Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #307 - Ryan Sickler

Episode Date: August 11, 2015

Ryan Sickler, Comedian and Host of The CrabFeast Podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: NextIssue.com/Joey for a free trial of the Magazine app Next Issue Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for five Hit E Cig's for $50 Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by using code word joeydiaz. They are also produce some of the best edibles on the market, Los Gummies Hermanos Recorded live on 08/10/15 Music:  Moving In Stereo - The Cars Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet Hand Of Doom - Black Sabbath

This show is brought to you by Next Issue. Next Issue is the mobile app that lets you tap directly into the world's most popular magazines anytime, anywhere using your phone or tablet. The best part is Next Issue is offering a free trial right now when you go to nextissue.com slash joey. Honestly, it's a great app. I downloaded my iPhone.

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Contact naileditlife, also makers of Los Gumi's Hermanos. And the show is brought to you by hitesigs.com. Better tasting, longer lasting. The proof is in the vape. They have e-cigarettes and e-cigars. My dad went bananas over them. And he ordered like 10 of them using the Code Word Joey's Church to get 5 for 50.

He loves them. And he doesn't stop smoking e-cigarettes. And he loved it. So go to hitesigs.com and use Code Word Joey's Church. Oh, shit. It's a Monday night. A fucked up Monday night. It's a star twinkle, twinkle, little star.

How many stars did you eat, Ryan Sickler? You gave me two. Did you eat them both? I ate them both. It was fucking savage. Lee had three. The church of what's happened now, Ryan Sickler, Lee Sayat. Just when you thought it was fucking safe,

you're sitting there going, where the fuck did I fuck up? Kick that shit, Lee. The church of what's happened now, bitches. Monday, August 10th, the day the devil was buried at sea, fucked in the ass, raped, lit on fire. Then they shot him in the head in Ferguson, Missouri. Fuck it. Let's do this shit, hot suckers.

Let's go. Brothers got to work it out. Ferguson, it's time to start shooting some fucking people. It's all over. They shot 60 fucking bullets in what, two seconds last night? Oh, really? They had submachine guns down there, the fucking chief of police that never calmed down.

It never calmed down. It never is. Because every time something happens, somewhere else in the country, a little spark happens there. They don't forget that. That's the Midwest. It's not like they're living it up like the fucking Kardashians and their dad's switching busies, you know what I'm saying?

They don't have much. So when you don't have much, you get stuck on the same fucking song and dance, my friend. Well, I mean, it's kind of hard for Ryan and I to really understand. Is it that terrible being a minority in America? I think for white people, we know it, but we really don't. It depends where you live, Lee.

It depends where you live. Ferguson, Missouri is probably the equivalent to something like Harlem. I've never been there. It's like any other place, USA, where they have an African-American fucking community. And then inside the African-American community, they have three blocks of fucking hell,

where people go to buy crack, and there's hookers, and God knows what else is down there. And listen, man. I mean, I'll say this, too. You're from Baltimore. Well, and let's be honest. Let's go off. I am from Baltimore, but when I say Baltimore,

not those neighborhoods of Baltimore. You know what I mean? So I can't speak intelligently on what's going on. Just because you're from a city doesn't mean you can speak intelligently on what's going on in those pockets and those areas of that city. Yeah, people always ask me how to hang out. When people hear Baltimore, they think the wire.

I have never hung out in a neighborhood like that. I mean, they're there. That's all real, but I'm saying I don't go into those neighborhoods. There's no reason for me to be in those neighborhoods. I can't tell you what's going on in those neighborhoods. People always ask me when they hear Boston is Boston racist. And I've heard stories, and I'm sure in some parts it is.

Just the white people. Just the white. I've never saw it, but then again, I'm white as fuck, and I probably wouldn't see it. When somebody says racist, it's the five guys in the bar giggling, and all of a sudden they say, well, did you see that nigga chick last night? Is it that type of racist, or is it

racist that people actually put a fucking hood on and go out and pick fights? No. Boston, everybody gets along because you've got black guys in the Boston Celtics. What's the fucking black guys got put on a Boston Celtics? And big poppy. That's it.

That's it. That was it. They were like, you know what? I don't know about these black dudes, but they can play. Let's give them a fucking chance. But in all seriousness, I mean, in 1985, I used to hang out in San Francisco. And I used to hang out with these Cuban refugees.

Cubans had just come over, and they were putting them in different pockets. And I remember that there was this one guy that they would give you 20 nickel bags. And let's say that $5 apiece that comes out to $125 or something. They would give you like $50 bucks out of the $125. And there were days when I was broke, and I'd just go out and just to hang out with the guys, you could do 25

nickel bags in an hour. So just to hang out with the guys, they'd say, give me a thing, and they'd give it to you. And you'd hide them. You'd hide them under bumpers, in cars. You'd hide them. So if the cops come, you don't have them on you. And listen, man, every four fucking days cops pulled up.

And I'm a white fucking through it on paper until you take my license as Jose Diaz. In those days, I didn't carry a license. But my point is they would just pull up and jump out of cars and throw you against a wall. It's tough to be a cop in America. Yeah, I, yeah. And what's gotten taken away from the cops when I was

banging heads and I was out there getting pulled over and robbing and all that shit is the sense of community. OK, so Ryan lives where? Now? Yeah. Santa Monica. OK, so you live in Santa Monica. You come up to the valley tomorrow.

Let me see how I can do this. OK, you live in Santa Monica. You live on a block that there's a rouse and all this shit. And there's a neighborhood cop. Same fucking cop. Same fucking cop that's been there for years. And he sees you and he waves at your kids.

And sometimes he pulls over and you get in the car and let the kid fucking beat the horn. But you know him. His name is Phil, office of fucking Jones. And you get to know him. Three, four fucking years. Now, God forbid you come up to the valley. You come up to the valley one day.

We're all hanging out on the way out of the doors. You get into an argument with some kid. And you smack him and you get in the car and the kid takes your license plate. They go up to the valley here in North Hollywood. They do the paperwork. They come down to Santa Monica to put that warrant. Guess who's coming to your house with the cops from the

valley? Officer Smith. Because that's his neighborhood. And guess what Officer Smith is going to do? The guys that are coming down? Phil. Phil. What do you mean?

Officer Phil. That's what we said he was. OK, Officer Smith. Officer Phil. The cops that are coming from the valley, they're coming from the valley with one side of a story in their head. Do you follow me? They're coming from the story that some kid was walking

down the block on a skateboard. And my man fucking Ryan just bit slapped him and got in his car. And the cops could know that guy from the valley. OK, so it could be like his person. Right, so what a shame. The kids are great kids, so now they're coming down here with what?

With blood in their eyes. All right? But guess who stops him? Officer Phil goes, hold on one second. They're knocking on his door. I got to come with you. And he explains to him this has to be a misunderstanding. I know him.

I know his wife. I know his kids. He's a stand-up comic. He's a decent guy. So now the blood gets tanned. They want to hear your side of the story. They'll take you down booking. So you understand me?

You had that type of relationship with the police officers. I don't know what's happened the last 10 years. I'm not out there. But I know there's no relationship with police officers. There's no more neighborhood cop. So I know what a black neighborhood is. I went into them to get drugs. I know how they shake you down.

You know, in the old days, they'd have gun on their holsters. Now they're coming out shooting guys. And if they see any infraction, how many shootings have you seen in the last three years? And you're like, where's the justification for this fucking shooting? A lot.

Where's the justification for this fucking shooting? There's none. He got on the floor and the guy, what's the one that guy shot him a couple of weeks ago, the kid in Cincinnati? I can't look at the stories anymore. Yeah, one dude, he told him to reach for his license. He went to reach for it. Then he shot him and he even said, well, he's hit with it.

He's hit. And he's like, you told me to go for my license. I'm getting my license. Yeah. So who the fuck knows the pressure is to be a cop? I've never been a cop. When you watch these videos, for me at least, when I see a cop's body cam and I see it from their point of view,

to me, at any moment, it's like the end of Sopranos. Who's it going to be that's going to, you know what I mean? I think that it's so heightened right now that I would, I'd be scared out there. I'd definitely be scared. If I got pulled over today, I'd be scared. Yeah, I'd be the cop too though. I mean, I'd be scared if I was the cop too.

I would put my hands right out the fucking window and let the body, the cam watch it, put my hands out the window. I would do everything just, I was thinking about it the other day. What if I get pulled over at night when I come over from the commie store? I would just put, as soon as I open my window and put my hands on them with you.

And that's it. That's the end of the fucking story. Then when they get there, can I reach for my license? Can I reach for my license? I'm reaching for my license. I'm the same way. But even if things weren't heightened, isn't there always going to be some sort of tension

between the cops and, I don't want to say just black people, but for in this case, black people? Right now, in this part, right now in our world today, in the United States, there's a hidden tension with black people and cops. And if you don't think I'm, you'd have to. Yeah. You'd have to.

Okay, you get a call tomorrow. There's some fucking Cuban dudes smacking Jews people. He goes into synagogues and just smacks you and runs out. He goes into temples and I walk up on you. As your defense going to be up, or you're going to be glad to see me. You don't know if I'm going to smack you. Same fucking thing.

Every black person in America right now, whether they're a criminal or just a regular black person, after you see the shooting in Cincinnati, you have to be a little scared subconsciously. You could say suck my dick. They're going to suck my white dick or my black dick. But some consciousness that goes into your subconscious mind. So you have to be a little bit fucking scared.

I was always scared of cops. Always, me too. Yeah, me too. I've never been comfortable. Me too. My friends, his mom, she's, they're black. And she tells him, like, get your fucking registration on your car up to date.

Never give them, get your, make sure your tail lights aren't out. Never. Give them a reason. Never give them a reason. Never give them a reason. He can't give them a fucking reason. Just don't give them a reason.

You know, I see people and they tell you with stories and they come back and you should fucking know about it. At one of the night, we almost got pulled over by the guy in the North Hollywood Diner when we pulled into the cop thing. The cops were looking at that kid. He got away and started running. And there we are.

So they saw two people in the car. So they thought I had picked the hitchhiker up. They got right behind you. What? They thought I had picked the kid up because it was him and I getting the milkshake. They pulled up right behind us. I shit a fucking crack, man.

They got out of the car. They're gonna wave their guns. They're looking for a fucking kid. I swear we saw the kid. We saw the kid fucking running. It's not like we didn't see. If I'm telling you right now, I'm driving at night sober.

No weed in my car. I'm still paranoid. I still have a little paranoia in me. Even if I'm not a criminal, I have no warrants, no warrants, nothing. I get pulled over, I shit my pants. That's why I do not drink. I have zero tolerance drinking room.

Zero. When I'm in the comedy store, listen, you know what, man? I love you to death. I'm already high. I don't want to smoke. I don't want it on my persona. I don't want to know where.

I got an edible in me. They'll never know. I got Visine in mines. They'll never fucking know. Leave them the fuck alone. I do the speed limit double. Right, Link? I don't fuck it right now.

Pretty much. My dad was freaked out in the car. What'd he say? Well, because you took that turn that left right after the comedy store and he was high. So we saw the cars coming. Did Joey always drive that crazy?

I was like, he's easy on you. Your dad had a good time? My dad had a great time, man. We had a lot of fun. It's just, it's cool being older and spending like actual time with him. It's fun. Listen, man, the coolest thing in the world

is to be old and still be relevant in somebody's life. I can't imagine being 74 when kids coming up to me and putting a joint in my mouth and saying, grandpa, what up? And I'm not even that grandpa. They just see me and go, hey, man, my big brother used to listen to you. You wanna get high and I'd be like fucking,

even if I didn't get high and I had a fucking oxygen machine. If I'm 78 and two young kids come up to me and said, my brother said he saw you at the improv one night and you wanna get high, you ever get high with somebody old? Yeah. They have a great time.

A great time. They have, especially if you get them high for the first fucking time. Ari's dad is coming to the show on Thursday night. Ari Shafir at the DC. Oh, that's gonna be so fun. And I threatened Ari. I'm gonna give him a start.

Don't do it. Don't do it. His dad's never smoked or never been high. I don't know. I gave him the CBDs for his arthritis. Mr. Shafir's a trip. You know, and I played the message for Steve Simone and we both were like, that's where Ari gets his loyalty.

You can hear it in this guy's voice. He's got like that Yiddish accent. Right, man. You know, and it's just amazing. What a great message you left me about. He'd love to reciprocate the favor. If you're up in the DC area, please don't hesitate to call.

At least let me feed you. So Ari said, they wanna come see you Thursday night, so put them on the list. That's awesome. Should I give them a little edible or anything to make them dance? Yeah. What kind of Jew would I be

if I wouldn't give them a fucking letter? How could the fucking Jew God look at me and go, Joey, you're slipping. That is a top Jew I sent to you and you leave him fucking open-handed. Top Jew. Fuck yeah, you gotta give fucking respect to the top fucking Jews, you know what I'm saying?

Put in their food, have like a waitress slip it in whenever they're eating. Nah, that's messed up. It's your fee. You gotta let them know what he's, you know, I don't want them to go home and see a devil and say fucking Joey, tase me. Tase me.

You get back to Baltimore all the time? I don't get back as much as I want to these days. I used to go at least once a year. It's been two since I've been back. We just had a baby, so. Who's left in Baltimore? So I have a twin brother, fraternal twin brother left, but he actually just moved to Delaware

and my younger brother lives in Baltimore. I've got my cousins who, I was raised by basically grandmoms and everything. We have a product of divorce, so extended family. So I'm tight with third cousins, great aunts help raise me, stuff like that. So all of them are all still there. Not to insult anybody.

Don't take it as an insult. How bad is your life when you moved to Delaware? Oh my God, I've been to Delaware, holy shit. I tell him every time. My brother was there, and I don't know how. He does? But that's where he had to move to change. Like his wife said to him, I have a sister down there

and there ain't dick to do. If you're into boredom, like they have two beaches though. The summers are good. Yeah, there's stuff down there. The summers are good. The winters, he said, even my brother said, dawg, it's brutal. There ain't dick.

