Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #252 - Sarah Tiana, Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: January 29, 2015

Sarah Tiana, Comedian and TV Writer, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:
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Recorded live on 01/27/2015.
 Music:
 If Your Girl Only Knew - Aaliyah 
Mind Games - John Lennon

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You think you're fucking flying around commando with wings on Go to me on these comm slash joey get 20% off your first order and right now They give you free shipping in the United States in Canada. Oh Shit so Wednesday motherfucking night right here It's snowing everywhere. We're over here fucking living like doctors the church of what's happening now bitches Saratia Joey Diaz and your main man the flying Jew kick it Lee Oh

That's it suck it that's it Flick it you filthy fucking animal. It's Wednesday night. What are you gonna do sit there Tuesday night? What are you gonna do sit there? What's dancing with stars like a fucking mutt get your shit together motherfucker? Saratiana in-house the flying Jew. What's up, baby? I'm already fucked up. That's the fucking gold. That's the process That's the result is telling you before Sarah got here that you've only seen me other than once I think with Steve Simone. You've seen me. I've always been fucked up She ain't judging nobody judging you Saratiana. Don't give two friends. No, but we saw you at the store And you thought I was too nervous to come say hello, but I was just fucked up and we were by the car

And you're like, oh, he's just nervous. I'm like, I'm fucked up Are you sure you weren't just nervous and fucked up that might that might be what happened? Look at me was a little blue shirt on what'd you get that shirt from? Oh, maybe look at sure Big spender Listen man fucking on Navy it it scratches the itch Well, I just I don't want to buy all new clothes in the middle of losing weight But I need some news to shake cuz the old stuff just it looks like it looks ridiculous when I wear it So it's crazy how many times they used to be an old Navy down by coconut Grove

When I do the improv I go right the fucking old Navy because they sold that shit They're cheap. Yeah, it's Miami. You can only wear that in Miami for a month. Yeah, so you go down and I'm like That's that's Michigan where that's fucking Midwest where for me busted. I go on and buy a whole wardrobe for 1850. Yeah Yeah, yeah, it's like three undershirts for Martians all those places across the country. Oh, especially when you're in Texas You're a fat motherfucker. Just hold off on clothing. Just wait. Do you go to Texas? There's a 2x a 9x everywhere else, you understand me they make those Texas people feel nice about them Oh my god, I just got back from Texas. I love it. It was my first time to Austin. It was so amazing

I've never been to Austin. I was like in love the whole time and we I was with Russell Peters So we played Austin City Limits. Oh my god. It was like 2500 I think you could still smell the music. Yeah I mean, it's like Willie Nelson was the first person to play there So it's like and I'm like, you know country girl like I grew up on like 80s country So like Willie Nelson and like Randy Travis and Ronnie Milstaff and shit like that that I just like love and like Isn't my dream just to go to that venue. So to be able to perform there was He was living in there for a fucking while. Really? I guess that's uh, Stephen Ray Vaughan live from

Austin City Limits. That's one of the big albums Do you get and do you get into that too Joey? Like excited for playing a specific venue or even if it's not a music Money, but just like a cool old comedy club for the first time I guess for a minute. I guess yeah Some of the thing wears off after a few times that you play But every time I'm there, I always remember why I'm there. It might not be Thursday night It might not be Friday night, but by Saturday the second show I realized why I'm there and Well, the last time I was here kind of bombed the first show on Saturday

This time I did well, you know, you look at who performed there. Well, when I first walked into the store I was in awe You know just being on that carpet that original room that little space. Yeah that little space. Oh my god I've died there and lived there and That was like the first time I went to the condo at the comedy store Down in La Jolla and like that was before they redid it, you know They redid it recently so like all the furniture kind of made you itch and it was like wicker and I was like Yeah, but that might have been his fault

This is also, you know, like kinesin probably passed out on this couch. So it's okay. I'll take those cooties I saw some weird shit in that fucking condo. That was like I saw a rat in there Oh, I saw a rat in there. That was fucking so big. I just put the clothes back. Did you see? I'm gonna tell you another story. I saw a rat in there. That was so fucking big. Then I seen his cousin outside in front of the fucking joint But the best was one I was passed. I was doing blow. No, he can Zala has a bunch of us were down there And I opened up they had the headliner room and I opened it up and there was a chick face down No, completely fucking naked

Legs spread And when I walked by her like Christmas morning, it's a gift. Oh my god, but there was other guys women in the room there was like two chicks And like three guys, but they were like the guys that worked at the bar Like the guys that worked at the La Jolla Comley store. Oh, wow And the chick was just laying and I just left I was like, that's fucking amazing. Let's come of my life Yeah, I don't I don't see that anymore. It's just dirt and filth

But like I remember one time before they renovated it I had brought like food and I opened up the microwave to heat it up And all of these flies and maggots flew out Somebody had left something in there that literally like Turned from maggots to flies to like every, you know, like it had been in there a while The fucking vultures came out. Yeah, I was like no one in the store. They'll try to clean this They won't just buy a new microwave

Fucking ideally like you're they gonna make You know clean this those couches, but yeah when you're a comic and you first go to la Jolla You've made it. Oh, yeah The first time you go to la Jolla, you overlook everything the dirty tubs. They used to be aroma milk walking. It's still there Uh, whatever the fuck it is the comedy club in Milwaukee. It was owned by a biker He was the vp of the fucking club and whatever the and they whatever they did. Who knows he had a stroke But he was huge. This guy was six six four hundred And on Thursday night, it was mandatory

That all the comics and him went out to this place. They closed the restaurant just for you and their specialty was prime rib And you ate prime rib till it came out of your fucking eyeballs on And then on saturday no matter what the weather was He cooked outside it could be it's Milwaukee guys. Whoa Packers snow He grilled outside steaks and you could buy into Whatever he cooked like the people who come into the show But the condo

Was so disgusting The tub was fucking them The furniture that they had a water bed in the bed liners room from the 70s Still the same water probably And it just shook and I slept on it for one night. I couldn't I couldn't I was like no fucking way You know, you who knows but when you first go and you're on the road You overlook that. Oh, you're like, this is being a comic, you know worst condo ever Chilku charlies. Oh in Alaska. Oh my fucking god

The windows were broken. So they just put tape and cardboard all of them The room I was in was a third of this room It was a bed When they showed me the room the sheets it's like somebody slept in there the night before And the sheets were like sideways on them like they just got up in a rush or something Oh, you don't fucking know I just stayed up there like last year and how was the condo? It was like a triplex though. It's like a it wasn't it was a house this time Was it across the street? It was down the street. Okay. This was

And how old was it? Was it clean? I mean, it was pretty clean. They still do comedy in Chilku charlie Yeah, yeah, I was just there like a year ago. Who books it? Um stan hopes buddy. Yeah, and I Yeah Dave Right, I don't remember his name He hasn't booked me again. So I said fucking lio Chilku charlies. Yeah, it was fun. I mean they gave me a car. They gave me like this like, um Old beat-up SUV, but it like it felt great. I felt like I was in the country again

Like it was really hard to close the door like you had to slam it like a bunch and I was afraid I was going to get Locked in there and like Um, sometimes the gas pedal stuck. I was like, this is like growing up the cars. I had to drive growing up You know, I was there in 95 opening up for Todd Jordan. Wow And I took biggest mistake in my life. I took the stripper with me It was four days Oh in alaska, yeah, it's already four days of how to bring this girl with me I'm surprised you did that because I was stupid. I didn't know at that age. I didn't know I was an open miker

I was just starting to feature And I said, let me bring her up then she was a stripper to the end. She's still stripping. No Yeah, she's still stripping 20 years later. She works as a psychologist and she strips I spoke to her last week on the way to somewhere The boyfriend she had because she was engaged He went to jail He just got out friday because she posted a picture on my facebook I mean this chick this poor girl's the kisser. She does psychiatry and she's a stripper

Well, that's good. So she can give herself her own help. She's a millionaire. No Yeah, and the place she works at it's hand jobs for Blow jobs for 100 and she'll fuck you for 200 She still does that still doesn't wow. I know it off the books and she's said it to me. You know, yeah, she's crazy This chick is fucking crazy that's sticking true to your roots I remember the one I first started dating when they she came up. She goes some guy offered me 60 bucks to Suck my asshole to lick my asshole and I go did you take it and she goes no because he was a truck and he had coffee breath When somebody's like that's how fucking demented she was guys

But anyway, I love it across the street from choco was a fish store Mm-hmm They had the halibut and they grilled this halibut and a bunch of bodybuilders were going there And I remember going in and a piece of fish was fucking off the charts like lemony peppery really No, there wasn't any like it was really hard for me to find a good restaurant up there Yeah, I ended up finding like kind of like like this organic place that like made their own stuff So it was a little bit better

But like everything was just like tater tots and fried pickles and stuff like that, which is delicious I can eat that for a couple days, but not at seven, you know Any like whole like good, you know, and you're in Alaska. You're like, I want salmon and halibut like all the good fish from here Was it freezing? No, I was there in um, I think October Um, and there's not I just I thought in Alaska. They'll just know all the all around. No, no, no, no, no No, I went for a hike on the on that mountain Mount uh, it's called like a flat top mountain. It's like a two-hour hike. It was beautiful

You can see the whole town and then I went to a park and like looked for moose because there were like moose droppings everywhere It was weird I went to like some reservoir where there were bears How long was how long was the week up there? It was uh five or six days. I think yeah It was a while But you know, they only do it for like a third of the year because it's dark For part of the time And then the rest of the time is summer and nobody goes out

Like there nobody goes to see comedy when it's nice out because they only have like a couple months of like really great weather so It's hard to get people to come to a show I was a long fucking time. Yeah, they still do it. Yeah. I feel like maybe the location might be different too Really like mooch open challenge. I mean, I don't it's a huge place. Do you remember? Yeah, there was another place I remember playing there. Do you remember uh darwin hines? He was a comic um at the comedy store Definitely when you were there like the before the you know, I remember the name

old black guy and he uh He had a joke about pope benedict. He was like pope benedict. Wait, you ain't no omelet motherfucker Like And we used to crack up because like that makes no sense But it was so funny just the way he said it and he took me up there the first time and it was it was another club that it was like downtown and it was like an embasement of this bar and uh I because there were two at the time there were scoots and then there was another one and they still just they still do Coots, but they don't do the other one. They do two in Anchorage and there was one in the other town

When you would shoot downtown a little propeller plan. Oh, yeah, no, I did not take it for help I never is no, I wouldn't take it. I got roof feed there the first time I was okay And nothing bad happened to me I'll just say that before I finish the story but yeah, I could tell because I because the owner would take us out to dinner every night and Uh, I had a big dinner and then I had like half a drink and I couldn't walk And then I realized it so and they said, you know to be careful, you know Because it's a big problem up there and you know, they're like 13 men to one woman and

That's what they say about Alaska. The odds are good, but the goods are odd. That's like they're saying up there And uh, and it's true But I think it was a girl that did it to me I bet yeah, because I remember I won't I went to my hotel room I was really hard for me to get my contacts out I remember that and I remember laying down and I woke up in my clothes the next day and my boyfriend Aaron Cater at the time like called me. I was like, how do you have this number? He's like, you called me four times last night. Just telling me

crazy stories And I had no recollection to this day. I have no recollect which is the weirdest thing like that's the weirdest part about like something like that happening to you like not having a memory is Crazy have you been roofing before that was the only time And to this day is the only time but you know when I think about like All this cosby shit and stuff going down and I'm just like it's like the scare and like nothing bad even happened to me Except that to like I don't have that I've lost all of that memory like that chunk of a night when apparently I was making phone calls and

