Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #271 - Giulia Rozzi, Joey Diaz, and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: April 7, 2015

Giulia Rozzi, Comedian, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:  Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. Iron Dragon TV. A New Roku channel with all the best martial arts films. Use Code word joey for two free rentals. HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for a 20% discount Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by using code word joeydiaz. Music:  Crep - TLC I Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet What about Your Friends - TLC Recorded on 04306/2015

Being the pendulum I'm saying why would he stab me in the pendulum? I don't know. I might eat another fucking green one I'm in oh my god This podcast is brought to you by on it calm go to on it calm news code word church to get 10% off of All the great optimization products alpha brain new mood strong bone Joey live strong bone for after jiu-jitsu Use code word church to get 10% off For all the oil and wax smokers out there go to nailed it life calm That's nailed it life calm and use code word Joey Diaz to get 20% off the premiere vapor pan on the market Go to iron dragon TV calm iron dragon TV is a roku channel with all of your favorite martial arts movies

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Shit Julia Rossi's in the motherfucking house the flying Jews in the house Here you go cocksuckers Go gee, what do you know about this? What the song? What do you know about this? This is a fucking jam right here What's the story leave you know wiggle funk with joey away there's something like a fucking like a deaf mute Dolly go Look at her dancing with the little blue pajamas on his shit Lee she looks great Would you fucking tackle her over to story?

You bring a black chick home. You're out of the fucking Jew already did that once crack this motherfucker Lee check her out and shoot what oh shit Lee She's just skinny though. Look at Lee. What's the point of having look at Lee Lane claims like a garage You're something like that She's too skinny Isn't she dead or one of them one's dead with the red Left eye lobe she drove off a fucking cliff, you know things up. What's going on Tarzan? How was your weekend? It was good

I had a you know, but with mama. Yeah, she loves it now sure She loves it But it's we just giggle for no reason and it's I love it makes me happy for her because she's in she's in about to get Being finals and I can see how stressed out. She is so we just giggle. We have a good time. You hold the hand. No, not really No, I mean not doing that. Okay. No, but she was cool. We what else did we do? We Went to Steve Simone's for Easter. I was very nice. He made some lasagna little fucking big city Yeah, it was great. And then that's it. The car belt cake was the first thing to go. Thank God I got fucking this motherfuckers eating all the other shit

Hey blueberry cake some fucking guys show up with Japanese cookies get the fuck Cake, you know show up with Jap fucking cookies get the fuck out of here and the funny thing is if you're ever anywhere with Joey He says this and the guys literally right there, but he like I don't know if you're speaking at like a low register or something He just I got a voice like a dog whistle. Okay, this should I say the as over the years this should I say to you? That's out loud and the shit I say of the tone that that person is not gonna hear it But you're gonna hear it. It's like one of fighters in an octagon or in a ring He gets used to his train his voice So no matter what's going on like when he's training the train will play loud music and talk over the loud music

So you get to used to after a few years you'll get to hear me when I was a kid I grew up with Roger Holloway and he narrated life So you'd be sitting there and people be walking to you and you could hear me go and look at the shape of these fucking Muts and you giggle because you heard it, but even though the people were right there. They didn't fucking hear it So you know Sam Julia Rossi in the house growing up and shit all grown up. I knew you when you were a little fucking pumpkin Shit, I'm LA walking around all scared. Look at your mouth. I don't know if I was ever scared. I was just clueless No, you were just a young girl. How old were you when I met you?

22 yeah, you were younger. How long have you been doing comedy? I mean, I had how many I've done it in my life six times before when I met you. Yeah, no shit Yeah, and you had been in Boston the whole time. No, where'd you start? I mean the first time I ever ever did it was a high school like Talent show kind of thing. I did three minutes. I totally stole people's material like I don't even know what I don't know I talked about and then I did it I did two open mic nights at Nick's comedy stop in Boston over the summer and Then at my college in Ithaca someone started like a comedy club

And so I did three nights of that like at a bar. So that was it You know, I don't even know if that counts that counts every every time you touch a fucking stage Is that the next comedy stop? No, not that one the one in Emerson. Well, it's like in a bank vault. Yeah. Oh, I want to like one of the worst dates there I could always love stand-up comedy, but it's in like a freak It's in the basement of a restaurant with an open bank vault like you see in the movies and it was tiny But these like they had the the speaker system turned up high and the people were just fucking yelling Like the comics were just talking yelling as a weird room. Yeah, I like Barbara. I was home from college a bar mom's car

I'm like, I'm gonna go to a comedy club. They're like, okay, and I went I did five minutes and most in the The Booker were like, how are you me in comedy? I'm like, oh, this is like I did it once in high school for three minutes And they were like what and then I don't know. I just was I didn't care. I like miss that That quality of like I really didn't give a shit when I started I See just went up there. Did you have an idea where you were going with material? I mean, I mostly talked about my parents and being Italian I think I had like an all of gardening commercial joke because everybody who was Italian in the early 2000s dead

That's when you had that one Olive Garden with family. What was the slogan? And I think my joke was something like what do you mean, but no one's hitting each other, you know Like something stupid like that and it was Adam Ferrara Did he have a joke like that? No Adam Ferrara was one of your original Hosts for that for that commercial. Oh, really in like 1997 he booked what was it? What's the Oliver Olive Garden commercial when he turns to the camera? He goes when you hear your family Well, then I thank him for my career. Yeah, but I'm a senior at the store like I got to the store in 97 97 when did you get there?

2001 well the first time I did an open mic there was like 2000 I think 2001 I used to I used to host and used to come in And you were very sweet and you're always to the point and You know you disappeared one day, you know people come and go and I asked and I think somebody said you got married I don't know what the fuck happened. No and like oh for I For whatever reason decided I hated LA I never like stuck with things

That was my problem throughout my 20s like the second something didn't go my way instead of trying harder I'd quit so like I did groundlings the second I didn't pass a level I quit like I did stand up the second I didn't get note that I liked or like you know what I mean didn't book something I would quit like I just I just had a really shitty Not stick with it work ethic So I left LA because I thought maybe then like New York would kick my ass and I missed my family Then I got to New York in 04 and I kind I did stand up like a couple times a month pretty much So I sort of stopped doing that much and then after two years in New York. I was like I quit entertainment

I told my boyfriend to propose we moved to the suburbs of Boston into a house my dad owned the house I grew up in that my dad still owned across the street from my high school just to really hammer at home that I failed and And I was like yeah, I quit I'm gonna be normal now and the second I started playing the wedding I was like what the fuck did I just do? So then I got me I so while I was playing my wedding I would be like in Boston trying to be normal applying to grad schools being like look at me I'm like a normal person, but then I would get on the bus

Chinatown bus and go to New York for the weekend and do spots And that's when I kind of figured out I think like my real voice because I was by myself Because I've been with my the guy that I married I've been with him since college So he came with me to LA. I never had any time by myself So I didn't really have time to like develop. I think what's he do for a living? He what he did work as a TV doing TV production and now he does event production And we're still very good friends and he's wonderful, but uh, yeah, I just I didn't I needed to grow up I couldn't grow up here

So so then I got married and I got divorced and I wanted to take we were married 13 months Yeah, but we were together eight years When you told him you wanted to get divorced, what do you say to you like did you tell him it was because of comedy no Because it wasn't as a comedy. I mean I Talked to him about being worried that we would get divorced before we ever got married Like I told him like I'm I think this might be a big mistake I don't know if I'm ready and he was pretty much like we can cancel the wedding But if I can't we cancel when like I'm not getting back together with you

And that made me panic because I didn't think I'd ever meet someone like him again. So I was like, oh never mind Let's just do it What like in retrospect, that's crazy. That's the 20s. Yeah, how old were you when you met him? I met him when I was 20 How were you when you married 27? Yeah, I was like 27. Yeah, I got engaged at 26 married 27 or 28 divorced at 29 Yeah, so I got it all out of the way before 30 So I feel like the comedy career that I started at 29

Was like this career that I'm in right now because that's when I committed like when I Was I always done comedy in my 20s, but I don't know when you're doing it like twice a month and not really caring It doesn't you know what I mean? I know it still counts But like I'll get jealous of people who fucking kick ass and they've only been doing it five years I'm like, but I've been doing it like 13, but I didn't do it 13 years consistently, you know So yeah, I started coming in 91 and I was much like you I was getting divorced Okay, so I had all that what was going on in that thing I was working a day job that was into I was switching jobs and

I knew I wanted to do stand-up You know, this is great show up at a bar do a couple of jokes meet some chicks have a few drinks do a couple bumps And I did stand up like that for a while like I had a notebook But not really and then I won this contest and I became a host of this thing And it was basically a party for me Tuesday nights. I'd invite my friends. We get a hundred Valium's beers and blow and we'd fucking do the show and And then you know, it was just one of those things and I went to New York And I was in New York, so I started in 91 where I started in Denver, Colorado

But I didn't really commit to comedy so January of 94 I did three years of fucking around and then I went to New York and I was in New York for nine months I did I got on stage nine times, but six of those times were the last two months Like I went out and I was I was going to New York comedy club and Al would put me up and I Was going to stand up New York and you had to bring 19 of your fucking friends to go up And it was that stuff I got bad allergies. Oh my god, my fucking allergies is the worst allergy season But we've had so these clothes had snow and we've had allergies that I can't breathe at night

so I went when I got divorced and I went to I went back to Colorado and I said, you know what if I'm gonna do this I'm gonna fucking do this and it was different. So I get where you're coming from. Well, like the first two years I didn't I was in it like I was like doing the store like three nights a week I was like taking improv classes like I was really in it and then I don't know like my third year in comedy I just I think what happened for me in my head a little bit was like well Why are you gonna keep pursuing this you're gonna have I was I always had this idea in the back of my head when I was younger I'm gonna have to stop like there's no way this can be my life

You know what I mean like there was a part of me that was like well This is like cute for now But I'm gonna have to get like a real job and like move back home and be married and have kids Like I didn't think it was possible to kind of keep going with it. Also stand-up was never it's weird I say stand-up was never my goal But I don't know how to not do stand-up and that makes any sense because like I think the lifestyle is super shitty I think the kind of competitiveness not that other things aren't competitive But like with writing or acting you kind of don't always know what other people are working on because it's such a process

But stand-up. It's like how did you book this with this person? Like I don't know there's just a different energy about it that I don't always like they come really sensitive What does what doesn't always work sometimes and stand up, but I fucking love it like I don't know how to not do it I've tried to detox Stand up out of my system and be like do something. That's like not as gritty, but like One of them like once I'm on stage. I love it. I Love the street. I love I gotta blow my nose on this fucking t-shirt

I Don't feel like getting up cuz we're on to something You know when I was I was telling something on to me vomiting after just watching when I was 20 I would go for a job like anybody else who Wants to do something more and I'd go to like whatever I think I want to be a service writer at a car place and I go in there Let's say they said we're gonna pay you ten bucks now And you're mine. That's 80 bucks a day after the third day. I'm like

