Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #246 - Maz Jobrani, Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: January 8, 2015

Maz Jobrani, Comedian and Actor in movies like "Friday After Next," joins in to Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Nature Box. Visit Naturebox.com and use promo code Joey for a free trial box Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/joey for 20% off. Iron Dragon TV. A New Roku channel with all the best martial arts films. Use Code word joey for two free rentals. Wed. January 7th at 2pm. Visit NanoTech's booth at CES to meet UFC Star Tim Kennedy. Their booth number is 15423 Recorded live on 01/06/2015.Music:LA Woman - The DoorsMe So Horny - 2 Live Crew

This show is sponsored by Nature Box. Nature Box chips great tasting healthy snacks right to your door. Forget the vending machine and start snacking smarter with healthy and delicious treats like dark cocoa almonds. Support this podcast by ordering a free Nature Box sampler box at naturebox.com slash joey. That's right free nature box snacks are found at naturebox.com slash joey. They send you four small bags, one big one. It's great to have at the house. It's better than eating potato chips. Really the really good nature box.com slash joey. Go to meatundies.com slash joey and check out the picks of all the men's and women's underwear they have. For girls they have hot looking boy shorts. Go to meatundies.com slash joey or go to joeyds.net and click on the meatundies banner and get 20% off

of your first order and right now they're giving you free shipping if you live in the United States in Canada. Go to onnet.com and use Colbert Church to get 10% off of any of their great supplements. Alpha brand new mood, trim tech immune, trim tech sport. They have the stay on it program. It's codeword church to get 10% off and go to irondragontv.com and use codeword joey to get two free rentals of all of the great martial arts movies. Iron Dragon TV is a brand new Roku channel has all of your favorite martial arts movies. They have a great series with onnet now. They're showing a lot of onnet videos on there. So it's codeword joey to get two free rentals and go to nanotech booth 15423 at CES tomorrow at 7 at 2 p.m. Sorry

it's the first fucking Tuesday of the year here you are sitting there like a fucking mutt oh shit spark that motherfucking bong uncle joey's coming for lunch bitches what oh shit the church of what's happening now coming at you the flying jew in the house but oh shit oh shit if you ever get a chance see uh the doors live from the hollywood bowl watch this mother fuck that tear this it's a little more mellow than you're into that fucking bass he's working with a little girl in a hollywood bong alone are you fucking kidding

me are you a lucky little lady in the city of life hey oh there's another lost angel city at night what are you fucking kidding me turn that shit off fucking tremendous uh church of what's happening now special edition on tuesday afternoon majeure brandy's in the mother fucking house the flying jews in the mother fucking house and my fucking main man damon's wicker's in the fucking house here what's up joey how you doing baby all fired up uh to me honest to god i'm a big landed skinny guy and i'm a big led zeppelin guy

one of the best written songs is that song yeah it's got everything listen to the beginning the first two minutes takes you through a fucking then he soothes you down then he finger fluctuates and then he just blows up in your face he's been a then he got arrested for jerking off to that mr mojo rising he'd have his dick out he'd be fucking banging on how long is that song that's song is tremendous that's what they were that's what's crazy is they used to do long songs they didn't give a fuck yeah they don't do that if you could cover the spread you could do whatever the fuck you want yeah that is a covered spread i see your hair is burning hills are filled with fire if they said i never loved you you know i was a liar are you are you fucking and he wrote that

here on a hill get his dick sucked eaten acid there's none better there's none fucking better you know what are you gonna do at least i had this is the kind of shit you eat at the bulls and you go home and you go what the fuck was i thinking i thought i was funny no but they used to that's the thing is that the the world we're living out they don't do you can't really you can't do a long song like the dude does anybody do i guess the techno DJs they have a hard time fucking walking these fucking morons yeah yeah never mind a long fucking song these guys are musicians man do do me a favor if you ever every monday go on vh1 and see on friday night the friday night concert and if they ever have the doors live from fucking just tape and watch and just

watch what he was doing at that point what he was doing was fucking phenomenal phenomenal mind your brawny in the joey dears how you doing how you doing baby what's happening nothing man good to see you baby good to see you i'm so happy you came on you're one of the guys we check in from time to time we stay in touch always so nice man always always been like that you're one of my all-time fucking favorites right back after me never fucking judged you were just a soldier and shit that's right science what's going on your life ish it was this movie monday night movie money i made a movie that's the one you wanted me to do that friday and i was leaving town yeah yeah thank you for thinking no of course man no i did a i did a movie it's called jimmy vestwood american hero

which is basically like a persian pink panther like it's like it's like this persian dude it's this iranian dude who's obsessed with being an american hero because he was a big fan of steve mcqueens back in iran and he finally wins the green card lottery to come to america and he wants to come to america and be a cop like mcqueen was in bullet he wants to just be a cool dude and he shows up at the best job he can get living in westwood is working as a as a security guard at a grocery store and then somehow he stumbles his way into this plot to start world war three there's like a dick cheney type who's looking to start world war three so he can sell uh uh drones because he's got he's an arms manufacturer so he tries to set this guy up as a terror suspect

so that he can prove to america that iran is out to get america and then he can start a war with iran but now jimmy vestwood has to save the day somehow and he stumbles his way through it and he saves the day and it's a comedy it's like a pink panther type comedy and uh after seeing it and thinking about it i've realized that it's a movie that's for like 13 to 15 year old boys and stoners i think they're gonna love this movie so if you fart and giggle this is the movie for you fart and giggle there's fart in the movie there's get i'm serious it's a fun movie it's silly it's not one of you know it's a movie where you gotta go and you can't you can't like go there with like a critical like mind to go like what you know oh he you know whatever like oh what's the

statement you know what i'm saying it's like you can't overthink it that's what i'm trying to say you gotta just go there say i'm gonna have fun with this movie and i i enjoy i think we did a good job you know we i i co-wrote it i star in it i produced it i co-produced it and i tried to get all my friends in it and it's tough making a movie is tough man we raise the money i have such a respect now for filmmakers because of filming see as comedians we get on stage we do 15 to 20 minutes it go well it go poorly if it goes poorly you move on you go to the next club you do another set that night life goes on you tweak it right there on stage if you're having a bad set middle of the show you go what's wrong with you people and you start going at them you have a

good time you move on movie is very different you spend years writing it you spend years raising the money convincing some dude that he should put his money into your project getting the money together getting it done we did a three week 18 day shoot six days a week i mean it was intense then you go into the editing and you go oh wow this movie is different than what i thought it was gonna be like i heard some somebody said that ron howard said uh you make a movie three times one time on the page one times on set one time on set one time in editing so we're done with editing and like the movie was it like an hour and 25 and we did a screening at an hour and 25 and like what we thought was funny all these funny little scenes put together for an hour and 25 started

to drag and i was like oh no we're done but then we went back when we edited some more and we brought it down to like an hour and 17 we lost eight minutes and now it moves then we put music and it moves even more and i was like oh we got something now it's you got this thing and it's like having a baby you go i got this baby and it's a cute baby but now you got to get a distributor that'll come on board with you to go yeah let's get this out there because what distributors go they go well is tom cruise in this you go no is will ferrell no is so-and-so no how am i supposed to market this well tell you what you got to do is you got to think outside the box this is me talking to the distributor you got to think outside the box and realize i got a fan base and we can

do something like they did with borat and get this out and just leak it to little like younger kids and get some billboards out in the specific cities where i have a fan base and we could target these people and get this into limited release and let it build but now i got to convince distributors that that's the strategy that they should take otherwise i got to distribute it myself yeah i was gonna say have you thought about doing interview style what do you mean oh yeah well that was doing online well that's the idea the idea is that that could be the next next way to go the problem is someone's got a call the the problem is that um you know again even to do it interview style i could put it out there and go here it is guys five bucks a pop do it

but i could probably get like i don't know 10 20 maybe 30 000 people might do it but if i can get someone to have some money in advertising i read about some of these movies that they make some of these like romantic comedies that you know is just going to be stupid and they'll make it for like 12 million and they'll spend 20 million on on advertising so you go oh shit 20 million on advertising so i need someone to put a little bit of money into it so it just goes beyond just my twitter facebook and whatever instagram you know i'm saying but the cool thing is is like you could put it out online and then maybe our distributor will like it and then those people who already paid for it online if they love it and they love you they'll go and see it again yeah absolutely i think

the main thing is my my hope is that some distributor will come on board listen we'll sink some money into some billboards and just some things just whatever just some advertising and we'll do an la new york san francisco release let's see what happens you know i'm saying if i could get that i'd be i think we'd be in good shape but regardless of what it is the good news is we made it for a little amount of money compared to what they make movies for and uh and i think it's got potential man and and you know it's the hustle i keep telling people in this business in life no one's going to hand you anything you got to create your own opportunities you know and and that's what we're trying to do here we're trying to do that and it was great i was able to

call up friends and say come on the set and be a part of this movie and that's half the battle it's just getting your friends into a film so you can have fun and have the history when you make the film so that's that man that's what i got going let me ask you something i've never known this it's uh how does an investor make money on a movie you come to me and you go i want to make this movie joy for seven million and you give me two and i go i like to script that much you got a couple people in there you tell me about your little iranian fan base and some white people you got new york because i know a ton of white people you go watch it yeah and that's not all about the fucking iranians leave them alone they're working hard those people working hard and uh you i give

me the seven mil where's my money i think it's i think it's it's first of all it's a gamble right so if you're if you're someone who's got seven million to give towards a movie you're probably someone who's made a lot of money right i got so you got money you got money elsewhere and you could probably make that money elsewhere better than you could do it in the movie in a movie i mean the movie is like it's a it's a long shot in many ways unless if i sit say to you listen i got i do i have brad pit tom cruise i got all these i got angelina julie we all lined up ready to go and then you go okay great no matter what happens even if it's shit someone's gonna buy this and watch it and there'll be some money coming in but ultimately you know like what we did was we did

we did an indiegogo campaign like a kickstarter and we raised some of the money there that was basically the base money and that's just people giving you money to go for it they're like i support you let's do this after that i had a few people come on board who were like listen i got money elsewhere i want to support you i want to try this i want to get into this world and check it out now it's a long shot the chances are so if i make that money for that movie let's say let's say it is a just to make it round numbers this is a million dollar movie if i make that money for that movie for a million a producer one time told me once you start making two and a half times the investment that's when you start getting profit well they're hoping for like a paranormal activity

sort of thing where to cost a million and you make a hundred million exactly or or or even listen if you make them if you make it for a million and make 10 million you've made money everyone's made money because i don't know what the exact math is but i guess like like a couple million in now you're starting to make some money off of that because because what happens is when you invest the first money that comes in goes back to you the money goes back to you plus a percentage so usually what you'll say is so oh you're gonna give me a million i gotta give you on the money that we make i mean i gotta give you a million back plus 15 percent once that's been given back then we go back and we start paying the people and i learned all this as i went through it then we gotta pay

