Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #313 - Kate Quigley

Episode Date: August 31, 2015

Kate Quigley, Comedian and host of "Under Cover" on Playboy TV, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: NextIssue.com/Joey for a free trial of the Magazine app Next Issue Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for five Hit E Cig's for $50 Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by using code word joeydiaz. They are also produce some of the best edibles on the market, Los Gummies Hermanos Recorded live on 08/24/15 Music:  War Pigs - Black Sabbath Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet Your Song - Elton John

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Nailed it life is also the makers of Los Gumi sermanos some of the best edibles on the market 250 milligrams. It'll definitely get the job done. You have to live in California. It's Los Gumi sermanos mailed it made by nailed it life and The show is brought to you by on it calm Go to on it calm and use code word church to get 10% off all the great optimization products Alphabrain new mood shumtec immune shumtec sport and strong bone. It's code word church to get 10% off Special edition the Lord's Day church of what's fucking happening now Lisa yet The talented Kate Quigley

Sunday night when I fucking around tonight stars briefer hands of doom No bikinis Fucking over This is how you start a week a little war pigs to get you right into your fucking He don't get confused August 30 The day the devil was beat up fucked in the ass rape lit on fire and buried in sea Kick that motherfucker little weak kick it kick it. Let us be let us he say what he got the fucking say, right? Oh

Shit, oh shit Generals gathered in there my say Are you fucking kidding me just like witches that black masses break out the chickens the devil's coming to dinner evil minds that plot destruction As good as it gets ladies and gentlemen the Lord is fucking spinning Quigley jumping up and down That's an hatred to mankind Grab that fucking bomb it's

What's up dog No, I'm not as upset as you are what a fuck you've been all weekend. I had a great weekend I went to the lawyer yesterday sure sure just for the day. Yeah, it's fun. I wasn't gonna do anything at home Walked around. Yeah, our buddy owns a burrito place down there Don don Carlos and we just went we had a burrito when you got some gelato walked around the cove. It was fun Come on. Yeah, look, what am I gonna do up here? I live in California might as well go down by the beach Today we watched a new show which actually you might like on Netflix. I'm sure everyone's hitting up narcos Have you heard about that? How is it? It's actually pretty fucking good

We've got like the three or four episodes of that and that's it man. Just had a fun weekend You got a little Sunday not today yesterday. I did no Sunday I'm not today Jews no son on Sunday. No son. I went I went to the mother-in-law's for dinner I was she cooked on it garlic shrimp. Oh, so good good shrimp. I should get those little smaller They're smaller, but they're good. I was out of a camp. No, I don't think I can you never fucking know these people This average is nowadays. I'll give you a little dollar shrimp. You gotta eat it next thing You know you're shitting while you're eating That's so hot. What's happening? You're sexy motherfucker. Hey quickly the talented. Thanks, Joey. Not much

I chilled all day. I just bet I was lazy as fuck. I sat around my house I feel actually I didn't even go to the gym, which I do every day. I really you go to the gym every day I do something or I like play volleyball or I play outside. I hike. Yeah, but nothing today What do you live Hollywood? I live in East Hollywood in Taitown. You know it. Yeah, like Hollywood in Western Western out there. Yeah, it's crazy over there But I like say he goes for dumplings over there and shit. Do you in Korea town not time town But yeah, there's good food in Korea town Taitown do actually I like that's why I like it Joey said I'm not allowed to eat there Because there's no straight cats walking around you have to look in those in those neighborhoods

You have to look for a straight cat. That's I know the foods authentic. Is that it? You know because if there's no straight cats, that's what they're cooking. That's what they cook. Oh my god That little white meat. That's hilarious. I haven't seen any cats cooking, but I'm gonna be lived over there I've lived there two and a half years about and how long have you lived in Los Angeles since oh six I moved here in 2006, but it kind of I didn't live here the whole time I moved here and then there was three years when I had this job where I used to emcee events actually for sports Illustrated and for NASCAR, so I used to travel and I would be like on the girl on stage basically like Interviewing athletes or drivers and like throwing t-shirts out to the audience. I did that for three years full-time on the road

It was super fun actually I met so many cool people like I'm not really a NASCAR fan But I love NASCAR fans because they're crazy so that time I spent on the road I got to meet so many like crazy drunk guys and their their wives NASCAR wives are the coolest women. Have you ever been to a NASCAR race? No, never never. It's insane because I used to I worked with Miller light And I was like on a NASCAR Miller light poster at the time and so I would go to all these events I would emcee and sign posters and you would think that you know wives wouldn't want their husbands like coming up to us and Hanging out and flirting but these wives would like shove their husbands at us and be like can he just touch your boob for a photo?

Can you just grab your I was like these women are fucking crazy, but I love them I was a lot how'd you get that job either LA or you're originally from Ohio from Ohio? No, did you start comedy in Ohio? No, I started doing improv when I was in college in Chicago I went to school in Chicago started doing improv there. I didn't start doing stand-up till I moved to LA in like 07 And what'd you go to school in Chicago? I went to this school called Roosevelt University It's like it's like a performing arts college downtown small and what's your major? I was an acting major I was a theater arts major in college I think it's so funny now for some reason looking back because at the time I was so serious about like dramatic

You know how theater people are they're very like intense about like being an actor and it's very like a fucking hat with a loop-de-loop Yeah, totally I will never forget my first day at Roosevelt because I got a scholarship there actually So when I went to audition for my scholarship, they give me a tour of the school and I'll never forget I walked in to this class that was happening. It was called vocal and physical prep It was like 20 actors like 20 kids Basically, they're playing music and the kids are blindfolded and it looked like an orgy They're all like crawling all over each other and like their hands are on each other like feeling each other's body

And I asked the teacher I go like what are they doing? And they were like they're getting in touch with their insides and I was like this is a college class Like this is what's gonna happen here. And she was like, yeah, this is one of the required courses sophomore year And I was like I'm going to this school like this is insane. So I went there, but now looking back I just find it hilarious because you go to Performing Arts High School I have those now like what the fuck is up with me. I don't even know what the fuck that was somebody told me out there Their daughter is transferring. I kind of did another charter performing. Yeah. Yeah, and I'm thinking to myself

It's like fame people running around jumping up and down the hallways and saying Breaking into dance. That's how my college was for sure. My high school. I did go to a I kind of did like my senior year of high school There was an option to like go into a Vocational theater arts program that was yeah, it was basically a whole bunch all the schools in the county came together and There was a theater arts program you could specialize in so I did that my senior year high school It was the only reason I graduated though I would never have made it through because I dropped out. I was so bored of school

I dropped out of high school actually and then I the only reason I went back was because they had that program I was like, alright, I guess I can make it through if I can be in there I took one fucking performing arts class all four years of high school into the performing arts My freshman year the teacher was a lesbian She was pretty fucking cool. She was short We fucked around like not fucking like we fucked around the class like we wanted that basically to fuck around and One day she goes, you know, I'm an assignment for you guys to pass you have to do an assignment This is this is not just jokes and shit. Yeah, you guys cracking jokes. You have to do something

Huh, you have to go up on stage and do a reading or do Shakespeare or do stand-up comedy I didn't know what the fuck to do And I said, okay, and I went up there and I put on shattered by the stones and I lip synced it and dance She gave me a fucking a and I blew the class up. I would love to see that now Jesus, you know, they don't tape know this But after he said this performing arts thing, I remember driving to the airport yesterday morning thinking of Where did I pick this shit up? Like where did this thing start in the sixth grade? We had this teacher named mr. LaVito and he used to have a wig and mr. LaVito all for years

You thought he was one of those he was a feminine guy, you know, yeah He was married and he had kids and he was just a speed heart of a guy So he was also part of the ecology club So if you were part of the ecology club, you left school at one o'clock You had options you had options on Friday. Yeah, so on Friday's you could leave at 12 But you had to go to Holy Rosary and take CCD Class which is set up there with a priest and he talks to you about the Catholic religion for two hours before confirmation Or you could be part of the ecology club

Or you could sit in the class with a bunch of dunces and LaVito would talk to you So I was part of the ecology class, but I was so fuck around with the veto state And one day he's like, you know, let's put some music on one of the girls. Let's put music on This is like a wild type independent class when we put music on and I went up on stage on the front of the class by the desk I just started singing Frankie Valley my eyes adored you right and that was it like every Friday what year this is 1975 I'm 12. I got to be 12 It just clicked for you. That was it. You were like, I love this. I love doing this. No, no But it was with music. Yeah, like I would just put music on and go up then sing Frankie Valley with music and people would clap and shit

And then I would switch it up to Michael Jackson. I think I put in a band with Dean LaPreet John Bendon is do Ray Canella who calls into the podcast today still So cool fucking he worked for sci-fi for 30 years break and Ellen quit and opened up his own sci-fi fucking YouTube channel So this is how far back we go the sixth grade these four morons That's awesome We used to go there play Beatles songs and just play over the beat like that was our band And one day we had like this big show and these girls came in and we started playing they're like cut like what the fuck guys You guys are in a band

You're playing something they just walked out and we fired the bass player and that was the end of our fucking band That's hilarious. It was his idea to put the fucking songs and that's so funny But that's I didn't know anything about performing arts. I didn't know I was performing I just thought that everybody did it, you know, I don't know nothing I don't paper doesn't seem like something you'd enjoy performing arts Like it like I know you act now but just knowing your personality and what you did in your younger days doesn't seem like you'd be going up for plays and In all that stuff. I like the acting. I really really do like the acting

But I don't like that party acting the breathing exercise. Well, that's the thing I was gonna say Yeah, four-year universities here on Santa Monica and you know, even acting classes. There's some acting classes in LA To the basically cults Totally just little little cults and a vana chubbock is the main main one. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I mean what she does over there is Like fucking brutality to kids It just shocks you because they're not tough skin like us. We have stand-up skin, right? Stand-up skin to have stand-up skin. You had to go through shit somewhere along the line So true. Hey that stand-up skin is a little thicker than acting skin. Oh for sure acting skin

They run around scared with stand-ups. You do not go fuck your mother. I got the club down the corner Outstanding that club until I get really funny. I'll still eat your fucking lunch. So stand-ups Skins a little thicker. These kids at this place on the island. She abuses them like they have to intern for free That the pay for classes, you know, she tells you when you're ready to audition Well, it's no like that's so funny It's so funny that you said that because I always say when I first moved to LA I wanted to act right and I used to go on auditions whatever and every once in a while I get something But it wasn't like going great and I started doing comedy and then I loved

Stand-up and I really just stopped caring about acting. I mean I still like enjoyed it But you go to auditions and you still fuck them up if you have yeah, yeah But I just didn't care like stand up became like I was like, oh, this is what I'm supposed to be doing This is what I love and then what happened is I did just did stand-up for a few years And I really kind of pretty much quit acting and then I started getting a lot of auditions because people would see me doing Stand-up and then when I started going to my auditions and completely not giving a fuck I swear to God. I started booking everything. I remember the first. I think it was the first sag job I booked actually I went in I wasn't supposed to have an audition that day my agent called me at the last minute

She's like, can you be there in like 15 minutes? I was like, I just left the gym I look like shit. It was supposed to be to play like a sexy college student I'm like, I'll go but and and the girl was supposed to have like a Jewish accent from Brooklyn or something It was totally the wrong role for me, right? I'm like, I mean, I'll go I'm right there I'll just swing by and do it. I took a headshot I wrote on the back of the headshot a couple credits with a sharpie and my phone number because I didn't even have a Resume on me and I went in and gave it to them. I was like, sorry I was at the gym

I didn't know about this and I read and I left and I got it and forever after that I would always go into auditions with that attitude which is just like I'd read over the lines a few times and give it My best shot, but I really just didn't care anymore because I care so much more about my stage time and down and now I do pretty I you almost always at least get a callback like it's so crazy interesting when you Make that transition and you you the stand-up skin helps you later on Stand-up skin and you could tell when you meet people and they're like, how this isn't going on great I don't know how long I'll make and they disappear and they pop up on Facebook. They're more and more in Kentucky And you could tell stand-up tough. It's a different, you know, I used to go to the first acting class

I went to was this guy on Monday nights Frank and he was on Gardner Gardner stages not downstairs, but on the side that this it's still there Monday nights Seven to nine and he was a great teacher, you know, he taught different shit I said fuck this shit because I couldn't sit there Monday nights and in the late 90s was the hottest stand-up night Oh, yeah, yeah, the last factory Latino night Yeah, the fucking improv was freaky Monday freaky Monday was a white show that turned into a black show Okay, so it's the eight from eight to eight thirty five white guys

When I'm at eight thirty five a strong white guy would go up. Yeah. Yeah, and then at 850 it became fucking You know depth jam. Yeah, and it was Off to chakras to Tucker. Yeah, all those guys and then the count but Monday nights And then what you strive to do in those days was to get a triple crown Like I would get the improv and then I would shoot over to the store and I would get Latino night The last fact I should into a strong one every six weeks. You got the improv the last factory Wow Yeah, and 805 and 820. Oh, are you kidding me? I'm out of there by nine o'clock I mean I could play all three clubs. So Frank used to get pissed. So he I stopped going to Frank, huh?

