Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #241 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: December 23, 2014

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. Iron Dragon TV. A New Roku channel with all the best martial arts films. Use Code word joey for two free rentals. HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for a 20% discount Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by using code word joeydiaz. Music:  All About The Benjamins -Puff Daddy I Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet Sin City - AC?DC Recorded on 12/22/2014

This show is brought to you by onit.com. Go to onit.com and use codeword church to get 10% off of all of their great supplements, like Alpha Brain New Mood, Shroom Tech Community, Shroom Tech Sport, codeword church to get 10% off. The show is also brought to you by Iron Dragon TV. What is Iron Dragon TV? Iron Dragon TV is a brand new Roku channel. If you use codeword Joey, you're going to get two free rentals of all of their great martial arts movies. They're adding tons of new movies every day. That's about to 30 a month and in January in the new year, they're going to have 4k technology and they're also going to be able to stream the movies on your Android tablets. Go to naileditlife.com. That's nailed it life.com. All of you oil and wax

smokers out there for the premier vapor pen on the market. You use codeword Joey Diaz. No spaces, Joey Diaz to get 20% off of your order. And the show is also brought to you by your friends at hitesigs.com. That's hit letter esigs.com. Better tasting, longer lasting, the proof is in the vape. They have e-cigarettes and e-cigars for you at different levels of nicotine if you're looking to quit smoking in the new year. Use codeword joey's church to get 20% off of your order. Oh, shit. Fuck Christmas. That's three days away. We're talking about today, cocksuckers. Oh, shit. The church, motherfuckers. All about the Benjamins. A little song for the Jews. The Anahannica right here. What? Drop it, Lee. What you want to do? What? The church? Christmas. Eat

and ask. What? A piece of ham. Fuck it. Go to mashed potatoes in there. Why not? Where's that motherfucking gift? Lisa Yacht, you were dropping on me for the bitch. What? A ring, a gun, a bazooka. Give it to me, Lee. You motherfucking uka. Kick it, Lee. Gonna be a bad motherfucking night tonight. Strap a pair on. Get that bong, motherfuckers. Fat man alerts in the house, motherfuckers. What? For the muts. What's the story, though? What the fuck? You've been hiding all weekend. Last time I saw you, I gave you a brown. You were going to eat with a bunch of uptight fucking people. And that's why you got to load up when you're going to hang out with people like that. It's okay you hang out with people like that from time to time because they make you seem how lucky you are

to hang out with crazy people. Yeah, I was telling Steve, and I don't remember if I've said that on the podcast, but one of my favorite things about podcasting is how cool, like we get to have these cool conversations that no one has in regular life anymore. Like I feel whenever I watch old movies, or TV shows, I always watch because I've basically forgotten what it's like to live without a cell phone or internet. Like I was 10 or 11 or something when that started coming out, but I honestly don't remember. So I always look and see what people used to do, and a lot of it was just hanging out, talking, like doing activities, and that's what, and I went to this thing and they were all very nice, but it was supposed to be a birthday dinner, and maybe I was just high in paranoid, but it seemed

like everyone was very quiet. So like I tried to produce the dinner conversation, but I meet the birthday girl, and she goes, Oh, and they were talking like, Oh, I was in Japan for two years. I was like, Oh, were you there during the earthquake? And she got really sad. And I realized after I asked it that it might not be the best thing to bring up on her birthday. But I was like, and she's like, Yeah, I was like, Um, no, what's the suck? It's fucking crazy. Like I've always, every once in a while, I have a friend and he invites me to something and I get them like, Oh my God, what have I done? They start talking about life. I don't even know this life they're talking about, you know, you try that. And the best thing to do is just shut your mouth,

act civil, giggle, you know, smile. You always bond with somebody. There's always some other nothing there that you and him on. I was the only guy there. Yeah. Oh, no. Yeah. That's even so you got yourself and you got to cut that shit out too. That's something you got to say. It was good, but yeah, it's one guy with five girls. I just know you got to cut that shit out. Yeah, it's just you got to avoid me. I got lost on the way from the train to the restaurant because I was so high, I couldn't really understand what my phone was saying. So I just walking around downtown and then it was scary on the way there. It was like that Star Wars when they go into hyperspeed or whatever and the light and the lines keep going because the train was going really fast.

And then there was this homeless dude who was hammered and he had his shoes off and he was having a conversation with himself and he was crying and laughing and I had my headphones in because I was just trying to like focus on like a podcast or something and he was just hysterically laughing and then he'd go to crying and it was he was just hammered. So it was like I'm fucking high right now. Anytime you go on the train league, there's going to be drama. I love that about Boston. New York's a little bit more. New York, I can never figure out the system because I've only been there a few times and there's express trains and shit like that and there's too many lines. Well, there's an A train and that's all a Broadway type deal. Okay. Then there's the express,

that's from 178th Street. I think it just takes you right down to like if you're going under, don't quote me on this 125th or maybe 72nd Street. I don't know. I don't think I ever went that high. That's like Harlem. That's what I'm saying. Right. That's Harlem up there. But you know, they have like the number one and all that shit, the Queens. I don't know. Don't quote me on this anybody. I don't know the trains anymore. I don't remember that. That was a long time ago, but I always had fun. For me, it was a bus growing up. Oh yeah. For me, I rode a bus. I sit like a school bus or like a city bus, like a city bus, you know, and there was a straight line. It was number one. I went from New York to New Jersey or vice versa. That's how I traveled

in those days, you know, two bucks to get you into the city. You stop your little bottle of blackberry brandy, maybe a fucking eight pack of beer, put it on the bus. Nobody would say nothing to you those days. A 20 minute ride. You drink three beers, couple shots of blackberry brandy, you're in the city, tuned up already. But you know, it's just, it's what you could get away with what you could do. You're not going to get on the train drunk and drink, but you're going to do a little shot to something. You're going to put it in something. Yeah. Doesn't look like the obvious. What was your, what was your go to? Gatorade. Really? Yeah. Vodka and Gatorade. Pupa Vodka. And then when you get a little bit more money, you get the Walsh Schmidt, whatever the

fuck that is, the silver label. That's why I can't drink vodka anymore. Cause a little plastic chug or jugs we had as kids that like that someone would buy or something that were disgusting, tasted like paint thinner. I can't do vodka anymore. Yeah, you got to get yourself out of that fucking one guy. You got to ask her now. Is there going to be men there? No, not really. It's all right. Listen, I'm going to do something with five fucking women talking about what I'm sitting there like a fucking Momo looking around thinking about a gun. I used to have a girlfriend, not a girl. They used to take me to those things. Let's go out with my friends. You get to the six fucking women at the table and you're like,

what the fuck do I do? Yeah. And I'd always get like a call. I don't even know. I'd always get myself out of it. I fucking make something up. I got to go. I got to call my friend in Jersey. Maybe he's going to pick me up. I'd always do something fucking ridiculous. That's always been like my feet is falling into that woman room. I get into that fucking room. What do you think is going to happen? Just I'm going to hear shit. I don't want to fucking hear. You get four or three women together and you sit there for more than eight minutes. You'll want to fucking shoot yourself. I love women. I love, but when you get three or four of them in the room and they start talking about what's important to them and shit, you, you, you will fall off your fucking chair

in a laughter and an aggravate. You want to kick one of them. Like one of them will start, like one of them will just break your fucking back. And you'll like them, whatever. But when you get a couple of them together longer than 20 minutes, you want to shoot yourself. No disrespect to women. I love you, but I'm just telling you how it is, what the world on the street is. I just love the way you put it. They start talking about what's important to them. Yeah. I'm like, what the fuck? They talk about the store, whatever the fuck, you know, and you sit there and go, wow, I'll end up here. What the fuck did I do to deserve this torture? You start thinking about torture. Like what people define as torture. Like, I'll mess up your asshole. I'll sit here

listening to this shit for an hour. What is worse to you? How mess up the asshole or six women at a sushi dinner? I'll tell you what, I didn't know how much what bothers me to know and cotton in my fucking mouth. Like I don't wait to touch a cotton at all, except when it's wiping my asshole. That's it. I don't like cotton. What cotton balls? Cotton or gauze. Yeah. Like, yeah, I did a fucking dentist for gauze in my mouth when he was doing a root canal. That bothered me more than needles, fucking everything. Yeah, I don't like it. It has a weird texture. Yeah, I don't like cotton close to me in my mouth and my fucking head. It drives me fucking nuts. You understand me? I don't know why it just drives me fucking nuts. Did you get high before the root canal?

Sure. I have been there nine in the morning. I got blasted like 7.15 like a motherfucker. That's always my fear. I feel like pain would be super intense on weed. No, well, if this is the problem, if you take the gas, you might go to a weird place. The fuck is what the fuck is that? Son's anarchy is outside. All of a sudden, there's white people shooting fucking black people cops. I can't breathe. What the fuck? I don't fucking know. I don't fucking know. I can't breathe. I don't fucking know. You ordered one of those shirts yet? So you can walk on to show solidarity? No, there's no solidarity. You know, I mean, what do you want me to tell you?

That's fucked up, though. The cops getting killed? No, please. This is a complete, you know, the best is all we're going to put body cameras on. You can show up with the, oh, they had everything but a fucking camera crew on that thing when they chubbed it and they choked like that black guy. They had everything but a fucking camera crew, bro. They drove to the fucking floor. That's murder. That's murder in any other fucking city. Would you invite on murder there? Yes, you fucking would. That's murder. I saw it. You saw it, but they had, they're the fucking power supreme. Now they're going to dig themselves into a fucking hole. Yeah. Now we started. Now they're going to get copycats. And every year we go through a trend.

Three years ago it was the children going fucking bananas at schools and morons blowing themselves up at movie theaters and shit. You know, I'm trying to watch Batman and this guy wants to be fucking Clint Eastwood. All of a fucking sudden I need this shit. Most of them they take a picture of me. It was like Bozo the fucking clown. Obviously somebody sat him down, smacked him, gave him a pill and sent him to the movie theater, loaded to the gills like Rambo said, shoot everybody in there. You're on a mission from Satan. You know, that poor kid is half retarded. You can't tell that poor kid's half retarded. Somebody sat him fucking down, bit slapped him, told Martians we're going to stick a grenade up his ass to go shoot the

fucking movie to that poor kid. You know, you could tell. So somebody else is going to strike now and start shooting fucking cops. Let me ask you something. I have dear friends at the cops. I grew up with a lot of cops. As a criminal, I've never had a beef with a cop. You'll never hear me on on on the podcast or anything. Call a cop a derogatory name. That's why I've always had that attitude. That's why I've never had that problem with police officers. There was one cop in my 51 years on this planet that I had a problem with. And that was the cop that got assigned on the Vella kidnapping. Me and him went back and forth for fucking months. Like you came to your house and told you they were coming for you and stuff? No, no, no, no.

This was a guy that took his job a little bit too fucking seriously. And on the Vella kidnapping, he became, you know, Johnny saint on the scene. He looked at it from a different perspective. He didn't look at it from anybody's perspective. He had a different outlook on it, which I forget what the fuck it was. He had the outlook that you guys were scumbags when you took this guy down. And there was no drugs involved. You were trying to rob him. You know, there were drugs involved. There was no trace of drugs. There was a scale that was cleaned off. And there was like other paraphernalia, but there was no proof of the fucking drugs. So they were saying, no, you guys tried to rob him. And that was his intent from day one, this guy.

