Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #249 - Ari Shaffir, Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: January 20, 2015

Ari Shaffir, Comedian, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. Buy Ari's new special, "Paid Regular" here for only $5: http://arishaffir.vhx.tv/ This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. Iron Dragon TV. A New Roku channel with all the best martial arts films. Use Code word joey for two free rentals. HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for a 20% discount Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by using code word joeydiaz. Music:  SGT. Peppers - The Beatles I Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet Remember The Time - Michael Jackson Recorded on 01/19/2015

This show is brought to you by onit.com. Go to onit.com and use code word church to get 10% off of all of their optimization products like Alphabet, New Mood, Shroom Tech, Immune, Shroom Tech, Sport. It's code word church to get 10% back. Go to hitesigs.com, better tasting, longer lasting, the proof is in the vape. If you're looking to quit smoking in the new year, they have e-cigarettes and e-cigars for you at different levels of nicotine and hopefully eventually you'll get down to zero if that's what you're looking to do. Use code word joey's church to get 20% off.

Go to irondragontv.com and use code word joey to get two free rentals of all of their martial arts movies. It's a new Roku channel. It has all of all of the favorite martial arts movies, Jackie Chan, a lot of the old stuff, a lot of cool movies that's code word joey and go to naileditlife.com and use code word joey to get 20% off of the premier vapor pen on the market for all the oil and wax smokers out there. What'd you give me in those stars? What's in those fucking stars? Did you put a label over another label? Did you put a label over another label?

There's no label on anything he gets. The guy doesn't even work at the weed store. There's some guy rolling by the drownings. Stars. You're a method of God. I love you, fuckers. The church of what's happening now. Monday, January 19th, you bad motherfuckers. Kick that shit, Lee. That's the motherfucker, Beatles, baby. Oh, shit. Goddamn, this is what starts it off. I had this tape, my sister bought it for me and never gave it back.

This is what it is. This is what it's called. This is the first album? No. No. This was later. What was this reinvention, Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club? What was that supposed to be about? I have no fucking idea. It was so long ago, but the cover is tremendous. So much in there. The cover is tremendous. They got the flowers and the shape of the guitar, and it says Paul's dead. Remember they played the whole trick in the United States that Paul McCartney was dead and these fucking saps fell for it, but it was tremendous marketing. They didn't know at the time. That was the most brilliant marketing they had ever fucking read.

You play it in the Walrus backwards and it says, all that crazy. I just started getting vinyls and a couple of them had really cool artwork, and then I got a Steve Martin one and had a set list on the back. It was pretty cool. I never had any vinyls. That's a cool thing to put on your album. It was a photocopied set list on the back of a cardboard headshot. It was pretty cool. Someone got me one. It's kind of a thing now to get back into vinyl, but somebody got me a vinyl. I got you a Bill Cosby with a pill in it. I got a whole bunch of Cosby albums for Steve Simone got me a gift and got me a whole bunch of albums. It's like a nickel now. I wonder if any of the sets or the Spanish Fly sets that's

going to be fucked up if it is. He does do a set about Spanish Fly. I mean, I remember hearing about that in camp, but the way you see him say it now after all that stuff is out, Larry King. Spanish Fly. That was big when I was growing up. I was big. I don't even know if it worked. The guy left Spanish Fly in his glove compartment. He went into the grocery store. His girlfriend found it during his time. Found it. Came back. She was dead humping the fucking stick shift. My friend, the Olsons, he gave it to his grandmother to see if it worked. We all chipped him. We gave him like five hours and he gave it to his grandmother. He poisoned your friend's grandmother. Not me. He poisoned his own grandmother. He didn't poison her, set her free. He just set

that bitch free and shit. In fact, it's his birthday today. Michael Olsen. He's 54. I see it on Facebook. What's happening, you bad motherfucker? It's a beautiful day to be alive. I had a very fucking interesting evening. Weekend evening. Had a great morning. I went and I had fungi. I still got fungi under my toenail. So I got a laser fucking beamed off. If you got fungi under your toenail, go get a laser beamed off for this fucking tremendous. Everybody wants to live in the future. Here's your fucking chance. They shoot laser beams right in your toes. They get a hose with like water with ice in it and they condense it. I don't know what the fuck they do. When they blow it on your toes to freeze them, then they beam it because it gets hot. Every once in a while,

you're like, ah, and it burns and you can smell your fungus and your toenail frying in the fucking air. It's only 10 minutes. I got to go today. I got to go next Monday and the Monday after that. I got to rub some fucking malooka juice. When do you start getting fungus in your toes? Yeah, 10 years ago. And then what does it do? It pushes your toenail out and the fungi develops underneath. So you ever see people that have a fucking fucked up toenail and it hangs over when you go to the pool? Yeah. That's what it looks like. I cut it. I keep it good and I paint it. I try this wahili at a jujitsu. I put a fucking bandaid on it but it always falls off. Paint it. And people see that fucking infested fucking toenail. I would give somebody a 50 to sniff it.

Just sniff that motherfucker and put that big old toe against the nostril and take a big old fucking like it was a lick or sniff. Does it smell? Yes. It smells. It doesn't smell like you don't smell in the air. Sometimes late at night, I cut the toenail underneath. It smells. Yeah. Underneath it smells horrible. You let that, it's like a toe jam but a little tougher and you spin it around in your finger and then you put that ball on your counter. Yeah. You wake up in the morning, you smell that ball, you almost fucking die. That's disgusting, man. Sometimes I'll do that. I'll dig underneath the toenail like off here and then I'll dig if that's a toenail like under like that and then smell what's left. Oh, it's horrible. Twit that we're lively. People know.

I'll treat them. They don't know. I forgotten shit. Welcome to the church of beautiful. I did something this weekend that was completely out of my fucking character. I drove two hours to the Jitsu tournament. Two hours? On the five. On a Saturday. To watch one? Yeah. At three o'clock and he had two in the afternoon, I decided me and Mike were trying to have it. No, man. You know, I don't do much and people come to the shows and stuff and how he's feel guilty. I don't go to enough things like that. Yeah. Like, at this point in my life, I can sit there for a basketball game or football game. You went to a Laker game. What's a Laker game? You know, you experience it, but I can't go watch stand up or improv comedy. I'll go watch a play if somebody knows of a good

play in Hollywood. You know what I thought of on the way here? Let's go see that Angela Lansbury play. I wonder if she's still good. I heard she's freaking really good down on the. I mean, she's been an actor for 75 years. It's right there, right on the. Probably somewhere around there, probably tickets on expense. I want to see if you can get better with it when you're that old or if you. It's across in the W. It's across in the W. Yeah, yeah. They say it's a great, the Pantages. The Pantages. The Pantages. It's across in the W there. It's a great fucking Elisabeth. The older they get, the better they get. I wonder if they, if they stay sharp at their seventies, they could be a fucking powerhouse. Murdershire was in like, she was old then.

That was a long time ago. How she's still alive. Those people take care of themselves. What do you think, Lee? How was your weekend in Congress? I had a great weekend. Did you see Billy Crystal's new thing? It's not like it's like a one man show. Comedians on comedians or something? No, well, no, yeah, they give him a new show. It's probably gonna be terrible, but his HBO special like 300 Sundays or whatever. Yeah. Whether it's that it was like half stand up, half one man show with like pictures and stuff was pretty cool. Yeah. Half stand up, half one man show, no laughs. Not again. No, it had laughs. I mean, his entire audience is old, is like 90, 90 years old. Billy Crystal has a precise audience.

My mom loves them. 50 year old Jews. They're older Jews and they go and that's their pride and joy. Really? They dress up, they spend a little bit, they even take an extra 20 out of the ATM. Yeah. They live it up in Billy Crystal. It's just some Jews that Jews go out for and live it up. Like they make the Jews proud. And you don't know until you go like, I see it because I'm a non-Jew. So when I go, like when I went to see Bette Miller, I went to see Bette Miller 30 years ago. How is she? Phenomenal. Bette Miller will do three hours. She'll do stand up, she'll sing, she'll dance. But it was filled with Jews who for that night, they forgot they were Jews. That was a Super Bowl. Yeah. Like you could tell they were very nice. You know, they won't smoke pot or nothing,

but they'll giggle and they'll turn their head. They'll smile and even the bed will loosen up a little bit like, holy shit. One of the first non-animated kids movies, like when I was a kid, one of the first movie, like actual adult movies I saw was Mr. Saturday Night. My dad loved them. We had them on VHS. Yeah. When Harry Met Sally was massive. I forgot about that. He just seems like a has-bit knockout. What? How was he ever? In the movie that isn't bad. When he plays a cop with another black guy, with the dancer, he plays a cop and they fucking, it's a Chicago movie. They're like Chicago cops. He did that like in the 80s. Billy Crystal's been doing with the cowboys. City Slickers. City Slickers was really good. Yeah. He made some good money. He did some good

shit Billy Crystal. City Slickers, Harry Met Sally. There were some really good movies he was in, huh? My giant, I'll forget it, but at least it was that. Well, 300 Sundays is about him and his love for the Yankees. First father. First father. What they did. That's what dads loved, too. He loved baseball. He loved baseball. He loved baseball. You know. It's like a poor man's Woody Allen, though. I always saw him as that, just like the actor version of Woody Allen. I never got to see any of Woody Allen stand-up. Was he funny? I don't know. He hurts an album. I had no idea. I think so, but I don't know. He was like dead-panish. Yeah, dead-pair. You know, like very like, uh, well, they all wanted to be the crazy Jew. Yeah. What's the crazy Jew? Who's the crazy Jew? From

the 60s. The reason why we're here. Lenny Bruce. Lenny Bruce. If you watch that, the one I always talked to, the black and white one, that's one of my favorite pieces of stand-up. Yeah, yeah, man. I never seen any of that. Is it good? Yeah, it is good. You catch it and you're like, damn, damn, look at this motherfucker. Yeah, he was jazzy. He had a great rhythm to it. That's cool. But that was interesting. I had never been to a jujitsu tournament before. Oh, yeah. I tell you what the most interesting thing was about it. What? That I don't feel bad being that fat and a jujitsu guy no more. Why not? Because there was a ton of fat jujitsu guys. No, really, really? And they are tremendous after a certain level. Like after they hit a brown belt, they get bigger.

Like they get bigger and fatter, like with a strong fat. Yeah. And I saw this one black belt pulled guard and he almost ripped the other guy's shoulders off. Oh, because he's so big. He's so big. Only 300 pounds. He just fucking pulled them around. You know, if you're going to move that much weight every day, you probably get stronger. You just get. It was very interesting to see them take that top saw. I mean, I went to see something else. I didn't go to see that. I just went to see a tournament and Neon Bellies and, you know, Moplaothus and shit. That's it. And I picked that up. You see like eight, eight fights going on at once. It was six fights at once. Chuck Norris was there. Oh, really? Ashton was there. The whole Machado family were there. All the, the Gracie's

were there. I went to the one with Tayton Long Beach. Yeah, that fucking, I mean, I was, and I appreciate the jujitsu. Listen, when I was a kid, well, not when I lived in New York, Renato was there. What's the kid's name? The black kid? LaRanger? LaRanger was there. We hugged. We had a great time. My friend, he was there. You know, when I was a kid, not when I lived in New York City and did karate with LaRanger's father, but when I lived in Jersey, I got to say three years of my life, you had to go to three things a weekend with this karate, Gushenguru Karate, where I went in Jersey. The guy's name was Kevin Dorland or something. And he was a Vietnam vet, but he was not all there. Remember, we talked about him, somebody

called in, he goes, he still teaches. And he wanted you to go to three things a month. You only have one Sunday off a month or one Saturday. So he would check them off. Like before you sent your application, he would check them off. So every month you went to the Bronx. That's what I did, guys. Before I started smoking dope, me and six idiots like you would get together at eight in the morning with our karate geez, and we take a bus somewhere. And we take a bus, we go to an auditorium with each spar, not with each other in a tournament. We do forms. And then three of the six would take a gold or a platinum or whatever the fuck the metals are. And we go home. Once I started smoking pot, I didn't want to be with those guys no more. Not that I didn't love them. I was

just too embarrassed. They didn't get highly, all they did was do karate. So these guys didn't understand that world. So the more I got high, the more I distanced myself from those guys, which was my fucking, I would have been a killer if I hadn't got those guys. Those guys were great guys, but that's what they did. And that's this lifestyle. Like the kid, I saw Travis Noah's at now. He owns a t-shirt company. He's friends with that. He dates a friend of mine. Who? Travis. He went Saturday to this thing, which was the world, whatever, Jujitsu tournament, which is a league. And then Sunday, he was going to go court to do another tournament in the morning. And he got on bar that really at the tournament hours that he just likes competing. Yeah. But he took a gold

yesterday in two categories. Wow. So that's the life we bomb. We do good. And it's all for God. Go up again. Yeah, you just keep rolling. So it was very interesting to see that I learned that I, you know, obviously at this age, I can't do a tournament every fucking week and prepare for a tournament. I die, you know, I go to Jujitsu once twice a week. I walk around sore for three fucking days. So, but it's very interesting. Listen, guys, I said, I was, every time I went by an exit, I want to make a U-turn. Why? Because it was bumping and bumping. Oh, you want to go? What's it take to get the fucking Earth on a good day? 45. 45, yeah. It took me two hours. No. On a weekend? On a weekend, on a Saturday. Well, the five guys, you got Walt Disney, you got

fucking whatever farms you got San Diego, you know, you got people going places. Viva Libre. What's up with you, Negro? Talk to me. So you got the special premiere last week. What did Viva Libre mean? Viva Libre live fucking freely. So your special and last weekend. Especially on Friday. Yeah, thanks. I got a tape that watched the first 10 minutes, the baby's gonna cry. So. Well, that's what I do to babies. I make them cry. It's like comedy's good for it. So now Thursday night, you have storytells coming on. Yeah, it's not happening. K and Peele. No, yeah, Kee is doing it probably. It looks pretty funny. It looks pretty funny. Yeah, he told a good story about a crackhead. About a crackhead. So it's, you know, what,

whatever I read about this, this is not happening. The big push they say is how you started this from ground zero. Ground zero. What I lied and then they got the television. Something that really doesn't happen in this town that much. What was this as a show at the impromptu? It was a show in the side room of the improv. At the side room with no alcohol. 40 seat side room, no alcohol. We're not even allowed to bring it in. Before I even met you Joey, the first show I ever saw in LA was your show with job stories and Kanane went up. That was in the in room? Yeah, that was the first show I'd ever seen in LA. It was five bucks. Yeah, five bucks. Experimental. Try some shit. I'm trying to break the bank. Try some shit. The comics, you know, don't feel like you have to.

