Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #238 - Joey Diaz, Rodrigo Torres, and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: December 11, 2014

Rodrigo Torres, Comedian, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Nature Box. Visit Naturebox.com and use promo code Joey for a free trial box Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/joey for 20% off. Iron Dragon TV. A New Roku channel with all the best martial arts films. Use Code word joey for two free rentals. Recorded live on 12/10/2014.Music:The Doors - Roadhouse BluesSound Garden - Fell On Black Days

This show is sponsored by Nature Box. Nature Box ships great tasting healthy snacks right to your door. Forget the vending machine and start snacking smarter with healthy and delicious treats like dark cocoa almonds. Support this podcast by ordering a completely free Nature Box sample box at naturebox.com slash joey. That's right free nature box snacks are found at naturebox.com slash joey. They give you four small bags and one big bag. They don't even charge you for shipping. You can choose the snacks you want, the type, crunchy or sweet. Give it a try and you can also go to joeydds.net and click on the Nature Box banner. The show is also brought to you by meundies.com. Go to meundies.com and check out the picks of all the different styles of underwear

they have. And for all the girls out there, they have hot looking boy shorts. Go to meundies.com slash joey. And right now, only right now, you're going to get 20% off of your first order and they're even offering free shipping, completely free shipping in the United States and Canada. Show is also brought to you by onnet.com. Go to onnet.com and use code word church or you can just go to the joeyds.net and click on the on it banner. And when you do that, you're going to get 10% off of all of the great supplements, alpha brain, new mood, shumtack immune, shumtack sport. I was very lucky to meet Joe Rogan last weekend. He says takes four before and four in the middle of the UFC's of alpha brain. So go try it out. Code word church, 10% off. And the show is also

brought to you by iron dragon TV. Iron dragon TV is a brand new Roku station. Roku channel has all of the great martial arts films. If you use code word Joey, you're going to get two free rentals. And starting in the new year, they're going to have four K technology, they're owned by Nanotech, which sponsors a lot of UFC fighters like Tim Kennedy. Oh, shit. Justin, you thought you were going to sit there? And do what? Are you kidding me or what? Wednesday night, mother fuckers, December 10th. Just in time.

It's fucking simple. Keep your eyes on the road and the hands upon the wheel. Must I say any fucking more? The church, what's happening now? Are you sparking? Are you fucking kidding me or what? Listen to that shit right there. Come on. That's it. Tremendous people. And back on the road, as I got some bucklows, the church, mother fuckers, in the house, my main man, the flying Jew, my other little brother, Rodrigo Torres, coming at you direct. You're like, Joey, where the fuck you been? I'm busy. I've been shooting. I'm moving for a few days.

We had Tiffany Hattish on. I'm fucking Sunday night. So we haven't been around, but we're back to a normal schedule next week. And that's that. All right. Don't be fucking asking questions. What's up with you? Your mom's in town. I call you like a half a fag. I don't know. He picks up the phone. Well, we are at dinner. Hello. That's fucking Italian dinner. I knew what he said. I'm like, fat Tony's on like a ship. I hope he didn't go to that place across in the CVS. It's got the bad pizza where the one night they brought the pizza red band gave me the original recommendation. So that right there alone tells you it's fucking terrible. We were high. Jesus Christ, fucking coffee in the studios got throw that shit out. No good to have coffee

in the fucking studios or in your car. I don't like it. That's what always happens and shit. We drink water. Well, okay. So here's the thing. What? What? What? Steve Simone wanted to go out to dinner with my mom and I, Simone wants to jump off a little can in Boulevard. You got to jump with him. Cut second. Really? Yeah. What the fuck? That's what you got. You got the quickest win. Yeah. West of the Mississippi. That's it. That's plain and simple. You got to go. No, let's go to Mozzarino's. My mom's. I said that, but I had to come back here. It was the salad was disgusting, but the entree was pretty good. But we went through a burp before that smelled like billy goat meat. You understand me? No, you're asking me to smell like a what? How can you talk

about smells that come out of anyone's body after you have had like two or three episodes with them? And I'm just jealous of the most amazing farts. But at least it's not a burp that comes out of my mouth. What's wrong with the burp? Because I don't, it's not like hummus meets fucking Chinese food and you had Italian. That's what's wrong with that, you fuck. If you have Italian food, it's just smell like a fucking Guido in it. Not like a fucking dead lamb chop, especially after you had Mediterranean food for lunch. That's what it is that the scholar discussed. One day, you're going to call him from the doctor. They don't have a drill bit up your ass. I can't go to the fucking thing. I haven't shit in 18 days because you put that hummus and you mix it with

that Mediterranean food. It's amazing. That's good. What's going on? I'm a trigger to fucking chilling, man. I'm happy to have you on here. Rodrigo's a dear friend. Hell yeah. He'd go before the P and podcast was fucking invented and shit. 2001. Now, if they're at a Gilbert Esquivel's little, the BFW and the FW with the tacos. Those burritos in that fucking up. Those are the bombast burritos in LA. In LA. They're bomb. And the tacos, 50 cents tacos. What? Why are we here? Let's go there. Delicious. You just gave me half of a cookie. All right. How many girls is a cookie? No, come on. You still worried about that cookie? Oh, I'm not worried about it. I just know. But dad, you got to keep dog. You're cool.

He's taken acting class together with the gay guy that used to be Arthur Mendoza. Mom and fish burn. We had fucking, but that's what we do in acting class in the backyard with the cats were discovered with the African, the old guy with the piss on his pants. Fucking tremendous. We've been around a long time. So I figured that I'm on just a very savoir-faire type of podcast. Can you put it on Twitter please? Because I couldn't do it from the house. Yeah, of course. But I'm no alive and rocking and rolling. So I went and saw Jeopardy tape today. I saw that. It was pretty great. You didn't get a good time with mom? Yeah. Do you have a gummy bear or? No. So do you walked in there? I was the youngest person there. Are

they bust a group of school kids in? But like people who signed up, everyone was like 90. They had three bathroom breaks. Little old ladies that look like Martin Scorsese's mom. Pretty much. No, no, I mean, I didn't participate. Why don't you go on? You're smart, dude. No, I mean, I would like to, but no. You should go on a game show. You're just laying around. What game show would you be good at? That must be a good 80s show. Suck my dick. That's the game show. Let's work through it. What's the game show? What do you do? It's coming down to the stage is Amanda. Suck this dick. From Brooklyn, Ohio. Hi, Amanda. How are you? You married? How many kids? You got 14. Why are you here? You're a school teacher,

but we need money for a house. So what is your deal? Listen, I could suck a dick. And then you get another school teacher from the Bronx, and they both suck the host's dick. Who makes the host's eyes pop? I don't fucking know. Eat a cookie? What are they? No game show. You think I sit at home and watch fucking game shows? You know, I'm a king of swing. You've watched a game show as you get a hammer, and you break into somebody's house. That's my game show. It's called burglary. That's the game show I fucking grew up in. What is it called on the price is right? Where you get a whole bunch of gifts or what? It's like a grab bag. No, there's a group of things. Behind door number A is this. A washing machine. That's what the prize

is on a mic. Let me suck your dick. Come on down and suck my dick. No, that's no. No, the gift is you get to break into somebody's house and have like 30 seconds before they call the cops. That's actually a pretty good game show. You got to write something new every day, but you took mom today. That's very nice of you. Yeah. Even though if I was you, I would have paid you. I would have given the Mexican chick 20 bucks. She's studying right now. What the fuck? What she's doing? You give her 20 bucks, come on over. I got to talk to you about this on this fucking whatever marital law passed. You ain't going to do good in that division. You're taking mom down in jeopardy today to knock

him out of the fucking park. Rodrigo's going to law school or something. Really? Yeah. I got a year complete, stopped and fucking been on the road and shit, but I got a year complete criminal law fucking torts. That's yeah. Contracts. Do you like it? Part time, but at least he's going. A lot of motherfuckers don't go. Yeah. I like that shit because the law, this is what's up with that shit. In the end, whatever you do, whether it's fucking a contract and civil or fucking getting sued civilly or something criminal, you end up in the fucking courthouse. This nation built on law. It's a constitution. So that's the essential part where everybody goes in the end. You know what I mean? If you ain't got no fucking legal help or if you ain't got a hookup or you got no money,

fuck you're fucked. That's why people that rule the world, you know, use these motherfuckers to articulate their deals. So when are you going to go back to school? I'm thinking about a year. In a year, you're going back. I'm just how much time do you have left? Two years? Yeah. That's a great commercial for your future law firm. Hey, dog, with those law shit, you gotta have a good representation. Yeah, that and then, you know, you got to pass a lot of practice, but you need a lawyer every fucking day and we just don't get it. And that's why we continue to get fucked in the ass. Think about it. When you get in a car wreck, there's lawyers involved. Yeah. When you're doing fucking, when you're buying a fucking car, that's a contract

right there. That's a legal binding contract. You don't pay that shit. They'll take you to fucking court and boom, make your ass pay, put a lien on your ass. My mom's a lawyer. Oh shit. She's already talked to me about you should trademark flying Jew. That's a bad ass little local, a little shirt and a little cape on the back. That's a pimp ass shirt. I'm not doing the one with the cape. No, that one's that one's prototype. I have the hummus one now. Oh, the hummus. Sorry. It would be nice just to hide an attorney. And also to know the, you know, to have a you, you, you mentioned that you've had attorney homies and friends that you know that actually give you the ins and out. Maybe you can do something yourself or like

have some advice without charging you fucking 300, 500, a thousand dollars an hour. You know, so interesting the whole law thing, like how lucky I was with it. Now I came about and how I learned about it. And I knew from the very beginning, I knew from growing up in a house in the world, my mom and stepdad lived in. They always had an attorney and they had an attorney you could call it two in the morning. That's it. I need your cell phone number. I need the phone next to where you sleep because in our business, it goes down to three, three in the morning. Is it like a fear of loathing on Las Vegas attorney or is it like a real legit? No, you have to be legit. Well, the fucker that has a license to be practiced. Whether you're doing bad shit or you're doing

good shit, you need an attorney. No matter what, it all ends up in that fucking room in front of that guy in the fucking with the gown. It's just a court. If you do 10 million a year, you're going to pay a guy a million a year. Wow. But you're going to say four million by paying him a million. So why are you fucking around? It's a painful million, but every move you make is covered. You look at a motherfucker and go, come here. What do you make usually a year? Well, what do you make usually? I make 700 times. I'm going to give you a million. But tell you what that million entitles. When I call you, I don't want to hear a boot. Like if you're playing with your kids, I'm like a mafia don. I need you there. And this guy covers you. Like Homeboy and Carlitos

way, but you just took it too far. Have you seen Breaking Bad? Yes. With that with Saul. Is there people like that? There are people like Saul, but those guys always get stabbed. Those guys always get shot. Really? Yeah, they take money. Whoever they take the money from. They think they're cool because they're standing at the tip of the law. Okay. But some guy that you took $80,000 from that gets out of prison and was counting on his $80,000, he's going to shoot you. Fuck. He's going to shoot you. You know, when people go away to prison sometimes, I knew people gave away money to their attorneys to hold. There you go. They got out, the attorney's gone. And there you go too. That's not a good decision. And there you go, $300,000, $400,000. To some people,

it's nothing. To a guy getting out of fucking jail, that's a lot of fucking money. That's a mad nest right there. You know, that guy's killed somebody. Why would he run away with his money? If I had a great client, I'm an attorney, and he pays me a great retainer a year. That's how you have them on hold. You have to give them a hundred percent customer satisfaction, you know, and think of all this, like I'd call them at three in the morning. Hey man, I just went on American Airlines and fucking, they're trying to fuck with me on an upgrade. You better get those motherfuckers on the stick. My fucking got me first class. Yeah, he's giving me an upgrade. You got to go in there. I mean, that's what they,

but at the end of the week, that's what they do. Yeah. When you have a guy listening there, isn't it? Let's get this out of the way. For you to be a great attorney, you've had to have walked a little bit on the criminal side at some part of the other one. Both sides of it. You don't want your attorney. We live in a fucking joke world, and the joke world we live in is that we hire Lee's mom. I just got busted with 30 kilos of blood. I call Lee's mom, and I give Lee's mom money. She sets up the bail. She gets me out of there, and Lee's mom is going to take the court win. If that's what I think, I'm fucking deadly wrong. You have to get an attorney who knows his way around the courthouse. Hell yeah, they have to cancel paperwork, how to stall this

attorney, how to stall this judge, how this guy works, how this guy works. And then, you know what, man, and unity of their strength, the Boston Red Sox didn't win the World Series that year, because one guy wanted for them. So when you have a great attorney, you have a great attorney team. Hell yeah. And they cost money. Oh, they cost money. So that's why in the end of the week, you got to figure in, well, listen guys, we made $6 million, and we paid this guy $700,000. Let's pay this guy a million next year, but we got to make $9 million to make him be worth a million. Yeah. What he's getting paid for. So like, you've talked about how your, your lawyer bills in Colorado were $18,000, roughly, right? Let's say you paid, let's say you had

