Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #230 - Joey Diaz, Bryan Callen and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: November 13, 2014

Bryan Callen, Comedian and Host of The Fighter and The Kid Podcast joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Nature Box. Visit Naturebox.com and use promo code Joey for a free trial box Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by mentioning the Church. Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/joey for 20% off. Recorded live on 11/12/2014. Music: Led Zeppelin - Dazed and Confused Rick James - 69 Times

This show is sponsored by NatureBox. NatureBox ships great tasting healthy snacks right to your door. Forget the vending machine and start snacking smarter. Yes, I do it like this. Let me do the NatureBox. All right, do it. Hey, everybody, listen up. This is this show is sponsored by NatureBox. Okay, you want, you want smart snacks? If you're hungry, you can go to the vending machine, go ahead and get your high fructose, trans fat, garbage, or you can break into a box of nature with NatureBox. You can get five bags, 10 bags, or 20 bags. And 20 bags normally, when they ship it to your door, would cost, I don't know, $50,000, $60,000. What do you think, Lee? About $60,000? About $60,000. Yeah, exactly. Well, guess what? Try 49.95. How's that sound?

And it's free right now. Hell yeah, it's free. You will give you a free double. If you listen to Joey Diaz's podcast, they will give you literally five bags for free and they'll deliver it to your door, okay? Like doctors. Like doctors, they say. Like doctors. Cold word Joey. And what would you tell them about Onit.com? Onit.com? Here's the bottom line when it comes to Onit. I use their products. I use their kettlebells today. They got crazy good battle ropes. Look through the catalog. You get everything there. Everything there is the highest quality. I am an Onit user. And I'll go further. I went to Alaska with Joe Rogan. What'd I bring? I brought my hemp force protein bars. And I brought my warrior bars. Was I hungry the whole time? Never. Hell,

no, I wasn't. Thank you. On it. Because I'm on it. You look at my body, right? You go, oh, wait, Brian, you're 47, but you play 37, right? Yeah. You know why? Because I take Onit and I use their products. And you use code word church to get 10% off. I use Onit. I ain't getting no younger, but I ain't getting the bully either. That's how you do a commercial. Do you want underwear, Brian? Yeah, you got to just read it with feeling. No, no. Do you wear underwear? Sometimes. You know what you should be wearing? I wear a testicle cinch. Me on these.com. The best. What are those? They're tremendous. They have tremendous underwear. Your balls don't sweat. They have women's underwear too. Sexy women's underwear. Me on these. Me on these. I don't

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get 20% off of your first order on top of the free shipping at me on these days. I got a European physique, so I'll be a customer very soon. That's how it would have described you as European. I hear it all the time. And you used code word Joey. Remember never trusted you that's giving you something for free. That's what they did to G. That's how they got Jesus. They conned the man. Then this one isn't free then. So you might know that, Brian, you might know that Joey likes edibles. No, I know that. I know Joey is an edible connoisseur. The first thing he said when I walked in, he said, you want an edible? That's right. I'm going to eat a fucking. You know what else he likes? He likes vapor pens. He likes vapor pens

because he smokes oil. He smokes wax. Go to naileditlife.com. They have the best vapor pens on the market. Code word Joey D is you get 20% off. You need that whole thing. That's a big edible. And they also make these. I already had one. I'm fine. The best. Those gummies are monos. They also do that. 250 milligrams of fucking death. Look, I cut them right down the middle of those teeth. It's 13,000 dollars in the dentist yesterday. Incredible. So use code word Joey D is you're gonna get 20% off of the best vapor pen on the market. And we'd like to welcome Iron Dragon TV. Go check them out on Roku. They have a ton. Any martial arts movie you want to rent? They have it. Oh, down the end, child, young fat, young man, the Tai Chi zero classics.

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The Churchill is happening now. Wednesday, November 12th, you bad motherfuckers. Slingin' dick and giving out bubblegum, baby. Rick James. Old school. Crank that motherfucker, Lee. Crank that motherfucker, Lee. Look at this edible. It used to be an edible. Lee, that's the funk one. Give me the one with lyrics, cocksucker. That's the music I fucked. Okay. Give me something with lyrics. Well, how about this? I'm going to give you what we were supposed to start with and then for the end, I'll get lyrics. All right. You're slipping. There it is. Little classics. What else are you going to do?

Sit there like a fucking moron and watch TV and scroll through the channels. The Churchill, what's happening now? Coming at you from the depths of fucking hell tonight. North Hollywood. Are you kidding me or what? Rip out that bong. It's over. It's over. You got a half and that'll believe it. You got heroin. You might as well get this weekend started early. Shit, this stuff sounds like kind of stuff you smoke opium to. Brian Cowan's in the house tonight. Yeah, baby. What's the story, Lee? Nothing. Well, you've been on there. What do you mean, nothing? I don't know. I went to the gym, had a good day. What's up? What else is crackle like when you

had Jordan Lee over for to record a podcast? That was a lot of fun. He's a nice guy, Jordan Lee. He's a great guy. And that's, I mean, that's all I did. What do you do today? I did a bunch of shit. I went to Jiu Jitsu. I drove up and down the fucking hill. I took my daughter for a walk in her little car. Then I went home and almost strangled my wife, you know, regular fucking day, right or wrong on a Wednesday. By Wednesday, you want to strengthen your wife. What's the secret to making a relationship work? Love. There's no love. It's a verb, right? Love is kind of an action, right? I mean, you got to take the actions, maybe. I don't know. It's amazing. I got married when I was younger

and I didn't have an idea what marriage was. I thought it was you got married to get laid and somebody to do your laundry and you worked all the hours in the world. Well, nobody teaches you that shit, right? Nobody. There's no manual for it, right? It's like you kind of thrown in. I read this thing about how men and women from almost every culture stop playing boys and girls stop playing with each other about the age of six. So they exclusively play with each other like just same sex. And then by the time you're in college, that's when you shack up with a girl, maybe or even after. So all of a sudden you're living with somebody and you haven't been spending any time unless you got older sisters or something. But for the most part, they are aliens to you.

And now you're living with them and they think and they see the world in a completely different way. I broke up with a girl for sleeping through Raging Bull. Like, I couldn't understand why she sleeps through Raging Bull. I was like, well, we don't have anything in common. I'm out. But, you know, that doesn't make any sense now that I know now I know how different men and women are. Of course, she slept through Raging Bull. I broke up with a chick that she was a drug counselor. Same fucking difference. I'm trying to get high. She's trying to talk to me about fucking not getting high. That's a tough relationship right there. Yeah, it is. That's a true story. How did you not know she was a drug counselor? Yeah, I know. I told her I smoked dope. That's it.

No, you know, so dating heavy, heavy. Next thing you know, I got dead dick. I got white rings around my nose. He's going to notice something. That's what she does all day. That's just weird. It's tough to you got to put a lot of effort in. You know, you have to put a real lot of effort and I put a lot of effort in with my wife, you know, and I put time in at the house, which is very important. I can't be. I used to be a renegade. Who wants to be home? No, it was the same way. Who the fuck wants to be home? And then you hook up with a woman, you fall in love with them and you're still half a renegade. I had a guy, two people tell me very valuable advice. One was they said, how do you define love? I was like, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. And he said, I'll tell

you how to define love. He's older than I was. He said, it's love is when somebody's happiness is more important than your own. And then he said, and here's another piece of advice. Learn how to fight. Learn how to fight. In other words, learn what not to say in a fight, have boundaries in the fight. You can fight, you will fight, but there's a way to fight where it causes lasting damage. And then there's a way to fight where you know, you can complain, but don't insult. That was valuable for me, man. Because I didn't know any of that. This is a girl I met, wrote a play. She sent me the short film that she had written and directed. And it was on a date. The dude was such a douchebag. And I was like, this guy's a fucking douchebag. Guess what?

That dude was me. And she based the guy not only after me, but used the lines I used on her. And I called her up and I was like, I'm sorry, man. I was a shithead. She was like, nah, you were just young. You didn't know. I called her a thoroughbred. I called her like, it was all about me. I was talking about me the whole time. And then I was like giving her advice on how to fix herself. She was fucking smarter than I was and a better person. But there I was to know it all. It's amazing when you get a little older and you look back at your relationships and what made them fail and the dumb things you said or you did or why they left or why they didn't leave. Well, I was also attracted to crazies.

I was also attracted to the drug addict in the corner, track marks. You know what I mean? Like I like, I like damage, bro. I came in as the white knight on my horse. I'll fix you. You're from a good family over there now. You stay over there. You're sad. Let me check out the chick with no father on the pole with the track marks and the bat tattoo to her face. I'm the guy. Let me fix you. I'll move you to my house. I'll go to fucking hell for two years and then I'll leave. Leave the house with you. I used to drive Rogan crazy. He used to go nuts with me. He pulled his own hair out and he'd be like, what the fuck are you doing? But whatever, I had to go through my thing. It's amazing how you look back and you were a shithead like me.

I'm talking. You did do things when you were younger. That was just, I dumped a girl because she had no mom. But it came back to me in the end because it was the creepiest thing I had ever heard in my life at that time. At that tender age of 13, I went to a house dying to dry hump her and suck her titties because that's all I was going to get. And I asked her where her parents went. She told me her father was like a bus driver. And I go, where's your mom? And she goes, my mom died of childbirth. And I couldn't even think of swapping spit with her after that. Why? It took me about a week to go back down there and put it behind me. And then when my mother died three years later, that's the first thing I thought about as I was walking to the

street to call the ambulance. Like that was like God punished me for turning my back on because I didn't understand that. I didn't comprehend how somebody could go through life without a mother. It baffled me in the eighth grade baffled me that she was hot. This girl was really fucking hot. She was Irish. She had red hair. She had big tits. She let me suck her neck and suck her tits in the winter time. It takes a certain type of woman to let you suck those titties outside in the winter and shit in January after a basketball game. Oh, is this in New York? This is in Jersey. I suck a tits like behind the church in this little fenced area. She would let me suck a tits and I would suck them for like 15 minutes and go into this fucking tits sucking

thing. And then you walk home with that hard dick and you're confused. Oh, it was fucking horrible. And I'd walk home, but during the week, I'd go over there and dry hump her. And she let me dry hump her and get all red in the face. Oh my God. I remember those moments so well. You do. You really do. The first time you finger a girl and I would smell my finger, I wouldn't wash it for a long time. Oh shit. And I'd be like, bro, smell my finger. That stuff is real, man. When you're a kid, those smells bubble gum and perfume and all that stuff. The smell of a woman was so intoxicating. It was beyond. I mean, that sensation you chased the rest of your life. Who was the first person you fell in love with? A friend's mom? A friend's sister? The first girl I ever fell in love with.