I've been here dealing with these fucking morons And at the end of the week, I'm gonna make 400 bucks The government's gonna take 80 bucks I'm gonna take home three fucking 20. I might as well go sell an eight ball of blow Right like this is my mentality. I could I could sell drugs or whatever the fuck Would stand up with acting and all the other shit we do stand up is the street Mm-hmm entertainment But I love dabbing on it because it keeps everything else intact

It keeps my acting intact. I keep storytelling intact. It keeps my writing intact anything else. I'm working on I Don't understand how people do different things like they were stand-ups then they get onto different things and they don't do stand-up no More I'm like you I couldn't think of a life now without stand-up I mean, I've never been that kind of person who's like I need to do like five spots a night every night Like that's not what I'm looking for But if I go and I don't mind sometimes I take a week off and I love it But like I have so much I want to say So much I want to share and like my favorite thing about because I just want to be a therapist

That was what I thought I was going to be and I was going to go to grad school for expressive arts therapy I wanted to use like writing and storytelling and music and all this stuff to help people and then I feel like that's what stand-up has been for me because whenever I when I first started I got into stand-up because I wanted to connect to people I wanted to make people feel less lonely. I wanted to like I love Confessional dark like personal stuff like I'll do observational stuff but most of my stuff's about me and I used to think that made me a narcissist But it's because I like it when people come up to me

After a show saying you're funny is awesome. But saying like oh man I really like I feel so much better after I like I was I felt so shitty before and now I feel like understood like That makes me so happy and fulfilled and for me with stand-up I think the times in my life where I didn't commit to it Or when I fell off track about why I was doing it when I started to get distracted about what other people are doing I'm like, oh well My joke didn't get on tv. But that person's jokes. Maybe I should try to be more Pop culture. Maybe I should

And it never you know, I mean like whenever I've stayed true to the reason why I do it. That's when it's good That's what it's fucking supposed to be good. I know These things are tremendous. I can't I want I had a pot have bite of a pot rice crispy treat yesterday And I then I started watching going clear and it was like to it was my head started Exploding I'm gonna sleep like a baby. I'm gonna get up and go give a blood test if I said the needles You are not you've been thinking you get that blood test for 12 months I'm gonna go on there. I'm gonna go to cafe 101 have a little breakfast And go give a nice blood test bring my iPod put Santana on look the other way

He calls me every day Okay, yeah, what the fuck I just always forget I hate going to Hollywood a friend of mine call me goes Hey, man, you don't come say hello no more. I go dog. How long I know you fucking 15 years I love you at all my I just can't do the Hollywood run no more living the valley for me to go down sometimes like I have Desire, I'm like, that's how I feel about Brooklyn Okay, I'm here for the day. What are you gonna go to Hollywood for I want to go You know, I could fuck around but I don't really want to go. I like staying close to my house I'm just one of those fucking people

But if I can hit it early and get back up to fucking hill early, bam, I'll hit it tomorrow If I get up like a 530 tomorrow Take a pee and go fucking. I'm just gonna stay up feed the cats clean the little boxes and shit I'll get in that fucking car about 630 shoot the Hollywood go to cafe 101 Can you eat before boat us? That's the whole thing that I'm eating I told me I could eat before this one when you do a physical you can't eat you got to go in the empty stomach That sucks dick But when you could eat it's a different story. You're okay. You just bring a can of soda with you to put the sugar right back in

You know I'm saying, Juliana, Juliana don't fuck around Juliana, he keeps changing my name. He's what you keep changing my name. That's how it lets you know That's what they say like that. So So you went back to New York you get divorced you tell this poor bastard. It's over now. What happens? Well, we had we got married and then we move back to New York together and we got married because he was like Well, maybe if we go back to New York, you'll be happy because I was super depressed And then we went back to New York and that's it was almost like I had a food allergy because like I went to LA And I wasn't fully happy and then I went to New York with him and I wasn't happy

I kept eliminating like my job and like my career shit and I would in my city But I wouldn't eliminate him. So then we moved to Boston together. I still wasn't happy move to New York again Still wasn't happy then we split. I Was I wouldn't say I was happy, but I was just diff like I had a little bit of space And I felt I felt really bad because part of why we split I was like I want to be on my own and like find myself and like all that shit Fucking months after we split I get into another relationship because I'm an idiot And he's like we're still friends. So he was like, yeah, remember when you said you wanted to end our marriage

So you could find yourself to do find yourself in that second Three-year relation or four-year relationship that you got into No, you know It was have it you need love, you know, you like to be you know listen men work stand up a second We're first. I'm a man and you're a woman. Yeah first that has needs. Mm-hmm. That has its needs I love to I'd love to be the fucking I'd love to be 28 and be doing stand the four years now and be good-looking Go out three four nights a week and fucking suck and do drugs and get chlamydia You know get a drug problem and live at the Chelsea. Maybe no coming up. Yeah, you know what I'm saying

I mean, that's that's part of this whole Comedy thing, but then there's the other part of it. There's the part where one day you wake up and you go I need a life. Yeah, I gotta have a life that part of it is great You're giggling with your friends and not having responsibilities and now that opens up a different chapter in your life Now you have a relationship somebody who depends on you, you know what? So now on Tuesdays instead of going out to that dumb fucking club that paid $8 You stay in and you both eat or durves you fucking suck a little bit You both go to bed at 10 you make those little commitments in the relationship and it because that's what a relationship is

Well in my 20s, I feel like part I mean, I love stand-up because I love stand-up, but I also loved the social aspect I'm like, oh, I'm allowed to get drunk every night. I get free drinks I had to be social and the problem for me was I didn't want to lose the safety of my relationship But I was acting like I was single when I was going out. I was like, you know what I mean? I was I wasn't going home. I was like partying all night Like I was really trying to have both worlds and I couldn't and then this past year I had like my first single year ever as an adult and it was the best year of my life

I mean, not just because I got to sleep around or whatever But because I got to just cry in the shower for as long as I wanted to without anyone knocking on the door I mean, like are you okay? Like sometimes I don't want someone asked me if I'm okay Sometimes you just gotta fucking let me lay on the floor Weep like a child and don't say let's go to dinner. I make you feel better I don't want to be you know what I mean like I had this space to just lose my mind a little bit and it was great People have no idea that for me all these fucking Gentiles that go to therapy and pill these money these fucking saps Listen, I go to therapy. Just get a shower that you could sit on it. I love therapy though. I love my shower

Okay, not this shower where I live now I live in Hollywood that was the best shower ever had I could sit in there for three hours and never run out of hot water You smoke a joint just sit in the corner You don't masturbate night. You're sitting in the corner at the hot water. This is your therapy. That's my therapy You just smoke a joint in the shower. No I get a I get a pillow and put a piece of plastic around the pillow and put the pillow behind me Just sit in the shower for three four hours. I mean you might want to think about therapy. No, that's Fucking walls that's as real as it gets or you need is a mirror if you put a mirror

Oh, that sounds terrifying. That's terrifying. What are you against therapy? No, no, no I'm just saying for me. This is what it was if if somebody comes to you and says Julia I want to offer you $50,000 to shoot a special You're like, let me think about it Some people go to a bar and drink some people get six of their buddies and sit down for me I'll take three of my closest friends. We'll get a steak. Let's talk about and then let me go home and smoke a number And what's the safest place for me? Mm-hmm the shower. I love yeah I love the shower, you know Seinfeld had a joke that the shower and one of his early danger feels special

So he goes nobody gets in the shower. Where is it? We can't get hold of him. He's in the shower A shower is sacred. It's for a guy like me. You go in the shower, you know, you have to be a pig Just go in there sit down. Look at your toes pick them take the dead skin off your feet Fucking pick your nose hairs and just so you don't come out of the shower to your fingers a fucking soggy And you come on. Well, that's what I love about the road Getting into your hotel after a plane ride and take them off your fucking clothes Putting a bottle of coffee on roll in the fucking joint and you only shop for like a half hour And if they have a road you decapped die. Well, the robe never fits Uncle Joe

You know I love whenever people I know the road can suck but God do I love hotels? Because Like I watch garbage television stuff. I would never watch a order food Yeah, sit on the bed with my shoes on I always ask I always get like I will ask for early check-in And I'll get there so early even if the gigs at like nine. I'm like, I'll be there at 8 a.m Like I love it and now my boyfriend's the comics we travel together So we'll open for one another and it's great because like now fucking beauty. Oh my god I never it's so funny because people would always be like, don't you know now that you single the worst thing you can

Do is date a comic and I'm like, why don't you just say the worst thing I could do would be date a bad person You know what I mean? Like don't not all comics are bad to like what does that even mean like we have a lot in common How great is that and now going on the roads like a vacation? You have a lot in common, but at the same time I Don't believe in I love my wife. I love the baby and You know, I block him out Thursday night show I fly out Thursday morning and Thursday night just block him out Friday I block him out Saturday. I let them come in. I'll look at the picture the baby Because I know I'm coming home the next day Every week I say maybe next week I'll bring him on the road, but I always differentiate business and family

Like I have to work this week in San Diego. I fucking hate it Because I have to leave them Friday at Lake Tannen drive down It's different than being on the fucking road. Yeah when you're on the fucking road You're on the road and I don't even like this try lovely I don't bring me on the fucking road with me because I'm not gonna say I'm losing nobody Like checking that fucking hotel room the first time I do is turn around and look for do not disturb That's the first thing you do then you take a shit and you take your clothes off You put them on the fucking thing then you look at the room service menu

And you see what time the bar is open to maybe you go down there and eat something You know by the time I get the itinerary the night before I look at the hotel to see what type of food They have that's what I do if they have a hotel Wait, what type of gym they have? I did a college on Tuesday in Texas and I was coming to LA Wednesday And we have made we have friends to stay with but Wednesday night I was like, let's just get a hotel just for fun like our first night there I had no shows so staying in a hotel in Texas for this gig and I'm backstage before I have to go on

Looking at my phone this girl who works the college like oh, what are you doing? I'm looking up hotels. She's like be been on your phone for two hours. I'm like, yeah I fucking like I love looking at like booking comm and orbit. Oh, no, no, that's not my bed. Oh, really? Oh, no, no, fuck you. No, no, no, no, fuck that shit to look at the Hotel no when they call me mm-hmm when the agent contacts me and they go you go into Texas And they go you stand at a double tree Austin. I'll go on and look at that hotel Oh, yeah, well once I pick the hotel they got to offer me and then I go through it and I go all right We got a gym. We got tacos. We got a breakfast buffet. We got coffee in the room. What halfway there

I hate the I hate continental buffet the breakfast. Yeah, like oh free breakfast and it's like Look at the continents Africa. They're starving. You want to give me an apple and an almond for breakfast Go fuck yourself. I go to the hotels. They got that Hindu breakfast They got those scrambled eggs. They made out of fucking milk and fucking Indian toenails and you got some fuck Dead sausage patty and you got like a bagel and they got an Indian breakfast All these hotels are owned by Indians. They just keep them in the back. It's like political They're run by so it's like the mafia in Vegas. They put like regular white people to run the hotel

But you smell Carrie when you check in you're like, this is a Hindu hotel Don't tell me you don't know what I'm fucking talking about, you know, like when you work or any Roger Paul gig Those are all Hindu hotels. Oh my god. I haven't done a Roger. Yeah bananas and fucking whatever. Is he still around? Yeah, well, he's still sending people to help that poor guy So I did bananas and like in like 2000 God five six and I was the emcee and it was me and a magician was the feature and then I don't remember who the headliner was and a Friday night show audience loved me Saturday early show audience loved me. I was like, I this is like I'm like the best, right?

