Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #228 - Joey Diaz, Greg Fitzsimmons and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: November 6, 2014

Greg Fitzsimmons, Comedian and Host of Fitzdog Radio joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Nature Box. Visit Naturebox.com and use promo code Joey for a free trial box Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by mentioning the Church. Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/joey for 20% off. Recorded live on 11/05/2014. Music: Santana - Black Magic Woman Aerosmith - Nobody's Fault

This show is sponsored by NatureBox. NatureBox ships great tasting healthy snacks right to your door. Forget the vending machine and start snacking smarter with healthy delicious treats like dark cocoa almonds. Support this podcast by ordering a free NatureBox sampler box at naturebox.com slash joey. That's right, totally free NatureBox snacks are found at naturebox.com slash joey. This show is also sponsored by onit.com. Use code word church to get 10% off any of their great products, alpha brain, new mood, shroom tech, immune, shroom tech, sport, anything like that. Use code word church to get 10% off. This show is also sponsored by meundies.com. Go there and check out the picks of all the different styles of underwear they have

and for girls, they have hot looking boy shorts. Right now, go to meundies.com slash joey and you're going to get 20% off of your first order. That's 20% off of your first order. And right now they get free shipping in the United States and Canada. And for the premier vapor pen on the market for all the oil and wax smokers out there, go to nailed it life.com. That's nailed it life.com. Use code word joey D is to get 20% off. Oh, shit. That's all I could say is oh, motherfucking shit. It's a Wednesday night special edition church of what's happened now. Kick that motherfucking least I had. This is Carlos in the early days

and shit doing heroin hanging out with the fucking cartel before there was even a cartel. Pack that fucking bong to get dancing with the stars. We ain't got time for that shit tonight. Greg Fitzsimons is here ready to sling dick and break your fucking heart. Are you kidding me or what? Break out the fucking syringe. It's over. You've been hiding. You've been going AA meetings. Fuck it. Bust it out. Go see Flocko on the corner. He's got a $7 bag each. You just sit there and listen to this fucking shit. What's up, you bad motherfuckers? Welcome to the Wednesday night edition of the church, Greg Fitzsimons, my main man and fucking co-host, Lisa Yat. Hello. What's up, dog?

Nothing. You and I both had a rough day yesterday. Listen, my day was so fucking rough yesterday because I didn't even know it. I went home that night. First off, when the podcast ended, I was so fucked up. I was just talking to Steve Simone and I was nodding out right here. I'm like, I can't make it home. I went home. My wife was talking shit about something they care. I just looked at them. I said, I'm going to bed. She's like, what? You just walked in. I'm going right to bed. I went right to bed. I got anxiety. I was just telling you guys, I got anxiety in my fucking sleep. Like I got up and just sat there, pulled the sleep app in your mask off. I didn't know what to do. Finally, after the third time,

my wife got up and we talked. She's like, what's the matter? Breathe through it. Next day, I woke up. I was still fucking dragging ass. And when I got to the acupuncturist, she said something to me. She goes, you're not yourself. What's going on? I don't know. She started sticking needles in me and shit. And then she goes, what did you take last night? It's still in your system. And I go, well, get this motherfucker out. And she fucking went down to my calf and she picked the tender spot and shoved that little needle in there. And I put my head down. She cut me. There was smokes in the cup and shit. I was like, fucking Eddie Munster. I had smoke still coming out of me the next day. And I felt great after

I just drank a bunch of water the rest of the day. And I felt great last night. I went to the comedy store, but I will never eat those fucking fuck that shit. Yes, you will. You told me, you told me that we weren't going to do it tonight. And I got here like, well, we're not going deeply. No, we switched chi but you. We're going to be like a dick ass tonight. We didn't do dick. Greg Fitzsimmons. Wait, you, this all happened last night? Monday night. I got, we got fucked up. They made some special Halloween. Edibles for us and me and him inhaled them. It was an edible that had the devil's face on it. The devil's face on it. Oh, what? Is it a shop you go to? Yeah. Yeah. It's good shit. Special Halloween stuff. Oh, we got fucking

plastered. I went home. I was telling you I had anxiety in my sleep, which I never really had before. Like I had to get up and think about what was going on. It's tough at night because you can't go out in the street. You can't just go out to a coffee shop. You can't go see a movie. You're fucking trapped in the darkness and no life forms are around you. They're all slumbering. It's just you. Thank God you got a wife. Well, she always wakes up when I get up. I mean, you know, as soon as I get up, she gets up like, what's the problem? You know? And then you're up for the day? No, some nights I get up for the night. But that night, particularly, I was so high I would go back to sleep. Like I would get up, get my composure, and then put the

sleep apnea mask on and go right back to sleep. Then a half hour later, get up again, get my composure. So what you really need is a sleep apnea mask that's also a bong so that you can feed it. Something like that to fucking people. Stay level. Yeah, it was just... Was it like weed anxiety? Because I got anxiety driving. I saw a cop and I was sure he was going to pull me over. So I pulled the U-turn and I went all the way home. I was going to stop at a restaurant. I was like, I can't do it. No, I don't get that type of anxiety no more. I was getting anxiety. About two years ago, I would take edibles and go to kickboxing class. And once I would run out of oxygen, oh my God, I would become so sensitive. Like I would hear people going up and all this shit, but I would

hear it like an echo. And oh, it was fucking. I would have to step outside the gym and just listen to quiet and have to go back in. I think that's what... There's a lot of things I respect about you, but I think one of the main things is how you're able to push these side effects to the side and continue being the rampant deviant that you are. You have to. You fucking have. The only drug I couldn't push to the side was blow. Like once I did blow, I was done for the night. There was no... I'll see you in two hours. Like it just affected me. Like I would disappear from Rogan. Yeah. Like he's a great guy. And Joe really cared for me. Like the fact that he's still my friend after all these years because at the end of the day, Joe don't really like alcohol and drugs.

Yeah. You got to watch it around him with him. I've told people a thousand times, watch it because Joe is cool, but the next day I'll get a call. How you drink 19 beers and you have a problem. He'll count your fucking beers because he's, you know, it's just he does. He's not from that world. So for years... Now he didn't even get high until I mean, he was probably in his late 20s before he started. Yeah, he's not from that world. He doesn't know much. He'll drink a Heineken or two. Yeah. One night he got really drunk in Vegas. They sent him a bunch of shots. And that's the night I saw that, you know, he's a sweetheart of a guy. That happened later on in life when he started getting high. Right. So, but you have to, you know, he watches you because

he cares about you in a way. Like you'll meet and go, oh, he's a nice guy, but fuck that guy could tip him back or whatever. But he, the test drugs, he did test cocaine. Yeah. And I would do a show with him. I would open for him and I'd already have it in my pocket. I'd have it in the top pocket or it was already in the hotel room. Yeah. So when I got off that stage, there was no good nights. There was no sea in 15 minutes. You had an agenda. It was over. The phone got shut off. I locked the fucking door and nobody was coming in. I already had beers upstairs, two beers maybe, and I'd already had weed and I had everything I needed for the night in this hotel room. And you stay in there alone and do blah, all fucking night. Who the fuck sits alone and does

blow? I've never heard of that in my life. You know, it's, it's the type of drug that it gets, when you start it, when you first do blow, yeah, Lee, come over. Craig's going over, Greg's going over, we're going to get high and, you know, if I can go to a bar and pick up chicks and talk to people, you get chatty. But then the drug through time becomes something else. Now, when the package is gone, the package is gone. When I first started doing coke, once the last line was gone, it's gone, let's go do something else. Then it started, we got to call the guy. Let's call this motherfucker and get another one. And then you start getting coke and leaving some at the house for later on when you come back.

You know, I'll just have a beer and do a couple of lines by myself. Yeah. And then it gets to the point where it just flipped on me. I couldn't be around people no more. Like after 12 or 13 years of doing coke, the script flipped on me. And I was always more comfortable being by my, I think since 90, 94, when I got out of the prison, the halfway house and all that stuff and I started doing, I was doing it always by myself. A chick would not come in that door unless I already shook her down. Joe, what do you mean by that? What I mean by that is this girl, I'm bringing into my fucking cubicle of death is not coming in on a maybe. She's going to suck

my dick. She's going home in those days. Right. Right. There was no, she's got a role to play. Yeah. There was no, we're not going to assign duties once we get inside. There was no playing. Once I get in, first thing I'm going to do is set out a line and make you take your panties off and suck my dick. So I know what time it is. There's no fucking around. There's, you think I'm done. You think I'm fucking crazy. You think I'm crazy. First thing I do when a girl comes over in those days is I'd say, she pee. Oh my God, it's great to be. I put the heater on and I go, hold on, I'm cutting the line. Let's see what you got into that fucking skirt. And I either eat that monkey just to get out of the way. Why are we going to sit here for three hours with this monkey in the

way? Because the whole time you're thinking about how I'm going to fuck up, what positions, looking her thighs. Let's get that shit out of the way. How often would it work? Every fucking time. Really? No, no, no. Because before, listen to me, before she came through the door, she was already qualified. Like she was already asked, shaken down. Like if you understand, I'm going to do more blow. I'll come back with you. Let me tell you something. I don't fuck around. You're a savage, right? Yeah. What do you mean? What I mean is we're going to do a couple lines. I'm putting you to work and they would look at me and go, you're fucking crazy. Or yeah, I know. What do you mean by what? I'm giving you drugs. I'm turning you out. And then I would say it right

now. Right. I'm going to eat your asshole. And they would just look at me because we're not going to fuck around. We're not going to make out. I don't make out. What am I, 10? I don't make nothing with nobody. I want to eat that ass. I want my dick sucked. I want you to play with your pussy. I want to do all creepy shit. You know what I'm saying? Play with your pussy. Let me watch you while I whack off and put a coke rock in your ass. This is nothing about love. There's nothing flip over. You know, this is fucking nothing. This was fucking crazy. And it worked all the time. And then you cuddle, eat her asshole, and then fell out in the morning. Once the blow is done, you have no idea. But then, but what I don't understand is the alone thing. Like

what do you do? Like if I finish a gig on a Friday night and I go back to the hotel room and I have a couple puffs, watch Netflix, maybe I beat off. I'm going to sleep by 3 a.m. What do you do when you're doing coke alone in a hotel room? What activities transpire? It is a horrible in hindsight. Thinking about it now is one of the worst things I would do. You know, if you see my face, I have pics on my face. I would just sit there with the blow and look for shit. Pick veins in there. Really? Because I hated myself or I hated the situation I was in. So I would go home at night. All right, let's say I had a gram of coke, gram and a half. Because I was, I would go for broke. Fuck, a half gram. I'd do,

