Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #292 - Aida Rodriguez

Episode Date: June 18, 2015

Aida Rodriguez, Comedian, a Finalist on Season 8 of Last Comic Standing, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Blue Apron. Blue Apron sends gourmet recipes and all the fresh ingredients you need to make them right to your door. Use code word Joey and get your first two meals free! Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   
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   Music:
 Freddie's Dead - Curtis MayfieldBurning Sky - Bad Company  

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they're going to also give you free shipping in the United States and Canada. Lastly, but not leastly, go to onit.com and use Code Word Church to get 10% off of all their great optimization products like Alpha Brain, New Mood, Shroom Tech, Immune, Shroom Tech Sport. It's Code Word Church to get 10% off. Just when you thought it was safe, they're taking funk back into your living room, motherfuckers. June 17th, 2015, what does it get, baby? Oh shit, the church of what's happening now, at least I act.

Uncle Joe, my main homie, Ada, Rodriguez, I'm looking like Whitney on the first dial and this shit tonight. Now Fred is dead. What's happening, Ada? That's a good fucking out. I'm the first Whitney Houston out. Absolutely was. The one with the hairdo.

She was like, I don't even know how old she was. That's a good fucking out. Lee, what's the story, Doug? I'm doing good. I died last night, but I'm doing good today. What happened to you? I just, it's my third Dujitsu class and I think this was the first time that he went hard on me.

So we did, it was all shots and we did one for one, so I do one and he do one. And the first couple of times I went, I was with this really small dude, but this time it was a big dude. The guy was even bigger than me. And after that four minutes, I got like 45 minutes through class and I had to stop. It's an hour and a half class and I couldn't, after 45 minutes, I all thought I was gone. The only other time I've thrown up in sports is freshman football practice and it was hot in the summer and I had all those pads on and that fucking ghee.

Dujitsu grappling? Yeah. I mean, it's my third class. So I'm not doing anything yet, but it's, it was just, it kept, I've never had like what you're saying when you think you're going to pass out, but it just kept getting hotter and it was like a hundred degrees yesterday in the valley and I thought I was going to pass out. I just took my ghee off in the room.

I just sat down. My leg started like shaking. It was bad. I'm worried about you. You said you haven't done anything and it's your third class and you thought you were going to die? It was, what it was, it's shots. So it's like you're, you're sliding in there and you have to lift the other person up and

throw them and then get up and then they do it to you and then you have to get up and do it and it's, you're not supposed to stop. So it's just like, I had gotten through two other classes at an hour and a half, but just that, those four minutes just killed me and Zach was really cool about it. No, Zach, people are not listening. You work up endurance in those classes. You know, people always go, well, I got to get in shape to go in there. No, you know, you're going to get in shape when you're going in there.

Well, if you go to a strength training class at the YMCA and you haven't worked out in a year, it's the first fucking two weeks going to be a little rough, but then you get the breathing technique down. You start eating better. You sleep the night before and there's just little adjustments that you make. And the same thing with you. I told you that it was like the first time when I saw stars. I left there like in shock.

Like my body was in fucking shock. Like what the fuck just happened to me? I was on my back breathing heavy. You can't breathe. Oh yeah, I couldn't. You can't, it's hot. So the air is on the bottom. It's kind of warm and that guy makes it 2000 times harder, quicker.

Your body can't handle it if you're not used to it. I couldn't cool down because when I first started feeling sick, I just stood up and like we all just took a few minutes, but it just, it kept getting hotter. Usually like, I would, like I learned in wrestling to like raise your head, your arms above your heads, you can breathe and all that stuff. But it just, I had to turn one of those fans on that they have in the windows and I just sat underneath and I was like, I can't fucking. And next, bro, next week you do 47 minutes and the week after that you do

15 minutes. And next thing you know, you know, it's a, and that's where people quit. Yeah. That's right there. That's people's breaking point, man. That was too hard for me. No, it's not. It's going to get easier.

The more you go, you know, so right, it's like fucking stand up. A lot of, to me, anything like that is just showing up, just keep showing up. You're going to have good days. You're going to have bad days, but you keep showing up and you're going to see people dropping them off next to you. You're going to go, why, why are they dropping off? This is easy. It's like muscle memory.

You know, where'd you start comedy? I started here. Did you? So you moved here to start here. Well, I was here before. Yeah, I moved here and I started here and it was not easy. It was not easy here because here you are going up against people who have TV shows, even if they're not like the best comedians.

They're just famous and being a girl. And it's exactly what you said. I started with a bunch of people who no longer do stand up. They quit. You know, a lot of people come out here and they have some money saved or their debt gives them a credit card or they come out of college and I don't think they understand the amount of work that goes into this process. They really don't.

I don't think they understand the amount of work that goes into anything of this magnitude or it's acting, whether it's screenwriting, whether it's, excuse me, whether you get into a play or maybe you're a dancer and on a play. You know, I heard those people rehearsed 10 hours a fucking day on Broadway. 10 hour days. I can't fucking rehearse 10 hours the same shit, regurgitating over and fucking over. That's why I didn't do a play because, you know, but just anything like that.

You know, when you, when I was an electrician, okay, I went to CMC, Colorado Mountain College and I took a course on basic wiring and the fucking, the guy that taught the course was an electrical, what do you call those people? Engineer? No, the other ones, the one that do the inspections. And one day he goes, are you doing this as a job? And I go, no, I'm just trying to cut glasses. He goes, why don't you do this as a job?

You're not bad at this in the classroom because you would take it to a house that was under construction and make you wire it for the final exam. So I go, I don't even know where to go. He goes, here, take this job over here. And then we're getting the job there. I don't know what they started me at. Maybe eight bucks an hour. But the guys that got to you here for like two years will give you 15.

And you get, and I was like, two years, two fucking years. Seems like when you're 20, you don't understand two fucking years. Even when you're 30, you start to understand to be like two years. I don't know. I could sell Coke. Yeah. In two years, I could be a fucking millionaire selling Coke with two years, fucking carrying toilets and shit and drilling holes.

But, you know, if I would have stuck with it, like I stuck with it for six months when I didn't make 55,000 a year, I quit. And I did that with everything, you know? And but I knew that once I got into comedy, I knew that for me to even get the first base, I had to work my ass off. Right. You know, but you love doing it, though. Fuck yeah, I love.

Yeah, I watch you. You're one of the people that I watch because I can tell who's lying on stage and some people lie and win. And then I can tell who's like telling their truth. And I always watch you. And I'm like, why can't we get to that right there? Well, it's a process because you try to okey-doke your feelings. Yes.

Society okey-dokes your feelings. And with me, I saw Doug Stanhope in 96. And I had never seen anybody that honest on stage. Like everything, like, you know, my girlfriend and me just broke up, you know, all that. I just came back from supporting the truth. How about a big round of applause for the truth? There was none of that shit. He went into it about his mother's tits that she bent over and his mother's

pussy like a spider, you know, and I'm sitting there going, no, he did not. And that's the bit of truth is the whole thing. It's the whole thing with Stanhope. And I know what you're saying when you go down to a club, you know, you you know, the people who come here, get a big time agent. And now they're working for a TV show and a deal. And you can tell once the the deal comes along, they'll stop doing stand up. Yeah. And what a mistake that is.

Absolutely. You know, and I can't. I saw a lot of those people here. It's like when these Saturday Night Live guys, they get fired and they try to do stand up. And it's the worst thing you've ever seen in life, because what you do on Saturday Night Live is bad enough. You know, it's bad enough. Now you're going to do the fucking artist stand up and you can't really transcend it. They think in their mind, I could do this for so many people.

Fuck you. That's right. Fuck you. That shit on TV with a fucking director saying cut and all the A.D.s and all the fucking interns from NYU giggling. They just happen to be on the set with those dirty fucks. And they're all giggling. Look how funny they are. Those motherfuckers go out into the world.

The other night, I got to tell you, I went home and I was going through the channels and I stopped on Seth. Rogan. No, they got that from Santa. One that has like the news channel, the late night show. I left it on and I was in the kitchen feeding the cats. Oh, Myers. Brushed the cats. That's not good. Right. That's not that good.

That guy is sneaked into that guy's part of those people that wear the glasses. Well, Michael's produces all those shows. So that's just it's the same. It's really fucking wild how you see that. And you're like, this is part of that. We were talking about last night with those dudes that grow the thick mustaches so people could come after them and say, I love you guys. Yeah, the artsy guys, which in the end of the day, don't really make you laugh.

They just blown a smoke up your ass with intelligent words and you sit there. Oh, he's so thought provoking. He's a fucking mutt is what he is. He's a fucking mutt. That guy can't tell the truth to himself. Absolutely. He had a fucking good day. He couldn't tell the truth. Have you guys ever seen someone who like, let's say, was doing that kind of comedy,

like telling their truth, but then the audience just hates it? Like, that must suck. If you like finally like open up yourself and they just like no audience, like everyone hates you. What depends how you open up yourself. Yeah, I agree. If you go up on stage and say, I just got, you know, I just got cancer. They're going to fucking hate it, too.

You know, they got a cousin who got cancer. If you go up and say, I just I went to the doctor because it's in my nutsack and it's I got blown aides, you know, but if there's a way to say it, yeah, to be subtle and for you to get a laugh and for them to sympathize with you. But at the same time, laugh like Tigna, Tigna, Tara, when she got the breast cancer was really, really clever about and it was that same day that she went on stage. But it's about, I agree. I think nobody resents the truth, but people just don't.

Some people resent the truth. Well, well, most people are resent. No. And in this society that we live in here now, yeah, 68% of them don't want to hear the truth. They don't want to know the truth. They're so clogged into their world and how good they are for the world. Yes, you're right about that. I stand corrected.

That they know correctness is I see it in. I live in the heart of it in Studio City. These people are white fucking. There's a word for it that I don't want to say what they say. See, the real, real rich people, the real people that mad live by Rogan to live up in the Hollywood Hills, and you don't even know who they are. The people that are mid-range rich, like they've been on a writer for a show for three years, they all live in Studio City.

Yeah. And the parade around, they go to that fucking farmer's market and they fucking walk around, eat whatever the fuck they kale kale. And they, and then, but they do everything so people could see them when I go up there on Sundays. I see, you know, I've told Lee and I've laughed about this, you know, football season, OK, you know, you go up there, you see the guy pushing the carriage with the kids and you see the wife with the ugly girlfriend next to her saying, you're so lucky you have a great husband.

Meanwhile, this husband, Fox's secretary, number one, number two. Listen, I got a great wife because my wife never puts it on me. My wife never puts it on me. They go to a church that I don't really like, but they go there for the baby. Right. You understand me? But I'm from a different color church. It's like I was talking to a girl one time. She's like, oh, my God, you missed it today.

What's the guy from the drug show, the fucking show? Brian Cranston, Eric Baldwin. His father was there today. Oh, wow. OK, so when somebody comes up to you at the church, like, I went to just watch my daughter and the day care to watch her play with the kids and the girl was like, you weren't upstairs today? Oh, my God, Brian Cranston's father was up there right away. I couldn't go back to that church. Yes. And that's what it is. I get it.

They go to church to see who shows up. I remember going first, moving to LA and somebody going, you're a Catholic. Oh, my God, you have to go to that church on Santa Monica. Oh, yeah. Woods is is one of the ushers. And the other guy, you get to meet them. And I'm like, that's why you go to the church because you have to meet people because they think they're not working. They're networking.

That's the part that bugged me the most. I grew up Jewish and there's it's one. It's young people in Russia, Shanna. And every year I used to get pissed off because I'm not religious. I don't go every week. But people would go to that just to like be seen like they're always like this. The social event. I don't go to church.

Everyone else's hand. Yeah. Well, but most people in this town are social parasites. So they're always that whole networking thing. It goes into everything. It goes into church. It goes into the schools for the kids systems. Oh, my God. Yes. You know, who such and such is on the PTA.

And I'm like, it's what the fuck that I'm not here for that. I'm here to make sure my daughter can read when she leaves this bitch. Yeah, like this area here is so fucking fake. Yeah. And the thing that burns me up the most is like I go to Marie T. Have coffee sometimes and write. Oh, yeah, I go over there, too. That's a great place.

