Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #312 - Matt Fulchiron

Episode Date: August 28, 2015

Matt Fulchiron, Comedian, and Host of the "Full Charge Power Hour" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio.   This podcast is brought to you by:   Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/joey to get your first two meals free   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   
NatureBox. Visit naturebox.com/joey for a free trial box.   MeUndies.com Go to meundies.com/joey for 20% off.   Recorded live on 08/27/2015.
   Music:
 One Of These Nights - The EaglesRooster - Alice In Chains

what is that these things you fucking mix this with some math yeah i got about you do a couple lines you slot these things this show is brought to you by naturebox.com go to naturebox.com slash joey and you're going to get your first box of nature box snacks on them naturebox.com slash joey and only if you act faxed they have great snacks barbecue kettle kernels go to naturebox.com slash joey and you get your first box of nature box snacks on them so it's also brought to you by me undies.com go to me undies.com slash joey and get 20% off on your first order of men's and women's underwear they have t-shirts socks sweatpants you get your 20% off of your first order and they give you free shipping in the united states in canada and go to onnet.com and use code word

church to get 10% off all the great optimization products alpha brain new mood shroom tech immune shroom tech sport it's code word church to get 10% off just like that don felder smoothing a motherfucker back in the mid 70s here you go the album before this is like very countryish right they were cowboys on the cover this motherfucker joined yeah yeah crack that leak oh shit oh shit get it you're gonna suck it pretty mama oh shit the church of what's happening now

thursday kick that leak august 27th the day the devil was molested oh hey look at me getting all fucked up there this feeling is 3 000 milligrams it's down to like a thousand two you think we're you probably did 500 each of the boss two episodes yeah we did 500 on monday for sure oh well you did way over 500 with those right i was laughing at that poor guy's face what's going on my brother everything man always a pleasure to have more full matt full tron on

to celebrate his new fucking car it's over yeah last time he was here i didn't know if you had a car or not you made me feel bad oh you know don't feel bad there was always a chrysler 300c coming in the future i never felt bad about it you know i could tell other i was in this town without a car for like a year and a half it was i was telling you guys i came out in 84 and i wanted to work a buddy of mine said i get a job working for the phone company and i came here and i got directions and the guys like yeah you you take the bus downtown then you get a transfer and go up to pico and whatever once he said transfer i was like i'll take one bus but right once you get involved in two or three transfers and i didn't want to that was

based on your east coast knowledge imagine you didn't even realize that west coast transportation or at least la transportation is shit well i knew at 19 i had traveled and i remember going to arizona i remember going i remember going to tempe to visit a buddy of mine from high school i went to miami growing up yeah you know growing up all those years but then as an adult i went to miami like 18 19 and that was another place it was too complicated northeast southwest fuck you i know straight up you know i'm saying give it to me in streets broadway right uh amsterdam fucking whatever whatever whatever first avenue second avenue house miami i gotta have a fucking compass right i gotta be a boy scout with a fucking scarf and you know northwest southeast so i knew that wasn't

for me i knew that wasn't gonna work it take me a year to get accustomed to all the directions and then i came out here to visit my uncle i went to the beef with him and it was too spread out yeah this is this little train saves a lot of people but i gotta tell you something that fucking train petrifies the shit out of me the underground just one here in LA yeah and i don't give it for what they tell you it's got springs if there's an earthquake listen there's an earthquake the door's locking you're stuck with just so much fucking air no you're dead down there do you think so i'm pretty sure if you get stuck down there there's no cell phone coverage down there and there's no fucking security either the place is kind of a risk and there's people right now that in

the next couple of days we'll be sitting on the train listening to this podcast going what the fuck is this guy spooking me out right now i know i smoked a joint on the way here i was always i didn't know what to expect when i got on a new york train you know i knew i was gonna have a fun time since i was a kid i knew i always had a fun time on the train but it's different i think especially east coast because boston has a train too and people know how to behave like every once in a while you'll get a crazy person but like if the train stops people just mind their business paul was on the train here and it would stop for like five minutes and people were opening the doors in the middle like they were just gonna get out and walk on the tracks

like and i was like what are you talking about she's like yeah they were just they were sick of waiting i was like that's not what happens when a train stops no i think they're just not used to it out here yet they're used to it when a fucking crashes into them after it starts back up that's ridiculous walk on that big rail something about being a young man and taking the train up to harlem to cop weed or drugs or put a bet in or whatever stupidity i used to do as a young man yeah i really dug it i really gave me a sense that i was an adult you know running the train when i was 15 and 14 i knew the a train it was broadway all the way down you can't miss that's the only train a couple trains to yankee stadium that bronx train yeah i didn't go

to yankees i just knew that train right a couple i used to take a train to you could take a train to uh kennedy they used to they made a big add the train to the plane and then had a i've taken a train to kennedy sure and you get to train to the mech games okay right to the fucking mech game like embossed and i'm sure that the metro goes whatever do you remember the first time you took the train by yourself if i'm all right so i moved to jersey when i was 10 and i gotta tell you it had to be before that definitely i probably took a train from like i didn't tell my mother you know i didn't tell my mother because i used to always go up to 143rd and you know in those days if you only get music you had to go to like 100th street or 130th you know so you always had to walk but

if you get a token in those days we jump the rail yeah that's of course you go under the rail sure enough yeah hop it turns yeah i had to be under 10 the first time it's uh it's fun especially especially when i grew up in boston it's not like new york or jersey where it's like right there like you had to get dropped off it was like a 30 minute ride to the train it's it's a lot of fun it's freeing like especially in that big of a city like as soon as you get on the train it's all open and let me tell you something that jersey new york train is not a bad train for people who don't know at that point right i've taken it now i'm not don't quote me on this i know 10 years ago when i was on the road full time i took a thousand trains out of penn station yeah i think it was

penn station at the end of every train there's a bar like uh before you get on the train uh and you get like a drink right a bloody marry of like a tonic whatever the fuck you're drinking that day and you get a newspaper or soda you know for people who drink i would just be stoned with a fucking uh none of my pie this is walkman days i'm a old school walkman but i've taken the train from the jersey show all the way to hope balkman to new york that's not a bad train right and i heard the train and i got to be on i heard the train from alea san diego isn't bad i thought lead did it i haven't done it yet but it's really expensive like it's getting up there to like 40 50 bucks each way each way so at that point it's not even worth it well when you consider gas and

the traffic you're gonna sit in that's true i guess full charge is calling it worth it san diego to san diego is a shit drive it's a shit drive and lee tell tell the boy how long did it take us to get back that night just leaves my way tell the boy probably under an hour and a half like right around there i would guess yeah after midnight you run that fucking right and i totally leave it's gonna be between 90 and 100 the whole way right pad yeah yeah he thought it was fucking around i got him down on the come home uh-huh that daytime drive just blow my brother got delayed yesterday at the airport called me and said you know what i'm starting to think you're right but taking the first flight out joe rogan got stuck yesterday four hour delay and lax that two

o'clock flight that those two o'clock flights yeah torture yeah always till five let me tell you something you get delayed from two to five at lax yeah you get passed it's awful my boy he bailed he got his luggage it's something about getting stuck at lax when they come to you go four hours there's nothing i could do if i call lee my fucking goomba and said come get me it's not taking 40 minutes to come get me oh yeah and what are we gonna do what the fuck are we gonna do and then when you don't call them and the flight's delayed again now you're a statement yeah you're a statement now you're like what the fuck yeah 10 minutes from my house and they won't tell like i got delayed a little bit coming back from boston and the app told me which flight was coming in

to get me and it was like there was like those uh hurricanes on the east coast i was worried all week but then like it was like an hour and a half late coming from chicago on a fine night but then they won't tell you anything and and they just said it's just terrible but it's the the issue with the early morning flight is when you're booking when you see seven in the morning you just don't want to be up at four in the morning that you need you need to have something where people if they if they try to click at your face pops will be like take the early morning flight listen man this is my psychology on this point though okay all right so i gotta go to teledo yeah all right this is the decision i'm making right now i gotta go to fucking teledo it's a friday saturday room

do you ever do it never done supposedly really cool it's a friday saturday room they want me in for thursday night press i got a couple options but the viable option is leaving here at two o'clock for me to leave here at two o'clock what time do i gotta be there one o'clock you know what kind of driving that is i'm a fucking 405 so the dilemma i have is you know what because i'm never here thursday anyway i'm just gonna take the six a.m because i'd rather fucking it's gonna take me three hours to do this when the six a.m i gotta be there at five that's a fucking that's a playground for uncle joey yeah i get in the h o v like a motherfucker and i fucking uh i put the baby seat up they think they're like a little baby in the back and there was no traffic at you know four

a.m 4 30 it's 30 minutes i rather do 30 that 30 minute sentence than do that sentence i gotta leave my house 11 30 be done at one o'clock and it ain't delayed that much in the morning it's never delayed not the first one either you'll get a text that'll say hey boom if i wake up and there's a text from american airlines or there's a problem oh i got upgraded you know what i'm saying i got upgraded to the upgrade like a motherfucker either a problem more solution oh a solution coming at you but you do you ever get because whenever i'm going to lax i always leave more than an hour because sometimes that that uh security lines out the door at lax but you usually go through the even when you're not in prior in priority so like you just walk through even when i'm not in priority

i'm in priority you understand me because you got to make yourself a priority because by the time you get up there what are you gonna say get out of the line right no they're not give me your idea what are you talking about yeah what are you talking the lady told me to come in here what are you and you start raising your all right all right and boom you're going that's southwest thing where they have the players club and they have like fucking muts when you look and there's 10,000 muts and there's three players yeah really really you got on the play line you don't know that but you're there every week you never worried you're gonna get like found out you don't know nothing i don't know what are you talking about me last week i haven't been to this airport in 10 fucking years

i was talking to tom sagora and he said the first time he met you you had just been on a plane and we're fighting with somebody in the seat in front of you columbus and i'm kind of in those days you know i have fucking an ounce of weed yeah i didn't think i could leave la oh i would leave for four days with an ounce got the billy i cut short one day that was a different joey that's when that's when rogan shot the special in columbus uh and i got on this plane and here's the funny thing i saw that guy a year later on a flight to columbus he's some hollywood guy he's a hollywood guy right not an actor he's like a producer a director and these guys they leave la and they don't get they they still have that uh title entitlement

and well i was listen man i'll tell you when i'm a fucking cunt i was a gentleman to this guy right i asked him nicely and he looked at me and turned his head so i pushed the seat up and then he ran out and got to store this on his side yeah i'm a nice guy so when i got there the cops were waiting for me uh and i told the cops the truth i said listen i fly all the fucking time i'm working for the uc you know yeah what the fuck and they're like okay you know misunderstanding guess what a year later i'm sitting in fucking first class on this side yeah and he's got an hour and i got an hour so he's in one yeah e and i'm in one d right right right across yeah every time he looked at me i give him like the fuck i would dig him in the whole flight do you recognize you oh yeah come on what