I'd open up with a half gram, a gram. Okay, after a comedy show on the road, sure. The first show at a comedy club, I'm trying to pick up a waitress or somebody at the show. Like because they're looking at me going, oh yeah, because right on stage, I'm going to talk about doing blow. So when I get off stage during the first show, somebody's going to say something to me, or something's going to go somewhere. It's going to go somewhere. Oh, you do blow, something. Or the second show. The second show for sure. More likely to have a coke at the play chest. Well, there's going to be people at the bar and some girls are going to come over and go, I have a blast. Next thing you do in a blast, they got a mini skirt and you're talking to them and

this chick's a fucking savage. You know, she didn't go out with a mini skirt on a Friday night. Because she's going to church on Sunday. She's not hanging out with the guy with the sniffles. Fake kid with the shirt going down her sleeve. Once they start drinking, it's one o'clock, you know what time it is. Then they'll say to you, what are you going to do after? Then I'm going to go back to the hotel room. Do you want to come to my play? Go right there. Right there. You're like, listen, I got this guy, he'll bring an eight ball, I'm going to understand one thing. If I come back to the house, I'm putting a coke rock in your asshole and I'm meeting you and they'll look at you like, okay, or oh my God, you just got me hot or no, I have a

husband or I have a boyfriend. I mean, it's crazy. But here's the other side of the question. Here's the other side that happened that I never felt good about. There was a lot of people I brought home that were in relationships, that were in marriages, you know, that they were just as much of a junkie as you were. When you're a junkie, you tolerate shit. I know 20 situations where I brought people home. I didn't know. And they didn't know me. And next thing you know, you're 69 in the living room, opening up their asshole. And it's fucking crazy. And you wake up the next one like, what the fuck just happened? You know, I was thinking about El Paso, Texas. You ever go to El Paso, Texas? What region? Years ago, that was a week of hell. But you were

going to get your dick sucked. Like, listen, if you didn't get your dick sucked in El Paso, you're not going to get your dick sucked ever. It was that easy. Because the condo was there for so long that women would come by at night. Hi, anybody partying here? Come on. Just like that. Just like that. Yeah. Plus the women were army chicks or something, like there was barracks around there. And you don't know how many times I went home with a girl doing blow, open their ass up, you know, squirting a fucking face. I mean, just disgusting things. And two nights later, she's coming back to the show and introducing you to her husband. And you're like, what the fuck is this? And you notice she's got a crew cut and an army

uniform. Yeah. And you're like, you know, and he's a fucking MP or something. Yeah. And it's really sad what happens to people. I mean, comedy store comics have a thousand stories about going to the bathroom with a girl being on a date and getting up and next thing she sucks your dick and she sits back at the table with a date. Oh my God, there's a thousand of those things. Well, that's the thing about easy pussy is there's a reason why it's easy. Usually, like when I think back to high school, there was always that girl like, in my high school is this girl, Linda. And, you know, she had a reputation, you know, she was easy. You could have sex with Linda. Those chicks never fucked me. Well, all the

chicks with the reputations, they would eat ass and suck dick. Right. Never sucked my dick. One, I finally got one, like after high school, right? So fucking blow job expert. But then you look back and you realize like, like I see now with hindsight, oh yeah, she had a single mom. Her dad was probably fucking finger blasted before he got kicked to the curb. There's a reason why she was sucking everybody's dick. She had a horrible childhood. Or you're talking about these girls that'll come back and blow you there. They're drug addicts or they, you know, there's always something wrong. It's very rarely a, you know, a self actualized woman that's going to come over your motel room and let you stick your tongue in her ass the first night. She hasn't even wiped.

She has, you haven't even asked her. Do you ask? I mean, do you take, put the ass in the sink and give it a little rinse before you go to town? Oh, they have to take a shower. Oh, they do. Yeah, I don't just dirty ass from the bar. I don't know what the fuck you've been sitting on and shit. You got a toilet taking a shit and not wiping your ass. No, no, no, no. First thing I do is that we swap a little spin, maybe not even that. Just going to shower together. And you wash your ass or you watch her and you say you watch whatever I watched that as, you know, man, I'll take that Irish spring, I'll shove it right up that fucking monkey and pop that, I'll punch her in the stomach and pop it back out. Fucking baby. I don't give a fuck, Jack. But I don't really like

punch her in the stomach. Yeah, you pop the soap in and you punch the soap pops back out. These are jokes, folks. Nobody punches nobody in the fucking stomach. We're just having a good time on a Wednesday night. But it's, you know, I was telling Lee two weeks ago, I went to Miami. And as I'm walking the second show Friday night, a girl makes sure she comes to the thing. She's sitting at the table right where I was walking up. And this girl turns around and comes right to the thing and grabs me and she looks at me and I look at her and she kind of looks familiar, but not really. I look at her and she goes, hi, meet my husband. And she goes, Joey and I were friends years ago. We went out for a drink one night after a comedy show and she looked at me

and winked. And I looked at it and it was like, I felt like somebody in the devil's advocate. Yeah. Movie when he, whenever the chick would, what's the name, Charlize Theron would talk to they turn into a devil and she'd go, that was me that night when I saw. And I remember the night where this chick took me home with the chubby chick. This chick was banging fake tits. She said, she dated the aunt of David Lee Roth. She had pictures of David Lee Roth. I mean, the bitch was hot and went back to the house. I had dead dick. I couldn't come. I couldn't, my dick was small. It was embarrassing. But then I never forget that these two girls in front of me, I'm sitting there watching Conan O'Brien make him believe, like, I'm not even seeing this at this point. That's the other

thing. At that point, when I would do Coke, pussy would be second. I was like those mice in the fucking cage. Yeah. That, you know, they're trying to feed them. They're trying to give them like fucking cheeseburger and, and, and fingers and shit. But they rather snort the coke. That was me. And I remember them two chicks had a big black dildo, like a big black with two heads on it. And one would fuck the one side and one would fuck the, and they're doing this in front of me, moaning, banging this thing. And I'm just sitting there watching Conan O'Brien like they're not even in the fucking room. Yeah. And then it just turned into a nightmare. The chubby chick wanted me to fuck. I had dead dick. I tried to whack off. I ended up eating the fucking good looking one,

the chubby chick left. The good looking one had a period. It was just a night from hell. But then the me and the good looking one hooked up the rest of the week. And then on Sunday, she goes, there's something I gotta tell you. I'm getting married in two weeks. So today, when you go home, don't ever call my number again. And it was fucking traumatizing. I wasn't in love with it, but I couldn't believe that. You know, I'm a Catholic. I couldn't believe this chick was fucking gonna get married. Yeah. And we're fucking, did you feel like you should maybe do her husband a favor and go tell him that he's about to step in shit? Fuck no. He probably knew because he had to know. He was some type of weatherman. So he got up early. So he had a deal. They wouldn't see each

other during the week. Yeah. So she was out. She had a father on like some Audi import dealership or something. This girl had a Mercedes and Audi. She lived in the top floor of a building. She had Coke. She had a rack with just Dom Perignon bottles and the fucking rack. She was spoiled rich. You know, she was spoiled rotten. So she would just go out every night and do blow. I remember she paid for the blow that night. This was a high profile train. This is, yeah, but it's weird how I sit back and go, I'm not even a good looking guy. I had no money that night. I was a feature act. I was probably making $550 a week. 300 went to a plane ticket. Yeah. 201 to a plane ticket. You know, I didn't give you a plane ticket back then as a feature. I had no money. I had no Mercedes.

I had no clothes. I was just living on the road week to week. And this girl took me home and for a week went to eat at all the fine restaurants. She picked up every fucking time and she was younger than I was. She was maybe, if I was 35 maybe, she was probably 27. Yeah. You know, it was embarrassing. What town was this? This is Miami. The only town shit like that happens. Yeah. You know, what happens other places, but it's just amazing that you could be, I, when I left New Jersey, I was a criminal, but I wasn't a sex deviant. So I didn't know about all these sex things. Like I really didn't know. I thought people just fucked and they asked and I find out people get tied up and they put balls in their mouths and, you know, whip them and throw darts

at them. I didn't know that. That girl I dated one day said to me, I don't know if you know this, the guy who, a guy put me through college and I'm like, what are you talking about? And she goes, I used to have a sugar daddy for six years. He still sends me months. Six years. He put her through school. Damn. And he would put her to school, pay her bills, college, everything. And once a week she'd have to come over there and just go fucking off on his dick. He would bring other hookers over and his whole thing was to see her eat another hooker and him would jerk off on her back. I mean, and she would tell me these stories and my head would want to fuck. My soul would want to cry. I'd never been involved in nothing like that. I didn't have two

on one. I did one threesome. I think I'd be too embarrassed to do a fucking threesome. What about you? Would you ever do a threesome with a dirty bitch? No, but like, I can imagine how a good looking girl would do that if a guy offered you to pay, especially now when college is going to cost you 200 grand, not on top of rent. Oh, no, I got a buddy who's, he's got a lot of million, you know, billionaire friends and they've all got chicks set up in one of Miami, one in New York, one in LA and they come to town and they buy them an apartment, they release them a car, they throw them some money every month and they come to town and it's like they drop whatever they're doing. That's the deal. Your mind for that week could be two weeks and then I may not see you again for

six months, but for that time you're going to be my dirty dog and you're going to walk, not only that, you're going to walk in a restaurant. The money I gave you means you got some decent clothes to wear so that I can show up with you and that's their deal. That's the deal. And it goes on, like you said, six years, you know, he says these things going for 10 years, women that are consistently living a life where they build into it that they're a prostitute for a little bit of time and the rest of the time, they are, they're going to college where they're, that's her right there. You got a neighbor? I don't know. We never do them at this time. So yeah, in the rest of time they're married or maybe they've got a startup business they're trying to get going, but if this guy's good for

you know 50 grand a year and taking care of all their expenses, they're like, well, you know, I think it's everybody's got a relationship to their body, you know, like women either feel protective of their body and it's like their soul and their body are one or it's like my body is this thing that I don't really care about it. If a guy wants to get something from it, he can and I'll gladly take money for it. And like porn stars, like they don't have any attachment to their bodies. They can let the things happen to their bodies and it doesn't affect them. So then you get the Irish girls who you just look at them and they got to go confess. I'm an Irish girl type of guy. Yeah. Since day one. I ended up with an Irish girl. I got an Irish daughter. Right. I love

Irish girls. That's my old-time fucking favorite. I got an Irish one. Well, mine's half Irish, half Jewish. I love it. Oh, there you go, Lee. Yeah, the steak in this. I never did it. I can't date, I mean, I'm surprised you did it in Irish woman because I can't date Jews because you're full Irish. 100%. It just, it's too much. It reminds me too much of my mother. Yeah. So I just can't. I mean, is that why you didn't date a, like when I started dating a Hispanic girl, you told me like right off like they're crazy. Like I won't even do it. They're crazy. But I'm crazy. That's why it didn't work for me. Yeah. A Hispanic girl for it to really work. Like I see a lot of Jews go for Hispanic chicks. And I see when a white guy dates a Hispanic chick, it tames them, it balances them

off. Yeah. When you have two fire people, it doesn't work. All right. I went through that one time with a Spanish girl and that was two Spanish girls, one for about a year and one for like eight months. And it was horrible. I was always in an argument. I was always tensed up when I walked in the door. I don't want to be tensed up. I don't want to be tensed up at all when I walk in my house. So yeah, no, I think the Irish and Jews have a great thing going, you know, like my, how many couples, you know, where the guy is, the guy's Irish, the woman's Jewish. There's something about like we have shame. The Irish have shame and the Jews have guilt. And somehow they're not exactly the same. They counter each other off just a little bit. But

my mother and my wife's mother went to the same high school in the Bronx. Didn't know each other. They're like two years apart. Same. I mean, we're probably the same fucking gene pool. It's like the Irish are very clannish. All my cousins, I got like 23 cousins, every one of them married a 100% Irish person. All my aunts and uncles married 100% Irish people. And it's like, and none of them get divorced. They're not happy, but they don't get divorced. There's like a this thick, clannish thing of like, we're going to marry ourselves, we're going to marry our mothers, and we're going to just white-knuckled right to the finish line. That's fucking beautiful. I mean, I guess some people get, some people get married the drop of a hat. It's fine. I mean,

get divorced the drop of a hat. I think there's something, there's something noble about staying in an unhappy marriage and trying to fix it rather than just going like, hey, we hit a couple speed bumps. Let's, let's dismount. Well, that's a Catholic guilt. Right. Because when I got divorced, I was done. In my heart, I was really done. I was done. I was raised Catholic. Yeah. No fucking holds bar Catholic. Like I enjoy it. I'm not going to sit here and tell you I'm ashamed or I'm a recovering Catholic. No, I came in this motherfucking, when I came out of my mom's snatch, I came out of there with a fucking Bible and a fucking little thing on my neck. And that's the way it was chosen. That's what I'm going out. Yeah. You know, that's what I'm going out.

