Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #304 - Graham Elwood

Episode Date: July 30, 2015

Graham Elwood, Comedian and host of the "Comedy Film Nerds" podcast , joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio.   This podcast is brought to you by:   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   
NatureBox. Visit naturebox.com/joey for a free trial box.   MeUndies.com Go to meundies.com/joey for 20% off.   Recorded live on 07/30/2015.
   Music:
 Delivering the Goods -  Judas PriestTea For One - Led Zeppelin

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2015 the day the devil was buried at sea We're ready to get What's up with me, I'm feeling sewers how I got beat up today. Good. That's what you need You need to get beat up. Oh my god. We can beat somebody up. They killed me I it was no ghee for the first time and we were doing turtle stuff and this dude is bigger than me He just started man. Oh my god. It's tremendous but I I was able to survive four four minutes on the bottom and then I Think I on the tip when I was on the top. I got out of something

I don't know but it was fun and then last night was a blast. That was great. Everyone came up to the ice house Yeah, it was good. Thank you for came out to the ice last last night for the monthly live podcast We got fucked up. I went home. I don't know what happened. Well, my main man is here today old-schooler Graham Elwood shit. What's up, dude? We've been running since the fucking late 90s late 90s back in the Jeff Gitlin there back when Luna Park was big with God rest his soul. I can't pass away. I always felt bad about that You know, I remember when he passed away and I was at his funeral like Sam Tripoli All these comics were there and all we did was talk about those awesome shows at Luna Park

Man, it was just like it was a wild time like yeah Like that era You know, I mean, I know it's like I wasn't that long 15 20 years ago, but it was like Luna Park Was such a unique that bottom that's underground room. So you that you'd like the belly room You know what I mean? You had like the Largo the old one on on Fairfax all these like weird Not on Fairfax anymore Largo move to La Cienega the Largo at the Coronet is like that big Okay, okay. All right. Largo used to be by the pizza place. We used to all go to yeah

Yeah, yeah across the street from Candor's. It was a oh my god. They even closed that yeah Yeah, I drove by a couple weeks ago. It's fucking gone. I know man like so when we first moved here We would go to what's what's the name of that fucking street? It's not La Cienega Fairfax Fairfax And we would park down there and go to Luna Park not Luna Park, but Go to Largo Largo and then we go over to the kibbutz room after the kibbutz room across the street by the fucking Oh my god, is that a Jewish room? Yeah, that's part of canters. That's a story. We get fucked up to go to Next to can is yeah You got a pound of cookies

In the morning you're outside on Fairfax the black and white cook. Oh my god You're right on campus at two in the morning with cotton mouth eating fucking black and white cookies while he's sitting Jews walk Oh my god fucking tremendous It was but that Luna Park man that was on what was that fucking street it was on Luna Park was on it was a Robert Robert it was a Robertson right Santa Monica Like you had to go middle of the block and it was crazy because if I told you go Let's go to Luna Park and you got your car. You thought I was gonna kill you like there's nothing here But as you walk closer you saw other people. Yeah going into this fucking scape thing

You're like what the fuck and then you walked in and you went downstairs Fuck the others, but I remember the shows there man. Like I remember Sam Brown Would go on those crazy tirades on that show I just remember those shows just like anything went like and and he was just like he would go create he would Say that create we met doing shows down there, and then we had the same manager Or maybe that's how we met was like when I was down there because we all did a show together was you myself That's the Jewish chick with that with the hot body. I had a little body odor for a while Hot to its chick, but she always had body odor like she just came from the gym like no armpit

But like she put her clothes on dirty like she wore it sweating and put it back on But it was a bunch of us But here's the thing about Luna Park a lot of people will break it down for you You know one of the reasons to come to LA is to advance in your career sure so you come to LA you mingle And then you get invited to a thing called Montreal if you're a good comedian I've never been invited and then you get a deal there by and they build shows around you and blah blah blah And that was the spot to go to like Montreal to get deals There was a while where if you went to Luna Park you could get a deal Luna Park

It was the weirdest mix of like a deal hot crowds and industry industry because a lot of times like I remember you do those industry Showcases it like the improv and it was like those were tough shows Those industry show get the improv all these suits and you'd be like fucking hell, but Luna Park There was something about that room man. It just popped it fired How does the room like that get built because you've told me about the room where didn't cook up bigger in Hollywood I forget about the name of that wall. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and I was on sunset sunset But Luna Park was first. Oh, okay So Luna play that's great that you brought that up because I was thinking about that when you said you said you had a mix

Of cool people. Yeah and industry was Luna Park first Yeah, Luna Park was the hit spot because upstairs they had a bar. Yeah, and that's where all the hipsters went It's in the middle of Boys Town So you have the gay crowd you had and so it was packed so a lot of industry people was going down and I remember Somebody got a deal like a girl got a deal and that's when it really the word got out So what Luna Park would do Sam Brown would do it you had to pay Sam Sam had a great scam You had to pay Sam to go up Like it was like 300 to rent a room. Yeah. Yeah, and then every so let's say five comics is 60 bucks a piece

You made flyers you didn't go on the internet then you know pass out flyers and email people and send out mail mail post cards Post cards and you get people to come to your show, you know That was the thing is getting industry mailing lists Was a thing so like you'd send to like an agency you'd send a hundred cards to every I would go to fucking The place on Sunset next to coaching horses the industry place You had to go in there and you had to get a mailing list. Yeah for 995 which was bullshit because so I would just rob it half the time Yeah, I would buy the agency book and I would call the agents I would sit in the in the comedy store upstairs and I would call agents off and say how you doing I would make up a name

Yeah, this is Pete Patel. I'm calling for whatever agency Lee sci-at's going up at 8 30 tonight. We're inviting you to the show. It was fucking crazy. Yeah, how different you work that oh Everything because everything is now all digital. Yeah back then you had to have a fucking work. You had to hustle I mean you have I remember I don't know how many fucking flyers I made for shows or and then you know I was like whatever I was handing them out at shows. I took acting class. I hand them friends of my acting class like I was you work like Now it's all digital now you do the a version of that shit But it's all like well I got a post this show on Twitter and I got a fucking put a photo on Instagram and I got to put a link on Facebook

You know what I mean? But back then you had to physically make this shit. Physically make it. You're right You had to go to that place on the behind the Chinese place on LeBron. Yeah, what's that Chinese place on LeBron? Jesus Christ, I totally about that was the hot lunch spot for a while Schubert myself Josh We don't go to that place. We don't do shows together. Yeah, we all did shows together I met all those I met all you guys I met Schubert I met Joshua, but all those guys at Luna Park and then we'd all course see each other around at wherever the other gigs And but I remember that man I remember just getting they had cute waitresses at Luna Park and I remember it was like I had my hangout spot

I go there get fucking drunk after shows. I go down Tuesdays and get fucking because Tuesday nights was A soul night whatever it was big Whatever they called the black night at the comedy store So when those days was funny because I made an allergy this week I told my wife because my wife was a waitress at the store. I go I went to the store Tuesday night. You were with me Yeah, Tuesday night. Yep, it's it's amazingly how many old days black night would take over the whole store Right like comics would not call in for spots not because they were racist But because they knew that it was gonna be a thousand black people down and they weren't gonna be

No parking in fact to fat Tuesday That's right There was gonna be no parking in fat Tuesday You had to park somewhere else and the fat Tuesday room would be empty because when white people would pull up They see a thousand black people standing in front and they wouldn't go in in those days So fat Tuesday took over the comedy store. There were really no belly room shows, right? Like if you call Scott in those days and say I want to book a room We go a hundred for a Thursday, but if you do Tuesday, we'll give you for free

Yeah, because right I go up against fucking fat Tuesday a thousand black gangsters standing in front of the place Scaring people so it was kind of weird now the trend is they still have a fat Tuesday And it still does good numbers, but it doesn't overpower the storm right so in those days Everybody looked for alternatives to the store on Tuesday night So you went to the improv Luna Park the union which was I met our meds room That's right next to where Dan cook became a star. It was the union first and it was I met our meds room and Vince Wars girlfriend at the time Vince Vaughan had a

Chick that was half black half white a real cute girl and Since I met I met lived with Vince Vaughan and John Favreau the girl from lived with them They were into comedy so they she knew the owner at the union So we opened up the union first and then Josh Wolf and what's his name? wood Book it I met I met. Oh, yeah, but I still remember our manager Jeff Gatlin coming in one day with the black kid with dreads That went on to go on the USA the see Michael Anthony Hall show that the kid was black with dreads Shit, I remember they still remember when he made that kid