But this guy didn't let up on me at all. Even after I went away to prison. And I came back for the community service hearing. He was there and he was waiting against me and all the fucking went. And there was a couple of times we had just verbal exchanges. You know, he was a big guy, but I hate him that much. And he hated me, you know, his hate for me in turn made me fucking hate him because I knew, you know, but besides that, I've never really had a problem with any fucking cop. No, I mean, it's time, but it's, it does suck when people take their jobs too seriously. Like I would in line it for 30 minutes today at UPS. What the fuck happened to you? Think about your words. UPS. What the fuck were you doing at UPS for 30 minutes? Because I had a gift that I had

was going to get delivered. And I wasn't at my house because you can't wait at your house from 8am to 8pm. And I wanted to go pick it up Saturday, but they wouldn't give it to me. So I had to go back today. Why didn't they give it to you Saturday? They said even though I called 800 number, I didn't put a formal request to get the package. So I came back. It's just bureaucracy like a motherfucker. And then they weren't going to give it to me because my ID doesn't have my new address on it. And I, I was so I was this close to like ripping their computers and throwing it on the wall. I was fuming, but it just, it's a, I worked a lot or I looked, I worked three or four retail jobs and restaurant jobs and I worked for five or six years. It's tough. It's tough dealing with the

public. Very tough. But the thing I'll say is I think they're going to run into an issue asking for $15 minimum and hour wage, minimum wage, because I don't think a lot of these people working there deserve 15 an hour. So they're going to lose their jobs because a lot of these people are just, it's, it's beyond the word. At UPS. Every, everywhere. I was at Target today. I was at CVS today. And I don't know if there are the service has gone down horrifically in this country. They judge everything by labor versus workforce. They might, you know, everything is done by a fucking formula. You walk into, listen, I do all my business with CVS. The only reason why I go to CVS is I love the two girls and it isn't their fault. It isn't their fault. They got two girls

working there. One is filling prescriptions. The other one is taking prescriptions and picking them up and giving them to people, breaking down the prescription, drinking with two every four hours. What's that for every two hours? No, two every four hours. Oh my God, I need glasses. Well, we'll talk about late. You know, it's two fucking hours. Right. It's tough and the phone's ringing. Pharmacy line one, pharmacy line two, pharmacy. When I go to CVS now, I prepare for a 25 minute wait. Right. I worked at CVS for two years. I grab in, I get what I got to do. My nasal shit, the fucking viscine for the reefer eye. I get whatever else I need, tape for my wrist, for jiu-jitsu, whatever the fuck I need. I stand on line and I just stay, take the beating. So when

I get there, that's it. And it bothers me because the front counter has the chicklets, the bite size like a motherfucker. I need one package of those to get me straight once a week. And I'm good. You know what I'm saying? There's a gas station on a little canyon by your house. They got them. So the way down the economy store, I pull over and get one package before my sets. It sets me straight. Some people do steroids. Some people do drugs before their sets. I pop those little fucking little chicklets. You love gum. You have like a gum by the liquor store that we go to. The Mexican gum before on a thing. I love that. And then on the way down to San Diego, at the time when you got super high, you put an entire pack of gum in your mouth.

When I'm fucking stoned to the gills and I'm driving, I'm falling asleep. I got a pack of gum going to works the fucking jaw like a hooker giving 10 blowjobs. A hooker ain't gonna fall asleep sucking your dick if she's doing a good job. You know what I'm saying? She's working that fucking jaw. Her whole head's involved. Her eyes are blinking. It's a bad situation. Well, he said, don't look at me like I'm fucked up. Have you ever had a hooker fall asleep on you? No, I'm just saying. What the fuck? I never had a fucking hooker fall asleep on me. No, I had one hooker experience and that was it I bailed on that fucking thing. Hooker experience. So what are you doing Christmas that we were going to try to do a podcast at six o'clock

Christmas Eve, Wednesday, just to fulfill what we do for you people. Let me start thinking about it. I gotta tell you something. We do a podcast at six. That means nine on the east coast. I gotta be honest with you people, you guys are watching this podcast Christmas Eve at nine o'clock on the east coast. You got problems. It's time for you to fucking look deep within you. You know, and I know some people get lonely and some people need a laugh or whatever, but no, I don't want you people doing this. I want you people going out and enjoying touching people. Get the fuck out of the house. Get the fuck off that fucking computer. Go get out. Get some fucking air, you fucks. Smell something. Smell some ass. Go do something.

No sitting in because I'm depressed because my grandfather got hit by a truck on his date. Who gives a fuck? Fuck grandpa. He left you the fucking car. That's all that matters. You're a live and kick and get out there. Breathe. That's all I ask you. So Lee and I decided we'll do it early. So maybe you can watch it the Wednesday at lunchtime. If you're on the east coast, sit, smoke a fucking number, maybe listen to Led Zeppelin three, dig with me and Lee got the same. Maybe we'll get a guest. Maybe we'll have my boy called. I got to you the second part. I watched a part of it. I DVR'd it and I got it at the house. Both times I've DVR'd it. Like last time I DVR'd it was fucking women's volleyball. I almost killed somebody today. But no, it's Christmas

even important to you because for my entire childhood I went to this Italian family's house for Christmas Eve and then now. When you're grown up with your family, your dad, your mom. My dad worked with him and we went every year that a guy dressed up as Santa every year. It was great. Right. And then Italian food and now Paula, her, her mom and her cousin. Christmas Eve is more important than Christmas day. I just don't, I don't know anything about it. So they do presents at Christmas Eve. They do tamales. I don't know. I'm Jewish. It doesn't What do you do when you grow up? So you went over to this guy, these people's house Christmas Eve every year. And then what did you guys do? You go home and stare at each other. There's no

tree at your fucking house because you're Jewish. I'm Jewish. We had Hanukkah. So there's no fucking gifts when you went back to the house. No, they all get, oh my God, they gave us so many gifts. They're like a richer Italian family. We went home with more gifts than we got at Hanukkah sometimes. They loved us. It was great. Shout out if you're on the, on the east coast of the Lombardos. They have a nightclub and stuff, but technically where my bar mitzvah was. But no, it was great. I was always a little bit jealous of Christmas. Like I went, my cousin, his ex-wife is Christian and I went over there once when the kids were really young and the kids fell asleep on the floor under the Christmas tree, like in the middle of opening their presents because they just had like so many

presents that just couldn't handle it. And I was a little bit jealous because I, I, my, my parents were well off when I was growing up. I had a bunch of presents at Hanukkah, but it's still probably two presents a night, maybe three presents a night, which adds up for fucking presents. I don't know. It adds up to be a lot. Jesus Christ. No, but I'm just saying underneath the tree, those fucking Jews, you spoil each other. Fuck you. Well, it's not always like PS4s. It's like a small thing when you're a kid. Socks, a t-shirt, your favorite pajamas. Yeah. G.I. Joe's hat. Yeah. You know, maybe G.I. Joe wants a Hanukkah. He wants a Hanukkah. For the little fuck he was. You know, what, what does it mean? I mean, what does Christmas Eve mean? I don't know. What does

it mean? You're raised that it means that you go somewhere with your family or good friends in case you don't have a family and then you get together and you maybe exchange gifts. You maybe don't, maybe three years of broke. It's a tough time of year, but everybody understands. It's not about the present. It's just that feeling. You know, you're reading, you know, I've had the best Christmases when I've been broke, the best Christmas Eve. Really? And I've had, and I've had good Christmases when I had money, a shitty one because you didn't do nothing with it, you know. How long did it take you to like start celebrating after your mom passed away? Well, I just remember coming from Cuba. I remember, I'm not going to sit here and say,

I'm my first Christmas. I fucked you. I remember a Christmas like after when I was like six or seven. I was maybe six and I still believed in Santa Claus and they took me to the bar, which I never had gone to in those days a lot. I would go maybe once a month in those days. And when I got back, the gifts were under the tree and it was, they were all with me. Anybody who could have done that, it was a fucking trick. So even though my friends told me there was no Santa Claus, I was like, you guys don't know. Maybe you guys are just dumb motherfuckers. It was a Cuban Santa Claus. It was a Cuban Santa Claus that showed up in my house. So that was the only Christmas

I really cherished that I really believed. You still remember it? Yeah. I remember that particular one is on 205 West 88th Street. They moved the dinner table and they put the tree against that wall. And I still remember how that, those lights used to flash against that wall. You know, I still remember how important Christmas was to my mother and it's also the 7th of January. That's one of the three Kings. So on that date, you get cash. So the Cuban Christmas runs basically from the 17th to the 7th. Very ironically, you guys have heard me talk about St. Lazarus. Did I talk about this the other day, that that whole Cuban thing

happened on St. Lazarus' birthday? I was so high, I don't think so. Oh yeah, that whole Cuban thing happened on St. Lazarus' birthday. That's why it's very important. Cubans, I was goofing with John Salamity that day, my buddy. He said that he was calling people. The last week or so and he wasn't getting a response from people for business. And I said, John, you're 45 years old. Tell me that you're not that fucking stupid. Gentiles don't, they give up. After the fucking 15th, white people done. And I don't blame you. You know, black people are broke. They don't give a fuck. You know, it ain't over until it's fucking over. But white people

have a list. You know, Gentiles have a list and they plan it out. They go in the next house and they're gonna give Nick and the kiss under the fucking green tree, whatever the fuck that is. Mistletoe. Mistletoe. Green tree. Whatever the fuck it is. You should probably fuck a little nugget. Yeah, you know, and they just plan all this shit out. You know, so, you know, when you're a savage, you just go by, what are we talking about anyway? About, well, I think you're talking about like Christmases, like the Cuban stuff. So after the 15th, people dead, people are brain dead. You're not gonna answer your phone.

You don't take on new projects. It's like, I need eight days and I'm out of here. I'm just killing eight days. I'm killing files. I'm stapling shit. I'm cleaning my desk. You know, you just, you don't want to do nothing. And so if you're really trying to like, there's people today that are like, Hey, man, I'm still talking to people about a movie. It's dead guy. Business is dead as of last fucking Thursday or something. So for Cubans, it starts the 17th. After the 17th, you can't get a Cuban to focus because the 24th is debt. They start on the 20th and they get a couple pigs and they fucking marinate them. First they keep them alive for like two days and they feed them and they make sure they shit everything out. They fucking feed them and make

sure their insides are out. I don't know how they do it. I remember hearing about this as a child, then they stabbed a little pig, then they open them up, then they fucking stab them more, then they rub moa on them every like hour on the hour for like 22 fucking hours while they're drinking, do them blow and you have shifts. And once the 24th comes, that pig is fucking ready to go. His ears are crispy and shit. They got like two of them. His eyeballs are still in there. Nice. It's got the little red glaze on them. It tastes like a Maratino cherry and shit. That one of those dive bars. Wait, the eyeballs? Sure. Oh my God. Oh yeah. You ate a pig up. And as you bite into the pupil, fucking shoots out like a fucking rapeseed tremendously. Oh, you don't like cotton

in your mouth? No, I don't like cotton in my mouth. I don't mind a chick pissing in my mouth either, but that's a complete different party. So, uh, fucking, what are we talking about? I'm stoned. Chris Smith and me too. I just did that with you. Anthony Dolores is getting dead, dead. If you live close to the Anthony Dolores store, she sent me a box and I got to taste them. I've been stoned for the last three weeks and that's just like regular stoned. Like deep, deep fucking stoned. I knew today was going to be bad because you call me like three or four times and each time your voice got a little quieter. The last time was, believe, we're going to fuck up tonight. Fuck them. I just ate two 30. Oh my God. I was looking to get stoned.

