Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #257 - Matt Fulchiron, Joey Diaz, and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: February 17, 2015

Matt Fulchiron, Comedian and Host of "The Full Charge Power Hour" joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio This podcast is brought to you by:    Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. Iron Dragon TV. A New Roku channel with all the best martial arts films. Use Code word joey for two free rentals. HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for a 20% discount Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by using code word joeydiaz. Music:  You Would - Janet Jackson I Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet Achilles Last Stand - Led Zeppelin Recorded on 02/16/2015

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unbelievable kick that motherfucker Lee it's Monday night oh shit February motherfucking 16th she's walking around with a sore ass from Valentine's Day at least I hope so cock suckers what kick this motherfucking muley kick it oh shit oh shit little Johnny Jackson that black pussy tasting good with that fucking brown nipple tremendous what Lee what if you had her and Michelle bomb on the same way oh shit can't eat the cookie exactly no that's okay it's a weak start that's okay it's only fucking 25 million grams I gave you I heard you on the fighter on the kid that was these the ones I have in my bag

take a piece of loot not exactly brought to you by my people anarchy edibles what's that little midget piece they gotta eat the whole side fucking that's a little midget piece eat that fucking but train for the Olympics over right here this piece your fuck give me that little piece back that's for fidgets yeah give me that that's for me why is that pretty why do you have this small piece because I'm already over my carbohydrate limit you know it's funny I didn't think we're gonna put a dent in that backpack but we're going pretty well we ain't fucking around tonight I think the edibles dropped off a bag of

death from no I told you delicious as fuck with some way better than the other kind with some milk in that motherfucker you dip these in the middle nightly who's better than you you sleep like a fucking baby probably about half an hour you'll be juice but you didn't bring milk yet we have we have room temperature water I got some milk in my nutsack about that one boy we need some th thc milk to go I still got it I can't stop the DS there's nothing you can do about it back what's happening math full trunk nothing I just got back myself around 1230 from West Palm Beach took a nap brought my ass to North Hollywood to party with you

guys do we have a surprise guest this time let's just go show you remember Franklin that was embarrassing as fuck I'm sorry about that that was fun man there's something different exactly fucking people how was West Palm Beach it was fun man sold out shows I was working with Whitney Cummings and lots of fucking people there you know Valentine's Day is never the most fun in the world but it was still pretty fucking yeah I had a great time in Austin there were great crowds and Austin's a great city great people see looky spooky senior boy Andrew Miller Andrew Miller his girlfriend looking good he gave me a little devil

with a fucking long tongues he could massage your muffler with and have a good time make sure it's so good did he make it so can massage my muffler yeah yeah he made just special tool just for you Austin's a great fucking city I was very fortunate to be down there for Valentine's Day and it's great to be home the most but fucking 10 days you know that's the best to get home yeah just get home and deoxidize and today was a light day you know not a big day today I went to Higgins jujitsu you know I'm thinking about you today I was thinking about you last night I called you then you told me on the road with

me yeah so go on the road with Ty sometimes yeah if I'm local I'll give you a course you know you one of those guys that you're right there right and then your mind you get frustrated because I was there like sure people fucking calling me and shit people think I'm funny right what's going on I come fucking where's Robin Williams in this new show you know I'm saying who's fucking was my new TV show it's just that it's one of the things you got a role with though and I'm sure because I've been lower on the totem pole in this and I'll fantasize about the times when I was even lower on a totem pole

like that was fun though rolling around Hollywood like before I was getting paid or whatever just fucking doing shows just for fun and I'm sure I'll feel the same way about this part of my life too where it's like I should be headlining a lot more I'm ready to make the jump but you know it's weird you just waiting for that push exactly that moment and for me it was the longest yard where people now yeah all right now we have to headlining right I understand like there's little things you got to do but today I was I went to jiu-jitsu and I went and Higgin was there and one thing that Higgin teaches that nobody he

teaches big guy jiu-jitsu uh-huh you know if you go to Cabrinha was a great school he teaches jiu-jitsu for guys like you it's 170 pounds right there's Baron Bolo's and more fucking spiders and all this other shit with big guy jiu-jitsu like me and Lee he wants you to conserve energy so every move has to be swift and when he sat in that chair where you were there he was talking about how jiu-jitsu really enriches your life after you start thinking about it like you start thinking about the moves and I was thinking about it today how comedy is great at this point for me you know and you'll be there also sure because

you're on the right path this is the beginning of the journey yeah man opening up for people different people calling you people calling you for veils you know right somebody submitting your tape for Conan and even if you don't get it it's fine right somebody submit it you fucking tape that means you're in the game yeah I remember having a talk around as easy when they had been on 20 auditions and he was in producer sessions he was never gonna book a show and I go you're on the path right it's just you it's just you just got a fall you know yeah and as a comic I know that 10 years ago you know

stand-up wise I'm working today the way I am because of a road I got on 10 years ago right I think about two years before I got off the blow I got serious about writing and even though those last two years of blow were dark for me yeah I was still writing some good stuff I just wasn't performing at late like I would think of something and then I got off the blow and those jokes started working for me but it was two years of writing in the closet you know that you need to get a jump on like there was so much wasted time when I first moved to Los Angeles right is what I'm trying to say if I could do it all over again I

wasted 10 years of time hanging out talking to people about dick yeah you know when I could have been utilizing time those two hours that you could be right yeah it's amazing what you're getting those two hours and if and in the beginning I used to just sit with a notebook and put Lisa at flying Jew and sit there for two hours looking at that trying to think of a joke you understand me right then I figured out wait a second if I write out a story it'll make it easier for me to write that joke because I'm massaging the muscle I'm using the muscle right that's when I really started moving forward in my

life so I started writing stories I started writing more jokes and but it's where you're at right now you're in a beautiful spot I know man and I'm to the spot that you're talking about right now where I'm working on it every day whereas when I first started out yeah I didn't know about the discipline you met four guys and went for coffee right drank and you talked about yeah well I wrote this job yeah after the news you wrote two jokes yeah that fuck the girlfriend once you start making it the priority right and I have to do it first thing in the morning get up have my coffee that's what I do I'm writing like it's

amazing how much even if you only have 15 minutes how much better that is than nothing as long as it's about every day it's about doing it every day same with that class you're taking what's most frustrating part as like a because in normal jobs you have like a yearly review and they're like you have to work on this or you get promoted we get a daily review as a comedian that's true we get an audience review you don't get like a boss review you get both you get like a customer review but not a lot so many times club owners give their review oh really of course that's not even asked for it's not even valid but they'll

give it you know that's great yeah yeah they will fucking say you guys are restaurant managers calm the fuck down all of a sudden they become all of a sudden they become fucking Bud Friedman yeah and that's when my shit shuts off I know exactly who's Bud Friedman I know who's faking the fuck they always talk shit about the last guy that was there a week before they always find something to talk shit about of course they're not talking stuff about us when we leave yeah they love you so they run that game and we run on exactly they run that game and we run ours you know and it works somewhere in the middle it works

as a comic at one point you go home you go you know I have friends are making a lot more than this why am I making this it's all about but it's a business you might say I have friends that are not funnier as I am and get a lot more money it's about numbers at the end of the week it's drink sold versus anything they don't give a fuck if they sell 10,000 tickets and people go there nobody last run out it's out of their fucking hands right they sold 20 fucking thousand drinks you follow me so it's a business and that's what young comics don't realize I'm killing at the store how come I'm not laying out there they think

it's a funny contest they think it's a funny contest I thought I had the same concept going on for years you know I knew guys that would fucking avoid me you know like fuck him but don't follow him or don't put him on a show you know when I get to a club the guy would say hey man I tried to put you on this room but that one a bucked right he didn't want a dirty guy but he didn't want to follow you brother guy that was dirtier than you but you know little things you know you sit there and you get it were you for pressure to be like more Hispanic no you have moments in your head where you doubt yourself and you go maybe I'll

try to sell it Spanish but I'm gonna tell you something they feel the funk they know who the fuck you are and if you don't know who the fuck you are they'll let you know that's when you get no laughs until you get your voice you don't get the laughs that you really you just scrapping for you get laughs you get laughs you get laughs you get ton of laughs but there's a different laugh when you're really you're writing for your voice when you see Bill Burr he's writing for his voice that's it that's it yeah once you figure out who you are it's everything applies it might not be the funniest joke in the world but the

fact that people know who you are they're like oh yeah that's a real thought from this real guy is that why sometimes I'll think you had a good set and you'll be pissed off not like sometimes you've talked about because you forgot to say something but sometimes you think like the laughs aren't genuine is it not genuine or is it just not as hard as it could be I didn't do as good as I could have done I fucked around or I did something wrong I came out the wrong way it this sometimes a comic come out and he might step or say something or just a little bit of ego and you shut the audience off you know I

never understood the comic going back and forth with the customer aren't you and calling them a cunt I never understood that because you stop in the show you got to work yourself on that shit don't don't think I didn't do it I'm not saying I didn't do it I did it that's how you fucking learn not to do it you know I used to talk I used I picked up that New York horrible habit in 94 right crowd-working yeah how you doing that's a horrible habit to get involved in yeah hard every fucking occupation has a horrible habit when you play basketball and you're a forward the worst thing you could do is put that

ball back down on the floor and dribble it and go back up with it grab it and release it that's it every time you dribble that ball the defense comes to you it's a fucking magnet every occupation has a fucking no-no would stand up to me to me that I got caught in it I got caught in it for three or four years I got caught in it till I moved to LA and I realized in LA it's not gonna pan out you get away with it one night at the emperor 1130 at the store at one but you're not gonna get away with it 830 it's only gonna go so fucking far hey where you from did you shave to that shit will not fucking

fly it's definitely and it's definitely not gonna be on the tonight show yeah so working the bleachers just losing and once they come to see you and you do that bam that's it they walk it's really fucking they walk so it's you learn different things along the way I got I was doing comedy for five fucking years with no idea like most people are three years of fucking got an agent and shit and five years I was still lost fucking lost it is weird as a viewer to see special because sometimes when you're at the store it is it can get funny because you can actually see them but I've seen a few specials where they have like

substantial crowd work and I'm not I like you can't you can barely see the person here there it's the camera from the show with Tracy Morgan and the chick they talked to you here that bounces over here that bounces back that's that avant-garde camera work don't work for fucking stand up right that lost of you going to him you just lost him yeah just lost of you at home you just broke his fucking concentration I never figured it out either but man I picked that happen in New York doing open mics 94 that's you know what that happens from what laziness well it's also like a New York standard too like almost everybody does

crowd work with laziness because it's quick laughs quick and you could get into something and it's a 50-50 it's a way to make a connection it seems like a magic trick sometimes people like wow you're really fucking quick meanwhile he's told that joke 15 billion times it's a set up he knows how to set it up he knows what he's doing what would you say if there's a comedian listening who does a lot of crowd work is it is there nothing good that comes from it or well some people are masters at it like Jimmy Brogan's a master at it yeah I think Ian bags a master at it the masters Rick Ingram's pretty good at it you know

but it goes so far it goes so far because the standard is for you to go up then tell me something that I don't know right you know if you're honest if you're doing a 45-minute set you deterrent the 32-minute mark and talk to somebody while they're dropping checks I feel I've done that sure that's a mastery talking to them when they're dropping check because you ain't gonna get no laughter anyway they just looking at the bill huh 62 dollars this guy sucks dick he was good for 20 at the door but for 64 so now that's the gift now how can you get them out of their head how can you get them out of their head

