Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #274 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: April 16, 2015

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. 
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Recorded live on 04/15/2015.
 Music:
 One In A Million - Aaliah Black Hole Sun - Soundgarden

This show is sponsored by NatureBox. NatureBox gives great tasting healthy snacks right to your door. Forget the vending machine and start snacking smarter with healthy and delicious treats like dark cocoa almonds. Support this podcast by ordering a free NatureBox sandwich box at naturebox.com slash joey. That's right. Totally free NatureBox snacks are found at naturebox.com slash joey. Show it was also brought to you by meundies.com slash joey.

When you go to meundies.com slash joey, look at all the pics of the men's and women's underwear they have. They have socks, t-shirts, anything you want to wear that's comfortable, meundies.com slash joey has it. When you go to meundies.com slash joey, you're going to get 20% off of your first order and free shipping in the United States and Canada. Go to onit.com and use code word church to get 10% off of all the great optimization products, Apple Brain, New Mood, Joey was just telling me the Shroom Tech really helped

them with Kettle Bells today. Go to onit.com and use code word church and go to irondragontv.com. Iron Dragon TV is a brand new Roku channel with all of your favorite martial arts movies. They're the leader in 4K technology adding new titles every day. When you go to irondragontv.com use code word joey to get two free rentals. You said you'd start with a lia, no fucking sound guard, you're fucking now, leave it there, oh shit, kicking it. It's tax day mother fucker, pay your taxes, you're going to get fucked in the ass like

Aaron Hernandez. That's how we're starting this podcast, off to the end, shit, you want to be a real American, pay your fucking taxes. I didn't pay him for like nine years myself, but I went down to the IRS office and I came clean with those motherfuckers and I made payments for six years. Let's do this shit. What, Lee? Six years?

Stone to the gills today. Don't start with the question. Stone to the gills today. The church of what's happening now, Lisa Yat, Joey Diaz, the guest, cancel that fucker. It's the motherfucking church. What? What? Three cheaper chews in.

What have you done to your fucking country today, tax office? What's happening, baby boys, baby girls, you're home, whatever the fuck you're doing on the East Coast, you're just getting home at din din time, what have you got for dinner, macaroni and cheese, crap, whatever the fuck, some pork chops, not bad. What am I to fucking complain? What's up, devolicious? I can't believe you had three cheeva chews. I was going to give you one.

You did give me one. I was going to put it up in my mind. I ate the one by mistake, so I ate two after the fucking workout and that was it. What's happening, baby? You all right? Yeah, I'm doing great. I said it's Wednesday, nothing cracking, lacking in town. No.

Made a couple moves this week. I still have not gone for my fucking blood test. Unbelievable. Do they call you anymore or they're just like, hey, listen, they know I'm family. What the fuck? These people know I'm family. Are they worried about something or is it just like a checkup? No, no, no, no.

This is to give me a medication, but I had like six months work, so I don't give a fuck. I go to the date before the thing runs out. So you still don't like doing blood tests and stuff because I know you worked on it. I got hip to it. I got really good at it after a while, but I hate needles, too. I got really good at it. I got good around the surgeries, the other things. You always got to do the pre-surgery up, but I got out of practice after my last surgery

in August and now there's a couple of doubts in my mind, so I just got to work it up, go down and get the iPod, call the doctor, there's a little African nurse that scares the shit out of me, there's a little Mexican one that, they do it right. They fucking give you the kid needles, they, what do you call that shit, they give you the kid needles. Do they numb your arm? They numb my arm, they put the ice under my neck, you know, so it's a good little fucking time.

What doubts do you have? What kind? What doubts do you have about it? I thought I'm in a faint. That's it. Don't beg you. I like this thing. But I go to acupuncture every other Tuesday, I'm doing well with that, I haven't been

fainting lately. Dr. Amy's doing good? Dr. Amy's a good lady. I love Dr. Amy. See, because what happens is, in my world, I get like a little pinch and then the pinch runs away in my mind if I'm high, so I try to avoid those things. You go down to those things high? Sometimes I can't help it.

Dr. Amy's 130, you know? What's my rule? If you're not high by two o'clock, go fuck your mother, so I gotta live by. You can't help it. You called me the other night, I think it was like 1am and you called me again at 8am and you woke up from being super high and you just, you started the day with hash from the Jew with the one eye. Sure, the Jew with the one eye.

If you don't know about hash, nobody does, you know what I'm saying? You call me like every other week and there's a new character that you made up? I didn't make these guys out. Yes you did. He's coming back to Israel. He only came for the holiday. So you knew what he was getting? You had an uncle, he had to put fucking flowers in his grave or his tomb or whatever he's

got, some Jew hot, whatever the fuck he's got. Don't they have a Jew hot? No really, not where they bury people? Yeah, they have like little houses for Jewish people. They have very real denominations. I think the Jews, they put like 20, they talk about Puerto Ricans in apartments, 22 Puerto Ricans in apartments, those Jews will put 800 fucking family members in the same little fucking embryo.

What do they call those things? Like a tomb. Yeah, crypt. Tomb, crypts. Yeah, they have those little Jew crypts. I'm telling you, I've seen them. Where? Like in different cemeteries, with Jewish families, and they just have Jewish cemeteries.

Right, yeah. Those are the ones you're not allowed, like what happened in that one show, you're not allowed to be buried in a Jewish cemetery if you have a tattoo. Right, yeah. Well, I mean, that's like those super religious people, but no tattoo, and then you probably have to be bar mitzvah, I don't know what the rules are. What are you gonna do, you know what I'm saying? You already know what cemetery you want to pick up?

Is there a little Jewish cemetery close to La Casa in Boston, close to Florida? I don't know if I'll be able to go with Paula now, but I have no idea. I don't think about death that much. Do you think about it? No. No, I don't believe it. There's some people who do. Sometimes I get little things, you know, I mean, I'm 52, I already made it half way

and I mean, it's bound to happen. You know what I'm saying? I get up in the morning, I just, I don't get up in the morning and make heavy duty actions. I don't try to get laid in the morning no more. I don't want to get my holiday side. I gotta live a little bit. You don't like more, you don't like any late in the morning?

Oh no, when I was a youngster, my lungs were okay, yeah, I liked everything in the morning. I could do a fucking ton of coke in the fucking six in the morning, right, run off the bed, but now you gotta watch your heart, you know, so you gotta watch your teeth, you gotta watch your heart, take care of yourself a little more, so I always, all heart attacks happen before lunchtime. Really? Most of them. That's what they say.

Who the fuck knows? When God wants you, God wants you. You know what I'm saying? You bend over to tie your shoelace next thing, you know, you're huffing and puffing and turning green like you ate a peanut or some shit and then fuck it. That's what happens. Oh my God, Joey. So yeah, no, no, no, so you gotta be careful.

I go to jiu-jitsu in the morning, it scares me a little bit, but the class starts at 9.30, I get there like 20 to 10, we do some fucking drills, I got a slow sweat and then he slows you down a little bit and then you do the, whatever he teaches you, you do it five times on each move, on each other, and then you roll. So by the time you roll, you're loose. My first roll, I always gotta tap out after two or three minutes because I'm breathing heavy. And once I start sweating profusiously and the fear has overcome, bam, I go back into

it. Do you go, how did you do jiu-jitsu? No, I don't try it. But again, it's 9.30, I can't hold off sometimes. Sometimes I just do it as habit. I'm talking to my wife in the kitchen, we get involved in the subject, I get playing the mercy. I go, oh shit, let me go outside and hit the fucking pipe, there's a half a pipe build

out there from last night at 1.30. I take through it itself and I go in the office, I take a shower and when I'm in the shower I realize, holy shit, I'm fucking stoned till it kills. And that's what happens. That's how I might be. I love how it surprises you even though you do it every day. Yeah, you know, that's the best in the morning. That's the only thing I do do in the morning, I like getting fucking stoned till a gazillion's

early in the morning. You love it morning, noon, and night, there's no time difference. No, but the morning one, the first one is the best one. If I went to the house at 6 in the morning and got you blasted and made breakfast and watched the movie, it's tremendous. The 6 in the morning blast off is fucking tremendous. It ruins your day. Right.

Don't get me wrong, it ruins your fucking day if you're just a regular civilian or a gentile out of practice, it ruins your day. But if you're fucking in grief, that's why I try to keep you in training. Don't I always say to you, what are we doing tonight? Training. We're gonna eat a half of that a bowl. Yeah, but that, that, that, let's eat a half of that. Training for what though?

For the fucking, what, I told you a thousand times. For when the Russians attacked you. Sure, oh somebody, ISIS comes over and they want to fucking poison you with T.H. C. Fuck it, you've had it before. You swam in that ocean. It's starting to hit you. I can tell.

Oh, dude, you gave me like a three quarters of a deca dose, which means 10 doses. I gave you 20 milligrams. You never gave me 20 milligrams. Fuck, by the way, you gotta fucking start with that. You gave me 80 doses. I gave you nothing. I gave you what I, I gave you when I give little kids in Halloween, that's what I fucking give those little cock suckers and they knock on the door.

My favorite is watching you try to convince somebody who can't do it, like the waitresses of the comedy clubs who literally have to go carry trays of like 40 drinks and you're like, why does, why does he want to try it? And then you actually get it sometimes. I don't know how they carry drinks. They love it. They used to. They're not scared.

Yes, they are. Like it's been like one out of 10 that you get, but I feel like it's just a numbers game for you. You're just like, no. I have people like, listen, those waitresses, they work their fucking asses off. So I come in, I give them a little extra fucking treat, a little pepper nest step, you know, put some fucking whatever, you know, when you're working, I tell you what, man, one of the best feelings in the world, again, is making your day.

Right. When you're doing something, you're doing something unexpected and somebody goes, pssst, come here. Then you go over and they show you like a coke rock or a butter hash or a valium. You're having like a weird day and somebody hooks you up with a high. It's the best feeling. Your day is made. That's true.

It is fun drinking at work. I don't know. If anything, somebody who makes your day with a high, any type of high, God bless them. Would you get high when you were roofing? I did everything when I was roofing. Oh my God. The night before I smoked dope, but in the mornings, we smoked dope the first break. And on the way, yeah, I got high all day.

