Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #225 | UNCLE JOEY’S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: January 9, 2023

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY’S JOINT.....   It’s Monday, January 9, 2023…   This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com   Go to https://www.onnit.com & Enter PROMO CODE: JOEY, JOINT or CHURCH   This episode is also brought to you by DraftKings, Liquid IV, & BlueChew…   DRAFTKINGS   Support the show by downloading the DraftKings Sportsbook App and using the code JOEY.   Gambling Problem? Call 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY), If you or someone you know has a gambling problem, crisis counseling and referral services can be accessed by calling 1-800-GAMBLER (1-800-426-2537) (IL/IN/LA/MD/MI/NJ/PA/TN/WV/WY), 1-800-NEXT STEP (AZ), 1-800-522-4700 (CO/KS/NH), 888-789-7777/visit ccpg.org (CT), 1-800-BETS OFF (IA), visit OPGR.org (OR), or 1-888-532-3500 (VA).   21+ (18+ NH/WY). Physically present in AZ/CO/CT/IL/IN/IA/KS/LA(select parishes)/MD/MI /NJ/ NY/PA/TN/VA/WV/WY only. VOID IN OH/ONT. Eligibility restrictions apply. Free bets: Valid 1 per new customer. Min. $5 deposit. Min $5 bet. $200 issued as free bets that expire 7 days (168 hours) after being awarded.  See terms at sportsbook.draftkings.com/footballterms. No Sweat: Valid 1 offer per customer per day of NFL 2023 Wild Card Round. Opt in req each day. First bet must lose after opting in. NFL bets only. Paid as one (1) free bet based on amount of initial losing bet. Max $10 free bet awarded. Free bets expire 7 days (168 hours) after being awarded. See terms at sportsbook.draftkings.com/footballterms.   Liquid IV Support the show and get 15% off at https://Liquid-IV.com by using code JOEY at checkout.   BLUECHEW Visit https://bluechew.com and use code JOEY to try it free! Just pay $5 shipping   Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media:   https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world   And don’t forget.....   The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON:   https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz   #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #displate #manscaped #bluechew #CBDLion #HeartAndSoil #DraftKings #BetterHelp #stamps    The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media:   https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast   Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.....   https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

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Come on in. Yeah, Joey's in the back. Sup, you bad motherfuckers. It's Monday the 9th of motherfucking January. The first week of the years in the fucking books, I had a great fucking week. I mean, we all did, I mean, listen, nothing happened. I mean, nothing fucking happened. People were asleep till Thursday.

Some people woke up out of their coma on Friday, but all in all, it was a fucking great week. I mean, it started out with that Monday night game. I didn't even know what the fuck happened. I was watching an episode of Yellowstone. I've been watching Yellowstone for the last couple months. That's like the fucking soprano rednecks. They don't fuck around up there, Doug. And I was just watching it.

I bet the game. I had a small bet on Cincinnati. I loved the under, you know, and I, and it was funny because Rich Vaz had called me. And he's like, I like the over. And, you know, I was kind of cheering for him. I bet the under, it was 25 bucks. I wasn't going to, it wasn't going to make me or break me. But I figured I always watched the game from half time on.

I watched like the last quarter on Monday night. Me and my wife watched something else. Maybe my daughter comes down. We watched some other shit. And I'm looking at the score and it's stuck on 73 and I'm like fuck, poor Rich Vaz. This under is coming in like a motherfucker, you know, because if you go on DraftKings right on the front page, just open it up to check the score and it'll tell you 10 to 3. It's a Monday night game, whatever the fuck it was.

And after a while, the episode ended and I put on, I invited a buddy of mine over from Buffalo. He lives around the corner. I go, you want to come on and watch the game? And he texts me and he's like, hey, it would have been weird for me to be over there right now with this shit happening. Can you believe what's happening? I didn't know what he was talking about. I'm like, okay, I'm watching Yellowstone. So when the Yellowstone ended, I fucking put the game on when my wife went up and I saw everybody kneel around the guy

and praying and what was going on. It was very sad. I'm happy they stopped the game. You know, it's rough when you see something like that. And then the fucking bullshit started. I mean, it was people were fighting on TV shows over it and, you know, the fucking COVID and about the vaccine. You know, people were going off about vaccine and the anti-vaxxers. He got hit hard in the chest and it's, uh, we live in a crazy world, guys.

Nothing could just happen anymore. Nobody could just slip on the fucking floor. Did you ever notice that? Nobody could slip. Nobody could just slip on a banana peel, get up, put a macuric chrome on their fucking knee and go to fuck home. It's like he slipped because it was a conspiracy. You know, I mean, it was a fucking tremendous week last week. I mean, people going out against Dana White for smacking his wife fucking people were going off.

You know, I even put, this is the funniest thing in the world. Listen, I got nothing against Dana. I love fucking Dana. Dana's been very good to me over the years. Whenever he sees me, he gives me a big hug and the whole thing. It's the last thing that you have seen needed, you know, by Dana smacking somebody. I don't know what happened. Neither do you.

I don't know what happened. Neither do you. You know, his wife smacked him. It was like a fucking canned reaction and people going off and a lot of people calling for more. More needs to be done about this, you know, and it's like, listen, man, it's done. It's time to move on. What could Dana do? Maybe raise awareness on it and help the UFC like make the rules a little tougher.

But there's to show people shit happens all the time and shit happens all the time when you're drinking. I'm very happy that my wife and I don't drink together. I've had one girlfriend that I used to party with and it never worked. It never worked for me. It really was a nightmare. That was one of the worst relationships. She's a great lady. I still talk to her.

