Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #220 - Joey Diaz, Jimmy Shubert and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: October 8, 2014

Jimmy Shubert, Comedian and Host of the Jimmy Shubert Show Podcast joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Nature Box. Visit Naturebox.com and use promo code Joey for a free trial box Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by mentioning the Church. Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/joey for 20% off. Recorded live on 10/07/2014. Music: Led Zeppelin - Achilles Last Stand The Allman Brothers - Whipping Post

This show is sponsored by NatureBox. NatureBox ships great tasting healthy snacks right to your door. Forget the vending machine and start snacking smarter with healthy and delicious treats like dark cocoa almonds. Support this podcast by ordering a free NatureBox Sandler box. That's free. You don't have to pay for shipping. It's totally free. Go to naturebox.com slash Joey. Try having to smoke before the podcast is going to happen. That's right. Free NatureBox snacks are found at naturebox.com slash Joey. What's so funny? What? I can't turn 20 years. That's a Oh my goodness. Okay. This show is also sponsored by meatundies.com. If you go to meatundies.com and check out the picks of all the different styles of underwear and for girls, they have hot

looking boy shorts, go to meatundies.com slash Joey and you're going to get 20% off of your first order and right now they're offering free shipping in the United States and Canada. So they have great prices and they're going to make it even better by giving you free shipping. This show is also sponsored by onit.com. Use code word church to get 10% off of your order of anything like alpha brain, shumda commune, shumda export, code word church to get 10% off and for all of the oil and wax smokers out there, like I know a lot of you are, like Joey is, go to nailed it life.com and use code word Joey Diaz. That's Joey Diaz no spaces to get 20% off of the premier vapor pen on the market. I wish I'd known that man,

because I just got the primary care total primary care over on it. Great man. Those vitamins are great. This time I'll send you something. Oh shit. We're going heavy today. We're coming in with fucking two guns, one in the ankle, one in the nutsack, just in case there's Chinese people in the room because they usually want to pop out of closets and shit. Are you fucking kidding me or what? Break that motherfucker, Lee. You're feeling a little gloomy. You have doubts. Here you go, cocksuckers. Crank that fucking thing, Lee. The church of what's happened now. Speed that up. We got to go to the back to hear Jimmy Page's solo towards the end. Don't turn it off. How far should I go? Go on two more minutes and we got to hear this fucking solo open up this goddamn

podcast here. Crank that fucking cocksuckers. Here you go. Crank that motherfucker. Oh shit. The hammer of the fucking gods. When you're in doubt, you don't think there's a religion? Smoke the numb and put this out, mon, and close your fucking eyes. And just listen to the drums. It's the hammer of the fucking gods. Keep it going, Lee. What album is it? This is Breast. This is a creepy fucking album. It's what people sitting around, I don't know, playing fucking some crazy game or some shit. And then in the back, you can get a white people. What up, you bad motherfucker, Lee Syat? Hey, buddy. What's up, baby? Nothing. We talked at like 6.30 this morning because I woke up after last night and I woke

up and I was like, I am still high. You were fucked up last night. This is the power of so kind. I'm telling you. The new chef is really good. The new chef was fucking it up. I don't even know what I did. I think I went home had some coffee. I went to bed and I started sweating like a four o'clock and I slowly bat me a fucking strap. It was fucking drenched. I got up, pissed, came back, and then I got up at six. I couldn't sleep anymore. And I was still kind of stoned. And I saw you were tweeting about the chef for some shit. I called you up and you were all groggy. It's a great feeling to go home a little fucked up sometimes. Not on alcohol and coked up, but on these edibles, they fuck you up. I tell you, man, if anybody did edibles,

they would never be on anti-depressants. They would never be on like, you know, hooked on a lever. Honestly, this isn't even a joke. No, no, I'm telling you. I'm telling you. A little piece of cookie. A little piece of cookie that does wonders for your mind, for your spirit, for your soul, for your body. I'm telling you, I love them. I prefer to eat it, actually. Some of the biggest laughs that he and I have had. One of the biggest was walking from flappers where we were stoned out of our minds and he went to rub my head on the walk back to the car from flappers and we laughed for like 20 minutes. 20 minutes. I love all that shit. That's what got you into this whole thing. There was nothing like sitting with six of your friends

and splitting their joint between six years when you're 13 and you put an hour on and everybody gets so fucked up and everybody's, look at my eyes, bro, look high. Smell me. I gotta go home in an hour. You know, you gotta smell everybody. You gotta put vizine in their eyes and fucking cologne. You gotta get the junk of your parakeet. You gotta get this cologne easy. Yeah. When you were 13 and you got high, you were high for like eight hours, heavy. Like you went to your room and your mom would ask you if you were hungry. Fuck no, but you were really hungry and thirsty. And that's when vizine came out. But vizine was really strong and it wasn't that gluten-free that shit they got now for these fucking motherfuckers. When I was a kid, fucking enlighten

your eyeballs in color. Right or wrong. When you put vizine in your eyes, you have brown eyes and then you have blue eyes. It was fucked up. You just fucked your pupils up. Now it's okay. It's mild, you know. But you got, it was like, that's what, you know, they always say you chase that first high. You know, you always chase that first high. We're reefer. I love getting fucking stoned. Yeah, dad was driving off to 134 and I made, I exited and that song was on by Pink Floyd. It's on Dark Side of the Moon. It's called Run or something like that. That's the first time I ever tripped. I was maybe 14 and we were at some fucking lake, like a pack on in New Jersey sitting around and they were like splitting little hits of fucking

acid. And I took like a quarter of it and didn't even think I just wanted to get it over because I knew I had to face this fucking devil eventually. So let me take a little piece of ass and I remember I went home early. Like I went home with the first load of guys like at 530 in the afternoon. Nobody was home. I went in my room and I remember that the McDonald's All America team, I had a poster of it, Michael Coran in those days from the ACC and all this shit. I was a basketball and I remember laying down and putting the Dark Side of the Moon on and hearing that. And that's the first time I saw these little waves in the walls and I was like, oh, this is fucking tremendous. And I drank that was like I broke my record that day. I drank

like five Heineken's. I got a six pack three and a half and I dumped half of it when I was pissing that type of shit. This is how young I was and I did the acid. But I remember that I drank five Heineken's and I passed out at some point and I woke up the next day and I had a piece of fucking gum on my shoulder. I puked in the night like backwards like I'm and I puked and I left a little piece of gum on my shoulder like 19. It still smelled cinnamon. I remember we used to go up the woods and everybody would fucking drip you drop the acid you'd stay up the woods all night and then you come out when it started getting light out you started to try to walk back home and you kind of knew that I was the first time I was tripping I was still I'm walking home and the

dude's mowing his lawn he's just coming out the mower's lawn and I'm just watching the dude and there's little Rs coming out of the end of the mower I'm so fucking out of it on acid I was like oh god man yeah. You know every time I go home I think of the story I started doing coke when I was 15 and I never got all fun in the beginning. I never got all fun I didn't know what it was guys I would do a couple lines and everybody would be all this is tremendous and I would go these motherfuckers are playing tricks on me. This is like a joke how come I'm not getting off on coke and there was a gasoline place named Putnam Fuel this kid Julio Gamio Cuban kid got me a job there the whole family was boxes they got me a job there and they told me they're like dog we

could steal it you know there's a till there's always a mistake you could steal it. I got fired after three or four weeks but I made friends with a dude that was half retarded. I told you the story his name was Freddie. Oh no. And he had like a fucking fat wife and they had like two black kids I mean this was the creepiest family in the world and they lived in the same building as Marlo. Marlo was the only black girl in the neighborhood of North Bergen New Jersey and they had her in like this three fucking floor house with no doors on the fucking they were cruel at Marlo. Marlo still in North Bergen she was a fat little black girl in the neighborhood. Her mother was white so she always got tortured poor Marlo. I was okay with Marlo I didn't have no beef with Marlo.

But you said Freddie is your Freddie it was his name. Yeah Freddie. He said he's your friend but he wasn't my friend I made friends with him pumping gas but I know he was retarded he liked snorting coke so we had a deal that we would rob him right and then we'd give him like half the loot we'd give him like we'd buy it like we'd rob him for like 600 and give him three. No we tell him the eight ball was 550 that's how fucking retarded this guy was and then we hit him over the head or something. Yeah we'd smack like we'd mean that like and it was hysterical because I really must have robbed this guy in reality I don't know maybe six times and I would always need a partner and I would always like call and one there's a kid in Miami that still

comes to the shows his name is Louis Castellita and he'll be there in two weeks and I go to Miami three weeks and he always tells the story he goes I'm on time this fucking cocoa guy comes up to me and he had like a fucking football map he wanted to rob the guy because he had a run behind the building and tackle him and throw him down and take the money out his pocket and smack him one and he got a run up tunnel he had and this is his friend this is my friend this is like this is like how are you honestly at that time I was 16 years old this is how crazy yeah but actually you're doing you're 16 years old this is how crazy the story is so we would rob him buy the coke and then the deal was we'd go to his house and leave the coke this and when he'd get

off work the coke would be there and we cut it with aspirin we throw everything in there and the next day we go he had a huge wife and we call him the next day freddy how was the blow and he goes me and the missus loved it you know and she'd be in the back ring more she was like this fucking pig of a woman oh it was a fucking horror show just the fact that he would rather smack him you don't understand when you're 16 and somebody lets you smack him it's tremendous that is the best feeling in the world when somebody goes listen we gotta do something you gotta punch me in the head no shit you gotta pay to beat him up oh we beat him you know we didn't beat him through a pulp right he just tackled them and smacked him a few times he had to have blood

how many did he get right or he got he got rolled like he got rolled out one time we took the both eight balls we robbed and we did the whole fucking eight ball and it was five in the morning and me and this kid didi cantero still weren't high he was fucked up didi i'm like this motherfucker but in those days i never drank i didn't like alcohol so i finally go you know i'm fucking thirsty i'm sick of drinking soda i grabbed a micolobe and i drank a fucking micolobe and the coke hit me i was fucked up so that's when i had the other kids apple i go fuck it fuck fricky freddy grabbed the rest of the micolobe and we walked through this park i'd say but i never forget that it was seven in the morning and people going to church we were sitting behind the

fucking church and here we are pumping spoons at our nose with a ghetto blast listen the black sabbath technically likes to see like two fucking morons i'll never forget that i'll never forget how bad i felt but how good i felt because one part of me felt like i was an adult but the other part of me felt like i was a fucking loser even at that age i was like this is what losers do look at the sunlight what looks at the fucking sunlight yeah i had a couple of those experiences sure you know you i mean dude we were talking about it before the podcast was like you know we go to vegas jimmy shuber by the way on the microphone dear friend of mine one of the guys that helped me out when i first moved here what the fuck you laughing bubbly i wasn't laughing

everything all right cutie patootie how you doing for your little green shirt good looking bad for the bone your head's looking skinnier and you should look at it i'm trying you're gonna look like that picture you got on fucking twitter you ever seen your twitter picture that's when you lost 80 pounds you look like you look like one of you look like a fucking jew after the bombing they're laying there with fucking flies all you need was to sprinkle flies on your eyes your eyes all big you're in need of a cheeseburger he was on a juice dive oh yeah a while ago but then i started dating this mexican girl and i gained it all back yeah yeah i did i did a juice cleanse for like 15 days i saw that the documentary is called fat head and that's i nearly did yeah i started so i

started juicing i juiced for like 15 days i went down when i was like 240 i went down like 218 i was like this is fucking great yeah but then you have to eat again and the juice yeah but yeah but you can't be you can't go out and eat a cheeseburger after that you'll get sick you have to eat like you fruit and yogurt you'll be sick yeah this motherfucker was at mcdonald's spittin this the little dead fingers inside a quarter pound but they but day five you hit a wall you're watching the dead channel like fucking porn beating off like you're gonna cook that skirt steak those are dead fingers in that fuck you take a listen you take a mcdonald's bun off nobody ever looks at mcdonald's bun that's the problem because they give you ketchup nobody ever opens it up pushes the

lettuce off and really looks at that fucking meat bun look at that fucking meat bun and you'll never go back to mcdonald's you if you look closely you'll see like like you see like one time at Popeye's chicken in hollywood on kawanga right i bought a chicken breast and Popeye's and there was a fucking dude's foot a blackie like that wing well not the wing but the fucking breast the big piece i took the skin off and i can see the toes they cut the foot right here i swear to my mother's grave there's no way they're gonna let this dude eat it right now i swear to my mother's grave this ought to be 50 i never told nobody because what's the use i just didn't eat it or no no i'm gonna say you get abducted who's gonna believe you yeah you're not gonna look at the way

you're looking at me and i ate the skin by that time i couldn't puke at the skin that was delicious black dude foot skin is delicious i don't know what color he was but it was like a black little foot you could see that you got hit the toenail over here with a hammer so i'm telling you i don't fucking know i'm telling you if you look at those hamburger buns you'll notice that the meat the meat patty you'll never eat that shit again that's it it tastes like chemicals it tastes it yeah i mean they're i mean they're they're good yeah but the way they prepare that meat they wash it in ammonia they make sure there's no E. coli on it they did you ever watch it you never watch them prepare the meat you'll never eat fast food again i swear to god you watch how they prepare you