The first girl I ever fell in love with was my girl when I was 13. And that was in Saudi Arabia, but she was American. And I dated her for a year. I was the first girl. But having said that, I met a girl when I was 11 for an hour at a restaurant. And there was a picture of her that we had taken that my parents had taken of me and her. And I used to stare at that picture because in my mind, that was the first girl I ever loved. Kids are so pure. I was in love with that girl, man. I mean, for whatever that meant for me. In my mind, it took me 15 minutes to fall in love with that girl. There's that saying, I don't know who came up with it said it takes, it takes five minutes to fall in love. Love and the rest is denial. And then there's another saying says

people get divorced after 20 years over what they knew about the person in the first five minutes. And I think that's, I think there's a lot of truth to that, you know? Yes, there is. And I think that as you get older, like I was truly in love at 14 and truly in love at 18. There's no question about that, man. I mean, all in, bro, all in. And by the way, I'll go, I'll go and and when I was 20, same thing. And then, then you start, you know, you start fortifying a little bit, you got a wall, you got to have, you got to have some snipers on the wall, man. It's really weird, the women you end up with at a certain time in your life that you look back and there was no love. You ended up with them because of the situation at hand. When I was maybe

11 or 12, I went to Miami and I held hands with some girl, Natasha and me and my cousin talked to them. And I remember going back to New York and looking at her picture and kind of being in love and talking to them on the phone. It's like at the first phone bill that my mom almost broke the fucking phone over my skull. It was like a $21 phone bill. She lived in Miami and other than New York. In those days, it wasn't no 10 cents a fucking minute. And then when I was 13, I was swept off my feet totally. I mean, to the point where you can't fucking focus. That's right. Maybe 12 couldn't focus. And it was the scent of a pussy that drove me. And I'm not saying this in Joey Diaz where I'm saying this. It wasn't even her pussy. It was the scent of

that I was going to get her pussy that drove me the perfume, the smell of her hair. Something, something drove me crazy. And I mean, guys, I was always a great student. I had psychological problems and I like to yell in class. And, you know, we all like to go to shop right and steal bubblegum, whatever the fuck. You know, I was a good kid, but I never had problems with grades. That's one thing that that's a staple. I just figured it out early on. I translated from not knowing English and learning English for myself. I knew you had to put work out. Oh, so English is not your first language? No, I'm Spanish. I'm Cuban. So it was just really weird that I fell in love with this girl. I mean,

I was all in. Like you said, I was in. I couldn't be off the phone with her. She lived across from me. You know, she would come over after school and I'd dry hump her. I mean, I remember the first time she let me suck her tits. My stepfather found her in a closet with no shirt on. They told my mom, you know, it was two families were starting a feud. The brother didn't like me. It was that point, you know. And then we were forced to break up, but it was too fucking late. I loved her. And then I went to summer school and I failed out of summer school. So I got left back. It was fucking traumatizing till this day. I got left back for a piece of pussy. I got left back for it's a horrible feeling. And that's why I turned to basketball at that young age.

But that's that was a love that that fucking held me for years. You know, do you think the death of your mother affected how you how you related to women after that? I don't know. After that, after the death of my mother, it's funny you say that because I started relating to women as they were going to save me. I had two girlfriends that I basically got pissed off at because I wanted to be saved. I want them to hug me at night and feed me. But the problem was these two girls were 21. They wanted to snort Coke and suck dick. So my little fantasy went out the fucking window. Okay, they want to be quailers. You know, they were young fucking girls. Yeah, I was ready to get

married at 17 after my mom died. You understand me? Yeah, because I was ready for that security. Yeah. So I was waiting for a woman to save me. And when one didn't save me, I just went on a fucking day after 84 after 21 or 22 or something. I stayed single for two or three years to 85. Yeah, I did. I stayed single. Those two relationships. I knew I wasn't going to be a relationship type of guy. I knew nobody was going to save me unless she was 40. Yeah, and she was desperate. Nobody was going to fucking save me. So I was like, fuck, I'm just going to go out there and I had a good time. I hooked up with a couple of stores. This is, you know, you get the sex you need. I was never a sexual deviant. I never left the house going, I'm going to go get pussy tonight. No, my first

thing was the addiction. Then if I bump into pussy and I got enough Coke left over for maybe I did blow for a long time. Yes. And I was younger. So it really, then I got married. Then I met this broad in 1985. And we got along. In hindsight, do I fucking love her? No. No, it's such a shame. It was neat. Yeah. It was a whole she had. Yes. So nice. I think love, like I look back on the idea of love. And it was more of this, I needed to be the one that she loved. It was a competition. It was like a control factor. It was more like I just wanted to be the dominant creature in her entire existence. So in other words, like if she was hot, see, I would date slippery fish. I'd date girls

that I knew had a history with other men. And you know, they might step out on you. I like that kind of girl because that's a challenge. That's something I got. I got a defeat. And so once I let that go, you know, it was, it was all right. But that was a strong force in me, which was I had to confront. I didn't even do it through therapy. I never was a therapy guy. I just kind of, I don't know, man, I just like dirty bitches. I had a girl in 84 that was a filthy fucking animal. Are we best friends today? We're best friends today. She's a filthy fucking animal. Yeah. The guy that married is a great fucking guy. I loved them. They're on Facebook. I talked to her for five times a year. I see him for Chinese food when I go to Jersey. But she was the type

of girl that stepped out. Yeah. And after we broke up years later, she stepped out with fucking every I mean, but at the same time, I was getting my dick sucked. I was gonna say, I've always kind of respected a woman that wasn't hung up on. She just would follow her instincts. Look, man, I was that way. So it was very hard for me to be a hypocrite. One thing I hate being as a hypocrite. I, I, no matter how mad I am, I just try as hard as I can not to be a hypocrite, because that's the worst thing you can be in some ways. An imposter and a hypocrite, in my opinion. And, you know, look, it's very easy to say men and women are different. Usually, they are, by the way. But if I step out and I'm that guy, and I find a girl that steps out,

and I get mad what she does when I've been stepping out makes me a bad guy. But I did get mad. Oh, yeah. I tell the house. How dare you do this to me? To me? What the fuck is wrong with you? There's better dick out there than this guy. Shit. It's, it's, um, yeah. No, I didn't like the stepping out type of bitch, because that should get you killed in my world. That should get you glasses broke and motherfuck, you know, people go crazy over a piece of pussy. I mean, star 80. I have endless amount of stories. That's what Picasso said. Picasso said, man, does everything for a woman. Goes to war, fights bulls. Just fucking craziness. Yeah. So now you're fucking around with a person's livelihood, a person's woman. It gets into something else. And I had that. I had

that. So this broad, I had this, I caught it with a dude, you know, but at the same time, you know, years later, I found out this, this, this, this, but then again, I was with all her girlfriends. It was cocaine. Cocaine was disgusting and made people suck your dick while you give them a ride home. You know, nobody did. Nobody did a lot of blow and then their life got better. No, nobody. It was so disgusting. I think of those things now. And it was that whole town where I came from was disgusting because it's, we're in Jersey, North Bergen, which is right by. I live in Hoboken. Yeah. Yeah. So it's right next to no, in Hoboken. We used to hang out in Hoboken and they were all savages. Yeah. Those Jersey women, those Jersey guys, they're fucking savage.

Aggression in the air. Aggression. You know, you, if you ever watch the Jersey show, you can fight in a heartbeat. Somebody's cheating on somebody in the Jersey show. Somebody was talking to somebody at a bar. That's in the air. That's one game I did not like early on. I knew it gets people bit slapped and I don't want to die over a piece of pussy. And there's some tough guys. Those big, rocked out dude to show up at the bar. I would go to Hoboken. I'd go out. This is 91, 92. I'd go to the bar. I'd be the smallest, skinniest guy in that bar. It's just everybody's just, just big shooters. Galleria was the big club. I remember that. I broke the door there like three times for $400. One night home guys, I don't even want the

money. I don't ever want to be here ever again because it was not for me. Those guys were fucking your real estate. What did they do? I saw one night where a guy took a bottle broken and charged my buddy and it was like a kung fu movie. He took it, twisted them, banged them, cut them with it. Cops came, they dragged them by the feet. I thought you'd love that. No, no, no, no. There was a point in my life where I loved that. There was a one point where after I did time and shit, that was it. That no, no, no. I wasn't going to waste my time. Time cured you from that shit, huh? No, it wasn't that it cured me. It's that you see a different dimension. You see what could happen. You learn on the way here, I was, a friend of mine had called and said somebody had gotten

busted in Jersey for drugs and I was thinking to myself, my God, what would it feel like for me to be 51 and to get busted for moving seven pounds a blow or seven ounces a blow? He got caught moving seven ounces a blow, which is always a bad number right there. Somebody comes to you for seven ounces, something ain't right. Yeah. So, so what, how long did you, how long did you spend the band? Like 16 months, but this is a really interesting story that I was driving. I was thinking about how come I never, because I told you last week, I never got popped for drugs. Never. Before the kidnapping, never. And I moved and I handled shit. I was on plans with shit. I never got popped for them. I sold Coke. I never got popped for an undercover buy.

I knew people who were working me. There's a system they use, how they work you. Yeah. And I remember I got popped and when I got arrested, it was the first charge I got. Okay. So they were looking for me overnight. I know I kidnapped the guy on a Tuesday at one o'clock. They were looking for me after like 11 o'clock, the whole day Wednesday, they were looking for me the whole day Thursday. By Thursday, I started calling them up and fucking with them from two different pay phones downtown Boulder. There was an Albertsons and a Kmart Boulder, Boulder, Colorado. So they're looking for me in Boulder, Colorado for five felony counts. And it's set in the paper. There's an accomplice there on the lookout floor.

I'm on Lee Hill Road. I'm where Joe used to live. Lee Hill Road up there, hiding up there in the mountains. And I finally turned myself in blah, blah, blah. So this is, I turned myself in Friday at 11. When I get to the station, they try to debrief me, try to ask me a bunch of questions. I go back and forth with them. I tell them some bullshit. They hold back, but they go, listen, we have a problem. You did a kidnapping. Kidnapping is a federal offense. It's a capital offense sometimes. The feds are here to get you. Because at that time, there was other shit going on in Boulder. Some kid, some kid's car had been found in a parking garage and it was bludgeoned with blood. They never found the body.

