Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #285 - Tom Segura, Bert Kreischer, Joey Diaz, and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: May 26, 2015

Tom Segura, Comedian and Co-Host of the "Your Mom's House" podcast, and Bert Kreischer, Comedian and Host of Trip Flip on Travel Channel whos season premier is June 2nd at 8pm. joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. Iron Dragon TV. A New Roku channel with all the best martial arts films. Use Code word joey for two free rentals. HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for five Hit E Cig's for $50 Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by using code word joeydiaz. Music:  Saturday Night Special - Lynnyrd Skynyrd I Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet Looks That Kill - Motley Crue Recorded on 05/25/2015  

The show is brought to you by onnet.com go to onnet.com use co-word church to get 10% off of all the great optimization There's a bullshit that kills you at the end of the day. Yeah, it's those beers that kill you that new yonbrew and all that That you drink right away. That's better for you. Yeah, but that red shit right there That's what God invented those are grapes cocksucker hit it Lee. All right You're still at onnet.com using co-word church to get 10% off all the great optimization products Go to iron dragon TV.com news cover Joey to get two free rentals of all the great martial art movies They have onnet lab videos. They're the leader in 4k technology. It's co-word Joey to get two free rentals Go to hit e-sigs.com and use co-word joey's church and they're running a pick five campaign

So you get five e-sigs fifty dollars use co-word joey's church and Oh Go to nailthelife.com also those goomysharmonas.com and Check out the premiere of apron on the market for the oil and wax smokers use co-word joey Diaz to get 20% off Good job. That was good job Dropping on these bastards memorial day for you fucking soldiers Here you go cocksuckers marines navies

Air Force The marines navy force the army the army we love you cocksuckers on the church put that out loudly I'm gonna break that fucking mix a kick at least a Lotter in my house. I sleep. What am I? Yeah, seriously That type of party people like a black cat do nobody drops I like when it goes double time in a second crank it up This reminds me again in the Camaro driving through the woods in Florida like you just smack the woman Yeah, I just got jeans on and moccasins. No shirt hair flying through

Oh Story you bad motherfuckers happy Memorial Day late night podcast with Felicia at the flying Jew But Christia and my main man Tom Segura don't ask how this came together. It just came together That's the way it's supposed to happen very generically. What's happening gentlemen chilling dog. What's going on in your world? I'm doing better now that I'm with you because I went on the fucking stairs And hung out in the stairwell with you beautiful periscope. Yeah, I love periscope in the future How many ease have you had today? I mean no

Gotta eat a half of this with the wine it goes fucking Yeah, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna eat half the three quarters You know, I went you know, I went to Joey's store. What are you doing on more of that? I'm Joey I'm not eating a buddy. No, Joey Joey Joey Joey. I'm saying get a little pep in your step guys triple bears on travel channel If you don't eat it Leo have to eat I've already had one and a half One leg who walks around with a leg and a half nobody Fucking guy. Oh great time in Las Vegas next weekend

If you came to the South Point to see and I want to thank you from the bottom of that was an easy weekend fucking great time What I was telling you was That 1983 I was walking past the window one day. I was doing laundry on the Lord's Day Money in my own fucking business not bound just doing laundry football was on I wasn't in the mood. I Was living in snowmass village and I was in Creekside apartments and I'm walking And I look at this window as I'm walking by and the windows open But there's a screen in front of it, but the doors right there. Yeah, all I have to do stick my hand rip the screen I'll stick my hand. I got this fucking fool's paradise. I knew the guy saw him early up at the fucking bar up at the Mexican place

I knew there was some type of drugs in his house. Yeah, I stuck my hand in there went in. I got a chunk of hash I got some jewelry. I got like 1500 in the rubber band and I got a Like a couple grams of blow, you know loose blow And Selenius blow I put it together and I ran out and I went home and I buried the 15 grand And I took the jewelry and I put in one of those safe My buddy was a property manager those days for

Some property management company and I went to condos that were under construction Yeah, and I would put all the stolen loot in the safe and we'd have the combination That's the only way I got away with all that shit So they came to my house. It was none of my house the blow I kept that was going down and the hash I had a little spot under the closet where I ripped up the carpet and with a knife. I picked up the wood It was like my little I always since I was a kid I was always one of those creepy dudes that wanted to be James Bond. Yeah. Yeah, I love picking up floorboards Yeah, I love picking up floorboards and digging it out. I love all that crazy shit to me

That was the easiest heist of my life December 18th 1983 I remember I called my buddy to say I'm sending you a package tomorrow Look out for a chunk of half. There's much of jewelry move the jewelry and we'll split it 50-50. It was like a tiny jewelry Yeah, I don't know if he goes. It's my birthday. Okay, and I made a mental notes and now every year December 18th I call him on his birthday because of that robbery my point my point is Vegas was easier That's how much of a good time I had in Vegas what did you say you bury the fifth?

Do you like buried in the ground you buried mine? No, there was a closet that people in the building could put their skis and shit And you had to have a couple keys for it And I went in there and I fucking dug something out in the corner. You couldn't see it unless you were professional There was no way you can see yeah, and I put it in there and that's why I kept the 15 grand So I went back to Jersey In 84 now is this about the same time you went to Miami. Oh, we were talking about Miami. Yeah, I was talking about you know like You're giving this illusion

When you're 1920 that there's stuff going on there's always stuff going on, you know, oh my god, it sucks here Yeah, I heard where's the party at the parties in Texas I heard my friend went he said that he made out with eight chicks and he got six blowjobs and chicks with topless And your head almost explodes and that's a fucking bullshit story That's you know, but in your mind then you see the Budweiser commercials and their party in and well It wasn't as crazy as it is now like the commercials and I was the craziest commercials were Rodney, you know Remember those commercials for Miller like those are fucking classic, but it wasn't you had this illusion that you were gonna go out So I grew up in New York City

So when I was like 20 my friend said hey man, my buddy's a bartending in the studio 54 My head almost exploded. He goes I'll get you in tonight. I go. Let's go You know, it was like 80 fucking to the party was over then But to just go in there and I went in there expecting it to see like people give him blowjobs, you know, I wasn't like that It was just people being free. So my friend said to me at one point you want to get high. Yeah, let's go into the woman's bathroom and You were a man and here you were in the woman's bathroom because it was like the main room You ever go to the back of the main room they have at the comedy store They have those boots with mirrors with those big bulbs around them at studio 54

They had 50 of those in a row really so people would go in there with that cocktail smoke and do coke where the women are supposed to be But make up on they weren't actually in the back of a woman with pissing they would sit there You're following me. Yeah, when you went to tables people were doing blow But I went there like three times and I thought that that was it that was the perfect fucking club Even though I didn't get my dick sucked even though nobody talked to me. I didn't get one woman to talk to me I didn't dance with anybody like that was the utopia, you know, that was it But I always thought like oh my god, I'm going to Colorado when I went to Colorado I was the worst nightlife in the fucking world really and I gotta tell you something when I went to all these cities like

Compared to what I grew up with Nothing is fucking I had never seen anything, you know, I don't want to go see a fucking cover band at a bar I'm too old guy. I'm not gonna sit there and listen to brown sugar. That's not happening in my fucking world But there was one place I went to 1984 That was crazy and it was coconut Grove Florida with the improv is today. It's gone cocaine was huge. Sorry that place Was something I'd never seen before really I went to visit my family and my cousin said we're going out We went to like the pink parrot one of those and that was where I saw

Fucking if 400 people in there Everybody was on blow Like everybody was on blow everybody wanted to be on Miami Vice. It was right after Really dressed like it and shit, right? Listen brother in between Scarface and Miami Vice. Yeah, you have no idea what was happening. Really? You just have no idea. I was in Florida I remember I remember I don't remember Scarface coming out, but I do remember my advice I remember like Ron Bennington was a big I mean he was a big deal around that time in Florida Ron Benny Ronnie be Ronnie be was in was a DJ of Tampa. Who's Ron Bennington? He does a Ron and Fez radio show. Okay?

Yeah, she's tremendous. You'd love. Yeah, he always Joey. You'd love. I know them. Yeah. Yeah, where are they now? They're in New York Ron's and Ron Bennington's in New York Ron Perez is I think in Tampa, Miami Can you turn the bass down in my voice sounds a little tinny bring that beat back? But uh, but yeah Ronnie be like those big cigarette boats and yeah Cut off shirts like Hulk Hogan used to wear Florida's maniacs dude. It's a crazy Yeah, it's really crazy. It's a really crazy state And it's one of like it's like Nevada in the sense that like if you fuck off want to be like fuck off society I'm kind of like I do shit on that. I bend a lot of rules. I'm kind of a fucking asshole

Like it's a great state to thrive in you know, like there's so many the most scumbags I've ever met in my life was living in Florida. Really? Yeah for sure So many fucking scumbags a lot of racist a lot of races a lot of everything. Yeah, a lot of everything It's a big it's a big high. It's a pirate state It's it's been fucking getting mulled on since God knows when yeah, you know, you know Columbus was down there. I mean, it's just Jesus was down there. Everybody's been down there. No state income tax Jack Gleason was down there It's just one of those places and for me And I'm not saying this in a negative way anything above like West Palm Beach

I don't click to me. It's very yeah, it's very more little. It's in between southern and something else Yeah, I want the Jacksonville. They didn't dig me. I got went to that mandarin in yeah one time That's the all the seafood you could eat Friday night. Oh, it's still good. Oh boy Yeah, oh Cal. I've never really been been to that's not your world Tampa live. Oh, I didn't do good in Tampa You know, I don't think a lot of Cubans in Tampa great fucking city great food Just sensational food. Yeah, just a great blender food a lot of New York is with flavor a lot of Cuban food a lot of Latin fucking good cheeseburgers But I think like the only city I'm gonna tell you something guys

There's only been two cities in my life. Well, I thought I was gonna die. I came close to dying One is Florida Miami. Yeah, and the other one I think is Houston, Texas one. That's a pretty that's a savage The fucking city before or after the hurricane It's after Katrina Houston got real fucking wild. Yeah, I got crazy. It got real crazy. It's Katrina 2005 I think yeah, no, this is 2003 2002. I was going crazy on my own. Yeah. Yeah, it was a great club that Used to love the last stop. I went there after it changed over. No, I got what they're after Pete Pete was great guy. I love Pete. He had his little fucking problem. I love Pete. He just came to see me in Houston He's serious. Yeah, I'm still tight with Pete. I'll talk to Pete once every 16 days. By the way, Danny Murdoch

Who yeah, Dan Murdoch died Old Tempe improv old Tempe. What a fucking shame. Yeah, how'd he die? You know, I've been here Nobody said Tom and you know where she caught it wasn't good guys He caught me about a year and a half ago for a reference to try to get a manager's job at the Chicago lab factory That's the last time he said he was living with his brother. He took up the money the club gave them they robbed them He lost his condo fuck man. It was like fucking A to Z. It was like a He fucking did a lot of creepy things down there, man Rest in peace, you know, he was good

He was a creepy fuck Don't you ever you ever got that funeral and the guys talking like they give a memorial in the back You hear you like this is such a bullshit. Last time I saw this guy was doing blow. Yeah office strip his ankle This kid he's a loving father. Sure. Yeah, you should have seen him that night Love this kid when he had his tongue up that fucking yams fucking asshole with coke on it All those loving fathers they always are the dirtiest motherfuckers in the world dirtiest motherfuckers in the world I went into the Tempe improv one time and Gary Valentine and Then skip a bunch of comics told me you got a party with Dan with Dan Mur

And I was like, okay, so I get there. I was one of we used to tour with the what's the name? Yeah We get there and we sit down and I say to Dan have not drinking a night But I want to get down on a party with you and he's like yeah He's I was like Gary and Kevin James all these guys said you're really fun to party with you. It's no worry. It'll happen I was like, yeah, it's like Friday night Thursday night Friday night. He's like, I'm not gonna be able to do it tonight We'll do it hit it tomorrow night. So Saturday comes. I'm kind of like I'm not that I don't want to party with them I just don't really care. I just said what I was supposed to say to be cool Saturday night comes and he and I dodge out on it and he I don't see him. I leave. I'm like, thank God

I gotta do one Sunday show. I'm just gonna drive home Sunday night. He corners me in the green room. Oh, yeah He's like that's tonight tonight's your night, bro. And I was like, okay, so I was like alright So I've put all my shit back in the condo Parked the car and I was like I'm going out partying with Dan and we just went to that Shooters right down the street. Mm-hmm. Just went there and he just sat down at the bar and he just looked at me He goes, so what do you think? I was like what he's like, this is it man. This is like you're partying with me I was like, oh fuck. What? Yeah, who's weird. How long did you guys get really fucked up or no? Yeah, no, we just had enough drinks where we couldn't drive back to LA and then he was just called it a night

And I was like, oh fuck so it was that was the last time I really he was he's interesting to me How many people you you put all your eggs in that basket sometimes in this business with like a club owner or manager? And you're like, alright, I got this place and he was cool shit They're gone and you're like, I got blind drunk with what's the the old the guy that was running Houston improv the okay, giggie. Lala that guy. No, not not a tray. No, the creepy guy No, no, no, he's a creepy fuck they they sent them to Arlington. He's the rapist. He's the tree. I wasn't saying They put them in they put them in Arlington You know Dan Murr was a fucking dirty

filthy coke fiend and He would get so coked up that you're thinking how to stroke his lip would turn like his lip would just go upwards So one night and everybody for years one night when I had to really bad sleep apnea and I really wasn't sleeping I didn't know what I didn't know what I Didn't know what the sleep apnea with the effects were yet Uh-huh, I passed out one night really hard notion I wake up to the door banging and it's Joe Rogan pre-marijuana when he was fucking miserable. I

Always say he was an ape you ever see the evolution of an a that's when he was an ape Yeah, if you didn't know Joe marijuana wasn't it wasn't it was like a spurts. There was something missing Thank God Eddie talked them into that because you didn't know what he was anti drug. Yeah, anti fucking drug You know if if a Bert came over and the next day he called me don't burn Christ I had like 16 fucking beers. He's got a bad problem, you know, and he would just say that I remember we went to see Doug Stano, that's how it started and he's like fucking Doug is funny But somebody's got to talk to him about his alcoholism like Joe nobody says things like that like nobody I go Why would you say he goes? Why would I say that he had 11 beers and four shots of tequila on stage?

