#252 - Sarah Tiana, Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt
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01:20You think you're fucking flying around commando with wings onGo to me on these comm slash joey get 20% off your first order and right nowThey give you free shipping in the United States in Canada. OhShit so Wednesday motherfucking night right hereIt's snowing everywhere. We're over here fucking living like doctors the church of what's happening now bitchesSaratiaJoey Diaz and your main man the flying Jew kick it LeeOh
02:22That's it suck it that's itFlick it you filthy fucking animal. It's Wednesday night. What are you gonna do sit there Tuesday night?What are you gonna do sit there? What's dancing with stars like a fucking mutt get your shit together motherfucker?Saratiana in-house the flying Jew. What's up, baby? I'm already fucked up. That's the fucking gold. That's the processThat's the result is telling you before Sarah got here that you've only seen me other than onceI think with Steve Simone. You've seen me. I've always been fucked upShe ain't judging nobody judging you Saratiana. Don't give two friends. No, but we saw you at the storeAnd you thought I was too nervous to come say hello, but I was just fucked up and we were by the car
03:03And you're like, oh, he's just nervous. I'm like, I'm fucked upAre you sure you weren't just nervous and fucked up that might that might be what happened?Look at me was a little blue shirt on what'd you get that shirt from? Oh, maybe look at sureBig spenderListen man fucking on Navy it it scratches the itchWell, I just I don't want to buy all new clothes in the middle of losing weightBut I need some news to shake cuz the old stuff just it looks like it looks ridiculous when I wear itSo it's crazy how many times they used to be an old Navy down by coconut Grove
03:37When I do the improv I go right the fucking old Navy because they sold that shitThey're cheap. Yeah, it's Miami. You can only wear that in Miami for a month. Yeah, so you go down and I'm likeThat's that's Michigan where that's fucking Midwest where for me busted. I go on and buy a whole wardrobe for 1850. YeahYeah, yeah, it's like three undershirts forMartians all those places across the country. Oh, especially when you're in TexasYou're a fat motherfucker. Just hold off on clothing. Just wait. Do you go to Texas?There's a 2x a 9x everywhere else, you understand me they make those Texas people feel nice about themOh my god, I just got back from Texas. I love it. It was my first time to Austin. It was so amazing
04:19I've never been to Austin. I was like in love the whole time and we I was with Russell PetersSo we played Austin City Limits. Oh my god. It was like2500 I think you could still smell the music. YeahI mean, it's like Willie Nelson was the first person to play thereSo it's like and I'm like, you know country girl like I grew up on like 80s countrySo like Willie Nelson and like Randy Travis and Ronnie Milstaff and shit like that that I just like love and likeIsn't my dream just to go to that venue. So to be able to perform there wasHe was living in there for a fucking while. Really? I guess that's uh, Stephen Ray Vaughan live from
05:00Austin City Limits. That's one of the big albumsDo you get and do you get into that too Joey? Like excited for playing a specific venue or even if it's not a musicMoney, but just like a cool old comedy club for the first timeI guess for a minute. I guess yeahSome of the thing wears off after a few times that you playBut every time I'm there, I always remember why I'm there. It might not be Thursday nightIt might not be Friday night, but by Saturday the second show I realized why I'm there andWell, the last time I was here kind of bombed the first show on Saturday
05:32This time I did well, you know, you look at who performed there. Well, when I first walked into the storeI was in aweYou know just being on that carpet that original room that little space. Yeah that little space. Oh my godI've died there and lived there andThat was like the first time I went to the condo at the comedy storeDown in La Jolla and like that was before they redid it, you knowThey redid it recently so like all the furniture kind of made you itch and it was like wicker and I was likeYeah, but that might have been his fault
06:02This is also, you know, like kinesin probably passed out on this couch. So it's okay. I'll take those cootiesI saw some weird shit in that fucking condo. That was like I saw a rat in thereOh, I saw a rat in there. That was fucking so big. I just put the clothes back. Did you see?I'm gonna tell you another story. I saw a rat in there. That was so fucking big. Then I seen his cousin outsidein front of the fucking jointBut the best was one I was passed. I was doing blow. No, he can Zala has a bunch of us were down thereAnd I opened up they had the headliner room and I opened it up and there was a chick face downNo, completely fucking naked
06:40Legs spreadAnd when I walked by her like Christmas morning, it's a gift. Oh my god, but there was other guyswomen in the room there was liketwo chicksAnd like three guys, but they were like the guys that worked at the barLike the guys that worked at the La Jolla Comley store. Oh, wowAnd the chick was just laying and I just left I was like, that's fucking amazing. Let's come of my lifeYeah, I don't I don't see that anymore. It's just dirt and filth
07:06But like I remember one time before they renovated itI had brought like food and I opened up the microwave to heat it upAnd all of these flies and maggots flew outSomebody had left something in there that literallylikeTurned from maggots to flies to like every, you know, like it had been in there a whileThe fucking vultures came out. Yeah, I was like no one in the store. They'll try to clean thisThey won't just buy a new microwave
07:34Fucking ideally like you're they gonna makeYou know clean this those couches, but yeah when you're a comic and you first go to la JollaYou've made it. Oh, yeahThe first time you go to la Jolla, you overlook everything the dirty tubs. They used to be aroma milk walking. It's still thereUh, whatever the fuck it is the comedy club in Milwaukee. It was owned by a bikerHe was the vp of the fucking club and whatever the and they whatever they did. Who knows he had a strokeBut he was huge. This guy was six six four hundredAnd on Thursday night, it was mandatory
08:09That all the comics and him went out to this place. They closed the restaurant just for you and their specialty was prime ribAnd you ate prime rib till it came out of your fucking eyeballs onAnd then on saturday no matter what the weather wasHe cooked outside it could be it's Milwaukee guys. WhoaPackers snowHe grilled outside steaks and you could buy intoWhatever he cooked like the people who come into the showBut the condo
08:38Was so disgustingThe tub was fucking themThe furniture that they had a water bed in the bed liners room from the 70sStill the same water probablyAnd it just shook and I slept on it for one night. I couldn't I couldn't I was like no fucking wayYou know, you who knows but when you first go and you're on the roadYou overlook that. Oh, you're like, this is being a comic, you know worst condo everChilku charlies. Oh in Alaska. Oh my fucking god
09:11The windows were broken. So they just put tape and cardboard all of themThe room I was in was a third of this roomIt was a bedWhen they showed me the room the sheets it's like somebody slept in there the night beforeAnd the sheets were like sideways on them like they just got up in a rush or somethingOh, you don't fucking know I just stayed up there like last year and how was the condo?It was like a triplex though. It's like a it wasn't it was a house this timeWas it across the street? It was down the street. Okay. This was
09:41And how old was it? Was it clean? I mean, it was pretty clean. They still do comedy in Chilku charlieYeah, yeah, I was just there like a year ago. Who books it? Um stan hopes buddy. Yeah, and IYeahDaveRight, I don't remember his nameHe hasn't booked me again. So I said fucking lioChilku charlies. Yeah, it was fun. I mean they gave me a car. They gave me like this like, umOld beat-up SUV, but it like it felt great. I felt like I was in the country again
10:10Like it was really hard to close the door like you had to slam it like a bunch and I was afraid I was going to getLocked in there and likeUm, sometimes the gas pedal stuck. I was like, this is like growing up the cars. I had to drive growing upYou know, I was there in 95 opening up for Todd Jordan. WowAnd I took biggest mistake in my life. I took the stripper with meIt was four daysOh in alaska, yeah, it's already four days of how to bring this girl with meI'm surprised you did that because I was stupid. I didn't know at that age. I didn't know I was an open miker
10:44I was just starting to featureAnd I said, let me bring her up then she was a stripper to the end. She's still stripping. NoYeah, she's still stripping 20 years later. She works as a psychologist and she stripsI spoke to her last week on the way to somewhereThe boyfriend she had because she was engagedHe went to jailHe just got out friday because she posted a picture on my facebookI mean this chick this poor girl's the kisser. She does psychiatry and she's a stripper
11:11Well, that's good. So she can give herself her own help. She's a millionaire. NoYeah, and the place she works at it's hand jobs forBlow jobs for 100 and she'll fuck you for 200She still does that still doesn't wow. I know it off the books and she's said it to me. You know, yeah, she's crazyThis chick is fucking crazy that's sticking true to your rootsI remember the one I first started dating when they she came up. She goes some guy offered me 60 bucks toSuck my asshole to lick my asshole and I go did you take it and she goes no because he was a truck and he had coffee breathWhen somebody's like that's how fucking demented she was guys
11:48But anyway, I love it across the street from choco was a fish storeMm-hmmThey had the halibut and they grilled this halibut and a bunch of bodybuilders were going thereAnd I remember going in and a piece of fish was fucking off the charts like lemonypeppery reallyNo, there wasn't any like it was really hard for me to find a good restaurant up thereYeah, I ended up finding like kind of like like this organic place that like made their own stuffSo it was a little bit better
12:20But like everything was just like tater tots and fried pickles and stuff like that, which is deliciousI can eat that for a couple days, but not at seven, you knowAny like whole like good, you know, and you're in Alaska. You're like, I want salmon and halibut like all the good fish from hereWas it freezing?No, I was there in um, I think OctoberUm, and there's not I just I thought in Alaska. They'll just know all the all around. No, no, no, no, noNo, I went for a hike on the on that mountainMount uh, it's called like a flat top mountain. It's like a two-hour hike. It was beautiful
12:56You can see the whole town and then I went to a park and like looked for moose because there were like moose droppings everywhereIt was weirdI went to like some reservoir where there were bearsHow long was how long was the week up there? It was uh five or six days. I think yeahIt was a whileBut you know, they only do it for like a third of the year because it's darkFor part of the timeAnd then the rest of the time is summer and nobody goes out
13:24Like there nobody goes to see comedy when it's nice out because they only have like a couple months of like really great weathersoIt's hard to get people to come to a showI was a long fucking time. Yeah, they still do it. Yeah. I feel like maybe the location might be different tooReally like mooch open challenge. I mean, I don't it's a huge place. Do you remember? Yeah, there was another placeI remember playing there. Do you remember uh darwin hines? He was a comicum at the comedy storeDefinitely when you were there like the before the you know, I remember the name
13:57old black guy and he uhHe had a joke about pope benedict. He was like pope benedict. Wait, you ain't no omelet motherfuckerLikeAnd we used to crack up because like that makes no senseBut it was so funny just the way he said it and he took me up there the first time and it was it was another clubthat it was like downtown and it was like an embasement of this bar and uhI because there were two at the time there were scoots and then there was another one and they still just they still doCoots, but they don't do the other one. They do two in Anchorage and there was one in the other town
14:31When you would shoot downtown a little propeller plan. Oh, yeah, no, I did not take it for helpI never is no, I wouldn't take it. I got roof feed there the first time I was okayAnd nothing bad happened to meI'll just say that before I finish the storybut yeah, I could tell because I because the owner would take us out to dinner every night andUh, I had a big dinner and then I had like half a drink and I couldn't walkAnd then I realized it so and they said, you know to be careful, you knowBecause it's a big problem up there and you know, they're like 13 men to one woman and
15:02That's what they say about Alaska. The odds are good, but the goods are odd. That's like they're saying up thereAnd uh, and it's trueBut I think it was a girl that did it to meI bet yeah, because I remember I won't I went to my hotel roomI was really hard for me to get my contacts outI remember that and I remember laying down and I woke up in my clothes the next day and my boyfriendAaron Cater at the time like called me. I was like, how do you have this number?He's like, you called me four times last night. Just telling me
15:33crazy storiesAnd I had no recollection to this day. I have no recollect which is the weirdest thing like that's the weirdest part about likesomething like that happening to you like not having a memory isCrazy have you been roofing before that was the only timeAnd to this day is the only time but you know when I think about likeAll this cosby shit and stuff going down and I'm just like it's like the scare and like nothing bad even happened to meExcept that to like I don't have thatI've lost all of that memory like that chunk of a night when apparently I was making phone calls and
16:08You know like who knowsLike I probably was so fucked up. I watched like an adam sandler movie or something crazy. I mean horribleI'm just joking. I'll tell you what's fucking nuts thatI just read the last accusationOf this fucking savage from 1969 or whatever whatever the lady that was the publicistAnd he he was friends. He introduced him to the wifeAnd he would go to the house to watch movies or something that latest oneShe woke up and he had a robe on and stuff
16:40but it was too early because uhNobody really knew about date rain, right?I gotta tell you something. I sat there for about seven minutes. Just listen because I had the earphones onListen to music while I was reading itAnd I thought of all the fucking creepy shit. I've done all the creepy shit. I've done, you knowI've never wanted to do something like that. Like it was never in myIf you can't get a piece of pussy straight up, then don't get it. That's it. You ask themYou enter you know, you get a little creepy. You push a little bit
17:12Let's do another cocktail if it says no, let's say that's that's that's that's theYou know, that's the human thing to doYou know, there used to be a chick. I used to get drunk because I knew if I'd get a drunkI'd give her a stabbingBut then she kept hanging out with me. So nobody's feelings got hurt. You know what I'm saying?She like getting drunk with uncle joeybutBut
17:34When you give like when you trick somebody and fuck them when they're passed outYeah, like think about it. You're fucking somebody when they're passed outThat's a complete different that's a whole different phobia sickness. UmWell, that's like an addiction like that. It's like it's like fucking a cadaver like right build up fucking cadaverSo what do you do? Do you take pictures of these women?I mean this guy, how do I feel about it? That's what he was into. I think it was a power thingI think was it anybody else that you know, is he the only guy that's ever done this? I mean, no, butThis guy is just I mean for years. He's walked around with no conscious
18:10Right, and it's just and he's laid his judgment on others on others and have you fucking awayYeah, and to and to just think of what he did in a minute way that he drugged a womanHe got their trust or whatever the fuck he did and yeah, maybe the girls are playing with fire tooI always think like what are they doing in the room? I meanI was raised on the different things Saturday. Yeah, I was raised that if i'm dating sarah tiaAnd I got up to go to the bathroom at least it's next to sarah. It's sarah's job to say hey dogGet the fuck up. Mm-hmm. Now people chit chat everybody wants to be your fucking friendSo, uh, you know, you got a boyfriend. What the fuck you don't hang out with joe d is it during the morning?
