Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #282 - Sebastian Maniscalco, Joey Diaz, and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: May 14, 2015

Sebastian Maniscalco, Comedian and Host of, "The Pete and Sebastian Show" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. 
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Recorded live on 05/12/2015.
 Music:
 My Way Frank Sinatra Whipping Post - The Allman Brothers

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Let's just get this started. Colbert Joey for two free rentals. And now, are you fucking kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me? It's 1.30 in the afternoon, 4.30 in the east coast and we're already blasted motherfucking sanatria my way. Sebastian on his cow post here, the flying Jews here. This is as good as it fucking gets, guys.

This is it, fuck Nirvana, fuck all these motherfuckers. This guy would go up on stage and bitch-slap all of them. You understand me? So get your shit together. It's the church of what's happening now, I promise. Tremendous. And if you haven't watched the documentary,

get your shit together. Stop being a cheap fuck. Get HBO, go. Whatever the fuck it is. Holy shit. Son, now you saw this guy in concert. In 1983 or four, me and my buddies got together. The tickets were either 200 or 250.

We went over to Radio City, I think. And listen, he was old. He was fucking up the lyrics and shit. But it's like Rudy Saenz was 70. He sat across from you. I saw a legend. I saw somebody, you know, I went to school. I grew up in North Bergen, New Jersey.

But North Bergen was like, where the upper class Italians went, that went to Hoboken first. He went to Hoboken first and one day you're like, you know what, I got a job in the union. I'm making 1852 and now I'm moving up to North Bergen. I'm gonna get a nice house. It's like the joke you talk about your dad

with the school district. There was no school district. They just had a nice fucking house. I got a good deal on it. And all these Italians moved up. So growing up, when I first moved to North Bergen, I would hear a lot of Sinatra stories. I used to go to the Ascolese's house.

They dropped tons of Sinatra stories, the Holloway's. They went to high school when that was going on. They would go to the dances, you know what I'm saying? I remember one day, Mike Ascolese asked my friend who was sitting down eating and she's telling a story about one night when her and Vinny first met and they went to the St. Saïgo Hall, you know? And that Sinatra came in.

No, she goes, do you know who came in that night? And one of the guys is eating, he goes, Melly Mel. And she's like, shut the fuck up. You know, Francis Albert walked in, you know, and they were at dances like that. You know, he would go shoot movies, but then he would go back to Hoboken and just go to a high school dance,

take a microphone and sing. Like all those stories. Then you come here and you hear how he stuck up for fucking black people. You know, he went to the restaurant one night and the guy dropped the Mexican bus boy, dropped a glass of glasses, a tray of glasses. And the owner was ridiculing him some fucking Gentile

on Sunset and Sinatra got up and said, listen, man, how much for the fucking glasses? Here's 50 bucks for the glasses. Next time I come here, that motherfucker better be working here. You know, like he stuck up for the little guy, you know? So that's when I grew up listening, you know? So you listen to all these stories and when you're a kid, you put Sinatra on and you're like,

should I shoot myself now or later? You know, you don't get it, you don't get it. But and then when you do get it, he's got 90 fucking albums. He used to just sing about shit, like shoes. I love my shoes. He would, you know what I'm saying? How many cities did he go to?

He loved LA, LA was his lady. New York, New York. I think he sang one about Chicago. You know, he didn't care. Listen, you gotta, you're doing this thing. The people up in Chicago, they appreciate you singing songs. They sing songs like Consoneta by Chicago. I love the fucking pickles on those door.

He didn't give a fuck. If you look at his libretti collection, it was amazing. He's got 90 albums. I'm just exaggerating. Probably not. It's probably close to that. Close. He made an album like every 60 fucking days, you know?

Smoking a cigarette at that little building right there. Do you think it's ever gonna come back that whole vibe, suits, talks is just a class vibe or is it gone? Well, I'm gonna answer what you live with every day. These people are fucking animals. Just cause you can't put a silk hat on a fucking pig. Yeah, but what happened?

Where did it fall off the tracks? I mean, just coming over here now, I'm looking around as I'm driving and, it looks like everybody's irregular and no one's like normal anymore. What happened, Joey? Where are we going with this thing? When we took that flight on that land,

I felt really guilty because I was sitting there high on the Cheeba Chew and Sebastian sitting behind me and I'm thinking to myself, he's looking at me going, Joey's got a fucking t-shirt on. First of all, I bought it at the Fat Man store. It was one of those expensive t-shirts with the little fucking thing over here. That's number one.

Number two, I was telling Lee yesterday, I remember a time when you flew, you had to wear a suit. When I was 10 and I flew, my mother would take me to New York, custom tailing me a suit to fly with. Women look nice. You know, Sebastian, listen, man, I'm not saying nothing bad about you.

I love you like a brother. When you did that whole thing about slippers, it hit home because I don't ever want to see a man's foot. I don't want to see some ladies feet. Some ladies feet, I'll suck them in Jericho. I love them, but the other guy saw a lady with a foot 10 like this with an ankle. And I felt like going to the husband going,

you let her out of the house with those watakas on her fucking feet. You got shoes on. You know, men with those, I see these assholes at the airport with slippers and custom shorts, bottom shorts. And I look at these motherfuckers and I feel bad for them.

You filthy motherfucking, you didn't even wash your ass for breakfast. You just left the house with those filthy feet. And what happens to the plane goes down and we gotta run for it. You're gonna be bad. You're gonna lose the fucking slip. What if you're on the one-on-one

and fucking there's a car that's on the earthquake? You gotta run the one-on-one with a broken fucking slipper like Tarzan. Because you want to be Johnny Cool and leave the house with a fucking slipper on. I wouldn't put a slipper on this fucking dead foot if you paid me. You understand me?

I got those fungi toenails. I didn't want them out. At the airport, I saw a dude that had one of those, you know those eagle beaks? That's what his toe looked like. It went out and underneath, I was trying to charge my phone.

I had to pull the thing. I got sick. I had to walk away with slippers. Put fucking shoes on. I mean, we have broken down. We have become filthy. We have, people think because they have $3, they have class.

I grew up with people that had nothing. Nothing, Irish kids. They had nothing, the O'Neils. But they had class. They had dignity. They had something to them. Even if you had a hand down me to close, you washed them, you spray-painted.

You took that fucking thing from the carpet and you filled them the hole on your T-shirt. But these people wouldn't know. I have five or six suits in the thing that I look at and go, I threw money away. Because if you wear a nice suit in this town, you're overdressed. And you don't know why you even wear it

because these fucking animals dress like, you know, they just look at each other and dress the same. It's nationwide. Nationwide. Nationwide. Nationwide. The color coordination. Have you seen the color coordination?

Even when I'm fucking street clothes, I'm color coordinated. I got the white shoes with the jeans, with the black shirt, it all goes down. I would never wear a brown fucking shirt with jeans. I would never wear colored socks. That's the first thing you learn in a fucking neighborhood. You got sneakers on.

You don't wear colored socks, you fucking jerk off. Because if you step on glass, the ink from the fucking sock goes into your cut, you fucking, you die. You never wear colored socks. That's something this Pepsi fucking Momo generation put together. It's always white socks.

And when you wear shoes, no white, unless you're a fucking Mormon, or you got invited to fucking Hank's barbecue, it's always those party silk socks with the strings on the side, or wear a full cotton, but wear a black sock. The sock has to match the fucking color. If you got brown on, you gotta have tan,

tan fucking socks Sebastian. That's it. This is the wardrobe. If you have a shirt with lines on it, you cannot wear a fucking tie with vertical designs. You become the Twilight Zone. You stupid motherfucker trying to sell insurance, not confuse people.

So if you have a shirt with fucking designs, a tie with designs, the shirt has to be a flat fucking color. You fucking morons. You can't mix lines with fucking designs. So if you have a fellow shirt with lines, the tie has to be a flat fucking color. They don't even know these things.

Their father's never told them. This is like an upbringing thing. I'm sorry. It's all right. It's all right. I'm sorry. Because I look at these animals too, Sebastian. I live in hell too.

I'm trying to think of the line. It's like, it's a flat color tie. Go fuck your mother. Yeah. No, no, no. We live in a nation. Women, I look at some women that are just gorgeous. I look at women that don't have a chance in hell,

but because their toes are done and their heels are fucking manicured. And I don't care if they're fat, but they're clean. You see these women that, they let themselves go with a tattoo of a parrot on your calf. Why am I looking at the disgusting fucking thing? When I see ink on your leg, I think that when you're sleeping,

the ink goes sideways and it goes into your pussy. And it makes it fucking smell weird. I mean, I don't know, but these are the thoughts you get. You like the spaghetti with the ink from the squid. Oh God, how nice is that? There's a place in Santa Monica. I can't find it out here. Here you go.

I got the idea for you. Next time you roll up this weekend, stop this shit. You don't need to go to the store and sell it. Take mama through Friday night and take mom and get in the car two hours to Santa Barbara. Stay at the hotel on the beach in Santa Barbara. We were just there. The last Italian restaurant on this trip,

you go in there, they have a lasagna with a meatball on the top, but they have the spaghetti with the calamari encounter. Really? I gotta go all the way to Santa Barbara? Santa Barbara, but it's worth the home. Because your wife will have the lasagna with the meatball, the wine,

Herbie's fucking happy, tremendous. They have a salad, it's got all and beans, then this is nice. The bread's a little fucked up, but they try. It's not like going to fucking Michelli's where they give you a poppin' fresh dough. I can't do it. I can't do it.

Give me the tab, I can't do it. Maybe next time. Maybe I'll come with somebody that's a gentile that'll appreciate this shit. I can't do it either. All right, Santa Barbara it is then. Santa Barbara, but I told Rogan, and he said there's a place in Santa Monica.

So we gotta ask Joe. Joe says he goes down there once a month on the out. If he's down there, he goes to get the yank down there. So I just don't know, have you ever had that? No, I've never tried it. Oh my God, Cubans make arroz con calamate. So they use, instead of the pasta, they use white rice with the yank.

Oh really? So the yank is like, the rice is like a bluish black. Is it salty? What does it taste like? It just, I can't even describe it. Yeah, what is the taste of it? I can't even, it's a fishy. It's a fishy, salty, but nice.

It's something different, you know? It's really something nice. I've never even seen it on a menu. Listen, you're gonna see that in old Italian neighborhoods in Boston. You're gonna see that in Cleveland, old Italian neighborhoods, those older neighborhoods, Chicago,

you definitely see it on a menu somewhere. You know, there's somebody who does it, some old, older guy, you know, that'll take care of that. I have, like I said, I used to have it in my house growing up. Really? My father, my stepfather, not the spaghetti, you know, right?

He had ink sauce, and you get the squid with the, I don't know, I didn't even ask. You know, I don't even like touching meat. I just got home, my wife was making a hamburger when I was making a protein shake. I love meat, but I don't like touching it. I don't wanna see it in this fucking, I can marinate the shit out of food.