And if you ever go at nine, you really get sick to your stomach because you see the women come in with the yoga pants and they're always in a rush. You know, I go to the park. I didn't say about this week. I made a mistake the other night. So what? No, I never make that fucking mistake. I looked at my wife and I go, listen, we just sit here. Let's take it to the park at five o'clock in the afternoon on a Sunday night.

Took it to the park and she got in the swing. That little fucking dirty bitch of mine wouldn't get off the swing till 6 30. At 6 30, she kept going, no, daddy. The more swing, keep pushing more, more time, more time. But you know what? There was a little girl next to her on the swing. Cute little blonde girl, maybe five. I didn't she was by herself when she kept looking at me.

You know, Ada, it's not. Me to touch somebody else's kid and up problems. You know what I'm saying? Like when you look at me like I'm a fucking family. So I don't I don't mess with nobody's kids. My wife is, you know, Sarah fucking good shoes. I had to grab her one time and you just walked away from your kid. Yeah, but come here.

That's the number one kid. That's right. That could be that could be a Mexican trap. You go over there to help and your kids in a fucking van on the way to Tijuana. You never turn your back on your. That's right. I had to grab a tooth. I don't give a fuck the kid bleed. That could be a Mexican trap over there.

You turn around, your kids in a fucking van headed to fucking Tijuana. And what are you doing? You're trying to be Sarah. Sorry, fucking Sarah, trying to help some fucking kid. Mind your fucking business. But I go to that park. I do. It's true, man. That's very that's a very Cuban mentality.

Cuban, that's a New York City. And New York, yes. You don't turn your back on your child ever, ever, ever. I don't turn my back. People come up to him and say, oh, my God, I love your part. That's great, but not right now. I know. Because I can't look you in the eye. This is what I'm looking at right there.

I'm looking at that thing playing. I don't give a fuck about the podcast or what you think or whatever show you we worked on together. You didn't remember me? I'm friends with Cynthia. And she makes a nice show with you, the makeup girl. Remember, she has a daughter. Listen, I don't give a fuck, OK?

I got my child over there playing in Rocks. And you want to come over and tell me a long-winded story? Get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of here. I love this truth, though. I grew up in a house with this. This is what I grew up in a house with. Well, that's the thing, you know, it's the truth.

And people cannot handle it. Like, I've had the last year. Once I hit 49, once I hit 49, something took over me. When I hit 45, something took over me. When I stopped doing cocaine, the real Cuban in me came out. Oh, yeah. Because I remembered that before I was a comedian, and before I had to shake somebody's hand

because they were at the county store or whatever, I'm a man. That's right. And I had to act like a man, actually. And a man don't act like that. Like, look who's here. Oh, my God, you know, we go there because they go there. Oh, really? I'll go freeze my balls off to get, you know,

which I'm just surrounded by fucking sheep in this town. But that's the first thing I focused. Then the number two thing I focused was, I'm too old. Like, once I hit 50, wait a second. Let me tell you something. I wasn't even supposed to hit 30. I wasn't. I'm telling you, I wasn't supposed to hit 30.

Not only did I hit 30, but I hit 50 with a kid and a beautiful wife. Are you fucking kidding me? I'm going to say whatever the fuck I want to say from now. What are you going to do? Not put me on your stupid TV show. That ship sailed. I drive two blocks and do a podcast from this fine gentleman.

And I have a better time than I'd ever do on any fucking set I've ever worked on. This is more fun to me than any fucking set I've ever worked on. And a lot of people love it. I love it. I love doing this. I love doing this. And, you know, so all that shit went out the window with me.

I say shit, shit comes out of my mouth in public now. Because I don't listen. Here's the deal. I know I flew on a plane with you. Oh, that's right. The black dude's foot. When we took the picture of the black dude's foot with the sandal up on him.

On the southwest side or something? She fell asleep. Yeah, it's a tender. Some dude got on and just left his foot in the aisle, a size 12 foot, just dang. Then the slipper fell off. And it was a dry crack foot. If you sprayed the paint on his foot like cream, it still

wouldn't have fucking worked. Like spray painted, whatever that cocoa butter they put on their fucking feet, whatever the fuck it is. Take a cacao, whatever the fuck it is. My mom used to put that shit all over me. I hate that shit. The cocoa butter. Now I put the CVS cocoa butter cream on me.

That's tremendous. But that cocoa butter from the stick, that's primitive shit. Yeah, no, that stick was rough. But that shit on your lips, you go out in a fucking blizzard. And you come home and your lips are redder than fuck. All these little Gentiles with their chap sticking shit, crying. You take cocoa butter, you pour that shit on your lips

before you leave the house. In a blaze of a winter, you come back to your lips. They're fucking juicy, like that crackle on the corner. Juicy and shit. Ate up motherfucking filet in the house, ladies and gentlemen. So you started comedy here. How long were you doing comedy before you got picked for the last comic?

How did that process change? That was six years in. Six years in. Congratulations, Eddie. Thank you. You work hard. That's what you got a lot. I do work hard.

And you put up with some fools, too. I do. And you know what? I don't give a shit. I just do me. Because I came from somebody. I grew up in a house with somebody like you. My father equipped me for the bullshit.

And he always just taught me that it didn't matter. Don't give a shit what anybody says. You know, the number one rule in my house was consider the source. And once you start to consider the source, like, he would be like, who told you that? Who told you that? And then I'd be like, such and such.

And he'd be like, oh, you mean the crackhead whose mother is fucking her brother? Why do you give a shit what that bitch said to you? We don't care. So that it made me, it toughens me up. So when I did last comedy standing, people were like, you're going to have to adjust for the TV show.

And I just went in and I did my own thing. And they said, OK, they didn't ask me to change. Because I can't change who I am. I'm not 20. You know, I grew up hardcore. What were you doing before comedy? I was writing. Stand up.

I mean, I was acting and writing. What did you do for work since you were 18? Oh, I was modeling. I modeled and I hated it. I didn't, you know, I used to see New York. I modeled in New York and in Miami. And I used to sneak food. I used to tape Snickers to the inside of my legs.

And I hated being those people, the people you're talking about. Oh, my God, they're the worst. Oh, yeah. And I'd be like, well, bitch, what? And then we don't use that language here. Really, everybody here is having sex with everybody. They're doing cocaine, smoking cigarettes.

But I can't say fuck and bitch, really. Get out. I'm out. I don't know. It's a horrible life with these people. It's fucking horrible. The land of make believe. So and then my dad would be like, I come home

and I have to eat the rice and beans. You know, they'd be like, what you mean a salad? Oh, yeah, you're going to eat avocados and onions on the side of your food, but you're going to eat your food. Boil your parents if you turn vegan. Oh, man, it's a sin. It's a crime. And you get clowns.

I mean, I tried to be vegan. And my father would like, if you don't eat that steak, I'm going to get my belt. A couple of weeks ago, I was going to Denver. And Ada was there. We flew out of Burbank together. She sat next to me. And we started having conversations about her dad.

And I got to tell you, it fucking destroyed my mind. When I got to Denver, I had to lay down and think about it. And I had to think about my daughter and the future. And because I have a lot of the same tendencies, but we came from the same cut. Now, again, I don't want people to get the wrong impression. There's two types of Cubans. There's Pasadena Cubans, who don't know they got black blood

in them, and they parade themselves. They won't even listen to Mambo music in the house. And then you got Cubans in this cut that your dad and my mom came from, that they grew up. When I was a kid, my mom would always go, but why do you have a scarf on? I put a scarf on. Remember in the 70s, you put a scarf on with a nut.

And my mom would say, what are you, Rock Hudson? Oh, that's so funny. I tell you about this. Yeah, I'm playing. My mom would always say, my mom died in 79. And when I was a kid, whenever I would call my hair on the wrong side, I think he's supposed to part it on the left side?

Yes. Whenever I would part it on the right side, my mom would go, what are you, Rock Hudson? And for years, I kept saying, why do you fucking call me Rock Hudson? And she goes, Rock Hudson's a fag. What the fuck? What the fuck are you talking about?

Because growing up, she told me everybody was gay. Bruce Lee was gay. Oh, absolutely. Elvis was gay. That was their sense of humor. Batman was a fag. When she told me Batman was a fag, it broke me. It broke me for two.

And then she would sing me the song, Batman. El Maricón, Batman. Mama me la piña, Batman. Coil and culo, Batman, Batman. I would sit there, ah, ah, Batman is not a fag. So when she told me about Rock Hudson, she just cracked me. I'm like, that's it. And I was a little older.

If she died when I was 15, this is when I was about 12 or 13. And she goes, what are you talking about? He's gay. He's gay, gay, gay, gay. And I'm like, man, he played cowboy. He did this movie. And I go, how do you know that? And she goes, when I was a little girl,

and he would come to town, what do you think I'd do? Sit in my house, poor. I'd go down, I'd put my best dress on. And me and 18 girls would go down there and see who could suck his dick first. He wouldn't leave his hotel room. He'd be up there with a young man. And I'm like, mom, come on.

So yeah, gay dog. And 85, he came out gay. And I had to fucking put a candle in her grave because she was aligning me. She was right. My mom's favorite expression was, mom, I don't like that steak. And she would look at me, I don't like sucking dick either,

but somebody's got to do it. I would fucking crack. Like, it took me 12 years to even want to know what sucking dick meant. She'd say, mama, bingo. And I would make believe, like, I didn't even hear it. Like, ah. I know Mamar and I know Pinga together.

It doesn't go together. It doesn't go together. My mom don't suck no dick. But that's how they talked at the house. And you were just telling me story after story about your dad and how he would go to school and watch you and say, I'm watching you and shit. Oh yeah, he used to stalk me at school.

Frighten your boyfriends and, I have the same tendencies. I have the same tendencies. I have a friend and they have an eight-year-old girl. And I love her, like, she's my own daughter. Like, I love her. They're Filipino. Today I found a basketball camp for her on Groupon.

Oh, dude. Like, 85 bucks for a month. And he's like, thank you, bro. He goes, you really like Jay, don't you? I love Jay. I've known Jay since he was three, you know? I like girls, you know? So, I could just imagine.

Like, as they get older, I get involved and stuff. I have a daughter, and that's 25. And when she was three, she was having a problem with her daycare in Boulder. Gentile, this is the capital of gentile. So, a kid kept biting her. Oh yeah. And I remember telling her, like,

you gotta go in there and punch him in the mouth. And she would look at me like, Daddy, I don't know what you're talking about. I'm like, well, just punch him in the mouth. We'll never bite you again. And sure enough, one day I got the call, she smacked the kid, the kid never bit her again. And the mother's like, I wonder where she got that from.

Like, it was unheard of to them. But my Cuban blood, that's how you stop a kid biting you in the fuckin' hand, you know. My dad used to tell us, you hit him in the head with a stick. Find a stick, you hit him as hard as you can and then you run home. I got it from there.

And we listened. Cause I would rather hit you on the head with a stick than to go home and have to deal with him. And those were the consequences. And my brother hit this kid in the back of the head one time cause he was beating up my brother and my other brother. And we hit him in the back of the head and ran home. And my father was like,

Oh, be like this, oh, oh, be like this. That means forget about it. I got it. And that was how we dealt with stuff. It's a different society. I get mad at my mother sometimes, sometimes at middle of the night, I'll think of something. And I'll say, what the fuck was she thinking?

And then I'll go, Jesus Christ, at least she didn't lie to me. Yeah, I agree. You know, I have cousins in Miami that father went to jail and then when they were told he went to jail, they told me he went to college. That was the big thing.

A lot of Cuban houses and a lot of homes. He's going away to college. He's working on a ranch in Montana. El Ajecito. El Ajecito, whatever the rest means, the army. And then later on, 20 years later, they find out and they get mad. My mom told me everything as it came up.

Now, I think about it. Like by the age of six, I already, like my mom used to have a birthday party for me every year. And she'd have two pinatas, one for the kids and one for the adults. The ones for the kids were straight up. The ones for the adults had a little cocaine in it. The aluminum foil.

When they would pull it, my mom would go, boy, get in there, pick up the aluminum foil for mommy, bring them back to mommy. You know, like, I knew what was going on. I didn't like it. I wouldn't tell my friends. I wasn't allowed to tell my friends that, my mommy and daddy do coke.