And then I hooked up with a black gay guy that had AIDS He was way towards the end. He was on Hollywood and Gower up that street Like if I'm from on Sunset instead of making a right if I'm going east instead of making a right towards the studios I make a left towards Hollywood Boulevard. He was in those little shacks And he had a couple guy and you're going in he'd be coughing on napkin. He was towards the end He had the age joke. This is not a fucking joke. He lowers prices 20 bucks an hour. He was fucking tremendous He was a great coach. That's a guy who coached me like my big big thing. I swear to God Where's that you know these people? I answered an ad like there was an I bet you did it was like a

Coach acting coach 35 bucks or something and I went to him a couple times and I hit it up with him And then he told me the truth. He goes I have AIDS it's and whatever I don't know if I'm gonna live but I was one of the best acting coach in this town in the 70s Blah blah blah and I was open-minded to him and then one day I call listen to how tough he was one day I called him at 9 30 I go I Got the biggest audition on my life. I'm gonna do this. He goes, you know, you're gonna do this You know fucking go and get some soup for me and then come to my house feed me the soup and I'll help you with the lines Oh, that was the Travolta movie that I almost got but then Travolta pulled out to do the Scientology movie

And then I went to Miami and I did a bunch of shit when I came back. I lost contact with the guy It was just a little black dude. You lost contact with him forever. You've never never never never I lost that I had I had a fucking thing of numbers and I had the car parked and the registration was expired and the car got towed And they wouldn't let me back in the car unless I had the registration title So I lost everything I went through his apartment. I mean, I'm one of those dudes I'm the type of guy that I go to your apartment knock on the door somebody had rented and they said he moved So I don't know if he was with his mother because he said he was thinking I'm moving with his mother Did you ever get your car back? No, wasn't really my car with somebody else. I don't give you somebody's car got towed

And you've never got it back is just gone the fuck you're the second person to tell me a story like that What the hell is that and Mayny gave Joshua for car because she was in love with him. She wanted to suck his dick So Josh Wolf said you borrow the fucking car So and many went to New York to work for some company in New York and many was a big hustler for Disney Then they fired it because she was half retarded and then she went to work for Fox as a talent Scott And then they fired it at two and then she went to work She did a project with the bangles of some band that I'd rather shoot myself don't listen to their music And that went under the tubes

So in this process she gave a car to Josh Wolf and Josh Wolf let me use it But the registration expired so I kept driving the car But these fucking ladies in Hollywood the ticket ladies would just give me a ticket. They were hunting me down They would give me tickets. I must add 10,000 tickets shot Oh, finally I was dating this little dirty stripper chick up here in Sherman way And I went up there to give her a stabbing and when I was taking a shower the car got towed Sorry to give her a stabbing and I got fucking I used to live in that car So in other words my apartment got towed so I had everything I owned in that car a

Headshots boxing gloves Resumes clothes everything from 1995 on do you think it's still in some impound lot somewhere? It was an it was over a fucking Gower for like a month or two. What's the one on God with that? It was there. This is 1998 1999 that car is still fucking that Holy shit, it's gonna cost more to get it out. It's not what it's worth It's like a time capsule. I would just love to open it like slips of money bucks and just see what you had in your car And I had shots boxing gloves. I probably had a coke mirror under the sea

rolling papers It was a great little car with great fucking that can we talk about living in your car because no shit I'm not kidding. I'm thinking about doing this because I have this idea. I Like camping we got love camping actually right and Hollywood is really expensive and you have to look really good in Hollywood to work on TV and Looking good is fucking expensive in this town And I just started thinking that maybe instead of rent that I just live in my car and camp like in Malibu or something And just a periscope the whole thing and just be like homeless in Hollywood

But then still keep up like all my usual things that I do like keep my gym membership going like keep going the same hairdresser in Beverly Hills I'm gonna look good if you're sleeping in a car. I thought it'd be the fun of the show is that I would call you I got SUVs like a Hyundai say I think I could make it work and I have a tent for five people I got an air mattress and I camped in national parks for 14 weeks one summer So like I'm really outdoorsy and I know how to cook on a fire And then I thought to like guys would think I'm low maintenance And then you know they might want to date me more because they'd be like oh this bitch can live outside And they'd be into that and I'm not kidding

I'm seriously thinking of doing it like my lease is up next month and I'm like why not do it for one month Wouldn't it be great you could get away with it here. I'm just yeah, I don't know Yeah, I feel fucking scared for you like I wouldn't sleep at night if I knew you're on a beach in Malibu I wouldn't be on the beach. I'd get a campsite at like a state park What's the closest state park around here? I think There's one in Malibu. It's called like Malibu Creek or something. Yeah, and they got a waiting list because everybody wants to live in fucking Malibu So you're fucked there the Palisades has one too the Palisades, okay So after all your sets and shit at night, right? You have to fucking drive to the Palisades

So your campsite get the fuck out but Joey then also sometimes I could crash on people's couches and Sometimes maybe I hook up with somebody and I sleep at his house I know that never happens, but in my in this fantasy that happens all the time And then I'd periscope the whole show I could get sponsors, you know Like I could get like camping companies that like maybe REI would sponsor me or something I'd be lost your fucking do you have a gun a Squirt I have a squirt gun that looks so real. That's not gonna fucking work. You squirt with a squirt gun I'm gonna even get double pissed at you. It looks real. I keep it in my nightstand in case someone breaks in

Fucked up but it'd be Somebody jerked off in that thing and squirted you fucking drove around squirting you didn't even know how fun is that? I would love to do something like that Ice cream, you know the fucking though the best part of it is that I keep my fake gun in my nightstand right next to this purple Vibrator that I have and I always imagine that like an intruder breaks in I accidentally grab the wrong thing But then I figure like that actually if a girl grabbed a vibrator and like waved that at you when you broke And you probably be more freaked out and you probably leave Dude thinks he was like psycho. You know like what the fuck is going on? I came to

She's pulling the vibrate out and fuck it. He just broke my train of thought that's what what happened Being a homeless and like periscope. I'm trying to figure out how but there's a right There are a lot of people here who do the RV thing and I think it's really interesting. It's very interesting I would if I do it did it. I wouldn't do it north Hudson North Hollywood Park Yeah, I do it at a fucking beach. That's what I'm saying sleep on the beach and think about it You just get someone to give you an RV for a month. Yeah, you're playing this out, but I mean you wouldn't be homeless Yeah, I wanted to be homeless for real and I think it would be so funny Imagine like last night I went out for girls night with my friend and we like dressed up on purpose because we wanted to like go out and

Meet guys how funny would it be to like do all of that? But still be homeless but have like hot dresses and heels and makeup But be living you know disadvantages because I know you too. What happens if you can't wash your monkey for 12 hours That's got some wind to it. What are you gonna do that? What happens if you meet Johnny homeless and now your monkey smells homeless? What are you gonna do it wouldn't because I would keep my gym membership and I would shower at the gym Yeah, but the gym is fucking 10 miles away. So what are you gonna do if Johnny's on the spot right now? I am put some water in that cat

Go to the beach So I don't I haven't I haven't thought that yeah, I think all this shit out because I was homeless So I fucking know what it's I don't like being swellie and my ass no No, I like taking showers that I take a shit all that when you're fucking you. Yeah So when you're homeless you can't do that shit. Well, I was homeless I live two blocks from a gym. I had to piss out the window and shit out the window because they didn't have a shower there What oh, yeah, where were you living in an office building over Josh Wolf's restaurant in Seattle? Oh lobo loco in 1995

So I paid 125 a month for the office and I would walk to the end they had a little bathroom no shower So I would piss out the thing and I would shit out the balcony or I would walk two blocks and go to the gym And I took two showers a day wait wait, and I also worked out like a motherfucker because they didn't have a bath You said that they had a bathroom like a pisser. So why do you just shit in the pisser? I don't know why I think I liked it I don't like shitting out the window is what we just found out questions. You just like shitting out windows Do you still do that? No, no, I'm an adult I'd be afraid that I was gonna fall out every time you tell that story. I was just imagining falling out a window as You're shitting yourself. I just think that I mean

You're right. Some of it would be complicated But for the most part I don't think it'd be that bad and if a guy say you are gonna hook up with someone You're not gonna do it in your car You're gonna go back to their place and then you just you know real quick like I use your bathroom freshen up Will you hook up with a homeless guy? I have I Mean I I kind of dated a homeless guy for a little while. Are you fucking? Well, I mean just for like it was for just a couple weeks And where'd you pick him up on the corner bring him home give him a stab and drop him off on the corner

He wasn't homeless when I met him. He was living in an apartment and what happened and he got evicted like right after we met He got evicted and he had nowhere to live. So he was living in his car And so I just kind of would let him crash at my place, you know every once in a while and take a shower and stuff He's really hot and we had amazing sex But that goes a long way No, it doesn't No, how'd you get up with this? I just I just had this realization that might be coming off as crazy

Eat some more star please He gave me he gave me a star with weed in it I'm the star of death the star of death I really want to talk to those RV people like because they'll park next to each other I want to know what like there's one over here about on oxnard with the Across from the Macy's and they had like a whole family. There is yeah up here Yeah, and it's like they have kids in it and it's just like they live in different locations and they move at night Yeah, or they move in the daytime. There is no whole park in the daytime and they set chairs out there when I go

Then do kettlebells. I'll see people out there. They say, you know, I listen man If I didn't have my wife I used to have a girlfriend and she was cheapest fuck And she figured out having an RV one day and I'll tell you what it wasn't a bad deal She lived in a park that catered to that So you move into these parks and you pay like 400 a month. They got swimming pools and gyms. Yes, and supermarkets and movie theaters I know it's fucking amazing. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't fucking believe it Well, that's what she lived in Renton Renton, Washington And I used to stay up there where there was a hike from Seattle, but once I went up there

I would stay up there for three days. I can get weed on the fucking reservation. It was awesome It's awesome. Let me tell you one summer. I did this tour, okay And I was it was for like the national parks And so the whole summer we camped because they gave us hotel per diem instead of using that We just camped the whole summer and we stayed in a lot of those places and it is Unbelievable and I just the reason that I think I would like it is because I remember being the least stressed out I ever was in my life I didn't have a whole bunch of clothes to go through every day to decide what to wear

I didn't have like, you know, when the sun went down I go to sleep when the sun came up. I'd wake up There was no like stress. I just felt really relaxed and I feel like maybe sometimes overwhelmed with my apartment I look at homeless guys sleeping on a bench in the park and sometimes I think that doesn't look that bad It just looks kind of relaxing Yeah, it's fucking crazy being homeless and sleeping outside, you know, when you go on the road and you're a comic There's nights that you fucking your bus lands in and I'll pass on Albany at four in the morning But the connecting bus to Buffalo doesn't come until seven in the morning And you're there with fucking homeless people outside and you sit there and you smoke your cigarette

