Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #278 - Kira Soltanovich, Joey Diaz, and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: April 30, 2015

Kira Soltanovich, Comedian and actress, who is shooting her new comedy special this Mother's Day, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. Support Kira's Tubestart for her special here: https://www.tubestart.com/projects/the-kira-soltanovich-one-hour-comedy-special/7624#/.VSl9G_yNN6s.facebook This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. 
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Recorded live on 04/28/2015.
 Music:
 Band On The Run - Paul McCartney and Wings Hello It's Me - Todd Rundgren

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and a beautiful Tuesday afternoon in Los Angeles. Lisa Yacht, Kira Soltanovic, and the motherfucking house. Little pomegranate carton, and wings banned on the run for you fucking sabbages today. It is as good as it gets, man. We know about this, we know about this motherfucking guitar. I don't know anything about this.

Put your shit to sleep. Stuck inside these four walls. Are you fucking kidding me, Ola? Have you played this driving? Stuck inside four walls. No, I played it at the house a while. Never seen no one. He just feed it up a little bit.

Catch this fucking guitar. How far? Nice again. Ten seconds. Some badass fucking guitar, Lisa. Mama. Ten more? Who gives a fuck?

It's Tuesday. There you go. There you go. Oh, shit, motherfuckers. The church of what's happened now, coming alive, talks about this. Look at the album cover of this. You know what's on the album cover?

James, motherfucking Colburn. Bunch of people on the album cover. Tremendous album cover. Hit it, Lee. That was you last night. Oh, shit. I cut that motherfucker. How are you today, my brother?

How are you feeling? I survived. I survived this morning. What time did you fall asleep? Oh, my God, I fell asleep right around midnight. But I always do this. I'll pass out when I'm super stoned and then I'll wake up. So I was so high that I just forgot the shows I was watching.

Like a couple of them ended. Like I tried to watch Josh Blue's new special. And what I saw at the beginning was good, but then I just like passed out. And I turned on one of these TV channels that just has movies constantly running. And the beginning of the longest yard, it just started. So I watched that, believe it or not.

And I went to the gym this morning. I could only do like 40 minutes. You were tired, I was still stoned from last night. We got them fucked up last night. Oh, my God. But it wasn't like fun. Like that gummy and like just a little bit of the tibetue was really fun.

It was not really. Well, we're going to do it tomorrow. Tomorrow, the next day, the next day, the next day. Tomorrow, we got a deep night at the ice house. I know. What's the story of you, beautiful? You guys talking edibles? Is that what you?

Yeah, God, it's such a different world. Gets you fucked up. When I was a kid, we didn't have. I hate starting sentences like that. And you grew up in San Francisco. Yeah. Oh, no, don't get me wrong. We built bongs out of an apple core and a toilet paper roll.

But all the gummy bears and the funyons, that was because you were high and now you're eating them to get high, which seems like a vicious circle. It really does. Sometimes I have an edible, like a cookie. And then you need a snack. No. And I'll eat the edible.

And then I'll say, what the fuck do I have that sweet in the house? My wife didn't buy nothing sweet. Oh, I got that peanut butter cookie from Anarchy Edibles. You're the only person who does that. Here I am fucked up to the gills. Right. And I'll eat this cookie because I know I'm just going to dream in color.

And then did you guys get high because of the bunny ranch? People were here. No, no, we just got high because it was Monday. You know, Monday. Sure. Are you allowed to do that when you're pregnant? No. Oh, God.

I don't know. No. It's just a plant. No, I can barely have coffee. They like really frown upon that. Have you ever walked in with a big old pregnant belly into a Starbucks? Alarms go off.

Woo. All those fucking gentiles. I know, the yoga moms and the girls. And I'm addicted to coffee. That's definitely my addiction. But I feel like a crackhead sometimes. Like I want to sneak some. Like I'll lie about it to my husband.

You can drink non-caffeine. You can. You can even drink regular caffeinated coffee. No one cares. But you know, when you live in LA and everyone's a little bit more crunchy granola than everyone else in the country and they're like, it goes straight through your placenta into the baby's heart.

Makes you feel terrible inside. So I try to cut down. Fuck it, the baby will be a drummer. You know what I'm saying? My four-year-old already is. Is he really? Oh my God. Shirt off.

He wants his shirt off and just underwear and he just sits there drumming. That's my boy. I love it. I love it. Shirt off and underwear on. Yeah. It's like he knows he needs to get his like armpits loose.

You know, he doesn't want anything constricting him. Does he get drum lessons? No, we don't have lessons. He just fucking plays. I'm not spending money on that bullshit because we give him swimming lessons and he can barely concentrate on that. But we just let him drum.

He has a little drum kit. He's been drumming since he was a year and a half. Does he drive you crazy? A little bit. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I tried to sneak some, what are those, those brushes? Instead of drumsticks, brushes to make a little bit.

Yeah, make a little bit quieter. And he's like, what? He looked at me like, what the fuck is this? What the fuck is this? What is this? We got to make noise. Yeah. We're here to make noise.

I tried to sneak other drumsticks. Like they're these special ones that are padded. Every time I try to sneak something in, he's like, no. I'll just give me like a big wooden block. I was reading this article yesterday about like stuff that will remind you about when the decade you went to school. And when I was going to school, everyone took the recorder. And then I also did a year of the violin.

So I can only imagine like the recorder must sound just terrible. What's a recorder? Like the little flute, almost like flute thing. The cheapest flute, it's like one, just one long penile looking instrument. I played the recorder too. Hot cross buns. Hot cross buns.

Like that's the first instrument you get. It's like, instead of like, I never played no fucking recorder, right? Yeah. Yeah. Well, I played the bass and I was in a band for a while. You played upright bass? Upright bass.

I got a band. Like, oh, OK. No, so electric. Like electric bass. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I went to cello camp. Oh, God. Ridiculous.

That's brutal. Why? I don't understand how my parents, I don't know. They just want to get rid of me. So any time there was like a camp, they could get rid of me for the summer. They would send me that camp. But one summer was cello camp.

I didn't really go to a lot of camps early on. The camps I went to as a young man was come home camp. Like in the Bronx, you went to the camp for the day. They took you swimming. Oh, right, right, right, yeah, yeah. You know, at the end, I think you fucking camped one night as some shit in some national park in the Bronx or something with animals.

Puerto Rico's dressed as bears. But I never really went to camps till later on. It was interesting when we were starting the podcast. Before we started, we were talking about the hot thing on Facebook today, the mom beating the fuck out of that kid. Great smacks to the head. And you know, it's some people on Facebook all for it. Like they understand where the mom was coming from.

Yeah. Some people on Facebook, I just fucking lost. Really? Like, oh my God, this is what's wrong with America. I grew up in a house where my mom's word was the law. I didn't have a dad. My dad died when I was three. So my mom remarried, but we didn't give them

too much control over that thing. That was my mom's basic. And I remember as I was watching it, I actually remember, I exaggerate to you. I actually remember five ass kicks that I got that way. Couple punches to the head. Right. Couple smacks, a bloody lip.

What did you do? What did you do? One time, I really remember one time when she beat me up with a purse, because I wouldn't get off the mule on 86th Street in Broadway. There used to be a city bank right on the corner. I don't know what it was. It's a city bank.

Now it could be something different. This was 50 fucking years ago. 52, so this was 47 years ago, 48 years ago. And right on Broadway there across from the Blimpy base on 86th Street, there was a guy that let you take pictures of him with a fucking on a mule. And I wouldn't get off the mule. My mom asked me like 10 times and she beat the fuck out of me

on the mule until I got off the mule, but she hit me with the purse. And there's a guy that I still talk to, a friend of my mom's in Miami, that said, I could live to be 100. And I'll never forget that day. Driving in Broadway and seeing your mom work and you went that purse all the way home.

One time when I wouldn't make my bed, she came to a barbecue and yanked me out of there. I remember that beating. And that was 14, 13. I definitely remember a smack to the face she gave me a week before she died for fucking missing my curfew. Not the curfew. I didn't have a curfew for missing the call.

Uh-huh. I remember pouring a milk over my head at a restaurant because I kept fussing with the fucking food. And she's like, you're too skinny. I was sickly. She goes, you gotta drink this fucking milk. And I go, I want a milkshake. And they go, they don't make milkshakes,

but what they'll do for you is they'll get milk and they'll put the ice cream on top of the milk. The milk. They put whipped cream. And I didn't want that. So as I drank the milk, I put it down. She goes, you're not gonna drink it? And then when she took it in this fucking restaurant.

Now, granted, I'm sick. I had like a little bit of a temperature. And I had to go to Catholic school. Because in those days, we would go out to dinner as a family and then she would drop me off at Catholic school about five o'clock on Sunday. And then she'd pick me up Thursday. This is a Catholic school.

I went to the straight me out, like early on. Wait, so it was like a boarding school? From third to fifth grade, I went to boarding school. Okay. So when I'm sitting there at the table, I wouldn't. Now here I have my suit to go back to boarding school, the whole fucking day. And she's going back and forth with me on this.

We're going back. I'm not gonna fucking drink it. She goes, you're gonna drink it. You're gonna drink it. I'm telling you, you're gonna drink this fucking thing. And I'm not gonna drink it. I'll never forget, she took the milk, poured it over my head and the milk went down my face.

But the ice cream sat on my head and I cried for like two minutes and little by little I could feel the ice cream shifting and it finally just fell on my suit. Then she took me in the fucking bathroom. She made me change. She washed and while she was washing, she was, you got a fucking temperature.

I go, okay. And she goes, hold on. She went to her purse. She got a syringe with penicillin and she shot me in the fucking bathroom because I was really sickly when I was a kid and my mom would always have penicillin with the fucking needles, right in the fucking purse.

The doctor I had, Orlando Delvalle, see this is how much this country has changed. In the old days, when you had a dog, a doctor would come to your house for an extra 20 bucks. Who gives a fuck? Come to my house. He would come to your house. He'd give you a prescription.

They didn't call it in those days. They didn't zip at the CVS. You got to bring the piece of paper to CVS yourself or whatever, but he would shoot me with penicillin and then he would give my mom a penicillin, the syringe. Cause after they usually give you a penicillin, your temperature goes up.

You have a weird reaction to it. Kids, I would always get that reaction. So the next day, my mom would have to stop what she was doing and haul me to the doctor. We were so close with the doctor. He was a Cuban doctor that the doctor finally said, fuck it, I'll just leave you a syringe and penicillin. So my mom would blast me.

She would bend me over and just blast me in the fucking ass. My mom would have a lump on my ass, like a blood clot. She didn't give a fuck. Humans don't give a fuck about blood clots. That don't affect us. Oh my God, but you never got syphilis after that. No. Because that's what they give you if you have syphilis.

It probably made your body immune to any STD. When you have a cold, you have a penicillin. I've never heard of penicillin for a cold. Yeah, yeah. When you have a cold in the 70s, they give you a shot of penicillin. A cold in the 70s. When you had a throat,

I would always have throat problems. Right, right, right. They give you a shot of penicillin. Wow. Okay. And then the penicillin would offset it. You'd get a temperature even higher overnight. Right.

So my mom would be prepared with another fucking shot in the ass. Unbelievable. I went to get her. I went to give her blood today and I didn't faint. I had to leave my house at six to get to Hollywood at my 630. I went and got breakfast.