happened god fuck yeah you're not gonna forget joey d is no that's mad flavor and he pissed me off because nothing all he had to do was turn on the arms the chair was broken right sometimes you put your chair back and it's fucking broken yeah and he knew it this is what pissed me off he even turned around and looked at it and was trying to pull it up himself mm-hmm so when i just said to mate just pull it up a little bit more this will work out he got country he got all of a sudden he was like i'm not fucking turning around yeah that's the second the one time and then newark i had it out with some germans or some austrians they told me to shut my phone remember though you know there's people who actually believe you gotta shut your phone off right let me trick you uh the pilot says

there's three phones still on you like oh my god he don't know you fucking dummy if he knew what seat am i in bitch right call the seat motherfucker he's just playing with you yeah of course but you you're a pussy you watch csi and believe it right they found the hair and the window they didn't know they didn't find no fucking hair they just profiled your ass 22 fucking heads and each test is ten thousand dollars yeah they're gonna after three heads they're gonna go they're all the same as they belong to the chinese guy yeah this ain't no fucking polaroid man i i leave my phone on now like i i try to get because i have a buddy's dad who flies every week and when he told me it says that those like go go those all those things are going off of sell you the towers so everyone's

on a flight now i'll just check to see if i can get 3g and i've gotten it before like on the flight back from boston i was able to check the map and see where we were because the plane was like 20 years old and didn't have the little maps and no planes ever gone down and they're like it was a cell phone well private jets you don't see private jet saying you can't use your phones i'm sure like what's the difference they don't you're right i know i've never flown on one but i i'm assuming they're not telling beyond say you can't use well i have lee and it's fine you've flown on a private jet yeah what is it like i'm the full charge man so you don't fuck over there it's like flying in commercial except way way way way better security still bitch though psych no security no security

no security nothing you come on looking like fucking rambo no shirt you feel like a bazooka a knife yeah and you feel like in your you're in led zeppelin you flew in private show me one time what is it like what i just said it just depends the situation it just must be and i'm sure it gets old after a while but just not have like just just even being on a private jet even if it was packed with 30 people i'd be like that's pretty cool when i got the longest yard they called me and said i got it congratulations this is your deal we don't know the start due date they hung up the phone within two hours they called back and we go okay okay are you available uh tuesday at 10 a.m yeah okay uh table read at sonny all right

then i didn't hear from the whole weekend then tuesday monday they called me like hey i'm gonna ask you a question are you available to leave tuesday after the table read and i'm like yeah where we're going and they kept going sfo so for three days i'm like i'm going to training camp in san francisco because like you got to go training camp and blah blah blah and blah blah blah and blah okay tuesday morning i wake up and they're like be packed you know like you're going away for a while right okay bring everything you need bring prescriptions blah blah blah i'm like okay bring your weed all right bro i had listen to what i had guys when i booked the longest yard between me and my wife yeah i had a 20 dollar bill

and a half a pack of marble lights and i had maybe a joint to have yeah and i didn't know what was gonna happen right i went to the store on the corner i got fives i tipped a limo driver 10 bucks yeah when i got to adam sandler productions i had 10 bucks yeah 12 cigarettes and a joint to have yeah and when and now we pull the limo pulls up in front of my house i kiss my wife i don't like kiss the cats there was no kid i get in there right now the whole time i'm assuming lax right yeah what do i fucking know guy picks us up takes us to the fucking sony studios we go up to stick i get there i don't say i was outside with shorts a t-shirt a backwards hat on and a fucking guinea t-shirt like an orange guinea t-shirt yeah carrying people's luggage right so right

now all this shit is happening to me okay all this shit is happening to me i'm like this isn't happening right he's like come on joey let me know i love your stomach and he's telling me on the walk this is the first day i really meet him yeah i love my stomach because his father had a stomach like this right he just died and he goes so during the filming i'm gonna rub your stomach for good luck i used to sit in my dad's stomach i don't know what the fuck is he talking about it's like the first thing he's saying i don't give a fuck really he's carrying my fucking luggage yes we walk into a room it's like a fucking three room with a long table like congress and different people are scattered and i see burt reynolds and i see you know turley the guy who played turley the indian i don't know

who the fuck he is and i see romanoski and i'm like oh yeah and i see michael ervin and i knew michael ervin from the best damn sport show he's like yeah what's going on and so now i had a home now people like all right this guy's cool he knows michael ervin and the middle of all this i looked and there's a little tiny guy at the table and it's that dude warry hers yeah i'm right there that's it that who gives a fuck god could have been in a room this is the guy that for warriors for warriors yeah and i'm like this isn't happening and they're like before the table read they're catering it and i mean chickens and prime ribs with lights and a hat a guy with a hat kind of for you and you're like if they only knew i was a felon and that i robbed people 10 years ago yeah they only knew right and they tell

me if i want and then what's her name walks in the only woman in the movie there was two corner clocks no the one who played the prison guard the whole lady that was her comeback guys the fucking old lady that's in uh the show on fox now she's been on she's been around for 80 fucking years not betzy white but the other one betty white whatever her name is i don't know i'll look it up and once i saw her i thought i knew it was real right we did the table read she gets up she moons everybody in the room she does and she walks out to a standing ovation that's it it's on right and also nine goes calm down for one second i'm giving you your assignments there's gonna be cars outside floris leachman floris leachman moves the whole fucking room with boys that's the only

woman in the room so now we finish them like what what now and they're like okay this what's gonna happen we're gonna there's gonna be cars outside your luggage gonna be carried to that car get in the car you're gonna be taken to the airport and i was on the way down i go fuck we're gonna lax 12 o'clock and they're like lax shit this isn't that i'm sam a movie you're going to van eyes amp absolutely oh i'm like oh my god and my heart's beating and i'm thinking about la bomba yeah my first big movie i'm gonna die my plane's gonna go down yeah and when i get there the plane i flew was me the indian nick tutorial and i think it was one of the wrestlers that was my first experience yeah in a four-man plane

never ever have i been i thought i was gonna get sick right i was really ashamed that oh my god oh my god i'm gonna get fucking sick in this fucking plane well you thought you're gonna puke yeah i thought because it happened to you a lot uh no but when i was a kid on commuter flights like when we go to port urico you land in san juan and i take a little plane somewhere else yeah oh my god barfing everywhere oh okay now how many little how many private planes have you been on um that's a good you know maybe somewhere close to eight damn i think and they have like a waitress up there with fucking it wasn't that elaborate it wasn't that elaborate and luxurious but you know they offer you snacks and stuff yeah now that you mentioned it there was a on a cross-country

flight there was a hey do you want something to eat yeah and they're making sandwiches and stuff yeah you're right joe yeah yeah yeah because my friend flies and he goes that what they do is it's not really that expensive that sometimes if you there's some way that you go to they have a sign up by the van israel part used to live up there it's like something like 20 grand from here in new york so if you're gonna if like you have a big company where you're gonna pay first class for a bunch of like businessmen it could be pretty worth it if you're gonna bring enough people yeah true 20 grand there and back that means listen uh to get a first class ticket to new york it's two grand right yeah every time i look at new york i just look at the cheap flights

but i look at $3,500 flights to yeah to kennedy from lax to to walk into that special terminal you know american has like a special terminal you walk into yeah and they give you orange juice and they throw peanuts at you and they have a harmonica and guy and the guy's barefoot and he's singing Natalie portman songs and you think i'm fucking kidding you and then they take you up to uh special elevator a lot of people don't know that about american that's how jarogan flies yeah he fucking that so he his plane got stuck about a month ago in miami there was hurricanes and shit and he had to come home that didn't rent to the private plane yeah so he took the he goes he went and got a steak at the best steak house in miami and they fire him and the kids he goes the

kids loved it yeah make the best of it if you get stuck in miami just get a private plane just get a key i always tell people this yeah i get some cocaine fucking private planes and drive around in circles there's no there's no dog sniffing at the private plane i've watched uh the 70s on cnn and they were talking about all this shit did you watch that no i have a series of this now next is the 80s tom x produces it very fucking strong it cuts through the chase right on the episode i watched the 70s they told him on music and how the united states and england and all of a sudden the guy goes we just did a poll in england and the Beatles are not the number one band the number one band uh and the guys like fumbling the lead zeppelin and all of a sudden and they just playing and

they showing like a a collage of all their music and they go by the time but these guys landed in 1969 by 73 they had the same plane nixon was touring with a fireplace uh 20-foot bar and something else in there a fucking fireplace and a couple 14-year-old girls let's face it it was led no no jimmy page was this and he was a prick that oh yeah he just had someone on the internet uh months ago about people who were disgusting people that you'll never know and the story by jimmy page was he kidnapped a 14-year-old Jesus and dragged her across the country you know i'd fucking pistol whip there and shit and yeah yeah yeah that's crazy and these guys are famous for putting a big fish in somebody's vagina too you know that right i like a baby shark a baby shark

listen want a whole lot of love listen man you know in 1973 we did two billion dollars in music ticket sales wow that was led zeppelin the stones the who you know you name it everybody was on the road right john right on john was killing it in 1973 yeah he was the michael fucking jackson the jackson's right he wrote the book everybody else followed his fucking lead in 73 did you know are people crazier now or is it just with social media it's more in our face what do you mean crazier just like that sort of shit like dragging a 14-year-old across the country and now like the jarred focal thing happens it's just like i'd say there might be more crazy back then you weren't gonna get caught well all right here's the deal for you to find out unless

20 people got machined under the fucking head yeah at a concert the night before you didn't know what happened until three days right okay so let's pretend led zeppelin played in new york on monday whatever today there's camera people there the reporters there and there was always one guy that doesn't get enough drugs or something that's going to go on this line and say look at jimmy page is traveling with a 14-year-old fucking girl you could do that now and get busted out yeah back then nobody gave a fuck right even if they did know did you see led zeppelin's manager you ever see this man is the same yeah yeah he's cursing calling people cunts in new york yeah i'm kidding you it's the best it's the best it's the fucking best when he finds out that because what the mafia was

doing was taking the led zeppelin's shirts in the night before and printing a thousand like they'd send li li go to the concert and fucking boston tonight and go get a t-shirt this is how fast they work in those days oh and you went to boston and got a t-shirt okay and then you came and you printed a thousand of those fucking things they were just straight up copy the shirts okay so now all these shirts are copper red and the feds and everything's beautiful only one thing i'm the floor manager so now you he comes to me and says listen it's led zeppelin gonna be there five nights let's put two guys a night in there so what we do is we set up our own booth there's fucking i don't know how many floors of masters where i go i don't know how many people

selling shit you just sell up your own fucking booth right and they ain't gonna catch them till somebody comes over and says hey let me see your license and registration and you're gonna go hold on it's right here and put a hundred in their hand they're gonna keep fucking walking on those days so you just made you know and here's the beauty they're not costing you ten dollars i'm selling them for eight that word's gonna get out right by the time it gets out on because you're not going to drop your prices till wednesday in those days let zeppelin did five nights in your fucking town yeah i mean that's how they stole so he found out that they were setting up stands yeah what the fuck is this shit he went nuts you know there was a story that in one there was a guy in the

gambinos this is the truth that was on the board of directors of one of those chains and new bombs or some some off chain of supermarkets okay but the guy's real gig was harrowing he moved harrowing in big bulks but his other gig for the mafia how he kept tight with the mafia was he knew the guy that put construction up and one day he called him up he goes we have an idea go to each fucking supermarket and build the stand identical to the other checkout stands that goes directly in our pocket this guy what are you talking about they set up shop in the grocery store set up shop in the grocery store get their own stand with the conveyor belt line number one fucking thing he had the guy on the contract he put him in one of those in each supermarket

