Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #302 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: July 23, 2015

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio   This podcast is brought to you by:   Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/joey to get your first two meals free   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   
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 One Of These Nights - The EaglesThese Shoes - The Eagles

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When you go to onit.com, use code word church to get 10% off all of their great optimization products like alpha brain, new mood, strong bone, it's code word church to get 10% off. Oh shit. This is one of the first rock songs I really fucking dug. I heard it in Miami, I almost lost my fucking mind. How old are you? Don Felder. Maybe 11.

11. This guy's one of the most underrated guitar players. Oh shit. The church. You bad motherfuckers. July 21st, 22nd, whatever the fuck it is. You hear. Oh shit.

Kick it, Lee. Put your little matching blue shirt on, cock sucker. What? Oh. You've got desires. That's right. I got a few dirty fucking desires myself on this beautiful Wednesday. I hope you guys are doing well at home today.

What's happening, Lisa? Yeah. Having a great day. Again, thank you. I was really messed up last time, but thank you to everybody for the birthday wishes. I got hundreds of them. So thank you. Good, good.

And it was just getting fucked up, man. I'm really starting to enjoy weed, which is a little, and it's not that I didn't before. I always had fun, but it's not. It's not a ride the fucking way. Panic. It was just, it's just so fucking high. You've been smoking it all on your own. You know what?

I haven't, but I went to Sunset Herbal where we get the stars and they gave me a free gram because it's my first time. So I'm like, maybe I should go get a pipe. I prefer edibles though. I don't know how you are. I know you like everything. I like everything. But I prefer, I think edibles, I really like the whole body thing as opposed to just the

head for me. Just make you too fucking hungry at night. Yeah, they really do. You don't get the same with smoking? I don't know. Yeah. Yeah, I know they smoke some good weed and I got really hungry, but edibles after about 1045, the hunger is just overpowering, especially if you worked out that day.

The hunger. Well, I don't know about you, but I'm always hungry at that time anyways. That's when I get hungry. No, no, there's a couple of different hungers. There's like, last night I got up and I ate three white peaches before I went to bed and I go to bed. There's that type of hunger. Then there's the hunger that maybe you have three white peaches.

You have a tablespoon of peanut butter and maybe some water, you know, and a fucking some almonds. Then there's the fucking hunger where you just got to put a sandwich together, you know, with the worst possible things in the American cheese and fucking, you know, a boy's head ham. There's nothing better than like a grilled cheese and ham? I love that shit. And that's the shit.

I fucking, you know, yesterday my wife was around, I was around the house lurking and I said, do you want to go eat some? And she's like, yeah, but I'm sick and tired of this place around here. I go, let's go to this place and I ended up eating half a fucking steak and sandwich and I had the fries because I had, I never fucking eat fries. I hate fucking all the fries around here in Cali. I hate them. I hate them.

My wife even said to me, we haven't gone to five guys lately. I go, listen, I don't get the urge all the time to eat a burger. But when I do, I want a good fry. And I fucking eat. You know what? Five guys is good. It's just expensive. I don't like the fucking fries.

Really? Five guys. McDonald's fries are fucking disgusting. They're like sugar sticks. You know, I want fries. I want like crinkle cut fries that are long. I forget about crinkle cut a lot. I love them.

I'm a steak fry person. I'm a steak fry guy too. So I just stopped. I just stopped. But yes, I had a breakdown. I had a couple of fries with the cheese steak and it was pretty fucking good, those fries. Were you higher? Were you just?

Oh, I went to the strength and conditioning class. What I even is? And on the way out, the guys like, hey man, I want to give you a present. You're a fellow and he gave me 600 milligrams of this THC box. Jesus. So there were 200 a piece, little things. So I gave one to my friend I trained with and I blasted one. Then I had the other one at the house and it was just sitting there all lonely on the desk.

So about 11.30, I ate that motherfucker just to, you know, you don't want to eat one of anything. You always want them to go down as a twin. Yeah. You don't want them to be lonely in there. And by fucking 2.30, I was losing my mind. I had those kettle bells and, you know, I stretched and I fucking jumped rope when I got home. I was fucking. I always try to have a protein shake when I get home from all those things.

But the edibles just fucking make you too hungry, too hungry and don't eat anything. Then I went to the mall last night. I didn't eat. I had a protein shake. Did those help you? I have to start getting into that. I haven't really started the protein shake thing. You know what?

It's like a meal replacement. But does it actually replace a meal? Fuck yeah. It sits in there like I had one at 1.30. I'm good. Okay. You know, I put some ice cubes in the blender, some fucking water. I put a banana in that motherfucker.

Because you've told me that even after our workout, within 30 minutes, I should have protein. I don't know any of that shit. You have like these little tears in your muscles. You want to rebuild those. That's what makes you stronger. Okay. There's those little tears. Every time you go, maybe next time you do two push-ups, maybe next time you do four.

Yeah. Your body gets used to the motion. But at the same time, you're building strength. All those little fiber muscles that you haven't used in 20 years and people haven't used in 10 years. Right. So it's just, that's it. Man, I'm just getting ready to go to Chicago.

Fucking great city. That's gonna be fun. You know, it's, Chicago is one of those cities where you could really get lost and it's got so much culture and, you know, it's a little like New York, but different. I've heard this. I've always wanted to go to Wregley. I've never been. Yeah.

That's a great place too. Have you been? Years, years ago. And that's it. Listen, I don't know what happened to me as far as the crowds are concerned. Like we were talking about this at Rudy Scharzo when he came on. I just go to those things now. And I know this, like Dean Delray and Bill Burr went to see Steely Dan last week.

Oh, wow. Fucking great. I love Steely Dan. Well, especially for baseball games, the problem is now that they're getting way too expensive. Way too expensive. Anyway, like 40 bucks a ticket. Way too expensive. Way too fucking much to walk.

You know, too much drama. Once you get there, listen, I'm not cheap. I don't want to feel like I'm getting raped. Right. And that's how I feel at every fucking event now. You go to an airport, you feel like you're getting raped. I went to a hotel two weeks ago. I only had the palms and fucking room service.

You know, it's, I want to have the option to eat like a fucking pork person. I don't want to eat the fucking palms. It's for nine fucking meals. Or I got to walk to that cheesecake factory. Every time you go to cheesecake factory, there's a fucking line off the ass. Oh, it's always. And you know what I'm like about the cheesecake factory? Everything?

They got 2,000 dishes. You can't be that good at all those dishes. Now we're down to eight. Let's get the fucking party started. All right. Absolutely. What's up with you, Cuck Sucker? I'm just excited for time.

I've been working on Toronto. I'm really excited about that, but just trying to do something every day, just trying to make myself a little bit busier and a little bit busier. And I'm going to jujitsu tomorrow. I just last week didn't work out. So I'm going to make sure I go to the 12 o'clock class tomorrow, 1230 class. I went to last week's Thursday class. Son's a very good teacher.

I love the song. He's been writing. And he's teaching this thing called the turtle, which you never think about. And nobody teaches it. And you find yourself there. And it's pretty much the end of the match. Do you really find yourself there? Yeah.

Sometimes that's where you go. You go to sweep and you don't get to sweep, but you try a sweep and go for the leg. And when you go for the leg, he blocks it and there you are on the turtle. Okay. And now he's got you with a shoulder or whatever the fuck it is, a seat belt. Oh, yeah. He's got you in a seat belt and now you have no way to move. What he's teaching you is how to grab the elbow, tuck it in, spin with the guy, pop a leg out,

at least retain guard. It's shit that I had never seen done before or had never learned about before. And I went last week and it was great. It's hot as fuck. So you're sweating puddles on the floor. Yeah. You can see where, you know, when you get up, you can see the grease from your fucking hair. At least I can see the gel in my hair.

I love sweating. I think sweating is the best fucking thing. And when I'm doing it, I fucking love it. And I hate when I miss a day of sweating because the next day I always feel like my sweaty is fucking my sweat is stinky. Do you ever get pissed off at like the gym or maybe due to if they have the AC on too high? Like I purposely, when I'm doing an elliptical, I'll find a machine. I have like three or four of them that aren't under the AC because it's like, what's the point?

Under the AC sometimes it's just a fucking pain in the ass because that's the quickest way to catch an ammonia. Oh, I just, I just want to sweat. Sometimes some people want to sweat. Yeah. As you're sweating to have that air blown on you, it defeats the purpose. I like a fan. You do?

I like when a fan hits you. Like when a fan is oscillating and it hits you when you're working out. So you know that you're getting something every four or five minutes. I like something like that better with room temperature. Just a breeze. Okay. When you're breathing and you're confused and shit, just to get a breeze blown on you. I need it.

I tried the Stairmaster a couple of weeks ago. That shit's hard. Oh, that shit's hard. Like I had been doing the elliptic. I was like, okay, this will be the same. But it was like, I could only do like 15 minutes of it. And I just start because it just constantly just stare. It's not your arm, right?

It's your leg. No. Yeah. It's literally like a whole bunch of stairs just moving. It's like just climbing up a hundred flights of stairs. And it was just fucking died. So I did something a couple of days ago when it was really, I was going through shit. I was writing.

I've been writing a lot. I went to the lab factory last night and I've been telling you guys I've been having a hard time on stage and what the problem is is that I have three jokes that are pretty good, but they're in transition. Okay. Okay. And you can't pop them at the comedy store because there's always people there. They have these monster lineups.

So it's very hard to work these obscure type bits. But I mean, just is it because you would feel self-conscious if you bombed and they were all doing well? Absolutely. Okay. You know, people go into the store to see a great lineup of comedy. You know, you walk up to the store on a Tuesday and you're like, how is it? And then I sold out.

You're like, fuck. I wanted to come up here and try material. I was hoping for 60 people just to fuck around and get like a range. You know, so last night I just got frustrated. I said, fuck it. I'm just going to write and just go out and do it. And I don't give a fuck. So last night was the result.

I went to the lab factory with Joe and Tom Arever and how he meant that was there. It was pretty neat. But the other day I was going through my stuff and I was going through some old paperwork and I got an email from the fucking IRS or some shit. This like about a payment I made or a document about an attorney that I had. I had this crazy fucking attorney when I first got separated. I got this fucking attorney who was basically like a white con man and he was like corn fed. Like you never see a corn fed white con guy.

You always see con guys from the East and their slippery or right. They got sharp hair in Miami. This guy was like a very all American con guy. He was a horrible attorney and I paid him some money. Then I had to put the rest of the payment on the American Express card which I didn't pay but they paid him. And then I had to keep giving him like $500 a month until I realized that he was a horrible, horrible attorney.

And I told him to fuck off that he had cost me my whole thing and at that time I was still throwing some blame on people. And I paid him. I reluctantly paid him. I put him on a payment program so he could sue me and worsen my credit and it all what he was. So I paid him like 25 bucks a month for like fucking six years. Jesus. I milked him until one day he called me himself and he was saying I'm moving to Hawaii.

I thought about what you said to me years ago. I didn't really represent you properly. Don't worry about paying me anymore. And that went away. But I was always honorable that way. Like I always believed like there's some people who go out of the way for you and to lend you money. And you know it was just and as I was going through that I thought of his name. Phil Dubois.

