Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #286 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: May 29, 2015

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Blue Apron. Blue Apron sends gourmet recipes and all the fresh ingredients you need to make them right to your door. Use code word Joey and get your first two meals free! Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.  
Nature Box. Visit Naturebox.com and use promo code Joey for a free trial bo 
Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/joey for 20% off Iron Dragon TV. A New Roku channel with all the best martial arts films. Use Code word joey for two free rentals. 
Recorded live on 05/28/2015.
 Music:
 Victim Of Changes - Judas Priest Wish You Were Here - Pink Floyd

This show is brought to you by Iron Dragon TV. Iron Dragon TV is a Roku channel with all of your favorite martial arts movies. They're the leader in 4K technology and they have titles like Jet from Jackie Chan, the 8-Man series, Tai Chi Hero. When you go to irondragontv.com, use code word Joey and you're gonna get two free rentals.

The church of what's happening now would like to welcome Blue Apron. This show is sponsored by Blue Apron and Blue Apron sends gourmet recipes and from all the fresh ingredients, you need to make them right to your door. And our listeners get their first two meals free. That's right, their first two meals are completely free.

Just go to blueapron.com slash joey. Start cooking incredible meals at home with blueapron, blueapron.com slash joey. This show is also sponsored by Naturebox. Naturebox ships great tasting, healthy snacks right to your door. Forget the vending machine and start snacking smarter with healthy and delicious treats like dark cocoa almonds.

Support this podcast by ordering a free Naturebox sample box at naturebox.com slash joey. That's right, free Naturebox snacks are found at naturebox.com slash joey. Go to meundies.com slash joey and check out the men's and women's underwear they have. They have t-shirts, socks, shorts, everything you wanna wear.

Go to meundies.com slash joey and you're gonna get 20% off of your first order and they're offering free shipping in the United States and Canada. That's meundies.com slash joey and this show is brought to you by onit.com. Go to onit.com and use code word church to get 10% off of all the great optimization products

like alpha brain, new mood, shumtech immune, shumtech sport. When you go to onit.com use code word church. Oh shit, the world was supposed to end today but Nostradamus fucked up and the church is still here motherfuckers. Little Judas Priest up front. Unleashed in the East, a fucking monster.

Victim of changes, you bad motherfuckers, what? There's no live music that's still around. If you notice, they don't make live music no more, they don't tape it. This is motherfucking old school, baby. And yeah, they redid it in the studio but this is fucking live as fuck. Little Judas Priest for you motherfuckers.

May 28th, 2015. What's happening you bad motherfuckers? Joey Diaz here, my main man. Lee Boom Boom Sayat. What's happening brother? In the house. I had a great day. Had a great day, had a great day yesterday.

That was a lot of fun. Just a lot of, it was great. Paul had a great time, so. Then you went to the donuts. Oh my God. Hooked you up with some young donuts. I didn't even know we were gonna get donuts. You should have seen your face every time

you bit into a fucking donut. I haven't had donut in forever. Oh my God, a glazed donut. I've tried all the new ones like the maple bacon bar and all that stuff. And a fresh glazed donut. Beats everything, hands down. Listen man, I didn't eat donuts for, I don't know how long.

And I moved up here in the beginning at night before the baby, my wife and I would walk around the neighborhood after dinner. Oh okay, yeah. And one night we went for a walk and we went to Yum Yum Donuts we wanted and we never came back. That was it.

We never looked back. And it's fresh, they're fresh donuts. If they don't have, let's say they have a chocolate donut and they don't have the chocolate coconut, they'll go on the back and get you the chocolate coconut. They'll put coconut on it for you. It's just a great place. A bad place if you're on a fucking diet.

Oh my God. But a great place if you want to be a fat fuck and hang out with your buddies and, you know, I mean, I like all that shit. Like just, you know, because I grew up on Dunkin' Donuts. Yeah, me too. But Dunkin' Donuts just blows. Like I was excited when I was shooting the longest show

I was in New Mexico and they have one in New Mexico. Oh really? And every morning I go over there and I get a donut and I was excited and it tastes like shit. And the coffee's great but you gotta wait 20 minutes to drink it, it's too fucking hot. Is it really? Yeah, it's too fucking hot.

See, that's why I never got into coffee. I mean, it's different everywhere. Like if it gets bad at a gas station or it's bad at Starbucks, it's too much guesswork for me. But yeah, even in Boston, they don't make the donuts at the Dunkin' Donuts anymore. They come in and deliver them in trays. I didn't know that.

Yeah. I grew up on Dunkin' Donuts too. I didn't know they were that bad. And then I had one in 2005 or four when we were shooting the movie and it was, I never went back. And when I go home now to the East Coast, there's a Dunkin' Donut up the block from the hotel and I go up there and get the coffee all the time.

That black, Brazilian, bold, the brown. You like that one? It's fucking stronger than shit. It's delicious. And they have the K-Cups. Do you like that or no? You probably broke pot, don't you? Well, I have a curing.

Oh, you do have one? Okay. And Rogan got the K-Cups today with the marijuana. Oh, no way! Yeah, the coffee's already has the medical marijuana. One of this 10 milligrams. Gotta have a hundred cups of coffee. I mean, it's nice to add a little pep to your step

in the morning. I wonder what they taste like. Have you ever had anything like tea with marijuana? Yeah, yeah, about six years ago, there was a company that made a tea with marijuana in it. They were okay. First couple of times you got high after that. They didn't do dick tea.

Have you tried the tinctures? Yes. Like that's what I wanna try. Or even pills. I don't even know if they make those. I got the pills at the house. Do you like those? What do you think about those?

Yeah, nailed it life. Oh, they do pills? Yeah, they gave me some pills to think like capsules or something. They're not bad. The tinctures are fantastic. I felt it just took a long time. Oh, okay.

But like one time I took them in the afternoon, I forgot about it. And that night I'm like, why am I so wrecked? I mean, I was beyond high. I was like wrecked. So the tinctures aren't bad. It's, they come a long way. Like I never thought, when I started smoking pot,

I just thought it was something that you heard about legalizing it, but you just kept, I'm gonna turn that air on this fucker. Already? Okay. Yeah, it's hot. You're sweating already. I am?

Yeah. Look at you. Don't be over here. It's all glittery and shit. You look like it, but that's what it was. When I first started smoking pot, I never dreamed it was gonna be legal. You know, throughout the years you heard of the cookies

and the people who made the brownies and stuff like that. But this is, every time I go into the weed store now, I leave there like just shaking my head. You know, I don't try everything anymore because it's not strong enough or it's just, you know, I don't wanna eat a big fucking cookie that's 800 calories. I don't need to eat a pizza pie.

They have pizza pies over there, you know? 200 milligram pies. I ate one of those pies one night. It wasn't bad, but I don't remember getting high. The thing for me, if I had a wish, it would be just to get it super quick. Like the least amount to eat and it gets you high the fastest. That's what I want.

That's why I like the devils. I like the green hornets. That's why I like the stars. I think that they're little and they give you a big bang. I like the anti Dolores. Listen, those Choco things, the 10 milligram, the anti Dolores, they're not fucking bad, man. Is that what you do?

When you get super high, you'll just add a little stuff to it throughout the day? Or do you, I mean, you take big ones too, but. Yeah, I don't even, I haven't been eating throughout the day because they make me too fucking hungry. Yeah, God. So I usually pop in the other boys seven o'clock and I deal with going home at night.

That's the toughest. Is going home at fucking 11 and I eat popcorn so that kills my carbs at night, you know? But it's not like I'm eating a cheesecake or nothing. No, I'm not eating nothing like that at night. I'm not making sandwiches no more at night. I'm not cooking leftovers at night. I haven't eaten leftovers in like five months.

Nothing like that. Really? Yeah, she bought this popcorn I eat at night. It's not bad. It stuffs you out. You know, sometimes you can't eat the fucking popcorn so I'll switch to a banana or a few fucking apples, you know? But after I eat all the fruit,

then I gotta dig into the real stuff. I'm making a can of tuna and eat it with crackers or something like that, you know, just something at night. But it's too much. One of these edibles at 11 o'clock, three o'clock in the afternoon, you're fucking starving. I know. And that's the downfall to it.

That is, there is a downfall. There it is right there. I heard they make appetizing, suppressing strains, like certain things that make it so you don't get hungry. You know, you're gonna look for a year to find the strain and it's gone. I don't know. Just deal with it.

We've been smoking popcorn for so long. We used to deal with it. The reefer, the reefer doesn't make me hungry, hungry, but it gives me an initial appetite. You were asking me what I do in the morning. I try to drink coffee with my first joint or a half of joint and I do that to get the appetite going. When you're on a diet and stuff,

you wanna start eating as soon as you wake up. You don't wanna sit for two or three hours. That's just bad for your body. So you wanna eat as soon as you wake up. Something, water right away, a glass of water. As bad as it tastes with toothpaste in your mouth and as bad as it fuckin' feels in your stomach because that gets your metabolism going.

Those are three hours that your body's just a limbo in the morning. So when I get up, I drink that coffee. I'll drink a little water, then I hit the coffee, like Doche said. And then when I'm drinking the coffee, I smoke a half a dub or a couple of pipefuls and that gets that breakfast appetite going.

Yeah, cause I don't know how you make it through that periscope that you do because you smoke an entire joint and I know that's not your first edible or your first joint. Fuck no. Oh my God. Fuck no. For people who don't have it yet,

if you're an android, they just came out with the Android app. What's an android? It's just the other kind of phone company. It's not even the phone company. It's like all the other phones are androids. It's an operating system. It's just what your phone runs on.

And then there's Samsung and all the other companies. But they have the app now for periscope. Everyone needs to get mad run out of periscope because it's only on Apple, but now it's for everyone. Okay. What do you think? I love that app. Especially now, when there's so much of everything,

it's hard to have something go crazy and be that great and to have that idea. And as soon as I saw periscope, I was like, wow. It's just amazing. Listen man, they're developing new stuff every day. I'm not a computer person. I don't read computer magazines. I don't really, I'm not hit.

I don't know what's going on, but I wish I was. Like I don't change tires. I can't do oil, but I always wish I was good with cars. Now it's computers. I always think about buying an Apple computer just to get the training at the store. You know, if you buy that package, they give you training. So if you buy a camera, they'll give you

fucking free training with the camera a couple hours a week. You probably like the Apple. It's super easy. It's super user friendly. Like what do you mean? They try to make the computer as easy as possible to run and like how to find applications.

I mean, that's where they're going. Like PCs are more for people who like to customize and stuff like that. Well for idiots, it's Apple. I mean, yeah, and they're more expensive. That's the same thing. Apple and Mac are the same thing. That's how much I fucking know.

I'm getting an education from Lee about Android. I don't know what the fuck people are talking about at the time. Yeah. I mean, it's hard to keep up, but it's crazy. Like you've always talked about how like Dane Cook took over MySpace and stuff like that. So as soon as I saw Periscope, I was like,

oh shit, this could be like, cause the thing we've talked about forever is that you just need a camera on you constantly. Jesus fucking Christ. If I don't kick this one down next to me, I'm trying to get comfortable here. I just don't know. And I get scared sometimes when we're periscope.

