Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #222 | UNCLE JOEY’S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: December 19, 2022

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY’S JOINT.....   It’s Monday, December 19th…   This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com   Go to https://www.onnit.com & Enter PROMO CODE: JOEY, JOINT or CHURCH   This episode is also brought to you by DraftKings & Better Help…   DRAFTKINGS   Support the show by downloading the DraftKings Sportsbook App and using code JOEY. If you or someone you know has a gambling problem, crisis counseling and referral services can be accessed by calling 1-800-GAMBLER (1-800-426-2537) (IL/IN/LA/MI//MD/NJ/TN/PA/WV/WY), 1-800-NEXT STEP (AZ), 1-800-522-4700 (CO/KS/NH), 888-789-7777/visit ccpg.org (CT), 1-800-BETS OFF (IA), 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY), visit OPGR.org (OR), or 1-888-532-3500 (VA).   21+ (18+ NH/WY). Physically present in AZ/CO/CT/IL/IN/IA/KS/LA(select parishes)/MI/NJ/ NY/PA/TN/VA/WV/WY only. Void in ONT. $150 in Free bets: Valid 1 per new customer. Min. $5 deposit. Min $5 pregame moneyline bet. $150 issued as six (6) $25 free bets. Bet must win. Free Bets are non-cashable and cannot be withdrawn. Free bets must be wagered 1x and stake is not included in any returns or winnings. Free Bets expire 7 days (168 hours) after being awarded. Ends 12/31/22. See eligibility & terms at sportsbook.draftkings.com/basketballterms.   BETTER HELP Support the show and get 10% off your first month of online therapy at https://BetterHelp.com/DIAZ   Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media:   https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world   And don’t forget.....   The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON:   https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz   #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #displate #manscaped #bluechew #CBDLion #HeartAndSoil #DraftKings #BetterHelp #stamps    The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media:   https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast   Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.....   https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

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Light that candle, Mike. Let's get this party started. It's fucking Monday. Hey, how you doing? Come on in. Yeah, Joey's in the back. Check one, two. Welcome to Uncle Joey's joint. What up, you bad motherfuckers? It's the pre-Christmas motherfucking week. I hope you motherfuckers are all excited about what's going on. San is coming, the whole thing. Everybody's jumping up and down, but it's fucking Monday, cocksuckers.

And there's nobody better than you. That's it. That's how we start this podcast all in case you're feeling a little low right now today. People, you know, this is the type of week people like, I don't have enough money. I can't buy my grandmother a present. Listen, guys, it works out. I told you a thousand times, it's not about the fucking presents and what you show up with. It's just showing up sometimes with a handshake in your heart. And that's it. Just listen, man, some Christmases are better than others.

Other people walking around wounded because of family passing. You know what? Put them in the back burner. You know, say a prayer for them light a candle and try to have the best fucking holiday you could have. That's it. Guys, it's simple. You can sit around and be a fucking mope over the holidays or some people hate the fucking holidays. I used to be one of those people, but things happen, things change. You meet people, you meet friends, you get a family and all of a sudden Christmas means something completely different and you're out of the goddamn woods.

So don't let it get you down. It's just another motherfucking day. And hey, listen, I was down for about 20 fucking Christmases. I was down for about 30 Christmases. I sat there. I don't have money for presents. I don't have money for Coke. I don't have money here. I don't have a Christmas present for my Coke dealer. What the fuck, you know, what am I going to do? But at the end of the game, did it fucking matter? It doesn't fucking matter. So worry about your health, worry about your family and just say next year.

There's an IOU next year. And listen, if you need to sleep all Christmas Day, that's great too, man. If it works for you, just try to have one, you know, if you could find one fucking positive thing, like maybe somebody's going to make a turkey or something like that. You like turkey? I don't know. But I remember like a Thanksgiving I had that I had nobody around. No car, no fucking money. I had enough money for a Boston Market turkey.

I had like two drinks. I had like a bottle of beer or something and a thing of soda. And I'll never forget like that morning I started up really down on myself. Like, what the fuck, man? And by the afternoon I got my white meat, I got my mashed potatoes. You dope them up with a little stick of butter and shit. And the Thanksgiving wasn't that bad. It was just a solo Thanksgiving.

And you just find, listen, I got two joints on Christmas. Could be worse. I could be in the county jail with no joints, eating a fucking dead salami sandwich. So, and trust me, I've been there too. It's not fucking fun. And that's what you focus on. For me this year, listen, I'm happy I don't have any gigs this week. Like I have to run around and shit.

I got enough shit to do just walking into a store. I have such a hard time just walking into a store, guys. I know a lot of you guys like, but Joey, no, no. I tried last week. I went to CVS to try to get some fucking... That's how my Christmas shopping started. I went to CVS to try to get Christmas cards. And there was nothing. There was like nothing.

I got like one card from my daughter. Everybody else had bogus fucking cards. So I got a little down. You know, when you go to the first stop and they got nothing for you, you're like, Jesus Christ. I usually go to like four stores tops. And I go in and out. I know exactly what I want to fucking get.