Somebody had busted into some kid's house and he jumped off the window and he broke both his legs and the guy stole his blood. And now this, this was a drug related crime. So they kept saying they want a question. You say, it took me down to fucking Denver. It took me to a federal place where I sat for four days until they decided whether or not they're going to press charges on me. Then when they got all the information, it wasn't a kidnapping over state lines. So they said take them back to county. But in those three days, I got to Denver Friday night late. I was fucking starving. And they put me in this thing and I went and there were nice little cells you slept by yourself. But the next morning when I came out, I started talking to two dudes. There

was one dude. I started talking to a white dude. He had visitation. You know, my girl came to visit me. I went outside to talk to her and I looked around to see who was visiting. Oh, this guy had his parents there. They all had diamonds on his girlfriend had fucking diamonds on. So I started talking to a bunch of people. I got cozy to him. And I started asking him what had happened. And he told me that this started two years earlier. That he was a coke dealer, you know, his what he does for a living out of Aspen or whatever the fuck he was. And he was selling blood. But when some guy came to him and he was selling blood, but he goes at the time, this guy was shooting coke. So he would come over by a half a pound of coke and then ask me,

do you mind if I blast up? And he blasts coke, blasts coke, blasts coke. And he goes, I like blasting coke. And that's how I knew I gave him the fucking syringe. So I started shooting with him. He goes, there was a couple of times I even shared the fucking needle with him. Oh, shit. And he goes, one day the guy disappears. And 90 days later, I got a knock on my door. And I get arrested. And I can't figure out who it is and blah, blah, blah. And I go to the fucking thing when they go to charge me. Still as a witness, he couldn't figure out who he was. They go to the preliminary hearing. It's the fucking undercover cop. It's this guy who blasted coke nine months later. And he's telling his attorney tell him to pull up his sleeves. He goes,

the guy didn't even look like him like they had run him through a rehab. He goes, Joey, I knew what was in that thing. I put the coke in there myself. I saw him blasting the fucking coke in his veins. Damn. You know, listen, I know one thing that life isn't Miami Vice. Nobody's going to come to Lee, a smart Jew who's making 20 million dollars a year selling, blowing a boat. And I'm going to go, listen, I need to buy two blocks of coke. First of all, you're going to do a background check. A guy like you has an attorney that runs Brian through the fucking mill, runs him. If anything is wrong, let's say people, do you remember to live in Dyna LA? They went in the guy's luggage to make sure his clothing said Beverly Hills on it because they said they were from Beverly Hills.

I mean, they go through your shit. They go through your shit. They hire people. That's what they do. If I'm going to make a, if I'm going to fucking go into business with you, I'm like, oh, yeah, you're a friend of Brian's. Yeah, come on over. I'll sell you 55 fucking keys. Only in Miami Vice people come over and shake it up and test it. You're going to sell it to them unless they do that shit in front of you and fucking do it. And you see blood coming out of their nose and they shot somebody in front of you. That's the only way you're going to, I'm never known people who just sell it to you. Those little fucking people get arrested. Do they hire like former addicts to be or just addicts to be undercover cops? Because I can't imagine just a regular guy who went to

the police academy going and shooting up cocaine. Well, there's the fucking deal when the way to become a good add is to live that life. Yeah, you get thrown in it. You're interested in drugs. And they, the cops may not have known it. I mean, you know, you get, listen, man, those guys who are through a thrill, that's a thrill seeker undercover guys, those are thrill seekers, those dudes do crazy shit. So it's not surprising at all that they would really get into the life. They do, they do a dangerous job, man. They have to do it. When you see, let me tell you something, there's nothing more, there's nothing more fucked up than when you see him undercover cop. Yeah. When you put it together, you're like, God damn, fuck, he's right.

So then I got transferred to Boulder and in Boulder, I heard all the stories. Now, listen, anything that anybody tells you in the county jail, you rip it 50% down the middle. But you get paperwork. A lot of people sit with you, you become friends and they show you paperwork and they start telling you their story and you start putting them together one by one. It's the same fucking thing. It's amazing how they put cases together. Yeah. You have to come at you a couple of times to strengthen the case. They're not going to buy two ounces from Lee and the rest in the first time. They're going to string them together to make the case stronger against Lee. They've made multiple buys from you. It really is. Now, where does entrapment fall into

all that? What the feds are doing in New York City with the terrorists? What do you mean? And is it entrapment? That's the other thing. So I go into a mosque and after a week, I start dropping hints. I hate fucking Americans. I hate fucking Americans. I hate fucking Americans. Americans suck dick. And then some of you say, do you, are you correct? You don't like Americans? Yes. Come tonight to the Bronx to eight, eight, eight, eight, eight to say. That's a very good accent. And you go to the Bronx, come tonight and you go to the Bronx and have a very good voice in history. Or get there and they're building fucking bombs and how can I trust you, my friend? You know, and now you're agent. You're in there making bombs with them.

You're doing the whole thing. You're walking step by step. In fact, you get closer to them by offering stuff. I have your friend. He works at NASA. He steals the culture, just baboon, you know, to hold that. Now you're close to them. I would cast you in that role, bro. So boom, there you have it. Next thing you know, you're arresting them when they go to blow up the car in Times Square or one of the other things. That's a different, that's entrapment, but you're doing something for the U.S. Right. Entrapment would blow is, yeah, me coming to you and going, listen, I know where they get 10 pounds of coke for $18,000. Would you legalize blow? No. You wouldn't? No. Why? Look at these morons walking around just smoking reefer. Yeah. They're just smoking

reefer and they're walking around like fucking momos. Can you imagine? But don't people who want to do blow do blow anyway. It's pretty easy to get. No, it's pretty easy. You know, what we thought, wasn't it you that said to me that when you think about the tax they're adding to sodas? No, that wasn't me. Well, having 30 cents extra to get on the sodas, cocaine was 100 grand. Look where it got them. Pablo Escobar is one of the richest men in the world. Not because he sells cocaine for 20 grand, but 100 grand. I always say that cocaine was the biggest marketing genius of our time. Nobody's shortcoming, nobody, because everything was five dollars. It's an asset for four dollars. You get a nickel bag of weed. heroin was 10 dollars. Angel dust

was five. Everything was five dollars. Also, some fucking thing is heroin heroin. You can be an addict. You can be a heroin addict for 20 years before it devastates your life. You can be an alcoholic for 30 years before you lose everything. Blow is hard to keep going for a long time. Like blow can tend to be pretty devastating pretty quickly. Like if you're doing blow all the time, I would imagine you got a three, four year window before the shit really hits the fan. What do you say? Like it's pretty, it's hard to do much else when you're wired all the time. The only thing I have, whatever with you, the only disagreement I have with you is if you do heroin for 20 years, you have no repercussions. When you have any addiction, any addiction, every day,

you're not given life, you're all. No doubt. And I know this from my marriage now and my marriage before. But let's take a look at the fucking test. First time I did a blast of blow was October 79, a month before my mother died. Then I held it off till maybe December. I started doing a bump here, a bump there. And then once the 80s came, I just went, I was doing everything acid, blow, whatever. But it was basically acid. I didn't get into coke till maybe the winter of 80, 81. And that's when blow was everywhere. You see for weed stores now, and I was growing right with it. Why? Because people didn't really know how devastating it was in like 81. It was kind of no, it was still a marketing ploy that it was what rich people did. So cocaine classy drug,

right? cocaine. When you go to the last night, I went to the company store and tell them the lineup that we saw Neil Brennan, Sarah Silverman. Who else? Joe Rogan. He didn't go up. Gerard was there after you. Oh, David Spade was there. David Spade. I mean, you have these people as a comedian. When you walk into that room, you get elevated. You get elevated as a comic. When you did cocaine, it elevated you to the next level. When you walked out of that bathroom and everybody looked at you. I mean, fuck, bread, bread, fuck bread pit. That motherfucker came out of the bathroom snorting big time with two blondes. That's the dude I want to hang with. Fuck bread. That guy's a lot more fun. And girls want to fuck you. It was amazing. It made you

a different person than that. You went to a bar and everybody wanted to talk to you and ask you, how is it? And the cops weren't coming down on that shit then. They didn't know. Yeah. They didn't know. Nobody really knew what was going to happen. I kept that addiction going full to 85. And by the time I quit in 85, I was fucked up. Yeah. They said that the that the music renaissance that went on in the 60s and then carried over to the 70s with all these great rock and roll bands. And then what happened was they stopped drinking and smoking weed and they got into blow and they got into heroin and that killed the music. The moms and the poppers and all that, you know, there was that, I think it was the Haydashbury

festival, the Monterey rock and roll festival. And it just ended up killing guys like, you know, Tendrix and Janice Joplin and Jim Morrison. Well, wasn't weren't all like the great 70s musicians on heroin? Well, they a lot of them were because that's according to, I think it was Stanley Crouch was talking about the fact that a lot of those 70s musicians, they're heroes were the black blues singers and and like muddy waters and those people. And a lot of those dudes had drug issues. Now, there was a difference. You if you had a black man in the 40s, 50s, 60s who was doing heroin like Bird was like Charlie Parker was. Well, you know, that was because or Billie Holiday. That was because they were there's a lot of things going on, but you were black. There was

a lot of survival, survival guilt. You were trying to overcome something called institutionalized racism. Okay. So there were a lot of pressures. There were a lot of there was a lot of shit that went on when you were black, you know, and you couldn't vote and you were a second class citizen, etc., etc. We don't have to go into it. But then you had a bunch of middle class kids who were musically talented. Their heroes were all drug addicts. There was something very cool about that. So what you had is people like Janice Joplin and you had Jim Morrison and they were talking like their heroes. Hey, man, you know, you cats are all, you know, it was you could hear them, but they weren't doing it very well. It was very if you actually listen to them talk,

they weren't so cool. They weren't like, you know, the old time jazz musicians and they were subscribing to a drug problem. They gave themselves a drug problem. So there was a difference in terms of according to like, you know, certain people ever talking about it. There's there's a difference between trying to overcome something like oppression and then subscribing to something because you want to be cool and giving yourself a drug problem. Now, by the way, there's another quotient to that, which is when you start doing blow that shit feels really good. And some people just can't stop because they're wired that way. But one of the largest there's a guy named Nick Kenner wrote a book called The Dark Stuff. And he was a rock and roll journalist. And he documents

in the book how many talented motherfuckers like Lou Reed basically burned their talent out with the wrong drugs. It wasn't the weed. It was not even the booze. It was the fucking blow and the heroin that and it wasn't the acid. It was the blow and the heroin that destroyed so many talented musicians and killed them. It's a different angle. It's a different it feeds into somewhere different in your heart and your soul. When you do coke, the final result is you're by yourself. Tony Montana died by himself. Yeah, it's a coke. It doesn't make you a fun person to be around. And it goes it's to the first three years, you're getting your dick sucked. There's people over your dance would count. I love your dog. We're drinking. You know, oh my god, we call each other.

