Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #247 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: January 12, 2015

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. Here is the link to help Toking-Lare out. Thank you for checking it out. http://www.gofundme.com/jv02kw This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. Iron Dragon TV. A New Roku channel with all the best martial arts films. Use Code word joey for two free rentals. HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for a 20% discount Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by using code word joeydiaz. Music:  Back To The Hotel - N2Deep I Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet Dogs - Pink FLoyd Recorded on 01/12/2015

This show is brought to you by onit.com. Go to onit.com and use code word church to get 10% off of all of their great optimization products alpha brain, new mood, shumtech immune, shumtech sport. Joe is a huge fan of the strong bone. It's code word church to get 10% off or just go to joeyds.net and click on the on it banner. Go to nail that life.com all you oil and wax smokers out there for the premier vapor pen on the market. Use code word joeyds to get 20% off of your order. Go to hitesigs.com. That's hit letter esigs.com. Better tasting, longer lasting. A lot of people are sending in pictures on Twitter. They're getting it. They're liking it. So please go check it out. The proof is in the vape e-cigarettes and e-cigars for you. Different levels of nicotine in both and

the e-cigarettes come in multiple flavors if that's something you're interested in. Use code word joey'schurch. That's joey'schurch to get 20% off of your order. And go to irondragontv.com. Iron Dragon TV is a brand new Roku channel. I just set up my new Roku yesterday. I finally got rid of cable. I checked out Iron Dragon TV's offering. They have a ton of martial arts movies. Like I don't think you could ever, if you sat down and watched them, I think it would take a while to get through them. They have all the cool Jackie Chan stuff before he came into America. They're gonna have 4k technology. They have the in-man series. Use code word joey to get two free rentals. Oh, shit. What the fuck you asking yourself? It's Monday. It's cold out. Snow's coming down.

Whatever. It don't matter. You're a fucking marine cocksucker. Wash your fucking nuts out of them and get out there and let these motherfuckers know who's running things. What? Oh, shit. What are you gonna do? Sit there like a fucking mutt? Play that lead. Kick that motherfucker. What are you gonna do? Sit there. Get up. Write your goals, motherfuckers, for the month, a year in the week and the day. Get up. Get out there. Get the knife. Whatever the fuck it is. Polish the blood off it. You getting some new blood on that motherfucker today. Let's do this. Have you seen the music video for this? It's fucking crazy. But there's a dude in the background of every shot just like nodding his head and I could do that. That's what black people do. No, he's white. He's a white

dude. Whatever. He's confused. You know what I'm saying? I'm so glad you brought it up. How amazing does it feel putting powder on your nuts? I love it. It's the best feeling. I don't need it as much anymore and I've lost a little bit of weight, but I still have powder. You're rough against the genes and shit. You don't make that noise. It's fucking Monday. It's a beautiful day to be alive. We're back. It's the second week of the year. You know, what the fuck? What do you need? All they need is you. Just looking on Twitter. Five people got shot at a Chris Brown concert. When the fuck are you people going to realize? Stay the fuck away from that kiss of death because that's exactly what that motherfucker is. He was at my gym for a second. He's the kiss of death. How the fucking

building didn't blow up is beyond me. Five people. Chris Brown just has this fucking thing. Even when I see him, I'm like, that guy, I don't know what the fuck his deal is. You know, again, five. I don't know what the fuck the story is, but if you bring, why would you bring a gun to a Chris Brown concert unless you're going to shoot him? That's what I'm going to shoot is fucking Chris Brown, right in the fucking neck. What the fuck? It's Monday. You know what I'm saying? You got to start the week off good. I'm going to shoot fucking Chris Brown in the neck. Whatever. Right in that fucking tattoo with a stupid fucking neck. What's happening? Your beautiful people had a great time Saturday night. You came to the Melrose Improv. Thank you very much. We had a great time. Lee was

there with the girlfriend. There are a lot of cool people there. Yeah. Einstein from 10th Planet of Culver City. My man, what the fuck's his name? Renee. All the Renee was there. Who else was fucking? I mean, all the from 10th Planet of Van Nuys. Oh, he was there? Hassan was there. From GMAC. I mean, there was just some fucking Renee and Cassione. He's probably at Disneyland. Yes, they said it was raining. He flew in from New York with a girl. He's just like, I'm going to take a vacation. Yeah, that's how you do it. And then didn't someone else come from like Australia and then England? There were some people there. So it was cool. I got stoned as fuck. I ate some stars. We had a star, David, this morning that you eat it, Lee. Of course I did. I was watching.

You watch me until I stopped chewing. You're watching me, but you're not watching me. I gotta watch you like a hot cocksucker. You know, when I do these shows now, I feel different on stage. And I feel different when I'm there. And I gotta tell you something. It's a good time for comedy right now. It's a very good time for comedy. If you live in the LA area and you've stopped by the comedy store, it's a good time for fucking comedy. You know, at the improv the other night, it's a good time for comedy. When I'm at the laugh factory, it's a great time for comedy. You know, it's something's different. It's like the good guys won finally. You're not watching the shit that Comedy Central puts out and all these other fucking stations put out, you know, network.

You're watching the underground shit come out now. The shit that people wouldn't talk about. And it's all through Twitter and social media. And it's coming out on the network now, like little extra was just on TV. They have already on TV next Friday. Let me tell you something, man. Right now, the funniest guy working is Sebastian Manascauco. I haven't seen him recently. But a tight close second is Ari Shafir. I'm telling you this right now, guys. I'm not telling you this is my friend. I'm telling you that material that Ari's throwing right now about Biggie and going to China and taking a shit is some of the funniest shit I've ever heard and stand up. And I'm not telling you guys this as he's my buddy. I love him to death, but I'm really proud

of him. He tore it up in Las Vegas that night with Rogan. I was sitting there going, what the fuck am I going to come up with? Because this guy's killing him. He was killing him, killing him, killing him, killing him. So, you know, Bill Burr is out there now. I mean, it's just so his special premiere is Friday night, Ari. Yeah, I think you can buy it pretty soon on his website. Okay. But yeah, you could, he said something crazy. Like he shot like 70 minutes and only 40 something's going to get on TV. So for five bucks, I'm just going to go and buy it and get the whole 70. That's Friday night on Comedy Central. Yeah, I think it's the 11th or 12th. It's like that night at midnight. So it's technically Saturday morning. No, no, it's not the 12th and it's Friday. Okay,

it's Friday, the 16th. Yeah, let me check. And then the 17th, we're doing the Riot, at like Riot Comedy Festival. Right. And I'm doing the show Saturday night with Al Madrigal. I think T.J. Miller and Ari, and it's called Revenge. The theme is revenge, which is fucking perfect for me. And then his show comes out that you're on. When does that, the following Thursday night? Well, the whole season starts like eight weeks, I think. Right. I'm on the last one. Oh, really? Yeah, I'm on the last one. Oh, cool. I'm like in fucking April or something like that. But I don't give a fuck. Hey, listen, man. No. Comedy Central does not even look at me for Ari to go to bathroom with Comedy Central. I own my fucking

life. You know, that's the type of kid he is. He just told him from the jump he's doing it because he was there from the beginning. So it's the 16th at midnight. You got to admire that because the 17th we're doing a riot festival, whatever the fuck it is. Do you think do you do you wish you had been on Comedy Central? Yes and no, I just didn't like the fact how they shunned me from the beginning. But listen, man, that's the beauty of life. Some people like you and some people don't like I never really it made me work on a different direction. I at least I knew that door was closed to me. I don't want to live my life going maybe, you know, at least I knew that they didn't want to do business with me. It all started when Joe did the man show and I came out naked

running. They all banned me for that. They kind of like it was like a silent type ban. But then years later they took a couple of comedy pitches from me. They called me in for a few comedy pitches and then my name's been thrown around for specials or whatever involvement on midnight and stuff like that. And they just said no, you know, flat out. So, you know, I hear everything. Yeah, I hear everything. Even when they work and you know, this chapter on this thing of revenge when Ari called me because we're doing this, it was really weird because it's going on in a weird part of my life. I'm trying to write this book on writing the book about the rocket ship when I lived in that rocket ship in 84. And I didn't know until I was writing the chapter about living in a rocket

ship in 84. And the way here, I made a left and I went down that alley and I saw a guy sleeping next to a shopping cart. And I kept going. I said to myself, I wonder what it feels like tonight to sleep outside. And I go, you know what, I slept outside many a fucking night. I slept outside in a car here in LA for about three or four or five months and in 84. Do you get any sleep when you're sleeping outside? I can't imagine you get any sleep. It depends how fucked up you are. I see if you've ever been walking, you just see a guy like dropped and you got to walk over him. Like that guy just got tired and felt like that guy just said, fuck it. You know, yeah, you sleep, you sleep with one eye, you got money in your pocket. You don't know if somebody's going

to run up to you and stab you while you're sleeping. You know, if I'm walking down the street and I'm a killer and I'm looking to kill somebody, I see a bum, I'm gonna shoot him right in the fucking foot, you know, something. He's sleeping. You know, there's no resistance if I'm a fucking psychotic person, you know, and it just sleeping outside just does something to you. You sleep a few hours, you sleep light. I slept outside when I was a comedian. You know, many a nights, I had to take a bus somewhere and there's a four hour delay when you end up. You got to fucking sleep. You sit in a bus station, you put your jacket on over your head, you put your money in your front pocket, you put your hand in there and you put the bag next to you and try your best.

Yeah, but there has to be a difference between my buses coming in four hours and I got nowhere to go. Oh, well, I'm so fucking loopy. Yeah, absolutely. You have nowhere to go when you, you know, you wait for the heat from the sunlight. I mean, I remember being on that fucking rocket ship and doing coke in there. Like it's a three foot, you know. Someone posted a picture of it. I thought it was horizontal. It's vertical. It's vertical. Okay. And it has a couple of different floors and there's a beam in the middle and that's how you get to the top. I would just chill in the middle floor just in case I had a pee or pee off the railing or whatever, but you had a snort in the three feet. I would actually go in there with booze by myself at

night and then I would hide like a blanket and you know, I do dumb shit, you know, but I know what it's like to be outside. And it was November in December in Jersey. I mean, there's snow. There's snow. It's fucking cold out. So I thought about the rocket ship. You know, I wrote a, I wrote a general thing living in a rocket ship. I go, this nobody wants to read this. You have to describe what you were going through, what it felt like at the end of the night to not only come down off the coke and get depressed, but then you're naturally depressed. You're living in a fucking rocket ship. You know, the weight of everything was on top of me, but on that weight was a pain that I had had. Like I was 21 and I was just sick and tired.

Sometimes people just get sick and tired. And I always knew I wanted to leave Jersey, so I came out here to see my uncle and I came out to get, you know, listen life through those curveballs at you and then people throw curveball at you, but you know, your family's always going to be there. You know, this last Thanksgiving, I've been talking to my uncle since 2009 and this last Thanksgiving, we were going to get together and do Thanksgiving. We had a mother podcast. We had a mother podcast and the Monday before Thanksgiving, my cousin called and she said, Hey, he doesn't want to do it. He wants to go to a restaurant and in a way it helped me out because it got me off the hook. I didn't want to bring the baby down with the turkey in the car

and all that. So I started thinking about it. You know what? This is perfect. So he called him next thing. He goes, no, I didn't say that. So I said to him, listen, what I'll do is this. We're going to go get the turkey. We'll eat here and we'll see what you're doing later on. If you don't want to go out with your girlfriend or your son, we'll bring some food down to you. Well, I called him that day and he goes, no, my son's here. I'm going to be all right. But if you want to stop down later, that's fine too with the baby. I go, all right. So that was the week I had the vertigo. So we went out, we took the baby out. I went back home and I fell asleep. I had vertigo. I laid down on it. I called the next day. He didn't answer the phone.