For something specific? Or were you giving blood for her? I was giving blood because they had a prescription. They wanted to see what the range was. But I owed them for two blood tests. I owed them for one from November, which I never went down there and got. This, I got the call in February and January

and I just went down in April. I was telling Lee, tell mom I'm gonna go for the, I hate fucking needles. Yeah, I can imagine. I fucking hate needles. Because you associate them with penicillin in your ass. But no, that's doctor.

The crazy thing with this fucking doctor was, he was a cokehead. Right. Dr. Del Valley was a bad motherfucker. I knew Orlando since the time I was a little kid to the time I was in high school. When I was in high school, even after my mother died,

I still went to see him. But when I was a kid, Orlando knew that I didn't like needles. So whenever my mom and stepdad called him and said, Coco's sick, he would love it because he would always make that his last stop. Cause he knew that my mom and dad would offer him a drink or whatever.

So he would have a drink with my mom and dad. They would come in, check my temperature. And he'd go, I was told I have to give you a needle. And I go, let me think about it. So he'd go, great. He'd go out in the living room and have drinks with my mom and dad like three or four drinks.

He'd do a blast. This guy didn't blow. He'd do a couple. I didn't know it at the time. He'd come back with his jaw going all crazy. And I'd look at my mom like, why is this fucking jaw going? I didn't know.

I didn't know until later on as I got older. I saw him at a club one night and he was all fucked up when he asked me for Coke. And I asked, yeah, he asked me for Coke. And I told him I had aspirin. He goes, what do you got for the head? And I go, aspirin. He goes, oh, don't tell me that.

This guy was a freak. Towards the end, I was trading him cocaine for steroid prescriptions for a friend of mine. I would just go up there and give him like an eight point. He'd like 10 steroid prescriptions. And then finally his kid stole his prescription Brooke in the eighties.

He got busted. And he lost his license. Yeah, absolutely. So that's how crazy this was. Unbelievable. Now, would you ever give your kid just a shot? Like, could you ever do that? Just come over here.

Let me give you a shot in your ass. I don't know if I could handle that. That would be too much for me. I can't. But I know my fucking crazy wife could do it. She would do it. Yeah, she's in Tennessee. She'll give you a noodle.

My kid had a house call from a doctor two weekends ago. He had an earache or ear infection. We couldn't even, I've never heard this kid scream for so many hours. It's such a decimal. Am I saying that correctly? A decimal? Like for hours,

I called the doctor on a Saturday and he heard my kid in the background. I was in a different room. I went to a different room so I could make the phone call. The doctor's like, I hear your kid screaming. I'm coming over.

So we had a house call. And he tried you? Yeah, I don't care. And this doctor is also an acupuncturist because he does like everything. Like he told me a pathic. He put two acupuncture needles in both my kid's ears and it drained and in an hour he was calm.

I couldn't believe it. He's like, thank God, I will write you three checks like this. It's so worth it because I could not do that. When I was a kid, if I was screaming like that, my parents would be like, shut up and sit down.

Like they had no patience for any kind of, your kid's not feeling good or, zero patience, zero. Immigrant parents. Yeah, they're just. You know, there was a rule in my house. My mom had a rule. I understand you get sick.

Yeah. But just do me a favor, go to school. Ha ha ha ha ha. Go to school. Oh my God. If you puke in school, don't know you're sick.

If I wouldn't go to school, I was not out of three. But if I went to school, got sent home from school, I was a lot out. My mom had weird rules. Yeah. Yeah.

Your mom probably didn't have that sawdust that they had in our school. So she didn't want to have to cover the puke up herself. She's like, go puke at school because they can cover that up with that. Did you have that when you were a kid? They sprinkled this like, this like dust.

Do you remember that? My mom didn't let me do anything. Like if I didn't go to school, there was no TV. I couldn't watch anything. I couldn't do anything. My parents, my mom only hit me a couple of times and it was mostly like just spanking.

Like she never like hit me, hit me. But you brought it up before the podcast. If any, I was at my friend's house and they would yell at their parents and it's like, what are you doing? Like in my dad, I don't think my dad ever hit me, but my dad was loud.

My dad was on the radio. He knew how to get loud. So like up until a few years ago, I was still scared of my parents. But you probably grew up with a lot of kids that did get hit as well, right? All the kids in the neighborhood, right? Launched.

See, I did it. Little minded, launched. Yeah. And so I was always embarrassed. I felt like I had to hide it, like live undercover the fact that I would get smacked. So if a friend of mine was coming home with me and we were past curfew,

I had to prepare her for what was about to happen. She was not used to the wrath of my mom. My mom would swing the door open and just grab me by the hair. And I have these like white scared friends that are like, what the fuck is happening? And I had to like make excuses because it all being Russian too.

So I was like, oh, she's just saying, she just gave me like a list of things I have to do. No, she was swearing at me. She was cursing me out. But because it was in Russian, I could like make up a story and cover it because I was embarrassed. But your friends were probably all getting smacked around too.

None of my friends got hit. Oh, all my friends got hit. Yeah, big difference. I had a friend that his dad would punch him at the school and like he'd fucking get up bleeding. His dad would talk to the teacher with crossed arms. And then he'd be standing right there and then, okay. And he'd just backhand him, bam, bam.

And the kid would go down, glasses busted. He'd get up again, fucking pound him again. When I went to Catholic school, there was a kid, Leslie Rubero, who bailed me out when we attacked the nun. We got beat up by a nun. I did so he attacked the nun. Leslie helped me.

His father used to throw fucking bombs at him. Now, when I got into that altercation with the teacher, I was in the fifth grade. Leslie's father was already throwing bombs at him guys. I'm talking from fucking men bombs, bam in the chest. Carmine Balzano, who I'm gonna talk about tomorrow night in the thing, he used to pulverize fucking kids, left hooks, you know, do I see the need for that?

Do I wanna be mercy at my daughter like that? I don't think so. If I had a boy, I think sometimes it's parental frustration. Yeah, a lot of the times. Yesterday's beaten was classic. That was no frustration. That was a mom saying, you're fucking slipping. I don't give a fuck what the rest of the kids are doing.

You gotta be an individualist, you know, and she smacked the fuck out of them. And that's, those were the beatings I got. I think because she was also wearing a cop's uniform, the irony of it. No, I'm kidding, she wasn't, but can you imagine? No. Police mom brutality.

If you see like a kid getting beat up, like you had an issue a year or so ago where you started getting beat up, it looks like it makes you feel bad, but that watching it yesterday, that was like a teenager. And like the mom was hitting him, but she wasn't like punching him. She was just like hitting him in the head.

Fucking smack on him, man. There's some good fucking smacks to that. You know, also that was more to embarrass him too. You know, cause he was probably there with his other friends and they probably had a plan. We're gonna loot this, we're gonna do this, whatever. And look, I get it, they're all frustrated, fine. But there was also, like a lot of the times,

I think the parents do it to send a message, like don't try to act out, don't think I'm not gonna find you and do this to you in public. Cause hitting your kid at home is one thing. You know, you didn't make your bed and then your mom smacks you, you go into your room, you make your bed.

But that's all done in privacy. But if you think about it 30 years later, it wasn't about me making the bed. It was about her telling me something and me telling her fighting with her. That got under my mom's cruel. Of course. And that's what gets under every mom's cruel.

The why. Absolutely. The why, why? Cause I fucking said it. That's why. You know, I see these kids today that get away and say shit, if in my neighborhood, if you were 16 and you went home

and your dad said, all right, before we eat, let's say a prayer. Like I went to somebody's house 10 years ago and the father said this at a party and the father said to the kid goes, we don't pray because, you know, there's an atheist God that, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da.

In my neighborhood, if you said that to your dad, you get dad to reach across and beat the fuck out of you. You know, or dad would say, you don't want, since you don't believe in the same God I can't believe in. Get the fuck out of here. You ain't eating my fucking food, bitch. You know, that's, that's tough love, but it's also, you know, the beatings that I got,

I remembered why I never did it again. You know, like- But you just did something else. My mom didn't want me to, she didn't like the talking back. She didn't like the, I think of the immigrant mom. When I was, when I was five, I had this, not this gold chain,

but I had something this thick and the same. Yeah. My mom would put this gold chain on me in New York city when I was five and say, come on with that. Don't let nobody touch it. I remember one day I was getting an ice cream from Mr. Softy and she was watching from the window and the guy goes, can I see your chain?

And he touched my chain. My mom flew downstairs and almost fucking killed me. Because my mom, I didn't have a dad. So my mom was doing, wearing two hats. Right. You know, five years ago, four years ago, I went to the YMCA one night and I was hitting the bag. And I couldn't hit, I wanted to hit the bag.

I couldn't hit the bag because I was an Indian mom, American Indian, not the boo boo, but the other one, had her kid in there with hand wraps, not even hand wraps, but towels. And she was teaching him how to hit the bag. And I could hear, you know, I was wondering why, why? Why would a mother take her son to hit the bag? I mean, and at the end, the mother goes,

you keep doing this and those kids will not teach you in school anymore. What mom in today's society says that all they're doing is making them documentaries. I'm how my kid is getting bullied, but they're not teaching them how to fight back, how to stick up themselves. I said, I got no reason to lie to you.

They brought a tear to my eye. Yeah, of course. I get overcome with emotion because that was my mom. My mom used to say, this is what needs to be done. Don't let this, I still remember going home when they get beat up at the park and my mom finally got about it. And the next day I began home and I'm going,

get dressed, we're going to the park. I'm like, for what? And she's like, we're gonna go see what happened yesterday. We're gonna go take care of it. She made me walk up to that kid and smacked that 17 year old in the face when I was 14. And then let the kid beat me up. We fought again, but my mom goes,

you never come back to this house, hit. Never in your life does a man stay hit, not in this fucking house. You get onto a beef, that kid hits you, you hit him back, then you come home. Don't ever stay hit. Even if you get beat up, come home, we got a sandwich and go back tomorrow, next day

and fight this motherfucker again, but don't stay hit because then everybody will beat up on you. But if you fight for your shit, they won't. So what would you say if, what would your mom say if you started the fight? If I started, if I was 17 and whatever, my mom would say you're a little bigger than him. My mom was one of those people.

My mom understood. I remember coming home from Catholic school and having an attitude like I would leave on Sundays and come back Thursday nights. My mom telling me on Thursday nights, there's some kids that want to fight you tomorrow. Get ready to fight at her bar. At her bar, my mom would make me fight the fuck.

Get out there, get out there. What are the options? What do you do with your kid? What the fuck do you do? Couple weeks ago, I went to this jujitsu tournament. It was a guy's tournament, but there was these two 12-year-old girls and they were jujitsu and one girl had the other girl

like by seven or eight inches. But that little Asian girl was holding her own. I got so over fucking well with emotion because I know my, even if I die next year, my daughter gets into jujitsu, she'll never be raped. She'll never, this jujitsu is a great way for women to empower themselves. Your strength is on your back,

where women never want to be, unless you're a dirty fucking whore. But if I throw you down, Kira, that's what jujitsu is. You're back. So when I go to rip your shirt off from now on, you're gonna break my fucking elbow because jujitsu is not for a big guy to do the little guy. Jujitsu was constructed for a little guy

to work on a big guy. I went yesterday to jujitsu and I seen what John Salami weighs 165 pounds. He was throwing me around like a fucking kettlebell. He swept me one time, I went four feet in the air because they used technique. So you're gonna get these young girls, they gotta keep drilling armbars,

like fucking Ronda Rousey. That's what you're gonna get now. Ronda Rousey has opened, Ronda Rousey is a UFC star and everything, but she's also letting women know that the party's over for a while. If a woman really doesn't wanna be a victim no more, she doesn't have to be a victim.