Saturday late show they hate they hate they connected to nothing and then I said Are you guys ready? Okay? I'm gonna bring the first time you guys ready to have a good time and this older guys like elderly guy I don't think he meant to whisper because he had a hearing aid because he leaned over to his wife He goes all of a good time once she's off the stage, but it wasn't a heckle He just was whispering, but he was right here again. I don't know what happened But like I lost it. I was like, I didn't get mean I just go. Oh, you don't like me That's weird. Well, I just found out the hotel lost my room and I have to sleep with you and your wife tonight You excited to sleep with me and he was like it wasn't even funny. It was just like weird and then I'm really quiet

I'm like, all right. Well this next act. He's a magician. They were like, yeah Magician like I was like can you fucking make me disappear because like this is but it's the worst But it was so weird because I was like I did the exact same jokes that I did the other two shows like but it's Saturday night late It's a different head. No, it's a different attitude. There was a room The stress factory ten years ago. The reputation was Friday night late. Don't sweat it Hmm, don't don't even sweat it. Don't judge yourself. They just they're from the college and they just don't laugh They just don't know fucking dying Friday night. You know some shows you say the exact same material Maybe a timing. Maybe you said something in the beginning. We're just talking about this last night. How?

Everybody the big you know now the number one thing is everybody's blessed. All right I'm so blessed. Go fuck yourself. You cheat on your wife. And I was like you're fucking blessed but the number two is Dad shows the bad shows how I don't even know what the fuck I'm getting that here. This is terrible Late night spot No one laughed what you talked with this last night How fucking you know you as a comic You don't want to judge nobody as a human being but in reality when you're a comic people judge you within the first 30 seconds

It's when you walk into an audition for a room. We don't judge instantaneously It's what we do. We don't like to say it in public that we judge people But we fucking do and the same thing would stand up, you know Some people go to a show and they have like this weird thing of what fucking stand up is But they judge you within the first 30 seconds. You might say something wrong. I've seen great comics at the store I mean, how many great comics have we seen bomb at the store? They want to have a little bit too much confidence. Maybe not enough confidence Saturday late. It's a bunch of drunk people. They want you to come on talk about your pussy and how hairy it is

Smells and they'll fucking love that shit. You follow me. So every show has different needs. So Just fucking a magician around is always bad luck. I Fucking hate working magicians. Whatever magicians on the show. I feel terrible about myself Have you done that show before with a magician? Yeah, a couple of fucking shows with magicians What is it? What is the bookers thinking like we're gonna entertain them? People like hypnotist Magician and but that's great But don't put it with a stand-up because I did a college with a magician and hypnotist. Oh god You might as well shoot you. I know and I was like well first of all

I was like that the hypnotist hypnotize you guys to love him because like that's not fair You know what I mean? Like you how can I compete with that? No one's gonna like stand up and applaud for my joke about my mom when some guy just like Made someone like some hypnotist are good like they're dirty dr. Dirty. Yeah, there's one Boston. Yeah, dr. Dirty, right? Boston it's a Joel what the fuck is his name? Something we get didn't we work together at grill 56. Didn't I get you in there? It used to be an Andover. No Think so I thought you worked it with me now that I was looking at you. Oh my god

I think I worked with her at 56. So you worked for that guy the Jewish guy there I forget it was like it was an Andover with Jay Leno's from and they used to be a big restaurant called grill 56 96 what's the what's the road there 56? 95 girl 95 no they did comedy there and stuff like that. So Who the fuck knows But you see when it comes to stand I Can't say this but in my mind I think this when I see a club hiring the hypnotist he's taking money out of some comedians mouth

You follow me. Yeah, or a magician, but there's a need for that. Oh, yeah You know, there's a club Harvey's in Portland, Oregon. You ever look at their schedule You want to just put a gun to your eyeball below the fucking trigger because New Year's they have a two-piece band like this Comedy three-piece band. What is your life about if our New Year's you sit through an earbeat? One-man band and sit there and like clapping when he goes raise your hands You know put your hands up in the air. What the fuck did you do? Well, even I mean, maybe just because I'm a comedian, but I wouldn't I'm always kind of surprised you want to go to a comedy club on New Year's Eve, too Well, it's it's comedy clubs on New Year's Eve with people who usually don't go to New Year

Yeah, the toughest bombings I've had have been New Year's Eve Because people you go up there with a little cocky attitude and they're like, what the fuck is this? We thought it was gonna be a guy with a bow tie like Bob Hope Coming out and talking about the troops and did you hear the latest funny thing? You know my arms are heavy. I just flew in, you know shit like that. I don't fucking know I don't like working. They asked me today in my agency. Well, have you thought about New Year's and I said, you know run them by me But I really don't like working. I'd rather not I'd rather stay home. You've stayed you've done like local shows the past I'll do them every year eight o'clock show

I'm in my house by 10 30 I've done enough of them. I paid my dues on New Year's. I've done it. It's not like I'm just saying it off the bat I've done enough fucking new years. They're a nightmare. So why would I why would you go in front of me? I've never done New Year's Never. I've never been asked to do a New Year's show Isn't that terrible? No, but you're good for the eight o'clock show the midnight show that You fucking say some funny shit on twitter, dog Now, when did you evolve into this writing thing because I know you do a lot of writing I've always I've written since high school. What is your?

College degree. What would it be? I was theater and sociology. Look at you bad mother. Yeah, what were you doing? I did your post production digital post look at your eyeballs in the mirror If you want in the shower right now and look at your eyeballs, you just fucking drown yourself cocksucker So you do a lot of writing I do. Yeah, and you get paid good money, right? Um, I mean, it depends like when I work on a tv show. It's amazing. Do you work on tv shows? sometimes like I've done punch up on a few shows and I worked on um a couple m tv shows and then I have

Three pilots that I wrote that I want to try to sell at least one would be great Uh, and then I'm writing my first screenplay. I want to write it by the end of the year And make it like by myself not by myself, but independently Yeah, I love writing I could never I don't mean this as an incel to actors, but I could never Just be an actor, you know what I mean? I could never just be at home Submitting and going on auditions like I have to do the writing and I have to do that work ethic is fucking

horrendously bad The work ethic I have friends that are just actors and all they do is bitch and they have no control unless they Get up every morning get the breakdowns drop off envelopes like I did but you could even do that and still not I mean, I'm saying what I'm saying for me is like. Oh, no. No, I see what you're coming from. Yeah, yeah You don't know how the fuck they just sit on I couldn't like no me neither Because if I like I have a go web series right now with this comic brookman poplin like we wrote it We paid to shoot it. We produced it. We act in it and it's I'm the co-star and it's not, you know, like

I love that there's so much Like of your own creating now. So yeah, I would love to get cast in a sitcom and in a movie But if I don't I'll just make it myself just make it yourself. Yeah, and I know Yeah in the way and I like what I write and I know I'm gonna write good lines for me. So Yeah, if you think of something while you're going you just say it without some chick coming up. Excuse me. Yeah, the line is He just got home But that sounds like dick Let me throw this motherfucking flavor into the mix, bitch. It's fox motherfucker 10 o'clock

What's up, Lisa? Look at your fucking eyeballs. Yeah, what am I gonna do with your eyeballs tonight? What did you eat today? How many edibles did you eat? Let's see two. Yeah We had a full green hornet we had I had like at least 50 milligrams of the star of death At least Well, but I went to her mom's house for dinner and what did you eat over there tonight? She makes this like spicy beef, but she makes like home potatoes like almost like french fries But not fried she puts those in with like a little bit of rice. Oh, so good your mom. No, my girlfriend's mom She's Mexican. He's dating a spanish chick. So he's in fucking that little jew boy with a little spanish chick

Turning them out and stuff. Look at him. She's turning them out with food though It's not like she's sticking her finger up his ass and she's walking around with a limp She's turning them out with food. Look at him. He's all happy. I didn't know for sure He don't like assholes. He don't like fingers. He's never sniffed her asshole. What kind of fucking jew is this? He didn't even sniff her ass on Easter That's when jews usually sniff assholes. You know what I'm saying? They're angry. I didn't know that Yeah, well now you fucking know see that's what happens when you listen to the church or what's happening now One thing about you, uh, you're always in a good mood. Am I?

Listen man, uh, I love women. Yeah, I always yearn for a sister. I have my mom left a sister in Cuba So I always yearn for a sister. So As a young kid, my mom said would say when you see somebody doing something to a woman that could be your fucking sister Yeah, you know, and I'm always one of those guys, you know, and I like breaking women's balls who break your balls back I like a little tough woman. You know, there's no sense in calling the woman a dummy and she just sits there and takes it And tells your friends if she says go fuck yourself. We got a friendship We got something to work with you know the same. I don't want no lame woman around me I want a woman like my mom around me

And at the economy store, that's cruelty ink You know, that's cruelty. Oh all the door guys hated me when I first showed up, you know and uh You know you've been in it for even a couple years before and I know you 10 years, you know from the store and you're in it And you're always smiling and you gotta remember one thing and I always if you look at women's careers I was talking to somebody yesterday at steep Simone's part about women with music I've always been a fan of women with music

But if you look at a lot of women studying with Ricky Lee Jones The first album was sensational the second album bombed and then they didn't recover Hedy Bricale and the new barbarians never recovered Cheryl Crowe's second album wasn't that good The third one was good, you know and and you look at all these women and you see that sometimes they just go away Sometimes their ovaries get in the way Sometimes the woman's ovaries get in the way dog. Yeah, and when you can't fight mother nature And they go just go away and they become writers or whatever And it's great when you see women who stick it out from all the girls at the store when you were there

I don't see nobody no more I don't see Rita Jones. I don't see came to virus. I don't see You know Marilyn died. I don't see I saw the chick that looks like barbis tricellar last week Who's that? I forget the jewish chick real funny cute chick that looks like barbis tricellar from back with that But you know, I don't know what the percentage is for guys sticking it out with comedy But I wonder what the percentage is with women like when you thought about calling back that leg You had no reason to feel bad about it even looking back at it now because How many fucking people really stay out here?