But you're watching them. You're like, this is fucking interesting shit. It really is. I love talking to them Yeah It's fucked up to think about like every like it's what what if it's like a bad like a bad one like they just passed out and it's like That's how well again knowing like you don't have anywhere to go like that's the craziest part Well, the difference is there's homeless people who do it because they have to and then there's almost people who choose it Like I was in Moab, Utah And I met a guy who was like the most homeless looking guy I've ever seen and I remember asking him

I was like, where do you where do you live because it's so hot there? I was like you live under a bridge you have shade and he's like no, I love the sun I just love living outside like he just loved living outside like he chose it So I think the ones you see passed out are probably a little more like, you know, they're addicts and stuff So back to the conversation When did you get into comedy? Right, sorry. Um, so I started doing stand up in like 07 But I did it for about three years

And then I booked that gig where I was emceeing and then I left la for like three years and just was emceeing full time Which I wasn't really doing comedy at all But in a weird way I came back and I felt like when I got back to doing stand up I was much better. Just from being on stage all the time. Yeah, and then I've been back about three and a half years doing it I Saw you out a couple times But the fucking bikini things make me laugh And I didn't want you to I never

Didn't want you to think there's a big thing with me with women in comedy Like I like women in comedy. I really support women in comedy. I know when a woman is faking the funk And I know when a woman is doing comedy. I know when a woman comes into the comedy students I want somebody to write for me. You know suck your dick, you know, you just want to be a fucking star in two weeks Oh, it's fucking crazy. Yeah, it's crazy, but Uh, you know, I used to see the bikini things and I would just die because It was that funny. It's not a broad and a bikini. It's a broad and a bikini Who just doesn't give a fuck but to see the white people around her and all those little pictures

The one when you're dancing at the at the at the kid thing with some black eye And you're just jumping up and down was one of the funniest things I ever saw when you went and bought the printer Oh, it's fucking funny. Thanks. And then I would talk about you to people and I gotta tell you man You know when you go into the store and you see somebody you're like, you know what? Yeah, I see a couple funny things in reality. I'm just replacing that guy You know, I'm just replacing that guy, you know, when you see Noah Gonzalez, you know, he was replacing Angel Salazar You know, when you see different people when you saw Ralphie May He was replacing that big fat guy. He used to hang out at the comedy store

With the limos and that was crazy with the fucking southern hat. You ever see the picture of him in the back while or whatever You know, you see these people when I saw you and I saw you doing that stuff You reminded me I was a young felicia when I first met felicia And I caught you some night at the belly room. I went upstairs for something And I caught the last few minutes here and I remember telling josh wolf I go, you know that fucking girl cake wiggly. She's not just a fucking bikini that girl's fucking Funny you hustle You're out every night

You know, you're not blowing guys every fucking night, which I would hear about, you know Thank you And that takes a lot to be a woman comic You know, we had somebody in here a couple months ago. I told I know a girl georgia who I love from australia She used to be a comedian at the comedy store And she made a statement, you know, they were telling me all these women that get abused doing comedy how it's a boys game and blah, blah, blah Excuse me and she wrote You know, uh

That's why I quit comedy. You don't know what it's like to get sexually harassed every night And I thought about cake wiggly when I read that I go You get sexually harassed Every fucking night. I mean you get sexually harassed everywhere cake cake wiggly I love you to death, but if I would have met you 30 years ago, I would have asked you point blank Let's get a rocket coke. Let me put in your pussy Put that bikini to the side, you know what I'm saying because you don't look at women like that now I look at you

And like I said, I've been at the comedy store. I've seen comics come and go I've seen guys come and go But I know a woman when I know she's trying to pull a fucking quicky You know, they come into town They they think they have the they think I could do this. I could be uh, you know, natashla garrow I could be they never think about the work Yeah, and they come into town And they do this and this and you see them and they make a little hedge way

But they're sucking this guy's dick. They're sleeping with this guy and then you see him two years later and they're just fucking beat up Like they just beat up emotionally And they just disappear. Yeah I mean the thing is I don't know. Well, thank you. First of all, uh It is funny the sexual harassment thing. This is the thing. It does happen Every once in a while, it'll actually annoy me. But then I have to go. Well, I kind of bring it on myself I mean, I post these photos and stuff I can't there's a double standard if I'm like, oh my instagram, you know

One in every seven photos is me and a bikini and then I don't expect guy comics to here's the thing though Like I just started hearing about you a few months ago. I spent like with the periscope show And when I got here is about like girls in bikini. Yeah, you're gonna go look But even with your instagram photos It's kind of it's not super close up It's like there's girls out there who do periscope and it's just all boobs Which is great, but it's it's almost kind of You have a little dignity and that's why you're sitting there

But it's not about the bikini. It's it's it's a joke It's right It's supposed to be the reason they're like the way they are the bikini photos I do is for people that don't know what I do is I go into random places Where you shouldn't wear a bikini and I take photos of people's reactions. Basically like I did the church of Scientology or like a Cemetery whatever and there were no people in the cemetery actually that what I felt weird about but But the thing is that the point isn't for it to be sexy

What it was originally was just you know, I am not an ugly girl And so in my mind I was like, well, I want to pick up instagram followers, you know using some sexy photos But since I'm a comedian there needs to be a way that they're funny And so the whole in a bikini thing was just a way to try to kind of merge those things But when you look at the photos, I don't think they're sexy And like I know some guys do because it's a it's a bikini But what I love about those is I get more comments from girls Usually when I post those that think they're so funny which I love like everything I do

I always I don't guys are easy to get it's like you're a chick with tits guys will follow you anywhere But to get girls to like you that's really more what I care about But I have fun doing those and when it comes to stage and when it comes to like my stand-up The truth is I just have I'm a perfectionist and I love comedy, you know And I love watching comedy and like I want to be a great comic and so For me like getting on stage and putting in the work like it's work But it doesn't feel like work, you know, because it just I really like love doing it If I could get up three times a night, I would get up three times

I mean we all would get up three times a night But there's nothing better than when you put in the work and you can tell you're getting better and just feels awesome It's just uh You see so many people you come like I've been here 18 years and I've come across People who want somebody else to do the uh, what's that expression? Some people walk the walk other people want you to walk it for them You know, I never heard it sounds good one that they say on

Fucking the black dude with the piano the pimp. It takes a hard It's a hard it's it's hard out here for a pimp when you're trying to get the money for the rent Remember that talking about but I don't he says it in that movie some people like to walk the walks and people like other people to walk from You know at the store. I've met When I first got to the store, I was crazy. I was doing blow every night and I could pick out crazy checks And they come to the store. Yeah, I'm gonna do this. I wanted and you're sitting there going, you know Where where are you coming from now and they're attacking the career from the sexiness part? Yeah, and I go and I in my head. I go this chick is gonna make it. There was one asian girl in particular

One asian girl who I mean wanted it so bad, but she wouldn't go on stage And Like it was fucking crazy, right? What do you mean? Like she just I want to do stand up But I you know, you meet these fucking people but the women are really out of their minds There was was one blonde that used to come to the fucking comedy store and pull me inside and go you've got to fucking help me Like you've got to help me and I go, I don't know what to tell you. Where did you just come from? No, I gotta be a regular here. I gotta sign with three arts You know, I'm running out of fucking time, you know

And those people always creep me to fuck out. This chick was crazy I mean, I'm crazy, but not like not like desperado No, but the thing is that I mean for me when my stand up turned a corner when I felt it turned a corner Is when I just started having fun That's it That's it. You know, because I remember at the beginning getting on stage and you're like I have to be funny And my jokes have to be good and someone might see me that likes me Whatever and I remember one night that I got on stage and I was just really fucking tired

And I really didn't feel like going up and I it was kind of I felt like it was kind of almost like I threw it away But I had so much fun. I just didn't care. I went up. It's kind of like what I was talking about with acting It's not that I don't care, but it's like when you don't care so much about the audience reaction You're like, I think this shit is funny. I'm just gonna have fun up here Then they like you then they think you're funny and then that's when for me it like turned a corner I was like, oh This is just I'm gonna just have fun up here. I'm just having fun up here And the more I try to have fun on stage the funnier my shit gets, you know

Kate I understand this a lot. Maybe some people home understand this sometimes you go for an audition and You have to have sheets in your hand You know and I was good I always knew how to take an audition go to the first one And then while I was doing the first one, I would write the notes for the second one Because I wanted the second audition to be different and better So when I would go on for my first audition, I already knew what I was going to do in the callback

You understand me? That's how I set my shit up. So they're like this motherfucker Came in with two different fucking reads both of them meaning the point But what I would also do I would study these sheets and I remember going in in front of Maybe five fucking producers like the guy from drugstore cowboy the director gust fans and I remember going up in front of Oh my god, this oh Ruben Cannon with Wesley Snipes in the room for the movie fucking undisputed And meanwhile in the audition, this is what happened when I cared My fucking hand shaking from the nerves. Yeah, me too people at home

You don't have no idea what that's like when you care You're so right and you're going for broke and all of a sudden your hand will not stop fucking twitching And this piece of this annoying piece of paper you hear is what happens to you in front of your future Yeah, this is your future. You have these five people that are gonna decide enough and write the directors like listen if he's cracking In the audition what you're gonna do with Wesley Snipes is looking at him and there's hot cameras and it's two in the morning done You don't know how many movies I blew because I can't do much because in the back of my mind in the back of my psyche I put that this was it. This was for all the marbles. This was going to change my life

I stopped caring. Yep Once you stop that caring and then once you stop caring you learn how to formulate your six minutes comedy routine Into those auditions which now it becomes fucking lethal Because you're bringing in a weapon that nobody else is bringing in even if it's a drama Even if it's a fucking drama This time I go on for a drama and I won't get it because the comedy leaks through and they're like what? We can't bring this fucking hand. I do that too. Oh, yeah the comedy leaks through

But when you're really focused the comedy won't leak through You know your eyeball will be straight whatever fucking happens to my eye will be straight But that's what happens when you care Because you think this is the end all be all and it's really not it's about having fun And okay, the first time you read Your hand might twitch like that and then the director calms you down and says listen. Let's just have some fun here Fuck all that noise and then but Sometimes once your hand starts twitching then motherfuckers gonna twitch till you get to the car

It don't stop till you put your hand on the steering wheel. You're like fuck so true I'm glad it's not just me It's so true Oh god, it happens at stand up when I want to go out there and kill. I'm not gonna kill Give me two of those fucking stars And let me watch a fucking tv game a tv show before I go on stage and there's nobody talking to me And then three minutes before that somebody come into the room and annoy me And it's all over because I'm not feeling it because of the star and I'm not thinking about it. You're dead

It's once I think about going on stage and now I have to kill cbs's dad. This joke has to work You know that's Once they put that fucking pressure on you that sucks fucking dick right? Yeah, that's worse It sucks because that happens to like with that Barry Katz and when I said when I went like 11 interviews before I got like my Second job When you say like you can not you have to stop caring It's frustrating for people because either a they think they don't feel like they think they they're not caring But you can't like you can't force it and then be like when you're people going in for job interviews

You can't really not care until you already have a job. So it's it's hard it's hard to get to that point It all starts at your state of mind. Okay, so Okay, here it is. This is your office, Lee All right, and I got to come to your office and write my name on the fucking thing and then knock on the door And then you're gonna come out and get me when I'm not there breathing I'm fucking psyching myself up to come in here. It all starts at that door Doesn't even start when you sit down it all starts in there because if I come in Correctly and I sit down

Listen, man, you could smell it. Give a smell some on somebody You definitely know when the guy wants to fuck the guy's being nice Okay, you know when I was when I was a salesman they'd say don't Let people know you have to pay the rent. Yeah, totally. Okay. I don't know I'm not saying not that you go up to somebody go. Hi. I need to pay the rent this month. No It comes out through your body language. It comes out through your energy So sometimes it all starts at your energy in your head. I'm not gonna be nervous I'm gonna go in there and fuck this motherfucker. Fuck him. And if I don't get the job, I don't give a fuck