He didn't call me back. I called him a couple of times. He didn't call me back, which meant he was pissed off at me. Christmas Eve, we get invited to my cousin's house, his son's house. He's there and we're cool, but we're not usual cool. He's not saying much to me. So I can, I can tell he's pissed off over Thanksgiving, which he, he should have told me directly instead of telling his daughter. He should have told me what was on his mind instead of mentioning to his daughter that his daughter told me. And I just, you know, when somebody lets you off the hook, they let you off the fuck. Oh, you don't have to be there Sunday at 630. You're like, fine, often they call you back on that, letting go. No, no, we switched it to 630.

Fuck you. I already made plans, bitch. You know, so I, uh, you know, maybe he's pissed whatever I'm dealing with. I go, you know, in time he won't be pissed. So I give him a present Christmas Eve, now when we're there Christmas Eve, I noticed my cousin, the female, is sitting with the kids outside. My cousin's okay, but I can tell there's always something wrong with it. She's got a fucking husband, a boyfriend, that's a cop and there's always something going on. It's like, I finally couldn't take him and I go after him. I go, you know, Marta, I came up here to be with you. You're sitting the fuck out of here with you, you know, come on in and talk with us. And I go eat something. And she's like, well, I might eat with my husband, whatever, my boyfriend, I ain't fucking easy. He's

working. Eat something. We're here. You know, we're right in front of you. It's like when you go to get a restaurant somewhere, you go to eat, pick up your order and there's a fucking person taking your order right in front of you. Put that motherfucker on hold. There's a live body with cash in front of you. That's the guy you talked to first. There's the guy with cash in front of you. Fuck who's on the phone. If he cared about his food, he'd get his fucking fat ass down here. Okay. Fuck that motherfucker. When you're doing customer service, you deal with who's in front of you, right? Fuck that homo on the fucking phone. I don't give a fuck about him and his lunch order. He probably wants hummus or some fucking fucked up shit anyway. So I, that's the way I go. Marta,

you're here with your fucking brothers, your dad, your mom is here and you're, we're all in the kitchen eating and you're, you know, so she got mad at me because I said that to her. I go, fuck him. Come in here with us, you know, and she got pissed off and we hung out for another hour and a half. I had a good time with the baby and my cousins and she were playing music and the kids and we were laughing and my cousin's wife and on the way out, I go, good night and my uncle like raises his hand like, fuck you and my cousin raises his other hand like, fuck you, you know. All right, I get in the car and whatever I call them both the next day and thank them. Nobody called me back and then last Thursday was the baby's birthday. I didn't say nothing. I get up the next morning,

I said, my cousin wrote something on Facebook, but that was it. I called it back to thank you for acknowledging. Never call me back. I called it back that night. Never call me back. I didn't even think about it till yesterday or then yesterday, Saturday morning before the improv that, oh my God, my cousin, my uncle, who's pretty tight with the baby, didn't call. And I go, you know what? I'll tell you, in my world, I might have a problem with you, Lee, but I'm still going to give Paul her Christmas present. Right. You know, whatever's going on between me and you, that we'll put that aside. It's her. It's about her. Well, I don't fucking mind not going to be friends with her because you want to be a fucking Momo. So I go, you know what, man, this guy has no idea

that I've never, ever, ever, ever in my life wanted to kill somebody as bad as I wanted to kill my uncle for what he did to me in 1984. You ever watch two fighters fight and then after the fight, they beat the fuck out of each other and they're bleeding? Like, like, what's his name? Kotchak. You know, he's got a glass fucking eye. You think when he sees GSP, he wants to hug him and jump up and down. Yeah, they fought. And yeah, you got to act like a fucking civilized. So people don't talk about it, but deep down inside, he's got a fucking glass eye. He hates GSP. That's how I feel. Yeah. Like we never resolved that situation of what the fuck he was thinking. I was a 21 year old kid, you know, my circuitry was all fucked up, Lee. You know,

I dropped my faith in society. I dropped my faith in religion. I was done. I was done Lee. So I go, you know what, I know who helped me out. I know who'll be cool with me, my uncle. He was always there for me growing up. You know, I wasn't the best person at the time, but it doesn't matter, man. Family's got to take you in. You know, he didn't pick me up at the airport. He didn't answer his phone for days. I finally had to go to the restaurant and hunt them down. I remember sleeping out in front of the restaurant, spending the whole night sitting on fucking whatever, Western Boulevard, whatever that is Vermont Boulevard and all the way in hell down there and sleeping in front of his

restaurant with a duffel bag, getting up in the morning in the restaurant on me calling his house, spending quarters in those days. Every time the answering machine picked up, you lost the 30 cents. Oh no. Oh, the 25 cents. You know, it was a fucking night, man Lee. Finally shows up like a three with some fucking chubby Mexican chick with a smile on his face. He's like, oh, you showed up. Oh, well, I can't sleep, but you can't sleep in my house because sleep upstairs. He puts me in this liquor room with the smell of mice and rats and you know, and then he started telling me things that I really didn't need to know at that age. It's like things about my mother and drugs and how my mother got high when I was inside of her and just shit that you don't tell somebody and

I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? You know? Right. And telling me that I would never amount anything because of the blood line I came from and I'm like, this is fucking cool. Are Hispanic parents a little bit more straight? I don't know if it's straightforward or cool than like white parents are or not. I don't want to say white, but that world was a little bit more, they were more reality. I've noticed it. It's not that they're mean. I mean, that sounds terrible, but they don't pull punches. Like white parents would never say some of the stuff I've seen. So he told, I didn't know this till after I made up with him because his kids told me this story. They're like, when you came to town that time, he called the house. He wasn't living with us then,

but he kept calling the house telling us not to answer the phone if you called. Fuck. You know, like, this is my uncle. This is my blood. You know, if I started thinking about this, I apologized to him 25 years later for my behavior, but he's never taken me aside and say, hey man, I was out of line that weekend too by the things I said to you. You know, you wouldn't amount to nothing. I mean, when I got on that plane after we drew guns at each other and I got on that fucking plane to Jersey, you know, once the smoke cleared, I got furiously. I had, I realized what it had done to me. I was furiously, I think I'm one of the testicle testaments. I talk about how I used

to call him from prison and hang up on him. I mean, this was going back till fucking I came out here. I was kind of scared. And then I looked them up once when I first moved in with Terry. Terry had a yellow page and I looked up the bar and I saw it was open. I called him from Terry's phone and the number had a machine to it. So I knew he still had the bar. And I was talking to Marilyn Martinez one day. I go, Marilyn, where's Vermont? And she goes, it's right there in Hollywood wine. I go, my uncle has a bar at this number. And she goes, hold on, how has David and David, her husband was black, you know, he was from Crenshaw. And she goes, yeah, yeah, there's a bar down there. A Mexican bar. I still go, that's my uncle. And I remember going, you know what,

if I fail here, I'm the way out of town. I'm gonna go and hit him with a fucking two by four. Hit him. And I was dead seriously. I was pissed. But Lee, you get older, you know, and you listen to people and people always say to forgive. And it's like I forgive, but I never forgot. I never really forgot them. And sometimes I'm meeting with them and I want to bring it up like, no, what the fuck were you thinking? You know, at that time, he had cheated on his wife with some chick, and then cheated on that chick with another chick and gotten her pregnant. The third chick, the third chick and the kids around today. And the poor kid, you know, because of his behavior, the poor kid, you could see the kids fucked up too, because the mother didn't want

the mother dropped them off one day and said, I don't want this fucking kid. Oh, no. You know, because it was like she was a jolted lover. You're not gonna be with me. I don't want this fucking kid. I want the kid of who are gonna be together type. Do you imagine that? No. So that's the hell he lives in. You know, and I explained to my wife yesterday, my wife told him and she goes, you know, I didn't really understand the severity of what he had done to you till yesterday. It was it was horridly horrid like how I went home after three days. And then I tried to lash out. Yeah, I tried to lash out and rob him and put a take a gun out on him because I couldn't take what he was saying to me anymore. What if he said it now? Like what if he had said it at this age?

What did it affect you as much? No, because I'm confident in who I am. I really know who the fuck I am at that age. My dad had died at three. My mom had died at 16. I had an idea. I wasn't fucking stupid. You know what I'm saying? Right. But he said things. I remember working and he's like, so what do you want to be a bartender? He goes, that's as far as you'll ever get. He goes, if you're lucky, you might make a good bartender. I can't see you doing anything else. I said, well, you know, I might want to go to school and be a lawyer. He goes, you can't be a lawyer when you're a criminal. It's not in your blood type. I mean, he just was saying and at first I was like, was like that girl that's insecure that talks to a pimp and a pimp tells her and I was like,

this guy is fucking crazy. He's not, he doesn't know anything about me. I just, I'm on Coke and I had a bad run of life and I'm going to get this, you know, and I left there and the whole point of getting, I think in 84, the whole point of getting out of that fucking rocket ship was to get my shit together, go put a bullet in his fucking head. That was the plan the whole time. But then Do you think any of it is he was just trying to motivate you? No, not at all. There's a way, there's a way to motivate people. There's a way to talk to somebody with love. There's a way to talk to somebody fucked up and then reel him back with love. He just talked to me fucked up. There was no love. There was nothing, you know,

sometimes your dad would go, Lee, you got to do this, you know, and you feel bad and he goes, I'm telling you, this is going to be your dad. I love you. And then the way to the car, you go, you know, I can't because he's talking to me from the heart. This guy said nothing from the heart. The only thing he threw at me from the heart was hate and this anger and this, you know, resentment. And then the other thing that was more of that story, my mother had given him money. This is what really shocked me because I was fucked up on drugs. It was five years later, but my mother had given him a ton of money before she died. I don't know what the terms were or whatever. So I thought when I come out of it, he'd go, Hey, man, your mom gave me money before

she died. She gave me 20,000. He's five. Get your life together. I wouldn't have complained, Lee. I wouldn't have said anything. He didn't even make that effort. You know, so it was just a, it was just a fucked up time. I'm going to, you know, I got to talk about revenge. You know, I love revenge. I've always loved when Ari first called me with the fucking story. I thought about when I was a kid one night, this buddy of mine got hit and the guy was a lot older than him. We were probably 16, 17 and this guy was in his twenties. I remember him from being like a freshman in high school. He was a lot older than I was and he was always a content, but he dated a friend, like a girl that I knew and she was young. Like she was like a sophomore and he was like a sophomore

in college probably. You know, we were probably juniors in high school and this guy hit a friend of mine. I go, bro, it would be my honor. Let's get back at this guy regardless of the wind, whatever comes back from it. Right. And we set up this thing and the guy came out and we hit him with a whiff of ball bat with rocks in it. Oh, we got a whiff of ball bat. We cut it. We put rocks in it and then you put a big rock at the end so the rocks don't come out. You throw a little dirt in that motherfucker. You have no idea how hard a whiff of ball bat hurts when it's at the rocks. It would probably hurt empty. It burns empty. It burns empty. You get hit with a whiff of ball bat 15 times in the neck or somewhere the skin's exposed. I just imagined it on the back.

But with rocks in it? Oh my God. And that was my favorite revenge story. I've always, I've always daydreamed about revenge. I don't think I ever, the only thing I ever did was this freaking asshole in high school was pushing me around and he was younger than I was, but he was bigger because I was small. And one day he was messing with me in the gym locker room. I don't remember exactly what he was doing, but I had enough. I was like, I think I was like a junior or a senior and I just slammed him against some lockers and we started, it was like the only real fight I've ever been in. I don't think any punch were even thrown. I just remember slamming his head against some lockers and I got suspended for a day, but I was so, my mom was even mad.

