Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #239 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: December 16, 2014

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. Iron Dragon TV. A New Roku channel with all the best martial arts films. Use Code word joey for two free rentals. HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for a 20% discount Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by using code word joeydiaz. Music:  No More Tears -Ozzy Osbourne I Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet Hell Is For Children - Pat Benatar Recorded on 12/15/2014

This show is sponsored by Onit.com. Go to Onit.com and use code word church to get 10% off of all the great supplements like Alphabet, Numu, Shroom Tech Immune, Shroom Tech Sport. It's code word church to get 10% off. The show is also brought to you by hitesigs.com. That's hit letter esigs.com. Better tasting, longer lasting, the proof is in the vape. They have e-cigarettes and e-cigars for you. When you use code word joey's church, you're going to get 20% off of your order. So it's also brought to you by irondragontv.com. What is Iron Dragon TV? Iron Dragon TV is a brand new Roku channel with all of your favorite martial arts movies like the Itman series. Starting in the new year, they're going to have 4k technology. They're going to have stuff for

your tablet. They're awesome. Use code word joey to get two free rentals. And for the premiere vapor print on the market for all the oil and wax smokers out there, go to nailedatlife.com. That's nailedatlife.com and use code word joey's to get 20% off your order. Oh shit, you fucking savages. Monday, December 15th. Ten more days to fucking Christmas. Get your shit together. The church of what's happening now with the king of the Jews, Lisa Yat. What? This is a great idea tonight from one of the fucking guys on Twitter. I forgot all about this little jam jizzy. But it's the church that's what we're bringing it to you, motherfucker. It's high and full effect. December, fuck Santa Claus. It's the beginning of Hanukkah, mother fuckers. Can't get

Lee. Are you fucking kidding me or what? Break out the fucking heroin. It's over. Do you plan what drugs to do for like a certain type of song? Do you ask it or something? There's only one drug you can do to this song. That's a stick of fucking dynamite or like gunpowder. Mix it with coke like they did in that movie. What's up? Monday. Beautiful day to be alive. We're here. Lee Syat, Uncle Joey. Old school tonight. Fuck the guests. Two of you cocksucker. We're going straight up tonight. Old school. Check in with you guys. It's been a while. We've had a lot of great guests from Saratiana. Rich Franklin to Joe Rogan to Gabriel to Ralphie. You're on the way back. Did you see what Gabriel

was doing? What's like a week in one theater in Chicago did like 20,000 seats? Oh, please. He fucking kills America. Then he comes here. He does three nights somewhere in Anaheim and then two nights. Then he's off for fucking New Year's and it's over. If I get out of work early tomorrow, we'll go to his Christmas party. If I get out of work early. I don't know what time we're going. It's supposed to rain here in LA. If you guys don't know when it rains in LA, everything goes fucking kabin. So if you got to leave for work and be there at eight, you usually leave at seven, you got to leave at like 5.45 tomorrow. I wish I would lie to you fucking guys. It's a sad truth. They fall the fuck apart. When you live in Colorado and it snows, it's amazing how it didn't

affect them at all. Like snow was just another day for those people. Like it's snow to foot. People still on time at work. You know, when you live in New York, when I lived in New York, back in the eighties and it would snow, the city would shut down. This is a huge metropolitan city with so many things available to it. Excuse me, the city would shut down in a small town like Aspen, Colorado. It snows a foot and it's gone in two fucking hours. My mom calls me a wimp now. She called me wimp the whole week because I said it was like cold, it was chilly, like 55 degrees and she's coming from Boston. She's like, you're such a wimp now. Oh no, this is, it was cold in the fucking mornings. Listen, you're talking to a guy that

used to fucking bathe in this 40 degrees. Now I get out of the shower and I yell at my wife when I'm putting the heat on. Like take the fuck, she puts it on for a little while and she turns it off because it gets too hot in here too quick. But if you turn it off and I come out of the shower, it's freezing. I like opening the door and that buster heat hits you and it drives you off to the last couple of spots you haven't, you know, fucking dried off. But it gets, you're not used to the weather. You're not used to the cold weather no more. But last week we had rain Friday. We were in a few days last week. Last week, the big storm was Friday and that was the day for some reason. I didn't have to be at work till seven, but I got up like at 430 because in my

sleep I was worried about the rain. They said they're going to call, work for the movie the next day and they pushed it back, but we still worked and they cleared up. But they were scaring fucking white people. Scaring them. Don't go to work. The 91 is backed up. You know how long it took me to get to see me vomit? 20 fucking minutes with the rain. I got the Subaru. I kicked that motherfucker where it's always four wheel drive. And if it hits a puddle, the other tire picks it up. That's how the Subaru engineering works. It just picks it up where a tire, if it hydro planes or something, I got to, I got to the fucking set in 20 minutes. I couldn't believe it. They were scaring fucking Gentiles to death on TV. We don't think we talked about it. Why did they decide not to get like a

Cadillac? I've never been big. I don't like how in LA everybody judges you by your car. Yeah. It really bothers the fuck out of me. I was telling my mom a lot of people here have like Porsches and BMW and studio partners. Everybody has a series three BMW here. Yeah. You know, if you see anybody in the industry, a junior agent, and then as they get there for a while, they get a five series. Listen, I'm not here to impress anybody. I'm here to impress myself. You know, I like the Subaru. I like feeling safe. I like knowing that if it rains, I could think that a Cadillac's a great car and whatever, but I can't pay three to 400 a month and not sleep at night if something does break down. I've always had great success with Subarus and Toyotas. Why would I want to change it

now at this point? Yeah. If I start making an abundance of fucking money, yeah, my second car would be a Cadillac or something, but then I'm going to have a family so I can't be selfish and have to be like, you know, you know what I'm saying? Plus with your daughter, you don't want to have like messes in the back of a Cadillac, I guess. Listen, she could do whatever the fuck she wants. How much I pay for the car? It's my fucking car, you know, and they're going to throw apples on. Kids are going to be kids. Yeah. I went to the park with a Saturday and there was a soccer thing going on, a soccer camp, but it was kids her raise, a little older. Some kids knew what the fuck was going on. The other kids were just too botched. They were just there out in the sun, walking around,

half fucked up. There was a camp for like two-year-olds and one for like four-year-olds. And I'm walking around, I'm watching those two-year-olds because I could see if I could put her in here and my wife and her battle it. I'm like, what's going on? She goes, she wants to go down there. I go, I'm going to let her fucking go down there. I go, you're going to sit there and battle with them. You got to pick your battles with these kids. She's going to run down there anyway. She's going to walk around, touch the net, touch the ball, and then she's going to walk away from those kids. No, she's not. I picked her up, walked her down. That's exactly what she did. She kicked the ball. She saw 20 kids. She looked around. She goes, I don't need this shit. I think

of myself. She walked away, but we signed her up. She's going next Saturday at 11 o'clock. Even though she might not like it, she'll like it. It's kicking the ball. It's running around, falling in leaves. They got two coaches there. They coach you. They tell you what to do. You know, she's mingling. This is what they're supposed to do so that they grow up with fucking social skills. You got to wonder all this shit. They talk about cops and all this. When I was growing up, cops are more involved with you in the next neighborhood. There was the same cop patrol in the same neighborhood. He got to know you. If something went on, he came and saw you. You talked to him. He asked you questions. Now you have all these complaints of cops and aggressive

behavior. Excessive force, yeah. Excessive force. What the fuck do they want to call it? That's because maybe they don't have the right social skills. We do live in a computer generation. Yeah. We're very computer-generated. When I used to deal with people, we leave the house scared if you watch the news. Everybody is fucking fearful. You know, one good thing about the church, I was thinking about this. When I first got into the church, when I got into Beauty and the Beast, or the church, it wasn't to expose Bigfoot. It wasn't to expose steroids. It wasn't to expose Hollywood people that are gay. It wasn't to expose anything. It was to expose life's bullshit that we get fed and either you believe it or you fucking don't and move on, you know.

And do you get nervous, bro? Because I went to the movies with my mom today. And for a second, when they were doing that thing, like if you see any suspicious people tell somebody, for a second, I was like, what would I do if a gunman came in here and I'm here with my mom? When I'm by myself, I don't really worry about it. But like, do you worry about it now when you're going out with mercenaries? I worry about everything and everything. And you'd be an asshole if you wouldn't. You'd be an asshole if you wouldn't. Every day you go on Twitter and there's an explosion somewhere, 14 people got killed. That guy in Australia. The guy in Australia. Every fucking day, people, you get up every morning and if you have a half a heartbeat and you weren't an asshole like I am,

that we actually look at that shit to start your morning. We actually look at that shit to start your morning. Because I do. I'm guilty of it. All right, I won't put the fucking news on and I won't hear visually, but while I'm streaming on Google or whatever the fuck my first page is Yahoo, you see what happens. You know, 14 children get killed in Africa, whatever the fuck, you know, and it stays with you throughout the day. I'm not, listen, I'm not the type of guy that would blame police officers for anything. I know what life is on both sides of the shield. I've seen cops that are stressed out and I've seen people that are stressed out. They just have a bad day. I know one thing about life, people have bad days. You know, there's a guy that you see that he

killed his wife, put in a chunk of the car and then took the three kids and they showed his picture. He's all cracked up and shit. I mean, I don't know a bad day for that. I know that there's bad days that people just leave the house and they have a weapon and they got out of a car in a cops. You know, there's bad days. Did you ever fight with the cops? I know you dealt with them a few times, but no. I couldn't file a complaint against a police officer because every time I've had contact with a police officer, I've always pretty much been a gentleman. When I was a kid, I got hit one time by a cop with a stick in a big melee. I was a young kid, like maybe in the seventh grade. Really? I never had this. It was the night that we felt up their chick's titties and shit

after that basketball game. There was a fight first on the thing and a cop hit me and I didn't know who it was and I wasn't mad at him. I could have been an asshole and made a big drama because I always start from his side of the fucking thing. This is a guy that's just telling us to go and you get hit with a stick, but I've never been ever assaulted before. I've always had good relationships with cops. Like when they've arrested me, I've been cool because they're just doing your job. Or your job is to shut your fucking mouth and don't argue with them and don't tell them that this is what really happened. Don't say a fucking word. That's the best thing you can do. Yes, no, thank you. The handcuffs hurt. They don't fucking hurt. But for me to sit here and say pigs

suck and all that, I can be that type of guy. I never have been. They did a job when they arrested me and they did the best job they could. I can't lie to you. I've never really had. Yeah. Because I go back and forth sometimes, like, should I be protesting? Like, I don't know, like, is this like, is this like an important thing to be doing? But I... Have you ever protested before? No. I just... What are you gonna do? You're gonna get a stick with a fucking sign and walk down there? You would kill me if I if you saw me with a stick. I lived in Boulder and I saw protesters from the CIA would come to town and they'd come to recruit on campus. I don't know if they recruited or they took applications or

they spoke to applicants or whatever the fuck. And there was always little wars on them. These kids would go down there. And then I figured out who these kids were that, you know, they were trust fund kids that just wanted to get some form of attention. I got it, you know. And unless you really believe, it looked like I... I just... It's not that I don't like protesters and what they stand for is I think that sometimes people are down there protesting and they don't even know what they're protesting for. They're just protesting to make friends. It was like that thing I always made fun of, that thing that happened downtown years ago. Some of the Wall Street something. Yeah. The people who were gonna shut down the corporations, but meanwhile they're calling

their mommies on the iPhone, you know what I'm saying? Making videos and sending tweets out. You're not, you're not shutting nobody down. This is what a complete shutdown is throwing all that shit away. You can't stand online on Apple for your fucking phone and all that. Yeah. But you weren't to something very interesting. That was the cop technology. I never... I always knew they had a job. When I was a kid, I was exposed to cops that came in once a week, got an envelope and that was whether it was the bookie place in the Bronx. For a long time, when I went to Catholic school on Saturdays, I helped out this other bookie trail and they always had a relationship with cops and it was a known thing. Listen, I'm going to do this for business.

