Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #263 - Jimmy Shubert, Joey Diaz, and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: March 10, 2015

Jimmy Shubert, Comedian, seen on Last Comic Standing, Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio This podcast is brought to you by:  Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. Iron Dragon TV. A New Roku channel with all the best martial arts films. Use Code word joey for two free rentals. HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for a 20% discount Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by using code word joeydiaz. Music:  The Message - Grandmaster Flash I Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet Immigrant Song - Led Zeppelin Recorded on 03/09/2015

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Oh Shit Just when you thought it was safe motherfuckers the church of what's happening now monday the 9th of march The day the devil was fucked in the ass lit on fire And thrown into the same hole as obamas and fuck him that fucking cock suck us

What it's like a jungle sometimes it makes me wonder how I keep from going under if you didn't know that i'm reminding you It's like a jungle sometimes it makes me wonder how I keep from going under Oh, shit, it's the church of what's happened now jimmy two-shoes shuber in the house to find you What are you fucking mixing this leave go in under, huh? Oh, shit. It's like a jungle sometimes cut that cut that leave What's happening you bad motherfuckers monday march 6th the church of what's happening now Stay black or go fuck yourself. It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. How you guys doing today? What's the story with you? What's the story with me? There's no story. Stop looking at the board. I'm talking to you. What's happening?

How was your weekend? It was great. It was great. We uh, we didn't do much. It was uh Just paul and i we watched black house of cards, which is okay. Not as good as the first two seasons Then we just went to the gym and I started doing weights not much Just a little just to get your joints greased up. Right. Yeah, just just to do uh, just a Dumbbells and then I did one machine where you like lean back and then uh They had I don't know what it's called But it's the the bar that you put the weights on but they have weights already like permanently put on it Okay, and it was like 50 pounds. I did some curls and I called you this morning. We talked for like 15 minutes

It was really cool and it was just you know, you need to do you need to start doing some shrugs Where you hold the dumbbells in your hand and you shrug and that way when you're confused you'll look really massive like hey How do I I don't know how you get there? How do you look really massive when you're confused? It's a little workout No, it's good that you're doing this brother. I'm fucking happy that uh You're giving everything a try, you know, you could just do the elliptical so long before you lose your fucking Oh my god, and I still do it But it's uh, it's good to do sorry man. I'm dead and live first Okay, start lifting you lift first and then you do the

The cardio then you burn more glide glycogen or something There's a guy Jason who came to the shows in Minneapolis fucking guys like 50s huge Really? He looks like a million bucks and we're talking about dieting and he goes always do your cardio after the weight Because now you're gonna be burning the fat even fucking quick and then he goes and right when you get out of there That's when your body needs sugar because as soon as you walk in the gym if you eat a twinkie Nothing will happen to you. You won't gain an ounce your body burns the fucking sugar right away Right after the gym rodent was telling me that because when you do a protein shake after you work out

Put a tiny bit of sugar in it Everybody needs that sugar supposedly. Yeah. Yeah. I don't you know, I don't know much about this. There's a lot of rules like that There's a ton of rules. I just have no idea what they are. It's all that and it's all that I mean, you know, everybody can you just some kind of you want me to tell you what I saw on groupon If you go to valley village north hollywood, there's a plan that's $315 and lian will give it to you for $99. Well, there's nutrition And weights and everything one shot deal. Let me tell you something if you're not going on groupon Before you spend any dough like anything they have everything on there. That's why I got the

The fucking laser deal to burn my toenails off I got an hour. I got four hours of stretching where you want to see guy that stretches you out. Yeah. Yeah I'm telling you the best things everything because I'm not a flexible guy. Did you go? Yeah, the guy's amazing What is it here in studio? No, it's in beaverly hills beaverly hills just right over the hill But the guy works with you for an hour breaks a lot of stuff you get off an airplane you go in there and stretch for an hour I'm telling you man. It's great. And I'm day 10. No smokes, by the way. Congratulations, my brother You've been going back and forth with this no smoking for years and what people understand is For a guy like you after you get off stage you go back to your room

It's not even it's something if you could control it though Like if you didn't smoke in the daytime and just smoked after six Once you do a blast though, there ain't no bringing you. Yeah You smoke the fucking camel. I say that a little lyric in that bob bob singer song smoke the day's last cigarette Remember you said, you know, I used to smoke two packs of camels a day And after I pick up a gram of blow I'd stop at the 7-eleven on sunset Right there and I get two more packs of camels and I'd go home and smoke the fucking Two packs in two hours with a fucking gram of blow just chase cigarette after cigarette

My blood pressure had to be three fucking 50. Oh, I'm glad those those are over, right? It's amazing. We survived the bro. We're on the right side of the grass. What's the matter with you today? Nothing's the matter when when did he start smoking cigarettes? We never really talked about that before when I was 31 years old when I no no no even older I was 33. Yeah. Well, I just started off. It's about 20 when I moved to Los Angeles. Yeah to the county store That's that's the same time I started you just and I was a type of guy you could not get in the car I couldn't go in the car where you've you smoke I would get dizzy from the smell Yeah, my mom's the same way I had to overcome all that shit and that's why I did it

I was sick and tired of being I would I would quit jobs. I had to touch an asterisk Like when I was a bartender if I had to clean an asterisk, it's not gonna work out for you I didn't even like touching it that touch on my hands. I didn't like it at all Yeah, but you imagine you see that a straight and you fucking go that shit's going on inside of my lungs You go fuck. Oh my god. I mean that's what I went with those inside of my lungs look like and I have I've been on an office It's like, you know, but this time I'm off for good And I know like I quit for six or seven years and then I picked it up again doing a movie Yeah, and a crazy movie set you just get bored to pieces and you know, give me one of those

It's a good thing. That's just not addictive, huh? Yeah It's uh, but it's weird how I put them down like now it's going to be Three years in November for you. I remember I remember when you quit it was right when when she found out about mercy No, it was Thanksgiving I went to a kid's house and I didn't smoke all day and I went to this guy's house and I bought a pack of cigarettes at six o'clock at night Well, I left at eight o'clock. There was four cigarettes in there. Wow. No drugs Drinking sodas and just telling stories getting excited. You know, that's part of the patois when you sometimes when you start smoking like one thing I liked

was uh Smoking weed and then writing jokes while smoking the cigarette because you're almost on stage Okay, you're almost. Yeah, it's like it has a you're smoking a cigarette Timing like in your head. Yeah, I don't know but yeah interesting shit Well, I remember when we first started working together you were still smoking cigarettes And you oftentimes would have like two hits throw it away go walk somewhere Like you weren't smoking the entire patch. No, no, I don't it was it was interesting I don't like a cigarette after three quarters didn't throw that

Like those people that put it out and save it for later. I want to shoot those people They drive me fucking crazy It's just a fucking cigarette Just smoke the whole fucking thing and knock it off Take your puffs and then flick it. Are you smoke those american spirits? It took you fucking Two days to smoke one of those things and they really taste like ass. I don't there's nothing in it. Yeah, there's nothing Nah, you smell Winston. You smell Winston. That they fucking birds in 20 seconds Oh my god, a Winston, a camo light, a Marlboro light

Those fucking american spirits they say, you know, people get confused like how smoke american spirits and not get cancer You're still gonna get fucking cancer. Yeah, you're gonna get cancer. Well, you're on cigarettes No, no, that's too fucking barbaric That's just too fucking barbaric for me. You know when I was in bolder county jail That's what they give you they give you free tobacco when you could roll up joints And I wasn't smoking that and people were smoking. I'm like, this is crazy. Smoking out of filter I just went to the weed store. Now they have glass filters for your joints Which look pretty fucking cool. Well, I gotta tell you glass filters

I mean if you're gonna smoke any of that stuff as better smoking out of glass than metal, you know What does that do? I've never because I've I've seen people put like little paper filters at the end of joints I don't really know what that does. Did they even do anything? Well, it's just for people to be cool Like look at me. I put a filter and I'm sure you did These fucking momos, but now they have glass and it's it's holds good. You know, listen I'm so old school when you smoke pot just smoke like they did in Woodstock If you can't smoke like they did in Woodstock and joints, you're doing something fucking wrong Okay, somebody shows up with a pipe and some hash. I like all that stuff too

But they just get outlandish. It just gets out of control. It's like a fad They're always gonna be papers and there's always gonna be motherfuckers who just smoke with a paper But yeah, you know that the new Pepsi generation they want to be cool in the next guy Those Doug Benson dudes his friends. They ought to be cool in the next dude. I will tell you man Those vaporizer sticks that I mean I've with the wax and you know, that's pretty cool. You just hit that Oh, yeah, you know, all that stuff is great, but it doesn't replace that fucking joint There's nothing in the stand. You could get a fucking red when you can get a lid of the fucking Mexican brown Shit, you can roll 20 fucking joints that I sit on the front lawn in high school fucking a lot more for 20

Unload those fucking things, but it's uh, bro hand roll, bro. It's like the e-cigarette. You smoke the Marlboro red What's an easy you're gonna do for you? Yeah, I gotta do shit. I can't wait to have electronic cocaine. That's what I'm waiting on electronic cocaine you snort it and you electrocute yourself and you're gonna bet that's it That's it. I can't Every day I had a new electronic something wait electronic heroin electronic coke electronic

It's just around the corner. There's some fucking node right now in his basement Cutting up lines at coke looking for investors. He's got an idea. Oh, this is here's what happens You do it and you hide in the closet. You tear up your money. It's just a feeling You lie in the car you hide in the closet and now you can hold on to a light bulb and turn it on like fester That's what it is. You snort coke and you become electric like that's the fucking new thing. Wait electronic meth electronic fucking everything now What's up lisa? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Don't don't doesn't anybody just do anything No, nobody wants to know gonna be documented everything. I will say this though spring and speaking of that

I'm glad we didn't fucking grow up. Didn't have all the social media and shit around party Out of control Did you see that thing about the the kids in the frat singing that racist song? I heard something It's it's stupid. It's like and it happens all the time. There's all these videos out of People whenever they're gonna get in the fight like these high school kids They film it and they put it up on youtube and then they get in trouble I like I don't understand taping that horrible shit

You're doing and thinking it like when I was in high school The stuff people got in trouble for was putting pictures of you with beer up on facebook like idiots But now people are putting whole fights up on youtube. Do you know what I did? I love fuck all that shit I mean just even take I mean taking pictures of your food I mean just fucking who are you fucking it's a meal just fucking eat the thing You know You're not fucking any that's why you can't do nothing guys like I don't I couldn't imagine being 22 until Like half the fun

No, it's taken away because there's always little fucking cunt with a camera That's to take it out and tape shit put the fucking thing away I cursed whoever put a camera in a phone Every day of my life every day every time I see a fucking jerk off taking a picture I think whoever put the camera in a phone and I go I can't wait till they catch you getting your dick sucked By a black midget and you're gonna see the mistake you made you stupid motherfucker Because you didn't think right and now all these idiots are gonna take them out for everything and I'm happy For some things but some things that just let notice dude. I mean, I'm not even fucking kidding you, bro

I mean not a not any fucking pictures, but everybody jumps online. I got a fucking yelp I mean look just eat your mother fucking food and shut the fuck up. Nobody needs your yelp Like anybody's gonna read like listen, I wouldn't believe the fucking yelp If you fucking paid me I have three or four people Right that I know that when they come to me and they go dog come in for a second I went to this restaurant. Yeah, they just I know these people because they're the type of people that aren't Impressed by glam Yes, people who are impressed with the dude with the meal with the sprouts on top

I'm gonna pay 54 dollars for a piece of fish this fucking big To eat with a bunch of Gentiles so I could be seen now First of all the crew I hung out with always we were professionals in the lunch special Remember when you move your friends where we go hoys walk hoys walk Hoys walk I told them the best special in town. I hunt down the special Okay, forget all that glam and all that shit. That's the fucking jerk off all that shit Yelp all that shit. I won't fucking take listen the other night and I love you leader that But you don't you're done with me when it comes to movies. Do you know that's that that's chef movie

Yeah, John Favreau you didn't like that the what what happened the first 50 minutes. Let's break it down What happened the first 50 minutes? nothing Nothing showed him cooking. I don't want to see John Favreau cooking Hey, when you know, it was an all-star cast upfront five fucking stars in the first 50 minutes My wife finally got up and said wake me up or something good happens. I just put sons of anarchy and tapped out. Yeah, would they Look, it's a simple little fucking movie. You know, when did it start? What time did it start? When did it fucking come to life?