I could cook it, I just, it's not my world. I don't like to see chicken raw. Whenever I see chicken raw, that's it, I'm done. Really? Yeah, chicken cutlets, I like Italian chicken cutlets with the breaded deep fried and olive oil. You fucking save those for the morning. You put some salt and pepper,

a little ketchup in the morning. This fucking guy was so hard to last an hour in the morning. On chicken cutlet though? Breaded, a breaded chicken cutlet, a little ketchup, salt and pepper on a fork, cold, out of the refrigerator. When I was a kid and my mom died, those kids used to bring me three or four chicken cutlets

leftovers and aluminum foil in the morning for breakfast that their parents would make in my school. I never, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Ketchup on the chicken cutlet. Okay, I'm not Italian, so I can't, I'm not gonna say. Oh my God, not Italian chicken cutlet. Not Italian, not an Italian, what you like, Parmesan. No, no, no, not chicken Parmesan.

Yeah, no. Just a regular chicken cutlet breaded. I always get like two, if I go to your house, I'll get two of them. Let's say your mother dips them in flour and then they dip them in the Italian breadcrumbs. Now people think they're fancy with the panko. Take that panko and shove it up your ass.

I want fucking breadcrumbs. What is it, who's the company? Progressive, that's it. I don't want nothing else. You show up with something else you're insulting my fucking intelligent. Two of those, and sometimes they dip them in the fucking flour, delicious.

But you know what, you put a little salt and pepper, a little cream corn, a little mashed potato, cranberry juice on the rocks, a little club soda in that motherfucker. Don't get no better than that. But the second one, put a little ketchup on. Just a little bit and taste it with the ketchup. Don't let the ketchup hit the mashed potatoes.

Then it's a complete different fucking situation. You know what I'm saying? It's great to have you, Sebastian. I'm starving, I'm starving. Oh yeah, yeah, this podcast, by the time I leave here. I need to make, you got eight? Oh no, we'll have to get in the car. It's an hour, 10 minutes to center.

Delicious though. Listen, man, I typed out on Italian food out here. I'm not even Italian, I just got sick and tired. I go to Maserino's for a quick fix for the lunch special. It's not bad for the 10 bucks, but it ends after the spaghetti and meatballs. Like if you get the fraud diablo, you're gonna run out of there.

If you get the lasagna, it's not bad. You know, that's what they spend, it's like every Chinese isn't good here. Like when I go to sushi in Chicago or Steak and Shake, or one of those places by Riddles where it used to be, everything was good. When I go get Chinese here, you know what, the pork fried rice is really good,

but everything else sucks. I gotta go somewhere else for the egg rolls. That's Maserino's. You know, I like spaghetti. I like spaghetti and meat sauce, you know? And a couple of meatballs. The sausage was horrendously bad. Bad, huh?

But the spaghetti and meatballs, they got that down. So for me, with a little toss salad on the side, with blue cheese, a couple of tomatoes, I'm good. They have an escarole for happy hour, nine o'clock. Escarole with bean soup. I'm scared to even get it because I might get depressed, so I don't even try. I used to go to Whole Foods for the pasta fizzle

until I found out what my wife was paying for at every fucking salad. That's ridiculous. 26 bucks for a container pasta fizzle. 26 bucks, I could feed a whole fucking village in Napoli with 26 fucking dollars. It's beans and fucking grass and garlic, you know what I'm saying? I told my wife, we pay how much for that shit?

Never again. You gotta go on YouTube and learn how to make this shit. Everything is on YouTube. Me and my wife really enjoy going out to nice restaurants. That's one of our hobbies. We really enjoy a nice meal. And moats over there on Highland and Melrose, on the corner there, it's Bastionich's place,

Battalion Bastionich, and right next to it, they got a place, Cisbaca, which does great meat plates. And they do a thing, it's like a bread. It's almost like a pizza dough, but the way they make it, it's got a little salt on it, and that's it. And it's in a copper dish that they ship in from Italy. And I've never tasted anything like it. It's almost like a flat bread,

but it's got a salt to it that's out of this world. So I highly recommend that if you want a little date night with the wife. What are your favorite places in this area here that you've got? I know you go out to eat a lot. My favorite restaurant, I think, is, God, there's so many. For sushi, we like Matsuhitsu on La Cienega. That's a big spot for us.

Italian, we like mozza. We like Nobu, for sushi's good. Um, Rettos, a Mexican joint on Melrose Avenue. They got a nice patio. We go out there, get a little seafood, some wine. Me and my wife are really into wine, too. We got married up in Napa, so we have a big, big palette for wine,

because her parents are totally into wine. So yeah, that's all we're doing is eating and drinking. Breakfast, do you eat at the house? I make breakfast. Egg wine, she should do the whole thing. And the little breakfast, there's a place I go in Wilshire Boulevard in Hauser called Black Dog Coffee. Yeah, a lot of people go there, yeah, yeah.

Get a little scramble, some turkey sausage and spinach. And you have a nice little cup of coffee. You read the paper. I still read the paper, by the way. I don't know if anybody else is doing that. I love reading the paper. I feel like I'm 78 years old, half at a time. Reading a newspaper, I'm actually sitting down

and eating breakfast. Does anybody do this stuff anymore? Yeah, yeah, people love this shit. They just don't read the paper. What's lunch at your house? I go out, I'm a Chipotle guy for lunch. Really? I'm a creature of habit.

Once I find a place, I just keep going back and back and back and I don't, and I don't know, on the road, do you try different places or what do you do? If it's not walking distance, I'm not getting in the car and driving. So you're a guy just, you lock yourself in the room and you don't come out until the show?

Half and half, half and half. I go to the gym, I like to walk around the area where I'm at, but I don't wanna get in no cars, Sebastian. No car? No cars, I just don't wanna get into the, you know. I like it, I rent the car and I just go around to see what they got. I can't stay in the hotel.

I've done, I'm like you, I've done comedy for 20 years and that went out as a feature act. And when I was a feature act, I went to museums, I went to ball games, I did all that shit in a day time because the show didn't count on me. Didn't count on me, count on somebody else. All I had to do was 25 minutes, I could drink. Now that people paying for tickets,

I really can't deter that. I can't go to dinner with Sebastian and get all warmed up, I got two shows and now I'm tired because I was with Sebastian. And so I try to maintain my energy, I got it. Like Saturdays, I like to be on the first flight out Sunday. So that means Saturdays, I take it easy, I take a nap, I go for breakfast, I go for a nice breakfast or walk,

I take a nap, I smoke some dope, I get up, I go to the gym, I come back, I write somewhere, I go somewhere, coffee shop, I write and then I go do the show. But as far as fucking no, no, I love doing jujitsu and that's the first thing, when I find out the hotel, I see what's close by. If I gotta get in the car, I'm very done with cars.

Like I don't wanna be involved because it's never just a straight shot. I don't know where the fuck I am, I don't know where I am. So now I gotta play at 30 feet, make a right turn. If I don't make the right, I end up in Chattanooga. You follow me, I'm retarded, I know me, I know Uncle Joey, I like going to places where it's very easy, I like Columbus

because I got a couple of restaurants right there walking distance. I like anywhere, like I don't go to clubs where there's no civilization. Like I'm too old, I've been doing this for too long, I need something, bro, I need something. You know, now at the places they have and it breaks my heart that I go to a place,

like a commercial place, like this weekend and what I fucking go in. Grand Rapids. In Grand Rapids, I went to the steak place and it was men's amorte, it wasn't even, the salad was great, the steak was, you know, but it's one of those places like a Ruth Chris, it wasn't Ruth Chris though, it was the other one.

I used to love going to places, like when I go to Minneapolis, it's a spot, that's a Cuban joint that the lady only opens up for breakfast and lunch. I go there, but if it's something I can get here, I'm not doing that. I don't go to Houston to eat a cheeseburger, Jack. I go to Houston to tear up that motherfucking Papadose

and tear up that, you follow me, I wanna get some Alligator, I wanna get some barbecue, I'm not waiting on line for an hour for four hours in Austin, it don't mean that much to me. I don't wanna send somebody to wait on line, I'm not a Puerto Rican, I'll go soon, because bad barbecue in Texas is better than good barbecue in America.

I'm confused here in Los Angeles, this is supposed to be a mecca of food and I gotta pay an arm and a leg to get good fucking food, that's not right. I'm used to places like Chicago that I could go to a fucking neighborhood, I don't mind driving to a neighborhood, I could still pay four dollars for a meatball sack.

A meatball sandwich and some fat lady with fat under her arms is making it for me. That's not out here at all, man, it's not out here. No, and this is what breaks my heart, this is the problem. Lately I've lost some weight because it's not the diet, it's that I'm to the point where I tell him, if I'm gonna go eat pizza for red pizza, I'll pass. I'll pass, the best pizza I know right now

is Stofas French bread, crisp that motherfucker up and dope it up, that's it, that's it. You know what I'm saying? I'm not gonna go waste my time, there's a place on Ventura, Chinese, New York style. The egg roll is always bursting at the side. I go up there, I gotta eat fucking, French style filet mignon, delicious.

Go up to the Green Apple before you go home, get the French style filet mignon with the white rice Sebastian, your asshole will blow up. But that's not Chinese food. When I used to get off the plane and not the main airport in Chicago, but the other midway, 10 minutes to midway, there's 20 places that I don't drop 20 with you.

Me and you could eat, all right, maybe we'll drop 25 and we'll go home fucking stuffed. That's what I'm used to, I wanna see that in America again. You know, that's what I wanna see again. You know, I like diver's drives and sometimes they show you a restaurant, that I'll do. But to go get it, you know, I love like when I work the house of comedy in the hotel there,

they got a fucking great stew and they got a great, I don't mind that, but Sebastian, I don't wanna drive all over in a town that I don't know. Listen, I don't blame you, you don't wanna get lost, you don't wanna take the ride. Oh my God. But to me, it's a little adventure. Adventure, yeah, yeah, yeah, R-E too, R-E takes the shirt off,

walks around with no shirt on, who does that? Who does this? Yeah, I'm not taking my shirt off, but yeah, I don't know, to me, I gotta get out, man. I gotta get out and about, I gotta feel the city a little bit. I gotta feel the sun, I like feeling the sun, I'm a big sun guy, I love, yeah, I'm Cuban. It's in my fucking blood, I come from an island.

Have you been there? When I was born. Oh, you were born there? Yeah, three years, I left when I was three, man. Wow. And all I remember is Sebastian as a fucking ocean. It's the saddest thing, I just remember looking at an ocean. I remember different things,

but I can't verify them in my head, but I do remember that ocean and that smell. You know, my mom was very influenced by Italian people in Cuba, you know, in Cuba, the pizza standard came with lobster tail. Why do people don't know that? Why do people don't know that? See, they forget.