It's so fucking easy just to set it up and send out the tweet and get people to watch it. And you just shut it down. I don't like periscoping all day. No. Today I periscoped the cats. That was great. Biggie looks so cool.

Biggie and the other cat looks like he's fucking gonna die, but I love those guys. I've known those guys for six fucking years now. Every time I walk down that street, I talk to those fucking two cats or BW. I'm friends with them. They follow me, half the block. Really?

Sometimes I gotta bring them cat treats. Is Biggie the loudest snore you've ever heard? Cause every time, even when we didn't matter flavors were with him, like you could just, his purring is just like super loud. He's a great cat. He's a great cat. How come you never brought them upstairs?

Because I got other cats to deal with and he's just a male that would go crazy. Oh, okay. He's got a home. They all have homes. Jill. Jill's damn fucking apparent. Do they ever go inside?

Yeah, they go inside at night. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, they go inside at night. She lets them out at like 5.30. They fucking wanna go outside. But now they go down the block. It's really interesting how they move down the block, but then come six o'clock,

you see them right in front of Jill's eating. Oh, okay. Wouldn't you ever get nervous about them getting hit and stuff? Like it's just, I get nervous every night, but they don't move. The fucking Bruce Jenner and his assistant

across the street, Monaco, fucking were feeding the cats at night and they were walking down the corner, but something happened. There was a fight with one of the cats. So thank God they stopped coming down. Somebody started feeding them down there. Oh, okay.

And Biggie's like, I'm not walking all the way down the block to hang out with fucking Bruce Jenner and fucking those crazy motherfuckers. Bruce Jenner don't come out of the house no more. The other guy that did the operation. Oh, Monaco? No, his buddy.

Oh. Fuck stick. Captain annoying. He don't come out no more from his side. He just hangs out? Yeah, I don't know why he switched governments if you're not gonna wanna show that pussy. If you're not, why'd you switch governments for?

I don't get it. He sits in the fucking house all day. Both of them don't have jobs. I know they get some type of disability from the government. How the fuck do you live your life like that? Maybe he's just looking at the pussy. Maybe he likes to just look at it.

Who? The other guy, not Monaco. I don't fucking know. I don't get involved. I don't get involved with nobody on that little housing compound. There's the drunk chick that her and her boyfriend are always drunk.

She has a job and he doesn't. I think he's on disability too. What he is. And they just live their life and they walk to the, he walks to the liquor store. I see him like an eight dog. He comes back with a fucking 24 pack.

And then when she gets home from work at six, she brings a 24 pack and it's on. Them two motherfuckers drink 48 cans of beer a fucking day. Jesus. He's skinny as fuck. I don't know how he does it. He probably doesn't eat.

So it's got him, the chick that's a painter or whatever the fuck she is. The two fucking whatever crosses street from Mizombo and his assistant. And then you have the Spanish dude move. Fuck him too. He used to break my balls too. It's fucked up how like a wake and bake is cool.

But anytime I, even if I see like a guy with a beer at like seven, 11 in the morning, and like it looks weird, like drinking, like drinking in the morning is not accepted really. It is. If you're in that world,

I have tons of friends that drink in the morning. Really? You know, I was telling you guys one of the scariest. In 19, before my mom died, she sold the bar. My mom had a bar on 29th and Bergenline. But then on 30th of the New York avenues is other bar autos. So when my mom shut that bar,

the bookies from there had to go somewhere close by because people banked on them to put their numbers in. So they started going over a bar around the corner name autos. And it's the last bar. Pretty much there's only one more stop before you go into New York City. Oh, okay.

So when my mom died, I used to have to go up there every Sunday and meet Zerida, Z, the lady I talked about in the Comedy Central thing. And we would meet up there. And one day I asked the guy, hey, are you looking for any bartenders? And he goes, yeah.

And he gave me a job because I can give you a job Monday nights, it's a slow night, but you could build it up with your friends. And then Thursday morning or Wednesday morning and Friday morning. And I go, who comes in here in the morning at seven o'clock in the evening? You'd be surprised.

So he goes, I want you to think about taking the job at seven in the morning. Because if you take this job, you really have to be here at 6.45, 6.30. Because those people show up here at the fucking 10 to seven. I'm like, he's lying to me. Oh my God.

He's just telling me that to make me go there early. Well, let me tell you something. I guess what I did the first day, sure enough, I get there five to seven. I had 18 pissed off people. No. Judges, attorneys, people with suits, like nobody looked like an Alki,

but they all were Lee. I learned a lot from that job. And I'd go in. So basically this job I had at Otto's. I was in high school. No, you weren't. Yes, I was. I was a senior in fucking high school,

but I had a job. I was part of the CIE work study program. That means you only have to go to school in the mornings and then work 15 credits. I switched it. I told them I'd go to school in the afternoon on Thursdays and Fridays, which I really didn't go. We gave a fuck at that point.

And I went in the mornings and I bartended. But the first time I went in there on time, which was that Friday, was when I really saw it. I got there at 6.30 and I fucking, I took care, you know, I got all the ice and then 10 to seven, they come in there. And let me tell you what their orders were. Their orders were two shots of Scotch

at 6.50 in the morning. Two shots of Scotch and a beer back. So two shots and a fucking beer. And they'd be out of there in like five minutes probably? Three minutes before they got on the fucking bus. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. Three, four dollar tip. I'd make $60 in those 15 minutes

and then I'd be dead the rest of the day till about three o'clock. There was no reason to go to that bar. Couple of scragglers throughout the day. Somebody coming for a beer, somebody coming for a soda. It was the day shift. It was basically around that 400 I made in fucking 10 minutes.

Jesus. And it was steady. Like I had a big load of people come in at 10 to seven. So it wasn't like people working the overnight coming in. No, it was people getting ready to go to work in New York City. Oh my God. So they get a drink to get on the bus.

Yeah. Then they get into the city and it's probably a place where they stop and get a little bottle to take them throughout the day. They go back there on the way back at them. So there's a little bottle and that finishes out the day for them. I guess there's no difference between that.

No, it's smoking. It's just people do it all the fucking time. It's just a way of life for some. Now you have alcoholics and you have drug addicts and then you have functioning drug addicts and functioning alcoholics. I was a little bit of all of them. I could fucking get high and act in our minds,

in the junkies mind, you think that they don't really know. Right. Disgusting, perverted mind. I could walk in here, trip and go, I could tell Lee that I took cold medication. He'll believe me. So is there actually a functioning alcoholic or functioning drug addict?

Yes, there is. Absolutely. So they're okay. Absolutely. I feel there is. Cause I was a functioning addict. No two ways about it. I was a functioning addict.

My daytime thoughts were mixed with my addiction. So all day long, I'd be talking to you about business, but I'd be really thinking about how I was going to get high tonight. And the minds start working once I got the package for tonight. Until then, I didn't settle all fucking day. So why did you quit then?

Why did I quit what? Doing drugs. I don't know. I don't know how it happened. All I know is that this is what happens to your mind. You really think people don't know. Okay. So at the beginning, maybe you're functioning?

Cause it just. No, you're always functioning. Okay. I was a functioning addict all the way the last day. I shot a fucking movie with killers. That's true. Doing the package every night, no longer sure. I snorted gram and a half a night

when I was doing the longer sure. That's a lot of fucking coke. To a fourth, five in the morning, three in the morning, I'd just go in high. I'd take a nap in the morning when I got there. I knew I wasn't shooting first. And I'd take a little nap for an hour and then I'd fucking, that's why I got so big up to 418.

Because when you don't sleep, your body doesn't burn that fat. So you put on weight like it's going out of fucking style. But there's a thing called functioning addicts and functioning alcoholics. There's people that do drugs and can't do dick. There's people that shoot $10, $20 worth of heroin a day and hold down a job and you'll never know they're addicted.

You'll never know, unless you look in their fingers or in their toenails or they try to shoot heroin maybe in their fucking back of their legs. Oh my God. I'm so glad that was never my thing. That scares me. I'm very happy you're not fucking easily impressed either, my friend, you're a smart young kid.

But a lot of guys your age didn't get high that I know. A lot of kids, you know, I don't know. I just... I think a lot of kids are more probably drink too heavily as opposed to like heroin. I don't know. I don't think I know anyone who did heroin. Me, I probably do.

I guess the statistics are like... No, and you went to college where you were a drinker at all? No. Well, I didn't really like the kids at my college. So I hung out with kids from home. If I was gonna go out to drink, I got drunk because I didn't see the point of just going out to have like one or two drinks.

But I probably did that once every month, once every two, a couple of times a month. I was never, it always blew my mind when like my roommate would go out Thursday through Sunday. And I was like, I could not. I've never, drinking has never been that fun for me. And when I get drunk, I have fun, but then like the next day, like you always feel like some sort of shit.

Drinking and doing drugs was always fun for me. I can't lie to you. Really? I couldn't. And I don't drink, but the drugs were there. The drugs were available. So the alcohol available was available. That's the only time it takes the edge off.

So I might as well drink. But I could drink when there was drugs involved. I didn't like how I felt. But I did it. I did all that shit against my cut all those years. I didn't like how it made me fell. I don't like how alcohol makes me feel at all. I like the taste of a couple fucking things,

but not all of them, you know? Right, yeah. That taste of alcohol has always bothered me as a young man, whatever I drink, whether it's Blackberry Brandy, whether it's fucking whiskey, I'll tolerate it if I'm doing blow or if I've never, like a couple weeks ago,

was looking at my friend's kid's Facebook page. And he's 20, he's in college, and his Facebook page was just covered with alcohol stuff. Like we're going drinking, you know, we're going this place skiing, and you saw the amount of booze they bought, their lifestyle was around drinking, which I think a little wear off after college,

that's what they have. That's how you hope, yeah? You know, I don't know. I was never that crazy about the drinking part of it. I can't sit at a bar. I can't fucking sit at a bar. When people come up to me after a comedy show, and they go, hey man, we're gonna be in the bar

across the street, you're gonna swing by. Listen, guy, that's the last thing I wanna fucking do. You'll never see me at a bar after a comedy show. I just don't have a use for it. I never did, I never really had use for any bar. And you ever sit down while going to the airport bars and have a drink or have a drink on the plane? Fucking close.

Oh, I have a drink on the plane. Like an alcohol drink? Fuck yeah. What do you have? I always have a white Russian. Oh shit. If I get up good, if I get up good at the first class, fuck yeah, I'll fucking do a white Russian.

When I got the free drinks from Southwest for flying business class, like if Joe Rogan takes me on the road, or I shot that thing and they gave me a business class, you get a free drink coupon. I'll fucking drink, I'll do one drink. But I do a fucking appetizer drink. I do a faggy drink, I'll do an amaretto in the middle.

