Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #317 - "Mike" The Agent

Episode Date: September 15, 2015

"Mike" The Agent, Comedy booking agent, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for five Hit E Cig's for $50 Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by using code word joeydiaz. They are also produce some of the best edibles on the market, Los Gummies Hermanos Recorded live on 09/14/15 Music:  ABC - Jackson 5 Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet Whole Lotta Love - Led Zeppelin

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They have e-cigarettes and e-cigars for you in different flavors of e-cigarettes, in different variations of nicotine if you're looking to quit smoking. When you use Colbert Joey's Church, you're gonna get five hit e-cigs for $50. Oh shit. Kick that motherfucker, Lee. Stop it, Lee. Stop it.

Right? Little Michael Jackson, to start off a fucking week. Boy, you thug molesters out there. Oh shit. Oh shit. Monday. September 14th The day the devil was buried in a seat, fucked in the ass, thrown to ISIS, they cut his

head off. Oh shit, here we go Lee, here we go Lee, little Motown for you, here we go. Lee Syed, your uncle Joey, the mystery guest Mike, the witness relocated, Big Mike, age into the stars. Is it Big Mike from across the street? No, that's Monica that you invested in, Big Mike. What's happening Lee Syed? Oh I had a good weekend, I watched Blazing Saddles with Paula, it was her first time

watching it. Did she enjoy it? Yeah. Did it hold up? Yeah. For me it does. I told my mom that we watched it today and she's like, oh when you're kids it's good for girls but it's always good for guys but girls don't always get it but I still love

that bean scene and the forwarding. Just that, Mel Brooks is a fucking guy, I would love to be able to meet him, he's fucking a legend. I'm a silent film Mel Brooks guy, the silent movie. Yeah, silent film is great, I still haven't seen American History part one or History of the World part one. That's a good one. That's a really good one.

That's a really good one. You know there's just so many movies that you want to see and now with Netflix I'm behind the fucking catalog because me I want to start from scratch all over again you know. I did watch a fucking great movie this week. You know man as a movie guy or whatever the fuck we are, we like to watch entertainment and I've read scripts and there's scripts I get made that you look at and go, this is fucking total garbage. I really want to see the script for Rocky because every time I watch the movie it gets

better and better. It's not something that, I had the DVD somewhere in the house, it's not something that if I'm fucking lonely and the power's out and I gotta watch a DVD, I would put in because in your mind you watch Rocky a thousand times, it's like a fucking relative. Rocky is like a parent, you take it for granted until you watch it even with commercials and you pick up little things that you go, you know what as dumb and fucking goofy as he is for that fucking movie Sylvester Stallone on that day was Einstein. So all the stars came together, I don't give a fuck, I'll go pound for pound that day when

he shot that movie. I couldn't even contain my tears, I could not contain my tears, the emotion that brought back to me like where I was when I watched it the first time, I was at the Union City Cinema and I saw a theater for the first time in my life, I saw a theater blow up and then a year later I saw a theater blow up again with the original Longest Yard. I never saw that in the movie theater, white people fucking on their chairs cheering for convex, you're walking home as a kid going why was I cheering for fucking convex, these are the bad people but the whole theater was on their feet but just going back to Rocky

it's perfect. It's hard for a guy like me because when I saw it there's other ones like it's on the boxing movies and whatever, I don't know what year came out, whatever year came out was there anything else like it at all or was this the first? It came out, had to be 73 or 76, one of those two fucking years, 76 okay, later on when you're not doing nothing, I want all you motherfuckers to see what was nominated for, what was nominated for Academy Awards in 76, let me teach you a fucking lesson about movies so your fucking head explodes okay.

Try to do 76 or 77, well whatever the fuck, 76 and 77, do the split screen, what do you got 19 computers for to fucking be a weatherman, what was nominated that year for Academy Award? Okay. Your head will spin. Best picture was Rocky won, all the presidents men, bound for glory, network and taxi driver. Are you fucking kidding me, there's four movies in that, well let's read them again, read them again. Rocky.

Okay. Bound for glory. Down who? Bound for glory. Fuck them. Network, which I don't, that's the only one I don't recognize. Network is tremendous. And taxi driver.

Okay, what do you think? What the fuck do you think, what the fuck do you think, now let's get the release date for taxi driver and let's get the release date for Rocky. Taxi driver was also 76, let me see if I can find the date. Okay, so you're a fucking young kid. February 8th. You're 10 years old, what's that one? Taxi drivers, February 8th of 1976, which one else, which other one do you want?

