Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #250 - Mick Betancourt, Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: January 22, 2015

Mick Betancourt, Comedian, TV Producer and Writer, joins  Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Nature Box. Visit Naturebox.com and use promo code Joey for a free trial box Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/joey for 20% off. Iron Dragon TV. A New Roku channel with all the best martial arts films. Use Code word joey for two free rentals. Recorded live on 01/20/2015.Music:Starin' Through My Rearview - Tupac Ft. Phil CollinsThe Immigrant Song - Led Zeppelin

This show is sponsored by NatureBox. NatureBox ships great tasting healthy snacks right to your door. Forget the vending machine and start snacking smarter with healthy and delicious treats like dark cocoa almonds. Support this podcast by ordering a free NatureBox sampler box at naturebox.com slash joey. That's right, free NatureBox snacks are found at naturebox.com slash joey. They give you five bags, four small ones, one big one, and they don't even charge you for shipping. It's a great deal. Check them out. Also, this podcast is brought to you by meatundies.com. Go to meatundies.com and check out the picks of all the different styles and underwear they have, and for all the ladies out there, they have hot looking boy shorts. Go to meatundies.com slash

joey, and on your first order, you're going to get 20% off, and they're even offering you free shipping in the United States and Canada. You having fun, Joey? So meatundies.com slash joey, go to onit.com, use code word church to get 10% off of all their optimization products, like Apple brand new mood, TrumTech immune, TrumTech sport, code word church, and go to irondragontv.com and use code word joey to get two free rentals of all the great martial arts movies. It's a brand new Roku channel. What? I'm not even high yet. What? How the fuck can you not be high? Well, usually the ending ads are really bad because pretty much it's two hours into a crazy animal. It's all iron dragon tv, code word joey.

Oh, shit. This is my grandmother's favorite song. Oh, shit. The Phil Collins? No, the Tupac. She used to breastfeed me to this every night when I was 13. Oh, shit. It's the jerk, bitches. January 20th. Nine more days will be my 35th anniversary. I get my first felony. Hit it. See when I see me. You were 17? I don't know. What? And let me spark it for you. Oh, shit. The church, bitches. January 20th, the day the devil was buried in sea. They burned his nutsack and they made him fucking drink, come, come juice. That's the come after the come. You fucking put it in the freezer. You save it. You ice cube it.

You make the bitch eat it in the corner with handcuffs. You ever made those? You put a bitch in the corner with handcuffs. You wipe off in the ice tray and you put in the fucking freezer for a couple hours and it gets all fucked up. And then you What's happening? The beautiful motherfucker is the church. And what's happening now? McBencourt, guest of the fucking evening this evening. Lee Syac, the flying Jew. What other of you bad motherfucker in the red shirt? What's that? Oh my god. I couldn't sleep last night. I got fucked up. That star of debt was on fire last night, though. Yeah, I was. I ate three of those motherfuckers. I have no idea how you did that.

I had a candy and then I went home and started smoking hash out of a fucking pipe. By eight o'clock, I think by seven thirty, my head was fucking spinning, right? I was falling asleep on a chair. So my wife put a pillow and a blanket on top. I mean, the baby came home and ripped the blanket off and ripped the pillow off. Like, wake up, you're fucked. No sleep in the living room. Seriously. Today she hid my keys. I couldn't really go to jujitsu today. My car keys were missing. I couldn't fucking find them. My wife figured out that your keys are like, he always leaves with these. My wife found them in the fucking grill under the oven. No. God, I had no car till fucking three o'clock. I walked to the park and I walked with two thirty five pound kettlebells like a

jerk off to the park. I'm gonna be sore as fuck tomorrow. I'm fire. She hid the fucking keys on me today. So yeah, you know, it was one of those days. What's up with you, baby? Well, you I was up at six a.m. I was fucked up. And you called me and you tried to convince me to go to Denny's to get milkshakes at six a.m. Fuck. Yeah, it's five. Did you been to bed yet or no? Yeah, I slept like a sabbath. That's the least that you performed on these edibles. You sleep like a motherfucker. Something about him yesterday that woke me up though at three a.m. Yeah, he was still high as fuck. You know, it's called hunger. That's what woke you up. Pretty much. You told me yourself you woke up 19 fucking wheat waffles. Four waffles. Four waffles. Four full-size waffles? No, the eggos.

And with sugarless fucking maple syrup. Sugar free syrup. I told him to cut my eyeballs out. At three in the morning? At three in the morning. He was drinking it like a fucking thing of water, the spring water. He was drinking that maple syrup. Look at you. I called him up and I'm like, come on, take it down. He's picked me up. Let's go get a milkshake and a grand slam. Well, you didn't open with that. What were we going to do first? We're going to smoke a fucking hash joint. We're going to smoke some refills. Well, it was still high. You know, they want the Denny's fucking sober. The only way to go is that they charge you double. Yeah, you don't go to Denny's sober. That's the fucking Gentiles. You go to Denny's, you go fucked up. You don't remember. But the

other fucked up thing about you, Joey, is like, I would have gotten ready a year or two ago and like been in my car and he would have called me and be like, don't worry about it, dog. No, I was I ended up eating Cheerios. It's giving me like a fucking half a face. You put anything on the Cheerios or no? No, really? Just dry? Not even a little sprinkles? Whatever that shit is. No, no, you can't put the sugar in the morning. The rest of the day, I want fucking popcorn and lollipops and shit. Yeah, I got to watch. That's the first thing to go. If you fuck around breakfast, you fuck around sugar in the morning, you're fucked. So you could eat sugar like a two or something just to give you a little boost and a protein shake.

I put a little sugar on a protein shake. Really? Why not? You're supposed to little salt, little fucking. Wow. You season your protein shakes? You got to dope them up sometimes. You know what I'm saying? You got to dope everything up. You can't eat like that out of a can. You know, progressos, not a bad clam char. You got to dope it up. Campbell, not a bad clam char. You got to dope it up. I think that's your favorite thing. Even back to Mad Flavor's world, you were doping up steaks. He took me to 7-Eleven and taught me how to dope up their Italian so. Sure. What you put on there? Listen, you take that Italian sub that looks fucking. One thing about subway that this fucking guy and nobody believes me is that all their cold cuts, all their cold cuts are made

from turkey products. So when you get the pastrami, you're really eating the fucking turkeys liver. It's like, yeah, it's gel. It's gel and it looks like pastrami. So but 7-Eleven, go in there and get the Italian early in the morning. You take that Italian, you take it home, you take that fucking terrorist lettuce they put on it and that tomato that you take it off and you put the oven on, bro, and you put that oven on. You put that sandwich in the top, you take it out, you put fresh lettuce, vinegar and salt and pepper, a little oregano and a motherfucking crushed red pepper. You got yourself a tremendous Italian sandwich and it's not bad. I did it one time about a year and a half ago because somebody told me on the East Coast, you go to 7-Eleven and they go,

not the hot dogs are shipped. If you're in a bind, I was doing a play and I was in a bind one then. I said, let me see if it's true. I got the chicken salad on wheat bread. I didn't shit blood. You know, I didn't get perp blood. I mean, if you get egg salad, you deserve to be shot. Oh, forget it. Yeah. You know, if you get egg salad, sushi. Yeah, sushi at 7-Eleven. You're gonna be fucking, you're gonna end up in a hot, I know this fucking guy got sushi from 7-Eleven. No, I didn't. There's a sushi place where I live on Noro Canyon. I went there one of the 7-12. Yeah, and he was sick of his house. He wants to blame on the Adam. You know the brownies you gave your, your family member? No, no, no. I gave him different ones. No. He gave, he took home Marie,

he took home anti Dolores stuff. I gave him anti Dolores. It's same strength. No, I gave you kryptonite. That was wrath. Yeah. And he gave it, he gave me a full one and I had never had him before. I went home and had sushi and I was on the couch for like three hours and I finally made it to the bedroom, but I flipped over and I felt, I felt nauseous. I puked on my bed right next to it. Like I took all my concentration not to puke on the bed. I puked right next to it. But I couldn't even make it to the bathroom. He's made me puke. He's made me puke three times. Then he has to go to the dentist. No, it wasn't 7-Eleven. Listen, I smoked a joint. This is 7-12. Then I drank a gallon of gasoline and that fucking joint made me sick.

This guy will go into those McNation joints where they're Korean, but they're really making sushi. No, I won't get sushi at Korean places. Yes, you do. I know you do. I got, I got, I went to a Korean place to get dumplings and he got mad. No, I didn't get it. What's wrong with dumplings? Everyone makes dumplings. You're just gonna go to war against them with the fucking movie and you're going to a Korean place. This is what I'm talking about. He don't think with his fucking head. He'll go to like a Japanese place and get like Korean food. He does everything backwards. He's gonna get sick one of these days and he eats hummus and shit out. These terrorist places. These Baba Kanush and all that shit. Wait till he's

shit in blood. I can't wait till he calls me up from the hospital one day. My liver blew up. The seafood's the shit you got to worry about completely, man, especially from 7. When I was driving trucks back in Chicago, my breakfast in the morning was two chili cheese dogs, a large bag of Doritos and one of those triple gulps. Whatever the biggest gulp was, full of Mountain Dew with two packs of Marlboro Reds. Like I'm just a fucking caveman. Because when you smoke a Marlboro Red, it's seven in the morning. Yeah, in between chili dogs, Doritos and Mountain Dew, and I'm coming in at a sweet sexy 242. I'm in a box truck, so all the smoke's just, there's no filtration of the smoke. Just reek. Tremendous.

Everything smells even in nut sack. It goes right through the fucking jeans. Showing up to someone's house. Hey, I got to bring this inside. When I used to work, what's that club on the south side, the one that I went to? KJ Riddles. When I used to work Riddles, they used to put me at a hotel that there was one of those Japanvilles next to it, like sushi, senmai. Oh, like a Benihana? Like a Benihana, and they had sushi. And I would go with it. Why is it called Japanville? Because this is one Asian restaurant? Yeah, it was like Japanville. It was just a little thing. And it wasn't bad, but I always get the

white tuna, and I get sick of the dog. Really? And the guy would say to me, I don't feel good. And he goes, what did you eat? I go, I went to that sushi place. I had the chicken teriyaki, but I had a couple rolls of sushi. He's like, let me answer something. Show me the ocean. Why are you eating that shit? I thought about him. No, he's right. White tuna. Saw whitefish out of the lake. The fucking, yeah. It's right fish out of the lake. That shit in Arizona and Tempe at the Improv. Everybody, we used to get sick upstairs. Yeah. The oil, you could eat sushi. Everybody got sick eating that shit. You get sick on sushi. It's one of the worst

six you will ever be. And you were lucky. You just ate that bad shit like a day old. It wasn't apps. After a while, they had in the back next to the dogs and shit. You know what I'm saying? They got confused. Maybe they gave you a piece of dog and told you it was eel. I don't get eel. I get tuna. Same difference. I mean, you don't know. You don't know what to fuck your eat when you go to a sushi place. Unless you're a fisherman, you don't fucking know what you're eating at a sushi place. You order and they tell you whatever. They can tell you whatever. You know it's that imitation crab meat rolled up in the California roll. They cut it. And they put mayo in them out here. It's gross. His coast is just crab. They put mayo in it.

They make their crab salad. It's disgusting. Yeah. I think it's the same thing with wine, too, when people are like, oh, you can taste the tannins and the hint of oak. I hear the best wine is Trader Joe's two dollar wine. Yeah. Two buck Chuck, man. Get it. Get it. Get down on it. That whole wine thing. It's bullshit. Drives me crazy since I was a kid. You mean you don't have a favorite Slur Joe? No. No, Peter Noir guy. I hate people get the glasses. I think I get the glasses for everything. Yeah. When I was a kid, I used to go to these guys now. He was a great kid. I loved them with all my heart. I still talked to them. But whenever girls came over, he'd always ask them,

do you want wine? And I would sit there and I'd be seething. I just give them the fucking Budweiser. Let's go. What the fuck? We're all going for the same result here. 4 a.m. You rip the bossa Franzi open. You get the silver aluminum foil and you squeeze the wine out. He used to get come down with the wine glasses. I wanted to break them over his fucking head. Like when I see somebody drinking wine out of a wine glass, I really want to break it over the head, not in the restaurant. You got to do the pinky up. That whole thing drives me. You don't have like a whiskey glass at home. No, the thing you said you got to look at the waiter not doing like this is okay. It's all such a shitty dog and pony show. When I was a waiter, they would have people come in and

teach classes. So we would sound like we knew what we were talking about. But we'd always just pick like a medium price to what not to pick the most expensive one, not the cheapest one and just say that was the best and tag an extra fin on it. Yeah, market price next to a white it out. These motherfuckers don't know nothing today. You know, your menu space, you just tell the guy, I want them to use this menu, just keep fucking working. You put like a market like a deck of cards. And then they you put market price on the wines, you just go to like a 445 while you're eating. And that's your menu, Lisa. Yeah, you make four of them ready just in case you get a table of four. Little MP. I miss being a server sometimes. Sure you do. What do you miss about? It was great money,

especially I was in, I mean, I went home one Christmas break and I worked and I made two grand in like a week and a half and I was like 20, 21. I worked at legal seafoods. I don't know if you've been back to Boston. It's like a not a not a cheap seafood place, but not like $200 a plate either. So like a kick up from Red Lobster? A couple kicks couple kicks up. It's pretty good. It's pretty good. It's a East Coast change. I wasn't there. No, but it was my favorite on a ham shell, muscle, but I hate lobster. And I would always say whenever anyone would come in, what should I get? Lobster because it's fucking expensive. You hate lobster. I I haven't tried it in years. Maybe if I tried it again, I'd like it. How did you eat it?

