Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #219 | UNCLE JOEY’S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: December 8, 2022

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Here we are another Thursday. I think it's the 8th of December. I don't even fucking know anymore. Doesn't matter. Time just fucking flies, no matter what the fuck you want to do. It's been a great couple days. Feeling good, looking good. The team, they're two and all, my wife's fucking basketball team.

My wife's doing a great job coaching and shit. We went over there the other day for practice. What a fucking nightmare when you try... Listen, the hardest people to control are seven fucking young women. My wife even told me after which she goes, me taking this job and me taking this fucking coaching job. This is rough on me. Oh, she's going to bed at 10 o'clock, 9.30s and shit.

So, coaching is not for everybody. Thank God I'm the assistant, the assistant, the assistant, the assistant, the assistant, the assistant. And I just sit over and yell, rebound, defense, jump, you fuck, bite them. You know, shit like that. Fucking crazy news. Yesterday I got, I talked to Rogan last night.

He was telling me about Caroline's clothes and then I went online and I saw it and I'm like, what the fuck? I thought they were moving, but they're closing. They're fucking... You know, listen, I heard 20 different stories. I heard that they had to move out of there. The landlord raised a rent. You know, what landlord hasn't raised a rent?

You know, what landlord hasn't done cheesy things during this fucking pandemic, you know? But from my perspective, I mean, as a comedian, how I got into it, when I got into it, listen guys, when I got into it, it was plain and fucking simple. It was 1991. The clubs you wanted to perform at were Caroline's in New York City. There was just something to that name. And the comedy store and I, like, that's all I remember, guys. Everything else was background music.

Yeah, you wanted to do a club in Texas and I wanted to play the underground, but the two main fucking clubs were, you know, Caroline's on Broadway. When I took the Sony Hall residency, I loved it because of those two words at the end. Sony Hall on Broadway. Do you understand the power of those two fucking words? I mean, that's as powerful as it can fucking be. So when I was a young comic looking up to, you know, what comedy clubs, I would write my goals down.

You know how many fucking times I walked past Caroline's in the summer of fucking 93 when I was delivering sales packages for phone companies and shit? Do you have any fucking idea? I would walk by Caroline's every day, the comic strip, and if I got up up that far, the 70s to the 80s, I'd stop at Stand Up New York. Why? I don't know. At that time, I would just read their lineups, you know, like I would go to Caroline's and see who was coming

and go, wow, you know, this guy's gonna come here. Wow, this guy's gonna come there, you know, so I would go to Caroline's as a fan. Like, I remember paying for tickets to go to Caroline's. I forget who the fuck I went to see. Who the fuck did I go see? I went to see the chick from Night Court, you know, like Marsha, and I went to see somebody else at Caroline's, you know, I was already doing comedy. And it was like, I couldn't remember what they said.

I couldn't remember what they said. I don't remember what they said. You know why? Because I was in awe the whole fucking time. It had to be, yeah, like 93. I saw Marsha Warfield and I saw some other comic, too. I forget who it may be. Martin Lawrence, maybe.

I don't know who the fuck it was at Caroline's, but they were tremendous. And I remember, you know, as a fucking comedy fan and as a future comic, I didn't... Listen, I remember when I heard that Martin Lawrence made 10,000 an episode at Def Jam. Like, I might as hell fucking head almost blew up. And I'm like, 10,000 an episode. I'll never make that fucking money, but I'll be happy with 500. You know what I'm saying? But 10,000.

Like, I'll never make... Like, that's the kind of money... When I started comedy, it was like, he was getting 10,000 episode. Carlos Muncie was getting like 7,500 an episode for Locoslam. You know, you were hearing all these little things, you know, as a young comic, you're like a fucking wash woman. You know, what's going on here? I think he makes, you know, whatever.

So, you fucking... You know, those were some outrageous fucking numbers, you know? So, for me, I never thought I would reach that, but I would go to those shows and just be in fuck. Like, it was just tremendous. Like, everything. I didn't care if my drink was bad. I didn't care if there was no air conditioning. I was just happy to be there, like, be a part of something.

Even as a fucking spectator. I was like, wow, as a comedian, someday I'll pay fucking Carolines, you know? And it's funny because I left New Jersey and I never thought I'd be good enough to play Carolines. Like, never, ever, ever, ever. And then I got a call one night, one day from a friend of mine, Roger, and he said, listen, do you want to do... He's a comedy booker in New York. He goes, do you want to do the Toyota Comedy Festival?

And I'm like, apps are fucking Lutely, you know? Apps are fucking Lutely. Toyota Comedy Festival, everybody's going to Montreal and doing all these festivals. I'm at the fucking lonely New York City Toyota Comedy Festival. And, uh, fucking crazy, I went down there. I invited my friends. This had to be 1999, maybe 2000. I got a call from Roger, do you want to be on the Latino show at Carolines for the Toyota Comedy Festival?