I was so mad. It was the only time I ever did it. You stuck up for yourself. It's weird that people think revenge is, revenge is like for me, revenge isn't just about that. It's like when, like somebody will go, Hey man, fucking, you know, somebody will say to me, you know what, you should bring me your partner. I don't really think Lee's a good partner for you. And I go, okay. And then the podcast or one of the ward. And I'll see that person. Come here for a second. That's revenge to me. Yeah. That was always my big revenge. I feel that way now for like people who are mean to me in high school and I go on a Facebook in there. They're still working at the high school job, which is fine. But a little bit, I feel like, yeah, take that bitch. Yeah. Like a couple of them

have hit me up, like they come out to LA and like, we should hang out. I'm like, we were never friends in high school. Why am I going to drive all the way to Los Feliz to see you now? I'm fucking no parking. Right. You know, revenge, like for me, with my ex-wife, I really wanted to fucking kill her. But I knew that if I stuck around and did well, that would hurt her more. You know, she wanted me to either end up dead, disappear or go to prison because that would never have contact right with them again. But I kept out. And for me, that was my revenge was succeeding at something. So revenge is also something like that. You know, somebody fires you and says, you're fucking an idiot. Really? I'm going to go over to your competitor and watch what I do over

there. And after about two years, you eat their fucking lunch. You just call them everything. Go, how you like me now, bitch? And hang up or breathe heavy and hang up. Whatever the fuck you do, you know? I mean, that's that was always revenge for me in a way. So when he called me and told me about the topic, my dick got hard. It was perfect for me. Yeah. But it's just it's kind of weird how you're supposed to like family. And there's some people like parents. Unless they do something terrible, I'm always going to be there for my parents. But other than that, you're somebody like people make you feel bad if you if you if you don't love them or don't have a good relationship with them, which in reality, it's just you got you got stuck

with them and hopefully have a good relationship, but you don't have to. I get it. I get one thing in life that you're not going to get along with everybody. Okay, you can't you can't life's not that easy. I wish everybody I bumped into we shook hands and flowers popped up and white birds came out. That's what you want. But unfortunately, some people like some people's personalities. Some people, you know, like how somebody looks. Some people don't like how somebody sounds. You know, I'm guilty of it also. I mean, we're all guilty of it. And we're allowed to, you know, you can't like everything. You know, and sometimes two brothers aren't going to get along. Right. Sometimes a sibling and a sister and a brother get along for certain reasons. You know, when I see it,

you know, for me, it was always my dream to have a brother. So from my world, I don't understand you not getting along with your brother. And now it's sort of gotten to the point where we just don't not you. I'm not telling you. Oh, no, but yeah, but just for I don't I haven't talked to my brother in months. Oh, he called a few weeks ago and we talked for like 10 seconds. But we we used to I used to hate them. Like when I live with them, I hated them. But now it's just we were in different places. But do you think part of it might have to do like I met you when you hadn't been a criminal for years? Do you think part of it is your cousins and your uncle just remember back then? And that's why they're not looking at how you are now? No, no, no, because

we got along great. I got along great with my my uncle has two children and one legitimate child. I get along with the kids all three of them. I've gotten along. In fact, the tightest one I'm with is Marta. She just came to my movie shooting and see me Valley. Yeah, I'm real tight with it. Okay. I just she just took what I said wrong. I said it as a get it together. She took it as a wrong thing. Like, you know, if I came to your house Lee and we were all in the kitchen eating your mom, your dad, family, cousins, and you're in the living room watching the football game, I'm gonna look at you and go dog. Are you fucking serious? Your parents are in the other room. Come on. Fuck the score. We'll get it later. Tape it. Who cares?

You know, that's it. Have you got insulted by that? You know, I can't be. I think there was more going on. Okay, I didn't know that when I said that to her. And I tried to apologize later, but she walked away from me. So like I said, I called her the other day after she wished my daughter a happy birthday. Don't I cover the I cover the bases. You know, I'm very fortunate. You know, I said a thousand times God took my parents, but he showed me to give the friendship. And I don't believe you have to have a million friends if you do more power to you. I believe that you could take over the world. I could take over the world with you, Tom Brady and a rabbi with a big black dick. You know what I'm saying?

A black rabbi or just a rabbi? A white rabbi with a black dick. I could take over the world. I could take over the world in my mind. And I can't, but you guys know what I'm coming from. Yeah. With the support system, with your good friends, that's all you fucking need. You know, you want to have 50 people at your birthday party, so be it. 15 of them would laugh at you. You know, you really got six or seven motherfuckers in your corner. Your life's mission is to pluck those six out and to move forward like fucking, you know, like fucking a soldier. That's what you do. If you want to have 50 fucking people, so be it. Then have 50 fucking people. Jesus had 12 and one fucking turned. What makes you fucking think that you're better than fucking

Jesus? Right. Okay. Cause people are going to be your friends and they're going to be happy with your accomplishments. Maybe what you're not accomplishing. This kind of goes back to the Comedy Central thing. I was saying when you were talking about it, when I was younger, I wanted everyone to like me. And I still, everyone wants people to like them, but it took me a while not to force myself into people who don't want me there. So like, did any, did you try to get into Comedy Central and then like just realize like I'm, they don't want me there. I know. I know. You, you know, you know how people treat you, how people react to you. You know, when somebody wants you around, you know, I always get calls from them for a free showcase in Santa Monica

on a Saturday, Tuesday at seven, you know, what's wrong with Melrose? What's wrong with the, you know, and I'm, my feelings don't get hurt. It just makes a guy like me want to work a little harder. You know, when an avenue shuts on you, so many people come out and they go, I can't wait to get into the store. Then they get up there and Mitch, you don't like them. You could take that two ways. You could take that as I'm done or you could take that was nobody's going to like everybody. Jamie Massad is going to like me and I'm going to take what Jamie Massad offers me and make the best of what I could make of it. If it's one spot a week, that's what I'll do. Oh shit. Mitch, he don't like me, but the store likes me. The improv likes me.

Right. Guy at the improv thinks I'm quirky and he gives me Tuesdays and Thursdays. That's a start. Small commitments become big commitments. So not everybody's going to dig you lead. You know, when you had these jobs you were working at. You liked everybody in the fucking office. No. Out of the five people, how many did you really like? How many people would you invite to your home to watch a new England game to see you in your natural habitat? Probably none. Okay then. To be honest. Yeah. Yeah. No, no. You have acquaintances. Everybody has acquaintances. What I'm talking about is four motherfuckers that I could call. Like I call you at six in the morning sometimes when I go, Hey dog, I'm thinking of doing this. So do we,

do I call you the fucking round with you? The interview? No. I call you to tell you I love you. I got your back to do something with yourself in the moon. Don't I always beat you up in the moon? Get up. Yeah. The fuck you doing? I'm eating breakfast. Get the fuck up. Go get up. Go see the sunlight. Those are your friends. Those are your friends. You see how they're doing with those four people. When my world goes aside right now, everyone's so all you know what I call? Loops. I've known Loops since I was 16. The first guy ever did blow it. Because no matter what's going on in my life, Loops always make me giggle a little bit, even if he just stutters one time. I'm howling. What are you doing? I'm over here watching the football game. Boom. I'm dying

of laughter because it hasn't changed. He hasn't changed. He doesn't give a fuck about Brad Pitt. He doesn't give a fuck about Golden Globes, which I put on last night for 10 minutes. Oh, I didn't even put it on? Let me tell you something. My wife was watching me and I was in between riding and fucking around and I went outside the smoke pot on the way in. I looked at this Korean or whatever, this Asian chick. That's Margaret Cho. So whatever. And the other chick had Margaret Cho up on stage doing a little stunt like acting like the Korean guy dressed in the Korean communist suit. Oh, no. And Margaret Cho. I gotta tell you, man, she was pretty good one time. Really? I watched three minutes of it just to see where they were going. I'm like,

who's this? Is this Margaret Cho? I'm a Margaret Cho fan. I'm like, is this Margaret fucking Cho? And all of a sudden, Amy Poehler walks away and the other girl, and she walks the opposite direction by walking like Hitler. Yeah. And the performers were coming right out. She was pretty fucking good. You know, Margaret Cho came out here and got the shaft. You know, like they put her Greg Haraldo and Tom Rhodes on TV after Tim Allen. That's a lot of people don't remember. I'm old enough. I remember this. That was my developing years watching Greg Haraldo on. I think it was common law. And then they canceled Tom Rhodes, Greg Haraldo, and they canceled Margaret Cho. Right. I don't know if Margaret Cho's shows lasted. I don't remember. So don't

quote me on this. And you know what? What do you do when your show gets canceled? What do you do? Do you fucking pack your bags and go home? No, you're still a stand-up. You lost nothing. You took a chance. You know, it's up to you whether or not you continue as an actor or act part-time or fucking do stand-up. And Margaret Cho kept writing and kept developing and kept fucking around and kept her fan base alive. And Margaret Cho sells some fucking tickets, dog. Still, yeah. Fuck, yeah. 2,000 gay people with tattoos will show up at her shows yelling and screaming, smoking rifa. I opened for years ago. Really? I had a fucking phenomenal time. It was mind-boggling. The people that come out to see her are transgenders, transvestites,

people with wigs on, and they're all fucking dynamite. Everybody's got poppers. And she gets a lot of, like, just, you know, I don't know what to call those people. Gentiles, like in motion, I guess. Gentiles in motion. I like that. Jim. Jim. Gentiles in motion. That's a new fucking watch. That'll be big in about two years. With Gentiles in motion. And she was fucking rocking. And I saw how she acted afterwards, and I was very, I've always been a fan of hers. Really? But after I worked with her, I really got there. You see, listen, man, it's not a minority lab she has. It's what she's doing. I like what she's doing. How much respect do you have for other comedians? Like, even, because I would never think you'd like Margaret Cho. Not,

dislike her, but I wouldn't think she'd be your speed. I know who's bringing the funk, and I know who's faking it. Because for years, I did it. You follow me, not as a comic, but as a human being. So I know who's bringing the funk, and I know who's faking it. You know, 20 years from now, you just watched the comic on Club MTV, VH1, when they had stand up, you watched them on whatever evening that the improv was on, and you watched them on HBO. And that's it. You knew nothing about the comic. You liked them. There was maybe, I don't know, how many comedy clubs he came to your town. You went down there. Some of them came out and spoke to you. Some of them didn't. Now it's about the complete package. But for me, it's always been about the complete package.

You don't know how many times when I started the fans of comic, I was a fan of a lot of comics, until I got to meet them. And it's like anything else. You know, it's like anything else in life. Won't you see behind the curtain? So it's a natural reaction. How many comics do I have respect for? First off, I have respect for people like Bill Burr, who's also on a big time show, and got canceled. Because it's not getting canceled. It's what you do with getting canceled. You're going to have a thousand road bumps in any fucking career, whether it's painting or fruit stand or fishing. It's going to be fucking. Last night, I'm trying to write this book and I'm like, this is the most frustrating fucking thing I've ever done. This and fucking jujitsu are just mind boggling how

fucking frustrating they are. But stand up was probably really frustrating for me. And I know it was for a fact because I know how I remember wanting to get forward and not Joe Perez. You know Joe Perez is the young comic guy here. Yeah, he's great. I love Joe Perez and Joe Perez, the young guy who listened to the podcast and he got interested in coming. I guess he's from Long Beach, but his father was in the Valley and he heard us and he came to visit his father and he saw the Ha Ha and he saw all the places that we speak about and he came up here and he moved up here and he signed up for college at Valley College and he's taking classes and he goes to the Ha Ha and he does the open mic and he does all the right things. But he's stuck. He's fucking stuck.

He wrote me an email. Do I want to see him go? Not really. Okay. Like leave? Like leave to go back to Long Beach because he misses his family. You know over here he's struggling. He could go to Long Beach and sleep in his own bed and probably have a job and have a car and have rides to different places. I don't know. I don't know. He had a car that night at the ice house. Right. New years, right? I think so. I love Joe. The other problem with Joe is I haven't had much time to spend with him as a comic. I don't go out that much. The family, the podcast, this is tough, this is a tough jiggle, trying to write, trying to stay healthy. Just all these little fucking things that gets tough for you. Right. And I haven't, but when I see him, he's a great kid. He's

warm. He's receptive. We've had some edibles together with him. He's very nice. Yeah. He's another star. Another one, no. All right. You don't want to start the month. It's fucking Monday. Yeah. So I wrote back in the email that, you know, I understand, but he didn't fail. He came out here, he looked, and now he knows what he has to do. And Long Beach is in far away. No. Yeah. And there's open mics everywhere, or you create open mics. I can't get an email from Iowa going, I want to be a comic, but there's no open mics. Well, you know what? Everybody likes money, fucko. Get up, get a fucking piece of paper, write out a plan for your open mic, write out what you're going to charge, and go to a bar and go, we want to charge $3 on a Wednesday night.