They always just steam it with butter. That's all you like. You like fucking butter. I mean, but I didn't like butter dip it in John butter. No, I've done it. And it's about lobster. Those new things they got in those trucks, the lobster rolls. Oh, delicious. Toasted bread, a nice roll. 13 bucks for like fucking two ounces. You get a colder hot because they get you can get hot lobster. I like them both mayonnaise. Yeah, yeah. Nice little fucking celery in it. Nice little lobster roll. Yeah. Fucking tremendous in that little rope. There's one guy the lobster truck. I think it's called there's a lobster truck, right? And they're from Boston. Then there's another one that I had the Cajun food. Oh, that guy and he stands out. Take a sample. Take a sample.

That guy's I just got the black beans and rice and red beans and rice. There's one that you'd hate. And it's disgusting. Which one? Sushi burritos. Oh, they make a burrito size. It's disgusting. What? It's called like Jogasashi or something. Jogasaki. Some of this shit is not necessary. Why would you do that? It's gross. It's like a tri-dunkin. I gotta put a turkey in a dunkin and a fucking duck. And I can never figure that out. That's like my Rubik's Cube. Chicken duck turkey. I sit there at two in the morning and go, who the fuck would shove a duck up a fucking turkey's ass? And now they're really going crazy. They're shoving snakes inside a duck inside a dog inside a turkey inside a fucking hippopotamus. When I told you that my girlfriend got a dog,

you said I should have her just take the dog to like Panda Express for 10 bucks. Every time I would bring it up, I'd be like, what is she gonna take that dog to Panda Express? I'd trade it in for a number four. On a Thursday, they'll give you fucking eight, nine bucks for a fucking dog. Right there, always walk. You can bring them to the back, just bang on the door and tie them around the thing. You gotta pop the tires of the delivery truck. Truck didn't make it this week. I robbed a Chinese delivery guy once, like in 1985. We were hanging out at 88 Street Park and some guy pulls our six. Excuse me. Oh no. Why would he do that? Mistake number one. Why? You know where whatever is and like what? Yeah, down the corner and we made him stop. And when he was

looking, it was one of those places where he had to walk in and look deep. Yeah, yeah. And like 13. Oh, you told me this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we got in this car and we started fucking delivering some of the Chinese food. That's where it got fucking crazy. But you made his runs? We delivered like three stops. We took the rest of Chinese food and ate it and just left the car parked on like 64th Street Field. Why would you deliver the food? $150. Oh, the paying cash. You're fucking 18, you know? Yeah. $150, $150. It's like $10 grand. No, they didn't pay in cash. We told them to pay cash. And what did he do with the car? We dropped it off. We know everybody enough. Very horrible mistake. Horrible mistake. It's like walking up into a dark park like four guys on

a bench going, Hey guys, anybody got changed for a hundred? What are you doing? There's a register in the park in the middle. There's a guy who changed. What are you doing? He's in the alley. You go follow. Where are you? A Chinese delivery guy for a while? I was a Chinese delivery guy in Boulder, Colorado. I worked at that restaurant in Boulder. It's a Chinese place. They were Vietnamese. They were Vietnamese. They pissed me off when I found out. They lied to me the whole time. I was accustomed for three years. And at that time I was already in, but it was when I was really fucking like in bad shape. I had the apartment. I was divorced and they would deliver Wednesday. I would get the kid. I would get my daughter and they'd deliver the Chinese food. And one day

they showed up and I looked at the guy and I go, Hey man, I don't have the money. He goes, just come by later. Talk to us. That's how cool he was. Wow. That's a square move, man. He left the square move, man. He was embarrassed I was. And he goes, listen, man, you've been eating with us for years. Anytime you want to order, put it on the tab. Wow. And then I fucking, it was 95 to be exact. The year that the Houston Rockets won the series, they were gambling motherfuckers. These Chinaman, these Vietnamese were gambling. We taking the reaction. No, I went in there one day and they're like, Hey, we part of the pool. You win the pool. You got here. You hit the number. I won. And they were like laughing at me. We got this guy. You got used to rocket. You got used

to rocket. I came to the team and I kept going in and they kept winning and winning and winning. No shit. And finally they won. I think I won 500 bucks. I, but I used to deliver Chinese food and sell Coke. So that was my cover. I used to work for a sports betting service from August to February 1st. Once February 1st came, you want to employ it. It was fucking pulling teeth. Yeah. No one's betting baseball. He would bet. He would pay you six, seven hundred, but you just made calls for eight hours a day to people. Oh, you had to hustle the phones. You had to just basketball and hockey until you have to football. It's pro basketball and baseball hasn't started. March is good because of March madness. March, you still have a little bit of

life, but once, I mean, once football tapers off, it's 50% of your business. Yeah. So if you were making 10,000 a week, you don't make five now and it's a basketball. So you have a good March. Once college basketball is over, you got baseball and pro basketball that takes you till June. But those summer months, he would pay 300 a week and say, come in. It's one to three in the summer, like one to four, one to five Wednesdays and Thursdays off or some Tuesdays and Wednesdays off. But in the winter, you work six days a week and you had Wednesdays off. I had to do everything on Wednesday. You have no idea what life you know. But dog, you know, in your season, you were supposed to put money away and then they would send you checks. Like the guy had it down. He had

the business down. He didn't want none of his people out there starving. So you go looking during the year, you're making 10 grand a week, put two away. So in June, you got money. You put it in a trust account that he'd get for you the shit that they mail you the money every week. I didn't do that. I took it now. I took the big lump sum. I had this dealer. His name was Vince Wilson. I loved him with all my heart. He would deliver it to me. You know those guys that you owe him? Like I would call him and he'd go, you got my money. Yeah, come on. And he'd get there and he'd go, let me see how much you got Vince. I go, no, no, no. You told me. You told me, dog. What do I owe you? 1,400. I had him up to like 2,200 at one time. And he would still give it

to me on a Friday night. If I gave him like 100 bucks. Were you getting a ball? I was getting a ball every time I seen him. Every time. Wow. And what was, what would you say? It's 95. So what was at about 200? Wow. 75. I saw my LA drug dealer Friday night at the Comedy Store. No shit. Well, there was, there's a manager at the Comedy Store, there's a Coke Fiend. And I introduced him to him. And I go into there and I give the manager a hug. He goes, your buddy's on his way here. I go, who he goes, your buddy, D-man. I go, come on. And he's still in the game, huh? Still in the fucking game seven years later. Wow. That's a long run, man. If you're selling. He's a professional. He's a professional.

I know somebody who lives on his block. Okay. I know somebody who's lived on his block, Einstein. Oh, wow. Still in the same spot. Still in the same spot. How many people you think think about it? He's been tried to fucking jack him. He's been at that place for 10 years. No shit. It's a bad mistake. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. Like, boy, if you go to that boy's house, you're going to get a cold awake. What does he have? Just a ton of guns? But you know what, I mean, you never... Bad to the bone and bigger than he's ever been. He would have been playing pro football now. They shot him in the legs twice. Yeah. You're messing with the wrong guy. How I became friends with that whole group of them was I used to deal with this dude,

White Lightning. He was Jewish. He thought he was a gangster. He ran reggae night at one of those clubs on Melrose. And he thought he was like a Jewish gangster, like a Jew star with diamonds. And he had a black girlfriend, but she was sucking everybody's dick. He was just a rich white guy. He didn't fucking know. He used to have weed in the building. I asked Josh Wolfe about this. He used to live in the building, but he was sold big amounts of weed. But he was too scared to sell it. Like, he always got robbed. And he would hide it in the garage. I wonder who did that. He would hide it in the garage and he would hide it. This chick's apartment. I don't know if your story was, but I always robbed him. Yeah. Oh, I always got this fucking guy.

And he used to hide it in this chick's apartment that had no chin. You ever see those women? And there's something she got operated. She just had no chin, but she had the biggest tits and she sucked the best dick in North America when you gave her three lines of blow. So you go over there, let her suck your dick. And she was lonely. She said, you want to smoke weed? And then after she smoked, you'd say, this weed is great. She'd go, don't say nothing. But this is blah, blah, blah's weed. And you go, he should go, I got three pounds in the back. No. Really? Can you wait here? I'm going to go take a shower. Okay. I'd rob that bitch boy. He wants you to take a shower. Get the fuck out of here.

What happened when your eyes like, when you saw someone you could take with like your eyes? Oh my God. This is like 97, 98. And we kept robbing that fuck. LA, when I moved here and you hear the game out here, you're like, what? Your head can't get around when someone's like, I'm a drug dealer. And they'd say it out loud to you and you know them for five minutes. You're like, you're not a fucking drug dealer. There's not a drug dealer on the planet that I know that would tell someone in the first five minutes of meeting them that they're a fucking dealer. It's just, you're just begging to get arrested or crude up on. It's crazy. You know, I used to, my prey was drug dealers from 81 to like 85. I mean, I went to prison

for kidnapping in New York, right? I went to prison in Boulder, but my main prey was drug dealers. And we'd be cool. And then once they tell me, I can't front you if they did anything I didn't like, that was it. If Lee came to me and said, I went to mick the other night, he wouldn't front me a fucking ounce of coke at two in the morning. That's it. We're gonna rob him. And I would just work you. I would just work you, work you, work you. What are you doing? I'm going to the city. Boom. That means I got two hours in your apartment. You're gone unless you're taking the fucking, that was my prey for years. And I gotta tell you something today, I still don't feel guilty about it. Like I feel guilty about the people I robbed, the drug dealers. You know, I met people. Let me

tell you what the best thing that happened to LA was that by the time I got to LA, I didn't want to do nothing else. Like I was already a comedian. Like the comedy had won. The comedy had won. But there was a time in my life where I'd be broke at nine in the morning and by 11, God would put somebody in my life to rob. And the God would walk up to me like I had people come, you know, these are the guys that came up to me and go, man, I got $3,000. I'm looking to buy an ounce and a half of coke. What? Where's the money in my house? Okay, I got a guy. I would fucking work it. And if you push a little bit, you know, the guy's going to be cautious. Like I would push, give me the money. I'll go get it. Oh, no, I got to go with you. Now you're fucking late. But there were

guys that would say, I'll give you the money. Oh, really? I'm going to come back in an hour. What if you were saw them again? You wouldn't see them. You wouldn't see them because right by the time I took the mix, 5,000, I let's say the flight to fucking Albuquerque was at 455. I'd meet, make it three. So I went right from mixed house to the airport with mixed money. And I'd fly to like a small destination. And I'd chill for three weeks and live like a doctor. Get my dick sucks, my weeds, my coke. Really? Did you have a connect in the spot you were flying to? Yeah. And by the time I got back, my friends would cool it. And then he would show up to guy and I go, you're not going to believe what happened. We got fucking robbed. The cops were

there. The fed showed up. They wanted your name. I want my money. They wanted your name. I didn't say anything. Fuck you. You're going to ask me for fucking money. You motherfucker. I hate you with this fucking. No, no, we were just kidding. All right, we lost the 5,000. It was fucking amazingly. Do you have the plane ticket already? Or do you just go to the airport? I had another dime in my pocket and thought I got his five grand. So you just go to the airport and be like, when's the soonest flight to us? No, did you not know I already had it planned out? If the flight was at 455, what time I got to be there? 355. I would meet him in Hollywood at fucking three and you would be driving. I'd be packed. The luggage would be in your car. When he gave me money, I was going

straight to the fucking airport, Lee. There was no stop. There was no, I got to get flowers. Nothing. The airport. I give a guy like you 400. You say something, I'll kill you. Okay. I'll break your fucking head. You don't know nothing. You don't know nothing. I'm going to give you 400 and I'm going to keep in touch with you. I'm going to call you every fucking day. I want you at that bar and every time he comes in, I want you to fucking tell me what he says. And that's it. And this guy would be at the bar. And what happened? They fucking arrested me. They took me to some jail. I couldn't even tell. Show me the paperwork. What fucking paper? I don't want to show you shit, motherfucker. Oh, you greased the guy that you know he's going to talk to and say,

I don't know. The cops came in. Yeah, like I have you saying they look for him. I'm saying, Joey got busted. Yeah, you tell him. So he called my mother's house. I didn't even talk to him. He called my mother's house, you know, I had, we had a down pat. You were gone. It was gone. How often when you do this, every two weeks, every 10 days, every time a pigeon came along, I took a guy in Boulder that wanted to join the mafia. I got him for like $3,000. He came to me one day. Mick, who comes to you? You're sitting there scratching your head going, man, I could use a thousand bucks. And all of a sudden this kid come up to me and says, I gotta tell you something. I always want to be in the mafia. Do you know anybody in Brooklyn? I'm like,

I know a couple people. I don't know anybody in Brooklyn. I don't know anybody. This was 1991. Last time I told somebody in Brooklyn was 83. This guy, you know anybody in Brooklyn, I don't know a lot of people. What do you want to do? I want to join the mob. Let me make, and I would work him. I wouldn't go right for the money. I'd say, let me call the guy. I know. You got money. It's going to cost you. Like there's a membership fee. Yeah, there's a membership fee. I'm going to call you. And the guy would look at me and go, are you serious? Put your money away. I'm not going to ask you what you got. I'd work the guy. That was the other thing. It's like a long con. It was, yeah, you have to do long cons. It's a, you're not going to meet a drug deal. He's going to let

you in. You're going to introduce me. You're going to get a real guy's not going to let you in. I'm going to fucking square for sure. This is a month. So I'm working people month. I got three guys working at once. How do you keep all the stories straight? I'm just waiting for the opening. You tell all three of them the same story. So I got you, you keep coming, get me some good coke. We're at a bar one night and you go, Coco here. I'm like, oh, fuck that shit's good. Where'd you get that? Something like, I ain't no open studio city. Okay. The next night you come back. Look what he got. He's got rocks. He's got powder. Now I start working here. I buy a gram, two grams, an eight ball, an ounce. I take you out of your comfort zone. You've been buying grams.

