Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #315 - Eleanor Kerrigan

Episode Date: September 8, 2015

Eleanor Kerrigan, Comedian seen on ShowTime's "Andrew Dice Clay Presents: The Blue Show, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: NextIssue.com/Joey for a free trial of the Magazine app Next Issue Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for five Hit E Cig's for $50 Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by using code word joeydiaz. They are also produce some of the best edibles on the market, Los Gummies Hermanos Recorded live on 09/07/15 Music:  Work it - Missy Elliot Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet Rock Bottom - UFO

This show is brought to you by Next Issue. Next Issue is the mobile app that lets you tap directly into the world's most popular magazines anytime, anywhere, using your phone or tablet. And the best part is Next Issue is offering a free trial right now when you go to nextissue.com slash joey. Here's the deal. It's a great app. It works on your phone or your tablet and you download legitimate versions of great magazines like Sports Illustrated, the ESPN app is on there, or the ESPN magazine, all of the natural geographic and it's the full magazine and with great pictures and great articles. It's really great. Go to nextissue.com slash joey. The show is also brought to you by onit.com. Go to onit.com and use Codeword Church

to get 10% off all of the great optimization products like Alpha Brain, New Mood, Shroom Tech Immune, Shroom Tech Sport, Codeword Church to get 10% off. Go to nailthelife.com for all the oil and wax smokers out there. The premier vapor pen on the market is brought to you by Nailed It Life. Use Codeword Joey Diaz when you go to nailthelife.com and you're going to get 20% off of that vapor pen. And if you live in California, only if you live in California, Nailed It Life is also the makers of those Gumi Shurmanos, some of the best edibles on the market, and they also have their white chocolate horchata treats. Go to nailthelife.com and use Codeword Joey Diaz to get 20% off.

Go to hitesigs.com. Better tasting, longer lasting, the proof is in the vape. They have e-cigarettes and e-cigars for you, and when you use Codeword Joey's Church, you're going to get five for $50. Oh, shit. The church, motherfuckers. It's Monday. Put that number up. Oh, here you go. Here you go. Do it. Shake that ass, cocksucker. Scratch that pussy. It's Labor Day, motherfuckers. Are you fucking kidding me or what? Missy Elliott dropping on you, motherfuckers. Fuck that little skinny white chick that people show up to play with. What's her name?

I don't know. Oh, what's her name? Taylor Swift? I don't even know one of her fucking songs. That's how I the fucking touch I am with her. You've heard it on the radio. I don't listen to the fucking radio. Sing one. I don't know any of them. I listen to, unless they play it on Ozzy's Boneyard, Lithium, I only listen to whatever that fucking shit is. Jimmy Florentine's show, Jim Norton's show. Serious. That's all. I don't even listen to Opie and Anthony. It's Opie and Jim. Whatever the fuck. I don't listen to anything that they talk on. I listen to music in my

fucking car, and there's never nothing new. It's Lithium. It's old school. Fucking Ozzy's Boneyard. The 80s. The one after that. Classic rock. Whatever the fuck that is. Classic rewind. That's it. The vinyl one. The vinyl classic vinyl. And every once in a while, I put on Studio 54, which kind of blows. They have one or two good songs every fucking three hours. Like a Donna Saba. The groove is killer. Or Sylvester. What's the groove? The one under it? What channel? I think it's under it. 51. Then like 48 has that one radio show with the Black People fucking the best show I've ever heard in my life. I don't even know what the fuck. The O-Hits or something. R&B. There's a bunch. No, they play like one song per podcast.

And they're just three Black guys that just torment people. I don't know what the fuck it is. What's up with you, Johnny Television? How much TV do you watch this weekend? Not much. Just a little much. Just found out. Yeah, we found out there was only 10, 30 minute episodes. 10, 30 minute episodes. We went to the LA Fair, which was a lot of fun. Right. It was great. We were there all day. Right. Walked around. You had a good time. What'd you do Saturday? I took the stars that you gave us. So, yeah, which took that kind of hung up. What'd you do yesterday and see? Nothing. Nobody sees Lisa yet. We see each other every day. What'd you do Sunday? I don't know. I have no idea what to do.

You sat there and watched more fucking TV. The sun's shining. You're fucking walking vitamin D deficient. And you got the time to sit in the fucking house. I'm gonna be vitamin D deficient no matter what I do. I don't tan. I burn or I'm white. California. You got to get out and get sun. First thing, how can you sit in that fucking house? I want you to go back. Easily. They have AC. I want you to go back home and smell that fucking sofa seat. Smell yours and hers. And ask yourself, what the fuck am I doing this wrong? Feet fucking asshole and shit. Oh yeah, I got the one with the I got a recliner on it. It's great. Sure you do. Smell that fucking thing tonight. No, I don't deal with you. You say I deal with 27 years old in all weekend, watching parks

and fucking recreation. No, this is what I'm talking about. This is unbelievable. A guy like me. Like I don't even understand. First of all, we watched one season. I had like only a few episodes. It's the fucking weekend. How many times did you drill a bunch? No, how many? I don't know how many and not every day. I got every day. No, you didn't. You don't have the balls to ask every day. Bend the fuck over, you fuck. Papa's coming to town, the King Jew. That probably wouldn't go over to work. You just take. No, but it's not. I mean, I ask, but it's also you probably invited her off for the weekend when she got a period to waste that fucking time. That's disgusting. Why? Really, with everything you look at, Mexican blood all over

the place. Looks like Viva's a path over the place. Disgusting. You don't do girls on the dog. Listen, when a girl's on a period, I don't want to see the bitch. You understand me? Not even from a distance, not even from a fall. I could sniff that fucking period. We just watched the episode peanuts and get all creepy and shit. We did watch the episode of the Sopranos where Junior is going to Boca and then everyone makes fun of him for eating pussy. Oh, that's a great episode. That's a great fucking episode. That's the episode that changes the series. Really? Because if Tony's wife had been quiet, hadn't like told like the secret and Tony didn't lose his temper on the golf course, then no bad shit would have happened. Everything bad happened from that

episode. Because the mom and Junior put the hit out on Tony? Yeah. Everything bad happened. Nobody better than the mom in that series. Oh my God, she's so scary. She's the best. There's some good fucking TV now on those Netflix and channels. Yeah. That Ron, whatever Perlman show looks okay. I'm going to start watching that. He plays the judge and the son kills himself and that son with the show. Listen, man, I don't like sitting there watching TV. But when you go out at night and do comedy, now they don't do blow. See, when you do blow, you get on stage and then you do blow. And that's your fucking night. But now when you don't do blow, it's kind of interesting. You come home, you get some coffee, you get a notebook.

You think of the jokes that bombed. You think of what didn't bomb. You know what I'm saying? You watch a little TV. I'm so happy to hear you say that. What's up, cocksucker? Look at you. Nothing. I'm high as fuck. What's up with you? It's different. When you have, when you get, listen, in the old days, as soon as I got off that stage, win place a show, whether I did good or bad, it didn't matter. Because I was going right to that bathroom. I didn't care if wheels was watching. And I was going to do two fucking blasts of debt. He wouldn't watch you unless you went in the ladies room. And then I would go right to that fucking bar and get a double or a shot. Yes. That was it. Just to get the blood going. And then after the alcohol came down, I got in

the car and I got the fuck out of there and went home for this, the package. So it's a complete different adventure now. I don't even know how to act, especially going to the store. Because for years, that was my M.O. When I went to the store, I was really scared. Does it trigger you there at all? Because some people can't do their set and they run out. I agree. I think it's a pussy thing. When I went in there for Marin, that was the first time I went in there. He was like that in the beginning. He got better now. Did he? But he was afraid to come in. Yeah. I hadn't been in there at all. And somebody, like, oh, Lee, I got to shoot at the comedy store. And a couple of people, like, are you concerned? I'm like, no. Well, not only were

you shooting at the comedy store, they made you do fake coke, right? I'm an adult, you know? Like, I'm a fucking adult. You know what I'm saying? Like, sorry, I got a nut. That's all right. Get it. Get it. It's clean. It's clean. I went from Jiu-Jitsu. But I remember going there and I got really sentimental. Yeah. When I walked in, those were the two reasons I went back to the store. I was walking through there and knowing that I had so much time invested. Yeah. And I'm not talking about fucking time in the belly room or time dicking around. I'm talking about sweat. I hosted in that motherfucker. Fuck yeah, you did. And I put all that time in there. Fat baby. Fat baby. And I went home and I had to do a colonoscopy. Ooh. And you can't sleep after a certain point. You

got to drink this fucking vinaigrette, like, too. Yeah. And I drank the vinaigrette and I started smoking. And it's not really vinaigrette. It's some juice they give you to shit your blood out or whatever the fuck. And for some reason, for years, Marilyn Martinez would torment me about being there. We would talk about comics like that shit you were watching this weekend. Yeah. Like, if you came to me and said, dog, I watched three Pink Panther movies with what's the name? Just to show where real fucking comedy is. I'd have no beef with you. I'd say you showed her history. Yeah, you showed her that shows. It's got no moments. Nobody's gonna remember that show in 30 years. Nobody just this fucking stupid generation. But that's the reason you don't need Chinese food

anymore. You have to be able to watch new things sometimes. That's garbage. There is so much. There is so much shit that you need to watch if you want to be in this business. And that's not one of them. Yeah, that's not one of them. I'm on Joey's side. Okay, that's not one of them. If you want to do anything with comedy, you got to watch the great fucking comics. And there is nobody who translated more film than Peter Sellers. And I hate fucking English people in the end at that time. At that time, I didn't know what the fuck was going on. Why are they speaking like that? And when I went to see those couple movies, and then I went back after I became a comic, see, I watched them. And then I went back after I became a comic and I shot

shit. So you know exactly when they told them cut, you know exactly when they said cut because they couldn't take it no more. Like this motherfucker cut. We can't take it. You just destroyed the set. Like if you ever see, they always say when Christopher Walkham walks on the set, it's completely different. You can have everybody on the set. Well, when Christopher Walkham's on the set, do yourself a favor, put away the cell phone because you're about to learn something. People like even in rehearsal, people clap. Like 30 fucking years, you know, it's 30 years. You cannot take that away from them. Well, what about the guy in fucking narco, the Mexican guy who we were talking about this past weekend? He plays Scotcho. Lewis Lewis. Yeah. Yeah.

Doing it fucking. How long you said 20 or 30 years? Terrific. I saw him on the second season of Miami Vice, the opening episode when the Colombians go to New York. He that's 1984. So you do the fucking math. Wow. That's 31 fucking years. You know, I was watching El Rey. You watch El Rey channel. It's Robert Rodriguez's channel. He's got some interesting stuff and he's got a lot of kung fu stuff. You can see where him and Tarantino blend. They like old school stuff. Yeah. They really went back. Listen, the cut volume killed Bill volume one and two. They're not Academy Award winners in my book. But if I see Tarantino, give him a hug. You know why? Because he's watched every bad martial art film I watched. He's watching references, you know,

they could reference it. So that's why I was telling Lee that I'd watch those first three Peter Seller movies that before any of this shit you're watching any of this shit, any of this nonsense that 902 and old black people in prison with the lesbians. I don't even know what the fuck you're watching. Orange is the new black. I like the fuck you're watching. I watch that one. If you and that's what happened. I had tape being there and Marilyn Martinez was a big time catholic. Big time catholic. You should always brush my balls about watch being there. Watch being there. I couldn't sleep and I had some weed and I smoked on it. Watch being there and it just took me. That's Dice's favorite movie. I mean, it has never, a movie has never taken me like this. Like

that I broke down emotionally in the living room like you do when you're nine and you're making your first communion for the first time and you go down there and everything's a joke. For me, everything is a joke until I got that wafer in my mouth and I sat down and knelt down. God touched me. I remember feeling like, you know, that's why I hate going to church in time because it's reality for me. When I go to church in times and I sit in and I'm a little high in the 730 mass and I'm not really ready to accept this, but I start looking at the 12 stations that across and by the time I get them getting picked up though, I break down. That's what I grew up in. That's what I fucking grew up in. So when I saw people, now I'm watching a guy, Lee, that was

my comedy idol. Like him, Jackie Gleason and what's to do with a tit would fall out in front of every show. The English guy, Benny Hill. That's as good as it gets in my world, especially after you've done comedy. So now I'm looking at this guy that I loved. Oh, please. Now I love this guy that I looked at as one of the best comedians of all time. He don't do a comedic thing and being there. Not a comedic thing, Lee. Like if I go for drama shows in times, that's like a cop asking me questions. After three questions, even me being dramatic, you're going to get a howl out of it because the way I say it, well, what do I know what the fuck he was? You know, something I'll start it and get a lot. Most producers don't want that. And they'll go, Joey, we really love you

for the role. But after the third line, you have this fucking howling. This is a TV drama. To TV drama. So Peter Sellers, when you have you seen being there? Yes. When you watch it and what's the name was good looking in that movie? Yes. She was beautiful in that fucking movie. When I watched that movie at five in the fucking morning, it just it just taught like I had to get up, smoke pot like a candle, you know, make breakfast. No, I couldn't even make breakfast. I remember saying when I get back and sleep, I'm calling the store for spots. That was the reason why that's how much that movie touched me because Marilyn. So it was Marin and that movie. How crazy? Just because Marilyn always referred that movie to me. Once I saw that movie, you never watched it when Q was

telling you to watch it. Listen, in 19, I get it. Like I was telling Lee from 88 to 2006, I only watched what was important to me. Right. I didn't go out of my limb because I didn't have time. I was snorting below. I was doing comedy. If it was something that motivated me, I'm in a hotel room and good fellas is on. I watch it. I'm in a hotel room on the weekends in fucking Philadelphia. Good fellas is killer. You know, and I watch gangland in a hotel. Do I stay home and watch it when I'm home on Friday morning? Fuck no. But when I'm in a hotel room, I can't wait to finish it. I can't wait to finish radio. So I get back to my hotel room, eat a fucking sandwich and watch gangland. And remember, here it starts at six. So in New York, it starts at nine.

