Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #223 | UNCLE JOEY’S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: December 22, 2022

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY’S JOINT.....   It’s Thursday, December 22nd…   HAPPY HOLIDAYS!    This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com   Go to https://www.onnit.com & Enter PROMO CODE: JOEY, JOINT or CHURCH   This episode is also brought to you by DraftKings & Rocket Money…   DRAFTKINGS   Support the show by downloading the DraftKings Sportsbook App and using code JOEY. If you or someone you know has a gambling problem, crisis counseling and referral services can be accessed by calling 1-800-GAMBLER (1-800-426-2537) (IL/IN/LA/MI//MD/NJ/TN/PA/WV/WY), 1-800-NEXT STEP (AZ), 1-800-522-4700 (CO/KS/NH), 888-789-7777/visit ccpg.org (CT), 1-800-BETS OFF (IA), 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY), visit OPGR.org (OR), or 1-888-532-3500 (VA).   21+ (18+ NH/WY). Physically present in AZ/CO/CT/IL/IN/IA/KS/LA(select parishes)/MI/NJ/ NY/PA/TN/VA/WV/WY only. Void in ONT. $150 in Free bets: Valid 1 per new customer. Min. $5 deposit. Min $5 pregame moneyline bet. $150 issued as six (6) $25 free bets. Bet must win. Free Bets are non-cashable and cannot be withdrawn. Free bets must be wagered 1x and stake is not included in any returns or winnings. Free Bets expire 7 days (168 hours) after being awarded. Ends 12/31/22. See eligibility & terms at sportsbook.draftkings.com/basketballterms.     ROCKET MONEY Go to https://RocketMoney.com/Joey     Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media:   https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world   And don’t forget.....   The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON:   https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz   #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #displate #manscaped #bluechew #CBDLion #HeartAndSoil #DraftKings #BetterHelp #stamps #RocketMoney   The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media:   https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast   Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.....   https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

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What up, you bad motherfuckers? It's Thursday the 23rd, and I know before you say something, Joey, what the fuck is the year gone? It's like, that's it. That's it. We were talking about this shit in October, how fast it fucking went. Two fucking days. Look, it's Thursday. Tomorrow is Friday.

You're going to be running around those last, you know, stressing yourself out. And then Saturday, it's going to be fucking freezing. Freezing this week. I love it. Nobody's doing dick on Saturday. There's like four football games where the weather's going to be under 10 degrees. 10 degrees. Kansas City.

This is a freeze over the next two weeks. So dress warm, cock suckers. That's it, man. That's it. We fucking did another goddamn year. How many Christmases we fucking do on this podcast? Now 13, 14 fucking Christmases. It was a great fucking year.

I got to tell you something. This was one of my best years in a long time. And if you, you know, you, whatever, I don't know how people judge their years, you know, or judge their time. Everybody's different. You know, when I was younger, it was another month. I didn't get arrested. You know, like, you fucking another month.

I fucking did code. You know, you just move up, you know, and this year was really, uh, I was looking forward to this year for more reasons than when I was fucking. When this year started, uh, January, I was still a little fucking off kilter. I was confused. I didn't know what I wanted to do, you know, and, uh, I was struggling, man. I was struggling mentally a lot and I'm not ashamed to say that. That's the problem with today's world.

There was a shame to talk about their shortcomings. It just wasn't fucking clicking for me. I had signed up with better help. I was talking to Dana every week and then we cut it down to twice a week. I was doing, uh, it was like, I had to peel an artichoke to figure out what my next fucking move was. You know, I was telling Mike, listen, man, I knew comedy, my comedy career was changing when I got the knee surgery. When I came home from the knee surgery and after the knee healed up and stuff.

And I mean, it's been two years now, but I got to be as honest as I can with you. I'm not the same. I don't trust this fucking leg. I don't trust it. I've already had a bunch of little, little things. I can't imagine what a little thing happening on the road. You step wrong, you know, in our business, there's a lot of stages and there's a lot of steps and there's a lot of darkness.

You know what I'm saying? You know, when you're fucking getting on stage, they, if you're in like a high level, Led Zeppelin band on Irvana, yeah, there's six guys with flashlights showing you where you're going. I'm just a fucking bum comedian. There's nobody there with a flashlight. You know, so I was just concerned, you know, so ever since I got the fucking knee thing, I was always after the pandemic, I was always like mentally shot. When I got off the plane here, I was shot.

And then that one year, whatever I was withdrawing, I was shot. I was damaged goods. And then I just made an effort to get better. Like, how am I going to get better? I got to, you know, fucking work out. I got to be around people. Then I got COVID. See, I started the new year perfect because I had COVID and now that last of the fear had gone away.