That's how uptight Joe Rogan used to be Cuz I don't even recognize that guy. No, no He gave me Ricky Cruz and Ralphie may shit for smoking pot the commie slow one night Really? That's that's how twisted he was then anti. He was very by the book You know, what's his name? I just died from drugs The guy I'm saying that's live his buddy on a news radio and all that Oh for her so he was very he got shot though Right, something with Joe that he was very and he would not discuss cocaine with me at that time Like he wouldn't tell like I wouldn't ever ever be high in front of him

And one night we all said good night and I went back to my room I started watching TV and I just passed out guys and I heard boom boom boom boom. It's Joe Rogan with the security Joe you open up the door. You all right with the fuck we were supposed to be downstairs at 8 30 Now we missed our fucking flight and all this shit. I'm like hold on He's looking around my room. I'm like no dog I was to bed last night and the whole way there him and Chris McGuire yak I'm like, I know he was with Danny Merlin. Chris McGuire. I know the ball. That's when when we used Chris McGuire Me used to open for Joe. I remember Chris McGuire

right for all the Roots all those roasts and we get to the fucking airport and the flights delayed for hours So all that yelling and screaming was for no fucking reason. I even told him I go see the fight's fucking delayed Who gives a fuck but he always thought I was a Danny Merlin. I'll tell you guys right now I never did a line of blow with Danny Merlin. This is what I did to the Danny Merlin one night. I Knew what Danny Merlin did and Danny Merlin knew what I did Okay, there's people that you have relationships like that that like let's say Lee's a coke dealer Yeah, Lee knows that Lee knows that you and Bert are friends

I know that Bert goes to Lee and Bert knows that I go to Lee. We just don't say it to one another But there's times that we'll be talking out even though me and Bert aren't friends. I'll see Bert and I go You see Lee tonight and he'll go no, no, I saw him last night So it's our little secret but right the books. Yeah, you know I'm saying yeah So I always knew that he got high and he knew I got high We never really did anything but one night he calls me up and he goes hey, man I got two tickets for the stones at the Hollywood ball

He goes you want to go? I'm a 400 fucking pounds I'm smoking two packs three packs of camel lights a day and I'm doing a gram and a half a blow at this time Jesus Christ. I'm living on Shredder. I'm a fucking mess. Yeah Externally and currently so I meet him and no compadre and I buy two for 20s I bought an old mic and I buy like 10 20s Because I know him and I know me and when he gave me my ticket I shook his hand and I put three 20s in his hand and he took him put in his pocket. He never told me. Thank you

That's old school. Yeah, there's nothing to discuss. You don't know nothing. I don't know none That's the only drug exchange I had with him. He bought it. He paid a limo We took a limo from oak and Padre to the fucking thing We got out of that car my heart my fat little hearts beating from the blow in the cigarettes You ever walk up that Hollywood Bowl? Yes You ever want to rip the tickets up and punch the person in the face who had the ideas to go there? It's all uphill from Highland and Franklin. Oh my god by the time you get to the top you want to shoot yourself Yeah, so we walk in the seats were just I could see the sweat on Mick Jagger

You know Danny Merton fuck around. Yeah, that's one thing that dude swung hard He had tickets from fucking, you know, Letterman's assistant Like that's who got him those tickets like somebody big assistant. You could see Mick Jagger sweat But the problem was the coke made me want to smoke cigarettes in those days. You couldn't smoke in there I couldn't smoke in this one after one one time. I went up there by the time I got up I was huffed and puffed almost had a heart attack. I smoked three cigarettes my blood pressure is 200 I went right back down after three or four more songs. I do another couple blasts I walk back up to the top again three cigarettes. I walk back down finally. I am down and I go fuck

Now I got a pee I Walk all the way back up there. I pee and I go, you know what? I'm not walking back down I just left I walked right to my apartment and got the fucking rest of that eight ball and blasted off He kept calling me way. Yeah, fuck you. I live into the phone. I think I had a pager back then I still have a pager. Fuck you. I didn't even answer the phone It's got to be a heart attack, right? What's that dammers heart attack? I don't know he died of a broken heart, bro Some people die of broken hearts last time I talked to him. It's got to be hard to take that tumble

Because it from going to run in one of the more popular clubs in the country where everyone wants to work to getting Run out I guess Mark Anderson killed himself and then that kind of felt everything fell apart from there with that club That guy Howard wanted to Dan out Dan was a fucking Dan had lost himself Dan really Dan lost himself and he wanted to be Hartman Oh Wanted to be Hartman. He wanted to compete with Hartman Phil Hartman. He'd know Hartman the man He your manager like wait, I'm like he wanted to rub. He wanted to hang out with celebrities

He wanted to yeah, he loved you know, he loved that, you know, he would say Oh, you know was that my club this weekend spade and Sandler and and Chris, right? You know, he loved saying those words He loved going to let him in because the fucking guy that got fired for saying chicks made funny Eddie Brill he used to that's the only the last club that would hire him because that was Danny Murray's only Way to get on to let him in. Oh, yeah So Brill would get him let him and take kids and take him out to dinner and then he had line of patanjis and You know how that goes fucking amazing how this life works

But he started losing his mind and he started believing the hype that he was a great club owner He got a magazine done with his picture. Yeah, he had that framed in everything in the club Wait a fake magazine article like like the like a magazine that three college kids put together with the cover shot It was he got it at the mall, but he was in a Confederate uniform It's one of those ones you can put your name on he really believed the hype. He really wanted to be a player I knew he had invested off-record and a lot of comics CDs Like he would go to the comics and say put my name on your CD. I can be 10 great Producer yeah, he was he he was he gave me a lot of notes through the day years

And who the fuck was he at the end of the day like who the fuck was like that's what happened to him He went from being a club manager to being I know everything about Tommy look at my club. Yeah, you're good But stop giving advice stop telling people they can't drink on stage Yeah, that was the dumbest fucking stop not getting blowjobs up in the green room If you got your dicks up in the green room, we go to the only joy, you know, he was a client He was a he was like a double agent. Yeah, and then he come and hang out Then he won a party with where's Joe Rogan? Where's Joe Rogan and then he'd sit by Joe and he'd be coked up and I could see the steam and Joe's fucking ears

Getting hotter and hotter every time he tried to say something his jaw would be going, you know It was just fucking him back. He's a you know at that time listen, bro. I don't know how you guys feel Let me just tell you guys something. This is how I felt for I'm 52 This is how I felt for 27 years. I think when I was 25 one day. I said I Feel creepy going on. Yeah Like I'd see like college kids and I go, you know, you feel like that guy that flunk college and still hanging out like But he made a little you know, it's no yeah, yeah 20s you feel like that 30 year old that's lurking

It's like when I go to the weed store and I see the guy with lense gonna shirt with the ponytail, man He's 55 Man, it ain't on you like sitting there going really Isn't that fucking Jitney bust you should be honest some shit Like over you know, this is an end to this trying to be cool. Shit. There's an end to it at some point I flew one of things today with a 60 year old that was tatted up and Steroid it up. You're fucking 60 guy then taboo. He had a wig

Oh, the wigs are the saddest. It's 2015. He's still pushing the wig shave your head like every other fucking joke Yeah, and put like a crucifix on your head or something. What are you Lee like 40? What are you 45? He's 26 years old. Why are you breaking this blue 26 and white dog ears? He's in place 26 years old They lost his birth certificate in Israel He's like the cubans. They lose every birth certificate. That's why you see a cure. So I look like I ain't lying I Look how high are you? Well, I've had like 300 milligrams when I met Lee was 24 years old 23 and he never did an edible. Look at him now

Wow On the board again bless you age 20 years you have But that that eat that eat that that uh that week in florida To me was the last and I thought the rest of the country was like that. I have I was in it was uh the summer of 84 And I was just about to start getting bad with the blow like it was around Yeah, and I was dating this chick that had tremendous pussy

I was in love with it. I would I would steal panties and jerk off and I wasn't with her Oh my god, she was fucking tremendous and she sucked dick and we get coked up together and we'd 69 In the hotel rooms on fridays and saturdays and we used to drink harvies bristol cream anybody remember harvies bristol cream It was like a fucking strong irish. What's that shit baileys? It was like a 90 proof baileys that fucked you up And it took a broad from point a to point z with a half a biscuit And a couple lines and me and that chick would get like I'd save money the whole week at like three quailudes Get two bottles of harvies bristol creams a bag of ice cubes

I get I get a hotel room in seaside heights in the winter time for like 10 bucks And I take it down and add it on a saturday coke her up and fucking eat her ass And we'd 69 and she'd stop and do a line of coke and clean her nose and suck that fucking pipe again Those are the days dawg. Those are the fucking days when you're 20 What is triplet premiere triplet june 2nd on travel channel That's the show you want That's the trip tank you want like the show that you go and see the underground people shoot harrowing People snort and blow somebody go d

No, that's what people want to see no the entire screen will be blurred. Look at this over here Look at this over here eating the biggest sandwich I want to see where the bodies crack a laugh I want to see bird off coked up doing bumps out of club Taking an ear beating from a chick with bad breath at the bathroom And she's like if you come to my place birthday, okay And the camera has to follow you guys Fuck that then you go back to a house and she's shooting harrowing on she starts to

She starts to OD But you got to crack a nut from the heroin and you put your dick in the mouth And then she owed these and you and the camera cruelly And the way down the stairs you bump into another party Like that's the fucking show right there. Somebody wants to see you at a restaurant going on a roller coaster Who gives a fuck you? That is listen So i'm at a restaurant birth right sure it's august of 84. I am a psychological one

I was just starting to digest that my mother had died When you have a lost that strong. Yeah, I was in high school. I went to school the next day I may believe like if she was still alive in my head Not to deal with it and finally after four years I had to deal with it and i'm at a restaurant eating and all of a sudden this guy comes up to me and he goes Hey, aren't you denora's son? He goes fucking muñeco is looking for you. Muñeco was this friend of the family is I had one eye that went that way But when he do when he do coke the eye would rattle, but he was fucking I did something for him as a kid one time

He had two sons and we all got along I did something as a kid one time Oh So what the fuck we all got along You look like a fairy tale. Oh my god I gotta sell the story what do you think i'm gonna give it to him cold so wait so muñeco's looking for you My mother died in 79. Yeah, he came to the wake and shit, but throughout the years we lost contact with each other Muñeco was a

big-time drug dealer And 80 and about the time they killed. This is a fucked up story that i'm thinking about right now Before my mom died my mom woke me up like a year before she died and goes. Hey, man I gotta talk to you about son She goes, you know muñeco's son because she had he had one son that he had twins She goes they killed one of the twins What like what are you talking about? She goes some chick and him and od the kid always was troubled He OD'd and fort lee and some house

So, uh I'm like, that's really sad. You know, what are we gonna do? I think we went to the funeral and what happened when we came home when we got home She came to me my mom and she's like he wants to talk to you about something Like okay, and i'm a little i'm i'm in the eighth grade seventh grade, but my best friend Was that guy right there calm mind the torch balsam Wow, which one that guy football coach. Oh, yeah, he was no fucking football coach Is it football?