I like my Russians. With Ice Cube, I'll do a white Russian with a little bit of Coca-Cola in it, a Colorado Bulldog, whatever the fuck. You ever have a white Russian with Coca-Cola in it? No. Oh my god. How much Coca-Cola?

Just a splash? Just a little splash up on top. I'll try that, that sounds good. Fucking delicious. That's like amaretto in ginger ale, that's like my girly drink. Really? It's super sweet, like you can just put it

straight down. That is fucking horrible. I like amaretto milk with a valium. A nice 10 milligram valium, you sleep like a fucking baby, Lisa, yeah. I already do sleep like a baby with this stuff. It's funny, I started missing Fidel to that, yeah. I found one of the cards,

my main man sent me over here, Bob Leninger's. My main man from fucking Chicago, Bob Leninger, whatever his fucking name is, I can't even dare. You know who you are, Bob. What's that? I know who, he knows who he is. Really? Yeah, he must know who he is.

Yeah, he's a good guy. He's in his family, I'm from Chicago. They're gonna go see me up when I'm with the other Hussainis, but they all got shirts, they're great people, and they sent me a card when Fidel first died. I forgot to thank him, and I put the card on the wall, and I saw the card today, and I really missed Fidel. It's crazy, we went to get custard at that place

next to Jersey Mike's with Mercy after she went swimming to it. Yeah, Rita's. And she got a brain freeze, and me and my wife looked at each other and started freezing, because Fidel would always get brain freezes when he needed ice cream.

You give Fidel ice cream? He loved ice cream, my wife got like a Sunday or something. He loved ice cream, so fucking hilarious. What would he do when he got a brain freeze? He would just, his eyes would blink for about six minutes, and he'd make like a little cat noise, like why?

Something like that. And you guys would just share ice cream with him, that's so nice. Yeah, sometimes you get like a vanilla ice cream, and he comes up, and he would be relentless when you ever had food, and whenever he had fucking food, the cat would just be relentless,

so he jumped up, and I'd give him a couple, a couple fucking licks of his ice cream. Cut that down, please. Nah, we're going deep. No, we were having that. That toy, that thing is stale. So we have like 250, that stale doesn't mean anything. That's bad, no fucking 250.

There's no calories if it's stale. What fucking 250? There was no 250 there. That shit wore down. We had left it there for two weeks. You're not even high yet. We've been doing this now. You're not even high, you're crazy.

You're not even high, I'm not high yet. Look at me, I got a little high on the weed, but that was it, nothing. You're high. No, I'm not, we'll split this, and that's it. We're done for the week. I won't see it till Monday. Well, that's just because I wouldn't

go and see you anyways. Fucking June 2nd, Monday, can you believe that? No, I can't. Premier of Trip Flip, eight o'clock. Look at that. You went deep this week, Lee. I went super deep, I had two stars last night. Two stars Monday.

But I couldn't believe how much I missed that fucking cat. And I missed Sissy, don't get me wrong. I just, Fidel, I was more, Sissy wouldn't talk to me. Really? In the beginning, when I was doing cocaine, Sissy wouldn't mix with me at all. I picked her up early on when she was a kitten. She scratched me right off the bat.

She scratched me in the arm. I bled for a little while, I never fucked with her again. And then for a, you know, after a while, she's my cat. And she lives in the house with me, but she wouldn't even come close to me. At about a month after I stopped doing blow, is when she started coming around me. Oh, okay.

I had that cat for five years before that cat came close to me. I just didn't like it. Six years. The vibe you're putting off? Didn't like the energy from the cocaine. Something just wasn't right for that fucking cat. He would not, she would not mess with me.

And I loved that cat with all my heart. I don't know what the fuck it was, but it happens. I learned a lot. I learned a lot from her. I learned how bad cocaine really was if a cat could feel its energy. And then I started thinking about one of that nights as I started getting more cats

when I would have the coke came out and I'd do the coke, how the cats would disappear. They didn't like that energy. They really fucking didn't. Finny liked it because he was a coke fiend, but the rest of those cats really didn't like the energy. It just goes to let you know that they're aware to something. You know, cats come to life.

They're a, what's the animal? They come. Nocturnal. Nocturnal. So once I get back in the comedy story at night, that's when they're rocking a roll and they're on the floor spinning on their back. They're fucking giggling, you know.

So. They're funny, you're funny cats. I do have very, I'm very fucking lucky, Lee. I'm very lucky that I don't have any problems with my cats. And I always gave them so much love from the beginning. You know, today I was walking out and I saw Harry then I picked him up and gave him a kiss. Then I picked up Demi and I rubbed him real hard.

I gave him a kiss and as I'm putting him down, he's like, wow. You know, like go outside when I come back, I hear them, I hear something ruffling in the curtains. And I turn from outside, I'm smoking a bowl in the balcony and I look in and it's Finny looking for me. Demi, and I come back in and I pick him up and he's like, wow, like he wanted to play, you know.

I have a good time with my cats. I really let them know how much I love them. I try to brush them alternate days, like the girls on one day and the boys on one day. I brush them a lot. I'm always giving them attention. I don't understand having an animal you're not gonna give attention to.

I never really understood that. So I always try to give them as much attention as I can. When I see an animal on the street, I try to give it attention. If it's fucking lost, there's some animals that don't want to be bought. Yeah, there's one mean cat in your neighborhood who like attacked my leg once.

Oh yeah, he's gone. He's gone. Yeah, Captain Pete, he's gone. And then Henry, oh Henry. That was another bad motherfucker that got on my roof one time and started hitting the glass with his paw. My cats were gonna fucking kill him. And I had to go outside and throw water at them

and then the people around the corner adopted them. And they got them fixed. And now he's just a big, fat, bushy cat that doesn't move from that window. Because when you neuter him, it changes them completely. It takes that testosterone out of their bodies. That's what I mean, you see older cats, their heads get so fucking square and big

because they keep fucking growing. That testosterone makes their fucking head get thick. It becomes like a fucking block filled with fucking testosterone and shit. A lot of douchebags always say like, oh, my dog's my kid or my pets are my kids. You had your cats for a while. They basically turned into basically your kids

for those few years. Listen, if you have an animal, when you go to a fucking pound and you adopt that dog, you make a commitment, Lee. And that commitment's a big commitment. That's why people look at animals, it's not a car. It's not a bicycle for three years. It's not a fucking rental.

It's not an iPhone that they're gonna come out with a six. This is it. So when you look at that dog's eyes and that dog looks at your eyes, this is it. You're making a commitment to that dog. Do you travel a lot? Do you live in a fucking box? Are you doing that dog any justice?

In my world, as long as you give that animal love, you're doing that animal justice. Because love is what they want. Love is what, exercise is also important. So you have to think about, am I gonna take this dog out three times a week? Where do I live? Let me look at my fucking neighborhood.

So it's gonna be shit and grass all day. Am I gonna pick it up every fucking day? These are the things that people don't think out. You know, do I wanna wear a kitten and pick up warm shit when it's still warm out of the dog's ass? I'm putting a bag and walk a mile with that shit walking next to me? Who the fuck wants to do that?

I don't. But if you love a dog and that's what you want, that's the commitment you make. When I took those cats in, man, every time my wife talks about a vacation, she knows I don't like it. I don't like it at all, but I have to do them now with the baby.

I don't like leaving those cats. There's an earthquake. Yeah, you'll be there, you'll stop by, wanna stop by, it's not the same. It's not the same. I know how they are and they know how I am. And I know when something's bothering them. I know those cats so fucking well.

I know when they're not right, I know when something's bothering them. I told my wife last week, there's something wrong with super bad. You can tell. Because what do you mean? I go, every time he sees me, either he did something or something's not right,

because super bad is my cat. But every time he sees me and I walk in, he shoots to the kitchen. I haven't done nothing to him. Something's bad with super bad. Something's wrong with super bad. What do you think? My wife's like, I don't know what you're talking about.

Sure enough, Saturday morning, I talked to my wife and we talking about something. Then later on she goes, oh, I didn't wanna tell you because it was too early. I had to take super bad to the vet. He has abscess swole up in his head. She got up the one morning, super bad came crying to her.

His head looked like he got hit in the head with a hammer. He had what you had in the eye, the style only in his mouth. You gotta take him to the vet and fucking drain his fucking tooth. And now when the infection goes away, they gotta pull his tooth. I knew something was wrong with him.

That's how much I know my cats. I know their walk. I know their mannerisms. I know when they hide behind something, something's up. I know how they react when an earthquake's coming now. Really? Yeah, 20 minutes before, 10 minutes before, 15 minutes before, they start crossing each other.

It's the weirdest thing you've ever seen. Like an X? And I saw it three times. They start getting restless and they walk back and forth It's really weird what they do. So now I know when there's gonna be an earthquake. I mean, I have to really be paying attention and be thinking about it.

But I could tell when something's gonna happen, that there's a full moon, something like that, they act fucking weird. It's amazing how you get to know your animals. And if you don't know your fucking animals, then you're not paying enough attention to them. It's like anything else that lives in your fucking house. You have to pay attention to them.

I always feel bad when I see a big celebrity or like a teenage singer getting a dog. I'm like, what the fuck, where's that dog gonna live? Well, sometimes people confuse money for love. And that's the bad thing with an animal. Like I'll give him a bed and I'll dress him up and put a magician's hat on him and he'll feel love. A fucking animal should not have a magician's

fucking hat on him, okay? You don't have to. I wanna use him now when they go into the fucking dog mind. There's not gonna be a dog that's gonna say, wow, I can't wait to get out of the pound. So I can put on a fucking magician's hat, a cape, and go to some fucking party with a bunch of fucking Gentiles looking at me.

There's no fucking dog. No Chihuahua, there's no Mexican dog wants to dress up in a fucking tuxedo and go to a fucking party dressed up. They don't, but these Gentiles, they got a lot of money and that's a way to do it. I can never dress up in my cats. Where are they gonna go?

When are they gonna put up a dress up in my cat? They got their own fucking personality. Cats weren't made to, but when was the last time you seen a fucking lion with a dress on in the fucking Serengeti, whatever the fuck they call it, right or wrong? I know, I agree. A lot of people love it though.

There's famous dogs on Instagram and Twitter, it's crazy. Like they have like FedEx sponsoring them in Pepsi and they make millions of dollars, it's crazy. That's amazing. Yeah, I know. And who spends the fucking money? The dog? What's a dog do, go to Europe?

No, but it's the people who love, they like looking at dog pictures. And I get it, they're really cute, but it's- I love looking at dogs too. I love action. I love hogging dogs. I love petting dogs. I don't wanna see no dog dressed up

like the fucking village people. You know, a mailman, a construction guy, a fuck, I don't need that. They have a lot of stuff now. It's fucking crazy, isn't it? That you have that much money and that have much time to dress up your fucking dog. It's amazing how they misuse the service dog

in this country. Yeah. That's, they gotta find, they found the fucking loophole. Every time I fly, I gotta fly with a young couple, some chick that looks like she sucked 80 dicks with a fucking dog that's gonna save her life and make her feel stable.