12 supermarkets yeah and everything that runs through that register in 12 supermarkets every day goes in the mafia's pocket and like the manager didn't realize there was nobody asked questions because it's you and i'll break your fucking scope you don't want to find out the answer you got three kids and you're getting 26 an hour plus you're stealing 300 a night you don't think i know but there's a stand what do we do with the fucking thing at the end of the night nothing leave them the register leave the money in the register we'll take the cash out we'll leave 50 overnight a big mafia guys the cashier it's fucking crazy this oh my no they probably found everything he was looking for no no they put a plastic they probably put a chick in there and

charged the supermarket chain they're not gonna fucking pay nobody going then click yeah oh my god it's fucking good guys you have no idea what year was this this is in the 70s oh jeez 60s late 60s back when america was america back when you could still make your living your way back when people made 15 an hour so nobody was upset if you stole do you understand me if you steal that's your business when you're paying me eight an hour when i'm working double ships and you're finding every way to rob from me that's when you're fucking america when i was a kid you made 12 bucks an hour 15 is that right 22 fuck it they lowered it and all of a sudden they just load well minimum wage has always been minimum wage yeah i'm talking about what a person wants to look in the eye and pay

you got you now if i have a construction company i have to pay workers comp any of those things so that's what people don't realize if i'm paying you 15 an hour i gotta dip 15 an hour into workman's comp that means i'm really paying you 30 an hour that means you have to do 30 hours an hour to work for me to make money i gotta make i gotta charge 55 for you right you follow me so when somebody comes to me they want to hang fucking 10 lamps i'll charge them my rate 185 but i'll send you down there to hang the 10 lamps because you can do it don't take no fucking genius now i used to hang lamp these fucking things yeah on the scaffold when i was 21 years old on six weeks of training it's drilling butterfly things hang the fucking lights zippin connect the wires and turn the fucking

light on merry christmas like that having a little bit of panic attack thinking about doing that on scaffolding right now no it was just one it was a low it was like a garage it was a low scaffold i wasn't trust me oh okay i thought you were climbing up the skyscrapers fuck you i've never been a scaffold guy after the second floor fuck you right i tried in 81 you don't eat your lunch up top of the world trade centers that shit makes me nervous just looking at it to be honest with you listen trying to get a lid off of thermos when i lived in snow mass buildings they were building this fucking thing and it was like six fucking floors and they had scaffold that went all the way around like they were doing sections so when they went up there and i go listen man can i get a job

and the guys like the only job i have is scaffold breakers and counters and i go fucking i go listen but i'm scared i had to go tell them and just go up to the second floor and hand the stuff down yeah fuck you fuck you i went up that had me on the third floor yeah you know putting the shit down putting two pieces of wood getting on top of the wood then and up to the third floor now you buy yourself really on two pieces of wood no way find out who you are no way i told that guy i gotta go home for lunch and never came back usually i go back a week later and tell him i got sick and i need my paycheck and they gave me like 30 bucks i didn't even go back and ask i was scared looking at the fucking building was he like my guys eat their lunch on the scaffolding you know

fuck you and then i had another buddy and and that he was with me in bolder in aspen and he went back to jersey because he knocked up his girlfriend and he was in charge of the window washes at the world trade center nope and they had the contract of all those buildings god damn it's a lot of so he would work in three different you bro it's year-round you're on the scaffold yeah so all you do is go to the same scaffold press the button go to the eighth floor and just wash windows all day till 12 o'clock bing you go upstairs you eat a sandwich one o'clock you go back you do the other side by the time you're done with one side of six months you just work on a on a fucking building so wait you're not on like the the moving up and down thing you're on like actual scaffolding

on the on the on washing the windows you're on the scaffolding with the button that levels raises okay so it's not like actual pieces of wood with the metal no no no but still listen after the third floor i got no business being there unless i'm batman unless i'm batman or a pigeon if you're not a pigeon you don't believe you don't belong on the four four higher fuck you no i don't like that but walking around on heights i always that's that's and i did it when i worked on a roof then i got a job like how do you do roofs then because by the time i those ladders are connected to the buildings it's commercial roofing okay so all you do is back your truck up put like a ladder Puerto Rican rig it up yeah and close your eyes and climb that one

and then go up to the three close your eye yeah because that's all you could do because if you love a fucking ladder you don't want to see it oh that's terrible yeah are you okay with like roller coasters i'm i like those but i can't do like the heights thing by itself let me ask you something one was the last time i told you i was fucking sitting in traffic before i was to go on the roller coaster you like roll up if there's no traffic and love you're next to a roller coaster you go on the dread of my life the dread of my life is having to take my daughter to disney lander a year it's coming up and be like all these people that wait online for 45 minutes per ride just to get scared as i'll go i'll ride my daughter won't sit there no i don't know what

kids do i don't know what you do as a parent what do you do give them cotton candy and hold them there's nothing you could do i dread all that shit well is she tall enough to get on those like don't bring her if she can't get on the big rides i don't feel lead what the fuck you think i go to do i've been in disney land i'm 52 45 fucking years no last time i was 10 what the fuck do i not even disney land but like six flags are the good roller coasters like that's like the fast i don't know this week does it like listen i like those roller co- i like those disney's and those other places because you know me i'm a cuban jew i'm always thinking of the of the bottom half something happens here you collect them a big paycheck or you go on fucking twitter and tell

them how the the thing broke you go on 60 minutes whatever yeah you fall out one of these Puerto rican fucking carnivals you deserve what you get you're fucking moron if the pipe lands on your head and you're fucking retarded after that you deserve it because i don't there's one this week in north hollywood park they're setting up right now there's one this week but those are all different those are scary all those are scary you ever see the people that work in those things yeah they're called carnies and they're garbage oh my god those people that's the only time i ever got sick on a roller coaster i used to date a girl that said that she was on that she was like my ex-boyfriend as a carnie we lived together this is in bolder you could tell this girl had been in the hidden

head with a pipe like four times she didn't shave her armpits but she was fucking beautiful but that's what she did for like three years we could we quit college together we've been loving went to work for a carnival slept on the floor and other people watch this fuck that's a great career Jesus Christ walking around with dirty feet grease on your hands and shit it's disgusting that's one of the few times i thought i was really gonna die i went on this thing called the super duper because i was at the real like king's dominion which is like a six flags in virginia yeah and i could go on all this upside down shit i fucking love that i wasn't scared of any roller coasters so i go on the super duper looper at the saint mary's county fair in maryland and there's these

fucking meth heads are just holding holding it upside down that's what happened and there was no good seat belts in it like there was seat belts but they weren't really good me and my brother thought we were going to fucking die no joke because the windows were like open like we we thought we were just gonna fucking die right there on that fucking farm field i got stuck on a geronimo and i did the same thing like turn the upside down and then the other way and i just i got it that was the only time i repuged now let's get something straight i'm not johnny rotten before i left jersey i was always a great adventure down right why is f was based on that always twice a fucking month sometimes three times and some of me the undertaker the assemblyman

veneery i remember we double dated me veneery tizio and she brought a girlfriend that had a mustache for veneery he almost had a heart attack the whole drive he kept looking at me we're gonna do with the mustache nothing pick it up when she's sucking your dick don't call it tony what are you bothering me for all right i used to love all that shit and i went on rides yeah but i was never the big roller coaster the three and a tube spinning around i'm not anymore after you get a certain age is like what the fuck are you doing that for you see enough bet comedy you know you know you get made fun of if you're white if you jump out of airplanes and shit i'm not into that shit anymore and also i i saw the people that work there even though it's better than a carnival

it's still like these guys don't give a fuck i know like they still don't like check to seep out that hard or anything like that i don't trust it as i get older like i said the port of rican carnivals i'm not even going the food's bad everything is bad yeah one this man no disrespect the port of rican people i'm just saying you know i'm just saying what your animal isn't that good it's just but the fucking the good parks i like the good parks i just don't like the like in jersey for example in october they offered you deals because it was cold that only animals go to amusement park when it's called that me because you just walk into fucking things you get we in those days we get a bottle of booze too uh-huh towards the end though before i left jersey 18 19 we got a bottle

of booze and go to great adventure now you're talking a smoke a number right that great adventure even greater adventure paul and i are going next weekend for the feel like the la fair is coming where is it i have no idea you're going to la fair for one day yeah this poor bastard he gets talked into the weirdest fucking your lady talks you into that you know no he just read the newspaper and he saw it in there and he thought to himself let me go to the la fucking fair to be surrounded by fucking gang members people selling rims and shit the fuck is wrong with your bell out right now more neck tattoos per capita than any fair in the country crazy people selling pipes i know so what the fuck is wrong with you just use your imagination for one second yes that's

exactly what it's gonna be a lot of dodger jerseys yeah you tell paul you're gonna go to the fucking farms market in studio city with white people you're gonna walk back and forth you get a wall of melon juice it'll be just like home they got the hot dogs with the fucking bacon they got nice pizza you can buy a few apples the tickets are expensive we got unlimited rides i think so you already bought them she bought them for a birthday oh jesus christ here's your birthday present we're going to a real shitty place i know those fucking rides where you're gonna get robbed but you know what that's good you do it you could sue them you wait three years in litigation to get paid that's what you learn see if you fall off a ride in great events you get