I still remember when Jeff Gatlin picked that kid and he was just a skinny black kid But Jeff saw some of them and made him get a job He made him lift at Bulldog gym on La Brea You that turned into 10th planet years later Bulldog gym And he made him take acting lessons and the kid put dreads in his hair And I never forget Jeff brought him to the union to put him on tape for six minutes And we were going Jeff. Why don't you give him 10 minutes or 15? He's like I just want the kid to get a deal and yeah

I've got the kid a deal for like 200,000 and he went on he put him on that USA show and God knows where the kid is The kid never did stand up again though. I know he was just cussed. He cut that he was cookie cutter Yeah for that time they that's what they do like if you were good looking They give you seven minutes of material tell the audience you were a stand-up to make you more talented variety wise Once they put you on the show, you never stand them no more. No, no those guys did No, we'd always be at the shows and be like, oh, there's some actor whose manager told him to be a stand-up We saw that all the time so all the time and you just we we all knew like oh, we don't we all just kind of be in the back Oh, he's not a real comic. Is there a

I don't even know how what you would call it. Is there like a market for people who Were stand-ups, but didn't like performing boat now just right for people like that like actors or people who don't want to write their own jokes I don't know how to answer that but people evolve So I come out here. I'm a good looking 23 year old 24 year old You know, I could act a little bit all some of my agent says you could do stand up They give me a six-minute spot. I get on there. They put me on the show. I never do stand up again There's not much you could fucking write because you didn't really oh, no But I'm saying like do older comics who are good writers or even yeah

Absolutely if a comic, you know right now somebody comes to me and says joey your career is done Let's face it. You're never gonna be on tv. But but but help this kid out We'll give you 30 large. What the fuck's the difference? I might as well go in there and help the kid and write for him A lot of people do that now. Wow. I mean one of the best comics I ever worked with coming up was a guy named by the name of rick Rick Kearns today writes for larry the cable guy and he writes for the other guy the other guy run white run white and he's making Big money. Yeah, because he told me what he wants. I mean, he just threw it out to me because I said man I'm taking to doing this special. I was taking a call on you and he just threw a number Fucking jizzled me. I'm like, I might as well get that

Jean Perrette book going again That stand-up comedy work for with the numbers. He just fucking threw at me But they know they know if you get a successful special You're gonna go on to make fucking tons of fucking dough. Wow, they'll help you right. Listen, man I I've always admired guys that accept help. Yeah, because you can't do this life alone There's people that are funnying you and there's people that might have the answer to a riddle that you have And that goes back to the old adage. I got a can of mayonnaise. I can't open it You know, I'm over that lift weights every day

I do jumping jacks. I can't open then grandma comes over and cracks the fucking thing open That's life a lot of times and if you watch Chris rocks two really good specials They're really good in the middle ones in those days. He would get in advance and he'd hire nick de palo Louis CK And the guy who died God have his Richard Jenny And they'd go out with him you'd see him you'd see them go out with him at night And he'd say a joke and they'd each add

So if you have an hour Chris rock could definitely come up with 15 funny minutes Nick de palo could definitely come up with 15 Louis CK with 15 and Jenny with 15. What kind of special are you gonna have some fucking monster? And then you just add your color to the whole special. Yeah, that's how to do it Yeah, and those good writers man, uh, you know a buddy of mine, uh, gary brightwell Uh, he goes on the road bill engvall and he's written for engvall and stuff like that And I was getting ready for a tv thing and he and I were working in vegas together And I just said man, I gotta get I haven't done a tv set in a while

I gotta get this down to four and a half minutes. He goes, I'll help you and he was just he was just as a buddy Watching my set and then going why don't you tour this tweak that and I was like, man, I go gary you have a skill Do you know what I mean? I'm good at going on. It's a skill. I can go on stage and riff I'm good at coming up with jokes But to fine tune especially getting it ready for tv because tv's a whole different animal You know what I mean? You can't riff you can't do any of those things that like I do that I know you do so you got it and it's four it's got it that set's got to be four and a half minutes not 440 It's got to be four minutes and 30 goddamn seconds and definitely not 420 like not like less than no way

And you can get 420 they'll go they'll go, you know, it's 427, but that'll work They'll they'll say shit like and they're not joking So you got to get that thing time it in every word I remember listening to sign fell talk years ago before his big series when I first got into stand-up as a teenager in the 80s Jerry said he treated when he was getting ready for the tonight show I was back when Carson hosted it he treated every word like it cost him a thousand dollars So there wasn't any like, yeah, you know, I'm driving and I'm driving that no repeats

No, um, uh, no none of that shit every word was like advancing the setup and getting to the joke And so guys it could help with that We're really, you know, that's that they can do that and then that's why it's invaluable If you get to the brown white level of the chris rock level where you got to do big theaters because these guys You know run white I was just headlining in vegas run Why popped into a guest spot because he was doing the mirage the next two nights and needed to work on new stuff And when he's going to the mirage at a hundred bucks a ticket To people who that's the other thing when you get that famous

They all know your act. They've bought every goddamn album you released That's why louis ck is like releases a new hour every year. He has to I'm going out in the club slugging it out with a bachelorette party I got to dip into the bag of trips and duck, you know dust off that that dick joke from fucking 10 years ago because But if I have a my because every time I headline 30 20 to 30 of the audience maybe knows who I am so that leaves At least two-thirds of the crowd Has never heard of me before maybe they all you I kind of know your face from tv, but they don't know my act

So that's that's good and bad right because I can I can go into old stuff Um, but I can play around with them, but these guys, you know, you have to if everybody I was I did a show um with dimitri martin Holy shit that guy He's all one liners And he goes he goes my fans there if I repeat a joke at a live show I they fucking butcher me on twitter He's got this huge catalog everything's itemized because he goes gram these jokes are seven to ten seconds long He doesn't have a five minute chunk like you and I have about some real life story. He's all one liners

And that's what fans love him and he sells out, you know, thousand seat theaters But he has to turn Over material and if you get to that spot you better fucking gotta turn it you got to hire somebody Well, I mean, you know like that like you said you need help if you got to turn over a new hour every 12 fucking months I mean shit Well our buddy a young comedian augustino Just wrote on the past like two seasons of louis But like the the beginning parts of stand-up at the beginning is what he said is that's that's what they took jokes for

So I mean that's it's pretty it's pretty it must be pretty cool I mean I can see where some people get negative about other people writing people's material, but well, it's just weird It's it's ego thing right you come on stage and somebody will hey you should put that over here And you're like who the fuck are you? Like who the fuck are you and then you go home and think about it? And as much as you don't want to the person's right, you know Phil Jackson wasn't a great basketball player at all. I grew up on phil jackman Whenever they put phil jackson, we just turned the tv off

Like if the mix were down four points and phil jackson got put in you just fucking went nuts You're like, oh no But because he was so bad as a player he got to see it from a different angle And he got to see it to win championships from I don't know if it was because he was a bad player Or because he just elevated himself and I see the same thing now I got to tape a special in this in september and a cd in august And I don't want the cd and the special to be the same. Yeah I don't want them. Yeah, you could have 30 40 percent of material, but not the same. So I'm trying to get

You know and it's fucking hard and I had to go out this week and try so the next three weeks What I'm trying to do is put together Two different bits and put it on the cd move on and then for the special Once I'm all over and I got another month to come up with 20 minutes Which I could do If I go out every night and work it and sit down for two hours a day You got to record your set. You got to do it. I hate recording myself. I know it sucks I'll bring lee with me and he'll go you said this joke

It's tough. I mean that's when I was getting ready for this tv thing the beginning of the year with when I was doing that That week with bright well in vegas. I was recording. I was like, I can't listen But I had you listen. I had to go to them my computer And it was it was like a fucking spreadsheet like I had to write out because this this network wanted transcripts They got to prove right. They got to prove every word now They all do they have to approve every fucking word And you can't have a joke in there about pepsi or taco bell or any of that It's not even about swearing anymore. Now it's about corporate shit. So if you got a corporate, they're like, you can't make

Oh, I was at starbucks. You got to say I was at a coffee shop. You know what I mean? and so, you know, you got to really break this down and It's it's it's like a lot of work and and when you are at that level when you've got a tv show Or you got to turn over this me you have to have a staff of people doing this shit, man But I did I did like the process, you know, I hadn't done it in a while the process is oh the process is like being born again Yeah, yeah The problem when you get going like for a couple weeks. I was getting anxiety Like I told you what I tell you I got three or four bits

That I'm coming together But they're going to come together But until I get there I just got to keep getting on stage and eating shit Because you could sit there and write them at home Or you want it's once you get it on stage for me. It's putting it on stage Even if something comes to me, I just put it on stage and let's take the rest of me Once you get it up there even with no punchline Tuesday night at the comedy store Monday night at the fucking sun bar Get it up there. This time. I'm killing

