Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #309 - Ralphie May

Episode Date: August 18, 2015

Ralphie May, Comedian seen on Last Comic Standing and Host of "The Perfect 10 Podcast", joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for five Hit E Cig's for $50 Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by using code word joeydiaz. They are also produce some of the best edibles on the market, Los Gummies Hermanos Recorded live on 08/17/15 Music:  I'll Never Go Back To Georgia - Joe Cuba Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet Gallow's Pole - Led Zeppelin Highway To Hell - AC/DC

From under the glass I forgot the glass and if we fucking use this it'll melt that fucking we'll be smoking for Maldehyde This show is brought to you by on it comm like a motherfucker go to on it comm and use code word church to get 10% off All of their great optimization products like alphabrain new mood That wasn't alphabrain shroom tech immune shroom tech sport and strong bone use code word church to get 10% off Show is also brought to you by nail that life comm for all the Oil and wax smokers out there go to nail that life comm for the premier vapor pen on the market use code word joey Diaz To get 20% off and if you live in California only if you live in California Nail that life are also the makers of Los Gumi sermanos one of the best edibles on the market

Los Gumi sermanos look forward at your local dispensary or hit nail the life up on Instagram And lastly go to hit e6 comm hit letter e6 comm better tasting longer lasting the proof is in the vape They have e-cigarettes and e-cigars for you and when you use code word joey's church You're gonna get five heat head e6 for $50 Oh shit Old school coming at you Joe Cuba 19 fucking 60 New York City Oh shit Ralphie may yeah, baby the flying Jew

Oh shit, can't get lead kick this motherfucker. It's the meal right here Oh shit Oh This isn't Brooklyn the movie Brooklyn leave that he goes into the bodega and there's a Puerto Rican Transvestite and he's dancing to this by the fucking refrigerator. I started crying in the movie theater crying That's some Puerto Rican bodega and she was luring the customers when they go get like a bottle of beer She like lure them over when they were all drunk and rub up against them in shit. What's happening cocksuckers the church What's happening now?

Monday August 17th the day this the devil was fucking Sodomized and sent back to fucking Gamora. What's going on Ralphie man? Nothing shake of a me Bobby that fucking hash got me all fucked up is hash Monday the Catholics have hash Wednesday We got hash Monday. It's always has Monday. It's always fucking has Monday And this of course is direct from ISIS to the one-eyed Jew. I love this fucking other shit The crystals of debt. Oh, look at this. It won't even fucking fall off the side. Look at Jesus It's like a mixed opium and hash and fucking Straight from bit lotten's ass all right there. This is the shit it came over. What's happening

Lisa you up in Toronto had a great weekend telling people how to do a podcast You're like a regular fucking Simon Bustin. It's the who's that some fucking superhero from the 70s It was great. I went to the underground to the night before after Steve shows and I met puff mama Who who knew you from before I did a had a had a podcast that I've never had my name on anything before like I've gone with you to things and it's fun But like I started getting really nervous after I dropped Paula off the night before I left because I had to I realized I was packing and like my name was on it And it was just but it was it couldn't have been more fun. We did dabs

I met I met this great guy David who works for like the biggest pop girl in Canada and he He was telling me all about it and then the next day we had like 20 people at the podcast seminar It was great. It was and it was the coolest thing about it was there are people there who didn't know me from the podcast And I like I got like this one guy was there. He was like 80 years old. They wanted to start a podcast. It was great That's kick ass, man. I love Toronto, man. Oh my god. It was I've never been in Canada Oh, really? I like I've always heard everyone was really nice But it was just so much fun and the food was great and it was yeah, good Chinese up there. Fuck. Yeah, man Don't fuck around that good weed. They ain't fucking around up there. I missed that birds in the fucking windows, man

Remember when they were shooting everything up? Yeah, that was good because you you go one street in New York You turn another street. It's fucking Chicago. You go in one place. It's goddamn Philadelphia I mean, it's fucking the greatest town to shoot in and it the people are amazing You know, they don't I think they the dollar got weaker against the canadian dollar. It used to be but not anymore now It's like 130 American for every dollar canadian so maybe more stuff will go. I remember being up there at the the comedy club Boris. Yeah Boris. Yeah, no hollywood. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah comedy would comedy would It was two weeks for 1200 600 a week the headline brutal and you lived over the bar

But then the second week you went to the other club and you lived in a house with his crazy brother Who was a driver for a hooker service? Yeah, and he would wake you up or am I listen this one got beat up She's bleeding from the head. She'll suck your dick for the small 15 It was crazy I had to keep the door locked. It was horrible But uh, I remember being on that block. I'm walking down the block one day and seeing Andy Garcia The guy from fucking cheers the fat guy. Oh, yeah, George went Oh my god, john void all on one block. They were all staying in the same fucking hotel

Here I am sleeping over a fucking bar. I know and then down the corner. He's delivered weed to your door in those days 35 and eight Yeah, Toronto's are good. They have a movie theater 10 years ago 15 years ago. They had a movie theater with couches with waitresses. Really? Yeah 15 years ago They were there's rooms and the beer there is so fucking good. You know when uh Last time I played that I was at the downtown room and Mitch Hedberg was at the uptown room And then we flipped so we went from bathers and steels down to down way the fuck down there in downtown and That's when Mitch met his wife lin

It was a crazy fucking time man. It was a bitch and that crazy kid. Josh got arrested. Yeah They got arrested in Toronto right before he met lin Yeah, right before he met lin that club was okay, but then he cut the money and right right the money and it was weird I like you know, and I used to see you know what I think I think that fucking I think he got pressure from the russian mafia Well, he had a partner and they were always there and they were like russian jews russian jews a chubby guy with glasses but it's funny because uh That whole town like it was two weeks. I might settle in there

That was the only town that I broke my thing about strip clubs. Yeah Oh my god, so oh, yeah, oh my fucking god I went to this to this weed room the night like the first night I got there which they have there Which is the I think the one thing that la is kind of missing just places you can go and smoke and hang out And these three girls walked in there were literally one was just wearing it was possibly the hottest girl I've ever seen And right down the street. It was called like the brass rails. Yes. Yeah, man. You won't blow a street. Yeah. Yeah That's what you were. I'm telling you. I used to go up there fucking and here's how I used to do it This is the craziest story. I used to go to the improv

And at the improv was a nice irish kid from Manhattan that was going to the u of a you of miami He was working himself through college and at night. He'd work at the improv All right. He had a Puerto Rican girlfriend This is how that this is how weird life is We're at the bar one day Who calls me but Roger Paul and he goes boris wants you to do two weeks I go, I can't get into fucking canada. I just say this right in front of you I go, you know, they want me to go to Toronto. I don't think I get into canada and she goes

I get sneaky into canada. I do it every day And I go you live in miami. She goes. No, I don't I just come down to visit this knucklehead She goes I live in Buffalo, New York but my father's retired And he's a professional gambler and he gambles and Whatever they gave him a pass that he goes right fucking through So he would drive me to montario to the bus station And then I would take the bus from montario to toronto

And I would stay the two weeks, but the beauty was on the way out Because then I give him my id and you see him look at the id and go Like they would fucking look at the computer and then look at me They go, when did you come in here and I go last week? I came on the other side No, you didn't yet. Yes, I did but it's too late fucking now. You know what I'm saying? It's too late, baby. It's too late. Somebody's gonna get fired So you want to arrest me on the way out and be my fucking guest? I'll said I saw you and your fucking partner here

And they gave me my id and I said don't come back. I came back three more fucking times It's in the next like year and a half It's a good time and the same way but once 9 11 came they locked that road up. Yeah They locked that fucking road. Yeah, you can't hardly get over now. What a fun city. Well, I miss it What a fun and now I'd love to go to Vancouver with I remember 15 years ago When I'm telling you this is how long ago Gavin was still married to his wife and he lived on martel No, no, no. Yeah martel because him and Keith lived on martel. This has to be 2000 so it's 15 fucking years ago 99

There was a girl that used to date larry vizio that was the fucking cutest blonde girl you ever saw in your life And like her parents were hippies her grandparents were hippies this chick walked around LA barefoot dirty feet With a suntan that fucking never ended, you know, she grew up on the beach But her story was she grew up. She worked on the beach of vancouver selling pot cookies guys Gavin was still with his wife. This is 99. This is 16 years ago We we're still not selling weed on the fucking beach. No, they were selling weed on the beach cookies She used to bring him down and one night she sold me and gabin a cookie for five dollars a piece And I remember he went home and almost died like I remember you haven't no leak and you get two more of these for your uncle joey

And these are great. I've never had this before that's a dud. That's a dud. Oh, it's a dud. Maybe that's been there for fucking two years huh But just the conversation at a table Got this girl got this girl to call her dad and here's the best thing I would take the flight the buffalo the dad would pick me up at the airport take me to his house Let me take a shower and him and the mother would cook for me port of rican red beans with pork chop Fuck yeah, man, and then he'd go. What do you want to do when I go? Nothing? He goes you want to Sit down and relax. You want to drive up there? Let's go. There's a two o'clock bus and I that was it

That's how nice these this is what you man. This is the people I've met through fucking comedy Like this is what you have to write in your book like those little stories that people that This is bullshit. That's exactly what I'm doing the little fucking road stories are the ones that still baffle me That I just remember right now shit like this is what I just remember just talking to you guys. Yeah, man This this all we need is you drinking all my orange juice and this is 1440 This is fucking awesome, man. This is just like we used to do right there looking out the goddamn window That's uh, what was the buddy marry mix? Oh, man. It was uh, uh, texas pate Bloody marry mix we bring out from houston and it was deadly

Deadly it was so good so spicy and then we'd put pickle green beans in it and a shrimp And lots of horseradish. Fuck. Yeah And sometimes I'd fry up a whole piece of bacon and shove that motherfucker in there. That's how you do it, Lee Put the jew in your back pocket. I'm gonna bring you back to life That's what we did. We get fucked up on that. I was having a talk with Ralphie last week and I said, you know what Ralphie Sometimes I just want to blink my eyes and go back to 1440. Yeah Because those nights with no money Was some of the best the night you burned your head the scout. Oh my god

He was there was a fucking head was a chinese light and he was yelling at jody And his head was perfectly under the chinese light and I was about to say something, but you know me I'm gonna come here. I go let him burn his fucking scum and I was like, ah I mean jody just busted out I remember getting coked up with jody and drinking the vodka and filling it back up with water. I know So funny, oh man, how about the time you were over at uh Gavins and you had the bolivian flu and his little cock-sucking male fucking pug dog

Yeah, bread up the back of the fucking couch went to coco who's got his eyes closed sleeping upright Trying to fucking I mean just reeking a pussy and fucking yay And and he had shit on his fucking shirt and that fucking cock-sucking dog pissed on your head That was the fucking funniest shit I've ever seen A lot of fucking coke in that building. Oh good times a lot of fucking coke was done in that building I always stayed out of that. I'm no no you never did none of that shit. It was just it was around you Yeah, I used to go to your house drink bloody marries with you Yeah, and be doing little tiny bumps in the bathroom fucking a fucked up in that little apartment till four in the morning

How much did you know ralfie all of it? He knew all of it. Come on. It's cocoa You know, you know, it's fun though ladies when he comes in with the rare story All right, I started doing blow with this chick turns out it wasn't blow. It was heroin. We fucked all night. It was crazy I loved it. It was tremendous. All right. I think that was 2000 Okay, that was a great one. But that's the only time he ever put in dude. Thanksgiving was fucking epic that thanksgiving With marion up in your house. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my god You did a purple league he he ate an ounce of mushrooms Lee an ounce not a fucking eighth A goddamn ounce. I was fucked up Lee. I can't eat those fucking things. He ate like a pig

He fucking smoked the best reefer that's when you used to have a jar on the table. Yeah, big ass jar A pound jar on the table. Let's do this And and let me tell you what that I've never seen anybody been able to do that many drugs and stand Coco not only stood he went down to the fucking or got a big old fucking rock and eight ball All right, did that shit and and from what I heard Blew the fucking comedy store away. I hadn't done the coke yet. I got the coke and took it home I did the mushrooms and went to the store and was fucking lit and nobody showed up So like you got to go up next