You know, we were some, and listen, some people, COVID came for some people. Some people jumped up and fucking down for days for others. Some people to fear. And for me, it was just, they caught me early, you know, I was vulnerable. I was fucking weak and they caught me. And this is what happens as long as you know it. But January was crucial for me. I started the year just doing the podcast with Mike.

The book was handed in. And I felt good about all that stuff. But it was still the question of what I was going to do. So I had to sit down and start from fucking scratch. And then, you know, I was thinking about doing comedy in the summer. Like, it's so weird how you, for me, I always let life dictate my, what I'm doing. Like, I was thinking about doing comedy in the summer, thinking about it. And then I got to call from Bert.

Well, no, I got to call from Tom and he wanted me to stop by NJ pack and see him in Newark. And I went down to my friend Sean, coach, and I fucking ended up going up on stage. And it was exhilarating. I mean, it was like getting, it was like fucking, you know, somebody putting horse radish in your asshole. Your whole body is like wasabi. You ever get wasabi and it just fucking overwhelms you with a big piece of wasabi. You didn't know how much you put up there. That's what it was like.

I was overwhelmed. So I didn't know how the feelings I was getting were like happiness, but it's like anything else. I broke my toe in jujitsu last week. I didn't tell you guys, yeah, I got a broken fucking toe. And it's funny how I didn't even know it was broken. So I came home and took a shower and then afterward I was like that night I was like, man, my foot feels weird. And like a day later, I took it off to put, I was like, what the fuck's going on in my foot? And my toe is black.

I thought the fungus had gone into it. I'm like, I'm dead. But I didn't feel it. And then, yeah, Friday night it hurt. And then Saturday went away. But I saw it and I put a little bengue. I had my wife pull it out because the toe, it's Louie. It's the second one over the big toe.

You have the big toe. Then you have that Louie, that one that sometimes it's bigger than the big toe. Just by a little, little fucking pussy here, it's a little bigger. So I had Louie. I broke Louie. Louie was like this. He was bent in my foot. So my foot was out, but Louie was bent like this.

So my wife had to pick Louie up and then she pulled it out and then she realized Louie was just fucking dangling. So we put like Scott's tape around it with like fucking like a little duct tape, not duct tape, you know, the training tape. I put a little bit of CBD lion tape. I fucking had to cut it and it's gone. But my point is I didn't know I broke it till I got home because I was fired up at Jujitsu. Your adrenaline's gone. So you don't know until you come down that there's a fucking problem there, you know. So I didn't know how to gauge it and then they caught me off balance.

You know, they called Bert to put me on a fucking tour and that blew my fucking mind. Then Rogan called me and I was like overwhelmed. And next thing you know, I'm in front of 5,000 people, Atlantic City. For the last two years, I've been doing 140 people at Uncle Vinnie's and now I'm in front of 5,000 fucking people. I was blown away, but that weekend also let me know I didn't want to be in a hotel Saturday. Like that was fucking brutal for me. Like that was just I was not used to that at all. My Saturdays are free.

I'm outside watching kids playing softball, jumping up and down, barbecue and whatever. Now I'm inside for fucking June 4th. That was brutal. So that was how to deal with that. Like I don't know if I could be in a hotel all fucking day Saturday. And then I did the Bert tour and I love Bert. Bert took care of his Bert's a fucking star. It just didn't work for me.

It wasn't who I was anymore. I didn't feel like staying up till 3.30 in the morning talking to people like it just wasn't, you know, for me. I took the residency this summer to make up for the shows I canceled Uncle Vinnie's. I want to be a man of my word. I did the shows and I booked the New York shows to lift me a little bit. You know, sometimes I don't do this often and I don't want you guys to do it often. I don't recommend it. But every once in a while just to lift, just to light a fire in your ass.

You got to play big. You know, it's like my daughter plays in, you know, eight to ten or some shit. She could move to a different division, but we wanted to play with better people around her. And she would be not as talented as the other players. So we played her for the 10 year olds. So when she was nine, she was really playing a 10 year old league with 10 year olds, bigger girls. And she didn't do as well, but she learned the game a lot better. Sometimes you have to do that to fucking see what you're about, you know.

I was watching, what's that movie with Marky Warburg where he takes over, it's like Judas Priest, the guy's gay, Rockstar. Rockstar is a great movie. Marky Warburg and Jennifer Aston, Addison did a great job. But even a situation like that where you're a cover singer in a band. You're just a cover singer in a band. A band that does weddings, you know, bar mitzvahs. They do a bar from time to time.