I had to run some errands this afternoon. I knew there was going to be a pain in the fucking ass. I had to go sit and catch ear beatings with my two fucking people. So I knew I just had, and I couldn't be stoned for them. I couldn't. I had to give them the respect. I love that. That's an errand to go catching ear beating. Oh, to drive, to know that you got to catch an ear. First I lost my parking spot. I'm already pissed off. You understand me? I'm not bothering nobody. If I do kettlebells, all I gotta do is pull them out of the trunk. I'm right there. I got to walk to my house. Why don't you just put the kettlebells in the road? No one to steal kettlebells. In your spot. I can't do that. You put, you stab people's tires. What's

the difference? I can't put kettlebells on. People run them over. They'll ruin their insides and shit. And they'll ask, who's kettlebells on? Did I lose the kettlebells? I like my kettlebells. We'll leave the kettlebells alone. All right. I'm sorry. We bought them the fucking kettlebells. So, you know, you have that Christmas Eve, which is family. After Christmas Day, you sit around and watch football and eat the leftovers. And that's it. It's considered a holiday. Between you and I, do I give a fuck? Do I? I don't give a fuck. It's just a day off that you're wasting my time. I could be getting some geese. All about the bendermans. This is every Jews that I'm pissed because these fucking Gentiles are sitting around eating. They could be flipping

a fucking buck, but they don't say nothing. They go to Long Island. They do what the fuck they need to do. They take any mold along. What the fuck they do? But that's what it means. Is it important? Well, I think about my darkest time when I spent Christmas Eve on a friend's and Christmas Day at a fucking bar watching football, making believe I was having a good time. Was I miserable? Inside, I was broken inside, you know? I mean, but you bear with them. I've sat here before on the show and the best Christmas I had was 87 when I was locked up. I thought it was going to be bad. And it turned out to be fantastic. A bunch of guys giggling, laughing.

You know, were we smoking dope and drinking? No, we knew what we stood. We were just happy to be doing that because when you go to prison, they tell you they're not going to do nothing. Yeah. Everybody else is eating fucking shit in their room. Here we were in a room with fucking shrimp and meatloaf and fucking guacamole and tamales and fucking burrito, you know? There's too many flags in that kitchen, though. Yeah. It's fucking tremendously. It was just too much. I remember going back to my little bunker into my room and going, what the fuck was that? Yeah. So when you expect a bad Christmas, if you put a little effort into it, it might become a good fucking Christmas. I've had Christmases and I didn't have a dollar in my fucking pocket.

I had gel from my hair and, you know, I went to somebody's house and played it off and all of a sudden they're like, hey man, we got an extra wallet for you for Christmas and it just warms your heart and it gives you a new outlook. So don't stay in the fucking house on Christmas Day. That's my whole thing. Christmas could be, Christmas is what you make of it. If you stay in, you're going to be bummed out about Christmas. Yeah. Even people tell you they hate Christmas and don't call the house when they stay alone and watch movies. You're sitting there like a fucking moron, you know? Yeah. It's about people. It's about going out in England and saying hello and you know what? It's that one time at a fucking year. Do it for that. Who gives a fuck about a

fourth of July? People blowing firecrackers and shooting guns. Nobody's shooting guns Christmas fucking Eve, you know? I should have done that. I'm terrible at going out. Not Christmas, but two of my saddest new years. I'm pretty sure I was in Boston. Maybe one was out here. I know definitely one was in Boston and I had nothing to do. Like no friends asked me to hang out or something and I was watching the three Stooges marathon on AMC just laying on my couch on my side. Christmas or New Year's? New Year's. New Year's is completely different than Christmas. But it's like the same thing you have to go out. Two different stuff on all days. Two different huh? You don't have to, Christmas is a time where you go to people's homes and you fucking relax and

you know it's a different people cook. New Year's you could, I've had people who turn New Year's into I'll turn New Year's into that. But there's people who want to go out in New Year's and the people who go out in New Year's usually don't go out the rest of the year. Right. People plan to go to Vegas on New Year's. You know, they don't go to Vegas all the time. No. If they went to Vegas all the time they knew they wouldn't go to Vegas on New Year's. Do you follow them? It's kind of weird. So certain people go out in New Year's Eve. I'm getting older, but I gave up on New Year's Eve when I was 20. After I was 20, New Year's Eve, I seen it for what it was. I'd done them at the bar and now I was doing them ever since I was left alone. I was doing them every year because what else

do you do on New Year's? Did I have a good time on New Year's? I had a good time on New Year's for a few years. But then I saw some shit go down that could only happen on New Year's. And I thought I had a different respect for New Year's. So there was, Lee, if you want me to lie to you, there were many a fucking New Year's I stayed in. Many a New Year's. Maybe it was more, maybe it was just me then being. If you're 20, should you be in a New Year's? Fuck no, you know? Yeah. Fuck no. You should be out getting your dick sucked somewhere behind a fucking El Torrito. You know, fuck I had the rap party tonight. What, for the movie? Yeah, El Torrito. I didn't go. Fuck. I'm here. I don't give a fuck. Want to go? No, this is my job. What are you going to do?

El Torrito? So you can shit blood? You're going El Torrito to the happy hour? You eat that shit? Not happy. I've been there once. It's nuts how I, my frat, I had a dear friend who worked at El Torrito in 1983. And we used to talk and they go, what's El Torrito? I used to go, what's a margarita bar? Wait till you come out of here. I'll get you a job. I made 300 a night. Women are sucking my dick at the bar and shit. I was like, I can't wait to go out to El Torrito, you know? And I got out here in 97. I asked somebody about El Torrito and they're like, it's a fucking dive from Redondo Beach. Nobody even got, you know, that's how much the times have changed. Like so many Mexican restaurants in 83, 84 El Torritos and Redondo Beach was huge. People would hang out there and

pick chicks up there and do blow there, you know? Yeah. But the interesting thing about El Torrito was El Torrito was very good to me in my comedy career early on. So I shouldn't be fucking with them. You worked at El Torrito? No, I did comedy at El Torrito. El Torrito used to have a comedy night in Denver on Thursday nights. And if you went there, they gave you 25 hours worth of food and a coupon for 25 hours for the following week. Oh. So I used to stack up on the coupons and go every week, do 10 minutes to manage a love me. So sometimes you give me two coupons. Even if I had 10 bucks, I could put five hours worth of gas in the car. I had five hours for a tip. And I just go there and use the coupon and El Torrito. It's a 45 minute fucking drive with no traffic.

But it's free food. It's free food. When you're in open mic, you got to do what you got to fucking do if you want to believe in yourself. So I'm sorry. Shout out to El Torrito. They're nice people. Do you see McDonald's is taking the Big Mac away? Are they? That's what I saw on Twitter today. Were you depressed? Were you dizzy? No, Big Mac was never my thing. All right then. What do you give a fuck? I don't know. Less people are gonna get cancer. Less people are gonna wake up in the morning dizzy with fucking hypertension and shit like that. Who knows? I haven't had a Big Mac since probably in mid-70s when I used to go to Miami. Yeah? Wasn't your thing either? No, I just didn't know what. I had them when I used to go to Miami.

My mother wasn't to allow me to eat fast food. So when I go to Miami with my cousins, they be big. In the 70s, we think McDonald's was about, we think you went to McDonald's and had chicken fingers. There's no fucking chicken fingers. They came later. As a kid, you went to McDonald's with the cheeseburger, the double cheeseburger and the Big Mac and the quarter pounder with cheese and the quarter pounder. That's it. There was no fucking McRib or McFucking nothing. There was who gots. There was French fries. I don't even think they had onion rings, dog. Wait, they don't have onion rings now? Oh, they don't have. I hate that I know that. So my burgers are fucking. I don't know when, but I ain't gonna lie to you. I love my little

quarter pounder with cheese once a year. And there's nights I know I'm going by McDonald's to do comedy and I'm gonna stop by McDonald's and I get a quarter pounder with cheese. I live a block around the block from the Taco Bell. Yeah, that's old. Five fucking years. Every night, I go to Taco Bell and get myself three fucking tacos like a soldier. I don't have the heart to go in there. I feel so fucking guilty. If I got sick, I had to come and why would you go to Taco Bell? You're not gonna get cancer. You know, you're not gonna get fucking sick. So that's my answer to your dilemma. This year, you have something to do Christmas Eve and I'm very proud of you. Yeah. I'm happy for you. Thank you. You're gonna go over to your in-laws there. They're

who's going over the three brugs in you? Yeah. The father coming? No, the divorce. How about the brother? He's coming Christmas day. What about which is going to be hysterical? What about the uncle? Tio's not coming. Tio's somewhere in Englewood. Tio's not coming. Living in the dream. Living in the dream. Sleep on the floor somewhere. Why is the brother going to be a trip on Wednesday? Because the mom because the brother and his his wife are like going through like separation or something like that. But the mom and his wife, ex-wife, do not get along. So they were already, the cousin and my, and Paula were already teased on the mom like, what are you gonna get her for Christmas? And the mom would just be in the kitchen

just shaking her head like, wondering stuff in Spanish. Because she was, apparently she was like, I've never met her yet. So that's gonna be interesting. So they like this new place? Yeah, that's great. They're happy to be out of fucking. It's, I was, I was very scared for them in Englewood. And I was scared for me. Fuck. I'm a, there's no one who looks like me living in Englewood. So I'm glad. How's this new neighborhood? Great. She loves it. They still heard gunshot from trying to determine. No, no gunshots. Fucking helicopter's a nice flash and lights in your window. But they do, I never realized how like, you have a kind of a joke about it with the, the Jamba Juice, but like Mexicans create, create amazing jobs. There's these guys who

go and rented trucks and have like a Ralph's in the back of their truck, like produce and veggies and stuff. And then the, like, I just find out like those hot dogs stand people, they don't have like licenses. They get arrested for that all the time. And I saw like a hot dog woman in the, in the Target parking lot in North Hollywood. Then what? Making Mexican hot dogs with the bacon around it. And selling like a motherfucker to pop the kids over by that target is they got the best fucking food. They got the truck that sells burritos and shit. I'm never eating there, but I always see a line there. They got the food lady who I talked about in that joke, who really does victory in

violent. Yeah. That's it. That lady's been there since I moved here. Coconut juice, the fruit mix, the fruit in the bag. She'll fucking cook it up, be a dog. Old school. Then they have the Zumba at the park. They do? Oh my God. You go there at night. They got a fucking little leaf field filled with fat Mexican Zumba and some big Mexicans in the middle of the cowboy hat on. They're going, it's fucking hilarious. 50 is like the minimum. I've seen 60 there. I've seen armies of people. It's looked like a football practice. Just, I don't even know what Zumba is. Zumba's the exercise and dancing. Why not? I just don't know. It's like, they go there. So there's the little village there. They got the hamburger place. They got your spots there. They got the chicken place there.