when they get that check and they're looking at that check that's what young comics never add to the fucking thing till you're on stage and you see it happening where was the first time you saw it happening what yeah I can't remember I just know that like any jokes I was doing weren't really working and I just stopped because I didn't want to waste anything you don't understand me it's like wait until they're done paying then you can get back in there you get then you go once they go on their wall and they drop it and now you get them now that's the gift pick them back up again and ending with fucking 29 punches

that's the gift I always hear headliners complain about check drops are there no clubs who like there's a couple have a couple come on after or maybe pre-buy the drinks no well there's a couple people that do check drops after Jim Norton Jim Norton is definitely that's yeah well there's also like the Acme Acme in Minneapolis is a club that that's like a standard and why don't few why don't more more club is do it if everyone I don't want people to run out yeah lose customers again again they're not concerned with the comedian killing they're concerned we're getting paid and right people can run out a lot

easier if the check drops at the end a lot of fucking clubs and let's get a lot of clubs in the color nature bro to be PC on PPC the economy storm Tuesday nights the cops are always there so let me try to run on the tab is that is that black night black night you know whatever they want to call it I don't want to call it they don't call it black night that dining dash motherfuckers those black people with dining dash in 2015 like they don't give a fuck and I know Miami at the Miami Improv there was a cop always there with dogs outside just in case nobody fucking ran on tabs there there's some club on those nights

that they have fire hoses no they give you a they give you a fucking ticket that's how you get out of the club okay they give you a ticket that you paid the tab so that's the only way you get out of the club so it's different things me do I prefer it I learned to work around it I learned to work around it's a way of business it's part of the business and after you die 30 times doing it you figure it out that's when you may go you know what's going on with you right around now you get them both now you're going to your last 10 minutes or you set a lot of comics come up with like a check drop joke check drop joke you know

he says every night or the thing I just play it by these are the things you go along with experience that you'll never know like this guys are trying to fake the font like they'll feature one night and do 38 sets and they go I'm ready to have one yeah and they'll call a club in like North Dakota and make up all these stories and the newspaper came to see him and they got a fake fucking review and they do a paper mache and they print it on a thing and they send it and his poor bastard pays a man this kid comes this dies a slow fucking death plus the big death is when the checks come and he fractures up on stage yeah

don't you want another cookie no you look like you're fucking stumbling mumbling over here fuck he looks good I feel like I'm stumbling mumbling are you looking good something what's going on with you how was your weekend it was a good weekend I had a fucked up thing happen yesterday what happened yesterday no I was going through my bank account I found someone I must have made a mistake and thrown away one of those high interest checks the bank sends you which I've never ever used so someone sent the 730 bucks to the gas company someone went through your trash and then paid their gas bill they must have I

mean I Joey thought I was someone who come and clean clean my house but I haven't had anybody clean I guarantee it's one of those fucking Marines that came over like this is fucking it's been over a month this guy's an acting and they just did like three guys in Vietnam but it Valentine's Day was awesome what gee when I took the mom and her to in and out we're happy would you just double double with fries I tried I tried getting them well done still sucked you don't hold on you don't like in and out burger the burgers are good the fries I don't like they're too thin and they like they have nothing it's like like

there's nothing in the middle of it it's like just air you ate them though I ate half of them I honestly don't eat the in and out how long did you wait to you and got the wings like seven hours how many wings did you get I got the small I whatever that has and but whatever Buffalo Wild Wings has I think it's like eight so this is all Valentine's Day in and out Buffalo Wild Wings because we've been on a diet since June okay I haven't had anything like that got so normally I'd be going I'd be dropping 200 but luckily you all got to get set up the candle in the fluorescent lights no we were we were gonna go see a

movie in between all these fast food things yeah but there was nothing out because we had we had this plan since like October so I she had mentioned wanting to go to LACMA so I took it down there which I thought was gonna be a cool idea but apparently so did every other boy oh yeah Angeles which I didn't realize but it's Saturday too yeah I didn't realize the museum was that packed but it was cool I don't really ever go to museums but it was fun you guys want to go in and out right now fuck yeah you are always talking about knowledge and I got to see some cool art fucking museum Lee when does that what

you went what's wrong with the museum now I'm gonna go home and go go set up with you balls you used to be a criminal going to night classes what's wrong with the museum on a Saturday my point okay what is Saturday night I did have dick night on night oh we went like four in the afternoon or three in the afternoon I had to go downtown on Valentine's the whole week this was it was like a 20-minute drive why you what is wrong with you lately are you just so what advice have you been giving him don't this and there's no advice to give him every softest every night is every night is dick night it doesn't matter

what she likes there's no subway what else not there's no ranch this guy it's amazing how it's just a man he gets talked into every oh bad thing ever heard in my life the meat I feel bad from like after the first time you get burnt as a man sure you know where your girlfriend's at you pull her a sangle look right I don't know if she ever breaks up with you you're gonna be like I took that bitch to the museum on Saturday Valentine's you don't do none of that shit right I got I got I got dick morning and night you got nothing you got nothing you got nothing shades and nothing yeah 50 shades I didn't go see that movie you

don't like her asshole you didn't come in a cheek on her face nothing that's what Valentine's is about I know you you probably fucking come in your hand when she's sucking you come in my hand but I don't aim at her cheek you don't blow alone her mouth not that you feel I in her mouth you don't you probably come in a tissue and you know but not throwing sex I just eat a cookie where you fucking you look hungry not a cookie there's a good cookie there's a delicious cookie but I'm fucking stoned out of my mind already that's alright we got a package of thin mints at the house I got one box what type of thin mints that's

all that's just thin mints fucking museum don't think we forgot about the what's the wrong with the museum you've never been to museum not at 4 in the afternoon of fucking Saturday what else you want to do what do you think you do what do you think you do Lee you can't you're really don't you're already dealt with fucking terrible shit all fucking day from in and out with grandma the fucking the fucking wings the fucking a cookie at battle how long did you wait at PJs for a seat no no we weren't at like midnight there was no one there come on we waited like 20 minutes above the Wild Wings but there was a Kings game

and a UFC fight so it's busy listen the guy gave you a fucking robe she loves the road you should have given her a robe and taken home and lit the robe on fire and fucked it to the road burnt on the car that's what I'm saying just sitting on fire and say we're not up into the road and I chocolate with the cherry in it sure finger a little bit get that monkey wet and you put that cherry on monkey and lick that motherfucker to the truck and melt send her mother home saying and you send grandma home put it on the fucking bus you're an embarrassment to Jews I should rip that fucking flag down why there's not one Jew that takes

his fucking girlfriend and mom to no fucking in that burger yes or he tells a walk behind me like my wife you ever see I'm Beverly Boulevard you ever see Jews walking together no you see the Jew the man of the house walking straight you see the woman in the back like Rocky and they have to fuck through her sheet who gives a fuck but that's all that matters right I like that she don't fire you like that shit on fire so so how long did a mom hang on the day 20 minutes we it was lunch we went to lunch then we went to the okay and you went to the game Jim and then we went to dinner and when you go to the gym you

stand you stand the epileptical next no we never see our next to each other what is she do she is the elliptical just a different one she goes fucking fast you ever see couples jogging together isn't that the fucking way any day no no park with his hood but it's worse when guys are next to each other they're loud at least when a guy and a girl next to each other they kind I mean like running through the neighborhood they go jogging together it's like y'all can't be a part for a half an hour it's fucking embarrassing I know I don't like a pick him up as he's walking Joe I shoot him in the leg Joey's got people out

there looking at you man Joey just doing it you called Joey look he was on wheelchair today you just have like little rotations for all your friends you look at surveillance I go out I leave the house early man yeah fuck yeah I know I see you on Twitter whatever I'm up early I see your ass up early as shit you guys used to do this podcast at 6 a.m. for you know it was rough it was fun but like people who do that shit no if Lee came to me if a station came to us and said we want you to morning radio somewhere that's morning radio that's what I mean you're paying me enough there ain't no kindly Monday through Friday

right you follow me if you come to me and say I want you to morning radio well this is what I do on a Thursday is right doing a Friday got a couple of that yeah if that's the rate or we shoot to which isn't gonna work right morning radio's morning radio you got to do it we got talked about the topics of the morning and the day that's what they need to do so yeah we do it but right to do four days a week when you gotta get up at 3 30 damn you gotta be embedded seven and if you have a live remote that throws your whole fucking schedule off if you you know you have you gotta go to bed at seven every night so your fucking

machine right four hours you seven and a half hours and get up at 3 30 that's it the studios around the fucking corner one of your half hour away you gotta drink coffee smoke cigarettes get some refraining a couple stars you got to go to bed at 4 p.m. 4 p.m. every goddamn day no people do it and no people do yeah yeah I had an aunt who worked for the IRS who would go like 3 or 4 a.m. or something cuz you got up by 3 or really early so she could be home for our kids a lot of people do it 4 a.m. Jesus Christ yeah yeah I can see you doing it here you think about doing it here it's easy crazy right do that shit

Boston where you got to go outside and fucking blow torch your windshield yeah there's people I call my mom today she said there's people who just don't have their cars because plows have just been going by and packing them in they just there's a parking band but they literally even if they wanted to get to their cars behind like 20 feet of snow right now how many inches away over my mom and Worcester has over a hundred and it's not even the most like 96 had like a hundred and a little I like to come again on Friday it's coming in tomorrow for like three inches oh my god that's man and I lived through those with this 20

30 years ago on the East Coast I lived through one of those we just kept fucking snow yeah it's like every day and I have a Facebook friend or who's who I went to high school with him and he went to jail a couple times and I keep seeing pictures he has like a station wagon with a long fence tied bungee cord to the top of it and he's just going and him and his brother put up a job posting they're paying each guy 200 a day to help them because they just had so much work so that's like a lot of people are working right now because they're showing so much work to do yeah there's work to be done I listen when

I was in the snowmass and I first moved up there I used to shovel snow for 12 an hour yeah 12 an hour Jack and I'd be casing apartments because it was the apartment building they'd be doing me a favor I'd just be seeing when the drug dealers were coming and going my boss's name was Joe Coffey the apartment building was Creekside remember that time you wrote a check to the gas company from a check you stole no no I was in a check guy I was never a check guy being a check guy or like a car car thief you're in there they got you yeah they got it there's no turning back yeah especially now with the cameras yes

especially now with the camera now it must be brutal you can't do a credit card no more what a fucking camera that was no way I was my bread and butter credit cards you know find the fucking credit tonight I was looking at car for cards I was looking for a business card I had a stack of them I put in one of those clips and when I was looking for them I remember this guy I had I lived in a building in 85 for about a month yeah a friend of mine said listen you could you could crash here so the super of the building was across the hall this is the weirdest thing this is fucking Jersey the super of the building was

across the hall but when you can sit come in when you open the door the keys to all the apartments were on the wall and then you rang his doorbell what the fuck and it would take him three four minutes hey what do you want right there's no water tonight turn it back on you know whatever I would and one night one afternoon I got I didn't have a job for a week and I got fucking bored and I said what the fuck is going on already and I took the key that it was like the three-floor house and there was a chick that had gigantic tits on the third floor like the bunny ranch I used to snuck coke and jerk off to her she had

like a fucked up boyfriend she was hot and fuck yeah and one day I went upstairs and opened up her apartment I went in the boyfriend had a big desk and I open the desk and it had a stack of credit cards with that with the clip in it like diners club or every gasoline company this is 1985 and I would take like his American Express and I go to like Chinatown spent 200 and come home and put it back jerk off on them titties I would do that I got his hourly you know I haven't heard we're home and I would go up knock on the door open up go into his office take a card use it for the afternoon bring it back and put in the

fucking thing I did that for about maybe two weeks yeah and then one day I said what am I even putting them back for what am I wasting my time I'm going to this guy's apartment every day like a fucking moron I just started taking them I just started right there but now since I was doing that clip today I got a flashback and I'm like thank God I don't have 30 credit cards yeah somebody think they're in the fucking this card clip and take them home it's fucked up do you ever feel bad about that one about like something that I just remembered that Lee tonight that was the first time I thought of that in 30 years that was