I go, where's the bar? He goes, there's a bar. I go, he gets coke from time to time down there. They got coke at least. Everybody's got coke. Well, the college, my brother went to you, Delaware. So there must be at least some college town. I don't know where that is.

But you're, I mean, you might as well be on an island. You really, you know what I mean? Like you're so far away from everyone else, two, three hours away from everybody that you know. So unless they're coming to the beach and you're on the way, that's when you get to stop by. You know what I mean? It's so far to pack up a family and go visit somebody

three hours back and forth. And then, you know, but- You got the ferry coming down from Jersey because I know my brother thinks the ferry's down. Yeah, Philly's close. You know, a lot of Eagle fans down in that area and stuff too, but it's cheap. It's where a lot of people can afford these days too.

You know what I mean? Property tax is so low and it's, there's no sales tax. It's weird when you go get something that says it's 367 and then they go 367. You know, like, oh yeah, there's no fucking sales tax here. So it's got its advantages, but yeah, you got to like to do a lot of nothing. I never thought about that.

Is there sales tax on houses? I have no idea. That's a good question. In California, it's 10%, that's a fucking lot of money. There's a lot of fucking, oh California, they rape you from A to fucking C when you look at the biome, especially now with the price of the home. Is it crazy?

Oh, it's fucking crazy. It's crazy. You see these homes and you go to a bedroom. Even if I gotta afford that, I need another bedroom. I need an office. And another bathroom, boom. You need a fucking two and a half bath. You gotta have a two and a half.

And when you have family, I like that. Listen, give me the small cubicle in the back that's just a shitter and a sink. I'm good, that's all I need. I'll turn that into the Taj fucking mall back there. I just need it wide enough to give a good leg spread. And I'll tell you a friend of mine, so we grew up together, his name's Eric,

I won't say his last name, but he ended up developing this crazy stomach problem in college. So they were giving him all this shit to drink to try to figure it out, they're lightin' him up, they can't figure it out. And he's got, at this time now, he had a kid young, so he's got a little girl. And he's just shitting himself with no warning.

He's going to the hospital, like what the fuck's going on with me? I don't even know what's comin' and bam, bam. So, that's what I'm talking about. So, and now I forgot the fuck I was sayin'. Your friend, he shit himself. He shit himself, yeah, he couldn't stop shit himself.

So he went to the hospital? So he went to the hospital, and I forgot what the fuck I was gonna say, the star just crept up on me. Fuck yeah. I don't. My question to you was, when this thing was going now with the police in Baltimore two months ago,

were you communicating with your family at home, or were they saying to you, were the streets deadly, it was a different part of town? Yeah, it's definitely a different part of town. It's the part of town that no white people go in, you know, that they're not there. So, a buddy of mine has a junkyard there in Baltimore, and he was talking to, he's close to it.

So he was talking to the people in the neighborhood, and you know, the normal people, the people that live there and work there, and they're like, they just burned down our CVS. So now, we have to go get our prescriptions somewhere else. Like they don't realize how much they put the community out. Like we got all gotta go to this other one,

it's gonna be overflowing, we're not gonna get our shit. They burned that one man's business down, you know, the business in their community. So, you know, there's, and then you hear all the other sides of the story with, you know, the Ravens are out there, and the Orioles are out there, and you're hearing it from the organization. So, it's been an ongoing thing that I think exists

in a lot of cities, and I think like you said, they're waiting for that spark. And, you know, I wouldn't be surprised if we saw it again in Detroit or Chicago or somewhere else, especially at this rate. And it's only gonna get worse because there's more shoot, like there's more movie theater shootings, so the only way to stop that is by putting more police

out there, and if you think about it, there has to be, they're gonna start putting cops at movie theaters. When I worked at a movie theater, there were cops there on weekends. There were? Yeah, fuck yeah. In the theaters or at, like in the lobby area.

In the lobby area, so they would need more, but I mean. With guns? At least you can neutralize the shooters. Sure. And you're there and you have a response team there. You know, they're big enough chains. Those chains charge $6 for that fucking popcorn, you know? You go to get popcorn, it's a 20,

and then the fucking entrance is a fucking 20 for you and your day. You should be protected. Yeah, you should be fucking protected. I'm not, you know. And listen. How much more vulnerable can you be in a dark room with your back to everything?

And your guard down. Completely down. And if you're watching Mission Impossible, there's people shooting. So the first 10 bullets, you don't even fucking know. And that's what everyone else thinks in the other theaters. Guys, this is not good. This is not good.

This is, right now, studio, I had to sit and they go, and listen, we're about to lose. Educated people, they're gonna wait until the movie comes out. Especially what the TV's people have now. That's it, I'm not going, I'm not risking it. You know, the other day I was watching, they sentenced the kid to life in jail and people were angry. And the lady who, you know, listen, I love mercy.

And one thing I've told Terry since day one with anybody's children is I would never put mercy in a bad position. I eat, there's no reason for mercy go to the commie store. You know, people think it's cute. I'm bringing my kid, listen, there's no fucking reason. There's no reason for mercy to be in the screening of Batman at midnight, at any age.

They took a baby into the movie theater. I mean, God bless the baby, soul and the mother, but listen, you fucked up. You know, your child is a fucking mothole or old and you're gonna say Batman, Batman's not important. In your fucking life, then we, you know what? One part of me, you should have been shot in the fucking head. If Batman is that fucking important to you at midnight,

you know, and this is what I don't understand. This is the other thing, like we become a fucking weak country by even supporting, you know, Batman, the Fantastic Four, all these fucking movies, how old are you? If you're over 12, I can't see you going to one of those fucking movies, seriously. I'm not being cute here. If you're over 13, I cannot see an adult going

to one of those fucking movies. That's all that go to it, to those movies. That fucking tells you the society we live in. Yeah, I haven't seen any of that stuff. I would not go to a fucking superhero movie. Some of them are good. You fucking paid me. Do you watch them at home?

Oh yeah. Yeah, I'm watching them at home, oh my gosh. Some of them are good. Some of them first ones are good. Some of them first ones are good. That first Iron Man was good. All those three Batman's were good. The one Iron Man I went to see was 22 minutes too long.

They wouldn't die. They wouldn't kill him with the fucking guy. I can't deal with that. There's a chance to go home. Let's go. End this fucking thing. They don't have an ending for these fucking movies. Well, that's because there's always a fucking sequel.

It's a beginning and then there's no fucking ending. It's this garbage ending. I listen, those moot, listen. Here's what kills me about a movie, that you people are listening to me and you're like, Joey's a fucking asshole. He talks about movies. Let me give you my perspective.

I came to a country and anybody who walks into the United States of America before immigration and you ask them those stupid fucking questions, pull them aside and ask them, what really made you come into this country? And they're gonna tell you three things. You know, those three things, they're gonna tell you American film

and how it influenced me. Scarface, the beginning. What does he say in the pitch meeting? When they got him sitting down in immigration, I see the guys like, don't free Bogart, James Cagney, any fucking immigrant that comes in here when they see a big screen in a movie theater, your heart stops.

When you see an American film on a movie theater, your heart stops, your heart stops. Every fucking immigrant that comes in here has their favorite movie or pictures of America, how that movie is described. They will tell you, you know, Lucky Lady or every Russian watch the one with fucking Robin Williams suicide board,

what movie he make, the Moscow on the Hudson. Every Russian saw that fucking movie. Suicide board. Rocky Four. Yeah, Rocky Four. There, come. You know, they see those movies and it means something to them.

So when I came to this country, yeah, I saw fucking The Love Bug, which, come on, guy, when you can't speak English and there's no subtitles, because I never like subtitles. Till today, I won't go see a movie in some time. Is that how you learn English? I learned English by watching American television.

I learned English by going, and once, and it's the weirdest fucking thing, because I will, when people have this argument about their children not watching TV, I shut my fucking mouth. But if they ask me, I go, I lived on TV for the first years of my life. I know the Dick Van Dyke show Word for Word.

I know three of mother-in-laws, Word for Word, because that's how I learned English. I would compare what they said and then read signs and put two and two together at the age of four and five. But I still remember going to see The Love Bug, the America's strongest man with Jim Michael Vincent, when he picks up the weights and his arms fall down.

Come on, guys. There was a couple of them that you go see as a child, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Oh, I remember Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Dr. Doolittle with the fucking animals. Also, I wanted to collect two of everything, whatever the fucking was. Wizard of Oz came one every year on TV.

And then you got like a crazy uncle. Now the Saturday, your mom is busy and she ain't even fucking thinking. She ain't even thinking right. She's like, hey, do you mind going with your uncle on Saturday? He's like, yeah. You know, in fact, I'm gonna take mine.

He like, what? And all of a sudden he picks you up and he's like, listen, what movie are we gonna see? You're like, you know, bananas, you know, whatever. And he's like, no, we're gonna see the Charles Bronson movie. And at first, you're furious. Fucking Charles Bronson. Who the fuck, whatever the fucking was.

For me, I think it was yet, or it was Clint Eastwood. It was one of those dirty Harry ones that they took me to. I was in shock. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. It was early in that. It was either Stone Killer. Were you the Stone Killer come out with Charles Bronson or the Vellacci papers?

First time you were a little kid, a Cuban kid? 73. It was before that. Which one was that one? Vellacci papers? Stone killers. Vellacci papers. F or V?

V. Okay. It was one of those gangster movies. I remember still going to see Death Wish and going home. 72. And going home and like looking in the dictionary to see what Vigilante meant.

Yeah. Like Vigilante was the biggest word I knew at that age and I couldn't wait to go to school and drop it on these motherfuckers. And I fucking, you know, I got that movie. In fact, go to YouTube, Death Wish Rape Scene. That was the first rape scene I ever saw in my life that I should have never seen.

Okay, same situation. Same thing. I was at a birthday party. The adults were watching something in the room. We had trickled in, get some more Kool-Aid, whatever. Maybe like nine. Do you remember the original Bad Boys? It was Sean Penn.

Oh yeah. And the kid from Death Wish. Is it Isai Morales? Isai Morales. Is that right? LaBamba. LaBamba. He was Richie Valens' brother.

Well, he hit some with the pillowcase. Yeah, with full of soda cans. Full of cans. Yeah. I think it was a revenge thing. He raped his girlfriend because Sean Penn killed his brother or something. Right, they raped her on the outside.

Is it this one? The other one on my mouse on? Rape two. Which one? It says there's two of them. Oh, no, no, no. Death Wish. But so that's the same way I saw.

That's which part one. I'm sorry. I'm very sorry, my brother. Yeah, that said part two, 11. That's it. Two, 11. They follow a home. Look at, look who it is.

Look who the rapist is. Turn around, guys. Look who the rapist is. You guys didn't see that? Look who it is. That dude? No. Look.

Oh, that's a goblum. Goblum, yeah, yeah. Eric fucking goblum. This is what year, 73? Let me look it up. Jeff goblum. Jeff goblum. Yeah, that is him.

This is a weird fucking. 74. This is a weird fucking, this is a weird trilogy because then they moved to LA and they got raped again. Who moves to a different city and gets raped again? You gotta be the kisser at that point. At that point, you gotta put like one of those things

on your pussy like in the medieval times. A little lock, lock it down. But yeah, so I was at the party and I remember seeing him lay on her. He raped her underneath a train. The train goes by as she screams. They can't hear her scream. And I knew, I knew what he was doing

and I knew it wasn't right, but I remember asking what's happening. And I'll never forget one of the adults quickly said, he's biting her. And I said, y'all don't wanna tell us what's going on. But yeah, that's exactly what, that's where I saw it in that movie. It's shocking.

It's never left me. It's never left me. I have the same story, but how far? Keep going. Just keep going. Let's see what you'll see. They go in, here you go. Watch this.

This is horrible. When you're fucking 10, this is horrible. This was horrible. I remember they ripped his shirt or something and I fucking, I almost shit in my pants. Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Everybody gets hurt, mother.

Just hold still. Don't move. What do you want? Don't jive, mother. You know what we want. Wait, I'm not gonna hurt us. I don't know if you got money. Ah!

Nobody, nobody. No! Hey, mother. Look at the artiste doing his art. Isn't that beautiful, mother? My purse is in the kitchen. Just stand still. We'll do as they say, Carol.

Where is your purse? Fucking swat stick. It's 1974. I fucking believe it. Where's the class, huh? Where's the fucking class? Shit. You only got four bucks.

I got three. Two bits. You gonna get this shit kicked out of you, mother? It's all we have. Rich people like you, shit. We want money, mother. Now get it. It's true that's all we have.

Look at the singer from the Smashing Pumpkins. Yeah, I was gonna say it looks like Billy Corgan. It's like Billy Corgan before the songwriting. Jesus. Yeah, this is 19... This is disturbing. This is disturbing. This is disturbing.

This is disturbing. You seen this at 10? Thank you. This is heavy now. They say Trump was bad to women. Jesus Christ. Trump never did that to Rosie O'Donnell. That's disturbing for a young man.

Oh, yeah. That fucked my world up. Oh, man. I don't even know if I should put this on Easter Eve. Man, this is a much harder one than the one I watched. The only one I had to watch was him lay on it. Yeah, lay on it. No, this is horrible.

This is horrible. Alright, turn left, Lee. That's it. What the fuck? You're gonna put along the drama. I'm over here fucking crying over here. You might as well put on the fucking champ. We're fucking what's his name?

No, that was... Oh, shit. Look at Lee. Lay in the mood a little bit. Yeah, just to pick it up. What the fuck? We got some time. I want you to know I rallied around the star

and I remembered the story I forgot to tell. See? So we were talking about... That's tight. No, this is the fucking... I love Tony Bennett. We were talking about having the two and a half bath, okay? A friend of mine developed that crazy stomach problem,

couldn't stop shitting, goes to his wife's company Christmas party at someone's townhouse in Maryland, okay? And when you walk in, like townhouse you walk in and it's got stairs that go up, but they sort of go back deep, not terribly wide, but a little bit, and there's always a half bath

right when you walk in the front door, right there on your right, just a toilet and a sink, okay? He's got these shit problems. He's going upstairs to the main bathroom. He's going to the second one. They're all being used. It's a, you know, a small townhouse

with like 100 people in it. And he's telling his wife, he's like, I'm gonna have to shit in that half bath. And the living room is packed full of people eating and everything. She's like, don't do it.