Wait, did I feel that I felt bad when I said that when you laughed after? Yeah, I mean, I wish that I had the work ethic Then that I have now and like I wish I knew then that all I had to do was stick with something and just be patient I was just really impatient. I was like, I'm not super successful and famous after two years Bye like that was like my mentality because I think also because things happen kind of fast for me here Like getting past at the store right away. I was like, oh, I guess I don't really have to work that hard I just get things not in like a bratty way. It was just I was naive You know and I was like, well, I think I have like good and I read a lot of

Self-help books and so I was like, well, I like good energy So like me karma will like really help but like yeah good energy and karma has to go hand in hand with hard work And I wasn't you know, I was like Not when you when you committed to comedy like you're talking about you weren't committed you were Something would slam the door and you would move the other direction. I think I really committed at 30 Well, god bless you took me 32 or 33 to go I've done everything like I was just a fucking failure

Oh, I felt like a huge failure when I was 30. I was just a failure. I mean Well, that's high school. I signed up for college. I flunked after I didn't flunk. I just I was making 75 tiring rolls of fucking roof paper up a roof and My rent was 125 a month and I had to go to get up and go to classes and I didn't really know what the fuck I was going to classes for like I was like you like why am I taking these classes if I'm not gonna finish this I don't know what I want to be. I don't want to be a doctor. That's too hard I want to be something in two weeks. I need something in two weeks. I was always the two week dude

So if I get a job next week, julia as the fucking janitor Can I be a tv anchor man in two weeks? That was my Yeah, yeah, that's how I used to be, you know, so it's like I got a job a roof and then I got I went to like a vocational school for plumbing But once I found that you had to stick your hand in toilet with shit that wasn't gonna work So fuck plumbing so I wasn't gonna become a painter and but I didn't like heights And I was in the clean windows, you know, it was like everything had an excuse Yeah

Like and then I get my friends work hard to get me a job that paid money Then it was why would I do this very bucks an hour? Then my friends would go What if we got you a union fucking loading truck 22 hours an hour? I'll do it. I do it three nights and go this sucks. Yeah. Yeah, because then I'd say I'm 18 What am I gonna be doing when I'm 30 loading fucking trucks? Loading fucking trucks. So everything I would go do I'd always read through between the lines I sold cars. I was a closure at a car dealership. I flunked at that. It was like I got a job at benign as a cook so I could become a bartender

Because you had to be a cook first so you could get into the bartending program Oh my god, you know, and then they would give me these curve balls I got into the electrician union, but they wanted my high school algebra grades What's that got to do with fucking getting electrocuted? How good of a good for your benign? Do you think when I'm getting fucking electrocuted? I'm gonna be thinking about my algebra grades if 3.14 equal pi whatever the fuck it is. It does. Huh? Huh? Let me tell you what happened at benign. I must have lasted maybe three hours those when I used to rob gas stations in jersey

I used to go these gas stations and get a job as an attendant because they pumped gas in jersey Yeah, so I was addicted to it. I was doing like two a week for like two three thousand dollars I had my friends pick me up. I would get a job as julia rosy I would apply for the midnight shift. There we go. What kind of harm is it? Well, if you apply for eight to four, they're gonna do reference checks But how many fucking people come in here and volunteer from 12 to eight? They're just they're just high Uh, can you show up before today? I don't know. I got plans, but yeah, I'd be here for if you need me I guess and they'd say every time you get a thousand bucks drop it in the hole

I would keep it and after I had like three thousand I call you and say pick me up and give me three bills Maybe down the corner. I just get in the car. So here I am in a fucking benign Getting yelled at by black people to fucking make whole baked potatoes. Well, those potato skins Let me tell you something. I hate fucking potato skins I've hated potato skins since I was 10 either give me the fucking mashed potato with the skins Or take the fucking skins and throw them in the garbage and make the mashed potatoes But don't fill up a fucking dead potato skin with bacon and sour cream and expect me to eat that communist shit You might as well put ranch dressing and then kill me once and for fucking all

I think they have those but I fucking went nuts. I had to make like 200 as a prep I had to make 200 of those baked potato shells things And that was it. I went around the gas station. I was like fuck this. I don't need this Fuck you I worked out uh, uh, well, this was like in high school. I worked at a bagel place burgers bagels Uh, I said go for you And well and this guy that I Because these are the kind of people that I crush is on this guy that I crushed on worked there from high school

And he would He once put his hand down his pants and I heard the ripping He ripped all his puke a handful of pubes out and then threw him in the cream cheese And then served cream cheese to this woman and thought it was hilarious and I And and I am so moral and I wanted to tell on him, but then I was like, but then he's not gonna like me And I was like, oh like I think about it all to this day. I'm like I can't believe I let my fucking like crush insecurity

I'm gonna like friend of me on facebook and I wanted to write back. I'm already fucking ripped your pubes out And gave how would you like it as someone to that to your daughter that you have pictures of all over your facebook? And gradually was 16 ladies like pubes. Maybe when she hit them Maybe when she bit into that sandwich you said, you know what somebody put a fucking pubes. It's my lucky day No, no, no pubes. Yeah. Yeah, maybe she A lot of people like pubes julia rosy. Just not you A lot of people like really spit them out and they they rub them on their face I like brugers bagel a nice poppy seed with cream cheese and some turkey with a tomato

Salt and pepper and some pubes. No when you live in new york though, you can't go to burgers No, you don't that's for fucking gentiles It's like I was in long island and I saw a guy on the elevator with like fucking dominoes pizza I hate that or like little john or uh puppet little john's poppy john's When you see some go to poppy john's or dominoes in new york, you look at the fuck is wrong with you We have olive garden on time square And when I said you want to just sit out there with a fucking missile And just shoot people pick them off that would be tremendous just to shoot people outside olive garden manhand

And then go on like pirate tv on the news We will shoot you in new york You want to go to olive garden go to burbank, bitch And then an all good all good commercial come up like what after you when you hear you get shot Where's toni bethak? Is this the music that will play while we shoot people This is I want to be around. Oh, shit

If you don't have a rampage, Joe, I can see you. Shut the fuck up pop suck at this toni bethak On a bad day, I think I have his nose He's a beautiful man. Yes. He's a man. It's just that's the word. That's the key word How are the how fucking high are you? Oh my god? Good. We're gonna eat another star. No, we're not. Yes, we are. We're going deeply We're going deep tonight. How many of these did you eat? Uh, I had one full One full of those And then I had about 50 milligrams of that big store. What's the big all that thing? Yeah

So it's gonna be a fun Monday night madness. We're missing duke against wisconsin right now, but who gives a fuck We're doing a podcast. We're talking about julia. Mm-hmm. How bad do they feel though? Who kentucky? Everybody and their mother had kentucky. I know every bookmakers at home going who gives a fuck about the final Everybody had kentucky and we fucking I don't know what the line was so I really can't tell you. I can't contribute anything to this No, you don't know I didn't know what the fuck was going on. I don't know what he knows about everything. He knows about baseball, but He when he talks about the boston res house, he goes we Oh, I don't do that. Do you do that thing where you're like when they win you go? We want

Yeah, all the time, but then when they lose you go, they lost We we we won today Touchdowns I knew we were gonna win because the defensive back was lacking Leo go fucking I wish I knew that much about football you bad motherfucker. So what's for dinner? You got any leftovers or toss a leak? Yeah, she she gave me leftovers. What do you got? How many how many you got today? No, just like uh, it's a dish. It's like some beef. It's like spicy sauce a couple tamales or anything. No couple fucking uh Those things you wrap them with tortillas tortillas, nothing

She makes them other really good. They're very good. You're very lucky. You ever nice. Did you bring a flowers? Yes, they know because boy wanted to go home like a fucking sluts We go to this part. I'm telling you went to this party yesterday I don't fuck listen. I don't fuck around with steve's house. He said right. I know steve Steve's a great guy, but everybody brought these nice desserts. I showed up with carvel cake. We just sang the boat Wait carvel just a fucking overthrows everything the best part about the cake is something. What did it say? Happy birthday? Jesus came out of the cave. Happy birthday What do you say when you pop out of a cave after three fucking days?

They thought you were dead. Happy birthday. You're right in cocksuckers slinging dick and giving out pubas Fuck it. Well It was happy birthday was written in pubic hairs. No, I was written But it was fun. Thank you for steve's Simone for having us So it was a lot of fun to make it feel like home and he made a great lasagna But lee was like eating every fucking cake. Oh and cupcake and fucking aria I'm like, why are you wasting your calories on all this garbage? No, the oil. You know what this shit Did you take the Oreo cupcakes home? No, I couldn't were they good?

What was what was the Oreo filling or Oreo on the top for the frosting in the top? Yeah, the fucking thing too. No, I don't I only had one to eat the whole cupcake. I had one cupcake You're only supposed to eat the frosting you fuck. What you have to tell us But oh wait, I wanted to say something. I got I got you high last week. It was token. There's birthday I forgot to say happy birthday token. He's forward. He's recovering. Everything's all right. He's doing awesome. You got his kidney from Mexico I don't know what he got from where But yeah, I figured I was too high on a happy birthday talking like he's a good dude listen to the podcast So what's the happy birthday Ozzy? What's going on in your world right now?

Why are you in LA? Why I'm in LA? Well, I came to do shows and I came to record this Our film this thing well for true TV how to be a grown-up So I'm going to be on some episodes of that next season and then For me, uh, so my web series seeing other people with brook vam poplin that you can watch at seeing other people Series calm and then I'm recording my new album at new york comedy club, uh, june thursday june 25th I knew your comedy club was happening. Yeah, is it where is it 30 summer street still 20?