You didn't get scared? That ladder seemed like it'd be terrifying if you were right. Once I got better at it, I got used to it and I did it. You know, I was 20 fucking eight, 27, 30, I could climb a fucking ladder. Now I couldn't climb a ladder. I got on a ladder, the whole thing will fucking collapse. Then the cat underneath it, the whole fucking thing will go down. But when I was 19, when I first went to Glassboro, one of my first jobs down there was lifting

rolls of 90 pound tar paper up to roofs. That's all the guy paid me for. The job started fucking like August 30th in the humidity central. Pennsylvania? Yeah. And Philly. He was out of Philly. I forget what his name was.

He was a fireman. He was a roof or two. Here's the beauty of it that I was 19 at the time in my mind. I thought I was in superior shape. I was lifting all the time. I ran a little bit. Holy shit. How many?

How many like how many 90 pound things we have to lift like a, whatever a pallet, two pallets would come and you had a stock to fucking roof. So you would stock the roof accordingly as they were. You'd stock it halfway just so they could start and then you had to watch them and stock the roof. You had to stock insulation and all that shit. But the main daddy of main daddies was those 90 pound rolls. And there was some guys that had two of them on their shoulder and went up.

I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what the hardest fucking job I see is. I see these guys do it every day. It's got to deliver water. I want to lose weight. You tell those guys, hey, pick me up and let me do this for a few hours. Or just movers, like people who hope you move from your house. Fuck. Do you ever do that?

In Boulder, when I first got separated, I moved pianos for 12, 13 bucks an hour plus a tip. That's all they give you? That's, I don't know what the going rate is. Fucking piano movers. Yeah. I would think. It was just, I forget who was talking to.

It was a college job. Like you went to college and you went on the job board and these are the jobs they had. So one time I went down there and they had a permanent position where you worked there full time and you moved pianos around daily and you had to wax them down and all that shit. I didn't do that one. I took the other one. I was on call and they paid like, I don't know, $12.50 and a tip and you had to fucking

climb and pull pianos up with a row. I can't lie. I did it like four times. After I got separated in Boulder in that medium comedy range, right, I did everything. I did that for a while. I liked, I liked, I laid tile. I had a friend of mine had a contracting company and he laid tile and I had to finish it, put the cork in the middle of it on knee pads.

That's fucking torture. I used to do that for like 65 bucks a day, the small 65, you pay me in fives. That's a really small. That's real small. 65. Do you miss doing that sort of stuff? Oh yeah. Yeah.

I fucking miss rolling on the floor right now and I forget what the job is called. Like you have to do like bat tubs. You have to put that cork in the middle, right? Like and then, and then wash it down, it has to dry a little bit. When I was transitioning into comedy, I didn't want to work. So my answer to that was just to get different jobs or I wouldn't get bored with them. Okay. Whoever needed me first would call me the night before my money situation.

You know, because at that time I'm talking about 91, 92 when I started comedy and I got separated. I, you know, I went from making a good salary. I was working the comedy club and doing that. I was working the comedy club as a doorman. Was I telling you the story? Yeah. You tell him, I wanted to bring it up later.

You did the sound because I was just joking. We were talking with the opening act in San Diego. You did the sound and like you were like a door guy at a comedy club. Okay. So I get released from whatever, uh, February of 89. Okay. Okay. He had already told me about standup, uh, the, you know, the librarian had already

said you, you're in the good, naturally you should try it. And then my old roommate, I went over to his house one night and he goes, Hey, you got to see this tape. So here I am. I'm thinking about standup, but not really standup was not something I even had in my vision yet until he showed me Andrew Dice Clay's first special. Really? And that year I had to stay in the halfway house.

That's 89 90. So for people who think about shit, whether it's going to college, whether it's trying to pick up the guitar and the procrastinating, don't think I got into, you know, I was young and I was stupid. And I didn't know I had fear. I was insecure. So okay. So let's, let's establish that January of 1990, that's when the comedy bug really sunk

in. And I must have watched that Andrew Dice Clay special 85 times. You know how long it took me to get on stage July, June of 91. So a year and a half. A year and a half. So, you know, everybody's at home and I'm not even talking about standup. I'm thinking about even going down to the Jiu Jitsu studio, like, or going down to the gym.

I got to go to join the gym. It took me 18 months to finally have that. Like I had the nerve, but I still wouldn't go to the comedy club. I would cancel. Oh, really? I would cancel all the time. I'd call it, I'd get put on the open mic and the day of the open mic, I'd cancel. So don't think, you know, you're at home thinking about doing something and you can't

make the fucking move. Oh my God. And then finally I took a course on standup comedy like January of 92 at the University of Colorado. And he referred me to a comedy club called Wit Sandham and Westminster College. What's the story? Focus. Westminster, Colorado.

Coxsuck, you're looking at the back of stars and shit, get it together. You got that one lazy Jiu-Yi. It's looking at a 20. The other guy's looking at the register. So he fucking, uh, he referred me to a comedy club and I opened up first as a doorman, like the Grand Open. Right. Until they realized it was a dud club.

So the sound guy wanted more money. He got into an argument with the only, only told him to fuck off. So I became the sound guy doorman. After another month or a month and a half, the bar back told him to fuck off. So I became the combo doorman bar back sound guy. And then the midst of all this, I get on stage for the first time, not there at the comedy works in Denver. I'm going to be in June and bam, I fucking, so I'm going to be there in June.

It's not the exact date, but think about it's 24 years later. I'm headlining the place where I first got on stage. Are you fucking kidding me? Really? It's fine. After I was banned for life, thanks to these guys that listened to the fucking podcast and shit. They got you out of, they got you unbanned?

No. You know, I told the truth. I'm not no fucking sexual predator. Oh no. I know the story, but I'm just saying they unbanned you. Yeah. I'm performing there fucking in June. No, I know, but I thought you meant that the people on the podcast were to the club

or something? No, no. They just, this is what happens when you fucking people get involved and everybody gets involved and you come to the shows and this is it. So it took me all that time. But once I got on stage, like two months after that, it was when I got separated and all hell went loose and we finished the job. And before we started a new job, they were like, well, there's more work in the East

Coast. So I didn't know. I didn't know if they wanted me to come. So I didn't push it. I just didn't say none. They didn't say nothing. And look, my feeling was correct because if they would have wanted me to go back, they would have said come back with us.

So I didn't go back with them. So I was in between all these jobs. One of the jobs, one of my favorite jobs I had was selling neon. Oh, like the lights? How do you sell neon? Like a hustler. You show up in the morning, you go to Kinkos, you have a general fly that says, hey, my name is fucking Lee, I'm in your neighbor for the next week.

I saw open signs and at the time neon was popular and all types of custom neons. This is the type of sign we make and you put it on a fly and I'd walk into the businesses and give them the fucking fly. So I'd park at a mall, like any mall, you know, all these malls you see, anything you see, like as we get in the car right now and we go down the block, you know, right where the food is, the Japanese and big Wang, that's the first place I go into all those with a fly. Then I go across the street and I go into the theater, I go into the federal, I go through

all that coffee shop. Then for today, I make a left, I make a right and I go down to Magnolia and I pass out those flyers. Now I don't stop, I pass out a hundred flyers. So if you start at nine o'clock, you'll be home by one. Okay. Okay, if you're fucking, if you're not, if you're not a fucking limp or, you know, fucking around on the phone, if you, and then you have to be, you have to look people in the

eye, you have to walk in and say, how are you doing? My name is fucking Lee. I work for fucking Joy Bananas. I'm selling me and I'm, and by the way, they go, how much for an open sign? So an open sign was a deuce, $199 cash. Leave one of those here. They give you a check for $199, as soon as I went back to the office, they give me 50 bucks.

That's a fucking half gram of blow or I confront the half gram of blow and I got $50 for booze and a steak or something. That's how I used to think. As long as I picked up a 50 from the open sign, I was straight. Anything else I'd pick up and be fucking by the time I get back to the office to see Danny and talk to him, he'd say, dog, three people called already. So I'm going out there right now to measure the windows and shit. So whatever Danny sold, you give me 20%.

So as soon as Danny went out and got a deposit, he paid me, started paying me. So if he go out there and get 500 bucks, he give me whatever 20%, 100 bucks. So I was always making blood and let's say the people left the deposit and they weren't going to drop the sign off to the end of the month. I always had money coming in. So you're always wheeling and dealing, but you're always getting, some days you pick up an envelope and some days you pick up an envelope in two weeks. You're always picking up an envelope though.

You're always bringing two or three of those open signs. Some days I'd sell three fucking open signs, but that was one of my favorite comedy jobs. Is it kind of fucked up working for commission? Like I always, I always stayed away from it when I was in. No, because here it is. You go into a fucking job, but job pays you 12 bucks an hour. You work 40 hours a week, that's 408 hours. After taxes, it's 320, 360, whatever fucking lies you tell them and get away with, right?

Which is today's tax day. God bless you. Get out there, pay your taxes. Anyway, let's pretend you could go somewhere like the Agostino, for example. I'm going to give you 360 for 40 hours of your time. And what you're thinking is you're locked down. You can't make no of the geethers when you're there. So all your work basically is 360 a week.

Times four a month, that's 1400, that's whatever, something 20, right? 1420, whatever the fuck it is, I don't have a calculator here. So now this is you working on the street, you're like, these people have me for 40 hours, I'm in the fucking office, I'm carrying shit, I'm cleaning the toilet, or I go take a chance and sell something. And I'll tell you what, okay, how good of a salesman that you have, you might start off strong and then clunk her out because you get too smart. But usually if you have a good head on your shoulder, you start off good, you have a few

bad weeks, you put it together, and now you're making a living. And when I say you're making a living, but what you're trying to strive is to get the most out of that living. Let's say you're selling pens on the fucking phone, all right, whatever the pen costs, whatever value you fucking give it. So boom, you call these people, you sell your pens, but the difference is instead of working 40 hours, you're picking up 300 and only working 20 hours. So now I got another 20 hours that I'm free.