go god dang and i never and they call fast food for a reason man you eat that stuff and just the next day bro yeah remember remember when we were kids that roast beef company was good arby's arby's was delicious you would go there and get a fucking skin graft sandwich oh my god i want to get a skin oh my it was a skin graft now it looks like uh like uh they stepped up the game it's actually looks like a sandwich now no it doesn't oh no yeah i because i don't i don't know what does it i have it in there but i'm telling you it's like it looks just when you we go through to try through it just look like the roast beef it looked like a skin graft no it looked it did no it really did look like somebody got burnt like it looked like a vampire victim

they chopped the mother like that's a little like like skin welfare victim there goes arby's as a sponsor fuck them you bite into the meat you hear a scream you bite into the meat yeah fuck that shit uh jimmy shuber is one of my favorite guys but he's funny he's from philadelphia and i'll tell you uh the other day i read that they decriminalized marijuana in philadelphia 25 dollar it does but decriminalize there for years today listen that'll give a fuck about pot in philadelphia because you got savages yeah it's savage and it's always been like that like when this fucking country goes to war at the end there's gonna be three people in philadelphia still alive missing an arm or head but they'll still head i'm telling you just the neck will come

yeah my ball phil is a fucking great i'm telling you right now i'm telling you right now that might be one of the biggest mistakes in my life i'm telling you man it was their nation's first capital i mean that's basically what i told the the most powerful country in the world to go fuck themselves all those guys you know and i mean it just i do they booed fucking Santa Claus listen it happened on fucking december 15th 1968 all right santa claus is only santa claus one day a year that day he was just a fat guy in a red suit rooting for the wrong team you know but that's what people say when you were filling your boots and i go yay fucking you know well don't they have like their own jail and where the eagles play yeah they do yeah it's not even that it's

listen i've been going to philadelphia since i was a kid and now in hindsight i thought when i went to philly the helium the last time i looked around after the show and i'm like these people really don't care they really don't care and it's a very eclectic fucking thing because philadelphia is just an extension to those savages from jersey you got candin you got pensawking close by yeah at the end of right now what's going on in candin they're not fucking around in candin no listen bro i've been to every fucking place in this country as a stand-up comic i've never been overseas but every place from one tip from fucking bremiton washington to the deepest fucking to cinderella city and fucking what's the name of that fucking place in miami where all the brothers are but they don't

fuck around and the only place i've ever gotten beat is in candin new jersey you're beat up beat beat beat didn't even see the move coming okay got robbed didn't even see the move coming didn't even see the move coming they did it like professionals got robbed and had to go back with my fucking toys and had to go back to the people and tell them the truth i had to go back as a 17 year old good dog that eight thousand you lost it well come back on now and let us know how you're gonna give us our money i got put into one of those positions wow because i vouched for the guy and they gave me money for weed the weed was too good to be true the weed was sensational and they did a dipsy duel i gave him the money they showed it to me opened it up boom boom boom just like at the

end the man on fire when they do the switch with the cash he goes put the cash in that car and i'm in my and they said don't open it do you get outside of candin once i'm outside of candin there is no weed there was weed it was pepper fucking pushed together in blocks black pepper nobody was getting high that's the only time i ever got big word of the sneeze it was nobody was yet it was an eight thousand dollar mistake that i never got hot beat over again wow i never got beat again over that eight i never forgot that eight thousand dollar mistake yeah you got to keep your words about your own i fucking people will they will not fuck around down there i remember going down to neptune new jersey to play basketball that's

where jack nicholson's from and we had to play bitty basketball in the state finals the quarter finals or something that was one of the first times i was physically a little scared playing sports like i knew i thought if we beat them we're not going to get let out of the stadium this little fucking thing that was the first time ever at that time i hadn't run booked in the Bronx as a killer you know go from here to here with money in your pocket i had been around the streets i knew the movement but that was the first time in that basketball place that i was i said to ourselves and we beat these guys we're not going to get killed but they're going to throw a fucking beating on us one time in these storms they flipped our bus freshman year they have the school bus

the yellow bus freshman year freshman year yeah out of christmas tournament new jerseys are complete different savage and there's a point of it that once you go south you're done once you hit philadelphia you're done i seen people i seen a guy in philly at a concert get in the head who who fucking carries a piece of two by four that's three feet not too many fucking people that means you're a savage if you leave the house and you go where's my two bucks no honey where's the gun i took it from me a urik animal huh i'll take a two by four this guy had a two by four at a concert hit a guy in the head i never forgot the sound of that and that and outside the veterans memorial oh yeah i went to see the stones that stadium when i was in the eighth grade for graduation when i

came back from five star basketball camp i went to see the stones and i dropped windowpane acid and it was far and opening up i didn't know who they were i didn't know who the fuck far though was they're up there singing cold uh not cold the size i war with the world and i'm tripping my balls off and i went for to breathe and there was a misunderstanding like and i was a kid and you had misunderstandings where you say something jimmy shuber says something you say something jimmy you just walk away in this misunderstanding you said something jimmy shuber walked through his car opened this door got the two by four went right over with no hesitation there was no come on motherfucker that died he went right over clocked him in front of his friends the guy went down once you boom

you just heard that when you hit you hit somebody in the head with a two by four yeah hit him in the head with the tube that guy went down blood on the floor the three buddies he was with turned pale he said say one word and he walked through his car put the thing i went right back into the fucking concert he went back into the concert like nothing happened like nothing happened they carried that motherfucker the fbi swarmed me one time in philly because they thought we were selling bootleg shirts as a kid we went to see black sabbath and and sammy hey go i'm dog i lived in philly i was in philly all the time we might have bumped into each other i went to see the sixes against the lake is nady three yeah i was going to glassboro state this is before it was what the fuck they

call it now glassboro state became something now i just uh so when i got out of high school i was fucking around i robbed that jewelry store and i disappeared for a couple weeks down in savosota florida but my buddy called me he goes when you come back i gotta scan for you because you're cuban you elit qualify for all this shit i'll get your scholarship i'll get your couple grand you come on down you stay with me we'll cut the money up when you get the check and you and i'll get your job roofing i went down there i went down i registered for classes rowing university rowing university you didn't know that jimmy shuber and now every week i would take that fucking bus from port authority every fucking sunday night down to philly and stay down there i think i did this for

about four months and i got a job with a bookie but that was one of the crazy these guys were crazy the guys i lived it was like being 20 in the ferrari and whatever the fuck they call it paternity yeah but these this is for criminals this is a fraternity of death wow yeah i know i know i've believed me i've seen that stuff i watched a dude this guy named john kenny's from the projects and we used to fucking fight those guys all the time con starters you go up there for the fucking and everybody's drinking next to you know to fight but this guy was about six four he was in holmesburg prison like one of the toughest fucking prisons right in the fucking neighborhood right in endfield and this dude gets out and you know he has he's has a wife and kids he goes back

to one of these kids was kind of messing with the babysitter so he shows up at this party and he's got these fucking just moving people out of the way and this guy goes hey man what are you doing he goes mind your business he goes i'm looking for somebody who's messing with my babysitter and my kids and the guy said hey man he goes i told you and he goes yeah and he leans back and he headbutts him he pulls back the guy goes back and before the guy can come snap up front again he hits him again and the third time on the way down and just keeps moving i've never seen anything like it just three headbutts bam bam bam and that was it man dude was lights out and then he just goes to walk to the rest of party looking for these people and uh you know yeah it's crazy shit man

i but philly's a great town to grow up in you know really wasn't fun oh yeah dude i got six brothers you know yeah i mean you know my old man was a cop you know that felt bad for all man all man's raising six criminals you know we didn't learn the metric system in school you're gonna you're gonna throw two or three and still get your red next three and a half grams and that's an eighth and there we go yeah but back in the day that's fucked up having a dad who's a cop i had a best friend who had a dad who was a cop and it was great because we got away with murder but he always drew him a beaten public in public fuck adrian peterson with the stick yeah this motherfucker one night we ran out of the mic high on a check and they came in another cop came he goes mr vantage

oh jesus christ and he called and the father came up and he stood and he stood right there and he fucking it was like me there was four of us that dine and dash the other cop was there the manager of the chinese players and the guy he didn't dine and dash oh yeah he was just a dine and dash out of the wing fong but it was closed so he went over to the mic high i wonder why it was closed because the wing fong closed at ten the mic high served cocktails so they stayed open till two so he was like i saw mr vantage do this a couple times he was just backhand in front of people in public in public they're being in a conversation yeah bam and he would fall his glasses before he'd get up put his glasses on ten minutes later fucking hit him again i saw him do that to him in school one

time in the hallway yeah and i saw him do that to him one time right there that night when we dine and dash and he he's he paid the bill and he goes tomorrow i'm gonna get up and eat i'm gonna go to church doesn't stop at the bakery i'm gonna get some stuff from my family i used to get home at ten to eleven when i get home at ten to eleven there better be an envelope in my mailbox because if there isn't i'm gonna go inside i'm gonna get four pair of handcuffs and i'm gonna rest all four years including my fucking retarded son hilarious we had to come up with like eight little kids we went in the mic high started ordering cocktails spare ribs like a like a you know like a lot but i mean it's like a little scene from law and order you know but you're eight you know it's like well

man you do my own anytime i think bad happened in the neighborhood they come right to our house my old man would shut up the porch light it was like one of those cop windows they which one wasn't and then you're like you said my old man would not fucking around dude you get a fucking public ass fucking beating tremendous oh if my old man had to come to the police station and get you for something for you got fucking locked up for dude it was fucking beatings all the way to fuck home i mean just fucking you know i'm out of the forearm punch you know but it's like grown up with lieutenant colombo you know you're fucking right you can't get away with nothing i went to see half of what i had i was locked up and i had seen watch the 2020 one

night is that an abc 2020 yeah and i watched henry hill get an interview so i knew about good fellow as soon as i was and then when i was in prison i went to the library in order to book so they were promoting that book in 86 or 87 when i was doing time it the movie didn't come out to 89 but i knew it was coming out so i was in the halfway house where you have to tell them where you're going you can't smoke weed fuck you i told him i was going somewhere but instead i went to the chinese jointed my honor every chinese thing let's say that the movie comes on 1145 i'd be at the chinese restaurant 1101 jack i'd eat my little shrimp fried rice fucking egg roll even though it was not new york style i'd just make go through the motions

i'd go smoke a joint even though i was in the halfway house i'd get high enough and i go to good fellas and in the middle of good fellas is that scene where he's whipping them with the belt and i'll never forget a lady three seats from me said that is the most disturbing thing in this movie and i'll never forget to me it was just another day yeah like i didn't get hit like that but people in my building got hit like that nobody down line one more there was just a fucking way of doing business kids parents some parents were loose with the hands and others yeah hey man i'd tell you what my mom was you know i mean you know i've got everything from soup spoons to hot wheel tracks for throwing throwing throwing shoes at my mom picked up this glass bowl and threw it

one i mean it was like crazy stuff i was i was very lucky i don't blame her i mean if i had six fucking kids i'd lose my fucking shit too you know i was very lucky i never really had that happen i got spanked a couple times nothing really that intense but i remember vividly the first time i saw one of my friend's parents hit the kid in front of me it was fucking horrible but it wasn't even that bad of a hit he for if he didn't like something that my friend older brother was doing and he smacked him in the back it like that not even not even that hard probably but i i just froze because i never seen anything like it and and now they're all great kids at all i mean it doesn't i didn't damage them but i i'll always remember that it just it was so foreign to me i was lucky

i didn't have that in my life i think the worst beating i ever got was when i tricked my mom and i made her take me to 86th street we lived on 205 west 88th street on the corner 86th street there was an old Italian guy with a mule like two dollars he lets you sit on the mule and take a picture in the middle of new york right in the middle of new york right on broadway by a city bank by across the street from brogues menswear it was a tremendous corner there was a pizza place next to a clothing store for children carters clothing store and i'll never forget that one day i got on then the guy puts the hat on you and the vest on you and the gun and you get on the fucking mule and then it was time to get off the fucking mule my mom's like we got the gong

you know what the fuck and i'm like i'm not going oh my mom's like listen get off the fucking mule i'm not gonna tell you again to get off the fucking mule and i'm like i'm not getting off the hoax and she took her purse and hit me with that purse and i fell off the mule the mule started running You had no idea with the purse and I look at my daughter and I go you know what man I'm gonna pay for all those sins all those things another time. We were the fucking badass restaurant I used to go to Catholic school on Sundays had a drop me off at like five o'clock So my mom would say I cook for you at the house. I take it to a badass restaurant white people But my mom was still like a half a fucking Puerto Rican. She's in these places yelling

Light and cigarettes, you know smoke. I'm reefing in the bathroom Can't do that mom and I wanted my mom used to I was skinny. So she's like yeah drink milk I fucking hate milk. So this day Jimmy Schubert Fucking hate milk. You understand. We hate it more than God does the other day My brother was drinking a bottle and the milk dripped on my chest. I rather an Iranian come on my face Milk That's fucking real that's real lactose intolerance right there. I like I like fucking milkshakes But just plain milk. I can't even smell it. I can't even so this day

I can't open and put my nose to it. Oh, so your mom an Iranian come on. I don't fucking know a terrorist Isis dick. I don't fucking know so better than no, so we were the restaurant had a suit on and my mom's like You better drink the milk. I stopped mom. I was like ten. I'm not gonna drink the milk. So listen She called the way though. She was listening. Do you have any Nestle's quick because that was my beef? I wanted to straw very quick. I'm not drinking That was your beef man and my mom said listen you're drinking that fucking milk whether they got strawberry quicker or not Do you have chocolate and the guys like we have nothing we have ice cream? So I'm like, okay, so I thought the motherfucker was gonna make me a shake