And I'm not bad, I felt like I, I got back into my Catholic roots after I got locked up. I was lost and I made my, I'm in my confirmation at 29 years old. Oh shit. Yeah. I knew I was lost and I went back and I went to church Sunday. I went to 730 mass Sunday. I stayed for about 15 minutes. That's what I could tolerate. Yeah. But I go, I throw a dollar in the basket. I throw some holy water around me. You know, these aren't the churches I was raised at. Where I was raised in the church, it seemed like people really believe I watched the great Irish movie the other day. In fact, I grew up one of his grandsons. What's the fucking movie with Cameron Russell Crowe when he's the boxer? Oh, the boxer. Braddock. Right. Jimmy Braddock is big. The park

where I grew up in is Braddock Hudson County Park. Okay. So I grew up with his grandson. I grew up with that little Irish clan, you know, and there's a scene where they go, she goes to watch the fight and she goes to the church, a lot of can on the candle. The church is fucking packed. You know, it's 1940s. So that's all these fucking Irish people had. You're right. That's all they had. This is it. They worked. They got, you know, because how you see Arabs now and fucking, you know, black people, whatever. I don't mean to insult my buddy, but, you know, the flavor of the month is, you know, Arabians, right? Like they get tortured, whatever. 67 years ago. 80 years. The truth. 80 fucking years ago was the Irish. Yeah. You know,

90 years ago was the Chinese. What do you mean was the flavor of the month? Like the New Group? Who do you hate this year? Oh, who do you hate? Who do you hate this year? So every year, dozens of different migrations came in, right? You know, we use the Chinese people to build our railroads. We used to fucking whip them over a canyon with dynamite stuck to them. They were the original fucking terrorists. Did you know that? Is that why they make all the fireworks? Do you know what we've done to fucking Chinese people? They gave us the orange. Yeah, they gave us so much. And for years, we just called them fucking. Yeah. The funniest line I've ever heard was in the year of the dragon, the Chinese guys talking to the triad and he goes,

behind our backs, they call us yellow niggers. You know, for years, nobody had respect for the Chinese. Yeah. Well, you Cubans used them too. Cubans brought the Chinese in. The biggest Chinatown in the country. Right. 1960. Fidel doesn't fuck with Chinatown. Right. You know, we discussed this on the podcast. It's amazing to see a Chinese guy speaking Cuban. But then, you know, this country hated the Irish, McBastards, then the Sicilians, the Italians came in, then they turned to hate on them. And then the fucking South, you know, then the fucking boat from Cuba came. You really think when I came in the 50s, Cubans are cool. Remember, we had my uncle on. Remember, we had my uncle on.

Did they call now? He was in the 50s. Now, what would you rather put up? I hate the fucking Cubans. I hate the Arabs. I'll tolerate the Cubans. They make a good sandwich. So it's not like America starts loving anybody. They don't have room to hate everybody. We just migrate from hate group to hate group, whatever. And then you're hated less. In the 40s, it was the Jew. Who knows? But every year is something. That's the way, you know, and I think about what you said about both your mother and your mother-in-law from the Bronx. Everybody thinks, I don't know what the fuck anybody knows about the anthology of the Irish coming in. The fucking Irish invented the Bronx. The Puerto Ricans got on the board later on because the Irish gained permission to come in.

They like the music, the fried bananas. Irish like Puerto Rican chicks. That's their weakness. They love Puerto Rican pussy. And you fucking Jews love that Puerto Rican, but that'll leave you blind. That's the shit. Them fucking, whatever the fucking, that, what's the name? That fucking Lopez chick. Jennifer Lopez. Leave that boy. Go find another. He's the one. She's a dirty bitch. He was a brother. The fuckers. You know, the Bronx is, I remember my mom had a dry cleaning in the Bronx in the late 60s, and there was this Irish as a game. I used to play these weird games with the motherfuckers. Everybody had freckles. They were all dirty, but they didn't give a fuck.

Their parents threw them out in the street at eight in the morning. They weren't allowed back home till five. You know, that's where they did their thing, man. And you had to come home with a quarter, 50 cents. You know, you had to help out in the fucking house. You didn't eat. They didn't ask how you got the quarter. They didn't ask how you got the fucking quarter. So I remember like being Cuban, hanging out with Irish kids in the Bronx and black kids, and they taught me so much to fucking Irish. I owe them so much. You know, I always said they taught me toughness. They taught me what it is to fucking get into a fight and come back the next day and fight again with stitches in your fucking head. That's what it's all about,

because your father's standing right there with you. I'm going to give a fuck about your stitches. You disgraced the McMahon family. You know, you disgraced the McMahon family. Get in there. I grew up with the McMahons. There were four of them. You had to fight all four of them. And God forbid they got that sister that weighs like 280. They throw her into the bow ring too. That's when the fight was over. When Eileen comes in, you see the shadow come first. Oh my God. The fighter is so funny when all the broads and the fighter, they have six sisters and they get into a fight to drop a fucking hat. Those Irish sisters. They're pulling hairs. You know who one of those sisters was. Wait, is that right? Oh no. You know Sue Costello, right? She wasn't

one of the sisters. She was in the movie. She's in the movie. Yeah, right. She comes from a tough part of Boston, Dorchester. I spent a lot of time back in that part of Boston. And there are some tough motherfuckers. My friend, Mary Fitzgerald, she's one of my closest friends the last 20 years. She's got brothers. Two of them were the Massachusetts Golden Gloves champions from from, you know, Southeast Dorchester. Same thing. And these guys would just go out. Their father was a bookie and they would go out on the street and they were respected because of him. But then they they made names for themselves just as fucking bad asses. And you know, to this day, you talked to one of these guys. She just had a party and I hung an eye with him, slapped him on the shoulder,

like a rock. This dude's like in his early fifties. You know, the abs are still ripped. Just and he probably doesn't even work out. Just rage, just internal anger just causes the muscles to fucking tighten up just tough red faced scars, red cheeks, red hot and shit pieces of the hair is missing. Yeah. When I grew up, one of the kids that took a liking to me that gave me two tickets to the Rolling Stones, I don't know why. His name was Vinny Lynch. And he was as Irish as can be, you know. And he took me to the soap factory one night to see some shit, a bar band, you know, whoever sticky fingers, somebody covering somebody else. And I saw him take a bottle to the head. And I mean, when he got hit in the head with a bottle, I lost every bodily fluid I had. I was

like a freshman in high school. And it didn't even fucking phase. I never saw nothing like that. He got hit with like a fucking Heineken bottle. And it's just like it just woke him back up. He was did you just hit me like that's what it was like. He just went off after that. And I loved that attitude. He had that attitude where he would just go into a room like and just start smacking people. I love all that craziness. Yeah. That's part of the Irish man. They just don't listen to this book right now. You ever you know that guy, the Iceman? Yeah. Yeah, from Jersey City. I'm listening to the audio book right now about his life. It's blowing my fucking mind. It's making like I'm crawling out of my own skin. I listened to it driving over here. Are you up to Mr. Softy yet?

Mr. Softy, the guy that helped him kill? No, that's around the corner from no, I grew up on giving that terrorist athlete Charles. But this dude, they talk about that that like, because he'd been beaten so badly by his father that like when people hit him, he'd go quiet. They said that's when he really had to be nervous around this guy is when he went quiet, because that meant that he was going to kill you when he didn't want anybody to see him getting worked up. So he would just know you'd hit him with a fucking somebody hit the guy with a pipe and he would just sort of slink away. Like he was going to go get his fucking Glock or he was going to go make a plan, make sure the trunk of his car was clean, and then he was going to come

back and get you. So it was when he was yelling that you knew that you might be okay. Fucking chilling. Did he slice the chicks nipples off you? No. I don't know if I can keep listening to this book, man. Yeah, it's tough. It's a tough read. The first three or four chapters are very tough read. Talks about his life in Jersey City when he started going to Hoboken to fat, whatever. Yeah, right. And taking orders from him. It talks about when he married his first wife and he lived in West New York. Yeah. And that's when he really started fucking edging it on. And that's a perfect playground to kill people. You know, we were talking about at the end of the day, it's not that hard to kill somebody. Mobsters have killed 80 fucking thousand bodies and they're

no geniuses, right? You know, they just have the whole dog and they have their alibis tight and they do it so much, it just becomes secondhand. Yeah, this guy was killing people on the Upper West Side. Yeah, they don't really have a count on him because they didn't have computers in those days. So you couldn't really mix and match like hit like a guy gets stabbed in the throat and somebody shits in his eyeball. You know, let's see if something else matches on the computer. He didn't have that. Well, also, he always like killed different ways, which is why they couldn't find the patterns even without computers because he would, when he'd kill somebody, he'd slice their guts open so that when they threw him in the water, they wouldn't balloon and float to the top.

And he would always cut off the fingertips and chop out the teeth and like, he was like, he was really into it. He enjoyed it. Yeah. You know, for you to get a big paycheck doing it, that's, he got a cave in Pennsylvania. Right. And he fucking would drag people in their time up and he had rats back there. So they would eat you and he would tape you and then take the tape back to the head. Because they want to see that the person was in pain. They want to see the guy suffering. Yeah. He would tape you with a VHS camera. Fuck. Do you don't like people like that are born? Because like, I've heard people say like, well, no, like they're born that way. Because like, I've heard you guys talk like I was born to be a comedian. I was born to do this. Like,

how does someone one day just start marrying their first wife and decide to be a sociopath? Well, no, but he was also, they talk about was it nature or nurture because his father was a fucking lunatic who used to beat the kids, murdered his brother, beat his younger brother up until he died. And so he watched that happen. And he grew up getting the shit kicked out of him like on a daily basis, watching his mom get the shit kicked out of her. And so whatever he had predisposed that would have made him a sociopath was mixed with this absolutely traumatic childhood. And the two came together to create a guy who was a killing machine who could do it without any guilt. Nobody could talk him out of killing him. Like they said that people would be

begging for their lives and it was like he couldn't hear it. It didn't register meant nothing. It was his belief system broke down at a young age and you can't recover that at a young age. My belief system broke down at 16. It took me 20 years to get back in the fucking ballpark. Plus, you've talked about when you were with Canvela, like you went to your car to get the gun and you just couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. So even though you're like, even though you have like your wasn't in one, yeah, wasn't in me. God, I wasn't in me even though I was angry. I was pissed at the world. I want to lash out at the world. It was I really wanted to do it. But to take it to that level, like one, but then when I had the beef with my wife in 93 and 92, I started thinking

about it. And at that time I could do it. And that's why I got in my car. I went on the triple run. And then I'm on the triple run, I reflected on how angry I was. And I said, I'm not going back there for a while. There's no reason to go back to Boulder, because I saw that I was already thinking about a fax machine, the fax Jay Leno jokes. Yeah, I'm the jail cell. I was already thinking past tense, right? I was already thinking about the preparation, which is always bad. I knew these two Vietnam vets that were like killing machines. And they were like, we don't have to shoot it. We could just take her up to the woods, rub maple syrup on and tire up the fucking lions together. They'll do the work. Trust me. And there'll be nothing left. Nobody will find it's

done. And I was having so much problems. I wanted to, you know, have my daughter. She was hiding my daughter from me. There was so many levels of anger. And then when you have that level of anger, the anger I had at 16 came right back up. That just picked that level of anger up. So now I was a raging machine, you know, I counted the fights I got into from 91 to 95. It was fucking tremendous. Wait, what happened at 16? My mother died. So that anger, that breakthrough. Now I'm, now it's 16. You gotta remember guys, I was the type of guy that would smoke a joint and go home and pray to God to forgive me. Like I was the type of guy when I first to THC Crystal in my nose, like, I went to church that Sunday, I couldn't, it was too much for the

guilt. But once I started beating that guilt, and then my central nervous belief, my central belief system broke down because at the wake you say to yourself, how can God do this? You tell that God is great and he loves and he does all this shit. And then you go to the Bible and it says that forgiveness and that there's a reason for this. You don't see that at 16. You don't see that at all. You don't see that at 30. If you have a wife and something happens to you, you don't see that at 30. You know, so how are you going to see that 16? So just as I was getting over that, then I built this other thing up and they just picked it up. Throw the blow on there, throw the fuel on there, no career, nothing's going on. Shit work. You're a fucking walking time bomb.