I'm gonna rest better as a father if I know my daughters could take care of themselves. I know if a guy pushes my daughter back on her back, guess what? You just went into her world, Jerkoff. Jujitsu is you between my legs, my God. Go ahead, try to take my pants off. I will break both your fucking elbows,

even if you have me over 100 pounds. Because I'm gonna make that little girl drill that fucking armbar like they did with Ronda Rousey, where she could catch it from everywhere. She could catch it in her sleep with one arm. So the woman, if the woman is the victim in the situation and she's on her back, that's actually beneficial. That's Jujitsu, that's your world.

Got it, okay. You're learning how to sweep men, how to choke people out from your back. How to triangle motherfuckers. So let's say the guy wants to rape you and eat your pussy. Boom, that's your world. When he puts his head between your legs, you're gonna triangle this motherfucker.

And with that triangle, you're gonna choke him out. He's gonna lose consciousness. And then you're gonna go get your knife out of your purse. Well, let's not get carried away. Let him finish what he started. If he's any good, you know, we'll let him finish. And then, son of a bitch. You cock sucker breaking into my window

and eating my asshole. But it gave me, nobody wants their kid getting hit. Think of how you felt when your child was an Eric. He would help us. Think of your child comes home and says, mommy, this kid hit me. What are you gonna do? Call his parents and studio?

No, I don't, I tell him. Come over here. This is what we need to be done. Next time he hits you, knock him out. Don't tell mommy told you. Don't tell daddy mommy told you either. But you knocked that motherfucker out. Do you know what my mom used to tell me to do?

This is just so ridiculous in old school. She, you know, you make a V with your fingers and she's like, you take fingers. You put them in eyeballs. And I'm like, mom, I'm not gonna do that. You take your fingers into their eyeballs. And if they do that to you, you put your hand up to your nose

and you block the, that was her Russian style martial arts. You can block with your hand on your nose. That's how their fingers can't reach your eyeballs. I'm like, what are you teaching me? Like, you know, the three Stooges self-defense? She's like, it work every time. Every, that's, that was her go-to thing. To this day, she'll stay, she'll still say that.

The fingers and the eyeballs. I laugh at moms. I laugh at moms when I go to like studio city events. Like farmers market? Yeah, like all that. I just laugh at moms because it's like, I can look at these kids and this kid's gonna have a hard fucking time there on his life.

The moms are half a fruitcake. The dad's got sandals on, walking around like life is beautiful. You know, you didn't see those dads at the farmers market? They walk around like, huh, huh. Can't believe they wear sandals. And they hold their babies and the wife and her friend that can't get laid to be arrested.

I'm like, oh, you have such a good man. He's bouncing around. Meanwhile, this guy's thinking about fucking going home and watching the New England Patriots fucking game. He's living in hell himself because it's Sunday fucking morning. He wants me to walk around the farmers market. I like the farmers market.

I don't give a fuck about football. I go there and get a pizza with the wife. We go there quick though. It's quick. I go to the farm. I don't walk around. They have good breakfast burritos. Do they?

At that farmers market? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And good tacos. Tamales. Yeah, the tamales. Oh my godly, they got good tamales. But they're not tamales like the mother-in-law makes. They're like New Age,

like spicy green pork and Gouda cheese with goat cheese sprinkled on. Get the fuck out of here. Mexicans don't eat goat cheese. They eat the goat bitch. But they're still good. I'll still put some of them down. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You let a lot of things slide in LA. They try to mix things up. They'll try to, I went to a place where you just wanna get some Chinese food, just some greasy Chinese food and they're like, well, you know, it's tempeh. And I'm like, oh, just whatever.

Just throw some sauce on it and I'll eat it. You know who's got good Chinese food, I figure. I cannot find good Chinese food in LA. Well, there's not good Chinese food but you know who's got really okay Chinese food there. Interesting. Across the street from the Laugh Factory. Oh, really?

That little mall. It's like all natural. I've ordered from there before. Yes, it's not world-class. But she tries hard. The pork fried rice isn't bad. The Chinese and they're real Chinese. Yeah, that's important.

So that's a plus. I grew up in San Francisco. So I've had the best Chinese food and you can't find it in Los Angeles proper. You have to go out to like, what is it? It's out the 10. You got to go east of LA and that's it. Oh, Monterey Park.

Thank you. Yeah, Monterey Park. And they got a good, what you like. Dim Sum. Dim Sum on Sundays and dumplings. In 85, I used to go to a place on Van S. on San Francisco and it used to be called North Star Chinese restaurant.

It was Szechuan style and I get the shredded beef with the carrots and the... And with the cucumbers. Well, not cucumbers, it's celery over white rice. Fucking tremendous. I've never liked the Chinatown food in San Francisco. You don't even go to Chinatown. It was a little too real for me.

For tourists. For tourists. But you go into a Chinese restaurant in the sunset, like the inner sunset and everyone's Chinese. That's the place you want to eat. That's the place you want to eat. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's the seven immortals that was rewritten.

You know, I lived in the Tenderloin, right? Did you? In 1985, Rich Ramirez was up there. Oh my God. This is when the Tenderloin was real. Oh, shit. The Virginia Hotel, which is now the, what's across the street where they do comedy

in different languages, Schrader, the Hostel. It's a hostel now, the Virginia Hotel. So when I was in high school, my dad had a warehouse. He's a plumber in the Tenderloin. And so sometimes I'd have to take the bus and then go meet him there. And I just, I got so used to walking through the Tenderloin, nothing scared me after that.

It's not a big area, but it's just even those four city blocks. I mean. I used to live by Original Joe's. Yeah. The worst blood bath I ever saw was outside of Original Joe's. Two guys stabbed, blood out of the blood was brown. Oh my God. They were on the street.

The one guy was killed. What's worse, Skid Row or Tenderloin? In 1985, the worst place I had ever seen in my life was San Francisco. Wow. 1985. It wasn't cleaned up. It was fucking wild guys.

I saw some violence, man. I didn't see fist fights. I saw it. Sticks, knives, new chunks. I saw some wild. I used to work at Haydashbury as a bartender on Rockin' Robbins at the end. All the way at the end of Haydashbury

by the Golden Grape Park across from McDonald's. There used to be a bar that was all Cadillacs on the wall. And whenever somebody would tip and repress a button all the lights, the headlights would go off on them. There was a bowling alley? Bowling alley. There was a movie theater that had couches and I told Lee about this.

I had popcorn and they'd push fresh sticks of butter and you could see the butter melting and they made chocolate chip cookies, fresh chocolate chip fucking cookies, no candy, no nothing. Fucking popcorn with real butter and chocolate chip cookies. San Francisco for me at that age was a paradise. Why did you go there?

I was running for the feds. I was running for the cops for credit card fraud. Broder and that's the only place I knew I had a friend and over the bridge? Uh-huh, Oakland? No. Hayward? All those muddy places?

Yeah. They were selling Coke, they were from Jersey and what they had was a Coke business out there. Oh, Marin? Marin's side? Oh, okay. And they were detailing cars. So they did all their Coke transit and that's

when you got $160 to detail the car. So I helped them out a little bit. I was just running and I always heard it was great and I went up there, I got off the bus and because I took a flight to San Francisco but a bus from the airport to the town, I didn't know. And I got a whole tower room there

and that's when my crime spree started, right there. It's frightening, I can't believe you live there. Cannot believe that. Coffee runs, the place that had topless coffee waitresses so you went to get coffee. That sounds like a terrible idea. Coffee fucking runs on the corner. And then the 50 steps from there.

Extra cream, that's where the topless came from. 50 steps from there, there was a pawn shop where I took all my stolen shit. Anything I got, anything me and a bunch of thieves got. And the iron is, it's right next to, Union Square, which is a really nice area and shopping and high-flying. Right, up by Macy's.

Yeah, the Sakswith Avenue, the whole Union Square. Sakswith Avenue, where all the Chinese people doing Tai Chi outside in the mornings. I lived right there, I lived two blocks down there. But then the Tenderloin, what streets did you live on? Eddie, Turk? I lived on Death, that's where I lived on Death Street fucking. And then Rich Ramirez was up there killing people.

Oh Jesus. He went to somebody's house and killed an old man, took his eyeballs to go and killed two sets of people. To go? To go, took his eyeballs, because Satan said to take his eyeballs for strength. So he, fuck, yeah man, I'm not kidding you. He went through.

He was buying weed in the Tenderloin. So there was a place where we all bought weed in the hotel. And I remember going up and that's where they confiscated the door. That's where he wrote this thing from AC DC, Night Prowler. Yeah. And I remember when the feds went, they took the doors because he was writing in the room.

He had really bad teeth, supposedly. And then I went up to that building to get weed and they were all fed. And I go, I'm looking to cop weed. And they're like, they showed me a badge. Get the fuck out. They didn't catch him, they caught him down here. He got on the bus at Union Square.

And went down to fucking LA and they beat him up in LA. They beat the fuck out of him on the streets of South LA. But San Francisco was bad. I left there going, I loved it. I loved the food. I loved everything about it. I loved the weights and everything I was doing, the bartending and the stealing and the fucking drugs.

I was doing shit that I sit back now and I just giggle. But it was great. It was great. You know, that's how the city was founded, the Barbary Coast. It was like everyone was either running from the law or they were trying to find their fortune with the gold rush or it was all hookers and I mean, it was like transients and crooks and robbers.

I mean, that's how the city first came about was just a place to go and raise hell, wreak havoc. What a great city. Now it just seems overpopulated. It's a completely different place now. It's just over fucking populated to the gills. You can't do anything to traffic. I mean, everyone's 25.

Everyone wants to be a millionaire. Everybody wants to go and get that next big app and work in Silicon Valley and just, you know, the tech craze has changed the entire city. When I was a kid, it was like a town. It was a really big town. I lived in the city, in the suburb, yeah, inside the city and you knew everybody.

You knew everybody. You'd go downtown, you'd run into someone because it's seven miles long. What high school did you go to? School of the Arts. School of the Arts. Yeah, it was inside another high school called Macatier which was such a bad high school.

The other schools in the area nicknamed us Blackatier. We had mostly black and Hispanic kids and then we had a school of the arts inside of it like Fame in New York, you know, that same thing. We were dancing on cafeteria tables, breaking out in song at the lockers, you know, all of that. But it was inside this really, really rough school where we had gangs and violence and drugs and...

When did you think about stand-up? When did I think about it? I knew at six years old. Really? Six. I didn't know what it was. I didn't know it was like a job or a career or you get paid and chicken fingers on the road.

I didn't know all of those things but I knew at six for sure. And I would ask my, I'd beg my mom, help me be a stand-up comic. She's like, go and sit down, shut up. Like it was always just sit down and shut up. That was my entire childhood. And I say this with love because I love my parents.