No, this hillbilly Magoo takes the vanilla ice cream and puts on top of the fucking milk. Oh My god, I take the milk. I taste it and I puking my mom goes you better drink that milk I ain't drinking right in the restaurant My mom took the fucking milk and slammed it on my head and I'll never forget the milk was dripping and at the last thing That came down I could feel the ice cream I could feel the ice cream ball like as I started the crowd just fall off and hit me in the lap And she took me in the bathroom and that's when my mom wanted to carry syringes Because I was really sickly my throat would get swollen

I had bad tonsils and there's two things I hate milk and I hate fucking needles I go to hack you punching out to get the fear of needles away when I was a kid dog I don't like needles if you came at it with a needle full of milk, bro Fuck you or ranch dressing. I fucking kill you That's all they got to do to me it's fucking torturing me with like needles with ranch dressing. I'm good I hate fucking ranch dressing too. So uh, oh my god. This is when she used to shoot me in bathrooms. Oh, really? Oh, and I would go are you fucking crazy? And she go I'm not going to the hospital tonight. I'm shooting and I don't know you're not and she my mom would take her purse

She'd shoot that penicillin that fucking purse and she going telling you right now You could do this your way or my way and I've been on I remember that time She got after the milk incident that same night in the stall at the bathroom We went at it and she fucking goes well I'm gonna just shoot you like a fuck and she got me in like a One-armed Nelson and shot me in the ass. I had a bruise on my ass for a fucking month Jack You didn't fuck around though. It wasn't no I had an option. I had one. They would tell me one time and Then there was a reminder

That reminder after that reminder there wasn't a word. She moved like a ninja quickly quickly. It was My mother didn't fuck around dog and that you know, I look at kids now. I'm like, I don't understand I don't want somebody hitting you with a switch, but I'll tell you what one time I was about 13 I told my mom's like make the bed. We're having company. I'm like, I'm not making the fucking bed It's like make the bed. I'm like, why am I gonna make the bed? I want to go back to sleep She's like, what are you gonna wipe your ass? You're gonna shit again. Aren't you gonna wipe your ass? Same thing with the bed make the bed. I went out when I'm making the bed I went to Carmine Balzano's house and got in the pool with like 15 other kids about 10 minutes later. I'm hearing. Oh,

Antonio Oh, Antonio It's got louder and louder and there's a fence. We're in the pool jumping up and down Listen to kiss and shit. I'll send I see my mother's head I swear to God, and she's like, oh, son, don't you say like eat and like who is that lady? I have no fucking idea get out of here call the police and she's like call the police They want my tally her boot that she's saying all these shit to me finally. I see her little fucking leg come over

Now I know this is gonna be deep right here. They're gonna kill her these fucking people gonna kill this lady So I got out of the pool. She saw me get now. She chased me She chased me she was hit me with the fucking stick the whole way home when we got home She went to hit me and I put my hand up the block. That was the end of that fucking thing She was like you put your hand up to me. It's over. She went in the kitchen got bounty and lit it on fire And came back at me with the fucking bounty. I'll fucking burn your mother Put that hand down and the whole time the fire was falling on the carpet I swear to my mother's grave, I swear to my mother did not fuck around

Paper towels and fire she lit the I didn't know what she was doing. I was like sitting there going what happened I didn't do nothing. She went to hit me and I blocked. That's it in her world You're not supposed to block you got to take the punch for the job. I wasn't taking I'm 13 14 She came back at them with that bounty roll and fly Like Frank you know how I used to get Frankenstein that's a scene in the movie. It was fucking classic I remember running up the stairs and a little pieces of bounty were going on the carpet So I locked her out and she had a fucking put the little fire out that fell in throwing the little carpets It was fucking hysterical. You can't write this shit though. This is real shit. We fucking think you're dealing with it

Joey Benema's what the fuck you think you're dealing with that? You ever get a beating. What was the worst beating you got Lee? I Don't remember exactly what it was for but I remember when I would get spanked or whatever she would do I Remember like it would happen in slow motion like she would like slow down. It would be like it would be terrifying But I don't remember but I was saying yesterday before I got to fucked up And I was getting out of the elevator at my building yesterday. This kid just ran in well I was still waiting to get off and

My parents would have yanked me out and yell like my parents were yellers that that was it more more than physical so like it's just I Like they I remember I remember we went to a new sushi restaurant right after it opened and a family came in after us and My mom and dad be like a tag team Yell off yell off on for like 30 minutes. I know on the poor Asian hostess It was it was just unbelievable. It was this is that I can't believe this We were here before them just on and on and on once I when I worked at a movie theater My dad and I went in to go see a movie and this people wouldn't shut up in the theater

My dad went out yelling at my boss for like 20 minutes about about people in the movie theater So that that was it for me. That was probably Just as damaging the my parents were fucking yellers and that's why I'm not like in public places stores yelling at cashiers at CVS Oh I used to turn bright red. I used to mortify me. I didn't my mother embarrassed to show me. How about you? My old man would oh, I hate that shit. Yeah, there's no I didn't like my mother around I never invited her to no sporting events nothing

Nothing. I knew I knew I saw how she acted at med games. They're Cubans. Yeah, that's a different fucking animal That's their livelihood. That's they they love it. They act like how she's a pro chicken wings that rusty She stole a bell from the church for good luck. They're completely different No, when the match didn't win she told me the bell was bad luck take it back to that voodoo church You belong to I'm never giving them a fucking dime no more You know shit like that. It's it's uh, I don't know. You know when it comes to beating children. I mean Like I said, I got whacked a couple times Last time I got whacked was a week before she died

She smacked me in the fucking face because I didn't call it when I was supposed to They didn't fuck around human people my mom always knew that I would eat her alive if she let me She had brothers and my mother always knew Felicia. I always tell Felicia. You got two boys You can't fuck around. Yeah, when they're about 15, they're gonna push you one day That's when you go in the kitchen get a stick and break it over their fucking head. That's that's a message That's a present for the older one the little one going Mommy ain't fucking around if you don't do that at 15. Don't eat you up a boy will eat a mother up that that's And I already seen happening with you in mercy. No, well, it works the opposite way

Yeah, when you're a mom always covers for the boys. Yeah. Yeah, you're always your mom's your boy's boy So, you know, you always cover for them the same goes the other way around, you know, it's it's a really weird relation thing But well, you know, you said, you know, I'm not I don't I don't have kids So I don't know but I mean I my brother's do I got nephews, you know But man, you're right. My old man would set a tone It was I mean he had six boys No, I didn't have to and I mean it got crazy man. It was I mean we got in fistfights I would leave for a month. I'd go stay on my friend's basement, you know

I can I could eventually get invited back or go down to my grandma's house That was a great equalizer because my dad's where out we go down my grandma's house. I mean, you knew we he would come down And Varys what are you doing Bob with these kids, you know cuz they're coming down here going he threw me out You know, she would bust his balls. She was like, you know, the great equalizer. Yeah, my dad was nuts I mean, he's a cop in the city of Philadelphia, bro You're like the last line of defense hold the little neck garbage can they call a city, you know I couldn't imagine being a cop and coming home and dealing with six of my children because I'm seeing the dark side I know what I don't want. They're seeing they don't even fucking know

Don't even know they think the worst thing that could happen is the skateboard break So the guy chases you have to steal a fucking grape or whatever from the deli, you know, it's amazing I was thinking of something we were talking about I'm a true friend there and We have a friend that just doesn't you know, I don't understand him his work ethic. I Always look at people's work ethic sometimes and you and this new young A lot of younger people don't have to work ethic the blue collar mentality. Yeah, I bring the blue collar mentality to my job Yeah, absolutely. I'm a blue collar guy. I've had jobs since I'm 12

Yeah, I've always been something to live in doing something. I was always watching. I've had jobs since I'm fucking 12 I was thinking about the other day. I've never not worked ever and remember working. I mean, you know, you had to work I was paying my mom right fucking board when I was like 16. It's $40 a month. I mean you had to like you had to yeah Yeah, contribute when you come from a big family. Everybody's kicking in, you know, it's amazing that I didn't lie I say the statement and now I retract I'm gonna tell you what happened in this country You ready? I Didn't notice this till

I've been telling Lee that if I had a child if anybody has a child if anybody's confused to get a job selling cars Because it'll follow you for the rest of your life You'll take more from that job even if you don't end up a salesman You'll see what what it is to sell you learn the process of selling the paperwork the bank How people and it's psychology and you really enjoy psychology But do you want me to tell you what destroyed the youth in this country that didn't realize that went on what? No more paper routes Wow. Yeah

That work ethic listen to hardest. I ever worked in my life. I used to work in my mom's bar My gig was I got out of school at three. I walked up there. I Stocked the shelves. I cleaned the men's bathroom the woman's bathroom even though it was clean already My mom just gave me a 20 just to come up out Stack the bottles go to the store for me get me ham get me ice whatever clean up That's it. She makes you give me a 20 one day My buddy's got a job Delivering papers and it seems so fucking cool. Yeah, I covered for them one week and I was like goddamn

This is cool. So I called the guys boss and I kept asking them asking them asking them asking No, like I've told you guys before I'm from the second second Hilli is City in the country, North Bergen, New Jersey is the second Hilli is now 46th Street Hill there like this, right? No, 43rd Street Hills like this, but behind the police station is one of the worst hills in the country It's like this and after it goes like this and it goes it slows down Mr. Agassiz the Agassiz lived in the corner. I knew a lot of people live in that street There was a guy who lived around the corner used to put bets on with a real fucking gangster And every time you go to his house

He always scanned you like this guy was the real fucking deal like whenever you went to his house You always look at your body What are you 12 and a half so even if you beat him For $60, let's say you won a 10-time parlay right a five to five times you won $60 whatever fuck it is I'm sorry He didn't give you that $60. There was no way he was giving he never gave you money You always bought something he had a garage that when he opened the garage the shit would fall out And he would put it back in when he was talking to you and he had to help him close it

It was something that you can't write in the movie I'm 1615 putting bets into my friend and go into his house when you walk it always I boy you Lee It was his and he was Italian not Jewish Jews do this kind of shit, you know Good salesman he was looking and go Jimmy what are you size 12? No, I'm size 11. Don't worry about it. He go he gets you these fucking sneakers. Look at these things. That's tremendous Some fucking black guy sold them to me tremendous. Dr. J. Don't worry. What do you got give me 60? I need 90, but your family give me so I mean it was fucking amazing and guess what? You were a size 9, but he sold you 12. That's how good he fucking you were size 10

They gave you a pair of socks with some socks in there. You run around you break them in But I and that's how I met him through that fucking I called the guy and not the mob still But I called the newspaper guy and he called me back like three weeks before Christmas in Jersey And he was a guess what I got a paper out for you. It's 46 three hill the hill that's like that I did that fucking thing till March and I sit here like an asshole and so I should have quit in January Like now, but I couldn't quit I learned so much because you have to collect Yeah, deliver not on the people's door get the money from them You have to get new clients you have to knock on other clients doors every week and go excuse me

Would you like the Sunday paper so it teaches you collecting bookkeeping? Yeah marketing and very bad very basic level It's something you can fucking me and I handle it. You know it's 15 60 That was the beginning of my casing apartments right there I know how to case a joint to let the window open to leave a key under the fucking milk box That's how you learn how to really be a burglar. That was my beginnings of burglary without even fucking I'm not trying to be cute. That was the beginning because I started noticing Little things and later on when I became a burglar Check the milk box. There's always a key in that the bathroom windows always open right because you always open up

Cuz get taught in there. There's always acts where you always close the fucking window a lot of people just close it Trust me. We leave your shower window open if you got a pound of coke in there I don't care if you live on the 40th floor I'll get a helicopter to bring me down and I'll slip into that bathroom window. Trust me how bathroom windows always just a little tip You shut the bathroom fucking window cocksucker. No other fucking podcast guy tells you that That's how they get it nine out of ten times to the bathroom window. Okay. How small is what's up, Lisa? Yeah, no, it's it's crazy though because and it's not even just paper routes anymore like the first job I I did like some stupid jobs around town

But my first real job was CVS and they don't have those jobs anymore. Do you? 15 because I bought my first car with it. Look at you. Yeah But it was your first car 1997 Chevrolet Cavalier where the horn didn't work and when I brought it to a Body shop, they couldn't figure out that a fuse broken so they installed a horn on my left hand side like by the floor Let it depress a button but It was fucked up

But I love the car because kids in my town I grew I was my parents moved to a town right before it got really wealthy So kids in my class were getting escalades and and stuff for free and I had this shitty car But I I loved it. I never got in a crash, but yeah, but they never they don't have those jobs anymore for kids Those age because a lot of people who had higher paying jobs with college degrees aren't getting work now So they're getting that work. So now kids can't get those jobs What fucking college degree guys not deliver papers a lot of people now, dude There's a lot of people who can't find jobs and there's people who I went who I work in movie theaters with at high school And I still work if I see a fucking old man

Delivering papers out of a car now because they don't want kids riding bikes They got sign spin a lot of kids you're from your generation doing the sign spin. Yeah I could do one move I could do that I couldn't do that. Oh my god I mean, that's like you like this at Noho Park in the morning. I see more time those guys are not there working I mean, it's a real fucking gig no more paper routes. I think paper routes have been replaced by sign spinning Yeah, do you remember how you felt when you were fucking 20 21 Thinking about your future and what job you want like I remember I was picky. I gotta want that job There's no future in fucking a shirt fucking factory. One of my teachers got me a job in a shirt fire and everything in Jersey's always like