I was fucking lit on these mushrooms and I went up there and I just looked straight ahead And the lights were turning purple and your original room like that's all I kept seeing was purple, you know, right? But I heard you got a standing ovation. Oh my god people were calling me from the store 19 people It was like 19 people. Yeah, and you stood them. That's way more impressive than 500 people If you're a comic and you're hearing this you understand to just get a standing ovation from 19 fucking people Is more amazing than getting it for 25,000 people. That's easy. Anybody can fucking do that. All right These people were there on Thanksgiving night and fucking Diaz blew him away fucking tremendous Those you know, you you you think about what a night that was maryland was all fucked up

We had a blast. We all ate. It was a great time. I was telling my wife today that it's You know, we had our friend that called today and said that somebody died I'm like, you know, I don't I was eating with my wife at the time. I go, you know what? I don't want to seem like what's that word when people are you're not whatever I'm grateful. Okay empathetic when you're not empathetic, but life moves on If I drank what you had about 20 years ago and you die. I'm very sad But what do you want me to do stop my world and go, you know, and it's just uh I think about maryland a lot and it pisses me off how people talk shit

But I was telling my wife today. I go, you know, I see this girl all the time I was maryland's friend. I see her all the time now at the store And all the times I've seen it. Yeah, she comes over and says hello But she never pulls me inside and says do you still think about maryland? I think about maryland all the time, man I buy the candle from maryland on mondays To hell with a candle from maryland. I say I pray for them. I changed the water for and it's weird How for years she used to call me and bitch and one day I told her I said do me a favor, man

Stop fucking bitching go out there and rock the world You know, you're always bitching about what you're not getting. It's not about what you're not getting It's focus on what you're getting if mitty's giving you three spots You're getting three more spots and a lot of other fucking people. Yeah, no shit So she would always she was so powerful one of the most powerful women comics of everything She would go on stage late night and some nights fucking blow that With that filipino dick. She used to like to suck filipino It was like a little saucy. She's rolling around her mouth

That people you see what big guys would say I lift 300 pounds. They will lift me motherfucker Dumb shit that would just make you laugh late night So funny So what's up with you lisa? Yeah, you bad motherfucker. You're going to double tomorrow. That's it. They're making you do kettlebells and jujitsu I can't do double. It's crazy. Yeah, you missed last week. He called me tonight. He said he did he come last week? I can't yeah Yeah, so he goes. Yeah, he's got to do it. Well, you've lost a lot of weight since I saw you last Almost a hundred kettlebells jujitsu

He's been stuck at 98 because him and the wife are fucking savage. Hey, it's not the it's not me and the wife It's me and the fucking 200 300 milligrams. I have oh, please Please don't fucking but would you go to the wife's and eat last night? Oh moley the first time ever. Yeah, I know. Oh, wow. I know so many people who go on a moley diet I know so many motherfuckers that include moley in their diet. She didn't put chocolate in it No, you don't need chocolate and fucking moley. Yes, you do. That's the half of isn't that? No, that's just one part of mexico's moley, right? They don't her her mom and her don't like chocolate in it So we just had that it's just chicken. What's in the sauce? I have no idea fucking amazing. It's amazing

It's a little bit of jesus, but yeah, but wasn't spicy. I'm getting used to spicy. You know, it's not spicy at all It's a hand-based depending on I didn't but now I do it's just flavorful That's what you know, all these white people are afraid of mexican spice If you watch mexican spice their food, they just put a little bit of salsa like a little bit of do you dumb white people Are used to fucking ketchup on their goddamn tacos. They're retarded I was in washington and my fucking buddy goes. Let's go to taco time Okay, it's a chain a shit chain up there and the fucking lady said do you want mild salsa or ketchup on your tacos? And I fucking laughed I go bro if you eat that I'm gonna fucking fire you because I can't stand to look at your face

And we just left it there. We paid for it and left it. Fuck anybody Time ain't no taco cabana and he used to Fuck no, man. Some potato tacos for breakfast and then you stop at the motherfucking kalachi fucking factory They don't know man, they don't know we used to fuck it up. What's been going on? Talk to me man I uh the summer was a little crazy for me, you know my ptsd I thought was being handled with uh Anti-depressants, but it's not it wasn't and now it is and now it's anti-depressants and mood stabilizers and man I feel fucking like I haven't felt in five years, bro. I don't hurt. I'm fucking I am up at seven throwing sidekicks for Jesus

I'm fucking the wife real good. I'm putting her legs up. I'm hugging my babies. I'm playing with my babies more I'm more focused and it's like, you know, man, you were absolutely right I didn't like the fucking truth being told to me But man, it was the goddamn truth cocoa when you broke it down. Hey pal, you've been slipping a little bit You were fucking right You were goddamn right and it's and I didn't know how bad it was until I fucking Went to the goddamn doctor and described it on my shit and he goes you're under medicated for your ptsd You are way the fuck under

Medicated and now man, I feel like I haven't felt in years, man Like the whole world isn't closing in on me like fucking like la is not bothering me as much traffic doesn't bother me Fucking nothing bothers me no more, man. I am fucking great with life It is fantastic to not be pissed off except for when deadly needed. You know what I mean? It's nice It's nice It's joey's one of the worst people to get those truth bombs because we You like in the back of your head, you know, he's right Oh, that's the fucking worst and he's not right about it like i'm not saying you're right about everything because no one's right about everything

But when you like when you had a couple we've had a couple of those talks and during it you like you hate them It's brutal you hate and I think it's just anybody who you hate like when can like it's so Who do you hate the most nine out of ten men? Are mad at their dads because they confront us there our mirror, but they're not doing that you hate You hate the people growing up. I hated my stepdad because he would Break my shit He would break whatever move I made he was two steps ahead of me You you always don't like the people I grew up around people that in all those years

I was fucking up at the end of the night when I was coming down off the coke They said listen, we had a great time and stuff like I talked to you Somebody came and talked to me. They know that this guy you robbed his house I don't mean to bring this up, but I didn't want to ruin your night last night sleep on the couch Get up in the morning and we got to handle this And they're not telling me what to do. They're not asking me what to do They're kind of hinting to me

What the right thing to do and I get pissed One of the worst conversations I ever had was with matt wood when he came up to me at the county works and he goes Why do you come here? Ralph in 95. Yeah, I'm ready to kill my ex-wife. I'm living in a basement I have no food in the refrigerator. I'm sustaining just to do blow pay my rent and pay child support I'm lifting weights. I'm doing the right thing, but I'm on a fucking roll every night And I would cancel all the time the open mic and this guy came up to me and he goes can I talk to you for a second? He's like, hey, man, why do you come down here? Why do you waste your time in that time?

He goes, let me be as honest. I can't with you because Just being you you're the funniest out of all these open micers God forbid you wrote a joke and god forbid you showed up Look at your t-shirt. You got a white t-shirt on You got a white t-shirt on dog my hands We're fucking clenching to punch this guy in the mouth And he goes, I'm not saying nothing bad about you. You're funnier than these guys just being you and you're thrown in the white I know you're doing blow. I know you don't do it here, but I know you don't and this guy just read me the writer

I walked to the bus and then we're out and walked back to beat him up And when I went back god let him know to get the fuck out of there. You got out of there. You know where I seen the guy again Bumped into the guy again in 98 at the brave bull In wow in o'hambra and I followed the guy that used to come out with the hat and go, hi I want like my wife and I like my tits with brown coffee. The guy was like a detective Yeah, Dwight something in the 80s and yeah, Dwight's late. No, no, Dwight's late the guys from portland Friends with Hicks. This is a different guy Dwight something and I followed him and ripped the room apart and he was back. They were brian dunkelman

Oh, they had just moved to la together man, and he came up to me those basal de la mortis And I pulled him aside. I go matt wood and he hugged me and he goes That was he goes. I'm really proud of you. You know why? Because that talk you had with me and he took me outside He goes, I was never more scared in my life But you had to hear it he goes me Todd and a bunch of comics talked about it And Todd didn't have the balls to say something because I thought you're gonna punch me in the face. I go change my life It changed who I am today. I'm in LA because of the fucking words

You said yeah as much as I hated him that night, you know You are In my eyes when I talk about headliners of this decade. You're the top guys. I learned from You have no time to slip and the godfather there's a line But every time I hear it I want to punch myself in the face and it's the fucking worst line you could ever say But where I come from it's true Women and children could slip Men don't slip

That's it. Yeah, women and children can make a mistake. Men can't make mistakes. We we don't have I'm free I don't have time to make a mistake anymore. I do not have time to to to Do anything we've got handed the keys to the castle raffi man. Yeah You know I have been handed the keys to the castle without a doubt. I haven't had a job In 20 fucking years that's the reason I've never had an answer to somebody after I went to prison I didn't like a man kicking my bed and telling me to wake up. All right I haven't had an answer to somebody. Well, I haven't had an answer somebody since I was 15 But for a job to make a living

And somehow it came together even when you were in your fucking apartment. Yeah, it always came together As long as you were out every night, right? You were writing every night. You fucking hustle right every day work every night Is it scary when you see like how close it is like So I just did that that seminar And now I'm trying to start doing more more of them And I wasn't even really scared before the first but now that I'm like, oh, I could I could see my I really enjoyed doing it and now that I could see Not that it's going to be easy, but I like I can see that I'm but it's possible

Like after you guys see do shows and you see that it's possible and you know that there's a ton of work to put in Like at least for me it got scarier. I'll tell you what your market needs right now And this guy's a genius of getting the business for you But I think right now what you're doing. Fuck these little comedians. I think if they're gonna start a podcast They're gonna start a podcast. They know how to do it. Okay. I think your People is that computer people. Yeah tech people people who really Are uncomfortable. They don't know this world and they want to learn it from a to z Comics know this world

They have friends that are doing this right now. Every comic's doing this right now. Okay. It's uh, it's a it's you're going you're going after pennies When you go after dollars It's just gonna take you a little work. But when you strike one of those companies You're gonna hit. Oh, you mean go after companies. Okay. Go after fucking AT&T and go. How come AT&T does never podcast every week? Yeah, that's crazy talking about their services and what's going on with phones and technology and like Sciences and answering people's problems and shit. Yeah, that's where the dough is right now That's your next move. That's who's at home going right now. There's a board meeting going right losing 22% because we're not computer We're not yeah savvy savvy. Yeah, what is going on? Tell us about this twitter

Look at fucking amazon amazon today's getting slammed by fucking shit work conditions for people I mean they're keeping people working in fucking warehouses over 110 degrees with no breaks They time everything they need some fucking counter that shit. I mean, I don't want to buy amazon now I mean, but if if they would have a podcast that could explain it and tell me hey the air conditioning broke You know, maybe I don't know the full context. Maybe the full context is not being reported You know those fucking news agencies is always a fucking by the way I'd like to hear the other guy's fucking side of this shit. All right, and that's exactly what they need Lee, I mean you could you could fucking kill that shit, dude

And you know who told me this once I remember Houston was the hottest comedy thing of all time And in the late 90s, it was really booming and one day I went to do a teen all night and dame cook was there And I go up to dame. I go dame. I was Houston. He goes man. That's a great club. He goes, you know what? It was too many shows for the money. I gotta figure out how to just do one big show there Five years later. He was doing theater's league Yeah, my point is that yeah You could go to the clubs around the country

You gotta there's expenses and you know how expensive is being out there roughly, man It's fucking the biggest expense. It's it's it's it's so there's a lot of expenses For the price you were charging. I mean it's your thing is a workshop Right, it's nine the fucking five type deal for these people. Your thing is a workshop Your thing isn't just one hour. Your thing is a fucking workshop. Yeah, we we did like almost two hours and it wasn't enough time No, your thing is a workshop. There's two parts to yours. They got to go eat lunch and come back and have questions Do you think you just do like a whole like rent a room at a hotel? That's what I've been thinking about like fucking. Yeah Yeah, and get it and do it off days

You can you can save a lot of money if you do it off days, bro and uh, you know if you can and and Book into it that you can adjust the size of the room All right So if you have a big turnout then they can open it up like bananas a small boom like bananas in jersey Yep, and you could do it You know, you ever see those commercial for real estate people that come to your town and teach you how to make a million dollars Yeah, but that's a scam. I don't want to scam anyone scamming nobody. I'm just saying it's the same type of thing

At least I will be in your area and then what you could do is maybe do a big one and then do a comedy club So you get two bangers for a buck. Okay, I bet I bet zany is in Nashville. We do it, bro Yeah, zany is in there. There's a ton of comics there that need to be podcasting and if you had there I mean you could do they put out to all the comedy clubs in the southeast and all of these comics to come There's fucking 40 guys in Memphis. There's fucking shit ton and louisville laxington Fucking Knoxville Chattanooga Atlanta Birmingham man. All of those guys will come up I'd love to do them everywhere, but and that was the one thing that I was surprised by like the crowd that came out to Toronto

Wasn't a lot of comics. There were a couple there, but it was mostly other people. You need right now. There's businesses That really need your services You have to find a way to reach them and go listen, you know, how long you've been plumbing 32 years Not for nothing if you're making a living doing it, you know a thing or two Right get somebody else on there even if it's just for a half hour the plumbing show Who gives a fuck today didn't fucking home improvement. I remember for years. Oh, yeah, man You would teach how to tear up a floor. What's the difference doing on a fucking podcast?