Guess what? I go to a bar, work as a doorman, stay a couple grams of coke in there and get my dick. You following me? This is your mentality when you're 21. So the money you make at the bar, you spend, and the money you're making your fucking 20 hours a week, you put away that pays your bills, right? 3, 400 is a start when you're selling shit. Once you get good, 3, 4, 5 months, people start signing up and quitting, and you start

taking their accounts and shit, you're making 1,200. You're still working 20 hours a week, which is the goal if you didn't go to college, which is the goal if you came out of prison, whatever the fuck. That's the goal. I don't want to be stuck all day at a fucking job. That was my mentality when I was doing comedy. On top of that, I needed a flexible schedule at night, and I had these fucking lucky ass jobs anywhere I moved.

So I went back to New York in 94. First thing I did was pick up a fucking gig as a limo driver, but I worked days and late nights, but I always had that window open, so I could go to a comedy set, and I made nothing late in those days, because if I made 60 bucks on a shift, I spent 30 of it in parking. In New York City, a dual fucking comedy set, so I don't want people to think, oh, Joe, you know, I was breaking even every night between the dry cleaning and the fucking shirt, and you know, who do you think I wear the same fucking shirt twice in your armpits? No, like fucking garlic chips and dry cleaning.

You sit on your ass all day. After you'd sit on your ass with boxer shorts, your ass gets stapled. You need to dry clean those pants. That's fucking, that's $20 with the fucking shirt, and you got to shine your shoes, and you got to look sharp. That's good. It's fucked up. There's a lot of people, like when you start jobs, like what I did when I started, especially

when I left college, I felt like I was owed like a full time, like $60,000 or $70,000. Who does it? Who does it? Like everyone feels like that, but then you start a fucking reality, and you send someone, and when you get out of college, you don't know how aggressive to be. I know people who get out of college and don't have a job for fucking years until, right, and they break down and go work for their dad and whatever, then they get a little sick to their stomach.

And this job market, which I don't even understand or know anything about, I'm not going to sit here and tell you what I know about the college job market when these kids got out of college in 2015, I haven't looked at a classified, which is one of my addictions for years, looking at classified ads. How do you look at it? Yeah, I love that shit, looking at classified ads and seeing what's out there and just fucking fantasizing that I was a warehouse worker for 14 bucks an hour, and how I would live, and how much pot I would smoke, you know, got a smoked pot on a budget.

You do, you know, you're getting three, four bills a week. How are you going to spend fucking? Right, yeah. No, but it's just it's I feel like people do that. I had I had a couple of jobs do the they cancel the interviews on you and reschedule it and see if you can see if you stick with it. I just it's I feel like jobs do it on purpose that they put you that's probably why a lot of comedy clubs have you start as a door guy just to see who has like the heart to stick

with it for a few months. Well, that's anything, you know, then when I went to New York, I got a job selling insurance, which was fucking lucrative as fuck for a part time kind of insurance. OK, so I had a this was wild because I was living in Fort Lee with Georgie. And this is a little job I had towards the end. This was a great little gig I had from about five to about nine. And I could still shoot into the city from there. Do shitty sets on stage at 1030 to 1115, 12 o'clock.

There were shitty sets. There was nobody there, but at least I got to talk shit on stage and bomb and whatever, you know, right? That was the mindset I had. And what I basically did was I went in there and there was the insurance sales and all I did was call you up like a little before dinner after dinner. People hang up on me, but it didn't matter. The guy was paying me 15 or whatever.

And I would just ask people if they wanted to talk to an agent about insurance. And they'd say yes or no. Boom. Yes. OK, that that was an appointment. That was 25 fucking beans. Oh, cool. So for every appointment, I got to pay me 25 beans. If he sold the insurance, he gave me 10 percent of the overall fucking policy or something. Wasn't too bad, but these are the jobs you got to get. They pay you a little extra commission because why are you putting a ceiling over yourself?

That's how I always looked at it. When I first got the boulder in 1987, let's face it, I was 24 years old. I was not college educated. I didn't have a degree. I didn't have nothing close to an degree. Twenty four, when you don't have a fucking degree. You have no idea. And there's even less open to you now.

No, no, no, you don't have a fucking college degree. And you're living in a town now that's a college town. You know, bad, you feel about your fucking self. So I moved to Boulder. This is at the end of me fucking making money, selling coke, carrying guns. I got no money and I got a job at a body shop as a shagger for $800 a month flat. I still had to work sixty four hours a week or something. I had assigned that paperwork.

That's terrible. That's the truth. That's true. What does the shagger do? Just get tools you wash cars. Before, let's say, let's say, OK, this is basically what I did. I fucking got the clipboard in the morning and I saw what cars were going on that day. So I would have to go to the body shop, guys, the painters. At the end, the guys that buff the car at the end, after they paint the car,

I have to say what time is the car going to be ready? And they go to a clock. I go, no, no, no, I need to come by 11 because people come at two, not really. People are really coming at five, but I had a lot of fire in these people's assholes because then I had to get the car washed out, the mats vacuum it through the windows. You're going to get a Q tip because when they fucking paint in that sanding, the fucking sanding goes everywhere.

Oh, no. So I would have to do that. and I, guys, I was getting, I don't know what the minimum wage was, but you look at 800 divided by four, so it was 200 a week and I was working 730 to six. That's 40 bucks a day. With a half hour fucking lunch. Oh my God, and I would go in there

and whatever I wore would be drenched on the way home. Like when I closed the next morning, would just smell like sweat and water. So all I was basically doing was washing fucking cars, stocking chemicals for the detailers. I did that. I did that for about two or three fucking months. Then the detailer quit and they worked on commission.

So I moved into the detail department. I did that and I got pretty good at that. That was probably the first thing I ever got fucking good at, at 24. And I'm doing blow and I'm still a fucking loser but I'm getting good at buffing out cars and cleaning windows and taking apples from under people's fucking car

that they killed up under there. That smells like fucking Satan. It is Satan, those apples. I swear to God. It was a- They're just leaving apple in the car? Just a time sign. Then I got a job.

What I would do on the weekends to hustle was I started advertising. I would go until I came out and I would shoplift wax and I'd shoplift all that stuff and I'd fucking buff people's cars out at home. I'd hand wax their cars for a hundred bucks flat on the weekends. I'm not kidding you, dog.

In my world, it never fucking ended for a couple of years. And here I was, I'd just come over and say, hey man, Joey, they said, you do cars, yeah. And I knew people inside were laughing at me but I didn't give a fuck. I was charging them a hundred bucks. What did I care? I'm just trying to make fucking money

and make ends meet, you know? How much did this help you now that you're a comedian and you're like responsible for your income again? That was my work ethic at that age. I knew that I didn't want to sit in the fucking office. I had already bartended, you know, that was, that's the job they sell you. That's the job society sells you

when you got a personality, you could talk, or you know, you're a good looking guy, which I was needed. I could just talk and crack stupid fucking jokes at people. But that was my option. I'd bartended for a while. That was no fucking future and that shit. I do like bartending, but I like bartending

in a neighborhood bar. It's hard work. It's like eight hours, nine hours in your feet. I just didn't want to bartend for the hiltin'. I didn't want to bartend for the Sheridan. We're at the end of my shift. I gotta do fucking paperwork and, they're watching you on 18 cameras.

Don't get me wrong, I still stole 200 fucking night. All right, don't get me fucking wrong with all their computers and all their fucking angles. I was still banging them out. And that's what got me worried. I knew eventually I'd get fucking caught. That was when I did 21, I did that. So my options were fucking limited.

So I was buffing out fucking cars. Comedy was nowhere even on the horizon. But I did, you have to. This is what, that's one thing I think always kept me alive that my work ethic was always money. I knew that I didn't have a lot going for me, but work ethic you cannot replace. And even people who had doubts of me would say,

hey, listen, I gotta tell you something. The guys at a car wash wiping down cars with 750 an hour plus tips. So I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. You're still looking for a fucking job. This motherfucker got a job. Like I always had something every fucking day. Like a day didn't go by that I wasn't doing something.

I always had in the back of my mind that you gotta get up in the morning and fucking hurt. That's it. And then when I got to selling cars, that mentality really fit because every day was a new fucking day. But it was sort of like selling pens. Some days you talk to people

and they come back the next day. You follow me? So you always, that mentality always worked for me because I always had today. Forget about Friday, Lee. Who knows what the fuck I'm gonna do on Friday. I mean, wake up Friday. Is that where that comes from?

From selling? Because you always say that. Yeah, well, selling anything. Everybody always worries about next fucking week. And then they sit there on a couch or in their office and they worry about what's gonna happen in two fucking weeks. I would worry about what's gonna happen in two weeks. I know in two weeks I'm gonna fucking temp me.

And then I have to week off. Yeah, I got an idea of the things I wanna do, but nothing is in concrete. Right now, all I'm focused on is what I'm doing right now. That's why I don't like scheduling the shit. You know, if I have to be focused at seven, I don't wanna do a podcast from three to five

because I'm gonna be thinking about what I gotta do at seven. And don't get me wrong, I did it for years. But for years I failed. I should have slowed it down instead of being a fucking gavel and wanted to do everything. Excuse me. No, I mean, it's, but you don't think,

you think it's just your work ethic. You don't think being in an actual sales environment gave you like a like up when you started being a comment? The sales, at first it didn't. Listen, let's face it, I didn't know. I always thought it was creepy when somebody would hand you a fly. You know, I always thought it was creepy

when people didn't need to have a CD would sell you a CD at the end of the show for five hours. That always just told me something different, you know? Even in my cocaine days, I didn't wanna sell you a CD because I didn't think it was that good enough to charge you 10 bucks for it. I paid 10 bucks for a CD. It was Richard fucking prior.

How can I charge you 10 bucks for a Joey Diaz CD? That was my mentality. I didn't know, I didn't know that this is, and still till this day, I just want you to come to the fucking show. That's it, have a good time. I don't want you to think at the end I'm taking pictures at you

because you bought a fucking CD or a T-shirt. I'd rather not bring them. I'd rather not get myself in that position again and not fucking bring them, you know? The clubs toward men to you and say bring them. Minneapolis tells you to bring them. Cleveland. Well, there's a lot of money that you could make.