You gotta get those old Cubans that had businesses, and you know, because the people from Chicago that went to Cuba, they wanted the chef from Maserino's in the South side. So Capone would fly that motherfucker down there. You know, the guys, see, the problem I have with mozza and stuff like that, I'm an old man. Guess what?

Your three cheese arrabbiata, well, I love arrabbiata, but I'm saying that dish they always invent on penny. When I see that for $42, it just snaps my neck. Yeah, no, it's ridiculous. Because I want, I just want a nice. I just want a plate, just want a plate of pasta. A pasta with sauce, two meatballs, a nice sausage, maybe a cheese platter, a glass of red wine.

Dog, you can't beat that, and you don't get fat on that shit. Yeah, if you sit there with the fucking bread, and then that's again, listen, there's nothing better than dipping that bread in the sauce. You know, there's nothing better than breaking that bread, fuck gluten, fuck your mother, fuck the gluten, swells me up, that's good. I'll take the swelling, those people in Chicago,

they do great in the winter, over here you're freezing 60 degrees, rather well. They're freezing at 60 degrees, it's cold, cold. Those people in Chicago, they think it warms them up, the fucking gluten, that pasta, that's what, that pasta fizzle, you know, in the winter, what do Italians make, poor Italians, it's beans and fucking, it's peasant food.

It's peasant food, you know? I grew up with these people that, they were such Italians, like they even made like, peas and potatoes, like I'm with pasta, that, that's too primitive for me. Those are cave Italians, those are corn meal Italians, cave Italians, fucking peas and spaghetti and potatoes on pasta,

which isn't bad, the potatoes and the peas on pasta isn't fucking bad. Sebastian and I, I went back to the comedy store last August, man, and I really liked being there. And I gotta tell you something, before we start the conversation, I don't like anybody, Sebastian. I know you've known this for years,

I know you have your issues also. You're a friendly guy, though. You're one of the first guys at the comedy store that, as a young comedian coming into Los Angeles, is one of the first guys I talked to. You seem very approachable, very. There's a reason to that, there's a reason to that. I have a certain soft spot for Italians

and you look like one of my dearest goombas, that would take a bullet, like they don't have that. So as soon as I associated you, I associated you with this kid that, he was so good looking, we put him out of his bait and then we'd mug the fags. That's how much I loved him. That's how much I loved him.

Was he like the kid of the team of police or something? Oh my God, it was tremendous. I love them, I don't want to say his name, he's in business now, but he showed me a lot of love when I needed it as a child. He'd bring me into his house and his mother, his father always made chili. Like there's some people, that's a dish I love,

like a good chili with rice and onions, raw onions. And he would tell them like that, Coco really loves your chili, so every time the guy, the guy would be driving a police car and he'd see me go, Coco, come over next Wednesday, I'm making my chili here and he'd just take off. That's he, I like, he was always good to me.

His sister was always good to me. I hung out with his cousins. They had two batches of cousins, very interesting family because the one side were cops and the other side were gangsters. So they didn't talk, it fucking tremendous. But the kids talked, they were all mad because the chief of police's sister

was married to the mafia, but they were all cousins. I went to school with three of the batches. That's crazy. He was my friend, so when I saw you, you were very quiet like he was. He was good looking, quiet, but his Italian genes, he was always thinking. He might be looking like, you're looking like Sebastian,

people say, look at Sebastian, he's over there in the corner like a mook standing. But Sebastian's over there thinking how he's gonna take over the fucking world, you fucking jerk off. While you're over here talking about that joke you wrote in Memphis last week, oh my God. It was tremendous. Sebastian's over there looking at you thinking,

this fucking pork chop, you know, and that was Gerard. Gerard was always, so I understood you from day one, the cologne, you were very hard worker. I could see that they were pulling you in one direction and you were dabbling that direction with those fucking, with the Wonder Bread Italians. They would take you, but you were two of your genes

were pulling you, you didn't want no part of it. And I always had the utmost respect for you. And over the years, Ari would always tell me, fucking Sebastian killing it. And I would go, Ari, it doesn't surprise me when everybody else was yakking. He was in the back taking notes. Those are the scariest people, not guys like me

that talk, the guys that sit and watch and smile at you. That's old Italian shit, fuck you, fuck you, your mother. And then like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, smiling. And then later on you wake up in the middle of the night to get water and you got a knife in your fucking neck. And the guy standing there playing the fucking ukulele singing your Italian songs and shit, that's the mentality.

Well, this is a typical Italian that has a characteristic of being a loud guy, being a talker. But for myself, I was always very shy, very kind of laid back. I didn't like being, I didn't monopolize a conversation. I just kind of sat and listened and nodded. And I don't know, I just, I thought you'd never learned anything by talking.

Always. So I just kept silent. And when I went to the comedy store, I didn't know how to blend in or what. It just feels like, you know, you feel like a new kid in school, especially when you come out, well, say I just 1998, I know nobody.

Now, where'd you come from? I came from Chicago. I was born and raised in Chicago. How many stand-ups did you do in Chicago? I did. You never did stand- I did once in college. I opened up for the national comedian

that was coming to the school at a contest. Who was it? God, I forget his name. He'll come to me as we talk. But funny story, he ended up featuring for me three years ago when I went to Cleveland. And I didn't tell him that I was the guy who opened up for him 18 years or 15 years prior.

But it was just a funny, funny how the world works. But anyway, I opened up for him. It's a primarily black audience at the college. And I'm dying, sweating up there. And I'm dying. I'm the joke's ain't hitting. And I started hearing, Sandman, Sandman, what the hell is Sandman?

Well, later on, I find out it's what they scream at the Apollo when you stink. So that was my first introduction in the stand-up comedy. And after that, I didn't do it for three years until I moved out to Los Angeles. So I started here from Chicago in 1998. And I took Sandy Shore Sandbox class, which not knowing anything about comedy,

I start looking in the trade papers. I go, oh, Sandy Shore, who is the daughter of Mitzi Shore, has a class at the comedy store. So light bulb goes off, I'll take the class. And if the daughter likes me, she'll tell the mother, I'm in. So the first day, we're in the class and she says, me and my mother, we don't really get along. And I'm thinking, there goes $450.

There goes my plan. But I mean, say what you want about stand-up comedy class. I know it's got like a negative connotation for some people. It helped me for the six months that I was in it, just kind of be comfortable going up on stage in front of a group of people who are doing the same thing. So, and then after that, I came into the comedy store about a year and a half later, I got passed.

And that's where I kind of got introduced to you. And like I said, you were very friendly open. Hey, what's going on? We would bullshit in the parking lot. And then you vanished for what? 2007. 2007, gone. Didn't see you at a...

47 years. Did you leave because why? Or what happened? There was reasons. There was, I didn't like the direction it was going. That was number one. And I felt like I had overstayed my welcome. If you were to start at Zany's in Chicago,

you start as an MC. And after about three, three and a half years, you'd feature. And then after five or six years, you'd get really good Sebastian, but you'd have all the local references down. So, a night that they come in to see Joe Rogan, you open up for him. And the next thing you know, you're rocking

in front of Joe Rogan. It's taking Joe Rogan eight minutes to get it together. Well, you gotta make a move. So now what's his name? Bert comes up to you and he goes, Sebastian, get a great set. What I'm gonna do is headline you on the holidays. So now you buy another year in Chicago.

So you headline Christmas, you headline Thanksgiving, you headline the fourth of July. After that, there's nowhere for you to go, Sebastian. So that's six, seven year mark. I just wasn't going nowhere. That was one part of it. The other part of it was the whole Tommy thing with Rogan and the whole thing.

I just, because Rogan got thrown out of there way before he got thrown out of there. They went on that tour and that's when the whole plot was getting assembled and they would come to me and they go, when your boy came back, he's not gonna do 40 minutes. Like, what are you telling me for? Go tell him.

It was like, I saw the whole thing evolve. Then I got a call from Tommy about Capurulo and fucking Carlos and then the commercial, the Super Bowl commercial came with Carlos. Third commercial on the Super Bowl. First commercial break of the Super Bowl. Third commercial is Carlos when you see it. I'm watching this going.

This is not good. Every comic in LA right now, their heads blowing up and sure enough, two weeks later, Carlos gets into the beef with Joe Rogan. It was just, it was a power cake. But that commercial, that thing fucking set it off. I just thought that I was overstaying my welcome. I wasn't seeing myself go anywhere.

I got off the blow. I was trying to just find my way and that's what happened. I just didn't wanna, I just saw the dark side of it. It was just getting too out of control and it had done what it had to do. I had overstayed my welcome. So now you return, right?

Now, do you feel at home there? Is it something where you're like? Yes, absolutely. When I see guys like you, it makes me very happy. When I see, you know, I go down and I see Ari or I see Duncan. I still get, even Kurt Fox has changed a lot. It's great to see him.

I feel I'm too old. I feel like when we started and those guys would be up and they'd be creepy. They'd be up there just eyeballing you. And you get there and they come up to you and they go, what time is your spot? 12, 45. I don't have a spot.

And I don't wanna be that kind of situation. So I go down there. I don't wanna be talking to girls and sitting in the back and talking about my days there when we did blow with chewy. That's not for me. So tonight I have a 10, 45 spot. I'll get there at 10, 25.

I wanna see you, what was in front of me and what was behind me and I get out of there. I'm not, I don't drink. I don't do anything there. I don't even smoke pot there. You know, it's a different thing for me. I feel like one of those creepy guys. Remember the guys that used to hang out there at night?

Well, you'd never be that guy. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. But the day I don't get spots, there's a day I'm not gonna sit there and ask Sebastian, what time is your spot? 12, 10. I wish I was getting spots, man. I used to get six spots a week.

No, no, no. I sold it to a home, play with the kid. So no, I feel tremendous there. It's up my game. It's really up my game. It's amazing, you think you're a headliner. And like I tell people at the time, it don't count me for 24 years.

I've been headlining for maybe eight of those and I just became a headliner maybe three years ago. You're a headliner. You're in the top of your game right now. You work hard, you've worked hard. You're one of the guys that blew me away at the comments. Like I would come home and wake my wife up and go, I gotta tell you this Sebastian joke.

And I would fuck it up, hack it up to death, but we would die a laughter. And when your special came on and we watched it, we went on Netflix and got the other one. And I've said it here time and time again that I think you're in the top three stand-ups working today. You're a story, you're deliverance, you're anger. And I would hear different bits,

but I would try to bump into you to give you a hug and I would never bump into you. And then my friend from Florida hit me up, Roseanne Di Agostino asked me to find you. Now who did she come with when they go? A bunch of fat chicks from my hometown? Pasia and all those fat chicks? I've never seen her with a large group of people.