No, there is no difference. What's the difference people want to hear that? I'll hear it on the radio and a lot of those guys are fucking funny as shit. Yeah, they are naturally They just need a co-host. I'm being between. Yeah, and the steering. Oh, but somebody's got to steer them There's got to be a program or solely that you could push these people on to go One two three abc and do what you did call them and go hey I'm referring these people. I did that You know, I know you did that but you have to do it more with more companies now Now the next one is the people they contact to download it because you're leaving

So they don't know how to fucking download this. There's got to be a company to teach them how to do that Now you got to go let me go. Oh, yo, I'm gonna send you 18 fucking people a dollar a piece every week. Whatever I'm just saying right you just sit down to go mine Late that's just you have to point that the right direction. Yeah, you have a brother bullet Just come to nashville. Okay, I'll set it up. I'll set it up. I'll get you a night Okay, I know everybody fucking run out there and supports you nashville always supports Us podcasts or comics. Okay, that'd be great and dude and not only that you don't even have to get a hotel Lee you can stay at my house

My house is like eight blocks away from the club and it's empty. It's a big fucking house Food in the freezer Fuck yeah, that's fucking everything. I got everything in there ready to go I'd love to yeah, man. Lee would be my pleasure and I even got my buddy erin who'll pick you up from the I mean from the airport my car. You can drive my car But sir people talk to me all the time about starting something Yeah, especially like on the road that they do this. I had a dentist talk to me about it I had a shoe guy, but I fucking lost the car. Oh, okay. Oh, yeah in boston. Yeah, but boston. I had a

People are interested in this. They just don't know where to start. It's like What's his name said in the Sopranos? Everybody wants to cooler. They just don't know where to buy one. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, right. Well, that's you that's like that's the issue. I found when I was building it It's just if you google it. There's 8,000 people telling you 20,000 different ways to build a podcast So like that's what I said at the beginning like this is just the way I did listen, but here's the fucking thing Okay, this is me. This is fucking me. Okay. Yes I bought the fucking judy brown workbook Right and I read about comedy like every other comedy that

But I learned from watching Ralphie May I learned from watching Bill Burr and Greg Harald on Joe Rogan and Ari and Duncan You learn different things Okay Right now, you know, I saw that ad for the people on tv. Hi, we could Up your marketing and do this and this and this that's great But I'll tell you what you got you got some kid that went to school for marketing They're between that kid and you as you're living it You've seen it. You've seen how our numbers went up what we did what works

And what different works in some markets how many times have you called me and said wow We had this guy who's a celebrity and he's got no hits and this guy's a plumber and he's got 2,000 fucking hits I wonder what the fuck happened. We learned not to release a podcast on a friday, right? That's a dead fucking thing. We learned not to edit a fucking podcast These are the things we learned by doing we used to do a podcast we used to edit it We stopped editing it the numbers went through the fucking roof Right, you know when they hear you say fuck and yam and fucking chinese They love that shit

They love that shit because you're talking from the fucking heart So this is yeah, so this is what you have to tell the people that they're gonna sit there and look at you If I had any type of business today flooring and fucking tiles If I wasn't a snappy guy, I'd have somebody in there But I'd have them pushing the envelope because I want people to say what the fuck is raffi may flooring talking about Fingers up an asshole. Just did not continue on my twitter. I'm a Christian I'm a Christian These are the people that push you more. These are the people are gonna go you want that company?

And that's what you're trying to do That's what you're trying to do online That is the social whatever you could go on facebook and dick around and show people what you had for lunch Who gives a fuck? You know who gives a fuck unless you're eating, uh, especially because people follow so many people you really have to stick out Yeah, man, especially if you have a business if you say I mean you'll get a lot of hits if you like Took what you had for lunch and it's like jiner, you know, if it's a nice pussy me. All right, that'll get a lot of hits All right, but that's the only hit man

If you're taking a picture of your fucking sandwich, go fuck yourself. Why don't you tape your workouts? I like going to v-max for the kettlebells when they take my work as it drives me crazy I do it for them because I like them But I don't do it for me the why I fucking hate that shit Why I hate that shit for me to go to the gym and Periscope myself listen I go on the periscope and I do what I do best and that's smoke reefer for five minutes I don't want to talk to nobody after five minutes right around If you're smoking good weed you smoke the joint you had your soda you had you done it

Is there anything else I could do for you? No. All right. See you later. Bye. Pasadena Lena I'm putting the fuck out of here. I'm putting the stereo on i'm getting fucking that's that's right, man I'm fucking new super music. I want to sit here smoke dope and look at you scratch your feet Go to your own house and scratch your feet. Let me sit here meditate on this fucking hash. I just smoke I'm hearing fucking sirens and shit That's the point. That's the fucking point of this whole thing is to get away and people want to fucking crowd you I love getting high, but I love getting high I don't trust it anymore. My favorite thing in life is to put get high and put fucking

Speakers on and just go for a fucking walk on the sun. You can't do it. Yeah, somebody's gonna come up behind you and shoot you in the head You don't hear explosions Fucking you know isis is running through the park While listening to fucking prints man fucking speaking of isis. I was down at Irvine Holy shit, that is the most a-rabs. I've seen since fucking Kuwait. All right. I've been taking a little bit of holy shit, dude These fucking retards. They throw their goddamn carpets out in front of the fucking fountain It looks like valet parking for magic carpets. It's already in Why are you tormenting these beautiful? It's already in days. Hey because it look blow up. He is fuck out there

That's why because those fucking they're very combustible. That's why and and and I've gotten shot at by those cocksuckers So people over there not the ones here. The ones here are nice people telling you. I don't know they're nice people Because I can't I can't fucking tell their difference. They're walking around with that Fucking hot jeep or whatever the fuck that shit is looking blow up. He's like a motherfucker Man, I'll throw a ham sandwich at him. They'll kill themselves. I saw this fucking problem I had fucking success with people from those communities. I don't know why and when I was young, you know, I had my I like I like some of them. You know who I really dig and it's fucking crazy Iranians

I'm fucking like Iranians more than I do the a-rabs. All right fucking way more. I love the iranians. I love the armenians I like the armenians too. They're fucking crazy. It's like, hey, come your shoulder, bro. I like at this point in my life I mean everybody I Yeah, right. Yeah, listen. I hate russians. I'll tell you I don't like fucking russians. Why don't you keep it up russians keep it up They're gonna drop a grenade and come here russians and fucking arrows. I hate fucking russians. I've hated since russians It's goddamn 84. Why are you so crazy and red dawn? They suck my dick and you know what they killed apollo cre too nigger. Don't forget

Hey, go fuck that self. All right. There's cocksucking russians. They put baby in the corner. Fuck them motherfuckers I hate those cocksuckers people eat a dick russians. They got nice fucking wheat stores. They don't bother nobody They always give you an extra gram. They know what's going on. Yeah, the russians here They're the ones who seek in the great american dream and taking over white people and punching them in the face I'm talking about the cocksucker russian russians. Okay that in russia. Okay. I mean police probably fucking russian june Yeah, he's ashkenazi like a nick man. I love that guy. All right, but it's it. That's what it is That's what it is. He leaves down. Okay, I like to be like a nigga Yeah, right for real because look at you lea. You ain't wearing no sweater in the fucking summer

Okay, you ain't smoking shit crazy cigarettes. You don't smell like smoked fish All right, those jews always smell like fucking fish those fucking crazy russian jews over there in west hollywood That's all they got. That's all they got bro. They are fair facts Oh, man, I wish they were on fair facts. They're on sunset That's a big place that club by that urban ramen place that used to be that I mean it's been like a thousand places It was right across some green tea house where we used to go. You remember we used to go over there for fucking It's right across that's a big russian hangout dude. They're all russian gangsters. All right One of their girls hit one of our cars and they came out and said it was our fault

And the car was parked and nobody was in the fucking car and they started to fucking saying something And you know me cocoa. I carry a pistol a lot a lot Okay, I've got I've got a class three weapons license. Okay, and I've got just things from the fbi All right, I can carry the fucking thing anywhere. Okay, I can fly with it. All right, and I'll just fucking pull my gun I just pulled the gun and the guy's back to fuck off and we got to exchange information and looking with no drama All right, but they were fucking surrounding my wife. What the fuck am I supposed to do? I got hit I got hit by a russian lady in a parking lot up here and she she refused to but it was her Yeah, exactly like 90 years old. So I felt really bad

But she just she was like no, that wasn't me and her car was filled with dents just Oh my god, I've I got hit too. I got hit by a russian too. She paid me. Fuck you pay me. You gotta pay me I got that one insurance. I don't know who the fuck they are. Fuck you pay me and see you later bye Are you it's crazy though? I used to you know I always crack jokes and like I say on stage. I'm not really a racist at all I'm not a you know, whatever, but I say racist remarks for a laugh for myself At least to keep me the fuck you're sensitive because in the back of my mind, I know they're saying shit about spicks

Oh, man, if I'm not around I know people talking about mexicans. I'm not even fucking mexican I hear I hear people talking about mexican in their real views and I giggle and I don't make a joke But I fucking know now at least I know how you feel You know, it doesn't bother me. I'm not listen. I've never felt I felt insecure Growing up to like being second like being third tier because I was cuban But I never got offended when people said shit to me growing dude. I was white trash. I was fucking white trash And now I'm fat white trash

You know, what are you gonna do? You want what the fuck you write exactly? Fuck it. I learned early on if they say that type of shit just giggle and I always did They're just I never had a beef with it one time. I had a beef with it and I had I was mad anyway So he just gave me an excuse What's up, Lee? Look at you. You're back in coma fucking hell. Yeah mama waiting for you tonight. Yep. Oh Shit, she's there. What would you make in over there? Was she making for dinner? I don't know what for dinner I'm finding yeah, I guess. What do you think? What do you think it is? What are you back on? Probably a good sandwich. I don't know like a turkey sandwich. Oh, yeah, that's what she's making you for dinner

I don't know. You know what I mean back in turkey sandwich. I don't know. It's gonna be like 11 o'clock at night You know, you gotta you gotta come to my house for a turkey sandwich. I get jewish rye All right, and I put uh put a little uh russian dressing on there I know I hate the russian so it's ironic that I like the dressing All right, and then and then good ass turkey right there a little sauerkraut make a rubin right there In cheese what you'd love it. Lee. You'd love it. You'd love it Man, you are the shittiest jew of all time. You know that all the time all the time. Yeah, he's so removed from the rules of Yeah, I mean how's your your guideline for his what food have eaten

And the rules of being from boston. He's he felt like did you even get bar mitzvah? Yeah, okay My portion was noa Your what name is noa. No. No, you have a portion like every week is a different story and my story was noa Your story. Yeah, he read part of the scroll Oh, no, he fell in love with a mexican chick. No, he's the one that had the art guys Yeah, man No put all the animals into by toe It's no it's just I didn't

I have my Mic right say some of that for us. I know you still remember it. I don't remember shit. Don't you bullshit me Those jews drill that shit into you for six fucking years. I know it's terrible I don't like what like the like noa or just anything just any of that Come on sing it. Come on. Let's see. Come on. Ruka. Todd and I al-hanim al-ham Hey, he on him. He got a lot as my husband. I think that's like one over bread. I'm not sure. Yeah, that's all Wow, yeah, I need this shit in my life. Sure. Why not? You gotta know what if you're ever in israel? And you gotta bless some bread no shit man. Hey, and you know what fucking number one in israel right now

Churchill, what's happening now? Fuck yeah, dude just went crazy if I woke up if I got it right fucking them up right man I I liked I like israel. I like the way they fucking roll I do. Yeah, it's getting scarier like I went over there and it was fine But now you see like I used to be all pro israel, but now you gotta look at it kind of objectively and realize They're both kind of fucking up everybody's fucking up man It just go to hyphen and everything hyphen really nice. Yeah, everything's chill and hyphen man