I love her to death. But it was one of the worst relationships I was ever involved in because she drank heavily. I snorted and when she drank, she did coke. And when I snorted, I drank. So now here we are stuck in a room yelling at each other, you know, and this is why I don't like alcohol guys when it comes to all that shit. And listen, man, Dana made a mistake. He owned up to it, which is more than half these fucking people walking around and doing. We don't know what happened.

We weren't there. You know, it's like I tell you people you can't go anywhere no more because what a coincidence that somebody had a camera on him. Didn't his wife put out a statement too? Yeah, his wife put out a statement and the whole thing and that helps. But the damage has been done. It's a video. Listen, man, I respect Dana for fucking, you know, stepping up the way he did. Most men would have ran away with it.

Most people would have ran away from it. I'm sorry. Dana stepped up. He said the truth is what happened and it won't happen again. But I kept these agitators that are like, you know, get rid of them, fire them, do this, do that. You know, we've in today's world, we've forgotten that we're human anymore. This world culture has this that we're not human. We're not allowed to make mistakes no more.

What used to be a little fucking mistake, like just a little mistake, like a DUI. Listen, it happens. I'm not the king of, you know, I feel about these fucking things, but even a DUI happens. You don't know what happened. You had one too many gins. You didn't fucking weigh yourself. You didn't know it was going to stain your system and it happens. Now you have to think about why it happened and manning up to it.

You know, it's the people go, but I didn't even drink. I haven't had a drink in 12 hours. Well, you rake like a fucking gin mill. So what the fuck are we talking about here? You know, we're living in a world today. That it's nobody's fault. And even if it is their fault, they don't want to fucking come up and go. This is what happened.

And this is why it fucking happened. And most importantly, then it won't happen again. That's the most important thing. Liquid IV never killed nobody. Cocksuckers, a little fruit punch flavor, one package and the fucking thing zoom. I'm ready to go. I'm filled with sodium. My cells get to eat.

I don't give a fuck anymore, guys. But yeah, this shit's got to stop where now we have snitch snitches. Like, hey, man, we have to prosecute him. If it was a black man, listen, it's all how you react to things. And for Dana White, you know what? I made a joke on Monday on Tuesday. I was like, I'm coming up and smacking bitches like Dana White or smacking people. I didn't say bitch.

I didn't say a woman. I didn't say anything. Again, guys, it's a joke. It's a joke. And a couple of people hit me up on the side. That's pretty douchey. This would never happen 10 years ago. 10 years ago, I used to always make little jokes like that and people go hilarious, whatever.

We all knew it was a fucking joke. Now it's like, Joey, what the fuck? You're insult. I didn't insult anybody. But the good thing out of it, I woke up Wednesday and Elon Musk was following me on Twitter. So I must have said something fucking right, you know? So, guys, it's just cop to your shit anymore. Who gives a fuck?

They can't fucking judge you. But this woke culture, everything is a fucking mistake now. You say something wrong on whatever it's a mistake. And it's not just a mistake like it used to be. It's like the end of the fucking world. I had to stop reading like Yahoo Pay. Yahoo is the fucking white people drive me crazy page. They put shit on there.

I don't even know why they put a fucking on there. They're talking about shit that has nothing to do with you. And you have to look at it and go, what's this got to do with me? If I hear about the January 6 fucking thing one more time, what the fuck, guys? What the fuck? You know, they're comparing, I even saw comparisons of Dana White to Will Smith. Like a year later, like Jesus Christ, like don't you have anything better to do than to think about what happened a year ago with Will Smith.

Now they're trying to bring that fucking smack back in comparison. It was just a bad fucking New Year's Eve for a lot of people. Look at the other UFC fighter, Phil Barone. Fucking killed his girlfriend in Mexico. That guy's gonna rot under the fucking jail in Mexico. You know, again, we weren't there. We don't know what happened. It was an argument.

She cheated on him and told him on vacation. Why would you tell a fucking guy that's crazy that you cheated on him on vacation? He slammed her in the shower, whatever the fuck happened, you know. I didn't read the whole thing. Just somebody was telling me the other day. And I think the most disturbing thing that is on everybody's mind is, again, is the delir thing. Guys, he's a friend. I have not been around that crew in two and a half years.

You know, I did not know what happened. I was not on that tour. I was not. I'm just hearing about documentary and fucking. And I'm hearing about tour fucking managers and girls and, you know, guys, I got a 10-year-old. I don't know what the fuck to tell you anymore. When I was leaving LA, I was leaving in LA not to move, but I did it to shut a chapter in my life and move on to a next chapter. What I saw before I left, and it wasn't anything to do with sex or girls.

It was just a common attitude and what had happened to comedians in general, that I knew this wasn't going to get any better. It wasn't the pandemic. It wasn't Netflix. It wasn't anything. It was just things that changed in the world of comedy. When I moved to Los Angeles, a comedian, you know, toured 20 weeks. He shot a show 20 weeks, and he lived his life the other 20 weeks. You toured around Los Angeles.

You did the improvs. You did, well, back before I started, you did Igbis and the Ice House and all these other things. And then the game changed. The game changed, and it was more about, it wasn't about the brick wall and the microphone no more. It was about 200, you know, 300 C clubs and 400 C clubs and 600 C clubs and 700 C clubs and people trying to exploit it from everywhere. They could not understand. Things grow. Things are supposed to fucking evolve.

