Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #226 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: January 16, 2023

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What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? Uncle Joey here and a beautiful cold. Monday fucking morning, the 16th of January. I like what people have been teasing me since I moved to Jersey. There's always one fucking knucklehead like, hey man, how's Jersey? Are you done with the cold weather yet, bitch? We've been rocking in the 60s fucking December. I mean, it's been a very weird winter. I'm not going to call you up and bust your balls like, hey, it's raining in California.

It's sunny here in 40 today. Who gives a fuck? Because I know you got to pay the piper. Listen, we're going to get 100 inches of snow. It's either scattered between three months or it could all hit you in February. You follow me? I mean, it's just, I know in the back of my head through experience, the winters are a motherfucking these coasts. And yeah, my last two winters here have been a little on the mile side. We haven't lost any fucking nobody loses a day from transportation and shit like that.

But those days are fucking coming. I understand everybody talking about global warming and shit. It has fucking changed. I mean, it's, listen, it's wildcard weekend. Okay. And the NFL, whenever I think of wildcard, I think of fucking cold weather. It takes me back to maybe 1994. I had a gig in one of those fucking freezer towns. When I say, it's just a freezer.

When you get there, it's either Wyoming or Montana. I think it was Wyoming because it's closer to Boulder. It was like a two, three hour drive. And I'll never forget this as long as I live. This is what I, whenever I hear wildcard, that's what I fucking think about. Cause it was one of those San Francisco 49 a days. They can Dallas and some shit. And I'll never forget like there was no coke in Wyoming.

I just went back to my hotel room and fucking looked out a window and listen to country music. What the fuck they do. And I just couldn't fall asleep. And the next morning I woke up, you know, late, like I missed a little. Hot cake breakfast that they had the thing. And I asked the guy, Hey man, do you mind? What do I eat breakfast around here? Do you mind?

What do I eat breakfast around? He's like, Oh, there's a breakfast spot about two blocks away. It's like a five minute walk, seven minute walk. I go, All right. No, he didn't even say like a five minute walk. He says like a seven minute drive, you know, and I'm like, I could do that in my sleep. You know, I'm 30 years old. Let's do this.

I bundled up. And as I was hitting the door, he goes, yeah, he goes, you have a car. And I go, no, I'm going to walk. He goes, you're not going to make it. I go, look at this fucking bump. Fuck doesn't know I came from Blizzard city. NYC, you know, dog three fucking minutes, three minutes. I was getting hit with gust of fucking air.

I'll never forget going inside like just going to fuck it. I'll live with hunger pains. I'll live on chips. I'll never forget going back and feeling how long it took mental pants to warm up. Like my pants had just surrounded my fucking legs and they were freezing. I had no long underwear. I had layers. You know, you put fucking layers on, but it was brutal.

And it's, it's, it's now I look around January 15th. We've had about 10, 60 degree days so far in January, maybe five. And then I've been like 40 and 50. But this week, the windshield fucking went down the winch, the wind's blowing. And once that fucking winds blowing, it's nappy new, new time. And I got to be honest with you guys about something. Somebody is going to call me a pussy or whatever. I don't know if I was away too long.

I don't know what it was. Uncle Joey in cold weather. It ain't clicking no more like it used to. I love fucking cold weather. It never bothered me. You know, and you hear people tell you, oh, I go to Florida in the winter. You know, my bones. I'm going to tell you something.

My bones don't hurt. Nothing freezes up on me. I tell you the worst part of living in the East coast. And this is for me getting in your car in the morning. That's it. That's it. I love going out there, starting that motherfucker up. I put the seats on fucking fire.

I put the car on Satan and I just come in the house and I won't go out there to that mother. So I see the windows melting. I'm getting that car in the first five minutes. I'm like, fuck, I got to take my jacket off. It's burning in here. I can't deal with it. Like when I go somewhere, if I know I got to go somewhere and I'm in that place for a while,

I fucking run outside. I start the car and I go back in. I don't give a fuck anymore. You want to take my Subaru fucking take it. It's going to be warm when you take it. You know what I'm saying? But I'm done. I can't.

I don't know. I told Jimmy a couple of weeks ago, like we used to go to rec games fucking on October. Once the sun goes down this bitch at night in October. Once you go to these softball games and all this activity shit out here. And it's great. It's beautiful. So the fucking sun gets behind those trees and you're like, holy shit. It's fucking cool.

I can't do it no more. And guys, I lived in Colorado for 12 years. And I know a lot of you people like, well, if you lived in Colorado, here's the thing when I lived in Boulder, Aspen and Snowmass. When I was there for 12 years, 13 years, I probably had 10 days where I was like, this is not good. Maybe, maybe 10 days. Maybe, maybe.