Nobody's getting hurt. Nobody's getting bit slapped when I'm selling drugs here. Here's an envelope just to make sure everybody knows we're on the legit side. Some people would judge me and say, that's the wrong, you could never pay a cut. That's not from the movies. Like they would actually do that. They'd pay off cops. Do you consider them dirty cops? Well, there's fucking jerks off and there's gentlemen. And that's in every fucking business. There's jerks off and there's gentlemen. There's guys that come in and go, Lee, how you doing? My name is Detective, whatever. This is great that you have a new bar here and everything's fine here. But from 12 to 5, the kid works at Joey Diaz. He's a known phone.

I know he takes book here. And I know that if somebody wants to get a gun or maybe a kilo of coke, he could arrange your front. We could shut you down right now. I could call the ABC and shut you down for employing this guy. But I'm not going to do that. What I'm going to do is I'm going to send somebody in here once a week and you're going to give them an envelope. Let's say, what do you pull out of here a week? Let's say I'm real life Lee. You pull out 13,000. They're going to say 10,000. And you're going to go, okay, he got me. Every week we want 400 a week. All right. That's one cop who comes in, shakes you down. This is the old days. I don't know what happens today. This is when my mother had the bar. You're never going to see that guy again.

Every week a patrol guy is going to come in. So let's say that guy came in. Now, then there's going to be, that's a sheriff. Okay. Then the city cops are going to come in. And he's only wanted 200 and you're going to agree to that because if your alarm goes off, they're going to be there. If you shoot somebody in the bar, they're going to be there and clean it up first. What happened here? This guy pulled the gun. Lee, you sure you put a fake gun in his hand, boom, call the cops. You paid. Now what's going to happen is, but every once in one of those guys go, they retire and you got a young guy who thinks he's slick and he'll come in one night and throw a beat lonely and then say how he wants this much money and then come in there once a month.

Get a couple of drinks on the house, embarrass my mom and embarrass the customers. What the fuck do you do? You go to the other guys and you talk to him and you move him. You got cops like that. In the 60s and 70s, something would always happen with those fucking cops. Really? Yeah. When I was a kid, something would always happen with those cops because you had people that just wanted to do business and they wanted to keep it low key. They just wanted to put their kids through college and they'd help you off. They really did help you out. Like I said, if somebody broke your glass, they were there first to have somebody that had brought up your glass. If your alarm went off and some humped down the corners alarm went off, they came to your alarm. Some

people at home disagreeing with me now, but I'm telling you what I saw as a young man, where the etiquette was in the 60s and the 70s. Do you ever see like a business say no, or did your mom ever say no? I know that there were some businesses that probably said no. I don't know what happened to them, whatever. I know that also if the ABC was out checking IDs or whatever, these city cops came in and told you their schedule. Also, if the DEA was in town shaking down Spanish bars, these city cops told you your schedule. When the DEA comes to town, they have to stay at a hotel. They don't stay at it. They stay at a fancy hotel and they put it under the DEA credit card. People at the hotel that work at the hotel get the word out. The DEA

is in town. That's it. Everybody knows to close up shop, to slow down a little bit. These cops would help you out. So if somebody was watching your bar, they'd tell you somebody's watching your bar. This is full-time coverage. I don't know how it is now. There's drugs involved, there's cracking bombs, there's weapons involved. I don't know. I really don't know. I'm away from that. I don't know how to think because in movies, those cops are always like the bad cops. They're always crooked. But the way you describe it, cops don't make that much money. Everybody in life gets jaded at their job. Some people listen to this right now going, Joey, we don't allow you to have the other side of this. No matter what type of job you do,

you're a working fucking stiff till the end. I'm a working stiff. Lee would have been a working stiff as an editor. You would have got promoted finally as an editor and you're still 28. And when do you retire? 65. So unless you open up your own business, you're a fucking working stiff. For 40 years. So for 40 years, you're a working stiff. Now I don't know if this becomes the same for cops. I'm going to break it down for you guys and break it. Everybody here at some point at 38 goes, what the fuck am I doing? I just saw a bill by mistake. They pay me 15 bucks an hour. They charge 55 for me. And I'm only getting $15 and yet 15 goes to insurance and state taxes, but they're still getting $25 for me for labor wise. I'm making $15 an hour. This is what I'll

do till I'm fucking 65. You know, whatever. Everybody gets jaded at their work. Somebody gets a promotion. You find out some idiot makes more than you. You know, my wife is a fucking hard worker. My wife doesn't believe in theft. When she was a waitress, and you know, she got, she didn't want to work at the store no more than she went to fucking Starbucks. I would talk to my wife. My wife is such a gentile. She doesn't believe in theft. Everything is by the fucking penny. You know, the other day she found that the chiropractor's clipped us for 65 bucks. She goes, I read somewhere that all medical bills are off. They're all wrong. You should go through them. I was off of my insurance. She went through all my bills, found out that I was over, called my insurance, got my

insurance, bumped to level one. My wife is a fucking hawk when it comes to this. She works, she works, she works. Boom. She got pregnant one day, 10 days, 10 years on the job. They pay for a pregnancy. She wasn't doing nothing. She fucking was a slim Jim McGoo. That bitch cried for a week, but she went to work after eight weeks. She went to work and she drove home with her tits leaking, you know, from the milk and she'd feed Mercy and you know, I would see the anguish in her face and I pleaded with her to quit. She told me she couldn't quit. And about three weeks later, she came home one day and she said that they gave her a raise. They gave like a 1.3% raise. And she was never so embarrassed in her life that she's outworked three of the fucking people

and then they took the girl that's the baby's godmother and she had been there for 10, 12 years, 15 years and instead of hiring her, they got somebody from the outside. And she started thinking about how, you know, these people really don't give a fuck that that's why I got into comedy and blah, blah, blah. And she, I was very smart and that was part of it. I was jaded. I didn't want to work for people no more. I was sick and tired. I didn't want to be there. Not in the fucking fight, you know? And I saw my wife get jaded and she goes, I'm quitting. Then she didn't do it for like two months and then she started going back part-time. After three days, she came home and she goes, I can't do it no more. I hate those fucking people. Same thing happens in your

cop. Same thing happens when you truly believe in your heart that you're helping people. You really believe in your heart that you're helping people. And all of a sudden you help somebody, you're calling an ambulance and they get up and try to shoot you. You go to these houses, these people don't give a fuck about you because you're a cop. You're always the enemy no matter what they tell you. I grew up believing in police officers. I really did. I grew up believing and I still do. Even as a criminal, you even as a criminal, I still believe in police officers. I still believe that they do good. But then again, you're going to get guys that are jaded. Then since they work long hours, they get jaded in their personal lives. Their wives leave them.

You know, most of these cops have a few marriages. They get drunk. They don't tell, I can't come home and tell you. I come home at night. What'd you do to that? Shot a movie with Dean Cain. What'd you guys do? Well, today we got chased by a dog. We ran up the stairs and chased the dog and then we ran down and they chased us. Then there's another scene where he puts a string out and we both jump over and we both fall. I can't tell my wife that I saved a kid in the dumpster today and the kid was half burnt. This is an awesome, I tend to do drugs. Also, when I arrest somebody one day and they have three baggies of meth, but I only turn in two of them. I do a little bit of it. God knows what an officer's mind is thinking. I'm not

sticking up for the guy who shot the 12-year-old in Cleveland. I'm not sticking up for hands up. I'm not sticking up for Ferguson. I'm just telling you that before we accused, we have to think of both sides about it. I hate to get into these conversations because they'll always be critics of this, but it's true. Yeah, it's fucking true. I was on both sides and I was very lucky. I never drew on a cup. You ever take a gun out? I was never that fucking crazy. Right. I didn't have that much of a death wish for years. I thought I did, but I really didn't. And a lot of fucked up shit could happen. I drive home under 10. I drive home under 101 only. So do you. How many times you go to fucking Compton? You're a white kid in Compton, right? For a year. You drove to

fucking a bad neighborhood. You're coming home one night. They say, pull this guy over. He's here for drug activity. They pull you out of a fucking car. Where's the drugs? I'm not here for drugs. They smack you. When you go home, how are you going to feel about the cops? Yeah, you're going to hate them. You're going to still feel believed. Not hate them, but you're going to believe in them anymore. Are you ever going to doubt, you know, it's just we get jaded in so many different fucking levels. Yeah. So I just had a cousin who had to quit being a social worker because he'd done it for like two years and he was just like, I can't do it anymore. Every week there's a new kid who gets beat up or it just, it was terrible. I mean, all you could do is live your life the

right way. Yeah. And pray to God you never get accused of something wrongly. And pray to God you're not at the wrong place at the wrong fucking time. Right. You know. So how's the movie going, by the way? The movie is, first off, I didn't want to do this fucking movie. I had the worst attitude about it. Because what they do is they do sag low budget movies. They give you a little taste of the back end. And you get limited visibility. You go on ABC family or Ion or something like that. You know, the first one I gave my blood on this, I fell down. That was the beginnings of my pains when I started hurting my knee and shit. First one, if you watch them 400 pounds. Oh no. Easy. And I'm falling on the floor. I'm running upstairs and

didn't like the second and third one. You know, we were talking about something I had there. I don't like doing a lot of shit. Once I do it a few times, I move on, you know, and I always thought I wanted to move on from this. When they called this time, I had a date in Chicago, but I had another movie that it called. And then the pushing that back to March or something. So I got stuck with this. You know, I didn't want to do it. And they were fucked. They've been great the whole time. One day that the air conditioning broke on the trail of the second day. But besides that, this is what I do. And I enjoy breaking my year up. I enjoy, I'm very fortunate that I don't have to go on the road every week and carry my fucking luggage and be in Philly right now. You know,

be in some place that's going to get snow and be caught there on Sunday. I've worked for that. You know, and I like that I get lucky from time to time and somebody calls me and for a week, I just avoid doing stand-up. I don't even think about it. You don't miss it? No, I went on stage Saturday night. Oh, okay. But I didn't have to. Sure, I miss it. But it's great to know I don't have to do it. That for a week, I could just go home and go to sleep and just do this movie. Do you think maybe your stand-up would get better from like taking a little bit of time off? Everything needs a week off. Yeah. Everything always could use a week off from time to time. I'm not saying all the fucking time, but everything, you know, it was, I got on stage Friday night in

Vegas. Sadly, I went to the fights. I started the movie Monday, so I didn't get on stage all week till Saturday. And my set was a disaster Saturday night at the Long Beach. It just wasn't, you know, I just wasn't, I caught on a little bit and I threw some heat at them, but I had lost them and that was it. But I enjoyed doing it. This week, I'm at the store tomorrow night, probably. I'm at the store Thursday night, Wednesday, we're at the Laugh Factory, Saturday, I'm at the store. So, no, I, you know, I like doing everything. I like that. We were talking about doing the podcast five days a week. Yeah. It's the Lord diminishing returns for me. I don't think it'd be good. Because I think after six weeks, I would start to diminish. First of all, by Thursday,

the podcast would go off a little bit. Friday, we'd just be fucking calling through the shots. And I think after six weeks of doing it five days a week, I think even Monday's would start being pitiful. That's why I have never attempted and I wouldn't want to. If somebody came us and threw a bunch of money and said, do it five days a week, I'd have to get some other help or another rider. I know that I could only fulfill two days of that. I don't want to talk anymore than that. I really don't want to go two and a half hours, three fucking hours and that. So, it's the Lord diminishing returns and everything, especially for me. I know that. We could do two regular ones and a sport one and call it something else.