1985 sure I felt bad sure I felt bad but but you didn't pay for it it wasn't like you paid pay for it out of your well they said they have to do like an investigation investigation I felt like I thought they were like accusing me of writing a bad check to the gas company or I don't know they're gonna get you I come over beach and throw you in jail for an afternoon that's why you gotta eat cookies straight there's cookie you know a piece of cookie it's way well I I thought we're talking about a good cookie though look what are you talking about little piece I'm good I'm good I got some of my pocket if I need it oh I'm

peer-pressuring Lee but I'm a lightweight come on we think I'm a piece I can't we're gonna be I loved it but I can't we got about four nights to go out it's I'm sure about big week this week big short guys house Wednesday night really yeah for us oh wait no no you're doing Robin show yeah we have a good time you're gonna stand no I'll come all right don't we have a party on the day who knows what's with the questions it's me it's only about my time yeah sure what's the possible shit look at you fucking thinking of things all the time I want to be around you know really cuz most stuff with weed in it tastes

terrible cookie when somebody breaks your home can you teach me how to do the bark thing yeah you gotta cover your mouth you gotta cover your mouth it's gotta be from like the back of your throat you got to put a lot of air through there it takes practice you can't just jump in you can't just get it first you have a lot of experience your girl oaky spooky was there looking good miss your boy Daniel was there he gave me the fucking Andrew Daniel Daniel was there I'm high as fucking I remember Andrew fucking Miller my boy from fucking Dallas showed up with Cuban pastries again Dave Wilder oh he came

last time yeah he's a good dude man I gotta send them a little fucking camp back he's a good dude y'all know a guy named oaky spooky check that very cute Twitter name yeah she showed a lot of people it's nice not going on you have this relationship with some Twitter people yeah man you know how Ryan calvasos came out me and him been playing you know fucking whatever fuck email tag for a year on Gmail I need to go see oaky spooky because like her pictures like the picture that fucked me up and made me go on a diet like that picture I have with her where my head looks like it was like blown up from the

inside you're swallowing like me yeah you're not swallowing no more you look let me see the crabs give me a little crab pose yeah let me see a front double bicep blast just what you what's that what you were doing oh this no the other one you're a beautiful man so that's who you started multiple I didn't start doing stand-up there but I spent some time there when you start la like a fool and then you went back to Baltimore you fell in love no no no no I grew up in southern Maryland in the sticks went to college in Baltimore moved to LA started open mics in the valley in 98 and just fucking work my way up man so you

went back to Baltimore never went back to what the fuck you're saying when you did comedy in Baltimore I never did did you say that today I thought he said something about I live in Baltimore who the fuck I've done it out there but I never went back to come in here yeah yeah just like fucking Tripoli and Segura and these other fools we started out here actually Tripoli didn't start out no he started in Vegas Segura did did he own Columbus as far as I know he started out here I think he started out here from the podcast yeah no that I wasn't fucking sure at all amen it's a tough racket to start yeah for me but

once you go over that hump it's okay the good thing is there's a lot of open mics out here and you you're way more off the radar than people say you are if you just do open mics in the valley fucking bud Freeman ain't seeing your ass nobody you know no it's seeing your ass now who do you remember from 90 and everybody around back then that's still around when I started when I first first started like the first open mics I did Tripoli had just moved to town so he was doing all the open mics to Kira Soltanovic was around she's to always be here is a fucking hustler yeah one thing you can't take from that girl was

out yeah I saw every fucking night with a notebook and he used to sit there go this fucking girl that I love it when I see a woman work that hard I fucking love it because most of them you know they want to sell their tits right I have a boyfriend right for them or whatever fuck they do some girls like I'm not playing that shit homey I'm going homey don't play that fucking shit I'm talking about women I'm not gonna shut it I'm sending a birthday shout out to Sarah Tiana yeah I couldn't get a baby so I forgot Mara to have what's the name the babysitter left at three today so we could go down to a party over at where's

the party busters oh no shit from four to eight wait I get time party I get shit for going to music I mean you are gonna go to mcdave and busters with my child with a fucking one she's young for a child and my wife even busters is like for it our comics birthday who did the podcast and it's very cool that's a work part somebody said I want to go to the museum for Valentine he's okay and you went down there like a fucking half a homo you know look at all the other guys that were there see if any other fucking guy wanted to be there in your heart you can look at me as a man and say you really want to be in a fucking

museum on a Saturday at four o'clock all shoulder to shoulder looking at paintings you know I was getting shot in the fucking asshole you know it was fun too you know it was really fun was parking at the museum on Saturday this guy is talking to the worst things ever ever seen ever ever ever ever in my life the internet park at the point he's in his oh yeah that sounds good you know that sounds all that shit's easy it's the other shitty gets involved in why you're gonna see why he doesn't know right he doesn't know he thinks that what we're telling them is like right you know we're just telling you this because if

you don't grasp a hold of this now five years from now to grow away we and by that time when she tells you to go fuck yourself don't come crying to me why because you're the guy that wants to do everything she wants to do and eventually a woman says I'm looking for a fucking man I'm not looking for a fucking hologram that's here to wipe my feet that's in a fairy tale women want to know their fucking place Lisa yeah so always remember that she's gonna meet a fucking attorney it's a man and she's gonna go this guy because he has a fucking voice you have to have a voice as a fucking man every once in a while

and go you know what I'm not going down there I don't need to go to no museum to see all right one of my Da Vinci I'm Lisa at radio personnel yeah you want to go get a fucking you want to go to Radio Shack and get a fucking VCR I'm in now practice saying that I'm Lisa I have radio personality so what's gonna happen there's what I make your muscles when you do it what do you think's the half of couples we think happens to couples because you didn't establish yourself in the beginning I'm not doing that on a Thursday though you do that he's 20 bucks you like the bus hop along you like the bus sure and I see

us all the time I saw I'm going through this with Francesca the Agostino sister women love that shit in the beginning for about a year and a half then when they wake up and they go I got a mop over here I tell this fucking moat what to do right and he does it like a fucking slave it's not too late to shift gears no so now you have a problem now you're gonna go I don't want to do that she's gonna say well you changed you got to fight through that you got to fight through that so if you tell him who the fuck you are from day one you never have a problem listen I want to go to your museum like I want ten fucking

black guys all right same level same level repeat after me you know three years when you have a child that's different that's a museum you get the hat you'll see electronics and pirates but with a grown fucking woman a 24 year old woman there's only one thing to do on a Saturday afternoon and it ain't the tar pit yeah it's dick afternoon afternoon of Valentine's what'd you get that studio apartment for to sit there by yourself no they give a dick dick morning if not you should have an attempt wait we had dick morning I know you yeah I did but you had vagina museum vagina afternoon yeah but you have a

giant afternoon you gotta get it together there's more dicks of the sure you're a fucking legend if not she's gonna go what am I dating this guy for I might as well just get a butler to do what the fuck I want to do letting them know their place is a very harsh way of saying let everybody know their fucking place in life you know that what the fuck you think it just starts at home you don't tell everybody I didn't tell my wife she was a peasley slave I explained you know I told that she I didn't want to show her I didn't want to come to comedy shows with me yes that's a bit I had to tell them from the

beginning because I made a mistake with another girlfriend I finally I finally you follow me so all we're trying to tell you is what to do now because that's a good idea I'll try it you have to try Lee but the problem is I don't mind doing a lot of stuff because you're half a fat that's why because you might as well put wings on you want to go for you tell me the truth you want to really go make macaroons this is what macaroons know when you were in college you sat there one day you said you know cooking class was fun we did steak but how many steaks have you cooked is that it was like two weeks ago yeah all right nothing

all right what about the other ones you go for crepes that was fun yeah that was fun how many crepes have you cooked as a class like one nothing you haven't cooked a fucking thing how many crepes is she fucking cooked none then what you go to the fucking class for so at least you have that in your back pocket how many macaroons did she fucking make since then how many steaks is she cooked in then none what's the class for for fun no fuck for you want fun get a howler of a baller and get a water pistol sprinkler her asshole that's fun run around the house that's fucking fun a cooking class is so you got this now right right we don't

have to go to root chris only for your birthday that you're gonna make steaks twice a week yeah let me teach how to make two eggs so you're going to get a two eggs and a steak for breakfast and let me teach how to use the toaster for some toast that's why you go to fucking cooking class so after dick morning you get that's why i go to cooking class i can't cook i'm horrible right the other day i made a cheese on the for breakfast because they weren't up and they both came out while i was cooking and my my daughter looked at me cooking and she looked at my my wife she's like

you're still gonna cook breakfast right dad is foolish but look at that fucking disaster yeah i need to take a fucking cooking class that's what you think cooking class to learn how to cook right right am i lying here maybe i'm fucking delusion no that is the idea how many macaroons do you have to eat though how many did you fucking make since that class none okay make macaroons at all so this week you tell her listen when you come over friday let's whip up those macaroons you were supposed to fucking take no time in

class all right ps i hate museums i used to hate museums take a cookie will you no cookie for you for your sins this weekend take a little piece there it's only five milligrams body of christ that's a lot it's only five million the whole cookie is fucking 22 milligrams yeah right they would never go random number no i'm okay it's only like uh three milligrams i'm looking at it on my my computer right here i'm over here for you because i love the cops okay i thought you were i thought you were like mad at me last night or something because i called you and you were like really

quiet on the phone and he told me you ate like some salt water taffy that just sitting over the moon oh yeah i was fucked up last night he passed out people bring your treats in uh in austin or you brought your on your treat here oh cool okay some little fucking taffy i was fucking strong as shit i couldn't watch the tv no more i had to keep blinking and stuff it was like there was something wrong with my fucking eyeballs you've been going out a lot in the road my brother this year yeah january i went out a bunch of places where'd you go a headline in north carolina

wilmington north carolina there's this place called the dead crow comedy club which is off the hook i did some indie shows in florida and i opened for my boy in bag in kansas city i did the improv yeah yeah i was not in problem in kansas it's pretty good man it's pretty good it looks like all the other improvs but it's pretty fun the audiences are pretty good they laugh good time never even thought of going again like they they've never even made it off or nothing really isn't the other club the guy has the wig with josh wolf goes were you texting somebody