He's like, I'm gonna have to shit. I'm gonna have to go in there and do it. And he just said, sorry. And he went and did it. And I mean, he said he was in there for 25 minutes and came out.

He, the whole, he said the food, everything. He ruined everything. The party fucking, they all left. They all fucking left. And she had to go back and work. Well, he didn't have to see him.

She had to see him. They were like, man, your husband shit this house up and ruined the fucking. That's a horrible, horrible situation. That's hard. You go to something. But you need that half bath though. Listen man,

I used to do a lot of coats. I go to people's houses. I do two bumps of coat. And the first thing you gotta do is take the shit. And I tell them, you got another bathroom. I go, no, use that one. I go, oh Jesus.

And listen, the worst shit you'll take are the ones in somebody's house, the sticky ones. You get two rolls of toilet paper. They don't have no more rolling paper. You gotta fucking yell out for them for fucking toilet paper. The worst shit I have to take are when I'm out, you know,

at that coffee shop we go to, Marie E.T. Oh really? And you gotta run to the bathroom and there's somebody in there shitting already. I get furious. Yeah. Well, sometimes I just drink coffee and you gotta pee.

And I run to the bathroom and somebody took a shit in that bathroom. My blood pressure goes 200 over. I get furious. People shit on the outside. Because I try my hardest, not to shit in the street. Oh yeah.

I really do. I really fucking do. I hate. And I always have to shit when I'm leaving the house, it seems like. When I'm just about to leave the house, that's why I'm calm. I get up at six.

I give myself a few hours. Fake it out a little bit. No, these people will leave the house and expect to go to somebody else's place, a residence, a business, and fuck up their vacancies. Your friend, I understand. He was very sick.

I don't want people coming over to my house and taking a shit. No, hell no. Not like that. Especially. And you know when people come over and they look like, Ariel come to your house

and go, can I use your bathroom? That means fucking you're done. You're done. You're done. I haven't had a house with a guy for a while. My dad was just here.

There was a family story that we went to hit my aunt's house, his sisters, and he pooped and then my cousin went and impugned. She was like 10. From the smell?

She came in crying. I'll go dicky. You made me puke from your poop. How many fucking places that I go to when I was doing blow and I destroyed the bathroom to the point where the toilet got stuck. Because when you do cocaine,

it loosens everything up. You start dropping. Everything. Everything. Pah, pah, pah, legs, chicken wings, bones. Oh my God, it's fucking horrible. I miss cocaine.

There's a matchbox. That's the one thing about cocaine. You do it and it cleans you out. And then you're running on an empty stomach the rest of the night. Your stomach is growling but you don't want to eat because you're fucking doing pout.

It's tremendous. I'll never forget. My grandmother used to tell me this story all the time. My grandmother was hip and she and one of our cousins, he was older, but they shared a birthday,

December 8th, I believe. And they would always get together for coffee and hang out on their birthday. And they went to this place it was called White Coffee Pot Junior back in Baltimore and they were sitting down

having coffee. My grandma said, oh my God, I need to use the bathroom. So she goes into the ladies room. She's telling us this. And she squats over the toilet and she's got terrible diarrhea. And she said,

I cleaned myself and when I was done I turned around to put the toilet paper and nothing was in the toilet. And she said, I looked up on the wall and it was everywhere. It sprayed all up on the wall

and she's like, oh my God. So she runs out and washes her hands and as she's getting ready to come out, here comes a female attendant to clean it.

And my grandmother just looked at her and goes, I don't look with some sick son of a bitch in there, did. That's disgusting. Hulled ass out of there, grabbed my cousin and said,

we're getting the fuck out of here. It was perfect, yeah. It was the timing of death. She just thought quick. It's fucking disgusting. I can't even be in here. I almost hit myself the other day. I was at the urinal

when my mom, when my dad and Paula met and I was taking a piss and I thought I had to fart. And it almost came out. I was able to stop it at the last minute. It's a horrible situation

when you shit yourself. I do it once a year. Just do it. You don't know. Only once a year? You eat bad food. You don't know. You go there for the first time

and people are like, oh, it's great food. And you go in there and they give you that fucking can shrimp. That can shrimp goes through me. Like water, yeah. Last week, a bunch of my friends said

that golden chopsticks is good. I'm low on candy. I've always driven by it. So do you know what, honey? You want Chinese, I want Chinese. Let's go to the golden chopsticks. Mercy didn't want to go nowhere.

So I go, I go get it. We ordered it on the phone. The shrimp was horrible. The wings were delicious until you bit into them and then you could see they were glued together. Like the 7-Eleven wings.

They're purple. They got like the low-grade of wings. Like the chickens got cancer or something. They got weak wings. Their wings break. The wings were delicious. And the best wings in LA, 10, 15, my wife was saying,

best wings you could ever have in LA or at Rice. I went to Siena, got next to Vito's pizza down there. Oh, I know where Vito's is. There used to be a place named Rice next door. Now it's something else. They serve sushi.

But 15 years ago, when I was 418, anything I got to be 418, I would go to Rice and get three order of wings. Six, two, and all the garlic wings. No sauce, no blue cheese,

no celery. Just fucking winged meat with garlic, juice on it. Chinese style. Fresh. Delicious. 6.95 a piece.

Really? 8.95. I didn't give a fuck. Me and my wife were gonna get the lunch special and three order of fucking wings. The tables, and my wife said to me,

she goes, we never had those wings again. Just delicious. And this place, the wings were, like I said, they were, I didn't get sick the next day.

I'm not gonna lie to you. The pork fried rice was, I didn't eat a lot of it. The shrimp and garlic sauce was just horrific. And it was the shrimp. If they were to use the size, size big or whatever,

once you give me those little shrimp, you're insulting me. Yeah, thank you. You wanna use those for shrimp fried rice? I'm not mad at you. But for shrimp and garlic sauce, you gotta go a little bigger. And we got something else.

I ate some white rice. And that was it. I love shrimp, but I don't get it very many places. Like it's, I'll have to go to like a Thai place for a while before I try like their shrimp pad Thai.

I'm a seafood snob, man. People, shrimp cook in like two minutes. People overcook them. They're always rubbery and shit. And then you start freezing them. They don't know how to freeze them. They'll fuck all that shit up.

I told my wife to stop buying the shrimp from Costco. Yeah. Same thing. The big bag we went. And then you would go out and eat shrimp and you're like, Jesus, that tastes like real fucking shrimp. They give me that old,

and I totally, that's that old fucking, some Jew. Listen, when they drop that exxon on us, some fucking Jew is like, go down there and buy everything up. Sharks,

everything that's floating over there. We'll wash this shit off. And we'll freeze it. We'll freeze this shit. And that's what they did. Some fucking sick fucking life, dude, went down there with a shit. You're probably right, though.

I think I'm kidding. They don't show you that shit. They got to save them fish. If they weren't sold here, they were sold somewhere else. They were sold somewhere else. They scooped those little exxon oil fish before the oil goes into this thing.

The BP one, I think you're saying. BP, exxon, they all cost. They all, yeah. They wash those motherfuckers off and you freeze them. You put some salt and pepper on them. They're freezing like that.

And you sell them to fucking whoever. They don't know what to fuck you. And that's what I think that Costco shrimp is. It's definitely like related to that shrimp. Like they're second cousins to that oil fucking shrimp. All right. So you're going to school at Northridge. Oh, yeah.

Now, when the fuck do you go? I'm going to get into standup comedy. Well, all right. So at 20 years old, a friend of mine was dating a girl whose dad was managing a club in Baltimore called Winchester's on Water Street at the time. I'm 20.

And he was like, I think you should just try. Go try it. So I tried it. And it did well and I liked it. And you know, the funny thing is this is 94. No, 93. And they paid me $50 to open fast forward to 2015. You get into the improv $50 to open.

I still think that's amazing. So I do it for a few months. And then a bunch of life shit happens. And I don't start again until I move out here. I moved out here. So let me backtrack a little bit. I've always wanted to come to California. I've always loved comedy.

Wanted to get in. I didn't know if it would be stand up or what it would be, but I wanted to be here. So I used college as a way to get here. I majored in mass communication, got my AA at community college. And the day I'm coming to Cal State Northridge, I got in, I'm going to have a room with three other guys.

I'm like, oh, good. I'll meet people. Get out to California where I want to be. Northridge isn't that far from Hollywood. I can do shows. And I'm sleeping at my friend's place. And his mom wakes me up and she's like, turn the TV on. I turn on and she's like, you don't have a college.

And I'm like, what? I thought it was a dream. Like what's going on? And it turns out the Northridge quake hit Northridge as the epicenter, destroyed the college. It was on MLK day. So fortunately, not a lot of people died because, you know, offices are closed, all that thing, all that stuff.

That was January of 94. That's right. That's exactly right. January of 94. I'm coming here and I'm going to go to school and I'm going to do start stand up when I'm here. But then the earthquake happens and I come anyway. And I met a dude through a friend and just live with him in January.

Actually, it ended up being Dice's old place. He used to get his mail all the time. Andrew Silverstein's mail used to come to us all the time there. And then I finally got out to Northridge because we didn't start the semester until February because the school was destroyed. I mean, you would drive these streets. Were you out here then? No.

No. You would drive the streets. I mean, think of, try to picture in your mind a business front. Just tilt it on its face. I mean, just destroyed. Fires coming up through the streets from the gas pipes and families at the corner of Recita and like Burbank. There's a big park.

And people who didn't have homes were intense and the National Guard bordered it for them and protected them in there. Like, it was fucked up. I mean, it was a big earthquake. So finally we start in February and I'm like, all right, you know, I'm going to go to class and I'm on a sidewalk.

I'm all under a tree. I'm in a trailer and the whole time now I'm in a also a, I'm splitting a, I'm sharing a bathroom with some other guy on the other side of this little studio, which is now I'm not meeting anyone. You know what I mean? I'm just walking to class and the place is devastated. So I go back home in the summer.

I come back and they're like, hey, you're not an in-state student. We can't admit you because we've got to let all the in-states back. We're bringing, you know, they're trying to get money and I'm out of state, but they wanted to give me money to live there and I just didn't, I wasn't going to owe some institution money to just chill in California. So I drove back to Maryland, graduated from Towson and then came back

and that's when I really started to... What year was that? That was 97 and I got into improv first and I did the groundlings and I went through, I went into the writing lab and at that point it was started to become, you can, you know, start auditioning for the Sunday company and that, but I wasn't, I didn't want to do that.

I was already doing stand-up while I was doing it and I just wanted to write and learn how to do that and build characters and tell stories and then just took that back to doing stand-up. I started, the reason I got back into stand-up was because I went to do the groundlings and they have like a, between like level one and two, there can be up to a year waiting list

and I just didn't want to stop the momentum I had started with comedy so I was like, you know, I'm going to go back to stand-up and that's when I, first show I met Sam Tripoli and I mean, we've been buddies ever fucking since. I saw him do that goddamn stripper in a wheelchair and I was like, I fucking love this guy. I love him. And then it's just been, you know, built from starting then.

You know, I would just do, my first start, I would do once a month. It wasn't until I was probably two years of just gigging and doing mics that I started to, I got into the improv through the comedy store and started just opening and I opened for, you know, a lot of comics because it was easier to get opening work than it was feature

because a lot of those guys brought their dude back in the day. So that's how I got into it and then just stayed doing stand-up. I just, I love stand-up, but podcasting, I mean, it's my new, you know, you guys have been at it a while and I haven't, but it's my new favorite format. I mean, I love the freedom and the, you know, openness and being able to be you for a while and, you know, not have this to say.

Well, you've been doing it for a while. Yeah, we've been doing it a while, but, you know, there's, you know, guys, Rogan and Karola and Marin, these guys just blazing, trailblazers though, hard with. We're still here. We're still here. A lot of people have started and gotten out of it. I gotta tell you, I've always had a really emotional side

towards Baltimore. And you know what? I got a memory for all dumb shit and I could sit here and I don't know the name of the club. I went to Michigan when I started coming. I went to Dearborn to a place called Joey's in Dearborn. I think it was Joey's. It was that chain and they were very nice to me

and the guy that was, his name was Ed Balaska. And after my first weekend there, he booked me for a month in the month of August. I went there Memorial Day weekend and he goes, do you want to emcee? He goes, in the summer it's slow. So I do a two-man show. I'll put you in the hotel

and your house emcee. I said, okay. He goes, do you have any other work? I go, not really. Whatever they give me in Denver. He goes, I got a buddy in Baltimore. I'll give him a call. And he came back in and he goes,

this guy said, if you drive there this week, he needs an emcee. They paid me $300 honestly and I drove to Baltimore and they put me in a condo across the street and they had just rebuilt the waterfront. Yeah, the harbor. The harbor and that's where the club was, okay?

Till this day, the guy was very nice to me. They fed me. I ate shit. I'm not going to lie to you guys and tell you it was Denver. He did call me back. I'm lying to you guys. Was it Slapsticks back then?

Jesus fucking, I don't know. I know the guy was as sweet as pie. That's good. He didn't bring in national headliners. He brought in local guys. Once a month he had Paulie Shore and at that time he had Anthony. The nice kid from the show was coming.

Yeah, the Boston show. The Boston kid. It did last comic. Clark. Anthony Clark. He didn't have it, but besides that it was guys from Detroit and guys from Albany.

And the time I did it was a guy from Detroit who got me in with Yoda. So you see how it works? He got me in with Yoda. I forget what his sister ended up marrying the singer with the dreds and he beat her and cheated on her. But he got me into the Yoda

and to the Milwaukee room. This is how comedy works. A lot of people think, by me going to Baltimore for $300 I featured for this dude and the feature act was a black dude that was cool as fuck. And he goes, I usually headline

but I took this because I come down here and they eat the crab cakes and my sister leaves me. So we started talking and he goes, where do you want to work? And I said, I want to, he goes call me in a week. I called him in a week.