Great job Yeah, I fucking sold health I worked I sold health for like a little work to the health club selling memberships I was like I had a job was Like a year right at high school. I was going yeah, it's that can make a little hustle But I mean, I just wanted to I knew what I wanted to do. So I just I couldn't wait to break to the Start doing stand. I'm gonna you know, but I wow I'm sorry, I'm fucked up, but Yeah, I always kind of do I wanted to do stand-up everything I was doing was saving money

I mean, I worked as a fucking bartender and did the construction carry 90 pound cinder blocks Trying to save some fucking dough to go to Los Angeles. I wanted to be a stand-up, you know, I mean, I See started out here. No, I started in Philly there for two years in Philly and then drove across I'll be when you start like 18 That's that's a tremendous 18th stand-up comedy wasn't even in my fucking Like I loved Richard Pry had gone to see movies. I had the albums, you know, but I didn't I Didn't think it was possible. I didn't fucking stand up. I'm just fucking some bar on Kennedy Boulevard What am I gonna do fucking stand up? Oh my god

I believe it's talking about what kids go through at 25 What do you go through at 22 when you're 21 when you don't go to college and all your friends go to college You know, and they come home for Thanksgiving They come to the bar with their fucking college shirt on and you're fucking enjoying your brains out Yeah, smoking a cigarette sweating up a storm They're living in my electricity, I'm down here fucking invented I'm over here getting fucking jolted cocksucker It's it's crazy. It was one of the most insecure feelings for me growing up like I would go to a bar

I'd be a co-dealer and a thief and these kids don't want to school be coming back from fucking Penn State and I remember my friends went to school with like Marino a pit and that's when they were snort big blow up their pit and they were coming to say to West New York I'm telling you. I'm not lying to you the University of Pittsburgh They were getting a half a fucking pound a weekend shipped up there when I was a kid Marino was playing on my friends or go up there. I never went up there Because the guy who they were going to eat here. He was like a bench warmer from not my high school from a Catholic high school So once he went up there, everybody started going up there to visit him or whatever

So, you know, he's a good friend of mine, man. Oh, he's got a lot of heat now You know who I grew up with that he's got a lot of fucking heat right now the defensive coordinator from the University of Miami Don't happen Mark Denafrio. Look him up. He got a lot of heat man because they weren't they were sucking They were okay, but they were torturing them, but I grew up with him. I mean really grew up with him Like I grew up with his brother. I remember they used to tie him up and make him eat raw eggs When he was a kid what they did to that kid, that's why that kid went to Penn State was North America as a sophomore Yeah, he drove paternal fucking crazy. He got banned from playing. He brought a keg in that kid was crazy No time I was out with him one night and he fucking slammed

Some undercover cop dog. I mean, he was a badass motherfucker. This kid was not he was missing something when he was young Well, I think what his brothers did to him growing up fucking effect them They tied him to a bicycle one time and made him go down a hill and shit. I mean they did some fucking wild stuff to him man I saw him One time when he was just going to Penn State and I was scared for a minute Like he's gonna remember that I was dead the day he ate a raw egg like they tied him up in the winter They made me a fucking shell and everything, you know, he was like eight and they were tormenting this kid So sure he probably fucking grew up with anger and

Who didn't have that was one of the best neighborhoods You know this I catch myself living in that neighborhood once a week when I'm after my mother died I got into this weird group of guys They were all like fucking either Irish or Italian. They were crazy and every day somebody played hooky I sold the mescaline. I used to go to East Rausberg on Saturdays with a buddy of mine and pick up mescaline and acid and three went black beauties and And all this shit like take it back up north and fucking And take them up fucking know who we told

Anybody know about that neighborhood about that neighborhood. That's right. We did and I sell up So any time they played hooky they would always contact me for either mescaline or or little ups And I would get tied into these little parties and I used to see some crazy shit Like I had seen growing up doing some crazy shit There was one guy that was a cop son and every time he got fucked up He pulled out of service revolvers to the point fucking DD mile With that shit when you Russian rule, oh my god, oh my god, you have no fucking idea what that's like

That's insane. No idea what that's like today when you know what a bullet sounds like money like they were fucking around They thought it was cute, but every time he get fucked up He go up to his father's and come down with a gun or two guns, but let's play Russian roulette. Oh, no No, I don't do this shit. They do it by himself. Look He gave a bullet oh my god, he did it to himself three times That's fucking insane He's the same guy saw you the piece of dog shit He's bad he's on Facebook now. I thought like 55. Oh my god

Because he did us like he would get fucked up and do theirs Like he would get fucked up and all right who dares me to go up there and just smack fucking this guy in the head And he would do it. He just had a fuck I saw him smack a cone out of a guy's hand one day and it was the most brilliant thing like the guy was licking a call Like looking it down the street. He's like, I'm gonna kill this motherfucker And You know And all you had to do is say something and we were like fire like we were like fuel on me

Yeah, you should you think so yet and he smacked the fucking guy punched the other one I mean it was just class. It was out of a movie. It's freezing out It is Guys, it's January 10th after the Christmas break Unless you lived across that Hudson River before they put all those tall buildings up When that eatin that wind would come off that fucking Hudson River and come up your ears would just freeze Yeah, the tears would come down your eyes So we would play hooky and go to somebody's house, but you had a smoke cigarette some pot outside

I didn't smoke cigarettes that so you had to go outside and smoke fucking pot outside They had a big house, but they had a small yard when I'm talking about a small yard. I'm talking about a Seven by 15 and the mom had a French poodle So the French poodle shit in the yard and it was winter. So who cleans the shit the shit would just freeze up Solid like it was like little fucking Hershey. Oh my god. So we're outside smoking a joint and I see him looking like this shit He's like who dares me And we lost it

We lost it. We lost these like who dares me a piece of shit who Passed the hat around take your head off. Let's get a collection We put like six dollars in change and he's like you motherfuckers dare me what you don't think we'll do it He was like half, you know, he was half retarded. He just wanted us to fuel him and we'll be like, yeah, you don't think I'd do it I'll fucking do it guy pick a piece. We got the biggest piece and snow on it and fucking hair and Lint and everything when I picked that one up He went right over picked it up with his hands looked at it showed it to us and bit into it and chewed it Jimmy Shoot oh, man, and then took the last piece of like this

He threw it up in the air like an olive they looked like Guys half the room puked I fucking died a laughter. That's my world when somebody eats a piece of shit That is my fucking world and today. He's married. He's on Facebook. He's got kids We'd be your friend on Facebook. Yeah, he's my friend on Facebook. I just can't say his name. He's a great guy I think he'd be pissed off. Yeah, I think so you don't want his wife and shit To the other pieces should nobody you know you're 16 months. I probably told them those are those neighborhoods Those yeah, that's that's you're right. Those are those neighborhoods that you know people don't Joey these stories This is where these stories started. This is you know

This is fucking crap last week when I went home. I went to New York and I we know you whenever I go once a year Yeah, I go once a year and I try to keep the light because I know what it does to my inside to cooks them for about three weeks But driving through those side streets. I remember this other story I was this other kid that his dad was a fucking big time cop big time So he used to tell me he was really good looking So I figured out a scam when we used to like to gamble The biggest scam going is we got a lot of Boulevard. He said mug fucking in those days They weren't fags. It was perverted people like that guy from 7th heaven

It was in hindsight. I made a mistake. I should never said they were gay men You know when I was a kid what people would do was drunk guys from Manhattan Would come over into the Jersey side and drive on Boulevard East to see if young men would be out there like Confused the sleeping on a park bench and they pull up to me. You know how to get to the park You know, are you hungry again? Let's go eat and they try to fucking sex you well At one time as a kid the only time anybody ever tried to pull a sexual stunt on me was one Christmas I I was in by st. Michael's shooting a hoop and I got in the fucking it was there was no buses. It was like fucking two feet of snow

There was no buses and I was standing out there for 45 minutes I was freezing and some guy pulled up and said you want to ride I go Yeah, I'm going up because yeah, I'm gonna go right up. It's like 15 block walk I just didn't want to walk my sneakers were already frozen. I had the basketball between my legs We drive and he asked me if I played basketball and at the end he went to hit the ball But he stopped me hit my ballsack. I fucking froze up. He grabbed my balls I froze up and it was by see his robot and the door opened and I just fucking flew like God was in the car The door open I just fucking ran out. He's like come back. I'm gonna fucking kill you, but I ran through the fucking weeds

Yeah Serious turn at the end. No, but it wasn't a guy from 7th Heaven the people from 7th Heaven. They came over At night and me and this guy used to go down me man this guy One of our fucking crime spree Nobody knew we did it for about a year and nobody knew he had a girlfriend She was on the level. He would take her home. He would call me from my house. I'm leaving right now I'll be by the house in 15 minutes. He had a car. He'd pick me up. He loved it He loved it, but he couldn't be because he but I used to use him as bait

Because he was so good-looking And I put them out there with his shirt open and shit fucking hilarious fucking hilarious And I remember like I got on that boat late the people who were beating up perverts I had friends that were really going down there like every night in the summer looking for perverts I'm boulevard these and I'm not even kidding. I wish I heard stories about friends of mine that You know fucking would drag them fuck. It was just sickly. These guys would get drunk and want their dick sucked They were married and wanted to just perverts, you know

What are you gonna do? Have some fun some way Just amazing So you were just back there but going through here all these all these stories. I'm driving on these side streets I had walked through all those fucking side streets one of the guys I was with I ate Chinese food I went to Cuban food on Monday. I went to Rudy's with him. He used to pinball a girl When he was like 20 he had a check that was like 18 that sucked the vice-principals deck She sucked everybody's dick and I always thought she was hot Jimmy Schubert

She was banging and I always thought she was kind of fucking creepy So I didn't fuck with it. So one night he was selling weed and I called him I said I'm gonna come down and buy weed he goes. I might not be there, but Gabby will be there That was the girl's name. So I went down and he opened the door and Gabby was naked And she was kind of standoffice. She was completely naked. I gave the I gave her the money She gave me the weed and I left nothing happened About three months later. I'm walking on Kenny boulevard and I light I look and it's Gabby one of those Cavaliers I go Gabby. What are you doing? She's like nothing. Why you want to suck my dick?

And she's like sure get in she was that much of a dirty animal We went to a side street like a residential neighborhood. She double-parked. I took my you got she suck She dropped me off. She won a fucking You just asked her out the light just that the like hi, how you doing? Yeah, I knew she was crazy What the fuck I might as well everybody else not my friend was pimping around at this point My dick sucked. It was fucking crazy. She had like yellow teeth. She was hot Who gives a fuck what's up, Lisa? Yeah, it's a Wednesday night people. This is what the church What's happened now is about Wednesday night. What are you gonna do?

What are you gonna do what the fuck Tuesday night? What are you gonna do? Watch Sun's anarchy? What are you gonna do? I had I had something fucked up happen last night after we went after I went home What happened? I Was watching porn before I went to bed and I had to turn it off and just go to bed Because in the middle of the fucking video the girl had really dirty feet No, she did and I just started thinking of you and then I couldn't do it It was like I got pissed off at doing us high as fuck and what the girl had like super dirty feet I almost sent you the link. I can't tell you a porn link. You gotta go to YouTube and find dirty

Clean feet that one with clean feet that still have respect for life that wash their feet There's others that walk around all day with dirty feet and they want to suck your dick You know you got a ringworm and you fuck She's got dirty feet so you walk in the jungle. That's a red flag It's a red flag man. Oh, no, it's one of it's a joke He tells me he said I'm not here before and I like that's the last thing I wanted to think about was Joey at that moment two in the morning. That's the most disgusting thing I ever saw Ari Shafir when they showed me you porn and the chick was sucking the guy's dick

I don't know who it was some famous chick that we had seen and I go when we get back to the hotel I didn't travel with a computer and I go show me this girl And he showed it to me and she was sucking this guy's dick. She was beautiful, but her heel was dirty Like black If your heel looks like that what's your ass? You gotta gaze a person You know if their fucking foot is all fucked up Jimmy too, she was in the house ladies and fucking don't go Diaz

What's up, buddy? You know, it's funny. What year did you hit the comedy store? Jimmy? Dude, I had the comedy store in 1985 You know that's 29 years ago. Yeah, man That's so funny I was a doorman there working there and it was like the fucking heyday man. I mean I literally I mean you got to see everybody fucking Jim Carrey fucking like one night I mean all those people become like so I mean it was a great place to be and I was only like fucking two years in at the time

So I was working to do we're watching comedy. It was like my college, you know, it was amazing To watch, you know, you were there you saw The carlin prior coming in I never got to see no. Yeah, I I never got to see no. I mean you were there when it was Just, you know, it was just I was in a motorcycle accident I remember I cut my cast off my brother Joey come out with a couple buddies from Philly And they were staying next door to the comedy store and my leg had been in the cast from the motorcycle accident I cut this fucking thing off And I'm like, you know, I'm washed it down and I'm

It's my first night without the cast and I'm walking out of the Hyatt over to the comedy store And Richard Pryor pulls in in his Ferrari And it just was a timing thing I'm coming out and we'll walk it up I was just kind of like limping a little bit because I just cut it off And uh He had this great little fucking thing. I go, hey, oh, he goes. What's wrong? I guess I got I said, I was in a motorcycle accident. He goes, yeah, I got a motorcycle. I said, I would get rid of it You know, and I walked up and they didn't we just had like a real fucking human moment with Richard Pryor