$100,000. Is there an amount of money you could have spent for a lawyer that would have just gotten you off, even though it's a serious crime? There was, there was no lawyer that would have got me off. Just mitigate it down. They give you lesser time if that guy's good. This was the problem. Every case has something. Okay. Every criminal case has something. Something hinges on. Let's give you two examples. The same attorney has Rodrigo and Joe Diaz. And Rodrigo killed the guy in self-defense, but he's poor. And Joe Diaz shot a cop, but he's paying a half million dollars. I guarantee I'll get four years, but Rodrigo will get 12. Because it's kind of fucked up. Even when he's an attorney, he's going to work. If the more money

he's worth and more money you give him, the harder he's going to work for you. If you say you try to get some money together in the fucking bills, $25,000, you only got $5,000, you're going to get $5,000 worth of work. Do you guys consider that racist? What's that? About like how? It's just a battle with the resources in the end. Even when you're in the game and you've got an attorney, say this corporation has these attorneys, you know, who's badass? Who can actually win that team that you can get together and beat the shit out of those other guys and prevail? Yeah. But there's also a kid out there that just graduated college. You're looking at him. He doesn't look like much of an attorney. You know, but you could tell you don't sleep much. He sleeps in his car. A homeboy from

the Rain Man. This is his whole life. The Rain Man. And you go to him and you go, this is what I need for $3,000 and he gets you off. I've been involved with attorneys since I was a young man overlooking my mother. My mother would take me so I could interpret. Okay. So yeah. So as a kid, you know, I went to the city of New York or Jersey. This is in Jersey when she had Sam DeLuca. Sam DeLuca was the main attorney. And I learned a lot from Sam DeLuca because Sam DeLuca didn't have a, what do you call that? He didn't have a sense of humor. And he just told you you got a pen and paper, piece of paper, Joey, Jose, no, won't grab one. Tell your mother this. Tell your mother that she got, they heard her on the phone. They heard her on the phone taking numbers.

Did you hear her voice? No, we didn't hear her voice. But her number was dialed. And she picked up the phone and somebody picked up the phone. Her number was omitted. Here's the deal. They got her. Let's pretend they have her on the phone. Whatever your mom wants to do right now. So this is what's going to happen. They're going to give us six years. But if she wants to do two years, it's going to cost $75,000. If she wants to do one year, it's going to cost $100,000. If she wants to do no time, it's going to cost $150,000. I need $75,000 on my desk by Monday. Because I got to get the DA working on this. And I got to get an investigator to do the tapes and this and this and this. That's it. That's it. Especially like a place like New Jersey, where they already have

that established. They already have that established. So let me know, let me know what your mom wants to do. How's the bar doing? Everything's doing good. All right. I got a 1030. I'll see your mom. Tell your mom I love it. I'll see you in two weeks. I need the money. How do you think the lawyer gets into that? It's just how you feel. That's how you feel. He was 50. You see that he's been doing it since he was 28. Yeah. 25 years. You feel a lot of people and you give and take. Yeah. Yeah. It's a give and take. That's the other thing. It's a give and take. What if I'm representing him and me and I go in front of the DA and I go listen, DA has paid me some money. Give Rodrigo 50 fucking years. Make Rodrigo a scapegoat. That happens too. Fuck. Whether you want to not believe

that shit, that shit. And whether you want to believe it or not, it works. That's what the legal system is and sometimes you get caught. And I thought when I got arrested and I went through what I did, I thought I was getting the shaft and I was very fortunate. I didn't have an attorney again from the time I was a kid. Then I got a pro bono attorney after my mom died and tried to help me with some stuff and nothing ever panned out. Then I got in trouble and I had a hiring attorney. He was a cool motherfucker. He was a crazy dude. Then I got out of Jersey City. I don't know what his name was. I know I had to take a bus to see him, but he would tell me the same shit. A Italian dude or what was he? He was like an Irish kid, a white Irish dude. He shared an

office with the people who stamp your paperwork. The black lady from next door, the notary. Notary? She was a notary. He was just fucking wild, but he got the job done. He went to like Rutgers and something else along. I had him for a burglary through weapons charge. I had him for Telling people discussing their college professors. Oh, hey, that dude for math. I had that dude for a burglary. Then I left and then I called him on that like one in the morning and this is how quick it was. I asked the bailiff to go on my paperwork and see what the attorney was on the case. He came back and he gave me the guy's number. I called his number. It was an old school answer machine. I had the number, but if this is an emergency, call me at the home. I blasted that

motherfucker two in the morning. He was like, Joey Diaz, great to hear from you. Two in the morning. You still owe me 175 from the last case. What can I do for you? I go, remember that case? They just arrested me on the phone. Okay. This is what you're going to do. You're going to put the bailiff on the phone, but when can you show up with 500 at my office? I'm going to get you out tonight. All right. We're winking. I mean, that's how good he was. That's crazy. 500 the next day. I had to go borrow 315. Take a bus to his fucking place. 500 bucks, but I'm out. They're hustlers. Your job is to stay out. So let's say I'm a drug dealer, like a big drug dealer, and I have a bunch of money. If I get

arrested, do I get to use that money to pay for a lawyer? Well, whatever they don't get. If they find that shit on you, they're confiscating that shit, taking it as evidence. So let's say you have 500,000 at your mom's, 500,000 at your dad's, 200,000 at my house, and 200,000 at some restaurant, you know, some Mexicans that have a safe in the back. Yeah, because that's what you do after a while. After a while, you're starting making so much money. You don't want a line. So you just go to your buddies and go, isn't it? If I pay your rent for a year, you can put a safe in the water when nobody in this fucking house gone. Nobody in this fucking house. I got a half a million there. I'm not going to give you the combination and you

ain't going to be able to get into it. But there's a half a million in there. If this goes missing, I'm putting a bullet in your head. But until that time to pay your rent for a year, what would you do, Lee? It's a good deal. It's a little scary with a bullet in the head, but it's a good deal. They put it in your restaurant. Let's say I got 2.5 million, and they take me for 1.5. I got a million, all right? So I call an attorney. I have, Rodrigo, go pick up a half a million, bring it to the attorney in the morning. I'll be up by the afternoon, don't raise bail and get me out of there. As soon as that deposit's made, shit. Shit's cracking.

Right. Now I got a half a million to work with. I got material on the street, and I'm out. But I'm out. The 1.5, that the cops found in your house, you're never getting that back. You might get back two hours. Especially when it comes to that high-level shit or anybody. You don't want to be in that cage. And as good as your guy is, that's why some of the fuckers never go to jail. You pay to stay out of the cage. Because no matter what, while I'm out, I'm making money. That's the most important thing. Operation keeps rolling. That's what's the most important thing to keep my client out to make him money.

If he listens to what I have to tell him, I'll keep him out for years. I'll keep him out for fucking 18,000 fucking years. It's going to cost them. It's going to cost them, you know? Yeah. But it is kind of fucked up about how, so like so many white, like not, but stereotypically white people. You guys get pulled over time. Yeah. You get DUI. Some people are going to hire an attorney and pay $2,000 and get away with murder. I'm not saying murder, but they're not going to overlook a lot of things with an attorney. They're not going to overlook with you by yourself. So it's a big decision to say, well, am I cheap? Because at the end, that's still going to cost me, but you might get this reduced. You might

do things you might not know. There's a program. That guy's good. He'll be like, you know, you said my, you know, my client's eyes were blurry in the picture. You took a picture of him three hours, two, two hours later, you know, his eyes were fucking blurry and shit. They weren't, they weren't red, you know, shit hinges on that. He could show a very interesting story. I'll tell you that. I never told in the podcast. I got in trouble in Seattle, but I had been in trouble in in, this is how sharp some people are, because this is all the law is, is you being sharp with your words. So I had gotten arrested in Colorado. I had done time. Okay. I had two felonies in Colorado. I got arrested in Seattle five, six years later. It was a felony.

This attorney went in and convinced the DA to put me in this program where there's no jail time from the slow charge on the first felony. They went, they dropped it down to nothing, harassment, and they threw it out. I didn't get a felony. She threw the paperwork and she goes, they're going to catch it. And I'm going to play stupid. I'm going to go, oh, I didn't know about his record. She ran it. They signed it. The one in Denver? Yeah. The DA never signed the paperwork. So this is what a sharp attorney does, just little things like that, little things like that, that they overlooked,

but she could have said, no, he's got a felony. I'll never get away with it. She don't fuck it. Let me run it by her. See if she catches it. She's on no motherfucking toes. When she came to see me, I went to the office and she goes, I got you in that program. They never caught the felonies too late now. I paid that woman $1,200. What happens if you skip bail? Then you're done. You got a warrant. Then a bail comes out to you in a warrant. But here's the worst thing about skipping bail, that now I can't get out. Now you're making it tougher to get out. All those years, me fucking around, the number one lesson a friend of mine told me was like,

make all your court appearances. They hate that shit. Failure to appear. They double that shit. FTAs, FTAs, don't fuck with FTAs. Do not mess with failure to appear. All the way. If you got to be that nine, get there at 830. And you know what? One of those motherfuckers just keep clogging up the system, making that shit slower. You know what I mean? Fucking with them. They get pissed. Don't fuck with the system. I had an attorney one time. In that sense. I borrowed a friend's car. I must have been 18. And I did something. I got like a speeding ticket and something else, driving a zone or something.

It was like a 600-dollar ticket back then. Fuck, damn. It was something fucking heavy. Cross over the double yellows and shit. And I signed the ticket and the guy impounded my friend's car and I had to borrow 300 to get the car out. You know, I was embarrassed for a few days. I had a court date and I told my friend about it. He goes, bro, call my cousin. And I called his cousin. I told the cousin the truth. The guy goes, listen, if you give me like 125 and give me a half gram of coke, I'm gonna fucking teach you some shit. And I go, all right. I gave him 125. I gave him a half gram of coke. He scheduled it. The ticket was like for the following month, maybe. He scheduled for

like three months. After about, he's like, you're not going to court like in November. I'm like, it's fucking July. He's like, yeah, he pushed it back. And he had it for 9.30 on a Wednesday morning. But he told me to show up to the court at 10 o'clock. He goes, I don't want you in the court before 9.30. I want them to set a bail. I want them to set a bench for it. And I'm gonna walk you in there at 10.05. He goes, you got like two and a half hours before it gets to the bookkeeper. This guy was a bad motherfucker. And the cop went, cop got up, left. I was there. Psyced his ass out. Little things like that. So for $175, if I didn't have that $175, I would have got points.

Was he even a lawyer or was he just like your buddy? Imagine if he does that shit 10 times in one day. Yeah, scooping up change. So I don't know if you even talked about it. If you don't want to, you don't have to. But like, what's going on with Seattle and the warrant up there? It's the same shit, Lee. They want me to turn myself in and go in. That's it. So but it's not skipping bail because if you skip bail, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, it's a, it's a 17 year old warrant of me not going to anger management class. That's fucked up. So they want me to go to class and then to present the paperwork. By the way, Greg and Linda sent us robes. Oh, thank you. And they give certificate for us for Ruth Chris.

Oh, nice. So we'll go eat that motherfucker next week and we'll thank them and send them a little care package to them shirts and whatnot. That whole process, I was always intrigued with it. Before comedy, before film, before anything, I wanted to be an attorney. That's where the shit works. And I went to, I sent the guy who got me into the, I found him on Facebook. The guy who got me into the CUOP Opportunity Program in the University of Colorado. I found him on Facebook and I friended him. I never heard back. And I sent him one of those Puerto Rican messages.