I don't even think it was 10 days. Just, you know, Colorado is not that cold on paper. You see all the snow and shit. It scares you. I still remember going to a Monday night football game in Colorado, Kansas City against Denver when Joe Montana played for fucking Kansas City when he got traded. It was, you know, I don't know what it was supposed to be out. People were like dressed warm.

I still remember taking off my jacket. Like the, you know, and I had layers on two T shirts, a sweatshirt, maybe a hooded sweatshirt, whatever the fuck. But I had like one of those down jackets, whatever. I was dying of heat. I was like, this is fucking hot. On Monday night football, I was warm. I still remember hitchhiking and Aspen with a fucking T-shirt on and a pillowcase with

my lunch in there. And people pull up next to me and go, are you not cold? And I'm like, no. I still remember being fucking freezing and me walking around with a flannel T-shirt and that was it. As a matter of fact, I had a cop talking to me once and Aspen because I went out with my flannel underwear on. You know those long johns, the old school long johns?

In North Bergen, we always wore them out. Fuck it. Just put a pair of long johns on. As long as you have underwear underneath and your fucking balls aren't swinging from side to side insulting people, nobody's going to say nothing to you. So I would put fucking long johns on with a long john T-shirt. That would be walking down. People would be looking at me with work boots on, with long john suit with work boots.

What the fuck are you thinking? Aren't you fucking cold? No. That's why they're called fucking goddamn warm suits. Whatever. I don't even know what they're called. But man, I don't know what it's been. The last couple of times I come back east to do comedy on the road.

I'm like, Jesus, because you know, I don't have a winter jacket. Who has a winter jacket living in California? So I moved here without a, I got one winter jacket. It's a fucking jacket I took from the dog that saved fucking one of those movies I did with the fucking dogs. We did the one in Colorado and it was freezing. And they were like, you need a winter jacket. I'm like, I ain't got one.

I live in fucking California. Why would I have a fucking winter jacket? And they gave me a winter jacket. I still got it upstairs. I fucking hate it. It's brown, but who, you know, where I lived, who needed a fucking winter jacket? Now my wife for Christmas finally got me a fucking tremendous winter jacket. And I mean, I told her, because I saw it advertised somewhere that it's warmest jacket out.

I'm like, listen, I don't know what your budget is for Christmas, but just give me one fucking thing and just give me that fucking jacket. And she gave it to me. This time I put, I don't even know what type of jacket it is. It was one of those Colorado ski jackets. I saw it advertised that they put a lining of, it looks like aluminum foil. My jacket looks like fucking aluminum foil. If I show you the inside, you're like, what the fuck?

Guys, this time I put that motherfucker on the car and I got to take it. I sweat my boy. If you zip this bitch up to the top and you drive around, you're like, God damn it. I got it. It's like a Norther, you guys know what Norvethack is. It's like a fucking thing you put on your legs or your arms and it opens up Norvethack. That's what it's called. They have my cryotherapy places, whatever.

Who gives a fuck? So it happens when you smoke reefer on a Monday morning, cocksuckers. It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. Guys, I don't know if you've noticed this, it is the 16th of the month. Again, it is the 16th of the fucking month. When the fuck did the last two weeks go? We were just popping champagne bottles talking about how bad Dick Clark show was this year. And it's already the 16th of the fucking month.

I'm just telling you guys a little piece of fucking advice for you, young, whatever. You know, I'm being 24 and going, I need to get my shit together. Nah, fuck it, I'm 24. I got till I'm 30. That was the back of my mind. I was always like, I'm 24, so what? I don't have a fucking car. I got till I'm 30, so what?

That's when you think you're going to get serious. I'm going to tell you something, 30 sneaks up on you, quicken it up, motherfucker. Especially when you're having fun, when you're having unhovers and you're eating ass and you're waking up with foam coming out of your mouth and shit like that. You're having a good time, but it goes by fucking fast. And every once in a while, you like that fucking groundhog that pops his head up. I swear to God, that's how my life felt. That's how my life felt.

Every once in a while, you pop your head up and you're like, hmm, I'm 29. Fuck it. I got three more years to snort coke. I'll grow it. And then one day you wake up when you're 36 and you're like, fuck. I still live in an apartment. You know, I'm driving a car that's held by duct tape. I have no fucking wardrobe.

You know, and I'm talking about me, guys. I'm not talking about anybody else. I'm talking about me at 37 years old. When I met Terry, I had a fucking bag and that was my possessions. I had a bag filled with three pair of jeans, maybe four pair of socks, underwear. That was what I was looking at when I was 37. When I met Terry, I was at her apartment one day and I'm like, I'm 37 and I have fucking nothing. This ain't no fucking joke.