What are we doing? Nothing. Let's meet in the bathroom. Do a black, you know, it's a fun drug. And then you start pulling away. Yeah. And you start pulling away like when I watch the movie about porn with Marky Wolberg when he goes to the Spidey Boogie Nights. Boogie Nights when he goes to the guy's house and that guy's got the Chinese guy. Yeah, man. He's throwing firecrackers at him. How many places I went to at four in the morning to cop where a guy came out and we talked to you. And meanwhile, he would open the door in 15 minutes. And he'd have like, you know, his brother and some other guy fucking a 16 year old girl in there. And you're waiting to get a half ounce of coke. And he's talking to you hang out for five minutes,

you want a piece of ass? She's 16. We just picked her up. You know, when you're sitting there, you know, when you started doing blow, all you wanted to do was go do blow and get your dick stuck. Now you're at this fucking guy's house. It's got a 16 year old girl coaked up back there and three guys are fucking shooting pictures with it. You know what that feels like? You know, what it feels like to I was in Beaumont, Texas one time, I call this guy three in the morning, picked me up because I got to take it to a fucked up neighborhood. And we went back there and they were fucking those dog and fucking chicken things where they were fighting. Yeah, you know, cock fights. You know, it was fucking three in the morning. And there was 150 Mexicans there

gambling and shit. And did you realize it then that you hated it or was it just the drugs and looking back on you like fuck, that was fucked up. It's fucked up. You know, not so long ago, we were doing a podcast at four in the morning, you and I, six in the morning. And I went over to that 7-Eleven on Coenga. And there were two guys and the one guy was pimping a girl out to another guy for drug money. And this is at the 7-Eleven. And I'm watching this. And it brought me back to many years where I was just, all I want to do is get a grandma blow, Brian. That's all I'm gonna do. We'll sit down and this girl's gonna suck our dicks. You gotta watch. What the fuck are you talking about? You know, you know what, Lee Kuan Yew, who is the, who is the longtime prime minister

of Singapore, realized that Singapore was in the Golden Triangle. It was, there was Burma. There was, you know, there was all, all the opium was surrounding Singapore. And Lee Kuan Yew was like, you know, here's the thing, man, I want this country to be a first world country. This was a, it was a really hot, swampy part of the world. And he said, all right, here's how it's gonna go. No doubt that everybody's gonna start doing drugs. We're gonna have a drug problem because it's so easy to get. So he goes, all right, if you're caught, if you're caught bringing drugs into this country, I don't care who you are, I don't care what country you're from, you're gonna hang, you will hang. And, and there won't be a jury, there will be a judge that will look at the evidence,

you hang and you hang quick. And there are so many, so many stories of like Australian hitchhikers, backpackers come in, they got a bunch of opium that they wanted to sell in the States and they were gonna come to Singapore, they hung. The Kenyan grandmother who's selling blankets and trying to sell drugs as well, she hangs. And they were like, to Lee Kuan Yew, they said, Charlie Rose said, look, man, you know, there's no jury or anything. And he said, no, they hang. And he said, but you know, that seems so inhumane. He said, does it? We'd hang maybe four, maybe five people a year. How many lives are ruined in your country from drugs? How many children are homeless? How many children are orphaned? And he went through all the stats. And I got to say, man,

I was like, I was like, damn, the dude has a point, man, that if you've only got to hang five people and a whole bunch, a whole bunch of children have a home, I mean, I'm, you know, look, I believe in freedom. So it's a difficult thing. And I think drugs probably should be legal personally, because I'm a libertarian. But it was really interesting to hear a benevolent dictator, which is exactly what he was, kind of talk and make a case. And I was like, well, I don't know, I can see, I can definitely see, I can definitely see where he's coming from. And that if it's a small country like that, I don't know. I saw a headline today that just just weed being legal here in Denver and Oregon, it's killing Mexican cartels, like their profits are way down. Well,

weed should be legal, first of all. Yeah, of course. The idea that we've not legal and alcohol is is the craziest thing I've ever heard in my life. It's an old argument. But I mean, you get punched in the face by a fucking alcoholic, you're not getting punched in the face by somebody who smokes weed all the time. That's true. But my mom back in Boston is in her mid fifties. And every when I tell her smoke weed, she doesn't see a difference between that and heroin. That's because she's been brainwashed by a movement that started a long time ago, you know, that that was ignorant. It was reefer madness. It was, you know, hemp is bad, all that stuff. I mean, you know, it's it's a classic example of a misinformation campaign. But I think

if you went to them people in jail, and ruin lives because of that stuff, and I think it's bullshit. Well, I think if you went to them, it's a listen that's going to get rid of the cartels. I kind of agree with you, Joey, about legalizing like harder stuff like heroin and Coke. It seems like kind of dangerous. But for like smaller stuff, I think it gets rid of some of the evil. Well, it's not had a couple problems. I know, I know drug addiction from a couple angles. I know drug addiction from the numbing of pain. I know drug addiction from the excitement level. I don't like fucking working on movies, Byron County. Okay, I fucking hate working on a movie. I don't give a fucking Jesus is in a fucking movie. My dick gets hard when I go to the audition.

I'm right with you, baby. When I go to the audition, I see three guys that are actors, and I'm a fucking bum to learn how to act at the comedy store. And I go in there and smoke them. That's it. When they call me, they go do wardrobe. I'm like, oh, this sucks. You know how you make an act miserable? Give them a job. Give them a job. The same thing with blow. My whole thing with the blow wasn't doing the blow. It was copping it. Oh, yeah. It was the heartbeat. It was walking into that dark building. No, and nobody's gonna fuck with me. Walking past three black guys at the door that both of you would go. I don't know if I'm walking in that building. Guess what? I'm walking that building. And I'd walk to the second floor, knocking the door,

go in there, sit down and do a blast. Talk to them a little bit and walk back out. That's what made my dick hard. Getting back in the car and going back over the years. Just the danger. Just the whole thing. Just the whole thing. I was talking to somebody that asked me about prison. They said, when you were locked up, did you have an affiliation? Whenever we see people, they always have an affiliation. Right. I never had an affiliation. I always sleethe my way through it. I was like a snake. But I knew how to... You didn't gang up or any of that shit. No, I knew how to satisfy people's needs. It's either money or you hook them up in one way or the other. Were you in federal or pen? I was in state. I was in state.

That's no joke. So just a way to wheeze your way through life. We have a podcast that's independent. Everybody is pretty much mucked up with somebody. We're pretty much independent. One person has asked us to create a monopoly. We're like, no. But it's still the same fucking point. I've never been associated with nobody. But I had black guys that had my back. I had a couple white dudes that had my back. I had a couple Italian guys. I had a couple Mexican guys. So it all worked out because I worked in the kitchen. I was the stock clerk. So I had keys to a room that was off base. So you could get people stuff. I had steroids in there. I held stuff. So if you came to me and said I got a pound of heroin, put it under the rice.

Wow. They never had the dogs up there. It was like a known business. Everybody knew you didn't bring the dogs to the fucking store. Because everybody's getting the cut. Because the storage clerk runs the shit. How'd you get that gig? I had a driver's license. The guy got revoked. And I moved right in. I almost blew up the kitchen. They wanted me to make cinnamon buns. I was not a baker, but they made me a baker. I did not a fucking bake. And I was making these things. And they came out like flying saucers. And the kitchen almost blew up. So the guy was like, I want to quit. Because they hired you. That's the first thing they asked you, did you get hepatitis or whatever. You got hepatitis. No. Go talk to him. They got jobs in

the kitchen for you. So he looked at me. He was like a baker. Mr. Dyer. So he made me a baker. When I had failed as a baker, he gave me a different job. Like a dishwasher, slash something. You eat better too, right? Yeah. You get the top shit off the shelf. But I had a driver's license. So they made me a stockler, a combination. Pick the guys that you see picking up garbage. I'm the one that would take the garbage back to the jail, to the camp George West. So what I would do is, if you ever need anything, just take a mile walking on the side of a road. Excuse me. You'll be very surprised what you find. Then many people buy a gram of coke, do two bumps, and get paranoid, throw the coke out the window. So these guys would find wallets and money,

and drugs. Constantly they found drugs. On the side of the road. Where? Just down the highway? When you're driving. Yeah. Just on the side of the road. I remember 15 years ago, a comic came into the store from another state, and I came in with this, and I carry something, and he called me. He's like, hey man, we work together. You said if I was never gonna like, can you hook me up? And I go, sure. He goes, can you get me an eight ball? And I go, yeah, where are you standing? He told me, oh, you're right a couple blocks from El Compadre, I'll meet you there. Nice kid. He was like a feature actor, and his wife fed me. There goes that career. Hysterical. He bought the eight ball at like 9.30 at night, and I went home.

Do this guy call me at like 11 o'clock? Fucked up. And he's like, hey man, you gotta pick me up on the end of the eight ball. I said, I just gave you when he goes, it's a long story. And he did two bumps at El Compadre, and he got so paranoid. He threw it over a fucking fence. So he goes, I need it now. I need to get you another one. I got him another one. He spent 500 bucks. And he called me again. He goes, I dumped it. He used to get paranoid. And dump it. He dumped it. So when you were driving, did you have a guard in the van with you or the truck? No. So I would pick up the garbage. So the guys would go, Joey, hide this. So I put it under the garbage. So I would find like an ounce of a bag of weed with a little weed

papers. Let's say you got fucking blood on it or water. It doesn't matter. They would find little Coke bottles that were sealed, you know, and they would bring them in because they got searched. So did you ever try to escape or run away? Or why would I? Because you had a van. I don't know. If I was in prison, I had a van. Fucking escape. That's no, you're never going to stop running. And then they're never going to give you that thing. They're never going to give you that trust again. When you get revoked from mid level, they'll put you in high security for the night because you try to escape. That sucks, right? That sucks. So wait, so you were in mid level. Right. Because you, when you get classified, they classify you by a lot of things. Most

importantly is where you're working at the time of your arrest, what you got arrested for, you have a high school diploma, do you have a driver's license, you know, there's like seven or eight variables where you go into school. So as soon as I got sentenced, even if they gave me four years, I was eligible already for a halfway house because of my numbers. I was like a minus one. So, so, so with, so when, when you got murderers and rapists and all that shit, like those gangs, those white Arians and all that, where those guys are in their own area, they're in their own block. They have their own little areas. Like for example, let's say that the guys that hate fucking black people and Chinese people, whatever they are, the Arians, right?

They had a couple of areas I didn't get along with, but there was one dude, John Clark, that was my motherfucker's motherfucker. Really? He was tatted up. This guy was six foot four, not in the best shape of his life, or he had been throughout, but he'd light you up and everybody knew he would light you up. He liked me and I liked him. And he was some filly and we played ball together. He was, he's the first person that really started giving me meth. He would smuggle meth on Mondays and we'd have to leave the facility at night to go to another place to play basketball. So we'd get high. Me and him would do a couple lines of fucking speed. How'd he get meth? They throw tennis balls. Yeah, they do a bunch of things. So that was my, he was my one motherfucker.

And then in the kitchen, I became friends with a murderer. His name was Spencer Antoine. He's probably dead now. I've been fucking Facebooking him and Googling him and everything. Can't find murder. That guy just cold out murdered somebody. He was going to murder somebody at the camp. This guy did not play around. This guy did not play around. He had like a cockey and he was from New Orleans. He was from across the fucking way from a bad motherfucker. He was New Orleans has a long, a long history of murder. And he had murdered somebody before and voluntary. And this was the second one. But he paid this motherfucking attorney's shit. And I got him off from shit. And he used to, his name was chicken, chicken hawk, Antoine Spencer, chicken hawk. But he would

always ask me, Cuba, what time it is? Cuba, what time it is? What time it is? I always, He worked in the kitchen with you? He worked in the kitchen. He was tight with the guy that ran the kitchen. And there was this big dude from Buffalo named Etchy. And he had my back. So I had the black dudes. And then I had a crazy white dude that worked in the library. Damn. He had murdered his wife and a boyfriend that would cheat on him. And he worked in the library. This guy was maybe five foot six, very non-assuming. But I knew if this shit came down. He didn't say talk to anybody, but I would do acid with him. Wow. He didn't talk to anybody. But I would trip with him. And he'd have the keys to the library when we'd go. And then he'd show me books and shit.