I'm like, fuck yeah. In fact, God rest his soul, the kid who was putting it together just died two weeks ago. Died with a long bout of cancer. Mike Robles got rest his soul. But I went down there, I'm like, guys, this is Carolines, right? I'm going to fucking get my chance to be on Broadway. One of these theaters, one of these club owners is going to see me and run up to me and give me the deal of a lifetime and fucking tell me that I'm great.

Yeah, this is what happens when you do those things. You know, I was at the comedy store already and it's not like I was walking around with a mind fuck. I was doing it, you know, so I get this thing to go to the comedy festival and I get the Carolines, 20 of my friends come. The show starts at fucking eight guys. You're not going to believe this. This is just for young comics to let you know. Don't put your all-yags in a basket.

Your dream ain't going to happen. It's hard work that does it day in and day out. I don't give a fuck what anybody tells you. I get that and the fucking my buddies are in the audience. I'm excited. I got great material and they come up to me and they're like, we forgot to tell you we booked a salsa band. So listen, man, you know, like I tell young comedians, don't take it personal. This shit happens for years.

I was mad at Mike Robles over this. I mean, this happened in 2000. I didn't start talking to Mike Robles again until I found out he was sick. I gave him a call. I sent some money. You know, he didn't put me on local slam and that, but I wanted to kill him that night. So my fucking thing was, you know, and I tell you guys, you know, you guys think that we were fucking driving around in Mercedes Benz smoking big cigars and shit. You die for years, guys.

You die financially, emotionally. Every four times a year is a comic. You die emotionally. You go home, you snort 22 kilos. You eat some fat chicks asshole and you wish for the best. You know what I'm saying? I mean, that's the truth, guys. Insecurity is a must because of nights like this.

So I get to this fucking festival. The place is sold out. 20 of my high school friends are there. And this motherfucker tells me that I'm going up after the salsa band. Now I know that's a debt sentence right there, right? Like that's, that's just a fucking recipe for destruction. You're in no danger of ever doing anything with your life. Every insecurity I felt came back on me that fucking night, quitting high school, getting arrested,

being a loser. I mean, I'm like, why the fuck? And I wanted to choke the dude. Listen, I wanted to choke. I kept going up and going, dog. Why don't we let the band close out the fucking show? It just makes sense. Why don't we let the fucking band close out the show?

And this motherfucker is like, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. You're strong. You know, they would blow smoke up my ass with that shit all the time. But bro, you're a strong actor. You know, like all the comics in LA, the Latino comics will always make me work clean. But when I get to that room and say, all right, you can do what you want, but you got to go blast. Fucking why do I got to go blast for? Because you're dirty.

They would always blow smoke up my ass. But you're clean. You know, you're a killer, dog. I'm not a fucking killer. I'm just dirty. Knock the fuck off. These motherfuckers. Anyway, fucking 1130, I'm still not on stage.

My friends are getting tired. They got to go to work to make stage shit. They're coming back there and not going to the door. Joey, 10 more minutes. I know there's fucking the salsa bands up there. You know, they're non-union. Those salsa bands are non-union. They'll go forever.

They'll just play those fucking maracas forever. I didn't get on stage to like fucking midnight. By the time I got on stage, I was so fucking hot that I was going to kill a motherfucker. Do you understand me? I just took my fucking, the $50 they gave me. I got in the car with my friends. I didn't say a word. They saw me bomb.

Listen, there's a couple of things in life I don't like doing. It's like going to a game with a jersey on. You ever see these idiots? We're going to the game. Then the team loses and you got to come home with the fucking jersey on all afternoon, looking like an asshole. People are like, ah, you went to the game. You fucking idiot.

And I know if you're a true fan of donor, but guys like me, that shit bothers me. So now I had to get in the car with the dudes who just see me bomb. They're like my best friends, but they just saw me fucking eat a bag of dicks and they're tormenting me in the fucking car. And I'm not talking about, you know, these nice guys that goof on each other. These are my friends from North Bergen. These guys are telling me I'm a loser. I should get a day job.

I'm a fucking bum. Oh, it was horrible, horrible. The fucking people were there from Carolines. I felt like an idiot, but guess what happened in the middle of all this guys. So you gotta remember, no man, I don't care if you get hit by a car. There's always a silver lining. Okay. Maybe you landed a pocket full of money.

You know, you get hit by a truck. You land over the fence as a fucking 10 naked women sucking each other off. You land right in the middle of the fucking Eureka. There you are. Who gives a fuck that you got 10 broken bones? Really? Seriously? Here's the silver fucking lining guys in the middle of all my anger and all my fucking,

just I was just fucking pissed. A girl comes up to me. I forget what a fucking name was. I'm still friends with her. You know, she calls me in for different jobs. She goes, listen, man, I just came here to watch my friend perform, but I saw you and I got to be honest with you. I got to give you like a general meeting.

