Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #265 - Bret Ernst, Joey Diaz, and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: March 17, 2015

Bret Ernst, Comedian, and host of the Bret Ernst Show, Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio This podcast is brought to you by:  Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. Iron Dragon TV. A New Roku channel with all the best martial arts films. Use Code word joey for two free rentals. HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for a 20% discount Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by using code word joeydiaz. Music:  Just Be Good To Me - S.O.S Band I Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet You're The One For Me - D Train Recorded on 03/16/2015

This show is brought to you by Onit.com Why thank god because I just like the fucking thing or as you say alpha brain calm That's right Go to on it.com. He's covered church to get 10 off of all of the great optimization products alpha brain new mood shumtech immune shumtech sport It's code word church to get 10 off church Hell yeah Uh, also go to hit esigs.com. That's hit letter esigs.com Better tasting longer lasting the proof is in the vape

E-cigarettes and e-cigarettes They have different flavors of e-cigarettes and different levels of nicotine if you're looking to quit smoking It's code word joey's church to get 20 off of your order You do realize joey that I had mushrooms and uh, those goombas from manos about 20 minutes ago So you ate mushrooms too. Yes. So those three kids in florida died swimming. So what's your point? Why don't you do the bass salts and then eat everybody's face off Lee? I'm I'm sure that's next savage. I don't know what I'm gonna do Go to ion dragon leave me.com and use cobra joey to get two free rentals of all their great

Martial arts movies. They also have a whole bunch of on it videos on there It's a brand new roku channel If you think this is funny wait till the end of the show And go to nailed it life.com speaking of los goomba shamanos when you go to nailed it life.com He's code word joey Diaz to get 20 off the premiere vapor pen on the market For all the oil and wax smokers out there It's code word joey Diaz at nailed it life.com. Oh shit. It's monday march 16th. You bad motherfuckers The day before st. Patty's day. Here you go. Little something for the black irish out there

Making it happen deep Little something from 80 fucking three fucking great song 30 fucking 40 years some fucking shit Little s.o.s. man for you motherfuckers if you're black Take notes take the drake fucking dbb and throw it out the window. This is what black this is what black people fucking started right here Oh shit, lee The church of what's happening now motherfuckers tell the devil to suck your dick. It's on fire tonight. What? Back that motherfucker, lee. Oh shit Damn

Suck it lick it lick it. Oh shit Oh shit, it's that time. Just be good to me. Look at the fucking stars. It's that weight none you cock suckers Tell me I am crazy lee lee get that music cock sucker I'm ready to time with you. Oh shit You'll never be mine. Oh shit That's not the way I see it Oh Oh, shit, this is shit. This is tremendous whenever you with me

Oh Always talking about oh shit lee my reputation Get it lee. Oh, he's moving with us for this shit. Nature. I don't care what the Just be good to me. Oh, shit Things are always telling me This one's definitely up for you. Oh, this shit's great, man I don't care what you do to them Just be good to me. Take it lee. Take that motherfucking lee. Oh shit. Just be good to me. It's a fucking tremendous Monday

I already did like 20 seconds of cardio to that motherfucking song brother. It's in the house. What's up, my brother? What up, baby? How you doing? You know trying to put the pieces together over here. We'll at least say yeah I'm trying to tweet this. What's what's the tweet? Don't worry about please put the fucking phone away What's going on with you cock sucker? I have like three seconds left. No, you're all right. That's what see you lose when This fucking guy eats a little piece of mushroom and right away He's walking around like fucking like uh, who turned on jesus

Uh, judas judas. No, you're fine. It's fine frank. You're gonna go into a natural You're gonna go into a natural evolution We gave you the fucking gummies your model to tame the fucking mushroom down And then we got the star coming at you like uh, the big black kahuna It sounds good, then then I'll be great. Yeah, what are you dealing with? So you do the three triple effect you got the mushroom in you a little something from the hash off Those gummies are mono right and a little piece of the star. You're not gonna eat a whole star You just want to eat a little piece. Oh good all mixes in thank you on the ocean fucking floating

You know I'm saying it's like you're in the backup thing of uh Oh, we oh we oh remember they would do oh we oh we are the time the time now Now I know why you told me to have my world ready when I left it I told you he called me like 20 minutes before I was gonna leave. He said make sure you have the will ready Yeah, give her a hug because we're going deep. We're doing the triple fucking death. How was your weekend? It was good. It was really good. I um The wife was gone. So I just kind of hung around and went to aria show on saturday and brah Just off all over the house all over the house. Yeah when her wife's gone. That's what happens. You just start running

You missed the fuck. Yeah, you yeah, I missed her a little bit But I haven't had a weekend to myself in a while. So that's nice too. That's nice sometimes you do some writing Spend some time with red too. You went to the gym. Yeah, I went to the gym every day. You're some push ups Yeah, you're beautiful. You look good. Nice. I'm trying bless you It's gonna be hard tonight with all these the munchies still get me again You got a fucking the the the fucking little Silicite the mushroom the speed from it that natural little fucking thing. You shouldn't be hungry Just throw a fucking coffee down and roll a joint

And you'll be back like fucking I shouldn't be hungry with the amount of with the amount of edibles you put in me What I'm good. There's no such thing. What's up my brother Brent? How you doing? The fucking disco inferno. No, that was a great song. Oh sos band. Yeah sos band put out like fucking six jams in a row That was tremendous. I'm like an 84 like the greatest summer of music in new york. I went to see him at some Damn medium place with a lot of black people tremendous in the Harlem somewhere Who the fuck knows uh, I just heard the song on the radio the other day and it killed that cashing store No, it killed me when I heard that song on the radio killed me like it just put a hole in my heart I hadn't heard it in a while and one of those songs that

You know, we were just bopping till last night went out to dinner Right and we uh kelly runny was there a bunch of us today and kelly runny We were talking about a story where her uncle used to hide his blow under her crib In those little things so you couldn't if the cops came in So one night I was downstairs doing my thing banging out fucking bolders like in bold And I kept having to go upstairs and pick her up in the crib while she was Take the coke rocks out and put it back in I did that all night like every hour on the eye was fucking horrible I was terrible those days

But she went out to dinner with us. It was very nice. It was very nice. Thank you You know, it was fun just because I had seen her she was there when we filmed the documentary and then just to hear her tell the stories of of Seven people in a basement all like four guys and then you would have girls over And then you would have to go upstairs and take the coke out of her crib And she's just sitting there saying it while she's eating some chicken. It's fucking crazy We all lived downstairs me her uncle her two uncles

And we how old is she now she's 33 or something 34. This is all went down the summer of 84 I had lived there since 81. I knew them since grandma school, but I had you know, she was born Uh, what she was a baby's mama, you know, she was born with some guy at the bar and Then the mother married the dude and the dude died about four years ago. It was a good fucking dude Ex marina used to call him Rambo Good fucking people good fucking people, you know, so Uh, kelly was here from uh another friend of ours becky My wife the baby and lee, you know, fucking the baby goes nuts. She just runs dog

You got to plan her outing. I know exactly she'll eat get entertained and she's got shit to do She's gonna check around the rest of my niece is a light. They just take off. They just take off So you got uh, yeah, such a great age to where you just you know Do whatever you want. So it's a fucking living reality show in front of me every day. I see a dancing before Some Spanish videos one she knew the words she was dancing. She was doing the hand movements It's pretty fucking funny to see and my wife is knocking it out with her. So god bless the both of them They had a great time They went to the zoo and took the thing they she has she has the zoo pass for the fucking year

So they go to the zoo on wednesdays. They got nothing to do. They just drive to the zoo for two hours Who better than you? They seem like a real is less weak. Yeah Well, it was crazy because she would just she was sitting there and then she would come up to you and take your hand And she just paraded you around the restaurant. Yeah, she's like, let's go. We gotta go There's nothing funnier than seeing joey Diaz long a two year old around a nice steakhouse and she grabs your finger and she's like, um He's gotta go. That's it. You can't fight her in there because she'll We went outside. We walked to fucking 10 minutes. It was just great went to uh

Sacramento this week. I want to give some shots. Oh, you're at the punchline. Fuck. Yeah, that's a great easy week great club Both punchlines are just designed. Oh Perfectly, uh star dome set. What's up that don't want to hire me. What are you talking? I want to go down there. I want to go down there. I love you. I want to go to alabama Yeah, dude. I just came back. That's the place berm and how many times do you go down there? That's my first time man. I haven't been I haven't been back there since the vince von torre Really? Yeah, and it's beautiful Yeah, man, the fucking the room is like a theater the way it's set up and you know, it's it's cool

It's intimate, but it's you know, you get about 400 something people in there. It's nice Good times, man. Anywhere in the south is a good time with me though. I'm a little dirty So after 18 minutes, they realize who they are and where they're from And they tighten up a little bit and it's tough to work with for a few days You start beating your fucking self up. You're like, why am I eating shit? And they and they like the little chatty chat and then after the show they'll come up to you and go That was the best I've ever seen you sit there and go. What the fuck you talk to the whole fucking thing and you'll stand at me Like can you notice when that happens because I just talked about that on my podcast

It really bugged me when I was at that when I was at the show the speaking these people thought they were at a bar During our show during our show and they just would not they were switching seats It was somebody's birthday and they're all the way in the back and the break and the that place is a big club But and the club didn't do anything about it And I I just moved seats because I just couldn't pay that couldn't like I they were so loud I couldn't hear the comics do Yeah, it's people. I don't know what the fuck to thank you man. It just it's it's gotten progressively worse I think since I mean I've been doing it almost 17 18 years now

And from when I first started to now it seems like crowds tend to be a lot more chatty The clubs the younger younger people too, man clubs come and talk to you know, like what do you want us to do? Well, what what do I want you to do? I don't want you to take somebody and throw them the fuck out Or yeah, I don't want to be okay. The common behavior is you're there You laugh and listen you're gonna have to talk you think what do you think? I don't fucking go to comedy clubs I think I didn't go to comedy club because you got to sit there like a mute for an hour and 30 minutes Try that chill, you know, you can't do that people gonna talk

They're between talking and they're between not having fucking class. Yeah Well, there's a difference between talking and being disruptive. That's shit. You see an ari show That's probably because they gave away free tickets Uh, okay, and they have no value involved in the fucking tickets. So they go there and jump on left people pay a hard $22 They're not going to go to get thrown out. Yeah, or make noise. It's it's really weird what you see You know, it's embarrassing when People are fucking trying real hard. I don't think they give an ari's tickets away anymore

That was great with the fucking stern thing, wasn't it? Yeah, it's the brand prop. Yeah The brand probably always gives away ticket when you sell out of not so they have an out Yeah, but we gave away two full ones. Yeah, we were talking about melly and I how every time I go to a club Saturday night is the first one sold out. Saturday night has had 150 on Monday when I worked braya Man, we got to go to a couples.com and give away. What are you talking about? The guy was dropping his pants on friday night with death squad. They're stoners They don't they don't even get the fucking med till solo to eat saturday Joey Diaz is in braya. So this fucking moron down there was dropping his pants on monday two for ones