And Rocky. Rocky. December 3rd of 76. Okay, so you fucking, sorry November 21st. You think about that, that was a Thanksgiving movie in those days. Now what do you go see for Thanksgiving? Dick, Rocky for Thanksgiving, everybody listen, if you're not, if you weren't born or you weren't alive, it was fucking huge.

Everybody was Rocky and everybody was doing jumping jacks. Everybody was running in the streets. Everybody was drinking fucking eggs raw. Everybody you knew. Everybody who wanted to be a tough guy was, I just ate 19 eggs raw. The barbarian brothers were eating 36 eggs. Now you went to see Taxi Driver. The impact that movie fucking made on me as a kid.

I remember that movie came on ABC Sunday Night Movie, October of 79. Taxi driver did? Taxi driver, that's the first time I fucking- With the whores and the fucking shoes? They cut a lot of shit out in those days, but I remember watching it in my mom's bedroom and my head was gonna fucking blow up. These movies were just back to Rocky. That scene when he goes in to the guy and the guy says, I want you to do this, this,

this and this. And he goes, listen, I'm just a fucking amenegra. I almost had a nervous breakdown right there in my chair. My wife had to fucking give me a mouth to mouth. And then the scene when he goes to look at the thing and he sees his shorts are red instead of blue. And he tells the guy and he goes, does it really matter anyway? And then he goes back to the room with Adrian and he tells her he just wants to go the distance.

So he doesn't end up like one of the bums in the neighborhood. Are you fucking kidding me, guys? Are you fucking kidding me? I almost had to fucking take 15 volumes. Did you have that experience when you first saw it or because of looking back on it now? You just look at that and go, that's how I felt. I understand what he felt like. He just didn't want to be a bum from the fucking neighborhood.

Just end up in a bar drinking, talking about playing high school football or whatever the fuck they talk about those people. It's fucking crazy. Have you seen the preview for Creed? No, they say it's spectacular. I haven't seen it. It looks interesting. Yeah.

Just tilt it down a little bit. Sorry. There we go. Better? Yeah. Just seeing all these remakes, I just wish it would stop, but if it looks good, then I guess. Well, Creed is an remake.

It's the last in the Rocky chain. So it's the sixth fucking movie he's put out. Obviously the studios wouldn't invest in it, they didn't think they were going to get their change back. Obviously Rocky and fucking China, they throw new chucks in the movie until they fucking like dragons on fire. That's what we know. We don't know what they do here.

We don't know what they do in England and fucking, you know, look at the guy from Baywatch. Wasn't he huge in Germany? Yeah. Yeah. We don't fucking know what these people are doing. They said that the reason why Netflix did that like six movie deal with Sandler was because of how well he does overseas. overseas.

Yeah. Like that's like they're like, oh, we don't care if they watch it in America. This is for over here. And the Philippines, they're still fucking talking about, you know, him on a skateboard or whatever the fuck Adam Sandler does. So you never fucking know. Mike the agent. Yes, sir.

I really wanted to talk to you about comedy tonight. This is an education type thing because this is a question that every comedian has. And if anybody knows the answer, you're the fucking king of this shit. And no, we've discussed it with Ari, you know, we all, all dear friends, we've known each other for a long time, you know, Mike, the fucking agent. Yeah. We've met many times. Yeah.

Mike's a good fucking dude. So that's more of an education type by cat. You know, I got hit up by a bunch of people about this Nick Diaz thing, plain and simple. Right. Okay. You could fight on the street corner. You could fight in a fucking gym on a Sunday for $200 or you could fight for a half a million dollars.

They gave me the opportunity to fight for a half a million dollars. You probably smoked a joint the day before. Am I supposed to be mad at them or whatever? I'm not mad at them. Was the fine hefty five fucking years. It's a third time. Right. It's a third time.

And it doesn't really matter if it's hefty. I mean, he, he must have to sign a contract that says you won't smoke. We have the fucking reason is whether California or whatever the fuck Alaska, Alabama doesn't matter regardless of that thing says you can't get high. I know a bunch of you guys would love to hear yet, fuck, yet listen, man, you know, he's going to appeal it. He'll probably get it down to two years or two and a half fucking years, but he broke a fucking rule.

He broke it. Well, it's, you know what? It's his third one. If he respect what he did, uh, Mike and I were talking about this before. I love comedy. If right now tonight, what's the guy with the one year that just got the fucking show? Stephen Dorff, whatever his fucking name is, Stephen Colbert, whatever his fucking name tomorrow, I got the fucking call.