people who got deferred payments on the on the film so for example you got a movie star to be in there and they said i'm gonna take a little money now and i'll take the rest of it once money starts coming in well i gotta start i gotta pay that guy i gotta pay the deferred payments once those have been paid now we start splitting the money half the pool goes to the investor the other half goes to the creative team from there on all the profits so ultimately it's a it's you're taking a gamble on it right but you gotta sit there and look at it and go all right you know i think this has potential let's do it and a lot of people a lot of investors you know a lot of big money guys put money in and they get burned once or twice they go i'm done i don't want to do this shit anymore

i'd rather just go and make my money off my real estate where i know what i'm doing like the people who get spider-man too and you know those type of movies they've been doing it for 30 fucking years they're in well that's a so that's that that's a studio that's a studio and that that's where this what we just talked about comes in so those guys go they spent a hundred million on the film another 200 million on advertising so you can't avoid it you go to mcdonald's it's on a cup you go you're driving down the street it's on four billboards on every corner of la cienega and venice so after the movie then you have i know that there's like there's a movie on HBO right now a showtime it's uh uh ray leota the ice man no is it on the ice man was on

uh HBO with ray leota yes i saw that i saw that but what was the one that he's on with uh justin tim blake's wife where she plays a stripper and he plays a father we've discussed this movie true blue powder blue amando casillos the hotdog man right powder blue has the black powder blue who's in the movie read the listen to this line yeah this is a oh yeah there's a lot of people and hold on this is a hundred dollars would ever jessica bill force but a girl ray leota lisa kudrow patrick swazy chris christopherson and that's pretty much what this is a hundred dollar day movie that they shot on gardener and sunset it's it's it's it's they switched they went from the toy store to the tie place and then they crossed the street it's amazing they shot it

on that area oh wow at night the whole thing and i talked to amanda casillo i saw him in amanda how'd you get that movie because it was a hundred dollar day movie i go how didn't that movie hit patrick swazy plays the strip club owner with a wig he's getting his dick sucked by japanese chicks and shit and bill plays the stripper tremendous and ray leota plays her father who comes out of jail he doesn't tell her he's the father he's getting lap dancers all fucking creepy and the other guy plays a fucked up black dude that wants somebody to shoot him okay that's what i mean it's fucking crazy movie so you ask yourself how come this movie didn't get released so i asked amanda what happened with this movie he goes they ran out of advertising money

yeah they had no advertising money yeah and you sit there and go how do i know about this movie that's what happens yeah that was it on all day movie got the show time they probably made a little money yeah whatever the licensee i don't know how it works they released it in kazakhstan and russia in the theaters and then everywhere else was dvds i'm telling you man listen that's the that's the thing is you need the advertising money and that's the battle is trying to convince somebody who doesn't know who you are that doesn't know that there's a potential for this and how many times have you seen the the billboards all over town you go see the movie a shit most of the time yeah most of the time but you went and saw it because they really did they they they swung at the fences

that first weekend grudge match how much advertising they put into that movie nobody went to see it well that happens too but then but then that then you got to look at who were you up opening against what kind of reviews were coming in you know reviews could bury you if they a lot of times they don't even like my philosophy on this whole interview i haven't seen the interview i want to see it but everybody from what i've heard it was not that good of a movie wasn't so my thought my thought is when sony saw the out they were like well shit this is a good way to get out and stop spending any more money they've already spent a lot of money on it and let's do it this way this is a smart way they created a buzz and they made a few million i wasn't gonna see it but then when you

thought north korea was behind it but then it just probably basically turned out to be a huge marketing scam but yeah but there's a lot of stuff that could be released online and it's kind of cool because it shows studios that for some stuff they could i don't know how much how big your budget was and it's a little bit shorter than most theatrical release a little bit not that much yeah but for five bucks online who wouldn't spend but here's the thing so it's so something like that got so much press like you just said they did a limited release in a couple cities they said they had all the shows were sold out people were watching it online it was over the holidays people are home anyway yeah five bucks i'll watch it why not right so they created this buzz that then made

people go and say i'm curious um and somebody i had this i had this discussion when uh when i was shooting when i was trying to sell my last special and uh i was i brought up the louis ck model i said listen he shot his special put it on his website said five bucks a pop and within a week he sold like 200 000 or some crazy units right he sold a million but yeah but they those the distributors i was in the meeting with they said well you know that worked for louis but a lot of guys came on board and tried to do the same thing and i don't know what kind of numbers the other guys got but they were saying like some of these guys got like 20 000 sold or 15 000 that's a decent number for comedian that's fantastic but but you're not necessarily making your money back so that's

that becomes the issue with putting it online is you have to be able to still spend some money on advertising or somehow come up with something a smart it ultimately is a smart advertising campaign where people beyond your loyal fan base of whatever that is 10 000 people that are really loyal to buy whatever you do you got to get it so that other people go what the hell is this yeah you know i'm saying because i because you could point at the interview and go wow they they they made a few million in one in in a few days well that's because they were all over the news you know the the north korea was talking about them right so of course you're gonna see it so i got to find a way to get north korea i mean i was joking at that at the when that was going on

because the movie talks you know it has political stuff in there i was joking i was like we should have killed uh uh uh the one you know a leader of iran in the movie just to get the press you know but we didn't you know it's not that you know so that's that's the difficulty it's like having this baby you go hey this kid is cute and and people going like well he's not the kind of cute we're looking for well every comedian is different louis ck didn't need the internet what i'm saying he didn't need the internet support with his popularity yeah but there's other comedians that maybe you don't know about they're just internet savvy yeah you know myself hbo isn't kicking my door down to shoot a special need this comedy central so in my mind to shoot a special i'm going to do without

a pocket doing my own i'm gonna look at my twitter i'm gonna say i got 150 000 people following me on twitter let's pretend if 20 000 of those people are real so that's 30 000 people at five dollars what that's i come out to 150 150 my special shouldn't cost over 40 000 dollars right it shouldn't right unless those scumbags are gonna shoot it from burbank and tell your cost 200 000 and then then they're also you know so everybody's different i know 10 comics right now that are mediocre in numbers but they have a great internet presence absolutely and these guys there's money there if it cost you 50 you net fucking a hundred thousand dollars and you could still sell your special netflix and get another 60 on top of that yeah that's money guys that's that's

real listen i ran into this with the with the funding for the movie so what we did was we got indiegogo to to come on board or whatever we went to indiegogo to do the the thing we and i posted it and we said okay let's go we said let's set our goal at 250 000 just to see if we can get that because what happens is they take a certain percentage and once you reach your goal they take a higher percentage so i said well let's just make our goal really high so no matter what they only get five percent along the way even because indiegogo is different than kickstart a kickstart you got to hit your number or you don't get any of the money so if you say my goal is 50 you better hit 50 if you hit 49 000 you don't get any of it but indiegogo has something called flex funding

which is you go on and you go my goal is a million and you make five bucks you keep the five bucks because it's flex funding all right so that's what we did we said let's do flex funding at 250 000 now at the time i had on facebook like 130 000 followers or something so exactly like you said i said listen if if even if even like half those people put in a dollar we're at 65 000 out the gate right we put it up we go let's do this and like within a week or two we'd made like 7 000 dollars just crickets nobody's responding i keep posting i keep posting nothing now contrary to when i post something and i go hey here's a free video i might get like a thousand likes or or or just people just a lot of people on board i would post this thing give me five bucks for this thing

and i get like 10 likes or something and i was like what's going on well i went into the numbers and i looked at it first of all i realized that i had like 40 000 followers in egypt or something and those are probably not even real i don't even know but i was but jokingly i was like well i can't make a movie but i could probably start a revolution like if i said meet me at tahir square it's going down but secondly we realized that a lot of people now are used to getting free entertainment all of us you get this clip you watch it right some people still get the concept that we are artists creating stuff and they go i want to support you i'll give the one dollar give the five dollars i think that's what louis did that was smart was uh his website he put it out there he said listen

guys this is a movie i just made my special i made for whatever 200 grand it's going to cost you five dollars i know you could probably pirate this and get get away with it but i would hope that you would support me and the people that made it and blah blah blah and people came on board they were they were like you know what he made a good argument for this and then and then once he made that million he came out and put another email out and said guys this is what i'm going to do with the money i'm going to give a hundred grand bonus to the people that worked on it i'm going to put a hundred grand towards my kids college funds i'm going to give a hundred grand to charity and i'm going to put the rest but but he actually kept so people were involved

and they were on board so you got to have a fan base that's also supportive and understands that so there's that as well so for me i know that there's a lot of people in my fan base that do support but i also know there's a lot of people in my fan base hey it's just it's just the natural thought process from my culture middle eastern people they're like give me one it's a what's wrong with the bootleg you know it's all right i'm supporting you i'll come see you live but you know what i've seen you live several times a bought a bunch of tickets so i'm going to take this one for free that's mentality is there so that's another thing you got to fight you understand so so i understand what you're saying when you look at your twitter followers and you go

hey if i put it out there they probably will give the five bucks and hopefully they're supportive and understanding of your art enough to do that but i have a fear that some people are not going to be some people just want your free jokes they want the free jokes they want the free podcast they want the they want all the free stuff especially younger people that ah you know unless if you again like you make a good argument go listen let's do this together let's get out there and do so there's a lot of people who will pirate it there's a lot of people who will do that but i think there's also a lot of people who might pay ten dollars for it or might or might buy it two or three times so i think it even i don't know if it evens out but it gets

close to it i think well absolutely listen man there's been guys i've been i've sold merchandise of my shows before and there's always the guy who comes up and goes give me ten of these i want ten i'm gonna give it out to my friends and i go this guy gets it this guy's a baller he knows what's up he's supporting me and he's helping me you know but there's also the guys who will come up and be like hey man come on man you threw out some free t-shirts you didn't give me one come on man i got i got one of those the other day i was like someone's like can you hook me up with a shirt i was like i know i used his line i said not really yeah like you can hook you up with a shirt so it's but that's why that's why i think it's you gotta go beyond and it is kind of like what you were saying

like being internet savvy if you're able to get people to help you get the word out because you gotta think so if i have a guy who's a real hardcore fan if he understands that he should take that clip or that movie and share it with five of his friends and go yo hey guys get on board it's kind of like having foot soldiers you know i'm saying it's like in any town when you go to the town to do a show if you can find the social butterfly in every little group and go listen i'm coming out bring ten of your friends have them buy tickets i'll give you two free tickets have your friends buy some tickets come on out have a good time you need those foot soldiers to go out and hustle for you to get this so because we don't have the money that uh that uh

some of these you know studios have to go because that's what happens the studio's put it all over the place and then kids are in the car with their parents to go we got to go see spider-man and the parents go okay we'll go see spider-man we got nothing else to do so we don't have the money to do that so we got to go grassroots you know what i'm saying so that's kind of the battle i'm in is it's one part of it is creating your own product the next part comes in selling your own product you know what i'm saying like i i wrote a book to this coming out in february and i got to get the word out about that and i got people going like well i don't read and i'm like well buy the thing and give it out as a gift use it as a coaster i'm trying to come

