Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #227 - Joey Diaz, Steve Simeone and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: November 4, 2014

Steve Simeone, Comedian and host of The Good Times and Guilty Movie Pleasure's podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt in studio. Check out Steve's CD Remember This Here: https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/remember-this/id932062627 This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for a 20% discount Music:  Heaven and Hell - Black Sabbath I Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet Man in The Box - Alice in Chains Recorded on 11/03/2014

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Monday, November fucking third. The day the devil was fucking killed, dug up, lit on fire, fed to rats, and then fucked in the ass. But we're here, the church, what's happening now? On a beautiful Monday night, motherfuckers. Let that fucking bong and let it all out. Here you go. Little heaven in hell.

This is where Lee's gonna be at in about four hours. Four hours. Sitting there, mummified. Oh shit. Let it all hang out, people. Meditate, do what you gotta do. Namaste, cocksuckers. It's over, coming to you in your living room

and your bedroom, whatever the fuck you're doing, we're doing it, you understand? Wherever you're doing it, we're doing it. You understand me? Wherever you are, we are, cocksuckers. Who told you to do it? DJ, shut the fuck up. DJ, cock block, put the music back on.

Are you kidding me or what? The church coming at Lee, tell the music. What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? Great to see you, great to have you. Isn't our heart in shit? Joey D is here with the Flying Jew, Steve Simone, fucking delivering the goods tonight at midnight. What's the name of the CD?

Remember this. Are you fucking kidding me or what? Remember this, cocksuckers, on available on iTunes tonight. Don't fuck around. Canada, Russia, Scandinavia, Berlin, Finland. All you motherfuckers, we're coming together like NATO. And we're gonna fucking get Steve Simone's CD tonight

as we're fucking on. What's up with you there, Johnny weddings? Oh, no, the wedding was fine. I had a fucked up last 24 hours, but everything else is good. What do you think? What? Let me tell you, everything that could happen

goes wrong on those fucking no picking up cash trips. Yeah. Why, there's no such thing as a no picking up cash trip. That's true. You'll never forget. I got a free steak out of it. Yeah, I got a free steak out of it. Go fucking miles, $2,000 a car, a tuxedo,

you're like a fucking penguin. I saw the pictures. I look good in that tuxedo. Whenever they come out, we're from the photographer. Jesus Christ, I look good in the tux. I don't care what you say. I'm gonna buy one. Yeah, what are you gonna do with it?

We're here. We're at the 24 hour fitness. Hell yeah. I'm gonna stay a master cucksucker. There he is. Fuck yeah. You should wear tuxedo, 24 hour fitness. Fuck with people.

That'd be awesome. Dirty days. Just every day. I love it. Every day. Dry cleaner will take it to the Chinese guy over here, the fucking Burbank. Remember when fucking Chinese people owned dry cleaners

and those fucking laundry joints? When I was a kid, you bring them t-shirts, like my t-shirts. They look like shit. These gray ones, I got 25 of them. So you just throw them away as they go. But like white t-shirts, there's nothing more comfortable. Yep.

Than a white t-shirt. You got them starched? You got them dry cleaned? Right to the Chinese guy. Starch, your underwear, folds them, boxes, tremendous. My dad used to do the jeans. You can't even take the, if you piss, you fucking drowning your piss.

Cause you're not gonna take your dick out of it. You gotta pull them down. The Chinese guys, they'll start with that fucking cotton. That's a crease jack for a Chinese guy. Getting me or what? But I used to take it at my father, my mom. My mom, right on 88th street, right down the stairs around the corner.

He just dropped off your shit that next day. And that night, you came back, no ticket, no fucking laundry. Two dollars if you lose the ticket. Everything, towels, sheets, your sheets, you smell tremendous, they dye in your sheets, your pillowcases, fucking everything, everything. Your t-shirts look like, you know, when you take these cotton t-shirts,

they're supposed to last a long time. They will, unless you smoke dope like me and you get holes in them and you spill shit, you know, they're white. My grandfather was a dry cleaner for his entire life. He owned a dry cleaner? For a while, yeah. It's a great fucking, I love him.

I love to smell those places. Me too. I love it in there. I just don't know how much it's supposed to cost. When I was a kid, what's that? I don't know how much it's supposed to cost against a dry cleaner. Four dollars for like a nice shirt, you know,

to keep it alive. They charged 14 for the suit, did I get ripped off? No, that's it. That's it, that's it. That's 14 and they take the stanza and they take that ass smell out of your fucking jeans. Oh my God. And your jeans look nice, they iron them with,

you know, it's nice, it's a different life, you know. You gotta have time to, like here, it's an hour out of your day to drop off clothes. So that's a, you know, somewhere else, like New York City, you could walk right down the block. So that's the differences. I don't want people to think that, you know, it's just the differences, you know.

Yeah. I miss all that shit, just dropping shit off. I still drop it off, because it's just, it was more for when I had a full-time day job, I just didn't want to spend a day during my only two days off doing it. Yeah. But now I find a place over here

that does it for a dollar a pound. I'm like, why am I gonna spend all day? And they fold your underwear? Yeah. What if you have a nice kid fucking marking it, which I know you do, you just don't see it. Sometimes, I have to make a decision sometimes, like am I gonna put this in, or am I gonna throw this away?

You don't spray shouting those fucking panties, do you? No. It's that skid marking, ball sweat, they're all yellow. Almost all my underwear are dark colors. You got that yellow juice sweat that cringes around the nut sack, and the nut sack gets hard, right? You take your undies off, and they don't change them. You only, you wear those.

My nut sack never gets hard? And the nuts end up in the cotton ball. Like when you take them off, you don't need an athletic cup. Your underwear is becoming like, because you only fucking bathe once a day, that's what I'm trying to tell you. Only once a day.

That's right. And I know you. I know you put those dirty undies back on your head. No. I know you, you Jewish. No, that's one thing about, look, if you come to my house, I have about 30 pairs of underwear, because I'll change, I change it at least twice a day.

That's one thing, because I only do shower once a day, but I love clean underwear. It's like, when I packed for this three day trip, I brought like 10 pairs of underwear. You will be on the way on your nut sack by the yellow underwear. I have dark colored underwear, just in case I have a skid mark.

Do you have dark colored? Fuck yeah. You're a bad mother, this guy is a fucking evil genius. There have been some times where the skid mark's been too big. I just throw it away. I'm like, I can't, I can't get this to somebody. I'm not a skid mark guy. I'm just a pee stain type of mother fucker.

I got the turtleneck, so it drips, it always, it always holds that little last drop of pee. You never can shake it enough. Walking away, I can feel it dropping down my leg. I'm like, you motherfucker. Now I gotta go to jiu-jitsu. When a guy gets together, arm bar, he smells piss. I smell like a fucking cat.

And don't you have white geese? So do you ever like have a yellow stain on your game? No, I don't wear white geese to that place because I had a blue geese that was perfect. I've been wearing down there. And then Johnny Guerrero's boy in Denver gave me a fucking nice geese that fits me perfectly. I went down there.

I just pulled it inside my wife. My wife just washed it this morning. Nice. You hang them up to dry. I like my fire. I went to jiu-jitsu again. My knee feels good. That's awesome.

I went to three jiu-jitsu last week. You know, I was having a hard time. It's really weird. You gotta really be careful of what you wish for. When you meet a young comic and they moved to LA, the first thing they say is I gotta get on the road. And I did that. When I moved here, I was very fortunate.

I was in with John Yoder. I was in with the improvs. And even though I was featuring, some places were co-headlining me. Some small companies were headlining me. I always had work. And I would go out for six months at a time. You know, I would leave November and come back in April

and then leave in May and come back in December. I was a fucking savage. You were gone that whole time? That whole time. I would just send clothes home to Josh Wolf. Wow. I would send boxes home every month. I would buy new clothes.

And once the bag filled up, I would alternate clothes. Underwear, throw away socks, go to a Walmart. That's why Walmart's the fucking king. You get a wardrobe, like fucking Slim Jim Magoo. Had a wardrobe on the marshals. You go to Texas. You know, Texas is for fat people. When you go to Houston, you go to marshals.

They sell two X, but they're really 19 X. It fits every fat dude. You know what I'm saying? That's great. It's fucking two X. When you go to Tennessee, the Walmart two X is a little loose. But pretty much they give you a skinny guy fucking two X. But in Texas, you got a four X.

You cut that motherfucker in half, Jack. That's going deep. That's for a four X, big black dude with that ball of fucking phobia that just sits behind his neck. You ever see those big black Mexican dudes in the South Texas and they just eat barbecue on white bread all fucking day?

And you know what that is? That's shock. That chemical, when you go into shock that shoots out of your brain to tell your body it's going to shock. When I was 418 pounds, I was starting to get that hump on my back. My wife told me she was just starting to get it.

I watched a TV show about Sleep Batman. Sleep Batman sends your body into shock. So it releases, come on guys, it releases something. I don't know. And it goes and it packs up behind your spine. So that's why those big fat guys, they live their bodies are always in fucking shock. At any fucking minute, they could drop.

Once you start getting that fat ball on the neck, there ain't no coming back. It's like you like to do it in the croak. There ain't no coming back. When you see those guys, there's 6'6", 500 big Mexican dudes. There was a guy in Tucson at Bugsy's where we used to go to Tucson. Every, the biggest guy you ever saw.

And he had those things. And I saw him at the store 10 years later, he was down at 200 pounds. I had a triple stroke, heart attack. My leg fell asleep. He goes, they rushed me to the hospital. He goes, the deal was I had to get out and it was over.

Like I went from eating 10 burritos for breakfast to eating a peanut and a fucking cup of yogurt. Like it was over, so he dropped 300 pounds. Good for him. He had to drop 300 before he did the surgery. That's how big he was. Well, that was the one good thing about this weekend is I fit in the seat and I got the seatbelt totally fit.

How stressful is a situation when you sit on the plane and you pray to God that the mother fucking fits? Cause it depends. Some of the new planes would fit me before. Right. But like the old planes were like. No, the old planes. I was dying.

Old planes fit me this weekend. The old planes fit me. I fit on a propeller. I flew on a propeller plane today. It was fucking terrifying. The plane was shaking. It was not. Bathroom in the back.

I didn't get up. Oh, that was fucking. I sat down and prayed. That's what they send you now. You cannot get a decent fucking flight, like a direct flight. Thursday the 29th, I'm trying to fly into Columbus. There's only one direct flight.

I was telling these guys. It's $786 for the first one of the American and they usually have choice and something else. The first class was $9,800. I was talking to Justin on the phone, my friend. The way back, first class was $8,600 for that early flight. Oh my God. Because they only have one direct flight coming

from fucking Columbus, Ohio. Bro, they got people. You know why? I'll tell you something. For a while there, every time I go to Columbus, I'd see people on the plane. The most important guy I'd see on the plane is the dude from the office.

Krasinski? The big white dude. Yeah, Krasinski. He's from Ohio, from Columbus. I flew to Columbus maybe three or four times. I flown with him on the plane three times. He was on the plane and they got on the beef with the guy. One time in Columbus on a Joe Rogan show,

those guys went in early and I came in by myself the next day and I got in the beef on a fucking plane with some guy in front of me. What happened? We were eating and he laid all the way back and when I said, can you just go up, he gave me the finger. What? So he pushed the fucking thing, he started arguing,

but he got to the store at his first. So when I got off the cops were waiting for me. Oh my God. But we smoothed it out and then I saw him a year later going to Columbus and I go, what's up, cock sucker. He just froze and it was too late. We were about to get on the plane and I had been upgraded to first class and he didn't.

He was in the fucking dungeon. It's amazing because I had an issue where my flag got canceled last night and I had to drive three hours. And then of course the car rental place charges you 200 bucks because you're not dropping off at the same place. It's amazing how we kind of just are allowing the airlines to do this.

Like if you cancel the flight or try to change it, they charge you a few hundred bucks and then the difference. And if they cancel it for no good reason other than no one bought the ticket, we're kind of fucked. It's amazing how we allow that to happen. Well, we live in some weird times, man. We live in some weird times economically where people,

I'll tell you a couple of weeks ago I had an issue on American when the guy tried to kill himself in Chicago and I knew it. Oh yeah. I fucking knew it on Thursday I go, this is gonna be an issue on Sunday and sure enough, Saturday night I get that fucking call, that text and they're like,

hey man, we cancel your flight, call the airline right now, they reschedule and I'm like, what are you thinking? Like Monday at three in the afternoon, I can't do it. They go, what is it? Early morning, one out of the guard, they go, better yet, there's a 545 out of Kennedy. If you could transfer the upgrade for the first class,

I'll be there at 445, I'm ready to go, it's done. Nice. I said, okay, so they took care of me even though they cancel the flight. So Sunday depends, you know what I'm saying? If you talk to them correctly or whatever, it's pretty. Well, you have points, I have no points anywhere.