Yeah, we did it in that side room. 12 people were there. You were on that show. You were on the first one. Me, Marin. You, Marin. Steve, Aggie. Who else? Dylan Brody. Wow. He's like a storyteller and then Dan Madonia. Eddie Brill's illegitimate son was on the first one. Wow. And now the liquid has become, now it's going to grow. Once it hits TV, it's going to be like a rap battle. Madonia did one about, it was all psychedelic stories. Madonia did one about chasing his friend Benji outside on fountain at fucking 1 p.m. naked running trying to find Benji getting arrested on mushrooms. Naked and arrested while you're on mushrooms. Then that Brody guy talked about peyote and how these Indians gave him fucking peyote when he was 14 at Indian

Sleepway Camp. They're like, Stein, let's go. And then you talked about that concert. Was it exactly like a Pink Floyd concert? Is that the one that got filmed? And the trip to it? Yeah. Yeah. That was the first one. It got filmed in two parts. I didn't know how to make a YouTube video. It's one of the shittiest fucking YouTube videos of all time. But people liked it, though, and they saw it. The pop-off. That's what you were just talking about, pop-off. Pop-off vodka. Pop-off vodka. And then A.G. talked about getting laced at Grateful Dead. And then Marin talked about taking some shrooms or some acid at Grateful Dead. Amazing. That's how I fucking started. Lisa, yeah. Did you guys have any idea when you were starting the show of maybe getting on TV

or you just wanted to do a show? Nah, we just wanted to do one good show. We didn't want to get it going again. But everyone had such a good time. It was still fun and cool. Twelve people were in the audience. It was it. Bella Donna was there with her husband. She was one of the two of the twelve, this porn star family. Yeah, it was fun as shit. And then Eric, Avery, he's like, dude, let's do that again. So we did it again. It was something else, from another topic. Yeah, it was five years ago. I still have the poster that Kevin Christy made, the sweet fucking giant like sides of that thing hand-painted. It's like Adelia and these crazy fonts. Save it, fuck that. Of course I'll save it. It says Joey D. S. D. Veggie. Put that

down. Dylan Brody. He's been here for ten years and shouldn't break the bank. Yeah, exactly. There's only two. I got one. And what's his name? Got one. Eric's got one. Yeah, that was cool. That was fun, man. We were there from the beginning. That's cool. Yeah. And then later, they were like, let's do a web series. We tried to pitch it to a show a few times, like a couple years in, but they were like, hmm, maybe with some other host. And I was like, yeah. Last week on the Rogan podcast, we spoke about when we first started going out with them together. Yeah. How people hated us. Or hated us. Why are you bringing these losers? Hated, but the main spokesman. For the loser contingency. Here we go. San Francisco.

I was just there. I fucking hated that guy. And everybody hated him. I had heard about that. He was a dick for years. And all he did was talk shit about us. Oh, he did. He's talked shit to our old Rogan. He's going to bring his losers again. He talked shit to two people that came, turned right around and went back to me. So I always knew. So every time Rogan... All these people talk shit to your friends and expect you guys to tell you. Tell you. Is this the booker up there? The booker up there. He's not a booker. He's a boy. He's fine. Okay. How can I say? And he, we went on every time. And it was funny because the last time I saw him, he pulled me aside and he goes, Hey, I might get you this gig. And I remember thinking, look at this fucking guy

coming around. Yeah. He goes, there's a show and I really want to get you on it. But Sharipa doesn't want you on it. But I've been pulling for you like a motherfucker, you know. Like it easy means Sharipa wants you. Yeah. It's so, uh, and it's such a feeling that guy must feel bad now. Like there's so many people that got to feel fucking bad. There's still a lot of people who fucking hate me. I hate them just as bad. Like the other night. I know people go, all right, I guess. But you know what? They don't even, I don't even think they think about it. I just think they go, Oh cool. That guy's doing great. And then we remember how much they said you were in go nowhere. No, they remember. There's certain people that I fuck with them now. Like if I see,

listen, the greatest thing Madonna ever did was about eight years ago. Madonna? Madonna had a raffle and a thing of all her rejection letters. Oh really? And they said people were running for fucking cover. That bitch saved every rejection letter you have. All these people, all these fucking gaffins. You'll never be anything. Your voice is horrible. Where do you think you are? Saved her rejection letters. Saved her rejection letters. And not even until she recorded her first album, even after that, she was a superstar for 25 years. She still saved them. You guys were both too young to remember 1985, 30 years ago. Right now Madonna had this country. Like it was her, Michael, like she was telling Michael Jackson. I remember everything, the gloves. I was 11. Yeah.

The gloves everywhere, the stocking gloves, whatever they're called. Everybody dressed like a virgin. Everybody. Every chick had gloves, glasses, the blonde. And then she switched it up with Vogue and all that shit. And you're like, wow, she was massive. Her book, when I was in Israel, her book came out of like sex pictures. 91. Yeah, 92. 92. Yeah. She put the, this is what this bitch did for you. She put the book out with the pictures of her naked. She made Rodman look good. Yeah. She took the, she made the Pepsi video and she got five and put the Black Jesus. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. And then her thing was one of the first things to get banned and go massive. Massive. She sold so many actual copies. All she do. VHS copies of that video. She knew she was going to fuck with them. They

wouldn't put on MTV. So fine. I'll sell my own and be a millionaire office. She's fucked. She did all. And then you'll play it. You'll play it eventually. Justify my love. Justify my love. Yeah, she was getting fucked by like a Jesus statue. Put them beginning of must, justify my love. She's getting fucked like an animal now for you. Let me see that monitor, Cocksucker. Don't hide it from me. Justify my love. God, she was, I masturbated her so many times. Yeah, yeah. She was badass, man. Oh, her pictures, her black and white pictures are gray. She had hair on the armpits. Oh yeah. We remember that shit. We block it. Let me see that monitor. This is just fucking. This is just fucking. They screen it.

Yeah. Oh, she's already half naked. What's she doing? She's coming from getting fucked or something. Yeah. She's had makeup with sperm on her breath. Oh yeah. She's been drinking martini. She doesn't know what flavor. Oh my God. Look at her. She was like, I'm selling stuff. Who are those people? She's dropping her briefcase. What? Was that a guy or a girl? I don't know. That's a bad one. That's a bad one. She's taking her shot. Oh my God. Do people see this? No. Wait, actually. Oh shit. Jesus, dude. Oh my God. Oh my God. What year is this? 91. 92. Oh my God. Fuck Lana Del Rey. Oh my God. Oh my God.

That half-kiss thing. Fuck, she's hot. Oh my God. Oh, somebody else is fucking in the... She's a savage, guys. Her marketing is fucking marketing 101. Oh my God. She pushed the envelope. They banned her, and then she doubled up. She doubled up on everybody's dog. Oh my God. I'm horny as shit now. Well, go relieve yourself. What happened with Jerk Off On The Floor? Like a peep show. Golly. She was so hot. I forgot about all I see is that fucking dinosaur now. How old was she then? She was 30. She broke late. But even at 40, she was looking kind of good. Yeah, but now she's like 71. Isn't she was like doing a cabala? No, she ain't 71. Jennifer Lopez looks really good. No, fuck that. She bought a

time before it looked good. You don't like Jennifer Lopez? No, at all. Why? I don't know. She used to be hot. Had you seen that video she just did with Iggy Azalea? No. Yeah. What, whose ass is the fucking fattest? Something like that. Fuck that. Had to play it in Surround. I think that's the white nameless song. That's fucking ass the fattest. What the beats are down, Iggy? What that beats are down? It's getting too much. It was chubby and it's too much. Now, I don't know why she started barlling about eight years ago. Her, Christina Aguillera, they just fucking pissed me off. This one is cute. You know why I like Christina Aguillera? She came into Ellen after she had her baby. And you know how women, when they get pregnant, their boobs get big? She was wearing this.

She was already had big boobs. She was wearing this cleavage cut shirts just on the cleavage. She sits down. Ellen's like, please welcome Ellen. I mean, Christina Aguillera. She comes in. Ellen's fucking staring at those tits. She cannot stop staring. And Christina's like, that's good to be here. And she goes, yeah, it's good to have you. And then Ellen looks up and goes, so you had a baby, huh? Oh, there was, anyway, I saw a lecker for that. So we were talking about the fucking Comedy Central thing. Oh yeah. This Thursday and every Thursday. For how long? Eight weeks? Eight weeks. Eight weeks. I'm on the last one. You're on the very last one. As usual. You close that out. Every, your headlighting thing. They always stand up

revolution. Everything. Your headlighting. Stand up revolution. They put me on after the janitor at like midnight at fucking war. I got there at eight and I got one up at one in the morning. They always put me up fucking last. It's the, it's the worst ever. And people, oh yeah, yeah, you're going up. No, I'm not going to fucking last. These guys all got better credits to me. Fuck you, motherfuckers. I'm going up third. It's a great story. I requested it. Won't have to be the last one. You know, man, you're one of the few people who don't give a fuck, but they say to Joe Diaz, you're like, he's doing it. He's doing it. And that's it. Gabriel. It was the first discussion. Yeah. Right. We were meeting. He was like, well, should we have people if I'm like,

well, Joey will do it. And then let's start booking it now. It's crazy. And it's a great feeling when your friend, I remember Gabriel pulling me aside going dog. They were like, no, no, no, he goes, I just sat in that room and said, yes, yes, yes, yes. They didn't fight me on you. They didn't fight me on you at all. I would pay him out of your pocket. Because that's what he told him. He goes, I'll do it out of my pocket. Really? And I'll put it on my own DVD. I'll do Diaz just for me. And they all agreed. They were all down in the same fucking people that down and whatever was down in Arizona. And I had to go up in front of them. And it's the weirdest thing because they try to put the malook on. They put the maloik on me, you know, maloik. So fucking done.

What do they do? They just stab me down. Oh, really? Oh, so then you get worried because you know they don't like you. Yeah. So then you're like, I'm supposed to perform in this environment. Yeah, you know, you just know. The other night, it's like when I went to that place for the other night, I felt the heat from people. Oh, the comedy. There were just too many people that liked me there. There were just too many that was an assortment. They were like, what's this? What the fuck is this shit? There were a lot of people that did like you. No. When they showed that preview video, you're the only one that got claps. You and Miss Pat. Let me tell you something. Like audible claps. I wanted to tell the darkest story. You should have fucked those people. You should have.

That's the show. No, no, no. Say whatever you want. Those people were not going to handle me hitting somebody with a bat in his eyes wrong. We thought we killed him. That was great. They did it. You got to it eventually. They loved it. And it's funny because I have not seen a picture of Dede, the kid who had the hepatitis C, but he didn't really have hepatitis. Did he consider? He's got HIV. Oh, no. That's way worse than hepatitis. Yeah. I don't even know what hepatitis does. I know what HIV does. My other buddy who died had hepatitis C from steroids. You died from hepatitis C? You could die. Isn't that pre-HIV? Yes. Well, I don't know. I'm sorry. No, it's not. I'm so sorry. There's two hepatitis B. There's two hepatitis,

there's two hepatitis, I think. I don't know. I had a friend who had the really bad one, the one that you can't drink alcohol or you can't do a thousand things. Ever again? Yeah, but he did whatever the fuck he wanted to. He was like borderline fucking when you have to go through the thing with your blood every week. For you to justify my love? But that's always been tough for me. It's like performing. Like, whenever you see Jordy with his buddies, I don't like those people. Jordy at home. Jordy's cool. Jordy's cool. Because they're too straight. Yeah, they're too fucking straight. And you look at them at the face of the people that rejected you for the last 15 years. Well, you look at them. You have the job position of the people who say,

Joey Diaz is shit. I don't understand. I don't know. I have a hard time with so many levels of this business. I cannot. I'm happy that you're doing well because it gives a lot of people a black eye because most people who listen to the show and people at home don't understand how the company thing works here. When you get here, how many people weren't even up to your level? And we're already with three arts. Oh, yeah, deals. Like you and me are sitting there going, come on. What the fuck? Can you just make a dollar and people are just getting auditioned and we would get down. Bro, I met with every agent. I met with every agent in this town that would go, I love you. But now I got to sell you to 15 people and that's going to be tough. Is it just more

marketable and has nothing to do with skill at that point? Yeah, it's part of it. But it's also, you know, who they see you with too. I was dirty. I was way dirtier on early on. And then, you know, eight years passed and people go, Oh, that guy's filthy. And it's like, you know, it's fine to be filthy, but I'm not as bad as you think I am. You just haven't seen. So they get it as a head thing in your head or you they associate with Rogan. And it's like, Oh, you must be a meathead. And that's all right. I like Nic de Paolo used to think I was an alt comic because they were cardigans. And he's like, Oh, you must love Jeanine Garofalo. I was like, What are you talking about? He's like, I can see you. So people see you as one way. And that's it. I don't know.