Yeah, I'll give a Frenchman's fuck if you tell yourself that before you go in there Then you might be a little bit more loose There's like a difference between wanting something and being like desperate for something like look you could want like you Then maybe there's a gig that you want so that's okay But I think what it is like for me, this is gonna sound so fucking cheesy But for me what it is is I'm really happy. I finally figured out what makes me happy in life And it's I don't base my happiness on whether or not I get this tv show or whether or not I get I don't even base my happiness on like my next day. I if I go on stage. I'm happy. I got to go on stage

I have fun on stage always and I'm happy when I get to go surfing. I found things outside of the business that make me happy So then I look at the business as a job and there's like parts of the career I'd like to have more than other parts of the career, but at the end of the day That's my job and that's one part of my life But there's all this other shit that makes me happy So if something happens and I lose that job that would suck, but I still have these other things I think so many people in show business are just like

So obsessed with whatever making it is that they just lose sight of everything else And that's why there's that desperation. It's like I'm gonna lose my apartment. I'm gonna lose my car I'm gonna you know, and I think that's why people care I think when you finally like find what makes you really happy outside of it That's when you start to be like, oh Well, I'd like to have that job. Hopefully I get it. Hopefully I get it, but if I don't I don't I'm gonna go see this You know, I still got in New York, you know at the end of september and knock them fucking dead This is all the part of my arsenal. No, I get all that stuff that that's

It all starts in your mind Because people could say they could smell the sense of urgency. They could smell your barracuda coming in If I come in here and I don't really it's like when you go to auditions For commercials They're looking for a chef and you actually see a guy that puts on a chef And the chef sure and you I try to bang him and you stab that motherfucker. You really want to stab him like you just lost I'd rather you come in here and do something that a chef would do like touch his nose Or touch their head. That's what they're looking for

Bring food and this shit that we're talking about runs in your whole life Kate how many times have you liked the guy you really liked this guy? And all of a sudden nothing's going on you take him home. I want him too bad Take him home You make out with him. It's okay. He goes. He doesn't call you you call him two days later. Now you're desperado Now this goes on and on then one day you go fuck this guy And all of a sudden he sees you out one night with a guy That you're not even banging

He just sees you with a guy and by the time you get home your phone is blowing up Because it's better to want than to have that's it sometimes just kind of say, you know what fuck this bitch And they're all over you. They're all over you. You're totally right. It's it's it's this applies to work This applies so annoying. I wish it didn't apply to men, but it does I'm the worst at that I always I always start out real cool. I play it real. I act like I don't I'm not that into it I don't care and then the second they pull away even like a smidge. I'm like, I gotta get him back I'm gonna and I go too far and then they don't want me anymore Where's Tony better that cocksucker won't you sit you want to go star? No, you sure?

Yeah, I think fours enough. What do you got to eat at the house? Uh, her mom gave me more shrimp. See I'm saying who takes care of you like uncle joey cocksucker How do you how are you involved in this because I know she gave you something to go Monday cocksuckers It's your day to get out there. It's a holiday week. Some people kind of retarded not you You're gonna catch these motherfuckers when they're down They're wrong. They're gonna potato salad and what they're gonna wear and you can't wear white after labor day You know what doesn't matter what you wear at the end of the week. They're all gonna suck your dick

And that's it. It's just that simple people Lee take that look off your face. You don't even got agile. You ate that bad fucking wholesale sushi you beneath I'm fine. I'm just really fucked. You give me so much. I gave you nothing. I gave you two little fucking stars Do you guys eat these stars every episode every we do something I really like these I gotta get some of you gonna finish it or one Do you know I've been eating bites of it every like 10 minutes It's like a little orphan. Well, you know, I don't do so I seriously in the last like six months I've only smoked weed like maybe three times But I want to learn I actually asked I saw ben glee the other night, you know, ben, right?

Ben's a great yeah I asked him if he would like take me to the weed store and teach me about the because I need something That's like a little bit of like a upper to help me concentrate, but they have that they'll just tell you there Oh, I don't have to take a comic with me They'll tell you what you know what the parents I don't know what to take and then I want a sleeping aid You need a little sleeping aids Yeah, you need a little in the kind of daytime little sativa to calm you down to flip it like when I was a kid There was a kid in my neighborhood

Who uh, lee and I bumped into a little crazy rich He used to jump off rubes and he got stabbed and shit Was the guy from chance the guy a chance they used to give him like speed when he was 12 because that would calm him down I think the same thing will work for you. You just your mind's everywhere. You're always thinking you're always working you just need something to slow you down to Organize your mind maybe a little more to slow you down. That's it. There's nothing wrong with you Yeah, out of row or not to me. Sometimes I feel like my brain is gonna explode. There's so much going on. Yeah, totally You know, I know you have insomnia too. You can't sleep once you go to bed

That's when the movie turns on and your head your life story turns on one in the morning You're right. You see yourself with Ben Affleck as his nanny and shit Next thing, you know, she fucking beats you I just know this shit I know but that's specifically that's amazing. That's what you have is a great compliment, man And I've heard it from a couple guys say that Not only is she really pretty but she's getting funny or she's fucking funny And then I see the other half of you. I see you out there hustling

I don't see you complaining on facebook a bitching about I went for an audition like I wanted me to suck his dick, you know, you know Listen all these people that suck the cosby's dick You know when cosby's offering you a drink it's like side control in jiu-jitsu You fucked up four steps ago You know what I'm saying? Oh my god, if cosby's offering you a drink You fucked up four steps ago. You didn't fuck up with the drink. Yeah four steps ago. What's the four? What's the first one back stress that mother fucker four step?

You know what the four step was when you even talked to that black lucifer When you were talking to that black Talk to bill cosby if he came up to you back before all this. Let me ask you a question Yeah, okay, half of them were in relationships half of them were married when it happens. What's rule number one? What's rule number one if a guy I like you. I love you to death. Okay, we go on the road I take you on the road to some you're never gonna go in my whole time room as much as course not I want to see you a little flying pussy. Thank you. I'm gonna go into your room. Okay You know, no, you're right little fucking things. You're right, okay

You know, if you call me in the morning go, Joe, you're not gonna believe this. I'm in the hospital I let some guy come up to my room to smoke pot. I love you and I'm gonna be there for you But after two days, I'm like, okay, can I talk to you for a second? Why was in your fucking room? Yeah, totally. Where'd you meet? Oh, I met him on the way to 7-Eleven. So, you know what? I should punch you in the fucking head because There's these things that you shouldn't, you know, you shouldn't fucking do If you're a married woman, what the fuck are you doing? I agree with you 100 you know, I feel uncomfortable. No, mr. Cosby. I'll see you next time. I gotta go

Yeah, I agree. So if you if he offered you a fucking cocktail a dick drink For you fucked up four steps ago It depends though if I was at a bar and and bill Cosby's sitting at the bar and I walk up to the bar to get a drink And he's like, oh, can I buy you a drink? I would totally take a drink then and have a talk with him Just because I would want to pick his brain about but then you're on time release because he's watching you You're on a 40 minute lapse. He's gonna try to get you out of there in 22 Right by the time he gets you to the car that's 30. Yeah, you'll pass on the way to the studio He picks you up your skirts half off. No way. What a surprise

Oh my god, I didn't know you wanted me to eat your pussy. If not, you wouldn't have pulled up your skirt I mean, right? No, you have a point I would never leave with a man if I know a guy's married. That's it for me I don't talk to him after that like the minute I know I just don't understand What you're doing the guys run and listen man. Yeah, everybody likes to flirt I like to flirt you like to you know, you you work on the bar. You got a flirt. Sure, you know everybody likes to flirt, but Everybody knows the time it gets shut off Right. Yeah, totally. And that's the other end of the fucking Cosby thing that I was thinking about man

He got to the point where he gave you a fucking drink. You know, if you're in my place, I'm giving you a drink That means you're going down jack. We were really established I gave you a line of coke. We know what time it was this and she's gonna get hairy later We got an ounce of blow here. Well, the girls they never said that like Well, some of them said that he was helping with acting and stuff, but get the fuck out But most of them probably would have had sex with him. Anyway, totally. I think that's the thing is that If you go back to a guy's apartment With the intention of having a drink you're planning to fuck that

I mean, there's no other reason to go back there. So they definitely that I think that he could have fucked I like you stop Cake don't fuck around. She goes. Now, you know, cake goes back to your house. It's him. What's that? What's remember the pretty women when she's trying to seduce richard? Yeah, I'm pretty when she's like, come on. Listen I'm a sure thing remember when she's right. That's the best part of the movie when she goes I mean, that's it. Sure thing. Who is going back to again? If a guy says to me like any time a guy says to me Do you want to go to my place? I just assume it means sex. That's what it means every time, right?

You go hold on. Let me go to the bathroom and let me go to the little girls when I'm freshen up Sex when they you take a pee you take a little sniff make sure the coast is clear. There's no problems There's no dingleberries hanging from the underwear. You know, one of the coast isn't clear Then you try to go back after and tell the guy listen. I gotta give you a rain check My grandmother just died. She had a story. I gotta go home and fucking that would never happen to me I keep my shit so quick. I'm obsessive. No, that's the same. That's what I'm saying. You have to be obsessive How you gonna be? How you gonna be homeless? Six seven hours. I do fine. No, you're not gonna be fine six seven hours

That shit develops. You got old condom juice in there. You know what I'm saying? No Joey That would happen now if that was gonna happen. I shower a lot I you know, I shower a couple times a day now I shower in the morning then after my workout sometimes again, and then sometimes even before but if you're homeless What are you gonna do when you shower campgrounds have showers? Are you gonna go back to the middle of the night like fucking uh

I would I think I could make this work one Cosby's victims You can't take a shower 11 o'clock at night in the campground. I come crawling. Why not because that's how you get stabbed and beat up I feel like this is gonna be you know, what's gonna be cool about this is if I do this And I and I make it and I come out looking the same as I went in You're gonna be really impressed and you're gonna I'm still impressed. You should come visit me at my campsite Let's go say you're gonna do a podcast from the homeless. I would not have you here if you don't impress me I know I love you because

I've just seen I've just seen the demise of women in comedy and I see the root And I see the root you're taking and it's on a fucking fine line, but I love it. You push the envelope It's not like you're out there. I'm hearing fucking stories and you're out there just Taking titty shots or whatever. You're out there fucking working. I mean you go to men rooms I see you in a lot of rooms that you gotta have balls. There's guys hanging around It's not like a library with a bunch of women with glasses and tattoos. Thank you. How creative they are. It's women's night Oh my god, it's so liberating drinking this tea. Get the fuck out of here. I'm at the fucking ha ha banging that with jack jr I gotta watch my drink. You go to the ha ha with jack jr. You gotta watch your drink

That's that's Cosby's nephews. Renee Garcia. Those are my dogs. Yeah, I guess tina. Look at you. Like, oh, shit I have drank. Oh, oh my god my brown backwards No, but you know what the thing is for me I think I think the reason I just fit in so well in comedy is because I was always a tomboy and I all my friends were always Doed always how's your relationship with your dad? You got brothers? I have bad daddy issues That's what you're trying to get. I have a brother and a little sister My dad, I mean he's still in my life But my parents split up when I was in fourth grade and my dad was pretty absent

like I'd see him maybe once a week, but a lot of times he'd blow it off and Um, it wasn't till I was a grown-up He kind of like started to really make an effort to be like a better father But now he's hilarious because now I think he's trying to overcompensate for that time because he's like overly supportive Like get this, you know, I have a show on playboy tv, right? My fucking dad calls me and is like, hey, I just wanted you to know I got the playboy channel just to watch your show. I ordered just I'm like This is the most disgusting thing you're to I don't want my dad of anyone to not watch the show

I don't want my dad watch it like I'm not naked in it, but the whole thing's about sex I'm talking about what I've tried and what I haven't tried and like My dad my biggest fear is like, you know My dad watching like some other show on the playboy channel with his dick in his hand and then like a commercial runs for my show And like suddenly I'm on the screen But he's so proud he has his friends over to watch the show friends and family they come over and he texts me And he's like, we're all watching your show and I just want to kill myself So embarrassing. Hey, man, it's a different type of pride. You're out here. They know you're doing it

You know, he was absent for a long time and you talk to him every day now No, I talk no, maybe like once or twice a week. We talk on the phone. I talk to my mom every day. I'm much closer with my mom Very nice. Do you feel bad about being out here because I just wanted to visit my mom And she's she's fine with me being here. This is what I'm gonna be for a while But like this is my my dad just visited them. I want to go see my mom and for a second I was like Is it am I being selfish by being out here? But I I think she's happy. What the fuck would she be doing for yoga falls? What the fuck would she be doing for yoga for? No, exactly

You don't know how many times I've gone on the road and I've walked into a small place and I've seen a girl It looks like Kate and I've wanted to reach over and say listen Pack your bags and get the fuck out of here. You have no idea what your future is Thank you. You're dating this fucking chubby guy behind the back of the bubba Who wants to you know, come on. Let me talk to you. Let me straighten you out You gotta go up that's so funny. I would see you in hollywood because you're wasting your time What are you gonna do here? You know bang a ups guy and have three kids. Yeah, he's gonna have to see you. They're gonna be the hot mommy at the pool

Take a chance. Columbus did go out to hollywood. Shake that ass. Let's see how we can you know what I'm saying Yes, I'm gonna have to five or six years if you don't like you meet a director and you move back to where the fuck you're from And you have a couple kids and At least you gave it a fucking college try. Yeah, I mean the thing is for me I when I was like six or seven years old I wanted to work on tv like I told my mom and I wanted her to move us to California and so like my whole life I talked about wanting to move to la So it was like the kind of thing where I mean my mom is and dad are super supportive. They want me to be here

I do I will say I do sometimes feel a little bad because my mom has lupus And so sometimes she she's pretty sick and I worry like I'm missing all this time with her but I know she wouldn't want me to be there because I wouldn't be happy So I mean no, I don't feel bad being out here What I don't know I like it's not it's not like an overall feeling but everyone's in a while I'll sit there and I'll talk to her be like she like when like when it's snowing and she she's shuffling at her own car I'm like, I'm not being an asshole, but no way. You're just smarter. Yeah I mean, I don't know. This is uh

This is a cool This is a really cool moving to la story But the reason I ended up moving out here is because I had a moment I was at a bar in Chicago. It's right out of college. I was working as like a jack daniels girl I think and I was at the bar and there's this old guy sitting on a stool He's probably like 75 years old We started talking and he asked me, you know, what do you want to do besides this and I was like Oh, I always wanted to work in show business. Like I want to act and

um, and the guy was like Why are you here? And I was like, well, Chicago's not a bad place. I mean, I got married. I was married at the time and I got a scholarship here And and the guy was like, you know, my whole life. I wanted to work in show business I always regret it. I never moved to Hollywood and then I got married. I had kids I bought a house and I was in debt and I never got to do it This old guy sitting on the stool and he's like, it's my one regret and I thought he was gonna cry He was so like wistful about it. Sure. And I went home that night. I said to my husband at the time

I was like, listen, I'm moving to LA. Like if you want to come, that's great. I have to do it I don't want to be 75 sitting on a bar stool. Like why didn't I ever go out there? And so he was like, okay when and I was like next week. I literally quit my job He stayed in Chicago. I packed my car and drove to la the next week for the husband He stayed there for like six months and he kind of worked And then he came out here and then we lived out here together for a couple years and then we split up Where is he now? He lives in New York City. He works in like fashion

Good. You still talk to him? Yeah, we're cool. Like we talk every few months actually it's I uh Don't get frustrated. I just can't believe it at times like I didn't listen to a lot of people but I listened to a lot of people like there was a select People that I listened to you mean about when I was growing up. I didn't have parents, you know So after I was like 16, I was out there on my own and there was people that

I just knew they had life experiences that I would listen to a lot of people I I didn't know what the fuck I wanted to be when I was 21. You're very fortunate I just knew I didn't want to stay there Like I'm like, I just don't want to fucking stay home Like New York is nice and I got this all to myself when I get drugs and I get machine guns But this isn't what I really want to fucking do. I didn't know I wanted to be in the entertainment business I like movies, you know, yeah And it's weird when I see Lee and the Agostino and I tell them things and

You know, they think I'm telling them like the torture But I'm telling them because nobody else will tell you these things like how lucky you are uh I did Ryan Sickler's Uh-huh the crab crab feast or when Ryan sickler was here Ryan sickler has a certain gift You know why because Ryan sickler lost his parents in an early age So he knows how to pick my mind that he took those stories out of me the first time but the chinese guy was shaking down and all that And we had a good laugh or last week he tapped into a part of my life

Where I had a hard time last weekly. I don't know if you noticed I was a little off last week I had a hard time with that like I thought about the next day like That was a some fucking tough 18 months Like I robbed this I it was like one story after the other Martin the fag The metal lands in beating up santa claus, you know, john lennon I was like and I went home and I really feel guilty about that part of my life all of a sudden But I don't know how I told my wife tonight. I said, you know what was bothering me last week From 1979 to 1984 I caused fucking havoc and I don't know how to fix it

I don't even know where to start and apologize like who to say hey Yeah, I'm really fucking sorry for my behavior Because I remember a thousand things I did there's gotta be a thousand that I fucking forgot that was just as fucking bad You know, that's crazy. So you want to apologize to everybody? No, I'm not saying apologize I just wouldn't know where to start to fix that part of my life But one thing I even though I was going through a hard time. I took advice from different people And I took good advice, you know, like I took the good good shit and I ran with it and You have to really take advice from all like older people will tell you fuck go for it

But you meet somebody who's old and they'll look you in the face and go hey, man You want to do something? It's done tomorrow, but no, no, no I don't want you to go and make a plan and tell me in 18 months. I'm talking about tomorrow. Yeah, this is the pressure It's like a silent pressure. You have to put on yourself. That's why I was doing that when I was going I went to something and I'm thinking of going to colorado But I'm gonna let my friends go out first and he's like, no, you're not you're going next week. You're going with them because If not, you procrastinate, right? That's what we do. We procrastinate, you know

We'll find every excuse not to do this or not to do that. I'm happy you took that guy's advice Me something in his tone something Just something, you know, I just remember just thinking I don't want to be that guy I don't just don't want to regret anything. I haven't done anything. I regret in life. I don't want to regret that You know, so how long had you been married at that point? Uh, I got married at 19. I met that guy. I was 24. I moved out here when I was 24. So, yeah Five years or four and a half years. I got married super young 19. Yeah, that's why that's my whole That's what like my whole stage act is about and my whole life is that I was married from 19 to 30

So pretty much like I married 11 years. I was married almost 11 years. Yeah Yeah, so all the stuff that you're supposed to do and like fuck up in your 20s like all that shit I'm doing it now never cheat on No, I never cheated on your world. You never cheated on it. You buy the books. I wanted to for like nine years But I never did but let me just tell you when I say like The whole time I was married actually I remember thinking Because my dad cheated on my mom and the whole time I was married. I remember thinking Oh my god, I have like my dad's impulse to cheat but like I'm I didn't want to cheat because I wanted to be loyal

So I was fighting it for like nine years and I love the guy so much. I still I love him so much So I thought that I'm just the kind of girl that would always have a wandering eye no matter who the guy was I just thought it was my nature and I didn't really realize until we split up that it wasn't that it was just because like Sexually I just wasn't ever it wasn't working for us. And so like it wasn't until I got with some more guys I was like, oh, I don't have a wandering eye. I just wasn't with the right person Like it was such a huge Like mind-blowing experience going through the divorce. It's like someone you've been divorced, right? It's terrible. It's like someone dies It's terrible. It's the hardest thing hands down. I've ever made the divorce. I'm like what was it a sad divorce?

Did you did you fight? Well, it was a sad divorce because I really we both really really love each other like we still do You know, we're best friends from when I met in my freshman year high school. It's for best friends But and there was no anger. There was no no one cheated You know, it wasn't like that. So it was really difficult But it just came to a point where we'd grown apart so much. We had super different interests I wanted to be here. He didn't I wanted to stand up like he wanted to work more in like marketing and other just He wanted to be in new york. I wanted it wasn't working and uh, and I think that almost made the divorce harder

The fact that we were still friends because I didn't hate him You know when you break up with someone because they cheat on you or they're awful to you It's hard, but at least it's like well, fuck that guy. He's an asshole. This guy was so great that it made it a lot harder actually Um, and it really wasn't till like honestly, I feel like about six six months ago that I really Like one day was like, I think I'm actually over it. I think the whole last like two years. I've been dating people Just as kind of like a band aid on the divorce like I really finally am now like, oh, I'm actually enjoying being single I'm happy. I feel good. I feel in control. I didn't really feel that for a long time No, once you get divorced it

It's like mourning somebody. Yeah, especially if you've been with them for a while My divorce wasn't as painful as people said it was when I got to the kid To the two year old at the time that it got. Oh, yeah, of course And then tempers raised and then you know, it wasn't as much the loving part So I got it In fact, I couldn't believe it Like she moved out and I thought I was gonna be really in the dumps and I really wasn't And I was in shock

Like I felt bad Like I was mad at myself for not missing her more when we first broke up, which is You're pissed but at the same time that's telling you something you weren't supposed to be with her so But I still mourned her It still threw me off my game like I could feel it now that's still fucked with me in different areas Yeah, and I was dating younger girls and I fucking hate it because I was 28

And all of a sudden I was hooking up with 21 year olds and there was fucking a huge gap for me I felt like I was 40 and they were 21 And there was a huge gap for me and I would giggle with them and whatever, but I don't know you do the same fucking me Yeah, this is bullshit. This is just not me these young chicks like this Well, why did you get married in 19? So funny so funny that you asked that because I always talk about this on stage too It's like the first thing everyone asks and I'm not really sure I mean, I think that you know, I was young. I loved him. He proposed

I remember thinking that if it's either marry him, you know when you're that young you think like well If I make this guy mad, I'm gonna lose him forever and we were best friends before he ever hooked up I remember the first time he kissed me being like, um, not really that attracted to him But now he kissed me. So if we aren't boyfriend girlfriend, he won't be my friend anymore I mean, I was like 18. I was like a kid when he proposed. I was like, oh, I guess I should say yes Or he'll break up with me and I love him So I married him I mean that was like really all the thought that went into it plus his parents were like very religious very conservative

And I wanted to move to start my career. I knew I wanted to work in show business I wanted to move and I knew we couldn't live together if we weren't married because his parents wouldn't be cool with it So there was just I mean, it wasn't like a grown-up going into a marriage And now the funny thing is I don't care about getting married ever again. Like you will you think? Yeah, you will because now I just feel like they're If I'm with someone committed and living with them, I don't know that I care. Why would you like? What do you think being married is?

good for other than the tax perks Peace of mind Yeah, for you You're a loyal broad. Yeah, I'm gonna go nowhere. You meet a guy that you really like and you're on the tv show and whatever You know what after nine years, you're just gonna get sick and tired of saying my boyfriend after eight years Oh, I see what you're gonna say. This is fuck. Where am I going? Yeah, and then He might be right. I was listen after my divorce. I was I'm old school Catholic You got one shot at this and once you fuck it up, you fuck it's embarrassing. You probably feel like somebody I was embarrassed

I've always told people me to the divorce for me meant failure Me too somewhere along the line. I failed. I fucking failed. This is about two people getting along Yeah, and nobody cheated and you treat me right and I treat you right There's no reason for us to go anywhere Maybe let's go somewhere and talk to a third party and we'll work on it We'll work on this when you just give up you failed And I don't give a fuck what society tells you at this point you failed you failed in human And and you fail for different reasons. I failed

Listen, if you don't take care of something in the beginning It's gonna bite you later on in the ass If you don't take care of that shit in the beginning you okay, she'll just love it I'll I'll do it for now. Yeah six years in both years are gonna go listen I do not like when you shit in this house. Yeah, it stinks up the fucking house You can't do it no more as a serious conversation That needs to be had just this little things that people don't know that I did with this girl To be honest here. I didn't really love her

Marriage lover. Yeah, that's not marriage lover. My wife now. I've marriage loved. I was with my wife in nine Fucking years the first one this one this one before you got married nine years She must have thought you were never gonna marry her. She actually said that and she went home And came back and I could tell when she went home. She got a little beat up Like a parents like nine years a brother got married the boy had a kid And I could tell when she got back something just wasn't up And here's a woman that when I did the longest yard and I wake up at 445 My football uniform was on the fucking thing. There'd be two eggs

And bacon baked potato. Yeah, and I said wait a second When am I gonna get this? Yeah, well, how does this work out? Well, you know, there's girlfriends There's Relationships there's people like Kate. It's 1245 Let me come over and then I do my thing for a week. Of course, and then you don't see me for a week Yeah, you live your life. That's cool. That's sure. Yeah, then there's the you know, the Boyfriend girlfriend you make your own car payment. I make my own you live your place. I live my own

And then there's the motherfucker that moves and this is Kate. I love you to death. Listen to me in favor Go pursue calmly. I got this But you only make nine bucks an hour. I got this And he gets an extra job and they work for you and they cover it But I already had that guy once so I know I don't think I'm ever gonna have that. Yeah, you I feel like you only get that one. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. If you wait for it Listen, if you wait for a fastball, it'll come my man's a fucking baseball fan here You wait for that fastball and you don't swing they gotta throw some curves again

They're gonna strike you out a few times But you're gonna get that he's gonna break down and throw that fastball at you Yeah, you're right and you always just stick it out. You never know man. You're a pretty girl I mean, I can't see you not hooking up with the right guy again You look up with some comedian and you go home and you know, I got a spot the store and he's a fucking Barney's Beanery Then it's not gonna fucking work. You know what I'm saying? No comics I feel like uh, I feel like I've said it so many times now that it's finally like out there No comics. No comics. No, but what's funny is um, I get messages all the time

Of course from comics that I don't know And they'll ask me out and the first thing I say is I'll just go. Hey, you know I don't date comics and it's hilarious because every comic is like, oh, I'm not a comic. I'm a writer Oh, I'm not a comic. I'm an actor. Oh, I'm not really. I don't really do stand up I mean I just I only do the improvs, but you never really see me like everybody It's just so funny how fast people are not comics. They're trying to sleep with a comic I won't do it. I can't do it and I don't want to either because it's too much Like the other night I went out with a guy who's not a comic. He's in the business

So he's in the business enough to like get it and like get what we do But it was kind of refreshing to not just like, you know talk about wait till you got one on account I couldn't do that. I kill myself. No, you wouldn't. This is why I'm saying you know why Because now it's something different because there's not gonna come a point. So you right now You're in love with comedy. Comedy is your fucking every thought You wake up in the morning. You think you're fucking squeaking is gonna load out of your monkey washing it and then getting on the stage You really do we were talking about the passion you fall in love with comedy You're there's a point of comedy that you fall in love with it becomes your grip for you to succeed

And it has to become your wife or your husband. Yeah, it has to you know, and you get Oh my god, people don't know that that third year in LA how you like okay I've been here. I've been there now. I gotta make different missions. I gotta get different plans And you know, I told Lee you don't know what it's like to cry yourself to sleep From wanting to be funny so bad like Wanting not even to be a star like that's bullshit. No just to get laughs That's it like you have no idea like how hard it is to get like if you get two laps in the set the first like I fucking suck I used to fucking have a hard time

Excuse me, but Sorry that fucking star of death is going through me. Shit It's uh You're gonna find the guy that's got you back Yeah, and that's what you're looking for. Listen, there's people that you date and then you break up you're young And years later you're like, why did I date that person that person didn't have my back Of course, yeah, we we fucked in the sex is great and she let people ice cubes in the pussy and you know We did this and we went to montreal together, but they didn't have my back once you meet somebody who's got your back. You're like

Yeah, you're right. I get you're right and now I can't let her go So when I married terry that was great for me. She was happy big smile on her face Not fucking three years later. She walks into my room. I told her the other day for the first time She walks into my room and she was gonna tell you something you knocked me out She was 40 fucking three years old the 44 when I knocked her up She was happy as shit guys She thought she was gonna leave this world not being a mom So the other day I told her listen before terry. I was with a chick

That had an abortion punch card. Oh my god. Are you for real this chick? If you looked at her she had an abortion I was with her for four years and never knocked her up Four years of unprotected sex and never so you thought you you couldn't get anyone pregnant I think that about myself. Yeah, I get that terry nine years. Yeah nine years nothing nothing no birth control Nothing nothing no birth not pull out even or no fuck pull out. I don't even feel it. I just sit there electrocuted Like somebody zapped me with one of those pig done. I just sit there. Yeah, that's right. That sounds right Whatever comes out comes out. Sometimes it comes out of my ass and it goes back. I don't even know no anymore. I'm an old man

But when she first came in the room and told me that And I said congratulations. I didn't get sad or nothing. I'm like she cheated on me Oh, of course. I didn't say nothing to her. I was like, listen, this is her hand She's gonna have to come out and say something eventually Like the first three days I walked around a little fucked up Yeah, for fucking eight and four for 12 years I'm gonna shoot my fucking loads And nobody's getting knocked up. I mean in horsewood

You know, so now you got to think oh no, dog. I'm a big fucking dude, you know Well an ounce is gonna come out. I coming here. It's gonna gurgle and shit. It's like oh my god It's like eight nine ten ounces of fucking milk shake juice and shit Oh my god, I wish that could be the name of your album. No shake juice and shit. It's gonna gurgle and shit Yeah, fuck it's gonna gurgle and shit But I I get that because I I you actually just freaked me out because I Never I've never been on birth control ever and I mean I use condoms with strangers But I never use them in relationships and I just assumed that I can't get pregnant now

I've just assumed I was barren, but here's the thing even when you don't drink you don't do drugs I drank a little smoke cigarettes. No, no, so I don't get it But I did I did for like three or four years in college But here's the thing is my whole life from when I was really young. I remember being like 13 14 I always had this feeling that I couldn't have kids my whole life I don't know if it's true But now I'm starting to think it's true because I've never gotten pregnant But now that you told me this story. I'm gonna go find out this week

Because I don't want a surprise You gotta go to yoga go to yoga. They'll knock you up They just knock you out automatically So what I was saying here before it's so weird that When I hooked up with my wife She was into the acting thing and then she started booking And then one day she came home and she goes I'm never doing this again. She bought she booked a billboard And like and she got some good dough too. Yeah, and she's like I'm not never doing that again. That was the worst thing

She hated it. She hated it. She hated acting. She fucking hates. She goes. I can't believe I was there for 16 hours Since six in the morning They ran out of water. It was like a shooting. She was a union principal. Sure. They ran out of water on this I mean, it was just one of those days. I know how this day of the month in july Sunscreen she had to get hit with water a thousand times, right? And she's like I'm never doing this thing. I'm not doing the auditions I'm not going to acting class So our home became something different It didn't become a home of two people talking about the same stupidity

90% of the stuff I do is to thwart what we do Because I know how bad it is when it's on your mind all day when you wake up and it's on your mind and you smoke a joint It's on your mind. Yeah after you have sex. It's on your mind and and a little comedy gets on your mind So after a while one day you're like, you know what for me to get better at comedy I have to step away from it. So I'm gonna, you know, do something where there's no comics Where nobody even knows. Yeah Where they don't talk to me about this shit. They talk to me about it's a pottery class in Crenshaw That's perfect because that's why I tell it's like bringing a phone into a gym. You're not accomplishing nothing

Yeah, leave the phone. You can't leave in the car the fucking phone will burn to death So you got to leave it like in your locker because then it's your hour It's not looking at the phone going. Oh my god. I gotta gotta now some any equations says I want to help you right In 20 minutes now It fucks with your workout. I always tell people that when you're creative, that's When I go when I get up and go to that gym in the morning when I'm doing jiu-jitsu and I'm helping puff I'm in my back. I'm thinking of the jokes. I should go the whole time. Yeah the whole fucking time It's opening me up. Yeah. Yeah, so it's just so weird how I always look for that

So I don't my mind and that's what I liked about Dating terry after like three years That now we have become a house. So now after like five years When somebody would make me an offer I would go to my wife and go listen. This is the offer. I got my wife. We don't know Yeah, and I go why and she go up blah blah blah and she was right But I wouldn't think about it that way if I had an actress wife I would have taken that fucking stupid job

And got fucked in the ass Because we got two whores living in the fucking house instead of one So do you understand that's why I didn't want somebody and I didn't I'm I'm I'm lying to you You know when I started dating terry she was doing she was a waitress and she was trying to act So but now that I have a I'm in a relationship where 90% of our conversation isn't I wanted to see John Lewis today and he didn't cast me and oh my god. Well, I had the worst day of my life too Fuck you. Yeah, you know, John Capurulo said that shame of walking the house when he was watching the sports center And getting in front of the tv and start going

My joke bombed And you're like Well, it's another joke. I said I said it this way, but then I didn't say this you're right It would be all you would talk it would just be all in conversation. Yeah. Yeah, you're right So even if you were the guy that's in the business. I say he's an agent It's still gonna go home to this chitchat. Eventually when they go, I don't want to fucking do this You're totally right. You know, can you imagine if paula was in this shit? No, it's great It's great. You go home and talk to her about law and her fucking dilemmas and

Opening up a gny spot for mexicans When you say god married in 19, like I think about how it would have Like I think about the girls I dated when I was and I like I thought I was in love with them And like if I like I never used condoms Like if I had gotten one of them pregnant It's just you get you get so lucky, but don't listen man. I could lie to you and tell you when I was 18 years old Because of the situation I had been in losing my mom and stuff. There was nothing I wanted to do more to get married at 18 There was a girl had my eye on I was just waiting to manipulate this girl

Oh fuck. Yeah, I love this girl with all my heart So that's how it was and I mean my stepsister same thing like her whole life. She just wanted to get married That's all she ever when she was little she just I remember her always saying like I can't wait to be a mom She just couldn't wait and then when she got married had kids That's it for her like that's that's fulfilling for her and that's I just thought that it was the way to do things Yeah, that's the way I was brought up that you meet somebody you love and I didn't I loved that

We were like in kind of a relationship But in the back of my mind, I'm like I like to hook up with her and get this party started Like I'm gonna get off and get out of this life. I don't want this life So I I could see why she got married in 1918. I could see it man. I know people were still married since high school Oh, no, I can see I'm just saying I'm thank god I didn't do it. It's crazy. It's fucking crazy And then to take her she's like a Catholic girl now I understand why you're so crazy Because they shut you down from 19 to 30. Those are your fucking. That's why I'm crazy now And that's also why I I suck at like general life because it's not just dating

I mean I talk about it with dating, but my ex god bless him. I swear to god Joey. He did everything he did Everything like he cooked he queened. He paid the bills He took care of like taxes like all the logistical stuff in life that you have to do I never Did it in my 20s. I didn't even know how to do laundry. I did laundry for the first time. I'm not kidding you like a month ago I'd never done laundry after the divorce. I was like, I don't know how to do this I would just take it to fluff and fold all the time and it's not like I was spoiled

It's not like growing up. I had to mow the lawn and clean the apartment and shit like that But my ex just took really good care of me. So it's been like seriously A 18 year old moving out for the first time has been like my experience the last three years and it's been insane I I mean, I wish sometimes that I just had video cameras like running all the time because I'm such a disaster But I'm starting to get it. I'm starting to like learn figure it all out. Do you want to throw it all away and be homeless? Well, yeah Because now I'm just like having fun now. I'm like, oh, I got this. So now what would be a good you're really good with the videos Thanks, you're really good with the videos

You know, you're out there and that's what these people understand. You have to be out there Especially today. Do you have all these weapons available to you? You have to use all of them or take three of them and be really good at two of them. Yeah people always It's I mean, look, it's not like I'm super successful in show business But I'm working in show business and people always ask me They're like, what, you know, what kind of tips would you have for someone that's new in Hollywood or whatever and I say The worst mistake you can make is to just sit and wait for someone to come Like your agent to call with an audition or sit and wait for anything like

Every job I've ever had in show business has come because I went out and like Got something myself like I made a video and sent it to someone they called me in for something else or I Even the playboy show the way that I originally got in the door at playboy is I sent them a bunch of photos Funny sexy photos with a letter that was like you guys should do a spread on like hot upcoming female comics That's like a funny spread and they brought me in for a meeting and they ended up being like, oh, you're so funny You should work for us and do sketches But like I've never gotten one job just sitting around waiting I keep as many balls in the air as I can

All the time like if I have a day off I shoot something every day I take one day a week now because kind of because of you Because we had a talk where you told me you do jujitsu and do this shit where nobody knows who you are And I was like that's a really good idea So I started going to venice once a week and playing volleyball with people that aren't in the business at all But other than that I don't ever take a day where I don't do like two or three things to put out on social media because Now in the world we live in you can build a fan base on social media and when you go do stand up on the road

They'll come no they will show up very loyal. Yeah You have a certain thing that you have to have to be successful in any fucking field And you have it and it's not your looks or you're very enthusiastic and it comes across like your enthusiasm is It motivates people motivates me sometimes your enthusiasm like fucking You know, if you really want to know what the fuck you have to do follow k And see what kates doing and then check with the fuck you're doing Like oh, what the fuck did I do today? This chick's got three pictures on on instagram

She's got fucking a picture her with a bikini on a fucking chinese restaurant order and take out You know Another picture I do and stand up last night another picture her in the car with eric mayer's and the fucking jewish guy glickman Going to a gig, you know Glickman's a hustler too that mother fucker. He don't sleep. That's a jew dog. Yeah old school Glickman that mother fucker don't sleep And you give him a topic and he'll write a show around it and sell that thing to the improv And if it fails it failed joey, but guess what we're going back in the august 24th with the jewish show

Yeah, we're hit with so many dresses up and that's what it takes glickman works harder than anyone. I know anybody And he is such a hustler, but the thing is he has more shit going on and let me tell you something I've never met anyone in my life who's connected to more people. It is on All you need to do is give glickman an idea dog and check back with him in 10 days It's so true. That's it. That's the type of jew he is. He don't fuck around He came on he came on my podcast one time one time as a guest He's like this is a really cool idea for a show. We should co-host it. I could do so much with this I'm like, okay cool. Yeah, whatever you want like within a month. Glickman's got us a network to be on

He's got the artwork done. He's got a live show, but he's crazy. He's crazy and that's The enthusiasm you need because even though you're not hiring Don't not hire for too long because I might fucking shut you down That's glickman's fire and glickman's doing this From an old perspective like you know what I'm saying like, okay, you don't want to hire me at nick of night Don't take too long. I'm the guy for here, but don't take too long because I'm doing shit Yeah, and in about 18 months, you know, we're not gonna have this conversation We're gonna be having a different conversation. How are you gonna pay me for this fucking idea?

And it's amazing how you have to at least I had to learn to focus it Like we had that talk a few months ago when I was doing uber like for a few weeks And you know, like if you if you put that time into like something for yourself You'd make way more money than I am sick and tired of people going I'm a photographer, but in the meantime, I'm waiting tables You know what you lost a battle with this fucking safety net You want to be a photographer? Let's start here. Go take pictures Put them on a fucking fly make 100 flies and go to every coffee shop

And pass them out 100 flies a day. I guarantee you'll get a call of that. That's it. That is I guarantee you'll get a call of that And you don't that that the effort you're putting for $8 an hour and picking up forks with dog hair and people breathing on your Shit, you put that into yourself for three weeks and at the end of three fucking weeks You'll be making a living and what you're doing. It might not be what you want to do at the time But closer, but you'll be closer. You might not be running the studio, but you'll be sweeping it And at least you got your foot through the fucking door. I never liked that thing Well, I and that's why our friend can never do a good podcast. I'll never have a career But the guy with the movie podcast because there was always a safety net

Listen that 20 hours a week you're selling insurance You could be doing a thousand things for yourself and in that month. Yeah, you're not gonna be able to eat for a month, bro But after that, you're gonna be making a living and and after that if you keep putting the hustle into what you're doing It's just gonna snowball. It just makes sense. It's just snowballs, man And you're gonna have a bad month, but you're not gonna go back to the waiting tables You're not gonna go back to waiting tables because that breaks you down even more Because now you're not living your dream at all Now you're not really living. Yeah, I'm after I took pictures of a dog on a mountain last week

Who gives a fuck we don't make a living bitch Right and that's what I like about you that you're very enthusiastic Most women depend on their tits most women depend on You know, you depend on your enthusiasm. I really like it and everything else is a cherry on the fucking sunday You have a nice body because you know, that's the way life works out and I'm hungry You hungry right now all the way. Well, not really. Oh hungry hungry. I mean, I'm just hungry all the time Hungry like in and out hungry. No, I mean, I'm hungry. We will walk you in and out. He knows everybody I love vending out. He's the fucking general manager by boxing in and out. That's so funny

Thomas the girl was on a radio show and he told the story about you knowing everybody at Burbank airport Did he just walking in knowing everybody got everybody at Burbank airport. That's my smuggling route. Let me give some shout outs That's hilarious. Okay. He wants to get the fuck out. No, not at all. My main man. Cody Wilson, alex castino allen hill Matthew knowing bobby sharon and crystal for coming out last night whoo-hee spooky for coming out last night david wilder albert jimenez urney laver david called jr. And my man

quarry ruck You bad motherfucker Start off the week with a tremendous shout out, but that's the truth. I've always said that because I did it for a long time I would make those excuses. Ah, I'm doing comedy But I'm doing this part time And that part time you could be writing jokes and making calls to get you into a comedy club Or a ride here and you're just wasting your fucking time And nowadays you never know what is going to be the thing that kind of breaks you or suddenly gets you a bunch of fans

And if you're at a if you're waiting tables when someone calls you for that thing I mean like I I don't know for me. I am obsessed with keeping my time open. So I always I try to find ways to make money Through social media now like it's you can do it, you know, if you find a good idea That's funny. You pick you you have like periscope, you know, you pick avenue You get on there. You build a following. You can make money now. You can get sponsors There's just so many ways now to like go around having like a job It's a clock in and out and a side gig and and for me

I love it because then you get a phone call just even come shoot a sketch that pays 75 bucks It pays almost nothing, but who cares because it's something you do I've had a couple of those that'll like go viral, you know, and I'll pick up a bunch of followers or something So I just feel like nowadays there's there's too many ways that if you are smart Oh, you can find a way to make money doing what you want. You really can't at least I don't know I think you can't even if I was going to drive a uber. You know what I would do I would periscope And I would find a way to make like driving an uber into a show

I wanted to do an uber last week with me and leo mere as lee's uber manager And we let lee pick people up as uber and we tape them like that show on hbo But then they have to sign releases and uber has to know we might get in trouble Why does uber have to know because uber eventually will fucking know that we're In the car with me and lee and we're picking up people and i'm this driving coach lee make a left But if they sign releases, who cares right the passengers Why have a tv show and then three years later uber shows up with a bill? Yeah, that's true. I think we could go to uber And just pick people up and then driving places and me and you together as a team

Why don't you just put a mustache on the front of your car and just grab people because they'll just think you're a lift 60 40, you know what I mean? How are you doing because i'm putting the deal together. That's hysterical That's a great idea. There's a grandma called you last weekend boss. Why didn't you because you're busy at the fucking game with mom You're probably eating fucking lizards Do you ever feel irritated because you have so many ideas you want to do I have so many things I want to do It like makes me tired thinking about it. And then I I can't stop It's endless the shit that's in my mind sometimes I know and then they all seem like such amazing great ideas. I have great jokes

After midnight, my jokes are brilliant. Then when I wake up in the morning, I look at them and I'm like, oh I fucking get up and open up like Thai tennis places and shit Like i'm always looking for the next hot thing, you know A sun tanning boot with a yoga spot next door or something Yeah, I have the same you snap out of your stupidity and you're like fuck this noise. I'm a comic We're fucking comics and the only way to become a really good comic is to commit and the more you fucking commit the more you get better You know when I see a comic and he's telling me listen, I'm thinking of directing a short That's the party's over for me. Yeah, you know, how did you become a director dog?

You barely do eight minutes at the store all of a sudden now you're a fucking director You know i'm a comic yeah, and I can sit here and tell lili let's do something We'll be producers never come to you with that shit. No i'm a comic I don't know about that of this shit. I don't want to be a mom a director's a director A guy's a director the same way you woke up when you were six at night six in the morning You wanted to be a director Yeah, you want to be a fucking actress when you're six you're like, you know what? I think I could be a director and you're feeling you grow with this shit that's happening now

People showing up. I got I got a thing last week. I got oh, I got a great package last week I got a package on gmail This is the movie. I did it's fucking tremendous the movie. I wrote as an academy award winner This is only needs joey dears. I look at the other thing. It's on vimeo. That's a giveaway right there You did nothing with this fucking movie a bunch of people yelling jumping up and down and shit But he sends me four emails in a row. This is it. I sent the package to the agent And oh, by the way, you have to put this audition on tape for me And I go before we do anything how much gi this is involved here because papa got miles to feed

I never heard from the guy again That's how quick because there's strokes. Yeah, everybody's a fucking director now. They got a camera. They do this Oh, I've seen pope friction. I've seen clerks. Who gives a fuck who gives a fuck about kevin smith Yeah, totally. He's a he's a fucking 80. He's a nineties director with nothing matters He ain't gonna go down into the sam white's mom and all those motherfuckers make that You're a little fucking confused for that bitches. What night does your show come on the playboy tv show? It's on a saturday nights at 10 p.m. Good for you. That's a good time. Yeah, it's a good time. I'm really proud of your good lady I know you work hard and I just want to introduce you to the audience

You're gonna be doing things and it's not because all your god-given talents Your enthusiasm is fucking You know, and I know I know what it's like to just wake up in the morning with your dick hard going I'm gonna go out there and fucking mangle somebody. That's exactly how I feel And then they start cutting your legs off and you lose and then you put you know, you learn how to Take your energy and you just flow at one or two things and what do you think lee? What do you got on agenda this week? You got flying you radio. You got fucking tank tops You got consulting businesses. This guy's got more business. Sammy the bogeyvano

I got all that. No. Yeah, I got a Bunch of stuff this weekend. You want to do another star? No, I did four stars. Why not? You didn't do four stars I did two four star broad. The other one was like one. No, let's see one more for fucking the jewish people It's monday pass over is right around the corner No, it's not one is pass over It's like april russia something's in september. Oh, those are the worst ones. Well, it's september Yeah, well in october. Yeah, no september is coming. Let's do the podcast. Let's do the sponsors and we'll get the fuck out of here Okay, real quick. I was down in Austin this week

on it is Blowing up guys right in front of all fucking faces and all started with this alpha brain earth grown new tropics alpha gpc AC 11 that's all great. I could break them down for you and tell you a bunch of fucking lies. I don't know Beautiful thing about alpha brain and makes you more focused But the best thing about it is There's got a hundred percent money back guarantee and we don't want the product back That's how good this motherfucking product is you understand me if you don't like alpha brain, they have the new mood