It's still, I think it's just, and I understand people want souvenirs for after a fucking show and blah, blah, blah. I just think that it's just over the top. So that's what I didn't like. I didn't want that aspect. I didn't want you to come to a Joey Diaz show and there's six people that have three CDs,

two types of T-shirts, a hat. I just like keeping it fucking simple, you know? So there's no misunderstandings and whatever. Then Twitter and Facebook came along in my space and everybody became crazy with the Dane Cook thing. So every comic went on Facebook and that's when I started watching and I'm watching all these people on Facebook

that were just trying to be Dane Cook all over again. Just because they were on Facebook giving them free tickets. And I didn't see the logic behind that. I thought you had a personality in there. That's where I see the salesmanship. The salesmanship that I also had was you wake up early, you're always planning ahead for the morning.

You know, what do you have today? How can I get people to come into the fucking car dealership today? Those letters I sent out on Monday? They got those on Wednesday. So guess what I'm doing Thursday? I'm calling all those people. And right there is, I'm calling them.

They're like, oh my God, I'm looking at your letter right now, what is it, listen. I just wanna let you know we still got that car here. I'll talk to the manager. Maybe get a couple hundred knocked off the monthly prize. Give me a call. That's it, I gotta go. I wouldn't torment them and ask them for an appointment.

I wouldn't sell them an appointment. I didn't have that time. I just let them know I was available. And you know what, seven out of 10 people came back. Those little steps, those little fucking steps that people miss completely. What are you looking at me giggling for? With your red fucking shoes?

Oh, I'm just really fucking hurry. Me too. That's interesting. Cause it's definitely something that was scary for me. Like I worked at CVS movie theaters. And like the one I kinda did, like that was a server at a restaurant. But the thought of going to a car dealership

and just, do you make any money if you don't sell any cars? Or is it just only? They give you a base salary, but after like I said, dry cleaning suits and lunch and gas, you're dead unless you live at your mother's house. Right. If somebody gives you, listen,

you could make money at anything you fucking choose. My whole thing as a job is a fucking job. Especially in this country when you're not fucking college educated, everybody tells you you can't get a job. In my world, a job is a fucking job, okay? Anything you do. But I'm talking about after you get a job

and once you start making choices, you know, you're not gonna go get a fucking job selling Porsches, your first job in LA because you don't even have a fucking suit. Right. And I mean, you can't go get three of those fucking monkey suits they sell in Hollywood Boulevard with the socks and the T-shirt.

Oh, I want those. Three suits for a hundred bucks. You're fucking under heat. You'll fucking light on fire. To sell a Porsche, you gotta have a fucking $800 suit on. Or people gonna see right through you. Who you think comes in to buy Porsches?

Fucking Puerto Ricans? No. People who make fucking $800,000 a week in the industry in Beverly Hills. So you're not gonna walk in there with a $10 shirt from Ross. Your shirt better be a $300 fucking shirt. Everybody behind and your handcuffs better be fucking gold

and your fucking shoes better be shiny. They better be $300 because money knows money. You're not gonna sell fucking Porsches with a T-shirt that says fuck the Jews and jeans on with a hole in them and flip-flops. I don't care how much technology you know about the thing. The guy's not gonna hand you a check for 80 fucking thousand dollars.

You gotta look the fucking part. Okay, so your first job, I'm not telling you to go get a port, you're going to get a port again in time, but your first job, you may have to go to fucking Ross and bag groceries. And when you're bagging groceries, all of a sudden there's an opening at night

in the warehouse department loading trucks and it pays 10 more dollars than what you're making right now. You jump on that for a fucking year. Next thing you know, you're 25 and then you got shoes, you got a fucking two suits, not those things, three suits for $20 from fucking Hollywood with the polyester shirt. Don't get me wrong, I got like two of those suits

at the house. I know they're like, it's $2.99 for three suits. Yeah, because listen, you go to auditions, you get in and out of fucking things, people are shooting at you. I rather might as well rip one of those suits and one of the other fucking things I got. So I got like all portable suits,

you know, baptisms, courts, whether you're all portable ones, they might have a little blood on them, whatever, from shaving, whatever the fuck they got on them. They're the all portable suits. I got like two and all of these, don't get me wrong. You still got your court suit ready to go?

I got no fucking court suit. I'm talking about, you know, you have suits you wear to like shitty premiers and people invite you to stuff and you got to wear just something you don't want to look like a fucking slouch. So you got to get those suits. I'm a big guy, I'm always running into nails and ripping my fucking pants and falling straight on my nails.

Yeah, I'm one of those fucking momos, you know. I'm stoned, I'm walking around looking at the clouds and next to you know, I'll fucking, all of a sudden my fucking two and all of jeans are fucking ripped, fucking. That's why I go to fucking Target. They got tremendous jeans, those. I like their shirts.

Target? Yeah. Oh fuck yeah. You can't get the shirts and put them in the dry. Next to you know, a two month old is stealing your fucking t-shirt. They shrink quickly those Target things. Oh really? But the jeans, the fucking wranglers,

they're not bad though, I ain't got time to listen. I dress like a fucking union electrician for a reason. I ain't not sending those fake fucking vibes. Those wrangler jeans are tremendous. Those are those communist jeans. You could light those things on fire. Those things ain't going nowhere Jack. Those things are thick.

I've had like those ones with the holes. My wife is always ripping them up on me. I got 20 pair on those with holes. I won't get rid of them. I don't even feel like jeans. It just feels like my balls are in the air. That's good? Yeah comfort is number one.

Why are you gonna have pants on that aren't, you know, what shall we do? It's tough to be comfortable anyway when you're a fat fuck. You ever see fat fucks that just tap out? Fat man alert, fat man alert. Fat fucks just tap out and get sweatpants. That's sad. That's the point I was having when I was 400 pounds.

Really? Yeah. I just wore sweatpants, black sweatpants, or blue ones that said big daddy, huh? I like Jim Shortz when I was that big. Big daddy sent me 20 pair of sweats and I had them in rotation. And I would wear them for like a day

when I was 400 pounds and I'd take them off and I'd smell the ass butt. And they would be thick with that butter coating that comes out of your ass. You couldn't even, like you could see through the sweat. You could see through the sweatpants in the sun. But when it got to your ass, you couldn't see. It was like blinding from that ass cheese

that develops around the seams and your sweatpants. Disgusting. So you just never wear underwear unless you're wearing me. No, I'd wear underwear, but I was so fat I was doing so much blow. It was going through the underwear? It was going, oh my underwears were yellow

from the chemicals in my body. What are you kidding me? My armpits and my white t-shirts that were just like a black cloud. You were just leaking from the butt hole? I was leaking from everywhere. My ear lobes, my eyeball. I had black tears, like fucking whatever.

In a box now, one of those slave movies, they had black tears. I don't fucking know. Did he have black tears? Yeah, I don't fucking know. What are you tormenting me for? Oh my God. Are we gonna eat a piece of star to respect

for fucking the members of the Holocaust? I don't think I have a choice. Listen, I got like out of the five, six hundred. You might as well go for debt. This is called St. Joe's Hospital. Say, look, send an ambulance. Just have my side on hold. This is like the Doug Benson show.

They got a fucking doctor on board. Not like, well, yeah, but we don't have that here yet. So we don't need one. You see, dude, I had like 150, dude, I'm done. You had no 150, I had like 180. You gave me like three quarters of a decade ago. I want to give you this right here, right here. Oh, come on, man.

What do you mean, come on? Where you gonna go? Where you gonna do today? Where you gonna go? I gotta drive home and not kill people. Oh, that's right, you got Paula today. No, I don't. I'm about this.

Nothing's gonna happen to you. Look at this little piece out of respect for the Holocaust, right? You called your mother. I told you it was a last night. Remember what the Holocaust exists. Listen to what happened. Last night, I got a call about five o'clock.

Eat the fucking thing. Don't put it in your hand. Let me see your left hand. Let me see your left hand, cock sucker. You're like a Jew magician without the black hat. I got a call last night. I'm about five o'clock from a friend of mine that's a connoisseur, a good reefer and shit.

He's a Gentile, but solid, solid. I love him with all my heart. I fucking love him. I've known him for 15 years. He used to be a rioter. He sold a few shows. He took his Geetus. Man, he called me up and he said to go to his weed store.

That the Jew had a fucking eye patch. That this guy makes his own hands. Tremendous. Fuck, when I went over, I got the address. I got a new license. I re-upped it. So I went over there and sure enough, there was a Hindu up front just to throw you off.

The scent of the one I drew. That's how strong the one I drew was. So I gave my paperwork boom. The Hindu was tremendous. I can't say what his name was. I gave him a hug. Thank you. For the first time for coming down.

Went to the back. Japanese came out. Little Japanese chick came out. Cuter than a fuck. Looked like that Pono Japanese chick that just did something with a half-tip fella. She came out. She started selling me weed.

And I go, let me talk to you about something. Somebody told me about a specific thing that you have here. And she looked at me and I go, the one I drew. And she goes, oh, hold on. And she went around the thing and she had a little cabinet and it's called the Higher Tolerance Cabinet. Okay.

You're gonna live in that cabinet. Listen to me dog. She had these little jugs and there was these little buds dipped in like death juice. It's what the Isis is smoking before they chopped your fucking head off. And she gave them to me. There were 30 a fucking Jibo.

And I bought two of them. And I ran a regular fucking death weed and she gave me an edible and a free joint. I got the joint at the fucking house. Oh my God. I got so high last night. I went out to the commie store, it was tremendous. And some kid came up to me and asked me for a head shot

but there was no dude there. I told him after the show, I didn't see him after the show, I feel bad. The commie store was great last night. So I went down there and I fucking got high with this weed. I smoked some of that this morning before I went to the Jitah. It was great though.

You know how you call your dick the Cuban egg roll? Yes, sir. You should call the one I drew from now on. You know what I do? No, leave me alone. Why would I call my dick a fucking Jew? What is wrong with you? I have more respect for fucking Jews.

Some people are the one I drew. Plus the one I drew is a street name. I can't be using the street name to call my dick. That's disrespectfully. He didn't have one. I had an eyepatch. You know how he lost the eye? How?

Smoking fucking hash. How did that make him lose an eye? It popped out. That's when you know you're smoking the solidness in the stamina. No, not really. I don't know why you don't understand these things, Lee.

I try to teach you every day. We Jitah, we have little long talks. What do you got planned this weekend, talk to me? I heard Paula's taking a little vacation so you're not around. What? No, she's studying for law school. And then so you can't see her

in the fucking Gucci Frito this weekend. No, she's coming over tomorrow night. It's Friday night. What are you gonna do? I don't have plans yet. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I just work, I guess, work on stuff. I was thinking, oh, actually, thank you for reminding me.

