Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #224 | UNCLE JOEY’S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: January 3, 2023

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY’S JOINT.....   It’s Tuesday, January 3, 2023…   HAPPY NEW YEAR!    This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! Go to https://www.onnit.com & Enter PROMO CODE: JOEY, JOINT or CHURCH   This episode is also brought to you by Mint Mobile, Better Help & The Freeze Pipe…   THE FREEZE PIPE Support the show and get 10% off with the code JOEY at https://TheFreezepipe.com   MINT MOBILE Get the best deal on a phone at https://mintmobile.com/JOEY   BETTER HELP Support the show and get 10% off your first month of online therapy at https://BetterHelp.com/DIAZ   Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media:   https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world4   And don’t forget.....   The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON:   https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz   #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #displate #manscaped #bluechew #CBDLion #HeartAndSoil #DraftKings #BetterHelp #stamps    The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media:   https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast   Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.....   https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

This podcast is brought to you by Onit. Go to Onit.com and look at the great selection of supplements. If you find something you like, press in Code Joey and get 10% off delivered right to your house. What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? It's Tuesday, the 3rd of January, the joint wants to introduce Mint Mobile. Listen, why are you still paying insane amounts of money every month for your phone bill? Why? Right now, when you switch to Mint Mobile, you'll get an unlimited plan for 50% off.

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I'm going to cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month with MintMobile.com slash Joey. Offer ends January 15th, so get on it. The joint is also brought to you by FreezePipe. Listen, I had a good time this holiday season with FreezePipe. They sent me the 2023 version. Holy shit. Set the motherfucking herb man free. It's time to invest in yourself and get the best tools for the job.

FreezePipe is here to make sure you got the best tools to get your high all the way to 2028. That's how we're rolling. Just freeze it back and rip that motherfucker. The smoke passes through the frozen part, cooling down the smoke as you inhale. Like I said, I had a fucking jingle ball of a time with FreezePipe. It didn't snow, but it snowed in my lungs with FreezePipe. It cools down the smoke by hundreds of degrees. Now, the FreezePipe is even better because they've updated their bunks.

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The joint is also brought to you by, that's it, you motherfuckers. Let's kick this motherfucker off on a Tuesday morning. Check, one, two. Welcome to Uncle Joey's joint. What's happening you bad motherfuckers? 2023 is upon us. Yeyo free and 2023. You know what I'm saying? Stress free and 2023.

It was a great little break. I missed you motherfuckers with all my heart, but I also needed to take a break with the family. It's a holiday season. I didn't want to focus on this shit and what the fuck is going on in the world. So Christmas was great. I went over to the tree, you know, did all simple shit like that. Went into New York City, saw a rat.

That's always great on fucking Christmas. That means you got a great fucking... On the night day of Christmas, I saw a fucking rat. Went over, saw the tree. That was great with the girls. Went over with some friends at Econos. And then Christmas Eve, it was a quiet Christmas, guys. We went across the street, had some nice fucking Italian food,

some lobster fried Diablo. She made the best tough fucking clams I've ever had in my goddamn life. I was home by 11. The gifts were great. It was just a very quiet, you know, break. I mean, you sit there, you're expecting all this shit to happen. Then New Year's came. And the week before New Year's, I talked to 20,000 people.

And I asked them all the same question. What the fuck are you doing for New Year's? Do you know I only... Out of all the people I spoke to, there was one couple. Trish Florentine, a lady who sold me the house that was going out to dinner at 6 o'clock. And I spoke to her husband. Yes, the game Sunday. And he was telling me they were home by 7.30 and in bed by 9.

This had to be the lamest fucking New Year's. I mean, listen, guys, I'm a lame dude. It's not like I'm going to go out and jump up and down and eat kway ludes. Those days are a long fucking gun. But at the same time, I wanted to, you know, I stayed up past one. I watched the honeymoon of Marathon till 6 a.m. I fucking smoked dope. I ate those silly mushrooms.

I was fucked up. I was on New Year's Eve that I only ate 150 milligrams. They're the sweet treats from fucking Stoner Club, the grape ape. They're 500 for the bag, but it's 50 milligrams each. And the honeymooners were coming out. I got back from New Year's. I didn't do much. I went to my buddies.

They made a fucking tremendous lasagna. We watched a movie called Sea of Love with Al Pacino and John Goodman. Fucking Ellen Barkman. Fucking tremendous. I seen it already. And then I just watched the fucking Georgia game and they came back, but I didn't cover what the fuck I was giving five. I should have bet the money line.

And we were home by 12.15. I came home. Me and my wife stood up for like an hour talking shit. And I watched the honeymoon of Marathon fucking tremendous. I found myself crying three times throughout the night. Every time I watched the honeymooners, I'm not watching the honeymooners. I'm revisiting my past. It's like, it's the weirdest fucking thing.

That night I was like going through changes like the way Lisa, I used to go to when he used to eat edibles and be a different person. Like I was, I watched like two episodes and then I would take two bomb hits and I would drink some water and I'd fucking, and that was it. I kept testing myself and my fucking tired, but my mind just ran away from me when I was watching the honeymooners that night. I was watching the one about the taxes when he, he made him a mistake on his tax and he thought that we're going to throw him in jail and fucking the jokes were hysterical.

He went to throw Norton out and he goes, I'm throwing you out and Norton's like, I'm not scared of you. Norton's like, fuck it. He brow says to him, Norton, I'm counting the three. He goes, if you can count, they wouldn't be investigating you for your taxes. Fucking hysterical. I just died. I just died.