I think it's 26 between second and third I remember one night I went and a bunch of my buddies with that There was the guy who was there was the driver when we mugged the hooker We were in high school. So this is 20 years later. He came with some friends and he came back for on him No, he came over just to watch me and I remember going for a walk Like I was nervous, you know in those days I do comedy once a week and it was always like a mind fuck, you know Like it was always like a big thing I remember going for a walk walk walk walk and walking and walking right up to spark steakhouse with paul castellano

Got shot and going this is an omen. I'm gonna get far. I'm gonna die to that like going I walked up on a dead crumb scene now. I'm gonna die on stage You know like I just but he was very good to me always at the new york comedy club in the beginning He let me go up a couple times That's fucked up. That was such a long time ago I feel like when I was at the comedy stores forever ago In 10 years ago, it feels like a long time ago. Well, the beauty of it is like I see girls like you and carousel tonovitch and And I look at you you've grown up into a woman. You're a beautiful woman. Oh, thank you when I first met you

You were just a young fucking girl, you know, I don't know if you were scared and I was just breaking your balls before But I still remember your italian brown eyes and like This was all new to you, you know, this is oh, yeah, you're in the fucking major leagues at the comedy store You know for people who I've said a thousand times and you go to the comedy store Even if you just go to the hangout, you feel like you're getting watched Like you're being watched at all times like You're in the major leagues. You just don't get into strolling to the comedy store Especially for somebody like you that had been on stage a couple times. I never knew that

You know mitzi liked you and threw you to the wall. She saw something. So What she saw she was correct. You're still in the game. You just wasn't no flash in the pan But she threw you, you know, she put you up earlier. I remember that right when you early in the night Yeah, like would she put you up at nine or would you put you up in the middle? No, she would put me at the or all different times and then I think the first time I did the main room was like the all girl show My third month there and then I would host open mics and the the The potluck on Sundays once in a while. I remember this. I think the first time I ever hosted potluck dice came in

Did like, you know, three hours for whatever it was and then so I went outside I hung out and he was like, where's that dummy? Where's that dummy who's hosting get that dummy back on stage and I just and again because I didn't know I was just like Don't call me a dummy. Like I like got on stage and got all like feisty But I remember his other time uh eddie griffin was upstairs and he was just making these Horrible rape jokes. They just had no fucking good. They're they're bad original No upstairs in the belly room He did these like and I didn't know who he was

Because I was just like so new to comedy and he made these horrible rape jokes And I had just gotten to LA with my sociology degrees So I was like, yeah, I talk about women like that and I was like Well, the only way that eddie can get late is so if he rapes a girl then I'm not surprised and the audience fucking Went bananas and then one of the door guys was like, you know, that's eddie griffin, right? And I was like, I don't know about it. Like I that was the attitude I had I wasn't um It wasn't that I was like super confident. I just was clueless You know what I mean, and I kind of I want a little bit of that again of that like whatever like I don't know

That is what they're he's not gonna put me in fucking undercover brother or whatever, you know what I mean like what? I So that was my time there I just hear horror stories from girls in comedy and you read them. Holy shit Holy shit, it's you know Listen, I'm not gonna tell you I never busted a girl's balls at the comedy store For her talent, you know, I'd bust her door. I'd bust her balls

Maybe late night we're drinking and you had a couple cartels and you're doing drugs or something, but I never really Got into it, but there was one girl at the comedy store That told his dad on them, but her name is We got into a conversation one night. She came into the comedy store and she wanted just to do a spot And I go I wish I could help you And she goes if anybody could help me, it's you you could help me You're the host or because I got Sunday night. I don't know you

And she goes I'm from Cincinnati or whatever the fuck she was and You know, mitzsche sure as the building and if mitzsche would see me And I just didn't let her up. I couldn't do anything. I remember going to the window guy and the guys said she's gonna be a regular Bro, you're gonna get yelled at and shit, you know And I always felt guilty about that I didn't put her up. I never seen him again I don't know if she ever did comedy again She had like glasses and red hair and she said she had featured for all these people and she was a regular at some club and Cincinnati whatever the hot club was then go bananas. I think

But I wasn't mean to her. You know what I'm saying? I was telling her the truth. She took it Like if I was mean like when we were outside she goes from if I suck your dick You put me on stage and I go, I didn't say that you did. I'm just saying I can't put you up. This is not mine But I never busted a girl's balls about her town One night LaMaire was on stage and I was really stoned And I was on the side of the economy store And sometimes you don't even need to be stoned Sometimes you're just thinking of a thought

Sometimes your mind is just blank and just like that guy that didn't know he had the earphone That he thought he was whispering LaMaire was up on stage and she said I've never ever ever had plastic surgery in my life And me in the back of my mind I said stop it And I thought I was saying it to myself in my head. Oh, no And she's like stop who said that and me and John Capurulo was in the other side. We just died Because I didn't Knew I had said it, you know, there was the girl who sued Don Barris. What was her name?

Oh, I don't know. She just made a comeback to the store You know, I mean she sued Don Barris because Don Barris used to torment her But she used to get up on the store and just die. She was an older Italian woman From Brooklyn. Judy Kenciati. She sued Don Barris. Yes. She took him to court or something like that So Judy Kenciati would get on stage at the fucking comedy store And I would cut through the outside bar And if you go through the outside bar, you can get behind the stage in the original And I dropped my pants and I go behind them just open the curtain and close it

So she would come up to me after with a bunch of us and go that was the best set of my life Like she didn't know I was getting behind there and opening up the curtain and showing people my dick and people would die A laugh that I closed the curtain and I just sit back there for 10 minutes. I did shit like that Yeah But I never tortured the girls like I hear women get fucking tortured at the store like I mean I There was Two guys in particular that were just super nasty. There were door guys that eventually were like Non-paid and then maybe paid after I don't really know but they

hated me I was nice. I was whatever they just hated the fact that I walked in there Got made a paid regular right away And didn't pay my dues or whatever and they were just fucking horrible to me There was this one time and but all the other door guys were great to me like And like everyone who I mean chewy was always had my back And like you like there were a lot of people that were really sweet to me and I get it I get that you're mad that

I guess you worked hard taking looking at ids and you're mad that i'm funny and talented and happy Really mad that i'm happy super mad that I was a happy person And there was this one night that I was hosting potluck On a sunday and these two guys were the door guys and remember that pimp that would come Do you remember there was a pimp that would like he was dressed like a pimp I don't know if he was a comic or what was he a big guy or a shorter pimp Because I remember I remember the tall pimp. No, I think he was the shorter

He was a black guy a big had like purple or i don't know what he had but he purple jumps He like uh, what was pimp name ever heard? He interrupted me or he interrupted some I don't know what but he was causing like he was getting aggressive and like coming toward the stage and I Was yelling for door guys to come help me They just stood in the door and laughed at me and didn't come help me and that was one of the situations I was like so you this guy could hit me. You know what I mean? Like that was probably the only time that I felt really Scared as a woman and just also felt really hurt because I was like it's okay if you don't like me

But your job is to protect the comics and you're not doing it. That was the only time I felt Yeah, I felt really uh My gender really like do you know what I mean? I was really aware of my gender because I wasn't really aware of my gender When I was there and I'm not really too. I'm aware of my gender and comedy in that I speak From a female perspective because I'm a woman and I don't know any other perspective But I'm not really that aware of my gender and that oh, I'm not

As funny as I just I don't maybe because I've been doing it a while But I don't even like to acknowledge that anymore because you guys have your own world Yeah, but you guys have your own thing. I mean, I would never fucking want to compete with a woman at all It's just it's so funny like I did that You know this is not happening and that and when it went online I just looked at the first couple comments, but I won't oh you shouldn't do that I know I know but I wouldn't get in the hole, but I look at the first few I know I know I know but like I was like, let me just because I some like some people said nice things and I was like, oh

There's one guy So my story is about I get shit on my hand and then at one point in the story I also shit in Tupperware that's in my story that happened and this one guy writes This one guy writes the another female comic talking about typical female comic stuff I was like what other female comic chat in Tupperware I would love to meet her because I feel so alone about the fact that I shit You know what I mean like you another typical female talk like what is female comedy stuff and also Of course, I'm gonna talk about female stuff. I'm a fucking woman

So that's definitely been a switch. I think for me in the past couple years was like I think there was a while in the middle where I tried to Pull back a little bit on talking about like Anything that was too female because I didn't want to alienate and this is when I was going through like, you know The comedy identity crisis that I think a lot of comics go through But then like in the past few years like even more so now I'm like, what else can I say about my period? What else can I say about Tits and shitting and like I'm like, I don't fucking care anymore. Like it's real shit and smart intelligent men

will appreciate it and Idiots that hate women and will always hate women will hate it and oh, well, they're not my audience and I feel bad for them I really do I feel bad for angry men because life could be so much nicer I've always had a weird respect for women in comedy Because I know I know how dangerous they can be You know a woman gets pissed off She could be fucking dangerous up on stage. Like if I was a woman and guys fucked with me

I'd do what guys do is you eat a roast beef sandwich and you get the pen and piece of paper and go to work And go up there and lash out. You know, I'm like just lash out not go up and say fuck man and just yeah But uh, I've always been a fan of that shit. Like I've always been I like watching women kill I like to watch a woman kill over the last couple years. Everybody has Stupid opinions about women. First of all, I hate when they say women comedy world comedians I always hated and I played the game when I got here about Latino comedy black comedy Look at the end world fucking comics. Yeah, just come on down and watch the fucking show Do you know that's it? What's the big fucking deal?

I remember talking to someone about women in comedy and she was she was a comedian She was like well when I used to work in computer programming I also experienced sexism and then like someone else was like, yeah I mean every I know it's it's a it's a All these articles that come out about women in comedy and sexism and all this stuff like I get it But I'm also like but it's not comedy that's sexist. The world is sexist every industry Has sexism. It's it's the sadness of Society they're got not all guys. I'm not I love men

If I didn't love men this wouldn't hurt me so much Do you know what I mean? Because I know a lot of men Who are wonderful and respectful and would don't fucking freak out at the word feminist all feminist means is you think men and women should be treated equally and With kindness and when I hear a woman say, oh, I don't like to be called a feminist I'm like the fact that you had the right to say that out loud makes you a feminist You know what I mean? Like just it's I don't know I I to me life's pretty easy You're just I tell you something. Yeah, you hold it against me any of you guys

What I don't even know what feminist means. I don't give a fuck See I came from a single mom that was Cuban and she had the immigrant mentality But you are a feminist what all everything you just said makes you a feminist means you you I don't even know what the fuck a feminist is. I just told you what it means. It means Men and women should be treated equally That's never gonna happen I feel like

We can have a thought that that happens. I don't want my two-year-old daughter to think she's ever gonna be treated equally like a woman She's not It's just not gonna fucking happen. They're gonna tell you they're gonna blow smoke up your ass It's like the gay football player. I'm like who kept them. Where'd he play last year ain't gonna happen Ain't never gonna happen. I want you to think that I don't ever want you To think they're gonna treat you the same Who's they though whoever these fucking morons are the two doorman at the comedy store There's still people that live in 1940, but it's not saying that you think of course

I know people aren't gonna always treat me the same That's because there's always gonna be horrible people But it's the same way of saying Like telling a black person or a gape or whatever that they're We all know like we all know discrimination happens. We all know that sexism happens They're not saying it doesn't exist But if you as a person don't partake in that Then yeah, then you shouldn't be a a month ago. I'm walking past the fucking tv at the hotel, right?