Popeyes is there. Fucking lie. You like making believe you. They didn't have Popeyes in Boston. Stop. They just got one near from my park. But I was like, how many times you've been to Popeyes? I think once or twice. That's it. I thought the fried chicken was never, I like KFC not. You're a fucking burger. I'm a burger. I'll tell you what you eat that drives me fucking nuts. Rice cakes? No. The other day, I went over to this place to Jersey Mike's with my wife and the baby. They give my wife the turkey with the avocado for the baby. I get the tub in the sub. I get the salad with tuna. Let go half the tuna. It's delicious. I mix it up with a little vinegar and oil with some oregano. It's fucking delicious. That sounds good. Yeah, with extra onion. I like

oregano. Tuna with a lot of fucking onion, a little oregano, a little black pepper, blah, blah, blah, boom, bitches. So what do I eat? Salmon and Harvey fucking homo gets in front of me online, right? Not me. Not you. Some other fucking Harvey homo. And he's like, let me get a something club. Turkey club? A turkey something club, which I'm getting irritated about, right? Why? Just turkey and bacon. People don't eat that shit in Jersey. They don't eat, they don't put bacon on their food. In Jersey, people cook with enough season. We don't eat bacon on the fucking sandwiches. I don't want bacon on fucking sandwiches. Why? It was irritating me What about BLT? Is that okay? BLT is not bad, but it's gotta be Jersey style. No, there's no

fucking turkey. That's why it's called the BLT, bitch. There's no fucking turkey club with chicken club with fucking bacon on top. That defeats the fucking purpose. That's pork meeting fucking chicken. I know, it's great. It's disgusting. Oh, it's so good. Fucking disgusting. So now you get the goddamn, what was I talking about? He gets the turkey club in front of you? The turkey club in front of me in Lagos, you want avocado and he goes extra avocado. Oh fuck yeah. I was gonna choke that motherfucker right there. That sounds delicious. Oh, it's disgusting because you're at Jersey mice. Go to Subway and get that shit. And then wait till I see the owners of Jersey Mike. I'm gonna make them get that fucking thing, the twins. They weren't there that day. They're not doing

fucking benefits with kids or whatever the fuck they do. I didn't know you hated bacon on things. Listen, I'm all in for three slices of bacon every morning. I'm one of the only motherfuckers I know that used to eat a whole package of Oscar Maya that didn't cut from the middle type bacon and shit. Don't ever, every once in a while you got a bad package. You got some hog meat in there. You do. You ever get some hog meat in the fucking bacon? Don't dope that to you once a year. You'll bring it home. It smells different. Because they throw a hog in there just to fuck with you once a year because you know, sometimes it's an investment. Sometimes you get a good pig. Sometimes you get an old fucking pig. You don't

know what the fuck you're eating with that Oscar Maya. We think Oscars on the fucking farm every day and pick them smiling for the cameras. It's Oscar Maya. It's Maya to you. Yeah. That motherfucking Jewish somewhere in Australia count millions and shit. They send them pictures every day of fucking dead pigs. That's how he gets off and shit. Why are you gonna get me started on poor fucking Jewish people in Australia? When did Jews come into it? I don't know. I don't know. This is what happens when you're the fucking metal. But no, New Year's. I don't give a fuck. No, I'm talking about bacon. New Year's. I don't give a fuck. What do you do on New Year's, Lisa? No, we have a podcast. Christmas. You got the Christmas gonna be nice. You're gonna go over

to them. Now you were the last Christmas. What did you do? Are you were in? No. You were in Boston jumping up and down. No, I was there. Lee, come home. The snows come. No, it's not. There's no snows. Oh my God. There's a foot. I made it back. Oh my God. I'm gonna get back at 10 o'clock. God suck you. Look, I didn't stab you, you shit. And you see there's a snowstorm coming again, Doug. Always. That's why she came here this year. You're doomed. Did you see the Boston's gonna kill tomorrow? Tomorrow Wednesday they're gonna fucking have. Fuck them. Stay home. Build the fire. Enjoy your kids. You're gonna get on a fucking plane and go, but I hate that shit. It drives me because every year you're gonna get stuck. Yeah. And it's like, you know,

you're gonna get stuck. They're gonna steal your luggage this time of the year. They're crazy. Yeah. It's fucking really horrible to the consumer. I really think so, man. I was just thinking about that today. Like, why don't airlines get in trouble for losing luggage? Like, you're paying $25. It's not like it's built into the price anymore. I think they give you $250. Isn't that true? I don't know. If you lose it. Yeah. Oh, that's what you have a thousand miles with the clothes and mink jacket. Oh, they totally lose it. Yeah, probably they'll pay you. It'll be $250 for your luggage. Jesus. Man, you got a pound of blow in there. $350. How many smacks? How many dicks? You gotta suck at $250. You have any fucking idea?

I'm just saying. I don't give a fuck. It's only way back to New Year's. I thought we were on bacon. New Year's, we're gonna do combination podcast, stand-up extravaganza, tuxedo. We have a special guest. I can't get away her name, but anyway, she's gonna tickle. You're not bringing your girlfriend to the New Year's show. I hope not. For your sake, I don't want her seeing. Yeah, you have to tell her this and stay at home. Watch Talamundo. I'll swing by around 11 o'clock with some fucking donuts. We'll go back to my house and suck a la mink. You know what I'm saying? Little fucking bad juice for young New Year's. Right or wrong? That'd be nice. What are you gonna do in New Year's? You're not gonna

suck out on your wife and watch her. We don't know yet. You're gonna roll around and get with a little suck a la mink, right? That'd be nice. Sure, it's fucking nice. When she comes over to sleep, is there any night you don't give her a stab? No. Sometimes. Get the fuck out of here, dirty little fucking Jew. No, well, it's not because of my choice. It's because she's too tired. She's too tired. Sometimes. Then you wait till that bitch fat passes out, Jack. And you just rub that little hummin' on her little leg and shit. You give her like the wash with the dick. He gets so pale. You give her a hot dick a day. You give her some wash with dick and salt. I think I have to quit now. Fuck it. It's hard to give her that wash with the dick.

Jesus. I hope your mother's listening to this. I hope she's more. She'll make me come home. I might cut this and send it to an email and watch her just steam and shit. Lee, what are you talking about? Wash with the dick and shit. That's it. I never said it. That shit lose shirt. People wouldn't wear the flying Jew one and now they're gonna wear one since I'm sweet, sweet, aw, sweet dick. Sure they would. Ask me about my sweet, aw, sweet dick. Fuck yeah. It's 2015 people open my dick. That's a great button. Maybe I'll make that as a button. Like the Walmart readers. I gotta call Ari and tell her. Do it. Ari, I love it. You can call it right now. No, please. I'm too fucking high to dial it. I don't even know what an Ari's number

is. It's programmed in there, I think. I'm gonna fucking some code. His name in your context? His name is the code. Don't fuck that. Yeah, me too. Oh, this is only the beginning for you. I gave you the extra strength. I know you did. Nah, I gave you 30 microps. 40. No, because I ate half of it. Yeah, so that means half of 80 is 40. Fuck, you're 40. I had this on today. This morning, I had the baby and I put this on the morning by 8.30. It took me back for a few minutes. I was like, holy fuck. I still remember the smell of the bar. But like, why today do you think? Because we've heard this song however many months we've done. Yeah, but it was different

in the house or something. I used to keep it up. I used to always play it on Mondays at the house. And this morning, I was cleaning and shit. I was getting rid of some books in the box to take over the Goodwill. And I had this on and I stopped. I could smell the bar. I could see the darkness when she'd play this because it was as soon as you walked in. What does the bar look like? You've never described it. We went. Well, we went to the outside. We went to the outside. So it was a thing that said, pizzeria, you stepped up. When you opened that door in those days, you had to close the door and go behind it and there was an alarm box. Okay. And you had to either press a number,

I forget, or it was a key. It was a key. You had to open it and then there was a key. Then you had like a minute and a half to do that. And then she'd open the door for me. She turned on the pinball machine. She turned on the fucking bar. The lights. No, she turned on the pinball machine. Then she turned on the jukebox. And then she walked to the back where the lights were. She checked the two doors. She'd come around. She'd pick up the thing to walk behind the bar. She'd put all the fucking lights on, the fans, the air, whatever the fucking heat, the air, whatever it was needed. And then she'd pop. We'd pop. We'd turn the lights on.

I'd go and start fucking stocking the ice machine, the beer, the ice on the beer. What was the bar? It was wood. It was wood. Old fashioned. The stools were high. Yeah. Were there any tables? I mean, the fucking place was huge, especially the bar area. There was a lot of room to move around. There was a lot of standing room around the jukebox. There wasn't a pinball machine. Was it a pinball machine? Yeah. It's like bowling. Yeah. And the pins go up and shit like that. It's one of those things. And what about like tables or? No, no tables. Just a bar that went, turned into an L. Then L over the L. There was an L and there was a TV over the L.

And there was a TV over the register and there was a TV on this site and always, always sports. Baseball, boxing, you know, football, but that's it. No basketball. Sometimes the news. A lot of life. One certain bar time that was there, the news. So we'd walk in, do that, turn the lights on and right off the bat. When I was hitting the ice, she go to the jukebox and that's the first song she played and watched this was playing. She played again and then she played the other song she had in the rotation. And like I said, I'm beating the beast on those quarters. She'd put red lipstick on those. So when the quarter guy came to empty the machines, he'd give it back those quarters. So it was really weird for you. I never heard that. So

the ones that she used for this song, the Tony bad song, for any of the songs in the jukebox, her quarters had a red lipstick on them. So when the guy came to empty the quarters, he'd give it back the ones with the red lipstick on them. He gave a percentage of the other ones. Those were hers. Because she liked to play music. So every time now for years, when I'd see a quarter and there was red lipstick on it, my mother had that quarter in the jukebox. And somebody took a picture of one of those quarters and sent it to me. I think they asked me, yeah, they sent it to me through a mailbox. It's somewhere in the house. That's awesome. There's still quarters out there with the red lipstick. They got to be before 1978 for them to be hers. You follow me? Yeah. So it's

an old fucking quarter. So that that was the scam with the jukebox back then and the pinball machine and the pool table. Okay. So there's a pool table. We had a pool table in the back. Oh, cool. From 50 something to 70. They probably had a restaurant back there. But now when it was a bar. They had a stage and bands used to perform. And whenever like a big time Latin band was in Manhattan, at the end of their set at night, they'd come over to Jersey and play there at one in the morning till two and they'd get some blow when everybody was singing dancing. So that's the reputation of bar had. Once you remove the kitchen and she the stages in full effect, then she put a bar to pool table back there. So I got good at pool for a while.