It's about his relationship with his kid and all that fucking shit. Listen, I want to see a relationship with a guy joining the boys guy I don't give a fuck about some fake fucking movie I got a fucking 72 inch fucking television with a fucking blu-ray dvd player. Do you show me some fucking blood? Yeah, I don't watch a guy. I don't tune in to watch a guy fucking cook That was Explosions 10 years ago set a statement at the improv that I left and I didn't agree with him and today if I see him I will shake his hand. He said that America

Would get fed mediocrity he's right and we're accepting it is great Dude, you know, and I told my wife today. We were talking this morning. I go, let me ask you something 30 years from now When fucking the exorcist comes on What would you rather watch the exorcist from 1973 one of the greatest years for movie ever 73 was the best year movie That was like a three-year or chef. Yeah, or chef. Yeah, you can't there's no there's no relevance in these movies Nothing's gonna make you go, but will john faver won eight academy awards a director of that Nothing's gonna make you go back to that film. Yeah, but you're right because I'll tell you something at some point I was going. I'm just glad this is a it's a little independent feature. Sometimes you go

Yeah, I mean he does the Iron Man movies so he could break off and did this I granted it would fell a little short on a couple characters, but I Enjoyed it just for the fact that I could I'll watch it again. I couldn't sit there for 50 minutes. See. I'm a fucking cook I like cooking too. I'm fucking 300 pounds. I like to eat. I'm the opposite of you. Fuck sucker They showed 10 scenes. Well, he's just cooking. It's not even his hand the grilled cheese I need to see you make a fucking grilled cheese for that fucking half a fag kid. I need that Come on Was the fucking the the chick from fucking the the family show would say watch the beginning of it. She looked great

What's her name? What's her? Sofia Vergara. Oh my god, bro. You know, I mean It was it's not The best movie like I told you to see kingsman. I'm I'm I didn't tell you I told you when it wasn't gonna be terrible So I'm assuming you saw it and you hated it. I didn't see nothing now. I've lost faith for another 10 years Oh, no, but chef. I don't know it was Of course, you can't compare it to To scarface or but my point is it's mediocrity and we're paying for them. We're leaving there going

That was okay, even though deep down inside. We want to go That fucking sucked. Well, dude. Well, that sucked and and and I've seen this since I was a kid I saw this but now I see it You know when I was a kid I hung out with our auto sour. I told you guys this and auto sour used to go to every concert And I'd be at the concert behind all the sound he was one of those kids I got the t-shirt and told you how good the concert was auto the sound sounded like shit Even the fucking people were running out of there, but auto was on time Nobody could come to you and really tell you the truth because they feel bad about spending the short 20

That's my point. Well, yeah, I mean Do you think the difference is that there's a lot more movies coming out now because I've thought about that for a while Yes, because there's three four new movies out every week every week and six of them Right six or seven of them and what comes out on dvd that you'll never see, you know And those are probably the better movies, right? And I think that's what it is. I think it's Yeah, then definitely it's not as good as the 70s, which was amazing. Yeah, but it it's the best of the work of what we got You're gonna tell me I had 10 people look me in the face and say birdman was the best movie they ever watched And I was in till the bird showed up and started talking

Then I got to go. That's it. That's it. Yeah, but there's no There's nothing to talk about What's the bird showed up? Me and my wife lived with each other like this is not good. Go get a fucking sausage You know, but but I talked to hollywood people like the first guy I know who the friend I ain't gonna say his name the first guy that called me and said that movie Is the greatest fucking movie. I've yet to talk to him since then. I know Somewhere in the conversation. I'm gonna go listen the next time you send me to a bum fucking movie

We're gonna have a big fucking problem Well, listen, I mean the first time you watch it. It does have this effect. I've watched it twice I've watched it twice. So the first time you see it The the the drums by themselves. I mean, I thought that was really unique is the and and and the way the camera was used With those shots those long shots. I'm going, you know, granted the bird shows up And fucking rules the movie But the movie is called birdman You should be expecting to see a bird at some point in the fucking movie

I thought he had like a pigeon Pigeons at the park or maybe had a fucking parakeet I don't want some life-sized birds showing up next to this fucking moron. I just paid 9 50 I got a babysitter being my wife out to have a good time. I need this activation You know why you pay 9 50 joe to get away from reality What else are you gonna say? Why no, no, no I I got away from reality when I eat one of those stars and I eat a piece of mushroom I don't need to watch a bad fucking movie to take me away from reality. It had elements

It had it had great elements and not enough to win an Oscar Uh, not not it wouldn't even survive. Did did you see a theory everything the kid that plays the uh, um Hawk hawker Stephen Hawkins. Have you seen that? I gotta go see that now two hours of a guy in a wheelchair That's what I want to go see. That's what I need I called Einstein. Yes, you know my friend Einstein has given me a fucking 30 million beaten about his friend Who got hit by a truck this guy's got the saddest life First he went to 9 11. He got blown up. He lost his job and they gave him 400. He lost the 9 11 He lost his job

Then they gave him 400 hours a week to live then he caught a pneumonia Then he caught pneumonia then they call chlamydia and then one day he was walking down the street He got hit by a car and he woke up and his leg got lost Then something else happened and his wife left him Jesus then the cat blew up and then meanwhile and i'm sitting down the dude gets pirated Diseased at the gobs and fucking diarrhea in the same week. That's it. It didn't end. I go Einstein. Give me the go fund me I'll drop 100 don't ever call me again because now I gotta go cut a chicken set off as a santeria guy No, I love that though, but the go fund me. That's the other thing every fucking time

I try to go off the fucking Information highway off ramp just a 20 year old the one to sell me his virtual bag of oranges Hey, it's the cooler with the blender in it. Stop fucking putting like common. I don't give those motherfuckers none I give him the finger I give him the fucking finger that's it and i'm a pussy. I give it to him as the light turns green I'll give him two more light turns right whatever but everybody wants you to go fund them now Go fund me. What did you got these are sneakers to play guns and roses songs while you jog? You know what go fuck yourself. I don't need this shit. Oh my god

It never ends. You know that fucking bill gates looking for seed buddy. You're a fucking, you know Douche bag. What's it getting doesn't I know why these young kids are joining isis? Because there's nothing I gotta deal with these fucking dummies all day Agents that don't know how to pitch you some fucking kid on gmail That wants to do I want to either go to Canada. How many times I gotta tell you I can't go to fucking Canada Now they won't let chris brownie. You know the chance of letting me and he just beat up brian I beat up 50 fucking people got felonies. They don't let me enter fucking whatever

I live a fucking crack hole on a wig on fire. They definitely got that on file some fucking way Well, they do now you're writing in yourself That's the entire podcast is you writing on yourself. How many people I went to my background check thing I've had about two million background checks podcast started Do you know that dude you've read warren peace get nothing sit out and read the background check That's right. I have one done when you do like fucking last comic standing. They send you the fucking thing It's like this big. It's like fucking 60 pages of shit. They looked into your life. They looked into every day really Oh, they got to you're going on fucking national television representing NBC. You are an employee. I mean they do a background check on you

That guy fucking told me I still owe milk money from second grade. I mean they fucking have everything They have a file this big when you do they send it to you after they go check it out. It's crazy Are you serious? Yeah, they want somebody sent me a questionnaire once for the biggest loser And I filled it out just as a goof and I sent it back. Oh my god Oh, but NBC still hires me for regular shit. It's that shit. They run you they want references and they fucking call too Well, no because it's not like for us because we're in show business. We get it. We're kind of embedded already But you know, some of these other people I fucking they were The two weeks ago, they were America's most wanted and now they're all fucking dancing with stars

Or whatever you got. So for those reality shows, they really do the thorough Now let's say you went on the last time extending and you had a really bad background like me They're not gonna hire. No, they would hire you but it would become part of the story Oh, I don't give a no. Yeah, you know, you know, you know, there's there are some stories of Someone doing corner like just terrible not terrible. Yeah, I think that's more reality shows You know, you've been doing they don't want you to be doing porn You know, like moonlight and as a porn star now all of a sudden you're on last comic fucking last middle act standing I think I feel that I went to do a Nickelodeon

Super ninjas and as I'm reading Right before I go to read They slipped me something I look at it's a background check. I'm like, I'm gonna do this after the audition I'll go in there. Fuck their world up and then give them this on the way out of the audition Right, so I went in that fuck their world up and I come on. I asked the lady. What do you want a background check? Because we caught one of our producers and that thing that show leave it remember that show uh to catch a predator Oh It was a guy from Nickelodeon got caught so Nickelodeon was in deep shit

So had to do a background check when I get in the background check. I said it was nice meeting you because I'll never see Sure enough. They gave me a recurring world three episodes with the background check And yeah, but they're looking for they're looking for fucking if you get caught in a park with a fucking whip Yeah, and a nazi helmet with a bag of candy, you know what I'm saying with little german boots to give the kids You know, they ain't looking for you if you saw the kilo That's that's fucking all you know, you know, you have to do a big deal for you know, tax leave nothing It's like that. It's like make sure you don't make sure you're not finger banging a it's like that seen an easy money Look at that kid. Look at the kid. Look at the way that man bounces that kid on his lap

That's love and all of a sudden the lady comes with a cop. Excuse me Excuse me. Is that your kid and he goes no, he just jumped on my lap and started bouncing up and down the cop goes Let me see some ID goes. It's in my rain jacket. That's a classic But it's not Rodney and Joe patchy talking It's over there. Nobody's ever done that before right they're in the conversation and all of a sudden you're here with the pervert Rodney's like look the way the kid look at the way the father bounces that kid on Up close to what's gonna cop comes with a lady and goes what happened? What's going on there? You know this kid he goes

I don't know this kid. He just came over and started jumping on my lap and the cop goes Let me see identification. He goes. It's in my other rain jacket. That's the joke and you see Rodney looking at fucking Joe patchy. Wow, that's great. So what's up with you? You're already seeing the devil cocksuck you to sit Yeah, you gave me 125 milligrams plus that's 25. No, it's not at least give me the credit when I get when I do it Those are the 25s. No, they're not. There's no there's no 25s. Maybe I talk to a guy I have a source now you talk to a guy who Who knows how many milligrams on these and then fucking no shit And then we had the the mushroom stuff, which is fun

He talked to the guy behind the guy behind the guy. There's always a guy. How was the last comic? Experience for you from had did they contact you and say come well, you know the thing is man. I just I was uh I just you know, it was like one of the three I had like a three a day thing at an audition for A tv show. I had a fucking radio interview in downtown. I had the swish swing back and I just thought well fucking I'll just do it. I was just like a busy day And I saw just a poppin do just for goof and they invited me to be part of it and I said, okay well

There's an opportunity to just see what kind of exposure you get from it and And you know, I'd always put David Tells comedy on the ground in the can so I knew and so I did that they invited me to 100 They invited me to be top 28. They invited me to top 10. I said fucking this is great I had a guy it was it was fun, man It was great And I just saw one the sites at the sushi joint by my house and she came up and she gave me a big hug I mean it was a success for them. They brought it back. I thought what they wanted to do is is kind of Kind of respected a little more this year. I thought they wanted to put the comedians display on process wasn't the

Comedians process on display. It wasn't stupid. I mean they kind of you know made you get there with then then it became real Housewives of last comic standing but still I mean I thought it was they did it better this year than they've done in previous years that was my And uh, it was good man. It was great to be part of it. There was a lot of a lot of guys Rocky LaPorte's been doing it forever DC Benny's been doing it forever. You have uh, Nicky Carr's been doing it for a long time Rodman's been doing it for a long time. You guys go. I guys like Lachlan Patterson of Monterey Martin You know and Ada Rodriguez. I mean, you know these people have been around for a while doing it, you know So it was it was nice that everybody everybody got a bump out of that and

And and everybody's out there, you know, we're where the before some guys are going on I got to go to fucking real estate school and these guys are now got a little second Second win. So it's good. So I think it's good for comedy I think it was good for stand-up comedy and I think like people's careers have their ups and downs I think stand-up comedy has its ups and downs and I think it's on an upswing now They just happened to premiere the same weekend that David tells comedy Underground premiere which was great. I love the way. I mean he had in those shows that were shot with go pros The audience holding go pros

I thought it boy had you talking about reinventing the wheel and reshooting the show I mean the episode show you watched and you felt like you were in the audience and David tell did one of the funniest dudes out there working I mean just he just kind of reinvented the wheel and he took charge of it and he edited all those episodes He said I was gonna let county central edit it. They they look at comedy the way Romanian orphanages looking children Comedy central there just no, but he he oversaw the editing and say I just get done and it looked great, man I mean, yeah, and he did the thing is I was talking to somebody else from

That had something going on with comedy central and they said that When the whole experience is over they were in shock how much they didn't know How much they ended up doing themselves if not nobody else would do it and I explained to them. I said There's so many people in this town that think that they depend so much on their managers and their agents And I was raised a different way that you have one shot. I give you in the old days I used to give you one shot Doug called one of brothers find out what's going on in that row. I'll call you in a half hour What's going on? Well, I called and left the message. You're done. You're done. That's it message