He called Yoda. There was no package. There was no tape. There was nothing. Yoda gave me like two hell gigs and I didn't call Yoda for years. But in the meantime he got me into a little headlining at the Comedy Cafe

with the gangsters. Did you ever work for them? J.D. when he used to own the motorcycle gang. He used to run the motorcycle gang. So the whole staff was fucking gangsta suits.

Oh really? And he weighed 500 pounds. He was a big Indian looking Samoan motherfucker. J.D. and he would pay you with a gun on his desk. It was crazy.

Thursday night he would take you to dinner to this fucking place. Like the Booyah tribe. Oh my God. This guy had always hot chicks. Always hot strippers. Every time you went there.

Thursday night he'd take you to this fucking dynamite home cooking place. Home cooking and Milwaukee. Saturday he fed you at the club and then Saturday if there was two feet of snow on the ground there was a guy outside grilling dog.

He paid a guy like three bills to build like an igloo and grill shit. And I'm talking about real deal barbecue with beef and shit. He took care of you. He was cheap to pay you. That's why I didn't go back.

I did it twice. The condo. Oh my God. If there was ever a worst condo award that one would be in the top fucking voting. The couch was worst. It was like beige from all the sperm throughout the years.

It was... What kind of was it originally? Oh my God. Like a green. Like a fucking lime green. Every room was different. Every room had tape on the windows and a fucking gate.

You know, like a fire gate so nobody could break in. The back window had a water bed from the 60s with a mirror on the ceiling. The fucking bathroom was disgusting. I decided as a headliner

to take Jodi Ferdig with me as the feature act. And I had to pick her up. She passed out in the car from being drunk. Do you know Jodi? Yeah. Okay. She passed out in the car on the drive.

She got a bottle of Zambuca somewhere one of those fucking exotic drinks. I said, drink the thing. I'm just going to drive. We get there. Four in the morning. There's a full of snow. I picked her up.

I put her on the chair when that poor girl woke up. She's like, Jodi is where are we? This is the county county. It was disgusting people. All right. Was that the worst one you've ever been at? A hotel in Wyoming one time

which I could not believe till this day. I just remembered it. I just remembered it recently. What else? The La Jolla Comedy Club. The comedy store, La Jolla condo on the beach and everything. But I saw two rats

in that motherfucker that was rival of New York City rat. And listen people, listen to the church. You know I don't bullshit you motherfuckers. Once I see a rat, I shake your hand. It's all over. I'll never come back to your house again.

And if I see a mouse saying fucking thing, if I see a lizard, I'll make a comeback. But a mouse, a fucking water bug, we got no reason to talk because if they're in your living room, they're in your cabinets, walking on your fucking Wonder Bread. I know how those fucking water bugs.

Silverfish, how do you feel about this? Those little mice, those little field mice. I see a field mouse. That's the last time I'll talk to you again. But it's funny, you were talking about Northridge. When Northridge hit 94, I was a full time starving comic hustler. And if I gotta tell you about the times

I was having a great time, the only thing that was eating away at me at that time was my beef with my ex and her husband. At that time we were gonna kill each other. But besides that guys, I didn't have it, I didn't have it that bad. I had a Joey Diaz style. I had a job which paid me like 600 a month

that covered my coke bill. And then everything else I lived by was whatever I stole or I put together. It was fucking ridiculous. But I had people on contract back then. Like I tell a story about that time when that guy came up to me, he goes, I'm gonna join the mafia.

He goes, how do I join the mafia? I'm gonna tell him, that's easy, I'll make a call. You send some money, they'll take care of you. This guy gave me like two grand. And he called up to me every six months talking I never got a letter, I never got nothing. But I had this guy. Listen to me, it's fucking,

and he still calls me once a year. He lives up in like, but his wife's a millionaire. His wife's a stock market who hit big or something. And he just drives her around and picks the kids up. I can't, you know, but then. But you have to feel like he just thinks like, yeah, I'm gonna ask an Italian guy. I had a guy.

We should just send him a certificate. I had a guy I put together for like a pound of weed. Like for a month. I knew he was, he wanted the weed. And like every time I'd see him, I'm like, I don't have it for you. But pretty soon he goes, I got the money at the house. Guys, even when I needed money to eat and snort blow,

I wouldn't hit this guy up. Because I knew all I had to do was ask him when the 800 was gonna be there for me. I put him together on weed that didn't exist. In the Stanley Martians Green with red flowers. And I'm like at the draw. And he's like, come on, I can make money. 800, when am I gonna get it?

Because I had some weed other time. I told him it was 800. So I went to this kid. I went to this kid before I went to New York. I robbed this other guy for a valium shipment. I told this other guy, give me, you know, a thousand valiums, I'll give you $300. And I'll be back on an hour.

And on the way out of town. These guys are handed over before they get the money? Oh please. I was around, listen, I'm the best. I could set anybody up because I would give you time. Amateurs will call Lee and go Lee. I'm gonna bind. Give me 300 dollars on Lee.

No, Joey. But if I call Lee and go Lee. And about a week I'm gonna call you. I'm getting this coke. You ever tell me about the chink? Well who's the chink? The chink. He's a Colombian dude.

They call him the chink. He gives you cocaine and a fucking leaf. And he gives you an orange peel for you to suck on at the end of the night. So you come down off the cocaine. And people go, what are you talking about? Listen. It's like 3,000 an ounce.

He's gonna give it to us for 2,200. All right? Give me about a week. And people would hang up on me. And then I'd torment them little by little. It was the best coke you've ever seen. And if you were an addict like I was, I know how to get into your head.

And I would just set you up. Slow game. And I would slow game you. And adventure. And then now you'd want to give me the money. Yeah. Now you'd say to me, when are you gonna give me the fucking blow?

I'm sick of you. You're not a bug in the fuck out of you. The chink's coming at town next week. I'm the 2,200 right now. Over. Boom. Lights out. But this poor kid in Boulder gave me 800 for a pound.

Do you know five years later, I'm at a girl's house in New York. And the phone rings. And she looks at me and she goes, it's rents for you. And she gives me the phone. A house phone? And I'm like, hello? And the guy's like, hey, what about tomatoes?

We're smoking it right now. Anyway, I had this kid. He had a Chinese restaurant across the street from Mustard's Last Stand. In Boulder, there's a hot dog place from Chicago. Hot dogs. That's a great name. With pickles in that motherfucker. Mustard's Last Stand.

Mustard's Last Stand. That's fucking great. And across the street was a Chinese restaurant those days. I put together for comedy, right? Okay. So I put them together for comedy. I had my friends do me a huge favor. I had this kid, Todd Jordan, and this kid, Rick Kearns.

I made the bar guy give me a $100 tab, and I told him to give me $350 for the comedians. So I ended up, I gave Todd Jordan $150, I gave the feature $100, and I kept $100. So whatever that comes out to be. So I made a little money, but Ron sold $3,000 at the bar. He had never sold that much. And I met Ron selling neon. I used to sell neon door to door. What?

So I come in, give you a fly with an open sign. How much do you want for the open? In those days, open signs were just becoming popular. $200. I don't store the fee. $200. I give you... The little yes were open signs?

Yeah. And he goes, $200. I give you $150 in Chinese food. $50 credit. No, fuck that, Ron. I want $200 and $100 in credit. Fuck it, Ron. Okay.

You install it right. Okay. His name was Ron. You install it right now. Do you know how long I milked Ron for? I had Ron paying my rent. I had Ron giving me... That was a bad motherfucker.

For one sign? Listen, one sign, he paid me $204 and it cost him $10,000. In those days when I put my hooks in here, it was all over. It cost him $10,000. And then I did the comedy show and I put money in this pocket. And if you know anything about Chinese people, once they do $3,000 at the bar, they lose their mind. He would call me every day.

And I knew I had Ron. I go, Ron, listen, I got... So I had Ron for like a year on the... I had Ron on the... I had Ron. Ron still hasn't recovered. Ron's gone through his books like... Ron would never know.

There's this whole area right here. It's all in the fucking room. I had Ron. He would never be a baseball player. I would call Ron. Hello, who's there? Ron, it's Joe D. It's Ron.

You're going to be there in 10 minutes? Yeah, yeah. What's going on? What's going on, Joe? Listen, I got a big deal going on. I'll be there in 10 minutes. I'm going to tell you all about it. We're going to make a ton of money.

No, no, you tell me. Hang up on it. Hang up on it. I'm going to make a ton of money. I'm going to tell you all about it. We're going to make a ton of money. No, no, you tell me. Hang up on it.

Hang up on it. I'm going to go crazy. By the time I got to the restaurant, he'd be out there. Where you been? Where you been? Tell me about a big deal. And I go, listen. And I just make up a name.

Like, listen, you know John Wayne? Yeah, I know John Wayne. Listen, he wants to come and have him come in here and do comedy. Bring him into the pub. He's going to be 350 right now from the ball. 350? Yeah, 350. And I already got the guy waiting on the corner for an eight ball.

And I have to check. I'm going to take the dinner for the other hundred. And I got a hotel room for 50. And I'm not even, you weren't a condom. I'm crazy as fuck at that time. And no one's going to show up. Fuck. I would take him for 300, 400.

Only after like six months, one day he came to me and he goes, when is, you know, I don't know, I was counting the balloons. She was coming. Like, I was just dropping names. John Candy's coming. I'm going to get him. I did one. This whole Chinese restaurant.

I did one. I did one. I did one. And I milked that poor Chinese guy. I was so broke doing comedy. I ate three meals a day in there. I was going there. Ron, where's my tag?

You've been in like 11 when they opened for breakfast. 1101. I was in there in the kitchen. In the kitchen. In the kitchen making my own soup. That's how pimp I had it in there. And he told me, don't make your own soup no more. You take all shrimp.

Fuck that shit. I would take the shrimp and the fucking wontons. Once I made, I learned how to make Chinese soup. I didn't like it no more. See, I always thought they had the same fucking chicken broth for each thing. So all they do is take the chicken broth, put it in, put three wontons in.

They sprinkle it with pork and fucking onions. And they bring it to you. If it's egg drop, it's egg drop. If it's the other one, they mix it together with the noodles and whatever. But it's all the same fucking Chinese mix. Yeah. I knew that shit down.

I got to be so friendly with Ron that then I took over another Chinese restaurant. This was the... Are you just taking over Chinese? No, you got to change. You're like the mob becoming silent partners. You're bleeding them dry. Oh my God.

I was taking over Chinese restaurants. You got to roster. Listen to me. Now, Ron was in North... Ron was by the college. What was this guy's name? This was... Ron was by the college.

After six months, one day, Ron questioned me. He questioned my love. I give you $3,000. You eat here every day. No, no John Wayne. No John Candy. No Clint Eastwood. I had this poor guy sweating.

Then I started bringing him stolen shit. And then I would bring him stolen shit. Like if I would go to the mall and steal like three big pens, like the gold pens, I'd bring it. Wait, you get this? No, listen, I fell off the truck. You know, I knew the mafia. Then I had this other dude, an Italian guy.

And I used to tell him I was Lamano Negla, but I was coming to collect on Friday. This guy believed me and went to Tony Ledizio and told Tony Ledizio if I shook him down again, he was going to call the cops on me. This is Boulder, Colorado. I was going crazy. And I was just out of prison.

I was just... Is this what you thought of during prison? Like all these little... No, no, no, no. So then, listen to me. So now, there's a Chinese restaurant in North Boulder that was men's and men's. It wasn't that bad,

but they were next to the biggest video store in Colorado, which I heard now they're huge. Boulder on 28th Street or 30th Street, don't fucking buy a wrapper hole. They used to have a three-floor movie, a video chain. No porn. Oh, I mean, whatever you want. Like a three-story blockbuster?

I used to go in there and fuck with them. Yeah, like a three-story blockbuster way before blockbuster. And I used to go in there and fuck with them. I used to go in there and ask them for Harry in your pocket. Just obscure names. And they'd hit me and go, we don't have it in stock, but we'll have it here in two days out of Denver.

They had a warehouse in Denver that was huge. And that's where I used to go when I first started comedy. So I would go in and I rented every day the Rodney thing. Dangerfield? The Rodney Dangerfield special with all the guys on it. Yeah, young comedians. And I would also take the best... What's the black one from HBO?

Def Comedy Jam. Def Comedy Jam with Joe Torrey is the warm-up. I rented it so much that they wouldn't even charge me anymore. That's how good they were to me as a comedian. I'll never forget that. But next to that place was a Chinese restaurant. And they were okay. They had some good rice.

They had some good... And the kids were good-looking. There were nice boys. There was two or three boys and the mom. And I would go in there by myself. Then I started bringing people in there. Then I would have people meet me there. That was the place where me and my buddies were sitting there one day.

And I don't know what the fuck we're talking about. Me and Rizzo. The kid's name was Rizzo. He's from Long Island. He's a big fact kid. And we're in there fucking eating sparrows. We're going to go to the comedy works. He's driving me to the comedy works.

Because I didn't have a car. And on Tuesdays, we would leave work together. And we'd go eat Chinese food and we'd go. And this couple got up. After we were talking, this couple got up. And on the way out, they said, let me explain something to you. We were listening to your conversations.

You two are barbarians. He goes, if I wasn't with my wife, I'd take his boat outside and beat your ass. This guy was like an older guy anyway. What were you talking about? So I started going into this Chinese restaurant. You know, once or twice a week, the lunch special wasn't bad. And I got to be honest with you, the food wasn't bad.

You know, hey Joey, hey Tony, hey, whatever. I became friends with the guy. One day I went in there. I don't know if this is true story. I don't fucking know what it is. With no Dorae me. And I told the guy the truth. I said, listen man, I forgot my wallet.

He goes, dog, you're always in here. You take it. Take it with you. I took out the food. And two days later, I brought them to $30. They were happiest shit. And after that, I became family. The mom talked to me.