It's been, I think I saw them twice at the show if we're talking about the same people. Right, Roseanne, real cute girl, Hawaiian looking Italian girl. And she was with a guy, I think. Skinny Italian guy, right? The guy knows you too. Does he? There's another guy that always comes to my shows

that ain't no joke. In South Florida. Yeah, if you go to South Florida, you're gonna, all my high school, the Cubans and Italians, when they got out of high school, they all go to South Florida. So when you do, like today, I called Jimmy Vellano.

I spoke to him, I told him you were on the show, he's ecstatic. This is kids I grew up with. Well, this is Fort Lauderdale. Fort Lauderdale, yeah. Okay, this is your crew that come to the show. And yeah, I think this guy went to high school with you. All of them, all of them.

The girl, Roseanne, shed a locker with me. I'll tell you how skinny I was. I used to put on her gym shorts. Wow. My sophomore year, she needed, it was me and her and this girl named Donna Donnaruba. And Donna Donnaruba was dating a football player and they stole a car one night

and the cops just something and they crashed the fucking car and they died. So I became tied to a Roseanne di Agostino. But I hung out with her crazy brother. We used to take acid and get a ghetto bus and get on the bus from New York to Seaside Heights and play highway to hell. And the bus driver would pull over and say,

please, please lower that. So I was tight with her. So she hit me up one day and she goes, hey, I'm thinking about coming to your show. So I was fucking around. I go, listen, because I know they're all born again Christians. Oh, are they? Yeah, they're on the Christian side.

What happened was Roseanne, this other girl, Tasia, that was a hot piece of ass when I was growing up. Hot piece of ass. She started dating some wise guy and going to Atlantic City and one night they got drunk and killed a couple. But he went to jail. And these stories, I'm sitting here listening to you.

Can you believe this shit? I didn't even grow up remotely close to any of the stories that you tell. It's amazing. Acid and the thing, someone getting murdered. Most people don't. You have no fucking idea, dog. Did you go to high school in Florida?

I went to high school in Northern New Jersey in a town called North Bergen, New Jersey. You know what bananas is? Yeah, the other way. I'm towards the Lincoln Town. Okay, so next to Hoboken. Where did Florida come in? Oh, everybody from my hometown in North Bergen

regroups and goes to Florida. That's the big thing. All those Italians and all those Cubans, they grew up together. So on Roseanne's block alone, on Roseanne's cul-de-sac where she lives, it's Roseanne, that girl Tasia that was married to the wise guy and then they killed the couple.

She got probation and was pregnant. She had a kid, the guy hasn't seen the kid. He's in prison. He came out Frankie and Vella. And then there's trick-tritches that I used to fuck around with, this little fat fuck. They all live on the same block. Their kids go to school together.

Their kids hang out together, bro. It's an amazing story. I got them all the way down. I got the Luchis. I got thousands of Italians that I grew up with. The Catamatris. I got, they were all down there. And then I got a whole bunch of Cuban kids.

I got a bunch of people down there that have contacted me and said, Sebastian's coming to town. We're gonna go down there and say hello. And I go, yeah, go down there and say hello. The guys from American Top Team play your fucking CD. One of the guys, cause they came to see Rogan, American Top Teams and MMA team in South Florida. They come to your shows.

They just embarrass the sale. Why you embarrass the sale? Are you people bit slap people? Cause when I went down there with Rogan, they said, Sebastian's coming in two weeks. We can't wait. Oh, that's what's nice to know. So we cross, yeah, we cross sell.

A lot of people, I went to school with the fans of yours. One kid that's a long shaman called me about a year ago and he asked me a bunch of creepy questions about you. And I go, why? And he goes, my wife and him were watching him. Joey was like, he's one of us. That's what I, because you could fit right into our fucking name, but except the murders and the acid.

Well, it's an immigrant. What people are relating to, I think, is an immigrant upbringing and just the way we grew up. You know, you started the show with how people dress. That comes from somewhere. That comes from parenting. That comes from, right? No, that comes from someone telling you what to do

and what not to do. You're right. You're looking for his pretzels. I'm looking for my chocolate bonbons. You guys were talking earlier about like, if you think it's going to come back and it has started coming back, but the issue is it's like hipsters.

Like a lot of people are having like small restaurants now and like they're dressing up in suits, but they're like hipsters. So I don't know if, like if you want them to be doing, but those are the people that are doing it. I want you to do it from the heart. You can tell. Yeah, you can tell.

I can tell when a guy is manufactured and when a guy leaves the house. When a guy is manufactured, guys like me get upset. I ain't got no problem to get a piece of pussy, but don't get manufactured. If it takes you 10 minutes to put that baseball hat on, you're manufactured. Yeah.

If I want me, it looks fake. If the shirt has to be a certain way so they see the tattoo. Yeah. It doesn't bother me, but you're selling. That's it. We have nothing to talk about. It's too planned.

It's gotta be natural. It's gotta be natural. It's amazing how much work it must be. Like I was at the store the other day and this dude had like pressed on fake fingernails. He had like a whole setup and I was just like, you've just missed spend all your day like just planning it.

And all you need to do is eat a piece of salmon and fucking dip some weights in your back. That's it. A little fucking spaghetti, a little meat sauce, you're back. You don't need all that dress up. Same fucking Halloween. I dress like a union electrician for a reason. I love it.

I love my little union electrician attire. This is it. You don't know where I'm coming from. I could be a cop. I could be an electrician. Yeah. So I think that's what it is. It's a familiarity with Upring.

Cuban, Italian, Spanish, Greek. It's all the same thing really. I'm in the process of writing a book. I'm sorry. I hate my brother. I was just gonna say, do you still do the aren't you embarrassed thing on Instagram?

That's the best. I was just watching forever because you would think they would be, but they're just not. They're just totally unaware. That started as a young kid where I just would walk around and in my head going, gee, how'd you embarrass?

I mean, like anything you look at, just their behavior or whatever. And then I didn't know what my role in social media was when it first came out. I looked at it and go, what am I gonna do with this? Twitter. I'm not a guy that does funny little quips

and whatnot on Twitter. Yeah. The president's getting shot. I don't like that shit either. And I'm like, what am I gonna do? How am I gonna populate the internet with something that's kind of close to me, my point of view?

And anyway, I just started walking around and then when the iPhone started becoming popular with the video and this and that, I would video somebody, whatever, clipping their toenails at the airport or whatnot and go, eh, I feel embarrassed. And just share it online. And now people are kind of sharing

their own aren't you embarrassed moments and whatnot. So it's like, I'm like the social police, the behavior police, where it's in a world you do whatever the hell you want, no consequences. If I'm around, I'm gonna shame you into acting properly. So has anybody ever caught you taking a picture of them? No, I'm very discreet with it, but you know, and another thing,

this is all in good fun by the way. I mean, I'm not saying that I don't do any embarrassing things. I write a scooter for Christ's sake. So yeah, I'm embarrassed every once in a while myself, but the people like I post something that they brought a dog to the graduation and they dressed the dog up and then you get people, well, he's probably a service animal and it's a shit.

It's comedy. This ain't serious. You know, the dog's dressed up in a graduation outfit. Do people- Surface dog or not? It's funny, no? Do people accuse you of bullying? Like that's- Yeah, yeah, you get a bullying type. But it's not bullying,

it's just pointing out the absurdities in life and making light of it. That's all it is. And the aren't you embarrassed hashtag is just a brand that I've created where, you know, if you see something, you think, oh, Sebastian would probably not like that type of behavior, right? That's all, it's all it is.

Clipping your toenails somewhere in public. Well, the toenails, listen, I don't know about you, but I see it a lot. I see it more than I should. People whipping out a toenail clipper and clipping their nails. I've heard it on the plane. I've been on the plane and I go, what?

Somebody cli- And then sure enough, you turn around, that guy's clipping his nails. Now, I've never brought a clipper out. I've never had that readily available. That's a conscious choice you gotta make to say, you know what, if I get a chance, I'm gonna clip my nails in public today.

And sure enough, people are doing it. I don't know, there's just a, like you say, there's a set of rules you get growing up as a kid from your parents of how to behave. And I'm looking around and a lot of people just, they don't have a rule book. They have no common sense. No common sense.

When you fly, you really see how dumb society is. I'm not saying I'm a five beta cap. I've made a thousand mistakes. But when you fly, you see the stability. You see the Gentiles, the whiteest people in the world. What is that? I mean, you're fucking white, dummy. That fucking Chinese lady over there knows where she's going.

And you're walking around using logic. There's no logic. Follow the fucking arrows. This is a door. You can't stop at the door and go, wow, look at this airport. Cause I got fucking the troops coming behind me. Get the fuck out of the way.

There's just so many things. People that bring food on the planes. And you know, people, I see anybody, my big thing is leaving the house without a shower. I could tell when you leave the house without a shower. You're gonna get under my crock and core. I don't care how busy you are in the morning, there's seven minutes.

I could take a shower in seven minutes, guys. I put the hot water on, I'm putting the hot water on, I brush my teeth. Once the shower, I don't give a fuck about a drought. Okay? That shower better be hot when I go in and fuck you in your fucking drought and your fucking tomatoes.

You should have thought of that when you built fucking water world. I go in the shower, I put the fucking shampoo in my head. Why the shampoo in my head is melting the gel. I'm another particles come out of my fat fucking body. I take the loofa and I put the iris spring fucking soap or the other one my wife gets the blue shit and I scrub myself down, okay?

I get the ball sack, I pick up my feet, I hit my feet just in case you pick up particles. Then I take a special loofa and I take that one, I rip my asshole and I take all the fucking butterflies and whatever's around the edge of your ass because that's, you know what I'm saying? So you got a separate asshole, a loofa? Loofa, absolutely.

That just touches the asshole. That's it. That's it. Why would I infect the rest of the fucking loofas? Is it like a special shape? Yeah, I'm gonna make a special, I cut it. I took a loofa that was fucked up and I cut it and I stapled the handle from the other loofa

and it's small and stint and I put my fingers right into it and I scrubbed my asshole so there's no stink. You know what I mean? Sometimes I come out of the shower and I scrubbed my asshole and I still got that whine to it. I don't wanna live like that. I want my asshole to be fresh. And I'm not even making a joke here.

This is the truth. I have a special loofa for my asshole and for my nuts that combination under here. I don't want that touching my feet or my face. That, you know, what comes out of your ass? You're eating that meat. God knows what they put in it and then the residue from the, you know.

Yeah, yeah, you need to clean that. So wait, you'll eat an ass but you won't wash your body with the same loofa that was like. Eat an ass dog. I'm like a cat, okay? I got to clean his mouth around. I can suck 20 pussies with fucking VD in them

and fucking crack hoe pussy. And the next day I'm breathing on you and it smells like listerine. That's what we got. We're like dogs. Our mouths are tremendous. We don't lick ourselves because we're stupid. Nobody fucking did that test yet.