Really quick. They're talking about stoners when I did weeds. I did two episodes of weeds, right? I got hit up by a guy that was like, hey, man, you want it was 420 or something And if you want to go to dc and smoke we're having and we wanted people from you know And I had like a little guest star. I played an Armenian guy that killed her husband. I don't know if you ever seen the show You ever watch a show? Yeah a long time. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, yeah, you know, you would So it's not like, you know, it was a good good role But you know what year was it see end of season two beginning of season three That was the best years of their life. That's when I was in the kitchen with the ground and that after that it went downhill

After that they that show had all the potential to be one of the greatest shows of all time early on But the funny part was they asked me a week before they wanted me there like Like oh, hey, man, you know, I'm like, dude, it's fucking short notice You know like I can't get a ticket But even if you did you don't smoke weed. No, I don't so you don't know But you know, it's crazy. I was telling my father you smoke a shit load man And uh, I used to have to pick the seeds out as a kid for you know, because I had little fingers he'd be like take the seeds out right and uh

Now I mean that's why I was always wondering how those buds work, but I guess you have the grinder thing That's how I like listen. I take this shit apart of my fingers. That's part of the old school weed That's how they used to do it old school. I take my own two papers. I glue them together. I rip half of it That's part of the karma. That's part of the full patois that makes you become one with the mother fucking reefer You crack open this fucking reefer You're so awesome. I can't even but the shit's stronger now, right? Sure. They you know, this is to It's so tightly packed. You can't even pop it. No, I had a piece of ash in there. This is ice's hash What's that now? I'll make your head pop out

And then I got this shit right here. You don't have to cut your head off. You take a head of that your head just pops And you got this shit But it's too wet to crack up with your fingers So I let it dry till I tonight I take this home and I put in a piece of paper I put in the fucking draw a wooden draw when I get up in the morning It's nice and dry like I like and it just goes I take that hash I crunch that hash up and make a master mix Like the dj whatever in 84 DJ funk master and I put that mother fucking a pipe in my balcony in the back

And I'll spark that fucking savage up and by 7 15. I'm dropping now like tomorrow. I gotta go for a blood test I'll get stoned To the gills before that fucking blood test. I throw that whole fucking denomination off Blood's gonna be green That's the point. Well, see here's the thing. Lee if you didn't get the seeds out, right? If they smoke it that shit would pop or blows up. Okay. Yes, like blows up it stops lighting I remember one time I had weed that somebody crushed the seeds and put it back on the weed to put the weight to it Yeah, try to fucking rip you off because usually people sell you the weed with the seeds

But if there's too many seeds you'll complain These people took the seeds out and then rolled it back when you rolled it Every 10 minutes every 10 seconds the joint would turn off Every time I turn the seed yeah turns off every 10 seconds So when they say it's healthier now, right? You just smoke with like the humidifiers and stuff over the paper, right? Yeah, but they don't get the fuck if you're walking on ice you might as well dance, you know what I'm saying I'm gonna smoke, you know, when you go to these doctors as a person They said, well, do you have this and and that's great to smoke with a vape and I encourage it

But what they do is they throw the fucking kids off. There's too much confusion Right, I smoke with this everybody's trying to be Johnny cool. Just roll the fucking joint. You shut your fucking mouth Right. Well, they're trying to act like it's healthy. I mean, you're right. Just own it. If it's just that it's not healthy Yeah, there was smoking that shit with a paper at when Jesus at the last supper Then they smoked that wood stock if it worked for them, it's gonna work for you But everybody wants to be Johnny cool. No, I have this device. I have this device. All right How are you Lee? What's going on in your world? I can already feel it. No, but it's supposed to be feeling Lee It's so what's going on? You were gonna fucking siren. No, I'm not saying she didn't enough

Why don't you go take a look at charlouge Bronson and see if that fucking you want to eat half a star to tame you Down a little bit set time. I'm cool, man. No, no, no, you need a half a star like a little fucking. He's gonna kill you Lee Yeah This is 25. Oh by the time when you first started working here, you had a full head of hair and abs pretty much He's got you on the uncle joey transformation diet That's nothing what do you mean there's nothing you can eat this in your sleep By the way, the fact that he put it in his mouth and then threw it on the table and you're gonna throw it in your mouth Make sure you're fucking all his asshole just now before I came in and breathe down

You didn't call me and told me that you wanted to finger somebody's a girl's asshole and then make her sniff it and lick it He thought that was hysterical today Huh eat the fucking thing. Well, you don't worry about the chick with the asshole in the finger What are you talking about? I don't know. Why would I take a chicken's finger and make a smell of finger? That's dude That's what I'm going to fucking die. That's why I over here. Lee. How old are you again? 26? Jesus Christ Do you know what I was doing? Do you know what I mean? Yeah, my dear at 26, I was smoking a kilo eating 22 monos. He's got it easy He's eating fucking three little stars of death. His hands are shaking

That's chug night shirt. He's wearing that dude. That was brilliant His fucking hands are shaking Why are your hands shaking, Lee? I don't know. I didn't even know they were I'm scared to even ask You were family. What do you think I'm gonna shoot you? I don't even know the mind. I didn't even know they were shaking Oh my god hysterical So, what's uh, what's the job? What's up? What's going on man? We're gonna play some music or what? Just trying to put the pieces together, you know every fucking monday start to hold the week. I'm home for four weeks That's good. I mean I gotta go to san diego and shoot that's like a second home

But uh, not for me. I don't like Thursday nights at san diego. I go only go down for what are you going to madhouse? He's doing a story the other one american comic american comic that place is great man. It's a great room, but you know, I Like the store. I love the store. You're a la hoya guy, too Yeah, I mean la hoya and then you know, I know I've done that american comedy club. That's a beautiful come on I'm gonna do la hoya to the next time. I'm gonna do line them up Maybe like in september. What is it now? March? Maybe it's right. What's the matter, Lee? You look at the microphone Nothing's the matter I just you're thinking about you get the anxiety in your own mind before it even starts

You already see yourself at the hospital a mask So he's breathing having you think I'm saying Between you and him I felt like I'm listening to a prank phone call. Oh for good Like fucking Darth Vader is interviewing. I don't have anxiety. I'm just fucking high. I wasn't even thinking about anything You think you always think I'm nervous. I'm just sitting here like when I was in the seventh grade There was little fat Cuban kid who wasn't all day. He was half fucking retarded mixed with everything else Like he's definitely in a prison. Yeah His name was Orlando salsado

And he would uh, we would shop lift bubble gum hubba-bubba. Yeah, we would go to shop right right behind McKinley school and we would shop lift bags of hubba-bubba and What's the other one that hubba-bubba? Yeah, bubble yum Bubble yum and hubba-bubba one got really hard like one turns into like a meteor. I think it's bubble yum After you chew it's 20 minutes. I think it's bubble yum the pink one. Yeah, it turns into like a fucking meteor There was a one memory they said about spider eggs were in it. That's it. That's it hubba-bubba hubba-bubba It was hubba-bubba hubba-bubba

This lady her name was ethyl Welsh And we had maybe six savages in that class. I mean she had a kid charlie gizzy Who I knew in the seventh grade was going to be a killer and when he got out of high school he killed them Maybe there's always that one kid man. There was there was a little click of this this classroom This neighborhood had Dougie Jimenez who was a killer? Colombo who ended up going to marines to kill people this class proved but like there's always that one kid That's like like he's always outside like that one kid with like no adult supervision We had a couple of them and then the Cuban invasion you had those kids that were they didn't speak the language

You know that's so weird in Miami and north bergen McKinley held them till they were 17 and they ate great until they could drive themselves to school Then they would put them in high school So these kids became little fucking savages But there was this one kill land though, so I'll say that we would go up there and rob And we had to be you know lunches at 12 and you had to come back at one and by 145 He would become like a fucking devil and he would start making noise This desk and he'd go Just every like

Was he high? No, it was we were too young together. We were getting high, but he wasn't he was suspecting Every life fucking four minutes Is that why you call me and say that to me? I didn't even say when Oh my god, how can I not do it? It was when we had this kid, right? Oh my god Listen, he stole a fucking ambulance man, right this because this kid was out of his tree and it's a famous story in Pasek It was on main avenue in front of the quick check fucking ambulance pulls up drivers get out

Matt jumps in puts the sirens on and just fucking took off man And he didn't even go anywhere. He was just doing laps and shit, right? and uh Then um the cops like they blocked him in and then they do they beat the fuck That's what they're doing is to fucking and they throw him in the back of the ambulance I actually tell that story of my act man. I swear to god, dude It's it was and it's a famous story everybody talks about that this kid was out of his fucking tree, man We had this kid in that class. We had like six killers. I was this kid in that class

His name was Michael. I like I like read it Right off the buck From Italy or Cuba? Italy. Oh, yeah, he couldn't talk that by level and he wouldn't talk But we used to he used to have his own noise and he used to go So lando be going And then this uh with and this kid was why would it make it noises because it would drive f for wash crazy She was like 62 the other thing whenever we played hockey and we hit fucking The Italian kid in the shins he go. I

Historically you can't write this shit. So it was him carlos al dava I mean, it was just alberto ali and they crazy after all these years you can fucking remember Oh my god, because that was such a piece of my childhood. That's who you are today as a comedian Like I had the comedy of the ali brothers. Here. We are 12 They were 15 him and his brother Alberto was sharp. His younger brother was a fucking Retard that had the face of a human, but he was a He was a mongoloid all the way

And whatever his brother told him to do was Alberto and Alfredo some because I told the Alberto story when I hit him In the head with the rock Is that the story you told that the coffee shop where you threw it from the other side of the building? I hit him in the head with the rock and we kept going. I Are you the middle? I mean tell me it's better. He had a fucking lump with a white head in the middle I used to hit him with light bulbs that would blow up from Duratest, but these two brothers Guys, I want you to focus on this. This is how crazy, you know

Because you try to tell people these stories and they look at you like, okay, so this guy's throwing them It's all right, but let me ask you do you think it's just jersey though because jersey was a fucked up place This was just where you have this mixture the time But these kids did shit. That was just uh You the way they turned out and they were hilarious. Our goal was to knock most well shot So every afternoon after 10 minutes of wow She would go, okay turn your books over. Let's wait for meet the noise to end and she'd sit And she'd go everybody make noises then the whole class would just start making sheep noises and shit

And she finally one day she just left She was 60 something years old She could her miss virgo with the oldest teachers in north bergen history Wait, she just left and never came back. She had a different teacher. She fucking came back. She got she got lost for a while We had mr Miss We had a couple substitute teachers that yeah, and they tapped out too It was always good though to get a when you had a sub you were

We were savages that clap richie colombo That richie colombo. I seen him attack john burrow in the seventh grade, man You know, this is fucking hard fucking kids. I saw a mr. Wait, wait, can you explain drum brone is the teacher? It's not like another We're talking about no, I know who he is don't say you remember he told the story that richie colombo came back to kill king Well, he went to the marines and he came off barone told the story of how 10 years later he goes One day i'm at the grammar school and I look up and here's richie colombo that's fucking moron

With a marine suit on with his fucking sniper rifle looking for king well the seventh grade teacher And he could stop and goes richie. What's up because i'm here reporting for duty. I'm killing Earl king. Well Richie, are you fucking? But what would king will do he just king will was a scumbag king was okay king will was a seventh grade teacher Was he like touching kids or something? No, no, no, he smacked you and he punished you and he punched That's the other thing people don't know you get teachers used to smack the shit out of you back today This guy would pinch your ear. He would punch you in the side He would hit you in the kidney punch and this would happen to him