I got a couple of gifts left. I got to go run this week, but I'm not killing myself. I wrote, like I said, two weekends in a row. Uncle Joey, as keen as I say I am, I said, let me go out on a fucking Saturday and see what I could find. Yesterday, there was a line. There was a right turn I had to make. There was a line in that right turn.

I would have been in that line. No, no fucking lie. I would have been in that line for 25 minutes. Just waiting to make a right. If I would have committed to that road, I saw where the line was. So I kept going. I'm like, I'm fucking dead today.

And then there was a line by my Costco on route nine. That motherfucker led all the way up to Mars between people getting, I don't know what all these people getting gas. What the fuck are you going? There was a line just to get gas. That was, you know, and then route 18 North. They were sticking out. Like the cars were out.

And I looked and I saw fucking red lights all the way up and I go, well, I guess I'm not going to go to New Brunswick Mall. Maybe East Brunswick, see what they had there. Go to Barnes and Nobles. I like the little Barnes and Nobles and fucking whatever that fucking mall is. New Brunswick. And I was going to go there and I go out. That was my shopping.

So I went to a health food store and I'm like, maybe I'll buy some people health food products and shit. So I ordered some honest stuff for people and that's it. That's, you know, you do the best you can. Guys, you do the best you can. Some people love to go Christmas shopping. They really do. There's some people that started Christmas shopping in September.

That's what they do. There's some people who love to go to fucking weddings. There's a friend of mine. I talk to all the time. I ask her about her kids. They're at a wedding. How many fucking people do they know that's getting married? I mean, what the fuck?

They went to a marriage, went to a wedding. Saturday, the 17th of December. Who the fuck gets married on the 17th of December? Like, do you need the tax break? I mean, who the fuck gets married on that date? So, you know, me, I'm not a shopper, guys. I go in. I even hate to try on clothes.

Like before I go close shopping, I'll go upstairs and see what size my Levi's are. And I'll run right in there and get that same fucking size. That's how lazy I am. I don't try them on. I just want to be in and out, guys. I was never a shopper. That's why I don't have anything. I don't, I don't, I fucking hate going into places, especially this time of the year.

You ever go into a place with money and nobody takes care of you? You ever go into a place like, all right, I got my $500 limit down on the Visa fucking express card. You know, whatever the fuck. You know, you have those first little limits and you get it up to like 420 and then you work it down to like 50. And you're like, all right, I'm going out to buy a shirt for Saturday night. Remember when we used to buy a shirt for Saturday night? Like I haven't bought a shirt for Saturday night in 30 fucking years. Remember that when you like, I'm going to go buy a shirt for Saturday night.

I'm going to a club and shit. I haven't bought a shirt. I don't give a fuck about a shirt for Saturday night and over 30 goddamn years. I just remembered that I, that was where my hatred came. I fucking see it comes out when you talk therapy pays. God suck it. Just talking about shit. That was where it came from.

I don't know. But anyway, the holiday seasons is here and you're going to make the best of them. I'm going to make guys. I'm looking forward to the holidays this year. I'm looking forward to the show on the 28th. I'm looking forward to putting something together for New Year's. I don't know what like I just want to put something together for New Year's. I went to eat with one of my jujitsu teachers.

Yeah. This restaurant we were talking to guys like, if you want to stop in and do 10 minutes on New Year's Eve, because we have a DJ. I'm like, I can't just stop in and do calm the other, but no, nothing like that. I just want to do something like, you know, I don't know. I'm not going to drink. I'm not going to drive. Yeah.

I have some fun. Maybe do a block party with the snow. I don't know. But anyway, this week we're going to talk about resolutions because the fucking the time is coming and something happened this weekend. I didn't know exactly what had happened. I just saw some stuff on Saturday and then I saw some stuff yesterday and I saw some stuff this morning.

But last night I read a few emails from people going, what do I think about Tom Segura going off on his podcast? Did you see that Mike? Tom Segura went off on his podcast about people. I don't know. Well, it's not even jealousy. You know, and it's about insecurity. It's a very big insecurity and I had that insecurity for years and that's what made me a thief.

And in turn, it made me hate certain people. You know, when people have things you don't have, it makes you look at them a certain way. Either you look at them with, you know, I don't even know what the word is. You look at them and you're proud for them, maybe happy or you look at them and you say, why does that guy have that? And I don't have that. Okay.

You know, Tom did a video. There was a segment of his two bears, one cave where he's like, when he ever gets a watch or a car, people reach out to him and say, you make me feel bad or whatever, jealousy or whatever he was talking about. And he made some great points. He made a point that he talked about your mental state, like what, you know, what your mental state is. And he's, Doug, a lot of people are going to find that like the people, the two people

reached out to me, actually reached out to me for me to like, insert a negative comment. I had a look at it and think about it before I even brought it here because it's the thing that we all have. When I was a fucking kid, I fucking hated most people who had shit I didn't have. I hated most people that had parents that were successful and were able to pass on things to their children. You always look at those kids as weak or whatever, but it's not that it's in jealousy that you have.