That's how fast time moved. I was 26 out of prison, dancing the halfway house, getting into comedy. You know, and you're like, yeah, I'm going to get my life together. I'm going to get my life together. I'm going to get my life together. And dog one day I was 32 and I was trying to get serious about my life. And next thing you know, I was 37 and a half years old and I had nothing. I was a regular at the fucking store.

I had balls of steel and a lot of heart, but three dollars in my pocket, no finances, no car, no nothing. And it was time at 37. I was basically 20 fucking one. Like if you really think of how immature I was, I had nothing at 37. Nothing guys. But I had popped my head up and I'm like, holy fuck, where the fuck did the time go? And you start looking at your friends and they already have kids and creepy. It's a lot worse than feeling creepy.

You just feel like shit. You know, we're talking about this couple of weeks ago with the sagora thing when he was, you know, bitching that people bitch at him. Guys, that is such a rough patch. Like my 20s and 30s needed, I needed therapy to recover from those motherfuckers. And then I got right into comedy, which is a no world. You know, everybody's telling you, no, you can't do this. We can't represent you. You didn't book this.

You didn't book that. You're not good enough to do this. And you got to fight yourself through all that shit. You know, for me, it was wild. Before I get into this even further, just be cautious to your time. That's the biggest advice somebody gave me one time. I didn't take, I didn't even think of the advice that motherfucker gave me till I was like 40. I was like, I remember what Jim Handy told me one day to be cautious with your time, you know, you don't know how much you have of it.

You don't know. You might as well jump on it. And then there's the two train of thoughts, guys. There's our party till I'm 30 and I'll fucking work till I'm 65. You know, listen, I'm going to tell you something, guys, and it's overwhelming. It's overrated. There's no such thing as retirement. You know, there's no such thing as retirement.

You know, I talk to my uncle a lot. I'm really tight. My uncle and I have become great friends over the years and even tighter since I left California. He's gained my respect and I've gained his respect. And we talk about a lot of things. He's 85. This motherfucker still stays up two nights a week working. It takes him all week to recover.

Like he recovers all fucking week. He has to walk and lift weights and, you know, eat and sleep. But there's two nights a week. He goes into work at nine o'clock and he doesn't get home till five in the morning. He's 85 fucking years old. And I talk to him. I ask him questions. How do you feel?

What's your health like? Listen, when I talk to him, I feel pretty fucking good. I got a chance to last till 85. Now, I don't want to be 85. I'm going to be all fucked up with fucking spots on my face and, you know, I'm puking and I'm wearing a bag. Nobody wants to be 85 and stuff. I mean, nobody wants to die either. You don't want to fucking just go.

I don't want to be that age. I just want to die. But I look at my uncle and I'm like, you know what? There's some hope. My aunt's 78. I got another uncle who's 88 in Cuba. His older brother is still alive. So I go to them for advice.

Like I'm not advice, but, you know, what do you do till last to fucking 88, you know? And Carmine Balzano once told me when you stop using it, you lose it. You know, I'm not the type that's going to get up in the morning and go fishing. I'm not the type that's going to get up in the morning. I've thought of things to do as I get older. I mean, I like broadcasting. I got it down to one day a week. I enjoy, I enjoy talking about sports and I enjoy talking about gambling.

That's why I work with DraftKings. That's the reason why it's, it's just easy for me. I love, I'm not a gambling degenerate. I'm not fucking going to every track. I'm not scoping out information. I do a fucking whatever. Yesterday it was three games. I think I bet two of them.

And I move on with my fucking life. It doesn't dictate me, but I fucking enjoy it, you know? And that's what I enjoy now. But back to what we were talking about. You have the two trains of thoughts. You could bust your ass and take your life a little easier. Like when you're 40, which I never had the opportunity to do that life, like to have a house or anything, or you could listen, it's your fucking journey.

It's your journey. So you pick it. If you're not, if you're okay by looking at other people and not getting feeling insecure, like I always felt insecure. I'm 32. I don't have this. I'm 35. I don't have this.

I'm 40. I don't have this. Right now in the state that we're at in this country, it's going to be very hard for somebody young to buy a house. It's fucking horrible, horrible. And guess what? They don't want you to have a house. They don't want you to have a house.

They want you to rent the rest of your fucking life. So don't feel bad about that. You know, I was fucking, I didn't have my first car. I don't know how fucking old I was. I had friends that had fucking Z28s when they were 16 and a half. I didn't even have a car until I was 17. I'm on a fucking number one bus. We're going up to Kennedy Boulevard, busting my ass,

waiting for the bus in the wintertime. That's shitty fucking life, but I did it. And I pay, you know, I wanted to snort coke and jump up and down. You know, you can't have your fucking cake and eat it too. You know, that's the way life is. So for me, I didn't know what was going to happen. I just wanted to fucking die at some point in my life. I was like, why am I still alive?