I know Friday night, Paula's gonna still be there, but Saturday night, follow me on Twitter, at least I, we got new mics and I wanna do a test of them. So I'm gonna come in Saturday night and do like a little test cast, so watch that. What we're doing is we're switching this over to real cool pretty soon. Like Monday or Tuesday, explain it to them, Lee,

just so they fucking know, so there's no misunderstanding. You know, people still think we quit. Right. I still got three messages telling them, dog, why'd you quit? You and Lee, we had money problems. What the fuck is wrong with you? You gotta go on iTunes.

So what? You gotta stop watching. And then it's on my YouTube, because your YouTube got taken down for a little bit. So we're working through that, but the whole point of this is to get rid of everything. Iron Dragon TV, David Foley, has a company called NanoFlix,

and has, Iron Dragon TV is under that umbrella. And he has a whole bunch of video streaming, he does concerts, he has a thousand videos. So with the podcast on YouTube, a lot of people watch this on TV. When I would watch Rogue, and I would watch it on my laptop, but there's a lot of people out there now

who don't have cable and have computers hooked up to their TVs, like I do now, to watch everything. So they watch a lot of stuff on their TVs. And we got these new HD cameras, and we came up with the idea of putting it, getting it on a Roku channel. So now it's just gonna be a Joey Diaz, or what's happening now, a channel.

But don't worry, if you're out there and don't have a Roku, well you should get one, and we're gonna have a channel eventually. But probably starting next week, we're gonna have a page on joeydias.net, it's gonna be joeydias.net slash live, we think. And you can always go and watch it there. The good thing is,

there's not gonna be any commercials anymore, which trust me, I know watching you stream with commercials kind of gets a little bit annoying. And then the biggest issue we had is, people get mad at me for not putting these up on YouTube. They get taken down pretty regularly, because even if I cut out the beginning songs, we have stuff in the middle,

there's people who do like a bad content, or whatever, they have a content clause. So YouTube takes this down a lot. The great thing about this new Iron Dragon TV thing, or Joey Diaz Roku channel, is that they don't have any limitations, they have the insurance, so we're gonna be able to play full music now.

And the main thing is, what I wanted to do when we talked about it was, Red Band said something the other day on the podcast, I was too hard to bring up. He said, how you used to need TV, do you even need TV anymore? And you don't, you do, but you don't, you don't need a network TV show,

this is gonna make this a TV show. So it's pretty cool. And we could play more music, we could talk more about music. A lot of people, I answer a lot of emails every week, and I always get emails about Joey, you gotta talk more about music, just do a music podcast in the mornings,

just do a morning show, and I discuss doing something from six to eight, three days a week in the mornings, music and history, explosions. One thing we can't do in here is smoke fucking weed. I can't go fucking bananas in this place. You know what happened at the last time, the fucking black lady knocked on the door,

she dialed 911, the black preacher, that we, I can't have that. And I can't disrespect these people to bring a fucking joint here. But how much better would this podcast be if Lee and I could just be ourselves? We could get like 10 different pangs and do the whole thing.

We've got the TV screen, we've got music videos, we've got a guest, we could do the podcast without a guest, we're trying to get it hooked up so people could call in. So we're coming at you from all motherfucking different directions,

you understand me? You're from, you're from in the middle, what are you looking at? Don't worry about the fucking chat room. I'm not looking. What are you doing? How you feeling, all right? Oh my gosh.

So I really don't understand a lot of this technology, but I'm gonna stay on top of it on Twitter to let you guys know how we're gonna make the switch over way to go and it's no big deal. It's like nanotech.com slash joe. No, it's gonna be on your website. So joeideas.net and boom, there you have it.

And it's gonna have, it's gonna have the backwards catalog. So it's gonna be, we're not gonna be on YouTube anymore because they give us too much shit. So you're all for all Turge videos from now on. Well, and pretty soon when we get it up, it's gonna be joeideas.net slash live

or if that changes, we'll let you know. See, I'm always fucking thinking about you motherfuckers. You understand me? Let me give you some shout outs real quick here. Keep this party rolling. Shout out to how high I am. Robert Bueno. Hi, Robert.

Motherfucking Brett Fahaya. Adriel Restrepo. Cop watcher, 405 Daniel Young. Andrew Craig. Erel Hoskins. Paul Manfilly. Cleo, my girl, LJ, Uki Spooky. And Tracy and shit.

The little fucking, whatever you call it girls, church what's happening now, girls. I love you, little dirty freaks and shit. Cleo, we're doing a 100th episode of our podcast pretty much soon coming up here and all as well. I gotta talk to you people. Anyway, it's tax day. Like I was telling you,

I've been talking to a few people that have tax problems and a little scared to go down there. Guys, I went off the radar in 1991. I didn't walk back in that motherfucking place to 2,002, 11 years I didn't pay my taxes. Why they let me walk around. But they also knew I didn't make anything.

They also knew, the government knows if you're making money, they get those fucking receipts. So unless I wasn't selling drugs, they also knew I was poor. I think in 1996 guys and all honesty to you guys, I think I made $9,000 of doing comedy. Like why would you file? You know what I'm saying?

I was sleeping in an office or in my car. I made $9,000 of doing fucking comedy in 1996. 1997 was no better, maybe $12,000. 98 was when I got the Taco Bell commercial. I got the pilot from CBS. So it was little fucking jingle bells in my pocket. But then I had to pay back when I had fucking owed. All that time from borrowing a 200 here and 300 there.

So, you know. It adds up. No, I mean, I went down there because I wanted to get a payment plan set up. But the dude said that people have been waiting in line since 3 a.m. What's fucking tax week? You don't want to go down there right now.

They're gonna throw you in jail right now. You make that appointment for like May 8th. But I did it online. I signed up for the payment plan. There you go, there you go. And then you can also pay, I put a little bit on a credit card so I get some points back, but.

You know how a Jew works with debt? We'll see how it works. You always maneuver it, sure. You know, people think they're gonna throw you in jail. They just want to cut a deal with you. They really do. They just want to talk to you and say, listen man, what did you make?

You let me receipts, okay, we didn't send it in. They don't even give a fuck. They don't even ask you why. They don't sit there and go, what are you thinking? What are you fucking moron? No, listen, people fuck up. People have divorces.

People have nervous breakdowns. People eat 3G, but choose by mistake. They just black the fuck out and start walking around like one of those movies. You black out for the money you bought? They understand. And trust me, I'm the last guy to fucking tell you about this shit.

I am the last guy to tell you to walk in there, but bro, they will catch you later on in life. And when they get you and they start cleaning out your fucking bank accounts, and you start getting calls at your work, you don't know what embarrassing it is to a creditor calls your fucking job. And the flappy the receptionist

that doesn't keep a mouth shut, she's the one that gets the call. So now all your coworkers know that you fucking owe a credit card. And that's not bad enough. Then about three or four of them start fucking calling. The best is when you start getting fucking child support, fucking restraining orders,

like getting cash out of your check. So if you get a check for 300 a week, they take the first 160 out. Can you imagine that? And then they take the taxes out. So you take home like 62 fucking dollars. It's amazing. It's amazing how people survive this account.

And then you fucking economy. You know what, 20 years ago, when I was in the fucking work chain, we think that we're giving out 20s and shit on every corner. No, it's always been a fucking struggle. I don't remember the time unless you were selling drugs or robbing people. Yeah, the economy's always good.

There's always drug dealers. There's always a bank with some fucking moron thinking he could rob it, you know? What are you doing? Then they're not even on the corner giving out the small 20. The what? The small 20s, small five or something.

You know, listen, if you're gonna be a criminal in this market with these fucking cameras, they're gonna catch you somewhere doing something. Let's say I don't know. I don't know where to meet you. I don't wanna meet you to sell you something. And I just meet you at CVS.

When you pull out of there, do you get pulled over with fucking blow on you? They gonna say, where are you coming from? I met my friend at CVS. Wait, then the first thing they're gonna do is they're gonna take those cameras from that fucking parking lot. Or you have to assume they are.

Right, yeah. You have to go out there digging like they assumed. If they don't, they didn't do the police work. They wanted to get out of there fucking eight in the morning. You know, and they wanna see who sold the drugs. Right. You know, it's always fucking something. So, see, you let me fucking learn something.

I learned something this week, man. So, I woke up Tuesday night in the middle of the night at about two in the morning. Just woke up. I got up, I peed, I washed my hands. I went back and I said, I'm not gonna sleep. I went outside, I got a cup of coffee. Nothing was bothering me.

You don't wake up and nothing's really bothering you. Yeah. And I started playing with the cat. I put the news on. It's not really news. It's like, good morning America. Some black doing some little white chick with some noxious. And then they're talking about stupid fucking news

that nobody cares about. And in the middle of all this, I thought about how my daughter still hasn't called me back. You know. How long has it been? What happened, six, seven weeks. Whenever we had Terry in here, you know, it was that week when I called her

and the ex-wife called me back and said, so I'm sitting there, I'm going, you know what, I'm back to square run with these people. In my mind, I'm thinking the worst, which I always do when I'm involved with this woman because I know where I was married to and I saw what happened after the fucking divorce, you know. So sure enough,

I just wanted to see if I was overstepping my boundaries. So I called my attorney, you know. He called me back like two hours later and we talked, you know, so it cost me fucking $200 for 10 minutes. And we, I asked him, what am I? Am I violating a law or whatever? And he goes, can I call you back? I called my friend in Colorado and said,

nah, he goes, do you own child support? No. Do you have restraining on Colorado? No. Do you have any problems in Colorado? No, no, no, nothing. I did my time. I did my probation.

I paid my fines. I did it all. I paid the child support. I did it all, at least all. And so he called me back and he goes, you know, what are your intentions that go between you and I and listen then. The girl's 25.

I'm not looking to change her life. I'm not looking to tell her what to do for a living or what not to do. I think I'm gonna keep it real simple. I'm gonna tell her I love her. I'm gonna apologize and I'm gonna tell her I fucked up. And that's it. And that she always has an option,

that she has my phone number now. And if there's anything she needs, anything she can call at any time in the world. That's it. I'm gonna move on with my life and I make peace with this situation. I'm not here to take her away from her family. It's too late for that.