You say they're going to be weak or they're spoiled. Yeah, the fuck that they give you guys, it doesn't fucking matter. What matters is you and how you do it. You know, I talked about veneerity a day on the podcast, my dear friend that owns the funeral parlor and we were kids with veneeries and as I got older, I got what Anthony, you know how many nights they went out to a restaurant or a bar and got a steak and a couple beers and I didn't have the $20 to get a fucking steak or the $30 to get a steak. I didn't have the money to get a beer.

In fact, all my friends did that. And as I got older, yes, I got little jobs, bartending jobs, whatever. But when I would go on those things, one dinner and my check for the week would be over with a dinner, a gram of coke and a few cocktails. You're fucking done. You're done. So the rest of the nights when you go out with them and they're doing things you can't afford to do.

Yes, there's insecurity. Yes, you feel fucking shitty. Yes, like you're like, fuck that dude. He could have bought me a gram of coke. No, people aren't in business to buy you shit and people aren't in business to worry about your feelings. Always remember that. You know, when I moved to New Jersey towards the end of the church, it was very overwhelming.

It was very overwhelming and we'll pick it back up. I'll tell you when it really started in my life. I got away from that. Like, listen, the mindset that Tom is talking about is that one day you go, you know what? You know, I don't have that. So instead of hating the fucking person or hating his parents or whatever you hate on, go guess what? I'm going to make a mental note.

That's what I want. He said you were thinking like a loser. Yes, that's what I want. That's what I want. And I got to figure out a way to get it. You know, when I was a kid, somebody said to me, what do you want in your life? What's your biggest goal? And I was like, I want to, you know, when I was on coke and shit, I want to test the

Rosa, one of those fucking cars with the wings and shit. And the guy's like, cut it out and put it on your wall and look at it every day. You know what that did for me? Nothing. That made me even more out of touch because what I needed to put on the wall was the picture of the test to Rosa and how I was going to attain it. What steps I needed to do to attain it. You got to stay in more.

You can't eat out every night. You know, you got to go to work 80 hours a week, even to the littlest fucking note. Like, you know, how am I going to attain this fucking $300,000 car? At least that's what it was when I was looking at it. You know, so again, when I used to hang out with the, you know, Colorado, I met guys that were well, you know, I made fucking an hourly wage. I was a mother. I had no high school diploma.

What do you have? You don't have no high school diploma, but then you want somebody to give you a fucking $30,000 car. It don't work that way. I wish it did. We all wish it did. Right. But it don't work that way.

So when I would be in those Boulder, when I moved to Boulder, you know, I mean fucking once I hung out with the Boulder that I would go to lunch with them and then have a fucking Audi and they were three years younger than me. And I'm like, uh, I got to ride my bike to meet you for lunch. I mean, while they have a fucking Audi and whatever that dad cosigned it, but they still had to make the fucking payments on it. So before you go raising your hand, you know how bad that makes you feel? Cause I tell you, there's nothing worse to me.

There's no worse feeling than being in your twenties. If you can make it out of your fucking twenties to your 30, I swear to God, if you can make it out of your 20 to your 30, you're going to go a long way. Most people don't even make it. Amy Winehouse didn't make it. Jimi Hendrix didn't make it out of this fucking place. A lot of motherfuckers that were coming out of the gate that successful didn't make it. It's a lot.

It's a lot of fucking pressure to put on. So when I'm not saying nothing negative, I'm just saying like it's tough to make it out of your thirties twenties. It's fucking tough. I used to have a bit that when I was just sitting there was talking to somebody and they were like, I don't know what to do. I'm 28. This had to be two years ago in LA years ago.

And from the conversation, I wrote a bit because I'm like, you know, in your twenties, it's a fucking while. And I didn't write the bit like at home that night as I was telling talking advice back and forth. I'm like, hey man, you know, being in your twenties sucks. It sucks for more reason than one. You get beat up. You get abused.

You got nothing. You fucking get dumped by girls. You think that if you have a car, girls are going to fuck you. That's not going to happen either. You can have a fucking magic carpet. If you're ugly, you're fucking ugly. If you got no personality, you got no personality. That's me.

All right. I don't give a fuck if you got a magic carpet with a fucking Indian guide in the fucking way. It's not going to work out for you. So, but that's the shit we think in our fucking twenties. It's the dumbest thing I got. Listen, I go for hours about the stupid shit I did in my twenties and what I thought and what I expected and how I thought it was going to just get given to me.

Like I really thought it was going to get given to me. I'm not lying to you guys. And then when it wasn't given to me, I started taking it. I started taking it. You don't think that was a problem. That's a few. That was an insecurity that I had growing up. And then I got to LA and then you get in cars with comics.

You know, you just did a seven minute open mic and you get in a comics car who's got fucking bat wings and machine gun turrets and you know, and you're like, well, someday I'm going to have this. How do you think I felt when I moved to LA and my best friend was Doug Stanhope and he had the world by the balls and I was one of his flunkies. I'd walk into a place with him and people go, who's this fucking guy? What do you think the insecurity you build then? And then you're like, you know what?