And I laughed so hard. I just started crying and I'm not crying because it's that funny. I've seen these and heard these jokes 50,000 fucking times, which shocks me about when I watched the honeymooners or this certain handful of shows. Like when I was a kid, I watch them and I think about I used to watch the show and my mother was alive and it just fucking killed that thought right there. And the thought of that 50 years later, I still find this show funny. Like fucking funny as shit.

And the other thing that makes me cry is you motherfuckers could come up with all your stupid fucking shows and all your stupid fucking comedies and all your bullshit with your 20 writers. When you watch the honeymooners, you watch real comedy writing. It is as brilliant as it could come. 1955, 1951, he had two people on the fucking staff. And I got to tell you something. The writing is just superb.

I also watched the $99,000 question. All right. That is one of the greatest written episodes that I have ever watched on television. Ralph has to fucking go on a game show to name songs. And he has to name the 99. You get to the $99,000 question. You have to go to like the $9 question and the $16 question. Then the $100 question.

You just keep going up. It's like Japanese. Same thing. But it was about music. He picks music. He was really nervous when he went to the show the first time. And then he had to come back. The time ran out and he had to come back and I gave him time to practice his shit.

And the whole time Norton was his piano player. And he was going through all these songs. The neighbors were running songs at him and shit. And the next thing you know, before Norton would play his song, he'd go. Trunk. Trunk. Trunk. Trunk.

Trunk. Trunk. Trunk. Trunk. Trunk. Trunk. Trunk. Trunk.

Trunk. Trunk. Trunk. Trunk. Trunk. Trunk. Trunk. Trunk.

Trunk. Trunk. Trunk. Trunk. Trunk. Trunk. Trunk. Trunk.

Trunk. Trunk. Trunk. Trunk. Trunk. Trunk. Trunk. Trunk.

Trunk. Trunk. Trunk. is like Swanee River and all of a sudden he goes play a few bars for him and he did it's that song trunk trunk trunk unemployment and so all those songs that he studied he never asked Norton what the name of that song was that's how yet and he goes at the end he goes who is the composer there goes I'm gonna Ed Norton because he couldn't fucking guys that is the best episode well

written episode I have ever fucking and I cry I just cry like a little pussy but But anyway, who gives a fuck about Donnie Booth's? Fucking Wednesday night, I was very lucky. Listen, for all that I have going on, guys, when it comes to stand-up comic, I really have nothing going on. I could lie to you guys and tell you that I'm killing it and all this shit, listen.

I'm working with new material and old material and I've revamped them just because I don't know where else to go. Like, at least I'm honest with you. I just don't know where else to go. So I'm taking, like, the greatest hits and rewriting them over with fucking today's 2023. I'm just trying my best, guys.

But I know this going in. I wouldn't put myself. It's like the Chappelle people contacted me last week. I blessed their hearts on the way back from New York and they're like, are you available Saturday night to do New Year's in Columbus? I couldn't get a flight and it was just too fucking crazy. I called the travel agent.

I hate calling travel agents, you know? Like, you can just go on AA.com. What the fuck are you gonna do? And she was like, I can't get you back to like maybe Tuesday or Wednesday. And I was like, you know what? It's gonna be crazy this week with the airlines because everybody's flying back.

So, but hey, I had it went well. John Stewart fucking Tammy Pascattalia went great. And I let them know. I go, listen, if you have anything in 2023 that you'd like me to stop in and do a show, give me an advance. Don't tell me two nights before. Give me a fucking week or so.

I know it doesn't work that way, but, but I'm not for all the comedy what I'm getting through is for all the hoopla. I'm not really to that level, guys. I love, I could tell you, yeah, I'm that guy. I'm gonna listen, it's an entertaining show. We have a great time. You guys know, I always find the tangent to go off on.

I'm high, we have a great time. We make the videos before and after to the city. I mean, this is all great, but I don't struggle up there. But I feel, I don't feel like I did before the pandemic is what I'm trying to say. I don't know if it's because of the pandemic or what happened during COVID. Oh, I don't know if it's,

I don't get on stage every night like I used to. It used to be second nature for me to get on the stage and kill it. I don't know, you know, I don't know what the fuck's gonna happen in 2023. I got one more show left on the 28th of January, but I gotta tell you about the 29th of January of December. The 28th was a great fucking show.

I didn't worry about it. I let it be very organic. I made notes leading up to the show when I, you know, I make my little notes and I write my jokes or whatever, but I'm not writing to the level that I was. And I'm a lot of fucking stories. For the last three years, I haven't really done shit.

And, you know, I can't tell you another one of my fucking old stories again, even though they pop up during the set or something, somebody will throw. And I was gonna tell the story last week of the Segura, one legged woman. And I was like, I don't wanna say it. Not to mention my wife was in the audience.

She don't wanna hear that fucking joke. But the show was sensational. Lee was fucking great, even though he had taken 200 milligrams. Tara was fucking tremendous. Eleanor is becoming a fucking powerhouse of a comedian, guys. Eleanor Kerrigan is not fucking around up there.

She took that Philadelphia work ethic and that Philadelphia blue collar, and she's learned how to transform it on stage. And it is phenomenal, guys. All the women that went, I had 16 girls there. 16 women came with my wife that night. Total, it was 16, I'm sorry. My wife had the best birthday of her life.

And I was so happy that I was a part of it. For the last 22 years, guys, I'm a dud. I hate my birthday. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, you know when your birthday comes, you're like, what am I gonna do? I'm one of those idiots. And every year, it's the same shit.

I take her out to dinner and I give her some fucking pieces, stupid fucking jewelry that she wears twice a year and we come home. That's our birthday. And my birthday's even worse. I mean, we don't do dick, you know? By, so this year, her birthday,

we found the night of that show and these girls went all out. I mean, they rented a limo. They went to dinner at Carmine's in the city. They walked to the show. They got fucking hammered. Some of them were smoking in the back, eating edible, jumping up and down.