He used to the first day of school of the last day of school You always go into the teacher's class you're going to be in in my school system So they tell you who's you're gonna be a teacher going there and spending an hour with him He tells you what he expects from you blah blah blah First thing Earl king will goes all right. You have a summer assignment So people hated him right off the bat. He was a scumbag. He flicked your ears. He didn't like me I pulled a quick one on him. He did not like me. But the time I got there He already had a reputation and I had a reputation. So I let him know right off the bat

You fucking touch me one time And my family will be here smacking the fuck out of you Anybody who was a history buff look it up What was the guy before for del Castro? Oh, um, I'll tell you right now. Batista offence. Yo, but he's to have a driver That's the one was Michael Corley on how to deal with his father's Batista's bodyguard was my ding bed is During the Batista regime right before they threw Batista over they used to set different cars with different people

And they sent like they would send me with you in the back because you look like Batista But I'm really Martin Perez and they gunned down Martin Perez They shot Martin Perez a hundred times the machine. So wait, did your family your family were Batista supporters? No, no, who the fuck knows I don't say when they fucking know I have no idea I'm telling you about Martin Perez Martin Perez lived and they put him in north bergen with his father Martin Perez used to sit on the couch like a half a mom all day when you go over there He wouldn't put his shirt on he'd be smoking a cigar and you'd see the bullet wounds through his body

But mr. Kingwell made a mistake one day and hit Martin Perez And threw him out of the class at 11 at 10 to three you heard And then over the door it was Martin Perez his father came out of the fucking wheelchair Really he was six for four and he walked on he goes. I'm gonna do to jew What'd you do to my son? He beat him up in front of the class So that ended the reign of him hitting him in front of people he would punch people To me he kept breaking my balls. He wanted to see my mother I paid this dude from the bar 50 bucks to come down and see he was saved as my brother

And that my mother was on my in miami on business So the next time he's like no no brothers this time. I want to meet your mother During my mother's meeting he goes last time I called for you on miami and I was like, what are you talking about? I had pulled a quick one on him my fucking mom beat me up right at the fucking school But Earl king will left me back to boo. Okay, not but it wasn't my fault. It was my fuck up I was never mad at all king will fill up me back. Oh king will just had a heavy hand They like to smack kids But a couple parents got in his face and smacked them back

We said corporal punishment where you know to teach with paddle you in front of the class I should pull my pants down and smack your ass and we had the uh I meant one time um Well, this is crazy too. I was telling my wife this the other day when I was a kid My mom would send me to the store for cigarettes. You know, I get a pack of marbolo lights in a hardbox Fucking eight or nine. You can put it on credit. Yeah, and they just get into the kids I come back with wine She'd pick up the big jug that the fucking guinea wine and the and the cheap guinea wine

All they have to do is call it. Yeah, just say hey down there. Give him wine and whatever. He's gonna bring you 20 Dollars give him an ice cream Give it to him and they would they'd sell you cigarettes or they deliver it. They deliver it I I don't you know, you put up a good question. Was it the neighborhoods or I don't know. I had a I had a very good time growing up and I've always said that I had a And after my mother died, yes, uh, emotionally I had a bad time But what was going on outside me was so much laughter That it carried me through the heart. Well, you know what it is

Joe is that even when you tell stories like, you know, even me like people sometimes like where the fuck are you from? I'm I mean because some of this shit like, you know, my buddy stealing an am I try You know, I changed my grade. I saw the teacher's grade book one time That was fucking and I and made like a 60 and 80 I used to sell the teachers editions like in the second grade at ps 166 And that's why I transferred to catfish school Yeah, but like we were always doing always always trying to out crazy the next kid You were always streetie. I was always very streetie. My mother didn't like me to be streetie, but she did

She didn't want me to be nervous. She either I started out to be nervous But I enjoyed the other side. I enjoyed how Kids knew how to make a buck when there was six and seven I like how kids would say they would cut you in like, listen, if you help us, we'll give you a dollar If we get $10,000, you're like, are you fucking sit? So if I help you carry this to this guy's house at two in the afternoon groceries You'll give me a dollar plus the tip You love that either you like that or not either you're one of those kids that likes that or you want to go home and play

Nintendo And I'm always always trying to make money. So even though I had money at home. I gotta ask my mom for a 20 I enjoyed that. I always enjoyed See, I was we had no we had no money at home You know, our mom had the bars that was always cash for the numbers So me and Keith like my little brother, we dressed up as Boy Scouts collect money That was fucking strong little scam. We used to crack the pay phones On the side. I don't know if you remember like it's still there if you see them

They have like the key where the keyhole is right the key it holds you smack that fucking thing when a hammer hard enough And a screwdriver the whole thing cracks. Yeah, and then all the change comes out. We used to do that shit all the time Fucking uh, uh, my little brother. We how did you figure that out? Huh? How did you figure it out? Um, actually, I'll tell you exactly how I figured it out. Um is Uh, you know, you check for coins, right, you know, you put your finger in there It was just uh, it was just hard like you couldn't push in there and then you would hear it rattle You understand and all the change was in there and the the box that they kept it in With that when I've seen it was it was just cracked

So I don't know if some fucking drug drug addict did it and then I just figured, you know, if you fucking I just try to duplicate it But then yeah, if you there's there you can just smack it. We just used a hammer But there's the screwdriver thing, you know what else I remember is the old school, uh, how do you get time on the meter? I don't know if you remember used to do this where you would You know the ones you put the coin in and you turn Yeah, you would hold a half mass and then smack it with a fucking shoe and then the thing would just stick somehow We used to do that shit all the time. I had something I had the the We used to sell phone dollars even years ago

I had the the paper clip and I would do those when I go to Los Feliz the pizza that pizza place and They have a cup which is selling April 1st. He sold it The only one I ever had was you know the coke machines that have a conveyor belt that bring it to you Like a couple years ago If you could they used to make it so you could put your hand in and if you stopped it from the coke from coming out It would think there was a mistake So it would give you your money back and then you could get another one

So you could get like a bunch for the price of one and that's the only scam I ever did Some people had like the the masking tape on the dollar bill and you just put it in and rip it back out But I never tried that one. I never tried that We had the friend who got the bank money deposit with a fishing line and a hook Oh, wow the night depository and he got it denny be uncool. Those brothers. I know that was the first time he ever It's not a good story He was about 14 and he tipped the cab driver like 200 And that's who were out of the mountain cab driver. Really? Yeah, they just called all the cabs

I went to the airport that night and he was one of the cabs and they said you take a kid. Yeah, I did In fact, he tipped me 200 Here's where he stayed Now we did the um, uh, he did a little but you know stupid shit We used to have the phone dialers. I don't know if you had those where If you put it up to a payphone like I don't know if you remember putting change in it And it would make that noise that click a click click click click click right, but it was a recording of that noise So you would put it to the receiver and hit it and the phone would read that a coin drop

So that was it. Yeah, so you would if you hit it four times and you put a dollar in so you can make phone calls and shit You sell them to like the uh, uh, you know, like the the immigrants and stuff would use it to call home Call overseas or you know to call international because it was like 16 17 dollars. They're calling long distance on a payphone I don't know if we remember that shit. That's what I think that the children of today lack Like even the base the pay the basic paper route Absolutely the paper route was the American American way. It was something that I remember splitting the paper out like that's how you got a paper out like I wanted even though I knew how to make uh money on the street doing fucked up things

Selling stickers from cyo basketball You steal the stickers and you sell them and you steal them back and For two dollars, but two dollars adds up when you're fucking 16 and 12 Two dollars times eight is 16 fucking dollars. That was an album when I was growing up. That's an album That's a pair of fucking converse high tops, dude. Listen to this my buddy. This is the greatest scam you've ever heard it for a kid Show you know you shovel walks for cash, right? There would be like five whatever they'll pitch in five ten dollars. Then they would go to the to the um Flower shop and buy a big-ass christmas wreath for like 40 30 40 dollars

That's like, you know, I was in the 80s. It's like three thousand dollars today Then they were going to different neighborhoods that didn't know them and they would knock on the door with the wreath Trying to sell it, you know, take deposits for it and shit like for the for the holidays You understand like, you know Say, oh, yeah, we're selling for the church and this is this beautiful wreath and they're only 30 bucks All you need is like a 10 dollar deposit and had the drop sheet where they write their names down Take the 10 bucks and just go take deposits for the wreath. You'd be surprised how many people Dude, are you fucking serious? It's a 40 dollar wreath that they're selling for 30 for the church or for the school or for whatever they came up with

and you get the 10 dollar Deposit so they would get deposits from all the houses, you know, nobody gets the wreath But then if you saw an old lady, you'd give it to the old lady trying to make a few people's express That was my big one. Look at Lee's face. It's fucking red like his little fucking uh, daisy duke show. What's it guys? It's chug night show chug night show. He looks like chug night tonight. He really does Do you do you guys ever get the chug a night pretty much? Do you guys ever get the people in the in like SUVs they'll come up to you and they'll be like I have speakers. Yes. I saw those acoustic

Oh my god, and they always like oh, it's not on and they always have a piece of paper It's not on it's not on my order form. I can give it to you for 90 Listen to me. I don't know who falls for listen to me a lot of people a lot of college students when I would lived in Tallahassee or bricks on them or something. No, no, no, they're speakers. They're just shitty speakers But they're there we we you get them from california actually back then when we were in tallahassee My buddies were fucking really good at this and you order these they're called acoustic speakers And they would come in and you just pull up the gas stations and say hey now here's the scam You act like they're stolen and you're trying to act like they're not stolen, but they're really not stolen

Does that make any sense? Right? So you're like listen I had this delivery and you make the story sound shady so people Think they're stolen and you're trying to act like they're not does that make any sense? So they're really not stolen you're they're paid for they're just really bad I got this thing. I was right. Right. Absolutely. I didn't make the delivery. They usually go for 100. Give me 50 So I think at the time they were like 30 bucks a pair and you could sell them for like 200. This was back in 91 92 But you would order like like, you know, $500 worth of speakers or a thousand and you could make triple your money almost, you know

You had a van to pull up in the gas station to people and shit happened to me the last week in hollywood And I just don't ever buy them. No, so but why why would you want people to think that they're stolen? Because you want them to think that it's that's you want that that it's a good pair of like in other words You want them to think that they're getting a deal You understand, but here's the problem Once you leave the east coast, it's very tough to sell sell stolen Merchant nice unless the person has grown up in that culture It's very hard people won't buy it. I tried in colorado in boulder. I used to have $30,000 Rolex watches

People would look at me like I was fucking crazy. Well, that's you know back home like even there You would you want to buy shit? Well, yeah, you'd see do you know a guy that has this and then if they said no They don't then you went to the fucking store into the fucking store, but that's the that's a different time man It's very tough to sell thing. You know, there's a couple movies. There's a movie called with a family business with Dustin Hoffman and Matthew Broderick and Sharon Connery and they play an irish family that they're the thieves But in that movie they have a recurring character That just sells shit every time you see the guys. Excuse me