You know like who knows Like I probably was so fucked up. I watched like an adam sandler movie or something crazy. I mean horrible I'm just joking. I'll tell you what's fucking nuts that I just read the last accusation Of this fucking savage from 1969 or whatever whatever the lady that was the publicist And he he was friends. He introduced him to the wife And he would go to the house to watch movies or something that latest one She woke up and he had a robe on and stuff

but it was too early because uh Nobody really knew about date rain, right? I gotta tell you something. I sat there for about seven minutes. Just listen because I had the earphones on Listen to music while I was reading it And I thought of all the fucking creepy shit. I've done all the creepy shit. I've done, you know I've never wanted to do something like that. Like it was never in my If you can't get a piece of pussy straight up, then don't get it. That's it. You ask them You enter you know, you get a little creepy. You push a little bit

Let's do another cocktail if it says no, let's say that's that's that's that's the You know, that's the human thing to do You know, there used to be a chick. I used to get drunk because I knew if I'd get a drunk I'd give her a stabbing But then she kept hanging out with me. So nobody's feelings got hurt. You know what I'm saying? She like getting drunk with uncle joey but But

When you give like when you trick somebody and fuck them when they're passed out Yeah, like think about it. You're fucking somebody when they're passed out That's a complete different that's a whole different phobia sickness. Um Well, that's like an addiction like that. It's like it's like fucking a cadaver like right build up fucking cadaver So what do you do? Do you take pictures of these women? I mean this guy, how do I feel about it? That's what he was into. I think it was a power thing I think was it anybody else that you know, is he the only guy that's ever done this? I mean, no, but This guy is just I mean for years. He's walked around with no conscious

Right, and it's just and he's laid his judgment on others on others and have you fucking away Yeah, and to and to just think of what he did in a minute way that he drugged a woman He got their trust or whatever the fuck he did and yeah, maybe the girls are playing with fire too I always think like what are they doing in the room? I mean I was raised on the different things Saturday. Yeah, I was raised that if i'm dating sarah tia And I got up to go to the bathroom at least it's next to sarah. It's sarah's job to say hey dog Get the fuck up. Mm-hmm. Now people chit chat everybody wants to be your fucking friend So, uh, you know, you got a boyfriend. What the fuck you don't hang out with joe d is it during the morning?

Come on. Yeah, we're friends. What the fuck? Everybody wants to be fucking friends and when people get smacked. I were just friends What the fuck so I was raised that there's boundaries. You see your friend's girlfriend out you wave You have to say nothing or go up hug him. Where's your boy? Oh, he's working. I'll give you a ride Why are you putting yourself there? You just wave from a distance. That's how I was raised and you eliminate All the fucking riffraff, but you know a girl's got a husband. You know the guy's got a wife He's a movie star you move to la The guy calls you and says meet you in a restaurant. He wants to talk about your career

We don't know better, right? I mean, you don't know about the first lot of things Most of these girls were between 15 and 19. So I I think you're really naive. Yeah So I think you're really naive to a lot of the situation that you're getting into and you go Oh, this is that sweet guy from tv. Like you don't think that he's gonna do something horrible to you It's like mr. Rogers, you know, you don't but he wasn't mr. Rogers in 1969 He was a fucking comic that was on i spy is some fucking tv. Yeah, this is for sure Even then Yeah, I mean most of these are from the 80s though, right? Most of these allegations are from the 80s

Is it the 80s? I thought it was 1969 The new the last one that came out was 69 But yeah, it was all through the 80s probably just until you couldn't fuck anymore If you think about it Well, I think that what I'm more disturbed about is I think that there are a lot more people that knew about it A definitely other comics like a definitely his wife Well, his wife moved back to boston to get away from him when just now Well, no, like when they were because they moved out

I read one of the first articles that said they they moved out here and then she didn't like the way he was acting So they she moved with the kids back to boston and he would go back and forth Yeah, I mean, I feel like you you your hand is on the coffee cup your fingerprints are on there, too If you knew about it and didn't say anything I mean your guilt, you know what I mean, like it's it's and my for almost always my first uh instinct is to say well Maybe these people are just trying to get money and it doesn't even have to be right, but any kind of situation like this

But now that there's like 20 or 30 Oh, yeah, I just I think it's for me. It's me hanging on to the Cosby show mr. Cosby Who that everyone loves and it's You don't want to think that they're doing that No, you don't want to think that but that's usually the people that are the most fucked up or the people that have That are like living this like straight edge life, you know what I mean? Like not being honest and forefront all the time, you know, I mean who's gonna be like my addiction is to cross through a sleep I think somebody's gonna talk about that but when I was when I was I was fucking crazy and I was doing drugs

And and you know, I've heard of a thousand drug stories. I was never a pill guy. I was a coke guy So you were always awake I was hoping you'd fucking fall asleep. You're always fucking awake, you know But I was thinking about one night. I gave a girl aspirin I told it was coke. I crushed up aspirin and she was fucked up on the aspirin guys. It was Right, it was this whole mental thing. I was at this thing and this girl was annoying I guess she kept saying I know you have cocaine. I know you have cocaine Hold on one second and I crushed up a fucking bear aspirin and I put an aluminum foil

I made like a big scene. I just got this from nori anger don't tell nobody And I put it out and she snorted and all some guys she started fucking join And I hip started it was the wildest thing I fucked around I've done that shit. Yeah, but uh, I don't know. I just don't get she's passed the fuck out How much fun could that fucking be and it can't I don't think it has to be a sex thing because Probably feel cause we went to any bar. He could get really anybody That's the problem. The problem is I think that the addiction is that he can't get anybody. That's not what he wants He wants somebody that doesn't

Know what he's doing. I mean, who knows what he's doing to them while they're asleep. You know what I mean? He could have all these so like the only way he can get off is like some certain Like rubbing his dick on your face or something like who knows what it is And maybe he just doesn't want to have to deal with telling somebody that so he gets them to go to sleep And then does whatever he does I read the one where he gave the girl the girl said she had a headache And he gave her the pill but he didn't rape but she got out of there Before it happened or something like that. But she realized that she wouldn't nobody would ever believe her

Walks around with these fucking pills Somebody's gotta have a record of these pills. It's gotta be a doctor You know, he was at a party one night. Well, are there other prescriptions the spanish fly bit too, right? Listen, the spanish fly was something you bought out of a fucking magazine in the 70s. All right, and Like I said, one time me and my buddies bought it ordered it and we didn't know who to give it to So we gave it to one of the guys grandmother. This isn't a fucking joke. What is it? It's supposed to get your horned up. We just put it in a girl's drink It was a capsule and you open up the capsule and he makes a girl like crazy. Yeah, but it was sold

But okay, so this is let's say where'd he get this stuff You know, one guys get together at those creepy fucking hollywood parties And there's always that one guy that's like, oh my god, you want to get laid? Give this to a chick. You'll fuck her all night, you know And when I was growing up it was quaillards So this is a girl did a quaillard. I never zapped a girl with a quaillard I always asked the girl you want to do a half a lude and they look at you and then you'd say You know what's gonna happen and they giggle because they call them like spreaders

But that only happened to me like two times when a girl took one and you took them home and everybody was copicetic on the fucking morning That was something that was consensual. Yeah, because you were partying. Everybody's doing cope You asked her if she wanted it. She said yeah You want a half a biscuit, but I tell you sarah you do this half a biscuit They call them like spreaders for fucking reason. That's what they call them But where the fuck did you get those things the legs betters? No, no, he's talking about roofies Yeah, I don't know where you even get those

I mean that's definitely I used to get them in boulder when I lived in boulder A friend of mine used to get them. They were in aluminum foil. Whatever they called roofing all roofing all. Yeah I was eating them myself. I was splitting them Eating them and going to parties and just doing a couple bumps Mm-hmm. Why were you taking roofing all? Because it wasn't down. It was a party. It's they're not bad You're not gonna black out unless you fucking you're not you get gum beat up at this time. You also were doing coke I wasn't yeah, I wasn't three fucking hundred pounds. Then this is when I was

But you do a roofie with coke that's different, right? I know I was really fucking poor then And the roofies are like four bucks five bucks and my friend had a neon shop And I'm it's coming to me now we get the roofies up there and they came in aluminum foil And I popped the fuel them and then once I went to a barbecue And the kid the host's daughter Was like what's going on? What do you have for the head? I go on and that's a roofie And we each ate a roofie when I got a gram of blood and we ended up back in the house

But we didn't fuck we passed out swapping spinners. I never heard of people taking roofies themselves I always I was that all no you could eat those fucking things. Oh Jesus Yeah, I mean and I also heard of a pill called the Paris blues Okay Well, I took 198 because I went to I always get educated on the church just Like I don't know anything about when I was a senior in high school. I was friends with this guy He was the driver red teacher in high school and he was also the one of the football coaches in the run back And I really liked him

He was there for me after my mother died The Cadillac company the Cadillac company gave him two Cadillacs With pedals on both sides. He would take you out to lunch. You could just sign up at 945 With mr. McGrath and you could Talk mr. McGrath or anything So me and all my buddies broke sign up for 945 sign up for 945 We'd all call him mr. McGrath and we'd make him first take us to chans dragon and And then we mr. McGrath pull over at the liquor store. Are you fucking guys kidding me?

Come on mr. McGrath pull over at the liquor store. So we make mr. McGrath pull over at the liquor store We buy an eight pack of nips The six ounce beers there's six ounce and they ate two or things so you could drink those real fast So we go to chans get a steak on a stick. I would drive on the way to chans For driver get it in. Yeah when you were 16 and a half you drove to chans Oh, is it student first and then we switched drivers and we'd go to liquor store and then switch drivers again Then go someplace close to the school and then put McGrath in the driver's seat We pop the eight beers and go back to the high school. This is fucking crazy. I'm telling this story

So this went on with mr. McGrath was a cool motherfucker. I love mr. McGrath So this went on throughout our junior year and senior year one time in the car. We were in union city We were at this plate. There was a car valve. You know the car values. It's a tremendous ice cream Oh, the car valve ice cream. Yeah. Yeah next to it was a bar called the bottom of the barrel Okay, where if you leave that sounds like a fancy place. It was huge This place was huge too far out of the barrel. It was a mafia place That if you read Henry Hill, yeah, if you read Henry Hill's book, that's we had real hung out A lot of the gambino's hung out there in Jersey on the Jersey side. So me and mr. McGrath

We're driving. I'm like mr. McGrath. I gotta show you something and I whipped out a double barrel shotgun In those days, the double barrel shotgun was the thing you put in your nose Had two barrels and then it turned into one like a straw and I had a spoon at the end And you would scoop up blowing just go and do it So we're in the car. I'm a fucking senior. It's like November of 81 and I'm in the car. He's driving and the car starts stalling, right? And I'm like mr. McGrath watch this and he smoked camel cigarettes non-filter Oh, wow. So his fingers were orange. Yeah, and he had a mustache and it was orange

So I used to call him camel breath and he would lose his mind, right? And I remember doing the double barrel shotgun Right in front of like nothing and he's like, what the fuck are you doing? I get 10 years and that was it We never discussed drugs again. He was pissed at me for a while And the day I graduated I graduated like on the thursday Once I was officially out of school one day. We were having a conversation We bought blow. I that's what happened We stole blow and I told him I had it and he came over with another teacher, mr.