He was the one that told me again to stand up comedy. Really? Yeah. So I had, and then I had this Mexican duo in there. That was an uncle nephew team that were in there. And the nephew was a fucking jackoff. But the uncle was a little older. And he had a burrito business. So I told him I had helped him with the fucking burrito business. He had tremendous burritos, green chili and mashed potatoes. In prison, he had burritos? Yeah, they would get him smuggled in. I'm gonna tell you something that a lot of people don't know about me. And here you go. I don't know how many people listen to the podcast. Would you go see me on stage inside? I told the word faggot around. And I never really had a gay guy come up to me and say anything, but I could see when they shake

my hand afterward. And I feel a little insecure. But I'm gonna tell you something. I learned that right. And I've never told nobody a story. Not because I never told it, because I never remembered it. When I got to that place, the place that you didn't hang out with was the AIDS unit. AIDS was brand new. Nobody knew about AIDS. It was 85. Yeah, man, people didn't know if you could get it from like tears or something. I got sentenced to prison. After you settled down, the first place I went to had an agent and had five guys in that agent. They had a black guy who was gay and he was dying. He was just he was losing hair. They died in a bad way before they had those produce neighbors and shit. Then they had a black dude that was like a playa type

that he had it from shooting hair on. There was a Mexican dude that looked just like machete. Yeah, there was a white dude. And that was at five of them. And they had their own refrigerator, their own kitchen, their own area. And when I got there, the bookies that I teamed up with, he used to do business with them. Like he'd get them extra shit like medication or whatever. And he told me it was those people, good people and the rest of these motherfuckers who were criminal pieces of shit. They treat these guys like shit. So guess what I did one day? I walked into that fucking AIDS unit. Took care of him. No mask, no nothing. No, they walked around. There was nobody sick in there. There was one guy that slept kind of all day. But the rest of them play cards and

threw dice and listened to rap music and fucking Bobby Brown. And I became their friend. And I brought a kid in there from Cleveland, another Italian kid, those Mexican dudes. And pretty soon these AIDS guys had a fucking family. You know, and I didn't judge him. I knew like one or two of them might have been gay. One of them kept saying he got it from the needle. But I didn't judge him. I just remembered like I was in prison and I felt so bad for what I had done. I wanted to do something good. And I started thinking about how I felt sometimes being Cuban when I came from Cuba. People stay the fuck away from you. Stigmatized. Stigmatized. So I went against my grain and I'm not with these HIV guys. And I got to tell you something, man. I never talked about this.

I always thought the hardest thing about getting locked up was the holidays. And those guys made my holidays because they cooked. That fucking kitchen looked like better than American kitchen. Because all these AIDS guys had families. And all of us had families. And we just pulled all our food together. You couldn't believe it. You fucking couldn't believe it. There was there was nachos and fuck. We're in prison. We're in fucking prison. There was little shrimp cocktails and we're not the mafia. You know, we're the same good family. We're the same good family. We're the same good slice and the garlic. Oh my god. But I remember we had chips and the two TVs going. And that was the first season of Love and Marriage. Love. So we would watch that on Sunday nights. So in a way,

like your prison memories in a way are nice. I mean, are not all bad. So for all these motherfuckers who say, oh, you're a sexist, you're homo fucking. Listen, I was hanging out with his motherfuckers. And then back in the day before you were born. Let me tell you something. I was hanging out with HIV motherfuckers in 88 bitches with no mask and no gloves. Well, here's what I have just with my heart. I was talking about this with the PC Army when Artie Lang made his comments about, you know, carry champion or whatever. Look, Artie Lang is a really good person. Artie Lang is a is not a racist. Artie Lang wouldn't it doesn't have a racist bonus body. He's not any such a good person. And yeah, his jokes were rough and maybe they were clumsy. But I know for a fact that I wouldn't

want to hurt anybody's feeling, including that girl. Carrie's not a carry champion. I think her name is. And I always feel like whenever the PC Army points their guns at a guy like that or Alec Baldwin for calling somebody a cocksucker, Alec Baldwin called this guy a cocksucker paparazzi guy. And the gay, the gay mafia, whoever they were, the extremists, basically came after him and said, you're a homophobe. No, he's not. No, he's not. And when they when they attack, when they attack people like Al Baldwin or Artie Lang, that you're attacking the wrong dudes, man, point your gun somewhere else. Yet if you know, those guys are on your side, you know, and for me, it's like most of the people that I know that I hang with that I really know and that are friends of mine. Let

you know, and people like yourself, you're not a prejudice person. You're not. You're not. I know very few people who are if you're if you're that guy who just is dumb enough to just judge somebody on their sexuality or they're, you're a fucking a whole anyway, I'm not going to hang with you. And more importantly, you're probably a dummy. So, you know, I just feel like every time we live in such a politically correct world, and you got to be so fucking careful about what you say, who what's his name, who got fire, got suspended for two weeks from ESPN for saying that such and such to dress her age. All that sex is shut the fuck up. Shut up. We're so precious about the way we speak. People are censoring the way we speak. These these gay laws on campus, are you

fucking? I mean, rape laws on campus, they're trying to get people to have verbal consent. You got to say yes. If you don't say yes, and you just have sex, you could accuse the guy of rape. You're talking about an infringement on on freedom. You're just jumping in there. Look, nobody's fucking pro rape. You're not doing anything to stop rape. When you pass laws like that, you're just infringing on freedom. You're just fucking up my fucking heart on. That's what the fuck you're doing, right? Because any good knows a freak wants to get a hairpull and tackled and shit. And sometimes in the way down, you forget to ask the freak. Do you mind if I stick in your armpit and shit? Thank you. It doesn't make you a fucking rapist. It doesn't make you a

fucking rapist. Sometimes you get the animal attraction you're so I'm gonna stop in a moment. It's bad enough. You got to wear fucking condom because your daughter might have fucking chlamydia and she fucked 10 dead football players. Not that that's stopping her as a kid. No, I can't eat her fucking snack. Yeah, you like that. Yeah, I was a kid. I used to fucking roll the dice. I'd be like, yeah, here goes nothing. Oh my god. Were you a condom where I'm not me? I never wore condom on. No, I was 1617 this girl. One of the suck my dick when I ran from her. I thought it was disgusting. Like I just thought all that shit was no condoms are fucking disgusting. I rather get a fucking I rather get something and take a shot. Exactly stop and put especially when you do blow

your dick is dead. Right. So you got to put a condom on when you dick is this you gotta pull over your dick and they're gonna tickle it and suck it. Then it's gonna grow into the condom. I don't have that type of time. You got something. I don't have that type of time. If you got something, it looks like we both got it. Fuck it. Let's just take a chance. Columbus did. I had a couple things. I had some leakage and shit. I had some crabs. That's like my buddy. He's a comic and I'll tell you his name later. No, no, no, no. Not now. And he but he's great. He goes, I go, he never used a condom. I go, you ever get to clap or anything? He goes, nah, I'm not that some leakage. I go, the fuck do you think that is, bro? What do you mean leakage? He's like 45. I'm like,

pick up a medical book. I remember I was dating this girl for a while and I had like some weird leakage. I didn't know what the fuck it was, but I was gonna tell nobody. And when I was coked up to the girls and I was ready to eat a monkey and she had leakage and it was dry. I just brushed that little dust away and I got in there like a seven. Don't be pussy. It's just whatever. Take a Z pack. You poor thing. You drink a fucking orange juice. The freshest squeeze your back and some wheat grass and shit. Now they got, now they got that penicillin resistant, that antibiotic resistant gonorrhea. That can be a problem. That's hard to get rid of. No, I don't want none of that shit. Listen, I don't want none of that shit. I don't know how these people go to

these massage parlors. I would love to fucking just go to like a massage bar for them to rub your shoulders for maybe two seconds, then for them to squirt on their faces right down over the cellophane on your dick. I hear these horrendous stories of people doing some crazy shit right here on the street here all over the valley, all over the place. I would love to be able to do something like that. I am paranoid to the hill because I want to get involved. I don't know if there are cameras in those rooms. I don't know what the fuck is going on. Yes, there's cameras. I don't know. Maybe. I just don't know what to expect. I don't even know if it's a setup. That's what I worry about. I go in there. See, either way, my mind works is I go in there and they got, they did a setup

and gas comes out of the fence and I'm, next thing I know, I'm tied up to a rack and they're like, we got another co-ed, another college co-ed. You fucking gimp. And that's it for me. That's my fantasy. I mean, that's my, my fear, my fear. Would you do it? Like when we had the guy from the bunny ranching, I know everyone gets tested there. So you have a better chance there of not getting something that you do out in like the real world. But even like, even that would still scare me, even though I know they're tested, just knowing that they do that with so many people. That chick, they called in and said, she'll lick your nutsack, right? And your asshole. Let's say you're in the eaters sex, that chick. Are you going to swap spit with a leaf? Whether she gets

tested or not? Two hours ago, she had a fucking tongue deep. Well, no, yeah, we've gone that far. Yeah. So if you swap and spit with it, you're going to swap spit with, and I think that she had a tongue of some of these ass two hours ago. Well, no, but if I, but if you make the decision of sex with them, you basically have given like, you say, the bunny ranch is no condoms. That's no, no, you have to work on them there. But I'm just saying they get tested. But because when they came in, I've been in the bunny ranch. No, but like, I was single for like a year and a half when I moved here. And when they came in, I kept thinking, God, that would have been nice when I was single for that long. But like, even though I know they get tested, it's still something in

my brain like anyone who has sex. And it's kind of a sexist thing too. Because any guy who has sex that much doesn't bother me at all. But just see my problem with all that stuff is that I just don't want to be a dollar bill. It's why I don't like strip clubs. Yeah, I just, I just, you know, I don't know, man, going in there and it's a transaction. I just, I don't know. It never, it never really did it for me. It never really gets me going. I'd rather, I want the girl to like me a little bit. But you said you dated strippers, right? Yeah, but they, you know, that was all crazy and passionate and nutty. And believe me, there were no condoms being used. It's amazing. Do you have a fantasy of dating a stripper? No, no. Be careful. I had a four year,

I had a four year run with a strip. And it was one of the worst experiences in my life. I ended up in jail twice. I lost my clothes. And I loved it. I can't lie to you and tell you, I love the juice, the juice and the, you know, the thing. And then one day we both looked at each other and I'm like, I'm not doing this. I want to be a comic bitch. See, you know, see, I want to be a comedian, you know, and I look back on my life sometimes. And I think to myself, there were a lot of people I wish I had deleted from my life because I would have gotten a lot of shit done. Like I wasted a lot of time trying to take care of people, dealing with their energy. Maybe I was working something out. I don't know. I mean, I always, I try not to do it too much,

but I do think about what I would do differently if, if I went back to being 30 or 25. I don't know. I did a lot. Definitely. Tell me what you would do differently. It, my stuff is going to sound really weird. I mean, there's no question I would have been, I would have continued to have been a stand up comic. I think I would have done stand up. I took a long time off. First of all, I took like eight, nine years off. I would not have done that. And then I would have kept doing it because I love it so much. And I was trying to be an actor. And I look back on it and I realized that what I like more than saying somebody else's words and wearing somebody else's clothing is writing my own shit and having that experience on stage.