I'd rather just do it the way we're doing it. I have a good time. I ended up missing it, like Saturday. Sure. Sure. That's why I called you for yesterday. I was a little high last night. You were very high last night. Oh my God. And I couldn't even tell you hit it well. It was just one. All right. So, Saturday, I worked Saturday. I was supposed to go to Felipe's wedding for you people asking. I never made the fucking wedding. I heard the wedding was spectacular. You left over vegan food. No, no, no, no, no, no. You know, we got that rain Friday, so it pushed us back. So, we only got to shoot two scenes, but we needed the scene because we had this one more long until Saturday morning. So, we had to shoot that. I didn't get

out of work till maybe 740 on Saturday night. I didn't get home till 8.15. By that time, the baby was in the bathtub. My wife already had her pajamas on. I felt bad for my wife. I felt bad for two people in this. I felt really bad for my wife because she really wanted to go as a couple and I felt bad for Felipe. I'm kind of embarrassed. I called Felipe Friday and I told him that we got to work. I got him his French press coffee machine that he wanted, but I felt really bad, but I wish him the best, him and Lisa. Yeah. The best, you know, their fucking family. Felipe's done a lot for me in the last 15 years. Yeah. So, what happened with Andy Dolores? All right. So, I did that, right? Now, we got the Andy Dolores package about a week ago

and everything has been yummy for you, Tommy. Everything. Those fucking cocoa chips were some of the strongest shit I eat. Well, the 30- I was high from Sunday night to Wednesday morning last week. I wish I was lying to you. Oh, you didn't have it just once. You had it a few days ago. No, I just kept eating them. There were little circles of debt. They were hard, cocoa, vegan, gluten-free. Just fucked you up. They were 30 milligrams, but they just fucked you up, people. Lee ate three of them the first night. Yeah. And he left here. His eyeballs were spinning in his fucking head. They were tremendous. I ate them on Sunday and I must have ate Sunday night. I can't lie to you people. I must have ate 10 of those fucking

things. In what time period? Three hours, four hours. I just was popping them. I thought there were 10 milligrams of peace, Lee. I thought there were 10 milligrams of fucking peace. And next thing you know, I look at the bag the next morning and I felt bad. I go, Lee ate fucking three of these. Oh, he must have been on fucking fire. Yes, I was. So, all right. So, I ate them until Wednesday. On Wednesday, I said, let me give them a breather. I think Tuesday, I popped a cheap at you and like four of those fucking things. I was blasting on that film site, blasted, giggling to myself, talking to the dog on the set. I tell you what, I didn't fuck up the crap service though. No. Every day, when we table my only cheaters, one piece of Twizzler's licorice.

That's it? That's not even that bad. No ice cream, no pudding, no nothing. I eat the chicken. Okay. Today, I had the pasta with no meat and the salad. That's nice. You got to try. If not, you're a fucking animal. It's not the best crap service anyway. Right. I've seen some crap services. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, you had lobster and Spider-Man too. Spider-Man too. If it was between Spider-Man two and the longest you're out, it'd be close. Yeah. Spider-Man two had three conference tables of snacks. Do you understand me? Like three conference tables, like one table of just cold cuts, you know, every type of bread, peanut butter and jelly, mayonnaise, mustard, and there was a chick just stocking cold cuts, roast beef, Swiss cheese, ham, salami, all different types of

salami. There was one table with smoothies and there was one table with chips, chocolate, you know, you name it. Yeah. This shit was crazy. They had a bucket with gallons of juice and I would steal the pomegranate juice and put it in my bag and go to my trailer and come back and drink all the pomegranate juice in the table and mingle. Hi, how are you? Because in 15 years ago, you know, 10 years ago, pomegranate juice was before coconut water. Fuck yeah, pomegranate juice was huge. It's huge. And I used to fucking drink it, but I was paying like three bucks for a container for like 10 ounces. Also, I get the Spider-Man two and they got the gallon out. They got that half gallon. I don't think I've even seen the gallon. I was half gallon. I'm sorry. I was clipping those

things. I could see the lady was like sweating. Who the fuck is taking my pomegranate juice? Fuck it. I found out something new you don't like. Why don't you like lamb? Lamb is delicious. Oh, Jesus Christ. My mom made lamb and he was like, oh, you can have a lamb cocktail. Oh, Jesus Christ. That's delicious. Lamb, goat, all that shit. There's only one thing I've ever eaten that I enjoyed, but I felt so guilty. I've never ate it again. Veal. Veal Scalapini. I love veal too. My main man, the devil, Mike Kessler, and Boulder, that motherfucker used to whip up some veal Scalapini paper dead. What's Scalapini? I know. I have no fucking idea. I don't even ask. It's veal. I never want to eat it again. Somebody asked me why I ate. I didn't know what it was. I won't eat it again.

I'm sorry people. I like veal. I like lamb too. Lamb is always gamey. There's only one nationality that throws down the lamb, the Greeks. Okay. You see like gyros? No. Well, gyros too. When I was on the run. What? When I was on the run in 82, when I did that jewelry store. Oh, you went to Florida? I went to Florida. The family was Greek. The mother was really fucking Greek and she'd take lamb and cut it into little cubes. Okay. And she'd put in a tub and marinate it for three fucking days. Then she'd take that lamb and put on a barbecue grill and burn them like a Bob Burnham. At least I had your little asshole would pucker up and make noises. It already is. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I would make noises and she'd make this Satsiki sauce or something.

Yeah. And you'd let the dip the lamb in there. It tasted like pot roast. It was just delicious, juicy. The reason why it wasn't gamey is because she marinated it for three days. Okay. Do you follow me? The marination process was so delicious and so, you know, young, but it's three days to take that game in this away. Once I taste the game, it slides off. I can't do it. I get sick just fucking thinking about it. You're not like a buffalo. No, you'll never see me in ostrich, deer, venison, nothing. I've heard venison's good. I heard it too. That's great. He did fart. You fucking stinky venison fart somewhere to fuck else. I don't want to smell that shit in any snake or form. I've had cat with brains. Yeah.

You know, Cecil and deep fried chicken, like a chicken cutlet. Yeah. When I was a kid, my mother would cut brain thin and then dip it in egg batter and breadcrumbs and deep fry. Do you all see it? I wouldn't see it. The weirdest thing I've ever had is a chicken hearts. What'd you have It was like a grilled plate in Israel. I mean, I only had one because my friend tastes like nothing too, nothing too intense. I don't remember. No, it wasn't disgusting. No, it wasn't disgusting, but I don't do oysters because they like they wriggle. I don't like it. I don't know. It feels like a bugger. I'll do clams. We had some clams that uh, what's the name of the joint you used to work at? Legal seafood. Legal seafood.

Somebody was asking somebody else and I'm going to Boston. Where's the best child? And somebody says, I gotta tell you, it's touristy, but I gotta go down with legal seafood. Fuck yeah. And I thought so also. I like clams. I don't like oysters. On the half shell? Yeah. Clams on the half shell with a little Tabasco, a little horseradish and a mug of fucking Heineken on top with a frozen glass. Who's going to stop you? That's a big dick right there. You just fucking show up with a big dick and start sucking those fucking clams. It's tremendous. You're just inhaling with some crackers and shit and some beer. Nothing better. That's your favorite? Yeah, like clams on the half shell with a little fried calamar,

couple shrimp cocktails, like a motherfucker. I love shrimp cocktails. Maybe a stuffed clam, like a clam to a Regonado. Okay. When I was a kid, there was a place in North Bergen on Tully Avenue. I used to have, I've never had them good again. I can't lie to you. People try to make like stuffed clams. They buy them from a supermarket and they put them in the oven and they burn them and they come with like that fucking shell from some polluted fucking ocean. They get like different sizes of the shells and they stuff that shit in there and they cook them. That's disgusting with breadcrumbs. I'm over that shit. But there's some restaurants you go to that they would get the clam and they bread and put a little bacon on top, a little piece of garlic

and they bake in the oven and you eat it just like that. It's fucking deliciously. I love all that stuff. You know, I love all that stuff. A lot of people get pissed at me lately. You haven't lost no weight. Lee's losing weight. You know what? I'm trying to fucking lose weight. Yeah. Next Monday, I'm going to a dietitian. That's cool. Through my insurance. Yeah, nutritional. That's cool. I'm going to go see what the problem is here. You know what, man? I and I've been sticking to that fucking health plan. My fitness. My fitness plan is great. I'm up to 103 consecutive fucking days. I just messed mine up. I just, I didn't do it for a day. But it's a, I forgot. I don't know. I think it was like the day. They send you an email. I know.

They send me something. The other day happened to me when I was shooting this movie. Yeah. I ate breakfast and left. The issue is like my mom was making stuff. So I didn't know what to put in. But when I went to Vegas that last weekend, that's, that's really hard. Even when you try, you try to eat healthy on the road. It's not as easy when you're at home. Listen, you wake up for breakfast. Okay. For breakfast, I went down and I had the, the two eggs with wheat toast, bacon and fruit. Yeah. Okay. I had three slices of thin bacon, which I put in 500 calories, which you put in the thing. I didn't eat the potatoes, no potatoes. I ate one piece of wheat toast instead of two. And I had both eggs. Okay. Just the egg yolks, you know what I mean?