Teranova saved my life a year later And then mr. T came over and I was like two o'clock jones and they're like, so we hear you hit the mother-love What we don't get and I go here's a gram and then mr. T goes Let me get another gram come by the school on friday and I'll pay you he was teaching summer school This is fucking tremendous, right? Oh my god. This is all coming to you. No This is like a tuesday. I give mr. McGrath the fucking blow I call tea and I go mr. T. Do you have that 60 bucks and he goes called george So I call mr. McGrath and mr. McGrath did the 60 bucks. He goes come over

So I go to mr. McGrath's house He I walk up the stairs. He's a little have you been to his house before? Maybe maybe not at this point. I go to his house. It's june of 82 I woke up the fucking stairs. He goes come on come into my room Now I'm feeling a little fucked up. I come into my bedroom We go in his bedroom. He goes locked the door locked the door He goes in his closet. He takes a box and they takes another box Takes a mirror down with those pimple mirrors

It's got coke on it and he goes you think that shit you gave me the other night was coke taste this shit He puts the mirror down. I'm looking at him going. What the fuck did you get this nose on my blast? I'm fucked up And he starts taking the old hat boxes He's taking them opening them up and taking our bags of blow and he goes Do you know what I've been doing for the last three years you fucking did he I deliver coke For people who don't want to spits around Hysterical so let's say you're white and you're a dentist. You don't want a spanish person delivering cocaine They would call him he would deliver the blow with a suit on. Hey, he's a real estate guy. Yeah, how you doing?

Because he looked good. He was a bill. He was a bill guy. You could pass him as a school teacher as a coach whatever So that became our relationship for about that was it we were just tight me in the camp when I would go to the Satsumograph give me an eight ball. I give you the money tomorrow. I owe this guy Close to 1800 fucking dollars and one night he goes, all right, you got to make deliveries with me So he took me to a party It was like a very fancy Like people drinking wine. I had never seen that before like wine I don't like a wine glass

Like I hang out at a bar where people drink fucking like people drink wine. I don't fucking glass These motherfuckers were sniffing it and eating grapes and shit So he gave the coke to this fucking lady and the lady gave him This little in those days, there was this little manila envelopes And then the manila envelope was two pills And I go one of these and he goes here take these He goes take them when you're fucked up. I'm blow but only take a half of them And I go what on and he goes they call they call them Paris blues on the street

Not just these fucking people eat. They don't eat quailas. They go a little level above Oh, and you know me. I'm these are the wine drinkers with the Paris blues. Oh, that sounds so you understand me They were eating Paris blues. They weren't drinking it at the bottom of the barrel bar Fucking tremendous. Oh my god. So we went I ate the whole fucking Paris blue. No Fuck up. I woke up on somebody's couch and I'm like, what happened? Oh, you don't know And then I robbed the gas station with lubes This is still going on. This is the summer night. No, maybe about three weeks later. My tab was up to about 1800 I got them for like six eight balls at 300

And I called we had robbed this gas station because my buddy worked there and there was an inside job So it was perfect. We robbed them We counted the fucking money and there was a bag a brown bag and it was filled with dollar bills If you looked at it and I go, sir, what's in here? You go 10,000 Perfect We call mr. McGrath Mr. McGrath, you got any coke? I got nothing. Fuck it. You're shut down. Don't call me until you have my 1800 I got you 1800 and then some cocksucker

Be on your corner with an eight ball five minutes and I remember pulling up. He's outside all nervous We just gave him the bag. He looked at it. He was way you guys got this don't ask and we gave him 10 We also robbed those booklets to get into new york city without money To the ones that you gave the toll because it was the last gas station in jersey So they had thousands of those things those things were 50 bucks a piece We were pimping them out for 20 bucks after we gave the camel two of them. He was all excited But an hour later I call him back. Mr. McGrath. How was that? Fuck you There was only 300 dollars in there because there was 300 singles, but it looked like a fucking, you know, right

Who gives a fuck? We say I I just want to take you through So the Paris blues like what was the difference and like that you said it was like fancier than a quay It was it was a I used to eat all those crazy things at least one time I don't even know what a quail would do to you So I don't even know why i'm asking the question like what's the difference because I don't even know Like you drink a vodka. You like what are you like? What's your I like whiskey or bourbon? Okay, so you do a little bourbon to open up something like with ice to cut the first one Then you pop a half a loot just to get the party started get a little loose your shoulders get loose

You start hugging people. Hi. How are you? You know saying and you pop another one then you fucking eliminate the ice cube and you go deep a quail was like They're all in a sleeping pill family. I see it's how much you drink before you pass the fuck out But I had a friend his name was the Lopez's The Lopez's the Lopez's one guy. There's a couple brothers in the system You're like, I had a friend his name was the Lopez's They were crazy They used to shoot people at night with fucking BB guns and shit

They would drive around and we're kind of crazy people and they didn't like me They didn't like me later on but they had to do business with me I had why did they garden for you or no, I had robbed a friend of theirs one time A coke from her friend of theirs who it was kind of that coke but they couldn't prove it So after that they really didn't like me but they couldn't do anything about it because they didn't have proof But their mother was dying of cancer. This is the most fucked up story ever their mother was dying of cancer Oh, this is the most She was like level five dying of cancer like there's four and there's five

So they were sending the tumor balls Tumor balls were these fucking things that were You know cousins to like heroin and fucking explosives put together So funny the way you describe drugs is like the way I described the menu at a cracker barrel. I'm like, you got to try this this was Me and this kid Mike Kishka. We used to call him to me because he ate tumor balls Okay, so I was just not because he sold luggage. No, his real name was Mike Kishka But I used to call him to me because he used to just eat tumor balls

And the initials on a tumor like when you look at a pill they always say something And this pill it was f66. What are you fucking nuts? So So people just look at you go. We're gonna take an f66 that meant you were going down late. Hold on. Let me make a call Let me let people know I'm gonna be gone for a few days and shit So you just like hibernate like you just fall asleep No, I knew how to eat those things. I would always eat half Have a few poop off vokas because in those days I couldn't swish swish the swing the wolfschmidt

Does wolfschmidt silver? That's when you know, you're pimping big Wolfschmidt's big vodka was big when I was younger now. It's fucking grape flavored fucking Cattle and all that shit But po po v is the shit that you drank on the street Poop off you drank it with a gatorade like a mother fucker whatly gatorade with a fucking gorilla biscuit. Stop it I still can't drink vodka because of high school. Really? It's gross It doesn't really have a taste but I just that like gasoline like like plastic jug vodka that you're talking about just disgusting I used to have a friend that would drink vodka straight and call it cough medicine

Under the car. Yeah, he would pull the bottle Yeah, it's like that movie leaving las vegas like when he would just drink like just chug the bottle and it would like it It like harmed me just that movie just like that alcoholism like we were just like, oh my god like I don't know I'm gonna make a fucked up statement. Oh, I don't like drinking Okay, but when I used to drink I used to drink like I could drink Like I could really drink with a couple lines in me. I'll fucking take you down

I remember walking until compulsion and was it always alcohol like like like a like hard liquor or was it beer? Whatever I was never a beer guy, but once you're in the bag of blow you drink fucking, you know paint you just thirsty Yeah, you just you got to kill that dehydration So I liked I went through phases like as a kid. I got really sick and I never drank again Once you get to high school, you're forced to drink peer pressure like social activities So I would drink beer. We went to different high schools. Just so you know, I would drink bud nips I always looked by bud wiser nips for me to like beer It had to be real fucking cold and we used to rob beer trucks

So I got forced to drink fucking warm beer the doors and that's the fucking worst I didn't like wine if I had a drink I went through all the phases Like when I was younger, I was eating gorilla biscuits. Yeah, quailudes. I would drop the fucking vodka And the honors used to the vodka gatorade of the vodka lemonade. Then I went to southern comfort And got really sick on new years eve and that was I don't like southern comfort And then I went to something that I still love today But I'm scared to drink because I like to taste so much Uh doers doers on the rocks opened up a complete fucking different door for me of alcohol

It went from not liking alcohol to now enjoying a fucking doers And don't touch that fucking ice cube because I will smack you in the fucking face Get a shot and put it next to me right there and then bring me another drink another glass with just three ice cubes And I'll fucking mix them up in my home. All right. There's a mixture I got in there, right? Yeah, and then to kill the coke without pills You got to do rusty nails and bamboo in scotch. But bam and that's a headache and a fucking half Then there's another thing I used to drink 43

And something else mixed and people were looking me and go what are you fucking kidding me? 43, what's that? It's a liquor And it's uh, and I used to drink and not with grand magnate There was something that you had to I forget the name in there and then I would get smooth I like irish cream on the rocks I like emits and orange juice Which is irish cream, but it doesn't irish cream if you put irish cream and orange juice a little Congogulate, what the fuck that word is curdle curdle. That's the word. But if you put emits, it don't curdle

Oh interesting So during the week I would take a quailu and just drink emits just to trick you Let you think I was going down, but I was watching I was watching your cock sucker. I didn't think I'd take him You know what I'm saying? I would trick your motherfucking ass Yeah, what fuck you? It's so funny how uh, our experience of the 80s was totally different Or high school, you know what I mean? Like I like didn't even drink till my senior year

Like I just like never I was like I was in like one of those groups that was like the just say no Groups and we would travel all over Georgia and like singing and dancing about not doing drugs. And then I was like, this is stupid Um, I don't want to be this person and then I started Just drinking I was part of like six groups and we said yes to every We said fucking yes, like I was 16 17 seems like a more more fun stories You know, there was this kid's name was joelucci. He lives in like Orlando, florida

How you remember all these people's names? I don't even know how you do that parties That was tremendous. He had parties before big concerts He's the one that if you want a sad and Ted Nugent Judas priest You knew to go to his house at five that it was on right and one time we were going to a concert I had a little viola cocaine with a spoon on it. I popped the quail and I went down It was so excited about the concert. I started down in those fucking lips I woke up I got four that had gone to the console left me in the backyard But the girl upstairs saw me and she fucking called like the cops on me

She said that I was OD and backed it because I got up and puked out I really did OD kind of that night. I drank too many beers in a rush. I get all fucking rushed up in those days Yeah, what are you gonna do those years for me like 16 to 18 I was looking to blackout my mom passed And I was when I went out at night those years I went out to blackout It wasn't I was like 18 when I was like Joey That's it with the blackout tonight. So we just gotta go out and be smooth I talked to people but I would go out during the week

To blackout. It wasn't to get laid. It wasn't to really The that was it the guys I hung out with I would have to call them every morning go What happened, right? You know, I went out with 800 and a ring. I came home with three iou's empty fucking pockets. What happens? We went to white castle. We went here and it just and then when I moved to colorado was like the first time I stopped Because I was getting sick from the alcohol I would get sick at night I could drink one drink or 50 drinks and I get sick in my sleep and that forced me to stop

So I didn't drink for years after that. That's what forced me to stop drinking But when I was snorting stop, I loved it I love cold Budweiser I would get fucking two cases of cold Budweiser in a can And alternate six packs in the refrigerator in the freezer So by the time you got that sixth one, it went down like a fucking soldier league Like cool. Did you ever drink cool as beer cold? I'm on you. It's nothing. Nothing. It's like you're drinking fucking water I love cold beer. You love cold beer. Are you gonna drink beer? I drink it on ice sometimes

Like just like a like a soda. I don't know. I can't do that. I never tried to I goes down really fast I used to paint bad tubs with this dude 84 John Tizio and he used to make me go get Fucking eight ounce Budweiser and he'd freeze him He'd have a thing with ice and he'd put them in there and once he got the two beers He forced me down there. So he kept freezing There's nothing like cold beer. I don't drink beer no more last night I went for Italian food

And I was thinking I got the spicy muscles and shrimp and I go that's a good opportunity The slam of fucking beer down the kid was there. So I changed my mind. I got embarrassed for the two-year drinking You see that kid you remember that shit as a two-year-old, so I'm like that drink a beer I hold her a fucking beer and next thing you know, she's dancing at some club called Lulu's Psychiatrist on the side How was your daughter good? Yes, she's really good. I'm seeing the love between her and my wife I've had good things happen in my life and bad things happen in my life and I've made good