The brother talked to me. So I would talk to them more and more. I was lonely. I was going through a heartbreak with my ex-wife. And I would go in there three nights a week. You know me, dog. I'm simple. I eat Chinese food every fucking day.

The hell he is. For the soup, they had the whole thing. One day I had my daughter. I had the basement. I lived in the rocky basement. I had no money. And I called them up like a man. I said, listen man, I'm going to bind.

I got my daughter. I got no dog. What do you want? And when they came to my house, the brother sat me down. He goes, listen, you've been coming to our restaurant for a long time. I see you bring people in there. He goes, from now on, you run a tab. And you pay us when you have the fucking tab.

That can only happen to me when I'm a starving comic, living in a fucking basement, addicted to blow. I'm a fucking single dad. I got no dough, every penny. And I'm not feeling bad. I'm just telling you what I was going through. And look at this door that opens up for me. I could eat Chinese food every fucking day.

And here's these people telling me, look, from now on, call us. We'll deliver it and we'll put on a tab. Hell yeah. And for a while, I would just give the kid a 20. He goes, there's no tab. Because he was the owner, the delivery kid. They fucking worked. There were two kids.

Well, finally one day I go, dog, I'm in there and they're talking shit. And guess what happens? They're like, a delivery boy quit. Uncle Joe got a license. And I got a map and some glasses. And they're like, you want to deliver Chinese food? I'm like, fuck yeah, I'll deliver Chinese food. What nights you got?

And they're like Tuesday, Wednesdays and Thursdays. Give them to me. Fuck it, dog. I was walking out of there with a yardstick. And Chinese food. And Chinese food everywhere. And I became friends with them. And then guess what Uncle Joe started doing?

What Tony Soprano didn't want? People selling cocaine on the fucking Chinese road. So every time I had delivery, I would go out and sell fucking blow at the same time. People would call me up. You got to grab a coke yet, but you got to order Chinese food. Boom. But then all the Chinese, come on. God, who the fuck do you think you guys are dealing with?

So I would tell the people. I mean, what was the code word? No, not that. That's a good question. They would call and ask for Joe. And I would pick up the phone. Increased you of business. You must have brought 25%.

People going in there to see me. Come on. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. I was just on the do stand. And here's where it gets back. The delivery guy. The delivery guy. 25%.

Listen to me, dog. And here's where it's getting back. And I'm walking out of there with a yardstick at night. I'm selling blow. And I'm weighing it. I'm doing everything there. And in those days, I was such a fiend. I would keep it there overnight.

I would hide it there. And they would never use the back bathrooms. So there was nights I'd go in there and put a line of coke out. Two lines. I'd do one. I'd forget. And I'd walk out. I'd come back two days later.

That line of coke was still an attention. It was still there with the American flag on attention track. I couldn't believe it. These fucking Chinese dudes didn't snort fucking book. It was tremendous. But here's where it gets better. So I'm there working. I'm hustling.

I'm eating my meals there. I'm living like a doctor in there. I'm bringing my daughter in there. I'm running fucking coke out of there. One day I'm walking. And I'm like, hey Joey, we run pool. I want to play pool. And I go, I'll play the fucking pool.

And they thought they were cute. They're like, we only have one team left. Houston Rocket. And I go, I'll take the fuck. I'll take the rockets. The rockets were like, the odds were like fucking 12 to one that they would even get to the second round. They won the championship.

Yeah. And they had it when they gave me the 500 cash. You should have seen those motherfuckers. Not only was I running game out of there. Listen, I swear to you guys, I've been with you guys for three years. You ready for this one? It got to the point. And then if the phone rang five times, three of those calls were for Joey.

They couldn't believe it. Coke orders? Coke orders. Three of five and 25%. Every delivery I've made, I knew the people. People knew when I was there. Half of them knew. It no longer became random people ordering from this Chinese place.

It became, you knew every fucking place. Me and my creepy fucking cocaine chain. And there was a fucking trailer park where, the Kyde Loop, what's I tell you, his name was Alex. Remember that trailer was in the halfway. He called it to the show early on. The very big Mexican dude. Mexican dude.

Years later, Alex lived in that trailer park behind there. And in the back of that trailer park in Boulder, it was like fucking La Bamba. It was like 20 illegal Mexicans back there. That's why I was picking up coke. Listen, if cocaine was in those days. Wait, that's where you went to get it? Listen to me. It was a trailer park with white people living in the front.

And then as you got to the back of the trailer park, like it was one house white, one house Mexican. But as you got to the back of it, this is 1980, fuck, this is 1994. As you got to the back of the trailer park, it got dark, but they were illegals. And they were the ones that mowed lawns and shit. But half of them were there selling fucking powder. And I mean, right off the fucking brick. I don't know if they were cartels.

Then I mean, pop. And the thing will come out in the air like it would float. Are you serious? And they wouldn't even use a scale. They wouldn't even use a scale, these motherfuckers. They became such friends that made me talk in Spanish that I would go and I'd pay them for two ounces. And I'd take a home.

There was three and a half ounces because they'd just break it, pop. And they just put chunks all the way. And then I'd take it. They were brown. They were brown. Mexicans. Dark. Like they walked here like they were.

And I forget what their name was. You know me dog. You know me dog. I never fucking asked. I never fucking asked how they got here. If they use suntan lotion or brand it was. I never asked them. They gave a fuck about SPF.

I didn't ask these motherfuckers nothing. All I knew is they had some fucking coke. That was tremendous. I was making money. I was working on this Chinese restaurant. And you know what man? That was one of the things. I knew I had no future there.

I knew they were going to figure that. I remember going in there and going, I'm going to go on the road as a comedian. They were all very nice to me. They were Vietnamese. They weren't Chinese. But they cooked Chinese. And they were so nice to me that I was like fuck the war. I'm going to forgive you.

I'm going to hold a grudge against you. You held a personal grudge. I don't know. I'm a little kid from Cuba. I come here and the country is at war with somebody. I want to be an American. So psychological I'm supposed to fucking hate you. If I want to be this gung-ho fucking white kid.

That's in the back of my mind. I wouldn't even talk to Vietnamese people. We're at fucking war with you. It took years. It took years to unwind. My stupidness and my... You got mad that it got Korean dumplings? Oh please.

We just went to war with you. He called me and he said the Chinese were here first. They got dibs. They got dibs. You got to go ask them respect. They got dibs of Chinese. They've been here since the fucking railroads. The Korean's been throwing sidekicks for 30 years.

Take some Taekwondo. The fucking Asian Chinese people were here with the fucking railroads and shit. So how long did you do comedy and bullshit? Wait, I have a question for you. Do you dream in Spanish or English or both? Both. You do have Spanish? I mean dreams where everything's Spanish or...

I always wondered that about. And do you only speak other languages? No, I just speak Spanish and English. I understand a little Italian. It's fucking crazy. I've always been a spiritual guy but I've always believed that my father looked over me after he died. I always really... My mom put it in my head and people that were his friends said,

listen, we know one thing, he's watching us. You know, just in 20 fucking years I've been watching the sopranos. 20 fucking years I've been watching the sopranos. I didn't watch it for like three years and then you hooked me on them. I've been watching it again. So I started watching them again. And for the first time last night I realized Tony found out Pussy was a rat because of a dream. Yeah, that's right.

It was a dream that it came to him. So sometimes I get something in a dream and I don't know how I feel. And a week later, let me tell you something that happened. I told you guys that fucking Nakafo we died. And that day I talked to him that Friday. He died on a Sunday or on a Monday. They found the Monday morning. Tuesday I was a kettlebell class with you.

We were on our backs. And when he said to do the back thing, the Turkish get-up, I went to the other side because there was more room than the air conditioner blows down on you. I'm not stupid. There's a fucking air conditioner blowing a fucking iceberg and everybody's sweating like a pig. I go right on. If I got to do sit-ups, I got to go into the air conditioner. If you got to do sit-ups, that's hard enough.

You got to go into the air conditioner. That's the only time I put the air on a motherfucker. I don't care if I hate you or not. Listen, I don't like it too much. But you're going to be doing sit-ups without an eight-pound ball and get the air conditioner. So what were we talking about? Oh, so I turned around. I lay down on my back.

You know when you pop yourself up to get air? Yeah. I turned around and I looked at the boxing mitts. I swear to my mother. I looked at those boxing mitts. And by the way, I thought about Makafoli. And I'm like, when I get out of here, I got to get Makafoli. I might have to go to Hollywood tomorrow and I'm going to get blood.

And I get home and I go on Twitter and it says RIP Makafoli on Twitter. Are you serious? It went like that? So I'm the type of guy, listen, that first song I put on Twitter every morning, that first song, when I wake up, I put a song on Twitter. Guys, I got no reason to lie to you. That first song is the song I'm hearing when I'm pissing. That's your wake up?

I'm talking about when I'm walking with the robe on with horrible breath, scratching my balls, and I go pee. That song that I hear when I'm peeing, that's the first song. Like the song in your head, not even playing? It's not playing. That song came from a dream I was having that night. I love music so much that I dream about music. Somewhere along the night, I dream about music.

When you do the alpha brain, you have vivid fucking dreams. The scary fucking dreams, the first couple of weeks, you get a couple of headaches. Then you get over it and you feel like you're mine. But this, when I dream, Terry will tell me. My wife will say you were speaking Spanish last night. Oh, you will? Oh fuck, yeah. And I know the nights that I speak Spanish, the reason why she hears it through the sleep apnea mask,

is because I'm either having a conversation with one, I'm having a conversation with my godmother or somebody from that era, somebody I spoke to in Spanish. Way before I had sleep apnea, people would tell me, dog, you know you speak Spanish and you sleep. I was just getting on my mom's death. I could just imagine what my dreams are going through. I was probably talking to one of my brothers on the phone or whatever the fuck it is.

But yeah, I dream in Spanish. I don't dream much, but my, I have one particular dream a couple of years ago. So my father died when I was 16 and he was everything to us. I mean, he was everything. Where was mom's? My mother decided to split. She cheated on my dad and then they decided to get a split in, we were going in the sixth grade. And they were apart for a year.

They got back together and then like a couple years later, boom, she won it out. So she left and he ended up, he took custody of us. Now where's your mom Ty? She's back in Maryland. What did you talk to her? I see her at my brother's parties, like when they had the kids and stuff. And I don't, I'll never, I'll never make that about me, especially in front of those kids. So the minimal, I would say we both speak to each other.

Yeah. Which is really what she's involved mostly in the family anyway. Her choice. That's what she wanted. My dad wanted all of us. You know, they went to court for it and my mother said, I don't want Ryan. Derek can come with me if he wants. I want Todd, the youngest one.

And my father's like, well, I want all my kids. But if you're going to just give custody to my wife because she's the mother, then I think they should all be together. Like I'll sacrifice it. And the judge was a woman and she just was blown away to hear a mother say that, you know, I don't want this one. I'll take this one if they want. So she gave my father custody, made my mother pay him child support in 89. Like you don't hear that often today. So we live with him for a while and then he died.

He had a heart attack. We found him in his bed in the morning and that was just when everything changed. Life changed. He was 42. He's my age right now. Yeah. I mean, I would be so, I think about it all the time. Like God, 42 is fucking young.

And he's got two 16 year olds and a 12 year old. And the day he's buried is my brother, youngest brother's 13th birthday. So we ended up having to be put back in with our mother and we raised ourselves. We were two 16 year olds and a 13 year old. We went to school every day. We signed each other's permission slips. We drove each other to school. We had all our friends come over during the week.

Like their parents really, you know, we had our normal. None of us got arrested. We certainly had the police over, you know what I mean? We did. We had our fair share of trouble, believe me, but nothing, you know, that got too fucking crazy. So the parents knew we were good kids and liked us and they let their kids. I even talked to all those guys and I'm like, would you let your kids go on a Wednesday night

and no, no. And I'm like, yeah, but yours did. We got to remember to be that fucking cool in the right situation, you know, when we're parents. I was thankfully because that all we had was our friends. So we can come back to the dream I had and I don't dream much and they don't really mean anything. They're, you know, if I dream something, I'm like, I don't know.

I was in this weird fucking place that kind of felt like the kitchen, but it wasn't the kitchen, you know, that bullshit. But this was, I was in a helicopter and I'm flying it and I'm not flying it well and it's all cloudy around us and it's bouncing off the ground and, you know, it's going up and looping the fucking thing and I turn around and my dad says, pull up on it. And I look back and I'm like, oh shit, there's my dad here. And he's telling me how to fly this thing clearly like he's done it before. He knows exactly what I'm supposed to do up there.

I'm nervous because obviously I'm, this would be an emergency situation that I would ever be fucking attempting to fly a helicopter. And I feel that in my dream. So I start to get it. We're getting ready to go under an overpass and I pull up and then we get it level and we come up and then this other helicopter comes over alongside of us. And my father, I look back, he's face down now. And I don't know if he's dead or passed out or what.

This helicopter comes up, opens their side door. Our side door opens and my dad just points over at it and then I fucking woke up. And I was like, that is probably the answer to everything and absolutely nothing at fucking all. But to me, I don't dream like I've never dreamt like that. And I was like, wow, that was a, so I've certainly looked into that a bunch as like you need to fucking, you know, take that jump, trust and take that leap wherever it's going. And that's what I've been doing for a while. You know, that story broke my heart a little bit.

I didn't mean to break your heart. No, no, no. All that shit breaks my heart. But at the same time, I'm very proud of Lee. And that'll leave hilarious this morning when we were talking when Lee's father was in the car. And he goes, well, I'm coming back in February. I go for a month this time. And I could hear Lee wanted to take his car and crash it into a fucking suitcase.

I love my dad, but it's a long time to have him in there. And it's a long time. You don't. And you were tormenting me the entire time. Yeah, I have a Mexican girlfriend whose mother doesn't speak English. The entire weekend in front of me, he'd be going, hey, Mr. Silent, let's call the mother-in-law. Let's get you guys together. And I'd be like, well, she'll speak English and he would go perfect.