18:51Come on. Yeah, we're friends. What the fuck?Everybody wants to be fucking friends and when people get smacked. I were just friendsWhat the fuck so I was raised that there's boundaries. You see your friend's girlfriend out you waveYou have to say nothing or go up hug him. Where's your boy? Oh, he's working. I'll give you a rideWhy are you putting yourself there? You just wave from a distance. That's how I was raised and you eliminateAll the fucking riffraff, but you know a girl's got a husband. You know the guy's got a wifeHe's a movie star you move to laThe guy calls you and says meet you in a restaurant. He wants to talk about your career
19:26We don't know better, right? I mean, you don't know about the first lot of thingsMost of these girls were between 15 and 19. So I I think you're really naive. YeahSo I think you're really naive to a lot of the situation that you're getting into and you goOh, this is that sweet guy from tv. Like you don't think that he's gonna do something horrible to youIt's like mr. Rogers, you know, you don't but he wasn't mr. Rogers in 1969He was a fucking comic that was on i spy is some fucking tv. Yeah, this is for sureEven thenYeah, I mean most of these are from the 80s though, right? Most of these allegations are from the 80s
20:05Is it the 80s? I thought it was 1969The new the last one that came out was 69But yeah, it was all through the 80s probably just until you couldn't fuck anymoreIf you think about itWell, I think that what I'm more disturbed about is I think that there are a lot more people that knew about itA definitely other comics like a definitely his wifeWell, his wife moved back to boston to get away from him when just nowWell, no, like when they were because they moved out
20:28I read one of the first articles that said they they moved out here and then she didn't like the way he was actingSo they she moved with the kids back to boston and he would go back and forthYeah, I mean, I feel like you you your hand is on the coffee cup your fingerprints are on there, tooIf you knew about it and didn't say anythingI mean your guilt, you know what I mean, like it's it'sand my for almost always my first uhinstinct is to say wellMaybe these people are just trying to get money and it doesn't even have to be right, but any kind of situation like this
21:01But now that there's like 20 or 30Oh, yeah, I just I think it's for me. It's me hanging on to the Cosby show mr. CosbyWho that everyone loves and it'sYou don't want to think that they're doing thatNo, you don't want to think that but that's usually the people that are the most fucked up or the people that haveThat are like living this like straight edge life, you know what I mean?Like not being honest and forefront all the time, you know, I mean who's gonna be like my addiction is to cross through a sleepI think somebody's gonna talk about that but when I was when I was I was fucking crazy and I was doing drugs
21:34And and you know, I've heard of a thousand drug stories. I was never a pill guy. I was a coke guySo you were always awakeI was hoping you'd fucking fall asleep. You're always fucking awake, you knowBut I was thinking about one night. I gave a girl aspirinI told it was coke. I crushed up aspirin and she was fucked up on the aspirin guys. It wasRight, it was this whole mental thing. I was at this thing and this girl was annoyingI guess she kept saying I know you have cocaine. I know you have cocaineHold on one second and I crushed up a fucking bear aspirin and I put an aluminum foil
22:09I made like a big scene. I just got this from nori anger don't tell nobodyAnd I put it out and she snorted and all some guys she started fucking joinAnd I hip started it was the wildest thing I fucked aroundI've done that shit. Yeah, but uh, I don't know. I just don't get she's passed the fuck outHow much fun could that fucking be and it can't I don't think it has to be a sex thing becauseProbably feel cause we went to any bar. He could get really anybodyThat's the problem. The problem is I think that the addiction is that he can't get anybody. That's not what he wantsHe wants somebody that doesn't
22:45Know what he's doing. I mean, who knows what he's doing to them while they're asleep. You know what I mean?He could have all these so like the only way he can get off is like some certainLike rubbing his dick on your face or something like who knows what it isAnd maybe he just doesn't want to have to deal with telling somebody that so he gets them to go to sleepAnd then does whatever he doesI read the one where he gave the girl the girl said she had a headacheAnd he gave her the pill but he didn't rape but she got out of thereBefore it happened or something like that. But she realized that she wouldn't nobody would ever believe her
23:19Walks around with these fucking pillsSomebody's gotta have a record of these pills. It's gotta be a doctorYou know, he was at a party one night. Well, are there other prescriptions the spanish fly bit too, right?Listen, the spanish fly was something you bought out of a fucking magazine in the 70s. All right, andLike I said, one time me and my buddies bought it ordered it and we didn't know who to give it toSo we gave it to one of the guys grandmother. This isn't a fucking joke. What is it?It's supposed to get your horned up. We just put it in a girl's drinkIt was a capsule and you open up the capsule and he makes a girl like crazy. Yeah, but it was sold
23:56But okay, so this is let's say where'd he get this stuffYou know, one guys get together at those creepy fucking hollywood partiesAnd there's always that one guy that's like, oh my god, you want to get laid?Give this to a chick. You'll fuck her all night, you knowAnd when I was growing up it was quaillardsSo this is a girl did a quaillard. I never zapped a girl with a quaillardI always asked the girl you want to do a half a lude and they look at you and then you'd sayYou know what's gonna happen and they giggle because they call them like spreaders
24:28But that only happened to me like two times when a girl took one and you took them home and everybody was copicetic on the fucking morningThat was something that was consensual. Yeah, because you were partying. Everybody's doing copeYou asked her if she wanted it. She said yeahYou want a half a biscuit, but I tell you sarah you do this half a biscuitThey call them like spreaders for fucking reason. That's what they call themBut where the fuck did you get those things the legs betters?No, no, he's talking about roofiesYeah, I don't know where you even get those
24:58I mean that's definitely I used to get them in boulder when I lived in boulderA friend of mine used to get them. They were in aluminum foil. Whatever they called roofing all roofing all. YeahI was eating them myself. I was splitting themEating them and going to parties and just doing a couple bumpsMm-hmm. Why were you taking roofing all?Because it wasn't down. It was a party. It's they're not badYou're not gonna black out unless you fucking you're not you get gum beat up at this time. You also were doing cokeI wasn't yeah, I wasn't three fucking hundred pounds. Then this is when I was
25:30But you do a roofie with coke that's different, right?I know I was really fucking poor thenAnd the roofies are like four bucks five bucks and my friend had a neon shopAnd I'm it's coming to me now we get the roofies up there and they came in aluminum foilAnd I popped the fuel them and then once I went to a barbecueAnd the kid the host's daughterWas like what's going on? What do you have for the head? I go on and that's a roofieAnd we each ate a roofie when I got a gram of blood and we ended up back in the house
25:58But we didn't fuck we passed out swapping spinners. I never heard of people taking roofies themselvesI always I was that all no you could eat those fucking things. Oh JesusYeah, I mean and I also heard of a pill called the Paris bluesOkayWell, I took 198 because I went to I always get educated on the church justLike I don't know anything about when I was a senior in high school. I was friends with this guyHe was the driver red teacher in high school and he was also the one of the football coaches in the run backAnd I really liked him
26:33He was there for me after my mother diedThe Cadillac company the Cadillac company gave him two CadillacsWith pedals on both sides. He would take you out to lunch. You could just sign up at 945With mr. McGrath and you couldTalk mr. McGrath or anythingSo me and all my buddies broke sign up for 945 sign up for 945We'd all call him mr. McGrath and we'd make him first take us to chans dragon andAnd then we mr. McGrath pull over at the liquor store. Are you fucking guys kidding me?
27:06Come on mr. McGrath pull over at the liquor store. So we make mr. McGrath pull over at the liquor storeWe buy an eight pack of nipsThe six ounce beers there's six ounce and they ate two or things so you could drink those real fastSo we go to chans get a steak on a stick. I would drive on the way to chansFor driver get it in. Yeah when you were 16 and a half you drove to chansOh, is it student first and then we switched drivers and we'd go to liquor store and then switch drivers againThen go someplace close to the school and then put McGrath in the driver's seatWe pop the eight beers and go back to the high school. This is fucking crazy. I'm telling this story
27:41So this went on with mr. McGrath was a cool motherfucker. I love mr. McGrathSo this went on throughout our junior year and senior year one time in the car. We were in union cityWe were at this plate. There was a car valve. You know the car values. It's a tremendous ice creamOh, the car valve ice cream. Yeah. Yeah next to it was a bar called the bottom of the barrelOkay, where if you leave that sounds like a fancy place. It was hugeThis place was huge too far out of the barrel. It was a mafia placeThat if you read Henry Hill, yeah, if you read Henry Hill's book, that's we had real hung outA lot of the gambino's hung out there in Jersey on the Jersey side. So me and mr. McGrath
28:18We're driving. I'm like mr. McGrath. I gotta show you something and I whipped out a double barrel shotgunIn those days, the double barrel shotgun was the thing you put in your noseHad two barrels and then it turned into one like a straw and I had a spoon at the endAnd you would scoop up blowing just go and do itSo we're in the car. I'm a fucking senior. It's likeNovember of 81 and I'm in the car. He's driving and the car starts stalling, right?And I'm like mr. McGrath watch this and he smoked camel cigarettes non-filterOh, wow. So his fingers were orange. Yeah, and he had a mustache and it was orange
28:54So I used to call him camel breath and he would lose his mind, right?And I remember doing the double barrel shotgunRight in front of like nothing and he's like, what the fuck are you doing? I get 10 years and that was itWe never discussed drugs again. He was pissed at me for a whileAnd the day I graduated I graduated like on the thursdayOnce I was officially out of school one day. We were having a conversationWe bought blow. I that's what happenedWe stole blow and I told him I had it and he came over with another teacher, mr.
29:24Teranova saved my life a year laterAnd then mr. T came over and I was like two o'clock jones and they're like, so we hear you hit the mother-loveWhat we don't get and I go here's a gram and then mr. T goesLet me get another gram come by the school on friday and I'll pay you he was teaching summer schoolThis is fucking tremendous, right? Oh my god. This is all coming to you. NoThis is like a tuesday. I give mr. McGrath the fucking blowI call tea and I go mr. T. Do you have that 60 bucks and he goes called georgeSo I call mr. McGrath and mr. McGrath did the 60 bucks. He goes come over
29:57So I go to mr. McGrath's houseHe I walk up the stairs. He's a little have you been to his house before?Maybe maybe not at this point. I go to his house. It's june of 82I woke up the fucking stairs. He goes come on come into my roomNow I'm feeling a little fucked up. I come into my bedroomWe go in his bedroom. He goes locked the door locked the doorHe goes in his closet. He takes a box and they takes another boxTakes a mirror down with those pimple mirrors
30:25It's got coke on it and he goes you think that shit you gave me the other night was coke taste this shitHe puts the mirror down. I'm looking at him going. What the fuck did you get this nose on my blast? I'm fucked upAnd he starts taking the old hat boxesHe's taking them opening them up and taking our bags of blow and he goesDo you know what I've been doing for the last three years you fucking did he I deliver cokeFor people who don't want to spits aroundHysterical so let's say you're white and you're a dentist. You don't want a spanish person delivering cocaineThey would call him he would deliver the blow with a suit on. Hey, he's a real estate guy. Yeah, how you doing?