What I was gonna say to you was there's no guidelines But I always thought people from the east coast ate a little differently at least growing up I did about two years ago my best friend in jersey his son came out here His no his sister's son came out here who I knew since he was a little kid And we were talking and when somebody comes out in their fucking 17 to go to the navy I said you want to go out to dinner? Where do you want to go? And he's like I don't care. You can take me to subway And I said you're from north bergen. You're from the projects of north bergen and you're with subway

He goes, that's all I eat his subway or my grandma's spaghetti I go, so that's all you wake growing up. You know, jone didn't take it a peek at least a little Joan didn't take it a what's that? A chance. Yeah, dragon in and she goes the good one of them fucking tiki drinks So I didn't know that you've been there early. Yeah, so good man. Then fucking egg rolls Fucking spare ribs are really good. Oh man. The spare ribs. I'm counting the fucking days But it's so weird. I I thought people ate fried rice. No pizza. That's what it was. I just thought I ate differently But you know when I went to new york city

10 years ago and I saw The thing that red band likes olive garden Oh, that's disgusting 48th street in the middle of time square time square. I knew it was over I knew that there was a lack of everything whoever rented that building should be fucking shot and hung Two times in the head But that's the way I was in long island in an elevator I saw a kid coming up with dominoes pizza And I almost died one time I was stuck in long island overnight. I just went to the hotel

I was a terrible hotel And I went to the guy I go come I got a menu and he gave me a chinese menu And I just ordered because I was hungry Lee the best fucking food I had in years at this little because long island has two airports They have that big airport, which is kennedy. Yeah jfk and then they have that little one out there the southwest flies into it A lot of people don't know about that airport. Yeah, but bro. That's a long slip, right? It's ice slip. That's a long flight From fucking I took that flight on a cheap run

On some howitzer reunion show in the theater and craig gas We're supposed to go on howitzer and howitzer and hung up on him Oh So we only sold 80 tickets And I got a big song and dance at the end of the fucking show. It was Oh about about how we didn't sell enough. We can't pay you man. There's always those motherfuckers. Usually it's a black guy All right, at least I had the black guy, but yeah in texas. Oh my god There was a asshole named vance bradford. That still owes me for a gig at texas a and m

Okay from fucking 94 jack. That's the manager. Yeah. Yeah, that's a manager and he still owes me 500 for that He's a fucking dick. All right, and you know, I'm rich. I don't even 500 is dinner with us. Okay, you remember all those fucking, but I remember the guys the fucking Fucked me when I needed it. Judy brown 25 bucks for an mc spot in veil, colorado. No hotel I had to call from Lakewood Chrysler Plymouth and on that night. It was so cold I had to sleep in my car when I started the fan belt fucking snapped And I had to get I just left the car there and quit the job

I never called up. I never wanted got my last check. There was no use. I just left the car there Wow, I called him and said the fan belt broke. I don't know what to tell you. I'm not coming back That would happen. I just I'm like this was a sign from god Yeah, beat the 25 bucks the fucking car blew up That was not bro. I had a ton of jobs. I would just take the job to get the car Oh my god, man, tell him about gas stationing. Okay, in north jersey. No, listen to this It was when I went back to colorado in 93 I lived in colorado from october 93. I went back to I lived with my cousin

Alcouello in Nevada for about three months And basically all he did was get me advances to go to places to get a job So I would walk into your dealership with a suit on and go i'm gonna run your fucking latino division First I went to Douglas Toyota who had the strongest latino division They had Alcouello and this mexican dude. They put the mexican dude on television and said We'll fucking finance you. We speak spanish Fucking Douglas Toyota went from selling

300 cars a month to 450 Wow 150 cars a month to the mexican community two sales. Yeah, man selling 150 cars to mexican Alcouello and another mexican my cousin and out and this mexican Alcouello bought a home He was stuck. Yeah, I mean they were killing and then the word got out So Al hired me and I went over there I went over there with no money in my pocket and Al got me. I think $1,500 upfront A car to take home every night with a license plate with no drama and I could work my own hours So if I had a gig I could leave at eight o'clock

And I think for 90 days dog. I made seven to eight grand a month, but I was there You got to be there and it's a line of closure store. What that means is how you doing Ralphie man? What's happening? Everything beautiful. Yeah, it was cracking. I'm looking for a truck. Okay. Let me show you this truck You like it. You want to drive it? Yeah, we come back. Can I get you the numbers? Let's go I came in here with a Range Rover. Come on. Let's do the numbers I sit you down. Then I bring the fucking flying Jew in there a motherfucker that don't give a fuck about nothing This guy sold his mother a car for a thousand over retail and he comes in and works Ralphie man And guess what? That's it. I never see Ralphie man again. I sell that car

You get a percentage from the dealership to close the deal. Guess what I do I'm a fucking whore. I go right back out there and get another customer And in those days that lot had so many customers that I would just qualify right there. What's happening Ralphie man? Nothing. What's cracking? What are you looking for a truck? Let me ask you something If we make a deal today, you're gonna buy today. Well, I don't know. Listen, listen Don't hit me with that. I don't know shit either. We're on or off You're gonna buy a truck because I'll fucking go in there and fight you like a motherfucker I'll get that truck down to bare bones today. Let me see the thousand in your pocket

And they go let's do it and I had this motherfucker on I drive them come back pushing to a closer That's lying to close it. So you throw eight motherfuckers to the grave Six of them are gonna buy two of them are gonna be bad credit So I sold four cars to the fucking day It just numbers you just got to talk to you got to grab people in those days You had to hide behind cars and shit and spook people you think I'm fucking kidding You think I'm kidding you though You got to stand by the door and put your hand on the car. Were you heavy then or no? No, I was in shape

You had to drive in and put your hand on the door And walk them to a parking spot and greet them and then take them and fucking jam them in the ass And then when they fucking got pissed off at me, I said fuck you and I just started harming myself going to different dealerships I'm going let me talk to the owner. Listen How many fucking specs you selling them on three? Well, we're gonna kick that up to fucking 44 How this is what we're gonna do you're gonna do ads on the radio I'm gonna do them in Spanish and that's all I did for a year. I'd work there for a month I get an advance like five grand pay the attorneys from the child support all that shit

I owed and I just keep moving the fuck on Ralphie man It was amazing how many people I put together at the end. I finally put together a used car lot One of those fucking 60 cars in the lot they financed you I got one of those jobs and that job wasn't bad They let me work my hours until one night the engine blew up Of one of their cars How did the engine blow up dog? Listen In those days with my luck. I was watching swat the other night the guy goes to the restaurant He kills his uncle he gets in a car. He gets pulled over for a fucking a busted tail light

That's the kind of luck you have when you live in those circles You understand me. So in those days anything I touch blew up blew up Didn't I blow up and made I was wondering if you're going to talk about that. That's the greatest story of all time. Oh my god She was a dumb bride who was all in love with josh wool. All right and and and and to get closer to josh This big ass girl. She she she could only get like 500 for a piece of shit car She was getting she got a new car. And so she just gave it to coco. No, she gave it to josh

Oh, she gave it to josh and josh gave it to coco. Okay, so So I think we're over like a like a bag of weed. Okay. He got a car. All right Coco lost he he was dating the tooth and he fucking got pissed off matter But tell him the whole story the car. I'm going to the car had air conditioning It had power windows. It was a Nissan cruise, but the brakes were a little low But what happened was she gave me the car with only a month and a half on the tags So I used to sleep in this motherfucker at night I would snore coke and go in that car open the sunroof. I put a blanket over me. I jerk off into a sock

I'm gonna roll over and listen to air condition. Then I wake raffi up at nine and go eat his food. Yeah So they once the place is shower always shower two times a day Oh at the college two or three times a day at the college store I would shower at nine when it opened and then I go back about Seven thirty before anybody would go down there because I didn't want Jeff to catch me naked in the piano room That motherfucker give me a shot of piano dick That's a D minor That is crazy. So they kept giving once the tags expired

There were these black chicks with the donut haircut the donut dude Yeah, with a gold tooth. I'll never forget that woman and what she would do is she would look for that car I used to watch her. Yeah, and she would just pull over and give her the ticket Because that's what they do to expire tags. She would just pull off. She recognized the car. Yeah That car had so many fucking tickets, but there was more story Dude, dude, you had you had red zone tickets. Oh, it was down to cap parking tickets Okay, it was like $10,000. Why didn't you just park in a better place? Because they still find me there was no better place Park it'll compadre and they still find how much it did to register a car

I couldn't register because she had the title. She never gave josh the title. Oh, oh, no, you have no idea But I took that car dog. I drove that car with no brakes For about two or three months. No brakes. No insurance. No registration. No, nothing. Please. Please. Let me tell you man Okay, you knew cocoa was coming because you heard the squeak of the fucking of the brakes So what happened when you were playing and go crazy? It would just go And smoke would come out of the tires And I go all the way every day to redondo beach and back because at that time I was living in redondo beach and I do 60 with that dog. You have no fucking idea was

I remember being how do you do 60 in the car with no brakes? Listen to me, dog They used to do a contest in redondo beach on thursday nights and the king of the contest was pablo francisco And when he would I would look at the schedule when he was not a town I go down there on thursdays With fucking enough money to get me down there in that carly It was a hundred bucks. It was a hundred bucks 50 for second place or pizza for third place Yeah, and in the first place got free food and no, no, no, I just wanted to hundred because I had to come back No, you got both. No, I didn't even eat. I didn't even eat. Oh man. We always did because we You ate plenty of time because you fucking eat it at my house than on thursday morning

In those days When you put a hundred dollar bill in my pocket. Yeah There was no time for food. I shot to get the blow first. Then we ate Just to make sure the cocaine was there cocaine had to get if I just made a hundred dollars trust me There's no food on my mind No, I could be a fucking one of those africans that's skinny with his rib cage This flies all over him and i'm still getting in my car and going to fucking poncho's house and getting my grandma blow Whatever's left over from the grandma blow. We're putting 10 in the gas tank

We're getting five for cigarettes and whatever's fucking, you know, that's the mentality now I hey in your defense. I have to say Every coco when they towed his house. He was living in my place They towed the car and they towed his house and so I got my car towed so I can go in and get it Okay, and when I went in there, I got all his clothes and everything and by the way I checked the glove box and it was like opening up one of them can of fucking snakes on springs You know what i'm talking about and all them tickets fell out motherfucker. It was like an encyclopedia Fell the fuck out. I mean a whole idea all I mean it was just like it kept on coming late

It was like you clear a bunch out and it was still fucking a shit ton in there So it was like one a day for like three months dude three or four a day because the car got towed The car got towed probably november and I started with that car in july or in fucking june And they started ticketing me the mid july and then I lived by sam and medina. What's his name joy medina. I'm fine Yeah, oh bro. You have no fucking idea. I lived all over there where rafi first lived Yeah, rafi moved out and then joey needed a roommate and I went over fucking there You should have like bought new license plate off clanton dog. There was no money for life. Do you not listen? You're getting $15 a spot. You're getting 40 at fucking uh

Do it miss piggy again. Rose mead fucking alhambra west covena clothes on the road corona You bought clothes on the fucking road. Lee. You took a bus They used to drive me to take a bus to opasso That was the joe deez express to joe deez express monday nights to be in opasso Tuesday morning at one in the afternoon Do you understand what commitment is for $550? Yeah, fucking one two three four five six fucking shows in those days You paid 75 a fucking cent if you bought a southwest flight. That was half your fucking yeah, there it goes

So for you to snorkeling go to taco cabana and party you had to take the fucking bus So he used to book me for two weeks and I still come home fucking broke Fucking crazy. It's it's it's sickening what we did in the name of comedy and party. I'm not gonna lie to you But the whole time I was serious about it. That's why I I could have party at the store I was still serious about it. I just had the party element to me and in those days opasso They were giving away so yeah, man. It was I got I would get offered coke Like six seven times a night in opasso and I never took it

I never I never wanted to get a taste for it because I afraid I was gonna love it too much All right, and and that kills fat people, you know, let me just tell you let me just tell you How weird the road is so I'm an opasso and it's my birthday I'm an opasso and it's my birthday and it's a monday. We just did the week and I'm staying for another week And I got a call on saturday night from Ralphie main jody furtig This is 1998 I got a call from Ralphie main jody furtig that they're coming down. They're going back to la but they're coming down To hang out on sunday with me for my birthday