Okay, he's reading the paper to a bunch of guys He was a cop that Had a strip club and burnt it down. He was tremendous, but he knew people This muñeco guy. Do you think he'd get pulled out of a lineup? Well, which one do you think it was? No, he was Derek or karma on the torch that burnt All right, so my mom heat muñeco took me to lunch or something He goes listen. I need a big favor. I need for you to go to your mafia, buddy And get to the bottom of who killed my son. I guess he was doing her when they gave him a bad dose

I want to know who the chick was and I was like in shock I couldn't go to carmine and ask him because I always thought that carmine didn't know what went on in my house I kept my house and carmine completely different I used to hang out at carmine's house with his kids and he was like a big time cop And my mom would always say bust his balls get information from him And I was like, mom, are you fucking crazy? I'm not gonna ask him about numbers and shit That's my fucking getaway from you fucking crazy spic mother fuckers. That was my that was my refuge And all that shit went down and one day carmine calls me and he goes, hey, uncle, do me a favor

Come over to the house real quick And I flew to his house and when I got to his house because run back the house and tell your fucking mother to clean the house Tell the clean the house fucking right now and I ran back and as I'm running I can see the cop cars coming So carmine knew what was going on in my house the whole time So my mother dies. I lose contact with muñeco. I don't see muñeco until 84 I'm at a restaurant a Cuban restaurant. This guy approaches me says muñeco wants to see I call him When I call him he meets me at the airport. I go down there, but I'm going down there with my nose wide open I'm going down there for a handout guys. I'm not going down there because I want to see him

I'm going down there with a sob and the story how I got robbed and My mother's husband didn't give me anything. I'm just looking for a handout Which I'm going to snort the whole fucking thing anyway Yeah So I stayed at his house the first night. It's real cool Second night I stayed at his house and I asked him a question about another guy I knew in Miami that I had grown up with that went to prison And he couldn't come to my mom's wake and I hear he goes he's out

We'll call him right now and I broke down. That was like my fucking On on paper uncle growing up. Yeah, so he goes I'll drive you over in a couple days. So right there I go listen man. I'm gonna bind I need some help when you could go. Why don't you ask me? I'll give you what you want. He goes hold on Just take a ride. We go to his furniture store He goes in the back of his furniture store and he starts giving me these little you know when you give somebody a A pendant from my zales those little boxes. He goes open it up. I open it up It's like a cheap pendant, but he goes take the back. It was an ounce of coke flattened out already

And he goes I'll give you like 10 of them on the arm. Just bring me back 900 a piece I was like, are you fucking serious? I go, how do you want to bring him across? He goes, it's a piece of cake. Just put him in your luggage. They'll get right through Miami International Airport. I had nothing to lose So before that he goes spend the night at my house and I'll uh I'll uh, take you to the other guy's house. I go, all right. So this night he goes come out to the bungalow So we're out in the bungalow watching tv He disappears for like an hour. He comes back with this fucking tub a margin tub with water in it

And a dish with cocaine on it And he's like you want to bump but the hand I was playing I couldn't do coke in front of him Do you understand me? I was playing the hand of a dealer that was broke and I could move coke in new york I don't even do that shit. I hate that shit Oh, I see because if you do it in front of him all of a sudden boom you're following me He could tell the bullshit them so I was straight. So I'm watching this guy Doing bumps and he's doing bumps and he's having a good time also. He just freezes and he starts locking the doors All right, he starts locking the doors guys and he had like

You know when you go to Miami everybody's windows are bolted up and shit He had all that shit He turned alarms on and he would fucking walk around the house and look at all the fucking cameras And then he disappeared for 10 minutes and he came back with hanes underwear on white ones With a gun strapped on the hanes underwear with the margarine tub The reason why he had the margarine tub is the cops came he was going to flip the dish in the water That was his mentality. That's how deep he was I wasn't that deep into paranoia yet into the cocaine. I got like that 10 years later

I still wasn't in the thing with cocaine and snorkeling. What would you do if you say you dipped it into the water? You could evaporate the watering at the car I have no idea you could flip it on the carpet. I have no idea just I used to get high with another guy That used to tie a string around his wrist And tie it to the doorknob. So if somebody was opening up the doorknob, he could that's where cocaine takes you We used to do that. I when I was uh I hate to talk like this after we robbed the train in russia those two guys said that's how you sleep when you were on the train So the whole time we went through the train in

In europe me and my friends I would tie the door to my wrist So if the door opened it would pull my arm and wake me up Yes, we did that the entire time and then I always had a string with me It was the one way because that's how they robbed the train and say open the door slightly and then just crawl in And start pulling shit out. Pull your arm up. We have as soon as they open the door your arm goes up and you're fucking wide awake Well, it's crazy shit. So hey, this guy was so proud. Like he lived on the 34th floor. He used to tie uh Parachutes on his bags of cocaine

So if the cops came and he threw them out the window off the balcony That this is this is how this is where it takes your mind. But anyway, that's a complete different story here Here I am with the 60-year-old cuban with under around nothing else and a gun Right and he's walking around and he's doing coke and now he starts crawling and he's running running into a room He's doing blowing. I'm sitting there watching tv and I'll never forget the song that was on You know what the hot song was that week checker con Checker con checker con. Let me record checker con. Let me and I heard that I heard that song over and over. I stayed with him for four hours while he's doing the best blow in Miami

And I'm sitting there like a fucking priest drinking fucking soda really eating sandwiches and I'm dying inside I'm dying to do this blow and in the middle of all this I hear The gun goes off and he shoots himself in the foot and I'm like about the faint From anxiety and debt And I and his kid comes in and his wife And they're like what happened? I'm like he shot himself. He shot him to like That's the third time in two years. Look at this fucking foot He shot himself in the ankle. It was fucking crazy. The cops came. They already knew. Oh, what'd you do?

Muneco, you shot yourself again. Jesus Christ when you're gonna stop doing that shit They fucking took it. It was like another day in Miami. Jesus Christ. Oh my god. Now. I don't have a ride Now I gotta take a fucking 80 dollar cab ride. That goes my fucking coat Hey, Joey, Joey walk me. Will you walk me through your weight gain and weight loss through the years? So like when did you start gaining weight? The weight gain started 1995 in Seattle, that's when you started gaining weight. You're what you that's when I left Boulder. I was about 230 Really shoulders. I swam every day. I rode a bicycle around town When I got divorced, I was a big north bowl direct guy big

Fins to swim Goggles really three four times a week master swimming program. I loved it So then and then when you went to seattle, that's when you're with josh wolf. No weights. No weights Car no walking anymore in bold. I didn't have the phone. So I have to walk to the paint bone when you text me You know the walking disappears. It's amazing When the walking disappears when I was an open miker in new york I was slim jim magoo and you're eating a new iran. You're getting the slides You're getting the meatball hero in Harlem because you're walking your movement and it's all upheld

Do you remember what you used to call everyone? I lost all that weight and I was walking around everywhere I wouldn't I just walked to meet you. You remember you used to call the dui diet He's gonna see he didn't drive dog. Why'd you walk and I go I was just trying to lose weight. He's like, what do you want to do? Do you get dui? There's different diets for people and listen when you take walking out of your fucking patois You want to lose weight walk from fucking studio city to hollywood two times a week I almost walked here tonight and then I was like, fuck that. Oh, that's a that's a hike That's a so wait. So then so then when you went to seattle, how did you what was the seattle in the beginning?

I started gaining weight. I started fucking and sucking the stripper Once you start eating pussy is when you go limp That's the biggest weight gain in your life when that pussy's good and you're in love and you're eating bagels I was 185 when I met leah. Yeah That's the biggest. So when I met the stripper here, I am taking a little more fall out of razzle I didn't think I'm eating. I mean turkey burgers. I'm eating fucking three egg omelets for breakfast Oh my god, this chick always had a yeast infection. So I had to keep my immune system up You know what I'm saying when you're a stripper that yeast infection is alive inside you

So so how heavy when you were you when you moved to hollywood? So when I moved to hollywood, I was probably 255 Look the real from seattle from seattle a really good picture of me at stan hopes where people look at and go Wow, can you pull that up? No, no, no, nobody's got it. Rogan's got in his personal file on like 250 255 and then It really went deep and uh Probably about

2001 Was where the sleep happening in the cocaine met And I started going on the road for long periods of time the road will do it the road eating that fried food those yoda rooms in michigan Buffalo the booze the blow the blow kill you The blow unless you're out there sucking dick and smoking crack and not eating When you have a little bit of money and you do blow you bingey When you wake up you right away put 8 000 calories in your system and you go upstairs and sleep

You do that four or five days a week the results are fucking monstrous So what happened was when I got the sleep happening You're not getting enough oxygen in your blood system And all of a sudden you start creating. What's that thing you create when your body goes into panic smear Uh, uh, no, no you're talking about serotonin serotonin. So you that makes you fat as fuck So I remember getting on a scale At one time going wow josh wolf got a deal

And I got this commercial for a mobster something happened. I needed suits and I called josh like well josh I need to borrow money because you know what man? I got this deal. I'm gonna give you a present anyway He gave me 500 josh wolf's uh show on cmt starts june june 9th june night that everybody else seemed to be on the podcast next I just thought I'd throw it a plug. You want that night? No, no, you're on the first week I'm gonna do I'm gonna do like next week or the week after that. Okay. I'm doing the 11th. Yeah doing the 11th. So What was I talking about josh wolf you asked him to borrow money for a suit you asked him to borrow money for He gave me 500 bucks and I went to that three suits for 200 in hollywood You get three shirts three ties three suits a pair of shoes a belt a hat

A burger from fucking mooso and frank. Yeah, you got everything for 200 bucks But those suits are great for about two vids once after the third use you got to throw them away Once you stretch and the elbow pops out or somebody likes something flammable next to your suit Because it's always something flammable. Don't go to one of those fucking poison concerts because you'll leave there like a fucking I just want to say something cruel, but it's monday nights memorial day So then what did you so when did you you get to 400 pounds? Wait, so do you get your suits? Let me tell you guys when I went for those suits When I went for those suits, I was probably the best tonight because I know where when I went for those suits

It was probably march Let's just say 2000 Or 2001 I went for those suits. I was about 300 pounds About a month later. I went to put that suit on and I have no reason to lie to anybody The pants were two inches away When I bought those suits I fit in that pants. I bought those pants. I got them tailored for myself When I put them on two months later, I was two inches away. I couldn't even breathe the stomach in That was the sleep apnea the cocaine addiction and the diet all met at one time

And I went from my three to three 55 overnight Couldn't even wear regular clothes. I had to be sponsored by big daddy And I remember roughly was sponsored by all of us and he was sending me clothes. That's how I was living I was taking my profits from comedies snorting them and I was getting clothes from big daddy Why buy jeans when big daddy would send you those sweats in the mail? It was amazing sweats are the enabler Yeah, sweats are the friend that's like dude. No more time. How big what what year is And then I did went to houston for the holidays Pete used to book me for two weeks over the holidays

If you're a fat dude and it's in your dna to be fat and you like eating Houston should never be a stop for you at all They go deep in houston and especially if you're doing blow and drinking Okay, at least a little yeah the drinking you're waking up right away You eat paraguas instead of two eggs of oatmeal. Yeah those paraguas I throw 10 of them and three cans of coke right off the bat just a few of the diabetes and the cocaine at Seven in the morning. I'd come I'd wait. I'd even stop doing blow to go get collages And get like three jalapenos three sausage and cheese

You know 10 of them and three cans of coke and on the way stop at fucking taco cabana And get three breakfast tacos potato egg and cheese with the spicy sauce Houston, Texas got great Terrible and then you go to sleep and you wake up and you go to beavis And you get a fucking greek cheeseburger with the steak fries and the and the and the clam chowder with the fucking fishing it You know the greeks. What do you got clad throw it in there? Who gives a fuck? That shit and then that night I go by Pete and there was a chinese restaurant by Pete It was right next door. It was right next door. It was a chinese restaurant. Oh, I used to fucking love that place

Who do you think you're dealing with dog and then down the block for I'm not if you look up a if you look up disco inferno on coke case That was the first remarkable gain weight. I went from 355 to about 380 in a month Two of those weeks were in houston, texas It was on about a month ago if you ever see coke case always pop it up and see if it's disco inferno I play a cab driver That was really skinny at one time. I was a disco dancer But after the coke came back for it. I moved to philly and I become a cab driver

And I should be like casting So it was one of those I did two weeks in houston Basically got off the plane did new years with joe at melrose on saturday Slept all day sunday and I was the second scene On the first day of shooting on like the third of january. Oh, wow. It was one of those things So I didn't really get a chance to lose the sodium out of my body from eating out all the time in houston When you look at that episode of coke case You will go joe you were two weeks from dying

And right around that time when I came back was when I got diagnosed with asleep at me I finally fell asleep at where's the president clinton from Little rock. What is it? Little rock. Little rock at that funny bone that joe chadwick Boy, remember when they broke off and joe chadwick and the black bartender who robbed the bar in miami They bought a fucking mysterious funny bone at little rock and I was asleep at the fucking I was asleep at the app at the hotel and a guy came up to me. He goes, excuse me. I'm a doctor I heard you snoring when I was checking in Uh, you better go to a doctor on monday. He was just from looking at you

I could see the bags under your eyes the color of your skin You you're gonna get sick because you have sleep at neck. I hear you choking at that point. I had been thrown off a flight Restoring for for the flight took off guys. I sat down. I put my head back and I started going And they said and they're like you gotta go dog you gotta go you gotta go you gotta go get some sleep Wait a minute. No airline person says you gotta go get some sleep. It was really bad I was in united and I think I had alcohol on my breath or something But no, I wasn't drinking that morning, but you could tell I was fucked up like the night before You're not even a big drinker. So that that was no boy. I was doing blow. I drew down. Listen, you do blow. Oh, yeah

When I drew blow Budweiser cans cold like a motherfucker. Yeah, give me a case of those 12 ounces put in the freezer That was what Felipe was saying Have you got to tell him you gotta hang out Felipe as far I was listening to a part of it. It was hilarious That guy's so the but Joey and him are so authentic. Yeah, completely. I feel like you ever feel like we're kids listening I'm a total child right yeah, like when Joey tells the stories I feel like the two of us are gonna jump in with my fucking story about the time I ate a sandwich somewhere He was crazy Felipe. Yeah, like when he got down he got scary down like he went to a different place

Like really the Eddie Bravo Indian But I got two good Eddie Felipe stories one night We did a gig together, but he's hung out to do some and I bought a batch of coke Well, I thought was coke when I got to the whole time was meth. It was up in one of those Merced. Yeah They wanted those meth counties. Yeah, and I did it anyway, you know me Fuck it. You know, it's here. What am I gonna do? Get back in the car and hunt it down. Fuck it You know, that's what we got done it. Yeah, I did it and he kept I did two or three lines. I was fucked up

And he came back and I remember that I must have smoked 80 cigarettes in front of Like one after the other watching the tv show We left the door open And there was oh my god And there was a fucking female comic at the hotel that I knew I remember saying in the back of my head I'm gonna go give us a meth dick. I'm gonna wake her up because my dick was hard and fucking hell Why couldn't you just go to find more coke like actually find coke like you don't have to do that Listen, I already took me and I we got a man. Did you bust one of those Joey Diaz nuts?

