Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #243 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: May 15, 2023

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY’S JOINT... It’s Monday, May 15, 2023… This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! Go to https://www.onnit.com & Enter PROMO CODE: JOEY, JOINT or CHURCH This episode is also brought to you by DraftKings & BlueChew… DRAFTKINGS Download the Draftkings Sportsbook app & sign up with code JOEY. New customers can make a $5 bet & score $150 in bonus bets instantly Call [phone] or visit gamblinghelplinema.org (MA), Gambling Problem? Call 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY). If you or someone you know has a gambling problem, crisis counseling and referral services can be accessed by calling 1-800-GAMBLER (1-800-426-2537)(CO/IL/IN/LA/MD/MI/NJ/OH/PA/TN/WV/WY), 1-800-NEXT STEP (AZ), 1-800-522-4700 (KS/NH), 888-789-7777/visit ccpg.org (CT), 1-800-BETS OFF (IA), visit OPGR.org (OR), or 1-888-532-3500 (VA) 21+ (18+ NH/WY). Physically present in AZ/CO/CT/IL/IN/IA/KS/LA(select parishes)/MA/MD/MI/NH/NJ/NY/OH/OR/PA/TN/VA/WV/WY only. VOID IN ONT. Eligibility restrictions apply. On behalf of Boot Hill Casino & Resort (KS). Bet $5 Get $150 offer (void in NH/OR): Valid 1 per new customer. Min. $5 deposit. Min $5 pre-game moneyline bet. Bet must win. $150 issued as six (6) $25 bonus bets. Promotional offer period ends 5/28/23 at 11:59PM ET. BLUECHEW  Support the show & try Blue Chew for free at https://www.bluechew.com promo code JOEY Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world  And don’t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz  JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #displate #manscaped #bluechew #CBDLion #HeartAndSoil #DraftKings #BetterHelp #stamps #RocketMoney  The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast  Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

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What's happening you bad motherfuckers? Uncle Joey here. What's a great week? I'm looking forward to this week. Thank you. I had a good time on Are You Garbage last week. And also on Boss Tool Sports. The Irish Brothers are fucking tremendous.

You know, it was funny when I walked in there. They had the studio turned on. Yeah, that's what they were saying. Yeah, I just sat down and started bullshitting with them and started yelling and screaming. And the next thing you know, I'm like, I didn't fucking know. The next thing you know, I got a pee and he's like, then we'll get started. He goes, we started this motherfucker already. So if I offended anybody or anything, I don't know.

When I walked in there, I was stoned as fucking hell. I just landed in New York City with the ferry, like one of those pilgrims. And I went over to the side. The Uber was taken too fucking late. And I went over to the side and I burnt one of these fucking tremendous ash hole joints with the fucking lava in it. And my fucking eyebrow was almost on fire. It was tremendous. I got my little taxi cab and I walked into that fucking Boss Tool Sports.

An amazing place, great network, great people. Thank you, everybody. The book is doing great because of you guys. Thank you for spreading the word and thank you for having my back. I also popped my head up on Law and Order last week. It wasn't the role you guys wanted to see me in, but hey, sometimes a life mimics art. You know what I'm saying? Or sometimes art mimics life.

I was a fucking baker. That's what I went to prison for. Remember when I went to prison, I became a baker. This time I didn't even blow up the fucking cannolis. Listen, people gave me shit like they were like, Joey, you were in and out. It was a little scene. Do you think I give a fuck? You know, like people like, why did you take that role?

It was so small. It's like, guys, there's no role that's too small. There's no small roles. There's only small actors. Somebody told me that one time when I booked a scene with one fucking line, I went out there and turned it into five. So you never know. But listen, man, I like action.

You know, you can only sit here so fucking much. I knew there was going to be a fucking riotous strike. If you guys don't know what's going on, there's just a writer strike with the writer's guild of America. They're striking over, you know, streaming, which has been a fucking problem since it got out. A few people don't know. Listen, it's not just, can you imagine?