I snort coke with two hands. I eat potato chips. You know, I don't take care of myself, but I don't know. Somebody had a bigger fucking plan. But for me, it was, I lucked out. Somebody told me these words one time and I took them to heart because it fit me and who I was. And it's like it's not a sprint.

It's a fucking marathon. And you do it to how it works for you and how accordingly it works for you. Don't worry about the people around you are doing. That will put you in a fucking grave. That will make you go to therapy if you start comparing yourself to other people. And listen, I didn't learn that till I started going to Jiu Jitsu. That if I look at a 20 year old and go, why am I doing that? Joey, you got him by 40 fucking years.

You know, you could do everything you want in the world. You're not going to be able to do that. But there's things you're going to be able to do. Work on those. Who's better than your uncle Joey? Fuckin' nobody, cocksuckers. Talk to you about fucking Lisa Yat. You know, Mike and I were talking some shit about Lisa Yat before.

Guys, if today, if the church was still around, let's get back to what Mike and I were covering. We were talking about comparisons and shit like that with your life. I was just telling Mike how after Lee did the last zoom, not the last zoom, the last time Lee was in studio and we did a podcast. I don't know, maybe two, three months ago. I realized that Lee and I career as podcasters were really officially over. When we ended the church, we ended amicably and it was just a great run. Eight years, time to move the fuck on.

We couldn't leave that life anymore, whatever. It was just rough on us. The edibles, the 10,000 milligrams of fucking night. My piss was coming out purple with smoke on it. Smoke would come out of my dick. Then piss would come out. Then a little smoke would come out of your dick. When that happens, you got a fucking problem.

So I was telling Mike that fucking, you know, when Lee was here last podcast we did together, that was when I left here and I was a little sad that day. After the podcast was up, I didn't say nothing to anybody. I never thought of doing the church again. Like I never, because I knew there was no way. There was no way we could keep up with the smoke in and the edibles. There's no way. That was just a window in time.

You know what I'm saying? But I realized that day that we were done as podcast partners. We're still great friends. I love them with all my heart, but as far as partners or whatever that was done with podcast type shit, you know. And I was telling Mike before that Lee and I were talking a few weeks ago and he was telling me, you know, we're talking about the church. And if we did the church again, like, I don't have the time. It's so funny how your life changes. When we did the church, it was a five hour minimum adventure all the time.

You know, we would do the church at, we would meet at seven and we would leave there at 1230 one in the morning. Sometimes we'd leave at 630. We'd get new edibles or a new fucking weed strain or something. And we'd meet there and how before we would smoke fucking an eighth before the podcast would even start, man. Between bong hits and joints and blunts and then eating edibles and then who would stop by while we were doing the podcast. I don't have the fucking time anymore. Like I was telling Mike. I feel something.

Lee, I told, I was telling Mike, I told Lee that I feel bad because I don't do anything with Mike. We do a podcast and that said Mike don't have the fucking time to jump up and down and near do I. We got kids. We got, you know, an LA. Yeah, I still had mercy those five years, but I had more of a window. She was younger. My wife wasn't working. I had more time.

That ships out. My wife went back to fucking work. She's like, if you're not going to travel, I'm going back to work. And I didn't blame her, but it's so funny how your life changes. Speaking of life changes, I got to talk to you about my sponsors real quick. And now for a word, my motherfucking sponsors. This episode is sponsored by better help. Listen, when life gets you feeling overwhelmed, working with a therapist makes you more prepared to take on anything life grows at you.

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And listen, if you want to talk to somebody, if you want to see them, it's all up to you. Better help is here to help you. So if you want to live a more empowered life, therapy can get you there. Visit betterhelp.com slash Diaz to get 10% off your first month. Again, that's betterhelp.com slash Diaz. The joint is also brought to you by DraftKings. Listen, UFC 283 is almost here, bitches. Witness the historic match with Figaro, Figurito facing Moreno for the fourth time this Saturday.

Plus you got a tremendous fights on that card. Check out DraftKings Sportsbook, the official sports betting partner of the UFC. New customers can bet $5 and 200 and free bets instantly. Picks I got for you for this weekend. I'll tell you what, I have nothing until weigh-ins, but there's a lot of fights you keep your eyes on. And for more excitement, check out the Playoff action all weekend for the NFL. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook at now and use promo code JOE, J-O-E-Y. New customers can bet $5 on UFC 283 and get 200 and free bets instantly.