So it was me and noy gonzalez opening up for carlos men see it And that was like a good money week for me because you stayed on sunday And you did three shows on saturday and opened up to carlos. This is 98 What's his name really like me the owner of the bar read bar read So he would try to put me with the bigger names and he kept telling me i'm gonna have you open up for cars I'm like carl is not gonna go for he don't like me Well, there's one time carl said yeah, but I had to work with noe and I love noe from the store I love noe. So it was perfect. Noe forever. So it was my birthday on a sunday. It was Ralphie's on friday. Yeah

And We were going they were gonna come down sunday night. Oh, yeah, and jody got into a fight with carlos in the condo There you go. Oh man, bro. I got a memory like a fucking hawk, bro She called him out on her shit. I'll give it to they were playing nintendo in our room Yeah, why is carlos who's got a five-star hotel across town in our fucking comedy condo Playing fucking nintendo with noe Yeah, nobody's and jody's drinking. You're on the you're on the floor. I'm in the room I'm on the couch. I gave the bed to jody. There was two bedrooms. And this is the old comedy condo. Yeah

Not that not the one. Yes the one by the supermarket Yes, sir and her and carlos got into it. But the next morning we woke up fucking greatest the next morning We woke up. We didn't have much money. I think we went to arby's No, we went to a Mexican place and and they make these fucking fried tacos that they do in our bath. Okay. I thought we went to arby's that time Because I met you guys by arby's. Yeah, I walked down the hill and met you by arby's Yeah, because we couldn't find the right you brought your car and jody brought her car You had you guys were coming back to move here or something like that. Okay

So we go, what are we gonna do? Well, let's go to the fucking movies And payback wasn't the movie theater man in lucy luke had us all boned up We were all horny looking at lucy luke karate chopping niggas. It was awesome. It's the one. I love that shit This is 1998. It's 2015 guys just to show you guys the comedy journey Of broke comics. We're on the movie theater And it's this gotta be maybe 16 people in the movie. It's the one o'clock matinee on a monday And whatever the fuck we ate I rip a far

Lee and it went And then it just paused and I went And lee everybody looked at Ralphie, right? I mean everybody By the way, okay, it was like shooting shooting shooting explosions explosions and it stopped boom Dead fucking silence. It was the greatest fart timing of all time. Oh my god, lee. Okay. All right, everybody's looking at me Okay, and then coco goes god damn it Ralphie mate. Jesus christ. Jesus fucking christ Ralphie mate He's yelling it. All right, everybody's looking at me. He's going. I didn't fuck and we're fucking howling. I'm howling inside because Where's tony betta that guy?

So funny and then we went to the movies in universal city when I threw the m&m up Hit that ball guys We threw peanut m&m's at this motherfucker because it's a head look like a peanut m&m all oblong All right, and we just see the movie and every now and then you see just The big ads m&m fly the fuck up in the air Okay, bounced off the light. All right, and he was like looking back like who done it? Oh my god And we were leaving there and his head had candy Okay, had candy like like different colors and he was

To the manager Somebody this is this this scoundrel these teenagers So fucking m&m's Here's the whole story guys We're walking out. We forgot all about that. We threw a peanut in this motherfucker All I know is lee the peanut the peanut bounced off his head like three feet He looked up How many times do you smoke in m&m's at him? Oh like 15, right? It was a whole package

They would give two m&m's. It was a promotion. So it was two of those bags m&m's And even though we were high we're fat fucks. We're like, we don't need all the fucking whole another bag of m&m's And cocoa goes. Yeah, give me those And I'm whipping them at this guy whipping them during the ship parts of the movie. How old are you at this point? This is 10 years ago 10 years ago. I'm 33 I'm 39 I'm just high having a great time here. But here's the whole thing. We hit him with the thing He's looking around now

He had the weirdest fucking looking ahead. Oh my god We had a beat him because the light was bummed shining off his head Now we hit him and that's it. We move on with our lives. We're watching the movie We're hired Two hours later. We're walking out of this movie. We feel like nothing happened We forgot all about the penis and the guys got the penis And he's giving the hippie imagine How these guys hit me with and we're fucking howlin

I'm howlin. I'm fucking howlin right there in the guy's face. He had to know it was us They hit him with the fucking penis. Oh my god. We were fucking crying Crying so funny. What the fuck didn't you ever hit nobody with a penis? Yeah, but not no I mean it's hysterical, but I just I can't imagine you two Just like whipping peanut M&M's at this dude. Oh, yeah, man. We hit him good too He was like oh and and we were having a contest like how far could we bounce the fucking M&M off his head? And it would hit him and bounce off his head straight up like three or four feet. That's what fucking kills you Man, and you can see the peanut flying and the light from the fucking theater. Oh, it was beautifully

It was so funny Hey, man, okay, I gotta tell you how about the time that annoying fucking asshole was at the comedy store Telling us he was a fox tv guy. All right, and he's a producer. Okay All right, and we just got fucking sick of this asshole always critiquing us Never calling us in for this and you're like wealthy. Look at this All right, and you put like a thousand fucking snotts on this asshole's jacket A thousand snotts Okay, and I'm I'm laughing going I bet those snotts are worth 85 bucks if we grind them up

We for about for years I would put snotts on people started with this teacher in high school mr. Zink And I hung out with his daughter Susie Zink. She was fucking great friend of mine. We were But this guy had a suit and I would tap him on the shoulder I would pick a snot and tap him on the shoulder and mr. Zink was happening And you would see the snotts. He'd wear the same jacket every day. So that's the first guy on the bar that would snot And then when I was in colorado the funniest thing one of the funniest things I've ever seen I always wanted this guy to call into the podcast This is a guy that I didn't do comedy but he became my friend along the way

He was a brother of a friend of mine In colorado one morning. I did a quailude. It was the night before Thanksgiving. What were those like? Oh my god It was the night before Thanksgiving. This is what happened I had moved to aspen in april of 83 And by fucking september I was lonely guys, you know, I'm a fucking Nineteen-year-old kid nineteen-year-old kid fucking colorado. I just came from new york robbing shit I just robbed a jewelry store. I was doing a reputation and shit By the way, was that when george was the getaway driver, but he didn't know no, no, no, no, that was when timmy

And he listens to the no no timmy no george was the getaway driver for the gas station Yeah, and he didn't even know he was he was all hair on it out. I love it I'm sorry aspen colorado. No, you were home sick. I was really fucking home sick And there was a guy that had a little hotel across the street from At this place it was called the in-and-out sandwich shop and that's the first place raffin may I ever tasted like turkey with avocado and French ranch French dressing like the red one russian dress. Oh my god all healthy In fact the guy comes to my shows in buffalo. We reconnected in 1983

But across the street was a chateau and in front of it was a hitching post That you could sit there in aspen colorado downtown and people would pull over if you were going down valley This meant down valley This meant the short way this could be like snowmass village and they pull over and go where you going woody creek I'm going to snowmass village hop and you could take the bus down to woody creek. That's 83 So I went up and I became friends and the guy that owned the hotel He was from jersey But he was friends at the time with a philadelphia eagle

That lived next door to me like what a small world I moved from fucking jersey to basalt And the guy next to me is like an eagle from this from 68 And he was still big. He looked like uh christopher I don't remember what his fucking name was and him and his wife were good friends with my buddies from jersey So I became friends with them So all of a sudden I'm in aspen one day in front of the hitching post and I become friends with the guy that owns the hotel And one day I'm in front of the hotel and the fucking football player pulls up and gives me a ride and we all start talking He goes, you know, joey. Yeah, I know

So the next time I see this guy he goes come into my house And we start talking he goes taste his blow So he gives me some fucking blow and now we become friends every time I go in there I go in get a package from them then one day he kept telling me I got heroin I got he had all those designer pills in the 80s. I mean this guy was the guy He had a hotel and one night he goes, you know, I got qua loads I was like, what do you want from at the time? I was paying for an aspen there were 10 And there were six for 50. So I said give me fucking six of them

What a mistake that was and I went to my own apartment They were having a party where I lived my roommate was having a party where I fucking lived And I went over there. There was a cake. There was vodka and I popped one of those gorilla biscuits And next to you know, I woke up the next morning. I kept hearing an accent Uh-huh a north carolina accent some good man. I'm telling you Ohio State ain't shit the Tar Heels is the only way to go You're the bunch of motherfucking pussies and I get up to see was yelling in my living Let's just get from north carolina

White dude tall just a redneck opi tailor looking freckles and shit And I started to sit down with him and argue with him a little bit. We always became fucking goombas I don't know what the point of the story is what I'm telling you about car I want to hear about qua loads, man. I want to hit the call in. Oh, yeah, what happened with the about five six qua loads I ate one of those fucking gorilla biscuits. I think do you wake up in like north carolina? No, I woke up in aspen It's no mass village in my living room. Oh, okay Man, was it good? Was it a good ride those things? He doesn't know. I mean, would you know? Fuck yeah, I know. Oh my god

qua loads hit qua loads were huge in the cocaine when cocaine merged with studio 54 Right, the line in the lude, right? It was the qua lude the tumor and And something else there was something else in those days But the qua lude was the roar and the lemon, but they're both 7 14s I still remember distinct memory of being on the corner of 40 Dirt Street in front of my friend didi kentaro's house and this guy richie schrivanti pulling up and looking at me and going What are you doing? I'm like none. I was 16

And he goes you want to go lude? And that meant you want to do a lude And me and didi got in the car with him fucking ate a lude. It was tremendous in those days You ate a lude and drank one cocktail and you got fucked up like you didn't puke You just lost your body gumby. You You know you loved everybody You loved everybody. You know what i'm saying? Everybody was your goomba. They hugged you Drinks you ever get cosby

No No, and then you took them with the blow. Oh, okay to calm you down the mindset was that they calm you down But the more blow you did the more those gorilla biscuits you ate I told the joke on stage at the congress though. It didn't work But it really did happen to a friend of mine He left the house with a hundred quay ludes on a bicycle And he came back with a handlebar and stitches and not a dime because Once you built the tolerance to him it was a tolerance like nothing else

Lee built the tolerance of thc 20 milligrams. This isn't really killing him tonight right now He's usually dead, but eventually you build the tolerance all the wee wee smoke, but it's you build the hash because it's hash monday But it also had you had two effects in those days and this is the truth you had I personally never knew anybody Who dosed a chick like cosby was doing I get to give you my word crazy But I I had a girlfriend that I take them with her Yeah, I take half and we drink harvies bristol cream and do a couple lines And the sex would be out of this world. I guess

You know, I guess I've always been bad in bed. So who the fuck But I mean unless I just like heard the story Didn't the cosby girls say like they passed out? So it doesn't sound like quay unless you unless you give them like a listen if I give a hundred and forty pound girl A fucking quay lude the ones I was getting in those days. Yeah, listen. I was getting quay ludes on the street But then when I became 18 I was getting some quay ludes up on 68th street from this chick. That was a punk rock chick Everybody else had brown hair and this bitch had purple hair

And she was chubby and let me just break it down to you this way guys her brother You can look him up in Wikipedia. He's the real motherfucking deal And I he was older than I was but he was a tremendous basketball player And when we were kids we used to talk on the phone. I had no idea about his family's affiliation But here it is plain and simple The quay ludes I got from her Were the best things I ever ever ate in my life And the word on the street listen everybody lies about drugs

It's like the doctors. Okay, don't Ralphie. How's your knee fine? Coco? I didn't know if I tell you I got the best surgeon. Everybody got the best surgeon This guy worked on chow Johnson. This guy does the front lines You know, this guy this guy operated jesus when he came back, you know, everybody's got the best fucking surgeon Everybody's got the best dentist might and bed and bed, you know, I asked jim callum the wig jim He sent me to a dentist that of course you're 300 just to walk into the office in bell hills Because he does the chicken mine I've got my dentist is in nashville and he's helped a bunch of comedians and brothers of mine

Go in there and uh get their dental work And it's he is fucking the best He's a black dentist we call him the unicorn because I never fucking met a black dentist before him But he's a bad motherfucker every chicken there is a fucking dime. All right His his wife looks like michelle obama. All right. I mean she fine too. All right. He drives old hot rods He's a bad motherfucker. All right. What's I got to do with kwayloons? Hey, hey, I'll hook you up. You said about dentists. I actually got a guy when you go to Tennessee, but one of my point is everybody always says