You work all your life. You create a show. You get the show made. And you get no answers. It's like I tell people all the time. And I hope, yeah. And I hope you're not mad at me. A lot of people are like, hey, when is the book signing?

I have no fucking idea. They don't tell you nothing. Hey, when is your episode of law and order coming out? I don't fucking know. They don't tell you nothing. I didn't know the episode came out till it was after it was on. People with my sister-in-law hit me up to say, I just saw you on law and order.

And I go, really? They already played that fucking episode? Yeah, I thought it was coming out in three or four fucking weeks. So that's, you know, they don't tell you nothing, guys. How many times do I have to tell you? You think that's the nice people and they tell you, all the movies coming out here and they don't tell you nothing. That's why I don't ask when I go on a set.

That's why I don't ask. I don't say a dick. I worry about what I'm doing. Everybody's worried about what is coming out. I'm worried about the job and why I'm fucking there. That's the problem. That's the fucking problem. I don't ask stupid fucking questions.

It's like when I was writing the book, do you know what the cover's going to be? Do you know what your asshole's going to look like when you're 60? Not really. But what do you bother me for about the cover? We haven't even started writing the fucking book and they already wanted a fucking cover. So everybody always puts the fucking whatever,

the horse before the egg. I don't know what the expression is. I don't fucking know. But it's like, what the fuck, guys? Nobody tells you shit. Okay. Nobody tells you shit. I'm doing some TV thing to promote the book. I'll tell you when it comes closer.

But guess who got it from me? You think the publicity guy got it from me? No. Dino from Uncle Vinny's got it from me. Got me something that they've been, well, we've been calling back and forth. Dino made one call and there I am on the 24th showing up. So guys, please, you have no idea about this fucking world.

It's like I have a friend of mine that tortures me constantly about, I need a headshot for a friend of mine. Bitch, there's no more headshots. Well, how come everybody else has headshots? And I have to explain to him that this world became digital. So the biggest fucking failure I ever saw in my life, guys, was the photography business in LA. You guys got to remember, when I got to LA,

you went to a photographer. He charged you 200 bucks for four reels of shooting, 36 in a reel, I think. I don't know, don't quote me on this. Then you pay him a deuce, okay? Let me tell you how long, for you motherfuckers and like, oh my God, I can't wait to get headshots. Get ready for this.

And that tough, if you're an asshole, can you imagine if you're a fucking sheep? Because this is the process. You have to take the picture, then he calls you and he gives you a contact sheet with all your fucking sheets. Now, if you're a sheep, you take that and take it to your manager and your agent and they look at it with a lens with you and then you pick a headshot with them

and they'll confuse you even more than when you're confused. They'll just tell you, we don't like this one. How come you didn't have a shovel in this one? How come you weren't by the bar at any high? Shut the fuck up. You weren't fucking there. And then after that's all said and done, you have to circle the shots, send them back to the photographer,

then he blows it up to you one size. That's his job. He charges you 20 a piece. So between the agent and the manager, the agent likes three, the other guy wants two, and the other jerk off one street, the commercial agent. So right there, that's what? That's fucking 140 of fucking headshots in the photographer.

And then after you get those seven headshots, you got to make 300 copies of each for $99. Okay? Yourself. Yourself. Nobody gives you a dime. Nobody's guys that go out there like, yeah, this is why.

And then after you get that headshot, you got to pay actors access $60 to put your headshot on. So you can get auditions. You got to pay commercial agents another hundred and something just to put your picture on there so agents could see it. And there is the evolution of a fucking headshot. So what before you even get an acting role, you should be down 600, 800 bucks if you're fucking moron.

Uncle Joey did it my way. I got some guy to take a picture of me from fucking the bar from the comedy store, the piano guy at the time. Not the guy who died, God passed his soul, God rest his soul. But some other Spanish guy that was out there on off nights, I had him, he's like, I do headshots for like 25 bucks. Done. He took a picture of me.