If we look, you ever cut yourself like a, you ever cut yourself and you have a dog lick your wounds? You ever see St. Lazarus? St. Lazarus had leprosy and the dogs were licking his fucking wounds because they could take care of the leprosy. That's why in Cuba you can't touch a dog because of St. Lazarus. You know, we're very, you know.

We can throw the malook on you too. I don't fuck around. I'll put a malook on you motherfucker. You'll be walking with a limp in seven days, bitch. I just don't like putting it out there because then sometimes it backfires. And then I step on a piece of glass and I'm fucked up, you know what I'm saying?

Maybe the guy's got his own malook. All right. Is there a defense mechanism for the maloquio in Cuba? Like, for example, Italians, they have a horn that they wear around their neck. What's the horn called? The Coronato? Yeah.

Coronado, Coronado. It's with a C. I think it's called Coronato. OK. And then they have this thing, this little key chain almost with the fingers that they put in the pocket. And then they have a horseshoe that they turn upside down over the door.

And that's supposed to keep all the maloico away. Is there anything in the Cuban culture that? We go deeper with the Sicilians. The Sicilians are the ones that get creepy on you. They're the ones that. Well, I'm half Sicilian. Right. So they're the ones that when you cook a fish, they take the eye.

The eye of that Sicilian culture is very, very illogical. That's the fucking whole thing, the eye. So they put a maloic back on you. They put a maloic back on you with the eye of the fish. They put like garlic in there and some tomatoes and some peppers and you're done. They put the, Mr. Barone used to have stories that he hated the Yankees so much growing up

that him and his father would sit with the horns. And every time Reggie Jackson, he would tell his stories. He goes, every time Reggie Jackson would slide, we put the maloic on him to break an ankle. Break an ankle, you fucking never work. Fucking hilarious. Well, the Jews, they spit. Don't they, don't they do like a spitting?

Are you Jewish? Yeah. Look at these, my brother-in-law is Israeli. OK. And if they say anything like good, they don't want to like curse it so they'll spit after them. I don't know that one. I don't doubt it, especially over there,

there's a lot of like superstitions and stuff like that. My mother would spit on herself whenever somebody said cancer. So if somebody was in a conversation, they go cancer. My mother would go, don't say that. And she'd spit on herself and keep walking, whining. Jesus Christ. It was very interesting to me when I moved to North Bergen. I thought that I really knew people.

When I moved to North Bergen, I had a Sicilian family. I was very friends with it. They were blonde-haired and blue eyes. They were from the bottom. Mr. Barone used to goof on them. What type of Sicilians are you? A blonde-haired and blue-eyed. Were you from the bottom of the shoe?

What happened to you people? One of the kids I grew up with died. But their parents, their mother's still alive. Everybody's croaked. The son, the only son alive is the daughter. You know how I got in contact with them? I was doing likeus. The daughter was out here going to law school.

And she heard it and she called me on likeus and we reconnected. And I learned a lot from her family. And they would tell me stories about Sicilians just like you. But it's an island, bro. But the fame story they told me was like in 16 something when the Moors were raping the women. That's why Sicilians don't like rape. It's in their DNA.

Like their whole thing does not like the word. They don't like it. And they called it the night of the Vespers, 14-something. It was a long time ago when the Moors were in Sicily. And they got up and they cut their dicks and put them in their fucking mouths. That's a true story. We peed at it.

And they would tell me those, you know, later on, years later, I found him and was like, oh my god, I remember them telling me about this. When I was a kid, I worked for the Severinos. And they used to build sidewalks and shit. No mafia. They were just straight up an Italian family. The guy was 60 when I knew him.

He's still 60. He's one of those Italian. But he had the best diet. I have a soul in my life. He would have the Tupperware even then in the 70s. And he'd have like a suitcase with like six or seven Tupperwares. And for breakfast he'd come. He'd work a little bit.

And he'd open up and he'd have like one egg with one piece of toast and butter and one piece of bacon, like a tomato. He would eat the tomato. Then at 10, he had like a little piece of lasagna. Then at lunch time, he had wine with like a piece of cheese, you know, and then. Sounds so simple. It's simple.

And then at two, he'd eat an apple. And then at four, he'd have another little piece of cheese and his wife would pour wine into a thing and put Saram wrap over it so it wouldn't leak if it were tipped over. And he would drink the wine at four o'clock with one ice cube in it that he got from whoever else he was working at. His diet was so, and when I go home now,

I haven't seen him in like 10 years, they could be dead. But the last time I saw him, he looked exactly the same. I never forgot that diet. Now, like lately I've been doing it, just eating smaller meals more. Like sometimes you just take two pieces of lasagna. That's good enough. That's it.

If you got good fucking lasagna, you take three bites of it. That's all you need. You're fucking good. You're good to go on the run. What's up, Lee? Nothing, just high as fuck now, aren't you? How do you guys know each other?

We met online. Is that right? We met online and started the podcast about four years ago. We did the documentary together. What do you mean, met online? We were dating. Matt's done it. Jews meet online and shit.

No, he hit me up on Facebook and asked me if I needed any help. And at the time, I was taking a quit in Sebastian. In 2007, 2008, I was like, that's what I'm gonna do. I'm not gonna go on the run no more. I'm just gonna do spots around town. I'll do a movie, TV shows. I get a job selling cars right there on Lancashire.

You were gonna get out of the business? I was gonna stop touring. Like I wasn't gonna do comedy no more. Like I didn't wanna work Sunday through Sunday. I did all that for years. I did that. I'm done. They wanna give you 1500 bucks

and get your own plane ticket. I was like, I'm not doing that. I'm not doing that at all. And then all of a sudden, I started doing a podcast with Felicia and then in the process, I met Lee. And we started doing stupid videos and we did a documentary about my hometown.

And then we started doing this podcast and we're up to about 300 episodes, right? Yeah, with live podcasts for over 300. Yeah, so that's amazing. This podcast, how they've just taken off. Everybody's got, how do you feel about everybody having a podcast? Is this something that?

It doesn't bother me at all. Everybody has a voice. There's a spot for everybody. There's a spot for everybody. You have to work a little harder. You have to do good at what you do and you have to get good guests and your outlook and you just keep believing

and you get up every morning and you do it. I couldn't imagine not having one now. I couldn't imagine not having one. I'll do a podcast that we have three listeners. I have three listeners. I'll look at Lee and say, Lee, what the fuck are we doing with our lives? It's time to blow this up.

It gave the comedian a different angle, Sebastian. It gave you a chance to talk about your parents and the neighborhood you came from and how you were raised and what you thought which you're doing already. This just, and it makes people connect with you in a different way. You do a movie.

You do an Adam Sandler movie. And Sebastian was great. He was great. And then you come on stage and it's great. When you do this, they get to understand. They want to know. They want to know a little quirks and you can't blame them. It's a society where you fucking need more.

You want more. You don't have a podcast no more? Oh yeah, we do it every Friday. You and me and Pete Corial. Pete Corial, I know it was a Pete. I didn't know who. Yeah, and it's more like storytelling. It's basically, it would be like getting on a phone

with your buddy and saying, would you do this week? And then boom, we just share stories about what happened. And we got a little listenership. It's called the Pete and Sebastian show. And it's just two guys kind of sharing stories about their lives, their wives being on the road. How do you know Pete?

I know Pete through a tour that we did through the Just For Last Comedy Festival in Toronto. And talk about not liking people. I'm not the guy that, like I said, I do a tour with four or five comedians. I'm not the guy that's like talking in the van. I'm the guy that's silent and listening. You know, like who's annoying me

or who do I want to hang with? What guy am I going to kind of, and me and Pete, boom, right away. It was like, we were buddies for our whole life. We started talking. He ended up moving out to Los Angeles. And I said, you want to do like a podcast? You want to start something up?

And we started it. He moved back to New York. So now we do it over Skype. So it's good. It's another outlet's long stories that we probably wouldn't get to share on stage because on stage you got to keep the laughs coming. And some of the stuff that we talk about on our podcast,

it takes seven, eight minutes to- Really get going? Yeah, to get going. It's allowed us to share stories that we particularly wouldn't share on stage to an audience that is a different audience. I mean, the podcast audience I know, noticed is different than the people

that kind of like my comedy. There's a lot of people that come to my shows, don't even know I have a podcast. You know, I mean, it's like these two separate groups of people like, hey man, listen to the cat. It's almost like a secret society, at least ours is. Where they come up to you after the show and they go, listen to the cast.

You know, like it's like a secret. So yeah, it's been good. It's been good for us and I enjoy it. I don't go on too many other podcasts. Just because A, I travel a lot and B, you know, I don't hang around with a lot of comedians. I don't know a lot of comedians, to be honest with you. I don't have a like-

You know what's at the store? You know, Dove, you know, me, you know, Rogan, you know, Wheels, you know what's at the store. You're like me. I can't go to all those places. How does it feel to be where you're at now, bro? Like to walk into, because this is a fucked up question, but let's fucking answer it.

That's because it happens to me. To walk into a problem, there's a picture of you. Did you ever think in the beginning when you got here, or any of this would be possible when you were at the store sitting there quiet? I mean, you know, I always dreamt big. I always, in my head was like, this not gonna happen overnight, number one.

Number two, you know, it's gonna take a while. And to be honest with you, I would walk in and I would look at the pictures on the wall and go, wow, not if, but when am I gonna be up there? When am I gonna be big enough, or they're gonna even consider me to be up on the wall? But when you see it, and then you're next to a comedian who's super successful, it makes you feel proud, you know?

I mean, it's nice. It's nice to see, it's nice to have the recognition. Going from a comedian who, you know, no one really, you know, you go in these rooms, you did the $1,500 a $1,000 a week. Nobody knew who you were. Nobody knew, you were just doing comedy for the people that said,

let's go watch some comedy tonight. And then you walk in now, and the people are there to actually see you because they really enjoy your work, which, you know, could be good and bad. Sometimes I feel like, I wish sometimes no one knew who I was, just for a challenge for myself

to see if I could make a group of people kind of get on board with my point of view and they're discovering it as it's happening. Cause right now when they come to see, they know, okay, this is the guy who's got a strong opinion about people and so they're ready for it. But I don't know, don't you like to go into a room sometimes and perform for a group

that might not know what you're, what you're about? Absolutely. You know, the same thing is happening here with the podcast, people come on and listen to the podcast, they expect to hear certain things they want here. You know, people come on Thursdays and they're like, great show tonight, we'll be back on Saturday, and I'm like,

God damn it, I gotta switch it around now. In my head, I gotta fucking switch it around. But listen, man, this is why we got into this, you know. I love the struggling part of it. I say it all the time, I love doing stand-up except when money's involved. Stand-up is so much fun when you just go do a spot and you don't really, once money gets involved,

really, you know, I need this shit now, you know. That's probably the story, you go there and you don't know who's gonna be in the audience, it could be people from Australia, it could be whatever. No, I like when you, absolutely, I love going to play. I can't still believe I love performing. I never thought at this age I'd be on the road, I love it. I love what's happening now with the social media,

I like that you meet them on Twitter, you communicate with them on Twitter and now I see you live and we take a picture. So the whole circle came, you know. I've been giving you free content, now you give me 20 bucks, you come to the show, you have a few drinks, you know. The way I put it in my head now is the album.