We all know what time it is. We're all fucking adults. So he goes, just call the wife and tell her that. You know, when I called and I said, listen, I left a message saying that, hey, when I called, there was a courtesy. You know, I can reach them, call, they got a person. You know, it's a courtesy.

Just to let you know how my heart is and my intentions out. I'm not involved. You know, I got a thousand things going on. I don't have time to push this fucking repair. All I wanna do is to let you know that this is what's available. This is what's crack.

I like it. I love you. I fucked up a couple of years ago. I made a, I took a chance. You know, I took a chance. And I lost. I lost as a father. So this is all I fucking want, you know?

I left the message in about two hours later. She called me back. And just because I know me, I didn't answer the phone. But she left a message and she said that my daughter had been going through her life. To be honest with you, I didn't see the call coming in. I got it later and I was too late. Said should I call her back?

And I said, let me see what she said. And she was very sweet. I told her I called my attorney. She goes, well, whatever you wanna do to pursue. And she wasn't mad at all. I just wanna let her know that it wasn't like I was on a suit or something. I just wanted to call my attorney

and see if there was something I was doing wrong. You know what I mean? So. And you're fine? Well, then in the afternoon, I started writing a little bit. Okay. In the afternoon, I had some time to write.

I wrote some jokes and I felt a little better, but there was still something bothering me the rest of the day. And then about eight o'clock, I wrote about the situation. And I wrote it out what it meant, what I wanted from it. Why did I wanna reach out?

You know, part of it is for the show, for me, for you, for them. You know, you can't talk about shit and then not do it. You know, you gotta get in front of it. And this is shit I should have done when I was 30 and 20. If you don't get in front of shit when you're 30 and 20,

you gotta get in front of it when you're 50. Here I am, 52 will fucking lose again in front of a relationship with it. So, and there could be any relationship, your parents, a brother, a sister, your father, you know? You gotta get in front of this shit before it gets out of control, you know? This one, it matters to me.

Just because of who I am. Mercy, you know? I don't want mercy, I think, you know? This is it. You gotta know you got family out there. You ever go to Colorado and buy some weed? You got a sister who's a smuggler, whatever the fuck it is, you know?

So, this is when I got the deal with yesterday. But as the day went on, I felt a little better. Not much in the economy store. There was 38 people in the audience. I had a mediocre set, but I felt like I had jumped in fucking John Baptist's pond. When I came out, it was like jumping in a fucking jacuzzi and getting a back rub.

So sometimes I get stressed out, and it's because I haven't been on stage. You believe that? Really? Sure, that's how I fucking, you know, that's our fucking work. That's it, that's it. After a while, your body turns it into that.

Your body and your mind turns it into that. You gotta get on stage. You gotta talk about what's bothering you. When was the last time you were on stage? Saturday night? Saturday night, yeah. So Sunday, Monday. Yeah, that's it.

You're a professional comedian. When you're a plumber, what do you think? You get on stage, you fix one sink a week and go home and wait in the field, fucking pigeon? No, you're fucking work every goddamn day. Yeah, but I don't think a plumber would be like, I have the urge to fix a sink. A pro would, somebody who's a real plumber,

just was sitting there and after three days, he goes knocking on people's doors and saying, what can I do for you? You know what I'm saying? Can it sink? You never know. Your sink costs 80, how do it for the small 20, 450, four fives, and that's how you do it.

That's how you make a living. This country has forgotten how to make a living. Everybody wants to send a resume online. Everybody wants to do everything on fucking line. You know what? That's what everybody's doing. Why be like everybody on a show up down there? Tell them who the fuck you're dealing with.

You throw the ace right at them here, bitch. Bam, that's how I roll, motherfucker's what. I'm very excited. What, what? I'm going to Houston, Texas. I'm going to Houston, Texas. I'm seeing my friends. I'm going down there Friday morning.

I'm gonna see my friends Pete. I'm gonna see my friends Jackie, Sega, Jan 3, you know, way before I met you. I used to sell out in Houston, do you know that? In 2005 and six. On Saturday night's The Late Show, I would sell out Houston. Was it the first place you sold out? Yes, ever.

Because I had been there, going there for everything. I used to go two weeks on a shot during the holidays. Before the longer shot, he was giving me work the long, before the longest shot, Pete was headlining me. So me, Pete and his wife, we got along. I like going down there. I used to get good cocaine down there at the time.

Down there in a, whatever the fuck it is, West Gray. That was the street where the, that comedy club was at and down the court. I ran up real close to Anti-Chang's Dumpling Palace and then we used to go to Papacitos and my friend used to take me to this fucking place. And we used to get the swirl margaritas from 98 to 2003. No, from 98 to 2007,

I pretty much lived in Houston, Texas. There was one summer I lived in Houston, Texas because I just worked Texas. From Amarillo to El Paso to Dallas, Houston, Conroe, Pasadena. I worked all that fucking area. We're fucking, what's the names from? The chick who we were listening to summertime,

the other day in the car, remember, Janice Joplin from Texas. I worked all that region. Oh, I remember being in Conroe. So you went to Texas on purpose and you just ended up working there? No, I knew of so many people there in Houston that they, everybody invited me in their home

so they wouldn't cost me a new hotel. It was the only place that had great fucking food, Kalachis, I had two or three Mexicans that brought the best cocaine. I had a bar at an hour that was tons of cocaine. I mean, every night, everybody parted in Houston and we all went out to dinner every night. So I had family in Houston.

Houston became my fucking second home. I had moments of movement to Houston. I talked to radio people. I had a couple of opportunities in Houston. You know, at that time, you could buy a house for cheap in Houston. You could steal it. My friend worked for Pepsi.

Houston has a lot of opportunities, man. Roger Clemens is walking around. What would you do if you see Roger Clemens walking around the Netherlands, the Sugarland, whatever the fuck it's called. That'd be cool. Yeah, you know, it's just a hop in a little fucking town, you know, some people say it's flat.

I just like the vibe. They have a great gay area called Montrose and there's gonna be a bar there where you stay out there. Oh my God. Fuck yeah, dog. Fuck yeah. They got a Puerto Rican restaurant. They got a Chinese restaurant,

Anthony Chan's Dublin Palace, I said before. I mean, just a great little fucking town, man. And I used to, oh my God, I used to get fucked up and wake up and go get kalachis. Those pieces of bread with the hot dog and the little sausage in the middle. Good, googly-moogly Lisa, you gotta go. Are you fucking nuts or what?

Like doctors. You spend, did you spend a lot of time in Montrose? I never would have thought you would feel like they were a good gay community. I had a friend who lived in Montrose and there's a restaurant called Barnabes in Montrose. It's a gay type restaurant, but they had the best fucking meatloaf

and the best mashed potatoes. And every time I eat there, I think about how they whacked off on the mashed potatoes and the meatloaf, but it gave a fuck. Ain't nobody ever gonna notice. It was that good? It sounded like I wanted them blue to cook.

I just say this meatloaf, maybe you got horny because it was tremendous. It tasted so good. Who knew what they were doing to the meatloaf and the fucking mashed potatoes? You follow me? So you never know, but you have to have imagination. That Puerto Rican restaurant.

I really liked this place. The people were solid. I got to know a lot of good people. I got to go to a lot of Houston Astro games. I got to go to a lot of Houston Rockin' games. I got to see the longest yard with the Houston. Spoilers? No, the team that they are now, the Texans.

Texans. Yeah, I got to see the longest yard with them, with the Houston Texans at a movie theater on a Friday. Yeah, man. I had some good times in Houston. Houston means the world to me, man. That, the whole state of Texas, I wouldn't be a fucking solid comic

if it wasn't for the work I had in Texas. El Paso used to hook me up. There was a, wherever Bobby Knight used to coach, but I sat in the beginning, whatever Texas tech, wherever that is, my long, not Beaumont, whatever the fuck that is. There used to be a club called Froggy Bottoms, and the chick, the owner,

because it was Froggy Bottoms for years, then some Mexican family bought it and put a pizza parlor in the back. Oh my God, you scared the hell out of me, Jesus Christ. What's happening Tarzan? Come here and give me a hug. There's my buddy right here. There's my main man right here, Dominic.

He's gonna be the future host running things for the church of what's happening now. What's going on? What are you talking about, Lubbock? Lubbock, Texas, that's a good place. What's up, my brother? Hey buddy, thank you. How was family time?

Did you jump up and down 80 times like a Puerto Rican? Tell me the truth. Did you? Yeah. Where's your sister at? At my house. Okay. There's my main man, Dominic.

He's better, I know him since the womb. I know him since he was in the sack, right or wrong. Do I know you since you were in the sack? Yeah. See, that's how we do it here. Don't say nothing to your mom, because if not, we'll all go to jail and stuff. Is Uncle Joey funny?

Do you think he's funny? This is my main man, dawg. This is my first nephew officially. This is my first investment. This is Notre Dame right here. That's how I look at it. He's only like two and a half. How old is he?

Three and a half or something? Three and a half. Look at him. That's Notre Dame bound right there. What flavor did you get? Thank you very much. I got cherry. Oh my God.

Thank you very much. I got candy, birthday cake, pineapple. Somebody had a little bit of pineapple already. What is this? Lemon. Lemon. And what's this one? I don't know, that's a birthday cake one.

That's a birthday cake? Oh my God. All I talk about food was making me hungry. Oh my God. Thank you very much. This is the place next to Jersey Mike's, right? Right. They gave you free food.

Thank you, brother. Good to see you, Dominic. Thank you, Damon. Oh my goodness. Look at this shit in. No one's ever had that. This is like the greatest high moment of my life. Listen, I almost had a fucking heart attack

when I looked. I couldn't figure out how high it was. I can't lie to you. I thought it was Dominic. How long were they standing there? I didn't even realize they were there. I thought it was the fucking cops. I thought they were gonna jump on the fucking Easter basket.

How many people do that shit? What flavor you got over there? Look at you, you're eating like a soldier. Jerry, it's delicious. Do you want some? No, I'm straight. I don't even know what this is. I've always seen it there.

I've never gone in there. Oh, Tally and Ice is so good. So what is this? Tally and Ice, this is Steve Simone type shit and Philly, right? Mm-hmm. And Doritos. They're gonna hate this part of the podcast.