It's still in the hallway at the comedy store with the glasses. Yeah. That's the worst headshot in the world, but guess what? I took it. He made me a copy, no 20 bucks. I didn't take it to my agent to get that fucking opinion. Didn't need that fucking opinion because they, what do they know? So from there, I took it to the headshot place and I got,

I used to go to a different one, a Chinese guy. He was tremendous. There was a guy, an old guy that had a Chinese girlfriend and he died, a fat guy. But then there was a guy in the corner behind the hoist walk and that motherfucker was my buddy. And he would make me a hundred headshots and a hundred business cards for $99.

I still got that. Oh, they evolved. I don't have any more with the fucking glasses on and shit. But so I started going to him and that went on for like five or six years and then about 15 years ago, okay? Because this is the science. The science is this. They're sending you out on auditions.

So every month what you do is every three weeks, I would go to the agent's office and stock the headshots myself. So they would remember who I am and they would see me and see how I change over the month. These are strategies that nobody does, guys. Just your uncle Joey back in the day. I would go to my commercial agent once every three weeks and I would go to my theatrical agent.

And before you bring them shots, you have to go to Charlie Chan printing and make a hundred resumes, cut them to eight by ten by yourself and then staple them to the back of the fucking headshot. So don't tell me we don't fucking work, cocksuckers, and you do this all yourself. Because if you're stapling headshots, you got no assistant. I never had no fucking assistant. And then you got to buy the yellow envelopes and guess what?

You got to put your fucking, your re-box on or whatever the fuck you're wearing and get to walking because you got to go drop those off in mailboxes. But then they stopped using headshots. The last, I'll never forget about seven years ago, I was talking to some girl and she goes, my mother, let's do the headshots. First of all, I'm not a good looking dude. But sometimes if you take 50 pictures of me, there's always going to be one.

Then you go, Joey, it looks okay. And I'm okay with that. Dog, I paid this lady 400 bucks and there wasn't one good picture of me. And then my buddy came over, I paid him 50 and I got like 10 pictures of him because he knew how to shoot me. You know who used to take good pictures of me? I'm one of the best photographers for Joey Diaz, Felicia Michaels. Felicia Michaels would take pictures of me that I would go,

what the fuck, and Troy Conrad. That's why he made the cover of fucking tremendous Troy Conrad. But the picture business is gone. And people constantly ask you for a fucking headshot and they think I'm lying to them. The headshot business is gone. The headshot business is gone. You know, photography, listen, when I was growing up, you could still see him in Jersey. You'll go to a fucking little mall or something like that.

Or was it Olin Mills pictures? What happened? The Olin Mills pictures? No, the little fucking, the little photography huts. Little kiosks. Yeah, those little kiosks. In fact, I went to a mall today and I saw and I go, wow, it's a jewelry fixing. You know, they fixed jewelry there.

Like you could drop it off on Saturday and pick it up on Saturday. Yeah, the photography business kind of fucking, because it all became digital. So when people ask me for a headshot, I'm like, guys, I don't have no fucking headshots. I've looked. I've got maybe like one of the old school ones that a Joshua's brother made for me years ago. And I have another one that I have to save. I just got one of each, you know. Yeah, I got printed.

I'm not going to give that out for fucking those are for my daughter or whatever the fuck, you know. And that's all I got. It's fucking crazy. You would go into my house and there would be three boxes of 300 headshots in each 900 pictures. So it was, it's really fucking weird how people think that there's a headshot business. There ain't fucking shit. Speaking of headshots, sometimes you got to be careful where you put your headshot, you know. I went to do Barstool Sports Tuesday and it was an 11 o'clock thing.

I got out of there like 1230 and I'm like, fuck, this is perfect because I get to go back to Eden City and get my little steaks on the stick. You know, me dog. I'm a, I'm a fucking old habits die hard. I don't want. I don't even need. Yeah, it was so fucking good for 350 a piece. They're so fucking delicious. These little steaks on the stick.