Message you're done You know before the computer thing came there was a time I had three agents once once we're getting left No, I know you were working bro. I was working. I had three agents on paper That did not know about each other and I would see and it taught me something as I was scamming It also taught me how they saw me So I would see how this guy would call me with a distinct different look And I knew that this guy and this guy had seen the same breakdown Yeah, but this guy saw something different and and I learned how different agents saw me

Yeah, and that was very interesting, but there's a guy I bumped into I swear to god at at uh at uh Marie T about a month ago His name is greg mail great guy the guy had been here 30 years Greg mail just greg mail. Yeah, he had a office inventory. He was a one-man show He started at icm in the 70s And like in 87 he says i'm done with icm and all these big agents

I'm gonna take 40 people. I'm gonna book theater and character actors I happened to bump into the guy at a gay gym christie miller Oh, yeah, gave me a free pass to gold when she was a manager at the gold and gower, right? Yeah, that's the gauge Nice people one on the way. I he started talking to me. I could tell he wasn't trying to hit on me He just asked me who's your agent you have a nice look to you And right away I was a little apprehensive and I met him up at his office And the guy turned out to be a great agent. I'll tell you how great of an agent he was

He took a sam weissman sam weissman was a big-time comedy director when we got here. He's done that But he directed the david spade films He saw a part for an extra In that movie he contacted the fucking guy and he goes wouldn't it be funny? If joey dears walked in there with a midget and five black guys, he sold it Guys, this is what i'm talking about. Yeah, he sold it, but he was gay and he used to go to palm springs Yeah, and in my world there's no vacations No, no, you know what i'm saying? I he would leave on friday and I come back till tuesday

Dude at down here all weekend do db but you're over a fire hydrant He bends and he's fucking ramen and whatever the fuck they eat, right? And he's down there jumping up and down and i call him Hey, fucking i fucking call him down Unlike a tuesday and i go out there jumping up and down. This is one layer This is ramen. I don't know if i'm fucking kidding you guys This is when the longest sharp breakdown came out and one of the agents i had called me he goes. Hey, man The longest year i came i go call him back

And he called him back and he he was the first person that goes he goes I don't think so they're not going to see you because they were looking for a star They either want tony serigusa a big pussy from the sopranos And i was like that's not good enough and i asked the gay agent greg mail A greg mail called down there and then i had somebody else I had somebody i greg it act me he was just a pilot i just sold him weed And he made certain calls me he was one of those dudes that all he did was set up casting director of workshops and different Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, and it's like fuck this shit out of 18 year old

Yeah, when i'd see him on tuesday He'd had fucking cam this is before the phone in the camera This guy actually went in with cameras took pictures and took them back to his hotel and said get naked suck my dick I'll get your job with who was the fucking guy from carter hogan What was the dude named from hogan's heroes bob crane? He had to fuck a bob crane started he had to bob crane started this guy was getting his dick suck All over the country i'm casting director workshop. So you fucking people see those casting director workshops Mind your business don't go to them. They put like 200 bucks and they have you read

Yeah, they tell you have a career in this shit and meanwhile you got nothing you gotta got you like panocchio and the guy go commercial The guy says to you you have a future and his nose grows So One of those honey boo boo can fucking Greg was worth us. Greg was worthless unless i got him a coke rock Or like eight ounces of weed which i pinched an ounce and put water in the bag Oh, i used to work this guy. I used to sell him the wettest weed in town. He always tell me how come this weed's drink Because i gotta make a living because like i would spray it with a spray bottle to make it way

Then he put in the trunk of the car and it would dry and he'd lose an ounce automatically. Who do you think you're dealing? That's an old fucking street thing So, okay, come on lean you want to run with jews lee or you want to run with these i'm pretty impressed That's a pretty nothing. That's nothing. That's back in the day That's back in the day you will buy an eighth for fucking 200 You go upstairs Do one throw three and a half grams of cut on it run it out. Get your original eighth back Forget about it. Oh my god. Two for the head. I beat America. I bought much better America

I sold the eight bottle i met i met one time from the from the fucking from the Welcome padre It's three and a half. I took like two grams out and drew like aspirin He kept calling me and i wouldn't take his call. He forgot about it He never said nothing to me paul redriga's gave me 251 and i caught him at the I caught paul at the el compadre This is after i got me paul right from the fucking house the end of the fucking garden right there right there I knew paul was a fucking dirty coke fiend and one and i bought him from el compadre after latino

Then he goes can you get some up here? I go, absolutely. I go. What do you want? He goes on? Eight ball. Go give me 300. I bought the eight ball and left Never gave it to him that motherfucker never said a word to me. Why did he bargain for it? Like why did you? You don't have any money. I didn't give a fuck. Yeah, he didn't remember bro. You don't remember I told him give me 300 for the eight ball He probably bought three eight balls on his own while he was there and forgot about it. Oh, yeah Fucking craziness lee fucking craziness

But what we thought the three agents so What happened was the lonely shot came out. I go. Greg had juice. I go. Greg called john The guy on venice boulevard cool casting cat John something I go call him up and get me in there And he calls me right back and he goes come come. I don't know if I could get you in there That's a strong office that night jim tell him comes to see me at the ice house. He goes you have an agent I got like three of them, but I could use a fourth I don't know jim kill him. I go can you get the office up there right above subway over there by the wig shop

Yeah, I go. Can you get me uh, can you get me into the longest shot? He goes well John papsadera Who's a cool motherfucker? I he cast me in three or four things. Let me tell you how much juice he's got I went to vegas one day. I was in nines and that motherfucker was sitting there with tony bennett just him and tony bennett That's then I went to the fucking a motorcycle convention in Milwaukee. Who's at my hotel? John fucked on whatever his name. That's how bad that casting guy is He's also casting that show now on showtime What's the show with all the stars in it with fucking the dude and he plays the hollywood fixer

What's even great donovan great donovan cast have you seen that show? Have you seen it a couple times? Yeah, it's okay It ain't onto. Yeah, it ain't the sopranos. Yeah, so uh It's half don't don't hold your hats when you negotiate with these desert people so So I talked to callum and callum's like I get you the movie part whatever Well sure enough they call you know they call to offer my movie to him out of all the agents I had calling there and all the people guess who they call to offer the movie to Stacey pocoluto. That's how stupid one brothers was

She's a publicist And somehow another they got stacey's name and they're like stacey I would like to offer joey d is a role in the longest run stacey's like what the fuck are you talking about Stacey called me and she goes they're looking for you. They want to cash it So I called jim kellum and I called The gay guy To see who would hit the mark first kellum got it first. He got the commission. I went I went up there fired the gay guy Fired him that afternoon. I gotta go. I got a big agent. I left him two weeks later

He's looking at variety and I get cast in the longest yard. He's fuming. He's calling everybody Really? Yeah, and he called me and I told him the truth. I said dog I had to let you go because you told me they were looking for a star So you're done. I am a fucking star How you gonna tell me you're looking for a star? I put the fucking thing down. I sent the tape myself and everybody wants a piece of the action. Nobody's getting nothing In my world. It's first man who dials It's first man who dials we and him we're gonna do something. I called this production lady on a monday at 10 o'clock

She didn't answer the phone. I ain't doing business with you I call you on a monday at 10 o'clock. You don't answer the phone. I ain't doing business with you How the fuck you're not gonna answer the phone at monday at 10 that you call me back like at 3 30 What'd you want? Nothing Nothing really? I don't deal with people on monday. You gotta answer the phone eight eight o'clock. I have to if you gotta be there at nine I call you at 8 30 just to see what type of heart you got if you answer follow Bro, you that yeah, listen. I need this and this and this me. Let's get this going. Yeah, that's the best time to call

Yeah, I don't fuck around. I got nothing. I just got there. Yeah, give him something to do. Yeah, come on now Why would you want to do business somebody who doesn't answer the fucking phone monday at 8 o'clock in the morning? I want your attention monday at 8 o'clock You you do call me at 8 o'clock almost every morning at 8 o'clock. Yeah I got no time to fuck around You don't drink you don't do blow And you know what I would you be up and two because you were playing games. I ain't got time for that shit You stepped up three fucking around. I'm gonna call you at eight. That's five hours when I was 26

That's left one hour when an eye open The fuck that's called a hollywood wake up call. Let's call hollywood. That's true. If you're young today. I was watching boiler room was on and it was the beginning when The guy from boston is giving the speech in the office And he said something that's true. He goes give me he walks and he and he tried to pull up What's his name? I was balling at the best speech ever To a salesman glenn gary glenn ross. Yeah, but the second is this kid this kid walks and he goes

I get the fuck up. You're sitting in my chair. Get up. Get out. That's how he opens up to me Then the other kid who's got a serious service license. I do get the fuck out. I don't we don't hire brokers We train them here and he goes this i'm gonna keep this nice and simple You're gonna be a million and three years Okay, now in the process I'm gonna give a fuck about your mother I'm gonna give a fuck about your family. I really don't I'm telling you gonna be a million and three fucking years. You're 21 You could fuck around at 21

or You could fucking get the fuck out. You want to take vacations go teach school You want to take vacations go teach school? We don't take vacations here. Don't ask We work 24 seven Sundays and saturdays double So you're not gonna do that get the fuck out, but you're gonna be a million and three years Because and or not you'll be a million and five years because with that work ethic at 20. Yeah, they can't stop you and that's what most Kids today don't not have it's a joke. It's twitter. It's facebook. It's fucking The fucking games with the whatever guys are out there too many distractions

Yeah, people are trying to write the great american tweet. Yeah, and there's too many fucking distractions people trying to shoot a fucking, you know And it's true at 21 you should want to fucking Make 10 million dollars. I don't understand go after when I was 21. I was either gonna steal it Or make it. I didn't know how I was gonna do it. But in the meantime I ain't gonna miss a meal if it's between me missing a meal or that wallet falling out of your pocket Guess what? I got a magnet in my hand. You got a magnet in your fucking pocket You know, I didn't know what you know, I don't understand the mentality But people come to you and that's what we've discussed this a million times everybody wants to go to heaven

But nobody wants to die You know, how many comments you talk to they'll call you up and say jay Jimmy it's just not happening for me, man. Well, do me a favor. Go down to the improv this week. I can't I'm going play golf Yeah, I can't talk to you. You know, it's funny, man. I can't talk. Yeah, I'll play golf I'll play golf when I'm fucking doing Sarasota. I'm out. I'm not on the road. I'm not gonna miss an audition I'm out there. Yeah, I'll play. I'm gonna play a little round of golf. You know, I'm Not even golf they tell you they go into their fault their sister's wedding. Yeah, give a fuck about your fucking sister You put 200 in both today. I got an invite to my niece's wedding. I love her. She's one of my favorite niece

But guess what she's gonna do some the envelope. Yeah, I'm in Minneapolis and cancel Minneapolis october 16th Little fucking wedding. First of all, that's college football season. So that dude's a pussy. You married the wrong fucking dude Nobody gets married on college saturday That's a big fucking mistake. You gotta you know, you don't you don't we've had this fucking discussion You gotta look at the count and say if you look at everybody's calendar Yeah, everybody's count. Who doesn't get married april may june may june july it's boring. There's no football There's no conflicts. You miss a baseball game. There's another one tomorrow You know I'm saying but college

Come on. You're not gonna fucking and I don't even like college football. I'm telling you. I wouldn't fucking go just on a principle That's how I fucking wrote cock suckers. What's tony better that? You're slipping tonight. You over there sitting half moped up It's a beautiful day to be alive cock suckers month March 9th You over there moped up You gotta put the video on the new tv There's no video. It's just

Like a whatever it's called Your hot slide show There was better than this I'm getting hit right now with those mushrooms. That's the better than this Those mushrooms are creeping while i'm sleeping me too and oh shit in the t8c store. Thank god I got a cookie for us leave away there. Oh, no, but put the music on who told you the fucking what what are you dj turned off put the fucking music You did turn off No, but sometimes like if I got drunk and then I tried to get high it wouldn't happen

And last time we did the mushrooms. We did the mushrooms first and I couldn't feel the star But we did the star first today and now the mushrooms are they're both kicking in I'm a street farmer sister I know how to mix and match and keep you alive. I gotta piss. We gotta we gotta there's no piss in during the show No, come on. I gotta fucking There's no piss in during the fucking show. Talks. Okay Oh my god, I'm loving it for that What's the story

Can I turn the music off? No, you can't turn the fucking music on. What's going on? You got sciatica? No, my dad does or didn't he's doing good You know, I don't fuck around this is why I got this head So what else leave I did a podcast last night like one in the morning I Was just I was super bored because of the time change Um, so I just I had a melted Green hornet in my drawer that you would get mad at me for not eating