What's a Puerto Rican message? They cost you like 50 cents or something. Something crazy. I have no idea what you're talking about. And I never replied back, but I just wanted to thank him and let him know. He pushed really hard for me for me to get to the CUOP in Boulder. And I had all the tools in Boulder, guys. I had all the tools in Boulder, guys. I had them over a fucking barrel the first time in my life.

But the addiction, the love for the Coke was strong and the love to become an attorney. That was it looking back at it? It was, that's exactly it. That's why you kidnapped somebody. Why would you kidnap somebody? Listen, guys. I was in the CUOP, getting the fucking chocolate. I was in the CUOP work study program.

They gave me 2,000 cash a semester just for being in the program. Just to start out? Then they gave me a $22 Pell, which is free. Another grant? Which is free. That's free money. So I was getting $22,000 just fucking semester. And if I was greedy, they'd give me another $2,600 for a loan.

And I could get like another 22 of those $1,000, $81 Latino Organization of America. They'll give you $800. Lulac and shit? Yeah. Just write him a letter? Louis Lamar. That's it. You just write him a letter?

Can't write him a letter? I'm saying 50 fucking bucks. And it's really amazing how much money they have available to you. There's money just sitting there. There's money just sitting there. There's money just sitting there. They have to spend it by having it in their budget to give out, you know. If you contact the power of Christ and power.

All right. You'll give me like 100 milligrams. What's that? How do you feel from that? That was 20 milligrams. Fucked up. No, it wasn't. You said those were 30 milligrams and it turned out to be 30 milligrams each.

So I had 90 milligrams. How'd you feel? Fucked up. You went home the next day and you had no fucking muscles, aches, you were walking the treadmill like a soldier. How many minutes you just had? 45. How many calories you got left?

I don't know. Not many. Like 500 maybe? 400. You said I don't know. I haven't, I didn't put my dinner in. So I don't know how much it is. You work out every day?

I try to. I try to. It's like usually six days a week. I went like two weeks straight without missing a day once. Hell yeah. I just got a jump rope. Why would you say that in front of Joey? You know who Joey is.

You don't tell me you got a jump rope. I just got a jump rope. I used to like six times this time. Okay, so a jump rope is very good for you. Oh, come on. I went to Jeopardy and he gave me shit and he said he has a jump rope. Five minutes on a jump rope is equivalent to 20 minutes of job. And the reason I want to do it is just because like fuck it.

I just played 12 bucks for this thing. Fuck trying to be cheap, not go to a gym. If I really want to work out, just pull that shit inside the truck and do it. And just fuck it. That's part of it. Just imprisoning people with a jump rope, push-ups, some squats, some sit-ups. The basic shit. The basic shit.

You look like fucking. Everybody wants to put on some gear and go to the gym. Can you do like spin thing where you like cross them? Oh, I don't know about all that shit. Fuck you all. But it's traditional. They took really good care of me. So he was Mexican dude.

So again, when we spoke about law as a counselor, he goes, oh yeah, dude, just give me the word. And I'd say, what are you talking about? Just give me the word. Because I'll get you into the law school like that. The dude who did this and this is a fucking Mexican dude. So he says this to me. He says this to me about this Mexican dude that runs the dean of the law school.

They were very white and bolder. So what they were trying to like, the first attorney I had when I kidnapped Bella, was named with Sonny Flowers. And his mother was the first black attorney to graduate from the University of Colorado. It was a black guy named Sonny. Sonny Flowers. And his mother was the first black attorney. Yes.

So this is how I touch these people's lives and they touch my lives. This is why I was very fortunate to do that. No, those are fucking opportunities that don't fucking come around. And never regular people. I wanted to be an attorney and here I am involved in this thing. So my delusional mind, because delusion, when you're fucking delusional, in my delusional mind, I was going to beat this kidnapping case. I was really going to beat this kidnapping case.

And at this time, I wasn't as delusional as I was at 21. Sometimes when we're 21 and it was called not accepting responsibility, which made me delusional, we'll go back to the Joe Rogan conversation in a little while. We'll talk about that. I know you want to talk about that. You're young, so you don't really play. You place the blame on all the things around you. So at that time, I was fucking delusional.

But by the time I got to CUOP, by the time I kidnapped Canada. Now, this guy tells me about his buddy in the law school and how, all you have to do is make a call. And if I complete this program, I'm the first guys on the list, because this is a feather in that cap. I was part of Latino, but it was for blacks and Latinos. Fucking affirmative action. And guys, I would never do it.

But Colorado came to me after I had taken like 60 credits. They came to me and said, you have to transfer. If you transfer into a regular thing, we're not going to accept you. But if you transfer into Jose Diaz, we'll take him to CUOP and we'll give you this. And it was a great opportunity for a guy like me. I lost my mother. I didn't get Social Security. I didn't do anything.

So I felt okay. Finally, the system's giving me something. Grab a little something. So I took advantage of the system. I was there for two semesters and I got in trouble for the kidnapping. And then I continued to go to CU while I was out on bail. They didn't need to know. It was nobody's fucking business that I was out on bail.

It made the papers, but nobody caught it. Not like Jeremy called me into his office and said, hey man, what's going on here? So I never told nobody. So in the process, I get in trouble in Boulder. I fire sunny flowers and I pick up and I pick up the phone. And who do I contact? Deluca.

My mother's old attorney. This is, I haven't seen Santa Luca since the wake, eight years early. And what do you say? I tell him my situation that I'm having a problem in Boulder. I kidnapped some dude. I need to bail money. I had bail money. And he said to me, kid, I got to be honest with you.

How much money do you have? I'm not looking yet. And I said, I probably got 20 grand. He goes, it's going to cost you 40 just for me to get on the plane. And that's not for the hotel room or the limo. That's just to start things off. Or the suit for your preliminary hearing. Because he likes suits.

So you got to show up with an eight-hour suit. Is there some fools that go in there for performance? Yeah, amazing. It was fucking amazing. He goes, I'll tell you what I will do. I have a friend at the University of Colorado, Spanish dude. You're going to love him. So the same friend that James Jeremillo had was the same friend Santa Luca had.

In Colorado. In Colorado. So I took his number and I called the guy direct. And the guy was willing to see me for a small fee. They always told me. He wanted $400 an hour. He goes, I will consult you for $400 an hour. Guys, I thought my head was going to blow up.

But when I called his office and I told the Luca, because at that point, the Luca didn't even pick up the phone no more. His receptionist was like, well, he wants to know what you want. I go, he wants $400 an hour. And she goes, hold on a click. And he got back and he goes, listen, you either do it or you don't. But kidnapping, I would listen to this guy paid the 400 bucks. And I went in there like on a Monday at five.

And the guy sat with me from five to about seven thirty. And he told me that you're going to jail. He goes, I read this. I was reading it. And he goes, that's what I do. As I read them, I let you know. And they're going off the facts. Your charges are going off the facts.

He goes, when I read this, oh my God, that was you. You're famous. And we start talking. He goes, here's the deal. They found the machine gun. I mean, listen, brother, right there while I was talking to him, he picked up a phone. And he was like, when did you get arrested?

November 18. DS, okay. Yeah, hold on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Give me five minutes. I'll have your file here. And this is 20 years ago. He goes, I'll have your file here faxed in 10 minutes.

Money talks. Tell me your story. And I told him, within seven, eight minutes, some badass white chicken would have filed this thing. And just handed it to him. He put his glasses on, took out the police report, read it, took this, took that, started doing circles. And he goes, here it is, man.

You're getting charged with kidnapping one and two. He goes, you pay me 50,000 cash. And I'll handle everything, the appeal, everything. But I got bad news for you. You're doing 90 days. 90 days. Because you're doing 90 to 120 days. That ain't shit.

But he goes, you're doing it in a work release. He goes, this is if I go in, if you cut me a check right now for $40,000, I'll get on the phone before you leave. By next Tuesday, I'll have a deal. You will do 120 days in a work release program. But you'll be out in the street, six, seven hours a day to work. Maybe I'll let you take a class, maybe take a drug class.

But you'll be out. For kidnapping in the machine gun? That's it? But he goes, this is the deal. You're going to do 100 days, no matter what. Even if you pay me three, because I told him, so for $40,000. Because I was already kidnapped 10 more motherfuckers. Because kidnapping is hard for him.

That's 99 years. But he already had a plan down his mind. This guy was this slick. He goes, what I'm going to do is this. He goes, I'll charge you. So I was like, what if I gave you 60? Because you're still going to do 120 days. So that was mandatory amount of what?

What if I gave you 100? What you're still going to do 140 days? He goes, you got caught with a weapon. He goes, that's not your weapon. Your fingerprint was on it. But two out of three people say, you were in that room and that weapon was in the room. You're going down.

So he goes, I know you don't have the money to pay me, but I'll tell you what I will do. I'll push you to three attorneys. But if you walk them with these three attorneys, then I can intimidate the judge or the city of Boulder. You can't go into the city of Boulder with a double-breasted bald-headed guy that talks like me. They're going to throw you out.

They're going to throw you in jail. And I think this guy was telling me. He goes, if you're going there with me, they're going to throw you in jail. They know what I'm worth. They know I spend 52 dollars for lunch every day for myself. They don't like that shit. They don't like that.

You could tell by this guy's suit. He was in Mexico or he was in a country club. He played golf. He fucking shot Poo with the president of the United States. At that time, he had done something. This Mexican put some law together in Colorado. And he was a good looking dude. He looked white.

You know, he didn't look Mexican. He had played Poo with somebody. Like, it was him and some president playing Poo. So he knew people. He knew people. And that's the other thing. Political help. So you're a judge.

You're in the fourth district. All that shit helps. You really want political help. I have a client, Lisa Ayat. His wife says she smacked the doctor. Said nothing happened. I know you can find it in your heart to see somewhere in between that.

And if you do, I will make that call. You're on. And when it's time for you to get reelected to the fourth Senate of the Judicial of Washington, I will be there. And that's how it is. It's a matter of words. Because everybody knows. Everybody's worth 250 votes.

When you die, they make 250 mass cards. Everybody knows 250 people. So if you know 250 people, and I badmouth you, the 250 people, those 250 people are going to go badmouthing. You know, when you want to get somebody out of jail, you don't pay a lot of money. Sometimes you just start writing letters to the judge. Piles of letters.

Letters that every time he looks at when he sees your name, and he goes, Jesus Christ. Because not only is he getting political help, but all the way, I mean, not only are you letting the judge know you know people, and you have ties to the community, but you're also letting the judge know that you have friends. And those friends are voters. And those voters, someday you're going to vote.

They're going to vote for you because you let their friend go. That too. You have no idea, Lee, how many ways there is to skin a cat. There's a thousand ways to skin a cat. Hell yeah, dog. Shit. It's different ways of working. It's just that if you know the system,

you can figure it out and play with it. And that's why I like law. I personally would have done very well with law, because there's a thousand ways to get to the end of that valley. Coming from a criminal family, I know the importance of one thing. Staying out in the street is everything. If you get arrested at 1115, and you get to the cell at 1145, and I'm there at 1150, I'm going to get you on the one o'clock docket.

Okay. Well, you might not make that docket till Monday if you get arrested Friday morning. Oh, you're fucked. And you're a Mexican and fucking out like us. I'll tell you in front of the cops. I'm following this cop car to the fucking station. That means that cop car got to do 50 miles an hour.

Can't do 10. So sometimes they hold you just to hold you for three or four days. If you have an attorney, I'm going to get right there with you. Boom, I'm going to put you on that five o'clock docket. Let's go. Lee, go to the house and get 50 G's cash. Lee, go to the other house and get another 200,000 cash. We're getting this motherfucker out today.

Phone calls are made. Yeah. Go see the Jew bail bonds. Up on a supportive bullet bar, give him 250,000. We're going to get this guy a million dollars bail. Yeah, but it's 10% he don't matter. He won't do it unless you give him that's how it's. Hell yeah.

And right there, you got your client out for the weekend. Now he could go out and he could think. Now he could figure out how he could listen. Like I said, all those expenses that you and I look at, and our head explodes, a serious businessman looks at and says, it's a cost of doing business. Oh yeah. It's a cost of doing business to keep that fucking machine going.