It was great to see my wife having a great time and the pressure was off me. I didn't even give my wife a present. I think he gave her a fucking card, that's it. Because the pressure was off me. That's the hardest thing in the world when you have to buy something for somebody on the 24th of December

and then you gotta turn right back around on the 24th and 8th for their birthday. That sucks, guys. You don't know how hard you try. You can't, it's not like a secondary gift. Like, I usually buy my wife like a couple nice gifts and then a couple small ones, right? And you put them in your stocking, a notebook, whatever.

And then, you know, but for Christmas and birthday, you can't give them secondary type gifts. I can't throw them there, underwear. I gotta throw some main shit, so it's rough. But this year, the show was great. I mean, the energy in the room, Catherine Narducci was there, Tara came. One of my dear friends was there, I grew up with.

And one of them said the same thing to me two days later. They were like, we've been to a lot of shows, but that show was primarily really fucking special. The audience was all in, my wife was crying. Some of the women were crying on the side when I got on stage because of the love in the room. I mean, I was watching Lee and I couldn't believe the love he was getting and Tara and, you know,

and it was just people having a great time. And that's what a comedy show's supposed to be, guys. You know, you could add the lights and the DJs and you could jump up and down, but if the material and the love aren't there, you got nothing in that room. I've been into great places to perform. And I think people are just so excited to be there.

They forget about what they're there for. So when you're a part of something like that, listen, I've been doing comedy for 30. And if I had a name and hundreds of shows, I've been involved in like a thousand shows like that where it's not about the comedy. People are just so fucking energetic to be out, you know. Best week of the year, I always tell people

is the week after Christmas. And I'll tell you that the business side of it, the money side of it is great. People want to go out. People are dying to give you money to make them laugh when you're a comic. It's surreal what happens on the 26, 27, 28, and 29th of the month.

And then of course you got New Year's, you got some people call amateur hour. Listen, Twitch is on, you know, but comedy, entertainment, fucking the 26, people can't wait to get the fuck out. I don't know what it is. You see the difference in the attitude. It's like the night before Thanksgiving.

I love performing on that night. I used to perform in Irvine every year. I gotta tell you something guys, I used to sell it out. I used to make good money on that night, two shows. But the shows were so goddamn bad. The shows were so goddamn bad looking back at them. Listen man, Irvine used to be 45 minutes from Studio City. And on that day, on Thanksgiving day,

it takes you two and a half hours. You don't know how many times Lee and I were stuck in bumper to bumper traffic or editor Irvine. I did the Thanksgiving maybe six or seven years in a row. And I gotta be honest with you, looking back at them, I hated every one of those fucking shows. From the first year when I ate the fucking Umi burger and I got sick on New Year's on Thanksgiving,

the fucking what's so Japanese burgers, the why there's a chain, like they used to cook at the improv. I don't know if I think it was fucking bat beef or some shit because I was sick, but that's not the situation here. The situation was that those shows used to suck Irvines. Like in the middle of the place, they come to see me to stare at me. They wouldn't laugh. Irvine's really weird.

And I had great shows at Irvine. I'm just talking about the night before Thanksgiving. There was a couple of clubs I couldn't fucking conquer if I wanted to in Orange County, just for particular reasons. It became a mental thing. Then I started rockin' and rollin' and I steamrolled past the mental thing.

But Irvine, the night before Thanksgiving, I'd do it every year and every year on the drive home, I would giggle on how it was just a show. It was just a non, it felt like a non-committal show. Like they came to watch me. I performed, they left and I left. There was nothing else there. So it was like, this sucks.

So don't get me wrong. There's places that you go to that the energy's just off. The money's good, the food is good, they laughed. They laughed. It's not like you died. I'm not saying anything about that. That you died on stage or anything. They just, just energy wasn't right in the room.

That was completely opposite Wednesday night at the Sony Hall. I mean, so if you were there, you came out for a great show. There was a couple of Patreon guys there. My man Rick was there. He came back there with his son. He gave me a couple fucking police cards.

You know, when you get pulled over, you give it to him and shit. Great people, great night, great venue. This is my last one. I don't know if I'm going to continue to do it or when. I might have to take February off for the book to do the audio book or March. I'm, we're gonna, you know,

we're going into the new year this year. This year is a week of fucking phone calls because we didn't do shit last week. And even like, I usually do this on Monday. Monday was a fucking dead day. Sunday, I was going to get behind no podcast mic for Monday, Monday. Nobody was out there.

Nobody was fucking out there Monday morning. I went to breakfast. There was nobody out there. There was no traffic. So it was like, even my daughter, it's hard to even, like you look at kids. Okay, my daughter doesn't drink. My daughter doesn't smoke pot.

My daughter doesn't take ecstasy. You know what I'm saying? She doesn't do any of that shit. She's a 10 year old little girl. You have to see her. You had to see her Monday and Sunday, New Year's Day. New Year's Day, she was gone. She had to sleep over New Year's night.

The night before that, we went to a fucking party. You know, she played basketball Thursday or something. It was fucking like we were, they went to some basketball facility because it's been 60 fucking degrees. For you people don't know it. It's been 60 motherfucking degrees. The other day, some girl on Facebook,

just trying to be a jerk off. And he's like, how'd you, how'd you enjoy moving to Jersey? You're freezing your ass off, ready to come back to California. I'm like, bitch, it's 60 degrees. You're getting rain out there. So today's the wrong day for you to be making fun of me, stupid fucking,

as it cold out. The fuck is wrong with you? You're 60 fucking degrees. But looking at my daughter about four o'clock, New Year's Day, I can tell she was damaged goods. She was damaged goods. I asked her what time she went to sleep New Year's Eve. She went to sleep about one.