That's called JOE. Only at DraftKings Sportsbook, the official sports betting partner of the UFC. Minimum age and eligibility restrictions apply. See show notes for details. Now back to the show. Alright, anyway, we're back. It's so funny in two years how the window of my life changed. Like, I don't have fucking those six hours to do. I'd love to sit around with somebody, get a fuck.

I went to look at some offices this week. Not good. I went to Thursday, I went down to Neptune. Neptune, which just saying that word scares me. I came to Neptune, New Jersey when I was a kid for Benny basketball. It was a terrible experience. I never thought I'd be back to Neptune. And now I live what, 20 minutes, 30 minutes from fucking Neptune.

So I went down to Neptune to look at a fucking, at an office the other day. Not too fucking chubby. I know a lot of realtors in this area. So like last night, I was talking to one guy and I go, if you see anything, you know, let me know a garage. Like we'll put heaters in there. I like that motherfucker on fire. We'll have a good time in there.

But back to what we were talking about. It's just time. Things change, man. Things change. They're not going to say things. I've had that experience since I moved back here. You know, I moved back after 40 years to let me know what my life was really like, where I stood in my life with my friends, my life, my whole fucking thing.

So I don't mind any of this shit at all. Things change, guys. They're not going to be the same forever. As a matter of fact, Lee called me the other night. I was watching the honeymooners at my daughter's Saturday night. We'd watch the honeymooners every fucking Saturday. And Lee called me up. You know, guys, my phone used to ring all fucking day.

Now it rings during business hours. Nobody calls at night, thank God. Every once in a while, the phone rings. My brother George, Lee, maybe a California, somebody from California wants to check in. And it's so fucking weird. The other night, my phone rang at midnight. And I was like, who the fuck calls me at midnight? Thank God I was even downstairs, because I usually put the phone on the charger.

And we go upstairs to the living room. We watch TV up there. I just happen to be downstairs. And I go, Lee's calling me at midnight. There's got to be a fucking problem. You know, like, I pick up the phone. What's up, buddy? He's like, you can't believe what happens.

I'm like, who? Okay. He's not in a car accident or something. You know what I'm saying? Like, you answer the phone like, help, help. Are you the mayor? Are you the mayor? I'm stuck.

I'm fucking through. I was from, but I thought I was going to answer the phone for him to tell me something weird. I got into a car accident or something. No. He goes, you're not going to believe what happened. You know, Lee and I, Lee was a nice naive kid when he met me. He's still very nice and naive, but Lee picked up a fucking hustler skill. I'm very proud of him for it.

He picked up a little hustler skill. He listened to all those years and it brings a fucking, it brings me great joy when somebody listens. Not only do they listen, they execute what they listen to and they find the happiness that you found in doing those same things. Guys, it's a whole new year and you know what? I don't know what happened with you last year, but maybe you're not as aggressive as you should be.

You know, I'm not being the aggressor anymore. Like I was. I'm a very aggressive motherfucker, guys. When I want something, if I want it bad enough, I will fucking get it. Regardless, I will work towards that fucking goal. Listen, what is that mic? What's that microphone? That microphone is $8,000.

We don't have $8,000, but guess what? We'll work towards that fucking goal. We will do weddings. I don't give a fuck. We'll do weddings. We'll do the open mic, but our goal is $8,000 for that thing. You know, we've whitened it up a little bit over the years, and I've done the same with the word goals and all these things.

Listen, man, want. Want is everything. I don't want to be a fucking loser anymore. I don't want to fucking struggle for shit anymore. I don't want to argue with my wife about money anymore. And that's the number one fucking destroyer of a relationship. I don't want. So what do you do?

What's the opposite of this shit? You got to stick up to the point. The phone's not ever going to fucking ring. You have to tell yourself the phone's not ever going to ring. Nobody wants to work with me. I mean, that's what, because that's what will set your ass on fire sometimes. For me, it was always comedians. Comedians used to piss me the fuck off in a way that, and then it was regular people

in life from expectations of what they should have or what they should be getting. Listen, you know what? You ever see the movie? You ever see the video? Remember the time by Michael Jackson? Fucking one of my favorite videos of all time. They're sitting there. They got fucking servants and slaves and people fucking cutting cherries for you

and rubbing your feet. Guess what? I want that. We all want that. Yeah, right? Somebody fucking throwing grapes in your mountain shit. We want that. We all want that.

If you look at me and go, Joy, I don't want that. I want to live in a shack. You're fucking a liar. We all want those things, but we don't have them. Have you ever seen a picture of what's that city that floats? Emirates or Saudi Arabia or the other one? Everybody goes.

Not Saudi Arabia. They have the fights and shit like that. That's fucking a beautiful place. Dubai and all that. Fucking beautiful. Your car needs to be worth a half million to drive there. I don't know. I'm making this up, but look at the fucking cars you see there.