Pool was the first thing that I had to detach myself from mentally and physically. It was one of my first sporting addictions. So much that I would break pool sticks and throw bottles and core scenes. And my mother hated my behavior. So she got rid of the pool table. That was one of the first things I ever got really fucking hooked on that drove me fucking crazy. Like if you beat me a pool, oh my God. And I was probably nine, 10, you know, 11. That was one. So I don't really fuck with pool no more. When we go on the road, sometimes we're gonna go, you guys want to go to a pool? Oh, I always avoid it. Because it was like a bad thing for me growing up. I used to fucking infuriate. Because it's like sports and gambling. When I go to Miami, there's a kid named

Martin Perez, that his dad was Batista's driver. And he comes to all my shows. The reason why I met Martin Perez was through a kid, Julie. Julie's dead now. Julie got died from smoking crack and got really sick. We had all grown up together. Julie was younger than I was. When we were kids, one day we were at this bar called Cafe with India on 57th and Hudson. It was the summertime, so we both didn't have school. We're both probably about 10 or 11. And there was a lot of adults in the bar. And my mom was at the bar, my stepdad was at the bar, one of the dear friends Machito was at the bar, who was Julie's dad. And me and Julie got into playing pool. And we got into an argument. And I got so hot, I said things to him. Until this day, I'm really embarrassed about it. Like,

if I would have ever seen him now, I would say, Hey, man, Julie, I love you grew up together. One of the time we burnt the tree down by Martin Perez's house and the people came and remember the time we shot pool. I'm really sorry for the things you say. 50 years later, I remember what I said to him. But I remember as we were shooting, I was like fucking trying to, I was furious because he was killing me. He was really good at pool. I think I beat him at the end. And then we didn't talk for a while as kids. And we became good friends again. And it was all because of pool. I didn't know that. That's cool. See, we all find that new fucking adventures here. We think every show I'm gonna hit you with, I gotta hit you with something different. So you know, a little bit

more. As I was leaving today, I was looking at Mercy. Yeah, 20 after seven. Terry was watching Frozen on TV with Mercy and Mercy was giggling. And I was thinking that this is the first time my life I've had. He fear. Like I have fear, like I have fear that, you know, it's just our last Christmas. You know, my dad only was around for three years with me. You know, in the back of my mind, I'm like, I'm so happy if I make it to four years. But what am I saying? I want to be there till she's fucking 20, till she's 30, you know, I don't want to fucking die when she's fucking 10, you know. But it's amazing. I didn't have that fear when I was younger. I was gonna die. And now I have it. I didn't have the fear of not having comedy work. When I was a kid, when I had Jackie,

I didn't give a fuck. The last Christmas I had was Jackie was one of the, if I write a book, this has to go in there because it was one of the toughest things ever to be a man for me. It was to eat shit. But I didn't get away with it. And I've said this story before when I robbed a Christmas tree place on Christmas, but it wasn't even that. It was the three days that led up to that. The week that led up to that. I was working at a sports betting place. I was making great money. But I was so behind on my attorney bills. Guys, I was given this attorney. I mean, I don't know how many fucking checks. Like every time I got paid on a Wednesday, I gave him half my money. There were some weeks that if I got like 2000 bucks, I had to give him

1500. And I live off 250 a week for two weeks. And you people at home going, Jesus Christ, I didn't cook in those days. I didn't do shit. I worked for a sports betting service. And yes, I made good money. At that time, it all went to these people and child support and back child support and clothes and more. It was just overwhelming. Like, and I, and the only way I could see my daughter was to pay these bills. That's the only that's how I was getting blackmail, you know. So Christmas was like on Friday and I had to give them money. And it's Christmas. It's their money. I had to give them, you know, so by the time I paid everybody, I was left with like, you know, 300 fucking bucks or something. And I was embarrassed as fuck. And I had to start stealing

me. And I lived in Boulder. And I would go to Toys R Us. And I would walk into Toys R Us and I would take like a helicopter, a lot of traveling helicopter. And I would bring it right up to the counter like a fake return. And I'd say I bought this for my son, but I lost a receipt and they gave me 300 Jeffrey bucks. And I go to work after that. And I'd start fucking buying shit that Jackie needed. And then the next day I'd do it again. And then from there I go to May DNF and then from there I go to an electronic store. I'll never forget what that basement looked like. And I didn't have a tree. I had, I was picking her up Christmas day at two o'clock Lee. And I did not have a tree. I had a car that was a rental. No, I had a car that belonged to my friends at the deli zone

that smelled like a deli. That the headlights didn't work and the left door didn't close. I couldn't see it. My wife couldn't see that car. So I woke up Christmas day. Now, meanwhile the house is packed with toys. Packed. Packed, Lee. There's a Sony Trinitron. There's a bench where I lifted and used as a dinner table. And there's this old beautiful fucking couch that must've weighed 10,000 pounds. It was beautiful, like an old hippie couch, comfortable as shit. But it was made of hardwood and it was like a soft leather, like a purple soft leather. It was tremendous. But that was my living room, Lee. And I didn't know what to do with these gifts. I had maybe $13. I had blown all my money on blow. And it's Christmas morning. It's 9 a.m. and I'm

hungover. I got in this fucking silver con when I got outside. Guess what, Lee? A foot of snow came down the night before. I had already shoplifted for three days, but I had to decorate this house with no money and there's nothing open. And I went and I found somewhere I don't know where that I bought decorations with, like Merry Christmas things and, you know, shit. You put on the bottom of the tree and then I had no money left. And I went to Kmart and there was a tree thing there and I fucking broke in. I didn't have to break it. I said, if you take a tree, put the money in the slit. And I looked in the slit and people had put cash in there, like $107. I took the cash and I took the most expensive fucking tree and I tied it to the top of the car and I

fucking left. And I wrote an IOU and put it in there. Can you believe how fucking crazy I was? And I went home and I fixed this place. The tree, you know, how are you supposed to have to stand for the tree? Then you stick the nails and I didn't have one of those. So I just took the tree decorated and laid it against the wall. That's how fucking poor and how fucked up I was. I didn't have staples for the Merry Christmas decorations. So I had to pull them all up with fucking duct tape. You know what, Lee? But it was fucking Christmas to me and I made Christmas with that little girl. The last Christmas me and Jackie had together, that was our Christmas. Everything in that fucking room was stolen. Everything in that room was stolen. Am I proud

of it? Fuck no, I'm not fucking proud of it. But if you listen to the church I made her day. Does she know these fucking stories? No, I gotta call her up and tell these fucking stories. That's the next chapter in the fucking book. I don't ever know what I'm gonna do that. But can you believe this, Lee? Like I just left the house and my wife already has a tree and there's gifts under there and the baby has an idea of the fuck saying that she really doesn't give a fuck about them. She knows she's a fat fuck with a white beard with a fucking suit on. She ran from the boys. She kept looking at them at the mall all strange. We took her up there to take a picture with Santa. She's like, I don't think so. This just ain't for me. She just turned

around and walked away. We made an excuse. The power was down over there at the fucking Sherman Oaks Gallery or whatever. But she just didn't want to do it. No, I don't really believe this fucking guy. Terry was trying to anger on, come on, Mercer, we gotta do this. It's four days from Christmas. I don't think so. Fucking motherfuckers. How close are you to like having no control over your life? Like I feel like she's like six months away from being like a full person. She's a full person. I had her this morning. She's a full fucking person. What happened? It was just a dynamite morning, man. I had some stuff. I had to move around by my wife. I didn't know what date it was. She already had plans. So I had to cancel my 11 o'clock. I had to cancel

12 o'clock. I just took mercy. I took her to the park. I took her to two parks. There was no water, so she couldn't jump around in mud. She played with some fucking dog. I was talking to the Yona and the kids. You know, she ran around. I took her to 7-11. I got her some extra milk. And I took her to the other fucking park where they got swings. And I found a green tennis ball. And I took her to the tennis court. And I locked the fence. And I let her go crazy in the tennis court with a fucking ball. And she would throw it over the net and run around. And every time she ran around, I'd go, that's another 10 minutes of fucking sleepy time right there. She must have ran around at 80 fucking times. She was sweating. Her face was dirty. Her pants were all wet and shit.

And is she walking with you like all night? No, she's in her little back car. Oh, the little car thing. And I pull her. And I just pull her. So it's a fucking workout for me and a workout for everybody who loses. But it's a good time. That sounds like fun. Yeah, it's good for me. I get to think. I get to watch her. It's like going fishing. I give her her distance. These are places where I don't have to be on top of her. It's not the street. It's not a park where there's other kids. I take it to the wide open. So like there was one situation there. I was probably 30 yards from her. There was no dogs or anything. I just wanted to get to play by herself and let her know that, you know, sometimes when you're being a kid, sometimes you get a good time by yourself.

That's how you fucking learn. You learn what you're about, what you're thinking. And I'll watch her getting involved, then she'll turn around and notice me and smile and go back to her. Like it's like me interrupting you when you're reading a good book. You know, it's like me interrupting somebody when they're reading a good fucking book. You know, that's what it looks like when she catches herself looking at dirt and she's rubbing the dirt because it's different from the other dirt because it's got water on it or some squirrel took a shit on it. You know, it's really interesting to see. That's it. Yeah. No, but it's just like when I'm out, it's just like I haven't been with a kid growing up when I was old enough to realize what was happening.

And every time I see her, she's doing something new. And it's like, it's just you have to have less and less. Like when she was first born, you never put it down. And now you can like give her more space. It's pretty fucking interesting. Yeah. And you turn your back on it, you know, you know, and like if she's towards the fence at the park, I'm cool. I look around, there's no dogs, people running, whatever. I could deal with them. Towards the street, I got to be on top of five yards, even three yards. I got to be on top of the whole time because she dashes, brother. She can't wait to get off that fucking sidewalk. So I steer away from that, which is tough. You know, they don't know why you're telling them that too. They're a fucking baby. They don't know why

they can't go out there with the cars. The cars are doing 90. I went around there with them. They don't know the car fucking sent them to Jupiter. They don't know these little kids. My daughter don't fucking know. Yeah. It's a car. Yeah. It's a fucking car, but it's doing 90, Mercy. Yeah. I think it's a museum. They're just sitting there and you're like, it's a car. It's a fucking car. All right. Go on the weeds. Do something. Go over there in the fucking grass and roll around. Chase the squirrels. When they chase her back, she runs with this look on her face. Look at that. Come and get me. Like a fucking Japanese guy in a Godzilla movie. It's a fucking squirrel. It's a fucking squirrel, Mercy, but she runs up to them with no peanuts. You know,

and they come up to her real close. A lot of people go to that park and feed them fucking passing any peppertone at the park. Him and his family, his bunch of people get together and feed the fucking squirrels. So now when you walk that park, the squirrels come out looking for something to eat. You got nothing to eat. They look you. They come up to you and they kind of intimidate you. Like three of them. They fucking shake you down. Like what the fuck is the bread? And remember, she's a young girl. She don't fucking know. She just looks at them and they run away. You know, I don't even know what the fuck I'm saying. Why? Why did you make me eat that brownie, though? I was all right. I was reading the Bible at home with the temporines. You know,

me. Fuck the bottom of the fuck. What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? Merry Christmas to you, bitches. I hope your Christmas is tremendous. You deserve it. What are you laughing about, you? Merry Christmas to you, bitches. That's right. Let me give some shout-outs. Aaron Lopez, thank you very much for the frame and the pictures. You're a great photographer, and I'm hanging the frame in Mercy's room. So thank you very fucking much. You're a bad motherfucker. Bob and Becky Lillings, my people from motherfucking shite town, the whole family, some pictures with the whole family with his shirt on. The mother had a flying juicer. I think he just bought a shirt. The father had a fucking shirt, and the mother had another.