Huh, I don't know what I did fucking tremendous and another night Felipe calls me up. He says hey, man. What are you doing? I go nothing He goes, uh, I'm in your neighborhood. You want to take a ride? I go. Yeah, I knew what he wanted This is when I just heard rumors. You know, yeah He had never done powder with me picks me up and I go that'll compadre like let's go inside. We got a margarita I get like on louds worth a blow. This is how bad I was And he goes you ready to go? I go. Yeah, so he was under the impression. I was gonna give him some Be getting the car. He starts the car. I start opening up packages with a dollar bill

By the third package easily looking at me like where's mine? I'm like And I just threw it and I opened the ball five packages did 20s one in a row and he goes What happened to mine? I can't give it to you my buddy drive me home And he drove me home, but he called me four days later. He goes that was fucking crazy. That's how bad I got with the blow That was Both of you guys just get down, huh? Oh He told it down. Did you hear the story about joey and uh, uh, joey and uh, Felipe did uh Did uh, a spanish-speaking talk show

Oh my god, my girlfriend's mom watches it. It's a clown with a big wig Doing like a Jay Leno thing. I'm pretending. He's not a clown joey's talking to him in cuban spanish And joey's going uh, it was I would pay money to see that. Where is that? How does I have no fucking idea? I want to find it. It's like those plantainitos or something Yeah, and what was that you guys had to do? Did you guys do stand-up or just no panel? We did like a spanish contest like a ball throwing contest Listen, it was like three grand a week before the holidays. You know what I'm saying? Sometimes you got to do it. You got to do

Both of them speak like that english spanish Yeah, yeah Like Felipe goes Felipe goes. I don't even know the word for breaks. I go what because I thought it was brakos brakos Yeah, sometimes you just It's funny how every year for a couple years I would get a cocaine gift a week before the holidays Like one time I went to do an audition and I I didn't get the part But I'm walking out some little chubby guy comes at me. So excuse me

You'd be right for a mafia commercial you're doing but it's non-union But it pays 2,500 for two days work if you know anyone Uh, what do I sign? Non-union. I don't give a fuck. You know, this is the holidays jack. That's 2,500 cash And they put us up in a hotel tremendous All the way like in Camarillo nice like fucking butlers and shit Like doctors non-union put us up Fetus it was a snickers commercial for fucking russia or something like that

And the one year I got the ski thing I got the thief Warren Miller Every year they would you did a ski thing with Warren Miller? Oh my god. They would pick a comic Every year and it was a company had a bull that did skiing And they would they would host a boat. Oh my god. Oh, you didn't you didn't ski Oh, I skied I skied while I lived in colorado for three or four years. I loved it. I love I never skied in jersey That's not skiing. Yeah, that's for your factor. That's your shit trip tank. Whatever the fuck that is trip tank killing yourself You know on purpose. There's only three states. You could ski in and have a great time like that. You know, it's Utah Oh

Wyoming has great skiing colorado, Idaho, Idaho, that's a great skiing thing, you know, uh What we talking soldier mountain, Idaho, what we talking about? Look at Lee. I have no idea Leo you holding on by a thread Yeah Pretty much now. He's as tough as fucking nails So what we talking about? I have no idea Uh, I don't remember. I don't remember. I I'm always fascinated by the the path of your your life Like uh, like the weight the weight gain and weight loss

blows me away because I don't know Tom and I deal with weight gain a lot But like I just I like I'd be dead honest with you Um I've been getting like on the road. I've been eating like shit and getting depressed the next day like going This isn't the right way to do it Listen, bro As soon as I get my attention, remember the first thing I look at is the hotel and I dial up the menu

Now at least you have an idea. Listen, we're all savages, but you know what? Listen, you could eat two ways And you can have two pieces of multigrain toast. It's the potatoes that kill you You don't have to re-slices of of of that Oscar Maya Senate cut bacon. You can have three pieces of that for breakfast and live A little fruit. That's normal. I'd love to eat the potatoes And I love the breakfast smoothie like I had and we all love that shit, but that's what kills you, bro I'm too I'm 236. I started 230 242 was this weight loss thing I did started and in a week

I got done 236, but now I'm just like kind of plateaus. I drank this week You know that you have to work out four days a week work out I work out every day have to drink water and five miles run drink water have to drink Two days a week you have to put in your mind. I gotta get I gotta that's my thing Listen, that's my thing is the drink and I get you so you have to make a deal with yourself You know, you can't drink on the fucking flight that kill, you know, that's I really genuinely wish I could do like you Just I just have marijuana be my thing But it's not that's what my brain's not wired that way. I amen. Well, that's what makes us unique that world different

That there's people like alcohol. I can't I want to do a tour bus really bad Like I was I was I was I talked to Jim Jeffries today and he was telling me exact numbers I want to do I really want to do a tour He was telling you numbers of what it cost to what it cost for a tour bus and what you what and what you got to break even Is this extraordinary? No, no 10 grand a week. I'm not no listen. Obviously, you know exactly how much money I make buns So do you Joey? I can't afford that in a weekend But if you start doing these one nighter like do a tour of one nighters or you do it at rock clubs

And well, I'm gonna do the you know, I do the call-and-sick-to-work thing So I was like I could do that every day a call-and-sick to work It doesn't matter what day of the week it is as long as it's not saturday or sunday And I was like, I gotta I really want to do a tour bus now Like while I'm young while I'm not no not not young but like while I'm enjoying comedy, you know what I mean? I was like, why aren't we doing a tour bus like like three of us or me like the three of us Why wouldn't we do a tour from like Tampa, Orlando, Atlanta, Nashville Columbus here we go. Here we go again now tomorrow. I'm gonna wake up

I'm gonna have a thousand twits when you put the tour together. No This shit don't fucking happen. Why don't we do this and I got two days of people tweeting me wasting my fucking precious space You ready Joey? What call-and-sick-to-work tour. We'll do that in the morning and then we'll do a show at night Two different clubs I'll tell you why because I'll tell you why because I can't leave this fucking place for more than three days of this Yeah, it's tough. It's tough. I don't want to be away Thursday Friday. I'm broken man. I broke that fucking bomb brother After that, I'm done. Say, what would it what would it take you to do Thursday Thursday Friday? What would it take you to two weeks in a tour bus Thursday for I don't want to snow your farts again

I'm an adult I'm an adult if we were a rock and roll band I had chicks sucking dick and I got preparing my heroin shots and cotton lines But at this point in my life, listen, just put me in the hotel and pick me up in the morning. All right Really? I want to take a shower. I don't want to be traveling. I don't want to be tracy Morgan Get hit by behind by some fucking guy in the bus when I'm trying to whack off I don't want to know that dilemma. Leave me the fuck alone Everybody calls me every two weeks with a tour and an invention. First of all, I don't like promos on a nightly

You called me about a tour. Well, it wasn't me. It was All right, first off, I do not like the three promotion The three night promotions in the city two three nights in a row on my twitter It just seems like a fucking whore. It's too much promotion. Yeah, okay It's too much and we got to make the man to steal retweet for us and all that shit I don't have it in me to drive four hours I don't have it in me to drink with people after a fucking show. I'm 52 I want to go to the room. I have a cup of coffee and pass the fuck out

I just don't have it. I wish I did and to keep this up to par Yeah, because at the end of the week, this is the catalyst, you know, these agents go you up and then And at the end of the week done for two days, I got to rush this now. I got to put somebody on I don't want I got to do this. I got to do that now They stop listening to this and my numbers go down for me to make chump change Because I want to be johnny fucking Elvis at 40 and living a fucking tour bus You got a nice life. You go in thursday. You come back saturday. You're a fucking saturday, you know You like this shit of going to a baseball game on sunday

I couldn't sit at a baseball game on a sunday. No, my wife is cooking. I can't do it I there's no club in the country that I want to work on a sunday. Yeah, and that's your I didn't know you you had so many gold teeth. Oh, these guys johnny pimp. Yeah, this is track Jesus. Yeah, are those new No, they're always been there. I'm thinking about you look like fucking edger and james I can't go on for it. I can't go out on the road give you three weeks and guarantee i'm gonna give you Nine great shows right really? I can't do it no more. I don't want to ever burn out burt I don't want to burn out three weeks I don't want to be like these guys that that's what it becomes and then it becomes the end all be all

And now you're 52 you got two kids you got a mortgage and this is all you got you moved here To do something here. You didn't move here to go out there. If not, let's end it Let's shake hands move to houston move to nashville and cut your travel time You moved here to shoot a pilot on thursday to shoot the travel channel to fucking pop an occasional movie or something You didn't move here to go out every eight weeks on the road unless you're bill burt Selling out 18 nights in a row. Yes at the fucking wilbur theater when you have those numbers But he did time 19 shows sold out the wilbur, but that takes time That's a process. That's movies that everything comes together. Yeah, i'm so confused

So bird at 19 shows 19 sold out shows 10 days Yeah, and or like like two monday two tuesday two wednesday two thursday like that in at the wilbur theater in boston Yeah sold that it's a that it's just over a thousand seats each each show So he sold like 19 000 tickets Holy shit I feel like i just been slacking on my stand up Like I feel like I I listened these guys. Yeah, but you you say you said it before But you're out all over the world shooting tv like you can't keep that up

You can't burn. Listen, you have to focus on one. I know you can't nobody can But why you it's not why you're doing the travel show you're panning at night. You don't have time while they're dry I gotta go to the room. I got a pen for an hour because that pen Uh, uh, what's his name ronnie dang if you didn't do comedy for a few years But he kept panning. Yeah, so even though you're not doing that when you pan sometimes it's just as valuable Yeah, just keep panning something happening. You're hanging out with these fucking Puerto rican something how to happen You're hanging out with a bunch of arabs something how to happen Something how to happen something happens every day in your life that sometimes you don't write down or we miss

I'm the fucking number one guilty part of that But don't ever feel you're slacking when I'm working on the movie. I just I just see all you the guys on the road I feel like I feel like I I I come back and I get on the road for like two weeks a month But i'm not on all the fucking time, you know, yeah, but let's say when I get on the move When I get on the move, let's say I got a movie five days in New Orleans. Yeah most assholes 90 90 90 percent of the comic would go I'm not making that much money on the movie. Let me go book a comedy night Then you book three fucking nights in New Orleans now you're out till 12 and you're shooting a movie with fucking whoever

You're getting the opportunity of a lifetime when I shoot a movie. Guess what everybody else sucks my dick I'm shooting a movie. Yeah, if at the end of that movie I want to do a weekend in New Orleans like I did then it's done But I don't mix apples and oranges. I used to and I used to get a shitty result Why are you getting a shitty result for the most of it to me right now? When I'm out the third week in a row That Thursday, I'm feeling it I'm feeling my jokes

Start to feel kind of like they're on play press play. I feel that's it. That's when it's all once I feel that That's it. That's why I told you go listen Don't back to back me no more every other Don't give me three weeks off to recoup my to get a feel for this Yeah, and then let me put me out and I appreciate the work. Don't get me wrong I just can't cover the spread no more, but I know this going in. I want to keep this fresh I don't want to come in here on a sunday get get home packed eat and then come here at eight o'clock Because I got to leave on wednesday because rosemary wants me for bob and tom. Fuck you bob and tom to suck my dick

I'm going in thursday. I might be it. Do these go in go out to end date No, these go out monday monday night and wednesday night, but you know, I don't want to do two pot again If I got to come in here monday and then tuesday I want to even keep this motherfucker fresh. Yeah, I want to space it I don't want to come in here through two in a day and then the law the law of diminishing return I want to yeah, I was gonna I was gonna law of diminishing returns I was the biggest whore in the world and got me nothing for years everybody goes. You're a hustler Yeah, I could throw down with the best one. I could get that schedule. I could film my schedule

Eight days a week. I could call every club owner. You don't know how I do it But I can't do it. Yeah, I know that by the fifth week I'm on stage giving you a bullshit show. I'm gonna yell at a heckler that used that on yell at Yeah, you know, you're the one that convinced me to cancel my sunday shows Now I do it now. I know it now. I do it now. I do it either sund thursday or sunday Sometimes it's easier for me to stay with the girls, you know on thursday if i'm coming in late, but uh The girls will love to have you but the girls remember sunday dinner There's nothing like sunday dinner in the american culture. Nothing like it