They'd like for you to be on the show. I'd have to turn it down because I wouldn't represent myself properly somewhere. It had to be a fuck somewhere. It had to be an edgy joke. So if I didn't look at it from that perspective, so if you came to me to fight for half a million dollars and I knew deep in my heart, I love smoking marijuana. I'll lie to you. I'll tell you, I'll stay clean for, I'll give it 10 days.

You know, I ain't gonna lie to you, but after 10 days, something's going to happen. I'm going to be fucking bored and it's all over. You know, and that's me. I just know you have to know yourself. I'm not mad at Nick and Nick should be, everybody should know this. There's rules in the UFC. You're in the top echelon of your profession. And it doesn't matter, like everyone's saying like, oh, well, we doesn't, it's not a real

drug or whatever. That could be the case. But if you and I were this high in, I don't know, what state doesn't have medical marijuana? It doesn't matter. One of those states, and we got raided, we could go to jail. It doesn't matter that it's legal here. And we go to jail here too. They can do whatever the fuck they want.

They shoot people. They put a gun in your hand and said you were a terrorist. They'll do whatever the fuck it takes to clear the fucking murder. You see it on TV, eight people beat up a homeless dude. They held them down, a gun went, are you fucking kidding me? They got it. You know, so it doesn't matter. Right.

They could have come in here right now and arrest us for that fucking edible and get us for possession of our, of something else. It's not marijuana and edible. It's something completely different. You get busted. One of those fucking vapor pans. It's not marijuana. It's a controlled substance.

Oh, Jesus. It becomes something completely fucking different. So thank God, listen, thank God that SAG doesn't have urine tests when I go to shoot a movie or a TV show because I'd flunk all of them, but I know it is going in. That's the UFC. What did he think that he was going in and get a nine month suspension? This is his third one, guys. That was Anderson's first one.

Third one. You know what you're telling me? When you fuck it up, something like that three times, do you know what message you're sending me? You send me Mike. I don't really give a fuck. Yeah. Mike, you're at that point, Mike, you book Lee on the road for six weeks, Lee gets there

late to three of them. What's he telling you? And you got him good money. What's he telling you? I don't want to do this. I'll find somebody who will, I'll find somebody who'll come here and fight and abide by the fucking rules. Right.

Well, half a million fucking dollars in the frustrating part is like Mike could just get another, well, like the person who isn't going to fight, can go fight somewhere else or the promoter can go get a different fighter, but someone in like Mike's position who is making money based on a deal, you still, like, I can't imagine what Nick Diaz's agent or manager, whatever it was, was thinking like, I have, I don't know, let's say if it was 500 grand, he was going to get 50 grand, he had 50 grand riding on that. And he doesn't know if his client's going to show up at all, even. And then if he does, you got to move in, he's going to be high.

You got to move in and handcuff the motherfucker if you're getting 50 large. You know, you can't just sit back and go, well, I thought, no, no. And this is, but you're a big boy. Yeah. In reality, I don't need somebody moving. Hey, listen, when I was 27, I had a predicament, I had a peanut bottle. Have you guys heard the stories of the shit I did? I used to pull my uncircumcised dick back, get pool cleaner, crush it up like salt and

put it in my dick and put my uncircumcised dick skin back over it. And then I would pee and pull the skin back and all the particles from the pool cleaner would close. And when I failed, the next time I use Drano, I use fucking Drano. My dick still has psychological and fucking meat scars on my dick. Thank God nobody ever looks at my dick. That's why when Rogan asked him, would somebody, would they did somebody who committed suicide? No, but if they sucked my dick, they should kill themselves because that's got Drano on

it. Fucking Machunga juice. How long were you sitting there with Drano on your dick? Like an hour, two hours? It must have been a while, right? I would do it right away. So when I went in there with my dick, it was still being chunks. Because if you pee.

So you knew when you had to take a test? You had an idea. I always had to prepare. If I got high on a Friday and I walked back in on a Monday with my record, they were gonna pee test me. So my job was, I wasn't gonna come back clean, but I wasn't gonna throw that fucking test off. I wasn't gonna blow up the computer.

The last one I did was Drano. What's the shit you put? It was either Alka Salsa or Drano. And the guy put it on his desk, okay? The guy would walk me into a room, watch me pee with the door open. I would take the bottle, pull the skin back, pee, and then the Drano chunks would fall into the pee. I'd cover it, give it to him with a glove on.