30:58Because he looked good. He was a bill. He was a bill guy. You could pass him as a school teacher as a coach whateverSo that became our relationship for about that was it we were just tight me in the camp when I would go to theSatsumograph give me an eight ball. I give you the money tomorrow. I owe this guyClose to 1800 fucking dollars and one night he goes, all right, you got to make deliveries with meSo he took me to a partyIt was like a very fancyLike people drinking wine. I had never seen that before like wineI don't like a wine glass
31:28Like I hang out at a bar where people drink fucking like people drink wine. I don't fucking glassThese motherfuckers were sniffing it and eating grapes and shitSo he gave the coke to this fucking lady and the lady gave himThis little in those days, there was this little manila envelopesAnd then the manila envelope was two pillsAnd I go one of these and he goes here take theseHe goes take them when you're fucked up. I'm blow but only take a half of themAnd I go what on and he goes they call they call them Paris blues on the street
32:01Not just these fucking people eat. They don't eat quailas. They go a little level aboveOh, and you know me. I'm these are the wine drinkers with the Paris blues. Oh, that sounds so you understand meThey were eating Paris blues. They weren't drinking it at the bottom of the barrel barFucking tremendous. Oh my god. So we went I ate the whole fucking Paris blue. NoFuck up. I woke up on somebody's couch and I'm like, what happened? Oh, you don't knowAnd then I robbed the gas station with lubesThis is still going on. This is the summer night. No, maybe about three weeks later. My tab was up to about 1800I got them for like six eight balls at 300
32:41And I called we had robbed this gas station because my buddy worked there and there was an inside jobSo it was perfect. We robbed themWe counted the fucking money and there was a bag a brown bag and it was filled with dollar billsIf you looked at it and I go, sir, what's in here? You go 10,000PerfectWe call mr. McGrathMr. McGrath, you got any coke? I got nothing. Fuck it. You're shut down. Don't call me until you have my 1800I got you 1800 and then some cocksucker
33:09Be on your corner with an eight ball five minutes and I remember pulling up. He's outside all nervousWe just gave him the bag. He looked at it. He was way you guys got this don't ask and we gave him 10We also robbed those booklets to get into new york city without moneyTo the ones that you gave the toll because it was the last gas station in jerseySo they had thousands of those things those things were 50 bucks a pieceWe were pimping them out for 20 bucks after we gave the camel two of them. He was all excitedBut an hour later I call him back. Mr. McGrath. How was that? Fuck youThere was only 300 dollars in there because there was 300 singles, but it looked like a fucking, you know, right
33:45Who gives a fuck? We say I I just want to take you throughSo the Paris blues like what was the difference and like that you said it was like fancier than a quayIt was it was a I used to eat all those crazy things at least one timeI don't even know what a quail would do to youSo I don't even know why i'm asking the question like what's the difference because I don't even knowLike you drink a vodka. You like what are you like? What's your I like whiskey or bourbon?Okay, so you do a little bourbon to open up something like with ice to cut the first oneThen you pop a half a loot just to get the party started get a little loose your shoulders get loose
34:21You start hugging people. Hi. How are you?You know saying and you pop another one then you fucking eliminate the ice cube and you go deep a quail was likeThey're all in a sleeping pill family. I see it's how much you drink before you pass the fuck outBut I had a friend his name was the Lopez'sThe Lopez's the Lopez's one guy. There's a couple brothers in the systemYou're like, I had a friend his name was the Lopez'sThey were crazyThey used to shoot people at night with fucking BB guns and shit
34:52They would drive around and we're kind of crazy people and they didn't like meThey didn't like me later on but they had to do business with meI had why did they garden for you or no, I had robbed a friend of theirs one timeA coke from her friend of theirs who it was kind of that coke but they couldn't prove itSo after that they really didn't like me but they couldn't do anything about it because they didn't have proofBut their mother was dying of cancer. This is the most fucked up story ever their mother was dying of cancerOh, this is the mostShe was like level five dying of cancer like there's four and there's five
35:25So they were sending the tumor ballsTumor balls were these fucking things that wereYou know cousins to like heroin and fucking explosives put togetherSo funny the way you describe drugs is like the way I described the menu at a cracker barrel. I'm like, you got to try thisthis wasMe and this kid Mike Kishka. We used to call him to me because he ate tumor ballsOkay, so I was just not because he sold luggage. No, his real name was Mike KishkaBut I used to call him to me because he used to just eat tumor balls
35:56And the initials on a tumor like when you look at a pill they always say somethingAnd this pill it was f66. What are you fucking nuts? SoSo people just look at you go. We're gonna take an f66 that meant you were going down late. Hold on. Let me make a callLet me let people know I'm gonna be gone for a few days and shitSo you just like hibernate like you justfall asleepNo, I knew how to eat those things. I would always eat halfHave a few poop off vokas because in those days I couldn't swish swish the swing the wolfschmidt
36:29Does wolfschmidt silver? That's when you know, you're pimping bigWolfschmidt's big vodka was big when I was younger now. It's fucking grape flavored fuckingCattle and all that shitBut po po v is the shit that you drank on the streetPoop off you drank it with a gatorade like a mother fucker whatly gatorade with a fucking gorilla biscuit. Stop itI still can't drink vodka because of high school. Really? It's grossIt doesn't really have a taste but I just that like gasoline like like plastic jug vodka that you're talking about just disgustingI used to have a friend that would drink vodka straight and call it cough medicine
37:08Under the car. Yeah, he would pull the bottleYeah, it's like that movie leaving las vegas like when he would just drink like just chug the bottle and it would like itIt like harmed me just that movie just like thatalcoholism like we were just like, oh my god likeI don't knowI'm gonna make a fucked up statement. Oh, I don't like drinkingOkay, but when I used to drink I used to drink like I could drinkLike I could really drink with a couple lines in me. I'll fucking take you down
37:41I remember walking until compulsion and was it always alcohol like like like a like hard liquor or was it beer?Whatever I was never a beer guy, but once you're in the bag of blow you drink fucking, you know paint you just thirstyYeah, you just you got to kill that dehydrationSo I liked I went through phases like as a kid. I got really sick and I never drank againOnce you get to high school, you're forced to drink peer pressure like social activitiesSo I would drink beer. We went to different high schools. Just so you know, I would drink bud nipsI always looked by bud wiser nips for me to like beerIt had to be real fucking cold and we used to rob beer trucks
38:19So I got forced to drink fucking warm beer the doors and that's the fucking worstI didn't like wine if I had a drink I went through all the phasesLike when I was younger, I was eating gorilla biscuits. Yeah, quailudes. I would drop the fucking vodkaAnd the honors used to the vodka gatorade of the vodka lemonade. Then I went to southern comfortAnd got really sick on new years eve and that was I don't like southern comfortAnd then I went to something that I still love todayBut I'm scared to drink because I like to taste so muchUh doers doers on the rocks opened up a complete fucking different door for me of alcohol
38:57It went from not liking alcohol to now enjoying a fucking doersAnd don't touch that fucking ice cube because I will smack you in the fucking faceGet a shot and put it next to me right there and then bring me another drink another glass with just three ice cubesAnd I'll fucking mix them up in my home. All right. There's a mixture I got in there, right?Yeah, and then to kill the coke without pillsYou got to do rusty nails and bamboo in scotch. But bam and that's a headache and a fucking halfThen there's another thing I used to drink43
39:37And something else mixed and people were looking me and go what are you fucking kidding me?43, what's that? It's a liquorAnd it's uh, and I used to drink and not with grand magnateThere was something that you had to I forget the name in there and then I would get smoothI like irish cream on the rocksI like emits and orange juiceWhich is irish cream, but it doesn't irish cream if you put irish cream and orange juice a littleCongogulate, what the fuck that word is curdle curdle. That's the word. But if you put emits, it don't curdle
40:05Oh interestingSo during the week I would take a quailu and just drink emits just to trick youLet you think I was going down, but I was watchingI was watching your cock sucker. I didn't think I'd take himYou know what I'm saying? I would trick your motherfucking assYeah, what fuck you?It's so funny how uh, our experience of the 80s was totally differentOr high school, you know what I mean? Like I like didn't even drink till my senior year
40:37Like I just like never I was likeI was in like one of those groups that was like the just say noGroups and we would travel all overGeorgia and like singing and dancing about not doing drugs. And then I was like, this is stupidUm, I don't want to be this person and then I startedJust drinking I was part of like six groups and we said yes to everyWe said fucking yes, like I was 16 17 seems like a more more fun storiesYou know, there was this kid's name was joelucci. He lives in like Orlando, florida
41:10How you remember all these people's names? I don't even know how you do that partiesThat was tremendous. He had parties before big concertsHe's the one that if you want a sad and Ted Nugent Judas priestYou knew to go to his house at five that it was on right and one time we were going to a concertI had a little viola cocaine with a spoon on it. I popped the quail and I went downIt was so excited about the concert. I started down in those fucking lipsI woke up I got four that had gone to the console left me in the backyardBut the girl upstairs saw me and she fucking called like the cops on me
41:43She said that I was OD and backed it because I got up and puked outI really did OD kind of that night. I drank too many beers in a rush. I get all fucking rushed up in those daysYeah, what are you gonna do those years for me like 16 to 18I was looking to blackout my mom passedAnd I was when I went out at night those years I went out to blackoutIt wasn't I was like 18 when I was like JoeyThat's it with the blackout tonight. So we just gotta go out and be smoothI talked to people but I would go out during the week
42:17To blackout. It wasn't to get laid. It wasn't to reallyThe that was it the guys I hung out with I would have to call them every morning goWhat happened, right?You know, I went out with 800 and a ring. I came home with three iou's empty fucking pockets. What happens?We went to white castle. We went here and it just and then when I moved to colorado was like the first time I stoppedBecause I was getting sick from the alcoholI would get sick at nightI could drink one drink or 50 drinks and I get sick in my sleep and that forced me to stop
42:48So I didn't drink for years after that. That's what forced me to stop drinkingBut when I was snorting stop, I loved itI love cold BudweiserI would get fucking two cases of cold Budweiser in a canAnd alternate six packs in the refrigerator in the freezerSo by the time you got that sixth one, it went down like a fucking soldier leagueLike cool. Did you ever drink cool as beer cold? I'm on you. It's nothing. Nothing. It's like you're drinking fucking waterI love cold beer. You love cold beer. Are you gonna drink beer? I drink it on ice sometimes
43:24Like just like a like a soda. I don't know. I can't do that. I never tried to I goes down really fastI used to paint bad tubs with this dude 84 John Tizio and he used to make me go getFucking eight ounceBudweiser and he'd freeze himHe'd have a thing with ice and he'd put them in there and once he got the two beersHe forced me down there. So he kept freezingThere's nothing like cold beer. I don't drink beer no more last nightI went for Italian food
43:51And I was thinking I got the spicy muscles and shrimp and I go that's a good opportunityThe slam of fucking beer down the kid was there. So I changed my mind. I got embarrassed for the two-year drinkingYou see that kid you remember that shit as a two-year-old, so I'm like that drink a beerI hold her a fucking beer and next thing you know, she's dancing at some club called Lulu'sPsychiatrist on the sideHow was your daughter good?Yes, she's really good. I'm seeing the love between her and my wifeI've had good things happen in my life and bad things happen in my life and I've made good
44:31I've done really good things. I always knew that Terry would be a good momAnd I'm seeing it before my eyes how everything's changedWe went to lunch today. I met her later on. I went to write today with the agustino and I met her atJersey motherfucking mice. I got my salad today half tuna tub of the subKeep better than me300 fucking calories leifers and I had a nice lot of onions a lot of fucking tomatoBaboom a lot of lettuce a little vinegar oilLight on the fucking oil extra on the vinegar heavy on the oregano the crushed pepper