She goes, I would, do you know who Sheila Jaffe is? And I'm like, yeah, I guess, and she's telling me her and she goes, I work for them and I tell you what, they're looking. You'd be perfect for the Sopranos. I didn't even know what the fucking Sopranos really were. I knew they were a show. They had done the first season and watched like three episodes, but I didn't know it was that fucking big.

And she came and she told me like, listen, uh, you know, if you could be in one 11, we'd love that. So no matter how bad the set was and shit, like that was the only bright spot. But come on, what are the chances of me getting the fucking Sopranos? So that's my fucking Caroline story. But I always felt like, fuck, I can't go back in the Carolines now. Like I bombed so hard with after that salsa band. And you know, guys, listen, the material was probably good.

My timing was good, but sometimes you lose before you even get to the stage. Sometimes something, you know, and it's like, I tell my wife sometimes this on podcast days, comedy days, don't bust my balls. I really don't want to hear it. I really don't. You know, you never know what happens on the way to a fire. I saw a comic once. That's one of the best comics working on the way to a show.

We got to a car accident. You know, somebody fucking ran a red light and hit him. When this guy got on the stage an hour after the accident, he was fucking, you could see, he was still shook after we talked and we smoked some pot with him and then we gave him a drink. He went up there the second show and destroyed that fucking room. But sometimes things affect you. Like things shake you up. You get, and for me that night, it was anger.

After that, I checked. I said, you know what, make sure you don't get angry. I like getting angry before my shows, not too angry. It's like a line. There's a fine line. Like I like getting a little anger. Like, you know, you're doing something stupid. Like for me, it was always getting mad at a red band and for like tape for having matching phones and shit.

What the fuck matching? And it would bother me all day, but I wouldn't say shit until an hour before the show because I want to get riled up. So if I ever yell at you before a show, just go, he's just fucking getting re after the show. I'll run right to you and go, thank you for getting me riled up. I had a great set because of you. So, so I was just embarrassed to go back to fucking, you know, I never, I was like, fuck Carolines. I'm never going back in there. In fact, I'm never going to 42nd Street, 48th Street, whatever the fuck it is.

And then I was at the store one night. It had to be like 2000 and fucking one. And I got a, I was working and we were talking and my fucking idol, my fucking idol, Paul Mooney tells me, hey man, what are you doing this weekend? I go, nothing. He goes, you're from New York, right? I go, yeah, I'm from Jersey, same shit, New York City. He goes, you're going to be there this week? It was like Monday.

I bumped into him during the comedy store open mic. He goes, nah, because if you were there this weekend, I'd have you open for me at Carolines. I'm like, well, what, what'd you just say? And he goes, yeah, would have you open for me at Carolines? I was like, I felt like telling my relationship with Carolines, but Paul Mooney wasn't from the whining comedy school. You know, if I told Paul Mooney that story, that I went to him, bombed Paul Mooney. I don't even want to tell you what he was saying to me. It wouldn't be fucking nice to say on this podcast, but he wouldn't fucking go for that shit.

That's what made Paul Mooney, Paul Mooney, and it built that fucking spine in us. You know, what do you mean you're not going to go because you bombed? Are you fucking, what do you fucking faggot? Get on the fucking, you know, so I didn't say that, so I'll call you tomorrow and let you know. I went home that night, did a couple lines of coke, and I'm like, I got to go back and get mine. You know me, dawg, I'm a revengeful motherfucker. The weekend paid 200. It was two shows, midnight shows, and they paid me $100 a show.

Two midnight shows. My plane ticket was $3.58. I'll never fucking forget this because I had to borrow that $358 and pay it back. You know, I had to put myself in a hotel. I think that God, Ralphie May, was in town and got me a hotel room or something like that. It was something crazy. They gave him two hotel rooms and his feature wasn't coming, so he just got a local feature in bananas, so I just had to get myself to New Jersey every fucking day, and that's a piece of cake.

