Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #240 - Bobby Lee, Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: December 20, 2014

Bobby Lee, Comedian and actor, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Nature Box. Visit Naturebox.com and use promo code Joey for a free trial box Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/joey for 20% off. Iron Dragon TV. A New Roku channel with all the best martial arts films. Use Code word joey for two free rentals. Recorded live on 12/19/2014.Music:Dengue Fever - Sni BongSo This Is Christmas - John Legend

This show is sponsored by NatureBox. NatureBox ships great tasting healthy snacks right to your door. Forget vending machines and start snacking smarter with healthy and delicious treats like dark cocoa almonds. Support this podcast by ordering a free NatureBox sample box at naturebox.com slash joey. That's right, free NatureBox snacks are found at naturebox.com slash joey. What's so funny? All right. The show is also brought to you by meundies.com. Go to meundies.com slash joey. You want underwear, Bobby Lee? Yeah. You still? You do? We're gonna get you some meundies. They're nice, tight. They don't roll up on your nutsack. Your nutsack don't bounce out. Is it white though? Do I? Is it white? Are they white? Yeah. No, they're all different colors. Oh, good. I want it darker.

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great martial arts movies you want. Use code word joey and you're going to two free rentals. Just when you thought was safe, mother fuckers, the church or what's happening now 420. Look at your watch. It's a beautiful day to be alive. Here you go, baby. This is Korea singing direct to fucking Sony. Tell them put another movie out. We'll fuck you in the ass. We'll get clean. He'll lick our nutsack. And that motherfucking Brad Pitt. He's a fucking fat kid. Oh, yeah. We'll fuck everybody up. The Koreans are coming in. They're slinging dick. Fuck your mother. Koreans are rocking motherfuckers. Fuck you motherfucker. You fuck with the Koreans. You fuck with the Koreans. You fuck with the Koreans. Yeah. What's up, you bad motherfuckers?

The flying Jew and my main man, the baddest motherfucking Korean. Fuck Kim Jong-Joon. We got my main man and this motherfucker, Bobby Lee, direct from the comedy store last night. Yo, man. What's up, baby? Thanks for having me on, man. Thank you for asking me last night. I had to beg you to get on your show. It's embarrassing. I don't want to bother people. You know, you're always such a free spirit. I couldn't even picture you sitting here for a fucking hour. I'm a dream weaver, dude. But you're so different. This woman has settled you down a little bit. Oh, I didn't want to throw you off. Yeah, I'm dating a jungle Asian. So, you know that? No, is she born in the Filipino? I got in trouble once. I said that once. Yeah,

you got to be careful. No, I said jungle Asian and then I had to apologize to like the Vietnamese like media and stuff. But I don't even know why that's wrong because she's Filipino and she's living from the jungle. Jungle. It's like saying there's two guys blacks. There's black jungle blacks and there's jungle city blacks. Jungle blacks get eaten by tigers and city blacks get strangled by cops. Or shot. Or shot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or shot. Or choked. You're right. There's different kinds. There's different kinds of people. Now, was she born in the Philippines? Yeah, she was. Cebu. There's some bad motherfuckers. I know. I really like them. Me too. I love the Filipino. The 12 year olds have mustaches, full blown mustaches.

Nick Tutoro's wife is Filipino and that's who really introduced me to the culture. They're my wife's best friend. I went up being the baby's godparents. They're Filipino and I go over to the house all the time. I mean, he did time and everything. He's in a fucking gang. Yeah, the dude you met that bad motherfucker. Yeah, that's a gangland motherfucker. He just got out You know, he's fooling it out and he got a job at one of the supermarkets, but he's still tatted up We got a motorcycle and yeah, you got to be careful. All right, if you see eight Filipinos one of them has a machete Yeah, definitely you go to their parties. They're the best parties these people that oh my god studio 54 Fuck you you go to a Filipino party

You get your dick sucked you eat a raw bird and they take you for a hundred dollars playing some fucking Chinese poker They know how to fucking play. It's amazing. They gamble it's fucking tremendous and you get 19 of them Look at Pacquiao. Remember he had three apartments filled with Filipinos. Yeah felt They don't they like being together when you go see one 19 are close by I heard like the church he goes to in West LA is always packed packed. I went there Yeah, sacred heart on Sunset Boulevard. I go there on Wednesday I did this movie was you. Yeah, I did this movie with the old guy from Scarface and he was really Catholic and one day He comes to me. He's like, hey man

I need to write the church on Wednesdays because I can't drive. He was he had like those things in his eyes Well, you can't see he's blind blind now a little bit cataracts cataracts one of those so I would drive him to church You don't do any research. He's just what's that? Yeah This is this is on a cuff And he refused to go to the one this guy was an old guy But he refused to go to the church in San Monica because there's too many fucking fags over there. He would tell me Whoa, take me over there. There's too many fucking fags and I go. Well, the other ones filled with Asians

I rather fucking hang out with the Asians and good fucking people So we go and we'd see all these Asians and then I always thought they were Chinese And I kept saying I said why the fuck All these Chinese people doing a Catholic Church at lunchtime Bobby Lee. Yeah, they have a quick mass No priest no, none. They just put a record player on and the record does the whole it's tremendous Oh, yes that player. I don't know what your favorite. Oh my god. It's a half hour They don't even give you the cookie nothing quick. They need to put five hours in the basket. You're done It's the fastest mass, but back with Asians on the way out on the SO pack. Yeah, and then I put it together

Why yeah, you know, we never talk about Asians Also, we got an Asian on the phone on the show. I'm also an enthusiast of Bruce Lee How are you Bobby Lee? You like Asian women? Love them. The vagina is a dark purple inside. Yeah Yeah, no on the outside too. Yeah, I need a little lighter But you every time we see an Asian girl is like he's like scratch it and smells like soy sauce. Oh my god I love me. I love me. I love soy sauce. They have that kimchi little way It's maybe it's more maybe psychological. I did a Korean girl I think it looks it tastes like soy sauce, but it's only because they're Asian. Really? It's in your head. Yeah

It's saltier. No, it's like me eating a girl's like Mexican girls vagina. I'm going. Let's taste like Karnasana But it's just probably just in my head. You know, I mean No, all right, let's move on. We're not doctors or anything like that. No, you're right Maybe you're right. I dated the first Asian girl I ever dated to be honest with you Here's the here's a drop in the bucket first girl. I ever dated was the first girl I had in the first grade My little girlfriend the first grade her father drew for Charles Schultz Snoopy Really is a Chinese like genius guy wouldn't even speak English. I went to the houses They gave me candies with the paper on them. Yeah, they were really Chinese people and that was my first and then we

Or stay with all the food from around the corner I would order food from that Chinese place were fucking tremendous and Manhattan on 87th Street and Broadway and then I dated a Korean girl in Colorado. Oh, you did tremendous. She's great. No, she's great She was great girl tremendous You went back to Korea to teach American to the fucking long jeans. Yeah, is she still over there? No She's in my hometown. She's not marrying a Cuban dude. I'll never date a Korean again. Really? I dated a power ranger Do you know that I dated the yellow one? She's crazy. Oh, yeah, don't put the Asian one in the yellow powers rangers suit. That's racist

Because she's already yellow. Well, didn't they put the black dude in the black one? Yeah. Yeah, that's how they do it But dude one night dude, her name was Patty Lee She wasn't there was a two power Rangers the one there's one that went went into space Okay, she was in the space one, right and one night literally she had long hair at three in the morning I was living silver like three in the morning. I woke up and she was standing over me With her hair over her face staring at me like the grudge Like the movie the grudge like a Japanese ghost as you get the fuck out. I cannot do this I can't sleep for two weeks after that

You little titties. Are you Korean? Yeah, so yeah, yeah, we've talked about a lot. I'm Jewish I don't date Jewish girls. I don't like you. I like Cuban girls as a friend, but I don't like they because you know Yeah, now you were born in Korea Bobby. No, man, San Diego San Diego You stand and you have the only brothers the one I met. Yeah, he's killing it right now, dude. What's he doing, bro? I brought him on a podcast. You know who David Cho is. Yes, right the artist. Yeah, you know David, right? Yes, so David I had my brother on in the podcast David's podcast and David fell in love with him So he signed him to a record deal. I'm not fucking lying, bro First of all fluke my brother had been late in 10 years because you know, you know my brother

