Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #306 - Eddie Bravo

Episode Date: August 6, 2015

Eddie Bravo, Owner of 10th Planet Jiu Jitsu , joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio.   The Fourth Eddie Bravo Invitational takes place August 15, 2015 at the Orpheum Theatre in Los Angeles, CA.   All info can be found here: http://www.eddiebravoinvitational.com/   This podcast is brought to you by:   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   
NatureBox. Visit naturebox.com/joey for a box on them.   MeUndies.com Go to meundies.com/joey for 20% off.   Recorded live on 08/05/2015.
   Music:
 You Better Run -  Pat BenatarI Was Made For Lovin' You - Kiss

This show is brought to you by Blue Apron. Blue Apron sends gourmet recipes and all the fresh ingredients you need to make them right to your door. Our listeners get their first two meals free. Just go to blueapron.com slash joey and start cooking incredible meals at home with Blue Apron. Blueapron.com slash joey. Show is also brought to you by naturebox.com.

Go to naturebox.com and get great tasting healthy snacks sent right to your door. Start snacking smarter with healthy and delicious treats like dark cocoa almonds. Support this podcast by ordering, by going to naturebox.com slash joey and when you go to naturebox.com slash joey, they're gonna send you your first box on them.

That's naturebox.com slash joey and you're gonna get your first box on naturebox. Show is also brought to you by meondies.com. Go to meondies.com slash joey and check out the pics of the men's and women's underwear. They have t-shirts, sweatshirts, sweatpants, all the great products. When you go to meondies.com slash joey,

you're gonna get 20% off of your first order and they're also offering free shipping in the United States and Canada. And go to onit.com and use code word church to get 10% off all of the great optimization products like Alphabrain, New Mood, Shroom Tech Immune, Shroom Tech Sport and Strongbone. It's code word church to get 10% off.

Oh shit. August 5th, 6th. I don't know what the fuck it is. Don't matter. Oh shit, little patty beefy. The church of what's happening now. The flying Jew, Eddie Bravo. It's a beautiful Wednesday afternoon.

And the best thing is, you better run top suffers. Uncle Joey's here. What? Let's do this shit. What's up dog? You got me really high. I don't even know what you call it. The sandwiches with the weed and the.

Does it matter, Hash? We just smoke. It doesn't really matter. We just smoke, we look around. I've stopped asking questions. To answer your question we were talking about off camera there. I get a thousand requests a week for guests.

I don't know how these fucking people, I don't know them. I don't know what's gonna happen once I get them in a. For sure, if you don't know the guests. I don't know these people. But people that you like, who are your favorite people? Right. People who you want to interview,

whether the world listens or not, people that you just want to talk to. No, like in Joe's case. Joe loves this podcast. Joe loves doing J.R.E. He fucking loves it. He enjoys it. He goes in there, he takes his fucking new brains.

And he fucking talks for fucking hours. You understand me? He likes that shit. But I'll tell you what, the first time Joe gets a call from a publicist and they tell him that their actor is running late, so you gotta remember, a lot of people wanna come on here

and they wanna promote a book or something. It's not a TV show. This ain't fucking The Tonight Show. This ain't fucking The Tonight Show where, hold on, let's go for a clip and you gotta giggle and you gotta look at the host and make believe you give a fuck about Martians or whatever the fuck movie you want.

That's the difference with a podcast. I don't wanna have to do that. I don't wanna have to do that. It's kinda like the same approach you take to sponsors. Like even, let's say, I don't know, Zach Galifianakis wanted to come promote a movie on here. I don't know, maybe you take him, but you know who I'm talking about.

Someone who you might not be a huge fan of or even you might not just connect with, even though it would be a good get for a podcast. If I probably would be a good podcast. And you have a nice story? I'm into fucking stories. I want you to come in here with a fucking story for me. You know what I'm saying?

That's what, and a lot of those people, and I know Joe, I tell people all the time, man, when you sit next to Joe on a plane, which you've done, that's the best conversation you get with him. We know how he is. I know how he is, and I'm the same way. I don't tolerate half these motherfuckers. I wanna have them come in and, you know,

if it's an actor, like a popular actor, you know what time it is, it's gonna happen. They're gonna call it four, they're running late. They're coming from the west side. I don't give a fuck. Where you coming from? Four o'clock is fucking four o'clock. So we already know what time it is on Jump Street.

I know by the email, if I get a publicist hitting me up, I don't wanna talk to that motherfucker. What if Joe Pesci wanted to come on? Then I'll put him on, but I have something in common. I like his movies. You know what I'm saying? I know his story. I was telling somebody the other day

that one of the purest comedy films that you'll ever see is Easy Money. Because yeah, Trains, Planes, and Automobiles is a funny fucking movie, but they're two trained type of guys. What's his name? John Candy was in that Canadian improv troupe, and fucking what?

Hasn't Steve, whatever, Martin been in. He's done a bunch of shit. He acted before and stuff. Joe Pesci was running a restaurant when he got the fucking call for Raging Bull. Did you know that? He was running a fucking restaurant. He couldn't even believe Danira was on the fucking phone

asking him. He couldn't fucking believe it. He was running a restaurant. What do you think he was at Juilliard? Jumping up and down, doing fucking ballet? Or taking an acting class in Los Angeles? He's a real dude. What was Rodney Dangerfield doing?

Rodney Dangerfield was, the reason why Rodney Dangerfield hit so hard was because he wasn't hitting and he got a job. He got a job selling aluminum siding or some shit. But for those seven years when he wasn't doing comedy, he wrote all those fucking jokes. He wrote all those one-liners. So when they knocked on his door,

he already had 10 notebooks. So every time you saw Rodney, the next 10 pro appearances, he had six new minutes of material. People thought he was fucking, this is amazing. And not just material. Shit that was killing you. But the point being that, guess the hard Eddie. Guess the very fucking hard.

Guess the, it's hard, it's hard doing this. 50% of the times they cancel. They wanna talk about something fucked up. They wanna bring in a midget. They wanna come in costume. I don't want that. They wanna bring in a midget? Well, whatever the fuck they wanna do.

I like interesting people. I'd rather get a fucking, that black homeless dude by my house is the most interesting guy in that life. He won't take money from me. So many times I tried to give that dude $5 and said, dog, go get a lunch. It's fucking 90 degrees and you're sitting under this tunnel.

And I've been with the baby pushing around the neighborhood. And I try to give that, that guy won't take a cent from me. Listen to that guy's etiquette when he speaks. Next time you're on channel and you see a black guy pushing a cart between Laurel Canyon and like fucking violent, pull over. Offer that guy a $10 bill. What's his story?

He was a fucking engineer. He was married. I talked to him one day. And I'm like, I get it. I get what this guy's doing. He just wants to shut up from the world. His wife died. He just turned his lights off from the world.

No communication with him. Sounds like a movie with Denzel Washington. Which one? No. Oh, I'm just. No, dog, it would be because I've had, I haven't seen him in about two weeks. He's always by the park on Magnolia and Noho there

where we go for the trucks on Thursday night. He's on the other side. He cleans up in there in the daytime. He's got his little shopping cart. He's always dressed well, his fucking hair. He has no body odor. He brushes his teeth in the water fountain. He just turned himself off to life.

That guy's more interesting than some guy coming in here telling me, you know, dropping names and shit like that. I don't want to hear that shit. You know, I don't want to fucking hear that shit. Not at this point in my fucking life. This is why podcasting is so good and podcasting is so important. This is why, because how many times can you

watch Jimmy fucking Fallon, even though I like Jimmy Fallon? People knock Jimmy Fallon. He brought some fucking air into that 11 o'clock spot. He really did. People got mad at Jay Leno, but I mean, what Jimmy Fallon's doing a great job. I mean, they would have kicked him off if he wasn't doing.

I think he's doing a great fucking job. I think that now at least the show's fucking bubbly. It's not three guys sitting there looking at each other making believe like I'm fucking interested. You know, after a while you can't make believe you're interested. Jay Leno had so much money at the end. I can't believe he was interested.

He was a fucking sleeper. And the other guy was just too fucking old, even though there's gotta be an age. You think that's what it is? You think it was too old? Let him in at the end. He was four years over his time period. Let him in and he should have left.

And he was making money, guys. He's making eight, nine million a year. 20 fucking years. You put away some type of fucking dough, correct? I don't think so. What's up with you, Tarzan? You're sitting there all depressed like some fucking statue, like a Jiu-Jitsu statue.

You know, someday there's gonna be a Jiu-Jitsu statue. Did you think about that? You really fucking think. The first time you went to John Johns, did you ever think that there would be an EBI? No. Okay then, then what the fuck? I didn't think that I would be teaching

Jiu-Jitsu for a living. I was like the furthest thing from my mind. It was all about music, man. I was 32, 33, and 10th planet wasn't even a thought in my head. And it wasn't until I quit my job at the strip club that I had for 10 years to write for the man show with Joe. When I did that, I thought, oh shit, you know,

here we go, here comes the big time. I told everybody, I was like basically delusional. I thought, you know, fuck this strip club DJ job. I'm out, it's time to blow up. I'm gonna write for the man show. And then from day one, it was a nightmare. From day one, I thought, oh shit, I fucked up. I shouldn't have quit the DJ job, man.

From day one, there was so much bullshit. You experienced all that shit. And that's when I started really analyzing what the fuck I was gonna do. I thought, man, this show's gonna get canceled and then I'm not gonna have a job. And I'm gonna be 33 years old without a job. What the fuck, you know?

I was never suicidal, but I understood why people hung themselves and jumped off bridges and shit. I understood that shit. I would never do it, but I understood. I'm like, wow, I'm 33 years old. And all I had going was that I had a free trip to Brazil for Abu Dhabi. That's all I had, you know.

I was gonna go compete. But I against a bunch of black belt legends that I thought was just gonna get crushed anyways. But that was the only bright spot in my life. In three months, I get to go to Brazil and Joe was going. Joe went. And I didn't know what I was gonna do when I got back. I didn't, I knew the show was gonna get canceled.

There was no way that show was not gonna get canceled. It was terrible. And the head writer was a complete douchebag. You dealt with him. I don't know if you ever talked about on your podcast. You, me and you both were in that man world or that man show Fiasco, that nightmare. And went to Abu Dhabi, tapped out Hoyler

and came back. And I really didn't think it was gonna be a big deal cause I got crushed the next match against Leo Vieira. He completely smashed me, shut me down. I went like, I went in the Super Bowl, but then 45 minutes later, I get it all taken away from. It's like someone gives you a million dollars and you know that million dollars is gonna get taken away.

Cause I knew who was next. And I was already worried about him. Like, holy shit, this guy's a fucking animal. Oh shit, I was very, very worried. Where's Leo now? He's teaching. He's the head of checkmat Jiu-Jitsu. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's very, I don't know where he lives, but I know there's a checkmat in La Habra. Lucas Schlech, he runs that one. I don't know where Leo Vieira is exactly. Maybe he's in Brazil. I'm not sure, but he's- Lucas Latis, that's his name. Lucas Lach.

And is that the guy that does that sweep? Lucas Lach is your sweep? He does a lot of half-cards, he plays a lot of half-cards. He probably has a million half-guard sweeps in competition. What was it like going to Brazil? Cause like the last UFC was in Brazil, and you can just, I don't know what they're saying, but you can hear them chanting

whenever the Brazilian's doing well. Yeah, they do that in Brazil. It comes from Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu matches, I think, or maybe it might be a soccer thing, but when I went to the Worlds out there in 2000, this was three years before, as a purple belt, man, they get together and they have some chants. They bring drums.