There's nothing like stand up in my opinion. Well, there's nothing like communicating with the audience. Then I probably would have boxed earlier and I probably would have done stuff like that. But there's not a lot I would change this. I would, you know, I think about stupid things. I buy in real estate and Venice. When would you have gotten married at what age? I think I did that right. I took my time. When did you get married? 40. It's not bad. Yeah, that's okay. Because I just was tired of myself. I was the center of my own universe. So I wanted children because I don't know. I mean, I was looking at my nephews and I thought to myself, you know, I could easily die right now. And I would die for these kids because

they're more important than I am. Like I really, really meant that. I remember I was like, the fuck, it doesn't matter. And I was like, and then I was becoming particular and peculiar about my tastes. I was becoming very self involved about how I had to have my pizza, how I had to have my fucking coffee. And I didn't like that person. I don't want to be that fucking that anal in particular about my own appetites. I'm looking to hate people like that. I want to be a little sloppy. I don't like having shit. I don't like, like, I don't even like being that guarded about my own ambition. I don't. I just, I just would, I don't know. I don't even know how to explain how I feel. But having children for me is a relief. I love those little kids. And I like that they put

me in a position of service, of giving as opposed to taking, because that's what I was for a long time. I was the center of my own universe, very easy for a comic to be that way or someone like me anyway. And I was a taker, man. But then I started finding myself giving to shitty causes like dating an addict and trying to fix her. And a psychologist, I was friends with said, bro, you have a deep need to help. I had birds and dogs that you have a need to nurture and help. You're doing it in the wrong way, man. You're buying fucking macaws. Macaws live 125 years. They'll shred your furniture. They cost $3,000. Dumb as shit in the world. They make more noise. I was being sued by my neighbors. You're bringing in girls who, you know, have track marks. The fuck are you doing? Either get

involved in a real charity or have children. And, you know, I listened. So, you know, it's, it's people say movies and movies or whatever, but we, we learn from movies. We see different things. You'll see, what's the movie with Andy Garcia and Richard Gere? Oh, Internal Affairs. Internal Affairs. At the end of Internal Affairs. What does Richard Gere say as he's done? Yes, great. Don't have kids, you know? And it's, I had a kid at 20 something. I loved that child, you know? Somewhere along the line, everything got fucked up. And we don't talk. We haven't

talked in about 10 years. It's a painful situation. But at the same time, it's about somebody trying to show a bigger dick than somebody. I got a second chance. And I gotta tell you something. And this is the weirdest thing I've ever said to anybody. Once you have a child, you just don't give a fuck. What used to, when people come over to you, you're not gonna believe Sarah fell off the wagon, let that bitch die. It's got nothing to do with me, you know? It's like, you just lost 80% of luggage because nothing matters. And all of a sudden, you're like, I wish I was like this at 20 because I see this, which I saw a lot of those things. You know, I saw a lot of those different things. But now when I say it on stage, I never gave a

fuck. But now I really don't give a fuck. Like, I really don't give a Frenchman's fuck. I care about her and my wife. My wife is happy. But there's gas in the car and there's food in the refrigerator. That's what I give a fuck about. Anything else you're talking about? I have no idea. Legalizing marijuana for blind kids so I can play the drums. Listen, I'll give you $3. You know what I'm saying? I'll buy a t-shirt. I don't know what to tell you. You know, people hit me up all the time for shit. They don't understand your time when you have children. They don't understand. My buddy just left me a message. I don't see you. I don't listen, bro. When I have time, I'm spending time with the kids. Because I can't make a schedule with Lee.

Last week, Lee and I were supposed to get together for three days. We finally got together because I don't know what mood the child's going to be in that morning. I don't know if the baby says on the call, I'm not going to make it today. Every day is a new fucking adventure. And you want me to be fucking on your team to sell weed, you know, to legalize weed, to put an ad together. What are you fucking talking about? I barely have time to write jokes. That's why I go on the road to rent. Because it's three days of solitude with a cup of coffee, the TV off and you fucking write on a computer or writing in a notebook. I don't get pieced. I don't know when she's going to kick the door down and go, you know, what the fuck is on the computer? What are you watching? And I

got to stop what you're doing. They don't give a fuck about Twitter or MySpace or they don't give a fuck. You got to sit them down and stop what you're doing and fucking put whatever they want to watch on YouTube, whatever the ABCs or simple songs, it changes. I have to go to Jiu Jitsu 11 in Beverly Hills. That means I lived, leave the valley at 10. I get her out of the house at 815. You tell a kid at 9.30 on a swing, we got to go home because daddy has to go to Jiu Jitsu. Good luck. Understand. Then they're calling you. What happened to you today? You told me you were coming. I got a two-year-old that fucking trumps everything. Trumps everything. That's just the way it is.

You know, tomorrow morning I have to leave before she even knows what the fuck's going on. I got to leave at 8 in the morning before she even knows what's going on. You know, there's Jiu Jitsu at night, Joey. Why don't you go at night? You try walking out in front of a fucking three-year-old with a bag. Good. I day you. I day you. It's not going to work. So you lose all these different aspects and you have to reschedule. There's so much learning. There's so much learning and reprogramming and what you used to do. I've learned a lot about men and women watching my son and my daughter interact because my son is a destroyer. My daughter is a lover. My daughter will build an entire,

like, dollhouse out of Lego and she's got her little animals and little babies that she's feeding and it's a whole city. And my son comes in and he's like, oh, fuck is this? You got a whole city here for no reason? Apparently you haven't heard of Godzilla. He fucking just destroys it. She's like, why can't I understand? It's just funny. I have so much sympathy for my son because I understand him as a boy. He's a linear. My daughter's got 15 different emotional levels. You watch. She's six now. Try figuring that shit out. You never know how her brain works. It's just a different machine. My son is linear. Tired, angry, hungry. I got you. I got it all. I see it right there. I can read that kid like a book. My daughter is a maze, a maze, man. It's incredible. Just an emotional creature.

What do you think, leave another edible? No, I don't. But you were saying like you would have not taken that break. No, guys, I'm high. So I was thinking about it. Like I'm not really, I'm not that spiritual, not religious, but I kind of do believe like, because I thought about before would I change anything, go back and redo high school and focus more and then go to Harvard? I'm pretty happy where I am right now. Well, that's a good point. I mean, look, look, I am my mistakes. And I'll tell you something that I really like to think about. Most of what is important as I get older, I guess, if I could give my, if I could give myself advice, if I could go back and give myself advice, I'd probably say this to myself, hey, learn what not to think about.

There is a law of subtraction. Learning how to think is really a process of deletion. We spend a lot of time thinking and indulging mentally in areas and spaces that are not helpful to us. We stress, we worry. It's bullshit. It's unproductive. You got to learn how it's better to learn what not to think about when instead of making a to do list, make a not to do list, you'd be amazed at how much shit you do that ensures your own failure. It's really important. That's what I would say to myself. If I was 20 again, I'd be like, Hey, don't waste your time with this bullshit. But do you think someone can actually follow that advice without going through it? Because I lost weight last year, juicing, I lost a ton of weight, and I gained it all back.

And now I'm doing it, working out and being healthy. And I feel like since I've learned, I would say that is a different, I think that's a different topic. And that topic is this, human beings are always running from pleasure and away from running toward pleasure and away from pain. I think that's how you can break somebody down. There's something about eating certain foods that you find more pleasurable than you do painful, although the result can be more painful. So I think that the way you deal with addiction personally, or you deal with food issues or whatever it might be, is you've got to start to feel the pleasure of eating in a healthy way and the feeling it gives you versus this other feeling you've been so used to for so long.

I think that's the best way to deal with that shit. They're coming for me, Joe. They're coming for me. Every time I hear a fucking signal, I always think of what I did today. Every time I hear a fuck this, let me give some shout out to you. Get the party started. My main man, Jew established 1981. I want to thank you for drawing the picture. They're gonna send it to me. Mattias Tovinin, Chung Kennedy, you bad motherfucking Chinaman, Philip Boddy, Mike Lavin, Benji Barrow, Tony B, bad to the bone, and Steve Seven with cheer, whatever the fuck it is. I got a little nose here. I got to talk to you about something. What's up with you? You all right? I'm good. What are you going to eat when you go home tonight?

I'm hoping nothing, and this edible is kind of kicking in right now, so I'm not sure. What are you feeling? Everything, I don't know. The sun, the moon. And that's the thing. I can't eat when I go home, because that's when the munchies get the worst, is after you start, everything tastes amazing, so you just keep going getting more. Someone's just going to try to run home and hide in my bedroom or don't have food. What do you got at the house to eat today? Got rice cakes, got goldfish.

Couple of rice cakes never killed my body. But it turns into 10 rice cakes, especially on that. You put peanut butter around this shit? Not peanut butter. Peanut butter has a lot more calories than I thought it would. Hummus? I do, but not for like a snack. That's like with dinner or something. So you got to pull up with? It's hummus on fucking rice cake. It's funny when you came in tonight, we're talking about acting.

I knew you from Joe, and then I bumped into you in a 2001 acting seminar by the casting director of Sleepers and Godfather 2, and he also did Donnie Brasco. What was that fucking guy's name? It was a UCLA. I saw you, and I walked close to you. You were talking to two freaks, and you were in fucking mid somebody sucking my dick seminar, because those seminars are really dick suck. I remember that well. That was Milton Cattall's seminar.

What? Milton. That was the one we did, but then we did the other one. Who cast Godfather 2? John. It's an Italian last name. Yes, he's from Jersey. He grew up with Donnie Brasco. That's why he cast Donnie Brasco.

He grew up with him, went to high school with him. Who cast Godfather 2 or Donnie Brasco or Sleepers? Let me look. Shit. So we're talking about soap operas and how? Jane Feinberg, Mike Feinberg, Vic Ramos. No, the casting director. Gotta scroll all the way to the bottom to get the casting director.

Which movie are you watching? For Godfather 2. That was the casting department. No, go to Sleepers. Sleepers? By the way, everybody, Wally's looking. I'm going to be at the Ontario improv this weekend. Tomorrow, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

Oh, nice. Lewis DiGiamo? Lewis DiGiamo. There it is. Lewis DiGiamo. Lewis DiGiamo from Jersey. He cast Wally Cast Sleepers. Godfather 2, Donnie Brasco.

