Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #314 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: September 3, 2015

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio.   This podcast is brought to you by:   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   
NatureBox. Visit naturebox.com/joey for a free trial box.   MeUndies.com Go to meundies.com/joey for 20% off.   Recorded live on 09/02/2015.
   Music:
 Sweet Leaf - Black SabbathGin and Juice - Snoop Dogg

No, I don't want to have any more stars right now. All right, I guess it would help if I press broadcast This show is sponsored by nature box Nature box ships great tasting healthy snacks right to your door Forget the vending machine and start snacking smarter with healthy and delicious treats like dark cocoa almonds Support this podcast by going to nature box comm slash Joey and getting your first Sample box on them. That's right You're getting a sample box on them five bags of delicious Snacks like dark dark cocoa almonds and barbecue kettle kernels go to nature box comm slash Joey and get your first

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Optimization products alpha brain new mood from tech immune from tech sport Products like that. You get 10% off and use code word church Kick that motherfucker Lee We're going deep bitches Wednesday September 2nd The day the devil was fucking stabbed in the heart and then they spit in his mouth Then they ripped his fucking horns off and then God knows what else I fell asleep. Oh Shit

Break out the reefer break out the heroin the gorilla biscuits, whatever the fuck you got we're going deep today Labor Day weekend Who gives the Frenchman's fuck What's the story there fuck nuts Fuck nuts. What's going on with you today? Oh my god. I'm high as fuck. That's the point, you know, it's three o'clock We got a podcast. I am really have nothing crack a lacking tonight I'm gonna have to go find the setup here somewhere and that's it, you know, you might as well get the blood going I got to pick the baby up at 5 30. I'm more tuned up. I went to jiu-jitsu. I got beat up. How'd that go?

Terrible, you know me. I'm terrible, but I go I get choked. I got punched in the head today by mistake You got punched in the head. Sure. How but the guy went to do a move and he clocked me. What are you gonna do? Okay, he's a good dude What's up with you? You looking good? You got a little suntan that fucking joint I smoked with you Got your red in the face. I like oh my god. I thought I had a hash in it again No, I got everything else in there. It's some fucking Chinese opium. I got everything. No, I'm doing really good, man. I uh, I Just it's been really formal working on the special. So it's just it's um Like that's why I when I first contact you do icon like I grew up in Boston. I went to a few comedy shows, but most of my

Interaction with it is watching specials. So now Going through because we've done two CDs and it's that's but that's fun But a special is just it's something different. It's just it You know, I don't know that just and sometimes it doesn't work like there are specials that I think are better CDs But when a special works, it's it's fun to watch. Listen how you get hooked on comedy is by a good special Yeah, you know everything goes right I'm nervous, but I've been doing it for 20 years. I'm a professional What are you nervous about just just the whole thing

But not really because I was and I thought about it and I wrote a little bit just online and look at it later on and not When you do the work You should have no problems. The only time you're nervous is when you don't do the work when you know you haven't done the work I do the work. I write, you know, I'm writing this thing for Ari's show that would tape and I always got a great line I'm this is not how I heard that on this is less podcast. He is like right. Yeah, Gabriel's doing this. Yeah I'm Rogan's back again. It's gonna be kick ass. So you got a show, but a fucking great story, you know So you gotta figure stuff out. So from writing that story. I'm writing material I put little sections in the book. So I'm writing three things at once with the focus on the special

What's the specials done? It's Ari's thing and then it's the book finishing up the book Hopefully get Gordon going. Oh, I'm just embarrassed to send him anything at this point because You look at what you're writing. You're so critical of yourself. I'm critical of everything of myself You know, that's why I don't look at Video or listen to CDs or something and what I put when I do listen to a taping I do learn something about what I just did on stage. So it is very beneficial. It's just I'm scared You know, I do you think you would change the way you do comedy cuz you fuck Yeah, I'd be I've elevated to a different level if I listen to my sets every night if I remember to tape them

Go home. Listen to them. Listen to how I said that thing You change the way you do your set every night because I'm talking more on because I don't listen to the one that works If I were to listen to if I go home and listen to a set even though everything else sucks I try a new joke when I say this certain way I'll say it like that every night if I remember how to say it if I listen to how I say it I just don't do that These next two weeks. I have to do that. Okay. It pays to do that. I listened to what I did in DC And that got me going a little bit. So from there you could write a little bit even though I don't like listening to my voice

You know, I don't like listening to myself on a fucking podcast or none. That's not my bag I'm like watching myself on TV. I don't like none of that shit You know, it just doesn't look like a sick sick feeling in your stomach or something or just doesn't feel right It's something that you're not supposed to do it feel and then I always didn't say nothing nobody about this But I watched the pirate of the Caribbean and let him in one night and he was telling let him in the same thing They were talking about dailies and he goes, I don't look at dailies. Let him is like, what do you mean? You don't look at that as he goes once I shoot it. I'm fucking done. Who's the whole am I talking about Johnny Depp Johnny Depp Listen, if Johnny Depp don't want to look at himself and he looks that good

What may you know saying like if he doesn't want to look at himself. How do you think I fucking feel? Johnny Depp is beautiful at least when he shoots fucking films and shit if he doesn't want to look at himself How do you think I feel but wouldn't wouldn't the argument be that you're like you're a good comic So it's not like some comics to be like boy suck. You're listening to stuff that's making people laugh So it's not bad. There's just something about oh, no, I totally I had a friend once when I first moved to LA I got invited to a Super Bowl party And there was a bunch of fucking morons there pretending to be industry people I didn't know no better I still kept my mouth shut. I didn't say nothing. I just went and watched

There was a couple comedians there but at halftime in this in front of all these fake industry people This guy had the balls to throw a demo reel in now I Could see if you in the outlaw Josie Wales the mechanic Fucking you know five Academy of board movies. I'd walk with that CD in my back pocket when people ask who the fuck am I? I throw that shit on who the fuck of mine. Let me tell you what I did with my TV with you, too Yeah, with a TV with a fucking thing on the screen This guy, you know, I don't know what he was thinking not to mention. He was a bad comic at the time. He was young

He throws this fucking reel in And he's got this big smile on his face like he's about to change the world And it was like to make it even worse. It was like a 16 minute one Oh my god, we're at least throw a three minute one in and people tolerate it like a Superbowl commercial This fucking guys was 16 minutes and right in front of them Like people watched it for a minute and then people started turning away And I felt bad for him, but at the same time I was like, what the fuck are you thinking? Do you think he's just stupid like no, yeah, he's fucking stupid

Could it be that he's just so vain well that too. He's stupidly fucking vain. Yeah, whatever the fuck makes you go 16 minutes. Those are the first executives to hear that for 16 minutes And it wasn't good it was you know, it was like short films and he had done like films with his friends Even if it was fucking and he had a piece of him party of five Not even with Scott Wolf and the stars like fucking doing something that was it that was his reel the rest was and Listen at the time. What the fuck was I to talk? I didn't dick I had nothing but I had more sense than to bring a fucking reel in and pop in a Superbowl Was it his house? No, no, yes. Yes Lee. He went up to the host

He let me put this in Lee everyone love this no Lee. You're my brother. He didn't even ask the house He just drew the VHS tape man And everybody was like what is this and he goes this is my demo real and you could feel He came killin the room like it's Sunday It's the Superbowl and this is what you're deciding to fucking do to him I'm surprised people didn't just leave I was so fucking embarrassed for him But I learned a lesson that day like I I I couldn't believe I would never dream of doing anything like that I would never dream of going up to a reel and giving it to somebody. You know how many fucking people give me reels

Yeah, if I could do some time here. I'm trying to get in the fucking movie I need my insurance next year and these motherfuckers come up to me asking me do you have a fight? Can I give you my reel and I'm gonna do your fucking reel and a reel isn't even necessarily entertaining like it's just little clips And it could be like a good part of the scene. I guess clips are great. Yeah, but reels are great I was looking at Ed Quinn's reel. I mean there's some actors that have fucking You don't even know who the fuck they are and they've been in ten huge movies with Denzel You know, they're just regular actors. His reel is I got a couple friends that they're fucking real like they're not comics They're fucking actors like Emilio. You know what Emilio's reel must look like Jesus Jesus

Well, it's impressive, but it's it's like not for entertainment. It's not like people No, no, no, I see what you're saying. No, no, no. Yeah, that's what I'm saying But who would throw a fucking video of themselves exactly like a five-year-old fucking Superbowl and Lee I would never dream of doing something like that I would never dream of putting on a tape in front of you and my wife I get embarrassed unless I really fucking know you and I really love you and you've been there for 15 years telling me along the way And you ask I think you would be like, hey, do you mind watching people came over the house? I said, do you have Marin? I heard you on Marin somebody came over and I put it on for them the first and I walked out of the room

Really? I mean I walk. Oh, yeah, I go in the kitchen. I don't want to see myself on TV Those premieres and all that shit Listen, I did You know years ago like before 2006 before everybody went broke in Hollywood and they became cheap You know years ago all the car all the agencies had Christmas parties, right? I mean Well, they serve in caviar and people fucking flying in the air with firecrackers in their assholes No, but it was just small agencies with some cold cuts. Maybe a cake all that's been taken away Agencies used to send you Christmas cards. Nobody sends me fucking Christmas cards in the industry

And one of the things they removed were viewings a lot of times you come up to me and go Joey I did this this thing for ABC and they're showing it at one of brothers tonight You want to come on me at seven o'clock when I first moved I did a bunch of those for people just went and watched And a lot of times you do a short film people get nice little screenings and you'll invite a friend to something like that You know, I just couldn't sit there when my part came on How we said I get up and leave make believe like I had a hand to the phone or what like what like what goes on in your head or your Body like what is it? Who's this fat motherfucker first of all? I think that somebody's playing a trick on me

It's like when we went to see like I tolerated it because of the church I did it for you guys that Christmas Eve when we went to the movies. I did it because I knew the people that would show up Were part of something I Didn't want to get up in front of them walk out insult them. We put the thing together. We had a great time We got fucking high Salami came we all came wasn't an Academy Award movie But we went and the only reason when this when I came on I closed my eyes. No, you did. Yes, I did Look, you know me. I make believe like I got something in my eyes and I looked down First of all when I watch myself on something like that. I think that

Somebody's playing games with me. Let's be honest. Okay, the truth I feel like I'm too high and somebody just took a character out inserted me in that just the fuck with my head It feels so surreal Lee like somebody just took Well, my body is my body even though you remember rehearsing you remember shooting it everything just seeing it It's the fucking creepiest weirdest feeling in the world. What happens when you do ADR That's when I see everything and that's when I first get really embarrassed and I get choked up for a few minutes And usually it's just me and the sound guy Right, it's funny because I done those stupid Christmas dog movies. I've done my five of them

So it's the same sound guy. Oh, so I always got to go to Sherman Oaks And I see him and we giggle and it's just me and him in the room and the first time he could tell that I was uncomfortable Like I'm always uncomfortable the first couple takes and then once I get going I get going Like once I get going they overcome my fear. I fucking go But I just don't listen When you look at yourself on the screen, you know, it says that that's 10 pounds Yeah, in my mind that has 50 fucking pounds. Oh, I know I used to hate looking at pictures of me heads on your pounds and then you hate your voice

Yeah, you hate your hair and you hate your mouth and you hate you know You just it's just this thing that it probably is all part of an insecurity That's good, you know, it's something that you've always had whatever you just hate My voice I can't fucking hear it. Really? Oh, I fucking hate it when I hear it I just run him out of the room. You have a cool voice though. No, I don't know But you know, it's little things like that. I just can't do it I just can't do it sit there when people edit my reels like that's why I go to the same guy for 15 years same company 15 years