I'm like, I definitely got to fucking get one of these. So I cut through the fa, I went to the ferry fucking when I got on the ferry and not, and we all can go to the city. I got on the elevator after I parked and the girl came up to me. She's like, you went to school with my mom and I go, really? What's your mom's name? And she dropped and I'm like, fuck, I didn't just go to school with your mom. I used to fucking drink with your mom. You know, we all got in those little kid circles, you know, so I got to talk to her on the way over and then on the way back.

There was nobody on the ferry and I fucking stopped in Union City. There was some fucking homeless lady causing a big fucking problem. She stunk like garlic had died 10 times. Like she really did. I caught a whiff of her. But I, you know, I still remember being in the third grade and fucking sister Anna banana, not the one I attacked. Sister Anna was a very nice nun. She told me one time that you have to help homeless people from time to time.

Like that wasn't even a homeless epidemic. I didn't know how we got. Oh, we were talking about people asking you for money on the street to New York. And she made a comment to me. She goes, you never know that could be Jesus in disguise. And then when you die and you go to heaven, he could judge you in that same outfit on that fucking crushed me, bro. How can you turn Jesus down? You know what I'm saying?

Like, even if you don't like fucking God, if Jesus is looking for a quarter, you're like, you know what? Even though I'm Jewish, I'm a throne one just in case I need them later on. You know what I'm saying? Even if you're Chinese, you're like, I got to help Jesus. I got to throw him a dollar, you know, something. I got to give Jesus something, a lighter, something, a crack pipe. I just can't let him be because then he's going to come back to me later. So, you know, as dumb as I am, I'm getting my steak on the stick and she comes over.

And everybody was looking at it like she had three fucking heads. I could be honest with you, I didn't, you know, I'm a little old. I just looked at it like Jesus Christ. Look what society is doing. I ate my fucking steak on the stick. The guy kind of yelled at one of the guys there told to get away from the cart because she was outstinking the cart. And finally, as I turned to the car, I had like $7.80 in my pocket from the change because I gave the guy a 20. And I just gave it what I had, you know, and then I went in the car and I had like another fucking 20 bucks and I came out and I gave it to him.

And I went, have a great fucking day, you know, clean yourself up a little bit. But most importantly, get something to eat. She was talking to two other homeless people that were there eating, you know, that kind of shit always wears me out. But my niece had been calling me for a couple of weeks before that saying, hey, Uncle Joey, when are you going to come up and sign my book? I like my niece. I like my niece a lot. This is the runny family. I love them a lot, especially these two girls because their dad was one of the first fucking people that told me that I was dangerous.

It was after I booked co-case and I was here visiting. I was working some club in Jersey, some fucking shitty club and he called me up. No, I called them to talk to my sister and the husband said to me, Joey, I just watched you on co-case. He goes, I don't give a fuck when anybody tells you, you're pretty good at this shit. And, you know, like I told you that my friends always are the first people to put me down. Like, don't quit your day job and all that type of shit on the way back from the shows. He was one of those guys. So for him to say that to me, like threw me a fucking, you know, he's like, you're going to do well with this, keep doing it, you know, whatever the fuck.

So I always think about them and I call them a lot. And when I lived in LA, my nieces would come out and we go out to dinner now. My old niece is pregnant and Alyssa's just a fucking savage. So I went up to take a pic, you know, just to see him. They were working the projects. And I could have gone to, there was like 80,000 different voting places I could have gone to, you know, and try to be a big shot. I fucking pulled up with my little Subaru on the projects, you know, and I saw some of the people I hung out with. I saw some of the places I had done drugs on as a child.

There's a basketball court there and I remember playing basketball there specifically in 1981 and playing with these group of kids. And in between games, they would snort glue out of a fucking bag. And I'm like, wow, I'm to a different level. Trust me, I was a junkie too, but I wasn't fucking snorting glue. And what happened was the kid had pills in his sock, like an aluminum foil so they wouldn't melt or something. And when we were playing, the pills fell out and somebody picked them up and he's like threatening everybody. If I don't get my pills, so he got so worked up, he got a bag of glue. And while he's yelling at us, he's like, if I don't get my fucking pill back,

I'm going to kill one of these and we'll fucking die in a fucking laughter. But that's the first memory. Oh my God, I don't know what he was fucking having. But I was like, this is classic. This is what comes back to your memory. And I fucking got out and I drank some water and there were some guys that were working the polls. Now I'm not political guys. By no means am I political or do I have any political aspirations. I fucking hate it as a matter of fact.