So it goes to like three in the afternoon. So I'm in fucking heaven, but I got nothing to do. I'm in a fucking hotel room in a strange city. I could even get up, go to the museum, which I'm not doing. Yeah. Or I could sit here and watch gangland and find out what black people do in Atlanta. Joe Diaz don't hit the met. Fuck. I did all that dumb shit. I walked around for years. You do that as a feature act. When you're a headliner, you don't have fucking time. You have so much things in your mind. You have people paying money to come see you that want to laugh. When I'm a feature in front of Joe, do you think I gave a fuck? Who didn't come? I have 20 minutes to do. I just go up there and do stupidity. But if you want people to keep coming back, you got to get up and give

them some love. So if I'm out fucking around all afternoon with people, eating hot dogs, by the time I get there at eight o'clock, I'm more hot, hot, hot out. Yeah. I'm already cha cha chaed out. There's not a lot of ha ha's at the met. There's no ha ha's at the fucking met. So you go to the met and get a little culture. I did. I made dice go last year, last summer. Me and his wife got him to go. It was pretty amazing to watch him. What is this shit? Because look around. I'll tell you why it's amazing. We didn't ever show that. The same reason why my wife has a great time with me. Because why come from? You don't go to the fucking met. No, man. Okay. So when somebody makes you go to the met, at first you fight it,

but then you actually have a great time. Yeah. Like my favorite place in New York, New York City, the fucking, listen, when New York sneezes, all you little motherfuckers catch a cold. Yeah. And the story. But my favorite place in New York is smoking a joint, one in Museum of Natural History. God forbid, God forbid I catch an egg roll before I walk in there or two. God forbid I catch an egg roll by mistake or two good, separate hot dogs or a good fucking, a good fucking those steaks on a stick that you put on the gyro and eat it. God forbid on the way in, I catch three or four of those. Two, three hours at the stat, at the Museum of Natural History, there ain't nobody better than you. With a walking on stone to the fucking gills and you get the thing and then you

go out, you just hit the fucking two turuts and you come back in again. That's my world. That's number one. Number two is going deep into Harlem, getting a bag of dope and getting some Cuban food or some black soul food or some barbecue and going to a fucking triple feature like a Clint Eastwood triple feature for $3. And listen, anybody can go to movies with white people, go to movies with black people. That's what people, right there, this is 30 years ago, ladies and gentlemen, I don't know how it is now, but I watched all those movies. That's an afternoon for me. Everything else going to the beach and all that shit in New York. I'm not going to San Gennaro feast when I go back there. I don't like none of that shit, man. I really like when I had line

Friday and Saturday, I like to relax. I don't want no drama. Yeah, yeah, let's do dinner, do dinner with your mother, not this time. I'm by myself today. If not, I gotta talk to you about the chicken. What do you think about the lettuce? Yeah, I'm fucking wearing myself out. Yeah, I don't want to wear myself out. I just got so many fucking talks. What's up, Lisa? So no more this shit on the weekend. We do the same. We like the same thing. Just going outside. That's why you get a girlfriend. You don't have to go outside anymore. I'm going outside. My boyfriend cleaned my windows today. You gotta go outside early in the morning. You gotta go out and greet the day. How can I talk to you at nine at two o'clock? You're headed to the gym. You sat there for four hours

looking and watching, looking at what? Doing what? How can you sit in the house at nine in the morning once the day opens up looking at TV? Where do you go at nine in the morning? Anywhere, but in that fucking house. Really? I can listen. Third thing I do is take a shower and wash my pussy so there's no misunderstanding. Okay, okay. You ever get up and you're all little bots and you're fucked up and at 11 o'clock you realize you haven't taken a shower? Because you didn't take a shower. Take a fucking shower. It wakes you right the fuck up. Don't show up by me with fucking curls and that fucked up head. No, take a shower in the fucking morning. I agree. And it makes it brightens everything. Once you take a shower, it's like your mind tells your body why they take a shower from. Let me go

outside and see what's cracking. And you go outside and you look and you get some man. You thank the Lord for giving you another fucking day. Look, whoever's ever running shit on the sun. Thank you for turning it on another day. Somebody paid the bill for the sun. Somebody paid the light bill. They paid the light bill. Something. And by doing that, now you're like, well, I got to do something. Well, maybe I don't have to go exercise. Nobody says you got to go exercise. Who am I? Jack LeLane? Go for a walk. Go for a walk. Roll that number, that same joint you smoked on your balcony. When was the last time you smoked a joint? Just went for a walk to think I have ideas. Uh-oh. You don't. I've been telling you for 10 fucking years,

smoke a little joint, go for a fucking walk. See what happens to you. See what happens to you. I live next to a Popeye's in the Wienersnitzel. Where am I going to walk? To Popeye's the Wienersnitzel. But if you notice, next to the fucking Popeye's is a yoga studio that's offering a free week for free. I can't do that in the half beginning. Why not? How many classes am I going to sign up for? It's better. It's a free week. You're going in like a Jew. You're going in for a week and on the fifth deli, you run the fuck out. I hurt my wrist. I'm on disability. I shouldn't have been here anyway. I'm doing kettlebells due to the gym. That's it. That shit you're doing at 24 hours,

I don't count no more. Yes, it does. Walking up and down. That don't do nothing to you no more. It doesn't. You're way beyond that now. You can't, a year, he's been on the elliptical like a momo. A year. That said it wore off. It's lying to you. The things in your hands are lying to you. I don't know if that's accurate. All right. I'm telling you right now. Tomorrow you got kettlebells, John Bud said you're going to Jiu-Jitsu Wednesday night with him. It's going to be nice. I'm going to take care of you. How am I going to go Wednesday night with him? We've got no podcast Wednesday night. You go to Jiu-Jitsu, we've got no podcast. See that? You just gave me the night off.

You're going to get choked and get bruised. You get beat up. What the fuck? What's better than that? Who's better than you? 27 years old. You got the world by the balls. That Omaplata is scary. That's right. It's all scary. It's a crazy move where like they flip you over and like they have your arm with their legs and it's just like. If I never doing knee bars, I was upside down with my asshole wide open. If the fag would have been flying by and he got shot by a gun, he would have flown right into my fucking asshole. Just on fucking Magneto. You know? Perfect. Just on Magneto. Just on Magneto purposes. Someone needs to illustrate that. Did you see someone did a cartoon of when Ralphie was on? No. And I looked like the Hitler's drawings

of Jews. What? Oh, like the guy who drew me. It looks like I'm like the drawings that Hitler did of the Jews. It's fucking hysterical. I don't know if I ever saw the drawings that Hitler did. Not Hitler did, but the Nazis did. You didn't know that? Yeah, I didn't know Hitler. They've not had a drawing school. Actually, Hitler was an artist. He's making little stick figures. Hitler was an artist. Like half these mumbo's were an artist and that like. He wasn't bad. Everybody wants to be an artist. Well, he wasn't bad. Now you're defending Hitler? No. They should have let him in to art school. If they let him in to art school, he wouldn't have killed all the Jews. He would have been a prick anyway. He would have done something that

cocksucked. Yeah, he would have figured something out. Yeah. Hitler had a fucking plan since day was so what they're saying if he would have got to art school and if I would have got the prison, I wouldn't have kidnapped Kent Beller. You know what I'm saying? Same fucking difference. I guess. I don't know. I don't know if anyone's saying it. I said it when I found out that he didn't get into art school. He tried to get in twice. Maybe if he was an artist, he wouldn't. So that's what I'm saying. So you're saying he's an artist. If he was a better artist, if he was a better artist, he would have gotten to drawing school. Maybe he should have been born today where they give everybody a ribbon. So he felt good about himself. Too bad. He was born

in a day where you got to be good or you don't get in. He was a fucking artist. Hold on. Let me throw a piece of fucking peanut butter on that white wall. Boom. I'm a fucking artist and there's always three jerks sitting there scratching their chin going, oh my God, that's brilliant. What else? It's just a different society to get into. Now even comedians, they're artists all of a sudden. I'm a fucking comedian. I don't know about no artistry. I don't know how to tell stories at Hashway's Deli. That's my university. These guys go to Juilliard. They're walking around half retarded. I don't know how to do comedy 101 at Hashway's Deli on a bus. That's right. You know, what the fuck? I'm going to go to fucking improbable Olympic and jump around with

those fucking moments. Please. I would hate anything to see you there. Hold on. I'm a lizard. Hold on. Here I am. I'm a lizard. I just saw a lizard. I almost died coming up the stairs. He was three years. Where? Right downstairs. Little fucking lizard ran from me. You know, like lizards? Let me tell you something. I'm a New York City kid. Let me tell you something. When I was a kid, I used to live in the city and I would go to Miami in the summers and they had tons of lizards in the first week. I couldn't sleep. Just knowing that lizards could come in my fucking window, I would have a hard time. You've seen, you saw dead bodies in lizard scarier? That's different. That's different. They're dead. They can't crawl. That's only an AMC and this fucking generation

sits there and watches a bunch of idiots walking around fucking dead. Walking dead? The fuck out of here? My brother Tommy watches marathons. It's crazy. The best is the people who dress up and go down to Jersey Shore and walk around like they're half dead. No. Listen, the best thing you could do to those people is get a machine gun and spray them while you're down. Just spray them and do them a favor. Look, you have that already. You walk around playing a TV show that shoots in Atlanta fucking like a Momo. Listen, I don't know what the fuck is going on with society. It's a mess. I was in the office before and I could hear the Scientology movie. Oh, it was great. Okay. And the first thing I'm thinking about in the back of my mind was

let's be honest with ourselves. I haven't heard one fucking black voice or Mexican in this. This is a white retardation. Absolutely. That you would join this shit. First of all, they blackmail you. There's no way about it. Is it Will Smith? Is it Will Smith one of them? Yeah, but he don't count. Yeah, he supposedly Tom Cruise got him. Yeah, but I think they got him later. Like we're, I'm serious. They got them recently and that's why them and his wife are breaking up. She went in there and said she sucked a thousand black cocks. They told him he went fucking bananas. He takes it in the ass. You know, they both had, both of them have allegations that the chick, I remember Eddie Griffin. She's a lesbian. Right. She's a lesbian. Eddie Griffin

saying that they used to, she was hanging out at the store and that she used to hang out at the store selling credit cards or boosting cards or whatever the fuck it is. But once she got with Will Smith, she cut all that communication or something fucking crazy. She was a little bit of a hood rat. Something crazy. Yeah. And then, but now like they're, they're talking about, oh, we're in an open relationship. She's going to pull more than him. She's going to get more pussy and dick than he could ever get. Absolutely. She fucked Jennifer Lopez's husband. That's how the whole thing started. He was walking around. He could get anybody. No, no, not like her. But Will Smith supposedly, the one on the street was, he was fucking the butler on the show, on him in the

no, the old guy. And that's why they canceled the show. I swear to God. Listen, let me tell you something. When I first came to this town, I got sat down. I got sat down by two black people who read me the riot act on my beliefs. The problem with the difference between the white community and the black community is the white community will give you up. The black community, listen, the black community has known for 30 years that Eddie Murphy's gay. Now this conversation we're having here does not change how I feel about Eddie Murphy or anything. I'm just telling you that he has say I've had. I know two police officers that have said that that second time they caught him with the transvestite in the car. That was the second time he got caught. The one time

he got publicized and he didn't go down there anymore. You know, I hear these stories about him going back to Long Island before Santa live that he has allegations of being gay again. It does not affect how I feel about him was coming. I don't care whether you're gay or not gay. It's the guys that now let me tell you something that I noticed. If you told me 18 years ago that Eddie Murphy was gay, I'd punch in the face once I saw him at the store. You knew. I knew. Yeah, me too. Didn't mean anything to me. Again, doesn't mean a thing to me. And then I had a friend at the best damn sports shop and she was blacker than black and she liked me. We used to talk all the time. And one day I asked him and she just opened the valve up and told because she was older. She

was, you know, 58 and she was like a wardrobe check and she was in that click with Quincy Jones. And you know, and also she opened the valve and just told me about you didn't know about Eddie Murphy. Oh my God. And then banks. What's the crazy black guy used to hang out at the store with the drink jiggling it all the time. He said he was Richard Pratt managing David Banks got rest of soul in my life. Banks. That's my boy right there. He just passed away. That's my man. Yes. So David Banks is up there one night. He used to talk shit. Lee Lee Sayat. Now what was Eleanor was fucking everybody. It's just fucking everybody. That was his. He told me what was he really Richard Price manager. No, he wasn't his manager. He was a writer producer. And he worked

for everybody. You could Google him. You could watch him at the roast. I think I believe it was a Paul Mooney roast back. Oh no, it was a prior roast back in the day. And Paul Mooney and David Banks and David Banks rips everybody, including Mooney, which he always he told me Mooney. He told me Mooney so much. Oh my God. He told me one day out of the store that poor Mooney suck Richard dick in the green room in the main room. He goes that he would say everybody meets you as fucking everybody. And then he goes that even Paul Mooney, he had his brazier on and he cried the whole time. And Paul Mooney a motherfucker and he come right he'd say right in front of a fight and they were so funny together. Guys, I wish you could see this. This is real black America. No, you can Google

it. It's fucking awesome. It's up there one night. I don't know nothing about nothing. I'm a fucking dummy comic just sitting for my waiting for my midnight spot. I go at nine. That's all I have. Guys, when I tell you that's all I was like Richard Pryor in office in the gentleman. That's all I if the commie store, the doors open at nine. I was there in 10, 930 waiting for a fallout. You never know. Yeah, they look at him. Oh my god. Oh my god. He's really young. David Banks. Most people know Richard as a comedian and an actor and so when that ain't even how he started. He started as an athlete. That's pretty fair to me too. Oh yeah. He was an athlete. He was no boxer. You can see that. He went no boxer. But he used to get out on baseball and do it as usual style.

How you see how he can rap. I remember I was with it, man. That's how the Dodgers when they had the annual trial for the spring training. All the ball players came out on the field. They had those long socks, the spikes. Richard fell out on the field trying out for the team. He had on some hip huggers. San Remo boots. Big Apple hat, cock, ace, deuce. Man came out on the field. He said, what do you want out here? He said, I came out to the ball yard, baby, to try out for the team. He said, what position can you play? He said, I can handle them all. He said, you mean you can play all positions in baseball? He said, yeah, I don't know. I already told you, man, what you keep asking before? Some man said, well, I'm going to ask them two or three questions

and I'll shoot them on to the exit gate. So you see, you can play all positions in baseball, right? He said, tell me, can you play third base? He said, I turn the hot corner cool. He said, can you play shortstop? He said, I pick it like pepper. You know pepper's hot. He said, can you play second base? He said, in and out the hole all day, can drink. Don't miss. He said, can you play first base? He said, when I'm on the sack, you can't throw bad. He said, can you play center field? He said, I covered like the morning dew. You know that's all over. He said, can you catch? He said, in the crowds, throw BBs, the second base, waist high. Don't miss. He said, can you run? He said, a road runner comes second.