Oh my God, he was down for anything. But you don't understand where a guy like myself, have you ever gotten over your father's death? I mean, honestly, no. I've never gotten over that one. I've gotten better about it with time and I've certainly dealt with it. But yeah, there's, I mean, especially having a kid now, too, can't help but not think of him. Being that age, I'm 42. He was 42, like that goes through my mind.

I always say this, I want to be something. And my father was everything and I loved the man, but I want to be something that he never was. And that's an old man. I want to be an old man. He was not an old man. At least I act. I don't give a fuck if you slag off on this job. I don't give a fuck if you don't show up.

As long as you keep prying your dad out twice a year and spending time with him. That means more to me from a human being, especially me who lost my dad. And that's what you guys don't realize at home. You know, I call you 10 times a day. Once I start liking you Ryan, you're going to get calls all hours a day. About nothing. But he said once I start. Oh my God.

Because people have been taken away from me. So the people I like, I want them to make sure we have no misunderstandings. If I die in my sleep, I want you to say, that motherfucker called me last night and said, I have to answer the phone for the cops. He got me really high one night and it was a night that we were yelling at this dude on the phone. Like trying to beat him up. And then he kept calling me, don't answer the door when the cops come. Can you imagine if somebody calls me and says, Joe, did you hear about Joe?

He had a heart attack in his sleep. Oh my God. He's going to fucking cry. But then he's going to go, that motherfucker was calling me last night. Telling me not to answer the fucking phone. Do you understand me? I thought you got to have fucking fun, man. You got to have so much fun.

And if you have a parent, listen, man, if you're not in a relationship with a fucking parent, this is why I'm pissed in so many ways at my ex-wife, because she knows how I felt for years. You don't have a parent. You yearn for one. Oh yeah. You yearn for one. And sometimes I might not like a motherfucker. And also I'm at the store in a comic I might not like walking, but he'll come up and go,

this is my dad, Joey. And I'll go, that'll turn my whole perspective. Now I'm going to give this guy a second look. I didn't like this guy. But look, he's walking up to the bar. He's buying him a drink. They look like they have a great relationship. And his dad is also there.

And his dad is there. That's supporting. You know, I respect that. And people don't realize as they get older that, you know, when you go to a, that's a big issue in those nursing homes when somebody comes to visit you. My nephew is here. You know, you make like a big deal when you're old. Right.

You just say it because it's big that people are even fucking thinking of you. You know, I was telling, when I was like 16, I was a kid. I used to hang out at my mother's bar and there was a bookie there. I don't know the combo. If I think of people who made me laugh growing up, nobody made me laugh harder than I know because he would always say perverted things to me. Like he would always ask me if I'm pissing sweet yet. What does that even mean?

I don't know. Like if I'm coming to something, he would ask me if I'm eating chicks assholes and all this shit. When I was like 10, he would ask me for it. And I started thinking, this motherfucker is crazy. But I, you know, he was at my mom's bar every day and I learned to love him and his brother and he had kids and daughters who were really dynamite. And after my mom died, they closed the barn.

I went around the corner to a bar called Otto's and I got a job there in high school. I had no mom and I had to make some money and the guy knew me so he gave me a job even though I was like 18 and I had never, there was no bar backing job for 90 days. This guy hired me. He's a bar and shop bar. And Arnato now sat, Arnato was his name and he would sit there in the afternoons and take number till three, but he would have drinks and he had a great living guys. He was in unemployment or disability the whole year round.

I don't know how the fuck he did it. And he was a bookie and he got maybe 50% of what he took in. He was probably taking in 10,000 a week guys and he'd sit there all day. Remember, in those days when you come into a better number, you gotta have a drink. Give him a drink, please. I mean, boom, you leave. Arnato would be tanked at three o'clock. So one night I tell Arnato, listen, I'm bartending tonight a bunch.

He would always tell me, when are you gonna fix me up with that hot chick? When are you gonna fix me up with a hot chick? So one Monday I call him up with Arnato, go home at three, take a nap. Tomorrow I don't think Arnato's getting a girl. I'm 18. Arnato's gotta be 58. And he's a good looking dude. He's a big guy, like he's got muscles, but he's got a big pot belly.

Huge, huge, bigger than mine the longest you're on. He went out like five feet, but he was built, you know, and he would sit there. So that Monday night, this is like my third Monday on bartending, and I tell Arnato to go show up at eight, and there's gonna be some chicks there waiting for him. And I had no chicks from him, but I knew hot chicks were gonna be there, and he would just get a kick out of it. Just because I knew the type of guy, he would get a kick out of it. So he's sitting in the corner, and I send three chicks over there from high school.

I go sit next to my uncle Arnato, and he don't speak no English. He's Cuban, he don't speak no fucking English. He don't speak no fucking English. He's fucking sitting there like, ah, ah, laughing. And all of a sudden the girl's like, you wanna smoke pot? And he's like, get these things, it was Antonio. And I'm like, if you wanna smoke pot, he's like, yeah, yeah, I'll smoke pot, I smoke pot, I smoke pot. You know what I'm saying?

He's trying, he's old, he's trying, and I'll never forget the look on his face, that these people that were young asked him if he wanted to get hot. And listen, they used to be regular bamboo, like regular rolling paper, and then they used to be big bamboo, and it was like a joint and a half. And in those days, all those girls were pot heads, and they used to smoke chocolate traumatized. But girls, that's the thing, oh my god, this weed, fuck, it was chocolate tie. I've had chocolate tie. It was chocolate tie weed from Jamaica, and they would sell it up in the little Jamaica incense stores in Harlem in those days.

So they rolled the joint of this, and we were smoking pot in the fucking bar in those days. This is before Medical Man won a license. We didn't give a fuck, at least I had. So we sparked this joint up, and there's Arnardo in the corner table with three hot chicks. Eighteen-year-old chicks, and they're puffing away, and they're giving them the joint, and he's taking it, and he's doing a Lee at first, and then he's giving it to them, but I'm waving at him, and he's waving at me, and he's talking to the girls, and that joint goes around two times, and it comes to him the third time, and he hits it,

and he gives it to the one girl, and the girl doesn't want it. He gives it to the second girl, and I'm watching all this from the bar, but he's a soldier. So everyone says no. And he keeps hitting that fucking thing. And he keeps looking at me, like waving at me with the joint, like, look at me. And he's giving it to the girl, and he's giving it, and nothing. And all of a sudden, I give it ten minutes, I get busy, and I look back, and he's looking at the chicks like that.

He's sideways. And it's chocolatine. It's not just regular weed. You know, it's in the hyacinth. And this motherfucker. But he's doing it the other way down. That's what I love about him. This motherfucker's doing it. He's going down swinging. He's like, fuck this, oh man. He's gonna have joint. It's burning his finger.

He's all not the deal. And he's still passing the joint to the broad, and they go, no. Finally get busy again. I look over, and he's passed on the table. And the girls got up, and he's snoring. He just smoked himself to sleep. Oh my God, we had to carry him home, and bring his doorbell, and bring him up the stairs to his wife, 18 years old,

me, Larry McNeil, Darren Rago, and Glenn Conte. Oh my God. Fucking hell, that Otto's Bar and Grill dog. Let me tell you how I had Otto's Bar and Grill on fucking lockdown. How do you just take over these businesses? Let me tell you how I had these fucking momos on lockdown. All right, so at the end of the night. I'm gonna get sick.

At the end of the night, you had to register. And what they did was you X'd out, which means you paid out, and then you counted the money, and then they had the credit card, and the cash, and the draw, and the, you know, people coming on the tab. And then he would come in the morning, but he was a drunk too. The guy played on the Chicago Bears, Chicago Bulls. I forget what his name was now. If you give me a couple days, I'll give you.

He was a white guy, didn't really play. If you look at the lineup in 73, or 72, he was on the Bulls. He was a white guy from unison. In fact, he just died. I looked his name up a couple of months ago, he died. But anyway, let me go on a story short. This is what you had to do in those days, so. Wait, wait, one second.

92 to 73, or 73 to 74? What? The Bulls. He played 1973, but you got to look at the team picture. I don't remember his fucking name. Okay, so you look at the roster. That's another way. Yeah, I'm at the roster.

73. Teddy Martiniak. That was his fucking name. Wow, you just pulled that out. Teddy Martiniak. That is fucking professional. Okay, and he had Otto's Bar and Grill. That is fucking professional.

In front of Otto's Bar and Grill, something I'll never forget. Right in front of Otto's Bar and Grill, every day from 11 to 6, was a sabrette hot dog cart with those fucking, no, no, no, no, he did not have steak on the stick in those days. And he had moved from 29th Street. He was on the corner of Chappie's in those days, a flower shop across the street. In fact, I used to run with a dude there, his name was Nunzio, AKA his cousin is the kid from the office, the Spanish,

Mexican kid. Oscar? Oscars. Nunzio, how's that one for you? That's how I'm dropping fucking heat from out on you. Oh my God. So let me tell you how I took over this fucking joint. Hold on.

Was this hot dog stand better than mustard, a mustard's last stand? Yeah, this was a New York hot dog sabrette. New York style chili with some onions and stop it. That's a bad motherfucker with a can of coke in the wintertime. You're out there freezing. Shit. Shit. All right.

So you took the fucking cash. From where? Listen to me from the register. Oh, okay. All right. Let's say in the daytime they wrote up maybe two grand and at night maybe they did 3,000. So they had 5,000, maybe 4,000 in cash. So this is what the bartender was supposed to do at the end of the night.

Whoever the chef does, you got a day shift and a night shift. You're supposed to reach under the fucking bone and take an envelope, a regular envelope from a box and put the cash in there with the receipt, lick it and go to the back to the refrigerator, open up the margarine thing and put it in there. And you go in there and martiniak was a drunk. He wouldn't show up for days. So there'd be 10 envelopes. All right.

Yeah. So when I was there, come on guys, that's as easy as out. Yeah. Take an envelope, rip it open, take a 50 and put the thing in the way it was. So now there's a discrepancy on one of the fucking nights. So now listen to this, guys. You're bleeding them dry. I was bleeding them dry while I was working there.

All right. Here I am in high school, a senior, bleeding them dry. I had all my buddies down there on Monday nights. They got three beers for the price of one. On Alabama Slam, I got them fucked up. Fucked up. We're in fucking height. You want to eat them?

Let's split this last start. I'm good, man. No, no. Let's split this half start of respect. No. We'll do the... There's the start at this shot. This is the cousin to the start at Chack Kennedy in the head.

Kennedy was waving in Dallas and the same start came out of a window and just blasted him in the fucking head like this. Are we really splitting this right now? I already hit three. Who gives a fuck? Oh, fuck. You can't walk on one leg. It's Monday, motherfucker.

Kick out the jams, brothers and sisters. You got to lead by motherfucking example. You know what I'm saying? I was walking so high. Just because you're marching up and down the street don't mean you're fucking starting a revolution. What? So, I just went nowhere.

So, they fired me. Listen to this one. Yeah. I made a spare of the key. Got both. No, you didn't. Yes, I did. Of course you did.

Come on, bro. In those days, I was fucking full. That's the first... You definitely got a key guy. That's the first thing they did to me. A key guy. That's the first thing they did to me. That's the first thing I did when they gave me the key.

I put all my money on Joey Diaz as a key guy. So, what I did was, ready for this one, I fucking would go to this city, get fucked up, and then I get sick. My friends would go, we need more coke. Fuck it. Take me down the autos. I'd open up the bar, go to the back, take an envelope, and now since I wasn't working there, if there was four envelopes, I'd take a hundred of them, and take one whole one.

I fucking... For later. For later. So, every envelope would be missing in your hot stick. No surveillance in there, yeah. No, it was 1982. And then they finally fought. Then they said fucking because a bagalino worked in there, a chicken bagalino, and like

her cousin was mobbed up, so she was dating a friend of mine that I grew up with, but her pussy was so good that he shook me down. He came to me and said, listen, you got to stop robbing them because they're blaming Doreen and fucking, you know, and then I'm like, he's like, the next time you rob me, you're going to deal with me. And I'm like, dog, I grew up in your fucking house. I was at your little brother's fucking wake. How dare you say you're going to shake me down.

He's like, I'm serious. You robbed that place again. We're going to have a fucking problem. So, when we hooked up after 20 years, this is the first thing I told him. He goes, her pussy was so good. It was between you and her fucking little pussy. That's very honest. Oh my God.

Yeah, he's my brother. I told him once every 10 days, Frankie Balzano. He was going to fucking shoot me over. I'm like, how can you shoot me over this? Oh my God. I used to take over shit like that all the time. For months, I'd bleed him. I bled them for about 90 days because they figured out that I had the key.

Because it's all within 90 days? I got fired probably in May and I robbed until September. The whole summer. You want to go down the shore? You want to go down the shore four in the morning? Get me right down the isles. We're going to go down the shore. I can get right in.

Oh my God. This was so fucking crazy. This is fucking crazy. See, we just get a new job every 90 days. And rob in between. Remember, in those days, we had hashways. So, we had a tab at hashways. And we go in there and rob chips.

We still rob hashways for everything he had. You put this on the fucking tab. Once we take over your fucking restaurant, and I just knew how to do it, I had another place in Boulder that I met him in the halfway house. He was in Lama, San Antonio, La Disa. I loved him like a father. He had the best Italian food in fucking Colorado at the time.

The best in Boulder. The best fucking down. Bolognese, I have a taste in them. You couldn't taste the lamb. You know what I'm saying? Whatever they put in it. The goat. The ram.

The hoof. The hoof. The hoof. See, you couldn't taste. And he had something else I liked in there. And he had a great fucking... I told you, he had a baker. And I used to do...

In those days, I was doing stand-up. And on Tuesdays, it was my big night at the broker. So, on Mondays, I would have to prepare material. So, I'd go to La Disa. I would sit with the baker. And I'd drink coffee and eat pastries all night. He would make pastries. And I'd just sit there and eat all the fucking sandwiches.