Even he's going to go, where you getting this money? My friend Coco, bro, he loves this shit. In fact, he wants to buy four ounces. That's how I get him. You'd be the middleman. Go to him and get the four ounces, but I want to meet him. Four ounce deal would go as planned. Sweden and shit. Mick loves Coco. Mick loves Coco. You're out of the picture. You're gone. I'll give you a taste. I'm not going to rob you, but I don't need you. I'm going to deal with directly with him. And I would work him for a month. If I told him, Mick, let me get four ounces of coke. I'll be back at nine. I'd be there at eight 45 with his money and a milkshake from fucking Carvel. I let the guy rest and then one night without even thinking, let me get four ounces. And while

I was there, my page would go off. I don't really, you don't really see me. So as I get in there, make my page go up. Oh, shit. Can I use your phone? Yeah. Yeah. And will you just be telling me about the weather? Yeah. Let's Sony. Okay. Mick, fuck, how are we going to do this? This, I guess I got another call for a guy. He wants a half a pound. You got that on you? Yeah, but I'm a meeting cash. You got more money than God. What does he want to pay? What do you want? I want 14. I told him 18. We're both going to split the money. Now I got him. I'm in his greed now. All right. Let me do this. Let me drop this four off and I'll come back and pick up the eight. What's he going to say? It's Saturday night. He's getting his dick sucked. No, no, no, no, no, no,

don't come back. I'll give you the eight and the four go and come back later on. I'll meet you later. My mother's at two. He just, I just caught him at his weakest moment because I played him. I've been playing him for a month. I've been giving him his money. Now in front of him, my pager goes off. He knows I'm doubling up. He knows I'm selling a quarter pound of coke a day. Now I just got a call for three of them. You know what, Mick? Here's the money for the quarter pound. Let me, here's money for two ounces. Let me get six on the cuff. I still got them for six. That's $12,000 plus the, that's, that's, that's without even me making a profit. He's looking for 12. I'm going to make fucking 22. I'm going to go make 10 because I'm selling it for

wholesale. I don't give a fuck. You got to flip it at about two hours. I don't give a fuck. I don't really give a fuck because it's not mine. How easy to sell coke. If I call you and say I got two ounces of coke at 18 per, that's 3600. But tonight, tonight alone from eight to 10, Uncle Joe is doing the sale for two grand flat. I'll move that in 15 fucking minutes. Wow. Because it's, it's 56 grams. It's all profit for you. It's all profit for me. I don't give a fuck. It's like when I, when you come to me with a store, I got a stolen credit card. I come to you and I go, yeah, what do you want the iMac? Yeah, how much is it? 1900. I'm going to come to the house at eight o'clock. I want a thousand dollars for the iMac. You're not going to get that nowhere else. It's 1800 plus tax,

plus the 250 from Apple for the Stamina fee for a thousand dollars. You're going to give me and you'll get it. Right. You'll get it. That's a deal. You're not going to get that on Amazon. I'll wait for black Friday. You're not going to get that money. I just gave you a deal below fucking way below cost. Could you sell it and like, let's say you went to a place, a new town, could you find people to sell to or it was only like your friends? I could sell it to my friends, but that's who I, where I made the move. I dumped a coke on the way out of town. I dumped, I would, let's say you're the buyer. You sold it before you got it. Right. I sold it before I got it. I'm never going to get stuck with it. You already have your cash. Yeah. I already

told you I'm coming over with six ounces at 2000 an ounce. That's 12,000, but you're going to give me fucking 7,500 cash to that. And I'm going to give you clean cocaine. No cut. No, no, no, not going to make your nose peel. Nothing. All right. You're going to fucking get it. You're going to cut that and you're going to sell that. I'm moving that right out of town. When I, even when I was a regular drug dealer and I played Danny B, you know, Danny B, who calls you, I used to get drugs from him. I get a cord. Let's say I get a quarter kilo from him. That's 10 ounces. Right. Let's say 10 and a half ounces. I get 10 and a half ounces for those days for 6,500 bucks. All right. My goal was to make a profit because I'm a coke fiend. So I would make

sure before I got on that plane to pick it up, I already had $10,000 worth of cash sold. So when I got off the plane, I already had $3,500 worth of profit. I'm picking up six ounces, but I'm selling three right off the bat. I'm selling four right off the bat at 18 a grand or whatever. You follow me? You see how this, if I'm a coke dealer, I don't want to buy a kilo to put a kilo in my house. I'm buying a kilo. So you don't want to figure it out. I don't want to figure it out. You don't want to have a kilo of cocaine and you got to figure it out. When I go to mixed house, I'm going with five ounces of cut in the bag. He's going to give me the coke. I'm going to open it. I'm going to throw my cut. I'm going to take an ounce of purin. I'm going to throw four in. I'm going to shake

it up real good and crunch it up and bring that to your house. I'm going to do the cut right on the way to your house. This is no laboratory. This ain't no naked girls with baggies. This is Uncle Joe. You rock and fucking roll. And a real guy never would have let you bring in another guy would say, no, that's on you. If you want to move weight, you move it. I'll give it to you and that's on you. I don't want to meet a new guy. But some people go, no, let me meet. Yeah, the real greed, like people that wants to meet you, man, that don't have a tight fucking game. Those are the, that's why I'm surprised that guy's been in the same spot for 10 years because most guys, six months, nine months, or they're renting three different spots. So when you go see him, it's a stash spot.

Anyway, it's not even where he lives. Well, this is where he lives, but I know he's got a stash spot. He's got a stash spot, a brown town. But he does all his business very, when he comes back from getting the product, he calls you. This is the way he worked with me. He was very smart. He called me and he would say, this is what I got. He knew what I had. Sometimes he'd give me a big chunk, sometimes, but he would leave right down again. He's been selling for 20 years in this area. So he's got his customers. He takes no outsiders. Yeah, that's the key. Takes no outsiders. I know a guy in Jersey I grew up with. I'm 51. He's 51. Bought a house. He has a Chevy. He works part-time. I know he's got a half a mill put away for sure and a speaker.

I know for a fact, he's been selling blow since high school, this guy. He lives, you know, modestly. He doesn't go out to dinners. If he moves two ounces a weekly, makes four or five thousand dollars. It's 20,000 a month and nobody knows what you're doing. That's 240 a year. Nobody knows what you're doing, cash. Because the people you're dealing with are very, these people are fiends. When I was snorting coke, I was a fiend. Let's pretend if I was doing this type of cocaine, when I was on a TV show, right? Two years. I got one guy I'm dealing with in two years. You're going to make a fortune off me. You're going to take it all. That guy's taking everything. Yeah, he's taking everything. The drug dealing world is amazing, but there's super drug dealers and

there's smart drug dealers. You don't even want nothing in your house, especially a guy like me. If I got an ounce of coke before I got to my house, there'd only be two grams left. So the worst I could get in trouble is with those two grams. Does it even upset drug dealers when they get arrested or is it just part of? No, no, they're very happy. Well, no, no, not being happy, but they're fucking upset. They just put it. I didn't know. I didn't know if it was just like part of doing business. Well, it's, it depends on what type of drug dealer you are. If you're making 20, 20 key moves a week or a month and you're fucking, you know, making a half a mil a fucking month, eventually somebody's going to fucking crack. You know,

you know that as a smart businessman, you're going in and going, wow, I've already done this for a year. I've got a 200,000 of my mattress. Yeah. You know, do I see how to get out point? Do I stop? But do I keep going? You know, that's what you were talking about the greedy guys. I think there was a guy, the first comic in Chicago, not the first, but at least in my generation that hit, that got a, he got a talent holding deal out of the Chicago Comedy Festival in 2000. And we didn't even know there was such a thing. We didn't even know what that meant. They gave him $250,000. I think I was 26 and he might have been 24. Like that was like stockbroker money. Like no one made that money in our, the circles we were traveling. That was bizarre money. Five months

later, he moved the dealer into his house. That's how, that's how sly that dealer was. He got next to him right away. He found out about the money. He started frontin' him. He got him charged up. He started feeding the ego, getting the guy high on himself. And then he said, listen, man, why do I gotta go home? Why don't I fucking come in here and the party never ends? You make sense. How fast did that 250 go? Gone. It was gone in here. Where is he now? Florida, I think that kid moved to Florida. Comedy still? Yeah, I think so. But he, he, he owned it a couple years later. I mean, he was just too much, too fast. He moved the guy and he jokes about it now. But yeah, man,

he got him. Just the dealer was like a fucking alligator just waiting for him to put his foot in the pond. Crazy. Even with all the drug dealers I robbed, if you take that number and put it in hundreds of thousands of dollars and the amount of drug dealer I gave money to, I'd still be losing. I'd still give money. I snorted a lot of coke guys. I paid for a lot of coke, but I robbed a lot of coke. I got out, man, before it was the one, like towards the end when I was drinking, I had to have coke. But I never got, I was a true blue fucking drunk. I've been sober. We were just talking about this 12 and a half years, but towards the end, that's what really scared me was when I was drinking and I get that fired up like I had to have. I'm like,

where's the fucking man? Where's he at? Page him again. If I can get him over here. Where's, let's go over there. It's fucking 6.30 in the morning. The guy's got kids kicking his fucking door. Wake him up. The kids, he's probably up. Just you all logic fucking goes. All my madness was motivated by Bombay Sapphire, Jin, and Tequila. But once the cocaine guy down there, I'm like, we got to push this car off of fucking Mulholland. I rented a car. I'm like, take me up to Mulholland. Brian training, who owns a bar downtown. He's like, all right, let's go. We're up on Mulholland. We're out. We're pushing the car. He's like, what are we doing? It's four in the morning. I go, we're going to launch this fucking thing off the cliff, 18 style, and see if this

fucking car blows up. Here in LA? Oh yeah, we were up on Mulholland over, you know, how they have those oversight things you could look just for fun. Yeah, it was like four in the morning. And I just moved here. I was I drank in LA for six months. And then I got sober, hopefully for good. So I'm like, I had a rented car. And it was fully insured. I'm like, let's launch this fucking thing off a cliff and see what happens. He goes, what? And he dives in the car from the passenger. So you were pushing it like it was dead, you know, I had it in neutral. He dives in and pushes the emergency brake. He goes, I'm not walking all the way back down the fucking hill. He didn't give a shit that we were going to launch the fucking car into someone's house. He just didn't

want to fucking walk back down home. Yeah, man, it was, it was, I knew if I drank out here, I saw a couple things. One, I'd be dead in a year for sure. But two, I saw that it was wide fucking open on the street, like no one was really pulling any strings. And I'm like, if comedy doesn't work, I was on the opposite side, you were, I'm like, I'll just fucking jump back in the game and just put a crew together out here because no one's doing anything. You know, I see guys in like, Ascot's going, I'm a cook dealer. I'm like, holy shit, this is the guy you're copping from. I'm like, who's got your back? He's like, what do you mean? And I'm thinking, this guy's just walking around with weight, with loafers, and a scarf, and a fucking,

I'm like, you're just floating around with this like no one, that's what you do. There's no one, you're not part of a crew. You don't have anyone backing you. Like you just went out, you know, you booked a commercial and you took 10 grand and you bought a kilo. Didn't they shoot a movie about kids that were robbing people in the Hollywood? Oh yeah. Oh yeah, that like the bling ring or something like that. It's, you know, you meet these people, these people like their guards down. They're not from that environment. They're not from that society. So when they come up with an animal, and trust me, every day somebody gets hit by an animal here in LA, this story, if you turn on the, I almost got caught and all that shit, you'll see that half of

those stories are like, that dumped in, it was an actor and he turned this and he'd be awesome, they gave him a job as a lawnmower guy in front of somebody's house and he fucking robbed the car. It's always something, you know, because it's crazy if you don't. I make copies of everyone's driver's license that comes to my house that does handy work. Everyone, I go, I understand you guys want a fucking living. I got a copy machine right here. Give me a license and I'm going to make it through. You think I'm going to fucking stay? I don't give a fuck what you think. Give me a copy of your fucking license so you ain't not doing the fucking work because you can come in and you get 10% for tipping off a score to your pal or your uncle that just got out and he showed our money

and you came in and you saw three big screens and four MacBooks in my house and you're getting 10% of that. That's why I'm like, people clean my house. Yeah, so I'm like, never let nobody clean your house. So I'm like, hey, never, never, no outsiders in your house, nothing. We're making copies guys. It's the weirdest thing. I don't like no outsiders in my house. Like a lot of people get cleaning services to come in. I don't want nobody in my fucking house. When I go to a hotel, I don't want to misunderstand. Let's just not have any misunderstandings. Nobody in my fucking room. Don't refill the snack bar. Don't do nothing. Don't do nothing. Mind your fucking business. I'm leaving on Sunday morning. You can do whatever the fuck you want. I don't want nobody in my house.

That's why when you return, yeah, people, you're Jewish. That's even worse. I don't have anything in my house. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. You could be sitting there one night. Somebody might think you have something. You got three guys that might think you have something. And here you are tied up getting bit slapped in there asking you to do a fucking thing. You didn't do a fucking thing. You don't ever want anybody in your fucking house. You clean your own fucking toilet. You do everything. Nobody comes in my house. It doesn't necessarily have to be in there. We have water in the ceiling. And the guy was coming at 3.15. I was right there with him. I checked the fucking everything. I let him know. He said, I'll be back Thursday. He can't be back Thursday. We're not going to be here.

I own it. And I tell him, look, I used to be a fucking animal guy. So I see the move coming. By the way, not to interrupt you. It has been stroke week online. I'm going to tell you people for the last fucking time. All right. Just in case you got any ideas. I don't want to do nobody's podcast. I don't have the fucking time. If you don't live in LA, I can't do your podcast. I don't Skype. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing next. I don't know. I don't know. And now I got to get a hold of you and tell you I can't do your stupid podcast. Let's just stop now. Don't hit me up for a podcast. I don't want you to hook me up. I don't want to do dick. When I go to a fucking town to do comedy, I don't want to be fucking bothered. Number two, if you want me to sponsor you,

it's all about cash. Okay. Don't tell me what I could make that fucking jerk off the other day. You can make 30,000 selling websites. Really? Go sell fucking websites then. Show me one guy. Let's make it 30,000. He thinks like I'm some fucking momo, right? Well, you could make that. All right. Well, if I can make 30,000, let's do this. It's commission, right? Yeah, you've made 30,000. Yeah, all the time. Send me 15 and you could sponsor the show. I don't want 30. You made 30, right? Yeah. Good. We want eight of that. It's fair. Okay. If you don't have eight of that 30, you ain't real. Bye. Today I got a guy. I made Oprah millions. I'm the guy that made Oprah. I want to put a tour together, but we want to get another and the guy was serious.

I should have taken this fucking email and read this fucking day. He wants a lot of comedy. So he put down what Russell Peters made last year, what Jerry Seinfeld made with all the top comics made. And he said that if we do a tour, we can make more money than these guys and we're funny in them. But he wants to do a tour with all these attractions. Like we're going to pull somebody who got arrested in that area into the stage and yell at them and embarrass them and tape like right away. You're like, are you fucking retarded? He went from Oprah to grab the felons out of the audience. Somebody, somebody tweeted at me this week and I'm sure he's nice. But he said, when you, when Joey comes to Indy, you should, you guys should do a podcast from

the prison for the inmates. Johnny Cash. Let me tell you something. These people with all their fucking ideas, these people think that you just call up a prison and you don't need Clarence, Joey Diaz and my friend, Lisa, yeah. And we want to come in and do a podcast. Oh, the invicts would love that. When do you want to do it? Let me book you in. Cause our goal here is to make the inmates happy. Are you fucking stupid? I actually got to ask those people. Are you fucking just asking? I don't know. She was a nice guy. He ain't a nice guy. He's a dummy because who would think who wants to go to a phone? What makes you think I want to go inside the fucking prison? I do a podcast where a bunch of people are looking at my neck.

That's what they're looking at. They're looking at your fucking neck going, look at that guy. He eats good. I could smell the salt. I could smell the fucking sausage from his fucking ears. Please people, just leave me the fuck alone. I got a wife. I got a kid. I'm trying to get healthy. I'm trying to write a book. I'm trying to write jokes. I got a podcast. I got to communicate with friends and love ones around here. I don't have time to call you during the week, I don't. I don't even know what my next fucking move is. Today I had a guy hit me up on Facebook. Go to my Facebook page. Hi. You did a podcast with a gentleman. I think it was Burke Kreischer and you said something about the government. What's the name of that agency? Are you retarded?

I don't know what I said on the podcast yesterday. What the fuck are you talking about? What I said that you don't even know who the fucking guest is. I don't even know who the guest was. At least you can go to file a Twitter or something. Yeah. Oh boy. Yeah, it's not. Did you respond? Yeah. You went back and forth with him. Do you want me to read the thing he wrote? Whatever, Lee. Read something. Jesus Christ. You want me to read the thing? No, I want you to. We had a lot of momentum going there, Lee, until you threw a fucking stick right in the spokes. His response was my brother. I don't remember what I said yesterday. Never mind. Two months ago. That's all you responded with. And what did he say? Thanks for the honesty.

What the fuck is wrong with those people? Thanks for the honesty. Joe, you do my podcast? Not you or your family. I could drive to your house. I know I'm saying these guys. You ever do that until you're talking to a guy and you're just vulnerable for a moment and you're like, man, he's motherfuckers and you stop. And then they ask you for the exact same thing that you just went on a fucking rant for 10 minutes. All the time. And you're like, will you not listen to what I fucking just said for the last 10 minutes? All the time. I don't have the time. If I had the time, I do. I did. I did Doug Benson's at four and he had to cancel two fucking things. I don't have the fucking time, guys. I barely have the time for this,

what I think we're doing on a Tuesday night at eight fucking o'clock because shit develops. And you know, I got four fucking days in town. I got three days in town the next two weeks. So Mike, we're going this weekend. What are you playing? Buffalo, New York. No shit. Fucking beef on wick. A couple of diet fucking wings, diet wings. They got diet wings and Buffalo. That's how they were. Healy them. Oh, nice, man. Fucking club up there. I mean, they don't have the shit. They had the little chubby lesbian chick, but she moved to open up a roller skating rink or some shit. Who the fuck knows? She bounced a few checkers over five. Got to go. Yeah. Once you bounce a check in the comedy business, it's tough taking a call. You know what

I'm saying? It's tough for somebody. It's going to get around. Yeah. I mean, what are we talking about? Where are you going to go this week here in Buffalo? No, before that, we're talking about some guy drug dealers and then people asking you to do podcasts. Yeah. Podcasts, you know, businesses, people want to start businesses. Hi, how are you doing? You want to start a business? Yeah, yeah. I just met you on Gmail. Yeah, I'm dying to fucking start a business with you. All right, get the fuck out of here. Fucking what the fuck is wrong with you? Everyone wants to start a holiday. You should come to Denver and start a weed business. All right, I'll do it tomorrow. Yeah, I got nothing better to do but to fly back and fucking forth. I can't stop looking at my child.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Who the fuck wants to stop looking at your kid? One day, you're going to get proud. You're going to get the wife pregnant. You're going to look at your kid. You can't take your eyes off him. Nothing means the same. Nothing. You don't. I don't give a fuck what I want to hear. What story do you want to tell me? I got to sit there and listen to you do a fucking podcast in a basement with your mother up there cooking goulash or something. And a waste of your time is no longer a waste of your time. It's a waste of the kids. Yeah, I don't have the fucking time. You know, some guys last week, can you call into the show on Sunday? Listen, guy, on Sunday, I do this thing at 10 o'clock. I get out at 11, 11, 30. I got to

drive back. Whatever time my wife gets out of church with the kid, we got to go eat. Yeah. So if your podcast has to interfere with eating, you're not going to get the call. Can I be that honest with you? Well, if you could, did you just not fucking hear what I called you guy? That if I'm with them, I can't pick up the fucking phone and call you. I can't. It's impossible. I'm with my daughter and the fucking wife of the restaurant. And you want to ask me who's going to win Anderson Silva against Diaz. I don't give a fuck. I really don't even give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. It's going to be silver, by the way. Who gives a fuck? You know what I'm saying? I don't give a fuck. You know, people want you to give a fuck about things. And

that's the problem. As you, as you get older, you don't give a fuck. You like it. Well, how did I waste all that time doing that? Watching that stupidity and doing this and doing that. You start narrowing it down. I just got a flip phone during the day. I think I told you. So I forward my iPhone calls to the flip phone from 10 to 6. Put the thing away, please. Put the thing away. You make me nervous. Yeah. That means the feds are watching you. 10 to 6. Hold on. Just look right in this little hole right here. Put the thing away. You make me nervous at the fucking phones, the size of a fucking house. Well, I know people have asked you to do Biggest Loser, and do you see what happened recently with them? Nobody asked me to do Biggest Loser.

Hasn't people? No, not them, but like people keep saying you should go on it. Yeah, but they do a police background check. Really? Yeah. They don't want none of that shit. Oh, okay. Nobody's ever said it to me because they know I won't do that shit. And I don't do that stuff with you. What makes you think I want to be on TV? I want a bunch of fucking almost. Look at me. I need a protein like Jillian Michaels, the queen of the Jews, whipping me in shit, telling me to lose weight. Oh, fuck yourself before I fucking call the man a steal. The fuck is wrong with these people? Fucking obvious losers, whatever the fuck, biggest losers. Obvious losers. Obvious losers. Fucking is with a bunch of gentiles. This is fun. Get the fuck out of here. I was just telling you

guys before the show, and I did that RE show the other night. This is not happening. This is not happening. You know, I'm a professional, and I try to be a professional, but I also have another problem. I'm not a fucking fake. And I went through this thing the other day on Saturday night, and that wasn't a great move when I went down. I had a story in my head. I was going to do a story about revenge, when me and Tommy Russo and Diddy Cantero beat up this fucking jerk off with a wiffle ball by Nick's pizza. And I get there. And by the way, I started seeing industry people, but like industry people that I've known throughout the years, and if a train fell out of the sky, they'd want the train to hit me. Like they've tried really hard not to even avoid me, but to fuck with me at every obvious

point. A couple of these cunts I saw down there. Two cunts in particular, and a couple guys that work for Comedy Central. They do whatever they do. They have that little fucking job, which they have no talent at all. They don't do nothing. They don't even know what talent is. They know what people tell them. You know what I'm saying? When they're sitting in a group and, oh my God, I've seen Hannibal Berries all these other, you know, they just agree with what everybody else agrees with. That's it. And they go to each other. When you go to that, it's not whatever the fuck. When we go to that, this is not happening. And a little Comedy Central comics go up with their dumb fucking stories. And you see the Comedy Central people. There's their boys. When we go up,

they sit their stone face like looking at them. You can see these motherfuckers have hatred for the real people. They're not real. And this is what I forget. That these people are part of a fake fuck. They have no, they were raised fake. Their parents were fake. You know what I'm saying? They've been fake all their lives. They've been seeing people go, you know, your people come over and they're like, oh my God, it's so nice to have you over. Then when they close the door, we're lucky they left. They saw that as children. So they bring that, they start doing that also. They start telling people, oh my God, no, listen, you're a fucking asshole. Then bring hummus to my fucking house again. When your child sees that, he gets it. When your child sees that,

you don't have to be nice to people that they rather hear the truth. Sometimes people rather hear the truth. I rather, when my wife makes me a dinner, if it's spectacular, I'll suck the fucking pussy 10 times. But if the food isn't that good, I'll tell her the truth. I say, honey, I didn't like that meal. I didn't like how you cook it. So she doesn't keep doing it. So I don't get myself into a personal rather than a human being. And I have to lie to her. And now every six weeks, she's like, I made your favorites. They're not my fucking favorites. I don't like that shit, you know? And I'm like that with everybody. But that's how I was raised. I saw my mother be real with me. I saw my mother at a bar, tell people instead of what they wanted to hear. She didn't

care about the customer. She didn't care about it. Listen, I don't like you. I don't like you in my bar. I just don't like you, man. And you don't like me. And you've talked about me. So why would you want to drink here? Get the fuck out of my bar. I saw my mom do that. And I put two and two together what a real person is like, what my mother wanted me to be like. So when I get around those people, I get angry. It just makes my fucking head. And now that I lay all these years, I react to them different. And the other night, I let them take me down with their evil and with their kiss of death prowess. I let them take me down. And that's why I bond at that show. And guys, I got the fuck right off the stage. I didn't say goodnight to anybody.

Like, I didn't want to say goodbye to them. I just hate those people now. Like, I had no use for fateness for telling somebody, hey, that was great. No, it wasn't. Why are you lying to them? Why are you lying to them? When I get off stage, I know if I bomb, do you want to come up to me, tell me that was great. I even get pissed at people when they come up to me and go, that was a great saying. No, it wasn't. That said sucked. Okay, I saved it somewhere along the line, but I did the same jokes or whatever. I'm just one of those people. So it changes the tone of the audience for sure. You know what I mean? If that's part of it, because an audience isn't going to judge it that hard, no matter what, you know what I mean? It's like stockbrokers, you know, sitting in a bank

convention. What do you mean? Unless it's like a bombing bombing. We've sat, you've sat in a thousand bad shows Lee, that some have included me and some have included some of your favorite fucking comics. You've paid $60 and $70 to go to those festivals and you've come back and told me the truth, that this person sucked, this person sucked. Yeah, that oddball festival. That takes a lot of character, because nobody's going to pay $60 and come back and tell you it sucks. That's why there's so many exquisite restaurants. They suck. Half of these restaurants, you go, they suck. You go in there, you're like, I don't know what the fuck they're thinking, but this sucks. But nobody's ever going to tell you something sucks and they put a hundred dollars on the desk. The woman is definitely

not going to tell you everything to them is fucking great. You know, they dirt wrapped up in a fucking tamale. Oh, this is great. It's great. No, it wasn't. Shut the fuck up, boys, man. It sucks. Are you filming or no? What's that? Were you filming for the show or no? What show? The one you just said he did. He did. You did already show, but this was at the festival. Right, this is at the festival. Yeah, I was in the show. You already taped it. I seen it on YouTube. Yeah, I taped the show. We taped two of them and then now we're doing a TV one. So yeah, so that was just a lot, that was a throwaway though, right? That was a throwaway. Yeah, I didn't give a fuck. No, no, no. Not a throwaway, but you don't have to fucking go up and hit a fucking homerun because the

camera's around. No, no, no. I don't give a fuck. I just did it because I wanted to help Ari. He's my friend. But once I went down, I saw the people that were saying hello to them and creepy people. Like some girl came up to me. We were having a conversation. Some girl came up to me. Didn't give a fuck. Do you know how I am? Yes. And Ari's planning like, listen, did you not see I'm having a fucking conversation? I was like, I don't know. I'm Susan, whatever's assistant. Well, you're an assistant. You're coming to say, look at the fuck out of my face with some white dude with a blue shirt on with ugly shoes on. He was just standing there like she was deadbeat. And he was a bigger fucking deadbeat, you know, and they're spreading that deadbeat in this

around. Get the fucking seat with that popcorn out of fucking Saturday night in popcorn. The fuck out of here. There's booze. There's heroin. You're around the block from downtown. You're fucking eating popcorn. But why didn't why didn't you just do the story that you because you've you've said we've talked before about how like if there's older people in the audience, you used to get nervous and you don't anymore. So why did you let them change your story? I know it's weird. It's a generous satisfaction. Yeah, I think it's a weird thing. It's a generate with when we came up, there was a weird thing where some somehow your power, the power shift just came and it just fuck with you from like being a young comic. I don't know

if you share but it sounds like the same thing. And then you got to get on the other side where you just go and I don't give a fuck. I'm going to do what I'm going to do. Anyway, you know what I mean? Because I did a showcase one time and it was like you're already starting at a disadvantage. And you could you know, when you go up and you're performing for an audience, you could you could feel where the audience is at. And you're like, don't you want this to go your way? I mean, if we collaborate on this, we get the best result. Like you trying to break me isn't good for either one of us on a business level. You feel me? But that's not the approach. It's always like you fucking jump through hoops and you prove it to me. I'm already here, man.

I'll never forget. I walked off stage to a standing ovation at the improv in 2004. And the executive from a network was in the back and I'm on cloud nine and I'm high five and people was just a magical set. And I go, what do you think of that? I just happened to see me was standing by those double doors that opened by the sound booth. And he goes, I go, look, look, and I'm wave people have turned to watch me walk out of the room and I'm waving to him. And I go, what do you think of that? He goes, I don't know what to do with that. And I go, what are you talking about? He goes, I don't know how to, I don't know. I go, look, that's your audience. That's who watches your network. What do you mean you don't know? I don't

know how to, because down he wouldn't buy advertising. I'm like, what do you mean you don't? That's the people that buy things. What are you talking about? And then we went outside. He's like, I just don't know how to translate that into a television show. And I go, well, that's where we go and we meet with writers and show runners and we pair it up and I tell you more stories. And we, I mean, the business is now, wasn't this just to let you know what I'm capable of on a comedy level? And you just saw it. It wasn't a person that stayed in the seat. Too much work. Yeah, it was like, it was, it was, it was a bizarre, confusing puzzle. And it was weird that I think it's shifting now because of social media, like, did the Radford Hall show Saturday night,

sold out standing and only sold out there the show. I don't need somebody to tell me that I'm funny anymore. I don't, I don't need that. Come to my show. You know, you were, thank you again for making me a part of your show. You know, invite me to come out and do standup. I perform for your audience. So my job that night wasn't like, Hey, everybody fucking look at how funny I am. It was, I want to be funny for you for your headliner coming on. I'm going to do my little dance. I'm going to give you my goods for 15 minutes, perform to the top of my capabilities. But Uncle Joey's closing it out. And it's his show. And it's his night old school style. You know what I mean? You want to come on and scoop everything up. That was great, man. By the way,

as your audience is the shit. Well, these guys podcast people, listen, now you're getting people that come into the shows and they know what you're about. 10 years ago, you were going up on stage cold, cold. You said two words that were wrong. You turned off half the audience. Now you're fighting fucking upstream. We don't have that problem no more. People are coming out and I appreciate them. I could give them a better show. They know what we're coming from. Exactly. There's nobody getting upset. We did a fucking live podcast at the Laugh Factory, the second one. It was horrifically because half the people that didn't belong because the Laugh Factory marketed it wrong. They thought it was a stand-up show. I told the Laugh Factory 15 fucking times.

The Laugh Factory, I never dealt with nothing like that. Me and Lee have had this conversation on podcasts for three weeks. So half these club managers don't know what a fucking podcast is. They don't know how to package it. So do me a favor. Just leave it alone. Yeah. Don't touch it. Just make believe we're coming on a Wednesday night. We're going to do what we're going to do. Or don't book it and then try to make it your thing. It's your thing. This is your guy's show. You bring it in. Don't be like make it like this. Go fuck yourself. They call me. Who's kind of a show? Who's doing stand-up? How many minutes of people doing beats? It's a podcast. So does that mean six people go up a seven? I was like, I don't believe this. I do not

fucking believe this shit. That's like the last thing that's holding people back is it's too expensive to book theaters. So you still have to deal with some of these people. But once someone figures out a way to have it. It's music venues, Lee. They're doing music venues now. Yeah. You go in on a night like on a Monday when it's dark. You do 100 seats at 20 bucks a pop and you keep the door. The could you tour like that? Could you tour like like headline and comedians tour and still make close to the same money? Yeah. When you're doing those rock clubs, you earn every dollar. It's fucking shoot them up. Sally. If they know you're coming though, I'm saying you do those clubs with your audience.

They're standing. It's a lot of shit. There's no door people. It's not the improv. So you earn your money, but you lose. It's it's fucking crazy. You know, Stan Hope did it for a while and worked for him. Yeah. But his audience, that's what they are. You know? Yeah. Most people, roguing people, you know, they don't want to go to that shit. That's why he stopped doing the house of blues. You know, he wouldn't let them stand up. And they said, no, I don't want people standing up on my show. You want to stand up with them? After 20 minutes, I just paid fucking 20 bucks. I'm standing up. You got to rent chairs. You just take it out of the door. You rent 300 chairs, 200

chairs, whatever, and you put chairs in there. Put chairs. You know, you got to sit down. People have to relax. I don't want people sitting up yelling. No waitresses. They got to walk back and forth. That adds a different touch to it. That adds a complete different feel when there's no waitress and you're losing them. Are there only are there only corporate comedy clubs or other individual comedy clubs? There's individual ones. But do you mean like A level headliners go there? If you're the only team in town. If me and you opened up a club in fucking Detroit. And we paid the comments and we hooked up with Gersh and CAA and we paid their fees. We can get whatever comic we want. Okay. But when you see their fees, you're gonna have a heart attack.

Really? You know, because to really make it, you got to have the big guys come in that sell tickets. Those guys want money. They also want a white limo. They also want eight hotel rooms for their friends and family. Plus you have all this advertising you're doing, which advertising is out the fucking roof right now. That's why when I get an email from somebody telling me about how easy it is to put a tour together, I giggle my ass off. Didn't funny or die have a tour with all the Gentiles of comedy, right? With Whitney Cummings and you know, what's his name? The guy, you know, step brothers and everybody was on the tour. What happened? And Nick Swanson, well, what happened to the tour? The oddball tour? No. The other one they did.

I don't know. Funny or died to the tour two, three years ago. Okay. And you know, touring is hard because you got five fucking egos and their agents are part of it. So your tickets are gonna be 85 fucking dollars. A hundred dollars for five egos. You ever go see five egos on stage? It's the dumbest thing you've ever seen in life, people. Don't go see five fucking egos. Five's too much anyway for one show. For one show. Unless the show's running two and a half hours, which means it's a half an hour too long, which means five people chopping up 20 minutes. Everyone's gonna go over the light. Yeah. And everyone's gonna want to go in the dirt spot. That's why I don't want to be part of boy bands. That's why you don't want to be part of those tours, you know, t-shirts. I rather not. I like

doing it small. I'm a microeconomic type of motherfucker. You know what I'm saying? I'm not a macro type of motherfucker for comedy. I rather keep it small, keep the prices low. I want the people to go home and felt like they got a bargain. If I charge them 30, they're gonna go, that wasn't a bargain. He sucked. But if I charge them 20, 18, that's a fucking bargain. I don't need to make fucking money off doing that shit. I don't really. It drives me crazy. Once the business angle of it comes on, and these agents will call you, I got a call last week, we want to do $35 tickets, we'll cancel me. Yeah. Well, how about 30? You cancel me. How much are tickets? 22 is the top ticket I charged. That's probably with a 20 with a service fee. So that's probably what's 22. 22.

Yeah. 22. That's it. I don't give a fuck. Don't don't book me then. I don't believe in that. I don't believe a comedy club, a person should pay. Oh, I don't believe it because they got to get a baby shitter. They got to get valet. They got to just don't want it. I don't want that. I don't want that. You know, I don't need $25 30 for these shirts. $20. That's it. I don't need all this, you know, to destroy people. I've never had that desire. I didn't want people to come always shirt this that that no, I don't even give a fuck if you buy a shirt. Just come to the fucking show. Let's laugh. Yeah. Let's smoke dope afterward and go the fuck home. We'll take a picture. That's all I want out of these people. You know what I'm saying? Lee, what's the matter with you? No, I'm fucked up.

How are you fucked up? Because you put hash in there. No, I didn't put no. Yes, you did. No, I did. You've been putting hash in for like two weeks. You have like little exciting periods. What happened to you last night? You got stoned. Oh my God. I got stoned. I went to that. I forced myself to go to the gym at nine o'clock. I got a little bit unhigh or a little bit sober. Did you sweat some of that THC out of the gym? Yeah. Did you smell it coming out of your fucking? No. But I had to turn off Scarface because I thought he was going to smack his wife and I started having a panic attack on the elliptical. So I turned it off. You don't have to see women get smacked. It freaks me out. But you'll watch porn or see them get fucked in the

ass and come on their titties. Yeah, I don't know. There's something about like seeing a girl get smacked in the face freaks me out. Let me give him some shout outs here, right? Miles Babs. I love you, cocksucker. Fred Nazar. Stop asking. You're fucking disgusting. Peter Ho Quinn. Amy, who loves you. 420 Malibu Zelda. You bad motherfucker. Raised by Wolves and Lauren Rosenker. I love you guys. Always. Yeah, Peter Fred Nazar. Stop. You're embarrassing. You know what I'm saying? One time. I did it because you're a fucking pain in the ass. You know what I'm saying? What's up, Lee? What do you got planned for tonight? Where are you going to go? Tonight? I got nothing. We're going to go and get some cheeseburgers. How many calories you got left on it?

You're not going to eat tonight. Like a thousand? This don't be nothing to you. Oh, yes, it does. Like a thousand calories. Why do you have a thousand fucking calories? I'll tell you why. Because I had to take a sleeping politics in the morning so I didn't wake up till noon. So I had one subway sandwich today and then I had two other podcasts. So he's a thousand. You woke up an hour ago. Yeah, pretty much. So yeah, so I still have something left because every time I get this high, I have to eat. Why do you eat a subway sandwich? You didn't go to Big Mice after everything we went to. You didn't go to Jersey Mice. You're back at that dump. I had two. I had three podcasts that I had to go to the gym. There's a Jersey Mice around the corner.

What happened? It was easy. Well, not on me again. What's easier? You got North Hollywood diner. No, I don't go there. No, to push. We used to go there. No, no, no. Why would you go to Subway? That's it. It's over. No more subway. You're a Jersey Mice guy now. Okay, that's it. It was pretty good. That's it. No more subway. That's the new rule in the house. No more subway. I don't want to hear that shit. You're a Jersey Mice guy. Get a regular sandwich, no chips, and get a diet soda. It'll be fine. I do it all the fucking time. Tuna with a little onion, hold the vinegar in all with a little mayo. You're fine. They got the turkey. Nice turkey. Real turkey with provolone cheese. You put some lettuce. You put some mayonnaise, salt and pepper.

It's a beautiful fucking sandwich. No more subway guy. That's it. You're a church fucking evaluator. You're the fucking guest host of the church. How are you eating that disgusting shit? People are looking at you for leadership. No more church. No more of that shit. You got Jersey Mice right around the corner, bro. Right around the corner. Why do you hate America? He hates. He loves that pepperoni. He goes in and he gets that pepperoni from in there. I get pepperoni from the deli counter. What's the name of your al-Qaeda cell? Well, you get pepperoni at the fucking subway. Yeah. Sometimes. I get mustard. No more pepperoni. No more subway. It's unbelievable. You are a Jersey Mice guy now. You're from the East fucking coast guy. You got to start acting like you got to start

eating top notch food. No more silliness for you. There's a busload of grandmothers that just perished because of your insubordination. No more this shit. You're an East coast guy, bro. You got to act like an East coast guy. But you're a huge fan of that cheese and veggies sandwich thing. No, I don't. No, I don't. I don't go in there. When I'm on the road making six dollars a week, I'm a big fan of it. Why would I go in there when you go get tub in the sub at fucking the thing? What? What's tub in the sub? Tub in the sub is a salad at Jersey Mice. Oh, okay. So you get the same sandwich without the bread. So don't tell me about calorie. I want to lose weight. Fuck that shit. That's poison. That's poison. How many times when we start fucking?

And not every rose has its storm poison poison poison. It's fucking bad for you. It's turkey fucking pastrami. It's turkey fucking salami. It's turkey fucking pepperoni. What part of that? Don't you fucking understand? Because you want to eat the real shit. You're from the East coast guy. You're from Boston. You got to start acting like it. It's cheddar cheese. Who eats cheddar cheese on the sandwiches? Most people. No, they don't. That's the fucking white Gentiles that eat ranch. And they, and they believe the reviews to a movie. Oh, I got thick dars. You know, that's what that's for. No more cheddar. American sliced thin Swiss sliced. White, white, the American white. Oh, he don't fucking know. American sliced thin land the lakes. What are you fucking nuts? It's like

but a little provolone when that cheese melt that cheddar cheese, squeeze a pimp on your face. You see the cheddar fly out of your fucking face. Cocksucker. That's a cheddar cheese is discussed. Nobody goes when was the last time you went to a sandwich place even fucking subway. They sell cheddar cheese there. No, there's a reason job. Whatever your fucking name is. There's a reason why people you don't put cheddar cheese on a sandwich. Never. But what about avocado? Yeah, if you need it, like if you're half a fag, like if you're gluten free, who puts avocado on that fucking sandwich? When you go to Jersey, is there any fucking sandwich with avocado on? No, no, then why would you put avocado on your fucking sandwich? Because when you go to Boston,

is there avocado when you go to legal seafood? No, they look at you and go, are you fucking retarded? Are you fucking retarded or just taking fucking lessons? This is every week. When I want to write something funny, I call him and ask him what he ate that day. That's all I got to do is call him. What did you eat today? He got mad because I had Korean dumplings. What's wrong with Korean? Because there's 20,000 Chinese places right up here around the corner. Every week his girlfriend talks him into going to some exotic place. It's exotic. It's downtown on the train. Exotic on the train. Again, you're from these coasts. All right, if you want to take trains, you move to New York. Nobody takes trains. You go right over here. You

go to that Chinese place up the corner here. There's a Korean place on Laurel Canyon. You keep it over here. And you take a rickshaw from one to the other. That's it. It's over. No more subway for you. That's it. You've been eating subway for too long. Your generation's fucking retarded. No more subway. No more avocado. No more bacon on burgers. What is wrong with you fucking people? That's a double colostopy. What does that call like a double? If you wrote a sentence, what does that call? Redundant. Being redundant? Yeah, that's being redundant. Redumbed. You know, the shit with the clubs. Who eats a club sandwich in Jersey? With avocado. You can't order a club sandwich on these coasts. You just had a club sandwich. I do not eat a

fucking club sandwich. At the baby place. My wife ordered a fucking club sandwich. My wife went to the, uh, but it was an East Coast club. Yeah, East Coast. White bread, toasted, a ton of mayonnaise, a sourdough, crispy, almost burnt bacon. I'll fucking stab you. Thin, turkey, lettuce, tomato, triple layer, triple layer. And it was tight. I put the fucking, uh, with a USC, the bowl is across. They have the kids space. Oh yeah. Yeah. The fucking the kitchen was tremendous. My wife got that. She's right away. She's a fucking gentile. Let me get a club sandwich. I was gonna smack but you know, what are you going to do? But then when I saw it, I'm like, holy shit. It looks like an East Coast BLT with the toothpicks. They cut it nice little triangles, but that's shit. You eat

chicken. I see you. I see you. The other night, listen to what happened. Twice already. A nice, nice people sent us a Christmas present. 25 dollars to go eat a fucking, what's the name of the place? A steak place, I forget. Yeah, you forget. Ruth Chris. Oh, that's nice. Both times I offered them to him and his girlfriend. One night they were going to get pizza. My girlfriend wanted pizza. I would smack the fuck out of her. That's when I go to her. Okay, I'm going to order you pizza, but I'm going by myself because you got to set your marker and enforce it late. She doesn't like steak. Who gives a fuck what she likes? Who gives a fuck what she likes? They got fucking shrimp there. They got everything. They probably make you pizza. They

got everything there. Ruth Chris. Look at the fucking menu. Go to Ruth Chris. Look at the fucking appetizer menu. But why would I waste it if she doesn't like it? It doesn't matter what she likes. I don't care if she drinks water. As long as she watches you eat the fucking steak, what do you give a fuck? You turn down a pizza from Laurel Canyon. He's from the East Coast. We just straighten them out. It's a good, it's a, it's a pretty good one. Yeah, that's a pretty, that's a party fault. You can't, if a guy's saying, let's go get steak. No, I'm leaving my car. That's a take the card. Take the throw a steak down a fucking throw. You still haven't used the car? No, he has a card. I said, come get it. Take it out. Yeah. Then I called him again. What are you guys going to do?

I go, Lee, I'm busy the next couple weeks. Just come get the card. Take it right. I'm not calling you back. Oh my God. She doesn't like steak. Who again, who gives a fuck what she likes, Lee? When was the last time? When was the last time? Why waste a nice present? Who gives a fuck that you give her a fucking appetizer? What's the appetizers? Read the appetizers. Do you like steak, Lee? I do love steak. Okay, that's all that fucking matters. Do you do things that she likes sometimes? No, he does it all the time. Coconut macarons. That's what I'm saying. I couldn't get this motherfucker out of that. Isn't there a reciprocation? Isn't there a reciprocation you do? Me the Captain Kirk here. What she likes. He's already said, well, she doesn't like it. Listen,

if you don't like it, I'll drop you off at mom's. I'll go by myself. We got a fucking $100 steak on my own. That's where you call your boys. Can you say? You don't lay the law. I don't give a fuck what you like. What's on the menu? I forget the name of it already. Read the fucking menu, Ruth Chris. Read the fucking thing menu. Let's find it. Ruth Chris. It's delicious. I'm sure it is. They pan sear the steaks. We got steak before. I like steak, but I didn't want to waste their gift. What gift? You said it was a gift card. It's not a gift. You're going to take her. You're going to throw something down her throat. They got fish. They got a lot of good things, yeah. She don't like none of those fucking main dishes. Read the main dishes to me.

Let's see. Read the main dishes. She don't like none of those dishes. That's what you're trying. Barbecue shrimp, lamb chops, chicken breast. She don't like none of that either, right? What else don't she like? She hates awesome. What else? That's what they have. They have lobster. They got a lot of stuff. She don't like none of that. She rather eat a fucking pizza. No, you have to explain that. What the fuck you're going to eat tonight? For free. For free. A steak dinner. For free. Lobster. For free. Yeah. It's a travesty of American justice. What did you eat the second time I called? That night. Tell them. I forget what night it was. The second time. Last week when I called.

The Chinese place? She wanted to go get Chinese. We went together. I like Chinese too. We went to the Chinese on yellow fucking time. Uncle Joey gave me a Ruth Chris. You gotta go. You gotta go. 100%. You gotta go. We're going. That's it. Put your shoes on. Let's go. I don't really think. Night out. You get to dress up a little bit. It's kind of like it. They got barbecue shrimp. Yeah. You're gonna like it. This is Ruth Chris. This is white people. These are white people. One thing you're gonna be around white. These are people you're gonna protect and serve. These are people you're gonna be around. These are fucking white people. Well, I don't get out. You're going. Shut the fuck up. Get dressed.

Oh, fuck. This is what I deal with. This is my stepson. This is what God has inherited me. But you make these rules and then you break them. I don't make no rules and break them. You just said what is with bacon on sandwiches and you ate a club sandwich because your wife got one. Before that one was the last time I made a club sandwich. I don't know. Never, Lee. BLT is the only thing I ate it with bacon on. You're not a fan of the bacon? I'm a fan of bacon but not on everything like this new generation. Yeah. You don't need it. It's like you don't need it. It's a double non-tundra. If you can. So you're just saying bacon by itself. Listen, I'll get Oscar Mayer thin cut bacon.

Yeah. I smoked the joint. I ate the whole package if it's fried deliciously. I ate it solo with butter. I'll dip my bacon in butter. Drone butter? I don't give a fuck what it's like. Just on the stick. I love fucking bacon. One chop of butter, one bite of bacon. But this new white America, they think they got to put bacon on everything. It's fucking mind boggling. It's a club. What club? I took a little brown sugar and a little Dijon mustard. He was telling me. I whip it up, put the bacon on a baking sheet, slathered that little mixture on the top 450, come out bacon sticks. If I told him I made cinnamon glazed bacon, he would come over and

let the air out of my tires. He'd just be nice to you. Would you eat Dijon cinnamon bacon? Cinnamon brown sugar, sorry. Cinnamon. You don't put cinnamon on bacon. I miss the East Coast. That's what I'm saying to you though. That's it enough. No more of this shit. You should though. The East Coast fucking eating now. It's an egregious representative, bro. You can't turn into one of these fucking people out here. You got to go to Ruth Chris. I love it. This fucking guy, Astros is great too. He won't do nothing. How long you guys been together? A year and a half. Yeah, that's a long time. You got to start telling them, listen, this is what's going on.

Ugg boots, Speedos, and a fucking cape. I don't want to eat this right now. Well, I don't like, I don't care what you like. This is what we're doing. With a sharpie. I'm the Captain Kurgler. It's not a prize last time I fucking checked, all right? A sea trident. Last time I checked, I'm the fucking man here. The fuck what you like. Aviation goggles. That's right. Ugg, Speedo, and aviation goggles. With a sea trident. Like a fucking champion. Roll the skates with sparklers. I'm going to do this, and then I'm going to end up sleeping on your couch. You're not going to do nothing. That's how you get respected.

Not they push you over, then they'll say I got no challenge. If you look at fucking your boy, he's got no girlfriend now. Because he's, nah, nah, nah, nah. You got to fucking step it up. That's a great night on the time, Ruth Chris. Especially in that moment. You got to step it up, though. You got to fucking. Good people watching. The energy in the place is phenomenal. The services. Two times. Top fucking notch. The first time for a pizza, I almost died.

Like my feelings hurt. Like a fucking pizza. But can you tell the whole story? At least give me some credit. We had plans on pizza. We've been dieting since June and we want a pizza. You mean this could have been your cheat meal? This is even worse. Listen to this. Listen to this. Listen to a cheat meal. You took pizza over a full ride to Ruth Chris? Not Domino's. It was. But yeah, she doesn't like steak. This is not the East Coast. So you can live without the pizza.

I eat pizza every 90 days. It don't matter. I'm not eating East Coast pizza. So why am I wasting my calories on West Coast shit pizza? There's no pizza like the one I grew up with. So I refuse to eat it. Nothing. That shit you guys sent me to that that fucking Laurel cat was garbage. That's garbage. We got that's garbage. Garbage. What's your spot? That Laurel Canyon.

That's garbage. Riverside Laurel Canyon. It's garbage. Yeah, I think it's 50 fucking bucks. Garbage. Why it was not 50 bucks? It's a deep dish. It's something bucks.

No, it's on deep dish. Please. You really really want to confuse these people. They have a hard time making regular fucking pizza. You want a deep dish like Chicago. Oh, Jesus. The grains explode. Yeah. Yes. You're fucking crazy.

I asked for Jardinair out here. The guy goes, what are you talking about? Yeah, then add an Italian deli. So then I go, all right, well, give me the give me some beef with the juice on the side. Give me the juice on the side. He goes, what are you talking about? The beef doesn't have any juices. Where was this at?

Some place out in Encino. Somebody's like, this is the deli. You got to go there. This is the Italian deli. Is it where Steve Timon bought you? No, no, no. It was a pal of mine. It's a music guy.

So I go in there and I go, all right, give me some beef with the as you on the side. He goes, because I wanted to tell him so you could go. Domingos. Domingos. Oh, it's really good. Where's the meatball? In Encino. That's the meatball.

They got it. All right. Let's do it. But if you want a nice hot juice sandwich, Roma. Roma, right up the corner. Yeah. We used to always go to Roma. In Hollywood.

No, not a dip. The old like the Chicago. Exactly. Yeah. That's not going to happen. Yeah. Even if you go to Joe Montaigne's place. You're going to confuse the Mexican.

His head's going to blow up. Then they got to place down the corner. It's supposed to be Chicago. It was garbage, too. I've never had deep dish pizza. I'll tell you what, I'll overnight some. Where should I sit? We'll figure it out after.

I'll overnight you some Lumaulnaides, which I like. Where are you going? I'm on a touristy. No, there's a catalog that I got from Chicago called Taste Chicago, where they overnight it to you. And it tastes. When the, whenever Bears games are on, I'll get some and I'll, you bake them. 45 minutes comes in the pan.

All you got to do is take the pizza out of the pan. Lightly oil the pan. Put the pizza back in 45 minutes of 450. Call it a day. It's fucking magical. And tastes just like home. Tastes like you're sitting in the restaurant. It's fucking great.

And it's not super expensive. You'd think to overnight pizza, you know, like a fucking baller from Chicago, but like a two, a two pizza deals like 45 bucks. That's not that bad. No, it's not that bad. So I do that. I'll get beefs and then they got hot dog packs. So you steam the poppy seed buns, you throw the sport peppers on there,

pop some celery salt, that neon green relish and bolder. They used to have a mustard's last stand. That was a Chicago place and they put the pickles in there. Yeah. Yeah. The pepper's googly moogly. It's so fucking good. You had a combo.

Didn't you? When you were in Chicago. Oh, I always get the fucking time. I'm going to San Diego this weekend and Steve Simone has me going to Portillo's on the way back. Oh yeah. Get the fucking cake shake. Did you tell you about that?

No, what's that? They throw a piece of chocolate cake in the shake. And when you're drinking it. Why are you going on the way back? Big chunks of the shake pumped through the drink. It's only 20 minutes from here. They give you a big why. It's Orange County.

It's Orange County, he said. It's La Hombra. It's La Hombra. Yeah. 30 minutes from here. It's fast. I've been there. Okay.

Yeah. Cake shake, man. If you order something bad and embarrass me in there. What should I get? Fucking Paul order something bad. Tell me what to get. And this is all Paula gets. Get a combo?

She's not going to get the combo go. Let's get in the car. Why are you wasting my time? Let's just go get a burrito. Because you're wasting my time with that shit. This is what she needs to eat from now on. Not your folks like chicken from fucking Jersey Mike's. You got to tell this what you need to eat.

You're from the East Coast. You're going to marry me. I'm from the East Coast. You can't be eating that shit around me. No tofu. None of that shit. You're with me. You got to eat a beef sandwich with the sausage.

What's wrong with tofu? It's either beef or sausage. If she says I don't like it. Then let's get back in the car. What are you talking about? What's wrong with tofu? Now I'm going to embarrass me in here. It's like having a tractor trailer load of dick slamming your mouth.

That's what's wrong with tofu. I just like seeing his face turn red. Unless that's a good thing for you. At which point I mean the opposite of that. It's taking me 12 years to take my wife back East. And I've already told them we go on November. This is where you can eat. This is where you can't eat.

If you order this shit, you're going to embarrass me. I'll give you elbow, right? You think I'm kidding you. You are the fettuccino afraid on that white shit. I will fucking strangle you. You understand me? And when I'm in the East Coast, you order... Fettuccino Alfredo's white?

Yes. You order the proper shit. Nobody fucking Italian eats fettuccino Alfredo. That's a dish invented with Gentiles. You got to get the combo with provolone. You can get red sauce with Jardinero on it. Or you could call it with hot dipped. With a hot dog on the side with everything.

Yeah, you're going deep though. And then you get a cake shake. Oh shit. I'm surprised you don't have a problem with the cake shake. And if you're in the pocket and you're ready to go for gold, you split a euros with it. And you do the cake shake is the dismount. So you want to start with a combo,

then you do a hot dog like a sorbet to clean the palate. Then you chop the euros. Gyros, if you're from New York and Jersey. And then you do the cake shake for the dismount. And that's all portillos? Then you do a lap around the fucking restaurant screaming, I am a fucking champion. I am a descendant from Zeus,

sent back from the fucking future to show everyone here how it's done. Sounds good. Party's over. What else is off the limits in New York? Anything stupid. You need to have your own cooking show. No Korean dumplings. Nothing stupid.

Welcome back to nothing stupid. Back to fucking, back to the goods. No papaya dogs. You eat a papaya dog when you're in New York? What's that? Sabret. I'm a sabret guy from old school. What's that place on 57th, the cart with the schwanma,

those guys that got the yellow shirts on? You know what I'm talking about? I don't know. Like 57th and 5th. I don't know. He doesn't eat schwanma? I don't eat schwanma. No, that's a cart though.

The line's down the fucking block. I don't know. You know what I love in New York? I don't mix and match. Candied fucking cashews, those peanuts, the smell of that in the winter. I don't stop with those people either. They're filthy.

Those look disgusting. Oh, they smell good, but they look like they're dirty. I get more than cashews. Yeah, they're horrible. They're filthy. I got a 40-second chain. I get sabret hot dogs. And then there's this other place.

There's these filthy people. And they got those steak on the stick. They marinate them, put them on the grill, they give you a piece of white bread. I'll eat 10 of those motherfuckers in New York City. That's it. No subway, no fucking chain. Well, you're not in New York.

No cheddar. No chain pizzas, no chain nothing. They have a lot of chains and I hate Times Square. That's great. That's disgusting. You don't need, nobody eats in Times Square, only stiffs. Nobody goes to Times Square and eats.

What do you think of Lombardi's? So don't worry about it. You're not going to be there. I don't even know Lombardi's. Lombardi's is over on Spring and Mott in Little Italy. Who the fuck knows? I'm not going into the city. Cold fire.

There's only two places left that do cold fire. One's like a hipstery place and the other's. That's great. I just made pizza from Romans and I'll be just fine. Yeah. They've been there for 40 years. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

Don't, if it ain't broke. You know, they got Stromboli. They got Shrimp Parmesan. Who makes the Shrimp Parmesan? Nobody. Romans has been there. Somebody took a picture last week and they said, I've been coming to Romans every fucking week since I was nine

and I'm 50 something. I came from my hometown. Go to Romans for pizza, Rudy's for calamans or spaghetti or whatever the fuck you want in that realm. I go for Chinese a chance. What do you do? Fiori's in Jersey? Don't need to go nowhere.

If it's not my neighborhood. You're not going? I go there for 50 years. I trust this place. I don't need to go into the city to be cool to drop a name. I don't need to hear from you. I don't need to do that. The city's completely different.

Where do you like to perform when you're in New York? Gotham. Yeah? Gotham. I don't like moving around. I move around here. You're always in traffic here. I'm not going to New York.

What is a slice of pizza in Brooklyn? Listen, that's what I'm saying. There's a slice of pizza in Jersey right by my house. I'm going there for 50 years. It's fucking delicious. I haven't had strong bowling in 20 years. Yeah, because you're not going to get it. It's just I'm old-fashioned.

I'm old-fashioned and that's why I use blue cheese with my wings. I wouldn't even know what ranch is. I don't want ranch in my table. If I was a restaurant owner, I wouldn't allow ranch in my restaurant because I don't want the people that eat that shit in my restaurant. Do you follow me? Like if you eat ranch, I don't want you in my... I'd rather you not come in my establishment.

They gave it to you at the comedy store and I had to take it out of the tray before they handed it to you because you would have thrown a panic attack. I just don't... You know, it's like if you put ranch with wings, you've got life completely wrong. You've got life completely fucking wrong. That does kind of suck when you call and get wings and they say, I'll say like extra blue cheese and that's ranch.

And right there you go. Listen, let's cancel the order because there's no reason to get it. If you had... If you could choose the type of blue cheese, do you go with the blue cheese that's just straight creamy or with the crumbly? I want the crumbles because the wing has to have the crumble. When you bite into the wing, you've got to bite into that blue cheese. That's the whole fucking patois.

Same thing with the celery. You're dipping that fucking celery in there. Get a little nugget in there. Oh my God. That's every fucking celery stick has to have a piece of nugget in it. First time I hear ranch, like the Irvine Improv ranch. What are you talking about? I didn't want to perform here.

I didn't want to perform here. This is embarrassing. Ranch. Ranch anywhere is just... If you have ranch in your establishment, I don't want to do business with you. Because I know the type of person you are. What does that entail?

The type of person? What is the ranch? My blue cheese. You know the ranch people? All the ranch people are the same. They're all nosy and fucking... I'm the nosy. You know, they're all fucking like it.

He won't let somebody at the table get it with him. No, go somewhere else, bro. Go somewhere else. No, brother. You didn't... You told somebody not to sit next to you on Southwest because they had food. Yeah. What do you mean, they were ordering food?

Yeah, some fucking filthy fucking idiot. Some chick that thought she was cool, that was smacking her boyfriend on to do everything. And I was sitting in this thing, so I had two seats here. First of all, I don't want a middle seat. Why do you want to sit here? The rest of the plane is open. Second, you're in a restaurant.

You're sitting with your family and the whole restaurant's empty. And they sit people next to you. Why did you do that? Get them the fuck out of here. Get them out of here. That's why I don't go to that place in Burbank no more. I'm one. Because they always put people next to you.

Brother, the place is empty. Get them out of here, bro. I don't want people next to me. You know, at a movie theater, don't sit next to me. I don't give a fuck what the best seats are. There's a seat everywhere. Get the fuck out of here. I want nobody next to me.

Southwest, you come in, the plane is empty. You want to sit here with food. They came in with... Look at that, some coffees and food. The poor husband, that jerk off. She's like walking around with like a fake fur. And I'm like, you're not sitting here. You're not sitting here.

No, I was coming back. Not sitting here. I refuse to let you fucking sit here. I want food in my fucking aisle. Call the stores. Besides, there's open seats. Yeah. I don't want somebody in the fucking middle.

Bring it in there. Then she sat with somebody with two people in the seat. And I sat here with the whole thing open. And there was a bunch of seats open. If you're on Southwest and you're sitting next to somebody and the plane's empty, you're a fucking asshole. Get up. I don't want nobody fucking next to me.

No, never. Never. At a restaurant, if it's empty, go. Go. I don't want, you know, I don't get that fucking thing. I don't get it. I love kids. But, you know, when you go out, if it's adults out

and you're sitting and like, every time, if you're like, oh, sweet, it's empty. We'll be able to talk. We can hang out, breathe a little bit. A fucking kindergarten comes in and they sit them right next to you. And they're going bananas. Move the other side.

You got, why would you do that? I don't understand. And I've been in the restaurant industry fucking eight, nine years before I started other shit. It's like, you never do that. I don't understand the logic behind that. Together, Lee, no more subway. Jersey Mike's.

Okay. That's good. I like Jersey Mike's. And if you're worried about your diet, you get the regular turkey and provolone, lettuce and tomato. Boom. And they got wheat bread and mayonnaise, light mayonnaise for you. You like light mayonnaise?

I'm not. I don't like that shit. I'm just saying for you. I don't like mayonnaise. Just in case. Okay. You know what I'm saying? Just in case.

You take sandwiches really seriously. I take food really seriously. That's 1,300 pounds. Not because I'm fucking around or, you know, I will never, like never. Like I just, a couple of months ago, Doug, this is how crazy I am. I had a producer that wanted to meet me. And I go, okay, what do you want to meet? He goes, I'll call you when I get lunch and we'll meet.

This guy made a mistake. He was a guy when he went to that Thai restaurant. When he called me, he goes, I'm at the Thai restaurant. Come on over. I go, I don't do Thai, brother. He goes, then come on in. I go, I don't even sit at those fucking places. All right.

I'm not going in there. I know a Thai chick. She was filthy. She had bugs in the house. Listen, I just don't want to go in there. He couldn't believe it. He couldn't, but like he called me. We went out to a different place.

He took me to the Jew place where there's some machine guns. Aroma? Aroma on Sunset, the best. Best, the best aroma. What are you talking about? You never take them out of there, right? No. Why would you?

Why would you? Why would you? Why would you? Why would you? You get mad at me for going to Hollywood. Why would you fucking take it out? They got hummus and they got great bread and they got Jew food. Why would you take it out?

Tell me why. It's no pizza. You better fucking take it out before the next week. Okay. You better take it. I don't give a fuck about Korean food. We're going to Roma's hangout with some Jews. And I'm going to Hollywood that often.

You're going to start fucking going, but you'll go downtown like a fucking half a momo. Let me go downtown. You haven't taken the Roma yet? I haven't taken the Roma. You haven't went to a fucking steak with the fucking steak french fries? Have you been to a Roma? It's good.

Oh. Oh. It's just a ton of food. The salmon salad for lunch. Don't fuck you up in there. The fucking steak on steak fries. They have a cut up steak. They give you on steak fries.

They got this grape bread. They get from Israel with butter on it. That's good. God damn. They got all that juice. I'll try it. I've never been there. Because Yelp.

Let's see what Yelp said. Maybe they'll take an Uber. Maybe they'll have a deal with Uber. We can go on Uber and go to fucking Yelp. Millions of people use Yelp and you're the only person that has a problem with it. Let me go Yelp and Uber. Because I go by love.

I don't need some fucking strange. But how do you find places? I already, I find them myself. I don't need some fucking dumb stranger that lives in this area to tell me that I went to this Chinese place that was exquisite. No, it's not East Coast. So I was exquisite to fucking be.

They don't have an agro. Yeah. So I was going to say, where you go for your agro? I had to stop. Yeah. I had to stop. The green apple. That's yeah.

That's what I was going to say. Yeah. That's the closest. That's not an agro. That's an explosion. They put a bunch of shit in the thing and it explodes. You know what I get when I go there? What do you get?

The French filet mignon. That's what I get with the asparagus. How delicious is that? That's not fucking around. How the fuck is this? Where are you going in China? No, not what you get. Not what you get.

I told you 20 times about that place. You didn't tell me the name of the place. Chinese downtown. It's green apple. You know it's fucking great. Because she found the place downtown. Listen, shut the fuck up. I'm going to drive downtown because you found the place.

I found the fucking place too. I'm in tour down the block from fucking Jerry's. Okay. I told you this three months ago. Well, we go to this place. It's across from... Then you go tell them. Then you go to Santa Monica for dumplings, didn't you?

Because you found the place in Yelp, didn't you? Santa Monica was the cooking class you're in. No, no. But then you went down there for the fucking dumplings two one time. That wasn't that good. Would you do a little service? On top?

Yeah. You could have gone over here, dog. Because that's the best thing they got for sure. What's that? The filet mignon. Doesn't matter. It's so fucking bad. This food sucks if you're from fucking the East Coast.

You can't fall into this league. You cannot fall into it. You can't be taking rides around fucking town. You don't have that time. We're fucking professionals here. You're coming over. I'm taking the students. Then we're going back to the house.

You're putting the bikini on. And we're going to work. What's all this drama? We're putting the bikini on. And we're going to work, dog. Going to work. Putting you to work. What the fuck?

You've been studying all week. It's time to work, Jack. Everybody wants to fucking die and go to heaven. Right or wrong? You told me yourself. You want to have sex. Why are you getting involved? When you're sitting in Koreatown eating,

aren't you just staring at her going, I can't wait to fuck you. But now it's another hour before I get home on the train. Right or wrong? You just sit there really enjoying yourself. They're good, yeah. Like really enjoying yourself. When I take my wife out there the whole time,

I'm looking at her like, I'm going to take you home and fucking punch you and do everything to you dirty bitch. You think I'm worried about that's why I don't get myself involved in that predicament of an hour and a half meal. That's why everything's delivery. Everything's delivery. I'm going to fucking downtown.

It's Friday night. It's dick night. I'm fucking going downtown. I haven't seen your fucking week. You want to take another two hours out of my life to go get fucking dumplings, really? Really? Really?

Friday night is dick night. Dick night at the house. I guess what Saturday night is. Dick night? Dick night again. See Friday. After you dick, then you go to the commies door later. Because you got your dick in there, it doesn't matter.

You want to laugh, laugh, go ahead, what do I get? Then you take them back in another stabbing. They're right or wrong. What do you care? What do you care? We got a fuck. Dick night. I got to do some shout outs here.

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Mick Bettencourt from the Mick Bettencourt podcast. I mean this shows you do a week. Just one. Everyone drops Monday. New episode every Monday. We're on episode 83, 84 drops next week. We're going to piss me off. What?

Huh? With that subway sandwich. Why you got to get me stuff? Still. I'm sorry. I apologize for my lunch choice. No more subway for you. You got a foot long thing.

Hell yeah. Wait till that piece of shit comes out of your ass. What do you want to smell like? That. Just take it out and look at it. It don't even look like real shit. It looks like turkey shit. That's what probably-

Even the shit isn't real? No. It's turkey shit. You lucky I love you. What do you got planned? So when are you leaving? Thursday night. Thursday night.

When do you come back? Sunday afternoon. Look at you. Three day weekend. Everybody's rocking down there. Yeah. It's her birthday. All right.

All right. I can just imagine. She probably wants to eat here. She wants to eat there. What happened? There's no hotels in North Hollywood this fucking weekend. Why would I take her to North Hollywood? Because it's a beautiful town.

That's why. You got to review her. She can see the mountain. That fucking holiday ends 200 a night. And like the car dealership. What are you doing? Let me know what's the weekend until. Let me know.

She has a couple of taco places. We're going to go to Steve's friend by the comedy store. OK. What else? I know there's a by the way. No, it's a bunch of just cool restaurants. Cool restaurants. I don't know.

She went there for college. She likes it down there. You ate the fucking crepes. Just so everyone knows. He makes fun of me for crepe class. But you ate. Did you have you made crepes instead? No.

So what was the fucking use? Again, you want to fucking. You went to the other shit, the macaroon class. How many macaroons have you made since then? None. OK. And what's the other class you went to? Just crepe.

OK. So it was a waste of fucking time because ain't nobody going to cook. You don't fucking cook on the weekends. Lee, Lee, did you go to a macaroon class and a crepe class and you wouldn't go to Ruth Chris to get free steaks? Can you imagine this?

This is what I'm talking about. And he went to the macaroon class at 8 in the morning. Not 8 in the morning. 10 in the fucking morning. Do you, I mean, because you can share Gmail calendars, does she give you an opportunity to schedule time to see your balls? Not yet.

That's on the agenda. Do you get that? That is insane, though, that you would do, that you're that caring. Yeah. You wouldn't go. I mean, do you not like steak? I love steak.

I've been, I've been, I've gotten steak with him a few times. I don't understand. I don't understand. But the Santa's is a very nice gift. I didn't want to waste it if she didn't like it. She gets her steaks well done. Why am I going to go to that?

Well, he, he'd say fuck what she gets. She that night, she wasn't getting dick. She was no dick night. That's a no dick night. She was going to sit there and watch you eat a steak. That's where you was. Maybe if she was good, you let us smell it. In your me on these.

You imagine that? Two times I called them door, come over. Now we want pizza. We got a diet and Pete. Now again, if it was pizza sent out from New York, I could see it. Oh shit, Lee, you get some pizza sent. Yeah.

It's a special occasion. Fucking vomit he got from Laurel Canyon that he made me vomit. He made me go get it. I did not mean you asked me where it was. And I told you it's good pizza. It was great pizza. Is it as good as a pizza in your neighborhood?

Or how would I know? You go to fucking Little Ceasars. I don't go to, they didn't have Little Ceasars in Boston. What they have? What do you get? Tell me you went to next pizza and know you didn't. I went to Sudbury pizza. What is it?

It's the town where I grew up, Sudbury. Is it good? Did you take Paula there? No. And we didn't go, it was snow when I was back there. Why wouldn't you take Paula there? Because it's a 45 minute drive in the snow. I thought it was in the whole fucking town.

Yeah, but my mom was in there Boston now. Oh, okay. Did they have any pizza in Boston you took it to? Yeah. What's which one? My favorite place in Boston's are Nestos, because I lived in the North End, the Italian section. It's a small place.

They do the big slices you like. They just put it in for like two minutes, let it heat up. It's great. Did you take it there? No, we didn't go. We didn't, we were there for like four days. That's the pizza you take it to, and then when you bring it here,

you go we ain't eating this shit out of here no more. That's the pizza you should have taken at there in Nestos ago. This is pizza. So don't ever ask again. Like if it's not in Nestos, I'm not fucking eating it. I'm a East Coast guy, I'm to the bone here. No California kitchen, no nothing.

When you go to fucking in Nestos, you're gonna look me in the face and tell me that Laurel Canyon is as good as in Nestos. No. What is it compared to in Nestos? Tell me the truth. If for Nestos is a 10, what is that Laurel Canyon place? Six and a half, seven, four.

No, not a four. A four. No more pizza, Lee. You've never been to. I don't need to fucking go. You're just making up numbers, then they can't even work. We all have in our Nestos and every neighborhood. Yeah.

And nothing that you're ever gonna eat is gonna match up to that. So I can't give, I'm not gonna have pizza for the rest of my life? Never. It's not gonna. Never. The only place I eat pizza is at that mall.

That fucking shows pizza from New York. Oh yeah, yeah. And San San Juan is right on the, yeah. No, right up here in the front. Just bill one. That's the same guy that started Santa Monica. That's good. That's where you fucking go for slices.

Where? Joe's. To Joe's. Not Joe Peeps. Joe's. No, Joe Peeps is fucking puke too. Yeah, Joe's. Oh my God, I was hungry.

I was an acupuncture when I went to Joe Peeps. I fucking shit in the backyard. I mean, went right through the sauce, went right from my mouth, right to my ass. Like I threw away both slices. That's how bad Joe Peeps was. I threw away both fucking slices, Lee. They used artificial cheese.

I could tell cheap cheese. That's what they don't know out here. That's the difference. It's that fucking cheese. The cheese is fucked up and the water is fucked up. That cheese is fucking up. Does water make that big of a difference? Because you always see them bringing New York water

for bagels and stuff. But that lasts for a week. And then they've realized they have people who buy bagels at a store from the East Coast. And they go, why am I doing this? That's why all those people, when I first moved here, the pizza was in Redondo Beach next to the County Magic Club. That was the end all be all.

That was the word. They have gallons of water from Jersey. But then I was talking to the guy and he goes, well what? These fucking Gentiles will eat fucking Domino's. They're from the East Coast because it's that 99 of fucking pizza. You know? No.

This is what you get if you're from there. I went to Long Island one time on the elevator. There was a kid with a Domino's thing. I had to control myself eating this fucking kid. Just swinging at him and his parents for being so fucking stupid and ignorant. You understand me? What about the guy at Domingo's?

You got like a turkey sandwich? Oh, I was going to beat him to a white dude with slippers on. He got a fucking turkey on white. You could have done this in Subway or fucking Rouse. Boar's head, please. No, he didn't get Boar's head. I don't want to pay the extra premium. I want the regular turkey.

Listen, get the fuck out of here. Go to fucking Subway and eat that shit. I love you, cock suckers. Buffalo Helium. See you this weekend. Columbus, see you the following week. We'll be back Monday with a new fantastic podcast. We're doing mushrooms on Monday.

We're getting fucked up with my man Lee. It's over. We're doing mushrooms on Monday? Fuck yeah. Thank you, Mick, for coming on. I love you. Please support Mick Bettencourt. Follow him on Twitter.

What is it? At Mick Bettencourt. And follow him. If you go to his shows, he's a solid dude. I love him. He's like my brother. So we're sure. You were just on Mick Bettencourt.

That's right. Yeah, yeah, a couple episodes ago. Thank you. Thank you. All right. This show is sponsored by NatureBox. Don't forget to go to naturebox.com and sign up to get your free sample box. No more Subway.

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