Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #300 - Ali Siddiq

Episode Date: July 16, 2015

Ali Siddiq, Comedian seen on "This Is Not Happening" , joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio....Thank you for an amazing 300 episodes.   This podcast is brought to you by:   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   
NatureBox. Visit naturebox.com/joey for a free trial box.   MeUndies.com Go to meundies.com/joey for 20% off.   Recorded live on 07/15/2015.
   Music:
 I Want You -  Marvin GayeTea For One - Led Zeppelin

This show is sponsored by NatureBox. NatureBox ships great tasting and healthy snacks right to your door. Forget the vending machine and start snacking smarter with healthy and delicious treats like dark cocoa almonds. Support this podcast by ordering a free NatureBox Samper Box at naturebox.com slash joey. That's right, free NatureBox snacks are found at naturebox.com slash joey. Show is also brought to you by meondies.com. Go to meondies.com and check out the picks of the different styles of men's and women's underwear. They have shorts, t-shirts, socks, all of their great products. When you go to meondies.com slash joey, you're going to get 20% off of your first order and they're also offering free shipping in the United States and Canada.

And go to onnits.com. When you go to onnits.com, use code word church to get 10% off all of the great optimization products like Alpha Brain, New Mood, Shumtack Immune, Shumtack Sport. It's code word church to get 10% off. Oh shit. 300 motherfucking episodes. July 15, 2015. The day the devil got buried in the sea. A little Marvin Gaye. Out of respect, got a little $7 million check yesterday. Really? That's what they settled down. I guess it was yesterday. I just read it.

Trying to steal his shit. Making believe you don't know what fucking happened. It's Marvin Gaye, motherfucker. I'm going to steal something, steal something from Kanye West, one of these new breed motherfuckers. But you got to have a big pair of balls to steal from this man. The church motherfuckers. Lisa Yatt, my man, Ali Sadiq from Houston. Can you fucking believe it? 300 episodes, Lisa Yatt? I really can't. It's crazy.

That's crazy. And 100 were felicitous or 400 really under my fucking resume of podcast. Plus however many ever you've done. This is a lot of fun. Ali, what's happening, baby? Man, I'm sitting here still grooving to this Marvin Gaye. You know that's my favorite artist. Oh my god. Oh my god. You know what the E Hollywood, not the E Hollywood, the behind the music was on, the remastered about maybe four weeks ago. I cried, man. I fucking really cried.

Like he was, there was something about him, man. When he wore that little beanie, there's a YouTube tape of him. He's got to be fucked up and he's singing this. But the band is playing and he's on a couch. Laying sideways. Have you seen that? Oh my fucking god. And he's singing like this is me. I'm just singing from the couch. Man, this is he's done one of the coldest things. Hey, I'm going to make an album for you, but then I'm going to make another album for my girl. And then you can get the royalty off that one off the, and I'm like,

how dope is that that you can make? I'm going to make a jam in it. I'm going to make a better album for my chick than for my wife who's trying to skin me for money. It's fucking crazy. That is fucking crazy. Marvin Gaye is like, I think that's one of the people. When the people ask me what my style is as a comic, I still add Marvin Gaye in there. I'm like, yo, I'm like, part this person, part this person, then part Marvin Gaye. How beautiful. Look at this shit. Yeah, man.

Get it. That's all right. God damn it. Won't you, babe, get your head up, hey. Man, he's just laying in like a track suit on the couch. Yeah, like, won't you, babe, get it. Man, that's in some basement, somewhere. It's a basement. It looks like a pool, like a rec center. That's not a studio.

But it's Marvin Gaye. I'm going to the top right now, going to the top, top, top. Dude, some dude with a Rick, with a Rick James break. That's his nephew. That's a little Rick. Bam, up top, very top. Oh, man. Very top. This is the type of shit that inspires me.

Let's see this. Like a guy like him in a fucking basement with a tracksuit on. It may, man, it's just the, the mystique of this guy. Just, hey, I'm practicing. I'm, I'll do it anywhere with, and now you're just sitting up like, hey, man. This is not even the actual performance. This is what, this is practical. They're just warming up.

They just getting ready, warming up. They just getting their fucking heartbeat going and getting their timing. And now they're, you know, they're about to set it off. That's how you write music. You just set it off like that. I don't know, I watched the Hollywood, whatever, the fucking behind the music. And like, he hid for two years. Didn't he go like Luxembourg?

Yeah. He went to somewhere fucking that nobody thinks are going, did blow, took a big bag of coke with him, and a hat. This hat that everybody's wearing now, thinking they're bad. Took a hat. He took a hat with him. Some coke and a hat. Coke and a hat, and he went over there.

And I mean, I don't know. It's just, it's always fucked with me too. When I came from Cuba, that was the first music I really was turned on to. And he was one of the biggest names, you know, in the late 60s. I mean, I still remember that song with the chick. That was big. My mom was partners on a bar and they catered to the black people from Harlem on the 27th year. And it was him and that chick.

Fucking can't remember the name. It's not Tammy Terrell. Tammy Terrell, one of them. My mom had a lot of those songs in the jukebox and his voice was just, you know, it's a shame. And when I heard that song that they robbed, I knew that that was a Marvin Gaye song. But I'm like, the audacity of Pharrell. Oh my God, like he, what are you talking about? You thought it up or you, whatever he, whatever his excuse was was ridiculous.

And then for, um, what's his name? The singer. Dumb fuck. And to sing it like, oh, I don't know that this Marvin Gaye, your father knew it was Marvin Gaye. You should have asked your father who wrote all these theme songs. Who was this? It's Marvin Gaye. What are you, what are you talking about?

That sounds a little Marvin Gaye-ish there. I fucking, as soon as I heard what I was confused was because everybody samples to that. Yeah. So I thought they were sampled. You still pay rights to it. And I'm cool with that. Hey, you want to sample music to make yours better? You know, uh, what's the, the velvet rope?

Janet Jackson. Janet Jackson. I'm one of those songs on that album. She samples war, uh, you know, uh, Cisco kid. Fucking brilliant. Brilliant. I'm in. Everybody's sampled James Brown.

I don't mind. Everybody's sampled James Brown. As long as you included in that beat, I hear that bass. I'm cool with it. But when I heard that, and then I heard there was a lawsuit. Listen, man, what's that dude that last week stuck up with a confederate flag? Kid Rock. Oh, yeah.

You take Kid Rock. If I take Kid Rock and sit him down right now, I could quiz, I could quiz Kid Rock on any style of music. Prince, he will thump your ass. Didn't Prince do a tour where he could, you could yell out music, 250th picket, and he would play it? That means when you have that ability, you listen to everything at least one time. Everything. And you're musically inclined, so you'll pick it up. You know what?

Wait a second. It's like Mike Tyson. People think Mike Tyson's a fucking Momo. You get Mike Tyson aside and go, Mike Tyson, who's the best boxer in Cuba? And he, in 1953, he will start dropping shit on you that you'll sit there and go, how does this fucking guy know this? Because this is what they've committed themselves to. They want, once you become a true motherfucker like that in that realm, you know, Pharrell.

Pharrell, I had more faith that I thought that he- This is to tuck him off the voice, as soon as you did. Yeah. Yeah, come here, sir. You in the hat. I, yeah, yeah, you in the fucking hat that you stole from Marvin Gaye from his fucker. You even took the idea from Marvin Gaye wearing a cool hat. Because if you really look at it, Marvin Gaye wore the Charles Bronson cap in the 60s and looked

cooler than a fucking without the gold tee and the gold earrings. Just a fucking Bronson hat. There's even a picture of him twisting that motherfucker in a white neighborhood. Are you fucking kidding me? That's how, I mean, that style they have now, that's his. He was wearing the hat with the leather jacket and the P-coat. Yeah. And the fucking P-coat in the fucking 60s.

That's how cool Marvin Gaye was. You remember the album cover with him with the big silver boots? Yeah, the album cover with some huge silver boots. He's sitting down and he has on a little red beanie. And I'm like, yo, everything about Marvin Gaye was cool because it was him. It was like he was just doing what he felt. And I mean, I, I dashed the mitigated gall of Pharrell to say that it came to him. That's what drew you in to the song.

When you even heard, you're like, oh, this is a Marvin Gaye. They doing, okay, Robin Thicke, I feel you. Try to do a little Marvin Gaye rendition. Then he was like, no, it's me. There we go. Robin Thicke, I was so high on drugs. I didn't know what I was singing. Bitch, look at that.

Yeah. And that's before Bootsy Collins. That's, yeah. That's before Bootsy Collins. Look at those fucking things. Red beanie on, blue jean jacket. Now, what year is this? Let me look it up.

Look it up. Because if you know anything about black people, they look at that picture and said, oh, he's losing it. Marvin Gaye's losing it. Those silver boots. Only earth winning fire was busting no shit out in the late early 70s. And then, um, Parliament. If you had.

Parliament and fucking Delic. That's right. You had my man, George Clinton, which is, um, they go, George Clinton, man. That's the, the story. I haven't seen, 20 years ago, I used to see him. I saw him like three times in one year in Boulder in the Denver area when I was an open Micah there. 74.

Wow. Yeah. 74. Nobody was wearing those type of boots. That was way before Kiss. Yeah. Right. Kiss wasn't wearing a live till 75 or something like that.

So, or 76. I don't know my fucking dates. Kisses. Kisses is a good group. Kisses is good. When they first came out, the reason why I listened to Kiss was too sentimental. My best friend growing up died and he was a big kiss dude.

And after he died, Kiss died with me. He was like, you know what, I want to hear Kiss no more. We put that album in his casket and moved that motherfucker on for the next life. He's up there right now, jumping up and down, listening to that Kiss. Stuff. Ali, let me tell you something, man. I watched the, uh, as soon as you did, as soon as Ari told me, I watched it. Ali Sadiq, the fucking prison riot thing.

And it was funny because I was laughing, but I was laughing at different things than people were laughing about. You really touched on little things that brought me back to being inside. Let me ask you something. In a real world, it wasn't that bad being inside. You had a fun time. Guys like you and me. Man, that's the thing that I'd never get a chance to say that I had a good time.

It's like I grew up there. I learned, I was 19. You were 19 when you went in. Yeah, 19. I think 25 when you came in. 25 when I came in. I was 25 when I went in, 26 when I went in, and 27 and a half, 28. I did tweets all together with everything because they reconsidered my sentence.

Right. Cause there was like the first time I got all these letters and it was a very, I got like 800 letters sent from New Jersey, you know, New Jersey is a crooked state. So, but I look at my time now, man. And I gotta tell you something, even in diagnostic where I always tell people, I always, I told Bert Krasch, I go, listen, if you think black people talk in movie theaters, don't go to diagnostic because it's all night long. It's all in the brothers are yelling from the sixth floor though, you're down.

Little neg, little neg, what's going on baby boy? Nothing big G just doing our thing. What's going on with that? And they're having a conversation at 2 30 in the morning like you're not even in the room. And it's fucking magnifying in your little cell. It even magnifies more. I remember when I got sentenced and I can't. My heart goes out to you because you got sentenced and fucking Texas.

That means that shit was hot. Super hot. Super hot. There ain't no. You had to work in jail. Fuck AC. What? AC.

You get a little fan for $25. Your family got to put together $10 and they send you like a $22 fan. They charge you like $80. They jack the price up. It's like a 995 fan. They charge you $24.95 and you have to buy directly from the prison. They have a black and white little TV, you know, $49.95 with the antenna with three channels. You got to fucking...

You pick up the slack. But did you guys realize you were having a good time when you were there? Or is it like after being out 10 years? Because if I was brought to jail today, I would have a meltdown. Like if someone told me I was going to jail, I would have a meltdown. It's segments of good times. It's not like a total country club, but then you look back and you would think, oh man, that was a, that was our right day that I had today.

I had our right day. You know, I had a water fight in prison with another pod. We was going to necessity and I don't know what happened. One guy threw some water and he was like, oh, that's what you're doing. So everybody got bags of water and buckets and all types of stuff. So when they would come back in the same pod, we would throw water at them. They would throw water at us and the officers couldn't do anything about it because they had to let us out to go get clothes.