He has a skateboard no job, right? So he flew my brother to Macau to fuck 30 hookers Right. I got all the photos and videos. It's David Cho is just crazy. Yeah, he's crazy He's just fucking then he drew it flew my brother to Mexico to fuck hookers Right and then Vegas right and then now they're in a record deal. My brother's in Hawaii right now with them recording another album It's crazy. I didn't know your brother sang either. Did I dude? But he's doing it Yeah, I saw a show in downtown LA. He was amazing dude He killed it. I'm like I can get maybe laid it from this

You know, I mean it was I was so proud of him. This is a dude Dude, I had fixed his eyes. He had he had bumps on his body like warts. I had to get them removed I've spent probably a million dollars on my lifetime taking care of my brother and now he's now on his feet It's great. How old is he? 40 Yeah, we're old, bro. I've known you for 20 years dude. So yeah, no, no 97 yeah, you were doing calmly 97. Yes. When did you start 95? Wow, yeah, yeah, and you stayed in San Diego, you know two years in so I met you in 97 because of the fact that

When did you move to LA 97? Yeah, that's what I met you right I met him in San Diego. I think well, then I met you even more longer. Yeah. Yeah, no 97 It was 97, but I think I met you in Lahore. Maybe maybe you were like one of the hot shots in Lahore Yeah, you came probably down with Rogan or maybe no, I came down there She used to have crazy shows then and on Wednesdays. I used to always do Latino nights. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah Me, Noe Gonzalez, sure The thicker Mexican guy. She only had five regulars. No Carlos. Yeah, and Freddy Freddy. So yeah, so it was me Freddy Marilyn. Yeah. So it was nine out of ten times. It was me, Marilyn, and Noe

God, unbelievable and then I met you down with the Latino laugh festival probably in San Antonio You're there, but you were one of the big shots down now In there, but you were one of the ones that people were talking about And you were tight with Shama and you know, you guys were making it happen And then we met and then you were regular at the comedy store I got into drugs Now when did you get into drugs before when I got on that TV? No, yeah, I was sober for 12 years

Right, then I okay, so we had this talk you had gone to a rehab for heroin when you were 16 17 Yeah, 17 and you stayed sober for 12 years. Yeah, and then I got on mad tv and the first day I was there They just said One of the producers said I'm not gonna name names because he were friends or whatever but he said that I don't think that you're that funny and that we're not going to use you a lot You know, that's what he said to me dude first day Like maybe the first week or something and so after he said that I was just like Nah, I can't I started doing drugs again. I couldn't handle it emotionally

When did he start doing heroin? Well, I was a 15 back then but then I didn't relapse on heroin. I took Vicodin and stuff. I remember I was a pill head And I used to smuggle it I was to smuggle it across state and then I used to go down to T1 They don't sell Vicodin in Mexico because it'll make it there But I used to bring soma's and Valium and all that shit and we used to just fucking I used to have a pill box I used to come to the comic store give it away like candy. Remember now remember? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah

I didn't know if you were a I was the coke guy. I know you I never you never gave me you don't like it I know you know the offer, you know I like the offer and if you offer it then I would be like no, I don't thank you. It's uh It's really weird that we're sitting across when we tell we both had the drug problems And now our lives are in focus and you don't do no no more coke No, I just smoke for you for seven years. No, wow, that's great. No rehab. No lugs. No nothing just Yeah, I had to do a full turkey man. I just nothing Because if I should smoke pot then it's then it's like then it'll

Sparrow down. I I think if I don't smoke pot That eventually my temper would flare or something I'd be down at the doctor's office getting value Was something yeah something eventually they have to give me something to balance me out Uh, it's the people that are walking around That are crazy that don't know they're crazy They're the fucked up ones if you're crazy, but you keep it in check and you yourself know you're crazy And you avoid the things to make you crazy. Yeah, you're okay. You're halfway there. You know, I realized at like 24 there's something And

Wasn't right and then when I went to prison And I got out Would you hit somebody over to the head with a pipe or something? No, I kidnapped somebody Oh, that's right difference. In fact, he called me yesterday. We've been playing phone time I I got I gave him a hot ua when I was in the halfway house And they they they put you in jail for those and boulder I had a good attorney and he forced me to go to a rehab And I ended up going to an outpatient like everything was booked up. Thank god

Because they were so that means you don't that means you live at home in patients where you live I live in the halfway house. So basically I was going to my job and then going to the uh Going to the halfway house from six to nine was the outpatient for six weeks Monday through Friday six to nine They'd piss you monday And they'd piss you friday or something. I forget what the fuck it was along with the pistas I was taking it at the other time and that was the first time in my life at the age of 27 That had ever been sat down and done those things. Were you talking to people? Were you in comedy though?

Not even the only comedy in my life was when I put a gun out and said give me your money That's the only comedy in my life in those days. It's like you ever caught a comedy. I was uh, I was just a kid, you know, you're 20 fucking seven, bro You know these people in america today's people listen to the podcast Well, you're trying your life from listen after a while you got two choices. You turn it around or you die Is it that tough to turn your life around? Yes, and no depending on how you look at it It all starts with a job and going to bed and washing your pussy and getting up in the morning and drinking coffee

And it's a process and some people can handle it and some people can't fucking handle it, you know I still can't fucking handle it. Yeah, I go through it every day. So that's the only reason why that's the excuse I give myself a smoking weed You do do whatever do you do? It keeps me going. I'm not shoplifting. I'm not hitting people in the head And I'm not breaking into the house. I haven't robbed the lighter. They've been putting them out for me lately They've been trying to bait me the one on curson's been fucking with me every time I go to that one by the common store They've been leaving them out. That's the one I killed I broke my own record in there like eight times I would take people in there and show them you took me

Do I take a light in front of you? You took me like look, I'm gonna put my hand in my pocket to they make them think I'm grabbing money But I'm really grabbing a lighter and putting it in my pocket Like you had a whole system. Oh my god, it's crazy Comedy saved me though. Did it save you? Yes, because remember I wasn't when I was 17 I'd been the three rehabs, right? I was the only asian guy that got all f's like I was just People my parents that had Down syndrome. They really did They took me to like a doctor and everything. They're like, he doesn't have Down syndrome. How come he could or if he's just stupid, you know

But it's like without comedy. I would be fucking. I don't know what I'd be doing I'd have no skill set, you know So sobriety and also comedy saved my life If anyone out there is like thinking about doing it just do it because it will literally It'll turn your life around. It'll change if you're good. It'll change everything in your life Well, how long ago was man tv because I remember you on tv I know I don't have my hair, but I'm only 26. So like I remember you I thought like middle school. Definitely high school. You were how many years were you on?