my phone's in my pocket i hope so eat a cookie how about are you texting your girlfriend no my phone's in my pocket how about a rock candy are you texting your girlfriend's grandmother gotta eat something before you leave this is the souffle i already ate two things that's okay we got we got 10 things so you gotta eat three out of 10 what else would you like to let me see what the options are let me show you no he gets mad when i text my girlfriend to he doesn't understand texting conversations right here we got more cookies wow you can eat a whole cookie no why you want to eat in pieces

this is like the marijuana olympics it feels like a little star you want to eat another half a star i feel like i'm getting a gold what do you know the half a star was it like this when you guys used to wake up at six a.m. this is all these treats there are edibles but not to this level how about your cereal bar how about a whole cereal bar what's a bar could i have a one of the kernels or is it a bar you're getting too thinly snack on some of that shit not when i eat that munchies i could i went to i went i went to yum yum i said 11 p.m. the other day how about one of these just eat one of these

a nice rock candy is it oh wait no is it a chewy one or a hard one these are hard can i have a chewy one i don't have a fucking chewy candy you got somebody got the cereal thing the only thing we don't got is chewy no there's no more chewy try a rock candy it's good for you it's got vitamin d in it but it's gonna sound bad on the microphone who cares you don't have to say nothing just sit there look at the stars we take it look at the stars of david you look good look at your eyeballs do they match my shirt what flavor you want red or blue is good there's a nice red one for you oh we've had these before yeah they don't do that yes they do they

don't do nothing can you drive me home ain't nobody driving home ain't nobody driving nobody home we got this fucking big a brownie oh you don't want that brownie have you tried this brownie you want this oh sure yeah that's a go see that's how we do it we don't fuck around this is better than in and out we're gonna open it what are you gonna take i got it to go i want to bite now i got a cookie right here oh you want this brownie now while you're chewing on a hard candy all right well open the brownie what the fuck man look at your nibble on the cookie oh yeah look are you like a mouse i take it slow oh i like it i call it chrome you know some people smoke rocks i eat crumb that's how i do it i don't know i'm disappointing you but so you know i do it you're

eating you're headlining some gigs that's how you do it please bro headlining san diego this year you know just a little one night no it's this joint called uh tipsy crow i think i played the dead crow and the tipsy crow this year already i'm a crow coming crow coming then there's a crow up in uh up in uh not san jose but the what's the hip community up there there's berkeley santa cruz santa cruz they have an old running how's the candy stuck on my teeth but it's good did you eat the whole thing yeah oh my god get that away with me here you're going super deep you want to call you want to call the ambulance right now do you have one on standby i can call like you said never to sign for an ambulance it's 911 sign for them we're gonna sign you know

i got an id that's fake you just fucking get your oxygen and get out of there run out of there don't never see you again with oxygen help well we're gonna do a couple things for you so just call 911 oh my god and when they come tell them we're just kidding or maybe you'll need it who knows red band get really fucked up and call an ambulance $15 later oh your heart's gonna beat don't call the cops start breathing just breathe your way out of it that's it through your nose out your mouth you got this and breathe and when you get enough energy go get some coffee let coffee some tea i fucking hate tea what do you hate tea you hate coffee yeah well i don't hate call i just never tried to like it because it's too expensive coffee's too expensive what are you

talking to people and like in boston go like five yeah these fucking jerks five times a day don't you're the king of swing i am the king of swing all right you get yourself a little fucking thing a little coffee a little starbucks i got a kurg yeah then what the fuck make it at home you know where'd you get the carry from amazon five months like 80 bucks you don't drink coffee paula does but if i didn't get it we were gonna go go to breakfast every day so now we make breakfast at the museum you're going to the museum you know what they got some good pastries over there no no but now we eat breakfast and we try to go to denny's over the weekend and it was just terrible how bad was it just the manager there was like the worst like she was for some reason helping the

host where anyone who's worked in a restaurant knows you help one food like let the host the like the whole they were running on three different things of paper so paul and i got skipped over for like three tables did you tell him you're least out of sight of your personality i should have told him so we ended up doing you went home no we waited we were there for a fucking hour for eggs can i tell you i want to talk to you on the phone we were already there by that point fucking thinking let me tell you that when you were there didn't i say like what are you doing there yeah tell me i'm gonna be quick listen five ten listen after nine o'clock you don't go to breakfast right you're fucked in this town you cash in on that cooking class because they're leaving

church so you have a 20 minute wait especially if you go with somebody if you go alone you can always grab the motherfucking bar you follow me it's a counter baby counter but you gotta you know i'm saying i tell you date with you somewhere after nine thirty what's that first mass empties out you are no danger that's sunday one oh one do you know what was my favorite when she lived in england i go drop her off at night for like dinner and go to dinner the people at chili's and red lobster were in their sunday bath like purple suits yeah and it was full of black people love red lobster it was your first love if you want to sleep with a black woman from the fucking hood yeah throw up red lobster they go fucking and all they say to you is like you want to take

me to red lobster you give me one of them drinks it's not red lobster it's those purple drinks that's six fucking dollars a piece that drives them fucking nuts drives black women crazy it's like smoking crack they go from crack hose to red lobster fucking hose oh yeah yeah down there what's the other place chilies oh yeah that's big time they go in there small cigarettes yeah and people like sailing we're going to chilies and other people are jealous oh yeah it's like museum to a black person the fuck yeah i love it i love going to fucking red lobster sacramento yeah tons of black people hysterical i don't give a fuck they will suck the red off the crab leg like once they don't only fucking take the meat out of it

they suck the red right out of the fire i love it i love it they don't give a fuck if they got to pay nine dollars like crab leg they get every nutrient out of that motherfucker that's in there they got uh magic johnson tgi fridays have you seen those no but they used to have magic johnson movie theaters in la they don't have no no more no i went to one when i interned out here i think it was like in a bad area probably since it was yes it was not bad that's what i'm saying but i went there like when i was a before i even moved out here to work when i was out here entering the summer before and they don't have that anymore there was a shopping center by the airport it's got like a magic johnson tgi fridays and like black starbucks it was so great i met

darrell right there one day and it was uh i was like i'm sitting at such and such a table and he's like oh i think i'm gonna be able to pick you out because i was the only white guy there but it was funny dude it was like they were listening to the regular starbucks shitty coffee house music it was just like a regular white starbucks yeah it was black starbucks it was beautiful there was god rolling around playing pink floyd in the park and lot black dude it was like alternate universe it was fantastic it's kind of cool in the korea town where they have like korean ads like yours would be rolling around la and then all of a sudden all the ads are in korean it's down western yeah down western it's just it's horrible as opposed to spanish everywhere else

no yeah when you go down west and it's like mexican music that just becomes korean and all the koreans stop they don't know like the double park they just stop yeah so you're sitting there for five minutes you're like why is that trapping and you get in the left hand lane it's wide fucking open they just stop and talking to each other they don't give a fuck i got caught down there one time for an hour i'll never drop down west i think i'm western and melrose i fucking tap out jack that's hysterical yeah no there's no fucking use it's it's uh when i went to austin that was the biggest complaint from people and how much austin had grown and how bad the traffic was and i tried to explain to the dirty people that said that to me i go you know what there's traffic everywhere

and mind-boggling traffic fucking mind-boggling traffic some days you you can't wrap your head around la when i come up laurel can you at three o'clock and pee who's mealy and how slow people are going and it's a fucking hour yeah it's 45 minutes of time to get a fucking laurel king that's not even that much i can't tell you how many times i spent two hours on the 405 from san harmonica the sherman oaks an hour and a half not not a problem wednesday nights because the longest part of it is getting to the freeway which i don't think other cities have but that's six o'clock shit having a job and not getting home till seven fifteen with that's it there's no accidents and no jerk wars that i can't do that no it's horrible i used to have a job on the west side lived on the east

side and every morning it was just like and you were all a side watch too i mean i would try my best this is before i had fucking gps or shit i would just take the 10 and just like with a gun in my mouth oh no you got it yeah oh yeah well i take olympics sometimes i take this that and the other will share but it sucked either way and when you first move here the streets are super fucking long so you think oh i'm this is the olympic right here my job's on olympic i'll just go and it's three days later you're at work i know it's terrible i made appointments to go down there today because there was no traffic it was i left my house at nine thirty be on wilshire at ten i got that five to fucking ten but i i can't do it no more i can't go over the hell i love going to higgins and stuff

in the daytime i love training with dave and i'm just waiting for what's his name to open up his school up over the hell so i can zip in at lunch and get the fuck out of there by one o'clock that one hour on the way down to 45 on the way back that two at 10 o'clock i'm gonna leave to be there at 10 to fucking 11 yeah man and the traffic gets heavy every time i'm going up to hell this days i don't think i'm gonna fucking make it at all man i'm like i'm like i'm gonna make it the fucking jiu-jitsu today it's just too much and that's the way it is everywhere new york city is the same fucking way when i go to dallas there's tons of traffic forget fucking miami dc boltz you know we're just i don't know if i you know i could sit here and say it's overcrowding or

we have too many cars because everybody's on the fucking train too yeah the fucking train at nine o'clock you got some guy breathing down your fucking neck and a japanese guy with a surgeon's mask on yeah you know so don't tell me that the trains are fucking empty you know no they're packed do you think no one takes the train in la they're fucking packed mass transit is packed in there like those buses but they don't have one to the west side that's the no it's not good they don't have one from the 405 down to the 10 they're working on something it's gonna take decades but they're working on it because they know they know la is fucked as far as traffic is concerned and yeah they uh they do already have one that goes to long beach oh they do they already have it

my girlfriend and i'm joking but do you ever think like there should be like some sort of time woman on being here if you're not doing something if you don't knock it out of the park after 20 years if you're not successful or anything it's just there's so many people here who are just like my fucking danny's waiter was from bossing there was like one step away from doing good will hunting scenes at my table uh it was just embarrassing to watch he was just joking around with bob on boxing and and cheers and he was he was just being really like he was being overly hammy it was like the first time i'd seen it and then paula takes lifts home sometimes from the train station and she said like every other one is like an actor who like hands her a script

it's just it's i get that it's tough but at some point we need more space there should be a talent like a talent measurement at the border at the border of california or at lax we have to do a monologue she like a visa cold reading show like hey i'm working or just let the people who are born here stay here and do that kind of work you know but then you read these stories that people here 11 years they found that's the thing that's the thing and we know it takes long a dream is a dream is a dream working towards they don't have to be a star but like you can't just be like going to parties in hollywood listen not everybody's least eye at radio personality how could i mean you can't judge these people you know you asked me when i was the most

frustrated in my comedy career the most frustrated was in 95 when i wanted just to feature and work i wanted just to get comedy work and i was working around dinner and getting guests when you're prepared when people come up to you and saying you're ready to do you get frustrated you know and the other frustration i got was here there was one point where i was uh but i was frustrated at the four-year mark that's when i really got frustrated right you know frustration is when nothing's going on that's when you feel bad about yourself so that's when the frustration comes in what if i mean you know i'm really lucky and i'm really aggressive and i'm i'm a hustler and sometimes ignorance is bliss absolutely because when i walked into bronx county

i knew nothing about acting nothing i had just signed with an agency called the coloring book that's how bad this agency was people right and i get a call one day that they want to see me at bronx county and see me ass on fifth street in san amonica and i go down and it's a player Puerto rican bartender in a fucking bar which i hate all those roles it says i can never pull them off right but the cast director was so fucking great that he pulled it out of me and i don't know how with no acting experience no acting classes i booked the cbs pilot and they paid me money and then you know it was great and i shot the fucking pilot and for seven months i lived confused i didn't know if i should buy a house right tell bitches to shut the fuck up you know