You got brothers and sisters? I had a brother. He died. He had a heart attack at 38. I'm sorry to hear that. Yeah, yeah. But you grew up with somebody else in the house. Yeah, he was much older.

So, you know, he was eight years older. So when I was, let's say eight, he was already 16, got a driver's license. He was out, out of the house. We hardly saw him. Then at 17, he decided I'm gonna get a GED. I don't wanna be in school anymore. At 17, he graduated basically from high school

and then moved like left and got out. And then came back. So then he eventually, he actually, the picture right here, I just keep looking at it with your fro right here. Yeah, that's my brother. He had that big fro, that big curly Jew fro in his case. And it's just, you know, when I see that,

it brings back a lot of memories, those years, those eras. But, you know, it was, I grew up like an only child, basically. And then he came back and moved back in with us and live with us. But I always felt like he was more of a second father. And then when I got older, he kind of accepted hanging out with me more.

But it was hard for him. Cause I was this, I was, I was, I was so much younger than him. And he looked so much older. He had a big mustache too. And I had a boy haircut for a little while. And so people thought he was my dad. Like they were like, oh, your son is so adorable.

And it was really, it was hard for me. I was called a boy all the time. And it didn't help that I liked dressing like a boy. You tried San Fran for the first time at the other stage up there. No, down here. Did you? Yes. How old were you?

Right after college. You came right down there. Right, yeah. No, no, I went to college in San Diego. So I literally technically came up. So I'm a typical California girl, even though I don't look at, you know, San Francisco, went to San Diego state.

And then LA, now I live in LA. I've lived in LA, now the longest I've lived anywhere else. 18 years? I've lived here 17 years, yeah. So we both kind of moved, I lived here. So that's where we met at the economy store pretty well. Yeah, yeah. It's pretty funny.

Harry told me a story this morning. He goes, this is why I like Kyra, Kyra, whatever the fuck her name is. He goes, because I would always see her at the store. And one night she just came up to me and said, do we have a problem? And he goes, what do you call him? He goes, nah, I walk past, you don't say hello.

You gotta say something. He goes, ever since that time I found a little Kyra. Because you don't fuck around, you don't put punches. It takes a certain woman to make it in this. You guys all have one quality. And I can't put my finger on it. But the girls that have stayed, because you and I have seen people come,

they were gonna be stars, went to Montreal, passed us up, we sat there and going, holy shit and all of a sudden, God. You go on Facebook, they're married, they sell insurance and you're like, you had this passion for this, where did it go? I don't think the passion I have to stand up, could ever just shut off.

I have my moments with like anybody else. When Lee was editing, he didn't like it. But I bet you now, you're like, I bet I could go edit some shit out of some shit. You know what I'm saying? But when you're doing it, you don't, you know, what am I gonna get out of this business? But I was in it for good.

Once I knew I was in, I was in. Like once I came here and I go, well, it looks like fucking Wall Street is out. You don't accept felons, you know? We've seen them all. But all you women that have stuck around, all have one guan and I can't put my fucking finger on it. And then I read Georgia Jeans post,

like I told you that said, men hit on me, that's why I had to get out of comedy. Men hit on every fucking thing. If you work at Kinko's or if you're, you know, a plumber, men are gonna hit on you. And I'm being honest when I say this to you, I might be oblivious or naive. I don't think I was hit on that much.

And I'm not talking about because I'm married now, because I've been married only since 2008. So, and trust me, a wedding ring has never stopped a man anyway. Anyway. But before, you know, if you count from like the end of 97, basically 98 to when I started doing open mics, you know, kindness of strangers down here on Lancashire, right down the street is where my first,

first, first standup was. Right here, kindness of strangers, it's gone. Vargas Mason was there the first night I was there. What was kindness of strangers? A little open mic that would go to. Where was that Lancashire? Okay, so Moorpark and just a hundred yards south of Moorpark, right there on Lancashire.

Right down the street from where the McDonald's is. And like there's a toilet right by the church. You know, Ernie's, there's a church. Ernie's taco. Oh my God, I do remember that. I was up there, Vargas Mason, he lived on Vista and me and Josh Wolf went up there on a Saturday night. I would go there every week.

That was my first open mic. But I don't think I ever got that hit on before. Maybe it's the vibe I put out. I think I put out a vibe of, I'm like kind of like, you know, 10% dude. You know what I mean? Like I think I put that out. So maybe that's not attractive to men.

I don't really have a vulnerable quality. The first, when you see me on stage, maybe that's it. But Georgia Jean, beautiful girl and fantastic. I never got hate on so much that I was like, this is fucking ridiculous. Yeah, I gotta stop doing more. I can't do it. I never.

And also because I started at the store every Sunday in 2000, for three years I was there, I think that does something to you as well. That's like a boot camp, the comedy store when you're first starting out. So for two years I just did shitty open mics. I mean, talk about hostels and laundromats and basements and women's shelters.

I did a woman's shelter, I remember every Thursday. What was the place on Barham? Right before you went to hit down to Highland. If we were on Barham, we're gonna make that fucking left onto Highland. Boom, we're gonna make that left. Right there, there's a building there now. It's been 20 things.

When we first moved here, that was a place, that was a coffee shop. They did comedy there, but they also had scripts in there. So let's say you wanted to read Breakfast Club. You'd go get Breakfast Club. Do you remember? And it went out of business, that was there. I mean, there was so many comedy things.

I remember the name. You know, I was talking to this kid the other day and he was asking, he goes, you know, I'm having a struggle and whatever. And I go, let me ask you something. Look me in the eye and tell me, you really went out when you got, how long have you been in LA?

He goes about a year and a half and nothing's going my way. I said, tell me the truth. How many times a week do you go out? And he goes, wow, I usually try to go out like two nights a week. I go, there was your problem. I go, when you moved to LA,

when you get into this as an open mic, it's like getting out of a rehab. When you got out of rehab by the time, you got to go to an AA meeting every fucking day for 90 days. When you moved to LA or anything like, when you're going to commit to this, it's every night. They don't care about your girlfriend's asshole.

They don't care about your cat dying. They don't care about fucking nothing. Like tonight, I got to go do comedy. My cat died today. I had to put the cat to sleep today. It affected me a little bit, but I got to go do fucking comedy. I don't give a fuck.

That's what a comedian does. Before I was telling you that I located my daughter, I found her on Lincoln. Whatever the fuck it is, Lincoln dump, you know? When I lived in Boulder, and I was going through all the hell with her mother, I would have a joint in my asterisk because I knew when I dropped her off,

I'd be so heartbroken. I'd smoked that joint, but I had a promise to myself that no matter how bad I felt, I was going to do comedy. How did you find her? Did you just search in LinkedIn? No, something happened.

Oh, I went to read for some, you know, listen, guys, I may be dumb, but I'm never fucking out. I called her eight weeks ago, and I told her the truth, and then she never called me back. So I called her again last week. I was a little angry.

I woke up, you know, and I called her up and I go, hey, man, she never called me back. You'll listen. I don't know what you think is going to happen. I just want to say I'm sorry. I love it. I'm here for her.

That's it. I understand it's got a family in place. I might have disrupted, I got my own shit going on. I don't believe it disrupted nobody's life. She called back with some fucking story that she just had a breakup, and she's still grieving over her grandfather.

Her grandfather died in fucking December. So I called a private investigator to find her, and he goes, you know, they haven't hidden so much. They changed her name. Her name was Jacqueline Michelle Diaz. They changed her name to Jackie J-A-C-Q-U-I, Michelle. They rewrote Michelle, and they changed her last name

to her mother's remarrying name, Ball. Oh. Without my permission. I never signed that paperwork. Yeah. What are you thinking of going to an attorney? Like, I'm gonna contact an attorney in Denver, and I'm gonna tell them my story.

And if something's kinky, you know what I'm thinking about suing them. You know, listen, you could go some way and slice somebody's fucking throat. You go some day and punch them in the face and call them a cunt and express whatever you can. She already knows she's a miserable cunt. You know, I would love to have the balls

to put like a fucking santeria spell or something. My ex- The mother, yeah. The mother, but I know that backfires. I don't believe in any of that shit, but I'll tell you what I do believe in. You want to hit a motherfucker, you hit him in the pocket. Yeah.

That kills a motherfucker. Not when you're 21, but when you're 15, you're trying to put away money for your fucking future. That kills you with some mother, because I had a loose end. This is the way I looked at it. I had a couple loose ends in my life. Right.

This shit that was floating out there that I had to get. I got that for 35 years, it was these boxes I had, and I had calling back my wife, my daughter. I had, you know, I just one day said I can't do this. I can't be a comedian and be at war with these people. I can't do it. So I'm just going to fucking walk away from the situation. I'll be back.

I'm down right now, but I'll be back. So I had a loose end, but after I called her and I admitted my, and then she's still fucked with me, guess what now? Now she's got a loose end. Right, right. It's not my loose end no more. Now she's got a loose end because like I called her

and told her like, oh listen, I called you as a courtesy, she's 25. I don't have to fucking call you. Right. The last thing my ex-wife wants is for me to grab this kid's ear. Yes she'll find out the truth. Why would she hide her so much?

Uh huh. She's hiding her because she doesn't want to know the fucking truth. Yeah, yeah. Did you ever file a police report for them beating you up? Because like that could be an issue because you don't really have proof of that. No, I don't need proof of that.

I need proof. I lived in London for three years when she was 16 years old. It took her out of the country. Oh no. Without my permission. And a divorce, you still have to get written permission for the child. Oh really?

Even state lines I think. You can't even. I'm not worried about that beating. I got the best of that beating. That dude is not walking around today. Trust me, something's not right with his insides today, so I don't get it. They broke my rib, but I caught one of the guys.

There's three guys that jumped me and I caught one of them. And I tell you what, everything that bad that's ever happened in my life, I took it on that guy when he was on his back. He didn't know Jiu-Jitsu. And I got a size 13 foot. Did he try to eat your pussy? No, he tried.

He hit me with a two-by-four, he hit my dog. He hit the German Shepherd with a two-by-four. What? And I caught this motherfucker by the collar. And threw him down and he punched me and then I started punching him. And I was just really angry. I mean, I wasn't even myself that night.

This is all the things they did over time to me. And then when I caught the guy, I wanted his wallet, he was from Idaho. My boyfriend was from Idaho. So they were friends of the boyfriend. So I had this cop that was off duty. I called him up and he was a friend and I called my to him the truth.

I go, what should I do? He goes, don't call the cops. Where's the guy you caught? I go, right here. He's home moaning, groaning. He came over, I took my car, I put fucking wrapper in it and we drove to both the hospital. We threw him out in front of the house.

But I never heard a word again. Jesus Christ, oh my God. See, once they sent somebody to me, they sent me a warning. Yeah. But they couldn't capitalize on that warning. That's my world. You sent somebody to my house and you're a civilian,

you just entered my world. They'd either shoot me or kill me because if not, you just entered my world. Now I got a green light on your ass and you don't know how to deal with my world. I don't know how to deal with your world but you definitely don't know how to deal with my fucking world. So it just escalated.