So maybe 250 is what they're used to playing for. And then one day you got a call, fucking, you're the Chinese guy from Journey. You sound just like Steven, whatever his name is, Perry, right? His name is Steven Perry, the singer from Journey, whatever. And you get the call, you know, now you're not performing in front of 250 people no more. You're performing fucking 20,000 people a fucking night. You're not ready. You're not people like, uh, you're not ready.

You're not ready, but you are ready. See what I'm saying? You aren't ready, but you are ready. You just don't fucking know it. And yeah, you might eat a bag of dicks the first night. Who doesn't? Even Marky Warburg ate a bag of dicks in the movie. Memby fell off the stage and he cut his eye and shit like that.

He didn't know what a fuck he was. It's a different. But when you get there, you'll adjust quickly. Like you'll fucking adjust. Like I even noticed with me, Hollis gave me the blue belt. I didn't feel like a blue belt. I still don't feel like a fucking blue belt, but it up my game. I had noticed some improvements since I've gotten the belt because now I'm lifting you up.

You know, when I was a comic, I would never try the headline. It was just not good. Uncle Joey, the headline. I was a very good feature. But even when I was at my top of featuring all those years for Rogan, I stayed away from headlining. I just stayed. I never felt ready for it. And I was okay with that.

There's some comics that they do two spots and I'm a headliner. Okay. You know, find out for yourself what the fuck you are. I'm not a fucking headliner after two spots. So I was a great feature, but I didn't like fucking headlining. I didn't know I was a headliner. Guess what? I started calling clubs and they're like, we're booking you as a headline.

I'm like, that's fucking 800 hours more if you're on the basic plan. And I would go, I don't want a fucking headline. And they go, why not, Joey? You know, headline. Okay. And I'd expect to never get hired again. And then after the weekend, I talked to the guy and he'd go, Joey, you did a great job. Considering what you were telling me on the phone, you did a great fucking job.

You know, you may not feel like a headliner, but you're playing above your head now. And I remember like the headline, you got to have 45 minutes. I would have like 38. So you got to stretch. You got to sing a song somewhere in the middle. You got to tap dance. You got to hope somebody gets drunk. You got to hope somebody pukes.

You know, I wasn't, I still remember going to Jacksonville, Florida in 1998. Talk about not being ready. I had gotten to LA. I had, I was at the store. I had met some fucking comics and Jimmy Schubert was one of my great friends. We're still our great friends. I love Jimmy. Hopefully I'll see him next week when he's in Philly.

Jimmy called me one night, like on a fucking Monday night. He's like, Hey man, I'm gonna, I got a big problem. I just booked a movie and I got to work tomorrow. And, but I started a week in Jacksonville for creative entertainment. And I was like, he goes, you want a couple of week? He goes, I already talked to him. They said, if you could do it, you could get on there. He goes, there's a red eye tonight or there's a 6am tomorrow morning that'll get you there.

And I was like, fuck it. I'll book the fucking red eye. I'll book the morning one. That was when cheap tickets was big then. There was a company called cheap tickets, $200 and under that was there. And a lot of you guys don't remember this company. It was the original. They would guarantee you, you know, one day, $2 a flight on any flight.

They would get you a flight for $200. So I fucking took the flight down to Jacksonville, Florida. I'd never been there. I was just, I expected just to go to like Miami. I thought Jacksonville was like Miami. And, but I was excited to go to Jacksonville because it's home alone. It's getting in all those motherfuckers up there. So I'm like, I'll walk down there and walk around the streets.

I got to the hotel the first night. Oh my God. When I went to headline that night, it was a fucking disaster. I went back to my room. I cried a little bit. I went over my material. I went back Wednesday night and I bombed even harder than Tuesday night. And that was the schedule for the rest of the fucking week.

I just kept bombing and bombing and bombing. I would get them for 25 minutes. I would get them for 20 minutes and then bomb for 25. I would get them for 20. It was just not good. I even went and talked to the manager and asked them if they wanted me to leave. You know, I was like, do you want me to leave? The guy's like, I'm having a good time watching.

You just bombing. He goes, I'm just dying, dying of watching you bombing. I'm like, that's not that fucking encouraging, you know, but that weekend left me fucking mummified. Like I went on the plane. I cried because I didn't, I took the word was going to get out. Joey Diaz just stunk it up in Jacksonville. You know, like the word got out.

Don't ever had lined them again. No, they called like two weeks later, creative entertainment, who I had done the week for at the time and said, you have, you got a great reference. Do you want to do more work for some like, sure. Okay. It was great. Okay.

But my point is that that weekend gave me more knowledge than like, I still remember it. I'm talking to you guys about 19 a weekend. A week. A week. This is when comedy was comedy. This is when comedy was Tuesday through Sunday with three shows on Saturday, seven, nine and midnight.