I'm scared I go down the corner from my house. There's a little iranian guy The arabian guy that motherfucker beats insurance every time this guy comes to me and he goes I could get you this this this next, you know, I see him next time. He goes. Listen. I got your fucking rebate Don't worry about the fucking 200. That's what they do. They work the system. Yeah, right? The way you supposed it. Yeah, but so this girl for years kept telling me These things are pharmaceutical. I would go to I would meet like at seven o'clock on friday and get it and everybody else wanted four In the mid 80s and 81 and 82 this bitch wanted six But I mean they came in a wrapper jacket like sealed as she'd tell you they were pharmaceuticals and those things

If you look in my eyes, I have veins that busted They're from those Things I know for a fact. I remember that the first time I ate one of her pills I still remember uniquely that night. I stayed on 46th street hill and it was the dead of the winter And in those days, we barely had you know, we'd buy a nickel bag of weed We'd buy a bottle of pupa vodka or wolf schmidt silver Ain't another old pupa. I've gotten sucked up on that. We've got a mixer Gatorade or army juice and in those days we didn't have enough to blow

So the kid I hung out with his brother was a slinger So we'd stay at his house. Our goal was to stay up till 2230 Because when callers would come home, he'd give us each a little line We were 15 D. He was maybe 13 Wow, and callers would give us a little line and go get the fuck out of my room I got a girl coming over and that was it. We'd do a quail loop but One friday in particular me and this kid

ate one of those pills and went back to his house and we put on lead zeppelin three Particularly gallows poll We listened to gallows poll a thousand Fucking times put on gallows polly such a strong gallows poll lead zeppelin three. We put that song on round feet a thousand times and we sat in his brother's room with the lights dim And we just drank smoked dope And listened to this fucking song over and over and over I remember the brother coming give me a lot of coke on those days. My mother had just died. I was living with the bendis

and I'd walk over to The bendis fucking jazzed up at four in the morning. What are you gonna say to me? It wasn't my parents. I was just living there All night I listened to this song Quail looted up the next morning I woke up. I had fucking My eyes were bloodshot and there's veins that stayed purple Like they just stay like that and that was the end of that's the story of the fucking vein in my eye Shit

At this time tomorrow in 12 hours, I'll be fainting Oh, really? I got a physical and the finger up the ass tomorrow the chest x-ray And everything I got to clean my ears. What's it gonna make you faint the finger the blood But I'm I'm charging the iPod right now the last couple times. Let me see for the heart thing I went into complications I always go into combo. Okay, whatever. I have complications they stuck the

When they stuck this For the fucking thing with my heart the ink. I got a little they were they didn't know what was going on Then I I just breathed through my nose and I'm fine When I did it for the the tube the camera in my asshole when they put the intravenous in That time they had to turn the air conditioning. I just went and fucking profusely in there Tomorrow they if they put me in the room with no windows. I have a hard time But if they put me in the room with window if I could see light What I do is I go in there first and I set up the fucking cut how I like it

Wait, I like the pillow. I swear to god. I run that fucking Bob Hope medical center. Dr. Wax is my fucking main man So he's not even in the room yet when he comes he goes. What do you want to do first? They throw a fucking A sheet on you. You got to take your underwear off tomorrow. It's a fucking nightmare tomorrow And he'll look at my ears. He'll look at my nose. I gotta trim my nose hairs today He'll look under my armpits. He'll film me for fucking lumps whatever the fuck he does He'll make me show him my dick and he'll fucking grab my balls and make me cough And then he's talking to me. Let me check your lungs with With the you know breathe for me and while he's breathing he'll go right bend over

And while he's making me breathe, he'll go take a deep breath and also now feel a cold finger with lube going into my ass And you can hear him fishing in there like looking for a watch And all of a sudden he's like you're okay and after that there's not much you could say Are you okay? It's gonna be a fucking minute Am I okay? You just fucking destroyed my hopes at 9 15 the fucking morning Now I gotta go down the hill and let this bitch take blood out of me Which is now even more mortifying now. I gotta breathe and sit down But who's gonna sit down? I just had a finger up my ass. I can't fucking sit down. It's so embarrassing

So now they take me into another fucking room after that. So I did two tests, right? So now they take blood out So now what I do is I go in there first They usually want to put me in the dungeon next to chest x-rays, but there's no windows in there And it's one of those school fucking chairs. Last time I did that was in prison. I didn't like it I go on the back and there's a fucking cot and I fucking fix it the right way There's a little bit light and shit. There's a sink in there. It's an examination room But it's right adjacent to them and I get on that motherfucker correctly

And I put my iPod on dog and I don't hear nothing And I leave my arm out and I just look the other way And I just leave it there and then she comes in and I'll tell her this and use the kidney Alarm me and spray the liquor cocaine on my arm And she'll say no problem And then she'll come over and she'll go you're gonna be fine And I'll just start breathing out of my nose and I put Santana or a come over And I just keep jam. That's it. That's it. And she'll lift up my arm and dog if she does the tape and I

I'm okay. I gotta get up slow I'll stop and get a can of diet coke to give me a little pepper to my step after that Because the coke is too sweet that'll fucking give me diabetes Right off the chart and then I walked down the hall and they do a chest x-ray And once I'm done I put my clothes and I get the fuck out of that And then I go around the corner of the memies and I get two eggs And I get some toast because I deserve that nourishment. I haven't eaten. I can't eat after midnight tonight So what are you gonna have any at home?

I'm protein shake with no sugar in it because I don't want to raise my sugar levels I can't even put a fucking banana in there fruit. But why don't you you'll be home before midnight? Yeah, it doesn't matter. I could eat before midnight But I don't want to put like anything in my like if I eat a milkshake tonight my sugar level is going to be high Ladies don't make me come in there in two weeks because he thinks I got fucking diabetes And I got to go and then do the whole fucking test over because I want to go hang out with you at North Hollywood Dining and have a vanilla milkshake kind of stuff, which I would kill for right now But my point is I just don't want to do one time. That sounds strong. I didn't fucking think about a milkshake

I'm a bad fat guy. I wanted my trunk to get something right before I'm in the doctor I go hold on one second. I'm in my trunk. This is about a year ago. You know how much I hate needles I went in my fucking trunk. My wife comes down there with me I get out of Bob Hope and she goes did you find that thing? I go hold on left in the trunk And I open the trunk. I go. Oh my god that pot cookies in here and you know me. No, no, no, please don't leave You know how much of a fucking Momo I am without even I can't have a milkshake Listen to me leave. This is at eight in the fucking morning Without realizing it. I take the cookie open it up and take a bite out of the fucking pot cookie

And I go inside and I sit down. I go that fucking cookie is going to raise my blood my sugar level in my blood And sure enough Joey Diaz Jose I go to the fucking thing. They take my blood two days later Who's on the fucking phone dr. Waxler? Listen, you got diabetes. No, I don't I ate a fucking pot cookie before I went in and raised My fucking sugar level he goes. Well, you gotta better come down here and prove it to me I had to go back down there again give him blood again And then he was like, you're right. Don't eat a fucking cookie before you come see me Yeah, so that's why I'm just gonna have a milkshake. They got no sugar in this protein shake I got no carbs. I won't put fruit in it

And I'll just go to bed. My hope is that I sleep till six Or seven that's my big fucking dilemma here tonight I gotta sleep till seven so I don't think about it. If I get up at five, I'm fucked because I gotta eat What's going through your head? like it when like the Taking blood and you pass out like what's going like where you get what like what what part of you makes you nervous Lee, I can't can I just uh kind of answer that because oh, I hate you I don't know what's going through his head, but when it was we were at UFC and I had to hold him the fuck up

Okay, uh, I know what the fuck was going through my head. Coco come back All right, and then he was all right, but he got lightheaded. Oh my god He wiped the kids face And the towel I looked at the towel. Yeah And I focused on the towel and had blood on it like maybe two months maybe Four months before that I was at home watching the UFC and bj penn fought joe whatever And they were fighting he busted his head and that's the most blood I ever saw in my life and I passed it on my couch

And then I go to a ufc and I focus on the the towel And I fucking lost it Lee thank god Ralph was there and there was a chick next to me with huge fake tits He was a doctor. Oh my gosh. She was amazing. That's what fucking happened, brother So, no, but like you said if you wake up early tomorrow, you're gonna like it's gonna worry you like what like what freaks you out Just first off when I don't eat after an hour in the morning I might go somewhere else. I need something a bowl of fucking cereal You know, I'm not gonna eat something shitty But I'll eat like an apple something some water and an apple

Just to wake up and not be able to eat for two hours then go down there And do what I hate the most give blood and the finger of ds a double dilemma And once they put the finger up. Yes, it just jams up your electrodes. Trust me wait till you turn 50 You're gonna think about what I told you for people at home. They don't know what I'm saying They're like joy. What are you talking about? It like jams you up for a minute, especially if that's not your world If that's not your world the first time that I was maybe I was going to testosterone doctor And he was listening. I got bad news. My partner wants to see you. All right I didn't even fucking I want like I take a shit that morning. I wipe my ass

But you know, sometimes you take a shit and leave something in your little muffler And I go to this doctor. He's like coming the back. I got to check you out And I look you're not drawing bloody because none I had to check down. He goes turn around And I remember him putting us too fine. I could hear like the Left over that was in there. I didn't want to look at the glove. They take it out. This guy ripped me apart He he had his finger deep in there. He was looking for shit And I was like, can he find it? I don't know Lee. I almost passed out. I've had that twice. Oh, man I've had that twice and that's not my world people. So please don't think I'm uh

You never had a girl do that to you. No guy. What the hell's wrong with you? I'm a Catholic Yeah, we all find your line now That's your line. It's just It's not a girl or it's not a it's just something it just feels weird It just feels fucking it's the weirdest feeling I ever had like it made me feel weird and I'm prepared for it tomorrow Listen, I get it. Listen. I get my fucking car get on the one on one. I come home and I move on I just want to be able to do shit the rest of the day tomorrow. I don't like fainting in the morning It kind of ruins my fucking day, you know, I didn't do that. Yeah

So let me ask you something though. All of a sudden I know where special pops up On netflix that you taped in vegas. When did you tape this with a fucking hat on like a magician? I taped it as part of a deal with a production company and I uh recorded it at the uh, uh South point casino and spot. It's a fantastic place to go there and um, I uh I put it out and Netflix they saw me in I had it for free. I had it. I had it all done. It was part of a deal I'd host one of their shows and they would give me this and I was like sure no problem and um We did uh, we did the we we had it fully done and then netflix goes. Hey

We we they saw me at the wild west comedy fest in in uh, nashville and they they gave me a big deal And they go for two specials and I go i'll deliver both in november And they're like and it was like a month and a half later and they're going no way and I go I garen fucking tea it and I gave them two at the like by the 15th of december And uh, they they put the uh, unruly out first and then they did a soft On imperfectly yours because they thought it was a smaller Venue, but they like the material

So, you know, I'm just very fortunate netflix is a sponsor on my fall tour. I've got 80 theaters I'm doing across north america and um, I'm coming to a place near you. When do you start the tour? um, coco we start in Uh, it's it's warming up now With a couple club dates like i'm getting the new show down Okay, is what i'm working on right now. Um in san jose uh this week It's kind of a mini theater and so it'll start giving me the feel like and then and then utah I'm there and warming up because I want a fucking a tough audience

And there's a lot of Mormons and jack Mormons come out and i'm controversial and they don't like that shit All right, and then I want to I want to work on my mexican stuff in phoenix and then they all start All over the country. I think I've got monday's off And then there's like a week in october. I'll be back when you'll be back here. Yeah, man Look at you to top fucking magoo out there letting these motherfuckers know. Yeah, man. I gotta finance my fucking car I'm buying a I mean I bought the car what i'm getting i'm making i'm redoing of uh, 67 Uh, gto convertible. All right, and it's gonna be a rocket ship coco And but that costs a lot of fucking money, you know, I mean, so it's like I gotta get my ass out there

It doesn't goddamn jokes. I gotta do something man You're still out there rafi. It's hard to believe we were those same kids at that movie theater fart Oh, so funny giggling. It really is lee. It's a fucking weird thing Well, we always had a hard thing, man I mean how like we said it a thousand times before but It must be crazy like when you have friends like you and maz and and all you guys and you're maybe One out of 20 I guess all of you. I mean, how could you not have fun memories?

