Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #287 - Ian Edwards, Joey Diaz, and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: June 2, 2015

Ian Edwards, Comedian and Television writer. joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. Iron Dragon TV. A New Roku channel with all the best martial arts films. Use Code word joey for two free rentals. HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for five Hit E Cig's for $50 Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by using code word joeydiaz. Music:  Hiot Pants - James Brown I Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet I Left My Heart In San Fran Cisco - Tony Bennet Legalize It - Peter Tosh Recorded on 06/01/2015  

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Two, one, two, three, ah. Hot pants, hey, hot pants, hot pants, hot pants, hot pants. What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? Hot pants, hot pants, hot pants. This is a church that was happening now, cock suckers. Monday, June 1st. Boy. With that body fat, take your pants out on top.

Huh, you're looking much better than time. Just when you thought it was safe, little James Brown for you, cock suckers. I'm thinking of losing that fucking feeling, no. Because you've got to use what you got, the debt is what you want, hey. Oh shit, Lisa Yatch, Ian Edwards, in the motherfucking house.

Oh shit, hey, what? James Brown, I'm the motherfucking mate with Uncle Joe, Ian Edwards, and with motherfucking flying juice, playing it, flaying it, flicking it, sticking it. What, you motherfuckers? Hope you had a great, sensational weekend. We're back for another fun, filled fucking show tonight here. We got my main man, Ian Edwards, in the house.

Yeah, man. The flying Jews in the house, what's up with you? Look at you, you got fucking suntan. I know, I never get suntan, I went into the beach. Your Jewish goes to the beach with all that SPF. We had it, we just didn't use it. You got to use it, next thing you know, you want to sue the fucking son, cock suckers.

These Jews are out there anyway. Can you imagine calling a personal injury lawyer, what are you doing, the son, I want to sue him, I want to take him to the beach. He's like, I think you got a case, you can make this happen. How's your back? I was wearing a shirt, we were, we didn't, You didn't take your shirt off on the beach?

No, we didn't go to the beach. We went to, she got us like a group on for one of those paddle bikes, like kind of a water box she does, except it's like a bike you sit on. So we just went around in the marina, it was fun. I know you think I'm crazy, but it was a marina dollar. If you say I'll deal with them, if you say I'll deal with them.

Yeah, I'll see you, I'll see what you're doing. I'll see you. Fucking amazing thing. You're strong, man, Joey. He couldn't go into the ocean. He could take a shirt with a fucking paddle board about the fucking marina. And there was no sharks there when I needed them.

Next time you're doing that, let me know, I'll put tuna fishing in your pocket, cocksuck and I'll call fucking the jaws, whatever his name. Tuna fishing. What's up with you, player? Man, just came from work and I'm just headed, traffic was easy, I thought it was going to be worse.

And I just made it here and I'm glad to be here, man. And I like fucking with your ideas. I'll fuck with you. Good, good, good. No, no, no, that's tremendous. Now, do you shoot every week or you just write in the six episodes? We're just writing the six right now

and we're going to start shooting in a few weeks. And we should be done by, let's say July and it's going to air in August. And yeah, it should be fun. We'll go over at the Fox lot and just, just niggas on the Fox lot. How fucking great is it to walk on the Fox lot? Especially for me, I got felonies.

Sometimes I walk and they're like, how are you doing, Mr. Diaz? And you're like, if these motherfuckers knew, if they knew and shit, you're mingling and eating with people right here. Yeah, they have no idea. They have no fucking idea. They got shrimp out and ham and cheese sandwiches

and they are mingling, taking shit, housing things. It's funny cause they had like the peanut gang characters like walking around during lunch times, they're taking photos with them. Like, I don't know who's in the costume and they don't know who they're taking photos with. So it's like, it's like, it's whatever. It's great to just walk around the fire.

And it's, my favorite lot is Paramount. That's the one when they walk on the lot and I'm like, damn, I can't believe they let me in here without a fucking security guy on me. I'm just walking around like it's, I'm the first audition I went to was on the Fox lot and I had to walk to the other motherfucking end cause the building that belongs to the dude

who wrote NYPD blew. At that time, that motherfucker had a building, but it was all the way at the end. And you don't know, you got a shirt on Lee. That's, that's son's beat on him. That's a hot lot. That's a hot lot. That's a son.

That's like a equate a lot. The son hits that shit. No, I'm gonna tell you what the hottest lot is. What? Sony. Sony? Really? It's, yeah.

Culver City, right there, Century City, Culver City. Yeah. What street is that? Venice? Washington or something. Yeah, Washington. That lot, Doug, I had a fucking New York. See in the old days, they would let you park

and then walk around the lot. Cross over and you're right there. I think after 9-11, they'd make you cross on that side, make you cross across Washington and go through. So I was used to that easy pimp shit. And also they switched it on my ass. And the hottest day of fucking April, like a March, you know, one of those hot days

that happens in LA. I have a black velour, smoffy sweat, pants fucking, with no underwear on. And I could feel the balls dripping on the velour. You're just dripping by having a glass? Oh my God, and I got to that audition and it was with Spider-Man 2. Oh, shit.

I'll never forget that, I was drenched. And I got in there, there was 30 gangsters in there. I'm like, I'm not getting this. I don't even know where I'm staying. This is a waste of my fucking time. But I got so far wound up and so scared from looking at these motherfuckers, but I just went in there and got it.

You went in there? I just stole it. Like I said, fuck it, I ain't not letting these motherfuckers take it from me. I sweat all the way here, fuck this. Oh my God, I was sweating profusiously, though. It might be a little bit different for you, Joey, because you went on auditions,

but Ian, how many times did you drive by the Fox a lot? And now you're like, it must be crazy. I worked in TV for a few years and I worked on Sunset and Gowerlot, which is gross. I never got to work on a nice Fox, CB, like one of those lots. That's the one thing I wish I had done. It's always kind of amazing.

The thing about the Paramount, like you mentioned, I remember walking on that lot with Humor. You know Humor comic? He's from New York. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know Humor, okay. And then Paramount has that big blue backdrop, like just sitting on the lot and they shoot things there or up against it.

And then one day we was walking there. I forgot why we were there. We weren't, I think we were about to interview for jobs, some writing jobs. And he said, it's a beautiful day, isn't it? I said, what do you mean? And he's like, any day you could walk on the Paramount lot is a beautiful day.

And I was like, oh shit, he's right. We're winning right now. Whether we get these jobs or not. Cause this is what we came here to do. And like we were in the vicinity of it. So I was like, all right, cool. You know, I really like you. I always liked you cause you're a gentleman.

So I didn't leave, I love. I could tell you this with fucking, there's not too many things that bring me pleasure in life. I can't lie to you. Most of the time when I'm sitting there, where's the gun? You know what I'm saying? Like where's the fucking gun?

Nothing gets my dick harder. When I look at that audition and it says, I gotta go to Paramount, Fox, Sony, Gawalot, that's disgusting. You're absolutely right. Sunset, not Sunset Gawal, but yeah. Even Sunset Gawal. But there's two of them are like some.

The Panamontana. Johnson, Tribune lot. Yeah, it's a fucking nightmare. I worked over there, shitty lot. Shitty lot. But when you're a felon, you've been in prison. You don't have a fucking agent. Nobody wants to manage it.

The only person who's giving you spots is Mitzi Shaw. And all of a sudden, hey, you want a lot to go read for fucking jazz commentary or something. Nobody has an idea. Like I'm being up till two, getting it down. Just when you walk in that lot, you're like, fuck, if these people knew that half the shit I did, they wouldn't let me on this lot.

Well, describe what you see, because a lot of people don't know what lots are like. It's like huge buildings and they have signs everywhere and you see like reserved for stars all over the place. It's just producers and there's, you know, there's things shooting. Yeah, it's like the history of shit you've seen your entire life.

Things that you thought you'd never be near and you're there and it just kind of blows your mind. Like, I don't know, I'd get this close. Have any of you ever worked on a stage that had like a really cool show that you used to watch? It's funny because you guys mentioned that. I was doing two and a half men. And I was just basically an extra couple of years ago

with Ashton Kutcher when we were dancing on the street. And it was boring as fuck, man. And you know what I mean? I always bring 22 joints with me. I don't care what a lot I'm doing. And during lunch, I'll watch something. They got you on camera. So you gotta make believe you're smoking a cigarette

and then double fist it. But I was smoking a dude one day. It was raining or something. That's why I knew they wouldn't catch me. And I went to one of those coves and I'm smoking and I'm halfway done with the joint. I looked and it said, they had a list on the wall of what's shown.

So they shot, I love Lucy there. I put that joint out so fuck me when I respect. Out of respect. Where Steve Byrne shot his show, remember he tweeted? All the shows they had shot there. Yeah, there's something to that. Yeah, there is something to that. There's something to that.

It gives you, you can't, you're something relatable to it because no matter where you were in the world, you were watching this thing and now you're aware this thing was shot. And it does strike you a little bit. At least a little bit, it gets you a little bit. It's always fucked with me.

I just don't let it take over. I just make believe like it's not happening. Like being like at a table reading, there's other people in the room and you just gotta act like, you know, this ain't happening. This motherfucker is like, this guy is not standing 10 feet from me. I watched this guy kill a motherfucker

and this movie and this movie and this movie. It's really fucking surreal. I don't even know how to describe it to people. I can't because I'm embarrassed. I'd rather tell you a story about stabbing somebody and telling you a story about being on a lot next to this guy and what I was going through. The hardest lot I was ever on

was shooting a movie with Dick Van Dyke. That old motherfucker with fucking little balls under his eyes and shit, he's old. I couldn't keep it together at all. At no point could I keep it together. I was crying every time I looked at him and I had to put my head down until finally he was like, why is this fucking guy crying, bro?

He's a big fucking dude. What's the problem? I had to tell him what happened. He must go through that a lot though. That must happen all the time. Like, do you think if like Tom Cruise does a movie, it probably takes him a couple of days to calm like all the rest of the actors down?

Like, it must. You know, I don't know. What happened with De Niro? And it's still on. I should say hello. But it wasn't, maybe it was because they were already like into the movie, but like, it must be crazy.

Like getting to work with. You just say hello. You go like that with your hand and someone will come over and give you their hand and say nice to meet you. And you say, yeah, and then they ask you a question. You ask them a question. At the end of the night, you go home.

I don't talk unless I'm spoken to. Right. You know, that's what I was taught. I don't reach, you really love you. Yeah, I don't try to. Where'd you get that motivation from? I don't say day. Right.

How are you doing? Good, yeah, yeah, you ready for this? Yeah, I am. I just try to have a good, normal time and not fuck it up. Right, yeah, that's it. That's all, you know. That's all you're saying to yourself

when you're just don't fuck it up. No, not even. He's just like, all right, just be normal, Ian. Hi, do my thing. And then if they want to talk some more, you know, go, oh, okay. And then I'm out. There's some motherfuckers I don't want to see

because I would have a nervous breakdown. There's certain motherfuckers. One of them would definitely be Muhammad Ali. Really? Like, maybe we're at the store. I don't know, how long have you been out here now? In Cali. I've been out here since like 2000, around 2000.

Like three or four years before that, I was at the store. And do you remember at the store, Lila Ali used to hang out with one of his daughters? Yeah, one of his daughters. Yes, she comes around once in a while. Was a comic. Yeah. And I left one night and two days later,

they told me, dog, she came up here with Muhammad Ali. And I remember going like, wow. And then going, I don't really want to see Muhammad Ali. I would have a nervous breakdown. I would start crying. Yeah, you know, how would you act around Muhammad Ali? I don't know how I would fucking act. I don't know how I would act.