And I got them already at the 30 minute mark and I go, what's the difference? Let me try this line out and I'll throw it out there and get nothing but didn't matter I got it out of my mouth. That's that's step number one I got it out of my fucking mouth because in my world I could write something bring it on stage and forget two minutes later I start talking to you. I take two puffs off a joint. I can't tell you how many times he's come off stage and be like I forgot to say yeah, and that's what the whole intention of leaving the fucking house was This times I leave the house going. I'm gonna bomb tonight But I want to make sure that the outlaw Josie wales comes out of my mouth

That's it. I don't care if I bomb This line has to come out because I'm gonna get on stage Thursday If I throw this line out tonight, I can fill in the blanks First of all when you're in your notebook and when you're in front of 200 eyes It's two different worlds pressures a motherfucker sometimes and the pressure might whip it right out of you Or at least get the joke started or maybe you yeah, I what I find I write on stage So I was talking about this with sam triply about how You know we write more and I come up with a lot of times a premise

Or a story happened to me and I just say okay I just got to talk about this premise where the fucking is went to the shoe store I just go I was at the shoe store try to find some jokes in it and maybe get a couple laughs And it doesn't have a big tag yet, but like you're talking about it's out. Yeah, it's out It's out now you're thinking about it. You saw how they reacted a couple weeks ago We were working on a story and it's weird how purple people weren't reacting to the story every time I said the word Word They laughed at the word. So now I had a different challenge

You follow me? I didn't think they were gonna laugh at a racial slur, but they laughed at the racial slur You have to assume that it's 2015 when I say the racial slurs. I'm saying for this joke It's not a it was a joke about a situation They laughed at the racial slurs, right? So I went into my hotel. I'm going Unbelievable they're laughing at the fucking shit. I didn't want them to laugh at it. It's completely different Do you notice that as a young comedian or are you just happy to get a laugh? Listen, man, when you're a young comedian the first six years of starting comedy It's just yeah, it's going up that you don't know about being a wordsmith

You get it And then you realize you can't say fuck here if you're saying fuck here, right? I can't do a piss joke here and do a piss joke there. I cannot It's where this fucking thing takes me, you know After a while you become a wordsmith when you go to jujitsu First fucking year all you're doing is surviving Then after the first year you start seeing things. What is this hand doing that? You know what I'm saying? Oh, shit. Look at his neck wide open every time I sparge. I don't know what to do

I'm just sitting there. No, you just lay that just make sure that every time they go for something you bump them off Yeah, so if they are if you're on the bottom every time let them get comfortable. You just breathe it And as soon as they go to close boom you bump now. They got to start again. They lose their balance same thing It's comedy and martial arts. That's why I love combining The mental of a martial art ever since I started doing jujitsu three years ago My comedy took off in a different direction Because when I walk out of jujitsu I know I'm 50. What am I doing wrestling with 20 year olds on top of me? I'm smelling people's assholes

I'm smelling toes. I don't need this shit at 50. These are my golden years. You know what I'm saying? I'm smelling jockstraps and shit But I know every time I walk out it makes me a better person And that reflects and everything that leaks into everything my business my my relationships my friendships That leaks into everything because you're breaking everything down I got into I've been studying martial arts for a while. I had a little break because I had an injury and then I got into yoga Yoga similar thing you're breaking down all the specifics and that's what martial arts is not just a scrap It's like it's such precision technique and that goes to what you're talking about of being a comic

It's precision This word said this way with this pause. I look like that like so many technical things Like I know I got to pull the mic about five inches away from my face because I'm going to yell this one line I don't want to blow the room out. You know what I mean? All these technical things That's exactly the thing martial art jiu-jitsu his hands moving karate I mean all of it all of it any martial art will leak over and I've seen that You know when I go on stage my voice changes My voice changes my voice goes up an octave, but it shoots out straight

Doesn't do like an opera singer. I do that on purpose I want to be the loudest guy to wake you the fucker. I don't know who the fuck you saw before I got up here But let me tell you what's gonna crack right now And they're just going by the voice the voice is what's getting them your inflections and your voice, you know Rodney would say a punchline and touches His fucking time to tell you to laugh He's telling you to laugh. They suck you in it's it becomes It's easy. We get off stage people like how'd you do that?

How'd I do that the same way you fucking submitted that guy? After he was on your back before and you took them off and you flipped them over and you got the same thing You focused you breathe you noticed where you were at you were in touch with your elements What was and you went to work you caught your composure and you went to fucking work Well, that's the thing that's such a great analogy too when you're talking about like You talk to listen to these pros the UFC pros talk about and how they're not flipping out In the cage, you know what I mean and we do that you throw a line. Okay that line did not work Okay, and all these little subtle things this table to the right of the stage that guy's not paying attention to me

You know, I mean like this guy's pissed off this couple that is but fucking bachelorette party They're not like and I just got a you know, you got to make all these quick decisions Like I got to go get this table's attention in a funny way You know what I mean? I got to get these people quiet down Maybe I got to raise my voice a little bit so they stop talking or whatever these little subtle things that you do It's like a million little moves and counter moves like in like in the MMA and what you see It's like they did a movie this year with Denzel that you like that I watched two or three times Equalizer equalizer when he goes into the Russian thing to pay for the girl when he walks back. Remember he starts seeing things

Yeah, he sees the guy's glass in his hand. He sees that this guy. That's what we see But hey when a mechanic is doing something and so he's everybody has their own even with the lights Because like I'm I'm not a comic but I've been on stage a few times doing the live podcast And I can't see anybody so like when it's when it's out right you guys are really like scanning the room and noticing everything Well, that's the thing the lights that's when you always know it's someone who's never been on stage The first thing they say and these lights are bright like we're used to that we're used to like Okay, I can see about five rows deep here So I got it sometimes, you know, I'm going to look to the people in the front make direct eye contact with like

But if you're in a bigger venue Then I'm just going to look into an area Just so the people in the back feel like I'm looking at there. I had a professional when I first started Ross Schaefer I've been doing stand maybe four or five years maybe six years. I was on the road starting a feature And Ross Schaefer who did this late night Talk show He was a tv personality. It was also was a decent stand-up and I watched his act and he was so

Tight and professional and and and And just crisp and I asked him I said, hey man, you know, I was whatever in my early 20s or something mid 20 And I was like What kind of advice can you give me? He goes first of all you scan the room too much your head's moving around He goes talk to sections Do the setup to the section to the right Do the middle part to the middle to the and the punch line to the left or whatever goes talk to sections

Look people goes You're afraid to look them in the eye You're looking above their heads like some stupid public speaking shit He goes look the fucking guy in the front row in his eye. You know what I mean? Go hey friend off the phone or whatever And I and I just would watch his act in awe every night because it was so well crafted His physical movements were very precise, you know, and I was like wow the way he I watched guys when I first when I First moved to Chicago. I started doing stand-up at University of Arizona in Tucson. I was 18

So I did that for four years and then I went to Chicago to like I'm gonna see if I can do this for real and the thing I I learned so many things at the what was the funny firm back then And then the these are four 500 seat showrooms. This is the early 90s And I would watch guys I did some of them paul gill martin, but I remember bill hicks came through town I remember watching the little professional things they did they'd walk to the stage move the mic stand immediately off to the side You know like they didn't let the mic stand stand in front of them They didn't coil up the core like open micers would do like all these little Little things little thing wait on the side of the stage when there's sets over till the mc comes up

So you never have an empty stage Like some open mic is a good night and they run the fuck off the side of the stage And then there's 30 to 60 seconds where the mc runs up and goes okay. All right And I was like, wow So there's 10,000 little things in there And that's what I love about it and and and like we've been doing this as long as we've been doing it But still you never it's like a martial artist. You're never done learning It's amazing how you could tell a comics experience

By how he walks on stage and grabs the microphone I remember years ago. There was a comedian chick that got like four fucking deals And I mean huge deals and she went on to do great things later on but They gave her a show and stuff and when she first came to the store She had all this hype and we'd go to watch her And you would see comics walk out of the room as soon as she got to the stage and touched the microphone Because we knew she put and she hadn't put the time in yep

You know you for me, I leave the microphone in front of me and I'll tell you why because I move And I got to talk with my hands my hands are the part of the whole fucking deal So and I'm a big guy a little fucking inch microphone ain't gonna block papa, you know what I'm saying? I got a girth like a motherfucker Yeah, it's not like I ain't got like the sun ain't gonna see me from behind a little mic stand so You know, but I realized after doing this for years Fumbling around fumbling people going what they tell me on the podcast. I don't hear you The last thing I do is want to talk into a mic. I'm a felon. You know what I'm saying?