60 days before you start hooping in holland that you can flashback to vietnam that you thought you know you could start yelling and screaming on twitter you fall at the la fair they gotta throw 18 fucking attorneys at you and then they don't have no money to pay so they gotta pay on the slow fucking hand so i don't want to fall out of it yeah you're gonna you're gonna make a lot of money i'm just saying ladies it's gonna be the best thing that ever happened to you no one ever i never get to get a roller coaster with you now you definitely throw me off of a roller coaster maybe yes play 10 for 10 for 10 fuck i'll throw your head fucking first you know me your family oh i just give you a little push do what are you gonna do break a shoulder maybe a foot

you get a brand new foot who's better than you you can jump high you get a that that's six billion dollar foot that's right when you got a new foot and six million in the bank who's gonna love you more than you and who's gonna thank you won't even tell me before you really hey we're gonna go because then you'll tighten up and break more bones if i tell you tighten up and break more bones you gotta stay loose you gotta have a lot of edibles you gotta have a lot of drivers they always say drunk drivers always live because they're drunk they're loose the people they hit are always tightened up they see the car come yes that's just a metaphor for life right there that's right dog a drunk driving accident is just a metaphor for life get one of those blades like that dude that

killed his girlfriend australia you'll be fucking leave the blade forget about leave the blade sciat please been acting weird since he fell off that rollercoaster when i only get one or did i lose both legs no just one we're talking about a foot we're talking about a foot can i have one spear and one regular foot is it we don't we don't know you ever see enter the dragon the guy had a thousand different arms right he had a clad's claw he had like a wolf's claw he had knives he had the thing with the ball he could spin his arm around with a ball yeah that's gonna be you that's gonna be you once you get six million dollars you can do whatever you want now you can fight bruce lee now you got skill whatever the fuck you want with your little foot yeah what like what about the carousel no

no wait no not the carousel what's up what's the what's the big wheel the merry go around no no the loop-de-loop no what's the we have the one in tana monica the ferris wheel yeah can we just fall off of that that seems better yeah yeah sure yeah that's what you really want excuse me but that's gonna be you're gonna see that coming you're gonna be nervous about it if you're in a roller coaster you get pushed off by joey it's gonna come out of the blue you don't know which roller coaster is gonna be and then you're halfway to having a bionic foot how good does those legs look on that fucking steak fucking fantastic you imagine right now but that's a fucked up steak the steak yeah that's the reason why they're dressing it up with air they gotta take the bone out of the

steak but if you just have the steak without the bone two eggs some potatoes burnt yeah two pieces of nice wheat bread with heavy butter yeah some water salt and pepper are you who's better than you nobody I'm fucking believe and look at all those bags of coke right there too I don't want that shit that's the front of my house I grew up in I just looked at that and saw that was that and it just stunned me for a second that's a fucked up place where is that that's in north bergen new jersey there used to be a window here yeah you know that's where my family's from right well I don't know if north north bergen but bergen county bergen county yeah which is still close by yeah that's a fucked up looking door that's not the original door but what are you gonna do

please say yeah what you got going on tonight tonight well yes what are you gonna tell you you got bitches I got nothing tonight picking them up and giving them a sausage no I gotta work tomorrow what work what are you gonna do tomorrow I'm trying to work more and you didn't go to jiu-jitsu today they called me saying where's Lee again I'm embarrassing me I'm sick what's sick what's sick this is your last year with your real foot and this is how you're treating this exercise what's sick are you all of a sudden you're sick since one I don't see no sniffles okay you ain't sick you're fucked they gotta call me and embarrass me and say we didn't show up you know who you know who you know who cocksuck it are you on drugs right now I know what the

frankly I'm insulted why don't you take a piece out of the ball and calm down he's coming down but then anyone would assume that I'm currently intoxicated you're okay you know what are you doing this weekend what's happening what are you doing this weekend I have no idea nothing nothing I have a I have a consultation tomorrow night a consultation tomorrow night what are you doing huh we're kind of consultation he wants to start a podcast and then what do you got this weekend nothing all right I ain't mad at you what do you got I gotta go to Austin we're broken that's fun and he and Edwards remember when he got me high on the way to Austin no I don't remember I don't remember that was terrifying why what happened to you what did

you take that bus to the plane plane and what happened to you who took care of you like me on the plane but then I was all the way in the back and I kept was I was really worried did you smoke were you an animal please I think we did both sure that's the combo that's the early flight I gotta switch it to that because he's got me going at like 10 oh that's too late that's too late that's too late I think I was six a.m. I could be there I'll fucking go to sleep early for oh yeah I ain't shit going on tomorrow night so far I got on with you dog I got I'm going to Coeur d'Alene Idaho this weekend Saturday that's a good place that's a ski resort yeah I've never been there I've been there by the time of the year I mean 20 years ago this is part of the triple run days

no there was an independent guy that booked rooms up in that part okay you always had different people triple I worked the trip when we had the two Idaho runs he had the Oregon run you know like Salem and Eugene Grand Pass yeah well they do the Shakespeare Festival right Astoria and then they had the one that because they have two Vancouver Vancouver Washington and Vancouver Oregon right a lot of people don't know that then so he had two red lions yeah right across from each other that did calmly he had the potato he had aggressive listen man I if I ever see triple again yeah if you know anything about me I'm always very thankful I would give him a big fucking hug right you know I watched Charada Carmichael's show and this morning I got up and I called

Tiffany Hattie she was great yeah I'm that type of person I'm cheering for you remember the gay kid we were talking about when Jason was here the last week we saw a gay kid in Ian he called me he said his friend heard this on the podcast and he called me he lives in New York now he moved to New York to pursue Carmichael I'm so fucking proud of him you should get him on the podcast when you're in New York he's in New York but I'm not gonna do a podcast okay yeah yeah I'm not gonna do it no you you've always been a good guy fucking getting on board with me for years you know listen man I was taken care of when I became a comic from fucking day one not taken care of but I had people that told me gave me direction yeah and said that joke was funny right when somebody

tells you that joke is funny that keeps you in for one more week you have no idea what that means to people right and delete how many times if we get in the car and I go that was fucking horrible you and I have great discussions on the way home that we gig I don't think you'll fuck you that was fucking terrible you know yeah and but when somebody when somebody takes me somewhere I want to suck that dick whether it's a man or a woman right when somebody takes me at this point in my life because you see all the smoke and mirrors yeah when you do them you see them right so when you somebody takes you for a psychological ride when I'm in the comedy store and I just smoked a joint on the way down with Lee yeah and Lee's just sitting next to me and Lee doesn't know what I'm

thinking I don't know what Lee's thinking we're just sitting next to each other yeah and somebody's saying some like Papa a couple weeks ago took me on a ride Tom Papa yeah that's what I want to see right when I go watch a movie yeah I want you to take me on a ride right even if the movie blows and you want an Oscar you should be taking me somewhere that's why after I saw Mission Impossible what's the first thing I said to I said that dude from Jeremy Renner he's a good actor he ain't no Oscar guy you know why because I saw Mission Impossible Rogue Nation and he didn't stand down he did nothing he played a fucking moutage that's not an Academy Award winner go what am I gonna do so even if this movie blows and goes down in flames don't remember me for something

right something I do they got to remember me for yeah that's what the movie's about then it's Colangelo 1981 it's not whether you want to lose how many points you score you know what I'm saying fucking take it back Lee say yeah yeah no that's true that's your opportunity to fucking do that that's your opportunity to shine so when I watch a movie or I see or I watch a TV show or a fucking Saturday Night Live I'm watching it with an open mind right I want to get entertained so if I happen to bump into you you bet your ass I'm gonna pull your side so listen that shit you said on that show because it's a TV line yeah she was funny on it last night the dude from David Ogre David I don't agree it was very funny his wife was funny Gerard Carmichael had moments I enjoyed

the show if I can I see Gerard and I was cheering for him when I saw it was coming on I fucking started up and cheered for him I was like you know what man this could be us yeah I know how can I cheer against him no you can't because they're your friends anyways you know we know these people they're good people it's tough enough right when you walk around there's two ways to walk around calm I bumped into somebody at the store the other night I known for 20 years doing comedy uh-huh and he was eyeballing me and I talked to him I opened my heart to him we're talking and the first thing he says to me goes let me ask you a question how do you walk around knowing you don't have a TV show and all these non-funny motherfuckers have a TV show how come

you don't walk around fucked up and I go why would I right think of all the opportunities that I've had thrown at me because do you know people that have TV shows not even because how lucky are we to be met full charge oh I know there's I don't know how many comedians there I'll leave take a fucking stab at it let me comics are there Lee 500 okay you're the worst number Jew I ever met my 500 comics at the comedy store at the comedy store let's say 50,000 what's the population of let's say there's 50,000 people let's just say subjectively in the United States 100,000 comedians we're in LA yeah this is the major leagues okay everything else is triple A boy you got double A boy and I'm not putting down anybody's market I'm just explaining to you New York has great comedy

to develop yeah but to get the deals and to do all that shit this is the major league yeah and everybody's competing if you don't believe me go on comedystore.com and look at the schedule tonight yeah look at the schedule from 9 30 to 12 to 11 30 it's out of control it's out of fucking control it competes with the seller and that's it if those two clubs are elite for that shit they probably got Louis C.K. Jim Norton and my boy there you know fucking what's his name well that's married to Bonnie McFarland um Rich Voss Rich Voss and you know that's the home to some fucking seasoned Collin Quinn time Collin Quinn you know Jerry Seinfeld he'll be there some nights comics that work on this shit that take each word Chris Rock or other close rock so now you go to the

con that's the major leagues they're pitching movies out of here they're doing this out of here got a bit you have a good set in front of the VP of some fucking movie company you're here how lucky are we absolutely I get to wake up every morning go holy fuck I gotta stop tonight you know when I left the store one of the reasons I left the store was because my dick wasn't getting hard anymore it had become a chore right and if it had become a chore while I was going to get blow and then do a spot did you imagine if I wasn't doing blow yeah the store wasn't gonna become a so I stopped going to the store not because I quit or because I didn't even I thought I stopped going to the store because my dick stopped getting hard and when you're at the comedy store your dick can't be soft right when

you walk into the store you're a fucking marine yeah you are the marine the comics you're the last sense of defense of comics they come out of the fucking plane with parachutes and m16 that's Richard Pryor that's Lily Tom right that's that's the black chick with the dreads that's Sam Kenison that's Andrew Dice Clay that's Jim Carrey who was at the store last week through night no shit these are fucking people that were in my position there 25 years ago that I have to walk their shoes in a way I had to go in there and start with 1245 spots found one Paul Mooney yeah and you work yourself way down to fucking 1145 right then Rogan would call up and say put Joey in front of me I used to get 1045 spots 10 years ago and go I don't want to go down there that sucks why not because

you you had a you you had just had to you feel like being a troublemaker listen man how many times have you walked into a place that they do comedy there and somebody comes up to you and says you want to go out man full time in your heart you're like I'd say all the time not really I'd say like I always had me too me too yeah but there's certain places you go to that once you know it that you stop losing that edge you don't belong in there right right right you just don't belong in there no more because I need a place to light me up I need to walk into places will you say I would say I'm hugging you I gotta hear Matt Fultron killing right and then that goes into my ear and it works itself up to my brain right and then I go up to the bar and I get a water and I give the waitress

a hello and I talk to the bartender how's it hanging and also there's a schedule hanging on the refrigerator and I look over to the refrigerator and it's Neil whatever Sebastian Mark Marin Joe Rogan and Joe Diaz now what you heard the laughter mixed with what you see now that sparks something so you should be right there I don't give it for who you I don't give you Charles Bronson doing stand-up at that point you should have a little bit of fear you should use your body she you're gonna get your body even shifts to the left a little bit just because your central nervous system goes it's your chance to run right now yeah you could run and say that fucking your cat died no one would question you nobody will question you they put somebody else and that's right there

yeah that's when I need to go on stage right that fear that anxiety mixed with fear fucking Matt Voltron's in there fucking tell them I can't wait to get up yeah you understand I finally I finally have embraced the anxiety and the fear too and known that it's not something negative it's something that's going to push you a little bit when you get up there you know I used to try to ignore it now I'm like fuck it as soon as as soon as like a minute is up up there all the extra energy is going to be gone and I'll be in the zone what did what how are you ignoring it before I would just I would just I would just try not to think about it and I would try extra hard I would like somehow and I don't know how I did it I still do it a little bit close off

or just slow my body down slow myself down so as not to have that nervous fucking energy I would fight the nervous energy I would ignore the nervous energy and I would consciously just move slower and it's a good tool you know you have to learn to relax during all these things but then I learned that the anxieties I've been doing it too long that the anxiety and the fear is not going to fuck me up so then I can just let it in and just kind of you know have a little bit more energy up there like it lends itself to having more energy more passion while you're up there you know you can embrace it it's not going to fuck you up after a certain point it's not going to fuck you up to be nervous I was always a dr. doodle dumb fuck on stage