Phil Dubois was my attorney when I got in trouble. OK. In Colorado. In Colorado. OK. Phil was the whitest guy I had ever met at that time. OK. When he when I got a reference to him when I got referred to him and I went to that office

I was going to walk out of there and kill the guy that referred me to him and kill this attorney. Why. Because this guy you know I grew up and my mom's attorneys and my stepdad's attorneys and I grew up and I saw how these wheeler dealers would talk to you and this guy didn't talk to me that way. He spoke to me in a professional manner like he told me what his plan was. And I'm like that's a horrible fucking plan. But a little bit I know that for the little amount of money I paid this guy he really saved my life. Really.

What did he in what way. There's times when you have an attorney and they sell you up and it's not that they sell you out literally is that you're part of a plan. You're part of three or four people in a criminal and a criminal investing. If I have one criminal that means I got three or four of them. OK. And let's say I specialize in drugs as an attorney. OK.

I have three or four drug attorneys. So I might have two clients. I'm just saying in Denver one client in Boulder and one client in Greeley. I'm just giving out specifics here. All right. OK. I don't want somebody to call me and say joy. What do you know.

So now let's say I have Lisa and I have Joe Diaz. Lisa is a kilo player. I'm just throwing out things here. Very professional. I like it. Nobody. He got a bust. One of his salesmen got caught and he rolled on Lee.

You know. And Bob Bob Bob Bob Bob Bob Lee's looking at in reality 16 years. Because Lee has money and he went to rehab and he got letters from the community. He's got a business and he's got children. Now the sent thing is up to the attorney. OK. Up to the judge. The judge and the probation department.

So now you got to get finders for the probation department. Now people would say that I grew up in Boulder and my your case was in Boulder. All I got to do is make a few phone calls and go listen. Lisa. That's a good guy. OK. Now Joey Diaz gets busted for a fucking armed robbery type thing. Makes the papers.

Guys in the trunk. Not a beautiful fucking story. You know what I'm saying. Right. He has Joe Diaz and he's got Lisa at now. He calls the attorney the district attorney. So what do you want to do in plea bargains with. So he'll work it.

He'll go Lisa at first Lisa at. What are you looking at councilman counselor and he'll go well I'm looking at maybe six years. He goes fuck no nine. And that's how it starts. I got a commitment. Little commitments become big commitments and I work it backwards. How about eight nine nine nine nine nine.

He got caught with a kilo. He had been running in the criminal enterprise. You know. Yeah. But the guys also got kids and he's also a pillar to the community. He's also coached Little League and you didn't fucking know he was a fucking code dealer then. So he did all this on his own fucking thing.

OK. You don't want me to get those kids in court in front of the fucking judge. Do you. Do you want me to get 80 kids in there. To tell how good of a guy he is. Even though he was a drug dealer. No. Let's go for the seven and a fucking half.

OK. Seven and a half non. It's a deal. Right. Negotiate. Now after Lisa had to go what are we going to do about Joey Diaz. What are we going to do about Joey Diaz. He got caught with a machine.

He kidnapped some dude. It's an armed robber. He's looking at 16 fucking years. Let's pretend. Lee's paying me 40,000 and Joey's paying me 25. Who am I going to work hard for. Lee. OK.

So I want Lee to get a better deal than Joey Diaz. Joey Diaz kidnapped somebody with a fucking machine. He gets what he deserves. How stressful is that for you as when you were being a when you were a criminal that it doesn't even really matter what you do. All that really matters in a way is how much money you have for a lawyer. Listen. Here's what.

All right. That's what the problem is. That's why black people in Latino dominate the prison system in numbers. OK. If you don't have money but you also get great attorneys. You also get people like Paula that have pride. So let's say I have Paula and I'm not paying. Usually the people that you don't pay are the people that do the best job for you.

They're working it from fucking heart. Right. So the whole time you're in somebody else's hands. The thing about Phil Dubois was he had a plan. This motherfucker had a plan because that's what a lawyer does. A lawyer looks at your case and has a plan and his main plan was to flip the violence to prove I was nonviolent. I mean he fought that toot and fucking nail because everybody knows what you see.

I don't know the whole breakdown. How attorneys lingo is what Paula would know. Right. What you read and what you see are two different things and what people believe. And they was a word perceived. Right. Perception is another attorneys have a thing and that's how they trick you. It's called perception.

You know you read that with this guy. It's like when I write I kick somebody in the fucking stomach. When I say to you Lee how about I kick you in the stomach and we giggle. When I write it down and you read it don't look too fucking good. Right. And they know how to turn that around or just leave some stuff out. Yeah. Loosening the words.

It's like when you see a trailer. Yeah. It's like when you see you ever see that episode on something about reviews. Like the only review you see is astounding and accelerating. All right. Yeah. Review is really astounding. Accelerating for the first 30 minutes.

I got the fuck out of there. You know what I'm saying. But they cut the rest of the review. That's all they need. Yeah. And that's all they need. So you read what you want to read. Right.

The fine print tells you something else. It's the same thing. So he could have sold me it. My name came out in the paper. Didn't really. Oh fuck yeah. My name came out in the paper a couple of times for that. You know I don't want to get into that stuff.

But what I'm trying to get into is. Okay. He was he could have just sold me out because I've had attorneys before that have sold me. I know the feeling. What do you mean they sell you like they're just like fucking like they use you. Yeah. You're supposed to do this and they get you this. You know when I got separated and divorced that was the worst attorneys I ever had.

And then I finally got what happened. Nothing. And then I finally got this crazy Jew. He wanted money. He wanted money. And thank God I was working in the sports betting service and I had a bunch of change. I made a bunch of change once December and he wanted like five thousand just to get the party started.

Here I am broke fucking living in a one bedroom and I'm paying people five thousand dollars lead. I'm dying inside. And he every time you write the check. Every time I fucking wrote the check I got dizzy about the check. It was just what they were charging me to talk to me on the phone. Every time something came up they'd have to call me and charge me again. I was getting fucking two thousand dollar bills in the mail.

Jesus. Finally I wrapped it all up. I took a loan out right before I went belly up. I took a fucking loan out. I think I took a loan out for like 12 five. I had an accurate and Tigra. It was a fucking mess. I mean I was at the point of fucking death.

I talked to people who are in debt. I got in debt to get into more debt. I figured out that when you get a credit card they send you those blank checks. Yeah. I took those blank checks and I took those to the bank after midnight to a 24 hour teller and I wrote them out for five grand and they gave me the money. Discover found out that I was overdrafted on fucking Monday but by that point I already had the fucking cash.

The money's gone. The money's gone. I had two attorneys to see my daughter. But the bottom line was the criminal attorney I paid off. Okay. I paid him off. The divorce attorneys I milked them from 95. I think I made my last payment maybe 99 with those fucking thieves.

Jesus. I had two different fucking thieves. Thieves. Thieves. Here I was living in a fucking car making 300 payments to one fucking guy but I was living in a car on fucking sunset. And there's just no way that's what it costs. Why?

What can I do? Take him to court and say they didn't do the fucking job and then that would have cost me another 10 fucking thousand. I would have had to get my comedy game. I would have spent half my life in fucking Denver flying back and forth. That's expensive, man. Hell yeah. It was like when I was paying that child support I was paying $635 a month.

What was I going to do? Fucking petition the court. That's another $10,000. Yeah. Now I don't pay child support and it gets tacked on to the fucking principal. I went through hell in those times. People talk about being broke. You have no, this is between being broke and being broke and having the walls at your door.

Right, yeah. This is between being broke and being broke and having people calling you up every 15 minutes. I was telling my wife the other night, I remember going to comedy clubs and after 20 minutes the manager of the comedy club handed me the phone saying there's somebody on the phone for you. They got a movie deal. And me going hello and they're like, hey, it's acne fucking collections.

You never sent us the check for $69. And then when I didn't send the check for $69, I would get to my favorite places and my friends would go here. Somebody called from acne collections. You know how embarrassing that is when your fucking friends tell you that. You just got a call here at the bar where you hang out from acne collections. I couldn't answer my phones at the house. Letters, piles.

I mean, I went under deep and here I am paying these fucking motherfuckers, but to get back to Phil Duvall, I paid him and we communicated for about a year or two and when I got separated he was friends with her family. So he was very cold to me. I had a prom once and I called him and I smacked my ex's boyfriend, I called him and he didn't want to get involved. I go, you're the best attorney, I know why when you get involved because I'm through with this.

And he hung up on me and that was it. He didn't talk to me. I never talked to him again. I always felt that I owed him even an extra thank you. So the other day when I'm going through my thing, I typed up his name and then his number came and I answered and as usual he fucking answered the goddamn phone. He's always answered his own phone. Is he still a lawyer?

He's still a lawyer and I told him this was a voice from the past that I just want to take the time out to thank him. I told him what my name was and he remembered and I said, I just wanted to thank you because I didn't want you to think that all that work you had done was in vain. You know, I didn't want you to think that, you know, I was out still doing blah, whatever. This email made you do this, you hadn't been thinking about it. No, no, I just called him and just said this is, I really think that you should know this. I really think that you saved my life because you could have taken the first plea bargain

of nine years and I would have never got out of there. I would have never got out. What would have happened in there? You would have killed somebody? No, but nine years, you never get out of that. You never get out. Nine years straight. I would have gone in at 27 and got out of fucking 36.

You don't recover from that beating at that age. I come out to do drugs and sell drugs. There's nothing I'm going to do. I'm dead inside at that point. But he really fought for me and he fought fucking hard, you know, and he tried his hardest, man. What is it like when you're going through that trial process? The only thing I can even think it might be similar to is waiting to hear back from colleges

in a way. Like you're just sitting there and you know what's coming at some point and there's no one you can call to find anything out from and your whole life is depending on it. Is it stressful? Do you not even worry about it? What are you going through? I was worried. I was fucking worried the whole, you know, I stayed out in the street for nine fucking

months and six of those months I lost some sleep at night. You know, I remember the situation I was involved in. We forget the situation. I go out to dinner with you. You make me laugh. You eat some Metables. We go see Mad Max. We giggle.

We go get a slice of pizza. And then when I get home and I look at my mail, there's a letter from my attorney. I'm like, fuck, there's something hanging over your head. You know what it's like to live with something hanging over your head? Not that serious. Okay, now there's different levels of things hanging over your head. Yeah. There's minute things.

You got to drop a paper or for, you know, you have a deadline on Friday for a fucking term pay. But those are minute things when you have to go in for surgery or your parent has to go in for surgery or you're waiting for results of a biopsy from your family or, you know, you're waiting to go to prison. You're waiting to hear your sentence. You're waiting to hear what happens in this. You know, you live your life with this fucking weird anguish, like, you know, like it's twisted.

You're waiting on something. You're fucking waiting on something. You're waiting on something. So you have two options. You can let that weight weigh on you or you can keep moving forward and keep doing what you're doing. A lot of people sit there waiting for that weight to land on, to sit there and say, well, I can't do nothing because I'm still, no, you got to do what the fuck you're doing.

You know, and I was one of those people. I'm waiting on that. It's not in the way, though. Yeah. There's not no way. It's like when you tell somebody, listen, I got a job. You know, like, at least they're going to get me a job at Disney. I'm on the waiting list.

Oh, while you're waiting, you still got to put fucking food in the table. Right. But was it, what did it feel like when you heard that you were guilty? Was it, was it even just, you're just happy to have it be over or were you, like, were you sad even more? No, I find that on a Friday. I was going to go to jail on a Monday and I just made sure I was the best weekend of my fucking life.