They don't just walk. They bring congos and they're playing drums and they got these songs and these chants and shit. Yeah, they're pretty intense, man. How could, I mean, like in your fighting, or people always say Jiu-Jitsu player, but your match is against, like trying to go play baseball against Babe Ruth,

it seems like. Yeah, yeah, it was crazy. And they're playing those fucking drums, and like, how do you even warm up? You're like, yeah, I'm gonna set myself up while I can hear their fucking drums and war chants. No, the weird thing was my very first match was against a black belt in that tournament,

and I beat him. He never brought any heat on me, and I beat him pretty easily, and that gave me a lot of confidence, and I knew Hoyler was next. And generally, anytime I see someone that isn't as strong as me, they're skinnier than me, that gives me a lot of confidence,

and I feel like, man, the odds are that you're skinnier than me. I feel mentally that I could beat you pretty easily. So, before Hoyler, I looked at him on the other side of the mat, and I just saw the skinny guy, and it was my hero. He was an idol of mine, it's Hoyler Gracie.

Gracie in action tapes, he was the most aggressive. I loved Hoyler, but I felt that I was stronger than him, so, but real quick, I found out that I was wrong. He was stronger than me. Even though he was skinny, he basically controlled me the whole match, and I think I scored, maybe I swept him once, and I don't know if I got points.

I know I swept him once, but I think it was before points counted, I forget. I think they were counted. And then at the very end, out of my ass, I pulled out a triangle setup that Jean-Jacques Machado, my master taught me, and it was so unconscious, I didn't even know how I got him. I had to watch the replay, and I'm like,

oh, that's the setup I use. I didn't even remember it happening so quick, and I beat him, so Joe Rogan's going nuts, we're walking backstage, and the walk backstage after that match is all on video, it's on YouTube, and Joe's freaking, I go, dude, you just tapped on Hoyler Gracie, he can't believe it, and I'm walking,

and I'm thinking about Leo Vieira's next. It's like, I already knew, because in the Abu Dhabi before, he went with Jean-Jacques, and Jean-Jacques beat him on points, but he couldn't tap him, so that freaked me. I'm like, man, because Jean-Jacques wrecks me, and I thought, if Jean-Jacques couldn't finish that dude,

that dude must be really, really good. So even though I beat Hoyler, I was already thinking of my next match, so I was like, dude, you won a million dollars, what are you gonna do? And if you knew that someone was gonna come take that million, like some gangsters, and you owed a million, you wouldn't be that happy,

even though you won a million dollars, so that's the attitude I had. I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I tapped Hoyler, but man, Leo Vieira's next, he's gonna kill all this, he's gonna destroy all this happiness, man. It's like, winning the Super Bowl, and you're in the locker room, drinking champagne, and they go, dude, you gotta go out and win it again,

you gotta do it again. That's how I felt, like, fuck, I gotta, it didn't really mean that much, but when I got back home, people made more, were focusing more on that, and how big of an upset it was, and this and that, and Larry, you remember Larry, he said, dude, walk off that show.

That show's making you crazy. They're gonna get canceled anyways, walk off right now. I'll help you buy mats, and we'll open up a school. And I thought about it, and I'm like, fuck, yeah. That's what I'm gonna do. I fucking walked off that mass show. I quit, I called Joe, and never forget that phone call, because he really fought tooth and nail to get me in.

They didn't wanna hire me, and that was where the root of the problems were. They didn't wanna hire me, Joe made them hire me. Joe fucking forced them down their throats. Forced me down their throats. So when I told, yeah, basically, same thing. So just to touch on that. The man show.

Do you, when you, I mean, you were a Dave Chappelle show fan. I, Dave Chappelle, my favorite. From the beginning. From the beginning. Okay. So when you heard, and because most people heard all these rumors, when you heard that Dave Chappelle had a beef with Comedy Central,

you already knew how hard it is to deal with these people. Yeah. How hard, like that. Most people, oh, he's on crack. He's this, he's that. He went, and I've always said this, that, you know, a lot of stand-ups, like Tim Allen. Tim Allen's a fucking stand-up.

Never take that away from him. Yeah, he had the TV show when he was goofy and all that. But there's a fucking showtime tape from early on, when he does a bit about going to the dentist and eating Oreos and sour cream and fucking, he ties his mouth up at night. So when he goes to the dentist, birds fly out and shit. There's a fucking bit.

And you know, he was on blow. He went to jail, he came out, ABC gave him the show. And after a couple years, he went to rehab, you know. He got all fucked up again. And I heard to the great, it's, it's, you're a comic. You're a fucking, it's like right now, okay. ABC wants to do a show about Jiu-Jitsu. And they come in and they throw a lot of money at you.

And the first season's a successful show. I don't know what the fuck it's about, Eddie. It's just you, Jiu-Jitsu, eight fucking contestants in the house, they drown each other. Whatever the fuck it is. The show hits number one. Now it's number two, they come in. The show's already number one.

It's a success, Eddie Bravo. Number one show of the summer. Oh my God, eight o'clock slot on a fucking Thursday night, tremendous. But all of a sudden they come in and they start telling you shit. They start telling you what you can't do. We don't like the comorra when you pull it back

and your leg goes up because it's a sexual position. Can you not do comorras no more? You know, I'm just making this shit up. You understand what I'm trying to say to you. The first year of that, you'll take it. You'll take it if you have nine fucking kids and you're behind the eight ball. You'll take that fucking money,

you'll swallow your pride, and more and more every day you become, what type of apprehension do you hold for that job? You fucking hate it. Every day when you pull in, you park in your parking lot, you gotta think three times before you go to fucking there. That's what happens to people. Most people don't have the balls to say,

I'm not doing this no more. It's over, like Zombo. Remember that episode of the Munsters with Zombo? When Eddie Munster busted him out and Zombo said, I quit, you did me a favor. I didn't wanna do this anyway. I'm a fucking actor. They got me dressed up like a monster.

That's what happened to Chappelle that he brought. Same thing. I never believed none of those stories. I knew that he was a comic genius and they sent some kids in there to tell him what the fuck to do. And eventually they're like, what bitch? Wait a second.

I'll go on the road and shut the lights out at every venue because he can't. He demands that he's that fucking funny. Why is he gonna put up with them? It takes a lot for somebody to walk away from a fucking TV show. Takes a fucking lot. And you knew what a disaster was from day one.

I never saw more hypocritical motherfuckers. That's the first time I learned about what hypocrisy really was. I knew it existed. It's like racism. You know it exists, but nobody's ever called you a spick. And then one day somebody's true colors come out. I hate all you Spanish motherfuckers.

Me, I don't get pissed. When somebody says they like Trump, I love Trump. I don't give a fuck if he hates fucking Spanish people. I'd say it's a fucking problem. I love him. I love what the fuck he's talking about. He's challenging people. He's fucking up the mold.

They don't know what to do with him. They don't know what he's scaring people. Every day they wake up and go, this fucking guy's number one. And he's fucking insulting everybody because he's telling the truth. He's fucking talking craziness. What was I talking about?

I'm stoned. No, I didn't. I'm not sure. Anyway, that's the truth. You can't tell. No, no, we're talking about those networks. Who the fuck? It's like us doing this for a network right now.

Do you think we could get away with half of this? No. Do you think we'd get away with smoking a joint, a topic, so whatever? Go right back to being what the fuck everything is. Cookie cutter. But that was a horrible fucking day for me that day. That was, I remember the whole day.

I remember them bringing me how much they were gonna pay me and me going, me giving it to Joe's man. He's like, I don't want that. He's like, yeah, that's what they're gonna pay you. That's entry level. What? I'm taking my clothes off and running around naked with the fucking three bills?

Are you fucking crazy? And finally, Joe's like, okay, I'll take K out of my pot. All right, then we'll run around naked, but this number's fucking low here, dawg. They wanted you to start the man show with you running out on stage naked and then saying, let's get the party started. Party started.

Yeah, and then you run off. And that was Joe's idea, and that's hilarious, and they didn't want to do it. The producers, the executive producers, the comedy central heads were filming the show live. I'm one of 10 writers, we're there on the side and we're watching this all unfold, and they're having a meltdown.

They're like trying to, they're trying to, just started like a normal show, I guess they just come out and the crowd's yelling and they're pointing out to the crowd, and then they wanted them to do just the normal thing, and Joe's like, no, Joe put his fucking foot down. Because they told Joe that before he signed, that he wanted to make sure he goes,

if I sign, he's already on Fear Factor. He was on Fear Factor, there was no reason for him to do the man show at all. He's on NBC, why the hell would he do the man show? Well, me and him wrote about 20 sketches, and our plan was, it's somehow like, pitch a sketch comedy show like a Dave Chappelle show. Me and Joe wrote a bunch of sketches,

so Joe calls me up one day and says, hey, dude, guess what? The man show is gonna keep going without Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Carolla, and they want me to host it. And he goes, what do you think? I go, oh, shit, we can get all our sketches. Fuck, yeah, this is perfect. So Joe was like, we did it, we did it, we're gonna do this.

So Joe thought, but Joe sat him down and verbally got agreement, it's like, if I do this show, I wanna have absolute power to veto any sketches and to push all my sketches through. I wanna hire whoever the fuck I want as a writer, because we wanna hire Maddie Kirsch, Chris, Chris McGuire and me, and maybe a couple other guys too. Those are the only three, he had like five or whatever.

Right, he had five. They had to put one of that guys in and then they gave him the head writer. Well, the problem was, the problem was, and he goes, and I wanna be the guy that hires the head writer, I wanna okay that. So they tried out a couple head writers and Joe was just, they were just like telling Joe

whatever he wanted to hear, whatever he wanted to hear to sign, so finally he says, fucking, he signed, and as soon as he signed, everything fucking changed. Everything changed. But the thing is, before he signed, he did pick the head writer, that was Tom Giannis. And that was, Joe, they went to dinner and Joe okayed him and said, that's a cool dude,

I like that dude, he could be the head writer. So that guy ends up signing in his contract that he's, he got an executive producer spot too. So not only is he the head writer, but he snuck in an executive producer spot. So he had power, now he has a lot of power. He has power to move Joe around and tell Joe what to do.

So all of a sudden, Joe is in the man's show. He did have the power to hire his partner. They were like, they even suggested a Dane Cook and Joe picked Doug Stanhope, obviously. That was, you know, they're really good friends. And, but once he signed, man, everything changed, man. They were like, they didn't wanna hire me. They go, okay, let's go.

And he goes, we're gonna hire Chris McGuire and Maddie Kirsch and that's it. And he goes, what about Eddie Braffin? He goes, that guy has no TV experience. Like he doesn't have any writing. He goes, Joe's like, wait a minute. We have 30 sketches. You know, we wrote them together

and they said, no, we're not gonna hire him. And Joe's like, fuck you. Then Joe got crazy with them. Crazy on the phone, yelling at him. Like, dude, I'll fucking walk off this goddamn motherfucking show. You think I don't wanna fucking walk out? You guys fucking lied to me.

You guys fucking lied to me. You're hiring Eddie Bravo and that's fucking, that's the end of it. And then they finally decided, okay, okay, okay, hire this motherfucker and we'll just ignore him. So they hired me and, man, from day one, I got like the cold shoulder from everybody.

Day one, day one. And they put us in rooms. I was in a room with a couple of riders and they go, the subject today is Miami. Remember we're gonna go to Miami? Oh, those are the worst sketches of all time. They put me in a pool with a raft with naked women and we were swimming in Cuba in the pool with a beard.

It was a pool race and they were gonna shoot the other thing and then in Miami there was heat. Then in Miami there was beef because the directors wanted me to shoot something but Joe's like, you ain't shooting it. You ain't shooting it. I'm like, but no, you ain't shooting it. This is my fucking show.

There was heat from every level. We had a great time in Miami. Then we came back and we had to shoot the shit down there. They called me at 10 in the morning, six o'clock shoot. Every fucking scumbag in the comedy division is there. People that are still around. Everybody who was a scumbag in comedy was involved with this show.

I get that, I don't wanna look at nobody. And the whole time I'm thinking, how can I get myself out of this? You think I'm kidding you, the whole fucking time. And I'm pacing and Joe's my friend and it's the last thing you wanna do. I'm one of those guys that Eddie Bravo calls me and goes, I want you to announce something.