When she's blowing guys, she ain't that, you know, it's just, it just drives me fucking crazy. Yeah. That part of it isn't cool. But on the flip side, cause I just dealt with it with that, with the dog I got. Especially here in LA, I don't know if it's everywhere. Apartments make it super hard for you to have your dog.

So like, I think they just found a way to get around it and they wouldn't be bringing them on the plane if they could just have a dog at their apartment, like an adult. I get that you wanna keep your apartment nice, but we're all putting a deposit down. And you never get all of it back. So like, it's almost impossible to find a place

that you can get a dog. And like, what if you had a pit bull? You know, you're never gonna find an apartment that takes those. Really? Almost no one. Yeah, it's super hard. And I get it, there's a lot of angry ones on,

like the mean ones, but there's also like super sweet ones. When I went to the pound to go look for dogs. All of them are pit bulls. All of them. All of them. They're rows of them. All of them, all of them. It's fucking sad.

Mixed with other dogs, a pit bull, mixed with a wolf. A pit bull, mixed with a bat. It's like, I think before you get a pit bull, you should take a fucking GED examination. That's what I think. I don't think you know the potential of the pit bull. You know, Joe loved Frank. Joe Rogan.

He had a pit bull. Oh my God, Frank Sinatra was a great dog. Isn't he Frank Sinatra? Yeah, beautiful. He was a great pedigree dog. He was a loving dog. He was big. The worst thing Frank would do to you was licky to death.

I mean, the worst thing Frank would do to your licky to death. But when he saw another dog, there was no controlling him. And I was there for a Fourth of July party. That was fucking horrible. You had a sick, and once the dog bit into another dog, you had to stick a finger up his ass to loosen his jaws.

This was crazy. You know, when all that stuff went down with Joe's dogs, I spoke to him on a plane, and I was really upset about Frank. But he told me, he goes, I gotta tell you something, man. I miss Frank, but it was a big, stress off my shoulders.

It really was a big stress on him. Because people are just, I do not hate a dog. If you came to me right now with a dog, I wouldn't care what breed it would be if it needed help. I would open them arms into my house, because love is love. The dog's eyes are the dog's eyes. But you always gotta be careful

with those dogs that bite people. Let's get this straight. Any dog can bite anybody. Any dog. They can bite by everything, okay? Some of the meanest dogs are Chihuahuas. A Chihuahuas and those little mutt-looking motherfuckers that'll bite you.

But with a pit bull, man, it's like a gun. They just have more capability like they can do more. Right, it's like a gun. So I understand how it makes people nervous. I gotta tell you something. When it was just me and Mercy, if it's me and Terry, if it's a pit bull, I'm not gonna worry.

But when I see Mercy, I don't need her getting bit by a fucking dog. She gotta put that dog on the leash. Because I will shoot you. I will shoot that fucking dog and wait for the cops. And I will sell my fucking soul. I'm not gonna go to jail. You cannot have those dogs.

It makes people uncomfortable. You have to be smart. And I love pit bulls. But why would you, there's guys like, my dog's not gonna do nothing. Listen, I know he's not. But just for fucking the sake of argument, put the fucking leash on him.

Because you're making people nervous. That's just common sense. I know you wanna out fucking thank everybody. But let me tell you what's gonna happen, you dummy. You don't have a dime. You don't have a dime to your fucking name. You work two jobs. You got this pit bull.

You're giving them gunpowder when you're fucking, whatever the fuck you're trying to do to them. One day he's gonna break out. And there's gonna be a little boy playing on your corner that doesn't deserve to get bit. And your stupid fucking dog, who I know doesn't bite nobody. Doesn't bite nobody.

He's gonna bite that kid's arm wall. And that kid's gonna live. Every time he sees a dog, he's gonna shit his pants. You're too stupid to understand that. Some people are too stupid to understand that fucking notion. But it's true.

So when you get those dogs, you really have to think it out. And listen, you give that dog a ton of love. I agree with you. A ton of love you give a pit bull or any other, those doleman pensions. You know, 20 years ago, it wasn't the fucking pit bull. For what was it? 20 years ago, no, the pit bull came around

like in the early 80s was when I started seeing my friend had a pit bull in 85, Topaz. You know how Topaz died? Great fucking dog. You know how he died? He chewed on the refrigerator wire and he electrocuted himself. Great fucking dog, smarter than shit.

One day he just chewed on the fucking refrigerator wire and electrocuted himself. Jesus Christ. Okay, so that was 84, 85. When I went back to New York in 94 and a guy one night was trying to be cool in my neighborhood like I worked for Hashway. I was broke.

I was broke and I worked with my friend delivering sandwiches and this guy was trying to, I don't know when people trying to be cool or I don't know what he was trying to do but he was explaining to me what he did to his dog to make him bite people. What?

And after like the fourth minute I go, you gotta stop this conversation, brother. I got a lot of respect for you. I don't mean to be a fucking rude asshole but I don't wanna hear this. You're training a dog to bite people. You're not a millionaire. You're not a drug dealer.

You're not a fucking diamond cutter. You're not a judge. You have nothing. You are nothing to have this dog to wanna bite people. What if this dog bites somebody? Are you liable for this fucking dog? No, well, you know, they shouldn't be fucking around on my block.

You're blocked. You're blocked. You live with your mother in the basement and it's your grandmother's fucking house. But that's the mentality and that's the way you have to think that out. That this dog, all right, he's gonna,

maybe he won't bite the kid, move, bite him in the leg and that kid won't be able to deal with dogs for a little while. After I got bitten in the face by a German shepherd, I didn't deal with dogs well for a long time. How could you? I didn't deal with them at all. Fucking I was scared shitless

every time I saw a fucking dog. So, how did we get on a conversation about dogs? I have no idea, man. Talking about fucking cats here. There we go. I'm just gonna fucking fiddell. Do you ever think, yeah,

do you ever think about a finny or anything? Cause I mean, was it hard? Cause you did a joke about that for a while. So you had to think about them like every night. Was that hard or was it, do you like it? I still think about finny. I still think about crystal. One of the biggest-

Did I even know crystal? No, one of the biggest pains in my life was when my mother died. Wasn't really my mother died. It was crystal. Crystal was a dog. I got maybe six months or seven months before my mother died

and I was so in love with the dog, crystal T8, well, the drug, crystal THC, which is really angel dust and drag. That's all crystal THC was that I named the dog crystal. And you know, the house was just a, my stepfather was gone. It was just me and my mom.

And it was just me and this dog. And I loved this dog. I would play with the dog. I'd sleep with the dog. I'd walk the dog. The dog used to kill Maloney's roosters up the corner for me. I don't, I think two times Mr. Maloney came with my dog

and he said, your dog killed one of my chickens. You know, I had my dog in the yard. I love crystal. Crystal was, I'm gonna even ask what type of dog she was. She was like, she was like a lab and something else mixed. She was just a beautiful little tiny dog.

And she was white and she had yellow and black spots on her. That's why I called the crystal. Cause crystal was a white powder, but it had like little black spots, like the ice cream from Brian's ice cream. You know what I'm saying? So I picked up this dog and I fucking loved her and I walked her and I slept with her

and my mother boiled bones to take the fat out of the bones to put on the dog food. And my mom had the thing in the refrigerator and I would feed it every night. And then my mom died. And I had this dog and I didn't know what to do. So one of my moms, I couldn't take it to the bender's house.

So one of my mom's friends said, I'll take them and you come up there and visit them, you know, and it was fucking heartbreakingly. I would walk, I would go out with my friends, get drunk and then jump her fence on 51st street, just to sit in the dog house and play with the dog. And then like one night she came out

like a three in the morning, she caught me out there crying. And she goes, what the fuck are you doing out here? And I'm not, I just, I come over here every night when I'm out and I jumped the fence and play with this dog. And I always had a dream that I was going to get that dog somewhere.

Like in high school and my father would give me money that belonged to my mother. But I go get that dog and provide a yard for that dog in the house. And never happened. I don't know what happened to that dog. Somebody said that they saw Nina, the girl who took it years later and he said

he jumped over the fence and got hit by a car. So I always lived with this guilt about Crystal. Crystal is always, I still remember what she looks like. There's times I see dogs and I think of Crystal and it fucking eats my insides up. That's why I'm so good to my cats. That's why I always, every day that I'm alive, I always say, you know,

I think if, as I'm going, floating into the universe where the fuck your soul goes into, I think beside missing some of my friends, I'm going to think of my fucking cats. I would, because I want to think what's going to happen. I mean, when Marilyn died, they had to put her cats to sleep. I couldn't do nothing with her cats. She had six fucking cats like I did.

And they were all really overweight and Marilyn didn't take care of them. But I remember Dave calling me and saying, I'm going to put four down and keep two. There was one cat that lived in the litter box because Marilyn was really sick. So she stopped looking after them and stuff. And I always thought of that moment.

I was like, can you imagine if I died doing blow all these cats, my wife can't handle these cats by herself. She's got to give them away and these cats going to live with that thing. That was part of, all these things were the things I thought about when I quit doing Coke, Lee. I didn't just quit doing Coke. I put myself in the worst position I could.

What if I just died? What if my wife wakes me up? What if my wife wakes up in the middle of the night to go pee and there I am on the floor with a ring around my arm from my arm being black and blue from dying, your heart blows up, whatever happened. Jesus. When you have a massive heart attack,

that's what happens, Lee. You find somebody in their arm is purple. And you're like, what in the neck is purple and shit from the explosion in that fucking arm? Could you handle that? So I thought about that. I thought about what would happen to my cats. Okay, what if my wife didn't find me

and I died in the hotel room on the road? Ah, fucking pee, pop the comment and drag you out of there. Gotta pack your clothes, my sleep apnea machine. Fuck you. I ain't doing blow no more. Someone has to pack your sleep apnea machine. Fuck yeah. See little snot in the mask and shit from the night before.

Fuck you. That was part of the reason why I quit doing blow. But back to the dog crystal. That killed me for years. Killed me. And I remember when I went to, when I was in the halfway house in Boulder, they caught me doing blow one time.

They made me go like to an outpatient halfway house. And that was like the first time I had thought about crystal. I'd been like seven years. And I remember I got really sad for a few days because I always thought like I left crystal out there. I never left crystal. I had to get rid of crystal. I couldn't take it where I was going.

I was 16 years old. I couldn't afford my own apartment. Nobody's gonna give me money to pay my own rent and keep crystal and half the things I had to give up. So you live in your fucking learn, Lisa. But that's why I'm a good pet owner now. And then Hercules. I had Hercules from fucking day one.

Really? Yeah. My friend George Karobatsis gave him Hercules. You never met George Karobatsis. He was a guy up in Aspen, Colorado. I had a, my friend had a dog named Sarge. My friend George Birkel had a dog named Sarge. And he left with a chick.