45:05But gives the salad a whole different fucking patois who needs breadThat doesn't really sound like a salad bread is for pussiesIf you know if I would put cheese in there and shit then yeah, it would it wouldn't have been a saladIt was a nice salad tuna salad is nice get half the tuna thoughBut they were too much mayo and no they don't then you dilute it with the fucking lettuceYou dilute it leave you fucking mix it into the lettuce. That's the whole thingOkay, you know what the fuck is wrong. I don't know. Are you guys like on a diet together?We're trying to be healthy. Oh, okay. We're trying to represent. You know, I want to live
45:36I'm gonna having the gastric bypass. So you are I'm 50. You know, I'm sick and tired of fucking jumping up and downI need a break. I need a jump if I get a job. I could maintainIt's time for me to fucking you're not big enough to get that though. Are you? Yeah, I'm 46 or something 44 bpmYou gotta be over 40 or something. OhinterestingThat seems like a like that's an infat showsTsl you were watching those. Yeah, this is gonna pile up. Yeah, we watch it a lot the 900 pound black woman the other nightOh, yeah, they fucking waiter. She she had her on a diet. She she gained 100 pounds on the fucking diet
46:13Yeah, well, because they're not doing the diet. They picked her upThey took six guys to pick her up. They put her on the scaleThey they tried to measure it to make sure the scale was working. She's sitting there going. I haven't eaten for yearsShe gained like 100 fucking poundsThey realized the neighbor was slipping her food through the window like an animal throwing turkey legsI like how do you get that bit like because I know Ralphie may like at one point he lost 400 pounds and he was still 400 poundsLike that's soYeah
46:45Like how do you like how like that's like a condition, right? Like there's something wrong with like your your body doesn'tmetastasize like called laziness. Yeah, well becauseNo, it can't just happen. It's called. It's called lazy because it happened so quickly when you start really getting weightYou really start I had it. I had it. They jumped up there. I was 418 my love. Yeah, I was four right after the longest yardI was four fucking 18You were probably like 50 pounds. I'm just giving up and just going on. I've ever done the longest yardAsk Ari next time you see him the pastrami sandwich is Steve Simone. He's mentioned itSteve Simone whenever they would come to the set. I was eating
47:21five of thoseThey soaked those things in butter the bread was soaked. That's why they were so goodBecause they toasted the bread on the grill with butterThen they put this thick fat pastrami with cheese meltingMaking me hungry. You know, why are you fucking kidding me? Anybody who came on the set I goGet my friend the pastrami sandwich. Yes, indeed. Mr. Diazand make him quicklyNo
47:51No, you wouldn't like that Steve Simone sandwich. I got fucking aria pastrami sandwichI don't fuck around dog. I was eating five or six of those. That's not talking about three mealsYou know, new york super fudge chunk and 16 sodas that while I'm at the storeYou know, because that was my killer the fucking soda the cans of coke that was it. That'sYeah, that's that's the mac daddy. That's the american killer. Everybody's blaming everything elseThat's the main one you pop a soda for breakfast. You're doomedYou're doomed and how many americans pop a fucking soda for breakfastHow many motherfuckers pop I did it for years. I couldn't imagine
48:30A breakfast without a fucking can of coke two or three couldn't fuck fuck army's juiceWhen I live in florida, let the fuck I don't live in fucking florida or georgiaA big pimple in NYC and shit eating buttered rolls and stuff regular coke is my hangover cureThat's it. That's that's the only time I drink it. It's when I put fried rice with a fucking stopIt's so sweet though. I I had it for the first time in a couple months over the weekendI I couldn't finish the glass. It's like it's way sweeter than I thought it was once you weigh off coke for a long periodI can't even die. I'll sweet now for me. Oh, okay. I like dine. Dine cokeI love but like if I have a hangover at just one coke cola. I feel so much better cosby's back
49:12Look at Cosby if she's just falling out the window right now with the fucking white robotThe prescription bottle and she made out the lisa yet. Well, you that's so what lisa yetLeaveYou're sitting over there all miserable. I'm not miserable. Yeah, everything. All right. You look at tightLook at you want to eat enough. Let's eat another half of stuff. No, thank you. Mom is here. Let's do itLet's let mama have someone know we're gonna go deep tonight. That was the deal. We're gonna see the devil and his cousinHe was trying to freak me out and I was here in between podcasting texting me like every five minutesCall your mother your ears are gonna ring for the next couple days
49:49Go give your girlfriend a hugBring you to roller skates and I'm just getting paranoid. You're so mean. I love this guy. I knowI knowAnd now I listen every night when I go outIf you're looking for me go to the bar at the comedy club and I'll be four feet away from the barAnd there'll be nobody at the bar and I'll just be staring at the bottlesThat's what I do Saturday. That's myStaring at the bar. I stare at every bottle and I think of a story that has to do with every fucking bottle
50:25Oh, Irish cream of another drinkpassed out the Chinese restaurant, you knowAll right, you know, you know, it was my to-go drinkI hung out at a bar when I was in high school and the bartender's name was LilaAnd her specialty were whiskey soundsAnd the other one whiskey sound when something else a vodka and orange juices her gray houndswere whiteAnd there was a half inch grape for another time
50:55That's how she made themThree or four of those you were fucking zombie all her drinks. She ended up jumping off a roof with LilaOf course, she didn't fuck that bitch. She accused me of stealing the purse one nightI did steal it. It was the toilet hidden, but I didn't fuck. Well, how would she know?She worked at the bar a bar and it was called Joe and Mary's it was owned by a loan shark named GeorgeAnd she was the bartender named Lila and she was a nice ladyDid you work anywhere when you were in high? Was this in high school? You said where was this in high school?When I was in high school, my mom died and the first job I had was at a place called
51:36Rendell Lumber and MarineThe guy's name was Richie wordAnd I basically just went there to stealLike I punched into steel like the kid who gave me the job said oh by the wayMake sure you steal because if you don't then they'll know how much I was stealingAnd he broke down the word the the customers that were going to come inYou know because they sold marine plywood four by eight sheetsAnd it was galvanized for boats so each sheet was 100 hours
52:04So these guys were coming saying give me 10 sheets. I'll give you 500 cashLoad the fucking trucks timey. There was no cameras in those days. Yeah, right. There was nothingBut the biggest hit I got in thereWas a guyThat used to have a rare stamp and likecoin thingHe was the straightest looking motherfucker I ever saw in my lifeAnd I started talking to him. I went empty his waste baskets. That was my job
52:34And one day we started talking aboutAnd he told me his name and I had grown up with one of his sons. I wasn't tight with his sonWe know each other like that like he was a big kidBut everybody said this kid's dad was a big mafia guySo I would look at this guy in my mind. I expected Marlon BrandoHe was just a puny little italian skinny guy with a big nose that would bring his own spaghetti andand be very like, you knowFrugal, but he always bought lunch for everybody like he just did way out things and I became tight with him and
53:09But one day I went to uh, I was cleaning out where I lived downstairsThey had these beers and I was cleaning out the beers they were gonna throw out the beersThere was a bunch of change in one of them and I emptied the fucking bureau in the bag the changeAnd I took him to him because there were pennies and shit like thatAnd I gave him the bag and I go poach just look in there. I'll be back. I'm gonna go workAnd I came back like three hours later. He goes I got 500 for you cash like another check for like 1600Come on. Walk me to the bank and I'll cash the 16 a check and I go what are you talking about?I gave you a bag of pennies
53:42He goes two of the pennies were gold fucking collectors items 800 apiece and something elseAnd I gave you the balance and whatever I'm like, oh my god. What so?And then I went home and like looked into it like I went to a different coin store the next dayAnd yeah, he was right that coin was worthMoney and then another time he gave it to you the money to youHe gave me the money he gave me the two grand. Wow. Can you imagine being 16?So they give me two grand and you just clean all I did was help clean somebody's uhFlea market, whatever the fuck they call that when they throw furniture what and he goes keep whatever you want
54:17There was change. I just put in a fucking baggieAnd then I didn't I brought the house or something and I brought him jewelryAnd he was really cool about itSo he knew I was cool and then he would ask me fucked up questions about things that were going on in townAnd I'd answer them, but it was our little secretI knew that what he was asking me and when I was telling them was our little secretHe just had that demeanor to himAnd then he would ask me do you need extra work and I would say yeah one he'd go right
54:46Meet me tomorrow at 6 o'clock. I had some work for you for a couple hours. You work four or five hoursI'll pay you for itAnd when he just took me to this fucking construction site and there was a wallI'll never forget this. There was a fucking wall made of uhBrick eight by ten construction brick not the little brown brick, but the block brickIt has the holes in the middle and you're picking upAnd I go, what's up? And he goes just stand there and wait there. I'll be back at 10 o'clock to pick you upI just stood there till fucking 10 o'clock and he came back at 10
55:20Came like I don't have a bill and he goes, where do you want to go?I'll be by your slice of pizzaAnd he would just give me weird jobs like that like just weird jobs. He just dug meSo he was just like trying to give you money as an excuseYeah, like he was just trying to give me money and an excuse and he was also like a union delegate for like a construction companyHe was the real deal. He was the real fucking deal. Do you remember his name? Yeah, but I don't want to sayHe was a good guy. He was uh, yeahHe was like there's big time mafia guy
55:49In your mind what I expected him to look like and what the guy looked like and what they said he waswas two differentThings the baby's goddad alsoCan you write something down?No, no, no, no, no, no, no, but it's weird of himI met one of his friends and I remember growing upAnd him going be careful with his dad like I was at over the house for a barbecueAnd we were fucking around and I took a hotdog and we had goldfish and we put the goldfish in the hotdog gave me to the dad
56:20And the dad was like laughing and the next day we told somebody like come here. Don't mess with that dudeWe just got out of jail for killing like 14 motherfuckersLike what you put like live goldfish? Yeah, we're doing that because people were actually eating the goldfish in the hotdog at the partyThere's a goof sushi for a couple yearsI hung out now for a couple years like a year hung out with this crew guysThat we were in high schoolThere were football players at the time I wasn't playing football like my junior yearI ran with them when I had the lung infection and they were into eating stuff
56:51They would go anywhere and just start and they would eat anything like they tried to eat a bicycleWhat are you talking about?There was a guy on David Lennon one night and they ate a bicycleSo they oh so one night I went to a party. I'm not even kidding you about thisI went to a party these guys had hammers on a table and they were breaking glass and shit eating glass and likeYou know going ahSo for Halloween when you they wanted to win the Halloween contest, of courseSo they went dressed up as garbage
57:24This is they went dressed up as garbage and they asked me do you want to come and I go what the fuck I absolutely goSo I went and you had to put it we tookMetal garbage cans and plastic garbage cans and we cut the bottomAnd then we had the one kid's mother staple the front and staple the back so we could put suspenders overSo actually we didn't have nothing then we took the metal garbage cans the tops and we took a brown paper bagRobbed it up put it in our head and then crazy glued that to the metalSo it wouldn't come off your headAnd then we took strings and tied it around the handle and we tied live mice
57:57No, live live with their tails around the strings these fucking mice are going back and forthThis is the craziest thing and all of a sudden they walk into the fucking thing and there's all these juniors dancersThey're like, you know, I don't want to hold your handAnd at that time we were getting fucked up we were already doing drugsSo half the room was fucking on drugs and these four gorillas got on stage like theyAnd they're like dancing and people like look at them. They have miceAnd also at the same time they picked up the fucking mice by the stringAnd they dipped it into their mouth and they bit the mouse at the fucking tail. I will never forget that. I'm sitting there in shock
58:38They ate the fucking mouse while he was aliveAnd I'll never forget that they really wanted to win this contest. Oh my godI'll never forget my son Mike runny who called into the podcastI might call next week. He ate the mouse and he was on stage and he had bloodAnd he had the tail stuck to itThat's so grossSo these guys were fucking nuts. That was the craziest couple of yearsAnd these are guys that crew was the one that went on to become fagbaggers
59:08At the time when they were down on blue boys, they were mugging creepy guys that came home from new yorkBecause I was like, I don't know that that sounds likeYou know guys get drunk, you know, like girls get drunk. Yeah, and they want actionGuys get drunk in the 70s. You didn't text nobodyYou couldn't text nobody for a piece of ass. There was no googleThere was no fucking. What's the other nupian? What's the other place of tinder? Okay?There they areSo these guys from new york