So they kind of just threw it at the wolves. They still fuck with you. I was talking to my friend, Robert Lubeye, and he goes, the United changed everything around and mid game. I go, I've been flying, he takes your flight to Monday morning, no, he takes to Sunday 5 from Newark and it lands in LA,

I don't fucking know, six o'clock, seven o'clock. Yeah, yeah. He's been taking that flight for 10 years, he said. And he goes, I usually go home twice a month. This guy's a trooper, he goes to fucking Jersey on Thursday night on the red eye, gets up, fucking parties, Friday, Saturday, sees his family, gets food,

and he comes right back on Sunday with a sandwich and an Italian calls me up, Joey, an Italian, whatever. Said he hasn't been home till from May. Wow. This is the longest because they raised the plane tickets and they changed the whole pricing so the upgrade's a gun. So he lost the status.

He goes, I didn't lose all of it, but I lost because it's now about spending dollars. When you go to get a plane ticket, like today I went to get American, okay? American has four prices listed. They have the base price. Yep. Then they have the base price.

If you have to change your flight, it's already covered. Yep. Then they have the base price with the coverage and luggage fees. Okay. So instead of paying for, you could travel with two, but they'll give you one for whatever. So you save 25 bucks.

Okay. Okay, and if you cancel within seven days, it's full refundable. You don't lose 100 bucks. The way it used to be. It's like turning back the clock. Right. They always used to give you.

But you gotta pay the full amount. Yeah, you gotta go pay for it now. So you're paying, like if I wanna pay, if the regular ticket was 364, you gotta pay 510 to get the special treatment, whatever. And then after that first class is 9,600 to Columbus, that specific. All the other ones are 4,300.

That's the first price I look at. Not cause I'm gonna buy a first class ticket, but that'll tell you, last year, the flight to Miami in December were $12,000 first class. Oh my God. Do you think just because the people who buy those are using expense accounts,

so like they don't think that people care? I mean, who would buy? I mean, if I could pay 12 grand for a plane ticket, that means I could pay the charterer plane for four of us. Probably, yeah. I chartered a plane one time. I didn't charter it to people. I was with chartered a plane.

It cost us $250 a piece to fly from Aspen to Denver to see the Denver Nuggets against the Philadelphia 76ers. Oh wow. December 29th, 1983. Dr. J years. Dr. J years, yeah. Moses Malone, Andrew Tony. That was my favorite team ever.

Tremendous. Yeah, 83, cause 84, I was back east. So it was 83. It was to cost us $250. So it was fucking $250 a piece. We got the flyer plane, the guy let us smoke dope. We stayed at some holiday inn in Denver. It was a shit fucking hotel.

People were yelling and screaming. We were told that to a Nugget party was gonna be that afterward. That's why we checked into that hotel. That was bullshit. They were just trying to get you in. They were just trying to get us in. There was nobody fucking there.

That's hysterical. What's up, Steve Simone? Love and life, Joey. Steve Simone, how long have you been doing comedy? 14 years full time. Is this your first CD? Yep. First ever?

Yep, first debut, everything. It's amazing. It took me about fucking 14, 12 years to do something. Right. My first CD was fucking horrendous. I hear yours is fucking tremendous. I'm proud of it. Lee worked really hard on it.

It makes me sound good. Lee's a fucking animal, so. I honestly didn't do much. It was a lot of fun to work on, but no, I didn't, I cut out a couple of stuff, but no, it was basically your set. It's great. Lee's a fan, which makes the editing process a lot easier.

When somebody doesn't know you, you know, there's so many variations of doing a CD, and that's why so many people get the finished result and go, what the fuck? What is this? Yep. Because first of all, they didn't sit in the studio with the cat.

Yep. At least you had a relationship with him. He knew your material going in. He knew your timing. Yeah. He liked a lot of the bits. Makes all the difference in the world. That makes all the difference in the world.

So 14 years, what is your first CD about? It's just about, it's similar to my podcast about looking back at the good times, and it's just about who I was as a kid and why I'm talking about that now. You know, like just focusing, it's about that choice of focusing on what sucks in life or what's good in life.

And I'm done focusing on what sucks, and I'm just trying to enjoy life. So I open up with a bit about Chinese food, how it's the greatest, and how it puts me in a good mood whenever I eat it. And then boom. And then I start talking about my brother's- Somebody took you for Chinese food last night.

Somebody in San Diego took you for Chinese food. No. So one of my buddies, my buddy Arturo, him and his, they come out and see me whenever I'm in Brea, and they pre-ordered the CD and the celebrate. They ordered Chinese food. So he sent me a picture.

It looked fantastic. Were you raised rich? No. No, I think that's probably why- Middle class. Yeah. That's probably why food's a big deal to me. Cause that was the vacation we could afford, you know?

Paycheck comes in Friday night with pizza night. That was a big deal. Just to have like, to go out and sit down at Pepperoni and sit down Miss Pac-Man. I asked you if you were born rich because one of the things I feel I haven't common with you that we've always had in common has been our childhood. Yeah.

It's really weird that I lost my mother at 15. And that would make my childhood bad, but it really didn't. That was one of the many stories. You know, when we first started the church about three months in, I got a really hurtful email. Somebody sent me an email and said, you know, I tried to listen to your fucking thing,

but I thought it was gonna be about social politics and whatever. It's called the church what's happened now when you talk about your past. And I wanted to describe to people my past cause that's what molds you. Absolutely. That's what makes you say the shit

that comes out of my mouth with me and Leah alone or we're giggling here or whatever. It's so weird how I had a really good time growing up. At this times at night, I catch myself giggling. Yeah, me too. As something stupid of my friend Roger or when I talk to you, you're one of the few people that really had a fucking good time growing up.

You caught the tail end of kids in your blonde. Absolutely. I was in a couple of houses, wrestling, breaking a window, getting in trouble, not with the police, but there's a different type of trouble. There's police trouble, like you're a stupid fuck at 12. Because I never had police contact while I was fucking 18 or something, 16,

for a fight or something. But before that, there was no reason for police contact. Unless you drew an egg. What the fuck are the cops gonna do to you? They're gonna arrest you for throwing an egg. They're gonna chase you down and make you get against a wall and you're gonna piss your pants. And you really let you know

what kids already fucking fags growing up. But he did it. He made me do it. That kid is done the next day. Like he has to transfer school if he grew up in my neighborhood. Like that's it. You had to really let you know what kids were punks

or whatever. So I cherish my childhood. I look at my daughter and I go, I hope that she laughs a half as much as I did growing up because that's what it means to be a kid. It's everything. And that's what it means to, when you're 30 and you're fucking in a shit job

and you're in a shit relationship on the bus, on the way home. You think of that time with your brother when you hit him in the head with the light socket. Exactly. And he got stitches and you bandaged him up and talked him out of yelling for mom. Exactly.

Hit me now. Hit me now. And that kind of trouble is almost worse. Like when your mom is gonna get mad or like wait till your dad gets home. I used to do that all the time. You can hit me and then it's fine. And then you can even it out,

let's settle it before the authorities are involved. And that's the great thing about your CD is the jokes are funny. But like during the Chinese food bit, I'm listening, but I'm also remembering me going to Chinese food and my dad being like, stop playing with your chopsticks, stop fighting. And then the poo poo platter, it's all.

The best stuff in life. You don't need a million dollars to have a good time. Like I think that's the whole bullshit of this city. And I go, it's not where you are to your with and it's the little things in life. And you know, to me, the best stuff in life, it's your relationships. It's who your friends with becomes your family.

And then the good times you share with them. That's it. Everything else comes and goes. It doesn't matter what you drive, what you wear. It's all bullshit. But like this right now, it's the most fun ever. We're just hanging out. What's, there's nothing better than that.

When I was in Miami, one of my buddies showed up and we started talking shit. He was asking me if I remember the day. When I went to McKinley school, the grammar school, I had three hangouts. I had my mother's bar, that neighborhood. So I hung out with those kids. I hung out with the kids on 26th Street projects

in North Bergen. Then I hung out with the kids by my house on 38th Street. The projects were a step down, but there was always good action. Lots of laughs. There was always fucking good fucking action. What is action? Like fights or? Action is action.

There's shit going on. Life. It's happening. It's happening. Yeah. These kids had fun. So Alberto Ali had a brother. What a great name.

Juan Ali, Cuban kid, and it was really ale. It was spelled ale. Juan Ali had a brother, Alberto Ali. Juan Ali was the brains of the operation. Alberto was just a fucking moron. But he was a sweetheart. But you could tell this kid was going to struggle in life. He just had a permanent smile.

You could hit him in the head. He was pinky. And he had a permanent smile. Like, yeah, he's pinky. He's like, eh. And Juan was when I hooked up with him. Juan was probably 13. And Alberto was probably 11.

And Juan was going to hooker houses at rungs and taking Alberto with him. Oh my god. And they would tell me the stories and Alberto's face would turn red and he just gave up. See, she sucked it. And she washed my dick with a bite. It was fucking classic.

So they lived next to Mole, Manny, and Joe. Pet boys across the street. Mole, Manny, and Jack. So that's always action because you're trying to shoplift. There's a somebody who leaves a fucking tool out. What would a little kid steal from pet boys? You don't have a car. I wrench. It don't matter.

It was the thrill. It was the thrill. Thank you. It doesn't matter. If you steal a tire, it's flat. You got it. That's your day. And you try to move it, but it's flat.

It's going to last a couple of days. It's fucking flat. And there was a place next to it. I'll never forget that I cherish. I fucking love this place. And I wish every kid lived next to this place. It was called Duratest. And they made light bulbs,

but they made those light bulbs right there. You see those skinny light bulbs? Like the long, skinny fluorescent ones. You have no idea what war is. Smashing. Do you get hit in the head when they're light bulbs? Because nothing could happen today. The glass breaks just by tapping the shoulder.

But there's a white powder in it that just releases. That's in your eyes. All those motherfuckers got cancer today. All those motherfuckers got it. You steal light bulbs and hit each other with them? So they dump them in the garbage can. Oh, weapons.

So I fucking, 501. Alberto jumped the fan. I bet they were in the bag. Lincoln, I said, and Alberto would jump the thamying bus. And he would jump the fan, bob wire, alarms and shit. He didn't give a fuck.

And they would start handin' over these things. We'd take, you know, you could carry 10 of them each. We'd take them, put them down, you're ready. And we'd just go to fucking sword fights with each other. Sometimes there were three feet long. Sometimes there was six feet long. And you just smashed each other. That's awesome.

But they also had light bulbs. Right, they also. Hear the pop? So what you did was you figured out a way to snap the top a little bit and you could unscrew the top. And one day it took a rock, like a little rock and put it in there.

And I put it, I just wanna see. See what happened? And I threw it off the roof and also I had, yeah, I looked over it. And I went, oh, hi, hi, hi, he's looking for his brother. It was Albert of the Regatta war. You mean grenades? I don't know what it was.

I fucking blasted him with this rock. Once the rock was the momentum and the light bulb, and once it hit him in the fucking head, he had like a, I don't know if I forget, he had a bump, like it hit him right here. And he had a bump, it was bleeding a little bit, but it had swallowed up in the middle. It was a puss ball or a mixed with blood.

You gotta tell him it's not that bad. That's not that bad, you're right. And he kept saying, who threw it? Who threw it? I don't know. I'm, there was 18 motherfuckers there. And it was me, like three guys knew it was me. And that's the best when one of your friends get hurt

and you wanna laugh because it was fun, like you think you spilled down the stairs or something. I'm the worst at that. I laugh whenever anyone falls. I have a story with my brother that he'll tell for the rest of time. A babysitter took us to the movies and I had a big staircase going up.

We look, we look, we see a late old lady walking up. We look away, we're here, ah, this old lady fell down all the stairs and I had to run into my cat. Howling laughing, the other people wanted to help. I looked at him and ate. I just started laughing, I had to run away. The last 10 years, the best one was when Ralphie May fell in bird crisis backyard

and took down the fucking kid table with the chairs, the flowers. Was like a kid's birthday party or something? It was afterward that night and I had a little kid table out there for little kids. And we walked around and Ralphie walked on that dark, took two steps and just fell to that fucking, like a stunt man.

He went right to that fucking table. The fall guy. And he just laid there and we go, Ralphie, you okay? And I'm just holding it in my stomach. I can't breathe. I can't do nothing. I'm just like, huh, huh, he gets up.

He's like, it's all right, dude, I didn't see it. No, this shit. I'll pay for it some more. Everything, he broke the silverware. He broke everything. It was like a fucking bomb in the village. There was nothing. Somebody falls but they don't get hurt.

That's one of the best laughs in life. But you can't, I couldn't laugh. You not then? We got in front of bird's house. He wanted to talk about his schedule, how he's selling tickets and I'm dying to laugh. I gave him a hug. I got in the car, I made a right hand turn,

another right hand, I had to pull over in front of Jack in the Box. I called Bert Christ and he was laughing at his living room. And I'm like, is that the best thing you ever saw in your life? I remember once I was doing one of these asshole events where I was getting paid a couple hundred bucks to help park cars or whatever.

And in one of those events, they always have people that want to be in charge and they take it way too serious. It's like, this is nothing. Please don't make a big deal and there's this lady just giving everybody the business, like walking around making sure everybody was doing stuff. And we weren't working for her

so she couldn't break our balls. But you could just tell she was probably a nice person but taking it too serious, like who cares? Everybody's making a lot of money for doing nothing. One of those events. So she's given this guy that's getting paid to stand with us. Like it's one of those jobs where too many Indian chiefs, not enough Indians.