I got some Vince Verrigamo shoes 300 up and down Madison Boulevard. I got them for you for 100 bucks What are you nine fucking d like, you know those foot sizes you see him at the bar you see him at wakes He shows up to the wake at the wake. He's like you see like guys come in with a fucking, you know Whatever and they're like coming up to him like how you doing all day long. Sorry. Yeah, sorry. Good priest father How are you doing? Listen? I got Vince Verrigamo shoes 80 up and down the boy. He's got the same rap for everything My uncle boy. He's not my uncle. I say he's my uncle because he grew up, you know Once again, you know, you know what we do cousins uncles some of them but he he had uh, I went by the house

And uh, he was my grandfather's best friend And he goes me goes, hey, have you seen the new Paris Hilton video, right? And I said, uh, no Come with me. He opens the fucking he's got all these remember the Paris Hilton when she had sex that sex tape He had all the fucking DVDs and and he goes here take one then he goes What size are you? 10 and a half fucking had shoes left with a plate of fucking rigged Tony I'm like that's only only in my family you leave a porn fucking shoes and and and a fucking nice little plate of food

When I was a kid there was a family in north bergen Who I was fond of them, but not really like they had four kids and two of them were cool The other two were like they knew what the father did. Yeah, but as we got older the brother came to me They're the jerk off guy. It's like, you know, my father. They used to fucking yeah. Yeah, but the oldest one was really The real deal as a human being to the point where This people stay away from the oldest one and he's not involved in anything no family He's just out there. He did time for murder in a car I mean when we were kids he used to really see the devil

On blow and if you put aro smith on he would lose his fucking mind And he ended up going to prison for running over somebody and I remember 94 We'd be playing basketball and he'd be on a bicycle like part of the deal for him together It was like listen, you can't even have car keys on you So he's always on a bicycle which made him get in good shape But whenever he drove passes on a bicycle people would just freeze like it's freaky and they would just freeze So he wouldn't like debo and friday. Yeah, like he was that scary not big or

Whatever, but every the point being when I was about 17 I got into gambling and somebody goes call him He says you could put bets on them every time you went down that collector was always a story. Yeah And there was always a One size of you come on up to the garage the garage guys It was tough to close the garage Like he would have to push things in and close the garage door and they would land again He would have to put his foot he had two of those and in those two garages. He had one of everything

You name it one of everything and it was one size left like it was the bottom of the shipment But he held on to it till he had somebody would just go come in give this to some kid on this homeless No, no, no, no, no I remember leaving this like beating them for 300 gambling But leaving with 100 because now I got a leather jacket that's a 2x even though then I wasn't I was only like an l right, but he talked you into it. That's how good he was. There's those type of people that just have Shit out in the house. I'm in 94 my stepdad took me to these buildings in west new york Where the people would rent apartments and basically it was just hot stuff

Clothes and blenders and everything was in boxes. I mean fucking six seven a lot of real fucking suits Remember that's how I got started selling cars. He took me to this thing. I spent like $2,000 And I got three Tremendous suits and like five a lot of fucking shoes with the thick soles real fucking communist shoes Not that shit. You get a pay lesson. You think you've all the they're italian fucking whatever that's not italian Fuck look at the shape of that fucking morta dollar What's up dog is going on nothing. I'm good man. I know you're good. But why is your face all red talk to me? What do you mean? Why do I feel right now close your eyes? I feel really fucking good morta down

Oh my god Show you feel good. I gave you the the magic. You know how many people live to get this combination People don't live after they have this combination jersey stories jersey story south for the stories are fucked up, too, man Well, that's a crazy area. That's fucking always been crazy down there, man. That's what people know When they're just too crazy they lose everything was drugs man. Yeah, everything is drugs everything everything is drugs steroids ecstasy drugs, uh, well, uh, coke Uh, like, you know, that's all like that's just all like I mean well in my high school There was a lot of steroids and shit, but

You know, I uh, but it was it's a different time. Everything's changed man. It is it doesn't seem like Little kids hustle like they used to man I mean, we were always hustling washing cars in Boston a couple kids got arrested because they were shoveling They're going around shoveling driveways and some people got a got mad. Can you believe that? That's crazy. Can you believe that? That's how the kid does and and and A kid in my position when I was that age and I'm not Embarrassed to say this. I was very spoiled my mother if I just asked her my dad had died Right, so she did that you were like Cartman, right? Whatever I wanted just took me a week to get you were Cuban Cartman

And uh, I didn't ever really had to do half the things I did at that age But I enjoyed them when I used to go to 140 acer. I'd see these kids and they inspired me They had you know, I had a air conditioning in my room These kids lived in a room with their mothers and fathers in the living room Thrown around the fucking floor, you know the the bedroom was for clothing and you know, they had one And I couldn't even tell them how I lived they'd asked me that'd be embarrassed to tell them because But they taught me they they inspired me that you had to move every day and you had it and I never forgot their hustle They always shook down somebody but legitimately they weren't bad kids like they just tell you the truth

You know at night when you leave and you're standing island sleeping somebody's breaking your window We're gonna protect your fucking window. You know, they were different kids. I never I forgot their names over the years But they taught me that gift and that's what kids are lacking today that they don't really Well, what's even more crazy is like a grandparent like my grandfather went, you know, they were my he was uh Doing construction at like 12 man. He was driving trucks because you know, you know, he was driving down the dirt roads back then my family, you know, they were all from jersey city and uh, uh, uh You know when they were younger, man, you know, they all worked my grandfather and he can get past sixth sixth grade

I think what was the first time you got behind the seat of a car? Uh, uh, well, I stole it. I was in a stolen car in middle school. Um, but we used to these these two brothers, uh We don't leave Allen venny what we don't nothing No, they just something off the mic stand. We're cool. He looks like his lips are fucking falling off Yeah, it feels like it. He's hammered. No, Allen venny They they had this mail truck that they took and they rebuilt it like this This the kid like that had the mini bike that they could build every typical guineas with the, you know, the grease monkeys

They fix everything, right? So we had a a mail truck That we used to drive around in Um, but it was on the you know, the other side. So the first time I learned what is it with mail trucks in that? You had a mail truck too to fuck around it. No Well, they used to be at the dump at the jump show at the at the jump at the at the dump And then you would take it and they could fix it up start it and go But the funny thing is is that I've been driving since I was like 11 or 12 But when my mother tried to teach me how to drive I had to act like I didn't know how

You know, like she's like i'm gonna teach you when I want to get my prior to already knowing how How were you when you got behind her? I'm 15 16. Yeah me too. I was I was petrified. You didn't drive. I was no I didn't want to I had no need for it. I didn't want I didn't like cars I wasn't attracted to cars as a kid Right because you any and then when my mother died I used to hang out with this dude from time to time his name is mike denny and his father owned A ship reconstruct contracting company

So when your ship came into town, they went in they painted all the garbage they took the barnacles off your ship They put rostoleum on they rebuilt the floors with the water when it was leakage with uh That special kind of proply wood and they did everything at night So They got really busy and I used to hang out with mike the devil that's what they used to call him the devil When he was a kid they called him the devil. You know what the devil is today What's his last name denny mike denny today? He's in a prison in north carolina for killing his wife I mean this kid because I know a kid from paterson with that nickname this kid was the fucking devil when we were kids

From right around and he was right around my block there in north bergen and they came to me when they goes listen My father needs help and he really likes you. You know as your mom died You know how to drive you want to drive with us at night and I'm like I can't drive a stick So from six to ten I drive to hoboken pier I go to newark pier and I just drop off little tanks, you know, you just fucking drove you never driven before this Never He taught me how to drive after two weeks. I said i'm scared. I don't want to do it no more. He goes Jesus fucking christ

And he called his brother who had a driving school like down the shore The brother came didn't check any paperwork And just gave me a driver's license just like fucking that came to this thing. It's like don't worry I think it's 16 and a half. You got to learn this permit 16 you get a permit and you can have you Get a license in new jersey of florida's 15 and then 16 to drive in new jersey 16 to get a permit 17 to drive That's too fucking young. You're still fucking wet behind. He is no one of these kids fucking died That's too fucking young to give a kid a fuck. Did you ever get in an accident when you were young? No, I'm not gonna Well, you're not still young

I Like I told you guys I was never a big car guy when I was a little kid I was mentioned once you're not supposed to get in strange people's cars and that's something I live by You know when I'm out of these places people always hit me up. Hey, there's a great restaurant here There's a great jiu-jitsu here and the first thing I say is can I walk towards from the club? If they say no, I ain't doing I don't get in strange cars since I was a kid You know something that was instilled in me when I was eight and I'm 50 now I don't need to rent the car when I'm in a comedy town

But we literally the kid that stole the ambulance is the one that stole the car and we were driving around and we would Go joy riding on the fucking time. Yeah, I'm never like stolen car. That was a big thing when we were kids too Yeah, I'm never like jersey. They used to love to steal cars. I never liked it at all. Yeah, I know I could tell you I'm fine. Yeah, I'm not enough. I never I never understood how you wanted to sit In the fucking evidence. Yeah, like that to me never made sense Like there's no getting out of that when you're 12. Yeah, they chase you I didn't like that. I had a friend hosé or title another guys that went to robin cars Dude, I would love to write a movie about that night that what had happened. There was four of us

Two of us got caught and me and my buddy Al this kid Al is He was always like that kid. He like I said before he's outside He knew he knew the streets inside and out this kid come spot a fucking unmarked car a mile away So what happened was we ditched it and we all took off and my my other two friends, this kid Matt and Steve They went one way me and Al went the other They ended up getting caught but that night from where we were to get back to to trying to get home on the railroad tracks It was a fucking crazy night, man. It's kids. It's like a stand by me Write the script and suspense. It's a stay. It's a stand by me. Totally. Write the fucking script and suspense. You know what I'm saying?

What does the ant suspences mean? Keep us suspended Every three weeks a script is coming. Don't worry about nothing Well, you love driving now. You drive scary. Like you he'll he'll be he'll be high as high as I am or higher Driving down the one-on-one. Look a shit night. Do a 90 Michigan night is all is all fucking Michigan and night is all banged up Michigan and night I like driving because I'm driving Yeah, but you do 90 and you beat the cops doesn't fuck that's better than somebody else driving. You don't know where the fuck you're going

That's true. Dude. Let's kick some music. So don't worry about it. There's a reason There's a method for my man. We got music. What's tony better to get this party started? I want to be around you get all tuned up. You forget about tony better. I didn't forget. Yes. You take cocksucker We should put some on for lee. It's monday 45 minutes It's a beautiful jam These mushrooms are kicking in the red devil's kicking in They've been kicked in. Why don't you put on the jewish Elvis, man?