He slipped through the cracks. You know, when I moved here in 97, the store was very cocaine oriented. Is coke really? Not cocaine anymore? And I was a coke guy. I was a coke head. And I was part of that circle and I heard somebody pull me aside. It was like a 99. Like a 99. Somebody pulled me aside and said, Hey, man, I was. And you know who started the first guy, Luke Torres. Luke Torres went to a meeting in the meeting. He goes, Joe Diaz, that coke head a week earlier. I give them like 10 bumps of coke. So this is the sound. This is what you need to worry about. Like I was doing coke with this guy. And a week later, he goes to a pitch meeting that a friend of mine is there. It says you're a big coke head. He goes, that coke head. That's not a very

friendly thing to do. No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. There's less supportive than the Latino community in college, but that no one's less supportive. But that's what I was saying to you. I told you outside was smoking pot that I've been involved. I've been in prison, like in a halfway house situation. I've been in prison. You know, I've lived in situations where I was surrounded with scumbags because I was a scumbag, you know, for long periods of time. The people that you had to watch yourself at every level, like you had to put your hands in your pockets and you sleep like that. That's how bad it was. Cause you never fucking knew comedians to me without the violence, just with the emotional or worse people than the people

that was locked in with and prison because they do something worse to you than Rob you. If I come up to Ari and I go, Ari, give me 300 bucks. I need to pay the rent. I don't pay Ari again. That's it. I don't pay Ari again. Ari gets mad at me. I'll never see Ari, whatever. But with comics, you have like this fake war that doesn't exist. Like you're, like you're in competition, but there's, you're not in any competition. I didn't do this to be a competition. I want to be the best one. I want to get better than you. It's like, well, I thought you just want to be a successful comedian. My third year in town, I realized that when you get here, you have a bunch of legs out from under you. They do. I saw a girl, her agent was thinking of signing her friend,

like her good friend and she talked him out of it. I was just like, no, it gets like my category. Don't do that. And it's like, why are you kidding me? And then that decides somebody's life. Yeah. So they don't get an agent one of the year. They don't get an audition. They could have booked in that time. That could have been their friends. How do you live with yourself when you do? It's like, I was watching, you forget it instantly. I was watching a show yesterday on Blacklist and they were just killing random people. I was like, how do you think you live if you killed somebody and be okay with it? How could I be okay if someone was going to book Joey for a comedy show? And I said, oh, don't. He's a bad person. People compartmentalize.

That's how people compartmentalize. You ever see the killing fields or the killings, whatever? And they were finally remembering what they did and murdered fucking 600 people. And when they're finally remembering it, they're like, oh, shit, that was bad. But they don't think about it normally. They're like, hey, we should chop their heads off and stuff. It still wasn't getting set in. What was that movie? The killing fields? The documentary? About Pol Pot and stuff? Yeah. But all those people that were just like, they were like, we had to go here because it was a courtyard that would catch all the blood. It would fill up. It would be up to our ankles and blood. We don't want to waste bullets. So we'd take chicken fucking piano wire, wrap it around their heads,

and an eight person pull. Jesus. You know, Mark Babbitt was a friend of mine. Mark Babbitt was, yeah. He stood for Babbitt. And I liked Babbitt, even though he was a freaking freak. I sent him a blank tape and all that shit. To see if you'd ever watch it? Yeah. He never watched it. He told me it was great. I never put nothing on it. And I sent it to him. Freddy Soto came towards me, going, Babbitt wants to hire you, but he wants to tape. If he wants to hire me, then hire me. Then hire me. What do you need a tape for? Oh, he needs a tape. And you sent him a blank tape? And he hired me. And he hired you. So why do you need a tape? If it was because it just, it's just, he just wants you to jump through the fucking hoop. So we became friends, Babbitt,

you know. And when he was doing the Freddy, maybe he was doing that tour with Freddy. No, they did the tour with Freddy. Three amigos? Yeah. Did they do three amigos? I went and see a Freddy and Pablo. And I remember that I went backstage and they had like a little food setup. And these three comics were 30 feet away from each other. But I could feel the energy in between them, how much they didn't want to be around each other. Like no matter what, how funny whatever was, Carlos would go, yeah, Pablo's funny, he's a cokehead, you know. And then they, you know, they would say something about Freddy. Carlos would, Carlos, in those days was the type of guy that he would mess with you before you went on stage in a little way. Like he was hosting some

show, hosting a stand-up show. And before he brought Johnny Sanchez on, this is a TV show or something. Before he brought Johnny Sanchez on, he did his main bit. And it's like, it won't be in the edit, you know, they'll never show it because they already did my time upfront. But just to, and then Johnny's like, what the fuck, man? Why would you do that? I was about to do that whole bit. Why would the, that was so mean. And I remember one time when they were shooting that Carlos was hosting and Freddy was yelling at Pat Buckles that he was quitting because Carlos had done his joke. He saw, on mind of Mincea, he saw there was like a promo and they show like four different clips on either side of the picture of Mincea when it was first premiered. And Freddy was crying because

he was like, those three of those are my bits. He took three of my bits and he's putting them on the comedy central website. How am I going to convince anyone those are my bits? And he was crying about it. It was fucking hard. And I learned that. And I was also upset with like the rogue and fake each other. You know, it's just something I have with comics. I've never been telling Felicia. And Felicia didn't understand because she's such a nice person. You know, Felicia buys into it. You know, and then they throw, you know, they throw you the fuck out of wherever the fuck they throw you out. For me, I always had this silent thing with comedians. I either liked you or didn't like you. You nod and say hello and you walk on or you walk on and you stop and you talk to them,

but in my world, I gotta be honest here. They're the shittiest people I've ever met. You know, there's so many different like perspectives that I look at. Like I've had club mode is calling me after they've gotten fired or something and say, hey man, how you doing? Let me pick up the phone. Yeah, good. How you doing? You talk to them and it goes, man, nobody called me back. Of course. They didn't really like you. That's it. Because you don't have nothing to offer. Right. We're so trained here. You know, it's not about friendship. It's about like, you're my friend. I like you of the people I have to do this with. Okay. If somebody came up to me and said, Ari Shafir is a rapist and Ari came up to me a week later and goes, dog, I'm a big time

comic. I want to take you on the road, but I'm going to pay you $3,000 in meals. You know what? In real life, in real life, I'd go, go fuck yourself. But as a comedian, I tolerate Ari and his rapisms, you know, there's comics to the game. That's what Taylor said about Mencius. He goes, if he just gave comics parts, shitty like fucking $200 parts on his show, no one would have really defended us. They just would have been like, eh, you know, I shouldn't do it, but whatever. I've never been big on people who sell their souls at any point in their life, right? So I never understood the whole. That's why I know about you. When you were like, when you were like, they made you fucking give up your cats. He's like, fuck, I'm not giving up my cats. And you're like,

what are you going to do? I'm going to move. You're going to pay twice as much in rent. He goes, yeah, what am I going to do? Give up. What kind of man would I be if I give up my pets to save money on rent? What would I do? Yeah. So you moved to North Hollywood. You never thought you could live in North Hollywood. Lee said something to me. You were Hollywood born and bred. Oh my god, I loved Hollywood, but then the traffic was killing me. Lee said something to me last night. We spoke about just general shit football. Yeah. And he told me that. Did you see that game? Yes. He told me he went to the gym yesterday, 24 hour fitness, and it was empty. Yeah. Since January 1st, it's been packed. Oh, because of the resolutions. So that means on the 7th, on the 18th, the commitments

were gone. Not even three weeks in. Not even three weeks in. That's how we are as friends to one another. A lot of people in this town. The first week of the year, I took 20 minutes to get a parking space. And then yesterday, no one was there. No loyalty. No loyalty. There's really nothing. You know, I was like Dave Wrath, no matter what, because he was there for Freddie when he died. He was there like taking care of the funeral arrangements as we're all weeping and stuff. He wasn't even representing Freddie, but he stood up and done it. And then Brody Stevens too, when he started going crazy. Dave Wrath was in charge of all that. And I was like, you know what, you got to be loyal to shit like that. No matter what happens down the road, you got to be like,

all right, man, you're always going to be cool. And you're going to hand up. Yeah. People don't, they forget. They're like, whatever, work with that. You're below me now. I never understood people. I never understood people forgetting. I never, when people tell me something like that about people, it shuts me down like a human. But then you sell a story two different ways. Like we were talking when you and Justin talked about how Marin's manager was like, oh, he wasn't loyal. He got big and then he dropped me. But then you hear from the other side, Marin was like, look, I'm not doing anything. You're not going to be a single audition. I'm going to try this podcast and stuff. And his manager was like, nah, stupid idea won't go anywhere.

So then he dropped. So then, but then the story gets sold out. He's not loyal. But it's like, no, this guy was a piece of shit. He didn't believe in me anymore. I dropped him and then grew. So it depends. You know, people sell those stories both ways. And then the best part, I'm sure you just dealt with it. How many people who were shitty to you wanted then to be on your new TV show? Dude, you know, I didn't really get any of that. Really? I wouldn't really get any of that. But when I booked my first commercial, I remember people like saying hi to me. They're like, you wouldn't even give me the time of day. And now you're coming up to me and saying, hi, how you doing? Because you think I'm doing, because I'm more of a player in the biz? It feels really good to be

changing. I would say, hi to you and you would walk by me. You know, I told, I said, Eddie Griffin, I told that once. I was this girl who liked it. And then I doubled it. She was like, oh, hey, how you doing? How you commercial? Like, I've tried to say, how do you like 20 times? I didn't say anything. I asked Eddie Griffin. I was like, did you get that? He goes, yeah. He goes, you know how you get back at them? I was like, how? He goes, you have sex with them. That's how you get back with them. You have, you fuck them. Just cash in, man. Okay. I told Rogan that because he never really, you know, Rogan's had his career. Yeah. We've been around Rogan. He thinks that everybody's career is the same way. Yeah. You and I both know that it was not everybody has a different

career. But everybody's like, oh, that club owner is nice to me. Oh, really? Everyone says it's an asshole. He's nice to you. What do you think that is? So I told them that life changes dramatically once somebody sees you on TV the first time, even if it's just having one line, because now you changed. Now they know it could happen. Yeah. Not today. Maybe that wasn't the role, but it could fucking happen. We don't want to have to tell you, no. Right. So people just say, oh, keep in touch. They don't want to say, no, I don't see it. They don't say it. They don't say that. I've always said that. Just say it. Just say, look, I don't see this happening with you right now. One of the biggest things that bothered me about best of luck. That's not my taste.

Where people are not getting back to me in the beginning. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Please call me. They don't ever want to tell you, no, because you might remember him later on. Is the guy who fucked up. Well, regular job interviews do that too. No one gets calls back ever. Well, you have to call them. Oh, I've never done that. You have to call them. When you apply for a job, yeah, you got a year in the car, follow up. I call that motherfucking thank them. And then a day later, I call them to ask me if he got all my paperwork. Did you get everything you needed? Maybe I forgot some of the applications. No, I got everything here. And then I'll attend the guy and go, well, I got you on the phone. Let me get you back for another interview. Oh, you got the job.

Just because you called. Yeah, because they're like, Oh, you know what? Oh, this application, he was like, the guy wasn't bad. He hadn't gotten to it yet. Oh, I got to go over those fucking 10 people. Decide who, oh, this guy, yeah, you seem fine, man. Yeah, come on. Yeah, go ahead. Why not? That's for your salesman call. If you're going for a salesman job, and you're not selling, you're selling yourself. If you don't call that motherfucker from the car, the house, the hotel, the plane, then you're not going to get it because that shows them you're persistent. That's how you sell something. Nobody's going to sell you something the first time they call you. Come on, Jack, call you the fourth time. Jack, grab the car. I'm going for an oath today.

I got the New England Patriots going fucking big. One of the shows I worked on, this kid got his job because he just was walking around attending out resumes. He ended up sucking, but he got the job because of it. People used to throw their rolled up scripts in convertibles as they were leaving the studios. Oh, God. As I used to say, they roll up their scripts, put rubber bands around them, and as people were driving out of the studios in their convertibles, people would throw their scripts into the cars, like get people to read their script. That's another thing I don't understand about how you live with yourself. Who's ever reading that script ever? It's so scummy. Who could be like that creepy about it and live with yourself? That's another, I don't know. Read this. It's so good.

You'd be fucking surprised if they did. Listen, just get back to me. I hated that. I had a guy call me in for a meeting once, strung me along, strung me, and then call me in for a meeting. I went in there and meet for a manager, and he was like, okay, yeah, it's like, thanks for coming in. So, listen, I don't think we can work with you. We're kind of full right now. And then he starts talking about the reasons why and what the business is going and what I'm just tuning out now at this point. And I'm just looking around this office and I'm like, why am I here? Why am I in Beverly Hills at 1030 on a Tuesday? I should be in bed. I woke up. Just tell me. You could have told me this on the fucking phone. Don't call the meeting. Yeah. It's like having to come in to get fired.