up with funny commercials to funny posts to put on facebook where i'm like lip syncing the different songs because i'm selling tickets to shows and if you buy a ticket to the show you get the book right so it's like having now i got the merchandise now it's getting people to buy it the amazing education that we've learned this comics is i i i never really knew rosanne coming up or anything but it was a conversation she had that made me feel like a a fucking savage she had a conversation with who's the guy on tv late night that not let him in on one of those guys the other guy rose charlie rose charlie rose she was talking to charlie rose and she said uh they asked her about abc you see you saw that i've talked

to you about brilliant brilliant they said to her you know when you did your abc party what did you why did you throw the executives out of the christmas party like she went fucking and why did you fire everybody and why did you put your own writers you know at the comedy store she took certain writers for certain things and she said listen we motherfuckers don't get us there's all these people involved but as comedians we do everything we direct we write we produce we do everything you know now with social media they've added marketing which either you suck or you don't i always sucked at it because i was always embarrassed but eventually you have to go on social media and that's added that's a different talent you know

anybody could twitter but they say no they don't want to twitter 140 characters we have friends that are horrible twitters and we have friends that can't fucking write they can't spell that you know twitter to me is is a gift yeah because i work on my stand i work on one line something crazy happens i'll type it out and then there's words oh it's 180 words now within 10 minutes you'll have it down to fucking 140 and i was talking to dane cook who's very good with social media and he made a good point to me he goes listen man he goes he says something like i don't know what his percentage was but he was saying like he's like 75 percent of the stuff i post i try to make it entertaining then another like you know five percent is just serious you know whatever you know

steady stick to your dreams but but and then the then the other 20 percent or whatever what are i'd say 75 20 we know what i'm saying the last percentage of it he said is announcements of i'm gonna be here i'm gonna be there because if all you do is i'm gonna be here i'm gonna be there eventually they're lost that's just that's just that's just direct marketing get three five tickets for my shows yeah i'm gonna do that yeah you gotta talk with them i love the relationship i have with people on twitter and facebook yeah there's people i have conversations with for a year and then they come to a show and we meet and we're friend i love it i love what it's become two years ago i fucking hated it yeah i thought it was retarded people following you what am i swami yeah

i'm gonna have people fucking follow i don't know if i then you start thinking about what it's really about yeah it's this friendship that you have with this fucking computer this energy and i see it in the mornings i have people come with me in the show and go oh man the other day you put a killy's last man that knocked me off my fucking chair really a fucking song yeah that you could access yourself on you you know little fucking things so i've learned it's been maro it's been tremendous it's been then's you know i never expected to even be gone a fucking computer yeah and i love it i have no uh you have to market as a comic and we've met comedians for years they used to pack rooms and they were horrifically bad and you go how does that guy pack rooms he's a marketing specialist

yeah there's people who give banners and go out the malls and shit i can't go to a mall and give you a fucking flyer yeah no it's part of listen man it's part i always say that we have to be very entrepreneurial like i got my like at any given time i've got like i'm pitching a tv show i'm working on a movie i'm writing a book i'm trying to get an app going i'm tweeting you've got to be we have to be entrepreneurial because ultimately we are our own product and everything that comes you look at woody allen when woody allen started making movies he took all of his jokes and started putting them into his movies when i made my movie i took some of the jokes and i put them in my movie when i would pitch my tv show two years ago i pitched a tv show to cbs and i was

like i don't know what i'm gonna pitch and i was like wait a minute i've been working on this the whole time on stage i go i'm gonna what i'm gonna do is i'm gonna tell the story about the russian basketball coach with my son uh in the room that'll get him laughing i'll talk about my guatemala nanny and i'll talk about my two kids won't let me sleep and i just wanted to pitch and they were like we love it but i hadn't even thought about it i didn't have to sit there from the start and go what is it i go i know what it is it's this material right so we're constantly writing we're constantly being and that's a beautiful thing i tell a lot of people from a lot of different aspects you know people think how do i make it how do i go don't worry about that just just create your own opportunities

just keep finding ways to create your and we ultimately we're in the trenches doing that and it's a great thing that's why rozan brought those people that's why when i now when i go out to pitch a show i'm trying to convince the producers that i'm pitching with to go listen i don't want some dude that i don't know who is a showrunner who used to write on taxi 30 years ago but he's because he did that his he continues to run shows we have a totally different sensibility you're gonna put me in a room with him and say give him your ideas he's gonna turn this into a show i don't need to do that i got 10 guys at the comedy store who i know are good writers we're my buddies we got the rhythms down let me bring them in let's come up with some some funny

ass shit and then let's go to this network this cable network his cable network will probably be more likely to do this absolutely here you go this is what it is you know this is what it is let us do our own thing like the guys did with workaholics they did their own thing and now they're doing it you know so you need you know you need to kind of you do need to control it you do need to stop you know having people push stuff on you and and and you need to prove yourself over and over and over again we did we proved ourselves with the Axis Evil comedy tour before the Axis Evil comedy tour nobody thought there was a market for comedians of a middle eastern background they're like what does that got what is that at all right they didn't get it there's

black comedy there's latino comedy there's right you know regular comedy there's alternative comedy who's going to come see a bunch of middle eastern guys and we had to go out and start book on our own we got our own we eventually got our own theater in dc and sold out 1400 seats and then we went to san francisco and sold out a thousand seats and then that's when our managers and agents were like you who was the promoter we go we were the promoter they go how'd that happen we go people want to hear this this is during the bush administration there's a lot of lying and bullshit going on and we're calling them on it and people not just middle easterners but white people they're called liberal people were coming liberals were coming out going like oh we

love this shit so we go wow there's an audience for this so that finished and it's continued now for me i've continued to tour there's an audience there's an audience but like you were saying try to convince some of these networks that there's an audience for this let's try and push one one of these you know they still are probably they're just they were nervous to get you know christella back on you know they were nervous to get a latina on they're nervous when they get blackish oh it's a hit they're like how's this a hit well that's just an audience you know i have a chinese show the japanese show on abc yeah they went all out they said fuck it we got to get the japanese market and you know they got a fucking indian show cooking and you know they got a couple ryanians

somewhere arguing in the back room but that's the problem but that's the problem is that i think that they feel like there's not going to be an audience but there is if you do it right if you get the grassroots going you got to keep proving yourself because that's where i am with this movie right now is trying to prove myself again and go look there's an audience for this let's get this out there because ultimately it's like it's amazing to me because you think everybody knows you until you go somewhere and you do a show and someone comes up and goes who are you where i have a night you know you get somebody like some big wig from sony or something walking up where have you been where have i been i've been at the comedy store for 15 years what the fuck have you been where have

you been but that's the problem but here's the problem though you also can't blame them because they're in their world right we're ultimately a product we're coca-cola and they haven't seen we're we're coca-cola's knockoff we're the we're the soda that they haven't seen they're used to singing because every time there's a movie being pitched they're going okay so what we're gonna do is we're gonna get will ferrell we're gonna get ben stiller and we're gonna get um and these guys are great guys by the way i'm not dissing them i'm just saying that's what happens we're gonna get this guy this guy this guy this guy and there's a new kid who's friends with will ferrell so we're gonna get him into and that's it that's all they see the key word i gotta piss real quick

go to the conversation you said the key fucking word and the key word in this conversation was outside the box they refuse to think outside the box and they get the same results over and over i understand sony's a corporation and they're gonna put out 22 projects a year and eight even are gonna be successful and four of them are gonna be horrible and they expect that but to take those four projects and keep rewriting them with the same fucking people is what baffles me you know there's a movie coming out dirty grandpa with deniro and josh effron the good-looking kid right zack effron funny what i read was funny they have a roll in there that if you see it on paper it's me it's me my agent said spot smoke an older guy goes to a fucking resort town stays

you know opens up a bodega whatever the fuck he does he's into gambling and drugs you know not a bad guy he's not a criminal he's just one of those guys at the fucking loser that's me no no we we gotta go with zack robinson crick robinson or the guy from portlandia not for nothing yeah you know it's been done let's think somebody they don't they refuse yeah then they get the same fucking results and they can't figure out what the fuck is happening my pet peeve right now it's comedy clubs that don't know about a podcast that you get there and they look at you like so how many people performing it's a podcast so is it singing and dancing it's a podcast so is there an opera it's a fucking podcast are you a fucking moron do you know what's going on you

fucking moron it's 2015 and you're putting a list of people how many how much time are they doing it's a podcast well how many people gonna be going up during the podcast and how much time that you've been there you've sat there yeah and have heard it you don't want to do business with those people because this has been going on now for five fucking years and you're a manager of comedy or whatever the fuck you are you know there's a story when maren went to his management and so i'm starting a podcast they lived with him and said what yeah he said bye and look what happened today look what happened today how can you as a manager anything not listen to your client and get let me go see what he's doing let me go see what this you're on to something i'm not gonna baffle

you on the phone as a client you're gonna go really 15 years and you're telling me my idea sucks bye some other manager picked him up he's on i have seen my friend it's not abc it's not hbl he's doing this thing politically correct started on comedy central did it not and then they went to fucking abc nobody remembers that shit did it yeah i gotta go pee go take a piss the old days of fire i don't know what that's all right it's all right leave keep them keep them on ice like 20 month have you ever done an edible with joey or no i don't know if i've done an edible with joey listen man i'll tell you i'm i i have a i need to be in like a controlled environment because i i could get paranoid with with when i get high yeah i i definitely can't drive high

he's crazy because we do we do live podcasts at the ice house and he drives me back because it's way too long he'll do like 90 blasting music and just beeping at cops oh wow it's it's terrifying it is terrifying right i mean i've been listen i you know i like i said i i'll probably get high like i don't know two three times a year if a friend of mine has something you know because i've never i'm i just never you know i'll drink but i've never been i just don't function that well i got friends that function very well i've had friends that i've been in the car with as that friend is driving they've like taken a hit and they keep driving and they just get high every day and it's no big deal to them and they can function i'm not good like that like i

like if i get good like if my friend brings some good friendly pot then i can hang out and laugh but a lot of times i'll start getting paranoid like especially if it's got that little paranoid thing like i've been i've there's been times where like i was in a movie and i thought the chair was moving oh yeah i was like what the hell is going on yeah joey d it doesn't have friendly weed so so you don't really you don't really do anything that's uh to enhance your your creativity it's just you being you it's just me man i think i what i do is i just try to go on like first of all one thing i learned early on uh was don't don't get drunk on stage because if you do well drunk you're gonna think that's what i need that's gonna be my crutch you get superstitious or

nice you start going oh wow i'm looser when i'm drunk and this is how i'm gonna work right so now every time i go on stage i gotta get drunk right right so two things first of all one the one time i went on stage um uh a little i was drunk was i'd i'd been at a i'd been at dinner and like had some wine and it was like a wednesday night or tuesday night at the comedy store so it was kind of like going into my 15 minute spot and i went up there and i was just kind of loose and saying stuff but it was funny because the audience wasn't laughing but my friends were laughing in the back because they're like look he's fucked up you know so that's when i realized well first of all my mind wasn't working as fast as i wanted it to be right and i wasn't doing what i necessarily