Nobody knew what to do. So she's given them the business for nothing. And then she's walking off. She's like doing that important walk. Like, I don't want to hear about it. You will get it done. She took three steps and fell off the curb but she wasn't looking.

She collapsed her ankle and then tried to regain it. You can see the ankle getting swollen and you couldn't laugh. You couldn't laugh. And my buddy looks at me. We just looked the other way. A good 45 seconds. She's off in the distance and he just goes like this.

Marcy and boom, we lost it. And we lost a good dive. One of the best laughs I've ever had. There's nothing better than laughing, man. There's nothing, especially when it takes you by surprise. You don't expect it. I love all that craziness. I'll pull over.

I don't give a fuck. I will fucking pull over. I laugh by myself. Some of the times when I get stoned that night, all these cookies and all this shit I eat, it's for one thing. It's to see the devil, yes. Oh, Jesus.

But it's like by 30, to just be on the couch by myself. When I lower the volume on the TV, the mute button and just sit there and go into like, like for the last month, I've been thinking about punching Freddie when we used to rob the gas station. We had a guy in the gas station

that we'd rob him once a month. He was half retarded and his wife was huge. 500 pounds, huge ankles, she'd wear fucking heels. And they'd do coke and he'd eat her ass and shit. And they had a jacuzzi. We rented a jacuzzi for the night. Like they were white trash. Freddie was just-

Breaking about the jacuzzi. Freddie was a sweetheart. And he came to me and he was like, listen, you can mug me. And when the cops come out and tell them that it's a Puerto Rican guy, just some mug, rob me. So the first time I did it, then he told me the cop asked me why I wasn't bleeding.

So if you rob me again, you gotta make me bleed. I'm like, oh, I'm afraid I don't do this to me. I'm like, I'm gonna cut you. What do you want me to do? What is it that you want me to do? And like four gas stations after that, we had like beat them up and I felt bad. After the first time, I didn't like hitting them.

That wasn't my bag. You know, I had to like deck them and make his nose bleed. Deck them? That's such a great old school. So I had to try or somebody. Like this is how much of a pussy I was. Like if I have a beef with you, I could hit you. But this guy, Freddie, was just a victim of life.

He didn't have any harm in his life except eating that fat bitch and snort and blow off her titties and shit. That's it. They had kids, they were ugly. I mean, he worked 90 hours a week to keep her in fucking high heels and, you know, like beer at night and wine and shit.

And I respected that. Even at that age. And I understood, and he was such a moe. He would go, you know, rob the gas station and anything over, buy the eight ball and anything over 500 you could keep. Give me at least 500 for robbing me. And I got it, you know, I got it well.

And I didn't care. Like every time I'd rob me, I'd like a thousand on them. And I'd tell him they had 900 or whatever. And he was so retarded, the poor guy. You know, I tried to make two, 300 and whatever and give him an eight ball and whatever. And I would just deck him. But I would hide my friends.

I was such a pussy, I would hide my friends. To tackle them, to tackle them. Cause I didn't want to hit them. I felt, I couldn't do it. He was such a read heart. He had no malice in his heart. So I would go, hey, you, and he would look at me in case the camera was looking, I'd have a mask on.

And I get like Louis Castellino, one of my crazy buddies just attacked him for the small nickel. Like a yardstick, a 50 and a couple of lines of blow. A fucking eight ball for a fucking couple of lines of blow in those days. You could get somebody to kill somebody. In the early 80s, for a grandma blow, I could get somebody to kill a motherfucker if I wanted to.

I had soldiers at my disposal for a grandma blow. That was $100. Wow. That was a hundred hard dollars when you were sophomore in high school. So I know kids that was- That's a lot of money to me now. I know people who were sophomores and juniors

that would kill a motherfucker for a grandma blow. And I thought, let's come down one time. Tackle him. If you like it, I'll cut you in a monthly letter. And they would say, are you fucking serious? Are you that crazy? I had him, I had this other wild guy, I got blesses, so his name is Randy Mergel.

This white dude was a fucking savage with clothes on. I know people from North Bergen are listening there. I remember this guy was a fucking savage, white trash, bad ass, cool as fuck. Me and him and Roseanne Di Agostino, brother Di Ag took a bus from New York City to Seaside Heights and I hit a red dragon acid. Listen to AC DC, the bus driver would have to pull

the bus over and go, guys, stop with the music. One more time and as soon as he'd sit down, ba-da-da, ba-da-da, da-da-da, da-da-da. Wow. Oh my God. I took him down there to Tackle Freddy one time. He almost killed them with a tackle. The kid was like a tremendous football player.

Didn't play football for three years in high school. In his senior year he came out, he was hurting people. Wow. Because he was just fueled on blow and fucking pussy and Lincoln school. Lincoln school was with a fucking, the tights went to school on the third floor, they bring them up and fucking chains and shit.

When you play them in grammar school, they take them to the games and chains and balls on their ankles. Balls on their knees. In elementary school, so they're like, hey, Lincoln school was this shit. Oh my God. You'd qualify, mother fucker,

are you going to Lincoln school? Are you on the third floor? If they say, because you'd go by there, desks would be flying out the fucking window. Oh my God. These people were crazy, but the whole area, like you had McKinley, Kennedy school, Kennedy school was predominantly Italian,

white, a couple Latinos. McKinley school was a lot more Latinos along the crazy side. Franklin school was dark. That was on 51st, that was a dark elementary school. I don't even think they had a gym. Yeah, McKinley didn't have a gym either. Why no gym?

No gym, they built them that way. You want to play gym, you got to play gym outside. Oh my God. When it snowed, you got to be in shoveling. I love how you knew that as a little kid at events at dark elementary school. And go to gym outside, dog. Wow.

We didn't have a gym till the eighth grade when I went to McKinley. We didn't have a gym. To practice flat, we practiced basketball at the 38th Street Park outside. Oh, that'd be so cold. But gym outside was awesome, like tackle football in the snow.

Not in motherfucking December, it wasn't. That ground gets so hard. No, you're right, that ground gets, but there was no grass out in front. This is just concrete. I took you there, that front yard. I took them there. It wasn't even, it wasn't even awesome.

And it was wide open. It's wide open. There's no building in this courtyard. There's nothing. There's a parking lot. It's a parking lot. And downstairs is where the old gym was, the lunch lady and Mrs. Sabatino.

I remember my lunch ladies too. Every time you look at it, I should give you an extra lunch. That was the best. Mrs. Sabatino. Yep. Jesus Christ. The greatest.

And look at, you know, I still get- Mrs. Caluca. And it's not that I get, I get more nostalgic about this shit than when I tell like drug stories about the fucking mugging people, you know. But those things like that, like- The real good times, yeah.

You know, McKinley. And then you had Franklin, Lincoln, but Lincoln covered a vast area, the projects, the field. God bless you. Thank you. Salute. Covered like a wild area.

So the kitchen in that neighborhood were a little wild. Yeah. Robert Fulton, they were a little bit nice Italian. They were a little bit calmer. Yeah. That was- God bless you.

Salute. Barribello. That's my allergies. I'm getting allergies lately. I started about three weeks ago. I thought it was a cold coming on, but it's been allergies. So I'm making that noise.

That's the noise I used to make when I was a kid. When dogs were- You'd snore all of them? I would make that noise because the hair got caught in my fucking lint bar. Oh, like the dander back there. Because something would fucking go crazy, you know. One of the best times you called me high and laughing

was when that radio personality got lost and you were convinced that, and then the president of Israel was coming and you were convinced that he had the cookie and you called me already laughing. Oh my God, I ate this cookie one day and I'm fucking wrecked in my living room. My wife was on the floor on the computer.

The baby was a baby, baby. I don't even think she was walking. She was not moving because I was fucking mummified. I'm sitting in this chair and it was something to do with Casey Kasem was lost that week. I couldn't get up to pour an iced tea. Like I couldn't get up to pour an iced tea.

I'm like, this is terrible. Then they started doing a report on TV while I was thinking about the iced tea about Casey Kasem's been missing, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So I'm sitting there going, ooh, maybe Casey had one of these cookies. Because I know, I'm a fucking,

I'm a savage and this cookie's making me fucking go crazy. If a civilian eats this fucking cookie, I can't even imagine what would happen to him, you know. So. And you called me howling and then you said the president of Israel was coming because he knew about the cookies. And you couldn't even get it out.

That's my favorite when you laugh like that one. When you can't even get it out. It's the best kind of laugh. That's it. That's the best thing in life. That's it. When you make yourself laugh at that point, that's when you know you're on to a good joke

and then that always comes late at night or early in the morning. You get the certain clarity. Late at night when you've laid down already and put that huh on your pillow, your mind slips. That's true. A premise and a tremendous tag that you got it now. Now it's all over.

You giggle it. You work it out in your head and you work it out so much in your head that you kind of wake up and you go, you know what, I'm gonna write it down. You go, why would I? I remember this in the morning and 10 out of 10 times.

Yeah, you don't got it. There's no fucking way. I said a little itch under my nuts. Sometimes it's like six, eight inches deep south. Like you get like a little ingrown hair. I got that today on the plane, but I didn't want to stick my hand down my pants. Fuck that.

I got up and shoved my hand right down my fucking pant and pull out that fucking odor of nut sock. Cause once you stick your hand in and you open up your front of your pants, that nut sock rises a little bit. You'll catch it. If like your girlfriend's in the area, she'll notice that it smells like your nuts.

Like your girlfriend or your wife or something. Lee, what's going on with you? You over there looking like the fucking ceiling. I'm high. You gave me the fricking edible though. You gave me when Ari was here. What's the matter? You're fine.

I gave you 10, 15 milligrams. He's not. The whole thing was sturdy, Lee. No, it wasn't. I took 20, you took maybe 12. No. First of all, I got half of it. Second of all, there's no way.

I gave you the bottom half. I ate the brains. I ate from the ears up. It's the same thing. You ate from the mouth down. No, it's not the same thing cause the head was thicker up on fucking top. There's a little chin.

Yeah, the head was thicker, but the whole thing was green. The cookie was green from the wing. That's because that's how they do it for Halloween. The fuck, it's a new chef. The cookie was delicious, gluten-free. He's looking after you. Eight calories made with stevia.

The fuck, you know what I'm saying? This kid's never satisfied. He's the Judas Priest in the first half. That's a good song, never satisfied. They're on tour? How? You know, Ray Canella's coming next week. Oh yeah.

My buddy's coming next week. And he was going to, he goes, you're not going to believe what I'm doing on Monday. I go, tell me. Cause I'm going to see Judas Priest in that way. I'm like, oh my God, that's great. I've seen Judas Priest 10 times, but I couldn't go see him now.

I feel so out of place and so fucking old. I feel older than Judas Priest, honestly, if I was 30. Yeah. But don't you think everybody will be there or be old? Yeah, those guys are going to be 60, easy. If I'm 51, fucking Rob Halfords, gotta be fucking 60.

Has to be. How is, how is trick-or-treating? Trick-or-treating was brilliant. I was with the Wizard of Oz. No, you weren't. Yes, I was. Mercy was fucking, Mercy was fucking dark. And my wife was the witch.

What the fuck do you think you're dealing with? Some fucking novice organization here? How did you dress up as a wizard? Did you have like a wizard hat? I had a hat and a fucking cape. How do you think a wizard's fucking hat? Oh, that's great. How do you think a wizard runs the fucking show?

You buy, you don't buy me a cape? You don't get like a two-fold cape deal? I got the cape at the house. Check it out. I don't fuck around. Oh my goodness. Yeah, we don't fuck around. Jack.

That's the cutest picture I've ever seen. We're posting on fucking Twitter and shit. Oh my goodness. And she had these shiny shoes on, they were slippery like the ones I had when I came from Cuba. And I knew she was a goner, she was gonna take it. Look at the hat I had, see?

The Zombo hat with the stars. Oh no. I had the episode, I still got it. I might drive with it tomorrow and just go on stage if the fucking cape was mystical. Wearing a cape just gives you this fucking, it gives you this certain fucking patois. You know, that's what people on motherfuckers don't know.

The cape gives you a certain. It adds. Yeah, it adds something to you. Did you like whip it around a couple of times? Like with your arms? No, when you got class and personality. You gotta at least try it out. I don't need no fucking whip it around

like some half a fruitcake in fucking Transylvania. Transylvania. I'm running this fucking game, you know what I'm saying? Fuck these hoes. I'm running this fucking game. I'm not trying to sell the cape. The cape is selling me, bitch. I'm not selling the cape.

We're gonna have a cape company call us now cause that's the best dad I've ever heard from a cape. I'm telling you, fuck yeah. I don't need to sell this cape. The cape sells me. The cape sells me. The cape tells him what the fuck is crack I'm lacking. When somebody sees you with a cape,

he thinks two fucking things. This guy's got balls. Oh, he's gonna fly. That's it. There's no other fucking ending to that. Either this guy's got balls of steel, walking the streets on a Friday night with a fucking cape on.