Really? Yeah. Because there was a probability and I knew when I didn't know the sad thing in life is when you know what your options are and you don't want to do them more. You know what the answer is, but you, you know, you're fucking pussy footin' around it. Right. You know, you know what the fuck the answer is.

I knew I was going to fucking prison. I was going to prison for that or for all the sins I had done. But one way or another, I was going to end up in prison. Right. That's the scariest reality, people. I'm very, I've always listened. I'm not negative and I'm not positive. I'm a motherfucking realist.

Okay. You're five foot six. You're 110 pounds. You jump fucking 10 inches off the floor. You're going to a division to college to play fucking basketball. You're going to make it to the pros. You might make it. You might not.

You might make it through a lot of heart, but will you endure all those years like spud web? I mean, what were you saying? Right. So you have to make decisions. Do I give this up now? Am I invested in this? You know, there's different decisions we have to make.

Do you stress it a lot now? Because I mean, I've known you for like four years and I know you get mad about some things, but I don't really, I don't really, I think I've ever seen you or heard you talk about being stressed about something. Maybe I should be stressed when I was a young man. I used to always be a man with stress. So may I get you tissue? Sorry about that, people.

The allergies out here. I was always stressful from the ages of fuck, what happened to a box of tissues? I think it's all it was over from the ages of 15. Even before my mom passed to 24, I was a stress machine. I asked questions. Why? How? How come?

You know, one day I was like, what does it matter? What does it fucking matter? And I didn't know. I used to be very, I would lose sleep at night and excuse me, I went to a doctor and he told me, he talked to me like, it was a psychiatrist, he was a family doctor that was a little older and just sat me down and said, I got time. What bothers you? Give me three of the things that bother you.

My future, this, that, and he goes, you don't have to worry about any of that. Think about it. What are you worried about that shit for? And I was like, it was like he fucking took the fucking blinders off my eyes. There's so many unnecessary things we as Americans think about and worry about that they don't affect our life in any way. But for some reason we think that affects us. Right.

And there's things that we'd like to make believe affect us so we get some sort of attention. Right. Well, like that's the sort of thing for me. I try not to get mad. Like if a, if a flight gets canceled, as long as the people there are polite, there's not really anything I'm going to be able to do about that. Where I'm bad is I'm always looking forward. So like I'm always like 10 years down the road, five years down the road, six months.

And that's what I get nervous about. That's that's what I used to do. What am I going to be doing in 10 years and next thing I'm pacing and I'm fucking crying. Yeah. I'm 21. What the fuck do you need to worry about 10 years, three years, five years or two years? Just worry about your plan for the next six months at 21. And once I did that, I started making little strides.

I really, and this was way before I met Jim Handy. I just talked to that doctor and that doctor said to me, what, what are you worried about? This, this, this, this, well, you were going to school now, right? Yeah. What are you taking? Six credits a semester? You're halfway there. So it'll take you eight years to get a degree.

Yeah. But what in three years? What am I going to do when they come? What are you worried about it for? It's got nothing to do with your burying or what you're doing right now. I had coffee with Josh Wolp this morning and it was very interesting that that's the same kid I sat across 17 years ago. Talking about our fears and our hopes and what we wanted in LA.

And you look at this guy now and he's calm. We were in a rush to go nowhere. Right. We were in a fucking, we were sprinting in a, in a, in a, in a, in a fucking distance run. You know, just in a marathon. We were sprinting in a marathon and that type of sprinting, that type of, your nose is all.

Joey, we haven't, you know, yesterday I got a call to do the podcast festival 20 years ago, 30 years ago, I would have stressed out about that right now. Oh my God. I had Vegas. I'd like to do the festival. If I don't do the festival, what's going to happen to my me in the festival? You know what? Nothing's going to happen.

Right. Nothing. It's so, it's like we're waiting for this bomb to drop. We stay in our homes. It's like two YK. What was that? Y2K. How old were you in two YK?

What, 15 years ago? So you were 12. When you went to bed that night, did you say a Jew prayer? No, I wasn't worried about it. Did you look at your banging hand? I didn't have a banging hand. Well, a lot of people did. A lot of people went to bed very scared and open up their windows next day and they looked

around like I am legend. Yeah. That they were going to be the only people left in the fucking world and what happens? Nothing. Well, it keeps going. There's a really, there's something that, you know, I hate telling people that I've learned stuff from movies, but sometimes a writer has a message and it could be in a book.

I mean, anytime somebody writes something good, there's really a message in there. If you really fucking think about it, whether it's the Exorcist or the Godfather or... And a lot of the fuck was I saying, oh, about a message and there's a, in the thief, there's a story when he's telling Tuesday World about a situation and how he got himself worked up and the whole thing and the next day when they released him from that thing, he goes, you know what happened? Nothing. Nothing at all happened.

It was like, but here I worked myself up and that's what I used to do, Lee. Yeah. I used to work myself up before I go to bed about the day before I was the king of that. I was the king of that. Like analyzing what you said and what you did? No, analyzing the next day before it even happened. You know, I'm going for an interview. That shit used to drive me back crazy.

Yeah. You know, it's funny how I still get tweets from people, hey Joey, I'm going on an interview. Wish me luck. Those are the first people I wish luck because I know how I felt when I was 20 and 21 going into those things. What did it feel like, Lee? The end of your world. Yeah.

You don't know how to deal with the other side yet. When you get out of college and you go on these job interviews and they call you in for two interviews and you don't get the job, you really feel disappointment the first time you hear no. The nose start to not sting as much. It's like getting smacked in the face. If I smack you 15 times a day after 30 days, you're going to go, Joey, you better start smacking me 30 because I don't feel these 15.

Right. The only issue that was a job interviews is like it's a little bit different from prison in a way is that a lot of times you just don't hear. So that's, I used to get stressed out about that too. There you go. Because you'll leave the interview and it's the only thing in your head. But for them, they're doing 10 more interviews in four meetings that day. So you always think you're more important than you are.

Not even like they have a big ego, but it's just like everything in your life is the most important thing. But to everyone else, it's way down the list. They have their whole life to deal with. I used to live with a kid in this town for a few months in between girlfriends one time. He had lost his girlfriend. I had lost my girlfriend and I would listen to him in the morning. He was from East Coast and he would call his mom up every morning and discuss the audition.

He was terrible. He was terrible. He doesn't even live in LA no more. I don't even think he's in the business. I mean, usually people can keep you in contact. He's gone. And I always stop by calling your mom and your uncles and your friends. You put too much pressure on yourself like me in my world.

That's too much pressure. So now I switch it. I switch it to a kid like yourself that calls their mom and go, mommy, I'm going to believe this because just last Thanksgiving at fucking supper, grandma said to you, why don't you live in Connecticut with us? We have the pen factory. You're out there in LA with those fags running around getting sun. That's how the East Coast people's mentality is.

And all of a sudden they're like, come over here. So now you got this job, you're going in for your third interview. You got to call mom and prove to her that, you know what, mom, maybe I don't need grandma. I stopped doing that though. Yeah, there you go. I know. What are we discussing here? Not only because it because you don't need to call anymore, but I used to call and then

if I didn't get the interview, I feel bad. So like now I've gotten to the point where I don't tell people almost anything until it's definitely going to happen. You learn because the first three interviews, you'd call everybody and then when you don't get nothing that's disappointment, you start questioning your degree. Why did I put four years into this fucking degree? You know, you read somewhere that if you have that type of degree, you know, those careers are down 33% when you should know in the bottom of your heart that all those numbers don't

meet a fucking thing. They're always looking for somebody good. There's always looking for somebody with heart. All those numbers used to detract me and that's all they are is numbers to detract you. You know, I got an email a couple of months ago. You need to talk to Lee, to talk to Paula and tell her to switch. You got that email. Didn't you?

To switch careers. Oh yeah? Listen, yeah. Okay, I'm sorry. A million fucking lawyers are good, but you know what? Individuals vary and some guy might get out and go right into a firm and fucking rock and roll and some guy might get out and be a Humpty Dumpty. It's definitely harder now.

What do you feel about astronomy because like I have this guy who is like a family friend who will take your birthday and no, I swear to God, and he like, he does like bad and good cycles and there's a bunch of people that I know who really believe in it and I got a call from one of them last week and apparently according to him in 2017, I'm going to hit a bad cycle for a couple of years and I for like four or five hours, I was like, oh shit, what should I do? And then and then I was high and then you were like, maybe in two years I might have to move and then it was just like I was high and I was freaking out about it.

And then I was like, you know what, man, I can't like what if and then I started thinking like what if I went back to editing and then in two years, you get a TV show that I would have been on who know, like who knows, but it's just like hearing it almost live your life. It almost it's worse knowing. Yeah. Nobody. And let's get this fucking straight.

Nobody could predict your fucking future. You don't think so? No. Nobody. Nobody. Nobody. Nobody could predict your future. Astrology, numerology, santeria, the dude down the corner.

Listen, that's the beautiful thing about your future. There's going to be peaks and there's going to be valleys. Yeah. Trust me, I'm telling you, there's going to be days, man, when you're going to think about the time you paid $44 for that steak. That's how broke you're going to be. You're going to remember a specific date where you took a friend of yours on, you paid $80 for a steak.

You're going to go fuck. I wish I had that 40 back right now. I'm going to go fuck. There's going to be peaks and valleys in this life. There's things you could do as a human being to keep your percentages up. Right. Okay. There's things you could do, Lee.

Listen, I've been hungry and I've had too much in the refrigerator to eat. I know both ways. I grew up with money and then I went, you know, I hustled myself for a few years and then I decided to get into this career and I got to tell you something. It was the hardest first 10 years I ever had. Thank God for the friends I have, the little bit of backbone that I have, the little bit of thievery that I have and larceny, extra larceny genes, I made it somehow or another. Like Bobby said, if you came to me right now and go, my son wants to get into this, I know

that it's a struggle, but anything you choose in this life, there's going to be a struggle. Whether you're a writer, whether you're a poet, you know, okay. You go at it tomorrow, okay, and you go back to editing and they give you $22,000 an hour and you work 40 hours a week and then after six months they get bought by Warner Brothers and they have to let go of six editors. Is that the peak of value that he's talking about? Then he's going to call you up and say, I predicted this. No, you're a fucking jerk.

I'm telling you as a man, I'm telling you as a man that you're not going to live your whole fucking career, your whole life without a downfall. It might be financial. What about if it's emotionally? Yeah. Okay, when you talk about a person, do you think you're always going to be happy with Paula? Do you think you're always going to be happy with your mother?

Do you think you're always going to be happy with life and where you live and your situation in life? Yeah. No, we're all going to have peaks and valleys at different fucking times. I wonder if that's something bad, not bad about me, but when I heard you're going to have a bad cycle, I immediately went to money. I wonder what that must say something. You know, listen, man, you have parents that are getting older.

Yeah. God forbid, God forbid, one of them has bad health. That's three years of bad health, knock on wood always. Things are going to happen in this life. All right. They hit you. Yeah. You have their initial shock and listen, I don't give a fuck how tough you are.