wanted to i was having fun don't get me wrong but it wasn't necessarily i wasn't being like where i needed to be with my head i'm talking about like how i learned early on not to get drunk on stage because even if you have like let's say you have two beers and you go up and you're like oh wow i'm loose this is great and you kill it well now i think to myself the next time i go on stage i gotta have two beers to get to keep this going as opposed to i prefer going on you know look i'll have a glass of wine on stage or a glass of tequila or something i'll have a bottle of water with me up there nine times out of ten it's like i'm having some water and stuff as i go and um and i i just need to i need to remind myself that i that i'm funny and creative without the whatever with the

water i'm just good you know because part of it is let and go part of it on stage is let and go and i think the comedy store helped me with that a lot the original room at the comedy store you were talking about freddy soda earlier i remember early on at the comedy store so i'd come from a series of bringer rooms where it was just ten horrible comics me being one of them but i was always one of the funnier of the bad comics starting out in the bringer rooms right and i'd always have like five or six friends and i would just do my set and i would get more laughs than everyone else that was horrible horrible and so i left like once i became a regular at the comedy store i didn't realize that you're not you're not doing a monologue you got to be in you got to be present

in the room so i'd go up at the comic store when i first started out and i would do my monologue and now i have a room that's not a bringer room it's customers and they don't know who you are and they're just staring at you and i remember i saw vinnie favorito come up and he used to do it was it was it was material that would he would talk to the audience and it seemed like he was making it up as he was going but it was material but it seemed like he was making it up and the audience felt like they were part of the show and i was like oh wow that's interesting like this guy's not doing a monologue he's kind of doing material but it's companies talking to them and i remember one of the first times i let it go was it was a late night and there was like two employees and

freddy soto sitting the way back and i never really met freddy and maybe said hi to him once and i was the 145 spot so i'm the last spot of the night and there was these two nerdy dudes with this really hot chick at the comedy store sitting on the booth to the right and i went on i went on stage i started doing my set and uh just doing my whatever my jokes and about two minutes and i realized they're not into it i'm not into it i was like i turned to the those guys i go guys forget my set like i'm just curious how did you two end up with her and it became a conversation and i started making fun of them like what's going on here like you know and then we started having fun and then i started riffing on stuff and it was 15 minutes he's just letting it all go

and then i came as i was leaving freddy was sitting the back and i sat next to him and he's like hey that was good stuff he's just you know you went for it i go thanks he goes you're funny i go thanks he goes you know what he goes it's not about bits he goes you're either funny or you're not if it's about a bit and that's what makes you funny then forget it but you're either funny or you're not and that's when i realized it's about being loose and look to this day we all have situations where you tighten up you know if i do if i'm doing like a corporate event i'm looking out and it's like a bunch of like 70 year olds i'm like this is death i gotta do an hour with these people like i know that right and all i'm thinking that whole time is maybe i do think

hey you know what i'm gonna take it i'm gonna have some tequila to relax you know but but um but most of the time it's about being loose and and i think that's why like for me like i said like i i don't like i don't necessarily need i don't i don't take anything else to to loosen up creatively i just go on stage on a tuesday at the comedy store and i go look i had a crazy day today got an argument with my wife let me talk about a little bit on stage let me do some jokes that i know are jokes that are gonna work and then let me get into this bit about my wife well what's just scarier because i i think i know the answer because for joey talk about it if you could do a 145 on a tuesday at the comedy store in front of two people

or a room full of 70 year olds when you're doing a corporate event which i do the one 145 is much better than the 70 year olds 145 is awesome 145 on a tuesday night at the comedy store is great because you can because they they know what's up you know what's up um and whereas the the corporate in front of the 70 year olds is somebody's paying you good money to make them laugh the way you know what what happened the sound no no no he was asking me about freddie so who was oh um the the uh uh what we gave him freddie as well but but the one but the corporate problem is what happens a lot of times with corporate events is the guy sees you somewhere and loves you and he's like i'm bringing him but he doesn't think about his demographic

you know this guy himself might be 35 or he might be 70 and have a great sense of humor but he doesn't think that this is like a whole other thing and they're all in round tables and they're first of all they'll put a dance floor between you and them so there's already 30 40 feet they may as well be on the other end of the jubilee yeah they're they're they're not paying attention joey i don't think you would have done any of them yeah what were they the one i did was so bad because that's what happened i was at the new york comedy club you know i was honestly i was three years in i had eight minutes of material and they saw me on one of those days yeah and they asked me what i wanted and i said 1500 without even knowing i'd never been paid before

guys i'd never been paid before and i went and did it and i get there on saturday night and it's on a pool with no microphone no nothing and they're a half a mile away they're in fucking jupiter yeah and i go up there and i'm starting nothing nothing it just got worse and there was no connection i wasn't really prepared for it the guy that brought me was like you're saying what it was he was trying to clap and yeah it just wasn't that it was that magic night was you know when you first start comedy you know you have magic nights you have one every month then two every month then three well this was the magic night and i died so i just walked off and i remember what i met him in the laundry room and i said i need my money and the guy wouldn't even look at me he's like huh

and he just started giving me money and he goes oh my god there's like 800 in the check and i go done and i just took the money and went to the city i don't believe all i cared about was if i could still get coke i was going into the city to buy one of those death packages because i had bombed so bad but he does real corporates see he does real corporates and and he does colleges where people tell you it's great money you're gonna have a great time but after a while you see those guys and they're like i can't do another fucking college listen here's the thing here's the thing it's all about the setup i try to get involved with the setup okay i got i did a corporate in dubai one time for this company that was like they did some tech stuff the company itself was out

of saudi arabia they had a their their offices were in dubai and their employees were from everywhere india you know british dudes australian dudes the ceo was an australian all these different things right now i've traveled to all these places and i got a couple of jokes about every place and i told these guys they set it up outside nice hot day in dubai and at night with big screen and they had brazilian dancers and shit but i told them i said listen whatever you do you got to have couches up because they go we're gonna have couches and shit i'm gonna have them close everybody close get them tight and what i did was this worked out really well because i have jokes about every country so i'm like hey this group right here where you guys from we're indian i'm married to an indian

right making fun of them right what's your name patel butter butter oh and they're loving it because i'm making fun of that their guy where's your ceo where's he from first of all you got to go after the guy yeah go after the guy where's your ceo where's it austria ozzy ozzy ozzy tough guy and i and i'm not like an insult comic i just kind of have fun with it you know what i'm saying so what happens is you do a couple of those then you go into some of your material about you then you do and they set it up perfectly fantastic after the show they want to hang out with you they're like this is touchdown right this this was great everyone wants a picture for then they got the times when they'll be like this dude like i never i never do i don't want to do

bar mitzvahs i don't want to do weddings but this dude was like listen man it's my kid's bar mitzvah and uh you know we spent a lot of money we're doing it at the wall door for storia the big fans are yours now the kid is 13 they've seen me do a video on youtube we're talking about this earlier they've seen a video on youtube that was funny with different voices and stuff they haven't seen my stand-up right i tell him i go listen man i go i don't know if it's a good idea listen we got this ballroom it's gonna be great i go well what about this dance floor he's like i'm gonna get the kids to come up and they're gonna sit the dance they're gonna they're gonna fill up the dance floor for you that'll be the that'll be your audience and then and then the rest of the people like all right

he wants me to do an hour i go on stage and i realized first of all when he said kids he met kids there's like three-year-olds sitting in front of me all right so now try and do your jokes about anything about your wife about your kids about your whatever anything about far in front three-year-olds they're not paying attention so i got a babysit the three-year-olds i'm looking out of the audience grandma's there there's 90-year-olds all right there's one table in the far back that's my demographic that's laughing the rest of them like know me from videos and shit right so i see i was supposed to do like a half an hour i ended up doing an hour because i was looking for the i was looking for the laugh to get off of kept going going going finally i was just like the

whole time i'm thinking of myself i got to finish this and go get a double tequila i need my that's sort of thing and it's funny here's what's crazy is i was done as soon as i was done to them i'm still a celebrity so after the show after i was done music starts and they're all pulling at me to go dance with them and i thought i should have just done an appearance fee i should have just said i'll come to your place i'll dance with you and we'll move on with our lives you know because that that's the other thing is if they have the expectation i did this i talk about this in the book i talk about going to dubai to do uh it was an art fest and they had a night where they were selling like really pricey art and i go the kiss of death is when people show up at like a 200

250 dollar ticket function and they come up to you before and they go i love your stuff i've seen you you've seen your youtube i i bought tickets specifically to see you tonight so i go now they expect you to kill right i go the best is when they don't know who you are and afterwards they go that was great i had a great time you so that's one of those i showed up at this art thing and man these guys again no no expense spared like they had like they these guys were bidding for like 100 grand 200 thousand dollar art pieces so at the very beginning of the show i'm sitting down i'm supposed to be the headliner they start their entertainment at seven first of all anyone who does stand up knows audiences can sit for an hour and a half that's it that's it that's it or you

give them an intermission i always tell them i go listen broadway has the best dancers singers choreographers writers in the world if they go to two hours they take an intermission at an hour or they get out at an hour and a half so you want to do a five hour show i go yeah you're fucking mind you're fucking out of your mind right so i show up and these guys started at seven cocktails at seven let's go into the hall at seven thirty seven thirty they bring out this dance group doing some crazy michael jackson shit you've never seen the dude had they put these lamp posts in the middle of this ballroom the guy was levitating he was going horizontal that's how fit this dude was i was sitting there going like holy shit i gotta follow this they do like half an hour of that then they

go all right let's take a break the the charity speak people are going to talk about what the charity is about they talk about the charity then they go okay now we're going to bring out people that have benefited from this charity lady comes out my son would be dead if it weren't for you people da da da now everyone's down i'm like fuck i can't follow this then they do a auction the auctioneer ends up being a funny dude and i'm watching him i'm like they didn't need me they got this guy he's killing it he's raising these guys like a million people are bidding you know getting tense between like the two really rich dudes who are like everyone else who spent 25 grand these guys are 250 grand for an art piece but this dude up there the auctioneer's making it funny

he's looking at one guy's like oh this british dude is like he just he just outbid you don't let him do that in front of your wife you got bowls or you got bowls what's wrong and the guy's like fuck it 270 they're go i'm like shit i'm entertained but i'm also shitting my pants right now then they go all right now let's eat dinner now we're like three and a half hours four hours in people who spent like i don't know how much half a million right they've saw they've seen amazing entertainment now i'm like when am i going up and then they go now for dessert the chef of like the biggest hotel in dubai comes out with a team of uh philippinos and each philippino sets up a station at your table and the chef is german and he starts calling out orders to prepare the dessert