We'll get 10 people here in the beginning, but I want to do it every Wednesday from 8 to 10. And after a year, it'll grow. And I guess what else will happen? I'll grow as a comedian. I'll grow as a theater artist. I'll grow as whatever. Even if I just go up there and do fucking Shakespeare, you know, one scene from Shakespeare by myself, whatever. But it must be, even though you haven't got to hang out with Joe, it's kind of like, as a comedian, you've been there, you can relate to me, you can talk about certain things. Listen, if you write to me and you tell me you install Anolium and you're stuck in your life, I don't know what to tell you. Maybe you should tell Italian fucking Anolium. I know about little

things about Anolium. But if you come to me and you look me in the eye and you talk to me about comedy, I know exactly where you're at because I could tell from your feel, from your voice, from the pain when you're talking to me. We all have that pain, but it lessens. You know, we're all trying to kill that pain, but it lessens the better you get at this or the more you achieve your goals or the easier your life becomes. The pain goes down. He's 20, 19, 20. He could move to fucking Long Beach and do comedy in front of a mirror for five years and come back here when he's 25 and still be a killer. Yeah. Do you follow me? Yeah. So what? This is a little hard for him now and it's going to be hard. Listen, man, what a story that a lot of people don't know is,

I went to New York in 1994 as a comic from Boulder. When I went to New York, it was for various reasons. It was for one, to give my relationship space. Number two, I had a friend who was going to help me, but number three was the purpose of getting better at stand up. You know how much effort I put into it? Not too much. I put in just enough for Joey Diaz at the time. And guess what happened, Lee? I failed, but I didn't fail. I got to understand what I had to do to take it to the next level. Now I had a decision to make. Now I had a decision to make. You know, somebody told me their child went to college and didn't like it was too hard for them. And I had had a conversation with this parent years ago and said, don't send him to college. Whatever the fuck he wants to do,

make him go down there a few days a week and see what these motherfuckers are really doing before he signs up for this. He never did that. So they spent all this money in this fucking college, got him out there, and the kid came home because it was too rough for him. He didn't know if this is what he wanted to do. You know, that kid feels like shit now. Their parents feel like fucking shit now, but he didn't fail. He came home. He had a roast beef sandwich and you're going to set a plan. It's just like goals or writing a plan. You got your ass kicked for what? You're going to get your ass kicked every fucking day of your normal. Life fucks you up some way or another. You drive over a fucking bottle, you get a flat tire. What are you going to do?

You're going to tap out? No. You get the fucking tire fixed and you go to work and tell them to go fuck them. So where's Tony Bennett here? It's a beautiful day to be alive. Monday, January 12th. If you didn't achieve your goal last week, you'll achieve it this week. Last week I wrote down I was going to two jujitsu's. Monday, I went to 10 planet. Wednesday, I went to the fucking Hagan. If you don't write it, it ain't going to happen. Oh, shit. How are you feeling, buddy? I'm pretty fucked up. Are you ready for another star death? No, joining in one star is good for me. You want another joint? Sure. As I

Or somebody who will swear to be true as you used to do with me. What's up, buddy? You were fucked up on Saturday, but and then you were sick, but you still went outside. I was surprised. Like I was like not nothing like you could you always talk to people but you were standing in the rain and like you were had a cold. Listen, bro, what are you going to do? These people come from Australia. They come from fucking Lancaster. They come from all over. They got to have a few drinks and drive home with DUI alerts everywhere. I got to give them a hug. I got to take a picture. If they wanted to take a picture with a guy that's fucking leaking from his nose,

you got to give them a fucking hug. Right. They made the effort. They made the effort. They drove down. It's time for another star. Are you really popping another star? Fuck yeah. It's Monday. It's January 12th. I got goals. I got a right today. I don't know if I'm going to work out because it's shitty. I still want to give my lungs another break. I don't have much today, brother. Maybe we go get a steak time. Greg and Lynn gave us that fucking thing for Ruth Chris. I want to tell them love again. Oh my God. Oh my God. What? That's a vitamin for Uncle Joey. I just popped the vitamins. Some people pop a one a day. That's my fucking one a day. Except it's not one a day. It's one every 30 minutes. What are you going to do? You know what I'm saying? You got to get to the goal

regardless of what your goal is. It's Monday. What are you going to do? Paula was so fucked because she gave me one on Saturday and she just kept looking at me. She was like, are you high yet? Because she's never done it. So she was like kind of interested. She's like, are you high yet? And she started giggling a little bit. I said, not not yet. And then like, I think you were going off about something crazy at the show and I just started dying and she started looking at me and she just, she was like, oh, it's the week. She put two into the gather. Yeah. Yeah. Cause you start giggling. My wife always knows when I'm fucking giggling. I fucked up. There was a cat fight this morning and I got then Fidel standing there in the middle

of it. So he's back. Oh, good. Keep asking me. Thank you for all the Fidel warm wishes out there. He's doing great, man. He's a good cat and I'm happy. I still haven't got the fucking bill from the vet. Oh no. Do you have pet insurance? I got every type of insurance when it comes to those fucking cats. You need it, dog. Those fucking cats. You just take them. But I got, you know what? I got a pretty affordable vet. I got a good guy in studio city. He takes good care of me. V, V, Mac or something like that. That you do just to please? No, V, M, A, C or something. I think it is. I don't know. They were, they were, they were really good to my wife and they were good to me and they, they liked Fidel. You know, I have a couple, I don't have a lady Jill who works on a

pet place over here and I go over there and see her for vitamins and stuff. I have a few people, they know, you know, I take care of their cats and shit on the block. You know, Jill is down the corner for me, but she's got Biggie. That's her house. Biggie lives outside and the, the, the, the smoky. He's like a great cat. His friend. Yeah. His goomba and they're always by my house chilling and shit. So she's like, thank you for, and it's, I love having an animal community. I love Millie. I love the, the Rottweiler up the corner, the black guy with the pimple that wouldn't put him on the leash move to somebody gave him a ticket. Something happened with him because I don't see him anymore. Okay. He was a big scumbag. But besides that, we still have a lot of nice people in

the neighborhood. There's a tall blonde with a German shepherd that he's fucking beautiful. She's beautiful, but you want to see the dog. Oh really? That's crazy. Like she's tall, lanky, really sweet, but you see the dog and he jumps on you. He always nibbles on your hand and shit a little bit. I love them. I love them. So I'm sorry I get emotional. I'm happy the cat's good. As we've been talking about, I went to see a doctor last week. I have a really good cardiologist, whatever the heart doctor is. He's a friend. I got to, I didn't go to him because I had a bad heart. I went to him because it was a bad EKG reading. And we ended up becoming friends. And we spoke, you know, we speak once a month and he talks

to me about my way and he talks to me about new breakthroughs. He's a good guy, Dr. Soleimani. And he wants about three years, maybe four years ago, he referred a gastric bypass to me and I told him he was crazy and he offered to give me a cost, you know, and he, he was just really nice to me. And I said, you know, if you're willing to do that, I have to work out on my end. So I went to weight watches and I lost 100 pounds. And we've always kept in touch. I go see him twice a year and he does my blood pressure. But the last two times he's been really concerned with my blood pressure. And he's mentioned it again. He's like, you should go. But I thought about it. Then I went to New York and I bumped into Lisa Lampinelli. And she told me after again, Lafini died that it was

big that a lot of people at 50 were doing it because you just, you know, you just don't, it's just virtually impossible. How hard is it to lose weight when you're at your age right now? I do it. I do it. But I don't do it at the rate I want to do it. I see you sometimes and you're like, I can't believe I'm stuck here. I'm in the same boat sometimes. Like it was dropping a lot easier with the weight watches. Now I'm doing more. And it seems like it's not coming off, you know, and I've been doing my fitness, which I love. I think it's fucking great, you know, it's great. But it's, and we were talking about it earlier. You could have 23 great hours. But anything after nine or 10 o'clock, it's never, you're not going to lose it.

I gotta be honest with you guys, Thursday, I did a tremendous kettlebell session. Or Friday, it was shitty out Friday. I didn't have to do anything Friday night. It was shitty out. It was like five o'clock. It was cloudy. I went over there. I must have did 10 sets of swings. I was breathing right. I had two great workouts last week, you know, but the kettlebell, I had two weight workouts that were great. I had a barbell workout when I rode the bike on Sunday. Monday, I went to Jiu-Jitsu with Tuesday. I took off Wednesday. I went to Jiu-Jitsu with Hegan and Friday I did the kettlebells. I was sore Thursday from the Jiu-Jitsu on Wednesday. And Friday, I did the kettlebells. I had to eat something, Lee. I didn't eat an edible Friday.

And just from pushing that metal around, I was so fucking hungry. I was so fucking hungry. So I did one protein shake, 30 grams of protein, 300 calories. Boom. I bought an alloy and I go, I gotta do it again. I'm fucking starving. I did it again. Boom. I ate an apple, two organic apples, a banana, and then there was salami and cheese. That motherfucker went down like a submarine, you understand me? And you have this willpower and you try. And that was it. Like, it's not like I'm eating chips and eating ice cream, nothing like that. The other night when I dropped you off with Paul, I went to 7-Eleven and I got a protein bar, a no sugar protein bar. You know, I really wanted to stop at that diner and get a cheeseburger and a piece of apple pie

with you guys. I really, really wanted to go. I was just as high as the next guy. But I try. But when you try like that and you're still just losing a pound a week, it just gets discouraging. Right. You say, what the fuck? And then it's all, if I'm going to be this way, then anyway. I'm going to be this way anyway. But I don't throw it like that. No, I'm really good like that. I'll say, you know what? I'll just be patient because I know I'm doing the right thing. I'm drinking a lot of water. I'm drinking green tea. It's not like I'm drinking any soda at all. You know, yeah, Mike, what did I have when I drank soda? I had something that you got to have with soda. I forget what the fuck it was. And then the other day, Doug, the girl gave me a glass of coke.