So I pulled it out And I started talking to people on twitter and we did like a 45 minute podcast good for you brother See you had a good time. Nobody got that feeling sir. You look good. What are you losing down? You're down in 90 No, it's the 85 you started but I like I'm finally Getting to the point where there's like I'm back to the lowest. What are you eating? What are you eating over the weekend that you're not losing away with mama? It wasn't that it was My trip to florida than though it's valentine's day. It seemed like there was like from since november it's been um

Just like there's one excuse after another to cheat and it it's so and like I'm it's my fault but Since then I've been kind of just I I haven't gained which is cool But other than that I've been kind of staying the same mama's diet. She's doing great. She's almost at 80 pounds. Really? Yeah, she's beating you. No, I'm beating her still barely but I had more to lose than she did Fuck you up pretty soon. She's gonna just pass right by you see She goes you could give her that's how you fuck her up You got to give her a star and watch her eat ice cream then you could be that's how you have to do it

You have to be on top of the fucking thing. Well, you got an american ingenuity. You know what I'm saying She's applying to be like a district attorney. I don't think she wants to have she don't ever know Listen, but she takes the piss test. That's like two years from that That she could do heroin every night this year and still come back clean. All right, so don't worry about it Close that door jimmy too. She's before the cop fussed in here and think that we have mushrooms and shit It's uh I Fucked up that canis has been gone so long. I read the I reread the book the other day. Did you really I mean it's been 23 years, bro

23 years or 21. No 93 92 92 92 dude, that's I think about it all the time. I think about God that seemed like a lifetime ago. But boy was that fun You know And you know, the funny thing is is I I think back on his legacy, you know And you go, you know, like bill hicks is a guy who has become more famous posh muslin and and sam sam's kind of He was you know, dropped down a little bit. I don't think he left the you know I mean, he's a great comedian amazing comedian, but just didn't I don't think left him the big enough body work, you know

It's just 23 years. I'm just 23 years ago this this april it will be 23 years March 10 It's amazing that seven o'clock Yeah, I still remember You know going home and not being surprised like going, you know, like not going. Wow, like Well, you know, the thing is I'm just glad Because having tour with him and hung out with him and there's a friend of his I was glad that he didn't know D In a hotel room like fucking blue. She would like fucking two hookers and stuff like that

I mean at least at least the guy, you know, was protecting his wife and some guy was in the head on collision The other guy was at fault. He was protecting his wife. He lost his life, but his wife lived They lost the child. She was pregnant at the time. So you think about that and you go, man, that's just He just kind of rolls out of the car and the bow was there and just, you know, he goes, I don't want to go He goes, don't worry. You're not going to die and he realized he's not talked to him and he's looking past him I mean just Carl was there holding and he Cars are driving over these beer cans were in the back of the pickup truck They're now on the road and they're spraying all over the back of his head and he goes

I have those fucking memories of this like that the beer just spraying on my head and he just realized he goes he just He just expired in his arms, you know, and it was like, you know, those guys had a you know A friendship that started with start they were both there They started the same night and then it kind of ended, you know, I mean carl bow. I fucking love the debt but the guys, you know Got the shitty end of the stick and that deal, you know, there's a but but still one of the funniest dudes working One of the most physical comics out there. I've ever known, you know, it's just it just it was a crazy time You know, I think I was just young enough at the time to survive at all

I mean, there's there's dude who is I mean, I knock wood every day go man. I There's a freaking hundred nights. You could OD or whatever you're hanging with these guys I mean you're torn with this dude is one of most controversial comedians in America the time doing, you know If I can thirty five hundred people I'm doing the spectrum in Philadelphia I used to go out, you know the the flyers and the sixers playing you're doing 6300 people in your entire families in the audience and that day there was a fucking story in the newspaper There was an interview with you and you had these fucking great cool moments, you know So yeah, but and I want and not to mention the guy was a fucking brilliant comedian

I mean people if you go back and you watch this stuff it still stands up It's still impressive shit. I mean, you know, it's and that whole You know Hicks and him it kind of started together. So it was like I think maybe he took a beyond But even if you listen to Hicks's stuff, I mean Letterman did if we ran a Hicks set On the anniversary of his mom one, which I thought was really cool He doesn't know why we beat this guy goes. I thought it was great. There was nothing in there And he apologized to his mom that it was but you know that that that was that, you know, there's You know, if you read I just finished reading a great book called comedy from the edge by Richard Zoughlin

Have you read that book about but he just talks about I'll stand up comedy in 1970s changed America And he literally takes it from, you know, carlennie To carlin and prior who became counterculture got cons who influenced this whole generation who influenced that whole generation And influenced that generation and just how I mean because you think about it wasn't even a fucking real occupation at the time I mean there was guys doing vaudeville and then there was a guy's doing nightclubs and then Fucking 1980s you had the explosion of all these comedy clubs You could actually fucking make a living doing stand-up comedy before I don't think you could But it's it's a great read

But uh, yeah, you think I think about those guys like, you know, I can do Richard Jenny was one of those guys who would watch I thought just fucking pound for pound. It's one of the funniest dudes I mean as far as structurally joke structure and just fucking boom. I mean, you know, you kind of miss that a little bit You know, I mean guys who do it. Well, I'm gonna do that. I don't know. Maybe I told you this before but it's like I was doing a festival in Ireland my fucking mom and dad came over to Ireland My brother's my old man got to see me perform in Ireland and you know cross that off the fucking bucket list And coming back I'm sitting with fucking Dom and he goes, I'm so glad your family came over because I don't he goes I don't know

He goes, I would never be doing a show in Italy. I can fight my family So I was hoping that you would bring your family everybody came out They had dinner that night and Dom on the way back were we're waiting for the plane. He says I wonder if you're He goes, I wonder if your family realized how tough it was for you to do and I said, what do you mean? He's with Jimmy if they can play in the A comedy clubs, you're playing all the clubs Do you see everybody in he goes, you know, he goes, how many fucking guys you know to do that? I said No, because I'm serious. How many guys you know that are alive. They're doing it. They're doing it a high level

I said, shit, I could probably come up with 80 90 names. He goes, yeah together We probably have cross over but I bet you we come up with 125 130 names. Yeah He goes, you know, how many professional baseball players, you know I said, you know 20 25 man rosters 32 teams. It's like 750 guys. Yeah, give or take You know NHL's a little less NBA's a little less because it's still a pretty freaking elite group because it's a really you're making you live in as a Professional standard comedian. I had never thought about it in those fucking terms before I had never never even in my mind

They went, wow. Yeah, if you think about it, you're making you live into a stand-up comedy That's I mean, and if you're doing it in a fucking high level when you're doing all those clubs, that's fucking dude It's an elite group. I I didn't I didn't put that much thought into it But it really kind of woke me up a little bit was a I thought it was a great observation I feel right now at times. I'm living in a dream I am working at places that 10 years ago. I never dreamed of even contacting. Yeah I never dreamed of even walking into I'm talking to people that I never thought I heard about them and I never thought I would have to have the opportunity to meet those people

Every time I wake up. I'm so fucking thankful. Well, you put the work in joe. You put the work in I mean, it's like it's like just perseverance. I mean you've hung in there and an opportunity to present themself and I think you've taken really Taking those opportunities and taking them to the freaking end but never thought of it like this I never thought I'd be capable To put that people would come see me. I never thought of it in that term. I always thought of it as a yeah, I'll do comedy No, but dude, you're a fucking genuine. What's going on with you over there? Everything's a cop sucker. You're breathing No, I'm dying over there. Get it together. Yeah Oh, no, I've been trolling over the fucking lead to break him up. No, but it was it's it's cool

Like the past few weeks you've gone to a few places where You were excited but before you like I don't know how I'm gonna do here And then I call you Thursday night and you had like 200 seats sold. It's pretty crazy and the people are the coming out The people are the coming out I'm talking to the map the shows and I'm taking pictures and I'm feeling them. I'm feeling what they're saying I can't fucking believe it. Let me tell you something. I live in a dream like I live in a dream every day I go this is gonna pop Yeah, I know exactly because I'm going through it right now

Just because the last comic stand that you're doing a thing now and the last couple times I've hit I'm probably like the last six weeks on Saturday night sold out shows hit bonuses Fucking people come up and just hanging out taking pictures and meeting your people But you know what the thing is guys like larry cable guy I don't even care what you think about but I know the dude's work I knew him before larry cable guy and dan whitney is one of those guys stand there and shake every hand talk to people That's so you build your fan base. I mean, I never understand a guy who doesn't come out and meet these fucking people The kid just paid fucking 25 bucks to come see him go out and hang out shake their hand

I mean, you know, it's weird, but I'll tell you it's it's been happening. I'm going through the same thing now But it's awesome. I mean you go, you know, you know, how hard and how long you work to get there You did not take that for granted. Oh, it's very special. Yeah it's something that I'm grateful when I see people who aren't grateful and act like jerks and I hear stories about them on stage I get fucking pissed It makes me because we're so fortunate we fly every week I know people who don't fucking fly at all who if you're telling me they're gonna get on the plane

They think like it's fucking great. I take flying for granted. I know the airports I know the food at different airports. I get excited if I'm flying out of Newark I always try to get those crab cakes out of united the best in the country five places to the top five You get two crab cakes with two fucking eggs, 20 sides up with two pieces of wheat toast Before you get on that 5 a.m. Flight push you right into nappy new newville by the time you get the fucking la it's nine o'clock Dude, I was just in asia. Check this out. Oh my god. I think that's fucking crap. Dude. I'm just in asia I was in five. I flew to hong kong had a nice night. You did the same rooms arie did Yeah, I remember when I got arie in there. I always said hey, I want to go over there and check it out

I miss bill burb. I do that bill burbs over in uh, fricking singapore hong kong. I'm in shanghai I'm just crossing over him. He went to mobai after that He did like a tour right through there But I mean you go out there and there's these expats these americans australians english english speaking Audiences that just love american stand-up comedy and they bring you over you get to stay in I'm telling you the the best hotels I've ever been in the hospitality is first class they take care of you make You got enough to yeah, you want to go out everybody taking care You don't have to speak the language although it's nice to know a few long few lines like niche, you know

If I got my how much for a hand job uh, no Just not the way get yourself a run a massage joint. No, I'm just kidding But it's uh, but it's cool man. The food is fucking amazing It's just expanding on I get to go people save up their whole lives For a trip just to go to beijing where the air quality is so ridiculously bad But I've been there and went to the forbidden city don't ever go there And I know why it's forbidden. They didn't have a starbucks in there, but I'm just saying why would you go? Dude, you don't realize how many asian people there are dude. It's 1.7. It's a 1.7 billion

I mean the 0.7 is more than we have in our entire country. It's like fricking it's like For every chinese guy there's nine chinese guys. I'm saying it's it's ridiculous But it but it's cool. I mean I get to have that trip and I've done it a couple times now, but Yeah, you go shit man. This is what's better than this, you know I mean going to israel. I went to israel, dude We did some shows for the kopey mandel foundation. I mean Yeah, I got to travel every week anyway, but I mean those trips are just for me. I want to go see some shit, you know

Yeah, and you it's uh, it's hard to describe Me in 1994 in a one bedroom rocky apartment That's what my friends used to call my apartment Rocky apartment. I lived in north boulder. I paid 400 a month There was a little kitchen when you walked in that I never let the fucking stove one time in three years No ones the refrigerator never had a stitch of food in it Just fat tire beer and water for the next morning recovery And a little gatorade from time to time the gas station was down the corner at no phone

No phone ever in that place. You want to call me or to call the gas station? All right This is no shit. That's what you could live off the grill. How would you find out you got a call? I didn't care I didn't care They would take messages at the gas station and I would pay you back from the payphone with a calling card This is how fucked up my life. Well, if I wanted to call you if you lived around the corner I had to walk to the gas station to call you it was fucking people would pick me up at the gas station

I would tell people pick me up at the gas. I lived across from north boulder Recreation center. Yeah, bro that shit builds character by the way. You walked in I had a little tub shower stand-up shower with a sliding door A toilet and there was a wall that had a little hole in it and I used to throw my empty bindles in there One night I could have sworn I left coconut bin. I ripped the wall down There was a million fucking bendels behind there and whatever with coke all of them had mold on them for me Look at them. Ah Jesus. I was closing them. Everyone had green in them. I had to put the wall back up The landlord kept coming now to sit and I'm go you can't go in the bathroom Why not because I I wouldn't let them in because I ripped the wall down now