Nothing like sunday dinner in the american culture. I gotta ask you something and we spit at it And then when everything goes sour, we sit there. I don't know what happened We've disrespected our own culture Sunday is that's it. I don't listen. I don't give a lesson Listen, I'm not doing the midnight show. I got shit to do in the morning when I get there My kids don't understand that I made the midnight show They don't understand that I work and that this is provided. They don't understand that concept You know what they understand daddy wasn't there on sunday

I saw and this is what I know from blowing a marriage and blowing a relationship and blowing a relationship with my child I'm not talking out of my ass and this is what I've seen over the years through other comics Because there's no woman as much as she loves their kids when you're calling the going I'm in beirut dancing with a bunch of heave girls And she's at home at an art class With fucking isla getting thrown fucking m&m's through the fucking neck You understand me and you're telling her how much can a woman tolerate that? How long will you tolerate that at home? You know, I'm in porta rica with three natives drinking pina coladas wait till you see me on trip tank

And here I am at home with Shit, I'm gonna piss my ass. Where's fucking what's his name? Where's tony benica? Memorial day weekend guys Is the only person I I swear to god The only person I know that can take me from really really listening to like uh to like laughing hardest. Fuck It's tremendous guys. Are we leaving? No, okay No, we're here. We're drinking wine. You got the uber, right? All right, uber. You want to smoke another joint? No, fuck. No, man. No, no, no

You're all right. You want a piece of edible that edible with six thousand milligrams. Jesus. There's second one That's the second one we want. Do you ever no, I really want to know this Do you ever go like I'm too fucked up from your edibles ever does that thought ever cross your mind happens every day? But asking what he does when that happens I wake up my brush off and I go back and get the line that bit me But I take a few days off my regroup. Do you really when I go to acupuncture? She cleans my adrenals out. She cleans my gallbladder and that's what the thc develops. It sits there like a glue So when I go to her before I yours must be like fucking oil But I've been running like

What happened? I've been running this machine for so long. I can't stop this motherfucker now The body's got this glue everywhere. Yeah, and now you just got to learn how to maintain it You can't let it cross over into the danger zone. I got to keep it like tom cruise before you got the Do you ever get tired of fucking hanging out after the shows? I see I can't believe you're stamina for that um Yeah, yeah, I don't know you the one that brought that up to me though Like I I just because I'm like you in this sense is that I am like let's go back to the I want to go back to the room. You know, I mean like after the show

You're a fucking all-nighter. Yeah, I spend I spend the night with this I tell everyone if you come to my late show, I hang out with you. I'll hang out. I don't know how you do it Um, I don't know how you don't get just I used to do it too guys. I used to do it. I can't Yeah, you because because I see both I was I said to you. Yeah, I can't believe you don't do it Because I when I go done it get down my second show my first show I sell shirts or whatever and books And then I go back to the green room and chill for a second Then after the late show I go out to the bar. I tell everyone but Man, I don't have this is going to sound massively insecure

But I didn't have this purity in my material that you may have the both of you have Because I always felt like the only reason I was there successful drinks You know because I was because well, no, but the truth is when I first started headlining um One of I heard Pete as a matter of fact Pete is exactly said he goes, you know, man, you've got a big drinking crowd That's good for a club owner because people's gotta got to move drinks and he's like you move drinks And I was like, yeah, and then david tell randomly said to me you can't count in miami one weekend He goes you can't count on the

On the club owner watching your set. You cannot count on the club owner knowing good comedy What you can't count on is that the club owner knows how much booze you sold and you sell a lot of booze And you'll fucking keep working. Yeah, and I and that's always been my love So in a weird way and I remember tony badino telling me in chicago. He goes, um Nothing for nothing, but when you hang out saturday night, I get like an extra Four grand and he's like and it's not not a lot, but it just adds to your weekend of sales Makes you a better comic. I tell you that all over the country. Tell them to hang out for an extra hour So I always I always tell people that you're like i'm having a drink on stage. So that moves booze too, right?

Oh, why? Well, yeah, I drink on stage. I usually I do a shot or a pound of beer when I get on stage But then but that's the deceptive thing not to like let the canary out of the mind But like I only have one beer when I on my first show Yeah, no, I'm not serious great But and then I and then I'll have a one beer on my second show and maybe a couple shots Maybe I don't know who knows I I'll be honest with you I'm kind of in a way jealous of it like because I sometimes will be like all right. I'll have a drink with you guys and Literally eight seconds in I'm like I gotta get out of here

Oh, really because I feel like if they're waiting for me to be entertaining is I'm not gonna entertain them But we're different dudes Of course, but but we're different dudes like like me you and joey are the same guy Yeah, but we're all very different like joey's joey's very honest. I'm not very honest. I'm not very honest I'm really not I'm really not, you know, you guys know me pretty well. This is honest right now I'm not I'm not honest right now, but I'm not very honest like like if joey said burr. Tell me what Uh, dot dot dot dot dot is I'd be like I I'd be like I don't like confrontation Like the most of the times when I hang out with joey and I'm being dead serious

I kind of listen to joey and let him Tell me like remember when we first talked about our whole month like I kind of did therapy with you But I would tell you things and I listened to you very honestly Like but I would never confront anyone. You don't you don't have a problem confrontation nor does joey Uh, I have I have less of a problem with confrontation than you do. Yeah, not I'm not as Comfortable with it as joey joey has no problem No, no, I was always very polite No, yeah, yeah, something happened the other night that I feel really bad about what and I told Lee what happened

I don't know how and I felt bad because I know it's gonna come back to bite me and he has it always doesn't like It's the second show saturday We just take pictures for everybody Uh Hugging, you know the whole thing and then me and lee are like, oh, let's go for a walk and I call Lee and leaves at the buffet with talking lair Who a friend of ours and security the main man and they're hanging out and I'm sitting there by myself waiting for him And I'm watching I'm at the sports book. Am I drinking not at all?

I think I have a water and I'm watching whatever is coming up on the sports book I'm watching pieces of the ufc. I'm watching the baseball game. And you know like when you're just I don't know how to say this when you're just in a fucking your uh, what do gentiles call it when you're Gentiles D whatever decompressing. Yeah decompressing. I was just decompressing after the show winding down winding down And you don't know where your mind is that your mind is nowhere and that is a great The best feeling the only thing that that is a true pleasure in comics is decompressing after a show is so great So in the middle of my decompression a guy comes up to me goes. Hey

Hey, you're the comic man. I was gonna go see you, but I didn't know who you were Right and uh, oh nice to meet you, sir. Yeah, you know, maybe come tomorrow night to 7 30 show. I'll put you on the list Yeah, but why should I come anyway? It says you in the movie grudge match. That's a really shitty movie But I don't have to tell you you were there. I mean, I'm a boxing writer and uh As a boxing writer, I mean the Nero should have been beat up and I'm sitting there All right, you know, and he was So he's white like his wife is in the midst She's like laughing like giggling at like my husband is so witty. Yeah. Yeah, I'm sitting there guys. I'm 52

Okay I've heard it all and I've eaten a lot of shit in my life And I made a promise when I got clean off coke. I wasn't gonna eat shit no more at no level Whether I was in hollywood on a set an agent or director. I'm done. They're fucking thieves without guns I was a thief with a gun. I don't have respect for a thief without a fucking gun So this guy gets close and he goes, you know, that's my biggest problem with comedians That whenever I bump into them and I talk to them, they're not funny You know, he goes I've been sitting here for eight minutes and you haven't said one funny thing to me

And I look at him straight in the face guys and I go why don't you take a fucking walk Take a fucking hike. He thought it was a joke. He's like, oh Oh and his wife and like You know, I don't have to go any and I'm gonna take a fucking walk guy I'm sitting here minding my own business. I ain't bothering no, but I just did a show I just took pictures. I'm just sitting here minding my own business. You gotta come and assault me You know, he says to me he was like I basically do whatever I want

And he starts giggling again And I go do me a favor because he started like protecting himself like just talking Just trying to talk himself after the whole and I wasn't even having it guys There was no apology. Listen, take your bullshit somewhere else And I told him take a fucking hike and he stopped me. He goes, are you serious? And I go get the fuck out of here And he looked at his wife like I was a martian and they just walked away I didn't want to fuck. What is that? Yeah, what is that confrontation? No, no, no, no

I don't know that confrontation feel badly about that He was older than I was he I was raised to respect people right now that guy's an asshole I just and then I thought about the Joe Rogan thing 10 years ago old people are assholes that grew old I thought about that right away and I and that made me feel a lot better But that's not the school of thought I was raised. No, you didn't you didn't do anything wrong. You shouldn't feel that I was that confrontation Well, that's confrontation. Yes, but it's not it's it's like you got any cheese left in there? No, you have a couple grapes like I'm julius

I don't lose my my head over that I lose my head over like when I talk when I talk shit to people When I'm drunk and I know there's probably a camera on me Oh, sure. Yeah, like that happened at the mall of america. Yeah, I totally the guy was like I hit the button They closed the hotel 12 And they closed hotel and so I hit the button and the guy Are you handicapped?

I was like what? He's like, are you handicapped? I was like, no He was like, then I can't let you in. I was like, oh, never mind. I'm handicapped But I did this whole spiel about being handicapped and then having a Blind guy and a guy in a wheelchair with me But I was like because the speaker thing was here. So I was like fending down to do the speaker voice and uh I got I came around the corner and the next like the guy was like, were you the guy with the handicapped guys? I was like, yeah, have you seen them?

And then he he was like we have video cameras, man And I was like fuck. I totally brit mckendry myself. Yeah. Yeah, like that's what I think I don't think about those moments like those moments. You're not being a dick. You were nice to the guy You were gracious to the guy for a while. The guy was an asshole. He's a cunt all his friends will say he's a cunt That's how it works. The reason why my mom died was the heart thing Really inside was her heart broke because my mother was a very generous person. She was raised like a gypsy My mother knew that if she made a hundred bucks and she came in the room right now She was only supposed to walk out of his room with 50 in her world. That was my mom's world

And I was raised like that to spread money. It's not about you. I got a few I get a little money extra Cut fucking Lee and cut you in that's the school and you do the same But people don't think that way So you end up getting fucked and then when you need money, they don't call you back Even though you pay for their fucking kids dental bill and shit whatever And I think the same way and and and I don't know how to fuck you guys do it. I tell you what what bill kills me There's a bill that's called the manager's bill That i'm a Cuban Jew with heart, okay? I'll pay my agent whatever I owe him if he greets a great job

I give him extra but that 15 percent of the manager's shit has always killed me Especially when they just call you with a date like when they call you and go I got more dates from grace for you You can grab your pen and you're like what? You know, I tried to tell him you needed more money, but they wouldn't budge You tried to tell him you fucking cocksucker. That's the bill that's always paid me or the bill where I'm paying you for the same job you're doing And all of a sudden wait a second. What's going on? Yeah, I'm paying for a phone call. I don't like that There was times when the the the number was okay

So I paid it because sometimes it's just good to have you around Yeah, let me give you the 10 points just to give you a little taste of what it's like, but they don't appreciate anyway So the other day I got a call and some guy says to me. Hey, I got an offer for josh wolf Uh, what do you want to do when I go not for nothing? You're not theatrical He goes, yeah, but they sent me the other no no no no no no no no no That's theatrical And someone on the line that guy's gonna go home. He's gonna see that he's gonna go where's my 10

And I'm gonna have to pay him 10 and I hung up and I felt bad the rest of the day Is that confrontational? Well, I come from that's telling people but in LA when you do that you get on the fucking shit LA is a weird place people don't like talking to you in their face. I think you know Yeah, you have to check people you have to stand up for yourself Yeah, bro, don't rape you to fucking death in this town. You learn that though. They'll rape you to death and sometimes you accept it When I was doing that blow when I was telling you guys about the blow It wasn't the blow that was killing me

It was it was what it was doing to my spirit I was letting things go because you know what if I yell at burt the cops are gonna come And I'm not gonna be able to do that package. I have tonight at the house and who gives a fuck of burt humiliates me As long as I go take that package, you know, that's how I thought about agents and people in the industry And when I stopped doing the blow that was the thing that got me past it that If I stopped doing this blow, I'm gonna act how I was raised to act So that's that's how you act now when somebody steps out of line Just a fucking fraction. I gotta nail them. Yeah, because I don't want it to grow

I rather not even let it fucking grow because in my world that shit festers in me And then one day it's like when people send me text messages Okay, I've never sent you one. It's like the people and I like like Ralphie had a Thing about leaving me messages And I go Ralphie. What's the story with the eight minute message cocoa, you know There's no need for it. I kept telling him and telling him and telling and one day he caught me after I just cut cut off My an Asian guy. So what happens now? It's your fucking bad day Now I pass it on and people are like, what the fuck? How are you talking to me like that?