So I took the gig, even though I was a loser. I was losing fucking $158 just to prove my fucking point, okay? I don't give a fuck what you're doing. You're like, if you're a plumber and you blow up some ladies' toilet and shit like that, you're not going to not go there again, right? You're going to go there and do the best job you can. She's going to remember you for fucking ever for going back. Sometimes, man, the respect, you know, like you apologize to somebody for something you did 10 years ago,

and they'll go, you know what, man, you're respecting my world just one up 10% for you apologizing. Sometimes you apologize to yourself, and you get so much more respect out of yourself. That takes a long... That takes a long... Sorry, this is what happens after I do a couple fucking bonks. It shakes up the shit in my lungs, and I get stuck over here like a little tickler. It's like somebody came in my fucking throat. I can't imagine having to suck a dick and somebody comes in your throat,

and that thick little fucking juice just sits there all day, and here you are drinking water and milk, and nothing breaks that fucking... It's not good. It's not good. So I'm sorry about the coughing, but yes, I'm the type of dude I can't lose like that. And even though I was not going to make any fucking money, and there were midnight shows, which fucking sucks, but not for me because I picked up spots to warm up for those midnight shows. I'll never forget, I got there, and Paul Mooney was like,

hey, man, you're doing a half hour straight. It's a two-man show. I was like, fuck. Again, I hate two-man shows because that means I got to come out and walk with them and be a great host and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Fine, I fucking went out there. Guys, you know I don't blow my own horn like this. I don't know what material I was saying, but I was not going to bomb in front of Paul Mooney.

Do you understand me? I was not going to bomb in Paul Mooney. Either you were going to laugh or I was going to fucking punch on you until you started fucking laughing. That's the attitude I went out that night. It's fine to bomb, you know, Paul seen me bomb at the comedy store, and that's fine. It's a 15-minute spot and there's eight people in the audience, you know. But I'm not bombing in the full fucking room. Sold out to the tea, celebrities in the room, I'm not bombing. And I went up there, guys, with the fucking fury of, I don't know what the fuck.

I just went up there with the weirdest fury. I don't even remember sets from that time, but I made it a point to fucking destroy that room. And I'll never forget, when I walked off to hand the mic to Paul Mooney, he whispered in my ear, homie, you got to slow this motherfucker down next show. And then that, and I'll never forget, I was so fucking high on that Friday night, not on drugs, not on coke, not on alcohol. I was just fucking high on comedy. And let me tell you something, I could tell you the five times in 30 years

where I was high off comedy, and that is a great feeling. And for years, people always talk about, well, when a comic gets off stage, this is why they get to do drugs to continue that. When you're doing little spots, you don't really feel that. It's when you do an hour and you're there, like after like, like I was never excited after my special tapings. But like, what did I do a couple of years ago? That was just, it was like my first theater or something, and I thought my timing would be off.

And my timing was better than expected. When I got off that stage, I was fucking, what do you call that shit when you float? Like I was, I was just walking on air. But that Caroline set was so fucking powerful. I had a couple tears in my eyes after Mooney went on stage and I went to the green room. I'll never forget somebody who worked, they came up to me and they were like, dog, that's the best set we've seen from a feature act in a long fucking time. I'm like, thank you.

And they left and they didn't understand where I was fucking coming from. I'll never forget that I went to the back of the room to watch poor Mooney, even though I had seen him a hundred thousand times. I couldn't go anywhere. Like I couldn't talk to anybody. Like I was that, it was like revenge. It was fucking revenge. It was like somebody, it was death wish.

Somebody rapes your mother and then you put 10 bullets in his dick. It's fucking revenge as best, but in a comedic sort of way, like a personal type of vendetta. I'll never forget I'm sitting back there, minding my own fucking business, just watching Paul Mooney going, I'm going to do this for the next 10 fucking years. I barely made it to this. I'm a Caroline's after 10 years. I finally killed the Caroline's. I got one more show left, but the way I'm fucking feeling right now,

I'm going to kill it in the middle of all this. It was like Paul Mooney was talking on stage, but I could not understand the word he was saying. Like I was just watching. That's, that's how much my body was just fucking like percolating. I wasn't thinking of cocaine. I wasn't thinking of getting cocaine. I wasn't thinking of getting anybody. I fucking look up and I see the girl that plays.

Like there was a bunch of people that I saw on television there. A lot of so proper people that I had just seen over the years. I don't even know what their fucking names are. But I saw a lot of people that were like a couple of basketball players were there from the nicks that night. People were saying they had security with them. But when I fucking out of all the, and they were all African American and I understand that they were there to see Paul Mooney. But the whole night was made for me when I popped my head up at one time. And I looked over and the girl from legal.

You ever see the other one? The girl that fucking is her sister. Gina Davis as a sister, Lori. I like to say Lori Metcalf or something like that. I don't know what her name. Yes. Tank girl. Fucking I'm sitting there like this watching Paul Mooney in awe and just letting myself come down from what I was doing.

I've come down from whatever the fuck just happened in my world. And I fucking look over and see Tank girl. And she's watching Paul Mooney like all in right like all in. Right. This is a white girl that's watching a black dude destroy white people on stage at this point in the night. He's destroying black people. I'll never forget that night guys. I'll never forget the jokes he was saying that night.

Some Africans were there and they heckled them and he threw them the fuck out. He goes get the fuck out of here. You motherfucking Africans. Where the fuck were you when I needed you showing up now 20 years later with a fucking watch to sell me. He was just throwing people out of that room. Oh my God. He was on a roll. Paul Mooney.