59:38And it's weird in the iceman book. He describes a story where he wouldGo someplace at night or a bunch of like guys that were intoYou know fucking guy like they would get drunk and they weren't gay. They were creepy. They were like, uh,Like bill kosby pedophiles, but they were going and pick up young guys and shitSo these guys came up one night. They were walking down there one night. They went to a show in the cityAnd they were walking back and the car pulled up and he asked one of those guys. Hey, can I suck your dick or whatever?This kid pulled them out and they started fightingSo they figured out that they could go down there at night and mugged these guys and they came
01:00:19So they would mug the guys in the car that they asked because you come over and I'm looking to get my dicksI pull overGo over there by that treeAnd then you park the car you'd walk over by the fucking treeAnd my friend would go and he nailed down to suck your dickBut there'd be three guys in tree in the tree. All right, and they just come out of the tree and tackle youSmack you a couple times and take your money. You're fucking classicYou used to use the better looking guys as bait. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Geron. But Geron was beautiful
01:00:48Italian kid just beautifulDo you ever talk to these guys anymore?Like you should have them on the podcast we did we had cause of each oneHe had like a weird schedule like every third Thursday. He has to call this oneHe does all of them. Well, Geron, I haven't talked. He became a chiropractor. He's a big shotGeronThen there was another guyI'd be so interested to like hear like you talk to these people. Well, there's one guy I called
01:01:18He was crazy. We talked about mugging a hooker one time. He said he goes you weren'tOn the podcast, he goes you weren't there the second time we threw out of the carAnd she kept going boom, boom, boom, boom. We were fucking dying. This was a different mindset. Oh, yeahThese guys were gorillas, but they were my family. They all I had I had no familyI had no mother I had no fatherAnd these guys made sure my life went easy for me and I couldn't you knowFor me these this craziness took my mind off the real pain I was going throughLike you really did at that time this craziness was the only thing that could and in the middle of all this
01:01:53I'm selling mescaline acidI'm going to east drowsbreak state every saturday and pick up on 300 hits of mescalineSo all these nights all these storiesWe're all laced with acid and mescaline meeting people going you got a mescaline pastel. Yeah, give me three hits and alsoThen going now. We're not going to eat it. We're going to smoke itI remember smoking mescaline one night in the side street in new york city like like we owned the fucking streetIt wasn't bad enough. I already had two hits in me and I was on fire trip and like it was just uhthis just the kid who fucking
01:02:27Lifted the hash with me that night. I'll never forget. I'll never forget his name is garjuloI see them throw fucking peep mancini through a window playing glass and grasshopperThey cut hair grass on the corner of 70. It's still fucking there if you go to north burglar tomorrowGo to burglar land on the corner. I saw viny garjulo throw fucking peep mancini. No, johnny avalonHe threw him right through the fucking plate glass window the alarms went offThose are the fucking who throws somebody through a plate glass fucking window and the kid living there friends todayThey're still friends. They're both like five in there. I think they're the barbecues together. This is how man deal with shitWe're friends now
01:03:04Through me through a window. I used to live in fucking mayhem. When did you realize that?The view that sarah and I had none of that happen at all and you have like 27 of themNow you know why I don't tell a lot of this shit because it's justFucking crazy like any one of those storiesWhat could be a book of my whole like that would be like the biggest thingSo the school teacher graph the camel breath. Yeah, we stole all the money, but then he got deepSo I became his errand boy. So he would call me in the mornings and go he would get too paranoid to leave the houseSo he would call me and say come to the house and take my car
01:03:42There's $20 in the front seat and an eight ball of cokeGo to liquor store buy me three bottles buy me a sandwich buy me a case of beer and just leave it in the front stoopKeep the money and keep the car. Keep the change. Keep the cokeI'll call you at the house and leave your message. What to do for me. That was itI did that all summer, but I got like a $3,000 holdRight all summer long with him. He was my fratugaHe used to sell grams of coke already pre-made in a little bottle. So I would go to his house and then pick up 30 of those fucking thingsLike how many you got 20 give me 20. I'll come back on now with the money. I never came back
01:04:18He I'd call the next day. What happened. Are you passed? I fucked you. I was here all night waiting for youWell, he was my school teacher. I knew him. I loved him, you knowAnd then that summer at the end of the summer I put a bed in with himI called him up and I put a bed in with him me and my buddies got together. I had so he did that tooIn those days, you would put bets in for peopleBut like he was a little call me and go no, no, he wasn't a bookieBut he would put a bed in for me which meant you call me up sarah tianaHe's my buddy lee lee knows me leo come to me and go listen. Anybody wants to put a bed in
01:04:51Call me up. I'll give you 10 points. You call me. You want to put 5 000 on some that's 500 in my pocketI connect you with him or maybe not. Maybe I just call him under so he used to have a cavalierDo you guys know what a viewing cavalier is? It's a little four door sedanSo he gave me a number to callLike three two three two six six ten ten and you calling them and a guy would answer and he goesWho's this and his code name was the silver cavalier?And he'd go, what do you want? Give me the lines for tonight. He'd spit out all the linesAnd then I'd bet under his number
01:05:26Oh, I see you see what I'm saying. So one monday I was a desperado me and three of my buddiesHad these big plans for the weekend how we were going to go to new york and get our dick sucked and how we're going to do thisIt's monday footballFucking pittsburgh's playing dallas. Everybody's americas. I'll be watching that. We thought we knew more than anybodyThat's what you are when you're 2018 you're a fucking jerk offWe thought I know more than everybody else. We're going to betWhatever the pittsburgh we bet who lost basically, you know, we had and you had in those daysYou bet the game the total and the parlay we bet it for like three thousand dollars
01:06:04We weren't even close to making three thousand dollars. So I put I owed I owed mcgrap twoNow I owed his guy three. Oh my god. I had to fuckingthursdayTo come up with the moneyThere was no ands it's butsWas that gonna get a beat noBut in my mind, I really love mr. McGrath. Yeah, even though I had fucked with mr. McGrathI really loved him. He had helped me. He was funny. You know, I know where he was coming from
01:06:34He lost his wife. He had two kids. He was raising by himselfWhatever manI told my friend to say we can't beat mr. McGrathIt's not gonna happen. I'll beat anybody else in the world, but I can't beat this guy. This guy has been there forSo I called him up. I took him out to launch or something and I told mr. McGrath. I'm gonna bindI don't have your two grand. I don't have the three grand, but I'm gonna have itI'm robbing a jewelry store and he just looked at me. I go here's the dealI will cut you into the jewelry store
01:07:04I will give you 30% right off the fucking topBut you got to promise me as soon as I call you got to put bail up for meGive me your fucking word. I don't want to spend time in thereAnd he goes if I put the bail up you can't leave town. I know the people will put the bail upThey'll shoot youI say I guarantee you I will fucking take you out of your holeAnd give you the five thousand. I owe you but you got to make me that promiseHe goes when are you gonna rob? I went to him on wednesday night, dog
01:07:31He needed to have the money by thursday thursday like six o'clockAnd I went to him and I said I fuckingI'm telling you this is a man. I'm doing this tomorrow. My buddy'sHe knew I had already robbed this jewelry store a couple timesI had already robbed them for rings and like little bracelets and shit. I was crazy. There's a people. YeahThis time they had a thing in the middle that when you got thereYou spun around and the top had diamond gold braceletsAnd the bottom had gold chains like these they had 300 of these
01:08:02Gold was 800 a fucking ounce. This is you know, a thousand bucks. He had 25 000 of these thingsAnd I every time I go in there, I'd steal something but I cased that and it was just held by a whyThere was these bogus cameras in thereSo my plan was to just pick it up disconnect the why and run out the front doorThey didn't have a buzz around the doorAnd that's how fucking I was in like I was doing this. There was no way I was not doing thisI couldn't let mr. McGrath downThere was just something about fucking him over because they were gonna go to him right and then he was a son to me
01:08:38I don't blame him right right put him in and I was doing this at that timeMe and my buddy at the time were doing this on a weeklyWe just put a bet on when you when you came to us we go what?What what the fuck you're gonna do? We're gonna whoa scarface is gonna come get youTell scarface to fucking come get us. Let's see what happenedBut with him I just couldn't do it to him right I got up the next morningWith timmy hollow way. He was called into the show. He was the getaway driverTimmy marble head. He's called into the show. He'll probably listen to this
01:09:08and uhHe picked this up in the morning me and my buddy went to the fucking jewelry storeEverything went as planned and the first chain I dropped off. I gave him the biggest chainIt was like a dog chain. It was like a rapper change mr. McGrath. You gave him 1982I gave him the biggest chain off the top. I gave him a couple I go pick whatever the fuck you want right off the topBefore we even make any moneyJust take whatever you want and he took a couple chains for his familyAnd then I gave him a couple braces and that was it. I went back there like three days later
01:09:39And gave him like fucking $10,000 $20,000. I forgot what the fuckingBut then I got my hands on his friend mr. PalluteHe was another gym teacher and he gave me a number to bet and that guy drew up to cash, but I never pay themSo now the camel is mad at me. Mr. Pallute. Yeah, fuck mr. Pallute. So now the camel breath is mad at meHe won't even friend me on facebookThat motherfucker. He won't friend me on facebookBecause he's mad about Pallute. I had to call another friend of mine and go what's up with the camelIf there's anybody I want to talk to today is the camel breath. I'd have him call in here and tell all these stories
01:10:15But he won't talk to me. He won't talk to me. He's pissed because I mr. Pallute. Mr. Pallute diedOh, okay. So that's why I could ever make it up to mr. Pallute. SoCan't make it up to him. That was the end of that summer sara tiana. That is a uhThat is a big summerThat gives me the fucking goose bumps Lee, you know, I'm just thinking about itNot really the average part in your life is like something that would be the only storyI ever told about like the craziest thing that ever happened to me would just be one of those storiesBut that's just like a summer for you
01:10:50You understand it's like orney adams has this, do you know orney? YeahHe talks about like a keith richards book or whatever and I guess like there's a part uh and like the second chapterIt's like a paragraph in the book and keith richard like livedLike near a um like mental hospital and him and his friends were in their backyard one dayAnd they found a dead body and like the ditch in the backyardAnd uh he then goes this was a paragraph keith richards bookHe's like if that had been me the name of my book would be called I found a dead bodySo like every time I talk to you I feel like my god, like I'm just like wow, I don't know if I've lived
01:11:30Well, maybe I just haveSurvived in a different way. I'm trying to write a book. You know every day trying to write stories. So refreshes my mind, you knowIn that summer we were I had a friend that would go listen, manCan you just help me deliver a couple furnitures and we'll pay you like the end of the daySo it was a cool little gig. I did two three days a week. I never knew what I was gonna workHe just knocked on my glass at 10 15 in the morning and I had 10 minutes to get readyHe'd take me to someplace we get an egg and cheese with taylor ham on a rollNice and a coke and then we go and I'd usually be home by two
01:12:05Three laced and give me 75 bucksOne day I went with my buddy. He couldn't even go. So we we had to workWe're fucking flat broke. It's mid july. It's hot out. All we want to do is snort cokeWe can't figure out a way. We're only gonna make like 60 bucks todayAnd we're gonna drop something off and as we're dropping something offThere's like 38 conditioners on the dockAnd nobody's paying attention to my body going. What do you think?And we took every fucking condition and
01:12:36We left andI think like a week later I went into a place and to make a delivery and I walked in and there was an envelope on the counterAnd I tipped the envelope to the floor on the floorAnd I just sat there and I looked at it and it was filled with cash. Oh my god. I just picked the fucking envelopeI mean it was like the summerOf felonies. Yeah, it was like I've never even seen 10,000 dollars. You know what I mean?Like you're talking about bringing him mr. McGrath like 10 20,000 after you goLike what'd you go sell the gold chains right away, right?