And I got to tell you, it tasted pretty fucking good. Yeah. I felt bad. She goes, it's coke. What am I going to say? Give me die coke. And now what are you going to do with this? I just drank it was six or seven ounces. It wasn't bad. But besides I'm drinking green tea and more fucking, those gallons of water go at my house. Those fucking, they go. I think you'll notice if you do this because it takes your stomach down to like two ounces. I don't even know what it is now. It has to be like 10. It has to be the size of a fucking tuba. I think you'll realize when you can only eat that much, how much you were eating. Because that's the thing that with my fitness pal, I didn't, you don't think you're eating that much. And then the more you put in, you're like,

oh shit, just that little bit was 800 calories or so maybe who knows? I mean, I hope it works. But well, you know, I went, I talked to him. I think your stomach goes from a liter to two ounces. It's not, you know, at first I, for the last three or four years, a dear friend of mine, a Hensel Blake, Gracie Blackbelt, John Rallo has a friend that had it. And his friend had great success with it. And he kept calling me and going, Joe, you're killing yourself because he's older. He's 50. He was 50 when he did it also. I'm like, come on, you can do it by going to the gym. He goes, bro, I go every day. Rallo was like, dog, this guy works harder than anybody I know. And he's healthy, you know. What the breaking point for me was when I went to this doctor

last Monday, I got to be honest with you, I did not want to go. I did everything I could not to go to this meeting last Monday at two o'clock. I even called him and said, I'm running late, I'm working at Fox Studios. And they're like, we'll wait for you. I was like, damn. So I got then it was an orientation class. And you sit there and they described the procedure to you, what's going to happen, what to expect. And I'll tell you, man, the procedure sounds easy. It's not the procedure. It's leading up to it. And afterwards, it's hard work. First of all, two weeks of just a liquid fucking diet. That's murder. Right. That's murder. I think a month before I got to go on a liquid diet for two weeks before that. Oh, no, no sugar, no ice cream,

you know, milkshake without ice cream is like sucking a dick and nothing coming out. It's like sucking a dry pussy. You know what I'm saying? Where's the payoff? Where's the fucking payoff? No squirt, no nothing. Sucking a dry pussy. That's terrible. What the fuck are you going to do? A milkshake with water and powder. And I've been, you know, that don't fly with me. But I called my buddy Ralph Fusso who had it done. And he had it done. Yeah. Ralph finally tapped out all that. Who really got me thinking about it. Joan had it. Her daughter had it. Kelly at 35. And then once Ralph had it, I go, break it down to me. He goes, I couldn't shake off the weight plus my blood pressure was too

high for a long time. Now, when I got locked up in prison, I was possibly the best shape of my life. I didn't have a car. I rode a bike everywhere in Boulder in high altitude. I was part of the master swimming program. I had a boxing regimen that I worked out with and I lifted weights. I was always doing something. I would work at Hertz rent a car, which meant I was always moving. I was in tip top fucking shape. My diet was great. I had the guy, the master swimming guy, put me on protein shakes and I was eating eggs and I wasn't touching potatoes. And I was a young kid. And I went to prison and the first thing they flagged me was at the diagnostic center for my high blood pressure. They're like, your blood pressure is off the charts. You're 27 years old.

Did you know about this? And I'm like, no, I had a fucking idea. I'm Cuban. My asshole is always on fire. I mean, I'm always, you know, I'm always on overdrive in my mind. So I had a fucking idea that maybe my blood pressure is high and then they put me on medication. I've been doing this since I was 27 years old. Wow. So if I 27 tip top shape, my blood pressure was high. It's fucking astray. Every time I walk into a doctor's office, they take my blood pressure and they read me the numbers and my head fucking falls off. Then I rest for 10 minutes, then it goes down gradually, but still not tremendous. At this point in my life, I'm like three or four medications for blood pressure, I think. Oh, wow. Yeah. And then last Monday, when I went to this fat man doctor, you

have to do this thing, you have to watch it. I was there for a few hours, three or four hours. So I don't even know because you weren't heavy before you went to prison. No. So is it just all mostly genetic and then a way just makes it worse? Because I I think the blood pressure thing was genetic. Maybe. Yes, it was from my mother's side. Maybe my uncle's okay with it. But the weight, I don't know where I got it from. You know, my mother had a lot of movement also. She moved also. I didn't get this way from you don't, you know, my mother wasn't lazy. My mother fucking moved in the daytime. So she put weight on after her bar closed, not hundreds of pounds. You know, I did a dramatic

weight gain. Oh my godly. It was and it wasn't a short period of time. I went from A to Z. You know, I went from 260 to 350 to 400. Like there was no in between as it felt like. Every time I looked at the scale, I was putting 20 pounds on, you know. So at this point, I felt really guilty. I couldn't believe I was even considering the surgery. Then I had mercy. You know, it's going to take me two years to lose this fucking weight. You know what, guys? You see me on stage. I'm going to stroke out. You know, I'm on stage doing a lot better because my heart's into it more. There's no more blockage. There's no cocaine. I'm talking about what I

believe in. It's not like I'm up there trying to be funny for Comedy Central or some agency. I'm talking about some of my heart. So it makes it easy to come across. But to also sell that, you've got to have that little anger on the, that little engine running costs you. It costs me, you know. Right. So yeah, I'm going to have the gastric done going for the psychological evaluation on Wednesday. I'm going to a support group Wednesday night this week and the next week, the 21st. Yeah. And then hopefully by then I'll get my insurance will say yes. And I'll get a surgery date. That's awesome. It's kind of like what you're talking about earlier. Like you looked at it like a failure kind of when you thought about doing the surgery, but it's not. But you work, you're

working out more than ever. You're eating healthier. It's just in the next step. It's, listen, man, I look at mercy and I know what it is to grow up without a dad. You know, I could sit here when I write these little books and these little memoirs and my pages. You know, I put a lot of it on my mother, but it really wasn't my mother. This is what my fucked up started when my dad didn't come home. You know, my mother used to tell me, when you were a little kid for years, every time the door would open, you'd look at the door to see if it was your father. That just thinking of that thought for mercy pains me because I know how tight her and I are already at this age. You know, we're

getting real tight. You know, I was thinking about the triads. Did I tell you about this? No. Triads. Like the Asian gangs? The Asian gangs were where the mafia concept came from. The Italians didn't create the mafia. The Chinese did. It's a Chinese concept. But the guys, the early guys that started the concept, they figured out that they used their daughters as bodyguards and confidants. Did you know that? No.

They used their daughters because your daughter is your fucking best friend in the world. To have a daughter is a certain fucking power that you don't see. I can't see it. When I see movies about a girl getting raped, I can't imagine how a father must feel. It's like he got raped, you know, and that's at every fucking level with your kids. But a daughter father bond is very strong. In some cultures, it's even stronger. You know, it started getting to the point where even the Sicilians started using their daughters as bodyguards and confidants because all the men were getting shot and getting taken to fucking jail. You know, a woman, a girl, a daughter is not going to let her dad do time and vice versa.

Right. You know, it's a really weird thing. And I already see the bond building. I understand what happens to women when they grow up without a dad or they have beef with their dad and stuff. Right. How cool was it on her birthday? Like, I saw the picture with the Carvel Cake. God damn. It was just the Carvel Cake was fucking delicious. Delicious. She loved it. Yeah. She loved it. I loved it. Listen, Mercy, she was two, but she didn't know the fucking planet she was on that day. She didn't know. She just, I took her to kid space, a little place up in Pasadena,

you pay 11 bucks and you let them fucking loosen there and she ran and she picked up this things to build. There's all this like scientist type shit where you put a ball in the catapult and pull it down. The ball shoots out. You're having more fun than she is. Yeah. And it rolls to the side. There's another thing where you pull ropes. She, there was one place where you built shit and there was balls on the floor. All she kept doing was pick up the balls and hide them. And then she'd go to get more. A little kid would see her balls, take them and she'd go and fucking my balls. She'd hide them

again. And I sat there for hours and wanted to do that. Then you go inside and there's like an underground tunnel and spiders and fucking beehives and shit. She didn't give a fuck about none of that. All she gave a fuck was about running. And two o'clock we had some lunch. That nice lunch up there had tuna salad with no bread. It was a nice lunch. I thought it was going to be dog shit, but it was delicious. And then we just went home and relax with her. She took a nap when she woke up. We each had a piece of a caramel cake and we sang a happy birthday. And that was it. She still didn't know what planet she was on. Once she ate the sugar from the caramel cake, she was really fucked up.

But it was a great day. It was a great day for the house. Like I said, my wife is in another fucking planet right now, Lee. Yeah. So as long as she's fucking happy, I don't give a fuck. Let's crack a whack. You know what I'm saying? Right. What does she think about you doing the surgery? Because she met you when you were 400. Well, she met me when I was about three, 10, maybe 200, maybe 280. Really? And then you went up to four. Okay. She started crying food and shit. You know, when I first met Terry, those first, that first two years, we ate jack beans and fucking

pork chops and desserts and pineapple upside down cake. And that was just at the house. Never mind what I eat when I leave. You know, when you go do comedy at the comedy store, you see what you're close to. You're close to the pink taco. You're close to being just tacos. You're close to the, have you ever been to the, to the standard and gotten the blue cheeseburger? Yeah. On the standard? You don't know what you're missing, son. They got that fucking thin carnies. They saw hot dogs and cheeseburgers and chili dogs there. So when you first moved to the store, you just eat around the store. Yeah. No, no, no, I'm always up for late night food. Yeah, fuck yeah. I just don't understand eating. Like there's no place to really get a good, was that place open

that night 24 seven? No, we went to the subway. I know you went to fucking subway. It's probably open, but it was open when we drove by. I thought the diner probably I was too high to look. The I liked Ron and said open, but I didn't see anybody in there. Sometimes they're old. They forget to turn the open sign off. Photo pulls in there and they were closed. I've been fucking pissed off, you know, but no, I think I'm going to do the gastric sleeve and I've got a little support group. Kelly Davidson. I've got Ralph Fusso. I've got my other buddy who had it, Martin in Florida. I got about four friends that had it. So I called them all up. I asked them what they thought. I called every doctor I deal with. Radici, the fucking psychoanalyst that took the hypnotize

me so I could breathe better. I called my knee doctor. I called the family doctor. Why I discussed the way he gave me the recommendation. What about Dr. Amy? I talked to Dr. Amy about it because Dr. Amy shares an office with a guy who does lap bands. So she knows more a little bit about it. So I called her first. So I talked to everybody and everybody was conclusive, man, that this is... I talked to Joe. Joe sent an email to one of his doctor buddies and she sent us an email together. She's t-seeded and it was very interesting. You know, the only downfall is deficiencies and vitamins. Because you can't eat as much? Because you can't eat as much. And I don't think you put the pills in like the vitamin pills at first. So I'll lose my hair. I'll lose a little bit of hair until my

protein and everything comes back up. You know, there's deficiencies in B12. You have deficiencies and vitamin D. But the other side is that is my blood pressure. All that stuff affects everything. The weight affects the joints. I like exercising. I like sweating. I like going down and feeling like a fucking man. I like throwing around some weights. I believe in it. I really like doing Jiu Jitsu. But because I have the obesity hyperventilation thing, Jiu Jitsu becomes double fucking hard. Even when I'm in the bottom, it's hard. But even when I'm on top, it's hard sometimes. It's hard to breathe. You know Jiu Jitsu is a game of inches and you're on top of the guy like a blanket. If I'm on top of you as a blanket, I still can't fucking breathe. Right. You know,

I said to you the other when he told me you're going to do it, I was like, this will be like when you do batting practice with the donut on the bat, and then you swing fast when you take it off. You'll do Jiu Jitsu. If you lose 80 pounds, 50 pounds and just be flying. The big concern is strength. The big concern is you lose a lot of muscle tissue because of the lack of protein. Okay. I'll just double it up. I'll just hire John Evans and just work with me with weights every fucking day for an hour to stay on top. You know, he doesn't have to stay on top of me. I'll stay on top of me myself. But what I'm trying to say is somebody who will do the weight with me. You know, somebody who when you lift heavy weights and you're looking like, you know,

four sets of 10 or five sets of 10 or five sets of six, whatever the fuck you're doing, you want somebody that'll push you, you know, you have one set left. Somebody just puts their hands up and pushes it up a little bit. So that's what I would definitely do. You know, I'm looking forward to it. I can't tell you that I can't lie to you and tell you that there's a lot of shit I won't be able to eat ever again. I won't be able to eat the Chan's Egg Roll ever. I don't think so. I'll go with you. We'll cut in half. Shit. I won't be able to eat. I have a milkshake like with ice cream. I don't think you can eat sugar. I think there's so many fucking things that you just can't eat anyway. But it was time for me to say goodbye to those things anyway. I mean,

I had a good time with them and I've enjoyed them. And I've been very good. That's what frustrates me that I could see if I was one of those guys, you know, when you're at Weight Watches, every week, people come in and they don't lose shit. Right. And they're like, what do you mean? I gained four pounds. I didn't eat a thing this week. I drank water. Listen, come here. Let me talk to you. You ate something. Then they'll go, oh, oh my God, no, it couldn't have been. I went to dinner with my friends the other night at Cheechee Chong and the Poopal Planet. You know, and you're like, that's what it was. Well, the guide said it was 10 calories per. No, but you ate 52 of them. Right. You know, when you eat 52 of them, it's like anything else. If you either suggest a serving

or M&Ms, it's nothing. That's the biggest, that's the craziest thing. If you go look, like if you go look at a bag of trail mix, there's 18 servings in it. Right. But how many calories per serving? 100, but like you have to have like a quarter of a cup and normally you just put your hand in there and throw it in your mouth. Yeah. And then you throw your hand in there again, and you throw your hand in there again. Have you had the fucking trail mix from Nature Box? No, this one. No, they didn't tell me that one. The cleansing trail mix or something. Oh my God, got these chocolate stars in them. Oh my God. Clamans and cashews and raisins. Fucking delicious. Just delicious, man. Sometimes you eat that. And that's what,

you know, you miss, I'm not a fucking depression eater. It's not like I go home and get a quart of ice cream. Do you know what I'm saying? I don't eat. I mean, if I'm sad or something, what makes me happy? I don't, you know, chicken cutlets with mashed potatoes and cream corn. And some cranberry juice. Yeah. That makes me very happy, but I don't know what it is now. Do you eat fast? I've been noticing. That's the other thing. When I'm high, I just throw it in there. I've been trying to eat slower. That's the other thing. That's the other fucking villain in this fucking contest. It's you eat so fast. I eat so. The other day we got a sandwich. By the time you opened your wrapper, I had already wolfed it down.