He was on fire for a while. He did love them. Lou DiGiamo. Lou DiGiamo. What about him though? You were telling the story. What were you going to say? We went to that song.

Wally, what did he cast? Lee, what are you looking at all? I'm trying to find his IMDB pitch. Jesus Christ, I thought you had it already. We're talking about how we went to that, whatever the fuck it was. Yeah, seminar. And how you think you're prepared for Hollywood. Like when you first moved here, you take an acting class

and you do different things. And we're talking about jobs that you get. Like my first job was a Taco Bell commercial. Then my second job was basketball. And I had no idea what was going on. I just kept, then I cast Mad TV as Big Pussy. And then I cast... I'm going to see Will Sasser right after this.

It's telling him my love. Yeah, he's a good dude. And then we cast a bunch of shit, but you learn. And when I first started casting, everything was high dollar production. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Everything, CBS, I was stealing fucking wardrobe. It was tremendous.

Nobody really checked your wardrobe in those days. There's money everywhere. And you get these jobs. You know, like we were comparing Spider-Man 2 to like the movie I did with the director. I had Paul, T. Murray, Boilermaker, you know, where you had to fight for lunch every day. They gave you like one serving of bread and shit.

Then you do a movie like Spider-Man 2 where you walk on the set and you're taking a gallon of pomegranate juice to your room. And the fucking dupe, there's pistachios, three different flavors, jellies, there's breakfast, you know, it's just an amazing thing. And you learn how to maneuver your way through sets, you know. And I remember I got a job on General Hospital and I remember leaving after the second day going,

oh my God, if I didn't have the experience I had, I would have got fired from that job because it moves so fast. Like there's nobody holding your hand. When you do a movie like The Longest, you're out. We had umbrella girls that would hold an umbrella for you under the sun. That's puff daddy kind of shit. So you wouldn't get a fucking suntan. And they were all strippers from the club.

So they went to the strip club at night and said, who wants to work tomorrow for 250 a day? Good times, good times, baby. You know, being a smoothie girl and shit. And then when we came up, when we shot the movie in New Mexico, it was like a paradise. When we came to Orange County and Paramount had access to us, there was no more umbrella girls.

There was no more smoothie girls. Yeah. There was no more, you know. So you learn different things from movies. Like, and I know you've done a ton of them. And you still do low budget ones ever? I do. I did one last year, but I may not do any more of those.

They're a fucking name, man. Yeah, I mean, you got to pay me a lot nowadays, because otherwise it's a waste of time. And let me tell you something, almost there is no such thing as a low budget movie that does a thing for your career. It just doesn't, man. Give me one example. It's just an expensive student film.

And, you know, it's very hard to make a movie. And if you're getting involved with amateurs or people haven't done it before, I don't care how much money they're throwing at the project. It's a fucking nightmare. It's going to be a waste of time. So, you know, I'm focusing on podcasting and stand-up. And that's kind of what inspires me right now.

People call me all the time to off me films and shit. The last two, two and a half years, and I feel lazy. But in the other hand, I'm not lazy. You're just wasting my time. I know the outcome of this. That's right. I know the outcome of this. I've turned down a lot of auditions for just episodic TV stuff,

because it's not going to do a goddamn thing. I mean, it's got to, it's got to affect where I'm headed. You know, that's kind of what I'm... At this point, yeah. Yeah, like I'm focusing on shooting my next special and that kind of stuff. What are you thinking of shooting that? I think down at Irvine, I hope.

You know. The new place. Yeah, that's why I'm doing the road so much right now, because I'm trying to... Tighten everything up. Yeah, because, you know, you got to tighten it up. You know, the stuff that can be, it can work really well. It's been great.

And I had such a blast in Tempe this past weekend, by the way. Thank you, Tempe. But, you know, it's like, you got to always figure out, like, there's stuff that'll kill a room and stuff, but then you want to be thematic, or you want to be telling a story. And I don't know, man, it's a constant process. Putting a special together is very, very hard.

Yeah. Very tedious. It requires a lot of work. You have to look over your material every night. You're on stage every night. There's words that'll make a joke just hilarious, just a little word. Exactly.

Well, it's like a song, man. It's like every bit is a rhythm. There's a rhythm and a melody to it. There's a song. And when you get the perfect number of words and the perfect emphasis, that's when the bit is complete. You know what I mean? Like, it's done.

And so, after a while, you get an hour of that, and you want to shoot that shit and start again. I want to get it out of there. Get it out of there. Now, you started in New York. Started in New York. Well, yeah. The first time I ever did stand up, I think it was 1992, man.

And you gave it a break. I just wanted to be an actor. And Rogan was the one who got me back in the stand-up, really. He was like, bro, what are you doing? You know, just get in the stand-up. And I was like, all right. In fact, and watching Dane Cook, too. I'm like, Dane Cook at Dublin, though.

I was like, I want to do that. He was killing me. He was really funny at the time. And I just said, I got to do that, man. I missed it. He looked like he was having so much fun. And Joe used to have so much fun. And I was like, I know I can do that.

I just got to start doing it again. So it's what I am, bro. And I think you are, too. Oh, I have come to the realization that, you know, I grew up on movies and it's how I learned to speak English as a part of what I am. I really enjoy watching a great fucking movie. But I'm to the point where I saw Behind the Curtain.

And I like it. It's a really good way to put it. I like it. But I'll tell you what, at the end of the day, unless it's a certain thing, a certain way, I mean, if not past, I'd much rather go to fucking Portland this weekend. I'd much rather go to Philadelphia next week.

I'd much rather go to Vegas with Joe. You're going to Philly? I love Philly. What do you do? He was great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No. The city's great.

I'm doing that in December, man. I can't wait. And you want to go there when it's cold. You don't want to fuck around the heat in Philly with the humidity you want. I go to all those cold city towns, and the heat of the winter. Fuck you and all that shit.

Wait till June. I go to Buffalo in January when their motherfuckers got to go out. When you're on those beef sandwiches. I'll be in Boston in January. That's going to be too cold. I went into Boston last January, and I literally was waiting for the bus outside.

And I was like, are you fucking kidding me? Laugh Boston. Are you through the Wilbur? Laugh Boston. Are you through the Laugh Boston? Do you do the Wilbur? No, I'm going back to Laugh Boston. Laugh Boston was a good club, man.

Great club. And they pitched a bunch of shit. They got complaints. But I didn't give a fuck. I thought it was a great club. They had great food. Yeah, packed it in. Nice hotel.

Nice hotel. They tried really hard. Comedy clubs pop and go. Some of them go. Some of them come back. And some of that. Tempy's kicking ass. When was the last time you did Tempy?

Last year, without him. And I'm going back. That's the only one I worked. I don't want to work just to end up being this. It's too big for me. And Tempy's big, but it's small. Yeah. Tempy's big.

Tempy, you can get it. Plus, I got my roots in that place. I've been doing comedy and Tempy since 1997. And then I went with Joe every year. Then I went by myself. And it's just you have roots in these rooms. Then they want to pop up another room. And people are like, well, you can make more money

if the other room. It doesn't matter. I have roots in it. I'm friends with these fucking walls. That's what I mean. I know these walls. I've been through hours of paying to these walls. These walls don't look bad.

I like the West Palm Beach improv, too. Do you really? I love Florida, bro. I love Fort Lauderdale. And I love the West Palm Beach. Ooh, I love it. How many times do you go down there? Twice a year.

I don't. I go down once a year, really, usually. But man, it's always packed. And I have a blast. I have a blast. These podcasts have opened up doors for us. And the other door, it opened. It let people know who we are.

But also let people know what's in our heart and what's in our mind. People aren't getting up anymore and running out. Unless some club owner gives out 20 tickets. It's like a church group, where they get up and run out. People are all in now. When they go to these shows, they know who the fuck you are. They know what you're going to talk about.

They even have a direction where you want them. They want you to take them. That's right. It's very amazing what I've learned from the podcast. I was on my way to being a good stand-up comic. This has made me better. This podcasting has definitely made me better. Doing an editable with you twice a week has made me a better man.

Look at the shape of you, cocksucker. I'm pretty good. What are you going to go eat tonight? What are you thinking about right now? If you could eat, fuck the diet. Well, tell Brian what you're eating. What are you eating? Fuck the diet right now.

Where would you eat tonight if you could fucking? You would probably go. No, no, no, I don't. Burrito with french fries is nasty. I was going to go with the carne asada fries. Who the fuck do you think you're dealing with? Those are fucking amazing. You're a sucker for those things right over there.

What do you mean, sucker? They're delicious. What's better than french fries with steak and guacamole chow cream? I watched that cod food special the other night, the food show, and it had fat sals. And I got to tell you something, guys. That's not for me. No.

Even when I was a fat fuck and I liked that type of food, that wasn't for me. That's never been what I like. Oh, really? An egg on a sandwich with chicken feet. And that's not for me. You want to put a chicken parmesan together with a little sausage in that motherfucker

and melt the cheese in the sausage for flavor? That's old school. It's a hard Italian bread. That I'm all in. First of all, they also claim something. They also said they were one of the few people, or one of the first people to put french fries on their sandwiches. That's a lie.

In Western New York, New Jersey, you have that fucking one Cuban place where the Yankees go. It's been there for 30 years. Georgie gets the ticket. Georgie will take the 60 dollar ticket because he goes, there's nowhere to park. There's nowhere to park. Take the 60 dollar ticket.

Who gives a fuck? I do the same thing. Just make sure you get 20 sandwiches. I will get a fucking ticket sometimes. I'm not going to deal with the park. And I'm like, you know what? It's worth it. What's going to cost me?

65 bucks? Fuck it. It's expensive. It hurts me. I don't care. I'm not walking two miles. Just give me the fucking sandwiches. I'll eat with a ticket in the windshield like a soldier.

I got it. In fact, my meter's running out. I better run. Wait, what meter? You got no fucking meter up here. Not down here. The meter. What meter?

There's no meter. It's strict down here. I got to pay the fucking lady. And then I got the thing I got to go to after this. What thing? The thing when they're waiting for me over there, the whole fucking arena. I love this park suck.

I'm happy you came out for that. I'm happy you're on time and you're a gentleman. It was a pleasure having you. I wish to do yours the next few weeks. I can't wait. So let's let the Thanksgiving. You are a true original. And I really appreciate that.

I'm happy you came tonight. We'll read the ads without you in here. How's that? There you go. All right, ladies and gentlemen. Come see me in Ontario this week. Ontario Improv, Brian Callaghan. You're going to be in Portland?

I will be in Portland. That helium tickets are going fast. Don't fuck around. Tomorrow night, they're showing up with fucking grenades and chocolate bars. Some guy's showing up with two pounds of mushroom chocolate. Go see Joey Diaz. So if I was you tomorrow night and you're in fucking Portland,

don't fuck around. Fuck the rain. Fuck the rain jacket. Fuck Ebola. Come on down. We're going to eat some nice chocolate mushroom tomorrow night. There it is.