01:13:08We dumped but where do you go to sell something like that like you can't go localYou go back to the grinch jewelry store. I got a deal here's what gets betterOkaySo I had another buddy who was fucking mobbed up. He was mobbed up. You went into the house and you knew itYou knew he was mobbed up. So that was the second place. I went because I had worked with him beforeI had worked with this family beforeHe was a great friend of mine. He ended up being the whole family were friends of mineUh, there were three brothers. I was friends with all three of them. The dad was a long shroom and a union delegate
01:13:40But the middle brother was the one who was mobbed up and anytime I had jewelryI would bring it to him and he would give me top dollar and then give me a ride and buy me somethingHe was always really cool. Not a nice person eitherBut you know, I was friends with his brotherThe younger brother that's who I had grown up with so the middle one was the scumbagThe older one was a badass motherfucker. God bless his soul. He's deadBut the younger one's almost dead today. He's all fucked up. So I went to himAnd we were talking in front of his mother. We're in there making egg creams in this kitchen
01:14:12And I'm like, where are we going to get a bit of all this and the mother came overAnd she was cocoa that chains beautiful. I go here. Here you go. Mrs. D. That's for youI remember gave her a chain and when I would go there 20 years later, she would still say to me cocoaI still got the chain. You know, yeah, so I remember my body said to meLeave it here. I'm gonna have a jewelry sale. This is and he was built. He was beautiful this kidHe was an Italian fucking thing. This guy was banging women. Oh my god. He was like geratGerat your friend GeratBecause he was built this guy was very built and
01:14:50He goes give me like an hour to put it together. He called all his mother's girlfriendsHe personally called all his mother's girlfriends like 30 or 20 of them. He called, you know, he just called everybodyHe called me he goes, I'll be at seven come over. I went over there at seven this bad motherfuckerdug up valourblack valourAnd he put it on the tableThis motherfucker, I'll never forget this and he had all the chainsOut and the chains still had the prices on them. So the deal was
01:15:19Half of what was on it maybe like 10% if you knew the person maybe 20 it was all profit. What do we give us?rightso, uhI'll never forget I walk inAnd there's my boy with no shirt on muscled up with suntan lotionWith 20 chains around his neck and women are picking them up. He's beautiful. Oh my godI want this or that. I want that when he looks over. I mean, he just blinks likeAnd he gave me all the money. I think I cut that half with him
01:15:50And then we took everywhere we went we picked up my 10 grand here. We were in high schoolI mean that like I can't even like I worked at cbsYou know, I worked at the Nike outletThis is the summer after and I used to steal like shoes and stuff. I thought I was a fucking felonI was still sports bras. I would like put them on during when I was like at workI would like put them on under my uniform and just leave them like and I feel guilty about it stillYou have a pop up jewelry storeAnd then we went to this other guy mafia
01:16:22We went to this other jerk off who was a half connected guy. He called us and threatened usHe goes, we'll give you 10 000 for the whole batchAnd me and my buddy are like we already made 10What are you talking about? We got 10 more batches in there. No, that's the guy that called the cops on usThe first guy, but the kid who threw us under the table was this esposito kidThis dumb motherfucker went back to the jewelry store with the chain to get it sized. NoWhat is it just thinking about it makes me want to smoke that pizzaBut what about the other guy you would sell jewelry to the pizza store owner nick
01:17:00But I didn't sell him nick. You just got it stolen stuff. This stuff was primo this stuff was never used beforeNick I would sell him this stuff. Oh that had already been worn like right like somebody's houseSomebody was pulling off or something need to be shined atFucking tremendous. These stories are fucking crazy. Yeah, they are crazy. And that's like a four month periodThat was at that timeThat was likeMay through september 15thIt's like when you watch Breaking Bad, you're like it kind of looks fun to cook mess
01:17:30Like I would never want to do, you know, but then you watch it likeLamorizes it when I listened to your stories. I'm like, I should be doing coke and like robbing stores. Like that sounds so funNo idea how fast the crossover goesYou have no idea like all one day you just want to go into the city and buy a nickel bagThen a month later you're over there buying an eight ball and you're chopping in half and you're making moneyAnd you're like, oh my god, I could do thisAnd next thing, you know in high school, we would go to this place on 130 5th streetThis is our senior year in high school. Close your fucking eyes. Who does this? Who does this?
01:18:07That they were a disco. There was a columbian disco on 130 5th streetYou had to walk downstairs and you went in there and they had dancing but who dances in HarlemYou could just go intoThe Manhattan, I mean it's Harlem. I think a lot of Spanish HarlemBut in the back was a dj booth and we'd walk in and you see the door right there that ledge up on topThey drop it and that's where they put the coke and the scale was in between theThe turntables and the guy would take the coke while people were dancingHe'd wave for you. Boom. He'd give you a hug. Boom. And you go right back out the door
01:18:44One day we went and they were having chicken fights in the discoLike right where the disco was there's fucking chickens. They sold this blowBut the other night we went and there was a fucking dead body in thereLike right in the stairway going to walk down the stairs like that's you knowAll I did was go over to the bike cokeAnd I'm seeing a guy get shot with a blanket on top of the dead of the winterAnd the co-dealer that we were getting from was on the corner goingThat meant walk around the corner. Oh, that's the same place where I bought a car went over into the city
01:19:14There was a snowstormAnd I started fucking around with the ignition the window theThe sunroof and also the sunroof started goingBy itself and it started smoking it started steaming like steam came out of the fucking radiator and shitAnd next thing the car died and there was like a little fire in the engineAnd uhI said fuck it. We'll take a bus back to jersey. We went to Broadway. We took the bus backI went over there three days later Saratiana
01:19:41The car was on brakes and all that was leftWas the chicken bone from the frame and they were coming to get the axleYou can see that they were working on it with the fucking blow thoughts. Do you know insurance?It's never been on my credit report. I never heard anything about it. I never got a letter from the bankThat cop just disappears like it never happenedILook at the car was it like a fucking car that only black pimps would drive it was like aCutlassy eye with two door with the rims. Yeah, that would leather on leather black
01:20:18You know, you're sitting in it. You're sweating the winter time. You're sweating that motherfuckerYeah, my first car with the cutlass. Yeah, Jesus christ. I'm going back deep. I'm gonna have nightmares tonightYou I'm gonna have nightmaresSo crazy fucking crazy this shit. This is crazy stuff, but I'm happyThat's good. You got to talk this shit. How are you feeling? I'm good. How are you doing another star?No, thank you. How about you want to smoke a little hashish?We already did did you show snowy the smoke hash that wasn't hashIt was no wasn't I wouldn't give you hash without your consent. You've done that too many times. No, I would
01:20:55Look at this hashishHoly cowOh, that's that gold shit from fucking arabia. Wow, check this reefer. OhGoshorThe churchWe don't fuck around here. You know, I I know what else been going on. You know, I talked to me. So you're in loveI'm not in love. No, no, no, no, I'm not in love. So don't come back
01:21:27It's just a crazy phase. I'm going wellI finally like I've just been dating a lotYou know, I haven't been like really I never really like anybody back like people like because you knowOur lives are so interesting like then you meet people and you're like and they're like enamored by what your life isAnd then you're like, oh youAnd I don't care if you've never been anywhereYou know, I didn't bother meBut if but sometimes that makes people less interesting or they don't have anything to share
01:21:54At or any stories andSome people have too many storiesIt takes a very secure man to be with youYeah, for sure. So I guess I've I've met a few more of them lately, you know, like people who are a little bit more successful orOne guy um designs and build houses and like customizes like fireplaces. That's perfectBecause you want to be involved with somebody in the industry. That's the barYeah, yeah, it works. It may not work. Let's just fucking shake hands and part of friendsIt's good to go home and not talk about the same shit you do all day
01:22:28I don't want to hear about sag insurance and how she didn't make it and you didBecause you've worked on that job. See if you were to talk to the director, you could have gotten me in thereI don't want to do that. Yeah, you know, that's why I started going to martial artsBecause I wanted to go somewhere when nobody talked about that shit. Yeah at allYou went in there you sweat and you walked out you go to some of these gyms and people stopped behindIt was great seeing you at Catherine's office. Yeah, oh my god. How'd you do? I don't know. I brought a cookiesYeah, what the fuck is wrong with you cookies?It is uh, it is yeah, I don't know
01:23:00I guess I've just been meeting like some more people who you know, like one guy's aA writer for the show the blacklist or whatever. So like that's cool. YeahYeah, yeah, so I don't know like that's that's something new. I haven't we haven't you know, but uh, yeahI've just been dating a lot, which is fun. You know, because it's likeNo pressureI feel young but that I've been talking about that on stage because like I feel likeMen make me feel like I'm like even like they tell me how young I lookBut then they make me feel like I
01:23:35Have a wedding dress in my purse. You know what I mean? Like I'm just like ready to be likeLike will you talk about kids and like I don't talk about kids ever?Like I mean I I have god kids and likeAnd yes, I think I doI'm like finally at a place in my life where I do want children again like for a long time. I didn't and uhBut I don't want them tomorrow. You know what I mean? And I think like there's this like fearConstantly where guys like oh god. She's at this age. She's 36So she just wants to get married and have lots and lots of babies and I'm like time and running out for me
01:24:05I ain't in a hurry. Yeah, you don't look 36. Thank you. Yeah. I'm not in a hurry. You know, I mean 26 27Yeah, cigarettes and energy drinks have stunted my growth. YeahBut yeah, so I mean I'm not in a hurry, but I feel like men make me feel like I amAnd then I'm like, what am I doing? You know, it makes you feel crazyListen, I mean you want to date with somebody the first time you want to date with themYeah, go to let you fucking let it all hang outBecause you don't know let it all hang out the first two timesSo, you know, they're never going to come back to you go. Oh my god, we didn't know you were really like that place
01:24:44No, let's let it all hang out as a matter of fact. That was an issue. Why cut through the bullshitFuck disney lane. Let's fuck this measles down thereEat your ass next you know, I got a thousand pimples on me. I got calamine lotion on me all dayYou knowYou want to get it out of the way the first or the second or third day? I know I always wanted toYou know, I'm like you like me, right? Yeah, what's the problem?Let's go get you back. Let's go back to the crib. What's HBO? Let's eat some cookies. Let's goAnd whatever happens happens, but I'm not gonna sit you down and go, you know, I really like you and uh
01:25:19I feel that I really ship them away too fast. Yeah, I'm gonna give you back your keyAnd let's go just go back to dating and petty and you're likeCome on as a man. Just let it roll. YeahIf you end up being you know, and if it don't work out you shake hands and you both got a stab in itAnd that's it. You move on with your life. You put a notch in your fucking belt that you don't whatever the fuck you doBut guys are like, well, I'm gonna stay at home. So I'm 36 and put away money for a homeYou know what? Gross. What do you do? I ain't you're fucking out the way too. Don't fuck yourselfGot a little light by the fucking day. No, like I like I don't think about that kind of thing
01:25:55No, but you know what it is. It's that I you go on a date with meI do not seem like the kind of person that you're just gonna fuck around with likeI'm the kind of person that's gonna make you breakfast in the morning and pack your lunch for you and likeI love being very domestic. I'm like southern and I'm like traditional like, you knowSo it's like that's I'm not some somebody that guys will just and like I feel like it's justI think big part of it is just this town where like guys are just still playboysAnd they're still like hoping that renaise elwiger is gonna fuck them or something. SoWhoever it is, you know
01:26:29So I like and I get it but I but I'm but I think that that's always been my biggest problemIs that it's you know, it is an intimidating thing what I doBut then also like it's likeI look like a wifeSo it kind of freaks people out. Does that make sense? I want you to date my man Aaron Caterford. I didn't even know about thisOh, yeah, five yearsYeah, so I know you when used to bring me money and shit in the middle of the nightYou what?
01:26:56Years ago one night I bumped into himOh, yeah, probably. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my god five years. Oh, yeah. Yeah, we were togetherGive me the years when you were together. Um, it would have been like 2004 five to 2010About yeah, what was it 2015? Yeah, it's been like four and a half five yearsI'm tight with him. Oh me too. I was invited to his weddingI've always loved him. I remember him telling me he went to rehab for cigarettesI always thought that oh, yeah, I remember when that happened. His dad sent his dad and mom sent him up thereI used to
01:27:33Call him when he was up there and like make sure he was doing okayAnd he just thought it was stupid. He's a big-time tennis guy, isn't he loves tennisSo I would meet him at the ymca. He was great kid. I always uh, what's he doing?Well, now him and his wife live out here in the valleyAnd she's like a nurse or something like that and I think he's still doing stand-upBut he doesn't really doesn't do it that much. No, but he was at the store one night and I was happy to see himAnd yeah, I went home like a fuck. I didn't see Aaron Cata. Yeah, so kind of fucked with me a little bitBut he's a great kid. I always oh, yeah, very yeah, very funny
01:28:07But you know like I mean comes from a wealthy family. So like I feel like his likeWork ethic wasn't as good as it should have been, you know, but he taught me so much likeHe taught me to just be super relaxed about money like I never I used to worry about it all the timeBut because he didn't worry about he's like if I worry about it that it's never gonna comeSo you just give it to people like whatever like he always took good care of melike I never had to worry about anything andand uhAnd because of him like I look at money differently like it's like
01:28:36Yeah, I don't need to hold on to it because then why would I need to get me more if I'm keeping?I'm probably just holding on to all of this. Why does the universe need to give me more?I'm already got a little bucket, you know, so now I'm just like no fuck it. No, I don't think about it. I just likeSwipe I ain't I ain't brown bad. It's a work. No, you need something. I'll buy it for youNo, how's the pieces flowing if I don't have it today, you'll have it tomorrow. Yeah, sorry, you know like that's just you knowI'm not ridiculous with it, but I don't knowI'm not gonna not buy something because I don't I don't think I can do it, you knowAnd I'm not extreme with money or anything, but if I feel like going out to dinner
01:29:13I'm going out to dinner if I feel like going and staying in a nice hotel. I'm gonna go stay in a nice hotelThat's how I'm a human being. I deserve it. We work hard. We work hard. I deserve itWe had mom in the hotel all week and he tied her up. What?We're gonna tell him Lee. What was the hotel you gotta tell him?Back rub? Hotel Sofia or something downtown San Diego. Oh the the sofía?Sofía and I think oh sofía andIt's fun. We just got the like the hot wire thing that doesn't tell you where you're gonna stayOh, really?