So it was like, that was a time and then we played flag football one time. And you know, then it was some things that you, that you bond with a couple of people and then you have, you say, okay, that was a good time. Like I remember my guy got called masturbating and that was, that was hilarious. Cause the lady came in, we saw him run up to his cell, but we didn't know what he was going for. And then all of a sudden she's doing the count and she's all out. Hey, put that up. And we just, we dying.

It's like, cause we know what he was doing. He was like, so, you know, we joke about that for an hour that, you know, some time pass. They don't, are you masturbating in prison? Not on the female officers. You can't do it where they can see you. But it was like, he had on a, he had on some shades and it's like his prison jacket with nothing else on for his boots. And he was hysterical.

When I was arrested in Seattle, I was in there for a month. And at the time I was dating a fucking dirty whore. I mean, I couldn't even think of being away from, you know, those dirty whores that you ripped their pants off and fuck them and you fuck them with a yeast infection. You don't give a fuck, Jack. You just tear that ass up and I went to prison. I was, cause I was fucking her every day. So here I am locked up and I would go in the shower, take an hour shower, jerk off in there,

shave, come back, go under the blankets, bang went out in there. And I had this little picture of Pamela Anderson and all it was like from her waist down, like they had cut off her arms. Somebody had jerked off on her arms and like a mid torso. I had like this arm here and this side and her little pussy, which was beat to death from people looking at it. And I was just jerking off looking at her like her feet. And I would put the blanket over my head and just jerk off under the blanket like a savage.

And one day somebody said, Joey, stop it. And I thought I was getting away with it and you're demented, perverted mind. You really think they're not watching you or that people don't see your hand moving up and down, but you're banging one out. But wouldn't it be bad if like they didn't let anybody do that? Like, no, they're not. It's not that it's banned. They want you to do it on your own time, like in your own space.

But I've seen that before in like some like prison shows. Like some places just don't let you do it at all. And like, I feel like I feel like people would be real. You could jerk off next to Paula when she's sleeping and she wouldn't know. You think so? Fuck. I used to do it all the time. After they pass out, you still want to shoot a low, but that passed out.

Yeah. And you just do a cappuccino in your hand because your whole body don't move. Just your wrist and your little hand moves. You know what I'm saying? You got to be prison savvy. Yeah, you got to be prison savvy. It's like prison savvy. I've never jerked off next to anybody.

That's fucked up, Joey. Fuck yeah. You got to jerk off next to mama one time. You got to be real. You know, you got to get all this. It's just a little hand. I had a buddy once who told me that he used to have to masturbate in the bathroom.

And it was just when smartphones came on. He's like, I go and I do it in the bathroom from my phone. I do it into the toilet. And I'm like, that sounds terrible having to do that. Where do you do it? When she's there, I don't. But then when she's not in my house, I don't have to do it. You do a living room out in the open with the shades open?

No, I do it in my bedroom. OK, well, before you turn the lights on, do you like candles and stuff? Sometimes. I mean, if the mood strikes, I could. Put on a little Marvin Gaye. You know, it's fun. But I want you to describe for them the first 30 days after you get sentenced because it's not that it's not fun.

It's that you're at different places, but you have all the doubts in your head. Once you get settled, it becomes something else. But if I see him on Tuesday and he says to me, baby boy, say a prayer for me, I'm going to get sentenced on Thursday. I got this. I got this. And I'm someone like, I see you Saturday. We're going to do that thing.

Right? Yeah, I see you said no worry. God's going to keep you out. When he goes on Thursday, get sentenced. That's it. Sometimes if you got a good attorney to keep you out for six hours while you get your shit together, but nine out of 10, once he senses you, that's it. So you've got all this stuff left.

And then when you go in there, now you have all this doubt. I mean, this poor guy was 19 years old. I was 25 in the back of your mind. What are you thinking? A lot of doubt, a lot of doubt. You think that you're tough enough. You hope that you're tough enough. But you have to rely on things that people taught you or people said to you

that were in the county with you that had been down before. And I relied on my a lot. Everything that my uncle told me, my uncle Alfred and my uncle Mack, everything they told me I did. And it was like, it went like clockwork. It went just like they said. It's like, yo, when you get in there, don't go straight to your sale. Go in your sale, put your stuff down, come back out, close the door

to your sale and stay in the day room. Because if you don't do that, people are going to think you're not tough. They're going to think they can take advantage of you. So had his whole mentality of, yo, I do whatever to defend myself. You know, and you say you've got to get away from what you think is civilized in the world. Because that's what we call it, the world. You know, once you you inside everything else is the world, this is your new place is being inside this sale,

being inside this block inside this prison. And whatever you think is savage, it's probably the norm here. You know, like now I remember getting in a fight and I couldn't leave it like that. I knocked the dude out and then I filled the mop bucket up and I went up a flight of steps and I dropped the mop bucket down on him. You know, like a savage animal and my shirt is off and I'm telling the officer, y'all come in here, it's about, I'm about that too. And I really wasn't about that.

Them officers, because when they came in, they came in different. It's like eight of them and they beat you up real bad. But it's like the mentality was for everybody else to let it be known. If you cross me, this is why I'm going with it. You know, so it's hard to, it's hard to even look at a fight as a fight in there. I'm trying to get you as close to death as I can get you, you know, without killing you to catch a free world case, you know. But if I could get you close to death for you to think about it

and your friends to think about it and your comrades and whoever else with you. Because there's some other people that are trying to, oh, he from my neighborhood. So I want to defend him, but you don't even know this guy. You don't know what he did or whatever. But I got to stop that too. You know, it's not just, it's not just about this person in front of you. Like, I remember this guy, man, he allowed his dude to do something to him.

And I said, hey, man, that's going to be bad if you don't respond to that. And he was like, nah, I think it'll be okay. Then the next time I see him, he's sitting next to the pisser in the day room, sitting right next to the pisser in the day room, and people coming peeing while he's sitting there. He has no respect. He's reduced to nothing because you allow somebody to get away with something in there. And I can't let you get away with an inch, not an inch, not even nothing.

Like if you, it's like you're a savage because you have to maintain, hey, man, if you cross me, it's some bad going to happen to you. And I'm talking about now, like ASAP. It's not going to happen tomorrow. It's going to happen right now. How long did it take you to get into that mentality? Probably two weeks. Two weeks because I was sentenced and I was getting ready to go to the prison.

I was in the county in this spot called 10B3. And everybody, 10B3 was like a place that you heard about in the streets. You in the streets, you hustling people like, yeah, I was on the 10th floor. You know, I was in 10B3, 10A2. These are all corner tanks. So it's like you come in a corner tank. It's like this room having another part around the corner that the officers can't see that you're in.

So you are in more danger in a corner tank. So I remember being in process and I'm thinking, okay, they already said I'm going to the 10th floor. And I'm just sitting there like, just don't let it be a corner tank. Just don't let it be a corner tank. And the man gets right to me and says, 10B3. I was like, oh, Lord have mercy. So I get to 10B3 and I'm sitting in like the little vestibule area

and I'm holding a sandwich. They give you a sandwich like a dot of peanut butter in the middle because you're coming from processing. And I'm sitting in some dudes come up to the bars and like, yeah, that's him right there. And I'm like, yo, what part of the game is this? He's just like, yo, that's him. That's the one who slapped my sister. I'm like, I don't even know his sister.

I've never even slapped a woman. And then I went back to what my uncle Alfred said, people going to try to get pumped up to see where you at. You respond to that with savage force. And I was like, then my mind clicked in. Yeah, I'm the one that slapped your sister. And when I get in there, I'm going to try to murder you. Hopefully you're already sentenced.

And dudes is like, what's wrong with this dude? Like, yo, man, I'm too small to allow somebody to think they can do something to me. You know, that's my whole thing. I'm way too small for a person to think that you got any type of inch with me. And it was just getting into this, and it's like coming from war when you get back in the streets. Now I have to try to go down, take it down. That's right.

I remember that. Take it down like several notches. Because I know for six years, I'm capable of murdering anybody. Even though I was a nonviolent offender when I came in here, I came in here for drugs. But I'm able to murder anybody in cold blood and just sit there. And just sit them like, yo, whatever, because you did something to me. Now, when you get on the streets, you have to slowly try to get adapted to disrespect. And I wasn't accustomed to that.

And then you don't get, if somebody disrespects you, it's intentional. You know, it's intentional to try to see what you are. And I went through that process maybe a couple of times because I went to different prisons. You know, I was on Bill Clemens. I was on Darrington unit. And I remember that when they sent me to Torres, I was 21. I was considered an older guy. I was considered a vet.

So they was like, well, we need some vets to kind of calm down these youngsters and give them away. So they sent me and some other vets there. And I remember this dude came up to the processing fence. He was like, yo, yo, little man, when you come out here, we're going to have some words. And I just looked at him, never said a word to him. Just looked at him because I knew when I got on the other side of this fence, I was going to seek him out. No matter where they put me on this prison, I was going to seek him out and have a conversation with him.

Like, yo, and I did. And I told him, hey, if you ever speak out of turn to me again, you won't make it home to see your people. And I said, that's the end of our conversation. And I left. And we never had words. We never had words again. I'm like, yo, I'm telling you, I'll paralyze you. And it's, and it's, it was an easy thing for me.

I take off both pair of my socks, put a can good in my socks, and I just hit you in the head. Hit you right on top of your head several times. Or I take, take the top of a tuna fish can and I bend it and I shape and I bend it. And then I come stab you in your throat with it with no, with no problem. Because I feel that's what you're going to do to me. So prison is a, even though you have fun once you respect it, once you settle in, but it's a, it's a process where people think that they can haze you and you have to stop that hazing ASAP, or you're going to be somebody's stepping stool, so to speak.

No, you become a lot of people stepping stool. Yeah, people will take one. They'll just take it from you. People take stuff out your hand, take stuff from you out. Man, I used to watch it and it used to irritate me and I talked to them dudes. Hey, how can you let somebody, let me give you a tip. Do you have a hot pot? It was like, yeah, take that hot pot, boil you some Bippy.

It was like this stuff like Comet, but it was like Comet and bleach mix. Get that hot as you can get it. Then you put some Nelson there, some candy or something. You put some jolly ranches, you put anything else and you go in there that stick and you take that hot pot and you throw that stuff in its face and then you start beating them with the hot pot. And then you tell me how disrespect goes after that. You know, just you got to do something to get people off you, man.

And they was like, well, I'm not equipped. But you know, look, let me put you in the mind frame. Somebody's raping your daughter. What you going to do? Just had that in your brain and go from there. And you and I guarantee you that you won't be disrespected in a minute. I guarantee it. Now, I mean, first of all, your uncle's like fucking Sun Tzu.

All right. That motherfucker should write a book for people going in. He should. It was Sun Tzu. But a lot of what Ali is saying applies to life. In my world, I came from an immigrant mentality and my mom had stabbed the motherfucking Cuba who raped a little sister. My mom got out of Cuba, they helped to get out, came to the States,

went back to Cuba with an alias and then had me and my sister and then came back here and then kept the fucking alias. But my mother's thing was no, no, nothing. Like there's no mercy in this life. Like as soon as they disrespect you, you go for it. When I was a little kid, I mean, my mom used to have hand signals at the park. This meant knock them out, punch them in the face. You know, my mom was old school like that.

I was raised like that. Once I got on drugs throughout the years, I mean, don't get me wrong. You don't get the first base around me. I always stop a motherfucker and talk to him. Maybe some people are very confused, especially when you get to cities like this. People are very confused when they get around four people. And they don't know that in my world, four people ain't shit because I'll hit you with a fucking bottle.

It'll blow up. And those other four motherfuckers will piss their pants. I've seen it a thousand times. Once the shit goes pop, pop, and the motherfucker goes, ah, his little friends will piss their pants. And now you look at them and they melt. They'll give you their fucking wallet. They just give it to you. Hey, man, we don't know this motherfucker.

Fuck him. We hate him too. It's amazing how quick the tide turns. And I'm from that mentality. That's why people didn't fuck with me at the comedy store for a long time. Some people don't book me because I'm old school. I come do a job. You paid me.

That's it. There's no, you know what I'm saying? I don't leave without my fucking check. There's a lot of things. Lee and I were talking about this, that, you know, what's Tony say? You have to set your marker and enforce it. And that just goes to street life. That goes, and it's really weird when I got off the coat eight years ago.