I've done really good things. I always knew that Terry would be a good mom And I'm seeing it before my eyes how everything's changed We went to lunch today. I met her later on. I went to write today with the agustino and I met her at Jersey motherfucking mice. I got my salad today half tuna tub of the sub Keep better than me 300 fucking calories leifers and I had a nice lot of onions a lot of fucking tomato Baboom a lot of lettuce a little vinegar oil Light on the fucking oil extra on the vinegar heavy on the oregano the crushed pepper

But gives the salad a whole different fucking patois who needs bread That doesn't really sound like a salad bread is for pussies If you know if I would put cheese in there and shit then yeah, it would it wouldn't have been a salad It was a nice salad tuna salad is nice get half the tuna though But they were too much mayo and no they don't then you dilute it with the fucking lettuce You dilute it leave you fucking mix it into the lettuce. That's the whole thing Okay, you know what the fuck is wrong. I don't know. Are you guys like on a diet together? We're trying to be healthy. Oh, okay. We're trying to represent. You know, I want to live

I'm gonna having the gastric bypass. So you are I'm 50. You know, I'm sick and tired of fucking jumping up and down I need a break. I need a jump if I get a job. I could maintain It's time for me to fucking you're not big enough to get that though. Are you? Yeah, I'm 46 or something 44 bpm You gotta be over 40 or something. Oh interesting That seems like a like that's an infat shows Tsl you were watching those. Yeah, this is gonna pile up. Yeah, we watch it a lot the 900 pound black woman the other night Oh, yeah, they fucking waiter. She she had her on a diet. She she gained 100 pounds on the fucking diet

Yeah, well, because they're not doing the diet. They picked her up They took six guys to pick her up. They put her on the scale They they tried to measure it to make sure the scale was working. She's sitting there going. I haven't eaten for years She gained like 100 fucking pounds They realized the neighbor was slipping her food through the window like an animal throwing turkey legs I like how do you get that bit like because I know Ralphie may like at one point he lost 400 pounds and he was still 400 pounds Like that's so Yeah

Like how do you like how like that's like a condition, right? Like there's something wrong with like your your body doesn't metastasize like called laziness. Yeah, well because No, it can't just happen. It's called. It's called lazy because it happened so quickly when you start really getting weight You really start I had it. I had it. They jumped up there. I was 418 my love. Yeah, I was four right after the longest yard I was four fucking 18 You were probably like 50 pounds. I'm just giving up and just going on. I've ever done the longest yard Ask Ari next time you see him the pastrami sandwich is Steve Simone. He's mentioned it Steve Simone whenever they would come to the set. I was eating

five of those They soaked those things in butter the bread was soaked. That's why they were so good Because they toasted the bread on the grill with butter Then they put this thick fat pastrami with cheese melting Making me hungry. You know, why are you fucking kidding me? Anybody who came on the set I go Get my friend the pastrami sandwich. Yes, indeed. Mr. Diaz and make him quickly No

No, you wouldn't like that Steve Simone sandwich. I got fucking aria pastrami sandwich I don't fuck around dog. I was eating five or six of those. That's not talking about three meals You know, new york super fudge chunk and 16 sodas that while I'm at the store You know, because that was my killer the fucking soda the cans of coke that was it. That's Yeah, that's that's the mac daddy. That's the american killer. Everybody's blaming everything else That's the main one you pop a soda for breakfast. You're doomed You're doomed and how many americans pop a fucking soda for breakfast How many motherfuckers pop I did it for years. I couldn't imagine

A breakfast without a fucking can of coke two or three couldn't fuck fuck army's juice When I live in florida, let the fuck I don't live in fucking florida or georgia A big pimple in NYC and shit eating buttered rolls and stuff regular coke is my hangover cure That's it. That's that's the only time I drink it. It's when I put fried rice with a fucking stop It's so sweet though. I I had it for the first time in a couple months over the weekend I I couldn't finish the glass. It's like it's way sweeter than I thought it was once you weigh off coke for a long period I can't even die. I'll sweet now for me. Oh, okay. I like dine. Dine coke I love but like if I have a hangover at just one coke cola. I feel so much better cosby's back

Look at Cosby if she's just falling out the window right now with the fucking white robot The prescription bottle and she made out the lisa yet. Well, you that's so what lisa yet Leave You're sitting over there all miserable. I'm not miserable. Yeah, everything. All right. You look at tight Look at you want to eat enough. Let's eat another half of stuff. No, thank you. Mom is here. Let's do it Let's let mama have someone know we're gonna go deep tonight. That was the deal. We're gonna see the devil and his cousin He was trying to freak me out and I was here in between podcasting texting me like every five minutes Call your mother your ears are gonna ring for the next couple days

Go give your girlfriend a hug Bring you to roller skates and I'm just getting paranoid. You're so mean. I love this guy. I know I know And now I listen every night when I go out If you're looking for me go to the bar at the comedy club and I'll be four feet away from the bar And there'll be nobody at the bar and I'll just be staring at the bottles That's what I do Saturday. That's my Staring at the bar. I stare at every bottle and I think of a story that has to do with every fucking bottle

Oh, Irish cream of another drink passed out the Chinese restaurant, you know All right, you know, you know, it was my to-go drink I hung out at a bar when I was in high school and the bartender's name was Lila And her specialty were whiskey sounds And the other one whiskey sound when something else a vodka and orange juices her gray hounds were white And there was a half inch grape for another time

That's how she made them Three or four of those you were fucking zombie all her drinks. She ended up jumping off a roof with Lila Of course, she didn't fuck that bitch. She accused me of stealing the purse one night I did steal it. It was the toilet hidden, but I didn't fuck. Well, how would she know? She worked at the bar a bar and it was called Joe and Mary's it was owned by a loan shark named George And she was the bartender named Lila and she was a nice lady Did you work anywhere when you were in high? Was this in high school? You said where was this in high school? When I was in high school, my mom died and the first job I had was at a place called

Rendell Lumber and Marine The guy's name was Richie word And I basically just went there to steal Like I punched into steel like the kid who gave me the job said oh by the way Make sure you steal because if you don't then they'll know how much I was stealing And he broke down the word the the customers that were going to come in You know because they sold marine plywood four by eight sheets And it was galvanized for boats so each sheet was 100 hours

So these guys were coming saying give me 10 sheets. I'll give you 500 cash Load the fucking trucks timey. There was no cameras in those days. Yeah, right. There was nothing But the biggest hit I got in there Was a guy That used to have a rare stamp and like coin thing He was the straightest looking motherfucker I ever saw in my life And I started talking to him. I went empty his waste baskets. That was my job

And one day we started talking about And he told me his name and I had grown up with one of his sons. I wasn't tight with his son We know each other like that like he was a big kid But everybody said this kid's dad was a big mafia guy So I would look at this guy in my mind. I expected Marlon Brando He was just a puny little italian skinny guy with a big nose that would bring his own spaghetti and and be very like, you know Frugal, but he always bought lunch for everybody like he just did way out things and I became tight with him and

But one day I went to uh, I was cleaning out where I lived downstairs They had these beers and I was cleaning out the beers they were gonna throw out the beers There was a bunch of change in one of them and I emptied the fucking bureau in the bag the change And I took him to him because there were pennies and shit like that And I gave him the bag and I go poach just look in there. I'll be back. I'm gonna go work And I came back like three hours later. He goes I got 500 for you cash like another check for like 1600 Come on. Walk me to the bank and I'll cash the 16 a check and I go what are you talking about? I gave you a bag of pennies

He goes two of the pennies were gold fucking collectors items 800 apiece and something else And I gave you the balance and whatever I'm like, oh my god. What so? And then I went home and like looked into it like I went to a different coin store the next day And yeah, he was right that coin was worth Money and then another time he gave it to you the money to you He gave me the money he gave me the two grand. Wow. Can you imagine being 16? So they give me two grand and you just clean all I did was help clean somebody's uh Flea market, whatever the fuck they call that when they throw furniture what and he goes keep whatever you want

There was change. I just put in a fucking baggie And then I didn't I brought the house or something and I brought him jewelry And he was really cool about it So he knew I was cool and then he would ask me fucked up questions about things that were going on in town And I'd answer them, but it was our little secret I knew that what he was asking me and when I was telling them was our little secret He just had that demeanor to him And then he would ask me do you need extra work and I would say yeah one he'd go right

Meet me tomorrow at 6 o'clock. I had some work for you for a couple hours. You work four or five hours I'll pay you for it And when he just took me to this fucking construction site and there was a wall I'll never forget this. There was a fucking wall made of uh Brick eight by ten construction brick not the little brown brick, but the block brick It has the holes in the middle and you're picking up And I go, what's up? And he goes just stand there and wait there. I'll be back at 10 o'clock to pick you up I just stood there till fucking 10 o'clock and he came back at 10

Came like I don't have a bill and he goes, where do you want to go? I'll be by your slice of pizza And he would just give me weird jobs like that like just weird jobs. He just dug me So he was just like trying to give you money as an excuse Yeah, like he was just trying to give me money and an excuse and he was also like a union delegate for like a construction company He was the real deal. He was the real fucking deal. Do you remember his name? Yeah, but I don't want to say He was a good guy. He was uh, yeah He was like there's big time mafia guy

In your mind what I expected him to look like and what the guy looked like and what they said he was was two different Things the baby's goddad also Can you write something down? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, but it's weird of him I met one of his friends and I remember growing up And him going be careful with his dad like I was at over the house for a barbecue And we were fucking around and I took a hotdog and we had goldfish and we put the goldfish in the hotdog gave me to the dad

And the dad was like laughing and the next day we told somebody like come here. Don't mess with that dude We just got out of jail for killing like 14 motherfuckers Like what you put like live goldfish? Yeah, we're doing that because people were actually eating the goldfish in the hotdog at the party There's a goof sushi for a couple years I hung out now for a couple years like a year hung out with this crew guys That we were in high school There were football players at the time I wasn't playing football like my junior year I ran with them when I had the lung infection and they were into eating stuff

They would go anywhere and just start and they would eat anything like they tried to eat a bicycle What are you talking about? There was a guy on David Lennon one night and they ate a bicycle So they oh so one night I went to a party. I'm not even kidding you about this I went to a party these guys had hammers on a table and they were breaking glass and shit eating glass and like You know going ah So for Halloween when you they wanted to win the Halloween contest, of course So they went dressed up as garbage

This is they went dressed up as garbage and they asked me do you want to come and I go what the fuck I absolutely go So I went and you had to put it we took Metal garbage cans and plastic garbage cans and we cut the bottom And then we had the one kid's mother staple the front and staple the back so we could put suspenders over So actually we didn't have nothing then we took the metal garbage cans the tops and we took a brown paper bag Robbed it up put it in our head and then crazy glued that to the metal So it wouldn't come off your head And then we took strings and tied it around the handle and we tied live mice

No, live live with their tails around the strings these fucking mice are going back and forth This is the craziest thing and all of a sudden they walk into the fucking thing and there's all these juniors dancers They're like, you know, I don't want to hold your hand And at that time we were getting fucked up we were already doing drugs So half the room was fucking on drugs and these four gorillas got on stage like they And they're like dancing and people like look at them. They have mice And also at the same time they picked up the fucking mice by the string And they dipped it into their mouth and they bit the mouse at the fucking tail. I will never forget that. I'm sitting there in shock

They ate the fucking mouse while he was alive And I'll never forget that they really wanted to win this contest. Oh my god I'll never forget my son Mike runny who called into the podcast I might call next week. He ate the mouse and he was on stage and he had blood And he had the tail stuck to it That's so gross So these guys were fucking nuts. That was the craziest couple of years And these are guys that crew was the one that went on to become fagbaggers