Whatever it is, 60 an egg. That doesn't kill you. You drink it with water and you go up to your room. No juice because the juice gives you extra fucking calories, correct? Yeah. I'll imagine. For lunch, I don't know what I had, but you could always go down and get some type of salad. Yeah. Whatever you throw into my fitness ain't going to give you the right amount because those salads taste good because they put butter in those fucking things or something. Yeah. You know, when you make a salad at home, it tastes like ass. When you go out and have a salad, it tastes fucking something from another planet. Oh, that's the salad we had was great. It's delicious. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was delicious. I had the chicken. If you see, I was trying. Yeah. I wouldn't

have the steak at night. You know, it's not like I'm not trying here. I had the roasted chicken, which is a lot harder being a little bit older, like being 50. I was thinking about that. People always goof on you. When you were a kid, they go, oh, wait till you get older and you giggle. I'll never be fat. Let me talk and tell you, it just slows down. Yeah. And you go on the treadmill and you, I'm really enjoying the bicycle. I went on the bicycle Saturday and I did the 45 minute package and I burned like 400 calories. That's good. And my knees felt great. And Sunday I went down to Higgins and I rolled around with Dave for a while and we did a couple things, but I've never, ever believed in paying the personal trainer. It's a lot of money. I didn't

really like it. I didn't, you know, I learned how to lift as a kid and it works for me. I go online and I read and I look at YouTube videos and I make a survey of what you want to do with the kettlebells. I went over to that school because I didn't want to get hurt. You always want to learn the proper form from somebody who knows. If not, I would have gotten online like most people, but I knew whether you get hurt is no coming back at this age. Why fuck around at 50? I hurt my back. I'm done. You know, so I said, no, let me go to Dave. So Dave was like a class atmosphere. When I started jujitsu, there was weeks that I would miss stuff and I would pay John Evan to teach me a little bit and I would work on them on a one-on-one basis. I wouldn't roll with him

because he always had a hurt back and he weighs 170 pounds. So I wouldn't roll with him. So I didn't like the whole thing. If I pay you, I want to roll with you and sweat on you and whatever. But then a couple of people reached out and wanted to help me out with this and it's been great. I don't mind helping people out, but I gave Dave money at Higgins to help me out. He called me and said he was going to do a special for the holidays and I said, you know what? I'm helping him out and I'll do him. I gotta tell you something. It's the best investment I've made in myself in a long time because we do completely different shit. He doesn't use weights and nothing that doesn't make me run or jump. It's a lot of like hip exercises and stretching my shoulders out and

fucking rolling around the floor and doing breathing exercises and kicking and then taking a ball. Yesterday he made me get up and sit down 10 times, get up and all the way to the bottom and get up without touching your hands to the floor. And then you take a 12-pound ball and get up and sit down 10 times. You have no fucking idea. I loved it. I love all that type of shit. You know, he stretched out my knee, he stretched out my shoulders. We work on that aspect of it. So now I want to have some times close to two hours and it was a great Christmas gift to myself. And I did that Sunday. I ate a salad at home, which I fucking hate. I threw lettuce tomato. A lot of onions and a little can of tuna fish with some olive oil mixed it in there. You know,

I'm trying. It's not like I'm out eating ice cream crying. Oh, I did this all fucking. We know you didn't. And on that movie, like I said, I've taken one Twizzler a day and I eat it. It takes me like five minutes to eat. I buy it a little bit, put it in my pocket. The other day I found a little Twizzler in my pocket like a nine o'clock. That's a good treat. That's a good little fucking treat. I think one fucking Twizzler. Can't be much. Don't really care. I had sugar free Reese's the other day and they were pretty good, but I haven't had Reese's in a while. So maybe it's not good, but to me, sugar free Reese's peanut butter. Yeah. You know, Lee, you think that you need shit in this life. Yeah. When I went to Weight Watchers, I realized I didn't need shit no

more. When you switch from regular soda, you know, from regular soda to diet soda, when you instead of eating a bag of chips, you just eat the sandwich and you go, wow. And then sometimes you get a six inch and you eat your six inch and run out of there. And as you're driving home, you go, wow. I didn't really need a foot long in those days. I did okay with the six inch. This is what you learn. You know, you just learn different things about yourself and what you need and what you don't need. Before I got locked up, guys, you know, I got locked up when I was 24. Excuse me, I can't lie to you. I couldn't fucking do anything without smoking pot. It's not like right when you wake up, Lee, in those days, I'd been trained from the age of 16.

I didn't do anything. The people I hung out with for all those years didn't do anything without smoking a number. Like I'd smoke a number on the way to the bus to go to high school. Then once I got to high school, I'd see a certain group of people. We smoke one, let's go. And we'd smoke another one. Then we'd go back to school for a couple classes, get out of school, eat a slice of pizza and bang out another six joints, go home, do homework, meet again at nine and smoke more dope. Do you understand the culture I came from? Yeah. And these weren't people that had long hair and mustaches and wool weed. These were guys that were just jocks and fucking some guys who were pretty good students and just in general, you

didn't have to, we didn't act that way. We just smoked fucking pot. So when I got out of North Bergen and I moved to Colorado and I'm surrounded by pot, I had the same thing. I'd get up in the morning and as soon as I got out of the show, I didn't smoke cigarettes then. No, it was just straight up reefer. I'd get out of the shower and I'd smoke my first bonnet. You know, people always say, oh, I saw you on the Doug Benson show. You fucking could smoke. It was because those years in Colorado, I was a young guy and I was getting already my lungs were acclimated. And when I first got up there, first thing I didn't ask them was to smoke a bonnet and I fainted at some people's house over the Paragon restaurant. There was a restaurant called the Paragon. At that time,

it belonged to Jimmy Buffett. I didn't know. I didn't go in there. I was 19 maybe. It was 1980 fucking three. I was maybe 20. Yeah, I was 20, 20. So I didn't go to Barristan. I just went up there and there was an apartment over it. They knew the waitress who lived there. We were up there smoking a bonnet and I passed out. But after that, I got baffled by the fucking bonnet. I had never smoked a bonnet in New Jersey. Really? No, I had smoked joints or a pipe. None of these fucking savages had a bonnet. I never discovered a bonnet. I moved to Colorado in 83. So I went right out the next day and bought a bonnet and started doing fucking bonnets. Bonnets after bonnet. And I loved it. So I gotta act. I already was into it. I'd get up in the morning. I'd do three

or four bonnets, get on the bus, go to work at lunchtime, smoke a joint. I'd bring a joint with me in a tube like I do here. And then at five o'clock before the bus, I'd smoke the other half, get off the bus, go shopping, get some salad or steak. In those days, I'd pay for the salad, but I shopped at the state. I had a pillowcase. I used this as a duffel bag. Yeah. And I would just put the steak in there and they'd call me at this fucking grocery store and I'd go home. When I was cooking the steak, I'd take a shower and smoke another joint. And then we'd eat dinner and we'd smoke another fucking joint. And then before we went to bed, we smoked another joint. That was the culture I was raised in. So when all of a sudden I had to

go to prison, I was like, oh my fucking god, what am I going to tell the prison guards? I'm going to go nuts. And I remember like not smoking like all day and losing it. Like by six o'clock, I'd want to fucking kill the people out of my roommates, get the fuck away from me. You motherfuckers. I thought I wouldn't make it in jail. And it was hard for maybe a day and a half. And after that, like I missed it and I counted the days and shit. But you know what? I made it through. And that little situation right there, let me know you could live without anything. Yeah. You know, way before. No, it's weird. It's it's a I learned it too. Like today, where I went to the movies and I brought a can of soda because I always went up every time I go

to the movies and I get the big drinks, I never lose weight that day. Because you always get at least one and then have a refill. Even if it's diet. Yeah, really. I think it's like the sodium. Yeah, the sodium. I really need to cut that out. I'm really enjoying water and green tea. I can't do tea. I'm really enjoying the green tea. Dope it up Lee. My wife makes ice tea and I take the fucking tea. I don't even put sugar in it. I just put so much lemon and I put ice cubes in it. I shake it up, shake it up, shake it up, shake it. Okay. And it comes out like this fucking ice something with lemony. And I just drink it. That's it. And it's not bad. But you won't know unless you try and then you just start drinking it. And next thing you know, but doesn't that have just the

same amount of like the bad thing aspartame or whatever? What? That you're not putting sugar in there. Regular iced tea doesn't have it? Okay. No, just regular iced tea out of package. Unsweetened. Unsweetened and you put some lemon on it and put ice cubes. You dope it up and you confuse yourself. And you shake it up with all that lemon and you fucking drink something. It's not that badly. And you move on. That's soda. Hey, listen, you know, when we first started the show, we would put down two sodas each every morning. Yeah. I don't do that at all no more. I'm very proud that that and it wasn't that I did it. I didn't figure it out. It was the people that watched the show. Yeah. Did I get home and they'd send me emails, Joe, you're drinking two cans of

soda at six in the fucking morning. And it's true. I got off the soda. I lost 12 pounds right away. That's awesome. Yeah. So that, you know, please just do the war and let's stop. Hey, listen, when I was 26 or somebody told me to get off water or to go on water, tell them to suck my dick. I was having a good old time with fucking iced teas. I used to go to jack in the box before I went to prison. Yeah. And I get the seafood and crab salad or bullshit with the package sweetened that they give you. It was a thousand calories. Any salad you get out of the house that tastes that good. You're eating something that's a fugazi because I got it's the only salad I got fat offer. Really? I got fat as fuck. And I get the iced tea and in those days,

fat fuck for me was 210. I'm 100 pounds more than that now. Yeah. And those days 210 was like I'm a fat fuck. Oh my God. I was walking around at 185-119-195. I go up to 219. Oh my God. What am I thinking? What am I doing to my waistline? And I was eating no salads. But I would buy iced tea with extra lemon and put 20,000 of those sugar packages. Oh, really? And that kills you. Yeah. That fucking kills you. That's a lot of weed you're smoking because I'm really high right now. She's like that's a lot of weed. I'm telling you. What do you like about weed? Like what what what draw you to it? To it. When I was a kid, I did not like it. And then I think the first time I smoked was probably in the sixth grade. And I'm feeling guilty as fuck. But the kids that

smoked in that time were fun kids. Like you had a good time when you got high. You really genuinely had a great fucking time. Like you giggled and listened to music and you cracked on each other. And there'd be 16 people. Can you imagine 16 of us high in one room cracking jokes? Yeah, that'd be fun. And giggling. And we were 12. Did you get high the first time? I didn't. You know, I don't remember how long it took. But after a while we would buy it. We would get a nickel back from Nelson the pervert. Listen to him fuck. And we'd get like a glass pipe and we'd smoke the you put the joint in the glass and you light it. Yeah. And then we had a carburetor. And we'd say gets and we'd go back. We do this in between classes. So from 12 to one that lunch

time. Yeah, we'd smoke that go to shop right get lunch and then go back to school at one and we'd be fucking stoned all afternoon. That was a blast. But I only did that with the North Bergen kid. I didn't do that with my karate buddies. My karate buddies didn't get high. So I had to keep it a secret. Okay, so I would get high once a month. But to answer your question, when I was 17, I had a buddy Mike that worked at the sporting goods. And he used to get the best weed that anybody else would get. I got to be on those days we were getting like just like green weed or whatever he would get chocolate tie weed. And in those days, if you paid 20 for a big bag, you paid him 35 for maybe an eighth or half eighth. And you took it home and you cut it with a scissors and

you rolled it in a joint. And oh my godly you smoked three pops of this and it was just sensational. You were stoned. You put on Judas Priest hell bent for leather. Oh no. And you'd fucking sit there and just look at each other. And after that you walked to a diner and got a cheese burger deluxe with french fries and mozzarella cheese on your fries and you drank sodas. That sounds amazing. And you'd walk home and you'd still be fucking high. You couldn't go in the house because your mom was still awake. So you'd sit outside and you'd giggle for another hour. That was getting stoned. Or getting high and going home and listening to that album you just bought with the enthusiasm lead like a new toy. Like getting a new girlfriend eating a pussy for the second time because the

first time you slipped you didn't stick a finger up your asshole. What the fuck you're into. It's like that first time. That's right. Plus I tell you the most that attracted me, the most obvious choice that attracted me for reefer, it made me go to sleep with no drama. I've always had some form of fucking insomnia. And this is legitimately, this is not for a license, this is not to lie to the people at home. I'm talking to my little brother Lisa Ayat on the podcast. The truth of the matter is when I was 17 I figured out that whenever I smoked pot and I ate I'd go to sleep. No questions asked. Go to sleep hard. Like wake up six hours later with the pillow turned and your t-shirt over your head and you ask yourself how and then you take your t-shirt off

you move the blank and go to sleep for another three hours. That's what marijuana did to me naturally. So when I thought I was losing marijuana like if I didn't have weed I'd step till five in the morning in those days. Just stay the fuck up and that's what attracted me to it to be honest with you. Booze made me go to sleep but a different sleep. It made me eat fucked up. It made me burp all night. I had to get up and pee. I woke up with a fucking headache. All this to fall asleep. So all I had to do was take three hits off a joint eat a cheeseburger deluxe and I sleep eight hours like a fucking soldier. That's what really attracted me. Edibles put me to fucking sleep. Fuck yeah. I'm not gonna lie to anybody at home. I love edibles because it hits me like a

fucking left hook. I go home. I get some coffee. I take two hits off a joint. Oh baby. That's crazy. So is it your favorite? Is weed your favorite drug? My all-time favorite. Really? That's why it's coming for us. That's why I still do it today. That's why I still enjoy it. It's like the only one you really do. Everyone's a lot to do in Washington. Oh my god. Yes, I went to work out with Dave. I got back at the workout. Was it 10? I probably got back at 10 to 12. I had to go to Hollywood for a fucking audition which you might have to put on tape for me tomorrow. Okay. I didn't know where the place was. I went to the normal place. I parked on La Brea. I had to walk two blocks like off La Brea. You know how Hollywood is? There's no fucking parking. I went to that side of town.