I know what what happened one night was what does that mean like I was just a dumb fuck like I didn't have an identity at this point I've been doing I've been doing comedy like six years I had no identity I was a cross between dice and something else and yeah I didn't you know I didn't really know where I was at I know a lot of young comics listen to this and I'm telling you this man I was in it six years I didn't know the fuck I was on stage and I used to date this fucking stripper let me like a pussy on fly this is 20 fucking years ago I still talk to it I just posted a picture on Facebook and I wrote something she's crazy this girl was just crazy so she would get back with me on a Friday when I had like 800 bucks but I scanned from that gamble that I was sitting on

this fake bets right and she would hang out with me till Monday till I was down to 30 bucks and then tell me how some guy invited her to a dance and she wanted to go and did I mind what do you mean I'm fucking dating you right she's like I'll be home at six nothing's gonna happen you're a fucking whore you're a full-time whore you give hand jobs of this drip club you know are you gonna let him light your pussy on fire I'm like are you fucking crazy and she'd say well if you don't like it you could leave so one night packed my stuff I had Josh will pick me up yeah and I went up to the club and this is when I found out about what this was you know and I'm sitting there on the side feeling like a fucking putz about myself you know like what the fuck am I doing with my life

with this fucking piglet and right you know I'm crazy all I care about is stand-up at the time and my daughter what the time was maybe six and I'm not doing good with the stand-up so I'm coming to the stage and I was like number nine on the list I had moved up at the Seattle Underground they start you up in a car warming home would start you like number one or number two spot and as well as you did you'd move up I was there like a month and a half and I was up to nine there was only 15 contestants yeah your goal was to be from 12 and up that means you're one of the headliners in the show and you could tell people you know I'm headlining the open mic I don't know if you know that ladies you know I'm headlining some panties drop

shit it's all over yeah when you got that bionic dick fuck a leg and I had some fucking Momo material I was gonna go up on stage yeah and something made me fucking go up there and just talk about my day I was five day the stripper you know everything was going great we were in love everything was going great then I ran out of the dollar bills you know I just started fucking and I was angry like I got no place to live and somebody gave me the tape and like a week later I hated watching my tapes I watched the tapes I'm like that's it yeah right that's who I am I gotta go up there and not talk about that dumb shit I'm talking about I gotta talk about what the fuck is bothering me yeah tell the audience and that's how you make it funny right

and I got glimpses of it over the months like I wouldn't do it for a month and then I would do it and then I wouldn't do it for a month then I'd do it then I'd do it twice a month and I'll be all right I'm on to something yeah yeah but the fear if I don't get that fear this blows it's a different show then huh it's a different show yeah and Lee's building me while telling I was okay I got him laughing right they're happy no I've seen that I've seen you go up there and do very well and then get off like ah that wasn't for me I was doing that wasn't for me you're like I was doing a whole joke but there's a style that I have that I really like this right you got 80 people it's a 200-seat room that cool as fuck yeah you just go up there and start talking it's like

that it's like that type of rhythm yeah you know because comedy is really a rhythm in a lot of ways to really kill if you look at your set you're working in a rhythm there's no doubt about and then you stop let them breathe you're at the end of your 10-minute cycle and the elliptical goes now we're gonna kick it up to 75% yeah now you're going there slowly again and it becomes a rhythm again you give they give it's music yeah it's music it's music man you can read most people's jokes off of paper and it's just really not that I don't like that it might be like writing yeah but you got to see the way people sell that motherfucker yeah dance around it yeah how it flows to them how it's weird I love when somebody acts out a joke Dane for a while had that you know but

God knows is it hard like if like if you start off poorly and I said is it really hard to get it back because especially with like the 15-minute sets if I see somebody like really start off poorly it seems like they have bad sets but especially like with you when you start off really well you can go for like 15 minutes and not stop now I can't but 15 years ago when I got to the store those 20-minute spots I come out gangbusters till about nine minutes after nine-minute mark it'd be the longest 11 minutes of your fucking life because you don't know how to balance it right to have that style you're not even worried about what's coming out of your mouth you're worried what's coming out of your mouth on the 16 minute yeah there's a lot of comedians at clubs ago this

guy was here last week he's good for 20 minutes and then the show takes right a fucking horrible dive by the time they're paying that tab they pay double to get the fuck out of you right because he takes you for a psychological ride for 22 25 minutes so now you have to learn how to become headline right that's a huge muscle to exercise that's the ultimate final position and every comic hits 40 minutes and they're a headliner like giggle you've been doing comedy I don't know six years he's headlining me already okay and I just sit there because I know yeah I know that you have to put work in I know that it's eight fucking good years and that's if you do 30 sets a fucking month yeah yeah yeah and you bang and even then you're not a headline right once you start getting

paid that dough and you get into that flow and you know how to build the set how to come back you want me to tell you something that's why I love jiu-jitsu and I didn't know till now it's all the same okay when you're fighting me Lee let's let's do an act out right now I could throw two punches at you and I connect with two punches and I could break your nose your job for the rest of the two minutes is to avoid me and get your composure back and get your head thinking you're still in this right okay that's your composure so now you got your front foot you got your hands up you're breathing your nose is busted you don't want to breathe through that because that'll clog up so you gotta breathe through your mouth but you gotta stay survived for two minutes to go back to that corner

having fixed your nose that's the mindset of a winner or a loser right a guy like me gets punched in the face I'm out of there I'm tapping out this is over there's no more punches that need to be thrown in this match it's over okay I got my nose broken how are you come back from that yeah listen you're at a three minute mark of a routine it's not working for you right it's not working for you my face is as red as this shirt right okay your face is as red as that shirt you got a fucking quick decision and it's not about the joke that's gonna come out next it's about how you're gonna get your composure back and start from square one where you were supposed to start yeah it's like telemarketing you they give you a pitch when you use that pitch

you'll sell whatever the fuck they're selling I'm selling flying sauces from Bolivia really if that pitch is good you read it effectively right it's when you start improvising yeah but then yeah they want you to improvise it but they want you to censor yourself in that script right a lot of like when I first started doing comedy I learned there's an improviser it was a 50-50 shot no no no you have no idea people write jokes I didn't write dick right I would get one tag for a show and think I was Johnny fucking rotten right I wasn't gonna go up there and riff for 20 minutes some nights it worked yeah but most of the nights it didn't but I stuck with that for my first three years of comedy so I always had that to fall up on

if my material is not working and the story doesn't work I'll fucking riff off your ass you got to you really got a problem there's only one decision I'm talking about eating pussy and sticking fingers in your ears and all that shit and I'll grab you and once I grab you now I go back to my step one right to whatever I wanted to tell you from the fucking originator right so you're reselling that joke hey you did that joke right not like this motherfucker you follow me it's jujitsu even though he passes your guard if you could slip your leg back in there boom put him back in your guard and take a deep breath and hold him for two now I got this motherfucker he's not gonna punch me he's not gonna pass my guard and now I'm centralized I have a plan I'm gonna put my knee up and get to

the side I'm gonna go to work and that's what took me years to understand once I got folded in the four-minute mark I died after that right a couple weeks ago I get to the storm a little fucking high you know me though I tell you how it is yeah fucking Joe Rogan goes up in front of me and lays a beaten on those people right now I'm good psychologically like that but I could be myself but that happened to me I went up there and went well I went gangbusters for nine minutes but I couldn't take the taste of Joe Rogan out of that mountain right sure I started throwing some left jabs at him yeah the show went fucking kaput oh yeah I went up back to Laurel Canyon that day was I depressed I was a little upset with myself yeah because I let the heat get to my head

right the lights I let the heat and it threw me off my game right it's gonna happen but guess what after 20 years until I've been doing comedy it can't happen and I made a decision that night it's not gonna happen again right and you go up there and you look straight and you focus and you believe in your material and sometimes it's not gonna work and now you have to take it back to square one yeah you you rest take a breath rest your legs and take them to the guide again even if you had to break the fucking joke down listen when I said that joke before and you guys didn't laugh let me break this down right look at this motherfucker bringing this back but that's what your goal was to open them up once I open you up once I fucking grow that hook on your right side and I cut that

eyebrow guess what you see blood in your right what are you what's your natural instinct gonna do I'm paying attention to you you're gonna know you're gonna pop that fucking elbow up to block that eye yeah but you're gonna leave me a four inch opening that if I could get to I'm gonna kick that liver or whatever the fuck is on that side four times yeah with comedy you're always looking for an opening you're no different than a fucking fighter you're no different than the jitsu guy you're on your back I'm on top of you you've got me under control yeah now you're gonna twist and go for a leg what are the fuck these dudes I'm not talking about me people hypothetically I'm just thinking about how I think about everything yeah I know I gotta get back to a center point

took I'm giving you motherfuckers of the comics free information there yeah pay attention it took me 15 fucking years to get right just go back to the center it's like yoga you go back to the center and yoga you do your exercises then you do those things sun salutation and you breathe and you go back then you attack again but you're always going back to that you ever see a comic that does a callback and he does it brilliantly yeah I'm Todd Jordan one of the most brilliant comics I used to work used to take you on a fucking comedy ride and every eight minutes he'd look at you and he go excuse me does it hurt yet oh my god oh my god and he blasts you for eight minutes does it hurt yeah and he do something with his fucking stomach and his hand that you would die and then at the end

he had to close it to those that hurt yet that's a headliner guy right right that's a headliner when you see that you're like oh shit anyway what the fuck would I know I'm just a fat fuck that's struggling like everybody else you're the youth of this fucking comic I don't know that I don't know the soldiers right yeah you're the foot soldier you're out there I'm doing it man I'm doing god damn stand it I I started doing open mics 17 years ago Jesus Christ and you feel it up there you feel what I'm talking about I feel it very recently that I actually trust myself and only very recently and I know I'm no I know I'm nowhere near the level I'm going to be one day I still feel like a student you're always a big time but you're always a student right now even in life

you always learn something every day I don't know that shit you know that you cut people off what Lee what Lee what cause what do you got no that don't have one anyway you want another piece you always your comics say like we're gonna go to food trucks I want another piece I don't want you to go there and say you're not high you're not high you're not high because you're just making your eyes all fucking Chinese doubt and shit so yeah you always your comics saying like they don't think about money when they get into like stand up comedy but how can they not like if you're gonna do it for 15 years it's the thing where like you just do it you're driven to do it there's nothing rational about being an artist you gotta fucking it's an uncontrollable urge

that you have to face it's not a business decision that's for fucking sure but isn't there like the hope yeah isn't that what like that's what it's always weird like they always say but then but then they're always getting like tv shows and making tons of money what's the question like most people have an irrational urge to do it and the the results the Buddhist way to go through life is that results are secondary and that's really how you have to approach it you can be business minded and look out for opportunities but I mean if you're into money you should get into like something else well that's that's what I like I was talking to a kid at the store you know I found look at that thought of his name I grew up with a kid played