You took like four bites. And it was gone. And you inhale it and it destroys your stomach. They want you to chew everything 60 times. So it's like a mush in your mouth. And if you do that, you get tired just from chewing. And especially with the surgery, because I only have a limited space. Right. So they want you to chew. You know, I won't be able in about, I think a month before the surgery, I can't drink fluid with my dinner until 45 minutes after I finish eating. Do you have to just eat and then drink later? Dry. Yep. Oh no. That's gonna be tough. So you're gonna have to eat a lot less and different kinds of food. Nothing too salty. It's not, you know, people think, oh yeah, I'll just go have the surgery.

That's it. I'll become a fucking scarecrow. No, no. It's fucking work, guy. It's work. There's TV shows and stuff where people don't lose the weight who have the surgery. Really? Yeah. It's cool that there's a show called My 600 Pound Life and they're like 700 pounds and if you don't exercise and you don't eat, right? Because like the whole thing is like you, they shrink your stomach, but if you put too much in it, like it stretches again. Because it's the human body. So if you don't do it right, it's not like they're gonna suck it out of you. Do they even have liposuction anymore? Could I just go in there today and just say like, take out 100 pounds? I wouldn't, but do they even do that anymore?

Wait a minute, they stick the tubes and you suck the fat out? Fuck yeah. I don't know. I bet now they have something even better. I thought they were freezing people's fat. I've seen that, but I think that's only for like low-handles. But what's that? What do they do? I think it's like kind of like, like how they take warts off and stuff and like not that intense, but just they, they, I think it's a bunch of treatments and helps you lose like 10 pounds or something. I don't know. It's another fad.

I'm fucked up. Hell yeah. Well, you just had, how many did you have before you got here? None. Come on. None. I haven't fucking. You always, I feel like you have a cookie jar. I smoked a half a joint. There you go.

I smoked a half a joint at about four when I woke up. I had some coffee. I rowed a little bit. I fed the cats. I cleaned the little boxes. Yeah. I put the heat on. I always love when you say to people, I haven't, I haven't smoked today. Well, tell them what that means. That means an edible and like two hits off. But no, no, no, no. I smoked a couple of pipe fills outside while I was drinking coffee and I wrote and that was it. And I came here and I smoked that numbois with you.

And then I fucking ate the two stars with you. Jesus. But the stars hit your fucking heart. These little anarchy stars. They do. They hit your heart. You like. You introduced me to the chef on Saturday. That wasn't the chef. She just works there. Well, I know, but.

Eliza, she's a good fucking kid. This is a great store. I like this medical marijuana store. The new, you know, people were upset and for all you fucking haters that always send me stupid tweets or they're closing all the medical marijuana stores down. They closed down the bad ones. The people that stayed open now, the people that had the original IPOs, these people got to run a fucking tight shit because, I mean, it's like where I go there. Herbal Sound, the Sunset Herbal Sound there. That place has three cute girls. They're fucking knowledgeable. They've got, I gotta tell you, they've got 30 different fucking strengths. They have to. Easy. They've got three boards. They got the Sativa board, the Indica

board. They got the fucking hybrid board. Then they got the PR board, which is the private reserve board, which is low. And then they have three brands that are 50 and eight that'll kill you. Like Disney. I don't know. I don't fucking know. But anyway, what board do you do? Do they just have a Joe Edds board? I go to the last one, you know, I go right to the Disney, the PR, whatever. There's three weeds in that one. And something else to perform. I don't know what the fuck it is. Delicious. So I switch it around. I get the top three. Yeah. And then sometimes I fuck around with the PRs. Like what we smoked today was PR skywalking. The private reserve. That's what I thought was. Was it not good? Did I give you some shitty weed this morning?

No. Fuck no. Does it sound like you give me shitty weed? No. I gave you the top of the fucking board. I don't understand. Yes, I went to the wheel the day before and I was sitting there and I'm out there waiting 10 minutes and there's two chicks walking. I'm like, I can't. And I went in and I go, what these girls bought? Oh, they bought a gram. An hour? An hour for a fucking gram? You go in there, you look at that girl in the face and you go, I want this shit to kill Lincoln. And they'll give you the PRs or the fucking, the top shelf Disney or whatever the fuck they got. You buy it and you fucking leave. They got great deals. They got phenomenal deals. Like the PRs, they give you one gram for 15, two grams for 20 or like two and a half grams for 25 or something

like that. It's not bad. No. On certain days that you could spend the wheel and win weed. How much do you smoke in a day? Now? Yeah. Couple g-bows, couple grams. You gave me a gram once, I think it lasted for like four months. You still got that weed the fucking house, don't you? No, no, it's gone now. What about the animals you had? I still have one edible left. How can you have one? Because I take a little bite and it gets me high enough to fall asleep. I don't need to get, I don't need to fucking get this high every, every day. You're not even high right now. What do you mean you're not high right now? What are you going to do when you leave? Are you going to go to Denny's and get to Grand Slam? No. I'm going to go home and make a bagel and that's it. I think I might try

to take a nap and then go about my day. Go to the gym. Make a bagel. Yeah. What kind of bagel do you make? Cinnamon raisin. It's only $200. How do you bag when you go to the fucking store and get a fresh bagel? I don't know. Tell me that you get that shit from Ralph's. Go home and toast it. I do. Tell me that. What, what do you? Because I know how many calories are in there. You open up your mailbox thinking today's the day I'm going to get a letter from the Jews throwing me out of the fucking club. How the fuck is a Jew eat fucking bagels out of a bagel? Because the bagels at the big place are like 400 calories. They're huge. So you want to be a Jew or you want to be a fake Jew? Which Jew do you want to be? I'd like to be real Jew. Then you got to eat the real bagels guy. How the fuck

are you, you get those things that come in a bag from Ralph's and you play. They're good bagels or Western bagels? They're fucking good bagels. They're decent. Why are you lying to me for? Let me tell you what we accept living out here. Like what you accept when you go home and you have a bagel and you go, those ain't fucking bagels. No that's right. I can't get a good poppy seed bagel out here. Oh my god. Listen, I'm stopped. There's a place on Little King that used to go. Still there. Whatever the bagel place is. Yeah. You go in there and the bagels are fucking tiny. Oh no. Tiny. You're like, hmm. And they got, they got Bialy's and shit, but I don't even try it. I just won't fucking try it. You know, that's why I'm, you know, I'm ready for this move with the gastric

bypass. I have a gastric sleeve. And you know, thanks to Lisa Lampinelli and her husband, Frank, and you know, I did some reading and I think Rosie O'Donnell did it. A bunch of people had done it after Gandolfini scared a lot of people. You know, we're at that age. You know, you can't eat one. We've had that thing that Greg and Lynn gave us. That gift card. Yeah. The gift card. And we keep saying, we're going to go, we're going to go. And you and I both know we're going to go and make fucking animals of ourselves. We got to go after we lift weights and you walk from here to fucking Iberian back. It's not like, are they open for lunch? I don't know. I don't know. Chris, because maybe we'll go today up there. Okay. I can't work out because I still got this little

flu bug. So maybe we'll go up there and get a little lunchy poo. You're in Woodland Hills? Yeah. Uh, no. It's not open for lunch. No, they open at five. This is what I'm saying. What the fuck do these people do? What do they do all the time? We sell by a $50 a steak at two in the afternoon. It's not a $50 a steak. They got lunch specials. If you go to this one, where's the other place we go? Morton. Morton. Do they not have a lunch special? Yeah, they do. $19.95, $14.95, $11.95. Did you not see it? We not go and then they give you a chicken. If you want to spend $20, you could spend $20. You want to spend $30. You don't like your spend $30. But if you want to spend $10 at Morton's for lunch now, they fucking got it. That's a beautiful thing.

Right, yeah. That's a beautiful thing. I don't understand that. You know, it's like martial art schools. You drive around, you see these martial art schools, they close. But then I go on fucking coupon and they're all on a coupon. Well, you wouldn't have to drive your prices if you spent some time in there if you answered people's questions. When people have an answer about jujitsu or kung fu or karate, especially jujitsu now, everybody wants to get in shape. They're going to call and I'm going to get the machine. Guess where they're going to go? They're going to go to whoever answered the phone first. Right. That's where they're going to go. Whoever answered the phone. And then when the guy goes, you know, I'm 400 pounds. I'm embarrassed.

Listen, come on down. I'll sit you in the back. I'll work with you. You know, this will be easy. I'll walk you through it. In fact, since you're 400 pounds, I'm going to give you two classes. You just won that guy. If you call me and go, hi, Joey, my name is Lee. I'm thinking of joining jujitsu. Can I come down at seven? Call me back. My number is three, two, three. That's it. You lost me. You lost me. It's customer service when a customer service fucking base world, right? Right. Yeah. I spent 45 minutes in CVS the other day picking up a prescription for Paula with Paula and they just, there was only one person then they were helping another guy and then they did the drive through window and then they did the calling and then they got

took us 45 minutes to get us a tube of some cream. I go to CVS to pick up my prescriptions and I'll tell you what, they pissed me off. They pissed me off a lot, but they tried. They always pissed me off because they're shorthanded. Yeah. They're very shorthanded. They have one person at the register who takes the prescriptions and who teaches you the prescription. Like, then they have a different window that you stand on. And then they have another window that you take the prescriptions and she's the same chick and the chick that's behind the counter, making the prescriptions, she don't do dick. She don't want to answer the phone. She don't want to fucking do nothing. So you stand there.

So for some people, customer service means who gots. Right. That's what I said. If I'm in front of you and you're on the fucking phone, you're slipping because I'm in front of you with cash in my fucking pocket ready to give it to you because they used to have like mom and pop pharmacies. Like you didn't have to go to like a chain. There used to be just like a pharmacy on the corner, right? Right. I never experienced that. Joe the farmer. Joe the whatever. The farmer. When I was a kid, there was a one across the street from Hatchways. A pharmacy? Yeah. It's still there. And I knew the guy, the guy would go to the bar when we were kids and we talked to him and stuff. But I met him at the bar and years later, I had a doctor that would give us quicker

prescriptions and he would give me prescriptions for steroids and my friend Darren was dead. And I would have to call him and go, Hey man, I'm getting this prescription, but it's really not for, you know, I would see him and he'd go, Why do you need steroids for those steroids? I kind of been there. Not for me. He never said nothing to tell me the guy was really cool. He's like, I'll get you something different. Tell your friend to come see me. You know, it was local pharmacists. They were cool in those days. There wasn't so the DEA didn't have a count on pills. Right. You know, you can move some pills here and there now. You're responsible for everything. You're responsible for every fucking cotton ball. You're responsible. I mean, it's amazing because

people have fucking abused it. Right. You know, people have abused the fucking system. Let's do some shout outs and let's see what the fuck is going on here today. Happy birthday to my man, Tommy Heta, the Sandman, Andrew Nandell, John Shaw, Cleo, Larry Davis, I hate Matt, Talking Lair, which we have a GoFundMe for Talking Lair. He's a friend of the podcast. He's a friend of the families and he got sick and I still haven't seen the GoFundMe up. Yeah, it's up. It's on my Twitter. Let me find the link for you right now. John Carasso, Justin Gronowski. Here we go. And my man, Sandman, again, he's a good fucking dude. A lot of people, we raised over 1100 bucks in like three days. It's on my Twitter.