I get there and I'm like, is this the place? Like no. I'm like Jesus Christ. I called the place. Nobody answered. So I had to get in my car. I come home. I get home. I smoke two pipe lugs and I'm sitting outside there and I'm like, oh my god, I gotta take a nap. And I slept for two and then before that I ate the 250 milligram. It was a 500 milligram anti Dolores brownie and I ate the top of it off and I threw the bottom of it away just because it has the vanilla whatever on top. Okay. And then when I got up, it was nothing. I wasn't high. Oh, maybe I fell asleep because of the Joe bounty was I fucking wrong. Holy skadoodle. I fucking was high as fuck at 730. My wife kept asking me, what is your problem? You're sitting there staring into the obis. Whatever the fuck,

abyss. I'm sorry. I said, obis. I called Lee. I'm like, we're going to do a podcast call me back on an hour. Lee called back. What do we got to do? I don't know. He called me back on an hour. I was fucking out of it. I basically passed out when I got up at three in the morning to pee last night. I was like, oh my god, I passed the fuck out tonight. Hell yeah. That's why I like marijuana. That's the real, real true. There's two reasons. The first reason is the sleep issue. Yeah. And the second reason honest to God is how good music sounds. Where's fucking Tony Bennett? What's going on? Wait. Monday, December 15, you had eight days to make it happen. Mother fuckers. Because then you want to be set by the 29th, 24th. You want all your shit.

I want to be around to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart. Sun somebody twice as smart as I get Tony Bennett on the podcast. How are you going to get a little fucking fun? I don't know. Tweet at him. He probably has an intern tweeting. What am I going to tell him? I'll be around. This is my favorite fucking jam. Come on, do the podcast with me and the flying Jew. Hell yeah. Don't you remember me? I opened for you in 1995. Did you really? Yeah. You don't tell that story? By mistake. I went to Joey's with Ed Belaska booked it in Dearborn, Michigan. A club named Joey's? Yeah, it's named Joey's and every year he does the Fox Theater or whatever the theater is there.

I don't mean to, I think it's the theater there in Dearborn and he would go over to Joey's to eat after with the spaghetti and meatballs and he would sing a few songs and I got the town called him. I was there at night early. I was going to sleep in the parking lot and he told me that go to the hotel register, tell him you're in the comic. I'll pay you 50 bucks. Do you have a suit? And I said, yeah, and I went and bombed, but I got 50 bucks on a free night in the hotel. That wasn't going to happen usually. Did you stay for the concert? I stayed for the three songs. I went over and thanked them. I didn't talk about this. Did he say I want to be around? No, he's saying, you know, I left my line in San Francisco some other fucking jam. That's crazy. You know,

I've been trying to write the book. Yeah. And I've been trying to write this chapter and it's really, I had no value on this part of my life. I never really put a value on it. And it started in 97. I had no value on this part of my life. I never really spoke about it. And the other day I was doing comedy and I was talking to somebody on the road the last time on the road and I was saying, look, he was asking me about doing comedy. He was a feature act. And I told him that I became a feature act, how much I worked. That when I came here, I was a decent feature act. I'm not going to lie to anybody. A feature act is the second comic you see at a comedy club. And he usually does 25 minutes, 30 if he's really good. And I

would do 25. And I was decent on the scale of one to 10. I rated myself as six. And I moved to Los Angeles. And at the time I moved to Los Angeles, I was a four and a half. And I went to the improv one night and I died in between Nick Topolo and somebody else, Doug Stanhope. I followed Doug at the black show and I died. But there was another incident I followed, the David Tell between Nick Topolo and I didn't do bad. But I saw how bad my flaws were. So I called around and I put myself on the road. And in those days, I would take a bus to El Paso. And El Paso was, in those days, when I first moved here, I probably went to Bakersfield. I went to, we always went to up north. Jesus, Lee, I don't even go up there no more.

Why? I used to go up north all the time. Bakersfield, San Bernardino, all that stuff up there. I forget the Visalia, all that up there. I used to stop at the Tremendous Tacos. It's very Mexican orientated all the way up. Fresno, we would do that theater. In those days, you worked a lot of that. But the only outside club I worked was, this is 97, was El Paso. El Paso paid $300. And you had to take a bus down there. And I think after the first time, he made me a feature act. And I hooked up with this guy, Roger Paul, out of New York. And I went on the road. I basically go, fuck it. I'm gonna go on the road. And I took all these

Booker's names and I would take a bus to El Paso. El Paso would start first. I got, but before that, I want to turn it back. I got a job selling screws at a place on Ivar, like in Hollywood screws. Are you screwing to the wall? Screwing to the wall. And this was the spring of 97. And what I did was, I took a job when you had to be there at five in the morning. Because at five, it's eight in the east coast. And that's when you could sell screws to people in offices and people in their own construction companies. That's when the people who buy that stuff, it's wholesale screws. You got to buy 10,000 of them. So if you're an electrical company, you'll buy those, you know, those type of screws.

Phillips had regular screws, one inch by three galvanized, whatever the fuck it was. And I would basically go to store till two, do a little blow and drive to Ivar and park out in front of Ivar and sleep till about 10 to five. And I go in, I drink some coffee, I smoke some pot, and I go in and sell screws and shit. But what I was doing was faxing my avails to different comedy clubs and different bookers. So I was working, I would work, I would sell shit, I would work for them. And then once 9am came, I would fax my avails for the year to Roger Paul, to some guy in Florida, some guy in DC, some guy in Boston. And that's how I started, Lee, and I would just fax them. And I have nobody would fucking call me back. Nobody would even give a

fuck. You know, there's people out of the email and they have fallouts. There's a lot of comics that listen to this. I'm just telling you that this was a hard time. And I remember I strung something together, like I strung El Paso, I'm like a one nighter in Houston. That's how it started for me. And once I put myself out there, then the call started coming. Hey, I have a Thursday and Friday in Florida and only pays 600. And if the plan ticket would be two, fuck it, I'd go, I'm gonna pick up 400, I'm in the whole top room. And you know what, Sunday I'll figure it out. After the weekend, I'll figure it out. And sure enough, I went to Florida and the guy's like, there's a guy in Gainesville that has a Friday and Saturday. You could stay with me, I'll get you

150 on Thursday at the one nighter. Boom, let's go. And I did that. Then that guy told me about a room and then Roger Paul called with Myrtle Beach. It was short money, but I was somewhere for four days. I could do laundry, I could eat, and that's how it started. I put myself out there. And within six months, I was basically going to and shitty money, Lee. And he didn't come back to LA? No, I would just stay out there. I would take the winter jacket, one pair of sneakers, and I would worry about clothes on the fucking road. And all I needed was a notebook, cigarettes and weed, and I'd pick up the coke as I traveled. So I would take the bus for 35 bucks to El Paso.

Do the four nights, pick up 500 El Paso, take a bus or a flight to 200 to Miami. Go to Miami, do the two weeks there, pick up 1200, snort 800 of it, take 400 and take a flight to Myrtle Beach. Do the week in Myrtle Beach, pick up another 350, go to fucking DC, pick up 200 there whatever the fucking club was, but in Bethesda, Maryland, that paid me like 300 bucks and then one in Tyson's Corner, would pay me like 500 bucks. Then from there, I'd go to the city, I'd stay with my buddies and do something in the middle of New Jersey for no money. Getting barished, just I would stay on my buddy's balcony in those days. And I eat his food and he loved me and I'm still friends with him. His dad just passed away in my

ghastly's. I'm gonna put it out there for him. I send him my love to his father. God bless his soul and he would take care of me. And then from there, I'd go to Boston and go to I would go to not the hooky, I would go to club 56 and hand over mass. And then from there, I would go, they don't do calming at that time. It was big and then I would stay the whole week at the hotel. He'd pick up two of the nights and I'd pay for two of the nights. And then I'd do Worcester the next weekend. And then from there, I'd go to, where's the other kid from? What else is up there? Maine. I'd go to Maine. I'd do that weekend up there. And then from there, I'd go to Buffalo and I'd do the funny bone in Buffalo. This is 15 fucking years ago.

And then from there, I'd go, my friend's dad, Irish, was dating an Italian girl from Buffalo. He called her dad to drive me over the border. This was way before 9-11. And he would sneak me into the cabin and I'd go up to Toronto and do two weeks at the comedy land. Hollywood, yeah, it was comedy land or something like that, like the compliment. And we'd go to Blore Street. And I'd do blow and fuck around. I was tremendous. Go to the Cuban name. We'd go to Chinese food in Toronto. So how long would you be on the road for? Six, seven months. Taking notes the whole time, writing jokes every night, getting fucked up, waking up in the morning, going to a club, broke, getting to a club, brokely and going, hey, before I even start the week, let me get

a hundred to get the party started. I got a kid wave me a weed. The DJ's got weed. I got a bag of blow downstairs. I got to do laundry tomorrow. I got to get the calling card. And it was the education of my life. And where I'm telling you, like, and then I would go to Syracuse. And I'd do Buffalo Syracuse in Rochester. And I picked up a girlfriend in Syracuse that had a fucking landscaping company. And I would do work just around her house, just around that neighborhood, the Ontario theater that just recently closed. I would do Toronto. But on the weeks, instead of getting a hotel, I would go to Syracuse and help her. And she would pay me. And then during the week, this was an education for me. I know you have enough with this book, but this sounds like a

book. This is pretty cool. This was comedy 101. A lot of people, I always feel bad for comics. And I go to them, you know, you should come on the road, me whatever. This was a time when nobody was helping me. I was friends with Joe Rogan, but he was just taking Chris McGuire then. He was just finishing up Fear Factor. And Joe had gotten mad at me over the incident at the Las Vegas Riviera, when the guy said I ran up the phone bill in those days. And I always had a calling card. He just always never really liked me after that. So Joe always had doubts. Joe still, my friend, but he took Chris McGuire out. So I was still going on the road. I didn't go, fuck, who don't take me on the road? You know, me, Doug. And I had also picked up Houston at that

time. I had also picked up, there was a different place in Austin, not even the place. Because now in Austin, you have the place where you want me to have city. But then there's the other place. It's also great. That's downtown. It's a smaller place. In those days, they had a little country place outside like they did barbecue. That night, they did comedy for like 300, so I would go to Texas. So I would go to El Paso, Houston, Dallas, maybe Midland, maybe Odessa, maybe, you know, all these off cities. And then I'd fly out of Houston hitchhike overnight, take a bus overnight all night and take like a cheap flight from me to Dallas to San Antonio to Boston and start that tour all over again. Is that why you get mad when the comedians

like say they're going to weddings or they don't have work? Because that's pretty crazy. I don't think I knew all that. I did nothing. From 97, I stopped doing that in April of 2004, 2000. Three years. 2000. And don't get me wrong. I did not stop touring after that. I just tamed it down. But if you get my wife in here to set that microphone, she will tell you that from 2000 to 2005, I still went on the road 25 weeks. And the cocaine was making me cancel three or four of those weeks. I would get too paranoid to get to the airport and shit, and I wouldn't leave. And I'd call a cab and make believe I was sick. I got kidnapped by aliens, whatever the fuck. But I was still doing 20 weeks on the holiday weeks. I didn't believe in holidays. I still,