When I was a kid, I knew what it was, I said, Sebastian, what are you doing tonight? Nothing, my mom's going out, dog. I got the new Richard Pryor album. Give me five bucks, let's get a nickel bag, let's get a bottle of vodka. It's the same thing, only in a bigger thing. And what was the movie, any given Sunday

when Pacino pulls over Jamie Foxx, he goes, listen bro, it's five o'clock, you're about to go home for dinner. You got one play left, what do you tell your behomey? Go to the car and turn left, go to the car. That's what you're doing, it's the same thing. Sometimes the most fun I have is when I'm walking up to the comedy store

and I'm walking up the stairs, and as I hit the stairs, I go, this doesn't matter, I'm at Hatchways Deli. I grew up at Hatchways Deli. And you went, you know, my role at Hatchways Deli was to come in, get the roast beef sandwich on rye, with mayonnaise, lettuce, tomato, light and salt and pepper. Let me get a bag of wise potatoes,

just when I walk in, there'd be six guys talking about the events in the neighborhood. You hear about fucking Sebastian. Did you hear about Lee, and I'd sit there and observe and eat my fucking sandwich, and after I ate half the sandwich, that's the comedy store. What the fuck are you guys talking?

What the fuck are you talking about the Yankees? The Yankees don't have a chance. You bet the Yankees, you're in no danger of winning. You might as well pay them right now. I'd start an argument at the fucking place. I take it back to being at Hatchways, and that's when I have my best sets. In my mind, I'm not even on this fucking thing.

I'm not even in front of fucking 300 people. I'm in front of six guys in the deli. I'm spitting food, because the lettuce is coming out of my mouth, while I'm telling these guys to suck on my dick about basketball, whatever, you know what I'm saying? I try to take it to that minuscule of a situation to get the best out of me, you know?

But when you go up on a comedy store stage, do you know, or do you, because it looks like you're just literally flying off the cuff. Tuesday nights, I have to, Sebastian. No, I have to. You have no idea. No idea, sometimes.

You don't even think about it. Yes and no. I can't lie to you, yes and no. But then I get down there and you say something on stage. You just gave me the green light. The shit I was worrying about, why would I even worry about it? I'm gonna go behind fucking you, you know what I'm saying?

And that's what the comedy store is for, for me, on Tuesday nights. I don't have to stick to that fucking pathetic material. I could go up there and talk about the drive, talk about Priuses, and how I hate those motherfuckers doing 40 in the right hand line, you know? It's just something that you observe today, you know? That's it, that's what I like.

That's what Tuesdays was for as years ago. But now you go to the comics on a Tuesday and there's 160 people there clapping for you like they know the fuck you are. You're like, damn it! I wanted to do the joke about the one-legged hooker from 19, you know what I'm saying? The comedy store has become a place where I can't do,

you know, that 12, 45 spot when we first got there. And you had to follow Paul Mooney, Sebastian. And Sebastian, anybody with common sense, you're not gonna go up there, well something funny happened to me today. After the third joke, you're gonna die 12, 45. So you don't want, take that set list and rip it up and go up there and work them.

Cut the crowd in half, get this side alive. Once you get them going, cut it in half again, get this side alive, and then they meet and now you got them. Now Jeff's on the piano, Majibani, fuck the yams. You're up there fucking yelling and now you turn nothing. The comedy store at 12, 45, that's four years of that, they're not gonna stop you. That's why people, they're not gonna stop you

because I've seen it virtually. It's been staring at me. They just followed Paul Mooney at 12, 45. You were there, we had to follow Eddie, Paul and Andrew. That was three nights a week, dawg. And then you had to follow the mediums, Don Mareira. Don Mareira was Mike Killer. Every time I look at the dine up and Don Mareira was there,

damn, especially in the main room. And for me, it was him and AJ Jamon, who was it for you? Who used to shut your lights out before you got on stage? Oh God, well, I mean, it's funny, I used to wait tables at the Four Seasons Hotel and Eddie Griffin used to literally come in, drink at the Four Seasons Hotel and then he used to go to the comedy store,

do his hour or whatever and then bring me up not knowing I was his waiter. Like he said, please welcome. I said, man, I'd come up and at that time I was such a young comedian. I didn't want to say, I didn't want to say the truth that I just waited on Eddie Griffin at the Four Seasons Hotel for eight hours

and he don't even know who to how I am as he's bringing me up. Finally, Dice Clay, I had to tell Eddie, do you know that's the guy that's waiting on you? He goes, nah, yeah. And then we kind of had a little banter back at the Four Seasons where he used to come in. But yeah, I mean, going there, I didn't even,

I would wait, I'd get there at nine if I wasn't even on the list as a fallout. And I'd sit in the back and I'd just wait for five hours if I had to to get that last spot. So it was Dice for me when I had followed Dice, it was because it was more of a similar look and whatnot. I'm like, oh man, what am I gonna do here? He's going up there, he's talking about

pussy, contests and that. And then what am I gonna talk about? Ross, dress for less? It's like, where's the transition here? So it took, but it made me better, you know? How surreal was it that you're going up behind Dice? Do you have any idea Lee? Do you have any fucking idea Lee?

Do you have any idea I didn't talk to the man for the first year? The reason why I'm up on that stage is because halfway house, when I got out of the prison, the halfway house for new years, they locked us down and I brought the Andrew, everybody brought films. I don't know, let's watch this and I brought Andrew Dice Clay, that beat everything.

That was like the full, what is it called? A full house? Like they had like Batman rules and this and then I was like, huh, Dice man rules, put it on. And my head almost blew up. So you didn't talk to him for a year? A year until I got to the store, until an argument arose one night.

Between you and him? No, between him and Scott Day. Were you there for Scott Day? Who's Scott Day? Scott Day was the original talent coordinator and what happened was way before you came in, it was Luca and Marino. I just told the story.

We'll tell us then, we'll do the shots and we'll get you out of here. Luca and Marino, Dice came in one night and Luca's on stage lighting the cigarette with the lighter in his jacket saying he's the hit man for the Gambino's and then fucking, I could see Dice in the back on. And then Mike Marino went out

and he saw Mike Marino and the next day he called Scott Day. Scott Day was hired by, who's the guy in Vegas? The chubby comic that had Louis Anderson. Louis Anderson recommended him. Scott Day was a good guy. Scott Day was a fucking Manolo Scudo. He could fuck and put him down, dog. He'd give me five spots a week.

I'd bring him a bottle of tequila at one o'clock on a Tuesday. You know how your spots come out for the week on Wednesday? In those days you're spot on Wednesday. I'd call it two and it'd be an all day. Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday, main room, Saturday, original room. Mitchy took care of me and I would stop

and get him a bottle of tequila and bring it over there at five o'clock. I mean, a bottle. Guys, not a pint, not a half a pint, a bottle. And I'd bring it to him and I'd say, thank you, Scott. He put in this fucking drawer and by 10 o'clock when I'd be at the store, he was out of it and he'd be walking, guys.

None of this shit are, ah, how you doing? What's up, dog? Let's go get a drink. Scott, what'd you do with that bottle? It's gone. Shit. And he was walking, he hated Rogan. He thought Rogan was a book of bully.

Really? But one night, Dice called him and said, you're not going to fucking home. We're gonna take care of this. You got two fucking Dice impersonators up there. That's how I became friends with Dice. I was out there, it was 1130 and he was arguing with Scott Dice,

telling him that they're gone. Don't make me go over your head, they're gone. You understand me? You can't be up there doing Dice. And I stopped and I go, listen, you don't know me, bro. I love you. I do this because of you. They're not doing you.

They don't have a voice yet. So they're doing their favorite comic. When they get a voice, this will all be over. Yeah, but you don't know what you're talking about. Okay? And he walked away, I didn't argue with him. He called me. He's a man.

Three days later, he goes, I thought about what you said. Thank you. You're right. It's a form of flattery. And that's it. We hit it off after that. So that's how I knew he was a good guy.

He meant well. You went on the road with him for a while. I went two and a half years, three years almost. We went and did Indian casinos. We did Vegas, Stardust. Hanging out in the parking lot of the comic store. He came up to me and goes, what are you doing?

What are you doing this week? I said, no, I'm working at the Four Seasons. Well, how would you like to work Vegas with me? And I go, yeah, let me get off. So we go to the Stardust, Wayne Newton Theater, the Stardust Hotel. There I am. What year is this?

This is 2003. Wow. So four years in, takes me, you know, and I go up and I'm playing. My parents come out from Chicago. My mother's like, you made it. Shut it down. It's over.

Yeah, I played Wayne Newton Theater. She's like, it's over. You did what you had to do, you know? And yeah, I mean, just performing with him here. You go to, in my head, you're going to Las Vegas with Andrew Dice Clay. And I don't know Dice from nothing. I just know him from the comedy store.

He's another guy that it was hard to get to know. Did you know who Dice was when you left Chicago? Yeah, I grew up on Dice. But I don't know the guy personally. I feel very intimidated. I feel like he might fight me at any minute. It was just one of these guys that I stayed away from. And then wheels introduced me to him

and we started talking and goofing around. He had a sense of humor about himself, and he fights me to go to Vegas. So I'm thinking, hey, we're going to go party. We're going to go to nightclubs. It's going to be great. So we get to Vegas and Dice is like, we're going to go do some furniture shopping.

I go, what? Yeah, I need some couches because he had a place out there. Vegas, that's right. We spent the whole weekend looking for furniture. I go, Dice, Dice, I go, what? Let's go to a nightclub. We go to a nightclub. I got a house.

I ain't no, I got kids. So in my head, I was thinking it was going to be this big thing, but here we are. I'm laying on $15,000 couches and he going, is that one good? I go, Dice, I got a chair in my apartment right now. Anything I lay on is going to be fantastic. So yeah, we had a good time.

He taught me a lot about comedy, a ton about comedy. It's amazing. It's amazing the education you get. Oh, just sitting in the rooms late night after a show. Don't worry about what other people are doing. He told me, you're going to get your shot. You can't compare your road to anybody else's. Somebody gets a TV show, great for them.

You're going to get it. You don't know when it's going to come. You don't know how it's going to come, but it's going to come. So the only thing you've got control of is your stand up. Keep riding, keep doing your stand up and let everything else just go by the wayside. And that's kind of how I did it.

But yeah, it was good. It was a good learning experience, especially for a young comedian coming up. And it's nice to have a guy like that take someone like me and pull him up with him. You know what I'm saying? And I try to do that too with some of the guys that I work with is give them a shot.