Stanhope is my brother. He's my main man. I don't want nothing from him. I just wanted him to show me the ropes. Now I got to go get my own ropes. I could have sat with Stanhope. You ever see like a comic or a musician or somebody famous and he's always got eight guys with him, the same eight guys.

Yeah. Some of them are there to help them and they really care for them for those guys are there to see what the fuck they could get. So those are all, you know, shit that happens to you when you're young. Then I moved to LA and like I said, you know, you have all these, you're around, you're in a room with Chris Rock. I didn't think I felt the first time Chris Rock was in a room and I'm at the comedy store.

He's got something. He's got what I want. He's got what I want. So do I fucking hate him? Do I kiss his ass? No. I watch his set. I watch what he's doing that I'm not doing and I pay attention to him.

Oh, he's in LA for two weeks working on his fucking Oscar set. Well, let me fucking follow all his sets and see what he does differently than I'm not doing. That's completely different than me sitting there hating. And then there's another flip side to that in LA. And then, you know, you get into the comedy store and there's a bunch of guys. I was talking to somebody the other day and they were telling me they're focusing on something.

Their big focus was this thing and they were trying to expand their business. And thank you, bro. They were trying to expand their business and they did it. But the business wasn't working. It just wasn't working out at the time, you know, so they had to close it up. And I said to him, your business in this field is so high, like it's great. Now you're dead. It's like, okay, let me give you an example.

It's like having a jujitsu school in a small market, being the first Brazilian in fucking Indiana. Okay. And opening up a store could jujitsu school in downtown Indianapolis. There was maybe another martial arts store. Maybe there was a jujitsu place. And since you're Brazilian, you blossom. You have a great kids program.

You blossom. You're doing better than you ever fucking thought you're doing. You anticipated a hundred students. You got a hundred kids and 300 fucking students in there every fucking night. And you got a higher, uh, you know, other instructors and strength and fitness guys. You want to make this the complete jujitsu martial arts fucking place. But then one day you got a wild bug up your ass. You said, you know what?

I met a girl in fucking New Jersey. So I'm going to move to New Jersey and open up a school up there. Now you come up here and you got the gray seas. You got garden state. You got fucking, you know, you got a lot of, you got the silver Fox. You got all these great jujitsu schools, Gracie guard with Gracie long branch. And you want to plant your flag in the middle of this. And it's a little slow for you.

So you start hiring marketing firms and blah, blah, blah. And this guy and this guy and influences. And you just dumped on a thousand dollars and it's not working. You, you didn't fail. You just made a bad decision. You took your game into a market that you were going to struggle in. It was oversaturated. Now you're going to go up there.

Why did you even do that? I understand you had a thing. There was other ways to do it, but listen, we learned from our failures. So who gives a fuck? Now you go back and, but he still has that school in Kentucky that is blossoming. So he has lost nothing. He tried, he failed and he's lost nothing, but it is frustrating. But you have to think about what you got.

You know how many times at the comedy store? I mean, guys, it got to the point where it was embarrassing. How many comics would say come up and, you know, I knew them from the road. You know, when I got to the store, 97, 98, 99, 2000, I was meeting feature acts. I'm a fucking, I was a medium mediocre feature act. And I would meet other feature acts that I met on the road and they come in and go, you're getting a spot. You have a spot tonight.

I'm like, yeah, fucking 1245. I wish I had a fucking spot. You know, I wonder who's asked you how to kiss. I wonder if you had a sleep with Mitzy and all those little remarks they weigh on you. I know he was goofing around, but no, he's not. That's the shit people say when they got three or four cocktails on them and the truth is coming out of them. You know, who'd you up to sleep with? You had to eat Mitzy's pussy.

Whatever the fuck stupid shit they say, you know, is the talent coordinator gay. Did you sleep? But there's always a fucking excuse. And these guys would be up there every fucking night complaining, complaining. And then they would be, I forget what the list was. Then they got put on. There was, so I'm dealing with a handful of those guys. I'm also dealing with a handful of people that have been put on.

Mitzy passed them, but then they did something. And Mitzy stopped giving them sets. So now they go up there and they put themselves on the fallout list. Oh my God. And that, so now I'm dealing with the guys that don't get spots because they're not regulars. That's one thing. And now I'm dealing with the guys that are regulars, but aren't getting spots and they're fucking putting the whammy on me. So now you're feeling guilty for not, you know, I got to feel guilty.

Yeah. For having a fucking spot for doing my job. That's what I guess what Tom is trying to say. Like in, in fucking short form. Like you're mad at Tom. Yeah. Do you know the amount of weakness that Tom is working? The Berkreicher, Kevin Hart, there's guys that I look at and I have the utmost respect for them.

And I say to myself, I can never do that. I can never do what Kevin Hart's doing. Even if you put me in arenas magically overnight, the, the work output that Kevin Hart puts out is it's, it's, uh, I fucking don't know what to say. You know, instead of Kevin Hart crying, instead of Kevin Hart, Kevin Hart could talk a lot of shit. Black lives matter a lot. No, he's going to be a fucking billionaire. I don't know if you've seen any of his interviews.