You're the same guy that shot John Lennon. Racism. You just need a victim. Racism against you? No, no. You never felt that? No. I think that's a big fucking quorum in this country, you know. No, I could look you in the face, never. Oh yeah, you suspect, but that shouldn't hold you back. That should not hold you back. If I say Jew or Kike, okay, that's great. That doesn't hold you back. Nobody's going to stop you from being funny because you're Irish or nobody's going to stop you being an addict because you're fucking Jewish. That helps you. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, you actually got a huge favor going for you. You got a huge favor going for you, but all jokes aside. No, no, no, no. You just get, you just get, uh, it was the divorce. Somebody was talking today

at Jiu Jitsu about divorce. Now it affected them and I understood what the guy was talking about because to me, the divorce was worse than my mother's death. The divorce was worse than going to prison. It was horrible to a guy like me coming home and finding not even your forks. You know, you come out of prison and all of a sudden you get back on your feet. It takes fucking time. Not even the felony tag affected me. I was thinking about how different it is to be a felon now than to be a felon 30 years ago because I would lie on every application. Are you a felon? What are you talking about? You insult them and then they would come back three days later and say, it says here you're a felon. That thing is wrong. Get the fuck out.

I'll sue you. Where's the wrench? Okay, Joey, we're sorry. It is the, my name is Jose Diaz. How many Jose Diaz is there? Yeah, right. You got to prove you got to send these fingerprints to DC unless you got fingerprints. That's wrong. I put that away. Let's go back to work. Why are we talking about that? Yeah. You know, so I'd always overcome it. That shit of having a felony. If somebody tells you, I can't get a job because I have a felony. That guy's BTL. He's born to lose. That felony shit. You know, they tell you when you have a felony, this is a truth. When you have a felony, you become a handicapped. Did you know that in this country? That's considered a handicapped. You become disabled. So once you go to the prison,

you don't want to work. You don't have to work. You go to social security. They'll send you 700 hours for the rest of your life. Yeah. And it never, I mean, it never really affected you. Why would it affect me? A felon? I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. I'm a human being. I'm looking for work to feed me, to snort coke, to sling dick. So I don't put a machine gun in my hand and kidnap somebody again. I'm looking for a second chance. So what who cares if I'm a felon? I don't touch money. I don't touch the register. Me working on your cars and me selling a car. That's not to do with your fucking felony. A felony affects you,

how you let it affect you. If you tell people, well, nobody's going to give me a job, because I'm a felon, then you just wrote yourself out. How long is it on your record? I can take it off now, because after 10 years, you get the felon. Is that true? Yeah, after 10 years, you could go to court and get a judge. But then you lose the 700 bucks a month. Yeah, but who gives a fuck? I've never touched that 700 a month. But I mean, you still have issues getting into all the countries and stuff. So I mean, that's kind of fucked up that you did this how many years ago, 25 years ago. Listen, William, if I had the time, the patience, and the energy for bureaucracy, I would take care of

all these things. I have a friend that we're trying to get into the Canada thing. I have to do pay. If Keith Richards could get to Canada, I'd get in the fucking Canada. So you get in the Canada play a show. Instead of paying 10% tax, they make you pay 18 for the day. That's what everybody, there's always a price, Lee. Always remember that there's always a price. There's a price. So that's what we're trying to work out right now. I could get my passport now. But the fucking thing that's stopping me is the warrant in Seattle, a 20 year warrant that they've kept for not going to anger management class. So that's still out there now? That's still out there. Why don't you go to the class?

Because they want me to turn myself in to Seattle and get re-sentenced and then go to the class. I ain't doing that. I ain't got time for that. Come get me. So what happens if you work in Washington state? I don't work in Washington state. How's that feel? There's no reason to go up there. It's over. Kurt Cobain got to come see me down here, all right? Joey don't mind Jada in fucking Las Vegas. Joey don't mind Jada in New York. Joey mind Jada in Miami. With that Jew, I'm in rock. Joey get a cup of coffee on Hollywood Boulevard. I don't need to go to Seattle. Seattle's best is over real. They got Cuban coffee down on those cronut cups.

Cafe Bustelo and fucking Target. All that shit is over. My wife's got Starbucks. There they go. Telly Ho. Throw this shit in the garbage. I got Cafe Bustelo. I went back with the fucking Tabanos. I got a fucking curing machine. Not a plane ticket. Fuck you. Fuck you. I don't go to Seattle for nothing. I don't even go to fucking Idaho. I don't go to Oregon either. It's too close. Fuck those bitches. All right, all right. Carve it out. Give it a little room to breathe. You know, man, if you're gonna fucking come looking for me for not going on anger management for like 20 years ago, just smacking some guy in a comedy club that hit

smack-bart read. Three guys smack-bart read. I jumped into it. No, run read and I got thrown in the fucking jail. Well, they revoked my probation. I was on probation for other things. Yeah. It happens. You know, I got into a fight in New Port Red Island one night. Where me and my buddy, this kid from Northern Ireland named Sean Burgoyne, drunk and lunatic, would fight at the drop of a hat. Drop of a hat, those guys. And then my brother, and we're walking back from this bar and these local kids are starting some shit with us. And there was a bunch of them and there's only three of us, but we're shit-faced. It's like two in the morning. So I walk up and this kid's got on a Yankees cap and I smack it off his head.

I go, take that hat off. You're not from fucking New York. They jump on us and we start fighting. So they grab me, not my brother, not Sean. They grab me and they grab a black kid from the New Port Red Island kids. He had nothing to do with the fight. He was nowhere near it, but he was like, he was the black kid. Got to grab him and they pull him in and I spend the weekend in jail with this black kid. And I'm saying to him, I go, look, man, I saw you weren't in the fight. I said, you know, I'm going to take Harry. I'll testify, whatever. So then it turns out that my buddy's uncle was like the prosecutor in Red Island. So I went up to the bench when my arraignment date, a few months later, I went up to the bench and there was some shuffling,

there was some whispering and the judge just kind of looked at me, didn't wink, but basically like dismissed. And then the next kid was up and I go, can I, I, he didn't do anything. Simmons, your case, yeah, but I just want to say this guy, he didn't do anything. And they're like, okay, we hear you, we hear you. And I stuck around and they, he slid out too, but it was he, cause he was black. They fucking grabbed him. They grabbed you cause you were Cuban. You think? Oh yeah. Shit. Hell yeah. Shit. It's amazing how many times I sat in one of those fucking county jails for an hour, two hours overnight, a weekend, un-fucking-believable. Wow. It's not even bad. After a few hours, once it settles into your mind that you're not going

nowhere, you start relaxing. It becomes pretty fucking fun. It's fun except that there's no fucking clock and there's no windows. So you don't know, is it noon? Is it midnight? I have no fucking idea. I don't know how my, they took my watch. I don't know, is time crawling or is it flying here? Cause I always seem to get, I've had three times with me. I spent the weekend in jail, always for drinking and fighting. And then, and it was always seem to be a Friday night with the judge coming in on a fucking Monday at noon and you just sitting there. And one time we went in and I'd gotten into this fight in Boston, spitting on each other. We're at a punk rock show and we're spitting beer on each other. We're soaking wet, dancing, sweating, drenched, getting into a

fight, thrown into the freezing cold fucking jail cell and two full days of, I just remember being cold the entire fucking time. And smelling horrible. Smelling like shit. Oh my God. Yeah. But those days are over. Good upstanding man now. Oh my God. I remember getting arrested in Seattle on ecstasy. I remember getting arrested one time and I saw a Chinese guy just kick a guy in the fucking back for taking his chair, classic. Yeah. Got arrested a couple times in Jersey. Those are the easiest ones. In Jersey, you can always talk to the cop. Let me go check with the other cop and they let you. Right. That wasn't bad. New York City was a trip. Getting arrested and being put in the tombs. Is that Rikers? That's Rikers. That's the real fucking deal. That's where

you see some why you see people with blood on. Like if a guy fights with the cops and he fucks up a cop, they'll process them first. Let him bleed out. Yeah. They'll let that motherfucker bleed out and then take him to an emergency room. I was in East. I was in some part Bergen County chair one night and they brought a guy in that had done something to a cop. This motherfucker was bleeding in front of the judge. There was a puddle in front of the judge. And it's a business because the court in the East Coast runs all night. Yeah. Like New Yorkers all night till midnight. So you get arrested. You go right up in front of a judge. If you could post bail right there, they'll let you out, Lee. There's a bail bonzering right there.