This ugly thing was over a love of a child. This story I'm telling you is over a love of a fucking child. And I'm not doing it, I'm doing it away from me if I go after them in court. I'm doing it for all the other guys that this gets done to because this is called legal kidnapping. And I have a friend that did this also. If you divorce your husband tomorrow,

this family's got money and they say you're a comedian, you drink when you go out because everything you do will be used. Like that drink that you do at the comedy store and then do your set, you're an alcoholic. You're at dark places every night, you're this, you're that. So that guy, if he's got money, he's gonna get so costy,

then they're gonna fuck with you a little bit until you slip. You know, they're gonna put you in a bad position until you slip and then once you fucking slip, now you don't get the kid. But me and you might have a war. I'm still gonna let the kid see you because you're like child's father. She didn't want me around since day one.

It was two years of hell for me, but it was two years of hell for her. Remember, I made her life a living hell. I caused hell for her at the house. And then after I beat them in court finally, that the judge said that if they didn't give me the child it'd be a- Contempted court?

Contempted court. Outside that day, I just ate her alive. I just said things to her in front of her husband that nobody would ever say to somebody's. Because I had to. I had to. This was three years of them unloading on me, giggling. You know, like making remarks and ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Like trying to be cute. And I'm not from that kind of paper. I don't know how to work that. I don't know how to work that. I come from a different world. You fuck with me, I fuck with you. We get sticks or whatever the fuck we just had. I didn't know.

And they didn't know. Then I went after the boyfriend. And once I went after the boyfriend, then they knew. But I had two felonies in Boulder. So when I assaulted him, they were gonna put me in jail. No, no, no, no. He called me a spick. So you can't use a racial slur.

And they say limits of Boulder. That's how liberal they are. So the judge had to throw it out. He's sitting there with a black eye. His eyes were a blood shot. So trust me, I was no angel in this either. But she's the one that just wanted to take the baby from me. I couldn't figure out why.

And she was using it all the way. You went to prison and so on. I paid my debt to society. No, I'm out. I just want to be a dad. So for a long time, it was power. It's legal fucking kidnapping. So I'm sitting here going to have to do something.

I mean, what I really want to do, what I really want to do is go to Boulder, slice her throat and rub salt on her for three hours and break her kneecaps and drain her blood. Then give her a transfusion and keep that cunt alive. And then shoot spitballs of salt in her pussy. And I mean, I could torture somebody for fucking hours. Like I said to you.

Are you pinching me a movie? No, that's my world. I feel like you're pinching me a movie right now. I could torture this bitch for hours. Don't forget the eyeballs. Because that'll be like everything bad that's happening from my dad dying. I'll just sit in the room smoking pot,

spitting fucking gasoline balls at a pussy. I'll burn her pussy from the inside out. They won't be a placenta when they find that bitch. They won't be a fucking uterus. They won't be nothing. I mean, that's the hatred I really have for her because she tried to cut my legs off with my loved ones. She knew I had no family.

I have nothing in this world. Now you're taking the only blood I have from me. She knew what she was being spiteful. You want to be spiteful, motherfucker? I could be real spiteful. And guess what? I have nothing to lose because I had nothing. I got no family, I got nothing.

I was prepared to go to prison. I'll write jokes for Jay Leno. That was my thing at the time. You believe that? That's how sick I was that I was prepared to go to jail by a fax machine in jail so they could have it in the office and I could just fax Jay Leno jokes every fucking day. And hopefully he would buy some

and I could be a comic working inside jail. When you get to that point in your mind, that's why I left bold because I knew and when she called me that day back, after I called this, she was talking to me. I said, she goes, ah, listen, man, somebody was going to get hurt. Somebody was going to get hurt.

Oh yeah, I told her, she knew. I go, somebody was going to get hurt. Somebody was going to go to jail. I had already beat them. That day in court was the worst day of their life. But when I got in the car, I said I won but what did I really win? I won nothing.

Kara won nothing. I won. Now, every time I have to pick up my daughter, she feels the tension. You know what I'm saying? What do you think? Kids don't feel tension. And how old was she at the time?

Five. Oh my God. So I'm like, you know what? Obviously I'll go pursue my career. I'll keep in touch. I'll pay child support. I'll do the best I can. She doesn't want me around.

I already knew I was never going to get invited to graduations or, you know, she started a new life with a dude and they drank coffee and, you know, they probably gluten-free and, you know, they played pink. Anything to be different. They rode bicycles and, you know. Right.

And she still lives in Denver? I used to live in both. I couldn't compete with that. That's not who I was. I couldn't compete with that. So I went and got my life and I was just, my whole game was just to stay alive to come back and tell my story.

That was my whole fucking thing here. Just to stay alive. What are you doing? Interviewing me? Do you like Kara's? I love it. I love it. I love listening to your voice.

I love listening to yours too. Do you want to put that air on and get the shirt on? But I want to really quickly just go back to that one thing that Ari said about me, which I don't even remember, to be honest with you. But if I ever sense that someone might have a problem, I want to approach them in a way that starts a dialogue. So, you know, I did feel like Ari had an attitude with me,

was treating me like the typical guys that treat female comics like, ah, you're a joke, whatever, it doesn't really matter. Your sets don't matter. You're not funny. We're the real comics. You're just trying to get on TV. And so I always will approach someone

and just make sure. I probably, my exact words were probably, hey, I want to know, have I done something to offend you? Have I done something? I want to know. Have I done something to, because then it doesn't put them on the spot of like, what's your fucking problem?

Because if you start a conversation like that, people are going to automatically say, you're my fucking problem, because now you're in my face pointing your fingers like your mom taught you, what do you want from me? So I'm sure I probably started it like, you know, I just want to make sure. Have I done something?

Just let me know. I'm just curious. And it's usually either yes, you have, no, why, why? Oh, because whenever I walk by you, you just ignore me and I say, hi, you don't say anything back. That's why I'm curious if you're doing that

because I've upset you. So I try to make it civil. And he probably never had that phrase that way to him before. Cause it's usually like, it's very, the comedy store especially can be an aggressive place. That's not all lovey-dovey. It might be now, I think it's changed a little bit now, but when I was back there around 2000,

It was very aggressive. Very aggressive. Very aggressive. Yeah. Competitive, aggressive, even though some women had paved the way for us, not the most friendly place. You know what I mean? For chicks.

Sorry about that. That's all right. Do what you have to do. I'm not a comic, but it seems to me, just the female comics who I've met and then the ones who are very famous, more so than men. Like men can kind of be like kind of a stupid comic,

like they can be a little bit more goof. Not maybe not Goofy's that I work, but they don't have to be really intelligent. It seems like a lot of the female comics are super intelligent and they're aware of it and it makes them more confident. Like I'm just trying to think of female comics and anywhere from the one who just passed away,

I forget I'm blanking on her name right now. Joan Collins and then- Joan Rivers. Joan Rivers and then people like Amy Schumer and Eleanor was just in, and it seems like female comics and whatever, Sarah Silverman, it seems like they have to be like kind of really intelligent

and then aware of their intelligence. It seems like that's a common thread with female comics. I guess that's part of it. I think it's just you have to just want it so badly that doesn't matter what anyone says or what kind of set you have or what else is going on, you have to just want it. Just like anything.

Desire is desire. Whether a woman has desire, whether a man has desire to be something or gold, or they want it so bad that you could, you know, you want a comedy so bad, I don't want to sound crazy. I didn't want to be a star as much as I wanted to be good at comedy. There's something at a point in comedy

when you're stuck at the three year mark that you can't wait to be good and it hurts. It hurts. You want to be so good so fast and you think about quitting because you say to yourself, I'll never be as good as Kyra, but Kyra, but Kyra, Kyra, but.

It's a New York thing. Every New Yorker calls me Kyra. You stick with it. You know, also when I was first starting out, I knew I would suck and I knew that was okay. And some male comics, they have a real fucking problem sucking, they don't want it. They, it somehow affects their manhood.

I don't have a penis to worry about. So that's not a pissing contest for me. I want it to suck. That's when you learn. That's when you're growing. You're figuring yourself out. To say that I have figured it all out is actually bullshicks.

I haven't. I figure something new out every day. I'm getting better. I feel like after having my kid about four years ago, I figured I definitely heard my voice for the first time. You know, like they have these things on Facebook. Oh my God, they make me cry every time where it's like a deaf person

gets some sort of special hearing aid and now they can hear clearly now for the first time ever. And then they capture that shit on Facebook and you watch it and you're just like melted. Do you ever just like, you ever see those? I've never seen one of those. Have you ever seen one of those?

Oh yeah, of course. Oh my God. They have like little kids who can hear their mom's voice for the first time. Oh jeez, forget it. I'm done. I'm done. The kid like looks up at the mom and it's like,

I hear you. The soldier one's coming home, get me. Oh, come on. There's a soldier and there's a woman that hears her husband for the first time and she just like loses it and I'm just crying. But that's what I felt like as a comic. After I had my kid, something shifted, whatever it was

and I heard my voice to myself for the first time. I was like, oh, there you are. There's Kira's comedy voice. Now it's still changing all the time. I hope I don't- How long was it till you heard your voice? Um, it was about 10, 12 years in comedy. I, all the other shit I did before that was bullshit.

Yeah, that's like me. Bullshit. And now look, people, they responded to it. I had a showtime special before my kid. Everyone's like, that was a great showtime special. Yeah, fine. But it's all garbage when I look back now. I mean, it's good, but it's not, it's the past.

It was fit of fat. It wasn't really who you were. It was the past. It's now I have a different goal and direction. I'm not being at the store and the belly won't run night. Had to be maybe 99, it was 99. And I was doing like a, I didn't know what to do on one man's show.

I didn't know, you know, and my friend says, you should just go and tell a bunch of stories. So I called it stories from a Cuban street. And I went up there and a bunch of comics came out and like nobody had money. Like a bunch of us didn't have money. It was me, John Westling, Ricky Cruz, Jody, Ralphie. It was just a bunch of us that got together.

And I remember we bought a bottle of tequila and we snuck it to the store and we drank shots in the back before I went up there. And that's the first time, not that I heard my voice. Yeah, it was the first time that I could breathe on stage where I didn't, it didn't affect me if I didn't hear laughter and it broke a wall for me. When you're starting, you always want to get laughter.

You always want to tell a line and get laughter. But that was the first time nine years in that I said something and in the pauses there was complete silence and I was fine with it. And I'm like, I like this. I really like this. Well, yeah, that comedy, people joke about like, you guys ready to get this comedy train going?

But really it is, the comedy train is, the laughter is like the coal. You just got to like keep scooping it in and putting it in and it keeps your comedy going. But what you want to do is then at some point allow just to coast, just to be in neutral. And the pauses are the neutral, the coasting between the laughs.

You don't have to constantly rev the engine. I thought it was constant. Yeah. For me, I had to be constant. When you start off, of course, yeah. You know, it's like when I go to Jiu-Jitsu and I'm in a rush to get to them, they're like, no, guy, relax, breathe.

You got the guy on his back, breathe. Now, decide what you want to do. I didn't know that. I thought that you had to go up there and get laughter. But it took about, yeah, about eight or nine years, nine, close to the 10 years to hear my voice, like what I really wanted, what really, I'll tell you what it was.

I had a showcase for APA. And I had this shit fucking material right now. Eight minute showcase. You know what I mean? Yeah. Look at those things at the improv on a Wednesday night. And I'm getting, and I'm in my room and I'm smoking cigarettes, I'm smoking pot,

and I'm drinking coffee and I'm trying to write this brilliant fucking act that I'm in a brilliant calm. You know what I'm saying? I got the mentality of a fucking kid. And I wrote something, but as I'm fucking leaving, they show a lady getting carjacked on the ocean side, a Samoan.