I don't give a fuck if you've been shot more than two pock. I don't give a fuck if you've never loved nothing and you've never been broken hearted. When you get bad news emotionally, it takes a couple of days to fucking recover for that bad news. And I'll tell you what, man, it's just, you could either pay me now or you could pay me later. I give you bad news. You're going home, you smoke a joint, you have a drink, whatever it takes you to digest

it. I don't care if you got a call on Monday and Tuesday and you don't go to work. You go to the gym, you break it down in your head, you deal with what's in front of you and then you have a plan to attack it. And that's what I've learned from this fucking life right now. I'm no better than fucking you a smarter than you. You're college educated. A thousand people listen to this, to the college educated.

They're all going to tell you, it doesn't take a psychic to tell you, you're going to have peace in the valleys. Listen, I hope your life is beautiful. I hope you never have any suffering or any pain in your life that, you know, I've had pain in my life. Have I suffered? I could tell you. I said, no, I didn't.

You know what suffering is? Being McCain, getting tortured in the cave and Donald Trump goofing on you. That's fucking suffered. All right. A bunch of Chinese people smell like soy sauce, living around, you're fucking smelling torture and you're telling your DD mile, you got to put a gun in your mouth. That's suffering. Okay.

You know, thinking about your family, somebody kidnapping your child, you know, that's fucking suffering. Okay. You know, what these kids live through when they get molested. That's fucking suffering. Me, my mom dying, who the fuck are you? I was always a piece of shit, but I adjusted and you adjust. You know, let's, let's get down to it when I went to prison.

That was no fucking big chink off my fucking armor. That was no big chink. I knew I was going to go to prison. I always knew it was in my cards. It was in my fucking cards. The divorce and the baby as a man, it emotionally fucked me up. It emotionally fucked me up in two ways. Emotionally fucked me up with my daughter and that love.

That love has to go somewhere and it fucked me up in the emotion of trust. I inflicted so much trust in this woman. Shame on me. Shame on me. Shame on me. Shame on me. For having that much trust. Shame on me.

Shame on me from the world that I came from to have that much trust in somebody that they were going to do the right thing. But I was addicted on cocaine. I didn't pay attention and I got what I fucking had coming to me, but it was never going to happen to me. I won't get fooled again. How long did you take to recover from it? And guess what?

And guess what? When I called in February and said, call me back and she called me back and spoke to me. I got tricked into it again. I was very nice to her. I apologized. That's the type of person I am, but I'm apologizing because of this podcast. I'm apologizing because I have responsibility to you guys and I talk about this shit.

This is the only reason why. Because if I didn't do this podcast and I was still an animal, I would have told her to suck my dick. But I got to work hard now because I got to preach this shit. I got to talk this shit with you motherfuckers. So I took a call and I was very polite to her and guess what she did again to me? She shit on my fucking face. So you live and you learn.

You have peaks and valleys in this life. Everybody. Everybody. Whether you're rich, poor, I don't care how fucking rich you are. Maybe God will give you $20 million, but you're going to have a one-inch dick. What would you rather have? A six-inch dick and be poor? Somebody's always going to suck your dick.

Nobody wants to suck a one-inch dick. I'll let you got $20 million in the fucking bank. That would suck. I have a one-inch dick. How long did it take you to recover? That's a pretty bad valley. How long did it take you? Listen, man, let's be honest to ourselves.

You never recover. Really? I think you just put dirt over it and fuck with it and then what happens is it stings less and less every month. But this went on with my ex-dort, my ex-1995, it's 2005, 20 years later. And yeah, I think about it from time to time and I get agitated, but I think about it four times a year where it ties a knot in my stomach and it beats me down for a few hours. Really?

Yeah. But I know how to pick myself up. I've been in darker places. Do you think the same goes for good things, like do you ever stop feeling good about the longest yard, for example, or does it just keep getting less and less? Because it seems to me that sometimes the good things fade a lot quicker than the bad things do, but maybe they don't, maybe they're just a little bit less. I can't lie to you.

I think about the good things, but I also keep some of the bad things in mind to keep me aware of how fast things can change in your life. Yeah. You know, I spoke to somebody at four in the afternoon and at three in the morning, they were dead. So I always want people to keep everything like that in mind. You have to keep that close, not too close. I don't want you walking around, well, my cat's going to die in eight years.

It's like people who think like that, you know, oh my God, my cat's eight. You know, they have left seven years, they're going to die in seven years, well we'll deal with it in seven fucking years, but right now all you can do is just grasp what's in front of you. Right. You know? But I'm happy I called that dude, I'm happy I thanked him. What did he say?

Did he? He was really happy. In fact, he emailed me on my website, so that means he checked me out after I called him. Oh wow. And he said it was really nice to talk to him. I remember my mind, what was weird was that his son was involved in a college film program now.

And he goes, that's amazing that he's doing that, so I wish you all the luck. He goes, the phone call meant a lot, sure it did, sure it did, because the work you put into it, I never forgot, you know, I never fucking forgot. And what did he, like, what was his, was it the violence plan that he did that saved your life? What did, what did he do that saved it? When we take what he did, honestly as a man, he fought for me, something that very few people have ever done.

He fought for me as a white dude, which white people like that never fight for you. They always think of what they have to lose before they fight for you. You know, those are the type of people that when you go up to him and say, hey man, I said this and I got fired, they'll say okay, and they turn their back on you, because they can't, God forbid they lose their job. Right, yeah. He didn't look at it that way. That's what I'm trying to say, he didn't care about his other clients.

He didn't like this district attorney he went up against, I forget what the district attorney's name was. I mean I bumped into him, I bumped into him into a supermarket, and he was also a super gentile. But he broke down my life to me in a way that I had never heard before, and the man wasn't lying. He said, you've been chucking and jiving all your life, it's time you pay the piper. And I looked at him with a black, you know, with a fucking Malukai, I wanted him to get

hit by a truck. The Malukai. I wanted him to get hit by a truck, but that's that saying, hit home, that I was chucking and jiving. And people do it all the time. People chucking and jiving their life away, whether it's from comedy, how many comedians you know that you look at, they don't write, and they do it for pussy, and you look at them and you're like, oh you're 28, but then you see them 10 years later, now they're

48, and they're still chucking and jiving, and they really haven't gotten over. They've chucked and jived themselves into a circle. I was chucking my jive, I was chucking and jiving myself into a circle. I was gonna be in the same fucking circle. You know I was never gonna move forward, because I was a chucking and jive, you know. Just give me the 20 now, we'll take care of it. There was always a chucking jive. It's a lot easier than making your own money or working harder.

Yeah, it's a lot easier, but I'm happy I called him. That's really cool. It's funny, I talked to a friend of mine yesterday, who's down at Jersey Shore, and I said, have you talked to my other buddy, and he goes, no, I go call him, because he's down there. I spoke to him a week or two ago, and he told me the dates, and I'm really good with dates. He's down there. He goes, no, he's not. He works all the time.

He's down there, and he's got his daughter, and you got your daughter, and they get along. So then he calls me, and he goes, from 2,000 miles away, you put us together. That's fucking brilliant, because I talked to them, both of them. And I talked to these guys primarily, because the one guy turned me on to David Leto. Really? I used to go to his house late night, and he'd feed me at night. We talk about comedy, we do a couple of blasts, and then I talked to him all the time. We giggle about everything, you know.

He's a serious dude, but I get him giggling, he doesn't have any kids. He's not married. He's still a stoner. And the other guy's a married guy, you know, fucking solid, don't do drugs. He's mercy's godfather. Oh, I met him, right? James, yeah, James, and so they bumped in. But I talked to James, because, oh my god, there were so many times I used to go home

to do comedy at Rascals. I was getting 300 for the weekend, and James would put me up two of the nights. I never wanted James to feel that he'd put me up those two nights, and I didn't do nothing with him. That's the most important thing to me. I always want anybody who put themselves out for me to know that they put themselves out for me, man, but I gave it 150 fucking percent. Are you making your way through like a list, or it just comes to you somebody like, oh,

this person? Sometimes I have a list. I don't have a list. I'm not like my name is Earl. I don't have a list, but I do have... I forgot about that. Yeah, that's a great fucking show. I do have...

The first day I showed up to the show, I wore a pot shirt. Really? You had a pot shirt? I had a pot shirt. There was a pot store on Sunset that had a great shirt. It was like a shirt with a leaf and a heart on it, and it was tan, and it was short sleeve, and it was fucking just comfortable. The cotton was great, and I put it on one time in a fucking bind, and it was just a

great shirt. The first day I ever shot, my name is Earl. I was like, fuck, I'll put this shirt on and go down there. And oh my god, people came out of the woodwork and they were like, hey man, they've all given me high fives. Really? Everybody was astoned around that show. So...

I can see that. What are we talking about? All lists. Yeah. It's not as much as a list as a personal. I know who really was my friend all those years, and it breaks my heart. It would have broken my heart if I would have ended up in jail. When I went to prison, I know James was just, you know, Joe Rogan always asked me, you know,

I go, the last thing I wanted was somebody coming up to Joe Rogan and saying, you see, we were right, he's nothing but a junkie, and Joe wouldn't have had a leg to argue with. Joe would have never had a leg to argue with. I'm so happy I don't do drugs because I didn't embarrass Joe, and I didn't embarrass my wife. I never wanted somebody to go up to Jones and say, see, see, we told you he was nothing but a fucking junkie. We told you, you know, that's always been big in my life, proving people wrong, and

then repaying the people that had my back during that whole thing, you know. That kid that I told you that I called, and he's single, Mike, when I first got accused of robbing the Liggy House, I called Mike up like a man, and he goes, tell me the truth that you're robbing. And I go, no, not at all. And he goes, all right, cool. Well, I'll take care of this. You know, I called the captain of the police that time.

I had grown up in my house. I had grown up in his house. I used to go eat chili, his chili, with his kid all the time. When I first got accused of robbing Liggy, I called him up and said, this is what's going on. I've robbed a lot of places. I'm not telling you I'm an innocent, they hear. What I'm telling you is I didn't rob that place, and because I made that call, they

fucking believed me. Really? Because I looked you in the eye and go, listen, I've done a lot of bad things. A lot. We'll take a walk if you want later. But that thing they were accusing me of, I had nothing to do with that. It would have been easy for them to not believe you, too. Have you ever had anybody who you've apologized to not want to talk to you?

Oh, yeah. Really? Oh, fuck, yeah. There's a kid who came out here recently. What I say recently was about three years ago, Facebook was already kicking maybe four years ago, because he contacted me on Facebook, he said he was going to be in town, he wrote his number down, and then we spoke, and he was the guy that accused me of robbing him at a party one night.

Now he's a rich guy, but he still does drugs, he's got a wife, he's got a mistress out here, that's why he comes out here, Russian mistress. Jesus. And he called me up and he goes, I'm coming to the improv. I'll see you tomorrow night. And I went down that night, and you know, sometimes I go down early, and you know, I get down at a park, I walk in, maybe you're sitting down, I walk in, I get on stage, if I get on stage and I don't see somebody immediately that I know, I walk the fuck out and go to

my car. You know that. And then as I'm going up Laurel Cain, I'm like, oh my fuck, Paul and Lee were there. I swear to God, it happens all the time, because I'm in my mind from my set, what I'm saying, I'm thinking about tomorrow, thank God I got over with this set. You just want to get home? You just want to get home. And I remember on the way home, I said, Jesus, I didn't fucking see him.