Yeah. Can you call me in at a validated parking? I would walk out. How was your meeting? I went to 30 of those. Why am I here? I told that she enters. She was like, I don't know why he would have called you in this to say that. I remember when I first got here, they used to be a place on Santa Monica Boulevard that did come in. The industry was all over. It wasn't long ago. There was one over where, oh my God, downstairs. So it was long ago and then there was something else. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But that was the big alt room. That was the big alt room. Luna lounge. Luna lounge. This is 98. I don't know what they're wants. The word on the street was if you blew up Luna lounge, you walked out. That's it. You're

in. You're at least had a development deal for your own show to make. But it was getting on. It was getting on. That was a motherfucker. So unless you knew somebody who could, like there was one kid who get y'all, but he torment you did 55 minutes in between you. Oh, really? So it was him and he put four comics on with the show last three hours because he did 30 minutes in between everybody's different people booked every night. Right. Cause he wanted to get a deal and he was horrible. He had big ears. He was hard. I forget what the fucking guy's name was. Who was it? I forget what his name was, but then it was on. Then there was a place on Santa Monica that was like a restaurant. These jeans. And it was, I got the same thing with these shorts on

today. And it was, and it was Wednesday nights at 10 o'clock and I left there one day and the next time I get to the store and Scott day is there. Scott day comes downstairs and he goes, Hey man, these people came by today. They want to sign me. I go, Scott day, you serious? He goes, they're fucking great. They're great. They used to be a soap fact or soap opera agency. Yeah. But now the guy over there left water brothers. He's got all these people. I forget who's their big guy at the time. Pierre was over there. It was an agency right here. Yeah. But now they're huge. Now it's like that. They merged somebody else. So I go down there. Oh, we loved you the other night. All that factory or at that place, not Luna lounge. All right. We'd like to come see

you again. Hold on one second. Those days, all you had to do was call Scott day. Scott, I'm here from Joe's. Yeah. Showcase at Pacheon. Boom. 9 30, 9 30, 9 15, 9 0 5. You got a primo spot. Yeah. They set you up to win. The comic store, it's such up to win. No one could bump you. They didn't start by your name. Then you started doing fake. Yeah. Mike Young was the king of that. Mike Young was the king of that. He called in for showcases, 19 straight weeks. We're gonna tell you the system from everybody. Yeah. Well, your guy keeps not showing by accident. Get out of here. If your guy's not here, you can't go on stage. So they came to see me. This time they brought like six people. Yeah. Okay. I called them. What's up? Oh, we loved you. Now we got to bring

accounting, bookkeeping. How stressful is that? It's a fucking nightmare. When all you want to do is do something because if you go to an agent, they tell you, we can't sign you. Let me see you real. I got no real. I got no agent. Okay, we go get a real comeback. How am I gonna go real if I got no fucking agent? So you, it was a catch 22. So all I wanted to do was get a theatrical agent. Mitzi was getting me spots. I wanted a fucking theatrical agent. I was here like four or five months. This was it. I went to Ross and bought a shirt, a tie. This was it. They were fucking huge. This guy had just left Warner Brothers. The assistant had left fucking CAA. This guy had left this. They were a powerhouse. They were on, uh, do you know what they were?

Cross the street from where you lived upstairs. That's where they were. All right. When you remember the thing they knocked down when you lived across the street this way. Once they knocked that down, it was such a good view after that. Yeah. This way, when you went this way and you went like 30 feet, you had to go through a patio thing. You went upstairs. Oh yeah. And they were huge. They hold the whole floor this age. Really? That place went under. That place was empty for fucking decades. So I went over there, met home, like eight of them. We love you. Bookkeeping and accounting has to see you now. We had a showcase. Okay. Another showcase. Nine o'clock, nine o'clock. Now 14 people came with suits right from fucking work. You want to talk about nerves? Mitzi showed

up. Everybody was there. Boom. I killed. They hugged me. We're going to talk tomorrow. What do you think? Tomorrow? Boom. Went down there. 14 people came down. They wanted to see something else. I talked to them out of that. Then there was the Christmas holiday. Then I went down to like January 20th and they sat me down six in a conference room, offered me like Pellegrino water and said, you know what? We're going to pass on you right now, but we're going to keep an eye on you. Oh, what a fucking two-faced. We believe you're somebody to deal with in the future. And deal with me now. At best, as I say, develop, build your own career, and then we'll take over. Where it's like, no, I need your help now and then I will stay with you later.

That's what it was back then. That's what it basically fucking was. Jesus Christ. It was rough. It was rough, man. Nobody was signing as an agent. Forget about managers. Then I had Bobby Slayton's manager who was fucking horrendous. I was just sending her checks because you have to pay them 50%. I'm doing nothing. I'm doing nothing. And here I am booking $900 jobs, sending her $130. She didn't even fucking call me at the audition just because she was my manager. I was like, oh my God. Figen wanted some of Rogan's money, opening for Rogan money. He's like, yeah, man, give me 10% of that shit. What? In my way. It must suck though for like managers though. If like you're a good manager and someone just gets big and leaves you right

as you're about to make all your money. Yeah. But the reason they leave you is because you're most of the time you're not doing anything. Not doing anything. It ain't like you signed a giant deal before you signed the paperwork. Like, hold on, let me fire a manager real quick so I can sign this. It ain't that you drop them and then you start moving ahead on your own. Oh, okay. It's commitment. 19 days. You just talked about it. That's the national commitment level. 19 days. So if I come here and I go, I'm going to sign Ari Shafia. We're going to make this happen. The first three days, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, he gets on a phone, right? Like a slave. He's calling everybody. As soon as it signs you, yeah. We love Ari. Oh, we love Ari. He proudly will get your tremendous

audition. That last two and a half weeks. You know, I mean, everything will happen in like two weeks. And then the first no, the two no's he gets if you don't get that big audition. My heart's in it anymore. But they don't just drop you there. They don't drop you. They don't drop you there. They just go, well, wait, we'll see what else comes. And then they just hold you for like a year. You're like, come on, come on. Just say, look, I gave her a good push. I'm not getting a good response on you. It's kind of a fucked up way to make your living. It is. It's like, why wouldn't they work on people who are making them more money? Yeah, I get it. And then the worst is when you talk to other clients and they pull you aside and go,

hey, has Nick been working for you? Like, no, you haven't heard from me either. He sucks. Probably got somebody else. And he'll tell you a story about another client. Did you hear what he did to Whitney? Yeah, he told Whitney he had then all of a sudden three clients are talking about because that's how small the community is. We see each other. So all I gotta do is go up to him and go, come in for a second. Did he call you with that? Yeah, what the fuck's he thinking? Did you hear what he did to Lee? He told Lee. Right, right, right. Yeah. And all of a sudden that's it. Now you got three motherfuckers. Now you got John Gotti all over again. They got to shoot you. They got to shoot you. And they're all talking. Your heart's not in it. They're all talking. You used to do it all the

time. It's like, why am I saying, did I have an audition today? Did I have an audition this week? Then why do I keep seeing you on Facebook through the hours of nine and five? Why are you updating your status on Facebook when I don't have an audition? Playing it fucking simple. I don't get that shit. Pick up the fucking phone, call somebody, make a connection. Remember at the old origin, they couldn't even get us into the fucking casting director that was in his hall. It was down the hall. Right on Laurel Canyon there. Yeah, it was down the hall. They were both on the fourth floor. They couldn't even get you on audition on CSI Miami or the other one that was cast out of there. And they're like, come on, you can't get

me. Just fuck. She are embarrassment alone of having to piss next to you every day. Wasn't the lady really a bitch there? I don't know. Origin. Yeah, that's a Lawrence one. She was a bitch. She was done with that. She was nice enough, pleasant enough. But then when they like split up, she was like, are you going to stay here? I'm like, what are you talking about? You've never gotten me any chance. And you know, I'm friends with him and he's changed my life. And you've never done it. Like, why would you even make this call? What a cunt you would have to be to accept me coming over there. You should be like, no, no, no, no, no, you're his friend. And, you know, you pretty much only made money over there. We, no, you shouldn't come over here. Going out of the way to call.

We want your money. We want your money. Please tell me about it. What was I remember they had my those yellow books. Oh, shit, they had those yellow books and you could send packages away. Oh, yeah, the same old French 10 bucks, you got to get it. It's the only way you get an agent. Send out 80, 80 envelopes. I said four will come back. This is nice. This is as good as it gets though. How many of you guys have how many stars do you have? I had two of the kids. Oh my gosh. What? So unfortunately, you know what I'm saying? I'm trying to tell you that shit. So they had these yellow envelopes. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And you went to Sam, your friends,

and you paid 10 bucks and you went home. And the agent envelope, they also had a manager envelope. They separated it. They said double their double their income. So then some smart motherfucker had the labels. The labels. Already mail order to William Morris to Gersh to this place, to this place. So I would go in there by the book with shop with the labels behind the book. Shuffle, man. The labels of 1995. So I would shop with the manager labels, but steal the agent. They would tell you which ones would accept submissions from non SAG, which ones are SAG only. They still have. I have like an old. Some are like looking for comedians specifically. So is that just before the internet? Wait, yeah, before the internet.

Like I was like, why would that even be a business? It was before, before the internet operated as it did. The internet was around, but it wasn't like that. That's crazy. Yeah. People still have maps in their cars. That's right. And then you had, you had this fucking thing and you sent the thing. They'd say we were looking for comedians, character actors, musicians, and that's when you made a list and you sent it to a mys and stat. Yeah. They're looking for character comics, people like that. They get a list of submissions. So I sent this thing to this agent. The best way to find a commercial agent. That was the best way. That was the best way.

Because all these, all they look at you is their headshot. Right. And they're like, cool. Yeah. They'll give you a shot with a commercial agent. Because they don't have 300 clients. They'll have 300 clients. It's not a big deal. They don't give a fuck. They'll give you a shot. You spent 10 free each audition you can get in. You'll go on for everything with commercials. So I sent like 20 packages and I got a call from three people and one of them is a lady. She goes, I'd love to meet you. I go, all right, where's your office? I look at the paperwork and I go, are you still in the sun? She goes, yeah, but I'm working out of Pasadena.

Wait. I go, okay. I think I went to that lady. And there was a dump. She shared an office with another guy. There was a dog that was holding. Dog. Yeah. Across the weekend from the golf course. And they had tons of headshots on the floor and everywhere. I mean, the only thing they had left off open in their office was like this. It was like orders for headshots. Fucking crazy. Like they were collecting the dreams of want to be actors. They were, they were just feeding off their fucking dreams. Look at their face. She called everyone. They were just, there was packed stacks and stacks of hoarder headshots.

Packly. I don't remember her telling me she'd get me on a TV show with three hours. Oh my God. I remember her. And sitting there going, why are you in an office and Pasadena? You couldn't wrap your head around her, be one to believe. You wanted to believe. She was that fucking good. Oh, this will get me what I want a dream of. I'll be the actor or something, I guess. Is that what it's supposed to want? It was hard.

And then it's just on the chance that you book something, she makes money. I don't know what chance it was. You can get your hand. You're fucking by all means, but they have phones. But the classic scan that got worked on me, no, it didn't get worked on me. She almost had me, but I didn't go for it was, if you listen to. Get headshots to my friend. Which one?

That's what they always say. You need new headshots. Here's my recommendation. This was route. When I first moved here, there was a lady who was managing Monique Marquez. Okay. Okay. She was friends with James Massada. That's a great color card. She was her. She pulled her talent from the Laugh Act three. Okay. So she had a couple of big names, but one of the people she had was Monique Marquez.

So guess who signs with her in 98th? Boom. Joseph. Cocoa DS. No, Ralphie May. Ralphie May comes to town. She tells Ralphie, you're going to be a star. She's a Jewish woman from Miami and grew up around humans. Lot of fucking yelling and screaming.

Good flavor. She was a chubby little Jewish woman yelling and screaming at the commie store. And at the, so one night she calls me on the moon. She goes, I watched your set. You're filthy, but I have something for you right now, right now. I go, what is it? She goes, here's the deal. I spoke to them already.

It's a recurring role in Aria. I was not ready. What? It's a recurring role in some NBC show that obviously didn't last. And she goes, I spoke to them about you. You were not ready? No, not at all. She goes, they want to see you at 430 today and they'll probably put you on 12.

And those days you sign for 27 episodes or something. They'll put you on 13 or 27 episodes. I have them on hold right now. She's calling you, you want to believe so bad. She's calling a guy, not one party. He goes, wait a minute. I've never shot anything in my life and they want me because why would you not think of someone else?

At that point, I shot a commercial for Taco Bell. Yeah, with a dog and maybe something else, but no, there was no hope of me. I had one line or something. And so she said they're on hold right now. She goes, I got them on hold right now. All I need is your commitment. Facts me. I'll fax you a contract.

You sign it and fax it right back to me. That's so scammy. Oh my God. And I will get you on this show today. You will be shooting by next week. You'll be making $15,000 to $12,000 or something. I'm not even going. Something's not right.

Ralphie's been with her for a month and nothing's happened. All right. But she had like a little livestock of people. So I said, no, and you don't know what you're missing. And then about a month later, I started hearing fucked up shit about it. She would charge her clients the money for postage. So at the end of the month, you got a bill from her. That's part of your 10%.

That was part. She was that jewelry guys that at the end of the month, she would send you a bill for the phone call she made office cost. So you get like $100 bill from her every fucking month, which when you're a starving comic is a lot. I'll never forget that Ralphie comes up to the store one night, really depressed. This is how I met Ralphie.

This is the conversation that changed our lives. Ralphie moved to Los Angeles. He was a complete different person. Let's get this out of the way. He was completely different. He was from the South. He was shy. He didn't say much.

But when he went on stage, he was a ball of energy. But he was big and fat. He was 700 pounds when he moved to LA. You see this old picture of him and it's round. It's right. It's amazing. But he was a sweetheart. He lived at Doug Stanhope's apartment.

The one that Doug Stanhope gave up with the other kid from Alaska. That's the apartment he took over. So he had just moved to this town. So it's a lonely Sunday night at the store. It's like December. And Ralphie's gloomy Gus. He's got a long face. And he comes up to me.

He goes, how are you doing, Coco? I have a problem. In those days, he used to call me Mr. Diaz. This is how bad he was, Ralphie. I go, what are you talking about? It's Coco, Joey, whatever. Mr. Diaz? Mr. Diaz.

What the fuck are you talking about? So he's telling me how James Massala wants to sign him. But he feels guilty because he's been maddened by the other lady. And right away, I knew the lady was this. I knew she was a scammer. And I wanted to tell him, but this kid's so sweet. He's not going to even understand what the fuck I'm saying.

So he's telling me the whole story. Also, he goes, she's dying of cancer. And I go, no, I didn't know that. He goes, she's dying of cancer. So I don't want to dump on her that bad. He goes, so what do you think? If I sign with J-Man, go to Montreal, do I stay with her? I go, that bitch got one foot in the grave, one in the banana peel.

Call her up right now and launch that motherfucker. And I'll never forget that he was such a sweetheart of a kid. I did it really crazy. And he just looked at me. He kept, he wanted to cry. But the comic in him just let loose. And he was always different towards me after that. Coco, that was crazy when he told me.