At the time when they were down on blue boys, they were mugging creepy guys that came home from new york Because I was like, I don't know that that sounds like You know guys get drunk, you know, like girls get drunk. Yeah, and they want action Guys get drunk in the 70s. You didn't text nobody You couldn't text nobody for a piece of ass. There was no google There was no fucking. What's the other nupian? What's the other place of tinder? Okay? There they are So these guys from new york

And it's weird in the iceman book. He describes a story where he would Go someplace at night or a bunch of like guys that were into You know fucking guy like they would get drunk and they weren't gay. They were creepy. They were like, uh, Like bill kosby pedophiles, but they were going and pick up young guys and shit So these guys came up one night. They were walking down there one night. They went to a show in the city And they were walking back and the car pulled up and he asked one of those guys. Hey, can I suck your dick or whatever? This kid pulled them out and they started fighting So they figured out that they could go down there at night and mugged these guys and they came

So they would mug the guys in the car that they asked because you come over and I'm looking to get my dicks I pull over Go over there by that tree And then you park the car you'd walk over by the fucking tree And my friend would go and he nailed down to suck your dick But there'd be three guys in tree in the tree. All right, and they just come out of the tree and tackle you Smack you a couple times and take your money. You're fucking classic You used to use the better looking guys as bait. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Geron. But Geron was beautiful

Italian kid just beautiful Do you ever talk to these guys anymore? Like you should have them on the podcast we did we had cause of each one He had like a weird schedule like every third Thursday. He has to call this one He does all of them. Well, Geron, I haven't talked. He became a chiropractor. He's a big shot Geron Then there was another guy I'd be so interested to like hear like you talk to these people. Well, there's one guy I called

He was crazy. We talked about mugging a hooker one time. He said he goes you weren't On the podcast, he goes you weren't there the second time we threw out of the car And she kept going boom, boom, boom, boom. We were fucking dying. This was a different mindset. Oh, yeah These guys were gorillas, but they were my family. They all I had I had no family I had no mother I had no father And these guys made sure my life went easy for me and I couldn't you know For me these this craziness took my mind off the real pain I was going through Like you really did at that time this craziness was the only thing that could and in the middle of all this

I'm selling mescaline acid I'm going to east drowsbreak state every saturday and pick up on 300 hits of mescaline So all these nights all these stories We're all laced with acid and mescaline meeting people going you got a mescaline pastel. Yeah, give me three hits and also Then going now. We're not going to eat it. We're going to smoke it I remember smoking mescaline one night in the side street in new york city like like we owned the fucking street It wasn't bad enough. I already had two hits in me and I was on fire trip and like it was just uh this just the kid who fucking

Lifted the hash with me that night. I'll never forget. I'll never forget his name is garjulo I see them throw fucking peep mancini through a window playing glass and grasshopper They cut hair grass on the corner of 70. It's still fucking there if you go to north burglar tomorrow Go to burglar land on the corner. I saw viny garjulo throw fucking peep mancini. No, johnny avalon He threw him right through the fucking plate glass window the alarms went off Those are the fucking who throws somebody through a plate glass fucking window and the kid living there friends today They're still friends. They're both like five in there. I think they're the barbecues together. This is how man deal with shit We're friends now

Through me through a window. I used to live in fucking mayhem. When did you realize that? The view that sarah and I had none of that happen at all and you have like 27 of them Now you know why I don't tell a lot of this shit because it's just Fucking crazy like any one of those stories What could be a book of my whole like that would be like the biggest thing So the school teacher graph the camel breath. Yeah, we stole all the money, but then he got deep So I became his errand boy. So he would call me in the mornings and go he would get too paranoid to leave the house So he would call me and say come to the house and take my car

There's $20 in the front seat and an eight ball of coke Go to liquor store buy me three bottles buy me a sandwich buy me a case of beer and just leave it in the front stoop Keep the money and keep the car. Keep the change. Keep the coke I'll call you at the house and leave your message. What to do for me. That was it I did that all summer, but I got like a $3,000 hold Right all summer long with him. He was my fratuga He used to sell grams of coke already pre-made in a little bottle. So I would go to his house and then pick up 30 of those fucking things Like how many you got 20 give me 20. I'll come back on now with the money. I never came back

He I'd call the next day. What happened. Are you passed? I fucked you. I was here all night waiting for you Well, he was my school teacher. I knew him. I loved him, you know And then that summer at the end of the summer I put a bed in with him I called him up and I put a bed in with him me and my buddies got together. I had so he did that too In those days, you would put bets in for people But like he was a little call me and go no, no, he wasn't a bookie But he would put a bed in for me which meant you call me up sarah tiana He's my buddy lee lee knows me leo come to me and go listen. Anybody wants to put a bed in

Call me up. I'll give you 10 points. You call me. You want to put 5 000 on some that's 500 in my pocket I connect you with him or maybe not. Maybe I just call him under so he used to have a cavalier Do you guys know what a viewing cavalier is? It's a little four door sedan So he gave me a number to call Like three two three two six six ten ten and you calling them and a guy would answer and he goes Who's this and his code name was the silver cavalier? And he'd go, what do you want? Give me the lines for tonight. He'd spit out all the lines And then I'd bet under his number

Oh, I see you see what I'm saying. So one monday I was a desperado me and three of my buddies Had these big plans for the weekend how we were going to go to new york and get our dick sucked and how we're going to do this It's monday football Fucking pittsburgh's playing dallas. Everybody's americas. I'll be watching that. We thought we knew more than anybody That's what you are when you're 2018 you're a fucking jerk off We thought I know more than everybody else. We're going to bet Whatever the pittsburgh we bet who lost basically, you know, we had and you had in those days You bet the game the total and the parlay we bet it for like three thousand dollars

We weren't even close to making three thousand dollars. So I put I owed I owed mcgrap two Now I owed his guy three. Oh my god. I had to fucking thursday To come up with the money There was no ands it's buts Was that gonna get a beat no But in my mind, I really love mr. McGrath. Yeah, even though I had fucked with mr. McGrath I really loved him. He had helped me. He was funny. You know, I know where he was coming from

He lost his wife. He had two kids. He was raising by himself Whatever man I told my friend to say we can't beat mr. McGrath It's not gonna happen. I'll beat anybody else in the world, but I can't beat this guy. This guy has been there for So I called him up. I took him out to launch or something and I told mr. McGrath. I'm gonna bind I don't have your two grand. I don't have the three grand, but I'm gonna have it I'm robbing a jewelry store and he just looked at me. I go here's the deal I will cut you into the jewelry store

I will give you 30% right off the fucking top But you got to promise me as soon as I call you got to put bail up for me Give me your fucking word. I don't want to spend time in there And he goes if I put the bail up you can't leave town. I know the people will put the bail up They'll shoot you I say I guarantee you I will fucking take you out of your hole And give you the five thousand. I owe you but you got to make me that promise He goes when are you gonna rob? I went to him on wednesday night, dog

He needed to have the money by thursday thursday like six o'clock And I went to him and I said I fucking I'm telling you this is a man. I'm doing this tomorrow. My buddy's He knew I had already robbed this jewelry store a couple times I had already robbed them for rings and like little bracelets and shit. I was crazy. There's a people. Yeah This time they had a thing in the middle that when you got there You spun around and the top had diamond gold bracelets And the bottom had gold chains like these they had 300 of these

Gold was 800 a fucking ounce. This is you know, a thousand bucks. He had 25 000 of these things And I every time I go in there, I'd steal something but I cased that and it was just held by a why There was these bogus cameras in there So my plan was to just pick it up disconnect the why and run out the front door They didn't have a buzz around the door And that's how fucking I was in like I was doing this. There was no way I was not doing this I couldn't let mr. McGrath down There was just something about fucking him over because they were gonna go to him right and then he was a son to me

I don't blame him right right put him in and I was doing this at that time Me and my buddy at the time were doing this on a weekly We just put a bet on when you when you came to us we go what? What what the fuck you're gonna do? We're gonna whoa scarface is gonna come get you Tell scarface to fucking come get us. Let's see what happened But with him I just couldn't do it to him right I got up the next morning With timmy hollow way. He was called into the show. He was the getaway driver Timmy marble head. He's called into the show. He'll probably listen to this

and uh He picked this up in the morning me and my buddy went to the fucking jewelry store Everything went as planned and the first chain I dropped off. I gave him the biggest chain It was like a dog chain. It was like a rapper change mr. McGrath. You gave him 1982 I gave him the biggest chain off the top. I gave him a couple I go pick whatever the fuck you want right off the top Before we even make any money Just take whatever you want and he took a couple chains for his family And then I gave him a couple braces and that was it. I went back there like three days later

And gave him like fucking $10,000 $20,000. I forgot what the fucking But then I got my hands on his friend mr. Pallute He was another gym teacher and he gave me a number to bet and that guy drew up to cash, but I never pay them So now the camel is mad at me. Mr. Pallute. Yeah, fuck mr. Pallute. So now the camel breath is mad at me He won't even friend me on facebook That motherfucker. He won't friend me on facebook Because he's mad about Pallute. I had to call another friend of mine and go what's up with the camel If there's anybody I want to talk to today is the camel breath. I'd have him call in here and tell all these stories

But he won't talk to me. He won't talk to me. He's pissed because I mr. Pallute. Mr. Pallute died Oh, okay. So that's why I could ever make it up to mr. Pallute. So Can't make it up to him. That was the end of that summer sara tiana. That is a uh That is a big summer That gives me the fucking goose bumps Lee, you know, I'm just thinking about it Not really the average part in your life is like something that would be the only story I ever told about like the craziest thing that ever happened to me would just be one of those stories But that's just like a summer for you

You understand it's like orney adams has this, do you know orney? Yeah He talks about like a keith richards book or whatever and I guess like there's a part uh and like the second chapter It's like a paragraph in the book and keith richard like lived Like near a um like mental hospital and him and his friends were in their backyard one day And they found a dead body and like the ditch in the backyard And uh he then goes this was a paragraph keith richards book He's like if that had been me the name of my book would be called I found a dead body So like every time I talk to you I feel like my god, like I'm just like wow, I don't know if I've lived

Well, maybe I just have Survived in a different way. I'm trying to write a book. You know every day trying to write stories. So refreshes my mind, you know In that summer we were I had a friend that would go listen, man Can you just help me deliver a couple furnitures and we'll pay you like the end of the day So it was a cool little gig. I did two three days a week. I never knew what I was gonna work He just knocked on my glass at 10 15 in the morning and I had 10 minutes to get ready He'd take me to someplace we get an egg and cheese with taylor ham on a roll Nice and a coke and then we go and I'd usually be home by two

Three laced and give me 75 bucks One day I went with my buddy. He couldn't even go. So we we had to work We're fucking flat broke. It's mid july. It's hot out. All we want to do is snort coke We can't figure out a way. We're only gonna make like 60 bucks today And we're gonna drop something off and as we're dropping something off There's like 38 conditioners on the dock And nobody's paying attention to my body going. What do you think? And we took every fucking condition and

We left and I think like a week later I went into a place and to make a delivery and I walked in and there was an envelope on the counter And I tipped the envelope to the floor on the floor And I just sat there and I looked at it and it was filled with cash. Oh my god. I just picked the fucking envelope I mean it was like the summer Of felonies. Yeah, it was like I've never even seen 10,000 dollars. You know what I mean? Like you're talking about bringing him mr. McGrath like 10 20,000 after you go Like what'd you go sell the gold chains right away, right?