They were not fucking around these days. And here I am bombing after one after the other as a headline. I was like, fuck that. But jumping up to that opened up the door and then I became a headliner in time. I thought that you became a headliner overnight. Like you just walked into a fucking box and you became a headliner, but that's not the case. And then as I progressed over the years, like by 2004, I started going to these,

you know, I started getting booked as a headliner and then I had to fill the fucking gap. But I never felt comfortable as a headliner till maybe 2011, 2012. You know, even my first week as a headliner after the podcast, I did Columbus and I ate a bag of shit that week. A lot of people won't talk to you this way. A lot of comedians are going, no, I killed because I used it as it was always learning. It was always a journey. Anything you do in this life is going to be a fucking journey.

But we always try to speed it up. Whether you have a band, whether you're a comic, whether you want to be a fighter, whether you want to be whatever you want to do, we always try to fucking speed it up. We can't wait to get there. For me, it was something different. I had a feeling I could get there, but I wanted to take my fucking time because I knew there's a really popular story on Instagram going around right now. It's Robert De Niro.

I don't know if you guys have seen it. It's like a black and white little thing. It's just a motivational shit. And he's talking about when you get there. Because when you feel that you're at that place where you want to be, relax. Don't do anything. Relax. Calm down and start thinking about your next moves.

If you see this motivational thing, you'll die. But he hits it right on the fucking head because that's what a lot of us don't do. Once we start getting just a little bit of success, naturally, we fucking want to spread the word. We want to get out there. We start getting cocky. And that's everybody. Me, you, that's all of us. We all get fucking cocky at times.

If we start finding success in anything that we're doing, whether it's car sales. When I was selling 15 cars a month, you don't think I was a little fucking out of my mind? Because this guy is selling three cars and you're selling 15 like a fucking savage out there. And they're like, what are you doing differently? I'm talking to people. But it's always a journey. I was always in a rush to be a fucking, we're all in a rush to get rich. We're always in a rush to get rich.

But it's a fucking journey if you're going to get rich. And you got to fucking plan it out. I want to be rich. What do you mean you want to be rich? I want to have, let's break this down. Millions, billions, gazillions. What do you want to have? You want to have fucking Rockefeller money?

No, I just want to be able to eat a cheeseburger. I don't know. At least you know. At least you narrowed it to fuck down, you know? So these are all the things I fucking think about this time of the year. Like, I think about resolutions. Like what? I was starting to tell you guys the other day, like what things can I do better in 2023?

I like to improve the podcast. I like to get it more, you know, give you more options. I like to read more. I want to lose 75 pounds. I want to, and that dreads me because if I lose 75 pounds, if you think my head is big now, wait till you see me then. A guy like me loses 75 pounds. He's all head.

I'm like a fucking male that went tranny for a female. You can do everything you can. You get the titties. You get the nuts cut off. You get your toenails done, your fingernails done. But you still got that big fucking man head. You're done motherfucking. Your balance is going to be all, you're going to start falling around like a fucking, you

know, Weebles wobbles and they don't fall down those motherfuckers. So, you know, I'm looking forward to losing weight, but the size of the fucking head, you know, I've dropped like eight pounds on this diet already. It's not even a diet. I'm just fucking working out and doing stupid weight watches, which I love. What I weight watches, I'd be fucking dead right now, but I want to read more. I want to write a little more. Not comedy.

Anything. Anything. I've been sweet. Yeah. Anything. I don't want to write comedy no more. I just want to get rich. I want to get finished with this book from A to Z.

I want to get finished with the fucking audio book and I've written down like eight ideas I have for book for stories just to put out like just stupid shit that I've always wanted to explore. You know, somebody was telling me that they didn't like the new Sylvester Stallone movie, the new Sylvester Stallone, uh, the show. Have you seen it? Dosa King? Yeah.

Dominic Lambert. Yeah. Dominic Lambert. I've seen three episodes. I think you got to have Apple TV or Paramount TV to have it. You got to buy and I'm already, we'll talk about, you know, I'm already part of fucking 20,000 different packages, you know, right? You got Hulu, you got fucking this one, you got that one, everything you got to buy a package

for. So I'm like, I'll back off with Paramount. We still got to get Apple TV. Yeah. So it came on like three weeks ago. Fucking. It came on one night. I was at the gym and some guys were like, excuse me, if you see the Sylvester Stallone movie,

the Sylvester Stallone TV show and all three of these guys like, ah, it was kind of disappointing. We didn't like it. Fucking. He's entertaining though, but you know, we don't really like it, but okay. You know, I didn't, I don't care. I'm not a big, you know, it came on one Sunday night. It usually comes on Paramount on Sunday night's late, like 1130 or something. So it came on.