I was on it for eight years. Wow So I I was around and you booked it. Yeah, and then you went off the deep end Yeah, and they liked you so much. They told you they had an intervention. They made you go back at eight o'clock at night I remember you telling me all these stories somewhere. Well, I mean I Ari Shafir has a comedy central you did it too or the comedy central show the one that's going to be on television Right, and I talked about how they gave me an intervention And then I was on vikin. I was taking 30 vikins a day and then I I shit my pants and a conny chung sketch live

How many it came out of my stockings, you know me and they said caught I got fired and then I got sober and then It came back on the show for six years Yeah, how many vikin in like when you have an injury are you supposed to take it? Four two to four I was in Brett farb like yeah, 30 fucking vikin in the day And how many did you do that one weekend and you did a lot of something 30 valium? Oh my god in three days, Bobby Lee. Yeah, that'll put down a t-rex man It made that I was talking sideways

So far I wouldn't even call the house. I was calling How you going Bobby Lee, who's this? It's Joey Dears speaking to the phone. It's Joey Dears speaking to the phone. It's Joey Dears. It was fucking horrible I didn't even go home. I checked. I got out on a sunday. I woke up in Beaumont, Texas And I made Pete the owner of the laptop take me to Intercontinental And I got room service and all that Houston food and I swear to god by wednesday thursday I went to my buddy's house who was an attorney that stayed with him and I still couldn't talk

Like I didn't why'd you take that many because I had him Oh, you had him. Do you follow me? I went to you. I got to Beaumont on the thursday And I had normal people would let me give him up But no you have to take it. It was fucking Bobby. You've been there. I know we've been there where it's just uh I went down to get below in Beaumont I was doing the weekend at Beaumont and I went to get powder and there was no powder But I go what does the guy have and he goes he's got valium You know what? I don't know like valium, but give me 30 of them

You know because I knew in those days. I knew a couple comics who liked them Again, you're the best you buy them for your comic friends, you know, even if I took five I'd still give away 20 20 and I keep five at the house for those nights when I got dead dick And I want to get my dick or whatever, you know And I went down and I had him I'd never forget this out of the brown bag Like a brown bodega bag, you know like a beer can bag And I had him in there And I would just keep going in there and eat them

And but the the friday was sickling because I had no weed So I had no weed either. So I was eating the valium. So I started like at seven in the morning Valium's only burned halfway. The rest go into your fat. I was 400 fucking pounds They were all over my and I kept popping You know need to perform that way I went I got I got on the floor the first night And did my cameo a mitch head bird on the floor. You did it lying down. Yeah, it's josh wolf. I was a people know Then sat there kept eating them eating them and then the coke came Then I mixed it with jagermeister and I just went

And then there was a little hot freak that was a boomer. We started talking And she was going to drive her boyfriend home and come back to the hotel So we were going back and forth and she showed up and she put a bikini on the room And we started eating fucking volumes and doing powder Then I ran out of blow at like seven in the morning. I called my friend's younger brother He came and got me and took me to like the worst part of bowman where there's no latinos no mexicans No chinese It's just white people that hate everybody and they took me deep into a cabin and we bought an eight ball

It was the best blow I ever did it was mixed with hatred. You could tell us It was cocaine cut with hatred I was fucked Bobby that went back. She was naked playing with a pussy when I walked in the whole time. I never seen nothing like that She was just playing with a pussy. It was like on fire. It was juicing everywhere And I took my dick out and tried to get it hard. I had my way It was fucking like the I never even told the story like it was just a creepiest Drug story like at the end. This is 2005 after the longest yard came out

I was just going for it. Like I was fucking gone I walked in the whole time when my clothes were doing and it was one of those things that you have to walk around And it was two beds in the room and she's balls ass naked Just fucking with five hands in there fucking rubbing a clip And I go over my dick is this big and i'm fucking trying to whack on some amount and it's not getting hard and She's sucking it and she's sucking and she keeps going I have a boyfriend and she'd suck it for like another two minutes and then I love my boy This is the fucking this is like the creepiest morning ever

And i'm hearing people at the hotel. They're in town for some christian thing And i'm hearing them get ready for church and this is all going through your head, man And finally I ate more pills And finally like I tense she goes I gotta go my boyfriend's picking me up in a half hour We're going to his parents for long. I was like you just sucked my dick my dead dick Three hours you're gonna sit there across from your mother-in-law. Are you fucking crazy? And I remember going for the bag and they were gone I'm going

I'm going maybe she robbed me and uh, no, that's what I was thinking too. No No, because she had two she wasn't even a valium chick She was a coke chick And I didn't check into her rehab. I just checked it for a week and a half and I came back to LA And kept an eye on the monkey Gotta keep an eye on the monkey when you're at that point you gotta keep an eye on the monkey because you might OD You're fresh to OD As long as you know, this is going in though

Because this is you know, I was doing A ton of coke then yeah at night only bobby. I wasn't a coke guy in the daytime It would destroy me you have coffee in the morning in the morning. Here's the beauty of it. You said some words that were brilliant You said comedy saved me comedy Definitely saved me because it gave me a purpose. Yeah, it gave me the uh Whenever I did anything else, there was no purpose. I fucking hate it anything else. I did leave whether it was cooking or

Mixing concrete or painting no matter what even in a warehouse when I was getting union wages I would do the math in my head. So I'm getting 17 an hour Eight hours a day. I'm making one fifty. Yeah, I need to eat. I'm saying like I need You just start going, you know, I'm gonna try to make money and what I want to do And uh, yes, it did fucking save me and it saved you too. You like I have 28 first cousins They all went to eye of league schools Right. So in high school, I was going to palomar college, which is a junior call like, you know Community college and like I literally thought

Oh, yeah, I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm not I'm never never gonna make any money I couldn't get any pussy because I look like a scallop and like I just you know, I girls didn't like me and Had no money confidence nothing And when as soon as I started doing stand-up, I started getting girls and stuff. It was crazy and then I just kept going. So it just definitely saved me. I thought I was gonna die alone With no money in poverty when you were getting on stage all those years What were you going for? Were you going for a mad tv type show? No, I don't know what I had no goal I'm telling you this right now, dude. I'm fucking what I mean people say I'm a nice guy. Bobby's nice

I'm not nice when it comes to comedy even from the fucking beginning You fuck with my stage time like if I hear somebody bad mouth me with a promoter or somebody that was booking a room I would do everything I can to fuck that person Like in terms of stand-up, you know, I mean I have no sympathy and I'm fucking cutthroat, dude I'm an opportunistic person And so that's all I I didn't have any goals But I just knew there's something I wanted to do and if you fucked with it. I was just a fucking maniac My personal life. I'm cool. I'm honest. I'm you know and loving I'll loan you money

Whatever you need, but when it comes to comedy, dude, I will fuck you First of all, this is the major leagues What do you mean? If you're gonna do coming you start in michigan or boston or new jersey or colorado Those are the minor leagues. Everything you're you're effort in doing is to get here. Yeah Or to new york, you know, you're striving to go to new york I'm getting good enough. I'm getting 32 minutes You know, I'm getting 38 minutes. So when I go to new york, I get killed. You know, that's what you're putting together

You're putting money away every week in the bank. You're getting to know different people When you get here This is the major league And I could look at somebody now No matter how much heat he has And I could tell you what he's gonna make it or not Just by looking just how because we've seen them come and go Legends montreal people we looked at and said, oh my god, we're dead. There was a girl in 99 went to montreal

I'm not gonna say her name. I know her name, but um, she went she had been doing comedy for six months She went to montreal. She got a half a million dollar deal from winter brothers, right? And I was a doorman at the comedy store in hollywood I was making a dollar a day like it was fucking sad and I used to get angry like fuck this girl's not even that good You know, I mean, I haven't seen her since You know, because she's not as I'm a roach You have to be a cockroach You know, I'm willing to suffer

And and sit in the pain, you know, I'm just like You know, but if you have to be strong I'm a pussy like if you fought me, dude, I would I might I have like brittle bones You know, I mean, I have no muscle in my body. I'm just pure fat But dude in the inside I'm a fucking roach Well, you were talking about when you came in you said it's like hard sometimes Being an actor and waiting for a decision It must be hard also waiting when you're first starting out waiting for headlining gigs or other gigs

So it's like it's not it's not exactly a fun That's not a fun part of their job Even when I used to work in tv Every three months I'd be looking for a job just because that's how tv is and my friends Thought I was crazy out here. They're like we have a job and I hope to work here for 20 years I'm like, uh, just not how it works out here. So it's like that not everyone could deal with like Going to an audition and just never hearing back One thing that I haven't come with bobby that

Why bobby's feelings hurt that I didn't ask him to come on the podcast I was kidding by the way. No, I know I'm in the wrong place. I know but uh One of the things that I don't I don't have much. I don't have much when it comes to comedy But I'm gonna say some I'm a comedy store comic That's big with the marines We're the ones that jump off parachutes and shit to bring you fucking real comedy And we're we're the last of the mitzi short products. Yeah