I'll pay you 500 bucks. I have to do it because I never wanna be laying in a room when I broke going, I should have done that thing for $500. So at that time I go, let me do this thing. And I saw a security guard, a black security guard at the end of the thing. And I went up to him like a man, I go, listen, it's Saturday, what can I smoke some reefer?

And he goes right over there, nobody will say nothing to you. He goes, you mind if I take a hit? And I got the security guard high. I didn't even think about it, it's what I do, man. If I see somebody lonely, come here, come here. You gonna sit there with a fucking baton on a Saturday in this 90 degree, come here. Let's make your time, I got him high.

And then I had to go back in the office and everybody who came in was a douchebag. So we did a run through with my clothes on. Like they do the thing and I run through and that's it. And they're clapping and they're loving it. And Tom Giannis is telling me how he's gonna fucking love it. This is the director now, Tom Giannis guys.

And all of a sudden, more of these fucking douchebags from Comedy Central show up, the heavy brass who thinks that they fucking know everything and they don't know dick. They're just a bunch of gentiles walking around scared like the rest of these motherfuckers. And the next thing you know, the chick says, no, you can't run down naked and Joe's face got fucking red.

He wasn't bald then, but in a minute, the fucking follicles were gonna come flying out of his head. He was pissed, Joe. And I wasn't as pissed like I'm like, thank God I'm off the hook. I'll tell you what got me mad, that there was a wall, like a very thin wall and there were these girls dancing on the top.

Remember there was girls dancing with like pasties or something? The juggies. The juggies. Yeah, the juggies. Remember when I brought that freak to audition that time from San Diego, the dick sucker and anyway, son. That's right. I remember that.

I brought a professional dick sucker, though. This shit was crazy. Yeah, they had auditions for juggies. The one in like the convertible or something? Yeah, yeah, that bitch that pulled the period. She pulled the fucking thing on and started masturbating on the couch one night. In front of three guys, we smoked, we're doing blowing.

She just pulls her period pad out and just starts playing with a little pussy with the fuse. She puts the fuse right next to it, the little bloody thing, like a fucking mouse next to that dirty bitch. This chick was a freak with a capital P-H. But back to Tom Giannis. I'm sitting there and I hear Tom Giannis,

who is a fucking great guy. At this point, I just met him and he's like, Joey, we're gonna do this, it's gonna be great. You're gonna hit it out of the park. Maybe we'll get you to do every show. He's a great guy. Guess what, I go to a wall and I'm not a peeping Tom dog.

I go to a wall and I hear him talking to the chick from Comedy Central. And she's going, he can't do it. She's saying to him that Joey Diaz cannot walk out naked. We will pull the plug and he's like, I've told Joe a thousand times. I don't like the idea myself. I don't even want a fat guy running around naked.

I don't like that kid. Right there, I heard him. Now, my old school would've got him. I said, let me not say nothing. I don't say nothing. Nothing, he pops out. Hey, how you doing? Oh, this is gonna be great.

Now I got him. Now he's talking shit. Well, guess what? Joe Sussman, everybody's fighting. It's a fight, it's horrible. There's people in the stands. We're 10 minutes away from starting the show. And I go up to Joe and I go,

listen, I'm picking up my clothes. Why talk about this? Don't talk, don't say nothing. Just take off your fucking clothes. And I took off my clothes. I didn't even put the robe on. And I just went up to the director or whatever. The guy and I go, let's do this.

Let's do a run group. And they stood there and I was balls ass naked, 350 pounds, dogs. Of fat, no shape, no muscle tone, nothing. And I ran out there with my dick, hairy, the turtleneck and didn't run off and that fucking place went bananas. There was a bunch of kids.

They went nuts. And now I'm looking at these, as I'm walking, laughing, because I'm not laughing from what I did. I didn't think what I did was funny. I thought of the reaction of the audience and these fucking dumb fucks that wouldn't know. Listen, would I have a fat guy open up my fucking show?

I don't know. But you know what, man, at that time, what the fuck? It's the man show, right? It's the fucking man show. What a mental, mental fat, I don't give a fuck. I looked and I saw all these gentiles with suits on. Looking the other way. Looking the other way.

But I saw 150 people on their feet yelling. And at the end, that's what comedy is. And that's what these motherfuckers have never understood. They want thought provoking comedy. There's no thought provoking comedy. When somebody farts, you giggle. Unless you're a fucking Mormon. If somebody farts, you always giggle.

If you fart by mistake, do you not giggle? Fuck yeah. When you fart in bed with your wife at night, do you not giggle? We all do, because you know she's got an illness. Especially if it's a quiet fucking fart. These people were stone faced. Like they've never, but the audience is the money.

So now I make the turn, they give me a robe. I put the robe on. I go to where my pants are. And I walk out into the fucking thing. And that's when Tom Giannis comes up to me in the hallway. And I look him straight in the face. And before he could say something, I said, don't say nothing.

I heard what you told. I cut behind the curtain. And after the shoot, I'm gonna fucking tell Joe. And he goes, fuck you, you're fired. And that's when I took the swing at him. And he went down and he ran to Sussman. You hit him, you connected? He ran to Sussman.

He ran like a little fag to Sussman. Told Sussman and Judy Brown, all those fucking humps that he was gonna fire me. And I'm like, you ain't firing nobody. Joe's the boss of this fucking set. Get the fuck out of my face. Oh, please, you know me, I hate those people. I live to fuck them people and say,

I just did Josh Wolfshell and the same handful of scumbags were there. Just a different, same handful of douchebags. They're all a comedy clique. And that's what they, and they all lie and they talk stupidity. It's the same logical fucking jerks. So when I told Tom that, I heard what you said.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Listen, I heard what you told that fucking stupid cunt. Don't fucking even think about it when Joe gets off. I'm gonna tell him, and that's when he goes, you're fired. I drew like a kick out of my spit out. You don't beat dog, and he ran. And then they wanted me to apologize to him to keep my job.

I'm like, I apologize to him. Sussman walking me off the lot. They threw me off the lot. That would make a great cartoon, huh? But the guy was sitting pouting. He wouldn't go back into building until they fired me. He wouldn't press charges for me taking the swing at him. But then when I went over, he went to buy,

I wouldn't put his, I'd call him a cunt. I told him, you're a fucking cunt, what you did. You're a piece of shit, and they know now. You're a piece of shit. I heard what you said. You're a piece of shit, like the rest of these fucking muts out of you. You're a piece of shit, and that was the end of that.

I got fired. Ever since that time, I'm not crazy. I do that thing for Ari, but even that bothers me. When I go down there, they know not to say two words to me, and I won't say two words to them. Last year, when they started giving me a little resistance, I said, no, I'm done. I'm not doing it.

Tell them, Ari, I'm not doing it. And then they leaned up on me. I don't need the aggravation. Because if I go down and you say something to me, I don't want to hear. When I go in the Comedy Central, they don't even look at me, any problem. It's hilarious.

But it makes no difference to me. I can tell that's what they think or whatever. Do you regret throwing the punch? Fuck no. I would throw it again and take my dick out again and run down the man's show again. No, fuck no. We had rock or obesity in here.

When the people came in and tried to fuck with Pry at that time in the dressing room, remember they told him that he was doing too much blow and the fucking people, you gotta stick up for yourself. And when you stick up for yourself, you got two options. They might let you go because people in this town don't like when you stick up for yourself.

You know, those people that have those long running shows, if you go on those sets, they become mummies after a fucking while. They got bills, they got a wife now, that's had a certain way of living. Now they're in a hole. Now they gotta take the abuse. Now they gotta fake that smile every morning.

This is so funny. This ain't funny. I wiped my ass with half this shit. I want to see Mission Impossible or whatever the other day. I don't even know what the movie was about. It was fucking garbage. It was fucking garbage. Did you see what this fucking guy said two weeks ago?

That cinema is the worst it's been in 50 years. And it really is. It really is. When you go to a movie now, you walk out the movie. You don't even know what the movie's about. You're like, this is horrible. This is horrible. We get it fed to us.

But after you leave there, you're like, what did I just see? I don't remember a movie I saw the last two years. Not a fucking movie, including Grudge Match. X McKina was good. That was really good. X Machina. Somebody else told me that. It's like a Twilight Zone.

It's not a happy ending. Yeah, I like movies that, I don't like comic book movies and shit like that. I ain't gonna go see No Avengers. I'm sorry about that. I think. Most of your fans probably like that. I can't fuck with that.

No, no, no, because they know. I don't believe that. That was so terrible. Listen, Ant Man, Scum Man. If you're over eight and you go to the movies to see that, do me a favor, go to Kmart, get the gun, and shoot yourself in the mouth. Because I just can't tolerate no more.

Then you realize why you got problems in your life and why you're a jerk off and why you're hanging, why you're friends with jerk off. Because think of what you're going to see. Think of the thought you have in your mind. They're even going down there. Even fucking going down there. The first five of those movies was cute.

The first Iron Man cute. After that, stop. Stop. That man was cute. Now they're coming up with heroes. You never even fucking heard of them. You never even heard of fucking Ant Man. I'm 50 years old.

I don't know. What is the fucking Silver Surfer movie? Where's the black guy shooting people on a fucking skateboard? That's the movie I want to see. Fucking Ant Man. And then they get superheroes that these guys couldn't break an egg.

They couldn't protect themselves. They couldn't fucking protect themselves, man. Are you going to sell me something? When I watched Stone Killer with Charles Bronson, I knew Charles Bronson could shoot you in the fucking head. When I see fucking Clint Eastwood, I know that about a good day. Clint Eastwood was shooting the head.

I know Bert Reynolds was shooting the fucking head if given the opportunity. That guy was out of his fucking mind. Yeah, I was telling Lee, Jeremy Remmer. Jeremy Remmer got an Oscar. For what? I was going to ask you. For Hurt Locker.

No. He's not Oscar material. He's not Oscar material. There's no fucking way. We don't even have Oscar material type people no more. They're just fucking holograms. When I was growing up, you had fucking actors, James Franciscus.

He played a blind guy on Channel 7 named Marlowe Bruce Lee was his kung fu teacher. You know that? A lot of people don't know that he was on, no that was James Franciscus was in a different show. Marlowe was the movie with James Gardner, I'm sorry. I like him. He's funny, but I don't get the Chris Pratt thing

to be honest. Because I mean either. Half of them. Half of them. He was on Parks and Rec as like a chubby dude. He's a good actor, but as an action hero, I don't get it. I don't get half the shit no more, though. That's what I go to get through and smell balls and feet.

Because at this point in the fucking game, I mean I just can't believe it that this is what's going on. And I love movies, guys. I grew up on movies. I'm fucking an immigrant. You know, you dream. When you're an immigrant, you watch movies and fucking dream, man.

That's your escape when you're an immigrant. They can't call your names. It's no pressure going to a movie when you're a fucking immigrant. You don't know the fucking language. That's what part of being an American is. When people come over here, what's the first thing they talk to you about?

People from other countries. They talk to you about American culture that they've learned through watching our films. That's what highlights our fucking country, guy. You know, when you're a fucking Cuban and you have nothing, and all of a sudden you're living in Cuba and somebody slips in death fucking, death wish. He was a vigilante.

I was thinking about how slow-paced death wish is. But he's a vigilante. Before that movie, I didn't know what a vigilante word was. When I left, I fucking knew a new word. I learned a new word from a movie. I went into fucking fifth grade and said, the word is vigilante. Bus that motherfucker.

It always pisses me off how, one thing that doesn't piss me off, I find it interesting that on TV shows, especially TV shows, like, I don't know, there's 10 new pilots every year per studio. I don't know. Let's just say 10. 130. OK, how many make it?

Like 10? Legitimately, they're looking for four. So yeah, so they're looking for four, and then out of that, how many shows only make it one year? A bunch. Only a couple make it to two, three, four seasons. And the actors always get shit on, or the writing, or the star.