you're gonna do that yeah you know and also the pilot didn't get picked up well what is that what does that do to the normal person that hasn't taken an acting class he's like i'm better than these guys or whatever i don't know what i was fucking thinking on my mind then i went in for baseball and that's how i got my sad card because it was a second book i got baseball i got a taco bell commercial you know like and at that point i was doing comedy maybe seven years so was it the states time that gave me the the patois to go into the walls i don't know i used to just work myself up be so scared i'd go in there and blow up in the fucking room you know believe what kept me here what what kept me here what made me go to houston and go you know what

i can't believe i'm saying let's want me to audition for his movie you know what i'm gonna make an audition tape what if i was the regular schmo and didn't think that way i didn't take no finance i didn't give a fuck we're either gonna go a big pussy attonious every goose and they're great as celebrities but this is a comedy if you want this movie to work i've done buffalo at halftime i have to send my tape and and i sent it in and we got the fucking movie but there's a lot of people that go through this town and don't do anything for 15 and you see him and you feel fucking bad right and then some people get it i told the story about last year i went to the grudge match premiere and i came out and i saw a kid i was friends with 15 years ago we're both on the same

path and coming right and now he was working on a ten dollar store on hollywood boulevard and how bad i felt talking to him and how negative he was about the town right and they killed me i killed me for about a week i talked on the podcast and about a month ago i asked him about they go you know here he changed his life he quit that job he quit comedy yeah because he knew that's it you know he was dressing up as a fucking bunny suit right at a show once a month that's not comedy you know and i got it when he got here and booked some commercials but you know this town has changed 10 years ago a schmo like me could come here and book a bunch of shit today you're not gonna book much because there ain't much to book there ain't much to book all those costars how you learn how

to act those little rows that you're walking and say get up you're under arrest and people like oh my god you know people here say go fuck yourself you're in two lines people at home like dog i'm proud of you that was you you're a movie star so that that's the reality of it those roles are gone that's how you learn to act and why is that because there's not as many tv shows they're not shooting to me they're hiring off reels now you know so people don't even know you exist 10 years ago i was going to audition and do okay and let me go you know what you're not right for this i'm gonna keep my eye on you it was a smaller scene right no it was more action there was more going on okay and the same people were here but all these states have uh tax refund tax tax credits so

that takes from us you're gonna shoot the movie there so what do they do they hire the principals here but they hire local actors because they're gonna fly everybody out they're gonna fly everybody out and put them in a fucking four-star hotel and feed them take the hire actors they're in that area so yeah that's how they do it which works hey it fucking works i'm not mad at you so all those little roles we used to get here when i handed james cobra and a gun an american gun and walked away when i handed james cobra and a clip to sign i said here i delivered a box to you i'm just like you half italian half irish and i walked away all those stupid fucking roles right that you learned to know about you learned about the extras what they're doing you learn how to take

from the director you learn how to fucking stand correctly how to open up in front of the camera how to walk those are the roles that you learn those things because you have to do them yeah you're not sitting there for an hour talking to somebody so what do you think i think we should arrest them no shit no you're just walking and going hey pick up line four and you walk out right you know there was a movie that there was chance palm of terrible i just grabbed the guy out of a trunk and said you're gonna die and i threw him in the water that was it that was it it took eight hours to shoot while i was doing it i was happy as a pig and shit yeah if you call me for that role today i tell you go fuck yourself right but when i got here in 2001

and there i am on the set with date and cali from suns anarchy and fucking riser and all these fucking guys paul riser was mean to me in the makeup chair nice and chance palm of terry and all these fucking guys and there i am going pulling the guy out of a trunk and going you're gonna die the guy we pulled out was a stuntman and i saw him in a weed store about two years ago and he's like remember me how many times you throw me into that we threw him into a long beach fucking dock over there like 18 times one night you know this is how you learn to act so if you really think you learn to act by going to some acting school give them ten thousand dollars that's fucking candy cane shit oh i did a scene from from a flash dance it was the back get the fuck out of here

look at the fuck out of here scene from flash dance bitch you know so that's the confusion lane i get the dream i get what you say i see kids uh today that'll come up to me go hey man it was really good that rogan helped yeah well i didn't movies on my own right what when you were fucking going to the movies with your girlfriend i wasn't at the comedy store right following paul mooney at 12 30 a fucking night that's what a lot of people telling me that's what a lot of people don't get you know you got to put in the work every day yeah they don't get that you can't just uh work at denny's and like hope someone calls you for an audition and then work your life ain't fucking working out for me you got to hustle you got to take an acting class and meet other fucking actors

and see what the fuck they're doing and go hang out where they hang out where they want sad is it go to the actor studio and we check then you go to the fucking actor studio you chit chat you know all my parents are coming to town that's not my problem you should have fucking invited them yeah you're working this is work exactly like i'm working whatever and if no fucking parent ain't nobody unless until you get the yacht with ten minutes sucking your dick right then your parents come out to visit yeah and your friends are the middle of there i want to come out for four days for what the midges live on the yacht for what i'm gonna entertain them we think i'm gonna drive around la in the fucking ten fuck you you're on your own then they get here oh yeah we

got a hotel in marina doray looks like i won't see you because i live in north hollywood bitch that's a long way you're for a long way from home party you know no and that's the problem that you have people understand yeah that's the people understand what you got going on you start if no one's hiring you you start working you start working even if you're not getting paid you start doing a podcast you start hitting the stage you start doing the fucking plays or whatever you start doing you start making your own movies that's how you fucking do it fuck the leaf of five seconds all my nose all right it is kind of fucked up because i was i asked you when you came in how many podcast episodes you have you said like oh shit that's the full charge power hour by the

way yeah like number 107 right 108 i've done 108 yeah and it's just cool because like over the past year i did a bunch i'm not doing so many more and it's not even these but just you see these people start podcasts yeah and i think they've seen so many people make some money yeah that they're expecting coca-cola to come sponsor them in three weeks yeah and when it doesn't happen they just end or no you have to build forever you have to build until it goes you have to keep putting the work in yeah and it catches when it catches that's the deal yeah it's and and then they think oh they're just gonna come they're just gonna find your like coca-cola's gonna have a guy finding your number like they won't call any sponsors or yeah it's just it's really weird

yeah well most people don't put the fucking work in what are you gonna do you have to put the work in it every day yeah every goddamn day it's annoying you want some more pot not really you look good man you look good i gotta be a burglar in the back of this fucking place gotta be a fucking burglar what if you're shitting your fucking pants and i have my keys a fucking burglar unbelievable how much that pisses me off a fucking lock on the bathroom like somebody's gonna rob the fucking toilet paper some shit yeah like homeless people are in and out of this fucking building maybe some homeless people come in so what let them take a fucking little toilet we can shout it's better than on the fucking sidewalk right

listen man it's uh hey plug this in for me i think i popped out the wires yeah there you go this fucking wire went to puts this shit tonight yeah you know when you have a dream man i can't tell you i would never go up to somebody and tell them it's time for them to leave i have no problem going up to them and telling them it's time to tighten a game exactly there's little things you do to tighten your game what are you doing in the afternoon well i sit with three of my friends i gotta ask you some where those fucking two jerks go right nowhere why are you sitting with them yeah sit with somebody go sit with dane cook exactly don't sit with fucking Matt Fultron yeah i don't care if you're gonna get them coffee i don't

care if you're gonna buy them coffee yeah i rather write a joke with Matt Fultron than write a joke with three jerks with a fucking mind dream they elevate you there's so many different fucking shortcuts how do you prove yourself you go out six nights a week when i go out and i see you there and you you've already done three sets and you're 22 and i'm at the store 11 you're like let's do it dawg i'm here to hang out with you the hell you know i know these people are real that's not people know when somebody is real i know when somebody comes in LA is not working for me well how many nights a week do you go out well nobody puts me up that's not my fucking question exactly my question is how many nights a week do you want to go out because i know motherfuckers that get up three times

a night in the fucking valley pasadena hamburger hamlets these motherfuckers go out you know six nights a fucking week and if you don't have to spot go to a fucking show anyways and get to know the motherfuckers that run it next thing you know you can get up everybody wants to do the improv destroy the laugh yeah and if they don't get to those three they get caught up and it affects them where me i'm working on the spot don't worry about that that'll be there that's not going anywhere that's always gonna fucking be there what i want you to do is just keep getting on stage yeah but my friend fuck your friend fuck your friend i'm telling you what you need to do get on stage every fucking night after you do two spots then do me a favor then come to the store you can have a drink

yeah but till you do what if i only do one then you're not going to the fucking store you didn't deserve to go to store the improbable laugh yeah wherever you're gonna go to sit there and watch and learn from other fucking comedians you know and that's what i'm saying like me and sam and fucking kira we'd see each other every night back in the 90s we had to learn how to do this shit and we go up fucking all the time man that's how it fucking works i didn't start at the store fuck come on it does nobody fucking does i you know when when i started working with leigh about two months before i met leigh a kid contact me silent bob his brother roncho bob roncho roncho bob what does roncho mean well he works on a ranch or some shit okay roncho bob

worked for gabriel for a few weeks but roncho bob we go to gabriel's shows take some pictures and then go back to gabriel and give him pictures of gabriel okay what are we gonna be doing he framed these three whatever i don't know what happened and gabriel would give him like 200 bucks well one day i guess he saw that one of the comics was getting a thousand bucks and he got pissed off why is this comedian getting a thousand bucks i'm taking pictures here just as long as he is i want a thousand bucks so he went and asked gabriel and gabriel told him to go fuck himself gabriel was like are you fucking kidding me you came to me from day one from school photography the kid was going to film school right i felt bad for the kid right you know he was trying to make

his way going to different comedy clubs taking pictures of comics i asked him when they said can you give me a favor can you come to the house and take some headshot to me he gave him 100 bucks you know he almost because i don't most fucking blew up if i showed you when he brought me back for headshots i just threw him in the garbage right didn't ask him for his hundred back i just knew that this kid did not prepare he didn't even know what a headshot was where most people go let me see what a headshot looks like right but a year later he calls me back and he goes listen i want i'm going to film school i'm graduating i want to help out you know with videos i said all right come on up and show and shoot a joy karate video he comes up spends an hour shoots the video you

know this motherfucker put it up without anything even the takes even the fucking like no next take like i couldn't believe it this rancho bomb i couldn't believe it to the point here what you're saying that i couldn't believe it to the point that again i couldn't say none do you think it was no he just didn't know it he just was that you know he didn't do his homework this is a kid that went to film school this is why film school and all these things mean dick to me yeah they mean nothing to me he just threw away money if i'm 18 right now and i want to go to film school i go tell my dad listen save the 10 000 for college buy me a two thousand dollar camera and i'll go shoot the fucking everything for a year absolutely you go shoot yourself a job at