Did you find her? These guys come when they're young and they're also religious. And like, well, I've never even seen or heard anyone talk like this. It was crazy, guys. He fired her and signed with Jamie. Wow. And then- He saw it.

You're supposed to be like, well, that's not a lady. She died and he was drunk. She did die. And now Ralphie sends money to the family. No way. Ralphie bought her something. I know if you pull Ralphie aside, Ralphie bought her a tombstone, something. Ralphie did something.

Because she was Ralphie's first manager. She didn't do anything. But she put him in front of somebody. Okay, well, then she did something. She did something. Maybe. You know Ralphie. Ralphie's dying to give me his fucking money.

Yeah. So what? Ralphie gave me a nug once the size of a fucking, it was the size of one of those scented candles for your place. What? Yeah. And he goes, look at this, look at this. And then I was just getting into weed.

And I was like, wow, it's like a really big nug, man. And I was like, I was like, oh, I was like, cool. And then I gave it back to him. No, it's for you. What? No, no, no, no, no, I'll take it, man. I can't do the impression. He's taking care of me.

I'm like, why? He goes, because Joey Diaz gave me a nug once. We only had two. So I'll always take care of him. I'll take care of everybody. He, uh, he's taken care of me since the, he got. She's never with that weed. She's never with that weed.

Since that conversation, Ralphie made, he's taken care of me one way or another. I'm dead serious with you people right now. He took care of me till, I gotta say, five years ago. And he's still, all I gotta do is call him. All I gotta do is call. I remember my, my tires blew up once I called him. I'm like, oh, Ralphie, I go on the road for three weeks. And he's like, don't eat it.

Call me from the gas station. He goes, put the guy on the phone. It was two tires that blew. Ralphie bought me four, got the suspension fixed. You know, Ralphie's one of those motherfuckers. He ain't just going to stop at two tires, you know, you know that. There was a year where, there was a year where Ralphie would get off the road, get in the rental car at LAX, drive to my house.

Before he'd even go to his house. We go to the pot store. By weed. And he'd buy a quarter pound with Matzo G, a quarter pound. A quarter pound. Quarter pounds. In their prime, in their prime, Ralphie May was like the Michael Jordan of weed. He was like, in his prime, it's arguably the biggest tolerance of any company at the end of all time.

He was smoking eighth before breakfast. Every day. Could you hang with him, Joey? Yeah. Oh yeah. We used to sit there and kind of pretend. Just have sessions. Sessions.

And then he'd cook. And then he'd cook. He cared so much about cooking. Both you guys, whenever you gave me a food recommendation, I said I was going to move to Poinsettia, you got to go to the walk. Gigantic portions, really delicious. And I looked at you, that's when you were fat. And I was like, I'm going to listen to this guy.

On this subject, I will be at that walk this week. Which was the Hoy's Walk? Yeah, it was right on the corner point. I just thought it was easy. No, it's gone now. It's gone now. I think it's a falafel place now. Yes.

That was the place I turned you on to. You could order single combo, double combo, or triple combo. If you were a triple combo, it was two and a half meals for $13. Lee, it was crazy. Lee, it was like going to. And great. Great. Good noodles and good rice.

Rice and noodles. Both, please. Thank you. What's the Chinese place next to Big Wayne? Oh, Panda Express. This place was like a fucking family-owned Panda Express type deal. And they didn't give a fuck. We're at a place we were just talking about.

The Chinese place. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We used to get soup. Yeah, it was good. Everything was good there. It was spicy. They give you the spicy right idea. As much as I could there, then take the rest and the one block walk.

Yeah, take a look. Back to 916, Northbourne, Setia. We had a back alley and I had neighbors next to me that would fuck and I'd put my glass to the wall and I would listen to them fuck right by my bed. And eat Chinese food? Yeah, and I'd pretend to go take trash out to the alley where the garbage cans were so I could look in their window and look at them. I got too scared.

I never got a good look. They fucked all those guys. That guy told me he had a, he used to book a lot of commercials. I booked my first one while I was there and he was like, I used to book a lot of commercials. I was like, oh, cool. It's like, you still doing that? I go, nah, I work at like a wine seller now or something.

He's like, I can't run out of money. And I was like, oh, all right, listen, don't spend your money. Do you have to like take acting classes to get commercials? Fuck no. You got to get some glasses, grow a beard, and the old day wear a wristband. That's it. Yeah, that's it. And you got to look the part, bro.

I was going to tell you, you were interested in it last week. For yourself. I was like, maybe I should. You should. It's co-aqua. Let's take it down to the aqua. Get you a little extra. You got any roly poly categories left?

Maybe. Yeah. They'll love you though. You'll do great. You'll do great. You know what? A guy like you will shoot three commercials a year. I knew it was an Asian kid who would just crash auditions and book them.

And book them. And because he was so goofy, we were going, we love that guy. You're going to book three commercials a year. I know for a fact, you're 7,000 on each commercial. You're going to get SAG insurance. You get insurance. I just qualified again after insurance. I don't know what their insurance is like.

What's it like? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I fuck with you. That's amazing now. See, I thought they joined the unions. Why am I not getting the joint?

Fuck, what the fuck? Come on, man. Are you making it harder on us? I don't want to get started on another fucking topic here, but this is what's going on right now. Used to be 13 grand. You get plan 1 insurance, no charge. Free, 100% free.

I love open criticism. I love open criticism. And I appreciate it. I take them all like a champion. I think about them. And I'll give you my explanation, or my apology, or my agreement of what subject we had. Yeah, a couple weeks ago, my wife and I were talking.

We were talking about something. She goes, you know, she goes, at times, you're a fucking paranoid of these people. And I go, you're talking about all the people who fuck. I go, we just finished the conversation about how you told me that the biggest, you have to check your doctor bills now. Because they'll just charge you more. Always check your doctor bills.

You're like, you've built me three times for this. The last time you said that's the last charge. And now you're billing me again. Why am I doing this again? She was just telling me this. She was just telling me this in a casual conversation. It's not like I made this up. I go, you were just telling me.

She goes, yeah, but that's just one thing. They have dumb bookkeepers. And you're going to meet the girls when you check in. You think they're great at fucking Excel? You think they're awesome at it and they don't make mistakes ever? Well, sometimes they say, excuse me, I've been here for 35 minutes. Well, when you go to American Airlines and you put your suitcase down, they want another $100.

Yeah. It's not, it's time. People will understand. You just call. I'm not even saying nothing bad. If you call AT&T today and go, listen, I found the better deal or whatever. They want a buck and a quarter. I just had to pay $160 to leave Direct TV.

To leave them. And you're like, are you feeling me? Your shit never worked. And I don't believe it. As I'm leaving, you're billing me? It never worked. That is an American consumer. I get fucked at one level or the other.

Every fucking day, whether or not, well, not gas now. Verizon did that. Verizon DSL. I fucked a month and a half of calling them over and over and over again. The shit never worked. They sent three people and they're like, well, we want $100 for the time. What the fuck are you talking about? You had our box for a month double.

I called four times a week. You should fucking pay me for my time. Tell them about the San Diego Charger ticket. Oh, I heard about that. So people get pissed. My wife's like, you know, you know, right the leg. I go every day. I talk to somebody who gets ripped off by a corporate somehow.

I had to shit on them and then enough people to go, oh, we're sorry. Fuck, we looked at what happened. We're really sorry. But what happens if I didn't fucking have a podcast? Then what you would have done? You just fucked somebody over. Build them with 360 bucks for tickets that weren't even real. You'll go back and say, sorry, nothing we can do.

You see how much it's gonna be? Give them a hundred dollar, hundred dollar refund. They're like, we'll give you a hundred. Cram me all of it. Why am I making this call? You faceless corporation. You just keep taking us, taking us. We're gonna fight back.

Horde your guns. You're gonna need them. Horde those guns. My wife gets mad at me. And then what about the ticket company that charges like a $19 service fee? $19, but you see the broken tickets are. 26 bucks a piece. Two tickets, we paid $89.

Horde your guns. $89? So it was $29. So it was 16 bucks, but it was a fee of $29. Each one has a separate service fee. Each one. And I've talked to the people at the fucking, at the ticket place, and they go, well, it's the venues.

It's them charging it. I was like, well, then do a better job of publicizing who's doing it. Because you look like you have a bad fucking eye. You look like you got a black eye. Like you're doing it. Two service charges. The service charges when you actually speak to someone. That's the fucking service.

You're not doing service. That's what they do now. Some two charges. And it's one click. You gotta be kidding me. So you do like four tickets. You're going to be 14 bucks on each one. What does that mean?

Service charge. Is there any other way to do it? Okay. Thank God I'm not the only person that feels this way. Service charge. Pratt Jam was saying it 20 years ago. We weren't listening. We're called dumb hipsters.

I told him the story. They're robbing you. They're robbing you people. That money doesn't go to the comic or the fucking musician. Doesn't go to them at all. They're already getting paid though, the venue. They're selling alcohol. They're selling posters.

They're selling, they say service. What service? When we go in there with a t-shirt, if they sell a t-shirt, they want 50% of it. Yeah, they get some of that too. That's why you're like, how come? Oh, these comics, these whatever. Musicians are greedy.

They're charging 30 bucks a t-shirt. They get percentage of the gross or the net, whatever the big one is. So you pay seven bucks to get them printed, and then they take eight. And then you're going to raise your price. You're going to make a $2 a shirt. Then what's the point?

Why do you get it cut? You know what Kid Rock does? Split it down the middle. Everything. Liquor sales, t-shirt sales, ticket prices. He goes, you can't charge more than 20 bucks because my fucking audience, Justin tells me all this, my audience won't come.

It's a good show, but it's not a fucking $75 show. But it's a real good show for 20. But I know they're drinkers, and I know that's more valuable to you than fucking Tori Amos. That doesn't sell any booze. Sells some fucking, depends, and that's it. Not depends, 10 bucks.

So he goes, I want a 50-50 cut. And they're like, all right, it's worth it. But what the service charge? That's just them taking it. We add more. What's, why 14 and not 12 sometimes? But it's just a random charge? The fuck are you talking about?

You didn't do it. I just had to pay because there are no more seats on a flight and I had to sit in row four. I had to pay 30 bucks. Because there were no more seats. You had to pay extra. To sit in, like, not even first class, just like higher up.

Or they cram you in the back. You ever see that empty in the front and the economy plus empty? We're all crammed in the back. Like, can we just spread out? There's no one in any of those rows. Nope. No, that would be fair to the people who paid.

But nobody's paying. Why is there classism right now? Why are you forming classism? Fine. If somebody's in a row, let them have the whole row. But the empty rows, let us go there. It's like Hotel Rwanda here. Come on.

You're like Moses of the Year. Ah! Set us free. Horde your guns. We're definitely going to the bigger game. Horde your guns. The more they need, the more they fucking get in business with the government.

Those corporations, you know why you can make another 100 bucks? Get the government to fucking look the other way. I'm surprised. They changed laws. They knocked on the fucking door right now. Horde your guns. The other day during our Joshua's podcast, a black lady did knock on the door,

and I almost panicked. Because I was still high from the podcast with you or something. So did you open the door? Yeah, I just wanted to go to the bathroom, but it was a black lady. I was like, whoa. Because Fleet Bay, I surprised her one crazy one day, and a black lady got his kids in her mother-in-law's office.

Hi, Elisa. Pretty fucking high. Want to smoke some more hash? Not really. I know they're so dry. Because I'm super high. I got a little bit more hash left in this fucking thing. We should bound this.

I got some blonde hash. That's what was in the joint. Little blonde hash. That's what's in the joint. You motherfucker, it tasted funny. Sure. What the fuck do you think you're dealing with? Little blonde hash.

I got it so high. Look at the chicken though, people. Maya. Azuka. Oh my god, my nose is so jammed. I can't even smell it. So I'm going to take it away for this. Little blonde hash.

A little platinum motherfucker. It's platinum. It's platinum Girl Scout cookies. Oh, Girl Scout cookies are always good. This is tremendous. It's always good. Listen, they're weed over at Sunset Herbal Center where I go. It's great weed, but it's a little moist at the time.

Yeah. So I got to go home and put it in computer paper and hide under the fucking printer. Yeah. Now let it dry a little bit. Like sometimes if I got a lot of weed, it dries overnight. So when I wake up in the morning, it's nice and pofty. It's like a fucking bomb like this morning.

That shit was dry. I put it in the bomb. I put it in the pipe. Bam. I was gone. This is where I ate the Cheerios and motherfucking a bag of a piece of weed. You told me like the names don't really matter. Like one place someone can call something is something and it can be different.

Like shouldn't they make it? So it's the same everywhere? Like so you actually know what you're getting by the name? Is she getting fucked in there? Who's yelling? It sounds like it. It's just a Russian lady who makes clothing. No.

That's what we think. It's not any soundproofing in this place. That's how we think. But it's not really like that. People sell it according to their market. So what? A weed name. So if they have a lot of weed, like whatever enigma OG is in the valley.

Yeah. Enigma OG at your favorite store in Hollywood is going to be two different stores. Yeah. That should be the same. No. Malley, wow is always the same. It might be different grows of the same. But it's the same type of high.

Listen man, I've talked to a lot of these owners. A lot of these owners will say that this comes in but people won't buy that name. People just won't buy that name. Oh really? So they would rename it something like that. A name that sells for their market. You know what I was saying? The barb is different than somewhere else.

Yeah. See that one. They got the TV on. I don't care. She put her TV on and drawn us out. I don't know. She put her TV on and drawn us out. That's all right.

Yeah. The police are probably coming because hoard your guns. We're not that far from the police station. The ATF is going to bang on the door. Let me give some shout outs here. It's a rock, mass, trangelo. It's the office under D.S. because they're adorable. Aaron Blunt, Corey Moe, Corey Lighta, Oogie Spooky, David Sighans,

Ashley Satello, and Kyle Arrolano. I love you motherfuckers as you can tell we're a little stoned to the gills. Oogie Spooky's an Austin. She's really cool. We smoked the hash joint. We did some 50 milligram addables. What were they? Here are the best stories I have for the year.