I'm going to look at the figure. I'm going to rip it up and it's all, I got to go steal with three hands now. Hell yeah. You know, I got to go steal with three fucking hands. And that's it. You know, the best time to get arrested is after you've been arrested. What?

Best time you to get arrested is after you've been arrested. I thought it was the opposite of that. No. So let's say you stab somebody on Monday and you get out on Tuesday, you get the malook on you. You will get arrested by Friday. 50% of people get arrested for something stupid. That's just the way it is. This is the law of recidivism.

Yeah. And it's, so I don't even know my point. This is fucking cool. Motherfuckers probably fucking get it. It's giving you that perpetual fucking criminality. The perpetual criminality. So I know one thing for a fact that like when I got out for kidnapping, I was, I knew that I had to make a living and I knew that I had to do anything I had to

to survive. I was trying to put away money. And I tried to play it as cool as I wanted to. But Sears had no security. And when Sears has no security and 1000 CDs and I'm pocketing $10 per CD, do the fucking math. Plus those box kits, those Bruce Springsteen born in the USA. I was getting 40 back in the day for those box sets and they had 50 of them just lying there.

They had the box of Bruce on it. The box right there, huh? I was going in there every day taking five boxcats of Bruce Springsteen. Just walking out with that shirt? When I was out on bail for kidnapping. Under your shirt? Or like? Not even.

Gangster. What's that? That's that Korean guy that jumps up and down ganglang style? Gangman style? Ganglang style. Gangman style. I walk out of the gangman style. That's a shit.

I would buy like a shirt at the Sears, a t-shirt. And I would keep the bag and I would pick up the CDs with that hand. I wouldn't even put it in the bag. So if somebody was watching me, they saw the bag, but they didn't see the CDs on the other side of my hand. Oh shit. Old school. Old school.

The grip of fucking death of my looks. So I did that. I was doing it every day. Every day when I'm out on bail for kidnapping. And secondly, Berkeley. Is this fucking coming up with living money? And I was just coming up with living money. And I would go in there every day and one day,

two little fucking homo sapiens started, excuse me, excuse me, I need to speak to you. I started running. Lost prevention guys? And they're like, and every time they got close to me, I'd do a fucking stupid. I ripped a fucking DVD out of me. And there was two of them.

Then one guy went ahead of me with like a little golf course. And I fought him for a couple of minutes. No you didn't. This isn't true. This is a true story. And they arrested me, but I gave him a fake fucking name. And they let me out under the fake fucking name. This is crazy shit.

What name did you give? What was this? What name did you give? I can't write, I can't say that. But the kid whose name I gave called me a year later. And he's like, dog, somebody got arrested in Colorado and used my name. I'm fucking howling the back.

Oh, we could have done something like that. This is how cool I was. I went back to court, pled guilty under his name, and that did the community service and paid the fine. Because I didn't want to. Is that one of the criminal records now? Because you just give it. Yeah, what are you going to do?

Sometimes. You don't want to further smudge his record? He was pissed. To this day, to this day, he knows it's me, but he won't accuse me. That's how much I love him and he loves me. At least you didn't get a failure to appear. But he'll bring it up.

He'll bring it up every once in a while. Somebody fucking stole my gun and used it in Colorado. At that time, whatever time I got arrested or pulled over, whatever name I had in my mind, I just give it up. George Washington. Really, that's your name? George Washington. I'm tiny.

George fucking Washington. I used to have a great time with that. So this Mexican dude was very solid. You know, people always badmouth attorneys. No, this guy could have robbed me because he had me. Because I could have offered him at that time 20,000. I would have given him 20,000. I would have came back a month later with another 20,000.

I would have robbed it or sold blow. I would have done whatever to stay out of jail. Yeah, I had to come up with that. But he told me the truth. He goes, listen, it is what you're going to do. You're going to call one of these three attorneys. You're going to pay them that fee. You're going to give them five grand on top of that fee.

You're going to tell them go to work. And he's going to go to work for you. And this is, and he drew a piece of paper, little things they added. You had to mention to them. Because I don't want them to know you came to see me. But I want you to mention these things to me. And I saw this fucking geeky attorney who wore a bow tie.

I went to see all three of them. And they were all white dudes, all very nerdy, all very sports oriented. The one I went to see that I really like was a fucking nerd. The way he answered the phone, the way he spoke, it was very nerdish. And I went to see him and I go, this is my guy. Because he's already different.

He already has something different about him. He's noticeable. There was something about him. He was tall, he was lanky, but he wore a bow tie. Persuasive as a motherfucker. And he took me to lunch. I gave him the money, what he wanted. He wanted a 10 and I gave him a 15.

And I had five left over. I was going to go to jail with five grand. And I said, mom, and we started talking. And then he goes, listen, for three grand more, I don't get the appeal going. Because we were talking. I go, what are you talking about, appeal? He goes, listen.

He goes, you're going away. He goes, what I try to do is, the reason why you gave me this money is to lower the amount of time that you go away. Because before I cast this check, I just want you to know you're going away. Nothing could save you from going away. He goes, you're going to do six months. Same thing the Mexican do to him.

He goes, you're going to do six months. He goes, I'm going to get you on a reconsideration bond. And I'm going to get you on a look at that. And then they'll do it. But they don't like weapons and boulder. That was the thing that fucked you up. He goes, they just don't like them. You had a fucking machine gun.

No two ways of looking at it. Yeah, you're a nice guy. You know, this guy. Pro long force. Yeah, they don't like that. You had a fucking machine gun. And there was a potential for violence. You know what potential for violence is?

A thousand things could have gone wrong. Right now we're sitting here talking about what if we have a gun and we get into an argument about the Red Sox. You know, and he says, I gotta do what I gotta do. There's a potential for violence. When he said those words, I understood what he was saying. There's a knucklehead as I was at the time. I understood what he was saying.

And he had a plan for me of what things needed to be done for him to present to the judge to show him I was changing. You know, and I did everything he said to the T. But guess what I wouldn't say? Well, I kidnapped the dude. Every meeting he got me with people that mattered. They would say, so how do you feel about that? And I'd go into stupidity mode.

Fuck that dude. It was his fault. He was a drug dealer. Why? I don't know. So this day I just don't know. And then he goes, have you? And then there was one lady who liked me from the jump.

She used some New York City from like 91st, and we both went to the same grammar school. We both knew the same people. And we got into it in the office. I kept saying it was his fault. He had drugs. I was just a superhero trying to take the drugs off the street. And they're like, are you fucking retarded?

Why don't you just say that fucking you, you fucking... Messed up. You messed up and you robbed them. And I said, everything but that. Everything but that, Lee. Well, the weather was sunny out, you know? And it gets fucking, and I look back now, and now when people do it to me, I just stop.

After the first one, I just turn around. Because you're lost. There's nothing I could do as a friend to help you. Because I... And how do I know that guy? Because you're looking at him. I'm telling you right now that everybody... It was always something else.

It was always Lee's fault. But the car, the fucking 405, the rain. A huge problem with that in high school. Yeah. And a Spanish teacher actually came up to me and was like... Checked you. Talked to me and she... When I was making an excuse for something, she's like,

Listen, you're always making excuses. It's never your fault. And like, I don't remember her name, but I remember that conversation. And I'm sure I still do it sometimes. It's always easier to blame something else. But I try not to do it too much. The easiest thing is just to say you did it.

And oh my God, I... Because I get it. For years, I didn't do it. You settled the dust out. Yeah, it's done. There's nowhere I could go. Well, Lee, we got to get it done by men. Now, Lee will do it.

Lee's the type of motherfucker. Lee ain't scared of work. But Lee knows that it's just such a shitty way to live. It's such a... You torture yourself with that shit. And I'm going to stand up. I see it really bad. I see people stuck in a position and stand up because

they will not take a look and go, This is what needs to be done. Oh, I thought Paul Rodriguez was going to take me on the road and make me a star. Because a lot of people fucking think that. A lot of fucking people think that. You know, listen, I could tell you I didn't, but I'm sure I did.

I'm sure that somewhere in my mind, I was hoping that some big star would take me fucking on the road. I mean, when I met Joe, Joe was no big star. Joe wasn't making nothing. He wasn't selling that. He was selling that because he was on a TV show, but everybody was running out of it. Because first I went up and then he went up and he was just...

Yeah, I remember they had that sign posted outside. Yeah. If you... He's not the Joe Rogan from the TV show, ladies and gentlemen. But you've seen, you've seen the negative. You okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've seen the negative of that.

I'm sure we're like, some comedians would be like, Oh, Joey's not doing great. He just has Joe Rogan help. I mean, it's not even... Like when I had the same thing. Absolutely. Yeah. Remember when you got the longest yard and shit people were all saying?

Remember when you were like fucking selling Coke to fucking Adam Sandler? And then that's how you got the fucking roll. It's like... You believed that. Come on, man. That's what they do. People... Dude, this full fucking winner got some dude to record him,

put a little fucking football suit on and did his own little thing, send it in, boom. But if people believe that or think that fucking shit just happens, all fucking somebody snatches you up, dude. It's fucking years of work. I learned something early on in this city that in 98 that as soon as you mix drugs in Lee, it's over. I heard a really interesting story about Gan Lafini one time. God bless his son.

I'm not a bad mouth. I heard Gan Lafini was crazy. You know, again, everybody knows. It's common fact that Gan Lafini did a lot about him. Once he got the Sopranos, he went fucking deep. He was the king of fucking New York, you know? I mean, and he took the title from like something like Jackie Gleason. To take me the king of New York, you know what that means, Lee?

That any place you used to go into, if they were thinking of closing, they ain't closing. That's Derek G the type of shit, Lee. Hell yeah. We were closing. We have Derek G the one that... Okay. What does he want?

Is he hungry? The chef was about to leave. Not anymore. Not anymore. You're on overtime. We don't give a fuck. That's New York City. You know, there's no...

Well, we have a curfew. You know, we'll take him in the back. Oh fuck, they get this. This is what they live for. Hell yeah. A celebrity coming into that place, you know? So everybody knows Gan Lafini was nuts, but they said before all that, he was here.

And he lived in Sunset and Gardner, where I lived, up the corner there. And he used to party with that karate teacher. You know, that karate teacher, where he used to go. Yeah. That little thing there. He wasn't a karate teacher back then. He was like a white belt. That karate teacher got into Tang Sudeau because of drugs.

His sister made him go to Tang Sudeau when he got out of rehab. So he was like a white belt. He told him, he goes, I kept doing coats. I became like a green belt. And then it made sense. You know, I can't get fucking high. So he... We used to go to a place with Gan Lafini.

So I had heard that story from him. And then there's a guy I met. I can't remember. He was in the movie Splash. And he told me that he used to get Harry Gan Lafini on the weekends. He goes, oh my God. When he was doing the submarine movie.

Chris and Todd. Oh, he goes, fuck. On the weekends, he'd get that check and go to Marina Del Rey. And he goes, he'd do the last line Sunday night at 8 o'clock at night. Sleep. And Monday morning he'd be on that four or five for the fucking set, you know. So he goes to... He was the real thing.

Yeah. He was the real deal. He goes, he called them after the first year of the Sopranos. He still had his number. And he called them and then he goes, hey, Jimmy. It's, you know, Simon Bob. It's a karate teacher. It's a karate teacher right there.

Over there fucking around with all these people. And he goes... Los Angeles. Yeah. And he goes up. Imagine shit, hell yeah. And he goes, you know, oh, that's great. It's still around.

You're doing great. But that was a long time ago, man. Good luck to you and your ventures. And he just hung up on... You know, it's just... I'm not saying nothing bad about Gan Lafini. But when you do drugs at somebody, they lose that respect for you sometimes.

And I had it happen to me. I had a guy that was helping me. And one night he goes, hey, man, I'm gonna bind my brother-in-law and he needs an A-ball. And I got him an A-ball. And after that, he wouldn't return my calls. And it was the weirdest thing. And then there was a time that a friend of mine went to a pitch meeting.

And he brought me up. He's like, Joey Diaz, Lee, you okay? No. He's fucking fried over there. Finish your story, though. What did he bring up? What do you mean? He said something about Joey Diaz.