It was one of the funniest things I've ever seen. So it's like this little guy driving a truck, like a Ford little old truck, not even the big trucks, but the little ones that you see driving around. And all of a sudden he stops in a light and this big fucking Samoan comes up punches him in the face, opens the car door,

takes him out and throws him. And then he gets in the car and as he's stepping away, they show his sister. This is on national tier, well it's on ABC, you know, whatever, eyewitness news. And then they show the sister who, if he was, what is Samoan way? What's the average weight of a fucking Samoan?

250. 250. His sister had to be 450. She's running down the street, yelling at him, hey, come back, come back. And as he's driving away, she goes to jump on the flatbed and misses and just lands on a fucking face.

Right? And I'm sitting there watching this and then they go to another story. Right there they go and I'm like, oh my God. And then they go to another thing. They go in an East LA today. They show a fat kid got stuck in the sewer because he threw his car down there

so he got stuck in the sewer. And they show him in the fucking sewer crying and the mother, they were all. Which side was stuck? Like the butt or the face? Everything. All he had was his head sticking out of the sewer. Oh, that game.

He was Mexican. He was a fat eight-year-old, like a 400-pound Mexican kid stuck in a fucking sewer. And they finally pulled him out. They had to cut the fucking sewer plate and pull him out. It was hysterical. And then they had him and he's like,

so what'd you do it again? He's like, I had to get the kid, the fucking thing for a little friend. And I'm watching this going, oh my God. An Avalader, it's 920. I'm at the stage at the improv. Guess what happens? Can you right go on stage?

First joke? Nothing. No. Shit. APA is there. Callum, this is when the whole brass was there. Second joke? Nothing. Third joke?

Nothing. It's gonna be a long night, motherfuckers. I was just about to steal a joke. Like I was that desperate at that time. I was just about to drop a stolen bit. I would have dealt with the repercussions laying. I just didn't even know who to steal from. It's like getting punched in the face three times

when you draw three jokes and nothing happens. Were there jokes that you've done before and people liked or not? You know, whatever. I just tried to be fucking Jonathan Silvam and all of a sudden, I'm dying on stage and I go, did anybody happen to see the fat Simone go for the truck tonight?

The fucking place roared, roared. Like everybody must have been home. Did you see the fat fuck running for the thing then? And if that wasn't bad enough, how about that fat little fuck that got stuck in the sewer? Roar! Did you see it? What was he looking in the sewer for?

Can't do you fat fuck? What the fuck is wrong? And I just went off. APA came up to the inside of me, but that was great. Talking about the news. We saw that. We were in the office.

It was tremendous. So I found that was my voice. Fucking looking at shit and seeing it for what the fuck it is. A lot of people can't. A lot of people look at shit and go, oh my God, I see some shit. I don't know, oh my God, that quick. I owe my God a little later

if it's really that bad. But at first you're like, something fucking interesting happening. This is fucking funny. So that was my voice that night. I had to find something that I don't know. I don't even know what it is, making fun. I don't even know what kind of voice.

But you had a breakthrough. A breakthrough. Yes. The same one you had. Yeah, yeah. How often does that happen though? Because it must, because do you realize it over the first 10 years?

Do you realize you're terrible? Or do you just have like a bunch of different, oh here's this, this is happening? Because I would have to imagine it happens a few times. I think it's like when you first start having sex. Look, you know you're probably terrible. You know it's not really fantastic. It feels good,

but it's not really bringing a lot of joy to a lot of people. You know what I mean? I'm assuming more for guys than girls because you guys have a lot more pressure, right? Remember the first time you had sex? It was terrible. But you have to convince yourself.

You have to almost, almost like you're in denial. I had sex last night and it was terrible. 50 years later, I'm still having terrible sex. But see, sometimes as a comic now you have a bad set. Although I doubt it's that often for you now. No, always, I always, I look for bad sets. It happens if you put yourself out there, yeah. So I think there's a part of you

that has to be again that passion, but also a little bit in denial. Because if you start taking it too seriously, like I bombed, this is the worst thing, I should just quit, then you should, you should. Because I wasn't one of those people that had a great first set. You know, some comics were like,

first time I went up, it was magic. I destroyed, I did 20 minutes. I had a standing ovation. I'm like, holy shit. The first time I went up, it was silence. There was a guy with a leg missing in the front row hackling me and he was right. And I should have said something

to that one leg cocksucker, but I didn't because I was like, you're fucking right. And I don't have a leg to stand on and you only have one and you are right. But guess what? It's my first time. And I'm gonna try to put my comedy penis in more audiences.

That's all I can do to get better. That's all you can do. That's all you can do. Listen, the breakthrough you talked about, I probably had two a year. As a comic, when you're starting out, you probably have two a year. What's a breakout?

Joey, how much time you got? Really? I probably got about 18 minutes. But then Kira meets a guy she likes. She's watching the clock, right? It's her show. Kira's watching the clock. So she's gonna give me a lot of 15.

I told her I could do 18. But guess what? Kira meets that guy that she's been flirting with. So she goes outside to smoke a cigarette with him and I run the light. And all of a sudden, after making out with the guy, she runs back in and goes, Joey, you went over and I get off and then later on,

she'll come over to me and go, you know how much time you did. And I go, no, you go, you did 43 minutes. That's a breakthrough. So now you know you have 43. Then you stayed up. Push comes to shove, yeah. You know, when I go to Jiu-Jitsu,

I tap out after a minute. I can't breathe. But sometimes I go and even if I'm huffing and puffing, I stay on the bottom and I just protect myself. And even if I make another 30 seconds, that's a breakthrough for me. Yesterday, I swept Salami for the first time in three years. Guess what?

I left there with a big dick. Because it's little things that you do. You know, it's like sometimes I'll throw a line out and Leo go, what'd you throw that line out for? Because it's been on my notebook for a fucking two months. I just want to get it out there. So now I know I got it out there. And now that's it.

That's it. When I go to Jiu-Jitsu sometimes, I'm horrible at Neon Belly. But until I don't do it, I'm not going to get better on it. So I'll Neon Belly and then go back to side control and hold them just to try. Did I submit it from Neon Belly? No, but it was a good day for me.

It was a positive day because I went up to Neon Belly. I tried something. How often do you have a bad epiphany? Like let's say you think you did something great and you're creating bad habits. That must happen, too. Like you've talked about doing crowd work a little bit too much at a certain point.

Like that must. Well, I started. Crowd work is not having material. Crowd work is for people who are lazy that don't want to write material. Or you write material and that's your backup. You have some strong material, but you fuck around. If it doesn't go anywhere, then you hit them with the material.

If it goes somewhere, guess what? You're a fucking star. Because if you keep improvising every minute that you keep improvising, that means your last 30 minutes are going to be death. Also, I do crowd work, so I have a callback. So my crowd work that I do is I want to figure out where you grew up and then if I make fun of a city

or not make fun, but talk about something. I go, well, at least it's not Albuquerque or something. Then I have a callback and something fun to play around with, but I think sometimes bad habits are comics that just do the same type of room, the same type of audience, and never try anything. Yeah, absolutely. It's like me telling a joke to my grandmother.

Of course, she's going to think it's fantastic. It's your grandmother. She's going to give you a kiss and a smile and make you feel all warm inside. Why don't you go try to do a room that not everybody looks like you in the audience? If you walk in and you have a big beard and an alt sweater and horn rim glasses

and everyone in the audience is wearing recycled clothes from Buffalo Exchange and horn rim glasses and have big beards like you do, if everyone looks exactly like you, then what are you doing? Go do an all black room. Go do a room that you would never do. Go do a room full of people that don't have kids

if you're going to do your kid material. If it works there, then it's going to slay. Like my special that I'm shooting is mostly marriage, kids, my parents, my in-laws, my childhood. But I can't just try that out on people that I know for sure are married or have kids or are Russian immigrants or, you know what I mean? Like it's not going to happen.

So I go and I try it out in just crazy ass rooms that I know, look, this is not my demographic. But if I can make you guys laugh, then this will kill for the right people. How many jobs did you have before you had comedy? Not too long. Okay, me too. A lot and lots of different crazy ass fucked up jobs.

If you put as much effort into any of those jobs as you did into comedy, like, when I got into comedy, I knew one thing. When I got into comedy in 91, I didn't really know what it was. And for three years, I just dicked around and asked stupid questions. And then when I was mine already, it was 94.

But I knew that if I went into this, I had to go into it a certain way. And I had to attack it from all angles. I never wanted to get comfortable. I knew, I started when I was 28. It was long in the tooth already. So I knew that I had to fucking get to it. I have worked, I mean, I work hard.

You know, I hate to say this, but yeah, I have worked really hard on trying to be funny or learning to be funny. I never wanted any misunderstandings. I never wanted to have a TV show. And for some reason, I don't think you're that funny. I paid my dues. I never wanted anything to go back on me.

Remember that commercial we were growing up? Fran, auto filters, oil filters. The guy would come in on the way out. He goes, you give me a pay me now? Are you gonna pay me later? That's comedy. You know, just cause, hey, Lee, you might come out. You might start comedy next week.

Then the yearly, you might book a series. And you might work seven years and become a millionaire. And you'll look at all of us and say, you're an asshole. And then that's what happens after seven years. Now you can't do any more TV shows because you've been overexposed. So you call your agent. You know what your agent says?

Lee, do stand up. How hard is it to put for, I love how they do that. How hard is it to put 45 minutes together? And you, the second shit that you are in the greed, not Lisa Yat, not Lisa Yat. But that stupid actor that thinks he's God's gift goes on the road and tries stand up and gets his fucking head handed to him.

He gets your head handed to him. All around, they've been calling you a comedian. You're not a fucking comedian. You're a comedy actor. When they call those people comedians, it gets under my fucking skin. When I see the top funniest female comedians and Cameron Diaz is on there, Reese Witherspoon.

That's a comic actor. Yeah, very different. That's a comic actor. What her and I do is sweat and blood and tears. And the work ethic is supreme. I talk, Lee's starting a business of consulting. And I talk to Lee sometimes. And Lee's like, I never thought of that

because I have thought of every angle for stand up. We have thought of every fucking angle. I have attacked this with a passion that has been, and I attacked everything like this when it comes to this. This is my business, whether it's a podcast, or it's a fucking audition, or it's a fucking game show, whatever I'm hosting, I'm doing a game now. One of those 2K games.

And they sent me the sides the other day. They're fucking tremendous. I'll be bitching at me now. They're fucking fucking fucking. So I'm obviously visibly very pregnant. Went to a club recently. There's a comic who broke his arm. And he was like, what are you doing here?

You should be at home. Put your feet up, relax. Why are you still doing sets? I'm like, you fucking broke your arm. You should be at home. You should be relaxing. Why are you here? Are you saying I have a disability?

You're the one who's fucking disabled. You're hobbling around. You know what I mean? He had a thing on his foot. And I'm like, this is my job. This is what I do. I will do it until I can't do it. I'll have my kid.