I don't talk into fucking it's against my thing. You know what I'm saying? But if I back here, I'm fine But these are things you learn over the years One of my favorite comics. I want to say this real quick though. But that's the thing you're talking about There are certain things but not every there also are rules, but then you can make it specific to you. It's an art It's an art. It's an art So it might not work for fucking You better work for me and it will really work for Lee. Yeah, Lee really likes it. Listen when I first started doing comedy I watched that Rodney Dangerfield young comedian special the best one Hicks

Madison Lennie Clark was on then I go wow How nice is it to put a suit up on stage and look really nice? Well, guess what a suit as soon as I put a suit on and go on stage guaranteed bomb Guaranteed bomb It took me 20 years not to bomb with a suit on like the Gabriel's show That's the first time I wore a suit on stage since like the second year of comedy Because I go let me give it a try I go I gave you if you hire me for this show. I even put a suit on I was like, what did I just say?

What did I just fucking tell this kid? But a suit would just not work for me. Yeah, even like a a nice Jacket with a shirt with no tie bomb Yeah, I had to be like me. I had to wear jeans and fucking t-shirt and dirty sneakers Then you start doing well, but every because you gotta feel comfortable. Yes. This is an art Yeah, this is an art and listen if you get 10 comedians and you go tell us about the first year They're all going to throw the julie brown booking Everybody read julie brown's book. Who's julie brown? Nobody ever toured with julie brown. I never read

But yo, she did a book that was very popular Yeah, I remember that there's a couple of sections in there that till this day. I'll still use them For writing she had a couple she had you know, she if she had 10 chapters Six of them were very informative when you first get into stand-up Right the first day tight thoughts. Yeah. Yeah, you have you have questions What do they make? What do they do? Who do you know? Did you ever did you ever do a movie? I mean, it's fucking mind boggling This book answers a lot of those questions the rest of those questions

You have to find out by getting on stage Meeting people in a circle, you know, it's like anything else you could go on youtube and learn how to do an arm bar But it doesn't work that you go to class every day and do it stand-ups the same There's no practicing stand-up. No, there's nobody gonna do put your cats out or your mom and your dad They're not gonna be honest you stand up as brutally honest and you have to go to a stage Get a microphone and practice it and to some people they think about that's like league We were talking about jujitsu last night first two years. I listen. I go to jujitsu twice a week I'm always scared as I'm driving up there as I'm driving up there

I might I'm gonna be in the bottom and get a heart attack. You know what? I don't know. Let me go down and find Yeah, let me go down and find out what happens, you know, I'm one of those guys that I knew that I know that to fucking Do any thing in this life you have to get your hands dirty and that's one thing that when people realize they have to do They back. Oh, that's too much. That's what a lot of things in life. Oh, what do you mean four years? No, no No, how long does it take you to be? I love that question. How long does it take you to be good in comedy? Once a person asks me that question They're not a comic. Yeah. Yeah, how long does it take you to be good?

Because they're just looking for something they just they think there's some sort of class You just did two two years you get the certificate and then you're squared away Like you could like a real estate license now you can go sell houses like an eight that And I can come to you I'll come to I'll meet you every Sunday for an hour and I'll work with you And I'll work with you and after a year not going on stage You'll know everything there is to know about comedy, but you still you have to get on stage There's no other that year that I worked with you talking to you you'd get the same information In three weeks on your own or a month on your own if you went to three

Barbecue joints and one comedy club and really got your lights rocked All those answers will be all those questions will be answered for you not that how much you make or How long does it take but you'll see that this is a fucking real living And it's an art it's like walking into a karate studio when you're 10 They give you a geek and you learn these basics and that's what stand-up is It's basics that'll come with you for the rest of your life no matter what you want to do writing For people producing you know directing directing you know filmmaking any of that shit I saw rosanne on uh the guy that's he's 80 and he's got like five wives. What's that the guy at Larry king

Larry king live and it was a great It was a very great great interview and she said you know, he asked her he goes Number one, let me get that candle. Why did you throw out the abc brass when your christmas party that year? And she goes because I was sick of them I'm sick of people telling me my business She goes I got to a fucking point one night where they were telling me my business And that's the point I got with with industry. I've been here 18 years. Don't tell me my business When I'm here three or four years these agents come to you and they go well if you want a tv show

You have to do family material and you have to do that. These are the guys that blow their fucking brains out because they're not being themselves Yeah, well, that's the thing it's it's so great and not you know going now to this this new era this digital era this podcast You know Fucking raised money on kick I raised money on kick started to a podcasting documentary You know what I mean and I helped run the la podcast fest, which I know you're busy this year joe But we're gonna get you in it. What day is it? It's september 18 to the 20. We're in vegas shooting a cd I went last year was great. Oh, thanks, man And it's the great thing is is I always tell people I go you know how many pitch meetings I had to have to get those two things

Zero I'm partnered up with my friends and we're make I'm not swimming in cash You know and if a hey of a network came to me and said gram here's a tv show Of course I take it, but I'm not spending the time to chase them around Because now I can just make it myself and put it on the internet and fucking make money I I make it fan gets it. It's that simple. So I that frustration especially as comedians no other business It would be like if if the fucking executives or you know some 25 year old executive with the new england patriots is going

Hey, tom brady Here's how I want you to play football Yeah, it's just like because I played flag football in the eighth grade like you how could you possibly know You don't know what we've gone through You have no idea and you can't give me advice on it Like that's why I know till this day. That's why chappelle quit right. I know till this day If you've ever dealt with comedy central, it's a fucking nightmare. It's a fucking nightmare And you're dealing with people have never been on a fucking stage

Never in their life. They just sit at coffee shops and oh my god. I love him. That's all they know I love him. I love him. I love him Then the show comes out and they're eating shoes and the fucking executive because they don't fucking know nothing They know nothing. Dave's the other day I was watching so what the fuck was I watching some movie and they did a helicopter lift Over washington square park and new york said I go that's where Dave chappelle used to do comedy when he was 16 With fucking uh, the black guy one of the greatest funniest guys of all time He was like his warmer packed out of baltimore the junkie the guy that died out of fucking junk I go so and I'm right there. I was thinking about he was 16

He was 16 and an outside Doing comedy on the street on sundays with no microphone Just grabbing people's attention. I can't remember what the fuck the guy's name was right That went on to die from hiv, but he was a fucking tremendous comic black guy. Funny as shit You know, how are you? How is a comedy central exec? How do you gonna look at dave chappelle and go? This is what we don't think this is funny. Listen get the fuck out of room. I know what the syracuse. What do you know? You went to syracuse for four years to study entertainment. I got you got that but you have not done What I've done. It's

Unbelievable that they and here's the thing and I don't I I don't say this Arrogantly at all There's not one executive at any major network that knows more about comedy than me and you or any of our friends There's not one. There's not one Just like, you know, I it's not I I can't run a giant network. That's not my job. You know what I'm saying So what what do I get to as the comedian say? Well, I've been telling jokes for 25 years I'm gonna tell you how to how to run your department. I probably could do it better

But but you know what I'm saying like what other job that people tell comics They think they can do it better than us and their ideas and they're all the focus group and then what are you talking about? That's the thing I love about the internet. It's so fucking democratic Network won't give you a show start a youtube channel like all these youtube stars some of them half of them They're like a network wouldn't hire me to do this You're fucking sock puppets with my cat or whatever the fucking show is and I got a million people watching it No, it's telling them how to do that like All the stuff we're talking about like this has come from decades

You and I doing comedy for decades in everything The shitty fucking bowling alleys that all that crap that we do in Iowa bowling alley in Iowa Who does a bowling and that's what that was a family gave me the confidence to do movies to go into these auditions and go Wait a second Wait a second. Tony favorite. Uh, whatever his name is serigusa is a football player. He's great. He makes me laugh But he doesn't do what I do the same thing. I don't block on Sundays I'm not an offensive tackle or an outside linebacker. You know, uh, I hate when people

Fucking say call tv comics comedians. Yeah, it does something to my soul Whether it's will Arnett. Yeah, or his fucking wife or any of those fucking people. They are not comedians They are comedic actors. Yeah somebody's there saying cut And they giggle and the cut when they fuck up their line and they do it over again And you got a bunch of funny people and some of them are funny people for the most part if you've been on those sets It's a fucking mind fuck. Yeah, it's a fake mind fuck And what we do when I go to the comedy store at 1115 and I get on stage

That's 1115. That's not eight o'clock. Okay, and you're in your living room with buttons sitting next to you and our cocoa Okay, and everything's beautiful when you're living. You're coming off. You're coming off the street this fucking hag You're fucking just in here with just told you in the car. She got her period You got a grandma blow you wanted to eat her pussy. You just paid 35 to park now You go into the comments and you got to sit in the back and it's dark and you somebody farted. There's a fucking some Fucking vietnamese people they're eating egg rolls and you can smell it And now you're sitting back there. Now this fat fucking guy comes on stage. Yeah, and he changes your outlook

Yeah, because that's what we do and I'm not I'm not saying myself I'm talking about let's say tom poppity and anybody same thing. You're in there You don't know what you know when you're in your living room When you're prepared when you go honey, when paul comes over to find him We're gonna watch the red is blue. You put your feet up. You relax. Everything's beautiful You just fucking finger that whatever the fuck you just did. I'm talking about life. You're walking into a comedy club You were just on sunset and bumper to bumper traffic You just paid 35 to park the fucking valet guy smells. He's gonna fucking stink up your car

Now you gotta go to the commie store. Do you wait at 15 minutes for the waitress different scenarios guys Do that shit and go to different scenarios bitches go to fucking casino and do the late show Or half the half that there's a guy sitting there with his arms full because he just lost $2,500 on the crap table He doesn't give a shit about your jokes And then you make that guy laugh You make that guy laugh and you're gonna tell me that an executive is gonna know more about comedy than we do So what if you guys got if you got the joe ideas Show tomorrow, what what do you want the the executive there for because you need executives?