And there he goes, that Coke Fiend? Oh, no. That same kid. I had him at the comedy store one night. And he told me, man, I have a showcase. I'm a little down. I go, you want to do a blast? He goes, I haven't done one a year.

I go, take this blast. It doesn't blast. And I go, hey, take a package to go. Because in those days, Chewy used to sell you seven packages for $100. They're $20 each. But if you bought seven of them, he'd give them to you for $100.

You had two for free. So I said, hey, take one. I'm not going to do all seven of these fucking things. Hell, yeah. Take one. And the kid ratted me out like that. The kid was doing coke with me. Called me a Coke Fiend.

So do you understand me when it comes to that shit I always learned not to do drugs with those people early on? Just because when I got the longest yard, it wasn't about drugs at all. After about four or five weeks, people smelled weed. You know? Now they got in trouble right away for weed. Oh, really?

But I didn't say nothing to him. I may believe like I didn't know. When I heard he got thrown out of the hotel for smoking weed, I may believe like I didn't know. So it wasn't till we got to LA where fucking people let Lewis and started smoking big weed. But still, I wasn't a pot dealer. I didn't sell nobody coke.

And out of all those 17 weeks, there was one time towards the NLA where somebody came to me and said, hey, man, somebody said that you know the area that I should be about below. And I said, I'll be honest with you. I don't know nothing about nothing. I'm George Washington. But I go, if you pull up with a limo to the back of El Compadre,

somebody will sell you something. You know what I'm saying? And I guess they went over there and they scored. You know, I go, if you go to El Compadre with a limo in the back, not in the front, if you go on the front, that blows your cover. But if you pull that motherfucker tight in the back and that little skinny hallway,

you give that fucking limo an extra 30, that Arab, you give him an extra 40, that fucking Benzini, he'll get you in there. No, we do. I don't know if you ever used to say, yeah, you go over there and score in your little bit. All like, fuck the guitar. March player, you give him a 20 and fuck one,

comes out of the guitar. I have no idea how many nights I went over there to score. But what got me towards the end was that these people knew I didn't movies and shit. And they would look at me like they would feel bad for me, Lee. Why? I don't know because they're in Hollywood. He is a guy that in their mind,

like they thought I had everything. And why is he coming over here for this? Why is he coming over here for this? You know, like, I should have been really happy to hear him going to the same place twice. And probably going to the other guys one time. Each night? Three or four nights a week.

I get a spot at the store just to go out of the house. I get a spot at the store just to go out of the house to force me to go to El Compadre. And I'd pick up a gram there. And let's say I had 60. I'd stop by my other guys and pick up a gram there because why go home late at the end? And I'd go home and start fucking blasting that shit

like a soldier. And if I ran out by midnight, I'd go right back to El Compadre. Those are back in the days we used to say that shit all. Some guys pull out rabbits out of hats. I pull out half grams. Oh my God. I was crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy.

I'm so happy you're not around for that at all. I think you would have got disgusted by now. Not disgusted, but that would be scary. It was scary. It was very scary for a while. It was very scary for a while. You're just going full blast, huh? What's that?

Full blast, huh? Yeah, that was, I went full blast from probably 2000. No, I went full blast from 98 to 2007. Who are you kidding? I think I slowed down when I first got here. I was adjusting. I was still playing. I was still looking at the terrain and shit.

You were always constantly working like auditioning, doing a bar, doing two spots a night, going back to Hollywood, shooting out to the wild coyotes, tortillas, all that shit. But that was my main thing. Tortillas and all that. That was my cocaine money. That was my 60, 70 dollars that I could spend. I didn't have to justify it.

Where'd you go tonight? Why went here? I brought 30 dollars home, plus that's all you made. Yeah, they only paid 30 dollars. But in meanwhile, I had already spent 60 on the Coke and 20 on gas and fucking 10 on a bag a week. Because in those days, it was like 15 for a week. You know, we got like a gram and a half or 15 bucks.

It was terribly, terrible. You wouldn't have liked it. Hey, that one brother had some bomb ass weed. Remember, he would sell in 20s, and you would hook it up for us every now and then when we would go to the comedy store? Yeah, he would come around and deliver it. He'd bring it up from up north. Oh, we'd start from a good little connection.

I'm shocked. Don't get me right. Don Sleazy. Don Sleazy, Sleazy. Look at, look at, look at Sal and Bob getting rushed out for you. She was tight, though. We fucked him up one day in the afternoon. When we ate the, when he ate the first cookie, you want a cookie?

No. We already ate two a piece. I'll take another one. No, you didn't. Oh my gosh. No, you can't eat another one of these, Sal and Bob. Dude, no, you can't do that. Fuck, we're going deep tonight.

This is something Matthew Dolores sent me. This is chocolate. They're vegan. Sparkle, cookie. They're sugar free. Bliss, right? Guys, I got to be as honest as I can with you. I was so fucked up on this for two days.

I was fucked up on this from Sunday night straight to Monday night. Just popping them? Well, you thought there were 10 milligrams and they turned out to be 30. I didn't feel it until about a half hour ago. The light just went out, but it felt good. Oh, oh my God. These are, this is something that if you get your hands on these, they gluten free, vegan free. They're freaking vegans.

They're no ground up vegans. They are so fucking good. But that's back in the day when I got all fucked up that one day, is when you used to go kick it right at the spice company and then go to fortune gym. That one guy, Big Mike, remember? We'll get you in there, you knew those fat little legs. Oh God damn, that shit fucking. One of the only?

One of them. No, no, no, no. One of them. Take one of them or two of them. No, no, no, no, no. You only got like 10 milligrams. Oh, I had 100 milligrams. How do you know?

Because we had one of those cookies before. That's a cookie we had when we freaked out driving down to San Diego. That's not a freak out moment. And we got lost in the woods. Ah, fuck. Going to a casino. I'm not going to be wrong, I'm tired. I had a freak out moment in San Diego like in 2002, 2001.

Fuck. We used to do an active class and then get high on Tuesdays. Then I would go to acupuncture. So there's one day, the deal was if we went to the weed store, the spice company, Tuesday at 11 o'clock and opened, he'd bring edibles for us. And we'd be at his samplers. What? This is early.

This is way before that she got all possible. Yes. This is when it was still rice, crispy treats, chocolate bars. What else? Like when they had nugget and fucking peanuts and then covered with chocolate. Like they were still big. Yeah, hell yeah. Big old fucking.

They were still big desert type things. And some of them were delicious, but some of them were just gross. And if we were there at 11 o'clock, he would give us a deal on weed, but he'd give us bags of rice, crispy treats. And he didn't know what he was doing. He was a chef. So he kept saying, I think these are strong. I think these are strong.

I don't know what I did here. Other shit with that shit though. It's when they mix it one fucking cookie or one thing, make it more fucking mixture than the other one. You might eat that motherfucker. There might be fucking fucking shit up bombing Hiroshima. Like it fucking hit my ass. So it hit him.

That's how I feel right now. We either had to carry him. God, his feet were dragging. I had never had this. All of us were just hitting madbomb hits inside with that fool. Smoked two joints. And then I ate a whole one of those, just an entire just a little bar. And then we walked into that fortune gym and shit chilling.

And like 15 minutes later, I just started fucking sweating and got a fucking clap. And I was like, dude, I swear to God, dude, the fucking shit was just boom, boom. And the fucking cook, it was like, I was going through a fucked up tunnel and I just walked outside because I thought I was going to puke. And I grabbed a hold of the fucking railings. And if it wasn't for the fucking railings, I would have just ate shit. That's so crazy.

That's fucked up. That's how long we've been doing animals that time. I used to get fucking hammered in the afternoon. You used to. You could only do that. Ralphie may got tickets for me, him and somebody else. Maybe Gavin Boyd to go see the Red Sox. Was it the Red Sox?

No, it was the Dodgers against somebody. Oh, against Clemens. But it wasn't. He was a rocket. He used to be an astral rocket. Never forget Ralphie picking me up. And it was like a garbage bag. Filled with edibles.

But it was a big designer bag. So it was just huge. And these are the days when you went next to Dukes. You know what Dukes is next to the whiskey at Gogo? Two doors down from there. They had a weed store that that's how I first went into a weed store. I wouldn't go. Joe Rogan did have the first license for weed here for years.

And he would torment me about going to that's when he used to drive to Crenshaw. It was in Crenshaw on tip only. You went in, you took what you wanted and you tipped on the way out. And he would bring home lollipops and floaters and I would go, this is garbage. But then there was a girl, he used to sell cookies and you'd get fucked up. Little, little cookies. So I was like curious, but I didn't want to go get my license. I just didn't want to put my name in the file.

And then one day we were eating breakfast at Dukes. And some black guy comes and he goes, man, are you from the Congress? So we started talking. Because you want to come over and buy some weed? So I started buying weed and I saw all the shit they had and I was sold. That's it. Once I went in one time and saw 15 different weeds and three sativas and lollipops and candy bars. You started getting what's going on and shit.

I was like, done. Okay. That's a whole other world. They let me in like 10 times. Then I went and got a license. And I loved it. I loved the whole experience. That's why I used to go there.

The pharmacy. The pharmacy was the place in town, Lee. If you went to the pharmacy, you were a bad motherfucker. Every time you went to the pharmacy, it was tons of action. People shooting dice for weed. They had ice cream. Hey, like all, like if you paid 60 for weed somewhere, you paid 85 there and you wanted to. Because that was the place to be seen and shit.

I didn't know this. I just went down there because they told me to go down there. And that's when I put $5,000 on one of my credit cards in one month. What? My girlfriend, Terry Clark, at the time, was fucking pissed. He's my wife now. You did not put $5,000 in one month on weed? $500 a day I was putting on this motherfucker.

$220. Oh, you're just kidding. $180. They had, in those days, they wanted $90 an eighth. How much is now? $35. Oh, fuck. Hell yeah.

$90 an eighth. I would get two eighths. What? Some other weed. Weed was fucking expensive. Expensive. She was going $70 and $80 and, you know, the shit was getting better though. And I'm smoking an eighth a day.

$20,000 a month. I'm smoking an eighth a day. Oh, Jesus. You always had shit. Always, always. All types of shit. That's fucked up. And after that, I slowed it down a little bit.

Then Kushmart opened. Once Kushmart opened, they lowered the bar. They always lowered it to like $15 and then. What, as far as pricing and shit? Yeah, it was like $30. When it started getting reasonable? Yeah. Because more weed opened up and it just got competitive and motherfuckers couldn't slay

you like that. Kushmart was giving me for $20. They would give me an edible and a gram of the strongest weed a day, the whatever it was called. That the Matzo G? Yeah, the Matzo G. Oh, that was deaf. Let me give some shout outs real quick. What's up, Al?

Hey, Mosey. Oh, look, Oliva. Oliver. Grayson. Derittle. Corn. No, Lauren Rosenkirk. You know, I love you.

God suck it. And Richard Bond. Stay black. I left my glasses in the car. So I'm a little fucked up. Regina, I'm happy you came on time. Hell yeah, man. I've known you for a long time, before the longest yard.

I think I knew you before Spider-Man too. Yeah, well fucking with Felipe in 2001. That's who I was with over there at the fucking Gilbert's room. Gilbert's room. This is Joe Diaz fool. How you doing, little bum? So this weekend we're going to the vegan. Yeah, yeah, I feel like he's getting married.

I'll talk to him about it. I'm a very happy family, very happy, he's happy. Monday I started that film. You know, I'm like everybody else, man. When I came to this town I had expectations, but not expectations. I had expectations of maybe doing okay as a stand-up. You know, what was okay as a stand-up?

Maybe going on the road, hooking up with a rap band, making money to IOD or whatever the fuck was going to happen to me. That was my expectation. My expectation was never to do TV or film. I knew nothing about that world. Was I interested? Yeah, we're all fucking interested. You know, you're always interested.

But it was a world that would see him so far away, you know. Lee, when he first came, when we first started doing the podcast, he told me he didn't want to talk on the podcast. You know, in his world it seemed very fucking far away. You know, now he talks on the fucking podcast. You know, once you do it and you see that it ain't shit, you know, you're like, ah, this ain't nothing. And I got one of those dog movies again.

This is my sixth movie in five years. And I do it with Dean Cain. You know, hell yeah. What's his name? Kevin James, his brother. Oh, Heffernan? No, that's his character. Oh.

