Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #225 - Joey Diaz, Felipe Esparza and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: October 28, 2014

Felipe Esparza, Comedian, Winner Of Last Comic Standing and The What's Up Fool Podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Dollar Shave Club. Use promo code CHURCH and get high quality razors sent to your door. HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for a 20% discount Music:  Like Suicide - Sound Garden I Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet Warning - Biggie Smalls Recorded on 10/27/2014

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Use code word joeedschurch to get 20% off your order. Kick that motherfucker Lisa yet. Are you kidding me or what? Monday night, special edition. The church of what's happened now you bad motherfuckers. Monday, October 27th. Oh shit. Kick it, Lee.

Kick that motherfucker. Kick out the jams, bitches. It's Monday. What? One time with the motherfucking church. On a Monday, fuck the cowboys. Reef for madness. Put it in your mouth.

Like that motherfucker. Oh shit. What the fuck you been, cocksucker? What's with the questions up in here? You got the yamacan, you got the flying juice shirt on. I gotta have the yamacan. The girl was moving up the Van Nuys, you fucked up. You had a 15 miles away.

No, it's good. Now you got her up there. Now the mother's gonna cook for you four nights already. You over there watching Telemundo asking what your horoscope is. No, I was terrified last night. I'm thank god because I went and saw Fury. How was it? Great.

It was a lot of fun. It was really violent. It's super violent, but it was good. Breakfast is always good. They shoot people. No, but they shoot people and their heads explode. It's fucking tremendous. It's good.

But I was dropping her off and I had to get gas. And I pulled in and I knew immediately I wasn't supposed to be there. Like there was hookers and drug deals going on. And I asked her if it was okay. And she said yes. And then when I got back in the car she was laughing. She's like, this is the worst part of Englewood. Like even the Taco Bell drive-thru has bars on the window.

How'd the hooka look? Not good. All right. It was Sunday night. You wouldn't get that phone on. You would let it lick your fucking nuts. It was one of the, I like black girls, but it was one of the black girls with blonde hair.

I'm like, uh. Little Kim looking motherfuckers. Yeah. That's not my style. Miami was fucking tremendous. My last three weeks were great little weeks and I'm very happy that I'm fortunate I could go out and do comedy in these cities. But Miami was fucking great this time.

I saw somebody I hadn't seen in fucking 30 years, you know. And they had my shit. They saved my shit. What shit? My godmother said he's going to come and get this stuff. Even if I'm dead he's still going to come and get this stuff. Everything. I had t-shirt.

It was just amazing. Oh, any pictures? Nope. The pictures. There were a couple of pictures. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. A couple of pictures. Just, uh, I saw Carlos Perez, a dear friend of mine that. Wait, was it Zareida? No, no, no. It was Mercedita, this chick. But I saw a friend of mine named Carlos Perez who on Sundays we used to buy a $10 bag of Crystal THC, me, him, and Sabatino.

A $3, $10 for a $10 bag of Angel Dust. And we'd buy six Michelobos. And we'd sit at my mother's house, snort it, listen to Led Zeppelin, to like fucking soldiers in training. And then I saw Martin Perez. And Martin Perez's father was a driver for Batista. Okay. And I grew up with Martin Perez.

And here's the moment, like when I see these people, you think of the most obvious thing that happened between you and them, like as a child. One time he lit a tree on fire, that everybody had lit on fire. And he's the only one that got busted. But the weirdest thing that happened to Martin Perez was one night the New York Mets played against the North Bergen High School faculty. This is 1976, maybe 75.

I didn't have hair on my dick. I was a young kid. We walked out of the basketball thing and there was a fist fight. And we got pushed around a little bit and we ran. And when we got to the corner, there was a chick that was letting. She was like 16. And she was letting my three guys feel her titties. At once?

Like for 10 cents or a quarter. I don't know what the deal was. Jesus. We walked up on them, like six gorillas, and we all started feeling her tits. And it was just horrible. Like everybody was grabbing her tits and shit and grabbing her ass and her tits. And I remember that I squeezed her tits and my dick got so fucking hard.

Like I had never squeezed a woman's tits before. Yeah. And I grabbed her tits and I walked home like 40 blocks with this little fucking heart on. My head was on fire. That's that's some fucking shit. What do you think happens to that? Because there's always that one girl who does that in like high school and middle school. What do you think that happened to that girl?

I don't know. I don't know what her name is. You know, if somebody let me squeeze their tits, at least I remember their name. I don't remember what her name was. I never saw that girl again. I never heard nothing about it. It was the weirdest thing. But we were both talking about how we walked home like wow.

Did you feel her tits? Like it was fucking big for us. Like to grab her tits. Oh yeah. Felipe Spars in the motherfucking house. What's up fool? How big were titties, man? At that time, I don't even remember.

I can't even tell you. I don't know what the girl looked like. All I know is I was 12, maybe 11 tops. Tops. Like tits were a big deal. I would have been. I was going through my tit fetters. I was smelling women's bras.

You would smell the bras? Like if I went to your house, I'd ask myself to go to the bathroom. I would hope to God that your mom left one of her bras hanging. A mom bra? Yeah. Yes. Mother back of it bro. The back of it like a soldier.

Well under the cups. Yeah right there. It gets a little sweaty right there. And I didn't know what titties smell like. Till this day titties don't smell like nothing. You know, it's just baby powder. It's just whatever's in your fucking head. You know what I'm saying?

I feel you. But that was it. You know one thing about Miami that I noticed for the first time in all my life that I've been going to Miami that it's kind of an injustice if you're Spanish. You don't live in Miami. Because you don't get the full benefits of being Spanish. You see everything down there. Just Cubans being badundas and things of the past.

Different than LA because LA is a lot of. Yes. No, no, no. They have the whole. They have Venezuelans. They have all that. A lot of Colombians. A lot of Brazilians.

They have this whole gap, you know. And it's like every three blocks you see this little coffee shop or like a coffee shop. And you get like a dollar fifty for a half a cup of coffee that you share with three people. And you all get fucked up. It's just super strong. So yeah, it's good. And everybody sits around and they talk shit.

And I went the first morning and got like a Cuban sandwich and a couple croquettes. And my fucking head. I went to the doctor that gained six pounds in Miami in three days. It's fucking amazing. Like I just and I didn't eat like ice cream or flan. Nothing. They got flan at the Miami club now at the homestead. Yeah.

They got delicious food, man. And both nights I had a salad with a piece of dolphin. I was going to say, do you try dolphin mahi mahi? I always ate it. I've always eaten mahi mahi's dolphin. Yeah. It's Hawaiian like whatever. Okay.

So you didn't know that. I saw the menu and I thought it like his actual dolphin home field. The dolphin fingers and all that. Yeah. The blue cheese dressing on the salad was fucking delicious. The tomatoes were fucking delicious. Do you understand me? I said you had some awesome Jews at the show.

I had a couple of Jews at the show. I had a great black couple that came up to me. They were beautiful people. And he asked me where to get big G's for Jiu Jitsu. And I told them amazon.com. I forget the company, but to have up to a eight. If he's listening, they're very sweet, very nice. It was just a just a nice, easy fucking weekend, Felipe.

I can't work hard no more. What club were you at? Miami improv doesn't have a club. They use home crystal palace. Okay. There whatever that is, the crystal casino, I guess. And then they have, and that's for big, big acts. And then they have the pool hall.

That's where they put Rob Schneider, the guy from Johnny, whatever. Johnny boy, Johnny jumps off buildings. You know, oh, Steve. Oh, yeah. And I was there. Johnny boy, I was fucking I went through with Rodrigo the first time and it was Miami improv and hooked up with like one Cuban guy, right?

He'd like a big fan. He smoked his out on the, on the roof on the next door of the parking lot. And I remember we got there and I didn't know he was Cuban. You know, he was some other country, some other guy. He goes, bienvenidos a mi techo. And he took out a big ass bow. Then he gave me his card, right? And I still have the card and that card says he does roofing.

He does fencing, but the thing he wrote on the back. But what I really do is, and he wrote it like this, P-A-R-T-A-A. Part A. Part A. They love to party. He wanted to party. He went to the, with old lady the first night, falling in love.

Then we came back the last night with us and hung out with me and Rodrigo. We went back two years later. He was waiting for us like a soldier. You know, what I explained to them and I told the chick, I told the girl Melissa, who's very sweet. I go, this is a great club. You know, it's just a little too big. I had 325 seats.

But I just want you to know something. I just want you to know that 15 years ago, the Miami improv was one of the top 10 clubs in the country. 98, 99, that club was kicking. I was a bad ass fucking club. And then they started doing business dumb shit. But that was a great solid club. Never mind that you were in fucking Miami.

So I go to Miami. I go one week with somebody. I go for two weeks. Rogan's coming with Chris McGuire and I wait and I MC for them. And then I go home and they bring me back like six months later. And I get there on a Tuesday night and there's a girl sitting there with a guy. And we go out to the front. Everybody says hello.

They come over to me. I don't know who the headline was. I didn't headline in those days. I was always the feature. I went outside and they started talking to me. Okay. The next day because those days comedy started on Tuesday night. There was no Thursday.

Tuesday to Sunday. Tuesday to Sunday, Jack. Oh my God. By Friday, you will fucking hit yourself in the head with your fucking jokes. And then because yeah, I went there one time and then I went again. We joined Medina and Jeff Garcia, the devil. And figure out who is going to headline. That was a fucking crazy weekend.

But I went there and the second night the girl came back. And this time she came with a different guy. She said it was her brother or whatever. Then the third night she came with a bride, a girl. Now I didn't see her again. I didn't think nothing of it, guys. So Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday? Thursday, right.

Okay. Now, I don't know who the headline was. So Tuesday the next week opens up. Bam. She's there with a girl. We talk a little while. We get, yeah, wow, your name. Man, great.

I'm just a comedy fan. And I really don't have a life at night. These are my girlfriends. I want to show them that. You're funny. Oh, that's great. So next night, I think she comes back with a guy. Then the next night she comes back with a chubby chick.

Like a cute chubby chick. Oh, shit. Right. And they're talking to me and they're talking to me, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And all of a sudden we start talking about blow. And one thing leads to another. And they go, come on, come with us.

Party in the beach. I have a condo on the beach. I got champagne. I got more blow there if not we'll call. And I'm like, okay. And I'm going to be honest with you guys. The one girl was a fucking 12. The other girl was a chubby, cute girl.

She was a six, whatever happens, happens. But when I got in that car, I'm going to look at both of these in the face. I didn't think anything about fucking them or nothing like that. It started off as a, you know what? I got nothing to do tomorrow anyway on Thursday. What's all this? I got one show, you know? Yeah.

Even if I get fucked up and hungover, I'll come back. You know, no big, you know, I got to go out of my comfort zone. So I said, let me go to the beach with them. We got downstairs. The girl had the new fucking Audi. The other girl had the Mercedes. I got in the girl with the blonde girl with the Audi. He goes, come with me because she's drunk.

We start driving. In fact, we're going to go pick up more blow. I tell her, I only got like a hundred bucks. She's like, I don't need your money. She knows the guy. She goes over there, gets the fucking eight ball. We go back to a fucking place. We pull it.

It's a high rise, but she had her own garage type deal. Her garage opens up and she's got this Audi and some fucking Porsche, like a nice Porsche. Shit. And I go, why do you have these cars? What do you do? Are you a drug dealer? She goes, no, my father owns an Audi dealership or some shit.

Or he imports Audi's or some story. We go upstairs to her apartment. The apartment guys is banging. Big old fucking patio. She had a rack with Dom Perignon in it and wine and shit. I'm watching at that time, Conan O'Brien. It was one in the morning or maybe 12 at night in the east coast. And I'm sitting there fucking coked out to the gills and they're putting coke out.

And they're like, do you mind if we switch into different clothing? And I'm not the guys. I'm not thinking about, the chubby girl says she had a boyfriend. Yeah. The other girl didn't say nothing. So I didn't say nothing. Not even at all. Not even like maybe I'm going to blow job.

Nothing, nothing. In those days, I was so coked out, even if I could have got a blow job. My dick was fucking smaller than an inch. I was sitting there and joined and all of a sudden it's got to be four in the morning. I'm watching cable, whatever the fuck's on. They're pouring champagne. I'm drinking beer, champagne. I'm just tossing them back.

I'm starting to blow. I know these girls start taking off their clothes and start swapping spit 10 feet by me. They're going at it. They're swapping. What are they wearing? They took their shirts off. All right. And they're grabbing their tits and it's fucking tremendous.