Right, we all go to bed. We put something on we wake up the next one We leave the breakfast. We don't pay the electrical bill We leave it you come back and they're in there talking, you know three black women and the white chick But if they work with firms and then I'm making the same money that the guys in the office are And I'm sitting there going I agree that you deserve the same amount with the same education But you're not gonna fucking go for these motherfuckers don't think like that But it's never gonna change if nobody talks, right? No, no, no. Oh, I agree with you

Where my wife used to work. Yeah at the hollywood ball That, you know, the one chick had the job and they gave it to a guy And when we went out to dinner, I looked at her and I go, how long I know you you're in shock You're in shock. You're a 40 year old woman and this shocks you you should be shot now Because you know the fucking deal And I don't want you to think that way But I also want you to look behind the curtain. It's like when I call my agent go, how come I don't go on a populate season? I'm a funny guy. Yeah, you're right

But you're also 52. They don't write a lot of rules. Yeah, three-year-old fat fucking dudes I know this going in You know, what the fuck you getting on about cocksucker. I don't want you to be mad at me. I'm just saying no No, I would be mad at you if you said that happens and it's okay But but but so as a woman though, I'm not gonna say oh, I know that that happens Guess I can't do anything about it and fucking roll over and play dead You know, like I'm gonna fight as hard as I can to get what I want What the fuck you want? Absolutely and every man and woman should do that

But like you I mean those those women on tv have to talk about it or else people are gonna You know, even if one person hears those women talk on tv and starts to do their business differently Then it made a difference. You know, I mean I know it's not as much but isn't it also kind of weird the like if there's sexism towards men Like it just no one really seems to care about it. Where is there sexism towards men? I don't know. I'm way too high right now. I don't know that The answer to that but my girlfriend and I were talking and I forget but there's certain industries I guess where they have female only magazines or I don't know certain jobs that are geared towards only women

I don't know exactly right now, but there has to be some I feel I'm having a real hard time You know to me listen guys I was I was raised in the 70s And I was raised with a woman who lost her husband and she loved him daily And he left her some options and she made the right choice and she went and she worked hard every day And I saw a gun out with men So I've always cheered for women because that's where I came from My dad died my balls didn't come from my dad. My balls came from my mom

I got beat up and lied to her that I didn't the next day I came home She took me to the park and she goes pick one of these motherfuckers you're fighting today I came from all those fucking houses So that's why I never listened to none of that propaganda because a woman takes what the fuck she wants to take It's up to her. It's up to her You could listen to all this shit, but these motherfuckers really don't believe it. They just tell you that to come for you You know that they just tell you that to come for you, but in the back of their minds They still got a six fucking foot inch dick

But it's the woman who goes I don't give a fuck about your dick. I'll take that motherfucker I'll chop it off stickling your throat stickling your ass and I'll stitch it back on like frankinc's time for I That's the woman that I want to be with you know saying I don't want no fucking meat brought in it's fucked up That's true, but that's how a woman has to think until a society So that should never happen. He's gonna accuse you of being sexist toward men Julia walks into this office if tomorrow Julia comes in here, whatever a fucking name is mr Rossi comes in here tomorrow and says joey. I want a job. We hit the podcast and we go, okay

And the first day she comes in here go Julia your ass is banging and she giggles and turns around Julia just lost a fucking war Julia just lost a battle If Julia turns around and goes joe, we've been friends for 10 years. Listen, don't I have a fucking say that to me again Julie is either you're gonna get fired. I'm not gonna talk to her I'm gonna give all the respect in the world where I come from I'm gonna give you all the respect in the world because you turned around and told me to go fuck myself 60% of these gentiles that walk around LA. They'll fight you

Oh, they'll stop talking to you because you called them out me. I'm old school I'll go home and say she's a fucking cock sucker But that next day while I'm shaving I said she had some pair of balls. She weighs a buck 10 with a fucking With zedie in her pocket and I weigh fucking 300 pounds. She called me out Do you understand where I'm coming from? So a woman takes what the fuck she wants. Yeah, I'm old school If a woman's gonna walk in then two years from now say joey sexually harass me But you stay there for two fucking years. So go fuck yourself Go fuck yourself. You should have called him out the first fucking day. I know you need the job

I know you got a kid at home But you know what you're a woman you got nice titties go shake those motherfuckers up and seize this palace up there Whatever, I don't know. I don't fucking know But it's better than sitting on a tv and say I get beat on every day You follow me? I don't ever want a woman to hear that I have a wife I went to eddie bravo's tournament last month and it was all these jujitsu man But the star of the tournament was a nine-year-old chinese girl a korean girl gustasin gloria gustasin

And I watched this fucking woman fight a woman that was this nine-year-old girl fight a girl that was 15 pounds Every in a taller And I saw her throw this girl around with jujitsu because she used great technique And it brought me the tears. I got so emotional the next day eddie goes. What did you think? I'm like calling him. I go eddie that makes me all seeing that little girl do that Gives me hope from my daughter that she'll never fucking get thrown in the bush on her back. Do you understand me? That that you know women are fucking real man. So I don't know what the fuck feminist is. I don't know what anti-women means I don't know that shit. I want a woman to be fucking strong

Yeah, and teach girls jiu-jitsu, but someone should also teach boys not to throw girls and bushes. That's my that's one of my biggest That's one of my but I want you to be prepared for that motherfucker I don't want you coming home and saying daddy threw me in the bush. Fuck you go get a stick And beat that motherfucker tomorrow in front of that solar stand, but there should also be there's Okay, I Women you come from a tally house. You know what i'm talking about women should take self-defense absolutely But but it shouldn't always be like girls. There's all this. It's all information about how girls should protect themselves Someone should be teaching boys. Hey

Don't rape. You know what I mean? Like it's pretty. I don't think they do. I mean not as much. Don't you think it's just someone's a bad person? Was I don't know how much do you have to hate a woman to take her in a bush? How much do you have to hate a woman? I like to have a good time To stick my finger up some woman's ass. We all do julie You do a couple coke rocks. We drink some wine. I like eating some ass. I'm a freak But I swear to my mother's grave. I've never Could put a pill in a woman's drink and fuck her while she's passed out It's just not my even though i'm horrible in bed. I come in a minute

I would never dream of doing that to a woman. That's just not I love my mom. I don't know what it's got to do with I don't know what the fuck it's got to do with I don't know who the fuck knows why would somebody do something like that man this conversation took a turn Why would somebody wait in a bush and grab you by the throat and try to take your pants off? I mean, there's so many reasons I just don't get it. I never understood that I never understood how a man could have a picture of a five-year-old on the computer I understand how if a drug dealer walks in here right now And he's got a kilo of coke. I know I understand I could put the gun to his head and take it from him

I get that I don't I never understood our pornography. I never understood none of that shit, but that's just me I also never understood stealing the car, you know when they pull you over you're in the car. I can't talk myself out of that What about air her name does? That's fucking crazy. He was doing pcp. Who the fuck does pcp in 2015? I think it's bullshit I think it was smoking dope. He's blaming on the pcp. They all do back to julia razi. So That's my uh feminism. I think we I think we honestly, I think we solved it I think all the listeners are going to become Kind humans after in this conversation. Oh, they gotta do something, you know

It's weird you talked about the pimp You know the comedy store went through a lot of different phases like And when the tupac gets shot 96 or 97? But like from 90 to 93 Tupac, I'm not at the comedy store. Really? That bullet hole in the fucking stage by the main room is tupac. There was a shootout in the main room I had no idea it was tupac, but she was shot 96 She sold like a 93 92 this room is at the store having you know, it was a black club

Eddie griffin was the star and tupac would go up there and see him and martin larnes And uh, they had gun detectives at the door. No, you got the comedy store You know, then it calmed down for a while But then there's the pimp you talked about but I don't know if you guys remember the the the guys from st. Louis that robbed the bank They used to hang out at the store with chewy And they had a phone place down in Compton down there right in Crenshaw down in a bad neighborhood They had a phone place where you went to get pages. This is 98 and he would buy phones So at night at the store, I would be flat broke and I would hang out at the store

And I would wait for somebody to go to a window and say I lost my phone Don't anybody find and I'd run and take their fucking phone and take them to the place the next day in sun That's how broke I was, you know, I gotta do what the fuck you gotta do at the store But they hang out at the store all the fucking time Then they robbed this bank and they all went to jail for a long time But they were at the store every night you stole johns from people. No, I didn't steal I stole them from the lost in found box as well Like I would go in in the afternoons and go anybody find the phone last night and they go now

Why go look downstairs? I would go downstairs and take all the cell phones like two of them and take them down to that guy And he'd give me like 80 bucks Whatever at least But it's weird the different generations of thieves that if I'm gonna have to calm this to like you remember the pimp There was a couple pimps and there was a check he used to pimp out that lived in harry's building next to The sandwich place. What's next to harry's building pink dot pink dot She was like a mulatto girl. She was mixed and she had an afro Did you say I've not heard anyone use that other than my father

And she had saws around her lips. So listen to me. It wasn't that in that in complex. It was brian holtzman harry and princess quarry I don't know princess quarry princess quarry used to be the talent coordinator. She used to be married to freddie solar So princess quarry. This is way before she became the talent coordinator She was the bartender at the store. So she did blow I did blow so hang out with princess quarry from time to time Do a couple bumps? So princess quarry would have after parties at that place

And I remember one night I went to that place and I was snoring blow And the pimp looked at me and he goes you looking to meet somebody tonight. I didn't know he was a pimp Like what are you talking about? You know, I didn't know I was like three in the morning. He pointed to the mulatto girl with the sores on her feet She looked like jesus with the sores on her feet and shit. I was like How are you pimping this fucking hemophiliac out? And that was that's the last time I seen I don't know what happened to her. She used to buy coke from chewy All those people chewy drew all those people in slash

Tommy Lee used to come there at night. It was fucking crazy the store when I got there was crazy But then you came years later the fucking little julia rosy look at the walking around like rocky's wife all shy Look at her now. She's a fucking big girl now. You know what I'm saying? How you feeling league cock suck you're gonna go home and eat those tacos. Yeah, and they're not tacos, but yeah They just meet mean potatoes Just meet oh no, leo fucking killed lego's home now They'll kill that motherfucker tonight. The mother used to work at a restaurant

So she doesn't know how to make like small portions and he'll walk over to men cheese and get a fucking little yogurt frozen Oh, no, I can't leave the house. Let me give some shout outs here my main man Jose Velasquez and amber Having a little baby up in Ventura. I did that chinese restaurant up there the hong kong land on friday Now you got to get on on this tremendous my man camilo books. It's fucking great little comedy community There's like five young comics go up first The shrimp and lobster sauce was not bad The shrimp fried rice was off the fucking chain. Well, it's good about it. The shrimp were good. It tasted authentic

You know, I didn't have a lot of peas peas and carrots to throw you off like I'm gonna play I don't like that much. I don't want it overwhelming the fucking pork that that uh The shrimp fried rice, you understand me, but I had a good time up there My girl. So one more shout out to Jose Velasquez Big time fan of the podcast, you know, is I love him laia. Hernandez you sexy bitch Michael who he's are so rend Joey Collins will sassos calf Adam do mark

