Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #289 - Steve Simeone

Episode Date: June 9, 2015

Steve Simeone, Comedian and host of the, "Good Times With: Steve Simeone" podcast. joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio.   This podcast is brought to you by:   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Iron Dragon TV. A New Roku channel with all the best martial arts films. Use Code word joey for two free rentals.   HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for five Hit E Cig's for $50   Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by using code word joeydiaz.   Music:    No More Tears - Ozzy Osbourne I Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet The Message - Grand Master Flash     Recorded on 06/08/2015

You got a mushroom they used to mix ecstasy with like Coke okay Hollywood. Yeah, and shoot in your asshole at these fan clubs Christ with a baster because if you hit your heart Like you ever have that no, I wouldn't you know, I thought about putting a coke rock up my ass I say you get fucked up. What is that tonic you drinking this iced tea iced tea you made at home Yeah, the ghetto shit you mix up. There's the wife Shit left her back at the house The show is brought to you by on it calm go to on it calm and use covert church to get 10% off all the great products like Alpha brand new mood shumta can mean shumta export. It's code word church to get 10% off

Also, go to iron dragon TV calm and use cover Joey to get two free rentals off of your favorite martial art movies They have on it lab videos the leader in 4k technology. You're laughing. I'm already still making sense, which isn't gonna last for long Use cobert joey to get two free rentals also The show is brought to you by nailed it life calm also makers of Los Gumi sermanos Some of the best edibles on the market the best edibles on the market 250 milligrams They don't mess around if you live in California, and you don't have Los Gumi sermanos yet. You have to go try They also have the premier vapor print on the market for the all the oil and wax smokers out there If you use cobert joey Diaz, you're gonna get 20% off of your order and

Go to hit e-cigs calm hit letter e-cigs calm better tasting longer lasting the proof is in the vape They have e-cigarettes and e-cigars for you and right now hit e-cigs calm is doing a pick five campaign You get five e-cigs fifty dollars using code word joey's church. Oh Shit, it's the Monday night motherfucking edition Oh Monday June 8th you bad motherfuckers. We're back with a vengeance tonight Steve Simone the flying Jew It's a little Monday night, not Holly. It's not suckers

I What's up you bad motherfuckers joey Diaz here your host co-host with my main man the flying Jew and in house tonight Is my brother from a different mother Philadelphia's own? Steve Simone and shit Fucking hooking us up on Easter making fucking meatballs and stuff. Oh my god. Beautiful. Thank you. I tried my best That was it was good to have family. Yeah, you always make it seem like a family. That's very nice That really goes out of the way fucking tremendous desserts. Oh my god, you had Big ZD, which I think you made for me because I did talking about I did a lasagna and then I was talking about big ZD

We should do that this Sunday. What's that? Yeah, because I'm finally in town for a little bit. We'll do it up. What's do it Sunday Sunday? I'm in town, too Let's do it up. They say what do you think? How's your weekend? I had a good weekend what'd you do just kind of hung out Paul had her first week at work and she's a little under the Weather, so we just hung out we worked out She had some good food Started watching the sopranos and we fit we started watching the wire So we had a good fucking weekend double-festival. He didn't know son

That little suntan you got last week fucking lasted three days Oh, it goes away immediately and canoe, you know that Santa Barbara and jumped in that fuck. I like kayaking but that scares Paula That's you so what the fuck just put in a kayak with a helmet They do they put a helmet on those people. She's not worried about her head. She's worrying about drowning. Fuck it What did you guys do last week? Did you go in the ocean? Yeah, we did those little water bikes in the water. Yeah, okay Yeah, but it's impossible to fall if you fall off you deserve to fall off if you fucking fall off you deserve to die Anyway, hopefully a shark will fucking bite you right in the bicycle in the water. What's wrong with you cock sucker?

It was fun though. No, it's fun. How was your weekend? Very good Denver was It was weird because he hit me hard Thursday what had happened. It's like a listen this there's an expression that a At the wake at meadows pranos wake the mother Somebody said livia soprano or she fell in the sewer. She come out with two fucking gold watches You know, she's one of those people. I gotta tell you something. I went through some bad times in my life But I always came out on top. I don't know how I did it. Oh, it's not a insult It's not like an insult. No, no, no when I went to prison. I could have been so worse

And it came on it was everything it was everything with my favorite, you know I didn't get exactly what I wanted But at least I got out of there. It could have been worse could have been nine fucking years. Absolutely. Yeah This situation listen, I left boulder in June what happened was in and in 95 I was going through this war of my ex-wife and and I went to Michigan to do a weekend Memorial Day and I met this Crazy stripper the one that pulled the aluminum foil all the rest all and she came to Colorado and she goes I'm moving to Seattle. She spent a week with me in Boulder with her brother

And then she went to Seattle and she's gonna get an apartment for us come on up and stay with me So I had that option the comedy works had banned me and I had nothing going on with the wife or whatever I was basically broke. I mean, I basically had maybe 300 bucks and triple called me and gave me a bunch of work that led me to Seattle Well, it was like a godsend like the last night was in like the range or Oregon, which is like eight hours from Seattle I did the gig and just flew the fucking Seattle and It was weird I left and I was a broken man. I was heartbroken of what had happened. They took my daughter, you know I was broke. All I had gone through is I really really wanted to do comedy, you know something

I finally after all these years beside coke I there was something I really really wanted to do and I would risk my life for at this point And I was frustrated because you want to get good you want things to happen and nothing happens at the slow process And I was at the three-year mark four-year mark That's where you go crazy and nothing was happening and finally the phone rang in January and it was triple and he goes a Of the 95 he goes hey, I got a gig for you if you do well I'll open the books for you and he did then he kept opening up for me like three four weeks I got you know, that's how I did triple runs all the way to I moved to Seattle even then I did triple run still

2000 was my last triple run. Wow, sometimes you just want to get really good You want to work on a half hour? Get out of town triple run. Yeah, it's five nights a week You drive you got a lot of time to think you're not settled. There's no comfort zone. You're fucking gone, you know The room sucked But that's what makes you a better comic, you know So when I left there had all these things going on nothing was going on and I was a broken man I get back to the club. I headlined it that I got banned from So I left the criminal and came back to the headliner

Wow, you know and I didn't realize it till I got on stays that night and I went back to my room And it was so hard to digest that I didn't sleep all fucking night. Like I'm like, how did this happen? There was all the dreams. No, it was that what's that song by the talking heads? You may find yourself, you know and living in a shotgun shack or you may find out How did I get and that happens to me once every 90 days? I'm driving I'm surprised because I asked you before you left and you didn't seem like it was fucking with you that much but Once I got there and I started walking around And once I got to the club, I said wait a second

I got thrown out of here And I got thrown out of here when I was down which is even worse when you get thrown out when things like I got thrown out and I registered me. I immediately registered that I wasn't going to get nowhere in Denver. I was going to work McKelvie's and wit's end and they were like 2d rooms And they didn't like it dirty. The one room was christian. I wasn't going to go nowhere I mean the wit's end paid 800 a week to headline and they gave you an old station wagon to drive around town. So if you didn't have a car, you know

And they stayed in the condo. It was horrible. McKelvie's paid like a grand To headline Tuesday the fucking sun. I wasn't going nowhere. Yeah, so I took off I said if you're not at the con at the comedy works, there ain't no reason to be in Denver if you can't work the comedy works And it was just weird to go back and some of my friends came like Then the other side of the token was the guys I hung out with were always chasing shit The people hang out with was salesmen. So they were always chasing for the better sales job, you know They would go from car dealing and when they get mad at car dealing they go sell Stocks or investments and then when they get mad at that they go sell fishing poles and they were always chasing

$10,000 more. Yeah, but is the era? Yeah. Oh, it's fucking warm in here, but Do you want to turn it? I yeah turn it up a little bit turn that motherfucker up those mushrooms are settling in Me too And that's what would kill me on the other side that if I wouldn't have tried comedy and sat in boulder I would have been one of those guys. I have nothing against them Right, but right now they're my age and they're probably making 80 000 And they're working six days a week if they would have stayed at the same dealership And crunched their legs in right now

They would have made an 100 grand a year just showing up because all those old deals come back to you after five four years Absolutely, there's a great life lesson. No, they all traveled there. I remember the life is what was that expression? Grass is always green on the other side, but it really fucking isn't, you know, sometimes I tell people this all the time Sometimes people come to me and go, you know what man? I'm uh selling encyclopedias, but I'm not making the money. I won't Okay, so what are you gonna do Lee? Well, I think I'm gonna get a part-time job to supplement my income. So You're gonna sell encyclopedias from eight to five on the phone and then you're gonna go supplement your another income job Why don't we do this?

Why don't you go to the fucking uh A bookstore and buy the harvey limb back or whatever the fucking guy's name is the teacher's out of cell There's always a book in there always the teacher's people how to sell And you get on that fucking phone or whatever the fuck you're selling and you stick it out and you keep because what these guys are Doing we're moving around every 90 days And this is fucking I'm you know, I've been doing comedy 24 fucking years So these guys have been moved like when my friend came to see my girl, you stole that Whatever haunt he goes. No, that was five years ago. I went to investments and I went to sell wine door to door

And I'm like, you know, I didn't say nothing to him But that night when I got home, I did the signs across and I said, how fucking lucky am I that I fucking 50 I'm still not moving from dealership to dealership. Oh my god Well, what do you so blessed what happens because I've heard both of you guys talk Like what happens for comedians and actors who have to move change like management and agency because you have to change Like you outgrow at a certain point, but then let you ever worry like oh, maybe I'm making the mistake I knew this guy like it must be kind of weird Like there's a bunch of variations, but what happens is

You know, sometimes you're an agent retires Okay, sometimes you'll get a call and say this guy's like I'm leaving the business But sometimes you get an agent that calls you and says I'm going to a different agency And they bring a few people with them and you know, so now you have to Whoever you tell no to is going to be mad at you. You don't win. You know, you don't win Right. Yeah, you have to tell somebody some people don't give a fuck about it I do because I get involved with them because I feel that when I get involved with an agent He'll work for me a little bit more person. Yeah

So I get involved with them it happens with like I every time I left a job I'd be like fuck To like even even before college like when I was working at CVS Every time I left they're like I went to go to the movie theater and I hated the movie theater the first couple days So like you worry about like made the wrong choice So I can see where your friends are coming from you never listen once you go you fucking go Once you go you go you don't look back. There's no wrong choice. If you do, uh, uh What's an educated guess

A Hypothesis or whatever, you know, I'll sit down I thought it out when I got to call that Thursday. I thought it out. I sat down all week and I was somewhere and I Did the fucking Abe Lincoln clothes and yeah the pros and the cons and I thought it out And I knew the major decision when some of these feelings are gonna get hurt Yeah, if I stayed at one place I was gonna hurt the one guy and if I stayed the other place I was gonna hurt the one guy. Yeah, so you you know, sometimes you gotta remember It's your agent who got you there

Are we made a good point because I called our and he goes when I was in origin when when what's his name left They called me and said so now we're ready to go to work Lawrence would laugh and he's like why am I not staying I've had Lawrence since day one He's the one that got me all this work. I can't just fucking Can him and stay yeah, that's why I don't like agencies where you sign across the board with somebody Because now you're fucked for everything else. Yeah, so you got when I go with aqua for commercials You want to go with ca for bookings? You want to go with you know fountain blue fucking agency? So that doesn't happen. That's why people say when you go across the board, it's a bad

Makes sense. I never thought about it like that, but it's true But limit yourself. Well, it's just weird how this uh, this thing happened this weekend that it was full fucking circle and you sit there and You know that night I thought about did I ever think of this happening? Not in a million years. I always thought maybe I get better at doing comedy But I didn't think the comedy works to take me back. So I'm proud that they did. I'm really happy. They had some great shows great people came You know how that club is bro. That club's a fucking monster that club

And if somebody's high energy and loud that club is built for them. Yes, because it's low ceilings and shit Yes, you know, I had great sets. I had to work with Steve McGrew who's a fucking killer to follow But he lifted the room. He just took him out of the fucking dregs. He's such a brilliant comic, you know Worked with a couple guys. I worked with rick kerns. I hadn't seen rick in 20 years I know that name. I don't know if I ever worked with him, but I know that name rick is the rick was a guy that I looked up to more than Todd Jordan Todd Jordan was helping me But rick didn't give a fuck rick through bottles of people's faces rick through drinks of people's fate, you know First time I got a call from rick. We're working for bill bower not while bill bower was dead

Bill bower was a skier that booked rooms in colorado great sweetheart of a guy Who wasn't fit my couldn't pay my rent a couple because I would call him and go I can't pay rick And you front me the money and they just give me gigs and he'd do it all the time. That's how cool. He was So rick called me one day he goes, hey, I need for you to pick me up Uh, I need for you to do this open for me. I'll give you 200 but part of that 50 is for driving You got to drive. So I'm never forget. You got to my house. He's like you take the keys Stop at liquor store You know first thing is first emptied out of fucking Gatorade put vodka in and we drank that all the way up the river

It's in Wyoming and I was like we there was no saying no to rick kerns You don't tell me like no, I don't feel like drinking fuck I used to drink with because I knew he wouldn't stop And we'd do these gigs and we'd write together and he just He was uh, the opposite of Todd Jordan was very professional very on time war nice Rick kerns was me. He was dirty He yelled at club that owners then he went to when I moved to seattle He goes, I'll help you any way you could because he take he took fourth in in the sf san francisco comedy competition

In like 85. So I was up there in 80s No, and the fuck am I talking he won it like in 95 I was in seattle in 96 or he told me that he gave me all the references to call Fox and everything but he got arrested in chat nougat for going to buy crack And they flew him in the cell and they sprayed him he cursed at the cops and he fought them So they sprayed him with mace and they put him in the hole and every time the sunshine on him It would kick up the mace And he would be in there crying and scratching fucking. I sent the money in jail

And he came out and he got a great radio gig and then he was writing for the puppet From vegas to one that won america's Oh, uh, he was the Yeah, I met guy right. Yeah artistic director jeff not for jeff donham the other no no no the other guy Some guy with a puppet like a hand puppet. Yeah, that guy killed it. Yes the guy killed it You know, he's just a great guy now. He's rotten for unwhite and he writes for yeah, he's a great Bro, he recharges three bills an hour. I think it's 300 a joke And like 5,000 a bit or something that wow is

crazily What is that like is that a lot for I never knew what people charge I don't even know what people charge like how have you ever tried to think about what you would charge for it? Like I can't not not that you would ever write but like Since a lot of your day is spent writing and like not making like a salary Like have you thought about how much writing makes you? No, no, that's a lot of money. That's a complete different animal again involved. Yeah That's a complete different animal because if you're writing now, you're gonna get the writing agent

And you always got to write for free for a while. You got to write for free I just meant like you're writing like how much you think it's worth like garbage really garbage nobody says joey's a good fucking writer So move on with all I completely disagree with that. I'm not a good writer. I have more energy. No, I don't I have more energy That's what sells the joke. I do smoke and mirrors my friend. No, it's all tied together Now you're such a good writer and your voice is so unique. That's why you don't think it's good because nobody else in the world could do it That's how you know your writing is brilliant because you tap into what comedy is it's Giving the audience a plus b and then they make the connection c it's giving them the dots and then they have to connect the dots You're a master of that. I'm met you and you put that like every great performer you put that feeling in somebody's chest

It's the whole reason to use words is to create that feeling. It's not what you say It's what you make them feel and that's what you kill it I didn't know of course. I watch you and I'm like, oh genius. I didn't fucking know that. Yeah, you're the best That's why you're the guy Everybody watches trying to embarrass me. I'm sorry. I'm not trying. I should have just embarrassed me in front of my friend Shit you call me a dead beast sometimes I'm on your show and I just can't believe I'm here What the fuck how you doing man? What's going on in your world? You talk to gabriel the boys They showed I just texted him today about uh some pro wrestling article

I read been around the world since easter from easter that monday I flew to china then I was in town for a couple days went up to yuck yucks and calgary the best they love you up there Canadians are my favorite Canadians are crazy the nicest when it comes to comedy. It's in their fucking blood It's in their blood. Absolutely. That's the thing with con like They love it. They love it and they love it when it's crazy and love it when it's loud and they they just love it Canadians are different patois than the americans. Yeah, I love them and then from there. I did a us USO tour with burn. We went to iraq and kawaii And then I just did a bunch of one-nighters with paulie through texas and wisconsin

So now i'm in town and i'm on the church. What's happening now? How long are you uh, how long are you in home for? This is the longest stretch i've had since the cd came out. So since november I'm in town for like a the next gig. I know for sure. I've booked Is the week after fourth of july? lohoia lohoia comedy leaves already laughing. I'm in san diego again Why don't you just buy a house in san diego? One day I will Jesus christ, what are you giggling about fuck off? Because I just knew like every He'll ask me like once we got steve simone and like the last couple weeks

I had to say san diego like you were just there like a couple like a few months ago and like two weeks ago one nighter So he always just said mr. San Diego. That's the san diego. That's his fucking name. He loves it Nobody goes more to san diego than steve fucking diesel. No name. It's one of the only good open one nighters you can get from la, right? There's always some somebody's got a room down there that they'll throw some cash hatchet. They got a ton of rooms down there And they got the harris Monika's booking the harris. They got a ton of shit in san diego and years ago. They had nothing lohoia And something else. Oh, yeah, moon doggies whatever the hell it was. They still do moon doggies get out of here Tuesday night somebody's got to be booking it somebody and they had they had three rooms down there. They had uh

The one room I forget the name on monday so that didn't last long but it was great Then they had Tuesday night moon doggies then wednesday was the shithole next to him Yes, and then you went to that, uh, rosita's the mexican place around the corner That's my world. Yeah, I like it down the con the carnitas from there Are the best carnitas i've ever had in my fucking life. Oh the mexican food in el paso was so good It's a whole different thing. The pato candelaria show up Pato candelaria big big guy. Who was the mc? We just you and pauli. Yeah two-man show. Okay They got a couple good comics in el paso. El paso was a town

That I cut my comedy teeth and and I fucking cut my comedy teeth and like I don't work for bart anymore, but I think the last time I worked for bart was When freddy died around 2006 2007 freddy was in the fourth of july And uh, it's amazing. It's gonna be 10 years this month. All right. Yeah 10 years and uh, yeah, was it you like a week? Yeah, this is it. This is it right now That's fucking that's the quickest 10 years that because the longest yard came out freddy dropped Freddie dropped that june because I remember I was going somewhere and I couldn't go to the wake of nothing We had just done the houston comedy festival

It's amazing. It's been fucking 10 years longest yard was 10 years ago too 2005. I remember visiting you down on the set Goldberg was in the trailer next door stone cold steve austin's walking bites. That was the craziest Kevin you came down a couple times. Yes. Yeah, I know Ari came down a couple times You know what that was incredible for me It was a great experience to turn you guys on to it like I was watching this every day And my head listened the first time I walked into the table read My head just I just kept sitting there going I wish there was periscope because nobody's ever gonna believe me

I wish I had periscope right now because nobody's ever gonna believe what i'm looking at Nobody I mean nobody coming where I came from Nobody would believe when I walked into that room how my value in life Was garbage and I felt even more garbagey Because I hear he walked the first of all the guy when the limo pulled up adam sandler greeted me Said let me take that and took my luggage. You have flip flops on a pair of shorts

Wow, and I never forget looking at this guy going so this isn't your get up just in movies This is your get up in real life. You don't just don't care Like you had a flannel shirt on and some broken swim trunks and some fucked up sneakers on And he picked up my lug and he's like hey great to have you come on Let's go upstairs and I went upstairs and there's a table Like a fucking table like a spread like a last supper Packed with food and all those savages are eating the food and they're bringing them dishes. It's paramount They're bringing them dishes and they're like go help yourself. I took like a piece of sam I had

And I told the story before I had I don't know maybe 10 bucks 25 bucks I had enough for a pack of cigarettes. I had maybe three or four joints. Maybe two joints And I had enough to tip the fuck. Yeah, I tip the limo driver five bucks I mean, that's all I got. I'm sorry and he's like no worry about these people take care of me And I had like 20 bucks and I went in and I'm gonna sit here going one of these people gonna ask me how much money I have Or something. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They were eating at first. They were eating when I got there So I just went over and pick them the first I had I saw was romanoski and I just put my head back down Then I looked up again. There was the big uh, indian with

Warriors when I saw warriors come out to play. Yay. Oh, yeah in the room I couldn't even look up and even when my these guys are gonna fire me They're doing a background check as we speak I mean I couldn't both this is just and then Brett Reynolds like hey, how you doing? I'm like Sit down next to me. Come on boys. Sit down next to me. Let's do this together. And I'm sorry. I had him Irvin Wow, I had Irvin to one side. I had Irvin to the left of me and fucking Bert to the right of me I had Nick to tour across from me. I had a warriors come out to play and I had uh,

Kevin Nash, that's who was right. Wow And I kept looking for my scene, you know, like you had a yellow and then yeah Every time I had to speak I was like, what are they gonna fire me? Yeah, and then when I walked out to go they go come in for a second I go Oh, there you go. They're gonna fire me. They go. Hey You gotta go to the doctor for a physical and you have to go sign your contract We're gonna only sign you for four weeks. Oh my god. That was the deal I wasn't something was gonna happen at the prison to me. Yeah, I wasn't gonna be able to play something

But after I was there for one week. They paid me to do Who gots? Wow, I would take the fucking limo. No, they gave me a rental car I would take the rental car down and eat their lunch Wow, like that lunch at one I would write down to eat the fucking chicken the rice and beans The first couple weeks we did everything at the high school gym And the tables were like, you know, they're fucking professional football players. They want to eat everything I mean, there was everything. Yeah eggs oatmeal, you know, there was everything a little bit of everything And I would go there and eat and see these guys and go they're gonna fire me the first week when I didn't work

Oh my god, I was in my room going they know They know I kidnapped somebody they're getting the paperwork ready right now for a week every time I got high It was get paranoid then we're gonna find then the second week I didn't work Monday, but Tuesday. I did something we did. Uh, we were gonna kill the guards We were gonna rip the guards and then we did the opening scene meatball, whatever For whatever. What's the line? I say some which one the beginning the first line. I'm gonna try out football Football triads football tryouts you Then the next day I did

the stomach When they put me and they're like go just talk and I'm like, don't you fucking cut me cock suckers though? You can't take cock suckers. Don't you cut me you fuck. You can't say you fuck story. Don't you cut me ass holes like I was out in the rain and that scene they have me on a tarp. It's so weird how you don't see it they had me on a tarp And it was fucking about the poor And then like Joey, what do you think? I'm like, let's shoot this motherfucker I kept shooting it and they're like go and adam and chris rocker howlin

They're on the sides fucking howlin and I'm like you motherfuckers Don't fucking cut me you fuck and I do it again do it again do it again Then the fucking sky blew up and we all ran to the to the trailers and she and we're all in and they're all giggling at me Hit me. I tell like that was great every now everybody in the set was talking to me Yeah, everybody in the set was like now you did the job. Yeah. Yeah. Now before you can't say nothing until you rock them You can't say nothing. You got to sit there like you're retarded Once I did that you should have heard them bam. Joey fuck We were dying even nick was like oh, so now it's raining

But I mean not regular raining the sky is black type deal And we go to our trailers and they go don't leave just staying the trailers. We didn't want to drive in this weather So once it's cooled down they used to have a hut where they would bring All the film tour and everybody the producers would watch the dailies. Yeah And when I walked out guys, I'm not I never said this nobody I could hear them laughing And I said to myself That's a shame. I only have two 10 more days on this set They didn't give me a chance to show them what I could really do once I get warmed up and yeah comfortable

And now and when I got they said go eat dinner and we'll talk to you And at dinner they came and go Adam wants to see And when I walked to adam he gave me a piece of paper and he goes sign that they're gonna extend you for 17 more weeks Congratulations Wow And we gave you a raise and we'll put you on the f-series. You're in I always like I tease in my eyes. What's f-series f-series means. It's like a sag contract where they It's a ensemble cast

Oh, so if you're part of an ensemble cast they have different shooting things like you have to show up every day even if you don't work There was a lot of little variables that they go unless you have permission not to be there, you know So it was just amazing. I went back to my trail and started crying. I mean, this isn't happening This isn't fucking happening, you know And the next day I got there and they already had the welcome suit They had like a camera for me You know, I mean adam went, you know He was always the sweetest. He was like a thousand bucks. It was like t-shirts and underwear and brand new socks and a camera

Accessories for your cell phone. I mean he went all out. They had tons of shit to give you And uh, but that was the story man And then I would bring you guys and we were here That wasn't in new Mexico If I got to brought you guys to new Mexico, you had really would have blown up because they had umbrella girls They went to albuquerque and hired strippers for 200 cash a day They come and put them up They're kind of all football players were fucking them and tormenting them to put them up up at the

So they would come every day and just stand with umbrellas and bikinis and shot plants and Wow, and you were assigned a fucking umbrella girl Are you fucking crazy and anytime you move they move with you? That's why it's always like this movie cost a hundred million to produce. You know They have umbrella girls. You're fucking umbrella girls. That's insane. That's insane So when we brought you when I got you up to it Like I had to show people this and I didn't want to show just anybody like I wanted to show my blood I wanted to show comics who I really believed in because

Let me tell you something man. I don't I if I wouldn't have done a warm-up to that movie I would have gotten fired I tell people there's two projects that I should have gotten fired from that. There's no way I could have come to the General hospital fired Fired if I would have came here and they got whether I would have got general hospital from the jump fired That's one-on-one acting. That's what you don't talk to nobody They give you paperwork at the gate. Hi, Joe. There's yet. Boom. They give you an envelope They tell you what room to go to and they go keep you on the wall because there's like, uh, you know

Stock exchange. Yeah, it just moves. It says scene 38 come to the stage rehearsal They don't fuck that you can't be on the stage. You just have to sit in your room dressed There's a microphone and I and I like a thing and they'll go Scene 44 come in for rehearsal You got to go in there rehearse the scene go put your clothes on And you go back in there and there ain't no cuts. There's no nothing. Let's say the line is I fucked you in the ass Mildred and you fucked everything up except Mildred. They go pick it up in the top And don't say I looked I fucked in the ass Mildred. They want you to pick it up from where you fucked up the line

That's how professional they are. They speed along. They don't have time. They don't have time to stop and train you It's a three-camera shoot against the wall So they're just moving. They're just moving. So they call yacht and they're like, Joe, you ready? Yeah Seems they don't even call you by your name Scene 34 come out for rehearsal. But all right. We'll see you guys go back to your room and change We'll look up the teleprompter scene 24 come back and shoot you go up there Be there's no turnarounds. There's no Let's do this. Let's do a halt from the top go sit down for 45 minutes. No, no, no, no

They fucking burn right through the scenes when you go in there you rehearse that motherfucker You run back you put your clothing on and you come back out I would have fired from that and I would have fired from the longest show I've probably got that like right away. Yeah, couldn't handle it. There's no way There were so many variables the acting like you have to remember tattoos What tattoos you got and where because they don't know they just give the fucking guy a package every morning Okay, so you have to tell him no, it's right fucking there So you have to know exactly for the camera and some of the pa's will come and fuck with you

Bro, you got to go do that tattoo all it's too close to your knuckle. I don't have pictures from yesterday and go Wow was yesterday Yeah, it was there was a lot of little things I couldn't get fucking used to And plus my insecurities just your insecurity alone, you know, it's not a movie with four college kids Right. This is Chris Rock looking at you and fucking, you know, for Reynolds What's the other guy, you know, gotta gotta tell the car actually Tracy Morgan all these fucking people you can't fuck when they say, all right ready joey. Yeah action There's 200 people watching gotta deliver. This isn't fucking 10 people in the room. There's 200 people going come on joey and you're like

It's like a fucking fist fight. It's like going to school play, you know, so it was I wouldn't have made it So when I brought you guys I wanted you guys I didn't bring I only brought you an army Wow, you are in maybe there's two other people dave crowded Maryland's husband I told Brett Reynolds that he was a probation officer. That's how I got him on the set Like you're on probation for what don't worry about it. What's his name? Why you and Brett Reynolds got him and gave him an ear beating for like three hours about why he wanted to go into law enforcement So when dave left there, he was dave looks down on me from having everything goes joey's all right No matter what happened because I took him on that set and fed him

He ate at the fucking lunch. You ate dude. Oh, it was amazing You introduced me to Bert Reynolds the first person you introduced me to did Uncle Bert Here's Steve Simone of the Philadelphia Simone's And then you got him to start telling Steve McQueen stories about him and Steve McQueen at the Formosa Oh my god And I'm like this is this happening So then that happens and we're having laughs you're making Bert Reynolds laugh the whole time So then Adam Sandler comes over and Adam Sandler's like wanted to be in the mix with you and Bert Reynolds

And I'm going what am I doing here? Don't say anything. Don't say anything And then you introduced me as as a comic and then sandler told me a story about when he had a big huge showcase at the ice house And he bombed and forgot everything and he was like joey. We're making movies now He goes it's so much easier than stand-up comedy and I went where am I? Where am I? I remember it all You know, I love when I love decent people

I love like Lee when I call Lee and tell him I'm gonna fuck you up mother fuck what doing heroin and when he does Oh my god, he knows I'm giggling in the back. Yeah When Adam when you went up to Adam, you know told him your story like Adam. Hold on one second Here's the script. Let me talk to you Adam would look at me and I could tell he was enjoying it Why he was enjoying it because I know I was rubbing a lot of people wrong, but he loved Do you follow me? Like that's why he loved me even more because he knew I was rubbing the fucking producer wrong

He knew the director hates me. He knew the other producer hated me He knew like everybody was like, we don't know we should take joe deers and he's like, I'm gonna give this fat fucker shot I watch him personally when my nutsack father my shorts First person that came home and said put that speed back How cool is that most people come over here? What the fuck you're not decent Adam was howling Adam and joe rogan are the same person You know within the room serious and people like listen joe, you really got a team it down with joe joe goes crazy They go why why you got you better team it down? Why that guy is fucking fun to have you know

Joe goes over and that's how Adam that day When I went up to Adam sound like oh, he's talking to all these fucking industry people We're in it's the day Nellie's album went double platinum. He sold the the two albums the same day and sit whatever Yes, and he had that uh brand new Rolls Royce or Bentley or whatever. Well, ideally this is all going on on this day So they come in that morning and say there was a Now this is all the people from the movie and we're in that's the scene. I took my pants off Right. I walked back and I'm like, I'm not dressing for this and they're like you have to you have to and I waited Left the room I didn't know I knew exactly how to get what I wanted. I knew exactly how to get how I wanted Adam

I didn't fuck around with nobody else. I went right to Adam and fought my case Like they wanted me to smoke and I was like Adam come in. I ain't smoking. Who said you knew the smoke? You do what you want joe. Don't bother me That he loved it the day he gave me the microphone You know, it was him that gave me the microphone with all those kids there and then he ran away and I could see him in the back I go He gave Dante was there They said don't give Joey the microphone

Don't give them the microphone. I don't know if I know this story. What happened? It was crowd the crowd the crowd warm up You know when the crowd warm up comes in there's a warm up. Yeah, so they like that and Dante knew me So we in Dante are fucking around. I guess they went to Dante and said When you pass that microphone, don't give it to Joey Diaz Adam took it from Dante and gave it to Joey Diaz And he's like go up there and do five minutes and people like Shut it down. Shut it down. They grabbing kids and I had him. It's like feed him go He's loving it with his little fucking meme machine. Sure. I'll never forget it

He was loving it and then when they came back and they gave him the thing He goes don't fuck them because don't worry about them. He goes. I told him and you okay That's the one who he gave me that moniker. He goes listen, since you walk in the room the room becomes all right They all knew that fuck him and he walked away from wow That's how cool that man was that's how cool anybody listen That's why when people talk about Adam Sandler like his movies not about his movies, man It's how he treats people. You know freddy Went because freddy subtle did the movie with him after me. Yeah, spanglish spanglish

So freddy went to the premiere with adam and freddy called me next day. He goes dog I asked him he goes I didn't want to ask him during the movie But I asked him at the at the thing about what you think of my man, Joey Diaz and he goes Hold on one second. He goes. Where did that motherfucker come? He stole my movie. I go He fucking came on that's that and he was high five in p.m. I mean, you know after a month. I ran Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course my own uniforms everybody give me massages You know you had guys picking us up on golf cards on golf cards Gators how much what no, he'll take you to who gets something he didn't give you gators

Didn't give you gave you gave me up with gators on and I go what is this because romanoski had a gator company So he was giving those shoes to everybody and he gave the gay guy a pink one romanoski don't fucking around He hated that kid. He gave him pink fucking you had roma Romo, I got a big eagles fan over here. You let you introduce me to everybody I brought now that I bring you already today burnt rentals hit the touchdown to win the game Was it both he is or was it arry because arry said he was right. I was right that oh my god That's very fucking rentals. I had to call my father. It was fucking surreal And now I never wanted you to go on the set and go

This is shit. I was on longer show. Yeah, these motherfuckers are punk ass bitches compared to what I saw Oh, I remember telling people when I got back to the comedy store. They were like, I forgot who it was. They were like Oh, really was that and I go you don't understand and then they told everybody That me and you got into a chicken fight with adam samler burnt rentals I was I was on your shoulders And burrows was on adam samler's shoulders People are like no way it was the best. It was the best. He really fun You know, I think adam like I watch adam and other movies now and like the other day

So ham was on yesterday. People didn't like that's great. I loved that. I watched it because it's adam I watched it because it was adam because I was thinking how I went to audition And I wrote him a letter if I want work. Well, I had to do it right out in samler or a letter Like I haven't seen him in two years. He just finished a cowboy movie. Oh, cool. I'm writing him a letter next week I've been thinking about it for like a month. It's time for an adam samler letter So maybe his next movie's in hawaii because he shoots all those fucking movies in hawaii too, you know They want to shoot the longest shot in hawaii. I think they would have been But then they couldn't figure out how they were going to CGI the trees. Oh my god. That was the problem

They didn't know how they were going to get rid of the fucking palm trees Really? No, that's why I brought It's weird. We're still friends fucking 12 years later and I had the utmost respect. I knew you were gonna do something with your life. I just wanted you to see that So you could see what I was seeing through my eyes and For that whole shooting I was waiting to die I'm not gonna lie to any of you guys. I was waiting to a building to fall on me

And I was ready to accept it. I was I was that far I was such a loser for such a long time. This didn't put me in a I I never looked at it like that's that to me No, no, no, I looked at it as Uh I had been I had Nothing had been working out for me for so long. So when I got this it was I felt like something was gonna happen. Like I was gonna die of a heart attack I kept thinking the building was gonna fall on me. I remember laughing in

In a Santa Fe going When is this building gonna fall on me? It's only five floors. It's not gonna happen here. It's gonna happen in LA Yeah, not a fucking regular one. It's like a panel is gonna fall on me It was just too surreal It was too surreal to be at a table the prison table at the end when we're eating the chicken We got so fucking high. I bought a pound I bought a pound For 2,500 dollars and brought it with me. It was so good to weed. I just brought it with me

I sold half of it to nelly and I gave the other half to other people Me and nelly and the rest of us were so fucking stoned now. What's the quarterback from the other team? He hates weed They put him in nelly's trailer by mistake And some of he had smoked weed in there and he got pissed. He didn't like drugs So we we went out of our way to torment that fucking guy That's a star the quarterback, but that that scene we got so high We ate so much chicken

They had to send out and get more stuffing. That's what we're eating. Whatever we were eating in that thing All the cranberry sauce We ate the fucking 10 cans of cranberry sauce. Oh, they kept saying how can cranberry sauce be that delicious? We were so fucking stoned. We ate the cranberry sauce Everything and that scene we were there for a day that scene what made that scene even better was that uh Foco, uh, we just mentioned him. He was next to me when he ripped the door off the trailer What was his name? Yeah a golberg golberg. Golberg is good friends with the tv host from chicago mori povich. I didn't know

So he did this uh, sorry about that people. I'm trying to Not make the bottle and so he did a benefit. He brought kids that day Like, you know 100 homeless kids or something. Wow mori povich did and we're racked and golberg. We're racked We're stoned to the gills And these kids are walking around us asking us fucking creepy questions. How do I get into stand-up? That's just amazing. I remember hugging this little black just I couldn't where I had been I had never seen anything like that

You know, I had done a movie james colburn. I had done little things already. I had done spider-man 2 already when I got that movie But nothing impacted me like the first month of the longest shot. I walked around and didn't do it. I didn't do blow At all in santa fe till the last week where I took that little chick home that sucked the bottles That tracy mogan kept asking if she wants a black baby That fucking little dirty bitch. That's the only person I did blow it. I mean that that was it. I mean I was so In this zone that this is not happening. This is like my mother dying. This is not happening This dream i'm gonna wake up out of this dream. I gotta fire me but you know, uh

It was just a good preparation like it really, uh It was amazing. I remember now on hindsight. I looked back at stuff like that I remember it was joe rogan that told me that he goes fame comes to you in stages And he was and it was exactly what you were just saying. He said that uh He was like, this is gotta be 14 years ago at the comedy store 12 years ago He was like If tomorrow night you got on the tonight shows there was a fallout and they go put steeve Simone on the tonight show He goes and you killed it. He's like you could kill it right now

He goes, but that would be the worst thing in the world for you because you wouldn't be able to handle it You would lose your mind. He was like, it's gotta come to you in stages He goes first you're gonna become friends with somebody famous He was like, that's the great thing about the comedy store. It's like look at it He goes, do you think of me as famous? I go, I guess so he goes. Yeah, but it's not a big deal to you He goes, I was just in florida with joe ideas We're in the mall and people go there's the guy from news radio This was even before UFC blew up and he goes we got chased in the mall

He goes, they didn't know how to handle seeing somebody famous. He goes, but now we're friends He goes, I'm not joe rogan from tv. I'm just joe to you and I'm like, yeah And then he said he goes now. That's the first First level just the second stage. He goes one of your friends And I remember Ren is easy and Ari were there He goes one of these guys it could be him it could be one of these got one of your friends is going to become famous And he goes, that's what's going to trip you out. You're going to start going Wait, we were working the door at the comedy store together and now he's making movies and he goes and that's what you need

He goes because then it starts to seem normal to you you get exposed to it without the pressure of performing He was like and then what's going to happen is you're slowly going to start to become famous and not even realize it He's going to because because when one of your best friends is shooting a movie You're pissed that you just got to do the tonight show you're going to go Yeah, I did the tonight show, but I should have done the tonight show five years ago So it's all going to be behind where you think you're supposed to be and he goes and that's how it seems normal to you He goes and that's why you're making movies, but you're really thinking about what are you going to produce next? You don't even think acting in a movie is a big deal. I'm like, that's genius and it's so true

You know when I came out here, I never expected big things. I never expected I I knew what I didn't want to be I knew that's important. I didn't want to be Seinfeld. I knew I always wanted to be a character In a big show let them, you know, uh, what's the two to show with the gay guy grace Will and grace will ingrate those that show is not about those two Jamocs. I like them both that show is about the chick the alcohol. It's a little short girl I never saw that. Oh, oh, she's tortured. I never saw she was Fucking tremendous on that. She was really good. It was it was their show, but it was her and jack Yeah, who fucking demolished that show. I mean she

Demolished that show. She was everything a character wanted to be rich a drunk married to a 70 year old guy Or her comments us a drunk fucking everything is she's just a drunk with vodka She made that show but nobody gave a credit I did children's hospital with it and I saw her running in the halls and she's doing the clown shit and I walked up on my listen That fucking darmin greg would I Grace and slick whatever was willing grace you fucking rocked that and she's like, thank you. I mean you really rocked that Wow, I'm gonna have to go back and watch it. Oh

Oh, she kills the dog. She fucking kills it every episode. She was the episode That's awesome. The show her in the mexican made Yeah, the mexican fucking made we're fucking brilliant brilliant together. So that's like your ideal role Yes Just come on the show and let me go fucking crazy. Let somebody else be their name on the thing Let them do all that. I don't I want that. I never wanted that guy I never wanted to sit in the fucking bmw. I never wanted to walk into a fucking comedy club eight deep That's not necessarily those things are not necessary to me

I don't judge my manhood by me driving a beam and throwing keys on a valet. Right. I see the attitude I don't not like beamers because I don't like them because people get this different attitude when they drive a beamer Especially here. Yes, you know, they don't even you make all this money And you have all these options to buy a car But you go buy this beamer because that's what the stat, you know, that's always bothered me Yep, you know when I did a lot of movies when I go to studios, I see all these lines up in beavers in cars beavers Like nobody has any creativity. Like they all want to be part of the same fucking gang. Yeah, fuck that shit That's why a beamer and then to what to spend 60 000 to do 35 go fucking mother. Yeah, I got a fucking beamer

They if I do 90 in the subgroup and you might want to do the fucking beamer You know, I mean it's I was thinking about what's going on with you in your life right now right now You're a rocket ship With all the right people sitting it but they haven't loaded the gun powder in it. Yeah, like you're ready to take off It's just a matter of it's like when you go to an airport and they're behind there's 15 flights It's whenever your plane takes off

Because you never really know what's going on, but you can always see a guy that's doing the right choices I didn't know Then but I know now that for some reason in all my co-cays when we were fucking around in vegas with dj and dj Never fucking in That I still Was making good choices as a comic. I was still trying. I knew that I wasn't gonna make it as a comic I fucking knew it. I knew that what I wanted wasn't gonna come to me as a comic So I went through the back door

It's funny how all these people on twitter hit me and they go joey. I'm watching you on base. I didn't know that was me Guy I've been fucking at this for 10 years. Sure. I've been at this for 18 years. Okay Nothing I could always see when I smell somebody who's looking for a quick hit I I know when somebody approaches me and they have their nose wide open You can always tell when somebody's walking into a room and their nose is wide open You didn't come to the store with me last week or the week before you missed this girl the other night that and I always said I was I wanted to be funny

I always wanted to be funnier than being famous To me, I wanted to be funny To be fuck famous. Fuck all that shit earn your black belt. I wanted to be wanted to be a bad. I wanted to learn I watch I love lucy. I watch the honeymooners. I watch jack betty I watch comedy from every fucking level to be funny to take a little piece from those people not a joke Not from their eye. I watch jets. I watch, you know, the other day I was on a phone with down wherever and I explained to Dom how many times I watched that rodney special that he's on with all those famous comedians I rented it so much. They wouldn't take my money at the fucking video store no more

Wow Nobody else was writing that fucking movie when I was writing it But I rented it so much that they were like joey. We can't take your money no more. Thank you You've been you paid for this movie three four times I you know I lie to people I tell people that was a pussy wasn't that was a pussy it was I was covering my fucking basis First thing I watched was punchline With tomhanks. Yep. And then after that you make the call you buy judy car to workbook

Yep, you read that then you buy the gene parade bullshit. Yes, and you read that A little while right now in the meantime. I wasn't a pussy. I was preparing myself for marie angle just like jujitsu I didn't want to miss a beat and I've come back to it later. So I got the rodney danger field both of them would fucking Roseanne and hicks and canison and and the black guy that made the movie for $4,000 on this credit card Robert Townsend killed it killed it father Big pete little pete worth pete pete. I want my lyric killed on that. You don't need fucking times I watched that and made notes and cried

And it it went to bed. Is it on youtube? It's one of the best pieces to stand up for me danger fields comedy specials tweak that in there I had no money at all no money when I was living with fat james And I remember coming off the road with paulie One time I bought the rockies. There was five rockies. I bought the five rocky dvds next time I came off the road I bought the rodney danger field. They did a collection of those And it was all the specials It is uh, it was common. I'm sorry. I haven't spoken about this earlier. It was comedy 101 for me

Uh, ronnie danger fields. No respect. Let's try that Let's try what happened. All right. That's a comedian special. There it is Yeah, look for rodney young comedian special Sorry about that guys. You really really if you have not seen this trying 1884 Oh Have you seen bob nelson lee? No. Oh, he's so tap him tap him about where right on top right on the top one That's bob nelson with the fucking uh, the boxing gear and you really never seen this jeff. What put this on lee for the people at home

If you've ever wanted to be a professional boxer or just look like one Come on down to jiffy jeff's gym in new york city You never saw this lee? No, I'm gonna shoot you in the fucking head too. No, wait. No, you're still a part of it The proprietor of jiffy jeff's gym jiffy jeff himself To give you a few free pointers on how to become a professional fighter You know what's on this leaf? No, you show me this Oh

Am I on am I on camera? Uh, hello, hello Hello Hello, welcome to jiffy jeff's gym. Uh, my My name my name is jeff My name is jeff and I own I own the gym and uh I'm gonna give you a few free free free testing On the professional fight become a professional fighter how to become a professional fighter first of all, let me start off right off the bat

right off the bat let me start off There's a lot of training a lot of training a lot of training training training train train train every day training training training but a lot of training as a matter of fact Some of the guys take the train from their homes it is a day It's in a city every day, it's inside city Which is a lot of training itself as well So you have to trade to trade trading trade Get a monthly ticket, get a monthly ticket,

if you take the trade, lots of money. I have a monthly ticket, I don't take the train, but it's such a fuckin' bargain. I'll get one anyway, you know? Okay, trading, that's one. Now also… You need a nickel. I can't get in my pocket.

You need a nickel, nickel, necklace, nickel, necklace, nickel! Oh! You need a nickel, a nickel, a nickel, a nickel, a nickel, yeah, that's it. If you want to become a fighter, a fighter, a fighter, a fighter, if you want to become a fighter, you need a good nickname. Okay, Jerry Cootie, have you heard Jerry Cootie? He's got a good nickname, they call him gentlemen, they call him gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen. Start your engines! They call him gentlemen, and do you know why? You don't want to call him gentlemen, you know why?

You know why? You know why? I don't fucking idea why. That's your friend Nick, Dave. And then there's, uh, 5. There's a Marvelous, there is a Marvelous women's unlimited. You don't want to call a Marvelous because he looks good. That's what it called, Matt. I have a nickname, they call me Jeff Jeff Jeff! WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?

I thought I heard somebody calling me, anyway, hey, call me Jeff, Jeff, what, what, what? I thought it was a commercial. I'm probably looking at me saying, who the hell are you to tell me about the fight game? Well, let me tell you right now, I've had myself, I've had alto training. I've had alto, alto, no, a lot, a lot of training. I'm sorry, I spelt it wrong, I spelt it wrong, alto, a lot, okay, I fucked up. But anyway, I have had a lot of training. I was a professional fighter at one time.

I had what, I had what, I had what, I had what, what, what, what, what, what, what the fuck do you want? Oh, I'm talking to you, right, I'm talking to you. But believe me, I had six professional fights, six professional fights, of which I lost 11. Funny, funny, funny, fucking story, you want to hear a story? I'll tell you something, I, I, I, I've been, I've been, I've been, I, I was fighting with Marvin. I was sparring, do you ever spar with somebody sparring master? They pay you very well, $5 a shot, $5 a shot, every time they hit you, boom, $5, you know? So if you get hit 10 times, what is that, $35?

Anyway, that's what happened. So I was sparring with this guy, I was sparring with, I was sparring with Marvin Haggler. No, Marvin, Haggler, Marvin, Haggler, Marvin. What are those fucking guys, it doesn't matter. They're like the same guy. I forgot he curses. I forgot he curses. What's the song called?

I don't know, anyway, anyway, I've been to ring, I've been, I've been to ring with this guy, I've been to ring, right? I've been to ring, I've been to ring, I've been to ring, I've been to ring, I've been to ring. Answer the fucking phone, where you from? Anyway, I've been to ring with Haggler, right? And he's, he's, he's, he's hit me, he's hit me, he's hit me, he's hit me, he's hit me, he's hit me. I'll count my money, $5, $5, $5, $5, $5, $5, $5. Good payday, $5, $5. Now all of a sudden, all of a sudden, he stops hitting me.

I'll fight with the guy, all of a sudden he stops hitting me. I'm in a corner like this, coming up like that, you know? I can't see him, so after about 30 seconds, I'm thinking one of two things. Either he went home, or he ran out of money. I don't know which, you know? That's Mitch Hedberg. That's a Mitch Hedberg joke, right? Yeah, there he is.

That's the type of joke that Mitch would write. This is brilliant, guys. Physical, well written. You know, I'm sorry I didn't talk about this for other people, wanted to stand up and start. Let's see what else they got on there. Okay. They got, who else on, do they have a look for? Oh shit, look for Andrew Dries Clay.

Oh, he kills it. Oh, he fucking kills it. Kills it. He follows Bill Hicks. Just scroll that down. Right there. You want to do this, Clay? Yeah, yeah, he fucking kills the shit.

This is what made him a star. You ever saw this one? No, you showed me this. This whole thing? No, I don't think we watched the whole thing. I'll show you Bill Hicks. Yeah. And I guess the best way to describe him is to say he's the typical boy next door.

Say hello to Andrew Dries Clay. Okay. Who's the gay dude that was pool at the store? I loved him. He always showed up with young boys. He's the, he opens up the show. He opens one of these up because there's two of them. Yeah, there are two of them.

Guys, like I said, I'm sorry. Go on Amazon and look for Rodney's young comedian special if you want to know comedy 101. Because you've got 10 of the best comics of all time to learn from, from Lenny Clark to fucking Kenison at the end. Yep. And you know Hicks how to follow this fucking animal. Yep. And he fucking follows him great.

He's comedy 101 guys. Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet. Eating occurred some way. Long came a Spidey sat down beside. He said, hey, wasn't the bull bitch. It's still funny. I want to cry. Jack and Joe went up the hill, both with a buck and a quarter.

Joe came down with 250. Little boy blue. He needed the money. Was an old lady lived in a shoe. She has so many kids, a uterus fell out. Doesn't put a laugh to that. Mary, Mary, quite contrary. Trim that pussy, it's so damn hairy.

Oh, mother hobbit went to the cupboard to get her old dog a bone. She bent over, over, took over. She got a bone of her own. 38 years ago this was, guys. Right? 27, 27, 28. 28 fucking years, guys. Wow.

Like I said, if you really get a chance, you should watch this if you're into stand-up. And what did you watch to get you into stand-up? This stuff. I remember watching this live. I remember me and my brothers, it was in my parents' bedroom for whatever reason. I guess it came on late at night. And we're all on the floor watching it. Everybody in the room together crippled with laughter.

I remember dice. I remember Kinnison coming out and doing the sand bit. That's like, why are you eating? Why are you here? Yep. All that shit. This is sand. Yeah.

Nothing grows here. It's a fucking desert. Yep. I remember seeing Eddie Murphy. I remember my parents going to see Pryor when I was three. And I don't know why, but I remember I wanted to go see him. I grew up in one of those houses where some families are like the sports family, where they know everything about sports and the kids are all athletic.

And then there's other families where they're nerds. My family was the comedy family. You could come over and watch rated R movies when I was nine. My parents didn't care. I was watching Eddie Murphy, Carlin. I remember seeing the dice. And then the special dice man comments after that. Oh my God, I'm being in the halfway house.

Watching that in the fucking halfway house, making them watch that New Year's Eve. Yep. And at that point I knew. I'm like, this is what I want to do. I want to do what he's doing because he's saying half the shit I'm thinking. Yes. You know, plant it in your ass and all that shit. He's saying half the things I'm fucking thinking anyway.

So I want to give this a shot. You know, dice really fucking was the one that pushed me over the ledge. Yeah. I liked Rodney. I liked Richard Pryor. But dice was the one that said, wait. You know, when I watch Richard Pryor, I go, maybe I could do that. But when I watch dice, dice was the convincing thing.

Yes. Because my thoughts were like that. You know, people, you know, just so many things that might, when I'm walking and I was telling people on Stacey, your first reaction is your real reaction. Yes. When you guys saw a picture of Caitlyn last week and you said in your heart, Jesus Christ fucking almighty. That's your first reaction.

Yeah. And your mind gets that reaction and makes it society forms it. So you have an answer. Yes. So when you go to Starbucks, you don't offend your friends and you don't offend your coworkers. Right. That's the problem with society today. Everybody can't offend them.

We can't say what's really on our mind. But your first reaction is what the fuck is this? Yeah. What the fuck? There's so many things like that that happened in today's society that we're not really fucking thinking about. Like, what the fuck is this? Yeah.

What the fuck is this? It even applies to the medical marijuana business. I just went to Denver and I'm like, what the fuck is this? You know, I like this. This is great. Blah, blah, blah. But what the fuck is this? Yeah.

This cannot be. This cannot be happening. I don't fucking like that. What are you guys laughing about? You cleaned the microphone. I don't know. There was a piece of fucking something on there like lint. I wasn't laughing at that.

I was laughing at your reaction like, this is too good to be true. This is too good to be true. No. Listen, I look at it from both perspective. I look at things like that. I'm not going to lie to you. I'm not going to lie to you. I'm a pot smoker.

I've smoked about the fucking 30-something fucking years. Am I proud? No, I'm not proud of it. Right. But there's one part of that that I see it weakening the moral fuck. I'm not going to lie to you. Interesting. You know, this thing with Caitlyn, okay, he had female feelings.

I'm going to go on the ledge here. He had female feelings. And whatever he had, he knew he was a female. I watched the whatever Diane Sawyer and it was very touching and I cried myself. I get in the way of what he's doing. Yes. I don't get the applaud for this. I think it's a fake applaud.

You know, again, I'm going to go on the limb here. Two guys getting married. Listen, I got a gay cousin. I have fucking tons of friends that are gay and I break their balls. I call them faggot. I say it on stage. But I have no hatred for gays or nothing like that. But I got to tell you something.

Two guys walking down the street fucking married. It doesn't bother me. It does not bother me. But I have to ask you. How is Lee and his wife and their attorneys and their straight-lays people? Lee wouldn't curse if he didn't hang out with me. Lee wouldn't do half the fucking things. How would him and Paula, what would they talk about?

How would they tell their son? They're going to have a nice son or a nice daughter. They're not going to curse. They're not going to drink in the house. They're two nice white fucking people. How do you explain to your son at five why Jim and fucking Pata swap and spit down the fucking block? Because you're going to see it. You're going to fucking see it.

Your daughter who is six is going to go daddy. You told me mommy and daddy. That's already happening in the schools. It's happening. So I'm not mad at it. But this is something that America would have said, hey man, what the fuck is going on here? There's pro and con to it. I understand you want a man and you want to make your fucking statement.

But I still got to fucking tell people. I still got to talk to six-year-olds that can't comprehend that type of shit. I always listen. I saw one shoot whatever at eight. I'm telling you right here, guys, did it affect me in a lot of ways? I do not know. If you talk to psychiatrists, it did affect me somewhere. Did it give me PTSD?

I don't know. They don't know. But this morning's episode also on the soprano is very interesting. I got up early this morning. We're up to season three. We haven't watched it in five or six years. Great one you haven't seen in a while. That's what I did.

We turned these on. Wow. And that episode also is when Anthony figures out why he started fainting. When he goes to Satrials and they take Satriali in the back and they cut his finger off. Okay. They cut his finger off. He's fine. He gets in the car.

He goes home. The guy who plays his father. Great. It's fucking great. Have you seen him yet? No. He was in Carlito's way. He's the brunette that chases Carlito to the train at the end.

Get him. He's the son. He's the son. He's what's his name son? Oh, yeah. Both of them. Him and the guy who plays young junior are in Carlito's way. I got it.

That was a good movie. I got to go back. Carlito's way is a very fucking good movie. But what do you call that? What were you talking about? Sopranos. Sopranos. The childhood incident affected him as a grown-up.

So he went to Satrials. The reason why they own Satrials is because Satrials killed himself. It's a great, interesting story. The Satrials. He killed himself because he owed bookie money. He lost a shot to gambling. And that's why the Sopranos took it over. Tony took it over.

He owns it or whatever. But then he goes home. And that's when his father calls him over and says, come here. Most guys would have ran away like a little girl. You handled it. Nothing happened to you. I'm proud of you. But don't get older and gamble.

He breaks it down from him. He goes, I know you like Mr. Satrials. And he's a good man. But he has a very bad problem to gamble. He doesn't honor his bets. And a man honors his debts. And he breaks it down. I mean, you just cut off some guy's fucking finger.

You break it down for your kid. And poor young Tony was like, yeah, whatever. Then they go in the kitchen and he cut the roast. And as he's cutting the roast, that's the first time he fainted. And he got four stitches. And then Dr. Malfee tells him how it affected him, blah, blah, blah, blah. I don't know. I just don't know how that type of shit.

How it did affect you, yeah. How it's going to affect the seven-year-old walking down the street and saying, I just saw two guys. And this might not happen in their lifetime. Maybe I'm exaggerating. Maybe I'm over whatever. But these are little topics that in my world, I've got to say them. And I'm telling you, even the fucking marijuana,

all this free marijuana shit was not something I was into. This legalizing marijuana, it's not something I was into. I appreciate the money it's making on all this. And I smoked dope with three hands. But I didn't like what it would do to the moral fabric. I didn't like it. Interesting. I didn't like it.

There's a lot of things that are against moral fabric that are against what we believe. Yeah, I went to prison. I fucked up and I paid my debts. And I was against my own moral fabric. Okay, see, you're hitting on a huge topic that I don't talk often about. But the problem is not messing up isn't a problem. We're all human. We're all going to make mistakes.

But at least you know when you make a mistake. Our moral compass in this country is so gone. Gone. People do not know when they're being rude. People do not know when they're being mistakes. People do not care. I see how people park. It has to change.

I went to jujitsu this morning. Selfishness. 22 people fucking parking eight inches, nine feet from the other guy. I think that should be a ticket. I would pay that. I would, I would, I would fucking, I would vote for that to be a ticket. People would just come back. Nobody's getting raised.

That's the problem. You broke down the family. Financial pressures made everybody has to go out and work. Nobody's raising the kids. We praise the almighty dollar. Everybody's materialistic. Everybody's selfish. You don't know your neighbors.

There are no more. But it's going to come back. Vegas is my family's paycheck. And I actually thought how I was going to get out of Sunday. That's what Sundays mean to me. Yes. That's what Sundays mean to me, guys. The whole thing.

I don't want to break my moral fabric. I was raised on Sundays. I have to five o'clock. You didn't do dick. You ate dinner with your family. You watched Mutual of Omaha. Yeah. And you watched entertainment.

Disney. Disney. And you went to better tenant. You prepared for fucking Monday. It's necessary. That's what's necessary. That's what my Sundays mean to me. Yeah.

I could work every Sunday and make an extra 10, 12, 20,000 dollars a year. And that's what my family. But what if me and my wife break up? Right. What if me and Mercy and my wife and I appreciate Sunday dinner? It's big to me. It's necessary. It's big to me.

You need time off. I need to reset. And I count comments all the time. I remember now Rogan don't work Sundays. See if you can fucking give Rogan a Sunday. Yeah. Because he understands. He's a good family.

You get all, you know, people say to me after the show, Joe, you want to smoke? Joe, you want to, I don't want to do dick on Saturday. Once Saturday night's over with, listen, I don't at least tell these dummies. There ain't nothing on my agenda, but getting back. I don't look at the baby's picture all day Thursday and all day Friday. I refuse to look at the baby when her and her and my wife come into my mind. I don't think about it.

I know that what I'm doing is for them. Right. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and it gives me four days a week with them. I go swimming with my girl. It's great. Tomorrow I have a big day. But at three o'clock, I don't give a fuck unless you're paying me. I'm at the YMCA working out because they show up at five to swim.

That's great. So I'll go tomorrow at four to the Y and work out for an hour and a half. By the time they get there, I'll swim with her. My wife says, because we're going to want to date Thursday night. And my wife says, well, I'll come back and cook you. And I go, no, we have a thing that we do on Thursdays and Tuesdays. And that's, we eat in during the week. But after swimming on Tuesdays and Thursdays, once it costs us, we go to the habit,

like a family. I get the salad. She gets the cheeseburger. She gets the baby cheeseburger. Oh, that's so cute. Of course, 24 fucking dollars. And we get the vanilla cone there. Awesome.

Because we give her ice cream. And then Tuesdays, we take out a Jersey Mike's after swimming. She gets the half of, she likes to fill a cheese steak on white with chips or cookie. You guys didn't know that? Oh my God. Where she gets the second cheese? She gets the second cheese and she's not on the carb. She opens it up and eats the bread first and then eats the cheese.

Then the inside of the white bread. Oh, that's so cute. Then we give her a cookie. We give her a bag of chips and we give her milk. So she drinks that. And then we take it to the custer store next door and they get a regizmo. Whatever the flavor is, that's a light yogurt, light custard with Italian ice. And I mix it for her.

There it is? Yeah. Yeah. And we sit there, right there in the full floor, like a family. And we fucking do that. NASA said. And like last week, Lee and I had to do a podcast at 8 on Thursday. And at 7, I go, ladies, I have to take you home now.

And they know they go home, but we spent that time. You know, before I knocked my wife up on Tuesday nights, when places show was date night in my house. Yeah. Because I can't do it Thursday because I'm off Thursday. Right. There's no date. So one night a week, you pick. And we would go to yoga together.

And then we'd go eat somewhere. That's great. Sweaty. We'd go eat somewhere. And we'd be home by 9.30. And then we'd watch, I'd smoke a joint, watch my pussy and watch Sun's Anarchy on DB. Perfect. But I know that, like I told on Nari's podcast, I know how to ruin a marriage.

You want to ruin a marriage? Come see me. You want to ruin other things? Go play sopa with your fucking moron buddies. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Go play golf with your jerk off friends on Saturday and Sunday and spend 200 fucking playing Chase the Ball with your jerk off buddies. Oh, you want to go to Vegas because it's your friend's birthday and you don't get out too

much. Yeah, go to Vegas with your six loser fucking friends. Whatever. Right. These are the things that once you walk down the aisle, it's all over. Yeah. Because every time you do that, it's giving her an opportunity to go, where's his fucking head at? Yeah.

Like he's home next door doing nothing. He's a great guy. He's got classes, got style. My husband's in Vegas with a bunch of jerk offs jumping up and down. You know, when I see guys playing softball on Sunday, talk, I went four for four. What are you going to play softball? Well, you're playing softball, your wife's sucking somebody else's dick. So go play softball, you little faggot fucking friends.

Fucking softball. You're 30 years old. What fucking softball? You're 30 fucking years old. What softball? What softball are you talking about? Start legally. Take a dart and throw it at your fucking dick.

Your wife is either she's sucking or she's going to suck somebody else's dick. She's thinking about it. She's thinking about it because you're out with your fucking idiot friends and she's got to think of a loyalty of where the fuck you stand. Yeah. And once she starts going out with her dumb friends, that's how you blow a fucking marriage. Yeah. Because then they're getting hurt.

Yeah. You don't want to get no fucking doubts in the marriage. I did all these things. Now, how do you keep it together? It's a Sunday dinner. It's those little things. Last Thursday, her and I, we fucking... Listen, I hate going to the movies in the daytime.

Yeah. But I had to go. That two hours saves a marriage. Yeah. Fuck your dumb friends in a barbeque in a fucking football. I don't give a fuck about none of that shit. I never did. Family time.

When it comes to your wife, you have to give them the attention they deserve. Or it's going to go down the tubes. Yeah. They don't want to hear about it. Me and Lee went to... Ha, ha, ha, ha. Or your stupid fucking softball shirt on. Yeah.

You're a grown fucking man. You want to play softball? You should have played softball and done the fucking thing when you were 14. When your father told you to go play catch. Now you want to be a fucking all-star baseball. Oh, yeah, I'm on the semi. What the fuck, what are you talking about? What the fuck are you talking about?

Yeah. I want to be around. Look, Tony Bennett sued this motherfucker. It's Monday, cocksuckers. June 8th, we're dropplin' here. Steve Simone, the house lead. Pick it up a little bit. You're fucking slipping tonight.

You know what I'm saying? You're slipping. Fuckin' guy. Eat a taffy and a mushroom. And look at him. He's falling apart on me. Wait for another star. No.

A cap. No. Crazy. Take your fucking Jewish fingers off that fucking thing, all right? The little fucking Pontius Pilots fingers. Cocksuckers. The one thing which is in the system, God damn it. Put on the beginning of the next song of,

I left my heart in San Francisco. I love the beginning of that song. It's fucking beautiful, man. The loveliness of Paris. Are you fucking kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me, you motherfuckers? That's why this guy's still rockin'. I bet a lady Gaga looks at him and says,

Drop this knowledge that you have. Oh, sure. You were dropping songs in 55. That's when this came out. I left my heart in San Francisco. What was the release on that? I just got to play hold on one second. Where's the volume here?

What is this, for deaf people? Jokes. Paris seems somehow sadly gay. The glory that was Rome is of another day. I've been terribly alone and forgotten in Manhattan. I'm going home to my city by the bay. Right here. He just lights me up right here, dog, every time.

I left my heart in San Francisco. High on a hill. It calls to me. Fucking beautiful. Fucking beautiful. I love all that shit. That's real fucking brilliant. Some guy fucking lip syncing.

Opening up his soul. There's a vulnerability to that era of music that people are afraid to express anymore. And that's why it's all garbage. You've got to open it up. You've got to open up your soul. This morning I almost had a nervous breakdown, guys. I put on tea for one.

What's that? Ah, okay. Just put it on. I was right. Then I remembered I had to change the glasses for the spirits. On Mondays, I always put glasses out for you. My mom, my dad, my godmother. I say prayers for everybody.

The dead break. Anthony Balzan. All of them. And I took a shower. I came out of the shower. I could hear the beginnings of a stairway that happened. And guys, I had to hold myself out. I was like, I had to sit in my life.

I was like, what's the matter? I may believe I was spraying my nose because I was just overwhelmed. The beginning of that fucking jam and I was thinking of Anthony. When we buried Anthony, that was the big fucking song. Oh my god. I just got, I was like, god damn this motherfucker's going to send me a message today. And he did. He got me an audition.

Wow. Amazing. Fuck yeah. Isn't it amazing how well connected everything is? It's beautiful. The fucker got me a fucking audition. That little spirit of fucking pepper nose. Let me read out some goddamn shout outs here.

My main man, Matthew Oliveris, whatever your name is. Oliveris. He had Jason Skinner, Sarah Hunt, your dirty bitch, Derek. Daniel, happy birthday on your 18th birthday, you little fucking crazy fuck. Joe Kenyon holding it down in New Jersey, cocaine, tamales, you bad motherfucking. Jonathan Sirloin, McLord Steen over there on Facebook. And my man, Rob J244, sent me the best fucking picture of the day. He's a little white kid.

He sent me a picture of something with some shitty donuts, shitty. Dunkin Donuts now offers chips, ahoy, and Oreo flavored iced coffee. Ice coffee. And he's like these fucking Gentiles. You gotta see this kid I love. It was a picture of the day. So where is this Dunkin Donuts? They opened in the valley, guys.

They didn't open one of the valley today. Yes, they did. Uh-oh. I'm behind. Where? Doesn't matter because Yum Yum. Those Mexicans at Yum Yum. Shit.

Those motherfucking Dunkin Donuts people. They'll wrap those little immigrants out and shit. There'll be no more Yum Yum Donuts. There'll be a white guy named Jim making donuts. Hello. That tastes like fucking asshole. Those Mexicans, they throw everything in them donuts. Chili Verde is over at Yum Yum.

Me and Lee and his wife went to fucking Yum Yum. Willie. Encino. Oh, shit. Oh, yes. Lee, you're a fucking mutt. I'm telling you. I go out of town and you're supposed to stay on top of this,

but you're home taking care of Paula. The first day grand opening was donut day. I was out of town and Lee, you were fucking dicking around. You should have been up there online. Paul, he went. The guy that was a guest on the podcast. Yeah. A bunch of people were up there getting free fucking donuts.

I can't wait. Yeah. So we might have to make a run to donut and Italian sandwiches. There's some sausage sandwiches and fucking donuts. I'm far from the fucking thing. Figure it out, Lee. God damn it. Now you're pissing me off.

Domingos is at Ventura and White Oak. Hold on. You're supposed to know this shit, Lee. I can't look for donuts anymore. I take my Google alert for donuts off. You did? No, but I just can't. I can't go to donuts anymore.

I just remember that they put a Dunkin' Donuts and Lee didn't say shit to me because he's fucking slipping. I'm telling you. I've been telling you people for weeks. He's slipping. You don't believe me. Not about the podcast. He's slipping in life.

All right. So wait. This is at Ventura. He's really figuring it out. That's why I love this podcast. So where is it? It's like a mile away. What is it called, Domingos?

Yeah. Which is just due of Ventura and White Oak. Oh, shit. It's right around the corner, I think. Yeah. The only fucking good donut, Dunkin' Donuts, that's still going to eat is the apple and spice. Yum, yum.

It's too fucking strong. Oh, dude. It's so close. Yum, yum. What's gross? No, I said it's so close. It's a .9. We're going to do a killing.

Let's go to Domingos, get a sausage, then take the car up, get a little coffee. That black Brazilian, they got the dark Brazilian. Oh, so good. That is worse than meth. That's a Georgie's drinks with like three fucking packs of fucking Marlboro Reds and shit. The loneliness of Paris. I can't, but this is the best news ever.

Yeah. Nobody fucking knew. It was the Grand Women's National Donut Day. Two days ago, I was in Chicago. I didn't eat no donut. I didn't eat nothing. No, yum, yum. That's a fucked up day.

We went to Melee. Oh my God, that's so fun. And this wife got fucked up one night at the ice house. And then she's in the back. I'm doing 90. They couldn't figure out what my rush was. And I hit the left on Magnolia. And they're like, why are you taking it?

I didn't even miss the turn. They didn't even fucking know. And I pulled into yum, yum. She's like, oh, both of them went. Like I was taking them to a horror movie. And it's like dark and there's lights in there. When you walk into yum, yum donuts, are you a little high? Tell me it doesn't seem like the fucking Twilight Zone.

Because there's a thousand lights. There's a cult there. It's terrifying. Who was? We were. Oh, we were. We got to start an open mic at yum, yum. It was on Monday nights at 10 after we get out of here.

What do you think, Lee? The church opened mic. Just don't even tell yum, yum donuts. Because you can't, you don't need a microphone. You don't need no fucking microphone. What are you going to do to start talking? Yeah, just get in the corner and pull some tables together and say, we're doing a comedy show.

I love donuts. If you guys bought like a couple dozen donuts, they'd probably let you. Listen, they wouldn't give a Frenchman's fuck, even if he bought a dozen. You ever go in and buy a dozen? They always give you like 19. Free.

Those Mexicans don't fuck around. They're the nicest. Yum, yum donuts. Guys, if you live in the valley, what is it? Magnolia and Colfax. Yeah. Oh my. They're everywhere.

Across my foot. No, no. As good as that one. That's a good one. Oh, yeah. High school. Go to that Oxnard one. It's by the high school.

Go to the Oxnard one. That Oxnard one was kind of bad. You had it too? That one right there by the high school. They don't fuck around. And the place next to it ain't bad either, guys. That little cheese steak place. The burger place.

That fucking place ain't bad there. I always wanted to try that place. Me and my wife used to walk around the neighborhood. We moved in. We walked in there one day. We got the burger. It wasn't bad. And they have a special, like $5.99.

I don't know. Sometimes when I get high, I like go on Yelp, and I search like cheese burgers and stuff. So I just start on Yelp one night. And what they say about it? They say that's decent. Yeah, it's not bad, but it's a high school one. Unless the kids get malaria and everybody pukes and shit.

Look at Lee's fucked up. He's so adorable. You want another star? No. Some other people have to do that. What's that? Going Yelp on their high. Just like looking good food.

Look for food. Just look for Yelp. Hell yeah, when you're on a diet. That's what you do in the morning's cock sucking. You should be out getting sun, you fucked. You're like a vampire Jew. There's no Jews to the vampires. You're the only fucking one.

Oh. Look at you. Speaking of food. You know, there's a Grimaldi's down in by the airport. I heard something like that. And I had heard that rumor and I was like, is that right? Because I always get Grimaldi's confused with the other one from Chicago. So I just thought they were wrong.

What's the one you went to with Paul with the peppers and the fucking? Pertillos. Pertillos. So I just thought that they were saying the wrong word to me. No, there's a Pertillos in orange and there's a Grimaldi's down in like Hermosa Beach or some redondo torrents somewhere down there. South Bay. I had never had like the Italian beef sandwich before.

How fucking was it? I told you. Oh, it just melts. And if you get the Italian beef with the sausage in the middle and dip that too. You put sausage in the sandwich? That's how they do it. Half and half. Oh, that's a fucking heart attack.

Yeah. So when you put that in my fort, what's the name of it? My fitness tracker. The fat content. Fuck you. I remember. One of my favorite Uncle Joey quotes is you looked at me and you're go, if we're going to get fat, we're going to get fat off the good stuff.

And I think about that all the time. I've been telling him for 20 years. He don't want to believe him. He wants to go shit food and then get pissed off. And I tell him, it's not worth putting your body. Right. I'll eat something healthy. Exercise and garbage.

Right. Like I stopped eating Chinese. I had a stop. It was an insult to my fucking moral fiber. Yeah. It was a fucking insult. Every time I walked in there, the egg rose shot. They don't know how to do it.

No. And then nice people. All the green apple. They're the nicest people in the world. The filet mignon, the Chinese style filet mignon is to die for. But I had to stop fucking going in there. I've lost 23 pounds because I stopped eating garbage anymore. Yeah.

I had to stop. I had to fucking stop eating all those. You know, it's just that to go food is terrible. It'll fucking kill you. Yeah. And you know, in this city, I think it's not good. So if it doesn't taste good on top of it, I'm like, forget it. Oh my God.

Denver, I went to this place called Sam's. Did you have the chili reinos? Tell Lee about this. Oh my God. That's the first mother fuck I call because it said divers drives. Divers drive-ins and knives. And it's right across from the hotel. And I went, I ate every meal there.

Lee, I was here for two weeks. I was there for three days and I ate meals in three days. Oh, I got up at five the one morning just to cast a breakfast before radio. Lee, you open up with a couple of green chili because that's why I did a couple of green chili with one tortilla. They're like a thousand fucking grams of carbohydrate tortillas. Oh, don't tell me that. Yeah, I didn't know.

I would take three of them and dip them in there and I went into my room, put it in fucking whatever. Oh, what have I done? I'm over the fucking carb limit. So for dinner, I was going, I was getting the six ounce sirloin and I would eat half a baked potato and the mixed vegetables. And I would eat the bun, the fucking butter in the bun. Delicious.

I ate a six ounce sirloin all fucking three nights at Sam's. That's good. I had breakfast all three mornings at Sam's with the cup of green chili. I would eat the potatoes. I only eat one piece of wheat bread with the two eggs. That's beautiful. The bacon was fucking delicious. I would eat, what do we spend for food?

Tell me breakfast. You ready? The number four. That's what that is. Two eggs, home fries, two pieces of toast and coffee. Number four. It's four hours and 49 cents. You know what my breakfast was every day except Saturday?

It was 13 bucks. It was 980 every day. And that was for a cup of green chili, two eggs, four strips of fucking country bacon, a pile of potatoes, great wheat bread when they fucking put the wet butter on it. And it soaks into your bread. So by the time you get the fucking milk that stays on that bread, are you fucking kidding me? I was going to that for dinner and people were still having breakfast.

Tell me about the motherfucking smothered burrito, what it looks like. I kept dreaming about getting the ground beef. He called me and said, I'm scared to get it. Dog, I can't. I work hard. Dog, I'm trying. I'm trying to get under 300. And then we could gamble.

But for right now, I can't. It's tough. Every pound, you work for every mile at 50. I work for every fucking. Like football, the longest yard, you work for every fucking yard. I'm working for every fucking yard. So I don't have to. I mean, there's times I had a milkshake with Lee.

We split a cheesecake. I gained four fucking pounds in Vegas. Yeah. I just got off the road. I was eating garbage and I had a pair of jeans and I want to sign off a bitch. They just didn't fit right last night. I look like sausage. I get fat when I eat water.

When I drink water now, I gain a fucking pound. So it's just, it's just, you got to watch, you know, for me, for you guys were trying to do that, that fucking burrito there. It's just phenomenal looking. The green chili, the cup was 258 calories, not too many carbs. That's so healthy for you. It's all protein and fiber and all delicious stuff. Your fucking sinuses.

The green chili there. I'm more of like out here in California. I do the red red sauce. In Denver, the green is amazing. No, it's not like the different. It's a different thing. New Mexico, Colorado. And I think Tucson cooked that same.

Then you get to Texas and it's called Tex-Mex. Oh, it's so good. So there's three or four different styles of Mexican cooking and shit like that. So good. This is a great podcast today. I enjoyed the topics we spoke about. So happy to be here. Just you being here on a Monday night is always great.

I was trying to get you like three weeks ago. I had somebody scheduled for this afternoon. I really liked the guy. But my Monday nights have to be a comic. To really get, I want them to have a fucking morning to go, wow, that was a great podcast. Lee was high. On Thursday we'll do a thing about Sistema. He's a great guy.

We're going to have the guy that just, he's this kid in front of mine, Eric Medina. He used to date a friend of mine, Bonnie, and he opened up a, you going to jiu-jitsu tomorrow night? If I can with this thing, I guess. Yeah, you're going. Forget about the eye. Don't even blame the eye. We'll put a patch on you. Make sure you go.

He went to jiu-jitsu. That's great. I'm very proud of him. He has no idea because I tried to explain to him. I go, Lee, you hang out with me and Steve Simone. You hang out, you hang out with two 40, 50 year old guys. Yeah. And then now he gets to the Agostina once a month.

Yeah. I go, beside that, you're sitting in the house with fucking Paula. I go, go hang out with some 25 year olds. Yeah, it's true. Get off that fucking treadmill, that treadmill that gives you that eye infection all the fucking time because you're touching it. Then you go home and don't wash your fucking little jiu-fingers and you give yourself the own punches pilot eye.

That's what that is, a punches pilot. Lee, it's gotten bigger since you've been here. So you got to go call Paula and tell her you're coming over to put the pepper on your fucking eye. He went two weeks ago when the first happened. And it was going, I put the medicine into your eye. The medicine never fucking did do God's for you. And his mother-in-law said, I'll put a pepper in your eye, the Mexican stuff, the remedies,

and he wouldn't do it. He was scared of the pepper. And it worked. That shit works. No, it doesn't. He didn't do it. He didn't do it. I got mad at him.

I go, that's your mother-in-law. She's not going to do it so quickly. You're one in doubt. Listen to an older woman. She loves you. She's not going to burn your eye. She loves you. Call Paula.

Tell her you're headed over there tonight. You'll watch by bringing, tell her you're going to stop and get yum-yum donuts for them. I told her I was going to do it tomorrow. And you're going to get platonitos. You can't do it tomorrow. You got to do it tonight, Lee. Tomorrow you're going to wake up with, you know, you're going to-

It's going to be shut. You're going to look like Rocky. Yeah, something. You're doing something with your eye. You're looking good, you know? Jiu-jitsu is good for you. Even if you don't like it, something differently. You got to go mingle with kids your fucking age.

You're going to be the oldest fucking 26-year-old ever. You want to be the oldest 26-year-old? You shouldn't have got it. That's why I give you the mushrooms and shit to loosen you up. If not, he'd be all wired, sopranoed up, shooting people, calling niggas. What the fuck, you know what I'm saying? That's why I love this fucking kid and I love him with all my heart. But look at him.

We're going to go to Boston, but the plane tickets are 7 fucking 50 base fucking plane tickets. They're fucking America. The airlines. They're fucking America. This is what I don't understand no more. What do you got going on? Talk to me.

What's the next move? You did the great CD. You're doing the stuff for Gabriel. Like I told you, you're pointing in the right direction. I know that you get frustrated. You get frustrated every 90 days. You want to go home and work in your brother's dental clinic and make fucking braces for 13-year-olds and shit.

But you're invested now. You can't go nowhere. It's only going to get better. That's what these young comics. You told me get the CD. You helped me a lot because I used to be a prisoner of perfection. I call it. If it wasn't perfect, I was, because it was fear.

It's a form of fear. It's fear. And you go, if it's not perfect, I don't want to do anything. I'm not going to jiu-jitsu until I get in shape. That's what jiu-jitsu is. Go to jiu-jitsu. You get in shape. Nobody's going to laugh at you.

Right. You're going to do great. It's like anything else. Everybody's always preparing for the thing. Right. Just go out and live. So then I put in, as soon as the CD came out, now I'm looking, I'm going, wait. I'm making a living.

I don't know how it's coming in. It's never, and it's taught me how to live. I don't live in the future anymore. But I go, you know what? The phone rings. I get a gig and it works out. So that's it. I've been busy, been around the world twice.

You don't need to question nothing. All you need to do is get up every Monday and keep doing what you're doing. I got this the other day and I really wanted to talk to people about this. And it sounds kind of stupid and gay, but let's just discuss this real quick. I got this off of Google and it was 16 things that people do on a Monday. Successful things that people do on a Monday. Interesting. I've been doing 11 of them.

Just naturally. Me and Lee have always discussed this. That's great. Get up early. That's why I don't want to fucking fly. There's no comedy club that's worth for me to fly Monday. You have to be ready to go. Not.

And that's why I told Lee again. Lee and I got into it about a year ago. I go, Lee, you have to be at work Monday. Got to fly back Saturday. Yeah. Yeah, but I don't give a fuck. You got to fly back Saturday. That's it.

Get rid of your guest. One day to bounce back. You cannot get in an 11 and do a job at eight in the fucking morning. You cannot. It's a fucking shitty job. It's anybody. It's not just anybody. You got to get up early.

I don't give a fuck what they tell you. You get back and you have to take a vacation from the fucking vacation. Absolutely. All right. Exercise on a Monday. This is the one I have a healthy breakfast. That Monday, that starts your week. Work.

You got to be there at eight. I don't have to be there till eight. There's going to be traffic. Then get there. Arrive early. Whatever you got to do, make it a point. Monday. Just Monday.

Yeah. I don't give a fuck what you do Tuesday. Greet the team. Good morning. Everybody you talk to. When you wake up in the morning, if you don't say I love you in the morning, first fucking thing, it ain't going to work out for you, man. That's true.

Remember that book? The warrior? Remember years ago? That was a big thing. People getting involved with some book, the creative, unleash your creative. Oh, the warrior spirit thing. Yeah. I remember that.

The big thing about them is they tell you when you wake up in the morning, it's to write. Just get up. You don't have to be a comic or fucking anybody because when you get up, what's the first thing you do? Go to the bathroom. How bad does it smell to pee? Pretty bad. Okay.

You don't have your first cup of coffee. What happens in bowl of cereal? Take shit. Okay. So if you, if you, everything has waste, what about your mind? What about the shit you saw the day before that you dreamt about now it's in your mind that you might wake up a little fucked up over. So you know what, if you usually get up at 730 because you got to be a working eight,

you're a fucking loser. Get up at 645, get that cup of coffee, that seven, you sit down and relax and write out what you woke up with. Right. Every morning. Why do I always wake up with a song in my head every morning? That's a song, song track. That's a song track of my fucking day.

That's great. I'll show you the notebook. What I write, my penmanship's off. Yeah. My words are off. My spelling is off. This, you know, I go from talking about comedy to talking about leaves. You're just looping the tubes out the tubes, two pages.

Don't get up. Don't fucking get up. I'm buying a notebook on my way home tonight. Don't get up. Just look at that thing. It's like getting home. It's like drinking and trying to write jokes and you wake up the next morning and look at them.

It's reverse. Yeah. It's your mind's waste in the morning. Just sit there. That's 15 minutes that you're going to be so much fucking better person. Your work, you're going to be fit. You ever write a lot and have to go on stays that night, like when you write your script. You're not writing comedy.

You're writing your script. Yes. Go on stage and see what happens to you that night. You will bring down the fucking because you're still writing. It doesn't have to be comedy. You do better when you don't write comedy and get on stage, but you write something. You write a chapter in your book. You write your bio.

Yeah. Whatever the fuck you write, it's going to, everything. You know, I remember going to karate once a week. I was 400 pounds. I was snorting below and I saw on the jeer and I told him. I looked him in the face and I said, I'm really sorry, but I'm not going to class. He goes, I go home with my traveling. I made a bunch of excuses.

He goes, if you go once a week, it's going to help you. Once a week. You know, if you go once, you're going to go twice. You're eventually going to go twice. Better habits. Better decisions. What I tell Lee about you just like, Lee, you're only going to go on Tuesdays. You're only going to go on Tuesdays until one day you go, you know what, man?

I'm sick and tired of not figuring this out. I'm going to go to day class today. And that's when you just, no, he ain't going nowhere now. Look, when he's sitting there like a dunce, he's sitting there like one of Jerry's kids staring out into fucking space, thinking when they're going to let him out of this cage. What do you give me for the pocket? Give me your fucking Jamoke.

You look at, I love you. I'd be $1,911 on you. Where we going for donuts tonight? Sure. You go for a couple of fucking, uh, uh, yummy. I'm sorry. Always. All right.

So where are you at the next couple of weeks? Let's talk. I'm in town. I'm finally in town. And where are you at this summer? Where? What class are you going to? June 30th.

I'm doing a podcast show down at NerdMelt on Sunset. Hopefully the special guest will be Roddy Piper. Okay. So there's a sponsor that's going to do a pizza party. They're like, let's throw a little kid birthday party for grownups. Good times. So I was like, you know what? It's going to be a party.

I'm going to have the party started. Taren Carter, open up the show. I'll go out, do like five minutes. Thank everybody for being there. What day is this? Tuesday, June 30th. If you're into, oh, that'll be the best free pizza and we'll definitely be there. Oh, it's going to be great.

And then so that's, I'm really looking forward to that. And then, uh, I'm going to do a whole comedy store the 10th on the 11th. And then depending on the plane tickets, I'll probably be at Killium and Philly the week after that with Steve Byrne and then Toronto in August. And that's my summer. I have a hundred pages of a family friendly feature comedy that I got willing next three weeks. I'll have the time to look it over and get it good and send it out and see what happens.

From your eyes, from your eyes, close your eyes for five minutes. I want you to think about when we were on the road with, uh, what's his name? What year was that? 2002, maybe 2003. I'll broke you and I were, the shape I was in, I remember you and Dice trying to get me to the gym. I was about to die. I was pale.

Yeah. You know, um, that's a long time ago, Simone. So I think that first time would have been 2001. That was a long time ago, Simone. Me, you, Bobby Lee, Jim, that was a long time ago. That was even a little before opening Anthony. He was just, he wasn't on. Yeah.

He wasn't on opening Anthony. Yeah. No. If you close your eyes and you think about that, this journey is that much better. Just the fact that we're still fucking goombas, but that to me, that's everything. Just the fact that we're still in this fucking game, whether we're broke, poor, depressed, we're still here. Yes.

How many people have gotten up and left already left said, you know, yeah, oh, it's for fags. You got to be gay to be in that way. Fuck you, motherfucker. You didn't do the work. Now you're blaming it on whatever. You didn't do the work. I think a raging bull. You never had me down, Ray.

You never had me down. Just keep on getting punched and punched. And now I got to be honest with you. I believe now. I already feel like I made it because of my, like because of my friends. It's like, this is it. Every day's a gift. I'm paying my bills.

What else do I want? I'm happy. I'm the happiest person I know. It's all blessing. Thank you for keeping us as a family. Thank you for, I look at that picture and it's like, it's a great picture of us three with fucking family. It's the best.

And we got Ari Shafi and we got Renazizi. Renazizi's moving out this summer. I can't wait for that. Then before you know it, Ari will be back out. Oh, so he's moving back? Yeah. He's moving to Pasadena. It's going to be great.

He hasn't sold the house yet. No. No, we straightened that out. So you're going to live there like a doctor. God bless you. You're saying you all depressed when I remember? You know what? That was the final piece where, not to get relit, but I'm starting to finally learn

how to trust. And like when you were talking about being on the set of the longest yard and something about, you just almost didn't feel worthy to be there. I lived my life like that for too long where blessings, blessings would come into my life and I didn't feel. You judge. You judge. So I told God, no.

Yeah. I said, no, I deserve to be in hell. And now I'm going, wait a second. I don't deserve. I deserve. I don't want to be in hell anymore. Right. So now I just go, all right, I can't, I can't control anything really.

I wake up every day. I work hard and I do all I can do, but I leave the results to God and trust it's all going to work out. And you know what? It always does. It always does. It always does. On the plane back from Colorado going, if you had any idea what was in my mind when

I left town, when I was driving out from Boulder to Longmont to catch whatever road I had to catch to 70 West, I don't even remember anymore. You guys have no idea what I was thinking. I mean, I had just paid for gas with an extra driver's license I had. Wow. I found out that if you fill up your tank, you don't have the money. They'll say, yeah, just give me your license and come back. I had two licenses.

I found them as I was leaving. I said, this is a free fill up. This is 800 miles on somebody. That's how I left both. Give these people a license and leaving a $30, whatever it was that she filled up a tank then I don't fucking know. And just how I felt, how bad I felt about myself, how angry I was at my ex-wife and the daughter, and through all that, like through all that junk, I still had enough

belief to get in the Datsun B210 and drive to Ogden, Utah and say, I'm never coming back. You have to Ogden. I had like Ogden, I forget what run that was. I forget where even you end up. It doesn't matter, you know. But that Tuesday I drove to Ogden, Utah and the first night I had to share a room with the comic.

I still remember one of the comic's jokes. That first night he was a good guy from New York and he said this joke that, oh my god, I can't remember the fucking clothes, but he used to kill. He was horrible. But he had this joke about you want to get a woman hot, wipe your dick in the curtain or something. It's a street joke, it's an old street joke. How do you make such and such women stream twice?

You're a fucker and they ask them, wipe your dick on the curtain. That fucking, yeah, it was a street joke, he used to say, I thought it was funny. I remember the first time I heard that, I was dying, dying. I have two jokes, but I died off the bat. When I told Lee, Jesus, a bishop and a fucking, some Jew sitting on a park bench and Jesus walking in Central Park and the cardinal says, Jesus, come over, I got cancer, heal me and you're healed and the little cardinal, what can I do for you, the priest, what can I do for you?

I have foot cancer, heal me, he looks at the rabbi, what can I do for you, don't touch him on disability. That to me is one of the best jokes I ever heard. And the one with the fucking Jesus on the mountain with the two thieves and Peter, Peter and Peter gets beat up and he runs up and they throw him back down and Peter, Peter runs up to Nazareth and they beat him up and they throw him down the hill and he's just about to punch the ticket for Jesus and he looks up and he goes, Peter, and this time we, yes, my Lord, Peter runs up, throws this guy out of way, punches a Roman soldier, gets

stabbed in the back. As he gets to Jesus, he goes, yes, my Lord, he goes, I can see your house from here. First time I heard that fucking joke, I thought, Jesus, right, that's a fucking great joke. We'll wrap it up with that. Steve Simone, I love you, cock sucker. I'm home this weekend, but next weekend I'm in Wise Guys, Utah. And the week after that, I'm in fucking Laugh, Boston bitches, both places have tickets available for you.

I want to give a shout out to my sponsors on it, you know, I'm blue in the fucking face with this shit already. Today, I went to Jiu-Jitsu, I dropped two of those fucking shroom texts. I was sweating profusely. I went to Jiu-Jitsu at a quarter to 10 and I walked out at 1130. My underwear were fucking, I had to take my underwear off. I knew my me undies to sweat from my back and the fucking ghee. It was brutalized.

That's fantastic. But you know what, man? I did a good classic until I was just me and him. We rolled like three, five minute sets, so that's way beyond I've ever done. And I credit the shroom tag. That's how good this product is. Even when he gonna ask me last week, he goes, your cardio has improved. Yeah, the 20 pounds has helped to take it off me.

But you know what, I've been going to the treadmill, but all that shit I do because of the recovery progress that Anna gives me, whether it's the new mood, the shroom tag, the alpha brain, this shit will work. This shit. Do they still make that hemp protein you gave me? Yes. That stuff was delicious. Delicious.

The chocolate. Delicious. And I'm telling you, I felt stronger. I felt like more. The fucking chocolate. It's not the, it's not the, it's not whey protein. It's plant protein. Yeah, it doesn't make you feel like.

Right. You digested the shit a lot more. Yes. It's weird. When I don't do the protein. For a few days, the whey protein. It clogs me up. It's clogged up in there, but the organ that, the hemp horse.

Delicious. Delicious. I think I might have one in the house. Follow me home. That would be great. I may have one in the house. So do me a favor. You heard it here from the fucking horses.

Now on it, go to audit.com right now and press in church and get 10% off your first fucking order. Okay. You're going to love this stuff. There's 100% money back guarantee on the alpha brain. You don't even have to return the product. What does that tell you? When somebody believes in their flagship that much, you can't fuck around with them.

Go to audit.com right now. They also have to stay on a program where it gets mailed to your house on the first every month. You don't have to worry about nothing. Also who's on today? I'm too fucking high. Oh shit. Hit easy.

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I love you too. I'm as fucked up as a can of worms. That's why I love this business. I'm driving everybody home. We'll be back Thursday at some fucking time. I don't know when we might be here Wednesday. Keep your fucking Twitter open. Don't forget to mom one in the morning.

Join with Uncle Joey 7 7 30 around there. I love you. Thank you, Steve Simone. You bad motherfucker. You're a talent and a half. What's the story, Lee? Why are you staring at me down? Close it up.

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