He was walking with it. You could see the pink particles floating in this fucking thing. And they never caught you? He puts it on the table and the thing starts shaking. You could see the thing go shh. Like it was like meth getting made. And he's like, so how you doing? What are you doing this weekend?

Because he was like from somewhere in fucking Texas or something. And he doesn't even catch this. Three days later, I got a fucking called dog. You fucked up the computer down. Do you know how long I fucked around with those piss tests? Do you know how bad I was? But it didn't matter. I was put in a halfway house.

I was given rules. I failed one time. I had to pay my turn like $4,000 to go in there and fight for me to put me in a non where you go spend the night at a halfway house, where you just go in from $6,000 to $9,000. And I got away with it. And I gave him another hot for touching it because then I stopped snorting but I was still selling it.

So I would weigh the chunks and it would go through your skin. So from Nick's perspective, you know that you've had two failed drug tests. You're going to lose 100, whatever grand, and you're going to be banned. In my world, I was going back to prison and I still got high, at least I am. And what were you thinking? With a wife and a baby. Were you even thinking about it or just? Didn't give a fuck.

Didn't give a fuck. So I understand where Nick is coming from. So pretend I'm your friend back and I'm like, hey Joe, you're in the halfway house. You shouldn't do this coke. Oh, I'm not going to do it. This is going to be my last night tonight. I'm never going to do it again. I'm getting my shit together.

I only did this because you called me up and said it was your birthday. I'm only doing this because of you. I'm only getting high because of you. I was home. I was going to stay home with my manager and write a script and shit, but you fucking called me up to do blow. Now you're fucking telling me about my daughter. What type of fucking enable you?

Right away I ruined the night. Right away then I go fuck you and then you go, come on, don't be mad. I'll buy you an A-ball. Okay. Now I got my hooks in you, you cunt sucker. I always loved when somebody came and gave me the fucking whatever because I flipped around. I was in the kitchen and I fell, I'll dare you.

What the fuck is wrong with you? I'm never talking to you again. Take your cocaine back. I was just kidding. Come on. Keep it. All right. So what do you think for Diaz?

What does he need? He's going to appeal it and then fucking hopefully get it knocked down to two years. Couldn't he fight in a different state though or a different country or no? I don't know what the rules are. I have no idea what the rules are. I think he can maybe wrestle. W, didn't they say child sign? Maybe.

Well, he's fighting in Metamorris. I just saw the headline today. Yeah, but that's like Jujitsu tournament. There's no striking and shit. I don't know if he gets paid. Yeah, I think he gets paid. I don't know what the rules are. They let him, he writes a letter of some shit.

They don't test you in those tournaments. I don't think they test you in Metamorris. I'm not sure. Do not quote me on that. I'm a comedian. I'm a Jujitsu contest fucking rule maker. Are there PEDs in Jujitsu? Do you think?

I have no idea. I don't even know the fucking PEDs. Like steroids. Everybody does steroids except you and me and this fucking guy over here. You have to assume everybody does fucking steroids nowadays or some form or something. Remember, there's people on anti-aging stuff. Right. Yeah.

So there's some, there's everybody in Hollywood wants to live to a fucking there 100. So if I could sell you a fucking dream package that you're going to live to 100, come in here every week. I'll shoot you. Just keep drinking water and eating the sushi at sushi then and everything will work out for you. You know what I'm saying? Whatever Lee.

I don't fucking know. It's fucking, it's just, I mean, he must have enough money. He must be doing something else because I was going to say it's too bad he's running a career. Well, I think he trains people. Listen, they paid him a half a million dollars for two or three fights. He made some money. They come back.

They figured that would get him focused. Remember, he didn't show up to a fucking table reading. They pulled them off the fight and they put them up against somebody else and I like him. I love him and his brother. I'm fans, but this is the reality of it. You're at the top echelon of a league that's getting weirder and weirder every fucking day. Right.

It's getting weirder and weirder. So why are people even? Well, we don't know what's going on. Isn't Nate not even fighting right now? He's like waiting for a better contract. I have no idea. I wish I fucking knew. How do you like, how do you, I don't know what the word is.

Give your advice to a client who, because your money depends on them making them bringing money in, but then you want them, then they're like, oh, no, I'm fine. I want to hold out, but then it's tough because you're dealing with an addiction, right? And like Joey said, they're professional liars at that point. They'll convince you and everybody else on how this is different and, you know, in the comedy space that happens all the time where you'll deal with someone and they'll have a problem and they'll go to rehab and they'll come back and be like, hey, everything's great. Let's hit the road.