Oh, he's gonna just zoom by the time I go get my hands on. That's all. Where else do you think when somebody has a cape on? Anybody else got any fucking ideas here tonight? I've never seen anyone wear a cape. That's the problem. You gotta get out there more.

You're at home, you wanna go to 24 hour fitness. That's why you gotta bust the first cape out. You gotta bust the cape at 24 hours. On the elliptical? Right on the elliptical. That'd be just fantastic. Right next to the fans, so it's. Fuck you, tremendous, like Fabio.

And then bust out the tuxedo. I would love to. Who's better than you? How much they wanna charge you for this tuxedo? It's 200 for the weekend. No, for fucking life. To go down there in the morning. Oh, to buy it?

I have no idea. Call them up and say, listen, I'm gonna come down to the mall and write a check. What do you got for me? I want the same fucking tuxedo. Got my nuts wet in it. I just in the pants.

I didn't even wanna think about how many people have been wearing that tux before. So you defucking flammatate the assholes. Defuck. Take them to the fucking dry cleaner. And say, listen, some filthy fuck wall, these pants for two years. I want you to take every pubic fucking hair.

Listen, if CSI shows up, they don't know who's asshole was in here. That's how clean I want these fucking pants, all right? CSI. CSI's don't let it go in there and go, you know what? We can't decide for the Yoda. But by the fucking patois, the underwear,

mixed with the cotton and the fucking whiff of the pants and the oxide levels, that's how they blast you. That's asshole? You know, I ain't no fucking wizard, but I tell you what. Actually, I have photo evidence that you're a wizard. I'm a fake wizard. I went on a one night a year with a hat on, big fucking deal.

You gotta work hard to be a wizard, you know what I'm saying? What if I was walking around with a freaking wizard hat? You'd kill me. You'd never let me hit the end of it. Well, if you're walking by yourself with that, listen. Listen, if you're walking by yourself down the street with a wizard hat on, again, I'm thinking to myself, either this motherfucker's got balls or he knows something.

He's gonna start shooting. Either way, I'm gonna leave him alone. I could be, that could be Berkowitz's cousin. He's looking for John Lennon's son, you know what I'm saying? Maybe John Lennon's son's in Sherman Oaks doing a kettlebell class or something. Here I am driving around fucking Sherman Oaks with the fucking smell of Yoko Ono in the car.

That fucking kiss of death, Yoko Ono. I can just imagine what would happen if you put Yoko Ono in fucking sugar night in the same fucking building. There would be a fire, Martians would attack, a missile would hit them, a fucking satellite would land on them. There would be a shootout, the fucking triads would show up

and slice her fucking neck finally. Why somebody hasn't shot Yoko yet is beyond me. You understand me? Boy, John is dead and buried. There's nothing but bones on a beetle arm and some kids slipped in there. Fucking Yoko's still walking around like some fucking sluts.

Unbelievable what I got to put up with. What up, Lisa yet? You're sitting there fucking stoned to the gills. I am. I had something, not weird, but I felt bad about myself on the flight there. Two gay guys sat next to me. And they were fine.

The Hindu guy? No, no, this was on the way back, on the way there. And it was a ride I saw everyone sleeping and this one guy went to grab his boyfriend's hand and he touched my leg. And I immediately, my first reaction was to get kind of freaked out. And I kind of felt bad about myself.

I was like, if this was a straight guy, I wouldn't think he was doing anything. And if it was a girl, I wouldn't think anything. But just because he was gay, my first reaction was just a bad one. I felt bad about myself. You did? Well, your first reaction, they say,

is your best reaction, correct? Yeah. The guy touched you, you know, you're Jewish. You know, you're looking at this guy going, this guy's gay, he's got some gaiters. Maybe I should sue him. He touched my leg, God knows what could happen. That would have been a good plan.

I don't know, Lee, I don't know what to matter with you. How many edibles have you had? I don't know, I'm fucking mad. Does it matter? Does it really fucking matter what edibles I had? You're the one that's over there. You don't see me getting freaked out. I could fucking, you know, fucking,

Johnny Floyd was touching me. If the guy who sat next to me on the flight here today sat next to you, you'd fucking make them change your seat. You had a hen do? I did. Was he the gay guy? No, no, he was just smelly. So where were you in the middle?

No, I was on the window, I always get the window. On the way there, I was in the window and there were two gay guys to the left of me. So left you in the same mile? Yeah. And one of them touched you by mistake? Yeah. And did your dick get on a little bit?

No. Tell me the truth. Did your nut sack get hard? Is that why you're upset? Did my nut sack get hard? Something, you know, something must have got, you turned on because you had a feeling. No, it was just a weird first reaction.

I don't know. Which was why you touching my leg? It was like, yeah, like it just, I don't even know why I did it. Like I had to think about it afterwards. I don't know. I don't know, like it's like the same feeling you get, like when you see two guys kissing,

it's just like, it kind of feels weird all of a sudden for a second. And like it shouldn't, and that's a bad, like I have to work through that, but it's just a reaction, it's like a, just a natural reaction. You know, and I just keep walking. When I see two guys holding their hands,

making up, I just put my head down, say a prayer and keep walking. That's all you could do. I don't say a prayer for them. I say a prayer for myself, you know what I'm saying? Fucking unbelievable. But this is where we've gone. What are you gonna do?

People are free now. Wait, no, no, and there's nothing wrong. I don't give a shit. I don't give a shit. I don't give a fuck. I always get gay stortices. Oh yeah. And they're the best.

They always give me extra cookies. They care. They care. They're always in a good mood. Fuck yeah. Do you know a lot of them now since you fly a lot? Yeah. You see a bunch of them?

Yeah, I meet a lot of people, man. It's amazing how you see people and they're like, oh, I had you last time. Yeah, that's cool. You know, I'm about to do three more weeks, but it's funny what I went through about, I caught myself the second week of this last three-weeker. And I was burnt out, guys.

I was fucking burnt out there one week. And I knew what it was, that I hadn't had a week off. I did Brea, New York. And then that one week, I went to the fucking races. We probably did two podcasts. I did like a set Tuesday and Wednesday at the store and Friday and Saturday at the store and three and fucking long beats.

It adds up. And I did two podcasts and two jiu-jitsu's and a knee surgery and this and that. Then I went back on the road for a week. And I was like, oh my God, that week I was home. I was supposed to be resting for this three-weeker. And it's week one and I'm fucking dead. Like, I better put this in fucking overdrive.

And then the second week, I'll leave on Wednesday and that just fucking killed me, you know? That's just, then the week after that I'll leave on Wednesday and that just fucking killed me again. You know, you have to fly on Wednesday and take a nap and wake up there. You don't know. Travel days are the worst.

But the whole thing is you don't want to fly and then just go right onto stage. You like to fucking relax in the hotel room. Get adjusted. Get a bowl of soups and crackers. Watch a couple hours of fucking law and order. I think it's an Ebola soup. No, I'm not Ebola soup.

Get it together, cocksucker. And you want time in between yourself and the comedy. Think about what's happened to decompress a little bit. Getting off a plane and taking a shower and going right to a comedy show is fucking horrible. Yeah. It's horrible. Your focus will be off that night.

And the stress, if you miss the flight, if there's any delays. So these are the things that, but it's crazy that this week when I came back, I had a plan. I had the week off last week and I couldn't wait because I did two podcasts. We did a live podcast, so we did three.

But I also only wanted to do comedy two nights. Friday night off because of trick or treating. But I also find that Friday at three o'clock, I'm done, guys. Friday at three o'clock, no matter where I am, there's a point of solitude where I'm like, oh my God, I gotta go out tonight. Saturday, I'm programmed to go out.

Yeah, that's since I was three. You're programmed to fucking go out. And Friday, you should be programmed to go out. But I think after like 37 Fridays, we're hitting me harder and harder and harder. And by like fucking four years ago, oh my God, on a Friday night at three in the afternoon, I'm fucking done.

Like I'm done. Like I don't try to schedule nothing. You know, I mean, it was fucking craziness. You gotta recharge your batteries. You gotta do it. You really do. And I learned to balance last week. I fucking slept two days.

Like I, the doctor gave me, I had to give me sleeping pills. And that's why I don't, my stress levels were so high. Because I would lay down and I couldn't shut the fuck off. I don't like that feeling. I stopped the coffee at night, even though the caffeinated done. That shit just fuels the fuck off.

Yeah, absolutely. No caffeine. Even though the caffeinated fuels you. So I go to bed without nothing now. Fucking playing clean and sober. That's what I'm doing. More water. A little water and a little cup of two hits

of the two tulips. And you're back. You know what I'm saying? When are you going back to Philly? What's going on with you? I'll probably go back in December, right before Christmas. Cause it's too expensive to go home for Christmas.

And then I'm on the road. Reno, Calgary, Vegas, Seattle. I'm going to stay in town for Thanksgiving just cause I don't want to be on a plane for another week. Well, I'm going to bring your cookies back. Cause I'm going the week before. Oh, nice. To Philly.

That plane ticket is fucking expensive. Oh my God. But like I told this, I owe to buy this. So listen, I got bad news for you. It's going to stay like this till January 3rd. Then everything's going to drop. Cause who the fuck, you know? We live in times now that like this week, people are struggling.

I went to the weed shop today and I go, no line. They're like, not this week. It's rent week. It's bill week. Yeah. This is dead. I was on Hollywood Boulevard last night. It was like a ghost town.

Ghost town. Well, everyone knows that there's Thanksgiving and there's Christmas and then a Valentine's Day. All within a few months. That's some brother. Nobody's thinking about Valentine's Day. People just trying to work. People just trying to put

Today. Christmas. Yeah. There's a fuck about Valentine's Day. They're like, fucking Christmas is coming. We're really three weeks away from Thanksgiving. I know. That's it.

So you basically have five weeks to maneuver. In five weeks, everything shuts down. It doesn't shut. Joey, what the fuck? It shuts down mentally. Yeah. People are already locking up their year. They're accepting what happened.

You know what? I gained 18 pounds. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to fucking go to that fireplace every day till the 31st. And then start over. And then I'm joining fucking Tai Chi school and ballet. You know, whatever the fuck it is.

I used to do that all the time. I have like a little blow up before a diet started and then the diet. And then you, you, you mess it up. Like you have something at midnight. Then I before like tomorrow is ruined. I have to wait until I have to wait until next Monday now. Cause I can't start on the Tuesday.

Cause that's crazy. I used to make all those excuses. No, it's really, it's really weird how that's it. Once the fucking Halloween holiday passed by Sunday, you were already seeing Thanksgiving and Christmas commercials. Oh yeah. I was in CVS on Halloween during the day.

Candy was 50% off and they were taking it out. They used to let it sit in there for days to blow it out. Nope. 50% off the Christmas decorations are already up where there was a scarecrow. This is on the 31st. They had a snowman. They had Santa Claus.

I bought the M&Ms that were normally 4.39 a bag for $1.88. I turned around and the whole display was gone. They were taking it out in the back. Alrighty, the Christmas stuff is already up at Ralph's. It's up at CVS. It's already Christmas. It's already, that's it. And people after the sixth, the eighth,

you have the Christmas party. You got your cousin's party. You got your stomach is party. You got this guy's party. You're eating cookies. That's it in your mind when you go to work. You're there physically, but mentally you're putting together the fucking recipes

and you're putting together the pool for the New Year's Eve game and all that bullshit. It's amazing what happens to people. I say, holiday weeks. That's why I hate those Monday off because those people only go to work Monday. They get enough done to cover Monday and they know that after that,

they're on the computer looking at fucking flannel shirts. We're gonna go fishing. How good do you all look? Yeah, hello, Bean. Is it weird for you guys being out here and not having only a snowy Christmas? Cause how not good it doesn't matter. Like I never, but is it weird seeing like palm trees

during Christmas time for you guys? It was for me at first. Yeah, it was at first. You guys don't know what Christmas is till you live in California, especially if you're used to something. I was used to nothing. I spent Christmases at bars.

I didn't want to go to Christmases and then want to be around people. It was because it reminded me too much of family and it hurt too much. So I would go someplace where it wouldn't remind me. Lee would be at a bar, you know, those dingy neighborhood bars in Jersey where the owner cooks lasagna

if you're coming on Christmas day. I would do that and watch a football game. I may believe I was interested, but I really wasn't interested. It was six or seven years after my mom died. I didn't want to be around people opening up presents saying I love yous and all that shit. So I would go to bars,

or for a guy like yourself that you've celebrated Christmases with people. Let's face it, Christmas out here sucks dick, Lee. Sucks dick. You know, you have a girlfriend now and you're gonna spend it with her and you're gonna wake up fucking Christmas day and hug her and the grandma's gonna make you

fucking tamales and shit and hopefully she'll get your robe and you'll get whatever fuck you're gonna get it. But don't be a jack-of-a-n-getter or wedding engagement. No, no, no, not for a while. This fucking guy went to a wedding, it's all emotional, he's on the phone with Israel. He's sending my bond money from the fucking,

from the Hitler payback fund. They get very family like $2,200 a year if they don't touch the fucking Hitler payback fund. They did it to black people, right? Black people sued white people, right? I don't think so. I don't believe it's for reparations. It's supposed to be.