You know, Mike Faberman called me today. How long have I known? You know how many fucking laps we had in this back? Oh my god. Oh my god. How many fucking you know that magic shoe box And these comics are still here Yeah, and some of them have disappeared and you go on facebook and you find them or they pop up on somebody's page And you go there you are. Yeah, and then back in Toledo, wherever the fuck they are, but It's this is a weird fucking journey, man. It really I What the fuck knows you just get into something and it takes you to a different place. Who would have fucking known?

I know man If I hadn't had lawn, I wouldn't have got last comic And then I I'd be like everybody else. I'm barely getting by That's all the difference is that's the truth you know, I mean it's it's uh Uh, that's why there's no preenup with me and the jew. Okay, there's nothing. Okay It's it's 50 50 all the way. You know, there's no getting out of it. There's no getting around it. You know, she fucking earned it

Actually, she probably gets 60 40 to me. Okay without her. I would never have been able to do it At least you know that going in that's true. That's true But when you're that honest with things and you give an honest appraisal to where your career is It just baffles you that she's not further along. She's great. Do you know more than anybody? I'm here because of my wife. Yeah, right? We're talking about the other day gay I'm here because of my wife the one tea. I won't throw away that tv The first tv I bought with a 200 dollar tv up and uh after one of those gigs with 500 Up at oxnard or some shit

We stopped at a walmart the tv didn't fit in the fucking backseat the neon It's crazy. I won't get rid of it. I've refused to get rid of it. She's like, you gotta get rid of I ain't getting rid of that thing That thing still fucking plays That thing was the backbone of the organizations. You know, me fucking you know, many episodes are low and all of that thing played for us While we're reading the fucking turkey sandwich with american cheese or something leave you have any fucking idea You just can't give something up like that that that that symbolism to me. I remembered all those things, man I never forgot them. I don't know why and I bet I did forget a lot of those road memories, but man

Did I look out on the fucking road just putting pieces together as a feature act Going up to boston and working for fucking all those clubs nicks nicks and Uh, the grill 57. I was taking buses everywhere. I would go online and catch up. Howloons howloons Fuck yeah, man. Oh my god. I was going up to the Rhode Island Toronto in those days all on a busly All the way down to fucking DC is expressed with a tyson's corner Bethesda Then I shoot down a myrtle beach and then I know atlanta in those days the punchline hated me

so I shoot down a fucking uh The other club hated me in jacksonville The hilton whatever with all you could eat see the ramada in dude. It's the ramada in What is it? It's the comedy zone and it's run by mr. Fred All right, and and every time I go in there. They have a great fucking buffet on friday friday friday night Fucking tremendous All right, and I remember he came in all right and uh said that we had to pay for that And it's like and and I've had fucking eight sold out shows in two days

Okay, and I'm like hey go fuck yourself We're gonna murder this goddamn place and when they brought me the tab. I just said give this to fred That was it and I cracked him right there on the spot still has it still rocking I think it's one of the nicest fucking hotels in ramada's chain. They're fucking great. It's the mandarin Yeah, the mandarin in the mandarin in yes Yeah, and it is it is fucking tremendous and they had a place around the corner after you did the mandarin There was a bar where you went and did karaoke. Yeah, and got blow and got fucked up Stan hope was the king of that fucking king of that bar, man

King of that fucking they still have his picture up with the long hair when he was a fucking baby when he had hope for life All right, when he had a lust for life and wanted to do something inspired to greater things And then I would do I would do one or two coconuts to keep me alive to give me change To get me all the way to miami That's where garbage. Oh my god. I did davie one way me and davie was the name of the club It was fucking wavy and davie. I did it three times and davie was the club your boy owned Dorfman Dorf and he had the fat chick booking it and I was

I call headline. He had two of them. He had west palm Yeah, and he had that one. I called him in the comic corner in 1990s I co-headlined it with Jim Florentino the we hawk in new jersey Yeah, and the comedy condo didn't have a fucking bathroom on the door on the bathroom It was the worst comedy condo and I had to stay with like cousins And they were living like animals like 22 to a bedroom Smart and blow it was tremendous

And then I finally got into the miami improv. Yeah, and then that was joe chadwick joe chadwick He's in cleveland somewhere selling shoes His wife finally died. They got like oh, man. They got like three million dollars. They they got that thing fen fen They sued fen fen and got like three million dollars and went through it in two weeks And then she died and It's weird this comedy stuff is weird when you get into like the people that are still around and who's moved on right? Like whatever happened to mark babbitt He's hotel in it

He's hotel. Let me give him some shout outs. I'm gonna do the sponsors. All right, man loving you All right, my main man major slander shawntath daniel gantt Omar hubby I'm not gonna get through the book yet don wrangler joe v the stefano mark cicero Callie geord sarcastic best and moonspore 85. I love you cocksuckers. All right What's up with you dog? What are you sitting there all hypnotized for like biggie? 95 were you? Did you know he shot something dude with aids blood?

who Fucking um, not biggie fucking. What's his name? Who's the guy that got went over my what my whatever shirt? What the movie? Who who just? Cat williams manager. What's what's his name sugar night sugar night? And he shot something with a aids blood. Where'd you hear this? The paul was talking about the movie. It's like that rapper or something. Oh, yeah Like one of the one of the conspiracy theories is that sugar night did it? I don't know

You know one ever heard about it. I just heard that for the first time. Yeah, you blow in my mind You didn't go see you didn't go see straight out content. Not yet good reviews. I think we're gonna go tomorrow What time you go? I have no idea you're taking paul. Yeah Tomorrow night. Yeah, probably after kettles. Look at you. You're a fucking. I love it. Love that shit. Yeah, what have you heard so far? It's good. People say it's good. Did she see it paul? No, not yet But I'll see it. I saw dope. That was good. Have you seen that yet? No, it was really good What is it about? It was about this like, um this like nerdy black kid in

Englewood And uh, I was I'm really high so I don't remember the rest of it, but it was good It was kind of around the same Like he was like nerdy. I don't know what he was doing. Oh, yeah He he got a bag from a drug dealer and they wanted to get him That's a great story. Yeah, that's that's really that's what happens. Why are you gonna bother me with this shit for I don't know Give me all this fucking

I asked you about straight out comp didn't not fucking Don't all you gotta say is I haven't seen it But then you're like, I don't know about straight out comp them, but I know about the movie dope I saw that It's about a kid who bought a bag of dope and moved on where the fiery bully buys a bag of dope Lee That's all you got from me. You watched the whole fucking movie That's all your highest fuck. Oh You're so fucking crazy

I'm crazy All I asked you you see straight out of comp and did your wife see it? No, not yet. So how does she know about the blood scene? Oh, no, no, no, she was just reading stuff about that. It's not in the movie. So what is she fucking reading for? I don't know people like to read stories. So she read before she went to the movies Yeah, sure. Oh my god. Yeah, you gotta talk. You gotta set it down. It's not about the movie It's about them who gives a fuck you go to she's doing research on the fucking thing. She's an attorney. She hasn't read enough You haven't read enough you're gonna read for fucking the next 20 years You want to read with some fucking movies about they made the movie?

You want to read the book because you want to go to starbucks tell your friend to get the fuck go see the movie and take a shortcut Like the rest of America Want to smoke some more hash? Sure. Why not this fucking hash is tremendous. Ladies and gentlemen Look at that. Why don't you get that from coca? That shit is You dog. We're gonna put it on. I was on tanya. We need a glass We got that cup. That's dirty as fuck They drink wine I forgot to bring I was gonna put on this needle

And we'll hit that motherfucker and then push the glass and take the smoke I wish we had some rave here. We'd put it on top of some rave for making a kid with sandwich Nah, you want me to tell you something? I was doing that for a couple weeks. This hash is too good You could smoke this hash on a little pipe and get fucked up Yeah, we'll hit to expand in your lungs nice like we like we like some expands in this fucking lungs I did I had dabs explained to me and Apparently the beauty isn't bad Like he was saying it's just it gets cooked off. So there's nothing in it. Yeah, it burns so high

So but yeah, I I actually like them and tomorrow's pretty cool I just think that shit's dangerous. Yeah, I can't I would burn my house down Dude, that's what I'm afraid of people are gonna burn their fucking houses down doing that shit man Well, no, but the guy the guy who was there had one that was battery operated and that was apparently even stronger So there's ways to do it, but that's just too much work for me. Yeah, man. I mean you gotta have a torch I mean fucking if I pass out on the head the lighter goes out You know what I mean? It's like what the fuck I gotta I gotta clean up bond water. That's it You know, that's the only problem

And it's like This shit's dangerous. You gotta fucking torch. It's just so crazy how history repeats itself in 1982 I was I just graduated some kid picked me up Steve Vattolanus And he's like I hate your song coke. I got this pimple wants to bite coke He bites coke all day for it's a true story. He bites coke all day for his hookers. Okay Pick us up Steve Vattolanus. He picks us up me rodgin We drive down there and that's the guy who kept saying every time we made a turn he go that was tremendous

Yeah That was tremendous That right turn was tremendous His cocaine was tremendous The view is tremendous. This pimp is tremendous. Everything is pretty nice pimp. Everything was fucking tremendous He was a goofy bottom bitch Tremendous Jackson. We get to the fucking hotel room. He's staying off from tundly Avenue after one nine there I'm 18 we go into this guy's pimp and he's got these hookers and he's like listen

I want the best coke available because I cook it up So I go test this he tested he goes all that shit's like 80 percent whatever I'll buy what you got he bought because you want to take a hit of the shit took a hit of it Was I impressed guys? It took me eight months to get high on coke That's how much of a fiend that was for eight months. I thought people were lying to me I thought people were putting me on I would do cove and nothing would happen to me And everybody else would be fucking this is great and I'd be sitting there going oh jesus

These fucking saps are paying $50 just to tell people they're getting high but then I did something I had a drink one night And once I had the alcohol on my system of coke hit me and I was like oh I get it now. I got to drink a little vodka to get this fucking cocaine flowing I don't remember when that story started me neither. Who gives a fuck that's it. I love it. That's the best thing about so I don't even know Why you gotta laugh like that for it sounds like Look at the shape of this poor bastard

What's your wife making a turkey sandwich? Oh, there's no fucking turkey. Oh my god. If I want a turkey sandwich I'll marry a chick named mary I'm married to chicken. I don't keep carnious out at my house Tell the fucking walk over the routes and get your nice little fucking pig leg and Cook that motherfucker up with some garlic. So when the master gets home Are you not the master or what? What the fuck? You don't put a cape on and tell her you're the master disaster Walk around with your dick out and tell her I don't give a fuck if you're the attorney. I'm the law. You know what I'm saying I don't you got to represent yourself out of sucking this mule

I'm here to do bro. I don't say that shit. I like all my stuff player You're so fun to hang out with I'm proud of lee for going to Toronto and taking the chance good for you You know man, you and I have discussed hard for years and it bothers you more than it bothers me People that complain but at the end take me on the road. How many times you go out for spots this week? Right, but they just went specifically to the comedy club that night to talk to you Right, how bad their life was for you to take them on the fucking road with them But in the meantime, they don't want to do nothing. They don't want to fucking tape a five minute side of a pizza place

They don't want to do a podcast They don't want to do this room because the owner's an asshole and they they don't want to do it for 50 bucks You're fucking dying on a vine when you're dying on a vine You do whatever they put in front of you because you know your talent is the only one that's going to gain Yeah, when I lived in Seattle that one woman laura crocker god fucking bless her soul in hell fucking Didn't like me But she had 30 rooms. She was josh wolf's manager. Yeah, she had 30 fucking rooms guys And good rooms, so I would just call up and go do you mind if I do a guest in your room?

What's she gonna say? She'd go yeah, and I go down and do a guest that blow up the room and the owner will go Why don't you work this room? I tell him Laura don't like me And and for months I did this and people go why you such an asshole you're doing this for free You should at least begin with 50 bucks and I go you don't understand. This is what I do I'm gonna get into an argument over 50 bucks I'll go to another spot after this and now I got two spots for the night

Which is the goal of this? That's the goal when you're first starting out to get two or three spots tonight Then you can really judge your fucking material and see what the fuck's going on. You learn that much quicker, you know That's what you have to do. That's what you have to fucking do. So There's no getting around it There's no fucking shortcut to the fucking top of the mountain You can put out as many goddamn vines as you want You can fucking tweet all day long and have the fucking night and guess what?

