Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #295 - Brian Scolaro

Episode Date: June 30, 2015

Brian Scolaro, Comedian and Actor seen on "Conan," "Mad Men," and "Sullivan and Son", joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for five Hit E Cig's for $50 Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by using code word joeydiaz. They are also produce some of the best edibles on the market, Los Gummies Hermanos Recorded live on 06/29/15 Music:  You're The One For Me - D Train Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet Hair Of THe Dog - Nazareth

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When you go to hitesigs.com, use co-word joey's church to get five hitesigs or e-cigars for $50. It's a Monday night, motherfuckers. We're taking it to the hilt. Here we go. It's that type of party tonight. And then you got to get up early. You're installing pipe and you're fucking mowing the lawn. You know, whatever the fuck you're going to do, it's over. Roll the number. We're going deep tonight to the murky waters. Brian Scalaro. The flying Jew. And yours truly. June 29th, motherfuckers. Where's the Chinese guy? Keep that motherfucker live. It's just getting warmed up. This is deep, brother. Bam, bam, bam.

You guys thought it was safe. Get into that valley. That might be it. What are you going to do, fuck it? We'll just tape this motherfucker put it on my toes. Keep it up, keep it up, keep it up. This is the fucking heavy part right here. This is the part you're going to see the devil in for sure and shoot heroin or whatever it is you want to do. Fuck the infected mushrooms. Here you go. There's no jumping up and down here. Straight up getting on your hands and knees. Shoot the needle in your arm and fucking nod. Here you go.

Look at these motherfuckers, Lee. Little asses never hurt nobody. Back on at the flame of light, burns low. Pick that shit, Lee. What? That's as good as it gets, ladies and gentlemen. Turn that kid off. People are going to jump off the window and say, these are young kids and shit. And right now, thinking about their dads, they're about to fucking jump. That's too heavy for a Monday night. That's why I'm playing it for a second.

B, what is it, Brian Scolaro? Just to have you on tonight. Yeah, thanks so much for it right now. I'm a fan of the show, so it's cool. You're a fucking master comic and it's time. Thank you. I bump into you at the comedy store. Tell me you're not at the comedy store because, you know, some Johnny come lately. You're a bad motherfucker. Thanks, man.

It was funny because of my total lead that you had contacted me. Because you went away for a few weeks. I went away for like four weeks a month, yeah. Four weeks? I guess that's four weeks, yeah. Where were you? I was in, I did Ohio and then I went to New York for three weeks. We're in Ohio.

And I cleave them. And then I did all of Manhattan and hung out with my brother and my friends and did shows. It was so great. I go to Manhattan, I do seven shows a night sometimes. I write a joke for the six o'clock show and then the joke is much better by midnight show. And I'm much stronger and forget it and start all over again. But it's so much fun to have that many shows. Where do you stay when you go back home?

My parents, otherwise I wouldn't see them. Queens. Yeah, if I woke up in Manhattan and be like, I don't need to go to Queens to see my parents. Is the house you grew up in? From like eighth grade on, yeah. How's the neighborhood changed? There's a big supermarket now across the street, like a big shop, stop and shop. A big, you know, shop right type of place.

And with my neighborhood all fought it. They were like, no, no, it's going to make traffic. And now they all just shop there. All the old ladies. Anything left? Any Italian delis left? Not much, man. Which deli pizza places?

There's some, yeah, some places, you know. My father took me to a fucking Italian deli for dinner. It was fucking awesome. There's a great restaurant called Alberto. Do you like Italian food? Oh, please. It's one of my favorite places on earth called Alberto. And it's on Metropolitan Avenue.

I get the shrimp parmesan and the stuffed artichoke. They're stuffed with fondant and cheese. It's fucking great. And we get baked clams. And then we get Caesar salad with anchovies on it. It's fucking awesome. That's the way Caesar salad, I like my Caesar salad spicy. There's a place in Houston, Texas that was a hotel.

That you had to fucking eat the salad with a beer. It was spicy. How do they make it spicy? Like the dressing? Anchovies, yeah, the dressing. Just really, no red chunks. I like that, man. There's a steak place, Morton's Steakhouse.

They make your Caesar salad by the table. And I just go, can you make more anchovies, please? And just put them aside for me because nobody else likes them. But I fucking really like anchovies and Caesar salad. Jesus Christ, I'm stoned. We must be talking about food for like, make sure you dig all anchovies, dog. Anchovies don't fuck around.

I was going to jerk off. How was your weekend, Tarzan? Oh, it was great. What'd you do? We went and saw a double feature at the New Beverly of Blues Brothers. And then, which was great. And then Cheech and Chong's like last movie, which is, it was okay. But then it just didn't end.

What year was it? What was it? 80. Both were 80. What was the name of that one with Cheech and Chong? Was that the van that they turned into weed? Yeah. And somebody smoked a joint and threw it.

And the van started burning on fire and shit. That's one of the good ones. That was 80? Yeah. Stacy Keech is in that movie. Yes. And he gets stoned from the van. And then when the van goes on fire and then the movie ends,

everybody gets stoned, everybody gets arrested. We were up on those films. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I like Cheech and Chong. That first 20 minutes of stills of up and smoke is genius. You know? Wait, I've never seen anybody do that much acid before. Tommy Chong brought me on stage at Gotham Live recently and never met him.

Did you ever meet him? No. He was very nice. And he wouldn't memorize the credits. He was like Brian Scalia from Comedy, Comedy What? Comedy Central. Brick, come on up here. Like that was my intro.

And then at the end, he couldn't read the names off the cue cards. So I would whisper in his ear what the names were. Because the show's live. He couldn't fuck up. So then I'd tell him the names. And then I told him my name. And he looked around for me and I was like, it's me. And I just hugged him.

It was just funny. He's naturally just like that. What year did Big Bamboo come out? Big Bamboo. Yeah. Bamboo or whatever. That was just a Mary elephant, correct? Yeah, I don't know.

All those sketches are on there. I don't know. That was like one of the first. I got introduced to Pryor first. Right. A junkie named Doom Buggy from Union City, New Jersey, Doom Buggy. Doom Buggy. Big Bamboo was released in 1972.

Wow. Yeah. Fourth grade. I was a boy then. I was right. No, because I was going as Sacred Heart and the fourth grade. It's one of the kids brought an eight track and some shit. Right.

And we were giggling that. And it was Sister Mary Elephant. I think Sister Mary Elephant is on the album, did it say? That's the first album. The first track of Side One. All right, Sister Mary Elephant. We grew up, you know, that was like humorous when you were in the fourth grade. Right.

Then it came with a rolling paper, which was fucking. Yeah, I've heard that. Yeah. It just blew your fucking mind, you know, like this big rolling paper. And I think like two times in my youth, people tried to roll it or roll it in those days. Yeah. That was two ounces a week, you know. And then, yeah, I heard Dad and Pryor and then King Tut was big.

King Tut came out about 73, 73. That was a Saturday Night Live. Yeah, yeah. King Martin did up for a while. Yeah, yeah. I still like the words. I still like people doing stand up. Yeah, I love the word.

I love that, you know. There's something great about watching somebody rant and seeing what's inside their head. And if they can get to a punch on like you and Gerardo can, it's wonderful. Some people really fuck up that medium. But seeing like somebody write a skit and the skit just kills you, it's something special about it, I think. It gets me off as somebody who like grew up watching skits and movies, you know. I like scripts.

I remember running home to see what's inside that live. Right. And it was just like the Belushi stuff. Like I really enjoyed it. I didn't think it was off the grid funny. Right. They were selling it to me, you know, the fucking balloon and all that shit. But there was samurai sketches were good.

There was something that came around that was just very different. Very different at the time. And it changed American comedy that fucking generation. When I met Bill Murray's brother, I was like, you're like John Adams for American comedy. Like an American comedy change during the seventies. You know, that's when Carson really hit it off and the fucking sat alive and the cheats and chug and then all the stand-ups changed, you know, from Lenny Bruce, George Carlin, Mitch Pryor.

They just went down the line, even Robert Klein to some extent. They all just started doing this original thing and they changed it off from Catskills. David Brenner. Yeah. And I was a child. And they just changed it to this, what it is now, American comedy, changed in the seventies. And, you know, it's great when you think about it. I still remember Samford and Son really influenced me.

Two guys in the living room making you laugh for a half hour. Just two guys making you laugh for a half hour. Really? Yeah. Took me to the next level like freedom, what you could say with your words. Yeah. You know, then Chico and the man came along. Yeah.

And that was great for a guy like me because he was Puerto Rican. Yeah. And the one that killed me, the one that I'm ashamed a lot of times, I still watch them once a week just to keep me in check. And that's The Honeymooners. I probably got... I fucking love The Honeymooners. I probably got, you know, 16 episodes on DVR.

Why would you be ashamed of that? Because when I watch The Honeymooners now, I see how much I stole from Jackie. Do you know what I'm saying? I did too, man. Love consciously as a child. Is that stealing or you were influenced? To go to the corner and do him. Yeah.

You know, I still remember being on a bus and, you know, Whitey O'Donnell being Norton and us doing sketches on the bus. And the bus driver had to pull over and go, you guys, you got to knock it off. You know, we'd get on the bus and automatically, Brian, it was, you know, ta-da-da-da-da. We'd start with the odd couple. Right. The whole spiel on November 23rd and ask his man to throw me my... Wow.

And then from there, we'd go to, you know, Samford and Son. And from there, we'd go to a sketch from The Honeymooners, you know, the $10,000 question or the fucking, the chef of the future. Yeah. Can it core an apple? Oh, my God. But, you know, you learned and it's hard to explain to somebody who doesn't comedy. There's two movies that really taught me how to act.

Right. And it was a piece of me. Right. And those two films are Transplains and Automobiles. That's fucking nice. And The Honeymooners. Oh, yeah. And Blues Brothers is up there.

Yeah. Because it taught me that the funny guy sometimes is the more powerful guy, the guy that doesn't say dick. Norton, to me, is so fucking powerful. Yeah, yeah. So powerful. He's dry. He's so powerful as a comedic actor.

Yeah. And nobody talks about this motherfucker. When I see Norton... Well, you won an Academy Award, but most people never saw that movie. And it was like an old dramatic movie. What movie was it? It was called Tonto. Right?

I don't know. I think it's called Tonto. I think it's called Harry and Tonto. I don't know. I think it's called Harry and Tonto. I don't know. He was the shit his timing for The Honeymooners. He drove the show.

He was in fucking Packable. You know, before... Can you see who cast Donnie Brasko? Yeah. Who cast the movie? Yeah. Before the podcast, we were talking about an acting workshop that my wife gave me. It cost $200.

In those days, $200 to us was something that we didn't even have. Right. And my wife weight just extra ships and got me this workshop I got. Right. The guy's name was John Something. And he was from Newark. And he's a big, curly-head Italian guy. And growing up in Newark, he became friends with a guy named...

The Web of Play. Okay. So there's... I got lost. Louis De Jamo? Louis De Jamo. He went to school in Newark. One of his best friends was Pistone.

Mm-hmm. He's from Jersey. Okay. So he became friends. So when that whole movie got sold, he took it to... Which movie? Louis De Jamo. Donnie Brasko.