I do it too, you have to. You have to, you have to get back. Let me give some shout outs and we'll close up with something. We'll get the fuck out of here. The glasses are coming out. Yeah, yeah, that's all over. I want to give a shout out to my brothers over at Flat Rock Assembly, you bad motherfuckers,

working the third, second and fourth and fifth shift. They came to the show and gave us shirts at the home of the Mustang. Nice. Where they make the fucking Mustang. So if you're driving a Mustang, it's made by Flat Motherfucking Rock Assembly. You're a bunch of savages, God bless you.

Thank you for keeping it fucking together with this American tradition, you bad motherfuckers. Graham Tiefler, Villain J, Anita D for short. Dead Squad, motherfucker, M-U-F-C. Alan Bursell, Kevin Mueller, Andre Silva, and Constantine Rain, I love you guys. Thank you for being family all the time. Yeah, dad was driving, man.

And, you know, my influences were prior and Dice and Lenny Bruce and Lenny Clark. And there's so many guys you like. I like Seinfeld on the Rodney Danger Field Special. And, you know, you think of how lucky we've been that people have reached out and said hello and put us in things and you were on the Wild West tour. You gotta do that with those guys.

And you think of how great it's been. And then you think about, like, I was thinking about a person like Joe Rogan, man. How I've learned so much, comedy-wise, like my traveling. Like, you know, the inclusion that people think that we're on the road party. I was on the road party as a feature act.

As a feature act, I'm not with you. I'm there till six in the morning, snort and blow, we'll eat some chicks ass, we'll take pictures, I'm there with you. But once this, I always knew that I was only gonna get one shot at this. I don't wanna blow this, I didn't wanna blow this. I don't know what a nightclub is, Sebastian.

Not do I wanna know. When I was doing drugs, I didn't like nightclubs. I can't snort and coke, I want my dick sucked. Me going there with bad breath. Hey, what are you doing? No, no, that's not gonna work out. It was a different, I've never been a nightclub guy. Although we did see each other at the strip club

in Chicago that time, did we not? Was it your cousin, your brother? Do you remember I was working riddles and I went to a strip club with the owner of riddles and one of the atribe, your cousin, your brother came up to me. Was it my cousin? Yeah, long time, oh my God, that was,

no, you worked riddles. Yeah. Yeah, you worked riddles out. That was my bread and butter for years. That was a great fucking room, that was. Of that room. That was, that's comedy, you know what I'm saying? Brad, did that, Brad, the son, then they opened up one up in a.

Right, but it was the guy, Ken. Ken was the guy I started with. Oh, maybe it was a different. Thousand dollars for four shows, but then the son, the nephew, took it over. Oh, okay, yeah. He's got his bounce and checks. I remember taking, they had a fucking

midway flight from Burbank. On a Friday, it left at like 6.05, they got you into Chicago at like 10 something. You were at that fucking Chinese place on Harlem, on, you know, at 11, oh, 1110, you were at a Chinese place in Harlem on the, that's the name of the street, Harlem in Chicago, Harlem Avenue, eatin' fucking shrimp and lobster sauce

and this fuckin' pork fried rice, tremendous. They had a direct flight, Lee, a direct flight from Bur, they had like two of them that would go right from there to midway, they cut those out at the fucking 9-11 motherfuckers. I loved it. See, when my family first came here, they went to Chicago.

My Cuban, my mom and dad, my real dad went to Chicago. But somethin' happened, their action was in New York. So they went to New York and they left a lady that were friends with in Chicago and they came back and got her. But my mom always talked about Chicago. I think she was in Chicago on the Valentine's Day massacres. She always talked about that, yes, she was in Chicago.

That's how long. Her roots were in Chicago too, but they ended up in fuckin' New York City. So one of the success signs for me was to work in Chicago. Like once you work on the road, Chicago, Boston, there's some places you have to work before you have to start talkin' shit. What?

What? I worked Boston last week, bitch. I don't know, you better check out my IMDb page and shit. Well, what is it like to play Vegas? Cause I know from podcasts, Vegas gets like a lot of shit sometimes from comedians when they have to be there all week, but like, Paula went to Vegas, I think, a few months ago and they already had billboards

up for next week at South Point. Like that must be pretty cool. Vegas has to be like one of the coolest places to play. Between me and you on paper it is. After the first two times, you're like, like I went into Vegas through Catcher Rising Star. So it was a week at the whatever hotel, but after three days, there's a bunch of kids

hitting you with swords. You never planned this in your list of gold sheets. What was the, what's that hotel, that Luxor? Catcher Rising Star used to be at the Luxor. Used to be fuckin' Monday through Sunday. Two shows a fuckin' night, okay? So by Wednesday, you're already sick to your stomach. You're eating in the Employee Lounge.

You're eating bread that's got teeth marks in it. You know, like that's why you gotta rip that bread at the buffet. Rip that motherfucker! Don't ever let that motherfucker act, cause don't put it right back in the line with your little pubic hair from your mustache and shit. We were eatin' that stuff.

The first time I worked at Ribs, Sharipa was so shitty to me. He was so shitty to me. I worked at Friday, Saturday, up in the Roof the Dirty Show and they give you a card for the Employee Lounge, but it was like the worst card you could have. Like they wouldn't even give you all the benefits down there. It was like old fuckin' food, man. Vegas, listen, man, everything,

I don't know, I see it differently now. I go on the road to talk to the people from this podcast now and make the connection from social media and that keeps me alert. If I didn't have that, I couldn't do the road. I couldn't be one of those guys that goes out every week with no end. This has no end.

This is what you're gonna do till you're 58, then you have no insurance. I always wanted for this to be more for me, you know what I'm saying, I didn't want to depend on the road that much. I see the value, but I don't sometimes. I like staying at home. I got shit to do at the fuckin' house, you know? No, there's a life at home.

There's a life at home. You gotta live your life too. Like what you said, you go out to dinner with the wife. That's what you spend your years on. You just gotta live. You have to live your life in order to produce comedy. At least for me, I have to go out there. I have to do things that people do.

You can't live and breathe this comedy, stand up and keep working and this and that. You gotta go on vacation. You gotta do this. You gotta do that to draw material from. And it's healthy, right? And I like what you said about going out and meeting these people that listen to the cast because, you know,

I love the meet and greets. I love them. I love them. A lot of people don't like the meet and greets. But again, I tell people up front and I tell them on the stage, listen, do me a favor. If you forgot to put the other one on, don't hug me. Cause then you leave armpit on my arm

and then people hug me later and they think it's my armpit. Then they leave Dango and we like Joey Diaz, but he had a little whang to him. And then you smell that armpit for the second show. You know what I'm saying? You can smell that sweat. So when you come to my shows, I tell everybody they gotta bathe.

I wanna be a show. It's a prerequisite. I don't ask for much. You gotta bathe because I love hugging people. I love, you know what I'm saying? But if I hug you and I get that fucking armpit on my arm, I gotta go on stage smelling that fucking armpit. It's death, Lee, it's death.

So that's all I fucking ask. Sebastian, the biggest thrill for me going back to the store. I gotta be honest with you, Sebastian, was you. It really, listen, when you walk into the comedy store, your game rises, people have no idea. Ha ha's great, the improv is great, the lab factory's fucking great.

They all serve their purpose, flappers with the Christians. But when you walk into the comedy store, you walk into Wrigley Field, okay? To me, and this is in my eyes, this is how I put it now at my age and how long I've been doing comedy. You know how fortunate I am to be 52 and still get spots. I'm dead, 10, 45 tonight.

You know how fucking gratitude I feel? Because I know I was there for years and I'd see 52 year old Spanky sitting out there every night and the other guy that would get a coke from Chewy and complain how Rodney got him out of the business. I didn't wanna be that guy. I did not wanna be that guy. So for me, every time I walk into the comedy store,

Sebastian, I know I'm in Wrigley. I know, I didn't play baseball. But if I didn't, that's Wrigley. That's Fenway. That's Yankee Stadium. Every night I got a new stadium I go to. I go to Waterfront Stadium, I go to three whatever, three rivers in Cincinnati.

This is it. This is as good as you ever be. Walking in there, the fear you get. When I walk in there and Sebastian's killing, you get that little fear. That fear, that's it. That's what you want. When I was going to the ha-ha-ha to close,

I didn't get that fear. I didn't get that. You get that little fear, that little twist. Fucking Sebastian, cock sucker. And you walk away, you motherfucker. And then you go up there and you kill because that's the league, that's your heart. That's everything.

Dog, how lucky are we that we're still there? 15, 16 years later. Unbelievable. Are you fucking crazy? Are you fucking crazy, Lee? So every morning that I get up, you know, I'm thankful. But to see where you were and where you came from, Sebastian, and where you are today, my God,

it's a feather in my cat, bro. Because I always pull for you. I always thought you were funny. I always thought there was something cooking in that fucking Getty Mind of yours. I knew there was something up there. I just didn't know what it was in my business. But I always knew that while they were doing ha-ha-ha,

you were one of those guys that they're talking about this and you're like, yeah, right, good. In your mind, you know, you have that gift that you saw right through the bullshit that way. You didn't suck nobody's dick, you know what I'm saying? He didn't go upstairs in the green room and lick somebody's balls. You know, there's people.

How many fucking people did we see coming? Oh yeah, it's a revolving door, man. And they had stories and management and agencies and writers and Liza Manelli came to see him and they're fucking gone today. Gone and we're still in this game. So you're the one of the, I really wanted you on the show. I gotta tell you, this is one of the happiest days.

I went to Jiu-Jitsu. We were having a great time at 12, I told him, I gotta leave, I gotta take a shower. I gotta be clean for Sebastian, I was on time. Yeah, I had to go home and do the fucking anti-fungal, the asshole and everything. Actually Fred, I had that little bit of fungus on my toe now. Lamisol, it's a medication.

It's an oral medication, cleared it right up. For years, I would go to a pool and not take my shoes off because of this fungus I had on my toenail. I got them on both the big ones and the ones next to them. I went to the doctor and they laser them with a blow torch. The little black Hindu lady with a fucking mask on. That's the thing where they fucking laser burn them off, you have no idea.

So did they grow back or they just completely, you have no toenail now? So no, I got a toenail, I gotta cut it every fucking day. Last week, I got an ingrown toenail, so I cut the middle of it so it grows into the middle. So you're doing your own little surgeries at home? What the hell? I cut the toenails at the house,

I put the toilet paper down, I put the paper towel, I put the big foot on there, I cut it and then I scrape it all together and I throw it away. So I don't want my daughter stepping on mine. Oh no, yeah. It's disgusting, those nails, they're fucking black. They're fucking black, the toe is fucking black. Look at my boy, Rabu Dubai,

reporting direct from fucking Chance Dragon and my boy went to Jersey. Look at him, have you ever been fucking bananas again? Make sure you go to Chance Dragon and this is the best restaurant in the fucking country. Oh yeah? The best, the best. Richfield Park, New Jersey says I'm 16, I'm 52 years.