I warned you 10 times not to leave me a message And you kept doing it today is my bad day now. You're gonna get I've been yelled at twice by joey for Other yeah, that was threat messages. No, but I didn't start the threat that don't matter. Don't follow it And he yelled at me last time we go to the bathroom. I'll give some shout outs and we'll move this captain along here Let's give some shout out. Are we uh, is it show over? No, no, no, no, no, no. We're doing what we're doing I don't even know how long we've been on we've been on for however. Fuck it. Let me give some shout out main shout out Goes to my main motherfucking vagus mr. Talking there running fucking security this weekend Also a big shout out to my man matt balkas are always there for us

lyricists for hire bobby sharon and crystal Greg and my fucking Greg and the asian princess up there in seattle Laura cobain keith mccabe jordan lee you bad motherfucker and my man andrew southern guys. I love you cocksuckers So it's funny when we came in here tonight Yesterday I got an email when I woke up. It was the 10th anniversary of the release of the longest yard the one I was at That fucking right is it may 25th? Does it say it? Yeah, that was labor day weekend So uh

It was funny. It was on last night on tbs and then Today I was talking to lee and I told him to put it on the beginning of it And that's where we're at. So I don't know if you guys give a fuck I want to give a shout out to give a shout out to that uh that story we went to which one oh sunset herbal sunset herbal Let me give a shout out to

Okay, you have some shout outs. Yeah, give a shout out. I want to give a shout out to the top. Uh, never mind Never mind. I just realized what I was doing Uh new podcasts are out Felipe Felipe Esparza oan benjamin and jason ellis this week. That's already up there. Go get them Jason else has just released it today. It's a fucking amazing pocket. You ever talk to jason ellis joey I was on there one time. Yeah Yeah I had a really good time with lee this weekend in vegas, uh

I was talking about that when I walked in here that sometimes you forget how much longer how much longer we get in the Pockets, so I guess for a while. I don't know Well, we gotta go. It's relaxed He's got a long day. Well, how about you day compared to mine? It's probably bad. Why what do you got to do? So he's gonna shoot a pilot. She's gonna prepare for who they couldn't do a fucking true tv. Come on. Come on, man I got a pilot with fucking history channel. This guy's No, this guy's the next fucking cypher leave him alone. Why are you picking on him for you? I'm sorry. I had a really good time You ever do something burt?

And I forgot about this quality of life You ever do something with the girls and they have such a good time. Yeah That no matter what's going on in your world Just seeing them have a good time makes you dick hard. Like you're like, this is amazing I know you've you've emissively. I know what you're saying and uh It's funny to see lee double the trampoline again It's funny to see lee in las vegas how I mean, he couldn't wait to get to the buffet like he just couldn't wait. He had buffet tickets

So are you taking lee with you on the road? No, no, no I just took him to vegas because I wanted to tape the sets and I know he enjoys it What's the difference? They're gonna give you a room anyway. He drives out. He has a good time You know, it's called making somebody's weekend. Do you know what I am like? Yeah, what the fuck? I got a room It's not like i'm told switzerland. He goes out, you know So I go lee you want to go to vegas he can't and it's and it's weird I ask him because I forget about the fun Normal people have yeah, like i'm damaged goods. I got damaged by the blow everything around my life

Early on at lee's age was surrounded by getting my dick sucked and doing blow nothing had become fun You know what i'm saying? I could stay in a closet with an asian chick Just doing blow and fucking and to me that was the best thing you guys could come to me and tell me how you went to an art exhibit I would rather have done that though. Well, no, you wouldn't have cock stuck. You would have got scared and cried And you would have never fit in a closet league. The asian chick had a big click It had to be a walking closet with tons of shoes But it's so funny how much fun I had watching him gamble and it's like a child eat fucking We had the best strawberry shortcake like new york style like old school. That was just sensational

Lee's got a lee's got a blessed life. He's a funny guy. He was he's he was on the strawberry shortcake the entire weekend Every time we'd walk by he'd like to look at it. He talked to the baker about it How much do you love it? How much do you love what you do for real? That's the best thing ever. I don't know what's wrong with the mic He has a good time man, and it's funny when you know, it's so cool. I'm saying I love they hear this somebody love you love it, right? Hell, yeah, yeah, it's the best it's okay. It's gotta be you know In a weird way. It's like I know you I don't have to I'll speak for you. Tell me but like We I know that we're both feel blessed to know joey

Oh 100 but we don't feel like In a weird way, we feel like we've earned the right to know joey. Yeah, like we're like we're letting up But like I always know you guys. No, I always feel like like I don't feel like like I always one of my favorite you stories is uh Is when you call you call one night you go, what are you doing? And I was like nothing I'm sitting in the front. You're with the girls You go I'll be I'll be over in five and you and terry and uh mercy came over and all the girls in the front You're on mere sitting on and around X and I thought and I really honestly thought I was like I'm really lucky to have this moment like a fan, but then I went in my head. I remember thinking he's my friend

Like because I want I remember I wanted to take a picture of it because that was so cool and instagram it like a fan would do Yeah, but then but then I was like, oh, this is my friend. I guess I shouldn't do that You know like I should I should just hang out with them and but it was so fun that our kids were playing together and my daughters love watching her and so and I but it's I feel like Tom and I was like I I'm lucky to know Tom But I feel like I've earned the right to be his friend. I feel like I've earned the right to be your friend It's gotta be great to be Lee who kind of you know came from out of nowhere and all of a sudden it's like Like it's it's accepted a hundred percent. I get a kick out of lee like when he gets high and starts laughing for no reason at all

It makes me laugh hard as fucking shit like when you said he had two boys Like and lee lost it. It's kind of we all got along Yeah, I felt that I knew that thing like well, I felt it with you too. We're like because I I opened You know, I would mc shows that you were on so it's like, oh, I know these this guy But like, you know, can I call him like a peer it takes like years to get to that point? You know, I mean, you saw me get slapped in the face and you were like, I was like this guy's a bitch No, but then with joey too, I met joey and I was like It's like a fucking tornado of a human being, right? Yeah, and then I go

Please like I can listen but like can I call like it takes it took a while to be like, yeah like earn The right to like call somebody right or yeah, you're kind of like intimidated and slash like impressed by them So you're like, I got fucked over by go. No, I should say fucked over. I was just like Are you leaving lee? Two comics kind of like used me to get something for themselves and I felt very used I never felt like that a very long time. They did what? Yeah, it's not it's not even that bad I made more of it than it really is because I was drunk when it happened

But they used me to get information and I got fucking pissed Where's where's the top part of his body? Yeah, that's when he gets going. That's when he comes back Look, look, look, this is for your friend Look at his face, look at his face Look at his face, look at his face Look at his face, look at his face Look at his face

Look at him, look at his face Watch out, the TV's moving, the TV, the TV Fucking hilarious guys You're the best I feel the same, I feel Listen, I'm part of the younger thing, you know, I'm older, you guys are younger So I never ever felt like, I never feel like you're 52, I feel like you're 42 I love it, I love it, I love the fact that we're all

You know, I got into this because I read a book What pushed me over the hill was the Lonnie Bruce book And I really, really believed that I was going crossing over This is what I believed in my heart guys I really believed that I was crossing over from being a criminal To join like a biker gang Like when I became a comedian, I thought I was joining like a secret society Okay, this is what I really believed

And I thought that we really had each other's backs I thought that this was the end all be all Yes And then you go on the road and you meet some dicks at some of those Yoda rooms And some of those triple rooms And he's almost sucked it I'm hoping another bottle of wine How soon are you leaving, Bunts?

I'm leaving, I'm leaving, I really do have to go Why, why don't want to go? Why, why don't want to go? He's packing up a bottle of wine, where you going? Another 10 minutes Bunts, Bunts, Bunts 10 minutes, what the fuck 10 minutes, I do what you do, you do what I do

And you meet a bunch of dicks and And then you come to LA and I was blessed to meet I go to the comedy store and meet Duncan and Joe Rogan and Ari And I had this faith and also when that thing went down with Carlos and Joe And what happened at the comedy store, everything went away I saw a comic for what he was You know, the comic tries to approach you sometimes They don't have the best intentions

And that's what always sticks out in my head is how They didn't say, you know what, you shouldn't throw Joe out, we're gonna back it They caved, that always fucked with me a little bit So that broke the, it's like for me, it was like becoming Sam and the Bo Gavano without ratting It broke my spirit when I realized it was all about money And that's it You know, when you realize it, that's when I hate comedy Is when it becomes about money

My fun times is when I could call Segura and you and go, hey man Meet me at that pizza parlor, let's go down and do 15 minutes of peace And we fucking giggle and we get high and we talk to people And we take pictures and I don't have to sell t-shirts I don't have to do nothing I could just be myself, it's when you're counting heads and this guy robbed you last time That's when it becomes a chore It's like you can make a million dollars a year as a comic

But I either respect you or I don't respect you That's the truth That's definitely the truth I don't give a fuck That's the best part about comedy though The best part about comedy within comics is that you don't, you don't hold Comics to the standard that society does, which is how successful are you on paper You hold it differently because you either respect that person or you don't

It has nothing to do with their income Yeah, and there are guys that don't make a million dollars out of respect Of course There's guys, a lot, all the guys that probably, most of them are the guys that respect don't make a million dollars Yeah The guys that make a million dollars, sometimes they're the first ones you disrespect You're like, I don't like the way you came about I respect the open micers now because I know how hard it is for them now

I feel bad for feature acts now Dude, I feel hard for feature acts The most least And you know what, I wish I You take care of them now more I only started, I shouldn't talk like that But I only started tip of people because you said to Really?

Yeah, I'd never tipped a feature act in my life They used to get 5 bucks And sometimes I forget I just, only because I don't tip is because I forget sometimes No, I know But like, usually I'll tip the way staff 100 bucks at the end of the week The whole staff?

The whole, everyone gets 10 bucks Because I don't know, I don't know how to do it Yeah, sure But I don't know who's waited on me or who's got me drinks And then usually I'll give the whoever's feature for me like 200 bucks It's not a lot of money But I'm making a dick a little money No, but you're helping out

That's what I, I just try to, I don't go like crazy I just try to help out I figure you pay for a little bit for the flight or whatever I've like just started doing stuff, you know I'll make a ton of money It's interesting, I used to think that I would The money would grow exponentially But I think my money's, I actually, I don't know

Now I'm gonna show myself I think my money's past my talent What? I feel like, I don't know I don't know, I'm not like you though, man We're different people You believe more in yourself than I believe in myself Come on

Nope That's not, that's not true Promise you that 100% That I believe more in myself I've had more conversations with your wife Where I know who you are, more than I know who I am 100% You believe more in yourself than I believe in myself

100% What, where do you see your, your, your Your shortcoming Because I, I see you do this on a podcast Where he's just talking on the phone This is a great podcast No You believe in your worth more than I believe in my worth

Like if someone said to me, in all honesty If someone said to me I can't, man, we'll have to get into a dollar number to prove this But like, but like, I know for a fact that you believe That you can go out and do rock clubs and you'll sell them out I would never believe that myself I just would assume I'd get there and no one would be there I would never, never believe that

I don't believe in myself at all Yeah, but I had the same panic thought before the show Right And then you get there and it's, and it's all right And you're like, oh cool, like it worked out I would have never done that But you could do it I could, but I still would never do it

Because I'd rather a club fucking four wallet for me And know that there will be people there for me to perform in front of Like I don't know, man, I, I think it's generational a little bit I think that you grew up in a time where Um, this, not punk rock is the wrong way to say it Because it's not, that's not what it is Right But like entrepreneurial stand-up

Where you looked at, like, because you guys were ahead of the, the podcast game I want to ask you a question, not to intervene with this Shoot, shoot, shoot, yeah How long have you been doing comedy for? Six, sixteen years Okay I want you to rate from one to ten The first seven years of your comedy career, how hard did you work?

Um The truth The truth Seven years How do you think about the same? Oh, I worked a lot harder than I worked No How much, how hard did you work?

How many nights did you go home and you could feel You, you, it was like a girl cheating on you How bad I'm going to give it, I'm going to give it, I'm going to give me a seven Only because I believe, I believe I'm an eight But I would never say that about myself Did you, did you think, you ever have, you ever have a girl cheating on you? You ever been loving a girl cheating on you?