He walks into the comedy store And he we kind of kept walking I stopped and he came back out of his Richard I said, Richard, man, Jimmy sure is real nice to me But I mean he was Richard fucking Pryor and I had this great little walk and talk with him just from the front Of the Hyatt to the front of the comedy store. You're walking with a legend. You just had this fucking really cool Fucking human moment with him and then he comes back and it was like, you know I mean that was the kind of stuff that happened there. You watch him come in and do Seven minutes and three months later. He turned it into 45 minutes of fucking brilliant comedy, you know

It's amazing how much that probably meant to you. I mean, I mean it does. I mean you remember it to this day like that Four-minute walk not even yeah And it's like talking about motorcycles. Yeah You know, there's certain people that you see on tv and You have your whatever bottom your assumptions about Then you come out and they become a reality and you do have I don't know. It's just a weird thing and

It doesn't make you a better person. No, no, it just makes you uh, for me. It was jim's james cobra Yeah, alan stevens got me two days on our list with james cobra. Yeah wines Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah, I went to prison. Yeah, I didn't study with Stanislavsky. Yeah I don't know who these people are. I don't know These greats are and all of a sudden here. I am and then I started asking some creepy questions about bruce lee like You know after a nice talk to him and we had spoken cuban. No shit. Oh my god. That's that's a beautiful fucking country and Steve McQueen Loved all that stuff and he would drop all this shit on me and then you got to do lines with the fucking guy

Yeah, and i'm telling me the queer acting class that ruins your natural They're just trying to take your kid's money, you know, just that for a minute. That's it shaking his hand and walking out of the room That nobody nobody needs to know about that. There was no pictures. Yeah, there was nothing I would never even bring out a camera that day. I I still don't you know But it's just really what a weird feeling it was for me also. So you have those Just something little little signs, you know, you get ahead. It's going in the right direction humanity, doesn't it? Yeah, it gives you faith in humanity that well, do you guys think about that because I mean both of you Are at that point now where younger comics must

I'm sure they have stories also jimmy schubert at the store He said he liked that one joke like do you think about how like you let me like you can do that for other people now I Mean, yeah, I've always done that. I mean I've always had like, you know, Torma kinnison and doing that I mean there were always guys that were helping you out and guys to help you right and And we're always giving you good advice along so you always feel obligated to be kind of a good ambassador You know me and help other people out if you you know if you can anyway people trying to get up You guys you like guys you believe in you're always helping people out

That's the one thing I really like about comedy And that's what was missing when I wasn't going to the store. I didn't have my little friends that you talked to and they You know, that's that's what it's all about. It's touching somebody. He's making somebody's day, you know What may seem minuscule to you Is fucking huge to them and you don't even know it. You don't fucking know it. I don't think about it that way you know, I don't think about it that way so But no you have that that thing at the store or anybody out anywhere else around here And I see a thousand people. Yeah, I just don't say dick to them

You know, what's what's what are you gonna say dick to somebody for I don't want to say I don't know these people But there's a few people if you'd see You might say something and you might you have to say the right thing You know, you can't fucking stupid question. Yeah Or you know, what do you think of this Joe? No, just ask him outright. No talk to you They'll fucking talk to you. You know, you know, right there off the first day, you know, whatever Yeah, whatever. I saw fucking every clap in the car and I went up to him Ivar

I was going to a police station. I was going on an audition 9 30 by the police station Is that Ivar on the other side of sunset going towards Santa Monica? Is it kawanga kawanga? There's a little police that kawanga. Yeah, right there fucking kawanga one day There's no audition. There's a little house there. We used to go to auditions Maybe five years ago on the corner shitty neighborhood commercial audition place. Yeah, I parked in there and I said park I saw the light stop and I look at the thing and it's fucking Eric Clapton I had 10 I had what two minutes to strike So I made sure he turned his head, you know, I had to make sure he looked over

And once he looked over I was like He lowered his window I go, who's better than you? That's it. That's all I said to him. Who's fucking better than you and he looked at me smiled and said thank you and kept going That's fucking beautiful. Yeah, that's that's all I want. I don't want to ask him I actually learned how to play the guitar when you did Layla Who the fuck gives a fuck whether where they want to come become witty and what the fuck guy Take the picture. Hello and move on. You want to ask questions go wikpedia

Fucking By the way, they tried out the guy just wants to drive his fucking car The guy just wants to go eat the guy just wants to I remember doing the longest yard Like the first weekend and being in Santa Fe, New Mexico And we went to this off place like a Japanese restaurant And it was amazing that people had no class. I had never seen that I'd never seen a man interrupting people being interrupted What a fork was about to go in his mouth and it wasn't uh denny's

This was a japanese steakhouse or something in Santa Fe Sandler took everybody But they couldn't close the place so half the place was still open to the public And I'll never forget. I wasn't even still at the sandler table. I was sitting like Ivan salivary I was at the bums at that day at that point. They didn't have me with the fucking regular people They had me with the fucking D team me the lurchy guy from fucking india Nick tutorial, that's what I was hanging with in the beginning and I moved up a notch it to Tracy Morgan was in that table because they thought tracy was crazy. So he had to sit with us

Didn't let him sit with chris rock or adam sandler and fucking uh, I was remember that it was a sunday night I'll never forget that there were kids there And how parents would go up and say excuse me. We don't want to bother you while you eat Then why the fuck are you bothering me then? What that is the most idiotic statement ever to tell somebody Excuse me. I don't want to bother you while you eat Then don't then don't But we need a picture. It was amazing

The food is getting cold and people were like we need another picture from my aunt and thank god adam sandler's a fucking sweetheart Thank god because there was somebody else. They were said security get these fucking people out of here You with the fucking retarded kid with the big ear The fuck out of here with the ugly fucking kid It's really amazing. No, no, no listen jimmy shuber you uh You were at the store at a time when it was studio 54 in washington. Yeah, man. It was that's a good call That's a great fucking plan and simple. Yeah, there's no two ways of looking at it. If you talk to anybody from 90 Uh 95 in that's anybody. They got a county store story. Don't put you to the side and say last don't want to the county store

I want to get a fucking drink and to meet a friend and end up snorting both or eating them You know, I heard a story, you know, I heard shit like this like I remember Bert Reynolds going one night. I had a meet alan thick and Night moves Working on the night moves. What's that guy's name? Come on. Nobody fucking knows his name went well Bob seager. Bob seager. So here's burt Reynolds

meeting alan thick And bob seager to go see sam kennison You want me to run that by you again? You know, I remember uh burt Reynolds saying being at the store one night They took us into the main room with the old power And also there was a knock on the door. We opened the door was willy nelson Willy nelson just walking knocking on the main room door on the side Just knocking you heard a rumor that there might be somebody in there with a bag of blow

And cocktails he and he came up with a fucking guitar He went on stage went on the guitar while they were all snorting and showed this You know, there's a thousand of these fucking stories Oh, dude crest till crest till the place behind the comedy store door nadir. It was fucking I mean, you know, fucking ron jeremy's up there. Ted newton's up there fucking kennison's up there I mean when it was fucking I mean, it would all hang to the comedy store The after party was up there for like fucking two three days. I mean you and you're sitting up there. This was like Crest till this was like marin stayed there. This was the house

I had a big house with a bunch of rooms and comedians would come out there, dude And they would fucking hang out fucking snort and drink bottles of jack danes and bust the furniture I was thrown into fireplace Yeah God threw a liking on me because he didn't make me a lot not like needles because I would have done heroin And he made me not come out here then because that would have fell right into the hole of death. Oh my god Yeah, well, he survives it. I mean, you know, I mean, it's fucking marin was back then me and marin Yeah, we were fucking kids, man. We saw me and my room were fucking doorman at the fucking store

Me and a kid named newles leavenstein. We'll come in there. We were just had to fucking seat that main room They flipped that main room three fucking times And you're sitting down. I mean Me newles passed the same five dollar bill back and forth all night just to let people know they had to tip us And we would walk with like fucking, you know a couple hundred bucks I mean, that's how you made your living, but it's but you would flip that fucking main room It's 500 seats that would flip it with three shows 15

Two should two shows in the belly room and two shows in the I mean just flipping the room like fucking crazy I mean, it was unbelievable every night or like well, he used to be the old seros I mean that was the old seros and they and when they bought the original room was next door When they bought that other place that was owned by the fucking gangster used to run seros And he also had the house That was crest hill when he bought that the house came with it There's a fucking little barrel where you can run fucking moonshine down there I mean that place is rigged and up to the house and there's a lot of history with it. They, you know

So, you know, they called it the belly room, but there was gangsters and I'm sure illegal abortions performed back there I mean, that's what they say. It's haunted Place supposedly haunted It's uh, no when you get there And when you walk in there now, what do you see Jimmy sugar? 30 years later 25 years later, what do you see now? You know comedy's changed so much. I mean, I mean that then it was a different animal now It's social media and it's become like, you know, it's

It's uh, it's it's great. I mean, you know comedy has its ups and downs Like people have their ups and downs in their careers and I think comedy's on the fucking boom now I think it's you know, it's done. I mean, they're doing 15 000 seats at this odd ball festival that's traveling around I mean, you guys know you're doing arenas and theaters and stuff Comedy's on the It's grown a lot. It's really you know back then if you think about it realistically in 1970 I don't think you could make a living being a stand-up comedian like 75 or 72 whenever the comedy store started You couldn't go. I mean you'd open for big name acts, but I mean you couldn't tour the country like you can do it now

I mean, it's grown. It's a treasure to the fucking growth industry You know, he's got an email new comedy club open You know, they open and they close They all hire screech So somebody These new comedy clubs always get put together the highest Once I see screech on the fucking schedule. I don't go there. I see screech on the menu. I don't go there Done you you fucking fucked up. I see screech or the stars of soap operas. You're done. Oh, god. Fuck you

That's hilarious That elbow is tremendous isn't it? You get nice and thirsty. You're fucking deep I blow through three bottles of water. Yeah, that's why I like Then it is when I show when I did blow I used to drink water. That made me feel healthy That's how I used to but who care. What do you mean? I'm not healthy I did an eight-ball. Yeah, but who drank a gallon of fucking water And then I ate sushi for breakfast. I'm back It's I'm sorry. Oh, no, I just I we had Joe Rogan on a like a month or so ago

And I got too high to ask this question, but I If you weren't a comic back then you probably didn't know about the comedy store Like it wasn't as now with all these podcasts everyone Everyone who listens to them knows about the comedy store. Is it kind of It's a legendary place, but does it detract from it at all? I like are you almost I'm kind of upset like without podcasts you guys like it would it'd be a lot harder to sell tickets So it's great, but are you almost like?

Are you almost a little bit sad now that that it's not just like a secret little club that you guys had? I don't know. It's a secret. Well, not a secret club, but Like it wasn't like now everyone around people in australia people in japan know about the comedy store and it's It's uh, I didn't know if it was something you wish everyone didn't know about Yeah, did the comedy stories that specials there? Yeah, it was bad ass man. Okay And let me tell you I just happened to be there at that time, but I mean there was a time before that I mean a letterman came out of there fucking rob Williams j. Leno. I mean everybody. I didn't see it was nincompoop Yes, I'm shreg t. Nelson tim reed. I mean a lot of guys amazing

Who's the director that used to do fucking this on the walls you go on the walls there? You look you fucking your head will spin. Listen. I started comedy in 91 in july of 91 And maybe like six months in somebody pulled me inside and they said there's mitzvios in you So six months in I was already pre-programmed that I was going to the comedy store In all those years that I was warming up nobody ever came to me and said hey, I'll see you at the improv I didn't know till I didn't know about the laugh factory I didn't hear about the laugh factor till I came to showcase there when I lived in seattle I always knew about the comedy store

And you read the you know prior information and you read all that stuff and They were there at that time. I was connected to a comedy store through Richard prior robbing williams and kennison And then as I got more into comedy I learned more about the spot But that was the spot I was sent to go into from day one. I don't know who sent me I don't know who they just sent me to go there. You know when you begin comedy It's like anything else. Well if you start fighting tomorrow in your 22, what's your What's your goal?