The first one came on. I watched it. I'm a Sylvester Stallone fan. So it was entertaining. I enjoyed it, but no, and I liked it. Like, I'm like, this is okay. You know, then I watched the second episode and again, it was okay. It's not going to win a fucking Emmy or whatever like that, but I will tell you what I like about it.

They took a chance. They took a chance for the last 20 years. I've been going to mob auditions, mob fucking TV show auditions, mob pitches. You know, people always calling me, Hey man, can you pitch this character with me at the pit? Okay. Mob pitches, mob TV shows. It was endless. I was surrounded by that shit in LA, especially when I first got there.

Cause the Sopranos had blown up like in 99, 2000. So as soon as I got there, I was struggling as an actor, but then Soprano shit started popping up. And thank God I look like one of the guys and they took me in. So the last 10 years I've been going to different pitches and I thought about one specifically in 2013. Right before I shot grudge match. And this guy at a funeral parlor, you know, this is about a funeral parlor and they were a mafia family. And they had had this funeral parlor for 30 years. I don't remember all the particulars, but in other words, it was the same old song and dance.

It's Gino, Nicky, Louis, meatballs, Tony, hernia, you know, it was the same fucking characters. And I remember when he was reading the pitch, if you've ever been to a pitch meeting and you don't know what happens in a pitch meeting, it's like three people to produce to the writer and then one of the actors and you go over what you want for this. I wasn't the lead. The lead was some fucking dude. I never saw him before, never heard of him before. Anyway, and he's pitching and at the end of the pitch, the people said, it sounds like a great idea for a script. It's not something we're interested in.

And then he goes, you know, I love because I love this genre. But after the sopranos, this genre has been beat up. Dave, Dave, you know, Dave, you know, and even the last couple of years, the many saints, Irishmen, we don't know what it really did because Netflix never gave you the numbers. But people that I talked to don't like the Irishman. And I'm like, I thought it was OK. Again, it was entertaining for me. I like the hero. I like Joe Pesci.

I wanted to watch Sebastian. But the problem was all these fucking movies sounded the same. Angelo, Johnny, boy, this, that. What I like about Sylvester Stallone is he did exactly what one of the writers in the sopranos is on that. I can't think of his name right now. Great guy. Great fucking writer. You got Taylor Sheridan on there.

The guy that was the sheriff on Sons of Anarchy. He went out to become this big Hollywood icon. I remember John Burnt always talking about him. And what they did was, I don't know if you watched this show. He gets out of jail after 25 years. I've always liked that idea. The idea of you not being in touch with the world and then coming out and rediscovering, exploring the world. It's always been a fascination of mine.

All that shit. Him going to New York and then telling them, listen, it's 2023. You know, Draft Kings has taken all our fucking gambling action. You know, fuck. And that goes 50% of the vague. The lottery takes our numbers. You know, I can't compete with $2 billion. They've locked up the fucking, you know, the ports.

You know, it's not as mobby as it used to be. You know, the mafia has lost 60% of their fucking bread and butter. You know, you still got loan sharking and all that shit. But, you know, they're few and far between. When they show you a mob movie now, you know, you see these guys driving Mercedes and show, it's not the same. First of all, if there's a mob family, they're probably down to 20 fucking guys. And if you think that they just deal like for years when you watch all these mobster movies, we just deal with other Italians. Well, there's not Italians left.

They're on jail or it's tough to make a fucking dime here. So they're gonna have to, they're gonna have to be doing business with the brothers, with the Albanians, with the fucking Russians, with the, you know, the Cubans for bookmaking. You have to grow as a mob family. That's what you have to do today. They don't want to show you that in these new movies. That's why they're all boring. So Vesta Stallone show takes you there. Like he gets to Oklahoma, he gets out of a cat boys, he go a weed store, right?

And he fucking shakes them down. And then he fucking, who's the cab driver? A black dude. And he hires the dude to become his driver. Okay, I like every facet of it, except the daughter hasn't talked to him in 20 years. Why is it always got to be the daughter, the missing daughter? They got to put it out there. You know, so all that aside, I fucking love the show.

He's hanging out with Gentiles. He's doing business with brothers. You know, he's got a chick that's in the FBI that he talks to, whatever the fuck she is. That's a good show for me. It's tough to sell. I like that's why they used fucking Stallone. Because anybody else, like a medium range actor is not going to sell that show. They're not going to jump on board, especially people from this area.

Like entirely always dealing. He's doing business with a Puerto Rican. But that's if you know anything about the mob today. If you Wikipedia, the Genevieve's crime family, I don't know. One of those crime families, Lucchese, one of those, because I was reading this about a year ago. They were in jail. And in jail, they teamed up with the brothers, whatever black gang there is in there to sell cell phones. And then when the guy got out of jail, they were parting up with the brothers to sell cell phones.