We're the last I don't have a lot to say. You don't see me on the tv show every week You don't see me driving over maserati, but I will tell you what I'm one of the last generation that she said And I seen her throw some savages out of that. Yeah And she fucking handpicked me from the fucking jump You know three minutes to seven minutes to ten minutes Can you can you do ten minutes from me next week? Okay, see you and I didn't kiss her ass I didn't sit next to I took that mother fucking ran like a savage with the last of that generation These kids are coming at not the comedy store. It's the comedy store. There's not the mitzi short generation

They're brutal the comedy store has changed a lot The exterior has changed a lot the patois of it, which I love I love the evolution of something because we started when in the 90s right where comedy was at the lowest point Because the big television boom happened in the late 80s and the early 90s and in the late late 90s It was dying. It was like one of the lowest forms Of um of show business, you know, so it's like the clubs you had way more comics than there should have been and little stage time Which creates a really like an aggressive and hostile environment

So it's like when you're at the comedy store, you have no money and there's a thousand people signing up for open mic And you have to be able to like, you know weave your way through that You know and we're and joe and I were a part of that Generation of guys that like now it's like there's internet like you can be famous just by doing a video at in your bedroom You know, but back then that was the route mitzi short and give a fuck She would throw you to the fucking lion. Yeah, she would and that's why I'm lion proof What would you do like because it made you laugh put you up for a year at 12 45

following domarera Or even something worse somebody that's like not even good You know like they'll put you up. I'm not gonna name names But like she was people in a world like the worst comedy you've ever seen and You'd have to go up after the in front of five people at 1 30 of the morning in front of the worst comedy you've ever seen You did that for years. Did you hate her during it? Because I had like I had a bad boss my first movie out here who I hated during it But now I see that she helped me but bet you didn't hate her. I knew that there's a thousand comedians

One night that was a dude when I first got out there. I was that was out there maybe three months and It was 12 45. I was scratching for a bumper coke, but I couldn't do it. It's like I got off stage And there was a kid complaining And somebody I think was Paul Mooney said you don't want your spot put a list out there And sign up for his family people sign up for your two o'clock in the morning spot You should be grateful and I sat there and said he's right. I didn't I didn't just learn from Mitty sure I learned from Paul Mooney Yeah, I learned from a lot of guys that I saw them go up there and what was going on with their lives

Dice was still coming up a lot a lot How long did it take you bub? Because I knew that's right. We were bad boys of comedy. Yeah, me you and jim norton Yeah, me dice jim norton. We went to vegas. We went to vegas with dr. Happy. Yeah, that was a long time ago That was riviera. Yeah. No, it was yeah. No ballies ballies They had a dish of fucking coke cuts in them. Yeah, you and I thought it was Just made it The comedy show was so brutal that like the audiences were two were gang members or you know, like just

Vampire, you know, I mean and they did they weren't regular human beings, right? Well, how many times did you go to get passed? I got passed the first time. Sorry. Yeah, I was lucky when I asked if you hatred or like already talked about Doing it like 20 times or something crazy like that. He must have hated her at some point Yeah, but how many mandela showcase 48 times. Wow. Yeah, so um But the thing is is that when I did leno for the first time in 2000 They asked me are you scared? I go, I'm not I plan from the comedy store. This is This is easy

These are regular people. I perform in front of twilight vampires They'll bite your dick after the show, you know, she come up to you and say shit Like you'd walk in you wouldn't know what was really going on You'd walk in the room on a sunday And you walk up the stairs to checking at the booth and as you're making that turn That's mitzvi mother fucking sure and she's drinking her little drinks She ain't going nowhere. She's got a menu in her hands got glasses on and you're up in 15 She also looks like a warlock. Yeah. Yeah, like you from like lord of the rings

Like she has a cape scars run her ahead. You don't know what it's like to bomb in front of mitzvi sure. Oh Oh, you fucking go do you remember time? Fuck yes, I remember time. Fuck. Yes. You also can hear her talk. So it's like when you're bombing you can hear this Light um They say when she says that your heart your heart just just disintegrates She never let me like that. She never let me I didn't see her throw out Two or three comments give him the line One night she went off bill hex my ass. He's terrible

Give him the fucking light give him the fucking light. She just went off She never did that to me. She always let me go mom then she go I have an idea for you. I want you to grow your beard and put a handcuff on and tell him your fiddles nephew I think we'd make a riot. We could sell that to tv and you go, okay, man You know what she did to george lopez, right? george lopez auditioned for her right and Minute and she she she goes line up and george lopez just snapped. Hey, bitch You know what I mean? I've been on this this this, you know, like you think saying his credits

He she did that to louis ck too one minute in this is after his hbo specials Lying on we turned to mitsuko. He's like the best comic in the country. What are you doing? That's why when she she had to She had to go Because she was losing her mind I love her But like when you're saying You lied it to louis louis ck. You're out of touch a little bit. She didn't like jerry seinfeld. Yeah

She didn't like jerry seinfeld. She didn't like a lot of people. Yeah She doesn't like what like straight lace white dudes. No, I mean like regular old white dudes You need to have like I know you have to be an albino midget or nine foot simoan like she likes like, you know, I mean like a little catch You know i mean She's like red-headed black eyes. You like if i'm lying to you May From day one. I mean from my first nine months in comley people come up to me. You know, it's much easier seeing you. Yeah

Yeah People would always ask me. It's much easier. Yeah And so I always knew that my home was the comic. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I was just very fortunate To be could get put on them. So now forget the fucking college You go to rehab you come back on mad tv and you just knock it out of the park after that What was the difference? Oh man, like what was the difference? Dude, this is what happened, dude Instead of letting them dictate how I feel about myself

So it's like, you know, on monday's you know, people pitch and they write and then twos is a tabaret And I wouldn't be anything so monday's what I would do is I was just when I got sober I would just stay there all night And either right or I would pitch and I would wait I would just work really hard And then by year three you could tell that I was going to stay on it as long as I wanted to which was like as soon as that happened I was fine But like everything in in this business you have to go in and you have to fucking fight it out, you know And I'm a pussy dude and this and that, you know, I mean I am but in terms of like

There are some things that I've done that I've been really proud of myself about and that was one of them Just being able to stick stick it out without snapping or like Killing myself really, you know But it's like even now I stayed on it for six years and then got canceled and now I've been I've been on the road ever since It's does this will do two years ago, but I was on fire Dude, I was on I was in the dictator I was in herald lucum or three and then I got on a sitcom the mbc show animal practice And as soon as animal parts got canceled two years nothing animal practice

Yeah, and that monkey show that was on the monkey show. Yeah, I was on a monkey show and the monkey dude the monkey He's about 400 milligrams of thc. So dude, dude, you can't choose who you work with When you show up and they go, there's a monkey on it. You got you got to go You can't go I I don't want to do it And there was like, dude, there was one scene where like like literally like it's close up on my face In the back of the monkey's face and I did a take that was perfect and they go the monkey moved its head I go fuck monkey You stupid fucking monkey

Like it was impossible to work with one time I turned around it was literally going It was touching its little vagina Did it smell? I don't know if it smells Not the vagina Just the fucking monkey's thing like when the monkey came in the room. Yeah. Yeah. It's like a horse came in It's also like a hot chick, right? So as soon as like a monkey walks in it's like all the attention goes toward the monkey So you're like fuck me. I gotta get off this fucking thing. This is not gonna work for me

You You did it with a dog. Is it harder with a dog? It's fucking Just unpredictable But now these guys that I do these movies with avatua science because it's six movies we've done So now they know exactly how to cut and the first two I did with a fucking dog I love the dog. Lana. She's great. She's a great dog. She's still around Gary Valentine has her little puppy sister

The problem is that They can't be on the set for long hours, you know, you have to pay for an animal person to come out and No one has to take a break every 45 minutes to get oxygen and for his eyeballs to adjust It's fucking crazy. So we had a full-blown animal clinic Like aside like we had to have stables and veterinarians because pita was gonna fuck us So then we just they they're get really there's a lot of rules man when it comes to animals, you know You gotta have a body double for the monkey You gotta have like a yeah, just getting new guns all of us. You know, yeah, no