It changed my career. It changed me as a human being because I always had that fear that I was going to go to prison if I stabbed you in the fucking head and I wouldn't be able to do my cocaine. That little addiction held me back at times, not that I would think about it, but somewhere in my psyche. I remember when I got off Coke, like the first three months, I just went and talked to people and straightened them out.

And they were like, what are you talking about? Let me tell you what I'm talking about. About eight months ago on Friday night, you made a remark as I was getting the car. You don't think I heard it. I just drove away because I know whether you're a piece of shit. You ever say something like that again? I will fucking hit you with a sewing machine.

They would look at me, dog, like they didn't know what the fuck I was talking about. But my life changed because that's how I was raised. I was raised like that. I didn't have, you know, I went in diagnostic. It was a little real in diagnostic. The 10 days I was in diagnostic, motherfuckers were getting knocked out. People putting fingers in people's foods.

That was a fucking jungle there. That was a jungle. Once I got the way I was going, I had a beef with a biker dude. He just thought he was cute around his friends, but I caught him by the laundry machine one day by himself. The laundry room was next to the HIV ward. The HIV ward was brand new when I got locked up.

They didn't know. You know, Rock Hudson declared HIV in 85. I got locked up in 88. They just built these motherfuckers and holding the wing. Brand new microwave ovens, refrigerators, and you weren't allowed in there. You know what they were human beings. So I would go in there and eat with them,

and I'd hide my drugs in there, and I'd hide my bedding slips in there because the cops would even go in there. They were scared to touch anything. So everybody would hide shit in there. It was amazing. I sat in there one night, and I caught that little motorcycle motherfucker

going into that laundry room with a bucket of clothes. First, the first thing I did to him was I stole an American cheese thing from the kitchen, and I put a piece of shit in there. I took a piece of shit and I put it right in there. I took the shit in the toilet, I took it out, and I took the American cheese flag that was in the shit, and the flag, and I stuck it in the shit,

and I put it in his drawer. The dude was always cute around his little fucking biker dudes, and I played with him that way. We were both in the same unit because I worked in the kitchen. I was a stock clerk, and he worked in the kitchen. He was a cook or something like that, but when he was around the black dudes in the kitchen, he wouldn't say much because deep down inside,

he hated black dudes, he hated Spanish people. When he was with his boys with long hair, oh, you should have seen him out there without his jacket on and shit, and I just made him. I go, I'm gonna make an example of this motherfucker. This motherfucker has no idea what I'm gonna do to him. And after I took the shit, he knew it was me, but he didn't have the balls to come up to me

in that kitchen ward. See, he was gonna get me when he was around his little buddies in the daytime, but I caught him that Sunday night while he was doing laundry, I'll eat. And I got him by his hair. That's why I don't wear long hair. I don't give a fuck what kind

that you're gonna see or what revolution you wanna go. There's a lot of things real motherfuckers don't do. They don't have long hair. They don't put earrings on with a loop. No earrings in your nose, because a motherfucker like Ali will rip that fucking earring out of your nose. You know, you think you're cute as Starbucks. You ain't gonna be no cute with that hookfucking nose

no more. All right, they'll rip it right out, and you don't wear fucking flip flops, because I will step on that fucking toe. I'll break that big fucking toe and the bones that it's attached to. Before you even get up off your fucking foot, I will step on that motherfucking brain.

You have no idea what it feels like. You ever stub your toe in the middle of the night? Think of that 300 times when I break the socket with my fucking heel. So you wanna keep being cute with your fucking sandals. That's why I don't wear sandals. I leave with Adidas, the fucking hard shell. I sleep with these motherfuckers.

You understand me? Adidas. Shit. Old school. Adidas. We're ready for the fucking revolution. You always gotta have one step ready for the revolution. I don't trust sandals, man.

No, no, no, no. When you run, you fucking one flies off, now you're like fucking, you know. Even if you're getting a fight and one come off, you lost. And Joey Karate, listen, that's great. You ever get kicked with a foot of Hertz? You ever get kicked with an Adidas size 13? That hurts a lot, fucking more.

It was, you got me all fired up because I remember the mentality I went in there with. And I went in that with that same mentality because in my world at that age, I thought I was gonna end up there anyway. I thought that was gonna be my final stop. So I was waiting for a motherfucker to throw a fastball at me. And when I got in, I teamed up.

When I got to my destination, I teamed up with an old mobster that was selling gambling things on Monday Night Football. And he said, I can't get to the blacks in the Latinos. I said, well, I speak Spanish and I'm half black. I'm Cuban. It's the same shit. And guess what?

He went from selling one card on Mondays to three cards. They say he was running on the football pool. On the football pool. But I got him running on everything. In prison, you get motherfuckers gambling. If you don't, if you build it, they'll come. If you build it, they'll come. And that's Uncle Joe's specialty,

at building bookie operations. You give me a couple days, I'll get some dice in this motherfucker. We'll put it, and then that to listen. And I always try to say, I have always been, I'm racially insensitive, but my heroes, my heroes, Julia Serving and Richard Pryor, straight through, combined.

That's it. That's it. Julia Serving in my world. I got a lot of people who would say, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Julia's Irvin. No, no. Dr. J.

Jack, nobody knows. Nobody knows. How does anybody just skip him over when they say, oh, Jordan was better than him? No, Jordan was more marketed than him. But Julia, how is he better than Julia's Irvin, man? Julia's Irvin got all his moves. Dr. J got all his moves.

I mean, Jordan got all his moves from Dr. J. Besides one, he couldn't do it. He could never do the move when he went behind the rim on the Lakers. He did this on the Lakers when the Lakers. Julia Serving. Yes. Yes, he did.

He did. All his best moves were against the Lakers. The three moves. The Duncan Philly. The dunk. That was on Koopa. That was on Koopa. I was at the game getting one point in Philadelphia.

I was a, I was a college kid, snorting coke, robbing jewelry stores. And I was down at Glassboro State, and if they scored 125 point to sixes, you got a free hamburger. Man, if they scored 125 points on the way out, you could get your ticket stub to a hamburger joint. They gave you a free hamburger,

and we drove down there and getting a point and a half. I remember driving down going, this ain't right. They got Moses Malone. They got him. You know he has a friend of mine. Who's that? Moses Malone.

He's a good friend of mine. You send him my love. You tell Moses Malone, when he played for the Houston Rockets in 1978-79, I took a bus from North Bergen, New Jersey. You had to go all the way to New York City and switch at Port Authority. I went all the way to Piscataway,

and I tell people this all the time, and I'm going to get smacked in the mouth for saying this, mama, come out. If Moses Malone had played against Shaq, he would have taken Shaq and thrown him through the fucking rim. Moses Malone, when he played for Houston, check his numbers, Lee.

It was 30 points a game and 24 rebounds a game. Listen, guys. First place right out of high school. 24 rebounds a game on a high school. They got discovered that five-star basketball game. He was from Tallahassee. You know, that's Darryl Dawkins. That's Darryl Dawkins.

That's Darryl Dawkins. Moses Malone. We just lost a good friend. We were at the funeral together. Moses Malone. Oh, my goodness, man. But Dr. Jay. Dr. Jay.

No, no, no, that being guy. I still remember coming home and getting the red, white, and blue ball. This is what America doesn't remember. This is what- That ABA. Basketball. And I put the red, white, and blue ball between my legs.

I was too fat to have a number 32 jersey. Okay? This one, he was number 32. And him, Super John Williamson, the big cheeseburger that went up Billy Pulse. He went out to play for San Antonio. And I used to watch Julius Irving. And I-

Once Julius Irving, Julius Irving and Richard Prie got a hold on me at the same time. When I came from Cuba with James Brown, once Julius Irving got- Julius Irving added the class to my life. I would have still been a runaway fucking savage like Moses Malone.

Because in the reality, Moses Malone is just a runaway savage. Savage highlights if you want to watch it. Go. Moses Malone is just a runaway savage. The best is when we play for the Sixes and they got into a fight with Mark Ivoroni. Oh, man.

Oh, shit. And he just grabbed Mark Ivoroni and whispered something in his ear like, pick up your arm again and I'll break that motherfucker. And Ivoroni is like, I got no beef with no, but I love Americans. Moses Malone, man. This dude-

I remember he had a brown Rolls Royce with a tan top. And it's like this guy. It's like- Look at Julius right there with him. Oh, my God. Look at number six right there with him. Yeah. Man.

Oh, man. You know, he's the originator. Like, people who don't even know- They wear Air Force ones. They don't know this who actually wore them. Like, what I know, Kareem brought the shell toes out. You know, he played in shell toes, but that's who played in Air Force ones, Moses Malone.

Oh, my God. Yeah. That's Moses. And that's a team right there, those Celtics, Jack. Look at that team right there. Put that back. Look, it's right there, right in front of you. Same motherfuckers.

Look at that team. Moses Malone. Look at that pot smoking motherfucker. What's his name? The chief, Robert Parrish. Robert Parrish. They called, they found him with a pound away. Get that out of here.

Oh, my God. Look how huge he is. He evokes it, man. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. But you see that little guy in the back? That was Gus Williams. That was Gus Williams.

He just coasted by the little wizard. And he had a brother. What was his name? Williams had a brother, too. But the Seattle Seahawks had a dude named Downtown Freddy Brown. Downtown Freddy Brown. Oh, shit.

Lee, you have no idea. And he was 6'11, Lee. He is? He was 6'11. And nobody knows that he created the dude from Africa. He took him under his wing and taught him all this shit. Oh, my God. When he came to Houston.

When he came to Houston in the summers. He caught a cab. He caught a cab to Houston. Because he said it was too cold where he was playing. And he came there to play soccer. And they saw him on the soccer field. And he was like, yo, what is he doing out there? What is the logical on doing out there?

And Moses, man, when Moses took him under his wing and gave him everything, taught him every move that he had. And, man, Moses Malone, man. And then he just, Moses is a good dude, man. You'll leave, man. Oh, Tony, go on, brother. Oh, yeah. Where does he live?

He lives in Houston, man. We had a friend named Anthony Colbert, you know. That, I think Anthony Colbert merged us together because he was the same. He did the same thing when, that was the first person Moses met when he got to Houston. And he was from Oklahoma.

Tony was from Oklahoma. So he just stuck with mode the whole time and took more around. And him and Tony, they've been friends ever since. He went to his funeral in Oklahoma. And he went to his memorial service in Houston. And the same thing that Anthony Colbert did for me. When I first started doing comedy,

you know, you always need somebody to try to help you. And that was the first person who got me headshots. If I needed to travel somewhere, he would loan me the money because he knew I would just give it back to him. And he just really helped my career as just a person. Even when I was used to get, you know, struggling through something,

I would go in his office and be going off and he would just sit there and listen. And then as soon as he finished, he'd give me a story that has nothing to do with what I just finished talking about. But it was like, you know, and then he told me this story. He said, he asked Moses one time, could he play ball with him? And Moses told him, no.

He said, hey, man, we friends, why you could, you know, why you won't play basketball with me? He said, because all you can do is hurt my game. You know, you can't, you can't do anything for my game. So I won't play you. You know, I only play people who could elevate my game. And then that taught me only be around comics who can elevate your game.

Always. You know, on whatever aspect, just be around some people who have something else to offer than what you had. Don't hang with the other guys. You have to elevate. And I took a lot from Tony and being there at the funeral and me and Moses was both there.

And we was like, Moses is like, yo, man, we gonna miss him. And these are two different ends of spectrum, two different years of people who he meant a lot to, you know. And so that's how me and Moses are super connected. And he just a good person. He got into a fight one time, a big argument. Let me not call it a fight. A big argument at the comedy club

where I was performing. He came to see me and him and his lady got into an argument in the front. And I say, yo, who arguing in my show? And now look up is Moses. He was like, brother, my baby, brother. He was like, man, see, see, see. Julius serving in prayer.

You see Moses, you say, I met the biggest Cuban fan ever. He took a bus, three hours, gotten trouble, got punished because we didn't get back till two in the morning. The bus stopped in New York and sat there for an hour. Then it took you over the fucking, over the tunnel. But I went to see Moses when he was a Houston rocket. And when I found out he became a six, I knew him in my heart.