basketball against him at CYO basketball played basketball against him in eighth grade basketball you know we played in the school league and then okay graduated left me I went to prison whatever the fuck I did I got into comedy 15 years no 10 years ago I'm at the laugh factory Latino and I come off the stage on a monday night because you remember me my name is Baba Bob fuck yeah I remember you play for Washington school and you play for a nice kid but after a month of talking to him I'm like so what do you do well I do stand up but when you're starting jersey you know I started out here after college and he was looking for a payday oh last time I spoke to him was maybe three years ago this went on for like seven years that he tormented me in

fact he did do a movie with Steven Bauer and Rogan and the girl from my name is real yeah Rogan's manager took him for if the movie was a three million dollar budget I guarantee they gave Rogan 2.5 million knowing his manager he just ate them up alive left them sore I don't think the movie got released the movie just went on video went on video maybe eight years after the movie was shot yeah she wasn't even on my name is real right he was one of the producers on it I don't know what happened after that him his wife got into a beef and he was writing and he wanted to a new jersey tour me and two other morons that I didn't want to be involved and I was like no yeah and then the other guy dropped out and then he did it by himself like he went through a couple bars

and did it by himself and I heard from sources it was a horror show why because he didn't respect this he thought that he was gonna walk in and make ten million dollars and be like everybody else and then the last thing he called me for was some movie he was making uh about some guy old cholo or something like that he went and I go how much you pay oh it doesn't pay nothing but we'll take care of the back end listen if I know you there ain't no back end the point being Lee how old are you when you fell in love the first time I don't know um I don't know probably like 18 but I would say I was gonna say now first time you fell in love did you sleep with it yeah okay how long did it take you to sleep with it

don't cry what sounds like you're crying I want to take you to sleep early oh a while okay a couple years yeah now between you and I and his family did you yearn it yeah you'd do anything to fucking sleep with it yeah anything fucking anything there were nights that you were making out when your dick was so hard your heart was beating your head was hot you couldn't fucking think you'd sell your soul to fuck her and she didn't fuck you when I was in the sixth grade I fell in love with somebody didn't fuck me at all but I would do anything to be with her that's how I knew I love comedy as soon as I talk to somebody hey Joey how you doing my name is fucking Lee I just started comedy any advice you know if their third question

how long does it take me before I make money they're not gonna last in this game you're not gonna last in this game I'm telling you this from fucking hearing it 50 times and going you still do stand up nah I'm a producer now you're a fucking idiot you weren't gonna hamburger store you know because this takes work this takes patience it's like anything else it takes work it takes patience it takes getting up every morning and doing it again I compare it to falling in love with a woman that has your favorite body that you love her from your feet to her fucking head when you look at this woman you'll do anything to crawl in her and suck a pussy from the inside out that's love that's when you want somebody when you

want to suck a toes and rub her ass and you'll light cigarettes for her and you don't care if she spits on you or whips your pisses on you you'll do anything to have her fucking love yeah so you relate to this we can't describe it to you it's in you and you're drawn to it for no rational reason you're just gonna go there it's like nature you're just gonna go to that place and that's the only way to calm that's the only way my life survived fucked up my life was fucked up in more ways than one never mind the felonies never mind the blow never mind the fucking confusion something was not right that this is fucking job shit fucking taking shit from people in the daytime working all week to have two days off like a fucking moron something didn't ring right with me

and i had the world by the balls and i went and i watched that stupid fucking punchline movie and and i fucking called comedy clubs the next day i wanted information the yellow pages and looked up all the comedy clubs and i asked them about new talent night or do you do one no fuck you we don't do that shit here and they hang up on you and the comedy world finally did it this was january i didn't it took me six months before i fucking got on stage yeah okay from the fucking fear that i had but one day i went to get coffee for the boys it snowed and i said you know what let me go over there i gotta get green chili and some eggs for everybody i get some coffees and there was a rocky mountain news and i opened it up and there was a comedian in the middle and

he goes do you want to be a stand-up comic and they were talking about the resurgence uh what's her name just became a star out of uh Denver and blah blah blah and all of a sudden there were comics are flocking down there and i didn't know what to do but i said you could take a course with 37 fucking dollars 37 dollars i was spending 50 on a half a gram of blow 37 dollars i mean at least give it a fucking drive yeah i'm just talking to the guy three weeks asking him questions and at the end he made us get on stage and i remember getting up there and doing a stupid joke about fucking godzilla and on the end he goes listen man this might be for you these are the words i wanted to hear in a way in a way i didn't i wanted him to go you suck and i never had to

think about this again yeah right he's like this is something for you have you ever worked as a doorman he was what if i get your job as a club and i go okay and he got he goes go do paperwork and i'll call him tonight showing off he came through for me and i watched and it was okay and i would ask stupid questions and this shit about living on the road and they only pay you 400 bucks a week all week yeah what and gas out of and you know and all of a sudden that all changed the day i got on stage i remember going on stage having money in the bank being on federal probation having a wife having a baby but after i left that stage all bets were off yeah i didn't give a fuck about nothing leave i had found what i wanted to do or at least try yeah and i knew that if i got

involved in it that this was it i had a go for broke i remember the ride home from the first time i did comedy and i know i go wow i go wow i think i could really do this because i got some laughs but then the other side of me said but it's going to take a lot of fucking work that's exactly what i told myself i was 23 years old and i knew that it was very obvious that it was going to take a lot of work to to get to be good at it because i got laughs but i was not good no i had stage yeah right i had stage presence and i remember this was two things like i had no i had credit cards i had no wife no child and it was like when i came home that october and she told me she didn't want to be married anymore that we should take a separation i can't tell you how happy i was except

for the kid leaving me yeah i can't tell you how happy i was because i knew i was getting a second chance to do this because i knew you couldn't do this in the beginning with a wife or a girlfriend the first two three years of this you don't need somebody telling you you're a loser and you're never going to make money well it's not practical you already know it yeah and you know what after a year you one day you look at your boss and you're like i'm not doing this no more right i don't care what you're paying me you don't want i'd rather be broke than do this i'm gonna go for it yeah there's a day that your mind clicks and says i'm losing my day job fuck the insurance fuck dental i'm going for this i'm gonna be a star and all these are gonna suck my dick and party you is

delusional the party you that's the mindset that you need yeah that's the mindset that you need i'm not worried about the eight thousand dollars for that fucking car someday i'm gonna buy ten of those that's the mindset that you need in many ways i mean yeah once you come to the conclusion it's not gonna happen as fast as you think and what am i talking about not being a millionaire but having people giving you work every week because you talk to comics and like i work all the time yeah you what yeah i work every week man every week and i got something very what do you mean yeah yeah next time i'm off is next june it's fucking october and you're like you could work that much and they're like yeah and then i wouldn't even ask them what they made as long as i knew i was

there was an end to this getting up in the morning and getting yelled at and taking a bus and carrying fucking tools and you know yes sir oh yes he's he's brilliant i can fuck you yeah the fucking is wrong i don't give a fuck about him what is he gonna do the fuck you know better than me so that's it once it's about money you're doomed because the money i mean listen i didn't i one of the reasons that listen the first reason i didn't join the army was because of the needle yeah the blood test but the second reason because when you're 19 and somebody says four years that's that's a good chunk of your life at that point listen half of these people go to college because it's four years because deep down inside you go i got four years to fucking figure out what the fuck i'm gonna do absolutely

true i got four years to flunk out and mom stopped paying me i got to figure i could learn how to sell weed but you look at four years when you're 19 or 20 four years is not attractive for a lot of people yeah when you're 19 and 20 and you want to get your dick sucked and go to clubs and drink VIP booze and smoke blunts at 55 dollars a piece right you know it's tough to fucking tell somebody four fucking years and oh yeah you gotta go to bed at nine we wake up at five and you have to pick me up at six four years of this shit no that never sounded good to me fuck you but then four years go by and you're 24 and you still got nothing you go you see i could have fucking done this yeah and then i got the major fucking call when i got in trouble my first deal was nine years and there

was a they want to be a plead guilty to nine years and it didn't happen too right which that means i'm doing nine years i'm going in at 27 and i'm coming out of that motherfucker 36 years old right that's a long time so when i got into comedy at 31 i go what's the difference i was going to be dead till i was 36 anyway yeah when i got into comedy i did comedy the right way i had no credit left yeah i had every fucking creditor chasing me in the country that's where stand up got me for a while that's where he gets you i had every creditor in the country calling me yeah from and they would then they would switch numbers on me they call china and call me long distance from china i thought it was hbo china hello ds here hi joey it's fucking pete from america this way hello pete hey buddy did

you put that check in the mail yet you were talking about post state to check will you god i'm the first time i realized i was in trouble was when i walked into an open mic and the bartender goes some guy just called me for oh and i'm like really i'm like oh shit i made this bitch uh i've had people call my family before because they know how to full sharon's out there talk about embarrassing man you know and they'll call your house and they'll call my folks house these motherfuckers yeah it's fucked up they're fucking seven years ago what you put us at 208 i booked two national commercials i booked three commercials in three weeks nice i booked sprint calls jr and one of those cable companies i did the cable company first i did calls jr and i did sprint it was an italian family

commercial right about six months earlier i go to a dentist and he goes you need a root canal i can't do it just do me a favor walk three blocks and he's gonna do it he's waiting for you right now he's great they'll put the root canal there i trust the dentist i go to the root canal pay the fucking copay he goes well bill you i never get a bill i call down like i was no we build the insurance you're fine all of a sudden i'm on the sprint commercial and the phone rings hi this is people associated collectors we're collecting i go what are you talking about i just hung up on call my yeah i'm with this dumb fuck when my wife called they sent the bill to the wrong fucking address they didn't know that they had two different osa ideas right so you sent me the

fucking collection you didn't even call me and that's right 98 fucking wow oh my god i was so embarrassed on a fucking set yeah no i didn't listen comedy takes you to some weird places it's how you respond to it i was sleeping on a towel in seattle what was i 32 years old sleeping in an office at a quarter of the size of this with a towel against the wall there was no couch no nothing there was a table with a phone on it and i was sleeping under the table for fucking like heat i had a blanket a bare blanket and i had a pillow and i had a fucking bathroom at the end of the hallway that was just a piss if i wanted this shit i had a shit outside the window walk two blocks to the gym right that's what comedy did

when you love something that much and you want to be that it was all i had lee i had to love it i had a risk everything i didn't give a fuck i'm going for this so no we don't recommend it we don't have to recommend it if you want to do it you'll do it i recommend you get into stand-up comedy i also recommend that before you jump in you know you're gonna jump in and you're gonna have an adventure and you're gonna write a book afterward yeah because you're gonna meet crazy people and if you do it the right way and go on the road and write buses and sleep on floors if you do it the right way at the end you sit back in one day you just look up in the angle this is great there's a couple times a week right now where