The son had another fucking shirt. That's how bad they are. Yeah. And then, and then somebody sent a picture of his kids at the zoo today. One had your patch, and one had my sticker. Sergio Ortega, my main man and shit, you know, but the whole family, that's a great picture. It was the mother, the dad, and the fucking son with it. All they needed was a chicken on the floor, a knife in their drug, and they would have made like the cover of some magazine or whatever the fuck it is. Did I give the shit up tight yet? No. Kenny Strickland, Matt Andrews, Ignatius 161, the Ortegas down in fucking Disneyland, Mike Lavin, and Dead Squad, Newcastle, and Dead Squad,

brothers and sisters on the motherfucking area, you know what I'm saying? In the struggle, Lee. What bitch? What? What? What, Lee? What do you got tomorrow, Conk said? Tomorrow. Oh, God. I got 2,000 fucking things tomorrow. What do you got tomorrow? This is the thing. What is it? What are you giggling about? Look at it. This is, I told you about it a few weeks ago, but tomorrow is a Macaroon class. Macaroon class. This is what I got to deal with people. I'm trying to bust this motherfucker out of my sound garden in 94, and he's going to, are you driving to Santa Monica? Yeah. Yeah. Another 40 mile joint to learn how to make macaroons. This is what I got to deal with people.

This is, I'm like a fucking drill sergeant with this fucking mook. He goes to dinner with six girls. This is how I deal with it. On a train. He goes down on a fucking after everything we've been to. That's why I gave you the edible because I knew it, but you went down and I'm very proud of you. You went down and you stood your ground. Did you get higher after you left here? Fuck yeah. I was sitting at the restaurant just like, because it was high up in downtown, so it was kind of scary. You were just like zoned out into like space and it was terrifying. And Paula knows at this point that you are? God, of course. How much is your sushi bill? Each of us was 60. So you and Paula were 120? Yeah, I think with tip, with tip. So maybe one,

maybe one hundred. Look at Liam's shit dropping. Well, fuck, it was expensive, but it was good. Look at Lili going out there with the freaks and shit with some attorneys. They had the spicy popcorn shrimp. Oh, it's okay. Come on, what did you get? You got the miso soup? No, fuck that. Fuck that shit. Any appetizers? Yeah, I got that. I got a crispy rice with a spicy tuna on top. That was really good. How was that? Really good. What else you got? A tuna roll and, oh my gosh, a hand roll for the first time. I made calories. Oh, probably at least 2000. I would guess. What did the ham roll taste like? It was good. I never had one before, but it was good. It's good for you. Look at you. Thank you. It's like a train back

or you're over the back. We're over the back and they took you to some club. It was like the end of law school. So they called bar review. I thought it was going to be like all of their friends at like a bar where like they're just drinking and walking around. We get there and it's like a club, club and people were like on top of each other and it was just, it was terrible. I think we were there for like 30 minutes and we just looked at each other and we're like, no, because like people always bumping into you and I was, oh, it was bad. How uncomfortable do you feel in those places? I hate, I hate, I like bars. That's what I was saying when I was coming in. I was like, it was talk. There's a difference between bars. Yeah. The clubs are everybody's jumping up and down. Boom,

boom, boom. Think of the place where you go and then people missing teeth. Kenny Rogers on the jukebox. You know, some people drink those fucking, nobody's drinking martinis or fucking de la vegas, whatever the fuck those Cuban drinks on with the mojitos, nothing like that. None of that bullshit. People just drinking beer, Scotch and soda, regular shit. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I liked those two. When I was doing blow, I could tolerate three or four drinks in one of those places. Yeah. In a corner somewhere nice and quiet where we could talk. I don't want to hear music. I was never, I'm either at a concert or I'm snorting blow at a bar. I don't want to do both of them. When I'm doing blow on a bar and I'm drinking some fucking cocktails, I don't want no shooting pool

either. I don't like the movement. It's too much fucking movement. I just want to sit in the corner with a TV on and a bartender and a couple of fucking people, maybe a jukebox that's playing low music. I don't even give a fuck what they're playing. Neil Diamond, Barbara Streisand, it makes no difference to me. I'm going to fucking Jupiter. You understand me? So that's what I went to bars for. Those are the bars I like. Somebody comes in at the end of their shift. They bring in a bunch of meat that's been bitten. Everybody at the bar eats it. They don't give a fuck. They're drinking. It's just a good time bar. That's what I miss from growing up. I miss those good time bars. You know, those people go to giant games together. They go to Boston growing games

together. They do pools around the year. You know, for the Super Bowl instead of wasting your time, they go to the bar and they each have a chili cookoff. But they're family, you know, and you go in there and out of 50 people that are involved in that family, 30 are just drinkers, social drinkers, and 20 of them are full blast alcoholics. But it works. It works. It really does work. I was a part of like two or three of those bars. I was never the cheer type guy with the mailman came and went, hey, oh, rough day delivering mail. Go fuck it. You know, the fuck out of here. We're over here delivering kilos. You worried about a fucking dog biting you. You know, I'm over here with Lube stuttering in one fucking ear with the other guy in the back, Stanky, telling me about

his fucking UPS career, dropping off fucking packages of blown Newark. And this guy's telling me about going, you know, it's two different fucking worlds. You know, look at the shape of yeah, I can be 10 milligrams, your fucking from the new fucking chef and shit. Get stoned for the fucking holidays going to the Mexican brats house. So you go over there, you pick her up, you eat the food, then you bring her back to your house. That'd be nice. And it's over after that looking and then you got a nice present this year. Huh? You got a nice present. I got her nice present. Yeah. Good for you. I mean, you're in love. No, I was gonna tell us what it was, but I want her to hear it.

So she's gonna listen to it. Some people might tweet it. No, what'd you get? No. Okay, please don't tweet it. I got so we've both been losing weight. And we had to talk like she doesn't like gift cards, but we she's been talking every, every day. Like she doesn't know none of her clothes fit anymore. She doesn't know what to wear. And she's almost at where she wants to be. So I found out Macy's will go with like a personal shopper for you for free at like most Macy's. And so I got her like a big gift card to Macy's. And I'm going to go with them and they're going to do that and like hopefully get a whole bunch of new clothes. So, okay, Johnny, give she gets really good gifts. And I like, I don't want to like who gives a good guess. She gives

good gifts. Oh, she gives good. Yeah. So yeah. So I want to get patience. Women have patience. My wife's getting shit in the room. Like, what's that? This is your present. What the fuck? Women have patience. They look, I got a Macy's tomorrow. I got a gift card. She told me she wants a gift card for some other place. I went to some dentist. I got a tooth whitening. I don't know what to get and then Sunday's her birthday. I don't fucking know Lee. I just want to, you know, take her out. So I'm going to have to take her and the baby out of Sunday. We got no babysitter, you know. So it's like a sweep. So there's not much I can fucking do. A little twitching. Why did that twitch? It reminded me of my buddy Darren Rago. God rest his peace.

God rest his soul. If he get coke up, he'd look at you and he'd be talking to you in the middle of the conversation. He just tweak his fucking neck. They focused back in on you like what the hell just happened to you. I'm staring at you. You want me in the next one? Your fucking head spinning on your shoulders like a lunatic. What's happening? You bad motherfuckers. The church or what's happening now? Fuck football. Fuck Sony. Fuck the investor. Get what's the name of the movie? Who? The interview. I don't give a fuck about none of that shit. Fuck the Koreans. They turned their fucking computers off. They got hacked. I don't fucking know. Listen, all these Twitters are communicating with you fuckers. Now, what's going on with iTunes? If you download a podcast,

they're not going to get it for like eight weeks now. You didn't get the email? No, no, it's just, I think the email was just saying if you submit a new, to start a new podcast. December 20th. No, I think it's, I think it's just saying, just like if we wanted to start a new podcast, it would take a while to get onto their page. I think that's what I meant. Just fucking check on you. But just, I'll check, but it's an RSS feed, so it should be fine. And what are you doing for new years? We're just doing this show and you're staying home. We're doing this show. What are you doing with your stomach? I'm really high. The fuck is wrong? So you're doing this show and you're not taking mama dancing to a club? No, I think we're trying to find a bar

or something. Trying to find a bar or something. I got to jump on the train and maybe get monthly death wish. I don't want to get mugged. All right then, what are you going to do for new years? Why don't you just get, why don't you just get a nice fucking bottle of booze, get a couple of animals, dosa, and then get high, listen to music, kind of get a lot of doray, rub some fucking cream on her feet. You get her a manicure or a pedicure for Christmas again? No. You got her toes smoking so you could sniff those motherfuckers. It's not a little fucking taquitos, those little fucking cute little toes and shit. I don't think so. You ever sniffed those motherfuckers at night? No. You would get up in the middle of the night, whack one off on her feet

like a savage Lisa. You would say that to me all the time when Ashley was sleeping on my couch. You'd be like, just go over and come on her feet. No, it's not funny. You never did and she fucked up on the left. See, right now she was left and come on her feet. Nobody would ever know nothing. You're fucked up across the board with that cocksucker. I told you, you get to taking pictures, you could have made a sex tape, but no, you got to be the fucking only Jew I know with a conscience. 20 million Jews, not one of them have a conscience. I ended up with the only Jew. I seen some guy, yeah, what the fuck are you talking about? You're too nice to be a Jew. What happened? What happened? What do I do with you? It's a great fucking time and I love getting

stoned with Lee, just us bullshit without a guess. You people seem to fucking dig it. I don't know why I love this little fucker. I tormented his life all the time. I told him today, we got to go, he calls me and says, I just need one favor from me. We can't not all weekend. I had been thinking what we're going to do for Christmas. But yes, he calls like I need to ask you one favor. I'm doing Christmas Eve with the family. I don't know if we can do a podcast. He was all a little nervous on the phone, like, you know, and I was with him already. I'm like, I agree with this fucking guy. I don't want to know fucking about that. I don't want to, like it's like, I don't want to, this is work. I would do it. But this is nice for you. This is your family away from your family. And

this is important. Are you going to go to church with them? No, they don't go to church. Why not? Why don't you ask them if they want to go to church? Because I don't want to go to church. Why not? Because there's no way you're not going to call me Christmas morning and say, yeah, let me have a little edible. Let me ask you a question. If you go, if you take an edible, I'll go to church and I'll take 500. We'll do midnight mass. And then we'll go to the commie store Thursday night. You're coming with me to the commie store Thursday night, right? Christmas night. Okay. 11 o'clock. Let's go down and eat an edible. Maybe there'll be some mushrooms down there. Some chocolate mushrooms. We'll go deep in the fucking mother fucker league.

So what are you doing for Christmas? One of my cousins. I'm calling my cousins and his wife and my other cousin is showing up. I think my uncle is showing up, won't return my calls. He's furious about Thanksgiving. I know my uncle, you know, he's pissed about Thanksgiving. I didn't show with the food over there. But that's what I'm doing. You know, my wife wants to go and she wants mercy and her little cousins, their nice little boys. Did you meet them? I don't think so. The little boys, they're anywhere from like three to seven. But we went to eat dinner with them about two weeks ago. My wife, she had a good time with the boys. So their cousins, so I'm going to do that with them. And on Christmas day, I haven't decided

what I'm going to do. I keep it light though. I don't want to do much. This has been a nice little vacation for me. I'm not going to lie. They've been writing a lot. Yeah. When was the last time you were on the road? December 6th. Wow. That's a long break. I'm home till January 22nd, destination Buffalo, motherfucking New York. Then the following week, I'm in Columbus, motherfucking Ohio at the funny bone. What Lee, what? Then I'm home for two weeks and I turn around and go to Austin for Valentine's Day. Oh, then Indianapolis, Crackers. And that's my first two months, just four weeks in the first two months. Because we're going to work on the podcast, get different guests, you know, shit like that. Things that happen. Things are cracking. That's

it. Keep it light. New years are doing the eight o'clock show. People like, why? You know why? Because I want the same people who think, let's all meet at 730, smoke a big fat fucking joint. We'll go inside and I'll get on stage. I'll do anywhere from fucking 25 to 45 minutes family style. You know what I'm saying? Old school style. We'll bring Lee up. We'll do the year on review. And we all go home at 10 fucking 15 rather than that. That's it. You want to go home and get your mama stabbing? You got him? No. What are you going to do? You're going to stay up till two, three, ducking traffic, fucking cops pulling you over. It's only going to be an Uber all night. Uber's going to triple that fucking rate for the new years, right? Probably. Uber's a TV

motherfuckers. I got rid of the thing on my phone. Really? I'm not going to take a fucking Uber. I got a friend of mine who drives me to the airport for a set rate. I got a little Cuban dude who drives me to Burbank Airport if I need him. He's a cab driver. He hangs out over by the fucking train station. I call him up. He's by the house in three fucking minutes. What am I going to do? Deal with a fucking Uber for? Uber's just cool because you can do it off your phone. Look at me. I press a button and they take me right up. Who gives a fuck? I picked my hand up. There's 10 fucking Arabs out there with a yellow fucking cattle pick you up. Same difference. Who gives a shit? Everybody's just trying to be cool. Why Uber? Who gives a fuck? Where's your Starbucks?