It's on Steve Simone's Twitter, but it's easy. Just GoFundMe.com slash jv02kw. Listen, it's January 12th. Things are fucking tough out there. They're tough for everybody. I talked to my brother this morning on the drive here. Things are tough in some parts of the country. The country's dead till fucking the snow leaves, which is in March. Nobody wants to make a move. Nobody wants to spend money. Maybe he wants to see what law is, you know, this Talking Lair kid, what's his real name? Larry. Larry is a good guy. I've had the pleasure of meeting him three or four times in Vegas. We were going to do breakfast last time. You know, we stayed out the full in the morning. A dollar. Everybody listens to the podcast. This guy's not some guy on Twitter

that's running some fake fucking GoFundMe. This is some kid that's sick and needs our help. He's not even looking for much. No, you said he's looking for a thousand bucks. His mom put up 2,000 bucks. He didn't even, I don't even know if he knows about it. He's been everywhere. There's a lot of great people on Twitter, like Renee, who just came out. We have a lot of great people on this network. We all, there's a lot of people that open up great and then they disappear. There's people that's family. Larry has been our family since day one. Listen, like I said, I know it's tough. I'm not asking you all to put $150 in there and be a big shot and put your name up. There's no need for that. This guy's looking for two dimes. He's looking for two Gs. If we each

give him a dollar, it's fine. So I just want to put it out there for you guys. I know times are tough. Someday when you're in a bind, you know, you hit me on the side and I'll let you, you know, every day I see these people retweet for my little girl, retweet for this. And I hear a lot of those things of bullshit, you know. I'm sure some of them are. I hear a lot of those things of bullshit. But then we did it like a year ago with the guy, I forget his Twitter name, who lost his house. There's been a couple. Yeah, he was good. He still says hello from time to time. I know you're talking about Duster. What's his name? He's crazy. Yeah, he's crazy. Yeah. No, no. If you're part of our network, if you're part of my family for sure, our family will definitely help you. We always

have help for you. It's the people who just go to Twitter and then you go to their site and they hit everybody up. Yeah, they've hit everybody up. They've hit 200 people up and they'll make money and they take it and run. If it's one of us, if it's one of the people, listen to the church. If you hit me and Lee up in the correct fucking manner, I guarantee you we will help you out in more ways than one. Today I'm asking you for talking about A.K.A. Larry. Did you see his mom is hysterical? She calls me Mr. Sight, which drives me nuts. But then like everyone's writing on the comments. Everyone's like, like Tammy did it, but then somebody was like church hummus and she was like, I was reading through the comments and I don't really know much about this church,

but you must have a really caring minister. She's actually religious. Let me see if I can find out where it says minister, but it just made me laugh so hard, but it was really cool. I put it out on Twitter and it was awesome that people really helped out. This is what it's about. Why do this shit that we do? Why do this? Tweet it to me so when I go home, I can put some money on these books. I'll tweet it right now. So we get the party started here. That's basically it, guys. It's Monday to 12. We want to do an old fashioned in the morning. If you guys don't know it, I'll be on the Rogan podcast this afternoon at two o'clock, but I'm happy we got this one out of the way. You know, let me give some shout outs to our sponsors and get this motherfucker.

A few motherfuckers who don't know. I'm going to be at the helium comedy club in Buffalo next Thursday, the 22nd and the week after that soup bowl fucking weekend. I'm going to be at my main place. The funny bone in motherfucking Columbus, Ohio. So Lee, give them the NFL perspective. This is the NFL perspective from Lisa. What's up? I was surprised. I'm a little fucking nervous Oh, well, I was pissed off during the Patriots game. I did change shirts, but I was so I thought we're going to lose to the Ravens. I was sure we're going to lose. I was surprised Peyton Manning lost. He really had a bad last few weeks and they said he had two thigh injuries. So I don't know if he just all of a sudden got really old or he just hurt

that really I would have liked to have faced Peyton Manning. It's like, I don't know who cares about facing Andrew Luck. Like I'm either a great team, but Brady Manning is a great game. Uh, Green Bay versus Seattle should be a cool game. I would never know how to pick that game. Fucking Green Bay killed us, but then Seattle won Super Bowl last year. So I'd love to see Patriots Green Bay Patriots Seattle. I don't think anybody really wants to see the cool. I mean, I know Indianapolis people want to see them, but if you're looking for like TV ratings like that, that Patriots Baltimore game was like the highest rated TV playoff game in TV show had like a 20 rating or something. It's a great fucking game. Yeah. Listen,

it's a good game. I'll sit there. I was trying to watch it. I kept going back and forth. I had the baby that after my wife went to some party and I had the baby and I was trying to watch it. I could tell I had the makings. You know, anytime you have Tom Brady and it was back against the wall, he's either going to fuck you up or he's going to tap out. This was a great heat because we didn't have anyone in game. I think they ran like seven times other than his and two of them were his QB runs. I felt bad for Dallas. That call yesterday seemed tough, but I didn't watch the game. I'm not ref. So I don't know. He's very depressed. Yeah. I gotta add, you're from the Boston area and we have a lot of church people from the Boston area. So when is the Aaron Hernandez

trial soon? Soon it's getting his and the terrorist kid. That one's already started. The terrorist kids already started. So they're both going to be in Boston. They're saying it's going to be. I don't know where the, where the Aaron, I think the Aaron Hernandez one is going to be because yeah, because I had people going in there and in Patriots sturs, he's going to go Patriots and then of course they get kicked out. But it's a that's pretty, it's pretty sad. That's something like we've talked about it. Like I don't understand. I couldn't understand signing a $60 million contract and then going and shooting a guy because he talked to the wrong people because I want to be a gangster. Is that what happened? Yeah. He, he, he sounded like a four year contract.

Why do you shoot this particular kid? Apparently that he didn't like how he was talking. He was talking to the wrong people at a club or something. I don't know. He sounds like apparently he shot two more people a couple years before that because they were, they, they were rude to him at a club or something or, or they were, they bumped into him. It was just if it, if it's true, if this is, if it's all true, which it sounds like it probably is, he's, he was just a monster. Well, we'll fucking see. You know, we had two, uh, we had a big hit last week with John Jones. Yeah. A lot of people couldn't believe it. You know, a lot of people looked at me to jokes and it's, it's fucking sad. It was very sad to me. I'm not mad at John or whatever. I had heard the rumors.

Really? I heard the rumors. I had heard the rumors the last couple months. I don't know. There was an interview, I think in Bloody Elbow where the guy said that the rumors have been swirling for a while. I didn't see it and I wouldn't see it to be honest with you until somebody mentioned it to me when he was in LA last time, one of the times he was trying to cop. But at first I was like, oh my God. And then I heard it the second time. I never told Joe, but like I said, I told Ari at the, before the fight Friday night after the show at the mirage. We saw John Jones. I told Ari and when he came up positive, Ari called me right away. And he's like, I don't believe it. I told you where there's smoke. There's fire.

People just don't make that type of shit up. You know, right? My heart goes out to him and his family. So I did some research today. Apparently if the, the, the drug test he did before the fight comes back positive, then he could lose. Right. But that's not coming back. Has it come back negative here? Cause I read cause I was doing some research cause everyone was like, Oh, well Nick Diaz got suspended for a year. Apparently that was because he tested positive in competition. So if you, even if you test positive out of competition for weed, it'd be treated the same way. That's the way I read the article. I think the UFC has to lay a punishment because it's part of the code and conduct. I don't think they're going to, you know what? All right now is that

I hope he gets better. I hope he, uh, I know what it is to be in that position. I know what it is to have everything. You know, I had everything in Boulder and I didn't want it. You know, I had a baby in the room, my wife, I had in-laws who loved me. I just bought a condo and I didn't want it. I know it's like the sneak cocaine to feel that you need it. So I hope he, uh, takes that pain away, the pain of needing it. So you don't look, it's not, uh, performance enhancing in any way to you. It's cocaine, cocaine. Listen, for me, look, when you smoke pot, what do you feel like doing? Taking a nap and eating cheeseburger. When I smoke pot, I want to take a notebook out. I want to read a book. If the sun's shining, I want to fucking go out there and enjoy the day. When I first started

smoking pot, I knew I didn't like being inside, but I also like listening to music. But once I got the invention of the I, whatever the fuck, the Walkman, it made life easier. When I get high, I want to adventure. I want to go out. I want to take a chance. I want to get really high. I want to see different people. I want to see different situations. You don't like seeing that. No. You know, when some people do cocaine, they get very extroverted. Is that the word? What's introverted when you introverted? It's me being inside alone. Extroverted. You're out. You're talking, you're drinking. Woohoo. That's the way it started for me. But it became something else. I became very introverted with the drug. When I was locked up in prison, we used to do speed on Mondays and try

to play basketball. Oh, my fucking God. You have no idea. You have no idea what it was like. Your heart feels like it's going to fly out of your fucking mouth. That's what it feels like. It's like adding gasoline to a fire, you know? Like a fire is burning and all of a sudden you're running, you know, when you don't need to run. Then it enhanced my performance. I think I ran. I could play eight or nine fucking games, maybe help my cardio. But that was speed. Cocaine is something different. It affects your mind a different way. It fucks it like you're happiness fucking juice or something like that, doesn't it? Like you're, I forget the name of this. Saratonin? Saratonin or whatever. I think when you crash, it does. When you crash, listen, I don't know. I can't,

I remember I used to think of people saying, well, Lawrence Taylor has to be good. He probably does blow when he plays football. I don't see it. If he did, God bless him. God bless him. One day in one of his books, he says, I used to do it. I eat ball and go out there and I realized I tackled more people. God bless him. But between you and I, I never found nothing that cocaine enhanced. Nothing. I sat on stage the other night, March 17th, 1932. I did cocaine and went on stage, St. Patty's Day. I wasn't even doing comedy a year yet. And I thought the same thing. I go, I'll do two bumps of coke and go up there and rip these motherfuckers a new asshole. Boy was I wrong, brother. Yeah. Boy did I eat shit because it blocks the heart. So all you're getting words.

But that was me. Maybe Richard Pry killed on it. You know, I don't know if Kenison did well, but the shows I saw on tape and YouTube when Kenison was coked out, he didn't do that well. He did well because people were yelling and people thought being high was cool. You know, when you go see Artie Langley years ago and he was fucked up, it wasn't by no means hilarious. Artie's a funny fucking guy. But I remember seeing him in Vegas with the preacher and a bunch of guys. And we all went and we all left because it was so fucking bad. But to the people who go see that, they'll pay $50 to see you fucked up on stage and white crystals falling out of your nose. How do I know? Because I did it for years in Miami. People would

want to come see me fucked up. They'd tell me afterward, that was great. You said the joke twice. You know, I don't fucking get it. But for fighting, I can't see it. I can't see doing a line of coke and running down that thing and having John McCarthy touch you or Herb Dean touch you and search you down. And you go in there with your heart beating like that. I can't fucking see it. And let's say it's a five round fucking fight. You come down in 20 minutes. Really? That fast? Yeah, you come down in 20 minutes. Maybe the whatever what do they call when the juice that runs through your adrenaline, maybe that kicks it up, which it probably does. But I can't see.