And lori punky 42 you sexy bitch, you know, I love you too. You know what I'm saying What else? What else you got planned this week? You went to the gym today? Yeah, you got to burn off that carvel fucking cake. Yeah yesterday. Yeah I mean meatballs eat tell me the truth too. I had three. They were good. They were delicious fucking delicious I love Italian for you cook. I do cook. What do you cook? I make really good meatballs? Uh, I do pasta homemade pasta sauce tiramisu Are you a bad motherfucker? You're married. You're gonna check the marriage

What's going on with this guy from chicago? You're gonna marry this guy? What are you gonna do? Yeah, yeah, we'll say really you like him that much. Oh, he's yeah, I'm so great. He's a headliner also Yeah, he's he's uh, he's just got to chicago or he just got to new york like almost two years ago And he hosts the sunday at the knitting factory His name's will miles. He's great. Okay. Yeah, and you get along with him I mean ridiculous and you want to travel with this fucking dude This is why you're gonna become a comic to get peace of mind to go on the road and not Not so you get finger bank, but you go on the road to

You have different adventures not to have some guy beating down your throat. Yeah We're starting a podcast and a show soon And we're gonna have like couples that are both like comics or couples that are both musicians and come on and talk about Love and relationships and all that stuff. Yeah, I love working with him. He's awesome. Super happy Who else is a comic that's married the guy tom codder Tom codder, uh, there's luka palanka And tammy pascatelli sigura Tom sigur and christine pizinski

There's bonnie and rich rich boss. That's right. There's and then there's a lot of I mean I know a lot of couples that are dating that i'm friends with that are comics It's very interesting how you You uh go to this, you know, this place is during the week and You don't even go in there with the intention of getting laid. You go in there with the intention of doing comedy and just whatever Then you start flirting with somebody. It's what a fucking weird scene it is and You attract a somebody who I don't know. It's kind of weird when you're for I dated a comic I liked it and I didn't like it. There were things I like

And there were things I didn't like we're not competitive That's that's I think the main thing that works. We just were very very very supportive of each other's career No, it wasn't about the comic competitive. It was the kind of this shit like, uh You know if I got a gig call the booker see if he needs an opener, you know tight deal and you feel bad I don't want to work with you. I love you to death. Let's just meet at the house about one and then we'll drink some wine And we'll roll some joints. I don't want to be around. Yeah, see we like working with each other. So now you do Yeah, I don't know what years. Yeah, two more years. Usually was You're gonna be up the west side. I go to fucking jersey. Leave me the fuck alone. All right. I'll be home at one

No, I wish you the bad. No, you know, I'm just saying I just I always liked my getaway You know, my wife is an accountant, you know So when I go home at night I don't I ask her about business aspects of comedy I don't have to ask her about talent aspects of comedy. So I didn't know What it would be to be on the couch and for her to come home and go, you know, this guy is He called me a bitch or whatever that would add extra drama to my fucking world. Yeah

Plus I like getaways. I've always enjoyed going to places where people don't talk to me about comedy Yeah, we we're pretty good at shutting off comedy talk. Don't you get home? Yeah, yeah We like smoke weed and watch parenthood and that's it and then we and you live together now We're moving in together me first. Jesus Christ. Oh my what the fuck? Yeah, he wants he's he's this is first time here. He loves it here. So now he's like I'm like, okay. Where is he tonight? Uh, we're both uh, he's at a show Called the business and then we're both doing a show at ucb at 11 call tonight. Yeah And I'm fucking Monday night. Yeah the one in Los Feliz the one on Franklin

Yeah, yeah, yeah Los Feliz. Yeah next to have you been there before? To the uh, no, no not the one on sunset the other one right and Los Feliz. Have you been to that one? Yeah, yeah, I just did a show there saturday. They got a place next door like a chicken place birds birds Yeah, that's the one we're at tonight. You go to fucking go in there tonight. Oh, I've eaten birds so many times the chicken soup. Oh, yeah Oh Your mother fuck is like Joe. You don't know what you're talking about. Listen to me You don't go in anybody can make a fucking chicken. It's a shame. We pay 10 bucks for a chicken like this was great 10 bucks for a chicken you paid this fucking moron

For salt and pepper and a good oven But they do Great chicken soup. It's kind of spicy. You're gonna hate me. I don't love soup But hold on one second. Yeah, you think I walk up and down the street yelling. I like soup I'm just telling you that You know, sometimes people go in there You need what are your choices when you go into fucking whatever you get a half a chicken a quarter chicken a whole chicken Chicken catch a torii chicken flambé. You know what I'm gonna have a little chicken soup

Thanks for the suggestion. Yeah, you never fucking know. Maybe turn out after the show They want to go on and get a drink everybody why be like it with all the other morons all this chicken skin is enough Fuck you. I'm gonna get the chicken soup. You don't be so fucking happy. You had a little wine to it It seems like a Puerto Rican made it but not really a white dude Plus release You know, what the fuck you giggle about? You didn't know what Puerto Ricans cook like you fuck Yes, I do. Where do you live in the city, julie? Uh, right now I live in williamsburg, but I'm moving over to borham hill What do you think about williamsburg? How much they changed it?

I mean, I like it because I'm used to it. I'm familiar with it, but I feel old now Older it's young It's fucking every place is young oldest places to the hip don't become hip because 50 year olds moved there and they're doing the Bomba. Yeah, no, it's because 20 year olds in tight pants and little fucking glasses are walking around saying this water tastes delicious That's only Reference what's that? The labamba reference was great. Come on. Who do you think you're dealing with some fucking novice? I got two three stars in me. I got a piece of that other shit. I got some dynamite in my pocket I'm ready to go. Well, thanks for the gifts. I love leaving with all these. Listen, man. I want you to partake

You know, I don't want you to drink and drive tonight. I'll eat one of those edibles and drive But when you get back to your apartment in new york, you take that taffy you give half to your fucking fiance there You put your robes on right you put on hpl What's the Scientology fucking documentary? Yes. Have you watched that shit? I tried to watch some of it last night, but I was too high It's too top. Yeah, it's too. It was I was getting scared. Like it was actually scaring me like a horror movie Why would you watch that? It was good, but it was I was too high and I was by myself and it was just the music It was intense. I couldn't do it. You know when you look at a cult like jonestown And they show you the people who are jonestown. You could tell these people were disenfranchised. Yeah, some of them were black some of them like

What's what's benny googoo's mother? What were those people? What's the fucking fat kid that the mother honey boo boo? They all look like honey boo boo's mother Honey googoo. Yeah, whatever benny googoo. I don't fucking know honey boo boo's mother like look those type of people They go to walmart. They play the lottery They'll take care of themselves. They they eat the mashed potatoes turkey fried chicken is the best thing they've ever had in their life You know, that's just people that like that and they some guy comes along and sells them some And you can understand them given I I knew a girl who grew up in a cult and when she would tell me these stories I could not

Process them like yeah, your parents did what? Your parents met this guy in mexico moved to indiana And you all lived on a farm and you all killed pigs and you ate every part of the pig You even made jello with the blood and then on top of that the guy fucked your mom and had kids with your mom While your dad slept in a separate room and at one point he had sex with all the girls while they were young And your dad allowed this and he's still alive like he hasn't fucking put a gun in his fucking mouth And blown himself and I would sit there when I was dating this girl and setting myself In all my deepest times and all my addictions and going to prison

I never thought of moving to an island with some dude who weighed 400 pounds and told people he was jesus christ And I bought that fucking envelope Okay, so that's fine. There's two types of people there But the people that go to Scientology and put the fucking navy suit on and salute that did you see all that shit? For that I fucking see that by myself These are there wasn't no fucking Puerto Ricans that were disenfranchised These are white people that come from nice fucking houses and nice families And one day they go, you know what we're gonna take a ride with this fucking guy and his martians

Because they lie to you at first it's a self-help course like two or three years Then after you get to the top levels and they start telling you about our goal That he comes back and there was another civilization you got to sit there and buy this fucking thing then they start terrorizing you It's lee you have to watch this and I've heard this shit for years My answer to people when they're in hollywood boulevard and they come to you and want to ask you what your IQ is Keep fucking walking. You don't want to know what your fucking IQ is Why don't you walk in that chamber of death? They have percentages You think this William Hubbard?

He owns billions of fucking dollars Just three of his things you see what they made a hundred billion dollars like over a billion three of his things He's got 20 fucking businesses And he has percentages like if you walk into that fucking thing if you're retarded to find out what your IQ is They're gonna get 62 of those fucking people It's amazingly they punish you they throw you they make you scrub windows and shit And this is this is just mind-boggling and when you look at these people these are intelligent people

These are the same people that hang out at fucking starbucks at 11 o'clock on their computers and tell your stories How they go into france in two years? Fuck them What's up my love you got to go? I do you got to go you got you got to do what you got to do I'm happy that you came on any dates you want to produce any dates you want to fucking y'all The the just make sure it's the right date the june the cd recording or album recording whatever it is now June 25th at new york comedy club It's like the main date and then i'm

Is there a website they can go to they can go to the new york comedy club website Which I think is just new york comedy club dot com and then i'm touring Like new orleans, islana, tennessee at the last week of may so go on your website Yeah, go to my website juliorazi.com g i u l i a r o z z i dot com And yeah, you're a bad motherfucker. I wouldn't have done the basket out. We didn't have a lot of I love being a bad motherfucker You know I love either that the night before we get to this is not happening And I told you I gotta get you on because there's something about you. I like I have a funny feeling about you, so Thank you, jewellery. You know, I love you statement. I love you, too

Lee what are you gonna do you're gonna stare at me and fucking drool now like Together There ain't no end she was leaving I was gonna talk to you and see what's crack a lack on you That way that he's got to give you a key. Lee. I don't have a key for the woman's bathroom. I just have to key to the camera I'm just teasing look at your hair looks very nice. You've grown up. You're a woman now look at you It's amazing when I saw you and kiro pregnant and I'm like Jesus these girls used to run around the store and You know be cracking jokes. They're still in the game And that's why I had her on just to you know, you hear all these knocks against women fucking comics

And listen man So what they're not your cup of tea. Maybe they're not gonna fucking blow you out of the water the way a guy would But they got something to say dog. I seen felicia michaels make motherfucking sweat dog I saw felicia michaels bury some fucking man. I saw a headline 20 years ago. It was something to fucking see There's some deadly women out there, but I remember going to san diego on time to la joya This isn't the type of respect I had. They used to be this comic at the store named bowman bacon From houston, texas. She was they used to call her a female sam kennis She had a lot of energy and a lot of fucking whatever she