You know what that feels like? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Is that the feeling you had when you wanted to be that good in comedy? Did you ever get that frustrated? No, of course, yeah, of course When you're fifth or sixth year, then you shouldn't always value your worth I didn't do a lot of things, I didn't go to Montreal, I didn't do Letterman I haven't taped an HBO special or special at all

But I know one thing in my career I worked Yeah I fucking worked, I've been on buses, I was telling Lee I used to take a bus from here, El Paso is a feature act That's from El Paso to New Hampshire What? Take the southwest, that was the cheapest flight available You forget Logan, I would go into New Hampshire

And then I would work Boston, take a bus to Maine From Maine, take a bus to Syracuse Syracuse, Rochester, Buffalo That's when you, before 9-11, you would go into Toronto I would sneak in through the casino and then take a bus to Ontario And work that place for 800 a week to headline You had to stay there for two weeks to sleep with the creepy uncle in his house And he drove porn

I told that he drove fucking pokers that night, the retarded brother You have no fucking idea Taking buses between Rochester Then coming over and going all the way to New York And doing rascals and doing the city clubs and getting fucking bombing And then taking a bus to DC Improv and getting fired Because the headliner wanted a clean feature And then taking the bus to Myrtle Beach

Then getting a flight, unlike fucking Spirit Airlines for $2 To Miami and doing the Improv for two weeks And then doing Uncle fucking Funnies when it was in What, Funnies? That was a dump, that fucking hole, what was the name of it? Imboka No, no, no, Uncle Funnies was Dorfman's first club I thought it was Imboka

No, it was right outside where the Dolphins practice Where the Dolphins practice in that facility right there But that was the roughest week ever And then he had the other one in West Palm Beach Where I got high with a chick from Night Court And he fired me, Dorfman told me I couldn't work that club no more And he spread the rumor that I was doing blow And it was because I-

The rumor? Yeah The fuma, whatever the fuck it was Davis? Huh? Davis, Florida? Davy, Florida Davy, Florida, you check out

What the fuck you thinking dealing with some novice guys? I would bust it everywhere and I would call Yoda the whole time Going to Seattle I've never done a Yoda run I kind of want to do a documentary of- You have a fallout, you have a fallout And I would take buses to Michigan Inside Indiana, Wisconsin

I worked for that guy when he pay you with the gun on the table In Minneapolis Milwaukee Milwaukee That's what the jerk called JD JD from the fucking biker gang Why were you in the gun on the table? Oh my god

He was a gangster man How did you handle the gun on the table guy? I handle people gun on the tables It's Joey, it's Joey I didn't even look at it Wait, did you do work for him? No, I never worked for him I worked for Teddy

You heard my story, right? There was two people who put guns on him And the jerk walked in front of them From Chicago No, the guy from Chicago Which one? Grant Grant

Grant Oh, he put that guy? Grant used to put a gun on the table For Riddles? Fuck Riddles And he put a gun on the table That motherfucker was a check bouncing motherfucker

And then he said to me one time He goes, what do you want? Cash or check? And I went, oh In my head, I thought it was more Sort of followed me on a check I go check, definitely check And Leanne goes, why the fuck would you get a check at cash?

The check's gonna fucking bounce It bounced Yeah, it bounced It bounced No, maybe it didn't I don't remember But I think Capurulo's bounced And that was the beginning of the end

What was it? What was it? What were we just talking about? Guys with guns JD's So we're going to JD's It's the Jameson Comedy Tour And it's me, Steve Byrne

Danny Bevins and Billy Gardel And the second we roll in I'm closing the show Because I'm the loudest of the group And so JD says, I don't know That guy's not closing Billy Gardel's closing And Billy is the guy

For you guys that don't know There's a guy named Billy Gardel He's all Mike and Molly He's Mike Not Molly And so So he's like, he's like, yeah Don't worry

Bert will close the show He says, no I don't know who Bert is You're closing the show He fucking hated my guts Until the very end of the night Last week Someone said he was in the outlaw biker gang

JD's had a stroke, I think Yeah, he died Oh, he's in bad shape He's in bad shape Yeah, he's a good guy I like that So we go out to the thing And I said, so JD, you're in outlaw, huh?

Which you don't say to a biker And he goes, excuse me? I said, you're in the biker gang Outlaw Like, I'm being such a fucking guy in a movie You're in the biker gang In the outlaws You're the square guy

And he was like, what do you know about the outlaws? I said, my dad represented them in Florida I said, Slowpoke and Lefty And JD goes, you're our Christchurch kid What? I swear to you I swear to you And he goes, are you fucking kidding me?

God damn it, we come in the office You be that little kid, that's you? I said, yeah, in Tampa There's a bunch of guys that we're gonna have to rest in Jacksonville On this big case, my dad represented them And my dad would talk about the fucking biker gang And I remember the names Your dad knows some unsavory shit about these guys

And this guy went, are you fucking... And he started bringing motherfuckers over I remember it was snowing Because he had an escalade Do you remember that? And it was always clean as fuck And he was like, come on over, come on over He goes, his dad was a lawyer for the fucking outlaws

And I remember, and then all of a sudden next week I got an offer to do a weekend there 1300 It was 1300 for like fucking seven shows almost And you had to stay at that condo I know, he stayed at a hotel I didn't go back, I didn't go back Oh my gosh

I made a bet with the bar staff that on Sunday I'd make $100 for tips in everyone I promised them And I said, if I'm wrong You guys all have to get naked on stage But if I'm right, I'll get naked on stage And you can take a picture with me And I was wrong

They didn't make $100 And JD goes, take your fucking clothes off And I was like, I was like a joke bat JD, I was trying to raise their tips And he was like, take your fucking clothes off So there's a picture of me naked on stage With everyone from Joker Joker or something, whatever it was called

Comedy club, what was it? I don't know, I don't fucking know What are we worried about? That's how I value, that's when I Tom, don't, don't, don't get, no Why, why, why? I do, I do That's when I feel, listen brother

What's 15 minutes? Good luck to you Thank you, brother Let us know what time it starts, Tom What time, what night, when is this pilot premiere? Oh no, I'm just going to shoot it So I don't know What's the promise?

It's about me and Christina Oh, seriously? Yeah Is it like a scripted? Yeah, yeah This would be fun Nice Yeah

You know, for months people started hitting me up Going, what do you know about it? I didn't even know Yeah And then somebody told me through TV Listen man, you've paid your dues, you deserve it Thanks buddy I ain't mad at you

Go get your fucking paper cock sucker Tom Segura It's your mom's house Christina's podcast is That's Deep Bro That's Deep Bro Yeah That's Deep Bro's rated higher than your mom's house

You know that, right? No Yeah, always Really? Your mom, that's Deep Bro is one of the highest rated comedy podcasts It's a great, it's a great one I've had people that don't do my podcast Say how great that podcast is

You know what, it's really funny We'll do the podcast live, your mom's house live And people will come up to us And I'll be like, how's it going? Thanks for coming They're like, I really like that's Deep Bro more I'll be like, thanks a lot man And then they'll be like, we came out kind of hoping to see that

I'm like, we didn't advertise that Like you're telling me how disappointed you are Yeah Like you wanted to see a different movie Like I told you where you were seeing it Be honest, when was the last time you got 69? 69? I'm gonna be honest

I know that it was, we, it's I'm gonna say Six years, at least six years No, it's been, it's not that long 69 Yeah, it's not that long No, it's been a while, but not that long The sex position?

69, yeah, yeah Why are you asking a personal ship when it's one? He's fuckin' burnt Because we were talking about 69, you were talking about 69 earlier Here's what's important man What? June 11th, I'm at Stand Up Live in Phoenix Oh, sure

Are you? Yeah, and June 13th Are you going in to do a Just one show One night One night It's a savage June 11th, June 11th, Thursday

It's a Thursday It's a Thursday Are you going in to do press that morning? No, I'm just flying in that day and doing the show Do press that morning, do that KDKK You think so? KPUWD KUD

I'm fuckin' the name up, but do it It's such a great show No, I've done it, I love that show Yeah, it's a great fuckin' show And Calgary June 13th, two shows at the Laugh Shop Jim Jeffries' family's from Calgary He's on my podcast next week

I love fuckin' Is he doing it? He already did it, I did it with him today Oh, you gotta tell me about the tour bus thing I'm gonna do a tour I'll leave with you, do me a favor I'll take you You guys are the best

I love you, I love you Thank you, you're my best to your wife Good luck with this fuckin' thing Thanks, brother You don't want to start a go? No You gonna shave the beard for the fuckin' pile? Yeah, one of us has to pick the beard

Because we look too similar I don't want to have like sehan sehan and shit Whose keys are those? Lee's The Lee's are right Thanks, brother No, that's the problem I bumped into Slash one night

Like in 98, Joe took me to Riviera And it was for the dirty show And I bumped into Slash I saw him at the airport And then I saw him walking around in the afternoon I went up to my room It was my first time in Vegas to do calm I couldn't sleep

I went walking around And there he was at the bar by himself And I went over and said hello And told him that he was at one of my shows At the Union one night with Paul E. Shore The Union? And he started talking to me And I asked him what happened to the singer

And he goes, can I ask you a personal question? How are you doing with comedy right now? Are you doing well? I go, I'm not doing good at all I just moved here I've been a pilot But whatever, I'm still getting $15 a spot He goes, these are going to be the best times of your life

You're going to remember these times This is what matters Always savor this Because later on when you make money You're going to question it That's what happened to the singer He started questioning And also when he started looking for spiritual answers

And why he did what he's doing And he really believed You know sometimes Is my mic on or is it low? Put it a little loud And I'm like, sometimes man, you see it Like the other night I love Jimmy Fallon

I mean, is he Johnny Carson? Fuck no Is he Dave Letterman? Fuck no But it's 2015 And he put something different You know, he does sketches And he sings with people

And he does kind of cute stuff sometimes That even I tolerate And I'm not a half a fucking brook cake I tolerate I'm like, you know what? I see where he's coming from as a comic I still remember him going into the improv with a guitar He had that fucking manager lady

That was a savage 15 years ago in LA That shit got him from point A to point B like that I still remember him doing sets at the improv Coming in with the guitar Jimmy Fallon I never saw that So this is 97, 98 and I never saw him again And then he had Sting on there My personal opinion is Sting

I love music But he's a fucking scunt He broke apart one of the greatest bands The police is a fucking amazing band But he's such an ego He's such a fucking comp ego That it leaks out of his pores Me, I get it

So I gave him the benefit of the doubt He's such an ego that he even killed Jimmy Fallon's touch Like Jimmy Fallon even felt insecure You can see it I had to go down and hang out with you guys Because you know, I was really That's, I don't know what my point is But that's how much of a fucking kiss at death he was

Like that ego will kill you That's a little too much ego But that's why I don't When I got a residual check from Spider-Man 2 And it's 14 grand I got two options I go question how the fuck I got this And start a bunch of blowing and start crying

And walking around like the guy from Nirvana Or I could just suck it in and move forward Have you seen that document? Yes, I have Shocking Did we talk about that already? No, no, no, but I saw you tweeted something Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Montage the heck It's fucking insane It's, you know, you forget just exactly how good Nirvana was Tremendous Amazing Kurt Cobain was amazing With just fucking hardcore riffs With great vocals

Great vocals, great lyrics Amazing And Dave Grohl was the quintessential drummer of that time Didn't say shit Oh, it was fucking amazing, man And that, but that, when you watch him Like nodding out on heroin It breaks your heart, it breaks your heart

You go, god damn it, man And no, no, I've never been there I've never been there with my kids I can see it I still remember Guns N' Roses Winning the Grammys And being fucking just glee Just gone

Falling all over themselves Smoking cigarettes Nodding and shit At the Grammys At the Grammys Fuck all these clean acts New kids on the block with haircuts and shit These motherfuckers were fucked up

You'd sit there and you'd go, wow That's amazing Now, can they handle it? Guess what, they're still here Yeah Errol Smith, can they handle it? Guess what, they're still here You know, Led Zeppelin

You know, half of them are fucking gone I don't know who's, I don't know who's Georgia to the monkeys today Oh, Jesus Christ Here we come Oh, Jesus Christ Like, and Georgia was like, I don't get it And I was like, god damn it

This is the first iteration of the boy band This is the first example of like Producer makes the boys who sing the songs that they write And then they try to get the power And then they kill it And it was a TV show and I was like I was like, George, I don't know if I can tell you about this This is too deep

Like, this is, and I literally was sitting there I partied pretty hard last night And so I was like sitting on the couch with her We were cuddling and watching it And I was like, I was like, baby, this is the next level Like, I can't, I don't know what to tell you about this I could just enjoy it for what it is Yeah, we'll look at your children and see their future

Yeah, it's, it's I'm doing Felipe's podcast tomorrow. Are you gonna do it with me? No, I got a thousand things to do tomorrow I'm waiting for the answer I'm waiting for this answer right now from this guy He just texts me now to see if I can meet him tomorrow You ever look at your kids and kind of in a way see their future I do, I do with Isla

I don't know what Georgia, I don't know what Georgia's gonna do But I can see Isla's not going the right path I can see his Why do you say that? You know, you know Isla No, Isla's just a free, beautiful child She's a free, beautiful child That's gonna end up a drummer and a fucking lesbian band

Like she's not gonna be like a doctor or lawyer You know, I just don't, I don't see her taking the conventional path I think what she respects in life is not what the average child respects in life You know, like today we're, my hands are all painted because I don't want to, I bought these spray paints that go on shirts She wants to make shirts for me of animals That she'll draw a stencil from the animal and then she wants to make shirts But she's only eight

Like it's like a entrepreneurial angle for her But she doesn't know that you can make money of it She just knows that she wants to do it So she made these owl shirts with the letter B in the center of the owl This looks so badass I was like, I was like, I was like, how are you doing this? And then she was just like, really like, do you remember like Bob Ross? Do you remember that guy?