And I hate how people have reacted to politics the last seven years. Everybody's fucking a political science fucking major now and everybody on the dick about dick included me. So I'm sitting there with my knees were talking, you know, it was a beautiful day in Jersey on Tuesday. Had to hit like 82 fucking degrees. It was just nice to be outside. You know, I had to get back here to take mercy to kickboxing where she's got fucking softball practice or whatever. So after a while, I got to get out of here. I took some pictures of some people who were there that I knew their parents or I knew them in some shape or form. And then they came over to me with a with a banner, you know, and I go, let's take a picture with the now this political system guys.

Since I've been gone is when they grew steam and momentum and they're a great political system, but I'm not close with them. How I was with the earlier regimes who were deemed to be criminals and whatnot, but I did. I was too stupid to know I was just a kid and they would always keep my basketball court clean and in my world, that was good enough for me. So I never really, you know, I knew Mayor Sacco from Lincoln School growing up. Great guy. Well, we're growing up, but I don't really. I know them from growing up, but I didn't really get involved in it or anything. You know, good for them.

You know, I'm really happy that they're doing what they're doing. So before they left, I know, listen, I'm not popular with them and I'm not popular up there and that's okay. I made my bed and I live in a daily fucking basis. But at the same time, I go, fuck it. Let me take a picture with with the banner with my niece. I figure people look at it as a joke. Holy fuck. This is why a lot of people need lives.

And I say this and it's not the best or confident thing to say or the most woke thing to say, but it's about time when people start getting lives back. The pandemic's been over for three fucking years. It's okay to get out of the basement and it's okay to get the fuck off your computer. It really is. It's okay because if you, you know, you really want entertainment. I tell people all the time, if you got a half hour to kill and you really want to see the state of the union, nevermind what a president tells you or there's a state of the union address. No, I'm going to tell you a real fucking state of the union. What you do is fucking wait till Rogan post and look at one of his posts.

Just read the comments. Besides all the face shit. Yeah, it's, it's, it's, uh, it's very sad when you read the comments. They're still talking about DMT. They're still talking about. It's because he's getting new followers from everything. No, no, no, no. But listen, if I'm looking at episode 108 and I know it was shot in 2012 and it's 2023.

It is. I didn't know you were so short. Does it really matter? You know what's taller than him? The stack of $100 bills that he has. So why you think you're making a foot? He's so short. When you're making that comment, no, that he's got two stacks of money.

Tall than him. You know, you read these comments and you're like, that's what I do. Sometimes if I'm in a doctor's office or a dentist's office and I'm bored, and I don't want to watch fucking the wheel, the time is right, whatever, the wheel of fortune, whatever the fuck they're doing on there. Yeah. I just go on, you go on Rogan's Instagram and read the comments and don't please read the comments when he cooked something.

Oh my God. A man is cooking on a fucking $10,000 grill. Okay. If you know anything about him, he's cooking elk or whatever the fuck he's cooking, that he shot 10 minutes ago or somebody just gave to him. And you're talking about a rinky, dink restaurant in Kentucky. You got to come to it. Shut the fuck up.

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After the NBA playoffs and the NHL playoffs, you just playing fucking baseball and you got nothing to do but scratch your ass till fucking August 15th. So get it on the NBA playoffs now. Use Kojoey. Alright, we're back, cocktuckers. I was never really a fucking mushroom guy. Let's get something straight.

I was always... I grew up in Jersey, guys. You know, I did mescaline, I did acid. I did, you know, all the variable fucking hallucinogenics, but there was no mushrooms in Jersey. They can't grow here in Jersey. I never really experienced mushrooms till 1983. It was a 4th to July weekend in 1983.