But from what I've heard, from what I've seen in Hollywood, one of the producers and the studio people, executives, they get to stay. But they had all that input, but they don't get in trouble for a show feeling, which is kind of weird. Well, they just keep rotating them. They just keep rotating these acts. Listen, I was looking at the 70s show.

The 70s show comes on after Peppa Pig, on fucking, whatever. And I was watching the 70s show. When you see the 70s show, it came out in 98, the episode I was watching. It was 1998. You look at a show like that. How many shows got put out that year?

That was just the perfect show at the perfect time, with the perfect fucking cast. And I'm thinking that going, that's the time to get into television. Because you know what? You always have a job the rest of your life, no matter what happens. You just go from show to show to show to show to show.

And they'll fail. They'll pick up. Who'd they just give a new show to? He's a grandpa. He finds the kid. He's just got a fucking DUI in Beverly Hills. They gave him a show. Yeah, grandfathered.

Oh, yeah. What the fuck is his name? The full house dude, right? Nice guy. I'm not saying nothing bad about him. Bob Saget? No, there's part. No, the handsome dude.

John Stalem. John Stalem. You know, they give you shows. And these are people that have been on TV when you have a, especially when you have a good show, like what's his name? Bob Saget will be on TV the rest of his life. He had a successful show. He had two successful fucking shows.

That's a TV family. They'll use you to host anything. You're better than me. You're better than Eddie. You're better than you and Lee. Not because he's better than us, but because it's a recognizable face. You know who just got the hosting gig on my old show of

America's Funniest? The Carlton from Fresh Prince is going to host that now. Which one? The America's Funniest on videos. And he hasn't worked in 20 fucking years. I know. You spend, you know what I'm saying? So once you're in TV at a young age, you'll always work on

TV if you stay active and if you stay on top of your age. If you're on a hit show, you've got to let it breathe for six or seven years, and that's when you do short films and you produce stupid shit. You do YouTube videos and you do a podcast, and you keep that fan base that you acquired on the show. What the fuck we talking about? That's why I hate you.

That's why I hate you. That's why I hate you. Hate eating out of us, liar. How long did it take you before you? How many years were you doing jiu-jitsu before you went to Abu Dhabi? Nine. Is that like prodigy type stuff?

No, nine. How long does it take? I mean, it's like being a headliner, jiu-jitsu. Doesn't matter how long you take this. How many hours you put on the mat? You could be, you know what I'm saying? You could be on the mat eight days a week and get a black belt in five fucking years or, you know, the obvious,

whatever the fuck it is. So it's the same thing like headlining. So you went to one of the most prestigious. It took you nine years to go to one of the most prestigious. I won the trials, the North American trials in 2002 and then in 2003. They invited you. October 2002, I won the trials and then the show was until

May of next year, 2003. So in between the time I won the trials and actually went, until May, that's when I quit the strip club for Comedy Central and I was the most depressed I've ever been in my goddamn life. I had a little, I had a, that was my boss on a day to day basis, that dude, the dude that you dealt with. I didn't deal with that shit, you know, but it's crazy. Television is very fucking tough, you know, it's people think

you just get a job and it's easy. I can't imagine being on a TV show for seven years. I could never imagine. That's why I'm not on the show. I would love to do a season on the show like Jimmy Smith does. He just goes on shows, fucks him up for two seasons, takes a year off and goes back on another show. That's, that guy's been on television since 1984.

He got killed on Miami Vice in 1984 in the pilot. Jimmy Smith's the second scene of Miami Vice pilot. That's 84, that's 31 years, correct? Yeah. 31 years of television, two other shows that were NYPD blue, LA law, all syndicated fucking shows. He made bundles on that. He had a third show.

They did Dexter, Sons of Anarchy for three seasons. I mean, that guy, they just put him from fucking show to show to show. That's a great career. His pension is going to be great and sad. He's got great insurance. I wish I had his fucking insurance. He didn't have to do nothing and he gets the insurance because it's 31 grand. You get that residuals probably.

Residuals, $31,000 is what he gets mail to his house per quarter, probably. And residuals, that's the light. And I guarantee he gets 30 a month from residuals. Think about that shit. If he don't do dick, 30 a month times 12 is what, 360? Yeah, you watching any of those shows on HBO or Showtime, like that true detective or anything? No.

You know what I'm saying? I heard that's bad this year, though. The first half of it's bad. It gets better. It all, it starts to get better. Well, what is it? Do you think it's because of the, there's no census? Because I just watched the Sopranos, which is great.

The wire I just am finishing right now. Like, what is it? Because they're still executives for all those big channels. Do you think it's like the- They could take their time. And HBO, they got bigger balls. And I don't know. I mean, it's hard to, I think if you're asking why they're successful,

I think it's, there's no limit. They have to, you know, they'll get sexual and people like that. They'll get super violent. You know, do they show the bullet blowing the head up? You know, people want to see that. And when you're doing a movie, I think within an hour and a half, you just can't tell a compelling story. You just, if you just got to put it all together so quick that you don't,

you don't buy it. But when you have a whole season to get it all out and you can take your time, set things up more and take your time, make it more believable. I don't know. I just think it's kind of, it's crazy how much of a role the executives play in. So like, like if someone was executive, being an executive for your act, Joey, and you're you getting a special depended on that person giving you good notes. And then like, that must be really frustrating for the people whose career

it depends on and it's just some asshole giving terrible notes, but no one's saying no to them. Well, that it's a, you know, it's a win type win situation. Sometimes you mix them with a good producer who knows this shit you can't cover. You know, sometimes you, you meet people that are just fucking egos, man. You know, in this town, I remember when I did Spider-Man 2, there was a dude on there with white hair that was just a bad motherfucker. He talked to people.

I'd see him picking shit up. And this guy was old. He was fucking 60 something years old. I'd see him picking shit up and carrying ship at the same time. I know people were kind of scared. One day I asked him on Spider-Man 2, I go, who the fuck are you? Because my name is Joe Chickarelli, whatever his fucking name was, because I'm one of the executive producers.

I go, how long have you been doing this? He goes, I was an A.D. in fucking like some movie from the 60s. He goes, I was also a first unit director in the Pulp of Greenwich Village. I mean, so you follow me, he's been around when a guy like that talks to you. That's 30 fucking years. He knows the shortcuts. He knows where to fucking do this. You can't do that because it'll cost you too much for a car.

It's going to blow up with flames. You know, you got to get a license for that. If we do it in North Hollywood, you could burn the whole city down. They don't give a, you know what I'm saying? Right. Like they have different experiences, things for you. But if you watch the shows that are cutting edge, those are the producers that you want to work with.

The Ozzes, the wire, the people that sat there and go, I don't know. But somebody was like, fucking, let's do it. Let's stab the fucking black guy and chop a Chinese guy in half and call him a fucking chink and let's take a chance. And you're like, oh, it's never been done. It's going to fucking be done. Those are the shows that are fucking tremendous. They're breaking bats.

You know, I guarantee that was arguing on there. There's always an argument when you get notes. The Sopranos, I told you, I read one time that they were going to cancel the show. Episode six of the first season when he was going to kill the kid up in college because they didn't want the boss of a family to shoot somebody. And David Chase had to argue, it's 2000. Everybody's shooting people now. It's not like the old days that the boss gives you a note

and you go fuck that. Everybody's doing dirty work now and they did it and HBO got pissed, but they fucking showed it. So it's the guys that push the envelope that changed the game a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit fucking more. You know, do you think it would have changed like now if Rogan did the show now? The man show. Yeah. Oh, but be completely different. You think so?

Well, it depends. Look at the Josh Wolf show. CMT late night show. You couldn't say nothing. Couldn't talk about reefer. It's a late night show. Who do you think watches this show? People that are 50, my age?

No, people that are 20 that want a giggle that are smoking fucking reefer. You know, nobody has a reefer show yet at midnight. Yeah, nobody. That's the show. A reefer show reefer at midnight. Somebody QVC. They'll fucking break the computer. They'll break the TV dog. I'm a fat fuck.

I have nothing to offer you and look how many people tune in to me smoking a joint, just talking shift for three minutes in the morning. People come up to me on the street today and one of the black belts at Higgins, the widest guy in the world, popped over when I was on my back and said, I love the fucking Periscope. I turn all my clients on to it. A fucking white dude that don't even curse in the fucking class. OK, you understand me?

People want to see two guys pop up at midnight. Boom, with a fucking bomb. What's happening? The day's events. What what are your numbers now with Periscope? A couple thousand. Four thousand. Nice. Four thousand. So Monday and Tuesday, they were slow. But four thousand.

Watch a fat guy smoking. They're probably on the other side smoking with me. That's what people want to do. How many college kids would go home at eleven or midnight and watch two fat fucks eating Doritos, smoking dope with a bomb, talking about the day in the fucking news? That's as simple as it gets. And that's got it.

Somebody's got that show in development. They just want to see who's going to go first. You know, in that 70s show, they used to sit in a garage and smoke weed, but they would never show it, but you'd see the smoke. Right. Yeah, I'm talking about a real show to refuck it. A man show today would have to have refit and you'd blow up the TV. People would be pissed. It's the end of television.

But a cable network is eventually going to do it. Syfy. They eventually, you know, eventually they worked like Will and Grace, they brought in like gay characters and stuff. So eventually the the stoners are going to make it. The gay guys got through. The stoners are coming for sure. Just going to take time. Yeah, I don't understand how they don't have a no respect for stoners.

Has any sitcom put a weed store in their rotation, except Sons of Anarchy? Not that I know. The guy on the weed store. Well, you know what? That was that show Weeds. What about that one? But that went somewhere different. That got terrible. Yeah, I got crazy, crazy bad. That was a show that could have been on for 20 fucking years. Two suburban moms selling weed from their fucking house.

Season seven, they could have bought a weed store and got legal. They could have done it. No, there was Mexicans and fucking people having kids. What the fuck are we doing here? I want to see a show about two bitches selling weeds and the struggle of being single moms, you know, meeting fucking people in alleys with a gun and shit. You know, I want to see some fucking two white chicks. I want to see a chick with a tattoos who has a boyfriend who was a trucker

who beats it and she's selling pounds of weed to get away with it. You know what I'm saying? Like making 100,000 a fucking year selling pounds of weed online or whatever the fuck. Something interesting, something that's really going on today. I saw Blow last night. What did you think? Oh, man. I mean, I saw it when it first came out, but I forgot everything. It was before I had a kid and now everything I watch that has any kind of tender moment with a kid. Man, I start crying, man. I really do, man.

Like I was watching Hangover 3 and Hangover 1. The baby was like not even one and Zach Galpinakis would have the baby and his little front pack thing. And then by Hangover 3, he, he saw the kid and the kid's like three and the kid goes to Zach. Are you my father? And he says, yes. And I'm watching it with my wife and we're looking at the screen and I had so many tears coming. This is Hangover 3. I'm such a pussy. I had so many tears coming down my face and my wife makes fun of me for crying. She really thinks I'm a pussy.

So I didn't want to wipe my tears off because then she would have saw in a peripheral. So I just stayed there and just let them air dry and shit so that she wouldn't know that I was crying in Hangover 3. So I'm watching Blow and remember at the end when it was all about his daughter and then he's in jail and then he's like imagining that his daughter is coming to visit him like out in the yard. And I remembered everything. I'm like, man, it's different now that I have a kid. I had to get.

My wife was there and I got up and walked into the kitchen. She goes, where are you going? This is the end. I already seen this. She goes, you're a big fucking pussy. You're about to cry. Oh, no, no, no, I want some cookies. I'm going to get it. It's almost over anyways. But really, I couldn't take it and I didn't want a tear in front of my wife. So I went to the kitchen, dude, and she busted me. She knew she knew exactly what I was going to take.