Right there. Right there. Boom. How much bail? $2,000 is $200. So if you got 200 on your ATM card, you bail yourself out. It's that easy, you know, anything in that level. At what point do you stop getting like nervous or upset? Because if I if I went to jail for five seconds right now, I would freak out. I find the 10th arrest. You just like, Oh, after the 10th arrest, it's just like fucking, you know, it's nothing. You already know, keep your mouth shut. You don't know nothing. You didn't see nothing. You know, depending with the situation, the cop, there's very little things you could do if you get to the cop first. You know, do you make a phone call? Like would you call somebody just be

like, Hey, I got arrested. Don't look for me once you get to the station. But you know, this time you're headed to do something. You know how many times in Boulder I was headed to do something. And I got pulled over and I owe it on a trapping ticket and they bring in and you're at work. You just went for a sandwich. You imagine just going for a fucking sandwich pulled over and the 37 to 35 and getting pulled in. And then when you get pulled in, you got a grandma reefer in your sock and they didn't process me for the reefer, but they process me for the ticket. I got arrested a couple of times in Boulder before and the whole time in Boulder, because when I went to Boulder in 85, I was into credit cards. I had a friend that was working

at a bank and if Greg Fitzsimmons got a credit card made, he'd make two. He'd send you one and I'd get the other for $500 and it'd be whatever limit you got. Yeah. So if you got a $5,000 limit, I had a $5,000 limit, but that was in California. So your card was in Boston. So it was a race to see who could hit $5,000 first. But in those days, the credit card companies were very smart. After you charged two charges, they'd call you. Oh, that's right. I remember that. And they would stop your card. Yep. So you got a brand new card today and you bought a pair of sneakers and then you went to In-N-Out Burger. That's it. That card wasn't going to work again until you got home. If you went somewhere else, they'd decline it and then

they make you call in and then they go, we want them double checked that you're getting those things. So I would have to wait for you to make a couple of things. So I would be in contact with him on the phone. And once he'd call me and say, the green light, go, he's already put a thousand on there. Boom. I leave the house and I need to be charging big stuff. And once I knew the card was called in, then I become under the credit. I become under 50. Because only until about 15 years ago, they started checking under $50. Yeah. Under $50. They wouldn't even do that. They write the number down, catch it next week. You didn't know that digitally. Well, they do that for like 25 now, I think, right? I like CVS. They don't make you sign. I know my wife just had

a credit card stolen and she found out because she found out and she called in. The guy had used it at a McDonald's and a fucking Starbucks. Like, way to go for it. You're going to steal a credit card and then go to McDonald's and go to jail for it? I got mine stolen once and the card wasn't even stolen. I just went on my online and it was like 500 bucks at Macy's.com and I called them. I'm like, that's not me. And I just, I don't know how... Anyone knows you don't shop at Macy's, right? Yeah, no. She doesn't shop at Macy's. But no, but it's... Like, did you feel bad about it? About what? About using other people's credit cards? Now I do. At that time, when I was having a good time, fuck no. And it was just another way to make money, Lee. I knew

the insurance car was going to cover it. There's insurance, bro. Insurance covers everything, unless you're a fucking moron. So I'm not feeling guilty. That was true. Nobody's... Nobody never comes out of your pot. These credit card companies, they make billions of dollars. I guess that's true. Listen, credit card companies are in business for you to spend and for you to owe. You know credit cards hate when you pay them the month, like American Express. That's a deal they have. But Mastercard, send them a check for the fucking full amount. Watch how pissed off they fucking get. They want to juice you, Lee. Everybody wants to juice you. And the more you owe them, the higher they raise that credit limit.

That's it. Plain and simple. They want you to spend and they want you to owe. You owe $6,000 on your card. You send them $50. They don't give a fuck. They're laughing all the way to the bank. You said, I'm going, I'm a pimp. No, you're not. You just milked it the fuck out. You just killed you. You're just designing your own death. You know, I did it for years. So I know. So I always knew that. I always knew. I always knew when I was doing criminal things and I was robbing coke from people, you shouldn't be dealing in coke. Can't call the cops. So it's a fucking, it's a man's world. That's what cocaine was. It was a man's world. You either got a pack of heat or have your grandmother in the fucking house or you got to be smarter and fucking the

guys out there. Everybody's looking to take your fucking money, Lee. You think if there was no banks and you left your money on the cats, people wouldn't be fucking throwing bat wings up there, trying to climb up and taking your million dollars. You bet you're fucking ass, Lee. That's what we're about. Taking the other guy fucking down. So I don't feel bad. There's always a scam. There's always a scam. Even today, there's scams. We don't even know about on the computer that people are fucking doing. Yeah, that's crazy. Like a lot of my dad lives in a retirement community and all the time he tells me stories about all those emails people get about like the prince or or I have this money for you like. Oh yeah. I'm so, I'm so worried my mom is going to be

fall for that shit because she's retired. You know, when people retire, they, they don't know computers. They're the ones that get fucking sucked into these things. Not the people that can afford it. Your parents retired. We're Florida. My dad. Yeah, he's down there and right outside of Boca. And it's just, it's crazy. And like he actually got something because he used to use like online pharmacies because it was cheaper. And like this guy scammed him and said he was the FBI that was buying illegal drugs, which he wasn't, what you wasn't. But then he said, if you want, I can get the charges dropped. You have to Western Union me $2,000. And he kept calling him and saying, where are you? You have to be at the Western Union

in 10 minutes or our office is going to close. And like he didn't do it because he wasn't an idiot. But how many people people must that work on? That's crazy. The online pharmacies, they're the ones that had Valium and that shit to have like. I think it was like, it was to his insurance company. You get everything. Yeah. Now any drug that you get a prescription for pretty much you can get, you know, online for cheaper. It's just, is a quality control. You don't, there's no, you know, but that's probably not an issue most times, but you can definitely save a lot of money. I know somebody sent me an email the other day with fucking just Viagra and yeah, like it in and like everything, like every, you know, every

illegal pill. Yeah. You know, like, right? You ever take a Viagra? Never. No. You took one once. What do you think? It was good. I mean, like I've never had a rectile dysfunction at all, but I also felt like I'm also Johnny one time, you know, you, I gotta, you gotta restart the 24 hour clock after I pop. Hey, there's no, there's no round two. So is there round two Viagra? There was round two and it was a solid round two. Probably could have gone round three, but you know, I wore out the old lady. You ever do Viagra? Not Viagra. A couple before I started doing this, this one, this one, I don't know. Her name is Paula. I know. Like sometimes I don't know. I think people get annoyed by it, but uh, I had this one. I don't know. Sometimes I worry

like if I should be saying her name or not, but um, I had a couple bad experiences where I like couldn't get it up and I thought, I thought maybe it was the weight, but then I tried not Viagra, but one of those over the counter ones they sold at CVS, but once I started losing weight and then this is, it wasn't an issue, but I tried like one of the over the counter ones. What's the one like the football coach does? Oh extends that one. I tried that one twice. Was it like an organic? It's not organic. I think it's just a whole bunch of like generic Viagra. Did you dig that big? It didn't, you know, it, it, it didn't, it made me feel weird. Like it didn't even make you hard, but like it's like a energy drink made my heart like super fast. So like it freaked me out. I'm

scared of all that shit. I've always been kind of, and you don't, you'd expect me to be a Viagra guy and ecstasy. Well, cause you told me to get dead, Dick sometimes, but I guess that's from blow. That's the blow. That's not, no, I get a fucking good heart on, you know, and if I knocked my wife up lifting weights, you know, I was doing squats for my knee to rehab and, and I know that when I hit those kettlebells, I feel bad for anybody. But again, I last a minute. It's just a good, hard, big, dick minute. You know what I'm saying? It's a good minute. I'll breathe. You don't last long? No. I'm gonna breathe me. Yeah. I come fast. Yeah. Yeah. With coke, I can last a little bit. Like after I crack the nut, then I get a second time.

But even now, you don't last long. What about if you go a second time right away? You know, that was so sad. It was such a forlorn kind of. Listen, man, there's guys I'll tell you, they're good and bad. I've never been good and bad. I like eating pussy and getting kinky. I'll smack you, you know, I'll kick you, but that should have fucking for two hours and sweating and drinking champagne and eating fucking strawberries. That's never been my back. Let's do this. You just want to pop. Yeah, let's pop and let's talk about whatever you want to talk about. I hate when it's in your way. I hate when it's in the way. I don't like when it's in the way.

It drives me. So what about foreplay? Do you enjoy foreplay? I'll eat your ass. Oh, fuck yeah. I'll eat your ass and eat your pussy. And that's it. What do you want to hug? I just had my tongue in your ass. What do you want to do? You want me to breathe on you? I wouldn't be like you breathe on me if you were looking at my asshole. But that's just me. You know what I'm saying? Once we do what we gotta do, we brush our teeth. We drink from our own glasses and we fucking sit there and remember this. You know what I'm saying? And once everything goes back again, we start fucking and sucking again. But when you do blow, you get all creepy. You're getting creeped out anyway. So I don't hurt anybody bragging about not being a good mom. Oh, I'm horrendously bad because I don't

have the patience. Yeah. I don't have the I don't have the the whole thing to lay there with a fireplace. I don't give a fuck. I'm gonna do that shit. I never I never understood. I always thought there was something wrong with me. I always thought there was something wrong with me because I don't like that shit. I love you. You love me. Alright, let's fuck. And then we'll crack the nut. We'll clean up and we'll figure something out. You got some chicken collards in the refrigerator. We move on. But if you think I'm gonna lay here with a robe and talk to you, my wife said to me the other day, she irritates the shit out of my wife. I love her to death, but she thinks I'm a fucking masseuse. And I gotta tell you something. I don't like rubbing nobody. Yeah. I don't like people touching me.

I can't go to a masseuse. I feel creepy. When I went, there's one over here that rubs your shoulders and your legs for 20 bucks. That'll do. But once I got to lay flat down, fuck you. That's not my bag. Right. Do that. Rub my shoulders, rub my toes, put cream on my calves. I'm in. Yeah. Same. But all that other shit laying down, two cucumbers in your eyes. Yeah. Relax. I don't listen. I don't relax. I ain't got time to. I don't want to hear bad music. Yeah. I don't want to hear fucking the 80s. I don't want to hear. I just don't. So the other day, and I had the electrodes on my knees because I had knee surgery. So I bought one of those things, the 10s, that you put two pads on and you put electric shock and the heels through the, through the waves. And you could control

it with acupuncture. It doesn't matter the point being that I'm sitting there and I just put them on. So I got 15, 20 minutes left. And she comes out with ice with that look on her face. Like, you know, I got a headache. Can you rub my shirt? Oh my goodness. I just put these on. Give me 10 minutes. So now those 15 minutes were torture, torture, because I knew I had to rub her fucking shoulders. They were torture. I love my wife, but I hate fucking rubbing people's shoulders. So finally, like the three minute mark with three minutes left, I go, do me a favor. The baby's awake, bubble guppies on. I'll give you 40 bucks. Go see the Chinese. I don't want to rub your fucking shoulders. I'm over here. Relax. I went to Jiu Jitsu yesterday. My hands are tied

from grabbing the gi. I got a blister and a splinter in there. I'm going to sit here. I got like three minutes. Yeah, I could rub you as long as I fuck a minute. Right. And after that, I get bored with that too. I don't want to rub you. Did she take the 40? No, she didn't even go. Then she got all right. She got healthy after I told them I'm not doing it. I love parking up the wrong tree. She's going to know that by now. I fucking hate that shit. Yeah, I, uh, I love massages, man. I like someone fucking rubbing me. I go in there. I got a does a car wash I go to. They got a massage place next door. Drop it off. He's saying it'll be an hour. Clean it up. Let it sit there for half an hour. I'm going next door. I get a nice fucking body rub once a week. Really?

Beautiful. What's she banging out? 40 bucks cash. Let's throw an extra 30. She jerk you off. No. Okay. I just gotta ask Lee, what the fuck? Maybe you want to go? Would you do that? Lee? You don't do anything. Lee does. I've never, I've never done it. Uh, I had thought about it. I was single for a while, but when I moved here like a year, a year and a half. So I thought about it. I never did it. When I was not testosterone, I was really horny and I scoped out the place by the Agostinos and they got two Chinese chicks in there that I'm bad looking. There was one that looked like she fucking got hit by a car, but the other two weren't fucking bad. I mean, not bad at all. I mean, they're not Lucy Lou, but you know, but she never did it. I couldn't pull the trigger. Yeah.