But it wasn't about the quality anymore. I mean, people shoot specials every fucking year and as a comic and as a comedy fan and as a comedy fucking whatever the fuck you might want to call me. Anybody knows. That's why I love the white dude that used to, Anthony? Anthony Jesalnik. I'm a big fan of Anthony Jesalnik because Anthony Jesalnik would run a material in a comedy club for a year. Then he moves on to a theater for a year. Then he shoots a special.

He's not worried about that check. Most people would take three years to shoot two specials. Anthony Jesalnik cares. He shoots one special. For that I applaud him. But what I'm talking about here, it just wasn't about me at the Comedy Store getting my dick sucked in 1997. It became something bigger than that on all fronts. You know, the podcast scene came in.

That blew up people. You know, I benefited a lot from the podcast scene because it was it went right back to where I'm one of my strong points, which is fucking storytelling. You know, so you can only fucking podcast. You tell stories. It's the pathway to fucking, you know, people really admiring you for whatever the fuck you do. Whatever stupid stories I said, you know, we had the podcast to that. Listen, guys, let's be honest. If you work the road like any of these guys, you have enough money.

That's a great comedy living. You add a podcast to it. It becomes even a greater podcast living. Now you say to yourself, how can I balance all this? How can I balance all this? How can I balance the comedy, the podcasting, the writing, the lifting, my family, my wife, you know, how can I balance all this? And if you really want it, like I did two podcasts a week and I did every other weekend on the road. Okay.

When I say every other weekend, it's four fucking shows a weekend, two and one theater to another theater. And you're out there fucking banging it every week, regardless. And now remember the weeks I'm off the weeks I'm not on the road doesn't mean I'm home fanning my balls with some guy feeding me fucking coconut chips. No, I'm doing Tuesday at the store. Not one show, two shows. Thursday at the show, two shows, maybe even three. An original room, a belly room, a main room, and maybe a 10 o'clock main room. I wouldn't go out on Fridays.

Fridays is for my family. And I went out on fucking Saturday nights to the ice house, the store, with the 930 spot, and whatever anybody else called me with. People always call you with something, hey, I got this room. This guy canceled. Can you stop buying, do 10 minutes? So I was always fucking moving. After a while, you're like, okay, what needs to be done here? Okay, I'm not seeing my wife enough.

She's bitching. I'm not seeing my daughter enough. She's bitching. You know, I've gained 13 pounds. I'm not working out, but my bank account is okay. And I'm having fun on the podcast. I'm doing all these things, but you look and you see what's my income and what's it causing to my family. I mean, what's the damage doing to me?

I'm a big fucking reader and I'm excited about 2023 because I started reading again. You know, I lost a little contact by not being on the road, none planes. I stopped reading. I love reading on a plane. There's nothing better than, you know, I love preparing to fucking read like getting in a corner and smoking a bomb hit and maybe getting a fucking Coke zero and putting ice cubes in it and knowing I'm not going to move for an hour and a half. If I move, it's to fucking take three more hits off that fucking joint. That's the only reason I'm moving. You know, you get so enthused about reading and I read for years.

I read about rock bands, you know, from guns and roses to arrow smith the fucking and when they got Nirvana and when they got off the road, basically they hate each other. They hate each other. And then they went away for a year and rode and play with the kid and smoke some different dope and then they came back and they all loved each other again. And they were creatively, creatively ready to pursue the next album. It's great to read books about rock stars and like we all have, you know, Mike likes Nirvana. But if I pull Mike aside, I'll go, Nirvana album, you didn't like Mike and he'll go out this one. I'm at this or whatever. And then years later, you read about it and you'll read out the record label was forcing them to make that out more.

They for fucking going at him for not putting like they want a ballad. The only reason we made that stupid song is because the record label kept asking for a fucking ballad. We don't do fucking ballads, you know. So I read all this shit about all these bands and how they would come home. And now Aerosmith, they hated each other so much they lived in a house and didn't talk to each other when they made rocks. They would have to sign a list to go to the studio so they didn't see one another. They ended up being the best band in the fucking world, you know, one of the best bands in the fucking world. But there's a balance.

In LA, they didn't want comics to have balance no more. All that was forgotten. You could tell your rage in ten times. My daughter's birthday is January 8th. They kept calling you to light your fucking... What about the 7th? Well, can you do the 9th? How about you leave early on the 8th?

What time is your party? Well, do the party at 5. You can leave by 7 and be on stage by 8. You're like, what the fuck are you motherfuckers talking about? So there was no balance anymore. Guys, what do you think was gonna fucking happen? What the fuck do you think was gonna happen? And there's no TV for these guys.

Why? Because TV don't pay. Come on, man. How can I expect Bert, Tom, Louis Gomez, Ari to do a sitcom when... You know what? If they go on the road one weekend, they make more money than work in ten days on that fucking sitcom. That's kind of fucking scary.

If I come to you and go, hey, I'm gonna pay you 5,000 bucks for ten days. You're gonna shoot a movie. That's 500 a day. Whatever. 6,000 for ten days. Then I come to you and I go, listen, I'm gonna give you five grand for two days. And pay for your plane ticket.

And pay for your meals. And you're gonna drink. And somebody's gonna suck your dick. And you know, you don't have to go to Costco, table reads or what would you rather do? You're like, okay, maybe it's a movie with somebody special that you've always wanted to work with. All right, I'm in. But unless, no.