He said, can you bat? He said, inside my pitch down the middle all day outside over the fence, can pole. He said, can you pitch? He said, ain't been in the stretch yet. He said, what's your name, man? He said, sweet chocolate brown is my name, shining up with dew drop, Griffin, gon' live. Man, he said, you too tough, man. He said, tell you what, you get on out in left field. He said, what? He said, you get out in left field. He said, which way is that, man? Who's the white dude clapping? I don't know. That's crazy. But he did roast everybody. On the panel too. Well, he always used to be drink David. Yeah. He always had that little

drink and he shake his hand and I always tell the story. I'm out there and he comes up to me and it's Eddie Murphy, Paul Mooney, Arsenio Hall and the singer from the black good looking singer from the new edition. Bobby Brown. No, that's the wrong group. Yeah, I know. I could see his face. Ralph. No, I'm on the wrong name. He used to come up there with Eddie Murphy. Yeah. And they're standing by the comedy store sign outside talking. It's a slow night, Wednesday night, 30 people in the original room. I'm standing there talking to somebody, David Banks walks out to himself playing nothing. He looks up and he sees those four black guys standing. He's like, what's this? And he walks on and goes, what are you niggas gonna do? The

Queens are comedy tour. Right to their faces and they just walked away. Right to their fucking faces like nothing ever happened. He would rip people's shreds. He would rip all those black guys apart. I remember him torturing Mooney. They were afraid of him because he would just talk shit like he didn't stop. I did not know. I always thought he would. And then I had a Richard prior book at the house and he's in the book sitting next to Richard at the comedy store. Yeah, he's in a lot. He's in Mooney's book a lot. He's in Richard's book, David. I mean, they make reference to him. But he was around. He did everything for him. He was funny, man. I miss Paul Mooney at that store. Me too. I haven't seen Mooney in a long time.

I've been having a great fucking time at the store. Dude, you killed the other night. And last night, I ate a big fucking dick. Oh, I ate a dick Saturday. Last night, Allie Wong was killing me last night. She is as filthy. She really haven't seen her in a long time. Oh my God, talking about getting pregnant and how she used to just give him a hand job. And then when he comes, she'd sit on him and wiggle like Miley Cyrus. And then she'd have to flip off backwards and make sure the cum dripped into a pussy. So she's standing on her head to get it. Oh my God, she was saying some wild shit that, you know, the reason why she decided to get pregnant wasn't because she was old. It wasn't because I was getting old. It was

because she pregnant. I wasn't getting as wet as I was when I was 20. My pussy was drying up. She goes, no, I was 20. I feel my pussy at work. And if I took my fingers out and threw up the peace sign, there'd be a string in between them. I mean, she was saying, and I went up there and fucking tried to follow her and just died. I would get them and lose them, get them and lose them. And it was just, it was okay. It was Salami was there. Salami came down. It was okay. I just, the comedy store, the comedy store, that's just the way the OR is. I ate it in the main room late night Saturday. I ate it. It went, I was all over the place. It was fun though. It was Saturday night. Saturday late show. I don't know what the, everybody killed. It was a great

show. Everybody killed. Bill Burr, I was telling you today, it was something that Bill Burr is getting funnier and funnier because his writing is getting so insightful. He was talking about his wife not having sex with him. Oh, that was the best. He feels like a relief pitcher. Just, just shit that you wouldn't even think of. And it's so entertaining. For a guy like me to go up there, Neil Brennan was killing me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Neil's great. Brent Ernst was killing me. I love to go watch comedy and fucking laugh from my heart. Yeah. I really want to laugh. When I go up there, I really want to fucking laugh. That's why I miss Andrew. I miss Andrew in more ways than one up there because Andrew, a lot of people avoided Andrew because he's real. Yeah. And I

liked that about Andrew. I learned a lot from Andrew. Not only did Andrew inspire me to get on stage, watching him, Andrew taught me how to act. Yeah. With one short conversation, do the audition backwards. Oh, you know, who says that type of shit to you? Andrew, because he has balls of steel, Andrew. Yeah. He told me that when he booked the show on NBC, he made sure the guy kept the camera rolling and it was the shit he was doing in between that got me the job. He asked Michael Mann, so tell the fucking idiot to keep the camera moving and fuck around. Let the guy know you're a personality. You're not there. I don't forget the speech he had with me. Yeah. That was a year later. He was going to Rascals and it was too late. He was already fucking sold down. They called

him that Friday, like that Thursday night. Dice, having an education, talking to Dice is four years. Like I mooched on to Andrew and I didn't have to ask him. He knew what I wanted to hear. Yeah. After every set when he'd seen me in doubt, you know, Andrew had been there. There's something different about a fucking jerk off. Yeah. There's somebody different about somebody who's paid their dues. You know, you know, when somebody's paying their dues, I know when somebody's faking the funk now. It's just very simple. So many to sell you when somebody's paying their calling you and telling you how, oh my God, and you know it. You know it because I know what it's like. I know what it's like to do four sets. I know what it's like to do four sets and bomb at three of them. Yeah. And I

know how you're supposed to act and feel. You know, that last bailout is the store, but fucking, you got to follow somebody that Jesus Christ, I'm gonna get four beatings tonight. Yeah. You know, and then you bump it. You know, I was telling Lee 10 years ago, like as a 2006, I was one of those guys that got 20 phone calls a day of people telling me like, I'm doing this, I'm doing that. What the fuck is going on? And you're like, listen, you know, and I would ask them simple questions. Where were you last night? Well, I stayed in last night because me and my friend are writing a script. Well, listen, that script suck my dick, you and your fucking script. Yeah. You could write the script after you go to the coffee shop and sign up to do a set. That's right.

That's why your comedy is slipping. You know, I went out last night to the store to die, you know, because I'm taping a DVD in Vegas. Oh, great. So I want to be sharp, too. I can't do every fucking night. But if I do every other night and right in between, at least I can bring something up to the stage and I could be prepped Friday, I go to the ice house. And then next week I got three or four more shows before I have to tape on Friday night. So I'll be fucking ready. You know what I'm saying? Like, yeah, this is what you do. You know, I lived here long enough where to get good at comedy and Lee, we've been talking about this for three weeks, you have to fall in love with shit. Oh, yeah. Like you really have to be good at anything, whether it's parachute

jumping, you got to do it as much as you fucking can, you know, as much as you can. When last night I had a show and they canceled it and I had been doing so many sets this week and bombing at most of them that I literally was like, thank God, because I don't think I could take another bomb. I can't take another fucking bombing. I can't take another bomb. And that'd be my boyfriend. We made the tacos and we just chilled out. We were just like screw it. And then he washed my windows this morning. You don't get any better than that. You're not a metaphor. That's a real thing. You're touring a lot. Yeah, I'm going out a lot. I mean, not touring someone. I mean, just doing spots. Like when I'm in LA, I do as many spots. So you do the second spot before Andrew. I do. Yeah,

wheels on the road. Wheels opens up. And then I do 30, 20 to 30. It depends on how Andrew feels. Andrew's really taking good care of you. He's unbelievable. It's been like a four year degree. You can't fucking believe it. It's the best schooling ever. And his crowd is not accepting of, oh, who's this girl? Yeah, you know, like they're like, you know, and they always try to talk at you when you come out like, who the fuck does she think she is? You got to win him over. You got like only a few seconds to do it. And it's been, he's like, just get out there. Just punch him in the face. Just keep punching them. Just keep hitting them. And that's what I do. And it's great. And it's weird. Like when I go in front of a regular clown, I'm like,

how come they haven't thrown anything at me yet? You know, like you have to transition. So it's like learning so much. I did that dirty at 1230. That crowd was so polite, but they were terrific. It's crazy how polite they are. They don't laugh at real dirty stuff. They freeze up a little bit on you. You know, they like the racism. I got to be honest. There was because it was like a patch of black people over here. The Mexicans were over here. The white people were in the frow. I was like, whoa, this is segregate. It's like, fill it up. I feel like I'm home. And they just went crazy. They love like stupid shit like that. You know, putting a nice thing together at the side. Yeah. No, it's Asians. I mean, it was awesome. He's killing it.

Yeah. I love that guy that runs a Mike. Yeah, he's great. I like when people put labor into comedy. Yep. And it comes back so many people give up after three weeks. So many people that have no vision give up. Like they get a comedy room and nobody came. But well, that seventh week, that seventh week could have been the week where some chick with a big mouth comes in, has a good time. Somebody fucks her in the hallway and she goes and tells everybody how cool that place is because it's all about for it to be cool to go down and have a good time and giggle and have a scene. Somebody sells ecstasy. Somebody wears a Sinatra hat, right? Somebody's got to have a hat on the goatee and suspenders to be, oh my God, you look great. This is awesome. You know, a picture

with Hitler on a horse with a gun in his hand, something obscure. With his drawings in his hand. Well, what about Ari? You guys are going to film here the second season now? Yes. Ari, what? All right. His show. Oh, what's happening now? Oh, great. Oh wait, what is it called? This is not happening now. This is not happening. This is not happening. And that started off as a free show. Oh my God. Well, yeah, it was just something fun he was doing at the store or wherever he would do it everywhere. The improv in the back. That's right. I did it at the improv twice, so. In the back with Mark Marin. I did it the first time. Eric, is that right? Eric Abrams? Yep. Yeah, I remember. In the back for no money, no booze. Yep. And then they moved it to the big room.

Yeah. Then they shot it for the internet and they shot it from Comedy Central. It's been an amazing run. It really is. I got to do it with Greg Fitzsimmons. That was great. Christmas stories. Because he's so sick, Irish. I love him. I love him. Do you like it? I was just on his podcast last week. Outstanding. And he has crazy stories about like, just silly things growing up Irish. I don't know if other people are allowed to, but like, you know, your aunts and uncles were allowed to hit us. Do you know what I mean? And so he talks about this beating that one of his cousins got from not their parents, somebody else's parents. And everybody was fine with it. And he just had to sit in the room with the coats bleeding. Remember? How much has time

changed in 30 years that there was a time when a neighbor could kick you in the ass? God damn right. And now your parents aren't even allowed to touch you? Nothing. Yep. It's the craziest. I say I blame the internet, social media. Because if you hit a kid today, they'll take a picture and put it right on Instagram. Daddy hit me, you know, and then they get 50 likes and dad goes to jail. I don't get it. We couldn't do that. But do they not listen to the parents side? If they do call the kids and the kids call the cops, do they not listen to the parents and the parents? No. First of all, the kid's parents, you should not even be it. Exactly. Let me tell you what happened. Yeah. I was sitting at the table and he disrespected me. I drew a glass of milk on his fucking face,

except him to his fucking room. What's wrong with that? I'm not hearing anything weird at this point, except for milk. We probably wouldn't have milk at dinner. But you know what I'm saying? Are you throwing the glass too or just the milk? No, no. Just throwing them, you know, whatever. I mean, of course, when you raise a child, there's a way to raise a child. I'm not saying beat them with a fucking stick. I only got hit a couple of times. Like I got spanked a few times, but like the threat of it. When they spank you, they put your knee, right? No, I don't even think it was over the knee. But then after the first time, right, and your parents threatened with that, you were scared and you stayed in line, correct? Yeah. Right. Oh yeah, my mom was super strict.

It's weird seeing kids like who are like, like that's one thing I never bought about the Sopranos, the way that his kids acted. I don't think that would have happened. No, but he did. He went with her. He went on the spot. Don't do that. Let them, you know, let's be this way. Let's nurture them and they change it. And no hitting the kids, things like that. He wanted to. She wouldn't let him. It never makes sense to me when a kid goes like in a show, like a parent asks a kid to do something like it's like, oh, dad, let's like, I wouldn't know the thought of it now. And I'm, I haven't lived at home for over nine years still makes me feel it would feel weird to do that. I'd lose my teeth. When you, I mean, my mom would smack the shit out of it. I got my niece,

I have a new roommate. My niece is living with me 23. I met her at the store last night. Please. Because she grew up like that, you know, let's talk about our feelings, spoil, you know, I want to express myself. Yeah, yeah. I live in a studio. I express yourself while you're sweeping anything, while you're scrubbing the fucking sink with a toothbrush. That's how you clean up after self. I don't know what happened to this goddamn shit that I never thought my mom lifting a hand to me growing up was abuse at all. Yeah. I could tell you that I deserved everything I got from her. Me too. I was never hit wrongfully when my stepfather came into the picture.

He switched it up. When Lauren got out of jail and married my mom and moved in with us, he, she wasn't hitting me. He was getting notebooks and making me just sit there and write like if there was a problem at the house, that's it. No, just sit there and write. Write what? Lines. I will not lie to my mother. I will not lie to my mother. I will not lie to my mom. Wow. It's like school. One time I had to write them in the front in English and the back in Spanish. You're going to walk a little kneel on me, my mom. That means I won't fucking argue with it.

Like, and I would sit there and then if I did something really bad, he would take the chair away and I'd have to kneel on two beans. Okay. That sounds better. But he didn't believe so. But this was three or four days of coming home from school at three and writing till 10 o'clock. You eat dinner, you shower, but the whole other time, you just write and bitch. I don't have kids, but like I could, like I could see like a sling a little tap on the head or maybe like a spank. But when it gets, when it goes past that, I think, I mean, I don't know, but I see how sweet you are with Mercy.

Yeah. But she's also going to be 13 one day. And there has to be somebody who's firm and there has to be somebody who could talk to her. Yeah. But what the biggest lesson? Listen, my mom would blab. This was the, this was the M.O. in my house. I did something. My mom would have a thousand things on mine, fucking come over and blast me and yell at me and ask me why I did it. And then anybody who came by, my mom would explain to him, fuck him. This is what this motherfucker did to me. I'll fucking kill you. You ever do something like that again. And somebody would go to Nora for the love of Christ and she'd say, fuck that motherfucker. Let him cry. And I'd usually be holding a towel with blood from my lip. My mom

didn't fuck around Jack, but I got it. She didn't want it. She was raising a man. Yeah. And she understood that at some age, this motherfucker's going to test you in her mind. She didn't even want to be tested. Yeah. But that was not going to happen in her world. My mom knew the importance of her having a presence over me. You understand? And I'm telling you, she spoiled me and there was things she did, but when it was time to get down, we got down. She fucking got down. Towards the end, I could tell that she wasn't doing me no favors, you know, with her. I would do shit and then when my dad would call me on it, she would stick up for me and I'd be proud because she stuck up for me. But years later, I'm not proud because she ruined her relationship with

him to live. She was like Paulie Gautier, his mother. Oh my God. Don't do that to me. It's like your kid doesn't do nothing wrong. I didn't want that. I don't want my wife to do that with mercy. You can't. The kids fuck up, bro. Kids fuck up. You got to call their attention. And as a single mom, you got to watch your boys like a fucking animal. And there's going to come a day when that boy is 14. He's going to be cute. And that day is not the day you're going to push him or punish him or make him right. That's the day you got to steamroll that motherfucker, a busted head, break his computer, cuts, and that shit will never happen again. That's a beating everybody remembers. But do you think it has to be the mom? Like is it? Do you think?