I just couldn't. The Catholic guilt. I couldn't get my dick sucked now. I love my wife too much. I just don't want to rub her shoulders, but I wouldn't cheat on it. You know what I'm saying? I can't do it. I don't see, again, I'm coming to come in a minute. Yeah. Unless she sucks my dick and I need her ass. So again, I'm going to sit there and now we got to talk to him. Now I got to take him for a drink and talk to him and see him. Like I give a fuck. I don't, I just want to go home. This is great. Masturbation is such an amazing thing. How many times you've been horny, you're thinking of leaving the house and getting a hooker and fucking some chick that you hated. Yeah. And you jerk off and you go done. That's it. No motivation to any of that. I just talking

to somebody about that the other day of like an orgasms and orgasm. It doesn't matter if you're inside of a fucking black chick or you're in your own hand, you're popping, you're feeling good, and then you're disinterested completely for 24 hours. It happens all the time now, especially with like Tinder. And you can download the app and within five minutes be talking to a girl. Like it's scary sometimes. Like when you haven't or like masturbated in a couple days, like how creepy I get. That would scare the shit out of me. Like people, like somebody told me back page is really bad. Like whatever, a lot of people go to back page. That's a big one, right? That's the one Butch showed us the whole website. No, what about the other one? He went, he called

today. I'm working on this weekend. Oh, really? Yeah, red, red pay, red. Okay. There was something red. Maybe he said that's the hooker for $60 that we're going to get you. Yeah. And this fucking guy went upstairs and cleaned his room. I go, where you been? He goes, I was cleaning my rooms in case the hooker came up. I went to the room to be messy. I'm staying by that still. It's a nice Jewish boy. He's the best. This guy is the best. This is my gumball each old school. How are you right now? Nothing. This is I'm high. This isn't as bad as Monday. Who takes care of you like me? What I tell you is that but there's no way this is over. By the end of this show, this might I won't be fucking gone 10 milligram. But then you guys also smell the size of my thumb.

It was smoked half a joint. We're gonna even know that they're not 10 milligrams. The ones he had are either 70 or 180. I don't know. I just don't know which one he gave me yet. It depends. I ate first of all was 70. And I ate 50. I gave you 20. You did not. I had at least 30. You're such a fucking sack of shit. You haven't eaten 30 milligrams all year. I've been giving you 10, 10, 15. How much is like a typical hit? Like those ones you gave me. That was 70 milligram. That's 70 that you gave me? Yeah. Were you high? I ate half of that. I took Joey to this meeting. He comes on and does my radio show. God bless him. And this guy's listening. He's this executive at a network to be named later. And he goes, this guy Joey Diaz. I've never heard

anything like it. Get him in here. I want to fucking, I want to hear a show idea from this guy. So me and Mike Gibbons go to bring him in and we're sitting in the lobby waiting to go upstairs. And he gives me a fucking edible to eat. And I'm like, we're going to a meeting, man. What are you doing? He goes, just eat a half of it. Hey, you'd have to. We're sitting in this meeting. Everything's cool. Fine. 10 minutes goes by. Everything's fine. 50 minutes goes by. And I got two X's over my eyes. And I start laughing at what Joey's saying. Because Joey's saying, Joey said, cunt three times in the first five minutes. And I start laughing and then he's saying, cunt.

I told him I want to kill my wife. Yeah, right, right. Oh my God. They just got pale. They just got fucking pale. He goes, I don't really, I don't really want to kill her. But you know, I won't. Oh fuck. That was like six months ago, right? We laughed our ass off. He called me right away. He's like, I've been to a thousand pitch meetings, never in my life. Were you just going there to have fun? I just wanted to listen to those meetings. You got to be yourself. Yeah, I would hate to go in there and speak polite and formal. Then they come see me on stage and it's all a lie. Yeah, that they would go get somebody I want Listen, in life, I push the envelope because I don't want no misunderstandings.

All right. I don't want no misunderstandings in life. Why would you, you know, and that's why people get divorced. That's why people get divorced. Because the guys are somebody else in the beginning. Every time you go in and out of a relationship as a man, you get stronger and you take from a relationship where you're not going to do again. You know, when I moved here, I moved here with a stripper and she was into comedy. So every time I got in the car to do comedy, I dragged this fucking soul around with me. Comedy is a one man game. Yeah, it's you and a microphone. That's it. People had, and I told Lee a couple weeks ago, Lee, I love you like a fucking nephew. Get one lesson from me in life. Don't involve your wife with business. Yeah.

Do your own thing. She does her own thing. Because once you get at those things, you can't focus on what the fuck you're doing. So when I started dating Terry, Terry, no comedy. I don't want you coming. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, you learn from different relationships, what you're going to fucking do and what. Right. So it's just amazing how you just get stronger and it's what you're not going to do and what you're going to do. And if you say that shit from the beginning, you won't have a problem later on. Right. You know, I just listened to a Hicks album yesterday and he's talking about never want never doing a commercial. He's like the day you do a fucking commercial. And you know, it's it's him. This

is like the 1980s and like he was in Houston wasn't really being offered commercials. So you and I, we do fucking commercials for our radio shows, our podcast, whatever, you know, pays the rent. But I think his point was that, you know, you got to, you got to bring it like you got to figure out who you are and bring that a hundred percent. And if you're dialing it back a little bit, like obviously you're not changing your show because of a commercial that you're running on it. But when you put your face on fucking seven up and all of a sudden you're pretending to be something that you're not, there's a part of you that dies. Now there's a part of you that can survive. So there's this concessions everybody makes. I would never come

down on anybody for if you want to tote fucking seven up, whatever, who gives a shit. But as an artist is also a part of you that goes like, you can do that, but you can't do that too often. There's not going to be enough left. And it's the same thing if you get married and you try to involve your wife in every creative decision that you make. And I don't care if you're a fucking accountant, whatever it is that you do, you got to do it balls out and you got to be relaxed and confident enough that you're doing it to the best of your ability. Well, that's the truth. I think that people get involved in things they don't know and they, you know, when you hook up with a girl, you lie. You try to be somebody else. Then when she gets

married, then you become somebody else and then the divorce is evident. It's evident because you didn't stake your fucking claim from the beginning and let them know. And even though she gets pissed, she'll understand it later. She'll respect you for it. She'll say, you know what, at least the guy, that's it. That's all women want. That's all you want. So that's how I was raised. That's the state of mind. Like I was like, I don't want to be nobody else. I never wanted to be anybody else. Maybe Ozzy Osbourne when I was like 19, I want to have a band, but that's it. I never wanted to be anybody else. I took from everybody. I liked what Julia Serving did. I loved what David Collins did. You know, I loved what John Havlicek did. And that's where I became when I played basketball,

you know? And you fucking learn. And I don't even know what the fuck I'm saying. I'm so high. Well, I think what we're trying to say, Joey Diaz, is that you're an animal. You came out to this comedy show that I did Saturday night at The Improv. I had to bring this up. Oh my God. We did this show. And like a couple of times a year I go out, you talk about not bringing your wife to work. It was like two nights of the year my wife comes out and sees me do stand-up. Do it at The Improv. Invite out a bunch of friends and get some friends to go on the show and perform. And it's a fun night out, you know? And so you came out and the show was, it was a lot of the,

it was, it was Zach Alfenakis and Sarah Silverman and Jen Kirkman and my buddy Mike Gibbons who we went to the meeting with and you. And you just fucking lit it up. You came in and it was like, the crowd was very cool. It was like Sarah was cool and, you know, not, you know, they're just, what you do is so different than what everybody else does. And you come on towards the end of the show and you just were like, you told the crowd that they were not, that their assholes were tight and they need to fucking lighten up. And all of a sudden they just did. It was like, it was like the earth just opened and the crowd that was meant to be just came out. And they just, it was like, thank God you went on before me because they were not like that for

everybody else. And then you made them a great crowd. And my wife was like, what was that fucking force of nature I saw tonight? I was like, that's Joey Diaz. And she says, where does he come from? I go, he just is. He doesn't, he doesn't come from anywhere. He's just Joey Diaz. That was fantastic, man. I get, thanks for doing that. The Melrose Improv is a tough nut for me to crack. So I'll never, I don't want young comics to listen to this and get bad habits. It was such a bad room for me that I stayed out of it for like a year and a half. I just, it was a nut I couldn't figure out. I get a few laughs, but I never got them because in the back of my mind- This is going back how far?

98. Right. One time I went up there and I followed Stan Hope and I couldn't get a fucking laugh because he said Niggurat before me on stage and Chris Tucker was in the audience. And this was when Monday nights was the best night for comedy then. They had the black show, but it was mixed whites. Moe better Monday. This was way before Moe better Monday. This is where the show started eight and they put a couple of five minute spots. And before it transitioned, they even had a towel of Pablo Francisco. Then it became black. So you had like white acts, Latino acts up to 845 that had transitioned. Well they had Stan Hope and then me and the place was packed. And at this time I had been floundering there. And it was Monday night and I'd floundered like on

Thursday nights. I always at the comedy store was Moe and me. I don't know what the difference was. I'd go to the improv and I'd want to be Jim Gaffigan. And that's not me. Why would I want to be Jim? So for years I went to the improv thinking I was Jim Gaffigan. I'd die and I couldn't figure out what the fuck the problem was. One time I died so bad I just stopped. I just said I'm not going into the improv. And then me being me, you know what happened? I tried to be fucking Greg Fitzsimmons instead of being Joey Diaz. I tried to be a smart comic instead of being Joey Diaz. Go in there and just be yourself. And that's when I started fucking up the improv. Because at that point they're not going to like me, they're not going to like me. But the people who are

cool, they're going to take the fucking ride because they haven't been watching this all night. They've been seeing some, they've been seeing people paint pictures for sitcoms. Not somebody who doesn't give a fuck. Right. That's the difference people. Yeah, they're different rooms. The improv is a showcase room. It's a lot of people that are showing their teeth for the industry and prancing out there like ponies. So I would go out there and try to be that and it's never going to work for me. Right. And I learned a valuable lesson. Just be yourself. Right. And being yourself and people tell you that, you sit in the car and go, what the fuck are they talking about? You know, what the fuck are they saying?

Greg will call me before Greg, Joey, I don't know if you could help me. I'm going into a meeting for CBS. I don't know what I'm going to do. What do people say to you? Just be yourself. And you're sitting there going, Jesus fucking Christ, what are they saying? Be yourself as you times 10, just so there's no misunderstandings. Because they could always pull you back. Yeah. But they can't give you no. Right. I can't give you life, Lee, but I could always go, come here, Lee, damn it back. Right. Okay. Now we got something to work with. So I give them Joey Diaz plus 10. So I got to drop something right off the back of a cunt, something just to let them know fucking yum, something just to split the room in half that

they have to catch their breath. Yeah. It's like when you jump in a pool and it's cold, the heat is off. Yeah, right. That's what I want you to do. I want you to fribulate. I want you to fribulate a little bit and then go, I get it. Right. This guy is not, he was Tarzan. He was raised by apes. Okay. He was raised by fucking savages. You know, he didn't really have an upbringing. He had a Cuban mom who stabbed somebody in Cuba to get her in. She had an alias. Then my stepfather was a savage. My father died and then he bumped into black people on a hundred and fucking 35th Street and then he bumped into Irish people. So he didn't really have a fucking identity. Then he moved to Jersey, which is like moving to Boston at 13. That's just,

it just, you know, when you move to Boston at 12, you're going to become one of those people. That's a crucial time in your life. If you move at eight, you're going to get involved, but at 12, you've got to become somebody quick. So you've got to jump into the fire. So if I move to Dorchester and I'm the only Cuban in Dorchester and somebody says, Hey, you make fuck, that's Simmons. I got to jump in there and take a beat and guess what? He's bringing me home for dinner and his nine brothers, they're going to fucking get my back. And now you got a fucking Cuban in the house. And even though they say that crazy spick, those nine Irish motherfuckers are going to live and die for that fucking Cuban because they know he lives and dies for him. He's not some

regular Gentile walking around with a tattoo and I'm tough. No, we got into a beef and that fucking spick fuck jumped in. And that's what they'll say to the Irish. They'll say, Hey, well, that's that fucking spick. Hey, wait a second, wait a second. That guy might be a spick, but when I was in a beef, he was there. Where the fuck were you that night? They'll say it how it is. So now I got tamed into that mentality. So I'm black, Irish, a spick. I got everything going against me. So I'm like, Tarzan, I just because I watched Tarzan and my darling that day. That's a favorite movie. I'm real cool. Joey Diaz. Take a little water after that one. That was fantastic. Tony B. I love you. Cox sucker. Alberto Jimenez stay black. Diesel lion. You bad motherfucker.