You ever see the champ? Yes. But when I was like, pan, I think it was on about Ricky Schroeder. Ricky Schroeder. Put that on the glass ones. A couple of times. What should I put in the search? What scene is it? I don't know. Kid and John Voight.

It's one of the best kid father scenes of all fucking time. It's that's a great movie. I watched 25 minutes of it in Chicago. Why are you trying to make me cry, man? Because you think of this one, the final one? Let me see. Damn, dude, champ. Final part of the movie. No, saddest movie in the world, right there.

Did and and while it's happening before I got up and went to the kitchen, I'm thinking it's just Johnny Depp. He's an actor. This is just a movie. I'm trying to think of the grips. There's cameraman. This is not real. That's not his real daughter. And you know, you know who that fucking chick is, right? Which one? That chick that plays the daughter while she was a kid or when she was grown up.

The kid. There's no video on that one. Oh, who is she? She famous now. Eric Roberts, daughter. Yeah, famous as fuck. The. Look at Ricky Schrupp. Was this before Silver Spoons? Fuck, yeah, this is what put him on the map, Jack.

He died. Yeah, I don't want to watch. Oh, shit, I forgot about this. Oh, watch this, though. That's just Ricky Schrupp. It's just Ricky Schrupp. It's a movie. Wake up. Wake up. Is that his dad?

Yeah, well, the way. Wake up. It's a great actor. Damn. Yeah, wake up, champ. Oh, tears, baby. You gotta go strong. Good day. I go home, champ. Oh, Jackie.

Don't cry. Jackie. This is how it is. Wake him up. Wake him. Oh, this time. Please wake him up. It's a big glass. Let's go outside.

No, no. I don't want him. I don't want him. Jackie. Wake him up. Wake him. Jackie. Wake him up. Wake him. TJ, please.

I want your help. TJ. I want your help. TJ. Please, TJ. Listen to me. He's gone. He's gone, son.

He's gone. No. No. He's not gone. He's not. Not now. Please. He's not gone.

He's not gone. Listen to me, son. I want you. TJ, please. I want you. You. That's a bad-ass movie. Shut that shit off.

Man, he's a great actor. Dork does a scene in this when he tells him he's gotta go, because he gets into it. They take the horse. He loses a gambling. They take the fucking horse, and all that shit. And there's a scene where he tells him it's better that you go live with your mother.

Faith Dunlop. With her name. He doesn't tell him it's his mother. Bro, he fucking breaks it down, that little boy. He tells him, listen, I ain't going nowhere. I swear to God, I'll do my homework. I'll wash my dishes. I mean, he's fucking so good.

I was doing something in the whole top room, and I had to look and go, fucking Ricky Schroeder. I was gonna look to see if he wanted to ask her, but who gives a fuck? But he should have wanted to ask her though. As a little kid, that's a fucking actor. Yeah, hell yeah. That was strong as shit.

Shit. John Voight. Shit. That dude should have won 10 Oscars, John Voight. The fucking, what was the movie he did with Dustin Hoffman? That's Angelina Jolie's dad. That's Angelina Jolie's dad. Heat, the fucking one, American Cowboy,

Midnight Cowboy. That dude's been in some fucking movies, Jack. I can't believe we're here to talk, we're talking about fucking Hollywood. Tremendous. It's a real fucking podcast. You know what I'm saying? On a Wednesday afternoon,

this is what happens when you smoke weed and shit. Yeah, I always wanted to ask you how long it took from the first time you rolled to go to Abu Dhabi. Were you a black belt after nine years? I went to Abu Dhabi as a brown belt, but the first time I went to class when I got back, Jean-Jacques gave me a black belt.

So, that's how I got my black belt. Abu Dhabi. And you were already at the boxing gym on Santa Monica? No, no, no, no. You weren't teaching anything? No, I was still Comedy Central. So, I went back and believe it or not,

Tom showed a little respect after that, just a little bit. And they actually played in one episode, they played on a loop when they were tapping on Heuler in the background. Like, you barely see it. Like, it's like dressing in the background of some stages.

So, they were into it. And then that's when, you know, Larry called me from Vegas and said, hey dude, I'm sitting here at the pool at the Mandalay and they're talking about your match with Heuler. Dude, people are into it. You gotta fucking quit that job

and open up a school. And at first I was like, nah, I'm not gonna quit my fucking business. And then I thought about it and I thought, man, I'd rather be broke and do something I love than be miserable and say that, ooh, I work in TV.

You know, it was kind of cool saying that. You know, I'm working for Comedy Central, but in reality it was terrible. The boat jobs are tremendous, right? People will suck your dick when you tell people you work on TV. Really, what kind of TV? I don't know, come into the car.

Let me tell you, come into the trunk. Tell me right for the man show, which is not a lie, and they think you fucking, you know, you created the show. That was crazy. There used to be a room on Tuesday nights, Tiki Syat in San Diego.

San Diego, 10, 15 years ago, had a great comedy scene. You had Monday night, the guys were hustlers. The comedians at the time were hustlers, and they went, they got this PB on Pacific Beach on Tuesdays, and then Wednesday they had another room that was two doors down.

I mean, these guys were killers. So basically it was all on one block, just three doors down. I mean, fucking tremendous. That's where those carnitas are in San Diego, right on that corner. There's the Denny's and there's a little Mexican joint right there.

So I went down on a Tuesday, and listen guys, the show starts at 10. It's college students. By the time you go up to 11, you got about 20 minutes to get them to laugh, and now you die. And I went up there and, you know, they're crazy, and you're talking about fucking people,

because that's all that did well in those rooms, were dirty acts. And some girl came up on stage. That was fucking hot. And she took off her shirt, and I said, take off your pants, and she took off her fucking pants. And it was just like that.

That just, and it was the craziest thing. I get off stage. She comes over, starts talking to me. She's crazy as shit. But she's beautiful. I can't figure this out, how a girl that hot would just go up there, and then she's crazy.

And we start talking about Obama. I go, can I ask you a question? Can I finger you? Because that's a deal breaker right there. If you just meet a chicken, ask them if you can finger them. I swear to God, she walked me to the car,

one of her friends, by the car, I go, can I ask you something? Can I finger you? She goes, yeah. And I finger it, and I'm like, you are the real fucking deal. This is my number.

We started talking. And she goes, I'm coming to LA to visit you tomorrow. I go, no, you're not. Listen, guys, she called me at five in the afternoon, and she showed up at El Compadre with an eight-ball,

a case of beer, and a bikini on. Do you understand me? That's a fucking woman. I didn't have an apartment then. I lived at that fucking building in different floors. I had a sneaker up to Salines,

and it was fucking crazy. This is- And they had the juggy trials. And I go, Joe, I got a live one. This chick will not only walk around naked, she'll suck people's dick on TV. She told me. She was fucking crazy.

The first night, she did three lines, and just took the panties off and started playing with her pussy. I almost died in the living room. Teddy was upstairs. Teddy came down. I was like, what's she doing?

I don't know. Leave her alone. Making noises like a cat. In front of the bed. She didn't give a fuck. When a woman takes her fucking panties off, they don't give a fuck. And she wasn't a porn chick.

This chick was beautiful. She had a rich dad. She was fucking crazy. She had some rich dad or a rich fucking boyfriend that gave her money to go out and suck dicks. It was fucking crazy, man. It was fucking crazy.

So I asked her, you want to try out for a juggy? She went right down to the next day. I don't know what the fuck happened. And then I couldn't be around her. She was crazy. She wanted to snort all day. And I dropped her off on Pablo Francisco

and his buddy. And I was like, Pablo Francisco and his buddy. And they took it to Orange County and God knows what happened to her. She called me like six months later from Las Vegas. Pablo Francisco.

I went to the improv and Pablo was there with some other crazy motherfucker. And the kid he was with had like two ounces of blow. And we did a couple of bumps and I was like, listen, man, I can't hang with that.

I think I left her there. You know, I'm the king of doing that, leaving people there. I left her there. And she called me like six months later from Las Vegas. Where are you? I'm at some hotel.

I'm up 80,000 cash. I'm staying with some Arab or some shit. She was crazy. She was really fucking crazy. God knows what happened to her. People like that come and go in your life in California. They come and go in your life like that anyway. But I brought it to the Juggie Tryouts.

I don't even know what you guys make girls do at the Juggie Tryouts. Hey, I wonder if that's up. Joey Diaz runs naked on the man's shell. I could look for it. I'm YouTube. That could be up. Let me give some shout outs

while you're fucking doing that shit here. My main man, Waterbox, is always helping us out with the podcast. Andre Silver, World of Aliens, Raymond Mansi, Constantine Rain, Chad Calderon, John Fentrose, and Ernie Esposito. I love you, motherfuckers.

No. Okay. It's not up there. Somebody took it down. Those dirty passages. So this is the third E.B.I. This is the fourth. The fourth.

E.B.I. 4. And this started as what made you want to do this. I just wanted to... One of your flies was a Higgins thing, by the way. What was that? One of your flies was a Higgins thing. One of your flies? One of your flies was a Higgins thing.

Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Pretty funny. He hung it up. Really just... Before I even thought of putting together a show, I was trying to figure out a way to make jujitsu exciting. What was it about the point system that needed to be fixed?

And the submission-only game was started by... There was a couple tournaments, I think, Sub League up in the Pacific Northwest was doing it. It's somewhat of the USA grappling. They were doing a submission-only format. But when I really got to see what it was all about, I was not into the point system at all. Sport jujitsu just seemed...

It was just too boring, and you were never going to see that on TV, especially with the ghee. When you're training with the ghee or competing, and there's points, any kind of points, any whatever it is, points is points. Soon as someone's up, he's going to relax and kill time. But when I went to Gracie Nationals and saw that they were running a full tournament submission-only,

I thought, wow, it was the most exciting tournament I've ever seen. There's no points going on. It's just people trying to submit each other. It seemed like that could never happen. It seemed like a fantasy. And Rose Gracie and Javi Vasquez, they put together Gracie Worlds and Gracie Nationals, and it's awesome.

And then Meta Morris came out with a submission-only type, bigger event, not a tournament open to everybody, but an invitational. But still, there was problems with the end of the matches. In Gracie Worlds and Gracie Nationals, they go 15-minute matches. If there is no submission, both competitors are de-queued. And that's the most gangster right there.

That really brings out the urgency more than any other rule set, where if there's no submission, you're both out. You both get disqualified. And then the brackets get kind of funky, but it's amazing. We show up with a giant squadron. Every time Gracie Nationals hits LA in January, at the end of January, and Gracie Worlds is coming up,

August 23rd in Anaheim, we're taking a giant team as well. We love those submission-only tournaments. But for TV, what I wanted to do is do what Meta Morris is doing. But make it more exciting, because they were doing the same thing. Just like my match with Hoyler, it was a 20-minute match,

and if there was no submission, it's considered a draw. It's really hard to run tournaments that way. It's just so unpredictable. And I thought the only real way to put Jiu-Jitsu on TV is it's got to be submission-only, but we got to have a winner. And it can't involve points. How can we determine a winner with a submission-only format?

And it took me a long time to figure it out, but what we do is we have 10-minute matches, 16-man tournament, EBI 4, 16-man tournament, the featherweight's 145 division. Our current champion is Gio Martinez, who won EBI 1, he won EBI 2, and now this is EBI 4. Who won 3? Garry Tonin?

Garry Tonin. He's not in this year. No, no. He's a welterweight. We're doing the featherweight. The featherweight. So Gio's the champion of the featherweights. But we got some killers, like Eddie Cummings, who's Garry Tonin's leglock training partner.

They all learned from Dana Herr, who learned from Dean Lister. So Dean Lister went to New York and trained at Hensel's Academy 15 years ago, something like that. I turned John Dana Herr into a leglock fiend, and then Dana Herr just took, he has a very scientific approach to everything he does,

so he took what he learned from Dean and made a system out of it, and a lot of the guys that are coming from Hensel's school, because John Dana Herr is one of the main instructors there. You see a lot of leglock guys. I have a leglock guy who came from Hensel's school. His name is Eric Ramey, and he probably could be my best leglocker.