i go this is an amazing life i live i just sit there as it's happening and i say this is fucking amazing even the bad shit to a certain degree because it is an adventure so many people just like stay in the house with the family never take a chance in their whole life and uh i don't know i guess they're okay with it but i kind of like that there's like these huge moments and it's exciting i just got that kind of personality i think i think you have to have that kind of personality i went to i'm cleaning out the closet and my wife goes what's this box i thought it was sleep apnea supplies it was old notebooks yeah but it was more old sides from movies i had read for and the first movie on top was be cool and for some reason i looked at it and i go i didn't get this

movie but i go what the fuck happened that day because one minute i'm in there reading with susan jaffrey and the next minute travolta walks in there with danie davida you understand me when you hear a knock on the door the casting office and all of a sudden the girl goes oh my god oh my god i'm so sorry mr travolta i'm so sorry and i'm sitting in the other room with the casting right and she goes hold on one second i think john has arrived and they open the door it's john travolta with danie davida and i'm thinking of myself oh my god if these motherfucking dummies only knew i went to prison right and i robbed that fucking ice cream truck when i was 16 yeah but how lucky was i and i remember looking at the side two three days ago and giggling to myself right how lucky

was i on that read yeah i don't remember oh i read that when i was sitting in the hallway it was an early morning read and there were two people in the hallway it was a guy that used to hang out you don't know luka palanka i do all right luka palanka used to hang out with an actor for years big time good looking to do it from the Bronx he was sitting there that morning fucked up the night before i swear to god sleeping yeah sleeping at the audition and the guy who got the part was sitting there and he had been on that show in the 70s that was very on the 80s that was very popular on cbs was a woman show and he played the landlord and he was fucking badass that morning he was cool as shit to me yeah and then i didn't book that but i booked another movie and he was my partner in the

movie yeah and then he died before be cool got released so if you watch be cool at the end it always says in dedication right such and such in memory of you yeah it's pretty fucking cool what's how you doing over there man not much i'm doing good i feel i tell my wife every day that we're very lucky i'm very lucky i'm very lucky she doesn't have to work yeah i'm very lucky that you know we're not big spenders or anything right i feel i feel we'll live here yeah you know i live today the sun was gorgeous it's eight the morning i had to walk the baby to school and i'm like right now i could have done been doing so many things yeah i wanted to be a salesman and i wanted to work as a stockbroker and i wanted to

lay brick you know growing up i wanted to do all those things but in a way i didn't want to have a day job right i always wanted to lay brick but let me show up in two yeah you want your own business two to five let me do the footsteps or a fireplace or something right but to do that you have to work with somebody because they have to teach you how to do it and today they have the unions they won't teach you unless you're an apprentice and then you also have like just small companies and they pass that down from generation to generation but now since white people do not want to apprentice and carry buckets of water it stops right there because the mexicans don't want to learn how to lay brick maybe one of the three you know what happened to white people

we used to work i think white people got lazy well somewhere they said why go for those jobs if i'm gonna have to lose it for a mexican i can't work as hard as a mexican which is like a tap out yeah it's like oh and i can't you know i'm not as good as a baseball player as he is so i'm not gonna go down there and swing the fucking bat all i'm not as good as you know when these white guys go in the NBA and they gotta go up in six or four black people what the fuck are they thinking even they're thinking there's gonna be a cake walk i'm gonna jump over fucking doc afro no yeah so people tap out that's one you know they go well mexicans do it for eight bucks an hour think of the fucking balls they have then you know what used to happen with me coming up to you

and going mad how you doing joey d is listen man i want to be a hot carry you like joey you're white it's not gonna work out for you i'm like really what are you paying these guys let me do two days for free if i'm not good you throw me out of my ass if i'm good pay me the eight and give me a job of eight bucks an hour but after a month you'll give me 12 or i'm fucking better than them right and you're going in you give it all you got yeah that's that's not gonna happen no more that's not gonna happen no more because they give everybody a trophy now right no matter whether you suck in that correct just true they have free for decades so we don't know that kind of mentality that i'm gonna go in there and be the best motherfucking hot carrier they have right or the best carpenter

they have or the best bar you know it's just i'll do my mediocre job and i'll do what i do for 750 an hour because they don't give me any more money that's a good attitude in a way but it's also a bad attitude in a way right because once you win those people over they will give you the 15 dollars you really fucking deserve you know and it's kind of weird so you have to go in there and be a fucking tyrant and then if you find out they don't fuck around and you go suck my dick i'll go because somebody's gonna realize how good of a worker you were in the workplace somebody's gonna go this motherfucker's good you know what he's supposed to be here at eight but he's here the quarter day right he's supposed to be here till five please hit till five twenty every day yeah this guy wants

the fucking job you know what i'm saying so that's the problem we do it let me get some shout outs all right we'll get the fuck out of here at least fall in the sleep on me my main man jeff warsaw last night rude icky spooky harry galakian joey zaza tweets burbank eight one ain't get well buddy you know i love you i can't do this without you renegade truth pete and jesse right excuse me always laying some fucking pipe and shit he's spooky going this weekend to austin i'm not sure i should contact her i don't think i have tickets left oh i don't know it's a rogan show i would say i didn't know if she was going i know bobby sharon's coming i know my main man dav wild is coming from dallas i know crystal's coming with bobby my man you know i know

they're coming to fucking austin so anything else i can fucking tell you cocksuck i had someone was going to talk about pop music talk about pop music should we should we do about pop pop do what dallas new york london munich everybody talk about pop music talk about bonobon pop music talk about the fuck you think you're dealing with huh you want to hit another star you're not high enough i'm telling you yeah he doesn't look high enough hey we're going out tonight it doesn't look happy enough you're gonna go see ron light with me i'm gonna have to follow that fucking savage tonight yeah sure where's that at the store damn how to follow me and i had a good set i lucked out between the row you can't you know that's that's yeah you know that's awesome though now i go down

and i'm thinking about this before i get in the shower i sit down with a notebook i know i'm not dilly dally right last year i was at the store i was just throwing my waist away i was wasting somebody's time somebody who was really in love with comedy what should have been there right i just got in the longest yard i was disgruntled my addiction was to an all-time high and i was like you know the quicker i stopped going to the store the quicker somebody would give me a tv show i don't know where i got that delusion from right but then what happened was the whole thing with joe and i said to myself you know what you gotta close one door to open up another door yeah that's how i looked at it but right now that was i've been back there a year ago and i know my comedy has grown

i know it's leaps and bounds because it's a better place to be too recently i think lee what's up buddy when you go to that fucking 24-hour fitness yes and you do your 62 minutes on the fucking treadmill right and you do your little kettlebell worker that you tell me you did look me in the fucking eye where's the workout better when you're by yourself and when you're with us on tuesday tuesday we know why because somebody pushes you yeah because people are there because people say hey you know what lee do the rope if you just had to do 10 sets of kettlebells you leave that rope is hard but only tells you do the rope when he tells you do the dead squats you do what we're talking about the only way to press 300 pounds is to press 300 pounds even if

you come back and go joey you put 300 on the bar and i didn't do it today you didn't do it today but you know what you push to an inch so next week when we do this workout again at the end of the workout we're gonna put everything on we're gonna push it two inches and eventually you're gonna fucking push this thing you're gonna look at me and go joey how the fuck did that happen you have to do it you know what i'm saying so i love the kettlebell class it's so fun i don't even know what my point was when we were talking about how i was gonna talk about when i you know when you uh go to the comedy store and somebody pushes you yeah like ron white like ron white or joe rogan or fucking neil brennan or sebastian or you well there's a lot of comics that work

out of the box and they're tough to follow i had one night one it was tough years ago at the store i remember there was that phony priest was up there and you destroy like on a tuesday night and i had a hard time because of your style you had to suit on and shit you had your girlfriend in the audience you were dropping knowledge on bitches and shit you know i'm saying right but it's really weird when you go to a comedy club and me i don't have to have a drink but when you look at the lineup and go i'm following four killers yeah i better come out there with so i try to i go for the energy trick right i just come out there yelling and screaming because that's what i'm gonna have over the four people yeah and am i funny in them no i'm gonna trick them with energy right but it teaches me

that when i go on the road if i go out with the same energy it's like john butt when i get the class jiu-jitsu class in the morning john brother was going to show me what you got right i get on top of john button twist my body and i put my arm behind his neck and i push my fucking shoulder into his jaw and i get on one knee and i push everything i got into and it's 300 pounds of fat cuban right that becomes 500 pounds the cuban press i know he's in the bottom appreciating that because he knows it's like working out with a 35 pound kettlebell yeah and then you switch to a 45 and you go back to the 35 you're like damn yeah this is two different worlds he knows he's gonna go up to john jox and when somebody 170 gets on top of me he's gonna fucking throw him off like a

cookie right because if he throws me off at 300 pounds he'll take a guy that weighs 170 that's the same thing the comedy store does to you yeah when i go out on the road and i do the same kind of energy as the comedy store i'm a way better comic right way better cuz you don't have to follow for vets you know there's a place that always calls me to go down there i love going down there but when i go down there as i'm sitting i get depressed like why am i here right i can't believe i gotta follow this guy i don't want to outshine them and go crazy and kill the rest of the show because the people behind me i'm not gonna be able to even compete right so i stopped going down there because it's a waste of my time there's no it doesn't get my heart pumping right yeah i remember

one time i had to go up after uh nor mcdonnell went up then david tell went up and kathy lewis was supposed to be up after them and she goes oh she made an excuse late oh i got bumped so i'm leaving and then old fulsher on had to fucking deal with it but you know what it was fun i was nervous as fuck but it was fun it was a good show every fucking night on twitter some moron puts the schedule at the comedy store and i look at it this is joey dears right before joe rogan and i've never thought of fucking canceling i never thought of lying and going i have another gig i'll be there 20 minutes late i go down there to face this challenge yeah and like i said i died a couple weeks ago i had to throw an awkward joke and then it took me away out of my set yeah

threw it up as a fucking safety net uh-huh but i went home i realized what i'd done and now you got to prepare yourself to follow joe rogan or sebastian you got to really prepare you got to get ready with your rod calm michael there's a couple guys you gotta get ready all day there's a couple guys down there that are fucking killers you know yeah yeah you got to be prepared league cocksucker get prepared where you going on the road next brother i'm just going to that idaho gig okay and i think i'm doing what's this gig in idaho is it a bar is it a private yeah i think it's a fucking best western okay but you know what i'm got you this some kid i know who opened for me in scott stale years ago puts me up in idaho once a year so you know fuck it why not it pays

yeah no no i ain't mad at you i'm not here to criticize me i'm just saying it's it's great to fuck listen man the whole comedy game is to get out of your comfort zone and to go rock another neighborhood yeah Thursday night is my favorite night because it's do and die yeah i love Thursdays gladiator me believe i'm russell grow right i'm going into that fucking thing and i'm going to go fucking oh my god i'm getting high as fuck i'm starting to get anxiety i'm hearing noises and shit yeah i'm hearing pink floyd us and them for some reasons one of these russians in the building having on i love it what's been going on for a while for you what you hear us and them or dark side of the moon i don't know what time i'm here all right we'll just sit there meditate for