And I went home, I went to see him the next day, I woke up and sure enough on Facebook, he sent me a message, he goes, I thought about going to see you, and then I thought about what you did to me, and I didn't want to be around you, fuck you or something like that. Man, did I get mad? Fuck no, I lived without him for 30 years when I give a fuck now, but I didn't rob him either. Oh you didn't?

No, that was at a party, I had left, it was like a week later somebody came to me and said, you know, he's accusing you of robbing an eight ball, he lost an eight ball that night, and I'm like, I didn't rob his eight ball, it was like a month later we were at a bar and we were talking about football, and he picked a fight with me. He would have killed me, he was a strong fucking guy, he would have beat the fuck out of me, and then I didn't see him again after that, I didn't see him for 15 years, 10 years, 12 years out of high school, and then I went to the hospital, my friend had a kid, and when I went to the hospital he was there with somebody else, and we kind of talked, and

I remember he wanted to talk to me, but in the middle he remembered, he's like, okay I gotta go, and I was like, alright fuck him, and then my friend said, what happened? I go, dog, he's still mad from 1980. Jesus. And then I saw him at a, he hit me up on Facebook that night, and when he hit me up on Facebook I was really weird that he had hit me up, but. When you first started podcasting, were you worried about talking about all this stuff? Cause it seems like a, you're a bad reputation could follow you, and you're being extremely

open about it, so like sometimes I'll think about something I don't want to do. What if I didn't talk about it, and these guys would have called in one day. What if I didn't talk about it, and one day somebody would have went on Twitter and said, why you guys are laughing at his jokes, this guy robbed my house, or why you guys fucking are laughing at his joke, this guy hit me in the head, or robbed my fucking drugs, what would you guys do then? What the fuck would you do then? I came to a point where I had forgotten all about this, half the pain I had was the shit

I did, half of it was all rolled up in the embarrassment I had, and the fucking, and meanwhile I'm going up on stage every night, I had forgotten about that lifestyle, and just about the time after the longest yard was when I dept back into this, and I started writing the blog, and I wrote from the beginning, cause that's what it hit me, I go, I gotta put this shit out there, and I would tell different people different stories, I never say hid anything, I didn't go out there and boast it, because I know some people cannot deal with an ex-felon, and I don't even look at it that way, but I knew like my friends knew, Rogan knew, Ari knew, Duncan knew, couple people fucking knew, I'm not gonna take it

from them, they knew I was a druggy, you know, it all adds up, and then you're on the road with people, and people open up to you late night, hey man, there was a kid in my neighborhood that we lit on fire one time, no shit, there was a kid in my neighborhood, and then people go fucking, these stories are gold, and I'd be embarrassed, you don't think I was embarrassed telling these stories, people come to me, you know, I remember sitting down with George, in like 92, in Boulder, we were talking one day, no, it was when we lived with me in Colorado in 87, and he goes, after you left, I bumped into friends of yours, they told me some shit that was disappointing, and I go, what they say, let's get it over with, and I told them,

like, this is interesting shit, so I always knew there was something behind this, what do I have to hide, can you imagine if you lived your life and not said none of this shit, if I wouldn't have told you my mom's had done drugs, and if I didn't tell you, how can you live your life hiding this, you'll never make it, you'll never make it, how can I live my life telling your story in this half a fucking lie, I would never make it, oh I didn't kidnap the guy, I was just in the room looking around the window, I'm not that type of person, you said, how would you fucking take it, so in my mind, I got it out there before you heard something mind your own, that wasn't true or something stupid, right, get out ahead

of it, why the fuck, what do you want me to tell you, that when I robbed that Jewish store, I didn't want to be there, do you want me to tell you that I have to drug deal, drug deal, drug deal as I robbed, I robbed because I was addicted to coke, I was addicted to coke, when I woke up I woke up sober, I woke up sober, well I mean, there's that but there's also, and I've started thinking about it a lot, it's getting to be that there's a hack topic for podcasts, there's topics that you bring up on podcasts that are kind of like hacky now, and you could have just done like a sex podcast or just goofing around, oh what is your process, what comedy clubs do you like, there's podcasts out there that are

like that and that are pretty popular, so you could have had a successful podcast probably, what, getting somebody in here and having him lie to me and me lie to him, that's successful, no it wouldn't be like this, it wouldn't be like this, I'm just saying, and then I'm at the comedy club going look at this fucking guy on stage, right, he's a fucking scumbag, when I first thought about the idea of podcasting, and I first saw what Rogan was doing, I thought it was pretty fucking interesting, but again, I knew that it wouldn't last if you just went on there and did radio type shit, so what's the new joke you're talking about, well I'm talking about fucking zebras, you know, I took my zebra to the fucking, get the fuck out of here, where

my, where my, where my melodies purchases, all right, and I thought about all that stuff, you know, I just, when I got into the podcasting, I wanted to tell my story from the beginning, I'm Beauty and the Beast, from the early beginning in New York City, just what I remember, just at that time I was doing a lot of writing, I was just finding out, maybe I should write a one-man show, and I was just doing little fucking thoughts here and then I said let me start writing a blog, and every Monday I wrote a different chapter of my life, but I wrote it in order, you know, when I was eight, this happened when I was ten, this happened when I was 13, this happened when I was 15, and listen, I'm ashamed about a lot of the stuff I did, listen, I robbed seven or eight

houses that I should have never robbed. Why, I mean, oh, you shouldn't rob any house, you think, like why the seven or eight? Well, there was like seven or eight houses that I got into that I should have never been into, let's just say that. Okay. Do I feel guilty today? Very guilty, I would lie to you if I said fuck them, I don't give a fuck about them, no, no, it's not my nature, that would be fucking terrible, but there's a lot of things I did that, yes, I feel fucking horrible a lot, I think I've discussed them on here, things that I remember, you know, a couple homes that I robbed, that I knew the people indirectly, and I was mad at them for things that had happened, and instead of confronting them, my way of getting back at them was to rob them, you know, is everything

alright, I got to cook you shit. No, I'm just high as fuck, when you almost be like a sociopath if you didn't feel bad for some of them. You know, there were some people that I turned out their lights, but they should have never gotten involved in drugs, you know, things happened to people for a reason, every movement, every fucking movement sometimes, you know, what I got from it, they took something from it, okay, there was this dude I clipped, this guy was a scumbag, he was a fucking harmless fucking weasel North Bergen, and he thought he was cute, and that was the time everybody thought they were cute, cocaine dealers, everybody was cute and cracking jokes, and one night he got even cuter with me, and I knew he was associated with these

dudes, but I knew these dudes weren't going to cover, not at that time, I was hanging out with this kid, Darren Rago, I was hanging out with six or seven kids, Mike Runny, that if we fucking went to war with you, you were going to fucking feel it, and I wasn't a tough guy, not by no means, but Mike Runny would live and die for me, that was my brother growing up, you know, and Darren, Darren, you know, you just give him a coke, rock and watch that motherfucker go, you know, there was a Joey Filato, there was, you know, Roger Holloway was crazy in those days, you had people that when it was time to get down, they'd be bottles flying, you know, Roger Holloway wasn't a tough dude, but he'd fight you until your fucking head fell off or

something, you know, Roger Holloway was sticking out all fucking night with you, I wasn't a tough guy, but I knew that when I robbed him, it was going to be a repercussion, but the dude knew because of my friends, I knew they weren't going to attack me, and I remember for years, I mean, I robbed this guy the summer of 82, I bumped into him in 85 at a bar and he was like, man, after you robbed me, my whole world turned around, until the end, I kept saying, dog, go away from me, I did not fucking rob you, because he blamed that I'm one of my friends, and then eventually he found out it was me, he blamed that I'm one of my friends, but he never really fucking knew, so I committed to know the whole time, even till today, I tell him, what are you talking about, I tell you the truth, because

we're giggling here, why didn't you rob people like 20, 30 minutes away, like it seems like it's it'd be dangerous to rob people in your neighborhood? Well, I wasn't robbing people in my neighborhood, I was robbing drug dealers, I do secondhand, like I bump into you, you live in Sherman Oaks, and you go, oh my god, you want to do a blast, yeah, when you get this, I got this new fucking dude in Sherman Oaks, little Chinese dude, let's go over there, and as soon as we went to his place, yeah, I went there to buy coke, but I went there to check everything out, some places I just want to check out just to run my mind, just to see if I could break in there, in my mind, how can I get into this guy's house, there was a lot of places I couldn't get into,

but there was a lot of places I could get into, and we just play them, you just play drug dealers, you know, you just went over there, bought coke from them and see when they slipped up, some of them don't slip up, some of them do slip up, some of them will hide coke, it's really fucking weird once you get to know these fucking savages. Will there ever be like an undercover cop who would try to bait thieves and like be sloppy on purpose? Before I left Jersey, there was an undercover cop that was going out at night and getting high with people, oh so he said he was an undercover cop, this was, he said he was an undercover cop? This was, this started in December of 82, and I left in April of 83,

so in December of 82, this guy started coming around Joan Mary's in January, at that time it was our fucking sad, depressing state in my life, I was living with Fernie in a basement, in a ping-pong pool, one of those mattresses that just opens up with wheels on it, we shared a fucking bathroom, I was just, I was running numbers in the city for a hundred a day, I was smoking pot, I was heartbroken, I had robbed that jewelry store and I was walking around heartbroken, I didn't know what the fuck to do, what were we talking about? Uh, undercover cop. And there was a cop, this guy said he would go, he would come to Joan Mary's, the bar we hung out, and then at three, we would always go somewhere looking to do blow, we would go to his place, and this was

the creepiest thing, he lived in like Fort Lee and like a money building, so you'd get to his floor which was like, I'm just exaggerating here or just telling you a number, okay, not exaggerating, but just throwing a number out there, it was like the 15th floor, okay, and we got to the 15th floor, he had a doorman, we parked, like three cars were parked outside, and he was like a bigger guy with like sideburns and a mustache, and he was, I don't know, that's why I don't remember whether it was black or Jamaican, he was one of those fucking darker skin dudes, and we would, we'd go upstairs, and when he put his key in to the door, he looked to the opposite door in his hallway, like we have here, and he'd knock on the glass and say, Mike, it's all right

if I go to bed, it's all right if you go to bed, it was the weirdest fucking thing, like he had somebody watching his door all night, so if you, and dog, he would knock on that door at four in the morning and go, Mike, I'm home, it's all right if you go to bed, then he would open up his door you went into his house, and he had like a balcony where you looked into New York City, and you could smoke out there, cigarettes a pot, and you'd sit in his living room, and it would be like maybe eight of us from John Marry's, and we would invite people over there, I think I went over there two or three times, but it was really fucking weird, it was one of the weirdest things I had ever seen, I had never seen, at that point I was doing coke with my friends,

and I was going to bars in New York, but not like people think, and it wasn't those things where you see on TV five people giggling with a bottle of champagne and we were doing coke, that was like a small neighborhood bar, something like that, like no, we would go to bars, those clubs in the city, I don't even remember, there was one that was three floors, that was short lived in our lives, because it was 60, 70 bucks, you know what, we had the same amount of fun in our bar for 10 bucks. Right, you know, what we're talking about here, under cover cut, under cover cut, we went to this guy's house, he would do a couple of lines with you, we'd do a couple lines with what we had, and then he'd go hold on, and he'd go into his bedroom, and he'd come out with like a fucking

bag, and he'd lay out a ton of lines, and then he'd go in his bedroom, and he'd come out with this jewelry, and he'd show us all his weird jewelry, and you know me, dog, you know me, that was my fucking world. Yeah, this guy's being too open. But something wasn't right, even at that age, even at the fucking creepy thief that I was then, something wasn't right, like I just met you on the bar, and you're bringing me to your house, and then this didn't pass, I remember it was the winter months, it was really cold, and then we went back up there another Friday, and I went up there to scope it out again, I'm like, I don't know, I have to get through the door guy, I gotta get knock on the mic's door, I gotta open up this door, and in those days I could open up any door.