That painter Bob Ross? It would be like, would the Afro, they'd be like Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah I would just take a fucking Like I, there was this black one she did that had an owl in the center on a gray shirt And had the letter B in the center of the owl in like stencil And then she just took the color blue and sprayed it all over And it looked badass and I was like, fuck, that's not a regular brain

That's, that's her brain I can't fuck with that brain And I don't want to fuck with it But also part of me wants to go, hey, make sure that brain is taken care of In case the artistry doesn't come out I don't want her to be addicted to, you know, fucking pills or heroin or coke No, no, no, as long as you give her love She's not going to have any doubts

She's like you Joey, like, like you, you're one of those guys that uh You and her, you and her are very similar And I've said this for a long time to you, I think But like, she loves hard, she doesn't love like, on the peripheral You either know she fucking likes you, or she doesn't like you You know, like uh, you're one of those people that my dad, my dad loves But my dad doesn't love a lot of people But he knew that you respected him and that you had love for him

And so in a weird way you guys connected And so it's like, that's like Allah I didn't know, now I love him more I didn't know he was that type of lawyer Yeah That's a heavy type of lawyer It takes a heavy person to be That my secret dream, if I ever get reincarnated

I want to come back as a top notch attorney I'm talking a top notch attorney Defense, yeah Three or four huge clients that keep gonna retain her And you just fucking are their mouthpiece for life I listen, it's gonna cost you But you call me at five in the morning I'm Tiptoe Magoo

I'm right there with you, banging it out in the fucking jail That's the kind of, because I saw it I saw that kind of representation to my mother Sam DeLuca was the best attorney I ever saw in my life growing up And he represented fucking killers And he kept them aside He drank at their bars He drank alongside with them

And it takes a certain demeanor to have that To have people like that respect you Because after a while they'll say, fuck this guy, we'll stiff him Yeah You gotta keep them paying you An attorney is a very weird occupation It's not what people think on paper For you to be a good fucking attorney

You gotta know how to cross the line Who would have been a great attorney Oh, I know I would have, I love it Who would have been a great attorney My dick gets hard thinking about it I couldn't have done the work to get there though The work would have been hard But once you get that work down and you start li-

Listen man, they pay you to find loopholes That's a great job Which is something I'm bad at But by doing working that muscle, you get better at it By doing math and working that muscle Maybe a little fucking jiu-jitsu to get your mind thinking You've been doing jiu-jitsu a lot lately, huh? I'm fucking terrible

I'm fucking terrible, it's amazing I'm so glad I came by tonight Yeah, me too I was kissing the girls goodnight And I uh, I saw you, I saw you call And I went, oh, I missed this call And then my periscope came up And it's Joey Diaz's live

And did you know this? And then I saw you getting high before the show And I went, what's he, where's Joey at? In my head, I was like, I know we're right near each other Where I'll go right over there And then you were like, Tom Segura's coming over And I was like, oh fuck, we had talked about that I was like, the podcast

So I called you up, I go, hey can I still come over? And I kissed the girls goodnight And I just got in an Uber, it came over Thank you, thank you And I was like, god I'm fucking so glad I did this It's such a great night And you came prepared, you came with ammunition I brought booze, I'm not going to lie

Did you Uber, did you Uber it? Uber it, I always Uber it Well, look at ya Yeah You Uber at least I have No, Joey's not a huge fan of Uber So really? I'm sure I am

Not for you to Uber Because I want you to be mentally tough You don't need to Uber, you're a fucking Animali Oh my god What happens? Lee, how long have we been doing a podcast? This one? Yeah

We're almost at 300% No, no, no, no No, right now? We're two and a half hours We're going to shut off here in about 10 minutes What do you think, guys? I've had a fucking blast Oh, me too

This is I really have, man, I'm so blessed I've been in my life, Joe Oh, really? It's 153 Yeah, this is, listen, man, a podcast is basically tapping into a good conversation It shouldn't be forced

It should be very generic The podcast I enjoy is just generic conversations You can tell when you put a comedian on He's trying to overdo it Just talk, you know I tell you, man, I really regret I regret not reaching out to people I don't know more Felipe was probably, other than meeting you

Was the realest person I've ever met Like, when I remember when I met you The first words you said were Dog, you ever break into a chick's house Need to put you on a quailude And I fucking fell apart You're like, new, loosey, snow bush And that is the fucking

I remember saying to Joe that night We were sitting outside the thing I go, that's the realest fucking guy I've ever met in my life Like, I feel like a phony Standing next to him Because everything he says is so genuine And Joe's like, dude, it's Joe Diaz That's next level

Like, I mean, that's not his exact words But, and then meeting Felipe I was blown away I was like, I was like And he was like, oh, good friends with Coco I like it just And I really love that in people And that's what podcast brings out to me

Is real motherfuckers that would have never gotten a voice You know what I mean? Like, you can't be you on morning radio No, no, no, no, no, no, no I tried Comedy, I was telling Joe and I was talking to Ari And if you're a fucking idiot If you don't know this

Comedy's at an all-time high People are going out every night to watch comedy People have, we're like, it's back It's back in full motion You know, it really fucking is back But we don't know what that lead Is that an accent? Just listening?

No, no, no And this is what's happened for a long time For a long time People would sit at home And they'd only see the comics that they see on Comedy Central And that's great There's some great comics on Comedy Central But there's also some fucking shitty ones

But that's where America thought it ended And all of a sudden this thing Social media popped up And YouTube popped up Now you can look up these comedians Now feature acts have a fan base And what the fuck are we talking about here, Lee? I don't know

So, I think we're all in the Now what's happening is You're introduced to comics You would have never met before So for all this time You've been meeting these comics That you think are goody-goody goody-goody two shoes And all of a sudden this new brand of comedy comes

That some of them are like Joe Rogan Who's very intelligent And very profound And he smokes pot And he does fucking TRT Whatever the fuck he knows about fighting You get all these different comics Spilling their heart out to you

So it makes you love them So it makes you see comics that You wouldn't usually see Like myself Comedy Central would never dream of putting me on Felipe You know, the general has fallen in love with comics That you wouldn't see

Generally because of the internet That's the best part of comics That's the best part of comics Why would you ever want a guy who fucking Just knows what the market wants to buy Resaturates the market with what it's already purchasing I mean, I don't mean to be a cunt But like, I feel like a lot of comedy is like that

A lot of comedy is guys who know what the market purchases And they simply repackage what the market purchases And then you get guys like you and Felipe I'll say like four very different names You, Felipe, are so authentic that no one's doing that No one's doing that ever anywhere You can't find it Everybody wants a TV show

Nobody wants you to really know I had this horrible thought guys I had this horrible thought I just told my wife on the way out And I'll share with you guys I love Lisa Yat Lisa Yat's like my little brother I love Di Agostino

But I look at a lot of people who are under 20 Under 30 in that mid-range There's two different types of world You know, one thing I have appreciated from the lesson I've learned On the with myself and the comedy is then I also learned that with music Now I believe that we maybe didn't hear the best music that was out there There was maybe a lot better music But maybe somebody didn't like them

Maybe they fucked somebody's wife Maybe they did something Maybe they spoke up for themselves And they didn't get a chance So now I've been listening to more independent label music When people send me CDs now I sit down and listen and I've been learning This is open to my eyes also, you know

I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about But uh Mainstream, more comics like myself That you wouldn't see are going mainstream And it's great because you're not just exposed To what the fuck the media is pushing down into The real the the fucking the real fun is hearing someone live a life that's different than yours That's not I don't want to hear about it. I don't know man. I'm not I'm not shitting on anyone

I don't want to even do material that sounds resembling of me shitting on them But like I don't want to hear about a guy talking about what chicks sound like when you hit on them We get that we've all lived that life I want to see something Extension I want to see a Ernest Hemingway I want to see a fucking Gatsby I want to I want to know someone that lives something different than me I don't know. That's what I dig about. Yeah, like what's out there right now in the market, you know

I don't know. I'm pretty fucked up, too Do you think I'm like a long enough timeline if you just kept at it? Everyone would have some sort of success Whether it's like selling out Or having a show depends what you look at as success, right? I've been going to jujitsu for two fucking years. I am horrible. I am horrible, but Because of jujitsu it has made me more aware of my body and I'm trying to get healthier and stronger And in shape your bodies and you're you're much healthier. Yeah, so success is what some people's success is

Going to a bar and buying everybody drinks and getting your dick suck That's some people's answer to success. Yeah, some people just want to listen, man. No matter how you look at it Comedy became more important to me than doing crime and then doing drugs It took me 15 years or whatever it took me to realize that hey There's comics that aren't better than me. They just have help or whatever the fuck they have I'm making these strides while I'm a coke addict Can you imagine the strides I make if I was overcooked? If I didn't do coke now my energy had somewhere else to explore and go somewhere else with my mind

Yeah, but your your path your your your journey Is where what it is like there's no like I don't like I don't No one can do what you're doing. I don't know. I don't not to sound like too. I feel fucking against you I think everybody can do what they're doing. No, nobody is doing nobody wants to be consistent Nobody wants to do anything past 62 days Nobody if you take a fucking poll in this country or what happens. I see it at home with my wife I see it at home with my wife and she's going to get the karma that when my daughter gets old When I tell my wife, hey do this leave this door shut up because this is going to happen

And I come back a week and a half later and it's open and she thinks I just meant it for three days You know every morning today. I got up at four in the morning. My flight was at 7 35 I got up at four in the morning just out of myself. I got in the shower. I came out. I ordered breakfast I was packed already. I tried to write Not jokes, but about my day and about my journey for the week and how great vegas was and the process of all this I go, holy shit. It's monday morning. I got a post three videos. I got to do the morning joint Nobody was on twitter But I did it because it's consistency. That's what I do on monday mornings

You know how long I've been doing that li how long have I been doing that pathetic thing with the same fucking songs And the same stupid fucking little since I've known you okay three years Four years and even though it's stupid and even though whatever how many comics get up every morning and tell you to have a great day Very few that goes a long way in my world. No one knowing all things. So Consistency is everything I believe that if you stick with something long enough Even if you don't become a hollywood star or you don't become a world champion at it You will get a different lesson out of it that you will go into the next level of your life in peace

if you Jimmy Schubert does a great saying what's it his father told him don't cut the shrub Uh, never give somebody a short shrub or something. It means to always give 100 percent To always give 100 percent even when you don't think nobody's looking for always give 100 percent And that's the only way you'll be in peace when you move on to the next level of your life. Yeah And with that, let me give a shout out to the sponsors and we'll get the fuck out of here Hey guys, you get you get all new burnt casts this week

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Guaranteed you have a problem with it. You call fucking Dave this week. I was smoking my vapor pen at the airport today Is this the one you told me about? Yeah And the thing was fucking shut up. Stop. Did you smoke it? I don't know you're talking about did you smoke it? It was pretty fucking good. I smoked that dab at the airport that I got fucked up But the thing was lose what but the thing was fucking loose already If that happens to one of dave's pens I called dave that nailed it life I got a pen delivered to my house without 24 hours. Go check out nailed it life.com all the great products They have for dab is if you're dabbing that's your world. They are the fucking kings of it

They make a gummy bear called those gummies and monos will fuck you up 250 milligrams of hash row you need a license to get one though if you live somewhere where there's no license Don't ask you dumb motherfucker. We can't mail it to you another shout out to nailed it life Another shout out to iron dragon tv another shout out to hit easy A tremendous shout out to honor dot com at the birth christ if you're coming this weekend God bless you also you bad motherfuckers on saturday night One-stop shop uncle joey oklahoma city at the lab at the university. That's right. Uncle joey's coming to oklahoma city Put the fucking horse away. I'm coming with a big dick and some vaseline

And then the week after that the denver comedy works or you pot smokers I'm coming to fucking town. You better get ready. I'll be doing jumping jacks By the time I get there I'll be under 300 So i'm gonna smoke pot like a motherfucker. I need green chili. I'd like to thank burr christian I'd like to thank my man. Thompson girl. When's the new season started a trick? Whatever Triplet triplet june 2nd on travel channel and abm And the thoughts tonight do not express the thought of the producers or the food network channel I love you. Fuck suck. Stay black. Uncle joey loves you always. Happy memorial day

If you're a soldier, let's get the let's get the national anthem. Oh, I fucking love this Let's get the national anthem like last time lee like leg. Let's yeah What's up like play some music of the national where joey. I got it. You know, yeah This is one of my favorite times I've ever had on this show Oh, here we go Get up you fucking faggots. It's america. You're fucked soldiers died for you And you want to walk around with a sore ass telling people you're free. You ain't free. You're fucked. You're a fucking hologram You're trying to be somebody else. It's memorial day. You fucking cock suckers be a man

How long can you live this fucking lie? Soldiers died for your career. Do cool fucking vietnam Germany fucking hawaii Soldiers have died for you mother fuckers And you cock suckers are walking around acting like half a fag sticking you can do what the fuck you want to do The party's over. You're fucked. Isis is knocking on your fucking door And who you're gonna cry to when you cut that fucking haircut off that you paid 90 dollars to you're gonna cry to the boys Of the americans fucking armed forces. That's right. The army the navy the fucking marines

Air force the air force the coast guard the boy scouts it all starts right there you mother fuckers Get up tomorrow be a fucking man Gets tired of living a lie. You're a fucking american if not move to suck in sudan Or to some region and switch governments. You miserable motherfucker be an american Thank you. Good night Rest in peace rest in peace rest in peace dammer. I love your cock suckers rest in peace dammer Oh my god. I'm so glad I came over. Fuck. Yeah, you know how we do it though. God damn All right, are you done recording? Uh, my mic's still on. I have to do the ads

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