And you look that dude in your glasses looking like a fucking philanthropist. I don't even know what that means, a philanthropist. I just learned that word the other day. I forgot I dropped it on you, motherfuckers, Lisa Yat. I don't even know what to do with you no more. Look at the shape of you, Lee. I love it. Who gives a fuck, Lee? It's the eight days of Christmas. This is what it means. After the 17th, you're doomed. You're doomed to the fucking fifth. It's the only time of the year that if you play the rest of the year good, well, you just shut your mind out for those 10 days. And you do what you really want to do at home in the morning. I'm trying to write a bunch of shit here so I can ship it off on the fifth. And I've been doing it, Lee. That's what I've been focusing

on. I've been focusing on my knee. I've been focusing on my weight. I've been working on every other day. Because every time I work out back to back, my knee hurts for two or three days. But every time I've been working out every other day, I'm okay. I've been getting good successful. You don't give a fuck. You're all over the chiseled up, you know, English, you know? No, I see it. But it's pretty, it's pretty, it's made a big difference in my workout. It's made a big difference in my cardio. I go a little deeper, but I go, I go every other day. It's not bad. Today I walk like a motherfucker with mercy. So I'm not, you know, I walked, I mean, like a, I left the house at 10 to nine. I didn't walk, Terry went swimming at 11. She called me at 12,

20. She goes, that kid must be starving. Where are you guys? I was just walking with it. I walked around the park with it. I walked around the baseball field. So then he feels good. So I'm trying to rehab everything. I'm trying to write a little bit. I'm trying to give you some love on the motherfucking podcast, but you fucking know what, man, tonight when I was leaving, I was looking at that little girl and I was thinking about the change in my life without even really trying, just thinking about it. I was thinking about where my life was when I had Jackie, when she was two and how I feel now, you know, and how sometimes I get these emails. I always do. I answered emails today and I always get emails from people and they think they're in a rut right

now, but sometimes as long as they're believing they're going to get better deep down inside, they let that hole just passes them. That little part of their life passes them by like it did me, you know, I went through a lot of rough patches, but I don't know, they went by. It was like just a dark spot in your life. You know, we all go through them. You go through them. Everybody goes through them. It's how you handle them, how you come out of those things. But so weird how I was looking at that little baby and how much I've changed in 20 fucking years, how your mindset changes, how you've changed in the last two years. You think? Yeah, you see it. Yeah, totally. In which way am I not crazy enough for you? No, you're still crazy, but you're crazy and like

more focused. I feel like because I see you doing less and less of the gigs I know you don't like doing or like the videos or stuff like that hanging out. What do you mean hanging out? You're more focused. Like you don't really, when we first started, when we first started doing Mad Flavors World, before Mad Flavors World, we did a month of two, three nights a week at the Ha Ha. You don't do that now. Why go to the store? Yeah, but yeah, but you were at the Ha Ha for like an hour or two before the, before you're on. Now you get to the store and for 20 minutes before. Well, the store's always got a problem with parking. When I go to the store, if you get caught in the fucking store, I got caught in the store two times the last month. Oh yeah, because too many people came in. Too many

people come in and you're waiting in the fucking 45 minutes to get on the ferry. Two weeks ago, I waited 40 minutes because they couldn't find the dog at with my keys. My car was right there. He took the keys home. You have no fucking idea. Yeah, that's the problem I have. When I go down to the store, I'm petrified at Laurel Canyon. I'm petrified at getting caught by those cop things because I don't drink. And even though my license is cool, the registration is cool, my insurance is cool. I still feel this summer. I don't want to have any police contact at all. You know how you don't have police contact at night? Don't be out. Don't be out. That's it. If you don't want to have police contact at night, don't be the fuck out. You're like, Joe, you look like a communist.

I just, you never know what could fucking happen. So now I'm in Hollywood now. I don't live in Hollywood. I just want to get over the fucking hell. Five weeks ago, you and I, you picked me up at my house at seven o'clock on a Tuesday night. We were going to go over Laurel Canyon. What happened? Traffic? How bad? It was crazy. There's a lion over there. And how, after how long did we turn the fucking car around? Like 30 minutes. And the 405, the 101 was just as bad. Yeah. What happens if I'm coming? What happens if I have to meet you at six in the morning? And I come back from the comedy store. And as I'm coming up the hill, I get hit by that. And I go to 101 and it's like that again too. I got to meet you at six. It's fucking 12. But guess what? I did my spot at 10. I could

have been out of that 10, 15. I could have been home. I fucked up Lee. You follow me? You don't know what to expect on Laurel Canyon, especially the 101. If I lived in Hollywood, I'd be at the comedy store every fucking night hanging out. Wait, how do you think so? Right now? Well, maybe five nights a week, I would. It'd be easier for me to get in and out. Okay. I don't like driving on Laurel Canyon at night. I see out of my fucking left eye. And it's not a bad thing that you're more focused. I thought it was a... Well, I get the same results for being out five nights. You got to get the most for your bang, for your buck. You got to get the most out of you. After a few years, you get to know yourself,

but you're scared to fucking experiment. Everybody's always looking for the answers and books and the internet. You know what you could do. If you go on, let's say you play the fucking flute and you're in a band, but the band only pays you $50 a week at that fucking wedding, you got to do. But you have a day job that pays you $800. How much can you complicate your fucking life? And you have insurance and you have a wife and a kid. So this band wants you to rehearse five nights a week plus play one night a fucking week. That's six nights a fucking week, okay? For the sake of what? Have you not seen your kids? Have you been walking around all day fucking tired? So you go to your fucking guy and you go, let me ask you a question. Whether we rehearse

Monday and Wednesdays and we do the gig Saturday nights, we'll get the same fucking amount of fucking work that we're doing. We'll just rehearse an extra hour. You know, doesn't it make sense? Yeah. So that's what I'm trying to do. I paid my dues here. When I came to, I went out every night for the first fucking seven years. Every night, Lee, 30 spots a month, every fucking night. There was no nights off or whatever. That was 20 years ago. If I go out every night now, Lee, I'll die of high blood pressure because I won't get enough sleep because what time do I wake up? Four. What if I walk in at two? What time do I wake up? Six. Okay then. So after three or four nights of doing that, then I got to get on a plane. You know what time my flight's leave?

Six. What time I got to be at the airport for 30, you know, you do that five, six nights a week. You see what happens to your weight. See what happens to your performance on stage. See what happens to the podcast. See what happens to your writing. See what happens to your relationship. You're walking around tired. So it's the law of diminishing returns. I'm not doing nothing right. I do the podcast. I go home now. I still get six, seven hours of fucking sleep. Tomorrow night I got two comedy shows. One show starts at fucking 10. I'm gonna be out till two or three in the fucking morning tomorrow night. Then I get home and I got unwind. So I watch fucking whatever hell for an hour when I drink coffee and write a little bit to unwind.

So whatever time I get home, you gotta give an hour after that for me to fucking fall asleep. So this is what I'm trying to do, Lee. You know, and then I have the baby. The baby's no easy task, you know. She's a 30-pound fucking human kettlebell. I've said this a thousand fucking times. She runs. She moves. She talks. You gotta pay attention. You gotta hold up. Pick a wrap. Change diapers. You know, it's a tough racket. Plus write a book. Plus write comedy. Plus deal with you cocksucker and try to take you under my wing of life and teach you the right way. But you're gonna have to dinner with six bruds and sushi buns. Why do you come here? What do you take from this podcast? Do you not take something from this podcast you run a cocksucker?

Yeah. I mean, I didn't know I was gonna be the only guy. You should do. You gotta ask. Is there gonna be other guys there? What do they like? Do they suck dick? Do they fucking like the Giants? What do they do? No, there's not gonna be any guys. The one of mine going down there, Paul. I love you. Listen, here's an extra 50. Drink a couple Sockies and come back and we'll Sockie Suki. That's it. Come back at about 11. I'll pick up at the train station and I'll give you a stab in the car. Japanese. I'll show up with a sword and a fucking hat and a kung fu fucking Giant. I'm just trying to help you out, dog. You had it been fun, too. You're sitting there. You know what? Never been fun, too. Yeah. You're gonna sit there with six

bruds. We're gonna be doing a thousand fucking things. We're gonna be delivering a pound of heroin or something. You're gonna sit there with six fucking bruds talking and you sit there and talk about what? Shoes and law and the review. You must have been fucking just a ball of entertainment, don't you? He's just sitting there looking at each bro. Sticking your fingers in the sushi and the soy sauce. You filthy fuck. This is why I gotta put up with people. You think my life's fucking easy. So that's why I'm not out. So now when I go out, I try to definitely get two sets. Yeah. That's why I always double team two sets. So Tuesday I got two sets. Saturday I got two sets. Thursday I only got one. I put a call on to the Laugh Factory Hollywood today. Trying to get a

set there Christmas day. Oh. So I'll just do two while I'm in the fucking neighborhood. That'd be cool. And that's it. That's how you space it out. So I did six sets, two podcasts. I worked out three or four times. I spent two mornings with Mercy. I spent an afternoon with Mercy, Terry and Noah Kidd. I wrote a little bit and everybody's fucking happy. And I got some sleep and I kept my blood pressure under control. Isn't that the most important thing in life? Yeah. Being a good friend to yourself. And what the fuck are you talking about? I don't know. I mean, the sponsors will get you out of here. This guy is so strong. He doesn't even know what I'm talking about. And I can't lie to you

people. How do you know what the fuck I'm talking about? If I did, I'm lying to you guys. You know what I'm saying? Why would I? And my man, Chris Leroy, I want to give him a shout out to he's a beautiful fucking guy over there from Columbus, Ohio. What are you giggling about? Everything is real in the field, cocksucker. I'm mad when you play little league. Everything is real in the field. No, I'm not doing this. Nobody knows nothing, people. Nobody knows fucking nothing. That's gonna be a good week. Trust me. You don't need money. A lot of people get down over this time. Trust me, I used to get so fucking depressed. Oh my god, Christmas 83, Christmas 84. A bunch of fucking Christmases 91. I was probably a mess. Oh my god. And I gotta tell you, man,

it just passes. After a while, you just you stay up, you drink some agnog and you watch some TV and you wake up in the morning. It's Christmas day and you wake up in the morning and it's done. It's done for a fucking year. So my sentiments go off. I just hope you have everybody has a happy Christmas. And that's it. That's all I want for people is to have a good time. What's a good time? Do you need to be Jetson with the Kardashians? Fuck no, that's for fucking overachievers. When you do a spend time with three or four of your favorite people, he shows up with a dime bag, you show up with some mushrooms. He shows up with some wine. There's Christmas. Jesus is born. Somebody's getting fucked and somebody's getting pregnant. That's the most important thing of the