Wow. Let's see, let's see, just to show you, just to let you know that Uncle Joey ain't no fucking, I ain't no Johnny come lately. My favorite, it's pictures of your child in Chinese food. That's it, why? Oh, look at, look at that, that's Rudy's. Look at the calamari from Rudy's.

Oh, that's nice. That's dirty, I used to walk up there when I was 17 and they'd serve me that with Heineken on tap for 60 cents, Sebastian Menescalco. You know how much this is here? How much? $28 an LA to get a plate of calamari like that. And this is with the spicy, they have the sweet medium

or the hot sauce or you could, or you could put the sweet and the medium together and they put a piece of hard, the elbow and the bottom of the sauce or you take the sauce. No, no, no, no, no, this is 30 fucking years. That's Cuban boliche, that's a Greek place, that's strawberry short, look at that egg roll. Look at those spare ribs, that's Chance dragging it.

Look at those spare ribs, not one defective one, not them, they got those porks in the back. I'm telling you. That looks delicious. I'm starving. Oh yeah, yeah, there's nowhere to fucking go. There's a Puerto Rican joint across the street. On it, for optimal optimization of your body

and your fucking mind, you understand me? Why are you bullshitting yourself? You're trying to get in shape, you're trying to be the best you could fucking be. I was stuck at the airport Sunday from 6.45 a.m., I didn't get to Los Angeles till 2.40 in the fucking morning. Did you know that? The Dallas, the Hurricanes fucked the whole country up

and I took that fucking 180 U-turn, I couldn't fall asleep the first night, I took care of the fucking jet lag, the whole thing. Done, gone, it's Tuesday, I feel like a new fucking way. What is it? On it, on it is a company of vitamin supplement. What does it do? They have 180 is what you take when you fly.

In an actual? No, it takes the jet lag away, it gives you vitamins before you fly. You know what, man, you have to store next week, I'll get some, because he's in town. It comes in little boxes and you just rip it and put it in your water, bam! I've saved him, no jet lag.

I feel like, listen, bro, you know what it's like to be in an airport from 6.45 Eastern time. That's 3.45 L.A. time, ladies and gentlemen. I almost, they almost took me 24 hours to get to fucking Los Angeles. And I went home and I drank fuck, I ate two chicken cutlets. I drank some fucking water, I watched TV for like an hour and I took the thing and I'll tell you what,

I laid in bed, my mind was still going and I could feel like the jet lag. I got up at 9.30 yesterday, I lifted weights, I'm dead lifted. I need that, I need that. You need that. When we fly, you gotta take care, you gotta drink the water. Big problem with jet lag, so.

Yeah, the 180 is fucking tremendous, man. So please, go to audit.com right now and throw in. What are you putting about? Church. C-H-U-R-C-H and get 10% off your first order. Anything you want with them. The Shroom Tech fucking sport again. I went to Jiu-Jitsu today.

I was rolling around with Dave. The only reason why I stopped was because I had to come meet him on time, if not. I would have stayed till 12, 15, 12, 20. I love this shit, it's good for, it's a quadricep mushroom and they give you energy. Not bad, you wanna jump up and down, you wanna take the scooter up into the mountains.

You're sitting there with those rotten fucking underwears. For how long you nasty motherfucker? Me on these.com, the best underwear in the fucking game right now. I won't mind to Jiu-Jitsu today. I told you people what I like about it. Your nuts never fall out of the white part. You know when you wear those tidy waddies,

your nut always pops out. I don't like that shit. I got that one nut exposed. I don't need that aggravation in my life. With the tidy white, with the me on these, it controls them in their cotton. It alleviates the sweat. It pulls the sweat from your body, Sebastian,

so your nuts stay magnificent. Perfect, perfect. Go to meondies.com right now. They got a great selection of men and women's underwear, sweatpants, t-shirts. They got it all, motherfuckers. Go to meondies.com right now and get 20% off your first order and free delivery,

but you gotta press Joey. In the box, J-O-E-Y, cock suckers. Right there, get 20% off from free shipping. And you're sitting there going Joey, what the fuck? In the US and Canada. In the US and Canada. And they don't stop there, motherfucker. You know why?

Because nature box is coming at you. Gratis, gratis, nutritious, healthy snacks. Fucking nutritionist approved. Deliver it right to your door. Right there. I'm gonna give you three little bags and two big bags. You can mix them up. The cocoa almonds, the fucking French toast.

They got, listen, they put new shit out so much. I'm out of contact with what they even got anymore. But all I know is it's nutritious, it's fucking delicious. When you're stoned to the gills and you're eating those little bags, your mind's gonna blow up. Whatever it's the figs, the fucking, the plantain chips, everything they got is good.

And I'm giving you a starter box for free. Gratis, it's like a $30 value on the arm. The only thing that's gonna cost you is for shipping, like two fucking bucks. Right? Not even like $190. So go to naturebox.com right now and press in. Joey.

Boom! J-O-E-Y, get a free fucking box, three little bags, two big bags, deliver it to your door right now. Today, it ain't gonna come today. But if you do it today, you get it by the fucking weekend and you get it next weekend. When everybody else is eating potato chips with those barbecues, there you are with Nature Box,

living like a fucking doctor. And you know what it cost you? Oogots. Tell him, Sebastian, nothing. Oogots. Oogots. Nothing, bitches. Zero, grab.

Zero. $1.90. Nothing, a $1.90 cocksuckers. And then you're sitting there going, but Joey, what am I gonna watch? If I got vitamins, I got Nature Box, and I got fucking me underwear on. What am I gonna watch?

Iron Dragon fucking TV, motherfuckers. The ultimate leader in classic martial art films, okay? All the names, drop the names on them, Lee. Jackie Chan. They got the It Man series. They got the Fat Dragon. I mean, they got titles you never even heard of, but you're sitting there watching shitty fucking movies.

You love classic martial arts. You wanna learn kung fu. You wanna fly through the fucking air. You wanna be hit. What are you sitting there like a mutt for? Go to Iron Dragon TV and press in. Joey. Boom, and you get two free fucking movies today,

this week, starting this weekend. So I'm gonna give you an honor. You're gonna get 10% off. I'm gonna give you a me underneath. You're gonna get 20% off from free shipping. I'm also throwing Nature Box on you, which is fucking gratis like a motherfucker. And irondragontv.com, two free movies.

So if you can't take that, if you can't take a joke, take a shuttle, bitches. I'm always trying to give you cock suckers love. I wanna thank one of the best stand-ups in the game for coming in here today. Thank you for making me, I mean, it's just like, you're my nephew. Like, and now I see, you know,

look at this motherfucker knocking these cock suckers out. Well, thank you for having me in the show. So thank you. What's your podcast, man? It's Pete and Sebastian Show. Get on Stitcher, iTunes. It's my website, SebastianLive.com and you can find my dates there as well.

Where are you this weekend at home? I'm home and then after that, I am in Las Vegas at the Venetian Hotel and Resort. What is this? Memorial Day weekend. Me too. Oh yeah, you're there. You're all there, Rogan, everybody.

Rogan's Friday night. I'm at the South Point. You're at the Venetian. Who else is there? Perfect. Just. How many shows you got a night? Two, just two and one night.

So. Oh, so you only got one night there? One night, Sunday night. Oh, so you only have Sunday night? Come in Saturday? Perform Sunday? I leave Monday. If you want to go to the UFC, let me know.

Okay. Maybe I can get Joe to give you a ticket. What are you, Saturdays UFC? I'm there Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, but the UFC is Sunday, Saturday night. Saturday night. If you get in there, other people get your fucking ticket, man.

Sebastian, all the luck in the world. Thanks, brother, I appreciate it. I hope it all works out. Lee, what's up with you, cock sucker? Just going to Vegas with you. You ain't coming, I cut you off. That's it. I got your hotel over at the Hotel 6.

That's some dead fucking crack holes at $29.95. Good, you're coming, I'm very happy. And what do you got this weekend, anything? Just, no, just a couple of pitches from what we talked about last night. You doing any podcast seminars this weekend, yeah? Not yet, no, but maybe. You should get it together, cock sucker.

Maybe in Toronto, I just found out. Maybe in Toronto, you better get it together with your little blue shirt on. Let me show Sebastian the crab. Oh, you've been lifting weights lately. I don't got the crab, but. Show him the crab. He makes me do this.

Show him the crab. Oh, yeah. There you go. That's tight fucking on you, Molly. I love you guys, thank you. Thank you, Sebastian. You got it. Lee Syed, I love you, cock sucker.

What we gonna end up, don't tell me the weekend because you are. How about the fucking almond brother's whipping post? There you go. Not live, studio. Okay. You sure you don't want a cookie to take home? You want something for the dog?

No, I'm good. Maybe the dog's got leukemia or something. I don't know if this is live or not, but we'll find out. I don't want live. Well, I don't know, I have to do the ad to watch. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Let's see, we'll test it. Come on, we gotta have it here.

Hit it, do that and then we'll put the ads later. Okay. Go ahead, hit it. Look at this, two hours to put the fucking song on. I'm trying to get it ready to take off for YouTube. You see I got a little, two fucking hours. So its clean. Okay.

Alright, always have this little trim, I know, I don't know, just take it off. Okay, boys, plug it in. No, just plug it in. So man, get this. Lemme top it off, all you got is camera. Get that camera out. Hey, turn it off.

Hey, don't you wanna tell me weird and why, how far's it just gone? You don't know anything about what's your Briggs or . Of course I'm pretty nuts. Man, I fat ass. I don't know man, baby, that's my whole fucking journey made for you. Come on, Ben.

I don't know why I left that new woman make me a fool She took all my money, that's my new car Now she's with one of my good timbers Drinking in some cross the timbers Time to drive me to the left side Time to drive to the left and go Time to drive and go Time to drive and go

And Lord I feel like I'm dying And Lord I feel like I'm dying And Lord I feel like I'm dying And Lord I feel like I'm dying And Lord I feel like I'm dying And Lord I feel like I'm dying And Lord I feel like I'm dying I've been stuck

And I've been such a fool And I have to stand by and take a day off from loving you And drown myself in sorrow As I look at what you've done But nothing seems to change The bad times take the same And I can't run Time to drive me to the left side

Time to drive and go Time to drive and go Time to drive and go And Lord I feel like I'm dying And Lord I feel like I'm dying And Lord I feel like I'm dying And Lord I feel like I'm dying And Lord I feel like I'm dying

And Lord I feel like I'm dying And Lord I feel like I'm dying And Lord I feel like I'm dying And Lord I feel like I'm dying Sometimes I feel Sometimes I Sometimes I feel Sometimes I feel

Sometimes I feel Sometimes I feel Lord I feel like I'm dying And Lord I feel like I'm dying And Lord I feel like I'm dying