No, don't worry about nothing little neil diamond. What the fuck is this lee? Sorry He's nothing. Who's jewish Elvis? Don't worry about neil diamond. Fucking neil diamond. Just don't worry about neil diamond Just fucking leave tony better than that. He's shit. Don't worry about neil diamond Just say fucking hebrew night at the shamala malamala You know what i'm saying? Whatever the shalom Uh center whatever shabbat shalom It's a great song So what do you want to put on the fucking jewish Elvis for leave this guy out? He didn't bother nobody

What's up lee syac cocksucker? Look at the shape. Yeah, you know, it's a shame lee. You don't even know the jewish Elvis is It's your own people. Can you imagine if this is what i got to deal with? You got one of the dopest fucking neil diamond Charles brotson they're all in the i know who neil diamond is time to go to fucking movies and museums The backbone of the jewish royalism I want you to do me a favor, lee. I want you to put on donna summa and barbra strisand Oh god, great summa carter park No, no, not macArthur park the uh, put the fucking thing on donna summa enough is enough Well, who is enough with barbra strisand enough is enough. We're going deep. Let me see if i can get on this

You get on the fire. You get on it. All right, and then you know, it's a great song too. Is it you eat that star? Let's get another one going heaven knows is great too. Let's get the fucking thing here. Let's get barbra strisand They get some bad. She's jewish too. You know, we ain't fucking around lee tonight the church or what's happened now The speak is off my ears. It's over. What do you got lee? What do you mean? Look at me. This is a bad. I hate these commercial the visa check card Fuck the visa check card lee's got on the control. Look at lee's, but lee, what's he doing? This i'm talking about. Lee's got on the control dog Lee you don't fuck around. Oh, look at this. It's not uh, there's only

By the way, did this tv come out of your friend's fucking garage as well? I was hoping it was going to be live, but no, it's just it's just we don't want it live you want this Yeah, that's what you want. You don't want to live this extended Fucking job kick this in the beginning. It's the best part Are you fucking kidding me five million views? Let's see how many people disliked it Nobody it's why you have five million views Yeah, I always know I always that always makes me laugh when these people fucking like i'm looking at pink floyd and there's like A hundred this like how did fuck you dislike pink floyd because they're fucking morons. They listen to whatever the fuck

Who would you clip first the jewish Elvis none of them look at these two you get those young faces Babs of nobody. Nobody fucks babs for starters. All right. She fucks you don't give up the fucking pussy just like that and shit Donna summer was hot though. Remember that movie. Thank god. It's friday tg. I don't remember dude. She was on a second. Come on Blast that shit lea I'm on mushrooms Was it the questions? I think it's a great question

Would you click Donna summer shampilovsky She looks just like it, don't you I'm on mushrooms. I love mushrooms. No What's your favorite? I'm gonna keep asking you questions out of fuck with you So what's your favorite Donna summer song that's that's what it is Are you fucking nuts people? Monday night irish people are somewhere fucking counting pennies starting already ready for tomorrow Here we are fucking playing Donna summer

Hey lea. What's joe's fucking twitter handle again at man flavor. That's what it is Here comes this one he kicks in Oh, here we go. There's an education people Fucking nuts Nate went to re on there spitting some fucking Oh, shit. Oh, no, this is too much. This is too. This is fucking great. This is jews and he don't touch your shit Buster Conorrod. Oh, shit. Oh, shit crocodile ghandi Get this

Oh, shit Are you fucking kidding me or what every fucking house you went through in 79 every mom would play This shit the second while she was cooking You're like mom, mom, mom relax. You ain't going nowhere. You're a fucking housewife that's second So shit. Yeah, your mom listed to cleaning Every fucking mom had this on It would drive you crazy. I heard this the other day on cxm I almost had a fucking nervous breakdown people. It's monday night the night before same patties

Get on your disco shoes. Mother fuckers. It's just starting here Me and the flying jew are going deep with another star in a minute here. It's only 9 30. He's a five star general two star two and a half star A two star general with a little bit of gummies your minus and mushrooms, but i'm very not low at that. I'm really happy that uh Like when I was a kid I I did it, but I didn't want people to know but after my mom died I had to learn how to do it And I just put the you know, you learn how to buy a hundred kwayloons and sell them for four dollars and You know give away four to get people in tice. It's your own little personal business

And that's what a lot of people that's it. You're a hundred percent business Then I started getting the ups and I was getting the ups for 40 for fucking a thousand of them And I would sell a thousand for 35 dollars So all I need to do is sell 200 of them and I was already in profit. I could eat 800 fucking ups I didn't I fucking sold them So you learn you learn how to cut corners. You know How to raise the price of mestling and raise, you know, lower the fucking price. It was just an amazing education You know how to dictate the market

You how to do it then cocaine came along and I'll tell you what there's so many people I taught how to like market code Like a lot of people would grind it up. I don't want my car. I want to see a rock in there You give somebody a rock and someone else will pay the extra 50 People want to go to the parties and go look at the rock I got from fucking joey Diaz You're following me. Nobody wants that but that carried that that carried a lot of weight back then What's that the sentencing back then man the who the sentencing back there if you get caught that shit was they They went after it for a while. They go after you for everything in this life, you know, it's when you're stupid and you have You know, you have a

Cause you have something to sell it for you don't even know why I didn't want to fucking work as a kid I know if I could sell an eight ball and I had $50 and I could snow in a gram of coke $50 in those days to go out with was 22 fucking cocktails a tip and white castle Well fucking someplace that gave you it's still like yeah, you know, so it was a difference in work, you know One one night you make 200 and that hundred went towards the rent once a week plus your expenses, you know It was a different so that's how you looked at it. I'm very happy. I took that education And I applied it later on, you know as I was it kept me up Jesus Christ how to borrow from Peter the PayPal It's a horrible way to fucking live

But sometimes you got to do it and I did that for you, you know starting comedy is not easy When you first start comedy it is fucking hard. Absolutely. And once you make the decision to do comedy full time There's a light, you know, and I didn't want to get that day job I I really had that stupid fucking Artist dream where you sit in your loft. There was no loft. I had a car with air conditioning. Thank god, you know and And there's a lot of times I could I didn't work and there's a lot of times I worked too I worked all the way to the end. I sold cigars on sunset I sold fucking cigars on sunset one second because I got here in 97 the boomer cigar

Oh, yeah, yeah, so they were selling cigars all over. Did you have a hookup in Cuba? No, no, no, I sold cigars for a fucking store. Oh, it's what Cuba I'm trying to be a comic $15 a spot. You think I'm making calls to Cuba get burnt Ernest and fucking get some cohipas in there Illegal swag the story on the street. I'm sorry. I guess I was out of line. Yeah, we knew some you're selling fucking kway ludes and I guess you can't sell a cigar at the time I was on sunset trying to be a comic So I didn't I wasn't really selling anything. I had just moved here. I was sleeping on a floor And that was what was available to me without a car

Was selling cigars on sunset. That's before I met any drug people. I started slinging dual coke here and there So but I hit a Taco Bell commercial for 80 grand My first year here. So I stopped the cigar business, but the cigar business was great I knew a lot of comics who was selling cigars. There was two places There was one by hoist walk on the second floor. You know where hoist walk is on sunset the break Yeah, it was like an it was and it's still a cigar store downstairs. Yeah. Yeah, it's still a cigar store They sold the guy upstairs made millions. That's when JJ's beepers were here JJ's beepers was who's the hooker that went to jail with uh, what's his name?

What's the famous oh, uh, Heidi Fleiss Heidi Fleiss He was Heidi Fleiss his partner when you fucking came to a lay those days There was a bunch of fucking beepers. There was a bunch of billboards. I said JJ's beeper the king of beeper With 799 they got a beeper. He's my main man. I love them right behind hoist walk right there Then the other cigar shop was two blocks up by the hotel. What's the crack hotel across from rock and roll ropes? Sahara, Sahara Once you pass the Sahara There's a street that makes her right right down the corner. There's a there's a photography place right on top

Wasn't there a place across the street from the store? Or is that's always I mean that's been there since I man. I think I got out of the blues No, it's to the left of that. There's a cigar bar right there. So go ahead. No, no, no, that's just that just came up Yeah, no, this is when you would call remember when you would go to bodegas in Harlem And you'd see fucking a case with cigars who you think sold those fucking cigars some fucking guy across the street from the county store No, us savages In fucking an LA that we would just call people go. Hey man, we have started sampling kits. Everybody wants a cigar right? Yeah, you got cigars there. No, we're gonna send you humidifier. It was no humidifier

It was a glass fucking case for 400 bucks. But if you sold one of them, they gave you like 180 I'd sell three of those a day and get to hit the bonus you get 50 cash And I was up the county store to get chewy chewy. We are Let me talk to you in the back. Park here, bro. Let me talk to you about something. Okay. Park here, bro What kind of deal you got going on? Yeah, he had a fucking good business car. How many how many packets is 20? I got 40. That's too packed. Why I can't get three for me. You get pissed off. Leave me alone, Joey What's up? He had a good business going to that guy. How you feeling over there? I'm good. Can't park here, bro. You know, you need to

And that's what I see that these guys they don't know how to put and and I'm not talking about selling drugs You know and and when I got divorced when I got divorced, let me put it to you this way when I got divorced in Boulder, I worked for My x y's family how long were you married for? Two years it was a failure. It was a failure But I worked for them and for some reason all the companies then that they did business would offered A free Estimate in class

So I would call the people this how slick I was bro at 20 fucking whatever even though it was the next following shit I would call these companies and go. Hey, man. I'm a roofer I'm an apprentice, but I want to learn how to estimate and they would fly me out 3m and all those companies would fly me out and teach me how to Estimate that type of shit. Oh, because they wanted you to use their products, but I also started learning slanted roofs and all those shingles and shit So I went to a couple of their things And one day I was by my friend's house and he's like, hey man, can you get your bro?

I want to come over here after the hellstorm. Nobody came to this fucking house So right away with my drug mentality one of them. I'm like, hold on a second. I measured it I Did what the regular people around me were charged was like $2,000 When I added up the material it was like fucking $600 Said make 1400 and one day I'd hire somebody else give them 500 rip the top off with them The dumpster was a deuce throwing a dumpster. That's how man. That's how much the gambino's control construction A dumpster

Anywhere else in the united states of america was $200 for those regular dumpsters. You see that people come up and pick up You know how much that same dumpster was in new york city in 1985? How much? $2,200 That's how much went into sammy the bull's pocket. I know yeah, he controlled all the construction All the fucking construction because I'm in my brother-in-law's company left new jersey that go to colorado They were like you have no idea what the construction costs are on the east coast because of that fucking mafia You have no idea But I would go into a neighborhood with a box of flies

Pass them around the fucking neighborhood By the time I got home I had three calls already when I was going back to measure the houses People would walk over to me and go. Hi. Can you measure my house? I go over I pull a fucking brother and get a five and a half deposit And tell him I'd be here the week of the 20th and I'd show up and do the roof I was making fucking a thousand bucks on a saturday. What did I get? I busted my uncle a little bit, but I didn't have any options then. I had no fucking options. I had no I had a degree, but it wasn't gonna do none. I had a family. I couldn't do nothing right

So it always comes in that street hustle What was your first pinch? January 26 of 1983 That was like as an adult property Yeah, I never took on a juvenile not nothing not even a talking to not even a cop coming to the house a cop Dropped me off one night when he found me and some guys yard passed out Pugin

I had that type of contact, but never a jewelry record whatsoever. That's what they get you for possession of stone Stolen tools when you have tools to rob somebody Oh, yeah, like but like the butler tools like I have like a pen Like it was they they trump it up. Were you going to use it to break into something? No, I uh I was going to break into something. I had something. No, I had I had checkbooks And I gave him to somebody and that was like plea bargain to I think it was a five dollar bail. It was my first is a misdemeanor misdemeanor