So these guys will take these road gigs because think about it. These movies don't fucking pay you. You know, it was Tom Popper who talked me into doing the many saints in Newark because he told me when he did the fucking Liberace movie, he broke even. How the fuck do you break even on a fucking movie? That's sad fucking commentary that you went to acting class all your fucking life. You joined plays, you took shit from fucking immigrant fucking casting people and immigrant producers. You don't know what they're saying.

And now they want to pay you. You know, how the fuck is it that they wouldn't give me a fucking plane ticket for grudge match? It's a De Niro movie with Kevin Hart and I'm not saying nothing derogatory about De Niro Stallone or fucking Kevin Hart. But how do I not have a fucking plane ticket? So you think about all these things. These guys, they're forcing you to be not road comics, but road savages. At 50, you should be on a CBS show. You know what I'm saying?

Like that was the original plan for a lot of these guys. But no, it's completely different than they put pressure on you because Netflix won't give everybody a fucking special and they won't give you a reason or a rhyme. So you're walking around and going, why is this guy got a special? Why don't I have a fucking special? HBO started to wake up now with HBO Max, but they're not paying on these fucking specials supposedly. So it's like you, it's a tough, and I'm not whiny. I'm not the type of motherfucker that'll whine. But now looking back at my last four years of doing stand up in LA, they weren't pleasant at all.

They weren't pleasant. I did it because I was responsible and I wanted to make people laugh and I wanted to have a good time. But it wasn't my fucking be all end all. I knew something wasn't fucking right. I just kept doing it, but I'm like, why am I working this hard? Why am I doing all these things when I have a child and a kid? And I kept telling these agents, hey, man, you got to fucking stop killing these fucking guys. You people are killing these comics singlehandedly.

You're going to fucking kill them. How do I know? Because I see them. I see them at the road. I see them at airports. But we become as a... And listen, I say we because I did the same thing. You start accepting things that you would never accept it before.

But you're like, you know what? Fuck it. What can I do? I'm sick of arguing. I'm sick of raising my fucking hand. I'm sick of everything. I wasn't in a great position when I fucking left Los Angeles and I repeated it 3,000 times. My head was up my ass.

Shit was happening at the end the last eight months that was just unexplainable. They were just unexplainable. And then one day the walls came coming down and all these allegations of different people. And it was like, hasn't this not been suspicious to anybody how all these allegations came out against everybody all at once? Yeah, like all these allegations came out all at once, you know? And listen, I don't know what's true. I don't know what's not true. I know the ones I was involved in was just fucking a smokescreen and bullshit to the point where they reached out to Bill Burns and said,

listen, tell Joey we won't say anything about him no more if his people stop attacking us on Twitter. Yeah, this is what to tell your people. They didn't even know what the fuck they were fighting for. Crystal Lee has got seriously problems. I know they fucking were going to protest the show last week. I know that they banned him. I do not know if he ended up doing the weekend in San Diego. I'm out of the loop, so I don't know what's going on.

But I already entered a rehab for sex addiction or something. One of the articles had it on there and I really don't know what to say. Like if somebody called me right now and what did you see? What the hell? I didn't see any of this guys. I saw girls come to his shows and none of them had a fucking mom on and none of them were handcuffed. And none of them were, I didn't say, they were all there on voluntary basis, what I'm trying to say. So I don't know what's going on.

When I got out of the loop, I got out of the fucking loop. And I'm very happy. I don't look back. I love those guys. I love them all. But if you guys know anything about me, that's not what I got into comedy for. To cause all that problem, to go to war with all these guys. Yeah, and I'm not going to say I haven't had problems with comics in the past.

Because I have. I've done it for 30 years. You're going to have a problem with a couple guys, whatever. But then I'm going to roll over to YouTube. I don't want them to roll over to fucking my personal life and then everything I do on my podcast is about that. You know, for the last couple of years, I don't know what's going on on the Internet. It's not fun anymore. You know, it's not fun anymore when, you know, years ago I would post something that had no value to it.

Just a stupid throwaway joke. And I mean, the last couple of years, people question it. It's either one joke or two jokes or, you know, they didn't like how you said it or it's too early. I think I said some a couple of weeks ago, oh, it's too early. Go fuck yourself. You don't know what. Leave that shit up to me. I'm the comic.

You paint houses. I don't fucking come to you and tell you about not put that fucking trimming on there, whatever. Leave the timing up to me. I love fucking bad timing. I'm the king of bad timing. The only guy, by the way, guys, if you guys get a chance, do me a big favor. How about a big prayer for Dean Delray and his family, man? He lost his mom last week and I've been talking to him every day.

Nothing, nothing bothers me more than when somebody loses a mom. Nobody, and I've been telling you this motherfucker's for 11 years since I got on the podcast. The other night I woke up in the middle of the night and I just checked the Instagram and I saw that his mother had passed. And guys, I couldn't even sleep the rest of the fucking night because I know Dean. I know Dean and I know what his mother meant to him. And I thought he was in LA. So I got up the next day early and I fucking, I knew at 1201 I was going to have a phone into Dean. I called him like 1130 just to see and he was in Florida and I felt a lot better.

I got to talk to him. So he'll be in Florida for the next couple of weeks. You know, he lost a parent at the beginning of the fucking year. What a way to start a fucking year. So if you find it anywhere in your heart, you know, light a candle from say a prayer, send him something, you know. Yeah, candles lit, say something to him. He'll appreciate all of it, man. And he got accremated.