It was fucking my bedroom was beautiful. I had a beautiful window beautiful bedroom But it was connected the bed the bed I had took everything up So basically the door didn't open or shut you just fell in I didn't have that room before I didn't have a bureau before This was the apartment and it was clean. No mice beautiful. It was just a rocky apartment. I had a bench For a dining room table. That's all you needed. I had a sony trinitron from the old days and I was getting them shipped out I kept one and I had a fucking couch from medieval times that somebody left on the pop out porch And I doped it up Puerto Rican the left steam cleaned it upstairs and it was brand new for the sitting

And you would sit there and you sleep on your side You know if I could just walk one shot and they realized that I wasn't a ham and egg And the guy from the neighborhood made it good, you know I used to go there and get poked up. They had a little window in the middle of the room I used to hide from that little window So I turned the light in the bathroom off and just hiding the fucking mattress. It was just horrid But I loved the place. It was clean. But I used to go back there at nights after I do comedy And I would read just for last remember the newspaper that John Fox used to put out of the san francisco

Yeah, yeah, and in the back there was a comedy club guide And I would circle the clubs I was going to perform at Igby's and the comedy store And just a houston laugh stop because that was all there in 91 93 Yeah, I was just in your old stomach grounds. I was up there in Tacoma. I was up there doing that The Tacoma comedy club. So what's in Tacoma? It's a great club. It's a family run operation. But I'm telling you it used to be the underground and they bought it No, no, no, no, this is a brand new room. This is a great room. This is a blue collar audience that comes in there They're a frickin amount. I was just in Tacoma dude. I'm telling you the coma comedy club for my money

I mean they got the day, you know, they got those high end places up in belview and you know in seattle The room the velvety room the parlor as well as create a power. It was nice. I've done those rooms But I'm telling you man. I tap into that audience in the coma working class blue collar people want to come there They want to laugh and you come out and you come out and swing and bing bing punchline dick joke They're on board everybody's going to I mean it was great. So you're working every week now again. Oh, yeah, man Yeah, I mean not you know, you know, I try to hang out. I try to you know, audition when I'm in town But you know, I'm I'm still running running that high from last comic I have not stopped fucking working so they came out that show which is the great thing

Believe me and it's great and I'm and I'm working on a new hour for netflix I'm developing that and putting that together we're taping that like the third week in august Putting all that stuff together. I'm coming out with a brand new brand new fucking hour And that's what I've been working on Jimmy sugar. Where's the crazy ex-girlfriend the white one that lived in florida That was a bro signed with three yards before she left Where is she? She's she's in st. Augustine with her parents, you know, her parents are getting older dad just went with them Some stuff. So she kind of moved back to be with her parents and

You know, I I guess I guess she's happy. I don't really kind of you know getting involved I mean, there's a reason they're an ex-girlfriend, you know, I'm saying brother You're gonna see when was the last time you spoke to me. You call it once a year you talk to me You know, I mean a couple years ago. It's just I kind of moved on, you know, I moved on It's like, you know, and I really did I'm Listen, I'm surprised you even talked to it three years ago. Yeah, I'm just asking maybe through you saw her on picture On facebook Seven years, man. She was fucking nuts

Yeah, we all we've all had a girlfriend that Oh, dude was just nuts and I remember seeing her like at eight o'clock at night in Miami and then bumping into had five Yeah, and going like what the fuck you were going home at 8 30. You did a spot. Yeah Women are the only people that they could tell you something and then 10 minutes later There's something called you could call a woman go. What's up? What are you doing? I'm standing. I'll see you when you get here when you get to there's a note Susie came over she fell down the stairs. She needed somebody to have a drink with who you talking about What the fuck are you talking about Susie? I don't give a fuck

Yeah, everyone asked me to sit down. I'm not right. Let me tell you something. I love that girl But she was a fucking handful. She was like kim bassinger from blind night. Whatever you do Don't give her any liquor, bro. Don't do any shots with her because I'm telling you and look I mean Dude, I probably stayed in that relationship a couple years longer than I should have but I mean, you know, she was uh You know, that's where you that's where you learn those lessons you go Be careful the people you let into your life because it says a lot about who the fuck you are at the time I had this tripper for four years Which was a fucking nightmare. Yeah, and she still calls me. She called me the other day to talk to me about something

Investing opportunities or jujitsu. She's opening up a jujitsu school. She went and it's always every boyfriend of hers ends up in jail I have not even this white guy now a fiance ended up in jail. What happened? He was on probation and he bought What's the common denominator? No, what's the common? She's fucking crazy. Yeah, the common denominator is her Yeah, she's so poisoned that even as a boyfriend you pay for her sins Even as a boyfriend You pay for her sins and I had a lot of fun with a lot of laughs You know, but it was it was it was taxing on your soul And people always asked me man. There was a point. I knew you joey out in LA

You were having a hard time. You really weren't that funny. I don't know how you were getting by then one day You just got funny the day I stopped dating that girl. Wow my life changed forever. It was four years of You know 60% of your time is thinking about this person like what is going on There's no, you know what it is You can't even think about or create possibilities in your own life because it was it was too much It's a you know, it's like pussy and all the sex was great. She let me fucking torture and tie her up and stab her She let me fuck her in the ass, but at the end of the day, it wasn't worth it I rather just got a blowjob and fuck you once a month and have no drama

She was a filthy fucking animal. She was get to where the ex-boyfriend mass while you fucked her Oh my god, I had to beat the boyfriend up the ex he came out. I got arrested it was Four years I ended up fighting with her on on the front of Gavin's house She was gonna hit me with a steak and I was no I was gonna hit her with a fucking meatloaf And she was gonna hit me with mace And I threw chain chain jatter and I I'm walking away from it going this is Is this even fucking dude? Why am I doing this dude? I got news for you. I will fucking never do that

Never now once you do it one time you'll go. Yeah. Wow. No, it's easy to say. Oh my god But I never never did I deal with any time, you know, I was never a sex addict I like my dick suck. I like snorting coke. That's when I get those dirty thoughts beside that I don't get dirty thoughts. I don't need to get pussy every night when I was first doing comedy I had that rocky apartment. I wasn't that rocky apartment for four years I think two girls walked in the door because I always had something after like 27 I had this saying that a buddy of mine told me before you bring him home Ask yourself if you want to wake up to this fucking animal

Once the booze is done and it's like that old saying look at a guy and put a police suit on him If it fits don't fuck with him. He's a cop. Yeah, I used to for years when I was 27 I learned a very valuable lesson. If you look at a woman, you could tell this bitch's gonna be a pain in the ass in the morning Can you want to wake up to this bitch? I don't care how good the blowjob is I don't care. She's gonna stick a tongue up my ass. First. I only got a gram And I'm not gonna take a chance at this animal if I bring her home and she don't suck my dick I'm gonna kill it because I only got a gram. I got three quarters of a fucking gram. She better suck my dick So if I'm thinking this I just say forget

It's better to rough fucking rough. I could go rub one out with tissue or love or whatever. Call it No, no, no you wake up the boy with the bread. Oh my god. There was a point in my life I didn't want women around. I didn't want nobody around But the only way you would come over if I knew you were a short thing like I don't want to talk about it As a matter of fact as soon as you walk in just drop your dress because I don't want to talk about this later Let's not some coke. Let me suck your titties just together. I was away. Let me suck your pussy just to go And women will look at me and go you crazy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, let's do a couple of lines Let's get it out of the way so the rest of the night we could just rest and just relax

But before they have this sexual tension all night back and forth and then I gotta wait for you to let the tit fall out My mistake Well, every broad does that the shirt rolls off the shoulder the titty pops out and then they start and then you So pop it out. I don't have time for that either. Let's right off the bat. Take off your pants What are you talking about? Take off suck my dick. Let me eat your pussy. I don't know you're real I don't know you're fucking real. It's like when you sell coke to somebody. They just leave like Miami Vice They buy a kilo and just leave. You know what before you take this kill. Let me see you do fucking for fucking horse blast Not like Neil Simon in that movie. What's up now? I'm not talking the kind where you need a fucking garden

How to get only way I'm doing a couple fucking real and you people think I'm fucking nuts No, I'm not much when I only got $60 and a half a gram of blow. I ain't taking a chance It's like people who go well, I heard that this place is a great restaurant. No, no, no, no, no, no Always walk is no one improving We ain't taking a chance with your shit little Hindu restaurant Because they got no we're gonna go to fucking always walk with 495. I got a soup. I got an egg roll I got a fucking cheap fucking fried snack I got a non-prag a white bread and if you're lucky the lady gives you a little fucking fortune cookie for

490 fucking five be a chance and go to this place because you like it or your friend fuck you and your fucking friend We're going to this fucking lunch bar and that's how it works out. That's it Yeah, you know, I don't walk past the restaurant. There's a lot of people there go Hey, it must be good. No, because how many that's the law. Listen We are fucking saps as humanity. How do you know if a team's gonna lose as 10 people? Go up to 10 people. We've discussed this before Jimmy Schumer. Yeah, you know It's hysterical nice to work for the sports betting service, which I watched that movie for a little while yesterday two for the money Without Pacino. Yeah. Yeah, that's me kind of hang now the company I worked for I work for Colorado sports advisers

But their main parent company was sports advisers something and it was Mike Duffy and and this other fucking Jewish guy who thought he was in the mafia. He threatened me one time. I told him to suck my dicks to finer So one of those guys left and stole the idea and made a script and sold it and these guys tried to sell it They couldn't sell that's the only thing the problem with that movie was they couldn't sell it They got too many good-looking guys good-looking guys don't do that business. It's people who look evil But when I worked for those go, what's the point of fucking the story? No, but I remember a fucking big bowl this fucking chili You came over watch Monday night for one watch the Broncos and I'm laying you watching you calling the game three plays fucking out

You were telling me about barking about you go this motherfuckers. He goes. Here's how I was you called those two plays I go this guy's running in he runs in he gets pounded, but he gets in the freakin ends Are you I call in his own number? I mean he was three plays ahead. I had I'm telling you That's how sharp I used to be with sports Betty. That's the truth Like I could look at your story tell you this was at his old fucking house spaghetti meatballs Followed by many other things and hydrogen in closet Me being late for baseball That's why I lived in studio city I lived right down here with the stripper

Yeah, and I was shooting baseball and I was coped up and we drank red wine And then we got there six in the morning and they're like today you shoot you're the second scene up And every day I would just go in there and sleep This is the day I came and gacked up to the gills that I had a fucking shoot baseball I didn't know my lines I they kept saying step on your mark I didn't know what a mark was I didn't know what cut was Nothing when they called me and they said how do you want your name and the cut at the end of the movie and I go

I made the movie and they're like, yeah, you were great. I'm like I was pale somebody put the picture up today. I know you look really young Yeah, really young. Yeah, I remember that name real all please shit I've done it. Yeah, but and what I was trying to say is we're at the end of your pitch to people once I call jimmy Schubert I go jimmy schubert Pete patello colorado sports advisers listen, we discussed this before I'm going two for two tonight. I got the game in the total your nickel better You're gonna walk away with 25 fucking hundred. Do me a favor grab the credit card. What's what's the number?

We're running out of time jimmy at the end after I give you a mental ear beating if you make it all the way to the end I always say to you who are you betting? Just for curiosity, right? What do you got tonight? They'd say steel is in the over no matter what they tell you you always said listen You're on the other side One of your bets is wrong And nine out of ten Take over they would tell me if eight out of ten people gave me miami. It was the other team that won We're fucking morons as as a as a a group. Yeah, that's why I love when people tell me they went four and oh and they did

Because you can't every week you have to be in a season. You're gonna get six good picks You're just not gonna know when to lay ten thousand on that's the magic. Yeah, that's the secret That's the guy who makes when you hit it when you hit it. You go any fucking moron could pick go six for eight in the football season bet 20,000 a game And you're still up 130 for the year Right I know what you're saying. Do you understand me? So for you to bet every game

That's how you gamble you gamble like a snake You only fucking come up and you come right back and you take your ten thousand and you go home And then they're waiting for your call next week, but you ain't gambling you ain't that stupid You're gonna wait for that field. Yeah, then you come again. That's the real fucking gamble But at the end of the conversation, I would always go who and the next day you would always lose at least one If you lost two, I can't do I had a blackjack dealer in arino And I've been hanging out there all week and goofing off and backing the thing And so I come out and go, hey, what's up?