And then I'm gonna do it again. It's just my job. It's just what I do. But male comics sometimes, their minds get blown if they think like, what are you trying to prove? I'm not trying to prove it. It's like, if you were to go to work and you work at a law firm and people are like,

come on, what are you trying to prove? I'm a lawyer. Come on. It's amazing. We're affected. People question. Today somebody called me and they're like, I'm having a party.

Can you swing by from five to 10? Both of these people are comedians. And they're always crying about nothing happening. And I'm like, who's gonna go to your party from five to 10? It's Tuesday. I'm working tonight. I'm doing a podcast at 2.30.

I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. And that's the other thing. People misinterpret the work ethic. Oh, we need a break up. We don't need no, there's no days on. I don't know what you're talking about. What day's on? What day's on for you talking about?

What society are you talking about? Even these dudes are the filthy fucking rich that you see them. They're fucking, that's why they're rich. Because they work time. Go ahead, go talk to them about a baseball game. Good guy. Good idea.

Go talk to them about going swimming on Sunday or they don't give a fuck. Stay on their own agenda. When their wives come in the room and go, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da. And that's something for the fucking monkey. Get the fuck out of here. I'm gonna make a fucking,

the fuck out of here. Let me get some shot out real quick. Get you the fuck out of here. My main man, Bobby Sharon, this girl, Crystal, I love you guys. They may be Death Squad Nashville and all the other Death Squad affiliates. Kevin Furman, Constantine Reign,

Norlin Soto, Alex J, Ali Musa, your bad motherfucker and my new girl, Bree Ari, down there, new listener. What's up with you, Carl Glicka? How you doing? You still look fucking stoned, please. I'm still a little bit stoned for the last time. How the fuck do you be stoned?

Cause you gave me, what's like what, like two, 300 calories, milligrams of the red one and then we had it, we split a deck of those. And you're still high. Yeah. How can you be stoned? Not very, but I'm still high. He's a cheap date.

Yeah. Well, he gives me so much of those edibles, but no, I'm great. I'm great. I'm having a good day. Let me talk to you about a few things, my love. So. Let's talk.

I love you to death. I mean, I, something about a pregnant woman moving around has always riled me up. I never knew I had something for pregnant women till I moved to Boulder and I was shopping one day and I saw a girl. I saw two feet of fucking snow and I saw a girl with yoga pants on

with whatever the fuck pants on with a belly out there here with cereals. You know, those winter boots were like a hood and she was carrying shit. I looked at her like, holy shit. She is the prettiest fucking woman in the world right now. She only fucking knew how sexy she was with the fucking cereals on with her belly

walking down the street. And I've always admired that. You know, you see these women, oh, I can't move talking shit. That's you in two months. The last four weeks of a fucking nightmare. Oh, the last four weeks. But whenever I see a woman that's, you know,

I used to swim in Boulder. I jumped in the pool and I thought I was doing something to change my mind. I'd see these women, huge. Swimming past me. Swimming past. Fucking doing. What's that shit?

The butterfly. When they do the butterflies and shit. I'm like, what the fuck are these women thinking? It's always done something to me. So when I saw that picture, you carrying the thing, the fucking car seat. Oh yeah. You're really pretty.

You have sunglasses on. You're looking fucking looking sexy as shit. But you had a thing on that you're doing a special. Yeah. On Mother's Day. Mother's Day. May 9th. May 10th.

Sunday. It's fucked up. I'll be very pregnant. My mother's birthday is May 9th and every year I used to get double wanned because I'd have to get a birthday present and Mother's Day. And Mother's Day.

I get fucked up. So I always think Mother's Day should be the night. And you're shooting it where? At the old place where we used to do comedy 10 years ago, right? Did you ever perform at the Coach House? Fuck yeah. Yeah.

The Coach House is. Who used to book that? I don't know. A long, long time ago. I only started doing it maybe four or five years ago. Now guess who? I got that rumor, Rogan. Oh shit.

Maybe four years ago was tremendous. And Rogan was out. I don't remember it. And they used to book it huge when we first lived here. Well, I mean it seats 500. In 98, that was huge. That booked huge. They used to, I remember they used to do four man shows.

And it was like three headliners. I remember going up there one time and I worked with three guys that were killers. I did like 10 and bombed. And there was three guys that were all like, they had HBO specials. I mean, they really booked that rumor. Wednesdays or something.

The Coach House. And they used to have ads for it. In Westward and all those magazines. That's a great place to end. It's a great room. Look, I wanted a place, like I said, that my material will have some resonance, you know? I mean, they, I don't,

I shot my half hour showtime special up here in the Valley. El Portal in North Hollywood. It's a great theater. It's beautiful. It's just down the street. Down the corner. But it's everyone's from LA. Everyone's like, I wrote a screenplay.

I'm not impressed. I mean, they came out to support, but still there's like that feeling of, yeah, I mean, I work in the business too. You know what I mean? Like everyone has seen behind the curtain. So I thought, let me go to a place where it's the closest to being,

you know, not the middle of the country, but just somewhere that people are civilians. Parents, families, they have kids. They're not in showbiz. And so when the coach house offered me the venue, by the way, they're not even gonna charge me. That's how kind they are being to me. So I, you know, I'm so grateful for that

because I'm producing it myself. So I had an investor, get this. I had an investor, the investor pulled out. So now I have to crowdfund because hell or high water, I'm shooting on May 10th. Doesn't matter. I'm already, the ball's rolling. I'm already in production.

So I started doing a crowdfunding and I don't know if you ever done crowdfunding. That's why I got you here so you could talk to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But like, you know, I did Corolla's show and I learned about what he did for his movie. He just rode hard. He just crowdfunded that whole thing.

He raised like millions of dollars. I'd never done it, but I was like, how do you, what do you do? I don't even know what this world consists of because you have to do like little perks and rewards. Have you ever contributed to someone? Yes. Yeah, I do all the time.

People are like, oh, someone, you know, needs funeral services. I always, you know, give money for that always. Or whatever, or we're shooting a movie, or we're shooting this. And so there are perks, but I've always just given like 50 bucks, you know. And that's like, you get some minimal stuff.

But the big perks, what they call rewards, like if you donate 20,000, 30,000, things like that, they said all of those should be very personal, like amazing, something unique. Like you gotta blow people's minds. So I was like, all right, fuck it. I'll let you, this is ridiculous. I'll let you for 25,000.

I'll let you fucking cut the cord to this kid. When this kid comes out, cut the cord, 25 grand. Anybody give me 25 grand? No, but get this, not yet. 20,000, I'll let you choose the middle name. 20,000, I know. It's crazy. So guess what?

Someone called my publicist and goes, all right, we wanna talk business about this middle name. So someone might be donating 20,000 to my special, which thank God, because I mean, I need to pay camera ops. I need to rent equipment and lenses. Like a camera lens costs so much money. I wanna pay people to edit. I don't want favors.

I wanted this as a professional, you know. I want everyone to get paid and it's there. And I have producers and I have a sound guy and everything, you know, so that would be awesome. I don't know if it's gonna happen yet. How much have you gotten so far if you don't mind me asking? I don't mind. I think we've raised about 25%.

It's not enough. What's the total? What's the grand number? The grand is 30,000. And that covers everything. Yes. And that you charge? I don't get paid by the way.

I don't get paid. Just so everyone's clear. That's yes, but that's, you know, techno crane, that's editing, that's getting a permit. You know, we're doing it by the books. We're getting insurance. We are paying people, Workman's comp, everything. We gotta do it by the books.

I don't want to fuck around. Someone falls off a ladder and it's like, my whole career goes down because I didn't want to pay a couple thousand for all that stuff. No one takes into consideration. So yes, we're raising money on Tube Start. I didn't make up the name for the website, but it's a comic who started, he's got his crowd funding

going and it's T-U-B-E like YouTube because he also puts it on YouTube. I'll put the link in the description. Yeah, and if people find it on my Twitter and Facebook, they can link. It's all over my social media. But that's what I'm doing. That's where I'm at right now.

And it's crazy because you have to be the producer and the talent and the craft service. I mean, everything, you know, you've done your own shit. It's like, it's nonstop. It's insane. I wish I could just focus on the set, but I won't be able to. I have to focus on everything else.

And I'm selling tickets too. So your listeners though, if they email, call in whatever, they'll get on my guest list. That's not a problem. So if anyone from your- And this is what destroys me. Okay, this is what really gets me about this town. You paid your dues.

Oh yeah. You've been on girls behaving badly for a while. Tonight show for eight years. Tonight show for eight years. You even did stand up on that tonight show, correct? Well, I have a story about that if you want to know it. Yeah, what happened? They said, we'll put you on a list.

Like, you know, they always say there's a short list. But in the meantime, you can't do Conan because Leno had that beef with Conan. Can't do Letterman, obviously. Really, they said you couldn't do Conan? No, can't do Letterman because of their history. Can't do Kimmel because then Leno and Jimmy Kimmel had a thing.

So they wouldn't let me do any other late night, except for like, I did Carson Daily and things like that, but none of the big five is what I call it. And then they never put me on as a comic. Then on my podcast, I have Jack Cohen, the head writer, who's a great guy, very sweet, very nice guy. Very funny. He's been around for a long time.

Yeah, a long time. I was just standing up coming. He comes on my podcast and he's retired now. Jay's down on the tonight show. He can speak freely. He's like, yeah, they just didn't want to give you those opportunities. It broke me.

It really broke my heart. And he saw me at the ice house. And he said, after I saw you live, he said it really, I felt like a bad person. He goes, I felt like I could have helped this person who was, I was a good soldier. Eight and a half years, I was on the tonight show. I did whatever they told me to do.

I never made a kippish. I never gotten anyone's face. I was always just, I want to be friendly. I want to be nice. I want to do my job. I want to make people laugh. That's all I want to do. But I also want opportunities because that's

why we do stand up to get to that next level. OK, great. Now I got here. What's next on my list? Oh, this is a dream. Now I'm going to check that off. What's next on my list? I've always wanted to do that.

That's only human nature. Do you think that held you back? Because the first place I worked out here, America's 20-some video, is the same editor has edited literally every episode. And no one ever moves up there. Occasionally, someone will get a promotion, but not really. My thing is, when you start somewhere,

you kind of have to leave, because they'll always view you in one way. So do you think it hurt you to do it for that long? Probably. Probably, but they also dangled carrots in front of me. So I thought, well, if I leave, yeah. So yes, it did. But was it a nice, steady gig?

It was fantastic. Money was great. It kept me in Los Angeles. And people started to recognize me. I mean, it was important to do, but at the same time, yeah, they kind of fucked me, and they knew it. What are you gonna do? You live and learn in this town.

Next time, you'll say, fuck you, motherfuckers. I do what I want. I'll send Joey Coco to you. No, and then they'll say, okay, we'll put you on. You learn so many different control levels that they have in this town. And it's not to you telling them to go fuck themselves that they go, oh, we get it now.

You know what, and you're right. And I should have. Sometimes, and not all the time. Not all the time. He doesn't work all the time. But if you know anything about Los Angeles, these people are out. I was a criminal, and I used a gun.

Did you read about Vinnie Favarito last week? Don't get me started on Vinnie Favarito. He borrowed $80,000 or $100,000. I went to Israel with him with Avi Lieberman. Oh, no. So I know Vinnie. He fucking borrowed money from this 80-year-old woman. In all my creepiness, I would never beat an 80-year-old woman.