That was not the way they raised me. I wasn't allowed to even talk. Oh, you always said no. No, no. Me, that all you guy, the three monkeys, that's the rule of the house. Whatever happens in this house, you look, no ears, no fight was, you know,

do I want to raise my daughter like that? There's so many aspects of that raising that you have to pass on. You told me something today that your dad used to always tell you. Every day was a different saying. It was like, you know, he used to be so, we sit around now and we make fun of him

and we talk about like all the different sayings that he used to say, but he used to always say, you know, tell me who you hang with and I'll tell you who you are. He used to observe all of our friends. Like I will bring, I brought this girlfriend of mine home and my father was like, is that f***?

Me, she's a whore. And I was like, what do you mean? How do you know that by just looking at her? He said, is that f***? She's cut like a hoe. And I know a hoe when I see a hoe, cause I know hoes. How old were you when he started talking to like this?

Oh, I was young. I was young. That was 12. And he talked to you and all you brothers and sisters. All of us, like all of us, it used to be like that. Well, he pulled you to the side and going, I got him. Yeah, no, no.

Well, her, he'd be like, this one right here is a hoe. But if need be, he would. If it took, let me, I had a friend that was, my mother's friend was gay and came over to the, and used our bathroom. And my father, my father was like, go get a cloto. Go get the bleach. So we used to have to bleach the toilet every time.

Cause he was like, I, about AIDS had just come out. And he was like, he was so ignorant. He was like, I, I don't know. The news said last week that you could only get it this way, this way. What are they going to say next week? I got two versions in the house and you got to clean, go clean the, the toilet.

Like my dad was just, he used to, and he was sexist. And that's just who he was. We had to take three showers a day, the girls. And I would be like, daddy, why I got to take three showers and Chino has, he's like, cause you have a coochie and your coochie sweats in the middle of the night. And when you get up in the morning, you got to watch that coochie.

And when you go to sleep, you got to go all the time. Cubans, they love when you shower. My mom would tell me, I'm my ass thunk, even in the morning. You got to wash that ass in the morning. Cause you ball stink. Yes. You know, I take three showers now because of what my mom instilled in me.

Sometimes Lee's like, oh, I got up at two and went out. What, no shower? When I go to Starbucks and I see a woman with her hair fucked up in the night before, I want to tap her on the show and go, well, you don't have time to wash that disgusting snatch because of your hair looks like that. Can you imagine what you pussy smells like? That's my dad.

Are you fucking crazy? So that's my dad right there. My dad would be like, oh, you know. Are you fucking kidding me? It's 10 in the morning, your head's still fucked up, or you're still out from the night before and you think you're cute. You didn't wash that fucking monster between your legs.

That's what you, Lee, there was no watching the Smurfs without washing your ass. It was like you, we would have to get up in the morning, take a shower, brush our teeth, comb our hair, put our clothes on, and then we were able to go sit down and watch cartoons. There was no lounging with snot in your nose. My mother used to make me breathe on it and make sure

I brushed my teeth in the cargo before I ate breakfast, though. Absolutely. It is something that, I don't think my mom ever lied to me. I'm sure she lied to me about big stuff, but life stuff. Oh no. My mom had this thing when she come home at night and this was from the time I was six, you know?

She used to get home from the bar at 3.30 and she'd always wake me up with food. And this is after she got married and it was our time. It was our 20 minutes. She'd wake me up, I'd get up and she'd be drunk and fucked up but she'd tell me about her day and what her feelings were and what she wanted from me. And she'd cry a little bit, she'd think of my sister

in Cuba and then she, and that was our time. And she'd tell me about things that I wasn't supposed to know. And she'd say, this guy came in today, I gotta watch him. You watch him, too. She'd tell me about my stepdad. He's a fucking cocksucker, watch, you know. She would treat me as an adult. My mom always spoke to me as an adult, like they never,

they never disrespected me, they never made me. I was never told to go into another room. You know, some people come to your house and your parents like go in the other room. My mother never had a time for me to go in the other room. I knew when to get up and go in the other room. I knew when, I would watch TV and they'd be talking about numbers. You know, numero.

And give them more 20,000 and this and that. I'd watch TV and I'd listen to the conversation but it had nothing to do with me. That's right, cause we were taught to mind our business. You were, my mom used to always say, a little ninho, I don't know. Like I ain't that man. That means kids talk when Rooster's pissed

and they don't piss, they don't piss. So, you know, you can't say a fucking word, you know. I couldn't ask my mom what was for dinner. Yeah, we don't have that option. What's for dinner, unta, mierda, bagueva de unta. Shit, what the fuck you're asking for? Whatever it is, you're gonna eat it. Una pelana, what's a pelana?

Una pinga, what's a lana? That means a big dick wrapped up in cotton or some shit. I mean dog, that's how they talk to you. So, you knew where you stood, you know. I have a, you know, I was very touching my wife. If I bring something home, she has to, and there was an expression in my mind, no toca na toca te gula.

That means don't touch nothing, touch your ass. Touch your own ass, touch nothing. You know those people that wanna look, they don't wanna look at nothing, go fuck yourself. You know, and it taught me, you know, it's like we were having a conversation and Lee thinks I'm crazy. But what?

Like a lot of times you'll bring something up and I go, it doesn't even matter. It's like tonight, my wife got a hotel in San Diego. I swear to God, she goes, listen, I don't know if you know this, this hotel in San Diego is not smoking. I go, I'm still gonna, it blew her mind. You know me, 15 years.

I go, every hotel I go to is not smoking. She goes, oh, yeah, every hotel I go to, whether it's not smoking or not, I'm still gonna smoke. I have to think about stuff now before I call you about things. I'm like, what would he say if I told him this? Oh yeah, cause he kills, you know. And I still mess up like once or twice a week,

like there's something new. Yesterday I was at the wine and I saw a black lady who, the most thing she wanted in this life was to be white. When she wakes up in the morning, every morning, she looks at her skin, she starts crying for 10 minutes. This lady wanted to be white so bad. You haven't been to the North Hollywood wine.

It's a thin fucking hallway. Where do you think this fucking white wanna be stood? Right in the middle of talking to a Chinese, Chinese Czech who spoke Russian. I was like, hi, and I'm like, I can't believe I'm living through this. So I was waiting for my wife and my daughter to come out of the swimming pool.

I had just swam with them. I came out first and I'm sitting there and I'm listening to this black chick and people are going up to her, going, excuse me. You know, people with eight kids, like you're in the fucking middle and you don't, you wanna be white but you're failing the number one prerequisite.

You know what I'm saying? Which you're in the way, get the fuck out of the way. And the Chinese woman, you can see she wanted to get away. Okay, see you at the school benefit. And let me tell you something. I got your email, but she wasn't talking black, I'm sorry. I got your email and finally I go, oh my God. And she just looked at me and she got the hand

and the fucking thing broke. Like, I gotta say what's, I can't do it no more. I can- You got to the point where you, that's how my dad is. I had a chip in. I had to help this poor fucking Chinese lady out. She wanted to get the fuck out of there and whatever this lady just wanted to talk.

They want to talk. They do, you ever go to a meeting? Yes. You ever got a call to go to a network meeting or something? They want to talk. And you sit there and the whole time they're talking all you're thinking about is driving on the 405. Yeah.

Every minute, you're gonna have to clock going. They're talking about nothing. And I got to go back. Why did I even come down here? Because God forbid they can't tell their friends they had the word meeting. Because it's so huge. I have a meeting and it's like, oh, you do?

I don't know, with some client. At least I am. He's coming in to pitch a deal about dolphins. I don't like all that chit-a-chat. They have meetings about meetings in this town. Chit-a-chat. Oh, let's do lunch. That's why I don't like text messages.

I hate text messages too. I don't want a fucking text message in my life because yay, yay, good. It's the people who like, so I sent you a key. It's information. Did it fit? Maybe I could, enough. After the second line, we got to go to the phone.

There's no reason to sit here and play this shit back and forth. Oh, yes. This is all unnecessary. All this stuff is unnecessary. It's like, I look at all that shit, like all that unnecessary stuff that people- And it's phony, it's disingenuous.

It's, how are you feeling today? I was worried about, no, you weren't. If you were, you would have picked up the phone and called me and you would have heard my voice. I love on the holidays when I get texts from people. Oh, hey, good. And I just erase them. I don't even open them.

I just erase them because I don't, and then they'll see me a month. Did you get my texts? Not really. Oh my God, I sent one. I'll come in for a second. Do me a favor. When you wanna contact someone in the holidays,

either pick up the phone or don't, and they look at you like you're goofing. But it's true. They look at you like you're goofing. Like, oh, you're just, no, dawg. What the fuck? Wait, so you press the button, press the button, you sent me out, and I'm supposed to feel good

about myself? Yeah. The people I love, I call. That's right, me too. I take the time out, I fucking call them and go, hey, bro, what's going on? I don't send no fucking mass text out to bother people. Hi, happy Thanksgiving, go fuck yourself.

You know I'm not crazy, you hear it. I don't fucking send nothing back. Listen. Dog, I turned that fucking side of my phone off. Some guy sent me six texts the other day. The call that he got was horrible. I want one of those. He called me three days later and apologized.

He called me three, that's how bad I made him feel. I'm like, are you fucking retarded? You could've called me, like, trying to be motivational, speaking and shit. You know what? I'm more fucking for good luck. Oh, shit. Fuck it, yeah, this is the real deal.

Okay, we're going deep tonight, ladies and gentlemen. Do you know that 37 years ago today, I went to see the Rolling Stones for the first time? How was it? I was just listening to Beast of Burden in my heart. That was the album, that was the tour, 1978. Some girls out. And I've almost seen them tonight.

I'm like the Rolling Stones. I tried to talk my wife into going to Nashville tonight to see the Stones and Brad Paisley. And she wouldn't do it, I go, I'll tell you what, I'll fly in with you Tuesday, we'll eat dinner, we'll go see the Stones Wednesday night and I'll leave Thursday morning, you shoot to your family. She's like, fuck them.

I just saw those motherfuckers. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's dope. I'm so glad you said what you said about text messages because I feel the same way about, I hate the text. All that nonsense. I hate, there's something you could tell me. Listen, there's some people that I have an email respect.

I don't mind those people. Right, right, absolutely. That you have an email thing. There's some people that you don't need to go past the email, there's information they have to send you. Absolutely. I agree with that. There's some people want to send you emails

and they're like, I don't get this. There's a guy that keeps sending me fucking emails from the phone number. Me too. He sends like little pictures? Yeah, 415. Oh yeah, he sends it from his number. What does he do?

I feel bad for him because I just erased him. I had a call, like I went to Sprint because I couldn't figure out the Wi-Fi. And I'm like, oh, something's wrong with my phone. The lady's like, you know, you have like 200 text messages you haven't checked. And she goes, do you want to see who they are? And I looked at them the one day

and I wrote down the people and I called them. I said, let me ask you something. At one point, don't you just call me. That's right. If you text me three times for a gig and I didn't get back to you, wouldn't a smart thing be the one? I don't want to bother you.

You bother me more when you send me a fucking text message. It's informal. That bothers me more. I'm not professional. It's not a profession. When you send me a text message for a gig, I don't even, I just erase it. If you're that fucking stupid and not ignorant,

I just erase the fucking text. See, I'm not crazy. Text messages are for directions, addresses, phone numbers, make a right. Here's the information. They're not. I don't want no text messages. Unless you're gonna send me a fucking picture,

you asshole, whip cream on it. And even that's gonna bother me. Cause I'm not gonna keep it on my phone. I'm gonna fucking erase it anyway. You know, it's just, they opened up a bag of worms that didn't need to open up in my world. I don't know why.

There's some people, sometimes you're in a place that's loud and you can't talk. We did it for 200 years. And it worked. I made tons of calls from Madison Square Garden during the Nick games. Lee is almost asleep over there.

Oh, he's fucked up tonight. He's going deep into the murky waters of the underworld. It's crazy how different it is growing up. With white parents versus Hispanic parents. Not really. Well, yes. Really? From what I've seen,

and you can't, of course there's some Hispanic parents who aren't like your parents. You said like our parents got a disease. Oh, no, no, no. But I've been dating a Mexican girl for two years. And even with her mom, I had to ask her the other day,

are you and your mom fighting on the phone all the time? And they just, they never really were talked to like kids. She doesn't mess around with them. She calls like her like brother's wife. She says mean things about her. So it's just, if it's a very different,

like I had never had a conversation with my mom like that. Yeah, my parents are not passive aggressive. Like my dad came home one day and said, look here. What did he, I can't even remember. He was like, women come a dime a dozen and every man has a dollar. So let me tell you something.