Let's go. Let's go tour. Let's go do this. And you got to trust them. Right. I mean, that's your guy. And they're telling you, they're telling you, hey, this is, everything's fine. Everything's great.

I got it together. I'm going to meetings. Everything's fantastic. And they sound great. And then all of a sudden you're hearing stories about, they don't make radio, they got locked in the room. But then there's an excuse. There's something to happen.

I'll stay down. My flight might go off and then they're good the next week and then the week after that something else happens and it's very, very challenging, especially when you care about these people. Like Joey said, there's only so much you can do. At the end of the day, they have to want to help themselves. I mean, look at, like this is a perfect example, he had a half a million dollars going for one fight and he still chose the drug over that.

I mean, there's nothing any person can say. I mean, you can lose your family. You can lose everything for addiction and it happens. Do you still work with someone who's been through a couple of failed drug tests or whatever? Or gone like, at what point do you have to say I can't work with you anymore? It's very tricky. It's a tough call to have, you know, because you feel for them. You know, you're, it's kind of like asking a brother, when do you stop talking to your

brother? You know, he's disrespected you time and time again. He hasn't paid you back. He hasn't done this. Any kind of addict is always a tricky situation. But there does come to a point for sure where you're risking your professional career and you're risking your reputation for them. And there does come a point for sure where you have to kind of have that conversation

that I can't do this anymore. It's, it's, I don't want to trust you. And once that trust has gone, it's very hard to kind of bring it back. But I don't know, man, I don't have the answer on that one. That's a tough one. I've been through, I've been through some pretty brutal situations where, you know, your heart gets ripped out and you don't know what to do. Even not even with the drug situation, just, I mean, you must have clients who, who you're

trying to guide in certain ways and maybe the deal doesn't go well and then, then you get fired or, or it just, there's so much, seems like there's so much that isn't even based on the job when it comes to that kind of relationship. It's like a lot of times it's, it's factors that had nothing. It's like, it's like why professional coaches get fired a lot? Like they get the blame. Yeah. Yeah.

It's, you know, it, but it's what you signed up for. I mean, you know, we're the last ones to get credit for anything, even though it could be our idea or it could be, you know, us pushing you into something and, and, and then, you know, it's always the act kind of getting, getting a hundred percent of the credit as they deserve. And, but you're the first one to get blamed. Anything goes wrong. If a flight gets delayed, if a fucking club doesn't pay you, if any of that kind of stuff,

you're always the first one to get, to get blamed. You know, that's part of the game. And I think as long as, as the client knows you're doing the best you can, you know, you're always going to get fired for no reason. You're always going to get, you yell that for something that had nothing to do with you. That's, that's, that's the name of the game, you know, and you got to develop a really thick skin. Brass tax, since we're on the subject, if I was doing what I did now and doing blow,

we wouldn't be here. You and I, this would have been over a while ago, especially those six AM ones. Oh yeah. This wouldn't happen. My road career would have been done after 90 days, the true colors would have came out. There's no way. There's no way. You have no idea what I went through from 2004 to 2006.

I would cancel the morning, huh? I'd wake up and still be paranoid from the night before, and there was no way I was going to the airport. There was no way. Well. You know, Joey, but we just saw it, there's a four, there's an 11 o'clock, you can still make it. That's not going to happen.

Well, what would your excuse be? I got a cold, I got arrested at the airport, I lost my license. You got really, really good at making excuses, right? You're probably the best. Oh, it was, it was, it was, and I was really good at booking myself. Yeah. And at that time I had, in 2005, before the longest yard came out, my phone started ringing from a couple of people.

They all sucked. They all sucked. Yeah. And then I bumped into Bill Burr on a plane, and he told me to call Mike Berkowitz. That's when they were with a different company, way before APA, and Mike Berkowitz threw me three weeks, but I knew people. So I was booking these B rooms, these C rooms, getting out of bad payday. I wouldn't show up.

I wouldn't show up the day out, and I knew it. I fucking knew it. Even though you needed the money? Even though I needed the money. I would wake up in the morning, look at the luggage, and go. Not today. So here's a question. So what, is there anything anybody could have said to, to help you get there?

Is there any, like if you had, you know, an agent, a manager, is there anything that anybody could have said on the phone to get you on the plane to go there, you're just, there's no way you're going. No. No. I don't feel good. I got up. I got the flu.