The ufc right there's no playing I want I really I want to fight because I want to spread wealth and no You're gonna fight because you're gonna go into the ufc. Yeah, if not, it's not gonna work out for you That's it. You're gonna fight little arena fights to your 38 and you're like rocky babo getting beat up every fucking weekend for $55 Your goal is to be on the biggest stage in the world For me, it was the comedy store For me, I don't know what I'd do if she wouldn't have passed me. I don't think I could have recovered from that shock That would have really shocked my soul and I see a lot of people who I came up with that didn't get passed

It really fucks with you a little bit because that's no matter what that's always the ultimate fucking spot You got to go through there before you get to fucking me in the stamina. You got to go through there. That's it in my world That's how it is For me, I know, you know, we both jim and I both had the same manager who was very aggressive who really We had heather mcdonnell here two weeks ago. Oh, yeah And we talked about and we talked about how aggressive he was that if our friend jeff getland jeff if jeff had We had jeff today

We'd both be on tv. Yeah, because jeff was too good for me I don't know about jimmy. I wasn't ready for jeff jeff was throwing me into roles, you know Yeah, i'ma saying to talk to woody allen type shit jeff didn't give a fuck my famous story is jimmy schubert went out when I got fucked up went for a pilot Fucked it up jeff got him in there the next day. That's an hurdle in this business That's an hurdle because jeff would pick up the fucking phone jeff ruined us Yeah, jeff ruined guys like that pick me up at the airport and drove me to the audition

This is the fact that's what a fucking manager did the throw me. I go. I don't know if I can make it I'm getting and he goes i'll pick you up. I'll take you and it happened to be the fucking coach That I got and fucking one hour photo to do drove me to that audition I wound up getting a role with robin williams I worked with him on for two days great little fucking thing, you know, but I mean Drove me to the audition. If not, I would have never made it But that that was a fucking manager that guy and I he ruined us dude He said this he said no, I son again ready to sign my contract

He goes we were negotiating percentages and I said listen if I make over that you'll get to 15 Dude a month later. I had a development deal for just north of that That's cool. That's all right. You made your point. He was that guy. He was a great fucking manager You know, I've there, you know, it's funny. You try to you know, you're right He spoiled this because you spoiled this because now like my agency called three or four days and they're like, excuse me Uh, we looked at your actor profile There's a lot of information that wasn't filled in on that and I said listen Just pick up the phone. I don't think they're gonna keep me at this agency

Because when I was the first day from surgery, they sent me an email like If you owe your agent man, just send them you owe your agent money Send them money and I sent back take your fucking magic elsewhere As soon as I get the check, I mail it to you motherfuckers and it was the president of the company So my agent called back and said you got to apologize. I ain't gonna fucking apologize I'm sending him money in my own business and this bitch is accusing me of all the money I pay my fucking debt So rather that put me off and then the other day when christine whatever name is called

So you need to fill out your actor profile, you know, jeff gallin got me out without a headshot. Yeah So when people come to me When you look at a breakdown a breakdown is what goes out three or four times a day and tells you what roles Are available for people to audition if you look at 10 breakdowns 10 breakdowns will tell you in bold letters No phone calls, please They've been on there for 30 years jeff gallin never looked at that He called you and he called you at your fucking house. How many times you got to call from jeff 11 30 one in the morning Yeah, he didn't fuck around though. He would call fucking people at their houses

I was telling them a story last week that I was in jeff's office one day when he was holding on I got to take this and he took this call and he was calling the executive that's what he used to call executive producers And tell him what was wrong with their show And go, how you doing? This is uh jeff gallin from whatever management the reason why i'm calling you is your show Was down 42 percent. You're you're not touching the demographic that you belong I have two characters jimmy shubin and joey d is they're doing a showcase at the improv on thursday night grab this pen Thursday night eight thirties. I want you to bring your two head riders down. This is how he spoke to people Not that you understand me lean

You understand what this is why you would talk to people grab a pen That's control That's called control when somebody goes grab a fucking pen And I know why am I grabbing a pen grab a pen? His name is jimmy shubin and joey d is they're gonna be on the improv 845 What i'm gonna do is i'm gonna put your name on a list and he just sold you i'm that was it There was no what are you doing thursday night? There was no questions grab a pen grab a pen This is what we're doing

We're gonna go you're gonna go up seven thirty when you look at these two guys I think you could add them for a role as a garbage man. I'm one of your shows there He did that for me for not doing great For one of those shows he called And he was like this is what you do and this is what and the people showed up. They didn't like me But that's how you get somebody on tv. Yeah, he took that fucking black kid that moved out here. That was half skinny He took that kid put dreads on him made him take steroids Put him in that fucking hollywood jim and the kid was on tv for seven years

He was in that dead zone That black kid with the dreadlocks that was on dead zone. That was jim. That was his creation He was in vegas still getting the commission from that fucking kid I remember the first time he put it. He put that kid up at the union and gave him a seven minute set That kid a developmental deal a month fucking later. Yeah, like 300,000 fucking dollars. That's one bit well That was like you said man. I haven't I haven't anybody like that says that john adams Black dude with dreadlocks. Yeah, who's his manager now? Uh, let's see. Uh, oh, I don't have uh IMDb, I don't have a proud on pro

So yeah, I can't see what's in there. I just saw get in the vegas Did you yeah, I was up there doing brad garret's joint was a great little club and uh, you showed up all chubby with the Baby and no, no, he showed up with the wife for another couple. You know, he's married life. He's got a couple of kids He's happy man. He's happy. He's a great guy man, but boy, I tell you you're right I tell I tell him I tell you I said you ruined us Ruined us. He used to get you into anything anything. I read for rona crest for fucking spider man one He had me in movies and I would go Oh my god, what's he thinking?

He got me into fucking a travolta movie with billy guardell Me and billy almost got it going in there on a monday reading with travolta and fucking devito and shit like that He was fucking nuts. This was jeb getland. Yeah, but I wasn't ready for it There was no way he would get your auditions on sunday saturdays Tuesday nights. He got you in the fucking room With none of this bullshit when you come out here, they try to sell you bullshit We get the sound of actors access and this is 52 dollars a year You know, if you fucking put a new video on actors access, they charge you 35 fucking bucks. Yeah

Just a little video. It's a scam. It's a hustle If you go down to put change your head shots for your commercials, they charge you 25 of head shots 25 hours a head shot to fucking scan your head shot and put it into the fucking computer And these agents will say we want eight different looks. Listen. Tell your mother to look at my dick eight different days All right, you're getting one head shot sell that motherfucker to the end Getland didn't even have a head shot for like four months on me And he was getting me fucking auditions with top fucking names and you're worried about the profile getting filled down Get on the fucking phone. That's the problem with people is they look at everything

Well, no because get on the fucking phone. Don't worry. What are you doing? You're a salesman get on the well the window It's the karma. Who gives a fuck about karma call those motherfuckers. They're about to buy a fucking car Some hindu right now is gonna sell him a fucking car I'm sorry Jimmy two shoes, how good is that fucking brownie so far? Jimmy two shoes. I hope you have nothing to do tomorrow Actually, no because this gets deeper about 11 30 tell me Oh, yeah, it's into a different fucking like you'll think you'll be okay for like 30 minutes like oh, this is as high as I'm gonna get I'm right there right now and like 20 minutes of it just takes off again. I want you fuel it with sugar

I dare you to eat a cookie I dare you to eat a cookie remember that when we were kids I dated not this battery off my shoulder Science cocksuckers the church of what's happening now Wednesday in an audition sitting here with jimmy shubin the flying Jew Look at the picture of charles brunson. Look at love that. What is that? It's like I was telling somebody did that for you. Yes, that's great. That's a beautiful fucking picture. You really think it's it's money, it's right on Yeah, today after we spoke I'm like fucking uh

Philadelphia is just I learned a lot down there. I went to see a lot of comedy shows That area was rocking when I was a kid. It really fucking rock I thought new york city rocked it really rocked and now it's different It's still rocks, but it's got that. Yeah, it's kind of kind of regenerated a little bit on some places You know some areas are trying to you know, it's but it's it's a great city man a lot of history It's it was great to grow up there all that you know independence all and all that shit You saw that when you weren't just reading about it and all and uh, but but it also filled off

You had a dad these little it was like these real rolled dexes of neighborhoods. This is an Italian neighborhood I mean, you know the pollock neighborhood down in fish town. I mean there were little pockets in Kensington My old man's uh I just wrote this great book called confessions of a second story man It was about the guys in Philadelphia to grow up in Kensington and Allegheny And they were they were a band of fucking second story men that fucking robbed from fucking Houston to uh Long island from Maine down they worked in four man crews and these guys were out of Philly

They never got nobody ever talked about these guys, but they were amazing. They didn't get caught They operated from the fucking probably late fifties to like the early eighties until fucking drugs came into the operation They all started flipping on each other, but it's a great vocal confession of a second story man And talks that it was like these guys were legendary in Philly, but no kind of like, you know, nobody else knew about them But operated. I mean Put the fucking merchandise on the bus. They'd all take separate fucking planes back. It were rivaling Philly And with fence they were like Robin Hood, you know or around but

Yeah It's an interesting place to grow up. It's what I'm trying to say. I'm sorry man. It's like biscuits Whenever I go to Philly, I always get a different memory. Yeah, like something pops up. That was kind of scary Never no beeps. I never was the scariest thing. Like I said, it was the FBI that day and I had coke on me I had a little vial of coke with the spoon on top those days was like 82 It was uh, it was it's an interesting south jerseys, you know jerseys fucking I can't believe that

The jersey shore show look what it became. You know the havoc we were causing at the jersey shore 30 years ago wildwood seasides. I went to letting city shit crazy Like in the middle of the night did jump in your car and go down. That's what you do That's it Just driving through it. Let's go by the fucking guy. There's a guy on fucking facebook that won't friend me His name is george mcgraff. He's a smoke camel My only friend you man. I taught him. He's a teacher and one night we robbed the gas station and I owe the money and I He goes you got my money. I call him up. I go you got an eight-boy because you owe me money. I go

I got cash. You got my other money. I got it. I gave a bag this big of money was 300 singles But it looked like $10,000. He called me like an hour later. That was fucking 300 singles You son of a bitch But I remember that time we took an eight ball to seaside heights And we just went in the whole tower room and we would do the fucking eight ball in two days then You know, it's amazing how you even with weed whatever the edibles You get the tolerance like when I was in high school I could do an eight ball with three guys never last a whole night, you know

Like till two in the afternoon. I get an eight ball when I quit. I was doing a ball by myself every fucking night You figure I was probably doing a gram less than an eight ball when I quit doing blow a night Are you see it like right before you quit? I was probably doing a fucking I was doing two grams for sure. How many grams in an eight ball three and a half fuck The fuckly you don't know this shit. I don't know we didn't learn the way like you said we didn't learn the metric system in school It's a it's what really baffles me when you read that book The kettison book and they talked about the parties there were times I had to put the fucking book that

Because I know what it's like. I know what it's like for it to be nine the more and the sun's coming through Yeah, you're drinking vodka. You're doing blow and you're not even getting on There's a chick there that will suck your dick because she's just as numb as you are She'll do whatever you do whatever you want to You don't even want that and the coke bill is on his way with another package And you know, you got another show tonight But it's just brutal. Oh my god. I think about that like this. I guess I can oh god So I'm you know, I'm glad

You know, I'm gonna Hey, I'll do that real quick. You know, it wasn't you know, I mean, no, obviously the word is fucking the part I mean kettison was just Just four days in a row. You're in vegas right there doing the dunes just four days you're rocking You know, you're at the fucking libya garden still fucking, you know 12 o'clock in the you know, you get up you go back in the room. You don't sleep you do a couple more lines You're doing shows that night. I mean, it was fucking dude. I'm glad I survived it. It was fucking madness, dude I think about it now and I go that was just fucking insanity

You know, I It's funny because you know, I used to have a lot of parties at the fucking car. I mean, I'm not throwing I mean, I like you obviously I've done it. I'm not throwing you fucking, you know, it's but I participated in it So I but it was it was I think back down I go, holy smokes. Just fucking blowed my mind and was oh my god. I think sometimes Some nights I was zeroing up particular night I remember how much cocaine was there And how we did it or how I did it

and I you know I mean, I got out of the fucking prison When I first got out of prison, there was a three-day gap before I could get back to a halfway house And my buddy sold coke I used to drive a cab so I wait till he drove the cabin and I And I run to his fucking house and take like a coke rock Like a little rock just for a taste in those days I could do three lines and go to bed jerk off and go to bed

But this one I went over and I only had was big rocks. I took this fucking boulder And I was in I was in prison the whole time that had been clean was probably I don't know 13 months I've been clean or something so I hadn't done in a while and I fucking and I had a sleep in a trailer It was a horse trailer and whatever, but it was redone. She had a bathroom a shower or a tv And I went over that night and I took that coke rock out and I had like two bottles of beer Oh my god That was the worst night ever Because I got so high that the coke made me start hallucinating

Once it's speedy you start hallucinating and I remember looking out the window. I was crawling on the floor Looking out the fucking window and seeing guys in white snow suits On ropes coming down off the trees. Oh my fucking god When the bendel blew up because sometimes you have like a A bendel and you open it up and all some of the coke goes And it pops up all over the fucking room now there's rocks all over the floor. Oh my god And I crawled on that floor for hours and I kept finding one little rock one little rock Just thinking about it, Lee

And in the middle of all this you got a pee in your paranoid and I have a crawl to the pee Take your dick out and hide while you're fucking peeing And you're sweating and your jaws pinned to one fucking side. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my fucking god If you're doing that blow shit still get off it right now because I just got fucking hallucinating thinking about that Let's give a shout out to some fucking people here real quick. What's happening, Lee? How you feeling? I'm pretty high. You look good. Lee. Thank you. What do you got in the books for tomorrow? I got Steve Simone at 9 a.m. And then uh 9 a.m. Yeah, he's going on. He's traveling. So we gotta do it No, I think he's going to Chicago with Steve Bern

Give a shout out to my man aunt ellie My my black motherfucker wait for dusk Steven Katanik ookey spooky. I haven't seen him once lately. What the fuck is ookey spooky? She was there a couple days ago lady j alberto jimenez luke cantalan and tommy g. I love you cocksucker What's up, Lee? Why are you sitting there with the long fucking month? What do you got playing for the weekend with the wife? I know a crepe class No, her mom is going to see pitbull because her mom thinks pitbull's cute. So what man is this friday? We're going to dinner Uh, you're taking the whole family

No, I mean, yeah, we're going for her mom's birthday. You got a little pitbull? No, they don't lie to me cocksucker. I don't know pitbull. It's microphone in her mom. It's who gives a fuck I know how to be there. Stop being a half effect. I'm not going to pitbull You're gonna sit there fucking wiggle on these shit. How would you wiggle the pitbull music? I don't even know You don't even know put pitbull finds a bad fucking music. That is the worst fucking music I've ever heard her mom thinks Her mom likes him the fucking Budweiser gave that fucking guy money That is a fucking shame. I don't care if he's cuba or not. I heard he's a nice guy I'm not here to insult him, but that music is so fucking bad