night you go shoot everything be a pa and open you keep shooting videos keep shooting videos keep shooting videos keep shooting videos keep shooting videos and then you become a pa because now you see it from a different angle you learn the steps as it goes along you thought you were supposed to do this motherfucker you're supposed to do this yeah and it becomes an education and i want that guy i'll run with that guy at four years then some guy that comes from usc fucking film school yeah you know eight six years ago i did a film for some guy from a usc film school it was a hundred dollar a day film which to me i'll even give a fuck about those it was like a film to get financing for another film yeah do you know when when i booked the film this motherfucker i was shooting

like on tuesday this motherfucker sent me an email going okay we're gonna rehearse every day from eight to four on this scene they said listen not in my fucking world you might as well cancel me now this is a hundred hours a day yeah it's and i listened to me in that day's when you're doing rehearsal you're the only yeah we were shooting like on a tuesday the like let's say i booked it today okay i booked it today i got the call today thursday this motherfucker called me he's like hi uh what we're gonna do is we're gonna rehearse next monday they go um popping a rehearse dog unless it's the near-world assembly time i'm not going down there to pasadena from eight in the morning to four no money lee just rehearse for a fucking movie no lee no lee let me tell you the story i told

him right out of the phone no he was like you know i'm very disappointed we'll be disappointed i have a life i'm a stand-up comic i do this and this and this i don't have time to rehearse for eight to four that's not my bag look at my resume look at the reel if you want to do this i'll play the mobster and then i understand i feel a hundred a day okay when i got there next day we did a good job and he came over like the next tuesday and he was like how you doing the name is very nice but guess what they got the financing for the movie didn't call me didn't call the other guy didn't call anybody who shot that movie that was there working hard all day for a hundred bucks see do you understand me my fucking tell him to go fuck himself didn't make a difference he wasn't gonna

hire us anyway we got the financing right then he called no no then it gets better this douchebag calls me the day and says hey what are you doing next weekend nothing what our movie got into the las vegas film festival into the finals we'd like for you to come up okay call me back with the flight information and the hotel i'm staying in you know me don't you're right you're right lean look how i did it i didn't say are you nothing you just assume you just steamroll right okay i'll come look and do me a favor it's a vacation for me and my wife send me a plane ticket no don't even say send me a plane ticket just say send me let me know let me know the info all the plane and reservation info no right there you hear like a fucking hello and you hear like

what yeah oh no no we were just thinking we did the movie listen right there was when i said listen you're in no fucking danger i ain't spending time but i got $90 after this because i got a hundred for the day and ten goes to your agent right after you pay taxes it's 63 fucking dollars yeah so now you want me to spend two bills for a plane ticket and a hotel and put a suit on and dry clean it to come to your fucking premiere you understand me about ball's league i'd rather go to museum i said it i said it in the fucking beginning i told him no in the beginning so he knew all the way through right told him no from the rehearsal guess what in 2000 i would have been there all week from eight to four like an asshole do you follow me you learn you fucking learn you

get burnt sure you know all those hundred-dollar day movies you shoot them you weigh your own suit you get there at four in the morning you have no place to change you change in a car like a fucking you know like a homeless person and they make you all these promises not the end what's that scene is shot and you go home my brother try to get your fucking real from these people yeah exactly don't hang up on you they'll do everything so why am i going the extra mile for you you understand if you don't say no in the beginning with these dummies yeah don't fuck you in the fucking ass out of here of course they're rookies they're amateurs they don't know what they're doing no that's what they're built to do that's what these people do that's what they get off on they get

off on fucking uh you know that's what we'll get lead we'll give him two and a half to the day but he will get 800 for him right we'll subley offer 800 well he's a radio person you know why you subley offer 800 you go to lead like a man and go lead they're gonna give me 800 for you you know if i give you five and i take three and you say give me six and take two done 200 for booking you these motherfuckers want to give you two and keep sex yeah i did a college in uh sand whatever barber last week yeah kid who booked it for years kind of kicking yeah i always knew didn't take a genie he's russian i am you know those russians kinky kid oh he calls himself russian you know uh i just knew it just knew from fucking being out there you know like something's

not right here the college paid this really college i'll do it it's a saturday i got nothing else but that's weird you know there's a guy that strictly does that i don't even know if i want to mention his name but he goes around to colleges and he's he keeps like 80 and gives the comics 20 percent it's lee so i go up there this time first off i do two things with him and both things they end up all right but that something's not right yeah something's not right to check something so i find out he opens up a comedy club and this is right after santa barbara the shootings up there i got a call like a week later he's doing benefits 100 percent go to the shooting victims joey come usually i do all the benefits but i know this motherfucker you know i know him i just know people

i know who does comedy for the love of comedy and i know who does comedy to rob other comics yeah there's a point in life for comedians to go fucking i'm miserable nobody gives me a chance i'm gonna start becoming a producer and fucking these comics robin comics robin comics and they'll go to a hotel with a big budget go give me two thousand dollars a week and they'll pay three comics and walk with seven yeah and this goes on until they and they all get busted and they lose face completely so don't even answer that just don't i'm headed to fucking jupiter unless you're coming i mean answer so it's a lack ma it's fucked up sometimes like a lot of job applications now we'll say rate depending on experience or the hobby when you apply what what's your desired rate

i always felt like i if i put i could put too little and they'd be like scamming me they'd be like oh we would have paid this much for that position i always hate when they did that no you put what you want so when you go in the room they'll tell you where you stand then you have a platform but at least you have somewhere to start always hit them a little high you have nothing to fucking lose so this kid i know he's kicking calls me up for this benefit and you know me i said let me get back to let me look at my schedule there's no way i'm doing that fucking thing no you know don't work too hard for you to take my fucking money it's not going to get donated you're worse than ycliffe gene i know these people you know ycliffe gene robbed

his own fucking people with his benefits he was going to be president too you know is he really going to be president he was before that happened until he got caught robbed with his own fucking thing so i find i get to the gig that night and i go where's the guy they're like oh he doesn't book it no more he just makes calls for us now and he gets it for you comics and he looked the kid looked at me he goes things were running so smooth look at the amount of your check tonight look what you were getting he goes he was taking the difference guys he was taking two quarters of the fucking check he got from the college and then and then they go yeah he called me i go i always knew he was a thief he called me for those benefits he goes was he scamming people with those benefits

because what he was doing was he went to a bar and made the bar a deal that i want 50% of everything the bar the drinks the food the door he got 100 people there but he comped the door he only got five people to pay for tickets so he would keep the hundred bucks and get 50% of the door so he wasn't donating at the time he was donating a hundred bucks but keeping three thousand so yeah to the comedian there's always a move with this fucking guy yeah that's fucked up hey man the best thieves rob you with a gun when somebody robs you with a gun they're a fucking asshole because there's a million ways to rob motherfuckers without a fucking gun yeah let me get some shout-outs here we get this party like you could steal one of the checks out of the trash

that's right you're fucking google take one of the credit cards out of that you want a cookie i had a cookie all right michelle hurley i love you nick lair codis the back cock sucker teddy lynch jamey mckelvue i don't even know what the fuck this name is seth murell mjt esquire eddy g travis and what the fuck is this my man my main man ted shea and shit same as it ever was podcast making things fucking happen i love you constructors always so yeah you know you always gotta keep it together what's up with you ain't that hot oh you're a liar he's faking it look at me he's faking it i'm a big faker what uh what do you got working on my brother what do you got coming up what do you want to do what are your goals for this year it's two thousand i'm

gonna do a special i got a production company to do a special we're gonna tape the motherfucker do an hour around town and i'm just gearing up for that i'm getting that hour together i'm gonna do some sit-ups are you gonna get beautiful you're taping at one location yeah yeah at the uh i think the Virgil on Santa Monica we'll have some dates for you soon i'm gonna get that shit together how is the very nice place yeah it's nice man that place around the corner by the gym they've been shooting a lot of specials there like el portal or right there at what town theater down like or something yeah who shot lately uh sarah kolona and then a couple other people very nice i want to do it all though man who's that dude from that tbs show the the

the sun's show the celebrity sun show the white dude right he shot there oh in benjamin yeah at the port town theater very nice yeah it's very nice wendy leeman shot that for years very nice we should do a podcast that way what else you want to do this year so you're shooting out when what are you ata i gotta we got a bucket but i don't know i'm thinking around like may i want like a good three month chunk to just get ready and fucking hone it every day you know i mean it takes it my teeth and it's tough it really is yeah but it's good to have a date to shoot for instead of just like i'm gonna work on my stand up in general can't wait to have a day i can't wait to have a date

once you strap that date on it fucks with you oh yeah yeah yeah you gotta get ready you don't want to look dumb up there you want every second of it to be fucking beautiful it's tough that's why i never committed to one because i know it's a lot of fucking work i'm trying to commit to one we won't know anything till mid-marriage and then i got no months but i got a big chunk i got three weeks in a row to pick up yeah 15 minutes yeah well you should do it man you've done a couple cds right and i'll be here for a month and then i'll tighten all the business stuff up and higher production managers i have to worry about dick yeah i don't want to hear fucking dick from nobody right and then i'll probably shoot in vegas at the south point you

can see them that'll be awesome man lisa i'll be there with a tuxedo eating these fucking animals i'll catch a ride with lee man because that's how this motherfucker rolls shit just like dat lee just like dat lee those russian neighbors must not know what's going on in this in this office they're like having a party when we came in yeah can you imagine what they're thinking when they hear this stuff that comes out of here i think there's like a fucking dog ring in here fucking cock fights and shit you know a lot of comedians like you when i mentioned your name you're one of the ones that's very well liked it's uh i want i was gonna tell you that on the phone but i

want your head to get swollen it's it's really nice having you around like oh thanks man you man and you just have this warm uh thing to you i see you i see guys like steve somone i see a lot of young guys and i'm like man those guys are in limbo right now right the same limbo i was after years spinning around not knowing and when you get down about it you just go fuck it let me go do a spot let me work with it and everything evolves you kind of need you got to lean into it you got to fucking if you if you're getting like bummed out about your career fucking put more work into it instead of like sitting back and going why doesn't anything happen because it will distract you and you'll fucking actually love doing it too that's what you forget

you're gonna love writing you're gonna love performing it's beautiful to see a joke grow yeah it really is to see a joke grow that you were fucking around with lee in the car and lee would say say that up on stage and i said and then you had a tag to another tag then it becomes something else and you had a tag for that and now you have a full bit you know and you're like fuck i did this you know just going out and sometimes you want to sit down and really write but sometimes you really do do your best writing on stage i think i lie to myself and now i'm trying to be honest with myself it's great if i put thoughts down on paper and connect them a certain way but then when you get to the club and you get there and you see her performing in front

of you the person in front of you it all comes to you while you're hearing somebody else's cadence you get to their rhythm you're like oh this is what i'm gonna fucking say and next thing you know you go on stage you just wrote this two-minute little bit to open up the show yeah but you did it you know it's it's that's what i like about this yeah and you see people's faces and you're like oh they need something now like here's something funny here's something funny you just keep you you know they need it so you're pulling it out of the fucking sky it's beautiful i love it i love this one i got up at like 5 30 i went outside i put some coffee on i went outside smoke some pot i went and i just started writing thoughts yeah and i think when i write those thoughts and then

i write out my thoughts for the day in a different notebook in the morning and then usually after breakfast i put a couple entries into like a chapter in a book yeah just write it even if i redo a sentence and put three sentences i'm good because i exercise that muscle that's the thing you know so now if i go on stage that exercise i did in the afternoon with that performance at the comedy store with the pressure and who you have to follow it just it makes you a better fucking come absolutely i really believe that i really believe that since i've been back at the comedy store i've grown as a comic i've grown as a comic when i go to the gym it's amazing how much goes into being a good comic and a mediocre comic and i know now because i see how easy it is now in years