Do you just want them to be like you're legally allowed to say this on tv? Well, they bring Listen, everybody brings something to their position. Sure, right? Everybody brings a flavor to their position that you learn from Okay, that's but here in this town they've become egos. So you don't learn right the director should come in and teach you something Everybody should learn something. What would you want for the joe idea show to be uh? I was high last night and I got home and I was going through netflix and I watched uh What the fuck episode was it and again, I went to beg don't Brilliant. Supranos. Yeah, but what episode uh?

It was like the first season. I wanted to analyze the first season the season that made this country Fall in love with the sopranos. What made uh a household family watch a guy that cheats on his wife and cheer for him Okay, let's get that out of the way that that's comedy right there. That's brilliant What makes you know, there's some people I was watching that show about the 50s in miami on showtime Oh, yeah, what is that show about the 50s and they're all smoking cigarettes Until the guy shot the dog in the fucking pool. I never turned that show on again No need to he shot the german shepherd. No need to watch that dumb show again. You know what i'm saying? So now i'm going to myself. Okay. I have some type of morals

I'm watching the sopranos this guy cheats on his fucking wife. It wasn't the columbus day one It was the first season first season and it was fucking brilliant. Oh, yeah, and I go. This is what writing is This is what you want on your show. You know Anybody could bring home. Uh, I think they did it's one where You could bring every fucking dad that dreads the day that the daughter brings home a boyfriend Right, you're gonna hate him even if he's fucking joe montana. Yeah, you're gonna hate this guy But now he shows up with a black guy. Was it the college one the after the college one? um

Juniors the boss the one after that aj and his friends steal wine that one. All right, they steal wine from the church the one after that uh The lupus lupitasi goes on the lamb to avoid indictments from the fbi that one was good too Either at a wedding and the guy gives the five thousand the girl that got married and then he goes I just duped the five thousand if I wouldn't know how to go on the lamb I wouldn't do the five and he went back and got the five thousand back. So I'll catch you next week That's you know, you can't write that because it's so wrong. That's what I want my show to be I don't want somebody there going. Oh, you can't do this but

That's not the situation the situation is the bureaucracy they put you through because I hear comedians throughout podcasting That's a major complaint is dealing with with people who who try to Rain in your or or change your I love 30 rock Okay, and I love 30 rock and I'll tell you why I love 30 rock Why because she's a comic and she took a chance by the kid by the name of tracy morgan But if you know anything about tracy morgan he's buck wild But she knew how to get the best out of tracy morgan and how to get him off the set before anybody knew how crazy he was

See there's different things that people know that you can't figure out that I give comedians the edge You know roseanne said in that interview they said to a show Why Did you fire everybody and she goes they came to me and they said they wanted to beat the cosby show And I went and got he goes I went I fired all the fucking writers they had I kept two of them and I brought comics in Real hard-hidden comics I paid them and she goes because you gotta remember at the end of the day We're stand-up comics and if you're a real stand-up comic You know how to produce

You know how to direct Yeah, you know how to write and you know how to put the show on without even think I don't know how to produce At least I don't think I know how to but you do. I know how to fucking produce. Yeah, we got all these skills We have these skills that you have no idea exists lisa. Yeah Well, you kind of have to do it for yourself But it's like what you're talking about earlier with the uh with the flyers and all that stuff. You're that's stand-up comedy Yeah, so you're you're doing everything like you're essentially putting on an hour tv show Every night you're putting you look look what you're doing

Here's the thing that comics need to give themselves more credit for because we just think ah just go on stage and It's not a real job. Yeah free beers and fuck off You think about Think about how much time is spent well It's funny last year when we were doing this this documentary about podcasts We flew all over the u.s Australia and japan and somebody offered very graciously they'd say I work for you know travel agency I can I can help took all this stuff and I went I don't know how to book travel

Believe me when I tell you I know how to get on an internet And book plane tickets and I booked it for me and the fucking crew guys about four of five of us Bam I had rental cars. I had fucking routing. I had it. They were like how I was like, what do you think I've been doing? I've been doing this I've been doing this on the internet for 10 to 15 years just that not to mention like I could I can tell you Which airports have the best smoothies in the terminal you want to know? I was saying like we know exactly what airport to land in who's got the best food quickly. Yeah. Yeah, you know it Don't go to that airport. You got the rental car shuttles a half all the way a fucking way

That's why I don't go to Atlanta. Where's the punch line? It's the worst. No, no, no, no, no I don't have that type of time in my life Atlanta and Dallas They put the fucking rental car places Without like a phoenix has a fucking one. That's a million miles away too phoenix. I'm always like, ah, shit We should have flown in a fucking Tucson and walked and fucking walked. It could have been cheaper and fucking easier These people make you walk now for no fucking reason walking is big now at these airports with the money you're paying. Why am I walking? You see they're redoing Newark Oh, yeah, we don't know a bit the four billion dollar thing

They're gonna tear down a terminal because isn't your because united's making that their hub now, right? I heard united's pulling out a jfk. I have no idea. Yeah, because american pulled into jfk So i'm telling you I was looking for fucking tickets to new york in september amazing Amazing and I really want to fly virgin But they just you know, it leaves at 8 30 That means that the the driving down there is gonna be brutal. I'm a 6 a.m. Got yeah, because it's a 20 minute drive. That means I got to be there five That means I leave my house at 4 15 that means i'm walking around fucking lax in 10 to 5

Because it takes me from studio city 20 minutes at 4 in the morning I'd much rather do that, you know, but then I gotta go away the fucking kennedy because american airlines only connects into new work now So it's a fucking nightmare, but virgin and virgin don't come back till sunday at 1 That means i'm landing at 3 40. That means i'm on the 405 on sunday At 4 in the fucking afternoon. That's That's not healthy for uncle joey You know, I I kept looking at it. I don't know about that one. So I think i'm just gonna go home And book a fucking lax kennedy and have alex pick me up

They have a fucking kennedy on sunday that leaves at 5 45. You're tiptoeing around fucking lax at 8 15 There's not a car on there's not even luggage on the Before you land there your luggage is there at lax and shit anytime you land on sunday at lax after 12 You're just asking for mounds of trouble. I tell people it's it's not even worth it what you're gonna go through It's not even worth it. Yeah. Yeah 11 o'clock even like 11 you're dead like dc. I landed 11 35 I know i'm dead, but i'm home for three weeks after that. So even if it takes me two hours to get home I'm okay, and that was it. That was it. That's all I could fucking take, you know But I can't I can't sit in the fucking city on one like that one o'clock virgin was good out of new work and cheap

I go to chans I could be a chance of 1101 catch an egg roll and be at new work airport at 12 ready to take my flight at one o'clock Like a motherfucker and I will get on that plane with egg rolls If I got a chance to do it before I die with the mustard too with the fucking mustard and pork fried rice I'll pull it right out of that compartment in three C. You know me dog I upgrade every week to three C like a motherfucker and guess who's first in the line uncle joey Because I need that seat and I need that thing. I just watch motherfuckers. They open the push in there Don't you think you'd be putting shit in my fucking trunk?