I'm the dog. I could lie to you about a lot of shit. I knew him in my heart. I go, they're gonna win the championship. It's just too much. That's all they needed. They needed. They got rid of the guy that shot with the one arm, George.

McGinnis. Yeah, McGinnis. McGinnis. They also had, what's his name? Father, Joe Jellybean Bryant. Shit. This is 82, 83. Yeah, when they won.

They got Moses in 83 and they immediately won. In fact, they swept. That's how decidedly I was not wrong. I knew that they would fucking just foe, foe, foe. That was the big thing. You won the roster. Yeah. JJ Anderson, Maurice Cheeks, Earl Kirsten, Franklin Edwards,

Julius Irving, Mark Ivaroni, Clement Johnson, Reggie Johnson, Bobby Jones, Moses Malone, Mark Mark McNamara, Clint Richardson, Ruskione, and Andrew Tony. And all they needed was Irving, Cheeks, and Moses. Andrew Tony could shoot the ball in the dark. A three-point cheer. Andrew Tony could shoot the ball in the fucking dark.

You have no idea how big. And then they got it. I mean, they were a great team. I was with the Sixes when they had Doug Collins, when they fought against, fuck oh, down in Florida, from Tallahassee, not Moses, Darryl Dawkins. Darryl Dawkins and Maurice Lucas fought in the middle of the fucking thing.

Chocolate done. I'm in the eighth grade cheering for fuck. There was a dude behind my house, Jimmy DeMarco, Jimmy DeSumton, and he got hit in the head with a brick and all of a sudden he became a psychic. You ask him, who's going to win the game tonight? I had like 50 bucks. And I asked him, who's going to win the series?

I said, the Sixers, four to two, four games to two. I'm like, fucking, I'm betting. I bet like $200. I was like in the fucking eighth grade. I was half retarded. When the fucking Sixes lost, I went over there and I go, Jimmy, what the fuck? The Sixes lost.

He goes, my psychic ability was off that day. He goes, no, no, he goes, I meant to say the wrong, because Portland beat them four to two. But Julius Irving against the Portland Trail Blazers had a slam dunk in the face of Bill Walton. When Julius Irving, when it came to realization, he was not, do you remember this? When he came to the real, he had two great slam dunks

against the Portland Trail Blazers. But when Julius Irving came to the realization, put it on, Julius Irving's top 10 dunks, he came to the realization that he was going to lose to the Portland Trail Blazers. He took the ball three quarters down the court league and he slammed it so hard in Bill Walton's face. I'm talking about in his fucking face that Bill Walton was calling for an offensive fucking foul.

It was horrid. All right, right there. And you hear the music is tremendous to this. If this is the same one. All right, watch this fucking dunk right here. Okay, this is nothing. All right, this is just a regular one. They're just getting warmed up.

This is tremendous. That's the Lakers. Oh, shit. Oh, come on. Lee, watch this. Learn something. All three. Look at them, Lee.

Look at them underneath. And against a tremendous team. What's this one, Lee? Here we go. I want Maya, Maya. Look at this guy, Lee. Why are you jumping? Why are you even bought?

Look at this one, Lee. Look at this one, Lee. Again, against the Lakers. Boom. Oh my God. Look at this one, Lee. Against the Lakers. Look how high.

Oh, bam. Get better than the Jordan one. Watch this one. Boom. That one's a men's and men's one. Now they're going to throw the heaters at you. All right. This is a good one.

The self is. Oh, Jesus. Oh, shit. Oh, Jesus Christ. And that's Cowan, dude. That's not any no fucking walk in the park. That dude was six foot eight Cowan's. Lee and he was the center.

Oh, man. Look at them. Look at this one. Look how long he is. All right, but look at this one, Lee. Here we go, Lee. This is the first one. Look at this one.

Walk in. Walk. Look at the walk. I'm coming in. Watch what I'm coming in. Watch this, Lee. Oh, my God. Look, I'm calling for an offensive five.

See, he's calling for an offensive five. Look at it against Bobby Gross. Boom. Are you fucking kidding me, Lee? They don't dare. Look at this. You're at home at your mother's house. Your head would fucking explode.

And here's the one. Here's the one getting the three points. Getting the point in the half, Lee. Rocking the cradle. Rocking the cradle. Rocking the cradle. And he had nobody to watch. Look at this.

Oh, Lee. It's still, it's still, it's still amazing. Lee, nothing but class. You understand me? Nothing but fucking class, Julia Serving. Listen, guys, I don't have no reason to lie to nobody. From 80 to 84, the only thing that kept me alive was Julia Serving. I would go to the games.

I would yell. I would go to the games and stand under the bass and go, Doc, I got you big. I'm not against against the Nets. He had to cover Albert King and they would get given four points and the fucking Nets beat him at home. I went to see. I used to go to see the Sixes against the Nicks on Christmas.

My fucking dad. That's how lucky I was. I was, I was very lucky. You had no idea. So I, for me to watch basketball now, I just, it's like, it's cool. But when you watched Julius Irving, when you watched Iceman, you know, George Irving was, was smooth, smooth. Six foot seven, six foot eight, really?

Because they lied. Because San Antonio would score 150 points on you. Yeah. They would score. Seattle would score 150 points on you. You think I'm kidding you, though? I'm saying, I'm talking about these people. Denver would score 150 points on you.

Please show America, downtown Freddie Brown. Just show America. This is a chubby little dude that sat at the end of the bench with a brown bag, drinking a couple beers. And they tell the coach, coach, listen, listen, I don't know about salary caps. I don't know, I got a little house. I got this little skinny sister.

She's banging. I just want to eat and drink and score like maybe 12 points a game. I'll come in. I'll shoot six times. I'll get 12 points on the motherfucker. Right. This guy was, look at him. He had a little body, none of them.

See if they fight one of his videos. And he would sit at the end and they put him in, like, with two minutes left in the first quarter. He'd always relieve somebody. Like, you know, look. You want to see him talking to him playing? Playing. I want to see talking.

What do I want to see talking for? Right here. Let him do the talk. Look at him. Look, this is crazy. This is, this guy could fucking destroy you. This is why they were scoring 150 points lead. Bam.

He was, and look at his body. He was no. This is a little guy. He's a little guy. Oh, shit. There's downtown. Look at him shaking him one hand. Bam.

Bam. Please. It was automatic when he got the ball. And he would tell the coach, I don't want to do much. I don't really want to play defense. I just want to listen. Right here. There you go.

Boom. There you go, Lee. Popping him one handed. Look at them net, Lee. Look what they did to the fucking net. 41-40, Sonic's up by one. Their biggest lead, six. The Lakers biggest lead.

See, the thing is, that's why he was like, Steph Curry's the best shooter ever. Nice. It was some people that were out there with that silk, man. Watch this guy. Wow. This is craziness, Lee. How this guy played the game.

And he wasn't a starter. Jumper. Pop. Look at that. We just saw him throw in three shots in a row. And that's what he would do. And that's it. That's it.

That's all they needed him for. Yeah, 10 seconds. God had given it to him. Look at this, Lee. Look at him. That he is, Lee. And they weren't even covering him. No, they knew.

You could put eight guys on him. It don't matter. It don't matter. You got to guard everybody. Look at that one. Look at that one. Lee, it was all poppers. And he didn't start shooting.

Remember, they caught the three-pointers that laid to his career. They knew he would kill that. They're like, we can't give it to a little chubby black dude. Look at him. Look at him. Look at the net. On any side of the floor.

On any side of the fucking floor. They don't do that no more. All right. So now when do you get released, my brother? I got released October 21st, 1997. And then I actually got really released 2007, October 21st. OK, so October 7th, you go move back with who? Mom, uncle.

I actually moved. I went to Houston with $100. Had no really place to go, no place to stay. So I went to my mom's house. And I knew I wasn't going to be there for very long. I was like, yo, two weeks tops, I'm out of here. And I went to a man's apparel store. I had no clothes.

So, you know, and I went to this store. It was called Mosa at the time. And his dude named Reggie Ballard was the manager. And I went and he's like, yo, we not hiring. So I went the next day. He's like, yo, we not hiring. Then I went Friday. He said, yo, man, I told you we're not hiring.

Cool. So then I show up Saturday. The place is busy. And so it's a place busy. I'm just sitting in there looking inconspicuous. The dude was like, yo, can you go to the back? Because it looked like I was working there. Can you go to the back and give me some mock necks?

And I was like, didn't know what a mock neck, turtleneck was at the time. So I just went to the back. I'm like, yo, what a mock necks. And so it was like right over there. So I took some to the front. And then I just ended up working the whole day. And then Reggie was like, yo, we had a great day.

You guys on fire. And he looks at me and say, man, did I tell you we weren't hiring? I'm like, yes, you said, but I've been here all day, you know, working. So he told me to come back Sunday. I was a top salesperson there for like two years. And then it was another place called the Sunglass Hut. I worked in the Moser and the Sunglass Hut in the same mall, Sharks Town Mall in Houston.

And I started doing stand up at this place called Just Joking Comedy Cafe in Houston on Richmond. Where will it be out? Yeah, Juan Villarreal and Honest J was the host for a while. And Bruce Bruce was the host for a while. And Tony Scopefield and all these guys, Jamerio Jamerio, I'm just going. And it was Apollo night that I went. And I had a phobia about earthquake for a long time, performed with earthquake.

Because the first time I ever went up, that's when I learned very, very good lesson about your audience. Who you're in front of. So it's college night. It's the night that I'm going. They let all the amateur people up. I have on a suit because I worked at the men's apparel store. But the college kids are just in there with college, with college kids.

Well, I walk on stage and they immediately start booing me because I have on a suit. And as I'm getting booed, earthquake walks in and I'm like, yo, I just got booed in front of earthquake. So I waited like two weeks and I came back with some jeans on and a T-shirt. Walk in. I didn't say what I was going to do. I just put my name on the list. And I went up and a month later, I was the host of the Apollo night for like a year and a half.

And then they tried to pay me $35 one night with a super packed house and said, you know, what, you know, what no people in here. And then I left. And then I, ever since then, I just always had a room in Houston where I could go and work on my craft and whatever. So for a lot of times that earthquake would walk into place and I'm like, I'm not going to do good because earthquakes here. And then finally we start working together.

I worked on a couple of shows with him. But yeah, that's why I started, man. But I just once again, learning from taking something from prison, knowing your audience, knowing where you at and then adjusting. That was that's the start of me. When you went to your mom's house, was stand up in your mind or was down the horizon? It was on the horizon. Like, like me, it was on the horizon.

When I walked out of it, I was like, it's going to be a tough sell. I couldn't sell it to myself at that time. I didn't know the basics. And I kept dabbing with it, like just watching movies, you know, watching specials. Well, when you get out of prison, don't you have to get a job? So could don't you need to have something? Well, I went right to a halfway house because I got reconsidered to community corrections. They along, they elongated my sentence to string me out.

Yeah, I got sent to like a little pre-release unit. And man, I got in trouble there, man. I can't believe it. It's very tough, very tough. But I knew why I got in trouble. And in something, oh man, you develop. This is what in, you know, maybe, maybe it was just me, maybe you did as well. I developed a different appreciation for women in prison.

It doesn't matter to me what you look like anymore. Because in prison, it's like this, the old, you know, the old female guards used to wear their pants tight as they could possibly get them. And, you know, it's just, oh man, you, as you only around men, you start looking at this older woman, like her face is all wrinkled. She's a guard, but something about her body is like, I think this is hot. So, so, so then I'm at a pre-release, man. I'm about to get out.

Like, I know I like it six months. And it was this little female guard. She had to be maybe like 60, but she still had just like this cute little bubbly shape. And she was a lot like a, she worked in a, in a law library. And her pants used to be so super tight. You can see everything. And I couldn't take it. I just wrote a letter one time.

I was locked up in prison. It never did that. But I was like, yo, man, I had on free world clothes. You couldn't, it was too much, man. I tried to talk to that lady. I was like, yo, man, I'm sick. And I mean, still to this day, I see older white women, because that's all that really worked because you in these small country towns.

And it's like, you see these women, you like, yo, man, this is crazy. Why do I develop? Like, I wouldn't work at old folks. I'm probably getting in trouble there. I don't know what else I would do. Like, yo, I need to bathe your mom again. I don't know what it would do, man. The first pre-release I went to was possibly one of the craziest situations I lived in.