See, there's people we ain't fucking around no more. We got people delivering shit. If you wanna deliver something, tweet me. Sometime when you come up, you wanna bring some fucking bazookas. Oh, you're gonna have some requests now. You gonna bring some bitches in this motherfucker to lick these assholes right here on camera.

Wait till we get to Roku station. We'll turn that fucking Roku to a little Ju-Porn in the afternoons. She'll lick your muffler. That's the name of the show? Ju-Porn in the afternoons with the one on Ju. Who wants to watch fucking Alan when you could watch you doing your thing?

Yeah. Tally, let's get it going. Let's get some people coming in here. Cookin' some good Mexican food. Let's get some fucking Chinese people all money for their fucking life. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I know like three or four Chinese

that owe like 10,000 to be walkin' around. Every week they gotta pay a big... Two. They stabbed a sister in China or whatever it was they're from. You didn't know that? No, I don't think that's a real thing. Come on, it's called human trafficking.

What do you think they're here for? Oh, well, yeah, okay. I thought you meant something else. You know what, a big case of human trafficking in Houston, Texas. Oh, right, isn't it on the border or close to it? Well, it's close to Galveston, but they had a problem a year ago.

I think Annie did a whole thing on all the Asian places. They were all fucking human trafficking cases. Can you imagine that? Getting taken against your will. They put a knife to your mom's head. You gotta suck like 2,000 dicks to make $5 a dick and then get your family back.

I mean, can you fucking... Cause they take, then they con you. They're like, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. A blowjob is 50 bucks, but you only get 20 and you give us 15 of that. Right. Can you imagine? Can you fucking imagine?

Yeah, it's terrible. They're doing it right now with ISIS. That's what they said there. I read a thing on CNN yesterday. What's ISIS doing? They're taking women, anyone who's still a virgin, they take and they sell them as like slaves. Come on.

Yeah, it's fucked up. That's fucking horrible. Do you see them going with like the chainsaws to like the old relics and stuff? It's just like, I don't know what part of the religion tells them to do that. It's just terrible. It's not even my country, but you know,

those things were there for thousands of years. And then they're just like destroying it. Well, the CIA created them, right? I don't know. What the fuck created them? Now let them deal with their own fucking dilemmas. So that's it, my, what the fuck here? Oh my God, that gave me a brain freeze.

I'm not used to it. I'm coming home the other day. I see the ice cream man, the Mexican ice cream man, not my blogger or my wife. My daughter's gonna be up there yelling ice cream, ice cream, because she hears the bell. We got fucking whatever they're hitting that bell. So I got it.

I said, what the hell? I called Terry O'Terry, come down with the baby. I'm gonna give you some ice cream for the hurt. You and the baby, but one thing leads to another. I give them the Sunday they're eating it. My wife Fidel won't stop. Man, man, Fidel fucking don't stop. He can smell ice cream a mile away that fucking cat.

He likes ice cream? Oh, he loves it Fidel. As skinny as he is now, he's meow, meow, meow. Fidel, it's freaky when you're high. His eyes are beautiful. He just stares at you and he goes meow, meow, meow. He breaks the motherfucker down, Fidel, right? So that's a real swami from Salami.

That motherfucker has almond eyes, they're gorgeous. And he's big and he just gets on you weird way. And he's very lovable. He's very warm. He'll climb on you and let you pet him. He's nice when he gets to you, but one of the first times you got me high. Oh my God, he's in the interiors.

You went to go take a shower and he chased me around your old coffee table. Oh yeah, he don't play around Fidel. He wants to get to the heart of the matter and check you out quick. I'm very fortunate with Fidel. He shakes people down quickly. So he'll even do something that's very cute

that nobody does. He'll come up, he'll sit there, he'll look at you and break you down and then he'll rub his head against your chin to let you know you're all right. He's a very good cat, man. God bless me with some good fucking animals, man. Give some cool cats. Yeah, they are very, very.

And I don't like cats usually. Me neither, but no, it's giving me love for other animals, loving these. I get to know them. I can see how much Demi missed my wife. Oh my God, oh my fucking God. Really? I didn't see it then.

I'm tight with Demi, but something was missing. First night, my wife came back. First fucking night, she put her feet up and put a blanket on top of her feet. She was watching some show on Roku. Demi jumped up on her legs and started hugging her legs and just slept there. My wife was like, I'm gonna sleep out here with the boys.

She had four boys on top of her that night. Like just fucking sleeping on it. They missed the hell out of her. They didn't know how to act without her. They really lost without their fucking mom. It's amazing. Harry Demi for death. I've noticed that Demi usually hangs out around your wife.

Aw, he loves my fucking wife. My wife saved him. You know, his mom threw him off the roof and he was bleeding, so she left him there. She walked away from him, so my wife picked him up. I didn't know that, that's fucked up. Yeah, she had that motherfuckers as day one. Is it scary getting straight cats?

Like, don't you think we really have a- They were this big. Oh, okay. They were all this big. They were all six weeks. They were little cats, but the father would eat them. You would kill them. What?

The samurai and their father would fucking kill them. This is why I had to get them out of there. People would tell me, I'm gonna take that cat. And then I'd call them up or knock on their door and they'd go, ah, we can't, we're gonna move and when we're moving, they don't take animals. That's fucked up. So these cats were always on the countdown.

We were always dropping cats off at animals. And people, a lady was coming and taking them. We would capture them. He had three women at a time. He had them all impregnated. When Demi and Harry were born, he had them all impregnated. I mean, he had three different females that he had impregnated.

Like, he would, and there were all his daughters somewhere along the bloodline. Oh, no. Yeah, yeah, he was crazy. He would kill the male kittens and the female kittens so she would stop breastfeeding so she could get back to fucking. He was just as natural as can be.

He wouldn't eat the canned food that my wife would give him. He wouldn't eat the dry food. He refused. He was just gone. He was already in his own world. He was filled with testosterone. You know, I was lucky. I got a lot of cats out of him.

I don't know what happened to him. God bless him. Wherever the fuck he is, he was tough as nails. I ended up with a half his fucking offspring and I'm happy I got him, man. That's it. That's it, cock sucker. What else you wanna talk about?

I don't know what else to talk to you about. I can't believe they just showed up, my main man with some Italian ice and this motherfucker. If you work for Rita's, you should send us some more Italian ice because this is amazing. This is delicious. I don't even know the flavor of this.

I don't even know how many calories, but... It's not bad. Italian ice isn't. It's like the shaved ice you eat yet. Really? Probably a little bit more sugar than the shaved ice, but... Well, listen you savages. I love you, cock suckers, as usual.

Thank you very much for listening. Thank you for another great week. I'm gonna be in Houston this week and tempi Arizona next week. Wanna get my shot out? I'm really sorry, but I don't even know how I feel about the Aaron Hernandez thing. We talked about it.

What are you gonna do? The New England Patriots are fucking walking now with newspapers covering their faces and shit. What are you gonna do? Anyway, have a great week. At least I got to take it away. You gotta do the ads, buddy. Do I have to do ads?

Oh, shit. Yeah, I'll never forget me three cheaper chews than one shot. Today, I wanted to take a chance and I wanted to do something different. I said, fuck it. I wanna upgrade my workouts as I couldn't get to the YMCA,

so I went to Jiu Jitsu at 9.30 at BJJ Breakdown in North Hollywood and I took some on it shroom tech. And I went there and usually the gym just opened, so it's me in the morning, so it's me and John. He teaches me a technique. We go back and forth. And then at the end, he has to teach three classes.

I'm a big guy. I just say, John, beat me up a little bit. Get me in weird positions. I do, man. Just beat me up a little bit? Yeah, that's the only way you're gonna get better at Jiu Jitsu. That's the only way you're gonna get better at anything.

You don't get better at anything, but letting me take you, you know, just beat me up, choke me. Let me defend against chokes and shit like that. Let me learn how to breathe without getting close to falling below me, you know? So I took the shroom tech. Oh my God.

I went into my original breaking into a sweat, doubting I'm gonna have a heart attack and then after that I was gone. I must have rolled with him two or three more fucking times. We're even doing an extra one. Then we went over another technique. Then I left and I went to the park and instead of taking the two 35 pounds out,

I took a 35 and a 45 pound kettlebell. I did five sets of swing with the 45, 35 and then six sets of swings with the 45. Then I did a couple cleaning jerks. I've never done this before in my life. I usually do 10 sets of kettlebells, but what I'm trying to tell you is I went all out. Then I got the eight pound ball

and did five sets of 20 fucking setups with the eight pound fucking ball. I've never done that before in my life. I don't know what the fuck happened, but what I'm telling you is, honor.com motherfuckers, shroom tech works, okay? So I'm back on the shroom tech for the next 30 fucking days.

I am fucking hype now. Go to honor.com, see what other great minerals. They sent me a box of some good fucking yum yum. So I'm gonna be telling you about stuff every day next week, the next couple of weeks. I got the milkshakes on fucking stacked. I got the tea oil. I got the testosterone lifter.

I got the shroom tech. I got the alpha brain. I'm ready to rock. So you're gonna see the fucking changes in me. My eyeballs are gonna get big and shit. Oh my God. Anyway, go to honor.com right now. Impressing code word church.

Boom! Get 10% off your first order. Listen, do me a favor, go to honor.com. Look at the great supplements they have. Look at the stuff, how they can help you. They got great beef jerky. They got some great fucking stuff. Just go look, read, investigate what other products

they have, what they have. I know Aubrey on a personal level. This guy goes out of his way to get the best possible fucking product to sell you guys, to bring to you guys, to bring you to optimal optimization. How the fuck you say? Go to honor.com right now and press in. Church.

And get your 10% off, all right? Yeah. So you're sitting around, you know, what am I gonna do this week in college basketball? There's that. IronDragon.com bitches. Classic martial art films right there on your TV. What?

IronDragonTV.com. All right, we'll start it again. IronDragonTV.com, cock suckers, for all your classic kung fu films. You're sitting there like, I need something else to do. I got a big babblery for my wife left town. What am I gonna do?

Go to irondragonTV.com. Get two free movies. Go see what library they have. They got the Hitman series, what else? Jackie Chan. What else? Tachi Hero. What else?