They slept over about nine. So, but I could just tell from just and not drinking and not smoking and not, you know, we didn't go to New York city. We didn't do any of that crazy stuff in the car. It was such a concentration of people and kids and, you know, fucking five or six days. She's just shot.

I asked her, you want to go to school Monday? And she's like, not a million fucking years. She goes, I'll be ready by Tuesday, but Monday, not even fucking close. Just looking at them, just to let you know how taxing the holidays are on you. Like that fucking, it gets Christmas day. You're like,

when does this tree go down? You're like, that's six more motherfucking days. Look at this goddamn tree. And it's so weird because it's like, you're 50% recovered after the 25th. Like the 26th, you feel like half your body's back to normal, but you still feel like, okay, I got one more week of this New Year's to jump up and down.

And then New Year's comes and you're like, whoo, when that fucking ball drops, you were so fucking happy. You're like, thank God. And I tried watching that David, what was that called? Dick Clark thing. Oh my God, guys.

What has happened to our society? And I didn't sit there like regular Americans and watch it and jump up and down. I was watching in between the Georgia game and just to see. But I flicked back one time and I heard this song by Duran Duran. I'm like, look at these guys singing Duran Duran songs. Who the fuck are these?

I don't know, suddenly the camera pan them. I'm like, wait a second, that is Duran Duran. Simon Laban is not looking too good these days. I ain't looking too good either. But I wasn't looking good from the beginning. Look, when you're ugly in the beginning and you get older, you get uglier. But when you're good looking in the beginning,

you get ugly. That's real fucking ugly. Because for me, I was ugly all along. But for Simon Laban, he was like a fucking heartthrob. He's out there singing cocaine and white lines and hungry like the wolf. When that camera pan down to him and I saw that Laban had a bigger gut than I did.

Not bueno, guys. And then they had the other guy that I recognized. And they had a guy with a green tuxedo and like a red hat on, like a fucking guy was pale. He had no testosterone, no vitamin D in his body. This motherfucker look worse than McMahons. I don't know why the fuck he was on there. They had a black chick with plain, dead on fucking hair.

They had people swabbing spit. The music was God awful. And then they put Wiz Khalifa up there. I saw Wiz direct from LA. And I'm like, they didn't even let him smoke pot. They put a hat on him that said get high or something like that. Because come on, guys.

Come on, guys. But the check must be fucking outrageous for Wiz Khalifa. But the fucking shocker of the night was Shaggy. Let me ask you a question. NBC, ABC, whoever did this fucking New Year's Eve bash? I got no disrespect for Shaggy. That song is 80 fucking years old. It's so weird how they try to get YouTube people, right?

Like YouTube kids and TikTok kids. And they did what they did. And then they mixed them in with like fucking a couple of modern acts. And then they mixed them in with like fucking real old acts like me. Like Duran Duran and fucking Boyz Taman. Was it Boyz Taman?

New edition. I didn't see him in there. No, Bobby Brown is busy. Bobby Brown is embossed in making eggs. So fucking, yeah, like, it was just, and I'm not here to criticize none. Everybody has their own fucking taste. But that's not the Dick Clark show I grew up on.

And when I saw fucking immigrants making out on TV, like people from other countries. Did you see that? Like all these 10 people swapping spit up. It was like, oh, Dick Clark is fucking spinning in his grave. I saw the country fucking New Year's Eve thing, a couple segments of that. And that was way better.

Way better than fucking Dick Clark show. The rockin' one. And Miley Cyrus wasn't bad either until she started hugging people and fucking acting like, you know, she gives a fuck. Then I had to switch. Yeah, I can't deal with that shit. But oh no, if you stayed in, it was a good night.

Like I said, I stayed in. I just wanted to fucking, I don't know, I was waiting to see if anything, like any kind of idea. I asked around. I couldn't see myself in a restaurant for New Year's with a DJ. That is just so fucking cheesy.

I just did not want to bring the ball in during fucking New Year's. I don't drink on New Year's. So, you know, I was telling, I'm happy, I lived a life that was weird and I saw some weird things, but there were some things I fucking just learned from. You know, 1980, I went to see Aerosmith,

which somebody at the Nassau Coliseum, me and Mike Denny, the devil. He's doing time now in North Carolina for killing his wife. Well, that's what I heard. I don't know if he killed his wife, he killed somebody, his grandmother, it doesn't matter. Me and the devil went over there and we rung in New Year's Eve.

There was no snow or anything. I just remember we had done some acid and we had done a few bumps and a couple beers. I wasn't drunk or like none of those, you know, New Year's Eve people drop at eight o'clock, there's puke everywhere. I had a good time at Aerosmith, what I remember from the concert.

And, you know, we drove back, I think we came over to George Washington. I just remember we went through Uptown and it must have been about 1.30 in the morning, a New Year's Eve, 1980, and we're driving through Uptown, North Bergen, going downtown on Kelly Boulevard. And we had just passed a 91 street bend,

shooting down like 85th Street, past Roma Pete's and all those, my favorite Pete's are there. And as we get to a bar named Mareg's, the bar was closed, so it had to be at the fucking three, the bar was closed. So sorry about that.

And as we pulled up, we weren't gonna go into the bar or anything, we were just driving on Kelly Boulevard, but as we pulled up at that light, at 80, whatever the street is, 85th Street, there was a car that hit a pole. Smoke was coming out of it and there was maybe another bystander

who had gotten there. We were probably either second or third on the fucking street on Kelly Boulevard. Mike Denny pulled over. And I remember that the car that, we were in an RX-7, and the car that the people were driving was an RX-7, a Mazda, if anybody remembers a RX-7,

it was basically a glorified casket for two people. That's all it is. You get hit in the fucking, you get hit in the RX-7 guys, they're just burying you in the fucking RX-7. Like this, why should they even take you out and put you in it? It's a waste of time.