Why have you not heard about that on a TV show? They don't talk about that shit. If you're going to make a show, make it fucking realistic. That's all I ask. But I enjoy that fucking show for that reason, because it's not the same. You know, he's in love with Maria. You know, he's Goubad. You know, it just keeps going and going.

And you're like, we're all looking for a fucking change. So 2023, this is what used to, for some people right now, for the last two weeks, people have been thinking about Christmas and what they're going to get grandma and, you know, what they're going to get their girlfriend or who they're going to get engaged to. I've been thinking about next year and I've been pushing it on Patreon, you know, on anything I do. I'm like, I'm really focused on 2023. And unless you're fucking crazy, you know, interest rates went down right before fucking New Year's Eve. So you got to buy a house before my god here, Trish was here, who sold me the house. And I said to her, your phone's ringing and she's like, fuck yeah, it's been ringing. And she goes, I just had surgery.

So it's busy. But I think next year's going to be a little fucking rough for a lot of people. You're seeing the writing on the wall. This, you know, when you go Christmas shopping this week, I was looking at, you know, this is the shit I look at. A lot of people are using their cards, man. You got to pay for that shit. Well, a lot of people use them every year. But I think this year between the food and the fucking, my neighbor told me the other day she had a baking cost to her $1,100 this year.

For the same shit she spends $650, $700, $1,100 to bake between the eggs, this, that. They're fucking, they're not running a fucking charity out there at all. They used to compare to now for years. I've been saying they're not running a charity out there. But now looking back the last 10 years they have been running a charity compared to what's out there now. I want to read a little more. I want to be a better dad. I want to be a better husband.

You always got to put those down because we always strive for, you know, your house to be peaceful. I got a great house, guys. I'm not talking about the house or the size or the bathroom. I got a great home. It's peaceful. There's no yelling. There's no drugs in this fucking house. There's no alcohol.

My wife is working again. I mean, it took us two years just to really get the law of the land, to lay out of the land, how to fucking make it happen here. But she's working. My daughter's doing fucking great. I could be doing a little better. Like I wish, you know, listen, I'm an action type of guy. Like if you know anything about me, I like jumping up and down. But like I was telling you before, I can't anymore.

I wish I could. I wish I could. I wish I could. You know, I was thinking about Andy Huggins. He's somebody sent me a message. If I put him on the podcast, Andy Huggins is a great fucking guy. I've known Andy for many years in Houston. We're not tight, but whenever I was in Houston, I had conversations with him at the laptop or at the last spot years ago.

Andy Huggins is 72 years old. You've never heard him. He does cruise ships. But he's 72 and he's my idol because he's doing it how I would do it. He just shot a special. It's on sale. It's on sale somewhere. You got to see this guy and he gets up on stage once a week or twice a week.

What I heard about Andy, like I just heard recently about him, but I knew I always see he's on Instagram or Facebook taking pictures of different comedy clubs in Houston or one night. There's a place called run years, Rudgers. That was great. It was like Monday night, Tuesday nights or something. That's the guy. Listen, I've come to a point in my life where I'm not going to get on planes. I'm telling you right now, I'm not getting on fucking planes. I just not the fucking mood for it.

I look to see what the plane tickets were like from February. My wife keeps torturing me about what are you going to do for your 60th birthday? I don't want to do anything. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to do anything. I want to get some chicken collards with some mashed potatoes and some cream corn with jalapenos in it. When the jalapenos, it's like, oh my God, that's good shit. That's what I'm in the mood to do.

But I looked at the plane tickets for Aspen. Just one more Haran Aspen. You know, am I going to ski? I don't think so. I'll get my daughter in ski school. Yeah, I'll tube down one day, you know. February is a great month because it's slow humidity. So the sun comes out and they do that bikini skiing and it's just a great time of the year to go.

And I want to celebrate my 60th birthday. Again, I'm not cheap, but I'm not paying. It was guys, they want $14 to sit in the back of the plane. I'm not fucking cheap, but I'm not paying $14 to get tortured. You know, it's going to be late. You know, we're going to sit on the fucking tarmac for 15 minutes. You know, there's going to be all this shit. So it's like, fuck you.

I'm not going to pay that money to celebrate myself. I don't even know what the fuck we're talking about. Yeah, no, no, I do want to go to fucking Aspen, but I'm not paying that type of money for my birthday. I don't think birthdays are fucking overrated anyway. After you're 21, go fuck yourself. I don't want to come to your stupid fucking birthday party. I'll go if it's a special whatever. But for me, I first of all, I'm not the type of guy to throw myself a birthday party.