A single mom, he's saying. Well, no, but even with him, because I mean, my role, listen, my mom was not going to, my mom was, I don't think Juan ever raised his hand to me. I know Juan and I got into heated arguments. I know Juan was bitch to my mom and then my mom would tell him to fuck off. My mom was always the aggressor. I told the story where my mom was hit me and I put my hand up and she fucking freaked. I went and got a bounty roll and lit it on fly and said she's going to burn my hand because when you hit your mom or your hand pops out of fucking casket, you have no idea, dawg. You have no fucking idea what, what, you know, she went and got a bounty roll. She went and got me at my friend's house and started yelling in

Spanish. My mom was no joke. There was jokes at my house, but there was a line when, no, and this whole beef was about making a bed. Like you're making a bed and I'm like, I'm not making the fucking bed. Okay, don't make the bed. Do what you need to do. I'm going to, I dare you not to make the bed. That's it. I'll give you 50 bucks not to make the bed. And I went to the fucking pool party and I could hear at the pool. I could hear the look getting louder and louder. I'm in the pool with 18 people who don't know what Spanish is because of my spark. I swear to God. I'm like, what, and all of a sudden she came to the fence and she started hitting it with a stick, you know, the stick from a broom. She started hitting the fence and they're like, who is that lady? I'm like,

I have no fucking idea. She could hear me going, no idea. And I went out the back and she saw me and I'll never forget that was one of the last good beatings she gave me because she chased me all the way home with the stick. I love her. And she was yelling and screaming in Spanish. And then she crossed the street and finally I ran and I got home and then she came home, get down here, make that fucking bed. And then we got into the city and she went to smack me and I blocked. Now, you know, after a while your moms get so tired that they, they just want to hit you for making them tired. You know what I'm saying? Like, your mother fucker. And that's when she put the fucking paper towel and the paper, she's hit me with the paper towel on fire and chunks

are falling on the carpet. And now she's hitting me and stepping on the carpeting at the same time. It was a tremendous fucking scene. Until this day I'm telling you that I understood because someday Mercy's going to say something like that to me and I got to make a point. Yeah, I got to make a point. Maybe leave the bounty out of it. Yeah, I ain't fucking around here. Exactly. You know, I ain't fucking around here. And that's what she, you know, there was just something about her demeanor. You said something that really bothers me because it bothers me because it's true. Well, the worst thing I did when I was a child was to shit with no time to come in. Oh, my mother raising with no curfew. That's not good. That's

not good. That is crazy. Yeah, we had curfew. That's not good. That's not good. And when you hear it from other people, it sounds so bad. Yeah. When you hear white people going, yeah, his parents just let him stay out all night when he was a kid. No. You're like, what are you fucking crazy? Because my mom was a single mom with 10 kids and she would go to sleep and then we would sneak out. We would come in at the appropriate time, like whatever time she set. And then when she would go to sleep, she was a heavy sleeper. We would just shit. I don't know if this was the reason because it was like this my entire life, but my friend's door had a bell on it. Like the door into the garage. Yeah. But we did have another door which we could use.

I never did that. I don't know. Go out the basement. I don't think when I got a car, I don't think I had a curfew. No, I kind of did because when you were 16, you couldn't be out past midnight driving. So it's kind of enforced. I could say things at this table right now. The normal things that I could say, but if I think of mercy doing them, I want to cry. No. Yeah. And the simple things I did is that, you know, tell you this to walk from 48th Street to 29th Street at 1230 at night after a movie, especially back then, especially in the 70s with another person. New York was a different place. No, this was North Park. This was Union City, Jersey. Oh, wow. Which is still, it's the mountain New York City, Hoboken Union City.

She had the bar on 29th Street. She let me walk up Bergen Line, which is Sunset. So she pretty much let me go from Duke's restaurant to maybe Highland. It was one way. It was called Bergen Line Avenue. I mean, we did that though today. Like you're being sensitive. You're like, I would never let my daughter do that. I can't see. But, but, and like my brother Bobby, his, his son is 14. He, they moved to the suburbs. It's all white kids, right? Brandon loves basketball. God love him. He plays. He's like, these kids stink. We're beat everybody. So we're going to South Philly. So he figured out he didn't ask his father who grew up in South Philly could take him to any ballpark and right across the street from my mother's house, you can play everybody. Projects

are on the other side of the playground. So you could play whomever you want. You know, we all kind of hang out in the playground and play. He didn't say nothing. He got on a bus and went from the suburbs down into the city, not my mom's neighborhood, somebody, another neighborhood. Like you can't do that. You can't, you know, he could have gotten beat up bad. He could have got robbed, could have got killed, whatever. Crazy shit happens at that. You know, right where Pat's and Gino's are? He went there and played in that playground. Those kids. Now, how far does he live from there? It's about a 20 minute car ride. So they took the bus 14. We did it. But for some reason, me and Bobby got and Bobby, he got sensitive. He punished him. He was like, I don't want you doing

that. Go ahead, brother. I'm sorry. Now, and it's hard to imagine, but if you had a boy, would it be different? He is a boy. No, I'm saying no, no, no, no, no. You don't want him to push the envelope a little bit. Listen, you want your child to push the envelope a little bit. Yeah. The only way, listen, the only way to lift 500 pounds is to lift 500 pounds and see where you're at and go, you know what, I'll try to get next week. I'll try to get there. It's, it's scary. At six, at five and six, I was already crossing the street to go to whatever supermarket, boost, boost bounce. What the fuck it was, the juice supermarket when I was a kid. It was on 88th street in Broadway. She begged me not to cross Broadway. Beg me. Come on, man. I'm

crossing nothing. I crossed everywhere. I went everywhere. I crossed everywhere. You know, I love hot dogs. Listen, listen. If there's a hot dog on the other side of the boulevard, leave on the stand. The worst thing about being on a diet. Yeah, you can still eat two hot dogs with two buns and that's it. And pull a little sour cry on it. But when you're a fat fuck and you go down there and you don't even tell your friends you could devour eight of those. And even if you know that there's another guy that has the same hot dog. You eat eight on the street. I can eat one after another. To my daughter's eyes, I can eat seven fucking sabrets if you let me. If I smoke dope, you go to a sabrets store that's got good sauerkraut, good onions,

and I'll mix and match. I'll open up with two mustard and sauerkrauts. If they're good right there, throw me two more with chili. Just open up. Let's see what we got. Let's see what we got. A skin pop. Let's see what we got. I might get five of them and one of them is bad. Now I'm stuck with four fucking bad hot dogs. This is the street. This isn't like a place for the table. You're just like, no. Why do you buy hot dogs? Anybody could make a hot dog at the house. When you invest in something, when you look something in the eye and go, how are the hot dogs today? He goes, they're fucking off the chain. I just put them in their nice sabrets. See? Let's open up with two with sauerkraut, a little bit of mustard brown, please.

Extra bacteria. Let me get a coconut can. Bam. You open up with two. After you wipe your fingers with that hot dog still in your mouth, as you chew it, let me get two more with onions. Let's see how the onions are. Let's see what happened there. Once you inhale those two onions, come at you, those red New York onions, it's over. Then you tell them, let me get another can of the coke, and let me get two more. This one, give me one chili, give me one chili with raw onions, and give me one with raw onions and mustard. So now you had the whole spectrum. No chips in there? No chips. Chips are for amateurs. I ain't got one that, when that Chinese kid eats 200 hot dogs, you see him eating chips? Fuck no, he eats hot dogs. There's no chips. That's for amateur. Is that

today? Yeah, Labor Day, right? Dan, right there, you're lurking. You've already had six of them. You know, your mom is making meatloaf and mashed potatoes the way you like it. You're gonna have to smoke another joint, but you say, fuck it, I'm not coming up to this neighborhood for a wild dog. We'll know Mars, poor for the lord. What do you want on that one? Fuck it, it's your choice. Throw the dice at me and shit. I could inhale seven street hot dogs in New York when I was running in New York, and now do. I got no shame to tell somebody. Anyway, the fucking point of the story in two, when I walk away. All right, good for you. Two when I walk away. The point of the story is when I was a kid, and I first came from Cuba, I thought that hot dogs would make you a better

American. Wow. They lie to you over there, don't they? No, I just thought, this was an assumption that I made. I thought that if you ate pizza, hamburgers, and hot dogs, it was the quickest way to become an American. Don't let me tell you what happened. I discovered spam and fucking my dad used to make me spam and eggs on a hot plate. When I discovered spam as a kid, white people at somebody's house, I was like, oh, this, this is what makes you an American. He wouldn't make it at my mother's house. She kicked him out. I went to a friend's house and he made spam, sliced thin fried with sauerkraut. No, with sauerkraut, with spinach, with diced little onions, and garlic. Oh, that's fancy. Oh my God, fucking spam with spinach. When I was a kid,

I thought I was going to be Popeye because who the fuck eats spinach by that? Like Popeye, you got to be a jerk off to eat a can of spinach. But with spam, fucking, I'm in. Kill it. Oh my God. Anyway, the point being, oh, shit. Oh my gosh. It's Monday, the seventh, it's a holiday today in Cuba. I have some good fucking reefer. Yes, it was. Anyway, the thing why I'm disturbed at this whole hot dog story is because my daughter was hot dog. And I got to switch them up on her with the turkey ones, which I fucking hate, but my wife says it's better. What hot dog story would be? I don't fucking know. But I give a Oscar Maya the Angus Beef Ones, right? I chop them up and she likes those. And I make it a mac and cheese straight up.

But she loves fucking mac. No, she loves hot dogs because it's hereditary. She doesn't even know about America, whatever the fuck it stands for. Right. But she likes fucking hot dogs. So when I was a kid, I took a fucking beating for hot dogs. But that's how much I like hot dogs. And it was like a six block walk. I was five years old. This is what petrifies me about mercy. These are the things that keep me up at night. Okay, this this fuck eating hummus. These are the things that I can't sleep at night. You understand me? If you watch 10 episodes on the weekend of TV, not that she eats hummus at the age of six. How old are you when you're in kindergarten? What's the national national? Six or seven, right? Five or six. If you were

kindergarten, you're seven, you're a dumb fuck, right? That means you can't even put blocks together. Really fucked up. That means you got everything. Four or five. I forgot. When I was five, I went to school at Pierce 166 or for Amsterdam and the street after that. But if you went three more streets, there was Central Park. Yeah, it was like the fucking 10 blocks over. I'm five years old guys. I'm a house a block away from 205 West 88. This is 89 street in the middle and up the block and a half. There was a hot dog guy. So I would go get hot dogs. I was five and my mom would give me like five bucks and I go eat hot dogs. She told me how many fucking hot dogs do you get eaten a fucking day? And one day the school shut it down on me. You can't leave the premises.

I was five walking off the reservation. Where'd you get the money? My mom. Oh, wow. I was fucking five walking off the reservation like school lunch. That's beneath me. Look at me like a candy cigarette behind your ear. No. Do you think that mercy could walk off the premises? No, not now. I won't let it do it now. No, they won't do that now. Now it's all protected. This is what I'm fucking saying. This is my point, guys. Why would you worry about it? Because now because she wants to. Every time I see her, she's five or six. Of course she wants to. We all want to. Listen, five or six, you should not be walking the streets of New York City for a fucking hot dog as a kid. And in those days, no other kids had five hours. Nobody gave a shit. No, nobody other kids like

me. I would fucking go to the bar and I would bartend. When I was five, I would go to the bar and put ice in the thing. I would put the beers, stock the beers, and I would clean the bathroom, and she'd throw a 20 on me. A 20 in 1968 is 50 fucking bucks. So I would break half of it, go to the store. I remember my big thing in those days. I used to fuck the guy up at the store. I used to give him a 20. I don't know. A five dollar bill. He used to give me 25 quarters. Why? What? Now, how many quarters in a five dollar bill? 20. Wait, 20. Okay. But why would he give you five? I don't know. One time I went and then he

gave me 25 quarters and it was like, I didn't tell nobody. I go, I found the way they make money. I'm like, go into everything in five dollars and fuck them up. Tell them I want quarters. He was like a Puerto Rican to do something. He'd every day give me like an extra two quarters, 50 cents. I would fucking roll up. You've been doing this since you were five? Yes. Dog, this isn't my blood. Well, I would, there was like, remember, you guys call it Italian ice in New York. We call it water ice. And we used to have a truck come around this guy, Don Julio. He ran the truck. I don't know who he was. I don't know what kind of creep, but he was funny. That's all I remember. And I would steal money out of my mom's purse. And, and it wasn't easy

either. And I did and whatever. Like five bucks, whatever it was, but that was terrible. That was it was her bill. Yeah, it was her bill money and she used to get mad at me. So I remember I go to Don's, right? His truck, it was right at the playground, right across the street, get water ice, a big pretzel, South Philly pretzel with all the mustard on it. It was amazing. And then I give him the money and he goes, did you steal this out of your mommy's book? He knew it because he knew we were orphans. We don't have any money. You know, he was like, how does this kid get money? And he, every time he would say up until I was in my twenties, because this fucker was always around the playground, he would say, did you steal that out of your mom's book? And I go, no, I earned

this one. Like I finally admitted it to him later on in life. In fact, the funny thing was that the thing I'm telling you guys that I had kneeled down with the peas under my knees. Oh yeah. That was because my mom would put a purse in the living room and she would come home from the take from the numbers. Okay. And she'd come home from the take from the bar. Wow. Okay. And she'd leave it in the kitchen table. No way. So I would wake up in the morning before her when she was still fucking knocked down and go, mom, mom, mom, let me get a dollar. And she'd look around and go, who gave that to my purse? I'm the one. Yeah. I started taking a dollar, a dollar, I started taking two dollars, two dollars. And when that took a five, I took something like a 20. I think I went

up to a 20 and I got caught. And she caught it. And she and my mother's world, she didn't understand that because all I had to do was ask her. I was disrespected. She even said to me, like she was crying. I'll never forget this conversation. Like my mom said, like, are you fucking crazy? If you come to the bar and stuff, she goes, why would, why would I give you 20 bucks to stock beer? Are you fucking retarded? But if you come to the bar and stock the beer and you need 20, I give you 20. If you need money for something, I'll give it to you and you could work it off 20 a shot. That's how cool she was. She goes, I can't even look at you. It was so disrespectful. It was in her world. She was shattered. So she didn't know what to do. So Juan made me right.

Like, and it wasn't that they didn't make me write the stealing. It was the lie. She goes, then when I asked you, that's what really took it over the fucking top. If you would have said, yeah, I took the 20, I would have been a little man, just a little man, but the lie to me. So I had to write 10 fucking pages and then people would come over and they go, what's up, Coco? When I'd be there writing and then my mom, then they would say to my mom, what's up with him? And my mom would say, he's a piece of shit. He's a fucking mountain. He's a fucking malparido. She's a piece of shit. He robbed 10 bucks. He didn't tell me. So now you gotta sit there with embarrassment. The people would look at you, but I always have like my godfather or my godmother.