I would leave here on the 20th. I would miss Gabriel's party. And I would leave and go to Houston, Texas. He was the first guy to hel-line me. And I would stay there for two weeks. I'd leave on the 20th. I would come back on the 30th, 31st in the afternoon. Then I would do new years at Rogan. So I wouldn't see Terry till the first. I would leave and I would miss her birthday every year purposely. And I'd bring her back some fucking gift from Houston, just so I wouldn't have to. But that's what comedy meant to me. Like, this was always something you had to fight for. When I committed to this, I committed to this. And it was because when I left Boulder in 95, I knew that if I left my daughter, I couldn't come back hit. You know, I had to come back

with something or another. I'm happy I stuck it out. You know, I'm very happy I stuck it out. I'm very fortunate. But this is why I said this podcast isn't about fucking busting out Hollywood stars or whatever. This is about us busting ourselves out. You know, this is what you have to do sometimes. And that's why I committed to it. I didn't know no other life. All I knew was to buy underwear, music. I had a CD player in those days. I would switch CDs. And I'd buy books. And I'd just read books at Barnes & Nobles. And the rest of them, I went to cocaine and the buses. I went all across this country on a fucking Greyhound bus, bro. And I would pick up work every week because then I started just getting with bookers.

Once I got in with John Yoder in the Midwest, he had 61 nighters. So if you emailed him Monday morning at nine and then called him at 9.30, 9.45, he'd give you something. You know, Jody, who we just had Cuban food with a couple of weeks ago, her and I went out for two weeks, ended up staying out for eight. Because I kept picking up weeks in the wintertime. We started a triple run for two weeks in what do you call that? Seattle in Portland, Oregon. And we ended up in St. Louis, Missouri, back to Portland, Oregon, through El Paso, we picked up a fallout into Miami for two weeks. All in the car? All in the car. Except we parked the car in Houston and flew to Miami from Houston. Okay. So that's the kind of work you pick up once you commit to the

work. Once you commit and you're out there, you'll pick up work. And I didn't invent this. I learned this from the great Doug Stanhope. Really? That's what you did? Yeah. Doug Stanhope got his car, packed it up, and got on the road. And that's it. Every city got a comedy club. Pop in there. How you doing? My name is Lee Syat. I like to do a guest set here tonight. Okay. Where you crashing, man, under my car? No, no, no, no, no, no. Go to the comic con, though. The headline is standing at the hotel. You have the bedroom to yourself. Do laundry. And you're like, holy shit. You come back, you do a guest set. You're funny. Some fucking comic goes, Hey, man, what are you doing tomorrow night? You want to stay in town, crashing my basement and doing night for 250?

And there you go. You didn't expect to pick that up. But you nothing would have happened unless you went to that comedy club. Yeah. Nothing would have happened unless you packed your car and believed in yourself. Was it hard for you? Because I don't want to say anti social, but you're not like a hangout kind of guy. It was became like stealing. It taught me so much about life that I knew, but I didn't believe. Do you know what I'm saying? Like I didn't believe that I would go to I would go to Rochester and, you know, where you staying? So I gotta drive back to Syracuse. Listen, man, come back up here Thursday and Friday, open up a pair. We'll give you 200 bucks and we'll book you in May. And you're like, Oh my God, you know, I would go to Detroit. I went

to Detroit one time. I went to Saginaw and I was supposed to be in Saginaw and Traverse City. You know, I'll just give you an example. I was supposed to be in Saginaw and Traverse City and the only paid for the hotel Friday and Saturday. And I would have had to pay for the hotel Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, five fucking nights. I could have found the hotel 50 bucks a night, but I just got paid for 100 bucks. So I'm eating veggie and cheese sandwiches from Subway Sandwich. That's why I love that sandwich because I'll never forget that sandwich. That sandwich saved me on the road. It fed me. If you get extra lettuce and you know the people put extra tomatoes on it, it's not a bad sandwich. I'm even being in Saginaw, Michigan.

And a dude comes up to me. He's like, Hey man, that was funny. Shit. You know, my brother-in-law lives up in New York City and you remind me of that when we started talking. Next thing you know, he's like, You want to smoke reefer? You want outside? We smoke reefer. He's like, You want me to give you a ride to the hotel? We went to the hotel. We sat in front of my hotel, talked shit. The guy was cool as fuck. He was married. He had kids. I went home. I didn't think nothing of it. The next night I went to the club. He was dead. He goes, Hey man, tomorrow morning, you don't want to go back. I want to show you some hospitality. My wife's making, you know, some steaks and you could eat. I ate them while we were eating. They're like, Listen,

if you just got to go to Saginaw, you're going to stay here. Stay downstairs. Say the 200 bucks. You know, he gets lonely. So every night he come home from work, come downstairs at the daytime. I listen to music and write jokes. He come home at six. He played with his kid and he come down and we just watch movies and shit. And he was like, You know, I don't have any brothers out here. He was from my Tennessee or something that was living. So you meet people. And for some reason, you just put a certain trust in them. When I would go to Boston, I'd stay with this big fat security door guy that was married to a Puerto Rican chick. He was a big Irish white dude and he was married to a Puerto Rican chicken. Had kids with us. So he knew I love rice and beans.

So he'd say during the week, stay at the hotel. But during the week, stay in my basement. And my wife will make rice and beans for you. They live in San Antonio now. You meet different people. And then when you go to that town, they look forward to seeing you and they look forward to feeding you and cooking for you. It's really, it's a positive. It's the fucking and don't get me wrong. I know many nights that I spent at the Utica, New York train bus station or the Rock Chestnut. You don't know what life is to you're in Buffalo waiting for a transfer at four in the morning. And it's February and you got an hour and a half to kill and the bus station is closed from five to six. And you got to walk around Buffalo and get a newspaper and you got $3

until you get to the next city. You have no idea what life is. It taught me a lot. It taught me fucking a lot. But it also made me that good of a comic. It made me that good of a fucking comic. You think that's what did it? Oh please, you get this belief. You get this fucking belief that you could do it. I made them laugh in Buffalo. I made them laugh in Rochester. I'm not good in the Bible Belt. I'm not good in the fucking Bible Belt from Iowa to West Virginia. Yeah. You don't have to do those areas. What's that? You did Tennessee but you don't really do Oklahoma. Because they booed me already. Why would you want to go somewhere where you're going to get bitch slapped? You're going to go somewhere where you're going to go somewhere where

they pretty much, I mean, you know where you click and you know where you don't click after a while. Yeah. I used to do those. I told you when I went to the trailer that they gave me meth that I wasn't watching Virginia. You know, what do you think these stories happen? Because every time I go there and I get comfortable, I'd ask somebody for powder, some type of powder. They was going, I don't know who's got the fucking yay. You know, and some night, and I always got good powder. I never got robbed. And that night I didn't get robbed. I just did meth. Someone's got to buy speed every once in a while. Who gets a fuck, though? Nobody did fucking speed in your house. Oh my God. Let's give some shout outs and we'll continue this conversation.

My main man, Sean Quirk, John Tate, Corey Gaetan, my man, Renee and Carl Sione coming out to visit, Mae Keniston, Stoner's Guide, and Death Squad everywhere. I love you motherfuckers. I haven't forgotten about you bad motherfucking death squads. I'll see you all across the country. Don't forget this podcast goes live Wednesday night, the 17th St. Lazarus birthday, myself, Lisa Yat, and the rock superstar, Dean Delray at the Laugh Factory in Long Beach. Tickets are available at New Year's Eve. I'm at the fucking ice house with Lisa Yat doing some type of fucking podcast. What are we going to ask my brother? I don't know. No, it was an interesting fucking journey. What? Were you less dirty when you were being on Future Act? Depending on where I was

gone, but I was always trying to be, if I went back a second time, they liked me. They liked me. Like Toronto was a club that paid 600 to headline, so they couldn't get Bill Burr at the time. They couldn't get the big name. So they used Strong Feature X, who had 40, 45 minutes. I would do a okay job then as a headliner. Not really. Not really. I did an okay job. I'm not gonna lie to but at least it taught me how to stretch. You know, you went to Toronto. You had to stay. You did two weeks. You did one week in the city, but the other week you did this town like an hour away from Toronto. And you had to sleep at the mother's house downstairs in the basement in a private bedroom with the brother right next door to you. And the brother drove

hookers. At night, he was a fat dude that looked like Berkowitz, the guy who shot the 44 caliber and at night, he was sleeping in his room and you'd hear him and he'd come to you and I got a black girl available for a half hour. You want to fuck? No, get the fuck out of here. I mean, I ran into shit like that. I bumped into the girl who had the AIDS. What the fuck she had? Wait, no, you're not right. She had gonorrhea. Oh, the girl in the bus. And the bus that she was escaping from Rochester, the Syracuse. Okay. I thought you really ran into girl with AIDS. No. And if I did, maybe I would. I don't fucking know. You know, you do whatever you do on the road. You know, when you get into music or comedy or anything, you think you're Willie Nelson. At

least I did that. The Wanted Debt or Alive video by Bon Jovi. That thing by Bob Sega. All those videos of life on the road and those songs about life on the road, you know, at first that cliche, when you start watching them, you know, and you're out there, when you first get onto comedy, I remember being at the Denver Comedy Works and being an open mic. And just sitting in the back of the green room and they would be talking about Wes, you know, Jeff Todd Jordan this week. And they would say, he's on the road. You know, if he was working for Tribble, they said he was tripling. And I remember being an open mic and being so impressed when people said that. Like, oh my God, you know, Todd Jordan's on the road or

gather fucking guys on the road or whatever, you know. And all of a sudden I started going on the road. And you're not making any money, Lee. You're going on the road for peanuts. But you're not doing this because of the money. You're doing this because you're knowing the back of your heart. You're learning. And you're going to be that much better over comedy someday. You know, you're going to be that much better because of these things. I think of One Night in Buffalo where I had to go at this bar where the Buffalo Sabre game was on. And I had to go up in between the halftime. And they just stared at me, Lee. They just stared at me. Towards the end, I got like two good laughs and the headliner went up and he killed them. And that always stuck with me,