For reprimands, reprimands. Reparations. Reparations, yeah, so the Jews said, listen, we want to sue Jeremy for reparations. That's what they should do. What are we talking about? We're talking about something like that. Christmas, Christmas.

That's a stupid fucking joke. It's amazing you don't know what loneliness is to you wake up Christmas day here. That's the worst. You got Stouffer's lasagna in the fucking oven and you're used to your mother's stuff and you're used, you know, I can't, me, like I said, for me, it still hurts a little bit.

I was telling my wife the other day, I looked straight and I go, if I were to get you a plane ticket to go home, do you want to go home and come back like on the 28th and spend New Year's here but go, because it's not about me, it's about that baby. I wanted to see snow. I wanted to sit with these people on a fire,

but what are you going to do here? What are you going to do here? Go to somebody, I'm over to watch USC. I don't want to watch USC. I want to sit around and eat some fucking smelts. Smelts, that's old school Christmas-y. Yeah, that's old school Guinea right there. You went over the night before,

you ate some fucking smelts of seven fishes. Maybe after that I'll drop by Lee's house. Is that what it was? Like, is it a Catholic Italian thing, fish? Yeah, on Christmas Eve. Because my dad's friends were Italian Catholics and we went over every year and every year a different cousin was Santa.

And they didn't shave and it was awesome and they had like meatballs and ravioli. It was the best. I got Christmas without being Christian. It was the most amazing thing ever. There's really no tightness, unless you have Mexican friends. Yeah.

That's it, that's the tightness. They're the ones that are like Maryland. Today, by the way, is seven years of Maryland's death. I woke up, and it's also Rick Ramos' birthday. That fucking Strux, that's fucking- I gotta give him a call. Yeah, I gotta give him a call through the poor fucking late,

that little birthday, how do you feel? You're fucking Strux. You go to the movies, you gotta put an extra seat between you and shit in case the shooter makes a comeback. That's the shooting of the movie looking for Batman's cousin. We still got it here on the Churchill,

what's happened now. Where's fucking Tony Bennett, cucksucker? It's a beautiful night here. Relax, grab some wine, do what you need to do. I don't give a fuck. You wanna stick around, stick around. I know you got shit to do. I wanna be around

to pick up the pieces When somebody breaks your heart Some somebody twice as smart As I But somebody who will swear to me Can't believe someone texted you, Joey This fucking savage They keep texting me for some reason

you know I'd say who the fuck knows anymore We just show up we eat a cookie and life goes on you know saying Steve Sumo How excited you you call your mom until you're releasing your first CD under yeah, I did actually the flying Jew label She loves Lee that Lee sounds like a sweetie. He's the fucking fucking master. This ass Disaster disaster was little green shirt. I'm looking fucking tremendous. I had to take the umica off because my head was getting too hot Was in that cookie? Oh death

That's what Joey would say Yeah Gotta get stoned. It's Monday night. You're gonna show up here with no fucking bullets in your gun This fucking guy goes to a wedding doesn't even bring a fucking little hive himself to go to the bathroom He's goofing on everybody Fuck you go to your sit next to your mom. You'll see shit. You never saw before You eat a little fucking gummy bear next to a little hatch. You'll never notice it. Why are you eyes readily? I don't know. I got fucking big old fucking onions in my eyes. I don't fucking know what I'm an adult mom shit happens

What's with the fucking questions? No more religious pictures Religious pictures Casino Casino good fellas good fellas no more religious pictures Yeah, you gotta eat there you have ten gummies at the house three pounds of weed and You go to a wedding like a fucking mood. Well, I'm still scared of bringing it on the plane I got I got that little thing in my suitcase your bag has been checked by TSA They open it look around and close the fucking thing for the 80th time

It's I don't know you don't get scared. No, what are you scared of? I don't know what are you scared first of all the gummy bears should be in your pocket You ripped the label right off of you eat half of it and you put the other half right in the fucking security bucket I had some hard asses in Albany today. They made me take my belt off. Yeah, that's what they do everywhere No, but I I never take the belt off. Yeah, they've had it down the pocket You have to raise your arms you got so if you have the Gumi fucking they fucking checked on the armpit No, don't fuck with me cocksucker. They made you raise your arms and they tickled you a little bit You put the gummy right in the fucking security basket if you take the label off it just looks like it just looks like candy

You fucking why does America make everything tough and what the fuck it really is? What do you mean? Everybody else to smuggle it put it right in front of them You know Every day people shoot people and they get caught the dumbest people were the best hitmen those Italian guys Shot people for years drool buried them in the middle of the night I'm one of the last time you read that four fucking guys got pinched Burying a body a four in the morning. You've never read that. No, you go to Vegas

1,000 bodies buried out there go to Jersey to the Netherlands. They're all bodies. Those are cemeteries out there Four people takes to bury somebody you gotta dig a hole in fucking two hours That fucking floor is fucking old. You just don't show up with shovels and everybody just starts Four out of shape people that takes six hours to bury a fucking body throw Clorox on top of them some fucking lie Some cement put water it down put fucking shit on top of it and then bury it Nobody finds you have to mix it in that takes fucking ten hours to bury somebody unless you already got the whole dug You know so you show up there with the whole dug and the body and now But to stand there with the body for ten fucking hours in the trunk of the car while you bear that's horribly

How we get on the subject? I have no idea. Why would you bring this shit up? We're talking about Malin being dead and now you want to bring this up. It's amazing that Malin Like ten days before she'd like she died on a Tuesday or something. So The Sunday before was when she told me to stop doing blow. Wow I stopped doing blow maybe Three or four days before Malin died like that weekend I went to Jersey Malin died on a Wednesday. I went to Jersey on a Thursday night and Thursday night I went back to my hotel room and I didn't know why I was staying at a different hotel

Yeah, and I was gonna see a lot of weird people and I thought something cute was gonna happen Like I've got feeling your stomach. So when I went there Thursday night My friend picked me up drove me there. I smoked a joint with her outside. She left I just took a shower And I was mom mad at it. I had stored in LA the night before Malin had told me that Sunday so that Thursday I didn't get high

Didn't that Friday I thought about getting high But something I didn't want to be high because the show was Saturday night. I was doing a benefit for cops and Hoboken and I was doing the high school the football the basketball team they get jerseys That's great. So the one show was at 60. I wasn't nine perfect. So Friday night. I said, you know what? I'm not gonna snuck out And about two I wanted to get high. I was like, oh, I can make a call. I'm like, oh, let me just go to bed I was staying in C caucus. So it was away from everybody. That's why I didn't trust it Then that Saturday I did the benefit for the cops and then I went to the high school thing

And at the high schools thing one of my buddies yelled something stupid in the audience Mm-hmm about like a robbery or something and I could see how fucking coked up he was He couldn't even control himself Like he was John and shit was the bottom of a basement and I looked at him and I go, you know, that's why I look like snorting coke I'm not snorting coke tonight So when I got off that plane on Sunday when Malin died that Saturday, that's when she died that Saturday and they were gonna bury her Wednesday and And the wake was to the wake was Wednesday. Everything was one. There wasn't even a wake

Hey, I just want to go into the church. Yeah, we all went to the church So they buried on a Wednesday because I used to go to Kempo Karate then you're right Wednesday is when we fucking buried it We went to the church and then we did the thing at the comedy store that night Yeah, so by the time I got to the comedy store, I was six nights clean with no blow So I got there Sunday night. I didn't do blow on purpose or just just the way things Worked themselves out Right and then So I got back that Sunday and I didn't do blow Marilyn had died and I don't know something just didn't hit me right the way

She told me I won't do blow till Monday Monday was always my night. Okay. I love getting blasted on Monday That's I had heroin left at the house My buddy had sent me a little bit of fucking heroin. That's a Marilyn line. I'm like, you know what fuck I didn't get on for a few days. I feel good tomorrow nights to not do a little heroin a little fucking blown Couldn't get myself to do I got a call to do a movie and The people call like in the morning and they say you're interested and I go fuck. Yeah, I did the table read I've been bugging the fucking people for 18 months now. You fucking call me and like there's only a problem It's not gonna be a big budget movie. You're probably gonna get a hundred dollars a day

But you know work 20 days. You're right with that. I go fuck yet And they said here's the other problem. There's no days off except a Thursday for Thanksgiving I Said okay, and they said in something else We know about your problem So do not agree to this movie unless you control it and I'll tell you why because the movies getting shot in one room So everybody is in every scene It's not like Lee's not gonna come until 10 because he pours coffee

They either shoot one half of the room or the other half of the room That's the way the whole movie was wow the whole movie was shot in one room. That's why we're so cheap to make So you couldn't miss so the guy goes we understand your dilemma We sympathize with you. Yeah, the guy was really nice And then I called somebody else and I go, hey man This guy just offered me this and this is what they said to me goes Joey, you know people know Yeah, this is a quick movie and they can't risk you

Being fucking high and not showing up or showing up 30 minutes late, right? So I thought about I thought how embarrassing that was yeah, that's something you have to mention that to me Yep, that if you take this movie you can't fucking get high And I said, you know what? Just because somebody knows I'm gonna fuck these motherfuckers up the ass I'm not gonna get high I'm gonna do this. Wow. So it's like rehab It was like the little work in a mysterious ways because you were already clean for a week

I had five days clean or six days clean and the night that I went to the commie store and caused all that problem There was no night. I wanted to get higher more than that night But I felt so bad. I was so overwhelmed with anger. Yeah, but I go the coke would just take me somewhere else I didn't get high that night and then that Thursday That I was gonna start shooting that Friday, but when did super bad happen? super bad happen that Week Super bad. In fact, I hugged a bad today. What a week and I told my wife I go. Hey

This week is we've had super bad for fucking seven years and it goes. How do you remember they go Marilyn died today? So it was either last night or a night before When DJ died first, yeah, we had a Siamese cat that was fucking beautiful That was their brother. That was super bad's brother and those two girls a sister And he played with Lulu. He was always kitten mates with Lulu and Evie was always kitten mates with super bad So the one that I loved the most out of that litter was DJ DJ was deep Jimmy, Jr.

And Jimmy, Jr. At that small size would pick up a tennis ball with his teeth and bring it to you It was fucking genius. He was a kitten. Wow. He was four weeks He would pick up that little fucking thing and he would jump up in the air try to jump he'd spin around he'd fall over He was just a goofball that was grown, but he was a genius. I come out and I'm gonna go DJ DJ and he fucking come running When he come running and you pet him and he purr and his sister would come over None of them will let you touch your only DJ, but super bad would always stand in the corner I know all the cats he was the farthest my wife tried to be friend them fuck you I

Tried to be friend them fuck you would run and he would take DJ and make him climb up the tree To hunt that the birds and the fucking garage nice to hate him. I go so this motherfucker don't come to me He don't have my food he won't pat and then he takes this guy into bad influence and if he does something to DJ I'm gonna fucking kill him like I started not liking this fucking super bad cat I'm like, I don't fucking like this motherfucker. Yeah, I would go out there and DJ and sometimes he would take a little longer And also he come back black with the other fucking cat There was somewhere where they weren't supposed to be like oh, we're fucking stupid bad. Whatever had you I didn't call him super bad Then I just called him my shittiest

Was something fuck-o or something and then one day I'm like super bad you bad motherfucker get the fuck out of here So when all that went down that week, I was sober. I Don't even know maybe like a day. I'm who the fuck knows yes Because it was before I went to New York because when I was in New York I kept calling the house but when I was a cat it was right around that week when I came home and I had a package

I had a package and that was probably the last time I started it was before I went to New York Thank you for bringing that up. Well, it was that Wednesday Because I came home with a fucking package and a half. I did like somebody's gig on a Wednesday You know seven years ago on a Wednesday night There were eight gigs you could do. Yeah, you know fly I had the Latin castle Athena and this guy So I would just go out and pick up 160 bucks and Go to my boys and spend 60 and get this the packet supreme. Yeah, you know, fuck the taco

I was getting the burrito supreme on Wednesday night And as I fucking now usually whenever I did the blow in the garage I would do a little bit and then run upstairs and Terry would be out cold So it would just be me and the cats. I'd stay in the bathroom. I jerk off I do a couple more lines. I come a little bit. I get paranoid then I go out there and what down the computer Well, this particular night when I walked in Terry's light was on Michael all fuck So she comes out. She said before you open the door

DJs in there. He's dying and so it's super bad. I just don't want them to die outside I was like, are you fucking talking about and she goes their legs roll up That means the anemic or something when they're in the anemia And I fucking run inside and I fucking They're both just like, you know, they're barely alive, you know, and I Start pissing and doing the blow and then I tell her go to sleep You know, and I start doing the blow and I would go in there every 20 minutes and I do a line And I packed the little ones DJ. I

Think I reached for super bad a couple times like you little motherfucker. Who's the boss now bitch, you know And I did a bunch of coke and went to sleep and that night she woke me up I got six three and I'm one and she goes just to let you know DJs dead And I looked like I just closed the door and I go fuck it They bought and I go, no, I can't have two cats die appeared I got up and I got on my hands and knees and pet them and I prayed to God I prayed to fucking every God I knew to please save this motherfucker. I couldn't let him die in my house I'm not gonna keep them. I know fucking keep this guy