So as I got out of the car, I got out of the car because it was an accident and there was smoke coming out of the hood of the car and the car had gone into a pole, but it was right down the middle of the hood. Like he hit it straight on 50-50 on both side. When I looked in the driver's side, I just saw somebody slumped over

and there was blood on the windshield, the windshield was blasted and stuff, but the girl that he was with was crying. I didn't know the ages. You know, I could be running 20, let's just say 20, 18, I don't know around there. I didn't know the person, they were not from North Bergen. And as we, I got shocked by the ambulances

and the police that pulled up while we were looking, and then I get away from the scene, get away from the scene, we were right there, guys. And they're evaluating, they're pushing everybody back, like me and the other two or three people, they're pushing us back and they're going in the car and they open up the passenger side, the driver's side,

and I heard them say, he's gone. Like he's gone, I remember like it just took the wind out of my fucking sails. I was like, what the fuck, he's gone. And then they tried to open up the passenger side and that's the side that was stuck. I don't know what, what, you know, a car collapsed in the front.

They were trying to open up the passenger side, they couldn't get it, but they had a moonroof. So the guy got on top of the car, the fireman, got on top of the car and he ripped the moonroof open and he's yelling down or whatever, and then I remember they gave him a saw. And as he was cutting 10 minutes later or something, now it's a full fucking accident scene.

They've already yelled that he's dead and I'm on acid. I need this shit. I'm on a fucking tremendous hit of fucking acid. And it's starting to, you know, it's kicking. What the fuck am I telling you? It's fucking kicking. So, you know, I'm hearing buzzes and ambulances and fucking, it was like a,

jaws of life, but they were cutting through the car. You know, you can see the sparks and shit, so I'm trippin' and I can hear a yell. Happy New Year, you bad motherfuckers. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Listen, it's the beginning of the year and life could be a little overwhelming. Working with a therapist can make you more prepared

to take on anything life pros at you. Listen, when I was confused a few years ago, I was struggling Dana over at BetterHelp helped me out. BetterHelp is therapy option that's convenient, flexible, affordable, and entirely online. Fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapist anytime for no additional charge.

Very easy. If you wanna live a more empowered life, therapy can help you. Listen, man, like I said, I was struggling and she helped me with my goals and just to identify anxiety when it comes, how the fuck can get out of it? So visit BetterHelp.com slash Diaz today

and get 10% off your first month. Again, that's BetterHelp.com slash Diaz. BetterHelp will help you ask for Dana. I could hear her yell, like, ah, help, help. I can't move my light or something. I don't know exactly. It was fuckin' for 30 years ago, 40 fuckin' years ago. But the moral of the story, that's why Papa

don't like to do dick on new years. That stuck with me like a cheap fuckin' suit. I still remember gettin' the call. I didn't know her, I didn't know him. I was young, my mother had just died maybe two months earlier. I was in fuckin' hell as it was. I had just gotten over one of the worst nights in my life,

maybe two nights earlier, and now there's shit. And I'll never forget that. I made like a fuckin' decision right there, like I'm not drinkin', the other thing I remember is the fine man takin' out a bottle of vodka. Like a Walsh-Mitt vodka, and that maybe two inches left,

and they took it, so they were drinkin'. So with the acid and the fuckin' lights and the whole fuckin' thing, I'm like, doesn't look like I'll be fuckin' partying anymore, you know, I was just, I had that incident, and then somethin' happened in 83, and I was like, you know what? It's not worth it,

cause you gotta pay attention on New Year's Eve. I was even scared driving back home. It was a fuckin' 10-minute ride, but I was scared driving home that night, not scared, like, but just goin', Jesus Christ, gotta keep my eyes open for some drunk cocksucker, you know what I'm sayin'? Cause that thing you're scared of the most

is gettin' whacked by a drunk dude, or whacking somebody yourself if you're high or somethin', so I got home and I was happy, and that's been the model for me. Like, guys, I even hate goin' on New Year's to do comedy. When I did comedy on New Year's, I missed the ice house, because I would do the 730 show,

and you're in your car at a quarter to nine. You go to whatever party you want, you go to whatever dinner you want. I like doin' New Year's early, that should've countin' down like fuckin' Dick Clark. I'm not good with the fuckin' countdown. I'm not good with those countdowns, although I just wanna get the fuck outta there, so.

But I'm happy it's a new year, you know, I don't know if my happiness is for the holidays, or if my happiness is always for the new year. No matter what position I've always been in my life, there's always somethin' that's excited you about the new year, like you're like, okay, my life's gonna change, this is gonna happen, I'm gonna lose 80 pounds,

I'm gonna fuckin' meet a woman, you know, you have all these fuckin' goals, you know? But it's the biggest, I think the biggest problem I made as a kid, and I don't, people make it for a fact, how I made for many years is the mistake of thinking that things are just gonna change, like, guys, and I'm the king of that shit, things are just gonna change. It's a new year, don't worry about nothin',

your bills are gonna go away, somebody's gonna just give you a check, you know, somebody's gonna give you a car, whatever, you're gonna meet a girl, some girls gonna knock on your door mat naked, and it's gonna come in, that's what you're thinking. You know, this is my year to hit the fuckin' lottery, this is my year to win the fuckin' contest at work,

it's always like a game of chance, I didn't like it as a game of chance, I really didn't. It's so weird when, I think, new years like, when I first got off Coke in 2008, was the first new years that my mind looked at it different. You know, when you have an addiction, or you have some fuckin', what do they call it, like a vice. You know, you always think that success is

to get money to make that vice come in more, like if you like hookers, and you like fuckin' hookers, like this a kid on my Patreon, that's like, I'm eight days without fuckin' a hooker, you know, what the fuck are you talkin' about, guy? You know, what the fuck are you talkin' about? But they say, listen, vices are vices, it could be vikin', it could be Xanax,

it could be Coke, weed, whatever, so. But we all, like, for me, as a Coke head, I was like, this is the year I snort more Coke than next year, you know, because I'm gonna make more money than last year, you know, like, you just thought about all these stupid things, like, it's gonna be different. How is it going to be fuckin' different?