What? You, Ali Sadiq, has a really good one. Ms. Pat crushes it. Ms. Pat crushed it. Kreischer, that was Conrad Central's favorite one. They all love that out in the most. Um, Renazisi did a really good one. Cordry.

I did a couple good ones. Cordry look funny. Yeah, he was. He was handling it really well. He really prepared really hard. He's one of the non-comers we had and he really fucking worked hard at it. Now was that show Children's Hospital his? He's on it.

I don't know if it's his completely. I don't know. It might be his completely. I think it's his because he wrote, he was very, you know, that's the first time ever somebody sent a note to my agent. With Children's Hospital? Yeah, he sent the note to my agent. Like listen man, Joey came in prepared, blah, blah, blah.

It was really impressive. Yeah, it was one of those jumps. I was like, I don't want to do it. The money blows. But at the end of the week the money was great because it's all over time. The initial is the deal they have is a weird deal. They go it's $2.99 for three days and you're like $2.99 for three days. That's not even you.

He goes, yeah, but after eight hours it's all over time. So the second and the third day it's all great. If you shoot three days, you're gonna get 20 hours of overtime, which I even get like 92 hours of fucking overtime because you're there from six in the morning to 12 at night. Yeah, yeah. For a 15 minute show. But that's where we're saying how you need your agent to believe you for

two weeks and it's over. You get a call from someone saying, hey, this guy's really good. You should fucking, you know, they're more likely to keep helping you. That's really helpful. Listen, the agents that suck are the ones that don't believe in you. Are the ones that don't believe. Look at these red, are the ones that, where's the Israeli flag? It's better not be on the fucking floor though.

People have died from the Israeli flag and it can't be on the fucking floor. Oh, we'll never let that happen. We'll never let that happen. I forgot I had it on though. I like these last of those podcasts, you know what I'm saying? What do you normally do at eight o'clock at night? I'm known as Israeli spy this way and I pull out my Uzi. I like that.

It's fucking insane. So what do you got this weekend? You home this weekend again? Home this weekend. Feel good to be in LA? Weather nice? Yeah, so Benji had this dog. He left me this dog.

So it's like, you know what? Do you have to take care of it? Yeah, but it's got, I've always wanted a dog, but I couldn't have it because I want, I don't have a backyard. You almost kind of have to sort of, and then two, I go on the road a lot. Yeah. What am I going to do? But this is just for three months.

So it's like, it's like a rental dog. All right. And he's got a little backyard with a doggie door. So you're going to take it on the road? No. I'll just give it to someone else when I'm on the road. Oh, okay. You like him?

What's his name? I just call him, like the dude and stuff. Is he cute? Yeah. But you take it for walks? Yeah. It's nice. A different look.

Hey, he's great. He gets kicked. Every time I walk towards the door, they get so excited. When I come back, they're excited to see you. I miss having a dog. Doesn't do shit though. Benji hasn't trained him to do fuck all. I won't fetch.

Won't do anything. He barks at other dogs, small dogs. He goes crazy, angry. But it's pretty cool when he's inside. He's on your lap and shit. Girls most like it. Yeah. I don't know girls seen it yet.

That's nice, man. It's a different taste to you. I mean, I know you like New York, but I got to tell you something. New York is the time of the year. No, that's what I was going to say. I've been walking the dog with my shirt off in fucking middle of January.

Shorts. I called my buddy on Saturday. I told him it was 82 degrees. He didn't believe me, so I was fully shit. Shorts and no shirt. 82 degrees on Saturday. It was pretty beautiful, California. Were you watching the football games yesterday?

Seattle? Oh, yeah, like a two. And then New England. Do you want to be there? No. And that was just rain. It wasn't even snow. And how cold was it in New England?

It was 50. No, it wasn't bad. It got down to like 40s late in the game. That's still cold. Well, you're sitting out there for three hours. Doesn't get like that here. Lowers that gets here is 50s at night. And that's, well, I had to turn my heat on.

It's 40, 40. Dirty in Burbank two weeks ago. We had like two weeks. And look how everyone talks about it. Oh my God. I had to turn my heat on. Two weeks ago. It froze.

I never turned my heat on in an hour. It's the greatest. I had to put my heat on in the mornings for a couple of days. It was just freezing. Fucking freezing. But no, it's... Yeah, I'm so glad to be back here now. Fuck yeah.

Talk to the East Coast in the winter. Can't wait to start seeing the pictures of the blanks of snow and slush and just like... When do you go back? April. Okay. And it'll still be cold. It was this year.

It was still cold. They hadn't had a cleavage day yet. It was still fucking... What the fuck? It was like cold, cold weather. It is like kind of like the perfect arrangement because I miss the East Coast. Great.

East Coast. East Coast from like end of March until... I want to say maybe early August because it gets super hot, but you can even stay through August into October. They got this broth place now that Tate told me about. It's fucking bone broth. They boil it down.

Where? Like 12th and 1st. Okay, New York City. Yeah, Brodo. He said it's like the healthiest thing. And I fuck it. Oh, they get so much fun shit there. And you can go to so many cities like really close.

Like you go from Boston to New York to Philly to Washington D.C. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. By train and shit. So how about buses? That costs like 15 bucks. All right, relax. We're not Mexicans.

You don't take buses in New York. Well, not... Oh, in New York, I know. You're right. Yeah, not the city buses, but like Boston to New York buses. I've taken buses here now and it really is a lot of Mexicans.

They were right. First buses I ever took here. The fuck are you doing? I'm a little ball-itch. I'm trying to show you. I got shorts on. I ain't had a little butt down. Joey did the tour on a bus.

The what? He did tours on Greyhounds. He said... I did, yeah. You would just tour on the country. I used to fly to New York, get off. My friends would pick me up. And then I'd go out of Port Authority in New York City.

Yeah. You could basically go around the fucking world. I'm telling you right there. You go to Port Authority, go up to Greyhound, go look, I want to go around the world. You give about 10 minutes. She'll figure it out. She'll figure it out.

She'll figure it out, dog. They'll take you... You know, a lot of times... When I was a feature act or like headline D rooms or C rooms, you know, I would go to New York and as a comic, when you're a feature, you're not looking to pay $60 a night for a hotel.

You're looking to crash on somebody's floor or whatever. And most of the times I'd go back East and my buddies would answer the phone or I'd call them and they'd go, I'm down the shore. I didn't leave a key for you. You know, they'd go, fucking. Let's say I had to be in Dallas on Wednesday

and I was in New York on a Monday. I called Greyhound and go, what's the cost? We haven't expressed for $90. I was gonna fly on there for $400. I got another deal but killed time. So you just slept on the bus for three days? It wasn't above.

You get from Dallas to New York in 24 hours on the ground. Really? They haven't expressed. You just sleep on the bus for one day. 24 hours here. You know, they let you off for two hours. Oh, right, right.

You take a shower at one place. It's a fucking nightmare but it's not gonna kill you. I've heard of people taking seven days on a trip. J.F. Harris does it now. They had the megabus. If you went one of the first, it's a dollar.

If you get one of the first couple things and so he's on it. He's on it waiting for it to come on sale. Trying to get that dollar so he can save money on the road. What's the megabus? I don't know. And they have just a bunch of different bus companies now that like, there's one here that goes from LA to Vegas.

Yeah, it's pretty crazy. Shivers. And what, is it like a party bus or something? No, no, no, it's just a cheap, you know. So make your smoke. And the fucked up thing is, is a lot of these smaller companies, because it's Greyhound,

but then a lot of these smaller companies are owned by Greyhound. Oh, right. They own like three or four companies. All the ticket companies are owned by the same people. Ticketmaster buys them all. So you're like, oh, it's a different company that can be for a little bit

and Ticketmaster grabs it. You're sticking it to the corporation but not really. But uh, they're cool. I mean, I took them, I could imagine doing what you're doing. I once looked and it took two days to get from here to Boston, like two and a half days on a Greyhound.

I just looked to see what it, what road it would take. How much? Like 170? Not bad. Wow. So I think it was a while ago. Did you do two days with no shower on the bus? Yes.

Two days with no shower. But you took a day shower? I would never want to sit next to you for two days. I took one of you. I don't want to sit next to anybody for two days. Sticky motherfuckers. Two days. You don't think it's day for two days?

Oh, I would smell so bad. I smell bad now. Can you imagine two days just sitting Monday morning to a Wednesday afternoon with no shower, your ass, your legs are fucking rigatello. Right. Yeah. They're fucking hot.

And then what are you eating? It's gone. Yeah. You're eating garbage. French fries at a truck stop. And then move on. Oh my god. My brain, I did it.

That's what I'm, you know, I don't think I went two days on a shower, you know, be a fucking dirty asshole. Because you can miss a bus and just taking a later bus. I didn't. Man, it was rough, but I fucking pulled it off. I don't know how. And I would go from Toronto in those days

all the way to Atlanta, Georgia. I took an Amtrak one time. Toronto to Georgia. From Miami to Atlanta, Georgia. Fuck. Amtrak would be fun though. I like Amtrak. I like trains.

I take them in Canada sometimes. It's just really expensive. It's expensive. It's way more expensive than you think it'd be. It's all most comparable with the airline. Because they fuck you at every level. Okay. See, that'll pay you.

Well, how much for the ticket? $1.59. Oh my god. American Air is $2.29. I'll save $80. Well, then you got to take the cab to the fucking airport. Then they tell you to take the cab. That's 40.

Then you get on the train and they could upgrade you. The upgrade cost. Oh, you want to sit with six people you don't know? Or you could sit in the chair, point fucking north, looking at a TV. That's cool. But even that first class, there's not even good anymore. What?

The planes? Yeah, and they upgrade you like this ain't fucking luxurious. This ain't, this is what regular flying used to be. United Charges for TV. Does, do you know how it charges for TV? Yeah. Just a little gift for free, but now they're charging for bags. Well, yeah.

Well, most places give it to you for free. But then United canceled me out of Vermont. And I had to drive. I had to miss my friends' wedding and drive to Albany to get back here. They should pay you for that. They should. I had to pay more to my rental company.

They should pay for all that shit and pay you for your trouble. The rental company wouldn't, like, why couldn't you just drop a car off? Plans are enough. They charge you with everything. If you say, oh, I can't make that flight, I gotta go later. Go, well, we gotta make a change of, change, change of ticket fee. $75, $150. I got that travel insurance once.

Yeah. Last year. Did it work? No. HOT! It was snowing. That huge store, that huge store in the hit New York. Joe, remember you were calling me?

What you guys? That humongous store in hit New York. So we left an expensive hotel and paid a bunch of money. I bought a bus ticket and a train ticket. And we got on the last train out of New York. And I called the insurance thing and like, oh, look at it. It's not for weather. It's for some, of course, something that never happened.

It's not for what? Oh, it's for what? Like, your mom has to get cancer or something? I don't know. Something stupid, but it's, yeah. Oh, it doesn't cover weather? I don't think so. What's your deal insurance?

It should be for anything. $14. I think it was like, I think it was like $25. Yeah, but you're never going to use it. It's like insurance at the blackjack table. It's a shitty bet. Only suckers get that. Fuck insurance.

Suckers and Asians. I'm telling you, man, that's fucking ridiculous. You can't even use your insurance. You're just selling that no one full will. You're not getting the car companies, too, $25 a day. My car? I wait for the best deal for $19.99. Then you're going to hit me with $25 a day for insurance.

My car insurance just went down from $300 a month to $150, because I had my old apartment. Three people went into my car. Yeah. I was paying $300 a month for like three years. $300 a month? May as well not even have it. I know.

You may as well not even have it. I'm paying $300 a month right now for health insurance. We used to get free insurance, Joey Diaz, if you made $13,000, we wouldn't have to pay a dime. We wouldn't have to pay a dime when we got there. There was no copay when we got to the doctor. Everything was free if we made $13,000. Are you just laughing because-

Now we have to make $35,000. And you got to pay fucking- Copay. It's hundreds of dollars a month. And then copays, and it's getting more and more expensive. My girlfriend just went to- And they'll say, oh, I said, everybody has it now. But they won't change the fuck.

How is that legal? How's any of that legal? Boil your guns. And I need them so soon. I'm telling you, the day will be honest before you know it. I just went with Paula to get a prescription. They wanted to charge her $900 for one prescription. $900?

Is she having insurance? She does. What? It was $900 because it was like- It was like cosmetic. I'm paying for it. Why is this more expensive than it was last night? Oh, new rules flipped around.

We sent you notice in the mail. What are you talking about? Pay three guys a month. Oh, it's just legal. You have insurance and you're still paying? You have insurance. That means you don't pay anything. That's what insurance means.

What a star. The new insurance is expensive. And the fucked up thing is a lot of places don't take it because apparently all new insurance now- Why the fuck did you give it to them? All insurance now is under Obamacare and a lot of those people don't want to take it. No, sorry.

We can't give you mental health anymore. No, I know you were suicidally depressed six months ago. We can't give you mental health anymore because the rules changed around. We have to offer it to everybody. It's not cost effective, so sorry. What about those? Less insurance.

What about insurance? People have to deny. People getting paid for their cancer treatment. Obamacare. And then knowing they die. Wait for Jared Loughner to go into your offices and see what happens. Oh, my God.

What did we go wrong today, people? This was a nice American show. Please pay $300 a month for insurance. Believe in America. There's gonna be so many angry comments on this video. I believe in America. We're gonna have like a whole bunch of Arabic comments. People in the avatars of the Palestinian flag.

Oh, my God. Listen to me. I am so fucking stoked right now. America, you were not. Keep billin' ya. They keep billin' ya. I hope we can step in. These fucking stars ain't bad, you know what I'm saying?