All I had to do was look at your lock, and memorize it, and go home, and you find the time when you were at home, and I had a mold, and I would go to a guy, and he got the mold, really? The guy wanted five grand, the twenty five hundred, I didn't have that type of fucking money in those days, I was barely walking around, I was barely fucking walking around, so all I had to do, and then I started being like a cowboy, and breaking your window, or going through your bathroom window, or, you know, kicking the door down. Yeah, doing stupid shit, that's third grade shit, you know, but yeah. So it felt too good to be true? Yeah, when this cop came up to me, so I didn't know he was a cop too, like that summer, or a year later, when I was in

Colorado, somebody said, remember that guy, he was a fucking cop, and I was like, I knew there was something about that guy, it was too easy, it was too fucking easy, you know, usually drug dealers have some type of resistance, this guy was showing me everything he had on the first fucking date, doesn't happen, doesn't fucking happen. Jesus. Let me give some shout outs. Go for it buddy, shout out to Anarch Edibles. Yeah, you like those fucking stars of death. It's funny, man, we do a lot of edibles on this show, and we get great fucking edibles, like we're very lucky, those little black things we've been eating. Yeah, I don't even know what those are called. Do you think those are the 20 bucks a piece? Yeah, that's a lot. Those are

fucking 20 bucks. I mean, the Cheeba Chews are 22 a piece, but people at home are taking that, we're out here jumping up and down, and you're going to have a Cheeba Chew party, 25 a piece, 22, 17 for the things, you know, thank God they sponsor us and they help us out and send us a box of Cheeba Chew and Carova and Anarch Edibles, you know, they know that we're fucking anti-dolarist, they know we really take candy and we really eat your fucking edibles, and we talk about them, man, that Carova popcorn was delicious, where is it? It's in my bag, I have it here. Oh, sure, we should eat some. Okay. You're in the mood to eat some Carova. I'm high as fuck already, but you fuck it. It's episode 302, why not? Don Wrangle, I love you, Frank Nielsen, Alex Poole, Abalonia,

Rockefeller, Matt Segar, Brandy Lee, you know, I love you, I'll see you in Minneapolis, David Repreza, and Sarah Hunt, I love you, motherfuckers. What are you looking at? Wish your name on that Ashley Madison list, cocksucker. Thank God, no. That is the dumbest thing ever. They've been around forever. How many names is that true, 37 million? Well, I mean, that's what they're saying, who knows if they're fake accounts or whatever, but I never trusted anything, like, if you're gonna cheat, why would there be like a... I always thought that the people who signed up for that are the same people that probably signed up for like, grow muscles in seven days. Yeah. Like, they look at that and go, okay, I'm gonna sign up and pick up some hot married chicken, you know, that's fucking

ridiculous. I wouldn't even, I wouldn't even look, there's a lot of times, like, I have U-Porn and YouTube, right, and I'll go U, and all you gotta do is press Y-O, and both of them come up, and I'm high, and I'll click onto U-Porn, and that's the first ad. It's Ashley Madison, I'll take that kiss of debt off, because, let me explain something to you, you don't want to be on that website, that website's not about fucking bad luck. No. It's people trying to defraud other people. That's all that is, that's fucking legal defraudment. I knew somewhere along the line it was gonna fall apart, and if your name was on that list, fucking shame on you, you dumb motherfucker. Yeah. I hope you're fucking, they throw you out on your ass for being stupid. Cheating is one thing that I never, I only

got cheated on once, and it wasn't even really that bad, because it wasn't even really a girlfriend for that long, but it's like, I don't know how, it must be tough, or you would think it would be tough, kind of what we were talking about at the beginning of the show, being like, you worry about it, like, Paula knows the code to my phone, I'll be on, I'll be driving, and I'll be like, hey, answer this text for me, or look this up. Like, if I had to worry full time about someone touching my phone, I'd be like, it's a terrible way to live, just break up with the person. I wish I could have 15 women, but I ain't got time for none of them. I don't have time for myself. Well, no, it's not that I don't think about other women, it's just,

no, we all in the human world, men, you have to think about the fucking women, and, you know, you see other women, they're beautiful, you see them walking, this morning I went to the fucking wheat store, I got to finish with Josh Groot, there was a girl there, it was just beautiful, I didn't say nothing to her, I don't talk to women, I'm scared, but it was very nice to look at her, and she wasn't like fake beautiful, she was very just American beautiful, like white Texas beautiful, it was great to look at, you know, I know my limitations, there's nothing I got for her, I can't change her world. Have you heard from that lady in the 7-Eleven parking lot recently, that crazy lady? That's where we saw her, where? The black chick, yeah, we saw her at Rita's last

Friday, me, no, Steve Simone, and the Augustino, met at Rita's last Friday night, like gentlemen, just to get a little fucking, whatever, tell you nice, and I went and got the light yogurt, and I'm sitting out there, it's a beautiful fucking summer night, and the car pulls up, and it sees two beautiful black chicks, I mean bumping, they were ghetto, but they were bumping, like they moved up, they did their toes, they took that fucking sand off their feet, that fucking leather they got on their feet, sometimes they shaved that shit off, they had nice fucking sandals on, they had cream on their legs, they were beautiful, two young girls, they had like 26, 27, they were listening to soul music, they were very nice to look at, and while they went in,

I thought about the hooker, right, and I'm sitting there, they both leave, and 20 minutes goes by, and a new jeep pulls up, and guess who comes walking out? She got a new jeep? She got a new jeep, the hooker, and she walked in, got an ice cream, I said hello to her, she was just coming from the pool, and she walked out, she got that pool off, and I like the skirt they put over themselves, right, and they walked out, and then she came over, she said hello, and how was I, if I still had the same number, I told her no, I changed the email me, and that was it, she said she was working on a podcast, yes, listen, it was one of the craziest things, and you saw it, you saw, listen man, I can't, I can't, it's craziness, it's hysterical,

that she talked to me as a comedian, and there's a lot of, she just approached you in 7-11, and then you saw it, you saw it, I was in the car, it was crazy, and it's like she ended up being a hooker, I mean I was like what I was gonna take to get rid of you, why are you calling my house that night, because you told me you were a comedian, she says I'm at the haha, I saw you at the haha, you were great, I'm trying to get into comedy, yeah she didn't say she was a hooker right away, no, they never tell you, has she even told you, has she ever, no I busted her, no I busted her out remember, I told you a story that I'm like what the fuck, I need 500 for my organ, what fucking organ are you talking about, you know, what fucking organ are you talking about,

I thought you were a comedian, you said you were at the haha one night, I thought you were there for the fucking open mic, so I went there again, I saw her at the haha, Di Agostino was right there, he saw the, Di Agostino sent something to me, oh that's so funny, he goes that's the chick that used to go to the haha, and I told Di Agostino straight, remember you introduced her to me, she's a fucking hooker, she's a fucking hooker, you met a hooker at the haha, yeah you were there and you let me fucking, you let me get trapped, thankfully nothing happened, you fucking think I thought she was a fucking hooker Lee, I didn't know she was a hooker, that night, oh okay Jesus, she started talking to you, we were all talking, she had a bandage on her head, I was stupid,

but hold on, were we all not talking together like nothing happened, did she smoke with us, I think so, I think yeah, it wasn't, oh sick you guys had cigarettes yeah, and I didn't say nothing yeah, she was a hooker until you came back and you know like she wanted 80 bucks, I don't even know how much he said, that's what we live people, that anybody could be a fucking hooker here, happened in Vegas too, I saw that for the first time, last time I was there, like just regular girls walking around, and it was when I went with you, I was in the MGM, and these two girls were like, if you want to party with me and my sister, our time is in free or something, and these two guys were hammer drunk and they were talking about, I was like oh, I'd never been like approached

like that, and I know it happens in Vegas, yeah, but in Vegas is the the the fucking whatever, not north hollywood on Lancashirm at 11 o'clock at night, you know, I met that girl, I met that black girl at the heart, then I went to the heart three weeks later, she was there again on a Wednesday night, like 11 o'clock at night, and we started talking outside, and she's like how do you write, and she goes do you mind if I take your number down, I always have these writing things, I gave it a number, I didn't even know her fucking name, I just gave it a number, I'm embarrassed. Oh no, I didn't say you were gonna try to have sex with her, I didn't know at all, I gave her a number, then like three weeks later she called, hey what are you doing, she's like you know I'm a DJ, right,

I'm like yeah, the first time she called me, she wanted to borrow $200, you know call me the first relationship, whether you're my friend, a fucking comic, and say you need $200 for a Christmas suit, and I was like no, I'm, why would I want to do that, I don't even know you, I said well I thought you could just help out a fellow artist, I don't even fucking know you, number two, and I'm not going out, it was like December, it was like oh something was going on in my life, I don't care if it's 80 degrees, I'm not giving $200 to somebody, and then she called me like, do you remember some chick called you when I wanted $100, remember something, who was it, who called you looking for $100, and you called me, oh yeah, yeah, if I don't they're fucking crazy, forgot about that,

you know me Lee, if I got it in my pocket, it's fucking yours, but I don't know you, you just, I gave you my number because you said you were a comedian, anyway who gives a fuck about this fucking hook, as long as you're aware that the hook is out there, she might be going to the house under false pretenses, I'm just letting you people know right now, I hate fucking talking about this on the podcast, but I gotta talk about this, I'm not, listen there's a list of things my wife gives money to, charities, yeah, I'm not, I'm proud that my wife does this, I don't know if she does it because it's tax-aductible, whatever the fuck it may be, you know, I don't believe in a lot of charities, one got busted yesterday, they were only giving

a six percent to what she was giving, oh they have it all the time, and I have my faults whatever, but fucking, there's been this story in the news for the last three fucking years or so, my little boy who got tortured by his parents, beat up and then the child, the state came and they inspected it, and since then four people got fired, but the head case workers appealing her job, and I'm watching this going, what, and it's right up here somewhere, 30 minutes from here, one of these fucking fucked up neighbors, I don't know where the fuck around here, some, I don't know, I don't want to put nobody somewhere, and some fucking where up here, and they just did horrible things to this kid, and they arrested the mother and the boyfriend for,

a dangerous, a dangerous murder, first degree murder, and then, oh did they kill him? They're going for the electric chair, they're going, oh he died dog, and this morning I'm minding my own fucking business, I got up early, I'm talking to my wife, we're giggling about the baby the night before, and I go, all right let me get on the computer, and I get on the computer, and right fucking there, and Google, whatever that page is, Yahoo, whatever opens up, is what's going on with this kid, our advocacy groups, so I click onto it, because it's been an interesting story for me, how the state went over there, inspected this home, and they let the kids stay, and now all these reports are coming out like fucking there, under fire Jack, and they