How, like, and when that hit me, like, I was like, yeah, new years is coming, things are gonna change, I'm gonna have a, I'm going to have a different perspective and a different attitude, just like that. Just like that, it's like when you get baptized, you ever see, like, when you get baptized, you think things are gonna change that day? You ever see, like, adults getting baptized,

they put them in the lake backwards and they hit them in the head and they pull them up and they're like, you change, you know, oh, what, I pray to gay? You know, like, when they're gonna pray to gay away, or, you know, all these things that we've grown to believe are gonna happen just because, you know, the power of prayer and all this,

the power of prayer is great, I'm not here doubting it. But you could just pray so fuckin' much before you gotta do something, it's gotta be action on your side. For years, we've waited on the universe to just change its course on us. We're gonna hit a lottery ticket, I'm gonna drive down the street in front of the suitcase

and all my problems are gonna be fuckin' gone. That's the bandaid that we've grown up thinking that really is fuckin' possible. And listen, I could be wrong, it could be. Today, it's Tuesday, you can fuckin' go into a, go get a U-Hoo and while you're there, maybe a butted road or fuckin' go what the fuck, give me a picket ticket and you hit the picket

and you won three billion, I hope I'm the first motherfucker you hit me up and say go fuck yourself, I defeated the odds, I'm there with you, at least throw me an all-purpose loan, but what are the odds of that really fuckin' happening? It's not. So we have to up our game and change our game, not much, not much.

People think you gotta make all these fuckin' great changes and I gotta stay in every night, I gotta eat special cake, fuckin' you don't know, it's not that extreme. It's like a diet, like last Sunday night on 60 Minutes, they had a thing about diet drugs. These new synthetic Hollywood type drugs for people who have like a little beer belly, but they're really meant for people who are like me,

people who are whatever the fuck you call it obese, you have obese syndrome, whatever the fuck it is. They want 1,200 for these fuckin' shots, like 1,200 a month for these fuckin' shots, they ain't cheap, you guys. But it's so weird to see people wanna lose weight, because I was one of those people, I thought like, ah, I'm gonna get big

and just stop drinkin' soda and I'm gonna lose weight and then if you watch that show Sunday night, it's the shit that I've always known, obesity has to do with genetics. You could eat carrot sticks every fuckin' day and still be overweight, a lot of it. And I know a lot of you guys are saying, General, what are you talkin' about?

But my point is like, I have a friend that's gettin' the surgery and in their mind, everybody who gets the surgery or who goes on a diet, thinks their life is gonna change miraculously. Oh, it's gonna change just like that. I'm gonna meet the girl of my dreams once I lose the 800 pound, the fat ball on my neck, you know, like you're gonna all of a sudden,

and it's so weird the expectations we have as Americans and as humans, but mostly as Americans, like this shit's just gonna go away, you know? And even with me, like the last month, I've tried to lose weight and I've succeeded, I've dropped like nine pounds, but it's been the roughest fuckin' nine pounds I've ever lost in my life, with the fuckin' holidays

or whatever, but that's not the point here, the point is that you have to change your lifestyle. And that's whether it's a diet, you know, this year I wanna make the podcast a little stronger, you know, I wanna do something with a friend of mine, we're gonna do more videos, you know, like more Instagram videos, and it's basically a podcast, but it's the same, it's not gonna be a podcast,

but it's the same result, I get to communicate to you guys, let you know what I'm doin', and the whole thing, the same thing happens when you're looking for something that you think is gonna just change miraculously, like it's 2023, everything's gonna change, my prom's gonna go away, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, they're probably gonna go away, but you have to work at them a little bit,

just a little fuckin' bit, I love this time of the year, I fuckin' love it because it checks me, I get checked every day by myself, by me, you know me guys, I beat myself up every day, I'm a loser, I'm a stiff, I'm this and that, but this is the biggest checking I do every year because it lets you know what you need to do, everybody thinks just because it's a new year, that everything's gonna change, no, everything's gonna change

if you put an effort into it, how do you do that? Just three little fuckin' things, three little fuckin' things, you gonna drink more water this year, you gonna read more, those are my guys, I didn't do, my goals this year were very fuckin' simple, and they were all to, I wanna start playing the guitar a little more, I wanna be more consistent with it,

you know if you play on a Monday, then play two weeks later on a Thursday, you're not gonna improve on no fuckin', you know and that's what I've been doing with it, I wanna play the little goals, did I say I wanna be in a rock band, did I say I wanted to do a concert, did I say I wanted to hang out with the Foo Fighters

and see what the new, who's the new drummer? They're looking for one, I think it's gonna be Taylor Son or the dude from Queen's Son. I think, but it could be anybody. You know? They're movin' on now. No, I did see they posted something, and they did it right, I love them,

how they react to this stuff. You know, this is what, I've been thinkin' about this year, for the last three weeks, this is why it took off last week, I didn't wanna do anything, I didn't wanna do a fuckin' thing, and every day I just made notes, just little notes, I'm on what differences, what are the little differences I wanted in 2023? Do I wanna have a boat, none of that shit,

you know, material things don't do dick for me. I wanna be better, how do I get better? Do I add an extra jiu-jitsu class? Do I, do I go to crowd therapy, and so I can get more recovered, so I can hit an extra jiu-jitsu class and maybe lift weights one extra day,