We dumped but where do you go to sell something like that like you can't go local You go back to the grinch jewelry store. I got a deal here's what gets better Okay So I had another buddy who was fucking mobbed up. He was mobbed up. You went into the house and you knew it You knew he was mobbed up. So that was the second place. I went because I had worked with him before I had worked with this family before He was a great friend of mine. He ended up being the whole family were friends of mine Uh, there were three brothers. I was friends with all three of them. The dad was a long shroom and a union delegate

But the middle brother was the one who was mobbed up and anytime I had jewelry I would bring it to him and he would give me top dollar and then give me a ride and buy me something He was always really cool. Not a nice person either But you know, I was friends with his brother The younger brother that's who I had grown up with so the middle one was the scumbag The older one was a badass motherfucker. God bless his soul. He's dead But the younger one's almost dead today. He's all fucked up. So I went to him And we were talking in front of his mother. We're in there making egg creams in this kitchen

And I'm like, where are we going to get a bit of all this and the mother came over And she was cocoa that chains beautiful. I go here. Here you go. Mrs. D. That's for you I remember gave her a chain and when I would go there 20 years later, she would still say to me cocoa I still got the chain. You know, yeah, so I remember my body said to me Leave it here. I'm gonna have a jewelry sale. This is and he was built. He was beautiful this kid He was an Italian fucking thing. This guy was banging women. Oh my god. He was like gerat Gerat your friend Gerat Because he was built this guy was very built and

He goes give me like an hour to put it together. He called all his mother's girlfriends He personally called all his mother's girlfriends like 30 or 20 of them. He called, you know, he just called everybody He called me he goes, I'll be at seven come over. I went over there at seven this bad motherfucker dug up valour black valour And he put it on the table This motherfucker, I'll never forget this and he had all the chains Out and the chains still had the prices on them. So the deal was

Half of what was on it maybe like 10% if you knew the person maybe 20 it was all profit. What do we give us? right so, uh I'll never forget I walk in And there's my boy with no shirt on muscled up with suntan lotion With 20 chains around his neck and women are picking them up. He's beautiful. Oh my god I want this or that. I want that when he looks over. I mean, he just blinks like And he gave me all the money. I think I cut that half with him

And then we took everywhere we went we picked up my 10 grand here. We were in high school I mean that like I can't even like I worked at cbs You know, I worked at the Nike outlet This is the summer after and I used to steal like shoes and stuff. I thought I was a fucking felon I was still sports bras. I would like put them on during when I was like at work I would like put them on under my uniform and just leave them like and I feel guilty about it still You have a pop up jewelry store And then we went to this other guy mafia

We went to this other jerk off who was a half connected guy. He called us and threatened us He goes, we'll give you 10 000 for the whole batch And me and my buddy are like we already made 10 What are you talking about? We got 10 more batches in there. No, that's the guy that called the cops on us The first guy, but the kid who threw us under the table was this esposito kid This dumb motherfucker went back to the jewelry store with the chain to get it sized. No What is it just thinking about it makes me want to smoke that pizza But what about the other guy you would sell jewelry to the pizza store owner nick

But I didn't sell him nick. You just got it stolen stuff. This stuff was primo this stuff was never used before Nick I would sell him this stuff. Oh that had already been worn like right like somebody's house Somebody was pulling off or something need to be shined at Fucking tremendous. These stories are fucking crazy. Yeah, they are crazy. And that's like a four month period That was at that time That was like May through september 15th It's like when you watch Breaking Bad, you're like it kind of looks fun to cook mess

Like I would never want to do, you know, but then you watch it like Lamorizes it when I listened to your stories. I'm like, I should be doing coke and like robbing stores. Like that sounds so fun No idea how fast the crossover goes You have no idea like all one day you just want to go into the city and buy a nickel bag Then a month later you're over there buying an eight ball and you're chopping in half and you're making money And you're like, oh my god, I could do this And next thing, you know in high school, we would go to this place on 130 5th street This is our senior year in high school. Close your fucking eyes. Who does this? Who does this?

That they were a disco. There was a columbian disco on 130 5th street You had to walk downstairs and you went in there and they had dancing but who dances in Harlem You could just go into The Manhattan, I mean it's Harlem. I think a lot of Spanish Harlem But in the back was a dj booth and we'd walk in and you see the door right there that ledge up on top They drop it and that's where they put the coke and the scale was in between the The turntables and the guy would take the coke while people were dancing He'd wave for you. Boom. He'd give you a hug. Boom. And you go right back out the door

One day we went and they were having chicken fights in the disco Like right where the disco was there's fucking chickens. They sold this blow But the other night we went and there was a fucking dead body in there Like right in the stairway going to walk down the stairs like that's you know All I did was go over to the bike coke And I'm seeing a guy get shot with a blanket on top of the dead of the winter And the co-dealer that we were getting from was on the corner going That meant walk around the corner. Oh, that's the same place where I bought a car went over into the city

There was a snowstorm And I started fucking around with the ignition the window the The sunroof and also the sunroof started going By itself and it started smoking it started steaming like steam came out of the fucking radiator and shit And next thing the car died and there was like a little fire in the engine And uh I said fuck it. We'll take a bus back to jersey. We went to Broadway. We took the bus back I went over there three days later Saratiana

The car was on brakes and all that was left Was the chicken bone from the frame and they were coming to get the axle You can see that they were working on it with the fucking blow thoughts. Do you know insurance? It's never been on my credit report. I never heard anything about it. I never got a letter from the bank That cop just disappears like it never happened I Look at the car was it like a fucking car that only black pimps would drive it was like a Cutlassy eye with two door with the rims. Yeah, that would leather on leather black

You know, you're sitting in it. You're sweating the winter time. You're sweating that motherfucker Yeah, my first car with the cutlass. Yeah, Jesus christ. I'm going back deep. I'm gonna have nightmares tonight You I'm gonna have nightmares So crazy fucking crazy this shit. This is crazy stuff, but I'm happy That's good. You got to talk this shit. How are you feeling? I'm good. How are you doing another star? No, thank you. How about you want to smoke a little hashish? We already did did you show snowy the smoke hash that wasn't hash It was no wasn't I wouldn't give you hash without your consent. You've done that too many times. No, I would

Look at this hashish Holy cow Oh, that's that gold shit from fucking arabia. Wow, check this reefer. Oh Gosh or The church We don't fuck around here. You know, I I know what else been going on. You know, I talked to me. So you're in love I'm not in love. No, no, no, no, I'm not in love. So don't come back

It's just a crazy phase. I'm going well I finally like I've just been dating a lot You know, I haven't been like really I never really like anybody back like people like because you know Our lives are so interesting like then you meet people and you're like and they're like enamored by what your life is And then you're like, oh you And I don't care if you've never been anywhere You know, I didn't bother me But if but sometimes that makes people less interesting or they don't have anything to share

At or any stories and Some people have too many stories It takes a very secure man to be with you Yeah, for sure. So I guess I've I've met a few more of them lately, you know, like people who are a little bit more successful or One guy um designs and build houses and like customizes like fireplaces. That's perfect Because you want to be involved with somebody in the industry. That's the bar Yeah, yeah, it works. It may not work. Let's just fucking shake hands and part of friends It's good to go home and not talk about the same shit you do all day

I don't want to hear about sag insurance and how she didn't make it and you did Because you've worked on that job. See if you were to talk to the director, you could have gotten me in there I don't want to do that. Yeah, you know, that's why I started going to martial arts Because I wanted to go somewhere when nobody talked about that shit. Yeah at all You went in there you sweat and you walked out you go to some of these gyms and people stopped behind It was great seeing you at Catherine's office. Yeah, oh my god. How'd you do? I don't know. I brought a cookies Yeah, what the fuck is wrong with you cookies? It is uh, it is yeah, I don't know

I guess I've just been meeting like some more people who you know, like one guy's a A writer for the show the blacklist or whatever. So like that's cool. Yeah Yeah, yeah, so I don't know like that's that's something new. I haven't we haven't you know, but uh, yeah I've just been dating a lot, which is fun. You know, because it's like No pressure I feel young but that I've been talking about that on stage because like I feel like Men make me feel like I'm like even like they tell me how young I look But then they make me feel like I

Have a wedding dress in my purse. You know what I mean? Like I'm just like ready to be like Like will you talk about kids and like I don't talk about kids ever? Like I mean I I have god kids and like And yes, I think I do I'm like finally at a place in my life where I do want children again like for a long time. I didn't and uh But I don't want them tomorrow. You know what I mean? And I think like there's this like fear Constantly where guys like oh god. She's at this age. She's 36 So she just wants to get married and have lots and lots of babies and I'm like time and running out for me

I ain't in a hurry. Yeah, you don't look 36. Thank you. Yeah. I'm not in a hurry. You know, I mean 26 27 Yeah, cigarettes and energy drinks have stunted my growth. Yeah But yeah, so I mean I'm not in a hurry, but I feel like men make me feel like I am And then I'm like, what am I doing? You know, it makes you feel crazy Listen, I mean you want to date with somebody the first time you want to date with them Yeah, go to let you fucking let it all hang out Because you don't know let it all hang out the first two times So, you know, they're never going to come back to you go. Oh my god, we didn't know you were really like that place

No, let's let it all hang out as a matter of fact. That was an issue. Why cut through the bullshit Fuck disney lane. Let's fuck this measles down there Eat your ass next you know, I got a thousand pimples on me. I got calamine lotion on me all day You know You want to get it out of the way the first or the second or third day? I know I always wanted to You know, I'm like you like me, right? Yeah, what's the problem? Let's go get you back. Let's go back to the crib. What's HBO? Let's eat some cookies. Let's go And whatever happens happens, but I'm not gonna sit you down and go, you know, I really like you and uh

I feel that I really ship them away too fast. Yeah, I'm gonna give you back your key And let's go just go back to dating and petty and you're like Come on as a man. Just let it roll. Yeah If you end up being you know, and if it don't work out you shake hands and you both got a stab in it And that's it. You move on with your life. You put a notch in your fucking belt that you don't whatever the fuck you do But guys are like, well, I'm gonna stay at home. So I'm 36 and put away money for a home You know what? Gross. What do you do? I ain't you're fucking out the way too. Don't fuck yourself Got a little light by the fucking day. No, like I like I don't think about that kind of thing

No, but you know what it is. It's that I you go on a date with me I do not seem like the kind of person that you're just gonna fuck around with like I'm the kind of person that's gonna make you breakfast in the morning and pack your lunch for you and like I love being very domestic. I'm like southern and I'm like traditional like, you know So it's like that's I'm not some somebody that guys will just and like I feel like it's just I think big part of it is just this town where like guys are just still playboys And they're still like hoping that renaise elwiger is gonna fuck them or something. So Whoever it is, you know

So I like and I get it but I but I'm but I think that that's always been my biggest problem Is that it's you know, it is an intimidating thing what I do But then also like it's like I look like a wife So it kind of freaks people out. Does that make sense? I want you to date my man Aaron Caterford. I didn't even know about this Oh, yeah, five years Yeah, so I know you when used to bring me money and shit in the middle of the night You what?