Ice cream. And I would sit there. I had that place shaking down. How? How do you keep all these people straight? I could go for some pastries. Little La Disa. Little La Disa.

I'd knock on the glass. And Joe Koch, who I still talked to, he owns a bagel place in Mississippi. I would knock on the glass. And he'd open the fucking door. Your reach is impressive. I'd talk. If I'm in fucking Mississippi.

That guy fed me. Wait, did you fuck with him so much that he had to move to Mississippi? No. No, no. He sold his house. That's my brother. Joe Koch is still my brother.

He had a daughter that passed. They sent me an invitation to a graduation on a Thursday. And on Monday, they called me and she was dead. Geez. I still got the card. I let a candle for all my spirits. Yeah, that's terrible. And I had the card they sent me with a candle.

And he's my brother, Joe Koch. Let me tell you about Joe. Joe Koch was a white dude from Mississippi. Me and him used to hit it off. And you guys know him. Where you met him in Denver? I met him in Boulder. He was the chef.

Me and him and his wife were tight when they had Hulia and then they had the other child, Emma. But his father, something was wrong with his father. So he said, move to Mississippi at that time they moved. He learned how to make bagels. He moved to Mississippi up in the bagel shop in Louisiana, Mississippi State. Oh.

It was a gold mine. We got that in 1994, guys. He's a millionaire today. You know, he's a fucking millionaire today. So I'm going to tell you what this guy did for me. This guy, Lee, you know me a long time. At this time I was starting comedy. And I'd be alone with him and I'd go off on pussy and shit.

And he'd stop me. He's the first man ever I got away with going. Joey, excuse me. You know, I don't like the type of language. And I loved him so much that I would fucking say, you know what? I get it. Was he older than you? No, maybe two or three years.

He just didn't like when I spoke perverted. He didn't mind if I said a curse word or if I said a racial slur. He didn't mind. But he got pissed off if I said fucking in the ass. That was his line. He didn't fucking like it at all. He used to say, dog, you can't talk like that in front of me.

But when I... Got to draw a line somewhere. When I got into the beef with John, my wife's boyfriend. I wasn't allowed to pick up the baby and he volunteered. So I never forgot that. He wasn't a guy from Jersey. He wasn't a fucking guy from New York. He was no mafia guy.

He was a white dude from Mississippi that didn't like me talking fucking dirty around him. But he had enough respect for me. He knew what I was going through that he was like, I'll pick her up and I'll fucking drop her off. They fucked with me. I'll knock him out. So you know what?

I called him on Mondays because on Monday I let a candle for his daughter. So he was like, give him a call. I go, Joe Koch, I'm thinking about you. He goes, I can't talk right now. I'm making bagels in the hands of him. Let me give him some shout outs. We'll get you out of here.

I'm having a great time tonight. Me too, man. A virus action sports performance where they sent us some rash guards. Oh yeah, thank you. For me and Lee to wear for you. So I put mine on today. Fucking comfortable as shit, great material. It's durable.

You know, I haven't beat it up a couple of times. I don't want to wear it today, but I'll tell you, I just want to thank him. Give him a shout out. I think I got the card. I hope I brought it with me. I always try to be very, you know, me. You always do that.

My man's name is Travis at virusinfo.com. 888-607-0990. It's a virus. Yeah, yeah, this is great stuff in Huntington Beach. Virus, whatever the fuck it is. Action sports performance. Also, Jamie Stanley, my girl, Lady Jane, Brian Singer, friend of mine from V-Mac, Amber Myers, Brandy Lin,

Zach Halberson, Mike Levin, Evelyn Black Price, and Pat Shea kicking ass with his little motherfucking podcast. What about, I'm blanking on his name right now, our dude in Chicago in the wheelchair? Yeah, he got an accident, right? No, no, no, no. Kern, Michael fucking Kern. Michael Kern.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That motherfucker. He's tough as shit. He's tough as shit. I told him, I said, listen, I ain't even worried about you because you're in a wheelchair, you're still sling dick, you smoke dope with three fucking legs. Who gets their dick sucked in a wheelchair?

Nobody gets their dick sucked in. He's a freak. I love him with all my fucking eyes. He goes to all the shows. He's doing stand-up now. Is he? Yeah, yeah, he's trying to. He's a good dude, man.

I've known him for years, Mr. Rogan, sure. And then we became tight on fucking Twitter and I love him to death. Yeah. I love him to death. You know what I'm saying? So what else is going on in your world, Ryan Sickle? I gotta go to the bathroom.

Can I do that? Can I do that? Can I do that, please? Take your time, but hurry up. We got shit cracking lacking here. You want to eat another star or what? No, I don't need another star. I can't believe you made me do that.

You want to roll another joint? We can roll another fucking number. Smoking on periscope. Let these motherfuckers know who's running shit. You know what I'm saying? Lee Sciatico, my brother from a different unknown. Hey, buddy. I'm very happy that you brought the old man out,

even though we went to get sushi. No, yeah, thank you. We went to the fucking store. He loves it, man. He watches. He always calls me. Joey did a great periscope this morning. He goes, I always get high when I'm watching him.

He's not even smoking. He just, because you always blow the smoke in the camera. He's like, I feel high. I fucking love those kind of smokes in the morning. I really do have a great time doing those. Yeah. Sometimes if I like this one, I got up at four and I was so fucked up when I went to bed. And I get up this morning, guys, and I get some coffee and I'm doing it all legit.

And I'm starting to write and after 20 minutes I go, what am I doing? I got some sativa outside and I go out there and I blast off three or four heads of this little hash pipe and now I got a little hash pipe. So now I break the hash off Lee and I just put it into the pipe solo and I sprinkle a little loose hash on top of that. And I just smoke the fucking. What do you call that? Old school.

Old school. Because it's a hamburger. Yeah. No, I didn't make no Puerto Rican hamburgers. I got so fucked up at four in the morning. Oh my God. It took me till about quarter to six. About quarter to six.

I went in there and we went to the farmers market on Sunday and we bought a couple of white peaches. I inhaled all of them and I fucking went to bed at like six and slept till 7.30 in the morning, guys. Oh my God. I was wiped out. I was so fucking high this morning. But you know what?

I wrote for an hour and a half. That's cool. And then I got up. I went to a nice jujitsu class with John Butter Vime. I got my fucking alignment on my car. I did a lot of shit the last three or four days. I like when I take a bite. I got to redo that room and shit.

You know, I got to put this piece in there, the bedroom. I got to move shit around, the office. I got to do Jesus. That's exactly what I was doing today. Painting walls and moving furniture. When you have children, the shit's stuck up. So you're very, you're one of the few guys that when your name comes up in a circle, everyone in the circle really fucking likes you, man.

That's nice to hear. Thank you. I appreciate it. You're a very easy going for a guy from Baltimore. People always say you're a real stand-up guy. They don't know if you did time or whatever. No. I've never done that.

I've hung around quite a few people who have. But no, I have not done time. That's the first time I remember that shit from Boulder guys. Ron. Ron is the best. Ron definitely has a recovery. Oh my God. I was milking so many fucking people back then.

I was a fucking. What was your best hustle? What was your favorite? What was your favorite if it wasn't Ron? My favorite hustle always has been the process of the coke burn. The coke burn? The process of getting a drug deal and take them down. That's always been my, I was telling only like my forte.

I'm going to say right now, everything under today. If everything under today and I had to feed my family, I would book numbers and I would book sports out of an office like this. And in 30 days, I'd have me and Lee making dough. Just taking action on the phone, going partners with Lee, Bank Row and motherfuckers and taking our chances. If we get on the amount we can't handle, we call it off. We got a utopia.

We fucking sleep with it. But if there's somebody who calls in for 10,000, we pass on 5,000 of it. And you can make a small living as a bookie. And if you get some momentum and build 10 or 20,000, you could do okay in a football season. You could pull down 100 grand. And in today's economy, you collect it. You get six or seven people and they pay you fucking money.

We should do that. Yeah. You think it's that fucking easy. You have to do it correctly. There's a way to do it. That's why I come in. The problem is that it's fucking good as I am with that shit. The computer adds a complete different dimension of betting and PayPal.

What's the money? So there's a whole market that I'm missing that I don't know nothing about. I mean, what PayPal is just as guilty of doing it as a guide in the neighborhood. And they're getting their cut. And the thing is, look at the salute. I'm right. The thing is that, you know, a book making charge becomes something else if we do it online. All fraud or something like that, which now becomes federal term, which might work out

for you. You know, it's a lot better than sitting in fucking Newark. I rather sit in Lompoc with a bunch of white people talking about stock fraud and how to shine your shoes correctly. I used to work at the scrat the back of my throat. It's most people do it like a regular person. They go, I got to go scratch the back of my throat. I'm glad that happened.

I used to work at UPS in Baltimore and I worked there for a few years and I, you know, worked my way up to supervisor and everything. I was fucking hustling. I, you know, I was, I've been on my own since 16. I ended up moving in with my grandmother and she dropped dead in front of us. She was the only one that wanted us. And then boom, we're out and we're, and it's on. Okay.

There's been no one to ever ask to borrow, you know, a dollar and nothing, nothing. So I worked at UPS and it was, I put myself through college and I would work there like the, you know, 10, two was my shift, 10 p.m. 2 a.m. And I started working doubles and I would go right from college. I'd go four to two. Well in Baltimore in the winter, those trucks coming up out of Tupelo, Mississippi and stuff. If there's a, you know, if there's a blizzard somewhere on the way, you're waiting until

four or five in the morning for that truck to get there. And these guys are union, they're full-time, one of the few hubs and still in the country I believe that had full-time guys. So these dudes are in spicing yard waiting for that paycheck. And there will be a dude down in the cafeteria. So it's a big building. So this cafeteria, I'd say maybe had like 15 or 20, you know, vending machines sell subs and whatever, you know, you had your choice of it.

And there was this dude, there was a dude named Pat who was not a UPS employee. He was employed by the company that owned all the vending machines and he was paid by them and the job was assigned to him by the state to refill those vending machines all day long. Now he was there and he ran that fucking joint. He ran, you know what I'm talking about. He was the Joey Diaz of that fucking thing and he knew everybody. He was like, hey, what's going on Joey? As soon as he walked by, that motherfucker's wife cheating on him.

Like he knew everything about everybody. His brother said, this motherfucker's gonna die on the job. Everything about everybody. And he was the guy, he was the fucking guy. So what happened was he came home. This is, let me just tell you, this was his story, okay? I'm repeating his story. He came home and he found his best friend in his bed with his wife and he shot both of them.

She lived, he died, okay? And as he'll tell you, this was before temporary insanity or passions of, what is it, crime of passion and all that shit. This was back then, this was just called murder. He had attempted murder. That's what this shit was called. So, he's like, I just couldn't believe it. So I fucking went in there and I just shot.

And he said, I got 20. He got 20 years. He said he did 18 for good behavior. And then when he got out, the state assigned him this job. This is his job now is to take, you know, and also to raise, he's got grandkids and shit. This time he's white hair at this point, probably mid-60s. Coolest fucking guy. I mean, these are the guys I love.

Like, I always say that shit to me is Americana. Like, I don't care where you're originally from. Like, if it's here and it happens here, I love that, those characters. And so this guy's filling these machines and hit them straight up and tell you, I can't live off of this shit. So he's running football. He's running basketball. Whatever the fuck you wanted.

A thousand angles. Everything. Every day you're waking up, your mind's going. Every day he would just use, people understand his system, but you get it. I mean, when you run numbers, you use the existing lottery. You just don't give the government your money. You give somebody else your money and you're going to get more money tax-free. So every night when he would leave, he'd leave around 7 o'clock.

He'd do like an 11 to 7 shift or something. Long day for a dude just sitting there. He knew everybody. You go down, you say, I want to go to the bathroom and you'd leave the primary or you're unloading and loading and you go down the steps and you go by his table in the cafeteria, but it's, you know, it's empty now. You just go by his table and right on the table on the napkins to pick four and to pick five every fucking night.

And every supervisor all the way to the top gave that motherfucker their money. We all played in the one night. I bounced around. So much shit happened. We ended up getting into, my brother and I ended up getting into this apartment and I was like, I'm just going to play the four, pick four of this new address. Something good's got to come out of this shit. So one night I get there and Pat's like, Ryan, I said, I hit traffic, man.

He goes, it hit. I said, don't fucking tell me it hit Pat. He's like, yeah. I said, come on Pat. And I think it was like six, five, four, six or some shit. And it hit, it was boxed. It wasn't a straight, but it was still 2,500 that I could have fucking used. And I didn't, I couldn't get there in time.

And there was no cell phone days back. I couldn't text them shit. Like Pat put that shit in for him. He's like, I waited as long as I could. I was like, God damn it. But yeah, man, that dude was the best. I got arrested in November of 88 for kidnapping. November of 88.

He did this right to us. I got arrested in November of 87. Okay. Hold on. November of 88. November of 87. 87. Okay.

But my madness started like my real drug madness, like a life that was crazy. Started like in June of that year. And what happened was I was selling Subarus and I was making so much money and there was snorting there and I was snorting at night and it was just a joke. And I said, you know what? I gotta get away from these cold cats. You know, and I said, let me go over to Hollister Dodge Chrysler Plymouth. They had a Dodge building and they had a Chrysler Plymouth building.

The Chrysler Plymouth building, after three days I realized those four guys were doing as much coke by themselves as the 14 guys. Holy shit. And there was a guy already and he was getting an ounce and he had four salesmen, three salesmen and everybody was getting a gram. Some people had a tab with him. It was hilarious. So cocaine was world-class.

I thought I wanted to say 87. It's 1987. It's world-class. There's days you would go in there and there'd be a customer and those salesmen were so coped up that customer walked for an hour and nobody would come out and talk to him. It was crazy, crazy deal. Paranoid? Paranoid is fucked.

Somebody come help me. So I get the whole hang of the operation. Now there's a kid I got a mental control. I got this boy on a mental control. His name is Rob Dando. Of course it is. And he used a red Parker pen and it was the Maroon one. So what I would do is I learned as a salesman that you got to crack people.