You know, and I went to get the oatmeal cookies and as I was sitting there giving them Crumpled up oatmeal cookies. That's the only thing he would eat. He would barely just take his mouth I eat it. He was just that's it a little bit of water put water in my finger He'll lick my finger and there was the weirdest thing because I thought about How if I wouldn't I knew I wanted to quit the blow. I knew that Marilyn had already read me the fucking riot I I knew this I knew it had a stop. I knew that I was doing heroin I knew that the back of my neck was hurting at night I would get shocks in the back of my neck like those people had jolt like I was getting shocks

My spine was hurting a little bit at towards the end of the night My spine would hurt in bed. It wasn't gonna be good. This was not gonna end good guys So something had to change and the first thing I thought about when I was in the floor giving them the cookies was I brought that poison into this fucking house Let's face it. Let's be fucking honest for everybody here. This cat was on the fence and me bringing that in balance That torment that impurity into that house

Took him over the fucking top That's my thinking that was my thinking at that time And I said, you know what while this cat is rehabbing. I'm not gonna bring that shit up here And that was the first time I really believed myself Like usually you tell yourself tomorrow. I'm going to the gym. I'm gonna lose 80 pounds. Fuck that. I'm gonna eat this cake Like I believed it like I was like it's not he's not gonna die So I have to snort coke somewhere else better yet. I'll still come over here with the coke in my system I won't snort and that's when I said, you know what if this fucking animal lives

I'll never do cocaine again Whoever the guy's running the show. It could be a chinese guy Buddha it could be fucking Farrakhan's nephew some big fat black guy It could be an italian looking motherfucking with a beard. Who's ever running the show. I'm making you this promise as a man That you know what I've done below for 30 years I'm 44 years old John Gotti was 45 when he took over the gambinos Maybe if I fucking stopped doing coke right now something good will happen in my life

So if you could help me God and save this cat, I'll never do coke again And I remember walking out of the bathroom. I'm really believing that like really fucking believing like all the times I said That's it. That's the last line, you know That time there when I walked out of that bathroom and it was scary how much I believed it That I was ready to go out and do coke Wow, do you follow me the the line? I tread and also in the movie came Awesome marines weight came awesome all these tough things got thrown at me. Yeah, boom boom boom to test it How bad do you want and it was 10 days of hell plus this movie and I said, you know what this is what I'm made of

This is what I'm made of once I get a call from producer and he's telling me we know about your drug problem You're gonna be like Michael this guy You're gonna be just like those people that guy when people mention your name. They're gonna go. He's great, but The last time on the set he was eating pills and falling asleep in his trailer and we can wake him up one morning And that's gonna be the decisive thing all you need is one voice against you At every fucking one of those things and you're gonna lose 50% of the jobs plus your credibility for what? To do coke something that's already been done for 20 fucking years. I couldn't get no more mileage out of it I got my dick sucked. I got coke blown in my ass with a straw

Coke rocks in my pee hole. I had robbed my friends. I robbed my family. I lost my dignity I went to prison over it. How much more fucking blow could I fucking do? What is the purpose of this? Where's it gonna go? And I believed myself that I was fucking done with the coke and that was it and that cat lived So this morning when I remember Marilyn I picked him up and I hugged him. He jumped on me and ever since that day a good friend of mine What's the the redheaded comedian at the store older guy hung out with kennis and those guys Shows up once a year with jimmy shuber

One day we were shooting a short film and he was telling me that When he was in college he had taken a class a psychology class and the semester they studied cats And he was overwhelmed about what he found out about cats that they had a ton of gratitude That they showed gratitude and I thought he was he was I looked at him like all right, whatever And from super bad. I'm telling you that every day After that, he always gave me a little bit extra attention Till this day Terry always says get your stinky cat out of here because everybody knows that's my fucking cat He knows I made that promise. That's why I love him as much as I do because he knows

He knows every day I was in that room with him on my hands and knees give him those oatmeal cookies And now he would look at me and just want to say, you know what? Let me die He would that's what he was saying. Just let me die dog. I don't need this shit. I'm on that jungle with fucking fleas I got my sister chasing me with her stinky fucking ass And I got both girls and I got super bad today And then my favorite pack, although I'm demmy and harry are a tight. I love demmy and harry But those three I've always stolen my heart But it's funny because super bad bugs you like every like at least once when I'm over there

Super bad. I'm gonna kick you because super bad always attacks harry But it's funny because I picked up demmy alley And harry were all kittens at the same time. They were from different moms But they were all on that. They all have the same father alley harry and fucking demmy all have the same father So they were well demmy and harry are brothers. Yeah

Alley's their sister but from a different chick that was in the yard A gold beautiful sigmes are pretty eyes. If you look at alley, she's beautiful. She's just getting waiting the lady is But she's fucking beautiful. You know what I'm saying? She's like fucking, you know Any chick now What's going on? Hey, you got a woman? Yeah, it's all right. It's good. What's this all right? Like shaving it off like Henry It's all right That story is just amazing because to me that story is just about love and how that works in mysterious ways No, I never looked back. I never ever ever have looked back and go wow

I want to do a line. I know that if I broke that promise It would be a man promise. It's nothing to do with god or It's it's a day that you just wake up and make a promise to yourself and every day that I live from that promise It just makes me stronger because I made that promise is that much stronger. I stuck to it Well, look how beautiful your life is now. Yeah, it's amazing because of that night all that promise Opened up so many fucking opportunities, you know It's really if you'd have told me this 10 years ago, throw you crazy What's up with you cocksucker? Are you gonna make a promise not to eat edibles no more?

No, because you want let me do it, but like you did couple like 30 years something like that How many years do you think you were you didn't you enjoyed it? Like it seemed like at the end you would feel like sick of it. I think the first 10 years. I really enjoyed the So 20 years God it just became a part of my life. It was like, all right. This is what you wanted We're gonna give it to you. Yeah And every opportunity you have Two days into it somebody's in a show up with coke

I always knew where to get go I could find coke in a small city in a big city at a bar at a restaurant at a fucking toilet I could find cocaine And within two days I could find who was selling pounds Wow, and I knew how I could rob them already. So I got all these options thrown at me. It was just It was one of the worst situations ever. It was like somebody to a curse on me. You want to blow? Okay We're gonna let you do blow. You're gonna do some fucking blow though Yeah, that's crazy. You said that at the beginning of the podcast. Be careful what you wish for

That's crazy. Sometimes you gotta let's give some shout outs here Lisa. What are you looking at me like a fucking Because you got me high. I gave you a beautiful shirt from New Zealand. Oh, yeah My main man Mel Pryor sent and he sent two t-shirts He sent some candy from my wife That sounds fucked up, but whatever And he sent a beautiful teddy bear from my daughter when I thank him all the way from fucking New Zealand They're beautiful shirts beautiful designs Duncan McGregor. You bad mother fucker Caesar Flores

John Michaels Johnny fun buckets Givork kevin ballion We're the whole then the givork kevin by yarn. I don't know what the fuck's going on there Gay york and then bablion. How did kevin come into this fucking thing and my main man tyler Perziva, whatever you're a bad motherfucker. You know what I'm saying? Tell me about the evolution of the cd. How long have you been has this been in the works? First since I got started I would say pretty much working years pretty much

It's 14 years. This is why the first down is always the best any band your first down is always the best because They've been working at at that for eight nine years. That's the sound they've been perfecting. So yeah, that's what And I always thought somebody was going to come along and put me on tv and go Here's your special and I thought the machine would make it happen whatever it is And that never happened, you know what I mean? And that's what I love about podcasting And your help and lee's help and we got this thing out there and now I can show the world like this is what I do This is what I do It's amazing what the expectation is of people what my expectation was when I got here

What my expectation was of each movement that I made because Okay I don't know how to describe him lee's world I know how to describe in the criminal element. I know that You know, let's say you you sell coke Right, you sell coke every fucking day and you saw a certain amount I don't even know how to break this fucking down And then every once in a while you make a move you sell two kilos to somebody and you end up making 35 000

Or something like that, you know, and now what do you do with that 35 000 is the main thing Do you throw it under your fucking carpet and go out every night and buy clubs and Pick up chicks or whatever or do you buy a business to get yourself out of the predicament you're in? So you don't have to sell blow no more the same thing happens with this career I always thought that once you did something you were going to have all this shit to happen And then a wise man told me that everything in this city happens in layers Yeah, you might do this cd. It's 2013 What we use it 2014 and 2017 some guys putting together a show

Like a reality show knows and you're like, why am I in here? I bought your cd. I heard about it for a friend of mine and I've been laughing. I've taken on trips. I bought it for ten of my friends You are the funniest man in the world. You're like I made no I made no money nobody ever said nothing to me Nobody ever called me and now you're offering me 11 episodes on a reality show All right, this is what they do. I was going through a truck stop and I seen your cd and I bought it Whatever the fuck it's it layers. Yep, and you don't know when that

Investment is gonna make a dividend It but you're not gonna know unless you make the investment and you make it correctly. Yep So if you Have uh, you also on a Gabriel show. Yep two weeks ago. Okay You know Little things become big things little things are what you make them I'm sure you want an HBO special. All right, sure. But for right now Gabriel Glacius and amazing miracle He's a he's a saint watch you do a saint phone. Love you the same way

This room is falling in love with you and he put you on his tv show It's going to be viewed by a million million. Yeah, I can't thank him enough So now your decision is what you do next with this move. You just got to move land on your lap Yep, do you fucking sit at home and dance? Do you go on the fucking road? That's it. Do you now? You're gonna sell the cd. You're gonna push the cd to give you that was only a three four minute set, right? So it's amazing how things all happen come together things are coming together. Yeah, absolutely Sometimes you listen man for someone like steve bruh. I bumped into him with a sweetheart of a guy I'm gonna contact him get him on the podcast

Steve's a sweetheart of a guy things happen from we got a tv show on the air When I saw that happen, I knew that I was one step closer. Absolutely. Okay, because one of your friends are making And this is how you have to look at it for sure. I do about a month or six weeks ago You and I had a conversation on the way home. We stopped in the center 11 Yeah, you didn't feel when things were moving along and I went home that night and giggled And I did something I never fucking do because I learned a very important lesson I woke my wife up. Wow. I told her exactly what happened. Wow. I said tonight. She goes, what's the matter? You know? When I was driving steve home

He we pulled over 7-11. He was frustrated. I felt this frustration And the whole time I'm feeling his frustration. I'm laughing inside because it reminded me of somebody And steve was a gentleman about it when I used to get frustrated over a role or what wasn't happening for me Why I wasn't going to Montreal? Why why I don't have a booking agent. I have CAA. Why is nothing happening? Why is nothing happening? By the same time there was movement and I go home and yell at the cats or I call somebody don't me go fuck themselves or whatever and she'd say all this for nothing Over this if it's gonna happen, it's gonna happen. You're working hard the results will come in, you know

I'm a little saying what the fuck you talking about. What'd you get down? Good morning America? Right the more angry you get the more you try to show your love and it's amazing that and I told you it's gonna be fine Yeah, it is. I know so many people who have been here 15 years And they're still where they are When you see a man, I'm still trying to get into the comedy store. I'm putting my tape together. You know, oh god You could have jumped into an ocean Swam around the world like Diane Nayat and made a bigger name for yourself Yep, you're over here still fighting that battle and because of that it's not gonna let you grow Vinnie Kerlo

Won't fucking talk to me because a couple weeks before he showed up at the store and he kept asking me Who do I talk to to get spots? Vinnie I don't know. I just got here myself. Right Well, who would put me up tonight I don't know Talk to the people in the fucking booth. Yeah, talk to the guy. Well, I did they say I gotta get a reference Will you give me a reference? I go Vinnie. I don't know nobody here. All right, you know

I'm a fucking guest This belongs to youth I'm a guest and if I'm a guest You're a fucking stranger Because I fucking put my well, my name is on the fucking wall. Yeah, because you made a recluse. I don't know what happened All right him and mitzvah. I don't know what the fuck happened But it's amazing that he was still mad about the store. All right Like I got to talk to paul

You know and you could by this conversation You could have done 15 spots at the high Sure If you really really wanted to do comedy By all this there's always a stage all this negativity. You're not getting on stage. There's a million stages. All right, they don't give me spots there James missiles a fucking punk. He won't give me spots. What about the improv but freedom? So nobody gives you spot Right there. You're on three Maybe somebody's trying to tell you something

When you own fucking three, I was one and two I did spots at the improv at the comic store left after he didn't like me Fine, right today is a different fucking story, but 15 years ago. They don't like me. I understood it Right, you know, some people like cream in that coffee. That's it. Some people like black coffee. Not to get you. That's what I love about comedy That's just a flavor for everybody. I took my wife to that place yesterday. You recommend it. Which one? Mombo. Oh, what did you think? I gave him a nine a nine I always get so nervous when I recommend food to you. I'm talking mombo platter. What's mombo. It's a beautiful cuban restaurant 20 15 minutes on me. That's why he said throw kettle bells. What do you get? I got the mombo platter

I got the ensalada avocado, which is avocado salad with lettuce and raw onions Oh, it's been a good one on top. Jesus Christ. I didn't order no bread. No butter. Yep All right, I got the combo platter, which is fried bananas papurinas Cuban empanadas, which I forgot what the fuck they look like. Fuck all this shit you get out of here and sausage Spanish sauces with some crackers and shit opened up with that and then we got The cuban pork

Which I gave it a eight It's not what we used. It's not very traditional, but I get it right But the what what stole my soul was the The ground beef to pick allio with the white rice My wife got that it was off the fucking chain with some fried bananas. We split the fun. We went all out We split the fucking fun. I'm glad you liked it. That makes tremendous tremendous. I get way better I feel like I'm vouching for someone when I hear off you. It's scary. Yeah. I'm like, oh god What place and I'm going for the roll of X way better than that place in Burbank. Oh, wow way better. Well, uh,

It's fresh It's new you can tell that they play music. It's a family there. It's a family. Well, they're three generations They're always watching you. They come over. Oh, I didn't know that Jersey. Yeah, I talked to a kid Oh, I knew that because I started talking to one. I try to drop him pink a show He goes, how's your meal and bingo? That means it showed up with a big dick and angry God looked at me like what? That's right. Motherfuckers. You guys I put you in check the fried bananas were so good, right? That's what I loved most perfect. How do you make good fried bananas?