Sal 3 3 3 2 0 8. You bad motherfucker. Marcus Munoz. Death Squad M UFC. Wait, wait for dust, the photographer. I love you and Luke Cantalone. You know, I love you. Cox suckers. Jesus black. Hey, before you get out of here, we get out of here. When I spoke to you the other day, you said something very interesting to me that I didn't even know how to react. I had asked you where you been and we were goofing. You said, I've been in my cave. Joey, this is how it works. I go into a deep sleep. I stay in my cave and I come out. And I put two into the gather and I just figured out you were talking about depression. So tonight I just, I don't know anything about it. I want you to just break it down.

We got a little time before you have to leave. Right. It's tough, man. It's, it's a family disease and it's something that, um, you know, it's gone through. Irish people, I think, are pre predispose, predisposed, predisposed to have a depression. I don't know what it is. It's in our genes. My dad had it. My mom's got it. Not a lot of sun in Ireland. I think that could be a big part of it. I hear that the Irish people as a whole have different things because Ireland is like Buffalo. It's like Seattle. Right. There's not a lot of sun in Ireland. Yeah. So I try to get out in the sun because I know that's one of the things that really helps it, but, um, it's hard. I've dealt with it my whole life and I didn't, it's easier once you identify it and you realize like, okay, I got a,

like I said to you, I, I think you said, how you doing? I go, I'm, I'm, I'm doing all right. I'm just coming out of the dark. Like I know when I'm coming out and I also know when I'm going in and I know that, uh, I can't determine how long I'm going to be down there for sometimes, you know, but I got to stay down there and lay low and then come out and shake it off. But it's, uh, you know, it's, it's tough. I meditate twice a day, worked out, went to the beach today, played tennis on the beach, swam in the ocean every day, put myself out and just fucking fight against it because it'll, it'll drag you down, you know, and, uh, some medication. I didn't know you had it. How old were you when you discovered that something ain't right or?

I just, I was always, I was always a, a somber person. Like I always needed to be alone a lot. You know, I think that's a big sign is if you can't be around other people, you can't relate, you feel like you got to just withdraw almost like they're pulling down the curtains and just like get the fucking sunlight off of me, you know? And, um, I think when my dad died was the first time I really got like, I can't function. Like I can't go outside, you know, and I was probably 23 when that happened. And so ever since then I've been going to a lot of therapy and I, I figured it out. Like I figured out how to get a handle on it and how to live my life and totally functional. I can, I can work as hard as anybody, harder than anybody because I, I know what I'm up against.

And so it's like, I'm proactive about making my life positive and making my life productive and not, and knowing that I can allow myself to go black without it affecting being a good father, being a good husband, being a good friend. And I just, you find the places where you can let yourself go down a little bit where it's, okay, to do list is crossed off, kids been put to sleep, daddy's going to go fucking sit alone in a room for a little while and think about the dark side. And then you fight your way out, you know, and knowing that it's going to come back again, but that you can't, you know, you can't look at it and go like, what just happened that bummed me out? Who am I mad at? It's not that. It's just chemical. It can, it can be absolutely nothing.

You can have a perfectly good day. And all of a sudden you're staring out the window. I was at the gym yesterday and the trainer goes to me, he goes, he goes, I'm sitting on that, you know, that machine that you sit on, you put your chest against it and you pull the bars back for your lats and I'm sitting there and I'm sitting on it like, like it's a preacher bench. I got my head down and I'm just staring out the window and I was thinking about some really, I wouldn't even say what I was thinking about, but really heavy dark shit. And the guy says, he goes, you know, those weights aren't going to live, lift themselves or made some joke. And I looked at him like, thanks for saying that. I don't know how long I've been fucking sitting here. I just got up and just kept

going, you know. I just don't even know where to start when people send me emails and they asked me about Joey, because I know I suffer from something. I just don't have the balls to go on there and get it official. It's the manic depression, whatever, because I go off. Right and your leg bounces up and down all the time. You don't know what side you're going to catch and I try to keep it level. I try to go out on that level thing. And again, it takes waking up in the morning a little earlier, thinking about my day, having a path for the day. I don't like my path broken. Don't call me 11 o'clock with some mind fuck that somebody forgot to show up, show up yet one. Right. Because it's just not, those things don't work for me anymore. Right. You know, it's,

and then the blow, the blow didn't help that blow. You were self medicating. I don't even know what that means. Well, because I like the way you smoke pot. It's like, I think we find ways to regular, regulate ourselves in some work and some don't. In the back of my mind, I know that there's a corner that actually thinks if I don't smoke pot for like 15 days, I will stab somebody. Yeah. I think I'm over that level of it now, you know. But when I was younger, that's what I felt. Then I got locked up and it proved to me that I could go without weed. Yeah. And then it made life a lot easier. So now there's days I won't smoke. There's days I do smoke. I like the edibles, you know, but I know that that has to affect you

somewhere, especially these fucking edibles. Yeah. These edibles, definitely it's a different high. And I always feel that the reason why I never really did, you know, I never really juiced big time or fucking took, you know, pills because I know that you pay for everything. Yeah. Nothing is free. Right. You know, you might take testosterone. I'm going to last forever. Nothing is free. They're going to come up with something that it affects, you know. So I just, I know I have something. I just don't know what it is. What do you think it is? You think it's mania? I think it's maybe a little mania with what the soldiers have. PTSD? Yeah, I worry about post-traumatic stress. I worry about all you guys. I worry about my

friends when they drive. I don't like my friends. Like if I live close to you, when I come home from the county, so I would drive by your house. Yeah. I'm that guy. Right. You know, I just found out where Lee lives and I drove by there twice. I dropped him off. So now when I go down that corner, I look. Yeah. I worry about people. When I go to bed at night, I get thoughts in my mind that are horrific. Yeah. You know, I call Lee, whenever we doing edible, Lee, how many times I call you after I leave here? At least twice. Because I don't want, you know, not on my time. Yeah. I've been at a basketball court playing basketball with you until six o'clock. Orson, you go home for dinner. I go home for dinner. Next day I go to school. You died in the middle

of the night. How did that happen? Right. So that affected me. So you feel like you're the cause of things? No, no. I feel that life changes within a minute. So I always want to give you a hug. I always want to check on you. Right, right, right. I never take life for granted. I know that, you know, I hate when people are, I'm even scared now. In my older age, I'm scared of night driving. Like when I come home from the, from the last factory of the economy store, I stop at the lights now. I make sure nobody's taking fucking red lights. You know, those are the times to fucking, you don't know, you leave your house going to do a spot. Next thing you know, some guy fucking rear engine, you're in the hospital, guys. You know, Tracy Morgan,

you think he was thinking about? Right. I think of those things. Yeah. I think of those things. And having a kid makes those things more intense. Oh, with the baby now. Oh, with the fucking baby, it's because I wouldn't know what to do. I wouldn't really know what to do. I wouldn't. I couldn't handle it. That's what I can't handle. I can't go. When I had my first daughter, I couldn't go to the doctor with her because when he would shoot it with a needle, I want to strangle her. I can't deal with none of that stuff. None of that stuff. You know, I didn't really talk to my daughter from she was the age of maybe 15, but part of me is happy because I can't deal with that stuff. I can't deal with that girl stuff. I can't deal with her having a boyfriend, the boyfriend pushing her one

night. I don't deal with that too good. That's the end of your fucking call. Yeah, that's it. The other day I read on Twitter that some father, a girl, some guy raped a girl. Yeah, in India, this guy raped a girl. Invited for dinner. He, the guy, the father invited him for dinner, fed him, and then burned his balls and killed him. That's me. No fucking doubt about it. I'm the type of guy that if somebody does something to leave a kid, that person's done it in my book. I won't even tell Lee. I won't even tell Lee. I have that Iceman quality. I can't. I think of my daughter a lot. I think of my daughter, my wife, go out swimming or something. I always worry because I don't have that. Do you get overprotective at the park because she must have had to beef some

people? Oh yeah. I love animals. I love animals. But I tell people all the time, put that fucking dog on a leash. I look at him straight in the face and I go, there's a leash thing. Put that dog on a leash. And there's a guy in my neighborhood that has a pippo. And I had to go outside the day one day and go, look at it. One day that dog's gonna do something. And I'll tell you what, it's gonna be a sad day for everybody. It's gonna be a sad day for everybody. You have no idea. Put that fucking dog on a leash. I'm asking you as a fucking man. Put that fucking dog on a leash. I go to this park, you know, these fucking Gentiles. They think they're cute and they have those little dogs. Those little dogs bite. Everybody has a bad day. You can have a bad day. I can have people

have a bad fucking days, man. Put that fucking dog on a leash. I'm gonna tell you one time, because that dog comes over here. I'm gonna punt them. And then you're gonna get mad and I'm gonna call the cops. And when the cops are on their way, I'm gonna get mine. And I'm gonna punt you. I'm gonna fucking punt you before the cop gets here. So don't make the fucking mistake. I'm dead serious. I mean, I get pissed. I'm by the fucking rules. You know, I have a dog. I fucking walk him and pick up his shit. That's why I don't have a fucking dog. Because I don't want to walk 10 miles and wait for the dog to shit. And I'm definitely not gonna pick it up. So let's just fucking shake hands and part friends. I won't get a fucking dog. I'll get a cat and scrape the

little box like some guy looking for chains at the beach. It's the truth, man. Yeah, I don't have fucking time for this shit, Lisa. Yeah, I fucking get pissed. What about like little kids? Like if a kid pushes your daughter, are you like, uh, my daughter's a little bit of fucking a gorilla herself. So I'm already how will she she's 20 months, but you can see what direction she's taken. Yeah, I could see already, you know, and I love it for it. Nobody wants that kid to get pushed around. But I could see when we go to certain things and she'll take something from a kid and the kid will look at her and the mercy is like, you don't want to take it, bitch. I don't want your fucking toy. I got a different fucking toy. I've seen her do that. But I've also seen her push a little

kid. I've also seen her push a little girl at the slide one day because he got on the slide. She just pushed somebody's got to make a cartoon of Joey Diaz's daughter like a comic strip like McGilligarilla, but it's your daughter just at the playground, not taking shit from kids. I'm done. You have no idea. I have no patience for that stuff. And I really see what the parents are like nowadays. I really see that, you know, for years, everybody are blamers on the children can't blame the children. They get that shit from their fucking parents. Age 11 is my cutoff for when it's the kids fault. It's not the kids fault till he's 11, zero to 11. The parent is a fucking asshole. It's a problem. And I've seen it. I've seen it now

that I'm around children, I'm around their parents and how they act, especially up in studio city, Halloween the other night, I volunteered to give away candy because it was humid out and my knee was swelling up and I didn't want to walk around a lot with. So I walked to the baby a couple rounds and I said, honey, you just take the kid and I'll just sit here. I had kids come up to me. No, excuse me. We do not want candy. We want water. Yeah. I wouldn't give it to them. They wanted water. You'll die of dehydration. I got no water for you. This is candyville. It's Halloween. You learn that from this douchebag. This douchebag right here is the one that made you, well, I'll take water. That kid's dying inside because every kid wants fucking candy.