Years ago one night I bumped into him Oh, yeah, probably. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my god five years. Oh, yeah. Yeah, we were together Give me the years when you were together. Um, it would have been like 2004 five to 2010 About yeah, what was it 2015? Yeah, it's been like four and a half five years I'm tight with him. Oh me too. I was invited to his wedding I've always loved him. I remember him telling me he went to rehab for cigarettes I always thought that oh, yeah, I remember when that happened. His dad sent his dad and mom sent him up there I used to

Call him when he was up there and like make sure he was doing okay And he just thought it was stupid. He's a big-time tennis guy, isn't he loves tennis So I would meet him at the ymca. He was great kid. I always uh, what's he doing? Well, now him and his wife live out here in the valley And she's like a nurse or something like that and I think he's still doing stand-up But he doesn't really doesn't do it that much. No, but he was at the store one night and I was happy to see him And yeah, I went home like a fuck. I didn't see Aaron Cata. Yeah, so kind of fucked with me a little bit But he's a great kid. I always oh, yeah, very yeah, very funny

But you know like I mean comes from a wealthy family. So like I feel like his like Work ethic wasn't as good as it should have been, you know, but he taught me so much like He taught me to just be super relaxed about money like I never I used to worry about it all the time But because he didn't worry about he's like if I worry about it that it's never gonna come So you just give it to people like whatever like he always took good care of me like I never had to worry about anything and and uh And because of him like I look at money differently like it's like

Yeah, I don't need to hold on to it because then why would I need to get me more if I'm keeping? I'm probably just holding on to all of this. Why does the universe need to give me more? I'm already got a little bucket, you know, so now I'm just like no fuck it. No, I don't think about it. I just like Swipe I ain't I ain't brown bad. It's a work. No, you need something. I'll buy it for you No, how's the pieces flowing if I don't have it today, you'll have it tomorrow. Yeah, sorry, you know like that's just you know I'm not ridiculous with it, but I don't know I'm not gonna not buy something because I don't I don't think I can do it, you know And I'm not extreme with money or anything, but if I feel like going out to dinner

I'm going out to dinner if I feel like going and staying in a nice hotel. I'm gonna go stay in a nice hotel That's how I'm a human being. I deserve it. We work hard. We work hard. I deserve it We had mom in the hotel all week and he tied her up. What? We're gonna tell him Lee. What was the hotel you gotta tell him? Back rub? Hotel Sofia or something downtown San Diego. Oh the the sofía? Sofía and I think oh sofía and It's fun. We just got the like the hot wire thing that doesn't tell you where you're gonna stay Oh, really?

And we gotta do Groupon Groupon has all these like romantic getaways and it's like a third of the price also hotel tonight is my favorite app Have you ever used that? No, I've heard about it. So you just go to a new city and you just buy the Hotel room that day. He's starting at 9 a.m. So you want to go to new york? And just it's like a third of the price all these and you can look at all the fancy hotels Because I'm a hotel snob. I worked in fancy hotels a lot For like the four seasons the Beverly Hills Hotel So like I'm a big snob when it comes to hotels and like service and like waiters and stuff because I was a waitress for a Really long time

So I get really upset about service because I know how easy it is to give good service And it's like work to be shitty to people to me anyway. So Yeah, so I like love hotel tonight because you can stay at five star hotels for like 200 miles. That's not what you say I have the app I said at the bakara in Santa Barbara, which is like six seven hundred dollars six fifty to seven hundred a night normally for like 300 bucks on fourth of july Yeah, because what happens is like the day of hotels are like well We want to sell out and we still have 20 rooms available

So let's just put them for low prices and just fill it up because people will buy stuff on the property Same thing as a comedy club, you know, you give somebody free tickets. They're going to buy drinks Which is how they make money So you're writing this shit down I love a bargain. I mean I am a bargain. I'm gonna be asking you questions cocksucker Yeah, so that that was that brad garret club because they put you up at the mgm signature towers this place They're all suites all the hotel rooms and you big balcony like you could put your furniture out on the balcony

It was gorgeous and uh, and they had a bathtub that in there that could fit like four people It had armrests In your hotel at the mgm grant. Yeah at the mgm. I stayed at the mgm like a couple months ago They had a deal It was like 99 but like less than 99 bucks or two nights and you got two But faith vouchers like you have to search vagus deals the best. Yeah It's like a lot of these places have pretty good deals. I just I don't gamble that much Ever but I keep getting these things from the venetian

Saying I can get three free days in this week, but it has to be like sunday to thursday. Yeah. Yeah So that's like that's giving stuff away. I like going in anyway because there's less people around Oh, I would love to go then Oh, we gotta work. Oh, I don't know what that is. I don't have like a regular you ain't going nowhere cocksucker At the podcast monday through wednesday, you're on a fucking call. We might do one next week at 3 a.m Just to fuck with motherfuckers monday through wednesday you do podcasts. No, just two a week. That's all you really need I could only do two a week. I couldn't even do that. Really? No two of mine. That's what I'm doing like the kid in the fucking fighter You know, you always do two or somebody else's, you know, and then yeah, but I like to focus on two of these

I can really not feel like I'm burning out If you know if I had to do four in a row, I don't think I'd be effective I don't think I'd think of these fucking this is definitely getting your stories out. Yeah. No, this is this makes me want to read your book What's This is what happens sometimes when I'm with people these stories and then I don't even know how to say them right Oh, I'm too embarrassed To say I don't know what we're just talking. So you just need to have somebody Like write out like listen to the podcast like pay somebody to just type it out. That's lee. He's the stenographer

He's the fuck I can't be this stenographer if he gave me this high You know, and it was weird because For years, I thought everybody had these I thought everybody had a weird neighborhood I thought everybody took leaves in the winter time and got bricks and made a wall of bricks and put leaves on top of it So when people drive with their car, they hit the wall of bricks I thought everybody did that stupid shit. I thought everybody threw eggs in the city jews. I threw I thought Everybody took the phone off the In our neighborhood, we had a police phone on the wall

Like on a pole and a big thing was to rip the phone out and then see the cops chasing I thought everybody did that. So I never thought anything of it and then I would tell people Stories like that and they go show it. What the fuck? Yeah, we never knew we were playing baseball or something Oh, yeah, yeah, I mean well until I moved to Los Angeles I didn't know that the way I grew up was weird or different You know, you know, you just you grow up in a little bubble So you think well, this is just what the world is like, you know And then like oh, everybody didn't have a daycare in their high school for all the students. We had a daycare

For all the kids that had babies in high school Like that was super sudden. We didn't have anything to do people would just go out in the field and drink Cow tipping and like throwing Cow patties at each other and just like making setting fire to stuff We didn't have anything to do And people that's why my parents made me get a job so that I didn't have time to like get pregnant That was like the smallest thing Yeah, I took that a little too seriously. Did you drink on high school?

A little bit there was a lot of it I didn't I didn't do it that often like I was never the guy to go two nights a weekend or I would go once every couple months. I wasn't I never did it that much My manager at CVS He it was really My mom thought it was crazy at the time because he was 26. I was 16 and I just thought it was the coolest thing ever Because he was 26, but looking now that I'm 26 I see how creepy it was

And we would go to like his friend's basement and there was this band that he was managing But he wasn't managing anything And we drank and then we smoked weed in the garage and it didn't do anything to me the first couple times Definitely nothing like this I really have to go to the bathroom. Oh, is there a bathroom here? Yeah, where give me the key right over here I'll do some shout outs and shit No, that's that's interesting. I didn't know that. What did he molest you? No, he's just cool, dude No, he's cool. I'm still fine. Tell me the truth. He's cool. We're family

But just looking my mom and my mom and my friend's mom who I work with Still make fun of us about it and will he come to the house and get you and beat the whole no, no I would drive you would drive yourself. Yeah He was a cool dude, but just looking back at like that. What's he doing now? Same thing He's still at CVS. Yeah Is he half a momo? Is he cool? You still talk to him? Yeah, no, not really He's cool And after that did you get high or just with him a little bit we drank a little bit

I'm I've never really been much of a drinker. I went drinking this weekend with paul and I don't like being hung over at all It's so much worse than this No, let's do a half Just to break our record Let's break our record. Let's take a chance. Columbus did let's split another star. We'll split it I only give you two or the three. I'm fine with time for our record. No, you're not doing nothing. What do you got tomorrow? I gotta recover from this already. No, what recover? You gotta be doing a couple push-ups. You drink some harvest

You sneak back. What are you fucking kidding? Let's eat another little star before we go deep tonight. We're gonna pick up the agostino Okay, let me give some my fucking shout outs to my people here not neil armstrong adriel rostropo the mensa jamie stanley mario david ips Captain red beard cocaine tamales and my main man motherfucking santos Thank you for chipping in with us on a fucking beautiful wednesday night here on the church with the most gorgeous

Sarah tiana and shit throwing heat. So what's been going on? Who you writing for? Drop some fucking knowledge on me. Yeah, I'm doing some roasts and stuff. So um I've been helping my friends with the terry bradshaw roast the roasting him for the super bowl this week on espn And then next week i'm roasting jesus as mary magdalene at the west side eclectic here In la it's just like for fun So we're doing like jesus is mary magdal

Who's what jesus is mary magdalene? I'm mary magdalene. So i'm gonna be dressed as her roasting jesus as mary magdalene What are you wearing? Uh, some sort of tunic. I'm assuming you're throwing heat. You're showing the legs. I mean, no, no, I mean Talk to all these guys. Yeah, she is the whore of the bible There's pictures on page six six old twos. Oh, yeah in the bible Burn the page little picture of a harry bush She never shaved it was fucking look like a beard. Look at his easy tops fucking beard It's crazy that that was in your bible. Your bible is so different. It's the truth. It's the truth. They spell it out for you

You know what i'm saying? Jesus look father. Don't mess with them. Look at these motherfuckers. That's just says it's simple Amazing. I always thought of that line when he looks up on that He goes father forgive them because they don't know who they're messing with I've always thought of what that line really how he really said it. He was like dad. Fuck them Yeah, they could come back all these bitches will take them down so funny like how Like I don't think about My dad when we were younger used to tell us stories about growing up in michigan and like

He lived he was like super poor and stuff and he said that he was uh His nickname in high school was the bush man And we thought that that meant he was like making out with girls in the bush Not knowing until we got older that that's not at all why he had that nickname I think he liked it or like, you know, or maybe he just like how old is your dad? 64 Yeah, I graduated in 69. Yeah You like that too

I don't mind it. No, he's just saying my dad likes bush and that's weird to think about I don't shave at all. I was like take off west virginia east virginia leave the appalachians. That's what I say I really did not want to hear that at all for me. What do you say? Well, sorry You're just telling me about Doing gorillas and blow. I don't even know the names of them anymore My niece I don't want to hear about what's between your legs I don't want to hear nothing. You know, I just want to hear you get married and be happy and

That's it. Yeah, that would be nice. That made me happy that you dated Aaron. I like that. Yeah, he's a good one I loved him. I always loved that kid. He's a good egg. Those are those are He was always a good guy used to give me rides home and we torture him Yeah, I like when him and Ari are around you can feel the tension like you can just feel them looking at each other Him and I met her more, you know Yeah, they they fucking go at it. That's God, I found a picture of us though. Oh, yeah, the art the palestinian. Yeah I found a picture of me and Ari and Duncan

and Aaron Oh, no me and Ahmed and Ari at um And Aaron at like this like New Year's Eve party from like 2005 or six And we all look like such babe like babies I like I just like couldn't even believe like and I was like, oh my god, you know Pictures of Duncan and Ari like before Natasha like was between them, you know So crazy the nicest thing about Vegas

This last time when we did the mushrooms Was to see Ari and Duncan talking They got back in that groove. Mm-hmm. It took six years. Yeah long time years. Yeah for them to replace a friendship that was I remember them being kids at the store. Yeah, I still remember getting Duncan Duncan getting the the dollar the uh The the telecoordinated job. Oh, yeah, but now I was dunking before that like I just knew Duncan from the store He made me giggle when he busted the doll out the first time on an open mic On the sunday night everybody lost a little hobo. Yeah

Yeah, I saw that video of him and Ari kissing at the UFC match. It's just so funny. Oh my god They were right back on track. Yes the best. They were right back. That was a funny fucking crew up there when they were young Yeah, oh, yeah, I used to host the uh the potluck Oh, really? And I used to sit there and watch this little click and that's you know, I'm getting it back I think going back to the store has made me better because I'm back home And you're amongst family that's in a core everybody has you see your Sebastian. You see your I met I met You see your mark man. You're Joe Rogan. You know, you're in good hands, you know