And he gave me and his brother Sarge. Then his brother said, I can't take care of Sarge. You take Sarge. So my wife at the time, Jackie's mother, really liked Sarge. He was an Austrian shepherd. And we really played with, we had Sarge for about a year and a half. And one day George came back and he goes,

I want the dog back. I didn't really like the guy and I didn't really want to fucking go back and forth with him. So I gave him the dog back. And my wife still missed the dog at the time. Who's she with my girlfriend at the time? So I told my friend George and he gave me this beautiful shepherd named Hercules.

I named him Hercules. And I had Hercules from 1986, when he was a puppy, to 1994. And then I gave him to my friend to hold for three days. And I go, take him for three days, I'm going to New York and I'll be back, I'm going to do comedy. This is when I first got into comedy, a friend of mine set up a gig.

And when I came back, I go, where's the dog? And he goes, your wife came over and said, you called her. I said, come take the dog. I never saw that dog again. No. Yeah, Hercules was my German shepherd. So trust me, when I made commitments this last time with the cats, I made commitments.

I made sure that shit wasn't gonna happen to me. If my marriage breaks up, I lose my cats. It would kill me. It would kill me. I love my fucking cats. I love that that's your reasoning though. I can't break up because of the cats. You know, I don't think when I was 20s and my 30s,

I didn't think things out and I did things I shouldn't have done, you know? Because when you do stupid things, you hurt people around you. But sometimes it goes deeper than that. It goes into your animals. It goes into, you know, it goes into so much. You go to jail.

What are you gonna do with your fucking cats? Yeah. You take your cats with you and shit? Fuck no. CSNBC will give you cats 10 years later. And they'll bring them to the jail, but they ain't the fucking cat you left behind or the dog you left behind.

Did you ever run into dog fighting when you were out? Like, did you ever like experience that? Cause I just read another article this week and it's just so terrible. Is it still going on? Yeah. Where? Like south, it's really big in the south.

So Michael Vick's cousins are at it. Oh yeah, they kept up with the cat. What'd you read about? This dude was making them run on treadmills. And then I've just like, I've seen all the shows where they talk about, like they have ones that they just, like the weak ones,

they just throw in the middle to train them. And then they, I don't know, it's just all terrible. So like, it's like the other end of the spectrum. Like, how could you, how could you do that to an animal? And I just, I didn't know if you ever saw it when you were like out.

No, I never, I saw chickens. Really? On a hundred and fucking 40, 35th street. Was that scary? I didn't even react to it. I'm scared of chickens. So I don't want to talk with them. What do I do?

You don't like chickens? Hell no. What do they do to you? I just, you know, they just got claws and shit and they're fucking feathers all over the place. And I did, they're just unstable when you touch them. I just don't want to, you know, when I grab you, I want you to hang out.

I don't want you to fucking try to get away. And I got, and what, you know, who's got a pet chicken? You got a chicken to kill a chicken to make soup, right? Nobody hangs out to a pet. You never seen nobody walking their fucking chicken down the block, do you? I think Rogan has chickens.

Yeah, but he kills them. They lay eggs. They think it's a shit. I don't fucking know. I don't want to talk to them about his chickens. I don't really like those chickens. No, I just don't have no use for them. They scare the shit out of the chickens.

All those fucking birds, roosters, chickens, eagles. They just got a creepy fucking look to them. I don't want to hang around. I mean, if I have to have a chicken around for santeria purposes, I ain't got to cut the head off. I have somebody else cut the fucking head off. Did you ever do that? Like actually have like a live chicken

that you had to kill? Oh fuck yeah. I shit my pants. I can't do that stuff. I can't kill nobody. I thought his mom did it once, she said. And it was terrifying. I can't kill no fuck.

I have friends fucking, they just ripped the chicken's head off. They bleed on the saints and shit. I can't do that. That's too deep for me. It's funny when I was a kid, I wouldn't fucking react to it that much. But then as I got older in the santeria,

I didn't like it. I just walked out of the room. Fuck that shit, killing animals in front of me. Then they want to serve them to you. Like later on, they want to cook them and give them to you. Like I just saw this motherfucker alive an hour ago. I'm going to eat him now. Fuck you.

Yeah, I couldn't do that either. I ain't got that type of fucking patience, Lisa, I am. I'm going to Oklahoma City. You excited? Yeah, I am excited. I like traveling again, man. Even though it's fucking for one day. I like it.

I like talking to these people on Twitter. I really enjoy myself. It's a cycle now, you know? It's not like doing regular comedy. I know how these fucking people from Twitter. Yeah, you guys should introduce yourself with your Twitter name. Cause when you say like, hi, I'm Pete.

And then you're like, oh, I'm at this. Like that's what I know you by. So it's like, it's crazy whenever you meet new Twitter people. It's always cool. It's always so much fun. And they'll say, hi, I'm Joe, but I'm really XP9. Yeah.

You're like, holy fuck, how fucking cool is that? So I go to Oklahoma City this week and Denver next week. That's fun. So I'm excited about that. And then I got a couple of weeks off. But Denver's going to be cool because it's like an anniversary of getting kicked out. Yeah, 20 fucking years.

I left Denver, June 30th or something, 1985, 95, like July, something like that, something in June. Do you think like the first time you walk up on stage, you're going to like get fucked up a little bit? No. No, you don't think so? No. I don't get emotional like that.

You don't. Cause you remember all these dates. You're really, you're a sentimental person, I think more than most. I remember shitty dates. So I remember, I remember where I was that day. I like to remember shitty parts of my life to keep, it's like having a compass.

It's like, you know where you are, you know? Like when people go, oh, I'm having a bad day. And I go, you know what? Two years ago today, I was having a bad day. This ain't bad. I'm eating, I'm swimming, I'm having a good fucking time. A lot of people, I save it as a meter in my life, you know? So.

That is right. You don't really have that many happy ones. I mean, they might've been fun, but it's. June of eight of 95, I left Colorado. And I left because the kids, I was gonna get in trouble there with the ex-wife, something was gonna happen. But the real reason was I got thrown out of the comedy works. Listen, man, if you wanna run with the big boys,

you gotta run with the big boys. And that time it was Whitsend, McKelvies, and the suburbs of Denver, and you had a club in Colorado Springs or some shit, but they weren't the fucking comedy works, bro. At the comedy works, you're working with top-notch fucking people every week, you know? Especially when you're starting,

you get to work with these guys, then watch them and talk to them, and ask them a question to when it molds who you are. You know, it just gives you answers, you know? You see different styles of comedy every week, you know? So for me to get thrown out of there, it was like I had nothing. I got no fucking relationship with my child, really.

I'm killing myself, I'm living like a dog. I'm doing fucking, I'm living on crime. I'm doing crime 24-7, except for the check. I was getting on the first of the month from money I'd put away from the sports betting service. I think I was making a living, I was delivering Chinese food, but I was selling blow at the same time

and doing comedy and fucking selling pills. So something was going to happen. And when I got the call from her in like April, saying, you banned, that's it. I was like, what am I doing? So the only reason I live in Boulder, because the top money I was gonna make in that field was gonna be like maybe 12, 12, 15 an hour.

That's it. I felt like an old guy in a college town. You know those old guys in the college? That's what I felt like. So nothing was working out. So what am I doing here? I'm fighting with somebody that I'm gonna end up fucking doing something too really bad

and then I'm not gonna have any dream. Right now I have a dream to be a comic and I have the chance of a lifetime. I just got thrown out of the top club. I have nothing holding me down here. All I have to do is get to a market that has a lot of comedy. And also when I meet a girl, she moves to Seattle.

Seattle has a ton of fucking comedy. So sometimes even if you don't wanna do something, the window opens and you have to take the fucking opportunity. Were you disappointed at all at the beginning? Cause like it seems like your first reaction would be like, fuck, I'm fucked now. And like not a lot of people make that this like,

oh, it could be a positive thing. I'll tell you something. I'm writing this book and I think about some of the things I did that I think were bad. If I tell you something, I've never fucking told you or any people who listen to this show or cop out. But I gotta tell you something, I figured out that I remember writing something about 1985.

I was writing about how I acted. If you look at my behavior, I don't have the time to sit here right now and to tell you all the fucking things I did. But if you look at my behavior, it was to leave and never come back. Like I wanted something to happen to force me that I never had to come back, you know what I'm saying?

Like you want to leave but never come back. I wanted to make fucking sure I never came back to this fucking hell all the fuck, you know? So that's why I did have the fucking craziness I did. In Boulder, I never wanted to leave. I never wanted to leave Boulder, bro. You like it that much? I liked it.

I liked my life there. I liked the people. Listen, man, I was lying to myself. I was doing drugs, but I was taking care of myself. I was really working out hard. I was running. I was breathing in the hills. I wasn't smoking cigarettes.

I wasn't doing shit. I really had a great life there. But the reminder was that I got arrested there. That was never gonna go away. That feeling of, I got arrested here. Everybody knows me, but they don't know me for nothing good. They know me for something bad. Now I'm gonna sit here and prove to them

I'm not really a kidnapper, but I'm still doing glory fucking day. I wasn't getting nowhere. The kid, I loved the kid. The kid was my life, but they were taking my life away from me, so I had to make a choice. And comedy was the only fucking answer.

Somebody asked me the other day what I thought about John Jones and that whole situation. And I love John. I've had a couple of meets with him where I've laughed and we've talked about New York or his brothers in football, fear of a black planet and public enemy and all that type of stuff. And I love John.

And I can't say any harsh words for John. Jones, Jones. Because I know that eventually, the fighting will mean more to him than whenever he's going through. I'm really lucky. I'm not lucky because I'm sitting here with you, Lee. I'm not lucky because I have a podcast with you.

That's great. I'm not lucky because I have a daughter now, I have a second chance. I'm not lucky, I have a beautiful wife. I'm lucky that I found something that overpowered the drugs. A lot of people don't find something like that, Lee. They never fucking do. I found something that made me go,

wait a second, this is me starting all over again. For you to start doing something, what pushes you to do something, these guys suck. I could do this just as good at these guys. Finally, one day, after I got the longest yard and a bunch of other shit, I sat there one day in 2006 and said, look at these people that are doing fucking great things.

They're not even that fucking good. Could you imagine if I stopped fucking getting high where we'd be and this is where we are today? I have my daughter today because I stopped getting high. I met you because I stopped getting high. We have a great podcast, we're going on 290 episodes. You think I could have met for the first year and a half? I would have showed up here in 26, sober

and ready to do a podcast. I would have left you here 10 times by now if I was still doing blow at six in the morning. I would have left you here a ton of times by yourself. Jesus. I wouldn't even have called if I'd be too paranoid to call you. So that's how lucky I am I got off this shit.

That's fucked up. We're very lucky, man. And that's all I pray for for John Jones, that he loves fighting more than he loves party. But it's possible that he won't. Like it's possible that he'd just go deep into the party. There's a lot of people who do. Listen, man, let me tell you something.

There's nobody who's intelligent that wouldn't weigh the options like John Jones. There's a lot of people who fall for it. They really, for you to stop doing anything bad, you really have to see something good. And a lot of people don't see the good. When I was 25, if you came to me and had this conversation where you immediately had probably shoot you

because I saw nothing good in my life. So the only way to get rid of the bad stuff is to see good things. And then you do a little couple more good things. Oh, I did this pretty good. Let me do this. Let me do this. But I guess it depends on what you consider good

cause like most people would think being UFC champion and being a millionaire would be good. No, for some people just getting up in the morning and going to work and not killing somebody's good. And they know it when they get back home. When they put the fucking key in to twist it, they're like, I get back home without fucking getting into an altercation or doing this

or calling somebody a con to doing that. You know, Lee, it's true. There's some people that have a hard time keeping it together without a drink or whatever the fuck it is. So you have to pray that you find one good thing. And you know, I never had shit that was good but little by little I started accumulating things.

I mean, Terry was a big part of it. Terry came into my life 15 years ago this July, July 1st. Wow. I mean, I met her like two weeks before and we dated and went to like jack in the box and giggled and shit. I would break her balls, but we got serious. And we went to Lake Havasu together to do comedy

and the car broke down with Finney. She brought, that's how much she loved that kitten. She goes, I'll go to Lake Havasu with you but I'm bringing my cat. I ain't gonna know without my fucking cat. Was she doing comedy or she just came to be with you? She just came to drive me into, we wanted to date the Lake Havasu.

I was gonna say that. That was reminding her first, like, I don't know because we had gone out to dinner. We had met a couple of times and just had a few cocktails and just talked and shit and swaps spit. It was nothing seriously. And then you're on the way to Lake Havasu. And then we're on the way to Lake Havasu

because the feature act I was doing it with didn't wanna go, he got sick. So I couldn't blow the gig. It was like 500 bucks and I was making rent money. So I go, you gotta do me a favor, you gotta drive me to Lake Havasu. And she's like, are you fucking serious? I go, you got no work.

What are you gonna do? There ain't shit to do. Let's do something. So we went to Lake Havasu, the car almost blew up, the cat got out of the box and got underneath her gas pedals. Oh no. Yeah, it was fucking a nightmare. Yeah.

That's so, I can never imagine that now just because all the conversations we have, if I told you I was gonna go anywhere with Paula and an animal in the car, you would yell at me for 30 kilometers. Oh my God, I didn't fucking know. I didn't fucking know till I got there. She's like, hey, I'm taking the cat,

I can't leave him here alone. I'm like a fucking cat. And then we brought him into the hotel room when we saw the fans. He fucking ran up on the closet and he went to jump on the closet and he fell. It was a nightmare. My wife wouldn't leave the room,

so I had to go do the gig by myself. And I came back and she's pet and finny. I'm like, oh, I'm not gonna get none tonight because she's with this fucking cat. Oh yeah, my wife loved that fucking cat. That's how much she loved the cat. She's like, I'll go with you, but I'm bringing the fucking cat with me.

And she brought the fucking kitten. He was like 10 months old maybe. Oh no way. And he was crazy. Just running everywhere? In the car, in the fucking dodge, running everywhere. She had to dodge something,

some type of dodge, dart. I don't fucking know. Oh, like what, a small one? Yeah, like a four door car. Who the fuck knows what it was? Yeah, bro. When I take out a date, I take out a fucking daily, all right?

We go to Lake Havasu, not in style, but we went to Lake Havasu, we're one of those fucking things. So it was funny last night, we were talking with your buddy Zach. Yeah. From V-MAC, who was one of the first guys that really was the guy that, he's a big guy.

So as soon as I got to V-MAC, they gave me him. And he would teach me stuff. And I thought about him last night when I went home. You know, he came to the show. He's a great kid. Yeah, he's nice. And he's just a young kid, and you're his age. And it's funny how last night I was telling you

that it's a good idea if you go fuck around with him once a week. I think you're really liking it. I think that's why I said once a week, because the first five weeks in jitsu, once you do those hip escapes in there, ooh. You're gonna be sore the next week. I'll be sore?

Fuck yeah, but that's what it's all about. You're gonna use muscles you never used before. It's right here. I might as well at least try it. It's fucking right around the corner, man. Right around the fucking corner. And you know, this guy in Chicago, way before I tried jiu-jitsu, said to me that

when you get into jiu-jitsu for the first while, train with people that love you, that aren't gonna hurt you by mistake. And he loves you. And he's gonna know what your limitations are. Only she should do a couple of hip escapes and your head turns red. But he's gonna-

My head's gonna be red from the beginning. He's gonna teach you all the right things, Lee. Oh yeah, he's doing nice. You're gonna come home and you're gonna go, you know, man, wow, I do 60 minutes on the elliptical and I couldn't do fucking two of those things. I almost died from my breath escape. And you're gonna see that,

how all the different exercises work different things. You told me that the first time you got in the elliptical, 15 minutes, you went home and slept for four hours. I slept for like 18 hours, dude. We were on Logan that day and I just fucking, I tried to watch it and I fucking just slept, basically the entire day. I would wake up for like 20 minutes.

Now, when you go in the elliptical, when you walk out of there, how do you feel? I'm tired, I'm really sweaty. I always, my t-shirt's always sweaty, but- But do you feel, is it euphoric? Do you feel good about yourself? I do feel more pumped up. Like, I'll, because a lot of times on the weekends

when Paul and I are going, we'll be like, eh, I don't wanna go. We'll be kind of down when we go in, but it's always happier when you leave. You got like a little confidence here? Yeah, probably. Because if you go do that, which is the hardest thing for a guy like you or myself

is to walk into a fucking gym. As you're walking in, you're saying to yourself, I don't need this. I'd really doubt it. Like, how many days a week do you go leave now? I try to go seven, but usually at least six. I go almost every day, man. I really try to.

God bless you, man. That's really good of you. Again, a year ago, this is why I say that you get dates. Yeah, June 20th, June 20th, this morning here. A year ago, you weren't fucking doing this. You were listening to me going, he's crazy. No, I knew I needed to, I didn't want to. But in the back of your mind, you're going, he's crazy.

Going to a gym in the darkness and getting on stairs and sweating. Who needs that in their life? And now it becomes a part of you. And after you do, and you like the fucking bicycle. I really liked that class. Yeah, the seat was really hard. So like, my legs were really sore the next day,

but it was fun. It made the hour go by a lot quicker. You're not gonna go back? I might. Paul has a bad knee, so she doesn't want to do it again, but I might try it. You're a good dude, brother. You're a bad motherfucker, you know what I'm saying?

You really got one shit going on with the other. You know? I'm trying. Well, here, it's the end of the fucking month. We were gonna put a guest on tonight, and we said fuck it, it's just me and my main man, Lisa Ayat, reviewing the fucking month. What's going on next month?

We got a great week next week. You know, shit like that's happened. Josh has a new show on CMT. That's gonna be a late night talk show. And I think I'm doing the third night. So Josh's gonna be on next week when I have a couple people. He and Edward's gonna be on next week.

We got my man, Martin. The systemic guy's gonna be on next couple of weeks. Darren Carter, got a couple of surprised fucking people. Call me recently. Gonna get your boy Stephen Bauer again. This time he wants to sing the doors with the wig on. It's all over. Like this is kind of what we were talking about

with Bert and Tom. It's like all these people are starting to get stuff. Now Josh Wolf has a show and already has a show. So it just like, as like you being you, do you think, oh, it's like, it's getting to be my turn. Like it's like, everyone around me is getting it. Like do you allow yourself to think like that? No.

No, I would. I'm very happy coming over here, Lee. I'm very, very happy walking over here at night and sitting here with you. If we did a show, the production would be better. But I don't know how we would translate this to TV or show. I'm not even saying this, but I'm just saying you might get a movie.

You might get a different kind of show. You know, I'm the type of person, man. I'm really happy with what I got. I wasn't supposed to get the longest yard. I wasn't supposed to get grudge match. You know, this time I forgot I was in Spider-Man 2. I forgot so many fucking things that I've done. You know, people remind me, hey,

somebody said that they saw me an old episode of ER from 2003. No way, you did ER? Yeah, I did ER. They cut my hand, they cut my hand and shit. One, I was a co-star. It doesn't matter. I did these things and sometimes I forget

and I can't believe I'm doing it. And listen, and I'm telling you this is on, if I would've done one thing, like if I would've just got ER, I would've been happy. For me to get the opportunities I did to do R-List with James Colburn and to do, you know, all these fucking dumb movies I've done and shit, it's tremendous.

So to get another movie or something, it's great. But I'm not. I'm very happy with what they've given me. I'm very happy doing this, Lee. I'm very happy opening up my heart to people on this thing to make somebody's day go by a lot easier. You know, sometimes I say something about drugs and somebody will hear and go,

Jesus, I thought I'm the only one that felt that way. No, a lot of people feel that way. And that's something I was naive too. In my 30s, I thought I was the only person that was feeling the anger and the shit I was feeling and the confusion. No, people do it now at their fucking 30s. You know, they don't know what their next move is,

what they want to do. So it's good that we talk. I like this, Lee. But if somebody told me what to say, I couldn't do it. I don't want to fucking do that. No, it wouldn't be good. I don't think. I don't want to do that right now.

I'm too old. I don't want to be, you know, look at me. I got white hair. Every time I shoot something, they fucking die it. I just want to have white hair. Nobody wants to see a white hair guy. You know, and I'm not trying to act like I'm fucking 20 or 30.

Whatever the fuck I am, but I have a good time doing it. I don't give a fuck. You don't see me with a goatee shaving my head with designer jeans. I got some Lee jeans. I finally got my size, 44 30s. Do you like them? Yup, yup.

I like that cut because fucking, Target stopped making my fucking jeans. They started bringing in, that's fucked up. So now they started bringing in wranglers and shit. They pissed me off. But the other shit they had, those jeans, those light jeans I had. I've had these for six, seven years from Target

since I moved up here. I won't fucking, I won't get rid of these things. These are the most comfortable pants I've ever had in my life. Oh my God. But now fucking Target cut those off. So I've had to turn back to conventional wranglers and Lee's.

I'm not too happy about it. So I've tried everything. The other night I tried to leave eyes. Okay. I tried to leave eyes, they were okay because I forgot what it felt like to have fucking leave eyes on. And then I tried to Lee jeans and they're okay.

So let's see what happens. So then I got my old fucking Target pants on. But somebody asked me that day, man, I'm gonna take you to go clothes shopping for those pants. I've got them for you for like $125. I don't want no fucking designer pants. I can't sell designer jeans.

I got no ass. I got nothing fucking designer jeans. You go commando sometimes. So it's like really important that like soft and doesn't have like a jagged piece of clothes. Yeah. I don't want no fucking. Sometimes I forget to put underwear on.

I'm gonna rush and shit. You know, sometimes I go to the gym. You can't wear your sweaty underwear with your jeans. So when I leave jiu-jitsu, I just take those underwear off. They're fucking sweaty. They're fresh. I just put them on before like tomorrow

before I go to jiu-jitsu. I'll put a brand spanking brand new pair of meandes on or cotton ones, you know, but I'll put meandes on because it keeps my nuts out intact. When I finished doing jiu-jitsu, the meandee underwear is drenched. Not really drenched, but it feels like there's sweat on it. I can't put my jean over it.

So if I'm at jiu-jitsu, I just take the whole thing off and put on a pair of dirty jeans and driving the car like at home and I take a shower at the house. I don't wear jiu-jitsu pants in my car and then bring that foot fungus in the nice seat. And now you got a combination of foot fungus

and ass in your fucking seat. Do you like super wash your feet? Cause I was watching some jiu-jitsu and like you're grabbing people's feet. I don't grab nobody's feet. That's happens when you're a blue belt. I'm never gonna be a blue belt because I ain't grabbing nobody's feet.

Okay, I don't want my pants. And guess what? I got that fucking fungi toe. Nobody wants to grab my foot either. So fuck it, we got a storm made here. Okay, so I have a while before people start touching my feet. Oh, you got two years before you got to touch somebody's foot and they touch your fucking foot.

Okay, thank God. Yeah, it's not, it's great. You're gonna love it. Shit, look at that. Wow. Itchy fucking back. That's over. I don't have to tell you.

I'm pretty high. Yeah, me too. I was thinking about something today. What were you thinking about, Lee? Okay, you're the worst person to ask this to but just I understand you have a lot on your plate in the future anywhere. Would you ever consider directing something?

No. Never? I don't know how to direct. Yeah, but you learn all about it. Yeah, I don't know how to fucking direct. So why would I get myself involved in something? I don't know what I'm doing. Nothing bothers me more when I see a movie

and I'm directed by an actor. You know what they do? What? They hire a good DP and the DP has to show the guy what shoots, what seems to shoot and direct it and that's what happens. That's what happens. But some people think directing is taking a shot

from the ashtray with the cigarette burning to show the director how DP is. That's not what I wanna see. I want the story simplified for me. I want it to play with my head. I just showed you a great clip before the movie started. I showed you a clip of that you never saw before. Right.

Kiss me, you're all fucking. The deer hunter. The deer hunter when he goes back to Vietnam to get his buddy played by Christopher Walken and he's playing fucking Russian roulette. When that movie came out, you know how many fucking kids died after that from playing Russian roulette? No.

Oh my God, everybody started playing fucking Russian roulette. Oh, those fucking idiots. No. I was at a house one time where a kid pulled a gun and started playing Russian roulette. Fuck you. I got the fuck right out of there, bitch. Oh, thank God.

Fuck you, I ain't that dumb. That's so stupid. Fuck you. So this isn't a new thing with kids being stupid on the internet, just that they were always. That wasn't on the internet. I know, but they're still doing it. They did that.

You can't play on the internet then. And there was the thing where kids committing suicide, listening to fucking Ozzy Osbourne backwards and shit, playing the music backwards. Judas Priest with one of those bands. Kids are always gonna have something and they're always gonna point their fingers at something, the parents.

When they should point their fingers at themselves. The kid was missing something. You didn't notice it again. If I notice, first of all, I'm the type of person that if you get a haircut, I'll notice it. And I go out of my way to do that, to have that skill. Because that means I'll see something that's out of place. So I train myself to look at women's hair

and look at their hands. And I always compliment the woman on her hair or somebody gets a haircut. I train myself in that. You do do that a lot. All the time. Because I wanna know if something's out of order. So what would you do if I had like a weird haircut?

I compliment you, I didn't tell you you look good. I'm lying. But my point is that that's why I do that. Because I try to notice people. A lot of people live their life without noticing people. That's why I hate this fucking phone now. Because for years, people have lived without noticing people.

Now without the phone, they're gonna notice themselves more. Do you file, that's why I pissed. I don't say that to you to break your balls, Lee. I say that to you because I don't want you on the phone the day time. Tell Paul to call you, she got something to say. You know what happens when your head's down? You get hit with a missile.

And when I say a missile, I could mean anything. A black guy with a pair of knuckles, a chicken umbrella, a car that goes off there. But there you are looking at the phone. Don't take your phone out. Tell people you need me, you call me the day time. I ain't got time to stop in the middle of the street and text you, you're not looking.

You're not paying attention. That's the first thing your mother told you. So if we weren't noticing shit 20 years ago, now people, I see my wife doing it all the time. Today I was sitting there with mercy and I saw my wife getting in the car and I saw a homeless guy catch him watching my wife. If I were to send something to my wife,

she was in the car texting. I go, look up, huh? And then she looked at me instead of looking at the guy two feet from her. That guy could just come bit slapping in the fucking face by the time you notice what's going on. Put the fucking phone away. That's why when people text me the day time,

I don't answer them back, I don't even reply to them. I ain't putting my head down. You need me? You fucking call. It's my playing field. I'm like the 90s and 81 bitch. I don't give a fuck. You can't put a hundred dollar bill over the phone

so I ain't really missing none. The people who give me work, they don't text me. The only people who's gonna text me will work and people who ain't paying. So I don't give a fuck. I ain't looking down. I don't ever look fucking down. I look straight ahead all the fucking time.

It is scary when you see other people texting. But I've done it. I've seen people walking and texting. That gives me a woman walking and texting. That gives me a shot to get behind the bush, up the corner. And you're not gonna see me. By the time you get to me, you're in the fucking phone. I already got, what's your phone gonna do?

You ain't got no bullets in that fucking phone. Put the fucking phone away. Pay attention to life. It's moving fast, man. It moves fast. That's why I don't like that shit. Not because I'm an old man or Joey doesn't like technology because I don't see the wisdom in it.

I'm not looking straight ahead. And straight ahead is the only way your eyes are supposed to fucking look. I got time to be reading Twitter in a daytime. Once I do my Twitter, I move the fuck on, Jack. If I know I'm gonna get a message from somebody on Twitter, I'll check it. But I don't fucking need to tweet you a picture of my dog

or something. If I'm in a hotel, I'll take a picture of my weed and I'll send it out to you. But I don't wanna Instagram either. I don't wanna fucking Instagram either. Somebody asked me, why don't you have an Instagram account? But I could, because I ain't Johnny fucking photographer. I ain't got time to be taking pictures.

Don't be blurry. Fuck you, I ain't got time for that shit. You wanna see what I see? Move to Northern California. What the fuck I live? What do we live? Southern California. That's right, Lee Cox second.

What do you got planned for the weekend with mama? She wants to go to a comedy show, so we'll probably go somewhere. So where you taking a Saturday night? I don't know. There's no one at the improv that I can remember. So I'll probably take her to the store or something. Let's just fucking take a plane to Oklahoma

with Uncle Joey, catch a tornado. Let's see what the fuck's crackin' lackin'. Let's do it. When was the last time you were in Oklahoma? I think I did a college there in 1998. That's it. That's it. I can't imagine you doing a lot of college gigs.

That was my mistake. I think I said something, they got pissed off. I forget who booked me in the gig. Somebody fell out and they booked me at the last minute or something like that. Who gives a fuck? Listen people, let me talk to you guys about something real quick and real interesting.

We give you the podcast for free, okay? We don't charge you. I don't wanna die from you people. You people work hard. Lee and I do not mind comin' in here and doin' this twice a week. You know, when we got into the podcast, you know, myself and Felicia or even Lee,

we started this as just a thing, an outlet for us. But then in time, people started offering you stuff. I gotta tell you somethin', I get, since I've been doin' this podcast, I can exaggerate, I get three offers a month of people that want us to help them, whether it's selling stuff or, and we have agents to help us with people.

And then I talk to people and I take requests for sponsorships and I look at the stuff. Guys, we get a lot of shit. I could sit here and just do an hour of podcast and probably make 100 fuckin' grand a week. But I don't wanna insult your intelligence and I want you to listen to the podcast. I want you to hang out with us.

So, you know, Nature Box, they give you something for free. I like Nature Box. When I get high, I tear that fuckin' shit up. Whatever the fuck they give me. It's delicious, it tastes great. Nature Box came along, I got some stuff sent to the house. I tried it, I told them yes, I did some reading up on it. Now I'm giving you a box for free, okay?

A year later. Me on these.com, you know, underwear. Who the fuck thinks about underwear? They sent me a box. I put it on, I tried them, I like them, I like how it feels with jeans. I bring them to you, you know? I get shit sent to me all the time.

But I don't even, I try the t-shirts, they feel like shit or I try something to eat and it tastes like ass. Some guy sent me some granola, oh god. You know, you just get shit sent that people, they don't think it out and then they're trying to get on a shark tank or whatever. Everybody wants exposure for their products.

But I have a guy that every time he hits me up with products he sends me not one box, but a couple boxes. And he sends me all the literature on it and it gives me a chance to read it and then we talk about it, but what he does, he sends me something else other than Yelp. Like the customer things. And this was a product that came to me

and I really fucking dug it and I tell you why I dug it because everything came in a box. When me and my wife got it, we got three different meals. The one was like a turkey, tetrazine or something like that. I forget what it was, don't quote me. But the one was an iron skillet steak, but a flat steak. Oh nice. And the other one was a hika fish,

some type of fish, we bought a bellow mushrooms and stuff. Oh, that's nice. So one night we got home late for something and our wife goes, hey, we got that, the blue apron stuff. Right. And the male from Oxford, why don't we cook the dinner? We did the fish, the haku fish, that's what it's called. Okay.

Haku fish with portobello mushrooms. First off, it took 20 minutes to make. All the ingredients went in there. I mean, from the start. Like everything you need. Everything I needed was in this fucking thing. So boom, we made it together. I looked at the fish was delicious.

The mushrooms were fresh. I forget what the side dish was, I'm sorry, but everything was really delicious. And when I went to do the reading up on it for the serving they gave me, it was like 600 calories. Everything's under 700. Protein, this, that, everything was broken up. I was really fucking impressed.

And then I started thinking about it. I'm like thinking, all right, so a guy like Lee, is this what Lee, so I looked at the menu. I made the iron skillet with my wife. And that came with caramelized onions or something. I forget what that one, again, fucking delicious. The side dish was a vegetable thing, which I didn't like, but the fucking steak was good.

And just because I didn't like the vegetables, this doesn't mean normal people like to fucking vegetables. And I forget what the dessert was and the whole thing. Okay, I went online, I did some more reading. Let me tell you guys something. Okay, let's say you work. All right, and I'm taking the time to do this because I look at this shit.

This is important to me. I'm a fucking econ major, right? So if you get home and you work five days a week, you get home at five, you go to jujitsu, you go to the gym, you stop at somebody's house, you get home at 6.30, you're fucking starving, all right? The family deal is $8.74 per night for three people to eat, like two adults and two kids.