I'm looking and making believe I'm looking at the thing. And the one girl takes the chubby girl's panties off and she's eating her pussy. And you can hear this shit. I'm sitting there doing lines of coke because they left a mountain of coke. I'm actually with a dish doing coke while they're going at it. And at this time, I don't know what to think. I'm like, I might get laid. I might not get laid, but I got to make it to the bathroom and jerk off and get my dick hard.

So when I come out here, I come out with a fucking, you know, with a gun, with bullets in it. I can't show this little dick in front of two chicks. And sure enough, they take that panties off. Now the other chick, the hot blond, has got a period. You can see a little string that she cut in half or something like that. And I'm like, oh God. But she's licking around it. She's licking her asshole and shit.

They get up without saying nothing to me and they go in the bedroom. I'm like, oof, I got out of that one. Now I'm starting to put bundles together. I'm starting to put coke in different bundles because I got to go. I'm taking some coke with me. Wait, two girls are going at it and you're just like, I got to get the coast. They're not even drunk, bro. When you're a junkie, you're a junkie all the way.

Fuck. Tell this fool when you're a jet all the way. And they put in some good ass shit too. So now the hot girl comes out and says, come on in here. Oh, shit. I come in here, take off your clothes. The chubby girl wants to fuck you. Oh, shit.

And they start fucking jerking me off. And the whole thing and nothing, nothing. My dick will not get hard. It is. Motherfucker. That ever sent me down. The chubby girl sucked it. The blonde girl sucked it.

It's I'm sorry. This is going this way tonight. But they like bitches. And I wasn't even going to talk about this. I just remember talking to Felipe because I know Felipe has been to Miami. He knows they're crazy. So now I go back in the living room and they're laying around drinking champagne. They got a huge dildo, like a two-way dildo.

So one gets on it. And the other one, they both fucked the dildo. Damn. And I'm sitting there going, oh my god, this is crazy, right? So they're tied. The sun's coming out. I'm still doing blow. There's still more blow left.

The chubby girl tries to sleep in the living room and the blonde goes into the bedroom. Something happens. The chubby girl leaves and the blonde girl comes out and gets me and says, come on. Put a condom on. And this time I get a hard on. So now I'm fucking around with the blonde girl. The chubby girl forgot her shoe or a fucking sandwich or whatever the fuck she forgot. And she sees me fucking the blonde and she goes off on me.

Damn. And the girlfriend, I like eating them on the fuckies boat. You both had this plan. That's why you drove without me. He never wanted to fuck me. You tricked me. You wanted. And I'm like, look at this shit.

I don't care who I fuck. Both of you is acute in my fucking world, you know. So I hook up with this girl this Thursday night. Then she comes to the improv Friday and picks me up. She comes Saturday, Sunday, every night. I go back to that condo and we do blown. We mess around and we talk about life. And she tells me she used to date David Lee Roth and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And at the end of that Sunday, she takes me out to dinner after the improv and goes, listen after tonight, lose my number. I'm getting married in two weeks. What? She goes, lose my number. I'm marrying some weather guy or something. Lose my number. It was great while it lasted.

I really dig your good luck in your career. That's it. I walked out there. I never thought about that brought again, never called, never did nothing. Nothing ever came of it. When Twitter got big, she never hit me up. When Facebook got big, she never hit me up. Friday night, I walk off stage, guys, second show.

And I'm walking towards the green room and some lady goes to turn around and she grabs my arm and she goes, how are you? And she gives me a hug. I'm like, good, good. And the guy next door puts it. He goes, that was great. And the other guy, that was great. And she goes, yes.

She goes, I met Joey about 15 years ago. We were friends at the improv. I would go to the improv and we'd have drinks together. She looked at me and she winked at me with one fucking eye. Like a soldier. She didn't look like her at all. No, she didn't look like that girl at all. What happened?

Got checked in? Got older, yeah. She was a mom now. Her hair was different. She didn't have glasses. That's what's up. It was crazy. It was fucking crazy.

Did any part of you think like you're going to have to tell her like, listen, I can't do it? No, I walked into, like, oh, great to see it. I walked into the green room and then I sat in there for a little while and I processed the whole thing. Yeah. And I said, okay, and I went back out there and she was gone. Just like that. That's crazy.

That is the craziest fucking thing that happened this weekend. There you have it. That's crazy, man. Me, I was at the Ice House. That's right. You were at the Ice House. I was at the Ice House this week and it was fun. We had an extra show on Saturday at 6 p.m.

So we did a 6 p.m. A clean one. 18. No, no, no. It was sold out. So we had an extra third show. Look at Felipe. Six shows, man.

Six or five. Six. Look at Felipe. So it was sold out. You did Thursday night too? Yeah. Oh, shit. Look at Felipe taking them deep into the fucking murky waters of the underworld and shit.

But on a Thursday show, man, like I remember when I was at Walk of Yachties, you know, I would always want to do any show that paid 50 bucks or more. I'm there, you know? And yours hit me up. So show over here in Hollywood, you know, Burbank, Burbank Hills, Hollywood Hills, it'll pay like 75 bucks, but it's at 2.30 in the morning. So I said, all right, so fucking with Stephen Fly, Rodrigo Torres, Chepo, Juan Garcia, myself.

Where? We drove to that gig. This weekend. No, this was like many years ago. It was like in 2000. Oh, I remember that gig. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

It was 2.30 in the morning. Yeah, did you go? Like a black club. No, no, that was a different one in Hollywood. That was a good luck club. Okay, that was one middle of the night, right? That one, I went to another one and it's like, bro, when I get there, there's like an undercover cop checking your mixture of no guns and you go inside here, man.

And they're parting, bro. I mean, they got arcades in there at 2.30 in the morning. Yes, bro. They had an arcade there outside. They had a bathroom stall. You know, normally when you party at a house, people pee outside. This guy installed bathroom stalls. So you could just pee on the side of the water, like you flush it.

So this party, and then the inside of the house was set up to look like 5 p.m. every day. He had nice lights. Anyway, I partied at this guy's house after the show. I didn't leave his house till noon the next day. I just stood there with him, you know, and he was talking to me, old Spanish guy, and I forgot about him, you know, because I don't want to go back over there because I don't want to party. I felt like Pinocchio.

You remember Pinocchio go to that party and then everybody's growing fucking, turning into donkeys. So I never thought about this guy. He I saw him at the show at the end of the show. He saw me and he opened up his jacket and he had a little vial that's nasal spray this week. Yeah, he has nasal spray in it. It's like a nasal spray jar, but cocaine. But that's cocaine.

Yes, cocaine and water. He goes, Hey, you remember me? And I said, Oh, wow, it's you, bro. I've been talking about you forever. And I told everybody, this is the guy. This is the guy. This guy had photos, bro. Of me pretending to be a bartender all fucked up by his house.

Fuck it. No spraying water. Is that like a nasal spray coke? Fuck. It's already mixed with the water. What the fuck? They probably, I don't, I don't know how they do it. I've had people had that before.

It was like, like, um, that nasal spray is for your nose, but it had like half all coke and some water in it. Fuck. I only get one of those a month. Like one every three months, a good one. Like somebody from the past will hit you up on Facebook and you're like, this is fucking tremendous. You know, and then you call them and then you're like,

this was a fucking mistake. Sometimes you call them back and then they're crazy now. They tell you about Martians or something. Yeah, I call the buddy of mine. It's crazy when I talk about that shit. I call the buddy of mine that I ran with every night for 10 years about three years ago. He was living in Long Beach. I had to hang up the fucking phone like make believe like we got no reception here

because it was fucking crazy. And it's about Martians and they invaded Long Beach dressed as Russians and shit. Martians dressed as Russians. That's what he was telling me. And he goes, a lot of people don't know, but I see it. Coco, I went to school for this. And I'm like, where'd you go to school? And he's telling me how he went to Jersey City State for his bachelors and

for alien hunting for something. And he goes and it was just crazy. So sometimes you got to watch, but it's great when you go like that girl. I didn't think nothing. I didn't when I closed the door to the green room is when I realized who she was. And I was like, oh my God, that was a long fucking time ago. That was a long time ago. That's you've been doing comedy a long time, a long time, you know,

be nice just to write a story about comedy, a book about comedy stories. Just from the beginning, like I still remember it was a Wednesday night at 11 when I got the page from David Tribble. Like I was sitting at the Wolf's house. I was at Mike Casano. Wolf, we were coming down off a blow attack. It was like 1130. And I got a call from David Tribble, like January, like February of 95.

St. Joey, I got six books. David Tribble. I've got six weeks of work for you if you have it right now. Open your book and me going, oh my God, this is real. Like this is real. Pocatello. The tour started in, the tour started in a base, an army base or some service base in Utah.

In Utah. That's where the first night was. Utah. I'm like, I thought that was just moments. No, this is an army base. I remember I died a slow death. It was like that bar that they used in Carlitos way. Yeah.

It looked just like that. Was that the one where the sergeant's wife gave you a blow job on stage? No, that's a, that's a nation's home. That's mountain home. That's mountain home. I don't know if it's Mount, no, Idaho. My home, Idaho, it's a type of service base. But that was on that run.

Like that was six weeks. That was the beginning of my comedy career. Six weeks in a fucking car that the axle was broken half and you couldn't hit a pothole or you were doomed, you know, with fucking just everything that your life needed in this car. I had everything in that car. Band-aids, a football, basketball, swimming fins, because you never know what you needed on the road and everything was placed perfectly.

Blankets, sleeping bags, you know, waterproof shit, socks, clothing, extra food in the back. When did you ever have to break out the swimming fins? I just, I had them from somebody gave to me when I was married. So I took them with me. They were fucking like $2,000 fins. They were beautiful. So I took them with me and God knows what happened to those things that got towed. But I was thinking about what I had back there.

I had a great basketball. I had maps. I had books, flashlights, every tool imaginable to fix a car. And I had it placed impeccably because if I used to get stuck on the road or I didn't want to, I didn't have money for a hotel. Who had money for a hotel, bro? You pulled over at a rest area, locked your doors, left your sunroof a little open and took your chances.

You slept like every 15th, you know, like 20 minutes shot, 20 minutes, 20 minutes until you heard birds and trucks pulling up next to you. It's a fucking horrible way to live. Holy fuck. Yeah. That's, and I did that. I used to have to go from Denver to Baltimore. That was my first real gig.

And along the way, I didn't have money for a hotel, hotel. Remember Lake Havasu? Lake Havasu. Damn, man. For water. We used to go Lake Havasu, bro. A lot. A lot.

50. So. For $150 in a room. Paula asked me today over the weekend randomly, how long did it take for a comedian to be like headlining? And I told her like around 10 years is what I've heard to like start. And she said like, how do they do it for that long for no money? Like when you're sleeping on the side of the, on the side of the highway in a car,

why aren't you just like, let me go sell drugs again. Let me freaking roof again. It was hard, man. That's, that's crazy. And I had to do, I remember pulling over because there was no rest area and leaving the car on and sleeping and waking up and thinking that you fell asleep driving. You don't know what that feeling is like. That's why I never slept on the road again because you have to keep the heat on

with the gas running. So you'd wake up and also you'd pop up and you grab the steering wheel. And that was the scariest feeling I ever had in my fucking life. I remember, I used to get so happy because this guy started a show on Friday nights. Latino night. I forgot his name. He was crazy. But man, it was crazy.

Like that was the only time I ate pasta with shrimp. Remember, we were sure about the improv and they had to, they had to have warm bread. And then we were eating up one of two plates, me, you and then Gavin. Then you go, you talk Gavin, man, come on, man. But we were going to pass by right now. You think I'm sharing, you think I'm sharing plates and you get pissed off. That was yeah. Yeah.

Because if you did a spot at the improv, you got to get a big dinner, dude. They don't have the soup, big shrimps though. You look down on your plate and it's some convenience or it's that's one of your shrimps. You know, they used to tell you, listen, this gig only pays 50 bucks. So it's all you could eat and all you could drink. And you're like, fuck it. I'm getting mine. You know, and they'll give you a whole top room.

You went, you brought a gram of coke because you knew you could fuel that with alcohol. They didn't give a fuck. Let's say you got paid 100 bucks. You gave the bartender 10 bucks. You drank all fucking night on that 10 bucks. Five. It's fucking hard. I love them people.

And like whenever I get to go with you somewhere or just go to the green room, they always think it's still like that. And it's like, it's, it couldn't be more opposite of that now. It's just crazy to hear those stories because I've never once seen you go anywhere but the hotel after a show. Yeah. But I've never, even when in those days, I never partied in the green room. Well, I'm not saying you partied in the green room, but it was no snow.

There was, I didn't do a line till after I got off that second fucking show. Okay. When I got off that second show, as soon as I got off stage, there was no talking to people. There was no pictures. There was no goodbye. There was no nothing. I went straight to the condo and I had my plan already laid out. I already had the coke laid out, the alcohol.

I was a professional. I did that shit in the afternoon. All that shit was in my hotel room in the afternoon. You have all set up for you? The one I drove crazy was Joe Rodin because I disappeared. He knew. Yeah. For years when Joe Rodin get off the stage, the first thing he said,

I was, where's Joe Diaz? He left. Fuck. That motherfucker left. You know, it's, I didn't think of anything else. There was a time period where I didn't think of nothing but party. I met one on the road with that girl, Jodie Ferdig, for six weeks, but we did three weeks of triple runs.

We fucking drank hard, fuck. Every night, you drink hard with Jodie. I'm talking about a bottle of to vodka and a case of beer. That's hard with a couple of bumps. I joined the two, four or five packs of cigarettes. Oh yeah. Every night? Every night.

We'd sleep Saturday night. We wouldn't party and we may take the first night off of like Tuesday night, the first night of the triple run when El Paso and El Paso, you went to El Paso to do one thing. When you went to El Paso, Texas in those days, it was to do one thing. What's that? Snort blow and get your butt poll smoked. And eat RBS and eat the words.

And that was, that was a Tuesday through Sunday. It was Sunday gig. Fuck. You left Monday morning. No, there was some rough gigs. Miami, there was some towns that you went to and you knew you were going to party fucking hard. You know, you used to have a good club.

They're still there, but they're very clean now, Myrtle Beach. When I went to Myrtle Beach, it was a fucking on. It was six days of fucking constant drinking. The club didn't pay you a lot of money, but they had all these deals in Myrtle Beach. So if you sat down for two hours and got an ear beating, they give you $300. Oh, one of those things.

One of those things. So we do two of those fuck. I'll take it for 300. I'll let you fucking give me an ear beating about whatever the fuck you want. Do credit up on me. You ain't getting nowhere. So I'll still have Easter. I thought about doing that for those $99 flights to Hawaii.

What do you have to do? It's like a, it's like a time share thing. And apparently they get really mean. Like if you start saying no, they'll go to your wife and be like, how are you with this loser of a guy? But apparently at the end of it, it's like $99 flights to Hawaii. So that'd be amazing. So you have to take an ear beating for how long?

I don't know how long it is. Probably around the same thing. And it's time sharing Hawaii. Yeah, that's what I heard. Whoa. That's what it is. You think I ever get a time share for it? Hell no.

Fuck that shit sharing your fucking place with some filthy fucking animals. They got licensed and shit up there. What's up, dawg? What's up? What's up? You doing commercials and shit? I'm doing two commercials, man. I'm playing fit.

I'm playing fit by that team. I also did a target commercial. Oh, cool. I did a target commercial with Laura Lapkis from... And when you're talking about that chubby girl and that hot chick, is that how you came up with a joke? Yes. Sometimes you gotta go to heaven.

You gotta go to hell before you go to heaven. I'm out here fucking the hot one. And I'm looking at the side of her Van Gogh. Something. I wrote a bit about it. I wrote a bit about it. Yeah, because the other one was like Van Gogh with a bad nose. And they were doing clothes like that.

You see, it was fucking horrible. It was a hard... I couldn't get a hard dick. That doesn't sound hard. Oh, yeah. I guess that's hard. Houston, man. It's a place to party to.

Houston, Austin. I used to get fucked up in Austin. Yeah. But I used to get some good coke in Houston by the time I got to the hotel, to former ring at the hotel, because the manager of the club sold it. Really? He called me and said,

it's ready for you when you get to the club. You had a relief. You had a set. And that's tremendous when a manager sold it to you because... You'd have to search. You had no. And you had till Saturday to pay him off. So you kept cash all week.

He knew where your check was coming from. So as soon as you got your check, you said to her, you told me you only give me cash, and you'd pay him on the way out of town. Jesus. Tremendous. But I used to get fucked up in Houston. Oh, my God.

He used to nice to call the guy at four, and I'd stand outside in the street and he'd bring it to me. Fucking tremendous. Oh, that's right. You went crazy in Houston. What happened? You went crazy. I went crazy in Houston, man.

Like, I was already like a party animal in 2004, 2005. I had fought off the wagon. And then I ran out of stuff. So I called up Joe Diaz and I hooked up with some little ass Mexican fool man in a hotel room. And then after that, me and some cowboy comedian with bad feet. Jenkins, I don't know his name. He's still out there.

No, the one that got married to the girl from the last time. Rachel. Yeah, with that dude. I forgot his name. Him and I met Billy Wayne. Billy Wayne. Billy Wayne. I kidnapped that fool for like eight hours.

You didn't have to kidnap him. That motherfucker was down, dog. Yeah, he was ordered to be to the hotel. We were partying, bro. When he started snorting dogs, you got down. I remember we did a 10-hour drive to Midland, Texas. He snorted the whole way, listened to Tupac. We don't give a...

He's a country dude. We were snorting to Midland, listening to Tupac. He picked me up. That's a 10-hour drive from Houston, Texas to Midland. He picked me up in the middle of the night, like 11 o'clock. And I'm like, what are we doing? You want me to drive? He's like, fuck no, I got everything ready, man.

His eyeballs were fucking gigantic. And he's like, man, I got like an eight ball and a couple grand spare. Let's just do it. We snorted the whole fucking way to Midland, because we got there to do radio. So we had the whole day to sleep. So we fucking drove 10 hours straight.

We stopped twice to fill up the tank. We were gigged up to the gaggles. So you went from driving 10 hours to do that gig in Midland to hook up with more shit with Jenkins? Was it the Jenkins gig? Yes. Yes. That was the place where the DEA would raid the place

while you were on stage. It was fucking, listen, that Jenkins guy got arrested for when you get married to two people at the same time. Polygamy. Polygamy. So he had a wife in San Antonio, and he had a wife in Midland, Texas. That's always crazy when people do that.

This guy was crazy. He said he was a magician. He was fucking horrendous. He was horrendous at every level. He was a nice guy, but as soon as you got there, I had never seen this. This is the first time this ever happened to me, ladies and gentlemen. Midland, Texas.

You get there, you check in, he calls you. It's going to be a great room. You're going to love it. You get there, and when you get to the green room, he will come up to you and put an eight ball right in your hand. And he would have one, you would have one, and the feature would have one. So do you know that the first night he did his eight ball

before the show ended? Damn. Two shows ended. That's fast. On the stage. Who? Blastin. Blastin in the green room.

He did it. He came back to me and said, can I get it? The guy you drove with? No, Jenkins. Oh, Jenkins. He came back to the green room and said, can I get a half of what I gave you? Damn.

Even I didn't do that much. He was on stage doing everybody's material. And his jaw was fucking going. His jaw was going. And the bar was on by a Mexican dude with big hats and cowboy boots and shields pointing. Oh my God. It was fucking on.

It was on. And they paid me. I think it was 800 to headline. And what's his name? Got four, the feature. But every night you got there, and that was the deal. You got an eight ball every fucking night. So Friday and Saturday gave you a fucking eight ball.

And it wasn't really that good, but nobody really gives you an eight ball anymore. So at least he can carry it. You know what I'm saying? Me too. Like when I went to do the show there, Nodesa. That's like the next day.

Oh, shit. Yeah. I kid you not. Like it paid like, I don't know what it, I forgot like it paid like rum. Maybe he paid for your flight. So he gave you at the end of the week, 1500 or 1200. Man, I kid you every night,

there was like 12 people there, nine people, Friday night, big show, 12 people, and the owners in the back just laughing, enjoying the show. You know, some places, you know, people are scared because it's empty. You know, the place is empty. I'm losing money.

The owner's having a good time. At the end of the week, he just paid me in all 20s. And then later on, everybody, I found out a year later that everybody that was involved in that club went to prison, including, including what's his name? Tom Federich. Oh, that was the owner who invited, who come here in my hotel room

and invited me to a dog fight. He goes. Where's Selena from? Selena from Corpus Christi. That was good. I party there too hard for her, man. That was a room that was run by the cartel. The Mexican cartel?

Where's Jerry Roach's from? That's where they are. Where's Jerry Roach's from? I don't know. I think Corpus Christi. No, he's from the town down. He's from... McAllen?

No, border. Yes, around borders where they shoot people, people go disappearing and shit. How did McAllen, Texas? Corpus Christi. Marilyn and I, Marilyn Martinez, God bless us all. And I did a gig that was beautiful.

It was a joint Medina friend gig. And it was two floors and people sat on top. It was like an old, where people go to get ice cream. And they sit in chairs. What do you call those places in the 50s? Ice cream parlor? A soda pop, like an ice cream parlor. Oh, soda?

So does it, whatever? And the guys built a second floor to it. So it was like a stage. It was fucking beautiful. But that place was... The owners were jazzed up. But that Saturday, I think it was Thursday through Saturday, that Saturday, the owners gave me and Marilyn

some of the best cocaine I ever did in my life. It was a yellow, yellow, chunk sour. This had to be 98, 99, maybe 2,000 when I first started dating Terry. But the craziest gig of them all, the last 10 years, was the one in Iowa. Oh, that's Whitey's Bar and Grill? What's the name of the kid with the fucking crazy place in Iowa?

Do Kent's Iowa or something? You know, the Mexican kid that picks you up is finally owns only Mexican restaurant in that neighborhood. I don't know. It's two planes. You have to fly into Chicago, then take a small plane to the outskirts of Illinois. And he picks you up and drives you across the border

to Indiana now, where he's from. That's a Mike E.O. Mike E.O.? No, no, no, no, that's not a Mike E.O. Alex Ortiz? It's an... Yes, it's one of his buddies. So the guy...

Joy Villagobins? No, the guy used to do comedy once. It was one name to fucking tell you. You know, like Sammy de Bogovano, while dropping all these names. Fucking... They fly you in and ride at the airport. The guy pays you.

That's the dude you said they wanted to bring me over and they pay you in cash, Felipe. You call me up in the middle of the night, boy, you want Felipe, got the guy right here. They fucking pay you in cash, bro. He showed up in Vegas. They love you, but they got mesquits over here. Oh, my God.

It's a taco place in a white neighborhood. And they've been there for 2,000 years. Like, it's like third generation Mexican or some shit. And they have two places, but they do comedy in one place. They're not console lovers, are they? No, it's him and his brother. And they had a bar, you land in Chicago, then you take another flight to the outskirts of Illinois

and they bring you across the border. But when he was pumping gas, he goes, you know what we're known for? This is the meth capital. Oh, fuck. Okay, so we start talking, blah, blah, blah. And he goes, listen, I have an envelope for you. But he gives me cash, he gives me weed.

And he goes, when you get to the thing, they'll be the blow for you. I'm good. I'm good. I don't do it no more. He goes, oh, no, no, I heard that. I go, yeah, I did. But no, I stopped about a year ago.

I just stopped or something. Now, there's only two flights out of there on a Sunday. And I had like a huge audition Monday. There's two flights out of there Sunday. So I'm sweating this already. This flight's at 5.58 in the morning. It's one of those little fucking jets. Two propellers?

Two propellers. And if not, you got to wait till like fucking 10 o'clock that night. So I tell him this. I go, listen, bro, you know, then he goes, oh, yeah, yeah. And we get to the fucking bar. And the first show was cool. It was a regular show.

But after the parents leave, they were, it was a line to go to the bathroom to do blow. I hadn't seen something like that since I was a kid. Since I was like 82 when cocaine was very prevalent. It was out there. And you go to bars and it's like you stepped into a fucking twilight zone. Everybody's jaw was going.

Everybody's fucking was drooling, smoking cigarettes. Their noses were leaking. Everybody's going in and out of the fucking bathroom. Last night, people are hugging. It's just too fucking surreal. Hell yeah. This place turned into that for the second show. Lee in such a way that I was on stage

and I could see people's jaws going. I could see drinks that were half full. Jeff Dunham with no puppets. When you see people with drinks that are half full, that's how you know there's blow and shit around. And you were just a look at your end sobriety? Yeah. And I'm looking.

I'm not calling it sobriety. I'm calling it not doing blow. I'm still smoking weed with eight hands. That's true. And I'm looking around. I'm not being hypocritical, but I hadn't seen that in such a long time. Yeah.

And when I got upstairs, they're like, Hey man, let's party. And then people were grabbing me and giving me ferociously of beatings. And finally I told the owner, I go, Hey man, because he started partying. I go, dog, make sure you're there anymore. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll be there.

That motherfucker showed up late. He did a hundred all the way to fucking airport and got me there. Bailey let me on to the plane. I tormented that guy. He kept calling me for like two years. I want you to come back. Fuck you.

That was the land of the fucking surreal, my friend. That was heavy duty, man. I couldn't handle that shit ever again like that. That was too real. Too fucking real. Felipe, drop it on me. Cock-a-duck-a. You're a deaf mute.

Did she but you hit you already? Kind of a little bit, man. What were you on before that? What were you smoking before that? Nothing. So mom, what's the lighter? What's in the green thing with the lighter? Oh, it's an empty lighter.

It needs to refilm one of those little cartridges. Okay, well, okay. And what's the lighter? What's the green thing on the lighter for? The lighter is for when you pack the bowl, you just stack it like this or this or two. Very nice. Somebody give it to me.

Oh, very nice. Okay. How you feeling? Fuck off. I'm really fucked up. You really feel you're not fucked up. You had 10 milligrams. No, I didn't.

I had like 30 milligrams. No, I was nothing. You look like a Chinese guy now with that little hat. Oh, God, yeah. That little fucking hat. He's a fucking tail with stars on it. He could whip you with it and shit like that. What else been going on?

What are you hearing? I'm getting married in December 13th. You don't, you know what? I think I may be available. Where's the wedding at? At Eagle Rock. And where's the reception? Eagle Rock, same spot.

As soon as we get married, you're going to open up the chairs. The same spot turns into the reception hall. Is it vegan? Vegan and non-vegan. What's the non-vegan menu? Pasta with sausages and meatballs, garlic bread salad.

No, don't get me wrong. And where's the wedding cakes? Where's the Mexican food? The wedding cake going to be vegan. Oh, Jesus. And, um... He's not going now. Where's the Mexican food, though?

Oh, where were we? I eat Mexican food every day. Nah, your mom ain't making something special? No, she ain't making nothing. You're not going to get something catered for the fucking non-spaghetti eating motherfuckers? Nah. Maybe I'm not eating, but I'm going to a Mexican wedding, though.

Get over powers to white side. You got to have something. You got to have something for the fucking Spaniards, though. You can't do this to me. Something. I don't want to eat spaghetti. We'll put a taco truck right outside. No, no, no.

No taco truck. Somebody make some sauce. Some red sauce with some beef. That's a Mexican rice and stuff. We brought you today a vegan carnitas today. Lisa made a big batch of jackfruit tacos. Oh, you're hurting his feelings. It took her three hours to do, man.

And it spiced it up. It tastes like... It's pretty good. And Lisa made a tofu? No. Jackfruit. Jackfruit. Yeah.

What's jackfruit? Jackfruit is this fruit that only grows in China. It comes in a can. It costs three dollars. It looks like an artichoke. And you got to break it up like weed and mash them all up and take all the water out. And then add spices.

And it starts looking like pork. It has the same texture as pork. You know the way pork tastes like without no flavor, without just salty. So you add flavors to it and marinate it. You soak the water out again. It's a long process. And then you refried it again and you deep fried it.

And man, it tastes very good. It tastes like carnitas. If you forgot what carnitas is, it tastes good. I'm going to ring you one, man. What are you going to snap out of this fucking shit? I love you like a brother. What are you going to snap out of this? I like my shit to come up smooth, bro, like dairy.

What's smooth? What fucking smooth? You know? So you got to have a little red sauce and some rice. We do have red sauce. We do have rice. We have some maltes and some tamales. Well, not tamales, but tortillas.

And we'll salsa maybe, some spicy. I'm not asking you to spend 10 Gs. I'm asking you to go to, what's that place in Southern Margaritas out on Western? Oh, Cholo. And Cholo. Oh, Cholo. They cater all the time.

Tell me one with salsa, a little rice, a little beef dish. That's all right. Some people don't want to eat spaghetti. I think we are going to have empanadas for desserts, not for hors d'oeuvres, empanadas. If you guys only listen to this show, I need you to go to YouTube and watch this show right now because your face looks like he kicked all of your cats in the face.

And they're going to have them. We're going to have a section. We're going to shoot themselves. We're lemonade, and a punch, coffee, and a bunch of cookies, you know, a bunch of cookies, black and white cookies, you know, even in New York. Listen, please. Miss Cody.

Please have some green chili enchiladas for some people. Just got one try. I eat that shit all the time. It's not what you're going to eat. It's not what you're going to eat. It's not about you. You're inviting your friends into your life and your culture. What the fuck?

You're not going to have no mariachis either? They won't go. There's no fucking vegans. They're vegans. You got to have a little green chili burritos with some carne. Nothing expensive. I'm not talking about fucking shrimp cocktails all the fucking,

you know, with the fucking sauce. You don't eat that either no more? What? A nice shrimp cocktail from El? No, shrimp is meat. It's a fish. I don't eat any animals. How do you give up all that great Mexican food?

Like all the stuff Paula's mom spent? She made me tacos dorados like a few weeks ago. I mean, I still eat that. You know, like I eat tacos dorados, but they're made out of potato. I've had that when I was a kid anyways. And I don't eat as far as ceviche, you know, that stuff. I still eat ceviche, but it's made out of coconut.

I mean, it's not a coconut like from a coconut you buy. It's a young coconut. It's like fresh. It's smooth. It feels like and then you break it up. Nothing replaces shrimp on a ceviche. Nothing, nothing, nothing. Maybe lobster from fucking the northeast or something.

Vegan ceviche is pretty good. Oh, God Almighty Philippe. It tastes good. Just do me a favor, please. Don't insult me. I'm going to go to this wedding. You can't have spaghetti and meatballs though. Listen.

I don't know what it is. It's another sausages somewhere. Listen, forget all that shit. Michael Corleone hasn't gotten married in 30 years. All right. Even I did the rent. I did a low rent wedding. I had corneas.

I had carnitas from the Cuban place. I had pastrami from Languages. I had something for everybody. I had something else. We ordered something else. You got to have something for everybody. But you got vegan and that doesn't fly at a wedding. Also be buffet too.

So. Oh, well, whoop the fucking dude. I'm just forgetting to like. It's going to be like shakey so you can eat buffet. Shit, everybody throw me some fucking modules, bro. Please, please. Just go ahead. Tell Lisa you just add an Ocho lo to your fucking wedding list.

Okay. I'll tell that what you can do. The green cheese enchiladas with some white rice, with some Mexican rice, and some tortillas. That's it. I don't want you to go overboard. I'm not asking you for some shrimp cocktail. Some tamales maybe?

Not even. That's how light I am because those things are expensive. But not a bad idea because you could be giving them up and you could put pineapple in them and fruit. But you could also have red ones and green ones. Not a bad idea. Forget the enchiladas. Hit a couple tamales.

Two dozen a piece. What do you call it? $0.50 a piece, Felipe? Jesus Christ. And some Spanish rice. I'd be so fucking happy. I feel like I went to a cultural thing. I don't want to go to a Mexican wedding

and eat fucking spaghetti, dog. It insults my fucking inner being. I have to scratch up peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, bro. I do want to know what you're saying. Here you go. A little something to break up. I really have a hole in my fucking heart right now from this conversation.

To roll a number. That's it. Keep playing it, you fuck. I'm going to get the full patwana. I'm going to get filled up again. How do people do this to me? I don't ask for much. Every time Felipe comes,

it's something amazing happens. The black lady knocking on the door. No, it's vegan. I can't sleep tonight. I'm going to take a free sleep on toast. Oh, my God. I'm going to become a wedding cleaner. People will listen to the fucking boat.

Oh, man, they're expensive, man. I won't even want to be expensive. I just want a TV show right there. I just rather not have people embarrass themselves. If I go to your wedding, there's not a stitch in Mexican food. I would be so fucking upset. I would be so upset like my heart would ache.

I would sit there and I would look at it. And that would be embarrassed. Like she said, well, because my wife don't understand it either. She looked at me and said, what are you talking about? Felipe is your friend. He has no Mexican food here.

You don't understand what that means to me. I need something, a little piece of something to represent. I need somebody to shoot a gun, you know? I need some Mexican. How about a tapatilla, bro? You can put it in a pasta. No, I don't want no fucking tapatillas.

God damn it. Why are you doing me like this? I thought you were going to leave that vegan shit alone on the day of your wedding. God damn it. People still don't believe you might tell them I'm vegan. They tell me you're vegan,

but you're fucking fat. What do you eat? Crops? Oreos, man. They're not vegan. Are vegan. So are you not Oreos? What kind of Oreos?

Oreos. Oreos. Oreos cookies? Those are the best. Well, put those at the wedding, too. Throw in one of those. They'll be at the cookie section, right next to the black and whites.

Rice, Felipe. You can't do this to me. No, Pandul said nothing, bro. No, you got to have all that something. Your family's going. Yeah, my mom's going. And you're going to feed them fucking spaghetti? Are you fucking serious?

When does this shit end? Give him Trace Leche's cake. That's great. That would be good for all the non-vegan people. Come on, Felipe. You got a month to change this, man. The wedding cake going to be barmed, man. You like it.

Listen. I'm going to diet that week. I just want to eat that. It's the top layer, the cake zucchini cake. Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. This is what I'm talking about. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Tomatoes, spice cake. Oh, I'm so embarrassed. All the cookies are vegan. Oh, so how am I going to eat Oreos? Huh? Oh, I'm so embarrassed. My face turned red.

I can't take it no more. He's killing me with this fucking wedding menu, Felipe. Come on. We're going to have a just-to-revert-dweet magic. No, you're not. No, you're not. I called up somebody to get a magician to walk around doing hand magic, and then just to reverse it,

why don't I do it? So he's been bugging me. I've been Patrick Digg here for about a week. Where is Patrick Digg? I don't know, man. You know, I hosted the, I also, I hosted the Laughlin Comedy Festival. Did I tell you that?

Yeah, you're telling me. It's tremendous. It was crazy, bro. Some of that comics I never heard of were hilarious. All right. The winner was a guy named Dale Jones, bro. He was a cross between Jeremy Hutz and Greg Hahn. Put them together.

Dale Jones. I knew it. Dale Jones in Boulder, Colorado. You know him? Hamburger Hill. Now, he's about 50 now. He went to Vietnam. He ain't no comedian.

He was fucking going crazy in the movie. That ain't the way it is. He was going crazy on stage. I took him to see Hamburger Hill. He kept bothering me for weeks. When Hamburger Hill comes out, this guy brought his medals in. He brought his fucking pictures in with him and the Marines

at the top of Hamburger Hill. And they made a movie that didn't include him. He went to the movies with me and three, 10 minutes into the movie, this motherfucker went off at the movie theater. Fuck you. They had to call the cops. The cops asked me if I knew him.

I don't know nobody, you understand? They fucking arrest him. I saw him two days later at the work at the Dodge store. That was one of the craziest jobs I had. I used to work at Hollister, Chrysler Plymouth, but they also owned a Dodge store. Colorado? Colorado and bold. I was one of my second car salesman job.

I snorted so much coke there. There was a guy who wouldn't take his coke home and leave it hiding in the ceiling. And I would go early and go in the ceiling, take the coke out and put aspirin in and put it back in the ceiling. Oh my God, I used to torment. And then they had the keys to the soda machine.

So the fucking soda man wouldn't take, he would take the change but leave dollars. And I would steal the dollars and go eat breakfast with Georgie. Fucking unbelievable. I ran that place a mug. You had adventures everywhere you went. Like no one has adventures like this. Georgie had, Georgie had two of the cars.

Georgie was the lock guy. So he would take the cars and park them across the street and rent them out to strippers at the bus stop for $30 a day and shit. Fucking tremendous. I got a piece of that action. And he said he couldn't eat and people said they can't get jobs. And they couldn't fucking, they couldn't find license plates.

Whenever you're a dealer, you have dealer license plates. Georgie used to steal them and put them on all the bitches' cars. The bitches would be driving their cars with the dealer plates on them and shit. Fucking tremendous, dog. There was a bank robber who worked there, an ex-bank robber. He was 30 years, came out of jail. He was like 60 when he worked there.

That was the most unique. Eclectic set of people I had ever seen in my life, believe me. But I fucking enjoyed it. What are you doing, Leigh? I'm doing good. I ain't gonna talk about the wedding no more because I'm back to being normal again. Because that money, that shit took me down.

I haven't been that down since, I don't know. Since what's the name of the pussy no more? About 15, 20 years ago. That's fucked up on a girl. Good, so I'm gonna get to our, I'm gonna talk about our wedding rings. They made them, celery? No, actually, they're made of stainless steel.

The diamonds don't come from Africa where people get killed. Where'd they come from? They come from Jersey. No, it was just a regular ring, nothing big. I don't want no big ass ring. There was some big old earthquake ring. Did you do the paperwork on the diamond? Doing that tomorrow.

To make sure it, nobody was there. To make sure no black people died. Nobody got a bola. Nobody got a bola, bro. Digging out this fucking diamond this shit. What the fuck you laughing about, Lee? It's the truth. They're dying for, they're dying.

I don't think there's a good healthcare in the diamond mines of Africa. People are dying for this glass right here, for this fucking phone. Yeah, but I can't change my phone. If they told you that to make your iPhone, 10 Chinese people died. Would you still fucking talk on the phone?

You wouldn't give a fuck about 10 dead Chinese people? We all wouldn't. That's how selfish we are. We never think of something like that. They don't care. Where's the iPhone factory where people jump off the building? Yeah. Yeah, like Fox, Commie, they have to put nets

because so many people did it. That's fucking crazy. Do what? They have nets from the building. That's how I'm going to do it. I'm going to give you so many netables. To one day you eat a netable and jump out the window, like the priest in the exorcist.

When I went to DC last week, I went to go visit those stairs, as a matter of fact. The stairs where the priest jumped off in the exorcist. Get the fuck out of here. I was there, bro. Come on. I had the fucking phone right here. Who the fuck do you think you're dealing with here?

Some novice. I didn't know that and I just dropped that. Like fuck it. Yeah, man. The 2900 Prospect Avenue in Georgetown. Is the building still there? The house is still there? The house is not there.

The stairs is where the priest jumped off. Jumped out the window and the cop too. The cop was out of there and the fucking... Did you see that movie, Emily? That's just you. They're like 72 stairs. Like a year ago when I first started dating Paul. They're like 72 stairs there and it was crazy.

Oh, shit. I got one more netable left for me. No, you don't. No, you don't. Here it is. Look, stay away from me. Got it right there, player. Oh, shit.

Did they clean the blood up? Yeah. Oh, my God. You walked up the stairs? There it is. Prospect Street. Oh, shit. Look at Felipe.

Fucking tourist. He's going to take very crisis jobs soon. What? What? No. Oh, shit. You know who else came to my show, man? A lot of people from Manabello.

From Wakayotes. A lot of those bikers showed up. You know, the bikers, you see, they showed up deep, bro. They're all like in their 40s, late 40s now. Son's anarchy. The Mayans? No, the Mongols. The Mongols showed up.

Yeah, they showed up. The Mayans, the Mongols. The Mongols. Stop it. Stop it, bro. Lee was going to be a biker, but his fucking wheels fell off, so that was the end of that fucking thing. What's up, Lee?

Look at you. You're a little yarmulke representing Israel in the house. What's going on in Israel this week? What's going on this weekend? Nothing good. Who's throwing rocks, bro? Who's throwing rocks? Everybody.

Oh, you fucking people. I love it. How are you feeling, Lee? What's on the agenda this week? What's his what? Lee's got to go to a fucking... Tell him what wedding you're going to. I have a wedding in Vermont this weekend.

Tell him what fucking Harvey Homo signed up. I told him he would have done cheaper. He would have sent 300 in the mail and said, I love you, but I'm busy. Is it a vegan wedding? No, not at all. Fuck no. You're the only one who does those and shit.

Stop it. But they're having it on a Sunday, so maybe that equals vegan. So, yeah, I just... No, that'll be fun. I mean, I've never been in a wedding before. Why is it fucking fun? I don't know.

I do... I am... I just found out I have to miss a freaking Tom Brady paid manning game next Sunday because of the wedding. That's... That's pit. What are they playing at?

New England. Oh, shit. Yeah. What time is the game, man? Four o'clock is the game. What time is the wedding? Probably the same thing. Oh, see, they fuck every...

They didn't check the schedule. See? Well, they're only football. You fucked up completely, dog. I'm all right. Send the nickel next time. Next time I will. Send the nickel and your condolences.

Send the yarmulke. What's up, dog? Tell me something good. What's up, fool? I can't call it no more. Oh, you over there fucking bringing me down. Bring me out, you fuck. Tell me something good.

What's happening? I'm going to be at Fort Myers, bro. Fort Myers what? Fort Myers, Florida at the Off the Hook Comedy Club. Come on. Next month in November. Come on. And then Pleasant and Tommy Tease.

I'm bringing Armando Cosillo. Oh, shit. What about New Year's? What year? New Year's Eve, bro. I'm going to be able to have the savages over there and fucking Reno, Nevada with your boy, Wayne Wright. Come on.

What's the name of the club? The Underground? The Underground Comedy Club. What's the name of the new year's Eve? I'm going to be there for New Year's Eve. Just New Year's Eve? Wednesday night? Wednesday night.

Two shows? Two shows. Halloween, bro. I'll be walking around with Hollywood on shrooms. Nah, I'm just kidding. I wish. No. That's where I'll be, though.

Where's Hollywood? Vegan, yeah. The shrooms aren't vegan. Shrooms aren't vegan, bro. So what's the problem? Pop some shrooms at your ass. I don't know, man. Who's got them, bro?

Ari. Ari? All right. You're not going to go see Ari for the taping of a special at the Comedy Store? When is it? Wednesday night. We're going to be at the ice house.

We should go check out Ari. He's got chocolate with mushrooms and a vegan. You eat fucking chocolates all over. He only gave me a little piece. Yeah, but he gave it to me without me knowing what it was. He's like, here, eat this. How did you feel?

I was actually pretty nice, because he didn't give me enough to get it. No. I felt like a light high, but it was so fun. You didn't see the devil, because I didn't want to take him that deep. Not that. You didn't see me.

Not that. No. So then your New Year's were Wayne. That's good, man. So New Year's Eve, I'm there. I'm going to be at Pleasanton, Tommy Tease. Off the Hook Comedy Club. It was Fort Myers in November.

November. How many planes you got to take to get down there? Oh, man. I'm probably going to fly to Miami and then Fort Myers. Okay. I know it's like two planes, but it's a good club, Eric. It's a good club.

So many clubs are opening up, you know. What else is opening up? What's the new club? New club over there. Jim Belushi opened up a club in Fort Myers, too. Come on. It's called Belushi's. And he had a lot of SNL stuff inside the club.

That's another club. And there's another guy named Rick Bronson. I don't know if you know him. Oh, he was only here. He opened up in Arizona, yeah. He's got a great club in Minneapolis. I've never done that. I've been wanting to go to.

I've never been to the Midwest, Joey. You work Toledo? No. I've never been to Toledo. What about, uh, have you worked, you don't work Arizona for nobody? Yeah, we're 10 p.m. problem every year.

Right. Then you can't work Rick Bronson. You're good. Yeah. You're good to go. What were you going to work at the next couple of weeks, Lisa? Yeah.

We have the live podcast next week. Yeah. This week. Wednesday. This week. Two days before fucking Halloween and you don't know next week. Look at that.

I'm so hot. No, it's kind of interesting. You brought that up. I was watching a show today and it was Anthony Bourdain. He was talking to this economist and he was like, there's seven billion people now. There's not that many jobs.

Like we don't have that need for people. And like you were talking about how comedy used to start on a Tuesday and now it's kind of like adapted to like this. Like what do you think about like in the future? How what comedy is going to look like? Maybe you won't travel. Maybe you'll just do live streams in the cities on like from here.

Like I was just thinking like how it like evolves to fit the needs. I'll do a pay-per-view, bro. That'd be fun. We'll do live camera with a live audience and have people just pay five bucks to stream it live. Like stream it live, but get a real big sponsor to pay for it all and then you get your cut.

I think they did it like that at a concert for that Coachella show. Okay. One of those gum places. They bought the whole show and they aired it live from the internet on YouTube and they got to see the whole concert. The only the only issue is is now you go on the week every you go on the road every week to different cities. If you did a TV like an online pay-per-view thing,

everyone watched it at once. Yeah, that's it. So you couldn't do it every week. You have to come up with a new material every week to make it interesting. If you're a fan of somebody, you know for three bucks, if I could see Lee Syat do Toledo and then Lee Syat do Minneapolis for three bucks, why not tape it for three bucks, come home later that night, put it on, laugh a little bit.

It's three bucks. It's three bucks, a special course, you whatever. You know, when I travel, I see the same people over. They hear some of the same jokes over. They're not going to fucking go crazy. Turn that thing off please. They're not going to fucking go crazy. It's the, you've got to sell them the sizzle with stand-up.

They could see stand-up on a million fucking channels now, Felipe. People could see anything. I remember on Monday night football was huge. I remember when you saved money, when you had to make a choice between going out on Sunday or going out on fucking Monday. You had to make a choice. Like I'm going to put away 40 bucks, plus maybe somebody will split a gram of Coke with me, 20 bucks to drink.

You know, Monday night football was huge. God forbid somebody place gave food away. We used to go to the ground round. They used to give out meatballs and a little grilled cheese sandwich. That's where you went and you had cocktails. What happened on Monday night football? It's dead. Tuesday nights, you know, if you have a bar today,

what is your lineup of the bar? Let's say Felipe, five years from now, moves to Pleasanton, California, buys rooster tea feathers. Yeah. You got a, you got a business that you pay a lease on seven days a week. Do you, as an economist, as a business owner, what do you do? Do you just open up Thursday, Friday, Saturday? So four nights a week to play stay shut.

What do you do in this economy? You're going to pay for the place anyway. If you turn the lights on, it's going to be a fraction of the cost anyway. So you open up, you open up Sunday, and you make something for the people. Guess what? You're going to have to,

it's going to cost you a hundred dollars to put a tray of sandwiches out. But if that's what it takes to take people there, you know, I go to these hotels every week, and these hotels are giving you more and more. I went to Baltimore. I stayed at a hotel that they give you four hundred dollars a night. There was no coffee machine in my room. There was no coffee in the lobby till six.

Both nights, the fucking wake-up call was wrong. You know, so why am I paying for it? Last week I went to a Best Western. I thought I was the Prince of fucking Dubai. Yeah. Eggs, oatmeal, waffles, apples, oranges, fruit, white bread, rye bread, English muffin, coffees, 24 hours, fresh coffee, a coffee maker in your room.

A gym that wasn't bad. A heated pool, a pool outside. The, you know, wake-up call, a business office, or three different terminals that you don't have to pay for. So when I'm flying with my family, I know that I could wake up and have breakfast already taken care of. You know what, a breakfast cost a family of three to go on vacation? Fifty, sixty bucks.

A lot. I just saved sixty bucks. Guess what? People are going to go there. People are going to get attracted to those hotels. They give you a little something. Well, the same thing has to happen now. The podcast, the last two months, I've gotten contacted by three different people

to charge money for the podcast. Why would I do something like that? Why would I change the rules? Why would I go home and take my ball at now? I want to give this away. I want people to listen to it. Yeah. Do you understand me?

You know, yeah, people, oh, well, you could sell it for $7 a month and get 100,000 subscribers and get $70,000 a month. You know what? I want people to come to my show. I want people to listen to what's in my heart and what's in my mind, what's in Lee's heart and his mind and what's in your fucking heart. Don't tell me about menus.

Mostly THC at the moment. You don't know. And that's the thing. That's the fucking difference. I could charge for that. I don't want to do that. All right. You know, so it's, it's, it's, it's, you have to give something.

Tuesday nights, it was OK to get a microphone, some dude with a bad wig who never had the balls to go to Broadway and sing. And you had karaoke night. How many, how many karaoke nights are there? That went done. So what do you do on a Tuesday night, Lee, in your bar? What do you do, Lee?

Do you give away six beers for a dollar or a bucket? That's not going to make people come in. That's going to make fucking alcoholics come in and bust your balls. You know, comedy contests. No, you have to, you have to do something, you know. Comedy contest works on a Wednesday night and, you know, $500 and a winner goes and does a set at Lee Syad's house and takes it. I will rent out the comedy club during the different conventions

and then you offer them free tickets for the night. You can't do comedy seven nights a week. No. So you have to pray like tomorrow night game six. That's a big bar game. Thank you. The bars make money tomorrow night. Have you ever shown an East Coast nobody watching it?

No, they're happy that there's the World Series tomorrow. But what do you do? This is a tough fucking economy. There's a thousand fucking bars. There's a bar in every strip mall, guys. So you're trying to get all these people. Seven, how many million? Seven billion.

Seven billion people. You're trying to get a percentage of these people into your fucking bar. What do you do, Lee? It's a fucking risky business. It is, man, because now think about it, man. Last week, I was at the Ice House, sold out six shows. No, I'm thinking, I was thinking the whole time. As a comedian, you know, you're happy, but you think bad.

You think the worst. Could I have done that if the Dodgers were in the World Series? At the Ice House, you know. Can I compete with the Dodgers? Can a comedy club in an evangelist compete with Game Six? No. No way, right? No.

If that's your comedy night, you're premiering your comedy night. You would have done good. You would have done good, because not everybody has the... You know, you could tape games now. Yeah, you could tape games. Watch Mahulu. But you would have done great. Yeah, I think you would have done good.

I think there's a market for people who watch the Dodgers. You know, the Lakers are starting next week. That's it. That changes the face of comedy in L.A. Dude, I did a show. Which means you and I, we got burnt by a thousand Lakers again. What a cutie. A thousand Laker games.

You're ready to go. You got a spot at 9.30. You got a spot at 10.15. You got another spot at 11.45. You got another spot. Once you get to the first spot, what's going on, dawg? How come this show hasn't started? dawg, this is my fucking Laker game.

Oh, that's the third quality. You're like, God damn it. I need this 50 fucking bucks. This is all part of the equation. Now you're late for this one. You're late for the other one. You're late for the other one. You're late for the other one.

Now I got to fucking follow this fucking jerk off. He's going to jump up and down. Do the joke about the dog. I don't need this shit in my fucking life. So that's what it would do. It would just ruin. The Lakers will fuck your night up. People don't, listen, man.

People still want to watch them. I don't care how bad they are. The fucking point guards out for the season. These are diehard Laker fans. Same thing with the fucking Dodgers. People watch them. I remember being in Houston 10 years ago. And the Houston Rockets were in the playoffs.

They were popular. I didn't give a fuck who was fucking who was in town. When the Dallas Cowboys play against the Giants and they play in Dallas, if it's a seven o'clock game, I don't give a fuck if you're Houdini and you're going to stab somebody in the pussy. They're not fucking coming to see you, dog. They're not coming to watch you.

Not when the Dallas, never mind Denver. Oh, if you got a game on a Sunday night and Denver's on nationally televised Sunday night, you are in no danger. Sold out? Yeah, you're in no danger. You have four fucking people there with helmets on. It's a fucking nightmare.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's amazing what you compete with. You know, in businesses and I don't know how people do it. I don't know how people could run a bar. Do you get pissed off? Because my dad was in nightclubs for the one of the things he did. And he would have like singles parties.

And anytime it's snowed or rained or there's something like that, he would get pissed off. Like when you see the weather or do you see, like when you're going to Baltimore, the Orioles almost got in. And I was like, fuck, I hope. Because like, do you think like negatively about that? Like God doesn't kill my shows.

The Orioles being the playoffs and that wouldn't have helped me in Baltimore. If Hannibal Lecter was giving the headcuts, it wouldn't have helped me in fucking Baltimore. There's a lot left last weekend. I had like mediocre shows. It's a new club. So if they moved it, people were going to the old address.

But it's a great club. I love it. What club was that? The Joke Factory. It moved. The Joke Factory. But somebody got blasted. Damn.

Somebody went to, what's it do for mad TV, the black kid? Airy Spears. Airy Spears shows. And after some, he threw somebody out and the guy went outside and shot the doorman and shot him. So that wasn't good for the club. So the club, you know, who wants a comedy club

with somebody who's been shot at? So they just picked up and moved? They just picked up. Well, you know, when you have a dead body in your fucking doorway, you know, even if you're fucking creepy, you're like, you know, it's time to go. Yeah.

Same thing happened at that club. We did, um, we're at Oceans. Oh my God. So they shot the security guard. Oh my God. I remember going there the night afterward and there was candles right outside the. Oh my God.

What did you do to the candles? Oh my God. They shot the guy the night before. Now what did you do with them? I didn't do, no, I picked them up and read them. I didn't do nothing. Only I just fucking walked past them and said, I can't believe I'm doing comedy at a place

where somebody got shot last night. They opened up the bar. Yeah, but it was Sunday night. And they went to the bar drinking shots. Like to the spirit of Raymond. I was there, man, when the owner fell off the wagon, bro. And he was fucking just pouring everybody free drinks. And they got fucked up, man.

Oceans. That was Martin Moreno's room. You know what? Let's laugh. I'll never forget that one time I went in there and some girl started talking to me. She's like, are you been in movies, man? I'm like, I get lucky from time to time.

She just walked over. Like I had like a 10 minute set in the middle. The show wasn't over. And she told me that she had just gotten out of county jail. And it's for 20 or 25 bucks. She showed me a pussy. It was fucking. You're showing to you?

Fuck no. This chick was all tatted up and she was chunky and shit. And her pussy probably smelled like a jail cell. I don't want to smell that shit. She's like for 25 bucks. I'm just looking for a little peace papa, you know. She was like, I don't know, man, so I can't fuck you. But I'll show it to you and let your finger me.

Get the fuck out of here. That was Oceans. That was fucking. Oh man. That was Oceans. What happened to me at tortillas? I was there, dude. And then I saw some girls that I would see at Casa Latina.

And she used to roll deep, you know, crazy J party animal. Then I hadn't seen her for a long time. I saw her at tortillas and I was drinking at the time. And I saw her. Hey, I remember you a man from back in the days. She goes, yeah, I remember you do. She threw me to the bathroom. She lifted up her skirt.

She said, I just got out. I just beat up. I just beat a murder rap. I just want to party, man. So I was like, fuck. Her pussy was hairy dog, like bush. And she was in line, bro. When I saw her bush that hairy, I knew that she was locked up.

And she did beat a murder rap. And murder was the case that they gave her. Shit. Dude, we got crazy, man. But you know, I didn't have no condom at the time. I just jerked off, you know, in the little afro. And then she just took off with a bunch of, like, she took off, bro.

And I remember she was freaking with like five cholos after me. You know, she was going to get, she was on a mission, bro. She beat a fucking murder rap. Don't hate on her. What would you do, bro, if you beat a murder rap? Fuck you. You want to fuck everything that moves. Yeah.

So does she. Listen, all he wants is a six inch fucking subway coca combo right now. Look at them. Look at the hats twisted. What are you thinking about? He was a medial no chair right now. Right now. Tonight when you go home.

Cogniz. I don't know right now. Yeah. I could go for Cogniz. He said, man, I'm not going to eat nothing because I just beat a plateau. Shut up. I did. It's hard.

It is hard. And then I have fucking edibles without much of them. So what are you going to eat tonight? What are you going to eat tonight? I'm going to try to do nothing. Or I need this. But what do you have? What do you have for emergency situation?

I know you got those fucking rice patties. I'd rather be a fucking ISIS fucking. I'd rather be an ISIS back gate. They're not bad. They'll be caramel ones. They close fucking the camel ones. Caramel. No, caramel.

I'd rather be at an ISIS isolation camp. Leave those fucking rice cakes. What else you got? What else you got? I got granola bars. They're pretty good. Yeah, peanut butter granola bars. I do.

Yeah. Five slices of how many calories? 50. And how much bread? Two slices. How much cheese? And you put that cheddar cheese on it. You fucking fill it up.

Light cheddar. How many calories? I think we figured I was like 250 to 260. Unbelievable. You call it calories? I've been doing it. Yeah. He's doing good.

You lost how many pounds? 65. 60 fucking five. Look at him. Damn, bro. Look at him. He's a savage. But this is the help.

Do you have that water? Please. You want to know how to do it? Couple minutes. No, yeah. It's been going good. But when we have edibles, I want to go back to jacking the box

and get 10 orders of tacos. How many more cheese on the epileptical side? An hour. An hour. How many calories you brought? 800. Now you're moving those feet now. They're fucking flying, right?

Yeah, not that bad. Two feet of fucking moving. I do like four and a half miles, I think it says. So it's not that fast. You walk four and a half miles? Lealy elliptical. So not really cool. And what speed do you move at?

The incline's 11 and the resistance is eight. So you, but how fast do you move it? Four and a half. And I took an hour. Hour was four and a half miles. I don't know. It says, there's a speed on there. I don't look at the speed.

I put my iPad over it. It says six or 5.3 or 3.5. I don't know. Jesus Christ. You see what I'm talking about? I put my iPad over it. I watch movies. Wow.

That's funny. You put your app and you watch movies and you walk. Yeah. I just do the elliptical because it's boring otherwise. And like even music, like you kind of like just start fading. So I watch stupid action movies. Crazy. When I went to the dentist, I'm afraid of dentists because I'm always painful.

They're always like jam so hard. I could see the guy jamming. I don't want to see him pull. So this guy's like, it's like a dentist for pussies, right? So they put a headphone set on me and one of these visors so I could look at a movie. I had that in Boston. Yes. And I'm watching Netflix and like me like an idiot watching and walking dead.

And was the walker eating somebody. They're drilling my mouth going. I watched Man on Fire at the dentist in Boston. It was crazy. Well, they were working on your mouth. You can see the movie, right? Yeah. Amazing.

Not bad. He worked on you throughout the whole movie. Let's say he drills on you up to the part where they kidnap. What do you go? I want to go home now. Fuck no. I keep drilling, bitch. Keep drilling, bitch.

There's got to be a cavity in this other tooth. Put it on the bill, cock sucker. He's still got to go shoot a bunch of Mexicans. I've been bodyboarding, bro. At the beach. I go to the beach twice a week. Do you still? Still, bro.

Like for real, man, I'm getting good, dog. So what do you do? I got bodyboard. I like surfing, but you lay on the bodyboard. It's easy. You're like laying down on a bed, but you catch your waves. How deep the water is. Oh, man.

It's like sometimes it's six feet. But dude, I got bit by a stingray, man, in Newport. Yeah, I got bit by a fucking stingray, man. He's interrogating you like he's like a cop and you're about to explode with the evidence you have? That's right, cock sucker. Everything is. What are you doing?

Fucking body surfing by your Mexican. You should be in a bariachi band, cock sucker. Everything you're saying is going to like a deeper level, man. You look too left and it'd be like something weird. I got pictures, bro. I got pictures. No, no, no, no. I don't want to see no pictures.

I just want you to break it. Yeah, I need a water, please. I get through all eight in the morning. Oh, my God, you're so high. You can't open the water. Oh, my fingers function. I got a bandaid on that. Oh, I'm sorry.

It's like a fucking paper cut. You're there. It's on the lane or something like that. He goes, look at your finger. What happened? I don't know. I was bleeding to death. I'm surprised I didn't faint.

So talk to him about this body fucking surf. Oh, man. So I was a little thirsty. Hey, here's your part of this. The first time, well, I've been going out there since May, trying to get good at it. The first time I went out to Malibu, I don't know. There's different types of waves.

There's dropping waves and then there's curving waves or regular waves. I fucking got lifted up on a wave that drops six feet. And I just fucking, like when the wave dropped me, there was no more water under me. The wave was behind me. And I got crushed and my face was all bleeding and almost broke my neck.

I survived. Is it like a boogie board? A boogie board, yeah. Oh, OK. It's a body board, yeah. Why don't you take this fucking Google switch? I've been done it for like 20 years. Yeah.

So I've been doing that lately. And you go with no shirt on? I go with no shirt on. And I got cut in a rip, bro. A rip is when the wave is taking the people out in the ocean. And I don't know how people drown. So I was cut into that shit, dude. I was fucking scared.

I fucking, the water took me 100 yards. I took it back in. Oh, man. I swam sideways to the other side of the beach. And then I let the wave take me back. And then I saw a lifeguard. He told me, what the fuck are you doing over there, fat boy? No, you say, what the fuck are you doing over there?

Show me, ask you something. So you've got a different surfboard and a bodyboard. It's different. Yeah. A boogie board is a small little surfboard. You don't stand on it. You lay down on it. You hold on to it like this.

You know, like your jog, a QB on a 2x4. All right. So you put the ankle brace on to keep the boogie board on. You have fins. You have fins. Yeah. Can't see. What were you laughing about the fucking fins before?

Did you have fins? It's a bad ass fins, bro. You're driving around Denver and Colorado with fins. You never know when you need fucking fins. You never fucking know. You might see a river, bro. You might see a river. There's a diamond down there.

There's a 20 something. You got to dig out a body. How many days a week do you go down there? Twice a week. What days you go down there? I might go like Tuesdays or Thursdays. I get up, get me and my Elisa fiance. We go like eight in the morning.

We get there and we're bodyboarding with a bunch of other people. We don't know them, but there's surfers there. Pretty interesting. Getting back to the story. On 4th of July, it's the day that I'm there most of the day, a lightning hits the ocean and five people get killed. What? Yeah, man.

That was just on the other side. I don't know why I dropped that in there, but yeah. No, no, no. Water girls always want to do stuff early in the morning on the weekends. Does Paula want to do some early in the morning on the weekends? She used to. We used to go out for breakfast every time,

but I got a coffee maker now so it can stay home. You got a coffee maker? Yeah. And you make breakfast now? Yeah. Or you save it 20 to 30 bucks? I know, it's expensive. Five days a week for breakfast with the fuck you think this is and shit.

Yeah. This will get the better fucking eggs and some salsa on those motherfuckers. The flying Jew bed and breakfast. Because let me tell you something. That'd be nice. To me, I really enjoy. I like some nice eggs with some green onions, little cheese.

I had a real egg for the first time this weekend. A real egg? In a while because I've been on egg whites. But fucking, I had to have a real egg. Oh, fuck. You eat egg whites every day? I have. You can't wear the yolk?

No, no, you just buy on the carton. Are you a fucking mook? It saves a lot of calories, man. My mom, our breakfast man, used to be like two eggs over easy. Oh, yeah. With ranchero sauce, like tomatoes and jalapeno, then onions cooked on the same pan. That's it.

And pulled over the fried eggs with beans inside and rice and some fresh cheese on the beans. Paula made my favorite. Homemade flour tortillas. I don't know what you guys call it, but my mom called it eggs in a basket. It's like toast with an egg in the middle. I saw that in a movie, bro.

I had so fucking good. I still have agnolias to put to myself. I saw that. The Italian woman, she said that was an egg in a bread and she put mozzarella and spaghetti sauce over it. Was it good? I get the roll and just get the egg yolk. Yeah.

Or you get the egg and you break the yolk and you fry the egg up and you put some cheese on it and a slice of tomato with some fucking butter or something. Good, googly moogly. That's the way they used to do it at the sunset grill. That's New Jersey style. The Cedar roll. Cut that motherfucker in half with a coke and a can for breakfast.

What? There's nothing better than buttered toast, like actual butter. So when it gets like, when the butter really gets in there. When the butter gets in there, you put an egg yolk on that motherfucker and bite right through it. Let's go to Denny's right now.

You had those communists. You had chilaquiles? No, Paula's been telling me why I don't have them yet. You gotta just deep fry some tortilla chips, to get rid of the tortilla packs. You know, with oil and then add el pato sauce. It has to be el pato sauce over it. Then you fucking scramble the egg in it with it.

And then when it's cooking, bro, you throw in some cheese, Monterey Jack, and you serve that motherfucker up. Her mom puts chorizo in it, I think. Yeah, oh, shit. Oh, shit. Yeah, once the mother and you move up here, you're gonna be walking from here to Beirut every fucking day.

It's over. It's curtains for you. You can't control that. You'll be over there in the morning. You'll move them in. We're gonna move them in. Why don't you just fucking move them in? You live with the mother, the cousin, the whole time.

I love the mother, no. Say, look, you live here, just cook, wash my laundry, and keep the house fucking spotless and shit. My mom would kill me if I moved another person's mom in. What was she? You don't, she don't have to know. It's not her business. When she comes out, you put her in a hotel.

She can't go to your place because it's got fucking Ebola. You tell her what the fuck you gotta tell her. What else is going on? You tell her my nanny and their house burned down, so it's been in the night. You still going to acting class? Hell no. That's it, you're done?

Hell no, man. I won't have done, man. I'll pay too much money. How much? It was like $300 to $50 a month. Yeah. Yeah, that's too much money. Some guy called me, hey man, I want to ask you something.

There's an acting class and they're looking for good people. I go, what night is it? You know, I like to go and he goes, Tuesdays from 7 to 10, it's 2.60 a month. I go, what? Yeah, that's what I was paying. What? What are you talking about?

2.60 a month, that's a fucking car payment. For four classes? Four classes, 2.60 a month, 7 to 10. You know what, I don't even have the ADD to sit there anymore to watch those scenes. I could maybe watch one or two scenes and get the fuck out of there. Whenever I went to acting class down at a van at Chubbicks,

I did one of the first top three scenes. I got the fuck out of there. You could stay. I would stay sometimes and watch because you learn, from acting sometimes, you learn as much as doing the scene than watching it. Sometimes you learn because you're like, I know what this scene is and what he should be doing.

And what he should be doing, but oh, look what he just did. Oh shit, look what he just did. I didn't even see that coming. So that's how you learn how to fucking act sometimes. I always, when people hit me up, I always tell them, go to a local place locally that teaches like an acting class. You'll learn so much. You really will.

And if you're good at it, then you excel. Then people tell you where the fuck to go. Right or wrong? We go, hey, go to this place. They do a dance group and you can jump up and down and be Shakespeare. I never wanted to do Shakespeare. Why not?

I don't know. To be or not to be. That is a question. Got to fucking point this. I was playing, when I was doing, I did two acting classes on Pat Buckel, my manager, hooked me up with another of my first acting coach, which I liked. It was in that module, 75 bucks for like two hours every time I met her.

And she taught, I think she was like a Brad Pitt fan, but I got to memorize a lot of scenes with her. Like true romance. No, no, that scene. And I'm down on Louise when Brad Pitt shows up and he's, he has sex with Angela Davis. I think that's her name. And that was the scene that I learned over and over it.

I should make a mate and I had to learn it. And after a while, I got good at it, you know, but that money got tight, bro. But now man, I don't think I need, I don't think I need an acting class anymore. But acting classes are good, man. If you want to go, if you're like an ugly guy and you want to hang out with hot chicks. There's a lot of hot chicks, bro. And acting classes.

Sometimes I feel like the acting coach throwing the hot chicks in the classroom to entice guys like me to throw in another 300 for another month. It's not a bad idea. It's not hot chicks, bro. Like they're so coming in for the acting class and you're there. Mackie and I go over there. I've had a chubby cat, the blonde chick. And he had, she had Holly Berry.

We had three to two blonde chicks. We had a girl who was from Switzerland in my class and her friend who wanted to be a rapper. No, no, but a Vanna Chubbock made her name by having, what's the chick who won the Oscar, the blonde, the tall one that's dating Sean Penn now? She was in the Italian job. I forget.

She just did a movie that I watched. Shall we sit on? Therese Saran. And then the next year she had Holly Berry. She always had Holly Berry. And once they won the Oscar, every hot chick. Robin Wright? No, no, no.

Therese Saran. She just fucking said it, Felipe. But he's not married to Sean Penn, is she? She's hooked up with Sean Penn now. Robin Wright's done. All right, cool then. Yeah, she will have the cards. Yeah, she's done.

She's available. All right. And she ain't going to have no Italian food at her fucking wedding, all right? She's going to be like, fucking, you're going to get some Mexican food for your uncle, Joey. What's the matter, bro? Come on, bro.

I'm just going to trade for Mochola and embarrass me. I got to go there and sit next to Spanish people eating fucking vegan food and shit. I'm getting upset all over again. I won't be able to sleep tonight, though. They'll be on the vegan side. You'll be all right. Is this a side?

Huh? You keeping them separated? What? And that shit smells to fucking, I haven't, you know, that shit smells fucking bad, dog. Please have some El Cholo nice tamales. For fajitas or something? No, no, no, listen, though.

Listen, this is easy. No fajitas, because I know there'll be a, by the way, somewhere. To a food? Just have a little thing that says El Cholo on it to make people at ease. There'll be Cholos. Why do I get so fucking upset at this shit? When you get married to this Mexican bro,

you better do the right thing, too, cocksucker. I will. I'm gonna have dry fish, some lox, some bagels, and on the other side, some fucking red sauce, some enchiladas. That's a wedding, man. I don't like Choleros. Yeah, yeah, go for one of those tonight, myself.

What do you think, Lee? I'll go for it. No, you fucking can't. You gotta get it together, cocksucker. Let me give some shout-outs here. Okay. There's some beautiful people here. Felipe's in the house.

You bad motherfuckers, you. All right, my main man, Matthew Bailey, Kenny Mencher, Chris Adamson, Bobby Crook. Mike Stanley, Paul Speller, Rene and Casio Nome, my main man, and Brady Lynn. When are you gonna fucking call me? You want me to call you? What the fuck's going on here, people?

All right. I don't even know what to talk about no more. It's not that I'm high. It's just that I'm out of fucking words. You threw me a detour with this. What happened, bro? You fucked me up with this wedding, dog. You can't be talking to me about a Mexican getting married

and having no Mexican for his wedding. I want you to represent your culture in some way, and then you throw curveballs at me, like, oh, I'm gonna have this. That's not what I'm talking about. I don't give a fuck about the cookie section. I go to hit hard. I want some nice fucking chili, rillinos.

That's just some good food, man. How about some enchiladas with some nice green sauce on them? I don't ask for much. I could be the buffet, man. You know, it's got a nice fucking cheap menu. Acapulco. I could eat those cheese enchiladas with some rice. You like Acapulco.

On Sunset, fucking tremendous. I don't know how many times that buffet fucking saved. The buffet's good, man. That buffet's delicious at Acapulco. I used to hit that once a month. You ever hit that, Lee? No. Damn.

Is it still there? Yeah. It's... The last time I went there was after Maryland funeral. Yeah. Really? Yeah, still there, man. It's really not bad.

You would think a Mexican buffet wouldn't be that good. It's easy. It's plain. They have soup, right? They always give you like a chicken soup. A chicken soup, yeah. A chicken soup. Then they have cheese enchilada, some type of chicken,

some type of beef. I usually get three or four cheese enchiladas. They got delicious Mexican rice. And you put the green chili sauce and the Mexican rice and dope it up some onions. They have a tray of onions. And then on the way out, they got a nice fucking dessert. You can't go wrong.

I'm not kidding you. That's the first place I ate when I moved to Los Angeles. Where? January 29th, 1997. I stopped at fucking right there, right on Sunset. Acapulco. As we pulled off the 101. I put him in the place.

You told me that was really good. And I always tell people, man, if you like chicken to tacos that are made good, Los Tacos. Where? Los Tacos after on Santa Monica Boulevard. We used to go there after the comments. The place was a watermelon juice. Yes.

Oh my God. We should go there. That place was good. We'll not need more, right? Still there. It's still there. Right next to a 7-Eleven or longer. Yeah, yeah.

I haven't been there in 10 years. Yeah, I've been there. I told you we talked about it. They used to have. It's still there. Still there. They used to have a chicken burrito with white meat in the middle with some rice.

And instead of baked beans, not baked beans, but instead of refried beans, they get the pinto beans. Oh, fuck with that green shit. The fucking calantro and some onions. What? With some sour cream in that motherfucker. Come on now. Yeah, man.

Come on now. They make you a restaurant, Los Tacos. They have a big old mural. And the mural is all the Last Supper. But the Last Supper characters are all Mexican actors. Like they got Milmascaradas as Jesus. And then some other motherfuckers as something else. But that place is still there, man.

And they give us sour cream as much as you want. We do that. But if you get to a 2.30 in the morning, man, Los Tacos turns into Los Tacones. Oh, yeah. It's not crazy. With means high heels. It's all Mexican trannies there, man.

Let me tell you something, man. A couple of years ago, Nick Tator called me. And he says he's doing a movie, blah, blah, blah. And he needs a real funny Spanish guy. And I'm telling him out of the bound. Like, listen, it's Felipe Esparza. Ah, I'm looking for this guy. I can't find him.

It's fucking Felipe Esparza. Ah, I don't know. You know, I reached out to Paul Rodriguez. I go, that's great. But the guy you're looking for is Felipe Esparza. So finally he sees Felipe. But Lisa drives him and he calls me. He goes, oh, my God, this guy's great.

He reminds me of my brother. Yeah, I'm fucking high on him. How many days you get on that movie? I'm like seven. What was the name of that movie? The movie was deported. What happened? The movie was on Netflix for a while, then they took it out.

Why? Because it was that bad. Because they're not paying. I don't know what happened. It was probably that bad. I don't know. Oh, my God. I twisted my ankle at the last scene, bro.

Really fucking bad. It was me, you, Paul Rodriguez. Me, you, Paul Rodriguez. Rick, Talia Shire was in it, but she was in our scenes. There was a lot of motherfuckers during that movie. Oh, my God. And it was in the mountain, by Magic Mountain. By Valencia.

And it was cold as a motherfucker. It was cloudy and rainy and maybe they sent us home one day because of the rain. And then Joe Diaz, he shaved his mustache off. You had a mustache? Yeah. You couldn't even see it. He did a mustache for the scene.

So the next day, he shaved his mustache off and he cut back with no mustache. And they had to put like a prosthetic mustache on his fucking, on his fucking lip. That is fucking crazy. And it paid pretty good, man. We had our own trailers. Yeah, we got pretty high during the sets.

Good food. The director had the worst hairdo. Oh, yeah. You ever, ever, ever. He was a typical director, man. Typical wannabe director. He never worked again in his fucking life. That dude will never work again in his life.

They'd rather shoot him in the fucking head than do his fucking work again. That was horrible. He did something that was like this guy. This is dog movies that keep calling me. The ones I did. But the first four or three were done by this one director. It wasn't bad.

I like Mike. That was his name, Mike. But then they got this other guy and he comes from the editing background. So he shoots everything halfway. So let's say right now we're shooting the scene, right? Yeah. So if we're facing this way today,

he'll shoot the scene from over here and he'll cut it. And we won't shoot again till he's facing this way three days later. So you live in this scene for a fucking month, which I don't like. So now you have 16s hanging because he only shoots from one side.

Do you follow? That's weird. Why would I, it doesn't make sense. Yeah, it's the worst. I told him when I fucking, I didn't want to do the movie in that. That was one of the reasons that the fuck that shit. Shoot the fucking movie.

How it's supposed to be shot. Shoot it. And let's shoot move on with the fucking lives. I don't want to keep shooting this fucking scene over and over again. That's not my fucking bag. You know what I'm saying? However, Joe Diaz told that director

that a movie that they poured it after over and over of him. Like I think they want him to go back. Like he got punched. And then they said he shot it and he go, all right, man, it's fine. We did it okay. And then Paul Rodriguez said,

yeah, it's fine. We did it okay. And because he wanted to shoot it over and over, then Joe Diaz started directing his own scene. Now we're good. We're good, man. Okay. I can't stand when people overshoot anything.

It was my little big deal. It was a small scene. I don't like people. It burns me up. It burns me. I did a commercial for Go Daddy. They almost knocked everybody out in the fucking commercial.

Because I think that they were trying to piss me off. Like they were trying to shoot kill time. So they kept making me do the scene over. Like 50 times. The flower on the face. Something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Something.

Remember you were to ask me, did I know you then when I shot that? Yeah, I think so. It's just a year ago. Let me give a fucking sponsors here. Let's get the fuck out of here. As usual, my main men, the people who put me together, they keep me together.

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You understand me? The beautiful thing is about them. The new year is coming. You want to quit smoking. Joey, how the fuck do I quit smoking? Do I take a pill? Do I fucking smack everybody? Do I call everybody a motherfucker?

Fuck no. Hit E6 not only has that, but they have a program 24, 16, 8 milligram and zero. You fucking decrease it at your own pace, man. It's a beautiful fucking product. Go to hit E6.com right now. Press in. Joey's church.

Oh, shit. And what do they get? 20% off. Not 10% off, not 15. 20% off. You understand me? Longer lasting, better tasting. The cigar, you can blow smoke in people's faces.

Nobody get pissed off at you, right? Hit E6. Then I get pissed off. What the fuck are you doing? What's up, fool? Can I mention my podcast? You can do whatever the fuck. We ain't going nowhere.

What's up, fool? Felipe Esparza, man. Check out my podcast on SoundCloud everywhere. What's up, fool? Podcasts. How many weeks are you working a week now? A year on the road? On the road, probably like three times, twice or two weeks

in a month, yeah. Is that good for you two weeks a month? Yeah. That's good. You can't do three like me. I can't. I get burned. Then you give me three.

Every once in a while, I got to do three, but not all the time. OK. You're a bad motherfucker. You're not going to acting class. You getting much calls from movies lately? Yeah, man. I booked two commercials. I booked a movie with some dude or some movie.

But the financing went and didn't go through. He's getting sued. So we'll see what happens. I shot an Eric Andre show. It'll be out in December. Eric Andre show. Yeah, on the Eric Andre show. OK.

What channel is that? Adult Swim. He's with Hannibal Burris. OK. Yes, it's a real little show. OK. 12 minute show. You're a bad motherfucker, Felipe.

You got it going on. I'm hosting a standard comedy show in Spanish with Estrella TV, the same channel we did with Platanito. Come on. They booked me for five minutes, bro. The money was all right. No, you got to do what you want to do. And I'll do, bro.

And then tomorrow, I'm hosting. Quien tiene talento? It's like, who has talent? In Spanish. In Spanish. You know, I'm going to be there for booking two shows, doing two shows. You don't give a fuck.

We're working eight hours. You know how to do Spanish, you know? They pay just as well as English, you know? And I did my whole set in Spanish, you know? And I worked it out over and over in my head. I translated my jokes on Google. I just typed up my jokes, translated to Spanish. And I did it, bro.

How's the timing when you translate? Oh, I'm going to talk slower, man. I'm going to talk really slow. Like I said, I said in Spanish, I met this girl last night. She said, I'll sleep at your house. But can't have no sex. Last night, I met this girl. She said, I'll sleep with you, but we can't have sex.

You know, same thing. OK. Now you say, fuck them in the eyeball. She made me green chili burritos for the fucking. You know what I'm saying? You better make me some fucking things. Back to the wedding. Back to the wedding.

Back to the wedding. You understand how much I love you. She didn't understand how much I love you. You know, I always told her I had to throw up, man. Like, I walk in yogis, man. I'm going to be over there. Have my green burrito ready. That was there.

Always, always, always. That's my world, dog. A green chili burrito with a little rice and some beans to cut it. You can't get that no way. You know how you sleep after one of those? How? You pass out, bro.

Like a fucking mummy, dog. Your body can't handle it. It goes into protein and psychological shock and abuse, cocksucker. You sleep, bro. Like Palma Newman and Kuha Lug, bro. No more. Boss.

What do you got this week, Tarzan? This week, bro, I'm doing a live podcast, October 30, at the Nerdmelt with Bill Murray and Al Madrigal for the All Things Comedy Network. I'll be there October 30 at Nerdmelt. And I'm taping a couple of podcasts for my podcasts. I'm doing Emilio Rivera and Josh Nasher. Last week, we had MMA fighter Mariano Mendoza.

He's a big motherfucker, bro. He's considered a Mexican divo. Pretty much most of my guests on my podcast are people I run into. You know, like, if I see somebody, all right, this motherfucker used to be a pimp. Would it be my podcast? Big time?

He goes, all right, big time. So, or whatever. When did you see Emilio at? I haven't seen Emilio. I emailed him on Twitter. And he said, yeah, bro, do it. He's a great guy. And I had a monocle, see where he pops, bro.

How cool is pops? Let me tell you what, man. You know who pops is? I gave him a guest set in Bray. You didn't come up to a little handicap. Pops is the dude that, when he was nine years old, he was on his way to a Little League game. And he got hit by a drunk driver.

And he flew off of the motorcycle. So he talks weird now, but he recovered. You know, his speech is better. He does stand up comedy. He's a fucking freak, you know? Somebody told me they took him to Mexico, and they got him a hooker. Pops fucking just went nuts.

No, man. The whole fucking thing. So Armando, so he's gonna talk like this. Hey, bro, let me tell you, bro. He has a little arm like a waiter. So this fool man on the show, Armando talks about because pops go to a strip bar and they keep his phone. He has to go to the bank and come back

and get lap dance money. So the fucking stripper called his house, I better have my money. So I better have my money. So Armando, you know, he told his wife, listen, I don't know how I know this, but what probably happened was he was getting a lap dance, two songs turned into six.

He don't have enough money. They're holding his phone and he's going to the ATM and he's gonna come back and pay these strippers, get his phone back. Everything's gonna be all right. How Armando did not know this is gonna happen, but that's what really happened. This is a guy, a man who lived in a pension, bro.

So I have them on my podcast, Pops. Armando Cocio. I like Pops. Freaks. Pops, you know, he ready to do a gig. He ready to do anything, bro. He ready to do a guest spot. He ready to hold a wire, bro, whatever you need.

He had me really high and I was in the green room and this guy walked in and I had never seen him before, but from the green room, it sounded like he was doing well. He had me really fucking high and this is how he walked in. He's a soldier, bro. He's a soldier. Like one time, bro, I had nobody to take me to San Diego to do that fucking shitty ass gig over there

with that guy, Dustin Knapp, I think it was. I had nobody, bro. This motherfucker drove me, okay? And his car is built for a handicapped person. Like the steering wheel, like the acceleration on the truck, it's on the gas, it's on the steering wheel. So to accelerate, he just holds it down with his palm and the brakes are over here or on his foot,

but the accelerator, it's on like, he can't switch feet from both feet. So the accelerator, it's on the steering wheel and the brakes, it's on the steering wheel. So it's built and the fucking steering wheel has a handle like a bus driver, like a fucking doorknob. For reals, the fucking steering wheel is built like a doorknob, right, dog?

So this motherfucker drove me like that, like a soldier, bro, to San Diego, bro. Bottle tacos, got him on a fucking lap desk, paid him 60 bucks, gave him gas. He always calls me to wish me a good luck on the way. Uncle Joey, I wanna wish you good luck. You wanna guess it? I'll be there, all right, bye.

And we were talking about that at the show. That's how he does it. And I said, pops don't ask for luck. Nah, he always calls you and wishes you good luck. I don't need no luck. Pops, I'm on a concealed junior. He don't ask for guest spots. He just sees it, oh, pop, Joe Diaz live podcast.

All I need to see is a fucking thing. Joe Diaz live podcast, like. It's amazing, he will show up like a fucking, thank you for coming on tonight. Oh, thank you for having me, man. How are you doing, are you all right? I'm okay. You're right, see, you ate,

I took it to the deepest waters and you made it. I made it. You gotta see Lee when he eats in there, but he looks up. It tastes so bad. It tastes fucking delicious, a new chef. Every day is a new chef. I want to thank on it, I want to thank Dollar Shave Club and Hilly Siggs for helping us out and sponsoring us.

Hit it, Lee, hit it, Lee, hit it, Lee. Where are you going to be? Are you going to be anywhere? I'm going to be in San Francisco next week, helium Portland the week after, and helium Philadelphia. Get your fucking tickets, go to joeydias.net and see what's cracking like in bitches. I'll be at Tommy T's in Clinton next week.

Now that the show's over, don't forget to sign up for DollarShaveClub.com, get high quality raises, send to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Go to DollarShaveClub.com, forward slash church, or just go to joeydias.net and click on the Dollar Shave Club banner. Show's also sponsored by Anna.com,

use code word church to get 10% off of your order, and go to hitesiggs.com and use code word joey's church to get 20% off of your order. They have e-cigarettes, the proof is in the vape, and it's a lot better tasting while you're lasting. You go head to the lower? I'm a jab. ["Crow to the

Floor Song"] Who the fuck is this? Paging me at 5.46 in the morning, cracka dawning. Now I'm yawnin', wickin' cold out my eyes. See who's this paging me and why? It's my nigga pop from the barbershop. Call me he was in the gamut spot and heard the intricate A niggas want to stick me like fly, paper, paper

Slow down, love, please, chill, drop the paper Remember them niggas from the hill up in Brownville That you wrote that sweet, sweet love that got nice wit' Hear my nigga fame up in Prospect Nah, they're my niggas, nah, love wouldn't disrespect I didn't say them, they school me to some niggas That you knew from back when, when you was clocking minor figures Now they heard you blowin' up like nitro

And they wanna stick the knife through your wind pipe slow So, black paper warnin' niggas, now I'm warnin' you I got the Mac nigga, tell me what you gonna do Yeah, niggas want to stick me for my paper Yeah, niggas want to stick me for my paper Yeah, niggas want to stick me for my paper Yeah, niggas want to stick me for my paper They heard about the Rolexes and the Lexus

With the Texas lights that wait outside the states They heard about the pounds that got down in Georgetown And they heard they got half of the gym and locked down They even heard about the blinkin' Watch your mom blowin' up, the fifth carin' up Call the coroner, it's gonna be a lot of slow singing And the flower bringin' if my burglar alarm starts ringin' What you think all the guns is for

All purpose war got the rotten dwellers by the door And I feed them gunpowder so they can devour The criminals tryna drop my decimals Yeah, niggas want to stick me for my cream And it ain't a dream, things ain't always what it seems It's the ones that smoke blood switcher See your picture, now they want to grab the guns And come and get you, bet your biggie won't slip

I got the calico with the black talents loaded in the clip So I could rip through the ligaments Put the fuckers in the back of the dickaments With all the foul niggas went Touch my cheddar, feel my burrata Fuck what I'mma hit you with, you motherfucker's better duck I bring pain, blood stains on what remains of his jacket He had a gun, he shoulda packed it

Extra clips in my pocket So I could reload and explode on your eyes whole I fuck around and get hardcore See more till your door, no beef, no more Nigga, feel the rough, scandal us The more weed smoke I pump, the more dangerous I don't give a fuck about you or your weed crew What you gonna do when big papa come for you

I'm not gunnin', nigga, I bust my gun in The whole door and I hear somebody coming You don't want to come in for that fucking gun Just get the fucking ass on, come on You getting close, huh? That's right, I'll be I'm sure it's biggie's smallest grin, man I'm sure I'm gonna fuck her, come on

You better be his motherfucker now Fuck yeah It's better be his motherfucker's ass Oh shit Why is that? You gotta read that on your head, man What the... Oh shit

You gotta read that on your head, too Oh shit