I can't do it. Come on leave. Oh, I didn't think you actually want me to play Yeah, we want to hear something by this fucking guy. Just uh, that's like these djs. I just read these djs that go around 20 grand a month 20 grand a weekend. Yeah, I don't know the fucking people. What's his name? What's the guy you? You got what I need That guy gets a check for like 15 and a three or four songs. He sings this song and he leaves, bro Yeah, go is right here. Hold on the ad's just ending. Hold on. There's more key Oh, yeah, those Japanese guys in Vegas those chinese guys and the kids coming Is he singing yeah

But I don't hate the player hate the game He's selling it bro. He's fucking selling it He sold us like a beer. I mean he got paid Oh, yeah, this just just goes to show you where we stand Ebola is fucking definitely in our future And whoever bought this song for Budweiser is the first person who should get it That dumb motherfucker, you know what I'm saying? What's up, Lee? Why are you scratching your face? Why are you getting you basking me? What's up? No, no, I don't know I'm fucked up. You look nice with your green shirt. Let me see. Show me jimmy shoot with the crab

Why do you always want my crab? Because you got tremendous trapezoids showing the crab showing that you're a fucking liar Fuck I'm hot. No, that's a half a crab. Dude, you lost you lost you lost 52 pounds Uh, 55 right now. 56. That's for you, man. That's for you. I'm trying. That's pretty impressive. He's a savage He's gonna drop. He's only gonna go down to about one fucking 10 by the time we get through with Always gonna be his fucking head always gonna be his head in the yarmulke by the time I get rid of He's gonna start wearing a yarmulke soon too. We're going back to the old school here It was the last time we had a yarmulke on Lee my bar mitzvah. I don't know Yeah, I probably around then

Fuck What's up? Look another guy who's gone. So what'd you think about last comic standing? How'd you get involved with that? How the fuck did you get involved with the whole thing? Uh, you know, dude, I just uh, I showed up in the audition Oh, you didn't say we like no, I actually heard I heard the one the sikes was taken over and I said, oh, that's interesting And I said, uh, you know, they were bringing it back and uh, it was like I had like a three audition day I had to go do a radio interview a audition for something and then right over there and just Spotted a package and they passed me and then they just did this fucking hundred round Invitational and I went up and put together a fucking set and went out there and knocked it out of the park and

They just kept going they invited me and got into the top 10 And then I wanted to get out of there before it became real how's wise the last comic standing, you know, it becomes a reality show It's like, yeah A really reality guy, you know, but it was great. It was a great experience and you know I'm glad they brought it back because I think it's great for comedy and I thought they picked great guys I think rod man and rocky And locking and some of these guys I know they're doing 20 years 26 years dc. Benny. How did rocky end up doing? Rocky finished out five. Did he really? Yeah, they're out on tour now

Those guys are out on tour right now with the last comic and dc. Benny dc. Benny finished eighth Wow Yeah, and it was just uh, and then uh, joe mackey and monroe martin and carlos miller I mean never they hadn't they had some good content good comics. They were they were all really good and rodman wanted I didn't seem rodman in years. Yeah, I know but he's been doing it for a long time man. People don't realize I mean, he's a fucking pro that guy's a fucking, you know, I mean, I'm I was impressed this guy can you know It's you don't realize how tough it is to be funny on television every week And because you got to work in the sensors everything's every fucking word before you even do is that has to be submitted, you know

let's do like I mean every week is as you get to come up with something You know, they send it over they send it back you send it back you send it back then you try to get it It worked out, you know, it was kind of cool. It was cool It's an experience. Yeah. Yeah, it was a great experience. It really was I mean, I'm enjoying the exposure out of it You know kind of I mean, I'm I've been working my balls. I was just like you man If I can last I mean this is like the first week off. I hadn't almost four months, which is great Believe me, I'd rather have that than

You know last summer was a little rough. There was a little rough, you know But you did David tells underground and they just kind of reinvigorated the stand-up career and it's great They're doing that again, huh? Yeah, they are they're doing a second season that really? Yeah That's fucking amazing because I didn't know at the store Okay, I think so What's that they're taping out at the store. Oh, are they really that's what I heard Yeah, I saw online or something like that And that's the other thing that the store is pulling in this other thing now

The HBO special looked great. Did you see it? Yeah, I didn't see it I just I I taped it. I watched the first time and it looks great. Yeah, it was like Lee man That's I mean he's a really great. It's really nice. You know for a long time She only did let people do subjective things in there. Yeah now this new team is Every night I come home and I tell my wife how impressed I am with the comedy store It's not a place for old guys at all. It's not a place for me to hang out. It's a young place Yeah, but we go in there. We rock and we leave. Yeah, you had to run right you fucking run. Yeah, you go on but it's uh I've improved in the two months. I've been there

Yeah, like I've improved. I'm ready to feel it. Well, you go there to work, man I mean, I I mean, it's you know, I get it. I can you go always fine, man I'd love going there. It's everybody's bringing the ray game at the store. Everybody's up in it You gotta be on you gotta go in there. I hit it and if I can You know hand and ship. Yeah, but well, you know, like the old days It ain't the old days, you know hitting you know hitting quit I would go up there. I remember the nights I would go up there with no money A dollar not a dollar and I I'd snort coke all night

Drink all night and leave with a coke rock And six dollars for breakfast. I don't have a walking on sunset and seeing bop bakers ex-wife The first one he fucking that went home and the doors were locked and the feds took a furniture and shit Fuck and she gave me a ride home one morning and gave me breakfast. I mean I got into some fucking wild parties here I think the wildest it got was when that dude sold the club in florida And came out here for like three months and he was going

Oh, John Middle Where is John Bindle? Holy fuck, man Lee, what's the matter? You're gonna cry. No, I'm fine. I'm just listening. They close subways. Yeah, that would be very sad John Bindle he contacted me. He opened up a club in milwaukee He was up there snorkeling with dama. Then he had a club down in fucking south carolina I mean the guy would everywhere he went he would like open up a club for three months and then move on you the bow Mitchell waltz. He had like eight people. Yeah, then they started to register one night. That was all though, but the john

Fucking he came out here with cash, dude. I don't know what he did. Yeah, he sold a comedy club And came out here with a suit. Listen Lee He came out here with a suit case full of cash Like in july and checked into that sleazy hotel across from the sun from rouse Hollywood rouse, Hollywood rouse. They had that tropical. They just redid it I'm a bean in there and snorting coke with him and stealing one of his eight balls on the counters

He had that black chick that had the hiv From holtzman's building in there one night. She had like open sores on her feet and shit And he's in there snorting coke dancing with it. I'm like listen keep dancing. I'm gonna steal one of your eight balls I'm out of here. I ain't even touching the same fucking he came out and that guy had a like a spy. I was like You think I'm kidding you. I never saw something like that in years He went through like 50,000 and too much At the comedy store doing blah lost his mind every night Some night he was checking to the hilton high at some nights and he could steal sleazy hotel. That was 98

Yeah, that was 98 90 summer. Yeah, I've already seen that with some certain people's like, you know Oh, that's it. This listen boy. This place attracts Some weird motherfuckers. Yeah, it does this play. Look at the movie. Are you was in? I was in a movie a year and a half ago that the kid came out here with like eight million dollars The uh, the guy the who punched a hooker right or bit her tongue off. Oh, that's that chop whatever guy Oh, that that dude the slap chop guy slap. So yeah, that shit that it wasn't his movie But they put him in the movie. Oh, okay. There was somebody that came out here like four million dollars and started paying like, you know What did jimmy shuber want? He wants two thousand a day give him four

Put him on for 30 days and he ran out of money and but they had lindsay low hand they had the black guy from The movie with tom hanks that died god bless his soul They had I mean, this was a young kid that came up with an american express card, bro Wow and put a movie together and then after he had i think uh, Lindsay low hand told him i want like 30 a day I want an eight ball an hour And I think she cleaned him out. So and he had to sell it to somebody else somebody else came in

His father sent him another four million. That's how they got it released. They got that fucking movie released What was the name of that disaster? They got yanked on saturday They released it on a Friday. They got yanked on sat the inappropriate movie or whatever. Yes Yeah, with lindsay low hand the black guy with tom hanks from the prison movie Ari was an arry got him for a fucking small fortune really For like three days of work because he told him that he had

Whatever the fuck he had done. He had that was his character amazing racist. Yeah, it was the amazing racist So they gave him like a loot They gave a huge check That's and then they called him and said want you to come back and do work and he goes I need another and you they said No, we paid you too much the last time you said fuck it. You paid me over there check his cash Either you pay me that again. I won't do it. They pay them again The same amount to do like voice work and shit like that's arry bang them out. That's what jews do

These kids that come out confused you take that credit card you wipe your ass with it You send ten g's to israel let him my first date kids for yonka pour and give him up and that's it That's what you do. You know first a I was over there, man. I went over to israel. I know you did you do the club and tell It and uh, yeah, tell it. Yeah, tell me how was the club and tell it was great, man And tell of these the the coolest fucking audience of the fucking trip I mean you're doing like the very these like, you know, you're doing a lot of these synagogues and they're mostly traditional people You got to do 20 minutes clean But I would just wanted to go to the trip man. I had never been the fucking israel, bro

I mean, I went to you know, you go there. You're in I wanted to go to fucking Jerusalem, I wanted to go see the city. You know, you see the stations the cross. I'm I was raised catholic I mean I that means something to me, you know, so you go in there and you it was fucking moving was powerful And that's why I went there, but I also had a fucking great time doing this I mean they they they treat your first class. Uh, I've you Lieberman books it and he does it like twice a year. It was I mean, uh, I went with Butch Bradley and uh, I've never been to that church that church. It's supposed to be beautiful. No, it's not. It's amazing, man It's kind of life altering. It's when you go downstairs and you write a note in the wall. No, that's the western wall

That's the western wall. But yeah, yeah, you put them what they call them fitzges. They put a bunch of jew IOU They gave you for money there. I got taken for money there I went when I was in high school and they walk over asking for donations And I made the mistake of opening my wall looking for and the guy just looked in green Oh, that's perfect. Am I my chaperone had to go over and be like, give him the money back because he took like 20 bucks Yeah, they don't fuck around though. They got sticky fingers. Those jews got blood on their fingers that 20 sticks track Who blow on your fingers? Everything sticks to the bull and you're fucking Lee, it's wednesday night. It's the end of yonka. I've never invited back to israel

You got another fucking year till atonement and you forgive people and everything like that, you know Jimmy Schubert's a fucking trip to uh, see you at the store I didn't watch none of the last comic stuff. I heard stuff, but I watched the underground I'm gonna tell you fucking destroy it and the rumor was Even before the show came out that you had destroyed all over new york When rafi may spreads a rumor like that. It's fucking real He was telling everybody the guy who destroyed it was jimmy schubert watched jimmy schubert's episode So the word got out and look, you know

The good thing about the comedy game in this game that we do you could be down for a while Yeah, the little changes overnight. You just keep writing jokes and shut your fucking mouth. That's what you've got to do And keep getting on fucking states. That's it. There's no fucking Book to this. There's nothing You get up you fucking have the best intentions for yourself You take care of yourself to keep yourself healthy. You write some jokes. You go up there. You try You go on the road when you can And you just keep fucking working. You believe in yourself every once on you bump into a bad movie a good movie

People contact you you go out for an audition, but we're still in the game How many people you see come and go that had more things going on than you ever dreamed of fucking having Yeah, man, sometimes you walk through and you see those old headshots and just you know So it kind of like goes to christmas, you know future if you don't if you don't stay relevant I mean the thing at you know, jome rivers I mean, I mean I that piece of work at documentary could be one of the best Documentions I've ever seen about being a standard comedian. I mean his chick was relevant until she was fucking 80 She did 50 years. I mean fucking down on wrinkles are still doing if you're relevant, you're right and it's you know, it's this is it

this is it it's uh It's that easy There's no fucking shortcut There's no whatever, you know what who would have dreamed Did you ever dream that you'd be in a life of 30 years doing them? We were robbing williams and brad pit. You did go. You did the kevin jet. Did the mike and molly put you on yet? I've been on yet. I read for what the fuck is he went for fucking years?