So John Dana Herr is a leglock genius, and he's got his little prodigies, and Eddie Cummings is one of his little prodigies, and he's killing everybody with leglocks. It's like unstoppable. Eddie Cummings is amazing. He was in EBI 3 as a welterweight, but he's, you know, welterweight's 170,

featherweight is 145, so he's going from, he's going down two weight classes. So he's going to be Geo Martinez, who finished everybody at EBI 2 and finished three out of four opponents in EBI 1, and he's going to be on one end of the bracket. Eddie Cummings is going to be on the other side. We also, so we got a leglock.

Eddie Cummings is probably the best leglocker in Jiu Jitsu right now. I mean, he's just, he's unstoppable. It's made me rethink leglocks and really devote a lot more time into leglocks as an association, the 10th Planet Association was influenced by Eddie Cummings and what he's doing with his leglocks.

So he's in it. So we got him. So we got two killers, and then we also got Jiao Miao, who's one of the Miao twins, who is one of the best Jiu Jitsu players in the world right now, IB JJF style. He's got incredible flexibility.

His spiral game and his De La Jiva game is a top shelf. Him and his brothers, like you can't really get any better than them when it comes to De La Jiva and the Baron Bowls and all that stuff. It's like he's, Jiao Miao is to Baron Bowls,

like what Eddie Cummings is to leglocks. And then we also got Barat Yoshida, who was in the lightweight division at EBI II, and that's too heavy for him. He won a match and then lost a match, but now his true weight is 145. Even though Barat is, he's like 40 years old now, but at 45, he can grapple with anybody.

And so we got four corners. We got Jiao Martinez, Jiao Miao, Eddie Cummings, Barat Yoshida, and we got a bunch of... So you got North Carolina Duke, UCLA, and Arizona State in the fucking brackets. I love it. And we got a bunch of other killers that are filling in the bracket too,

Russ Muria, Joel Tudor, who's a professional surfer, who's also a well-known black belt. Now let me ask you something. Ever since your second match, 10th Planet has made a resurgence. You know, I'm out there. I go to different places,

and I talk to different people, and people recognize me, oh, you're in the fucking rubber guard or whatever. 10th Planet has really gotten a resurgence lately. I mean, you're all over fucking Facebook every day. By the way, two things real quick, not to throw you off, is our buddy from Rochester out here?

Chris Herzog? Yeah. No. Okay, was he supposed to come out here? I don't think so. Okay, number two. He was in the Bay Area for me. I fucked up on a plane one morning,

and I saw a tweet that I wanted to donate to to GoFundMe for Grace. And I've been calling you every day, and I forget to ask you, can we still donate to Grace? I think so. Okay, because when I go home, you gotta send me the link.

Okay. Because I was on a plane, and I saw the link, and I can't, I don't know how to open and take your credit card out. That'll kill me. I gotta do that on a home fucking computer. Okay.

So I gotta see whether GoFundMe, she'll be here, she's back. Yeah, so we also, on top of that 16-man bracket featherweight division, we're gonna, in between every round, we're gonna get through the first round, and then we have a teen super fight, and then we go through another round

of the featherweights, and then another super fight, another round, and then we have, so we have a total of three super fights, all women this time, all girls. We have the winner of, we had four 12-year-olds,

females in EBI3. We had Jessicaon versus Korasek, Jessicaon beat Korasek, all amazing jujitsu players. They're just prodigies, and then we had Alyssa Wilson, Gogan's Grace Gundrum, Grace beat Alyssa.

What we're doing in this one is I'm taking just the winners and putting them against each other, so it's gonna be Jessica against Grace, and then Alyssa versus Korra. So if you saw EBI3, which is available for free on YouTube, a couple months after that show,

I put it up on YouTube forever, just YouTube search, EBI, Eddie Bravo Invitational 3, just look for the official event. The entire thing is on YouTube for free, EBI3. EBI4 will be available on BudoVideos.com. You could, they're streaming it for,

I think it's 1999, so you could stream it worldwide, and you can go see the show live, Downtown LA, Saturday, August 15th, at the Orpheum. You can get tickets at Ticketmaster. But that's great that you have the paper view on, and you could tape it and watch it in the morning,

whatever the fuck you want to do, it's on the computer or on TV. No, no, it's not on TV. You could get it online. Correct, we could put it on the big screen here. Yeah, anywhere with internet, yeah. You could watch it on your phone. It's really, I talk to people,

I drop the kid off at school, and as a kid, I followed that, as a 10th planet guy. Perfect. You recognize when we started talking, so I used to go to HQ. I don't remember their names. I go to the fucking park,

off at the hunger out there by the pizza joint. There's a 10th planet dude. He's a fighter. That's a 10th planet guy. He's built like a fighter. He's thinner, maybe 170, 180. What's his name? I don't know, Asian looking dude.

He takes his child over there. One of John Evans students is a 10th planet guy, in the daytime. He goes to them at night. So a lot of ghee people are going to 10th planet. Marlin, Marlin went to, Marlin was there when I started at that ghee place. He quit.

He just signed up at fucking Eddie Bravo's. Little Marlin. Marlin Assamir, he's in New York now. He took a picture the other day with our other fucking friend from New York. He went over there to train. So a lot of people are making the switch to 10th planet, or adding it to their curriculum of jiu-jitsu.

That's really fucking amazing. Now people used to go to one school. Now people are going to fucking two schools. I never, you know, I never knew that. You could do that. Usually most schools have a no ghee program, also like maybe on Saturdays. These guys are going to know.

Fuck it, we're going to go down there and learn from Eddie Bravo. Yeah, some, most jiu-jitsu schools are ghee base, meaning you have to wear a ghee, right? Three days a week. But on Saturdays, Wednesdays, like John Evan, on Saturdays and Wednesdays he does no ghee. You know, Hegan, sometimes you go to Hegan,

he'll go, it's no ghee today. He'll teach one move, no ghee, a basic move that you could do ghee, no ghee. It's interesting. I just don't like people grabbing my fucking neck. It drives me crazy. Well, the difference is 10th planet is no ghee full time. Some of my affiliates have ghee programs,

but it's more just to, you know, get the guys in here and then they'll eventually switch over to no ghee. Look at fucking Josh. Josh put a ghee on first time in three years and he won a fucking tournament about six months ago. Josh Pasimi? Josh Pasimi put a ghee on. And he said, I just put a ghee on, went down there.

What the fuck? And I took first. It's amazing. You know, it's good to put the ghee on for those guys. They're doing it for someone when you're that good, you know? But I know all this got the ghee up there, Tuesdays and Thursdays with your buddy. He's a John Jock black belt.

This is Tim Anton. He said he's a really sweet guy, you know? So, but this guy goes to Jared, the guy at the daycare with Mercy. Jared Carlston? Yeah, he trains at the airport. Yeah, that's where he goes. It's amazing.

You bump into all these people. So you're doing something right, kid. You're doing something right, kid. 10th planet everywhere. Hand signals like drain shit. Like crips. One day fucking the 10th planet guys gonna get shot by a cripping shit

out there flashing fucking TPs. And then you got the boogeyman crew. That's San Diego crew. They're relentless. They're building an army. They're down there rolling around, smelling feet at six in the fucking morning. Those motherfuckers.

When I get up at seven, they're already finished for the day doing jumping jacks and breakdancing. Those guys are good for a reason. They don't fuck around down in San Diego. They're giving out free classes in San Diego. They're like, come down. We'll teach you how to stab them, motherfucker.

Yeah, we got 10th planet San Diego. San Diego, Costa Mesa. And we got 10th planet Oceanside as well. Oceanside. So we got two schools down in San Diego. And not Costa Mesa? Costa Mesa as well. Buena Park, Orange.

Do you have one in Vegas? That's coming. That's coming. I heard it's coming soon. That's right, Las Vegas. It's coming soon. TP everywhere and shit. Yeah.

No New York yet though. No, yeah. That's a tough market. They don't want you in there until you fucking put unionized hotels. That's the reason why. Can you imagine? What is that? I don't know.

This is what I've heard a thousand times. I've heard that Fratida's hotels, his employees are non-union. Everybody in Vegas is union. So he's non-union. So something in New York, the hotels are union and they want to make that whole chain union until Fratida doesn't unionize his hotels. New York MMA is like, fuck you. And listen man, New York is like, listen, you're getting a big envelope over there.

We want a piece of that envelope. That's it. We don't fuck around. We don't need you to come here. We got the Knicks and the Giants. Who gives a fuck about you bitches? We got the Yankees, the Mets, the fucking, the Knicks, the Nets. They got enough entertainment.

So why? Why? I don't know the whole particular. That's just the word. That's what they say. That's because of the union. I'm thinking maybe unionizing is maybe making criminals fatter. Maybe the Fratidas don't want to deal with the unionization.

What comes with it? I don't know. I'm just guessing. I don't know the basics. Because if you talk to them, I'm sure they'll probably hear it. I just know, listen, I just know when politics don't approve some, there's got to be an envelope, somewhere that's not passing the right hand. You're selling 900 seats.

The problem with the UFC is the NFL don't tell you on Mondays how many people went to the fucking New England game and what they made at the gate. Am I lying? How about what? When you wake up in Boston on Monday morning, they don't tell you in the paper what they made. They don't tell you what New England did at the gate or nothing like that. The fucking UFC does, even though they lie, nobody tells you the truth.

So they told you for kind of McGregor. They did 800 tape of you guys. That's 1.2. That's 1.2. They chopped a million off the top. Right off the top, they take five fucking. What, they claimed 800? 800,000 and Ronda Rousey against the Brazilian will get 2 million downloads, but they won't.

But the thing is that when politicians stall like that, they're looking for an envelope. Something's got to drizzle over here. You guys are picking up three fucking shows a month bragging about the gates. I know you just busted the envelope in Vegas. You know, what the fuck? The pain to fight is 5,000 to fight. 10 fights, 50,000, they make 7 million at the gate. You know what I'm saying?

Meanwhile, Pac Cummings got two black eyes. He's bleeding from the fucking eyeball, telling people he's on his way up. Did you see that? That's what I want. I turned it on. Pac Cummings was at Joe Rogan. He's got two black eyes. He's bleeding out of this eye, and he's like, I'm on my way up.

He did. He made it to the rankings. That was a good fight against Fajal. But you can see Fajal was off the guerrilla biscuits, Brazilian style. He's not on those fucking black house. I didn't see that fight. He's not on those black house pills. Did you see Jake Shields and Hussamar Bones?

Oh, yeah, I watched that last night. You know what, man? Hussamar should have got thrown out a long time ago. But now I don't understand what his name is broken two people's bones, and they've never said nothing about him. Who? Frank Meir. Because he didn't hold it.

He just, it was like so fast and so fast. Right, right, right. That's what I mean. This guy is just crazy. That's crazy to play with people's limbs like that. And I don't think Nogarro was tapping. I think he got his arm broken. Right, but he wasn't tapping.

Yeah. And Tim Sylvia. He didn't even feel it. If you're not tapping, you know, you justify a snap. But this palmaris against Jake Shields. I mean, Jake Shields threw the punch at him. He's going to get suspended for it. But fuck, what do you do?

You're poking me in the fucking eyes. I'm not saying that Fajal was poking. That was a good fight. Fajal against that kid. Cummings? Oh, that was a good fight. Didn't see it. That was a great fight.

And I thought Fajal was going to punch him. Fajal threw 20 punches, hit him with all 20 punches. Then kicked him with two up kicks. Busted his fucking nose. He was on his back and you could see the blood on his toes. He opened them up with the front. I mean, it was fucking tremendous. But Pac Cummings had eight takedowns.