I was always somebody who I showed up and I go, Kira, you have a kilo in the same. Guess who? It's mine. If you don't give it to me, I'm gonna shoot you. I wasn't really gonna shoot you, but you thought I was gonna fucking shoot you. So I've always been straight up with people.

And that's hurt me in this town. That's hurt me. And this is the only town that, if you say something to me and I pull you aside, like a man, and go, hey, man, I didn't appreciate that. The next time I'll throw you out the fucking window, we're gonna have a problem, they don't go for that. You can't call them.

You can't call on there. I'm the type of guy that I'll claim responsibility. Hey, I can fuck it up the other day, Kira. I'm sorry. Hey, Joey, don't worry about it. These people here don't believe in that. And when you say something to them, they don't. So sometimes you live and learn.

You're in this town a lot. I think it snapped for me when I stopped doing Coke in 2007 that before I became a comic, I was a man, and you have to treat me like a man. I'll treat you like a man. And that the fuck all this comedy, ha ha ha, before anything, I'm a man. Don't you ever fucking forget that

because I'll never forget you're a woman. You know what I'm saying? Like just on the set and stuff, the way people would talk to you. So I had that situation happen where people told you, I remember, there was a group of guys that kept coming to the store for a Stallone movie. I'm talking 10 years ago with Gabriel Byrne,

and these guys like, dog, you're the motherfucker for the first scene. I mean, one guy came, then three guys came, then six guys came, then eight guys came, like, you're the guy, we're gonna shoot in March, we'll get a hold of you. Then March comes and you don't hear nothing. But you get caught up with your life,

and on some one day the movie's getting released, and you're like, what the fuck happened? Eight people came, you know? And I didn't say nothing, I bumped into the guy one night at El Compadre, and he tried to like grab me and go, I'm really sorry, but I just don't understand that. I'm from a different society.

I'll tell you right now, Kara, it's not gonna work for you here. They're looking for names, they're looking for, you know, D. L. Hugh Glees and Joe Rogan's, anything, anything to tell you, instead of saying that to you. You know, this is a town where you go meet with an agent, he tells you he loves you, they're gonna be really interested, and then you can't get an answer out of him,

because nobody can look in the face and say no, because if you become a star years later, they don't even wanna be responsible for that fucking no. They don't want you to come back and go, I'm the type of guy, I just tell you right off the back, this doesn't work like that here, and it affects you, it affected me, I thought I was doing something wrong, I thought I was a bad guy, then I went and I go, what?

I'm the type of guy when I look you in the face and I shake your hand, that's it, you're good, you're good. I'll tell you, if I can't help you, and you'll say, okay, I gotta make my decision, I'll leave. We, I bullshit you Lee, when I tell you I told you Lee, do I bullshit you? No. This is what we're gonna do, this is how much money

we're gonna make, this is what we're doing on the move. I tell people, I rather you know, and you make up your fucking mind, not this town. This town's always a... It feels like they're holding on to it more, like they're getting worse because they see it slipping away, because years ago, if you didn't get on on The Tonight Show,

you wouldn't get the special, but now, you can do your own special. So I feel like now they're holding on a little bit more just because they know in five years that they're gonna be gone. Yeah, but how come she doesn't have a Netflix special? How come she doesn't have an hour on Comedy Central? This is what I'm getting to, that these are the things

that fucking burn, you know, and then some guy go to Montreal with 30 minutes of the Netflix special, meanwhile, you've been busting your ass for 20 fucking years doing this, you know, I never understood that. You know, everything is what works for one person, works, doesn't work for another five years. I saw Marilyn Martinez do the dirtiest material in the fucking world, nothing happened.

I saw Lisa Lampinelli walk into the store one night doing the same fucking thing, talking about black dick and Filipino balls that you could suck them on your lip. They thought she was fucking brilliant. You never know what the fuck had happened, man. I just have a lot of respect for you or you wouldn't be in that fucking chat. I have a lot of respect for women that have balls,

for women that, you know, I just don't wanna hear crying no more, man, I'm 53 years old, this is a comedy game. We all got into it, we all knew what the fucking parameters were for this. So I don't wanna bump into you and for you to tell me that you don't have any success because you didn't suck no dick. I don't wanna hear that shit, I don't wanna hear that shit.

Hard work replaces everything. Hard work, if I came to you in a, here I got a tour, we're gonna go to fucking Mars. Jesus is gonna be at the show. You gotta suck my dick every night after the show and you say go fuck yourself, you fat fuck. I'm gonna keep working here. Wait, wait, wait, wait, how much is it paying?

30, 200 a night plus fucking expenses. But I got a lot of respect for you and just give them the go fund me again so we can help you out with this. I really wish you help key her out with this because I wouldn't have put her on here if she was just some Johnny come lately. She's the real deal, I mean she apprenticed

for Adam Barnhart, which is my motherfucker's motherfucker. I might even go down there on Sunday and see Adam Barnhart. I was just there this past Sunday. Adam Barnhart was very good to me and when he was going through his drug stuff, he was always there for me when I was going through my drug stuff, we used to call each other high as fuck on the phone and promise each other

we're gonna go to rehab together and all this shit. And I'm gonna go see him and say hello, but I wish you, I'm out of town, on the 10th, I'm in Michigan, I wish if not I'd be down there to support you. I get back like that afternoon, by the time I come back, wash my pussy and head to Orange County.

I got the baby and shit's not gonna happen, but I really wish you a lot of success. That's why I had Johnny until that. You're proof that everything's bullshit. You just keep putting your nose to the grind and keep getting prettier and prettier and having babies. Look, the baby's middle name could be Cocoa. Now let me ask you this.

So I'm just saying it to you. I want us to cut the imbibical cord into finger. Let's break that out. I was gonna put 10 grand. You can watch me breastfeed. Oh my God. You just thinking about your finances until you like want to explain the 10 grand?

Go talk to your financial planner. You get back to me. Oh my God, for 12, five, you squirt them. While you're feeding the milk, you go like this, bam. And put that back in the, have you seen how? No, you've seen that. Somebody will do that. I have never done crowdfunding,

but when someone told me you gotta make it personal and you gotta make it interesting, I was like, all right, that's what I have to offer right now. You have anything left over from girls behaving badly, any memorabilia you could sign, anything that's on tonight's show, people like, like Ari gave away grinders and lighters with his picture on it.

And then he hooked up 10 tickets, all that shit, VIP dinner. Oh yeah, like I have all those stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I have all that stuff. I'm talking the big, those are the two big ones. And then all the stuff in between, yeah, for like 500 bucks, for 1,000 bucks, I have all these different levels.

Absolutely have all that stuff. But I had to make it interesting. You're a bad motherfucker. Let me give the sponsors and we'll get the fuck out of here. First and foremost, honet.com for optimum, what is it called? Optimal optimization. Optimal optimization, start without the brain,

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So you got honor.com, you got naturebox.com, you got meondies.com and the leader in martial arts, Iron Dragon TV. That was beautiful. That was poetry. I think it's time for an edible week. We didn't do an edible week. All right, it's over?

Yeah, just to send you. I don't want you to go home and say fucking Joey held that on me today. How could I say that to you? I don't think his eyeballs, I don't think his eyelids have been fully opened the entire time. I don't understand this.

How can you fucking still be stoned? Because you give me enough for like, like, okay, for example, when they were asking about it, you said cut it into fours and you gave me three quarters of it. I didn't give you, I ate three quarters of it. I gave you maybe 30 grills. Oh, only 30?

That's it. I don't want you a little piece. Not really. We can't do a podcast. How dare we? How dare we do a podcast without fucking a little piece of something. Kara, who loves you, baby?

You do. So once you shoot the special, how long do you get it out, you think? Oh, it's not gonna take a long time. I'm editing it right away. What is that, like Jell-O? What is that? That's a gummy bear.

Oh, my lanta. It's gonna be fast. It's gonna be fast. We're gonna get it out there. You gonna sell it online? Yeah, no, Netflix. Netflix and Showtime. We'll definitely buy it.

Yeah. Netflix will take it from you? That's, look, they better not go back on their word. Then we'll have to beat them up and the fuck mother fuck mother. I'll send them here, yeah, your way. Kara, I love you to death. What do you do?

July 30th. Okay, and we're gonna put the crown funding on, so please give what you can't help her out. I mean, a lot of your people don't wanna see her tits, cut the emblem of the court. You just wanna give her 50 bucks, that helps too. We have a big church family and we all help each other. When Izzy Rocks house burnt down,

a lot of people came out. Please do the same for my girl, Kara. She's a real comic and this'll be good for her and you'll be a part of something. Right or wrong? Absolutely. There's nothing like being a part of something. You can go all through your fucking life being dick,

or something, you donate 50 to Kara, and you're part of something. And then one of the rewards must be like a copy of the... For 20 bucks. Yeah, you get a download. It's like you're basically just a pre-order of a comedy special. So they give you 50 bucks to get it down? 20.

The $20 perk, as they call it, is the special for free. Digital download. Well, I hope so. So it's not for nothing. And you're just shooting one shot. One. I did just one for my showtime special and I liked it.

I liked it. I know people do like five, six shows a week at a club, whatever, a club or a venue, one time. You get that adrenaline rush, you're doing it, you're having a good time. Man, that's it. And it fucking works out perfectly. I loved it.

Lee, when you got this, we'll be back on Friday. We'll be back tomorrow too. Yeah, we'll live podcast at the motherfucking ice house. It's a testicle testament slash live fucking podcast tomorrow night. We've never done one of these before. Yeah, that's gonna be fun. So it's gonna be fun.

We're gonna be fucked up. No guest, just old Lee and Joey, old school. Do a nice little 30 minute testicle test and we'll get you out of there earlier, all right? Thank you very much for being a part of this today. Thank you, Kira, for being beautiful and for having the balls of these fucking half a fags in Hollywood.

You got more balls than them. And to my little brother, Lisa, you're acting shit. And RIP, Sissy, my little cat. I'm sorry, man. So we're just done? We're done? We're done. All right, so it's over.

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And go to onit.com and use code word church to get 10% off of all of their optimization products. Alpha Brain, New Mood, Shroom Tech Immune, Shroom Tech Sport. It's code word church to get 10% off. Okay. What do you mean? Wait a minute, just give me a break a second. Two, three, one, two, three, one, a two, a one, two, three.

One, a two, a one, two, three. Hello, it's me. I've thought about it for a long, long time. Maybe I think too much, but something's wrong. There's something here that doesn't last too long. Maybe I shouldn't think of you as mine. Seeing you, or seeing anything as much as I do. I take for granted that you're always there.

I take for granted that you just don't care. You just don't care. Sometimes I can't help seeing all the ways. It's important to me that you know you are free. Cause I never want to make a change for me. Think of me. You know that I'll be with you if I could. I'll come around to see you once in a while.

Or if I ever need a reason to smile. And spend the night if you think I should. It's important to me that you know you are free. Cause I never want to make a change for me. Think of me. You know that I'll be with you if I could. I'll come around to see you once in a while. Or if I ever need a reason to smile.

And spend the night if you think I should. Think of me. Think of me. Think of me. Think of me. Think of me. Think of me. Think of me.

Think of me. Think of me. Think of me. Think of me. Think of me. Think of me. Think of me. Think of me.

Think of me. Think of me. Thank you.