Kevin Hart knows exactly what the fuck he wants to do. He wants to be a fucking billionaire. Tom Segura, like the first black millionaire or something like that. He wants to own a team. He knows what the fuck he wants to do. Nobody gave him shit. Nobody gave him shit. When I see fucking Kevin Hart driving a fucking helicopter, do you think I sit there and go, oh, you know, Kevin?

No. I'm like, that motherfucker works hard. Number two, Tom Segura, go look at this anywhere tour. He's going to Mars. That motherfucker's doing Mars, Saturn, Venus. He's doing something with Elon Musk. He's going everywhere. Yes, he makes great money, but nobody's giving it to him guys.

He's earning it. Bert Kreischer, he's going to die. I love Bert. He's going to drink that Thanos till he fucking, you know, he's out there. He earns every dollar he could get. Why are you jealous at all these guys for what they're doing? All these guys. I give them, Tom Papa works constantly, fucking two kids just like me, one kid.

And I complain about having one fucking kid. So, you know, these guys earn their fucking keep. I'll never forget one of the worst feelings of my life. And I'll tell you guys what it was. One of the best things that ever happened to me was getting the longest yard. You know, it was a dream movie for me. I like Reynolds. I like Adam Sandler.

You know, I wanted to get the movie. I shot the movie. The movie did great in the box office. I was very proud of myself, people. I did great for being a fucking criminal standup comic. Guys, about two weeks, about six months after the movie came out, I had hate. I had hate. I had fucking Adam Sandler showing me a letter to the comedian.

Had written him, telling him that I wasn't really Italian. I want you to think about that, guys. Telling Adam Sandler, when you hired him for Big Tony, did you know his name is? I don't even know what my name is in the movie. You have to look up when I have Anthony Graziano or something like that. Guys, that's what they wrote. The first fucking paragraph was about me not being Italian. How bad of a day are you having?

Did you not see James Kahn was Jewish? He was the godfather. Anthony Garcia was Cuban. He was the godfather of fucking nine, whatever the fucking disaster it was. You know, what do you think? Everybody's fucking really Chinese or anything? You know, but that was his opening. Now, I knew who the comic was.

I didn't call him up at home and bitch. Adam called me into the office. He's like, look, read this shit. And I'm like, wow, this is, you know, and it hurts for about two minutes. I'm not going to tell you it doesn't hurt. You, you've shared stages with this person. You've shared rides with him. You've had discussions with him.

And this is the letter you write to Adam fucking Sandler. Hold on one second. And now for words, my mother fucking sponsored better out. What's happened? You savages this episode is sponsored by better help. Listen, if life came with a user manual, things wouldn't be easy for everybody, but it doesn't. So when it's not working for you, it's normal to feel stuck. I felt stuck for years.

That's why I chose betterhelp.com. Listen, therapy is important. I always looked at therapy as, ah, but once I got in it and I saw the advantages, I feel great now. Therapists are trained to help you learn productive coping skills. And that's what I needed to learn how to cope with a lot of stuff. BetterHelp is online therapy that offers video, phone and chat therapy sessions. You could choose not to see anybody on camera or you could see everybody as the world's largest therapy service. BetterHelp has matched 3 million people with professionally licensed and vetted therapists available 100% online.

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On BetterHelp.com when you enter code Diaz, D-I-A-Z. Again, I'm going to give you the 10% off your first month. BetterHelp is affordable. You'll have a therapist quicker than an in-person therapist and it works. So do me a favor. BetterHelp, B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P.com slash Joey. Thank you for visiting The Joint and thank you for using BetterHelp. We're back.

So yeah, this motherfucker writes a letter to Adam Sandler and then the second part of it was, I don't know if you know this, Mr. Sandler, but Joey Coco Diaz is a well-known drug dealer and he also went to prison. What's that got to do? When you look at it, yes, I made a mistake. You know, I sold drugs, I had a good time, I didn't deny it, but at the same time, what's that got to do? I auditioned like everybody else for this fucking movie. It wasn't given to me, nobody picked my name out of a fucking hat. I auditioned for this fair and fucking square and I think he auditioned for it.

That was his anger that he had auditioned for this role and you know, that wasn't even it. Then people were like, hey, you know, it's lucky for you to say you and Adam Sandler movie. Remember, Adam Sandler came out in 2005, I quit doing coke in 2007. I always remember hitting like kind of a mental rock bottom when I had to do heroin and shit. I'm not a whiner, but I'm going to tell you, part of my fucking pain those days was feeling bad that I had done well. I had a dear, dear, dear friend of mine at the time who was one of my first friends when I moved to LA, pulled me aside one day and just called me out for a thousand things that I had done that at the end of the day didn't matter. Today we're best friends, we don't even discuss it anymore.

But she called me out for like, well, that time you had the gig, you didn't give it to me like, oh shit, that it was like. And I'm like, think about what you're saying. You're saying that when they called me for fucking the longest yard of Spider-Man 2, I should have given you a name. Like it was shit like that. You don't know how many times I've walked into an audition and have told the casting director, listen, I'm happy that you called me in here. I'm very proud that you called me in here. But before anything, I'm not right for this role. This is a role for Rudy Moreno.