Stars are good. You're right. Yeah. They're cool high. Yeah. How are you doing, Lee? What are you thinking about right now? What are you gonna go eat?

Nothing. I ate before this because I know it's gonna be really high. And it kind of helped. But you didn't go to the gym today. Not yet. Not yet. Not yet. I go every day.

Do you really? Yeah, I've lost 81 pounds. Let me go with you, Lee. Let me go with you, Lee Bird. It's more not flying. Let's go after this. I can't go like this. Why not?

You can go for hours like that. Oh, no, no, no. I tried doing it once and it almost fell off. Let's go and let's tape you. Let's tape you. Let's tape you. Be an Aria tape you. We'll be your guests today.

We'll pay the fee. We'll go and tape you. Put on YouTube for the fucking beautiful people at home. That would be terrifying. Do I tell you people happy Martin Luther King Day? Happy Martin Luther King Day. What the fuck happened? Nobody even mentioned Black people in this conversation.

Oh, yeah. ESPN was kind of fucked up. They have a Martin Luther King Day game and it's Atlanta versus Detroit. They were selling it as a special game. What do you mean? A Martin Luther King Day NBA game. What do you want to sell this?

Nobody's working. You know, Black people ain't working. But why does it have to do with the two Blackest cities? So what? Who gives a fuck? Do you look at it that way? I don't know. Right?

Nobody's working. People have the day off. They want to watch a Martin Luther King basketball game. They don't want to watch a Martin Luther King fucking basketball game. They have a dream, too. They're going to probably do a special thing for Martin Luther King. Martin Luther King, everybody. He died for our sins.

He walked. That's a bad motherfucker right there. Somebody shot him, but he got blessed soon. Yeah. All right. So this week, you hope that next week we get the Dead with the Comedy works. Dead with the Comedy works with Mr. Steve Simone.

Oh, shit, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. That's a great show. That's how we do it. Yeah. I'm excited about that. You know, skiing before Wrecking Ridge. Fucking slope it up.

I have a buffalo in New York this Thursday, Friday and Saturday. So cold. Who's better than me? Oh, why? That's so cold. I guess that will be cold, too. I'm connecting flights, but I don't give a fuck, Jack. I'm going.

You don't get nervous? Are you back to Seattle, too? I'm in Seattle in February. Did you get, what are we, how are we standing on that? I spoke to Ivan to celebrate about two hours ago. And I called him back. Yeah. I got his machine.

So I got to call him back. We got to go from square one. The judge wants me to go back in front of him. They have to go back in front of the judge. Can they lock you up? Can they go lock it? Like, can they throw the, you know, throw the gauntlet down? Whatever it's called.

They could do whatever the fuck they want. And I'm saying, can they right there like take you into custody? But wait, Joey, they'd be like the number one podcast. Oh my God. If you called into your podcast. If you got high microphones all over. If I did what? If you called into the podcast from president.

Face your charges. When will you quit running from a lot? I don't want a number one podcast to be in jail. I just want to be able to come here two days a week and do my fucking podcast. Is it worth it? But leave in America. You've been, how long ago was it? 20 years?

20 something years. What did that come on, man? They don't give a fuck. It's money. That's why it takes months for trials to happen. It's all money. It's all money. We just want to live our lives.

It's all money. We're just trying to live our lives. Then Aaron Hernandez trial is just about to happen. That happened two years ago. Yeah. And he's just going to trial. Just wasting money. You punch in five days a week.

You know what's it cost the state to keep? The state gets a certain amount of money for every day that Aaron's in jail. The state gets like 55 dollars a day. It's amazing. And I know he's guilty. And the prisons are part of it. So they get money. So they want you to stay in jail longer.

I know he's guilty. But what about the people who might not be guilty and just don't have bail money and then have spent two years in jail for something they are anything of? That's a great point. That's terrible. That's an excellent point. Well, what are you going to do? Voting doesn't seem to work.

It doesn't. People get mad at me when I say I don't vote. I mean, it doesn't work. What's the point? You keep playing their sucker game. I mean, it's better than doing nothing. But it's like, it's not better. It's equal to doing nothing.

You want the startling? In fact, it's probably worse. It's probably the last one. I just don't get why it's on a popular vote. That's where it ends for me. Yeah. Just everybody, you know, parliament system. What's up, buddy?

No, I'm just checking up on you because you're still black and beautiful. Always. I got some heavy duty clothing for Buffalo. I'll be excited. We get some wings with blue cheese. Nice. Excellent. What's a good place down like the anchor or something?

No, that's the first place. That's just like the tourist place. I got some places that are going to bang out. People will take me. I think I'm going to roll on Saturday, I think. That's good. Yeah. Come back Sunday morning.

I'm ready to rock. Are you going to roll right after the wings? No, I'm going to roll before the wings. I'll probably roll on Friday and shit like that. You know what I'm saying? What's with the questions? What's with the questions? What is this?

A tech commandment? What's with the questions? Shit. Ah, sucka, really? You looking good, Lee. Wow. Thank you. I'll sign this.

You can get my special if you missed it. You can buy it online. You can still buy it. That's how Lee did it. Lee said he got it. I cut cables. How was the process? For real?

It was two seconds. Great. Yeah. You get bonus features, right? You get two bonus features. It was a little hard to figure out where I was going to download it from, but I found it. Okay.

But I was pretty high when I bought it. What was it down? What was the bonus features? A little tour of the comedy store. Like, me of all the shit I've done around the place. Like, this is the phone room. I would sleep here. That's pretty cool.

They would show up, yeah. And then the jewellery. We did that jewellery. That would be embarrassing. All the comics do. Yeah, I know that. We did it right after the show. Did your parents do that?

As soon as the show ended. I don't know. I don't know. I would hope not. Yeah. We did it as soon as the last show ended. We were like, I was like, thank you very much. Everybody's clapping.

And then Don's just come. You can hear it with the brain. He's like, sit down. Sit down. Did you tell this guy in the crowd that you were a Jew? Did they know? And did that happen organically? Like, not on the special, but yeah.

Yeah, overtime. Yeah. And then people just start asking fucking ridiculous questions. It's great. Yeah, I'm happy with it. And 30 more. Yes. Go to Ari Shafir if you want to get it.

And it's on demand too. The broadcast version's on demand. But it's like seven. It's like double the time for five dollars. It's like more than double the time. Yeah, because the TV version was how long? 40, 44? 42.

And this was like 72, 73. Yeah. And then all that extra shit. What did they take out? A few bits. Okay. A nice public service announcement. They should watch with their girlfriends.

And a couple fun bits. That's cool. Yeah, we didn't really chop the bits up much. We just took out entire bits. That is one of the cool things that corporations do, like how Comedy Central is now selling for five dollars. Because a couple of the comedians made them for five. Yeah, they like learn.

Learn from the fucking market. Some of them, sometimes they learn. Yeah, sometimes they learn. You know, you can pay by credit card in a cab now. Because Uber is like. But they hate it. Yeah, but it's like they fight. I used to have them go.

I'll drive you to an ATM. Cab driver. No, I don't have my cash. I'll drive you to an ATM. I'm like, no, dude, I'm already where I'm going. No, no, no, you can't play. The machine's broken. What are you doing?

And I swipe it and it works. And they're like, oh, I guess it works now. They're fucking assholes. But then they try to they try to get the law to shut Uber down. But then it's because they can see the shitty business and they'll shove it in our faces. I think it's because like the taxi companies take money out of their thing for the credit card transaction.

So everyone's getting every credit card judge's actions. Take that they charge like 1.7 percent. The credit cards charge people to use it. They get interest when we don't pay it. And they charge the fucking company to have to use it. This and they'll never go to jail for shit. There's always a buy all those bankers are fine now living in their mansions.

Well, they don't tell about everything. There was always a fucking by the way, whether it's like goddamn cab. Because the last two times I've gotten into cities, they've asked me, are you paying cash? Oh, yeah. And they asked you up front, listen, what would you rather have cash or your card?

Absolutely. They lose a 1.5 percent plus there's a record of the transaction. Yeah, but then I can deduct it. If I can if I can credit, I can deduct it from my taxes. You know, these fucking cab drivers have taken a tremendous hit with Uber. They were offering a shitty service. Every fucking time you go to an airport now,

there's a million cabs. You go to Vegas, maybe Vegas, you gotta wait a little bit. So many cabs now. Now, you don't wait. That thing is moving. Yeah. You just walk by the time you get to that first sidewalk right there where the cabs are.

There's a cab waiting for you. There's no more like hold on five seconds. Yeah. And Uber just got to Las Vegas. They fought them for a while on it. They fought them. They try to go to the government. They try to like, we can get to the government.

Because that's the best place for it. Because those stupid cab lines in Vegas. They just pick you right up. They say, oh, well, no, you can't do it from the airport. Because what? Get out of here, cab companies. We don't want you anymore. You can't call an Uber here at the airport.

You can't. No? No, you gotta go offside. You can get dropped. You can get dropped off. You can get dropped off there, but you can't call it to there. So yeah, that's a trick somebody said, that you take a shuttle to one of the parking places.

Yeah, you can do that, but then it's just extra time. But like, why? Why can't you get picked up here? You can get picked up from your friend. Because the taxi companies pay people. They pay people off. That's no reason you shouldn't be able to do it. That's called lobbying.

This is not usually a political pocket. And then you just pay less money for a better, sir? Oh, it's clean all the time. Oh, you refuse to make your shit clean and you're charging twice as much? Tell me why. And they're not using child labor. So why shouldn't we, I don't understand.

Why shouldn't we go over there and use their thing? No, no, no, they're not accredited. Accredited what? You guys are terrible drivers. Cab drivers are horrible. It's super dangerous every time you get in. It's less expensive. It cost me $12 to get from Laurel Canyon right here

down to the Improv on Saturday. No tip. You don't talk to them. Just do your shit. Where is it? Just insert, man, and you're fucking... Are you done the tipping over? No. You can. You can extra if you want.

Oh, it's already in the tip. But it's in there. The original price. It goes to them. It goes to them. They're good. It takes their money. They pay in for their miles and here's their money.

People make good money out of it, apparently. That's why they do it because they make good money. Tons of people. It's all these ex-cab drivers, too. Yeah, fine. Well, it's also limo drivers that want to double it. But then they get the actual limo. They get the money now.

Yeah, they get the money. Yeah, why do you go to your boss now? I can just work for myself. No one should be unemployed if you have a car. Exactly. Why should you? If you want to use what you have to make money, and here's the deal. If you're a bad driver, you get bad reviews,

then they say, we don't watch you anymore. Then they're like, you're no longer a Uber driver. Do you guys review every driver? Uh-huh. I tried to. I mean, because before they bring up the next one, when you try to order the next one, they go, what'd you think of this guy for the last one?

So then you go right there. You're like, oh, that guy was terrible. But they didn't do this to me last time. They emailed this to me, and I hit the wrong star. I thought I was just clicking on something to go to where I would rate them. And I clicked on the fourth star by mistake, and I think I went back and tried to give them a five.

But usually it's five. If they have like shitty seats, you're like four. I haven't even told Joey. I'm not sure if I'm going to do it. What? But I have some free time. I thought about, I looked into becoming an Uber driver. No, why not?

I went down there today. There's comments to it. A lot of comments to it. There was a nice car. There was a line down there today. A line to get in to where? To be an Uber driver. I went, I just, I looked online.

I was like, I don't know if I'm going to do this or not. But I was, someone told me they made a bunch of money. So I went down. It was a parking lot in West LA. And every 30 seconds, three new cars went in. They had five people doing inspections. Really? Making sure you're, making sure your blinkers.

They should be getting the keys and shit. No. What a nice car. BMWs. Well, they have that. Yeah. But they were making sure the blinkers and the horn worked. And they had seatbelts.

And then you went and then they gave you a, because they give you a background check, but they went and they give you some Uber stuff. And I don't know, I might do it if I have some free time. Do it. Why not? Make a couple hundred bucks or a week. And people like, it's dangerous.

You don't know who you're getting your cab with. And you're like, yes, you do know, because you ordered it through the fucking device. It keeps a record of that. You don't know with cabs. Yes, I don't know. If you lose something, you can tell, I know what it was.

You can contact someone. I got to be so fucking bad. You want to go? Yeah, something. Fuck, I'm dancing here. Oh, I thought you were just dancing to be able to dance. God, I mean, obviously the rhythm is in my heart and stuff, but like, it got me for sure.

It was going to get me, and then it got me. Get that to the left. Oh, I'll be right back. These fucking dunts, I love it. I didn't know you had to pee. We're getting fucked, man. How are you? Oh, I know.

But through the sponsors right now, just in case, let's give a shout out to the main people that keep this show motherfucking rocking them. On it, there's not much I could say about these savages. I just went on my alpha brain fucking regimen last week. I had great sets this week. I slept great. I had some lucid dreams, but you know what?

I feel good. I feel energetic. Alpha brain is their flagship, motherfucking is the pork fried rice of this whole operation. If you ain't fucking around with alpha brain and you're messing around with honor, you're fucking slipping. Go to honor.com right now.

See what they got available to you. I'm not bullshitting you. From the strong bone, I give you the same fucking bullshit every week and you sit there and you listen to me. What the fuck is wrong with you? Go to honor right now. Right now. Get the alpha brain.

You don't like it. It's 100% money back guarantee. You don't lose who gots. You don't even have to send it back. That's how fucking much confident they are about their product. But then they don't stop there. Whether it's the shroom tech,

whether it's the fucking new moon, whether it's the 180 turnaround, whether it's the MCT oil, honor does not stop. Go to honor.com right now and press in church and get 10% off. Look at the estate honor program where they send everything directly to your home. All right.

Go to honor.com right now. Start right now. Forget the resolution. Also, my main man Dave Foley over at irondragonmotherfuckingtv.com. The best in classic martial art films, 4K TV. It's a Roku channel and that's what they specialize in.