We're going to main room and destroy at the commie store. She would destroy in the original room Now, let me tell you the psychology of comic Every night has a different psychology But saturday night just like the mafia. It's date night Okay, so what happens if this room seats? 240 people right and it's date night and you have a majority of fucking people in their date and Half of that audience is women, right? You know what how many fucking Men could come on

And in front of women before they go what the fuck this is a sausage fest And I get it I get it You know what I am like I get women that go to things and they see three men And they go home and go that guy was fun that guy was funny There's a couple nights on saturday nights that look at lee his eyes are spinning his head That women want to fucking go out and see a woman do comedy So I go to the hoi commie store Wait wait till julie comes in there. I go to the fucking the hoi commie store

and I get there mike marino's there and you got to hear the story real quick julie Mike marino's there and He's co-headlining with Beaumont bacon and I get to la hoia And the first show Beaumont bacon is headlining And mike marino is featuring that's why when I get there

I go do you want to go eat and mike marino says yes and across the street from la hoia commie store This used to be a great little sushi place Slash chinese food great little szechuan chicken with fucking the red peppers and shit So while I'm eating with him I go that's weird that you let Beaumont Headline this show and you're gonna headline the second show And he looks at me with the chinese food in this mount with a man's ego and he goes Listen, I could follow anybody at the store

I could follow Beaumont bacon and in my mind because i'm a fucking comic. I studied again. I go I'm thinking this is not a good move for him Because everybody knows it's date night on saturday and friday nights So the room is covered with fucking women. This isn't thursday night where if there's 110 people 80 of them are guys Saturday's date night, you know, that's why I can't figure out what happened to you, but sometimes saturdays is weird late show Sure enough. He's talking all this shit. I he could follow Beaumont It's a 50 50 toss up if this chick would have gone fucking off Mike marino's gonna have a long fucking night following

Guess what joey did joey says i'm gonna sit here and watch this debacle Sure enough She went up there and had to settle her fucking life And you bet your ass. Mike marino died till the 30 minute fucking mark That's the fear I have of women Because it's it's it's different every fucking night But on saturday night a woman could steal a fucking show even the friday night thursdays. It's tough. There's no woman go home They want to watch love stories and

Fucking you know 2020 and who got raped and whatever the fuck is going on I love you Thank you for coming out of my love And that's the fact jack You know, that's what happens. So that's the psychology of comedy sometimes it really doesn't matter how funny the person is You gotta look at the majority who's in the room You know, i've seen sam trippley at the store and experience sam trippley Up on stage in a saturday night early show in front of parents talking about fucking ecstasy

He wasn't going anywhere in chinese people was a busful of asians. He's up there talking about ecstasy They're staring at him like he don't know what the fuck what's this guy talking about Because That's the real deal. There's a lot more than just being fucking funny and just being Having funny jokes a lot of it. It's the psychology of it. A lot of it Is the the fucking guy. Why do you think I never go out to credits? What do you mean? Oh, yeah, I don't You don't want to think about it

I don't want them focused I know that was on the longest show out of grudge matchup marin I want them for me to be just another fat fuck That's coming on stage You understand me? I don't want them because I've seen a thousand people get comedians get there and come on. Wait, you're the mc Yeah My name is joe dears. Make sure you say marin in the longest show without him sandlin Make sure you see the tonight show with jimmy fouling make sure

And you're up there half your fucking eight minutes is him in the back judging how you're gonna say his fucking intro Then he goes up there and the people forget you were standing up comic They didn't disguise a messiah and now you go up there and you don't fucking deliver They're focused in their mind on the fucking credits. They're not focused on which coming out of your fucking mind Right, that's what when a girl has big tits. She's got to hide them She can't go on stage with that cleavage because yeah, they look good on stage to guys But every woman the room's gonna lock up on the fucking guys On the woman's because she's got a tit show and if she covers those monsters

And puts a jacket over and puts ace bandages over and she'll light that and flattens them out a little bit Then she mixes a lot more this that's why i've never gone on stage and say white people are black people Because right away you split the audience in half I saw a comic that was very funny on that go on stage in the first two minutes He said white Uh, what what what do you call that one? White people have like they they have it coming to them My privilege white privileged

He lost the audience In the first two minutes if he would have saved that joke to close He would have gone out with that. It would have been a funny joke. He would have got them to like him But instead he went up there and talked about a white privilege jokes right away The white people stand up straight And the mexicans start looking around or the black people start looking around or the arab start looking around So you split the room in half there's so many things that happen when you're on stage And you get to learn them the more you get on stage like jiu-jitsu, you know

Yeah, I was I was I was watching this special the other night and I was thinking something You always talk about how you learned a lot about comedy by watching UFC It's it's interesting to me to watch a comic It seems like you guys have like do you have certain jokes? That are like kind of like certain punches like to test out where the audience is and which way to go Absolutely Like I was watching the special and it wasn't going so well It just seemed like you had like certain like things and like it seems like sort of the same like you can game plan for it

Well, you you hear of the great fighters that they throw a jab at you and they see what direction you're gonna bomb And that's why they throw the punch the next day Comics have things that they say that feels out the audience I hate looking at the audience and prejudging an audience like I used to look and see a lot of people that were older and by the way I would tighten up I can't say this joke. I can't say this joke. I can't say it So I don't judge an audience no more when I go up there. I do not look at the audience and look at the lights That's why I don't look at the audience till about 15 minutes

Because I don't want to see their faces. I just want to see those lights I'll talk to the fucking lights before I look at the audience If I get up there on stage I want I want a certain energy that I always can't tap into so I take myself To a street corner in north bergham and I was growing up on 76 and county boulevard in front of hashways We would if we were too loud mr. Hasher would say they go away from the store when we're cursing So sometimes in my mind I put myself there. So I get that same type of relaxed body energy Because comedy is a lot of confidence

But if you're over the confident you're gonna bomb Because the audience reads that over confidence. This is motherfuckers cocky You ever go to see a comedy show the guys cocking? Yeah, even fucking funny. It's not that he's not funny It's that his cockiness is beating his funniness He's funny, but his cockiness is winning What you want to do is a comic is be funny. So it breaks everything else down You know i'm saying I feel you you feel me dawg. How you feeling cocksucker? I'm feeling good. I'm fucked up. I'm happy

I'm happy. We had a good weekend. We went to easter. We went to eat sushi on good Friday. I think it was good Went to get some salmon a little filly roll. We had the salad correct the moondo Correct the moondo nice and healthy. We don't fuck around. They gave us miso soup without even an oreo again They gave us miso soup, which is like fucking 120 calories. No cock You're fine with me We go to nice fucking places if not you'd be with your wife going to subway getting that fucking subway cancer combo The fucking turkey that came from bogaria or they coughed when it was alive. You don't want to eat that shit I'm saying

No, I don't the fuck you think you're dealing. I'm going to san diego this weekend. I'm very excited the american comedy company Four shows two on friday two on saturday, but the clinker is next fucking friday and saturday got four shows again And beautiful motherfucking houston texas at the improv. I ain't fucking around either. I'm getting off that plane I'm going right to chewies. I'm fucking that place up. You understand me lisa. Yeah, that should be fun Yeah, I'm right now a week with the agustina. I got a couple spots this week. I'm gonna tune my shit up It's time. It's time to unleash the fucking furor You should not use that nickname What's that?

That should not be your nickname. I'm the cuban furor and should I ain't killing all that? I'm just getting my dick sucked in my balls lick like biggie in 95 Oh, they're gonna hate that. They're gonna hate it. Who gives a fuck who's what they're gonna hate anymore? This is 2050 Here we are. You're still walking around thinking about Hitler and slaves. Go fuck yourself. All right, you're living at a fucking time zone Get your shit together. We won't do you want to eat another edible? No, not even a little bit Let's get this party fucking started right now. All right, number one Boom on it.com for all your fucking needs right there. In fact, I just ordered some stuff from Orlando Rios

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Well, I'm just doing some work. You're doing what type of work I'm trying to get this consulting thing off the ground. All right. And then what else you doing? You're doing a podcast you're doing jumping jacks. What are you doing? You start doing the push-ups play did you not I did I did one push-up to the badges beat them blue devils god damn They don't fuck around do you like college basketball? I've never liked it. I like it college basketball is as real As can get what team do you follow? I mean, I don't follow nobody because they every every year the team's fucking change, you know every four years There's a draft you got to stay on top of it, but

I uh You know, so you just watch as a fan of basketball. I watched like with eight fucking teams in the tournament That's what I do. Okay, because that's why I can't keep up. I got too many shit on my plate But when I was a kid I watched college basketball. I loved it the finals That monday night when they come out in fact 32 years ago tonight, I got six month probation for smoke one week Congratulations I like that houston beat fucking whatever not houston

Uh, whatever the night houston got beat by north carolina state with jim valvano. I was in court that night I love all that shit. I love college basketball with all my heart. I'm just you know, I wish I had more time To follow all that type of stuff, you know, we got to do the podcast. We don't have to pay a stand-up comedy I gotta take care of the baby. I got shit back a lack of lee. I gotta eat my fucking edibles You know, I make time I make time. You know, I'm out there banging it every fucking day. What are you talking about? Another piece of edible before you go home. No, right? No I love you guys. Don't forget friday and saturday. I'm at san diego at the american comedy company next motherfucking weekend I'm in houston motherfucking texas at the improv and I can't wait. I'm gonna lose my fucking mind down there. You understand me?

It's been a while since I was down there. How about you cuck smoker? Uh, just listen to my podcast flunked your radio. I had my filter on last week. Okay, so that was very cool. Very nice Yes That's it. All right, read the sponsors. Let's get out of here. We got shit to do with people. So we gotta go get some heroin Thank goodness No, I'm gonna I'm gonna read the land All right, read the ass This podcast brought to you by anat.com go to anat.com. He's covered church to get 10 off all their optimization products

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I can't tell who I should try or just who I like just me People try to say after a little fun The best is the first place to make The tempe I changed because I got money But if you wonder before What about your friends you're standing around you're gonna let you down What about your friends are you gonna be low down I'm gonna let you know that they see me out. I'm gonna let you know that they see me out. I am allowed to friends

To the big hype Every now and then I did a little easy A lot of people I Was Oh They got the form of self-hate Only to make it in a minute Which results in unfortunate destiny They told me I'd then be next to me

Just because I am without you What about your friends? Will they stand their ground? Will they let you down again? What about your friends? Are they gonna beat them down? Are they gonna beat them down? Are they gonna beat them down?

Are they gonna beat them down? I told you I'd find them I wouldn't change And not for new running I'll be your friend I'll belong as long as you'll run through me What about your friends? Even though I like to eat me

And don't even know косco my theme It's not the way I want my friends to end What about your friends? Will they stand their ground? Will they let you down again? What about your friends? Are they gonna beat them down? I'm gonna be low down, be low down, be around

What about your friends? You'll be standing around, I'll let you down here What about your friends?