Ba-boom. Kept taking them down. Ba-boom, ba-boom. But at the end, he just elbowed them 50,000 fucking times. That was the, that's how I had it. No, it's great. What you're doing, Eddie. I'm really happy that you're doing all this shit.

Thank you, man. It's amazing that you used to live in that house. That little shack behind fucking the place over there. You used to wear your little black shoes. You had your little jeans on and shit. Ready to go, go, go. And now you're at the park with a kid that's fucking crazy. Listen, man, there's no greater joy from,

I can just watch mercy all day. I don't give a fuck. Well, Mike, for somebody called today, hey, you're going to dance in the sun once I was listening. That ship sailed. I know he's friends with Bruce Lee, but Bruce Lee ain't as cute as my little fucking daughter. So Dan, you to go fuck yourselves.

Happy birthday. I'm going to the west side on a fucking Wednesday night at six o'clock to deal with two hours of traffic. To hang out with Chinese people, burn incense and shit like that. I don't hang out with Bruce Lee, bitch. I like Dan and his son too, but I don't give a fuck. I'm going to go there and see a bunch of fake martial artists

bowing and shit the fuck out of here. I'm Matt Flabe. I was there from the beginning, bitch. I was around when Bruce Lee fucking died, though. The fuck. I still remember what this country felt like, but it's true. It's just somebody asked me, are you going to Dan and his son's birthday party?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait for me. I'll meet you outside at 7.30. I'll bring an invitation. He's a legend, though, man. Oh, I saw him at one of the seminars that he can put on. He was great just to see him there, man. I mean, that's real fucking history right there.

That's like the George Washington Martial Arts. He was there when the shit kicked off. You know, when I came from Cuba, there was a karate school here and there. It wasn't like it is. There wasn't no jiu-jitsu. A couple of judo schools. There was a couple of aikido schools.

You know, it wasn't kung fu in the Bronx. Black people, they love kung fu. Black people love kung fu, though. They show Gunna Harlem. They go fucking nuts. But when I came from Cuba, once I saw the green horn, I lost my mind. I got beat up at the parking.

I hit with a lunchbox. I got hit with the thermos and it was over. I begged my mother to take me somewhere and there was a karate school. Renato's father, the black dude, it was just a black school. They wore fucking geese. He made them run on the streets.

It was black. You had to go in and give them an ID card in those days. There was a black lady with dreads who sat in the fucking window and you had to give her an ID card. And then she checked your attendance and gave you back the fucking card. Your gi had to be folded a certain way. Your belt had to be holding the gi a certain way.

And that was Renato's dad. Renato's dad. How crazy is that? That's insane. Mr. Orange. Yeah. Mr. Orange, this is 1968 guys. My English isn't even that good.

I would go to PS 166 and then my mother would walk me over there. In those days, you had to go Monday through Friday. You know? And he made you run in the wintertime with your gi on. Outside. That's brutal. That's brutal barefoot.

He'd make you run in the summer in the winter. He'd let you put sneakers on. And then you'd see all the kids from school. They'd see you with the gi. So the next day they'd pick a fight with you. Look what it is. Karate boy. We saw you running.

Come on. Show us some karate cock sucker. I swear to God. That's how brutal it was in those days. It was like a military thing. He used to hit you. He would throw kicks at you. How long did you do that for?

Maybe two and a half years. Because I got in there when I was... Whenever I started Sacred Heart School for boys, I cut it to Saturdays. And then I just stopped going because I got a job running numbers in the Bronx. So when I started going to Sacred Heart School for boys, I went like four Saturdays a month. And that was it.

He was pissed. They didn't understand that shit in those days. In those days, you had to give your karate teacher a report card. And if your grades weren't good, you weren't allowed to go to class, bro. And his classes were packed at him from the classes. The kids' classes started like a four. And you had to stay till six. And then once you got your green belt, you could stay for the adult class.

And even though I had my green belt, I was too young. But you could stay and sit on the side and ask the older guys to teach you a kick and shit like that. That's what I used to do. I was like a groupie. And then my mom would come pick me up and smack me a couple of times. Shut the fuck up. Come on. Let's go home.

I had three blocks from my house. There was no car. You know, she just walked me. So I'd have to walk home with my gi. You had to fold your gi a certain way in front of him. You had to check your gi before you left. It was a different fucking game. That dude was always at the school.

If you went at six in the morning, he slept in a cot in the back. In those days, the people slept there. They didn't go home like now. You go home and hang out. And you just paraded at 8.30 at night. It wasn't like that. Listen to Metallica. You were there all day throwing sidekicks for Jesus.

Shit. What did they hit you with? Like when I did Taekwondo, the guy had those long legs. The bamboo sticks. Yeah, the bamboo stick. He would hit you during the push-ups. We used to giggle. Like there's always a fat kid doing sit-ups and you giggle.

He would fucking hit us with the sticks. Look at him. Look at him. At least he's working. The kid would be crying and shit. In those days, they let the kids kick you. Like, and if you cried, they put you in the corner. What was the name of the school?

Goju Karate. I remember it was a fist. You had to fucking have your patches on there. It was a fist that said, goju. Then you had to have shit on your sleeves. Then on your back, you had a big fucking patch. You can make a shirt. But the fist, it was goju.

You could still get the patches. You could still get the patches. People have the fucking patches everywhere in New York. So it was that classic goju fist? Goju Karate fist. That was the name of the school? Just called goju. That's all.

You gotta ask Renato. I remember he had the membership card. Yeah. And you could buy a bag for your gi. But I wanted to rough it. I didn't pay no fucking $3 for no fucking bag. Mr. or whatever. I think I did buy the bag eventually.

Because you had to have the bag for your gi. And then because I think once you got to the older grades, you had to put the, they weren't boxing gloves. They were like other type of gloves. Like blue gloves. And you had to put them on your feet too. They weren't really shin guards like for kickboxing. They were like a thicker shader rubber.

Okay. Anyway, who gives a Frenchman's fuck? You know what I'm saying? It's that's amazing that it was one of your brown gloves, father. How small of a world is that? That it was a loop. Eddie Bravo, you never fucking know. A great died this week.

Maca-Foey. Who's that? Who's that? Fucking guy died, man. Sixty-some years old. Comedian? No. Boxing guy.

From Justin Fortune's gym. I got a call one night after the longest yard. Like about two years after the longest yard, I got a call one night from some guy and he goes, hey, Mr. Diaz, this is such and such. I really liked you in the longest yard, but I'm a fan of the Joey Karate videos. He goes, I like to hire you to play a boxing trainer

in my commercial. I go, okay. He goes, what's your agent? I gave him the agent information. He goes, I'll be calling you soon. Fuck yeah, the guy called me a week later. I had a national commercial, right? Some boxing thing where it was like a spoof,

like boxing. I don't know what the fuck it was. Some product for men. Armistad. Something. Conestat. Something. Monestat.

I don't fucking know. That's for women. And I get there and the trainer from the other guy, because there were two boxes and then I play the trainer and there was another guy. We shot at Freddie Roach's gym. How long ago was that? This had to be fucking 2008.

And we shot this at Freddie because I was just off the coke. I just dropped doing coke like in November and they shot like in February. And I didn't want to be out. That was like my itchy night. Like eight o'clock was when I would start itching. Here I am on fucking Vine on Freddie Roach's gym. And they sold coke right outside.

So I was still a little itchy. And I go in there and this guy starts talking to me and we start laughing and we start giggling and he starts telling me he's a ghost and shit. And I say, do you work here? And he goes, no, I'm good friends with Freddie. I used to box train here, but now I train fighters over at Justin Fortune's and we became friends.

And he told me before I left. He said something that nobody ever said to me. He's like, listen, man, you're a really nice guy. You should really consider losing weight. He goes, where the fuck? Because he had the mitts, right? He's a mitt trainer and he put the mitts on and we were just fucking around.

He goes, you could still move. You're not breathing well and shit. Your collar's not good. He goes, you should really consider losing weight. He goes, come down to the gym. I'll train you for 20 bucks. I used to, one day I went in there with one pair underwear on and shorts and a t-shirt.

Like a long shirt so you can see how big my stomach was. I was 413 pounds and I went into Justin Fortune's gym and he had me and I was in so bad a shape that I pissed my fucking pants in the corner. I've never told this story to nobody. I pissed my pants like a little kid in the fucking corner. Like just, I couldn't breathe guys. I thought I was gonna die.

So it was between breathing or holding my piss. I just focused on the piss. I just focused on the breathing and I just remember pissing my pants and I'm going. From dough punches? From, he would work me for three minute rounds. Like you have a punch and he would make me follow him and fucking throw him.

This is how bad a shape I was like. I'm not fucking with you. So I pissed my pants. Not just a fucking piss. Like it was running down my leg. You know, you could smell it. I had a fucking leave there and shit and he was like, what happened?

I told him and he goes, just put on two pair underwear. Make sure you come back. Like he didn't goof on me or nothing. He told me put on two pair underwear next time you come if that's a problem. Because I had a friend in Boston who had that. But he was from Boston. Six foot six.

Big motherfucker. He goes, I had a friend that one. He loses breathing. So I know what you're going through. And I just kept going to him until I wouldn't piss my pants no more. And he told me, if you want to lose weight, you got to get in front of a bag

and just punch it for 30 minutes a day. He goes, do that for six weeks and come back and see me. And I lost like 30 pounds. And then I went to Weight Watches. But he was the first guy I trained with and I'd meet him at five in the morning. I was so out of shape and so embarrassed.

I started training with him. He gave me his number, guys, in February. And I didn't call him until like October. That's how embarrassed I was. And I finally called him. He goes, if you don't want nobody to see you, come at five. I'll train you at five because I got a professional at six.

And that's what that guy did to me. So when he died yesterday, I was really fucking sad for like, because I didn't know. Nobody called me. I saw it on Twitter. And then I called the Australian Justin. And Justin told me that they found him on the floor.

But he was in great shape, man. He was down there every fucking day punching. So he was in Vietnam. So he had something primed with Agent Orange. He had something with his stomach with Agent Orange because he was trying to get money out of him. There was something going on. So rest in peace, Macrofolio.

You stopped me from, you got me out of the 400 Club. That's crazy. He wasn't the one who had cancer? No, that was Justin Fortuna, had the cancer. Oh, okay. He just, he just, he was, like I said, I just talked to him Friday. And I usually would talk to him on Sundays.

But for some reason, I didn't hear from him for a week. So I called him last Friday and we talked. He goes, when are you going to come down? So he died Monday. So I feel really bad. So it happens, brother. That's the thing about this life. We're all going to go eventually.

Yeah, it's crazy. How could I, like, two days later? Two days fucking later. I did, like, both of my parents, parents passed away when I was young. So I dealt with it, not a lot, but enough when I was young. But hey, until Rowdy died last week, I hadn't, like, no one even, like, remotely close.

And because I'm friends with Steve, like, I saw it hit somebody and it's like, it is kind of weird. I saw Rowdy three weeks ago. And now just, they're gone. It's a weird, it's a weird thing to think about sometimes. That's why you gotta leave the house thinking somebody's going to suck my dick today.

Because you never know when the fucking boom is going to come down. And when Jesus is going to press that button, it's all over. Next thing you know, you're floating up to the sky. They're going through that shit. What do they spray? They spray crops.

Aluminum? Yeah. If they spray aluminum up in the air and now you're floating through it, like a fucking angel. What? I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. This is good weed.

Fuck yeah, it's good weed. I had some hash mixed in there. You know I don't fuck around. I had some old school hash from the one I drew. That shit was hard. Last night I smoked hash under a glass. Any problem? I haven't done that in 30 fucking years.

Under a glass? Oh my God. What is that? So let me tell you how you smoke hash under a fucking glass. I just so happen to have it here. The joy to use the mask. Okay. All right.