Like, I wasn't there a week already. And I was selling blow. Yeah, I was, I was lending money out because I got a job right away. I got a job selling cars right away. And I asked for a fucking five on all the fucking to get me going. And then somebody said, dog, there's a bunch of people here that you lend them 75 bucks. They don't, because you had to pay your rent on Thursday. The system knows how to fuck them, motherfucker.

You got to pay your rent on Thursday, but 90% of people don't get paid till Friday. So I developed a little gig lending out 75 for 102. I don't even know what the numbers were about. But people lined up and I was making $25 a head, $27 a head. And they paid me no problem. I went nuts. The chicks were hot in there. The guards were hot, but nobody.

There was a white tall skinny chick that one day came in and I was weighing coke and I put it in the ceiling. And when I went to get the coke, you know how you put it in like a bindle? Yeah. It opened and all the coke went all over the floor. And she came in and she goes, what's all this stuff? And we're like, it's falling off the ceiling. She goes, you guys got to get out of the vacuum.

I'm going to write you up, write this up for fucking. She thought we didn't, she thought it was spackle from the roof. It was like a roof like this, like a ceiling. Yeah. It was really coke rocks and shit that fell out of the bed. Like she would have bent over and tasted one of those things. Then we would have fucked her. Yeah.

She would have been. But no dog. I went into the ham when I started slaying a little coke. And there was a little white chick named Patrice from Michigan. Real cute and shit. And she always had a boyfriend who was locked up. Him and her got locked up together type deal. But we talked, you know, we get meals and talking shit.

And that pre-release, you paid $50 a day for groceries and they gave you a bag of TV dinners, burritos, frozen orange juice. They gave you just the worst food in the fucking world, mozzarella sticks, white bread that was old and shit, coke cuts and a fucking thing. So I started bringing in my own food, but they would search you. If you had more than 40 bucks, you go to jail. Yeah. You had to hide your money outside or hide in the car because they know that you're planning

something. Why you got more than 40 cash? They want to know your bank accounts. It was crazily, it was fucking crazy. And I started selling a little coconut. I found, you know, and all of a sudden I get there one night and when I go to sign in, there's a note that people could leave your notes. And there was a note from Patrice and she goes, come to my room.

So I went to her room. My knock. What time you got to get out here? 3.30? No, I was just making sure that they did. Yeah, 3.30 we'll get you out of there. And I knocked on her room and all of a sudden she opened the door with not a bikini one, but with a see-through thing that was naked underneath.

And right at the doorway, I just popped a Cuban egg roll out. She dropped. I squeezed her titties while she gave me a little sucky sucky. And that was it. I moved. And that's when it really went off and popping in there. Because that's when I realized the lady invicts were fucking the invicts. The first floor had the women.

The women were upstairs. They'd kill those bitches upstairs. The women were on the first floor and the men were on the second and third floor late. So if anything had to happen with a woman, they'd catch you. But there was a TV room in the woman and that's how you got a hand job from the chick. And then you could both sign out to 7-Eleven and make out with them sucky titties. It was fucking craziness, man. Man, your house was way better than mine.

We had been a pre-release. So they had still had all these dudes. And you could have free world clothes, but you couldn't have money. They would make you put only money on your books. And but the female officers that they worked at, they knew you was getting out. They knew, hey, six months tops, this person's on the street. I watched this lady come pick a dude up. She quit and picked a dude up at the gate.

And man, go in. What happened with the two people who escaped in Pennsylvania or whatever that was? Like, did you guys ever hear about that? Like guards smuggling stuff in, even if it's not a woman? Well, on the inside, when you're in that level, you're always going to find one motherfucker that's getting something from a guard. Those motherfuckers make a certain amount of money. If you got paper, if you're locked up and you got paper, I tell a story, man.

One of my best friends locked up was a crypt. I'm not associated with gangs. He was just a crypt. You know what? He loved me and I love him. But what I loved the bottom was on Sunday nights, he had seven visits. He had seven women, dog Ali. He had seven women on the outside.

He had them all in cars. They all had his kids. They all got a stipend. Because Homie was fucking banked up at 25. We were both the same age. But on Sunday nights, we put our foods together for the week. And he had all his peeps and another butters. And me and him would put on the album at the time, see, because every time period,

like the album, at the time when I was locked up, the big, big album, for white people was Guns N' Roses, Appetite for Destruction. But for black people was Bobby Brown, Don't Be Cruel. Don't Be Cruel. So every time Bobby Brown, Don't Be Cruel came on. So on Tuesday nights was Domino Gambling Night for the Brothers in the Laundry Mat. And they'd just be playing Domino's. But once the beginning of Don't Be Cruel came on, and they'd start a little snapping.

Oh my God. Oh my God, Lee. I still, and they'd smuggle shit in there. Like the white dude that I worked with, Ron, would take a pot and put cheese in it. Government cheese with an iron, what you take from an iron. He melt that motherfucking, he throw jalapenos in that bitch. And onions. So y'all doing a spread.

This motherfucker wasn't fuck Ron with Cater to Tuesday night, Gambling Night. And he made nachos for them. He would make fucking some type of burrito. It's the soup spread. It's cold spread and hot spreads. Oh, I'm sitting here. Look, you, you, I've been listening to you for the last two seconds, but I really haven't been because you said nutty buddies.

Nutter butters. Man, let me tell you something. Joey still eats them. Dog, I fuck, they're the best thing in the world. I thank Don Ray Piles. Chocolate bar with the, oh, with the, oh, listen to me. Dog, people go crazy. We had a sandwich that we used to make with these.

So you take the nutty butters and you take a honey bun and you put peanut butter on both sides. Jesus Christ. And you stack the nutty butters on both sides. Do you understand how serious this is? Oh my God, I'm becoming diabetic. It's, it's like, I don't, I really don't. You have no idea, Lee. I really don't like going back there, but this will take me to a whole another place.

You, you don't understand how good this is, and you got to lay the flat part of nutty buddy on, on, lay the flat part of nutty buddy on the peanut butter with. Wait, is it, is it too, is it like a sandwich and sticky buns or just one sticky bun? One sticky bun. One sticky bun. One sticky bun on peanut butter on both. You got to make it right. You got to put, you got to put the nutty buddy down.

Then you got to spread the peanut butter on your, on your honey bun. Flip that down and then put peanut butter on the other side and then put two more nutty butters on the side. And then if you got friends, you cut it up for your friends, but you want it by yourself. Oh my goodness. I'm losing it right now because that was like. That's huge, Lee. That's why I tell you, Lee, that simplicity sometimes when you've been locked up,

it's the simple pleasures like that, that makes you go back home. Were you guys smoking weed in there? No, no, no, no. No, that's, that's, that's a hard, that's a hard thing. I was like the highest. I, we were doing acid because they couldn't test you for acid. Yeah, they couldn't test it for acid. So I was doing acid.

Then they was drinking a lot of hooch in there. I had a, I had a dude, I had a dude named Birdo. He, that's all he used to drink was the hooch. He would make it himself, just for himself. And we always knew when he was drunk, just he would bust out of his sale, with just his like two pair of boxes on his boots. And he just come out, who want to fight with me? But everybody knew that he was like a boxer.

I was like, Birdo, don't everybody want to fight with you? Man, no. I was in my sale and somebody said, ding, ding. Birdo was drunk. He's drunk, man. It's like him and his like dude named Roger Rabbit was like the dudes. Roger Rabbit had two goals in the front and he had two odds. And he would, he was hilarious.

And you would always know when he would get into a fight because he would, he would do a public envy song. He would, he would, he's like, um, what was his, his line was, I'm in the air. You on the ground is me. That's what he, that's what I knew he was getting to a fight. You would hear him. You would be going somewhere and you would hear, I'm in the air. You won't, and then you know, somebody probably knocked out because in his mind,

that's why you on the ground. The two head chefs in the kitchen. One was a brother named Graveyard. Okay. Graveyard Roger Rabbit. Because he put you in the graveyard and shit. And then the other guy was chicken hawk. And his real name is Spencer Antwon.

And I loved him like, uh, like, uh, he, he schooled me in a lot of ways. But there was another guy named Etchy, a scale little brother. The first, like he was the original who replaced who on Friday. In fact, in fact, he was the original Chris Tucker and he used to go cute. But watch this, he come into a room, take his little thing and go, freeze everybody down. And he has a voice.

It was like, he was, and he goes, that's what I did for years. I was the voice man. People paid me, made me a partner just to be the voicemail and say freeze. And people would actually go under and those are the people that made your time easier. I had this white dude that wasn't yoked up. I had a couple of tats. But all the other white dudes, I would see that would stay clear of this dude. This dude was no joke from Philadelphia.

His name was John Clark. And on the son, he would get, see, that's why I took the stockler job, because my visitations were Monday and Tuesday. So I was in that room alone. I could eat some ass. I could finger you. She could bring Chinese food. If you get your visitations on Saturdays and Sundays, you don't get that.

You're in a fucking table with kids crying next to you and people changing diapers. It's horrible, horrible. John Clark used to get his visit on Monday so the chick could make out with him and give him speed. And he would swallow the speed. And by Wednesday, sometimes he'd just keep it in his chin and take a big envelope down. But Mondays, he'd get his thing and he'd come to my fucking room and we'd chop it up. And he'd give me a line of meth and we'd go to the high school to play basketball. They shipped us over on a bus.

I thought my heart was going to fucking blow up. And I'd go back to my room and say, I can't believe I'm in prison. And I'm still living like I was living on the outside. Every day is an adventure. Like I was the stock clerk so I had steroids and drugs in the stock room that was off the thing. They never brought the dogs up there. Yeah, I was fine safety clerk. Okay.

I was a fine safety clerk. You're in the front, you're in the front office. And you had access to probably everything. I used to sit in the little room and I used to try to make out with this teacher all the time. You up front and the teachers were like right over there, but you spend so much time with them because you buy yourself basically. Scarborough, the officer that was supposed to be over me, the fine safety man, his name was Scarborough, but he was never there.

He was like, I was like on my own. And going back to what he said about being, having fun. I just, a story just came in my head. A guy named when he was from Vegas, man. He was a real big dude. He was Italian and black, real big dude. We said, man, cause you know, sometimes you can't get to sleep and you just be sitting in and I would hit his dude just out of nowhere.

Yo, when? He was like, what's up, man? Man, we can't sleep, man. And when he was like, all right. And this is, I'd never even heard these songs before. I thought it was him and then he would tell me, no, that's the walls out. He was just out of nowhere. Hello, hello, hello.

Is there anybody in there? And I knew the whole song from him. Like I'd never heard the original song. He would sing the whole walls out, whatever, up the dark side of the moon or whatever it was. The wall, the wall. The whole thing for it was two, it was four album size. It was like, he knew all the songs by like song number seven. I'm knocked out, but that's when it's like,

and when it was so hilarious, he was a big dude. They used to, they, you know, you could, you could lift. And then it was a dude named Brown, which was a huge black dude. They came off a block up and Brown used to, he used to be in solitary, but he used to rattle his door so hard that you could hear it. If he was in, in G pop, you could hear it. And they was like, yo, that's brown, brown acting up again, because they wouldn't give him something.

This is the first person I ever seen. You know, they had this thing called Jack Mack. It was like macro on a can. He was the first person I ever seen open the can, drink the juice, and just take it out the can and put it on two pieces of bread and just eat it with the bones, the skin, everything. He was an animal. We're watching the S, I know it was the, um, NAACP awards.

Never forget it. Tanks for the people watching NAACP awards. When, and Brown walks in and cuts the TV off right in the middle and say, yo, you're about to be the judges of this bodybuilding contest. And I said, but he said, Lee, don't play. I choke you today. I'm not playing with you. You the judge, you the master of ceremonies.

And I'm like, this is stupid, man. And two huge dudes are on the top of the table with just their underwear on. And I'm like, the whole audience, the rest of the tank is doing this. And I'm doing like this back lax. I got to tell them which position to go in. And it's hilarious once I think back on it. But it's like he held the, they held the whole room hostage for us to watch them bodybuild.

And we just sitting there like, and I said this, Brown got so mad at me. I said, Hey, winds back is bigger than yours. You crazy. You crazy. I got the biggest back on this unit. I'm like, this is hilarious. I say, when Brown's legs are bigger than yours. He's like, yo, man, so I'm watching two dudes walk back out.