I went down there too one day to rate. They fucking told me no. I'm like dog. Come here. I know the guy. What's the problem? Don't make me call him. No use a fly. No, I didn't say that I went there for the pilot. I went there for the pilot when I fucked up to read Yeah, I blew my read too. I was I got in I got in front of producers and just I kind of I fucking you know when I was off stage, you know, I mean, you know, he just flew in all right here because You know, that's amazing, man that uh, I'm baffled. I wake up some mornings. I can't believe I'm in that way And I gotta tell you something sometimes when I drive around walsh and I see those palm trees. Yeah I hear the talking dead the talking heads, you know, how did I get here? Yeah, how the fuck did I get here? I was just doing time

I was just sleeping in a park, you know, I was just sleeping in the car when I was sleeping on In a car on sunset. I thought I had a year left here. Yeah, I was like, I'm preparing. What's my next move? I'm gonna go back to the electricians junior So it's it's it's mind boggling if you believe in yourself. Yeah But it's only like the toughest fucking thing you'll ever do. I mean, you gotta fucking hang in there and fucking You know, but I mean if you had to you know, if your worker Wow My mouth just dried up. Okay. Yeah, the water again. Please man, bro. This is this is tremendous

I don't fuck around the elbows. I use a time tester on a godzilla like myself If they fucking kill me, they'll destroy you. That's the way you have to look at things when you're dealing uncle joey But man, I gotta tell you shoes. I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you too. I love you, you know We're still here, man. Yeah, man people have fucking come and gone and They had more going on and they had deals and cAA and they just this a fucking beard And this couldn't crack me. This couldn't crack me, man. I got off the drugs here. I ended up having a child here I got a second chance to be a man second chances or that it's it's fucking It's what's you know, they're there if you want them, you know, you just gotta work towards them

Like you said, you know, we both I cleaned up my act. I got my head together and fucking had this opportunity With the fucking last comic and it was like, you know, you know, it was something that I was ready to have happen You know, maybe in the past I wouldn't have been but now you can handle it, you know Joey has a lot of not sayings but things that you repeat like just you're trying to teach me things And a lot of what he talks about like oh, no, probably at least once a week If he says these old comics, they don't know what they're stuck in the past They they don't want to put in the work and it's pretty great that that I mean You would think maybe you wouldn't want to go on a show because you're like, oh, I'm above that

But it like totally restarted your career. Like it's pretty awesome Like you're willing to go like you don't think I'm above Last comic standing or that you know who I am. Well, dude, it was actually fucking got my head in the game again It got me fucking writing again. It got me thinking about my sets again. It got me doing fucking like Putting shit together because you're putting on national television. You want to put your fucking brand out there You know, you're gonna get these opportunities and it was it was about Probably more than anything. I mean people show up to see it live on purpose now. That was fucking We just saw who retired last week who retired from baseball

Derek Derek You look at his career. Do you ever have a bad season? Do you ever have a season where he just drifted along the independent or whatever? You know, it's the same with comedy You're gonna have a few bad months. You don't even know for a long time. I was in booking or editions But you know why you keep getting on that fucking stage It's weird out And I know Schubert gets these calls when people don't want to do the work

We have friends that'll call you As you were you're at and you're embarrassed to tell them because they're at home for fucking six weeks Then they make like a statement like they make like an offhand remark about what you're doing or something And you know, I get up every morning at fucking six. I tweet I write jokes for an hour. You have to do that one joke I was tired for that three o'clock. I go, you know what they know. I'm gonna I went over got a coffee and I sat there for two hours. How much did I write till I write my masterpiece? Not really

But I wrote a fucking slogan and I put an entry in a book and it's your head. You know, it's your fucking head, man And I see people in this town that just drift around they do enough work and they move They do enough work and it's work. This is fucking work, man. This is What day's off? We're fucking days off. We're fucking vacation. What what are you fucking talking about your sister's wedding? What wedding are you talking about? I love comics that call you up. I got no work. Where are you this weekend? My sister's getting married. I'm a comedian. We're wedding you send me a fucking invite You get a 50 and a thank you and good luck. You know, you're fucking wedding. I don't give a fuck about your fucking wedding I don't give a fuck. I'm doing comedy. They work weekends. What's fucking wedding?

What made your wedding happen on wednesday? The fuck on a saturday. I don't do nothing on saturday. I don't give a fuck who died. I ain't going on saturday I'm fucking on the stage. Let me give some fucking. Let me I don't have work. Well, I'm going on cruise with my girlfriend and fucking die on that fucking cruise You're a fucking comic. You don't go on cruise is cunt. You work on the fucking weekend. You gotta tell this shit You gotta tell people right off the fucking bat I'm She likes I don't give a fuck what she likes

You know what fuck what she likes Let's let's start these motherfuckers, right? All right. Everybody wants to fucking go to heaven. Well, nobody wants to die That's what honest here. I don't fuck around. They're the best optimal optimization that you could take I'm just gonna say words to you. You do what the fuck you want to do with these words. You understand me? But you know what the fuck i'm talking about if I you if I yell at you in spanish You don't know what i'm saying, but you know what i'm talking about. It's two different fucking things Go to honet that right now. You want to take it yourself? You having problems. You have frittata You can't remember shit alpha brain is the product for you. You're walking with a limp

You have a little bump on your knee try some fucking strong bow stretch that motherfucker out get on the bicycle once in a while It's not gonna straighten out because you stand at the fucking bar drinking you get my point Take care of yourself cock suckers be a better friend to yourself It all starts right here with this podcast and it starts with honet go to honet.com I can't cover you on the kettlebells and the other stuff to lift and throw and shit But on minerals and vitamins enzymes. I got you. I got you I got you for 10% off go to honet right now or go to joeydeas.net go to the honet box and press church. Oh, shit C-h u-r-c-h get 10% off if you're fucking smart like me you get to stay on a program

They mail it right to your house like dollar shape club natures box all the top companies do You're standing additional 10% go to honet right now. Stop fucking around stop being a mook all your life What are you pressing the box church? There you go church c-h u-r-c-h You're sitting there still like a fucking idiot right now. You're going boy. I wish I had a healthy snack All I got is doritos and I got the half burrito from 7-11. You don't need this aggravation Listen, I got two words for you fucking morons free snacks Go to natures box, right? What would you say? Yeah, free fucking snacks cocksucker drop the candy boy. You fat fuck drop the potato chips They're not good for you. You want the listen wholesome fucking snacks nutritionalist approved

Go to natures box right now. No sugar added. They got shit with gluten without gluten What I'm trying to tell you is they don't fuck around all right You don't have to suffer no more and this is how good these fucking products are off the nature box You go to nature box right now go to joeydeas.net go to nature box Pressing joey, and they'll send you what lee a free box three small ones and one big bag. It was awesome I eat them on the fucking first night. You got to pray they're singing the coco nom's The sriracha fucking cashews. They have they have these corn kernels that are great. Jesus Christ Sunflower seeds tremendous sriracha almonds, right or pistachios pistachios

What's the other ones like they had to the the the lima beans the salt and pepper? Oh, I didn't get those. Oh, shit jimmy two shoes Jimmy two shoes. What are you walking home tonight? Go to nature box right now Pressing joey in the box and get a free Nature's box, but the nature's box box press what joey just go to naturebox.com slash joey Order joeydeas.net and they have a banner and you don't have to press anything in And you don't got to press dick

Okay, and they have it's cool because you get to say do you like crunchy snacks you like sweet Do you like chewy and they send you stuff they think you like and they're all delicious All right, do what we do here. You want to snack something up smarter? You want to be healthy you want to get good fucking snacks stay away from the potato chips, all right Go to nature's box.com slash joey cut this shit cocksuckers. Listen. I'm gonna tell you something. I'm very impressed I'm very impressed with all this shit. We fucking push here. I like it. You get a good deal Me on these is taking me over the top. Listen you motherfuckers go to the underwear fucking draw right now stop Go pick up the top one. I guarantee you got skid marks

You got some dead coming there for some period some period blood whatever fuck you got now How much longer you gonna have that period blood now? You got bites from crabs. You're a disgusting motherfucker How do I know because i'm a disgusting motherfucker too. Look at those underwears How you expect the sling dick when you got skid marks you got yellow swings around your fucking dick Get it together. Go to me on these dot-con. Not only do they make tremendous fucking underwears that feel great They have a special fucking cotton that pulls the fucking moisture pulls the moisture away from you Like I told you last week 12 hour guarantee and nutsack smell fucking dry. You could scratch them. You could sniff them Sniff your fingers. That's what nature that nature bucks. That's what fucking me on these does for you

Plus they sent me some shirts last week. I've been using them like fucking jujitsu Tremendous forget these $30 rash guards. Go to me on these right now All right, why walk around with these ratty fucking underwears? Why you being a disgusting pig? Go to me on these dot-con and check out the pics of all the different styles underwear They got they got shit for girls too. They got little thumbs It presses that fucking clip once you take that fucking thong off that clip looks like a fucking Like a like a like a Like a jujitsu ear fall that shit

Looks like mickey's ear You bite that fucking clip. Anyway, don't get me started Go to me on these dot-con right now for high quality materials and high quality underwear. That's right You asked about the price. I'm glad you asked a fraction of what you're paying for your fucking disgusting underwear right now Do me a favor. All right cut this shit. Go to me on these dot-com Mention joey and get 20 off your first order. That's right. You're like joey. What the fuck 20 off your first order Go to me on these dot-com slash joey right now and I tell you what else you're gonna get free shipping Who takes care you like me? I give you two weeks for fucking uh free and hulu hulu plus

I give you a fucking a deal on dollar shave club. I take care you with honor. Nobody takes care you motherfuckers and snacks I hope you remember me and your wills cocks up who doesn't want clean underwear and snacks So you're sitting there right now. You're thinking about you don't want to smoke dope no more. I don't blame you Go to nail the life dot-com get a fucking vapor pedal take it to a different planet. You understand me They got all different the best vapor pen on the market Is it my brother's dave and fucking peed up there to a nail the life dot-com go on there right now They got t-shirts. They got a bunch of shit, but they got a tremendous vapor pen I guarantee it plus if you go there right now

Well, they press the button so it is and you get 20% off so it's 50 you get the fucking 40 Guaranteed you call dave a week from now and say the bad boom the next day you got to write you got the ups man Knock it on your door with your fucking pen. Who's better? Who's better? That's it. It's wednesday. You're gonna listen to this on wednesday. Let me tell you something next week We're going early again. We're gonna cut the shit out of night for a few days We'll take you back to the psychological abuse. That's called the morning church of what's happening now At least I act on to be eating nettles next monday morning. It's over. We're fucking how's that different from right now

Because you're gonna be high all fucking damn. Yeah, i'm letting you lose this asleep But we waking up at four going to the gym and then coming over here You gotta go to the gym nice and fucking stoned when you wake up later. No, we're going deep on monday morning But listen, this is how it works jimmy. Where you're at? Where your dates? I'm at the uh, I'm at the comic store this weekend friday saturday in the main room and then i'm doing uh I'm gonna be in phoenix at the brook bronson's house of comedy. You open already. Yeah, it's open now. So it's running Yeah, just open up once. He's a good guy. He's a great guy. I like workers. Yeah, I can't work that because i'm a tempeh guy Right. Yeah, I've been a tempeh since danny murr in the wiggins. Oh, yeah

That's why danny murr snapped this shit. Yeah, and you have a podcast, right? Yeah, I do jimmy shuba the jimmy shuba show When do you do it? I do. I'm doing them one thursday. I'm doing like, you know, I've got a couple episodes I talked to the other comics. I had I've had a couple uh, I had this manager on the uh, uh They grew up in the I watched that showed how to kill an Irishman And I had my the billy good does manager christa petter who runs the fucking one on punchline grew up in that era So I was fucking I had him on tellin fucking, you know, danny green stories, which is great That's about my old man calls in and gives me the fucking a couple of the early episodes My old man calls in and tells me about what's going on in the crime scene and filly like

He just calls in just to tell me he's never off the case. You know, he's like a old fucking gum shoe But it's uh, my brother's calling bus ball. So it's kind of cool and I've guessed on so it's it's cool a podcast. Look, you have something to tell people what's going on. I'm happy about your success I'm happy. It's still in the fucking game. I'm happy you're close by cocksucker. How about you? What do you got going on this week? Uh, there's weekend not much but we got the laugh factory on wednesday. I know you're tomorrow night the laugh factory Oh tomorrow fuck eight o'clock. I'm so high. I thought it was next week. No, we're doing the podcast tomorrow night Tomorrow night. We also got the Denver improv this thursday through fucking sunday Go to denver improv.com from thursday night is cheap at you night

They're showing up and giving out free edibles Next week i'm at the joke factory in baltimore jumping up and down with the brothers. That's how we fucking do it At least I yeah, I love you cocksucker. See you next week. Stay black. Be safe. Thank you. Jimmy shoe. Thank you Who loves you more than me? Let's get this party started who Now that the show's over don't forget to go to naturebox.com and sign up to get your free Sampler box of great tasting healthy snacks. It's totally free free shipping that sends it right to your door

Forget the vending machine and start snacking smarter with delicious treats like barbeque kettle kernels Go to nature box.com slash joey. That's nature box.com slash joey or if you go to joey Diaz.net There's also a nature box painter Also, the show is brought to you by me undies.com me undies.com has great underwear for men and women They have shirt socks. They have a lot of great products if you go to me undies.com slash joey You get 20% off of your first order And right now if you live in the united states or canada and I don't know why you wouldn't because of the best You get free shipping shows also sponsored by onit.com use codeword church to get 10% off any of their great products

Like alpha brain new mood shumtech immune shumtech sport Get 10% off and you use codeword church And for the premier the best the only they prepare on the market for all the oil and wax smokers out there Go to nailed it life.com use codeword joey Diaz. No spaces and you can get 20% off Have a great weekend cocksuckers. There you go. Little homies brothers Fuck it up, Lee. Oh shit. Oh shit Oh I've been

I don't know why If that mean woman make me a fool She took all my money That's my new car Oh Now she's with one of my good time buddies. They're drinking in some cross town bar. Sometimes I've been Sometimes I've been Back off the car

Honey, give me a little more Honey, give me a little more Oh Lord, I feel like I'm dying Oh I I Been such a fool

I had to stand by and take a day Oh From myself in sorrow Because I look at what you've done But nothing seems to change the bad times. They're the same I I Lord I feel like I'm dying

I I I Sometimes I feel Sometimes I Like I'm the car Honey, give me a little more I

Lord, I feel like I'm dying I You You