ago i didn't do any of these things right i didn't go for a walk you know lately i've been walking to the weed store yeah four or five blocks who gives a fuck right i'm gonna get in the car and lose my parking spot i walk and it's nice yeah you know i go to the gym i i do ten different things don't you find it like a bunch of ideas popping to your head when you're walking or running or exercising like just beautiful ideas that's why i do what i do yeah that's why i go to the fucking gym and i have my agent gave me a little pad that i carry now and i go to the gym sometimes and i have it with me so i can just write even if it's one word to remind me of that yeah i i put i put ideas into this phone all day long on my voice recorder first thing i do in the morning

bust it out well i make notes in there but if i'm in the gym i don't bring the phone in yeah of course i don't want the phone to ring because when you're on the elliptical or you're lifting and you're walking to get water and you listen to music and the music's playing in your head yeah and you start taking it breaks you down it makes you i always believe when you work out early like 12 yeah 11 it makes you that much better i used to go in the pool at six yeah that makes you sharper than the pool is the shit i'm getting back into the pool i'm getting in the car you jump in the fucking pool at six in the morning by your mind is fucking just machine gunning thoughts i just went for two hours a day as a kid and like that was like crazy discipline and and i uh

i'm getting a car on wednesday i'm gonna start going to the pool again every day it's just fucking it wears you down it gets rid of all your stress and just that discipline of it all man i can't wait waterproof earphones oh they have those now yeah they got some waterproof earphones or something right have you seen them somebody i haven't but they probably do wouldn't surprise me look that up look at that i can't type that right now look that's not gonna happen our tech guy's always stoned look at the fucking shampoo you're lucky i love you like that what am i gonna do with you i have no idea you look good though god bless you look beautiful you're for your burger and the shit you gain any weight over the weekend

no we maintained thank god we had to go to the gym both days yeah all three days look at you so you go to the gym every day basically i usually take one day off week i try to but sometimes i don't which is which what are you in the water doing this weekend i don't know but next weekend it's light this weekend that's it that's it you're out of fucking loot between san diego and valentine between birth which it was christmas her birthday was like january 29th and then valentine's day it's like you got taken for your lungs this year the three days in san diego no we split that we're she's really good but get the fuck that she don't even work split that you go for fucking everything you come back on something as your bunny rabbit is

in shit i pay i pay for the food usually but even that she'll she's really cool you're really lucky you're really lucky you're a good fucking band no fucking suck i used to pay for everything i almost broke up with a girl because of it one time yeah she just never ever said thank you i just grew up in a situation where i said thank you for everything everything right and i i actually don't know what to do and i'm not my mom's not mad at paula but my mom sent paula a birthday a birthday card a little gift in it and paul didn't write her back and from i used to i remember when we used to go buy suits my mom will make us write thank you notes to the salesman and i wrote thank you notes i wrote i won't think you know it's basically up until i moved here because i

sent a couple and never heard back for any so i got discouraged but paul grew up in england her mom doesn't always even get her gifts and she just doesn't it's not that she's being rude but i don't know if i should say hey my mom i would appreciate a thank you card did you call him how about a fucking call what's a card what's with the card well call me go to yeah so it's over now because now your mom has a leg to stand on lea this is the things you have to say to her on january she loves paula but yeah but not until you don't fucking call me back and say something nice did you put a check in there from paula a little gift card yeah okay then what the fuck man yeah you know you gotta have a little fucking cool too you gotta say lea hey my mom call her back or call your mom

and put her on that's your job you know she don't fucking know you gotta educate her you know she's an attorney she better fucking start writing thank you cards and cards for everything this is just common sense the reason why people didn't answer is because between you and i nobody does that no more right i do it for everything well i went to prison when i got it i wrote the judge for fucking ten years i wrote the fucking judge okay and to let him know my progress so his his efforts didn't feel like they were in vain right you know when i walk into an audition whether i eat shit or not i don't even i don't even erase the audition from the computer because i have his address that's how i erase it i'm only allowed to erase it so when i get back from the audition

i look at my wife and i'll be right back i go right into the room i don't give a fuck what's going on i fill out the thank you card and i put on the mantle so it goes out the next day so there's no misunderstanding i don't do it later as i walk up the stairs i'm thinking about you know this is something that it's a natural related you know and this is our problem as human beings we blame everything well she's from fucking compton who gives a fuck what she's from i don't give a fuck she's from mars these are the things you have to know or you have to say something like yeah so your mom can't be mad at paula she's type of confused nobody's fucking sent there a fucking card with an envelope of money so she in her mind she doesn't know where it's coming from like where what do i do next

so i sympathize with takes a you to go call my mother and thank her for the fucking car please and yeah it's really it's gonna have to fucking i don't know what to say you know what to say you're an attorney what do you do when you go to court what do you tell the fucking guy i don't know what the thing no you know what to say thank you i enjoyed it i bought a nice pair of shoes for fucking school yeah that's that's i bought some manners nobody has ever i think that i think no no no lee you have to do this because there's people that go right listen man three years ago i grew up with this family that was a class family when i grew up i mean they were like the hierarchy of the town yeah very classy town nice people when you walk to the house they offered you a glass of

water i don't know how many meals i had there i'll do anything for them right they called me about two years ago lean those and they said my nephew's out there can you show him a good time i did one better i got him a hotel room did i pay two days out of my pocket for him because i didn't want him in the house with the cats and the baby yeah you know when you're 21 you don't know about babies sure about babies right i feel you you know what i'm saying but uh i i i never saw anything like that after two days and i wanted him to stay four days he's from my hometown yeah not one thank you to my wife oof listen i don't give a fuck what matters you got towards me i feel you yeah i'm nobody to tell a 21 year old what to do right oh my wife hands you a bowl of food you don't even look at her

we got a problem finally the second day i pulled them inside they'll do me a favor when my wife gives you something say thank you right he looked at me like i was from another time between you and i i don't think he knew i think well he must not have i think his mother loved him so much i never corrected that for sure you know what with me i don't have time come here for a second i'm gonna say fucking thank you yeah the fuck is wrong with you yeah i'm gonna say thank you or that a lot of times i judged nine out of ten comics when i was in braya i could have gave it kind of like ten dollars a second done i chopped that thing up three ways to be sure we got the same thing the next day when i wake up on my facebook or my email better be a fucking thank

well that better be a call of nine on one saying thank you if there isn't any mad at you yeah but i know i think i actually did call you about that i know i know and you gotta know i usually don't even call but like that was so cool i did people this is something that you do uh i was down some day a day when people call you up and i have a job for you you have to audition i've heard comics go fuck Matt Fultron he's making me audition dog if lisa act call me and he got me on audition yeah even if i didn't get it he thought of me exactly he put his word up for me right he went to a casting director say hey man your party ain't gonna stop unless you get joey and you know what i'm looking for a penguin looking guy perfect whatever get him in here you don't know what you're

fucking looking for it's uh and i'm not i'm not putting you down lee when i'm putting your girl for no i'm putting you down this is like when i told you that you're killing yourself the whole time because you won't say nothing this is like having a child that does what he wants and you don't say no we're not going to a fucking museum for that you know you hey listen we're not doing this today listen we went out to this place now i got to drive the anime to a concert i don't even know these fucking people why am i doing this i don't listen to these people why am i doing this and somebody will go you're right this isn't about you right or wrong i don't give a fuck if i go to terrier you want to do something no it's not for her yeah this is why i've always been a big advocate

for earphones when i got my black sabaton you're not gonna hear it but when you have that jump in june music on i don't want to hear it either so make sure you got your earphones on yeah now you're in a pickle because now it's been two weeks and she got the card yeah so now so tomorrow it's not too late no it's not too late but thankfully my mom's card got delayed and she got really bad about it so so she what my mom's card got delayed so she felt really bad about it so i think i got a couple weeks to save it i'll just tell her tomorrow tell her then when you see her go you gotta call not not like this and i think no not like what i just told you with the ticket assume the clothes you don't assume the clothes means hand her the phone yeah you have to call my mother here call my

mother right what are you talking about call my mother thank her for the card we're not savages here this show look at your you know and tell her that we're not fucking savages here we're not savages bro we're human beings you got a fucking call you got a call and say thank you that's that goes so much oh because and i'll tell you when it goes long when you go shopping when you shop for a house or when you shop for a car that's what's going to make the difference not the guy that calls you says hey lee come on down i got the manager to do a deal it's gotta goes lee i'm not calling you i just want you to know i want you to make sure you got all the information you're looking for to make this decision do you have the pamphlet yes i do thank

you thank you for coming in guess what as soon as i'm clicking that phone i'm looking the envelope with a snake you know i'm walking up to the corner and delivering it so when he gets home from work tomorrow joey deez is on his fucking mind again tomorrow that's what this whole you know that we're missing because everybody's on the computer nobody's around to tell nobody wants to tell your kids anymore how to fucking act like nobody really wants to i see it i see it when i go to you know i see how kids behave kids put in the parents sit down the text thing i want to fucking end this yeah i want to end the smartphone i want to end the smartphone because it's making us dumber we are missing life yeah we are missing pieces of life go anywhere now i i went to uh the mall

with the baby yes i got to play for more so i went to the mall with the baby the wife is valentine's and the baby runs around this thing there my wife gets chipotle at the mall yeah and i got the protein smoothie to slim down and i make the best of it you know i'm saying sometimes we get the pizza joe's right it's a quick thing there's always parking right up front because it's sunday nobody goes early i usually go early like 9 30 turn what's i talking about we'll talk about correspondence smartphones i know you made fun of the of the museum but we went there and it was like some really cool south american stuff seeing the stuff that was from like 700 ad that people have made with rocks and tools dwarfed anything i could ever make yeah but how

good was instagram back then fucking terrible did you take one of those tools to stab yourself in the fucking eyeball no but i'm i think you should have fucking done what point does it fuck who gives a fuck at the end of the week how does it affect your fucking wife when you go to fucking shop when you come here to make deals how does it affect your life seeing two spoons from south america that's great that's fucking great that's not my point what's your point that people back then without the smartphones and stuff could do all this amazing stuff that's right yeah that's right because we're stuck in this fucking dumb phone right anyway you go people are missing life you know somebody asked me this week you don't tweet all day why would i want to

do that i'm missing life i don't give a fuck i'm reporting life to you i've stopped your fucking life i'll stop tweeting i've gotten to i i tweaked the morning i tweaked the morning sometimes at night to talk about the podcast get people going on sunday night time the week is over because a lot of people wake up monday i'm hungover no you shouldn't have been hungover it's fucking you know i see all these people cry but they cry everybody's crying i don't get it how the fuck are you what happened to sunday night yeah what happened to sunday night well you didn't prepare you have a week in front of you have to prepare on sunday for a fucking week trust me i used to go out to the store and do blow then i wake up on mondays and one of my life