in front of everybody all right now takes the sugar put the sugar down everyone puts the sugar these philippinos put sugar bring out the chocolate i'm like this is fucking crazy that the dessert is entertaining this is like going on and on and on and then the fucking dj goes all right uh now maz jobrani that's it i'm like motherfucker you're supposed to not supposed to do that you're supposed to fucking get their attention focus them back on the stage where's why not if i were a musician i could go up and like just play the drums or something you don't need to pay attention but you need i need your focus this guy didn't give me a good intro this is midnight now five hours in people are there thinking i'm a superstar and i go up and i'm

like this i gotta now i gotta bring them back i gotta start working i gotta work the crowd back to i gotta be my own warm-up guy so i start doing some crowd work and at one point i go uh i go i heard there's a kawaii kawaii uh um uh which i'm gonna go royalty here tonight where's the where where's where is he sir where are you and i got jokes about kawaii how they wouldn't let me into kawaii because my passport says born in iran even though i'm american it says born in iran and kawaii in iran have problems so every time i go through kawaii they'll hold me like an extra half an hour to ask me who my dad was and my grandfather i don't know what they did but anyway so i was gonna do some jokes of the kawaii royalty i was gonna go after him well turns out the kawaii

royalty was a lady that i'd met earlier that night someone introduced me to her but they didn't say this is princess so-and-so they just were like hey maz you know her and i didn't know who she was but i was like of course of course i knew so now i'm on stage looking like because when i go where's the kawaii royalty the lady who would introduce me looked at me like motherfucker you said you know and then the kawaii royalty lady thought that i knew who she was so she's looking at me like what the hell like you said you know who i so then i was like oh your highness good to see you i don't have a joke i'm not and i'm not going to make fun of her so good to see you ma'am then i go uh then i go okay let me keep moving i keep moving then i'm looking for there's an

indian dude that the the um the uh the auctioneer had been talking to the indian dude and the indian dude sitting in the back with like a narrow jacket you know the narrow that like the buttons up at the top very gentlemanly looking he had gray kind of dark hair but gray streaks and the and the um the auctioneer kept calling him the silver fox because he had the silver right he's like the silver fox you want to get involved go ahead give us a bid and so he now the auctioneer had done his homework whoever had organized this thing had told him who is who so he knew who everybody was so now i'm going all right you know what the royalty shift didn't work let me go to the let me go to the indian guy so go to the indian guy because i got an indian wife i go maybe

i'll do some of those jokes i try i go what's your name he yells it from the back i can't hear it what's your name again you can't hear it have some fun with it move on do my thing very mediocre set i have this expensive suit drenched in sweat now because it's been a half an hour struggling and the whole time again i'm thinking just get off and get a tequila and i get off of my fuck and then i'm talking to the auctioneer afterwards and he's like yeah man that you know the silver fox is one of india's most famous actors so it says it first of all i didn't know who the i didn't know who royalty was i didn't know who the morgan freeman of india was he'd been in the room you know i'm saying and it was one of those things where it was death and it was one of those

things where you go man i don't know like i'm sure those people had come to that thing going like oh this guy is that guy and then you let him down because the setup is just a horrible setup you know i'm saying it's very important to have the right setup otherwise you did the worst thing with they did a six hour show six hour show that listen as soon as they call you and they're breaking it down you gotta go ah the magician get rid of him well kids love magicians well the thing starts at eight and the magician is going up at eleven it's not gonna work well really my friend listen they're sitting for fucking up but they don't know this yeah the other thing i didn't i don't mind doing a corporate where i go up do 20 minutes i'll do the homework on

the company uh they'll point me in the direction to one guy maybe when they come to me go that guy just he fucked the faggot on our last trip i don't give a fuck and you always get those morons he has six toes you know he has a webfoot you know let go away go the fuck away you know those idiots but i did one that was the worst you talking about that just reminded me and i almost got into fisticuffs they saw me at the store yeah cuban family christmas party the whole thing they were offering like some absurd about the money and i go and i remember i was like on coke then i for was a hundred dollars but i knew i had done enough of these motherfucking things that you can't let them slide so the number you offer me i go it's not gonna work this is the

number well we want you to come and do this you have to do that they sent me in those days they'd fax they sent me a three page fax every grandpa that was gonna be there you know he has a webfoot he you know and i'm still listening guys i i don't first off i'm getting off a plane i'm going from lax to see you fucking guys in pamona it you know my mind's gonna be somewhere else if you want a sunday show and they shrunk it down to two sheets then they shrunk it to a sheet and a half because i couldn't take it and there was a combination birthday corporate party with guys it was fucking nuts and i get there at two and it's supposed to start at three and it doesn't start till 4 30 of course but they want the

entertainment there early and a samba band and a mambo band and it's nine o'clock and i haven't gone up and i go up to the gun i go listen five fucking minutes i go up i'm getting out of here and this guy looked at me like you can't talk to me like that dog i've been here since two i've been fucking going on a plane since eight i told you told me two o'clock you know then i get here it's four fucking 30 no i'm going up there now and i go up and the sheet and the whole fucking thing i get off and he goes well you didn't mention my one uncle tico that's missing the foot and i go listen give me my fucking check and he gave me the check it was five hundred dollars light and i go we're gonna take a ride to the eight oh i going gotta go gangsta around

the guy we're taking a ride to the ATM machine and he started with his shit i'm gonna tell everybody how you treated me you know why because i want my fucking money and i said that's it and i get a call for them i get family ones on facebook and twitter and i know i got off at a wedding october 24th no no no listen i this is what i tell them a lot of times they'll call me i'll talk them out of it yeah i'll talk i'll go listen i'll go save your money because i go i'm gonna be expensive i go because i don't normally do these i'm gonna be expensive save your money go have a great trip and i'm gonna be in your city in october you guys come get the VIP tickets we'll say hi we'll hug it out you'll be in my it's like a home court advantage right and you

should be able to do stand-up anywhere but you have to always set it up right it's very different than other uh again music no disrespect to musicians but musicians can play and if they're not listening like if you're playing like rock or something and people are talking that's what they do right but stand up and half the time i get involved with the organization of it exactly what you just said i go okay i'll tell you what you want to do a five-hour event cool before you bring the food i'll do my 20 at like you know the first hour of the night and then you guys could do whatever you want you know it's crazy it's it's it's uh i had one time um in malaysia one of the kings of malaysia was at the show and the prime minister was supposed to come

and the the setup was horrible people all over the place nobody paying attention they had like one of their top singers go up nobody was paying attention and i'm thinking to myself because you also bring the you know joe joe one time joey d one time told me and i and i agree with them it's like the comedy store i think makes you want to be tough whether as a comedian because a lot of other clubs you were talking about one time you heard one comic be like oh i got to follow that that guy i don't want to follow that guy and at the comic store you have to follow everybody as a matter of fact one of the times one of the times that i died the hardest was following you because i learned a lesson which was i followed him he killed and i didn't acknowledge his killing

right there like i had to go up i should have gone up for the first two minutes and talked about his set in a fun way because we were all in that room and transitioned into my set and i learned that lesson right off the bat or if somebody says something really like crazy outland like joey says like you know her pussy her her her asshole or puts you look like a bat with a hangover right so you got to acknowledge that when you go on stage you know so you got to acknowledge that he just said that and have fun with it even say it like 10 times right but i didn't and and i learned that lesson so you want to be tough so here i was at this thing in malaysia thinking you know what they didn't they didn't listen to their top singer but they're gonna listen to me i'm gonna get them

i'm gonna go table by table and i'm gonna find out who's where and i got 20 minutes i'm gonna get them and i'm supposed to go up after the prime minister had arrived and spoken or something well they come to me they go listen prime minister is running late you got to go up like alright i'll go up and it was funny because i started making fun of the traffic a little bit because we think traffic's bad here some of these countries is i don't know how pit anyone gets anywhere it's like they they have a thing they say malaysia bully which means malaysia can malaysia bully and i kept saying i was making fun of them i was like well with this traffic malaysia no bully you guys can't like you guys are all stuck and some of them like a little taking

offense at it and stuff and here's what's funny is i was in the middle of my set i've never had this happen middle of my set trying to get them going making fun of their traffic and suddenly in the middle of my set i hear a voice and it goes uh maz maz and i'm like where's that coming from i look over at the podium the host maz um the prime minister has arrived ladies and gentlemen if you could please rise for the prime minister everyone stopped in the middle of my set and so everyone stands up and here comes the prime minister halfway through my 20 minutes and it was funny because i i thought i got the the biggest laugh when he came all the way up and he was like shaking hands i just had to stand there just standing on stage looking left and right he came to the front

table and i go hello mr prime minister sir how are you i go were you stuck in traffic and the his table laughed he didn't know what i said the rest of them just went right back to what they were doing but i got i got interrupted by the prime minute imagine like in the middle of your set and you got to keep going and it was another one of those where i was like you know what i'm just going to get off and just get my drink and relax because it's because you you i don't care who you are i don't care who you're not going to win that battle you're not going to win that because they're there to talk the women look look man we have our own sense of humor there's like there's a 70 year old woman who could care less about you she's there to show off her jewelry right

there's some dude who thinks he is the man and so if you go to him and make fun of him he's going to take offense at that you know well it's so crazy how much an audience matters for movies too but even for stand-up we we went to the store two or three times last week and the first time it wasn't that great and then the last three times i saw you and kill and it's you're saying the same jokes and some for some people sometimes it's some of the same stuff and when i've heard something when i've heard you do something 10 times and there's one time it's not working like it's crazy how much an audience it impacts a show because it it's really probably just as much as for me it's the audience and the comic yeah

and the comic sometimes every time i go on stage and i don't do well i never blame it on the audience i always say wow my game wasn't uh my game wasn't on i didn't know i thought that was me shaking i didn't say that joked the right way i didn't say that i didn't say fuck i so i always look at it that way but it's it this is an education that's constant yeah uh you know you i always laugh when i see pictures of george cloney and brad Pitt and they're giggling and these fucking momos in the middle west like oh they must talk on the phone every day that's a good friend tell them what the fuck about each other when people's around they're all smiling and tapping each other on the back and ha ha ha one thing about you and i mas i know you from the store i mean

well when did you get to the store i think it was uh probably i started stand up i think in uh summer of 98 so i must have been at the store by early 2000 or late 99 wow yeah and she made your regular and that was the beginning of everything that was that i grew exponentially at that club at that club because i learned so much watching guys like you or watching paul mooney paul mooney even guys like eddie griffin who we would give shit to because he would go long he would do two hours but those first 45 minutes were very funny and it was interesting either what i learned from him was kind of uh whether it's whatever it is kind of his stream of consciousness style which was he would go from bit to bit but he would mix them up and i love doing that sometimes when i go you know what

i don't know what bit i'm going to start with where i'm going you know you told me one time i loved joe joe i was joey ds has the most quotable stuff one time i said uh i go joey i go you ever you ever get a you ever put a set list together and he's like yeah bro i put it together on the way over but you know it was you get on stage you gotta start calling audible yeah you got i'm like yeah i got it it is true and i love that i love i love calling like that's become the last special i did i uh i went to sweden and shot it and i got a production company to shoot it and i said i want you to have a camera on the audience i go whenever i go to the audience go to the audience and it's what's what's great about when i saw it what i was happy about was when i would go to the audience