My roommate went away and left me, I don't know, a bag of mushrooms. I ate half of them. And I remember sitting on a bridge in Snowmass Village and just tripping my balls off, sitting on the bridge looking at the water, the fish jumping out of the fucking water. And I got sick later on.

I got diarrhea. My stomach got really bad. So that was my first experience with them. When I do them again, they weren't that bad. The taste wasn't so bad. And then I went down to Tempe, Arizona with my buddy and I smoked some mushrooms. And they weren't too bad.

They weren't too fucking bad, you know? We smoked them in like a big fucking Indian pipe. It was a peace pipe. In fact, I was smoking with some Indians. That's when you know you're fucking right there when the mother next to you has got a fucking feather. You know what I'm saying? So I never, again, I didn't know much about it.

I moved back to Colorado and within about a year, I bumped into a mushroom connection. And I would eat them from time to time. But again, it was always a stomach issue. And I remember one night specifically, you know, having diarrhea in my Snowmass house to when I house to that and tripping at the same time and holding onto my knees

because I thought the plane was going to crash. Like when the plane goes down, like hands between your knees, chest and knee, whatever the fuck. You know, and I kept, I'll never forget this, guys. I was tripping and I thought I had locked myself in the bathroom door and it became like a jet. Like I didn't know, you know, like on people like, oh my God, you're supposed to eat one gram.

Listen, I'm a fucking gorilla. I just took a handful out of them. They were brittle and dry. And I just drank a bunch of fucking water with them. So, you know, that night hit me a little worse than it should have hit me. I was holding onto my knees. And then I remember one point that the toilet flooded

because I couldn't stop wiping my ass with the paper. I sat there for like an hour and a half, guys, wiping, wiping, wiping, nothing was coming out. But the mushrooms were telling me, you know, the level was coming out of my ass like a fucking, like those things in Hawaii and the toilet flooded and the water popped out of the toilet. And I remember sitting on the tub, seeing an inch of water hit.

This is on fucking mushrooms, guys. And the next thing you know, I'm looking at the toilet paper, I'm thinking to myself, first I thought I was going to get electrocuted because it was floating. And I'm like, again, guys, you know, I'm half retarded. You should never give a retard mushrooms at that age. And then I kept looking at the paper, the toilet paper kept going. Hmm, in the middle of all this, I'm going, how many trees

did they cut down for me to just to wipe my ass now? You know, I'm not an environmentalist, but at that point, I became an environmentalist on the fucking mushrooms. I think they got some outdoor juice in them or whatever. And after that, yeah, after that guys, after that experience that night with the bathroom flooding and the trees and the fucking meat thinking I was going to crash the plane, there was no reason to do it.

It hit me a little too hard. And I'll never forget, I had another experience, maybe three weeks after that where I went to a trailer. My friend had a trailer and a mobile home and a lot of people weren't sleeping. A lot of people were sleeping at his house. It was before a wedding. And he goes, Joey, if you want, you could sleep out there.

I'm like, this motherfucker just saved my life because I thought I would have to go back to his house with people in it. And I would have to do coke in the bathroom all night while his in-laws and his grandmother and everybody were now. Now he put me on the trailer. I could watch TV out there, put my feet up and I could fucking shit and go to the bathroom all night. Nobody will know what I'm doing.

I could be up all fucking night. And I went to this guy's house at the time. And he was a coke dealer. He had just gotten out of doing time like his wife sold coke to a cop and he took the fall. He was a Mexican dude. He gave me this coke. And again, you know, when you don't listen to people,

I was always one of those people. He's like, Joey, I don't know what they put in this, but this shit is fucking strong. And I'm like, you know, okay, you know, and I didn't snort in town. I waited till I got up to his house in the mountains and I mingled with his family and I fucking went out to the goddamn, I went out to the goddamn RV, whatever it was.