And I throw out like 300 dollars on the table and I'm going 50, you know And I'm winning And he and he looks at me and he goes are you gonna fuck around? Are you gonna gamble and that was his way? And you ready and dude, I started batting that shoe. I walked out. I went 18 fucking hundred dollars Fucking threw him a hundred fucking tip, but he said you want you fucking ready to gamble or he just looked at me He was kind of you gamble you to fuck around. I go no this gamble and I took that as let's go Fucking 1800 walk the fuck out of there and that was the end of it, but you're right never gave it back

But I mean, yeah, you're gonna gamble. We still go to catch a rise and start there. No, no that was up with many years ago Yeah, many many fun place. Yeah, but I think I was I think it was big Yeah, yeah, no, they don't go after a certain limit, but they used to have an old I would go up there and make I would double the salary. I would make more gambling the salary Yeah, first of all the the the slot machines are from 1920 Jesus fucking handle those You stay on there for 15 minutes You win the fucking jackpot and then on Saturdays that have the money that's spun around Oh, yeah, and I'd go in there with the old coped up lint sweater with your attraction like one of those

Wouldn't with the parachute pants, what are we talking about? Please I'd wear one of those jackets at Hasidic Jews wear everything sticks to it pennies fucking lent dollar bills Those Hasidic jackets that built like that. They're a magnet money thing about their coins Diamonds they called them the Haredi by the way, that's what they got the call that I was on over in Israel They call those guys with the dark cats and the fucking big caps and the Twirly things. What's the name the tzatzi they call they're called the Haredi Haredi, let me write that No, they're called the Haredi they have like like I'm not kidding. I have like 10 kids. They have like they have huge families over in Israel

They're not even joking. Yeah, they don't believe in birth control. Yeah, it's the Haredi bunch It's the name of the name of the group You're like no, but they did when you go to Israel. There's huge. There's like, you know, I've never seen anything They got families with 10 kids in them. They're all about like, you know, it's amazing. How you feeling brother? You okay? I'm good. I'm really super high. You're not super. I want you to talk to me. What's the matter? You weren't the same when I came in here. You got something on your mind. What is it? What? You acted on a fucking half momo'd up. No, I've had a good day If Adrian had a son, you'd be fucking Adrian's son from Rocky. Look at you. You acted on momo's

No, I'm just super fucking on it right now. Do you miss this fucking six days? I haven't seen you. I missed you cocksucker What does he do buddy? You sit there at home like a fucking schmuck. Some guy came up to me and I You please have to take it easy on Lee. I go call him. He's been home since Friday. Fuck him on. He hasn't left the house Let me take it easy on him. He's 26. Where were you just at? I was at love with nick over at fucking Cleveland. Tremendous. Oh, dude That's one of that fucking hamburger Lee. You would have gone crazy. You would have gone crazy. What did they have on it? The the meat it's like 90 restaurants in the country that get usda meat direct from fucking the united states Yeah, like the cut to meat they get her off the fucking chain like he was she took me in the bag

It was look at this the pink the red. Oh my god, Lee You know, it's like a Puerto Rican's pussy. I have like dark skin on the outside. I'm just looking inside their hole It's pink is that? Oh my god, Lee this fucking meat It's delicious that whole club. I had an eight ounce patty with no because I wanted a taste of meat I thought you're still talking about pussy. They gave me the roma tomatoes. Lee We forget we give up sunshine and warm weather, but we miss out on the taste of meat We miss out on produce. That's really good because the produce deck that's grown in california is tremendous

We just don't get none of it. Yeah, that gets chipped to flower and everywhere else. That's amazing Yeah, tell them what happened for lunch with the italian place Oh my god, I went uh, I went to this fucking place, right? It was 16 below You know, it's fucking always cold in cleveland. So I go Thursday when I get there I got there Thursday afternoon. I go for a walk in there, but it's like five degrees I gotta jump into a coffee shop. I gotta join my pocket. You know, I can't smoke in the room So I take the coffee is fake and I go behind the coffee shop But the coffee shop is connected to an italian restaurant. I fucking died

People in there, you know all fucked up I go I smoke a joint back that I put the half of during the window, you know, leave it for the mouse I roll another joint friday, but you can't eat meat. I was already set. I was gonna go back to uh The the hotel and I have a piece of salmon And I said, let me go for a walk get my appetite smoke a number. Well, I go behind the fucking I get a coffee and I go by and I think it's freezing I go behind the spot, but when I walk past I'm looking at the menu and they got spicy

Sicilian style calamari and shrimp Over pasta. Oh, that's good. I got I got I got. Yeah, that sounds good. That sounds delicious. I go around behind the building I'm smoking this fucking this dube and all some palm the doors open up and it's the kitchen manager in the black cook Like man, we could smell that shit inside that And the one guy looks and he goes joey dears god, they're close that door. What are you smoking? We start fucking smoking. I go listen. What's going on with that spicy puppy Sicilian? He goes i'll make it special for you I go put it over whole wheat pasta save the bread because he said me goes I got some crispy fucking bread

I just got put some water on that mother fucker. That's the best I said I gave her bread for lunch and said me with whole wheat pasta and fucking her water And he threw me a tremendous salad I bought them both beers And I had this dish how much 16 bucks 22 That's not bad Two beers and a fucking dish. I couldn't finish it. Yeah, I couldn't finish it. I had a cheat need all the shrimp in the calamari

But think about that How much that cost you here cost you 12 just for the fucking beer here Yeah, you're saying you got one sub and it was 20 something what today We went to whatever and we got 26 for two subs a regular and a fucking foot long That's fucking jersey mics on a cookie and two drinks was 26 dollars And you got clams and shrimp and two beers and two beers for 20 fucking two This is what i'm talking about. This is what we give up By not living in the midwest we give up those

You know going for it's like when you go to houston texas and you go eat mexican food Your head explodes and you get the check unless you go to chewies or something You know something i'm a tax max that gentiles go to but if you go to one of those things on curvy one of those mexican places They give you a cup with booze and to open up with The the fucking plat is a 699 and they give you nachos and a salad and the guy comes all with the fucking violin and plays music With the mexican with the green card, you know, you spent that's why more people go out to dinner in houston tex anywhere else in the Fucking country. Yeah, because for 40. The family eats. Yeah, that's great. The family eats, you know You got to think of that that's that's why like I mean you get so funny you live here

You operate here, but you know you hit the road you go to minneapolis you go out for and you go wow It's cheap. It's like dirt cheaper whatever wherever you're at. You're at and you're like, oh my god I fucking get it. I fucking get it. You know, we got an interesting letter from some guy in a law school and a law And he was talking about you know to talk to lee and his girlfriend I never thought about how they regulate medical school in california, but they don't regulate law school And they they want latinos and blacks they encourage you We don't give a fuck what you do get in there And they they fucking have all these lawyers now they have an abundance of lawyers in that layer, which what does it do?

It brings the opening cars down So instead of making 140 with the national averages For a guy out of law school Now they're making 60 70 and they're fighting for their lives a bunch of barracudas It's like trying to sell weed in california being the lawyer. Yeah, you know I mean that's what's kept half of them alive at 200 the pop going to a lawyer open up Look at the fucking licensing and shit like that. I mean if I was a lawyer at hustle, you got a hustle I'm not talking about chasing them. You just got a hustle. You got to get out there and you got to do what you got to do

Especially when you get and start it, you know other time, you know, I mean you develop your reputation cases will come to you But I mean, you're right. You got to hustle out there. There's too many guys I mean, that's why the world's so fucked because it's run by lawyers and lawyers make these fucking laws and Have you know the the the the litigation You know in this country is fucking ridiculous because the lawyer lobby is so fucking powerful I mean the guys run from the gun imagine charging 400 an hour 500 an hour That's what they fucking charge. They get on a phone That's all on a phone call. They charge you 15 fucking minutes. Yeah, bucking a quarter

Bucking a fucking quarter of phone call dog for what fuck sports phone So you motherfucking youths don't remember sports phone You get your bill and there was $2,000 in sports from a dime of call How much was it a call 49 cents a call? Yeah, and you'd be staying up all night to see if hawaii won Man, we need hawaii to come through. That's the last game, motherfucker We got hawaii and we go buying a boss that will leave it to life What's up lisa? Yeah, what's going on? What plans you got for the week? What's going on? Are you sitting there like a fucking struts?

Even though I love you. What's happening? I don't got any plans. I mean, we're doing this again this week. Okay And uh, that's it. What are you doing mama this week, you know, no, she's going to vegas with her cousin to see what For her cousin's birthday. Oh, jesus christ. I'm not going though. Fuck. No, how'd you get out of that? They asked you didn't you? Uh-huh. Oh, sure. Yeah, they want to ask daddy war bucks to come and jump up and down with them You said fuck that Yeah, man's man. I can't go to vegas right now. No, I'm gonna have to share a room with two broads. What am I crazy? I go to vegas just to get my dick sucked in my balls lick like biggie

anyway Right or wrong Who goes to vegas with two broads to share a hotel room unless you're in the middle I'm learning like this like this fucking knob and wapping spit with the other one Like a doctor, but you can't do that with mexican chicks to have a fucking heart attack Nobody will bring that cousin, you know what i'm saying, but that's good. How'd you get out of it? What'd you tell it? I just uh, it's just her cousin's birthday. I didn't want to what are they gonna do interrupt I don't know. They're going a couple shows. They're gonna go eat

They're only there for like a couple days. They're just it's a quick trip. I didn't want to be in the room with her cousin and Like one like not we couldn't do anything. It's just those two or it's a bunch. Yeah, just them two. Oh, yeah You're learning now. You ain't covering that. No to go over there. Be the fucking odd man Plus, I just like to gamble and I just I want to tag on a bunch of stupid shit. Yeah, they don't want to do this and go to circuses and shit You ain't got time to see a line if you're at you, okay? You didn't mean to put down the bill Yeah, fuck that shit. They're gonna go to clubs. It's crazy. I like I would never wait in line for a club Don't worry about nothing. Hopefully fucking something will happen. They'll never go back

Hopefully paulo coy at two in the morning and say I'll never come back to this again. That's how you love you. Well, that'll happen Yeah, you go to Vegas and yeah Vegas isn't for everybody, but everybody thinks they belong at least once in 12 Vegas, I did Vegas right back when the fucking dunes were still fucking standing and you're out there And you got the fucking salmon the outlaws there They hold you over for a third week because you're selling on every show You go into the Olympic guards every night hanging in there walking there on billy I don't know why ain't all the sneaking comes around you get moved to the VIP room. What's going up in garden this now?

Is that the big big big one? I don't even know. No, no, that's that's that's the one. I mean that's not is that still there Yeah, it's still there, but that's probably the last time I went to a strip club. You and Aaron Hey, come in four o'clock in the morning. Hey, there she is You know dude back in the day. It was crazy, but I'm just saying Yeah, I've done Vegas now I go to Vegas And I let Eleanor Kerrigan and Steve Simone drag me to church on sunday. Go. All right, and then the priest comes out like Elvis That's dude. They got a full side dude less

Well, I went to Vegas when I did big room yoga for four days in a row like a fucking nut bag Just thinking away from fucking people just not to get out there. I'm telling you I was trying to you know Anything but go hang out with you know that the masses, you know, I probably have not been in the strip club I am 52 It's been years I'm gonna be honest if you guys last time I walked into a strip club It's probably 99 and Cleveland at the improv across they give you passes to go get free lunch And you're going to have a prime rib and you're eating this fucking primer that looks like that fucking pink meat

Who the fuck wants to eat when some chicken's dancing with flapjack teddies? I think I went in there one time And then in 98 I went to a fucking Toronto And that was the last time I went AWOL in the strip club But I had to go back to the club and get a draw and go back Oh, really? Yeah, there was a chick that was letting me bite her pubic hairs and lick her clit and she was beautiful And every time she'd come to me. I just wanted to test that bite her fucking pubic hair And then one time I just tongued her clit and she left it there. I said, how long are you gonna be here till two?

I'm coming right back a box of tic-tacs and a pocket full of cash I came back and I ran over there. I was like 400 pounds. I ran to that hollywood land Boris the magician That's when Boris had the fucking club with his jew fucking cousins and she got asleep at the cousin's house in the basement And he drove hookers around he wake you up in four in the morning. I got one that got hit by a car She's running at this guy. She'll suck your dick, but she's bleeding You guys think I'm fucking kidding you You guys think I'm fucking kidding you

Fucking Boris's cousin. Listen, you went to toronto and you had to stay there with fucking jews till the end lee Lee, they refused to pay for a hotel room Three comics had said we're leaving So the one week at the one club in toronto you stepped you slept on top of the bar In a two-man fucking apartment with a key on your door and shit and you they gave you towels They refused to play for a hotel They refused Then when you went to the other club like an hour from toronto

You slept at the aunt's house in the basement, but the cousin was retarded He was half retarded, but he drove hookers Thursdays fridays and saturday. Yeah, but I did there's like this is crazy stuff. Yeah, and he would knock on your door Listen, I got one that says she'll suck your dick for half right. It was always a story You're like, listen, I'm only getting fucking 500 for the week. I gotta get back over the border You weren't making any money. That's why the guy hired you. He hired emcee. He hired emcee slash features the headline This is the nightmare But the one night the guy brought a stripper in that got beat the fuck up the guy ran the room with a car

She didn't want to go to the hospital and he's like, you know, she'll suck your dick She just needs fucking money to get bandages I'm like, are you fucking? What did you need bandages for? Don't see with the guy The guy beat her up from ran over. Uh, dude, that's horrible. It was horrible It's hard. They were far and he was retarded. So he didn't even know what to do. He's like, I don't know what to do Do I go to a pharmacy?