Or like a crazy friend, Tati, that would come over and then they would talk and then he'd go, what's wrong with Coco? And then he'd fucking go off. Like this guy would go, I'm telling you, what the fuck are you thinking? You need 20. You come to me. And then he'd go to dinner. Can I talk to him for a second? And he'd take me in the other room and he'd tell me, what the fuck are you thinking? If your father was alive, he'd be ashamed. And I'd start crying. And he goes, listen, this is what we're going to do. We're going to go out there and talk to your mother, tell them that you're never going to steal again. Let's go out there like a man, put a shirt on with a tie. This Tati dude would make me dress up and we'd have to go out

there and he'd go, Danora, come in here. Jose wants to talk to you. And this guy would say, tell them what we told me in the room. And I would have to repeat it. I'll never fucking steal from you again. I'll never lie. Look at her in the face and tell her like a man, you ain't no fucking cunt. Like I was like five or six and this guy would be coaching me through this shit. And I would have to give my mom a hug and then I wouldn't have to write for a few weeks. Wow. But that's how it was. It took like four or five days of me writing and then one of her crazy friends. I like the writing part. The writing part is treachery. Taught me how to write Spanish. There you go. Today. Today I know how to read and write Spanish

from those fucking punishments. Maybe that's a punishment you can do to your daughter instead of the hands because I hate the whole we use our words kind of shit. I hate that. I like the emotional hook and I get emotional. So I know I could fuck them up with emotion. Yeah, my mom cries. I die. Once you're people looking in the angle is what you did when you did this. You fucking crack. It cracks you inside. You can't. You can't deal with that shit at all. It's too much for me. But you're right about like a single mom with the raising men. She had six boys. So I mean, she had a hit. What's the first thing they tell you when you go to jail, Lee? What? What the fucking? I'm not sure. That's weird. What did the dude say when he in the

sopranos when he got out of the gym, they were eating lunch and he goes, I went and I picked the biggest blackest mother fucker and I started to fight with him. So it's the same thing when you have sons. You have to hit it. You have to one night lose your mind, break toys, stitches, stitch one of them up, bang the other one, elbow the other one. Like you got to be like Clint Eastwood and hang them high. You got to fuck three out of six of them up to show them that, listen, don't ever fucking get confused. And we've all done it. Every person who's listened to a podcast has challenged either or your parents at one time. At one time, you did something that you thought you fucking got the world to owe you something and you were going to walk in your

house and demand shit and your dad looked you in the face and fucking read you the riot act and you started with your little whippery someday. I'm going to kick your ass. Listen, if you could have done it, you would have done it three years ago. I'll break your fucking life in three fucking pieces. I'll never forget my brother. He was stupid messing around, doing bad shit, whatever. And he was like 16, 16. Yeah, 16. He came in my mom's house, my mom's single mom, my dad's crazy, but he lives like a couple blocks away. So he came to the house, he started talking shit to her and she stood up and she punched him right dead in the face and he had a bloody nose and I was like, yes. And then I was like, I can't believe

you gave Billy a bloody nose and he's that big. You know, he's a big kid and she goes, it wasn't from me. It was from the coke he was doing. I was like, oh my God, how does she know? But they know everything and she was like, you're not coming in here talking shit. I'll knock you out. And she did. She gave him a bloody nose right in his face. I know how to raise a child till 10 or 11. What comes later is why I lose it because I have to treat him the way I was raised, which was lumps and bumps and all I could do is tell you so when you come back to me and go, what? I told you to do it this way. The most important thing in this life is he is. Yeah. And until you get those ears and until you believe in trust and the guys are ahead of you,

you know, it's like when you first got into comedy or something, there was always that one guy that gave you a shortcut. Well, look what that one guy is today. There's no shortcuts. There are no There's no shortcuts in any, any occupation where it's want to be an attorney. We'll do it this way. I only read the lineup. Okay. Yeah. You don't have to go back. You either pay me now or pay me fucking later. So it's just a parenting after a certain age for me is going to be very rough. Well, they have to learn. You have to be willing to let them. What's the pot? I learned their own mistakes. Have the, yeah, right? What's the pot episode of my house going to be legal? What? It doesn't matter. What's the

What's the question is going to be? What are the questions going to be? Do you answer to them? That? Yeah. One time I went out with Lee and we snorted two eight balls and we got this Chinese chick to suck my dick. You know, your daughter sees that shit. Is that a story? Maybe save that for later. Do you tell that story at their concieta? How did that? Remember, remember two things. You hearing and you seeing is two different things. Yeah. You know, two different fucking things. I saw my mom doing bumps, guys, but you, you also can't forget what you did growing. Like you, okay, you saw your mom doing that. So you're the change. You're not going to do that in front of your kid, right? Well, the whole, no, I don't do it now. But what I'm saying is, right, but I mean,

even the reefer, yeah, you know, even something as the reefer, you don't want to, you don't want to go there with your kids. It's like, no, opening up a little door and you're not going to be able to close it. So where are you going to smoke? By that time, listen, she already looks at me when I go outside. She's not fucking stupid. They know you're doing something. Daddy, that's different perfume. I know the, I know the look she looks at. That's medicinal perfume. I know the way she looks like she just, when I open the door and she checks me out for a minute, then she goes back to what she's doing. That's the look I had when my mom would come and say, I got to go in the bathroom and I got to do something. Same fucking look. Yeah. I saw it at the house and I didn't

like it at all. When I was eight or nine and I knew my mom had done the bumps, oh my God, my blood pressure would go up as a child and I wasn't allowed to say something. Well, it was her roof. If I would have said something, I would have got my head busted, but I dealt with what I had to deal with and no, that's a tough thing right there and having girls, you could just talk to them. Yeah. Well, yeah, girls are a little bit easier to talk to. I think, I mean, it doesn't matter. Everybody's going to go out and try their own thing, but you've got to be willing to let them learn on their own. Like, I feel like a lot of, oh yeah, go out with that mini skirt. You're going to learn once you get 10 guys to blow a train through you in the morning and then

out burger. I mean, experimental with like drugs and kids are going to do that. No matter what, you can never prevent that. We all did it. You know what I mean? We all went through our faces. Every parent thinks they're a genius and they do it right under your fucking nose because I've heard today, obviously from 10 parents of people I grew up with, they found out that kids are doing, one friend of mine called me when then he goes, because they're in denial. That's what it is. One friend of mine had a 19 year old daughter and he called me one day and he's like, you have five minutes. I don't know. I can't show this to my wife. He found her diary and she was doing threesomes in high school and he's like, I write in my house. I'm upstairs

sleeping downstairs at four in the morning doing fucking pills. They had prescriptions for the pain at the time, Vicodin's. There were kids eating Vicodin's and having sex parties in his basement. He could not believe it. This is 20 years ago. Well, then that's a question like if you're going to be lenient, how lenient are you going to be? Because then if you're too lenient, then people go crazy. Yeah. There's got to be a happy medium. This is why I don't carry the full term. I'm sorry. I can't do it. It's too worrisome. God bless you for doing it. I can't. Listen, what do you think? That mean her walk to a pharmacy and said, let's do this? No. Nobody wants to have a kid when you're 50 and shit. God just throws a little fucking curveball at you

to make it interesting. It's a curveball. It's a fucking curveball. That's a beautiful curveball. Beautiful. But if anybody has that in their life and they're a parent, how do you? I don't know. Like that. When I was a kid, I'd go to parents' houses and on the weekends, the parents would have parties and get fucking hammered. Those kids are fucked up today. Once your parent even knows like once a kid even knows you're getting hammered on the weekends and you're coming home and you're using that word hungover. Yeah. Oh, I got a half a bag on and your kid looks at you like, well, I'm going to have a half a bag on some fucking day. You know what I'm saying? I mean, it just makes fucking sense. So I don't even like booze in my house. There's a thing of vodka. Yeah. There's

a can of beer in case you ever make a broken boil. The Cuban rice and chicken. That vodka, that Kahlua has been in that freezer for two fucking years. Yeah, I don't drink. I mean, I drink once in a blue moon, but I'm lucky. I didn't get hooked on that. I just know one thing. I'm not a dummy and I know that karma repeat. I'm no Phi Beta Kappa, no child psychologist, but I did some things that were gene passed on. Well, I just totally at five. Yes, Lee. Yes, Lee. Yes, Lee. Yes, Lee. I was already putting, you know, always trying to make money. I was always at that age putting $3 away, $4 away for a paid day. I always was going to buy something big. And then again, I got hooked on pacifiers. I had a pacifier till I was like six or seven. I'm walking around with

like 800 and singles and quarters in my room. Dude, you would get killed. A pacifier? No, no, no, but I wouldn't walk around with a pacifier. This was my plan. I'd stash them in different strategic parts. I'd even have two or three at the park. And when things got heavy, I called the time out and I made believe I was looking for something and I'd suck the pacifier, give it two or three good sucks and put it right back under the rock and go mingle. And I never got ready. I don't even know how to handle this. What happens if you're out walking, making a deal and then you need a pacifier? What do you mean? Look if you're like out and making like out doing your shit. At that time, I wasn't making, I was playing. I used to steal teachers' editions of

books and sell them to kids. That's hysterical. Can you fucking, at that age, I remember them calling my mother and then going, what's he's running a business? He's running a business. He's running a business selling and then I would take the toys from the lunch and I would lock them in and everybody had to give me a dime or I wouldn't give the toys back in the sandbox. I was treacherous, Debbie Dominguez had like six guerrilla Puerto Rican brothers for a quarter. For a quarter, she'd get a 45 single, lift the shirt up and put it over the titty and her nipple would pop out of the hole for a quarter in the first grade. This is what I was doing. I was fucking at my mom. You're having a show? No, no, just me and her under the fucking monkey bars and then I banged my head on

the monkey bars one day and that was it. No more monkey. I love the monkey bars. I used to hang upside down on my knees and clap like a momo. Ew, like a momo. You're an idiot. How can you go in the monkey bars with all those dimes in your pockets? I was good at it. Oh my God, I was fucking terrible guys and then I kept getting, I kept fighting in the neighborhood with my mom at, but the biggest thing I did to lift my mom was getting hit in the head with a lunch container. The lunchbox, the thing at the thermos, in the old school, they used to have glass in the thermoses. Yeah, no, I never had any of those. One day I got hit in the head with a fucking thermos in Central Park. I got five stitches in my head and I had to run home like a little bitch, bleed,

then shit all over the place and my mother had come from the city. Then there was a fight with a Haitian dude, Rudy, who the father held me and beat me up. What? That he brought me upstairs and my mom pulled a knife on him and chased him up the stairs and they called the cops. The lady next door was Cuban, so she said my mom didn't see a knife, so nobody went to jail. This was a rocking fucking, some kid from the podcast just went and took pictures, went all the way upstairs to 3A and took pictures to the building. Oh, for real? Yeah, somebody just recently went, I get pictures sent all the time of Sacred Heart School for Boys. We got pictures sent at 205 West 88th Street. You talked about on stage going to Brigatin Castle.

I don't know, dude, I never had so much fun than when my dad took us to Brigatin Castle and my brothers did what you guys did, what your friends did or whatever. That was not my friends. Okay, there were kids from Perse, like black. That's right. When you go there during Halloween season, they catered to people after six, but between three and six in those days, your school would pay for 20 tickets. This is 30 years ago. Oh, you were with your dad? It was just my dad and he loved to scare us. If we wet our pants, he loved it. I don't go in the ocean because of him. He bit my toe under the water. I never went in. I never went back in. He says it was him. I don't believe it. I don't like it. I don't like it. So he took me to Brigatin Castle and I'm with my idiot,

six brothers, right? And there was, remember the part where you go through and it's like rats? You feel the tails on your ankles? Motherfucker. And they had the noise, whatever. And I was like, God damn it. And I'm freaking. My dad's laughing. I'm like, this motherfucker, right? He hates us. We would climb him. My little sister was on his back eating. And Bobby, my brother, he loved it. He just loved it, took it all in. But Charlie and Johnny didn't like to be scared. And when that guy jumps out or somebody jumped out, I think he had an axe. They beat the shit out of him. We got in trouble and we got kicked out. I had never seen anything like that. I won't go to those things. You don't jump at somebody. Why do you guys go to those things? No, no, no. My dad did it because

he hated it. I went one time and I saw them beat up Dracula and I never went back. Only black people would beat up fucking Dracula. Well, my brothers did too. I gotta be honest. But the best thing about that beat was when they were dragging him. Yeah. Come on, motherfucker. Fuck you, bitch. And he's like, ah, ah, I don't know. My guy was Dracula. He had max. I don't know. It was great. And that shit I told on stage, that was he did. That was a funny story. The city limits in North Bergen by 38th Street Park. You signed your name. There was a hut in there. There was a hut inside 38th Street Park. It's still there. And Mr. Kettle worked that motherfucker and you'd sign your fucking name. And then on Monday night, July 8th, a bus would come and they'd give you a little

bag with salami sandwiches and a milk and like a fucking apple. And you got on the bus and you went to Yankee Stadium and they took the whole fucking park to Yankee Stadium. That park, 28th Street Park, like 20 people from each park that signed up first. That's amazing. And you went with your parent and you went down and it was like bat night and they made you sit all the way up on top. And this is what you need. 30 fucking kids from each park in North Bergen with little fucking two feet backs. This is what you did as a township. You took your kids to fucking, you know, the All-Star team where they made Benny basketball All-Star. What does that do with the scary park? We're just saying that they took you to places and one time they took us there. The one time they

took us there to Brigantine Castle, wherever it was somewhere in one of those places. And I get there and there's 18 different yellow buses. Each one representing a different school district. And this was like Versailles. These black kids weren't fucking around and they were in front of us. Black people don't like to be here. They were in front of us. At that age, I had already hung out with tons of black people, but there was kids in that school that weren't apt to as many brothers as I was. I used to live up to 148 and whatever. But it was really funny. It was this one Christmas tournament that we played at that my friend, they had two brothers, one from one Rodriguez, but his brother, they were both one Carlos Rodriguez. So one was one

and the other one was Carlos. Juan's hair went straight back. So Carlos wanted his hair to stay, go straight back. Juan died in 1987, got arrested. So but Carlos, he just came to see me when I did Miami Improv three or four years ago. And we're playing East Armageddon, the ghost from East Armageddon. Now, because of the size of our high school students, we played all the black schools. Oh, wow. And Salkin, East Armageddon, Paterson Eastside, Paterson, Kennedy. You look at North Bergen's schedule from the 80s, you're like, what the fuck, Bayone? These are all head jerseys, city, these are all fucking. And then in the district was Hoboken. At that time, Hoboken was no, nobody was drinking margaritas and Hoboken, Belvedere's nagging out. You know,

Hoboken was with Sinatra. Hoboken from Sixth Street down was black people and everything else was entirely killer. Yeah. The good old days. So I never forget that at Christmas tournament, we used to fucking bust Carlos's balls and call him Eddie Munster because he has a peek in every and we play basketball and he goes, Eddie, look at Eddie Munster. Don't worry, I'm gonna call him Eddie Munster and disrespect me and shit. So I'll never forget, I'm like the sixth man freshman year I'm sitting there waiting to go in and Carlos gets and then they make him defend the ball on the way out on our side. So Carlos has to stand on the baseline and there's a black kid getting the ball. But while he's waiting for the ball, he takes a look at Carlos

and he yells at his partner, he goes, yo, look at this motherfucker, he looks like Dracula. And we on the bench were like, ah, we just fucking lost it. A black kid, we've been telling you for a year, you look like Eddie Munster, you tell us no, this motherfucker just called you Dracula. We, we weren't thinking right. Everything happened when we went into those neighborhoods, like all those funny fucking things. I've never been beaten in my life. You know where I got beat? Camden, New Jersey. Oh, Camden's pretty rough. But two pounds a pot for $18,000. I paid that fucking with a Vig to the end because this fatty D had to give him this fucking money back, you know what I'm saying? I thought I was Johnny fucking reefer salesman. How did they get you?