They're just perfect and not greasy. They're not hot They're salty, you know little sticky They're fucking delicious. It was just delicious the potato balls Were fucking fuck portos and that shit really the better than portos. Oh jesus. I'm so glad the croquettes were delicious Two croquettes. It was j davis turned me on to that the fucking Cuban food Had the meat in the middle, but the outside was corn flakes Like the way they make a chewy and chewy's in houston in austin. They make the Elvis chicken on wednesday nights. Good. Googly moogly Good googly moogly and they put fucking corn flakes on that motherfucker

Sounds delicious. Oh, I could go for a chewy sour cream and chicken enchilada right now That's the special on mondays with a swirl margarita And some chips and fucking queso like a motherfucker Holy you have no idea you'd be sweating profusiously I already am your shirt would be open your head would be on fire You'd have a napkin you'd be hitting it Like the fucking i don't even know like oh You excited bro. You look good. You have to must ask the new fucking

You look like the guy that hung out with fucking travolta and senate fee You happy now you're a pig that guy. Now you're a pig. So great. That was a fucking crazy movie. So good It's crazy. I was thinking because I've We're been working with steve for almost a year close to it And like I thought to myself a few weeks ago That basically where he is now is where you were almost When I met you And from your lips to god's ears

Maybe like maybe a few years ahead could make a little bit more touring But it was right at the beginning His fingers do and I know you were frustrated and you you signed up to be a car dealer So that's what I was doing a couple weeks ago. I was looking at jobs like what else could I do? But now it seems to be lining up And you gave me that great pep talk. You remember I wasn't happy with stuff I was recording you were like just get it out there and that's been the lesson That god the universe whatever you don't need to be perfect to be loved just get something out there

Give them a little taste and let it build it doesn't need to be perfect right out of the gates But I think you did a great job on this lee. I can't thank you enough. I'm proud of it This is the first thing I've done where I want everybody to listen to it. I want them to check it out I go this is It captured that moment it captured what it was like for a night with me headlining a club It's it's kind of not scary, but it's nerve-wracking when you're gonna show something For me when I'm showing anyone the work I did for them So I'm glad you like it and I'm glad already said he liked it

So it's uh, yeah, especially for comedians because I get asked a lot if I want to do comedy and I just I don't think I'm anywhere. It's just not for me But I've always enjoyed it. Oh, I can't do that right now um but I don't like I don't want people complain a lot about editors for specials or whatever I just I don't want I don't want to be a you can make a kid an issue You could make a killing if that's what you wanted to do. You can make a killing

You gotta know comedy to cut it. Yeah, and very few people do that comic Listen when those people ask me if I want to do a special and I have to direct it to come see me at the ice house He said to send me a tape I knew the guy wasn't real. I was done. Yeah, I was done right there because that was That's how a real guy sees it and then after he goes to see me Then he'll come over the camera tape and take it back to his office. Right And he'll see the differences But at first before you agree to sign on with me come see me you'd be crazy if you're a director

Wouldn't you and you'd say I got a horror script for you Lisa. Yeah first. So I don't know you joey Who are you? Well, uh, Steve Simone wrote he wrote the office Okay, I'm gonna sign on really Lee. You didn't even look at the fucking script. Yep So that's how I knew when this guy said to me I have plans really you have plans for all four fucking shows And thursday and the podcast on wednesday awful. You're a busy fucking guy But you're sitting here eating fucking lunch with grease on your fingers trying to shake my hand you're wiping your fucking fingers And that's how you know somebody's real somebody's not well, you go watch it perform

Yeah, and he'll say one thing to you. Listen, man If you get advice from if you bomb and you get advice from lee and you get advice from a fucking 10-year comic You're gonna get two different things and you're gonna think lee's crazy But lee's gonna tell you one thing that makes sense Because in the end of the day, he's an audience member. Yes He's an audience member. So every time I go out with lee, I wouldn't do this to anybody else. I go lee What'd you think? Yeah, and he'll tell me very honestly what he thinks. I didn't like this to this needs work This is okay. That was funny. When'd you write that? Yeah, ask me. Where'd you write that?

Why'd you write that? What made you think of that? And that right there those questions make sure he wants to know. Oh, I got that I'll put that somewhere else because you told me that you got, you know, yes, and that's what people do at any level you can't Do a $10,000 performance a $10,000 job with a $10 performance, right? You gotta it shows it shows at the end of the day And we commy rogan called the other day and he said he asked about specials when we're talking

And they said he went to a taping that the production team was shit And he goes, you could tell that the production team were like a cut Like it was the the c team Gotcha Like they had got the c team Because they didn't want to pay or something like that, you know, and you could see the see the difference the differences, you know What happened the cameras listen the cameras a camera be selling you the red dot Listen, the red camera. Yeah, the red. I got a red camera cost $32,000. We'll shoot you special with that

There's nothing nothing Everybody's got that fucking the same camera. Yeah, and I got a friend of the cost 31,000. So you got beat, bitch What's up, Lisa? Yeah, you bad motherfucker nothing What's on the plans this week? What are your plans? So your wife moved? Yeah, she's up here now. Did you go over that thing? No, no, no, I was fucking tired. What are you waiting for? She got food in the refrigerator. No, not yet. I think she had food. She's making me tacos dorado on wednesday. Nice What what a tacos dorado for the people at home there? She takes chicken and mashed potatoes on cheese, I think and rolls it up

And then she deep fries that and it's just it's a little bit of a cheat, but it's gonna be amazing calories A thousand, I don't know. How many balls do you eat? I think she gave me four last time. How many fucking hours are you gonna do the elliptical? I don't know. I did it this weekend. I was proud of myself at the at the the hotel. Yeah, I did How long did you do it for? Uh, one day I did it for 35 and one day I've did it for an hour. Oh same elliptical Oh, yeah, it is fucked up. It's different fucked up. There's a different stride Oh, it's fucked up when you go to a hotel

And at least trying listen if you try that's better. Listen, every hotel has three or four yoga mats Yeah, every hotel has dumbbells, you know, there's something you can do There's always something going you what I do when I check in is I go to I check my luggage I take a walk around the hotel, but I go look at the gym I check myself into the gym. I go see what they got and I go, okay. I make a mental note Then I go upstairs and I make some things I could do Plus I go on youtube and I have to look for like fucking stupid Exercise and there's always shit on there that you know, there's always a five foot pool

I can do a lot of damage in a five foot pool. You can run inside the pool Yeah, it's true 30 minutes of running inside a pool when you walk out of there your body's fucking vibrate You jump in a pool do 10 sets of fucking 50 jump up and down see what happens here next day You do that for fucking six weeks. See what happens to you. You slam dunking lisa. Yeah, you'll be like fucking spud web Oh my goodness, what's up dog? What are you gonna do after this? What are you gonna eat at the house? What do you got? I got nothing because I just got back So you mean to tell me you're gonna go home and sit there like fucking no, I'm gonna get something I've been thinking about it during the podcast. What are you thinking about in my heart?

I want jack in the box, but I'm gonna do that. No, you can't do that. So what are you gonna sell for either subway or Maybe try to find a place where I could get like some chicken teriyaki. You already had subway I know every Japanese person in this village is fucking shut down for the night. There's nothing they're at home praying Fucking making an instance. I was worried. I was like should I go to a different subway so they don't recognize me getting two Subs in one day Trust me. You won't be the only guy. Oh, I know you fit the fucking characteristics of guys that are planning on shooting president They eat two subway sandwiches a day and they don't talk much They fucking don't like dogs

I don't know. Fuck I was I was trying not to eat but what did you eat for lunch at this subway today pepperoni Pepperoni with white bread. No wheat bread. And what else you put on the pepperoni a little bit of shredded cheese A bunch of oregano and crushed red pepper. You said I gotta deal with That's only a little mini pizza. He's pepperoni from subway, which isn't really pepperoni It's like a turkey that nobody wants for Thanksgiving. They look at it and they go. Fuck. No It's like that that one slave and fucking We is a slave, but the other one fucking Not apocalypto. That's not

Oh my god Apocalypto, you know, not apocalypto the other one I'm a residence. What's the name of amistad? Amistad. I don't know. They would just smack If you were like a weak black guy, you shut up with glasses and shit They would just slap you and make your wife suck that dick. They were fucking terrible white people terrible What's up? I normally get boar's head pepperoni, but it's they don't have boars. No, not at subway at the grocery store At subway, that's not boys. That's turkeys. They don't want I know, but that can't Fucked up. They got eyeballs missing. They got malaria. They got colds, right?

And they look at them the face and they go this guy ain't gonna work out for him Send them to the pepperoni factory and they sliced their head off They they let the blood drip all over the feathers And they throw it to a fucking grinder And they look at it and it looks orange with blood on it. They're gonna fill her in Put some red chili put some fucking spicy Get the italian to help you out and they spice that motherfucker They put food coloring they spray paint it and then you walk in and get a fucking pepperoni sandwich

You're fucked. Do you know what I'm saying? You're the wheel of confusion. You're just adding What are you laughing at? It's better than the the new like fritos pizza or listen to you Not your cheese sauce. That's why I love you to death. You don't need that Little fucking Hitler and the other one you were eating a cheese stick You were sitting at home rubbing yourself with those cinnamon sticks cocksuckers from where my sources some little teasers My sources they have cinnamon sticks. Whatever the fuck you were getting some sticks. Look at him. You know Taco Bell has good cinnamon stuff like the love punches. No shit. Yeah, those are good. I bet you were the first one online I love not one. Yeah

Fuck yeah, well white shoes are no proud of yourself Taco Bell ain't bad dog Late night those uh The soft tacos weren't bad the hard tacos weren't bad the hard tacos off the chain or the one Best taco best taco out there fat man alert fat man alert Best taco out there if you want to die of a heart attack At 52 is the big taco from jack in the box. They ain't fucking around jack Oh, those are so bad because they deep fry them. Oh, they deep fry them. They're leaking. They put american cheese in it

Oh, yeah, and you eat that before you get the the goods Like you might as well get that in a double order of the fucking fish and chips God knows what you're eating. You're eating frog and Malukia fish and fucking smelts It's the feast of 19 fishes You're eating fucking everything seashells and shit Seahorses and manta rays and What's those things that jump out of water manta rays? I don't fucking know. I don't know. What am I?