But Lori Metcalf. That's her name. Tank girl was saying his fucking jokes guys. So let's say Paul Mooney was saying a joke. She was fucking talking it over like she knew his material. And I'm like what the fuck. And out of nowhere she caught me and she walked over like after like 20 minutes. Lori Petty.

Lori Petty. She came over she goes bro you had a good fucking set. And I go thank you. I go how do you know Paul Mooney. And she's like fly fly went to parties. I used to go to the comedy store 10 years ago. I went to Richard's house for parties. In the army now with Paul.

But Paulie. Yeah. So she knew comedy. You know. So she was like you did great. Bye bye. You know are you going to hang out. She was doing a play in New York City at the time.

She goes are you hanging out. And I go yeah fuck yeah I'm hanging out. There was food and drinks and a bunch of shit. But after the show it's just I'm the type of guy I know where I don't belong. Do you know what I'm saying. Like I just didn't belong there. I went back there. I talked to Lori Paul Mooney gave me a hug.

She was like great said homie you know blah blah blah. And then I was like you know what I'm going to take a fucking walk. Because at that time it was like one in the morning. It was like 2 30 in the morning. Here we are on 48th and fucking Broadway. I got to get back to fucking Jersey. I met some kid Jimmy. I saw him years later in LA.

I don't know what he's doing now. I met a kid Jimmy that night. And I'll never forget Jimmy was like like fucking. He was maybe an open mic at the time. And he when I when I went outside he's like man I've been waiting for you. That was tremendous. I've been doing comedy for four years. That's what I want to be.

Can I buy you a slice of pizza and you could talk to me about the recipe about what you did. I'll never forget this shit. And I was like let's go and we walked around. We got a slice of pizza. And then I went to Port Authority. I don't even think fucking buses were running. I don't even think buses were running. I remember that I was fucking wired.

I don't know how I got home but I went to my buddy's house. And I stood outside his house. I hadn't seen him in like 10 years. I hadn't seen him in like six years, seven years. And I heard he was living there and I went and I stood outside his house. He's my friend Darren Rago. He died like maybe a year after I didn't see him. Because I remember when they called me and told me he died and I just fucking saw him.

But I'll never forget. I stayed out there all night by myself on his fucking porch. And about eight o'clock I rang his doorbell and he answered. He lived on like a building, not a house. And we went to get fucking breakfast and the next that Saturday night I went to fucking Carolines and leveled them even worse than I did the night before. It was fucking tremendous. I gave Paul a hug.

They gave me my check for $200. And I went home and I got in the plane. But guess what? It wasn't about the $200. It wasn't about losing the $156 on the plane ticket and meals and expenses. It was about I had to know. You ever see fucking dirty Harry? There's a scene in Dirty Harry, one of the first shootouts where he's having coffee and

these guys are trying to rob a bank and he's like what the fuck? Trying to have fucking coffee here. You can see it as he's walking out with his gun. He's wiping his fucking face here like jelly roll, juice on his face. And he's walking down and he starts shooting people. Ba-ba-ba. And all of a sudden this is one dude on the floor, fucking guy, African American dude. He did a thousand movies, great actor.

He's on the floor and Clint Eastwood takes the fucking gun from him. He kicks it away and he goes, you know, this is the most powerful gun in the world. He'll clean your fucking whatever. And Austin, Clint Eastwood sees his hand moving to get the gun. You know what scene I'm talking about? And Clint Eastwood looks at him and will shoot him. And he goes, I gots to know. I gots to know.

Like, because Clint's told him you got six in the chamber and you already shot five or maybe six. If you feel lucky, go for the fucking gun. And Clint just said, we're looking at him. And Austin the guy goes, I got to know if there's six or seven in that motherfucker. And then Clint Eastwood picks up the gun, points it at him. He goes, let's find out. And he just goes, and the guy's like fucking. He opens.

He goes, now you know. All right. It's the same thing. I had to know. I had to know if I really had it. I had to know that I could fucking do it, man. So that's why there's nothing wrong with that. You got to prove your point sometimes.

If you know you could back it up, you got to back it up. And guess what? I never went back to Carol Lines again. Never, never. When I was trying to get into New York, they wouldn't fucking take me. That's the truth. And it was because of that fucking bombing. 10 years early.

I mean, well, this is why tell comics. Don't go any place you don't belong until you're ready. Because if they see you and you bomb, it's going to take years to take away that. I'm bombing. And that's a problem with a lot of club owners. They see you when you're starting up. You go in there, you know, you think you just did. You just did great at Vinnie's house or pizza pies.