You think I fucking got upgraded to first class. I've been flying for 20 years I've paid my fucking dues for this fucking thing and that's what we forget. See that's what I forget and from time to time I remember because That is my inspiration all the time. Like I was going through the anxiety and everything I kept saying one second I've been doing this for 24 years. I've already gone through the The parts where you go home at night and cry yourself to sleep because you want to be funnier And you don't know how to and you want to do all these great things and you don't know like I forgot The dues I paid like I fucking blacked out from like because I started in 91

I didn't get serious till 94 From 91 to 94. I was like, you know, one of these guys that just goes from club to club. I'm a comic man. Great to meet you Oh my god You got the business card, but you ain't getting on stage. I was getting on stage once or twice a month Then I went to new york and I fucking was like, you know what? I could do this But I know if I do this I got to do this Like it's like anything else if you do this you got to do this And I dove in and from 94 to

You know, 2000 fucking five I worked I tried to work when I got the longest shot when I slowed down a little bit I was like, okay. I made my point Yeah, I could do this. I made my point and I got something out of it. I could do this Now I didn't go out seven nights a week anymore. I went down to five nights a week But there was months I was doing 35 sets a month. I think for 10 years in a row. I did over 300 sets a year I had all the notebooks. I just threw them out 300 sets a year Okay, and that's for years From 94

To 2007 I did over 300 sets a year easy Easy, I know like in 2001 and two they had to be at 400 365 I remember going 365. I mean to get on stage every day But not really there were just some nights you do four or five fucking sets, you know But that's the work you got to put into this shit and that's what these people on the internet that people listen to the podcast A lot of stand-ups listen to this show. Yeah, and they try to learn from this show and one thing I stress is that guys Don't even worry about this shit you're for you know

When you're doing comedy 10 years, you have this mind fuck that you're a headliner But you're so far away from being a headliner like I've been doing kind I became a headliner like the The 21 year mark like, you know, when you go see Greg Harado God rest his soul and Sebastian or even Ralphie Mae They're headliners, bro. They put it together I was doing comedy for 15 years and if you asked me to do 45 minutes I could do 45 minutes But I was not a headliner a headliner has a beginning a middle of an ending

They're money, you know, they're on time. They look good. Their eyes are clear You know, it's just something about a headliner that you could tell the difference and I always knew for years I remember being in Jacksonville dying eating dicks Like dicks flying into my mouth at the 30 minute mark when I had been in LA and I think I was here I was doing comedy nine years and jimmy shuber got a movie and he had to leave the next day And I took his place like they okayed it for me to leave to do uh Jacksonville and I remember going I'm funny, but I'm struggling I was struggling to do 45. It was you're slapping it together You're slapping it together. It was just horrifically bad. Like I wouldn't even want to see it now

Like I would not even want to see those tapes. They were so fucking horrific, but That's what you put into and that's what people at home and they think that we just got together and started doing these podcasts And listen anybody could do these fucking podcasts. Well, how frustrating is it for you guys? Well, because Graham we've been in podcasting for a while There's so many comedians in podcasting who Don't Have what it takes to do a podcast they they want to quit after six weeks

Well, they don't take it seriously. It's what joey just said about being a headline But but they just they fit if it's not even just young comedians It's comedians who are like there's a lot of established comedians who don't have podcasts anymore or because it's You have to treat podcasting like a business and I don't mean that like it's not fun But I mean like if you're gonna if you want to just If you want it to help your career in one way or another even if you're giving the show away for free You don't do ads or blah blah blah, but it just how obviously we know podcasting helps promote gigs on the road

all that So if you If you're gonna get into podcasting You gotta like people ask me all the time, right? I help produce the la podcast festival people always ask me How do I get in? How do I you know? What do I do? I go if you're getting into it because oh, I want to get a tv show like mark marin You're doing the wrong reasons. It's like we talked about Those fucking actors who in the early 90s his managers go you're gonna we're gonna get you a sitcom. So say you're a comic here's six minutes

So if you if you're wanting to come into this I say this thing come in like it's talk about whatever you want to talk about if you like fucking shoelaces You're obsessed with them and do a shoelace podcast, but treat it seriously Release consistent content Make it sound decent, you know like this to take it fucking for real or Don't and you know this too like when you host a podcast The comics that show up, you know There's every once in a while you get on that blue. Oh, what time was that?

You know, they didn't take it serious They they didn't take being a guest on this seriously And then the it's funny other comics that are podcasters. They always are like on time. What's the thing bank boom boom? And that's the thing. I think with anything this this is the most difficult Business out there one of the most difficult stand-up comedy is probably the most Is the hardest form of performing there is in terms of just And I've had amazing musicians tell me this and singers go. Oh my god, you got no fucking They go I could teach you how to sing I could teach you how to play an instrument

What you guys do is crazy So you got to treat it seriously And I and I always cause that because sometimes people go job serious and automatically. Oh like it can't be fun I have to sit in a cubicle to do comedy. No, no, no put the work in So that when you run into your friend Joey Coco Diaz at a comedy club You just we just sit in the back and we're fucking laugh because we're not sweating all that other shit because we've we've clocked those hours in You know being on stage is the is the is the frosting. You know what I mean?

You got to put all this fucking work in To where like now i'm busy with all this business stuff and I love it. I it's empowering, you know Going on stage is like oh This is fun time now like i'm working on my act and all that stuff But i'm not talking to fucking attorneys and negotiating contracts and all this other shit I'm going to go on stage and i'm going to just fucking freestyle funny go into my act go out of my act make fun of this Fucking guy in the front row whatever and that's the beauty of it You and I tell comics too I go you want to we all came to Hollywood like you said to advance our careers

But if your goal is I need to be famous No, you need to be you need to be like I want to be a good comedian You know I want to be respected I want other comics to to go that guy's fucking funny. It's a solid. He's perfect be respected as a professional Be respected as a person be respected as an artist be respected as a business person That's what you should be going after because joining you it's funny You and I were talking about some over the phone, you know, I remember calling you

Uh to ask you see if you could do pod fest and you're already on the road and we were just and you know We hadn't talked in a while and you said hey, man We're still here. We're still here. You said that to me and I was like, you know, you're right Anytime I get in my head. We all do this. Well, you know, I I started with this list of guys who are all Gently famous now and you know what I mean all these people they got huge movies and how come I'm not You know what? I just got paid to work. I got gigs lined up. I'm just fucking happy. I'm alive doing this You know what I mean? We could I could be back telemarketing or something like that

How often does that happen to you? You forgot a little bit a fair amount Because I'm I'm only about two years into doing this full time and I was like, okay It's gonna has to stop sometime But to hear someone saying we've been here for 15 years that still happened It doesn't happen as often for me personally because I the minute it starts I go back to the world stir here thing Which is just like let's be grateful for what you got You know

The I got a podcast that I love doing we talk movies every week. I love doing it I love coming on shows like this. I was just in Tulsa. I got paid to tell jokes. It was great I'm just you know what I mean? I got paid to tell jokes and uh and and and You know, it is just sort of I might just sound just sort of like shit your grandmother used to say or whatever But it's the glass the glasses half full. It's your perception So I can see don't go man. I started with Zach Galifianakis and I don't have his career

And how come I don't have loose he can't either the same age and what the fuck I could do that Or I could go I'm making my living telling jokes, which means when I'm my off days. I'm surfing The way I look at it is you know what? We all Birth comes to us all and death comes to us. That's right And one day I'm gonna be in a fucking hospital room with a fucking IV on And I'm gonna be here in the last couple beats of my heart And you think about your fucking life and you think about the things you did and what you fucked up and

What you didn't do and the people who that you yeah, I started with Zach And I started with lewis ck and they got this and you're gonna feel bad Maybe I'm only I'm only allowing you to feel bad for maybe three seconds Because at least you tried it. Yeah, you rolled up your sleeves and that's what I couldn't live with That is what we stress on this fucking show or whatever the fuck I'm talking about that listen When I went into that fucking vmak and when you try started with the swords and stuff You didn't think you were gonna be matzomoro mazuzuki Okay, you did it for yourself and for yourself development and for whatever

I never knew and that's what the problem is. I never want somebody to go into something not knowing From their heart to their fucking toes what they're getting themselves into you know I I know when people ask me questions what they're looking to get and what answer they're looking to get and for people Who are young comics and don't have a podcast? It's the same thing that happens to other comics. They don't have a voice To have a podcast you really have to have the voice and a commitment and something you believe in And that's what sells this podcast thing the same way that's what sells your act

Is your voice we've all gone up for years. I used to just go up on stage and be rodney And one day I was taking a shit In my bathroom and I heard a special come on and one of my dear friends Was on stage Who isn't that successful? He's a funny guy. We're both funny guys And I heard him didn't watch him. I heard him And I heard what I was doing wrong There was no commitment in my set

Anybody could get there was a time there when we were going to your apartment and I was tormenting you About you not molesting that girl that was sleeping on your couch And they were funny podcasts But for a while our numbers went really down because people weren't getting it. We didn't have a voice That's a regular comics. Do they come on? Eventually, oh my god, the pussy smells like vinegar and they laugh and people listen to it But once they listen to burrow and listen to rogue and listen to gram that there's a message in the podcast Is a beginning a middle and ending