And I went and did the probation then I got arrested shortly after that for smoking pot after the redskins Superbowl beat the ravers or the dolphins. Yeah, I think 83. Yeah. Yeah. No, that was at 82 82 83. Yeah, bees Yeah, yeah, I won 800 went into the city in the winter The wind was blowing I went into a corner. I put some chocolate tie stick at one of those health food stores And I went into a corner and a mailman put a gun to my head. That was my second pinch

I don't know about two weeks. What was the mailman putting on you? He was making a city star Because there was a grammar school in there. Somebody was selling loose joints. I just happened to go that one in the afternoon. It was Guys, I'll never forget how cold it was and I was in that corner The tears were frozen on my face and he threw me on the fucking floor and they threw away my papa gave it back to me like so I had 14 grams They threw like four grams away and gave me the bag back They pinched me that time then right before I left for colorado I got pinched for

Stolen tools Trying to break into somebody's house and they caught me on the way out. We didn't get in They caught me on foot But then they threw it out. I knew somebody you didn't see something They threw it out and then I just went on a string of fucking But when I went to colorado, no, I didn't get arrested the guy had contact at the end That was not I robbed a jewelry store. I didn't get in But it was a snow storm brother. This is how much of a genius I was

And I walked back. I seen the cops coming to get me. So I jumped and walked in all these snow things And I went to my house and I went in I took my clothes off And I relaxed about an hour later door knocks and there's 20 cops in my door. I'm like, excuse me. Have you been out tonight? I'm like, no And they look by the radio and there's my boots melting snow So they knew it was me who robbed the jewelry store. They just did that proof I knew they were gonna come back By the time they came back I had boogie and then I probably went through Ten arrests that were just uh, you know, hanging out with dude, my this is sad

Well, it's not sad. I don't know what you want to call it but a good friend of mine was 18 years old and uh First offense they gave him 10 years man. He got caught with acid But in the state of florida each each hits a count of manslaughter You imagine that and no and he had a hundred. I think it's like a hundred on a sheet Oh, yeah, and he had a hundred. I had a hundred on a sheet. I think 10 sheets So they got a thousand counts of manslaughter a thousand counts of manslaughter, man, and they just fucking And that only gets 10 years 18. Maybe there maybe was a hundred sheets. Yeah, I give thanks every day

I give you people think I'm bullshitting but he went from 18 to 28 man He spent all his 20s in prison. You people think that I I bullshit. I get up in the morning. I give thanks for My daughter. I give thanks for mercy. I give thanks for the friends I have, you know, I give thanks for The career like how I worked out, you know, I never wanted to be Eddie Murphy. I just want to be alive And I got that I just wanted I didn't I don't care if my pictures at the improv None of that shit mattered to me. I just want to let motherfuckers knew I was here and I didn't have CAA I didn't have three odds and I was here. I did what I had to do

And I give thanks that I never got involved like when I got locked up People went to a party broadcast I say something to your girlfriend You take a swing at me and I die And you got a voluntary manslaughter. You look at 12 years of your life. And guess what? They're gonna put you a section to prison Okay, so now you got 12 that means you're looking at eight hard that you got to do You're 19. You're home on spring fucking break. Right. You were just with your old high school girl

I'm looking to get your dick suck. You didn't know she was sucking 20 other dicks. Right. She didn't tell you that in the fucking postcard They never do You know, we want to hook up and relive our times They didn't tell you how they fucked the Puerto Rican and the coke dealer at the bar and some guys got pictures of her And you show up happy Henry like fucking. Yeah. Yeah thinking that's It's my little angel and here comes Johnny bananas at a barn. Yeah, knock them the fuck out Do you ever think about like what would have happened if you had killed those people? That's what we're getting to right now. So you they give you eight fucking years eight out of 12

You do eight while you're in there somebody gets in a B for you. Yeah. Now. You gotta tack on another six So you go in at fucking 20 and you come to 36. Do you have any fucking idea? Do you have any fucking idea? Any fucking idea? I had a little semblance By the time I went in I was 28 I had a I had an idea who I was yeah And who I wanted to be do you understand what I'm trying to say to you when you grab a person with the mind of a child And they were 18. I'm not saying he's getting raped. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about

He has to make decisions. Yeah. Uh what he's gonna learn in there the first tattoo The first The first amen. That's cool. Yeah, that's it. Society's got him Now he comes out when he's 36 years old who the fuck's gonna hire him So what do you think he's gonna do? You know, he developed the fucking habit in the prison You know, I'm very lucky Lee never mind those people died. I'm very lucky. There was 30 other fucking situations That I walked into that Jesus fucking christ Jesus fucking christ that I'll sit there some nights and go. Can you fucking imagine?

What if What fucking if Pete meet me going to parties and you getting hit and I stick up for you and punch somebody in the fucking head What if that guy just died? What if that guy just had a brain on yourism? Not dude, I've you have no fucking idea. That's not that's not far-fetched and I'll tell you this is not I tell you when I get locked up when I got locked up. I bumped into 30 fucking kids that were just living

They thought they were just living your friend He bought a hundred hits of acid. God knows what he was gonna do. He ain't no fucking terrorist He ain't no bad person. He was just an 18 year old kid That the that they looked at state sanctions sanctions for and they never looked at this kid and said Maybe he's just a retard. He needs four years to scare him a little bit And we'll resent him depending on how he does after two No, there's a state man. He was a nice kid. Nice kid and dog. They go in they don't recover from that Well, he he was lucky, you know, he went to minimum or medium

They they did that for him and then you know, he came out He's got a shit together But you know, he talks to people now Talks to kids and stuff and tells him because you know, you do you're you're in that you can make such a bad decision at that age That's why I mean even now with these fucking Cameras everybody's filming people's childhoods like god forbid that there was cameras on me when I was 20 21 Oh my god, man It would be insane dude if there was a I wish there was a video of uncle joey at fucking 2021

Get dancing in a club. I would pay eight million dollars for that video right now Lee, what about you? Which uh, your bar mitzvah video. Is there uh, any crazy shit going on? Not like that Not like that. I shoplifted but I didn't do anything crazy like you guys Did you light a candle for somebody even in the bar mitzvah video? You know how many bar mitzvahs I want to see that's the other thing people don't realize how like up in new york and and Every weekend jersey

But I'm saying like everybody like shared your cultures, you know, like you had the latino. You had friends in jewish. Yeah, everybody fucking everybody You know everybody live live live with each other, but it was it was crazy. I was watching on netflix last night They had this series for they're interviewing people who like serial serial murderers. What was that word? Serial murderers, I guess and this dude Right like didn't go back to a halfway house He went back and just killed people ran like he killed five people just randomly Just because he would drive by a house and be like, oh that the house looks nice and I'll go in there It was it was fucked up and then he it just happened like I was thinking like how like your life could have changed at that exact moment

Absolutely, all I needed was to bump into a guy that I thought was cool And who I thought was influential in there, you know the mad dog Oh mad dog And mad dog would sit there and tell you stories about his days on the bike man There's a guy up in pelican bay, man His name is breadhorns man. He uh, he's a stone cold killer. We partied together a couple times. He's He'd done about 16 years murder just and you sit there going What are you fucking did you ever read about eight blinker?

Yeah You know george washington's You know who hitler is a mousseline. Those are great men. You know donna summer and barbra stride santa's Some guy mad dog in some prison who man that guy took on three guards, man We partied out together once they tell you that you like listen to talk for you Just go to the port of rican side over the little fuck you to death Because you don't have a fucking day left in you once you get in the real world if you're worried about Mad dog is the killer. It is. It's like a fucking middle school. This fucking guy. I've ever seen him

I remember one day when I was locked up. There was this guy that was johnny everything the metal rings The lee jacket over the fucking black shirt You know it was 87. He already had tats He already had nobody moved their hair. He already moved their hair with the little sunglasses Because this place I went to you could wear your own clothes if you got a petition And then I was sitting around with some guys in there and the album of the year was animal appetite for destruction And it's that mr. Grant brownstone. I mean these guys are talking about

He wrote about heroin. He came on. He's like it's not about fucking heroin. It's about mr. Brownstone. I determined that dude And we're like, what are you fucking? Why would guns and roses sing a song about some dude in fucking kansas jail Mr. Brown, what are you? That's how retarded they get like man. I partied out with mr. Brownstone He met axl rose one time and told him the story So axl rose promised him he'd rather shut the fuck up you fucking moron junkie. What do you think that fucking guy is now? Who acts around no eating fucking cheeseburgers with 20 dollar bills between his fucking Tony

Johnny bravo got a young out with the fucking guy with the moose tear and the and the gene that fucking want to be biker There was where I went. There was a little connection of these want to be bikers. There was this guy, uh That was something that dog or something. He was the leader of him. He was like the old guy that was terrible nickname He had killed somebody and voluntary manslaughter party and he had these little minions that were all retarded The one guy smacked was one of his minions a blonde head dude that wore gloves in the prison like well He doesn't even a tricycle in here Why don't you have gloves on they walk around with tight gloves with their fingers out like why? Get it the fucking gather guys

I had a beef with him in the laundry room and I tied his hair up I grabbed him by the hair and I just tied it up with my hands and I banged his head against the wall I took a shit in his drawer and one of those, uh cheese boxes I took a long shit and I put it The point being it's it's you see those guys when you're in there You shake their hand you talk to them and you move the fuck out. You don't want to talk to those morons You don't want that fucking IQ Just stand me next to those guys. You're like

Dogs, you knew me dog. He was a dumb fuck and I used to be to stop clicking the kitchen So I took a shit in the toilet. I took it out complete Yeah, the whole the whole loaf the whole loaf stayed together. Oh, I thought you shit in the box I think I shit the box because it never broke The shit was complete. How crazy do you have to be the shit in the box? And it was perfect because it was this thing. It was like a rose box that comes on roses. How many Kirax was it? No, no, no, it was uh, you know the you know the Do you know the fucking uh, did you get that south park reference or no? No

I like to park. Well, what did he say remember one fucking to measure the third fucking uh, oh, yeah Because this was an American cheese box, you know those government cheese I took a shit man. You know what they put You know when you go to a diner in the east coast and they put a flag on the American flag on the BLT or something I took it out like it. I hop used to they said I put the right in the middle of the shit I put the box in this drawer behind his clothes and every day he walked around the barracks going man Anybody smell shit or is it just me and we would look at him like oh this guy don't know it And he figured it out one day and he saw the box and he came into my room and I was

Man, I know who's you shit my fucking My cheese box. I know who's you shit my cheese box There's some people that you beat in life that do that shit to that they come back and tell you This one time I robbed his mexican kid. That was my roommate bolder when I first moved to bolder He just bothered me him and these other three momos with lip sync They were friends because they would travel around and go to lip sync competition in jail No, this is Okay, okay, I got you. I moved to the hill in bolder and there was three idiots living in an apartment

And they would go to not lip syncing contest air guitar contest. No, you live with air guitar people Please tell me you're shitting their cheese box. No and the mexican kid drove me crazy He would always bother me man. You can't bring women over here and fuck them at night. They're most Fucked up. I brought two girls over there. One was a freak and one night he came to me knocked on my door So one day I see he left and said what? He came to me one minute. He was he was jealous So I went over I seen his door open and he he was sleeping Dog I tipped out of his room. I picked up the town and it was unholy bill. I took it out