Total? Total. Wow. The fucking, you have to go online to see this. Go to blueapron.com to see this. The single guy thing is $59 per week, right? And that's three meals per week. First off, no single guy, even Lee.

Cooks more, he'll cook three nights a week. No, it won't. If you have this, you will. No, that's what I'm saying. If you have this, you will. This is made for me. That's what I'm saying. Because I used to go, you cook one thing,

that's terrible. Wait, what the fuck do you think I'm dealing with? That's what I'm saying. I started thinking about how this could help my podcast and I go, wait a second, this is perfect because I deal with a lot of guys that are single or you guys like the sling dick or you guys got some fucking girlfriends.

This is good because that means three nights a week, you get home and there's three dinners. It costs you $59. Unless you're eating Burger King or McDonald's or shit food, with a tip and everything that comes along with it, you ain't gonna get the food that comes in here for $59 for fuck. That's 240 a month.

Everybody spends an average of a yard a week at the fucking supermarket. At least. Right? So if I take 60 off you, now I leave you 40, fucking miscellaneous, what you gonna stop which I understand for whatever your budget is. It's not fucking bad guys, the meal they give you.

Let me give you some fucking examples here, right? This week, all right, 525. This is what you could pick from. Indian chicken thighs, sugar snap peas, fingerlings and p-tips, all right? Seared salmon with sorrel and fiddle head, fern salad and creamy barley, all right? Fern salad and creamy barley

or Chicago style beef sub with roasted potatoes and pepper onions, that's the regular. That's the three meals you get this fucking week, okay? Let's say you're a vegetarian. You get the Jailan and cashew fried rice with sweet potato and miso butter. You get the beluga lentil salad with asparagus, egg, piave, french breakfast radish,

or you get the frugola starter with peas, ramps, walnuts, mint and palm. That's what you get if you're a vegetarian. You can't fucking lose with this, okay? And it changes every week. The last thing anybody wants to do after work is wait online at a fucking grocery store or better yet, slap home and cook

some fucking meal or whatever. For less than $10 per meal, Blue Apron will send you fresh ingredients, perfectly fucking proportion, making cooking healthy fucking easiest shit. You bring a chick over, you can impress as you end up sucking your dick. This is how good this shit is.

Blue Apron is perfect for date night, cooking with friends and even other family fucking plans. Let's say your family comes over, you cook for them, you wanna impress them. But the best thing is you have a meal and you learn how to cook this shit healthy. They work around your schedule and they work around dietary preferences.

So Blue Apron's expert source, the only the best seasonal ingredients for incredible meals like meal one or meal two. Indian chicken thighs, sugar snap peas, fingerlings and pea tips, or a seared salmon with sorrel and fiddle head, fern salad with creamy barley, or the Chicago style Italian beef salad

with roasted potatoes, peppers and onions. You ever get home at seven o'clock and you want something, you imagine having the Chicago style fucking, listen, let's end this conversation. You wanna cook incredible meals and you wanna be blown away by quality and freshness, correct?

Blue Apron is the better way to cook. Do me a favor, check out this week's menu and I'm gonna give you two meals for free by going to blueapron.com slash Joey. You hear me? Blueapron.com slash Joey. My treat, really the first two meals are on me. When you go to blueapron.com slash Joey.

And that's it, I'm breaking it down for you motherfuckers. This is a great fucking deal. You know, we're not gonna read these every week for you. I'm not gonna break your ball in this. Do me a favor, go to Blue Apron right now and press in the box, what? Slash Joey. With capitals.

I don't think it matters. And I'm gonna give you two fucking meals for free. But try it in capitals. I'm gonna give you two meals for free, all right? And I'm not gonna stop there. Again, I'm gonna give you two meals. I'm gonna give you a box of fucking snacks. Naturebox.com, dietitian, nutritionist approved,

sealed, they get delivered right to your fucking house. No drama, no fucking games, okay? You can't beat that. Right to your fucking door. All I'm telling you is go to naturebox.com and in the box pressing. Joey. They're gonna send you a five sampler box

right to your fucking door. No crying, no bullshit. It's free shipping to an extent. I think it's like $1.90 or something like that. Who gives a fuck? Take a chance, Columbus did. Stop sitting there going, I got no snacks to eat. Uncle Joey's giving you some on the arm.

You're gonna fucking love it. Then you're gonna order it on yourself. But they're gonna turn you on. Nobody, when you go buy blow, they give you anything for free? Fuck no. Go to naturebox.com right now and press in. Joey.

And I'm gonna give you three bags, five bags altogether. Three little ones and two big ones. Tremendous. Sriracha, cashews, the salt and pepper lentils are fucking delicious. The granola, the black and white granola. The black and white granola,

the Hawaiian plantain chips, the Filipino plantain, they got garlic plantain chips now. Garlic plantain chips. Stop fucking around. Go to naturebox.com and get a free box delivered to your house, five fucking days. Go to naturebox.com right now and press in what?

Joey. Joey, J-O-E-Y and get a box. Sent to your house. Now I'm not gonna stop there. I got me undies for you, right? Comfortable. They come in girl sizes, boy clothes. The t-shirts are great.

I wear the t-shirts for you just so they set me a long sleeve one, couple short sleeve ones. They're fucking, they dry right away. The underwear is a tremendous. The girl underwear is a tremendous. But don't listen to me. Go to meundies.com right now. Look at the great selection of men and women's fucking

underwear they have. They got great t-shirts, they got sweatshirts, they got hats, they got some great sweatpants that cut off at the shorts and they got long ones too. Just go, just go. Why are we fucking having this conversation? Go to meundies.com right now and press in. Joey.

And get 20% off your first order and first delivery, whether it's in Canada or the United States, all right? It's for you. You can't beat that for somebody. Free fucking shipping. I ain't fucking around with you. Go to meundies.com right now and look at the great selection they got.

I guarantee you'll be blown the fuck away. Beautiful men's underwear. Comfortable. I got a pair on right now. It's a fucking magnifique kick. I showed you the Sabois Fair ones I had on last week. These are black with a purple stripe. You ain't gonna like it.

I'll take your word for it. It's none of your business. Take my fucking word for it, smart ass. Go to meundies.com right now and press in. Joey. And get your fucking 20% off your first order. Hey, you know me dog, excellence is best. I'm not gonna lie to you.

I had to do a couple shroom texts this week because last week I was a little off and I feel a lot better this week. They say it takes a while for it to get into your system. You know what, once it's in your system the shroom, the alpha brain adjusts. I've been back on these again. Do yourself a favor.

Go to meundies.com right now and press in. Church. And get 10% off your first order from alpha brain. Plus they're having a tremendous fucking sale. Tremendous, new tropics at its best. The new mood, the shroom tech for more energy with the quadricep mushrooms. They're not fucking around anymore.

Go to meundies.com right now. Now they're in Whole Foods in Austin. I mean, this is the real deal, Holy Feel. We started with them when they were nothing, a little fucking company. Go to meundies.com right now, cut the shit and press in. Church.

And get 10% off your first order. They also have to stay on a program. They got the testosterone powder to make you stronger. They've got so many things over now. They're gonna blow your fucking mind. I can sit here for 20 fucking minutes and blow smoke up your ass. But do yourself a favor.

Go to meundies.com right now and see the great selection they have with the tropics and other supplements to get you on fucking tap. Blueaprin.com, honid.com, meundies, and naturebox.com. I love you guys. And a big shout out to Iron Dragon always.

Press in. Joey. Boom! And get two free movies, classic kung fu films sent to your motherfucking house. You understand me? And that's it, baby. I gotta shoot down to the comedy store

and do a set with Timey and Lee. 9.50. 9.50. Well, it's been a hell of a month, man. We'll be back here Monday at eight o'clock. We got a great list of fucking podcasts next month. Thank you for listening this week. Thank you for listening tonight.

It was just me and Lee shooting the shit about what's going on in our lives and other cats and everything. Did I give some shout outs tonight? Fuck no. No, you didn't. Bobby Lalingas from Chicago. You know I love you, cock sucker. Celtic Bolt.

Keep doing what you're doing. Pete Garcia. Thank you every morning. Putting some shit up there for me. Andre Silver, you got a great dad. Ross Dude, love you. Amy and John. Amy, who's better than fucking you?

John C. Get it together, cock sucker. And Robert Lulleridge. That's it, man. I had Jordan Lee on my podcast, Flying to Radio. How's he doing? He's doing really good. He's doing really well. What's he been up to lately?

He's been in a bunch of, he had a movie. He had a Christmas movie he was in. Okay. He's been acting up a storm. Is he? Yeah. Good. Jordan Lee's a kid that we met

and everything's fucking beautiful with him. He's a great kid. And it's business as usual with that motherfucker. Yeah, he's always working. Always working. Always has a fucking positive attitude about some shit. And hey man, this is easy. Don't forget, tomorrow eight o'clock in the morning,

don't forget to tune in to the morning joint with Uncle Joey. We're gonna smoke a joint of this shit, mixed with him with some hash and some gorilla biscuits. I love you guys. Have a great fucking weekend. See you Monday night. Thank you for listening to The Church of What's Happen Now.

I'll see half of you motherfuckers in Oklahoma this weekend. And I'll see the other half of you motherfuckers in Denver, Colorado next weekend at the Comedy Works. Have a great weekend. Thank you. Good night. This show is brought to you by Blue Apron. Blue Apron sends gourmet recipes

and all the fresh ingredients you need to make them right to your door. All listeners get their first two meals free. Just go to blueapron.com slash Joey and start cooking incredible meals at home with Blue Apron. Blueapron.com slash Joey. Now that the show's over, don't forget to go to naturebox.com

and sign up to get your free sample box of great tasting, healthy snacks. Forget the vending machine and start snacking smarter with delicious treats like barbecue kettle kernels. Go to naturebox.com slash Joey. That's naturebox.com slash Joey. Go to meundies.com slash Joey and check out the pics of the men's and women's underwear.

And they have shirts and socks and everything you want to wear. When you use Cobra Joey, you get 20% off your first order in free shipping in the United States and Canada. Go to onit.com slash Cobra church to get 10% off their optimization products like Apple brand new mood,

Shroom Tech community, Shroom Tech sport. It's Cobra church to get 10% off. And go to irondragontv.com and use Cobra Joey to get two free rentals. The So, so you think you could tell, heaven from hell, blue skies from pain, can you tell how the green fields on the coast deal rain, a smile from a van, do you think you can tell? Did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts, hot ashes for trees, hot air for a cold breeze, cold comfort for change?

Did you exchange the walk-on pot and the wall for a lead row in a cage? How I wish, how I wish you were here, We're just two lost souls swimming in a fishbowl, year after year, running over the same old ground, And how we found the same old fields, wish you were here. We're just two lost souls swimming in a fishbowl, year after year, running over the same old ground, And how we found the same old fields, wish you were here. We're just two lost souls swimming in a fishbowl, year after year.