This is a role for Willie Barcento. This is a role for, I've done that a thousand times because I used to go to a thousand auditions for fucking Mexican roles. And I'd walk in there and go, listen, and they'd even go, oh, what the fuck? And I go, I know the guy you're looking for is Guzman or Rudy Moreno. I gave Rudy Moreno like two roles, you know, but from just going in there, it doesn't matter. What I'm trying to say is that people would call me up and like fucking, you know, how did you get the Adam Sandler movie? How come I can't be in the Adam Sandler movie? And I hurt my fucking feelings.

These people are my friends. I fucking do comedy with them or whatever. So I had to change my mind, you know, at that time I was like, fuck it. I can't talk to these people no more. They're not going to go out of their way to bring me the fuck down. On this podcast, on the joint and the church and Beauty and the Beast, I've never discussed money. I don't discuss elaborate vacations, maybe because I don't go on them. You know, I don't discuss millionaire type shit because I'm not a fucking millionaire.

There's a ton of millionaires out there. I worked hard for a few years. My wife put some money away because she's an accountant. We got the house. We got the cars. We leased like everybody else. We make fucking monthly payments like everybody else. You know, do I have a fucking security for my retirement?

Yeah, I got a stag pension. I got fucking social security. If it, you know, if the Russians don't take that, I got a lot of shit that, you know, it's not, I might not fucking happen. I got my wife got me an annuity plan. Whatever the fuck you call them a 401k, whatever the fuck like everybody else has. But that didn't give me the right to buy a fucking Maserati. I think the reason why I acted like I did was because I remember how I felt when people spoke about shit.

Even a simple thing like listen, when I go, the only thing I ever put on Instagram or whatever is when I go eat a nice dinner. I want you guys to know it's a great fucking place and I'll take pictures of King's Chinese restaurant. I take pictures of fucking, you know, any place really. Yeah, sometimes you go to cousins. Sometimes you go to the Osteria when Lee comes to town and we'll get the shrimp and shit like that. But if you guys notice, that's my only, I drive a Subaru. We're very modest in this home. I'm not looking to compete with the Joneses.

I've never been in business to compete with the Joneses. That'll fucking take you down quicker than anything. That's a fucking insecurity thing too. Well, I got to run with her. My sister's married to, you know, women do it all the time. They're sisters. My husband has this. Now that they go into a fucking war, the wife is talking to her husband.

All that shit is fucking insecurity, man. And it just fucks with your head. It doesn't take you anywhere. The mindset Tom was talking about was really looking at your life and going, what do I need to do to have that? You know, if there was a few podcasts in the beginning when Joe was doing those, the ones from his home when I went off on Susquehanna. The one when I went off about the girl giving blow jobs at the comedy store, you know, all those days of podcasting. I once got an email from somebody and they were like, Joey, we like you. We think you're funny, but your anger, you know, climbs over.

2010, 2009, I had a certain anger going to me. It wasn't an anger. What was me? It wasn't that anger at all. It wasn't an anger that nobody never gives me nothing. It was an anger of reality. It sounded negative. I came across with it, but it was very positive.

You know, my wife and I were talking about last week about a lot of guys that are my age that lived in LA that had shitty apartments and that had given their whole life to this career and got a little bit of success. But now at this age, now they were in trouble. You know, now you don't have any children, no grandchildren, no money put away, no wife, no nothing. You know, you gave your whole life for this. I gave my life for comedy, but I would have never let that happen to me. I never wanted to end up. I made a lot of sacrifices and everything, but I didn't want to dedicate everything. I don't even know how to say this.

I didn't want to end up like what, you know, being a 60 year old comic in LA, still doing open mics, still telling people. Mitzi saw me one time and she almost made me irregular. You know, I don't want to be one of those guys. I never wanted to be one of those guys. So to not be one of those people, your mindset has to change. And it's like, what do I need to do to have this shit? I was angry. I was never angry at Joe Rogan.

I knew how hard he worked and he had taught me. I learned that that was the ethic. You know, when I first met Joe, fuck, if somebody was paying me 25 grand to shoot an episode on TV and I had a spot at the store for $15. I'm not going to a fucking store. You know, I'm not going to work all day to go to the store. Joe is the opposite. Joe would go to the store for that $15. So I understood the level of commitment that was needed right from Joe, right?

I'm hanging out with him in the beginning, like you do that. Like if I went to a TV shooting all day and I knew they were going to give me $28,000, $25,000. I'm getting in my car. I'm going to drug dealers house. I am not going to waste my time and go to some fucking comedy store and try to be a fucking comedian. That's not going to happen. But Joe did. So when you look at Joe for all the things he has, you know, when Joe wanted to be a host of the UFC, he didn't put an application in and fight.

No, he called Dana and asked him, hey, can I come be a host for free or whatever the fuck you call him? A host commentator and for six months, he probably did it for free. He paid his own plane ticket on Friday night and he'd go to Vegas in the daytime, work out and then go to those fucking fights at night and call him. When I first met him, that's what he'd do. I'd ask him, would he get the store tomorrow night? No, I got to go to Vegas for the UFC. You want to come? No, I didn't know what the UFC was.