I'm already workin' on four days a week, but do I need five? I don't fuckin' know, but these are the things I was thinking about, how can I make the joint just a little bit fuckin' better? I didn't write down my goals, I wanted to be the number one podcast, I wanna, I don't give a fuck,

I just wanna be happy, and I want you guys to be happy, and I wanna give you the right amount of content to write about the right type of content to make this work between us, I'm not lookin' to fuckin' add videos or fuckin' beat, you know, what's his name? Bill Maher and whatever the fuck it is. Guys, I'm just lookin' to be happy.

This is one of these things that I never, every year we fuckin' look at our goals, and we go all this shit, we need to make more money, this year I need to work more, this year I need to work harder, yeah, I need to do all those things also, but the number one goal of this year

that I never really focused on was just being happy, being chill, letting things go by a little more, you know, who gives a fuck? It's like this week, if this was 10 years ago, me and Mike would've fuckin', we would've been here New Year's Day if we had a podcast on Monday

because we gotta go, we're missin' somethin', no we're not. They're not even in the fuckin' mood for it, you know, when we stop doin', you know, like this month in January, I think I'm just gonna do one podcast a month until we get goin', you know, why fuckin' over bill? It's not that type of party, no more, I know it's not, I'm about to turn 60,

in less than two months, and that's been on my mind a fuckin' lot lately, a lot, first of all, what a lie, for years I sweated 60, well look, let's get down to basics, for years I never thought I would make 60, okay, let's, I thought I was gonna go and this whole, what nobody understands in my life

is that this whole fuckin' thing has been, I didn't expect or see any of this coming, let's start from scratch, for starters, I was gonna die when I was 37, I just, since the time I'm a kid, my mother, my dad died when he was 37, and I never thought I would make it past 37, I'm like, it's just not gonna happen, and that's okay,

you know, that's how I expected, my life was such a fuckin' shit show that when I was 20, I was like, I'm gonna die at 37, and I gotta tell you somethin', that's okay, because if this is, if this is the first 20 years of my life and they've sucked, you know, no family, they're struggling, whatever, this is what life is, this struggle,

I better not do this no more, this is not the life I wanna live, so what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna party, I'm not gonna take responsibility for anything, and I'm gonna fuckin' just be a bum until I fuckin' die at 37, but then 38, 37, 2001, 2000, January 1st, I woke up in El Paso, Texas, and I wasn't fuckin' dead,

I still remember where I did comedy for, what was, what did they call me? Yeah, Y2K, I was on stage thinking the power was gonna turn out, people gonna kick the doors in with fuckin' power beams, it's a new world, it's a new time, that didn't fuckin' happen, but if you ever heard my fuckin' story, I thought I was gonna die at 37,

my life began at 37, because 37 was the age when I met my wife, Terry, 37 was the age when I kinda realized I was onto something, I went onto something with the stand-up comedy, I've been doing this for nine fuckin' years, and nobody realized I'm a thief yet, I haven't robbed the comedy club yet, I haven't kidnapped a comedian yet,

I haven't gotten into a fight with a comedian yet, this has panned out to be an okay fuckin' mission, I'll stick it out for another fuckin' couple of years, but that's what happened when I was, I thought I was gonna die at 37, so at 37 when I met my girlfriend and she was very nice, I was like, I might have a chance here, I might have a fuckin' chance here,

I was gettin' spotted at the store, I was startin' to travel with Joe Rogan, and I'm like, this is startin' to pan out, and now what, 23 fuckin' years later, I'm about to turn fuckin' 60, and I thought that we would all look like Archie Bunker, I thought that I would be in like a stroller, you know, like, I'm not exaggerating to you guys, guys,

this is, you know, I came, when I was 20, it was a different time of being 20 than when you guys were being 20, you know, I saw a picture of Heidi Fleiss, she said, Heidi Fleiss, not Heidi Fleiss, the girl who's married to Seal, the pretty girl that was married to Seal, she posted a picture of herself two weeks ago,

Heidi Klum, maybe, I don't know, Heidi Klum, she's 58 years old with a fuckin' bikini on, did anybody see those pictures of her? Been a word in a sexual way, it was just a picture of her with sunglasses on a wall with a bikini on, when I went to the gym a couple days later, all the, the old lady club was talkin' about those pictures

and how impressive those pictures were, because it shows you that we've fuckin' come so far in 20 fuckin' years, 25 years, you never expected, look at all these people you see on Instagram in their 60s and 50s doing things, Mick Shag is gonna tour this year, him and Keith are gonna tour this year, and they're gonna turn 80 years old this year.