I know I'd lose. I'd have to hug him. I'd have to hug him after a few fucking minutes. Yeah, you gotta hug the champ. You gotta hug him. Yeah. This, I'd hug Pete Rose. Yeah.

Red band, so they saw him at the Glenman Dale Mall, looking lonely as a motherfucker. Oh, I'd shake his hand. Yeah, we'd like that, too. Yeah, me, too. I would go up to Pete Rose Ball. That schedule's commercial made me laugh, where he wasn't allowed to be in the hall

like his wife yelled at him. I don't know. I hope he gets taken back. They're really campaigning for it now. Something's going on. It's crazy how quick we get used to things. Like I was thinking about as I was leaving tonight. I was like, I'm headed to work,

and a year and a half ago I would've been hating life and worried until I was gonna get home. And now I'm going to have fun and get high with Joey and Ian. And that's your job. And it's my job. And it's just so it's like, yeah, you guys have been on a ton of lots, and it's just, but it's someone 20 years ago,

or someone back in New Jersey or New York, they must just lose their mind. Doug, if you would've told me 25 years ago I was gonna walk on a Paramount lot, I would've spittin' your fuckin' life. Like you have a favorite lot. Can you think about it? That's crazy.

Oh, they got good food? I could mingle on that one. Oh shit, one time. You know, Patrice. Yeah, please. One time, Patrice. This is a few years, this is before he died. Maybe like three years before he died.

We were driving around Hollywood. He was in town, we had some meetings, and then we was driving around Hollywood. We were gonna go get something to eat. Then in the middle of Hollywood there was this lot. Maybe around, maybe around like a varnish. There's this lot. And it was set up for like food, like for like a shoot.

You know, and it was lunchtime. And then we just like, I dare you that we should go over there and go get something to eat. And he's like, bet, let's do it. And then we pulled on with the car, said some bullshit to the security guy. We drove on, and then we got online at the catering shit,

and then we got some food, and we sat down with the extras and started eating. And then I think it was like one of those TNT shows, like Lawn Art, and he knew one of the main actors from the shows, and then we moved from the extras to sit over there and eat with them. And we could have paid for lunch somewhere, but it was just more fun to just fuck around

and do this thing. And we had lunch, and then we bounced. I've never had the balls to do it. And we got some numbers from some of the extra chicks, because they use hot extras. Free lunch, numbers, because everybody thinks y'all doing the same shit. And then they noticed that people were paying

like patrice more attention. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then we had more freedom than them, because this didn't mean nothing to us. And we got kicked out, it was just gonna add to the story. So we were just looser, and they were just on their best behavior.

I'm like, who's these loose dudes? I would never have the balls to do that. Just the thing of getting thrown out. Really? And somebody's saying they threw Joe Diaz out, they tried to get a lunch, I would fucking have a lot of time. Everything you've done, you can't do that.

You can't take a lunch? There's a lot of things like that. Is that where you draw the line? That's funny, man. That's fucking crazy. I know I don't have the balls to do it, I couldn't get away with it. We just thought the shit would be fun, man.

It was fucking fun. Now this is hysterical. We just thought it would be fun. I said, go on a Sunday's party when you're in invited. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those are the best parties. Yeah, it's like driving by and seeing a party. Let's take a chance, let's go in there.

You know, you got a bag of weed, just tell them we got weed, let's see what happens. They'll let you in. People see you with a drug, they'll let you in. He's all right. He belongs in this party. Who sent you here? We'll invite you.

I don't know. We went to the supermarket. We went to the supermarket. We went to the supermarket. Now how long have you been doing comedy? Like over 20 years, that's what I tell people. Now you're a great writer, but how did you get into the other side of the writing?

Like how long have you been doing that? I was doing stand-up and then one time, we was in New York, I started in New York, and this guy, Rick Dorfman, he used to be a manager on the barricades, had his own company. He was running Gotham at the time, and he said, hey, they're auditioning for writers

for Keenan Iberwain's talk show. And he was like, do you want to come down and do a set for this lady? And she'll determine if you're good enough to be a writer on the show. I was like, all right, bet, you know? And then I went down there that night, and I was hot back then.

Like I had a set that was getting stand-in-os if I did it. Like it was a hot 10. Like I'd thrown away all my old shit, started working on this thing at the Boston Comedy Club and like built it up. And then there was a point where I was worried, I was doing the Boston so much I wasn't even doing black clubs,

but then we had this black comedy competition in Jersey, and I drove all my friends there that night. We, I was looking for parking. They all jumped out the car, ran into the contest venue, wrote their names down. And when I walked in, there's like, we all signed up. So then I signed up last. I said, you motherfuckers, I drove you here.

I'm gonna drive you back home and you didn't sign my name on the list. So I'm last. So everybody goes, it's a hot show, but it does good and I stand them with my 10. I said, oh shit, this shit works anywhere. This is dope. I got on Def Comedy Jam with that set.

And I also did that set for this lady at the Gotham. And she is like, you got any writing samples? I was like, yeah, I got some writing samples. And I had some ideas written down and I had some completely written out. And the only reason why I had them completely written out is a few years earlier, a homeboy, my another comic, Arnold Acevedo.

I don't know if you know Arnold Acevedo. It's a Puerto Rican dude. It's from Westbury, Long Island. And we used to do a lot of shows together and we all hung out and after our shows, we used to just hang out on the corner and just talk and just laugh for hours. You know what I'm saying?

And I don't know how the topic came up, but he was like, yeah, man, I got 362 sketches. And I'm like, what? He had 362 sketches, like why? He said, just in case I ever get a job on SNL, I don't have to come up with a new sketch every week. I got sketches. And I was like, oh, shit, I don't have no sketches.

I'm like, how the fuck am I gonna get 300 or something sketches? And I was like, calm down, Ian. I panicked at first inside. I'm just pretending to still be in this conversation with these dudes we're having fun with. But on the inside, I'm panicked because I'm like, I'm unprepared for this comedy life

or for the possibilities that this thing could branch out into. Now I was like, calm down. Just whenever you always have ideas, but you just never write them down. You promise to write them down, you never do. So next time you have an idea, either write it down on a piece of paper,

go home and completely finish it, or at least jot it down so that you don't forget it. And then it'll accumulate up to as I and I calm down. So then I started doing that. And then this opportunity came a long years later. And it was like 2,000 or 99. So I had to, I went home that night, finished like six sketches.

I had three, wrote three and faxed them in. And then it was like, December, mid-December. And I waited to hear from him for like two weeks. And he's like, you got the job, come out here in January. And I just came out and did this shit. And the show got canceled three months later. Okay then. Yeah.

And you've been here ever since. Yeah, the first few years here, like the first three years, I love New York so much. I'm like, New York. I love New York. And you don't want, once you're from New York, you're proud of that title, I'm from New York. And I was here.

So I spent most of my time in New York, even though I had an apartment here. And then I said to myself, Ian, you gotta be in LA to do the shit you wanna do. You can't be in New York just doing what you used to. You have an apartment in LA and you came there. And I decided to stay because one night, after the show got canceled,

me and Hugh Moore was driving around because he was writing on the show that Chris Spencer had that Sinbad took over. And so we were writing on competitive shows and we both from New York. And we was playing mob deep in the car one night. And then there was a line in the song that I never paid attention before.

And Hugh Moore repeated it. He said, scared money, don't make money. And that was the sign from God or the universe to say stay in LA. Cause when the show got canceled, there was like three weeks left on my contract. And there's a guaranteed contract up to a certain amount of weeks.

And then suddenly I got paid $9,000 for free. Right? So I had like $9,000 plus whatever money I was making in comedy in New York. So maybe I had $12,000. The most amount of money I ever had in my life. And I was like, I can go back to New York and do shows and I'll definitely get shows

because I always was getting shows and I could add to the $12,000 or I can scared money, don't make no money, get an apartment here, pay rent and stay here and see if I can get another writing job. Which I have no connections to anybody but I just have a feeling if I stick around, if I stick around, I'll get jobs, things will happen.

So then I just did that. I just listened to the mob deep lyric and I just stayed and did that. Sometimes a sign. I live on signs too, man. Always have, something sways me, I don't know. It's, I came out here on the same thing. I came out here to shoot a pilot, shot the pilot,

didn't get picked up. I had a choice and I said, well, if I shot a pilot, let's see what else we could boogie. I'll give it six more months. Got a Taco Bell commercial, gave it a little more time, got this, got that, you fucking stay, you know what I mean? What the fuck am I doing somewhere else? I only, my tenure in New York

was maybe four or five months and 94. I was terrible, terrible. I was at the New York Comedy Club with Al. I went down to Boston and your motherfucker scared me down there on 4th Street, Dave Chappelle was there, Jay Moore, and I just said, get me the fuck out of here. My Nick Topolo was down in the Monday night. I was like, I don't belong here.

And then I went to, but my club was in New York. I fucked with Lucian a little bit. He pissed me off and I fucked with the dude, the other one that was, he was supposed to get a deal from Warner Brothers. What ever happened to those fools? The guy on like 76th Street in the west side. That's him and his wife.

I know you're talking about, God damn it. Yeah, they called me one night. Stand up, New York. Stand up, New York, the old owners called me one night and said, there's a big thing going on in New York. You should fly back this week. George will fly back and the festival for them for free. And something with a festival, they were trying to start

that all this industry was going to be there. It just sounded too kinky to me. And then I'd see him at the comedy store, Al, something, nah, nah, nah, nah. And he always said, him and his wife, right? I know you're talking about, I just can't remember. She taught classes there or something. They did something there, fucking crazy.

That was a, but New York was where kick started my career because I saw something. I saw John Leguzamo doing time at, yeah, old triple in. This old dump on like the, in Hell's Kitchen. And they started their open mic at midnight in 93. Fucking midnight. Who starts to open mic at midnight? But they're like, people like, yeah,

there's like eight people there. I went in there, it was just drunk motherfuckers trying to get $1.50 beers or something. And there's comics on stage and I'm like, this isn't what I signed up for at that age. At that time, I didn't know this was it. I didn't know this was what you did. So I never went back and then I read something

or I talked to somebody at a club and they're like, yeah man, you gotta go to those places. That's where you bomb. And I went down there, I was driving a limo. And I went to Kennedy Airport and on the way back, I stopped and then I seen John Leguzamo on stage and I said, I got it. All right, I'm gonna pack my bags,

go back to Colorado and work on this shit. And that's when I really, really got serious. So you went to Colorado, I didn't know that. I started in Denver. Oh shit, I didn't know that. I started in Denver in 91. But I was like selling drugs and getting my dick sucked. I was doing an open mic on Tuesdays.

I was the host. All I had to do was five minutes and I could do blow and sell pills at this place. I took it seriously, but I didn't. I was just killing time. I had just come out of prison. I couldn't, I had a felony. I didn't know what I wanted to do.

But this seemed attractive. I didn't know about that traveling and being on the road like Bob Seeger and shit. Fuck you, sleeping in hotels. I like my bed, but then people said this, we got to travel, we got to do this, you got to do that. This is what needs to be done. So.

Yeah, I just didn't want to do a regular job. And so that's where it appealed to me. I didn't mind the travel. I might mind it now, but I know it's necessary. I'm gonna have to do a bunch of traveling to get this thing to where I want it to get to. You know what I mean? To be just so independent that I can call my own shots.

So. I'm down. Depending on what career you want to have. You have a great career, but you also have something else. You're also very funny. And for you to take over this motherfucker, like you're supposed to, you got to get allies. So you got to go to every state and get one representative.