Portland. Portland. Diaz or die. Diaz or fucking die. And the week after that Philadelphia, you know how we do it. We ain't fucking around no more. Hey, I'll be at the American Comedy Club

next weekend. Come see me there. Fucking San Diego, Ontario, and San Diego. Who's better than you? You're not taking another plane the rest of the year, right? You are. You're better than I am. You're not taking no more planes the rest of the year?

I got to, but I'm taking a break. All right. I hate planes. Ladies and gentlemen. I love you, Tuck Sucker. Love you, man. Lisa, yeah. What's your problem?

That's my problem? Yeah. What are you sitting there giving me the evil eye for? We still got another edible leaf. Oh, no. I'm having any more edibles. Listen. I'm happy you guys listened to that.

What'd you think, Lee? You like this one, Tony? Yeah. A little slow for you, Tony? You like a little movement. Don't you, Tuck Sucker? No, it was good. Yeah.

I don't understand. You're giving me high. You're saying less than that. Well, who gives a fuck? Well, no, I mean. It's my job. I got to get you a little high, because now the rest of the week,

you just sit there with the woman at home. Ha, ha. Watch. Oh, this is great. You sit there like a fucking mook. What do you got on tap this week? This week, I actually have a night by myself. She's going to like a school thing,

and it's only girls. So I don't know what we're going to do Friday. What do you mean she's going to a school thing, and it's only girls? What kind of shit is that? It's like a women's group function. For what? For Mexican women?

Yeah, I think so. Well, you don't want to go crash and say, you like Mexican women. How about we go ahead on the third table and throw chains on the floor or something? You're a filthy little fuck. Throw chains on the floor. Aren't you taking us somewhere this weekend

for tamales or something like that? No. A cupcake class or something? No, we did sign up for another class though. She signed up for it. It was good though. You look at steak class. Steak class.

What do they teach you how to make? Steak, duck fat potatoes, which are a little good. What are you doing with this? December. I don't mind if you go, but you've got to bring something back for the cat. I'm going to say, don't put me through the fucking wools here. You're supposed to be family.

Anyway, the church wants to eye the church. The church wants to really welcome our new sponsor here, iandragontv.com. They're really from Nanotech. They sponsor Tim Kennedy and Mike McDonald from the UFC. I mean, a great guy. I went out with him the other night to dinner and I'm really interesting.

And he's got this company called iandragontv.com. And what they do is they have a Taroku channel, correctly. Right, yes. And what they have is classic kung fu movies, like Tai Chi Zero, Ip Man series. You know, classics like Enter the Fat Drag and shit like that. You guys are going to love it. They got Life of a Ninja.

They got Donnie Yen. They got Child and Young Fat. What we're going to do is this. You go to iandragontv.com. We want you to try it out. Let me know what you think. You go to the box and you press in. Joey.

All right. You get two free rentals. Check it out. See what they got. You're going to fucking love it. You're not going to be sorry. Trust me, my wife already went on it. She likes the whole system.

How it works. iandragontv.com. Go on there. What's the code word, brother? Joey. And the cool thing is a lot of people's complaints about some of the online video services is that they have a lot of choices,

but none of them are ever any good. These people, they like martial arts movies, and that's all they have. And they're going to have good ones. It's like that's that's sometimes a problem to get with some of the bigger ones is they have some movies, but they don't have like the cool stuff.

And I know they're doing something with the 4K TV. Oh, yeah. Which gets released January 1st or for the holidays or some people already ordered it. So I'll keep you up to date on that. But for right now, go to iandragontv.com. Pressing. Joey.

Get two free rentals. Let's welcome them to a nice job. Give them some love. All right. Number two on it. As usual, who's better than them? No. You want to be in the top of your fucking game.

You need to get on it. Whether you want the Shroom Tech, whether you want the Hemforce protein, whether you want the Alpha Brain, all that stuff. I'm giving you 10% off if you go to joeydeers.net. Go to the box and press in.

Church. Church. And this is 10% off. I'm the new MCT oil, the coconut oil to put in your smoothie, to loosen your bones, to help you burn fat. I haven't tried it yet.

I'm not going to lie to you. I'm still on the Alpha Brain and the Hemprotein Bugs. It's funny because I just finished my Hemprotein Bugs. I got to get some more of them. Remember we had them in the office? Yeah. Then they sent me a box to the house

and I finished them. Tremendous. After a workout, you inhale one of those and it holds you off for at least an hour till you get to your meal. I think it's 14 grams of protein. You really need 30, so eat two of them. What do you come to me for with fucking your problems?

Go to honet.com right now and press in. Church. And get 10% off your order. Stay on it. Go to the Stay On It program. You get 10% off every month and it gets delivered to the house in the first of the month.

No drama, no nothing. Let me talk to you people about something. There's one word people love all the time. You know what that word is? Free. There's nothing better than the word free. Why are you fucking around? You're probably sitting there eating those gold fritters

or some fucking cookies or something. Why are you fucking around? Go to naturebox.com. They want to offer you a free starter package. You get five bags of delicious, nutritious, approved stuff. Stop going to that fucking potato chip glass at your work when you get tremendous fucking snacks sent directly to your house.

And guess what? The first order is free, bitch. Free, free, free. Go to naturebox.com and put in the box what? Joey. Slash Joey. That's it. Joey.

That's it. And get a box delivered to your house immediately. ASAP of the best tasting snacks you've ever had in your life. And they don't even charge you for shipping. And they don't even charge you for shipping. That's how these motherfuckers do. Whether they have the cocoa almonds or the sriracha fucking pistachios.

They have Kettle Cook corn puddles. I mean, whatever. And every day they're adding stuff. So don't fuck around now. Go to naturebox.com and press in. Joey. Joey, in the box and get your free snacks sent to your house on the double.

Who's better than that? Again, like we told this fucking dude before. Listen to me. You're walking around with nasty fucking underwear. You got skid marks. Maybe you got a pimple. You popped it. The puss is hanging on your underwear.

You got to wash it. You didn't shout it off. You don't need that shit. Go to me on these.com. You know how long guys have underwear for? Seven years. You nasty, filthy motherfuckers. Do you think women will keep their underwear for seven years?

Yeah. Some fucking dirty chicken to projects or something like that. But a natural woman, they maintain that fucking monkey. You got to change the underwear. Willie, stop looking at yourself. You're freaking me out. Go to me on these.com right now. They got a great selection of men's and women's underwear.

They're sexy. They fit tight. They don't slip. Your nuts don't fall off the side. They're tremendous underwear, comfortable. I got a pair of them on right now. I'm fucking bloating. My nut sack is in place.

You haven't seen me go to move my nuts. Sometimes I'm here and I'm fidgety. That's because I don't have me undies on. Because me undies keeps your nuts in place very nice. Go to meundies.com. See what they got. Press in the box. What?

Joey. And you get 20% off your first order. And guess what? They get free shipping if you live in the United States of Canada. And Canada. Stop fucking around, Canada. Stop walking around, hitting your balls. Women.

Stop walking around, separating those lips. Go to meundies.com. Get a nice pair of undies. They keep your cool down there. The monkey's fresh. Everybody's happy. You can spread your fucking little bat. And nobody will get a bowl.

That's how they roll, all right? Colbert and Joey. Also tonight. What's the code word? Joey. All right, meundies.com. Code word Joey. Get the stuff shipping for free.

Canada and the US. Now I want to give a shout out to my main motherfuckers. These guys support me from A to Z. That's why we do business with them. We love them to death. They have a great vapor pen out there. Naileditlife.com. Go to naileditlife.com and press in.

Joey Diaz. They got a selection of shirts. They got vapor pens. You get 20% off your vapor pen. They don't fuck around with you. And they ship everywhere, all around the world. Everybody's smoking their fucking vapor pen. From Finland to Siam to whatever the fuck.

I'm making my country. They send them to Siam? I guess so. Siam, whatever the fuck the name of the country is. It doesn't really matter. Naileditlife.com. Tremendous vapor pen. What do you have to press in the box?

Joey Diaz. And you get 20% off your first order. Usually 50. You get it for 40 dollars. Who's better than me? I gave you honor to keep you healthy. Nature box to keep you strong and healthy. Me on these.com to keep your asshole in shape.

IonDragonTV.com so you can watch kung fu movies. From a Yip man to a Shao hut. Young fact, the lit man series. The whole fucking deal, all right? And then we close up with the best vapor pen out there. Naileditlife.com. Who's better than us? No one.

Lee, what the fuck? You're sitting there like a momoluca? Yeah. Besides that, it's all low, but the shot. I'll be in Portland this week. Philadelphia the week after that. And then we got a workshop for a one-man show. We're doing up at the ice house on the 26th night

before Thanksgiving. You're gonna have a great time. Thank you for tuning us into your lives. Thank you for being bad motherfuckers. Thank you. That's it. Stay black, cock suckers. Joey.

Also, go to onit.com and use code word church to get 10% off of any of the great products Joey and Brian talked about tonight. Alphabrain, new mood, shroom tech, immune, dream tech, sport, anything like that. Use code word church to get 10% off. Also, go to meetundies.com slash Joey. That's meetundies.com slash Joey. And check out the pics of all the different styles

of underwear they have for men. And for the girls, check out hot looking boy shorts. When you go to meetundies.com slash Joey, you're gonna get 20% off of your first order. And for a limited time right now, they're shipping for free to the United States and Canada. Go to irondragontv.com and use code word Joey. And you're gonna get two free rentals of all of your favorite kung fu movies,

Chaoyang Fat, any martial art movies they have it. Use code word church. I mean, Joey, sorry to get 20% off. Jesus Christly. I was doing good until then. And then go to nail.life.com. Put me a vapor pen on the market. Use code word Joey.

D.S. and you're gonna get 20% off. Special podcast, one o'clock Monday afternoon. One o'clock, special podcast. I never listen to your tender song. My only wish was just to satisfy. And keep you happy till the day I die. You got hung up the night that we made love. And when you cry, what are you linking love?

I miss the tears and fears of all your face. That's when you let them down, take my place. I don't turn my head around. Turn me upside down. I don't turn my head around. Lose my mind. 69 times. Why you won't over break my heart?

It's just like a job you've never had to pay. Playing with me, that was your best mistake. There are too many things to buy and taste. You are the one I can't walk away. Just like a baby, I can't secure. When all the time I walk into a shoe. You are the twinkle, burning through our stars. It's just like a job you've never had to pay.

I don't turn my head around. I don't turn my head around. I don't turn my head around. Lose my mind. 69 times. I don't turn my head around. I don't turn my head around. I don't turn my head around.

Lose my mind. 69 times. Why you won't over break my heart? I don't turn my head around. I don't turn my head around. I don't turn my head around. I don't turn my head around. I don't turn my head around.

I don't turn my head around. I don't turn my head around. Who's turning my head around? Who's turning my head around? Who's turning my head around? Who's turning my head around? Who's turning my head around? Who's turning my head around?

Who's turning my head around? Who's turning my head around? Who's turning my head around? Thank you for watching!