She had been beat up and this chick still wanted to suck dick She looked like fucking gladiator after one of those beatings and she still wanted to suck my dick for the small 20 Like she wanted 60 for the night. It was a fucking nightmare And I remember telling us Toronto, huh? Yeah, he kept the gig still there No, Boris had a locked door. Nobody goes to that shit. He was booking fucking slash mc features to headline The only you know, he fired Danny Kelly Fire he fired Danny Kelly He fired a couple people a couple people quit because the money was 600 a week two weeks to have one

He kept you for two weeks. I used to do this coconuts gigs down in Florida was 125 a night and you had to seat the fucking people Yeah, yeah, you had to seat the people you say come on. I mean, I believe me as you know What's up? Lee? Look at you. Look at the fucking screen like, you know Yeah, look at this when we talk cock sucker. You know, you're not high Well, you're not high, you know, you're the fucking master of disaster. I've been telling you that for fucking years. You're You don't give yourself enough credit. That's why I fucking get pissed off a who gives a fuck Yeah, it's it's some crazy. That's the last time I lost my mind in the strip club but the best

one time when I was living in Boulder Kathy's mother Kathy my ex-wife the one who hates me I was living With her sister and her husband. I was renting out the downstairs And my wife calls at the time. She was my girlfriend. She calls me at like nine three and she goes, hey, man Your friends just called you Sabatino and Tommy Russo and this other guy They flew into Denver Stapleton on a fucking two day

They they left jersey went to vegas And in vegas they got coked up and they said we're out of here. We might as well go see cocoa And these guys had loot Danny Bianculo. Danny Bianculo was one of those guys. Danny calls into the podcast And I take a fucking cab. I call them. I call them back at the airport. They're at the fucking airport. I gotta pay for Like, where are you? They go take a cab. We'll pay for it. We'll meet you at the airport. I got to the airport. They left They left like 200 miles with a fucking guy waiting for me the guy wait They gave him like 500 to wait for me and they to give me two

With a note go to shotgun willies We go to shotgun willies. They're in there. They got a whole table control. They're in there throwing hundreds They each got an ounce of blonde. I'm not fucking kidding I go listen guys. I need a bump. We go back to the hotel room They give me a few fucking bumps. We go back to shotgun willies I ate somebody's ass somebody sucked my dick. It was horrible We went back to the hotel and we got so paranoid we hit the coke and the tissue paper things in the wall Then the next morning I got up and they're like coax

We're leaving like they got out, you know, like when you wake up fucking them in your reality They were in Denver at the sleep in 12 hours. They were in Denver. They're like, how do we get to Denver? It's like we're going home. I go you want the blood like don't keep it I go in there. It's like an ounce and three quarters. I call my wife Alyssa. I got the girl. I go I got an ounce and three quarters come get me this is This before I got locked up. This is 86 the beginning of 87 I call her up They leave me like 200 bucks these guys

I call her up. I go. Can you meet me? I'm taking the cab to a cheap hotel I take the cab to a cheap hotel I call up. She goes. I can't meet you. I can't go out there But save some of the coke. We'll sell it. I had no money at the time guys At an ounce and three quarters. They left me one rock with a little bit of powder They were like, this is the tail end of a kilo we bought two weeks ago. Like these guys were crazy. Wow They give me the guy checking to this hotel, but I'm getting paranoid I'm looking out the window and I see that every 10 minutes a car pulls in and another car pulls in another car pulls in

So now I'm getting paranoid So I take a gallon of water and I take one of the coke rocks and I throw it in there to see how long it takes the rocks to dissolve Now I'm hearing drills and I'm hearing saws. Oh, so in my mind, they're coming to the ceiling I start fucking snort like there's no tomorrow Lee. I'm doing bumps to I'm in the bathroom on my hands and knees doing coke It's all over the bathroom floor finally. I got like an ounce left and I dump it down the fucking toilet and flush it I start doing the coke that's around I look out there after eight four hours there look at the window It's an ATM machine

Like a bank with the people that go to make deposits. I thought it was the FBI switching cars on me now I'm in front of the toilet For six hours. It was little yellow spots Where the coke had just flushed and stick to the side I was had my hand in the toilet and I would take these things And put them in my nose But then there was a gallon of water that had thrown a coke rock in Now I'm down. I'm jerking off. I'm you know, it's 12 hours later. You start drinking that water. I forgot all about it

I start drinking the water. I lost my voice. I couldn't talk it turns like Oh my god, it's like Mickey Mouse and my girlfriend's calling what happened to the blown up Let me get some shout out so you get the fuck out of here in a couple minutes. Yeah, Jesus man. Oh my god True stories, bro. Radcliffe Yates, Cody Lerner. I love you cocksucker, Rory Oliver Jamil Haddad Joe Varela don't make me find out your ices Jamil Thank you, but Justin Sealy Greg and Lynn. I love you up there. I'm thinking about you and listen somebody in uh

Indianapolis gave me a great fucking picture of oscar robinson Black and white authenticizes autograph fucking. I mean just a picture. I gotta get a frame and put it in your office You didn't put a card in there with your name. Can you please hit me up on facebook? On gmail and talk to me and there's something in there that you put in there. So only you'll know So please get back to me my brother. It was a beautiful fucking president All right, don't forget. I'm at the sacramento punchline this thursday friday saturday And thursday march 19th. I need you guys to put your vcr tell your grandmother your priest everybody turn on comedy central This is not happening. We need the fucking numbers cocksucker. It's me and r e alone. All right

Oh nice and you're aware this weekend. I'm in minneapolis, bro I'm in the house the fucking comedy there in the mall of america tremendous hotel at that restaurant. They have the best Mushroom bali cream soup that you will ever fucking have dude in life Dude the asabuco there that little little joint that little joint right in the bottom like tapas. It's freaking great Tremendous and when you come back if you tell them what you want at eight o'clock I'm gonna come back and 12 have it ready for me the guy don't have it I still got their cards one of them bartenders there opened up his own place And he goes when you come back

I'm taking you up down the guy anthony spina fucking left me a message this week Beautiful man that he is because I kept calling him. He's somewhere in fucking bay root walking the hills Some you know these people go to a fucking other country and they walk and they turn their cell phone off here I'm trying to call them. I couldn't get him and he finally sent me an email So he heard the podcast he sent us his love so a shout out to my main man anthony spina these mushrooms, isn't Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, I got the tail end. I got the giggles and shit Let's turn off the lights and put on animals. Lee. What do you think? And we'll sing we'll put on some pink floyd. What do you think? Okay, just to see how it feels. Lee

You never did mushroom. I'm down with the lights Go ahead put on pink floyd dogs dogs. Sure You want to see if we can do it live and we can put it on the tv I'll do whatever you want to do if you can put on the tv that even better show these fucking people what you're all about At least I yeah, you know when you tell these like and the other time I lost my mind. I was at the fucking halfway out This was my second time. Yeah, you know you tell me those stories bro and I cringe I mean you just talk about you. I mean I've been in it. I mean, I'm so glad I haven't done it in a number of years But I mean you I know that feeling where you're just oh you just gotta

Fuck it bad, dude. Get some sleep walk it off Crazy shit, but man her stories bro. I just kind of cringe. I personally cringe because you just remind me the halfway house I'm a month away from getting married and I'm selling blow with two hands at the half What's the name of the band pink floyd your fuck Dogs I'm selling blow at the halfway house. Everybody gets paid on friday Now I'm at this before you put dogs on Lee. I am You know, I go to prison I get out guys and when you go to prison you learn all these fucking scams and I got out and I ran them all But the main moneymaker I was selling blow to get married, but the main moneymaker. I was don't put it on you

the main moneymaker was uh Loan sharking to the invicts Because you had to pay your rent. That's how they got you you got to pay your rent on thursday. Nobody gets paid till friday So if you didn't pay rent on thursday, you couldn't go out for the weekend So they borrow the rent and pay the rent on friday comes So they would have to pay the rent two weeks in advance. They didn't make that type of money To go out those two weeks and then get a row going you couldn't leave the house unless you paid the rent So I would go up to them and say listen 75 dollars. I'll give you 75 for 104

Till friday and they all went for it. Nobody ever gave me a hard time 75 for 104 for 104 on friday. So I'll pay the rent for you I'm gonna give you I'm gonna give you three points over to vick because I had 30 40 fucking guys plus I had guys borrowing a nickel For 750 for the 10 payment to 75 dollars. I was just you know, I was I was I was I was buying stolen stuff I was getting Rolex watches This is in halfway. I'm in the bctc in bold and I'm running this fucking I'm running I'm putting coke in the ceiling

And with a scale and I remember one day the council was in the bag when everyone there was little coke rocks All over the carpet and she's like what's going on with your ceiling and where they're dying If she picks up one of these things and tastes it She's gonna go fucking bananas. But why would somebody normal pick up something white and taste it? But I'm halfway out. I'm five. I got out. I got out of prison in february It's march april may june july. I got a more conned They got me on level four, which means I could come in at midnight. I could drive And I don't have to tell them where I am every hour and I got weekend furloughs

And they call the house where I'm furlough and then they test me for alcohol and drugs when I come back I got them conned I'm probably making six seven eight grand selling mitzvah bc eclipses And I'm probably making another five or six slinging coke and half the coke I was stealing And this is in the halfway. This isn't the half you haven't even been fully integrated into society I'm driving You know, I'm doing the whole five would wake up in the morning. I would run two miles That's how I got persidious in my heels. I come back. I change I go to the harvest

I get a swiss granola and the harvest iced tea and I drive to 140 and Thornton That was my day bam And I'd be there the best fucking sale and then I'd go home And I'd weigh out coke and I had people waiting for me and I'd have and then again if a gram for gram was 50 They're in prison. They know that you have to pay So I would charge them $10 for the coke extra. You want to front it? That's good. But that's 60. No problem, bro Give me three grams. They would pay because they just want to have it And one night I got like a fucking half ounce and after I didn't have to be back till midnight

It's 10 o'clock. I go to 140 and Thornton, but I go to one of those places where it's no you bring your own booze And but they top that completely naked. I hook up with a Korean girl I got a couple lab dances the next thing I go you do blows. She's doing lines. Oh my god after that I'll meet her ass Soy sauce everywhere. I sucked her pussy fucking dry. She had fake tits. She had blonde hair like streaks man I tore this fucking Chinese chick up the pieces man I remember jerking off the whole drive home like the pussy was so good. You're just jerking off all over my suit

I was I was coming on my shirt and wiping and tucking it back in my pants. That's how good the pussy was I was hitting at the I gave her all the coke. I went home with bunny rabbit ears I gave her all the coke all I had left bunny rabbit. Oh, yeah, both pockets were empty. She sucked me dry Fuck I sucked up fucking Korean pussy for fucking it howl I got back to the halfway house at five two I remember pulling up and all the invix in the windows jumping up and down like because you made it because I made it back And I had coke on the trunk and I remember they always searched I'd bring the coke in like nothing This is just a different fucking world, man

And now look at this now. We're fucking legit people Headly Put it put it. Let me go up to the guitar solo go like to a minute. You want headlights? No, no go to the minute Dad, we just want to see what you got. Okay, so great story, by the way, man. Fucking tremendous. You sit there You get goosebumps. Yeah, we're still the right side of the grass. We threw all that shit, you know, fuck Kick it up speed it up leader one minute Little more a little more Little more

Little more Little more Little more Little more Little more Right there This is the whole fucking picture kick that shit Lee don't cover your mouth. It looks like a three year old

I'm not coming. I'm doing This is our fucking guitar Oh shit Is there a camera on the fucking screen? Yeah Oh, shit. It's not even moving. Nothing's happening. That's the cover of that fucking album. Look at the pig flying over the fucking shoots Look at it. It looks like cleveland Look at that fucking place

Break out one of those cookies I got one over here. Let's eat some fucking cookies and let's see the devil If we're gonna go deep, let's go fucking deep. It's over. It's monday night here, los angeles The fucking church. We're making it happen cocksuckers Look at Lee this is like a pilot like he's about to land the fucking plane and the Hudson River Look at him It was david gilmore's birthday maybe Three or four days ago the guy that's playing the guitar in this This to me is one of the best fucking solos