Like let's say you look at a stand-in dog There's a stand-in dog and then but let's say you want to hit that dog with a car What do you think you do? You got to get like a fucking a dog to lay down They shoot it before the car hits it And then they they pull it back now they get the fucking dummy dog and they put it underneath. He's a dead dog It's like a a stuffed dog. Okay, you mean like a stuffed animal You know, yeah, they show and they go to like the shelter and pick up like a stray But sometimes if you watch a movie they just use a shitty dead animal like a a stuffed animal a kid could tell that's a fake

Yeah, you know, so it's just it's tough to shoot with an animal. It's very tough to shoot with kids Yeah, I heard kids are tough too because they gotta go to school Every fucking set I've been on that's had kids the school teachers They're all fucked up They're all fucked up whatever and they're always men and they're all fucked up Like the one guy I met has his eyes are too spread apart No, I swear to you googly eyes. He had like fucked up eyes. I call him fish eyes Like that comic mark alice. He's got googly eyes

Right, but the one we saw the one we saw last week For the dog movie was the worst. He was like an old guy with like a hat And every time he'd sit down at craft service people would just get up and walk away. He was that fucking cool I don't know who eyes these sag teachers. I hate when extras talk to me Really? I'll tell you why why because it's like it's always I do the last thing I did right where there was extras and they were all like Open micros I started in the 90s, but now they're all professional extras So then I'm talking you're talking to like the producers or whatever and then they come sit next to you

Like because we're friends because we started together It's like no man, not in this environment in this environment. You're like a plant or a lamp fixture. So go do that You know me while I do this No, dude in a comic book. Yeah, fine. You're gonna go up on stage and that but do you know Thing I'm talking to producers did because they want to get they want to get hired Right, so they hover around you like there were friends You know and then they you know and they try to be funny in front of like the director So then they get a line. It's fucking sad, bro

So I have to like what you're looking at me like I'm a fucking asshole. No because it just happened to me last week Tell me why it's Because of the comedy store From the beginning I always had a little dignity If I wouldn't have had the comedy store from the beginning, I think I would have been one of those guys But because I always knew that no matter what happens on this stupid set I always had the comedy store 1145

Even if paramount calls mitzi and says joe d is cursed out of director mitzi telling good go fuck yourself and hang up the phone That's my boy. You know, she loved all that shit. That's what she thrived on. So I When I went when I go on those sets I always used to see comics like the first three or four jobs I went on I used to see comics and how they acted And I go i'm not gonna act like these guys like they'd be making jokes all day They always had a you know always had to say something or if an extra new knew how to sing they would just sing Spontaneously. Oh, it's it's fucking hard. It's so sad. It's really sad. So I I knew how to act

I always knew just to keep your fucking mouth shut If you're doing a scene and you already got them asked to do listen, I want to try something Yeah, and I don't attend. They'll keep your shit You know, but I never act creepy. I never did that last week I got on my last day on the set I pull up and we got the podcast You know people say hello I talked to real me do I you know they listen to about whatever. I don't fucking know

A thousand people say fucking hello You don't know from what venue they could be saying hello, you know And this guy's talking to me, but he talks to me in Spanish guys. I'm fucking deaf I'm fucking deaf it's seven in the morning and you want to talk to me in fucking Spanish From a far distance Like from 10 feet away. I don't know what the fucking guy's saying. I'm just smiling You know me. I'm just smiling shake my head like I know what the fuck you're talking about Just to be like

And I kept pouring oatmeal on my dish and I poured the fucking cancer sugar out And then he gets over and he's talking to me and he goes, where are you from? I tell him in New Jersey. He goes, no, you're Spanish. Yeah I'm Cuban. He tells me he's Puerto Rican. Okay. Nice to meet you You know, and I didn't know I thought he was the fucking guy that was helping with the food Yeah, right. So I don't know nothing. I don't ask questions, but I don't give a fuck Yeah, you know, I go to my trail. I got everything in my trailer that trail I worked in last week was the size I've been in bigger jail cells

Okay, I've been in bigger fucking jail cells. Okay, not even a mirror or cuts the couch You couldn't even sit on a chair and a thing and a little bathroom. I didn't even fit it. It was like a I had to go back from sideways like an airplane, right? This is how small it was. All right. I got everything in there I got my iPod. I got a notebook A couple pens. I got my glasses. I brought a dr. J book All right, I got reefer. I got rolling papers. I got a couple lighters. I got an edible I got water. I got everything in there. I'll go in that fucking trailer for four hours. You know me though We don't need nothing. I don't need to talk

I need to talk to nobody So I say goodbye. I don't know. I thought he fucking worked in the fucking kitchen Okay, that's what I thought he was a Spanish dude. He was watching the breakfast. Okay Next thing, you know, they call for a body double for Dean came and guess who it is The cook the Puerto Rican kid, right? And I'm like, hey, how you doing? Hey, yeah Yeah, so we do the scene blah blah blah Dean came pulls over and boom boom and he comes right over me. He's like What are you doing this? And I go, I'm one of the guys. I'm one of the thieves

He goes they've done like six of them. Have you done all of them? Yeah, and he goes do you have they all been big roles and I'm like, whatever, you know Yeah, you know Who's the producer? You know me? I don't know nothing. I don't know Somewhere in there. Go ask around. Who's the director? I don't know You know me. I just show up. They tell me stand. I do what I do I know who he is, but he don't need to know what's with the question. Yeah, it's 7 45 in the morning. Yeah I don't need the fucking question. Yeah. I mean, it's just it's just fucking terrible

And then I do the scene with him the scene's over We move on to the next scene Now he's out of costume lurking With a bag and I could see they had his head shots in there and shit, right? I'm watching all this This is what I do. I'm a professional just in case you had a half a million there From the old days. I don't know. I just picked up a bad habit So now he was sitting there in between scenes. They just blocked

And we're sitting there waiting for them to put the cameras in the room And he walks over to the circle To the fucking directors and the producers Doug before I didn't know where they were gonna sit. It was a chair. It was cold out I had a hooded sweatshirt on I sat in the last fucking chair and put my hooded sweatshirt on Then they started sitting next to me talking about the next scene So fucking Pablo here jumps in the circle. That's what uh, that's it. That's what I'm saying, but here's what gets ugly guys You ready for what he does? No, he starts talking to me in spanish

In front of five white people Which is just very rude Yeah, and he keeps doing and I'm like, hey man. Yeah, I'm talking to him language trying to change the comments He's asking me in spanish. Who's the guy here? I gotta talk to to get put on this movie And I'm sitting at you guys No, you fucked up me you fucked up me. Yeah, why me you should have talked to me in the first place guy. Come on No, no, no, you gotta say hello to everybody Guy, what are you gonna do? He's talking some little chinese guy comes up to the movie set

I go, who are you? He's by the fucking food. I'm gonna tell you how it goes. Okay, bro. Drop it on me. Hey, how are you doing, Bobby? I'm jing jing. Oh, hey, jing jing. What do you do? Uh extra I walk away. I couldn't hear this fucking guy. He was telling me. Hey, jing jing. Don't talk to me ever again That's why I don't fucking know. No, no, no, you fucked up gotta be nice to people. I say hello Not in that situation you fuck. No, I'm on a movie set. You gotta be nice to everybody about this. Hi. I'm jing jing What do you do? I director. Hi, jing jing Jing jing is the director. I want to say hello What you do fucked up. I didn't fuck up, Bobby

Well, then tell me what happens then so now you're in a situation where this guy could fucking sabotage Your shit. No, you know me better than that dog. Tell me what happened. I'll throw him over the fucking pig Yeah, before he does something like that So he keeps asking me I'm gonna excuse myself and I take him over and I go first dog Look at those people. You see anybody there in spanish? No, what the fuck you talking spanish for you're saying this out loud in front of the people. No, no, no, you know me I'm a professional. Oh, you do it still. I say like and I go number two