They got the the shroom tech sport the shroom strong bone if you want to fly Lee got sick. He didn't take the shroom tech immune. I flew today I'm tipped out my goon because I found two of those motherfuckers After I had two breakfast burritos at austin fucking airport next to the salt lake like a motherfucking Which it wasn't serving brisket at six to the motherfucking morning. Did he wait in line for? No, you just go out and take two fucking room. No, they had no barb the barbecue thing was open But there were serving eggs They weren't serving fucking the brisket with the whole thing. So I settled for the

The two potato cheese and egg breakfast burritos with a little hot salsa and a green fucking tea iced tea from lifting stop it I got on that plane like a soldier you understand me Then they tried to give me that death fucking cheese on it with that buvak with turkey get the fuck out of you I don't want that carbohydrate infused biscuit. They give you on american airlines and shit You're shitting blood for two days. Anyway, go to honet right go to honet.com right now. I'm pressing church church ch you are ch and you're 10 off Your first daughter and if you stay on it, you get their mail to your house every month

Directly to your door and they take an additional 10 off. Who's better than you? My head's itchy. That's a good son. It's like you're left hand Who's better than you you're thinking of smoking fucking you're thinking of going to a casino You want to smoke a little bit hittiesigs.com right now? They got cigars. They got fucking nicotine. Whatever the hell you need. You know what the best thing about hittiesig is 1200 guaranteed puffs like a motherfucker that'll outlast any hindu cigarette you buy at 7 11 Go to hittiesigs.com right now and get five for 50. You understand me get the cigar Get the 24 milligram to 16 to 8 to zero quit smoking or just look like a pimp while you're doing it

Go to hittiesigs.com and press in joey's church And get fucking five for 50 Who's better than you and listen you're thinking joey. How can we not smoke on vapors? You know, I'm not smoking vapors because I'm high on fucking edibles But if I was to be smoking vapors, I'd be with the nailed it life boys And so should you nailed it life one of the best vapor pens in the fucking business You understand me a tremendous product 100 money back guarantee something goes wrong with the call You call david a peter and they fucking hook you up like that

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irish princess fucking cake quickly. What kind of name is quickly? Thank you. It's irish irish I know the fuck you think you're dealing. I can smell not as broad when they close to me I swear to god, but that's all I dated for years. You can smell them. Oh, I love it. What do they smell like? Fucking, I don't know irish You smell that little freckled titties. It takes you to a different one I went to sacred heart school. I went and I played same Michael cyo all those girls collin mains All those girls. I love all those irish chicks dog. I love them that little pale skin and shit Tell them

Look though, I'm not well my my grandfather's native american So I'm a weird breed. That's why like my skin's kind of tan But I uh, I have the freckles my wife too. She's native american. Really? Yeah with irish But you're like you're like casino owner native america. Yeah, I wish I could sneak up on Most indians you can't sneak up on them. They're really an indian. You can't sneak up on an indian That's that that's that claim to fame you could have sneak up. You didn't know that lee I had no idea you could fucking be silent. You could be a feather and you can't sneak up on anything If they're real indian, they feel you in the room. They feel you know, I think I have that

Have you tested this out? Yeah, like if you tried to sneak up on an indian, yeah, it was an indian I think I have that. I feel it. You do? I feel people. I swear. I feel like sometimes I think it's a ghost Don't be a person Yeah, maybe you should go talk to the doctor about this out of all the shit Yeah, I think I need that Actually, yeah, um well tuesday night at the ontario improv. I actually have my own show out there. I'm brad Uh williams will be out there. It's called the hollywood pool party and then i'm in phoenix next weekend at the lav factory

With gene pompa and eric mayer. So totally everyone should come out. It's going to be such a good show Good fucking show. Look at you. See I want to tell you she's always trying to make a fucking buck Yep, what are you doing next week in cocksucker for labor day moral day, whatever they're going to the fair You all that's right. You got the tickets. You're gonna feel it get stabbed No bulletproof vest cocksucker. It's gonna be fun. All right. What are you gonna buy now that? I don't know. You don't know nothing. Do you what do you what should I buy at the fair? popcorn They guess what they have fucking fried

Watermelon it looks so gross Fried watermelon. I love the fair. That's so what fair the la fair Oh, I'm gonna miss that. Damn. No, it's going on for a while. Really? Yeah, I love carnies I just like talking to him, you know, oh carnies. Who's carney the carnival workers. Oh, Jesus. They're my favorite What is wrong with you? You never talk you got to go and you gotta just you're gonna get fucking cosby Just fucking those dirty motherfuckers Don't take out with them But that's what they do they dose you too and they take into the fucking house of pain whatever they got

And that's when you know, you're a fucking pregnant chick on a circus tour with a guy named tico That's what you should do and join the fair instead of being homeless This is when I should have known that I had daddy issues because one of the first guys I remember being like He's so hot was one of the you know the clowns that sit in the dunk tank and insult people until you hit them I remember like the insulting clown and I was like I was like 15 And I remember the insulting clown guy and being like He's so hot like he had clown makeup on but just because he was such an asshole and he was so mean

I was like, he's so hot I want to go out with him like I was super into him I should have known then that I was set up for a lifetime of problems with men You're fine. You're fine. Do you see a psychiatrist? No, no, you should. I probably should. No, fuck. No, you don't have no problems. They're all in your head Right Yeah, but she thinks she's got an issue with guys. She's got a little fucking issue I don't think I need to show you the issue. You're ready for the issue with guys when you see a guy that you like. You don't know

Oh, I always know it's just that they don't like me that you don't say what I'm saying if Because lately you've been picking some bad ones. Yeah, so right now your fucking compass is off. That's what that means So when you see a guy that you fucking want don't know I don't want to Can turn around. Oh say no go for the guy. No. No. I don't want you to say no. I didn't say no I want you to look at a guy and go that's my type and go no Because right now you're the kiss of death. You're picking poison. So we got to get your compass back

You're right. So I want you to go next time you go out to a bar. I want you to go up to a guy that you would never go up to in your life All right, check his hand out if he doesn't have a ring I'm gonna do it go to a guy that you would never go up to that guy I will never like whatever your type is. This is against your total opposite Total opposite if he's fat and you like skinny guys, right, you know, what are you laughing about Lee? Maybe she likes a little fat Jews. I'm getting you hooked up right All the chubby dudes are like you're just you're just like trying to like you hook it up for chubby Just go to any chubby dude

Any guy that he likes big guys can't like guys are the strong She likes those little everybody likes. How do you know because I could tell okay. You're a fucking classy woman You're not looking for you're looking for love and you're looking for somebody to take care of you Smack in the ass and tell you're a cocksucker. You're right about the end Make somebody eat But uh, you're also looking for a man to love you and care for you And that's that that the fucking women Women are a fucking puzzle to me that has always been like we don't want the guy that's right for us

As women we want the guy that beats us and steals the car and fucks my sister We want to get crabs from her yet. You want to fix them. It's so weird how Looking back now. I saw the choices that girls. I went to high school with made and I see who they were now Do you know what I'm saying? Like there was a particular high school that she was hot and she always wanted the guy That was 10 years old the one that that bitch ended up almost going to jail and with a kid And he's never talked to the fucking kid So what did she do she became a born again christian to take the taste of dick out of her mouth and move to florida And now she's with a guy that she would have been with in the beginning. Yeah, he's not john travolta

But he's not fucking ugly. You know And that's when you that's what I want you just one time next time you go do comey Whatever a guy that looks at you Just say can I buy you a drink just as an experiment? Yeah Yes, I'm gonna offer to I'm gonna offer to buy a drink for a guy would never normally All right, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it and I'm gonna report back Are you racially in back like you date any right national? Yeah, except, uh, I don't like blond For whatever reason just because they look like my they look we look too much alike, but anything else. Yeah

You're gonna end up with like a greek guy. You're gonna marry like a greek or an old school Italian guys I don't know. Yeah. Yeah, like a Mediterranean guy. You like Mediterranean guys. I like Mediterranean food Same difference. I haven't been with enough guys and I've only been with nine Oh 10 now, but what if there's like a Mexican dude with blonde hair? Will you go with him? Uh, no because that just sounds fucking awful What do you mean about like a guy from spain like a spanish? Yeah, for sure a good-looking spanish guy because dancing with the stars He's like blonde hamlet he's from spain and he speaks like oh, he's blonde. Yeah, like blue

I don't know. Probably not. I'm just not usually attracted. Maybe but probably not but spanish like raffae on the doll Yeah, who's raffae on the doll the tennis player. Oh, no, that is he's he's hot. He's spent I don't have a comment. You what? I don't have a comment. I never really understood how the hottest girls. I know Always have the toughest fucking problems with guys or they're so insecure about themselves that they're gonna get cheated on I never understood. I gotta start this. Yo, it's because the hottest girls You know are the hottest girls. You know because they're so insecure that they have to look hot all the time I'm speaking from an insecure girls standpoint. That's why they're the hottest girl because they put the most effort in Guys don't like girls that put effort in like that. We like you to have some flaws. Yeah, really? Sure. We don't want you to you know

Well, you're you're in luck guys who are listening because I have flaws I don't believe that's fucking false Yeah, no, I mean that's the thing though is that like I always say Being a hot girl. It's it's only a teeny bit of actual genetics and all the rest is money That's all it is anyone with money can be a hot girl. You get the right person training you you get a makeup artist Sephora you get the right hair extension. I mean anyone It's just having the money and then you know girls that aren't insecure don't care as much about being like super hot They probably spend their money on other things

Like traveling or I don't know books What do you think fuck though? We're gonna go home and eat that golly shrimp. What are you making over white rice? No, she gave me Mexican rice Mexican rice. What do you have to dessert tonight? I got pudding I think what type of pudding chocolate look at you. You're telling such a stoner. Oh, he's the man I love it. I got pudding. No pepperoni. Nothing like that That's not dessert. Whatever. I love you guys. Thank you for listening to the church tonight I want to thank Kate quickly. How can they find you? Thank you

Oh, you guys can follow me on twitter and instagram at Kate Q funny and you can follow my facebook page if you want There you go and lee I love you cocksucker. We'll be back wednesday afternoon Or wednesday night. We haven't decided yet Have a great day today monday go out there knock them dead. I'm fucking starving my stomach's growling jack I only ate a little bit of Cuban food my wife made tonight Come on, lee. What are you doing? This show is brought to you by onnet.com by who? Onnet.com beautiful Use code word church to get 10% off all the great optimization products like afro brain new moves from tech music tech sport

Shows also brought to you by the other life.com Follow the oil and wax smokers out there Go to the other life.com for the premier vapor pan on the market and use code word joe ideas to get 20% off And they're also makers of los gumis hermanos We have to live in california. They're great edibles Nailed their life.com and go to hit e six dot com Better tasting longer lasting the proof is in the vape. They have e cigarettes and e cigars Use code word joe's church to get five hit e six for $50

It's a little bit funny This feeling inside I'm not one of those who can easily hide Don't have much money, but boy if I did I'd buy a big house where we both could live If I was a sculptor But then again, no Or a man who makes potions in the

Traveling show I Know it's not much, but it's the best I can do My gift is my song And this one's for you And you can tell everybody This is your song It may be quite simple, but

Now that it's done I hope you don't mind. I hope you don't mind that I put down the words How wonderful life is while you're in the world I sat on the roof Kicked off the moss with you All the words said yes, well, they've got me quite cross But the sun's been quite bright While I wrote this song

It's for people like you that keep it turned on So excuse me for getting But these things I do To see I forgot if they're green or they're blue Anyway, the thing is what I really need Those are the sweetest guys I've ever seen And you can tell everybody This is your song

It may be quite simple, but Now that it's done I hope you don't mind. I hope you don't mind that I put down the words How wonderful life is while you're in the world I hope you don't mind. I hope you don't mind that I put down the words How wonderful life is while you're in the world You