You still have to fucking get behind the microphone in front of live motherfuckers and fucking have new jokes So many young comics they fucking they write their first five minutes And then they that they've never done before and then they never do that again for another six Seven eight years do they start going up with jokes that they that that they've never done before Here's here's five new minutes and it's like they don't have balls. They get afraid. They're gonna lose something They're not gonna be funny if they don't it's fucking bullshit. You know, I mean these guys You know, you know that kid, um, uh, matt rife. He's like 19 He's on that show wild and out now and he's he's a good comic. Okay. He's not fucking great

But he is good. All right. I met that kid when he was 16 in fucking, ohio He was hitting me up six seven times a day on twitter facebook everything Asking for a fucking guest spot on my fucking theater show and I'm like, I don't know about this And then the motherfucker showed up at my bus at fucking eight in the morning with breakfast His mom brought fucking lemonade. I'm like, fuck. Yeah, kid. You're going up. This is fucking hard This is some kid that wants to perform I put him up and he rocked the motherfucker blew it up And and now he's doing tv

But it's that heart that initial fucking nothing can stop me from making my goals happen Okay, that is something that all these fucking Of the bullshit young comics. They're just waiting for stuff to come to them I saw a lot of old That have popped back up and they're like, listen, can you do this and you sit there and go where have you been for eight years? Right, you just stopped you gave up you didn't keep going up three times a week I understand you had to get a day job. Yeah, but you didn't maintain this art This is what you did for eight years. You had a big investment in this

Think about if you were to put another eight years into it where you would have been right now Where you were the fucking been right now? Why do you think I buggy about the jiu-jitsu? Do you think I'm buggy because I like bugging you because john budd said you're great. You move great He goes all he needs to lose is 40 pounds He goes if Lee keeps coming once a week He's gonna lose that 40 pounds and I know that in a year you're gonna look at me and go, you know what? I'm happy. I got friends now over there. They call me up. They invite me to fucking parties I'm not the fucking odd man out because people gain respect for you in a way

You know, you keep fucking going over there Doesn't matter the same thing applies to comedy or editing or any of those fucking things That if you wouldn't have stopped doing it at this time, you would have been in five more years Right. So at this point you would have been doing comedy 10 years But you came out here went to Montreal got a deal The deal didn't work out and you caved A lot of people did that a lot of people fucking did that. That's 50% of the game

Once they tell them all you need is three minutes five minutes go to montreal But I first got here with Ralphie May guys. They were giving out major Fucking deals check, you know what it is to sit with somebody leave that you and him were broke and now The word on the street was he had 250 thousand dollars for a network deal and yeah They give you particles and bro. They still give you 75 fucking up front And you're you're still fucking eating fucking cheese grills. Whatever. Yeah grilled cheese. I'm sorry cheese grill I got this next year Uh, you know, it's just that dude feel bad. How about how about uh the the story of fucking chicken?

All right, this kid Goes up in montreal Blows the fucking place apart. He gets 750k. Okay All right, and and his management three arts say he had a bunch of more shows and they're like Fucking get out of here All right, and they flew him back on a private jet to la and said you can't do any spots Because they wanted the deal fucking made official because they were afraid the motherfucker was a hologram Which he was it was the fucking it was crazy google it

All right, fucking show up chicken. All right, and then the guy like three or four years later commits suicide You know, it's like he had no reason he that guy was hiring him to do movies I know so what the standup got him to where he wanted exactly, but he stopped You know that was the last big deal. I think bunch of y'all gave out. But now he did black walk down. Yeah, he did He was great. He did a couple fucking movies with that director He got plenty of states time in black walk down. I don't know what he was depressed about I don't know what he was depressed about. What was he depressed? Now? He wasn't the only one there was a bunch of comics not that they killed themselves

But that they kind of did left. I still remember a kid that looked just like christopher fucking read That came from fucking somewhereville Good-looking as fuck Six foot one. I mean leading man material buff Not real buff, but that model body guy was getting laughs at the improv the laugh factory was getting laughs And then they set up a showcase from one night In the main room of the comedy store and dice decided to bump the guy in front of him So dice went up and ripped that room apart

And this poor kid went up there and died the death of many deaths And I still remember his management walking out first And that kid wasn't a tonight show and shit like that. I never saw him again Never saw him again. There was a kid when I got here that was hotter than death He had done the tonight show and Leno like two weeks apart something fucking crazy. I remember going into the improv. He had five people around him He was eating them. They were toasting them. I remember spotting them going. Oh my god. That's the guy I was like in all of them

Well, guess what? I saw that bitch maybe five years ago at the YMCA with a fucking kid And I went over and I'm like, hey man, I remember you and what are you doing? Like was I right on the show? Uh, I haven't done stand-up in years. There are a bunch of fucking thieves out there, you know Just a typical guy that gave up in his mind That if he were stuck with it today He would have done something at least you fucking did something with it You're already in eight nine years in what the fuck are you gonna do now? Yeah, I mean you you've already gotten tv

You've already you've already beaten 99 People you can't quit now You know how many fucking goals I gave myself when I got here. I used to give myself goals I'm gonna go back to colorado and try to be a bro. How about this one. Um, I'm gonna do a movie with Robert De Niro I'm gonna do a movie without Pacino. I'm gonna do a movie with Adam Sandler. Who's that that's you You wrote it in my fucking in my apartment. You wrote your goals down. I remember it You called it in fucking what was it 2000?

In 2000 you called it and within it took you for what Adam Sandler? What year was that? 2004 four years for Adam Sandler. Okay, and then then the other movie you did with De Niro and fucking Pacino What was that one the the rinked or the the the the all guys are mad. Yeah, grudge match All right, and you got all those fucking goals down. I've never fucking seen anybody do that I've that that's fucking amazing We Coco did not have a fucking house. He was sleeping on my fucking floor or when when fucking Johnny West was being a fucking shithead. Okay, Coco would lay on the goddamn floor And Johnny West was out banging chicks or fucking doing gigs. Coco had the futon. All right

He blew up my toilet fucking take three showers a day. I had the futon. That's right We'd send John to El Paso And it was hot. We couldn't sleep. So we turned on Joey Medina's fucking cassette I mean his cd and fucking we were out before the like three joke line It was the cure for insomnia. God bless. I still remember being in colorado In 94 and going home at night. There was a comedy newspaper that Run by the people in san francisco john fox And i'm in the back. They had all the comedy club listed in states

And there was five pages down the comedy clubs. Yeah, man. I would sit there at night It was a magazine called just for laughs, right? Just for laughs and I would Yellow, you know, when you yeah, lee wake up. I'm up. I'm up. I would highlight I would highlight all the clubs I wanted to work at and I would cry and go. I'm never gonna make it. This is like a fucking eggbees I remember saying yeah, man And the punchlines were all over the punch lines And then my buddy Todd Jordan took me to walnut creek

To do 10 minutes in front of him and I ate at that two shows I'll never forget I had doubts that fucking plane ride home. That was not for me boy I remember that turn of event, but we stuck it out. So you and san jose this weekend. Yes, sir So starting thursday, yes, friday two saturday one sunday. No sunday just thursday friday saturday Where you go next week? Um, i'm gonna be back here of sunday morning I'd love to have you guys come to barbecue. We'll go swim with the pool. The pool is tremendous All right, and it'd be so much fun We can go have brunch over there and then I'll have barbecue ready for us at the house

It'll be a good time. I want us to get that baby in the pool with us. She'll have a blast Um, but that's what I want to do on sunday. It's the lowest day. Let's relax and then, um, uh, Then the week after that. I'm in uh, salt lake city Uh, and then back on that sunday and then, uh, I'm going to be in uh, phoenix, arizona stand up life So that's the warm-up for the tour. It's all gonna work I love her. Let me see her Oh me, huh? Oh, yeah, she's swimming. Yeah, baby. She's a swimmer. Look at that swimming jack She's a fish. That's the real deal. That's the real deal. I love it. She's at that pool in bradugo

With fucking young adult swimming kicking. I love it. People my wife don't even run out there Fucking deep end She's amazing. Oh my goodness. Isn't that amazing? That's fucking crazy. Look at her. She was barely fucking walking Now she's in the pool on her back She's on her back. Look I couldn't see that Holy shit. She don't fuck around. That's what she's been doing since she was six months old. How old is she now, cucko? She's two and a half. Two and a half

She's my fucking bodyguard. I can't shake it Good for you, man. No, I'm I'm so happy for you Hey, as usual my main motherfuckers on it go to honor.com for the best I mean the best I read an article the other day that had on it in there like Towards macro nutrients. I mean, that's how fucking good. I was blown away and I'll tell you what the staple the mac daddy Alpha brain 100 guaranteed complete earth grown new tropics We ain't fucking around or your brain cells will be cooking on all cylinders

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Go to hitty six dot com and press in joey's church joey's church and get five for 50 Chink where you get five e-sigs and get a cigar Get the zero eight sixteen and twenty fourths and you get quit off your fucking cigarette habit Number three. My main motherfuckers nailed it life.com always there for you Fucking whether you want to dab blow yourself up Whether you want the gummies or mono whether you want the best vapor pen in the business That's what they do nailed nailed it life Pete and fucking Dave don't fuck around so do me a favor go to nailed it life.com

Look at that great selection of vapor pens 100 guarantee. In fact, they got the vapor pen 20% off right now. If you press in joey's 20% off. It's 50. You get it for fucking 40. You got a problem. You call Dave your fucking pieces there No, it's and butts about it. That's why we work with them. That's why we're family. All right Don't forget to go see Ralphie May next week in san jose And uh the flying ju I love them with all your heart. We'll be back wednesday afternoon at three o'clock Stay black cocksuckers. You're gonna play Fuck it Fuck yeah, man. Thank you for coming on Ralphie. Man. I love you coco. Thank you for having me

I'm sorry fans. If I was rude. I'm kind of high. I apologize. You're speaking your mind I love you, man. It's like feel like I'm talking at the kitchen table. I forget this is your show My apologies brother. No disrespect. No, no disrespect at all. You never apologize. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, but you're you're my brother. I don't want to fucking short you down I know Man, how hot is that jennifer garner? What has that been a flick thinking? Did you see that fucking? Oh my god. I know she was really hot. Yeah, she's really hot She ain't that shit. Schwarzenegger a guy with oh, jeez. I'll tell you that fucking christ

Okay, that thing was brutal. You see that? No. Oh lord jesus Look like coco with a wig on Oh That fucking Schwarzenegger made. Oh, she's ugly. It's a fucking brutal Got my tits though. So, you know, they all lost on that note This show is brought to you by honet.com Go to honet.com and use covert church to get 10 off. Wait. Do you say your website?

Uh, I'm a Ralphie may dot com and uh follow me guys on uh twitter. I'm at Ralphie underscore may It's really me. I'm sorry if you're mad. I love you anyways Thanks for having me here You know that you don't know when we were fucking high and you're living with me. You're like Ralphie may You're gonna be the fucking deacon of the church of what's happening now So I feel like it's always good to come back to the church. You know what I'm saying? I imagine No, man, I love you. I love that you're back in a monday night fucking around We got high and that's it. That's how we do it here. No editing. Just straight up. What are you gonna do?

We love you cocksuckers. Lee read the final All right, go to honet.com and use covert church to get 10 off all their great optimization. You got highway to hell Yes Go to honet.com and use covert church 10 off all their great optimization products Go to hit e6.com and use code word joey's church to get five hit e6 for 50 dollars Hit e6 better tasting longer lasting and the proof is in the vape And go to now life.com and use covert joey ds to get 20 percent off the premiere rate No, man, you're going to be calm not to break through your nose. You'll be fine

I'll spray my nose with afro and this shit Yeah, clear it up open it up I finish up here. We're done Hey, I talked to uh, jimmy schuber the other day. He told me to tell you hello Living easy living free Season taken on the wrong way right Asking nothing Leave me be

Take your never carry in my spine Don't be reasoned Don't be right Ain't nothing I'd rather do Going down For the time My friends are gonna be there too I'm on the highway to hell

On the highway to hell Highway to hell I'm on the highway to hell No stop signs, speed limit Nobody's gonna slow me down Like a wheel, gonna spin it Nobody's gonna mess me around Hey, station, hey, my juice

Hey, I'm in a rocking band Hey, mama, look at me I'm on the way to the promised land I'm on the highway to hell Highway to hell I'm on the highway to hell Highway to hell Don't stop me

I'm on the highway to hell On the highway to hell Highway to hell Highway to hell On the highway to hell Highway to hell Highway to hell I don't know how

Highway to hell Highway to hell Highway to hell And I'm going down I'm on the way On the highway to hell