Anyway, what's up with you Lee? Everything all right? You got plans for a weekend? What do you got crack or lack? I got nothing. Come on. I don't know It's a big fucking night tonight, man. I'm very proud of Steve Salam 14 years out here 10 years busting it Put it together finally. He'd been procrastinating for like two and a half years of home sitting there looking at pictures of fucking richard prior crying Taking about fat James. Did you put them in the cover? Did you mention them cocksucker? I haven't got the hard ones printed up, but he'll get a shout out. He's got a birthday coming out

Show a little picture of fat James wiping his feet when he got home with a sandwich and one hand picking his toenail with the other Wait, are you gonna mention him as fat James? That was his name. That was his name. What do you want to call? Everybody knows his name Gustavo James James The fuck you want you don't want to call nobody by that fucking slave name I don't want to call you whatever your real name is lee fucking whatever sciat I'm gonna call you the flying jew that's your street name But don't give a fuck. Fat James is a fucked up street name. Well, that's what happens. They couldn't call him skinny James It just wouldn't fit. You know what I'm saying? It was him. It was fat James and James painter never go

Which James and people start going, you know, you know fat James. Oh, and that's how I got it Fuck fat James is a good man. God bless. Big heart big heart You had a little whiff of like fucking romano cheese when you hug them poor guy When you got close to his neck, you always got hungry When you hugged him, you're like, man, why am I hungry and shit? That motherfucker was allergic to water He's probably up there laughing right now. Fuck you joey That was that one time I did 400 push-ups and you came to the store and hugged me. That's why I swear

That one time I was booting from the 60-yard line Steve Simone and she listened people. Let me tell you let me tell you the breakdown here We canceled somebody tonight check. I have Steve Simone tonight and I'll tell you why Out of all these fucking muts that are around me in hollywood and all these fucking strutses that Claimed to do this this guy worked and he suffers and he works hard and every penny he puts away and he visits his family And he brings back gifts from my daughter and people around him this family He goes to this church and he fucking hangs out with nuns and smoke cigarettes And they tell him names and he gives them names. They're in the cia and he gives them names

They pray for those names There's a lot of people out there you people buy into all their bullshit and they got no hard for nobody This guy would pull over if there was a pigeon in the middle of the street where there's a wing fucked up He'd stop traffic. So you guys spend your money on all this shit. First of all, this guy's a tremendous comedian And he's coming up heavy fucking duty and you guys what are you gonna do? Give this fucking cd. What's the name of this fucking thing? Remember this remember this remember this right now Don't fuck with me because I'm gonna be tweeting at the next 24 fucking hours. I'm giving out gifts I'm give I found the block of old cocaine. It's got water on it

It still works if you're creative I'll send out little pieces like the Berlin wall You need to get some fucked up emails this week now I don't give a fuck. I'll send it out if you fucking make this album number one I will send the fucking Coke rock right the house what you do with it That's up to you. You understand me. I'm wiping my hands. I don't want no drum. You getting the mailbox who sent it to you I don't know there's not gonna be a fingerprint on there nothing

It's gonna come unmarked make a cable company in Bulgaria Just nod sign it and run upstairs. Who gives a fuck I'll put the link in the description What link I want the cd. Yeah, take care of the fucking guy. All right. This is a cd you need to get Thank you It's just a status thing. We need to prove to the church. We need to let these motherfuckers know we're coming from We're all fucking the freak party 2015

We patched over the other old names and nemesis and all that shit. So we're ready to rock you people What do you want from me? Thank you. That was beautiful. You're a good dude, man And all these people put out shit and people there's the cd you need to get I'm gonna get 200 fucking copies alone And give them out the blind kids Remember this cocksucker Remember me Lee Where you taking mama this week? I don't know. Oh, I shouldn't tell you this

I'll fuck it. So, you know the place where we took the crepe class. Yeah, she signed us up for a steak cooking class We're just gonna be fucking cool. That's cool duck fat potatoes. Oh a little salad some steak What is that? I don't know. I'm excited though. All right. Let me know so I can flatten your thighs So I could stick a fucking grenade in your fucking Anti-freeze wire No, I want you to cook a steak. Well, don't forget to bring one for poppy Oh the last time I brought you crepes. You yelled at me. I ate one and gave you the other one You brought me some fruit crepe. I brought plain and ham and cheese the ham and cheese is delicious

The cheese is melted, but the other one plain. I don't know. It's like give me a plain piece of bread I ate the burger, but I brought you two buns. I may have a pickle on the floor in the car You're fucking Oh my god, I love these monday night podcasts. It brings up the best of me. I love it The live ones out. Yeah, let's do it. Listen. Where are you at this week, Steve? Reno Reno at what club? It's called like the Reno Tahoe comedy club at the underground. Yeah, it's for great guy Are you headlining? Yeah, great fucking club. If you're in Reno in the bay area, let me tell you who's up there He's up there. I'm in san francisco. Felipe is at rooster tea feathers eating fucking

Uh Teresa, oh my god I'm gonna get fucking pissed all over. It's like going to cvs to get a prescription Every time I think of Felipe's vegan. She's like on a cvs. You got a fucking prescription. I just get agitated I walk and I need a blood pressure medication I'm sorry. I went off in that tangent on fucking Felipe's vegan ways But the bay area is hot. I'm at the fucking punch line downtown san francisco having a great time Thursday, friday saturday my main man fucking

Steve somone Is at the reno underground my man wane friday and saturday one show friday to one saturday exactly tremendous club Downstairs real cool real hip wanes a bad motherfucker. They got food I think a chinese guy delivers on a bicycle. You get the food till like 20 minutes later deliver right to your table with a band-aid What's better than that? Who's better than fucking you? Where you at this weekend? We had a steak cooking. Where you at? No, I don't know. That's not for a while I don't have plans. I even do not have plans. You always got fucking plans. I don't know. I haven't seen paul in a while

What do you plan on doing? You know bring over to the cars and show who the boss is Always, you know, I may lend you my cape. I would that'd be kind of cool. Would you make love to her with a cape? Hey It's one of these to make love to her. I don't know. I don't think she'd let me Yes, she would what what is this thing which she lets me What is the fucking look? It's gets a little iffy if you don't really care about letting fuck somebody with a cape All right, you let them settle say what do you need? Let them settle you said let's make some love

You're gonna hold on i'm thirsty It's like eight minutes no more no less eight minutes You come back with that fucking cape and just dance Even if there's no music imagine in your head Just tickets whatever like lat music or like what kind of whatever whatever she's mexican. Yeah, but i'm some mexican music But i'm santana Santana black magic woman. How would you dance a black magic woman? Will the cape on yeah, would you dance imagine make a lot of hips?

Yeah, so you come in your hip purr and shit and you'd stick your hand in between both knees All right, and just flip her Just flip that leg over trust me if you need it step up on her and lock her one knee with your knees I don't know if this is jiu-jitsu or sex now. This is sex. This is fucking sex And once she sees the cape before she even says something If you give them a chance to speak they fucked up Don't even give them a chance just come right and put santana on And go right for it and then boom you pick up the legs split it and your dick is already out

You you're naked with the cape on there's no under clothes on it's just a cape You go out there and you rub that little monkey with your little juhama and they just pop that motherfucker in like a savage or See she's listening. She knows She knows who's gonna lay some fucking pipe out of the old school way with a cape on and shit Your buddy ryan actually just texted me. He says it's number two already get out of here There's what i'm talking about guys. Congratulations. Wow. Steve Simone number two on itunes Holy shit when a couple more people reaching out if you're live do me the favor on a personal tip

I love you motherfuckers. Thank you very much. What were you saying? I think why are we going we ain't no no you're no you're you're telling me how to fuck with a cape Yes, so now you rub your little helmet and right there when she don't know what's going on She's gonna say you take the care and as she's saying take the cable You're just gonna drop And the capes on the rise like parachute and that's the beauty of it. So you have no pyrotechnics We don't have that in the budget right now But as you drop and you could throw those little firecrackers you got his kids

The little poppers the white ones so as you drop you throw poppers The cape pops up and you're writing a little monk walk Just licking that fucking thing Right in there you get deep in that fucking clip when it swells you're swallowing You ever have that fucking thing swelling in your mouth? Yeah, and your tongue and you can taste piss and other variable things, but you don't give a fuck You're deep you taste like all this shit, but you don't give a fuck You just lick right through it till you get that skin and you can feel that click

Just swelling in your mouth and it starts to give you that like little juice and you're sucking that motherfucker You ain't even finger banging yet Steve this is a lot of this is on the cd, right? Because I always imagine the camera pulls back and it's a group of 10 year old kids That's your show. Oh my god make room for uncle joey. Just suck that a little pussy with your lips make those little noises And you tuck that lip and she's fucking dying you don't even have a finger yet and her ass nothing You're picking her ass up And you're threatening her asshole with the pinkies, but you're threatening. You're just maneuvering the pinky just to give a

Side i'm telling you this is getting me fucking all hot brother I don't know about you fuckers, but the kid you have to wear the cape to do that This is the cape the whole time Okay, and right when she's ready to pop boom you pop up slip that helmet in there And take it to the next level like a soldier that you are at least say it And by the time she gets off you know what she's gonna say to you I like to hear what got into you and you're gonna go it's the fucking cape That's how real pimps roll

I gotta tell you everything and start to get pissed off. I'm sorry. I take this through. I have the fucking nothing No, I'm gonna stare at it for 24 hours. It looks fucking delicious. You know what people? You know me on it optimization. You want to be the best at what you do? You want your mind to be sharp it all starts with alpha brain plain the fucking simple We could sit here and go back and forth for weeks Alpha brain is where the fuck it starts you want focus you want energy you want to think more clearer You want to look at people and look right fucking through them and know this guy's a fucking jerk off Alpha brain and they got a money back guarantee

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Go to the on it box or go to joeydears.net and then you click on the on it label Go to the on it and you press in church CH you are ch get 10% off and do yourself a favor. Just stay on this stay on the program They deliver it right to your house every month. You don't gotta leave. You don't text nobody You just fucking tell them one time send it every month ship that shit It gets all taken out of your credit card. You don't have to do dick right there You make your protein smoothie in the morning. You do backflips. What the fuck you do on it's there for you Go to joeydears.net order a t-shirt. Look at my tour dates. What the fuck it is that you do go to the on it box and press in

Yo, zombo CH you are ch and get 10% off Number two my favorite people in the world. If you've been watching you've been hitting me You know, I'm hitting this fucking hitty six cigar right there. This is what pimp smoke We ain't fucking around no more hitty six don't stop there either You're thinking about smoke quitting smoking january's coming. What are you gonna give up? What have you fucking done? What the fuck have you done? John Leonard on the 20 you don't hear fucking that song. You don't hear where this is christmas

Do you ever hear where this christmas? No, you don't hear it to the 20th Once you hear where this is christmas. You're done if you haven't done dick that year You feel like fucking shit because every year John Leonard comes on on the 20th of december. He asks you so this is christmas What the fuck have you done you miserable fuck? You know what you're gonna do you're gonna quit smoking this year That's what you're gonna do. You're gonna quit smoking cigarettes. You know how you're gonna do it You're gonna go to hitty six dot com You gotta pick a cigarette 24 milligrams. It goes on to 16. It goes down to eight then to zero You'll be off those fucking cancer sticks. You'll be smoking vapor living like a doctor. You have more endurance your dick will work

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You think one of those things you buy over the count at 711 from those fucking terrorists give you 1200 fucking pumps Fuck no Go to hitty six dot com and get 20 off right now. Go to joey's dot net Go to hitty six dot com. What are you putting the box joey's church and get 20 off You don't think you've changed that one since we've had them. Have you know, that's fucking tremendous I think I got like two that I move around a little bit. You know what I'm saying? I'm gonna let the fucking hooker smoke this one to one night. So god knows what's in the holes She might have fucking college in the summer

All fucking old man's pubic Ah Well, you never had a pubic in your mouth. I don't know man's What's the difference between you and some old man's pubic air falls out the chick eats it What the fuck you see what happens tonight when you get stoned the show goes to fucking dead Steve Simone out of all the people I don't wish this to I wish you all the luck in the world with this Thank you, joey. I taped your stand-up evolution. I haven't watched it I was gonna try to watch it play where the baby was going

Just to tell you what I really thought but I know what I I'm gonna think it was fucking sensational Are you happy with it? I was I'm gonna be happy when Gabe's gonna tweet out the unedited version So I was just happy to be on there. What's the difference in time? They took 10 minutes and cut it down to five. What do you expect? That's it. Yeah, they did the best they could do And I got like use a storyteller. Yeah, so they cut out. You know, yeah, it hurts. Yeah, I did one bit for We learned a valuable lesson. That's the most important thing Absolutely, and if you got on calmly central one time, you'll get on HBO the next

What's hope the type of motherfucker you are, you know, that's how that's how we do it here We look for the next fucking step fuck behind or what happened or what didn't happen It's what the fuck you got to do tomorrow Yeah, what the fuck you got to do tomorrow. What the fuck have you done? You flew back today. I'll give you kudos and you made it tonight. Oh, yeah That's because I love you Lisa. Yeah, we don't fuck around. We take it to the next level I'm the church will tap and now It's like I told you this week. I'll be at the punchline

Next week. I'll be a hilly in Portland the week after that. I'll be a fucking helium Philly. Oh, that's great my main man And I'm gonna bring him a little fucking present from the bakery some Italian cookies maybe some fucking Philly cheesecake one of the fuck they got cheese steak Cheesecake cheese steak. What are you Johnny menus all of a sudden? What the fuck all of a sudden you want to interact here cuck suck. I nobody asked you to fucking correct me Johnny menu Johnny menu It was Johnny menu. I love you guys stay black. Have a great fucking Tuesday

Don't forget to tell your friends to stay black too and go fuck themselves I love you guys. Have a great night. Steve throwing my kiss. Where you at? Thank you, Joey Reno this week the album. Remember this. I love you Joey. I love you too. Thank you What about you fucko? What's up, buddy? How you doing my main man? I'm good. You gonna be all right time Yeah, I'm gonna go home. Shit. Yeah, you're tough as fucking nails Well, I tell you it was 10 milligrams. It was not 10 milligrams at least really credit I've earned maybe Maybe maybe maybe 12 But I still love your sandwich. I love you too, buddy. God damn it. All right. Stay black. Okay. I forgot something

Okay Now the show's over. Uh, don't forget just go sign up at on it.com. They have the Uh, stay on it program where they send it straight to your house use codeword church to get 10% off If you go and also go to hit e6.com. That's hit e6.com Better tasting longer lasting the proof is in the vape. They have e-cigarettes and cigars Use codeword joey's church to get 20% off Oh

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