Right or wrong. Who wants water when you're a kid? You know, I got a thousand tootsie rolls and I came home with 16 waters because you're a fucking jerk off. You could buy a case of them for $5. One night of the year you can get to tootsie rolls. Water, any fucking time. Two little douchebags are taking things for UNICEF. Yeah. And you can see the parents are like, oh, isn't my kid great? No, your kid's a scumbag and you're not a salesman because I would take candy and say, are you going to be here on Tuesday, Mr. Diaz? I like to talk to you about a business proposition. I'd set up the meeting for Tuesday. You dumb fuck. That's what you do. But your kids are dummy and you're a fucking dummy for not teaching them salesmanship. Obviously you never sold

a nickel bag in your life. You're fucking. Unbelievable, Lisa. They got no fucking class, these Gentiles. Meanwhile, they got a BMW convertible and they go to coffee and they drink soy milk and almond joy, but they got no fucking class and they're dumb fucks. Whatever that fucking milk is that they drink, it's got no fat. It's almond joy. Get the fuck out of here. I grew up on whole D and you want to give out fucking almond milk. The fuck out. When does it end with you fucking momo? When does it fucking end? We can give my kids some change. That's what it ends, Mr. Diaz. No, I didn't even ask for money. I'll give you a dollar, but if you buy water, I will break that fucking water bottle on your head. You understand me?

Take this dollar and go buy a joint, buy something. Buy a fucking steal a pill from your parents. That fucking retard behind you with the face. This is my kid, Brady, who's taking donations because he's a fucking jerk off and you're a fucking jerk off. It's Halloween. Nobody takes donations. Give the kids fucking whatever units. Give them candy. Send them non-chocolate, fucking candy. Let me read some ads and we'll get the fuck out of here. It's over. It's over. Can this people keep texting me? Where are you? What do you fucking think I am? We are filming tomorrow morning. Go fuck yourself. I don't give a fuck about you people. Leave me alone. Look at this. 12 text messages. Like I give a fuck. And I want to answer one of them. That's

the beauty of it. I erase them all. I don't even give a fuck. Go fuck yourself. There you go. I hope they're watching right now. I hope they're watching. They can suck my dick in. Over on camera. I just realized we're on camera this whole time. I don't give a fuck. Camera, no camera. Am I Donald Sterling? I don't give a fuck no more. Let me read some ads. We'll get it. Honest, you motherfuckers. You want to be the best. You want to be the fucking best. Then you got to eat the best. You all would you eat. Honest got the best shit crackle acting. You understand me? They got the alpha brain. Tremendous. Neutropics, you start thinking. You're focused. You fucking know what the fuck you want. You

write your goals. Alpha brain. That's where it starts. If you like the alpha brain, there's a money bag guarantee 100%. You don't have to send it back. We don't give a fuck. That's how much we know you're fucking like it. They got this new oil they got. You're putting your smoothies. Coconut oil. MC100. Go look at that by Honest. Honest got fucking cutting edge revolutionary shit to make you a better bad motherfucker. Who doesn't want to be a bad motherfucker? You. Everybody wants to be a bad motherfucker. Go to honest.com. See what the fuck you like. Check it out. Put it in the box. Press in church. Get 10% off. Cox up this. Not 15, not 7. 10% off. I'm giving you tonight. Honest.com. Tell them Uncle Joey sent you. They got everything. They got the shroom text for more

endurance. Right now you're going to be on planes. Nobody wants Ebola. You pop three fucking shroom text. Ebola is not in your future. You eat some black crackle. You take three shroom text. No doubt. Even the hip can't get you. You know what I'm saying? All right. Go to honest.com and press in church. Church you bad motherfuckers. Get 10% off. I got two words for you people. You ready? Come here. Listen. Free snacks you fuck. That's what I'm talking about. I'm giving you a chance tonight to get free snacks every Wednesday night. Why are you fucking around? Drop the candy bar you fat fuck. You're going to be anemic and you're going to cut off one of your fucking feet because you're eating candy bars. Go to fucking who do you go to?

Nature box. Box.com and get delicious free snacks for free. Nature box. Get hundreds of snacks. And I'm talking about fucking delicious. Look at me. I'm foaming in the fucking mouth. That's how they got zero artificial ingredients, zero trans fats, and zero fructose, fructose corn syrup. Guess what? I don't give a fuck. You understand me? I'll eat Oreos. I'll eat whatever. But you shouldn't because nature box. I hear you. Nature box.com you fuck around. You even fight snacks with a low in sugar and they don't have gluten. So every afternoon instead of being a fat fuck and going to the machine and buying some candy bar. Fuck that shit. Go to naturebox.com and get a box sent to you for free or sampler pack. Nobody does that in the fucking industry.

That's how much they believe in their fucking snacks. You think I'd be here talking to you like this? If I didn't believe in nature box.com, go right now to the box and press in. Joey, you could do this at naturebox.com or go to joeydears.net. Take your fucking choice. I don't give a fuck. Anyway, go to naturebox.com right now and give nature box a try. I'm done. I'm giving you this chance right now to go give them a try for free on the arm. I don't even think you pay for fucking shit. But you don't go to naturebox.com and press Joey. There you have it. All right. One other thing. I went to jujitsu today. I went to jujitsu and then I went home and my wife had to go somewhere so I had to watch the baby. I couldn't take a shower. Then I went in the

bedroom and had to empty two boxes that got sent to me from Miami. I had to clean up the things. Then I took a shower. I noticed something. When I took my fucking shorts off, my balls were fucking dry, fresh, delicious. You know why? Why? Me on these.com. Oh, shit. I heard about this. Tremendous. It pulls the moisture from your nutsack. Your asshole has a little wang to it. That's not going to change. No underwear is going to change the wang in your asshole. But your nuts are going to smell fucking tremendous. You know how long men used to carry their underwear for seven years? You guys walk around with skid marks, blood stains, little crab fucking nest. Fuck that shit. Go to meondies.com. That changes tonight. They got tremendous men underwear.

I got meondies on right now. My nutsacks are fucking floating. It's like they got hypnotized. I'm telling you right now. Go to meondies.com. Why are you fucking around? Guess what we give them this month? 20% off. Right. And free shipping to Canada and the United States. Meondies also has women clothing, women underwears. That fucking little muffle looks tight. It pulls that moisture from the monkey. You ever got to eat the monkey in the morning and set that little dew on it? Never again. They put meondies on at night. You hit that little monkey. It's fucking dry like a bagel. You know what I'm saying? Go to meondies.com and press in and get 20% off and free shipping to Canada and the United States. Who's better than you? For you motherfucking oil and wax people.

I'm going to go see these guys Friday night. They come into the show. NailedItLife.com. They got t-shirts. They got little key chains. But what they specialize in is the fucking wax pen. It's $50. You get 20% off. You get the wax pen. Sent to your house for $40. Something happens. It's the best wax pen out there. You can smoke bazookas on the fucking plane. You can do whatever the fuck you want. Nobody will know. Go to NailedItLife.com. See what they got to offer you, but make your fucking selection today. That's the best wax pen on the market. East Coast Word, Joe Ideas. That's right. You get 20% off today. And next week I got a surprise for you people. I'm going to hook you up with some fucking Iron Dragon TV. That's next week.

I'll let you know all about it. Next week for your Roku with the issue. Martial art films, tremendous. The one-armed swordsman. Five fingers of death. Anyway, I love you, I know you got to leave. Thank you very much for coming and meant the world to me, brother. Thank you for having me, man. It's a pleasure. I hate to be coming at six because I know you were full of fighting traffic. No problem. Totally worth it. But you've got to benefit at the Laugh Factory. And I love you for doing this. This is a great podcast. A lot of energy, Lee. How you feeling? I'm good. What, what, you have a podcast, right? Oh, Fitzdogg Radio. Fitzdogg Radio. What podcast? A couple of days a week. We're low class. He's the real deal.

He's got a studio. There's white people working for him. They bring your water. They rub your feet with nothing. It's me and you running this show. He's got people working. They call him Mr. The fuck. They call him Monsieur. They validate parking. They validate parking. These are real white people. They don't fuck around. They got a Mexican in the lobby that tells you a floor to go up, sign your name right here. That's the only English you know to sign right now. I love you guys. Stay black. Where you at? You working on the road? Your home? Yeah. Fitzdogg.com for some dates. I got Houston coming up and I don't know. It's all on there. Denver. Nice places. I'm going to be in San Francisco at the punchline this weekend rocking it out.

Fucking Iron Dragon TV will be there. Lee's going to be home this weekend with the Mexican chick that's all over. She lists 15 minutes away. He's going to tie her up and put Viagra in her muffler. It's all fucking over. I'll be in Healy in Portland next week and the week before Thanksgiving I'll be in Philadelphia when you motherfucking savages smoke and dope now that it's fucking three criminalized. I love you guys. See you in San Francisco this week. Stay black. Thank you, Greg. One more time. I love you flying Jew. You know, I love you. Check out flying Jew radio this week. He's making things happen. He's got a sale on t-shirts and Yamakas t-shirts. Yes, no Yamakas yet. Now that the show's over, don't forget to go to naturebox.com and sign up to get

your free, sign up to get your free nature box sample box. Fuck. Oh, great tasting healthy snacks. Forget the vending machine and start snacking smarter with delicious treats like barbecue, kettle kernels. Go to naturebox.com slash joey. That's naturebox.com slash joey. Also go to meatundies.com and use code word joey to get 20% off of your first order of men's and women's underwear. And right now, when you use me, when you go to meatundies.com slash joey, they're going to give you free shipping in the United States and Canada. Go to onnet.com and use code word. You can send all this shit. I know. We have to say it again. Three times in a show? Yeah.

Use code word church to get 10% off of your order. And for all the oil and wax smokers out there, go to neldintlife.com and use code word joey to get 20% off. Thank you. I don't know why the reason and no one's so late. Children love the season of the late. Sorry. I'm so sorry. Sorry. The man is lonely. Now he's blown it up and down. And it has the oldest. Now we did it on job. And now they say it's nobody's fault. Oh, say no lies. Seven years ago. Showing up now with us. Red lines come and go. Oh, the man will courage. Listen with their ears.

Spoken out of the scourge. And when no one really hears. One of these days that you'd be sorry. 20 hours on a spilt. Three million years of just the story. For the flow up through the hill. I don't know why the reason and no one's so late. Children love the season of the late. Oh, sorry. I'm so sorry. Sorry. The man is lonely. Now he's blown it up and down. And it has the oldest. Now we did it on

job. And now we're just a little too late. Oh, sorry. I don't know the desire. Mine is too early. And the fingers on fire. A shit pile of misery. California's just dying. Five o'clock for the news.

Everybody's caught the fire. Take a look. Sorry. I'm so sorry. Oh, sorry. The man is lonely. Now he's blown it up and down. And it has the oldest. Now we did it on job. And now we're just a little too late. Oh, sorry.