sometimes it would say certain things that i wasn't expecting and you genuinely see my surprise on my face when i'm hearing somebody say something for the first time and that's a great feeling when you're a comedian on stage because now i'm curious about you and it's not about my next joke but it's about uh you know how did you end up with her or what like what what what if you're here and you have a two week old baby where's your wife and i don't have a joke yet but he's gonna tell me where she is and if he says she's at home i'll say oh you know old school whatever i'll make fun of him for like being whatever like you know who the who's the man now or if he says like i don't know what the answer is going to be right but maybe he says she's here and i go well then who's this who's got

the baby you know we got a nanny i go oh you're rich you don't want to say that you can riff off of that and have fun now throughout the show you can keep going back to that guy oh rich guy no hey rich guy you know after the show he's buying drink now you got an extra five minutes added to your special because some guy had a two week old baby that they left with the nanny you know and he's loving it there's a dude on my special named Eugene some Swedish dude named Eugene when he said his name Eugene i go i was like you i you see me genuinely i go is that a common Swedish name and then he's kind of laughing and having fun and from we just go on this i have co-stars in my special i just thought of that it's true but that's because you are being open to talking to the audience

but regardless what you were saying too is true sometimes you're right joey you blame yourself but you also there's sometimes where you go like we've seen the comics will come back and be like oh this audience sucks and again it burns me up i don't say nothing but one thing i always respected about you especially at the store was to me everybody wants the eight o'clock spot everybody wants to go up in front of 80 hot people mitzi didn't like it that way when you signed up at the store you thought you were gonna get 10 o'clock spots but mitzi gave you the dungeon spots and i call them that anything could happen spots because that's exactly what they were a fist fight could happen in a controlled area in a comedy store and late nights you know uh

when mars would go up we would just chant in the back mars jabrani joe bonnie mars in the middle of the set and i know there was nights mars would go thank god these guys were in the room because that's six minutes we would fucking go crazy mars jabrani and the audience would sit there and go what the fuck is going on yeah that's the comedy story you know uh li and i had a great time last week when i went to the comedy swimming and the piano player kept playing the bt express for everybody yeah and i went up and he was playing something different like i don't play that play the bt express and i danced and thank god because it killed and it took eight minutes yeah now when i walked off and people like that was great i was like maybe for you but i wrote a joke for the last

two fucking days that i wanted to try specifically yeah and that you know so here i killed in reality you know whatever the fuck i did but as i'm driving up all over the canyon i'm like i'm a fucking loser for not trying that joke that i've been working on for two fucking days but that goes back to what freddy soto had said it's not about the bits because you could try that bit another time you took that moment and you ran with it and you ran with it i had two of my favorite sets last year i i've recorded them were sets where i did absolutely no material because i went on stage at the comedy store and i started to get into it and as i was getting into someone came to sit so then i was like what the hell were you were you what's going on and then

they started talking and then someone else started talking and then the next thing i know this happened it was kind of funny this there was this these couple of guys came in late and they sat to the left of the stage and there was and the dude sat down and he saw somebody in the front of the stage and he started waving and the other guy started waving and then i go you guys know each other he goes yeah i go you guys you why don't you sit with each other like you knew you were coming and he goes no i didn't know he was coming i go well how do you know each other he goes we used to play in a cover band together so now i'm like what cover band and it was like a creed or something some cover band i go well what happened to the cover band and they go well we split up and i'm

go ladies and gentlemen we heard it here tonight this whatever it is a cover band has split i go this is a very sad moment i just need a moment of silence i just rift yeah that's all you're gonna do man and i love that set and i didn't care about the material i was trying to work out that and that's a set that you know if you're a comedy fan i realized this later somebody was talking about it the reason i got into this was because i was a comedy nerd you know you have to be i used to watch all those guys i used to stay up late night watch all the reruns of saturday night live and the new ones i used to watch all the guys that were on the evening of the emperor all that stuff so if you're a comedy nerd and you hear a set like that i think that you have to ultimately sit down

and go i appreciate this i might not get it all because i'm not in that room but i appreciate this when you see prior do that set that he put up i forget what it's called where he's like in the back of a club and people walking out and he's like i hope you get hit by a train or whatever and it's the worst set you've ever seen prior do but he put it out as a special you got to sit there and go i appreciate this you know stand that's a weird fucking animal before when i was going to the bathroom i was walking back i was thinking about you did a play one time and one of the times uh what's his name was there short pen he came up to you he gave you a number he took your number and like he called you a year later or some shit and put you in a movie no no he didn't

do like that that was no he i i did a movie with him i did a uh i don't think he saw me from a play i thought he saw you had a play well no no no the movie was the interpreter the interpreter okay and that one the way i got that that one was funny again um i talk about this on the book get the book people it's called i'm not a terrorist but i played one on tv um but i thought it's funny because all these stories come back when you start talking about this stuff the book what was funny was you've done this before i'm sorry the the the movie the interpreter so sydney pollack's directing shampen nicole kidman it's in new york and i'm pretty early in my career it's 2004 and they go they want you to put yourself on tape now you've done this before when they when you put yourself

on tape that means you go into a room you put a camera you get a friend to read from the other side you do it yourself you submit the tape and i'm going there's no way they're gonna cast me off a tape because if you're going to a room the director's there he likes you but off a tape you no way i fucking hate it i hate it i got the longest yard that way yeah exactly and then the other thing was the scenes they gave me to do so i was playing it was i was i was auditioning for an arab-american secret service agent his name was mohammed but they don't even reference it at all go figure go figure but they don't but they don't reference it out they just call moe throughout and at one point he goes i'm from brooklyn he goes he says he's in new york right and so he's

he's very americanized and i think the reason the writers might have put him in was because right around that time this was around the bush administration there had been a secret service agent who was an arab dude who was flying from i don't know la to phoenix to go be on the bush's detail he was going to go protect the president and secret service agents carry guns and they have a license for it so he was getting on the plane and the pilot was like i'm not going to let you get on my plane and he goes but i'm a secret i'm like i'm legit i was all like it's all been approved so i'm not letting you on my it was like a delta or something and he ended up suing delta and and made money you know i think he won or something but but point is i think the writers

had read about that and were like let's put some dude in here as that role so i went to read the audition and the audition was very like procedural it was like two quick scenes the first scene was let's say me and joey sitting next to each other and we're in a car we're secret service agents and we're following some guy who we think is about to commit a crime and so like he turns to me he's like is that the guy and i go that's the guy and he's like well what do you think we should do i go well let's follow him cut that's it scene two uh do you hear about the guy yeah i heard he's downtown now let's go get him let's go cut and i'm like i didn't do anything so i submitted and i go there's no way in hell i'm gonna get this and then the word comes back you've you've had this before too

where your agents go you're their number one choice and that's to me usually that's the kiss of death that means they're waiting for somebody else to say yeah they're waiting for louis louis guzman to take the part or they're waiting for you know what i'm saying they're waiting for somebody else ben kingsley someone's gonna come up so they go you're the first choice i'm like i'm not i'm not gonna say anything i don't want jinx this goes on and on and on finally they go you got it i go what yeah you got it you're gonna spend four months in new york they're gonna pay for you they're gonna put you up in a hotel they're gonna pay you all i'm like this is crazy so the whole time i'm thinking first of all i'm excited to be working with shan penne who cares about nicole kibman shan penne

that's the man i want to work with this guy and city paulik and i get there i swear to god so this was a movie it takes place of the united nations and uh and the whole thing is uh it's it's called the interpreter and i'm like all right uh let me go down they get me out there and they go listen they're filming at the un today you're not in the scene but you can go watch if you want so i go let me go watch so i go to watch i'm watching nobody knows who i am you know i'm player number 12 or 15 out of whatever you know on the on the call sheet i'm not one two or three and uh i'm watching watching and then finally i go uh i gotta go pee so i go to the bathroom they're on a break sydney paulik walks into the bathroom so now i go should i say hi does he know me is he gonna

say what's up your agent mo he kind of looks at me looks away goes into the stall i'm like all right i'm not now there's no way in hell i'm gonna be like mr paulik by the way nice to meet you i got it let's leave it alone leave it alone i left it alone then the next day i'm shooting my scene and the whole scene is you're supposed to be me in a car doing surveillance with binoculars and i'm looking into a house i'm watching this guy who's again possible suspect and what it is is every day he has the same thing for breakfast and they're trying to get across the point that i've been sitting here watching this dude for a week so i'm supposed to look in the binoculars talking to myself and go like you know up orange juice cereal milk great put it down that's like

the line that's the whole thing so action i do it they got i'm in a car there's a little walkie talkie that gives you a direction sydney paulik's voice comes on the walkie talkie um do it again do it again uh just uh throw it away a little bit throw it away we're putting too much emphasis got it action ah cereal orange juice milk at whatever uh a little you need to you you gotta be in the moment you gotta be there you gotta be there oh okay great action cereal orange juice milk seven takes i'm starting to sweat bullets i'm like shit they cast the wrong guy i knew it i thought they i thought they messed up i thought they like messed up the tapes they were trying to get whatever uh john leguzamo and they ended up getting me and now he's coming

at me and i was shitting bricks i was waiting for them to be like okay done can we talk to you for a second listen here's your plane ticket go back i really was like shitting my and and to my surprise they moved on and at one point like the uh the the hair and makeup lady was like i saw you had your sydney moment i'm like what are you talking about she goes yeah he's been riding a lot of the actors so what do you mean yeah he's just you know really stressed out because his previous movie didn't make a lot of money and he's producing on this and the budget's going up and they started shooting without an ending all kinds of stuff you start finding out and supposedly one other guy that was in a scene with sean penn was like he got the sydney treatment so much that he was like having

a breakdown and penn had to be like sydney let me talk to him for a second and he got the actor back in he's like listen buddy let's just do it me and you and he got him through it and what was amazing was as it went on like i gained his respect a little bit just by like kind of you know talking back to him a little bit like sydney you're gonna ride me again or whatever it was like you know just a little bit like that because you got to realize what happens when you go on a set and you know this they set up this hierarchy and they go this guy's the guy don't look at him in the eye don't talk to him don't blah blah blah but listen man end of the day i'm a guy you're a fucking i got a mortgage i got kids i've lived i've lived 42 years in this world right so you're gonna talk

shit to me just because you're fucking whatever john look lucard or whatever your fucking name is you know what i'm saying i'll punch you in the face you know i get pissed too yeah you guys you could see i had a sydney moment well who was it who was that was it sydney oh yeah oh what was that in bronx county what happened i was terrible yeah i didn't fucking know i knew nothing yeah it's 97 i get sent to fucking Santa Monica we go read for a pilot uh poor reagan dude in the bar recurring row maybe sydney's regular i go in there read and i leave i get the fucking pilot cbs this was cbs's answer the nypd blue and city polys directed sydney polys directing they pay them three million dollars wow shows going shows going i'm gonna be in every episode at the end the cops come into the