And they went right back to the wreck yard, right back to working out. I'm like, this is insane, but that was another good day. And you live on certain protein. There's guys in there that bodybuild. But the weirdest thing here is the correlation that you went to prison for doing something bad and you really got something good out of it. You never went, you never recidivism. There was no rate.

There was no rate with me that I got arrested against Seattle for an assault and shit like that. But I didn't get arrested for kidnapping or trying to take drug dealers down anymore. I mean, what are the fucking chances, bro? What are the chances of just staying out of jail? Nevermind. Talking to you right now has helped me a lot because sometimes, just when I walked in here thinking I saw you and I was sitting here, I'm like,

this guy had the same situation. I had two different parts of the world that anything could have happened because once you go in, they got you. You and I both know they fucking got you, man. That's the scare. I think that's the scary part. That can't tell you mean by that. You there and you're not going anywhere and you at the mercy of somebody else's.

And in a lot of these people are friends or family members, the officers that work at these prisons with you. And this is when you talk about nerve, this was the only thing that was scary to me in prison, realistically, that one, it's not promised that I get out of here and that somebody could kill me in here and my family not know because I'm so far away from my family. And I'm talking about an officer. You know, yeah, they can make up any story.

He had a story. He whatever just for protecting yourself just for saying, fuck you. I'm not doing it. He might hit you with a stick. You might hit him back with a stick. Another office comes in, shoot you in the fucking head. And there you go for something you didn't really do. You were just sticking up for yourself.

Yeah. And that's the thing that gets to you that that one that one moment that you think, man, somebody could kill me in here. The office of the administration could kill me and what would be the story? You know, what, what, what could happen? When would my family find out when, when they write or and I don't return a letter when they come to visit and they say, well, I'm not here or they ship me somewhere else. It's thousands of things that could have happened with the administration

that didn't by the grace. Because I know it was people that was there with me that went in with me that did not make it out. You know, whether you in a riot, man, I was in a riot. A lot of riots and they, they left you. They leave you on the ground for a while. They don't know if you stabbed or what, or what's the situation. It just left you on the ground and they processing people in at a time. So a lot of times the black guys were the last ones to go in.

They would get the white guys first in the Spanish guys. Then they would bring the black guys in after you didn't got tear gas and, and all the rest of this, you don't, you don't know what's going on. So it's, it's, it's those moments in there that you think about, you know, in hindsight, but while you was in there, it comes across like, yo man, it was a blessing that I made it out of there. And the only other thing that I did, that was a good thing that was in there. If you were my age, you was in my age group, like anywhere from 18 to 25, you was in my age group.

It was a, it was like a mandate that you had to go to school. If you didn't have any type of GD, no type of diploma, you know, I would come talk to you. I'm like, yo, what's your plan when you get out of here? It would be best that you go to school while you're here. Oh, I don't want to go to school. And I'm like, nah, this is really not a conversation like you think. It's not that type of conversation. And this kind of, this is a, this is kind of more of like an order.

Well, well, who are you to order me? Well, if you don't go to school, you will, you will see. Because it was broken down. I was considered a, what they call a convict, a vet, because even though I was young, because of the unit that I went to, and it was all life us a lot of time. So I learned from them how to conduct myself in this environment with my, what my uncles taught me, and then the environment of being in there with them. When did your uncles teach you that?

Was it like growing up? This is the, this is the crazy thing. This, you know, uncles are, are strange beings. Your, your father would be like, yo, you'll never do this. You never do, but your uncle sees something different in you all the time. And then he started giving you tidbits of what to do in life. Like my uncle was the first person to ever tell me, hey man, if you can't beat them, you pick something up and you, and you put it in their head.

You put it in, you bust them in the head with it. My father was like, yo, you know, you fight, but my mom was, she reinforced what my uncle said. Like, yo, she's 411. She, my mom's 411 and she, you'll never be bullied. That's what my mom out the rip. You understand me? You will never be bullied by anybody.

You, I could get in the fight, some kids that jump on me. My mom, we going back down there and you're going to fight each one of them kids one-on-one while I'm standing here because they're not going to jump on you. And if anybody does jump on you, I got a, I got my hand in my purse and you know what that means. So we going from there, but I used to be embarrassed about walking the fights with my sister, my mom, but this is one of the most brutal women you could ever possibly come across.

I'm like, yo, you got to, you got to twist it. You think you're going to bully my son? My mom walked me to a couple of fights. She fucking threatened the show. I mean, let me give some shout out to you and we'll get you the hell out of here. Listen, man, 300 episodes, it's all because of you guys. So I'm giving all you motherfuckers a shout out. I love you guys to death.

Thank you for keeping us alive. Paul Lynch, Freddie Korea, Diana Mateo, Delusional Thomas, Death Squad, Nashville, Danny Cheeseburger, Jesse Wright, Gomez and Escondido, Anarchy Edibles and Raymond Mandi. I love all you motherfuckers. If I didn't mention you, it's because there's too many of you cocksuckers that I love. All right. It sounds like a mob line up.

That's, I'm telling you, I got these people here that fucked them. Sounds like the prison names. It sounds like everybody who still runs booking somewhere like, yo, like they run horse races. Tony Montana, Delusional Thomas, Diana Mateo. Now you got to give these people up, man. They have kept the motherfucking lights on and 30 more minutes. I still got more time.

Oh, no, no, no, I got a Pito real quick. I was going to do something here. I don't fucking know. I got a P real quick. So Jesus Christ, you know, you try to lose some weight and be healthy, but then you got to pee every fucking 18 minutes. You drink water and you think everything's Jesus Christ. So what are you going to be at, Lee?

Oh, I'm going to be at the Braille improv tonight and then head back on the road. Me and Bill Bellamy will be at the Arlington improv. And this is, this is a great, great thing, man. I'm happy to do all these podcasts, especially anything that Ari suggested I do. Well, after you were on his podcast, like listening, just especially when you hear prison, just because it's so foreign to like most people, like, oh, you, him and Joe would be good together. But you, like, you don't want to have it be too close to right next to each other.

But I don't know how long he's been talking to you for. But ever since the show and you've blown up, it's, it's really cool. Yeah, it's been, it's been a good thing. Like this, this about prison is a lot, is a lot less intense than me and Ari's. And, and we've been both been there. So it's like going to a different place of the, the fun and the other things that could happen in there. It's like, man, the nutty butter thing.

When he mentioned it, it just paused me. Like, I don't even hear anything else. I just like, yo, how often would you do that? Man, like as much as you could, it was like, it was like, it was like, Jesus, that's like the crim, that's like a, a crimber lay. People need to do that and like put pictures up and tag all of us because that sounds delicious. Yo, man, anybody, if you understand the dynamics of this sugar protein rush,

it's peanut butter, a cinnamon, any type of cinnamon roll you want. Oh no, but I like the honey buns. The honey bun. Oh, delicious. It's like, it just puts you in a moment in time in prison that you know, that you, like, like when, I know some guys who drank coffee with Kool-Aid in their peppermints, they would call it a pretty and then, and all that, but you would, it would be, you would be so amped up after you drank one of these.

It was like, you got this Kool-Aid pack. You got like four scoops of coffee and then a peppermint and it's like mud and you just drink that and you eating this, this crim, this, this a crimber lay. This is like a crimber lay in prison. This nut butter with this peanut butter in a, in a honey bun, eating that and you feel like, yo man, life is okay right now. And then somebody gets stabbed and you be like, all right, cool. I'm back to reality.

But it, and I like, I never even, like, I don't drink coffee now. Like I, I despise coffee, but in there. You don't want to go to Starbucks, go to the bathroom, jerk off. They got you on tape. All these Starbucks, these dirty white people got cameras and all these Starbucks. You going to Starbucks, take a shit. You're on a go now TV and somewhere fucking on a plane. Here's the fucking crazy thing for me that I realized a long time ago.

Listen, man, I hate working Sundays. Like I fucking hate it. When I was a young comic, I did it. But one day I said, I'm not doing it no more. I like Sundays at home. I grew up watching Omaha and Disney and all that shit and it just means something. You don't have a family. You get one and you hang out with them on Sundays.

And I didn't have a visitation on Sunday. Everybody else used to have a visitation on Sunday. And that was the first season of either America's Most Wanted or Married with Children. 87. And me and this kid. And again, he was a fucking Crip. He was Cripping all the way through that motherfucker. But me and him was sitting in Israel and all we'd go to the AIDS unit with the nutter butters.

And we pull out a chair and we put our feet up and we eat nutter butters. And dip it in milk and I'd have a Coke on the side. And the pain went away. The doubt in your mind. Just for that night. It was a Sunday night with my friend and sometimes Anthony Severino were coming from Cleveland and sit with us. And I don't care how long, how old I get to be.

I'll never forget those times. You know, you said that story about emceeing a bodybuilding competition. I've said this story a thousand times. I used to, on the second and fourth Thursday of the month was film night. And you got to, they'd pass the thing around in the cafeteria and you had a market by the end of the day of what three films you want. And they put two fucking films on. But in those days, I don't even think it was VHS.

It's like beta. It was something crazy. But the machine ate the fucking tape. Or it did something fucking crazy. And it would bust. And one day the guys were goofing. Because I would sit in the kitchen while they were serving the food and watch. And I would tell the people that are my friends what and what not to eat.

So there was some black people I helped out and some white dudes I'd help out. And I go, don't eat the shit on shingles. You know, the corned beef on chip, whatever the fuck that is. You know, it's beef with cream on fucking bread. That's horribly horrid. You know, but there was some stuff that was good. Where I was at, there was a pistachio pudding on my fucking God to die for. I would trade everything to meet love for sensational.

The turkey on fucking Thursday sensational. That the black dude that made the lasagna on Wednesday fucking off the chain. You understand me that you would stab a motherfucker for lasagna. And they would give you like a six ounce military style piece. There was certain shit that till today I eat because of prison, especially pistachio or anything. Like I ate pistachios when I was locked up, but I never had pistachio pudding like a kid. Once I tasted pistachio fucking pudding, I thought my head was going to blow up.

I loved it. What is it? Do you have things like this? Like it's serving things about prison. Like the respect level of how people respected each other mostly. You really like, you really wouldn't be disrespected by some, some main dude. He was like, yo, you know, it would be in the meetings. I missed the meetings a lot of times when something would happen.

I missed the whole covert operation of the head of this gang and the head of this gang and my gang and everybody else getting together. And it's only the elite cats in this meeting and we trying to see and it's a real, this is a real meeting because this is going to mess up the prison. When you having a discussion, yo, um, so this guy stole this and we got to, we got to rectify this and you talking to all of the Mexicans like, yo, we're going to ride tomorrow. This doesn't happen.

We're going to, and you, you really making a decision on the person lives or dies on how, on how this goes. And I will never forget this guy stole this guy's radio and we made it. We sent down a mandate that the people that, that over that guy, y'all need to go in and y'all need to handle that. And as we stood, the Mexican gang stood to the side as they went and handled it. My crew stood to the side and he came out of his cell like they were wrestling or something. And the Mexican gang just walked off and I said, wait, we'll handle it.

And our guys went up and then we ended up having staples putting his head because what you would rather risk a Spanish and black riot over a radio. That's, that's what you guys would rather risk. And then we service the other two guys that this, you can't do a fake discipline in prison. There's no fake disciplines. Either you're going to discipline this party. So he'll understand or you go, you can cause a whole uproar. And I don't want to get up and I don't want to be on guard all the time in this place.

So we, you know, these meetings and these different things that would be happening in prison that I kind of miss it sometimes, but I miss more of food that I can't, it's not the same. Peanut butter on pancakes is not the same in the free world. It's like, I don't even have access to that type of peanut butter or something. I never ate a sardine again. I ate more mustard sardines when I was in prison. I had a lot of white crackers because I was getting the protein and trying to build muscle. I would eat the fucking mustard sardines till they came out of my eyeballs.

You understand me? Yeah. Once I stepped out there, you never touch the fucking sardine again. But when I see them in supermarkets, I stop and I fucking giggle a little bit. And you think about. Just to myself and I don't tell nobody what I'm giggling about. It's just my little fucking thing. When I see mustard sardines, it was, man, we both gained the same insight from it.