I didn't, you know, but that's the mindset. That's the mindset. So when 2009, I had the mindset that, you know what, I didn't get nowhere. My wife is going to marry me. I'm very lucky. I want to have a new life. I kind of went away from comedy and then we were doing podcasts and Joe talked me into doing a podcast from how well I was doing on his. He's like, Doug, you got to start a podcast.

You got to start a podcast. And I always knew if I got a chance to tell my story, it would have evened out the playing field with comedy. Guys, look, I don't believe that I'm a good comic. I can make people laugh, but I'm not a great, great comic. There's a lot of great, great fucking comics out there. I was on my way. I was working very hard. That was the inspiration I had from losing that shitty mindset that Tom's talking about and Burt were talking about to committing to a higher mindset.

Like I still remember in 2011, you know, I was getting all these $100 a day movies. My phone was ringing with them. My phone was ringing with them. And something happened one night. I was watching something and one of my movies was on like an old movie I had done or something. Oh, it was one of those holiday movies with Dean Cain, which will be on this week. But I won't get paid for them. I don't get residuals on those.

The producers fucking flipped the country. They moved down to the same place where the guy from FTX was. So I'll never forget going on work doing all these fucking movies. Even the dog holiday Disney movies were $100 a day. I hope you guys know that. The first one I did with Dean Cain was $100 a day. And I didn't watch that one. The dog that saved Christmas, I fucking rocked in that one for $100 a day.

And they came back at me for $100 a day, but a little bit of a back end. And I started rocking on those. But to make a long story short, I got the fucking, I was getting all these $100 a day movies. And then this guy called me up to do a fucking $100 a day series. I'm like, what? And he's like, yeah, it's a mafia family that lives in a fucking funeral parlor. And guys, I need the money. I need the insurance.

So I was ready to do it. I said, I was watching TV and there's that fucking thing with Dean Cain. Dean Cain, who played fucking Superman. Dean Cain, who spent his life in this, his father was a fucking director, his stepfather. Dean Cain knows a lot about shooting fucking movies and stuff and acting and whatnot. And here I am doing these things with Dean Cain. I'm getting labs and I looked at it and I go, fuck that thing for $100. The next morning I woke up and I went against anything I believed in, anything I believed in.

I said, you know what, bro? I'm not doing it for $100. As a matter of fact, I'm not doing sag low budgets no more. That's it. I'm not doing them. I deserve to be in that other movie. I deserve to be in two categories up and within two fucking months. And I probably said no to three or four more than all day movies.

And within two months I got a call on a Friday that I was going in for a Sylvester Stallone movie and the movie was fucking grudge match. Listen, I didn't get an Academy Award for that. Nobody saw that movie. Kevin Hart, DeNiro, whatever. But by me holding out, look what I did get. That's the mindset. It's little things like that. It's not fucking whining.

Not whining about what everybody else has and not worrying about it. And it's very hard to say. You're like, Joey, I know. When I first got to LA, 97 to 99, I'm not going to lie. I got upset when somebody would get something. That dude just followed me. He couldn't even fucking do a joke. You know, and they're getting more stuff than you are.

And you walk around angry. And then one day you go, you know what? I do a lot better focusing on me than what I would do on focusing on him or him. And once you start focusing on him or them, boom, there you fucking go because your focus is on you. So don't focus on whatever cars Tom is buying or what watch he talks about or what helicopter he takes or Joe Rogan. These guys sacrifice tons. Think of your life if you couldn't go to a wedding on a Saturday. And as a matter of fact, you don't want to go to a wedding.

You're on a fucking roll. Next time you get mad at Tom or Joe Rogan or any of these guys for having stuff that you wish you had or you wanted, don't get mad at them. Get mad and go, this is what I need to do to get those things, to have those fucking things. You know, resolutions are fucking coming. What do you think? I'm not banging my head for what resolutions I want to do. I want to read more. I want to read two books a month.

I want to lose fucking weight. You know, I want to figure out what I want to do with my life at fucking 60. You know, what I want to do with my life at 60. So it's fucking rough, guys, but don't blame your fucking what you're not doing on the world. The bluebird of happiness is not going to fucking help you. You know, all these people that we expect to fucking help us in our life are not going to help you. It's all put on you. For years I walked around frustrated in Hollywood, frustrated.

Nobody's helping me. Nobody's doing this. When did I start rocking and rolling when I took matters into my own hands? When I started getting breakdowns and making my own fucking videotapes. Hiring a guy. Do you think I had 50 bucks to hire a guy to do a fucking audition tape for you? No. But you want it?

You'll figure out how I won't snorkele that night, Joey. How about that? Don't snorkele and shoot the fucking audition video. Once I started taking it into my own realms and into my own hands, I started fucking doing things. You know, I wanted my career to expand. Did I fucking sit there? Did I write better jokes? No, I wrote better jokes, but I became a storyteller.