You know, you did seven minutes and some fucking guy that told you, you're the next Andrew Dice Clay. So you put yourself in a bad position and you go to an open mic at one of those punch lines or one of those improvs and shit like that. Let me tell you something. You eat a bag of dicks. How many improvs are there? 40, 28 of them are going to find out if you eat a bag of dicks or a punchline.

That's like six clubs. I think they got Sacramento, San Francisco, Atlanta, Philadelphia. Do you follow how this goes? So when you go into these, like I was ready for Caroline's the first time I went in there. I was already not established, but I was already a regular at some stores and I was working as a fucking feature act. If you're not fucking established and you walk into these clubs and you eat a bag of dicks, 10 years later, they're going to call that club.

And if that lady or that man or who or whatever the fuck they call themselves now, if they're still there, they're going to go, Mike Klein, Mike Klein. Yeah. I remember Mike, he didn't fucking, he started here in Denver and Boulder and you're like, yeah, that's him. So can we have a week and they're like, nah, he didn't do too good last time he was here. And the agents like, when was he there? Like 10 years ago, he ate a bag of dicks here and the agents like, well, can't we get him

back and give him another chance? Well, if he wants to come through and do a showcase, that'd be great, but we can't make him an offer. And you're like, what? Like when I got into comedy, I never worked Denver. Yeah. That's what they're supposed to know. Denver clubs would not hire me and then they kept getting out of business.

The comedy club went out of business. McKelvie's went out of business and I'd been thrown out of the comedy works. This is why you don't, that's why people always go, nobody hires me at home. Very seldom does a comic who came up in Philly, come home to Philly and fucking work a club because they remember them from fucking 10 years ago. They're like, ah, we don't want you around here. Very seldom do you get to work in Jersey. Guys, how many clubs did I work in Jersey all those years?

Not too fucking many. I would come to Jersey, do the stretch and I'm talking about 2000. I'm talking about 20 fucking years ago. Did you see what happened yesterday? I'll bring it up in a second. I'm talking 20 fucking years ago. 20 years ago, I would come to Jersey and I had to beg these guys. Then I would tell them I'm from Jersey.

I'm at the store. I work the improv. I do this. I just shot an episode of this. I did a movie. I still remember calling Uncle Vinny's 10 years ago when the podcast and stuff. He's like, I don't know you. Don't call here again.

That's just the way it is, guys. That's the way it is. Nobody wanted to hire me in Jersey. Nobody wanted to hire me in Jersey and nobody wanted to hire me in New York. Got them stepped up. Then all the clubs found out the damage. They got them and they're like, ah, we'll take Joey now. It's too fucking late.

Got them already fucking took great care of me. Why the fuck would I? You don't want to go to that thing. Anyway, that's my Caroline story on a Wednesday afternoon. I just want to, shh, Thursday. Oh no, that's it. I don't even know when it's going to close. There's a girl that reaches out to me from time to time.

I did a podcast about a year ago after the Many Saints came out and she fucking, she does individual shows there. She did the show November 30th, but I wasn't available. She contacts me again. I'll go over there. I know that my boy Papa is doing a show in the village next week. And I'm thinking of going in one night. 10 minute, 12 minute spot.

Go over there. They're all woke. So it's all them YU students. So they're just going to stare at me. But I just like to go to, okay, I love to just go down there to go off on them and watch them. Because if you're not going to laugh at me and go off on me for being the man that I am, I'm going to go off at you for being the worm that you are. We'll woke now.

Go fuck yourself. Yesterday I woke up to a bunch of fucking messages from people. It was the weirdest thing, Tuesday morning. I'm like, what the fuck are people hitting me? December 6th, like, congratulations, 20 years from analyze that. I'm like, wow. I actually had to sit there for a second and go, what the fuck? Again, analyze that.

Which one did I do? Analyze this. Is the second one. Analyze that is the second one. Analyze that was the first one. Analyze that was the first one. I was already in LA. And I'll never forget, I went down to the Sunset Boulevard, the big plex, the dome, the fucking great theater.

They have chicken sausages with fucking, oh my God, chicken and apple sausage with something else. It's fucking delicious. And I really enjoyed analyzing this, the first one. I thought it was fucking great and I can't lie to you. Those are the days, whenever I go see a movie and I thought I could be in that movie, I'd get fucking pissed off. I'd sit there and go fuck. I could have been in this movie but I'm a stand-up, nobody's gonna fucking talk to me about goddamn acting and shit. And I thought it was a great movie.

I saw Harold Ray misdirected it and he was one of my favorite directors of all fucking time. And I don't know, that was another thing I just wanted to get a piece of. I was like, I gotta get in that fucking, if they ever do one of these again. And I'll never forget that I went in for an audition, for the mind of a dangerous man or something like that. It was the story of Chuck Barris. I think that's his name, the guy that used to host the gong show. So, I wasn't thinking anything, I did my lines, I read, I was prepared, I went to see a coach. But I knew I wouldn't get the role because it was a role for some Spanish dude.