Anyway, they summed ABC family. And after the first two, I got very whatever to them. Like it was just another day, you know. I would still read the script. I'd still make notes. I'd still do my job. But I always felt very like there was just another day for me. You know, it's not a move that's backwards or forwards.

It's just a move I make once a year or sometimes twice a year. And they're kids movies. And from time to time, people come up to me and go, hey man, I saw you on a kid's movie on Twitter. Joey's on ABC family or whatever. So when they called me for the sixth one, I got to be honest with you, I didn't want to do it. And what's that?

Been there, done that. I'm not a battle. You know, I don't like milk and stuff. I'm not going to go on stage for this guy's been seen as a dog that saved Halloween. You don't want to be part of the franchise no more? No, it wasn't that. It just was that I want to move on to something else

in the back of my mind. What that is, I don't know. In the back of my mind. But they do them in December. It's like I miss a bunch of stuff. They accommodate you to the max. They don't pay you the most amount of money. But guys, it's work.

You know, today, I got a little confused and I was thinking about some of the staff on the crew that they basically get a hundred a day and most of them volunteer for credit or learn to do what they're doing. And for a couple of minutes, I was like, oh my God, they fucking go there and they do this all day for 12 hours for free.

That's rip off. And I go, wait a second. We did the same thing for years. I still do it. You still do it. Lee, you got to do it. You got to give them your time before they give you anything anymore.

Hell yeah. Anything anymore. You go to a job at UPS. You got to do the application. You got to drive there, walk, park the car, go back there, give you ID. You're already working for free. Do a I-fucking thing.

Yeah, it's amazing how much you have to give before somebody gives you something back. And a lot of people don't understand that concept. Like when they start a career, whether it's security guard or something, I tell them they might say, you listen, bro, I'm a bodyguard. You want to fucking learn how to be a bodyguard?

Be here tomorrow night at six o'clock. You'll shout on me. How much are you going to pay me? Nothing. You're going to learn. You're going to see how I open the door for people. Fuck that. I ain't doing nothing for free.

Okay, you're going to sit at home. That's what happened. That's basically the fuck it. So it's just, I got caught up with that. Like I can't believe the producers don't pay these kids. They work 12 hours. Fuck.

Everybody has to pay their fucking dues. Man, how many fucking comedy shows for years? It cost you $6 in gas or $3 in gas or $8 to get a fucking drink or soda or something. And you go on stage and you do it. And you know what you're doing to lose a night? You're doing to lose a night. But you still got to do it.

Yeah, you minus $10. At the end of the night, you came out negative. You dropped 10 bucks to go do this fucking gig. But then you go, you know what? But I did the gig. I'm not losing money on these movies. But after three days, I got to tell you something. When I drove the first day, I was like, this is a mistake.

When I got to the trailer and I looked at the wardrobe, I said, this is a mistake. But after I did two or three scenes, and then Dean Kain came in and I did some scenes with him and I did some scenes. And today I had to dress up like a woman. Which I really, which I really fucking hate in this bar. Do you have a picture of it?

No. Why do you have a picture of it? No. Because I don't take pictures. I don't take pictures. You know, I don't take pictures. What did you wear? I don't know.

A wig. That is something. That is something that I've always fucking despised. And when I went to the script, I called those guys up and I said, listen, I know that's part of the script. Me dressing up like a woman. And I'm no Steve McQueen. I can't tell you to change the script or whatever.

All I want is that we shoot it quick. I don't feel good in a fucking dress. I just never like that. I don't get the gag. After I walk out, I still got this fucking get up on. I don't get it. And I had to sit there and make up and I had to pee today. So I had to walk across the hall with a skirt on

with a hooded sweatshirt. Some fucking gay gangbanger. And I had to go up in that hallway and see another eight people. I had mascara. I looked like Mimi through fucking what's her name. Do you care to show a shit? I'm the fucking ugliest woman you've ever seen. But I did it.

And I have to tell you something, guys. I'm a drunk home. Listen to what an actor does is to go outside his comfort zone. You know, I don't feel comfortable in a dress. Why, Joey? Because you're anti. You know, I'm not anti nothing. I got dick.

I don't want to wear fucking dress. I got a dick between my legs. Just something about having that. I don't want to fucking wear a dress. Yeah, I love that. Oh, Joey, you're saying gay guys wear dresses. What about? No, I'm not saying nothing.

I'm just saying in my fucking world, I don't want to fucking wear a dress. No, do I want to have mascara on? No makeup. I don't want nobody to get confused. You know what I'm saying? You don't have to go for a white castle burger right now. Oh, yeah, but did they put mascara on you?

Like, just one white castle burger right now. Oh, how opinion on that? Just one white castle burger right now with a diapepsie. Who's better than you, Lee? No, they put mascara on in the wig and he arranged it out. I'm like, that's not the point. The point is, when I got in the fucking car, I was like, wow, I didn't get mad today.

I didn't get pissed off. Nothing. I mean, the day went smooth. I played it funny. I did the best job. Hell yeah. You know, I made some notes and then when you get to the set, you access the set and you see what you can play with

and what limitations you got. And it's like, you know, for me, I do these stupid fucking ABC films. They're kids involved. You know, they have okay food. The people are very nice. I've done four movies with 60% of the people. They haven't moved on.

This is a crew that they do two Disney movies and like four lifetime movies a year. So when they come to do a movie, if it takes somebody else 30 days, it takes these motherfuckers 16. Damn, half? They'll shoot fucking 10 pages in three hours. We shot that fucking jewelry store scene today.

And I know the lyrics. I know my words, 70% of my words going in. Once we start rehearsing and blocking and fucking, I get that shit down and you're done. You know, you're done. So, but I felt good about it. Just went in there and tore it up. When I was driving in, I felt shitty.

And I bet a lot of people listen to podcasts and go to work every day. Sometimes they feel shitty about driving to work. Fuck yeah. To boss or something. Hell yeah. But by the third day, even though you didn't get a raise, even though-

You just say, it's not that bad. It's not that bad. You made your money, but you learned something and you helped somebody and you did a good job doing it. And at the end of the week, you forget about those things. Sometimes we're always caught up in money

and why we should make more. But we forget about doing the job right. When maybe we had the opportunity to do it wrong. Maybe he ain't at least not watching me. I don't like to lick these envelopes about these bitches. Like, what the fuck? That's a great job. I'm gonna look like a fucking bitch.

What the fuck? You know, it's gonna be embo- Cat tongue and shit. You lickin' dicks and shit. What the fuck you like? What the fuck you like licking? But I'm very fortunate that I- Listen, who's working in December?

Who do you know that's on a job for eight days on December? Tomorrow I got a short day. I go on a 12. I probably work through seven. Friday, I probably got a- I have like- I'm the first shot, but then I have nothing to like the eighth shot.

So I- To that, I wrote, you know, I wrote two pages of shit just for that day, you know? So I'm never missing a beat, you know? Is it cool to have a trailer? Those always seem like they'd be fun. Listen, the size of this trailer is the size of that couch. Really?

Yeah, it's garbage. I have- The bathroom, I'm not gonna lie to nobody, I don't even fit. If I pull the bed down, I don't fit in the bathroom. I gotta pull the bed up, and I fit- And I wish I was lying to you people at home. I do not fit in the bathroom. It's a little couch.

It's a little couch. I don't know if it's a couch, a bed, a ping-pong boom. I don't know what the fuck it is. But that's, you know, it's not a trailer. I have a plug for my phone. I have a mirror. I have a thing where I put my knee pads so I could fucking fall on my knees if they throw me down.

You know, it's whatever. I don't- And then, for the longest time, I had a great trailer. I had a DVD player. I had air conditioning. I had everything in that fucking room, you know? Some movies, you get boxes. Some movies, they smell like Pista trailers.

You know, some movies you can't believe you're in this fucking hole. But this is it. This is the life you chose. So you look at little things like that. Every once in a while, you snap. I almost snapped yesterday because the air conditioner broke in the trailer, and it was just my fucking trailer. They're like, why don't you move your stuff to number five?

Really? Now. So I opened up the back window and I opened up the front door. At least I had circulation. I want you to just lay down and I'm making notes. The air flow is true, believe it. How lucky am I, whether I have air or not? I'm working on a movie that's going to get released,

that not everybody's going to see it, but it's a movie. I never thought I'd be in a fucking movie. That's real shit. I never thought I'd be in a fucking movie, you know? I never thought I'd do anything. Not that I'm better than anybody. I just never thought in my mind that stand up would lead to fucking doing a movie with Superman.

I look at that motherfucker. I'm like, this motherfucker was Superman. Yeah, I wonder if he's so super if he knows how many fucking butts of weed I got in my pocket. That's very vision. Fuck him. He's a nice kid, though. Dean Cain's a really nice kid.

And you know, something about that motherfucker, he knows everything. This is a rice fool. On a set. Well, he went to Princeton. All right. Really? One of those, where'd he go?

You want to sit down and leave me hanging? I don't know. I thought you went to Princeton. You remember one of these chocolate bonbons or what? No. Not even for Uncle Joe. You don't have to mutate the chocolate bombini. A little chocolate bombini, leave fungalomoonie.

Princeton. Princeton. So he went to Princeton. That's crazy. But his father was a director. He directed Young Guns. Oh, shit. So he knew his way around the set because he did that.

He goes, by the age of 15, I carried wire. I set this up. Oh, that's cool. Because he worked at every division. So it's really crazy when you work with a guy like that. He knows exactly where to stand. He doesn't even need to set a marker. Like, you'd just be walking with Joe cutting the inch

towards my foot. Step on my foot. Like, he'll say shit like that. He'll go, I'll show you in a second. After you do it, he'll show you why. He'll go, I wanted the camera to get your neck and you know what? He's even looking out for the actor next to him. That's how good he is.

I've learned, you know, again, I've been a buddy move with him. When I got into that buddy move with him, it was 2009. I had no idea how to act. I didn't know nothing, Doug. So you just said they're just being Joe ideas and shit. Even the flavor. Well, I did the longest shot in 2005, but it was an ensemble. This is me and somebody else.

And you got to give that whole combination flavor. And he's not the funny guy. He's the straight guy. So I learned how to do that. I didn't never in my dream that I learned about being Avon Costello. You know, I don't know nothing like that, but unless you get involved.

That's all I'm saying. You know, in two years, I hope you do become a fucking attorney. And you can still do your comedy game. You can still do your little fucking comedy game. And you can still pick up 100 here, 200 here on the fucking. You know who to fucking fuck with on the road. And who, you know, give my money up front. The little contract for you and shit.

And you're learning and they're learning. People say you're silent. Why are you doing that contract for 250? You get 500. Really? How many did you do last week? Oh, I don't know. One, I did three at 250.

So that means I beat you. I did three at 250, which made me 750. And you did one at five. So who's ahead of the game? And every one of them was done, done differently. So I learned the experience and how to do each one differently. Lee, I'm ashamed of you.

So I look at it. You know, how fucked up are you doing? I'm super fucked up. Like I know it would be. Hello. We got planned this week on your mother. Going to Dingle. I'm very proud of you.

I don't have a mother. But if I did, I'd treat mine the way you did, except taking her to Jeopardy. I'd pay the 20. And what about again? You should have got the mother-in-law together, made them go to Jeopardy. Oh, no, no, no.

Paula can't. She's studying. So I can't translate. What about the mother-in-law? So you can't translate. You don't need to translate. The mother-in-law, they hug you. They talk about how much they'll let you cook for you.

How lucky are you that your mother came out to see you? Fuck. That's great. What are you taking to tomorrow? Perch. The place with the french fries they don't like. Oh, you're taking the whole family now? On the train?

That's right. And then what are you doing Friday with your mom? I don't know. We'll figure Friday out. Oh, wait, no. We're having Hanukkah Friday night. At your house? Yeah.

And what are you cooking? Hanukkah. A brisket. Oh, shit. And then Saturday, what are we doing? The schedule. We can hang out. You're not taking the Felipe's wedding?

No. Let's take the Felipe's wedding show. My mom can't go to a vegan Mexican wedding. Why not? I have to like prepare her for my Mexican wedding. Listen, let's slash the vegans. Well, let's just hang out with the Mexicans and throw some heat and speak Spanish.