You know, I would have sent flowers or gone down to see Dean. The good thing about Dean is he's doing the last show with me at the fucking Sony Theater on the 29th. He's coming up. So I told him your family when you clean up all that mess down there, shoot up straight here. Let's hang out for a few days. Leo come, Michael come and we'll have a fucking dynamite time. I had a great fucking weekend this weekend, not jumping up and down weekend type like, you know, I got my dick sucked, right?

Two quailudes. It was a very different fucking grateful weekend. You know, I thought that by me getting older, I was going to turn 60. I'd be more concerned with me turning 60. I'd be depressed or I'd have to talk to a therapist or, and I tell you guys, it hasn't been anything like that. Like the countdown. I haven't even really thought about it. It's just, it's just a number, you know, for me.

I'm not even, I feel great. You know, I'm not in pain anywhere. My knees feel better. Like I said last week, this last week, I had one of the best weeks of my life because guys listen, I've done a lot of bad things, but I've done a lot of good things. Things that should have made me feel really good about what I was doing. And I did for the time being, you know, you book a fucking many saints. Anything is, is when you're an entertainer performer, you know, when you, when you get off stage and you have a great set,

you're really great for you. Like, wow, I can't believe I fucking did that or whatever. Last week, I went to Jiu Jitsu twice. Blue belt class. I've been going to that place for maybe 15 months now. And I've been eligible to go to blue belt class for maybe six months now, maybe seven months. And every week I always catch a core class. I'll catch a blue class and maybe two fundamental classes, which are like drilling classes.

And I can live with that, you know, but something always bothered me. I'm like, I can't make two blue classes. You know, I'm getting too old. The blue classes are a little, you know, who's ever teach them. They're a little deeper. You do a little bit of rolling. You do a live, a lot of live rolling, like starting from a back or starting from the turtle or starting from side control. And there's a lot of movement.

You drill a lot, you know, so you go up to burn over 500 calories. You know what I'm saying? You'll fucking burn it. 600, 700. And usually if I do it Tuesday, I'm dead till fucking Friday. Like it's over Joey, like you're in no danger. I'll catch the class Friday. So I'll go Monday, Tuesday and Friday.

And sometimes I'll go Tuesday. Sometimes I'll go Monday and I'll fuck around on Monday class and I'll get sore and then I won't be back till Thursday. And then I finish off the class strong with Friday. So I never really do two blue belt classes. Last week I did two blue belt classes and I got to tell you something. I felt more proud of that than fucking doing a Netflix special. Like I was like, was I this happy when I did my Netflix special or the other special for the scotch odds? No, this makes me fucking happy.

Like I was fucking walking on air for two days. Like I went to two blue belt classes this week. Good for Uncle fucking Joey. Yeah, you know, and I'm telling people like on the Patreon podcast, I told people that it's the little things. You know, like I see all these motivations shit on Instagram. And these guys are showing you watches with 20 million pieces of diamonds and they're showing you driving up to a fucking plane and they're telling you you're dead. If you don't do this and shit, you know, but and so now it leaves you going. Well, nothing really happens big in my life until I get a watch with any meal and fucking diamonds on it or nothing's going to happen.

Unless I fly in a private Jane, I'm flying on a private plane smoking a cigar, eating fucking food by myself, showing you how important I am. That's what I told you about before, like that whole thing that was going on with Tom, you know, that people like I know for me, I would feel insecure. If I'm trying to make striving and you're showing me fucking pictures of a watch with 28 fucking diamonds. In my world, when I was 20, 22, 25, I'd be insecure when I'm 35. I'm like, yeah, that's what I get. I'm a piece of shit for that fucking working. And this is what I get, you know, but nobody ever tells you about the little accomplishments. How you get to being grateful for that fucking watch or how you're grateful for sitting in the back of a private plane with a cigar and telling your story to people, whoever gives a fuck, you know.

But it starts with little things, guys. It doesn't start with a fucking $80,000 watch. Like this is my watch. This is what you should be working for. No, you should be working for the little things. And I thought of this last week, like how happy I felt on Friday. I couldn't even tell my wife, like, you know, understand, I did two blue belt classes this week. Like I was just so grateful, but I was grateful.

And at the same time, I'm like, this is what I've been saying for years, little steps become big steps. That's it. It took me a fucking year to do. Hey, it might take you six months. Joey's a loser, but I did it. And next week, I might do two blue belt classes and a core class. And the week after that, I might do two blue belt classes and a black belt class, but I'm on my way. I don't celebrate the little fucking things, man.

I swear to God, because we live in such a pressure fucking world anymore. Like you got to drive a Maserati and you got to have a blonde with fake tits and you got to be able to smoke a cigar in the back of a private plane. And when they tell you these things, they tell you in a condescending type of way to make you even feel worse. And I look at this and I'm like, these people, no wonder we're fucking crazy. We don't even know how to celebrate the little fucking things anymore. Everything's got to be a Maserati. How are you going to go from driving your fucking bicycle on Martin Luther King Boulevard to driving a Maserati? Can somebody please fucking tell me that?

Unless somebody leaves you a lottery ticket with $18 billion, it's basically impossible. You're going to have to take little fucking steps along the way. Maybe you go or fucking what's those electric cars, those Priuses. There's got to be something. No, you're not going to go from a fucking skateboard right to a goddamn Maserati. So that's why I was looking at that and I was looking what happened to me last week and I'm like, this is what happens to people. This is why people aren't satisfied in their lives because they're waiting for the big ship to come and they never celebrate the little crab boat. That might show up and give you a piece of sushi.