They usually don't let you live too long. Well, reefer, I guess it's the higher up. I met them on the street. They came up to me. That's the problem. They get high. It was happening. It was cracking. I had a badass fucking car full of black dudes got out of the car. I was hanging out in fucking Jersey City one night at some fucking bar. I was about 16 or 17. And there were some dudes hanging out outside. I went to smoke a joint. They came over. Yeah. Like, hey, blood, you want to get a high fuck? Yeah. What do you got in there telling me about this chocolate tieweed? And I smoked a joint. I was fucked up. I was fucked up, guys. This was something out of this fucking world. Then they showed it to me and I was like, Jesus fucking Christ. Look at that

stuff. What type of numbers you looking for? And they told me the numbers they want. I said, listen, I only got like 18 bucks on me, 20 bucks. What can I get for that? And they gave me a tremendous butt of this shit. And I went to this dude, Patty D, a neighborhood guy. And I said, Patty D, this is what they want. I tacked on, you know, I was John Mafia. I tacked on six to the bill. I was going to walk out of there with 12. But I didn't have the front cash. So he goes, what do you want for the two pounds? I said, whatever the fuck I wanted 18. I called the guys and they said meet us whatever off of some fucking gas station off the three or something like that. Okay. And I went over there and met them. I got out of the car, handshakes, hugs, the whole

fucking deal. They showed me the bag. I don't know how they did it late till this day. We hugged. What's up, dog? Oh yeah, this is only the beginning of the new shit. If you could supply this every week. Yeah, yeah, yeah, they helped me. They fucking manipulated me, dog. I gave them the money and they showed it to me and then something happened. They did like a magic fucking bag. Like they turned around and took a bag and they gave me that bag and they go dog gets hot around and go to the car, put it in the trunk and just get the fuck out of here. So I got in the car, drove away and like two or three miles. I was like, hold on, let's take a look at this shit. And when I fucking looked in the bag, it was just bricks of dirt. Oh,

you those motherfuckers. And I fucking chased them and nothing. I called the number disconnected. I mean, of course it was like a payphone. They were working on it. It was fucking brilliant how they got me. They sent black magicians, black magicians. The same ones that robbed red band. Didn't he get robbed by the Burbank? Was it right now? No. Oh, long time ago. Burbank got got by a black wizard. That's hysterical. That's always been like where you're from. That's always been when I was growing up. I used to go down there for concerts and shit from Asbury Park down. That was always kind of scary for me. It turned fucking real. Once you got into that, I used to go to concerts in Philly. Tons of them. I lived a half a mile from

where that's staying. I don't know how many six or games I went to Philly, but I gotta tell you, if I had to count them between five and seven or eight, I went in 83. I was a fucking, I was down that dog. I think I went to one with my dad, a half of one. He had to pick up money from somebody. And we just got, but I did get to see me Julia serving. And that was, I made my brother Billy and we were like, Oh my God. And we were so little. His hand was bigger than our arms. And we just shook our hands when my dad got whatever he got. We let, I don't remember watching the game, but I could have been too little. I don't know. I don't remember. It was, it's vague. I just remember Julia's and being like, Oh shit. I went to one of his basketball clinics,

by converse. Oh, okay. We all waited online like a bunch of jack-o-lantern. I was about 10 or 11. That motherfucker pulled up in the Mercedes Benz fucking palm in a basketball. I almost came all over myself. This is the greatest. I loved all that shit. I loved all that basketball shit. I love baseball too. Basketball baseball. And they used to have to come to our neighborhood because ours was like the okay neighborhood to go in. So they would come in our neighborhood, like the Phillies and the Sixers and the Eagles and never hockey really, but they would come in our neighborhood and hang out with the kids like for a day. And then if you were good, they would let you go in there. And I'm very once in a while, a Kerrigan kid would sneak through.

So I got snucked through one time and I was having a catch with tug McGraw. Used to be a kid. Amazing for the Phillies. Oh my God. Tremendous. So wait, so I had him when he was a mat. Wow. He was a mat in 73. He was my favorite. He was my mom's favorite when tug McGraw was a mat. Now it was tug McGraw. What's his name? His father. Yes. And he never talked to him. They've never spoken. Yeah, there's something weird. Anyway, we don't want you keep the fucking name because it's a great name. We were having a catch, right? And he, uh, this was when I cut my hair off because I was transitioning at that point. I wanted to be a boy for sure. And I literally, we were having a catch and he looked at somebody and he goes, Hey, this little boy's got an arm.

And I was like, it's working. It's working. He thinks I'm a dude. I literally cut my hair and played like a boy. I really did. I always wanted to be Bruce Jenner. Now he wants to be me. The fucked up shit we do with children. When did he play for the mat? He started in 66. He played till 73. He was so cute. My mom loved it. My mom was a beer girl for the Phillies and the Eagles for years. I think 74. Because in 73 was real vocal, but he had a weird way of pitching. He was fucking, he would get all fired up and shit. He was like the first Roger Clemens. He would yell from the fucking mound that people say shit, fuck you bitch. Must have been great growing up in a family in those days. It's my favorite place in the world. I go home in a couple of weeks. Now is

it gentrified? Yeah, there's a couple areas which is fun to watch. If you go home like on Paschum Avenue where you'll still see like the good fellas on one side and then these idiots in their tight pants and rolled up on the other side. I'm like, somebody's going to get killed. Let's just watch the fun, you know, because there's no reason for them to be in that neighborhood, but they're trying to clean it up and ride their bicycles around. They're like, hey, by putting cameras up and shit, you know, on the other side, they're getting pissed off because they're putting cameras everywhere. It's just weird. It's just, they're not my mom's neighborhood though. It's still the same. It's still the same. There's so many pockets in South Philly that are still exactly the same. I love it.

And that's why I love it. I love the old neighborhoods. I lived in the Italian section of Boston and I had this neighborhood live there for like 40, 50 years and was convinced that we were stealing from her. And we were like, no, she's like, knock on the door. We broke into her, her storage closet. We don't have a storage closet. I know you have. I'm like, and I was like, but it was just like, they've been there forever. It was, it's great. Yeah, my mom's been in the house from the day she got married, same house that we grew up in. So they don't, if they don't leave, they can't gentrify it too much. Yeah, not a lot of people leave. And I don't think they're going to want to gentrify that neighborhood from August. Like I first time went to Philly was to see the Stones and Farina,

but from August of maybe 81 until like 83. I had the weirdest relationship in Philadelphia. My buddy went to Glassboro and he was a complete sky modest and he talked me into doing paperwork. He said, he knew everybody. He'd get me and he'd get me cash. All right. So he went down there a couple of times. I slept on his floor. We got high. We watched TV. Great fucking kid. And sure enough, he got me fucking admitted in that, got me a couple grand, which I immediately put up my nose and wore clothes and tried to get my dick sucked or whatever. At the time I was always getting

in trouble in North Bergen. So whenever I would get in trouble, all I had to do was go to Kennedy Boulevard, take a bus to the city and then take the express to Philadelphia. And I call him and tell him I was going to take a cab over and he'd feed me and hang out with him for a few days. And we'd scam shit and he kept me in there for a semester. Did you know that? So for a semester, I walked around wherever the fuck Glassboro is, which is now rolling. He got me a job roofing. Work for these fucking dudes. And all I did all day was carry 90 pound rolls up a ladder. They paid me $50 cash at the end of the day, which to me meant more than anything in the world. Just the fact that I'd have to wait a whole fucking week for my money. Every day at five

they pay you 50 bucks. If you worked after five, he'd give you 65 or whatever the fuck it was, seven o'clock, whatever. But I was just a regular. I was 19. I was always in trouble. And whenever things got heavy that I owed somebody or I stole something I shouldn't have stole, I'd just hop on the bus and go to Philly and I'd eat. And I used to fucking, I hooked up with a girl, Paizano. I never forget she has said, she said a family on the restaurant like a hoagie place, Paizano's. And this is 1980 fucking 182. Wow. But it was just scary. Like there was like, at one time I got raided. I was just watching a concert. I went to see Black Sabbath and the Feds jumped us in Philadelphia in 83. I was just a bunch of crazy. So you went on

the lamb. Yeah. And I just take the bus to Philly. So many people do that. It really wasn't the land. It was just airing something out for a few days. Listen, let's pretend you go to the commie store every fucking night. And I go to the commie store every fucking night. Oh, I fly in and out of the commie store and I bring weed to the commie store. And one day I give you two pounds of weed and I say I'll be here next Monday and you don't show up. You're going to sit a couple extra days and wait for your two pounds of fucking weed or the money. Where's Joey? Nobody knows. And that's what I would do. Nobody ever knew. I just disappeared to Philadelphia. How long? Three, four days, five days until shit head out. Five days isn't enough to give up. Listen, when you're mad at

somebody on a Monday, how mad are you still at them on Friday? And they don't mean for two pounds of weed. Not really that mad. You've already thought about other deals. You already thought about how you're going to beat them up. Now all you're doing is putting together a story and putting together a certain amount of cash. So when you come back, there's no bad blood. So those five days, let's say you're old dig I 1800, but in those five days, you put together 1200, 1250, at least you got a story dog. Let me tell you what happened. I was selling that weed. The cops were around the corner. I took the weed. I went down to Philly. I wholesaled it. I got 1200. But listen, give me another two pounds to get the party started. Bam. There you go. You follow. I'm

saying to you, you're always buying time. Five, six, seven fucking days. It's time. It's a stressful way to live your life. Oh my God. No shit. Why do you think I stopped fucking doing it? Why do you think I tend? Why do you think I turned to the short thing of the career of comedy? Because it was so fucking surely. That's why I fucking because at that point, that's what I had been doing all along. This is why comedy was so easy for me because that's what I had been doing all along. Living under fucking crazy as fucking conditions. And even if somebody was looking for me, somebody was looking for me. Even if somebody wasn't looking for me, they were looking for me because I was always creating some type of chaos. Owning somebody for a gambling debt,

robbing some drug dealers house, robbing a regular house and Philadelphia was just a fucking escape. Bubble. Bubble. And I think I even owed in Philadelphia too. Then you have to leave there. I think I had to leave. Back to North Bergen. They ain't gonna fucking take the bus. There was a lot of people that did that. Like I had friends in Philly that would go up to New York for a little bit, hide out in the Bronx or Brooklyn or wherever. Like they had buddies or cousins or something. And then vice versa. Like people would just, you know, take a break. The best part of your story is like, no one ever like travels to get their money from you. Like if you're not there, people knew you were in Colorado. People knew you were in Philly. It's

amazing. No one ever was like, Hey, I'm gonna go get that money. You understand that those people from that area go to Florida or they go to Atlantic City once a year. And that's a big deal. I brought pictures back from Atlantic City. But that's a vacation. We went to see this band at the Bogota. I don't even know what their name is. They were tremendous. And you sit there going, Oh, this poor bastard. I went to this ball over at this place. You should have seen this guy. I mean, it's just crazy. Lee, what what's to some people? What's an adventure? So I always knew people weren't going to get on a fucking plane. Very seldom did somebody get on a fucking plane or threaten to come out. What the fuck? They wait. Lee, they wait because they always know you're going to come home.

And they hope they get you when that guard is down. That's why you throw them off their game. Because once a person leaves, they go around, they ask a few people at the ball, which Coco, I don't know. I haven't seen him a few days. Wait a second. You guys are connected at the fucking hip. And all of a sudden you haven't seen him in four days. You hear from them? No. Listen, tell them when you hear from them that he owes me $2,000. So not everybody knows why you disappeared because hell, you owe that guy money. Fuck it. But you give him a few days to air out, right? Calm down. And if you do come back, you come back with an envelope and a story. If you don't come back with an envelope, there's a problem. Yeah. If you come back with just a

story, at least if you come back with 60% in a silk shirt or a fucking gold watch or something like that, it's forgotten for a few weeks and it gives you momentum. Nobody wants an outstanding. If you come to me, Lee, and you owe me $3,000 for an ounce of coke, chances are I won't give you another $3,000. If you come to me and say, Joe, I only had $2,000 on a paid rent dog, this guy still owes me $1,100. I'll give you that. Now you got three or four more days to just make that money back on the second ounce of coke I gave you. Kabish, you always leave on the guy something because then you have an investor and a drug dealer. All those years when I was buying coke on Gardner from the Martel Cartel, I always owed a $20. I never went in there with

a full envelope. Never. Why do you keep a tab? Because they always got to answer the phone. You understand me? If you don't keep a tab, they're not going to answer the phone. Oh, it's this motherfucker. You're like an evil genius. They're like, fuck this motherfucker. Leave me fuck this motherfucker. How are you 50 bucks? You want that 50? Yeah, I want the 50. Well, open the fucking door. Little do they know that you're going to leave their own $100. You're going to give them the 50 home, but then you're going to fuck the yardstick. The Martel Cartel. You know me, though. I was right over there. I used to go to the Martel. I remember it right around the corner from you. No, it was upright, but you lived on my side. Yeah, they were

up the corner. Yeah, the black dude, they used to come to the store with the envelope with the blonde and shit. They had like, well, let me tell you how I became friends with them. Just so you mother fuckers know. At that time, I used to have this little gun I found. I found this gun and Jody Ferdig was the apartment builder over at 1440. How do you find a gun? You know, you could find guns. Sometimes people find the five dollar bills. Sometimes people, so I found this gun and I hit it in the wall at Martel. Did you know if it worked or not? Or you just? Absolutely. I don't find defective guns. Who finds a defective gun? So I didn't want it on me because I'm a felon. I couldn't have it in my apartment. So I unscrewed the mirror at Jody Ferdig's apartment because he

always let the front door open. And I put the fucking gun in her wall for like a year. The gun was in her wall. Poor Jody. And she never knew it. I used to go to her house and hide below. Like I go to her house and listen to her. Are you kidding? I love her. Listen to what I would do. Because I know if I went back, she'd be up. So what I would do is I go to El Compadre, Brian Abel, take half of it, break it in half, go to Jody's apartment, hide half the Abel. Then I go to the store and then I call and wake it up and say, Jody, I'm coming over. You can't. I'm sleeping. I got a half April over there. Where? Don't worry. I'll show you when I get there. By the time I got there, cocktail was served. My shoes were taken off. Who's better than me? You know what I'm saying?