I need to prepare her for my eventual half Mexican wedding. What are you going to do Sunday with her? Oh, fuck. What's that museum in Culver City? Museum of Tolerance? Yeah. That she wants to go to. You want to go to Suffolk?

The Wiesenthal Center? I don't know. Is that what it is? The Museum of Tolerance. Pico, right? Yeah. What is it about? It's a tolerance museum.

They give you the history of like the Holocaust and shit and how it started. Why do Jews want to go to Suffolk? Only these Jews want to go to the other Jews Suffolk. Oh, isn't it sad? Yeah, it's sad. It's done. Leave it alone.

You don't see me going to Cuban museums to look at other Cubans crying and shit. But the thing with that, too? It kicked in the stomach. What do you mean by that, Grace? Well, Wiesenthal, he actually chased like, you know, those criminals, Nazi war criminals and brought him into justice and shit.

I love it. I love what he did, but why don't you go see the Museum of Tolerance? Well, love wants to go. What about like fucking Nagasaki? Can't you go see a Japanese museum where they see a bunch of Japanese people getting stepped on by that jail? It's not as exciting.

You're gonna see your own people suffer. Only Jews go see their own people suffer. What the fuck is wrong with you people? That's together, huh? We like to, we like to. What's with museums anyway? There's no action in museums. Nobody's slipping.

Why are you even there with your mom, Wiesenthal? She wants to go. Who? It's my mom. Who gives a fuck what mom wants to do? You're the Captain Kirkley Enterprise. Tolerance closed. Then the fuck is San Anita?

San Anita open? Oh, she would have hate that. Again, who cares? She wins $20. Was she gonna win $20? She wouldn't even put out 20 cents. No, she don't need to. You just say, mom, I'll put 20 up for you.

Watch this. You're gonna win some money. And you handle $25. Watch the look on my face. So I just won $25. Yes, you did, mom. How did I do that? You better horse.

What's the name of the horse? Fancy Green. I like this horse over here. His name is Bahama Mama. Okay, well fucking Bahama Mama. Next thing I know, they bet $10 and she wins again. Now you got a fucking hook. Then you look her in the face and you listen to your dirty bitch.

What would you rather do? Go to the museum, a town and see a bunch of Jews getting thrown in the oven? Win $20. That's why you want to go see a bunch of Jews looking up screaming as they're getting tossed into some fucking oven. I need that shit in my life. Get the fuck out of here. Let's go, man.

I don't want to go see nobody suffer no more. You know, I don't want to see nobody suffer. Who wants to do a chicken or something? I'm all right with that. You want to step on a fly? Go be it. I'm not going to go see pictures of Chinese people getting stabbed. Fucking heads cut off and shit.

Needs that shit. Thank God no one can cancel us. Well, they only cancel what? We're talking the truth. We're talking about going Jews in the oven. That's what didn't Hitler do that? Well, I didn't make that up. I know that.

This isn't like a picture of them falling into oven. Yes, they do. Somebody's having one of those dictionaries. I wouldn't look at him. He would put like butter on the sheets and then tip the oven so they slid in. I know. He gets creepy shit.

Oh, my mom is going to know you said that. Who said that? Who? I said my mom is going to know you said that. Nobody's going to know. Jews don't listen to this. They're at home counting 20s. Fucking listen to this garbage.

They're at home fucking making it happen. Oh, my goodness. Hell yeah. How do we get on poor Jewish people? I have no idea. The Wiesenthal Center. Oh, yeah. Fuck.

The Wiesenthal Center. Fucking step forward now. I want to see what shit those poor people suffer. Museum of tolerance. I heard what they did to those poor Jews. I just hear it like in conversation with their scabs and shit. That's not even talk about for me.

Like I don't want to talk. I didn't turn that oven joke as a joke. That's the truth. There's not only see pictures of them suffering with their mouths open. I never saw that movie. Schindler's List? No.

No. It's fucked up. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I don't deal with that shit. It's not my bag. Really? Yeah. I don't.

I watched 12 Hours of Slave because I was on a plane. What is the fuck? What is it? 12 Years of Slave. 12 Years of Slave. I was a slave. 12 Hours.

What matters much? One shift. What the fuck is 12 Days of Slave? And the first 30 minutes, guys, I was so fucking uncomfortable. I hate when they get whipped. And I was on the plane. You can't jump off the window. You can't say turn the saw.

And I worked it out and I made peace with myself. When I saw Armistad, I felt weird. When I saw Last Temptation of Christ, I felt weird when I saw Apocalypto, which is a classic film. They fucked those little Mexicans up. Those new breed Mexicans. They hang out down by Alvarado.

You'll see them on the side streets just running there. Lisa Yat, Betty Motherfucka, your mom coming out, my main man Rodrigo. Hell yeah, what's happening? Every botate. This is a time of year I hate this time of year. Why, Christmas time? No, no, no, no, I am not one of those pussies.

I just always think about December 12th. I'm trying to write a book and I write every day and I try to write a story. And what are you writing about? Your life? Or different segments and the things I learned but about three weeks ago, four weeks ago, I was in Philadelphia.

And Thursday night, a handful of these friends of mine came that were friends, but not really like we grew up in different paths, but we all bought coke from the same person or something. So we all knew each other. You want a cookie, Lee? Not even a little bit. You want to smoke a half a number?

No. And this guy Frankie came up to me, he goes, the last time I saw you, was in a rocket ship. It was a rocket ship under 88 Street Park. It was a kids park. Okay. And there was a rocket ship and I would go there

at three in the morning and finished the rest of my coke. I had a winter jacket that was ripped. And I probably had like an eight-ball maybe. And he said I had $15. I had no money. Why would I be under a rocket ship? But I had money. If I had $15, I'd be at the tip-top hotel.

But it was like $22 for a room for the night, you know? But I just found solace under this thing. And there was a water fountain. And every morning I woke up to kids yelling and I was going over and they'd say, Mr. Wake up, you're fucking embarrassing. And I remember one night in rain, I had to go to the second floor

in the rocket ship, but that didn't fit. So I had to like sleep in a circle. You know, and I was skinny then, I could fit. But just all these memories, when he told me this, I always thought about the rocket ship, but I had never written it down and I had never discussed it. But December 12th that year, I was living with this friend of mine's family.

And they found out about the coke and they asked me if I could leave. And I had no money. I had a bag of clothes. And I would ditch my clothes at my friend's house. And that night, instead of going home, I would tell my friends to drop me off at the corner and when they would car would disappear,

I'd go under the rocket ship. And I'd still under the rocket ship and smoke, coke and cry. And I think, but those 12 days, I was basically those lowest days of my life. I was right around, I was 30%, I was 70% homeless. The only thing I had on my side was I had three friends that let me into their house to take showers.

And they'd give me clothes that belonged to their father. And I'd squeeze a 20 out of one of them or a 10, just to go to the bar, just to go to the bar. Because once I had a 20, you go to the bar from there, I'll take it from there. On the type of dude, give me a 20 just to get to the bar. In an hour, I have $150 an eight ball. I know who's got the deal tonight.

But I need that first 20 for face. You can't go into a bar and cut a deal if you're on the tab. But if you put a 20 on the bar, let's see what this guy's got to say. Yeah, listen, what do you want me to do? I got a guy who can be able to grab a ball. What do you want me to do right now? But what about we give you 200 now?

We'll pick it up later. All right, now you got 200 to play with all day. I got 200 to play with. I'm not going to pick up their eight ball till eight o'clock at night. You can do 1,000 things with 200. I'm not even bringing it back. You know, I mean, that's, but those 12 days, I was subhuman.

Like, I feel more guilty about those 12 days than going to prison or kidnapping in Valor. Is it real low and dark? It was just disgusting. I would wake up in the morning, I wouldn't brush my teeth. I go right to the bar. I go to a friend's, take a shower, maybe use my finger and brush my teeth that way.

I go to the hash ways, eat on the arm, and I go to a bar and start my bullshit story for the day. Try to get somebody to buy a gram and another gram. That's two grams to 200. That means I can enable. I sell another half a gram for 50. I got 50 to put in my pocket, plus a gram of blow for me for later. You follow me?

That was my whole racket. But at the end of the night, I went and slept in a fucking rocket ship. I did that till the 31st. I did that till like the 30th or the 29th. And I got a hotel room and I found another page and I robbed them for 2,000 and I never went back. You know what I'm saying? But still, it's just, this is like, I think about the 12th

and it's a 10th or it's Friday. Friday, I'll be thinking, and you say to me like, Joey, why would you think about that? Because that's what keeps me alive, thinking about those times. When I would get up in the morning, that's why when I get up in the morning, I do shit. Because I'm just getting up in the morning

and being under a fucking rocket ship and thinking about how the fuck you got there. Like, how the fuck did I get under this tape? Like, are we fucking crazy? It was horrible. That's it. That's what's on my mind. Like a sap.

Because you were looking at me on weirdly. What's up, dawg? God damn. Not much, buddy. You gonna go home now and see mom? I'm gonna hope she's asleep by the time I get home. It's early bird. Nah, she has to be asleep.

I'll see you at the wedding on Sunday. Hell yeah. Sadly. And yeah, can we plug the podcast? What's up, fool? What's up, fool? Please listen to us. What's up, fool podcast on Stitcher,

iTunes and SoundCloud. See, the dream goes the level had it one. Felipe comes in, he's yelling. You know, it's because I know how you are. You know, like sometimes we'll laugh too loud. Hey, relax. You're around white people. What the fuck are you doing?

You're around relax. Relax, bro. What the fuck is going on? You can't be laughing loud. People knocking on the door. So, yeah. The podcast, Felipe Spars' podcast, and it's on iTunes, Stitcher and SoundCloud.

And we just had Emilio Rivera from Sounds of Erky. He was on this podcast. Emilio Rivera. Twice, twice. Yeah, hell yeah, dude. He's a good dude. Right there. Right there.

He lived by Mondo, originally where I met him. Up the street where Felipe lived in that little same little neighborhood. It was cool. So, yeah, other than that. Oh, and I'll be at the Laugh Factory in Long Beach on December 21st. Everybody, if you want to go out there, there's Leschu. That Latino night. Benny Money.

I made it out there. I only booked that a month in advance. I'm out. I'll miss you first. With Benny Manas. Excuse me, people. I'm very sorry. There's an allergy in the room.

Cat hairs lose his shit. But other than that, yeah, man. Fuckin'. Thank you very much for having me, man. Coco, you know. You keep it real. You're family, bro. The fuckin' family got Lisa.

I don't feel like eating. Now that was you ate an edible in the car. You don't give a fuck. Hell yeah. Turn that shit up. Emilio's show ended last night. And it was a great show. People were disappointed with how it ended and whatnot.

You know, how can you end the show like that? I would have liked to see him gone on the blaze of glory and shot it out with people. But uh... And how did it get you? Did it fuck you up? Did it... How about the Sopranos?

And you liked the contrast with that shit? Remember when that shit, everybody complained about the ending and how it went out like that? Was it that shitty or not like that it was shitty, but it was like that or was different or comfortable? Or... Both of those endings were endings with meanings. That if you watched the show, you got later on.

You know, I don't know what the meaning of the Tony Soprano one was, you know. But I know that some people looked at it like... And this one here, he ices himself. I'm sorry, I'm spoiling it for people. But he pulls in front of a truck and you figure out it's the same truck that drove Gemma to die. You know, so you have to look at it.

There's a, well, who was this guy in the truck? Was he a sort of god? Whatever. Because it was Michael Chiklis who plays the truck driver. And he gives Gemma the ride to Oregon, where he comes and kills it. And then once he's down, his own mother on the show, he shoots it, which that was a bizarre ending.

Yeah, sounds like it. He shoots his own mom. Yeah, he shoots the mother. And it's a great scene. It's a very strong scene. I mean, they did a great job with the show. It's, you know, I told my wife today, it wasn't the best show on TV.

People get mad at me like, Joey, what the fuck? You know, what do you mean the neighbor's pussy? It's about the neighbor's pussy. I'm not talking about nothing bad. It's not the best show on television by far. But it's got entertaining aspects of it. It's got a lot of bullshit aspects. If you know anything about bikers, it's very,

it's too sanitized, you know. But it's entertaining. Me and my wife like it. And the main reason why I watch it is because Emilio's on it. Hell yeah. I would see him and he'd ask me if I watched this show and I'd feel embarrassed. So that's the real reason why I started to watch it.