That would be a little fucking shitty. Like I'm not throwing myself a 60th. Me with a scarf on like fucking thirst and how the third and shit. I'm not doing that shit at all. And I really don't like fucking parties. I really don't. For me to be at a birthday party is the most embarrassing thing at the world for me. For somebody to walk up with a cake, happy.

When I'm in a restaurant and somebody brings a firecracker to somebody's table and all the wait staff come up. I'm like, God damn, that's not good. I don't want that to be me. Fuck you. Yeah, I don't want none of that shit. But I'll tell you what, guys. You know, write your goals down. What the fuck do you want to happen?

I don't want anything to happen in 2023. I want to keep doing the podcast. I think we're going to go to the podcast once a week. We might start doing something with Vic on Wednesdays. So I'll be a little better to add to this. Vic is in our own right now. We talked about it the other night. Just doing the joint on Sunday, the Monday motivation.

You know, I love Monday motivation. Even for me, I just like talking shit just to get my dick hard. It reminds me not to be fucking lazy. But I'm going to do that through the podcast on Sundays. So you guys have something on Mondays. I already know what I want to do. I'm meeting Mike from El Nido tonight. I'm going to meet Mikey from El Nido and maybe get a rent to space.

That's what I think we really need. We need a fucking house, you know, rent to space. I'm going to do something for DraftKings on Thursday nights, where I just cover the week, you know, like Thursday night football, prime time football on Thursday night, give you the lineups for Friday, Saturday, Sunday, just for myself, just to fuck around. Over the last year, I love messing around with fucking DraftKings.

I really do. It's not gambling for me. Because gambling is when you put your life on the line to fucking bet that. Like there's a big difference between me betting $200 on a Tuesday night that I don't have. I don't have that $200. But for me to bet $200 on something I don't have for money that I think I need to, you know, like I was gambling as a child, as a young man, which I was a fucking child and mature. I was gambling because I thought I was going to make money.

I thought I was going to actually make $30,000 a year. Like they're just running a charity over there. You can just put bets in and they pay you on Thursday. That's not the way it works. That's why I don't even call it gambling no more. It's just fun. It should be fun. It shouldn't be like if you see a Sunday game and some guys is holding his head like a fucking statue,

that guy's not having fun. I don't want that at all. That's not why I work for DraftKings. I think it's fun. For me, it's just fun. You think you're knowledgeable about something. Do you know how many nights I bet $10? $10.

DraftKings has these boxes at night. So like tonight you got to like maybe four or five basketball games. You could bet them straight, but then they have little boxes like Jamaran to score 40 points and to have two steals. Another player on the team to have nine rebounds and them to win by MoneyLine. Not even cover the spread or anything like that. Those things are fucking tremendous. I'll bet them fucking three nights, ten bucks on. Let's say I like last night fucking Milwaukee played Brooklyn.

I'm just throwing this out there. No, no, Golden State played in Brooklyn last night. Golden State doesn't have their main guy and fucking Brooklyn is, you know, hit or miss. The Knicks are one-seventh of their last game, so they look fucking good. I think they played last night. But you don't like both games. Like you're like, I could see Brooklyn winning and I could see fucking whatever winning. So what are you going to do?

Bet 20 bucks on each one and sit there? No. What you do is you just go to those boxes and go, I kind of like them. So I just bet that it's 10 bucks to win like 91 some days. But if you take a beating, you don't lose $91. You just lose 10 fucking bucks. And then there's another box where the star of that team will score 28. Luca will get 15 rebounds, a bird or shit on the fucking flag, and then they win.

And you put 10 bucks on that and it's fucking fun for me just to check the score. Maybe if a game is on, I'll watch it for three or four fucking minutes. It's nonsense. I don't worry it is gambling. I worry it is having fun. There's some nights, I don't do shit, but there's some days where last week the UFC, I watched two fights. I watched the last two fights. I didn't bet it.

You know, it's just fun. I don't even know what the fuck we're talking about. Entertainment. That's all it is. That's what people get confused. A lot of people hit me up and go, Joey, I can't believe you're promoting gambling. No, gambling is if I give you the number to a bookmaker who has a loan sharking fucking thing and then you get in trouble with him. You can't get in trouble with DraftKings or any of the other ones because it's all a credit card or fucking, not even ATM card.

You have to have the money to do it or PayPal. Like right now they're running a special. We deposit 50 bucks with PayPal. You get a $10 bet for free. You know, it's just fucking fun, man. And that said, I'm looking forward to 2023. I don't know. I'm going to finish up my two shows at the Sony Hall.