There is nothing that's gonna benefit you for being cute because somebody is cuter is right around the way. Somebody whiter is wrong. Cause my father had that mentality about the whiter you are. He was like, what you got is substance and you can never lose when you have substance. And my girlfriend who was white was like,

I can't believe your dad said that to you. That sounds like a pimp talking to a prostitute on the street. And he was like, no, I'm trying to keep her from being a prostitute on the street. That's my job. But he used to say stuff to us that other people would never ever say to their kids. I think that parents are afraid to tell their kids the truth

and they don't speak to them in certain ways or certain times. I disagree with Lee to one extent because I grew up with white parents around me that would fuck their kids up at the drop of a dime. And they were cold blooded at the drop of a dime. It's gotten over the years. It's gotten a little bit looser.

Oh yeah. I had friends growing up that they could say nonsense in the house. I remember being at a friend of mine's house where he got into an argument with his dad about him considering a different religion in Boulder. And I was like in shock that the father was like, well, and I remember being a friend of mine

that was Irish's house and he was just playing with his dad. And his dad's like, if that was ever gonna happen, I couldn't have you in my fucking house. I grew up with a kid that was Jewish that was dating a Puerto Rican girl. In high school and everything was hunky-dory and he told me the father pulled him aside and said, when you go to Dartmouth, that's it.

I take you out of the will and there's no job when you go to college and there's no money. And I cut you off, like you're not around my house. That was for high school. I can't and most kids would die today. That what I just said, people at home going, oh my God, that dad's a scumbag. Listen, bro, there's certain people and he was Jewish.

They were with the fucking thing on their head and he would go to Midtown Manhattan every day, but he told his son, I can't have it. Your mom would have a heart attack if you married him. So before he even goes another step, it's not gonna happen and say goodbye. Oh, you know, it's a kid today would go, I'm in shambles, you're a racist, oh my God.

If my boy would have said that to his father, his father would have knocked him out right then and beat him, like busted his mouth and got his shit thrown away and he wouldn't have been to Dartmouth or whatever the fuck he went, like whatever division one school he went, he would have gone to his shit school.

I couldn't go home and tell my mother, I'm considering being a florist. My mom would fucking argue with your mom about religion or something like that, going home and saying, I wanna be a Buddhist. Oh, I had friends that would go home, my ex-wife's little sister used to say, she'd have to do the table, bro,

that I wanted to punch in the mouth, not smack her. Because I could see that the dad came from my society, he was a lot older than I was, but I could see that his face would get red. Like she would start arguments about Catholicism, meanwhile they're donating to a church every weekend, they have nuns at their house for breakfast and shit.

And this young little hippie who doesn't have a job, living in an apartment on campus, is like, why do I have to be Catholic? They're all perverts, I can see the father was getting pissed. And I'm like, if this was my house, my mom would have grabbed me by the fucking neck already. I grew up in a house that when my mom went to hit me, I had to keep my hands down.

Because Cuban people believe that if you put your hands up and you strike your mother when you die, your hand pops up in the casket and they have to break it to put it back in. When I heard that shit, I kept my hands to myself. I didn't want to be scared. I didn't want to be fucking hitless, alluding people and my waking shit,

just popping your little arm up and all of a sudden 20 Nazis pop out of the fucking flowers. Yep, that's it. Yeah, my mom hit us with a broomstick. She hit us with the belt. She hit us with her shoe. My mom burnt a bounty roll one time because I put my hands up.

Oh man, yes. Calataja Magando, cause you're raising your hands. I was raising my hands. She was hitting me on the way up with the broom and I was pushing the broom and she's, and all of a sudden she got like a fake heart attack to her and she ran into the kitchen, took the bounty roll off the road,

lit it on fire and she ran back up the stairs, I'm gonna burn your fucking hands. I'm gonna, that's the house I grew up in guys. And I'll tell you what, man, I'm gonna tell you guys something that I have no ill will from my mom for hit me. I think that she fucked up because after a certain age,

when she did come around, the damages are already done. That's the only thing I, but my mother got caught up in her life. I got sick and I remember in the hospital, her coming and then going, this is my fault. The last two years, I've been fucking around with you. I've been leaving you $20.

She hated that I used to eat Steakums. They would drive her fucking crazy. Do they still make Steakums? Yes, they do. They're delicious. With some fucking raw onions and some American cheese. You melt that shit on a bun when things get bad, but things weren't bad in my house.

I just like Steakums. Right, right. And I ate them for two or three months straight for dinner. Oh my God. Steakums, two Steakums with white bread, with hot sauce, pecan tico with raw onion. And a ride of french fries, the steak fries. That's what I ate every night for dinner.

And then my mother's world. I ate them too, Lee. That was horrific. And the Cuban mother's world. Absolutely. That is like a sin. When she was busy, she tried to cook. She knew I didn't like left, you know.

When I was growing up, the microwave just started showin' his head. So it wasn't how it is now. A Cuban mom left you that food with no cover on it. The whole refrigerator's stunk. I'd have fucking, I broke a boil with Natilla. And I'd bite into the Natilla, which is like Cuban custard.

And it tastes like onions, you know. Cuban people don't put lids on nothing. They just shove shit into the refrigerator. And I couldn't live like that. I fucking could not live like that. You gotta wipe the soda cans before you put it to your lips cause they taste like fucking garlic bread and shit. Oh yeah.

No. So in the hospital, she goes, that's it, it's all over. And I think before she died, that hospital run was like September 28th, November 9th. I think I gained 15 pounds cause she started makin' potahias every day. Oh yeah, we see that. And I started liftin' weight

like that Cuban stew, potatoes and beef and the chicken's head. Chicharrone. Yeah, and all that shit. I mean, she started really. Lenteja. But it was too late at that time. She had already given me a,

you know, I got left back and my mom never knew it. I got left back in the sixth grade. Wow. In the seventh grade, my mom never knew it because at that time she had the bar and she gave me so much trust. Like I never had the balls to go back and say, you know, I got left back

because she had put all this trust in me. Right. Like she had stopped waking me up. She had stopped makin' breakfast at that time. It was over. This is all your job. I did it for a long time. I was thinkin' about that.

Do you think maybe your mom knew but was like kinda like holding it and like just seeing what would happen? Like, because sometimes mom was no shit like that. I think my mom knew I was smokin' pot. Not a lot. I think my mom knew I was drinkin' a little bit but not a lot.

I was a jock. Mine. At good grades, you know, that summer school, that thing I failed was because I fell in love. Oh, isn't that always the case? I started dry humpin' some young girl and she told me she was gonna give me the pussy on the first day of summer.

So I couldn't even think about school. I kept thinkin' what her pussy looked like. I didn't know Ada. I didn't, you know. You know what I'm sayin'? The mind of a young man. Of a young man. I was fuckin' 13, 12 year old, you know?

And I was in love. I really loved Ada. She broke my fuckin' heart like. What's her name? Her name is Njorka. Oh, wait, wait, wait, she was Cuban. Njorka. Njorka Riza.

She was a Cuban girl. And it was just, there was this fucking, I just found love with her. She was dark skinned like you, but with blonde hair. She was that Cuban, with blue eyes. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The brother was beautiful. The father was like a Cuban model.

And the mother was fuckin' smokin'. The grandmother was a big Cuban movie star. Like, Cuban in the 30s, and shit. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And this, I've had three friends that were Cuban that I hung out with. You, that have told me stories about your father. This girl, Vince, that told me stories

about her father in New Yorker, that told me stories about her father, and this other girl, Jacqueline, that I knew that. And the four girls I grew up with, three years had daddy drama with them. You loved them so much. Like, now I have to think of my daughters. You know, I have to think of my,

and I see what's going on now with my daughter already. You know, I can't walk out of school no more. Why? Because when I drop her off, she goes fuckin' nuts. My wife had to come get her, and then she goes, yeah, you can't. She goes, you can pick her up, because she goes, my wife's like, she gets depressed.

She drops on the floor if you're not there. So I take her swimming Tuesdays and Thursdays, our family night, you know. But my friend New Yorker, her father died, her father didn't die, her father left. No, her father and the mother broke up, but she know Cuban men. They don't give a fuck about la gote, I mean nothing.

Nope. That's right. So I'm staying here, so he built an apartment downstairs. Yeah, and you were never gonna move on with your life. He's never gonna move on with his. She couldn't bring men home. No. He lived in the basement when they were divorced 10 years.

He stood in the fuckin' basement. Yep. And he had a dog, a German shepherd, and he had a corvette, and he was a dick. Yeah. But same thing happened there. She came to me years, what happened between her and I was, this is terrible, this is horrible, hey.

I used to dry-hump the whole thing. We never really had sex, and then the summer came, and she told me she wasn't ready to have sex. Yeah, she was still a young girl, we were in the fuckin' sixth grade, seventh grade, you know. She barely had titties, and I went nuts. But finally, like in the summer of seventh grade, she took her tittie out, right?

She gave me tittie, but then the next year, I stayed in the seventh grade, and she stayed in the eighth grade. And like in the beginning, we broke up, and we stayed friends. And I still loved her to death, but I had to move on with my life, and it was good. I started playing basketball, like to get my mind off her.

And she used to live in the block next to me before, to make her, I used to go to her house every day, I used to hang with her mother, the grandma, they loved me, we used to go roll the scheme, and then one day we got caught playing hockey, and my mom got the call at the bar, and she went to the house, and she knew the people lived in the backyard,

and only a Cuban mother, first of all, my mother hated her. Of course she did. My mother couldn't stand, every time she came over, oh yeah, they have a lot of boys that we had done. Oh yeah, exactly, okay. And then one day I was in there, and they came home, and they snuck up on me, this is one of the best my mother's stories ever.

She couldn't, my mother couldn't fucking, she couldn't sleep at night. I want to know what they're doing in that fucking room. No, she had a lot of boys. And one day I was in there, and I heard shit in the yard, but I thought it was in the yard over, and it was my mother and Arnardo. Arnardo Ducampo was a bookmaker in my mother's bar.

Oh yeah. It's like, oh yeah, yeah. Of course. She cooked tremendous Cuban food, and her and my mother grew up together. So one day my mother talked to Arnardo after, because he would get to my mother's bar at nine and take numbers.

People who went to take the New York bus would come in and play, six oh four for five bucks, and then they'd go, don't give him one. So by three o'clock he would be fucking lit, and that was his thing. At three he went home, took a nap for an hour and a half, then he'd come back after dinner,

and hang out my mom's bar for like eight o'clock at night, then my stepdad came, and then it was a party, and he would go home. He would sit there like, he was like the pseudo, helped my mother in the daytime. Well my mother talked him into going to my backyard

and putting the ladder up, and for him to climb up the ladder and peek and report to my mother what was going on in there. And all of a sudden, I'm dry humping to earth when it's flying. Oh yeah. You want my love and you can't deny. And I hear papa, papa.

The ladder fell and Arnardo broke his ankle. I got off, I had to run to the backyard. My mother picking up Arnardo, the neighbor. What are you doing? No, no, we thought the air conditioner was leaking. And I believed it for like five minutes. I'm like, fuck that! You guys were sneaking this,

and my mother hated it. So we and the girl played hooky, and then one day my mother, that same day they called my mother, my mother opened up the back gate, the back windows, and started yelling, do you know what I'm talking about?