Wow. So he cast Hannibal, too. He cast Hannibal. Yeah. This guy cast some movies. And he's like, God damn, Godfather, too. Just right then along, you wouldn't even come to see... Gladator.

Glad... What else did he cast? Wow. Read the shit. The exercises. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no. I won't yell again.

Louis De Jamo, guys, is something that just being in his presence, you come in your fucking asshole. Read the lineup. That's amazing. Clean your asshole. The films, yeah. Hannibal. Hannibal.

Donnie Brasko. Do you come backwards or does he shoot around? Oh, my God. Come out of your ass. G.I.Jane. G.I.Jane. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He cast nothing.

They don't call him... Sleepers. Yes. Sleepers was the one that really got me. After sleepers, he did one other thing that was men's... The sugar pills. He killed... I think he quit.

Rain Man. Rain Man. Guys, no, no, no, no. So when he had this... This morning in Vietnam. When he had this workshop... Right. I signed up for it and my wife gave me the present.

I went down at seven in the morning and it was with... I saw Brian Cannon when he was just an actor, pretty much. And we sat and he was just there to meet chicks. But this guy's philosophy was to light the room on fire. But then I heard like to always keep, if you want to roll, fucking fight for it. Go in there and fuck him up and then write him a thank you note and call him up and ask him and you know, stay on the guy. That's what he likes.

He likes aggressive actors. Really? And then I heard the story about Alice and the Honeymooners. They took her in the daytime and they didn't like her. They didn't like her. And then she went home and she hired a photographer to take pictures of her at seven in the morning with a cigarette in her mouth while she was cooking. And they brought those pictures and they like bring it right in and they saw her yesterday.

Those are the fucking job. Like when I made a tape for the longest yard, I just said, fuck it, I'm making my own tape center and they wouldn't see me. They wouldn't see me. So those are the things I learned from Lou DiGiama that when you want to roll and you feel you're right for this role and you could sell it, go for it. Like I don't give a fuck, go around everybody. In the old days, we could walk on a lot.

I could go blind. You're a writer at Fox. Call me on the lot. Let me drop an envelope on you. Some days are done now. You can't get on a lot. And few casting directors have offices anymore. Usually the agents make the calls and if you're making yourself, the agent gets pissed.

You're like, what are you calling her up and yelling out of the floor? I'd imagine. But you ever hear the story inbound at Bette Midler? She auditioned for a Broadway play. They didn't like, no she came in with a trench coat holding groceries with her hair wet and put down the groceries and sang the song and then pick up the groceries and left. It struck them like, oh this is a hard working woman. She just stopped them by, so she's just naturally that talented.

So they got hired. But she did it purposely. She wasn't a mother. She wasn't bringing groceries on for the kids. It was all just a certain thing. She made it seem like she just stopped by during her day and she got the point. That's what they like. There's so many little things.

It's like when people come to this town and they're looking for an agent and they mail out 20 envelopes. If you take those 20 envelopes and you hand deliver those motherfuckers and walk down and wick at the fucking receptionist and say, how are you? And she sees you. She sees your eyes are clear. You're going to call that day. I used to get calls.

I dropped 10 envelopes off. I got two calls in the fucking day. But these were from mid-range agents. You can't do that CA. They don't give a fuck. You know, ICM, they don't take that. They try once and they don't buy it. Right, they don't buy it.

But it's so now, even on the breakdowns, it says no phone calls. And these agents believe it. When I see a thing that says no phone calls, I call that motherfucker. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? That's my nature. I call it. You really do?

You really do? Listen, from 2000 to 2005, I could not get my point across in this town. I could not get my point across. And I had a manager who was relentless. He was a Jew originally from Beverly Hills. His father owned a Sherman's company. So he went to school with Paulie and the chick from the one that played the lesbian with Joe Pants and Meg Tilley and they shot the fucking guy years ago.

Oh, Gina Grishana. Gina Grishana. Mace's lips in Hollywood. Right, he knew everybody. He went to school with all these fucking people. Right. And let me tell you something. When I signed with him, I signed with him because I had shot a pilot,

a Taco Bell commercial, and I signed with him. And he got me out for shit. I don't forget that my classic story by them was he got Jimmy Schubert out for a pilot. Jimmy went out the night before it got fucked up. He called Geltlin, told him the truth. Geltlin got him in two days later for the same role, which is unheard of. Geltlin was, he'd stick his teeth into a role. He called a producer.

You know, he just knew the game. Wow. And he put me on this course that I wasn't ready for what he was sending me out for. Right. That's natural. Yeah, from 98 to 2002 maybe. In the beginnings they do that. I was not ready if he was getting me into fucking huge rooms.

I kind of saw like undisputed with what the guy from Warriors. He had me in there till the end over the holidays and they went with Johnny Rose Beef. But you know what, they came to see me at the laugh factory. He had me in the Travolta movie room with me and Billy Gardell fighting for the role of this movie. And then Travolta chose the skilled Battlestar Galactica movie. He did the Scientology. Oh yeah, yeah.

This was the Jimmy or whatever. The guy who went up against Sinatra and lost. Yeah. Yeah, I want Jimmy Roselli. Okay. This was going to be a great role for me. And at one time they said, you know what, we love Gardell and we love Diaz so much. Fuck it.

He went on the road with two stand-ups. Because the only way this guy could get work is if he sang a song in between stand-ups then he'd sell his albums after the show. He was like, fuck. So the guy came to see me. Who directed Drugstore Cowboys? That guy, he came to the fucking store. That guy's great.

That's Gus VanZan. Gus VanZan, Gus VanZan. He came to the fucking store. I had this role. I fucking go to Florida. While I'm in Florida, I got a call from Jeff and he goes, Joey, you're not going to believe this, they cancel the film. But my point being that, in 2002, he came to me like a man.

He took me out to Al Capucone. He goes, I'm leaving management. And I knew I was dead. He goes, I'm going to produce in Vegas. And my life changed after that. I had to take what I knew from the street and turn it into that. And I never forgot, I got a call one morning that Mad TV was looking for me. They were looking for a big pussy.

And the guy goes, listen, they're not going to cease people till Thursday. You don't have that type of time, Joey. Go down there. I'm telling you, go down there. They're from Boston. They'll go in there and I fucking put a warm-up suit on. And I went down there. And as I walked in, they're like, who are you here to see?

And I told them whatever the name was and she came out. And when she came out, I saw her look at me like, here's the motherfucker looking for me. But she played it cool. She goes, who sent you? I don't have an agent. And right then and there, who's to stand up before Bobby Lee? This was the original black kid. He wore-

Erie Spears? Erie Spears walked by and he goes, what's up, G? I was with- He bumped into me from the improv. He goes, what are you doing here? And I go, nothing. I'm here for the soprano role. He goes, give me five minutes.

And he took her in there. Wow. And he came out and they read me right there. And that afternoon they booked me. Because I started thinking about it. This is how you book. I have to take this to what I grew up on. You know what I'm saying?

You want to sell Coke, you don't stand in the corner. You go to Brian Scholar and listen to this. This goes for 100. No. You know, if I'm trying to cut a deal, Brian, this goes for 100. I'm going to give it to you for 75. You got to give me fuck. You want three grams, I need 200 cash up front.

I'll give you three grams for fucking 200 dollars. You know, this usually goes for fucking three, whatever. You know, it's the same thing. You got to go out there. And I got this other movie aggressively. So after that, you got nothing. Horrible movie, never went nowhere. But it was a great movie just to be on, to learn.

All those things for me, I learned. I used to go home on Wednesdays and I'd buy the backstage when I first moved here. And I'd go home, I'd do blow, and I'd lick envelopes and send letters. Hi, my name is Joey, I'm a stand-up. And I did 20 of those movies that don't pay. You know, you have to shoot them at night after the store.

Like the store closes at two. Your call time would be four AM in the fucking valley. Oh my God, I must have shot 20 horrible movies, Brian Scholar, I was learning horrible. I did these movies once with these Chinese dudes that came. And we played two valet thieves that would valet your car and then rob your house while you were eating dinner. We shot it at Vitello's.

I'll never forget that. Four in the fucking morning I'm out there. In my heart, I'm thinking I'm gonna win the Academy Award for this role. Nobody fucking sees it. Do I know that this isn't going nowhere? Yeah. You know, and I just, we went to the premiere.

The premiere was at some theater in Sherman Oaks in the back of a bowling alley and shit. That's hilarious. We went back there and they shot feet. I never saw a movie that shot more fucking feet than this thing. The guy just, I guess, had a theme. What was it, a midget camera?

Oh my God. I remember another one I sent an envelope for. I sent an envelope for this role. I got a call. They're like, your call time is downtown, but you have an agent. We have to send you a confidentiality agreement. Yeah.

They go, you're gonna shoot a scene from an upcoming movie. And nobody's ever gonna know about this because we're trying to get it to financing, but we're trying to go, this was the beginning of the independent films. I get there, it's Michelle Pfeiffer and, wow. That's it. No, and then you talk to another English dude

that played James Bond for a while. Real good looking. Daniel Craig? No, Timothy Don. Here's Bronson. We went downtown and we shot three takes. Of me and the cab, and he's a critic, and he gives her a bad review.

So now I had to shoot a scene where I have to pull up to his house while she's walking and he gets out of the cab and starts yelling out, if I give him a bad review. This is his big chance to be in this movie. Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba. We took three, four takes, three close-ups. They gave me 500 bucks and they said,

don't ever repeat this to nobody. They gave me five bills cash. You didn't think they were gonna want the money back now? This is 1998. That movie. But you just said it. Who gives a fuck? Somebody's gonna listen and come after you, Joey.

Nobody's gonna come after me. I was fucked up. I don't even remember the people's name. I'm gonna lock the door. I shot so many of those, Brian. That's why when I shoot a big-time movie, we were talking about Grudge match before. Grudge match, you were terrific.

Come on, bro. I shit my pants in that movie. But it was a great, real... I was telling you before, the realism in your acting, and yet you hit every joke. The best way anybody could, and it was real the whole time.

It reminded me of like a John Candy type actor, where you're very much in the moment and you're just still getting laughs with the material. But it sounds like you're just the person talking. It's so many people hamming up. I thought you did a great job, man. I was really proud of you. But when I'm doing that,

I think of those roles. I think of all those shits. Some people, I always think of the shitty shit when something good's going on. How you got to that path. People think, oh, Joey's lucky. He shot this with, no. I remember fucking going behind the comedy story

two in the morning, and shooting a scene where we robbed a Coke Vila. And he's got hookers and we beat them, and we never got paid, and then we had a meeting on a Sunday, and they wanted us to get friends to finance the film. Oh my God, I told you about that, Lita. They're like, do you have any friends

that want to invest? We'll take $25. And I'm like, listen, if you take 20, and this was way before Indy Go Go and fucking Kickstarter, this is going right in the guy's pocket. He's looking for, this is great. That's so embarrassing.

Guys, this is crazy shit that you meet these people, and they move on. God knows where they are. But when I did the longest shot, I kept waiting for a building to fall on me. When I was walking around that set, I kept going, listen, because who is better than me at this point?

I'm sitting there, I'm a fucking criminal, I came out of prison, here I am on a set with these guys, I got them all fooled. They think I'm funny, I'm just walking around. In the back of your mind, you're going, when are they going to figure this out? I thought I suck ass,

but I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. But the whole time you're thinking about it, they're all thinking the same thing. I'm thinking about this movie that I did, that they had me there at six in the morning, and I didn't shoot till four in the morning in Boulder, Colorado. And it was a Mike Kessler production,

Mike Kessler's daughter, she was at the University of Colorado, and they did the film department. I never told you about this, Lee. Well, you end up in the back of a truck. Yeah, and I fucked the chick, and I get chlamydia, but she blames it on me that I got, and she had a piercing on her pussy.

This is 19, this is 1991, I'm in a fucking movie where, and I'll never forget that they got me there, and I'm excited, they got me there at nine in the morning in Lions, Colorado, and I didn't go to shoot till like four in the morning, and it was no money. Well, so you were there,

you were just sitting there from nine a.m. till four a.m. And finally I go in this, they go go in the truck and go to sleep, and I went in this Toyota truck, and 10 minutes later this girl comes in, and she's like, I wanna keep you company, I'm so tired, I don't like what they're doing to you. Next thing I was, and I'm 20-something,

she's 40-something hotter than fuck, a hippie chick that was a vegetarian, and all of a sudden, she said I stuck it in her ass, I don't remember, I'm sitting there sleeping, I don't know what the fuck, but she was friends with my friend's wife, and she told him all this shit, and the boot I gave her chlamydia,

well, I think she gave me chlamydia, I don't fucking know nothing. Of course it's hilarious. I'm having a panic attack, cause I don't know how you don't know if he's stuck it up her ass. I don't fucking know. This is what I like about you, Joey.

You're on a movie set with Chris Rock, and Adam Sandler, and Tracy Morgan, and your story is about you possibly getting or giving a committee to somebody. I believe this shit. That's what I like about you. That you always got, listen man, I always like the people.

No, Adam Sandler story. You know, you gotta, listen man, when you got skeletons in the clouds, you gotta check on them from time to time. Yeah, and you grow. Yeah, yeah. I'm just saying I love it. It's really weird, like,

if not, you really believe the fucking hype. You really believe the hype. You and I both know when we're on a show, and you've been very fortunate this time. Yes, yes. You're on a show working on a sitcom actor, and after the third time that you've said the line, they're still giggling.

Yeah. You know, that's for your confidence. Some people who don't know the truth about life would walk off that set thinking to themselves that they're very, very funny. No work involved. They took improv olympic, and they went to a venture for six weeks.

And now they're in a comedic series. Right. And, you know, those series sometimes, you could tell when people are faking the funk. You know what I'm saying? You could say the line eight times, and they're howling, you know? Yeah.

And that's to build your confidence. They tell them all that shit, keep them, you know, whatever. But some people really believe that hype. It's like the feature act. Yeah, after the show, the people come up to and say, listen, you're way better than Joey Diaz. And this guy had to do 15 minutes in the middle of a show.

Really believes it, like he really says to himself, you know what, this guy, there's people who go, you know what, there's people who say that, oh, I'm better than whoever. There's people, you know, when I used to work with Rogan, people come up to me and go,

you know what, we really, really like you more than them. Do you think I went home and fucking jerked off a little myself? Yeah. No, because the next week, they're gonna say it to Lee. Yeah. You know, I would sit there at the shows.

Joe used to get mad at me a lot because people come up to him and tell him how much they hate Carlos. And I go, listen, you don't know this. These people are gonna be here when Carlos is here. Tell them how much they hate you. They're the same fucking people. Right.

They just want a chance to talk or whatever the fuck they want to do. Exactly. It's a cynicism way of looking at it. Yeah. But at the end of the day, this is how I can let this person know, this is how I can let that comic or musician know

that I'm on their wavelength and I should, I've done it. When I got a chance to meet the guys from Pathable Jokers, I knew I had to get across like how great I thought they were or I'll stay where I'm really gonna let me in. You know what I'm saying?

Right, right, right. You know what I'm saying? But I didn't make it up. You know, I really felt that way. But it's like, sometimes like comedy's subjective and a person's wanting in the future, they just want the chance to talk to you. I think you're absolutely right.

You know what I'm saying? I remember, you know, I always knew when I came into this thing, when I got into acting, I go, you know what, I looked at myself in the mirror and I don't look like Steve McQueen. I don't look like fucking Jan Michael Vincent. I'm not so sure.

I don't look like Brad Pitt. So, I'm always gonna be the number three guy in the pack. You know? And it's weird that those are my favorite movies. I think the comedic genius and Steve Martin and the comedic genius and Art Carney on those two projects. On television, I don't give a fuck.

Listen, I wipe my ass with Kramer. Norton wipes his ass with Kramer and the Chubby Jew and the other fucking thing. I'm telling you right now, wipes his ass. But number one, that show was written by two people, the honeymooners. Two guys in Jackie Gleason. Period, check it up.

Two fucking writers. And he used to say they were Jews that didn't get enough sun because they were such great writers. The $60,000 episode. The one with the tongue, with the dog that the tongue was gonna turn blue. And he went and sold his story to whatever.

So, Dr. Norton, what college would you attend? Oxford, oh, in England. Oh, is that where it is? Oh, is that where it is? It's the best piece of comedic timing. When Steve Martin, I always say this to myself, whenever I get a script in front of me or three pieces of paper from an audition,

I think of one person. I think of Steve Martin getting the script to transplants and automobiles, because this is how they lure them. They gave him the script, he looked at it, and he goes, what role am I playing? And also he called back and he said, well, who's playing the other guy?

And they're like, Bill, whatever, John Candy. Okay, listen, I don't care who the fuck you are. I don't care how much time you've done at the comedy store. I don't care how many jumping jacks you did with Sam Kandason. When they call you and tell you, you're going up on the other side of a buddy pal

with John Candy. You actually gotta hang up that phone. If you're real, a real man and a strategist and a comedic, whatever the fuck you are, you have to sit there and just how you plan out. You're trekking the day and everything. You have to plan out the script. So the first thing I do is Steve Martin,

this is how powerful Steve Martin was. Somebody talked him into this. They said, listen, it's like Michael Jordan. Listen, he's gonna get 40 points. I don't give a fuck if you put a sledgehammer in front of him. Michael Jordan is gonna get his 32 points. So what does a smart defender's coach do? He guards the other guys.

Let Michael Jordan get his 30, but if I can get lead to get eight instead of 18, I win this game. So Steve Martin looked at the script and said, you know what, he's the star. There's no way I'm gonna battle this guy. I could, in my head, I could say to myself, oh, John Candy could suck my dick.

But after I think about it for two days, John Candy's got 80 pounds on me. He's a fucking great stage guy. And you see the emotion in his face and he's just naturally funny. He's gonna fucking turn your lights out. So right there, that takes the good actor to go, all I need to worry about is what I'm gonna do.

And I know I'm gonna be, Steve Martin should have won 10 Oscars for that film. As a comedian. And Candy and both of them should have won two all the year. The only people who've ever rocked my world harder than that, the connection is when I was a kid, a movie Papillon came out. I love Papillon. Papillon with Dustin Hoffman, Steve McQueen is brilliant.

And there was another film that came out when I was young that I liked that Papillon's incredible. Jesus Christ, I forgot. And I don't like turning movies like that on because then Leo yell at me. Yeah, then you sit there and watch it. Leo called me and go, three hours in front of a fucking TV.

It's Papillon. Because it's Papillon. It's the crab scene where it's in the bucket, he thinks it's food. It's such a slow finger in the ass. It's such a methodical film. Yeah, sure. What about us?

That's probably how she got committed, you watch Papillon. I forget the name of the movie, but it's the one where like there's scammers. This game Old Women in Europe, what's that in the movie? Fine, what's it called? I forgot the best other team. Shit. Steve Martin and Michael Kane, come on.

They made a musical of it. The producers? No. I know you're talking about, I can't. He goes, may I go to the bathroom, please? He goes, yes. And then he looks around the room and he goes, thank you.

Meaning he just pissed himself off. Dirty Rotten scammers. Dirty Rotten scammers. That's like the movie. I'm gonna say Fine Young Cannibals. I'll tell you what else wasn't a comedy. The best duo before Transplains and Automobiles is a film by the name of Midnight Run.

Yeah, I was about to say that. I can't. Charles Roden. Charles Roden is incredible. And they all talked about him getting an Oscar and then they didn't give him the Oscar. And I still remember the newspaper article. He was like, I'm not upset about them not being considered

but I think everybody should win an award. If you play a good milk man, you should get an award. You know, he just wanted awards for extras and awards for fucking co-stars and guest stars. That's the way he saw it. He was like, I've seen some great performances. But yeah, when it's divided, between two people sharing the movie,

they tend not to give the nomination to those people. Because they're gonna fall between it. When I was just the kid, this thing had a powerful essence. Robert Shaw. Those two motherfuckers were fucking saboteurs. I love Robert Shaw. That was the Charles Gordon, Robert De Niro,

that I could still watch it. You know, the timing and the how they looked at the script. Like you said, Steve Martin went home, they looked at the script. It was like, Charles Gordon's like, how can I make you seem different? And all De Niro had to do was just react to him. And he goes, you ever heard of a Leonese potatoes?

It's like a potato dish with onion. It goes good with like a hamburger or a steak or any of your chopped meats. I have enough money in my pocket that we could, and De Niro goes, listen, would you just shut the fuck up, please? He just said, drop me, just shut the fuck up, please. And he keeps going, hey, I have enough money,

we can get some Leonese potatoes. This is very funny, they're walking along the road, before the Indians pick him up. That movie killed me at the movie theater. Like I was the fucking Allen. Like when I saw that movie, I was like, I have to figure out how I could do that. Like that's brilliant, that is a brilliant gift.

I don't know how I'm gonna, I went to San Juan before I got locked up. That was out before I got locked up. Oh, I saw some good comedy, like good movies came out for like a year straight, Angel Heart came out, that came out. 70 to 85 is pretty good. Pretty fucking good, yeah.

And it's from 70 to 85, I'll give a shot, even a bad movie, 70 to 85, it's still good. You know what's a good movie? Blind Date with Bruce Willis, and John Larkett, and Phil Harman. Oh, oh my God, Phil Harman was good, and that fucking movie, that's right. Tell us, she can't have any alcohol,

she loses control. She loses control. What are we gonna say, Lee? I know it's not on the same level, cause that would piss you off, but did you see the trailer for the Chris Farley movie they're doing? Oh, they're doing one?

They, Spike TV's doing one, and I don't, I know it, I know you probably hate him, or not hate him, but I know he's not on that level, but what do you, what do you like him, or? Who gives a fuck? You don't care? We're talking about movies here, and the fucking portrayals of Belushi and Heath.

Farley, Farley could be at times he was fantastic. You ever see Almost Heroes? It's not a great movie, but it's him and Matthew Perry, and I laughed the whole way through, but it was not, he had his moments, he did have his moments. With Farley focused, he could be very real, like that fuck, but sometimes he, you know,

it was a sense, just yeah, it was, I don't know, there was something about Farley that he didn't really grab me as a, that stage of setting that life did not do anything for me. I know that, yeah. I don't know why, but by that point, I don't even know when those movies came out.

I was already in it, and I didn't, I didn't even like Adam Sandler then. Like I didn't like Adam Sandler till the movie he made in Hawaii. That's the first movie I got stuck watching, and I really kind of liked it. I didn't tell nobody. Yeah, I just saw a movie of his on Netflix,

I've never seen before, called The Cobbler. It just, it came and went. It was very interesting, I liked it. He signed a big like four or six movie deal with Netflix, so there's gonna be a lot of those. Well, The Cobbler was on, I don't know, it was before that, I'm pretty sure it came out in theaters. Oh, okay.

But it's very interesting, and it's a very, I like when Sandler does The Dark Ship, Punch, Drunk, Love. Great. I love this performance. No, no, he's good. And he's like this in The Cobbler. He's like really a quiet, understated actor,

and then you look at him and you go, he really is a good actor. He does this kind of character really well. I watched a movie last night that I really wanted to watch, and I was fucking into, I was stoned. What is it? I came back from Boston, I took a nap, I got up, I had a protein shake, I took another nap, I got up,

my wife made chicken collards, and then she went to sleep, and I fucking went outside. That's a great day right there. And I had some hash, I had some weed, and I had this glazed, those glazed nuggets that they dip in the hash juice. I had it nice and brittle, it was dry,

so it broke up over the pipe. That's a technical term. And I hit that motherfucker, and I went in and John Wick was on from the beginning. John Wick? I heard that's actually pretty good. Guys, it had me until the chick came in to kill him. Oh, you're the worst movie spoilers.

What movie are you talking about? I fucking hate that shit. Which one he went? John Wick is Keanu Reeves, who I love with all my heart. I loved Keanu Reeves with all my heart. But I watched an hour and it was taking me in, it was sucking me in, fucking stars out the ass

in that movie, and all of a sudden the chick comes to kill him and it becomes this fucking, and he, bro, he does this. Listen, I thought Tom Cruise is great in that movie with the black kid, when he steals the cab and caught collateral damage. Jamie Foxx, Jamie Foxx. He was great, that was a good movie.

When he goes into the Chinese, the Japanese club, and they're dancing, he starts shooting motherfuckers. Tom Cruise is on fire, but you gotta watch John Wick when he goes into this Russian persona. Oh, he's using a gun as a left jab. So he's coming into a room, punching you, bam! Hitting you with the gun, bam! Fucking hitting you in the stomach, bam!

I mean, it is, you're like, I've never seen this type of shit. But that scene with the girl, that was it. I hadn't seen it. That's how far, that's how far. And I tried to, three fucking times, I've tried to watch The American Sniper. Every fucking time I fall into sleep

and I wanna watch that whole fucking movie. Every time it doesn't hold me, man. And I'm into it, I'm fucking into it. I get pissed off when movies are supposed to be good and they don't fucking hold me. On the plane the other day. But I was up all night, I couldn't sleep, so who the fuck knows how to sleep on a plane, man?

I can't, it was a sleep apnea. And the machine don't work, I always try to sleep. I got the machine in my computer bag now. I just don't bring the mask because the plug don't work, this, that, I'm out there. I always have to sit on the outside seat in case I get, if I can't breathe, I get fucking, whatever it is.

No, the other fuck, no, anxiety. Something interesting happened to me the other day. So before I leave every week, the night before I leave, I go to the ATM and I take out $200 cash. Because you never know what you gonna need money for. Okay, so you want me $200? But I opened up my wallet and I put money in and there was a couple of 20s in there and a five

and a 10, there was some money in there already. So, real interesting, it scares me about America. So, I... Why is it scary you didn't want it $200? I go to this hotel in Boston and everything's in the hotel. When I went to eat out, I brought my ATM card and I counted my money on Saturday night

and I had $220 cash, I didn't spend any money. I bought a couple coffees and Starbucks down in the hotel. So, Lady J comes. Her and I smoke some dope, we're walking out and this girl comes up to us, beautiful young girl. Hey man, I'm stuck here, she had luggage, I tell you. No, I'm just shaking my head because they're all over Boston. I need 20 bucks for a bus to get, or trying to get out of here

and my fucking stupid friend did it once. I'm like, you're an idiot. $20 to get the train. It was the weirdest thing, she said she got stuck. Yeah. She got stuck and blah, blah, blah, blah. She had a plane, wasn't leaving until nine o'clock in the morning and let me tell you some guys,

20, 10 years ago, that bitch with a bit of a mild tone. You understand me, young like that, I would have made her take a shower. You're filthy, you've been on the plane all day, go wash that twat and then show it to me and she goes, I don't know. She might not have left. It's just something, you know what, I can't,

I can't do that anymore, it's just I'm married, nothing's gonna happen, I'm gonna come in a minute, this girl's gonna fucking call me Kobe Bryant Jr. And next thing you know, I gotta do fucking time and do the podcast via the fucking prison phone once a week. You just know this shit, and the way she came up, she goes, all I need is to sleep on your floor for four hours, guys, you won't even know I'm in the room.

I'm like, she's going home, I can't have you in the fucking room. And I walk in, I went to steal sugars for my coffee in the morning, and she was walking, and I go, can I talk to you for a second? I go, I could be a mass murderer. Did you ever think of that? She goes, yes, a lot of people have been coming up to me

like I'm a young hooker, and something just what, you know when you, something might, and then I said, you know what, listen, I gotta leave at four and I'll give you my hotel keys to sleep in the room till eight, you know? Yeah. And when I fucking came down, she was gone, and I didn't want to give her the fucking keys,

so I'm about to give her the keys, it didn't seem right. Oh yeah, she was trashed the room. And I was like, you think maybe she wanted to rob you or something? I don't know, I was gonna give her the money in my pockets. She said she had a hundred bucks, that the hotel room was a hundred.

Where was this? It was $200, so if I could lend her, she'd put a hundred dollars up if I, and I thought about giving her money, guys, and something just wasn't right. And when I came back down, she was gone. Something wasn't fucking right. If she was really in that need,

she would have took the room, I think she wanted money. She was 18 years old, she had luggage, she went to school in Seattle. Was anything in the luggage? I didn't look in her, fucking luggage. I did everything in the open. I did everything where the receptionist could see me, at the hotel, the security guy could see me.

There was a lot of people, there was a race that night, for suicide or something, a benefit, so people were coming in and getting towed, so I just asked her, I just said, listen, for your sake, I go, how did you end up here? She was with a cab driver, didn't speak English, and he brought me here, and I got here, and I realized the hotel room was two-something,

and I only have a hundred dollars. I'll give you the hundred, let me sleep on your floor. And I was like, I don't want your fucking hundred. I mean, like I said, if it was 10 years ago, and I had a grandma blow, that bitch was good to go. You know what I'm saying? But no, I can't have evil people in my room, guys. Right.

That's something bad about to happen, no matter what. Even if you have no bad intentions, I have no bad intentions. I don't get off on an 18-year-old girl, that's like, I have two nieces that fucking age, you know? And that's why I felt guilty, because in a way I felt like they would've been my nieces asking me for help, or, but something just wasn't right,

guys. Just tell me about that, cock suckers. You're sitting there like a mooc, the mooc. How did we, how did we start that story? I forgot the beginning of it. Who the fuck knows? I forgot you took the edibles, look at the, I guess you really don't take the edibles,

but I feel like we're on the same level, right? I don't remember the beginning of the story. Plants galangals from Queens, he takes the fucking edible, he don't give a fuck. I'm full of bad decisions all the time. He ate clams from Queens, what's an edible? Ah, fuck, and the shellfish on the east coast is great. The sushi's better on the west coast.

So it's soft, mood, just to take a different patois. What time's your spot for my? 10.30. Where at? Laugh Factory. Yeah, it's happy to perform. I'm trying to get some new shit out there, you know? Now you burn materials so fast on YouTube.

People are like, I've seen you seen the same joke twice. I was like, you probably watched two different videos are free for free on YouTube. So I've just been doing a lot of new stuff, trying to. So any Monday spot is welcomed, you know what I'm saying? I've been writing new stuff and I throw it in there in the sets, but I want to tape the CD and DC in August and I want the three or four bits to be really solid.

I said that and I've been throwing in some other joke. It's fucking tough to write. Yeah, tough to perfect the shit on the road. But the thing is, when you go on the road and people pay the 20 for you, you ain't got time to be working shit on them. You gotta be on your eight game. I want them to come back.

I want them to shake their hand. I want to take pictures. I want them to have the experience. So that's what kills me sometimes. Like, I want to try this new shit, but I've only got two things to it and it doesn't really go away. Sometimes I'll put it out there anyway

and just fuck with it. Thursday night is come as you are tonight. That's my fucking Nirvana night. That's a good way to look at it. I love Thursday night because when they go, what do you want to light? I go 40, but I'm telling you, I might do an hour 10 just because I got 25 things on my mind.

And then tonight I go home and put it together and then Friday early, I have an idea. Friday late, we'll be in the ball game. Energy, you'll get them. But by Saturday, I'm ready to fucking throw thunder and you're fucking blunder, you know what I'm saying? That's awesome, man. That's a great way to look at it

because it's like when you're in like Louis C.K. fame or George Carlin fame, you can go on the road and sacrifice 15, 20 minutes in the middle of all new shit and they'll bring you back and the people will keep calling back because they love you. You could see George Carlin when he's working on his HBO specials, like the first few shows

after each HBO special was him just looking at no paper and then just rereading the bit, you know? But that's how he got new material. Every year, but it's like people who aren't, don't have that luxury where like if I do a bad job somewhere, I'm not coming back next year. So I gotta bring my A game. And it's hard to do new jokes on the road

but some guys are really good at it. Some guys don't leave New York. That seems to be the place to write new jokes. Like every time I go to New York, everybody's got a new fucking hour. Well, because you're doing three or four sets a night. It's wonderful. You're doing 20 sets on a fucking week.

If you do 20 sets a week. For a year and a half, you've got three hours of material. You got a special, a CD, and a documentary on how you fucking go with that, you understand me? People wanna see you building the material. It's very interesting to some people. Interesting to me, it always has been. Even when you go to a table read for a script

and then you go back three weeks to shoot the movie and you're like, wow. And then now you add something to that. And now it's something completely that then when it started. You've done a lot of acting. What do you think? You like it? I mean, how did you get into it?

I really enjoy acting. I've been doing it since like fifth grade. And not professionally. Professionally probably 20 years. But I love it. I love when you're in the moment. If you truly, either you're creating something and that's fun, or you're in the moment and it's very zen,

you're not thinking about how you can't afford to rent. You're not thinking about this one girl that did this to you. You're just in the moment and it's something else. It's like it's very zen and relaxing. It's my form of yoga without moving and it doesn't make you lose weight. But I fucking love acting, I enjoy it.

I like looking into another person's eyes and fucking doing a scene. And if you like John Canyon, Steve Moore and look across to each other in that seat, the front seat and be like, oh, we're gonna make the seat. How do you play that kind of realistic sparring and you're each getting a laugh and it's going back and forth?

I mean, what's more fun than that? I would have paid to be on that set for three days, to take the acting lesson from that set. I think I know every scene so well because it's such a wonderful movie. Just when I look back at it now that I didn't figure out when I was 15, 16 that John Candy, his wife had died. Like I didn't figure out and that has to do

with John Candy's acting and what that director chose that takes the director chose, it's the famous guy from fucking, come on, what's his name? The guy that directed Plain Chains on the Moon Beals. He's famous, John Hughes. John Hughes. And he always did his movies with kids and then he does this one movie.

And it's so realistic and it's so funny. And I love that John Candy, he doesn't let on. Like when he's like, well, the very worst, the very least, we have two wonderful wives to go home to. And John Candy's sitting across from me, just nods. But he doesn't, nothing about, now you go back, I need to go like, okay, he's thinking that and he's feeling that, that his wife's dead

but he doesn't want to tell Steve Martin. But he doesn't give it away. Or at least it takes that John Hughes choke. He doesn't give it away. He just kind of nods on him. It's just that alone, I get off on that. Like I find acting like, this might be really boring. But I find like when I first started acting

and they gave me, it's like giving you a wet sponge. And they're like, oh, I'm just gonna say the words. You know, and then you fucking wipe the sponge on the table. I just said the words. But then like, when you're really enjoying a scene, like the further along I get now, I look at acting like I'm almost like a sponge. Like you squeeze it out and find all this other water.

That's in the scene that you didn't know you could have done, you know. Like when I did Mad Men, you like Mad Men? My wife is a big mad man. There's a scene where I'm talking to a guy and he goes, Jared Harris. And he finds my wallet. But he takes the picture of my girlfriend out of my wallet

because he's lonely and he keeps it. And he gives me the wallet back. And then I look at the wallet and he wants to leave and I go, hang on, wait a second. And I looked at the wallet and I, this wasn't in the script, but you can't add words to a Matthew Weiner script, you know. So I had to think, I wanted to do something different,

but I wanted to find something in the scene, like the water, the sponge. So I opened up the wallet and I just stopped and I look at him and I just look at him like I noticed the picture's missing. And then he freezes and it's not in the script but he freezes and they liked it. And then I look at him like I'm surprised,

but I really say, Bill, wow, the money's all here. Like I'm surprised I was a New Yorker that my money wasn't gone. But I just looked at him and he played it like he knows. And it was wonderful that we didn't talk about that, that the director liked it, that they told me to leave him staring at him longer. And it was like a fun part of finding something in the scene,

finding a moment that wasn't there. They're very organic. That's what it is. It's what you would really do that the writer missed. Yeah, that's what I always look for. What did he miss? He missed the detail here that I have to add to this fucking scene.

When you learn that. Well, mine was very selfish. It was Matthew Warnier. I think he's a brilliant writer. I just want to put that out there. But mine was selfish. I was like, I want to do something. I'm gonna say, listen, when I'm in a room

or I'm up against somebody, I'm the same way. I don't look at it that way. I always look at how can I help this scene? Some people go in there and kill it, fuck that dude, no, no, no, no, no. I gotta give him his props. What I'm gonna do is I want to shine, but I also want to make him shine.

Yeah, I feel that fucking Brad Pitt should have been nominated for, he got nominated for Moneyball, but I thought he should have been nominated for making everybody else look like they were as good actors as he was. He like upheld, you can't see it, but he's upholding other actors' scenes for them. He's like making their performance

more realistic by him reacting. I auditioned in Chicago once. I was in Chicago playing Zanies, and they go, you gotta test for Brett Ratner. I had to go on tape, and I had to find an old man in the Yellow Pages who I'm in his living room, and he couldn't read. He couldn't read very well, and his acting was bad,

and I had to read the scene with him. And then they flew me out. I didn't get the pump, but they flew me out, and they go, I was surprised they guys saw it. He goes, well, we liked how you made the old man look good, because I made him look like a good actor. They were like, he was a pretty awful actor,

but you acted with him. And it was very interesting. That's the only time I've ever been complimented like that. But I always think of that. You want it to be real, and that's what I thought you did with De Niro. Like, I really feel like those are great. Like, if I was gonna choose a couple of scenes

to show from that movie, just for like, Martians or whatever, I would definitely show that scene with where you laugh at his tits, and then the second scene where he chases after you. That was a great little, like, sea story, you know, a little runner in a movie. You were really real in it, and that's what I liked about it. And then again, I am really fucking stoned.

I don't fucking, I read the script sober. Yeah. Of course, yeah. I read it sober, then I read my scene sober, then I make notes, then I get stoned. Yeah. And then I read it again, and I actually get out and do the scene by myself.

And that's when I catch the little things I'm supposed to do that he doesn't have in the script, just to bring that little scene to life. That's it. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I just went to a couple workshops. I went to a Venet Chubbock for the first acting class, and I went to Leslie Kahn, that's a scam.

Yeah, that's right down the block for me. And I went to a guy named Frank Magna in the very beginning, but his classes were on Mondays, from six to 10. That sounds hard. And on those days, the lab factory, the comedy store, and the fucking improv were booming those days, and those were the hotspots Monday night.

So I went, and he used to write for a crime story. Good guy, his wife ended up dying. He's on Gardner. He's still on Gardner. There's just so many facts about him. Oh my God, and then I had this guy. After I stopped, I had that with Frank Magna. I had this black guy that was sensational,

a black gay guy that I met at an audition. He goes, I can help you out with your auditions. He's from Jersey. He had great credentials. He was a New York actor, which really gave me, was like a miser and all that shit in ten years. He was dying, and he would charge me 20 bucks, and he's the one that got me like three auditions

that I went all the way to the end on. Big time auditions, like Undisputed, the whatever movie, the Jimmy Roselli movie. And then he's the one that got me, I don't like that. He's the one that told me how to dress to confuse the camera. He added a little different thing to what I was working with.

He told me how to trick people. When you go to a car, he told me once, he goes, that's how you dress to go to a commercial? No, lose the black shirt. You have an intimidating face, and you're physique. Put on a white shirt, and take the Fira. I mean, he was that, oh yeah, he was that tight. There was another movie I got

because he told me to wear a shirt. He's the one that told me that you don't dress up like a security guard, but still wear a color that a security guard would wear, which is a gray shirt. Wear maintenance shoes. Little things that you don't want to walk into, like a Johnny Jerk.

Oh, I hate those guys. Oh, they fucking drive you crazy. I have a doctor's coat. Oh my God. I just happen to have a World War II uniform. Hi. You don't have any wardrobe at your house, Joey? Oh my God, I've gotten all the calls.

You should show up in costumes that aren't for the part. Like a chef, what is for a soldier. I would never put a fucking costume. Yeah, some guys did, they'd make a delivery, man. Never in my... No, they don't. Those guys don't. Those guys don't.

They're saps. They commit, no, no, no, they go in and they take because they put on a fucking outfit. I've seen the thought, listen, there's two people you see at those auditions, they're the saps. The people who dress up like the guy and the people who bring snacks or a gift for the casting director, you lost.

Hi, Lisa Yatch. Oh my God, I know Lee, oh, Lee's so great. He says you love white mocha coffee from the, oh my God, so sweet of you. You're not getting the fucking row. You're working from fucking weakness. You know, you walk in there like you own that. It's all psychology from the minute.

And you know who told me this? You know what gave me my best acting lesson? Who's that? Andrew Dice Clay. Wow. Andrew Dice Clay, crime story. Not a bad actor. You remember that show after...

I remember from Casual Sex. Oh my God. And he was telling me when he... Not like I had Casual Sex with him, but I remember from the movie. From the movie, yeah. He said when he got crime story, he did something interesting. One of those comics from the store told him to go in there

and make sure that he did something when the camera was rolling. That when you go to an audition, that even though they're taping you and they're saying that that camera's rolling and they're catching your movements. So he used to do things backwards. That was another guy.

You see, when you act, you learn, you take from so many places. So now, because he said that to me, I go backwards. If my audition's at 11, I go to that 10, 30, I listen to the other jerks going in for the same role like me. And they all sound the same. So while I'm there, I switch up the audition.

At the, in the acting room sometimes. I'll switch that motherfucker up because I'm just going there and these three guys are doing exactly what's on that fucking paper. That's the fucking deal. So I've taken from Dice, from Steve Martin. You know, when I did the longest yard, I had a chance.

I could do with dying the longest yard. I knew I'm up against savages here or I gotta give it everything. The only way I can give this everything is to be the fat guy. But if I'm gonna be the fat guy, I gotta commit to the fucking fat guy. I gotta be John Candy.

And once I laid on my back and shot that scene, when I got back to my dressing room, there was a contract for 17 more weeks. I committed to the fat guy. They were after, I was saying, put them, they was like, it's kind of rain. Put the fucking blanket down, watch this. And then Chris and him started feeding me lines.

And I was putting them together. That's great though. You made a few, you made an actual, I'm starting to throw up. You made an actual choice to the script. The script had fat guy jokes in it from day one. So you knew when you, when you got the plot, were they making fat jokes?

There was no fat guy. There was no fat guy in the longest shot. He was Italian with blue eyes. So then they started writing jokes for your way. They started showing it. No, no, no, what they did was I was the fat guy. So I had to commit to that. You know, I watched that movie.

Who's the fat guy that disappeared from this town? He did that, he did that cowboy movie in 98. And he was fat. He did two movies. He also booked a Taco Bell commercial. And then what's the movie with that? And his wife is dead. What's the kid from Varsity Blues?

That, that's the kid from Dawson's Creek. And then there was a fat kid in that thing. He was a client at Jamie Moussades. Interesting story. That kid booked the first Taco Bell with the dog with me. They shot three of those with the dog. He was the psychedelic guy that went into the room. He booked that movie that we did Varsity Blues.

He played the cowboy. Right. With the hat. That guy had a career. And he went and got a gastric bypass. And he lost 200 pounds. And he never worked the gun. They never used the gun.

For me, I get, when they start writing fat jokes, I'm like, I don't embrace it that much. Unless it's my character saying it, because that's what I'm used to on stage. Like when I'm sitting there and just making fat jokes about my character, I get uncomfortable, you know. But that's, I see the benefit of saying, do I want to work?

Or do I want to watch the camera? My character was supposed to be a bulky Italian. I just was who I was at the time, 418 pounds. So they weren't really making fat jokes. I just knew that I couldn't hide it. And the camera was going to add 10. So I was going to be 428. So how am I going to get around this obstacle?

Just to work with it. But you got the part that way. Yeah, but yeah, I put the tight t-shirt on. I did my own audition tape. And that's how I got. Again, that's in my mind. I don't do that anymore because I have so many things on my plate now.

But there was a time when I would go in backstage and I would look for movies in pre-production. And if I saw something shooting in New York, I would call my friend at that time, he was at ICM. He's a manager now and he won't talk to me because he always thinks I want him to manage me. But in those days, he was an assistant. He was at the store every night.

And he would get me the scripts. And I would look at the scripts in pre-production and look to see what the smallest role was that I fit. And I would make an audition tape for that role and I'd go in there and book another role. That's smart. And I booked American Gangsta like that. You're fucking hard working, man.

That's, listen, man, that's the part that people miss. If you're out here and I didn't know, I had to put all the aspects together. When I got the longest shot, I messed up, Brian, because I let nobody know. Nobody know what? All that you want on television. But it wasn't social media.

Was it social media? There's billboards on Sunset for 2000 for a fucking six months. Guys like us, we peaked before there was internet. We peaked before there was the internet and the phrase there was on. And it just... That's crazy to me that how much promotion goes into acting.

Yeah. Like, I was talking, I forget who I was talking with the other day. Oh, there was a podcast last night and he said, you have to get a charity or a cause to have any chance of getting an Oscar. And that's how people have meetings, like, oh, what car should I take?

Well, I'm gonna tell you something. You know what changed my life when I went to see the wrestler? Yeah, that was a good very good one. I'm gonna tell you why, because the wrestler came out in December and I knew about it in September. And I was excited from September.

You know, in the old days, they talk about how when you walked to school in the 50s and 60s, the car dealers would take the car that was getting released that September and they put a blanket over it. And they'd say, and in July, they'd say, this is the new model 2016. And every day you walked past,

there was a psychological torture. What was all that I'd cheat? And they'd say, September 28th, we're gonna have a barbecue, unveil it, give out hot dogs and balloons. And this was the first time, you know, you built excitement. I wanted to try to do the same with stand-up.

I wanted to try. When I saw that, it really changed me, Lee. The wrestler? Yes, because not the movie, but why I knew about that film. I already got the trailer to the new Johnny Depp movie, where he plays the gangster from Boston. Have you seen the trailer for the year?

No, yeah, no. Why did you do that? Have you seen the trailer for the year? Jesus fucking Christ. Jesus fucking Christ. And that's great. I didn't see the trailer for the wrestler. I heard about it.

I heard it from people's mouths the old-fashioned way. In 1990, when you lived in fucking Queens in 82, and your band was coming to town, if you didn't listen to WPLJ, right or wrong. I haven't said those letters in a long time. It was word of mouth. There was no Twitter. I tell Lee that Aerosmith Rocks

is one of the greatest albums of all time, because they were dead and buried. They did the first one, get your wings, something, and then they released Rocks. But everybody kept saying they were junkies. Aerosmith became a band by going on the road, the old-fashioned way. In our minds, when we start comedy,

we go, you know what? We're gonna go on the road for three years and become a professional comedian at the same time, adapt fans along the way. People that also in social media came in and changed the game. But this is the old-fashioned way. I wanted to know why Brian Scalaro and Lisa Yat

have asked me if I saw or have I heard the new movie that fuck-o always did, whatever his fucking name is. Did you hear about, who played the wrestler? Oh, I was fucking, ah, I can't, I'm so stuck. What the fuck was his name? Mickey Rock. Yeah, Mickey Rock. People would come to me at the weather comedy club

and we'd talk about, hey man, you hear about the new Mickey Rock movie? That always fucked with me. Everybody was talking about it. That fucked with me. And then I saw the trailer in November. I went to, I had to do a movie podcast and I had to go see Thanksgiving cartoon.

And during the cartoon, they showed the trailer for the wrestler and my head almost exploded. So I thought about that, that whole January. I was like, how can I get, and then my space was just getting popular. So it was kind of weird how that, I wanted to go back to that marketing.

I wanted to go back to what makes Lisa Yat come to me and go, dog, I gotta talk to you, Infected Mushroom is playing, July 8th, they're the best band I've ever seen. I got floor tickets to you, wait till you see the show. And you're like, how did you know about old school? You know, I grew up in the old school in New York where you had big concerts,

but you also had little venues that big performers, we're just gonna show up. The CBGBs. We're just gonna show up that. For years, I heard that the Stones would do little venues in New York State at little bars under like Flaming Lips Band. And you went there and it was the fucking Rolling Stones

on stage. But a select few people knew about it. That's exciting. How did they let the people know? And in those days, there was no, it's not like I get on Twitter. It's the one guy. I called you, I'm frying.

Lee, what are you doing, son? Let's drive up to New York State to the crow's nest. And let's get a bucket of beers, the Stones are gonna be there. Fuck you, it says, I just looked at the paper. It said, cause there was no internet. I just looked at the fucking college paper and it said that the stinky pussies are gonna be there.

And you're like, I'm telling you, it's the fucking Rolling Stones, Cocksuckers. Yeah, well they did. And the comedy selling nowadays, like Amy, some people are so big they can't try out new jokes. So they create fake names. Like, well they have certain audience members

that are harassing them. Which are like, girls have crushes on them. Like Jim Norton had as performers in their fake name at the cellar and sorry, Amy Schumer did that recently. Like it's very interesting. And that's what they do. They fucking, the flaming shitheads, they put out a name for their band.

Yeah, I wanted to take it back to old school. That's smart. So what'd you do? So how do you get to? I don't know, I don't know. It's like, I read this thing about the Fanny All Stars in 71, they were doing a concert, the cheetah. The cheetah was before Studio 54,

kind of the same owners, but only they played Latin music. I remember my mom going to the cheetah and me going, mom, I'm coming with you. She's like, you gotta be fucking 19. You can't come to the cheetahs for adults. They smoke pot in there. You know, it was the beginning of cocaine.

And I saw the documentary for it. And they thought nobody was going to show. And when they got there, they had a line around the corner and they decided to shoot on two nights from how many people showed. That always messed with me. And they were like, yeah, we announced it on the radio.

But in those days, it wasn't, it was an inner circle, you know, that I went to see that. And that's what I wanted to tap into. An inner circle of people that get together, smoke a little pot to each understand each other. And they all leave and all of a sudden it's out there. Everything is cool, you know? There's certain ways to do that, I don't know.

Some really creative ideas out there. Like I didn't, you didn't hear about Maria Bamford did a show just for her father and mother on a couch. And that's our special. What a genius fucking idea that is. People are sitting at home waiting for something different. How many times can you do a special at a theater? Yeah.

You know, somebody's waiting for, somebody to bring the brick ball back. Yeah, yeah. I always think about- Something to talk about when you're dead. Yes, I always think about that Lenny Bruce special. How they just closed up on him. It's a curtain and the camera don't move.

The camera don't show you the audience. They don't give a fuck what the audience thinks. He's just up there throwing heat and you hear laughter. All of a sudden they changed the game with special. Everybody wants to do these specials and show the audience and show the curtains and it's a beautiful arena. It's not about the fucking arena.

It's about the, what's coming out of the guy's fucking mouth. And what his thoughts are in the future. Whatever the fuck it is, you know? Well, there's comedian Owen Smith did something you said, Joey. He shot a special all on his iPhone. Wow. All iPhones, yeah. I haven't seen it yet, but-

It's beautiful. I guarantee it shoots great quality. Especially if they show you on YouTube how to shoot a fucking movie with an iPhone. How to shoot a fucking movie with three cameras, the whole thing. Zoom in, you know, there's a way to zoom in and there's adapters and all those apps and you know.

You gotta know about that shit. He's not gonna get an iPhone and gonna shoot a fucking movie with Steve McQueen and Joey Diaz. Get the fuck out of here. Brian, what time do you need to be out of here? I don't know, I don't know, 10? 10 is fine. I can get over there.

Okay, no worries. It's Laurel Canyon, you know, just make a left and zoom down right around Hollywood Boulevard and make the left, that first right. Zoom down there, make another right. There's a fucking valet park at Roma Fenn. Run into the left after you tell him. Brian Scalaro's here to sling dick

and break Latino hearts. Is it Hindu night or Spanish night? Yeah, I think it's like, it's Spanish night and then it turns into Hindu night. So you go in there, you do a show for eight Mexicans and on the way out there's a line, fill the fucking Hindus. Let me tell you something.

On the plane yesterday on the bus, there was an Indian family on there and they had two little babies who were gorgeous. The father was a handsome man with that woman. Fucking sensational, her eyes and her hair. I had no idea where he was going with that. A little Hindu feet. The story, everything with Joey,

she had toenails, her toenails looked beautiful, her feet were perfect, they were clean. A Hindu with clean feet and a prick. Oh my gosh, she didn't have the dot in the head, she was free, you know what I'm saying? She was living in 2015. I ain't putting a fucking dot on my head, cock sucker. I put a dot over my little monkey or something.

What's up, Lisa? Look at the shape of you. Going back to Cali. I was thinking about that at the beginning of Blues Brothers. I don't think so. At the beginning of Blues Brothers. Who do you guys think is the best, like, fat man actor?

Are we talking about that heavy set, the actor, or Philip Seaman Hoffman? No, no, no, not that, but like the... Listen, brother, in the reels, it's gotta be fucking, at that time, it was Candy Belushi, two completely different animals. One was kinetic energy, and one was potential energy. Yeah.

That's the only way I could describe Belushi and John Candy. Yeah, yeah. Belushi lived it, jumped up and down, you know, an animal house dog, an Oscar she would be given to John Belushi. That's a great one. That's no joke here.

I've seen Oscar performances. He should have won the fucking Oscar. Write that in there. Belushi without a doubt in my mind. There's something else he did. Him and Landis were a very good combination. You know what I mean? Landis could pull it out.

Like, the Blues Brothers is such a different movie than anything else before. It's got the most expensive car I've chased in movie history at one point, Guinness World Records, and yet it's a gospel and blues musical with a plot line that like goes back to like three stuages time.

Like, oh, we gotta save the orphanage. That's it. You know, and it's something you never see before. It's blues music, car accidents, and it's all shot realistically with that 70s art tour director, John Landis at the time. This is before he killed the two kids while shooting the Twilight Zone

when he was a lot more brave, you know what I mean? So not just man with a hatchet, he killed them accidentally. But he was like this great director that could pull it out of Belushi and to stick with the ideal, you know, I want you to be like the Harbaugh Marks character. You know, you don't talk,

but yet everyone's watching you. You know what I mean? I just, and Candy was so real and reactionary. I guess that's right. And it always seems like he's could do something funnier and or could do something serious coming out of his mouth, but it's just a restrained line delivery, like more real than going for the boom.

Doesn't even hear the story, this may be boring, but whenever I was like getting fake on a sitcom, after a while I was getting monotonous, this woman came over and she goes, do you ever hear the story? And I go, I can't figure out why I can't get a laugh. I go, there was one line, you know, I get a laugh on every line,

why can't I get a laugh on this line? And then the woman said, do you ever hear the story? There's an old actor and an old actress and they're married and they're doing a play together and they're popular and everyone's coming to love the play and the old actor said, you know, every time I asked you for a cup of tea, everyone used to laugh.

It was the biggest laugh in the play. After a long speech, he would ask for a cup of tea and the place would laugh. She goes, now I'm not getting a laugh anymore. She goes, well, try asking for the tea. In other words, he's asking for the laugh, he wasn't asking for the tea, it wasn't real. And that's what John Candy did, I think,

his whole career and why everything was so interesting. Anyway, I like that story. I just threw a shit in my pants. I love getting brought to tears when I watch a film or a sporting event. I cheer for people. I really do. There's something about the underdog

and acting and stand up when I see somebody I like on a show before I leave. We see what's on Conan or Letterman and I cheer for him. And when they do something dumb, it fucking kills me and I just, you know, but nothing. There's parts and films that just kill me, you know, where I have to pause it and shed a tear. Dude, I still haven't watched Lululemon Davis.

It's inside Lululemon Davis. I just can't bring myself to it. Do you ever, like, I only killed one pet in my life. I had to put that pet down. I won't see that movie. I know he's got a friend who's a cat and when the cat dies in the movie, I don't wanna see it. I guess it's just some acting that, you know, DuVal

and Brando when Sonny gets shot downstairs. That's an acting lesson. Do you ever see the judge when he's pretty much dying Robert DuVal and Robert Downey Jr. in him are fighting a whole movie? No, he's on a plane. I fell asleep. It was a pretty good movie.

Yeah, yeah, I've heard it's a good movie. The whole movie, they're at odds. They're at odds, they're at odds. And then he all of a sudden is flipping out because, you know, because of that cancer or whatever. And he starts shitting himself all standing. It's just coming, pouring out of him like liquid in. And how the son has to run in and help his father die

and the father's humility during the scene. It was so fucking real. And that's the scene where the movie changes, where he fucking, like they're fighting each other. But then he hears his father die and he runs in and just helps him out a little bit and cleans him up and saves him his dignity when the fucking girl wants to come in the room.

And there's no dialogue, but they're just like, you can see it in their eyes. It's like, right, I like that shit. I get off on that shit. I love when people come on the show and they know their shit. That's what I like. I like when people come on the show

and I know they've paid their dues. Because there's, you know, sometimes when you go on a set and somebody's fucking up a scene. I go up to people and go, think of this guy in this scene. You're just doing that scene, it's different color. You know, but I know that from watching movies and from getting, there's a color, you know,

Val Kilmer in heat when they're at the table. He ain't saying a fucking word. But he's stealing that fucking scene with his look. He's present. He's present. The scene when they're talking to the junkie and the Mexican and the Nero and they're planning their next move

and the Nero's talking them out of the move. And he says to the junkie, hey, you got T-bonds, you got a wife, she takes care of you. And he thinks and something, it's a great scene, is when he goes, the thing is not in the action, but in the move, I don't know the exact words. It's brilliant. You know, as much as I don't like that fucking junkie,

whatever his name is, Tom Sizemore, sometimes. He's a great actor. He's a great actor. I was trying to remember seeing one of them. It's this. Yeah, he's great. You know, when you watch, if you're a comic and you watch, you know, I get fucking pissed off

when somebody says, you know, Will Arnett is a comic actor. He ain't no fucking comic actor. He's a guy they say cut and fucking action, you know, and people fucking jump up and down. I don't get him. I heard he's a sweetheart of a guy. Whatever.

It was nice to me. Yeah, I heard he's not fucking funny at all. But then you see someone like Ed Norton. He's like, oh man, because it's true. There's people who are real. That's not a comedian. He got a couple of scenes. They said cut.

There's people you watch. Like the chick from fucking the gay show. Yeah, you know, what was the gay show with the guy and the chick? Will and Grace. Will and Grace. That little chick. Damn, I shot a children's hospital with that little

fucking chick. In Parks and Recreation, she's awesome. You know, what's her name? I know, yeah, but she was a recurring. Yeah, she was a recurring. Oh my God. Megan Mullaney. Megan Mullaney.

That chick through heat, no matter what. She made that show. If her Asian thing go look, I know Dharma gets more money, but we gotta, this little chick of steel in that fucking show every week is a little gay guy. They were brilliant together. Yeah, they pushed. They were brilliant together.

I like, I know that you didn't think Kramer, I thought was. No, no, no, I like Seinfeld. Yeah. I don't like. But I love how he pushed, how Kramer came in. After about six episodes, he was like, I gotta push. I wanted to show. I like Seinfeld.

Yeah. What did I learn from Seinfeld? Not too much. Well, I learned this. He realized, I like the fact that Larry David's scripts were original. Oh, I like that. No, no, no.

I watched it all the season. I'm not saying that, but did I learn as a comedic actor? No. What I'm saying is I learned more from watching Gleason. I learned more from watching Ed Norton. I learned a lot from watching the odd couple. Sanford and Son was brilliant. His timing.

Chico and the Man, to me, was a little overrated. He was good. I bought a CD of his live from Chicago. It was the worst fucking thing I ever listened to in my life. It's amazing. I applaud you, Lisa. I was going to say that. I applaud you that you talked to your girlfriend,

or she talked you into going to see those classic films on the big screen. I love that place. And when you watch those films, you could see the people who have developed from those films today in sorts. You get a lot of shit sometimes for being a little bit too old school, but I was sitting there watching the opening

of Blue's Brothers. And then when they, just the whole car chasing, the new old mobiles are in early this year, and then just getting up with the bricks. That was a very original, you know. And I'm just like, I can see why, and no offense to him as a person, but why are you not really impressed with that Galifian Angus.

Well, no, he doesn't really do it. I'm going to tell you something. He was great in the hangover. He pushed the hangover. I'm going to tell you something. He was the hangover. No, he's funny. I'm going to tell you something.

I do not like CGI. Once, Ghostbusters, I walked out when the ghost showed up. I'm one of those type of motherfuckers. I don't like... Why are we even going to ask if he ghosts in the movie? Do you know a movie? They put something. Do you think they put real ghosts in the movie?

Cranes, planes, and automobiles when he looks and he sees Satan. Yeah, that's so funny. Nine out of 10, I walked out of a movie theater. That was fucking brilliant. When he looks over and he sees Satan. And he goes, ah, and they both go, ah, and he sees the devil. That's the first time that I fucking fall off my chair.

You understand me? So I'm a fucking old school movie guy because I take, I learn from those guys. That was a great scene. Who I am today is all a piece of those fucking guys that I took a little piece. Fucking John Candy and Splash. Dude, I'm so happy you fucking said that.

With timehanks at the bar. What? That's the best side character of all time. Oh my god, I want to cry. I want to be that happy. I want to cry. Yeah, I'll have one moment where he drops it. Oh my god.

And he goes, I'll never be that happy. And he just does one line. He delivers the speech. He doesn't tip that he's going to flip out. And he just does this whole little speech. And he goes, I'll never be that happy. And then he just walks out. He's like, fuck you.

Fuck the scene when he walks into the porno thing. When he walks into the garden, he talks to him in Swedish. And he goes, hey, hey, hey. And he goes, what did you say? He goes, I'm sticking up my ass. And then he's fucking fishing with his fucking pants up. There are five scenes to their Academy award last. Big scenes.

The one when he's like, the timing, a thousand times, about, do you have money? Are you OK? Yeah. Can I have some? The first time I sleep at the bar, and he's picking a mop. They were so good together. They were so real.

And like John Canyon and Tom Hanks, the first 10 minutes of Splash, when it's just them, is really funny. It's fucking classic. It's classic. Not much giant happening. You see that on a big fucking screen guy. When she's walking, when he's walking, I'm on the bar. When he's walking, and she starts

dancing with the black guys, and he's telling her a story. And he's like, where are you? And also, she steals the pencil from the blind dude. I'm telling you, Daryl Hannah was on her way to be huge. I don't know what that, in a proper Greenwich village. She stood up to fucking Mickey Ruck and them. There's some good old movies. And I applaud Julie.

I loved it. Last time I went down, I went down to see Heart Times. And the mechanic and the guy from Heart Times showed up. The bookie. He's 1,000 years old. His son played Willard. Did a remake of Willard. Wow, a remake of Willard.

Oh, yeah, they did. I forget what his name is. He was also at close range. He didn't have any lines. He has little things on his fucking face. They're playing once a part of the time in the West, all week this week. Oh, you got to go see that.

And then they're doing that. Did you ever see that, Lee? Yeah, I've seen that. No, you haven't. Yeah. Who's it, Lee? It's like the Clint Eastwood and all. I'm too high right now.

There's no Clint Eastwood in there, buddy. Oh, no, I saw the other one, the Month and a Part of America. Is that point? No, that's not. Those are the New Jews. Yeah. That's the Nero, Noodles. Oh, yeah, yeah.

OK, and then the other one that they're having in a couple of weeks is Birds and Jaws. I think it'll be kind of cool. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Jaws is one of the greatest, with my opinion, one of the best top five movies of all time. And I get freaked out by horror movies.

I don't like them. Jaws isn't a horror movie. But Jaws is a great movie. Yeah, it's not a horror movie. I've never seen it on the big screen. Jaws is a psychological, my employees at least. Yeah, and the sequels. And the sequels, why people who haven't seen Jaws in 20 years

don't realize what they're missing about with Jaws, when they should go back and re-watch it as an adult. Because all the later movies are all horrors, just like cheap horrors, like Jaws 3D, Jaws 4. So people just remember that. But if you go back and watch the original Jaws and just watch how wonderful of a fucking house it's simple, and the scripts were,

like when he sees the dead body, and they're like, and he realizes as a sheriff, he's like, from New York, he doesn't say the words, he's like, OK, so who must have killed her? Well, it's got to be somebody from the sea, like an animal from the sea that killed her. But he does it all with his mind. He looks at the dead body, and then he just, as a sheriff,

he thinks about who killed her. And then he looks at the ocean. And then you realize that's the moment where he realizes the bad guys in the sea. And it makes it this little Roy Shiner. And it makes it just him and the shark. And it's a silent beginning of a fight, and that's what was awesome.

What was his other movie he did when we were kids? Roy Shiner was in a fucking car. He was a white Mustang or something. I don't remember a car. I can always remember. There's a lot of movies in a car. Roy Shiner, what else did he do, Lee Syac? He was on SeaQuest, and he wanted an Oscar.

He was in French Connection. He's fucking great in the French Connection. He is very good. One of the best car chases ever, moving it. So he's opposite Gene Hackman in the French Connection? Yeah. He plays the cop. He plays his friend.

That's another movie I have to watch again. It took about one of the best things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I still remember him running up the stairs, filmed in New York, where it happened. I went to see it. Let me tell you something. We went to see it.

Oh, fuck yeah. I was a kid. I went to see it because the Cubans were pissed. Cubans in the Union City were saying that they knew the guy who was doing the, bringing in the heroin. His name was Louie Bauer, Louie the turkey. So when they made that movie, it was about the Corsicans. And it was very interesting.

So I went to see that every year that came out. I don't know more movie theater, but I want to see that in the movie. In those days, if you had Geethers, you got it. What was the movie, Lee? Our internet download. Okay. You got to get the fuck out of here, brother.

Where are you going to be at the next time? It's 9.56. Yeah, I have to leave. I've had a great time, man. Thank you for coming. I had a great time, man. Oh, no, no, I'm happy. Where are you going to be in the next couple of weeks?

Any shows? Fresno, man. I'm headlining Fresno doing four shows. Theater, what club is that? It's a great question. Beautiful. I think I should know it. It's fucking funny.

I forgot the name of it. You got it. Oh, Refright Comedy. I'm doing Refright Comedy. Okay, you got a website? Yeah, bryansclaro.com. And then I go to San Francisco. I'm doing the Marinette.

I'm doing the Throckmorton Theater, a beautiful theater. That's where Rob Williams used to go and do new jumps. Nice place. That's run by the guy. Mark Pitta, but now he's not doing it anymore, but he suggests people. So I'm doing that. And then doing a Fresno run.

And then I go to Atlantic City and fucking someone play Baltimore and never play Baltimore and go in there. I need people to come in these areas because I don't know who I am either. I need support for people. One day I'm gonna kill myself and you go like, we should have done our part and went the same.

I really had to pee for at least 10 minutes. We'll get the fuck out of here. We'll give you a key. It was nice to see you. Yeah, it's good to see you. Thanks for having me. No, no, thank you, man. Listen, I didn't know you were deep into the acting.

I know you had done a lot of work. And I approached you at Ralph's a couple of years ago. Yeah, yeah. I thought I was gonna bring that up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's how I knew you were actually a good guy. Yeah, and I said, you know, you're a funny motherfucker. You should be working more on the road.

You know, he's getting booked out there. And you're like, wow, I'm with whatever with that. No, you weren't with that. I don't have PA. I don't have a personal appearance. That's the dude of my own. That's the son of America. Well, thanks, bud.

Well, thank you. But I always loved you, especially from that day. Thank you. I think the first time I saw you was at the four, what was that? Four aces. Yeah, with Brian. Yeah, Brian.

I'm fine. Great little fucking. Yeah, good. We're gonna do new jokes. I take the CD in there. Live for four vines. Yeah, man. Wow.

With national ampoum radio. Wow. Good guys. Good fucking guys, man. Well, you've always been very kind of me since then. And I realized right away that there was a, I got to know you really well just in that five minutes if you wanted to offer help.

And I was like, man. So that was also that you liked my comedy. And you liked me. I see funny fucking guys that are, you know, I gotta, sometimes we forget. And sometimes I like when a comic will come on and say, hey man, I was watching this bit. You know, why aren't you working more?

You don't know. Listen, man, call me in the morning. Let me help you. A lot of people did that for me. Yeah. A lot of Boston guys. You know, I went to Boston this week, but I used to go to Boston three, four times a year

from 98 to 2003 or four. So I knew those, a lot of people came and said, we saw you in Worcester with Tony V. Nine years ago. And I was like, you see, David Tell told me once. He goes, you're very fortunate because you're going on a road as a feature act. And he goes, people remember you

and they'll come back just to tell you, we saw you that night. You took your dick out of Miami. And I swear, every time I go to Florida, somebody comes up to me, you remember me? Yeah. I was there the night you had the chick on stage with the body shots and you were fingering

and the boyfriend was jumping up and down east of Sunday at the Miami Impala. She came up on stage to go her clothes off. Wow. I want to do a body. And I remember I went bent over and when I went to bend over, held on to a thigh and my hand went right into a monkey.

And she didn't say boo. I did the body shots as I was fingering and I got up like nothing happened. She came up to me after the show. I wouldn't even touch nobody. I hadn't been late like a year. I kept sniffing my hand and walking off in the bathroom. Like a sick fuck.

Yeah. That was a great thing. I didn't know that. I didn't even get that to happen during a performance show. Who the fuck? Why did she have a monkey on stage? East of Sunday, there was probably six, and Joel, always, Joel, whenever I see Joel,

they got that Boots of Miami Impala. He goes, I'm really happy to see you still doing this. He goes, I tell people all the time about East of Sunday, 2001 when you turn 90 people into fucking savages. He goes, I sold more booze that night. It was a three hour show as a headline. It was supposed to be like a, nobody was there. I think you're at the,

I think your biggest moments are yet to come. At the what? Your biggest moments are yet to come. I really feel that. I'm your lips to God's fucking ears, and I'm taking the Jew with me. That, the flying Jew. I can't believe I just sent that.

I feel bad that I sent that. He's a beautiful man. No, he loves it. I just feel bad that I sent that. He's looking good. What are you down now, Blee? 98 pounds. JFC Jews, what about Steven Spielberg?

I'm sorry. I'll do something. I gotta pass. Take your time right there. Yeah. Step out, make a sharp left, and there's two doors going the first one. Thank you for having me.

Sure. We gotta bring the keys back, because I'm not, I'm dead. What's up, cocksmoker? You doing okay? I'm doing great. So is Paula like both movies? Yeah, she was a little bit confused by,

by Blues Brothers at the beginning, just because, like the people there are like, nerdier than me guys. Like I used to go there when I, before I was dating Paula, and it's nerdy guys. So they were like applauding each credit on the screen,

and they were cheering as they- They're real film people. They're very film people. It's a great place. Yes, it is. It's almost crazy. Some people will think I'm crazy. If you say, oh, I'm coming to LA,

what should I do? If you're asking me what would I do? If I was coming here, I would go to the New Beverly. Just check it out. They got the good popcorn. Take us our eight bucks. Yeah.

Popcorn was three and four, for like a large was four. And it was just, and no one talks, they're really serious about phones. Like you can't even check your phone. Like you can't even look at your phone for texts. No, you're professional.

You don't have time for fucking people texting you during the movie. It's a great place. Let me give some shout outs real quick. My man, Matthew Hall, who gave us some fucking things. I'll bring them for you the other day. Thank you again.

My man, Carl Atkins, a C4 Glasswork, made me a beautiful church fucking pipe. We got it right here. I had it this morning on the morning joint. There you go. My man, Sacramento Guma, Michael Avan, Lady J, Al Ocampo,

Kai Ja, and Michael Alvison. I love you, motherfuckers. Don't forget Thursday, I'm at the Comedy Store, Belly Room, I'm hosting. This is not happening. It's five bucks, guys.

Cut the shit. And then I met the Atlanta Improv, July the 10th with some shit. I want to thank Brian Scalaro for coming on tonight. Thanks for having me. Live from Archbishop Malloy, and that's it, man. Thank you very much for coming on.

Yeah, it was a real pleasure to be on here. No worries, man. You got high like a trooper. Yeah. You ate the edible of life. I ain't mad at you. No, I had a good time. Have you been on Doug Benson's?

No, no, no. I've been on Doug Benson's. He could smoke some dope. That sounds great, man. Doug and I really don't know each other well. He's one of those guys who looted me. It's hard, it's hard. Yeah.

I mentioned my albums. Is that all right? Yeah, fuck you. I have albums on iTunes. If anybody wants to support my drug habit. And what else do I have? At least he's honest. I have a podcast.

Well, this is my podcast. It's all sketches, and there's no guest. It's just like me arguing with myself, and like there's skits where I have a monkey as his neighbor, and he comes over to complain about me. Like, you know, it's just very funny. It's me arguing. It's just you doing your thing.

Just skits. Smoking dope and doing your thing. Yes. Nothing wrong with that. Yeah. I get it, man. But I appreciate it. I'm a big fan of yours.

I'm a fan of yours. You're very flattered to have me on. Thank you. Thank you, man. I love you. Take care. Don't kill yourself on the way down the fucking hill. Yeah.

Take your time. Tell Jamie to wait. Somebody is there fucking stealing jokes. Nice to meet you, Lee. Nice to meet you, brother. Thank you very much. Let's give a shout out to the fucking sponsors tonight, the beautiful people. I went to Jiu Jitsu today, guys, in 90-something humidity, and John Evan put the thing on for

three minutes, and I think I wrote like six fucking times. My heart still hurts. My chest still hurts from breathing. But you know what? I fucking made it, and I did it. You know why? Shroom tech sport. Yeah, I lost 25 fucking pounds, 26 pounds, but still, shroom tech sport.

Those fucking mushrooms, man. They ain't fucking around. And listen, alpha brain had forced protein as soon as I get home, but a banana in it. Come on, now, two scoops, 32 grams of protein, you can't fucking lose, man. You're looking to lose some weight. Let's do it the right way. You need some energy to get you out there. You got some, you got new mood to recovery.

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Just take it from your uncle Joey. Go to honor.com and press in. Church. Boom. There you go. Also to my brothers at Hittie's Sigs. Okay. Throw in fucking heat.

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to Atlantic City with your friends. I also want to give a shout out to my brother David and Peter over there, the fucking nail there at Life.com, aka Los Gumi's Romanos. I was fucked up for three days on those little white chocolate treats of that. I also gained a pound. So fuck those motherfuckers. But that's how good they are. Oh my God.

The espresso's delicious. The strawberry milkshake is delicious. These are the new products. Yeah, the new products. And what else was good? The cream de leche with the fucking horchata. Delicious. I was fucked up and bossed in the whole time.

So if you get a chance, they also have the best vapor pen in the market. Go to Hittie's Sigs.com and press in. Nailed it Life. Nailed it Life.com. I'm sorry. Go to NailedItLife.com and press in. Joey Diaz. That's right.

Boom. And you get what? 20% off. 20% off your first thought, okay? So the vapor pen is 50. You get it for 40. That's how we roll. Cockzuckers.

I'll see you guys either Thursday or Friday. Be safe. I love you guys. Stay black. The Commies store Thursday. And the Atlanta improv. And then we got Chicago. And then we got me and Leah at the ice house for a testicle test.

Live podcast on July 29th. That's something. You're right, Leah. Happy Cockzuckers. Who takes care of you like me? Look at you. You stoned to the gills. You could see into the future.

You could see into the past. Right now you're looking into Hitler's bedroom. Think of yourself. What's he doing up there? Anyway, I love you, motherfucker. Stay black. Again, thank you for listening. June 29th, 2015.

You are there. Hit it, Lee. Now that the show's over, don't forget that on it.com. Jesus Christ on the crutch. You say I got deal with people. How should he get me? Giggly fucking Rosie over here. How much did you give me?

I gave you enough. I gave you enough to kill a fucking mule tonight. It worked. You might not even sleep tonight. I probably won't. Go to onit.com and use Coward Church to get 10% off all the great optimization products. Go to hitesix.com and use Coward Joey's Church to get 5 hit E6 for $50. And go to nailthelife.com and slash those goodies for monos.

And get 20% off the premier vapor pen on the market for all the oil and wax smokers when you use Coward Joey DS. And if you feel that you can't go on And you'll feel sick and low Just believe and you can't go wrong In the light You will find the road You can never believe that I believe in you Standing all the time

Hey, hey, I know how it feels Cause I have slipped through to the depths of my soul Oh, baby, I just wanna show you how to give you The best we've ever been in the world Now listen to me Oh, whoa, whoa As I watch you leave it through before you do You run as you would for me

Oh, I will show you how I will show you how Ooh, I will show you how Ooh, I will show you how Ooh, I will show you how Ooh, I will show you how Ooh, I will show you how Ooh, I will show you how

Ooh, I will show you how Ooh, I will show you how You'll feel sick and low In the light You will find the road Hey, oh, the winds of change may blow around you But that will always be so Oh, whoa, whoa

When love is plain and kind about you You are never alone I will be your love I will be your love Baby, let me Oh, let me In the light Everybody needs a light

Ooh, yeah, yeah Ooh, baby Everybody, everybody, everybody You got to do it Baby, baby Light, light, light You love Light, light, light

You love Light, light, light You love In the light In the light In the light In the light Lying, lying, lying in my heart

Lying, lying, lying in my heart Lying, lying, lying in my heart