On it. On it as usual. On it as fucking usual. Making it happen for you people. Sales. They do. They always have a great fucking sale. I don't know if you people noticed. Lee mentioned last week we could do a commission report on Alpha Brain and its benefits. I did not read it because you're welcome to fuck. I could lie to you and tell you a bunch of lies and outline it or whatever. When I read it, I'll break it down. It'll take me a few days. I have a lot of shit going on. I'll tell you the truth, but I know it backs all the statements they make, and I know that somebody wouldn't give you a 100% money back guarantee without even taking the product back if the product wasn't that strong. That commitment alone made me take the On It product

and made me let them sponsor the show. I like that commitment. I like that. If you try Alpha Brain and you don't like it a hundred percent, send it back. No questions. They'll fucking give you a refund right back. That's a great guarantee in my eyes. They don't do that for all their other products, but that alone for their signature product lets me know they ain't fucking around. And they got other products. They got the MCT oil. They got the testosterone fucking plus, which upgrades your testosterone, gets you a little bit more yoke, gets that fucking helmet going. You got your fucking shroom tech sport, your shroom tech fucking immune, no Ebola. You got the Ham Force chocolate cocoa protein. You got the acai vanilla. I mean, you know,

you can't lose one on it. I'm not going to sit here and bullshit you and tell you, you're going to get great muscles. You want to put the best fucking natural nutrients in your body. It starts with fucking On It today. Go to OnIt.com. Look and see what they got. Look at the supplements. I'll get you 10% off today right now. The weights and the vests and the fucking battle ropes. I can't help you there. You have to call on it and work something out with them. As far as the supplements are concerned, I'm getting you 10% off today. Just do me a favor. It starts with this. Go to the OnIt webpage and look. Look at all the opportunities they have there and buy them and see what you need. You know where your

fucking deficiencies are. See what you need. Take a look at that order it. Start with the Alphabring. Get the small thing. If you don't like it after that, fuck on it, but you're going to love it. You're going to feel sharper. You're going to feel like on top of things like you're ruining shit. If you have something to do with writing or reading, you're going to love it. Give fucking Alphabring a try. Go on it right now and press what? Church. Church. C-H-U-R-C-H and what do they get? 10% off. Like a motherfucker. Stay on it and you get to stay on that program. They mail it directly to your house once a month. You're not going to leave. You're not going to reorder. Also my brother Dave Foley. I want to thank you for the cards we got and

everything the other day. I forgot to bring Glee's card and I got a road for you at the house. I got a different Christmas card. Dave Foley, thank you. Thank you for having a great company. You added a little sister street fighter with my main man Sonny Chiba. Always adding new titles over at IonDragonTV.com. Little big surprise. You know it doesn't get no better. I'll tell you what else I like about IonDragonTV. Let's say you like martial arts. Let's say you like a genre like the mafia type movies. They got them. Let's say you want to look at the classic old feature martial arts like Sonny Chiba. They got them. Let's say you're into modern martial art classics. They fucking got them. Let's say you're into that war when China fought Japan and

they're doing all that. They fucking got it. IonDragonTV gets better every fucking day. IonDragonTV.com. I'm sorry. Go to IonDragonTV and press and what? Joey. Joey and get two movies. Gratis. See what they're about. See what the selection they have. They got a lot of stuff on there. Not just classic martial arts. They just did something with Jackie Chan. Jackie Chan. They did have the Hitman series but they just did something. They have like conditioning shows on there. They have special things from on it. They have on it videos. On their videos on there. Go to IonDragonTV.com. Press and Joey. Joey in there. Get two free movies today. You're going to come back and email me and say we love what they're doing and wait till you see what they're doing in the

future with the 4K TV, correct? Yeah. It's tremendous. A little shout out to HiddieSix.com. There's your time of the year right now. You've been lying to yourself. I'm going to quit smoking. I'm spitting fucking purple shit and pieces of my throat. You're spitting pieces of your throat out. You're spits purple. When you wake up in the morning as you're pissing, you get that little verp in your throat. It's like a little vomit and fucking like a green slim wrapped up with the cancer juice. It's starting to fucking create in there. It's over. Go to HiddieSix.com and see what they got to offer. You know what they got to offer? They got this e-cigarette in four different different turntables. So I'd say you start with the 24 milligrams. You go to 16 milligrams. You go

to eight milligrams next to your smoking. Zero tele milligrams of tobacco. Next thing you know, you're nicotine fucking free. Who's better than you? It all starts today right now. HiddieSix.com guarantee 1200 pups whether you want the cigarette or the fucking brandy cigar right there. Tremendous. This is all I smoke. And I'm Cuban. Fiddell's probably having a heart attack right now. Look at this fucking cigar. Fuck them. You should have let them eat bananas years ago. Fuck suck them. Anyway, go to HiddieSix.com right now. They also had flavored cigars. If you want wild cherry- Flavoured cigarettes. Flavoured cigarettes. Peppermint. What would I do without these cigarettes? He's the best co-host of all fucking time. What I'm trying to tell you is

you want to quit smoking starts right now with HiddieSix.com. Cut this shit. Take a chance. Columbus girl. Go to HiddieSix.com and press him what? Joey's church. Oh shit. And get 20% off like a motherfucker. Who's better than you? You think I'm over here asking you for fucking donations? You're the one that wants to quit smoking. You're looking around. What do I do? I get the peppermint gum. Fuck it. Go tough like Rambo. The tougher you go, the more commitment you'll have to stain off the fucking cigarettes. Trust me, Cocksuckers. Go to HiddieSix.com and press him. Joey's church. Boom. And you get your 20% off. We don't fuck around here. Also, have you gone and nailed it in life's new webpage? I haven't. Tremendous. They got the vapor pen

little mix there. They got the syringe for the juice on the thing. They're not fucking around over there. These guys are a lot more than just Gumi sermanos and shit. When it comes to dabs, they got blow torches. They got everything. They're lighting people on fire on that fucking website. Old school. I would mention something, but I can't because I love you in Antarctica. They ain't fucking around. Over at naileditlife.com. That's all I'm saying. Go to naileditlife.com and press him. Get 20% off. They're the most vapor pen out there working. One of the best vapor pens out there. Money can buy for you wax and fucking Stamina smokers. You understand me? Something happens. Something breaks. Something you don't like. They got a toll-free number. You call Dave

Direct. You say, Uncle Joey said I could call you and you'll take care of my problems. I've had a thousand vapor pens get sent to me. I smoke them one time. They're fucking kaput. So I'm looking for a number. They got an email that takes 800 fucking years. With naileditlife.com Dave answers the phone. There's no customer services. No Arabs. Nothing. It's the same Southwest. It's the same United. There's no computers. All right. I love you guys. I wouldn't turn you on to this shit. So what'd you learn tonight, Lee? Oh, hold on. Thank you again. On it, Iron Dragon TV. Hit E6.com and nail the line. What'd you learn tonight, Lee? So much. Did you like what? Just say it. You don't like cotton. You're not a huge fan of baking

on sandwiches. That's what you learn. Two hours here. We're talking like gentlemen. I love you, buddy. Thank you for making me laugh all the time. That was tremendous, Dad. I dosed you and you went over to the dinner like a man. I thought you were just gonna stop answering the phone when I called. You're like, we're headed to the train like this dumb bastard. He's actually dying inside right now. Hide and fuck, but I salute you, Lee. I've always told you got balls of steel. Every time I give you an edible, I'm like, you're gonna be fine. You're like, I don't know. I'm gonna eat the house. I think brisket left. It's frozen, but yes. You haven't broken into it yet? No. How long will it take you to defrost? I have no idea. You're gonna take a chance

tonight to move for some brisket? No. I stole a Kit Kat today because I was pissed off at TVS. What'd you do with the Kit Kat? I took my house. You didn't bring it and share it? Hell no. That's what Christmas is about. Stealing a Kit Kat and sharing it. You and he just gave me one out of four. Okay. I'm not gonna eat them. Who gives a fuck about a Kit Kat? Your family. I got Kit Kat's at the house, left off my lawyer that haven't looked at them for 18 weeks. I love you, but don't forget we're gonna be New Years. Like I said, eight o'clock show. Get your back out of there by 10.15 if you want to go home or catch a movie or go to a friend's house and sleep and you know, that's it. If you're into a low-key New Year's, come over. It's gonna be real low-key.

Trust me, it's not gonna be barn burning. We're using people up and jumping down. Tongerife, acid, bazookas, people doing heroin. No, just teasing. It's just us, smoking dope. That's it. Taking pictures fucking around. I love you guys. Have a great Monday. I'll see you guys Wednesday morning at 9 a.m. Billy's gonna call in. We're gonna discuss the U of Mass part two. Hopefully I'll get to see you tonight late night. I love you, mom. The U of Mass. How high am I? The U of M. M-I-A motherfuckers. I love you guys. Have a great night. Be safe. Stay black and beautiful. What do you want to end with? I don't fucking know, Lee. What do you think? How about AC DC Power Rage? How about AC DC Sin City? How about that, Lee? How do you think I end?

We ended up blaze, Lee. I would blaze with some gun shooting, but fucking, look at this WebMD. They keep bothering me. Why they keep bothering me? Leave me alone. What are they telling you? I don't fucking know. They sent me recipes. I want a recipe for fucking WebMD. What kind of recipe? How do I fucking package this and shit like that? Okay. This shows brought to you by Onit. Go to Onit's Coward Church to get 10% off of other supplements like AppleBand and Numud. Go to I Am Dragon TV and use Coward Joey to get two free rentals on the new Roku channel. With all your favorite martial arts films, it's Coward Joey for two free rentals. Go to anotherlife.com and use Coward Joey Diaz to get

20% off. The premier vapor pan on the market for oil and wax smokers. Go to hitesig.com for the best e-sig, the proof is in the vape, long-lasting butter tasting. Have e-cigarettes and e-cigars. Use Coward Joey's Church to get 20% off. Lambo Guinness Caviar Drama Teenage Shangri-La I got a burning feeling

Deep inside of me I'm going to get it But I'm gonna shut it free I'm going in To Sin City I'm gonna win To Sin City Well, the lights are bright

Through the trials and bays I'm going to win In Sin City I'm gonna get it I'm gonna get it I'm gonna get it I'm gonna get it I'm gonna get it

I'm gonna get it I'm gonna get it I'm gonna get it I'm gonna get it I'm gonna get it I'm gonna get it I'm gonna get it I'm gonna get it

Ladders And snakes Ladders give Snakes take Rich men, poor men Beggar men thief Ain't got a hope in hell That's my belief

Fingers finger Diamond june They're gonna ready I'm coming in Trust them as we'll Cut that crack And roll out the loaded dice Be on the dance

And there's a bullet Shot by the lights I'm going in To Sin City I'm gonna win In Sin City We're the lights that ride Through the town tonight

I'm going in To Sin City To Sin City