that I got to get good enough to headline this room. And a year later, I went up there and there was a playoff game and I volunteered to go up there and kill them. I did those things like that. They measured where you were getting to in your life as a comedy. But the life lessons, the people I met, I met some great fucking people, Lee. I met some great people. I remember being in Baltimore One Night and doing this benefit of some shit and talking to this couple for an hour and them going, listen, man, them leaving and them coming back and going, listen, man, we don't know how to ask you this without signing creepy. I'm like, oh no, he wants me to go fuck up in front of him while he wags off on my back or something disgusting because he was kind of,

she was superb looking. And I'm never forgetting this. And he was like mediocre, but he was a sweetheart of the man. So I could tell that he was either really rich or really had a big dick or something. And they came back and they said, listen, we know you're at this hotel, right? You said you're three miles from here. We live in a house. We have a warm bed and nobody will break into your door tonight. And we'll drive you to the bus station. And you can take the bus from Baltimore to New York. They have a nine o'clock in the morning. We do it all the time. And I looked at them and I'm like, ah, okay. And I went back to the hotel. No, I never checked into the hotel. The bus I got into Baltimore was late. That's why I had my luggage. And I had to

take a cab. And they said, no, we'll just drive you. And we went back to their place. They introduced me to their door. They couldn't have kids or something. She was sick. And we smoked some time. We went to bed next morning when I got up and I smelled bacon. I had bacon. I had some eggs. They were very nice. They drove me. I think I kept in touch with my lost, that number. But who, who does that happen to? I wasn't a star. I wasn't doing movies then. I was living on, with Josh Wolf on his couch, paying him a hundred bucks a month to live on his fucking couch. They could have done anything they wanted to me. Not only, I got a thousand of those. That's a cool documentary. A thousand of those fucking stories. Being in Iowa and meeting

people. I just want to, being in time. And one time I was in Arlington. I was, there used to be, what's the club in Texas? There's the Dallas improv and hyenas. Well hyenas used to have two or three clubs. And they hired me to do Wednesday through Sunday. And that Wednesday was Black Night. And I went up on Black Night thinking I was going to die. And I killed. And on the way out, this black family took me to the house and cooked for me. They didn't have, they weren't millionaires. This house looked like a fucking bomb ate it. I hate, a bomb hit it. They lived in the projects, you know, and the black people outside out there, all ganged up. In fact, there was a guy out there making pork chop sandwiches, Lee.

Just on the side of the road? Glee, delicious. I bet. Fried pork chops on the side of the fucking street. And you took your own white bread. So it was like a thing of white bread, you know, a thousand black hands that'd been in there. We'd crack on their fingernails. The guy did not give a fuck. If you bought a pork chop, you would stick your fucking greasy hands in there and get two pieces of white bread out. He would put the pork chop on the white bread and you would bite out, bite into it and figure out where the bone was later. Once you heard your tooth crack, booyah, you hit the fucking bone. He didn't take it out. He didn't, and he gave you like a sauce, a thing of hot sauce. Again, you could see mud on the

fingers and AIDS and shit and crack and fucking pussy juice. And you had to put hot sauce on your fucking pork chop. And that's how you ate it. And he barely gave you like a napkin. The napkin he gave you had his fingerprints on it that were fucking disgusting. But it was delicious. And I went to these black people's houses and they got these stone on the worst weed ever. Like four of us must have smoked 15 fucking joints and we barely got high. We went outside, we bought the pork chop sandwiches and they gave me a ride home. I never forgotten that. Never forgotten that. They got me high. They were very funny. They enjoyed that. I was Cuban. They could have mugged me leave. They could, and something made me trust that. Did anyone ever do anything creeping?

One time I almost got mugged in Fresno. How? This black football coach used to bring us up there twice a year. Me, Felipe, Gabriel, Rudy, Martin Moreno, D. Militant, a couple black comics. Real cool guy. He paid you okay. And he'd either fly you up or you'd drive up with those guys, Rudy or whoever. And we did a gig one night. You know, I was buying drugs. You know what I'm not going to tell you. I wasn't doing nothing. And after a show, I got involved with some Mexican gang bangers with like Dredd and not those, you know, with those things in their hand, like Tom Siguro put on the cover of his head. White girls like cornrows. And they had tats and shit. And they had the cornrows and we started talking. They started talking about blow. I didn't

get it. You know, if cocaine was, and I didn't see it coming. This is the thing that you think that you're so cool. And you think you're Johnny Street. And I started talking to these fucking Mexican dudes. And all of a sudden in all this, some black dudes pulled up with like that Denzel car and training day, that same type of car, no bullet holes, nothing. They got out and we all started talking. So one thing led to the other. And they're like, Well, he's looking for this. And they're like, Oh, why don't we take them? And we just drop his ass off at the hotel until he gets his shit, you know, how much you want. And I'm like, So I didn't know what happened. I thought that the people I was with knew the Mexican dudes. Also, I'm getting the car with the black people.

And I'm in the back seat behind the driver. And we pull, we pull a little bit. And that's when I realized nobody's in this car that I know. These guys don't know me from fucking that only. I'm like, What the fuck happened when we drive like a mallet to and there's a gas station. And I go, Let's pull in there and get some sodas and stuff. And they're like, All right, G. So what type of numbers you looking to get, you know, we need 200 just to roll down. I'm like, No, no, no, no, no. That guy, we went to that gas station. I pulled the gas station, the coach that booked those rooms pulled up. He goes, Hey, let me holler at you for a second. He goes, Oh, we gotta get in your car. What the fuck are you doing with these guys? If you need something,

I'll get you something. He goes, These guys will rob you. Come on. We got the fuck out of there. And that was the closest I ever came. Fuck. That's scary. But that was my fault for doing drugs. See, and every time I did that room, I always got the drugs there. Again, sometimes one night I was with Rodrigo and Felipe. And I got a bag of meth there. And I started doing it. And I was fucked up. And Rodrigo and I'm in Felipe's and Rodrigo's room and I can't stop smoking cigarettes. And I can't stop talking. And I had to be honest with them. I said, I did some fucking meth. You know, what are you gonna do? You can't walk on one leg. You can't walk on one leg. Sometimes you got to hit it from two directions. I'm not gonna tell you I was fucking drunk

for eight, ten years ago. I did whatever came along. You have a little speed, something like, fuck, it's been a while. I'm like, fucking, what's his name? It's been a while. What the fuck? You had a little bit of fucking yay from time to time. I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't know what to do now. Do you know it? I wouldn't know what to do. And every six months, not that somebody asked me if I would do a blow, but somebody asked me, what do I think? And I tell them, I go, I don't think anything. I think that if I ever did, I would die that night. I just think my mind and my heart would give up. Have you ever been like, because I saw that Hunger Games with my mom today. And I was thinking about, like, what Philip Seymour Hoffman, after 20 something years of

being sober, like, what made him go back to it? Like, when you're mad or depressed, do you ever think maybe I'll do some coke? Never. No. Never. Especially now with the baby. I know how much it would mean. Yeah. I know how much it would hurt my wife. It wouldn't even be, you know, for the first time my life has a little value because of the baby and my wife and both of them together. Give you a little something. It's the first time I've been scared. You know, if you watched, if you ever watched the end of that movie with Richard Gere and Andy Garcia, Internal Affairs, it's a fucked up movie, but at the end when he's dying, he goes, when you have kids that changes you, makes you do things you might not want to do or do before, you know. So I'm pretty,

I don't know if I do drugs again. If anything, I would do a little bit of white heroin in a needle. No, you can't do a needle. Yeah. I never did it at this point. I think if I did it with somebody cool and I looked the other way and put my iPod in and they shot my arm a little bit of heroin and then pulled some blood out and held it and then I just kept breathing. And I go to my island of the Serenity and they shoot me a little bit more. I think I just get high for a few hours. I would like that. I think that's a lot worse than doing a little bit of coke. It's terrible. No, no, no, no. Some good, good, like a good Chinese guy. A good one. Yeah, like some good Chinese guy in New York that brought it from Toronto.

Something from, you know, something Chinese. They processed it very clean. Oh, some fucking, you know, some white debt, something with one of those names, some white debt. And it had to be a professional. Like, listen, what would you shoot? Well, I'd do a whole bag, but I'd do it, all right, then give me a quarter of that. Just give me a tiny little beat, mix it with some water and just blast me a little bit. Poke the arm, put on some black sabbath and take it out and then loosen it. I would just to go nuts for two hours. Is it supposed to be great? It would fuck me up. It would take a guy like me where I need to be before the next journey. You don't worry about getting addicted to it?

No, not one little tiny taste like that. In my arm with a needle, it's clean, Bobby. Who's Bobby? Bobby, like, uh. Oh, who shot that duck? Andy Dolores is crazy. So what do you think? How are you feeling? I'm super high. No, you're not. You look good, you're conscious. It's clean. Andy Dolores is putting out. Nothing, it's bad. I'm just saying. I spoke to somebody I gave it to and they said, that shit took a leap up, Andy Dolores products. Took a fucking leap up. You're high right now, but you're not all goofy. I'm good in there. No, you're not. You look good. You look healthy. Thank you. What else did you do with your mom?

So you got a driver? What did you do these last three days? Think of what you have that I don't have. I don't have a mom. So I'm very proud that you, uh, we were goofing on it before she came. You're like, you get mad at me if I go and you're like, no, no, no, no. I want you to see your mom. What happened with your mom this week? How was it? How was the meeting of the Mexicans? It was a little bit nerve wracking, but it went well. Like, I was just nervous because my mom, like, she just like, she's just the whitest of like, I'm the whitest and we're just like, I just was nervous, but it went great. They really liked each other. Uh, we had went to dinner. They're gonna call each other every week. No, all right.

No, but like, I was nervous. It was like, I had only introduced my mom to like one other girl before, I think, or maybe two, but no, it wasn't, it wasn't good. And then it was, that was fine. You take it to a steakhouse, you show her all your mornings, you cheat. No, no, no, no, I did. We went out with my mom and I went and Paula and stuff, but my mom wanted to cook, so she could glam that one night when she ate it. And who went over there? Just me and her. One night that Paula and her mom go over. Uh, just Paula came over one night. What did she eat? They ate, uh, we got a, we got takeout that night. What'd you get? Chicken teriyaki. What'd your mom think? She liked.