I fell in love with him. And Jimmy Smith is hard not to fall in love with. And I love Charlie Hoonan, the guy who plays Jack Teller. I fucking love them. I'm full of bad-ass too. So, you know, that's what happens. TV shows end. Am I upset about the ending?

Well, who gives a fuck? It was still traffic on the 405 this morning at 6.30. That's what I was saying. Last time I checked, bitches. Small potatoes. What do you think of what you say? Yeah, let's end this motherfucker. Let's give a shout out to the best motherfucker

sponsor in the world. Let's start out with on it, always a sale going on on it. If you miss a 24-hour sale, they're going to have another spectacular sale. Coming soon, let me know. If you don't know dick about it, let me tell you what it's all about. It's about making you a better motherfucker. That's what it's about.

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Four, and then four in the middle. Before his UFC. So he's eight of them doing the UFC. So everything's always firing. You stay sharp. Go to onit.com. Start with Alpha Brain. If you go to a Chinese restaurant and the pork fried rice sucks,

you ain't going to get nothing else unless you're a fucking retard. Yeah. Right? If the pork fried rice sucks, what else are you going to order? Well, let's try the Mushi Duck. No, it's going to suck even more. Get the fuck out of it. They don't know what they're doing.

These people know what they're doing. They just pay a ton of money for clinical testing on Alpha Brain. But I'm not just selling the Alpha Brain. I'm also trying to tell you to get the Shroom Tech for greater endurance and greater, uh, what's the word we're looking for? Sturability? No, when you fly and you don't want germs. Shroom Tech sports immune for your immune system.

Let's say you eat somebody's asshole. You don't want to get, you don't want to be coughing the next day. You pop two of those Shroom Tech Amunes. Keep that out of your system. And you're fucking singing like an opera singer. Sometimes you'll eat pussy. You got a sore throat the next day because your throat's not familiar with the pussy germs.

So you start talking weird. You end up going to the doctor. He tells you you got a sore throat. But meanwhile, you just say to him, is it was a bad pussy? Not at all. It was just, it's got germs in it. It's always a little yeast infection in the Mancua. And you put it in your fucking throat and that's what happens.

Sometimes you eat some good pussy from time to time. You also get those blinkers in your mouth. You get these little white blisters with a little like white coming there. I've popped any of those. I used to eat this chick that was on, not DMT, but the special K, what is it? Special Molly's GHB. No, MDM, GHB.

And she used to leak this clear thing out of the pussy. I didn't give a fuck. I just, I snorted it like a fucking clam. Like a fucking clam. It was a bustle. Just like that, Lisa. Yeah. All right.

What are we talking about? On it. That's insane. I forgot. So if you bump into somebody's monkey, eat some out of Shroom Tech. I love on it. Go to joeydeers.net or go to the On It page and press in. Church.

Church. CH, UR, CH. And get 10% off your On It order. Don't fuck around. They have a Stay On It program. They deliver the stuff right the door on a monthly motherfucking level. Who's better than On It? Also a shout out to my main man, Dave Foley,

who was on a very interesting podcast last week. IronDragonTV.com. If you're into classic martial arts film, Yip Man, Yip Blue. What's the name? Yip Man series. Yip Man series. Jet Li. If you're into all that kind of...

Jackie Chan. Jackie Chan. The fucking The Assassins. The Thieves. Action movie. If you're into fucking smoking dope, Tai Chi, what is it? I think it was Tai Chi. Tai Chi.

Come on, Li. You're slipping in. You're supposed to be on top. Let's get the notebook out. You're supposed to get the Chinese menu and shit. You got a magic class. No, I went to their webpage. It's pretty interesting.

That's tight. No, it's very tight. The Assassin, The Thieves, Jackie Chan, 1911. They got all these tremendous movies. Go to IronDragonTV right now. I think there's two words. Just go to IronDragonTV.com. Save us the aggravation and press and watch.

Joey. Joey. J-O-E-Y and get two free movies to start off with. Just go with that. Also, 2015, when you're sitting there and your TV looks like dick, they're going to have the 4K technology, correct? Absolutely. And Li went down to your office to check that out.

It was so cool. I'm not a fucking genius about this, but I'm telling you, this foley guy's a sharp guy. I love him. I trust him. He's got some shit coming out that's going to make your fucking head spin. Dude, 4K looks so good. It looks tremendous.

It looks fucking tremendous. And he's going to have the technology like a fucking savage. That's why we do business with people who are on top. We don't want to do business with fucking mooks. Bottom feeders and shit. That's what I'm going to be, and chess and shit. IronDragonTV right now. We spoke about it.

And how can we forget the favorite underwears in the fucking world? I had them on today on this set. Me on these.com. You want comfort? You want a nice fit? The cup holds your fucking nuts together nice and fresh. Go to meonthese.com. Go to their page.

They don't fuck around. Me on these has a great page. They got women. They got thongs. They got the boxer shirt. They got the cup briefs. They got t-shirts. But it all starts at meonthese.com.

You're saying, Joey, why should I go there? You know why, cocksucker? Because right now, until the end of December 31st, they're giving you a free shipping. And? And? 20% off. 20% off for saying the word, code word.

Joey. Joey. J-O-E-Y. Me on these.com. I swear to fucking God, they're comfortable as hell. When you're wearing them, they fucking float. I wear them with a gear, jujitsu. I don't even know I have them on.

And it surrounds your legs. So the sweat don't go down. Your nuts sag. Everything is controlled. You take them off later on. They don't smell. Your nuts don't smell. And that's what you want, confidence.

You don't want to take your nuts on a woman and say, your nuts smell like fucking garlic powder. You don't need that in your life. Me on these.com. Start the year off with some fresh, cheaper, and fucking you're going to buy at the store. And guess what? Again, they get delivered to your house.

Free shipping. Me on these.com. What's the code word they use? Joey. Joey. J-O-E-Y. Or go to joeydears.net. What, Lee?

What? How long are we? What other podcasts? I'm so worried about the way people's balls smell. I want my fucking listeners. I want people who listen to this to leave the house with confidence. I've been one of those people who leave the house

four in the morning. You don't know what your balls smell like. Some chick wants to suck your horn. Some chick wants to suck your horn. And you got no water around. You got to sit there and play guessing game. So when nobody's looking, you got to slip your hand down your pants and scrub the top of your helmet.

You've ever done that? And a sniff of your helmet. It's got that dry piss smell to it. And that's when two people come along. Either me wipes, hand me wipes, from Dr. whatever his name is, or me undies. Because the me undies materials pulls the fucking the moisture from your nut sack and your dick sack.

Go to meundies.com. Why are we talking about this? I'm just trying to help you out. I don't want you to go to a New Year's party, bump into a freak that wants to suck your horn and your dick smells like malaria. And then you go, my dick smells. Why?

Because you don't have me undies on. That's what I'm trying to say to you. And also, you want to start the year off right in the nutritious fucking state of mind. There's no snacks out there for you at the time. What, those things in the vending machine? With the shitty fucking potato chips and barbecue flavor. That shit will fucking kill you.

You understand me? I may be a fat fuck, but I don't need nothing from a vending machine. You know what? Because I got fucking naturebox.com at the house. The best. Nature, tremendous. Nutritious.

Fat free snacks, gluten free. They got whatever the fuck you want. You know what they got right now? One word, free. Free. Free, free, free, free. That's how much they believe in that fucking product. We're not asking you for dick up front.

All we're asking is to go to the box and press in. Do it. Joey Diaz, you're going to get four little bags. No, no, no, just do it. Joey, you're going to get four little bags and one big bag of nutritious healthy snacks like chocolate bombons, cocoa almonds, the right, the blackened, the peppered salt, lentil beans.

You're going to get some shit that's going to blow your fucking mind. That menu grows on a motherfucking daily. Tell them, you know, just sit there like a fucking zombie like they drew you off of a set of breaking bad. I'm talking to you from the heart here. Go to naturebox.com. It's going to blow your mind.

And you know what? I'm not looking for dick. I'm looking to tell you it's free right now to the 31st of the month. Free. Absolutely free. What are you pressing the box? Joey.

No credit card required. You give me your address within five days. You have healthy delicious snacks delivered right to your fucking door. Who's better than you? And you know what that means? You don't have to leave the house. Oh, it's the best.

And they have resealable bags. But you won't need to reseal them? No. Once I open them, they go dead. Yeah, they're gone. They're opening up a gram of blood. You know what I'm saying? It's like getting your dick sucked.

You don't get a half a bullet drop. Is that bomb? You shoot that fucking thing. You shoot that load in that helmet until the wing twist. Same thing. That's a nature box office for you. I love you guys. Thank you very much.

Don't forget next Wednesday I'm at the Long Beach and probably Dean Delroy doing a rock and roll live and fucking podcast. And then myself and Leo be at the Ice House, Pasadena, New Year's Eve, January 31st, the eight o'clock show. Which means you'll be out there by 10.15 doing whatever the fuck you want to do. You're not stuck at some show.

Let's count backwards. Why? You've heard it a thousand times. You watch Destiny Street. Go home, fuck her in the ass, get some champagne, pour some champagne on a pussy, and suck it like a savage. That's what real gangsters do on New Year's Eve. They're not jumping up and down.

Look at me. Get the fuck out of here. Go home, you fuck. Two things. What? It's the Long Beach Live Factory. Not the improv. Second.

Long Beach Live Factory. Next Wednesday, December 17th, eight o'clock, we'll be over there rocking the house. What else, Leo? December 31st is the New Year's Eve. New Year's Eve at Pasadena. The church making a big Saturday. We've got Felipe's wedding.

We'll report on the vegan dishes here. We'll report on the menus to your motherfuckers. We'll be there, man. If anybody gets thrown off the balcony. And besides that, I love you guys. Thank you very much for listening to be a part of the church tonight. Stay black and stay healthy. Hell yeah.

Hit me up on Twitter and Instagram, Rodrigo Torres Jr., Jr.JR. And also, that's it, man. Thank you very much. You guys have a good time, man. Fuck it. Peace out. I have a new hummus t-shirt at lisa.com,

if you want to check it out. Now that the show's over, don't forget to go to naturebox.com and sign up to get your free... Who's the fuck? That's gross. Oh, fuck. He's really big with his shit on the good old time.

That shit got you? I don't know. He's straight as a judge. Look at him. No, I'm not. He's not high at all. He's... He ain't heavy.

He's my brother. Who wants another cookie? No, I'm not. I'm the company that's on me. No, no, no. Oh, you'll be fucked up on the way out. Now that the show's over, don't forget to go to naturebox.com

and sign up to get your free sample box. naturebox.com. That's Joey. That's naturebox.com. That's Joey. What are you doing? Oh, I'm not gonna like this. Me on naturebox.com slash Joey.

Get 20% off your first order of men's and women's underwear. And again, I get... What the fuck's he saying? Anybody know? Hey, look at it. 20% off your first order and free shipping in the United States and Canada.

Go to annant.com. East Cobra Church to get 10% off any of their great supplements like AppleBrain and Numud. And go to irondragontv.com. And East Cobra Joey to get two free rentals. Whatsoever I feel has come to light And whatsoever I've fought all became my life

Just when every day seemed to greet me with a smile The sun's about to fade in Now I'm doing time Now I'm doing time Cause I fell on Black days I fell on Black days

And whatsoever I've killed Sick of my own And whatsoever I've cradled I'll put you down Searched like soul and faith But I can't see it in the night I'm only freaking Will I give it right?

Will I give it right? Cause I fell on Black days I fell on Black days How would I know That this could be my fate How would I know

That this could be my fate To what you wanted to see Good is when you're blind To what you wanted to be Good is made in mind To what you wanted to be Good is made in mind To what you wanted to be

And so don't you lock up something That you wanted to see fly Hands out for shaking No, not tying No, not tying Sick of my own Sick of my own Sick of my own

Sick of my own Sick of my own Sick of my own Cause I fell on Black days I fell on Black days How would I know that this could be my fate?

How would I know that this could be my fate? How would I know that this could be my fate? How would I know that this could be my fate? Humanity