And at one point, then I started snorting coke. And guys, it was like 12 o'clock. I'm drinking Coors Light after Coors Light. I looked at the garbage. There must have been 30 upside down Coors Light. That's when I could snort coke and drink. I was probably 30, 31 years old. It's four in the morning that garbage can is fucking filled

to the brim with Coors Light. And all of a sudden I look out into the horizon. You know, it was like the moon was the light. It was the outside. It's the mountains. And the way the moon was hitting the fucking thing, I started hallucinating from the speed in the coke. Something they had put in the coke was making me hallucinate.

And I kept seeing guys with ropes like commandos swing down with their handles and point machine guns at me and then fall into the cloth, into the puff of snow. And I'm like, I can't deal with this. First, I had the mushroom incident because I clearly remember going, I think it's time to stop doing fucking drugs. Because I just saw, I almost crashed a plane in the bathroom when I did the fucking mushrooms.

And I almost, and I just saw fucking, you know, commandos Arnold Schwarzenegger was coming down the tree with a bunch of other, and they all had white suits on and white Russian wool hats. I'm like, oh my God, I'm losing it. I'm losing it. And I'll never forget making a double note going, I gotta give drugs a break.

But if you knew anything about me, I was back at it four nights later. But over the years, you know, I've eaten them. Some guy gave me a pound of them, and I had them in the office for a few weeks. Lee ate them and got sick. You know, they were never my big thing. A couple of years ago, people started talking about

the therapeutic values of mushrooms. And micro dosing and what else? Again, I don't even know where to start. You know, I was going through my own fucking nightmares. So I was thinking that maybe if I get my hands on some mushrooms, this shit would work out for me, you know. So I was like, okay, maybe I'll just get some mushrooms, but I didn't know where to start.

And then about eight months ago, a friend of mine came over and he goes, I want you to try this. And he gave me some sillies, mushroom gummies. And they were okay, you know, they did the trick, I guess, you know, and they didn't do anything to me like people described, I have a hard time breathing on them. Like when I eat mushrooms and I go for a long walk, I'm choking on my breath, you know, like it's hard to breathe,

even though on it uses those other mushrooms to help you breathe. I forget what the shroom tech, shroom tech immune, shroom tech sports. So I'm like, you know, I don't know if I should eat these things. Fast forward to this week. The sillies sent me some chocolate bars. They wanted me to try them doing a chocolate bar. They got a tiramisu and they got a dark chocolate, you know, tiramisu for the Italians in my neighborhood.

And I went and they have other flavors, but I wanted to try the dark chocolate. And yeah, it's set to eat four pieces. So I've been eating four pieces two nights in a row and nothing had really happened. I didn't even get clarity. I don't know if this chocolate hits different. The next night I showed up with eight pieces

and my daughter had a softball game. And guys, I haven't been in touch with God in a long fucking time, okay? Every time you get high, you see the devil, not this night. I was right there with God. I was on the softball field. The sky couldn't have been any bluer. The sun was gone already kind of sort of, but there were no clouds in the sky.

Well, yeah, there was no clouds. The sky was just blue. And I was watching the picture in my daughter and all the girls on the field. And the blue from the sky was like humming. And it was just feeling there. And I remember just going, oh shit, I've entered the motherfucking pterodome.

And I was as happy as I've been since my mother gave me birth. Like I was to that point, like I'm like, the only thing that can make me happy and this is me being naked and my mother holding me with two hands and shaking me. Like that's how warm I felt. And it didn't last for a long time.

It just felt like that's like 13 minutes. Then I went back into my buzz and I enjoyed watching the fucking games. And you know what, my Wednesday was great and my Thursday was great. So last night I ate more fucking pieces. No, like two night, Friday night,

I ate more pieces and I had some ABX edibles that night to balance them out. Yeah, I ate like eight ABX edibles. I ate like 1600 milligrams. It was Friday, baby. It's millitime, bitch. You know, it's millitime. We had a great week, law and order. We went audio fucking the bookman on the charts.

We got to celebrate. I'm 60, what do you want me to do? Go out and hang out with chicks and jump up and down. They don't want to see me. So I did the next best thing. I got high and I went to my daughter's softball game. What do you want from me? Because it gets in my fucking world right now.