discussed how they had gone over, and I read it, and then I clicked the video, but I didn't have the volume on, I had the earphones in there, so I didn't have the volume on, before I put the volume on, it said the disturbing images, and they showed that the kid was getting fucking abused, in fact the kid made a mother's day, he was eight years old, he made a mother's day card, with him with M-O-M, and he had a black eye, from his fucking mom, and you can see he had little scars, and when he died, they did the autopsy, that's the video I saw, they were shooting them with BB guns, they were, they just did things that, you can't even imagine the mother was in the room, I mean they, I couldn't imagine, and he, you know, he wrote, he wanted to kill himself for a social

worker a few times, and that's why- What the fuck did this social worker do? Oh Jesus fucking Christ, so what they did was, these women got together, an advocacy group, and it's something, save Gabriel Fernandez, you know, and uh, I mean they, their cigarette burns, and it was just a fucking horror show, and you sit there for a minute, you gotta go hug your kid, I hugged the cat, and you go, what type of, where's the mother? Where's the fucking mother? You know, I can see if there's somebody's kid, and you're fucking demented, where's the mother? The mother was in the room, burning the kid along with him, so I restarted Felipe's bars, and I think I'm gonna do a benefit for this advocacy group, I hit them- Oh, for like child abuse,

or whatever? Yeah, that's nice. The one that's in charge of, his name is Gabriel Fernandez, and the story has killed me, and I followed it, because I'm like, how can this happen? Like, so what did, you not see this kid's got scars on his head, and I mean it was just horrible, I didn't want to talk about it, I mean I was broken up this morning, because that's, that's the first thing, that's why I don't fucking look at the news, that's why I don't fucking want to watch the news in the fucking morning, sometimes it's on and you hear shit, but uh, I called Felipe, and I left him a message, and I called the group, and I sent an email, and I looked them up, the advocacy group, these women are flying themselves in,

you know, so I like to go to a place in LA, somewhere, and do a fucking benefit for this poor little fucking kid, man. This is just the, I'm telling you, it's just mind boggling. I didn't know he passed away, but there's a lot, because there's stories like that, it seems like every couple months on CNN, parents fighting kids, feel like they're fighting kids in cages, and it's like, whenever I read them, I'm just thankful that I had like decent parents. If anybody should have been putting a cage on their kid, you're staring at him. I mean, I was a fucking animal, so I was about seven or eight, my mom didn't put me in a cage, I wouldn't have been mad, I would have told that story right now,

I was such an animal, my mother put me in a cage through bottles at me, and shit like that, you know what I'm saying, shots, pit balls at me, like the blues brothers just didn't bottle that. I don't know what the fuck that was Lisa, yeah. So what do you got planned for the weekend? What do I got planned for the weekend? Um, I don't know, I saw, but I, he called me off guard, I was gonna tell, I saw Amy Schumer's new movie. Okay, what'd you think? It was actually pretty good, I was high as fuck, but it was actually pretty good. Did you laugh? Yeah, yeah, I laughed a bunch of times, she's pretty, I haven't really watched her show, but that movie was pretty good. I met her once or twice, you know, one time she was with a boyfriend, I don't say much, it's her

year, you know, you should call her and see what the fuck an astronomy said in 2015. I wish. Nobody, Lee, look, I just wish Amy Schumer continued success. She's fucking doing it. You know, she replaced Louis CK right now, they're saying. You think so? Or she's the female Louis CK, whatever the fuck they're saying, you know. That's very cool. And then I've known, I know you hate it, but I've been watching some parks and rec a little bit. Okay. Do you think there's like some people who are, or say they're comedians or do comedy, but are just meant to be something like are better actors? Like, Aziz, I'm sorry, I don't know, I haven't really watched his stand-up, but on that show, he's pretty funny. Right? That's they say, he's great on the show. Like,

do you ever think about like, what do you think you're the best at? Comedy stand-up or, I mean, stand-up podcasting or acting? I don't know, Lee, what's with the fuck? What is this? Inside the Actors Studio? I don't fucking know. I just know that I could do all three of them. And I'm very happy. I'm very happy. I'm not eligible, but I could do them. I'm happy that I could, if you give me the call today and I get on the sitcom, I could do it. They write lines for you and you know how to say your lines. You really know the fucking character. Very interesting. About a week ago, I was having lunch and somebody asked me what one of my favorite TV shows. And I said, you know, I grew up on this, I grew up on that, I grew up on this. And I said, but if you really

think about it, comedically, comedically as a set and a combo, like on an entree, what do they call it? An ensemble. Right. One of the greatest stand-up comedy shows, one of the greatest shows I've ever seen, where people really work together and people are going to disagree with me. Everybody's going, Joey's going to throw a Seinfeld out. Seinfeld was very good for what it was. Let me give you some backstory. There was a show called News Radio. Have you ever watched News Radio? How do you have it from the beginning? I watched up until like the last season. Okay. Well, once he died, right, it was pretty hard. But when he was on it, like season three, that was one of the funniest fucking sitcoms I've ever seen in my life. Andy Dick, the fucking boss, and Phil Harmon were

hilarious. The writing was great. You know, and there's a, there's a, I read something about a year and a half ago. I never discussed with Joey. I always forget it's like fucking minute. And that's a guy that left a NBC. He wasn't disgruntled when he said he left, but he was in charge of marketing. And he said that NBC purposely didn't want other shows to grow, to be bigger than Seinfeld. Like they always wanted Seinfeld. I mean, I don't know if it's true or not, whatever. But NBC changed News Radio's format around like four nights. Four times. They got their times changed. No show goes through that. No show could survive that. They survived a few seasons or four, five seasons? Yeah, they went five seasons. After he died, they went to syndication just to get to 100 episodes. But

there's one episode. Oh my god, there was like three or four episodes. I see there was a show for a while that had him on the morning. I was watching him. I would fucking die howling. Listen, everybody has a different taste. I'm Zanzari. I don't know if he did stand up. I don't, you know, I don't know. I'm too old. I wasn't there. I wasn't in New York, you know, uh, Rhett Redder. I know Redder's been around. She's been on, she's very funny on the show. You know, I don't know. I never watched those type of shows. But I was thinking about it because we were speaking, you asked me about Dane Cook, the last podcast, I'm pretty sure. It was the last podcast of the podcast before. We're talking about how people become nostalgic with comedians that they grab onto for a certain time period.

We're not going to, you know, well, no, not nostalgic, but just, I was thinking about just Dane Cook in general, because he gets a lot of hate comedically, but then granted his movies aren't Oscar Academy Award winners, but I've always enjoyed watching him in movies. So it's just interesting to me, the people who are in comedy, but seem to be more actor, like better actors, it just seemed like, why try the standup comedy thing? Well, sometimes you get picked up as an actor. We were talking about this the other day, Saturday Night Live guys that do sketch comedy, and I'm not insulting nobody. I'm just telling you how the fuck it is. I'm not insulting nobody. I'm just telling you that when you're sketch comedy,

you're doing a sketch with six other guys on stage. The people that go see that, the people that are involved in that, they all come from that same cut where they're very supportive and they giggle and everything was fantastic and it was fabulous. And that's what they do. It becomes a scene. Okay, stand up. Sometimes it's a scene, but sometimes it's a dirty fucking room. And you're out there banging it out for your life. And Tom Papa is clean as he is. He's done those rooms, and he's done great. You know, a lot of comics that are clean and done those rooms. But my point is it's a different cut. Okay, when you get out there and you're alone, even if there's a room that you're allowed to smoke in, comedy changes. A lot of people don't go see comedy that smoke,

because they don't want to get up and down. Ah, you understand what happens? We lose a lot of people. There's people that want to sit down and laugh and want to smoke. That's why I told you when I shoot my special, I want people to be able to smoke. I want to go back into people's living rooms. Do you understand what this is coming from? Yeah, it's really cool. Comedy to me. In my mind, why, when you come up to me and say, Joey, you're funny, I think you're a fucking asshole, because I didn't go to college to be this. You're a fucking moron if you think I'm funny. You're an asshole, because Joey, that's the funniest thing I've ever heard that was so. When somebody comes up to me and says, my comedy is brilliant. First thing I think about is outside

of hashways, when I used to take my nutsack out and do 10 minutes with my nutsack out. 10 minutes? Like, whatever, on the corner, talking about a principal, the teacher, or some chicken high school that had a twisted eye, or whatever the fuck I was talking about. Okay, so it was something I got good at. It's like, see, he goes, boy, he's a great pool player. He's a fucking loser. He got good hanging out in the fucking pool rooms, drinking beer, smoking cigarettes, and doing drugs. He got good at shooting the fucking pool. That's how I feel. There's no talent for this. The talent is, I don't fucking know what the talent is. Well, I mean, just because it comes naturally, it doesn't mean it's not a talent.

But still, it's not like I went to college to be funny. So what? I took an eight-year fucking degree. Look at Paul and Bruce Drew. Look what I go through. Yeah, but that lawyer who moved to Hawaii or whatever went to law school and ended up sucking. College doesn't matter. Actually, my college is doing a fucking stand-up comedy I don't know if it's a fucking degree. They're definitely at least having a class. Well, the intro, the stand-up comedy and see what the quirks are and the shit like that. But I've been for, listen, when people come up to me, they go, hey, man, how many years ago, just as I was getting off blow, like January of 2008 or 2007,

I had been like clean, like 60-something days, you know? And I didn't say nothing about it. I was just counting the days in my head, you know? And I met a hotel in San Francisco with Rogan, Dhari, and Duncan, and Red Band, and Eddie, and I walk outside, and I'm outside smoking a cigarette, and some guy comes up to me. Now, I've never, listen, let me tell you something. The exorcist, the godfather, there's a bunch of movies, good fellas, you know, I don't fucking, birdcage that I love with the suicide boy there. You know, whatever this fucking thing probably was. There's a lot of... It was just his birthday. There's a lot of... Fuck him, his birthday. Fuck him. Turn the candle upside down, burn your fingers,

hang the fucking candle from a rope or something, fucking... If I was in birdcage, and you came up to me and said, Joe, you were good in the birdcage, I'd be really happy, you know? Okay, when you go to my MDB, it says the longest yard. So that's the movie people have seen me the most. And so a lot of people come down, do I think the longest yard is the Academy Award winner? No, it isn't. Do I think Spider-Man is an Academy Award winner? No, they're American entertainment. They're American entertainment. I think the original longest yard was really cinema, but I think all these other movies now are basically entertainment. Yeah. Okay, they're not gonna fucking come out,

they're not gonna teach a fucking film on Mad Max the remake. They're gonna teach a film course on Mad Max the original, how they shot that. Okay, that's the one that really got them acclaimed, and the Road Warrior shit like that. These people will come out to me and they'll go, you know, hey man, you were great, but the movie sucked. I accept that. I accept that, man. Does it hurt your feelings at all? Not at all, because we all come from different tastes. But there's always that one person. There's always that one fucking dickhead. I'm in San Francisco, it's 9.30 in the morning. I just had breakfast with these guys. We did a show the night before, maybe two shows. It was either Saturday morning, it was on Fisherman's Wharf,

and some guy in front of his wife and his kid, or his kid was another kid, and they were like, looking at statues or whatever, but this jerk well comes over with his wife, and he goes, hey man, you know what? He goes, the longest yard was a fucking disgrace. He goes, it was a fucking disgrace, you know? And this is 9.30 in the morning. I haven't said nothing. This is not at my comedy show. This is nothing. This is me sitting there in a fucking corner, and this guy telling me- No, no, no, nothing, just- No, God's nothing. He's just telling me how bad of a fucking movie it was, and why they shot it, and that, you know, he had respect for me as a stand-up, and why, and I go, hey, oh, listen, before you say anything else, what the fuck have you done?