That's what you know, and that's how you start comedy When you start comedy in Atlanta or you start comedy in michigan You start with a core of guys, you know All of a sudden you become a team and you're a class and you drive the gigs together and you You know just do all these things that It's like josh wolf. You know, I look at josh wolf on tv. I don't see that josh I see the guy that we lived in seattle that he went to the house that he didn't stay there He went to the house. You know, it was never there

And it was me and mark madison and the house was a fucking dump You know, you could walk in there. There was no door. There was no I mean you should have seen this place The basement was all two feet pieces of shit From his st. Bernard That he had never cleaned you went to the basement to do laundry You had to walk through a fucking landmine because there were little turds everywhere But that's how we did it. It was 600 for the rent Everybody had to pay 150 or something

There was somebody else who got a room there But was never there like they just got a room somewhere they would pass them by it was worth 150 a month They were guy o'beal them to somebody some comedian. Yeah, but that's your core. Those are the people that you I still remember who I got made a regular with Oh, yeah, Larry vaseos. He's gone And a girl that was a lesbian and she just moved back to vegas And her name is on the wall now. I forget because i'm on the spot Yeah, I don't uh, I mean

I can't remember who I got If there was a few of us that were oh neil like brennan like those those guys like dove like that was like all the same time That was your class. Yeah. Well, that was who I got passed with I was like much. What year was that? This was 2010 Wow. Yeah, it took me six years before that Took me. Yeah, that was a regular when I was there Yeah, maybe yeah, dove was there when I was there Dove, Sebastian, john caperulo

There was a handful of those guys that were there when I was there It was a really weird like, you know, it took me a really long time because I couldn't work the door And I couldn't waitress because uh mitzi wouldn't allow any of that and uh So it just took me like six years to get past there and then like once everybody wanted me to get past then It wasn't Tommy's idea. So had to be Tommy's idea. You know what I mean? So he would just it was like three years where I you know, I was performing there all the time But he still wouldn't pass me so

But then I you know and that's but that's why I love it because when people go like oh the store's just so clicky And I'm like, yeah, well if you're not part of the family, they're all clicky when you walk into the improv There's a jerk off in the back giggling amongst themselves. Yeah, you walk into the lab factory. There's three jerk offs upstairs giggling You walk into the boston the comedy club. There's gonna be six jerks on the back You know, you walk into the cellar. There's eight swarmy guys Every club has a click and somebody wrote me that email last week that the club they go there. It's very clicky What should they do be funny in there? Yeah, you know be funny. They have two options. Yeah, lee. What's happening, brother? That's what I would do. Are you ready for another one? Nope

Done for the night. You don't want to smoke a little too much. Nope. It's over. It is over I think he's gonna pass out. No, I'll go to the show. Are you coming down to the show? Sure What were you performing next talking about some dates and shit? Uh, I don't think I mean it's pilot season, so I'm pretty much here So you go out for pilot season as a writer or as an actress actress no shit. Who sends you out? Um, well right now it's through line my management company Okay, I'm looking for I dropped all my agents And managers like a few months ago, uh, because they dropped a ball. Chappelle asked me to open for him

And then they dropped the ball on it. I don't think they believed me They didn't believe you. Mm-hmm But they also like I did I just reached my maximum with them like power wise I just needed some a little bit more powerful people. I hear your name a lot. You got a lot of good things going on Yeah, so I signed with through line, which is Jeff Ross and sarah silverman's management company So they sent me out and then like they're trying to sell my scripts and stuff Okay, when I uh When I spoke to I thought you were right. They're just a beaver bros because I hear they're gonna roast. Oh, yeah

I mean, I will be yeah. That's the next one. That's yeah. I will be working on that last night, right? He was at the company store somewhere I'm probably he loves usually the laugh factory. He loves that place Which is weird these friends are jamie or something like that Yeah, and he's like delia and him or good friends and stuff like that. So I don't know But uh, it's going to be interesting. I already started writing a bunch of jokes for it So I don't know who I'm going to give them to yet, but we'll see Are you here when jame misada

Here's the one that gave one of those kids to michael jacks. Oh, yeah, that's right Oh, yeah, I've heard about that a lot which is what happened Which is why like when beaver goes there. I'm like be careful Jamie misada delivered a boy to be raped. Yeah, that's the rumor That's the rumor, but that's also like But also like, you know the laugh factory like tapes all of their sets and stuff So like whenever people were getting trouble like comics would get in trouble For like saying something like tosh or like whoever it is

He was selling up. He doesn't know that and I'll never forget when I first saw the richards one I knew that was dead tape because their tape sound doesn't come in If you ever tape a set at the laugh factory, you know visual is tremendous The sound is completely like fuck. I had a great fucking set. I thought I could tape it It don't sound right. So when I saw the tape, I knew jamey had sold out, of course And it always says this happened at the laugh factory on sunset boulevard with and then gives the address Yeah, he's always in huffington post. He's got a direct line to fucking uh dmz He's always enough. He writes a blog for huffington post. Well, that's why uh a lot of comics

Like that's why louis ck won't go there anymore and like a lot of comics just don't perform there anymore That's why everybody's the store is like on this big surge because Everybody wants to perform there and nowhere else Which is nice. I'm happy. I'm back. I'm happy. I have a home I can tell I have a home sarah. You have a home here anytime you want to come on You know, I love you. I've been missing you. I've been wanting to call you for a while But I don't want to bother nobody you one of my favorites We didn't touch on the dad's talk, but I won't tell you since the last chat we had

I've tried to be more aware of my daughter. I have this uh I had a great time with her tonight. She hates when I take her binky Right. She fucking loses it. She loses it, but she gets to do Her things so I'll have my foot up and she'll climb on my leg And then she'll put her feet at the edge right by my groin and just dive on me like an elbow And then try to take it from me whenever it says she lives so hard I'll tickle into that Then she puts it down and tries to spin on me

But tonight I had her by the back of her knee and I found that place tonight. She was going for she's like So whenever I'm like that with her like uh This time she wants me to torture so she has to go sideways So I can hold on like a baby and she doesn't want to tell me it's like my cat I have a cat grade when I pick her up. She'll cry the whole time But once I have her locked in the computer, she's good to go. Her nose starts fucking getting wet dripping So it's uh, every time I talk to you, I think about you a lot because I think about being a dad now Important is to her. I'm doing the gastric for her, you know, so I could be around until she's 15

So I could tell her to close her fucking leg. That's not happening. That's not happening. You're not even leaving the house I shoot everybody I shoot everybody. There's no leg spreader pills anyway You know, uh, and it's weird every woman I always thought women were a lot cooler I grew up with girls. I grew up with like three or four girls that were fucking killers like when I go out with them I go Jesus This girl's a fucking killer, you know, and I wouldn't be banging them enough and they were just friends of mine

Like I said, I grew up with one girl in particular. I think a lot. I remember going out and gonna go and hold on Let's go get some drinks You guys sit right here and she would go to the bar and come back with some poor bastard All right, these are my friends. Lee. This is joey. How you doing? Come on. What do you want to do? You want to get some drinks and the guy would be stuck buying drinks for everybody the whole night These girls were fucking savages So whenever I meet a woman, I always I'm like thinking this girl's a savage and then she'll tell you something You're like, wow

I thought you were more of a savage. So that's why I just want to build the perfect savage I just need a couple fucking years. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, that's the title of your book I just need to I just want to build the perfect savage. I just really do. I want to build the perfect savage as a female hands martial arts Explosives nimes throwing nimes, you know jumping off buildings the whole fucking thing by 10 I was just like yeah Ballet everything You know, listen, man, if you it's great. No, it's everything everything you gotta cover every fucking thing the flute

The fucking banjo you got to do what you do and then explosives and explosives Poses one on one you know how to make little devices How to put car bombs when you skateboard, you know I'm saying you fall you put the bomb under the car You need little fucking girls get away with this shit. We're getting that only portman in the fucking professional. Nobody remembers Jack off in the fucking room. You want a lady in the bedroom and the savage? I don't know about the bedroom. I don't say nothing about the fucking thing I'm just saying that like you're building the you know, like you want a girl. That's a lady and a savage I don't want to have that dumb emotion. I don't want to have that. What do you mean love? Just

Dumb emotion. Yeah, like just weird emotion as a girl. I wanted to put that part of being a woman is Fuck no, you gotta cut that right off. No, you gotta rip that out. It's a youngster. No Fuck that motherfucker. He comes home with alcohol in his breath. You fire that bitch. You understand? There's no second chances in your fucking book There's no there's no there's no scraps in your scrapbook Delicate you're so delicate, you know, I'm a man of many fucking words. I know you gotta get through to your daughter's door and talk Yeah, you're a good dad. I'm happy. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm real fucking good. She's too She's fucking throwing the cats around

We're gonna put her in date. She's already addicted to something the binky. Yeah, the binky the binky the pink car She loves the binky Lee, what's up with you my brother? What do you got planned for the weekend? What are you taking mom at tomorrow's her birthday Thursday Thursday's her birthday This is the longest fucking birthday ever. She's been 25 for a week, huh? I know every day What'd you do with her for that you rub her feet? I didn't see her today tomorrow. What are you thinking? Nowhere. She's cool. And then what about Thursday? Where you going? Her mama is making enchiladas I bought her a cake and you bought what kind of cake?

Uh, there's a place on Van Nuys called like Hakes by Rumi and they used to be in this breakfast place We went to and they have great cakes and she wanted one from there. So I gotta look at a dark chocolate cake or something like that. Look at you What are you doing Thursday? You gonna go over that? Yeah, she's her mom's making enchiladas Then what are you guys doing afterwards? I don't know you're taking her out. No, she's school. So no, no, no It's her birthday What when it's Thursday? That's why we were in San Diego. Yeah, but when it's your birthday on Thursday night Guess what Thursday night becomes dick night dick night

I know I'm not yeah, yeah, you don't want I want to give a shout out to my main motherfuckers here on it Helping you lifting lifting you're making you a better motherfucker making you perform better mentally physically Spiritually that's up to you. You gotta join a cult and do whatever the fuck Honor is tremendous. I started on my alpha brain again last week And I could tell the difference last week in Buffalo when I was on stage Do yourself a motherfucking favor. Why are we having this conversation again? Why go to honor dot com press and what leave church? Boom get 10% off

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The lady with little boxy shorts, it looks fucking nice and throws a guy off You know I'm saying anybody can wear a fucking thong and have that string up your pussy It gets all hard from the fucking Stomachia juice that comes out all day and jogging and walking up escalators and shit like that You don't want that hard string. It's like a fucking piece of string cheese and shit between your legs all day Who needs that me on these come? Comfort at its best. I have a pair on right now. My nutsack is right in the middle I can't imagine what it makes you feel your vagina feel like

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We'll be back next week with a calling show saratiana any dates nothing No, I just follow me on twitter follow her on twitter at where at saratiana at saratiana get your shit together Stay black uncle joey loves you There's john lennon your fuck. Let's do this. We gotta get to the store. It's 1006. I have people to meet All right now the show's over. I gotta sell that kilo. Okay Now that the show's over, don't forget to go to nature box dot com And sign up to get your free sampler box of great tasting healthy snacks Forget the vending machine and start snacking smarter with delicious treats like barbeque kettle kernels

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Some calling magic the search for the And you know that You gotta let it you gotta let it go So keep on playing those Together In the future That's We're judging now and again in space and time

Yes And you know that You've got to let it you gotta let it go So keep on playing those Together To the ritual Dancing the song Millions of them

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