Then here at Woods, there's the baddest motherfucker, smoothest black dude working right now nomination, you know what I'm saying? Fuck Billy D Williams. He's done. It's hilarious. And little by little, bam, bam, bam. And all of a sudden you have these little ports

that got you. It's like when you, these presence, isn't the big thing fucking Iowa? Yeah. They got the signs like fucking momos and they're out there, bunch of white people vote for this fucking idiot. Same thing with stand up.

We got to get out there. It's hard, it's rough on your family. It's rough on you at a certain age, but it's also fun. It's rough till you get to your hotel room. And now you go into work mode. Now you go into animal mode, you know? This is where I am.

Last time I was here, I got my dick sucked. I went to this place. They got good wings. Let's talk about those wings. Let's talk about the dirty hoes in this town. Let's talk about this. Let's talk about that. Now you become a bond at that time

and you keep building. This time you go, you sell 300 tickets. The next time it's 450. The next time now you haven't been in a year and a half. So now you guys double up and get 800 tickets. You ready for a small theater? Now you got to go back and get that hump over. Now you're ready for a thousand-seater.

And this is it. But I was talking to Josh Wolk this morning and he was asking me how I felt. And I told him, for me right now, this part of my life, I didn't think I'd be doing this, Ian. I didn't think I'd be picking up my packets and going to Salt Lake City and to Denver and to Boston. But this is it.

This is what we signed up for, whether you're 52 or 22. This is what you signed up for. So I've fallen in love with it. Again, because of the social media aspect of it. I'm seeing motherfuckers. I communicate with an Avalon. What do they call that shit?

Avatar. Avatar, Avalon, Avatar, whatever the fuck it is. And also, there they are in front of you shaking your motherfucking hand. So the experience came through. It really came full circle. This thing that started on a fucking wire. This is on a wire.

We're doing this whole show on a fucking wire. This is a wire. We have put our videos on this fucking wire. 20 years ago, a comic, Richard Pryor couldn't go home and put his set up in the comedy store on a wire. If you're serious about this game, you could put your set up every night on the fucking YouTube. And it's the same thing as going on the road.

You're picking up allies. That's a different avenue. You do a Comedy Central special. Comedy Central airs Friday twice and once on Sunday. And then, what are you gonna do? You're gonna go backwards and go on Showtime. Who has Showtime? Who has Showtime?

Who has Showtime? Yeah, fucking people with perverts that want the whole thing with the blonde chick that comes out and talks to you, that chicks hot. She saved my life in hotels a couple times. That little blonde chick. She's like, just like Felicia Michaels. If you close your eyes,

you think it's fucking Felicia Michaels. Who? This girl on Showtime, and they do a half hour show and she does the whole show naked. Oh, Katie Morgan, I think? I think that's her name, really cute, blonde, squeaky voice, and she talks about sucking dick

and eating ass and she plays video and she'll talk about the history of finger banging. And it goes back to the case. The history of finger banging, I love that. No, this is, listen, shit. I didn't think I'd be on the fucking road at this age. I thought I would just be collecting checks from the sitcom I did as the neighbor.

Right, right. I had just done the seven year run on the neighbor down at fucking, what's my faith? There's another studio I like. CBS, Radford? That damn, like I just went to CBS R.A.P. in the studio city, what do you want for lunch, Joe? I'm all little sushi dang, chicken teriyaki white meat

and double up on the salad and a few pieces of albacore because that's how they roll over there. Right. That's what I thought. But no, it didn't turn out that way. So, but sometimes you want to go to China but you end up in fucking Japan. Right.

So it's the same difference. This shit is just more powerful. I love it. Like this, this is why you talk about it. This is why it's a bad motherfucker right now. This is why it helps me not have to depend on somebody else telling me who I'm going to be, how far I'm going to get.

And there's beauty in this why. It's like control your own destiny in this why. There's no more excuses. There's no more excuses in this why. I don't give a fuck whether you live in Mattuchin, New Jersey or fucking Iowa. You want to do something now on this whole thing. You want to show me what you got.

It's a, you know what? If you got an iPhone now, you can go on Periscope and show me what you got. It's that simple. And if you're that good, you'll shine through. It's that fucking simple. You could go into training now at the age of nine. You could do a show in your fucking bedroom if you're nine.

Look at Cassius Morris. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. In five years, Cassius Morris is going to be fucking Johnny Carson, you know. But it adds a lot of pressure though. What's the pressure? That now you don't have an excuse. A lot of people like to make excuses.

No, you don't have an excuse. Yeah, you don't have an excuse. You know, the cream rises to the crop but whatever was making excuses, then see you later. And then the people that don't care about excuses and about going out there and getting it, they'll get it. The only thing is sometimes some people have more balls and talent,

but I can't get mad at somebody with more balls and talent. At least they're using their balls. That's how I look at it. That's all mixed in somewhere and another, you know. You say whatever you want to say. This kid made $100 million. What's the, you can't touch this. Can't touch this.

What's his name? Yeah, that motherfucker used to sell albums in front of the comic store and people coming out of the comic store. No way. She will tell you, those door people tell you the stories. They still remember him. You know, he was a bat boy for fucking the Oakland A's.

You know, sometimes you hear these stories and this is what, Lee, where the fuck were we? We were talking about the desire. Ian, tell Lee about the desire to be good at stand up. What goes through your heart? What goes through your soul? When you sign your name and you're last on the fucking list and you see a dude up on stage that's killing him

at the end of your fucking open mic thing and you're funny and he is. But you can't tell him what to desire. How many times do you want to go on stage? What do you think about all day? Do you think about anything else when you want to fucking be good at comedy? It's like, it's something like you're in a job

where you have to kind of prove yourself every time you get on stage and you have to accept that this is what I do, I gotta prove myself. And the desire to, this is a funny thing where if you don't do as much as you can, somebody will catch you from behind. And if you don't do as much as you can, you'll never catch the people ahead of you.

And so you just always have to stay on your toes and keep working and keep grinding, keep writing and trying to figure out ways to gain inches on the person in front of you and on the person behind you. But you have to love to want to do that. You gotta love to want to accomplish something. Then it's for you, then it's easier.

You know what I mean? I always want to be funny. I like hanging around with young comics. I think more than some older comics, they get bitter, they just get tired and wear down. Like young comics inspire me. Like, oh, these people are hungry and they look up to me. So I don't want them to never not look up to me.

Like the way I'm not looking up to this older guy who's just like, just mailing it in. So I just want, I don't know. I think right now, because I'm not where I want to be, I'm still hungry. But I hope when I get to where I want to be, that I stay hungry as I am now. What I love about where I'm at now

is the fact that I'm still hungry. And like that itself is a gift that I enjoy. I'm hungry and I'm motherfucking always. Yeah, that's why I love you. These wheels are always fucking turning. If I have an idea for somebody, I'll pass on the car name and I was watching on Stacey. I think you should really fucking jump off a building,

whatever the fuck it is that you do. I love watching you. Ever since I went back to the comic store, I was trying to explain to my friend Jody today that your game improves. I've said it on the podcast many times. You're at the world's best, at least the top three places to do stand-up comedy.

This is it, this is it. You're a fucking, you're a Texan, you're an army ranger. You're a Navy SEAL. You're a fucking, you're the best of the best. And a couple nights I went there and watched you, and I was blown away by your writing. No, I said thanks. Blown away from the abortion joke to no commitment.

You've got three things going on that you have broken the joke down. I would love to aspire to write like somebody like you. It is- Are you kidding me? Joey, did you see this? Oh my God, and you're smooth. You're smooth, which I really like.

I like people that come around the back door and make you think, well fuck your world up. You make them think and fuck their world up. I come at you. Joe Rogan comes at you, it's a no brainer. It's a different type of energy. Your energy is very, it's jazz. It's jazz.

It's, and you know what? It's Jamaican jazz, which doesn't exist, it's you. The smoothness in your voice and how your tones, and you stop, that's the gift. That's the gift that people don't know. The power of the voice and the standup is what don't hit you till about the 12th year. When you realize how powerful your voice is.

When I waste my, you don't listen to me. And then when I get loud, it's two, that the power of the mind, and I know it. I don't know how to teach it to you. If you came to me, Lee, and said, I want to be the best standup, I was watching you and I, and what you do with your voice, your voice controls the game.

That's why they give you the microphone. That's why I fucked up and walk away from the microphone. When you walk away from the microphone, you lose your power. That power is, but your voice and comedy, and your thing, like when I close my eyes, it's like Julia's serving. The rhythm is in the- Damn, I'll take that.

Yeah, you're the smoothness, and I've never heard that type of smoothness. There's a guy that has that smoothness, but it's a complete different smoothness, and that's Dave Chappelle. It's a complete different smoothness. You took it somewhere else, so it's really, that's what I see, man.

Oh, thanks, man. In my comedy world, I like, but I'm a student of the game. I want to see what makes you tick, and I want to see why they're laughing. You know what I'm saying? I want to see why they're laughing. Let's see why they're fucking really laughing.

Are they, his words, if people knew that your words don't even matter. If people knew at home, it's like when people say, I love intelligent comedy and thoughtful. I like in comedy, what they say, that incites my brain. Go suck a dick that smells like ass.

That'll make you fucking think, all right? You know what I'm saying? Go suck a dick that smells like ass. Yeah, why is this guy's dick smells like ass as you're sucking it? That's a $54,000 question right there. But it's, I love stand-up, man. I've always loved it.

And the more I do it, the more respect I have for it. I have a ton of respect for it. I've never run a light. I've never disrespected a comic like that. I have a ton of respect for it because it took me out of a dark place. It took me out of a gutter.

I respect it. I respect it like a fucking lion. I respect that comedy-store stage. I know what's happened to me. I never went to Juilliard. I ain't no fucking, who's the big black dude? Big Rames. I didn't go to Juilliard, I didn't go to Juilliard.

I didn't take no acting classes when I was in New York. Acting was fucking front and drugs. Your life. That's your life. Acting is when you go up to people and say, dawg, let me 20, I'll bring back in an hour. I got this check, what's coming? Dude, I sold them in a cyclopedia

and they gave me the 20. That's acting. And there you are in a fucking room, but the director from Drugstore Cowboy and John Travolta's in the room. And I thought about that today because Battlestar Galactica was, what's that movie Travolta made about?

The Scientologist? Something Earth. Battle Earth. Something like that. Bro, me and Billy Gredell were about to get hired to be Travolta's sidekicks in a movie about a singer from Hoboken, New Jersey that disrespected Sinatra in true story, Jimmy Roselli.

Disrespected Frank Sinatra, didn't sing at his mother. Jimmy Roselli was petrified of Sinatra. Sinatra was petrified of Roselli. He had a better voice in Sinatra. And his mother would always talk about Jimmy Roselli. You gotta be more like Jimmy Roselli. So when Sinatra busted out, he hired Jimmy Roselli to sing at his mother's thing

and he never showed up. So he said, really, I'm cutting you off. He cut him off so bad that Jimmy Roselli used to sell albums from the trunk of his car in Hoboken, New Jersey. Damn. And the Italians would go, Jimmy, close the trunk.

You embarrassing me. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. So we had that fucking movie. And I'll never forget, dog, I went to the commie store on a Sunday. Mm-hmm. And got fucked up, like blowin' the whole fucking thing, eatin' somebody's ass like two, three in the morning.

Just a normal Tuesday. And I had a callback for this. Now I had gone over it, I knew it, but that fucking cocaine and all that party and threw the shit off. And I went in there Monday at 10 o'clock. And I thought it was gonna be me and who directed the cocaine cowboy, you know?