I just don't see it. I just don't see it. If it works with John Jones, God fucking bless him. I just think the part people most people have a problem with is that if it was a new fighter, he'd probably be out of the UFC already. He would have been out of the UFC before the news came out. You know, I can't believe that after we listened to this podcast for two years and all of the podcasts and people got illuminated to what the UFC is about or what they're not about. You don't understand one thing. The UFC is no different than any other fucking company in the world. Right. They're into money. Okay. If you were John Jones, if you're Dana White, okay, you're fucking Dana White. And I call you and I go, Hey, man, John Jones tested positive

on December 4th. So what does that mean? That means he tested positive. Can you cancel the fight? No, it's not against, he was out of competition. It was a random UA. What do you want to do? Do you want to fucking cancel the fight? After the year they took that, do you really, really think in your heart? Dana White was going to cancel that fight for Donald Sarone against Miles Jury? Is that an Hector Lombard against whatever is that? What do you think? What would he do? What would he do December 4th, Dana White? That's not just a card and fucking some fucked up city. That's the card at the MGM Grand on New Year's Day. What the fuck would he do? Are you people that fucking stupid that you would think Dana would go, stop the card. Let's put him in a rehab.

Fuck him at his fucking rehab. He's fighting. We'll put him on a bus to rehab right after the fight or two days after when he gets his yaya's out and he gets his dick fucked. But we're not going to put him in a rehab right away. These are the things that people don't understand. And everybody's playing dumb. Why don't they say something to him? Again, it's about money. The bottom line, and especially with this USV, it's about fucking money, guys. So if you're that fucking stupid at home, who gives a fuck? Nick Diaz tested positive after the fight. Is that not what the thing was, if I remember correctly? In competition. Two different fucking worlds. Two different fucking worlds. So suck it in, get it together and realize it's all about the fucking Benjamins. And that

overrules everything in 2015. There's no rules. What happened to the people who were going to stop the corporations and pick it? Occupy Wall Street. What happened to them? What happened to them? You know what happened to them? The bottom fucking line. The bottom fucking line. They can't cancel it. You don't like John Jones? I don't know what the fuck to tell you. You don't like the way the rules are fucking done? I don't know what the fuck to tell you. Do you know they don't test for THC in basketball? Really? No. Because every fucking player would fucking fail. They test for coke and steroids and everything else. And the NBA, they don't test for THC. That's widely known. That's terrible. Take it. At least you got the fight. Shut your mouth.

Let's pray to God that John Jones gets better and let's move on with our life. That's the only thing you can fucking do. Eh oh no eh eh. All right then. Honest.com. Did they check his blood? Maybe he was on Honest.com also. Maybe he was on fucking Alpha Brain. Maybe he was on Shroom Tech. Fucking sport. Maybe that's fucking dirty fucking whatever. But whatever it was, this is what we do. You give the guy a fucking chance. Go to Honest.com. See what they got to off here. You know what? Honest is not a vitamin. Honest is not a fucking one a day. Honest is for you to be the best that you could fucking be. That's why you go to Honest. You start off with Alpha Brain. I'm not gonna fucking tell you again. They got so many great products. If you don't go

to Honest, right now where you're at work, they're paying you, right? Who gives a fuck? Go to Honest.com. Look at the products they got. You're just sitting there with a thumb up your fucking ass. Read about the fucking minerals. Read about the coconut oil. Read about the fucking Shroom Tech sport. Read about the Shroom Tech immune. See if it's for you. You know what? It is for you because you're gonna be the best that you motherfucking can be. AKA the fool fighters. Go to Honest.com. Find something. Try something. Even if it's Alpha Brain. Go to the box and press in church. After you check out pressing church, you get 10% off your order. But before you check out. Before you check out. You get 10% off your order. Plus if you want to do the stay on it program, you could stay on

it where they mail it directly to your house every month. You don't have to go back online and register where they hit your credit card. I don't know how the fuck they do it. But do me a favor. They got the battle ropes. They got stuff. They got weights. They got a bunch of stuff for you to do. Plus the minerals. I can't help you with the battle ropes and that type of stuff. But the minerals are on me. Go to Honest.com and press in church and get 10% off your fucking first order. Like my man Lee said before. You know this week Cable gave away free weekends for everybody. Cable's channels know they're in trouble. They're trying everything they do to get new people. But the rates are astronomical. Me, I've just been fucking introduced to Roku

and Netflix and all this. And I gotta tell you something. I love it. That Netflix is everything you fucking wanted. That Roku has everything you wanted. IonDragonTV.com. My favorite fucking Roku channel. You understand me? They got every single classic martial art film that you love. From Sonny Chiba to early Jackie Chan to the Yip Man series. And every day they add up new fucking movies every week. They got workout movies from Honest. They got different... I mean they are tremendous. Dave Foley is working fucking 24-7 to make this Roku channel one of the best fucking channels out there. And it's growing. He's also got the technology on the 4K TV. And you know what's cool? If you go and check, they're converting a lot of stuff to 4K. But if you go, they have a

lot of stuff that they haven't converted yet for free. So they have some free movies on there. So like if they only have a lower quality of it, they put it up there for free. So just go there and you can see more than two movies. But then they're in the process of changing that to 4K. So they have some cool free movies on there that you can watch. Okay, so do me a favor. Go to Iron Dragon TV right now and press in. Joey. In the box and get two fucking movies for free off the bat. Take a look around and see what they got. Maybe you didn't consider martial art movies. Maybe you didn't like martial art movies, the classic ones. Take a look at the classic ones. You're gonna fucking love them, all right? Go to Iron Dragon TV and press in. Joey. And get

your two free movies. Nailed It Life. If you're smoking vapor, you're losing your fucking mind. Go to NailedItLife.com, the best vapor pen on the market. They've also got some really neat stuff for that whole world of vaping. They have neat stuff. You know, all the shit you need to put the fucking thing in the pipe and the thing to carry the vape. They have a ton of things plus t-shirts. Go to NailedItLife.com right now and press in. Joey Diaz. And get 20% off your first order, 20% off your vapor pen. I'm telling you, high quality guarantee, you got a prom, you call Dave, they hook you right the fuck up. There's no games. I wouldn't be working with them if they were a fugazi. Go to NailedItLife.com. And also, for you bad motherfuckers out there trying to get

your health in order, I see a lot of you guys have taken it. I'm telling you, give it a shot. Hittiesigs.com. Hittiesigs has fucking vapor cigarettes that'll knock you through a fucking loop. You understand me? They come in different flavors, not to mention, they come in different grades. 24 milligrams, 16 milligrams, eight and zero. If you're looking to quit smoking, dog. So you start with the 24, within a month, you'll be on the zero. They also have a fucking cigar. You could blow smokes at casinos. If you go to Atlantic City, you could blow at the Asians faces, you know what I'm saying? I just won this, Chino. Anyway, go to Hittiesigs.com. And what do they get, Lee? You get 20% off when you use the word Joey's Church. That's right. So they usually

20, get it for 16. Give it a try. You're not going to be fucking sorry. Guaranteed 1200 pups. You know how many pups when you buy those things over the counter in the fucking store? How many you get? Done. Nothing. This will last you two weeks, even if you're a heavy fucking smoker. Go to Hittiesigs.com. Give them a try, Tom. Joey sent you. I want to thank Honnet. I want to thank Iron Dragon. I want to thank Nailed It Life. I want to thank Hittiesigs. And I want to thank all you motherfuckers for waking up and listening to the show and giving us love on every aspect that we got. Like I said, I'm going to be in helium buffalo in two weeks. And I'm also going to be at the Columbus Funny Bone Super Bowl weekend, bitches. Oh yeah. We forgot to just say,

we had some, because I was thinking when you were doing the Hittiesigs that how everyone always asks you if they work for quitting smoking, what you've done. Yeah. But another guy, we had some crazy Uber drivers on Wednesday. We had a guy who you told you were political president from Cuba. Oh my God. We're fucking... For the entire right day. Like, man, I came from Cuba. I've been here for 30 years. I'm a political refugee. Those are two of the coolest Uber drivers we ever met. And the way down, there was an old Russian dude who was cool as shit. He kept thinking I was big pussy. And the way back, we had an Egyptian pizza maker that also made Italian food. He was an Egyptian

dude. That made Greek food. An Italian chef. No, it was Italian, Mexican, and like from the Netherlands, like Dutch food. He was an Egyptian. And I just saw your face and then you just kept asking him questions about it. He was a fucking sweetheart though. And he left his wife in Egypt. Yeah, he left his wife in Egypt. You know, these stories are amazing when you get to talk to people. Sometimes they're very interesting. Some people are douchebags. But if you give them a chance, they're very sweet. And both of these guys are very sweet. And then you got me high. I think the next night on the way home from Long Beach and the cops stopped in front of us, like there's an accident and the cops stopped the entire highway. Oh, that's right. Oh, so we got high

in Long Beach and we were driving and like four cops, SUVs stopped a line ahead of us and they stopped for like 20 minutes. And I was stoned out of my mind. And you after like five minutes, you open up the center console and you start taking joints out. I'm filming it. I'm filming it with the with the sirens lights like 10 feet in front of us and you smoking on a joint. And then like you started beeping at him and I got paranoid. So I deleted the video. We did the fucking video. I was like, I thought cops are gonna come. The cops are gonna pull them over and take this fucking camera. Can you believe this in this day and age? Fucking I can't breathe. Get it together. I love you guys. Thank you very much for listening.

Have a great week. We'll see you Wednesday night with the great Barry Katz in Motherfucking Studio. That's one of the best podcasts we did last year. He called there. I can't imagine how knowledgeable he's gonna be. So Wednesday night, eight o'clock, we'll be back here. Again on it. Iron Dragon TV nailed it life. Hitties, sakes, but most importantly to you, motherfuckers, for letting us come into your world every week, twice a week and giving me and Leo the love you can. That's it. Have a great week. Your dreams are right in front of you. Tell them all to suck your dick and go for it. Cuck suckers. What Lee? What? What Lee? I would love to tell somebody to suck my dick. That'd be fun. Tell them. Let's go to Denny's. Okay. This show is

brought to you by onit.com. Go to Denny's. Cuck suck them. Why are you messing with me? I would love to go to Denny's right now. Those communist eggs. Why are they communist eggs? Because they're not real eggs. Don't get healthy from those eggs. Okay. Don't go to Denny's. Go to onit.com. Use co-word church to get 10% off of all the great optimization products. Alphabet and new moods, from tech news, from tech sport. It's co-word church to get 10% off. Go to hit Easex.com. That's hit letter Easex.com and use co-word joey's church to get 20% off. Better tasting, longer lasting. The proof is in the vape. They have e-cigarettes and e-cigars for you. You get 20% off when you use co-word joey's church. Go to nailedayatlife.com and use co-word joey Diaz

to get 20% off of the premier vapor panel on the market for all the oil and wax smokers out there. And go to iron dragon tv and use co-word joey to get two free rentals of all of the great martial arts movies. They have the 4k technology coming. You're gonna be able to stream to your android tablets pretty soon. It's co-word joey to get two free rentals. You got to be crazy. You got to have a real need. You got to sleep on your toes when you're on the streets. You got to be able to pick out the easy meat when you're closed. Then you'll bring it silently down and out of sight. You got to strike when the moment is right without thinking.

After a while, you can work on points for style. Like a glove tie and a firm head shake. You have to be trusted by the people that you like to. So that when they turn their backs on you, you'll get the chance to put an idea. You got to keep wanting, looking over your shoulder. No, it's gonna get harder, harder, harder. It's gonna get all love. And if you pack up, fly down south like your head on sand. Just another sad old man, all alone, dying and can't say no. You got to have a real need. You got to have a real need. You got to have a real need.

You got to have a real need. You got to have a real need. You got to have a real need. You got to have a real need. You got to have a real need. You got to have a real need. You got to have a real need. You got to lose control. You'll reap the harvest you have sown.

And as the fear grows, the bad blood slows and turns to sown. It's too late to lose the way you used to need to throw around. So have a good job as you go down all alone, dragged down by the storm. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go