There's no fucking Subaru wagons in fucking Dubai. We all want that lifestyle. We all want to party, walk on the fucking jet set, right? People, you know, he walked in to the boat like he was walking on through the yacht. We all want to be big shots, whatever. Carlisle Simon, you're so vain. I love that song. But it's like that's that's you could sit there and wait for somebody to give it to you.

Which one of the chances you could wait and win the fucking power ball, which one of the fucking chances. Or you could be the aggressor. What's the aggressor? One of the things that fucking rattled my life. And this is one of my biggest arguments with this book was that they wanted to change Mr. Blue's name. Mr. Blue was my God. When I think back to my life, Mr. Blue was my God.

My God is Jesus, you know, the Holy Spirit, all those fucking characters. But then you have like another God. Okay. And Mr. Blue was my God because he settled my life's question. He told me one day he goes, you could do whatever the fuck you want. If you put your mind to something, you could do it. You wanted those two kilos, didn't you? And you put your mind to it.

You put the guy in a trunk and you got a machine gun. You figured it out. You could put your mind to this shit. You know, if you had something, he told me if I had something you wanted, I might as well give it to you because if you really wanted it, you're going to take it from me. Those are fucking scariest and the most powerful words anybody ever said to me. You got to take it, guys. Nobody's just going to put it there and you're just going to zip along and fucking,

woo, look at me. Jeff Beck left his guitar. No, it don't work that fucking way. You know, and, you know, when the opportunity came up to me becoming a comic, it seemed like, you know, you ever look at something that's like 16 hours away. And you're like, I don't know if I'm going to get that 30 miles an hour because that's the boast this car does. It's a fucking Prius. That's how I looked at being comedy.

I looked at doing comedy. So I looked at it again. I go, you know what? I'm not going to get all the way out there, but I'll get somewhere in the middle. I'm pretty good. I'm good enough that I could get somewhere in the fucking middle there. But when I got to LA, I saw what was there and I figured out a way on how to fucking attack it for me. Anything you want in your life is attainable to you.

It may be little things or it may be something big. I hope you go for little things before you go for the big things so you don't get yourself all fucked up. But you get it. You set a plan up and you fucking attack it and you do that the same way for everything. You know, I talk about the movies I got. Do you think I got the longest yard because I'm a good looking dude? Think I got the longest yard because I was the funniest dude? No.

I got the longest yard because I fucking wanted it. I got Spider-Man 2 because I fucking wanted it. I got the things I got, I zeroed in on. I zeroed in on and attacked them. I knew I could fill that fucking gap. You didn't see me go for Romeo and Juliet, did you? And be pissed off about not getting the father fucking Romeo. Do I look like a fucking Romeo to you motherfuckers?

No, but I look at even what I did with that. I zeroed in. I picked up the phone for you people who love to send emails and read yelp. Go fuck yourself. That's not going to do anything. The phone call with the email will help. But you know, we just got to pick up our game a little fucking more. You want that?

What's the fucking plan to get that? This is the plan. Step by step. It's like the 10 crack commandments, right? Remember, it's step by step. You know, when I, I still remember living in Seattle and Josh Wolfe and somebody else. Craig gas saying to me, how the fuck are you getting all this work every week? And I'm like Monday morning, regardless of how much coke I snored and how much ass I ate the night before,

what time I went to. And this is way before I didn't have a fucking computer in 1990 fucking five, 96, 98. I would get up, walk the Kinkos. I would make a fucking calendar up with fucking lines with myself at Kinkos. Boom, boom, every fucking Monday, 10 to nine, I'd fucking make a calendar up for a month of January. I'd start the 16th, right? Tomorrow, today's the 16th. And I would Monday, I'm at the underground Tuesday.

I'm at this place Wednesday. I'm at this Thursday. I'm off Friday. I'm off Saturday. I mean, and I would fax it to Donna Richards and Portland, Oregon. I would fax it to the Cuban dude who booked the old improv. I forget what his name was. I would fax it to the lady in Seattle that booked one nighters.

I would fax him to fucking Yoder in Michigan. I didn't give a fuck, Jack. Just to let him know what that was working. Even though I was far away from him, I would fucking email that motherfucker. The club in Florida where I met Jimmy Florentine, Uncle Funnies. They would get a fucking fax. What were my chances of getting the fucking Uncle Funnies in Florida? But I was putting the word out.

It's indirect marketing. I'm putting the word out. I'm letting you fucking know I'm working. And eventually one day you'll fucking call me. And that's what happened. I ended up working for Uncle Funnies. I was working for me fucking Florentine. $400 for the week to feature.