As a matter of fact, I knew it belonged to Louis Guzman. I go, as I was reading it, I'm like, this is Louis Guzman's and he needed another Mexican dude in there. I go, this is Louis Guzman's. Louis is Puerto Rican but they were looking for like Puerto Rican guys. And I read for her, I forgot what her name was. I read for her, I read for her Sheila Jaffe and Walken. So, I had met George Ann Walken when I read for the Sopranos the first time. And George Ann, on the way out, told me to keep in touch with her.

She goes, keep in touch with me and send me reels to anything that you do. Which is always a great sign when somebody leaves the door open like that. So, I never really thought about it. I went, it was December and I went in to see Sheila Jaffe and for that mind of a dangerous man. I think that's the name of the movie. I don't know. It's a Chuck Barriss autobiography. I get in there, I read, it's not going my way. I mean, I did a good read but I knew it wasn't for me. And she looked at me, she goes, you did a great job but this is not going to work out for you.

And I know, this is Louis Guzman's role. She goes, I know, we started talking and she goes, but the next movie I'm working on, I'm lying, it wasn't Sheila Jaffe. It was the same lady I read for the near real couple weeks ago. She goes, the movie, I'm happy you came in, it's not going to work for you. The next movie I'm doing, it's your movie. And I go, what are you doing? She goes, analyze that. I didn't care if it sucked.

I didn't know what the script was. It didn't matter to me. I just knew I wanted in on this fucking movie. So she goes, she told me the same thing, George Ann Walken said to me. She goes, whatever the fuck you need, whatever you shoot or whatever, mail me a fucking, a real, I go fine. And I wasn't out that motherfucking office 10 minutes. I got a call from my agent to go read for Fox, a fucking show by two gay gangsters, the Mezos. And I'm like, what?

And he goes, yeah, this was the deal that Big Pussy left the Sopranos for, but then ABC didn't want to do it. And they reverted back to Fox. So now Fox wants to do a short film to see if they can explore this and see what kind of characters they get. Go read for it. So when I read for it, I ended up booking it. We shot the first week of January. No big deal. But I kept telling those guys, listen, they're shooting, analyze that.

And I want to get in on that. So do me a favor. Just give me two scenes from this movie. Two fucking scenes is all I need. Two clips, two minute scenes. The guys are so cool. I'll never forget their name. Joe Arpino or something like that.

Little gay dude. He's got the best job in America now. He's a director. He makes six figures. He works nine to five and no weekends. He's a director for videos that build stuff at Costco. No, Ikea, Ikea. So when you see it, when you buy a fucking futon and Ikea and you want directions to

build it and you put that video in, he directs those videos, fucking best job in California. He sent me two clips. I got them to that lady. And then she called me and she goes, hey, Joe, would you like to audition for analyze that? I'm like, fuck. Yeah. And she goes, okay, you got to read in New York. And I was like, no problem.

I'll go to fucking New York. Cause there was no auditions on tape back then, at least not for me on that project. So I'll never fucking forget. I come back from New York, the auditions on my birthday. I'm like my, I don't know, my 40 something birthday, 42nd, 41st. I fucking, I don't have the money for the plane ticket. I'm staying on my buddy George's couch and I probably got 25 bucks in my pocket. I'm flat fucking broke.

I didn't know how I was when we got a plane ticket. So I called my buddy in Denver. He worked for frontier and he got me a buddy pass on frontier, which means you're lucky if you even get there with this fucking buddy pass. I know frontier is doing that new deal, $100, $600 and you fly the rest of the year for free. Good luck with that. You don't know about that starts in May, not a bad program. Look into it. So I take the frontier airline and it's a connecting flight.

You got to go through Denver and they lose my luggage. I mean, I got in at 11 in the morning and my audition was a fucking two. They lost my fucking luggage on my fucking birthday. So I had to borrow 50 bucks from my brother, shoot down to some fucking marshals, buy a warm up suit, sneakers, underwear, head gel. Yeah, the whole thing. And even though I was ruffled this time, I didn't bomb. I fucking went down to the village, read for her and how Ramis and knocked it out of the fucking park. And as a matter of fact, before I went down there, I went to see my stepfather and he gave me the Indian ring, the ring that I have for everything.

So that I won that on every movie role I've had any Italian roles, anything like that. And I'll never forget putting the ring on for the audition. Getting the audition, booking the role. And then it became my fucking lucky ring for you people to know I got the lucky ring. And I'll never forget shooting that motherfucker like we shot it maybe 20 minutes from where I'm living right now. I drive by there once in a while and go, oh my God, this is this chain so much. They wanted me to go into the city and meet them over here at like eight in the morning. I'm like, whoa, I'm in Jersey already.