That's the thought and it's the same thing would stand up It's the same people going to try anything because they think they look at something I could do that I could fucking do that. Hey, yeah, I've never looked at anything like that Because I know there's something you don't know. That's why before I do anything. I check with a professional Yeah, I've always since I was a kid. Hold on. Hold on that guy lips weights and he won a contest Let me go talk to him. I'm over here looking at a book some fact. I don't stand in military presses I'm gonna throw out my back for the rest of my fucking life. Let me go talk to him But people's ego was scared to ask. Yeah, we're scared to ask

I always ask for advice. I always ask questions But I always know where I'm going. I always when I was in drugs and kidnapping people That's what I did if I saw you even if I was going to kidnap Lee If I was a 24 hour gangster if I went to a bar and heard you had an ounce in your car Shut up for two minutes. Let me listen for this fucking muck over here next to him He's telling his friend. He's got an ounce in his car. Maybe we'll take him out to the car because I was always on Right. You're always on this is what? Last night at the ice house the door guy and I were talking and he was talking about Saturdays

About weddings and stuff like that. You know when you do comics when you're a comedian, you don't go to weddings. No There's not people know not to even ask you. Yeah, if they're on a Saturday Only a comment. I'll cancel Tulsa. Yes, I'll come to you. No, I work on These are the different these are the little things. Yeah that we've let in this country vacations And you know in grown toenails and I have a date with my girlfriend Listen, I don't give a friends means fuck that your girlfriend you're picking up at 10 But at eight you're gonna go to that piano bar and you're gonna do 10 minutes Yeah, and then after you do that then you worry about your fucking cunt girlfriend

But until that fucking time in my mind, that's it until that time I don't know what you're talking about if you're not putting a yardstick in your pocket first I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Yeah, and that's what we've forgotten Everything, you know, it's like when we when we realize something's gonna be hard work That's it. We switch careers. Yeah, how many fucking people have you been here since you've been here switch career Oh, god, how many people have you seen that came in as comics and now the camera man or their agents or their I love to understand the oh my god the competition and I was sexually molest shut the fuck up When you're a female comic, you're sexually molested every night. You understand me when you're a female comic

You better suck a dick or have a tough skin because for the first two years of your career people Gonna ask you to suck their dick until you get funny. Yeah until you and people gonna try to cos be here You know Those fucking beginning cute female comics. That's the toughest job in the world That's the toughest job in the world because they really come in naive asking questions next, you know, they don't know nothing They suck they cocks and there's still number eight on the open mic waiting list on fucking Well, you said if I suck to your dick, I got up to number three. Listen. That was last week, you know what I'm saying I had a chick that stuck suck my dick and stuck a finger of my ass. You got to work for that number three spot

Let me give some shot out to you real quick Happy birthday to my main man. Andrew southern's been around for fucking since day one My main at man. Akku. You bad motherfucking Larry D. Jason Montero, ookie spooky looking good Putting some fucking weight on those bones. I'm gonna have least suck your fucking ankle next time. It's easier John Fentrose. I love you. Jesse Wright Rene Vogel jr. Liya, Hernandez looking sexy as a motherfucking paul Lynch. Happy birthday, ganndra southern. You're a good fucking man Happy birthday, buddy

That's it. I'm saying well be a fucking around but that that's the thing those guys that started to commute those people that started podcast and quit First off, I didn't give they didn't wait for the miracle to happen Right, they didn't wait and number two. They didn't find their voice and they never had a fucking voice When we started the church, we had a voice and then for a while there when I went on the road every week I would just go on there and fuck around and then one day I said, what is that? I gotta get a notebook together I asked li what the numbers were. He's like, yeah, the numbers went down like 200,000 200,000 No, we gotta pick this motherfucker up and after that I was serious about it. Yeah, I got it

I understood what this is going to understood why people watch You know, I listen, uh, sometimes we have some pretty deep shows in here and sometimes we have shows where you just get fucking high and giggle Sometimes we have a guess some I always keep people on their toes This is the power that we have now if this was a network, you think oh, no, no, you can't I don't know grandma What is uh, you know, you can't say that You know, well we tell li's gotta take the israeli flag down Some fans wrote in they're getting amused because they kill people the gaza strip. Who gives a fuck I mean at this. Oh, this is what we do. Right. This is what we do. We laugh about

I don't know She was always killing some of the gaza strip every two years Something gets pissed off. I think they're shooting missiles at that's what you get. That's what you get. We don't fuck around here We're israel. We've got tons of money and missiles. That's what and we're waiting to shoot them dying to shoot a motherfucker You know, we're still pissed about fucking the man with the swastika. You know, we're walking around angry here 40 years ago. We haven't forgotten. We live but we haven't forgotten. We're getting back at all you motherfuckers You guys let it happen. Nobody's stuck up. We were in that fucking hole making shoes. Nobody came over and said what the fuck is going on there No chinese. No fucking vietnamese. No nothing

You told me jews don't like spicy food last night. You got battery for ordering spicy peanut spicy food and jews don't aren't romantic Right, you never see a jew on tv getting on one knee to marry a bitch He throws a fucking black case on it could be a ring. It could be a cuban zirconian If you know a real jew, that's he's they never give you a diamond If you go to the jew district in new york, they'll fucking kill you They'll bite your fucking finger to get ten dollars off that diamond. Their wives don't get diamonds, bro. They give him something fake Take it some from the other side of africa some shit What the fuck

Look at poor lee lee. What are we doing tonight? I don't know what you want to we going out on picking you up We're going to a comedy store about 10 30 quarter after You're gonna be fucked up by them because this is only the beginning of this. I'm already fucked up That's right. Who gives a fuck it was I was coming back from jiu-jitsu today and I thought about you because there's this really big person in my apartment complex and She had to get taken they had to come pick her up and then Take her to doctor's office and back in an ambulance and like they had like six Uh emt's there and I was just like I had just like come back from getting beat up a jiu-jitsu and I was like

I'm all I'm almost at a hundred pounds. I'm like It would have I was less than five years away from being like the me too. Oh my god Easily less than five years away. And this is easy like look look at this kid. He serves every day. This is easy Yeah, one hour a day lee and I were talking you look at your week seven times 24. How many hours is that? That's fucking 168 fucking hours, right seven times, right? Yeah, a hundred and four. Yeah 168 fucking hours. So you got even even if you exercise one hour a day five days You got a hundred and sixty three hours left If you sleep six hours, right? Why are you seven times six as well 42?

You still got a hundred hours left to get your dick sucked in ball's leg Right or wrong. I mean you can't fucking lose How long you've been doing this podcast now? What's the name of this podcast comedy filmmakers podcast? We've been doing it since late 2009 We've done, you know, two we just recorded our 280th episode Uh, it's a blast. I do it with chris mancini. He was a comic every week. We we talk movies We'll have you on it chris mancini's a young kid old older guy. Yeah, he's all right. He's around our age You know, he's mid 40s, you know, I mean you've probably seen him around big imprint He worked the improv a lot worked the vegas improv

You know stuff like orange county guy lives in orange. No, he lives up in here in a valley There was a mancini I met when I did a triple run and he lived down in orange county. It was very nice You know, I've seen and you lose contact with so many comics and you try to look them up and they're not even doing comedy no More and it makes you feel bad like at times I feel guilty when somebody's quick comedy Because we both had the same paths, you know and I just funny I do feel guilty sometimes I'm just like when when I see someone who was funny or whatever and they quit and they always

Ah, you know, I just needed to move back home or I had to go teach or something That's nothing wrong with any of those things But I always do feel a little like Boy, I'm lucky the times I did think about quitting when it was rough and I was pissed off or whatever and I thought What would you be doing right now if you didn't do stand-up? Did you have a degree? Yeah, I had a film degree, but I mean my degree was in making movies, which I'm kind of doing right now. So You know, I always thought what I always asked what would I do? I said, I don't know high school football coach. I really like that

you know, uh Firefighter, I don't know but other than that. I mean, that's the best I can come up with in terms of Comedy like this isn't a profess. It's it's it's not a profession. It's a way of life. It's a calling It's not like well, maybe a comic or maybe I'll you know sell shoes or whatever. So so It's so a part of who you are. I mean, it is a job. It is a profession as we talked about but it's It's a part of who you like you you you get to the point where you can't not do it

and anyone that that quit on it probably Came into it for I don't know what reasons or what but but but I think that that It just goes through the like I can't picture myself not doing anything else I just I'm I do I just can't picture myself doing anything else I just can't because even like, you know, we got this documentary and I'd love to be making more movies I'll still perform. I'll always perform If even if I don't if I don't have to go on the road and slug it out like I do now still You know, I was and money wasn't an issue. I was fine