10 more minutes we'll get you out of here an unspecified song is going on in lee's head right now i love stand up and if you're thinking about it or you're doing it man it's a fucking journey yep and listen i wish you luck i wish you do get seen at the new comic night and they take you to montreal and give you a half a million dollars but the beauty of it is the 10 12 13 years when you put into it and you're like now i got 13 years in this i'm invested i might as well go for 20 yeah and you still become that much better you become that much better but you know you're still shitty like in the back of my mind when i stop and i can't imagine if i'm having no sats like i just heard the cd i did in dc uh-huh not badly i sent it over here and listen to it yeah you don't care

i didn't i send you two copies when i was in dc and you were in toronto to tell me you didn't get i listened to them but they're like three seconds long yeah fuck look it wasn't a whole track no but i'll send you the new track but i listened to it i was like i can't believe that's me yeah right i can't believe that was me exactly yeah but then i'm like you know 20 fucking years i should have 22 cds out i'm the one that fucked up with doing all the blow and not doing it the right way all these years you know yeah what are you gonna fucking do you're gonna keep going that's what you're gonna do yeah no no no man and you're working with me the night before yeah it's giving an yeah yeah two shows i don't know what the date is november 20 something just be prepared to rock

yeah i'm ready two wednesday night show stars of death lisa yat with the fucking do a little dog bark for your uncle jerry you should make that a clip all right let me talk to you fucking people here for me you got these sheets for your uncle joey i got a fucking email i fucked up something happened what the fuck did they say to me or something people always fucking tormenting my life all right i always get yelled at for shit like that all right for starters you don't meet dog honor dot com tremendous they're my bread and butter i was telling somebody i took the the what's the the one with the mushrooms in it the the shroom tag shroom tag sport and i had too much air i couldn't breathe i thought i was getting a heart attack i was blowing up like a

fucking balloon that's how good shroom tech is that i was getting too much air the sport the immune is what i live on that's why lee got sick and i never get sick when i fly because i take two three four five amunes i take two more when i'm in the flight i drink water the whole fucking fly i don't touch nobody i bring the handy wipes i don't touch nothing everything is handy wipe down my hands everything you don't fuck around but anyway what i'm trying to say he's on it don't fuck around all right from the hemp force protein shake to the acai to the chocolate shake which is delicious the best chocolate in the market i just bought a chocolate protein just to switch it up a little bit it's supposed to be chocolate fudge it tastes like chocolate dick it was terrible i'm

going back to on it like a mother fuck go to honor dot com look at all the other line of supplements they have if you like something give it a shot i mean listen their main bread and butter alpha brain the new tropic this thing you don't like it you get your money back they don't even want the product back who does that add a little snot that's bothering me who takes care of you like that nobody cocksucker go to honor dot com and press in church boom and get 10 percent off your first order if you want to do the stare and get it every month and get it shipped to your house just call them down there and they'll ship it directly to your house and get an additional 10 percent all right you know why because that's how we roll let me tell you something you've been sitting there for a weekend

you don't know what to eat you're bored to pieces you end up eating shit you don't need to do that no more you know what nature box dot com is here to rescue nature box has the most nutritious delicious snacks out there with a seal you could eat a couple ounces and lock them up i'm talking about the what do you like the chocolate nom nom's i'm talking about the lentils oh my god the black and the the salt and pepper lentil beans are fucking delicious okay the what else you likely your barbecue the barbecue kernels yeah you do they put new product up on the website every day do me a favor go to nature box dot com look at the great selection of snacks they have you want one get a box on them ship right to your house on them who's better than that okay go to nature box

dot com and press in go to nature box dot com slash go to nature box dot com slash joey and don't press and dick just press that in and order five snacks don't put it in the box and send it right to your house once you get it you're gonna thank me on twitter because they're gonna be the tastiest snacks you've ever had in your life and late they ain't doing this forever so fucking chop chop all right go to nature box dot com right now and get the first box on them all right who's better than uncle joey hooking you up with snacks you do 22 fucking bonheads who's gonna be there nobody uncle joey's there with nature box to the rescue you know what i'm wearing right now not only do i have nature uh nature not only do i have me underwear on i also have me underwear

me underwear shorts on let me show you the fucking moment what are you giggling about retard oh check this out that's a beautiful man right there the city's fucking shorts right here yeah these are true you see how the nuts oh yeah how tight my shit is oh yeah and the nuts these are me undies for you i don't fuck around i wear them too i just don't sit here and say go to me undies dot com and get yourself a great pair on the way no i fucking don't i wear this shit okay i'm not some fucking half a mook from the other side that's just trying to fucking flip a buck i want you to be comfortable i want women to look at you and say look at that man's bulge i want men to look at you and go look at that woman's fucking monkey look at the way it looks in those me undy

fucking underwear that's what i fucking need from you you understand me so let me put it to you this way go to me undy's right right now they got a great selection of men and women underwear oh my god they have shorts they have cut off t-shirts they got hooded sweatshirts oh my god they got everything but do me a favor last time i didn't mention it go mention i said that's sorry to bother you the last ad you didn't mention the joey after the me undies dot com well i'm gonna mention it all right go to me on these dot com and press joey that's how i roll i want you to get the satisfaction guarantee i want you to have the best underwear the best shorts you could buy and you know what they are they're cool they're hip every time i every time i go to jiu-jitsu i wear those underwear they're my

favorite underwear to fucking work at them because i know everything's tucked taken care of and everything's cool they keep my nuts set cool they pull the moisture away from it i go have sex with somebody i can be confident you understand you go have sex and you know your balls stink like 10 dead fucking iranians yes that don't happen with me on these go to me on these dot com right now slash joey's and joey slash joey and get 20 off your first order and free shipping in canada and the united states that's how i roll people you understand me so i'm giving you an ad dot com i'm giving you a nature box dot com the first box is on them and me on these dot com slash joey for the most comfortable underwear and men's sportswear on the market today and they give me a 20 off and free shipping

that's me on these four year and that's how we fucking do it i want to thank matt my pleasure anytime full charge full charge full tron oh shit this is how we fucking you know on monday on the thursday i'm sorry i'm all fuck whatever day it is it feels right whatever day it is it feels right look at this i get hold a hotel celebrate our grand opening what fucking grand open i don't even know these people why would i fucking go to you celebrating your shit yeah what the fuck what are people going to your brand opening it's like i know people and shut up nobody i barely got my own fucking problems in the language you know what i'm saying yeah what's up lee what are you gonna do this weekend with that young boy joey i'm coming back sunday we're doing a special podcast

sunday night at eight o'clock well you'll be coming down from this edible around saturday nightly yeah probably running i don't know man we don't have that much planned to be honest when you're not gonna go to bicycles and go to marina the ray without helmets or something like that what do you want to do what's your girl got planned for you i know he's always got something nothing when's the fair next weekend you know the fair you're gonna work rent bicycles be careful no i don't rent bikes next you know fucking katlin johnny run off the road hit you and there you are getting hit by a transgender fucking that's how you're going out terrible way to die my brother thank you for coming on my pleasure my pleasure anytime i want to

chill fucking do to that i want no drama wanted somebody right and drop knowledge like you always do of course and you did it that's it that's all i need i don't want no fucking drama i don't need no celebrities we got family here the fuck is your problem yeah i don't have a problem you ready for the food truck mercy i can't go to the food truck yeah you can what's the matter i can't go in the public like this why not you have a cute little daughter i can't no you think she's gonna judge you she knows i judge me she knows her uncle lead and so she no i can't she wants to see her she won't know the difference just don't talk yeah i'll give you another piece you want a little piece no you want a little piece to go i'm good i'm good i got a lot at home i'm good all right

thank you i'm always offering me oh you know i'll take some you will get fuck yeah fuck yeah fuck yeah i'll give you a car i'll give you a hundred million good this will make you perfect i can get on lee's page get up to the lee's level no i'll call you man i'll be like you know where you were this afternoon i'm there right now bro you eat this tonight all right cool you'll be another fucking planet you understand that's where i want to be it'll be a little hard every once while i get a little tired of earth what is this shit why are we going lee why are we here i love you cocksucker stay black see you sunday night eight o'clock do we do we do we just forget that we were recording no i don't know nothing i don't know nothing about my body thank you joe we're just here

to i can tell people i love you guys have a great weekend oaky spooky what are you gonna be punky i love you guys clio my girls when am i gonna be this weekend no next weekend i'm going to new york soon no i'll be home the next couple weeks september 11th i'm doing a run through of the special set up at the ice house beautiful eight o'clock on friday september 11th the following week i'm in las vegas at the south point hotel in the following week i'm at gotham new york city friday saturday 1145 two shows in and out oh and i talked to the the guy at the south point if you want to if you want to go to the special tell them that you want to go when you're booking the room and you're gonna get your room for cheaper see i'm saying they're always taking care of you people

always trying to help you out ten bucks hey man you want to come out we're gonna have stars of debt when we get fucked up in las vegas old school by the time we leave we're gonna have leaf fucking 69 and with two dead hookers yeah one of my contract is you need a stretcher there at all times and you're gonna eat some strawberry shortcake oh god yeah oh you're already thinking about it i'm thinking you don't want to switch to another one what maybe maybe brownie maybe fucking brownie i want a brownie without weed like oh you know what i'm saying i'm gonna give a fuck about all the weed ruin brownie oh shut the fuck up i'm gonna eat some pieces shit brownie i'm just got almonds in it organic no they were raised in a cage i don't give a fuck if that thing

don't have 500 milligrams i'm sick of brownies what about chocolate put the fucking music on already please i love you cocksuckers have a great weekend stay black i got shit to do with people to see uh what's that music all right i gotta do the ants i'm so stoned right now i need this i need this man we need some too notice these shows ever don't forget to go to naturebox.com slash joey and sign up to get your sample box on them forget the vending machine and start snacking smarter with delicious treat like barbecue cow kernels go to naturebox.com slash joey that's naturebox.com slash joey go to meondies.com slash joey and get 20% off of their great men's and women's underwear they have shirts socks sweatshirts you're gonna get 20% off your first order

and free shipping in the united states and canada and go to un.com and you go to a church to get 10% off all the great optimization products boom that's how you advertise joey you know what just have phones back on dude uh They found a way to kill me, yet I was burned with stinging sweat Seems every path leads me to nowhere Wife and kids fell so fast Army green was no safe bet

A bullet screams to me from somewhere Yeah, they come to snuff the rooster Yeah, they come to snuff the rooster You know it ain't gonna die No, no, no No it ain't gonna die No, no, no No, no, no

No, no, no Yeah, they come to snuff the rooster Yeah, they come to snuff the rooster Yeah, you know it ain't gonna die No, no, no You know it ain't gonna die Walkin' tall, she ain't gunna land They spit on me in my homeland

No, yeah, send me pictures of my boy Got my pills, gets, keeps all that My body's breathing, his dying breath Oh God, please, won't you help me make it through? Yeah, they come to snuff the rooster Yeah, yeah Yeah, they come to snuff the rooster Yeah, you know it ain't gonna die

No, no, no You know it ain't gonna die Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh You