Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #291 - Darren Carter

Episode Date: June 16, 2015

Darren Carter, Comedian seen on The Tonight Show and Comedy Central, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. Iron Dragon TV. A New Roku channel with all the best martial arts films. Use Code word joey for two free rentals. HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for five Hit E Cig's for $50 Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by using code word joeydiaz. They are also produce some of the best edibles on the market, Los Gummies Hermanos Recorded live on 06/15/15 Music:  Going The Distance - Cak  Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet She Talks To Angels - The Black Crowes

This show is brought to you by onit.com Jesus Christ go to onit.com use co-word church Plenty drums use co-word church to get 10% off of all your great optimization products like Alphabrain New mood shroom tech immune shroom tech Shroom tech sport anything like that it's co-word church to get 10% off Shows also brought to you by nailed it live comm also makers of those gumis Hermanos the best One of the best edibles on the market. They have their shape like men. They're gonna. They're gonna send you into orbit Go to nailed it live comm for the premier vapor pen for all the oil and wax smokers use co-word Joey Diaz to get 20% off and

Go to hit e-cigs comm that's hit letter e-cigs comm better tasting longer lasting the proof is in the e-cig The proof is in the vape. Sorry When you go to hit e-cigs comm they're having a pick-five campaign you get five e-cigs or e-cigars for $50. Oh Shit at the starting line Monday engines pumping June 15 time What happened ways there cops like this go up churning and the church they yearn for the ego what? We ain't fucking around tonight cops at this and while they call the stars. It's got the back At least I had his back the flags go down the fans be see Derrick Carter's in the house Driving and striving as fast as they can the sun has gone down and the moon has come up

It's all about going the distance cocksuckers. We're here Monday night June 15 welcoming you to the church of what's happening now least I had What's the story watching orange is the new black you got pissed off at me about that for some reason You don't like orange is the new black. No, no, no, I don't mind the new black. This is what I mind that You're a type of guy that you're a hustler, you know, you're on the podcast a couple months ago and you needed some gheitas And I don't understand how you could sit there and watch nine episodes of the tv show on a Friday That's true. It's paul's day off that don't mean it's your motherfucking day off You know and uh, I just don't see it. You want to watch two episodes or move on with your life?

And you giggle like, you know Like a half a bag, but you're the guy that was on the podcast, you know That's true a grand light for taxes and I wouldn't fucking have time to sit there if I knew I owed that kind of money I'm not making at least a guaranteed nickel A nickel at least something, you know, there's listen when I tell those stories I did what I had to do when I moved in with terry. I never want to let it down So I did what I had to do So that's why you had the story about me selling coke to Whitney. I'm the type of motherfucker

You got to do what you got to do every day to bust it down. I understand it's paul's day is off I got nothing to do with you You got to tell it listen, I'll pick you up at five. I got motherfucking work to do you always got something to do when you're Unindependent contractor. That's true. No, that's and you're right. This is what I was saying to you that day I love you to death, but you can't come up here and say you need geeters and then sit there all day and fang your pussy The weekend before she was sick. You're sick. You ain't no r.n Home if you ain't sucking dick, I don't want you around home right or wrong. That's the truth. What we're gonna talk about You're sick

You got work to do you're a young you're 25, you're not 52 This is why I said to you to go hang out with those young guys at jujitsu Because of the same mindset, you don't have time to sit around on a fucking friday when you're 26 years old She does get her some roller skates and tell her roller skates german oaks and come back at four and get some sun You know, this is me. This is this is america today that everybody wants but You got time to watch nine fucking let's say it was 45 minutes apiece How much money could you have made in seven hours? No, I'm not not not no And the thing is you're you're absolutely right, you know, I'm saying and I have I have been getting like today

I had to write a uh like a description for something i'm trying to do and it's just It's I was thinking about that as I was doing it because I always got to remember one thing Women want you to take them out women want pretty things But you're in a choir you're in a you're in a fucking whatever because some women want this Yeah, but then they don't want you to go to work Like sit here when I ain't got time to fucking sit there with you You know, I love smoking dope, but since day one I always said to myself I'll smoke dope, but I can't sit here

Because there's always something you could be doing always Sunday, you know, and I always tell people the tv is after you make your yardstick After you get your paper or you send your 50 emails or you write that bit Whatever the fuck it is that you do there's always something that could be done clean the bathroom Something there's always something to whenever I'm watching tv 30 minutes in I'm like there's something I could be doing right, but that must Not that it hurts you, but it must fuck with you a little bit always since I was 20 I don't understand how nintendo

I've never sat down for nintendo because every time I sit down for nintendo like this There's somebody right now my mind that's walking with $50 in that pocket that's behind to give it to you They're just looking for an idiot to swam it out of their pocket right every day Every day my work begins on sunday night at five o'clock every week every week I go home And and you know you talk to somebody you go well you live a boring life joey. No I live a life that we're chasing in this comics. How many times comics come up to you darin carter? Well, you go on the road. You're lucky. No, I'm not fucking lucky. I'm not fucking lucky I did the fucking steps and I applied myself and these are the fruits of my labor

Exactly. These are the fruits of my labor. Everybody in this country is unemployed. You know what? Well, I saw an ad the other day $15,000 the summer for uber, which you know, you're taking money out of cab drive But it's always something to do When you're young when I was 26, I didn't understand the concept of I didn't even watch I didn't even know I remember watching the world series in 87 going. Oh my god This is the first the year I got arrested right before that when the world series Like I got arrested that in October. Yeah, I was saying to myself This is the first time I've watched baseball

Because to me it was a discipline. Yeah, it's more of a discipline Before it's like when your mom when you got sick. Yeah, you didn't go to play Nobody goes to play nobody goes to play when you're sick. You're sick. You stay home mind your own fucking business I'll do what I got to do and then I'll pick you up. Let me bring your chicken soup That's the discipline. You understand, you know when you get here everybody wants to go to hollywood parties And then they come to you and say their career isn't happening. Well, you're at hollywood parties I'm at the comedy store waiting for a spot getting bumped for four hours from Eddie Griffin You understand me. That's the other side of the coin that these people don't see we were talking about a story

That you went to a hotel and yeah, you checked in and you had to go to the 18th fucking floor This is work People think that we just get on a plane. Ha ha and I eat edibles No, my work week starts fucking so last night I got up at three in the morning And I turned the tv on and it was like some shit on la I remember going in my wife's like every time you wake up you walk in and out Yeah, because I like my glasses my notebook and you go out there and you make a fucking couple notes She'll come out in the middle of nothing go. Are you fucking serious? Yeah

It's quiet. This is the only time I got to write this shit out That's right. So this is when Darren's always out. I always see him like Every fucking night every fucking night comedy story Dean Delray. Yeah, I applaud them. Who's the fucking old guy? Frasier smith. Yes Frasier suit 50 years old. You think my wine the answer could go out seven nights a week Is that what you think? I can't handle it no more. I can't can't can't sleep right because I got up at six So four or five nights in a row. I'm walking around like a fucking zombie. I'm no good to anybody But I want you to know I love you. No, no, and it's it's you're completely right It's just uh, but when I was thinking when I said that it's do you think

That you not relaxing sometimes hurts you like do you think you could like it would be relaxed when you're in that fucking Whole man Everybody has a goal, but everybody got time to go on vacation. You know in 2000 down until 2006 I was the guy that got the calls every week. Oh, you're lucky. You were inspired a man too. One man. What were you in january? I went over the holiday. Okay. Yeah, january 4th. I know I have friends that want to be comedians And then and then I'm like do would they come with me on saturday? You'll do a guest set. Oh, I got to go to a birthday party Are you fucking are you fucking kidding me? This is so I don't I think the first one of the biggest arguments

I ever got into about this and god bless the soul. I love the dealer was Marilyn Because they would call me and why They don't have this they don't have this they don't have this and then they say how lucky you are and I go Where were you sunday night when I stay at home? I'm not gonna go to the commie store. They won't put me up on Where were you monday night? I was at j davis's bombing and at the lab factory bombing. Where were you? Wow, my foot hurt. Uh, where were you tuesday? It's all about and when you're an independent contractor You cannot fall behind like I'm an independent contractor I tell people every week on them on the first of the month

We're all equal. We're all listen broke Broke we got to start from scratch And you got to look at your book. You ever look at your book and go Wow Yeah, ain't nothing on this fucking book and what do you do? You start emailing people Yep, you start licking some envelopes sending out some headshots. Hey, man. How's your podcast going? Yeah, how's this going? You know, whatever and all of a sudden you're generating you're putting shit into the energy

You know diagostino's a phone salesman. Yeah, and I told him diagostino you stick with this. You don't make a ton of loot He's starting to make loot over there It's five hours a day. He's pulling down 21 dollars an hour Wow Because he hits the ball. I told him everybody's gonna go there in america. Everybody's gonna go there. They're gonna give it three weeks Right, not the three. I didn't make it no money And they go right back to what they're doing again the smart people and I wasn't one of the smart people That's why i'm saying this the smart people shut their fucking mouth and sit there and make the calls

And you'll see darin carter disappear And lisa yacht disappear and you know what these guys do when they leave They go over and they take your bundle of papers that you've already called and you twisted the label off You quit before you were supposed to call them back and go. Hey, where's my money? And that's what diagostino goes. Oh my god Every day people quit I take their paperwork and I make three sales You already made a hundred calls and gave up They give up before the miracle happens

You know, they fucking give up. I saw this cartoon. It was great. It showed like these miners digging Oh, yeah, I've seen that you saw that one. I showed that to steve simone. I think he reposted it I mean we both connected on that work and the one guy he he you know He was like right off you just would have kept going like another three inches all the jewels everything you want It was like right there right there and it's like and that's I think that's what drives especially like you said you just can't No offense, but you know what I mean like if we were comedians No, he's my brother and you know what I mean like and I've been busting his balls all weekend about it But I was gonna say some people are like you can't quit but then if you're if you're like, you know watching

You know binge watching nine hours of it. Yeah, he's Jewish Yeah, leon friday should have been on sherman old boulevard with a string connected to a fucking one of those sprinklers And another string in his car. So somebody would trip you get out of the car you drive to the hospital You have the attorney on speed though. There's another attorney right here. He's Jewish and the whole way you make 10% You drive to the fucking you go to those armenians you go to those russians and go look You know what I do for a living? I pick people up who fall down. Okay I'm gonna bring them to you. You're gonna hit them with a bill and I get 10% off the top And you collect all the way through the armenians the insurance and the people listen. I take you be right to the airport

I took I took care of you. You were fucking lying there crying At least give me 10 points for the fruits of my labor little gas my little let me wet my beak At the next thing, you know, you're making 30% a day. You're not gonna get paid right away But in a year from now, who's gonna have more money on lease? I yeah, you're gonna be connected to every attorney He's gonna give be giving you back. That's what jews do Jews create shit. Can you imagine that tying a string around a a water sprinkler to your car and people trip over? That's a jew mind that's hilarious You think that guy is worried about the pink or the red is the new black. He don't give a fuck

He's looking for people to trip and fall. He knows his six people fall He's taking three of those. He's 50 percent. He's back 50 percent for the day jews work on percentages. They're geniuses that's his there. I know I it's uh You always coming at companies. I have no idea These you don't want to call this is what jews do I grew up with hard hitting jesus killing jews. That's what they do That's what they do and I ain't mad at them because if these guys started school on how to make a living This country would everybody would be working everybody'd be fucking halfway rich

Because these guys are relentless Relentless, can you imagine the tying the string and waiting there? You know eight people gonna fall you're in for four of them You think people really do that they do, huh? I used to hang out with sy Lawrence. This is what he did He made a living fucking falling and setting people up in in supermarkets buses He loved buses when a bus where he would get a car to go up next to the bus and cut it off So the bus who are you fucking kidding me guys? This is old jew mind

This is how you make a living you get 10 of those guys in two weeks Let's say each of them get 30 000 you get 10 3 grand you got 10 guys falling for you every other week Yeah, but I'd be the asshole who did it once and did it to an undercover I don't know no fuck the cops they fall too. You're always looking for a fucking 10 percenter Darren car that talked to me can you imagine if you did that you did this drink someone falls and then they want to fight you Like oh absolutely you dip the you go to pickle juice and you drop it in the supermarket pickle juice is slippery It's bam and then they know it. Yeah, and before somebody could say clean up on our for this how you do it So you would go in you take the pickle juice drop it and leave it be on the corner

And it would have to be like Lee would walk down and you would walk down as soon as you told the lady Hey, somebody dropped the pickle juice and now for you'd hear whoops And there you go by the time they said clean up our for before they could even get there with the mop Lee slips he falls Now we call 9-1-1. Are you okay? Yeah. Yeah, I can get oh no. Oh my god. What's my name right there? What's my name? That's that's a hundred thousand. What's my name? What's my name? You always told me to say did I pass did I pass out every word? That's that's a beauty pass out Did I pass out that said who's the president? What year is this?

And all of a sudden they take it to the hospital you go to the hospital They said they want to take they haven't found nothing, but you got headaches So they keep you overnight you just picking up bills my back hurts. Let me get a pillow I hurt my ankle. You're just getting bills guys. You just let me get a scissor. Let me get a band-aid You know what they charge you for a band-aid in the hospital eight bucks for one band-aid you get 10 of them That's 80 bucks. Don't worry about nothing. You just clock it into your job Your job is to draw the bills the next day you get out immediately get a neck brace You put that that's the jewish gold chain is a neck brace. Okay. If you're when you see a real jew

He ain't got no gold chain. He got a neck brace. Okay When you see an old school jew with a neck brace you like that motherfucker is fucking dangerous He puts that neck brace on that neck brace never comes up that neck brace alone is worth a hundred thousand I knew a guy like this that yes everyone you're describing it just came to me It's like there was a guy, uh, I lived in San Diego for a year and and he made most of his stuff He made me didn't yes, I did he made most of his this guy made most of his stuff He goes look at all my furniture. Look at all this day. He wanted either on game shows or weird lawsuits Yeah, and he at the time at the time he said he was going

He was uh, he was something about ulcers and he goes because it doesn't say it on the tylenol So he he wanted to sue tylenol and he goes if you look on the bottle it says nothing about ulcers real jews I was like 20 years ago speed down dog claiming everything I went down to service for Volkswagen those nazis didn't put oil in my fucking car You leave you have a thousand lawsuits And you're sitting there like a fucking bumping a lot of complaining you're eight large for taxes We got to fucking get you working if you're gonna be a jew out of here. I had never thought of the The sprinkler. Oh my god. That's old school. That's I'm telling you right now. That's that's mad max type shit

Do you just like walk by something like that would be a good place to yeah when I do it now today? I would go look at because there's cameras on You have to be careful though. Side lines would be hitting the jackpot, especially in california. Everything is in a pot hole Every street's got a hole. Yeah, every time you look on a sidewalk and it's got a dent in it Your foot could get caught in there. You know you look at it. You come back like two hours later You're slipping for you crawl a little bit. So the camera catches you Like you got fucking herpes and uh And mononucleosis and she's just crawling on one elbow

And you get the camera to show you and that's it the guys you go to an attorney But then you go for treatment. That's the way you get the money is when you go for treatment twice a week acupuncture fucking ears chiropractor Genealogist anything who will take you and build the insurance because they're all in on the same scam So what you're doing is going for treatment now once they all say the treatment's over all those bills go to the insurance company So you want two hundred thousand dollars worth of bills because you get 10 percent of that or something The higher the bill that's why every time you go to you go you walk in and you walk into that restaurant with the neck

Brace on crawling like you're an extra on fucking one of those dead walking dead walking dead That's where the paper is and dog. I know people who've had three of those lawsuits going at one time And it's bad karma. Who gives a fuck you deal with karma later What's up? I fell you know, I fell in a hotel like they had just mopped and then she had no signs And there was a little bit of a An angle or like a ramp and I was you know getting ready the guy was going to pick me up and take me to the club And I was walking real fast wasn't running. I was walking real fast and bam Down in my hip hurt for like three or four days and those hotels

That's 40 000 real quick. They pay you out of court or juice shows up at your house or yarmulke and a fucking check in the suitcase Like jerry mcguire's wife. How you doing? Here you go take this Mm-hmm Unbelievable Monday night the church what's happening now so darin You know you've been doing calmly for how long dude. I've been I started in 1990 probably probably Fresno I grew up in Fresno And uh, I started writing stuff down like in high school and I was one of those kids where they were like you should be a Comedian, you know, you should be a comedian. I used to hear that a lot

And uh, I remember they had career day and of course, you know, there was no comedians, but I uh was something I always wanted to do as long as I could you know, can remember probably like 12 or 13 and You know back then I I got lucky. I started right away. Like I was on the speech and debate team and I'd write these funny speeches and that would turn into stand-up and we'd do our thing and and uh You know, it was it was it was it was easy Back then there was this group called the comedy crew and we get 25 bucks right off the bat Like now they got like bringers on this crap. It's like no no not back. Is it like a comedy rap group?

Mmm. That was like a group of guys. It all sucked This is the Fresno. Yeah. Yeah, and then how long did you stay in that market up there? I stayed there for about a year just just getting my legs getting learning how to do it And I got picked up to do comedy at Marriott's great america. It was a theme park They came in they had auditions And I got picked up and my job was to entertain people in line for roller coasters. No way. There was five of us They had stilt walker a guy who breathed, you know, like uh the swallows fire And then my job was to entertain people in line for roller coasters and it lasted about two months and then I got fired

For what? Just because it sucked it was Imagine just walking up to people and trying to be funny like no microphone. No speakers. Nothing just I thought you were talking Because I've been to some amusement parks and they actually have shows sometimes We were just walking to like a random person in line trying to make them laugh Yeah, that's crazy. Yeah, I did like 13 shows a day. I did that and then I'll opening up for like the ice skaters and You know Anyway, so then I hit the bay area scene. That was my my thing. What year was this that was from 90 to 92

Oh my god. Yeah. No. No. I mean I lived in the bay area for from 90 to 92 I only did that job for a couple months. No, no, I'm talking about that those two years We're doing coming 90 to 92 man, you know roommates doing that, you know, the all the the east based of Tommy tees going into the punchline. You mentioned the the open mic on sundays. I used to do that Tommy tees, yeah, Tommy tees, rooster tees, rooster tees, and rooster tees feathers I didn't I didn't do till like I you know till I headlined but back then it was run by somebody else and it was Back then it was a little bit harder, right? It was like a lot of engineers and they're a little bit white enough tight And that was you know, like it was it was tough. I was 20 back then I was like 21

So my comedy did better at the did you ever do the last laughs? There was one in seattle two seattle's a phoenix the last laughs. You probably did one. No, no No, I came as I started. Yeah, they were going out. You know, it's funny phoenix has six comedy clubs now When I started phoenix had Five I think they had the improv They had the last laugh And they had a club called knucklehead. I was gonna say that knucklehead. Yeah, it's out of minneapolis Yeah, and they had something else in scotsdale at the time there were four club phoenix was close to colorado

You know 14 hours 12 hours What else was up there at the time knuckleheads? Yes, because they were threatening. No, they were threatening to bring the last laughs back They get when I lived in seattle in 95 The guy was lurking and he was thinking of bringing them back to portland And seattle, but that felt true Yeah, I remember I heard that I never did the road back then as far as the last laughs I only did the sandals a ones but they said that that guy that ran it was a real jerk is torres or something like that Yeah, yeah, they will yeah, they said that he would in the in the condo

He would lock the The air conditioner so wouldn't go below a certain thing So people would take their blow dryers and blow it on the thermostat to get the ac to kick in Just like that like he he charged you for straws. I heard like 10 cents of straw just weird stuff like that You know, I luckily I never had to do that, but and then where did you go? After the bay area bay area. I was broke as a joke It was all the money was going like by the way, I had like a piece of shit car It kept breaking down. I was doing these little one-nighters that

You know, I did that that triple run Um, I remember having going to going to denny's and making a list like should I stay should I go? What am I going to do and I got a job? Craig Anton came to san francisco And we did a This thing called the make me laugh tour where you you you get in a car you get in a van And go and do all these colleges all around america Each committee and we do 20 minutes and then you do like an hour

So you'd be an hour of stand-up and then an hour of that that stupid game show yeah 2020 It was that that was 92 to about 94 and in between there I uh, I got an apartment in san diego. So I'd tour for three months come back start of the comedy store And then I quit that job and then I lived in san diego and then I moved here in 95 May of 95 because I booked a movie and I booked a miller beer commercial Wow, yeah, and I was a regular at the laugh factor in the comedy store and I'm like it's a sign

And now the 95 at the comedy store. What's the comedy store like in 1995? richer prior was coming in I was I was hosting like three times a week And I got to open for him and I remember one time I was in those, you know those back chairs and uh mitzi was to the all the way to the right right by the doorway and I was about four chairs in maybe five And I walked off stage I sat there in the chair and then at one point richer priors wife She leaned over and I thought she was gonna say like you can't sit here

And she leaned over and she was like you're very funny And I was like, oh wow, thank you. I mean that just just that was like one of the little Signs of validation, you know, it felt so good, which you go home and yeah explodes. Yeah. Yeah, you're like the agency book And you're like, I'm gonna call CAA Richard priors eighth wife told me I was funny, you know But it's like all those jobs that you said were kind of crappy They might sound like they probably helped you get good at comedy doing all those shows. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, oh, yeah for sure. I mean You know, like I said at theme park. I did so many shows per day the college

We did, you know All these shows and all you know all these different cities all these different towns just you know just and as you see Lee, you know, you see me out every night. I just I I'm always on go. I just go for it. Like no joke every night I'm up my facebook is just darin carter comedy store darin carter Laugh factory and it's just and you're out like late too and you're a dad Yeah, and then you're up at like seven in the morning sometimes Yeah, I probably do that twice a week. I'm not like joey joey's

He's up. You know, that's great. Yeah And now you're here. I met you in 97 at the store with johnny and Cardinale and johnny sanchez bunch of you guys used to hang out up there and I was like I was the old I was older than you guys, but I was the new kid on the block Yeah, yeah, I'd see you and I'd be like joey you're your shoes untied joey because you be like, hey, I don't care, you know Hey, you'd be like I gotta be on a bus you'd disappear for like a month You'd you'd go out and do the road for a month and that was it at that time for me when I came back I saw so many holes in my game that I had to improve

Yeah, and it was like when they tell you about uh when you start somewhere that they see you at that point And they remember you at that point So I stayed out of the clubs even though I was in them and I would go on off nights But I was always on the road because that's where you cut your teeth at least that's what was told Yeah, to me at that time. I had no girlfriend. No nothing my obligation was to pick up 500 bucks every week You know no plane ticket sleep on buses sleep on the fucking side of a car or whatever whatever I could do You know, I know god. I remember make it work. I mean this is what you're doing You know, I I had a like I said when I did that college tour I had like no money when I say no money

I mean just like that was it. I didn't have you know Didn't have anything in the bank nothing. I had no money So it was like I have to make this work And so the guys you know a lot of people do have some you know, like they're you know Like the other guy he was a teacher and he's like, I'm gonna be a comedian So, you know, he you know he had some income and so they used to laugh at me because I Would keep a little calendar of like how much money I spent that day and it would be like all right today I spent zero dollars or maybe I spent two dollars

I remember surviving off just like a jar of peanut butter and bread and an apple and I said because we get to the college that's where they'll give us like sandwiches or pizza or something and uh, you know It feels good now to have money because you know, I'm gonna get a hotel But back then I was like, oh, we're only gonna be here for like seven hours. I'll sleep in the van Yeah, I'm sleeping in the fucking van. I'll say 50 bucks to yeah, that's was you know, how we fuck it. It's like six out 12 I remember going to the I was in new york and I had like 600 bucks and I'm like, holy shit. I could go out on a sunday night in new york I was in Syracuse

I took a bus all the way into manhattan to see my buddies and here I am on 42nd street with 600 This is 1998 98 99 The 600 hours 1999 to me lead. Do you have any fucking idea? Like 6,000 it was like 6,000 here. I am in manhattan. I'm like, I'm gonna meet my buddies I'm gonna get some blow. I'm gonna go to the bar Get a hotel room or one of them's gonna put me up and I'm gonna stay here till Wednesday

Or tuesday and I'm gonna Take a bus to kennedy. I had in those days. I flew everything with cheap air Yeah, cheap air was everything so you had to get a money order and go to a certain spot in new york city and pick up the ticket At the order. It was a fucking nightmare to save 50 bucks on a plane ticket Yeah, so here I am. I'm flying from kennedy to dallas. I'm working the other room in dallas What's the other room in dallas hyenas hyenas which I fucking hated Like I you know had been there. Well, no, yes I had been there during the latino laugh festival part of the festival was to do hyenas on wednesday night

With his cousin and wasn't and then drive down to san antonio So I had been there already the condo Was a fucking you've been there. Yeah was a nightmare I bought groceries and I didn't open up the bun cake and the roaches got in The bun cake. I didn't open it leave. That's how fucking smart those roaches were. Oh my to make a long story short I call four of my friends Um with my mother I'm not going to be available till eight o'clock. I called another one of my friends. You know what I'm with this

I said, you know what I wanted to pull authority. I got one of those lockers. I put my shit in there I locked it up and I took a fucking train to 100 street. Whatever. Yeah, I walked around for an hour New york was cracking down in those days Finally, I met some fucking dude who took me on alley. So me a grandma blow for 30 bucks I found a building where they still saw weed and they sold me like three tens. They gave me a deal like Six tens for 50 bucks So I for 80 bucks I got weed and I got a little bindle of coke. Guess what I did I went right back to port authority and there was a bus

An express going from dallas from new york to dallas that was going to get me in a day early I called the fucking owner and I go, can I be there a day early? He goes, absolutely I said I took that bus. I did bumps the whole way. I jerked off in my seat You think I'm fucking kidding you. I rolled joints. I fucking went out of cry everywhere. It stopped I smoked a little joint I got coked up for two days on that fucking bus by the time I got to dallas I needed a fucking bed to sleep Think I'm kidding you and I ended up saving fucking and we know what I did. I got back

I didn't do another drugs. I got back to manhattan I got a nice steak in those days. It was like 29. Yeah, you know, what was the last time I got a steak? I was living on subway Cheese and veggies. That's why you hate subway now. I fucking hate it. I hate so many subway And I'm talking about I was a big guy and I get a foot long And eat six inches and have to look at the other one for 18 hours because that was your dinner Your ash tray was filled with quarters Yeah, you had four joints that you looked at like they were the Mona Lisa because you knew once they were gone

You know, you were getting 300 to mc. Yeah weed was 60 dollars 60 dollar bag of weed that goes to have my fucking and you don't get high or nothing No, I you know, what's funny is and also I've ever did you ever do this where I remember I'd we go in the I'd be in the van I crank the heat and then you turn the key off and then you fall asleep and then you wake up shivering You ever do that? We were like I used to it's toasty and then you're like, oh, this is good. I can survive and then you wake up I used to drink no dose and Mountain Dews

I would pop eight no dose. This is when I used to have to pick up my daughter and boulder So I would be in Idaho doing a triple run to get off the stage And at midnight getting my car and start popping no doses once every 30 minutes Drinking Mountain Dews smoking joints doing salient the Datsun And then I have to pull over and take a nap and you don't you have to pull over take them and believe the car When you wake up and you look You don't know where scared is because you think you fell asleep behind the wheel. Yeah, you have no idea. Yeah sleeping at rest spots I used to try to sleep in places that were like lit like hotels

Yeah, yeah, yeah me too like in and out burger parking lot something like that where there's people going in and out You know, like it's bright and there's traffic. You the rest areas seem kind of creepy. I made a mistake I'm not a picture-taker I never thought I'd be here Lee and I never thought I'd be here I made 80 mistakes in this career And if you're in a Young comic and you start going on the road. I want you to do me a favor Take pictures of all those people that took care of you at hotels

There were certain people that I don't know what their names are that I wish I could send them all 100 bucks for them an investment in me. There was a guy in Detroit that I got to a hotel one night I was a day early And I got down I go listen man Can I use your bathroom, you know, and he's like yeah go ahead and I used it You have a vending machine. Yeah, I got some sodas and some chips And in those days I just go in my car. Lee. There was no computer. There was no Netflix in your car You just sat there and you couldn't put the light on because the battery

You just sat there and parked under a light until the security guy from the hotel would come over and say hey man You're staying in on You gotta move it. I ain't bothering nobody dog, you know And that's one guy this guy was the security and he goes. What are you doing here? I go I'm playing joey's And he's like listen do me a favor man. Just chill over here. Let me see if I can find your places I'm in Syria. I had so many people. Yeah, that helped me I remember one time being in michigan in the back of a restaurant talking to this guy and him going You're just gonna sit in your car. Yeah, he goes walk with me down and I thought I was getting mugged

And I went to a blues bar with him on a monday night a black blues club on the bad side of Detroit I had a blast. I did blow I made some check we swaps from the spit I fingered And I went to my car and jerked off and went to sleep and put the eyes, you know, and you You listen to those stories now and you can't imagine them Being on a triple run and getting arrested for shoplifting. Then I got arrested for smacking somebody and uh In Boise and then I in Idaho and then I got arrested I didn't get arrested. I fingered this indian chick at a bar. She had a yeast infection

I will never forget that That it was you know like one of those wednesday night triple things which people it's not a Here you get into comedy because you think you're gonna be playing vegas and here you are And uh, what's the hotels around the country red lion red lion in in some place? It says on the bottom don't curse because there's gonna be Mormons in the audience Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know and you got to go up there and they and they treat you like they give you 15% off your meal But triples only giving you 50 bucks and the hotel wants salmon Yeah, and those were the only times like there was one hotel that would give you like

50% off the meal and you don't understand Lee for two days you've been in the car Eating subway sandwiches shit in that rest areas Now you got a hotel room the first thing you do is put the hot water on and just sit in that tub You have no idea how you appreciate the little things when you're broke And on the road like that. Oh my god I used to use the jacuzzi's more back then because i'm like i'm on vacation. You know, this is great a jacuzzi That's what they say to your door. The hotel's got a jacuzzi. Come on When you heard the hotel had a jacuzzi you thought you were making it like oh, yeah

And then you get older like is a fuck about the jacuzzi. It's gross. I don't even want a jacuzzi, you know There's so many things that And back then you know what you said we like you said you get 50 bucks or whatever it was like, you know We didn't do merchandise back then there wasn't really merchandise, you know, like I I did comedy I think for like 10 years before even it was you know, I mean it wasn't in fashion There was some guys, you know, like they would sell stuff like bumper stickers or Vic Dunlop rest of soul would do You know if the eyeballs or they would but most of us you don't you make if you got paid 100 bucks Well, you're probably gonna go home with like 30 40 maybe by time you get done eating gas spending your money. It's like

You know and today the gas prices All these kids are dying. I know and you cannot you know, you have to do three weeks as a feature act If you fly you got to stay there for three weeks and hopefully that you know Like the first time you go it's an investment. You lose money Across the board then you go when you meet like-minded people a comic or go door. Yeah, I live in my mom's We got a basement next time you come into town come in a day early I'll get your gig at this bar page you 150 And you stay at my house and you start building relationships with people

I'll tell you there was a guy in Boston him and his wife would cook for me They had a they had a little boy and when I come to town they said listen If you want to swing by and sleep in the basement and you know, that's cool Fucking I had a thousand of those people that I wish I would have taken pictures with and But you live in your life. How you feeling you ready for another star Lee? No, I'm not ready for another star. Why not? You're a fucking international playboy mystery of Mystery man. Fuck the most interesting man in the world. Is that what you said? Yeah I found out this weekend that you're having me watched when I go to subway

He calls me and tells me like there's two people Really reported to him that I've gone to so I got to get my hair cut last week guys on wednesday or something And I'm going and some kid goes. Hey, how you doing? I love the church, man So I go to get the heck out of here because you got 20 minutes like, okay So I go outside. I left the phone the car when I come back goes. Hey, man. How you doing? He goes. I really like the podcast He goes. Yeah, I live like across the street from Lee. He goes. I didn't know that was Lee I always see him walking out of subway sandwich with a big smile. We just I started. Oh, shit

I'm like, come on. You still see him like always less. I'm using The day I just saw him yesterday. He fucking walked out of there And he goes he drove there and walked that he goes. It's just fucking crazily But Lee says he was coming from somewhere. Yeah, this guy says Lee drives the car Parks it gets a sandwich done it before yes you have Oh, yeah What do you get when you go to like to get like a turkey sandwich or something? I just get turkey now I used to like I used to love tuna

But that's like the worst thing you can get there It's really delicious. Oh, yeah, it's great. I'm not gonna lie to you tuna is delicious from subway But you got to dope it up. You got to put the vinegar the oil. You got to dope the bread up with mayonnaise You got to put some pickles on that motherfucker. I like the jalapenos jalapenos. You ever just I just put all the veggies I'm like spinach lettuce tomatoes onions. I just you know when I was a kid it was just just tuna That was it tuna relish some egg whites, but now I'm like Throw the veggies in so at least you it's like you're tricking yourself like I'm getting healthy I love good, you know onions in it. Yeah

Some raw motherfucking onions on white bread like good Italian bread with some tomatoes on that motherfucker or an egg salad Nice egg salad on the seeded roll like uh like a Kaiser roll stop it with a fucking coke A 16 ounce coke early for breakfast. That's my old. That's the old days That's why I would throw down a good egg salad on a fucking Kaiser roll stop Come on, Lisa. You know, I had a good sandwich at which which this weekend Oh, I was gonna say which which is good, right? It's actually pretty good. What'd you have at which which turkey? I'm like that's all I can really get now. So I get what you're pulling the turkey to make it come to life

Uh, I put swiss lettuce pickles and brown mustard fucking swiss in turkey with a lot of salt on the turkey before you lay the swiss on top A little pepper extra on the pepper Stop it a nice roast beef slice thin with heavy on the salt and pepper with a little piece of swiss and some mayonnaise and a Oh, man, it is so bad and light mayonnaise sucks dick. Oh, no, listen, listen, so some things that just don't work Light mayonnaise is the worst. No light mayonnaise. I tried it. It's like blowing an 80 year old with no sperm in his fucking cells It's just gooey juice. No, you always go for the helman's mayonnaise You never fucking cut out the middle man You always go for the helman's mayonnaise. You never make that mistake. What do they call it?

Light mayonnaise. No, no, what's the helman's that they call out here kroger. No best foods. Thank you, sir Fucking do from Fresno over boy crown guy. I don't know fucking guy. I gotta deal with you Kroger. So the other day I was sitting here pickly weekly, you know You know, Ari's a fucking nutcase. Yeah, you know, Ari likes to find the most obscure thing in his heart. He really does For some reason the rains were really bad. So they all got their flights canceled to new york So he's at Ralphie maze right now. All right, like just, you know Rogan's very intelligent, but rogan always had uh

An interest for earth, you know, not earthquakes, but the stars the big foot and big for stuff like that like space Is null and void in my world. Yeah, my whole thing has always been What makes people take whether I know you or I don't? When oj killed that woman Yeah, I sat there and related to him for a few weeks on how if I had an ex-wife, you know at the time Yeah, and I always think of what makes people take. Yeah. Yeah, you know and uh It bothers me it bothers me that sometimes on television on a and e has a show on there, you know that uh,

You know the life of a comedian, you know laughter and then darkness and all this shit All right, they're not laughing now. You know, they're not laughing now and they show all these comics We've had problems and now we got robin williams just to fucking post a child for dysfunctional comics And you know, I look in the mirror and I know i'm dysfunctional in many fucking ways But I know i'm crazy in many ways, but I know there's a lot of ways i'm very grounded And one of my motivations has been that I never had a mom, you know, I never I met my mom And but then I heard that people Who uh go to be comedians of kids who always want looking for attention, you know, my mom gave me a bunch of attention

You know she I was I was her world. I mean I wasn't you know I was telling somebody today I was talking to these guys that were writing And I said when I was a kid that after my mother after my dad died My mother took me with her everywhere. There was no dropping me off at a babysitter. I didn't start getting babysat till the First grade and I didn't like it. It was so new to me. Yeah, like to some people you get babysat as a baby You get used to my mom drag me with me to bars and butcher shops and or her bookmaking operations and all these places So when she started so I don't understand that concept of we're looking for attention And you know Madonna doesn't have a mom. Yeah, there's a lot of celebrities, you know people who lost their moms in an early age

You lost your mom or you were an orphan. I was uh before we get into that. How old were you again? You were like 12 or 13 I was 15 15 Yeah, because like you were saying like your mom gave you attention, but think about that at 15 man. That's not enough like I still I like I would go crazy if my mom died right now. I don't know what I know Lee can you imagine that like I mean I think about it You were talking to the day about about you putting your shoes on and you and you remind you of you of the something your mom said like oh, don't pull the back I mean

Man, imagine like you said going with his mom and like everywhere and then just gone at 15. That's so that's sad, man I got older. Yeah, she still talked to me. She still gave me attention But as boys we want to do our own thing. Yeah, and then when I got sick she came back in but the whole thing I was very tight with my mom. Yeah, you know, uh, why did I do stand up? I'll be honest with you. It fit me I knew that I would adjust around it. I'm one of those guys that I didn't like working days That was not gonna happen in my world. That just was not neither. I couldn't focus on it I could not focus on a day job every time I was doing a jay day job up to 10 days on my so what am I making for the day again? If I work overtime, I pulled down 130

Oh, I could sell a gram of blow and make money. You know what I'm saying like in my mind I was always making scams So when I found out what the requirements were for comedy traveling Working nights drinking snort and blow, you know, because I read the Lenny Bruce book So I thought this is what it was. But then I meet a guy like you. Okay, so now I have other demons I meet a guy like you don't smoke pot. No never really saw you drink Sweet and pie you're nonviolent never got arrested. No Now were you orphaned or so I grew but here's what happened to me. I uh, I grew up in a foster home. Okay

um A group in a foster home. I was put there when I was three and You know a lot sometimes people if they haven't heard this they get a little shocked because it's so it's weird for them because like you just said I You know, I'm sort of like, uh, like I guess when they look at me I'm like that leave it to beaver kind of guy or like very sweet You know, like when you said something somebody fell like the first thing I do is I fall and I'm like, I don't think lawsuit I think oh man, I just just get up and go, you know, if I see something

I'll actually go out of my way. I know I'm weird like that like like I was at a buffet I was doing the uh, um, what do you call it the lake tahoe improv and I saw like there was some ice and stuff And I thought someone's gonna fall and hurt themselves So I went and I actually grabbed a dirty tray and I put it on the floor So, you know, and then I the kind of me, you know, and then and then you know, I know that's weird And I was like, excuse me somebody, you know, I'm the kind of guy. I was in a bathroom a couple a couple of In january is in bathroom in january actually in Fresno

And what do I see in the bathroom stall? I see a fucking handgun, man There was a handgun. It was a 45 and it was in the bathroom on top of the toilet paper roll What would you do if you saw well, who knows what you would do? What would you do at different ages? Probably different things, I guess if you saw a handgun A thousand things I would number one. I wouldn't touch it. Yeah, I didn't touch it really Well, let's ask Lee. What Lee, what would you do? You walk into a bathroom? You see it. You see run away screaming I don't know like I freak out I wouldn't know what to do. It was a really nice restaurant. It was a sunday morning

I did shows earlier that you know that week was with my aunt and uncle, right? I walk into the bathroom stall and I'm I look down at and I'm like And I look and there's this black gun and I And I kind of looked at the front of it and there was no orange thing So I'm like, oh, this isn't like a toy. This is and I grabbed the toilet tissue or the seat cover protector And I kind of picked the gun up a little bit It was heavy and I was like, this is the fucking real deal. So I immediately locked the stall

I waited till the people were out. I opened the stall I pop up on the door I flagged a bus point down, which is not was weird. I was like, come here And then I asked I said I go I go I need to talk to the manager I need to talk to him and he goes he goes, sorry. He's busy. I go seriously. I go. I really this is an emergency I have to show him something and so then he gets the manager and I know the pilot creepy like hey Come here. Look at this. But I said I go look in there. There's there's there's something I go I found a gun there's a gun and he goes a gun

And the same thing he grabs the toilet seat protector kind of picks the gun and he goes. Oh, it must belong to a customer So he grabbed a bunch of paper towels wrapped it up. He goes. I'm gonna put it in my office So he goes to his office. I sit back down. My heart was pounding man. It's fucking weird because it was like a nice roast You're a nice. Yeah, it's not your world. Yeah, and it wasn't like it was a late night Denny's at three in the morning or some, you know, weird. It was like a weird like, you know, like a nice place I told I have a friend that's a cop and I texted him and he He goes get the fuck out of there, you know, and he goes call the cops and I wrote back I already told the manager and he goes for all you know, it's his gun

I was like, oh, I didn't even think of that like I didn't even think of that Long story short the cops called me later that night and they go do you work there? And I said no and they go because we're trying to get hold of the manager and he's not he's not calling us back Who knows what it was any who so that was what I tomorrow the story. Yeah next time mind your fucking business Fuck out of there. No. Yeah, you mind your business. What if some kid grabs the gun and shoots somebody here What are you doing? Yeah, there's nothing to do with you. Yeah, you might touch it Listen that gun could have been used in the murder. Yeah, that gun could have been used in a thousand things You know, we we sometimes feel that we have to do everything and there's some things that

Look around you look on the restaurant. There's a bunch of kids with balloons. Yeah. Yeah, but Doesn't sound like that was kids. Yeah, it was like more like retired. You might be helping somebody out Somebody might get the bill going to bathroom see the gun and shoot themselves So you anyway, so that was sort of my background like this group home. Yeah a group at a foster home, so You know, uh, it was a group home with other kids. Yeah, yeah A home where they had three kids of their own. No, no, no, we were all like in the foster program So I was three my mother

was She was in and out of prison My father Who I really I met him one or two times as a kid And I didn't reconnect with him until I was 28 He was a Hell's Angel. He was the president of the Fresno chapter Um, you he's he's in that book the Hell's Angels book hunter as Tom Thompson. Yeah, Thomas Thompson anyways

So my uh My mother, um, I was closer to my grandma and grandpa like on my mother's side like I didn't know my father's side I didn't even you know, I only really know him and he he has kids that I've since met But so growing up I would get to see my grandma and grandpa every, you know every two weeks I'd see him every two weeks until I was nine And and then when they adopted me That pretty much they put the kibosh on that like I would only see my grandparents, you know Christmas and birthday so be twice a year. I have two

Uh, two sisters kind of I mean, we're not real. I mean, you know, they're my foster sisters They were old they were two they were unstable. I think I'm gonna say like I know I ask that question all the time I love my grandma grandpa. I love him so much When I turned 19 and I actually had a little, you know, I grew up in a very strict household super strict very religious Um going to church three times a week Sunday morning Sunday night Wednesday night, you know that kind of thing um When I was when I had a little bit of money like a little bit just to you know, like pay rent I moved out and for two months. I actually went right back to their house

I went and lived with my grandparents for a summer and and For the two years that I lived in Fresno, I would you know, I'd have my my job I worked at a radio station. I went to city college and I'd go to their house for dinner every night You know, they were the sweetest coolest people That's fucking amazing Now when you got adopted, yeah, what did it feel like living in this now when you got adopted you looked through the family Of course, there was the same family that raised me my whole life You know really start when I was three I went there when I was three

My name used to be I used to have a different last name when I was nine. I got the name Carter That's You know, yeah party starter. No, but that's like so I'm like, yeah, they gave me a stage name. No, but uh I remember he my dad asked me goes. Do you want to be adopted? You're a kid. What are you gonna say? You're gonna say yes, you know, like I didn't understand it My mom my fond, you know, and I hate to say this but my foster mom She was abusive man. It wasn't a sweet thing. Some kids some people are like, oh, it's so nice You got adopted or it's so it's great that you grew up in a fire and I'm like not they're not all good

I mean, it seems like a good thing like if you tell someone I foster children. Oh, you're a good person Not really you don't necessarily just because you do that doesn't mean you are a good person I my dad was a good person My foster mom I gotta say I don't think she liked kids man. I don't think she liked kids I don't even know why she why we're there Um, it was yeah It's weird because I took a course in uh

Psychology at the University of Colorado, but it was before I transferred it was a continuing ed course Yeah, and the guy did a paper on that or something and we spoke about that for like two classes how They did a study and most people that adopt Have a guilt That they're hiding. I don't know what the percentage was. I hate to say that maybe there's some psychology majors You know, I was young. Yeah, I was interested in this, you know Uh The people who took me in

To do the father, you know, I I was I was introduced to them by There's there's two sons and I started going over to the house and eating And one day I became a relationship with the dad. I said hello. I was always very polite. Yeah, this is b Mr You know, I was always very polite. It's like a leave brought me to his house when we were 10 We would always go my mom really dug you the next day, you know, but for some reason this kid's mom didn't dig me like she dug me but I don't know

Maybe I was cute. I don't know. I don't know where the father was The dude he dug me and I went by him one day going him pulling me back and going come in for a second This is what I like about you that people he they were the first ones to get a built instrument pool. Oh, yeah, and We used to all go over there and one day he goes, you know, I like about you all the other kids leave You stay behind and pick up the towels. Oh He goes and I go because I had a pool and I know how it felt

You know I'm saying yeah, you look out and all your friends leave shit out now You get yelled at by your mom And we built up a relationship then he asked me do you want to go to track one night and one day in the car he said to me Isn't it weird that I have three boys and you're going to the track with me And I and I realized Lee. What's the first thing I say to you when we get here every fucking night How's your dad doing? You think I asked you that because I'm a jerk or because I like your fucking dad or whatever I mean your dad's a sweetheart of a guy. I say these things to you because if you don't have a dad

We forget these things me and this fucking guy don't have a dad. We'll tell you how to be a better son I'll tell you how to be a better son. You know, I said I did Ari's podcast And I made a statement that I know how to save a marriage because I destroyed the marriage When you do this shit you learn And I see people who overlook their parents and it fucking destroys my inside because I would give an eye To to spend uh me and my uncle are beefing. We beefed. I'm 52. We've beefed 27 years of my life, which is half of it me and my uncle. He's my mother's brother If I could look you both in the eye today as men and tell you I don't miss my uncle

Because I would love to go to a dodger game with him against even if I got a pain for the tickets It meant that much to me because his sons. Yeah wouldn't take him to a fucking dodger game We overlook our parents And they sacrificed a ton for you But you don't know that to you become a parent and You want to do something on saturday, but you know if you go in and set your sketch You get an extra nickel and that means he gets your son gets an extra pair of sneakers We overlooked that I never forgot that and I remember having conversations with him going

Us getting to the track and him giving me 30 bucks And then he introduced me to guys that would win at the track, but they didn't want to uh Collect the money because they're going their taxes So I would put my source security and they collect under my name and they give me 10% lia you fucking listening to this shit I'm 13 I'm 13 at the track going home with a deuce 300 every night. Nobody knows where I'm getting the money from It was crazy But I never forget him looking at me going

I got three boys and I'm going with you to the track This is how and he goes. I love my boys, but That feeling right there always fuck and leak Don't I always ask you about your dad? Don't I always beat you up to go down there and bring him out? Because the day he's gone You're going to remember every time I asked you how your dad is and you're going to say you know what I should And I and you're good because I know you were going to go down there two months ago It cost you a g note laroo

They took your money from the hotel the plane was delayed for 22 hours. You're a good son But there's a lot of people man that they overlooked this for some reason Yeah and uh Jesus it's it's a do you ever think about it Joey because like Jesus fuck I think about it Well, not even that but in we live it with my friends. I live it with my daily friends. Hold on I got my nutsack These those jean shorts had to put me on these and see if I would have me on these on you balls

What we're saying. I'm sorry to interrupt you. Oh, no, I just meant like because most kids who who Lose a parent probably don't go through that they would go through Like they would they would get taken by the state and all that and you just went you got lucky and went to live with your friends Like what how your life would have been totally different if at 15 you got taken to like a different part of New Jersey No, but I wasn't there was no listen. I live in a political Where they would have cut the strings really in those days north bergen was really gangster Like if the state where they came in they would have thrown a beat on them my friend

Oh, shit, you know, I might want to pull the gun on and it would have been ugly So I don't know what happened when my mom died Nobody said boo Like nobody nobody came to the house the school didn't say nothing. You just kept wow Nobody excuse me. Nobody said dick. I just went to school. She we buried her on a monday Tuesday I was back at school like nothing happened. You went to school the day she died Yeah, the day she died. I went to fucking school. I mean I you know, listen man I knew even at that age because my dad had died and I saw how my mother acted

Yeah, my mother didn't sit there like a fucking victim In fact, my mother got doubly hard after my dad died. I could see it I could see how much she worked and how much, you know, she loved and she partied too Yeah, but when it was time, you know, she opened the bar. She laid it down She watched that lunch register then she disappeared to the metal ends and catch four races and win a thousand Then she shoot over the you know, but uh I had the opportunity to meet my mother You know, I don't remember my father, you know, I don't I can't imagine

But all the fingers pointed to me losing my parents. I mean we moved on the street. That was an old orphanage They said there was a fly there and all those houses were fucked up. It was a dead-end street It was two blocks from a fucking cemetery You know, like I had all the fucking signs, you know, yeah When you were growing up with the this mom, I mean, yeah foster mom It was like did she yell at you in front of people all the time in her world alone? No, no, no, no, no it was she would she was uh She was like the meanest lady at church. That was my mom like the one that would like the kids or she'd go

Hey, hey, snap her fingers and stuff. She would we'd have a file. There was two times I grew up with two sisters. They're native american. They're really related. They were very they're related. There was another brother that was, uh Uh 10 years older than I and he moved out when he was 17 and I was seven. So I knew him from three to seven You know, he uh, and I remember they had the social worker that came in and one time he you know He this is the like the legend. I don't remember because I was too young But my sister said that he did this like he told the social worker

you know That uh, she's abusing us. She's you know, and he tried it and then after that it was it was done like we This they did nothing about it nothing about I ran away when I was in uh my senior year and after that, you know It was like december when I was like 17 and where are these people today? Where's your mom today? Real moms. Yeah, they're both dead foster mom died real mom died when I was 23 I saw her twice as an adult. She died in prison um

after that No, I was I saw her when I was 23. She died when I was I think 28 and uh You know how you have that thing we were like there's that person I'm gonna look for There's that thing I got to do That was when I realized I got to look at my dad like I knew there were sightings of him like in in that area because You know, he's kind of a Like a like a legend. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, like they know it's he had personalized license plate. He drives a 46, you know Uh fleet line type of you know one of those and so people knew him like he was like six real tall dude

And they were like, hey, I saw your dad over here and I'd heard this kind of thing and I thought I'm gonna look for it. I honestly it's like I was really lucky. This isn't I I looked him up on the phone book and he was in the fucking phone book I called the number and uh, somebody else answered and he goes, oh, yeah, I guess he'll be back in a little bit It'll be cool. I was so scared to call make that phone call, man. You know, it's like hey, uh It's me. You know what I mean? It's it was it was No, he was what are you doing in town? I go, you know, and we talked for a little bit And the plan was I was supposed to meet him the next day at noon

But I told him I was in town. I was it was a comedian. I was doing a show So he couldn't wait till the next day Him and his friend they showed up at the show and so you got a picture. You're on stage Mostly audiences in their 20s and 30s You look over and there's these two zz top looking motherfuckers And I was on stage when I made the joke I go Hey, we're it and right when I looked at him I realized who it was and it and I just kept rolling and I didn't look over there again until I walked off stage

Thank you. Good night It freaked me out, man. It was a weird imagine being on stage and then you see someone like that I'm just trying to hide fall apart at the seams. Yeah, I can't You've never had that happen But like someone being in like the crowd That fucks with you from my past. Yeah Someone personally we're not talking like yeah, like like someone personal like if you saw your uncle

But you yeah, you've seen your uncle recently. No, he came to a show one time I know he was coming. He brought my cousins to Cuba. You know, I love to Uh I love for somebody to give lee me and two million dollars. I give lee a million. I charge him 10% And then I take a million and I like to just go to Cuba and Meet everybody in my bloodline. Look at their eyes from my mother's side And then rent a car and go to come away and see my father's side And that's your dream, you know, these people are not on fucking art chemical.com. What's that family treat thing?

Oh, ancestry ancestry.com. I looked I got nobody on that fucking thing. I mean a fucking Maybe not the wrong website or a valdez on there. I gotta look for illegal immigrants.com They ain't no fucking Diaz is a valdez there. They both came in illegally You know, I just like to go and see everybody to see what their fucking roots were Who the fuck wouldn't I want to go see the whole thing? You know with me at stop with my grandfather I never knew what they did before that. Yeah when I met when I started hooking up my uncle at lunches one day he said to me Hey, uh, you know

Your your grandmother and your grandfather was second cousin. So you're a little retarded and I always knew that Because that's why the whole valdez side is fucking retarded. We're all inbred motherfuckers. You know what I'm saying? So do you think What the fuck are you giggling about cocksucker? How you feeling over there, right? I'm going to go home and watch orange is the new black tonight. I'm done with it. It's over. You understand me Cocksucker still in the surprise. I'm sitting there all week and going. What type of jeweler is this? What jeweler would sit there all day and watch tv somebody's slipping? Somebody's wallet fell out of their pocket something. There's got to be a move to be made Lee

I feel you're done nine in a row. Oh my god. That's just that's a lot. Did you give her a stab in between? Hell, yeah. All right. That's all I want to know A good stab in the morning is half a fucking good one. Thanks to G the little monkey Yeah, you fucking dirty bastard. Are you sniffing? Not just by itself. You don't give a little Where's Tony Bennett at cocksucker? It's good to have you on daren carl. I tell you this is easy for easy. Just talk. I love it, man. Thanks for having me Yeah, you know what?

because my mom my dad was in San Quentin, you know for three years in the 60s And my mother was in prison and after that and so they would so they would write letters back and forth And so he get he's given me some of those letters. I was looking at one of them today Just wild We're gonna do it's monday dc's, huh? What happened you deep fucked it up again. No, I didn't fuck up I figured it out. I didn't fuck up today. Yes, you did. Yes, you did. You're fucking up. You're slipping Nine episodes. I went to your head Like 50% of this audience did the same thing this weekend. No, they did. Yes, they did

No, they didn't I guarantee but they have day jobs. You're an unemployed song around. You're a fucking Independent contractor. You're like, you know, you're out of megan moves. You weren't making them I was making what you were doing or getting her soup and rubbing her feet Let make believe you literally give a fuck. Oh, you're sitting there all googly eye waiting to get her pants You were doing no actually Actually, I worked on saturday. So I did steve's the most podcast. You were dirty. Ha ha Ha ha you came over and steve said your hair was all fucked up. No, we didn't you had pussy hair on your neck Maybe you're dirty bastard

I love his eyes. Hi. It was it was a neener. Neener. Neener I worked on saturday Fuck Little fucking cocksucker you everything. All right, you're off Yeah, everything went to the gym until you're going back to jiu-jitsu tomorrow night. I was at d mac yesterday. You had a good time Yes, I did. I did those hip escapes in there. That's a long floor dog Everywhere else I go the floor is not that long Like he gets like a third of that. So I go to he gives us for the hip escapes. Yeah. Oh, yeah, that's tough

That's a long fucking road to my legs a little sort of thing Can you go there and back? Yeah, I did it twice yesterday. No way. Yeah, but I had to breathe in between I didn't do it like slim jim magoo and I went and there was no I did the one and I stopped maybe three before the line And then I finished it and I rested there for like three minutes Then I did it and by that time my air was coming back to me And I made it. I did some stretches I did some rib stuff and uh, yeah, I went I had a good time. I rolled with john bud. That's a great place

That's a great little family jiu-jitsu school if you like training at night Okay, I haven't tried like late 9 15 like he's like totally to come wednesday at 9 15 9 15 Why not a third start? You know nobody's trying nothing nobody's throwing to the fucking air or nothing So do you think because of your experiences at all? Growing up. Yeah that we yearned to do standard for attention. Do you think that was part of your motivation? I mean now that we're here talking about it, you know what? I think it was I think

Like I said, it was very strict like, you know, they had this thing like children were to be seen not heard And it was almost like I had a dual personality like at home At least I felt like I was this way Quiet really wasn't myself You know it was pretty straight laced kind of afraid a little bit, you know a lot And then uh, but then I get to school and it would be like it was like you unleash the demons like I'm free You know and I would that's when I got into like comedy and beatboxing and stand up and and and writing raps and Being on a speech and debate team and writing like those funny speeches, which was really stand up essentially

You know, um, and then as I got a little older like I think because I started that in 10th grade then 11th grade and then senior year It was like it was pretty much out of the bag man. It was you know, I started doing like little talent shows and all this stuff and What did you strict religious mom go to jail for? No, no, no, that was the foster mom. Oh, that was the foster mom. Yeah foster mom That was strict the my real mom my birth mom. She like I said, she got him, you know with the bikers and that whole thing and you know, you know I don't know. It's as I've asked my grandpa that I go, you know when I was a kid

He passed away um in 2007, but I asked him I said when I was a kid You know, no one would give me a straight answer. They'd be oh, she's in jail for shoplifting Or you know, but then my grandpa said well, it's like, you know, you One charge leads to another then you're hanging out with felons and that's another charge and then some you know The last I heard she she had a you know when she was alive She had a boyfriend who the cops did a raid and he shot like two cops and that guy was an asshole And I remember that guy from I met him once like that boyfriend guy Like 20 years ago

I mean I hadn't seen my mom since I was a little kid They came to Fresno for Thanksgiving and I got to meet you know got to see her and it was great Joe I'm telling you because she had all these letters that she'd received from my grandparents You know my whole life and so she was asking me. Oh, you know So when you were you know 10 years old you were on the track team and then when you were you know, she it was weird It was like this person who knew my whole life all through these letters and stuff And then I I just wanted to talk to her one-on-one because this weirdo was always his boyfriend guy was always with her So finally we stuck, you know, we slipped away. I went and talked to her in this alley, you know across the street and then

Somebody came over looking for us and they go they go they go you okay, buddy No Jesus christ and they go they go that dude's freaking out. He's looking for you guys He's throwing all the stuff on the lawn. We've called the cops. He has a gun. I was like he has a gun I was like fuck man. I like took off and that was I and I I didn't see her again until uh You know, like I saw it six months later at my grandma's funeral and then after that I You know, she she died like, you know six years later

and it didn't even it didn't even hit me like when I got the news because I didn't really know her but Like I think I cried for about a couple minutes I mean, I didn't cry Then I cried for a couple minutes and then I just like you said I just but it was different just moved on Until that night then that night I did a sit at the ice house and I walked off stage I remember for some reason it just hit me the the sound man goes Darren That was an unbelievable set and when he said that I go you're not gonna believe it man

My mom died today And I I just burst out in tears and I don't know if that guy was on something or what but when I burst out in tears That guy fucking started burst out in tears and gave me a big hug and it was it's very emotional, you know It's weird when something hits you. Yeah, sometimes somebody tells you something you're like, okay Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're getting your car and you make a call and all of a sudden something happens Yeah, it just hits you. Yeah for some people it hits you immediately for some people It took five years for my mom's death to settle right and I was 19 When all of a sudden I'm like wait a second, you know, yeah, she's gone

She's fucking mom's gone. Yeah, you know, she's gone. I can't imagine And you sit and look at the other side, you know She loved you in her own little way Yeah But you know her Life got in front of mother. I know sometimes that happens and it's yeah, I look at those letters I looked at one today and she's like you should see your boy. He's out of sight and this You know, it's funny. She's using the language of the the date of the 60s and 70s, you know

He's out of sight, you know and the letter was uh, you know She made it herself, you know colored like a sun, you know what I mean? Like the designs they would do in prison and she had a little design and It's like it's it's wild man It was weird because I remember being at the at the wake And sitting there going wow, I'm an orphan, you know, there's like a label now. I'm gonna have I'm an orphan Yeah, and and nobody like I said guys nobody Said nothing maybe like the third day at the wake people were like, hey man, so what's your next move?

I'm like, I'm really I don't really know, you know, I don't yeah some people were there from miami that said I could move back with them My uncle was here from here. He was very uh My godfather was like you move with me to like west new york, but all these places I had to move I had to leave high school I don't want to be that kid coming in as a sophomore fucking Jesusly the fucking move in high school

That's a horror show, you know You're not going to the bathroom. No, you can't go in the fucking bathroom. Yeah, we're going to hold it We're gentlemen here. You know what I'm saying? We fucking do this for nine hours They should help us six fucking hours. You don't seem going to the fucking bathroom to you What'd you drink a half ounce of water? I know I drink some coffee in the before I got here Jesus Christ You need that aggravation in your life before they piss one time. Let me just piss one time. Yeah, go Okay, thank you. Which which key is it leave the metal one in the middle. I know they're all metal. Oh, oh middle

Fuck, okay. I'm gonna hurry. Can you believe this shit? This is what I gotta do. Wow. Fuck people got a business Oh What's up, Lisa? Yeah, you bad motherfucker you talk to the uncle joey That's fucked up. Um, what's up, brother? No, I but you said something. I think it was on a periscope You know like letting people go like even like having people in your life Who you just have to like kind of get rid of and I'm going through something like that right now And it's just like it's gonna make it's gonna make some people in my life upset that I'm I'm trying to do it but there's just this

It's weird making that decision just like cut someone off kind of why you cutting them off Just it's I don't want to get too personal a little about it, but it just There's been like a long history of just bad behavior and it's just it's uh It's it's not so many, you know um Somebody from your past. Yeah. Yeah, so it's just but it's just like It's just it's a weird it's hard making that decision and I forget I'm too high now Remember what you were talking about, but it's just like here's the coat that I lived with since I was like 24, all right

I would hang out with people all right Party and changes people, you know, it just does One day everything's cool on the next day I'm giving you a hundred bucks for something and you're coming back and it's light and you're my best friend And I I get it, you know what Lee's got a girlfriend He wants to throw a couple coke rocks her way and he's a little asshole. I got it, but then it got worse You know, whatever and you could be mad at somebody for something like that. It's an addiction thing that person still loves you

They'd go through something, you know But then I had a friend one time in 84 That was dear friends with And they're on facebook now and from time to time. He'll like something But he hasn't creeped in yet and I don't creep with him yet I'll never forget how uh God, that felt great That was one of the first friends I had that brutally hurt me and he didn't know about it

But I made a decision one day and I made it based on this. I said that dude used to look me in the eye And tell me he loved me You know When somebody loves you they can't act that way And it makes everything easier and I stopped fucking around with that dude And like I said, he friended me on facebook He lives somewhere different now, you know And I never forgot him. I used him as an example for other things because I really liked him

My life really changed after I started hanging up and stopped hanging out with him He was one of the original guys early on and I was like 16 17 18 That I was in contact with all the time. He didn't live in north bergen, you know But that was one of the first guys ever in 85. I finally goes. That's it And he hunted me down in 88 Oh man, I heard you got arrested and he would giggle I'm like you motherfucker and then

I got a call one night from him and what had happened was Lee, you know, this is the type of people he was He would show up And give you some of this water All right, he'd give you a brand new water taste this you taste the water And then he go, you know what I got four other ones Okay, but you should have called me and told me you were bringing me four other ones

I don't need four other ones Then he go right here take these and I'll come back on tuesday and collect the money from me But at that time he had so much money you wouldn't hear from him for two months And then when they had a bloody court, you know, you got that three thousand dollars. No, I don't That shit is gone long gone. I called you 18 fucking times. That was three months ago. Where were you? He got into a situation where he came to see me in colorado And on the way and he goes, oh man, I forgot I got this blow on me. You want it? Yeah All right, he goes to take it and we'll figure it out later and about a month later. He calls me

And he goes, I figured it out just Let's do like a thousand bucks. I'm like a thousand months Listen, this is what you give away every night. That's how much money you got But I was wrong and he was right But it was just for all the shit he had done over the years then I didn't talk to this guy for 20 years Do you remember my space? Yes I used to do a blog I love that blog and one day

I wrote a blog about him and guys I left Like I used to ride a monday and then go swimming and lift weights. I was really fat And I would come back and one day but never you know, you don't hear from anybody like nobody I hung out with knew where he was Nothing, right? Guess what I get back to my house. My business is before what before He sent to my personal email He's like, how you doing? This is what this is. Can you give me a call when you get a minute? What?

And I called him. I'm like, what's up, man? He goes, ah Everything all right, man. Great to hear you're doing comedy, man. I'm happy for you Me and my kids fell along the shore And then he goes, hey man, you wrote a blog about me. What the fuck? And I was like, let me ask you something between you and me that I lie on that blog And it was silently because I didn't lie I told everything, you know, I got a memory like a whip, especially when people fucked me. Yeah And uh, he was like no, you know, he didn't say no

He goes, well, whatever you want to believe good luck to you And then years later I found out that I was going to do rascals in new jersey And a bunch of my friends showed up And the reason why a bunch of my friends showed up is because he told him the reason I come down and hit me with a stick What this is 98 But I found this out in 2009. Oh, sure So that's but I'm listen, man, some people you just uh There's certain things that people do that, you know, if they get in the way of your livelihood

You got to cut them off. You got to cut them off. You have a wife and a kid. Yeah, this isn't us, you know People rat on you. What are you gonna do hang out with them? Somebody hits on your girlfriend. What are you gonna do? Are you gonna talk to him and take him out to lunch? I don't know, you know, you went to the back. Take him out the subway Yeah, take him out the subway and sneak out of there all creepy With a big drive there and I run home the kids said you look like a pervert Walking out of one of those peep shows that you have a big smile on your face But you hold that sandwich close to you

He's like, I got a six inch He is not pleased he gets the 12 inch the cookie. I don't get the cookie the cookies Don't want the cookies to 20 can't get it 220 count how many carbohydrates? I have no idea All right, you're looking good dog. What are you down to 98 pounds? 93 you don't think 93 you gained weight No, you were at 96.8. No, I wasn't. Yes, you were don't lie to me. I wish I was there's going to be a year on the 20th And from the when I started the diet, so you got four days five days. What were you at your what were you at your heaviest?

Uh, 315. What are you at now? I Look at his head. They got all small. I know he looks when grudge match came on. He looked chinese People were bowing and I'll find the picture. I have a picture from when we went to austin with uh Oookie spooky and my face was like smushed It's creepy. So like yeah, don't put it away. I don't want to see it. You don't want to see it's creepy I don't fucking show it to me all right You should write a book down kind of about your experiences. You know, I look very interesting

I look what you write and I'm like, God, it's very inspiring and and this is I swear to you Do you remember me asking little questions? And this is what I meant and and don't take this the wrong way because I love I love what you do like in my space Because I'm always insecure about my spelling my grammar Oh, I didn't give a fuck remember that and I would ask you I go I go because I know and I was like I just loved how you express yourself and I'm like, oh looks Oh, yeah, you know what I mean? The browser was hard. I would go. He's getting it out there He's getting it out there and I'm like, I'm like, I should I want to do that

But I'm like, you know, you get listen guys. I hadn't fucking opened up a notebook and written traditionally since 1991 And one day I saw I read a blog and I thought it was so fucking interesting Comic wrote this comic doesn't even live in LA no more. Yeah, I forget his fucking name And what do you say he he he wrote the reasons why he was leaving it out Oh, dude, I know who that was because I read that blog too. I know who it was Dude, I know it was a yeah, can I just fuck it? I'll say I know what website it was

It was probably shaggy magazine And I think the guy's name he moved to texas. Am I right? Because he wrote there was a there was back then there was like three or four I want to say websites that you could go on This guy wrote that he moved to LA after Scout from three yards had seen him and he borrowed money from his father and three of his buddies moved in And they moved to the valley and

They shared an apartment and everybody got an agent. He got an agent Two of his roommates got deals. It was just one of those. Yeah, he didn't write it like a victim. Yeah, he wrote it more as This is my journey. Yeah my eight-year journey in Los Angeles. He goes, but upon going back to texas. Yeah I saw one of my old girlfriends and I talked to my brother about going back to the oil plant and making 72,000 a year to start Wow, and I thought about my time in LA and what a beauty and he wrote like the people he had met No, yeah, and I got it. You know, I wasn't mad at him and nothing. I thought I just The way he used his words and I remember I started on the road. I started in the hotel computers

And it was a horror show So I'm sorry. So you read his blog and you got inspired to actually write something like this No, it was just I thought about why it's a comic Doesn't write listen when I want a good writer writes an article on the paper. He writes a weekly column Yeah, and then people go up to him go, you're Lisa. Yeah, holy shit I can't wait to read you every tuesday with the u.s.c. tutorial Yeah, what's really going on? You got a guy that slams Dana or Are you all I'm not saying that I'm just saying a guy that slams the fighters or steroid or or the vegas stuff with the

Testing just somebody who's honest, you know after eight weeks people get to know who you are Why aren't comics doing this and I started writing and dying and caught I realized how Not dumb but how grammar Grammarically Grammarically, I was gone. I was gone. I was gone, guys, gone. I had forgotten how to use eyes The only thing I remembered was how to space like the first sentence would be on top Everything else like you

why you Why are you apostrophe re? You are yeah, yeah, and you know how much shit people gave me on the internet until I started looking it up and remembering But I overcame it by getting on that computer every monday at five a.m No matter where I was And fucking you know I'd have an idea during the week of what I was going to write every week I'd write a I'd be taking notes during the week. So I had a An outline and one day morning I would write it and it kept me sharp for a while. It really opened up

Just writing just writing creatively on a monday morning You know there was a comic in town that said that every day he wrote something different monday's he did poetry Tuesdays he wrote a song Wednesday he fucking wrote a joke Thursday. He wrote his biography. Yeah, I thought that was very interesting because So what I started doing at the time was instead of sitting at starbucks smoking dope with a fucking pen With a pen in your mouth. What you do is you write two things at once So you're writing your biography to stretch the muscle And while you stretch the muscle you're constantly writing

So you're not that hour. You're just not there staring into fucking space when you write. Do you write pen to paper? Do you go to keyboard now? I would rather prefer the fucking pen to paper But then I got to go to I got to be a fucking monkey and put it back up and then figure out what the fuck I wrote when I was I So now I just go on lit lift And I write on there and then I look the next day and it's a horror show and I erase two senses I'm gonna look it up. Lit lift is an app or something. Lit lift.com is an app online. Oh, cool. Not an app in your phone Oh, it's not in my world. I don't have nothing on my phone. I got evernote evernote. It's pretty good. What's evernote?

evernote is this uh It's this app and it goes from your it'll be on your phone and your your uh your mac And and so it's so all your notes will be across every platform your ipad your computer your phone I'll show you what it looks like Looks like this. It's a little to that green elephant evernote. Very nice. It's all the stuff's in there So it's all in there Daryl, you can't show him these things because then he's gonna get it I know either me or his wife is gonna get a call when you look at freaks

And we're gonna leave everything in there and call it with that fucking evernote. I wrote my shit and then it disappeared Fuck him Oh, yeah, I get furious when somebody recommends something. It's kaput. It's a fucking shivago evernote. Oh, I will fucking torment you You could say voicemails or two you ever have a voicemail You really like you could hit send and you could send it to your evernote. So you're I'll do it tomorrow I doubt it you are the fucking time shows, right? Yeah, it was how many times Unfortunately, I did it once only once. Yeah, jaylon. Do you like it? He did

Yeah He liked me. It was great. It was it was the best way to discover you They saw me at the ice house in pasadena. I didn't even know I didn't even know a showcase I wasn't a showcase and I just they just happened to see me and they and at the time the talent coordinators they go You know, you almost have a set they go you need like just two more minutes Two more minutes and you could have a set so they work with me on the set for like a year and honestly it's like It became it was actually pretty annoying at the time because you know, you're killing joe You're gonna go up and you're gonna do your set you're gonna and they're going every every single word, you know

Like every single word and I I don't think you know Like I would do a certain joke and they were like it doesn't make like I used to do this joke about because I'm a you know Red guy and the joke at the time was I go Hey, you guys ever heard the expression slap you like a red-headed stepchild and then I'd look all sad I have so at the time it was cute and you know And the guy goes I don't get why would you be slapped like a wet-headed? I go no no no wet-headed red-headed I'm like a red You know, he never heard the expression

I did a joke about um I'm just whatever it was like I felt like I was trying to convince them like this stuff works Trust me on this and then they were like well, you should probably say this you should say that and you know I played the game. I did the show It rocked, you know Yeah, you've had a lot you've been who is it? Yeah, I remember I did the cd. I remember I had the cd at the time

I have three cds now at that time you go you see you deserve a cd You've been on the tonight show after these cocksuckers. They have cds. They're not even on anything You know, I was like, oh, thanks joey like that's cool Well, yeah, you know listen. I grew up on 11 comedians in my world. Yeah, that was I fans of them. Yes and no I recognized them from different shows David Brenner, ba ba ba ba ba Red fox, uh, freddie prince Uh, the one chick, you know, I knew yes, steve martin

Uh, ba ba ba the other who the fuck knows I like ba ba ba ba and I would go to a store and I go Let me see who's got albums. Yeah, and I would look and out of the 11 guys that I knew five of them had albums So I figured in your personal career. You had to reach a certain plateau. Yeah before you put out a fucking album Well, 1999 Something really weird happened in this town Everybody started selling CDs The word got out that there was a living on the road. Yeah Selling CDs, I remember the other comedians had CDs before I did and I was like, oh, man

I'll buy your CD. It's awesome. And then you'd listen to it and you'd be like, this isn't that good like that. Oh my god And and and this went on for two or three years comics that were dying at the improv six nights a week Yeah, we're taping the CDs with that company and oh, yeah, this company without even editing them Or was it just like a recording of that? Yeah, they added it and they put it together and then the company sold it for you And you walked around and secure because nobody approached you and it was the weirdest fucking thing, lee It was this thing that and you were going how the fuck this guy is a fucking mc You go do a show in texas lee and the people come up to you go. Hey, man You have something to sell. No the mc sold t-shirts and a cd the headline is so

And I would go, how do you fucking people sleep at night? Like what the fuck you it became I went to I went to this comedy club one time that Everybody had sold that Like the whole place the walls had sponsors. Yeah, like after the show a guy would hold on Let me get your pay and a dentist would come over and give you 200 or lawyer would give you 200 The dude who sold flowers and meat because they put billboards up. That's how they paid you the club didn't pay it Wow, it was the weirdest

I did like two or three clubs like that and then if they sold tickets the club would give you like an extra Here's a hundred dollars, man. You did really well tonight. You don't even know these fucking people. They didn't know you were There's nothing open. The only thing that's open is a fucking the police station, you know in those days That's it. That's nothing. That's open when this place when I went the headliner would get off stage The town shut down. There was no pussy the hotel that you had to ring the bell And some lady answered. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you have no ideally It's suck back there. You know what? No, not only I'm back. That was pretty we didn't have cell phones back then you go on the road You just got like a bag of quarters. Maybe a calling card

You know calling cards. I gave those people a half a fucking million dollars You call your answer machine if it rang for like once, you know, wasn't something like if it rang four times Then no messages if it rang once you have a message. I mean all this bullshit, you know, but yeah with sponsors and stuff It was uh comedy became something else and I didn't crack I didn't crack till vigtum lock came to me. Yeah with his company out of las vegas Laughing hyena, whatever the fuck they are and we did that cd at the ice house And they gave me uh 15 dollars a minute and I remember sitting there

Stretching the mother fucker that I ran that light. I did the fucking hour and a half Yeah, and when they called me and said I remember them going like 46 minutes And I'm like my head just started clicking times 15 dollars. That's great. That was like a huge paycheck for me Then they gave me 100 cds to sell. I threw them away I didn't sell one of them. Wow And they were like, hey, you want more boxes because I think the first deal they gave you the second they charge 899 god, I heard you sold them for 10 people were doing that. Oh my god. It was terribly So I said, you know what I ain't selling no more and they started selling my truck stops and shit

Yeah, it was just awful. I heard jeff fox were these you might be a redneck His first one was uh, like he they gave him 400 bucks for it back in the 80s and then that shit went on, you know He's famous from that. You might be a redneck The guys that gave me my cd deal. The first one was uh, um The lane brothers, you know up in uh, did you ever do planet gemini and monoray? The reason I did is they had they used to be Recording artists in canada. So they had a they had it all set up in the club You know back. I mean now you could do it anywhere, but like at the time I was like, oh

Like you should make cd. We'll do we'll help you. We'll produce it. We'll record it. So I I thank them for getting me into that that world, you know That world of having a cd having you know having it on serious exam in these places I never wanted to tape a fucking cd. I never really thought I was good enough When I taped those cds, I can't lie to you early on it was for coke money I looked at it just for coke money to send child support or whatever fucking necessity I had in those days, you know, yeah, it was never to me. I I wasn't gonna hulk it So it wasn't gonna get out there

Why wouldn't you sell it are you fucking kid? That's not what I want to do. I knew those things was shitty I just went up there that like I said, I would sit at home I never forget sitting at home was a sunday night show And they wired the ice house And sitting at home and going i'm just going up there throwing an hour and a half together And hopefully it'll keep an hour like an hour was like 3000 bucks. Lee. They were gonna give me a check for But I got 47 minutes or something I forget what the fucking figure was but I wasn't thinking

From an artist standpoint. I was thinking from a junkies fucking standpoint, you know, I sold two of them like that I did two of those deals Like that that somebody made a lot of money. We did the thing at the ice house The latino something festival that got sold over to Like the dude already had him sold. He sold 400 000 copies the local thing before k-loco Payaso how many times before payaso This is nine. This is 2002. They gave us $1500 At that those again lee $1500 in my world

In 2001 2002 Was 20 fucking million dollars to a normal person They said would they come up to the ice house and they'll fucking tape. It was done through jan Jan ran the whole deal. That's why when I got mad. I almost sued jan Because I bumped into a soldier and he goes bro, how much money you get for this and I go 1500 bucks Why he goes I went to like six different places where they have like uh stuff for soldiers Yeah, this was at all of them He goes all of them and every soldier's buying them because they're into fucking comedy

And they couldn't bootleg shit over there. So they were buying them. They sold 400 copies We were supposed to get 3 rooty me jeff garcia. Oh, shit. Everybody got beat. Yes So I contacted rooty finally in 2005 I had an attorney with rooty and a couple of us went after them Yeah, and they had 19 companies. I mean it was weird like you just wow they robbed me But now you know that that's the deal 90% of the times when these guys when they give you money, they'll say, yeah You know, so wait a second. So hold on. Let me let me get this straight

Yeah, so my buddy Lee who is a part-time sound engineer. They'll come in we could rent the equipment, right Lee? Yeah, we go rent the equipment correctly. I'm just asking sure we go to harvies and hollywood rent the equipment wire it We could even pay a guy 500 miles to wire the room for us sitting there Tape two shows charged 10 bucks at the door Right we could everybody can make money here And then you guys take it clean it up Take a picture of me send some fucking 8th grader to take a picture of me with a phone With ukulele you put some graphic designers for another hundred you're on a cd and you have a cd

How much is the case with the cd now in hollywood? 99 thousand oh thousand of them you could get them with taped on them. Okay You know at least I had you me and Darren because why is some place we get for free and guess what? You're going to charge the comedian right off the bat. Yeah the comedian. You know, so the very guy that recorded it It's amazing. So we could do this for 3,100 dollars, but when you get the bill from them, they're like, oh no it cost us 22,000 that was a guy from water brothers that shot Jurassic Park the first one He won an academy award not really him his brother

But he lives under his idyllion now because the brother went to Mexico and you're sitting there listening to this going Wait, it's that he's multi channel. I have friends that tape this shit for three thousand dollars. What are you telling me 36,000? So even though they'll sell 400,000 copies They're telling you that it was oh, yeah, yeah, but it cost us $325,000 to produce it tell me like what that company tried to do they tried to hire you for 18 dollars an hour Half what you usually make and then pay us no money They want to pay you wholesale right and pay us wholesale And that's how they make a shitload of money and they release a cd and a dvd

Especially and bang it out for 20 dollars and they tell you the same thing. It's like when you get a book deal They give you a hundred thousand dollar advance on your first book. You're not going to see another fucking dollar You're not going to see another fucking dollar on the second one Yeah, they'll start sending and then if you become steven king They fucking walk the check to the house and rub you. What do you think you'll do with your with the book? Because I know you're writing a book. Are you going to self-publish or go through a company? I don't know. I don't know. I have a guy because you think about that right you think about Absolutely everything you just said you're like man if I you know because you have an operation and people love you

They know you and it's like you know you have a thing online and you want to do the but listen Yeah, you walk into a bookstore. You see the book you wrote for 22 95 Yeah, and you didn't get a dime from that Meanwhile, you could put the book on for and you know that the people that work hard They're gonna look at this book and go Joe. We're gonna buy it for you with 22 dollars for a soft cover Who the fuck are you? What the fuck are you? Well, meanwhile you can put the same book out with pictures and a little bit more intimate

You know, these are your fingers type deal You can charge five bucks on an e-book and people love that shit. Yeah, they want to order the soft cover leaves the fucking In charge of the soft cover production. They'll staple it for you Yeah, you'll even get to watch Netflix you'll even get to watch your show You just sit there stapling and as you're watching the largest the new black get the fuck out of here Gracie borough leads. Thank you for listening sovara Happy birthday. Whatever the fucking name is Quinn. I love you cuckuckin

Patrick the gear whatever George harry henderson know around and john shoe I don't know who the fuck these people are but you know, I love you Don't forget i'm gonna be a wise guys this weekend in salt lake city And next week and laugh motherfucking boston. You know what i'm saying? Where you you still travel a lot? I still travel. Yeah twitter at durin carter. I put my dates up there on my website durincarter.com i'm gonna be uh Thursday july 2nd. I'll be at the ice house with steve symone stage two

At the the ice house and i'm at flappers this weekend father's day weekend Friday, saturday sunday. Look at you sure right there in your backyard with the christians. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, then i'm going texas Speaking of hyenas. Yeah. Are you going to hyenas? Yeah, yeah randy still he's got one. He's still around. No, he's got three of them now I'm gonna be i'm gonna be in dallas fort worth and then he has a new one in the I don't know what part of town it's like they say it's the wealthy area wherever that is uh Frisco or he's done well from something like that the fucking the condo they put in in dallas Oh my god, it's a hotel. It's a hotel now. So i don't know what it was like back in

I got some good fucking blow there the bartender was dirty and white Oh, she was highly dirty and white and she had a dirty boyfriend And he used to sell a coke for like 10 bucks and she'd give it to me and The right behind there. There was a black dude that cooked pork chops And he put it on white bread He had the hot sauce with the crust around and black hair and shit You didn't give a fuck Lee. He just took the hot sauce and he'd have cans of soda for a dollar Pork chop fucking sandwich outside the county. He's gonna subway. No, don't take my buddy alone

He's got turkey at the house now. Correct. Um, I can't I'm not gonna eat tonight. Why not? Because you eat this late. They need like it just sits there. So You're gonna fucking eat tonight. All right. What do you got at the house to eat? Tell me the truth Not much Paul and I like I haven't gone on the story yet this week Sure, you're right. You're big money. He's at lunch dinner eggs Eggs for everybody frescoes dimes juice. Thanks for everybody. He's a big shot Lee Wait till next April. You're sitting here. I don't know what I'm gonna do

Hey, I'll tax money. I'm gonna say yeah the breakfast. I know we never go for breakfast. No, you don't do nothing You're the only you cook breakfast. We do The fuck out of you haven't cooked an egg in 10 fucking years. I was good at it But then I've kind of gone downhill. I always break the yolk And then you just didn't just scramble that motherfucker. I know I do but it just did I Put on a bagel with a nice tomato slice or salt and pepper. Who's been tomato? It's a contrast. The tomato cools down the fucking egg. Lee. I'm trying to teach you how to do But then you have hot tomato. That's the worst. What hot tomato? You have no hot tomato still

Lee I'm talking then you get the hot sauce and you pour it on the bread so it gets in that absorbs it The Frank's hot sauce What do you think you're dealing with today? I went to date not a big wings with my wife He did you fucking got six wings banging Lee the blue cheese was banging the celery. I must eat 80 pieces of sticks with I love the celery now. Yeah, you don't like the carrots. I like carrots. No, I don't touch those fucking carrots I don't like they're too hard for me Carrots remind me of prison every time I eat a lot of carrots in prison because you're hungry. You know what I'm saying?

Ron Jeremy back That's the same thing I thought about I don't know Ron Jeremy played a harmonica Between fucking that was a weird show. What did he do? Ron Jeremy came in with Dennis off. I love You know what that book is at the top of the desk and every time I'm gonna fly I'm gonna take that book to read and I always forget. I gotta take it. I gotta put it in the fucking bag and read it Darren you've been around this town for a long time and that Right there. That's a talent

That's what people don't get in this town that you're gonna have highs and lows and what burns me up about this town is Since we've been here a lot of people have come and gone Yeah, people with big dreams that cornage at the store with three drinks in here and told you how cbs Was gonna give him six hundred thousand dollars and you're sitting there Look at that these guys going wow this guy really believes this and then when they disappeared, you know and to think we're still here We're still doing spots. You know we're still Irrelevant we're still in the game. We still get spots. Yeah, you know, I'm not I'm not crying to you going I don't know what's going on

You know, I'm sick and tired of going to the store on mondays and waiting around for them to pick me Those days would never either we in my world. I went for it like a barracuda Yeah, and I went for him once I bit in I sank my teeth and I got better and I And that's the name of the game. I really got to applaud you and I wanted to put you on for a long time I just didn't know what to talk about and I really wanted to talk about the pain of Wanting because we don't have parents I thought it was really important to get it out. There's a lot of people out there that lost their parents That they sent me emails. They listened to the show

I think yeah, you know, I think about that especially on like father's day mother's day like the real parents not, you know Like and I gotta say being a dad now like my son is absolutely It's like now it's like starting over like a fresh start and I love my son so much. You know, I really appreciate Being a father and being the best father that I can be to him, you know, like like like a strong bond like I You know, like I said, I talked to my real dad today. Like I'll call it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I did It's like, you know, I I talked to him. I hadn't talked to him in a while Like, you know, I haven't talked to this. This is the first time I talked to him this year You know and and when I do that he's

How old is he now? He's in the 70s, you know, he's a character. He he's very regretful He he stopped partying when he was like, you know, probably like in his 50s You know, so he he said he got his life together in his 50s, you know, and you know He's a character man. I like him when I do but it's not a father though It's like a it's like a character. It's like a friend or or like a you know, he is my dad but it's You know, he'll tell me these stories and I'm like, um, it's it's entertaining, but I'm like, you know

You know what I mean? Like come on dude. He went to fucking San Quentin You know and these bar fights and stuff and how they, you know, he used to be a Another bounty hunter but a collector and all that kind of stuff. It's weird. Like I'm I'm a very That's the word like docile. I'm very Peaceful peaceful. That's the word and then this dude is like the you know, when he was, you know, a big It's the crazy biker guy, but but now he's calmed down and so yeah, I talk to him and stuff and You know, I do have a little bit of I do have a connection with him But I got to say with my son, you know, that's that's that's a whole of the world, you know

It's every time I see him my son several times a day I mean, he probably thinks I'm weird, but I'm like austin. Give me a hug. Stop. Just give me a hug You know, and I hug him all the time A lot. I love hanging out with him. I love being his dad and you know It's uh, when you talk about mercy, it's like I love it, you know You know, you

It's it's a new beginning, right? You know, it's been very interesting and it's very interesting what I've learned about myself by looking at her Yeah Do little things I'm like Jesus Christ. That was me Tonight when I left she had a backpack on a hat glasses beads two bankies A bottle and a thing of cereal on a container

As she was trying to climb up the bed and my wife looks at me and I go, you know, Terry, you act surprised I knew it. I I've known this For a couple months that she's out of a fucking mind. Yeah Yeah, and I love it and in my world. I'm not going to fight what she is She's already I could see where we're going. It doesn't take a fucking genius. You look at her. I see my mom I see a little bit of me. Yeah, you do. I see a little bit of my wife I see a little bit of my dad or what I think it's my dad. I see a little bit of her granddad So it's very interesting how everything comes to light in front of you

So when you look at your son in a way, yeah, he could be a there's a piece of me. It just makes sense, man. It just Lee someday you're gonna look at your boy. You're gonna be a great dad. Lee. I can tell you want to do it I do but Friday's there's no nine fucking shows. So you gotta get up and throw the bowl around But I was thinking about when he told me he was going to be on because I grew up with a dad like you My dad worked nights all the time And then like weekends and like I noticed it. I was never like upset I never really cared about him not being at sports or things But I noticed that you guys do make an effort to

To like really be there for your kids and it's like with that kind of job There are going to be things that you're going to have to miss which sucks But it's like you have to gauge how much it's going to Affect them. I've said it once. Yeah, I've said it a thousand times There's no perfect parent and there's no perfect book on parenting But once you have a child unless you're fucking retarded or an embassy You immediately as you're raising your child you see the holes You know your mom tried real hard, but she was a new mom

So now you have a chance to fill the holes that she didn't Because now you know what you think you needed Are you with me sometimes? You know what he needs his hug because I didn't get that hug eight times a fucking day You know, I didn't have somebody to look at me every hour on the hour. Oh, you know, I love you, right? And they look you don't know what the fuck you're talking about, but eventually I think so. Yeah, okay. You're gonna irritate them. You got to remind them So on the way out if something does bad happen to you god forbid He's gonna go, you know what the last time I seen that kind of sucker

He told me you love me So you go yo go in your room pick up the fucking room and pick up that pencil and do your homework daddy I don't love you no more after and right away. I gotta go. You're not gonna do what I don't want to talk to you Just remember one thing. I love you cocksucker They always know that that's That's the doubt I had about my dad my mom. I know my mom loved me I know I I don't have I could never sit to one of you guys and cry and say

She did the things she did because That you know, she came from a family of nine and they lived in a fucking bedroom Yeah, so she never wanted me to be poor. So she gave me my own bedroom. She Went out of her way and that's what we do. We try to get and that's it. It's such a cliche It's such a cliche, you know You want your child to go to college even though you sit and go it's 2015 Kids are getting fucked in the ass already go to college You know, what's it gonna be like in 2035?

You don't have to suck 18 dicks just to get into admissions and your daughter's gonna have to do porn and your son's gotta be You know, how much is it gonna cost to put your son in college in 35 20 fucking years if it costs this now How much more overpopulated but you know what we don't have to worry about right that right now Darren card. I love you cocksucker. I love you man. I love this podcast. I love Thank you, man. I love it. This is one of my favorite ones. I listen to it I'm like, god, you guys motivate me like that thing you said about getting up early on monday's just take the world by the ball No, what are you gonna do? What are you gonna do sit there? Don't get me started leekers. I could ride

You know, I love you leeker. I had to say that to you because you know, you were here and you get us Forget it every day. Everybody needs get us every day. The first thing we do is party church members We got a responsibility to our families our friends our habits Our co-cabinets whatever habit you have your responsibility to it So the first thing on your plate every morning Is get us because long gone when everybody else is gone At least you're gonna have that half a yard and if you do what you do We'll take you two hours to make that half a yard

But there's no way in this world today if you're trying to get ahead On a friday, can you sit there for 22 hours at once? Did you go to subway that day? No, we didn't go to subway. You only left to eat, didn't you? No, we go to the gym Joey see what I did on the back of these CDs I did that as a sort of a gift to myself and my son. I put them on the back of each one Just because I love him so much That's very nice. Isn't that cool?

Look at me giggle Stay at home stripper Armenian farmer chocolate diet snoop line You're bad motherfuckers who produced these judy browns. Hell. No fuck that dirty bitch. Look at that She's over there taking more money more money more money 15% she wants to book in ontario. What the fuck without another vibe, you know what I'm saying? Lee, what's up with your world talk to me? Uh, I might be going to toronto this summer. I'm really excited. You ain't going nowhere, right?

You haven't even got clearance from uncle joe. You can't go no one You listen you're jewish. They think I got nazis up in toronto I don't they got good people And then it's all over who you going up this to mom? Yeah, that's a pop place Uh, yeah, he's gonna do that, but I'm gonna do a live flying to radio and uh podcast summer A live flying to radio you and samon. Uh, well samon maybe but then also the uh Since my podcast is about like younger people doing stuff. I had the promoter is going to be on it So I thought like young comedians could come in

Like hear it from a the promoter support of you The least I like I like that. He's got a thing. What were you doing at 25? I like it. That's what he's trying to do. He's got people So, yeah, so just look out for it on twitter. I know I'm high right now, but I know you're very excited Your wife gave me tickets for infected mushroom Till I second I got two hits of ecstasy Are you going with her? Hell, yeah, you want some ecstasy? Can you dose it? We'll just take some stars, dude. No, there's no stars

Stars are yes. That'd be so cool. There's no stars there. You got to take uh, you got to jump up and down with some ecstasy and then get it home and You know dabble it with the fucking jewish. I mean get juice. Just dab it on it Drop that fucking dirty. You doing all right. I'm doing great, man. Good. Good. Good. Good. Let's go to our people here So we could fucking abandon ship for starters on it.com. I love these motherfuckers right here people Always a fucking a handful away alpha brain The starship product the motherfucking product that put them on the map. You understand me complete earth-grown Neutropic with alpha gpc and ac 11. Ask me what ac 11 is. I have no fucking idea But it's ac and 11. It's got to be good for you somewhere along the line. No, no, no. I'm joking. Let me tell you

Money 100% money back Guarantee and they don't want the fucking product back. All right. That's on it.com for you Go to on it. See the great selection of other health supplements that they have Whether it's the shroom tech Whether it's the new mood, whether it's the ham protein, whether it's the tea Uh, testosterone to get you recovery and stuff like that. They got an assortment of things. Don't listen to me. I'm a fucking moron Go to on it.com do me the favor

You know, i'm here on a monday night with you cocksuckers go to on it.com See the great selection of the tropics, whatever they got Go into the box and press it church Boom and get 10 off, all right You also got the fucking uh Stay on it program where they mail it directly to your house on the first no drama You can put it on your card however you want to do it, all right

Number two, you think i'm quitting smoking or you think i'm walking around like johnny bananas heady six They got a cigar 1200 guaranteed hits and they also got Other e-hit cigarettes from zero to 24 milligrams. It goes down to 16 and eight, all right But the most important thing about heady six 1200 guaranteed puffs You're sitting there going to 7 11 hanging out with those ices motherfuckers buying those Israeli fucking a cigarettes Wait till one of them blows up in your fucking eyeball and you got a patch. That's what happened for the god

It sells me ash a heat cigarette blew up The one i drew and it didn't blow up here blow up in belgium. He was hanging out some oxygen. I don't know what the fuck happened I don't ask questions, but anyway, if you were the one with heady six cigarettes, he would still have two He would still have two fucking eyes, you understand me my point is Go to heady six dot com right now and look at the great selection of flavors. They have but most importantly tremendous E-cigarettes and cigars go to the box and press in joey church And get 20 percent off five for 50 five for 50. I'm sorry five for 50. Who the fuck you think you're dealing with? They usually 16 1999 we're gonna give you five for 50 get a cigar and get the 32 the 26 the eight the

And get the zero cocksucker right now that we got that over with How about los guis hermanos a k a another life What nail the life dot com you want a vapor pen those are the motherfuckers to hook up dave and his brother What's his name? Peter they're there for your customer service. In fact some kid hit me on facebook. Yeah, they gotta hit them back Something happened with a vapor pen delivery. I don't know something happened. I don't ask questions. Got nothing to do with me Anyway, go to nail that life dot com a k a los guis hermanos

They're not going to send you fucking los guis hermanos in the mail What they will send you is a vapor pen and you can make your own vapor Take a chance columbus did right around go to discovery. I don't fucking know They got the best vapor pen in the market garen fucking team and if something happens, they'll send you a new vapor pen They're usually 50. They're giving you what 20 which makes it what 40 fucking guisines for the best vapor pen in the market Go to nail the life dot com and press in joey ds And get the best And get 20 percent off the best vapor pen out there in the market

Also iron dragon tv go to iron dragon tv right now and receive two classic martial art films Go to the box and press in joey And get two movies sent delivered right to your fucking house. All right Darren card of the party. I love you cock. You gotta be at the ice house. Where else? I love you. Thank you Dallas heinous. I don't know. It's on my website. You're better in credit dot com Don't eat the pound cake at the condo. I won't at least. Yeah, what's up in your world? You know, I love you looking smooth tonight As usual your bad motherfucking jew ain't gonna be gonna take that for me. You know what I'm saying?

Well listen to listen to paul on flange radio then Nice. Got a couple of cds. Stay at home strippers on itunes and amazon And that gin just crazy Did you did you say your dates joey? Huh? Did you say your dates yet? Something about utah. I'm in utah this weekend wise guys Salt Lake

In the valley. We're gonna have a use time a good time Okay These shows by on it dot com You're gonna eat that hersey bark. No, no right now. I'll wait. I'll wait until I have calories Go to honor.com. We use code word church to get 10% off all the great optimization products Go to hit e six dot com Better tasting longer lasting the proof is in the vape east cigarettes and e-cigars Use code word joey's church to get five for 50

And go to nail that life dot com also low screw me sermanos And use code word joey ds to get 20 off the premier vapor pen on the market You Never mentions the word addiction Oh In certain company Gents should tell you she's an orphan After you meet her family

Oh Oh Oh Oh She paints her eyes as black as not now She pulls her shade down time Girl give a smile when the pain comes Hey now only thing to make it all right

Said she talked to angel There they call around by her name Oh They call By her name Oh, yeah She keeps her lock up air in her pocket She wears a cross around her neck

And say that the care was from all of them boys The cross from someone she had not met No not yet Said she talked to the angel And they call around by her name Well she talks to angel And they call around by her name She don't know no lover

None that I ever see To her that don't need nothing But to me To me It's everything It's everything Oh Well she paints her eyes as black as the night

You know she pulls her shades on down time Said my girl want to give a smile when the pain comes Hey now only thing gonna make it all right Said she talked to the angel Well they call around by her name Well they talk to angel And they call around by her name Well she talks to the angel

And they call around by her name Oh she talks to the angel And they call around Oh they call around Don't you know that They call around by her name By her name You