That was a party building. So anyway, it's a tremendous building. So anyway, I had this gun in the wall. And one night I was almost going to beef on 9-11, but then something happened. I went to the marked Hellcat town. Everybody was beat up. That's how I became Goombas with them. Everybody was beat up. What do you mean beat up? Like they got robbed. Oh, they got set up. Somebody left the gate open on the way out. Three people went out, they came in and left the gate open and fucking 10 fucking black dudes came, pistol whipped a white dude and the black dude and the dude was just walking and tied him up and took all their drugs. Four ounces of blow, a couple pounds of weed, some ecstasy. So these guys are sitting there. I walk in, they're sitting there all beat

up. Like somebody fucking, you know, and I walk in like, where's the shit and they're telling me how to wait or not? We just got robbed. They both got headaches. Let me answer your question. How the fucking you drug dealers? I swear to God. I go, don't you guys have a piece here? And they both looked at me like I was a Martian. They're like, not really. I go, listen, you're going to do eight years for the drugs. You might as well pick up another two and have a piece here. You put it right next to the big bag of blow underneath it. As you're going for the fucking powder, you take the gun, you shoot the guy in the fucking leg if they're robbing. This is why I never understood out of all the fucking people I robbed and that capacity drug dealers,

they didn't have their shit together. Well, there's so many. When I lived in Aspen, I had 12 guns ready to shoot at all parts of the house. If you let me bend over, there was a gun under that carpet. Okay, there was a gun everywhere. I had guns outside because that's how one was. Were they all loaded? My step ready to shoot. My stepfather always had pieces. If my stepfather hung at the county store every night, one day in the afternoon, he'd go up there and hide the gun just in case things got bad. Just in case, I get it. Things get bad. There's always a gun close by. It's not even on your body and nobody else is going to find it. So put how many places? I just imagine like guns under the rug. From 86 to 89 when I became that stupid gun person

that I thought I really wanted to be, I bought every gun, shoot it a couple times and I'd sell it. All right, that's what I would do. I would get rid of them or whatever. I'd take them back to Jersey and just sell them and no paperwork, shit like that. So I didn't really care. But I had guns hidden everywhere. So if you came to my house and put a gun to my head, I'd tell you, listen, come here. I know where there's 50 fucking grand and I'd have six guns in that area pointing at that 50 grand that you wouldn't fucking see if you came into my room. But I was going to go for one of them when you were putting that envelope in the tank. I'm going to lease them a copy or something because most of the people that do that are scared nine or ten times. Most of the people

that rob you like that are, yeah, the people that have heavy duty come in, they do this for a fucking profession. When I was doing that, I was no professional. I was just a fucking cocaine that wanted to rob you. But you pulled the fucking gun on me. I fought the pieces. I ain't gonna lie to you. You pull a gun on me in those days. I fought the pieces. I'd suck your dick. I'd have no fucking choice. Seriously. That's what happens to people. Nobody ever put a gun to my head, but I suck quite a few times. What are you going to do? Let me give us some shout outs. Jason Saldivari, Jason Ellison, King Julian, Dead Squad Harlem, Renee and Carl Sione, Sergio Ortega, Matt Broadchick, Christopher Moore and Victor Hernandez. What are you fucking nuts or what? Happy Labor Day,

cocksuckers. Lee, how fucked up are you? Get it together, cocksucker. Yeah, Lee, you're fucked. I am very fucked up. I love it. So I never understood how you could go to somebody's house and they don't have three pieces or at least one piece pointing at the loot. I gotta go to that pillowcase. I got another 10,000 for you where if he goes in there and he grabs a gun, you're gonna have a problem. So that's when you gotta have another gun closed by, ready to fucking fire, ready to fucking launch. I mean, that's the mentality. You gotta figure that they're all out there to get your mentality. Oh please, but that's what the drugs do, Lee. What are you gonna do, Lee? This is what you learn on a Monday afternoon on Labor Day. Right? You gotta learn how to work.

You want smoking on a number? Sure. You do? This is some good fucking weed. Perennials put me on the fucking map. Lemon OG could smell this. I hate weed. The smell of it, I mean. This is, now let me explain this. I just don't smoke anything. You know, I'm a picky fuck. I know. This is from the Chinese girl. She picks me and I got an eight to that the other day. Yeah, come on. I know we can't smell any shit. Damn it. Oh my god, this is shit. I know it's probably not as good as I could get, but I get, I got like one of the PR pre-rolls at Tense and Herbal. You got, it was really good. But it never smells good. You can't say it. It smells good. No, just me. She doesn't like smoking.

She had a good time this week and you're tying her up. You give her a good stung on me? Stung on me. We didn't tie her up, but yeah. Why no tying? I don't have a foot board. Lee's scared. You don't want to pull her hair or smack her yet. Nothing. You don't shoot loads in the mouth. Nothing. He politely taps her on the shoulder. No, we don't. We just don't have a savage. You don't tell her to get off the helmet. What does that even mean? You toyed her hair. You don't tell her to get off the helmet. I'm about to come, honey. Fuck, you make a suck that fucking rod of death. Siphon it out. Until a little juju's comes out of there and knocks it for a fucking loop. Every time she puts, she has to put glasses on to balance the head after that.

It's all over, you shit. I don't know. I want people to really go see you. I think that you're the point in your life where, comedy-wise, people are going to start seeing you. I think you fucking made a lot of people lift their heads up. What women are doing now in 2015 and you're in front of the pack. You just need a good push behind you. You need a good push, but it is good that I'm getting a headline in different places now. I'm actually co-headlining in Scottsdale next weekend for the Laugh Factory. Okay, that's good when you're co-headlining. Lowell Sanders. Good, perfect. He's a great guy. And then in Jersey, that's just me. Just you. And that's the 25th and 26th of September. Yeah, I always have to look. But also, I was telling you, the Pope is coming

to Philadelphia, so they're shutting down bridges. So all my connections from Philly, you can't come. My brother was like, oh, we're going to rent a bus. We're going to go see you. I was like, great. He's like, hey, there's no buses. Nothing. Because this is the people's Pope. So this is like, people are flying in, fill it up. People are renting their houses out. Is that the only place he's going to Philly? I think so. I'm not sure why, but I'm not sure exactly. I mean, I want to see the Pope, but not what 10 million people call for on my neck. No, I agree. And I remember- You got to go see the Pope and get the flu. As a kid. You know what I'm saying? Also, I got shingles and shit. As a kid, I sat on the stupid curb on Broad Street waiting for the Pope.

Me and my best friend, we got there at like six in the morning. It was already a bunch of people there, but we were little, so we went to the front. You know, they let the kids in the front, and we sat there all day, and that Pope flew by us. So I was like, no, I'm not falling for that scam again. But this guy, I think he's, you know, I wouldn't be surprised if he's like, sitting in people's houses and shit. This guy- I only wait for two people, the mailman and the ice cream man. There you go. Maybe the water ice guy will be there, picking on me for stealing things. I thought about you the other night, because I saw this periscope. Apparently, every time they open a Chick-fil-A, if you wait outside, they'll give you free Chick-fil-A for years, so people

camping out all night in the Chick-fil-A parking lot, and I just thought I just- I just want to send Joey to his places. Every Chick-fil-A or- I don't know if it's every one, it was this one. You got free for a year? Yeah. Wow. Wow. I'll tell you what. I like Chick-fil-A. I like the chicken cutlet. You take the bread, throw it away, but I went over here in Hollywood. I got sick both times. That one had an aftertaste. I didn't like it. That's where the gays were protesting. They put the stomach- they put the fucking gay whammy on that fucking plate. That's probably what it is. They're getting bad water. They're getting used water from one of those gay bars now in Santa Monica, some shit. They're getting something in there. I went there twice. I loved it when I lived

in- when I lived in Boulder, it was in the mall, and it was next to a place that made lemonade with rosemary water. Jesus, it was fucking delicious. Oh, rice. It was a three bucks a pop. I could go down there and spend a 20. That's what I had the American Express. I didn't give a fucking those things. I know it was going down anyway. I went and then drank 80 fucking iced teas just on- Oh, my God. So many credit cards. Oh, my God. I've been through so many credit cards. Some of them are still chasing me. Most of them I paid off. The ones from 90, they just- I had like 15 of them. And then I didn't touch them. At least I had- I never thought about it. And then when I got separated, before I got separated, I went to New York for 10 days, 10 days, went to the police

car. I took cash advances like Johnny Bananas. There you go. 200 a pop. You know what that's like when you go get your bill? Oh, my God. I remember I couldn't even get more cash advances there. Like, what are you fucking kidding me? You're out of cash. And I got the first bill. I owed them my triple that. Those cash advances? Oh, yeah, because they charge you for that. They used to charge. I don't know if they still do, but yeah. Oh, yeah. They tack it to the print. They do something weird. Those blank checks, isn't- Oh, those blank checks, fuck that. Those blank checks saved my shit one night. Saved my shit two nights and shit. Because I found them in the drawer. Oh, you know when you're looking at going for a draw, looking for a pen? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're like, ho, ho, ho. What have we found here? And I owed a bunch of money. I was living in Boulder. I was just starting comedy and they had a 24-hour drive to us. Let me take a chance. I wanted some coke. This is the last hope. I got a check for a thousand. I went right to the fucking truck and I owed discover. Oh, at that point, I owed discover everything but the kitchen sink. They were calling me everywhere. I went over to the bank and gave them a check on a Saturday night and went over when they came back and they said, how do you want an 100 to 20? I said, nothing but Ben Franklin's. I took that $1,000 and I ran out of that drive-through window. Do you know they called me at 9.01 on Monday morning? Oh. You authorized to take that money back immediately.

Immediately. You were not supposed to be given that fucking loop. And your response was, it's gone. I didn't answer the phone. You might as well get it back from the Colombian because that's gone. I fucking got a cash advance. That built a tunnel in Mexico. Those people chased me for fucking years. And you know what they did? They went out to the bank. Okay. And even though I owed the bank, I had an accurate Integra that I had fucking gotten. I got divorced. I really wanted an accurate Integra with a badass stereo system. That's the car I fucking was going to the Denver Nugget game and I fucking hit the black ice and I had banged up the rims. And then my big deal was to bust into the Mike Kessler's car shop and bow the Subaru and take

a car, bring it to my garage, take the tires off and put it on my car. Can you imagine me coming to you and going, Eleanor, you're the general manager that accurately plays. Do me a favor, give me the keys. And I was like, serious. Like, give me the keys. And he's like, Joey, they're going to fucking know. Yeah. And then something happened. I had to leave and I left them when I came back. They went, this is how nasty discover was. Discover was going to suit the bank for the thousand bucks because they gave me the thousand bucks without checking something. Yeah. The bank automatically, no matter what I owed them, gave me a loan for 24 months to pay back that thousand bucks and they tacked it on to the Acura that I had. Oh,

they reconditioned the Acura I owed this much. They were calling everywhere. The balance was like $4,000. They were fucking looking for it. I never paid them. They must have figured it out. What a fucking shame. They ripped off some other push. I was very fucking fortunate, man. But what are you going to do? That's what happens. Eleanor goes on the road. I beat the fucking discover people and that's it. I won't even, and they keep sending me shit discover. Open up Oh, yeah, I fucking look. Yeah, I don't even fuck with them. Capital. I can't believe, you know, don't fuck around. You know what gave me love? Oh, the toughest white people in the game. Gave me my card back like nothing. In fact, they looked me up.

Alex. What? I think cut mine in half. I can't get that back after 24 years. They gave me a call and said, well, you've been gone. We ain't that mad at you. People have misunderstandings. Hey, we take care of them. But now if you like your card back and we're going to give you a nice limit, it's yours. I was like, come on. I thought it was limit list. I mean, I don't know what it used to be. It is limit list. That's right. It is limit list. Something crazy. I don't think all of them are limit lists. Yeah, something's crazy. Something. Well, that makes that's what I got in trouble for because there was no limit. I figured out how to get cash advances on AmEx every month. Do you know you can't get whatever you spend the whole no shit. Yeah, you know that you have you can't

get cash advances on the American Express card. But guess what? Uncle Joey figured out how got to go to a casino. Oh, you go right to the cashier. No, no, the bank, the pit bull, pit boss, I talked to you for a second. Listen, I got this monkey on my back. I'm feeling lucky as fuck. I'm gonna play by Jack. My cards got 11,000 on it, but I'm out of cash advances. Can you help me out? Let me get the card number. Don't walk away and come back and go go get $5,000. It's like automatic in the old days. I don't know about now. That's funny. I like in Vegas in the old days, they would bump your credit card. They could call. Vegas could call. That'd be deadly for me. Deadly for everyone. Can you imagine that? And I'm talking

20 and they'd never did it for me. I'm not saying this. They did it for me. I heard from friends of mine that they'd be they'd have a $3,500 limit. They'd be at $3,300 and you go up to a pit boss and go, this is my situation. Pit boss and say, give me the fucking card. I'll be right back. I got you up to five G's. That was, I don't know how they did it. I don't know if it's true. Don't quote me on this. Well, the token layer said, if you have the money, like if you have money, what people will do is they'll come in and get like money from the casino, like a cash advance or whatever it is, play a couple hands, win it back and just give it back to the casino. Then they have like a $3,000 or $4,000 free trip on the casino. We have to actually have the money.

So if you didn't have the money, there we are. So say that again. So we fly in, I leave my credit card. I forget what it's called, but it's like when you go in and they, they give you money, like they give me a line of credit or something. Right. I know you get credit. You can file paper. So then you get 20 grand and then like you'll go to like play Blackjack or something, win a couple hands and get to like $25,000. If let's you get a $20,000 line of credit, play it to 25 and then just give the 20,000 back to the casino and then you have five grand to play with. I can't do that shit. That's when I lie. I can't. I don't have the balls to do that. Yeah, I could backfire on you. I can't sleep at night. I'm gonna pull the move like that.

Because those motherfuckers always collect their motherfucking geethers. You know what I'm saying? You can't leave Vegas. No, I can't. I can't do it. I don't have the stomach. I don't know. I used to. But then it's fucked up how they kick like people like Ben Affleck out and people who play a lot and they kick them out. That's his wife calling on him. So they kick Ben Affleck out? Like the hard rock or something. Why? I think it was kind of hard or something. I don't know. It was something shady. No, it was something shady, definitely. And they were just, they do that a lot. They kick out a lot of people. They really do. I mean, a lot of people do have scams. It's crazy. I'm not saying he was cheating. I'm not saying he wasn't.