About a day later. He kept knocking on my door dog. I worked in the sun for that unholy bill He kept saying to me. I'm like I spent a lot. I didn't tell him I spent it already But I felt bad but I said dog. He was you told him you robbed him though. No, I kept saying I don't know what you're talking about You never you never to make anything. I had to save up for an air guitar competition. Well, don't look like you're going I'll give you a dollar play the guitar in the living room They didn't get high They did nothing brother. It's just play air guitar or air guitar in the fucking living room at night I'm fucking with no shirts off a japanese kid a mexican and a white goofy fuck

How did he find these guys? I applied for it was 200 miles a month The japanese guy had on the payroll for a while. He paid for half your rent one month I was giving the fucking Japanese guy 200 out 20 dollars a day to go to the store our falfers cook and get food And cook healthy food for why but he would eat the other half Because I got a lost settlement. I had some dollars So I didn't want to cook. I didn't know how to cook. I got sick and tight Heavenly can you put the camera on yourself? I know look at the shape. There it is. There you go. Go ahead and talk So I used to pay him 20 bucks to go down to our falfers buy a half a pound of meat some rice and vegetables

And he'd walk it up and he'd give some to me and some to him and he was a broke student That's a good deal great fucking deal. Yeah strong deal And then but he was by the fucking booked and the cops came they knocked on the door They got mad and then I left the next day. I was there for about a month and a half before the cops came That's why he used to do credit card shit That was back in the day where you can get away with that shit with the numbers and the the fucking the click click They used to sell the fucking carbons Back in the day fucking carbons. That's why they give you the carbons

That's we had we had this guy at the at the don carter's bowling alley That when we were kids if we had carbons he would take them and then he he had this plastic thing where you can fucking make the the mold You know, well, we just gave him the carbons. I remember this dude coming around We were playing football one time asking if we had fire extinguishers If we want to make some money to get them fire extinguishers we were kids Like what the fuck is we getting fire extinguishers for you know And then we had this one this one kid of ours. I don't like to throw the names out I know I know you don't I don't

Joe doesn't mind. I know Joe doesn't mind, but uh, he went and got some and I guess that There you go Thanks for you and your fucking names. All right, you know, it was funny that you smell this whey protein for right here I'm sure it's whey. These are some fucking scallops. This is some scallops mama made with some fucking fish friday Remember when you farted on stage one night? I fucking never laughed so hard in my life when he was at the store and he's like, hey, uh Hold on a second and then he He went Then he went science and then he went back in

Dude, I was Hold on hold on and then you fart they can't they can't recover from that The fart was the science on top of the fart. Please. That's what you're gonna. I got a fart and I'll leave it out of the science That's a whole fucking patois the whole thing What's up with you, brother? How you feeling not as bad as you thought and I'm really fucked up Are you gonna drive you need a ride? No, I don't give nothing. Fuck him. He gets no ride Die over because that's his problem. See he already tapped out before he got it. I should tie him up Dude, it's fucking and turn the lights off today. The cop's toast are gonna be out

Fucking someone take it come back every hour and put it on backwards until his head blows up That's what I should do, but you're lucky. I spoil you and I love you If not, I spoil you tie up and toughen you up and he talks talking with that Whose vacuum is that mine? Where'd you get that fucking thing from? It's mine We haven't vacuumed in here since we moved in here. Thank you for vacuuming. You're a good fucking man I'll tell you that was some fucking great pictures Little charlie luce bronson and fucking clenny sweet fucking man. You got uncle joey. Fuck up there Fuck that shit. No, I'm very happy. I grew up like I did at times and I'm happy. I had that little hustle now

I sit here sometimes I look at this two-year-old little girl and I'm trying to figure out how to explain it to her I would wait No, you have to fucking wait, but I don't think I'll be alive. I'm joking. Oh, you'll be a lot every fucking day You know it's one less heartbeat Oh, no, so I mean you take good care of yourself. So, you know, you try you try you drink water You don't use you spray on butter like this fucking You're mad at me for using spray butter today. You see a lot of calories

Actually real butter is better for you. It's better for you because it's more natural. I told you the margarine shit. I'll kill you I told you that's all chemical joey. Fuck when she the fucking here. Here's what I want you to do He goes home makes total lenient put spray on butter on the fuck's the purpose. This is what I'm This is what I'm fucking saying But everybody says no you're being hard on them. I'm kind of fucking no more spread Listen, I want you to google paleo diet. Okay. All right. Follow that. I'll save your life What don't you eat? You just don't eat grains. No breads. No fucking no bread. None of that shit and no fucking No dairy

But you can eat raw meat chicken wings, but it's supposed to be like, you know, how many chicken wings? That's the clinker for you. You can eat a fucking you can eat 30 if you want me So we can start the paleo diet right after this five guys. That's absolutely right. Go right to big wings right down the street You can't eat fried chicken wings and just not eat cheese and lose weight. That's Listen to me. Look it up. Look it up. I'll look it up. But you can't eat fried things. You know what? I don't like naysayers. Yes, you can you can you take you go there tonight and eat Not breaded. You can't eat breaded. You can't you can't eat the fucking blue cheese either. No, I can't do that You gotta eat those. Then what's the point? I know that's the thing that you lose a lot of patois

You gotta go and eat with fucking celery right you can eat celery get the celery and carrots don't mash potatoes No, no potatoes Sweet potatoes if you're gonna cheat like they recommend like one day you just fucking, you know get it out of your system What do you do for carbs? Hey use vegetables, man. It's a real simple carbs, man Those are the best because the grains the way that the grains are their ground seeds and and you know seeds are not really So no whole grain or no bread no pasta, but if you're gonna go no whole grain pasta I do brown like when I when I do my cheat I do brown rice. I lost uh, I lost about eight pounds

I don't give a fuck about brown rice. I have brown rice. No, but they have brown rice. Listen to me brown rice pasta What am I doing? They have brown rice pasta from trader joes. Good. It's fucking good, man. It's good. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'll try it I don't try I've been I've been trying No, shit. Just look at our little marinara. Yeah, but see here's the thing is that if you if you do the brown rice pasta That's when you you don't want to eat any grains, but if you're gonna do it Sweet potatoes are good baked potatoes are good

And brown rice pasta is good, you know, but just do it like once a week Yeah, once a week on a sunday at two o'clock nice little marinara like a doctor Like a fucking gentleman. I don't want meat sauce no more. My wife makes a little marinara. Nice little spicy to it. You're good You're fucking good. I eat that. I go mean let me get some fucking shout outs. I'm get this party started. Let's do it I met a really nice pick my wife up. Tell your wife to relax. I met a really nice fucking girl She made a picture for us what I didn't bring and she gave me a lighter And she had a smile that would fucking her and her husband came genica jones. I love you to death up in sacramento Harold cocksucker. I love you. I'm sorry about your mom, but hang in there cocksucker

You're a big boy now. Grab your balls. Just think of your mom every day and go up there and fuck somebody in the ass That's how it's done Hi, may join me. I love you. Shut the fuck up cocksucker brady marsley crazy michelle hurley I don't know what the fuck this is burg happy recovery much love cocksucker. Mike wilson jr. bobby shown and your beautiful girlfriend and david repressor. I got you cocksucker now what What's up, buddy? You see that picture I tweeted you fucking at the arizona scotch tail No, they got the picture you at the house of comedy. It's fucking nice. Come on. Yeah, it's right when you're going to the men's room

I think I saw my twitter somewhere. They always put you near the men's room Yeah, you come in as a big fucking nice uncle joey picture you fucking fade it in nice It's big. It's huge. It's like the size of that. Come on your little fucking joey collage. Oh my god See that. Yeah, how you feeling lean not bad. I'm fucked up. I'm good. I'm glad I ubered Nah Yeah, you could go out there and drive like a savage. No, I don't know what you're scared of cocksucker at $10,000 Do you are you're not going to get no duis? You're as tough as nails. What's coming up for you, man? I know the other day we spoke and you said your pilot didn't get picked up

You shot a pilot for home. No, I was with mbc and then uh, then it didn't get picked up So, you know, what was the pilot it was called mason twins between that was last year while you were shooting it Did you really think you had a chance because I was shooting them? I'm like Well, here's the sad part man. Here's the sad part. It's uh, uh You know, if they get picked up there was a lot of anticipation about it It was like, you know, the one, you know, they say it's a good one to be on but the kid that um The black kid the heavy black kid that just passed away the kid from miller like commercials

He was in there and uh, he was he was where that's in it and uh, dude It was sad to see him die man. I kid that kid was fucking Every time he opened his mouth. He was funny. He was funny, man. Where was he from? He's from houston. He was a trained actor. Uh, what did he die from? I don't know. I don't know It's scared like that's why sometimes I get down about uh going to the gym, but he was 36 That could that could He wasn't going to the gym didn't look like it I mean he could have been but like that's why like when I see that it's like I keep going because like yeah

He was 36. He was young. Yeah, he was a young dude, man It's it's it's really weird when you shoot a pilot and your hopes and aspirations are up and they're telling you that you got a chance and Then you're going you're thinking in your mind all the different scenarios and we're gonna get picked up as a fucking recurrent it Now I was booked as a regular and then the year before that I had one with gary coal, you know the guy from uh, office space and uh talladegan knights right right right fucking very talented actor and uh, that was another one that you know What network was that that was for fox and then and I had a talk show for e that same year And that's what people don't realize, you know, I'm looking at if both those things go

I'm looking at a you know Damn your seven figure year going from you know, did you shoot the pilot for me? Shining both. Yeah, and what was the e-talk show man? It was this was years ago. It was like a it was a relationship show It was uh, me a gay dude Straight chicken a lesbian so it was pretty much three chicks and me and then we gave fucking you get picked up You know You get the thought we were giving a relationship advice it was it was you know

It was a good time man I mean look some of these shows you do you're like, you know, you can say no, you know I can read a script and say I don't want to do it Um, and you know, you try and pick the ones that you think is the best the same agent that dude or you left them I'm with uh, don buck wall now. I went over to them. They're real good. Yeah. Yeah. They get you out for everything Yeah, yeah, man. Yeah, that's really good that you What I popped five pilots in a row Boy the chappell had like 13 right before one where I remember when I first moved here

They were giving chappell tons of money chappell had one with the dude from Talks soup that went on to become a big star great can hear that didn't get picked up. I mean I mean, they weren't my pilots. I just shot them I shot what got me here was a big cop show on cbs With what's his name directing? It was a shoe and it was their answer the NYPD blue didn't get picked up The only one that got picked up that they didn't hire me after was the lures guzman show I shot NYPD blue 2069 what the new york would be like in the year 2069 I shot a blunt happy owl from the people from

What's the fucking show or what's the two fucking idiots now that replaced? Uh, what's his name on the fucking show? I have no idea what you're talking about. I'll figure it out. No, what's the tool to want to have baby? Who replaced that man ashen kutcher what show did he come from that's how many show the same writers when the 70s show rap This was the next hot show the chick went and bought a house the show got cancelled out the four episodes That's that man So i've been involved in all those and it's it's a good little hope it keeps you hoping But then you said something beautiful immediately you go, you know, and now i'm back on the road where i belong