I could feel his fucking soul Kick it up Lee. Kick it up. Kick it up. You're killing me Oh Oh shit, Lee, I just wanted you to know motherfucker I Feel those mushrooms fucking let me know I still got another one guys you can't walk on one leg, you know Ain't nobody doing nothing to mom Lee you're in cocksucker

Sure you are don't wait by nothing. Here we go, Lee Ain't another mushroom sure Are you fucking kidding me or what? Now we were really really tripping right now like heavy-duty acid tripping. Yeah, you're done This is sucking you in and his first line right there when you fucking feel it It's all over like your head is fucking scrambled days after this listen to the line You hear that bass drum at your heartbeat They must the fucking say after that cocksuckers

Thank you for coming out to the church Jimmy shoe, but you're at Minneapolis this week Yeah, but Minneapolis is the Mall of America, man And the next week then I'm going I'm going to do with a madhouse in San Diego I like going down to do that club and then I'm going to be uh, then I'm hitting Vegas I'm doing Brad Garrett's room and then I'm closing off with the new hour I'm going to be doing it Flappers and Burbank there on the second third or the third and fourth of uh, April Yeah, so you're gonna shout out here to get some people down. Oh, man. Are you kidding me dude? I'd love it Joey. It's great seeing you again, man. Thanks for having me on

Get a little crazy it was a little unorthodox tonight, but fuck it That's why you hang out with us. If not, you can watch fucking night witness news with dying What's up with you, Lisa? What do you got crack or lacking? I'm really fucked up. Good. Good. That's what they want you. That's all I got crack or lacking right now I'm happy you fucking did this to me. I'm happy everything is all right That's pretty cool. Like you it's just you and Ari on that show. Yeah, it's very good And it'll be interesting to see what they would they captain because I was there when they were when it when is that again, Joey? When's that show next Thursday is not happening. It's the season finale

So it's just two of us And I tell a story about this lady who took care of me after my mother died It's it's weird how You go to these parties and people tell you your friends and when you die I'll see people that I know are mutual and they won't even bring shit up and I'm waiting for them to go Hey, remember it's like when you see callable after you have a drink I mean we call you bump into me tells you a different fucking story But it's like when you bump into Lenny Clark. Yeah after about 10 minutes of that time in Chicago. We're open off for sam

So, uh What was I talking about? I'm not sure. I mean, what was I talking about? You were talking about uh She's bumping the guys got their stories But oh, this is not happening and uh You know, I'll tell you how they were good friends, but you know Besides that some people you'll see and they won't mention sam And you know, they were tight with sam at the end of the night. You go back to your room and go that was weird Like he doesn't exist. I'm the type of guy. I've had a good friend. I honor that. Ah, man. Are you kidding me, dude?

Let me tell you something dude. He put so many cool moments in my life and I got I mean, you know It was a lifetime ago, man. He's been dead 23 years, but man. It was a great time in my life I don't I mean I look you learned about calm and I learned about comedy from one of the fucking best And you do them at the fucking top of your game And you're gonna buy you torn through america and you get the outlaws of comedy and you live in this Dude, it was amazing and they get from there To here and finally figured out for myself and it started to be doing that for you know, it there's just It's a long journey, but it's worth every step of it. And you know, it's a it's a I I believe I find myself thanking God every day that

You know, you're still Still doing it man. You're still doing it, but explain how I this lady was a friend of my mom's who my mom helped out In 1950 when my mom died in 1979 this lady made a promise to my mom that she was gonna take care of me She took care of me for six fucking years pretty much, you know From 79 to 84 She gave me 200 a week and it became something after like three years I would just say give me an eight ball of coke. I'll sell it because she sold coke on 113th and 5th avenue And she was a great lady and I love her and I fucked her up at the end and I always it was a guilt thing for me

That's why I told her story. So right, you know, Ari does those storytellers shows. Hopefully there's a second season You want I'm sure you know great man. I love me or whatever. Yeah, Ari's doing great. They got the fucking billboard Lee wake up snap out of it. Oh look at the shape of you. Yeah, I love you guys We'll see you Wednesday or tomorrow night or whatever the fuck Oh, fuck. Oh fuck. Oh, shit. That's how stoned. I am on the mushrooms I forgot to talk about my favorite motherfucking people in the world my sponsors. Let's open up with fucking on it Okay, for example today I had it today's my upper body and but today I wanted to try shroom tech

So I said I'm gonna see how I feel This guy doesn't really want you want you to do cardio opposite your weightlifting schedule So if you're looking at daytime, he wants you to do cardio at night opposite two times a week by itself If you have if you have a fucked up schedule, he doesn't mind if you do the cardio after your workout So today's the heavy work. I have to do heavy benches. I did benches for like sets of four and five. I got a spotter then I did uh Close grip bench presses then I did fucking bent over rows heavy with 135 just because I'm an older guy For me, that's fucking heavy

But you have to do five sets of six and I added five pounds and 10 pounds and then you have to do pull downs You have to do shrugs. You have to do upright rows You have to do curls and tricep extension. Then you do a bunch of sit ups a big day Yeah, I put a big I took a 15 pound weight and just did a bunch of fucking sit ups and then after that I said fuck I might as well do the the fucking cardio thing. I did 40 minutes I burnt a lot dog that fucking thing at 20 minutes. I had burned 250 fucking calories doing 20 seconds flying and I reached all the way to 10 The 10.1 I got 10 what 10.1 speed like, you know, you go like I don't look at the speed

I went all the way up to the top and then back to you So you do 20 seconds at all you can then 40 seconds of 3.2 Yeah, I gotta make myself do that shit on the road all the time But I did it with shuntek that shuntek from fucking on it gave me some tremendous You know when I left there after 40 minutes, I can be honest with you guys today I'm not sure And I walked home. I walked there and back and I still had some energy Shuntek's a fucking tank, you know take it from me. I got no fucking cardio at all. Did I take the whole package?

I love that product. That's a great. You know what? I'm a comedian on the road They make these packets. They make the day packet and yeah, yeah They're all priming care. They're telling you man that stuff is great I swear when you're flying and you're moving around a lot. You usually you lose minerals when you fly There's radiation on the planes. They got some good shit. Go to honor.com right now. Save 10% open up at the alpha brain Open up at the primal care package. Do what the fuck you want to get 10% off Use the code word church. Boom. There you go. C-H-U-R-C-H in case you're fucking stupid I need for you to get the 10% off

Also, they got to stay out of program where they mail it directly to your ass. No offense if you are fucking a momo I am dragon tv for all you martial arts enthusiasts Martial arts movies. I'm sure they don't take offense to that. Who gives a fuck where they take offense? This is the church. What's happening? That's right, bro. You can't take a joke. Take a shot. I remember Jesus was a Jew Anyway, and he made it come back in three days. You call me that we talked early and then you call me back at like 10 And as soon as I picked up I went hey, buddy And you went remember Jesus was a Jew and then you just set up like it was like a 30 minute 30 second conversation You just hung up and yeah, sure these people forget everybody thinks Jesus was a Catholic

There's no fucking way they said that to you to make us feel guilty We work from strength the church what's happening now works from strength Jesus was a Jew They killed him because he kept winning at poker Okay, and then they took him down they killed them. They made a comeback in three days He would have made the tube, but they broke his foot And that's the only reason he could push the fucking rock and then what he'd do he came back and he disappeared That's a Jew dog Catholics don't they sit around they go to church on Sunday. They eat the cookie They feel fucking you let's crack open that peanut butter. Go ahead, man. No, no, no, no

You want to eat the cookie? I want to play something else. Well, you know that you're too high when joey deals No, I don't want to open that one. I want to take the other road. I got one here. Yeah I got a bag of anarchy shit right here. I know you do. I got an anarchy peanut butter fucking cookie That'll fucking kill you. You understand me anarchy is fucking rocking and rolling There's a hundred and forty milligrams of animal thc was what this three ways I was talking to some guy last night. He said he had one of those hard candies that were like five milligrams each and I was like

five milligrams And I was like if that does anything to you Nothing what's what's going on with what's it's like the animals Joe Rogan gave you nothing happened to you You know, they were nothing nothing you want to do this last mushroom tablet We think we think Lisa we cut this three ways just I'm sorry right now. Thank you. We mean you're cool. What do you got to do tomorrow morning? Huh Iron dragon tv Listen, ufc is great

Bellator is great But sometimes you want to see the origins of this shit go to iron dragon tv. They're a roku channel Tremendous fucking movie streaming at all times to gently I mean we could sit here for fucking hours and tell us what they got You know what forget that shit go take a look for yourself. Why are you fucking around? You want to get into classic martial arts? You've been thinking about it. You don't know where to start You like going to china town, but you're scared. This is where you start iron dragon tv They fully don't fuck around plus he's giving you two movies off the cuff for free. We got an earthquake here

What what's the code over there jerry get two free fucking movies from iron dragon tv today It starts today right now go get two fucking movies. Take a look at what they got They had all types of little martial arts movies current stuff old stuff classic stuff You're wasting your fucking time on the other shit watching dumb fucking movies like that chef that this guy recommended You get me a chef who does martial arts that I can watch it on that network Listen martial arts could help that fucking movie If they would have killed the chicken stab them in the heart and took a fucking pit out You couldn't say that scene with a martial arts face there

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Tastes like a little fucking tochi. Yeah, if I fuck out of it You're calling us This is the best they got zero eight 16 and 24 milligrams and They also have a cigar the rocky fucking world. You go to Atlantic City and give everybody cancer do with the I don't give a fuck What's the code And that's because I love you We're gonna be

We're gonna be Sacramento and don't forget. This is not happening and jimmy shub. It's gonna be wet At the house of fucking cards and many At the house of comedy the house of comedy level four tomorrow of america They'll call us the car. They'll call that most of malia. Do you do that first floor or is it like to call soft target? I'll be soft target. They're gonna blow that That's the place. Wait till next week after i'm there. I gotta go to october. I was just there My wife's gonna tell me she wants to go listen. It's off. They that's the first place tiger ice is targeted Yeah

They're gonna take over the mall bruce willis is too fucking old. He can't save us I saw a watch coming out with mall cop too. He'll be busy at the premiere. Let me tell you some of that movie bombs I don't even want to know what's gonna happen. That's gonna be ugly poor fucking Kevin james Poor Kevin james. I love him like a brother, but he's got to do more shit He's gonna be doing a podcast and stand up. I gotta tell you that that the what the mma movie he did I saw that in a theater. I freaking loved that. I loved that. I thought that was a fun. You know what? It was like a fun Yeah, it was like uh, it was like a uh, freaking I swear to god

It was like a kind of an mma rocky kind of thing Oh, by the way, if you got 200 000 dollars mayhem's in jail. Oh, he needs bail money again Yeah, they're not gonna let him out this time poor fucking mayhem Well, he's got a pretty fucking good podcast too. What episode one and two episode one. This is the half of it He's fucking great. That was a great podcast. He is on podcast now. Yeah, I think he has one episode But it's the best podcast you've ever heard He only has one right. He's just listening to whatever over again. No, I listen to 20 minutes. It's fucking he's crazy I've seen him. I've seen him around twice and he was very nice. He wasn't rude or anything, but

He was just talking about how He didn't have his wallet, but someone would buy him a drink and I want to drink with you And I was just like that girl that waitress that you like to torture Katie Those are the two people that I've seen we get the drunkest but still somehow he was standing up and talking And I'm just it's sad because he was a pretty big right when I started getting into UFC Anyway, hitty six dot com put in 20% off and put it Joey's church Joey's church and get 20% off nailed it life put in

Joey Diaz and get 20% off iron dragon tv put in Joey and get two free movies and honor doc tom press in Church and beside that. I love you cocksuckers. Thank you for taking the ride with us tonight It's a special monday night edition next monday. We're coming early with irish or fear and we're also doing mushrooms that monday morning I'll again in the morning. Just do you still have something you have that much I've got a new bat sent in from fucking Bulgaria or some shit. Don't worry about nothing stop at the questions. I like you little fucking Uh, well those glasses. Yeah, you like these bro. He's my Throw those away, please

Last time I saw somebody with those glasses robber was He took them off from the casket Did I get these fucking I leave these fucking things everywhere to break the fucking crack I was like eight bucks over ebay. I could stole those some fucking robber I wanted No, I got no, I got these off of uh, who was the guy the drew carry. I got I got these in drew carry garage Shall these I love you guys stay black. Have a great week. Thank you. Jimmy. Shoot. Thank you. Joey Diaz. Love you too, brother Love you guys. Thank you. Lisa. Thank you, buddy. I don't think we need to do the add the guy

Yes Play some music while man Fuck what were you doing? Oh, I know it's up here. Oh, Jesus Christ. He forgot already. He's my idea with ladies and gentlemen I have two computers now. I know Oh Oh I can't say Oh

Oh Oh You