How many fucking movies have you done? Where's your fucking IMDB? What the fuck are you talking about? I told him, it's 9.30 in the fucking morning. You're gonna come up to me. I don't even fucking know. You're gonna come up to me with your some island fucking girlfriend, and talk to me about a fucking movie that I had no control over, that I'm just trying to pay my fucking bills? What the fuck is wrong with you? And Glee, he just looked at me, and he walked away. What else could he do? And that was the first person ever, like, three years, two years later, that I ever went off on, because it's true. What the fuck, how many movies have you been in? It wasn't fucking, whatever the fuck it was. For me, it was a big step, but I don't give a fuck.

I'm not gonna lose sleep over it. I've done some horrible things. Oh my God, there's a guy that follows me, where I take mercy to the park. He was the executive producer pilot that we did. We did this thing in 2008. You know, every time I see this guy, he still talks to me. He says, the thing's alive. That TNT. I swear to God, he told my wife the other day. We were all there, and my wife was talking to his granddaughter. He's like, hey, tell Joey we're still alive at TNT. Do you think I still think that thing is alive at TNT? One day you're gonna get a call from TNT. I played a clown. Did you know that I played a clown, this pilot? It was a mobster. Yeah, I was a mobster at a circus, and I played a clown. They told me this was gonna be the biggest show

in fucking American history. What the fuck? I'm sitting here with you fucking doing a podcast. I've done so many bad things, but to me, they were just sag and a paycheck. I just gotta shoot a pilot. It was a great director. I shot this thing on paper. It was so fucking goodly, I couldn't even finish reading it. I don't forget why I remember. I forget. This is like a huge pilot at Odd Fox about a circus. You have no idea, my friend. Let me give some shout out to you and get the fuck out of here. I read a great article yesterday about this home delivery thing, how big the business has gotten, and they mentioned Blue Apron in this. And I'm gonna tell you why they mentioned Blue Apron in this, because their fucking ingredients are fresh and they get delivered to

your door. Okay, they have a great plant here. Give me the fucking sheet of paper here. They got a great plant. They got a two-person plant and a family plant. Let me tell you what the menu was for this week. The menu was rice and beef stuffed fucking poblanos. All right? They have linguini, nere, congaveri, and pomandorini. I don't even know what... No, no, no, no. They got chicken bolognese. They got, for the two-person, they got rice and beef stuffed poblanos, and they got squid ink pasta. Do you remember us talking about squid ink pasta? They don't even make that shit no more. Squid ink pasta, all right? They also got fontina basil and grilled cheese sandwich. Would you like to fucking come home and get one of those? And then for the family plant,

they have the flat iron steak and the chicken bolognese regatta. Can you imagine that coming home and it takes 10 fucking minutes? You know, nobody wants to fucking cook after work, and you don't want to go to the supermarket and wait on a fucking line. What? When I was working, my entire thing was if I... I didn't want to have to get out of the car to get it. Yeah. So, but... And the best part, don't they send you, like, literally everything you need to make it? Everything. They open, delivers farm fresh ingredients and a recipe right to your fucking... Does that always forget something? The things that are fucking healthy, and you don't have to go to a grocery store, and it's less than 10 bucks a fucking meal, all right? And they send them perfectly proportioned,

making it cook the fucking healthy meals. These... I think each fucking meal is between 500 and 700 calories. You get some chicken, you meet up at the library, you want to give it a stabbing, you get some fucking blu-ray from the vital oil for date night, you both take it out of the box. It comes right to your door, aluminum fucking wrapped, everything's fresh, everything's fucking cool. It's got kid-friendly ingredients, so the whole family can eat well, you have fun, you jump up and down together, all right? And they work around your schedule, and they have dietary preferences, all right? So what you do is you go to blufuckingapron.com, all right? bluapron.com slash joey. Check out this week's menu, and you get your first two meals free.

Just go to bluapron.com slash joey. My treat. I'm not fucking kidding you. You're gonna get two meals on me when you go to bluapron.com and get sent right to your house. You can do this with friends, you know how gentiles are. They come over, oh my god, that's so... This is could be you. You could be the life of the fucking party with bluapron.com, all right? So do me a favor, go to bluapron.com and press on what? slash joey. J-O-E-Y, capital, and I swear to god, you get two free meals for free on the on. That's how I'm rolling these days. Also, you know what, man, I'm always here with honor. They run my heart. Honor, don't fuck around. The protein I use today have that chocolate shit with a banana, a little peanut butter in there, baboon, two scoops, 32

fucking grams of hemp protein, you know, it don't clog up in my stomach. I don't shit a week later. No, no, no, no, no, no. And all that products are great, whether you're doing new tropics with the alpha brain, whether you need more energy with the shroom tech sport, or you're flying a lot, or you're mixed up with a lot of fucking Arabs or whatever the fuck circle you hang out with, and they're breathing on you, you want to take the shroom tech immune, you know, listen, they got your fucking cover, this is what I'm trying to tell you. Go to honor.com right now and look at the supplements. If there's something you like, go to the box and press in church while you're checking out, you get 10% off your first order. Who else does that for you, right? No, so only am I taking

care of you with some food? I'm also giving you some new tropics. And I'm also, what else am I doing? You're gonna give them some underwear. And I'm gonna give, no, hold on, I'm doing some, I'm giving some new tropics, I'm giving you some fucking tremendous protein, 10% off, all right? But while I'm there, I'm also going to take care of you with NatureBox. The thing about NatureBox is that every time I go to their fucking webpage, they add three or four or five or six new fucking snacks. They're always evolving, man. So sometimes we're here, and we tell you about the cocoa noms or the fucking plantains or the garlic plantains or the granolas that they have or the, I mean, listen, everything is fresh to live it to your door. Again, I'm not going to break your balls.

This is nutritious at its tops. Why are you fucking eating shitty for snacks? The shit that you eat in between your meals is the shit that really kills us. You know who you're talking to? Fat fuck themselves. I know exactly what you go through sometimes. I know instead, sometimes I get hungry and you open up a can of fucking Pringles. You're stoned, right? You eat that shit. Why do you eat the fucking Pringles? Because they're right there. I'll tell you what you do. You go to naturebox.com right now. Look at the web. Look at all the fucking snacks they got. And if you look at them, they're all resealable, which means you got them sent to your house, you get stoned, you open them up, you put them in your little bag, you take them, your knapsack,

whatever you walk to work, you take them to work in between from 12 to fucking five after lunch, one to five, you're fucking starving. Am I lying to you or talking to them? And that's what they're all nutritionists approved, gluten-free, you know, they have dietary, whatever the fuck, restrictions, but it all started, don't listen to me. I'm a moron. Do me a favor. Go to naturebox.com. Take a look at the great selection and here's what gets better. I'm giving you the box for free. Tell them, Lee, five free fucking bags. Five bags. How many big ones? I think one big one and four small ones. There you go. Boom. Free on the fucking arm. You know what you're gonna get? You're gonna pay for shipping, which is like a dollar fucking sum, but you're gonna get $25 bag of free snacks

from me. On the arm, just as a sample. Who else does that? I would not do that if I had shitty snacks. Those sesame sticks. You're gonna order again. You're gonna fucking order again. I wish I had some in my house right now. Go to naturebox.com right now. I'm pressing what? Go to naturebox.com slash Joey. I'm pressing what? You don't press anything. Just go to naturebox.com slash Joey. Order it. Look at the snacks. I guarantee you're gonna love it. Five free bags. Deliver it to your house for free. And if you want to do it, then you can pay for it on your own and it gets sent to your house every month to your fucking door. You're gonna want to do it. And why are we stopping there? You want to be comfortable today? The first thing I packed,

because I know I'm working out, I know I'm doing jujitsu is Chicago, is I packed some underwear. Some nice me on the underwear to be comfortable, nice and cool. I know it's human in Chicago. I want my nutsack to be at fucking ease. I don't want no drama. To me on these is the way to go. Go to me on these.com right now. Take a look at the great selection of women and men's underwear, t-shirts, shorts, hooded sweatshirts. They got some gray. And it's not even the material and how it feels on your skin. It's fucking comfort. You know, your balls are never sweaty. It pulls the heat away and all the moisture from your nutsack. This time in the middle of the night, I scratch my nutsack and I'm expecting to get sweat. I want to get a little whiff.

There's nothing there to whiff because everything goes me on these keeping together. I could lie to you and tell you I have a mom right now. I don't. I got jeans on and I know I was going to come over here and sit on my ass. But I might do jujitsu days when I wear shorts and I want my dick going from side to side. It's hot out. I got me on these on. Comfortable, fucking they feel great. But why are you listening to me for? Go to me on these.com right now. I'm looking for a great selection of women and men underwear, all right? After that, if you want to order, order. What do you get, Lee? 20% off and free shipping in Canada and the United States. You motherfucking Canadians, man. You guys ain't cheap up there. That's why I

love you guys. That's why I told them to keep the 20% off in Canada because you motherfuckers are savages up there. So anyway, go to meonthese.com right now and press in. Joey. Boom! When you're placing your order and get 20% off your order and free shipping, okay? Canada, the United States. I want to thank Anit. I want to thank Blue Apron and their great selection of foods. I want to thank meonthese.com for their great underwears and t-shirts. I also want to thank naturebox.com for their snacks and all nutrition. I want to thank my brother, Lee, for being here and being stoned this week. Anybody? All right, cocksuckers. And that's it. The podcast is over. I'll see you in Chicago this weekend, Wednesday at 29th. Me and Lee are doing a testicle test. I'm doing a run-through

on my county central story. And then I'm taping my CD in August in DC and the special in motherfucking Vegas on September 19th or 20th at the South Point, the resort and casino, motherfuckers. Have a great weekend. I love you guys. Stay black. I just put up a find you ready with Darren Carter. So if you would check that out, I'd appreciate it. The show is brought to you by Blue Apron. Blue Apron sends gourmet recipes and all the fresh ingredients you need to make them right to your door. Our listeners get their first two meals free. Just go to Blue Apron.com slash Joey and start cooking incredible meals at home with Blue Apron. Blue Apron.com slash Joey. The show is also brought to you by meandys.com.

Go to meandys.com and check out the men's and women's underwear they have. Shirts, t-shirts, sweatshirts. Then you go to meandys.com slash Joey. You're going to get 20% off your first order and free shipping in the United States and Canada. And now that the show is over, don't forget to go to naturebox.com and sign up to get your free sample box of great tasting healthy snacks. Forget the vending machine and start snacking smarter with delicious treats like barbecue kettle kernels. Go to naturebox.com slash Joey. That's naturebox.com slash Joey. And go to onnet.com and use Colbert Church to get 10% off all of their great optimization products like Alphabrain, Nimoods, TuneTech, and Mutant TuneTech Sport.

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