Van Zandt. The documentary? No, no, the movie with Matt Dillon, Van Zandt. Bad ass motherfucker, he did something after that, it wasn't bad. I thought it was just gonna be Gus Van Zandt. Fuck, no, it was Travolta. Oh, shit.

At 10, 15. Oh, he said, after the night you had. After the night I got Travolta, I got to show up in this bitch. And I remember, I had it goin' there first and he was great and I did great and they called my agent and they said, you know what, we got a pen in him

and two days later my agent goes, you got a spot tonight somewhere, they wanna come see you. Gus Van Zandt and the castin' director. I said, yeah, at the commie store, and they fuckin' showed up, Gus Van Zandt shook my hand. He said, listen, I'll be seeing you soon. And I'm in Miami doing the improv feeling good

by myself, I'm about to do a Travolta movie. And my fuckin' manager calls me and goes, dog, he took Battlefield Galactico over fuckin' some Scientology movie over your movie, it's over, it got written, the script is done, nothing, they never did it again. I mean, he had to take that movie. He had to take Battlefield Earth.

Yeah, they showed him pictures in, playin' with little fuckin' Asian boys, playin' soccer with little Asian boys, with fuckin' thongs on. They know all his secrets. They'd really fuckin' do it. They recorded him. Yeah, he had to take it.

Who would tell somebody? That's how they got the, You've seen the Scientology documentary? I'll tell you what, this is how they come to you though. They don't, you don't tell them shit at first. They come to you. Once you suck on some dudes dick, he's gonna take out like a little iPhone

and go, somebody wants to talk to you on time, let's go. And it's that old dude, Gell Ron Hubbard going, listen, we got you, we got cameras on, what would that mean? We got a dildo up your ass that's gonna be fucked up when we show the pictures to welcome back Carter. Oh boy. You better be up at 444 Lowe's for lease tomorrow. Bring an envelope and bring a notebook.

Remember, he took the courses. Did you see it? They took the courses, he was in. You know what's funny about that documentary? Like the first two courses in Scientology are actually legit. Like if you break it down, it's like any religion, like every religion has like roots of truth.

And then after that, they just make shit up. And to me when I was watching the science, I said, this could have actually been a decent, honest religion, but then they started making up levels so that you can pay more money to get to those levels. And it was a point of like pride and esteem for people to get to those levels. And then you get to the briefcase level

where they just open this briefcase and they tell you this crazy ass story that couldn't be true. And you were worse off at that level than you were in level one and level two, if you had just tapped out right then and there. But they just made this shit up for money. But the first two things,

it has to be believable enough to get you in. And you're like, every time you're going up, you're like, but the first two levels were legit. So the rest of the shit, even though it feels hokey, it should be all right. And the same thing Christianity does or just most religions. It's like, you know, the first few things,

like this is solid and it gets, you keep going up. It's just when shit gets crazy. But you believe them because of the first two. Have you guys ever got tested? I've been here four and a half years and I just like two weeks ago. Got tested. No, I didn't get tested.

Someone asked me on the street if I wanted to. And you kept walking. Hell yeah. Yeah, I'd never do it. It's like Santeria. Well, many of you throwing some cards next to me up in the Bronx naked, getting water poured on you by three black dudes

to plan a conga challenge. Yeah, sure. Yeah, sure. First two levels of Santa Maria. Santeria. Santeria is good. That's right. We have to do a little fucking Tony Bennett

break it up a little bit and shit. We do this every Monday. I respect that. All right. This is a fat-ass jam, though. I like this dude. I like Tony Bennett because he never panicked. You know what I mean?

His whole career, he's never panicked. He just got older and older. I'm just gonna keep doing this. He's fucking paid. He's like a hundred. Do me a favor. Play the beginning of I Left My Heart In San Francisco. Doug, this song, I play this every Monday.

Monday morning as I'm getting ready. And sometimes I'm doing shit and next song falls in because it's the greatest hits album. And I Left My Heart In San Francisco. You gotta hear the first fucking verse of this. He knocks that other part, Doug. Knocks that other part. The loveliness of Paris

seems somehow too much. Sorry, that was wrong. Sorry. The loveliness of Paris Don't touch none, cock sucker. seems somehow sadly gay The glory that was Rome is of another day I've been terribly alone

I'm fine. And forgotten in Manhattan Bite that fucking finger. I'm going home to my city by the bay I Left My Heart In San Francisco That's a bad dude, dawg. He's gangsta.

In San Francisco That's a bad motherfucker right there. That guy takes it to the next level for a white dude. Yeah, it's hilarious. He's fucking singing songs of Lady Gaga. Who's uglier? You ever see them two stand together? Who the fuck?

Where's that ugly contest? It's fucking hilarious. They both got hooked noses. You know, you break out of Coke rock around those two vacuums to see what happens. Yeah, it looked like she got on a Tony Bennett costume. Like, who's who? Oh, my God.

But I like him, man, because he's stuck around. He's like, like he had to weather out Sinatra and just everybody else music changing. And he's like, I'm just I'm just going to keep doing this shit. I'm never keep this tuxedo. And then he kind of won. He went through a lot. He weathered a lot of music genres, changes,

bigger stars than him. But this motherfucker kind of won. And then he started singing duets with Bono. Yeah, he just started doing fucking duets with people. It's it's not you really got to hand it to him. Yeah, some people just weather it the fuck out. Yeah. How many times have you been like,

I just Tony Bennett thinks going to go away. And as a decade after decade after decade, you know, like Tony Bennett's household. You know why? Because he stays out there. Yeah, even if he ain't singing, you know, he stays out there. He's probably out there three weekends a month.

Yeah, probably has it down one show. You know, fifty two dollars a ticket. He sings for forty five minutes. He gets a fuck out of that. And he goes back to his hotel room. He goes to sleep and he takes care of himself. He has a train and he eats well. He's like, you know, I'm always Tony Bennett.

Let's see how old that motherfucker is. And let's see where he is this weekend. He's like, when Frank Sinatra dies, they're going to need someone to sing old music. And I'm just going to be alive. And I'm going to be the dude. And he made it. It's motherfuckers, motherfuckers amazing.

All right, so he's born in twenty six. So he's seventy four there. Seventy four and fifteen is what? Eighty nine. He's about to turn ninety. Yeah, he's about to turn. Oh, he's about to turn eighty nine in August. When is he traveling? Where is he this weekend?

Let's see. He's fucking always somewhere. I guarantee some fucking casino jumping up and down this order. Oh, shit. He's in London. Don't you? He's in London with Lady Gaga. Oh, shit. And then he's going to Atlantis with Lady Gaga in New York. I read your city music hall.

So they have an album to give us some shit. I think they were in Vegas. What wasn't talking there? Sing there in Vegas together. I knew they did a song, but they have an album to get something. I don't know. They're going all over the country. Monte Carlo fucking 90 fucking 90 Belgium, Italy. And he's in London tonight doing a show, the flight.

Somebody said they bumped into him in LAX. Somebody saw him. Some friend of mine said, don't I saw Tony Benny? It looked like a million bucks. All right. That's what it is. Those guys, you know, also would have been cleaning up not Cosby Cosby was doing shows or under the table. I went to see him. He went to see him.

He was cleaning up. And how long does he do? He sits the whole time like a while. He's like, I went to like the taping of his special. He he did like almost, I think, two hours to an hour. How was that special? The one I saw was great. The one they put out sucked.

He he did two hours. They had to condense it. But I blew it. I wanted to see him and some of my friends went to see him. And then I said, I'll get a chance to see him. And then the scandal dropped. He's still doing some gigs, though. Yeah, I should look it up and go see him before

before he got no more shows. Before somebody gives him those Cosby pills and shit. Yeah, before. Yeah, so that's what they should change it to. Oh, the Cosby pill. Oh my God. I've gotten women fucked up. I've never given them a Cosby pill.

Do you know what I'm saying? Like, I don't have the balls to do that. Because they're going to know when they wake up in the morning. Right, right. And you're going to fuck them and they're going to feel their pussy's fucked up. You know, what are you going to do? Just what happened?

I don't know. My pussy hurts. I got a fucked up thing in my eye. You know, what happened last night? Because I used to do creepy shit. I'm coming to ham and they're sleeping and shit. I'll do creepy shit, though. Once I bang them and then my dick would get hard.

Like, an hour later they'd be passed out. Right. I'd go back in that room and open up their legs with a little monkey again and try to bang one out and shit. I'm fucking fucked up. I'd love it to be on CNN. Another Jodie Diaz accuser.

There's no Jodie Diaz accusers. I'm just saying that fuck it, it's true. But I could never give somebody, I don't know when the roofies were big. Right. I used to hang out with a girl that liked taking them. Oh, for real? We'd split one.

We'd split one. And bolder. Damn. That's fucking crazy. But I'd never put in some chicks to drink. I'd be fucking embarrassed. That's not my game. I would never poison somebody like that.

I don't mind poisoning the league. Give them other people lying to them and shit. No, we all know you don't mind doing that. I don't think Lee would mind it either. I could take a break. Wouldn't be that bad. It's, I don't know, man, I just, and I've known you for a while,

but I didn't go to the store, so I didn't see you as much. Right, yeah, you stopped coming through, then I didn't see you. And then, but after the changes, the Tommy out thing, and you and Rogan came back and just breathed fresh air into the store, man. It's a great place. It's a great place now.

Like some of that darkness that, it had more darkness, but you need some of the darkness to create the atmosphere that the store is, but some of it is lifted, so it has the right mix of light and darkness. The store does need some type of darkness. The darkness is what pulls the comedy out of you.

If you let the store get into you like that late night sets, and you go down there four nights a week, let me tell you something, it'll pull some shit out of you that you don't know is in there. Because this is the way I used it. I had a follow-moony, so by the time I got up, they had heard everything.

They had heard everything, gee. So now you gotta talk to them about what the fuck was going on. And in that, there's pearls of wisdom. They're tough to get to, but it's a different angle. I love being under pressure with 200 eyeballs on. That's my world. That's when I can really kick it in,

especially if I smoke a little bit, and I'm just kicking back in that stance, it's gonna be a fucking long night for you. But the store taught me that. The darkness of the store, listen, it don't, a fucking just, no regular people become comedians. No regular people become comedians.

If you come from a normal fucking childhood, you don't become a comedian. Somewhere along the line, something's stung you, and you're trying to work it out. You don't even know it's stinging you. That's the weird thing about comedy, you don't even know, you know? And there you are.

For me, I don't know what the fuck it was. You said, you made up your mind. You didn't want a fucking day job. I'll tell you what, neither did I. And this was, and I'm telling you honestly, this was the path of least resistance at that time. Right, right, right. When I was 31 years old, this was it.

I had nothing. I had nothing at that time. I got divorced, I blew all my credit cards. You know, there was no more, nobody would front me no more pills. There was no Coke dealers left. I couldn't rob nobody, they blame it on me. You'd rob everybody, it's no one left to rob.

There was no drug dealers left to rob in Boulder. And I had to do something. And I knew that if I'd stuck to something, because the plan was, even if this didn't work out, the next level, I was just gonna get a kilo of Coke and two guns and let's play it out to the end of time to see what happens. Plays a glory.

Whether the gun, whether the fucking blow kills me or somebody shoots me, let's see what happens. And I'm really fucking happy that the comedy saved me. So when I got into it, I put a heavy commitment into this. It's like you, you've been doing it 23, 24 years, like me, 24 years, at the eight year mark you're in. You ever see people on LA when you got here and honestly you forget about those motherfuckers

and you see them on Facebook and you see what the fuck they're doing now? And you sit there like and you go, I went to an acting class at this motherfucker, Rob. I went to a meeting. This guy was up for a show with me. He quit. It feels like you're looking at somebody's funeral.

They're alive, but they're not doing what you met them doing. And you feel sad that they didn't continue. And it's almost like, I remember this is another huge story. I was like, hey man, Teddy's moving back to New York. And he's like, Teddy's moving back to New York? And he said it like Teddy died. I said, no, he's still alive, but you're right.

That thing is moving back to New York. He's dead. And that's how I look at it in that vein that you just mentioned. I look at it, that commitment you told me you were in was all fake. You were confused. You came to America, you went to Montreal,

you got the deal, you were at the store, you were at the improv, you got a manager, and then one day out of the fucking clear blue sky, I don't see you no more. I don't know what happened. And then three years later, Facebook comes along with Twitter and there you were on Facebook talking to Lee. And I look at your page and I see a kid or whatever

and I see that you're at a bowling league now. I'm not managing that by no means. I don't even think you're dead. I don't even look at it that way for you to get. And I know they all miss it. Like Mike Ricker misses it. Right, and Mike left. All his homies miss it.

But I don't understand how you came out of it and had this commitment. We did all these things. You were at the live factory with me. We did all these things and one day you just stopped. I never understood that. I never understood that. I can't get down.

I hope I never get that, you know, like. I never want to understand it. I just want to keep pushing forward and just keep this energy that I got to just keep going forward. Well, no, listen, you're a special fucking gem. You're already there. It's just, you know that jar?

Right. That nobody could open? Mm-hmm. And your mother comes along with a missing finger and opens that motherfucker. That's all that's at the point where you're at right now. You and I both know this. Your time is your time.

You just need a little push over. You can never, listen, man, this is going to taste better for you. You didn't come here, you wanted to fly. How many flashing the pans, you know, are you? How many? How many? How many people got a big deal in Montreal

and they started cutting motherfuckers at the store? Bumping bitches at the store? And now you're seeing them and they can't even make look at you. Look at that thing I read five weeks ago about Vinny Favorita. When we at the store, Vinny Favorita, when you at the store?

I know that name. Who the fuck is that? The dude who robbed everybody in Vegas. He took loans, Italian dude. He's a comic, man. That dude came out here with a blaze of glory. Right. I mean, he shot every motherfucker.

He went to the store, bam. Went to James Masada, bang. Went to the improv, not only did the improv put him up, but fucking what's his name? Started taking him on tour with him. The old man. Who that?

You know, fucking Bud Friedman started putting him everywhere, all the kid was, went to Montreal, didn't get a deal, but came back. Somebody gave him a TV show. He took the magician in with him. And all of a sudden, the shit started spilling out from everywhere.

That this guy had fucking done an open mic class and Boston took everybody's money and left. Oh, sure. He's one of those type of gangsters. Then he disappeared from here. Then people like, no, he's in Vegas. He's doing fucking great. And I'm sitting there going,

this dude had a really bad gambling problem. Right, right. And now he goes to Vegas. Where? And they just disappeared. And another type of guy's gonna put him down. You just give like that, a guy like that rope. Right.

Because it's like me going to Miami in 95. I would have been dead right now. Right, right. You don't send Joey Diaz to Miami for no reasons at all in those days. The coke up here is 60. Down there, it's $25. You know how many of those I can eat a fucking day?

Yeah. You know, it's like they sent Hollywood Henderson to Miami. You're too young for Hollywood Henderson, right? Oh, you remember Hollywood Henderson? No, I don't remember. Hollywood Henderson was a fucking bad ass Dallas cowboy. Mm-hmm. Bad ass from the sticks of Texas.

When I'm typing black motherfuckers, I'll give you the article and I'll put it in my car. All right, bet. This dude, Sergio Tega gave it to me. And he describes his first day at Thousand Oaks at the training facility right here in California. The Dallas Cowboys do that thing up there. He said, here I am, a 20-year-old rookie.

And all I got is $15.00, three hits of acid, a gram of blown, a couple of joints. And I'm in the dormitory with a bunch of fucking momos. Something like, you're like, and from there on, Doug, he talks about going to the commie store and picking up Pryor and the point of sisters and fucking cooking up fucking Matt Crack

before, you know, Freebase is what they called. Right. At 20? He was, Doug, this guy was ripping it up. He was ahead of his time. He was ahead of his time. Lovely remembers the normal. Let me tell you an interesting story.

He fucking started intercepting motherfuckers, like getting interceptions and scoring. And then they went to the Super Bowl and he took a can of orange crush. That's what they called the Denver Defense and crushed it on national TV. And then the Super Bowl, he caught an interception and ran into the Super Bowl.

And that's motherfucker was King Dick. And if you read like that whole Playboy thing, he talks about having an apartment up here and having three white bitches, having an apartment in Dallas. And then for his 27th birthday, and two Todd Jones gave him four bitches, a redhead, an Asian, a black chick,

and a fucking, so a Martian. And he fucked all four of them. I mean, this guy, I mean, you're sitting there going, holy fuck. And they started talking about fucking carrying pistols and being up here. And he just went AWOL. So after he wins the Super Bowl, they all know he's crazy.

And if they show old footage of Dallas, it's really interesting to see him because in the locker room after they won that Super Bowl, you can see him in the back with no shit, I'm going, party. Like he was just out there. He was 20 years ahead of his time. And then in the game on CBS, he fucking, they were losing.

And the camera went to him and he went like this, we're number one motherfucker or something. Next day, Tom Landry cut his ass. And when they sent him Miami. And he just went AWOL and got guns. But he got locked up, went to jail, came out, became a born again Christian. About six years ago,

he won a million dollars in the Texas locker. No, for real? Jesus, he's born lucky. There you go and shit. Was he on the team that won 16-0? The Dallas, no, that's Miami Dolphins. That's what I meant. Cause you said he went to Miami.

He went to, no, no, no, he went to Miami like in 77. And there was, there was a way after that. No, this happened like in 75, 76. You gotta get your shit together. You're a lot younger. You're a young man. He don't remember these things and shit. I don't, you know what I'm sports through.

It might not even be an age thing. Like I was in Jamaica probably when that shit was happening. So I came. No CBS sports in Jamaica. So some reason they didn't have American football in Jamaica. So, you know,

How many years were you in Jamaica? Nine to? To 17. Went to high school down there? Yeah, went to high school down there. And you were smoking guns and all that shit. Yeah, we did it. Like we went at like a soccer field in my neighborhood.

And then there's a play with like the older dudes. And then there was in Jamaica, when people start building a house, it could take 20 years to finish building the house. So then there's this house across the field, across the street from the soccer field that it wasn't abandoned. It's just that they had the whole frame up

to all the blocks, but it had no windows. Some of it didn't have no roof. Like somebody was like building it slowly, sending money down and like building it brick by brick. So it was like kind of like a clubhouse with no floor. And we just hang out over there. I remember one day it was raining and I went to the soccer field to see if they was playing

and look at the house. There's smoke coming from out the house and walk over there. All the older soccer dudes were there and it's passing joints around smoke with them and shit and do stuff like that. Let me ask you something. You know, what's the religion Bob Marley did?

Rastafarian. And they, who's they got? They believe like Haley Salassie was the second coming of Christ. But when he sings that song Exodus, who's he saying in the beginning? They believe in the Bible, but they believe that Haley Salassie

is the second coming of Christ. So they believe in the Old Testament and so they're kind of Christian. I don't wanna like say, but there's a lot of shit from the Bible that they believe. And then they also believe about that corporate people and a lot, white people did a lot of fucked up shit. And it was about, and they believe in Haley Salassie

because there was a picture of him and his foot, Ethiopia was at war with Italy and they beat Italy. And there's a picture of him Haley Salassie with his foot on this bomb that didn't explode, like a missile or some shit. And it just was like, oh shit, this motherfucker's God. And he just became basically Rastafarian's God,

Rastafarian's Jesus Christ. And I think I'm accurate, but you could check it. And it was about just being healthy and being spiritual and living good and not hurting people. And smoking dope. And smoking, just to get in contact with the spiritual thing, get in contact with your higher consciousness. And not fucking people over and growing your hair

like Marmar Tribe style, you know? No shit. And being fearless, yeah. So you're 17, you ended up in New York City. Who's up there? My mother's there and we all came up, me and my father, my two sisters and my brother. And I finished high school in a union there,

high school in Long Island, went there and... By the Coliseum. Near the Coliseum, yeah. And I was just like, there's a bunch of Jamaicans there, hung out with them, because I identified with them. And then, but they was making fun of the Yankee kids. Like dominated the school Yankees, like any American black kid, we call them Yankees.

They call us Yardies and we fight every day. And if a Jamaican person got into a fight, you was in a fight. And I was like, why are you all starting these fights? These niggas outnumber us, we in America. Like, why? Like, are we bad at math? Like, we're not gonna win this fight after school.

There's 10 Yardies, 200 Yankees, stop starting these fights. But you gotta go fight or else, then you got no friends. It's like being in jail. It's like, if you don't fight with your people, then you ain't got no people. So you either don't fight or switch. Or switch, I can't switch.

My accent was thick. I was like, nigga, you was Jamaican yesterday. There's no way you ain't Jamaican now. We can hear it. So it was like, fuck it. But we had fun and we just got along. Just started knowing people and spreading. Had a little job at Burger King,

making some first out, started cutting lawns. Had my own business and got a little job at Burger King and worked there for a long time, stayed there too long. And then, like, through college and shit. And I had security guard jobs and shit like that. And it was one day when I was at Burger King, some dude was on the drive-thru. So then I had a problem, not a problem,

but learning how to communicate with people. Like, the way I'm talking to you now, like, I had to learn this. Like, I'd been in, like, when I was a kid in England, that was my comfort zone. I was, from zero to nine, all I knew was English, you know what I'm saying? Like, hanging around English people.

And a lot of those English people were my cousins. They were Jamaican. But you just, it was a mixed society and you know how to communicate and talk with them. Like, they only had whatever radio stations they had, everybody listened to it. You know, whatever sports they were, everybody followed it. So then it was easy to communicate with people.

Then when you moved to Jamaica, or when we moved to Jamaica, I knew a lot about Jamaica because in England, our parents taught us that. So I, and England used to be a colony of England. So we had a lot of things in common. So then when I was in Jamaica, I could easily relate. Plus I was interesting

because I'm a nigger from England in Jamaica. So people want to talk to you, you know what I'm saying? But then when you're Jamaican and you come to America and you're like, it's kind of intimidating because it's all the shit you've seen on TV. And now you're here in this big ass pot. And it's like, like in Jamaica, you could feel the side of the pool.

In America, there is no side of the pool. You're just in the middle of it. And you're like, you got to navigate your way around this shit. So that's when I started watching, started rooting for the giants. Like I learned that people talk sports and music and sports music.

And there was a guy there, his name was Greg Ellis. He was funny as shit. He was a singer and he was funny as shit. And everybody loved hanging around Greg and working on his shit at Burger King. All right, this thing will just have you laughing, clowning people. And I enjoyed hanging out with him.

And I was like, oh, that's what you do. You just get funny. You tap into your funny side. And I was so just socially lost. I forgot that, you know, something that I was doing naturally in Jamaica, you know, when you're trying to find your center in a new place, you forget until it hits you.

And I was like, oh, the shit you was doing in Jamaica, nigga. Just being a person and being funny and have some context on how to be funny, like no sports, no music. And cause you feel behind. Like the things that everybody knows out here, you don't know. You know, so you feel behind.

So you're doing a lot of catching up. And you're pretending to know shit you don't know too. You know, just so you can like fit in. Fit in. You know what I'm saying? There's all that shit going on. Oh my God. He just took me back.

Cause for me, it wasn't as much as the English. It was, I mean, since day one, like I remember waking up and if you asked me when did this all started? It started on the 27th street. And there I learned how to, I didn't know black and white. I just knew friends where I lived on 88th street.

Those kids didn't talk to me cause my mom would talk to me in Spanish. So they wouldn't talk to me. I don't know why. But after hanging out with Jasper and that whole scene when I went back to 88th street, and once I got to that school, I was always very timid and quiet.

I felt socially unacceptable. I was Cuban. I wasn't as good as the white kids. You know, you don't know how to fit in. You're trying to find it. And who saved me was my mom. In the kindergarten on my birthday, that bitch brought a caramel cake

in the case of Coca-Cola and cans. Them motherfuckers loved me after that. They knew I didn't fuck around. Hello. I got myself a little piece of ass, a little Chinese girl after that. And I started going, ha, ha, I ain't fucking with you. My father used to draw for Charles Schultz.

So we'd get the first screenings of fucking any peanut movies. She'd take me in with each Chinese gum, with the wrap on Chinese candy, with the wrapper, and we'd watch it and I'd go to the house. And if something happened, and at that time I was a decent kid, I was very quiet, I was very timid,

the green one that came along. And I'm watching this Chinese motherfucker bitch slap people, right? And I'm like, I like this, but I can never do this. This is not my world. I could never see myself lifting up my hand to another child. My mom was an antagonizer.

My mom always wanted me to protect myself. And I'd go, mom, I don't wanna hit him. My mom would take me home and go, next time that kid pushed, you gotta punch him in the fucking face. My mom would have hand signals, and sometimes I'd do it, sometimes I wouldn't when I was in the park.

But I got hit in the head with a flashlight, at Central Park. Somebody hit me, took another flashlight, a lunch box, the container, and they hit me. And that changed my game, because I didn't like that feeling of getting beaten the fuck up. Now I get it why my mom's saying,

you gotta slit and bitch slap a motherfucker. It was too late, I got the stitches. So after that, my hook was being crazy. So if you jumped off the third floor, I jumped off the fifth floor. If you fought two guys, I fought three guys. If you hit them with one egg, I hit them with three eggs. I was one of those motherfuckers.

And then I went up to 148th Street, and that's the melting pot. I was black, Puerto Rican, Irish, couple Jews, couple Germans, everybody got along. It's like do the right thing. Do the right thing as a beautiful movie. Because about people just talking out loud, but deep down inside, we all get along with one another.

We have to communicate with one another. Every fucking day, I gotta go to your Korean store. You gotta walk by me to get fucking shoes. You know, there's interaction. No, there's interaction that you don't know about. Even though I'm sitting on the corner going those fucking Puerto Ricans, those fucking niggas. Meanwhile, I'm at the corner with him, hugging him,

giving him a dollar so he can get a bottle. Because that's how I roll. But you follow me, if they get along, you just get along. And that's where I got that little melting pot is where I just got hit. Like I knew that you had to back your friends. You know, if you wanna be fucking whatever, if somebody's fucking with Lee and I'm there,

and there's eight motherfuckers, you want people to not fuck with you, jumping for Lee and bitch slapping, that's it. You're the leader of this crew. Now, you're giving orders. You're hanging out with the other leaders and shit. So that's the way I knew. I never knew it was about being funny.

I never had an idea. That came in later on at 13, the odd couple. But being, like jumping from the fourth window, when somebody jumps from the third, that shit is funny. Like you're doing a lot of funny shit, but you don't know how much you're entertaining people. You know, you're entertaining people more than scaring the shit out of them, you know what I'm saying?

Like this month, like you were the crazy funny motherfucker. You know, but you are identifying with the crazy part, but people are like, this motherfucker's entertaining. I like to hang around this motherfucker, he's amazing. Do you remember the 45 singles? Yeah, the records, yeah, yeah, yeah. The records, okay. My mom had a jukebox at the bar.

So when the 45 singles were done, she'd keep them in a box. When I went to a record shop, I'd take the 45 singles and put them in a bag and take them home. She'd go, what are you gonna do? I'm gonna listen to them. I'm gonna listen to them. I go to my back window and there'd be people out there walking, there was a parking garage back there,

and I whipped those things out of there and hit motherfuckers in the head. And for months, nobody knew who it was. I would go out there and the kids would be saying, yeah man, somebody's whipping fucking records at motherfuckers out there. He cut this guy, he hit this guy in the head, he hit this guy's dog.

And finally, one day, I told these three little gangsters, I go, if I tell you a secret, you won't say none. I'm like, I'm the motherfucker. That's been launching those 45s out the window. They're like, come on, no, and I go, come upstairs. I had boxes out, these motherfuckers went nuts. I gave them like a ham and cheese sandwich. I let them up there throwing those things out the window

for like an hour, oh my God. You were a terror, I said it's crazy, but it's fun. You know what I'm saying? Like throwing records and eating ham and cheese. Oh my God, these little, oh, these little Puerto Rican kids, where you gonna find fun like that? No, that was my whole thing. I was always, I wasn't one of these,

I wasn't a bad kid, I just loved to rock. Like at that age, even at that age with the broken English, I was a professional in New York City that had trees. But in the spring, they would come with these fucking dirt balls. They were these little fertilizer fucking Arab balls. That's how they bought the World Trade Center with these little things.

And they were like man made with dirt and they put it around the tree. And then after the rain, they would sink in and break in. Those things, when they hit you, they would hit you, they hurt a little bit, but they blow up. So you'd have dust all over you, you sure, right? Dog, I would launch those little fucking things. I hit a motherfucking Puerto Rico on an ice cube.

It should have been a picture. Oh my God, from the eighth floor at the hotel, it was night people. From the eighth floor in a Puerto Rican hotel, my family, I went upstairs and I started throwing ice cubes off the roof and some dude was walking. And that ice cube caught momentum and like knocked that motherfucker out.

And they were looking to see what he was doing and they knocked on my door. And they knew from the look on my face, I was guilty as hell, they meant to say no. That's hilarious. You said something to me the other day, you said like you're gonna be, like Cumber's gonna come back at you with Mercy?

Like, I hear all this stuff. My daughter, I know for a fact. I was from four to seven, man. I was brutal after my dad died. You know, when you lose your dad, you got no control. My mom didn't know what to do. My mom was crazy. So she gave it back to me.

I would overpower a regular woman at that age. It was just a horror show that I did to my mom. And I wasn't a bad kid, I just missed my dad. Once she remarried, that calmed me down and then- Did you accept that dude right away? Yes, I did. It was the weirdest thing, cause I had urine for a man, you know,

I was always around women and shit. I liked it, but after a while, I'm smelling perfume and people kissing me, I got lipstick on, they call me my fucking hair. I wanna learn how to sling dick, Jack. So now you're in Jamaica and whatever. You mentioned something about the 45 records, like in Jamaica.

So we used to live in this place called Church Pen, and there's this town called Old Harbor. It's like a one mile walk. And my father worked at the end of Old Harbor at the soybean factory. Like he was an engineer over there. And at night, my sisters used to cook, and then one of us had to take him to food for dinner.

And so it was my turn and we'd give us bus fare, but if you walk the mile and walk the mile back, you get to keep the bus fare. And then there was this record that was hot on the radio at the time, there's record and shit. So I said, I'm gonna walk there and back, buy the record and walk back and then we get home. My father's gonna be at work,

me and my brothers and sisters just go to play this shit all night. So then I get to Old Harbor, walk, give him the food, say goodbye, stop at the radio, the record stop, get the 45. I'm running home, not paying attention. All I'm thinking about this, and somebody had dug up the fire hydrant

that was on the sidewalk and they left the hole that was filled with water in there. And I fell, like a kid fell in the middle of the night and we don't have street lights. So I'm like, one minute I'm running and the next minute I'm like, what the? You're like, Rachel's little brother in that tub. Yeah, I'm like, I'm like drowning with a record,

trying to hold it above the holes. So it doesn't, I had to climb out that fucking muddy hole and then make it the rest of the way home. And they're like, what the fuck happened to you? I don't know, just put this record on and we just played that shit all night. This shit like that. It's a crazy fucking world.

It's Jamaica. What club did you go up first time? First time was, I worked in East Manor, Bird King's sort of club. The guy said- Hold on, Chuckles. Nah, I was, Chuckles, I did Chuckles too. Like I used to do Chuckles, but Governor's was the first one.

So I used to go back and forth between East Manor. I'm not East Manor, East Manor's where Governor's at and Chuckles and, is it Miniola or some shit? Yeah, Miniola. They're Miniola, yeah. So I used to do that. Grandpa's in Staten Island? Did I?

I never really fucked with Staten Island like that. I would go to Yonkers though. What was in Yonkers? Shooting stars or some shit like that was there? The White Club, White Club. They'd have mics. Nights where, it wasn't a weekend, but maybe five or 10 people would show up in the audience

and we'd just give them all our bad comedy. Just beat them, beat the, try to get all the bad shit out of us. Try to do good, some of us would. Some night you'd be very inconsistent, was frustrating. And some nights, most nights, first like three, four years of comedy, they wouldn't even be crowd sometimes.

Like you wouldn't go out for weeks. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you'd get to a spot and there's like no show tonight. You wait around, no show. So you just go eat and talk shit. Who was around back then? What year was this? When you're getting on stage for the first couple of times?

Trying to remember who was around. I know, I used to go to the comic strip to try to pull the numbers. The numbers, right, the numbers. And I know, so when I always get a number because you know the guy that used to give the numbers out. I don't know, man. It was a guy, he got killed like Monday's, right?

Mondays or something. You went there, you get on on a Monday, but you went there the first Friday of every month, they would do the Lotto. You imagine that way? All right, so if you're a young kid or whatever and you want to get a spot on that stage for that month, you have to, there's a long line of like bad comics,

including me, and you go up to the podium and they have pieces of paper turned over. Some of them had numbers, some of them didn't. You got a piece of paper with a number, then they'd give you a spot on one Monday for that month. And I'd go, wait online. And it was a big thing to me. Like the first time I went there,

I wanted to get a number. How many did they have? How many numbers did they have? Not, maybe, maybe like, I don't know. I can't, I never thought about it. Maybe 13 numbers for the whole month, you know? And you drive to Manhattan is a big thing and you want to get on.

And then you're on line, you're moving up, you're moving up, then it's your turn. And the first time I picked up a piece of paper, I had no number and I said, fuck, I just came all the way here for nothing. I'm not going to get on. And then I just went back on the back of the line. I was like, I gotta try again.

And then you get there, now there's only like three pieces of paper left. And there was, you didn't get a number when there was more paper. Why the fuck would you get the number now? So then I'm looking at the papers, people are behind me like, they can hurry up and pick a,

hurry up and not pick a number so we can not pick a number. And then I'm like looking at the thing. There was a piece of, there was a piece of paper in the corner. And it's just so funny how much how big of a decision this was, picking up one of these pieces of paper

because you just needed to get on. And I went for right here, I write at the corner of the podium and there was a number on it and I got a spot. And then every time I went to the comic strip to pick a number on the first Friday every month, I would always pick it from that corner. And there was always a number and I would get a spot.

And then I'd see Adam Sadler, Chris Rock come through just people you've seen on TV, had names. And I'd stay, I'd do my spot. They'd tell me, no, we're not gonna make you a regular, but they'd stay in that fishbowl section and just watch people you've seen on TV. And you're a kid and you're like, having the time of your life trying to make it.

Like, at least you can see some end results and you have friends that you went to high school with but they're not doing this, what you're doing. They didn't see Adam Sadler that night. They didn't see Chris Rock, they didn't see Seinfeld or whoever came in. They're not living the life you live and you start separating from them

because you actually feel special even though you're broken in them. You know what I mean? You're like, your life is never gonna be filled with laughter like mine. I can't really fuck with you like that. And then I remember one Friday I went to pick numbers and I was insecure because I picked like five numbers

in a row from this corner spot. And I was like, there's nowhere it's gonna be here again. And I said, let me panic and I grabbed something from the middle. There was no number. And I was like, fuck, I should have picked from the corner. I got back on the line and I was like praying, please don't let nobody pick a piece of paper

from that corner. And I went back and there was a piece of paper in the corner and I picked it. There was a number on it. And then from then on, I never didn't pick from the corner and I always got on and I always got on. They never passed it, but I always got on. I never had the patience to wait on a line like that.

Like I know like that laugh factory shit he puts you through when you first moved. Oh yeah, yeah. I did that one time and I felt so fucking degrading. Like I was like, if I gotta do that, I ain't doing it. I just won't work that fucking class. That line's a different line. That line's a crazy line.

From my memory, the line at the comic strip in New York, those were comics. Those are comics. You're absolutely correct. The laugh factory is fucking crazy. People got on costumes. People are homeless. People are like, I got nothing to do with comedy

or should have nothing to do with comedy on that line. I said the people go to the comics through on Monday nights, seven to 10 there. The half of them have mental illness. Don't take a fucking genius to know that. They're sitting there going, Joey, you're fucked up too. Yeah, but these people are really fucked up. Boom, Chakalaka shows up with a fucking thing,

a shopping cart. Jeff Richards puts them in videos. That crazy bastard. Boom, Chakalaka. The other guy who comes late night and he's a Nazi and he goes in the bathroom and they let him on fire. Michael Epivaya, whatever his fucking name is. I don't even know if he still comes to the store.

Yeah, I don't think so. I got a call on day, Joey, why'd you like Epivaya on fire last night in the bathroom? That wasn't me, I was Don Barris. I guess he hated Jews or he was German. Oh, I know that guy. And the Germans, yeah. Come in at night and you go like this to him.

He hates you. He's weird as shit. Yeah, he's weird as shit. I know that guy. So they would wait for him to go to the bathroom and lock him in there from outside and then they would throw fire in the fucking thing from.

Jesus. It's like he's in a prison cell, ain't he? They sent him on fire and shit. Try to frag him. I never tried to lie to him on fire. I was out there laughing. Got me wrong, yeah. Don Barris and a bunch of other guys

would try to lie to him on fucking fire and stuff. Is that frustrating though? Like your career isn't based on like how good you are. It's if you pick the number. Like for the first year, that must be really frustrating. You do what you can in the beginning until you start to figure that. There was an open mic in San Francisco

at the punchline on Sunday nights and people would go up there and they would put you on a list. But there was no names. There was no numbers. The guy would come up to you five minutes before he'd go, you're next. And he would walk past you and glare at you.

I did it one time. I told him, we gotta go fuck him something. I saw him at the fucking laugh factory. And I go, remember me bitch? And he was like, fuck you, don't fuck you motherfucker. That night you tried to fuck with us. It's hilarious. Fuck you motherfucker doing that to a comedian.

You know, people don't do that. That's the respect fact that I didn't like about the beginning of comedy. And then here you get it even worse until you book something. See, that's what I always tell young comics when they come out, I try to book something. I don't care, well I don't care if you gotta suck 10 dicks.

Just get out of the way now. Get it. Book something. Book something so that people see you, the booking agents, and they give you a little work at the improv as even I'm saying. I give you a little love. But it's all based on that.

They don't give a fuck, how funny y'all? Oh, this guy's gonna be fun. You know what? If this guy booked a fucking part on what's the show with Virgo, our American family, even if it's a plumber and people say you booked a role on there, guess what? He might book a role on a pilot that's fucking Seinfeld.

And here we're gonna turn him down. No, that's not gonna happen. It's like when you go to jail and you write letters of recommendation. If you get a judge that has political aspirations, that guy, every letter to him is 250 people. Because when you die, they make 250 match cards. Everybody knows at least 250 people,

dentists, lawyers, communists. So every time you send, if I send a letter in Lee's behalf because you were a swindler, you're really burning me off. I gave him 100 bucks last week. He lost it all in Vegas. I invested in this motherfucker. He walked away, he was a stock fraud. He told me he was a poker player.

I said, well, let me stake this guy for 20 points. Then I'm saying, nothing. He came back with rabbities. Walked away, he said, don't walk away. How long were you in New York for running and gunning before somebody took notice of you? I was there till like, like I said, like 99. I just like.

So the first thing was Keenan and Ivy Wayne. First, the first, like I'd done some, like they had an uptown comics of TV show and I did like stent that. That was kind of 25th Street. Yeah, I remember that. I remember that. I was like, I don't think so.

That place used to scare me too. Like I used to go there. I used to cop right down on our Broadway. There was a health food store, Mr. Wendell. I think I remember that. That was my jam was a Mr. Wendell. He was an old dude. He was hilarious.

He would always give me a truck with tie wheel and I was trying to shop lift one from his hand like a magician. I thought, you got to bring that paper back, son. There's only a 20 in here. So hilarious. All right, so you did uptown comedy club. You come out here.

Then you did like bad boys at comedy. Yeah, the bad boys. And I did Def Jam back in New York too. I was Def Jam. Def Jam was, it was great to do, but by the time I did it, it didn't have the effect that it used to have. So did a good set, but nothing.

Who was the host? Then Martin wasn't hosting the first time I did it. So you just missed that window. Yeah, who was the host then? Who was the winner? Oh, who hosted that episode? I think, oh, what's his name? Joe Tory, I think was the host of that show.

Joe Tory was the warmup. I first, but then he ended up being a host. When I first started comedy, that was one of the first tapes I got. Oh, right? The best of Def Jam with the kid from Jersey, Bill Bellamy. Bill Bellamy, yeah.

And one of the guys with Joe Tory. Until this day, I just saw Joe Tory. I always tell him that joke about, my brother's a savior whale type motherfucker. Me, I bought a gun for protection shit. I go to the ATM and I dressed up in a tuxedo with a gun. You know, shit like that. I laughed my ass off when I heard that at first.

That was one of the first things I bought. I really liked BET. I really liked it. It was not BET. It was on HBO. I saw a lot of fucking people on there blow up a room. But I'm gonna tell you who was the most memorable person I ever seen blow up a room on there.

D.L. Eugling. Oh, okay. As an emcee. Right. Which is tough. He just took that fucking room and fucked them up. Fucked them, fucking people up to pieces. I had never seen that many people

blow up the best place I ever saw them. We was on 178th Street. I was telling Lydia then I went to see Rambo. That movie theater was packed with black people. Rambo too. 1985, he got the Russian and he opens his eyes in the mud. Dog black people were fucking jumping up and down that movie theater.

They were yelling, that white boy's a bad motherfucker. I told you, I told you, told you that white motherfucker was bad. Oh, it was hysterical. That's hilarious. I saw him, that's why I saw D.L. Eugling blow up. He fucking took it apart, man. That show Mad Stars.

Mad Stars. Mad Stars, you got on. Even if you didn't become a star, you'd be on that tour. You're making money. So I was seeing people get their shit off on it and it was just dying to get out. But I wasn't even ready then yet either. I was still working on my shit, trying to figure out

and then finally had a set together and I got on. But it was just missed that window. You know? And I did it twice. No shit. Yeah, I did it twice. I did it again where it was like an all-star show. And I was like.

Now one of them had dreads on it. Yeah, both of them had dreads on it. Both of them, okay. One was just longer dreads and shit. And then I did good on that one too, but nothing. The show just didn't have the power it used to have. Were you disappointed? It's not disappointed.

Like if I knew what I knew now, then I could have did something with it. But you just didn't know, you just saw it, you did the set, it's gonna air. I'm gonna get these phone calls. Nothing. And there was no social media either. There was no social media either.

There was no social media. It's like you could do. And then you could do. Yeah, that's crazy. There was no social media. Didn't you have a similar experience with Long Lease Jar? Yeah, that's why it's kind of weird. When you do something,

you're expecting so much in return. Yeah. And I tell people, that was my breaking point, like eight months after that. Once that movie came out on DVD, and I was still getting problems with auditions, I didn't know how to handle it. I didn't know.

And then I see Tracy Morgan on TV after it, and fucking the black dude with muscles. That motherfucker scored that movie from that. That's his whole career start. Terry Crews, Terry Crews, yeah. And here I am living on fucking Schrader in Hollywood, back by, what's the Selma? You know, when you live by Selma,

you're fucked up, shit's not right. Shady, that's a shady block. That's a shady fucking block, not anymore. Stay clean it up. Not anymore, now they cleaned it up. So now, what CD did you do that Conan produced it? Last year, I did my first comedy album. And I was, me and my manager,

I got a good manager now, his name is Hunter Seedman. Like he, like I said, if I had managers where, hey man, these people like me, they want to do something. They say, all right, cool, cool. And then they'll never investigate it. Like people who didn't care. Or if you did something and you could make something out of it, they just didn't care or follow any leads.

I don't know what the fuck they were doing. And once they get the leads, sometimes they don't want to fuck with it. It's really weird. It's stupid. If they don't know from A to Z, they're like, ah, we called but the guy sounded fishy. Then you bump into the dude a year later and you're like,

no, your manager never called me. We didn't think you want to do the project. And you're like, what the fuck are you talking about? Right. Like when I did basketball one day, as the third day I was in the center, I'm like, hey man, we called the economy store looking for you for mafia.

Remember they did the movie with Jay Moore, married the Italian people, like 98. I was passed. I was passed. The guy goes, yeah, we called the store twice. We talked to the guy, the Italian coordinator. By that time he was fired. Oh, shit.

By that time he was a goofy fuck. He was only there for like two months. He was drinking and shit. So that pisses you the fuck off. Yeah, these are like opportunities and shit that could move you further up the ladder. And you're like, well, you know, fuck it. But what was the question you asked anyway?

No, so you're on Conan. So I'm on Conan. So Conan came at me. And I guess the reason why, because Conan liked me from before and I'd done the show three times. And then third time I did it, they was like, hey, we're planning on like

starting a record label and we're thinking about one thing you will ever record on an album if you want to do one. And we could talk about doing one with you. And I was like, all right, I'm trying to do one, but this is probably the best place to do it. And I'm excited. And I like the fact that you like me like that,

that you want to fuck with me like that. So yeah, I'll fuck with you. Let's do it. And so we taped it in La Jolla at the comedy store and then released it last May. It's called 100% Half-Ass. And it's at teamcocoarecords.com. And it's like, fuck it.

And then now I got to do a special, you know? I got another hour already and with all the stuff that some of the stuff you mentioned, I just got to get that shit together and do it. Cause you got to put your content out there and you got to, I got to get my social, like you guys, you got your social media stuff to go. Like I'm, like I'm terrible with that.

I got to get better at that. Like this, like this industry is not going to help me. So I got to do as much as I can to help. You have an agent? I got a manager, no agent. Writing agent, no literary agent. My stuff is like referrals and from, and from like, like writing on shows and other writers

or these young comics getting deals. And they're like, they see me at the store and they're like, you're a good writer. You're written on shows. You want to work with me. Like that's how Gerard, you know, hit me up. And he's like, you know, he's, here's a funny story about Gerard.

Like, remember when Facebook met MySpace was out? Some people used to hit me up randomly on MySpace. Like, you know, cause some people see me on Def Jam on them shows and they hit you up. Say, hey man, I'm thinking about doing comedy. You know, what should I do? And should I move out to LA and blah, blah, blah? And I say, yeah, if you want to do it,

come on, move out here. And you, when you get here, just hustle and grind and take this thing serious and blah, blah, blah, blah. And Gerard was one of those people that hit me. And I had no idea. He just told me, and we hung out since he got here for a few years. And he just told me, maybe this year, hey man,

I was that dude that hit you up on MySpace and you told me to come out here. Isn't that fucking crazy? It's fucking crazy. If you think about it, then he did get something from doing the Def Jam, so. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just like way later.

That's so cool. Yeah, that's true. I've always told you that these little guys are my future. Yeah. These young cats, one of them is gonna pop a show and go, I want you to be my uncle. Yeah, yeah, uncle. And the show's gonna be a number one hit.

And yeah, I was jerking myself to fuck off for years doing this and that. And that's how this game works, you know? People trip a lot. I learned one thing as a comic, that when you wanted something really bad instead of like as a comic, you wanted to go to Montreal. Right.

And then you don't go. Well, sometimes you do go and you're like, all that shit for nothing. Right. I put all that shit in for nothing. For years, I wanted to play catch a rising star. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For years, I wanted to play the one in Reno and Vegas.

And I fucking tormented that guy. And he kept telling me, no, no, no. I saw your tape, your dirty, blah, blah, blah. And then one day I got a call from Jimmy Schubert. Hey dog, I need a feature for Reno. What the fuck? For years, I've been trying to torture this fucking guy. And now you're gonna walk me in there.

Oh, there is. No tape, no nothing, you know what I'm saying? Like everybody has a feature act. They want to see your tape. You never know. That's the best thing about this game. Right. That you never know what the fuck is gonna happen.

I call it entertainment lotto, but the only way you can win if you keep playing. Every day, as long as you put your heart into this thing, like today I tell people, on the first of the month, we're all equal. Right. You ain't better than me, I ain't better than you because we're all working for the same dollar.

So guess what? On the first, we're all the same. It's what you do on the second, they're fucking mad at you. Right. So what do you think, cock sucker? How high are you? Look at the shape of you.

Pretty high. Look at his face. Look at his face. You got sun yesterday? Yeah. Next time you go, Jews go to the beach with an umbrella. You don't go on the fucking boat next time you get a little umbrella for you.

That'd be nice. This is really interesting, man. I always wanted to have you on. I didn't know this much about you. It's my pleasure. You're a gentleman, you know? But what you do on stage, man, is fucking comedy jazz. Thanks, man.

There's a timing and there's smoothness to it. And that's it, man. I think you're one of the best working, man. Oh, thanks. I've been really fortunate. I went back to the store and you guys elevated me. Like, you made me sad, but just again, because I gotta follow you guys.

Right. In the last couple of weeks, I feel in my heart, I've had some of the best comics in here from you and Sebastian and, you know, and I didn't see you back then. Joe's known you and Joe raves about you. And I started watching you at the store and going, Jesus fucking Christ.

Now I know this guy's game is fucking tight. The writing is a 10. There's some times I sit there and I go, gee, what am I watching? You know, and I tell him all the time, I always aspire to that, but I was too lazy outright, but I get too lazy and that's just a special gift in comedy. You know, I have high energy.

I trick you with the high energy and the voice and that shit and you fall for it. You know, everybody has smoking fucking mirrors. You have no smoking mirrors. So, you know me, dawg, I'm on the fucking, I'm on the Ian Edwards fucking ship. You're a bad motherfucker. Thanks, man.

The story we're kicking is glory. You know what I'm saying? No more rock. Stop! A little public enemy, at least, Syed. What's up with you, Tony? It's crazy, because one of the best parts about my job is I get to go and watch a lot of comedy.

And what I've noticed is the best comics are the ones you remember, like their bits. If you say their name, you can think of stuff they've said. And when Paula asked me who was on tonight, I thought of like three or four of his bits and I just, it's a, I think that's a quality. That's like, you have it too. Like people remember certain bits that you say.

Because otherwise it's just like, oh, he's a dirty comic or oh, he's a clean comic, it's boring. It's a very interesting life we put together for ourselves. Every morning I have a little thing and I write my thoughts after my coffee and shit. And there's one thought that always sticks out, that I'm happy this thing worked out. I'm happy that my life worked out.

It worked out, you know, whatever. It worked out. You have no idea where I was 20 years ago, 30 years ago. It worked out. Whatever's going on, you know, the walls on the office aren't painted. You know, my car is dirty, it smells like sweat. But everything else worked out, bro.

And that's big. Especially when you come from another country. You took me back tonight with some words that he said because I remember not the pain. It's not a pain that you think about later on in your life. Right. It was this, I never thought I was gonna get beat up because I was Spanish.

I never thought none of that shit. Right. But I always thought I was a little not worthy. Right. Like I look at kids and go, ah, you know, I'll never have that. And then, I don't know, I don't know what the fuck. I know that feeling.

You know, that feeling. And I know what you were saying where you try to fit in. Jesus fucking Christ, how hard is that, you know, to fit in. And I knew who I was in New York. You know, when I got to Jersey, they just put fucking gasoline on me, you know, that was it. Where were you doing comedy in Jersey in those days? Where'd you go to that contest, you said?

Oh, that contest, I forgot where that contest was, but I know they had Peppermint Lounge. And that was like a crazy place to perform. There was this other spot named Terminal D, where if you got booked at Terminal D, the two weeks before that show were ruined because of the fear of having to do that show. It was a long dark room and you couldn't see the audience.

And when you went on that stage, there was like two rows from the front. There was a cowbell with a long piece of rope. It was in the ceiling, but the rope was hanging out. It was usually like some asshole state troopers sitting at the cowbell table. So if you're performing, they could just ring that bell. And everybody start booing, they're like,

we're done with this nigga, get him out. So you have to go there knowing you could get cowbelled. I had a friend, his name was Pat. He's like, Pat was like six feet, 400 pounds. He was a lot of me that he was 200 pounds, but I didn't know weight back then. And he, we had a, we performed up there one night. He went on and his closer is,

he went to his closer in a second joke. That's how bad he was doing. You know, you do your first joke, no response. So, you know, if I do the second joke, that's not as strong as my closer, which is my best joke, I'm going to get booed. They're going to ring that cloud bell. So he was so desperate to, to win them.

He went to his last joke, his closer. And his closer was imagine a 400 pound guy laying across a stool with his arm spread. And his joke was, this is, this is me at the Macy's day parade. All right, which is, which is funny, which is funny, but they was not having it. No, no, no, no, no, no. A 400 pound dude is laying across a stool

with his arm spread and you hear the bell going, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. It's like the embarrassment of like you, like you, you're selling out for the joke. You're all out. You're, you're spread out. And they're like, nah, there you go. We hate to.

It's like going off your favorite team's game, a championship game. You got the jersey on. They get, you got to walk down back to that car with that jersey on. That's a long fucking walk dog. That's why I don't commit to fucking jerseys Jack. That's too much commitment in my fucking world.

Fuck you. There was this dude. Who's the really popular black writer in town? Warren Hutchinson. No. John Ridley. No. He writes on a lot of older shows.

God's the fuck, why? They, they's a fuck while. Antoine. No, not fuck while. Not fuck while. Yeah. He had a, one of his dudes had an idea about an Italian cop that was a kung fu teacher.

It was the worst idea I'd ever heard. He was adamant about it. This brother was a good dude, but he'd buy me lunch and tell me how this was me. He could get the meeting set up, but I had to go for a tailor. And what he told me is I want to, I want you to walk into the meeting

with an authentic Chinese kung fu uniform. I said, dog, that's where it stopped. I mean, the show was so fucking bad, but he had great representation. Right, right. So he got me meetings everywhere. His fucking assistant sent me a list one day and I had like three pitches a day for two fucking weeks.

I ain't thinking, we went every day. After the second day I told him, come here, listen. I ain't coming no more. This is dead, this is dead. We've already burned six people. I mean, to the point where they didn't even let us finish. They're like, you know what, we have a 415. Oh my God, we'll talk, we'll call your agent.

Nice to meet you. Boom! It was horrible. All of a sudden the meeting popped up in the middle of the meeting. It's amazing. The worst people have the top representation. This guy was like, they love it.

He took me there one day. I forget, it was like on Wulshia, a lot of fucking Yarmulkes. We went in there, dawg. He gave it to him. They're like, we love it. You as a Kung Fu teacher, you work with the mayor and you're vigilante and you save kids.

It was fucking horrible. And they weren't gonna let me do it anyway. There's no way, no fucking way. And he kept saying, you gotta wear the Kung Fu uniform. That'll pull them over and I'm like, dawg, I ain't wearing no motherfucking uniform on the fucking Paramount lot. I would never sell out.

I'd rather be at the store pushing $15 sets. That's right, right. Man, thank you again, my brother. I'm about to do some sponsors and we'll get you the fuck out of here. Number one, as always, the best Anet. Went to Jiu Jitsu today, took two fucking Anet pills from Jiu Jitsu.

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My pleasure. My main man, Lisa. Yeah, where you going to be? Are you on the road yet? You got a guy booking you on the road? Yeah, I got some spot days. I'm going to be at Bonnaroo. And I'm going to be at the Montreal Comedy Festival.

Just came from Hawaii. What are you doing in Hawaii? I did a dude named Shane Price. They comic out there. I did this club called 1144. So I headlined out there. Wasn't a comedy club, but it was a nice spot. And he put some shows together.

And he's got Greg. Not Greg, he's got Todd Barry coming out there and some other people. I'll put you in contact with him. He listens to the whole Death Squad crew and all that stuff. Yeah, great to be going to Hawaii. I'll take Lee and throw him off the fucking plane. You won't take me.

I'm telling you, I'm taking him. I'm going to drop you off on an island with bigger wines with little dicks with diet pills, you know what I'm saying? I'm going to chase you around for three fucking days. All right, man, let's end this, motherfucker Lee. Put some music on for it. We'll be back Wednesday night, 8 p.m. I love you guys.

Thank you for listening. Thank you for your networks. I love you guys. Stay black. I'm going to be in Denver this weekend, Thursday through Saturday. And then the 18th and the 19th. I'm going to be a Salt Lake City of motherfucking wise guys. Did I give a shout out tonight?

No, he didn't. No, I did not. What the fuck was I thinking? He's living dog. Jadida and your dad. I love you. Chris Trent and the boys over there fucking making the cars. Lorne Rosa Costant hanging there.

Tom Hawthorff. Lorne's a good dude. Yeah, he is. Frank Burdini, Kaya Joe, Elio Neal, Freddie Corrie, Pat Shea, and my main man, Chris Short. Happy birthday, cocksucker. And that's it. We'll be back Wednesday night for you guys.

Thank everybody. Thank Israel. And the morning joint on Periscope. And the morning joint on Periscope. Four days a week, smoking reefer, dropping you out of the house with inspirational thoughts. You know how I do it. I love you, cocksucker.

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Me too, buddy. I have not been this high in a long time. I'm fucking hungry. I want coffee. What do you eat? I got to go home and eat lettuce. I'm out of carbohydrates. Come on, 115th.

Word? Yeah, I can't eat no carbs. It's fucked up. I got to eat another stone, hopefully, past that. And oh, my god, no way. I'm fucked up. So why would you add to it? Well, what I add to it is I want to be more fucked up.

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