I twisted my ankle. I got out of the airport, and I got arrested. There was a bout where I had a bout with paranoia between the pills they were giving me at the doctors, the coke, and the years of abuse. I had gone into a different place in my mind, and it was, I didn't really give a fuck what anybody thought. I really didn't. And if I woke up, I remember calling Rogan in the morning, I'm going to call somebody

else and hit me yelling on the phone for eight minutes, and me just hanging up the phone, unplugging it. It's not going to happen. I'm not going to the airport. I'm too fucked up. I'm too fucked up. And don't get me wrong. I got on some planes fucked up on the way home.

Oh. Oh. Did you ever, did you ever do that? Did you ever add like a place, like out on the road, not want to go back to LA? Or did you always make that flight? I always made that flight in the morning because I knew it was death, except for the time I bought the 30 Valium's in Beaumont, Texas, and I started eating them on Thursday, and by Sunday morning, I was incoherent.

I got picked up Monday, taken to a hotel in Houston, the club owner of the laptop, said just go to the intercontinental and sleep. I slept at the intercontinental from Tuesday, guys, to Thursday. The Valium's didn't wear off. You figure I had 30 times 10 milligrams of Valium in my system. 300. 400 fucking pounds. Never did I break a sweat, only when I snorted bloke.

I did not drink water. I drank Coca-Cola straight out of a fucking can from the beginning of the morning to the end of the day. That Valium was going to sit in my system, and every time you lit a joint, the Valium restarted. I remember calling him Mike Berkowitz and yelling, like, what the fuck, back up there, and I couldn't even talk straight. Still my face was numb from the blow and the Valium.

So seriously, this is how fucked up I got. I went on the road to get fucked up. I went on the road to get fucked up. By the time I got to my destination, the packages were ready. The calls were made the night before, and we were going deep. Houston, Dallas, El Paso, Miami, Buffalo. In fact, I was thinking I'd just call him to say hello. Jeff in Myrtle Beach.

I love Jeff. That's my dog. Jeff and his wife are Myrtle Beach. He's your drug dealer in Myrtle Beach? No, he was the comedy club owner. He paid me $500, but I made $1,000 doing fake rentals. What? What's a fake rental?

You know, when you sign up, and you sit there and take the ear-beaten for their fucking condominium to sign up, and at the end, you get 75 bucks, I would sign up for three of those a day. When you're getting me, I put earplugs on. I'd sign whatever the fuck you want me to sign. It was before 9-11. They weren't checking IDs. When you're getting me, I was Joe Smith, John LaBomba.

They just give you 75 bucks cash? 75 bucks cash. And they give you an ear-beaten for an hour and a half. Why you gotta sign up? Let me go back and talk to my attorneys. I'm trying to loosen up this building in Manhattan. Have you seen those signs around LA, like 99 bucks, Ron Tripp to Hawaii? Yeah, yeah, same shit.

That's what that is. And apparently, because I just, I went to Google, I was like, what is that? 99 bucks, Ron Tripp to Hawaii. Apparently if you go as a couple, they'll go, they'll turn to the guy, to the girl, and they'll be like, why you with his loser, he's not gonna buy you a time, share in Hawaii. And if you do it, you get 99 bucks, Ron Tripp, airfare. That's after they fucking take your car keys and hide them. Oh, that's an ear-beaten and a half.

They wouldn't fuck with me. Do you think it's worth it? If a blow in those days, $75, 75 for a packet, 75 to get my dicks up, and 75 for some cocktails, what are you, nuts? And I still walk out of Myrtle Beach with a nickel on a fucking Sunday night, what are you, are you kidding me? Yeah. Are you fucking kidding me?

Had to get up early, all coked up, and go to that fucking high, I'd like to buy a condom. What's your name? What's your present value? I think I'm worth about 80 million. I got a building, I want to hit you with a piece, I got a building, I'm trying to move in mid-time, man, I'm dropping the price from 11 mil to 9.5, but I'd like to buy one of these timeshift, come on in, and I'd sit there and bullshit time, and I'd take the area, and show 8.9 percentages, I'd be dropping mortgages, international fucking yen and fucking

rates and shit, I'd get them all confused, and at the end of the day, 75 beans, cash and dola, and then I'd walk down the block to the other suckers, tell them some fucking story, I'm a Chinese immigrant, I got property in Hong Kong, I'm trying to move them, I swear to fucking God, I did this every time I went to Myrtle Beach. And they loved it, everybody was like, I just told all the comics, and all the comics started fucking doing it, what are you, nuts, what the fuck do you think you're dealing with, Lisa? How did you convince them to give you 75 dollars?