It was a fucking world that I had exposed to that I always knew I was going to end up there. I always knew. I knew when I knew when I was 20 breaking into a window, I said, you know what? It's coming. I just don't know when I'm going to keep myself out of there. I don't want to go in there. But it's coming for how long it's going to be something else. I was thinking about when I got to move my car at four o'clock or they'll fucking

tow you in front. But that's why I'm all fucked up right now. But we got time. We got 15 more minutes. What was the worst place they put you in that you saw something that I don't even think. I saw a lot of the same thing everywhere. But this spot called Goree. Goree prison in Huntsville and also the walls.

Goree union in Huntsville. Oh, man, it was atrocious. They had me locked in a box, literally in a box, man. It's like it was a closet and you had this one little sliver that you could look out. And that was it. No other walls. And it's like, yo, man, and I'm coming from. I'd already been locked up for a while.

So I'm not accustomed to this, whatever this is. I don't know. I don't like it. And they transfer me to somewhere else. I'm like, yo, man, this ain't where it's at. I'd rather have been in solitary. And man, just put me in solitary confinement and I'm and I'm good. But this I'm not in solitary, but I'm in this box, man.

And it's just it's just it when I literally, if I'm driving somewhere in Houston, if I go through Huntsville, I literally shoot the finger at Goree every single time that I pass going and coming. But no matter who I'm in the car with, they were like, yo, what's that about? Don't even worry about it. But that place over there is right off. It's right off the highway in Huntsville, Texas. And I like every time and it just irritated me to even be in that in that place.

It's like it's something just something about that place that they put me in that box. I just couldn't take it. And my whole journey that was one place. And there was I thought I was because you go to I went to County and County was overcrowded. So they said they're going to transfer you. You're going to go to Missouri. You're going to go to Texas or you're going to go to different county jails in Colorado, depending on your time.

And then they'll put me in a ski resort jail, which is supposed to be a piece of cake. Everybody in there was fucking nuts. And that's the first time the guards are going to Pathmark for you and getting your booze bottles of booze. They came in at night and said, we're making a ton of clock run. Who got cash? Let's do this whiskey $22 a bottle. I mean, they already had prices.

This place was crazy. And it was a county jail. Everybody in there was white. I mean, it was maybe like three black people and everybody was in there for hitting something that had with a ski pole when they were drunk. It was just crazy. But before they took us to the DOC, they took us to this other place. I was in there for three days and guys, I got to tell you something.

I wasn't scared. I was just it really broke me down as a man. Like it really made me feel for what I had done. Like if that was it, I was going to have an uncomfortable time. They put me by myself and it was a basement with a slit and that was it. And you went out to take a shower. You went out to play ball for an hour and God forbid you got sweaty. Now you got to fucking lay there for two days with stinky fucking nuts.

They had a little bit of toilet paper. You had a little metal toilet. It was colder than fuck at night. It was a metal bed. I didn't know. I really had doubts. I read three books in two days and they searched them. They came into my thing four fucking times and I was like,

this is what it's going to be like. That was my biggest lesson. I didn't like a man kicking my bed telling me when I had to wake up. I didn't like that disrespect. That's what I think kept me out of there. I had it to a minimum. There was a couple of dudes that fucked with me, but they fucked with me to see my reaction to guards I'm talking about.

And with the guards, I kept it very cool. I kept it very low key. They saw I was cool. I stayed away from the drugs. There was different trailers that had different drugs. If you stayed out of there, you were fucking cool. The hardest time ever is still bothers me to this day. I was on Bill Clemmons unit in Amarillo, Texas.

A prison guard named Mitchell. I'm coming from the necessities and he just wanted to do a random strip search on me in front of everybody. And I told Mitchell, I say, this is not going to be good, man. And my uncle once again had advised me to buy some white shorts off a commissary and always wear them. He said, they could have all of that stuff, but they now have a right to make you take off your own stuff for no reason. They can make you shake it out, but that's it. Mitchell trying to strip search me in front of everybody in the day room, in this high traffic area. And I told him, I said, yo, man, you've been unfair to me and you're doing this for no apparent reason.

And it's not going to be good. It's not going to be good. I've been here for, at that point I was there for like five years and I had never been naked even in the shower because I've always had these shorts on. So to take me out these shorts for no reason, Mitchell, I promise you this is not going to be good. And so they called all these officers around, even the captain knew. He was like, yeah, what are we doing? What happened?

What's the deal? I just suspect him to have contraband. I'm like, what type of contraband? I don't have anything. So they made me drop my shorts. And from that point I knew I was never going home. I knew it because I knew I was going to kill Mitchell. I knew it.

Nothing about him living. I knew it. And four months went by and that's all I thought about was getting him every day. And it happened that the the stars aligned. This guy was going to, I heard that Mitchell was on four building. I heard he was on the gate at four building. I had no clue how I was going to get to four building because I stay on seven building. Had no clue.

This guy got in four buildings is where they put you right before close custody. You just like a bunch of bad people go when you get a case in there or whatever. I can't remember the name right now. So this guy coming out with this white bucket that's on my tank, like, yo, man, where you going? Like, yo, they just moved me to four building, man. You know, I got to, I got to, you know, build my status back up to come back over here. I said, you going to four building? Let me carry your mattress.

And I ran to my cell, got my knife and I came back down and I'm like, yo, here we go. Boom. Got his mattress, the dudes rolling his bucket and I'm literally walking with this mattress and he has no clue what's going to happen. All I'm waiting for Mitchell is to open that door, open that gate. Once we go through, I'm going to stab Mitchell up. I know it and it's, it's the distance is so far from the door. Nobody's going to be able to get to him before I kill him.

How close were you to getting out? Oh, this was, ah, maybe a year. I wasn't even tripping. I would, I would have never made it to pre-release. A dude named Leslie Davis, his name is Alameen and Mustafa. I don't know who told them. They just like, they came in and say, yo, Ali, he helped the old boy move to four building and they literally got out of the building, out of seven building.

Soon as I got around the corner, Mitchell's opening the gate. The guys rolling through with the bucket and they come around the corner and they yell my name, Ali. And I turn around and Mitchell sees my face and he slams the door, slams the gate close. And the satisfaction of me looking in his eyes and he knew that he was going to die that day was enough for them. It's enough for them. And I just looked at him and I just looked at him and today walked up to me and said, man, put that mattress down.

Let's go. And I just looked at him and I said, all right officer Mitchell, you have a good day. That, and I still thank them for that because they knew once my mind is made up, it's made up. It's, it was nothing. It was a, it was, I felt the lowest form of disrespect for him to strip me down for no reason. And it's like, I felt like he was trying to, you had a fetish or you was getting off to that or something. And it just bothered, I couldn't, I couldn't tolerate it.

My mom to this day, she was like, I'm glad that that never happened. But Mitchell, the satisfaction in his eyes, man, to this day, it's him knowing, it's him knowing that you knew and he fucking knew. Like once they look, there's a look people when somebody knows you got them or you got, it's a beautiful fucking look. And I put that on my, I put that on all my kids. He had the, he knew it. He knew it.

I'm going to just move the car. Keep this conversation going with Lee. Let me just go move this fucking car. So I don't talk to him. It's right over here. And then move go. I'll take you down to the point of it. And you can open this motherfucker.

You don't move right to prayer, are you? No. Yeah man, that was, that was one of the, the points. I, and after that, I probably chilled out so deep after that. It was like, it was enough. I think that was the only thing that was that I need to get off my chest before I left that place. And then they moved me to a, a pre-release. So I was good after that.

It's just, it's crazy to me. I've never been in that situation to be like, okay, I'm going to get out in a year. Yeah, this dude was an asshole, but I could just let it be. But you're like, no, I have to, he has to pay for it. Yeah, it's a different mindset. Yeah, because in there, in there you, it's, it's no letting somebody make it with that form of disrespect. Right. Have you had any, you talked about it being difficult to transition back, but have you had any like

actual instances where you were like, oh, I, like you went almost went too far or you didn't go too far? Not since I've been, not since I've been home, you know, but even when I think back then, I don't think I ever went too far. I think I went right to the edge and then I pulled back. I think, I think the creator really looked out for me, you know, when they say, look out for children and foods. And for a lot of, a lot of them years, I was just a straight fool. I was a savage then. Then I got a little bit more grounded.

But before Mitchell, there was no incidents. There was no incidents. It was just like, I was just a normal person just walking through prison life and it was nothing. Was that your first arrest? Yeah, that was my first time ever being incarcerated. It only takes one. It only takes one. It's scary as fuck, man.

Can, is it possible to request solitary? I thought about that. You, um, you had to play crazy or something. Okay, deal. Who do you think you're dealing with? Some fucking novice? You had to, you had to, you had to play crazy to get just request solitary. Okay.

What kind of request? I said, is it possible to request solitary in prison because I would be terrified. We got dudes get up and hit somebody in the head with the tray with the food and they'll put you in there for free. You could save, you could save a fucking treat. Mm-hmm. Ooh, ooh. That was a quick run, Jack. Oh my god.

I took the car from the front, cut like three people off and the tow truck was right down the corner. They don't play. This is how they're making a living here. I'm on my side. You're in the back. Yeah. Yeah, you're cool. You're in the front of the fucking building, four o'clock they're out there.

You hear that peep, peep, peep? That means you're going down, cocksucker. That's worse code right there. So you gotta move the fucking car, huh? Good call. What the fuck you think you're dealing with? Some novice? I know how they fucking bang you here.

They don't fuck around that late, bro. That's the quickest, that's the quickest way they get you when you first moved to this town. They start banging you with tickets, really weird tickets. Then you miss one, now your car gets towed. You go do comedy one night, you come out, your car is gone. You go down and you owe us $252 for fucking one ticket, you didn't pay. I got a ticket in my parking spot for my apartment. I had my landlord write a letter saying this is his parking spot.

And I went in and sent it to them and they're like, no, we still won our money. Oh, they don't give a fuck. They don't give a fuck. They don't give a Frenchman's fuck about nothing. Ali, man, I'm happy I got yarn. I've been thinking about just the journey you had. I wish we had three more fucking hours, because we could talk to you for three more hours.

We get a minute out, shipped in the Uber, that shit in. That's a service. Very interesting. You should be very proud of yourself and your family's proud of you. I mean, you're fucking doing it. This is no dream. That's I wanted to talk to you. That was the most important thing of the conversation.

The first two weeks after you get sentenced, how your mind goes to a dark place. That's how you become a savage. Because you realize you don't have a life. Everything, now you start remembering everything somebody told you. Every time a teacher pulled you over and said, you ain't gonna make it or you're a fucking idiot. Or every time your dad said to you,

hey man, that's when you realize everybody was telling you the truth. Now your mind turns into something else. Your mind turns into a fucking loser. Once your mind believes it, you're gonna fucking believe it. And where the fuck are you? You're in jail. You're in jail. If you were a winner, you're not in fucking jail.

So your mind turns on you. And now you have to work your mind out of that. And once you get to your destination, yeah, you start taking classes. You do jumping jacks. But for a couple of days there, man, your mind goes to a weird place. Like you're not gonna be saved.

So you know what? Now you're looking for a motherfucker to get in your way. You're looking for a motherfucker to get in your way. Because I might as well do 30 fucking years in this shit. Like that's when they sentenced me to 15 years. Horrible, it's horrible. I literally said that I wasn't probably ever coming. No, you're not gonna come out.

What the fuck for? And it was his first arrest, he was saying. Oh yeah, they ain't fucking around. Wait, are they running a charity out there? What do you fucking think we're here? You think we're telling this story because, and it switches quickly, people. How quick does it come?

Quick, one minute you're in county and it gets worse when you're in county, right? Because you think you're getting busted for one thing and then they come back with six more. Six more. More. You're like, yo, I got busted for one thing. What is this case in that case?

Well, that watch you had on was stolen. It was on a murdered dude who got shot in Puerto Rico with a gun from the government. And you're like, what the fuck are you saying? The wallet you had belonged to Kennedy's bodyguard in Dallas and got stolen at the cemetery. You took two steps one way and now it's evading the rest. They put that on you, you're like, what?