I was down here. I was staying in Morganville, which is 10 minutes from here. I go, you want me to go all the way into the city to get in a van with you motherfuckers and come all the way back here to Carney, New Jersey. And they're like, yeah, I got it. I said, that's not going to work. I just meet you at Carney and I went a fucking great day of shooting 12 hour day. Talk to Harold Ramis for maybe nine of those hours had no contact with the narrow. Just saw him socially fucking fan out.

It was just a fucking great day, man. I couldn't wait for that. I'm like, that's it. I made it. Like I worked so hard to get that fucking movie sides acting coach, you know, I just went and I got shot. I get shot in the first fucking minute of the movie. That's when I had the beginning of the movie. Every movie I did was in the beginning that taxi.

But it was just, I don't know. I think it was the Harold Ramis thing. I think it was Anthony Lampoglia. Just I that movie was the first time I could look at people that said that you ain't going to do nothing. Like mad TV was one thing and baseball is the other. But a dinner on movie with my scenes being with Anthony Lampoglia. What that time was a star of his own fucking meant the world to me guys that that that right there. I could tell a lot of people to suck my dick after that.

All those people that said, well, you're not castable. Well, it's a fucking dinner on movie with Harold Ramis. Go fuck yourself. So I was very proud of that movie. And I remember Doug, I could tell you things. I was dying to get my hand on that reel from that movie. So we were doing everything we could. And I'm going to tell you a funny story.

A guy from the army, I was, he used to promote shows that I would do for a certain promoter or something like that. He would help him out. He's like, man, I gave you that tape. And I go, how? And he goes, you tap into one of brother's film base because they move everything on some. I mean, this guy told me shit. I never knew. In fact, I can't even repeat.

I don't remember how they did it. Everything they do, all the movies and editing is through online. He goes, if you tap into it, you can hack their thing and get it. He calls me two weeks later. I got it for you. It's hacked. Done. I got it.

It's like the movie comes out December 6th and people like send me that tape so we can see if we can put you in this movie. I'm fucking, first off, the movie's going to come out. I can't tape in the movie theater. So I got to wait for the movie to come out on DVD for me off VHS, whatever the fuck it was, the format was. And then I could take a snippet of that. The studios are not going to send me a snippet for me to fucking. So we get the snippet. My friend steals the snippet off the studio.

So we're going to have it ready for the six. As soon as the movie comes out, we're going to have our reel. When you steal it from the movie, it comes out backwards. So instead of me being on like this side, I was really on this side. Now we had to get somebody to flip it around. I had to call 80 fucking studios to flip it around. Nobody could do it. This one dude with a missing eye said he'd do it for me.

I got down. That guy's got one missing eye. He's smoking cigarettes. It's dark in there. He looks at it and he goes, I can do it, but I won't. And I go, why not? He goes, because I'll go to jail for 10 years. That's probably a one of brothers.

I'm not doing that. And that was the end of mine. The movie came out. I'll never forget. I went with like 20 of my friends, Josh Wolf. We all went. We all chipped and we're all broke. We had like peanuts and shit.

The movie started. There I am. And then I got shot. And then we had to sit there for two hours and watch this God awful fucking movie. I was never so embarrassed in my life, but hey, I got the fucking movie. I didn't know it was going to suck. That's my fucking stuff. That's my analyze that story.

And that's it motherfuckers. It's Wednesday, the eight Thursday to fucking eight. We've done it again another week down. We got fucking basically three weeks till my show in Sony theater. And we basically got two and a half weeks for fucking Christmas. We're sticking around. Listen, you've a great Christmas idea because people keep asking me. People really like these laughing gas things.

As a matter of fact, the male girl asked me the other day if she can have a sticker. Okay, how the fuck does she even know I had stickers? People like the laughing gas. What I'm doing for you guys this holiday is 20% off any other gear. Just you code Coco COCO and laughing gas dot com. Get whatever the fuck you want. 20% off for the holidays. Use code Coco and don't forget.

Oh my God. Fucking New York. A stoner club has some fucking weed. Some indica New York. He gave me some a couple of days ago. I took three hits off one joint that he gave me like a pre-roll. They're not fucking around over that. If you live in New York City right now order.

I'm going to hook you up 10% off lifetime. Uncle Joey at stoners club.com. It's that fucking easy guys. I gave you 20% off on the fucking memorabilia. Whatever the fuck you call it. Merch and 10% off on weed for life. Who's better than your uncle Joey? Nobody you bad motherfuckers was still set for the motherfucking.

28th of December is my wife's birthday. I'm writing some material. I'm excited and that's it. And that's that guys. We fucking killed this motherfucker another week in a row. Stay black. I love you and don't forget about me. See you next Monday and now for a word.

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