I didn't convince them, they convinced me. Yeah, but if you're like, I went to Manhattan, you're like, where's my 75? Listen, I went there one Christmas, the only time I could work at the club is in the holidays, because I was too dirty for the sun, it's too many white dirt, Jeff loved me, I knew Jeff from his Milwaukee days, they used to book Appleton, that's how long they've been in the motherfucking game, and his wife, she's a fucking knockout, 20 years ago, she's probably still a fucking knockout, and then they said, they broke away from that lady that used to book Milwaukee that controlled that place, the gang place, the one that belonged to the

bikers in Milwaukee, JD, he's gone now, six foot nine for 300 pounds, when he paid you, there was a gun on the thing, all the doorman had suits, triple John Gotti suits, everybody was a gangster, big family dinner Thursday night, big family dinner, he was the VP of a big time biker gang, and the headquarters, they've been on gangland, the whole fucking thing, this guy was huge. And also owned the Trouble Hut. That was their front, the condo looked like something from the fucking monsters, the furniture was beige, people had come all over it, it was horrible, then they also had the club

in Appleton, the bikers, it used to be bikers that owned Appleton also, there were two biker brothers or something like that, I'm going back 20 years ago, they ran that, the lady kind of went crazy, gave the business to us, she also booked Marquette University, I remember doing Marquette to her on a Tuesday night, they booked all that, they went to Myrtle Beach, bought a home and opened up the comedy shack, the comedy whatever the fuck it is, and they're nice people, they're nice clean people, you know what I'm saying, I go down and get fucked up down there, those bars in the strip, the water's warm, everybody plays golf, that's the other thing, everybody goes down there, goes to the time chair and play

golf. The question I wanted to ask you Mike, a lot of comics listen to this podcast, and I remember being a comic in this town, and you come to town, you get made a regular at the comedy store, I was very fortunate, I made a regular a month afterward, got here January by February I was in the store, a week later I got made over at the improv, the guy was a boozer and he liked me, he used to sit in that thing up there in the little office and just get high and watch me, and one day he was calling for spots and he started giving me two spots a week, so I was rocking and rowing, Jim McSodder didn't like me, but Gilbert Esquivel booked

Monday nights, Jamie didn't come in on Mondays, so Gilbert always gave me the 925 spot, are you fucking kidding me or what? So I was rocking and rowing, so right away you think you're making progress, and there was a company called IAG, and I'd walk in there with my manager Ken Phillips, Ken Phillips was a genius, he got fired because he tried to send faxes on colored paper, he spent the $100 of the company's money on yellow paper, little did he know, you know what I'm saying, this guy was really money, Ken did you call the fucking guy, yeah I called him, he hasn't answered the phone in three weeks, that's funny, he just gave me two weeks, he gave

me Buffalo Miami, I don't know what fucking line you're calling, I swear I've been calling the guy, tremendous, I love Ken, so I had Ken, and I had Ken call around, and at that time there wasn't a lot of booking people, in 98 you had The Wig, Richie Soups, I don't think Innovative was booking, I don't know, who was at CAA, yes, I remember who was at, oh, ICM had a booker, CAA had a booker, I don't remember who he was but I remember the ICM booker, he's another agent now, I remember that whole thing, and we went through all of them, there was a big booking agent who booked Carlos and somebody else, AJ Jamal and a bunch of other guys on IJ, OHI, and everybody passed on me, I was fucking heartbroken, heartbroken,

hey I'm a funny guy, I'm at the store four nights a week, I'm at the improv too, you know, I'm featuring, I'm starting the headline, if you sign me now, and oh, DJ was over at the feature factory, that was the best agency at that time, if you were a feature, Omnipot, because at that time they were really booking features as headliners and small clubs, they were developing 20 guys, which was fucking genius, half of those guys are still around today, Ian Bag, I don't even remember the rest of them by CAA, but he had a bunch of guys in those days that were really Tom Parker, Tom whatever, no no, Tom, somebody else from South Carolina, one in that area, he had a bunch of guys that were really helping features

and he was grooming them to headline, and that was the only agency that did that, in those days either you fucking were Wendy Liebman or nobody else booked you, I didn't understand why I couldn't get somebody, I got a couple bites during the long assuring, but it still wasn't complete, when is it that a comic needs to start getting booked? You know it's tricky, for me I'm unique in the fact that I look for a rock solid hour, and then that's the bare minimum for me, so you know I get all the time comedians that are very very frustrated and they come and say I don't understand, I kill every single night and I go yeah you're a professional comedian, that's the entry level to being