Yeah, he goes, you know, his answer was what when miami everybody talks Spanish. This ain't fucking miami These are white people. Don't take a fucking fight. But they're fucking retarded You fucked up. No, I didn't fuck up You have to know you don't you don't really when I get on a set and and there's extras there and a couple I say hello to them because A I was very fortunate I was maybe an extra one time in seattle carrying boxes and You know one of those what do they call those movies when they industrials industrials

I was never an extra. Do you see how they treat those animals? Yeah It's horrific But they chose to do be message. It's not like I understand I understand but maybe they don't know what they get themselves into and they're not like you and I who go with Is that I I gotta go you can understand both sides like You you probably might you might have been nice at one point But then something like this happens and then now Joey, I know you're not going to but you would be It would be okay for you to be like fucking. I can't talk to anyone anymore because I'm like, I'm gonna tell you a thing

Okay, I was on the league Recently right and my friend Deanna was an extra because she needs extra money, right? Deanna Deanna and I are very close friends. I didn't know that she was going to be there She saw me For me, she was in the stable where all the extras are she saw me. She smiled. I smiled She didn't talk to me once. I'm very good friends with her Right because she's instinctually knows right you have to instinctually know Where you're at and if you don't I'm sorry for yelling to you, right?

But if you don't know then no get to know it you have to know you have to know when to speak I want to just sit there and not like for me. Yeah for me. It's like when a director's talking I don't shut the fuck up and listen Hey, we need you to do this. Can I tell you what happened once? Yes, I was on the dictator that movie with Sasha My first scene was I was so nervous. I was with Ed Norton where we're coming out of a bathroom Larry Charles, right says to me Come out the camera is going to be here. Hit your mark

Make sure your head is turned to the left because then we get the lights on your face And then do your lines on this and that right I go in the bathroom with Ed Norton, you know what Ed Norton says Don't do it that way What? You guys do it this way. This is better. So what you're going to do is you're going to go out Don't turn to the left go to the right and I'm going to do this and in my head. It's like, what do I do? Do I fat follow Ed Norton or the director always the director? You know, I said Ed Norton

I go, you know what? I'm going to try it Larry's way first and then I'll try it your way second He goes, okay, good idea But the thing is that you have to know where you're at. You have to know who you're you know, I'm not going to listen to Ed Nor he's not the captain of the ship, right? And these extras they have to know where they are They're the people that you know in the bottom where they clean it Whatever they do in the ship I I've been very lucky. I'm not a comic, but I've gone. I've been in a lot of green rooms with joey and other comics

And joey knows I hate it especially when he gets me this high I think people who are uncomfortable to be there Are uncomfortable with silence or uncomfortable with it just being a normal interaction Where they they always talk too much. They always try to how they have weird laughs They like they try they they don't like it when it's quiet But when I first met joey, I was terrified to meet joey because he was on tv I've been very lucky that I've met a bunch of cool people now and it's it's not as big of a deal And I understand why but I think that's the biggest issue is that they're afraid of it being quiet

No, that's not what it is. Listen, you have gut instinct the reason why you're in this situation with joey right now It's because I don't know you at all right, but you know how to play it All right, so that's you I have a little bit of that No, no, you listen to me. You know how to play it. You know how to play it because you're in this situation I was doing the houston improv once and the host. I don't know him. They use a local guy His first line to me is this. I don't know. You know why I'm hosting. I'm a headliner. I go you're fired You're a fired get off get out of here I don't let people like you're be grateful for what you have don't come up with your me machismo

I've never heard of you dog Right, so it's he doesn't know his place. You do You don't think I know I listen to me right now, dude If I'm sorry for yelling, but if I was dude if I'm in a situation, right and I'm sitting there with Barack Obama, right and Putin and I'm just sitting there. I ain't gonna say shit Right. I have to know my place I'm gonna if they want it put in good. Give me water. I'll get again water Brock said give me a sound. I'll go get a sound. I'll go try who taught you this

It's called good instinct. It's like it's like being just being annoying Like in koreans, we have this thing. Well respect your elders, right? So it's like if my uncle says above me go give me water if I said no uncle. I'm dead I would just hear black. I'd black out and then I would wake up in a hospital You don't do that Right, you gotta know your place dude. I'm not saying I'm the shit, but I know my places Nothing bothers me more When people don't know their place and it's just age

No I just pray for them Bobby. Yeah, I don't get mad no more because it seems like It's a different society And a lot of people just do not Know how to act how to sit there how to approach you How to Very seldom. Yeah very seldom do people especially

I don't know how to describe them. It's when they want it when they want you to do something for them That's the weirdest interaction. I always have Lee has saw it Lee saw it well when people want to give me scripts Yeah, it's very uncomfortable for me. I don't know what to say I'm very outgoing But then again, I'm very no you have to learn Joe And you're very outgoing, but I've seen you at the congress to a standing by going by yourself. Yeah, I don't know I don't let no no no. No, he's beautiful But I think there's a difference and I just want to make because

We're not saying like the people come to you at the show Like the fans of the podcast like your fans are amazing The people from that no, dude. Yeah, I say hi. I love my fans I'll take a photo with anybody that wants a photo. I'll give you a hug. I'll talk. I don't give a fuck That's not what I'm talking about. I understand But I just didn't want people to misunderstand because you're talking about in a professional environment when your money depends on this Exactly, you know, it's also you have to know if you have the power or not. I'll give you another example I was on harold and kumar 3 right the fucking medic right was one of those white dudes that he could do asian jokes

She'd walk up to me and go. I you go. I got your headache medicine. I go. Where is it? You got what you can't see Because of my eyes, right and I let him do it because I don't have the power Right, but one day he comes up and he goes ching chong. He's like starting making an asian noise John chou is there and jen goes if you ever do that again, you're fired To the guy the guy got shocked and he walked away. See I don't have the power in that situation Right. I'm a day player. I have like five lines But john has the power So let me tell you something when you give me the power. I will unleash it

But I had no instinctually like I don't know who this medic is I don't want to cause any trouble because I don't have any power in this situation You didn't know the power. I should write a book, dude My mom was very firm on that rule Because I was raised in a room with a lot of adults. I was raised in a bar So I couldn't just run up on a conversation and go I want that Like I had to sit there and sit and listen to that conversation and whenever I heard I couldn't fucking really repeat it

Unless my mother repeated it to me later on And if I would raise my voice for years in Spanish, it sounds a lot better My mother would look at me and go kids talk When roosters piss roosters don't piss something really weird. It was some animal. It don't piss So she goes kids talk when this is don't piss And then you know, I was allowed to talk after the conversation not about their conversation I had that big time, you know, you have to know No way you stand. Yes, it's respect. I think respect and it's

There's there's more to it. I forget I'm stoned to the gills. Yes, I could tell you you're fading. It's friday Like it's it's my You're clear and now you're going to fun land I didn't even call them for spots tonight because I know I'm gonna go with the family tonight to some Thing with this thing in christmas carols. I'm gonna watch mercy run around For 40 minutes and drive my congratulations and drive my fucking wife crazy great And then I'm gonna take him home and watch Shark tank. Hopefully it's a season finale. Whatever the fuck is crap. I don't know

Whatever the fuck it is, but no, it's uh It's a very Red gift to know when to talk and want to keep your fucking mouth shut And I've seen on sets with people cons and that's what turned me off I think it was baseball Where it was very weird because it was the south park guys And they were banging with a director. I forget who's the big director zucker The zucker brothers directed

Baseball so that was the first time when I saw it And it was my first movie. It was my first anything. Yeah, so I really didn't know what to expect I remember that's the experience I took from me nervous Oh, Jesus Christ, and I was and I was a physical I was a psychological mess. I was on blow It's so intimidating when you first do A movie like that. It's you don't know what you're scared I remember when I did my first movie was herald and kuma or the first one