Even though he's pricey as fuck I Love him. I've been with him for 15 fucking years I was there when he was an employee before he bought the company So he only deals with like big guys and shit like that. Okay, but he still talks to me Like when I go there, I sit with him and he has a computer in this room. They have like little Offices, yeah, and they have little underlings and you sit with them and they put your things in it's really cool I go yeah used to be in Los Feliz on top of the chicken place by the Scientology Oh, really? Yeah, you know the chicken place by UCB. Yeah, yeah, you have you've eaten of that chicken place

Yeah, not bad the onion rings are pretty good the fucking soup the spicy chicken soup I used to get it when I get sick back then do you ever do? Oh, it's kind of off-topic, but do you ever do you see me or not really one time one time? I Gotta go down there and look for parking and do comedy for people who don't want to see me do comedy You know what I'm saying? They want to see somebody else do comedy so fuck. I don't fuck him so But like what I mean Yeah, you never like what are you gonna do if you get like a TV show or something not watch it What the fuck am I telling you here not watch it tape it and move on with my fucking life

Like I do with everything else have these fucking movies. I do I don't watch I Have like 10 movies on Netflix that I've made over the years Not a million fucking years Not in a million years There's gotta be like four of them. I have Something's mother with Stacy's mom Okay, it's not a song. Yeah, Stacy's mom has got it going on. Yeah, Stacy's mom I did something else and a ball with strippers that they were gonna add a part two and they called me and made it off

And then part one was so terrible that they just went away and started shooting other movies They made an offer just went away. Oh my god, Doug They they did part one, but it was one of those fake Pauly Shore rants Do you remember when Batman did his rant and it went viral? Oh, right? It was a guy, you know, I like Christian bail Christian bail fuck you motherfuckers and you're in my life You're in you're in my life. You're not professional Well after that shortly Pauly Shore through a rant and that movie and there was also the guy from airplanes last movie He died after he shot that movie Nielsen

So it had all this fake heat And I don't know what the fuck the name of this can you believe that I don't know what the fuck I did that That had to be four or five movies that I did From 2007 to 2010 that I had no fucking idea. I don't know when they got released if they did What happened? What about your animated work because you don't see yourself. You just hear yourself. I Never done animation. Do you did one thing right tank or something a year or two ago? Oh, yeah I didn't watch it. I taped it and I gave it to the people put on my reel. I didn't watch it. Okay. I'm telling you Lee I won't do it very seldom

When Joel sent me the tapes from DC. I fucking listened to him because I was alone in my room There are 40 minute tapes. I listen to it for about 16. That's all I could tolerate before I had a fucking headache listening to me That's fucked up. I got a bunch of emails from people like maybe four emails in the Gmail That they were really unhappy with Kate and I got like two on Twitter, you know And the ones I got on Gmail were really like fucking mean about like they don't like when I put a woman on here They didn't understand was it the homeless thing? I think yeah She's a fucking hustler Okay, oh get a camera put a bikini on and go out there and live on fucking Venice Beach

Don't fuck with that girl. That's why I had her on the show. I didn't have her on the show because she's a fucking knockout We don't have women that are knockouts on the fucking show You know, we have women that have a fucking spine They do comedy and I give them the most fucking respect and if you can't fucking deal with that I don't understand why you even listen to the fucking show But I'm about I guess that there she's a woman or Who knows I put her on the show because let me tell you something that girl's a fucking 12 And I wouldn't the first off when you have a girl like that. I learned when I was about 31 in bold

There's girls that get hit on all fucking day long You know what you look at them you look at you, you know, you're not gonna fuck So why are you gonna hit on them for a waste of time? If you treat that girl opposite of what everybody else treats that girl like you're gonna have a good friend You're gonna have a really good friend out of a woman. Do you understand me and someday that girl I'm putting that girl on I'll tell you why I'm putting that girl on because someday that girl's gonna be on ABC and There's gonna be a part for a grandpa or fucking stupid old cop and she's gonna fucking call me Because I believe in that young girl

I don't put these women on because I want to fuck them Sarah Tiana or whatever I put them on because they do something That they prove to me in a way that this is what they want to do I see people come and go we see people come and go everybody wants a fucking shortcut Right to this fucking reality of debt that they want to get involved with I don't even know why we want to shortcut But when you see that a girl that looks like that Isn't fucking a manager or an agent or a casting director or a fucking top actor and she's out there every night for free For free guys doing fucking sets at the haha and at the fucking store in the belly room

And she's doing two or three spots a week then she's making a fucking video She tweets all fucking day and she Facebook's all day, which in a way is fucked up But it proves to me that she's on it, right, you know and someday along the line that girl's gonna be on something They gave a 10 o'clock playboy who the fuck is home in a 10 o'clock jerking off on a Saturday night 15 year olds and kids Who are punished and old fucking creepy dudes that have no fucking friends So they put around at 10 at least they put around you know somebody said to me Oh, well who cares she's on a show time a playboy show who has put maybe 10 people are gonna see but what the fuck are you on? What the fuck am I on I'm not I'm not everyone has a first step and that's yeah, it's not an issue with podcasts

But it's it kind of is more the comedy community. There's a lot of clicks and The an issue with podcasts is because there's so many of them you hear all the same guests a lot and a lot of your friends Your clique are like you sit in some ways in some ways or not, but they have sort of similar attributes So whenever we get someone like that or like Jason Stewart that's kind of out of it It I can understand where it would be jarring, but it's doesn't it doesn't mean they're bad I got one gay hater for Jason Stewart, which I was fucking in shock. I Was fucking in shock, but I understand we have nice people listen to this fucking show that understand Where we're coming from not all the guests are gonna be top-notch not all listen

I watched Letterman for years and he did five shows a week four of them were fucking three of them were great One of them was mediocre one of them was like who gots well That's David Letterman with thousand writers thousands producers lights cameras action water fucking cookies and shit Oh, well, no, of course different podcasts are gonna be better than others But it's not even like like Kate was a bad. Yes. No, not at all that homeless thing was good silly But I see what you're saying now, but yeah, but it's if I want to get mad about me there It's not because she's sucking dick right and she's showing a pussy and she's jumping up and down except the fucking chicks Tarzan brought down from the hookah house. Oh, yeah, they're showing everyone

But the fucking girls I bring in here comics whether it's Christine Pazinski Saratiana the other girl listen the fucking girl that was eating goat cheese, you know and getting a toenails clipped the girl from Chelsea I love her to death. She's crazy But you know how long I've known that she's been in this game as long as I have since 98 Heather McDonald So as crazy as Heather McDonald is I give up my heart because most people by now would have had kids and quit this fucking action She's still out there banging it out saying jokes about whatever the fuck she's saying I'd love to get Natasha Leguero on next time I see I'm gonna tell her to come on There's a lot of women I got the utmost respect for in comedy and just in general just in general

Yeah, I'm fucked up when I say some fucked up things But I do respect and I do look and I see what people are doing. I know what the fuck you're doing I know what the fuck everybody's doing if you're in my fucking realm. I know what the fuck you're doing So when you come to me and go, it's not working out What the fuck were you doing last night? I didn't see you at the store last night You had a spot and you canceled but you didn't show or something You know, you have all these people, you know, do you know what it's like to be here For six or seven years and hear people cry every night behind the store when you're starting out

And I'm sure I cried for a few years myself, but then I realized there was no fucking there's no use in crying You know what you do you go home you have a roast beef sandwich you go to bed You wake up the next day and you hit that fucking pavement like you've never hit it before That's the secret of fucking success and I'm not talking about making millions I'm talking about just surviving in any game in any game and we've discussed this already. So when I see Tebow When I see red man putting shows together and going here and going there when you call me up and say hey man I went to this place and I got beat or they didn't pay my full money. Guess what you're doing your job

Learning about comedy You're learning about life in this fucking realm and it's not just this room if you weren't editor and I called you today from Michigan and said I want you to my film and when you get here you have to share a room with a fat stinky fuck like me and instead of getting $35 for per diem they give you $18 for per diem. That's part of the game, bitch Now you have to decide whether you'll do that again whether you'll cover your ass. That's part of this game We all have a learning curve, man Whatever you decide. I don't care if you're a plumber mason a waiter. You want to make $300 a night as a fucking waiter

What do you do Lee? You you shine your shoes you cut your fucking toenails you take your tie you fucking put it all the way up to the top You don't be creepy you fucking fix your eyeball you whiten your teeth You fucking shave nicely so your fucking nose hairs don't fall on the fucking food and you're a waiter You ever see the difference when a $300 waiter and a $50 a night fucking waiter. Yeah big fucking difference And the 300 there's some weight. I fucking did I went I took my wife to lunch after one of the kettlebell glasses I took her to lunch at that fucking place. She wanted to get the chopped salad So we went to this moot special. Okay, and already more than that the moot special for lunch at $21.99

I took her in there the fucking girl was amazing and she was a comic. Oh Like a green comic like she had just moved out from Philly and I invited her to the store She was such a great waitress because I didn't ask her for anything one time And she treated my wife with the utmost fucking respect like she was she took care of my wife more She took care of me and that means the world to me. So a You know having a good waiter I My parents were always good tippers. So I tried to do that But lately I've seen more and more bad. So I've started doing less

I got I was used to only 20% now. I've started to go below I like fat waiters because they're fat people. They know what it's like to get food I don't want to fuck around when I got a fat way that he's slipping I get fucking pissed because they know what it's like when you're fucking hungry when the fat guy comes to my table I love and I just give him the menu back when he comes and goes What are we drinking? We know we're drinking you ready rightly. There's no fucking procrastinating with Uncle Joey I never let that way to come back twice. There's no reason to when he comes to the table the first time and says hi Sparkling water. No, let's grab the fucking pet. Let's let's launch this fucking on. Let's get this party started

18 joints you want to give me water one of my Moses break out the fucking chopped salad the fucking shrimp cocktail Whatever the fuck it is you got break it out. They want to come over and offer me water. Get the fuck out of you I'm paying get the sodas get the milkshakes get the bread get the whole fucking army on and this isn't an exaggeration This is talks to waiters. No, let's do this. I love listen when I'm playing games. You tell me to tip you I'm gonna hit you with cash and put them on the card. So that's why fuck around don't stare at me Let's do this shit. This is quick get the fucking pad out. This is what we're doing boom boom boom boom My wife is one of those people I haven't decided what the fuck I mean you decide you've been 18 fucking times Either you want it or you fucking don't I'm gonna sit there and go ping pong and with this fucking waiter

Are you ready? No, I've been ready since I walked in the fucking door. I would have gave you the order at the fucking host table That's me. I already know what I'm coming in here to fucking eat You think I'm gonna sit there and pick my teeth to look around Oh the ambiance. I don't give a fuck about the arm. This could be the bottom of the basement if the fucking food is good I'm the like cocksucker I love women go to a place that we've been to before and they just know your order already like that the starbucks dude knows you All right night. Oh, yeah, that's my dog And it's just it's just it's funny

It's getting in mode because they don't get talked because they don't get spoken to like that a lot especially here Nobody people probably like dismissive of them and nobody likes the nobody no more and they go into shock Remember the movie crash that they were saying people in LA and keep crashing into each other, but nobody communicates I think that's that's not fair. I think it's all over the country When I go eat somewhere, I want to talk to the bus boy I want to talk to the waiter. I want to talk to the cook Cause everybody primo primo and everybody's my fucking primo jack out of respect We're gonna hear give what shake hands and explain change names

You're my fucking primo and I talked to those bus boys in the spanish because nobody ever fucking talks to them Okay, if there's a shootout at any restaurant i'm in Those bus boys are gonna come over and grab me like fucking The what's that show we got chopo like narco chopo narco Yeah, they're gonna hit me with the table and pull it over me. Why because I talked to them with respect I don't talk to them like they're a dishwasher. I went to the know-ho Uh Thursday, I was flying out Saturday morning and I went my wife was sleeping

I flew out like at six and I went to know and had breakfast I had a whole conversation with the mexican things. I was cracking dirty joes and shit They were loving it. Nobody talks to the fucking waiters. Yeah, but look look at my table My table always got bread on it always got extra butter like a motherfucker the glasses are filled Because I give them the respect that they fucking deserve You know, they're making four miles an hour. They're the backbone of that fucking restaurant, you know Anywhere I go, you know, I'm continuous for people. I'm not a flip flop. I don't believe I'm flip flop I don't believe these people. Well, we wanted to try new chinese

No, I've been eating there for 35 fucking years and I'm gonna continue to fucking eat that your loyalty is fucking important There's some places that don't care about your luck and you know it But these mom and pop places when you walk in right are you fucking kidding me when I worked at legal There's this lady who would come and sit at the bar and every time anything she ordered came up If you were just learning it to her she'd have a five dollar bill for you When you're I mean when you're in the server like especially as a server a bartender A person like at Starbucks. You're on your feet. You're doing a lot. So when someone's a little bit nice to you There's so much you can do that like to give them for free or to try to help them out

And especially if you know, you're gonna get tipped or just treated like a person. That's pretty great you know, I was telling you guys that uh I did sicklers podcast and he asked me he asked me button questions questions that matter What happened after your mother died that window? I was a good bartender Lee I was a good bartender. I can see that I'll tell you why because I talked to people I had to drink from them. I I treated everybody like they were doing blow like the way I wanted to drink I look you in the eye. What are you drinking brother? What kind of beer you got bud? You know, I always

Uh had something an answer for you and I always was very serviceable I always tried to be nice to you until you became like uppity with me because I was a bartender Played like a con because in new york that those days it was kind of weird But at the end of the day, I was a very good bartender. I made a good living Remember I was telling you I felt bad about things I did. You know when I got a job at that Sheridan and uh The winter of 84 there was a kid that I knew there right off the bat I had grown up with

His name was John Crespo. I went to sacred heart school for boys In fact, it was his stepfather Who got me into sacred heart school for boys his mom was Puerto Rican And he had the biggest blackest stepdad you ever seen in life anthony He sold heroin and he used to not with my with my buddy nelson And nelson was partners with my mother and the dry cleaning business He's imagining a huge black guy being like, hey, I'm anthony. I saw heroin And he used to have a man purse filled with heroin and shit, but he was six for four

300 pounds. What do you want to do? I don't know if he played football in those days or what? He referred sacred heart school to boys to nelson nelson referred it to my mom and that's how they got me in Once I went to sacred heart. I went to sacred heart in the third grade. Okay John Crespo was in the fifth grade. Oh So he was always older than I was one summer We went to Puerto Rico me and John Crespo And we were there for 10 days me his mom him and big black fucking anthony

And we were staying at a hotel and we dropped an ice cube from the third floor of a hotel We cracked the dude in the head they threw us out of I was in the fourth grade they're going into the fourth grade and we went to this old someone and there's new someone We went to kill the guy or he for they had a call on ambulance They threw us out of the hotel. He was bleeding everywhere and shit We had to give him a fake name and get out of there. It was fucking classic You gave fake names We were talking about when Ralphie was here when we hit the guy with the M&M and bounced

Same thing happened with the fucking ice cube. I remember the cops still saying to us. Do you understand what happened? And it was a little higher than the third floor. I'm lying to you guys. It was up there It was like the 10th floor. It was like the 10th of the 7th floor. It was a brick It was 1973 So I was 10. I was 10. I'll never forget this Bruce Lee had already died And me and him went to Puerto Rico like in august and we were there for 10 days. We saw a 14 motherfucking kung fu

We saw 14 movies 13 of them were kung fu movies. The only white movie we saw Was something about man on the mood marigold. It's I it was just on about a month ago Puerto Rico for 10 days and saw 14 movies 14. That's all you know when you were a dumb fucking kid What do you care about it? We went to the beach in the morning And in the afternoon me and him would go to the fucking movies with a sister That was it. His mom used to make the best fucking cheese omelet because She would whip the egg and then put it down and then just slice the american cheese thin on top And she put pepper for me. That's what turned me on to cheese omelet. It's his mother anyway

I lose contact with john crass ball black anthony and I forget what his mother's name was My mom who the fuck knows I go to colorado I come back and my buddy stinky says my brother got a job at the fucking at the fucking Sheridan if you want a job as a bartender they got room they got Excuse me banquet bartenders are making 17 10 an hour And the regular bartenders make 12 52 an hour. I don't forget this conversation

and I said well get me the banquets because You do the banquets for four hours, but you get paid for eight Oh, shit Yeah And you don't have to deal with customers. It's just a whole bunch of orders. I think they got like a banquet tip So what happened was I had to go to the american bartending institute I did that all right the big one nationwide when you have lifetime placement So I went to uh

Before I got the job they said we'll give you the job But while you start the banquets you have to go to american bartending and I went from six to nine for two weeks But then they moved me to the front bar that thursday Like the second week, you know, you're supposed to graduate that friday and do the test where you flip the bottles in the air And shit that thursday morning they called and they said hey man some guy quit In the fucking front bar and if you could make it this will be your job permanent It was five to one in the morning at the front bar right when you walk into the sheriff It's been redone now in the whole fucking deal

So when I get in I do my paperwork whatever the fuck I got to do They gave you different shirts like different collars uh the vests, you know with your name on it And when I went in I saw John Crespo I go, what the fuck and he goes, holy shit. It was like 20 years. We didn't see each other. We hugged And he pulled me aside. He goes, here's the deal dog everybody steals And here I had been stealing I had been a criminal and I'm like I'm looking to get a job but A career I had a girlfriend I really wanted this to work the first day he pulled me over. He's like listen the dude that was here with me

Was stealing at least 200 a day if you don't steal 200 a day. They're gonna fucking know I'll teach you how to rob. So these guys were doing like x and out and Are closing the register and then ringing up shit and then they're taking the tape out They would this is the 80s. So it wasn't computerized So let's say your tab is 74 bucks Right. I put four in and you give me and I keep 70 cash. How you paying for this credit credit cash Money, how you paying for this? I'm paying for this cash 98 dollars, you know what I put in the register

nine eight dollars So that 90 went right in my fucking pocket cash So I would ask you before the deal even started. How you paying for this guys credit card? You want to open up a tab? Well, that was a good bar time that was making rusty nails I was making those things that people that are popular now that women's drink martinis cosmos and cosmos I was making those shits my fucking hand 30 years ago, my friend. That's how good I was at it But I hadn't learned how to bartend in my mother's bar. I knew from watching her

I knew how customer involved you had all those drinks and shit came later on But the guy that cracked me the most was the guy that owns pillsberry Really? Him and his wife came in and sent me like a dollar 44 I have to buy a bottle of wine for like 90 bucks They gave me like a dollar 44. I mean, I I used to get shocked there. I really learned about people I really learned how fake people are when they come in And you think like if you prejudge somebody and go this guy's gonna tip me

These are the guys that don't tip you they Have you heard about the american express american express black card? Yes, like it's a metal one where they have to spend like a hundred grand a year right worse tippers Like I've gotten stiff by a couple of them And they have to spend a hundred grand a year And they're bad tippers It's crazy what I learned but the point of the story is that I was good Lee But I ruined that because I was stealing they never caught me. I never got caught but I fucking know

That whole year and a half was ruined. I mean, yeah, I got fired and I got suspended for not fucking showing up and whatever but it was never really for stealing It was because of my fucking addiction and I like to party and do drugs and you know, they would let me out to new york at one in the morning By 115 I was on the sidewalk a 50 second and fucking seven. That's the heart in new york city What what do you want me to do? I'm gonna go home who goes home And trains and cabs and in those days fucking they were picking up cabs and black You know african people were picking up everybody was getting picked up

You could be in a cabin pay three dollars to go away. It's the fucking arm in those days But I thought about that how I was a good bartender no complaints nothing like that no write-ups I kept everything clean. I was very polite with people You know, when you if I knew Lee liked what do you like that drink with the diet coke? makers when I saw you walking in There was a makers in coke waiting for you and if it was three or five, bro I'll tell you what I would do This is how old school I am because my mom did this my mom used to cook and give away the food for free

You know these cuban meals we go and we pay for $18 one. My mom would ask you at five o'clock. Hey We may pick out of you. I broke one free holiday. We may pick out of you whenever you hungry Whether you came in every day or not. That's my mother that because the cuban that's what women do when they cook They offer you my mom would say listen we cooked in the my mom had the restaurant, but then she closed it down But on the summers instead of her going to new york city She just cooked for me back there And you know she'd make a huge lunch coming on and she's loud and fucking black beans and she'd cook up a pig and shit And you come to the bar and she'd go guess what somebody gives you a fucking cuban meal

For free or any meal meatloaf or anything that makes you feel like you're at home You're not going nowhere and you're always gonna come there. So, you know what I would do. I would order appetizers I get them for 50% off That's a fucking brilliant idea for bartenders. I was 21 years old guys This is my cocaine. Listen when you sell coke I'm not going to get you to go in your pocket by just telling you how good the code is if you're bartender You don't do that. You're an idiot. You're an idiot. I get nachos. I get chicken wings Do you know what they cost me in those days? Not just 450 two dollars

For eight dollars. I got nachos and wings and if there was six guys and there was a game on tv I'd draw that as soon as they came in give them the who paid for this. No, it's on me Brother, let me get two more orders of wings Fucking you're the best and next thing you know, you're ringing up a tab here and numbers times 10% And I would get 20 30 percent from them because just because I get the wings for half price And they'd be happy to it's not like you're scamming them. No, I'm not fucking I would get I would tell them There was the chef that the restaurant would say why did you get three orders of wings? Because I was fucking hungry and the bar people were hungry. It's a shame. You don't put food out for these people five o'clock

I'm getting out of fucking work at five o'clock. I walk into a bar. They better be having there's a ham and cheese sandwich on white When I was a kid you go into john mary's Every fucking day I would go to john mary's after school And in the middle of the bar when I was a junior in high school when I was 16 17 I would go to john mary's Because there was a chicken delight place next to a chicken fell and our friend john kow worked in there So there was always chicken for you to eat but the bar George the book the loan shark the bookie and lila

Would get a like a pizza tray Okay with a little shield on top like you know when you eat at a fucking thing and they pull the shield up Right, but it was see-through and then that thing would be 50 ham and cheese sandwiches cut into quarters So when you come in at five there's something there for you Guess what you take two pieces of sandwich that guy's gonna go. What's on the menu tonight spaghetti and meatballs Let me get two fucking orders you opened up my appetite With those little cheese sandwiches

And yeah, you're gonna have your moochers Because I was one of them I go in there with four dollars with 60 cents a mug Three fucking mugs a dollar 80 you leave light of two dollars and you eat 10 fucking sandwiches. That's dinner You know there's that mentality But for the normal human being that goes and then there's a sandwich for you at five o'clock after you knock off at the post office How many times you listen when I got if I worked the eight hour day when I walked out of this fucking building I'm going right to the con. I'm sparking a road. That's already rolled But you know what I'm saying like it's been I already had a joint and smoked half of it on the way there and kept the half

Right same thing happens when I'm a fucking when I'm drinking I want to walk into a bar and have a mug there waiting for me the ham and cheese sandwich Well, I watch the fucking news. It's a great feeling when a bartender remembers what you order I had to have them ones out here at the Boston bar and I sat down and she just came up. I was like And it's That's a good bartender. You're thinking of your people. I'm thinking out of the box I'm thinking about if they're fucking hungry If you're a waiter right now and the guy comes into your fucking table and you don't have bread in front of him

Within six. I don't give a fuck about the water order I don't give a fuck about the drink order. I see a motherfucker sitting down. I got a table of fucking I'm already listen when they're at the host stand. I'm already throwing bread in the oven getting that warm So they haven't even sat down for two minutes and they got bread and butter Especially if they have kids and I don't give a fuck if I'm throwing their appetite off. I'm there to feed them When I have a restaurant, I'm not there. I don't give a fuck about your appetite I give a fuck about my appetite when the bread comes with the basket If I eat it that's I eat it because I'm a fat fuck, but I want the option league

You ever go to a restaurant that has great bread and you're waiting 15 minutes for your bread By the time you get the bread, you're so fucking aggravated. Why wasn't this here eight minutes ago? If the if the guy is good and he's committed to his job Whether he's a bus boy or he's the fucking major d The bread will be there within six fucking minutes when I was at the server. You were supposed to get like Greet the table with bread and water. Hopefully that's it. Yeah, that's it. Listen. I love mexicans I love mexican people. I love the whole culture. I've always have but you ever go to el compadre No cocaine bar the guy just killed himself rest in peace. They just sunshot him joke

Rest in peace. He got shot last week. They buried him No, no, no, this guy was a good guy Oh the guy from chicago El compadre when you walk in as coked up as they are When you sit at the table with the 22 seconds A mexican sweat and bullets comes up to you and gives you chips green sauce and red sauce and two waters Just to get the party started I believe in getting the party fucking started. What's with the chitter chatter?

Bring the fucking food and then we'll chit chat later as we're picking whatever I'm blown away by the appetizer idea though, and I've never seen it anywhere No, such an easy thing to do these people fucking moron I mean it didn't listen if I had to pay a hundred percent. Maybe with the game would have been different I'm not gonna but not even really because I was making eight bucks I was making 12 52 an hour times eight eight times 10 whatever the fuck 96 dollars, right? Right, isn't 96 dollars right 96 dollars. I was walking out of there with a buck 40 in cash Right, right. That's legitimately and then I had another deuce in my sock

I can't buy five water and nachos and five water wings to up my money The reason why everybody else was making a hundred there a night 120 I was walking out of there when anything was from 140 to 200 in tips And it was because of the nacho thing and the wings and the fucking celery sticks You probably don't want to spend a hundred bucks, but if you spend 25 30 dollars 30 fucking dollars to make me fucking 70 80 70 80 What do I care? I doubled my fucking money with the chance and some nights it bailed out some nights people left me a 50 I had a guy left me a 50 a couple people left me 20s, you know on a beer

Somebody gets a Budweiser for six bucks And leaves you 14 You did your job. Yeah, that's the name of no fucking You know you get 10 guys that leave you 14 fucking bucks after a bottle of Budweiser to eat my nachos I paid for my nachos 10 times fucking over right nachos Free sodas all that shit that cost me fucking 10 cents That cost me 10 cents. I can't give you a lobster tail. Listen when you go buy a car

Okay, and you come to me and you say to me joey. I got to talk to you. I talked to three dealers But I'll tell you what this dealership is closer to my house. You have a great service department And I like how you treated my kids I like how you treated my wife. You treated them with respect. You gave my kid lollipops Even though you tried to show a picture of your dick No, just kidding But I want to buy the car here. You gave me a great price. It's the same price as everybody else Uh, but something you know, I would say

The fucking the things that you put on the side of our forerunners that's that the stool that you step on Whatever the fuck, okay, you know, it cost a dealer 49 bucks and they sell it for 750 I would say what's the core? I would make a big production of it. Listen. This is 750 I'm gonna give it to you for cost And the fucking people will look at me and I go yeah 150 bucks And there we go. I'd still make 50 bucks or something and I'm giving and the guy's going. I think I gave it to him a cost Even though we're making 100 bucks profit on it

You know, you have all this high thing I'd rather deal with you on some things and give you other things to give you value Right if it cost me nothing You know, when you go into a fucking restaurant, they charge you 250 for a soda On the way out, you should blow that place up really an iced tea when somebody charges you $3 for an iced tea and a $3 refill You should come back with a bomb and some ices dude strap to it and blow the fucking place up Because that's their profit nothing Kills me more than when places have cans of soda at restaurants

Why because that means there's no refill. So you're paying three bucks for a can Can't eat people do that. Yeah, that's the mother fuckers But there's so many tricks. I loved all those things When I worked as a salesman, I always gave you something to do business I always felt that you have to make an investment towards this person for them to do business with you That's what I always felt. I don't know how hard is it for you now with uh, Like a baby like with the service like people Bringing the food for her right away like not waiting for you

Horrible We went to a place the other day and my wife has been there three times and she goes every time They bring my food first and they leave her out here by herself for 10 minutes. It's just spaghetti It's just spaghetti with ragu on it. Oh my gosh, and my wife goes on on the sanders and the guys got kids It's common sense waiting tables all that type of fucking work It's it's it's a little common sense and you can make 200 extra dollars a night Cash cash that nobody knows dick. Well, now they know everything now. They fucking they're banging out wait staffs They make you that you're supposed to write down your tips, but oh all I would ever write down is my credit card tips

I'm up for fuck them with my cash But yeah, back to the fucking cake thing that's why I put it on because oh shit. That's I forgot that's a word No, no, I don't give a fuck. That's what I really respect her a lot I really do and I see what she does and I've been looking at her for like 18 Two years. She's blowing up recently. Yes. She has yes. She has Listen, I I enjoy going out at night and having a young comic or a comedian make me laugh I love it. I love going out at night. Sebastian. That's not we sat there watching Sebastian Dom Rera and Bobby Lee and you know

It's fun It really is fun when I sit back. I love it. I fucking love it I love it and I see the holds and I you know, it's a different fucking game for me But I fucking love it, you know And when I see a young comic in that round, right that scratching at the door tony hinge cliff You know, I remember red is easy when he was scratching at the door And I remember going this kid's a star and him going to me. I don't know what's going on. I mean going dog Listen, this is what's going on. You're you're knocking on the door. This is going to happen. Boom a year later

Because you see these people that they're relentless the The status quo They take these people sometimes that are one hit wonders And then they disintegrate on their own you put them in such a platform at such an early age in montreal and give them all this praise It's like rafi was talking about that kid that killed himself. Yeah, uh, whatever his name was. Why could do whatever his fucking name is Nice rooster rooster chicken chicken, you know, they put him on such a pedestal and then he felt that times you couldn't cover the fucking spread You know how hard it is to be putting that pedestal a young fucking age

The only way to write material is to live a life And to really churn it out once you really start kicking it's when you're churning out material about your life and your fucking downfalls And all the stupid shit that's happened. Everything else is background music I don't even know what the fuck I was saying 10 fucking years ago, but I knew I was onto something Lee I knew I was onto something Must be frustrating very frustrating. That's why I give these young people the respect they fucking deserve I know what they're going through and I know how hard it is to wake up in the morning and say I'm doing this another day For a girl like that. You think she needs that?

Listen that girl could walk into any restaurant pick up any 40 year old guy and her say listen from now on you're paying my rent I want a beamer. I want this. I want that. I'm gonna suck that pipe Till there's a fucking sperm drought in your dick. You understand? You think california's got a drought I'm gonna suck the sperm till it's drought free your fucking helmet But you're gonna pay my bills and she could just give up Go to auditions and give up. I'm telling you right now There's creepy old guys here that would fucking do that in LA that's filled of a town They're dying there's a girl that goes to the economy store

That has a house on lower cane that's paid for till next year. She's a friend of red bands Some old guy bought the fucking house till next year like leased it for two years for her She was fucking him a year ago, but his wife called him with some shit mother fucker hysterical She's a fucking 20 year old girl. But yeah, she looks like a super mom These guys are like listen, let's do this. How about I give you three thousand a month? Give you a car pay for your house But I'm coming over once a week and I'm shooting fucking dick on you like a like a fucking fountain of sperm

Like I'm just gonna stand there like with a towel around my head just shooting fucking sperm mention And some of these girls like fucking, you know, you paid my credit card debt. I was debt 50 grand Fucking I'm one of my fucking around with these 14 year old guys that can't pay shit You know Well, what the fuck, you know these young guys so you know, she doesn't need to do this She doesn't need to work this hard. She can hook up with any agent she wants at any of these places cAA apa. She's not doing that That's what I give her the respect she deserves So if anybody

Please understand my point of view where I'm coming from with this girl It's good any woman I put on here or any guest who's a little different. Yeah, I don't give a fuck This is you're not all Listen, man, I don't have a publicist and I don't take fucking requests from publicists. I never have I want to pick people that I know I listen to their music. I have a a band that's coming on Maybe at the end of August not yeah, they're good guys. They send me emails. We just can't click together I see their work. I see what the fuck they're doing You know, one of the guys is kind of crazy. So it'd be great to have men here

Maybe it'll shoot heroin for the camera. Who the fuck knows Who the fuck knows Maybe I'll shoot heroin for the camera. Why not? What was it? You know, they all they showed on discovery people shoot heroin Smoke and crack. We ain't the same. That's like fucking some of you know, you know, say like we introduce you, you know This is Kevin I was having a what brother what high? Yeah, you're supposed to be fucking high. Yeah, three stars. I ain't four Well, I think I'm talking about waiting tables and stupidity and shit because I'm not high You seem pretty high. No, I'm having a great time. This has been some great podcast. We have uh, we had lately

We had some great guests from calterly So this is a labor day. I just want to get one of them me and lee just talking some shit and what's going on and what's been happening and uh Next Friday night at the ice house. I'm doing a special. I'm doing this dvd. Is it all together yet? I don't know, but I'm gonna let you guys be the judge You guys are the ones that listen to me and put up with my fucking stupidity Friday the 11th at the ice house late o'clock Lee's gonna put a piece of paper at each table

And I'm gonna do my fucking eye when you guys are gonna give me feedback and I'm gonna ask questions after this Okay, I don't know what it costs to get in 10 bucks. I'm not concerned about that What I'm concerned about is the people who I've been working with the last couple years You guys know me and what I do and how we do it and we become friends. So I trust your fucking Uh judgment so if you're in LA next week and yeah, there's still tickets available It's uh next uh Friday night at eight o'clock. You'll be out of there by 10. You go do blow whatever the fuck I appreciate if you want to come back and just put on a piece of paper joey. You suck You know, I'll take that from you

But we're family so if I'm gonna put a cd out or an album I want you guys to listen to it first I don't know what the place seats 98 and we'll talk about it afterward And maybe you'll say joey you said something on stage a year ago that you've never taped Can you put that I don't give a fuck lia collecting them will do the question So I love you guys. I love you guys with all my heart. So I you know when we have these little things These are good. This will be a little fun for us and we get to see each other Friday night It's gonna be a fucking shitty day 9 11, you know fucking parades people feel bad. What the fuck?

Let's go out and crack some jokes and smoke some reefer eat some stars of death and shit and look likely What fuck oh what do they have 9 11 parades? Well, no memorials memorials on tv and you got to feel bad. I don't want to feel bad all fucking day That's why it'll be fun. I didn't know we were doing that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah I'm always trying to do shit around town. You know, I'm at the store working out. I'm here I dropping on these fucking little open mics. There's a pizza parlor I like over here I don't tell nobody I'm going to kids look at me like what are you doing here, man? I'm like, I'm here to fucking work on material, you know, just to try shit. Really?

Lee, you know, I'm fucking creepy like that. I love this is what you do. You're in training Like what does it mean? Like what what do you think about when you think about doing a special? Since you don't have one I look at this two ways I can make this hard. I can make this simple I can make this hard and beat myself up and do this and do that or I can just go up there and beat myself I really don't give a fuck. I'm paying for it myself. So I really don't give a fuck how it really turns out It's our little project

And that's all this is about. It's just a little project. We're doing if it works out We'll start for five bucks online if it doesn't work out. We'll put it on youtube and light on fire I don't fucking know Lee, but you know me. We're in what we've got to lose What have we got to lose? Netflix is not going to give me a special comedy central is not going to give me a special HBO is not going to give me a special. Everybody gets a special. I don't get a fucking special. I don't give a fuck though Do you think I'm gonna stop me? I'm gonna go home and cry. No, I'm gonna go home and pick up my fucking crayons No, you fuck what we're who fucking resourceful here. We come through the back door with a big dick on the smile You understand me who shows up with a big dick on the smile

Unless you got a fucking 32 ounce coke and fucking new york super fight junk. Nobody cocksuckers I'm feeling good. I was feeling a little fucked up for a few days. Why I told you guys on monday that uh I really thought about Brian sickler and I talked about that night and uh, there was some crazy fucking stories, you know me snorting coconut cop car and there was so many fucking things I was doing and I wish I could sit 20 of those people down and go listen, man I was just crazy. I was in such pain that I was just fucking crazy But when you think of all those stories put together

Like I really want to apologize to the benders I just don't know where to start And the way I lied to john You know his mom always fucking knew You know and john asked me to move in there. He was my friend But me and john and two different people. I like doing drugs and listening to fucking music and You know going john won't listen to the Beatles and and and not drink and not do anything and fuck ugly chicks I mean nobody slept with ugly women and he did I never saw nothing like that

Maybe don't include that in the apology. What's that? We don't include that part of the poll everybody goofed on him about the women. He would sleep with this shit I mean, you know, he slept with every fucking rotten-looking women ever fucking invented I'm sorry. He's such terrible taste. No. No. No. No. No. No. It's uh It's just been very touching me like I've been writing a lot about it And how I felt, you know at that time so I could put the little notes in the book Leah it's it seemed like looking back on it like I didn't stop like I was talking to sickler about

Even like it started a year before my mom died. That was pretty much independent as fuck You know, I had to hit the number I would sell little weeds from time to time. I got involved in selling some fucking mescaline and some fucking And then she died and I really enjoyed selling those fucking drugs. I really fucking did I was good at it I was good at it. I'd show up to the high school to be 30 chicks waiting to fucking play hooky and do acid I'd sell each hit for three dollars. I was surviving. Do you have snacks for them? No, no fucking snacks. I had mescaline. I didn't I had business savvy in those days I mean to stay alive and sell drugs when you're 16 and 17 and so go to east drowsberg every fucking saturday and pick up

You know, I would go and have to deal with these guys. I never thought about guns. These guys were the coolest white kids They were kids. They were college kids. They just made drugs You imagine that being in college and making they were making fucking drugs Lee You know, I always exaggerate because It was there was four of them Okay, it was four students and they lived there weren't students two of them had graduated already And just didn't want to get a job because they were making so much money processing this But there were chemistry majors. Okay, like the guys with the ball that like the gray hair or something

Yeah, there was two there was four of them in the in this house and three of them made it One guy was like a the helper. He was a chem I don't know what he was But these guys made drugs way before

Like anything crack houses or any and nobody knew about it Because the guy that turned me on to them had been buying drugs from these guys for two years prior Okay, and they had they but these guys were young That the two guys that had graduated were probably 23 24 And the other two guys were undergrads like 19 18 maybe These guys had Not just me selling drugs to in the wholesale level

They had 20 fucking cars driving in every week from indiana all acid They sold weed Which I didn't want to transport Why would I buy weed from the left to drive from pennsylvania? I had weed right there in new york city That I didn't really want to sell That main thing was black beauties Black beauties were a type of a speed. There were diet pills And you had to get them over the counter

A doctor was remembering the movie with liberace. He was eating black beauties. Okay in the 70s They were big these guys were making pharmaceutical strength black beauties How I know because the people I was selling them to were people who bought them over the counter So they were they were copying the formula they were copying the form these guys were tremendous with this shit They were making that that was their main source of fucking thing and it came in like a protein jar Okay, and a thousand of them were coming there and they would sell me a thousand of them for 35 Fucking dollars What and I would sell each one for a dollar

Do you understand the profit margin I had there? But if you were a good customer, I'd see you in the hallway and just throw one in your hand Just to get your spot. You got these. Yeah, I got them dog I would sell you 35 for 100 So I had five customers when I came back with a thousand Okay, before I even went to east brownsburg. I'd have six customers that wanted a hundred a piece Okay, so and they give me 35 dollars. Okay, so right there I made 200 fucking bucks, right? Right and I'd come back and get I'd buy two jars. So I give them They're fucking uh 600 and I keep 400 and sell those for a dollar a piece

I'd still make six hundred dollars on that fucking thousand Well, and then I'd take the other one to sell those for a dollar a piece I was making I was selling a thousand a week Do to kit the wrestlers That wanted to make weight and I just didn't have north bergen wrestlers. I had north bergen. I had west new york You know, I had their coaches coming to me and buying them a thousand a hundred for 35 dollars You have no idea how good these fucking things were

I didn't I wasn't hooked on them. But one night I went to a party And there was a couple of broads day and we were eating these things and drinking zambuca. Oh I was up for two fucking days jack in high school Well, listen to the volume four me and these dirty white chicks on boulevard east and shit These pills were tremendous. They're tremendous. And then when I get fucked up, I would snort them some nights Some nights you just pop them open and do a little fucking blast when you wear generos down in hobo I swear to fucking god So they had that and then they made acid they made what's called blotter acid

Blotter acid is acid that comes on a sheet of paper Okay, so they would sell you a hundred hits the size of this note, but even smaller It would be uh, whatever. I don't even fucking know and it came in little hits And there would be a hundred hits on this sheet And he'd give me those for 90 dollars and I'd sell those for three dollars a piece Wow And this was every so I would pick a big lab in their house or something How did they make all this down? They had a house and downstairs is where they did everything

They made these other things that they called mescaline Mescaline everybody knows this was like a fucking cactus or something like that But they called it mescaline. It was micro dot acid. It was just a dot a dot And they would charge me 140 for a hundred for those but fucking you would see the devil And I would fucking crush those things and put them in a pipe and smoke those motherfuckers with the gajulo Oh, yeah Fuck yeah, we used to go deep

so between the ups and the fucking and the The ups is the ups was my spending money the ups is my spending money The ups was how I got slices of pizza and Chinese and shoes for school After my mother died that was how I did that the other money was the money I put away Plus I had And then so when cocaine came I got that money and invested in cocaine So now I was making money with the ups and the acid But I was losing money with the cocaine because I was starting like a fucking junkie that I am

You could have been like a trillion there by now If you hadn't been that I Listen In this world, I could have been a lot of fucking things. I wish I would have fucking been smarter when I was young and looked around but just All that shit that I was doing and people The reason why I hurt the benders was because I was living a life that They kind of knew but they didn't know

You know, yeah, I was sitting there with mercy My wife was in the kitchen And I'm sitting there and it's 8 30 at night And I said just for a minute. I tried to be the benders You know just open the front door walk in say hello, jimmy Say hello, mrs. Ben. I go to my room. I'd walk out and get on the their phone I make a few calls. I jump in the shower. I get dressed Open up the refrigerator on the way out make a ham and cheese sandwich

And shoot and they'd say where you going? I'm gonna go off I get back this one. I was a junior in high school. I'd walk back in the door. I fucking wanted the morning One thing in the morning Every night every fucking night. I never stayed in there Never never not even for me staying in meant I walked to a villas and we just smoked 25 hours worth of marijuana and this shit That was staying in those days. Why wouldn't you want to stay in? It was a fucking thought that I could not fathom because if I stayed in the pain would creep up on me Shit if I was moving

Doing my thing chucking and jiving talking to people selling drugs the pain didn't creep up on me It's when I tried to rest early I'd have to get drunk to go home and pass out So I wouldn't have to go home and go oh my god till I missed my mother Till I missed my old life. I would that's how I lived that I would my goal at night was just to pass out I could not even deal with going home and putting my head on the pillow and being able to think You know in those days I would wake up um

And I hope this doesn't happen to anybody This happens when you get divorced or when you lose somebody which is the same fucking difference You know, you don't know what it's like to open your eyes in the morning in that pillow and not know where you are But within five minutes the pain just reeks out of your stomach You know, you just have this pain in your fucking stomach. That's the pain. I had when I got divorced The first time and well the only time and the pain I had when my mom died. It's just waking up and You know being so fucking confused from pain and whatever was going through that You just have this fucking not in your stomach. It's not even a not in your stomach. It's pain

It's like a hunger pain and you wake up and you feed yourself And then you get involved in your day. So the pain goes away And you know, I'd smoke a joint or whatever and get my friends and crack jokes in a car and Go to class and pay attention. You forget about all that shit It was when I was by myself That they creep up on me, you know, you gotta check on your fucking skeletons from time to time If not, they'll check on you, you know, so That's what was going on. So I didn't

Stay in it was No fucking way So do you feel like you disrespected them apps of fucking louis apps of fucking louis from a dizzy and my behavior afterward apps of fucking louis I mean, wouldn't you think they would understand? Listen, I even disrespect the car line in many ways I disrespected the bazanos in many ways. I disrespected the Garcia's in many ways You know, I disrespected a lot of people from the neighborhood

Even when I was robbing drug dealers, they didn't know because they really didn't know them. They knew them You know, at that time it was the early 80s If you were a coke dealer, nobody knew who you were unless you did coke But all those people were neighborhood people that I robbed it wasn't like You know, they were like, I was going to the Bronx and robbing drug dealers in those days I was robbing people that were amongst us. Yeah, some of them were in favor of people people didn't like them or whatever You know, I get caught up with them buying drugs or whatever the fuck. Maybe it's just my actions You know, carlo still talks to me and deedy, you know, I had a good relationship with them growing up the ovillos

I was over there all the time in those days And I talked to steve every fucking week, you know, we might go to pink floyd together in april. I mean, that's cool Yeah, it's it's I'm very proud that those people are still my friends because they know what I went through I never got into a beef with them. You know, in those days when I came up on you I never knew what the result was going to be in our friendship Because you know deep down inside if you've had something I wanted and I just want it You know, in those days for me to get rid of the pain, I had to have chaos in my day

You know what that's like to have chaos in your day Do you just mean non-stop movement? What do you mean by chaos is drama? Who wants to talk to you who's looking for you you would seek it out? Absolutely. Oh, absolutely Because you know, there's no I would gamble and not pay the people and then hide for three days and who's not looking I got off on that then I got off on doing all that dumb shit that I could I got killed though. I'm very lucky Was it just so like to keep your mind off everything? Is that all it was? I don't know. I just my life had to have conflict that if not, it didn't click

After all that there was a time from 81 to 85 if I wasn't involved in something My life didn't click if somebody wasn't looking for me If I didn't know somebody money If I was it just did not click I never ended up finishing the movie, but Have you ever seen the gambler? What's his name I saw the original and I tried to watch the woman marky mark And they switched it up, but I didn't understand it. So I stopped why I think I wasn't a plane It seemed but it seems like kind of what he was doing is what you're like, you're like self sabotage. Yeah, you're just self sabotaging yourself

I self sabotaged myself All the way to fucking 91 when I was doing drugs in the halfway house and they caught me And I was doing great. I was doing great fucking great Doing fucking phenomenal. I could not be doing better for those standards I had a job. I had a car, you know, I had a girlfriend. I was engaged. I went to work. I made money in my job You know, but no, I do stupid fucking shit and get fucking hammered You know, I was the only idiot that had a three month sentence in the halfway house. I was in there for like a year in a month Yeah, you know, I tell you guys this story. Yeah, because I kept failing fucking piss test

And that was the only thing everything else was money. I never got caught doing anything else in that house One time, you know, you weren't allowed to drive unless you had permission I drove the first day with or without permission. Thank god. They didn't catch me But there was a couple times they pulled up right next to me And I mean bold is not a big fucking city guy at that time. It wasn't Jesus christ If I didn't have fucking conflict There was no happiness

If somebody didn't if I didn't owe money if I didn't rob somebody If somebody left so many stories if somebody wasn't missing money from their house, there was no conflict. I would not rest Oh my god Do you still do it? No, you don't see me bar. No, I don't know. Maybe you're good at it. Maybe do it like like in secret now You would hear about it if I created conflict, wouldn't you if I went down to the store and let a car on fire You hear about this shit Maybe there's no conflict really There's either you want conflict in your life or you don't

Okay, so if I put a shirt on right now and put a swatch stick on my forehead I'd have a conflict within an hour. Wouldn't I less than an hour Okay, then if I went to Beverly Hills with a swatch stick on my forehead And with a white shirt on just walked around saying vote for me. This is really commando's down there How long would it how long would it take though? That's creating conflict on yourself. Sometimes you don't need to do that It's in your body language. So If you if you could like think about yourself back then How would you have reacted to k quickly?

Would have been different I would have caused me to k quickly The first night I met that dirty bitch There's no two ways. I would have fucking uh I would have no would you really respect her as a comic Or is that something you had to learn if I would have met k quickly when I was 18 No, I'm lying to you guys because I had friends that were better looking than k quickly when I was 18 I just knew I wasn't gonna get with them. So they were my buddies one of my best friends growing up was a girl named Regina Gordon

Her mother had died also. So when my mother died, she was one of the first people to call me And her and I always had like a weird bond. She always dated good friends of mine But she always cheated on a good friend of mine with other guys that were friends of mine So they would always come to me and ask me fucking stupid questions about her But Regina was the person who warned me in 95 in 85 About certain people looking for me. I saw her at a bar called the spot And I always loved her after that. And you know what she used to call me in colorado for years after that Wake up people looking for me and you know, I just gave her numbers

You can't get hold of me call leo get hold of me. She'd call you a four in the morning. Where's joe deez? Go fuck and get them. Fuck always. She wouldn't even know who you are But I had friends that looked like that that I just knew I wasn't gonna get with so am I gonna be creepy around them I'd rather not be friendly and make them a fucking An ally You know, right and not and if you listen to her she's she's a She's the dirty freak, but not really. It's not like she's out every night getting laid She's looking for whatever be else looking for in life. Love. Yeah, that's it

And she'll know when she finds it. You know what I'm saying? It is hard to imagine like being a hot girl. I'm like not being able to find a guy Like it just as a guy who has trouble getting girls Like you see a girl like that. You're like, well, you think I was fucking rich a gig growing up But you think I went into bars and picked I didn't pick up nobody I never picked up a fucking woman in the bar growing up when I was a kid You know, yeah at four in the morning. I could come up to a woman and go I got a grandma blow. Do you want to come over the house?

That's completely different of somebody being interested in you your fucking piranha and their addiction And I piranha on their addictions. That's the only reason why you think those people woke up in the morning And wanted to hang out with me Afterward fuck. No, they took them looking me and go. Oh my god. I gotta stop doing below Tell me lord. I didn't suck his dick. Tell me lord. Please tell me and I'd be all smiley with red cheeks These nice cream and shit, you know No, Lee. I'm just as bashful as fucking you are but Think of the guys that she attracts

Because she dresses the way she does and she does the shit that she does She attracts a certain type of savage Right, you know a guy that's like as christian fucking morals Is going to be intimidated by fucking Kate. Don't get me wrong. There's some of those christians They'll fucking do anything to get into that fucking pussy, you know what I'm saying, but She's a beautiful girl. It's tough being a fucking good looking girl You know, yeah, you might marry the fucking high school quarterback, but most of the time, you know, it's a 50 50 fucking shot These girls don't have fucking crystal balls

It's true. Like I said, man, when you're looking for all that the thing I was always looking for With somebody who had my back at all times, that's it without Talking shit, you know, there's women that talk shit. There's women that don't give you a chance But there's men that do the same. How many fucking men do women bad every fucking day? That's true. I just didn't know if If your respect for female comics is something you had to learn or if it was always there My respect for females was always there because of my mother, you know We all make fun of strippers strippers are a big laugh

But sometimes I look on the stripper and I see myself I see the saying that's just something you had to do Didn't wake up when there was a sophomore in high school And go I want to be a stripper When you go to see your counselor sophomore year in high school remember when he starts to talk to you about fucking What classes you have to take and you know, you Not all those women go in there and tell the guidance counselor. I don't need this. I'm gonna be a fucking stripper right

But that's I mean, I can see the comparison, but I don't think it's the same. Well, you get caught up What wasn't the same? I carried a gun. I sold coke. I tried to rob fucking people, you know, what's their comparison What's their reality? So their reality is they go in They make some quick money to get hooked on whatever to pay for their addiction Whatever they want to do that like nice cars next, you know start giving lap dances, you know what? There ain't nothing wrong with sucking the dick for 200 bucks. They suck limited dicks Okay, it's not like they're fucking classify the ads and not like that. They're very discreet very discreet 500 here a thousand there

Some guy wants to smell your asshole for 200 the VIP room those guys at the right They want to jerk off on your feet whatever the fuck you do you start doing that a couple days then what happens One night you see the guy. He's whatever He's got $2,000 fear back in the hotel room. You go back to the six guys there waiting for you You get beat up or whatever you don't go to the cops, but you learn a fucking lesson and you turn your life around What's the difference of what happened to me? I went to prison and then and I still didn't turn my life around So hopefully they get this beaten They get fucking a couple dicks in their asshole

They go home And they get a new life and they never tell nobody about that night Because deep down inside the reason that drove them to do that was not feeling good about themselves Those people like that go to the cops and say I went to a thing and I got right You know, you got to prove it and this and that and you got You know swab and all that shit. What do you think happens to these women? So now these women have a choice This woman could get to the savings. She has Get off drugs

Get a job in an office meet a man and have a child and live her life normally Right or she could go back to the strip club the next day Okay, if I would have came out of there and bought another machine going to start taking down drug leads You think you and I would be having this fucking conversation right now. I think probably not. Okay. No So those women that we all goof around strippers. That's why I don't go to strip clubs You think I don't go to strip clubs and I'm like pussy. I love naked fucking women But when I go in there, I feel that the same thing I felt at 18 and 19 The shit that I don't that I'm living with now that I don't want to live with like the last week

It's been like I told my wife on she goes. I knew there was something bothering. Yeah That was a fucking wild five fucking years But I never answered to for nobody For all your actions you have to answer to I never I am with the prison guy and that paid for that Thing but it's the same thing man. Sometimes you just catch a bad break in life Are you gonna fly back and talk to them face to face or like what is your? There's some part of me wants to apologize, but the other part of me wants to leave that dogs lie

Why are we gonna run for feathers? I'll make good somewhere or another eventually on my own I don't know where to start Lee. This isn't my name is fucking arrow that I'm making letters I don't know it's it's it's even things. I didn't do to anybody It's things that I did that I disrespected myself and who the fuck I am The only thing I'd say is sometimes it's Like if we if you have something that you're as you're always worried about It's it's sometimes better just to see what happens Like to get it just get even though even if it might suck just get it over with and then you then you don't have to worry about it anymore

Well, I'm not worried about it. It's just listen I had this box My mom had this box upstairs in the attic my mom had a lot of boxes in the attic But she had this box. It was like a like a shoe shine box But it was really a box And if you saw it you just thought you put your foot on it and they shined your shoes But it was really a box right and then that box was my birth certificate

With some pictures of me and my dad from Cuba There was an insurance policy in there. There's a couple pictures of my sister You know those fucking boots you wear when you were a kid and they get them bronzed Right. They were in there. There was a lock in my hair in there There was Just miscellaneous stuff. Did you know about this before before she passed away or no? Oh, yeah Yeah, I used to put shit in there report cards and I got my name came out in the paper ones for basketball and

Just neat things little sayings that my mom wrote in there and shit like over the years about me And when my mom died I had all these boxes, but I had my eye on that one I didn't know where to put them. I was gonna put them in storage and my mom's friend Martin the fag my thing and money go He was a drug dealer and he was a good dude. He looked three blocks away from me. He goes. I'm gonna put the fucking boxes in my house He goes any time you want to come over and get stuff out of the box well

See the box Call me and you come over and see the box I didn't want to look at the box anymore after my mom died like six months after that One day I saw the writer or my god mother like have you gone over there and sat with the box? And I'm like no, I haven't gone over there sat with the fucking box. All right, but you know what if it's a big deal I go over there sat with the box I went over there. I looked opened up the box. I nearly had a fucking heart attack It was my kid stuff. It was just a bunch of stupid shit. They wanted me to go sit over there with the box

The box was supposed to have like some spiritual fucking meaning in my life, right? I go over there a few times I go in the room. He goes in the kitchen and watch tv I go in there sit down. I open up the box. I have a little nervous breakdown. I cry a few tears I wipe my tears. I close the box and I would leave One day I went in there the daytime And I opened the box and I had a little nervous breakdown But as I was wiping my tears I looked at another box that he had And it was open weird and there was a baggie sticking out of it

So I went over and they opened up the fucking baggie And under that baggie and another under that baggie and under the other baggie. There were big baggies to fucking blow So I took some of the coke out of the little baggie and I put it in like a dollar bill There must have been like 18 grams in there. Oh my god, okay I took like five or six and put them in a dollar bill like a piece of paper Whatever the fuck I had and I put in my pocket. I closed the box. I closed my box and I fucking left I went over there again And I opened up my fucking box and I would cry whatever the fuck

And one day I said fuck it. I'm robbing all the fucking blow Every time I went over there look over there and he had fucking 20 fucking bags of blow over there Maybe four or five ounces, maybe six, maybe 10. I don't fuck him now His blow or was it like your mom's blow? It was his fucking blow. My mom was dead I didn't know but I didn't know she was like hiding below in the ceiling How's my mom gonna be dead hiding fucking blow Lee? Okay, so I robbed this guy

But I fucked up the night I robbed him. I took the coke and I left the box I left the box That was the only time in my life. I sold my fucking soul Lee I want that box back. You don't have it. No What does he want for it? He's gone He's gone. Who the fuck knows where he's at. That was 30 fucking years ago When I went back in 91 I mean he was looking for me for a while because I robbed this fucking blow people were telling me was fucking looking for me

People are you know, Martin the fag wants to talk these around town looking for you And I went to colorado the whole fucking thing was forgotten I walked around jersey. I didn't see him and then I went to colorado for six years when I came back in 91 I said I gotta go down and see martin the fag and get my box My friends lived upstairs from martin the fag. I bumped into the sister and I asked if martin was still there And she goes no he moved like three years ago. He didn't know what happened The brother owned the spick store on the corner we were kids And they used to make the best fucking steak sandwiches over there for lunch

He got into a fight with his wife They argued the cops came they arrested him for domestic violence He fucking hung himself in the jail cell So I guess she closed the shop moved back to Miami with fucking martin the fag her brother her brother-in-law So do you think it's possible to get the box back? You ready for this? I'm ready I do this fucking thing at Marie T. I gotta I gotta call one day in 2014 from this company And they want to do a video me talking about my youth

And I meet them and we start and they start asking me questions about new york city They want to know about new york in the 70s And they're asking me these questions and I described who I lived with blah blah blah blah blah blah who I hung around with Shot a video that was it went home never thought about it again About six months later. I get hit up on twitter This girl watched the video She was in vegas one time when they did a show at rogue and she came up to me this girl

And she goes I had a dream about you have to listen to some story My friend's gonna talk to you about something. I don't know what the fuck she was talking about Well, she contacted her friends and I went to see this cuban kid From new york city the girl went online looked at the video and caught the video I did For the dude and it's her mother-in-law that I was talking about. Oh, yeah She hit me up on twitter and she goes. I know who your godmother is And we have your fucking box Oh, then we went to Miami when I went to Miami last year

So do you have the box now? I got the box Have you looked at it? Yeah, I looked at it It's like fucking my soul It's like the box that The guy was looking for and pope friction was revolting the black guy went over there and shot the people It was his soul Then when they went to see that fucking black guy and he had a band-aid on his neck, right? That's that whole thing. I mean, I'm not saying it was my soul. So but it's weird how I sold my soul

And I got it back 34 fucking years later Why haven't you talked about it until now? Because I didn't know how to tell the story. I didn't know how to describe what had just happened How you could lose something that you fucking gave up 34 years ago for a bag of blow And I got back these are all the second chances I got So because of that and all that I just been feeling fucking guilty I caused a lot of havoc Lee I caused a lot of havoc among good people

I had a really bad energy in those days if I came around you Lee you'd get a flat tire Like that's how much of a kiss of death That's why I know what the kiss of death is because I was the kiss of death for a long time That's why like I think I don't even know how you would do it, but if you could just get it off your mind Because they they it's 40 years ago. They're probably letting it pass. Let's give some shout outs. All right, john valentine 2 glenn Carter my man donjito andros andre silver

220 gig andrew southern Zach berkshman cleo always looking good. We gotta do cleo's podcast man. We go with that And this is so uh nice. I want to give you motherfuckers Some shout outs you bad cocksuckers Well, Lee what you stoned? What are you gonna do today? You're gonna go out with me. What are you gonna do? Are you going to help? Why don't you go to john budd's kajijitsu? I'm fucking high as fuck. That's what you should do today. You should go to john budd's 1915 jiu-jitsu Well, you go home now. You take a little nappy nunu nappy nunu. I had like 400

Milligrams. You got nothing. I gave you 350s. Do you have 150? They don't make 50s. In fact eat these fucking two right here Get two more. You got any water left? I got plenty of water. You want to eat two more? No. Why not? Because it's the fuck. Look at my eyeballs Fuck you. You know nothing. Hey four of them. I'm still over here fucking uh John blazing it by myself cocksucking all of a sudden you're depressed. So yeah, that's what's going on man, but I I just uh, you know I don't know where to start. I just feel really bad about that time. That's it. That's all I want to say And since we got family and they listen to this shit. I want to know, you know

It's funny. I mean, there's some great fucking stories with the denny's on that ryan sickler podcast There's some great. I mean, there's just some great shit. But you know the denny's I I never took a driving test the denny's uncle owned a driving fucking company guy came over I didn't even take I didn't take the car around the block. He gave me a driver's license for like a hundred bucks You know, this is the fucking crazy life. I live who the fuck do you tell this shit to? That's hysterical I bet doesn't make you a bad person Everything I did in those days was badly

Everything I fucking did, you know, even like an except hanging out with villo and conty and smoking dope with those guys When I was a sophomore, but everything else I did. I was the kiss of fucking evil All my thoughts in those days. I was so twisted That all my thoughts were fucking evil man every decision I made I made it without even thinking I didn't I didn't think of the consequences who I was hurting And it's just a bad feeling even if it's just for a few years of my life I still retained a lot of friends because they knew what I was going through and my sincerity and I always apologize and I'm honest with people but Uh, it was just fucking tough, man. It's not to say the stuff that you did wasn't bad

But how long can you punish yourself for? It's like I mean If you don't like acting like that when I did that time, I wiped my hands clean I said, this is the time I'm doing for all the bad things. I thought I did You know, I got karma. I believe in fucking karma the kid. I lost the kid, you know my behavior with that A lot of shit. There was a lot of fucking pain a lot of fucking, you know, a lot of insecurity a lot of fucking doubt But you make peace with yourself and you move fucking forward and tomorrow's another day You could just be that much fucking better the next day. I'm not gonna let my character ruin my destiny, bro

Not at all. If not, I'd be shut with some fucking lighters and you know Eyeballing windows and shit like I used to I used to dog if I saw a window open my dick would get hard in those days I was a fucking klepto fucking maniac. That's all you need is one open window Lee, I didn't even need a window. Yeah any opening I would take anything if this jar was sealed I would take it and go to Whole Foods and say I bought this here. Let me get my money back Geez just full time. It's just a full time. It just never fucking ended. So yeah, I have some parts, you know See, I mean you have some bad karma about 30 years later. Yeah. No, listen, man. I did it all with the comedy. I did it all

You know, I suffered fucking enough, you know, nobody fucking nobody think you you you think the drive was The drive was the fucking pain the gasoline of this fury was the pain It always is that's what sparks you there's got to be something that fucking sparks you You know, you get cut from a professional basketball team. How much do you work? Next time you try out for something, but your motivation is fucking pain You know, you get fired from a job. That's easy because you didn't hustle Next time you get a job, how fucking strong are you gonna be? We don't get stronger as we go along we get stronger because we recover from different fucking pitfalls that we have

I mean, that's how it works for me Do you think that's going away now? what with stuff like participation trophies and and and like Parents giving kids money all the time Like do you think that like that having falling to fall down and stuff isn't happening as much? I don't know. I don't know individuals lives and how they recover from different things

Yeah, listen Frankie Edgar isn't good because he's a great fighter He's good because he could take a punch and he recovers well And he gets his wits about him and that's what life basically is you're a fucking fighter And from time to time you know, you kick them the fucking stomach And it's if you sit there and have to take therapy or whatever or you go home write it out And go these are my parameters and this is my fucking plan. I'm gonna attack this You know, like I told you a thousand times I could have collected disability and you've been a felon at the age of

Dirty I could have collected disability and told a bunch of lies and lived off of six hundred dollars a month and been content with that There's people all content with that That's crap. I mean, it's just it's But you do you really think I was gonna stay hit After going to jail not do some of my life to prove at least to myself that I had a little fucking value And I'm not talking about doing movies all I wanted to was just survive and pay my bills And stay out of trouble if I could do that that was success in my eyes I'm not talking about eating at fucking restaurants and jet-setting and driving a Porsche. You know, that's what I that's not success for me

That's excess Success is doing something with your life waking up every morning having a fucking purpose and do you think because you're getting more successful? That's why you feel more you feel worse about it. No, I don't feel worse about it at all I feel bad about that time in my life I feel bad about that time in my life in many ways not just about the bad I did what was going on around me But is it intensified because you're doing well now? Not at all. It was always there It was just when I wrote it out and discussed it

That it hit me back when he was on the first time Look how much I forgot all about that chinese restaurant. Shit would run He just knew how to press my buttons And then he called me before I went on the podcast and he's like these are the questions You know, I read and I said I don't want to know the questions I don't want to have mentally prepared answers for you But this is what he really wanted to know about on the drive down there. I thought about I'm like wow If people only fucking knew it was an adventure every fucking day

It was an adventure every day It's a crazy way to live your life. I mean at that age You know Ralph. He was in here saying he had pt fucking sd. If he's got ptsd. What the fuck do I have? I got something too. I got hitting that a thousand fucking times too dog You want to sign up for a check excuse me you want to sign up for a check? No, I'm just saying that Listen, it's how we fucking bounce back cocksucker. Let's do the sponsors. Let's get the fuck out of here. It's labor day, bitch It's over. Let's go get some speech

What let's go to the beach. I might go to the beach with the baby this weekend I might do a lot of fucking things. I'm just happy we got together for this little podcast We listened to sweetleaf and we talked about women and we talked about fucking chinese people Whatever the fuck we did today. They're good. Just a nice simple one. That's it. We had turtles in here. We had you know The broad in here we had some guests for the last couple weeks. I just want to change it up today It's the beginning of the month. It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive Maybe you guys just wanted to hear me and lee. You know how we do it though always keeping on your motherfucking toes bitches What lee what lee first sponsor the ones I love the most fucking on it

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The shumtex the shumtex sport, you know, I took one of those things today The first they made us do minute rounds and go from people to people I gotta tell you something man The first one I had a hard time I rested a little bit and after that I did great I was in fact, I was getting too much oxygen. I didn't get submitted You know, I I won't put and I fucking did all my little hip escapes and shit So this shit works at least it works for me If you don't believe me go to go to honic.com right now. Take a look at the web page

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All right to my people at nature box always making it happen Always making it happen. You know, I love these guys. I'm surprised. They're still doing this. I just ordered a box Okay, and uh, I don't know when I'm gonna get it. Hopefully I get it in the next two days I wanted it before labor day and I'll save you a bag. It was whatever. Yes, I will. You know, I love you cocksucker Listen when it comes to snacking healthy when it comes to snacking healthy and smart Nature box is the way to fucking go their products are tremendous from the sriracha cashews To the chocolate nom-noms to the to the lentil the salt and pepper lentils I mean those things are my all-time favorite in there and every time I go on that web page

They got more and more healthy delicious snacks, but they listen again They had these aciago crisps that someone brought me in toronto. He brought it to the weed par. Oh, I'm telling you I'm guys like better cheez-its. Um, I'm telling you guys and you know what they're doing right now The first box is on them. That's how good nature boxes. That's how much they believe in that product You think I would fuck with them if I didn't believe in their product that they're My snacks are nutritious delicious. You could reseal them up They send you a box with five different bags in there. You could take three of these You could eat the plantains of south pacific plantain guys. I'm not bullshitting you do me a favor

We're going to naturebox.com right now and press in go to naturebox.com slash joey slash joey and the box is on them Who takes care like this? No limited time on delay cocksucker. They ain't fucking around. They might run out of this shit I mean the first box is on them. They're doing this. So please go to naturebox.com slash joey get your First box of nature box on the arm on them. Who's better than fucking nature box? Go there right now and get some snacks. Hopefully you get them before memorial before labor day Hopefully the day after who's better than you to watch football with your fucking snacks Which are on naturebox.com do me another favor as far as comfort's concerned. I had two people tweeted this week. Listen I don't know what you pay for fucking underwear. I have no idea

The underwear me and they sent me are the ones I wear constantly especially when I go to jiu jitsu I don't want nuts falling out and flying. I don't want sweat everywhere today. I took my jiu jitsu pants off They were sweaty. I took the underwear off. They were sweaty on the outside on the inside. They were dry and the fuck I don't walk all fucked up no more. There's no shaving You know why because the material is light It's smooth whether you have one of their t-shirts on or their sweatpants Or their hooded sweatshirts the material always feels good But as far as your ball sack and what goes down there listen me on these is the fucking best

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I want to give a shout out to my people nailed their life. I want to give a shout out to my people over at ultra flicks I want to give a shout out to my people over at next issue Everybody's doing a great job. Thank you very much for supporting us and supporting the podcast you bad motherfuckers And that's it hittie six is always with us and don't forget i'm at the commie store with my main man dean del ray on wednesday night And jim uh florentine friday. I'm at the ice house 9 11 And then the following weekend it goes down. We had to we met some cool motherfuckers last night Remember the chick. Yeah, the real nice. They're gonna be in vegas some people coming out I tape uh, I'm doing a run-through on friday

But the real taping is sadder. I think it's the 19th if you're around come over and say hello new york city Oh, shit the 25th and 26th But fuck it. Let's burn the special first. Don't worry about new york city And and don't forget guys if you want to go to the vegas special Call them up and tell them you want a room and show package. I think it's called and they'll give you a special deal on the room So as angelo southern said only a momo Mike over at south points taking good care of Mike's a great guy and I said cocksuckers

That's what's been bothering me lately. So it's not bothering me no more. I just wanted to No, man, but I can understand where I would weigh on your soul, but You can't I got a child, you know, and I I don't I know she you know, I'm gonna have to tell all these stories But uh, well, they're gonna be out there. That's gonna be fucked up Eventually she's got mercy is gonna listen to these eventually. So what? So what I'm gonna listen to these and uh What the fuck is fan do what why they keep bothering me? I don't want fan to I don't know these people Why are you bothering me for?

PlayStation who the fuck is placed there? Why the PlayStation bothering me for you know what I'm saying? I don't know these fucking animals What do you got planned this weekend sexy motherfucker got the uh the fair on friday. Oh, that's right. Where do you have to go to? I don't know. Pomona. Yeah, sure. What time are you leaving? I opened at noon so they were gonna go get like a late breakfast around there It'll be fun Some guy some someone who listened said he works there at the ice cream. He can get me ice cream ice cream. Yeah, it's a good time Look at you little fucking ice cream this weekend. What are you doing for labor day? You going anywhere? You want a party?

One what day is labor day monday you fuck don't we have a podcast? Maybe But maybe what you have no friend you don't want to go swing somewhere V-mack will probably have a barbecue remember go over there. That'd be nice I'm gonna throw some kettlebells on tuesday. You're doing good. You were fucking throwing those things up. Yes I really like the kettlebells. He killed us yesterday. Jesus christ I went up to it because I had hurt my elbow so for two weeks So I like the 25 pounders and then like yesterday we he pushed me to the 45

You're going to see Hassan tomorrow at 12 30. Yes, you're gonna have a good time trust me Listen man. Yeah, I've been very the two things. I'm sticking with Are things that have been There's nothing like doing something and not having support or not having help, you know When I first got into comedy I had great help. I had great help from a kid named Todd Jordan Uh, obviously they saw something of me like I see in Kate I would help Kate. I would help

Any comic that I've had in that chair even comics. I don't have in that chair from johnny rock to riso If I see somebody putting the work in I would help them and create an opportunity for them. That's what you do as an older comic you teach, you know, you You it's it's it's a brotherhood Okay, it's really a brotherhood comedy. That's why when I got into this I got into this because I was the impression that this is a brotherhood and for some comics it really is For some people it's being in hell's angels. That's a brotherhood or in a gang or in the mafia For me, this was my brotherhood. At least that's what it felt like

And then for a couple years Uh, I got that feeling alienated from me when all that stuff went down at the store But over the last couple years I feel the brotherhood again You know, it's not all of us across the country, but in my realm it's Duncan Ari Shafi is my brother. Joe's my brother. Brian Cowan's my brother Tom Segura is my brother, you know, this Ryan Sickler is my brother. Josh Wolfe is my brother Brodie Stevens is my comedy brother. What does that mean? That I you know, I'm I got that back

That's that's what the privilege I got that if I if they're in need Greg Fitzsimmons I have so many Jerry Rocha. I have so many comedy brothers. Gabriel Martin Moreno, Alfred Robles I would do anything for them Because they put the work in With jujitsu It's been amazing to support I'm terribly But everybody wants to help me. There's nothing I could do for them. When I had to teach them how to write a Joe What am I gonna do? Put them on TV? I can't put them on TV

But me going in there and being built like I am and being old or at least, you know, not 22 Inspires them and they want to help Everyone's been very nice to me. I did so it's not it's and we once you put it out there When you next time you come on here and you go, oh and hey bro, I'm gonna go to Boston You're gonna get three emails from Boston saying hey, man We'll pick you up at your house take you to jujitsu train you we got moves for you already I think I'm a big little guy. You have small legs Don't say shit like that to you. You're like, oh my god. Oh, no, they've been very nice

and in and hold on honesty When I started they just want to start doing kettlebells. I just love that I wasn't having a great time at jujitsu just because I'm so terrible because you know, it's hard It's not easy work But think of once you put a year in a crawling on the floor like a fucking iguana And what happens to your body? That's a long time doing something you don't like who gives a fuck you'll like it Trust me. You don't like it right now Because you're not good at it. Yeah, nobody like that's why 90% of people quit in the beginning

Because they're not good at things You know what you were a fucking terrible swing on the first week you went in there now you're swinging You gave it a chance All right, let's go though. Yeah, you listen. You know what happened when you did to that shit pushed your heart to the fucking limit You thought your little fat little Jew heart was gonna blow up. Yeah, you know what nobody likes that You either you're the first one to be uncomfortable I was more uncomfortable than you are and I got more of a chance than fucking punching the ticket than you do I didn't like it. You think I like feet?

You think I like men sweating on me and smelling armpits and people doing crossover and smelling an asshole in your face But I've never been treated that way I've never had guys stop and say hey man, put your arm there and choke me Oh, no, everyone's always been super nice. So Trust me on telling you never kicked off. You never kick a fucking horse in the mouth That's offering you a sandwich whatever that fuck expression. I don't know what the fuck You never kick a gifted horse in the mouth Trust me on telling you what are you gonna do do that fucking elliptical the rest of your life

That's what you're trying to tell me and the kettlebells right That's what you're gonna do you're gonna do elliptical to your 50 because you know you stay off that elliptical for two months You and mom it's all over the shop Right, you know, they don't have to tie a string around you float you around the fucking town So is that what you're gonna do till you're 65? I don't fucking think so get involved in the marshal I don't give a fuck if it's doing a bone hour, but you can't sit on that couch three days a week four days a week That elliptical that shit don't work for you no more. He's wasting your time

Ask the fucking steve the yogi guy You're just getting whether what's the new expression you're getting skinny fat Go throw some fucking kettlebells around you a 27 year old young man I'll be any kind of skinny I can get in that fucking thing over there and get on the back and start choking people Because if the shit goes down one day, how are you gonna protect them fucking your wife? All right, trust me. You're always gonna be a little chubby. You're gonna have a big head. You can headbutt motherfuckers So No, but you pick that up you add that into your own little street jujitsu something goes down

You know paul's gonna be an attorney something goes down. You don't want to go to karate You don't want to go to a psychic. What are you gonna hit him with a kettlebell? No, you might as well learn something get involved with some kids that are your age And still there's some fact. Oh fuck like me And you have a complete different life You're doing something else but right now you go to kettlebells on tuesday You go to that gym the same parking spot every fucking day for the last 16 months to 55 minutes And you go home. No sit-ups. No push-ups. No nothing else

You know why you almost fucking passed out of kettlebells because there was somebody there lee Helping you pushing you a little bit Yeah, and this is why people pay for personal training because if not They'll stay on the elliptical and do the lowest thing they could do the rest That's why I like kettlebells so much and one day you're gonna go for a run There's gonna be an earthquake and a run and you're gonna go man. I'm not really in shape How come I go there and I run 55 do an hour and five minutes and I'm like johnny fucking floating on air But now I got a run from fucking Godzilla and I'm out of breath after a minute. Trust me, brother

10 years from now. You're gonna look at me and go dog. That's the best thing you ever said to me I'll keep going listen man A few people at home that I'm only listening for advice. I like listening to advice either But the reason why I'm here is because of advice from somebody who cares for me and everyone loves it It just seems like it's a long like I felt like those people just probably loved it from the I see people who love it from the beginning The people that are involved in jiu-jitsu are people just like you Everybody who walked in there from fucking what do you think hasan is in a motorcycle people fucking hasan's a Mild man a guy that whole school was a bunch of editors at one time. There was six editors the rest of the computer nerds

We think walks into jiu-jitsu. Yeah, there's some guys that are top three or four But the rest of them are guys like you that just go in there for a year shut their mouths get beat up for nine months Lose 50 pounds Get stronger than that that guy that scott ross the guy we had here that nerd the fucking writer guy That guy that's been my brother for 15 fucking years He wasn't built like that if he doesn't lift weights, that's just jiu-jitsu his body changed 100% since I hung out with him in triply 17 years ago at the store. He just got his black belt from Eddie

Well, you see that and he's gonna be 40 Okay, so at 40 this is keeping you alive Three days a week whenever when paul is breaking your balls when the podcast numbers are down and everything's fucking going down Instead of parking over there and being around douchebags at that place You tape your hand you put your little gi on you do some jumping jacks. You go over there and you choke men out You're finished. They you get choked out. You see how come you come to death But you didn't die you take your gi off you take your t-shirt off You have a protein shake and you feel so much better about yourself

You know that fucking elliptical and do what do what? It's time to all right. Don't do the elliptical at least go for a fucking run around north hollywood park What are you gonna do? I'm gonna run Oh, it's boring. Well that fucking ellipticals gotta be dead too. No All right, let's get the fuck out of here. I love you guys one more time on it naturebox.com And me on these all right. We love you guys. We'll see you monday. Have a great safe weekend Stay black And all that shit

They show Let's see Now that the show is over. Don't forget to go to naturebox.com And get your sample box your first box on your first sample box on them Forget the vending machine and start snacking smarter with delicious treats like barbecue kettle kernels Go to naturebox.com slash joey. That's naturebox.com slash joey Show us about you by me on these dot com go to me on these dot com slash joey and get 20% off your first order With free shipping in the united states in canada

And go to onus.com. We use cover church to get 10 off all their great optimization products What's up, man? I was a shitty With so much drama in the lbc it's kind of hard being a snoop d o double g But I somehow some way keep coming up with funky as shit like every single day May I kick a little something for the g And make a few wins as I breeze through two in the morning and the party still jumping took my mama at home I got bitches in the living room getting it on and they ain't leaving till six in the morning So what you want to do?

Shit, I got a pocket full of ruffles and my homeboys do too So turn off the lights and close the door, but but what we don't know the party So we don't smoke an ounce to this jeez up holds down while you motherfuckers bounce to this Rolling down the street smoking in and out sipping on dinner news Lay back with my mind on my money and my money on my mind Rolling down the street smoking in and out sipping on dinner news Lay back with my mind on my money and my money on my mind I got me some sequence gene everybody got their cups, but they ain't chipped in

Now this type of shit happens all the time you gotta get yours before I gotta get mine Everything is fine when you're listening to the d.o.g I got the cultivating music that be captivating he who listens to the words that I speak as I take me a drink to the middle of the street and get to mackin to this bitch named Shades She used to be the homeboys lady 80 degrees when I tell that bitch, please raise up off these new tees. Did you get none of these at ease? As I'm out with the dog pound feel the breeze be eye-chopped just Rolling down the street smoking in and out sipping on dinner news

Lay back with my mind on my money and my money on my mind Rolling down the street smoking in and out sipping on dinner news Lay back with my mind on my money and my money on my mind Later on that day my homie dr. Dre came through with a game to tangle race And a fat ass jay of some bubonic product that made me choke. Shit. This ain't no joke I had to back up off of it and sit my cup down Sangre and chronic yeah, I'm fucked up now, but it ain't no stopping I'm still poppin straight out some bitches from the city of Compton to serve me

Knocked with a cherry on top because when I bust my nut I'm raising the box to cop Don't get upset girl. Let's just hot go's. I don't love you hugs. I'm out the dope Rolling down the street smoking in and out sipping on dinner news Lay back with my mind on my money and my money on my mind Rolling down the street smoking in and out sipping on dinner news Lay back with my mind on my money and my money on my mind Rolling down the street smoking in and out sipping on dinner news With my mind on my money, and my money on my mind

Rolling down the street, talking in and out Sipping on dinner bills With my mind on my money, and my money on my mind