She got shrimp, it was good. And then she goes tomorrow. Where'd you go yesterday to the museum? Tons. Tons. And what'd you guys learn? She didn't want to juice cream. Pretty much. No, it's, uh, it was a fucked up experience. Like, we saw, we listened to Survivors Speak. It was pretty- I mean, you went to how many people were in the a bunch There was some juice, but no, there's some like Mexican people and stuff and but other the black family a trio of black girls and No, it was I had been to them in DC and Israel before and I get really depressed like I got to see them in a bad mood

Just it really it takes it out I didn't this one wasn't that good because they had you follow like a weird fake Conversation with some scientists like looking at our historians. I guess looking at the Holocaust But like the one in Israel is pretty terrible and it's just it's my mom wanted to go I made her happy. Did you cry I? Got cheered up a little bit. It's it's it's your mom, right? You say Israeli prayer No, it's a prayer. I didn't say a prayer when you went home and broke the lamp Did you say a prayer before the lamp? I love lamb. I know you do you like all that she makes a little bit of a mustard

mixed with a breadcrumbs Little bit mint jelly. She made homemade applesauce. Oh, I didn't even know she did that come on until until this year And now today, what'd you guys do today? We went went into a hunger games and one shopping Would you go see hunger games perfect? You saved on the party. Yeah, okay. They didn't have it at the Lumley anymore I would have said I would have seen it the Lumley, but they didn't have it and then where else did you take you take it? No, she made it sounds stupid, but one of my favorite things she makes is a quesadilla, so she made those your mom There's just American quesadillas. It's just tortillas and

Shrouded cheese and some chicken but cheddar cheese not cheddar. I think it's like the Taco mix blender so much Why don't you just get the one I just get the cheese and a package and really just Dagger in my That white single stuff And it's in the package It's not the shit why it's not the single slices made by craft with the cancer No, next time you get that cheese take it out of the wrap and look at it

I do get that you can smell the cancer. I get smell the chemo therapy. I get the reduced fat version of it, too Yeah Don't come crying leaving your assos on fire cocksucker Let's read the fucking sponsors, right? Let's do that. Can you do that? You get me all fucking pissed off Case-a-dee a Jew flies two thousand miles. She likes it. Yeah. What do you make with it? What about the potato pancakes? We had though I have a bunch of those. Where are they? They're mine. You stay away from them. Where are they my freezer? What does she make them with?

Potatoes onions a little bit of garlic. Do you put applesauce on it and sour cream? You know last the real Jews speaking of the last real Jews fucking on it Who's Jewish their reports came back on alpha brain there, uh, I didn't read them, but it'd be interesting Not yet. I just know they came back. I know they're favorable I know that the study was That's been done before and these numbers were often and everybody, you know talks great things about alpha brain So there you fucking have it on it like I say listen you go somewhere Let's say you go to a burger joint the burger fucking sucks of the fries sucks. You don't need to go there no more

Why do you fucking burger joint on it? You start with fucking alpha brain plain and simple the GPC alpha brain Go for it. Give it a try cuz got a hundred percent money back guarantee We don't even want the fucking product back. You're probably sitting home. Go join you Joe you attacked us the same way every fucking night because this is the way I would fucking attack it What's their main product? Why would we go to product B? If we haven't gone with the product fucking ain't it's that good of a guarantee from there You go whatever you go with the tea formula and raises your level of testosterone You go with the MCT oil the coconut oil you can add it to your smoothies add it to your salads

They have so many fucking different options for you on it. You want to go with the fucking The new mood you want to go with the motherfucking shroom tech the immune you want some more energy You go with the sport they have so many different things to order you go to on it comm if you don't believe because I can't break Them down the right way. I'm a moron. This is 20 second fucking century type shit This is what the astronauts and NASA gonna be taking the fucking three years go to on it read through the pages They also have kettle bells. They also have weighted vests They have the power ropes the battle ropes you can choke your fucking self do whatever the fuck you want But if you're gonna be fucking walking around and trying to be the best you can on on it's gonna help you

They have the supplements to take you to the next motherfucking level How do I know because my memory is on fire with this alpha brain? It fucking helps you that much when you write comedy that helps you that much go on it calm right now I can't get you any deals on the fucking kettle bells, but as far as the supplements I'll get you 10% off plus whatever sale they got plus you go on the mailing list. They take care on it calm What do they press though church church CH you are CH get 10% off if you want to send to your house every month Boom there you go you're gonna stay on it program Bam Lee, don't be fucking cracking jokes cocka. I'm trying to drop knowledge on these motherfuckers

So go on it dot com right now. Also, I've been getting a couple emails iron dragon TV dot com Must I say anymore? We all like smoking a few bongs. Maybe doing a little fucking hash Maybe eating a couple spare ribs and going home and watching Kung Fu movie There's only one channel that has them after one month You're seeing the same movies over and over go to iron dragon TV dot com Dave Foley knows what the fuck he's doing What do they press in the box Joey and what do they get Lee to free rentals to free fucking rentals right off the bat? I got toy. I don't come on show up here looking for dowage. I'm giving you a fucking deal I'm giving you a sample go in there. See the movies. They got what they got the hit you got the hip man series

Movies they got the tight chin movies. They got the the child young fucking fat They got you know enter the fat dragon these guys got Jackie Chan the early shit 1911 They got the thieves. They got the assassins. We ain't fucking around and every day the library goes It's a row cool. Tell them Lee. It's a row cool channel They're gonna have third like they said like 30 new additions every month and in our new year They're gonna start having 4k who the fuck you think you're doing pretty great I'd be telling you this shit if it wasn't a deal for you So what do they get if they go to iron dragon TV that come they press him what Joey Joey and what do they get?

They get two free rentals to not one to just see you look around see what the fuck's in there, right? Please go there right now stop fucking around They got other titles coming these guys gonna be rocking and rolling you want to be right there with them right now If not, I wouldn't have them on the fucking podcast Dave Foley's a fucking savage. Hey these things I'm smoking a cigar right now. It's December 15. You're sitting there huffing and fucking puffing How do I know because I fucking been there? I've been there doing an A-ball drinking vodka Smoking fucking camel lights next thing. You know you smoking your skinny fucking cigarettes next thing I you're huffing and puffing. Yeah

You know your lungs are bad. So what do you want to do you say yourself? It's time to quit smoking I'm spitting my fucking lungs. I'm spitting blood out But you know, you can't do it alone. You're gonna have to take one of those drugs and they're suicidal You know and depression and blood comes out of your asshole. You have to take a class Your self a favor. This is what you do. You start with a nice 24 Milligrams cigarette from Hittie Sigs you say to yourself on Monday I won't smoke till after lunchtime on Tuesday. I'll smoke till three on Wednesday I'll smoke till four and in the morning. I'll start with Hittie Sigs within two three weeks

You won't be fucking smoking no more by that time You'll be down level 16 milligrams or eight milligrams and about a month or two You won't be smoking at all. So what you stay on these for three months just to break it just to break it someday We replace it with the reefer and this next thing, you know, you're not smoking at all You got to thank Hittie Sigs for doing this shit. They're number one these fucking Hittie Sigs They give you 1,200 pups Garen fucking tea coming different flavors. They also have a cigar. You can't beat this shit Go to HittieSigs.com and press in Joey's church. Oh shit. And what do you get 20% off like a motherfucker 20% off

Not 10 20 so the thing cost 20 you get for 16 fucking dollars. Why I gotta talk to you about this shit Everybody wants to get healthy. I gotta sit here and sell you this shit Take a fucking chant take a chance Columbus did go to HittieSigs.com right now get off the cigarettes permanently nailed it life You want to smoke your wax? You want to see the devil go to nailed it life.com not that they got t-shirts Have you been to nail the life lately? I have they work on the fucking web page They're putting some shit together go to nailed it life.com again These guys are my fucking goombas as far as the vapor pen I've heard it from a thousand people. It's the best in the fucking business and what really makes my dick hard about nail

The life is that when you call them with a problem? They're right. They're okie-pokie. They take your fucking problem They handle it customer service is gonna be number one priority in 2015 above Everybody's got a good price. Everybody's giving a good service, but they got to answer the phone But you have a course and they got the computer if you're happy to call Stay on the fucking line and they play like some fucking Elton John movie. They're fags that even listen to no more. Fuck that I'm saying I'm stone to the gills. Yeah, I said really shut My eyes are shut. Yeah, you know why me why because I'm stone to the fucking gills Just like you lia 30 milligrams. I had one of 30. I had about 2,000 milligrams

That's the way the day ends motherfuckers. So you hear you're probably gonna hear this Tuesday, December 16th I love you motherfuckers. Also today's my tomorrow's my last day on that film Tomorrow's my last day on my phone my call time is eight I'll probably be out of that by five or six or seven. I'm very happy. I did the seven days You know, sometimes I'm driving like man, I could use a couple days on the set You know, just to work that muscle and then you know, we're gonna start doing a live podcast more in 2015 That's complete different muscle and then you have to do this podcast. That's a different muscle So it's always different muscles. You're working. So I don't get bored. That's what works for me

Lee always looks at me because I you don't want it. I bring that camera with me everywhere that fucking bloggy Yeah, I can't do videos no more guys. Why because we outgrew it That's it. You want me to go to came on goof on fucking people fucked up head And be with people and told them to move the fuck over. I hate all that shit I know I do it for free though. I don't like to do it on camera because I got to be an asshole I don't like to do it on the spot because I have to I had to be driving mind of my own business And some Jerk goes crossing the street one of those homeless cars. I'm doing 90 Fuck you cop sucker. You just stop on your own time. God. I dare you I dare you to get in the fucking street

Thank you for watching the church tonight. You got 10 days to Christmas I think the 16th Hanukkah starts for all the Jews, you know, I love you to all my heart One of my best fucking goombas in the world is the baddest motherfucking Jew out there So what time are you gonna get up and take your mom tomorrow like 5 a.m. You're gonna sprinkle a little cookie in a sandwich. You want to take one of these fucking? No You didn't even you didn't even try to get a highlight never You she was She was she gets drunk and half a mark rate. I know what Lee you would have taken a little bit of a brownie and

Put on a sandwich that would have killed her. No, it wouldn't only oh, yes It would have your eyes and my what happened. Oh my god. My you didn't eat that. No, ma Ma you didn't eat that that and marijuana. Why because that's how I lose weight You can hear the story or whatever Yeah, I have fun with your mom with that dose of tonight. No, let's go like a brownie way Way of sleep. How do you know she was asleep right left? Where's she really? Yeah, like I went to the gym like six fucking let's go back there and tell you got a brownie leave it on the thing Let's see if she takes a little no

And then fuck the flight at five who gives a fuck the state of the day you like her right? Is that her? No, it's a reminder. What's your mind? Let's take your finger. Yes I Remember her ice pack. Huh? She gets headaches Oh my mom I Gotta go. I love you guys. Thank you for listening. We'll be back Thursday morning with a live podcast And another you stream one maybe Thursday night for you motherfuckers have a great show

I want to thank my sponsors again on it calm iron dragon TV Com hitty six dot com nailed it life calm I want to thank all you bad motherfuckers that listen from Lady J to ookey spooky you sexy bitch And we'll see you in Austin or wherever the schedule is for 2015 for right now We'll see you Wednesday night the Long Beach lab factory or New Year's Eve at the ice house. Stay black bitches What's the music Lee? That's bad bad time. Well fucking play. Oh, no, I have to do the area. Yeah, cuz I think you got me all threatened

Yeah, I think you got me so in This shows brought to you by on it calm use code word church to get 10% off of any of their great supplements like alphabetic New Mood So show is also sponsored by hit east eggs calm use code word joey's church to get 20% off Better tasting longer lasting the proof is in the vape e-cigarettes and e-cigars go to Iron Dragon TV use code word joey to get two free rentals of martial arts movies on the Roku channel iron dragon TV and Go to nail date life calm and use code word joey Diaz to get 20% off of the premiere favorite pen for oil and wax smokers

You Oh Love and pain become one in the same in the eyes of a wounded child Oh Hell is the children And you should not be paid for your love with your balls and your flesh It's also They blacken your

Oh And you should not be paid for your love with your balls and your flesh Oh Oh Oh Oh You