And i love it and you love it stand up to my 401k and it's what i love, you know, it's what i do It's what i love to do at the end of the day. That's the thing you can't take that away from us You a massing audience you could say what you want to say And be as expressive as possible, you know, and um, you're still trying to make a living You know, i mean 35 weeks a year takes its toll. I'd like to be hitting those theaters I would like to do friday saturday doing 35 weeks. Absolutely man. I mean every i just left bermanam I leave for denver on wednesday So you're doing a hustle three weeks a month. Yeah. Yeah pretty much man. No shit. Yeah, you're still in a relationship

Absolutely, but then i gotta go get my wife now or go get a cock suck. I love you Thank you. Where are you at this weekend? This weekend. I met comedy works in denver. Okay, not downtown the one in um The suburb one what's the degree they got in the black made the guy with the white people With the thing the whole thing is to jump up and down. They call me if you get locked up, man. We'll come get you Okay, no, i love you brother. Thanks for coming on. I love you. You're the fucking best man. You are really so are you man Thank you very much for coming on All right, let me go give lia. Stay black give lia big hug. He needs a look at him Look at him. He could tell on his eyes. He needs the biggest hug ever. He's in shock

He don't know nothing. We're gonna eat another fucking stock Next week we're doing harrowing on the fucking show next monday. We're gonna end the love you buddy. Thank you very much Yeah, I don't want to do harrowing. You gotta do something once I'm happy you guys Go ahead brother. Yeah, uh Check me out. Just go to bread earns.com B. R. E. T. E. R. N. S. T. Dot com It's called the bread earn show, but we just do like top 10 lists and argue stupid shit. I gotta have you on

Okay, we're gonna do top 10 fucking disco artists of all time. Keep me posted. So vest is number two Black fags and fucking whatever. I love that motherfucker. You make me feel mighty real in fact. That's what we're closing with tonight What's happening? You bad motherfuckers Sacramento I had a great time this last week. I'm sorry to mention you guys It really was great the week before I was in cleveland this last three week Got fucking I was tired, but you guys made it great. Thank you very much for being great audiences And this thursday night do not forget them on the last this is not happening what arisha fee I need this favor for you guys to dvr. There's a personal favor for me

Hopefully they'll see that this fucking action here and they'll put me on comedy essential a lot more But it's up to you guys do me that fucking solid, huh? It's a good story Yeah, you know It was a heartfelt story that I hid for a long time I always had people go. Yeah, but you had it hard. You grew up on the streets. No, I had a little bit of help And I did what I could with it and I always I never forgot who she was But the story was beautiful that she was my mother's friend She made a promise to my mother in the casket and she fucking did a lot of people can't keep a promise from people alive

Never mind when people are dead to judge them, you know, so Uh, at the end things happen how they did now. We felt guilty about that. So me saying the story Is my I'm sorry to her where in the fuck she is, you know, I'm saying, what are you fidgeting for the everything? All right, that makes really sounds cool. It sounds cool. Don't worry about none. Stop fidgeting. I'm talking to you Moving around how you feeling good. I'm really fucked up. Fuck. Yeah, you're fucked up Well, I feel good too, but that's the story on thursday night. So I appreciate plus I want to already show to get picked up. It's not even about me or whatever I want to already show to get picked up. This is a great idea. It always has been and uh

It's up to you guys to keep it on the air. So do me this favor This is not happening on comedy central Put it on your fucking dvr and they have it on youtube if you don't have cable You can watch it on on comedy central dot com or on youtube. So that why don't you tell them that? Why don't you tell them that they're not supposed to know that i'm trying to sell it? No, it's good if they don't have cable But who gives a fuck these people have cable not everybody you want to sell the dvr to them a lot of people don't have cable Please okay, this was a marketing thing. You never give me aftermath. I need them to turn the dvr on

Okay, you follow me. I don't need them to aftermath. I thought you're the one they wanted No, you didn't think i'm telling them right now. I don't want I want I need for them to turn the dvr on Okay, yeah, I don't need for them to go on comedy central dot com I need for them to turn the fucking dvr on that's what gets more viewers That's what gets his show picked up. Oh, I didn't know okay, but what the The fucking wrong with your cocksucker Sit there and stare at the microphone. You did for two hours before you were sitting there like it's a black dick coming at you I had to go over a couple times and go what the fuck you're looking at cocksucker

So please turn the dvr and don't listen to fucking jamoke over here. Don't listen to me The next day you could turn the fucking comedy central that night Just turn the dvr on even if you're fucking a racist the next day You understand I feel I feel you understand what was coming from there's a method to my madness Lee You see me over here in the mushroom. You try to interrupt me. You get me off my fucking thought You know how I'm feeling. I'm feeling how you're fucking feeling cocksucker I don't think so. I'm hiding the 6000 milligram star. Take a bite of that mother fuck. It's two. It's monday. I love you guys Let me give some spot out shout outs to the

To these great sponsors iron dragon tv dot com Listen, they got a ultra fixed 4k ultra network on there So you could watch some of that fucking martial art films You should see Lee's eyeballs right now You could watch their martial art films in 4k already. Yeah, I don't know how many movies are there, but it's fucking tremendous They have more coming every day. They have the mandarin magician I got brian cushions fucking shoulder exercises. I got a bunch of shit on there on iron dragon tv They just don't do just classic martial arts. I mean, that's the main reason to fucking go there. You know what I'm saying

Do me a favor go to high and dragon tv dot com right now. I'm pressing Joey And what do you get Lee you get two free movies? Jesus fucking christ on a crutch two free movies just to get the party started correct. Have you been on iron dragon? I have I just got he just gave me. Uh, I just went and got my roku. It's awesome They have and and they have a bunch of free ones Which are really cool if you like a bunch of the older stuff But then use your code on some of the new stuff They have a bunch of new like tai chi hero like one he always shows us when we go right? It's great. It looks really good

Yeah, the 4k technology is fucking sensational. You know, it's not on all the movies yet But iron dragon tv is the way to go. What do they press Joey stop scratching your head and get two free movies on it dot com What do you call it for top optimization and now available on whole foods? They just to the pot You know, I remember when these guys were fucking nothing now look at them And the only reason why they grew was because their products fucking work and I give you an opportunity to get 10% off On everything they have except the weights and the ropes and if you want to jump over fucking laws and shit But as far as the minerals concerned, I got you covered, bitch 10% off

Go to honor dot com right now. Look at all the great minimals they have I mean, I'm sick and tired of fucking telling you this from alpha brain. Go ahead. Lee He's gonna say alpha brain dot com from alpha brain to fucking new mood to shroom tech They got the shit that killed kennedy. You understand me. So do me a favor. Go to fucking go to fucking Honor dot com right now I'm pressing church to get 10% off your first order and 10% off many orders to come Stay on it. Stay on it program Which means they mail it right to your house directly every month. You don't have to do dick Just give me a credit card number. Nobody's gonna steal it. Maybe some russians in belgaria. What do you care american express pays like that?

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Go to hit easy six dot com and press in joey's church boom and get 20% off your first order It's 20 you get it for 16. All right. Who's better than fucking me on it iron dragon tv nailed it life dot com to hit easy six. I want to thank my sponsors What's up? What you got going on next week for this week? I got nothing I'm gonna trip it on the mushroom or drink some coffee and smoke some weed with you. You're not hungry No, we're gonna smoke some ash. Then we'll get I'm not smoking a hash Some weed for you. I got a piece of hash. Why don't you want to smoke? All right, let's at least go through the list of what I had today. What'd you have those gumis or monos half a star

No, you didn't have a half a star. I had a quarter of a star. I gave you a little Not even I gave you one little sergeants. No Yes, and then half of those gumis, which is what I didn't give you no half a gumis And then I gave you your booger Mushrooms I gave you a little piece of what the mushroom was strong. Oh, I know as strong as fun That's right. No fucking no fucking spray butter no more. I'm going to your house tomorrow. That's not better be there I just got a new bottle. You did you're disgusting. You know that I don't know why you eat that shit. You're gonna fucking the ass holes in the bleed

I've always used spray water since when my my mom always used to get it. Oh, Jesus, what? I mean, she got butter sometimes She grew up on spray butter, you know what I'm saying? Motherfucker grew up on spray butter and you people see why I'm getting older by every day I gotta go dye my fucking hair for a commercial I got this fucking guy. I'm trying to fucking take under my wing to become a future savage killer Oh, so was it did you just fight? No, I don't yet. What was that? Nothing. I don't know Do you say I got deal with look at them

No, I'm sorry. I just get some of this smack of them and hitting them with his dead dick in the face He's gonna be giggling. That's always what you say. You say I have to give you these edibles in case ISIS comes over and steals Like when is ISIS gonna make me do all these edibles? Because that's what they do before you kill you to get information from me. You'll be you're already used to it Your levels of THC are high. You're just gonna tell ISIS to suck your dick And spit in their face like Tony Montana in the shower scene. You know what I'm saying? They're selling that house What they're selling that house. So buy it. What are you telling me like 30 million dollars and put it on your tab You got a bunch of money. I love you cock suckers. Don't forget about me

Uh, where am I this weekend? Nowhere. I'm fucking home. How's that for you? Do me that favor on Thursday night turn on your dvr. Don't worry about what lisa fuck what I said Now come in thank you on you go on youtube the next day. Go fuck yourself I need for you to turn the dvr on march night turn your neighbors dvr on Yeah, tell the neighbors even if they don't like joey dears and I'll return the fucking thing I need that they don't like joey dears. Do me that favor, right? Anything else Lee you want to tell these fucking people? No, I'm fine. I want someone fucked up my fucking balls all day Yeah, that's my job. I love you guys. Thank you for watching the church of what's happening now

We'll be back Thursday at two o'clock with steven bow Go to on it. What's the music on? I am And we got one more star to eat. We're gonna money another star. We gotta eat another star. Oh, you're so crazy. Look at this fucking thing I know the 6000 milligrams only open them. Oh, I know that's not the 6000 milligram. Oh, this smells just like Oh crazy Put it up to the camera Two o'clock Thursday, okay, five o'clock east coast

Look at this fucking All right To axis rolling papers these little broach clip they sent us we're gonna try them out this weekend That's it. You don't say goodbye. I was trying to but then you kept saying stuff Hello I'm trying to but you keep talking. I ain't talking All right Go to on it.com and use cobalt church to get 10 off of all their optimization products

Why is your voice cracking like michael jackson? Because I'm trying to say this and not forget Yeah, I'm really high Okay, you go to on it.com and you get I smoke this I was on a roll there too. No, I don't want to smoke this hash Use cobalt church to get 10 off all their optimization products Go to nailed it life.com and get 20 off of your order when you use cobalt joey ds On the premiere vapor pan on the market go to hit esigs.com. That's hit esigs.com

Better tasting longer lasting the proof is in the vape You get 20 off when you go to hit esigs.com and use codeword joey's church And go to iron dragon tv.com the new the new roku channel With 4k technology use codeword joey get two free rentals Where's that music Shout out You just don't know My soul

My life I got If you look by the side Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh

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