I'm saying somebody ratted on him. I wouldn't have the balls to go into a casino and cheat. You know, I've done some crazy things. I don't know how people... Well, they're always watching you. Yeah. Always watching you. I think even in the bathroom, they're watching you. I agree. I've done blow in Vegas and I'm petrified. Petrified. Petrified. They're gonna, I would go into the bathroom, turn the light off, get a hat with a light on it and make believe I was doing bumps. Anyway, let's talk about some fucking great magazine stuff. For those of us who want premium content, don't have time to waste finding it. You know what there is? There's a thing called Next Issue. Next Issue is a mobile app that lets you tap directly

into the world's most popular magazines anytime, anywhere using your phone or your tablet. Okay. Iconic magazines like People, Vogue, Esquire Time, that type of stuff. High level for people like to wear glasses and little hats and go deez. And Next Issue lets you dive deeper into the story with interactive content for richer reading experience. Sign up for Next Issue right now. I'll tell you what, I'm gonna get your media access to all the top magazines, including Back Issues. That's the clinker. Back Issues and Exclusive Videos and Photos. They have the best content around and the topics I care about the most. You know what, like let's say you love architecture, whatever. They got Hot Rod Magazine. They got Self. They

got Seventeen. Me, you know me. I'm a Rolling Stone type of fucking dude. I like people. I like the little gossip in the front. I'm not into golf digest, but if you get it, I ain't gonna be mad at you. They got Fortune. They got Cycle World. They got Domino. They got everything. They got L. Do me a favor. All right. You know, I'm not here to fucking tell you what to do. The best part is Next Issue was offering a free trial right now when you go to nextissue.com slash Joey. All right. Do me a favor. Just go there and check out what you got. Lee loves it. He don't fucking fly unless he uses it. He says he goes to his phone. You download the magazines you want. Or your iPad. You get on the fucking plane and there you have it. And again, listen,

you could try this for free right now when you go to nextissue.com slash Joey. I mean, why are we fucking around here? I'm giving you something for free. Get on the cuff. Speaking of free. Honest.com. You know what Honest.com gives you? It gives you a free fucking spirit. It gets you strong. It gets you healthy. It gets your blood pressure down. It gives you energy to last the extra. Today, I got to tell you, I lasted a couple of fucking rounds and you did two. You're going to the city and tell you, I've been working hard lately. I did the kettlebells, yesterday and stuff. But I took my little fucking shroom tech sport and every day gives me a little bit more of an edge. I'm not bullshitting you. Whether it's the shroom tech, whether it's the sport,

whether it's the immune, whether it's the ham protein, which I love, 16 grams per scoop, two scoops, 32 fucking grams. It's all your body needs right there. Times five, you got 150 fucking milligrams of protein. You're walking around like fucking Johnny Hercules. Who's better than you? Do me a favor. Go to Honest.com right now. Look at the great selection of fucking nutrients they got from the t-booster to the little fatty thing that you add, the coconut world that you add to your coffee. MCTO. Go there right now. Go there, pick something, go to the box and press in. Church. Get 10% off just like that. And if you stay on it, you got additional 10% off and it gets mailed directly to your house. No more fucking around. Do you like shroom tech?

What the fuck? You like it? Let's get it sent every fucking week here, every other week. So I know when I go to jiu-jitsu, when I ride my bicycle, when I go to fucking whatever this shit where people jumping ropes and flying over walls, I got my energy. Do me a favor. Go to Honest.com right now and press in. Church. Boom. And you stay on it and hang out. Hit E-SIGs, motherfuckers. The best, the best E-SIG out there in the market. You know why? 1,200 guaranteed pups, okay? 1,200. What do you think of those fucking terrorist cigarettes you guys get at 7-Eleven? They're gonna fucking save you. This is the way to go. And right now, they're running a tremendous deal, HIT E-SIGs. You get five for five. Five for 50. I'm sorry.

Each one is 10 bucks. What do they usually leave? Like 18 or something like that? Yeah, like closer to 20. They're hooking you up because you know why? Because you're family with the fucking church. I'm with you. You're with me. They're with us. Do me a favor. Go to HIT E-SIG right now. Quit smoking with the fucking electronic cigarette. You go from 24 milligrams to 16 to 8 to 0, and they throw in the cigar. Five for fucking 50. Who's better than you? Go to HIT E-SIGs right now and press in. Joey's Church. Boom. And get that deal. Five for 50. And don't forget, nail the life of you fucking wax heads. You want to get the

blow torch, the rock. They got everything there. And they got Los Gumbis and Manos, which are now these little fucking white tablets of debt. They look like the thing that Moses had. The tank commandments, the slats. You eat those fucking things. Tremendous flavors and nice and sweet. And they get you fucked up. These guys know how to make a great animal. Go to nailthelife.com and press in. Joey Diaz. Boom. And there you go. You get 20% off the best baby pun in the market. All right. Nice and easy. Next issue. If you're not messing around with the next issue, you're slipping. It's the future right there in your tablet on your phone. Interact the whole thing on it. You're healthy. Hit these things. You're puffin' till your face is fucking blue.

And nail the life if you want to smoke some wax. And that's it, Lee. You're going to sit there like the tomb of fucking death. What's going on with you there? Beautiful. I'm happy you came on today. Thank you so much for having me. I love doing this because this podcast just, you talk about anything and I love that. Your fucking work hard. I see you out there at night. You're walking around and that's all that matters to me. Just doing it, man. When you dove into this, it took your water, to get in it. But once you dove into it, it's like a chick that switches governments. You know what I'm saying? Right? Full blown now. What's up with you tonight? What are you doing? You're going to jiu-jitsu at eight o'clock? Why don't you go to jiu-jitsu tonight? Hell, dude, what?

You'll be perfect by it's five o'clock. By the time you go to jiu-jitsu, it's eight thirty, quarter to nine. You get it out of the way. It's Monday. Yeah. And you think this is going away in three hours? Fuck it. It's not that it's going away. You're making it go away because you're Lee Syed. You're that type of motherfucking jiu. You understand me? If they want to fake jiu, go to Beverly Hills. They're walking around with sandals, giggling. You're not that type of jiu. You come from the old school. You threw the rocks. You got hit by the rocks. You are the rock. There you go. You know what I'm saying? Get it together. Brush it off. How many times am I going to tell you? What's crack or lack of? I don't know. I saw these motherfuckers how they could find you

sexy thing. You could find me right here. No, I'm just kidding. You can find me on Facebook, on Twitter, EJCarigan.com. Also my email. I mean, what's it called? The website? EleanorJCarigan.com. Yeah, yeah. But then I'm going to be in Jersey on the 26th, the 25th and the 26th. So if the Pope isn't preventing you. Stop with the fucking Pope. They're coming from your direction. Uncle Vinny's Comedy Club. You're going to get people from Manusquad, Point Pleasant, Seaside Heights. We're going to get all Point Pleasant Heights. You have to play there all the time. Fucking Lavalette. You're going to get people coming from all over the world. You have to come. Yes. Well, I'm just saying they're afraid to come out. You got a new year's gig yet? I don't,

I don't think. And then when I go to Philly, I'm taking you to Philly, hopefully next February of March. Yeah. You come home, you see your family, you'll get the family out there jumping up and down. They're out of their minds and they would love to see you. What's up with you, Cochlicker? Cochlicker? What are you going to do tonight? Stay in the apartment and watch another fucking 10 episodes of Parks and Rec? I have no plans right now, man. No plans. What are you doing? Yeah, what are you doing? It's not what I'm doing. It's what ain't I doing? There you go. I'm going to go home now. I got to play with the fucking Lunatic. I got about 7.30. I got to watch three episodes of fucking Team Umizoomi with the troublemakers. There's these three

little faggots on there. The troublemakers are knocked tables over. What troublemakers? They're three little faggots. Two little guys. They're troublemakers. But she loves it, right? Oh, she turns around. Daddy is a troublemaker. She takes a bath and I'll tell you what I think I'm going to watch tonight. Bullets Over Broadway. One of my favorites. I'm in the mood for Bullets Over How Good Is Chance Pommentary? I saw the one-man show of his Bronx town. Okay, you didn't see it. I love him. No, no, Bullets Over Broadway. It's Woody Allen. No, but it's still, he's the guy, the writer. He's terrific. He's terrific. That's his best all-time fucking role in that. When he's trying to argue with a writer and he's better than the

writer. He's telling them what to write. Nobody talks like that. Nobody talks like that. But the best is the writer fucks up and he shoots him. That's how personal he takes the fucking play. That is as great as ever. So good. So I found it on YouTube. Oh, great. It's on YouTube, the full fucking movie, Bullets Over Broadway. Oh, wow. Okay. The black, the black fucking, the maid, with the guy, the boss's wife, the chick. Oh, yeah. You want the good hooch? You want the good hooch? Give them the good hooch, you shit. Oh, from the clean bathtub. There's two movies I got to watch all over again. They're just calling me. You ready? Bullets Over Broadway and Harlem Nights. Especially after we talked about David Banks. I'm looking for Harlem Nights. If not,

I got to watch some Michael Jackson. Remember the time video. It's like 18 minutes. Same thing. Harlem Nights. Remember the time. What's the fucking difference? People dancing, jumping up and down black snakes. I love you guys. Thank you, Eleanor. Thank you for having me. Listen, Jersey, my Jersey people. You know, I love you motherfuckers with all my heart. Friday night, you go see Eleanor and stay night. You come see me in the city. What? Where are you? When you're in Uncle Vinny's, I'm at Gotham's. Oh, I'm right there. I'm skipping a jump from you. You'll never make it to 1145. Wow. Shoot. Lee, you have a look on your face. Don't forget to tell me about Vegas. And Vegas is September 19th. We're shooting a special. Lee's going to be there with a little hat. Nice. Salami,

the fucking Anarchy Edibles. A lot of people coming. A lot of people supporting on this. Thank you very much for the love and the fuck. Why am I talking into the mic? I'm right here. I've got to pee again. All this water. I sweat a lot today, but Jesus Christ. What's up, dog? You're going to go to the Jiu-Jitsu tonight. You need to go over and just tell, say hello to my cello. Work it out. Do a couple push-ups with John, but he'll teach you some shit. You have a good time. I'm going to go Thursday. Thursday. Thursday is never going to come. You've got to go Wednesday night. I think you get it out of the way. You get your kettlebell in and then you go over the 24-hour fitness and do your little fact thing until fucking, you know, your asshole blows up and

shit from doing that shit. You do be loved to go. How can it be a fact that you do? Once a week, but that's not the only fucking thing I do. What? And not everyone can do 80 different classes, man. You're going to, like, my 80 different classes. You had to do everything. You're 27. If I was 27 years old, do you know what I'd be doing with what I know now? Oh my God. You know what I'd be fucking doing? First of all, at 6 a.m., I'd be fucking swimming. If I was you, I'd be in a pool at 601 with three times a fucking week. And then on Tuesday and Thursday, I'd be with Rashad over there. I signed whatever his fucking name is, doing Jiu-Jitsu at 1230. So you kill that, but you do the kettle.

That's what I'd be doing if I was 27. Easy. Then on Saturday and Sunday, you want to go with Mom on the elliptical and bring a little Rexon Park on the tablet and look at it. That's up to you. You're 27. You could do something every day. What recovery? You're 27. It's not recovery. There's so much different driving around. What's driving around? You're living the fucking neighborhood. What's driving around? I don't like meeting that many people. What meeting that? What people? You're going to sit in that place? Just going to the gym and getting over there.

What? Joining a gym? That's not a gym. That's a fucking, they're going to fucking the muffler over there. You do one thing. You do, you walk in, you do the elliptical for a year and three months. The same thing. What do you think has happened to your resistance? The same fucking thing. You're going to look there and sit me in the eye and still say, motivate you a year and three months. You sit there with some tablet or some fucking Harvey Homo show. That means nothing. I can see if you sit there and smoke a joint and work it out. Nothing. You sit there with no vitamin D. You can't smoke a joint inside 24 hours. Well, no, you smoke a joint in the car before you go in there at least thinking,

write notes down or something. Nothing. You're going in and watch some fucking bad show. I'd rather you fucking go to North Hollywood stretch and walk around three times, get some vitamin D. You never know what could happen. You got to switch it up now. It's time to switch it up. You're 27 years old. How much longer? How much longer? How many more days? 22 minutes. What fucking 42 minutes? You're 27. At 27, I didn't sleep. You weren't fucking the Agostino. Both of you. Sleep is great. That was a time I used to ride my bike to swim in Boulder.

Those pictures are great. They're fucking beautiful. Then I ride back home and hit the bag and lift weights when I was your age. Sounds really hard. It's hard. It's a piece of cake. Oh my God, you are so funny. This is you. Oh, I could go for a piece of cake. You're a young fucking man. Don't you love cake? You're a fucking savage. I love cake. You're an animal. Look at you. Close the show, cocksucker. Please get out of cake. I can't have cake. Why not? How many points you got left on that? I have no idea. I didn't use any points yet. You haven't eaten yet, sir?

I'm a mess. Oh, I had a banana because I was coming. Close the thing please. She's eating fucking bananas. You know, that's all I need now. Close it. Next issue is the mobile app. It allows you to tap directly into the world's most popular magazines. Anytime, anywhere, using your phone or your tablet. The best part is next issue is offering a free trial right now when you go to nextissue.com.com slash joey. So it's also brought to you by onnet.com. Go to onnet.com and use code word church to get 10% off of all your ad supplements out of brain, new mood, export. It's code word church to get 10% off. Go to knowthelife.com and use code word joey

Diaz to get 20% off the premier brand on the market for all the oil and wax smokers out there. Use code word joey Diaz to get 20% off. And then also the makers of those gumis or monos, but you have to live in California. And go to hitasix.com. Better tasting, longer lasting, the proof is in the vape. Go to hitasix.com and use code word joey's church to get five hitasix for $50. So routine with nature's queen, you know what I mean. It's what I want, the long one. You can't see the numbers wrong. Now you look so peaceful. I am there asleep. Where the wings are gonna fuck you before the spirits meet.

The rock bottom, the rock bottom, the rock bottom, the rock bottom, the rock bottom, the rock bottom. Good luck. Have a go, just don't wait, wait, you can't now Rock bottom, rock bottom, rock bottom Rock bottom, rock bottom, rock bottom Well, our darkness grows in it Well, our lives reveal your soul Yes, once we get inside your play, go

I'd love to leave you, I'd never know Where do we go? Where do we go? Where do we go from here? Rock bottom, rock bottom, rock bottom Rock bottom, rock bottom, rock bottom Rock bottom, rock bottom, rock bottom Rock bottom, rock bottom, rock bottom

Rock bottom, rock bottom, rock bottom Rock bottom, rock bottom, rock bottom Rock bottom, rock bottom, rock bottom Rock bottom, rock bottom, rock bottom Rock bottom, rock bottom, rock bottom Rock bottom, rock bottom, rock bottom Rock bottom, rock bottom, rock bottom Rock bottom, rock bottom

So until the nature's clear, know what I mean It's quite a while to know what you can, see the numbers run Now you look so peaceful, I am there asleep But the waves are gone above you, it probably spirits me Rock bottom, rock bottom, rock bottom Rock bottom, rock bottom, rock bottom Rock bottom, rock bottom