I wrote down every single word From my lines a thousand times. So I wouldn't forget it And then I'd show up and then they had video village where all the new line cinema executives or And the director and producers and you're like, I don't even know what I'm gonna do I'm scared Was that harder or easier with uh improv for sketch? You don't even know you please you don't even You don't let you do it. You have to see the line It wasn't that kind of movie where they're like do whatever you want to do

No, not herald and kuma with that mad tv. That was still kind of scary, but movies are scarier. I think Because with television, it's you know, you can try it a bunch of times and with movies you don't know, you know Oh, so you try the sketches multiple times Yeah, you shoot a sketch three or four times. Oh, okay. I didn't know that It's pretty interesting how they shot mad tv before we get to mad tv. I gotta ask you something there's couple different types of films Okay, and

When I got to LA I did baseball, baseball was a mistake audition I was a 20th century fox reading for nypd blue And I bumped into a casting director. She was walking out in the hall. See whose name was on the list And she asked are you here for an audition? Yeah Read this banged it out 55 hundred a week for six weeks. Oh my god One line two lines. Wow. I never did nothing like that

I never did nothing like that. I don't know the fucking zucker brothers, huh? The south park guys. I don't watch tv. I don't fucking drop one All I know is you get there and I see jenny mccarty kicking a bag Yeah, one of those standing dummies She's kicking it outside in the sun. There's 18 people watching her and the sweats dripping down her back I went and banged one out sat there and sweated out in that hot fucking trail until I figured out there was air condition I sat in there like a fucking victim in one of those uh, like adam sandler in the box I didn't even know there was air conditioning. This was my first anything. You just like and the trailer was the size of this

It was the size of this This is how big this is how much money they spent back then. This is 15 years ago. I didn't know nothing only That day, I'm not gonna lie to people. I don't I didn't know nothing. There was no acting class I knew the comedy store 11 45 If I got there before poor mooney if he was running late, I get 11 45 before who was the chick that moved to new york? I look like a man What do you mean by my bacon? No, no She would be hysterical

You don't know nothing elite and all of a sudden they call for you in the trailer and they fight you go Yeah, they're ready for you and you walk down and they go all right. You got stand on your line stand on your mark What fuck what mark are you talking about? Yeah, I don't know and they putting beanbags on my feet and I'm like This isn't like you're getting shot on the jib. Yeah. What the fuck is it? What are you talking about? Okay action. I said my line that line. I must have said 80 times when I walked off that said I go I'm never working That was my movie career down the tube. Yeah, so six months later when I got the call saying hey Uh, we're having a premiere if you'd like to show up And I go am I gonna show up for you people caught me out of the scene like no, you know, we even put you in the trailer

I was like, come on That's how fucked up it was. Yeah, then I remember doing my first tv show for mbc Nothing bobby. I didn't know nothing By that time I'd taken a couple acting classes And then I went I fucking did uh three episodes, but the first day I didn't know nothing He's here Petrified. Yeah fear as you're walking like you're gonna shake your pants like stand the butt at that time I still went back to my roots

I could do this. I went up in front of mitzi shore. I could wipe my ass on this I got this because of mitzi shore Then she started her lingering in those days. She used to linger on monday's too bobby Yeah And she throw a tell-on and shit like that in pablo francisco and Put me behind one of those savages or something and then I go in between dang cook And eddie griffin would show up and do six hours But you know, she was lingering on monday. So that confidence

And then one day I got a call in my house. Hey, man They're looking for you on mad tv What are you talking about mad tv? I'm not a grounding I'm not a fucking grounding on mad tv. He's not gonna sing me Are you fucking crazy? Showing us it didn't boom. I went in read for the check. He said sit here read for some other check Can you shoot tomorrow? Yeah. No, can you rehearse tomorrow when in there? We didn't shoot in front of a live audience. That's what to say. We pretend

If I would have shot in front of a live audience and mad tv, I would have got fired Why do you say that because I know I would have fell apart at the fucking scene. You would have you would have Oh, barbie lia, you fuck not that early barbie not that early. That's being thrown to the wolves That's 18 type shit going out there and hitting in front of a live audience But then you would have seen me do it and you're like, oh, I can do that because I was a fuck up I would have never I go lying and they go it's yes yes I would have failed at the scene that mad tv would have been in front of a live audience when they told me it was tape

Like I got I went home them and didn't do blow Like I knew there was a guy was that in the scene What with you? No, this was Four years before you this was before me. Oh, this was 2000 will sassos in it. Will sassos. Yeah And the chick who I always see she's always in studio city there. Nicole garcy and Nicole Sullivan Nicole Garcia's who cast me. Yeah, Nicole's the best the best. She's the best and there was just a Lee when I walked off the mad tv set That's the first time I really talked shit as a comedian

Because to me, I knew I wasn't gonna be on soundline, but I got mad tv. Okay. What'd you get? Yeah. Yeah. Let me bump somebody tonight. Missy sure Why are you bumping because I did mad tv? Missy sure. Let me get up there and shit And then you get bumped by james stevens the third playing the fucking piano and shit Oh, let me give some shout out to you real quick charlie govella. I love you cocksucker crash Lance armstrong always on point Brandon johnson samson varghese your bad motherfucker dp

Dan pazzini huckleberry mack Joe arvio and steve m zk Are you fucking kidding me? Or what? I didn't know lance. I'm strong was a don't was with the question. He's six days away from fucking christmas. You understand me? Bobby lee can I promote something? Who's gonna? There's nothing to promote. Yeah, I'm gonna say follow me on twitter and instagram bobby lee live You're the man of steel. No bobby lee live. I just gotta do it every time. Okay bobby lee live Hey, listen, I'm here for you. Okay. I love you. I love that you came on you blew my mind

You blew my fucking mind. I can't believe this shit. This is so and now mad tv you get the announcement They're gonna cancel what's running through your head It's over What's over? I thought my career was over And then you know, no, yeah No, dude, it's like bro and when I got off of that show no one called No, they got to let you dry out for a couple weeks. It's like good week No, so it took me like three or four years. I dried out. I did the road and then I came back on fire a little bit and then I now

You know I'm doing random shit, you know, it's just I haven't made it yet I feel it. No, I don't I know but still you know, I know I haven't I didn't see you perform for six or five years You've grown Tremendously on stage. Oh, thanks. You've really really made me laugh. You're You're bobby. You're bobby. Lena. No, I feel good up there, man. You know, no, you took a long time And you're up there every night somebody on mad tv already Would have called the quits. They would have said fuck it. Why keep getting on stage? That's what I and you have

I'll never stop, you know, uh, you were talking about an attitude when you first came on today Like I said, I could tell by people's attitude if they're gonna stay here or not Because you have to be doing a certain thing If you're not doing that certain thing as a stand-up, it's not gonna work out for you I know when somebody's faking the funk and when somebody's working When you see their name in three different spots every night, they're out there banging it out when you're like, Jesus fucking christ This guy ever taking night off, you know, when I when we first got here every fucking night We were somewhere but it's also the only way you can legitimately prove that you're funny

You can do a movie. You know how big the movie is somebody will go Ah, he was all right. Oh, he wasn't funny or whatever, right? But you know, you can't go to a comedy club and have me crush You know and have somebody go even if somebody said I don't think it was funny. Yeah, but you heard the laughs You know, so it's like it's the way I tell myself That I I should stay in it, you know, I don't know how actors do it I have some very close friends dude that were like on sitcoms and shit, then they had to get waiting jobs You know me because they didn't do stand-up, right?