bar and ask me questions you're not gonna shoot you're gonna shoot you're not gonna shoot the pilot you're gonna shoot the pilot you're not gonna shoot the pilot you're shooting the pilot you're not gonna shoot this went on for two weeks so three week pilot shoot was a drama you got a call one night fucking one in the morning you're shooting tomorrow up at uh whatever be there at 8 a.m 6 a.m i don't know do i have lines don't give me the end of the morning it's just two lines they're writing them right now as we speak or we could call them to you tonight i'm coked up i'm coked up at fucking gardener living on gavin's floor and you know i gotta go into the next day i don't know nothing about nothing and it was two horrible lines nothing i could do it today with my eyes closed

and he had to come over and like ask me like what the fuck is going on wow and you fucking right when that happens you just melt listen i had just bombed on basketball i had just done basketball no i hadn't that's the first time i really bombed on a set then i bombed on basketball like a year later six months later and it was i didn't know what to do and then i finally got done acting class and i got a pilot for mbc like the fifth and sixth episode and by that time i had it down a little bit but i didn't have it not to work with sydney lumette not at all lumette you had lumette no no sydney pollock well mus you did uh friday after next or next friday whichever one it was when you were still working because i used to i listened to uh minivan

minivan man yeah there you go uh podcast and you talked about it and that's i mean how crazy was that doing that movie while i'm still doing a job well see now that was different listen man this this is 99 you had a job yeah i had a day job that's right yeah i had a day job at an advertising that's right i used to come to the comedy store do my sets and get like one in the morning or two in the morning then go to work the next day at nine but no but what this is what it is is i think 99 of all of this whether it's stand-up acting anything in life is the confidence that you have and the more you do it the more confident you get and the more control you have the more confident you are and the lower the stakes that's why that original room is such a great room because she

sets it up and says no one's going to be in this audience tonight i'm going to blind the hell out of you with the lights it's going to be so dark you won't know who's there anyway so just go up there and do your thing so you you know you go up there and just do your thing and so the same thing with the uh Friday after next the director was this guy named Marcus Rayboy young guy he'd been doing music videos i went in and i auditioned for the role of moley the donut shop owner and i just went in and did a character i just went and did my care and then they just they were into it and they were like yeah and then and i then i had ideas i was like what about if he wears this what if he does that and they're like yeah yeah yeah so with that

they wanted me and suddenly i was like oh cool you know i'm i felt like they gave me the confidence whereas a movie like the interpreter that's like 80 million 90 million drama in new york nicole kibman chan pen kathryn keener all this uh sydney pollock is stressed out because he's producing it he's getting into arguments nobody's laughing nobody's laughing everybody's silent with the director you know oh my god when he comes in the room don't say a word you're sitting there going this motherfucker puts his pants on just like me absolutely at the end of the week when you look at half these fucking directors what the fuck are they really doing with that fucking camera okay what the fuck are they really doing for them to walk around you know you could always tell a

director on a set that's the set i don't want to be on if i could tell who the director is on the set if he's got the feather in his hat and the rolled up sleeves and the tattoos i don't want to work with that guy i just worked with that jerk off at cbs who's that i worked with a guy i watched the cbs award they gave him cbs did a show like and they didn't air it like us but they was on youtube of this director i forget what his name is when i read that he was the director i'm reading for the role and going wow i'm gonna get to work with this guy this guy was the biggest piece of shit i had ever met in my life you know he uh he blasted bruce springsteen well why is this on and you know not just blast blast guys and i asked the ad's like why is this on oh he's

personal friends with bruce oh so i should fucking fall off my fucking chair you know they're just chair clubs yeah then you weren't going out like adam family that knows calm and you go up to him in front of fucking four fucking gentiles to the sitting there out of college and you're like hey listen i want to shoot that scene with a thong on and the people from paramount like no no shh what you saying joey i want to shoot that scene with a jock like that dude in major league the cuban dude go get this guy a jock no the network go get him a fucking jock yeah that's a commie director i felt he gave me confidence confidence he gave me confidence give him the fucking red light there's nothing when you read for people they come up to you nag you the word is the get the

fuck over there or the word is the yeah the fuck over that made it sound better without the fucking the but that's i don't like that i don't like pressure on a set i like when everybody's loose when you could do your own thing but that day with that comment the foresee yes i'm like this isn't no wonder the show got canceled listen listen to in fairness to poly the guy is great and he actually ended up being nice like but but i think yeah he was a nice guy he was a nice guy he was very nice but i think that he was great in the sopranos yeah he was he was great he's a great actor in uh eyes wide shut oh shit that's my movie yeah yeah he brought it on that i fucking loved that movie he's look that guy's a legend he's great but what happens is you get in your head and also

there is a hierarchy in every set and i think it's up to and i think listen these guys after a while they got to get shit done they they can't come hug everybody you know what i'm saying but ultimately i think if you're able to to uh uh lighten the mood somehow like that's what i learned on my movie the jimmy vessel movie i'd i was a co-writer and i had a i had a guy directing him jonathan kesselman he directed something called the hebrew hammer that's a good movie yeah it's a good movie right so what would happen is we do a couple takes and then we get together and be like hey let's let's try that again let's mess up let's mess around with the lines i had friends on the set i'd be like listen man do what you want do what you want to do but here's a couple of suggestions

you know to say this this this and this but something in that world go you know and it was fun because i was making i was like i wanted to be fun you know and i was confident was my i didn't have a studio i'd have to go i learned the difference what was crazy was we'd raised all the money we did the thing um if i wanted to change anything i would do it right there right a week later i got a guest guest star on a sitcom for cbs like a four camera and we would do our scene and as you know what you do is when you're doing your scene uh you do like you rehearse rehearse rehearse and then one of the days you get the writers and the producers and the network and all the studio they all come and now you got 40 people watching you do this scene and you finish and then when you

leave they all sit down with the writers and they give them notes and that's when it hit me i said that's why a lot of these sitcoms aren't that funny because it is comedy by committee it's art by committee all right when was the last time there was a painter standing in front of a canvas with 40 people behind him going what do you think should we go green or blue blue right you're no longer an artist you know what i'm saying so that's why i think a lot of those things aren't a lot of these shows that we see that aren't that funny is because they just water the hell down yeah i mean louisey came most people think are considered great but i'm sure there's people who don't like him as a stand-up comedian but say what you want about that his show louis he's on fx

which wasn't the biggest station it was a cable station but he does everything he writes edits directs it's amazing he acts in it yeah and it's cool when they have that much control i heard you you brought up christella i her manager came in i think and was saying how enjoy was saying how they gave her money to like do it but they weren't going to pick it up yeah and instead of taking the money she shot the first show and now it was on abc for a full season yeah listen that's what we're talking about that think outside the box what's great about her story is that is that they were going to pass on it and then they said let's go shoot it and they got the set i believe of the tim allen show and they shot it and really man it's ultimately it's a battle all the time um

but but you but you have a voice you have a you have a point of view and not everyone's going to like it i mean i get people hitting me up from time to time go in you suck you're not funny and i want to hit them back and go what the fuck do you do and who are you but i let it go because i go you know what that's actually a point of you've arrived i think i actually used to get a little offended by stuff online until i was watching letterman one night and he uh he did this joke he's like he's like yeah they got uh they just put in free wi-fi at central park which is great because at lunch lunchtime i get to take my laptop down there and read all my hate mail and it hit me i go wow this guy must get so much crap for what he says every night every night you do a joke

that's gonna offend somebody so i go hey man i'm you know i'll i'll take it i don't care if somebody doesn't like that's a that's a sign that you're you've got a point of view if people don't like your shit you know what i'm saying i hope they don't fucking like me they're gonna suck my dick yeah i really do i love when i i love when i get like an email hey man who gives a frenchman's fuck you know uh you're making a good point before one of the best advice i ever saw nobody gave to me i saw a bachino tell jamie fox in that fucking he goes you know remember there were longest yard no no no and he given sunday he goes you know this is easy brother this is just like when your mama used to call you when you play football remember when you played two hand touch on the

street you told the guy run down to the corner to the car make the left and right there when you simplified everything i was on stage the other night i was bonnet and i got myself together as i get punched in the fucking face you have to regroup and breathe and i became that character and i took them to fucking you have to stop some time and the same thing as with acting my acting now after 15 years i go on the set i'm as good as the next guy to study the fucking reek of college whatever the fuck because i've been doing it now i go on the set now i'm i'm i'm not effective but i'm i'm uh i save you money yeah i'm fucking good on this you don't have to work you don't have to worry about me at all just leave me the fuck alone i'm in an ad outside my trailer telling me makeup

i don't know how to read the scene i know when you don't want me in my fucking wardrobe at eight in the morning if i'm in a shitball i'm a fact book you're gonna get gravy on the shirt or reef is gonna burn the fucking button on the shirt or you know but it's uh when i saw you at the store a couple weeks ago i watched on stage maz and it's uh it's fucking great that we're still doing what we do absolutely man it's and it's been a fucking journey from those little spots i used to drive me to the atm so i could borrow my coke money from you yeah maz was my brother and then you know now we're here and all those lessons were learned from that little fucking room on sunset yeah and they weren't learned on a friday and saturday night when we were there on wednesday

night at 12 45 talking shit and you i'm happy i got the opportunity to do that yeah absolutely i'm happy that i walked into that it made me a different comedian yeah it made me who i am today as a podcaster or a writer it all started for me at that store like it it lifted me up my wife was saying today uh that she would be really nice at the agustino got made at the store yeah because you become a different comic you become what you see it from a different you see the ball field you see people you know 15 years ago we were at the store doing the same thing and now and there was me, you, Sebastian, Brett Ernst, right same people, same people have been doing the podcast the last three, but it's so cool how like you guys aren't similar in your type of comedy no

but you all come out of that one place it's kind of like you wouldn't think like some places have certain type of musicians or this is a jazz club but that's you're you're gonna see every different type of comedy that there is we're both marines he might aim for the heart and i might aim for the fucking eyeball you know we both we're both fucking marines and i think that that marine mentality of the comedy store kept us here i'm bulletproof bitch absolutely listen i tell you i tell young comics all the time i got guys that i'm telling all i go you gotta get you gotta find a way to get into the comedy store or replicate that for yourself i go don't try don't get in front of the hot crowds and hot crowds and hot get in get in a place where you have to let go of your

material find who you are you know taking us a long time they always say you know it's it's a cliche they go you gotta enjoy the journey well i've enjoyed the journey and i continue to enjoy the journey because that's why you gotta do it for you gotta do it because you love doing it right and to and you gotta put yourself in uncomfortable situations that's all that you have to otherwise you're gonna um you're gonna get comfortable and you're just gonna you're not gonna grow um and if you're ever doing it then i hear some actors of me oh that one day when i win that academy award just leave forget it why are you doing it you're gonna win the academy award feel empty you don't do it for that you do it because it's a project that you love it's a