01:29:46And we gotta do Groupon Groupon has all these like romantic getaways and it's like a third of the price also hotel tonight is my favorite appHave you ever used that? No, I've heard about it. So you just go to a new city and you just buy theHotel room that day. He's starting at 9 a.m. So you want to go to new york?And just it's like a third of the price all these and you can look at all the fancy hotelsBecause I'm a hotel snob. I worked in fancy hotels a lotFor like the four seasons the Beverly Hills HotelSo like I'm a big snob when it comes to hotels and like service and like waiters and stuff because I was a waitress for aReally long time
01:30:20So I get really upset about service because I know how easy it is to give good serviceAnd it's like work to be shitty to people to me anyway. SoYeah, so I like love hotel tonight because you can stay at five star hotels for like 200 miles. That's not what you sayI have the appI said at the bakara in Santa Barbara, which is like six seven hundred dollars six fifty to seven hundred a night normally for like300 bucks on fourth of julyYeah, because what happens is like the day of hotels are like wellWe want to sell out and we still have 20 rooms available
01:30:52So let's just put them for low prices and just fill it up because people will buy stuff on the propertySame thing as a comedy club, you know, you give somebody free tickets. They're going to buy drinksWhich is how they make moneySo you're writing this shit downI love a bargain. I mean I am a bargain. I'm gonna be asking you questions cocksuckerYeah, so that that was that brad garret club because they put you up at the mgm signature towersthis placeThey're all suites all the hotel rooms and you big balcony like you could put your furniture out on the balcony
01:31:30It was gorgeous and uh, and they had a bathtub that in there that could fit like four peopleIt had armrestsIn your hotel at the mgm grant. Yeah at the mgm. I stayed at the mgm like a couple months agoThey had a dealIt was like 99 but like less than 99 bucks or two nights and you got twoBut faith vouchers like you have to search vagus deals the best. YeahIt's like a lot of these places have pretty good deals. I just I don't gamble that muchEver but I keep getting these things from the venetian
01:31:59Saying I can get three free days in this week, but it has to be like sunday to thursday. Yeah. YeahSo that's like that's giving stuff away. I like going in anyway because there's less people aroundOh, I would love to go thenOh, we gotta work. Oh, I don't know what that is. I don't have like a regular you ain't going nowhere cocksuckerAt the podcast monday through wednesday, you're on a fucking call. We might do one next week at 3 a.mJust to fuck with motherfuckers monday through wednesday you do podcasts. No, just two a week. That's all you really needI could only do two a week. I couldn't even do that. Really? No two of mine. That's what I'm doing like the kid in the fucking fighterYou know, you always do two or somebody else's, you know, and then yeah, but I like to focus on two of these
01:32:42I can really not feel like I'm burning outIf you know if I had to do four in a row, I don't think I'd be effectiveI don't think I'd think of these fucking this is definitely getting your stories out. Yeah. No, this is this makes me want to read your bookWhat'sThis is what happens sometimes when I'm with people these stories and then I don't even know how to say them rightOh, I'm too embarrassedTo say I don't know what we're just talking. So you just need to have somebodyLike write out like listen to the podcast like pay somebody to just type it out. That's lee. He's the stenographer
01:33:15He's the fuck I can't be this stenographer if he gave me this highYou know, and it was weird becauseFor years, I thought everybody had these I thought everybody had a weird neighborhoodI thought everybody took leaves in the winter time and got bricks and made a wall of bricks and put leaves on top of itSo when people drive with their car, they hit the wall of bricksI thought everybody did that stupid shit. I thought everybody threw eggs in the city jews. I threw I thoughtEverybody took the phone off theIn our neighborhood, we had a police phone on the wall
01:33:56Like on a pole and a big thing was to rip the phone out and then see the cops chasingI thought everybody did that. So I never thought anything of it and then I would tell peopleStories like that and they go show it. What the fuck? Yeah, we never knew we were playing baseball or somethingOh, yeah, yeah, I mean well until I moved to Los AngelesI didn't know that the way I grew up was weird or differentYou know, you know, you just you grow up in a little bubbleSo you think well, this is just what the world is like, you knowAnd then like oh, everybody didn't have a daycare in their high school for all the students. We had a daycare
01:34:32For all the kids that had babies in high schoolLike that was super sudden. We didn't have anything to do people would just go out in the field and drinkCow tipping and like throwingCow patties at each other and just like making setting fire to stuffWe didn't have anything to doAnd people that's why my parents made me get a job so that I didn't have time to like get pregnantThat was like the smallest thingYeah, I took that a little too seriously. Did you drink on high school?
01:35:01A little bit there was a lot of itI didn't I didn't do it that often like I was never the guy to go two nights a weekend orI would go once every couple months. I wasn't I never did it that muchMy manager at CVSHe it was reallyMy mom thought it was crazy at the time because he was 26. I was 16 and I just thought it was the coolest thing everBecause he was 26, but looking now that I'm 26I see how creepy it was
01:35:32And we would go to like his friend's basement and there was this band that he was managingBut he wasn't managing anythingAnd we drank and then we smoked weed in the garage and it didn't do anything to me the first couple timesDefinitely nothing like thisI really have to go to the bathroom. Oh, is there a bathroom here? Yeah, where give me the key right over hereI'll do some shout outs and shitNo, that's that's interesting. I didn't know that. What did he molest you? No, he's just cool, dudeNo, he's cool. I'm still fine. Tell me the truth. He's cool. We're family
01:36:10But just looking my mom and my mom and my friend's mom who I work withStill make fun of us about it and will he come to the house and get you and beat the whole no, noI would drive you would drive yourself. YeahHe was a cool dude, but just looking back at like that. What's he doing now? Same thingHe's still at CVS. YeahIs he half a momo? Is he cool? You still talk to him? Yeah, no, not reallyHe's coolAnd after that did you get high or just with him a little bit we drank a little bit
01:36:40I'm I've never really been much of a drinker. I went drinking this weekend with paul andI don't like being hung over at allIt's so much worse than thisNo, let's do a halfJust to break our recordLet's break our record. Let's take a chance. Columbus did let's split another star. We'll split itI only give you two or the three. I'm fine with time for our record. No, you're not doing nothing. What do you got tomorrow?I gotta recover from this already. No, what recover? You gotta be doing a couple push-ups. You drink some harvest
01:37:11You sneak back. What are you fucking kidding?Let's eat another little star before we go deep tonight. We're gonna pick up the agostinoOkay, let me give some my fucking shout outs to my people here not neil armstrongadriel rostropothe mensa jamie stanley mario david ipsCaptain red beard cocaine tamales and my main manmotherfucking santosThank you for chipping in with us on a fucking beautiful wednesday night here on the church with the most gorgeous
01:37:45Sarah tiana and shit throwing heat. So what's been going on? Who you writing for?Drop some fucking knowledge on me. Yeah, I'm doing some roasts and stuff. SoumI've been helping my friends with the terry bradshaw roast the roasting him for the super bowl this week on espnAnd then next week i'm roasting jesus as mary magdaleneat the west side eclectic hereIn la it's just like for funSo we're doing like jesus is mary magdal
01:38:12Who's what jesus is mary magdalene? I'm mary magdalene. So i'm gonna be dressed as her roasting jesus as mary magdaleneWhat are you wearing?Uh, some sort of tunic. I'm assuming you're throwing heat. You're showing the legs. I mean, no, no, I meanTalk to all these guys. Yeah, she is the whore of the bibleThere's pictures on page six six old twos. Oh, yeah in the bibleBurn the page little picture of a harry bushShe never shaved it was fucking look like a beard. Look at his easy tops fucking beardIt's crazy that that was in your bible. Your bible is so different. It's the truth. It's the truth. They spell it out for you
01:38:52You know what i'm saying? Jesus look father. Don't mess with them. Look at these motherfuckers. That's just says it's simpleAmazing. I always thought of that line when he looks up on thatHe goes father forgive them because they don't know who they're messing withI've always thought of what that line really how he really said it. He was like dad. Fuck themYeah, they could come back all these bitches will take them downso funny like howLike I don't think aboutMy dad when we were younger used to tell us stories about growing up in michigan and like
01:39:22He lived he was like super poor and stuff and he said that he was uhHis nickname in high school was the bush manAnd we thought that that meant he was like making out with girls in the bushNot knowing until we got older that that's not at all why he had that nicknameI think he liked it or like, you know, or maybe he just like how old is your dad?64Yeah, I graduated in 69. YeahYou like that too
01:40:00I don't mind it. No, he's just saying my dad likes bush and that's weird to think aboutI don't shave at all. I was like take off west virginia east virginia leave the appalachians. That's what I sayI really did not want to hear that at all for me. What do you say?Well, sorryYou're just telling me aboutDoing gorillas and blow. I don't even know the names of them anymoreMy niece I don't want to hear about what's between your legsI don't want to hear nothing. You know, I just want to hear you get married and be happy and
01:40:38That's it. Yeah, that would be nice. That made me happy that you dated Aaron. I like that. Yeah, he's a good oneI loved him. I always loved that kid. He's a good egg. Those are those areHe was always a good guy used to give me rides home and we torture himYeah, I like when him and Ari are around you can feel the tension like you can just feel them looking at each otherHim and I met her more, you knowYeah, they they fucking go at it. That'sGod, I found a picture of us though. Oh, yeah, the art the palestinian. YeahI found a picture of me and Ari and Duncan
01:41:10and AaronOh, no me and Ahmed and Ariat umAnd Aaron at like this like New Year's Eve party from like 2005 or sixAnd we all look like such babe like babiesI like I just like couldn't even believe like and I was like, oh my god, you knowPictures of Duncan and Ari like before Natasha like was between them, you knowSo crazy the nicest thing about Vegas
01:41:39This last time when we did the mushroomsWas to see Ari and Duncan talkingThey got back in that groove. Mm-hmm. It took six years. Yeah long time years. Yeah for them to replace a friendship that wasI remember them being kids at the store. Yeah, I still remember getting Duncan Duncan getting thethe dollar the uhThe the telecoordinated job. Oh, yeah, but now I was dunking before that like I just knew Duncan from the storeHe made me giggle when he busted the doll out the first time on an open micOn the sunday night everybody lost a little hobo. Yeah
01:42:19Yeah, I saw that video of him and Ari kissing at the UFC match. It's just so funny. Oh my godThey were right back on track. Yes the best. They were right back. That was a funny fucking crew up there when they were youngYeah, oh, yeah, I used to host the uh the potluckOh, really?And I used to sit there and watch this little click and that's you know, I'm getting it backI think going back to the store has made me better because I'm back homeAnd you're amongst family that's in a core everybody has you see your Sebastian. You see your I met I metYou see your mark man. You're Joe Rogan. You know, you're in good hands, you know
01:42:55That's what you know, and that's how you start comedyWhen you start comedy in Atlanta or you start comedy in michiganYou start with a core of guys, you knowAll of a sudden you become a team and you're a class and you drive the gigs together and youYou know just do all these things thatIt's like josh wolf. You know, I look at josh wolf on tv. I don't see that joshI see the guy that we lived in seattle that he went to the house that he didn't stay thereHe went to the house. You know, it was never there
01:43:25And it was me and mark madison and the house was a fucking dumpYou know, you could walk in there. There was no door. There was no I mean you should have seen this placeThe basement was all two feet pieces of shitFrom his st. BernardThat he had never cleaned you went to the basement to do laundryYou had to walk through a fucking landmine because there were little turds everywhereBut that's how we did it. It was 600 for the rentEverybody had to pay 150 or something
01:43:53There was somebody else who got a room thereBut was never there like they just got a room somewhere they would pass them by it was worth 150 a monthThey were guy o'beal them to somebody some comedian. Yeah, but that's your core. Those are the people that youI still remember who I got made a regular withOh, yeah, Larry vaseos. He's goneAnd a girl that was a lesbian and she just moved back to vegasAnd her name is on the wall now. I forget because i'm on the spotYeah, I don't uh, I mean
01:44:23I can't remember who I gotIf there was a few of us that were oh neil like brennan like those those guys like dove like that was like all the same timeThat was your class. Yeah. Well, that was who I got passed with I was like much. What year was that?This was 2010Wow. Yeah, it took me six years before thatTook me. Yeah, that was a regular when I was thereYeah, maybe yeah, dove was there when I was thereDove, Sebastian, john caperulo
01:44:54There was a handful of those guys that were there when I was thereIt was a really weird like, you know, it took me a really long time because I couldn't work the doorAnd I couldn't waitress because uh mitzi wouldn't allow any of that and uhSo it just took me like six years to get past there and then like once everybody wanted me to get past thenIt wasn't Tommy's idea. So had to be Tommy's idea. You know what I mean?So he would just it was like three years where I you know, I was performing there all the timeBut he still wouldn't pass meso
01:45:23But then I you know and that's but that's why I love it because when people go like oh the store's just so clickyAnd I'm like, yeah, well if you're not part of the family, they're all clicky when you walk into the improvThere's a jerk off in the back giggling amongst themselves. Yeah, you walk into the lab factory. There's three jerk offs upstairs gigglingYou walk into the boston the comedy club. There's gonna be six jerks on the backYou know, you walk into the cellar. There's eight swarmy guysEvery club has a click and somebody wrote me that email last week that the club they go there. It's very clickyWhat should they do be funny in there? Yeah, you know be funny. They have two options. Yeah, lee. What's happening, brother?That's what I would do. Are you ready for another one? Nope
01:46:03Done for the night. You don't want to smoke a little too much. Nope. It's over. It is overI think he's gonna pass out. No, I'll go to the show. Are you coming down to the show? SureWhat were you performing next talking about some dates and shit?Uh, I don't think I mean it's pilot season, so I'm pretty much hereSo you go out for pilot season as a writer or as an actress actress no shit. Who sends you out?Um, well right now it's through line my management companyOkay, I'm looking for I dropped all my agentsAnd managers like a few months ago, uh, because they dropped a ball. Chappelle asked me to open for him
01:46:39And then they dropped the ball on it. I don't think they believed meThey didn't believe you. Mm-hmmBut they also like I did I just reached my maximum with them like power wiseI just needed some a little bit more powerful people. I hear your name a lot. You got a lot of good things going onYeah, so I signed with through line, which is Jeff Ross and sarah silverman's management companySo they sent me out and then like they're trying to sell my scripts and stuffOkay, when I uhWhen I spoke to I thought you were right. They're just a beaver bros because I hear they're gonna roast. Oh, yeah
01:47:09I mean, I will be yeah. That's the next one. That's yeah. I will be working on that last night, right?He was at the company store somewhereI'm probably he loves usually the laugh factory. He loves that placeWhich is weird these friends are jamie or something like thatYeah, and he's like delia and him or good friends and stuff like that. So I don't knowBut uh, it's going to be interesting. I already started writing a bunch of jokes for itSo I don't know who I'm going to give them to yet, but we'll seeAre you here when jame misada
01:47:38Here's the one that gave one of those kids to michael jacks. Oh, yeah, that's rightOh, yeah, I've heard about that a lot which is what happenedWhich is why like when beaver goes there. I'm like be carefulJamie misada delivered a boy to be raped. Yeah, that's the rumorThat's the rumor, but that's also likeBut also like, you know the laugh factory like tapes all of their sets and stuffSo like whenever people were getting trouble like comics would get in troubleFor like saying something like tosh or like whoever it is
01:48:07He was selling up. He doesn't know that and I'll never forget when I first saw the richards oneI knew that was dead tape because their tape sound doesn't come inIf you ever tape a set at the laugh factory, you know visual is tremendousThe sound is completely like fuck. I had a great fucking set. I thought I could tape itIt don't sound right. So when I saw the tape, I knew jamey had sold out, of courseAnd it always says this happened at the laugh factory on sunset boulevard with and then gives the addressYeah, he's always in huffington post. He's got a direct line to fucking uh dmzHe's always enough. He writes a blog for huffington post. Well, that's why uh a lot of comics
01:48:47Like that's why louis ck won't go there anymore and like a lot of comics just don't perform there anymoreThat's why everybody's the store is like on this big surge becauseEverybody wants to perform there and nowhere elseWhich is nice. I'm happy. I'm back. I'm happy. I have a homeI can tell I have a home sarah. You have a home here anytime you want to come onYou know, I love you. I've been missing you. I've been wanting to call you for a whileBut I don't want to bother nobody you one of my favoritesWe didn't touch on the dad's talk, but I won't tell you since the last chat we had
01:49:18I've tried to be more aware of my daughter. I have this uhI had a great time with her tonight. She hates when I take her binkyRight. She fucking loses it. She loses it, but she gets to doHer things so I'll have my foot up and she'll climb on my legAnd then she'll put her feet at the edge right by my groin and just dive on me like an elbowAnd then try to take it from me whenever it says she lives so hardI'll tickle into thatThen she puts it down and tries to spin on me
01:49:50But tonight I had her by the back of her knee and I found that place tonight. She was going for she's likeSo whenever I'm like that with her like uhThis time she wants me to torture so she has to go sidewaysSo I can hold on like a baby and she doesn't want to tell me it's like my catI have a cat grade when I pick her up. She'll cry the whole timeBut once I have her locked in the computer, she's good to go. Her nose starts fucking getting wet drippingSo it's uh, every time I talk to you, I think about you a lot because I think about being a dad nowImportant is to her. I'm doing the gastric for her, you know, so I could be around until she's 15
01:50:30So I could tell her to close her fucking leg. That's not happening. That's not happening. You're not even leaving the houseI shoot everybodyI shoot everybody. There's no leg spreader pills anywayYou know, uh, and it's weird every womanI always thought women were a lot coolerI grew up with girls. I grew up with like three or four girls that were fucking killers like when I go out with themI go JesusThis girl's a fucking killer, you know, and I wouldn't be banging them enough and they were just friends of mine
01:51:04Like I said, I grew up with one girl in particular. I think a lot. I remember going out and gonna go and hold onLet's go get some drinksYou guys sit right here and she would go to the bar and come back with some poor bastardAll right, these are my friends. Lee. This is joey. How you doing?Come on. What do you want to do? You want to get some drinks and the guy would be stuck buying drinks for everybody the whole nightThese girls were fucking savagesSo whenever I meet a woman, I always I'm like thinking this girl's a savage and then she'll tell you somethingYou're like, wow
01:51:33I thought you were more of a savage. So that's why I just want to build the perfect savageI just need a couple fucking years. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, that's the title of your bookI just need toI just want to build the perfect savage. I just really do. I want to build the perfect savage as a female hands martial artsExplosives nimes throwing nimes, you know jumping off buildings the whole fucking thing by 10I was just like yeahBallet everythingYou know, listen, man, if you it's great. No, it's everything everything you gotta cover every fucking thing the flute
01:52:09The fucking banjo you got to do what you do and then explosives and explosivesPoses one on one you know how to make little devicesHow to put car bombs when you skateboard, you know I'm saying you fall you put the bomb under the carYou need little fucking girls get away with this shit. We're getting that only portman in the fucking professional. Nobody remembersJack off in the fucking room. You want a lady in the bedroom and the savage?I don't know about the bedroom. I don't say nothing about the fucking thingI'm just saying that like you're building the you know, like you want a girl. That's a lady and a savageI don't want to have that dumb emotion. I don't want to have that. What do you mean love? Just
01:52:48Dumb emotion. Yeah, like just weird emotion as a girl. I wanted to put that part of being a woman isFuck no, you gotta cut that right off. No, you gotta rip that out. It's a youngster. NoFuck that motherfucker. He comes home with alcohol in his breath. You fire that bitch. You understand?There's no second chances in your fucking bookThere's no there's no there's no scraps in your scrapbookDelicate you're so delicate, you know, I'm a man of many fucking words. I know you gotta get through to your daughter's door and talkYeah, you're a good dad. I'm happy. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm real fucking good. She's tooShe's fucking throwing the cats around
01:53:29We're gonna put her in date. She's already addicted to something the binky. Yeah, the binky the binky the pink carShe loves the binkyLee, what's up with you my brother? What do you got planned for the weekend?What are you taking mom at tomorrow's her birthday Thursday Thursday's her birthdayThis is the longest fucking birthday ever. She's been 25 for a week, huh? I know every dayWhat'd you do with her for that you rub her feet? I didn't see her today tomorrow. What are you thinking?Nowhere. She's cool. And then what about Thursday? Where you going? Her mama is making enchiladasI bought her a cake and you bought what kind of cake?
01:54:00Uh, there's a place on Van Nuys called like Hakes by Rumi and they used to be in this breakfast placeWe went to and they have great cakes and she wanted one from there. SoI gotta look at a dark chocolate cake or something like that. Look at youWhat are you doing Thursday? You gonna go over that? Yeah, she's her mom's making enchiladasThen what are you guys doing afterwards? I don't know you're taking her out. No, she's school. So no, no, noIt's her birthdayWhat when it's Thursday? That's why we were in San Diego. Yeah, but when it's your birthday on Thursday nightGuess what Thursday night becomes dick night dick night
01:54:36I know I'm not yeah, yeah, you don't want I want to give a shout out to my main motherfuckers here on itHelping you lifting lifting you're making you a better motherfucker making you perform better mentally physicallySpiritually that's up to you. You gotta join a cult and do whatever the fuckHonor is tremendous. I started on my alpha brain again last weekAnd I could tell the difference last week in Buffalo when I was on stageDo yourself a motherfucking favor. Why are we having this conversation again?Why go to honor dot com press and what leave church?Boom get 10% off
01:55:09Again start with the alpha brain 100 money back guaranteeYou don't like it. We don't want the product back. We'll shake hands and part friends. All right. That's how i'm rolling these daysNumber two iron dragon tv making motherfucking things happen for you nanotech my main manDave FoleyBusted it up up there again a tremendous roku channel if you're into classic martial arts filmsWorking out every fucking day Dave Foley's putting new projects up there new kung fu moviesNew stuff from honet new stuff from whoever the fuck again performance, but go on thereThat's the only way you're gonna know go to iron dragon tv dot com right now and press in joey
01:55:49Oh, shit get two free motherfucking films to get the party started. How's that? Who gives you that type of entertainment?Nobody talks aboutMartial art classic films telling the names it man serious. Oh shit taiji heroShit, uh jackie chin. Are you fucking kidding me? Who else? That's all I know. That's all he knowsGo on there right now. You're not gonna be fucking sad tremendous channel. They got a lot of things happeningYou want to get in with these guys? Let me get email. I'll do the whole thing iron dragon tv right nowWhat's the code word joey? Oh, shit?Let me ask you a question. How much longer you're gonna have those underwear on?
01:56:24How many times you're gonna open up your draw and there's gonna be white underwear with shit stains and bloodAnd fucking chlamydia juice and all that shit. You're fucking underwearYou know how you expect to get pussy if valentine's day is coming and you still got you're still living in 1980I'm a fucking fossil. You understand me and I wear me on theseThat's how tremendous when you have me on these lines like you're fucking flowingSo you don't even have underwear guys are sexy and that's right. Thank you and they have it for womenAlso, you'd be very sexy those also. I'm just sayingIf you want to go swimming or something
01:56:57The lady with little boxy shorts, it looks fucking nice and throws a guy offYou know I'm saying anybody can wear a fucking thong and have that string up your pussyIt gets all hard from the fuckingStomachia juice that comes out all day and jogging and walking up escalators and shit like thatYou don't want that hard string. It's like a fucking piece of string cheese and shit between your legs all dayWho needs that me on these come?Comfort at its best. I have a pair on right now. My nutsack is right in the middleI can't imagine what it makes you feel your vagina feel like
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01:58:50Right to your house, you know, I don't know where you stay right in your house. You mind your fucking businessYou sit there. You whack off ups comes you want to invite them in for lemonade?You can't have not tell them on delay and that's it. They get delivered to your houseBut you know what?Why fuck around go to nature box dot com right now and press in joeyOh, shit and get your free fucking nature boxDeliver right the house and you take it from there. You tell me if uncle joey's bullshitting you nutritious deliciousBeyond these a shout out iron dragon tv is shot out on it. I love you
01:59:21We'll be back next week with a calling show saratiana any dates nothingNo, I just follow me on twitter follow her on twitter at where at saratiana at saratiana get your shit togetherStay black uncle joey loves youThere's john lennon your fuck. Let's do this. We gotta get to the store. It's 1006. I have people to meetAll right now the show's over. I gotta sell that kilo. OkayNow that the show's over, don't forget to go to nature box dot comAnd sign up to get your free sampler box of great tasting healthy snacksForget the vending machine and start snacking smarter with delicious treats like barbeque kettle kernels
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02:02:01Some calling magic the search for theAnd you know thatYou gotta let it you gotta let it goSo keep on playing thoseTogetherIn the futureThat'sWe're judging now and again in space and time
02:03:23YesAnd you know thatYou've got to let it you gotta let it goSo keep on playing thoseTogetherTo the ritualDancing the songMillions of them
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