I'm a natural storyteller. Why was I going against it? And then when I did the podcast, I told stories and told stories of my life to let you fucking know that this wasn't no cakewalk to it. Nobody just gives you shit. And yeah, some people have a better journey than others. I had a rough journey. And I'll tell you what, I enjoyed every moment along the way from eating the fucking 2,000

netables to fucking, you know, sleeping in a bus to go on the road. It's all part of the gig. But jealousy in security is not. So if you want to go on a fucking better gig in 2023, this is the way to do it. Right? Your fucking goals. Journal. Don't be jealous of other people.

Be fucking happy for other people. And look at it this way. That's what I started doing. Don't take it hold it against me, but just go like this. If that fucking idiot could do that, think about what the fuck you could do. You call that guy an idiot all the time, right? When you talk to your wife, you're like that. My fucking brother-in-law is a retard.

Yeah, since he's such a fucking idiot. Right? That's what I always do. If that guy is such a fucking idiot, and he got $8 million for shining shoes, what could you fucking do with your life? That's how I look at it. It's helped me a thousand fucking percent better. So I don't know.

It's a Monday morning motivation, motherfuckers. It's December 19th. We got 11 days, maybe 12 days left in this motherfucker. And then we have a second chance of not being insecure. We have a second chance of not having to sleep in a basement or on a mattress or with a sheet. You know why? Because you're a fucking American, and that's what that means. God didn't make you get born in fucking Africa with flies on you.

Or, you know, in whatever the fuck, San Donistaville, so you could walk up to the border and Abbot put you on a bus to New York and shit like that. You know? God gave you a great opportunity. Why did he give you? You ever think about that? Like, I could have been born in fucking Yugoslavia. I'd be getting hit with a missile right now from the fucking Ukrainians or whatever the

fuck. How come I wasn't born in Ukraine right now, and I'm fucking, you know, carrying some dead teacher to the hospital, whatever the fuck they're doing over there now. Think about it, and think about if you really want to, I think I'm going to go see Rainbow next week with Cheap Trick, and then you wonder why nothing's happening for you. This, these are all the things, guys. Get up in the morning, look at that fucking flag and go, somebody is sucking my dick today. I'm getting tired of living this way.

I mean, I did it. You get tired of living in a fucking one bedroom with nine fucking cats. You know, I got sick and fucking tired of it. And I couldn't keep putting it on my wife. I couldn't keep putting it on. Well, the scripts aren't coming in fast enough. Well, that means you got to double it fucking up, and get the fuck out there. I love your motherfuckers with all my heart.

Don't forget Laughing Gas is in New Jersey now. Stoner's Club, use code Uncle Joey for 10% off lifetime. And don't forget tonight, we got a great Monday night fucking football on. You got Green Bay against the Rams in Green Bay. Fucking my man needs to win. And that's it. And that's that I ain't got nothing else for you motherfuckers. We're going to be here again on Thursday.

And I don't know what we're doing for the holidays. We might just shut this motherfucker down and leave this on your own and try to come up with a new fucking scam for 2023. Besides that, I love you motherfuckers with all my heart. Thank you for watching today. I hope I didn't offend nobody with this podcast, but it's true. You know, stop fucking looking at that guy like he's somewhere, somebody better than you. They all put their pants on one leg at a time. If Tom could do it, you could fucking do it.

If I could do it, you could fucking do it. I'm a real fucking retard. I love you. Stay black. Have a great holiday week. And now for a word from my motherfucking sponsor, Jack. All right, I want to thank you motherfuckers for listening today. Don't forget, if you're stuck, things aren't going your way lately and you want to talk to somebody, it's better help. If life came with a user manual, things would be easy for everybody, but it doesn't.

So navigating the career change, a relationship, becoming a parent. Listen, that takes you into uncertainty. And that's when anxiety and other things start to pop up. Therapists are trained to help you learn productive coping skills, which makes therapy the closest thing you'll get to. A user manual. I love it. I didn't know where to turn. I don't like therapy often, you know, whatever.

But when I moved, I was going through some things and I contacted BetterHelp and Dana helped me out. BetterHelp is online therapy that offers video phone and chat therapy sessions, or you could choose not to talk to anybody. As the world's largest therapy service, BetterHelp has matched 3 million people with professionally licensed and better therapists. Available 100% online. Plus it's affordable. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to match with the therapist. If things aren't clicking and you could easily switch to a new therapist. So it starts with you.

Life could be simpler. No waiting rooms, no traffic. Learn more and save 10% off your first month with BetterHelp.com slash Diaz. Again, that's BetterHelp.com slash Diaz. The joint is also brought to you by DraftKings. NBA season is upon us and you're fucking around. Let's get the party started, especially Maryland. I want to welcome you to the DraftKings world.

You got nowhere else to go. It's CrabCakes, Uncle Joey and DraftKings. But tonight, you've got a tremendous NFL game and DraftKings is the official sports betting partner of the NFL. So let's get it started. You got Green Bay giving seven to the Rams. There's a trick there. There's some over and under totals tonight. Plus you got NBA action.

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Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app and to Coach Joey and let's fucking light the board on fire today. I want to thank better help. I want to thank DraftKings, but I also want to thank you fucking animals. You know, I love you. Stay black and I'll see you Wednesday, the 22nd Tip Top Magoo. You