was in shambles right because i'm prepared for the week absolutely there was no preparation for fucking monday yeah these are all little things that you uh you got to do you got to get your shit together this is why in today's society you don't send your kid to college you're right about that the first year they've been so uh socially robbed they're so socially robbed of the social what's really going on you know do you think if you didn't have a mom or a dad you were working for eight bucks an hour do you think you'd be at that fucking museum no i don't fucking think so i gotta i got other problems so it's the it's the week like i just said wasted fucking time yeah no it's four years of fucking time of like prime time just gone and this is what i'm looking at now

as a 52 year old i'm trying to pass on to lee and pass on to other people there's so many things that you think are so important when you're 26 at the end of the day that don't fucking matter when you when they're fucking fucking you in the ass evicting you from your house what are you gonna tell them i want to see what these people are doing in the 700 ad in columbia do you get it you can't deposit that in the at we have our minds somewhere else but then we don't we get pissed off when things aren't going our way like man i want more well you're dicking around this is what's going on this is right this is what goes on all over the fucking place i did it for 15 years i said i told you guys i wanted a headline but you don't want to go out and feature for free

do you know what i'm saying i had all these expectations but i didn't do want to do what was in front of me what was necessary to do what's in front of me my old partner in crime you know the podcast is what's in front of you cut the thing and put it up no well i have to go to this place and do an interview who gives a fucking about your interview the podcast needs to go up that's what's in front of you you're avoiding it i fucking hate going to get to dark because i know i'm just gonna get beat up and so but i go in there anyway because i know eventually i'm gonna get better yeah throw out one day my mind's in the click and go you're not gonna get beat up no more you're gonna start sleeping motherfuckers and that's absolutely right this is it this is what we do

people so stop your fucking crying life ain't going how you want it to fucking go do something about it close the gaps close the fucking gaps i get all these emails that life ain't going how you're supposed to go and that you're lucky no there's no luck involved there's seven days a week 70 hours a fucking week yeah 70 hours a week you know when i first don't get me started a national anthem it's presence day you sack some motherfucking shit get up get up it's a beautiful day to be alive it may be a hundred inches turn that into a fucking snowball and eat it what the fuck is wrong with you at least you're getting snow the east coast stop your fucking crying you bad mother fuckers get up get the flag shovel get a heart attack your fuck what is this thing with governor

christy fucking telling people you can't knock on people's doors and shovel it's free right you gotta shovel you gotta make a fucking living cock suckers when you put this on for i'm too high for you we didn't even plan it for president's day i forgot it was president's day i forgot it was fucking president's because we're too busy working we don't take days off it's a fuck give a fuck that's the god damn truth because that's church when i was a kid on this day i go to hollum glow trials every fucking year yeah my mother would take me to the house that's fucking awesome this is it the monday after because it would be my birthday the next weekend yeah my role i don't fuck around lisa and you don't what do you got tomorrow how you feeling my brother i'm

fucked up i got fluid in my ear from my shower i gotta put a cute little man after i take a shower and i fucking forget and the fucking fluid just sits there like i know that's gross oh i hate like i'm gonna get that vertigo all over again what are you got going on what dates i want you to come back before you suit the special i will so we give you all the support you yeah yeah i'm calling you i think the best of your funny i love you joey i love you thank you fucking cracked me up the pieces thanks man i didn't put up put up my podcast today how you gonna grow up to be big control of your podcast i put up my podcast how's it doing congratulations i haven't looked up the numbers yet i wrote a blog and then i put up a podcast which matt did a while ago i went about

to put up congratulations brother i'm proud yeah thanks i was it's uh that's how you keep from waiting at denny's it was it was just uh it's it's a it's a lot to commit to and it's a lot i had a vision for what i wanted to do i'm not a vision i just had a i i've learned a lot from working on a bunch of different podcasts and i thought there was a way to do something and i saw and i just didn't want it to not do well oh who cares so i've been i've been putting it off and putting it off but i put it up today just put it out and it grows so it grows over the years yeah like i told him i said listen you'll never know until you put it up and if it's not good the beginning you just keep tweaking it you get it better better better and you tweak it and that's

what this whole podcast thing is about yeah we weren't doing good for a long fucking time but we stuck it out at six in the morning yeah and we made our fucking point you know and that's uh that's part of this whole fucking thing that's beautiful man congratulations dude yeah it really is awesome doing a blog is tough too no but i'm doing two a month oh no i'm doing slow down no i'm doing two podcasts i'm not doing a podcast every week you're doing a blog two blogs a month and then two podcast month dude and i slow down you're gonna kill yourself i know it's too much um but joey called me this morning and told me to write a blog to put it out and i had started one like four or five days ago but i just couldn't

it's hard to know what to say like it's it's hard to put your point across without sounding weird or you do your best this thing it's a blog you're not working for anybody there's no real consequences to not doing a perfect vlog i miss your blog i know you're i know it's busy it's your world it's your world whatever you write the blog on a weekly level it's your fucking world exactly it's more it's better the idea is that it comes out not that it's perfect i know it comes out all the time listen man if you want to do something at home a blog a podcast look at pat shea does a podcast people are doing all type of things you know what who gives a fuck if three people listen just be the best podcast you can for those three people

yeah that's it who gives a fuck about high tool ratings you're getting your voice out there you're getting your life out there you're putting your heart out there if you really put your heart out there people feel it they feel it if you're faking the funk listen you're we're all not going to be fucking great podcasters we're all going to think it's radio at first but like we said 10 years you find your voice yeah you know leaves finding his voice on a podcast it only evolves man but it's better than not doing anything who gives a fuck you listen who's interesting it's really interesting so much better than not doing anything yeah it's like leaps and bounds ahead of i know people come up to me and they tell me a silent i'm not an interesting

person what do you mean you're not interesting you do something that's very interesting you just don't sell it you think you look down on what you do right you know i think somebody who fixes a car is interesting why because i can't fucking do it yeah i can't do it i can't change the flat i mean i can change one right takes me two and a half hours yeah by that time the fucking guy comes on the truck yeah five and helps you from the state yeah you didn't even call him you look like shit out there i gotta stop and help you they really do have a great service here in la but please people you have something you want to put out there it's free yeah blogger.com free i don't give a fuck if every week on monday you just put out it's gonna be a great week these are the things i'm gonna do

and blog and i guarantee people will start reacting to you going you know what i need to do that i don't i don't want to do that though i got a bunch of good comments on it it was cool yeah lee trust me because people people already like you man who gives a fuck what you write or you know i love it when you write a blog that's heartfelt and you spell a word wrong and there's ten of you you spell whatever really this is what you got out of it this is why you're on the computer ten hours exactly you're a fucking loser because this is what you look for as a fault when instead of looking for somebody's beauty in their fucking blog yeah well somebody's beauty in their dish they brought up from columbia on a fucking saturday for lee to go down and look at you lucky i love

you cocksucker if not you'd be on the 170 with a fucking plank rolling on your head right now out there with three hookers i got dead out there right next to him got a group of people dead out three or four fucking people that got confused out there by the 170 by sherman way and he gets some editing to do on top of it all every time i go out there's a hand sticking out you see the hand with the skin going away i remember her remember that bitch thought she was fucking cute speaking of cute iron dragon tv the best classic martial arts films at your fucking fingertips you understand iron dragon tv has the best in classic martial arts series from the yet man series to fucking haul the early jackie's chan listen i know a lot of people are

into these type of films if this is what you're into this is the roku channel for you iron dragon tv say the code word joey oh shit we'll type it in and get two free motherfucking movies to start off okay they add movies every day they're adding the 4k technology pretty soon we're gonna be doing a roku channel on there on their network so please support iron dragon tv go there right now even if you don't get the two movies let's see what they got get your dick hard for the weekend again what are you impressed brother you press joey joey and you get two free fucking films the movies are so good they'll make your dick hard don't make your dick hard number two for optimum optimization i was just there this weekend i'll tell you man

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put the wax into the fucking torch with it they got torches they got fucking everything go to nailed it life.com get one of those motherfucking vapor pens get 20% off what are they pressing the box it's your idea oh shit oh shit and i guarantee if you're into dabbing and seeing the devil and blow torches and blowing shit up you're on love nailed it life.com right now go there right now iron dragon nailed your life on it.com and hit e6 motherfuckers that's how we do it here boom how you feeling brother you're gonna finish this cookie no god you're crazy we're gonna you're you're whittling away man you better eat that cookie you wanna smoke some more weed but he wouldn't i'm cool though he wants to go to bed we ain't going to bed we gotta put that condition on

it's hot in the fucking air it is i'm cold oh my god look at me i'm sweating up a storm i ate one too many animals and my estrogen's coming on me everything is gonna chill in here are you kelly willie i'm fine how many pieces of that cookie have you eaten oh barely any of it but i'm high as shit really oh yeah i see every like i got i got no tolerance man i see every 15 minutes listen i'm easing into it joe i i can't be like look at this poor bastard look how high he is oh he looks great look i've never seen anyone so happy this poor bastard say that you ate how many milligrams today 40 no more than that 40 that's not true 25 15 listen five for the cookie 160 tops tops i only think there's one level these stars i think we're all

125 i don't know i don't believe the hype you're as tough as fucking nails even if they're 125 again i knew it that's full time what's your next date tell me yo uh i think we're gonna be up in ventura with tom segura march 11th so that'll be a fun show march 11th and ventura county comedy club yeah yeah something right huh is it like ventura harbour comedy club or something like that yeah okay there you go i know shit i see stuff happen indianapolis you bad motherfuckers i'm coming to you motherfuckers next week oh oh oh oh shit what's the name of the club in india crackers crackers like a motherfucker is that it february 26 to the 28th don't fucking miss it be there that's right or be square but be square i love you guys i want to thank my fool trying to get you i want to

thank you guys in the bottom of my heart for watching listening having a good time least i have for being a soldier as usual getting high with us yeah podcast is called flying to radio yeah go down on the jew is definitely flying tonight and he's going to go on but do push-ups push-ups yeah i'm trying to think of the menu i could concoct right now there ain't no fucking menus in your life cocksucker i love you guys thank you very much for coming on tonight and helping us out watching have a great fucking week we'll see you wednesday afternoon put it on it dot com we need to cover church to get 10 off all of their optimization products let me meet you guys go to iron dragon tv dot com he's covered joey get 20 to get two free rentals sorry of all the great martial arts films

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Oh, the fun to have, to live the dreams we've always had Oh, the fun to have, to live the dreams we've always had Oh, the streets that seem accused, devils in this hole Oh, the world to sail away, sadly long to call the day Oh, the tracks between, eyes inside have never seen again Oh, the world to sail away, sadly long to call the day Oh, the fun to have, to live the dreams we've always had Oh, the fun to have, to live the dreams we've always had

To the surface I'll Make Love Shackles of commitment fell, the pieces on the ground Wants to ride the wind, tread the end of the game Wants to laugh for now, dance tonight for the proud tune See the man who's pointing hand, the giant stubborn horse The night is falling and purring back, the germs are beat to stone If one bell should ring, a celebration for a game As fast a heart should be, as proud the heaven ever beats

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Oh, oh Oh, oh Oh, oh Oh, oh Oh, oh Oh, oh Wants to ride you alive, made an eternal surface glow Sparrowed way in the desert, a future time

Oh, oh Oh, the sweet refrain, soothe your calmness away I'll be your maid, sleeping out your eyes again Oh, oh Wandering, wandering, one place necessary The mighty arms of badness, all the heavens are badness All the heavens, by the end, by the end Oh, oh

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