Cracking people is get them off their game and then you pick up where they left off. Sometimes it backfires. But if you're very good at it, you could do something good. It's like you're a great salesman but I come up to you and I go, hey, please get an 18% of his deals. And you're like, what do you mean? I'm getting 15. Yeah, you got it. So that right there is playing with your head.

That's psychological warfare. Sure, right. There was a kid in there that I had on lockdown. There was two guys. I had Rob Dando and I had this other kid. He was from fucking somewhere up north, like North Dakota. And they had no weed. And I could get weed.

So I buy a pound and take like three ounces out and I wet the weed and puff it up and get like, oh, he's a little bitch. And then he'd take it up and it'd dry out and he'd go, I don't know what the fuck's happened to people yelling at him. I waited. It was 14 ounces. I get it up there. It's 12 and a half fucking hilarious. Every time he came back, I had him on lockdown. Listen, I don't know what happened.

It ain't going to happen next time. Yeah. Next time I'd even take more. I put ice cubes in there on delay. Ice cubes? On delay. Oh my God. I had that motherfucker.

I had rocks in the bottom of the bag, little chunky rocks. I would put little rocks into the buds. I was fucking, I was horrible. So I have this fucking moron, but I got this other moron that was driving me crazy. He was a very good salesman. He was very aggressive. But dog, I wanted the bonus every month. And there was only one way I could control this guy.

And he was with mental control. So he had a red parker pen. And I'd let him take it up, which is a custom. I'd let him demo ride them. And then when it came time to sell the car, there was always one detail and he would leave his pen on the desk. And I would go in there and take the fucking pen in the middle of the deal. And he'd come in and go, excuse me, I can't find my pen. And he'd walk around for 20 minutes looking for that pen.

And he wouldn't go back in there until he found his pen. So he'd tell the people to go home and come back tomorrow. Come on. Oh my God, it was hilarious. And I'd do this to him every three days. I'd steal his red pen. If I saw his red pen laying out there, I clipped that fucking pen and he would crack. But here's what gets better.

He had four kids and a wife. And he did more blow than fucking everybody. I mean, this guy would do blow at eight in the morning and not eat all that. All the car guys are going to blow. But this guy, I'd never saw anything like this. At this time, I knew my weakness was coke, but I also knew I couldn't do it in the daytime. So I would try to hold off till six o'clock or seven. This kid Rob did blow all fucking day from eight in the morning.

He'd be in there doing little bombs and once he can, he'd put a piece of gum in his mouth and he'd be fucking that gum up. You know those coke dudes? They'll fuck a piece of gum up. They'll chew that fucking gum with anger. You cops, fuck. Right? So Rob would suck this gum to the death, but Rob was selling coke. Rob was like, fuck it.

I'm going to do what this already is doing. I might as well get a big package and sell coke to the Dodge guys or whatever, but he didn't know. But I used to watch him. You know what I mean? Don't count this surveillance. I used to watch him and he used to have those ceilings that popped up and he would hide his coke in the ceiling. Guys, listen to me. You know George Kalidinsky that called into the podcast?

Of course I know George. George was renting cars out to the girls at the strip club from the Dodge place for a hundred a week with a license plate. Listen to me. You want to talk about running a joint? Yeah. Plus we both had demos, top of the line demos that they didn't even know they had. Only the bank knew that they had it. We would take those cars as soon as they got there.

Guys, this wasn't a fucking joke. We were robbed. No. Here's what gets better. How do you keep all this stuff in your head straight? There's like 30 scams running at once. You're talking about your fucking moron buddy here with the fucking machines? I had the key to the vending machine.

I would go in there every morning. The soda machine would take the money, transfer it to cash. Some white dude would put cash back in the thing. I would go in there. There'd be 300 in cash. I'd take 200 off the top and a couple cans of soda. I had the key and I put it right back in the book keepers fucking desk. The game I was running there was horrific.

I robbed the lock guy. The lock guy was trying to sell Coke too. I asked him one morning, where's your Coke? He goes, I got it at home. I sent him on a mission to go get a car in Lakewood. I went and robbed his house. He came back. Somebody robbed my house.

I've been here all day though. I don't know what the fuck he's doing. Fucking horror show. Holy shit, yeah. I'm happy you came on to that. I had a good time. I am too, man. Thank you for having me on.

I always try to get crazy of people on Monday night to get the party started. So people doing that thing on Tuesday mornings. Now you have a podcast. Yeah. Very successful. People fucking love it. Yeah, we have great fans. How long have you been doing it?

I'd say three and a half years now. Yeah, you've been doing it. How many episodes a week? Just one. Just one episode every Tuesday. Who did it last week? I just bumped into somebody who did it. Josh Roberts.

Steve Simone. Yeah, Simone. Simone's. I'm doing his. Yeah, I'm doing his. That's right, yeah. But Simone's been on a few times. Yeah, everybody loves Steve Simone.

He's great. He's a good guy. I'm going to be on the 28th. You're coming. That's right. 25th. One of those fucking Tuesdays. Don't worry.

We'll talk. I'm happy. I'm happy. I try to get out there more. It's just, you know, people hit me up. It's tough to give, to really give your podcast the best attention. If I'm doing 10 podcasts a week. Yeah, I agree.

And I did everybody's podcast for a while. And I said, you know what? I'm missing some of my own podcasts. Let me put some more effort. You know, me and Lee trying to fucking give you the best we got. But you go on the road also a lot. A little bit. I go on the road a little bit.

And Jay Larsen is your partner. That's right. Jay Larsen. You go on the road with him also or you do your own fucking thing. Both. We've done crab feast stand up shows where we've gone to like Seattle and Portland and done shows. And then I'm up at Sacramento this week actually to punchline up there Thursday to Saturday.

You know, and I'll go do like a one nighter in Chicago or something like that all out of the podcast. I mean, it's been pretty. Good for you. Yeah. You know, Tom Segura is, you know, who we both love. He's one I talked to all the time about it. Like, you know, he's like, don't do that.

Do this. You know, and I listen to him. He knows what the fuck he's talking about. Tom's a very smart guy. He's doing very well. I'm really happy. He just shot it special the other night. Yeah.

Seattle, right? Right. He's a great guy. Tom Segura. People have no idea. I like Tom because people like Tom aren't usually my friend. They fucking shot the other way. Tom sucks it all up.

Tom is a great guy. I like people that take the fucking. I like when white people are crazy. That's what makes me happy. Well, that's why Jay and I work so well together. He's the same way. And yeah, he's fucking great too. I don't like conservative white people.

No. I've lived too long around them. Yeah. They drive me fucking nuts. Jay just fucking tell you straight up. Like, you'll be like, you want to hear this shit? And he'll just be like, no, I don't want to fucking hear that shit right now. Like, he's just straight.

He'll be straight. Yeah. Good, good, good. Yeah, they're great. I'm happy you're doing your thing. I'm happy everything's working out for you. Thank you. You're a great guy.

This was fun. We were trying to exchange, get on your podcast. I know. I just hate that somebody cancel, get on here and let's make it happen. So thank you. Let me give a shout out to our sponsors. I get you out of here. It's late.

Lee got his fucking eye. Lee, you got something to say? Yeah, I am. I'm going to Toronto this weekend, which is going to be really fun. I have a live flying to radio. I'm going to get this high at the, have you been in the underground in Toronto? We're going to have a live flying to radio with Derek Burch. And then on Saturday, I'm doing a podcasting seminar at the comedy bar.

So go to leeside.com for tickets. I'm really excited. I'm just super high right now. I know you're super high. I have like 400 milligrams, but I'm really, I'm really, I think it's really cool. And actually I got Lepson to give people free hosting if you come. So it's a go to leeside.com. I listened.

I want to welcome a new sponsor to the family. They're not going to be around, but they're a great fucking app. I mean, everybody who's people have told me that they're excited about us getting it. It's really cool. All right. You know, your time is precious and you want to feed your mind with the best of what's out there. I know there's a corny fucking line, but I'm trying to get it right.

You know, there's a lot of nonsense on the internet. Listen, I like magazines. I don't know about you guys. I go to a dentist's office and I pick up fucking people. My wife gets Rolling Stone at the fucking house. I've been reading Rolling Stones as day one. When I was a kid, I was a fucking cream guy. But you know, like about Rolling Stone, I'm such a half of like a fag.

The first five or six pages, they show you little events and people work together and shit. And sometimes they have pretty good stories in there. You know, yeah, I'm a sports illustrator guy. I'm over the bikini issue. You know, when you're 13, if you're 22 and you still wait for the bikini issue, you got fucking problems. But anyway,

But it was just, you told me about it and I downloaded it. You can download like back issues. It takes like three seconds and you have like the full magazine. Like sometimes I'm sick of reading just like text articles. Like I like actually looking at the like the pictures. You want the whole magazine and next issue gives you this. Yeah. No, it gives you.

Yeah. It gives you the whole magazine and they give you magazines like people, Vogue, Esquire, Time. And they let you dive deeper into the story with interactive content for richer reading experience. Sign up for next issue right now. You'll get immediate access to all the top magazines, including back issues and exclusive videos and photos and stuff like that.

Let me tell you what's on here. Right. Like for example, let's say you want to read. You got maximum. They got you spend the magazine. They got US weekly. They got time. They got the New Yorker.

They got sports illustrator. They got people. They got Newsweek. They got Hello Canada for you Canadians up there. See, I'm always thinking of you cops. They got the Bloomberg business week. I mean, this is the real deal. Lee, when you fly, what do you do before you fly?

You want to read your magazines? Hell yeah. What do you do? They got car and driver. They got clean eating. When you sign up for the app and it takes you like what ones of these do you look good and magazines are expensive. So I wouldn't buy all these magazines, but I just clicked all of them and you can just

scroll. They have a, they can recommend articles to you or you can just go and click on whatever one you want to read. It was legitimately pretty cool. Now the best part about this is Next Issue is offering you a free trial right now when you go to nextissue.com slash joey and capitals. All right. Again, you can try Next Issue free right now when you go to nextissue.com slash joey

and capital letters. All right. Give it a shot. Have I ever fucking steered you wrong people? And it's free. And it's free. Go to nextissue.com slash joey for a free ride. All right.

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But as far as supplements are concerned, I'll get you 10% off. Go to the box and press in. Church. Get the 10% off your first order. I ate three stars and I'm a little fucking parched right now. I ate three and a half. Shut up. I'm going to tell people the feds are listening.

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Hit these things. You know me. 5 to 50. NailedItLife.com. Goomies. Hermanos. One more time. Excuse me.

I'm getting gassed. One more time. My main man, motherfucking Ryan Sickler. He'll be at the Sacramento punchline this weekend. That's right. Throwing some fucking heat up there. It's a great club. They got great wings.

The waitresses are hot. The tall blonde ones always throwing heat. She got those fucking thighs. She gets in the headscissors. It's all over but the shout. Remember the last time somebody got you in the headscissors, fucking Ryan Sickler? It's been a minute. It's been a minute for the heads.

This Thursday, Friday, Saturday, I'm at the DC Improv. You know me. Spreading the love in the nation's capital. Smoking big reefer. A shout out to my girl, Mrs. Obama. You know I love you. I'm looking for that ass. I'm looking for that presidential little muffler.

I'll sniff that motherfucker like I own it. I put some norms last time. Somebody put that nose in your muffler. And sang the fucking national anthem. What's up, Lee? You're sitting there like a- No, the feds are definitely going to be listening to this one. You're sitting there like a fucking half a dunce.

It's Monday night. Half a dunce. Kick out the jams, brothers and sisters. I want to thank Ryan Sickler one more time. I want to thank the flying Julie Syat. I want to thank myself. But most importantly, I want to thank you bad motherfucker. I want to thank you bad motherfuckers for staying up tonight

and watching the church of what's happening now. Stay black. Have a good week. See you in a few days. Lee, what's the problem here? What is this? I'm going to do the answer. Hold on.

Next issue is the mobile app that lets you- It's going to be 3,000 kilograms. That lets you tap directly into the world's most popular magazines anytime, anywhere, using your phone or tablet. Next issue is offering a free trial right now when you go to nextasie.com. Go to naileditlife.com and use code JOEDS to get 20% off the premier vapor pen on the market

for oil and wax. Smokers. The premier vapor pen, bitches. That's some olgy shit. Pharmacy. All right, come on, close it up. I'm trying. Actually, the video's still-

We're doing it now? Oh my goodness. Yeah, we got to do it now. We're going to do it tomorrow. We got to stall this guy. Come on, close it up. Go to hitesix.com and use code JOEDS church to get 5 hitesix for $50.

And go to onit.com and use code CHURCH to get 10% off all the great optimization products. It's here. What you gonna do? Time's caught up with you. Now you wait your turn. You know there's no return. You take your empty bones.

You join me on the bones. You're trying to something new. Now it's killing you. First it was the bomb. The Vietnam bomb. Disillusioning. You push the needle in. Run like you were scared.

Reality's coming. Now it's in your mind. Satisfying time. You know you must be blind. To do something like this. To take the sweet that you don't know. You're giving death a kiss. Poor little fool now.

Your mind is full of pleasure. Your body's looking out. To you it's shallow leisure. So drop the odds and fail. Don't stop the thing now. You're having a good time baby. But that won't last. Your minds are full of things.

You're living too fast. Go out and join yourself. Don't buy within. You need someone to help you. Take the needle in, yeah. Take the needle in, yeah. Take the needle in, yeah. Take the needle in, yeah.

Take the needle in, yeah. Take the needle in, yeah. Take the needle in, yeah. Now you know the scene. Your skin starts turning green. Your eyes no longer see. Life's reality. Push the needle in.

Face that thing clean. Holes are in your skin. Come by deadly pen. Head starts spinning round. Fall down to the ground. Feel your body heav. Death and stars to weep. It's too late to turn.

You're a war to learn. Rise up like you are. Now you're gonna die. Now you're gonna die.