You know, and I felt bad this week. Theo was in town. I really want to go up there and it was really Wednesday night when I did those mushrooms at the softball game because that was the night that the game was supposed to. Yeah, I told you, we got a 530 game. I should be out there by seven. It was a 615 game.

I didn't get out there to fucking eight something and then the parents were talking shit. The mushrooms had me going and then to make it fucking even worse, I dropped my daughter home and it's said to take the 18 north to get into something and as soon as I got the 18 north, the truck fucking skid. I mean, three miles from me, I saw the smoke

and I had already passed the exit. So now I got stuck there for an hour and 10 minutes until the cops came and pushed the truck and had to go. And instead of pulling the right lane, they started from the left lane. So I was in the right lane stuck for fucking an hour and 10 minutes. Thank God I had gasoline. And thank God I had a fucking, one of those,

no, I didn't have no gummies. I had a joint to tame down the mushroom. I had one of those little joints with the fucking thing and that was enough for me, my friend. So that was my fucking savior. But I felt, you know, listen, guys, I'm a firm believer in energy and follow. Come on, man.

I'm fucking, I get all the way home. I dropped my wife and daughter off. I get to get back in the car. The thing takes me away. I've never been before because usually it just tells me to pick up the turnpike. And all of a sudden there's a truck accident. I drive on the 18 every fucking day for one reason or another.

And all of a sudden I see a fucking truck accident and nobody got hurt or nothing like that. It's just something happened with the tires. I don't know, I didn't ask the fucking cops. I just wanted to get the fuck out of there. But it's funny, like I always tell people, some nights, man, you just let it go. Something didn't want you to go there.

Something or something. I work off energies a lot. Some nights, listen, they don't want you to go there. The other night my friends invited me to dinner. I knew where I was walking into. I was going to cause a problem because I didn't want to see one of my friends there. The friend that I didn't want to see

never shows up to those dinners, okay? And I know he doesn't want to see me. But the other night, Thursday night, I go, you know what? It's time for me to go up there and meet with these guys. They always invite me to dinner. So what if I have a problem with one of the guys? He's not going to show up anyway. I got home from kickboxing.

My daughter's like that, let's go eat tonight. I'm like, God damn it. Usually on Thursdays they just want to go upstairs and watch something that comes on TV. And they make something to eat, something simple. Not that night. They wanted to go. So now I ended up going with them to get sushi at like 6.15.

I didn't get out until like 7.30. By the time I got up north it's 8.30. I'm like, you know what? Something didn't want me to go up there. Next fucking day I go on Facebook. He was there. They took a picture and he was there. So sometimes I just left.

I let the timing. I don't push things sometimes, you know? If you're not supposed to be there, you get pissed for two minutes, then you go, wow. I went home, got high and had a Carvel shake and it was better than any time I would have with them. So it's just weird how life works itself out. And that's it, motherfuckers.

It's Monday, the 15th, we're at the halfway mark. And it's going to be another fucking great week. Everything is coming into play and I'm feeling better and everything is working out. I don't know what podcast I'm doing this week. I think I got to get back on Sickler, give him some love. And that's it. Sickler, cocksuckers, when I get the book signings in,

I'll keep you posted. But what I think I'm going to do is I'm waiting until I do that TV thing for the 24th and then I should have dates because it'll be a lot easier to announce them on that News 12. So they probably won't get the dates to about the fucking 24th of May.

But I really want to see you guys. I really want to sign your book. I don't want to do any theaters or any comedy clubs. I don't want to do that. And then should like charge you again for the book. Just come to borders. I don't care if you bought the book at Barnes & Nobles. Put it under your fucking purse and come in and sign.

And we'll get a giggle and you can fucking leave and jump up and down. Beside that, I love you motherfuckers with all my heart. Stay black. Have a great week. And I'll be in touch. If you need me for anything, go to my Patreon. It's a fin to get in.

And that's it, cocksuckers. I love you to all my heart. Have a great week and I'll see you next week. Tip. Top. Motherfucking Magoo. And now for a word from my goddamn sponsors. All right.

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