it's a story that's being told that you think is great it's something that you wrote it's something that a friend of yours wrote as a part that you're gonna be excited about it's another thing that you go i can bring something to this i remember i was listening to benicio del toro tell a story about being on some set of some like movie early on in his career and it was like i was a romantic comedy what it was but he said he was on the set and he was just doing the part and he was kind of like bored because he was just like the supporting guy like the guy's friend and he said he was talking to a friend of his who knew him from before and he was telling his friend how he didn't like what he was doing and the friend's like well didn't you get into this because you

wanted to enjoy it like you wanted to be creative and he goes yeah he goes well then go for it so he said like the next day on set he started like giving his character like like a lisp or something and the director's like what are you doing he's like i'm bringing something and the guy's like get out of here but flash forward to usual suspects when he's like talking like yeah well yeah yeah you know because he was i think he told himself i'm gonna start bringing something to these parts as opposed to just sitting it you know just i don't want to be just you know just sitting there you know waiting for that line but that's for him and for me stand up i love doing stand up i love writing i love creating and it's like if i can come up with ideas and ways to go to the next level

get on stage i just i just did the comedy store in the laugh factory this past weekend for the first time in a long time i had so much fun being on stage man and i left and i have fun hanging out and talking to my to the guys i start out with joey ds are you in town this weekend i got a tempi improv this weekend good for you let me give some shout outs i'm gonna get the all right joey d what time is it holy shit we're on jeremy san jen komo i love you coxucker thank you for always giving me love jr gomez benny pares kory pentland joe knows his gun coxucker they have it who gives a fuck if you went to that place captain redbeard anthony saco right and my main man danie rodriguez always fucking representing you know what's up with lee how are you i'm super

high those are crazy are they strong yeah they're strong we give me two of them in 11 30 in the morning i ate two of them i know you did but you've been doing it for longer than i've been alive they're very mild it's it's you don't you look good papa thank you buddy i'm fine i got the gym and i got another podcast at five but i'm probably just gonna take a nap right now you're not taking no fucking oh my god we're going after we're gonna go do some meth keep it going keep it going to the meth you had some meth to this fucking reefer high you'll be beautiful you'll be thank you we smoke hash you like that i like is a strong word you should do you should eat a piece of this hash have you ever eaten hash yes i'm a lot more fucking eat no hash coxucker mas what else you got

going on talk to me joey d i'm gonna go i'm gonna go get my kids and then i'll do a little spot at the factory tonight with the doma rara show where you do 10 minutes and then you analyze it and then that's that i'm gonna start from i'm trying to promote this book and i got a book tour around it i'm doing the will turn in february i'm doing a theater in san francisco i'm doing a theater in dc i'm just i'm i'm running what's your website that these people go people can find me on twitter at mas jobrani maz j o b r a n i also instagram is at mas jobrani or just go to mas jobrani dot com find me there when is the book getting released book is february 20 february 17th february 17th book is called i'm not a terrorist but i've played one on tv i remember us having conversations

how people offered you terrorist jobs and you didn't want to take them i don't want to be a fucking terrorist i can always be a fucking terrorist i'm saying for real so i want to play a fucking terrorist that's that's where that you know i did it because i did a chuck norris movie where i played a terrorist and then after that i said no more and that was exactly a fucking terrorism huh no more fucking terrorism these are done what's that the movie website the movie website is jimmyvestwood.com that's the word westwood with v's j i m m y v e s t v o o d you can see the trailer on that too what's funny is i always describe it as the persian pink panther and and wikipedia picked that up so now whenever i go to interviews people go so you're known as the persian pink

panther why is that i'm like no that's just the way i describe that movie and i've been trying to get that description off of wikipedia for like a year now they won't take it off everywhere i go they call me the persian pink panther you're my kato i love that shit that he tell him always attacked me and then he come home and you look around the house no kato he's out he's out he opened up the refrigerator and there's kato in the fucking refrigerator they choke him in there would fight to the death and he'd be like nothing now kato not now and they'd fight they'd fight also the phone would ring yeah the phone would ring classic and he'd go pa hold on inspect the kuzo's residence it's for you and before kuzo would take the phone he'd punch him

in the fucking head one by his time bam they take the phone that shit was great fucking classic man i just watched being there again yeah oh by the week ago again i couldn't stop crying yeah he is uh you know people forget that motherfucker i've never forgotten him as a kid yeah all those movies are the party the fucking oh my god that's right the birdie numb numb oh my god now i'm not to get that shit my wife got me hooked on all that real cool netflix oh yeah youtube oh my god oh my god i'm in heaven now yeah it's awesome i know how to work all that shit let's give some sponsors a shout out here be the best that you can be you know i'm saying why fuck around with these uh shea shea type companies and shit you want to get your vitamins

going you want to do honest not even about vitamins it's about fucking human optimization whether it's alpha brain whether it's the hemp force protein whether it's the fucking the new tech the new mood i got your covered 10 off on your order do me a favor though to just to be friends here go to honor dot com see what they got available to you see what works to you like i told you a thousand times like a broken record the alpha brain got a hundred percent guaranteed if that sucks why you don't make a move to something else if a titties smell like shit don't even think about finger banging it because it's going to be a fucking disaster go to honor dot com press the word church and get 10 off your next order again we're talking

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with those rotten fucking underwear it's january 6th and your balls stink like fucking dick your fucking asshole smells like a billy goat and your underwears are all fucked up and you're sitting there going i'm gonna sling dick this weekend you ain't slinging nothing but dirty fucking nut sack wrap the brown with algae and whatever else is surrounding around your dick and your nut sack not only that you're uncomfortable go to me on these dot com right now okay they're the best fucking underwears i don't have mine on right now i had a pair on last night yesterday for jiu jitsu again your nuts never fall out with those cotton briefs your nuts are always popping out you always got to tuck them back in they smell funny none none none none that shit ends me on these underwears

has that material it pulls the fucking sweat away from your nutsack so the rest of the day 12 14 hours your nuts are fucking fresh you could dip them in somebody's mouth and they're like voila this is the flavor i've been looking for you understand me if you're a lady you want to keep that pussy fresh go to me on these dot com right now they're giving away 20 off and free shipping to canada and the united states stop walking around with those skid marks and those fucking yet urine fucking pussy marks in your underwear how do you think guys are gonna eat your fucking snacks if you got a urine mark in your fucking underwear take those things out go to me on these dot com right now press in Joey get 20 off your first order free shipping why are we gonna stop there

i'm talking about free shipping i'm talking about a dirty pussy i'm talking about nutrients fuck it you want healthy snacks naturebox.com but i'm gonna tell you what the best thing about nature boxes it's free motherfuckers they'll send you five snack packs they'll send you those swirl fucking cinnamon coins they'll send you those cocoa motherfucking almonds they'll send you that fucking high-energy mix they have with the chocolate and the almonds and the antioxidants they ain't fucking around you understand me no more potato chips no more chocolate chip cookies look at yourself does your ad does your ass need another fucking donut go look at the mirror ask yourself look at the size of my stomach it's hanging over my dick

do i need another fucking donut do i need another fucking no go to naturebox.com right now and press in Joey and you get a free fucking sample box with five bags of the most delicious nutritious snacks you've ever had in your mother's fucking life spicy pistachios sriracha almonds oh my fucking god okay my dick is getting hard as i talk about it anyway on it iron dragon tv me on these.com and nature box who's fucking better than you all right you know how we do it oh i thought that was the black the black lady from the last office knocked me on the door but the fuck her she's somewhere fucking jumping up and down obama's losing i don't fucking give a fuck anymore about these fucking people majebrani nobody loves you more

than me at the end Joey Diaz i love you we talk from time to time and it's great to hear your voice baby i leave a message for you my brother tell me and i'll call you and shit like that we'll be back some day next this this week this is a tuesday special day we'll be back we'll do another podcast one day this week all right cocksuckers have a great week it's the first week of the year you don't want to suck dick this week you want to wait at least three years have a happy uh cuban christmas tomorrow even if you're iranian celebrate the cuban what do you do at cuban christmas tomorrow isn't a three fucking wise men show up and you tomorrow you don't give gifts you gotta give everybody a fucking 50 or 20 or something so i should see you tomorrow

absolutely because you're gonna give me money you're cuban yeah but jews give the cubans gives me a fucking dick you're not back at us now in this fucking thing i love you guys have a great day stay black all right jerry date mars tempi arizona this weekend and will you have the weekend afterward back in LA baby all right baby and you are at the improv i'm at the improv fucking saturday night uh january 10th eight o'clock and 10 o'clock the one i'm melrose i got my man mick bettencourt with me to follow uh january 22nd i'm in buffalo new york you better fucking dress warm and the following week super week i'm at the columbus funny bone i love you guys stay black wash your pussy you don't want no fucking anti-fungal medication in that you know the weeds

good when you forget where you're gonna be uh let's see okay um okay now that the show is over and don't forget to go to naturebox.com and uh go to naturebox.com and sign up to get your free sampler box of great tasting healthy snacks forget the vending machine start snacking smarter with delicious treats like barbecue kettle kernels go to naturebox.com slash joey that's naturebox.com hi joey uh go to meundies.com slash joey what okay hold on yeah hold on yeah it was okay i'm still doing the ads um go to meundies.com slash joey and get 20 off of all the men's and women's underwear they have and right now they're offering you 20 off and uh free shipping in canada and leah united states go to onit.com and these co-word church to get 10 off of all their great

optimization products alphabranic new moves from tech community from tech sport and go to iron dragon tv use co-word joey to get two free rentals of all their martial arts movies and if you like tim kennedy go to nano tech's booth at the at ces booth 15423 wednesday january 7th at 2 p.m me sitting at home with my dick on hard so i got the black book for a free to call picked up the telephone the dial the seven digits at yo it's markies baby are you down with it i arrived at a house knocked on the door not having no idea of what the night had in store i'm like a dog in

the heat i'm free without warning i have an appetite for sex because me so oh girls always ask me why i fuck so much just say what's wrong take me door with a quick nut because you're the one and you shouldn't be mad i won't tell your mama if you don't tell your dad i know he'll be disgusted when he sees your pussy busted won't your mama be so mad if she knew i got the ass i'm a freak indeed a dog without warning my appetite is sex because me you can say i'm desperate even call me perverted but you say i'm a dog when i let you fucking

i'll play with your heart just like it's a game i'll be blowing your mind while you're blowing my brain i'm just like that man they call georgie put in pie i fuck off the girls and i make them cry i'm like a dog in the heat i'm free without warning i have an appetite for sex because me so i It's true you were a virgin until you met me I was the first to make you hot and wet to wet tea You tell your parents that we're going out Never to the movies, just straight to my house

You said it yourself, you like it like I do Put your lips on my dick and suck my ass, hold you I'm a freak in heat, a door without warning My appetite to sex caused me so horny I'm so horny, I'm so horny, I'm so horny It's been a long, long time I'm so horny, I'm so horny, I'm so horny It's been a long, long time

Fuckin' sucky, fuckin' sucky