And then I got to do the audio book, which is going to take a lot of my fucking time guys. So I don't want to book anything around that. And then March, maybe beginning of April, I'm going to have to start doing a couple more podcasts and go down to Austin. See Joe Rogan. I like to get there, you know, in January, maybe see Joe and do a quick podcast just to stay alive. The book comes out on April 23rd. And then, I don't know, I was thinking of maybe doing a monthly residency, switching it up. Maybe doing one in New Jersey.

I've been in New York for the last seven months. I haven't played in Jersey since the beginning of September. So I wanted to give Jersey a breather. So I'll come over to the Red Bank. Red Bank has two great little theaters. They got the Count Basie, the big theater, which seats 1500. And they have the little one on the side. So that's a thought I might have.

And I'm just going to keep it simple. Be a dad. I'm 60. I'll be 60 in less than a month and a half. Why put myself over my head? If I want to do comedy that bad, I'm in the greatest fucking city in the world. So that's it. I came to a conclusion.

I built this up. Nothing happens by chance, guys. I know a lot of you guys think that luck, there's a lot of luck involved, but nothing happens by chance. We all put hard work in and, you know, you bet a fruits of it, man, little by little. It's a journey. It's not going to happen overnight. If you're looking at 2023 to be like your bust out here, I agree with you. It's going to be your bust out here.

But if it's not your bust out here, remember it's a journey. It's not a fuck. It's a marathon. It's not a sprint. You got this. And that's it, man. It's going to be a great year. I am so happy that I put the work in this year.

You know, listen, man, I lost a bunch of money by getting off the road. What's that expression? You win the war, but you lose the battle. You know, I lost the war, but I won the battle because I won that little, you know, I was stressed out about money. My, my, what am I going to do this that it wasn't about money. It's about you being happy and you being able to be productive and you being able to fucking do the things that you want to do. And for years, I kept telling the agents, guys, this isn't working for me anymore. This isn't working for me anymore.

It's not that comedy wasn't working. It was the way I was doing it that wasn't working. It was fucking backwards and it was starting to bother me. All that shit I had when I got off the plane, I moved here was a ton of fucking confusion. I was just totally fucking confused. And guess what? I stuck to my guns, you know, as hard as it was. I got rid of my agent LA.

I stayed with the same agent, only one with a different guy in New York and I stuck to my guns. I was scared. There was a lot of fear, but guess what? I did it. And now I know I could do this for eternity. I took a chance. It took me two years to get this down, to figure out a life without having to go on the road, only when I wanted to, on my fucking terms.

And that's what I'm doing. I'm living life on my terms. I took it down to my terms. Always figure your life out and stick to your fucking guns, even if it's making you lose money in a different area. Who gives a fuck? You're going for you. You're going for your dream.

Listen, I always enjoyed doing it, but enough. I didn't want to get on planes anymore. I didn't want to deal with these people no more. I was sick and tired of just doing things I didn't want to do anymore. But most importantly, I was sick and tired of selling my future. It's fucking rough to have plans and then to realize you have something to do. It worked for the longest time, but it didn't work anymore. So I'm happy I made the adjustment.

And you got to work for everything you get in this life. You catch a break from time to time, you will, but you're not going to catch that break if you're not putting the fucking time in. So I hope you guys have a great holiday. Laughing gas has still got weed to help you out. Remember, we got stoner club delivered in Jersey. And if you're in LA, just stop at the ice cream shop. I mean, listen, this laughing gas is everywhere in California now.

And people really digging it. We keep smoking it. And that's it. It's going to be a great holiday. I hope you guys get everything you want for Christmas. But the most important gift you get is clarity for 2023 to do whatever the fuck you want next year. I love you motherfuckers. Mike and I were discussing it.

We don't know what we're doing next week. We'll be back New Year's week, but we ain't working New Year's Day. So you might not get the podcast until Tuesday that week. So it'll be a slow week the next couple of weeks until we figure things out. But have a great holiday with your family. And we love you. I love you. Stay black and we'll see you motherfuckers next week.

Tip Top Magoo. And now for a word from my motherfucking sponsor, Jack. All right, you bad motherfuckers. I want to thank you and wish you guys a Merry Christmas again. But remember, Rocket Money, I fucking love Rocket Money. You think you spend about 80 a month, maybe 90 on subscriptions, but it's actual more like 200. You could be wasting hundreds of dollars each month on subscriptions. You didn't even know you had it.

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I want to thank DraftKings. I want to thank Rocket Money. I want to thank BetterHelp. And I want to thank you guys for being savages and always having my back. I love you cocksuckers. Stay black, have a great holiday, and I'll see you next weekend, Tip Top Magoo.