Oh yes. My mother started yelling, tear were you and your mother of both horrors? She sits in that room with my son, and I hear him making weird noises. She's a whore. Oh, you know my mother. So when me and her walked into her house,

the mother's like, you gotta sit down. I want you to hear what your mother was saying about my daughter and me. It was horrible. They're like, you're not allowed in this house no more. But New Yorkers still liked me, and we still swapped spit. And then we broke up,

and there's a fucked up story. One day I went up on the block with a bicycle. My buddy used to steal bicycles, he's a Puerto Rican kid, he'd be given to this Cuban kid, Valentin Ferrell. Valentin Ferrell was a street mechanic. He would spray paint the bike, and take the numbers off,

and put different handlebars in the bike. So I come out of my house, Valentin lived right next door to me. So he goes, Coke, where you going? I go, I'm going to Charles Square. He goes, take this bike, and let me know what you think. So I took the bike,

and as I'm riding the bike, the steering wheel would move without the tire. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I'm saying? So I rode up the hill. I knew it, so I rode up the hill, and I was just going to put it down, play with the kids,

and fuck around. New York had picked up the bike, and started riding around the hill. We lived on a cul-de-sac. Charles Court was one of those streets, like a circle. Oh yeah. But the top was a fucking hill,

when you went down. Oh shit. So she took the bike, while we were playing Two Hand Touch. Do you know where this is? Oh my God, this is terrible. She took the bike, while we were playing Two Hand Touch,

but we were more on this side, of the oval. So when she took the bike, like New York had come back, come back, and we ran this way to get it, to meet her in the bottom of the hill. And when me and my buddy got to the bottom,

we're like, stop, the steering wheel. We went to go for the bike, she turned it, and went over the handlebar. Oh shit. She landed on the head, we picked her up,

she was okay. We all went home, the next day I went to school, and they're like, you didn't hear what happened? Like, I don't know, New York is in the hospital, she had a coma.

Oh! She said a coma, she might die. Oh my God. She had a blood clot in the head, and it took, she had to take the, but listen,

even bald, she won homecoming queen as a friend. That's how bad that bitch was. Coma and awe. Yeah, that's not Gita, right? She was skinny, thin like you, built like you,

thin and long. And her mother, but after she got hit, and I had a tits, got huge, her tits got triple D, they were monster sized. They said,

she started giving out pussy and shit. So me, I didn't do nothing, I felt bad, I had heard this shit. I wasn't in love with her no more, like I was already broken hearted, and I was a junior in high school,

I was living with the benders, and one Sunday night, Mr. Benders like, there's a hot girl at the door, I go for me, and he's like, get out the area. And I go out to this New York

with a low cut shirt. She goes, can I talk to you for a second? I go, what's up? She's like, listen man, me and my boyfriend broke up, I wanna know if you want to take me to the prom.

Oh, hold on. And I'm like, let me think of, I didn't know I had a girl, I was kind of dating, and then she got violent. She's like, you don't take me,

if she goes, I'm gonna give you the best night, you have a fucking had your way. Oh wow. And she's like, in fact, I'll take you in the car right now, and rough you up.

For me, I was a little half a fag, I'm like, not right now, because I'm not feeling well, I'm watching football. I swear to God, she was saying dirty shit to me,

I couldn't handle it. I could not handle it either. She got crazy, the bump in the head. I just made it go crazy. And today, she won't talk to me on Facebook, she won't even be my friend.

Why? She bumped into a friend of mine, my friend bumped into it, had some office, and my friend goes, you know, I still talk to Coco, she goes,

you know what, man, when I talked to him, when I was a kid, I still feel it was him and the other guy who pushed me off that bike. And I tried to reach out to her and, no,

she didn't say nothing. So I moved on with my life, what am I gonna do? I loved her, and she was my friend. But you didn't push her off the bike. I didn't push her off the bike, that's not in my DNA.

No, I don't think it was. No, no, no, no. I liked her as a, we were kids, bro. We were kids, we were kids, we were fucked up,

we wouldn't. They probably, but they probably put that in her head though, probably somebody living with this or something. You know, no, because after she came out of the hospital, I went to a house every day. Her mother was cool with me,

they told him the truth, it wasn't, he didn't push me. We were just, we went for the bike, we explained, the thing was fucked and loose. Because the brother,

the brother at that time, he had heard what my mother did. And he didn't like me too much at the time. He was kind of mad. But the people who were there told him what happened. But before that, that dumb fuck came to my house with his father,

with the Corvette. And my Cuban dad was out there, Wong, the crazy one, the one that's Aba Qua, that they dedicate their life to San Lazaro. They don't even like, if they walk in a room,

a gay guy can't be in the room. Right. Like that's how fucked, they don't need pussy, you know, that's the style of Cuban, don't need pussy and shit. And he was,

I'll never forget, he was outside mowing the lawn and I was doing something on the balcony at the front of the house. And we saw the Corvette pulling up. And I go, Papa, yes, that's the dude who said,

that I pushed New Yorker, that's the father and Albie. I'll never forget them. My father looked at me, he had like the white, white beater, like how he said that Gina, you know,

that was the Chinese Cuban shirt. Yes. With the buttons. They had white short time with his white little flip flops on. And he walked over and I see him doing something in the bush. And he pulled the 45 out of the bush.

But he didn't pull it up to shoot or nothing. He pulled it up and he straightened up and he just had the gun on his side. And you can see that Albie and his dad saw the gun, they put that vent into reverse. And that was the end of that fucking thing. They never said nothing again, you know, so.

But I know that she had a lot of problems with her dad years later, like he wouldn't talk to her. Then I went to school with another girl. I'm still very tight with her and her husband. And the father, when she was 15, the father told the mother,

meet up two things, she can't have those shorts on. Oh no. That's number one. Absolutely. And number two, that little kid can't come in this house. Yep.

And the father said, Jesus, whatever your name is, you know that kids, they're not doing anything. And she goes, listen, I was a kid at one time. Oh yeah. I'm gonna tell you another time.

I don't want the kid in the house. She's not ready for it. She was 15 or 16. And those shorts, she can't wear them. The next day, the father came home, the kid was on the couch

and she had the shorts on. He went downstairs, packed his bags and left. He just showed up two years ago to see her baby. You've been dads of fucking crazy, bro. Yeah. You know what? The short shorts

and the shirts with the low cuts, we were not allowed to wear any of that. That's sitting on your uncle's lap. Like my dad was like, no. No disrespect at all. No, he was so. Couldn't jump on men? No.

No, nothing. No, he can only pele los dientes. A quien tu le esta pelando los dientes. Like all that cheesing and smiling when a man will come to the house. He'd be like, go to the room and go put your teeth away.

Cause those teeth are not for you to be showing to other men. It was extreme. Like my dad did not play this shit. I read a book by John Leguzamo and he says in the book that Latin men are spoiled by their mother. They're kings.

My mother spoiled me and I always tell, I always say that if my mom were to die, not that I would have turned out weak because my mom had my back. You know, moms have everything. You can tell them whatever. It was that I had the muscles

but I would have never used them. You know, I had the DNA. My mother came from a family of nine. My dad was a street hustler. He got into the numbers. They came from Cuba with nothing and they made a ton of fucking money. She had two bars, you know,

and I respect that. So I had the muscles but I was never going to have to use them because I was raised spoiled. But she also put like my mother when I was five, like pushed women on me. Like not sexually,

but what do you think of that woman? Yeah, to check your temperature. My mom, you know, I tell stories about her. She's playing cards with other how, well, my mom was hot. She played cards with other how women. You know how Spanish,

when I was old, I would get those boots from me, try them on. I love your skirt and they were sweats with skirts and I'd be five. And my head would blow up. And my mom would look at me

and go, middle, middle, all right. We got something to work with. You know, the ladies would go, wow. And then my mom would make me put underwear on and make me dance with the women. And she'd say, dale jamón, dale jamón,

and I'd have to flick my thing. My mom, on the other hand, my mom wanted me to be a manly. I didn't have a father. So I was six. My mom was the one that used to have the playground when the kid pushed me around. My mom would call me over and go,

oh yeah, that can't exist in my house. Nobody could push you around. Next time he hits you, toca lo, my mom would say, touch him. And then I would be playing and wrestling. My mom would go, Antonio, touch him.

That meant to punch him. And then she did the extended. That meant this to knock him out. So on the other hand, my mom put more man into me. Were Cuban teams your? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely.

Yeah, my dad, for us, it was the opposite because it was the dynamic. Right, the dynamic. The male-female dynamic. And my dad, you know what? I remember one time I was in the hospital with him.

We was in the parking lot and these two dudes were walking towards us. And my dad was like looking and he pulled out a screwdriver. And he looked at the guys and he said, I'm a fuck both of you up with this. Don't underestimate this.

I know you're coming to steal and you're coming to rape, but we're gonna all die tonight, but you will not rape her. And I was like, well, what made you think he was gonna rape me? They were gonna rape me. He said, the fuck do you think

they were coming over here for? These tires? He was just always on. I owe you at that time. I was 13. Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm the same one. 13. Yeah, I'm the same one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's when the guy won. Listen, these animals will take anything now, so. And he would throw people out the house. Like, I remember a man came over that was a friend of his and the way that he looked at us, he looked at me,

he said, oh, he threw him out of the house. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was like, No shit. Yeah, he was like, I saw you looking at her with the wrong eyes. He was like, get the fuck out of my house before I go get my gun.

He was so like, but you know what? He was right. He's right. That dude was a weirdo. I ain't fucking crazy. His intuition was always on point. Listen, I got street intuition.

And I know, I had bad thoughts at one time. So when I came to you with those bad thoughts, now I know what it looks like. I know what it looks like at all times. I know what the pacing of the footing, the breathing. I know it because I lived it. I lived it more ways than one. I lived it as a thief, as a drug dealer,

as a fucking dude that was gonna take you down. I know the pacing, the breathing, you know it. So you see it. You know, I know when I'm horned up, I know when somebody fucking swoops me and I can't think and you get into that moment. You know, thank God I'm not a tree jumper and I would rip a lady's shirt off or something like that.

But I know what it looks like because I've been there. So I know all the fucking signs, you know? What, and I hate to say this, what I think, I've been watered down over the years. What I think a woman should act like and a guy should act like is completely different from what they act like today. If I had the time, I'd give you the list.

If we had the time tonight, I'd give you the list and you'd die because I came from a different cloth. Oh yeah, we grew up like that. You know, when I moved here, I moved here with a girl that was a whore. She tried to contain herself, but she was a whore. And she was a stripper. And when people would talk to her, she'd talk.

You know, I grew up with a girl in Jersey that was, she looked like you, her name was Regina Gordon. God have her in her soul. She died when she was 49. She was young. She was Puerto Rican and black. Oh no, black and Italian. And her mother died.

She lived with her cousins in my hometown and I know her boyfriend and we, and when my mother died, she called me and her and I were friends. And she was a half a whore, but she was a woman. You know, little things. Like she was a half a whore with my friend and she would dump them and go out with an older guy

and then go back to them. But she was a woman. She acted like a woman at all times, you know? And I remember being in the city with her one night and talking to a friend of mine from high school and I left Regina at the bar stool. And there was two bar stools open. And some guy came over and before the guy was like

sitting there, like, you know how people try to be friendly? She's like, before you get comfortable, dog, somebody was sitting there and I don't wanna hear your fucking story, take a hike. And I was like five feet away and I'm like, damn, that's what I grew up with. And then 20 years later one night, I'm with the stripper at the improv.

I never forget this. And I just moved to LA, you know? And I knew she was a dirty fucking whore so I knew what I was going in with, you know? She was the type of girl that wanna shoot pool and all that dumb shit in a fucking bar. And I went to go to the bathroom and I come back and Jackie Flynn, the comicist, sitting there talking to her.

And I remember going, that's the difference between the woman I grew up with and these fucking savages that I hear. They're talking about grapes and, my God, they're going to roast too. You know, and I'm like, Jack, oh, we would take a fucking hike, you know this. He was in the corner.

He was watching me the whole time. I was watching him. I just wanted to test him to see if he was gonna be that fucking stupid. Because then again, where I come from, that's a smack to the face and you gotta take it like a man. Because even when you tell the cop I sat there,

he's gonna go, dog, he saw you sitting there so when he went to the bathroom, you moved in. In my neighborhood, that's a smack to the fucking mouth. But in today's society, man, he wasn't doing nothing. They were just talking, oh my God, you're such an animal. You have to learn to control your anger. No, dog, there's a fucking code, stupid motherfucker. And I still live by it.

Like, I don't fuck. Listen, I'm gonna tell you guys something just so you know, when it comes to my wife, I will do 20 years. Yep. I will slice your fucking throat when it comes to my wife. I don't even, I don't even play.

A couple years ago, I was with a couple comics and the comic said something side and I fucking jumped on him before he finished his sentence. I said, shit to him. The next night I went home and wrote and called me. He was like, Joey, I never saw nothing like that. I go, listen, spread the word.

You saw that the other night. When it comes to my wife, you will sit there bleeding. And I will not mind. I'll do it in front of everybody just so the hand gets out there. So even when I'm in prison, they know I'll come out and slice them again. When it comes to my wife, you could disrespect me.