You're like, ah, he showed up and he just gave me a piece of sushi. Who else was giving you a fucking piece of sushi? It's like I tell my wife, whenever I go, we getting any checks today, she's like, hey, you got to check for $1.39. I go, who sent you a check today, cock sucker? Nobody sent you a fucking check today. I got to check for $1.39. That's a lot better than anybody else is doing for anybody. Ain't that a bitch?

Yeah, it was fucking great, man. I can't believe I got to do it at 60, you know? So fuck it. The sky is the limit. Age is just the fucking number and you got to go to forbid yourself. Everybody would think by now I'd be saying, well, I'm going to go into an arena and I got no interest for any of that shit. That shit fucking sailed. Another thing that happened last week was my daughter turned 10.

My daughter's birthday was officially yesterday, the 8th of January. The reason why I gave you that fucking, he had beaten about turning 60 is because I thought I'd be concerned with turning 60. Like, oh, I'm 50 days away from turning 60, this and this and this. That's what I have been thinking about. I'm like, that's what I'm going to concern myself with until about midweek, until about Wednesday. And I'm like, holy fuck. Mercy is going to be 10 years old. And I thought about a conversation my wife and I had when we started dating.

And I thought about a conversation. No, not even a conversation. I thought about what I was thinking. And I remember my wife and I having a talk one night. She had a couple cocktails in her. I'd had a couple lines of coke in me. I remember we were trying to talk, but I kept looking at the bottom of the door because I was paranoid. I kept seeing somebody walk by the fucking, the door thing.

I'll never forget this night. And she was telling me concerns of her thinking she wouldn't be able to have a child again. We weren't even talking about us having children. We were just talking about, we had just met. They'd been together 10 months. Nobody's going to want to have a kid with me after 10 months or nothing. We were just talking about concerns. And she was telling me that she just didn't think it was ever going to happen for her, you know, her childhood, where she was from.

And I remember telling her like, this is what happened to me, you know. I failed, is it that? I fucking failed. I failed, you know. And so I have no fucking interest. I have no interest. The only interest I have with kids, if Mike wants to bring his kid over to watch a football game, we'll watch it, we'll play, shoot pool. I had no interest for a child.

So I committed to comedy and she committed to her fucking life. And somewhere along the line, we met in the middle and I got my shit together. I stopped doing drugs and I fucking proposed to her and then, I don't know, four years later she came up fucking pregnant. And again, I had my doubts. I knew who I was and I knew what I had done before. And when she told us she was pregnant between me and you guys, I gave myself a year with her. And Mike, after she has the child, I'll probably, I'll probably give her about a year to realize what everybody else in my life has realized that I'm damaged goods. I'm not going to be any good for this child.

This is not going to be any good for me and it's really not going to be good for you. And I remember being, her being about seven months and we were at a place called The Habit. That cheeseburger joint, not the best cheeseburger. So it was the only thing we had in Studio City. They had like nice chicken sandwiches. We were over there eating one day and she was explaining to me, you know, about her child and all this and I'm like, listen, I'm going to tell you something. I'm going to give you money for the kid. I love you to death.

I'm going to love this kid, but I can't tell you my involvement with this child. I'm all in one. Like I was, I was, I have a folder of the reasons why I wasn't going to be a good dad, even a good human being or even a fucking good father. Like I did. I have a folder of things telling me why. Like not that I wrote down Mike saying you're a loser, but I like to have paperwork from courts. I have paperwork from judges. I have paperwork from prisons.

I got paperwork out the ass telling me that I would never even make it to be a good fucking man. You know, I had my doubts over the years and listen, when I met Terry, I didn't know what direction my life was going to be in. I was just going to fucking stick it out with her until like I said, she realized what everybody else realized that I had nothing going on for me and nothing was ever going to come out for me. And you know, we put our heads down and I cleaned up my act a little bit. Again, not, not even think like you thought I was at home going, I'm cleaning up my act because I want to have a kid. You're out of your mind. I was just cleaning up my act. So I wouldn't die.

I didn't want to die like fucking. I didn't want to die in no D. I didn't want to fucking die with coke in my nose. I wanted to give myself a fair fucking chance at this fucking world. And I did. And also one day she came to me. She was pregnant. I'm like, good luck.

Good luck. Here we go. What's that fucking death leper song? Bring it on the heartache. Here we go. This is not going to work for everybody involved. And fucking Sunday yesterday was a 10th birthday. I think I grabbed my wife like Thursday.

I'm like, can I talk to you? Like at night after mercy went to sleep. And I just remind her of all the shit. And I go, this birthday is so fucking important. This, this is the most important thing I've ever done in my life this 10th birthday. And then it dawned on me. You ever have like your own birthday and you see like you have like a grandmother or mom who's more excited about your birthday than you are. You ever have that like your dad or something?

We're so excited for your birthday. You're like, whatever. You know, it's just a fucking birthday. I'm just turning 17. All you're excited about is that gift card or that fucking hundred dollar bill that grandma puts in the thing. You don't give a fuck. Now I realized, now I realized why your parents get so excited on your birthdays. Now I realized.

And for me, I was really fucking like this was a feather in my fucking cap bitch. This is, this is, I'm telling you guys, like I didn't even dawn on this. I had not been thinking about this. This never even crossed my fucking mind till this past goddamn week that I was like, this little girl has been in my life for 10 years. On my standards, I've been a model citizen those 10 fucking years. On my standards, I'm who I was before and who I am now. I have been a model fucking citizen. When I got here, I realized that me leaving at night, like I got to go do a show that was not going to work anymore.

That was not going to work anymore. She wanted me to be a fucking dad. That shit was not going to work no more. She told me this the new years before the pandemic 2020 was the pandemic. That's when she pulled me aside. New Year's Eve or Huntington Beach. And she's like, my fucking aunt was here this weekend and you were only with her for like an hour. And she goes, I know it was heavy on mom.

You got to be around more. And I was like, you know what, man, she ain't lying. And if you saw my schedule for the pandemic that year, I didn't have a lot of work. I had one week a month until July or June or something like that. And then September, I was picking it up, but I hadn't even booked the week out yet. The year up. I think the only thing I had in the fall was Parks Casino. Like I had this year, I was slowing it down already.

The pandemic just speeded it made me think about what I really wanted to do in my life. And I cannot fucking believe I'm a parent for 10 years now. I fucking failed as a parent guys. I fucking failed. And when I realized I didn't really fail like the way I'm saying it, but I didn't have a chance. I was not going to be the parent that I wanted to be there. We're never going to allow that. And I was too hard hard headed to accept it any other way.

I said, you know what, fuck you motherfuckers. I'm not doing this. And now she's going to be 33 in three weeks. And we haven't seen each other in close to over 20 fucking years, but this is what happened. And I was just going to lay down and take this losses. It's never going to work again. Thank God. Thank God.

I got another chance even though I was fucking petrified. God damn chance. And I wrapped my fucking arms around it. And here we are. And she's a happy little fucking girl. She's got a way better life at 10 than my wife and I had at 10 o'clock. I was damaged fucking goods. Do you understand me that at 10 years old, I was damaged fucking goods.

The story about the nun, that happened when I was 10. My daughter is so far away from ever lifting her hand to a fucking nun or anybody. It is just, it is just, it's been a real honor to see this. And it has been a real honor for me to be a part of this shit. If you guys think I give a fuck about who's doing because who's doing theaters or who's involved in a fucking child porn thing and all this shit. You people are fucking crazy. That's the last thing I want to hear about. I don't know what's going on out there anymore.

Half those guys don't even talk to me anymore and it's okay. I talked to Tom this last week. I talked to Brett from time to time. Theo checks in with me from time to time. Ari's my fucking brother. Duncan's my brother. Red Band's my brother. Joe's my brother.

Beside that, I really couldn't tell you what the fuck is going on. I talked to Eleanor from time to time. I talked to Josh Wolf. I talked to my man Ryan Sickler. But that's it guys. I don't know what's going on out there. I don't hear from those guys. I know that fucking Theo is in war with Brendan and Bobby Lee is in war with Brendan and I just saw somebody else is at war with Brendan.

I don't know anything about that. And that's not why I got into this business. Not any of this. I just want my little nook here in fucking New Jersey. Well, I get to come up here with twice a week and fuck with you motherfuckers and bust your jokes. Maybe tell you a story that you get something from or that you maybe don't get something from. Makes no difference to me anymore guys. I'm just trying to have a good fucking time.

I'm turning 60. I'm an old fucking man with a big dick and a new fucking heart. And that's it. And that's that man. I'm just excited on little things anymore. Ten fucking years I've been a parent. I was told that I couldn't fucking make it doing anything. And I'm a parent for ten fucking years.

Guys, don't believe what they tell you. Do not believe anything. This has turned out to be a fucking wonderful journey for me. Regardless of what happened early on. Regardless of that shit. Who cares? That's gone. That's never going to happen again.

I mean people are going to fucking come and go. But I'm never going to be put in that position again. I don't even care about that shit anymore. Fuck it. It's 2023 motherfuckers. Time to learn and do new fucking things. And I tell you, you can hear this from me. If you thought something wasn't going to pan out for you now.

Give me a second shot. Just because you quit the first time doesn't mean you really quit. You just took some time off to look at it the right way. Because you know that you need it. When I got into comedy in 91. I used to tell people, yeah I did comedy from 91. But it was 93 when I really got a grasp on what I had to do. And my, was it a waste of time that I did comedy for two years?

Kind of sort of. Because I was doing it all wrong. But I would have never learned to do it right if I wasn't involved in those two years. You know, my game year guitar two years ago. I played at a teacher on Zoom. It just didn't work for me on Zoom. There was two things that turned me off about playing the guitar. The Zoom lessons.

And everybody telling me about my thumb. Every time I'd get a guitar player from Rudy, he would yell at me. Or one of my friends would help me with a lesson. They would always tell me about my thumb. That my thumb sticked out. And then I look at fucking slash and his thumb is sticking out. I look at whatever. I see that their thumb is sticking out.

I understand when you learn something that they teach you for you. So you don't pick up bad habits. Maybe showing your thumb is a bad habit. I got a little down on the guitar and I didn't touch it for like four fucking months. And the whole time I was like, wait a second. It's not that I can't play the guitar. I got to figure out how I could play it, learn something and attack it. So I talked to a guy about three weeks ago, before the holidays.

And I was like, hey man, I like to do guitar lessons. And we talked. I just don't want them on Zoom. But then that sucks is that I got to pick the guitar up, put in the fucking thing, pack my little speaker and take it somewhere else. And that's a fucking nightmare because I don't want to break the thing. I don't want to hurt it. So now I'm ready.

So I'm going to start lessons with him in two weeks. Did I quit the guitar? No, not at all. I just took a break to see how to do it to work for me. You know, a couple of years ago I ripped my fucking hand strength. I thought I was done with you, Jiu Jitsu. I was like, you know what? I was never really that good at it.

I was never really that good at it and I'm older and now the thing. But those two years I didn't train. I kept thinking to myself, fuck, if I could do it again, this is how I would do it. If I could do it again, this is how I needed to do it. And I saw an interview with Roger Gracie and he was talking about that people go to Jiu Jitsu and their mind, they go to get tougher. And that's not what you have to focus on. You have to focus on going to get better.

So I was going to Jiu Jitsu all these times a week and thinking I was doing it right now. I went back now and now I'm training it better. I'm not going for quantity anymore. I'm going for quality. So if you tried something and it didn't work for you at one time, whether it's selling fucking balloons at the carnival and you came home and after six months you're like, I could have been a good fucking balloon salesman. I just didn't fucking do it the right way. I didn't attack it the right way.

And this has happened to me for years. I didn't attack something the right way. And you're like, why would I quit that? You know, I suffered a lot from quitting basketball when I did as a kid. To this day, if I had a second chance of not quitting, I would have fucking stuck with that. If I could turn the clocks back, I would just focus on basketball now, even if I was going to end up being five foot ten. It didn't matter. It didn't matter.

But when I was getting old, I was like, look at my mother. My mother's a half a midget. My father's six foot four. I look at my uncles. They're all six foot one. I'm in no danger of being a fucking college forward. So I lost in my mind. Sun Zoo.

Most battles are fought before that one. Most battles are won before they're fought. So do you see what I'm going with this sometimes, man? It's just your mental preparation for some. So it's 2023. You got it. You got a fucking chance to be a fucking killer this year. Maybe you have a chance of being a killer.

It's something that you thought you failed at. And you failed at it. Not because you failed at it. You just felt you failed at it because you didn't attack it the right way. And trust me, guys, when I got into comedy, I thought I was attacking it the right way. It took me to fucking maybe three years to realize that I wasn't. I didn't panic.

I picked up the fucking new notebook. I got back to my Judy Brown book and I asserted the fucking things I had learned. And guess what? My fucking 95. That was a complete different comic. So the two year growth between 93 and 95 was a lot better than the two year growth that between 91 and 93 because I attacked it a lot better. So if you're looking at your goals in 2023 or things you're going to do better,

revisit the past because you got to know your past if you know your motherfucker to know your motherfucking future public enemy. You don't think I pay attention, cocksuckers, do you? But no, all jokes aside. And that's what I've done. I do it all the time. I attack something. It doesn't work out for me.

How can I do it better? Boom. And I do it better for years. I did this fucking kettlebell workout and I would walk around my wrist with her from doing the cleans and slamming your wrist. Then I had to research the fucking knee surgery and I'm like, I can't do this no more. But I miss doing it.

I figured out a way how to do it. I lowered it down to fucking weights. And now I can at least do some swings. I can do some fucking cleans. I'm not looking to be Johnny fucking Olympia. I'm not looking to be, you know, when the, I'm just looking to be strong and have keep my dick hard, you know, when you're turning, when you're getting older, you want to keep that dick hard.

So you're not going to look at me and go, I can't lift weights. Yes, you can. If you follow Frank Zane on fucking Instagram, he's 74. This guy was Mr. Olympia. I don't know how many times he's 74. He still looks like a G. You can't win no fucking bodybuilding contest, but he's healthy. He's does everything with dumbbells and cables now.

So I do what the fuck he does. I'm not Frank Zane, but at least I'm keeping myself alive. And that's the most important fucking thing, guys. It's 2020, 2023. It's a whole new fucking year. You're not doing anything wrong. Just learn how to attack right and learn how to make your fucking strikes count even more. And that's what I got to do at my age now.

So if it works for me, it's going to work for you motherfuckers. And that's the Monday motivation. January night, 2023. Take that and put it in the bank. Laughing gas is back in Jersey. So don't forget to contact my people at motherfuckingstonaclub.com. Let them know you want some fucking. I think they got rainbow ruts at 38%.

Fucking bust out the Indians. And that's it, man. We're back to fucking normal. Laughing gas is ripping and rocking. It's number one brand in fucking California. So if you get your hands on it, get your hands on it. I got one date left and that's the 28th of January. And then we'll see where we're at.

The book is officially fucking in tomorrow. I got to okay the cover and I got to get an endorsement from my man motherfucking TJ English. And then it's tip top motherfucking Magoo guys. So I get ready April 23rd and I'm better than ever. I don't know what's going to happen this year, but at least we'll keep this alive for January. We're only doing one podcast a week. And in a couple of weeks, I'll let you know what the fuck is going on.

I went to look at three offices this week. The two close to here are both dumps. The one in red bank was very nice and I really wanted it and I offered the guy a deposit, but he doesn't know if the present tenant is going to resign. So he said he'd let me know in the next 10 days. But at least some people called me back. Yeah man, I'm excited about this. I want to do something else.

I want to get out of my house. This has been good, but it's time to get the fuck out of here. She wants to move into this room. That's not happening. I'm going to put a full-time office in here. Like just a work office, not like to do videos and shit like that. So that's the deal you bad motherfuckers. It's the joint Monday, the 9th of fucking January.

Get your shit together. I love you cocksuckers with all my heart. Do not forget, we got TCU against Georgia tonight. And now for a word from my motherfucking sponsors, DraftKings tonight, cocksucker. All right you motherfuckers, thank you for supporting me today. Thank you. It's a great fucking day to be alive. So get your day started, right?

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