It was $200 just for the fucking plane ticket. This is what you need to do anyway. Don't get me riled up more than what I'm already riled up. So I was talking to Lydia and then Lee called me up. And he said he was going to go see Jesus Trejo on Saturday night. It must have been like Thursday. And he called me when we were talking. I go say hello to Jesus.

Jesus is a fucking great kid. And he's on his definitely fucking on his way out. So I called Lee and he's telling me he's going to go see he bought tickets. He's going to go see Jesus Trejo. I go, why don't you do this? Why don't you hit him up with an email? He goes, good idea. Or maybe he said it to me.

He goes, good idea. I go, just tell him that you're going to be there. You want to come to see him? Does he need anything? You know? Sure enough, Jesus Trejo, the real comic that he is, turns around and offers Lee a guess at, you know, he knows Lee, you know, that made Lee's fucking world. So we had a guest set for the late show on Saturday.

I guess Lee went to dinner. They were out of fucking horse meat or whatever the fucking restaurant he went to, you know, they were out of fucking Piccoli and Chow Chow. And he, uh, he fucking went to the club early and the guy goes, I'm happy you came to feature at canceled. You're going to feature for me tonight. So he got to do the first show. He got to do the second show.

He got paid and he picked up a weekend in Worcester somewhere at a one nighter. Look, I could feel the excitement in his voice and I was so excited for him because he didn't sit there and wait for fucking somebody to call him. That's how you get work guys. That's how you do it. You don't show up on Saturday. Hey, what are you doing here? I didn't know they did comedy here.

No, he bought tickets. He bought tickets because you know, Lee's a class fucking act. He bought tickets. He fucking reached out to the guy on text or whatever, Instagram or Twitter. And Jesus said, yeah, fucking come by. He went through all the proper things. He was going there on a date. He didn't expect anything.

And that's what happens. But again, nothing happens on the couch. And again, nothing happens. Like I said, he bought tickets versus support. And then he just went through the fucking channels and baboon. The rest is fucking history. I can't be mad at someone like that. You know, when I was fucking going out every weekend, I'd have people that were aggressive towards me.

And I appreciated some of them. Some of them, it's not, it's that they were aggressive and they came at me the wrong way. You know, hey man, I'm coming down there with 10 guys. How much time can I do? You know, what are you talking about? What the fuck are you talking about? I'm already bringing a feature act. I don't know what the club's going to have.

Hit me up and ask me permission first. You know, when I went to see Bill Burr, did I bother Bill Burr? Not at all. I'm friends with Bill Burr. Did I bother Bill Burr? Not at all. Dean called me and he goes, hey, I'm going to be in Jersey with Bill Friday night. Do you want to come to the show?

And I'm like, dog, I'll come to the show. Let me know. I'll tell my wife to get tickets. I went for the tickets first. Right? He goes, no, no, no, no. I'll ask Bill. I'll get two tickets.

He goes, I don't comp anybody, anything. Bill will comp you. I go, fine. I didn't, when fucking he got to town Friday, he called. He, we were going to hook up for like a little early dinner. He didn't fucking, he couldn't make it. Next thing you know, I said, I'll just meet you at the thing. Next thing you know, Bill reached out and he goes, do you want to park behind the building?

I didn't ask him for nothing. I was going to go as a civilian. I didn't give a fuck. Next thing you know, I go, yeah, I'll step behind the fucking, I'll park behind the building at BMAC, whatever the fuck, NJPAC, whatever the fuck it is. And when I get there, right before I'm parking, he's like, hey, hurry up. I want you to do a guest set, guest set. I didn't come here to do a guest set.

I came here to see Bill. My wife wanted to see Bill. So I just wanted to go with my wife and maybe I'd laugh a little bit. That's it. It's great to go to things as a fucking spectator, but I didn't go expecting to do 30 minutes and watch this. I'm going to go up in front of, no, I just went to watch and hang out. He just asked me and I was like pretty happy that he asked me.

And again, it's not what you say. It's how the fuck you say it. So if you want somebody to give you a guest set, don't go on expectations. Don't tell him you want to bring fucking 50 people to the show. They don't need to hear that shit. Just tell them the truth. I'm an open microman. I've been banging that for a while.

It would be great to be a part of a fucking show. Do you, can I have five minutes? I mean, don't hit me up to the 28th. I already got guest sets and I got Dean coming and I got Lee coming. I got Tara coming and it's a theater. So it's too many people. If I do a club, you can always call me for guests. People always fucking do.

Sometimes I'm in the position to do them and sometimes I'm not. Sometimes I'm waiting to see how you ask. That's everything. That's the most important thing. If you come up to me cocky, like you fucking, the world owes you something. I'm gonna tell you to go fuck yourself. You know what I'm saying? And that's it.