A whole bunch of other stuff. On it, on it, glam videos. Every week they update this stuff. This stuff is the leader in 4K technology. He was just here in the office talking. He's got great plans. We wanna be in the ground floor. Go to irondragonTV.com and press in.

Joey. Boom! Get two free films on the fucking cuff. Hoop, doop, dee doop. When you kidding me? Or what? Two free fucking films just to see how we work, how the whole operation works out.

All right? Go to irondragonTV.com and see the beautiful library that they have to offer. I mean, it's just like having a fucking theater right in your living room. You understand me? So please, go to irondragonTV.com. Take a look at their fucking movies.

You're gonna get dicks out of it, get hard. If you like Chinese people, there's no Chinese porn yet. Let me talk to them. We'll give you an extra section here to the fucking back, you know what I'm saying? Anyway, go to irondragonTV.com and press in. Joey. I got two free movies, all right?

I have a question. What? What does hoop, doop, dee doop mean? Hoop, doop, dee doop. That means your shoes are on fire. You're wearing some hoop, doop, dee doop, merengue shoes, kind of suckin'. That's what it means, all right?

Me on these.com, again, you're sittin' there and that's crack a-lackin' in your life. You know why? Maybe it's not your asshole that's rotten. Maybe it's those disgusting underwear you haven't got rid of. They do the survey to see how long men keep their underwear. It's amazing.

I do the same thing. I find underwear in my drawer from 1960 fucking eight. I just keep them for what? To look at the fucking skid marks, look at the holes in them that the ants and the acid that comes under my asshole pores makes. Forget about that shit. You wanna look sharp, you wanna look good

from the inside out. Me on these.com. Me on these.com has a great assortment. I've been underwear and women underwear has those sharp, nice fucking, they look tremendous, they feel great on you. I got some me on these right now and my nuts feel fuckin' muckin' if you geek.

I don't even know what that means. I'm just improvising here, like the sound French. Pfft. Anyway, go to meonthese.com right now. See what the beautiful selection? I'm men and women underwears that they have. You know what I love? My users have to work out all the time.

They're snug, they keep you tight, they keep you upper muscles nice and warm so you don't pull nothing. Go to meonthese.com, all right? They got t-shirts, they got sweatpants. Go to meonthese.com, we're not fuckin' around. Go there right now and press in. Joey.

Boom! And get. Are you 20% off and then free shipping in the U.S. and Canada? Who's better than that? Who's offering you, who gives you that type of action? 20% off and free, what were you talking about before? 20% off and free fuckin' shipping

in Canada and the United States. That's what meonthese has to offer. Just go to meonthese.com, look at the great selection. And it just feels fuckin' great. What do they press in the box? Joey. All right, there you go. You're sitting there all lonely, you got no geeters,

you're like, Joey, I don't need underwear. I need a fuckin' life. But before you go out and sling dick, you need to get nutrition in you. That's when the next beautiful comes in. Naturebox.com, are you kidding me or what? Are you kidding me or what? Nutritious, delicious snacks delivered

right to your fuckin' door on a monthly basis. How we're gonna start this relationship is plain and simple. You know what I want from you? Dick, I don't want nothin'. Go to naturebox.com, pick what five bags you want. They're gonna send you two big ones, three little ones directly to your house.

That's not free. It costs about a dollar something, but who gives a fuck? Why you complainin' about the fuckin' Taylor Ham? Just go buy a slice of bread, you fuckin' greedy fuck. Naturebox is nutritious, delicious. Stop goin' to the fuckin' vending machine, all right? Stop wasting your time, eatin' that shit, potato chips in the store and pizza.

You're gonna be gettin' healthier, right? Go to naturebox.com. The cashews are sensational. The figs, the kernels, the chocolate yum-yums. I mean, it just never ends with them. I can sit here for fuckin' hours. I'm a stoner, Jack. I'm a fuckin' stoner, okay?

And I'm not eatin' white gas, fuckin' Dairy Queen. I eat fuckin' food at the house. This gets delivered to your house. Naturebox.com, they're not fuckin' around, okay? They deliver it to your house. And the first package is gratis. Uchis moochis, free, deal with it.

Go to naturebox.com, impressive what, Lee? Joey, boom, we got a free nature box delivered right to your house. Shipping, you're gonna pay a dollar maybe two dollars. Cut this shit, stop your fuckin' crying, cut something. If you get a chick, nobody sucks your dick for free. It's, of course, your cheeseburger. Same thing with that, same principle.

What are you lookin' at, let me like that, Lee? You bein' a chick to suck your dick with a cheeseburger? Yeah, you got to pay for a cheeseburger somewhere along the line. So you gotta take care, whatever you gotta take care of, Lee, what the fuck is wrong with you? You're lookin' good, Lee. Thank you, buddy.

You're fuckin' on the model, Lee, in heat. Look at you, you eat that fuckin' 20 milligrams. You eat a little piece of it. I eat more than 20. This star is down to nothing. And look, we just started. Little something from Anarchy. I'll bring my animals.

Look at the star. This star was a real star. It's fuckin' hard. And we're still at it. We're still at it, because we don't give a fuck. We're here setin' examples for you, motherfucker. You understand what I'm sayin'? That's right.

You're walkin' on ice, your mother's gonna dance, cock sucker. We go 24-7 as usual. Okay, and I wanna announce something. I'm thinking of running for president. I've been really thinkin' about it lately. All these fuckin' Paul Rubio's and that fuckin' witch, that fuckin' terrorist dressed like a witch,

yeah, that's what she is. She's a fuckin' terrorist dressed as a witch, cause she's been lurkin' around like fuckin' cancel for years. There's no chemo strong enough to get rid of her. I think your campaign's over now. You can't say that about your... Yes, I can. Yes, I can.

America wants to hear the fuckin' truth. So what? I got a couple fuckin' fellows. I took care of my fuckin' business. I paid my dues. The Seattle fuckin' warrant will take care of it if it becomes present. You realize you can write in,

so no, you might get elected. I can get elected not to be president. I can get an election to vote, probably. We got enough people here, crack a lock, and everybody needs a second chance. I know where they're slippin'. Listen, man, not as an asshole, but as with the debt we're in,

every city should have medical marijuana, like California and Colorado, and use that to fuckin' pave the roads and to paint the schools, and that's what we should be doin' anywhere right now. It's gonna color, making like millions of dollars. Millions of fuckin' dollars.

I'm not sittin' here as a pilot. I'm sittin' here as a kid that wants basketball programs back at grammar schools, so that all the parents have to worry about as a fuckin' sneaker, and they don't have to worry about the t-shirt and the shorts, and that's ridiculous, and paying for the bus schedule and some.

That's ridiculous. Parents shouldn't be paying for that. That money should be comin' out of somewhere. That's goin' to politicians fuckin' buckets. Something's not right here. Something's just not right, that these programs have been cut from schools. You know, you don't see kids on school playgrounds.

I should be drivin' at 330, and I should be seein' kids in school playgrounds with monitors there. And after school programs, it should be makin' ceramics. This is somethin' that the city should offer. After school, right there, close to the school, you know, to keep them there.

After people have to work till five o'clock. Give everybody a fuckin' chance till five o'clock on the city, you know? Single moms and shit. They don't have that no more, so there's so much fuckin' help that could be used. You know, cut down, you know, some of the Israelis,

they gotta stay back in Israel. Stop comin' over here, sellin' those fuckin' diamonds and shit, all right? Cocksuckers, nah, I'm just teasing, I can never run from president, but. I'm just followin' this from a miss. I don't even get involved in this. Shit, I can't vote anyway.

I can probably vote if I summons the court and drop the felony. Guess what? I don't need that fuckin' pressure in my life. What's goin' on now? Somebody's gonna deliver a pizza down at Grenade. Oh my God. That's all I need.

I love you, cucksuckers. Stay black. Once again, I wanna thank OnnetIondragon.com, meHondies.com, and NatureBox.com. I wanna thank everybody who likes all the sponsors and the beautiful people, listen, and you motherfuckers are bad to the bone. Thank you.

All right. Here we go, Blake. How was this gonna take you? That was delicious. It was delicious. Now that the show's over, don't forget to go to NatureBox.com and sign up to get your free,

I'm turnin' that off, to get your free sample box of great tasting, healthy snacks. Forget the vending machine and start snacking smarter with healthy and delicious treats like barbecue kettle kernels. Go to NatureBox.com slash Joey.

That's NatureBox.com slash Joey. Also, go to meHondies.com slash Joey and look at the pics of the men's and women's underwear, shirts, socks, they have everything you want. When you go to meHondies.com slash Joey, you're gonna get 20% off of your first order and get free shipping in the United States and Canada. Go to Onnet.com and use GoWare Church

to get 10% off of all the great optimization products like Apple Brain, New Mood, Shrimp to Commune, Shrimp to Export. And go to IronDragonTV.com, TV.com and get two free rentals when you use GoWare Joey. With that end of music, we'llikat — we'll each get the takeaway and I'll put a note

to three from the delivery office. But first give me three!!! In that case leave the payment. All right, aour line's the best. Can you start? There ain't nothing wrong in this… A-Way, take care! Petty rope

fish What? that. All right� Lies the snake in the sun in my disgrace Boiling heat in summer stench Meet the black the sky looks dead Call my name through the cream

And I doubt you'll scream again Black hole sun, won't you come Wash away the rain Black hole sun, won't you come Won't you come, won't you come Sturder rain, cold and damp Steal the warm winds, I had friend Times are gone for honest men

Sometimes far too long for snakes In my shoes, walking sleep In my youth, I pray to keep Heaven send him away Seems like you anymore Black hole sun, won't you come Wash away the rain Black hole sun, won't you come

Won't you come Black hole sun, won't you come Wash away the rain Black hole sun, won't you come Won't you come Black hole sun, won't you come Black hole sun, won't you come Black hole sun, won't you come

Black hole sun Black hole sun, won't you come Black hole sun, won't you come Hey, my head, drown my fear Tell you I'll just disappear Black all the sun, won't you come You wash away the rain Black all the sun, won't you come Won't you turn around Black all the sun, won't you come You wash away the rain

Black all the sun, won't you come Won't you come Black all the sun, won't you come Won't you come Black all the sun, won't you come Won't you come Black all the sun, won't you come Won't you come Black all the sun, won't you come