They add new movies every week. Whether you like the movies that are what's his name did over in China. Jackie Chan. Jackie Chan to their man series. I mean, I tell you every week, do me a favor. Go there. Stop fucking around.

They're free movies. IronDragonTV.com. We're going to give you two movies on the arm for fucking free just to go over them. They got to tell other stuff. They got Joe Rogan training. They got other videos. They got a bunch of other videos.

Go over there right now. You get two free movies for free. Tell them Uncle Joey sent you. We ain't fucking with you. Go to Iron Dragon TV right now. If you don't like classic martial arts, you're thinking about getting hated as you ever see started. You think somebody was scratching their head?

No. Because they watched two Chinese guys fucking in the fucking air. Which strings, they said, maybe we get a fat fucking skinny fuck to do this. Bam, voila. Go to IronDragonTV.com right now. Press it.

Chili. Get two free fucking movies on the arm. Tell them Uncle Joey sent you. Also, my main man over at HittiesSings.com. Throw in heat with the fucking vapor cigar. Whether you want the cigarettes, whether you're quitting real cigarettes, if you want the fucking Hitties cigarettes,

they're the best on the market. Guarantee 1,200 pups per fucking machine here. This is a fucking machine. Check it out. Have a smoke in the same fucking thing. For three weeks, you understand me? Go to HittiesSings.com right now. Press it.

Chili, church. Get 20% off your orders. Get sent right to your fucking house. You don't got to leave the house. You order it today. You'll get like my Thursday or Friday. And let's give a big shout out to my main motherfuckers over there at NailedInLife.com.

Specializing in the vapor pen for you fucking dabbers and waxes and whatever the fuck you're doing. Oil wax. You want to blow yourself up with some real wax? Go to NailedInLife.com. They got what you need. They got the blow torch, the little blow torch, the long spoon to stick the fucking thing in the cannon.

You'll be smoking for weeks. Go to NailedInLife.com. There's specialty vapor pen right now. They're going to give you 20% off. You understand me? Go to the box and press it. Joey Diaz. Oh, shit.

Who's better than you? You got yourself a vapor pen? You got yourself a HittiesSings? You got two free movies? And you got vitamins to keep you out? That's how we roll here at the church. What's happening now, motherfuckers? Get it together.

Sleep and while you're creeping. Hey, what do you think of Jose Aldo fighting that kid? I think Jose Aldo's going to fucking take him and break him and fucking have him. You don't like Conor McGregor? Listen, it's just a roll. He doesn't beat the top level guys yet, though. It's just a rolled up.

He's very good at what he does, but he's just a rolled up jail son. And every time they get in bed with these guys, that goddamn has a little dignity. He's going to have to fight Las Vegas. Instead of in Brazil. Instead of in Brazil. Instead of home court.

Right. You know, that's not fair either. This is about Jose Aldo. So he's the champion. It's his fucking call. But they want to put him in a little arena. But you told me months ago that Ciber wasn't going to be any sort of opponent.

No. Yeah. So then it's like now he suddenly deserves it after fighting the number 10 guy. It's like, come on. He lost his paperwork on a trip from Germany. They love him though. People love him.

Oh, doesn't he see it? No, Conor McGregor. Well, Conor McGregor will love him. People love Cosby too, you know. What are you telling me with that? He just keeps roundhouse kicking over and over again. He's very good. He's very good.

What's he like on the ground? He's 26. That's what we'll see. We don't really know, huh? Nobody knows. If you watch me at USC. Jose Aldo has nine TKOs. I mean, I guess some of them were from

getting on top and stuff and working position. His fucking like cakes. Jose Aldo come at you. This is so good. Listen, if Conor McGregor's not in the gym today, start the training for what the wrath he's gonna go into. And he's also pulling that channel, something where he's picking at the beat.

That was WWE. He knew he was gonna do that. You know why he knew he was gonna do that? Because Daniel's bodyguard was there waiting for him. They knew that was WWE shit. If you're at home going con is so cool. That was all planned. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wasn't you think it was planned? You think it was? Yeah, it wasn't planned in Jose Aldo's world. I don't think Jose Aldo look surprised. Holds it out and lives him up right there. Like he stood up because like I'm not gonna just see down where you're doing. He went there, but he didn't really want to go there.

Oh, half it off, but. Aldo went down. The other guy went there, but he didn't really want to go there. So for you fucking gentown. He was just loud, but he wasn't gonna get it. Yeah, for you gentowns that got impressed. He went through, but he made sure there was 10 people there before he got there.

Yeah, like he jumped over, stopped on the table, and then waited for people to go up, and then he stepped down. Then he stepped in. So for you people who were impressed and jumping up and down, you get your people are fucking overtaken too quickly. I could say you're a fucking bridge. You fucking idiots. What do you think about that?

And here's why else it was planned. Why was Jose Aldo there? They don't, they don't come to all the ones. All the way from Brazil. From Rio de Janeiro where he's drinking. He's drinking coconut juice and getting this. And they haven't come to certain ones, especially with like a new, it's the same weight class.

Well, yeah, they always do that. That's the next fight, but. Yeah. Oh, Jose Aldo. That's it, you're right. They were fucked. You know, now the most interesting thing that you're road kept saying to him,

Jose Aldo, are you ready to make more money now? You're going to fight in the arena. And Dana was like, why is he saying that shit? No, just because we're fighting in the arena, don't get beat. He's getting more money. That means we'll get more fucking paper. You know what I'm saying?

But he fought in the arena in Brazil, didn't he? Was the tickets cheap or something? I don't know. I don't know. That place went crazy. Did you go to that one? The one, when he jumped into the stands. Yeah, that's.

He jumped right by me. Oh my God, dude. He jumped off. He wins. They didn't even wait till a fucking interview or anything. He fucking jumps out, runs, and hugs the fucking broadcasters that he knows, the Brazilian.

And then runs into the stands. Starts hugging all his friends and family and shit. His yardies. That was so, I was fucking crying. Wasn't even high. We didn't even get weed till later. I was crying. It was so nice.

It was such a magical moment. That place was going crazy. I don't know. The only other time it was going that crazy was were you in Columbus when Randy beat Tim Silvia? No. Oh, that was like a, from the first fight of the first night, the very first night of the night, the place was packed.

There was like 10 seats. There was always a good fight place. I don't know what happened. I was there with Anderson for Rich Franklin. Oh, yeah. That's the one we went to for the bodybuilding thing. It's the Arnold Classic. So while the UFC is in town, all these big bodybuilders

are walking around because it's Arnold Classic. I'll be there this week. The Arnold Classic, that's right. I'll be there this week. You're going? Yeah, I'll be in there for a whole week in Columbus. Oh, that's cool. I'm really fucking excited.

I've been there in two years. You know the first time I went there? What, to the funny bone? To the funny bone in Columbus. The first time I went there was with Justin. It was, so last year was 2014. So this was 2013. I think Mercy was just born.

It was the first week of the road after being home for eight weeks or nine weeks without the company still. I had like the ha ha ha and I had like flappers, you know, like shit like that. I went to Columbus, guys. I gotta tell you something. I ate it. Five fucking shows, just bomb really.

Oh, I got labs. But you know those labs you'd get anywhere? It was those labs where it wasn't nothing put together. Like I got shots from doing 15 minutes at flappers to 47 and 48 minutes at Columbus. Thursday night I remember doing okay. But Friday and Saturday I just died of slow death. They didn't bring me back last year.

Oh really? But they renovated the place. But I didn't do that well. In Columbus? So I called them back and told them the truth and they fucking brought me back. He goes, no, I thought that, you know, you're sitting a little rusty, you can tell.

And that's why Lee, we worked hard this fucking off season. Because you gotta, I was home for a few weeks. You know, I did that show Vegas. But 45, you gotta get warmed up. You gotta get warmed up. So I've been warming up the last couple of weeks. It's been fun at the Combi store lately. Really, it's bringing me back.

I feel people. It's great to be up there. There's a certain freedom at the Combi store. You can go off, you can do whatever the fuck you want. And here's how it is. Let's say you go to the YMCA every day. And you go to Ari's house and you lift weights. And every day you lift weights with Ari at the YMCA.

You push about two and a quarter, four sets of 10. For some reason, when you go to the Combi store, you can push 265. Yeah, it's one of those kind of gyms. It's one of those type of places. I used to not like 15 minute sets as a viewer. Too short? Yeah, because I used to like longer. I used to only prefer like the hour long sets.

Yeah, and the alt-weather is sevens and eights. But then going with Joey to the commercial the last few months, it's crazy to see how good he's gotten. But then when you're really good and anybody who's really good, it's crazy to be a pilot. I don't think you could hold that for 15, for like 60 minutes. But for 15 minutes, you could like handle it. What's a different?

Yeah, it's a different. You don't have to stop. I know, I got 18 minutes. I know I could condense 32 minutes into 18 minutes, which means danger. And just killing non-stop. You're just gonna have little sentences out of them. And they're gonna suck each one up. But there's no setup.

There's no putt. You know, I can eliminate everything. I'll eliminate the segue if you let me. I just say putt slides like a motherfucker. And say it my way, you know. Because as a consumer- Shhh! Maya!

Asuka! This was a special podcast. You got a furt, a fart, and a burp. A furt, a furt. You got a fart and a burp. We got to get the fuck out of here, guys. Are we should fear? So you're at the Denver Comedy Works next week.

The Denver Comedy Works. And then where else in February? The New Downtown Parlor. In Seattle, where else? In Seattle. Bray, Portland. So you're in Portland in February? I think we're March.

Where are you in February, Cocksucker? Parlor and- And Bray. Two weeks. Two weeks? Yeah, where are you the next two weeks? Oh, Denver. Oh, right, this weekend?

Subo- Weekend. Subo- Weekend. Subo- Weekend. Then two weeks after that. Seattle. Okay. That might be until the very end of February. Yeah, you're like me.

You're just going on very limited with the time you're here. Yeah. We're trying to put it together right here during the pilot season. Yeah, Portland. Bray is like in town-ish, you know. Bray is good. Michael is San Diego, maybe. I don't know.

Go to the quick store. We'll figure it out and get back to us. All right, Cocksuck. Suka. Ah, Suka. I love you, Cocksuck, because I'm going to be in Buffalo this weekend. And next week I'll be at the Columbus Motherfucking Funny Bone. And that's it, guys.

Thank you very much. Happy Montlutin, King Day to all the black people out there. We got to end this with some fucking black music. Yeah. What do you think, guys? Sam Cooke. No, no, no, no. Let's do something.

Let's do a little Michael Jackson. Oh, yeah. Remember the time, Michael Jackson. In honor of being overcome by Bill Cosby on the- We don't want to believe it, Thor. Thank you, Ryan, for coming on tonight. Yeah, man, this is a lot of fun. Congratulations on all your success.

I'm telling you. Thanks. We watched at the comedy store. Everybody's in the patio at the comedy store. Yeah, I watched on the way out. I just couldn't get in there. So I just- Yeah.

And I got it at the house. Being the wife. I watched it last night for a little while. I loved the piano thing. I really- Fucking around, Jeff. That's what I wanted to show. Just like a regular set at the award.

That's fucked around the crown a little. Yeah, the stuff with Jeff. Was it cool seeing it on TV? Like, seeing your name on TV guy? That has to be kind of cool. That was all right. That was okay. I liked seeing it at the store.

Watching like, on the fucking, you know- Like, you don't have a DVR. You don't have a DVR. Right, the same room. Yeah, I don't have a DVR. If I went to my DVR. I got it on my DVR. It looks very nice.

Yeah, but if you had like the Joe EDS special and you're just scrolling through it, it's next to like, that'd be kind of cool. Very nice. All right, all right, all right. Here's your own thing. All right, close the show. Cock-side.

What are we closing with? Oh yeah, okay. That was a catch. Des Bryant. That was a catch. I think so too. Everybody knows that was a catch. Great Seattle game though.

Let's be honest. That was classic. Okay, end your show. I'm sorry. Go to iron.com and use co-work church to get 10% off of your order. Go to hitesix.com. Better tasting, longer lasting.

The proof isn't the vape. Use co-work Joey's church to get 20% off. Go to iron dragon TV and use co-work Joey. Get two free rentals and go to nift.com. Use co-work Joey to get 20% off the premiere rate. Preparant on the market. You guys are crazy. Do you remember when we fell in love?

We were young and innocent then. Do you remember how it all began? It just seemed like heaven so I did. Do you remember back in the fall? I forget you again, I forget you wrong. You're no longer mine. Do you remember how it all began? I just hold your hand.

I just remember, please jump up in cause I'm left with you straight. I forget you again. Do you remember the time when we fell in love? Do you remember the time when we first met? Do you remember the time when we fell in love? Do you remember the time when we first met? Do you remember how we used to talk? No, we'd stay on the phone at night till dawn.

Do you remember all the things we said? I love you so I'll never let you go. Do you remember back in the spring? I forget you again, I forget you wrong. Every morning birds would sing. I forget you again, I forget you wrong. Do you remember those little times? I just remember, just go on and on in the back of my mind.

Do you remember the time when we fell in love? Do you remember the time when we first met? Do you remember the time when we fell in love? Do you remember the time when we first met? Oh sweet memories, always be dear to me. Remember, no matter what we said. I remember, forget what we did. No, baby.

Do you remember the time when we first met? Do you remember the time when we first met? Do you remember the time when we first met? Do you remember the time when we first met? Do you remember the time when we first met? Do you remember the time? Do you remember the time when we first met? Do you remember the time when we first met?

Do you remember the time when we first met? Do you remember the time when we first met? Do you remember the time when we first met? Remember the time Remember the time Do, do, remember the time Remember the time On the phone, you and me

Remember the time You and me, what about it? Remember the time Do it, do it, do it Remember the time In the bar, on the beach Remember the time In the 칭

fuck... back Remember the time In the bar I know Do, do, do it Remember the time Do, do, remember the time

Remember the time Remember the time