That's the Monday morning motherfucking podcast guys. I come at you once a week because like I told Robbie Keller last week, I ain't got much to fucking say. You know what I'm saying? I'm living my life. It's simple. I'm not doing the things I was doing anymore. I mean, I'm still doing my bongits.

I'm having a good time raising my daughter and this is the best I got to offer guys. A couple of weeks we'll get a podcast schedule down and maybe start doing one on Wednesday. Let's see what we're gonna do and we'll take it from there guys. But right now I'm not busting my own. I just want to come on here and remind you motherfuckers. Of your responsibilities as church members and joint members that we got a sling dick with three fucking hands every goddamn day. We don't take shit from nobody. It's the beginning of the fucking year guys.

We got the world by the balls. This is not a fucking race. This is a marathon and picking shoes make great decisions and your 2023 will be a lot better than 2022 will be. We're out of fucking weeds. I mean, we're done. Now it's balls to fuck out. Even my fucking father-in-law who's Johnny America. Johnny fucking America, my father-in-law.

I love him to death. He got COVID and he called me and my wife up and he's like, this is fucking bullshit. This man has never cursed in front of me in 23 years and he called COVID bullshit. That this is bullshit. He never had COVID before. He don't leave the house, my father-in-law. He's sick. My mother-in-law does everything, but my mother-in-law got it, gave it to my father-in-law and that's exactly what he said.

He didn't say fucking. I'm exaggerating there. I'm bullshitting you guys. He said, this is bullshit. When I heard it, my jaw fucking dropped. So he has it and it's not that bad? No. No.

He was like in shock that we've lost this much fucking sleep and this much time over the shit. Like he was fucking yelling and screaming and this is what's happening right now. That a lot of Americans that were fucking believers to the end, they're going, what the fuck? Because they're in Tennessee. This is middle America where fucking counts, Jack. And when you turn on those fucking people, you know, New York LA, we're fucking a bunch of saps. You know, I love COVID. We don't fucking know shit, but that's the real heart of America.

This motherfucker was like, this is bullshit. This is what you shut the fucking world down for the fucking two years and scare people and face mask and the whole thing. You know, it's done. It's done. When people like that start saying this is bullshit, it's over. It's out of your system. The fear is over. You're not going to fucking die.

Have you seen what they're coming out with lately? This fucking booster. Now people are dying. Now people are stroking out over 65. They're having strokes. And a dear, dear friend of mine told me that this fucking booster was tested like on three monkeys and one cheetah or something. I'm making up stories here. This is COVID misinformation.

What I'm telling you about the cheetah and shit, but that not to take the booster because they didn't really taste. They tested like I'm three humans. I don't even know. I don't even fucking know. But for my father-in-law to talk like that, you know, it's over guys. Don't believe the hype. You got nothing stopping you, but yourself now. It's January 2023.

That bullshit story. Don't let them scare you. Don't believe the fucking hype and go for it. I'm sick and fucking tired of people trying to hold us back. Not even like, you know, it's not communism. It's not Cuba. The person can hold you back the most is you. But for other people to fucking tell you like, oh, this, that, fuck these motherfuckers guys.

Go for it. It's over. It's a fucking cold. Nobody's going to die from dick. Okay. The most dangerous part of your day is when you fucking drive somewhere for those that don't know it. I love you. Stay black.

Hey, don't forget my little fucking buddy. Todd over there at a stoner club with some tremendous brothers. Edibles. He's got over there. He's got these 500 milligram bags. Like I think they come in green apple or grape ape. I mean, I like the little ones, the 15 milligram ones. And I like the chocolate true dose ones.

The true dose edibles are fucking stronger than fuck. But he's got these bags. I think they come out to 500 milligrams for the whole bag. The grape ones dog. This times I eat those motherfuckers and I don't know where I'm at. Cause you can't eat the same edibles every day. You know what I'm saying? But don't forget get the stoner club.

Dot com enter code uncle Joey and get 10% off for lifetime and then deliver right to your fucking house guys. They're not fucking around. It's like I said to you. It's not people who look like gang bangers coming into your neighborhood. They're pretty decent people. Des and the other guy are fucking great people. But that's it. It's another fucking week for you to be the best that you can be.

And we'll be back next Monday. As good as we can be tip top Magoo. I love you motherfuckers. Stay black. Have a great week. And now for a word from our sponsors. All right. That's it.

You bad motherfuckers. Thank you for support and stopping by today. This episode is sponsored by better help. When life gets you feeling overwhelmed, working with a therapist makes you more prepared to take on anything life grows at you. Therapy is important. It helped me and it can help you. Better help is the therapy option that is convenient, flexible, affordable and entirely online. Fill out a brief questionnaire.

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I'll see you guys next Monday. Tip Top Magoo.