Once you disrespect my wife, I just stopped talking to you because the next step, I'm gonna fucking slap. I just get fucking furious. But that's how I was raised. Yeah. That's how I was raised. The dumb whore, you could have disrespected her because I knew where she was coming from.

She went to the pool table. You called her a stupid cunt. That's what you get for playing pool. But my wife wouldn't do that. My wife would not act that way. I'm gonna go play with these three fucking guys. What are you fucking kidding me? What are you fucking kidding me?

They seem like, they seem like fun. They don't wanna sleep with me. No, no, no, no, no. They just wanna shoot pool with you. You're a fucking whore. You know they wanna fuck you. And that's the hand you're playing, you miserable fuck. That's how I was.

That was my dad. My dad would be like, what you smiling about? Oh my God. Why do we see teeth? My sister would be like, I don't want to see teeth. Did your dad grow up poor? Yeah, he grew up poor. He worked really hard for everything.

When he came to America, he drove a truck. He fixed windows. He had a business, no metal. Like he did a hustler. He did something on the side. Every Cuban does something on the side. Everybody, you know. Cause you don't have a gun unless you're slinging.

Oh yeah, yeah. And he didn't do no drugs. No, he didn't do drugs. You never caught him? No, I never caught him. I never caught him. Yes, you did. No, I never caught him.

I never caught him. And if I did, I'd never tell. Cause I have a cold. Right, okay. But listen, it was, he used to be, he used to tell people on the side, cuando tú naciste, yo estaba parado en la esquina. Like he was like, don't try to run game on me.

That means when you were born, I was already on the corner and I'm the same way. Don't try to run game on me, man. That was the biggest offense to him. It's to try to run. You're the thing, what's the conversation we have? We have these conversations every day we live. Oh my God.

The people who think like, you just fall off the fucking boat and they come to you. You know, what's that? What's those podcast people? We love for you to come to the network. You get 50% of your avatar. Did I just fall off a tree? Just cause I go to your offices in Belly Hills,

I got to give you 50% of the take. Even the mafia only takes 15. The mafia takes 15 and 15. And this town is filled with those people. You know, man, I always, I'm a, you know, God gave me one gift. I don't care about like when we discuss this,

I don't care about the Martians. I don't care about Jet Bush. I never have, I'm not gonna lie to anybody since I was a kid, even before the families. It seemed like it's the same bullshit every four years and we believe it. Doesn't matter who it is. And every year we get into more and more debt

and every years it don't stop it. I believe in people. I believe in people. I want to know what makes them take, you know? And I can see when somebody's coming from the fucking, I know when somebody wants you, I know when somebody wants you to walk down a bad street with you, cause there's people that only walk down

bad streets and they only take somebody with them. You know, there's people, that's what they do in their life. They just, I think my background and your background, they didn't scare us. My mother didn't scare me and say, my mother wanted me to enhance it, but she wanted me to go on with a different eyeball. Don't worry about this, worry about this.

It's like, you know, we were talking before about that my wife wanted to save the kid that day and she walked away from the mercy cause she was in studio sale. I'm like, you know, what are you fucking crazy? I don't fall for nothing. I don't give a, the last time I fell for something, I fell for a three car Monty game.

I'm 49th and fucking ninth, okay? And then my buddies started yelling at me for falling for the game. And while he was yelling at me, I saw him look, go in his pocket and he lost $20. And I never forgot that lesson. You always gotta see where they're coming from. You gotta get up early in the morning

to come to me with a story, especially like comedians. Don't, nothing's going on for me because you ain't putting in the fucking work. That's right. And now you wanna come bring your sorrow on me and make me feel bad. Well, bro, don't you have a couple of weeks you could take me on the road?

What's that gonna do for you? That's right. What's that gonna do for you? For you to tell your friends you went on the road? That's not gonna make you get on stage seven times a week. That's not gonna make you work harder, you know? I had a fucked up family grown up, man. My father died, my mother died.

There was drugs, there was numbers, there was weapons. But you know what, man? They never lied to me. They toughen me up, they prepared me. I mean, my mom set me up there at the age of 15. And I could look you in the eye like a man that nobody ever fucked, man. I never sucked nobody's dick.

I never got talked into another that shit. A week before she died, she smacked me in the face. For me not calling her, because my rule in the house was you could come home whenever the fuck you want. You wanna come home at six? Come home at six. Just call me every hour on the hour and check in with me. And I didn't call her one hour when I came in.

She smacked me in the face. The next morning she told me she was gonna listen. I don't give a fuck what you do. Beto, I want you to grow up to be a man. That's right. And that's part of it, you gotta call. You want, someday you're gonna be married. You do whatever the fuck you want again.

Now you get it. But give your wife the respect and call every hour. She's not gonna be mad at you if you call every hour. I mean, I'm here with me and Maya. I don't have to work tomorrow, give you a wife. And that always stuck with me. She, those little words from my mom sort of squids. The reason why our conversation on the plane intrigued me

was because we were raised by the same person, different genres. There was no genre in the house. My mom told me exactly how it was. There was a babysitter I had and my mom pulled me over and said, listen, don't drink out of the same glass as she is. There's a rumour that she's C.P. Letica.

Why would you let a babysitter watch me if she's got syphilis? But she grew up with her, Gloria LaLoca. Do you know that Gloria's still alive? People tell me when I go to Jersey, bro, do you know any Gloria that shakes? I hit her in the head one time with a fucking Casalola shoehorn because she wouldn't let me watch

a Y-5-0 back in 1960, fucking nine. You hit her in the head. The metal shoehorn? The metal shoehorn. Is that why she shakes? No, she was shaking way before that. But it was fun. She was beautiful.

She was a beautiful Cuban woman with long brown hair to her back and blue eyes. She looked white. She looked, you know, these women looked white, you know? Right, right, right. And she's still alive. She's still alive, very good-looking. I don't think she's doing anything crazy anymore.

She outlived all those people that were... People always tell me, you know anything, Gloria? She says that she babysat you when you were a kid. I'm like, tell her to leave the number here because I love to see it, just to talk to her. Oh, that's so nice. Yeah, oh, the babysitter. Yeah, my babysitter was a drug dealer too.

Esther, she's an ex-con, six foot two, blonde, a Cuban woman, Esther Dominguez. And this woman was such a gangster. Let me tell you, she used to have a baby, she had a baby from one of the neighbor's husbands. And nobody ever knew that she had gotten pregnant from this dude that was married. Freddie was married to Judy.

And she goes to the grocery store with the baby and she would pack the stroller with me. She would steal it. And then one day she was in the grocery store and they caught her. And she goes, I ate that because that's what they used to come in. Arraninha, arranca pa la casa. Let's grab the baby and go straight to the house.

And I'm like, what is going on? She was not afraid of anybody. I've never met somebody. And my mother's fearless. But this woman used to be, she used to tell my dad, no le ponga la mano ella porque no vamos a patatuyo. If you put your hands on her, we are going to fight. She was square up with my dad.

And I grew up with her. And let me tell you, that lady used to go to the mall, steal clothes, and bring it to me. And say, now you take it and return it and go get some clothes for school. She always, you know, she was the, I feel like the street people that I grew up with have more honor and compassion for other humans.

You know what I'm saying? You are not allowed to talk bad about prostitutes to my mom because when my mom got, she was nine months pregnant, my dad beat her up, left her in Central Park. She said, it was the prostitutes and the junkies that took me to the hospital. So you're not allowed to say prostitutes, you know, like dog talk down on people

because of where they are in life. Cause she'd be like, hey, you don't, you don't know what that, who that person is, where that person came from. We don't do that here. We don't do that here. Why are you laughing? Because we all, I have a joke about Puerto Rican Freddie.

He was a liaison in my neighborhood. And he taught you about life. He cut the corners for you. If you went to him, he'd give you the answers. And that's where we went to, when we were kids, we were like, tell us about pussy. And one day he's like, I don't know what the question is. Come by my window on Friday night.

I'm gonna fuck my girlfriend. I'll let you listen. But that's the people, and you think back about that. Like, today they'll put you in jail for that. He was serious. He just didn't want to hear no more questions about him. What's pussy like? What's it today like, bro?

Bro, I don't want to, just come by my window. He charges us all a dollar to come by his window and listen to him, fuck her. And he left the window and I remember I'm seeing his ass. That's all I saw was his ass, fucking her at eight o'clock. You know, you had street liaisons that. This dude is laughing, but it's true. I, I can't, like I said, we don't have enough time.

Like, my mom left Cuba because she stabbed a guy at a party that raped her younger sister. Oh yeah, that's how. And then she came to the United States like in 55. And then she went back in 57 because in the Bronx, she met this chick named Goyin. And Goyin introduced her to taking numbers on the corner. And they got so popular, these two hot chicks taking numbers

that they opened up a bodega in the Bronx in 1960 and were taking numbers. She was dating my father at the time. My father was still in Cuba. His parents were from Camarue. They were all uppity. Ha, ha, ha, drinking in white suits on, listening to regular Cuban music or guitars, no Congress.

That means black people were close, you know what I'm saying? Those Camarue people, they're uppity fucking people, you know? And my mom went back to Cuba with Goyin's mother's identity, which was Sophia Cecilia. Wow. So when my mother came to Cuba, she was Sophia. She stayed, had sex with my dad, had my sister, had me. And then they kept going back.

My mom kept traveling under that name with me. So when I was a kid, people would come to the bar and go, where's Sophia? I didn't even know what to say. Like, who's Sophia? Your mom, then my mom would come over. I'm Sophia, shut the fuck up. All my life, when my mom died,

I couldn't even collect Social Security because she never worked under the Norah Valdez. She worked under Sophia Cecilia. But these were street people that binded together. They told a story on Ari's show about her Cuban friend that came to Cuba from her and went to Chicago and her husband beat her up and my mom and dad went and picked her up.

And she became a drug dealer on 113th in Spanish Harlem. And my mother and her were, and when my mother died, she took care of me after my, she swore to my mother in the fucking death bed at the wake that she was gonna take care of this motherfucker. And every Sunday she'd bring me 200 bucks and a nickel bag of reefer. That's a different type of character.

That's a different type of character. They don't have that no more. They had a cold and you pay attention to somebody who's talking about somebody else and they'd be like, oh, that's who you are. It was the detectors were so sharp back then. They knew they could see you coming from a mile away and say, that right there,

that's not made up of what were made up. So, turn this way. And I grew up like that. And sometimes my friends are like, you know, like when my dad, we go with him and he sits down, he doesn't get up to fix a plate. He knows one of us is gonna fix it for him. And my friend was like, that's a chauvinist.

And I'm like, no, that's the king of our castle. And he will take a, he will die for us. And so he gets a certain respect for that because that's, you can't buy that. And that's just how we were raised. I don't, I don't, he was a product of how he grew up. And I could never hold him accountable for that. That is what, what I think you talk about your mom.

Those people had to make it happen. It was not optional. They would figure out a way to make it happen. And they had to do whatever they had to do to take care of their family. Cause family always comes first. And it's just a different time and a different, a different makeup.

My dad, I knew that when he said he was gonna be somewhere at five o'clock, he was gonna be there. I knew he was gonna be there. He would be there at 4.59. And I have nothing but respect for him. I don't hold any of the, that what he didn't, what he did out of ignorance against him. Cause I knew that it all came with the best heart intentions.

Like when I knew that he was watching me at school, I knew he was just trying to protect me from myself because I could have, I could have just been a statistic. And you know, when my mom would take me to the doctor, he would tell the, like he'd be like, check to see if she's still a virgin. Oh my God. And now they consider that, you know,

violating someone's privacy. But we were not, we didn't have privacy when we were growing up. That was their house. We just lived there. And he would be like, oh yeah. All right, do you want to see a senorita? Find out if she's a virgin.

Cause there were, but I knew that he just, that was just his way of expressing love. But I knew I could count on her. And I could count on the people on the lab. I look at my daughter, man, and I worry about me. Like I had a daughter taken from me, but I think of the stuff I was doing in front of her, the stuff that she was seeing at that early age,

because that's how I was raised. I was raised in early age. I'm not here to lie. We all lie, you know? We all make mistakes. We get excited. We exaggerate. Whatever the fuck you do.

But I'm not living a lie, you know? People, I get 80 fucking emails a week, 40 of them. You're real. We come up to you and talk to you, you know? Yeah. I was raised to be real. I was raised that if you don't like that person, don't smoke this pot.

That's right. If you don't like that person, why are you taking a ride from him? You don't like, you know how many fucking emails I get a week about this? Listen, why you email me to tell me that Lee, or you don't like me, or you don't like the sound? Just fucking move on with your life.

All of a sudden, all of a sudden life is yelp. Everybody wants to yelp, people. Well, I don't think, who gives a fuck what you think? You think when I'm fucking shot and I'm bouncing my daughter at the fucking park, I'm worried about what the fuck do you think? I really don't. I really don't.

And if you think people are really acting like that, you're fucking mistaken. Nobody gives a fuck. I don't give a fuck. When I'm with my kid or with my wife, I don't give a fuck. I really don't, you know? Somebody called me and said,

hey man, they want to see you at 5.45. That's my kid time, dog. Am I picking up an envelope? No, they want to see you for a project. And they can see me at 10.45 tomorrow. I don't give a fuck about you fucking. A lot of people don't have that freedom. I don't have any other way to live either.

I don't know any other way to live. You know, I don't know if it was that day on the plan where you know, that Sunday, that little, where we land? No, no. I went somewhere after I didn't see. I went to Oklahoma. I have a new rule when I'm in public.

I look at the nicest white person. If he gets aggravated, then I got all the green light. You understand me? I look for the nicest white family. If they start getting mad, then I'm, until they don't get mad, I'm not allowed to get mad. That's hilarious. That's my new rule.

What level of anger though? I go right to 10. As soon as I see a nice white person, get mad. What do they have to do? Hey, what the fuck is going on here? The rules. Somebody's cutting, you know, whatever the fuck thing they mind, fuck they got.

Okay? I don't say a word until the gentiest, Gentile goes off. Once the nicest white guy in the fucking airport or wherever it goes off, I'm his backup. I'm his backup. That's my new rule in public, because I'm an asshole. I'm an asshole, I know it. That's my new fucking rule, you know?

Oh yeah, he's fucked up. Like a can of worms and shit. I look at my daughter now, this little two-year-old, she's going through that thing now. She's going through her daddy thing. You know, I got a tiptoe out of the house at night. There's some nights I can pick her up and go, daddy's going to work and our kids are gonna go, bye-bye.

But it's getting fuel far between, you know, I can't. When I see her at the pool, she gets excited. It makes me feel good, but it makes me mad because the other girl I had was the same way and even worse, the first one, and they talked her out of it. These fucking people who walk around like they're, you know, like the family, like when you go to the house

to eat, when you're walking on the stairs, they all come out and hug each other and wave at you as a family. That's the hands she's playing, but she took this kid from me, you know what I'm saying? And I knew where I came from. My dad was in numbers, my mom did the numbers, my mom did blow, whatever the fuck,

but they raised the man. I mean, her influence in my life was so strong that all I ever worked for was to get to where I am now. And now I can, if I die, I can walk into hell, I have it, and go, I did a lot of fucked up shit, but I turned my life around, you know what I'm saying? I end up, no, no, just give me that one, wait a minute, you gotta have this.

I had some from it, no. Oh, then give me another one. That's what I was gonna say. You gotta give me some Joey Germs and shit. You know what I'm saying? Next thing you know, I'm walking around all confused. Bro, three stars. I look at, I can't pull, like right now,

the Cuban in me wants to stop what I'm doing, get a knife and go chop their heads off, you know? Right. Because that's the Cuban in me, like that, you know, they took something from me. I stayed hit, you know what I'm saying? Like right now, but I can't do that. The nice Cuban in me has to accept it

and move on with that life, you know what I'm saying? No, that time on the plane, you fucked with my head, I had to check myself when I went home. I had to go home and look at my daughter's picture and check myself because, you know what, man? I'm like that about him. If I love you, I got your back to the end.

I'm old school. I yelled at him the other day for watching nine episodes of Black as Orange. Because who's got nine hours to do something? You know, five years from now, he's gonna go, I'm broke and I'm gonna go, maybe you shouldn't have watched those nine episodes that Friday.

Maybe something would have happened. Even if you went to 7-Eleven, what a lot of you take it. Anything's better than watching nine episodes. A lot of people think that, like I'm yelling at them. No, that's what a man does. You know what I'm saying? Like what the fuck? Nobody else is gonna say that to them.

You know what they're gonna tell them? They say, oh my God, that's such a fun day. Binge TV walked. What binge? What binge? Get the fuck out there and go make 200. Then you come home and watch two episodes, nine episodes. But to the common person, they're like,

you're picking on Lee. No, I'm not picking on Lee, dog. I'm looking out for Lee. In two years, one day Lee's gonna come up to me and go, dog, you were right. He's not gonna, yesterday he looked at me like I had three eyes. He told me the week before his girlfriend was sick.

And I told him, if your girlfriend's sick on a Friday, you ain't no doctor, take her home. You got work to do. Hey, oh no way. Right or wrong, you know? To some people, they're like, that's cruel and punishment. If she ain't gonna suck your dick, what are you having around for?

She's sick. Take her home. You ain't Dr. Chavago. Take her out, put her later on. Give her some soup, but why do you want to touch her? That was very human. No, I don't know why. I used to have a girlfriend that was hotter than shit

about 50, before Terry. Before I dated my wife, I had this little wife for me. And she had good pussy and I bring cocaine over and she let me put rocks in her ass and shit. But I was a coke fiend, you know what I'm saying? And when I even looked out for my coke, before I got there, I took a little bit out of her package for me, I wasn't gonna give her all the coke.

I would call, she would call me and go, where are you? But I knew when she was gonna get her period. I knew those five days, what am I gonna go over there for? She got her period, I don't wanna see you. I'm gonna give you coke, I can't do nothing, to talk to you. That's how I really, Ada's looking at me, I can't believe it.

That's how I really fucking think, Ada. You waste it, I'm gonna go over there and eat that bloody pussy. I don't wanna see that just disgust. But anyway, when I said that to him, he looked at me all weird. I didn't mean it, but he knows where I'm coming from. Right.

You know, and nobody else gonna tell you that. People are like, oh, that's so sweet of you, taking the day off to take care of your girlfriend. Fuck you with this. I need to check on my couch coffin and shit. Sitting there laying there, demanding soup and it's cold and it's hot. Go to your mother's house, don't take care of your day.

I got work to do. I got fucking work to do, you know what I'm saying? You gotta, you know, and that's what, my mother used to get me up every morning and say, you gotta look at the sun. Who sleeps till nine o'clock in the morning? That's right. You know, all those little things, I thank her for today.

I thank her for all those things that toughen me to fuck up. What do you talk about basketball? What do you mean? You gotta walk up to 57's, you gotta pay the fucking phone bill. Remember when you had to pay the phone bill in person? Those were my chores. I couldn't go to my mother.

I didn't know what I was doing till the next day. Like I didn't have no fucking plans. Like, oh, I'm gonna go to Disneyland, no, no, no, no. You gotta go pay the mortgage. I left you a check for 800 and I left you the phone bill for $44, go pay it. How do I get there? Walk, go to exercise.

It's nice, you're 10 years old and don't let nobody take that fucking check. Yes. I used to put a chain on my neck, right? This, like a chain like this and go, don't let nobody touch in the first grade. Like a thick gold chain. Take it to PS 166, don't let nobody touch it.

She was testing me, she was teaching me, dog. You know, who does that with that kid today? Today your kid gets pushed. You write a documentary about getting bullied. Can you fucking believe that? Can you fucking believe that? They either get bullied, they either have autism or they're allergic to peanuts.

Every kid got a fucking problem. When I was a kid, you were either a dummy or you were fucking on the ball, right or wrong. You either a retard without the chinky eyes or you were a fucking, oh yeah. Fuck it. It's Wednesday night, cock suckers. Let me give you some shout outs here

and we'll get the fuck out of here. Paul Lynch, Don Salazzu, Rulo, Chung Kennedy, you know I love you Chung. No offense with the Chinese joke. Lloyd Brady Ferguson, you bad motherfucker. Thank you for drawing that for your uncle Joey. Kevin Cruss, Joe Cravens, awkward 420 and 300, Rummy.

You bad motherfuckers. So talk to me, what's been going on after the last comment? You're on the road, you're selling out. Spanish people ain't showing up, you know. What the fuck? They think that I'm gonna draw the Latino whistle. I'm gonna blow the Latino up over there. Club owners come in like,

what happened, there's not enough fucking Spanish people we made tortilla chips. So I've been talking. You have a special on fish tacos. The fish tacos are delicious. I've been going all over the country and I just came back from Dallas, Texas. All right.

Where they got a little tired on me but I was in Denver a few weeks before and they were cool and in Portland they were cool. But I will let you. Did you go to Helium? Yeah I did. How cool was that club? I love it there.

Did you get the Cuban sandwich? No I didn't. I didn't know they had a Cuban sandwich. They got a Cuban sandwich. I don't think that. I think they took it off the menu. It ain't bad. Oh really?

It's very avant. They got a lot of Cuban food in Portland when I went there the last time though. It's very avant-garde but I tell you I hate ranch dressing. Fucking hate it. I don't even like it on the table with me. They got spicy flame ranch.

It'll change your life with tater tots. Oh yeah. Helium. Lisa told me he'll put one in his little culo and she'll let the Mexican smoke his pipe when she's coughing and shit. Disgusting. Disgusting.

How high are you Lee? Lee keeps falling asleep. He's the highest probably. Oh my god. You're pretty high yourself. That fucking star hit you. You gotta see your little eyes. You look beautiful.

Thank you. You're very beautiful man. I appreciate that. You're very beautiful. So what else is going on? They're offering you TV deals. Yeah we're working on some TV stuff. Oh you already, you know how many people

do you know that have had development deals? Everybody. So yeah, I've been talking to, but you know I've been writing my own stuff and I'm just, I'm working on my own stuff. I put my own shows up. I make my own movies, my own little independent movies. And I just, Thomas Edison said,

everything comes to he who hustles while he waits. So I live by that. I don't have that lazy blood. I can't just sit around and do it. I have to be doing something. You don't watch nine episodes of black as orange. Orange is the new black. I'll fucking kill you cocksucker.

No I can't. You're lucky I love you. And I don't wake, I wake up at seven in the morning every day. You have to. You know when I was doing drugs, I'm up early. Yeah, just certain little fucking things make a difference, you know what I'm talking about.

I had a lot of help growing up from friends and I lovely Lee knows that he's a bad motherfucker. You know Lee lost like a hundred pounds and shit. Oh congratulations, Lee. You gotta see his thongs, he's going for it. He's gonna go to the Jewish Community Center to learn how to swim. Uh oh.

My dad was thinking about you. They have free swimming classes at the Jewish Community Center in Sherman Oaks. And they teach you how to swim. The guy who was an Olympian, Larry Krozovsky, he speaks from Israel. Yeah. Fucking pretty interesting shit, man.

I was gonna tell you go up there and show him the physique. My mom, to a business woman, listens like our entire life. I'm a good swimmer. Good for you. You should go over there to the Jewish Community Center. It's free. Just go in there, rush it, shine it, give them a hug.

Fuck it. Look at the fucking shape of you. 375. What gives a fuck? Last week I gave you 800 but I didn't tell you and you weren't half as high. When I dose him, I give him like 800 milligrams. He don't know nothing.

He walks out of here, but he knows the numbers and then he starts doing the math and he starts scaring himself. You're onto something. You're onto something. It's just the right fucking thing and the right fucking channel. Thank you.

You're onto something. I don't say that to a lot of people. The last, I put a lot of woman comics on this show. I'm a fan of women comics. Like I don't like what people say that women are not funny. There's nights I've walked into a club and I've laughed at you.

I've laughed at dozens of women. Listen, you want me to tell you I fucking fell off my chair and puke? No. But you hit me. You fucking hit me. You know what I'm saying? You caught me at that moment.

Now I became a fan because I know how hard it is for a woman. I know how hard it is. I used to go to Havana Chubbock. Oh yeah. Havana Chubbock is what it was. And you know what, man? If she wasn't such a fucking witch anymore,

I would recommend you to go. I would even fucking give you the dough to go because you'd be, she had two Oscar winners and they were both tall and lanky. That's what she liked. She had to release the run and she had the black girl, right? Yeah.

The year before. What's her name? Halle Berry. Halle Berry. She had Halle Berry in there. And I remember going to the master class to watch and she had women stripping down naked. That's what she'd do to women.

She would break you down. A lot of women would quit. I remember in my medium class, they had to do a scene from the movie Harvey with what's his name. And they put a girl in that scene that was beautiful and had to make out with her. Do you know how fucking embarrassed I was?

Oh my God. I felt so embarrassed for the girl. I couldn't even do it. I didn't even show up that day to do the fucking scene. Make out with a stranger for free. Get the fuck out of here. I was embarrassed. Oh my God.

But that's the acting. That's how they teach you. But they said she was the best with women. She was, once you got to her level, she would rock you. But now it's not that what it is. Now the master class is for people to say it's the master class. 15 years ago when I got here, bro,

the master class started at seven. There was a line at four for people to go watching the back like agents and TBS and people like that. But now it's just a bunch of kids with tattoos that have birds on their fucking shoulders telling people they're actors and shit. You're shooting a special or anything like that? I've been working on my hour.

I've been working on it. But I'm not putting it out until I've never put out an hour. I don't do those DVDs and put my stand up out there. You don't sell tickets. You don't sell DVDs after shows. No, I sell shirts. But I haven't done an hour yet because I want a good hour. I really want a good one.

And I've only been doing stand up seven years. So I've just started. I'm just really getting started to me. Like a lot of people that I know that started with me think that they're like, they've arrived. No, no, no. It's such a long way to go. You know, at the 10 year mark, you think you've arrived

and I tell you, it becomes something else at 14 or 15. I heard that. And then for me, the light went off at, I can't lie to you, the light went off at 18. Wow. I didn't, I didn't, I got it. I just didn't want to do it. It was in front of me,

but I didn't want to make that little commitment because you got to make the commitment in your mind first to be a headliner, to go home at night and really put pieces together and really look at your material. And I can't take myself. I can't hear my voice. So I have a hard time.

So sometimes Lee does the sets with me. Not tonight, because he's not gonna even remember where I take him. But I started working a little harder to get, there's the MC level, there's the feature level. And then you could be a feature. People throw the word headliner around and it takes a long time.

And you're very lucky. And I'll tell you why, because they threw you into the mouth of the line. That's the way to make a headliner. You don't make a headliner by saying, feature him for a year. No, headline that motherfucker. And one day at the eight month mark,

you'll go, oh shit. Oh, I get it. Hit him hard for 18. Pulled it back for seven. Now you got 25. Pick it back up till about 35. Let them drop tabs. Warm them up, massage their balls

and then fucking adjust all the fucking missiles and read it down, five, four. And hit them with seven minutes of just death. And you get out of there at the 50 minute mark and everybody's fucking happy. But before that, you're putting those chunks together, but you have to pick up that spine too. I'm really happy for you because I wish people

were headlining me at the seven year mark. I was petrified. I was very content with doing 18 minutes and running the fuck out of it and going and doing blow. And people coming up to you saying, you were the funniest. I like you the most. That's still the worst, I hate that shit.

And it's just, I hate when I was a feature, people come up to me and go, oh, you were better than the headliner. Who gives a fuck? He's the one that's getting fucking 28,000 fucking dollars. Exactly. I'm funny in the head. Who gives a shit in the fuck away from me?

Thank you. Ada, where are you at next? Thank you. I'm going to Japan to entertain our true. Okay, that's not bad. No, I know, but because of what you said, that people used to come up to that. They come up to that now.

That's their first joke. And then I'm going to do the Home Field Comedy Club in Miami on July 9th and 10th. That's a good little fucking club there. Oh, yeah, yeah. Up and down that strip, they got 10 million little Cuban places. You just pull over, people talk to you.

You got a couple potatoes, you got a little coffee. Coffee, eat. And you're good to go. There's a gym, there's a little mallet. Oh, okay. Mallet Center. Real nice people around there, you know? Oh, I'm looking for, yeah, I'll be there July 9th.

I love you to death, man. I love you too. It reminds me of home. I took the family on the flight. Well, you brought me home that day a little bit too much. I had to go home and smoke some pot and break it down in my head. But besides that, let me give the fucking sponsors

and get the fuck out of here, Lisa. Before he passes out on me. First off, a beautiful shout out to my people on it. On it.com for all your supplements. It all starts with AlfaBrain, brother. What the mind can conceive, the body can achieve. You know what I'm saying? You want to do three pushups,

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If you like something, go to the box and press in. Church. Boom! And get 10% off and it gets delivered to your house. You like the product. You want to get it delivered to your house every month? Check the fucking box and you have to stay on the program. Excuse me, I had a little fucked up thing in my throat

where it goes directly to your house, all right? Onit.com, the leader in supplements and whatever that big word is. I forget from time to time. I don't have a mom right now, but whenever I go to the gym, I wear meundies, okay? You're like, Joey, why? Why?

Because they keep everything in place. They pull the sweat out of your body. Nothing is moist down there. Your balls don't stink. They also have them for females and males. They have t-shirts. They got great cut off shorts, like those sweatpants that you cut off the knees.

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And get 20% off and free shipping in Canada and the United States. All right, listen. They're a little on the fuck with their 20 bucks, but these things last for a long time. How many times you go to fucking Target and you buy three sets of underwear for $20 and all of them disintegrate after a fucking summer.

Between your ball sweat and the fucking washing machine. Meundies, I've had the same meundies since February. They fit tremendously. The cup fits. Everything is beautiful. Yeah, something happened to me. I do get to, you always say they keep your balls in. It popped down all again, it was crazy.

That's why you gotta get the meundies, Leo, right? But don't believe me. Go to meundies.com and press in. Joey. Boom! Get 20% off and free shipping in Canada and the United States. Let me talk to you about something, right?

Today, I'm sitting there and I'm talking to the fucking advertising guy about Blue Apron. And I'm fucking starving. I'm stoned. My wife said some fucking doctor's appointment. The baby's at preschool. I'm sitting there by myself and everything I had in the house with high carbs and shit.

I'm sitting there like, what the fuck can I eat? I get off the phone with the guy in the head. I was like, when was the last time you had a box from Blue Apron? I go there one time with some great stuff that haven't sent another one. I hang up with him. I go out to my balcony to smoke a number

and what's on my balcony? A box from fucking Blue Apron, dog. I took that motherfucker in the kitchen. I opened it up. Listen, I'm not a good cook, even if they sent me the recipe. They send your recipes, but you give them straight to your fucking wife.

That's what I did. Well, let's talk about this, all right? I mean, who the fuck wants to cook when you get home after work? Or you gotta go wait in line at the fucking grocery store and then you gotta cook a fucking meal and cut shit. And then that's where a new service, Blue Apron, comes in. All right?

Blue Apron delivers. And they even had a fucking lemon in there. Like for the cod, they even had a fucking lemon in there for the cod. I seen the lemon, I seen the shallots. I seen everything and everything smelled fresh. The fucking onions were fresh. When I go to my supermarket,

when I go to fucking Ralph's, I don't know what I'm getting half the time. Sometimes the apples are good, but the melons are hard. The avocados are always fucking bad. The mangoes are always fucking bad. Everything was fucking tremendous, all right? They give you ingredients.

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Let me tell you what the menu was this week, all right? For two people, it was beautiful. She had seared steaks with mashed potatoes, hoisin' meatballs with brown rice, and fucking weros, rancheros. And for the fucking family plan, it was Italian meatballs and Mexican fried rice. You're like, Joey, what's Mexican fried rice?

I had no fucking idea, but it looked delicious in the picture, all right? But hey, what do you believe me for? You want it for date night, you want to cook with friends, even for family, they're kid-friendly, and each meal is 500 to 700 calories per serving, all right? And everything's good.

The last stuff, box I got, I think I got fish the one night, my wife got some lamb chops, and I forget some Italian stuff, and all three meals were delicious, at least the two that I had. But what do you give a fuck, all right? You're sitting there going, Joey,

what do you got for me? You cook incredible meals and be blown away by the quality and the freshness. So do this for me, all right? Check out this week's menu and get two free meals by going to blueapron.com slash Joey. That's blueapron.com slash Joey. That's right, two free meals, my fucking treat.

That's how I'm working tonight. And you're going, Joey, what else you got? You're trying to sell me underwear and fucking vitamins, and now you got food that comes to your house and it gets delivered and I got to cook it. That's a fucking great idea. Guess what else I got for you? Bam, fucking snacks, all right?

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They got regular fucking South Pacific plantains. They got the chocolate nom-noms. Listen, I'm old school on your motherfuckers. Go to naturebox.com and look at the great selection of snacks, nutritionists approved, they're fucking healthy. You could only eat five of them and seal them up. This shit fucking works. Go to naturebox.com and press in.

No, go to naturebox.com slash Joey. Boom, you don't have to press in dick. Go to naturebox.com slash Joey, fill out the fucking stuff and they'll send you a sample box direct to your house for free. All you gotta do is pay for shipping, maybe about two bucks. Don't fucking cry, right? Nothing is life and free.

Always remember that. At the end, you're always gonna end up sucking somebody's dick. I'm just telling you right now in case they don't know it, Ada. And that's Ada's looking at me like, what the fuck's he talking about? I'll tell you what I'm talking about.

Nature box free. Blue apron, fucking free. Honor.com, 10% off, and me on these 20% off and free delivery. No sucky, no fucking. That's how we do it here on the church. I love you guys. I wanna thank Ada one more time.

Ada, where you going the next three weeks? I'm going to Japan in two weeks to entertain the Marines. I'll be in Miami, October. To Homestead? Yeah. What's your website? Funnyaid.com, funnyada.com. You single, Ada?

I am. If you think Ada's beautiful, hit me up on Twitter, maybe. Let me check you out. Let me do a background check. It's $69.95 to submit your little fucking paperwork to me and shit to check out. Ada, you're looking very beautiful.

Thank you. You're a true Latin fucking princess and I wish you all the luck in the world. Aw, thanks. And thank you for giving me advice on my anger issues before I even get there with my daughter. Cause look at this fucking mummy of death who's falling asleep.

All right, I love you guys. I'm gonna be a wise guys this weekend. And next weekend I'm gonna be a lap Boston Thursday, Friday and Saturday. One more time for Lisa, Ada. One more time for Ada. One more time for Anand, me and these. Nakedchabox.com, Blue Apron, Haiti, Sigs.

I love you all, man. Naileditlife.com, I love you all. Have a great week, all right? Stay black and beautiful. I'm just one, I'm on with your time. Yep. All right, anybody else want to do the stuff? Why don't you come and let me know

and I'm gonna drop you off the phone. I don't know. You're talking to me. Fuck, doc. Keep your head. You listening to me? I'm listening to you. Good?

Yeah. This show is brought to you by Blue Apron. Blue Apron sends gourmet recipes and all the fresh ingredients. You need to make them right to your door. Our listeners get their first two meals free. Just go to blueapron.com slash joey and start cooking incredible meals at home

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Oh, shit. Oh, shit. The sky is burning. I've laid my souls on fire. You are. I'm learning the peace of mind as I am. Yeah. Waiting for the van to arrive.

The purpose for the life of our side. Don't go on, it's a rock and now I'm gonna say. Look at me anyway, oh yeah. The sky is burning. I've laid my souls on fire. You are. I'm learning the peace of mind as I am. Yeah.

Waiting for the country to be in our way. The purpose and purpose of everything. The purpose and purpose of everything. The purpose and purpose of everything. The purpose and purpose of everything. Oh, yeah. The sky is burning. I've laid my souls on fire.

You are. I'm learning the peace of mind as I am. Oh, yeah. The sky is burning. I've laid my souls on fire. You are. I'm learning the peace of mind as I am. Yeah.

The sky is burning. I've laid my souls on fire. You are. I'm learning the peace of mind as I am. Yeah. The sky is burning. I've laid my souls on fire. You are.

I'm learning the peace of mind as I am. Yeah. The sky is burning. I've laid my souls on fire. You are. I'm learning the peace of mind as I am. I've laid my souls on fire. I've laid my souls on fire.

I'm working on a railroad. Every day. But the can't keep me here. And I'm not gonna stay. I got to get out of this place. I don't see no baby. It's burning. Yeah, I'm burning.

I'm burning. I've laid my souls on fire. You are burning. Yeah. Yeah. Oh.