You take a fucking pin. You know these jerk-offs that put pins in their shirts? You know with peace signs and shit. You know it's got a pin and you put it in your jacket and it says vote for me. A 10th plan or whatever the fuck it says. Well you take that fucking stupid pin out of your shirt. Because you're not.

You look like a fucking moron. You put it on its back. So this is the back of the pin. And this is the fucking needle. Okay. So the needle is like this usually. You pop the needle up like this. And you take that fucking needle.

And you take this piece of fucking hash. And you take a lighter. And you go like this. And then you stick it in the fucking needle. And you take a chilled glass. You put a glass in the refrigerator. And you let that motherfucker chill. And you take this piece of hash.

And you stick it in the needle. And you light that motherfucker on fire. And you let the thing burn for a couple minutes. Then you blow it out. And you take that glass. And you put it on top of the hash. And you take that hash. And you roll it to the end of the table.

And you put your lips at the end of the table. And you smoke that glass full of fucking hash. You have no fucking idea. You understand me? Jesus Christ. You have no fucking idea who you're dealing with. That's what DMT. That don't do nothing to me.

That's why. Because I was smoking hash under a glass like that when I was like 15. Some buddies of mine would get that Egyptian shit that was stamped. That shit will make you see the devil. I've only smoked it once. Come over tonight.

We'll smoke some hash under a fucking glass. I'll put you in a different fucking dimension. For starters, let's get this party started. All right, on it. I love you motherfuckers. Eddie took two fucking alpha brains when he came in here. Listen, alpha brain is the shit. 100% money back guarantee,

and you don't even have to return the product. I've told you a thousand times. When a company does that, they believe in what they're fucking giving you, okay? As far as all their other products, I'm telling you, the hemp protein, the acai vanilla, or the chocolate, delicious.

The best chocolate flavor you'll ever put in your lips. The testosterone booster, the fucking coconut oil for your coffee. On it has it all. They got coffee. They got blenders. I can't help you with the blenders and the ropes, but I will tell you, I'll help you with the supplement.

10% off. Do you have any on it like bars or anything on you in here? Chocolate bars? Anything. No, I took them all back. I had the alpha brain. Nothing? I ate all that shit except the fucking,

the jerky. It's like deer or something like that. I can't eat that stuff. Okay. I don't like that stuff, but everything else, they got is tremendous. Listen, go to audit.com right now. I'm pressing.

Church. Boom and get 10% off. Don't forget about the new mood. Don't forget about the turnaround 180. Fucking fly. I mean, they've got nonstop stuff to help you feel fucking tremendous. All right. Number two, me on these.com.

Let me talk to you about me on these because they sent me some new shit here. I got to blow by your people, right? As far as I'm concerned, the most comfortable on their underwear out there working today for men and for women. When I go to Jiu-Jitsu, when I work out, I've always got me on these on because they keep everything in place. If I'm sweating my ass off, my balls always dry. They're nice and warm.

That's what you want. You want your shit to be in place and you don't want to have sweaty balls. That's what happens when you wear those cotton underwears. Plus your balls fall off because the elastic always goes on the fucking side. You don't have that problem with me on these, okay? I would lie to you and tell you, I have me on these on right now and they feel great. I don't have me on these on right now. It's 94 degrees.

It's humid as fuck. All I got on is fucking powder and straight up fucking shorts. Nothing but balls and love for you cock suckers. Anyway, what's that got to do with me on these? Nothing. What I'm trying to tell you is, me on these, they're comfortable. They got women and men selections. They got t-shirts.

They got shorts. Go to meonthese.com right now. Look at the great selection of women and men's shorts. You're gonna fucking love them. They got women's stongs. Listen, if these shorts keep my balls fresh, do you know what those stongs would do for your girlfriend's little fucking mancois? Huh?

You ever go in there and it just smells like baby powder? You're suspect because you expect to smell something. That's what me on these would do for your wife. Go to meonthese.com right now and press in. Joey. Boom. And get 20% off shipping. No.

Get 20% off your first order and free shipping to Canada and the United States. And don't get no better than that, cock suckers. Go to meonthese.com right now. Number two. I'm gonna tell you what I'm gonna do. All right. Get your first box on them. Nature box.

Tremendous snacks. They send you one big fucking box filled with five different bags of yum-yums. From the coconut almonds to what else? The chocolate nom-nom's, the french toast granola. I mean every week they're changing stuff over there at naturebox.com. And like I said, you know what? The first box is on them. Go to naturebox.com right now and press in.

Go to naturebox.com slash joey. Go to naturebox.com slash right now slash joey. And what do they gotta do? Press the information in and they got a box sent to their house on nature box. Who's better than them? And you know what? Limited time only. So get the fucking snapping, okay?

The end of the summer is happening. You wanna be skinny for fucking Christmas. You wanna be able to put away your whites and put your colors on and you're a fat fuck. You gotta go. Nutritionalist approved snacks. Naturebox.com and the first box is on them. I don't know what the fucking shipping is, probably two bucks, but the first box is on them. Go to naturebox.com right now and get the best selection of fucking nutritionist snacks.

Forget about the vending machine, cock-suckers. It's over. Naturebox.com. You know what the best thing is? They get shipped right to your house. You're sitting there stone scratching your balls, thinking about fuck. I wish a meteor would land on me. And all of a sudden fucking the UPS man is knocking on your door with a bag of goodies.

You understand me? You know who sent it to you? Uncle Joey at naturebox.com. But before we forget, you're saying Joey, what else you got from us today? Listen, how many times you get home? You ever get home? You're fucking hungry. You don't wanna cook.

Who the fuck wants to cook? That's the only time you think maybe I should get a butler. Maybe I should get a girlfriend just to cook. Some fat fuck will come over cook and polish my fucking knob once a week. But then you gotta put up a bullshit in the air, beating the story about their mother's foot. And you really don't give a fuck about none of that shit. Or you can hire a personal chef. Or you can do what I do.

Blue apron. Let me tell you something. They send fucking meals to your house direct. You got a box sent with a little refrigerator in there, like a little bag that's a refrigerator with fresh and delicious nutrients in there. I mean, unbelievable. You take them, they give you step-by-step directions on how to cook it. You fucking single guys that are sitting there eating fucking jack in the box.

McDonald's complaining about your weight. Here's your chance. You get fresh, nutritious, they're all pre-portioned. I'll tell you what they do, right? This week, let me tell you what the menu of death that they got over there. They got spiced meatballs. They got stir-fried ginger, basil, fucking chicken with a nice rice. And that's what the two people plan.

For the family plan, they got pork chops and some of vegetable rice. Yummy. And they got chicken thighs with wheel of pasta with a nice spicy tomato sauce. You can't fucking lose. That's on the family package. On the two-person package. Are you fucking kidding me? Spiced meatballs on a Wednesday.

You're sitting there fucking starving, watching bubble guppies thinking, what am I going to eat? And all of a sudden, you got a box delivered to your door. You go in there. Let's say you got a date. You want to impress this fucking Momo. You're cooked together. Who's better than you?

Do me a favor. What's this shit here? What's this shit here? What's this shit here? What's this shit here? What's this here? What's this here? Do me a favor.

Blue Apron sends gourmet recipes with fresh ingredients and that right to your door. I'll tell you what I'm going to do. Our listeners are going to get two free meals. Go to blueapron.com slash joey and start cooking delicious fucking meals at home with Blue Apron. Do me a favor. Go to blueapron.com slash joey and get two free meals sent to your house. All right.

Besides that, I don't know what the fuck to tell you. It's over. We got shit to do with people to see and read for the smoke. I suggest you motherfuckers do the same. Okay. Listen, next weekend, next Saturday, you're going to be sitting there. There's no UFC. There's nothing going on.

What times does it start to EBI? It starts at 7. Do me a fucking favor and what do they need to do? They either need to go to, if they want to order an online pay-per-view, go to budovideos.com slash EBI or go to Ticketmaster if you want to get tickets to see it live at downtown L.A. Saturday, August 15. But let's say you live in Omaha, Nebraska and they ain't got time to fly the fucking L.A. What do we need to do here?

Budovideos.com. Budovideos.com. What time does it start? 7. 7 o'clock California time? Yes. That's 10 o'clock Eastern time. Yes.

8 o'clock in Chicago. Uh, whatever the fuck. Check your own time zone. I'm here breaking it down for you. I'm too fucking high to be breaking time zones down here. But do me a favor. 90% of you are going to watch it. Maybe you don't live in L.A.

You're going to watch it on Budovideos. Open up your computer Saturday, connect it to your TV, get some popcorn, get some fucking blue apron, a little pork chop wouldn't fucking kill nobody. Then you watch some world-class jiu-jitsu. My little brother, Andy, has worked hard to put this together. And I'll tell you what, if you know anything about this fucking guy, you know he's going to give you the best fucking fight as he can get his hand. I mean, everybody wants to do business with this guy.

This guy's one of the top fucking dogs in jiu-jitsu. So do me a favor. Do a personal favor to me. You're not doing nothing next Saturday. Fuck that wedding. Fuck that cunt's house. Throw the fucking... Budovideos.com.

Budovideos.com. Pay whatever the fuck it is and watch E.B.I. You're going to have a great time. All right? Also, you're going to watch E.B.I. 1, 2, and 3 on YouTube for free. For free. Gratis on the house. Listen, if you don't watch Grace Gundrum next week, you're fucking wasting yourself.

If you're a real jiu-jitsu enthusiast, you should watch this. And especially those little fucking girls. It's going to inspire you like it did to me. Ever since I went there, my game picked up because I go more to jiu-jitsu. If I saw that little girl do what she fucking did, I could do half of that. I'd be a fucking killer. Right or wrong, dog. Right.

That's where it starts with Grace fucking Gundrum and go to the YouTube page. What is it? Go fund me. Cut this shit. You motherfuckers got money. You're holding on to it with your fucking long pockets and short arms. Anyway, next week, DC. I'm taping the CD in DC next week.

If you see Mrs. Obama, tell her it's all over. Uncle Joey's coming to town and he's eating that little black fucking raisin until it's dry. That little black raisin. Oh my God, I get thirsty. Just thinking about it. Oh shit. Cool.

That was a nice and slow one. I love you cocksuckers. Have a great weekend. Thank you very much. Thank you Eddie Brown for coming in. E.B.I. Next Saturday night, Lisa Yatt, Toronto for the podcast. Get down there.

LisaYatt.com for tickets. This show is brought to you by Blue Apron. Blue Apron sends gourmet recipes and all the fresh ingredients you need to make them right to your door. Our listeners get their first two meals free. Just go to Blue Apron.com slash Joey. We're cooking incredible meals at home with Blue Apron.com. With Blue Apron.

Go to Blue Apron.com slash Joey. The show is also brought to you by NatureBox.com. Go to NatureBox.com slash Joey and get your first box on them. They have all your favorite snacks, barbecue kettle kernels, chocolate nomnoms. Go to NatureBox.com slash Joey and unbox your world of taste and possibility. Get your first box on them. Go to meonities.com slash Joey and get 20% off of your first order. And get free shipping in the United States and Canada.

And go to onit.com and use Colbert Church to get 10% off of your order of all the great optimization products like Alphabrand, New Mood, Shumtec Immune, and Shumtec Sport. In the darkness, there's so much I want to do And tonight, I want to lay it at your feet Cause girl, I was made for you And girl, you were made for me And I can't get enough of you, baby Can't you get enough of me, it's kind I want to see it in your eyes Feel the magic There's something that drives me wild And tonight, we're gonna make it all come true Cause girl, you were made for me And girl, I was made for you

I was made for love in you, baby You were made for love in me And I can't get enough of you, baby Can't you get enough of me I was made for love in you, baby You were made for love in me And I can't get enough of you, baby Can't you get enough of me Can't you get enough of me I was made for love in you, baby You were made for love in me And I can't get enough of you, baby Can't you get enough of me, oh I was made You were made

I can't get enough No, I can't get enough I was made for love in you, baby You were made for love in me And I can't get enough of you