It is unbelievable. So your mind goes to this weird place. And trust me, man, most of the people that stay in there for long periods of time, stay in there, brother. Your mind is the first person. Your mind is the first thing that goes to prison. Once your mind believes it, that's it. You got to keep saying this is just a temporary thing.

Like it was just a temporary thing for me. I'm like, I'm getting the fuck out of here. Once I hit that halfway house, I'm getting an envelope. I'm getting the fuck out of here. But in my journey, I knocked the chick up. And that's what held me back. They put me back in the halfway house. I was in there for six more fucking months.

I got out. Then I was working at a car wash under strict supervision. But I would talk to this dude once a week. I would talk to this dude, though. I'd leave once a week coming. Hey, Joe, hey, what's happening? I forget what his fucking name is now. What's happening, man?

What do you want the usual? And I'd write on his windshield and he'd give me a dollar tip. I'd give him like a free armor roll or something. And one day he comes out and he goes, you go to school? And I go, yeah, I'm trying to finish my degree. They won't let me on campus because I got a felony. He goes, you know who I am? I go, no, he goes, I'm the district attorney at Boulder.

And we started talking. And he goes, what's going on with you? And I told him about the kidnapping and stuff. And he goes, all right, do me a favor. Have your attorney type up a letter and I'll sign it. Done. The DA that convicted me was somewhere else now. He had gotten the work for the feds and environmental

and the other DA. So he was like, they're not there now. I could just sign this off. What are your plans? I go, I'm going to move to Jersey and go work for these people. He goes, you just have, that's how I got that whole fucking spiel. I thought he cut me down by 18 months. A relationship, I made it a car wash with some dude that I

spoke to for six months before I ever even asked him what he did. And there was another motherfucker that came in there. That's when I learned the world undercover cops. See, once I got out of prison was when I got the world undercover cops. I had a dude that would come in with cars all the time. And then they told me, they go, what these cops do is, if you're from Boulder, they don't work in Boulder. They work in Denver.

And the Denver cops work Boulder. And they have these cars that they got to maintain. They got to wash. And you'd see them, they pose like regular drug dealers. One day they have a Cadillac, the next day they got a Porsche. What would you think? Joey, how many cars you got? You got like six motherfucking cars.

You ain't nothing. You got your $400 a week cop. But that's how they get you, Lee. Amazing. And they would talk to me. They'd start talking to me. I told them who I was, what I was involved in. And they're like, yeah, we heard of that case.

And they're like, we busted the other guy one day. You know how we busted him? We took a plane with him to Miami. This motherfucker took a cop with him all the way to Florida and copped in front of the cop. And they nailed him at the fucking airport some guy was doing time with. So it's pretty amazing the shit you've made.

For you people who listen to the podcast, this was criminal week. I don't know if you realize that. We had Danny call in on last Thursday. And we were just covering this because a lot of people hit me up. But that said, the whole Ali thing is in criminal. It's a fucking success story. And I'm proud to have you here today.

Thank you. Where you perform that the next couple of weeks? I'm at the Brea Improv tonight. Then I'm at the Allington Improv. And then after that, I'm in San Antonio at the LOL River Center. Man, I'm there forever. Like almost a week. What's your website?

AliSedeek.com. ALISIDDIQ. And same as on my Instagram and all the rest of the things. Man, I thank everybody for, I definitely thank you. This is not happening. It has really boosted my career a lot. And people want me to tell this story at the comedy shows. And I'm like, this is like a real story.

That wasn't a bit that I was doing. That's like a real story. It's like, is it true? Like, yeah, pretty much. This is the truth. And it's Spanish dudes that I see that I was locked up with it. Like, yo, man, we did have on boots, man. I know the signs of things now.

So, man, it's just been a good ride. And hopefully they bring me back for next season. And all your stories are great on there. I think you have to be the most, you've been on every season. Since day one, I did the first one. I did the first one in the back of the improv. We were on a plane together and we were talking about music. And when he goes, come down and do a story.

But when I got down there, I thought of a different story. Sometimes he's just there watching somebody like, oh, shit. And I told that story and that got fucking a bunch of heads. And it's weird. People come up to me after the show and say, you didn't tell the story about Pink Floyd, man. Who's going to say that? Fuck, that's a one shot deal.

You went up there and started flowing. You got in your zone, you start throwing shit out there and it gets clicking. You could never repeat that feeling. So just so people at home. Thank you, little brother. Let me give a shout out to the sponsors and we'll get you the fuck out of here.

Lee, how are you feeling? I'm feeling great, man. Right? You're good tonight. The cookie would have been over fucking killed. Correct? The 500 milligram brownie? I mean, it's overkill already, but yeah. No, no. This is another cool thing.

I want to thank all our weed sponsors from my main man. I don't know what those are. Anarchy edibles. You don't need to know. Anarchy edibles to Carova sending us a little box. You know, but anarchy edibles, those stars of death. Still fucking kill motherfuckers. Coast to coast, as usual.

Killin' motherfuckers. On it.com. Always killin' motherfuckers. Whether it's with kettlebells or fucking the ropes of death. The ropes. Or spatter ropes or supplements. Whatever the fuck you need. On it's right there for you.

There's a leader in no tropics. And the one to kick down the door, wave in the 4-4 alpha brain like a motherfucker. You want to be sharp or you want to keep walking around like a fucking half a momo. Not remembering shit. Meanwhile, you're 23 and you only snorted paint one time. This is what I'm talking about.

Get your mind back. On it.com. Complete earth-grown no tropics with alpha GPC and AC-11. Do I know what that means? I got no fucking idea. I'm not going to blow smoke up your ass. Well, it's got to be something good because it's on it. Go to onit.com and look at the great selections that they have.

Whether it's the testosterone booster to the tea oil, the coconut oil that you could dip into your coffee or your fish or in your eggs. Whatever the fuck you want to do. Shroom tech sport, shroom tech immune. Always a staple. Should always have shroom tech sport in your bag if you're thinking of jumping up and down.

And basically, I'm giving you 10% off today. Wednesday, July 15th, I'm giving you 10% off. That's how much I love you. Get your honor career started right now. Go to onit.com, read everything, take a look at what they got, press in the box and get 10% off. You're the alpha brain.

It's not what I told you. You fucking send it back or don't send it back. We give you a money back guarantee, all right? I can't wait to eat edibles with you. What happened though? I can't wait to eat edibles with you. Oh, we're going to this one right here. We might close up with this.

This is the third hundred podcast. We might have to eat another one. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Look, Lee is begging. We might have to eat another fucking thing. Lee is no more eating. People are at home right now going, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee.

Three hundred episode. Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee. Well, I'll tell you what. Let's leave it to fate. You know, we split the kway lute, or we split, or we take a bite out of the brownie. What do you think? Let's split the kway lute.

What do you think? And go out and fucking call Paul and tell her you got something for her. Why are you trying to cause me, man? I'm not going to cause me. It's like I'm going to tie you up and take Pixie and set up the Israel. It's creepy as fuck at the tiny little bottle.

No, man, this will fuck you up. Half of this. We'll see the devil. We'll give you a bicycle with a helmet so you don't get hurt. What is it going to be, Lee? Do you want him or do you want me? Because I want you.

You know what I'm saying? The words of Prince here. Anyway, naturebox.com, Joey. What the fuck you got for me, Joe? I'll tell you what I got. Delicious, nutritious snacks delivered right to your fucking doorstep. And when I tell you delicious, nutritious snacks,

I'm talking about cocoa buns. I'm talking about Hawaiian plantain chips. I'm talking about the other plantain, the garlic plantain chips. I'm talking about products that are so fucking trouble. You can't even believe they're good for you. You don't have to go put change into the fucking office thing no more.

You know why? Because you can eat some at night and you can zip them back up and put them in your desk and stop being a fucking savage all your life. But you know what? Don't believe me. Say, Joey, I don't give a fuck about your product. Yes, you do.

Because I'm giving it to you for free. I'm going to give you a five-bag sample box on the fucking cuff. That's how I roll, bitches. Two big bags, three little ones delivered right to your house. The only thing you're paying for is shipping, like $1.90.

So stop fucking whining. I'm going to send you snacks. They're going to rock your world. Go to naturebox.com and pick out five fucking snacks, register, get they sent to your house, and you're going to fucking hit me up on Twitter and say, Joey, who's better than you, cocksucker, sending me those snacks for free.

Go to naturebox.com and press in. Go to naturebox.com slash Joey. Boom, and there you have it, a fucking free box shipped right to your door. Delicious, nutritious, proportioned. I mean, products that the granola, it's just, listen, I'm too high to break it down for you right now.

You got to catch me before 12 if you want listening to shit like that. Number two, you know what else I'm going to take care of you with? Me on these.com. Oh, shit. All right, they're also going to take over the periscope, I think.

But listen, I got me on these on right now. I got the left ones. You want me to fucking show you? I think I got the black ones with the purple fucking stripe. That's what I'm feeling today. Black with a purple stripe. Are you kidding me or what?

Anyway, go to meonthese.com right now and look at the great selection of women and men, shorts, athletics, wear, sweatpants. I mean, they got shit and it's comfortable as fuck. It's light. They got these cut off sweatpants that you get. I got red ones. They are so fucking comfortable.

Do you understand me? And like the underwear, they cup your nutsack, which is big in my world. I'm 52. My nuts are all over the fucking place. It's scrambled eggs. So what you do is you get the underwear and then you put the underwear on first,

then you put the pants on. Listen, you're comfortable as shit. Me on these and they pull the sweat away from the nutsack so your nuts are always fresh. Who's better than you? You want to show up with stinky balls or you want to show up looking bad to the bone and your balls are all fresh.

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Joey. Boom. 20% off like a motherfucker and free shipping in the United States and Canada, correct? Yes, sir. That's how I'm taking care of you with me on these.com. But don't take it from me. Go to me on these.com right now

and check out the great selection that they have. Go to naturebox.com and get your free sample box and always honor.com, the leader in the tropics, trying to fucking get your mind straight just in case you got hit in the head with a safe somewhere along the line. I love you guys. Thank you for being here for 300 episodes.

I want to thank my main man Ali for coming in here and fucking blessing up with some prison stories. Listen, if you can't do the time, don't do the crime. Don't be a punk ass bitch. You make a mistake, you go in, you come out, you can do whatever the fuck you want from scratch and there'll be people there for you. I don't know who's going to be there for you,

but trust me, it all works out. It all works out. It all works out, brother. I'm going to be undyed. You saw me on this underwear. Yeah, no, this bad shit right there. Lee, shut this motherfucker down till Monday. What?

It's just around the corner. I have to do the ads. You know why. Cubes. Now that the show's over, don't forget to go to naturebox.com and sign up to get your free sampler box of great tasting, healthy snacks. Forget the vending machine and start snacking smarter

with delicious treats like barbecue kettle kernels. Go to naturebox.com slash joey. That's naturebox.com slash joey. Also, go to meondies.com slash joey and use code word joey. Sorry, just go to meondies.com slash joey. You're going to get 20% off your first order with free shipping in the United States and Canada.

And go to online.com and use code word church to get 10% off your first order. Go to naturebox.com slash joey. I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know what I'm doing, I've come 24 hours I come twenty-four hours Been with some time sitting

Slippin' a day Oh, twenty-four hours Baby, sometimes seem to Slippin' a day One minute seems like a long day Oh, baby, when I feel this way Sittin' lookin' at the clock Turnin' myself strong

I've been watchin' for the hands to move Until I just end up no more I come twenty-four hours Baby, sometimes seem to Slippin' a day One minute seems like a long day Baby, when I feel this way Slippin' a day

One minute seems like a long day One minute seems like a long day One minute seems like a long day One minute seems like a long day One minute seems like a long day One minute seems like a long day One minute seems like a long day One minute seems like a long day

One minute seems like a long day One minute seems like a long day One minute seems like a long day One minute seems like a long day I recall you used to say Oh, baby, this one's for we two Which in the end is for you anyway I've been watchin' for hours

Baby, sometimes seem to Slippin' a day One minute seems like a long day Baby, when I feel this way There was a time that I stood down In the eyes of other women But my, my own choice I left for me And now I can't get my devil

I've got 24 hours Sometimes seem to Slippin' a day One minute seems like a long day One minute seems like a long day One minute seems like a long day One minute seems like a long day I feel this way

Thanks for watching!