When I was a kid, you didn't do anything but die when you were 75 fuckin' years old, never mind goin' on tour like Bruce Springsteen and his bandmates, this has been fuckin' just, that I'm 60, and there's a guy that busts my balls all the time on Patreon, John Mickelson, he's like, you can't retire, I made some stupid jokes a couple years ago, I thought that I would just retire,

and then I realized that I was gonna retire, and then I realized that I don't know how fuckin' people retire because there's nothing to fuckin' do, there's nothing to do. I went to lunch with a buddy of mine this year, maybe last year, I'm like, when are you gonna retire from UPS, and he's like, why would I? This guy is my age and he works seven days a week

from November 25th to January like third, he doesn't take a day off, I asked him, when do you, he gets six weeks vacation a year and he only takes two of them, because his wife only takes two of them, he has something to do, he will not take a week vacation off by himself, because he says it's that fuckin' boring,

and when I thought about retiring, listen guys, I was just talkin' shit, I thought that I could get like a part-time job at Costco and put stickers on people's orders like a regular old guy, that's never gonna fuckin' happen, so that's what I was talkin' about, so it's not gonna pan out, but now, thinking about it, I gotta work till they put me

in the casket, you gotta work till they put you in the casket, listen, I'm gonna turn 60, I'm walking okay, I'm losing weight, I work out, I drink plenty of water, God knows I get plenty of fuckin' sleep lately, God knows I get plenty of fuckin' sleep, you know, this whoop watch, I'm sleep, I'm gettin' REM sleep now, which I never REM slept for fuckin' 20 fuckin' years when I was doin' comedy

cause you wake up in three hours, your body's like why, why would I fuckin' even indulge in that shit when you're not gonna wake up? So, you know, I do my physicals, I gotta go for blood this week, I'm probably gonna go Wednesday morning and give some blood, I got a heart doctor appointment on the 10th, I'm takin' care of myself at 60,

this is a great fuckin' feeling, you know, Mike and I were talkin' about things we're gonna do with DraftKings this year and everything, I'm gonna be 60, I thought that I would be like halfway fuckin' dead, and listen, don't get me wrong guys, I can't deliver for UPS now, it's like I'm gonna take a roofing job or I could work for Fetix,

fellow express and deliver fuckin' boxes and climb stairs, I can't do that either, I'm not gonna lie to you about that, but I'm happy that I'm active, you know, I love goin' to Jiu Jitsu to keep my mind goin', even if it's a basic class to learn norm bar, it doesn't matter because you're takin' steps, and that fights that fuckin' dementia, even if you're hittin' the bag,

you know, you're workin' combinations, you gotta remember those combinations, so that helps you a little bit. So I'm tryin' to do the best I can, so I see me fuckin' goin' to whatever. I'm lookin' at stand-up this year a little bit, maybe a couple shows, when, I don't fuckin' know, I'll keep ya posted, and I'm also lookin' at

doin' somethin' with Vic, I'm lookin' at fuckin', puttin' out the book this year, which I'm fuckin', if anybody knows, I am brutally excited about cause I get this fuckin' thing off my neck, this has been a fuckin', this has been a nightmare. For fuckin' 15 years that I just wanna get off my back, I just wanna be able to tell my story, tell my mom's story, and move the fuck on.

But yeah, I'm excited about 2023, I got a lot of good things happening, you know, 2022 ended the year strong, listen, I talk to all these people, I answer your messages, I know a lot of yous weren't struggling this fuckin' holiday, honest to God, I usually get horrible holiday messages, people not doin' well, this was one year

where people were fuckin', just everybody was in a good mood, man, so 2023 is gonna be a better year. Listen, we could talk about it like other people, you know, there's a lot of goin' on right now. Well, Joey, what are we gonna do about the war? You know, what about the COVID that's hitin' China? Who gives a fuck? Just be happy, we're alive today,

we made it to another fuckin' year, it's fuckin' Tuesday, you know? And that's it, it's gonna be an easy fuckin' week and I'm excited, if you're out of weed in Jersey, Stoners Club, cocksuckers, Uncle Joey, 10% off for life, Uncle Joey is the code, 10% off for fuckin' life, they have some weed in Jersey now. I forget what it's called,

I will post it later on on Twitter. It's, I gotta give somethin' to Mike, it's like 60%. They dippin' a hash and somethin' else, it looks pale, it looks like a pale Indian, it just looks pale, but dog, it gives you a nice little fuckin' buzz, so if you wanna give it a try, I'll post it on my Twitter later, I'm sorry, I'm not prepared.

Like I said, guys, I'm just excited about the possibilities in 2023, I'm happy, I finally got this fuckin' book out, I'm happy that we're gonna have a different dynamic to the podcasting and podcasting in general and my Instagram and that's what's goin' on, that's how I feel and that's fuckin' it. One thing I did this year,

I think I'm gonna re-sign up with better help because you always have all these questions in the beginning of the year, like you're like, what should I do with goals, this, that, and like I say in the pitch for it, sometimes you need somebody to help you with a decision, I went with better help last year, all the two years ago when I was struggling

with the fuckin', when I was withdrawing and all that, just to get my thoughts in order, guys, it's always there for you and if you don't wanna go on therapy, you got your best friend to bounce it off their fuckin' walls, but this is it, it's life, it's 2023, I'm fuckin' excited, we're here another year, like I said, we're only puttin' out one podcast this week

and we'll keep you motherfuckers, let you know it's crackin'. That's it and that's that, you bad motherfuckers, have a great day and I'll be back next Monday, the ninth Tip Top Magoo ready to go, love ya and here's a word from our sponsors. All right, it's the kick of a new year, thank you. Thank you for supporting and for loving,

we won't do another one till next Monday, just to give you a fuckin' chance to come out of your coma like Rip Van Winkle. Anyway, the joint is brought to you by Mint Mobile, why are you still paying insane amount of money for every month of your phone bill? Right now when you switch to Mint Mobile, you'll get unlimited plan for 50% off,

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Because they're an online therapy service that's convenient, flexible, and affordable. You can fill out a brief questionnaire, get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime with no additional charge. It's that easy. Listen, when I was stuck, Dana helped me over at BetterHelp

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I wanna thank BetterHelp, FreezePipe, and MintMobile. And I wanna thank you guys for always having our back. We're gonna have a great thing for you in 2023. So thank you for your support and love, and I'll see you motherfuckers next Sunday morning, Monday morning, tip top magoo. Stay black, Uncle Joey loves you.