I would still go on stage and perform just because I love it because there's nothing like it I don't I want I went to Denver comedy works and one of my friends came from the old days Even before I went to prison. I knew this guy was salesman, you know And he came in and I asked him what he did and he was off for eight years. I had it great I went to a Financial firm and then the bottom fell out and I had to go back to selling cars and you know He went through just a life of copiers everything that was hip, right, you know, everything that was hip at the time You know medical supplies copiers, you know

And I think of what this would it be like if I've never gone on that stage I would It really saved my life and more ways than one because listen the only it's so funny how For me in my world, I'm not a great writer But I I like doing comedy. I like acting I like doing the podcast. You can't be good at every aspect of this, you know And even with with my criminality, right? I was really good with drugs. I knew how to fucking flip a buck I knew how to kidnap people. I know how to book. I'm really good at booking

Like if nothing else ever works again, I could book I really know how to book and get a game started and know how to tell people Hey, man, you should bet the next right, you know and set them up. I know all that shit. So it's just uh That's it. That's all I I couldn't see myself I used to mind fuck myself when I was young. I'm gonna be a service Guy in a dealership and write service up fucking come on this morning's at eight I wake up and I look out that door and I'm like, I couldn't just leave the house right now I'm not prepared

Like I'm not prepared like people have to get up at six and get in that car at seven and leave and I could do it I mean if the things changed I was prepared to do it before I met Lee I was at that dealership around the corner where the train is I was applying there if I would have passed the pistas and I would have sold three cars I would have got into it. I don't think I would have gave up comedy because Fuck I had so much time invested. We have when you work hard That's the other thing when people walk away. I always doubt them. I go They didn't put the work right because once you work hard at something you can't and that's like I told Lee

Lee used to juice But when Lee found out that he had to go to the fucking he used he lost 60 pounds and he put back 80 in two weeks But when Lee went over to now when me and Lee are coming home and I'll fuck with him I go Lee. What do you want? Do you want to go to McDonald's? I'm Leo telling me no, you know why because Lee got on that elliptical For 60 minutes a day for six days a week this fucking moron got on there And you smell the sweat you smell the big max coming out of you You smell the gyros and the big max and now you know with these people that juice. Oh my god

I'll drink carrot juice for a month and lose 80 pounds. You didn't put no effort in You just fucking drank fucking stomach juice. You might as well suck a dick and swallow a load. It's the same difference You know anybody could it's the motherfuckers that put the time in I've been I've been losing a pound a week I've been losing a pound a week for the last three months a pound a week here You put a half a pound on you put but I'm down at 298 297. That's great. And that's better than me telling you Oh, no, no, I'm I'm doing this new uh the work The work that's why when you were a kid, what do your math teacher say? I want to see the work

I want to see the work that never changed in your life. Yeah, your math teacher died And went in a six foot fucking casket But the the the the fucking that whole wording never changed in our lives Which is I want to see the work. Yeah, so if I don't so that's how I that's in the back of my head every day For me to be a better comic it all starts with this pen My wife said something to me the other day my wife going to walk home We walk the kid to school my wife goes, you know, what's crazy? I don't feel bad for people no more than a complaint She goes because for eight years. I saw you on that computer 10 hours a day struggling

She goes, I remember you fucking calling me and I could see in your eyes your blood pressure because you didn't know what to do I was a computer illiterate But once we took to it you showed me a few things You know how many comics are at home sitting there because they're 50 like me and they won't get on a computer It's like a martian thing to them. Yeah, and me. I believe in evolving comedy evolved You and I evolved or if not, we would have been gone We saw a podcast We got two mics on a fucking turntable like that black kid all of them and we started fucking spinning with two turntables in a mic

Fuck that's how you know Comedy's hard, you know I'm really happy you came on today because I always we talked about this on the phone That you said, you know, at least we're still here You know anybody who can move to LA anybody can get spots at the improv Sure anybody could get spots at the lab factory and get a deal But to stay here And bang it out. Sometimes I feel bad about myself and I'm like, wait a second. You know, I'm still here

I'm still getting spots and you got to do it because you love it. I fucking love it and I complained to lee I don't want to do this. I couldn't just sit at home this thursday's this wednesday's I go lee. I got to be honest with you I don't want to go to fucking New york, but what the fuck am I doing here? I already did it the last three days. I've done it. I've written I sent emails. I made appointments Tomorrow, I'm gonna go give blood in the morning. I'm going to higgins. I got my day all planned out already Eight o'clock. This is a blood request. I got november I'm fulfilling it and fucking the last day of july. That's how I roll

Who procrastinates more about needles than me. That's quick for you. Yeah, that's quick for me But I got a physical on the 18th. That's the finger in the ass. I loved that one That's the finger in the ass the long x-ray Does he like grab pull your hair and say shut up? No, this motherfucker Listen, the finger in the ass is the roughest thing you'll encounter especially if you're not a freak when you bend over The first three years it was traumatizing and when I got on testosterone for a while I got on testosterone the doctor was kinky, but he sent me to his partner who was the real deal

That guy shoved his finger up my ass and left it there and started talking to me That's the whole time I went on and I had shit in my ass I know when he pulled it out the bottom finger had shit on it, you know, but he had the glove on He just turns it around and throws it away. I remember going home just canceling the rest of the fucking day It was horrible But you got to do it Listen, man, people tell you that that colon cancer eats you alive in a couple fucking weeks And in today's world with all the fucking gizmos and gto's and

All the shit that's going on you got to fucking check it out, man And the blood I told it for years women bleed every month. That's why they don't die from heart attack We fucking don't bleed every month. We die from heart attack. So if you're scared of that go donate blood I don't donate shit because you got to donate too much. You got to give them like 16 ounces I ain't got that type of time. That's 16 feint things. You understand me? I only got one feint thing a fucking month and 16 Yeah, 16 ounces is 16 feint things, bro I could never give away sick and look at the bag while you're pumping it

You ever go to that fucking holy crow or whatever I have but I can't I can't look at the blood I just pump my hand. I just look away and then they say, okay, you're done and that's oh my god It's horrific. But tomorrow I bring my little iPod put santan on There you go. This is a good one tomorrow. This is a good one because I could eat Oh, see those are the good ones when you could eat. This is arthritis in my knee They just want to see so you could eat the one on the 18th. You got to so I got to stay up late That's how I do and I could eat eight hours before So at midnight I'll eat like a motherfucker and I'll get up like at six and shoot right downtown

I always see him at 8 30 and he knows me already. So when I walk in I want to give him the blood quick Let's get that I bring a sandwich And a fucking orange juice right there with me like a little Hershey bar to put the sugar back in your blood and shit real quickly Let me give some fucking sponsors and we'll get the fuck out of here First of all first and foremost On it for all your fucking health needs From shroom tech to alpha brain to the hemp protein powder. You can't fucking lose guys You cannot lose some of the best stuff. I take that shroom tech. I went back on it on Monday

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So you got on it dot com for your health You got nature box dot com for your nutrition and you got me on these so your balls and your ass Oh smell fucking tremendous and not only that they're comfortable. They're tight and they fit great Okay, and don't forget to go to iron dragon dot com and you go too. You can see all your fucking sword movies They got the one-armed swordsman on there iron dragon tv dot com for the best classic martial arts films Go there right now and press in joey and get two free movies. All right Graham Always a pleasure. We go back to the Jeff Gatlin days when they called our crew

Batman's villains Me you jimmy shuber with carla bow. We had a fuck. Yeah, that's fun. We walked into the improv and the Gentiles ran away What do you got going on? You know, uh, los angeles podcast festival september 18th to the 20th No road work before then me. I got uh, I got so what do I got coming up? I've got uh Something in Kansas City like uh 14th and 15th of august uh headline in the improv in Lake Tahoe that's august 19 through 23

And then got some more stuff leading up to the festival So just go to grand melwood.com get my podcast comedy film nerds and grand melwood. That's uh at twitter Instagram it's at grand melwood all that shit grand melwood.com for all the information you need the podcast the fucking dates Whatever you want to stab and you want to lick his nuts. Whatever you want. Send them a note on there The podcast festival is really fun. The podcast is a good time. I just been out of town the last three years We're gonna get you in we're gonna get you in you guys call me a month before without further ado I'll be in dc august 13th to the 15th taping the cd. So I need all the help I get if you're in the area come on down Uh, and then I'm gonna be in las vegas taping the special september 18th 19th and 20th

And on a gotham september 24th and 25th or something like that friday and satay check the fucking schedule Stop being lazy and come out to toronto the live flying gi radio at the underground the 14th and the podcast seminar on the 15th at the comedy bar I love you motherfucker. See you monday night stay black. Have a great weekend. Remember uncle joey loves you at all It's hard Don't forget to follow grand melwood and if you go to one of the shows let them know you heard them on this Podcast give me some love bring them a joint And bring them like whatever fucking vegan dish

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