So they're like they have to they they live by job to job For me. Oh, you're not gonna hire me. Hollywood. I'll go on the road And I'll make I'll make just as much money as I do on a tv show. I'll go to a holiday in and hasbroke heights I wish I mean duty, you know, man, I made a mistake. That's my backyard I know I did it. I did it, but you know what's fucked up. What what hasbroke heights? That's where it's just a chance dragging in It's 10 minutes from chance dragging in. Yo, dude. I just did a holiday in there Some of the best chinese food you've ever had in this country was 10 minutes from there. Oh, I'm next time if I go there I'll go there. You know, I don't I like the couple

Do you really? We'll go together to the hometown. We'll do a bar cuban chinese a cuban korean Bombs on your mom fuck columns. Let me do some sponsor. We'll get you the fuck out of here What's up, lisa? How you doing, baby boy? I'm pretty high. You're not going to I have to with those fucking gentiles. Are they mexicans or gentiles? Uh, I think a mix. I don't know. That's our friends Anybody spark the fucking numbers that's right. Yeah, I'm gonna be the only one that's known that it's gonna be law school people looking at me Fucking that's why I said I'm getting you out of this though. You know, this is just gonna take you deeper This is Andy Dolores. She's throwing heat for the holidays. That's a new chef

Speaking of which on it. Well, okay dropping motherfucking knowledge on your people. What are you doing? Oh, no, no, I'll tell you tell me no No, when you were when we were driving home from the lung from the laugh factory and unbelievable was playing And I was higher than like twice as high as this and you were just beeping For like the entire song the entire song. There were people in the seventh time Just all those was beeps. It was a line from here to fucking Kentucky And people trying to cut in line and I'm beeping at them. We're having a great time I guess you had a fucking beat every week. What are you gonna try to cut me off?

What what what and then welcome to the jungle came on and we just like both stopped talking like you're trying the music down I don't know. I just remember that. I was so it was crazy You like getting high with your uncle Joey, don't you do a 90? Yeah, the music isn't that fun, but It's scary sometimes I'm gonna do it. I'm not the fucking string. Anyway on it as usual the best I started my alpha brain fucking cycle on Monday. I'm back. I'm back already. It's gonna take a couple days to acclimate But trust me, some people say it takes about a month. I don't know what the fucking takes, but I feel good You understand me. I'm sharp

We got bobby louis sharp and fucking death on two legs queen 76. Anyway, here's how we're doing it for the holidays Go on it.com right now Start right now planning for the new year. You want to be healthy you want to fucking shoot good loads You we want your mind working on all fucking levels. You don't want Ebola on it's got it for you right now shroom tech sport Tcm oil I mean, listen, don't don't make me go fucking nuts here because They got the gpc alpha brain the t plus formula for the testosterone high as your level the mct oil the coconut oil I mean, it don't get no better than this go to island.com and press in church

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Where this shit started if you think the ufc is fucking good This is way before the ropes and people doing loop-de-loops You'll see the evolution of classic martial arts from the assassins to the thieves to 9-11 19-11 1911 Jackie Chan effect. They just got the Jackie Chan animated series. I was speaking of Dave foley earlier today Please do me this favor. You're gonna love this channel. It's a roku, right correct? Yeah, you're gonna check out what he's got. What do you think league? It's it's amazing and and they're gonna come out with an app for all android tablets

So and I think you're gonna still go to their website and maybe you can watch it on on your computer start right now Go to fucking iron dragon tv.com right now and press in joey Boom and you get two free movies on the cuff see what they got see what the selection You smoke a number put your feet up get some fucking hogging dies vanilla Forget about it was better than you and the cool and the cool thing is like i'm canceling cable at the end of this month That's it. It's over Yeah, and but like these even after your two free rentals and only like two dollars So if you like instead of paying 150 for a bunch of stuff, you don't watch

Pay by pay by what you want to watch what you want to watch. No more. It's two dollars four dollars 50 fucking dollars Techno you're gonna work in your stabbing motherfuckers to pay your cable bill. Forget about it Start with iron dragon tv.com right now. Press in joey. Boom that you have it What do you think you're dealing with some fucking novice and by the way the new year started you having got your dick sucked in a year You know why because you're a filthy fuck from head to toe You got to start from the bottom up get me on these dot com try store the billboard today on melrose billboard now Me on these don't fuck around. They fit great. That's why you used to do jitsu I don't want them with jeans. I like my balls fucking beat a lot fresh. What do you call it when you sit outside of the restaurant?

I love fresco That's how i like my nuts. That's how you like your nuts. Oh, don't you not believe with that little chin chin juice Fucking dripping in the middle of your nutsack. You rub it in you rub it on your fucking Anyway, there's a fuck What do you want chin chin juice on whatever those things the little omelet thing that you put on and you rub the thing inside with the hoisin sauce What the fuck lee you make it what is this chinese food night quiz here Me on these dot com cut this shit. It's a good point

With my main man, bobby lee said they all come in different colors at the ones I have with the Of the jungle sabwa fan. I got black one with a purple lace Fuck all that white shit That the 80s is done. You don't want people looking inside your underwear and shit You got blood in there and lizard juice and god knows what else little lice eggs in there Fuck all that with black nobody sees nothing Just in the case you blow a fart and you get skid marks Listen, go to me on these dot com right now. Check out what they got. They also have a beautiful selection for women

And right now they got free fucking shipping to the united states and Canada bitches But bam bobby lee. Yo, I think Where you going? You still got the leather jacket. You're no harry there. They arrest you. Anyway, here's the fucking deal Go to me on these dot com and press in joey Boom and get free shipping almost 20 percent 20 percent. What are you going, bobby lee? I got no heat They didn't they built this like a 1929. They don't have heat in these buildings. Can you believe that? No heat with a tremendous air condition. Anyway, go to me on these dot com right now and press in joey

Boom and when you get 20 off Yeah, and 20 percent off the start and free shipping. Who's better than me on these right to your house You see something there you want to buy for somebody? You can fill it all out and get the underwear sent right to their house plus valentine's day is coming You want to get your little monkey eating? What the fuck? You know what i'm saying? Get some new underwear Get me on these dot com. They're very sexy. They pulled the sweat out. Everything smells delicious, bobby lee Also, my main motherfucking people Naturebox.com everybody's looking to get healthy for the new year it starts right there

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I wish I had 15 addresses Send fucking nature box to all my different actors. That's right. We'll send a box to the office on the card fill it out tonight Let's make this happen. I love you guys nature box. I love you guys me on these dot com I love you honored. I love you. I am dragon tv my main man. Dave foley I love you too my main agent. You know, I love you at all my house There's the world of me you coming on do it. I want to do anything you want man. You're not together You're the king of swing. I love you. Don't forget new year's eve in the eye his house eight o'clock show Listen, there's some people. They just don't want to hang out and do the countdown

I'm one of those type of people. I want to be home Fucking eating something relaxing petting my cat in the stand. I'm in fort lauderdale Good for you for new years the whole weekend. Yeah, dude go to fort lauderdale the improv day tremendous to casino Yeah, well, oh shit. In fact, you're gonna send lisa. Yeah an edible overnight Is that's you gonna send it for christmas a limo drive up to fort lauderdale and meet bobby lee's father for one I got sons anarchy out here waiting for your fucking And that's it way that you're in and where are you next week? I'm here man. Okay, so you're here till new years That's why I love you. Like I said, I'm at the ice house

I'd like to thank all our sponsors again on it me on these dot com nature box dot com and iron dragon tv dot com All right, uh, we'll be back monday. We don't know what fucking time But we'll be back monday, right and we'll be back wednesday for a special late night christmas eve edition When you're bored and lonely don't come crying. You don't gotta call a hooker. We'll be there for you, right? Stay black Now that the show's over Don't forget to go to nature box comm and sign up to get your free sampled box of great tasting healthy snacks Forget the vending machine and start snacking smarter with delicious treats like barbecue kettle kernels go to nature box comm slash joey That's nature box comm slash joey. Bye bobby

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So this is christmas And what have you done? Another year over And you won't just be gone And so this is christmas I thought you had fun The near and the dear one The old and the young

A very great christmas And a happy new year Let's hope it's a good one Without any fear So this is christmas For we can fall stronger The rich and the poor ones The world is so long

And so happy christmas For black and for white For the yellow and red ones And stuff all the bad A very great christmas And a happy new year Let's hope it's a good one Without any fear

So this is christmas And what have we done? Another year over And you won't just be gone And so happy christmas We hope you had fun The near and the dear one The old and the young

A very great christmas And a happy new year Let's hope it's a good one Without any fear For it's over If you want it For it's over Now

Bye