a professional comedian, you should be able to be very very funny for an hour, now what else do you do? Do you have the right look that can get cast in this TV show that's going to blow up? Are you writing screenplays? Are you doing a podcast? Are you going out there and hustling? Are you figuring out mailing lists? You know someone who's willing to do the work that it takes, you know it was different

a long time ago, it was different 15, 20 years ago, when you could just do a tonight show spot and all of a sudden your calendar would be booked for the rest of the year, I've had a bunch of comedians that I've worked with who literally told me that exact story, I mean who was Rosanne's ex husband? Tom Arnold. Tom Arnold, Tom Arnold was telling me a story, I think he had seven and a half minutes, maybe ten minutes material, he did one tonight show set and he's never not had to work, he's never not worked from that moment on, like he's, his calendar's been full from the time he

did the tonight show set, and that just doesn't exist anymore, I mean there's so many more opportunities, so many more performers, so now it really is okay, great, you're funny, what more are you doing? And I mean I think you're the perfect example of a comic who was killing every single night and frustrated, instead of waiting for some rep to come in and save the day, you took action and you built your own career, you know I mean look at what you're doing now, you're spending time on a Monday night, most comics right now are sleeping, you know they're at the store, they're watching Netflix, you're doing whatever, you're working, you're building

a career, you're putting your time and you're putting your effort in, and you know that always translates, especially now, so that's what I tend to gravitate towards, you know is this comics that are willing to do, okay great you're funny but what else, you know there are other people that will just chase it, okay you're a cute 21 year old girl who's got two minutes, let's see if we can cast you, and there is a business there for a small time but really to build a long career, I think it has to be this, I think it has to be effort to be able to maintain it, you know we were talking the other day about Earthwind and Fire and their agent was telling me that it's like I can still put Earthwind and Fire

at Bonnarill and they'll walk away with thousands of new 20 year old fans who had no idea who Earthwind and Fire was, you know they still have it and they still want to go out there and work, and there's no ego in it, they're willing to go take an opening spot at Bonnarill and just blow people away, you know and I just find those to be very cool interesting stories and a lot of comics get this ego, they get this, well I'm past at the store so I shouldn't have to do that, you know I'm the funniest guy in Kansas City so I shouldn't have to start over, fuck that, I don't want to do that, so there's not really one thing to do but I would say you know figure out what you're really good at on top of just being

funny and use that as a resource, you know I mean you're a fantastic storyteller so the podcast was a perfect medium for you, it was perfect, totally, so it's 1995 gentlemen, I don't mean to interupt you ladies, it's 1995, I'm doing comedy five years, I'm doing comedy seriously between us at the table, I'm doing comedy with everything I got for three years at this point, the first two years I was just wasting my time giving out business cards telling people I'm a comedian, getting on stage once a month, going down there just to make a drug deal, you know what I will meet you at the coffee shop, I'll go down there and do a spot, I swear to God it was like a part time thing, then I realized effort

has to be put into this and actually everything changed, so it's 1995, this was the formula, this was it, I know you were a young guy, you ready for the formula, you come to Hollywood, you get passed at the store, you're in problem, you go there every fucking night, you bang it out, a manager was going to come up to you and eventually an agent is going to come up to you, it's that fucking simple in those days, they come up to you, give you a card two days later, you went in and offered some bullshit, they were offering you water and giving you their spiel and saying you're that type, blah blah blah blah blah. Didn't you tell me that like people used to wait at the store with like plane tickets?

This was way before, this was 20 years before me, I'm talking about my dream, this is what you had to do in 1995, you had to come down here, do that, do some spots and then you had different paths, A you could either go to tonight show path in that day and blast it that way or B you'd go to movie path or there's another path, go to Montreal, yep the whole thing path, now here's what happens, let's pretend you don't get, you're not a tonight show guy and you're not a whatever guy, but let's say you bust out in six episodes of the hottest show Modern Family, this is 1995, you bust out in six episodes of Modern Family out of 13, they used to be 26, 13, you bust out in six, in those days your booking

agent came into the store, I'd love to sign you, we'll get you out next week and in those days when a comedy club put from Modern Family, boom, they didn't give a fuck who the person was, that was the formula, if you recurred on one of those shows then right from that recurring you'd pop a special, Comedy Central, HBO, maybe Showtime in those days, but it was that simple, that was the fucking formula, that's all it took, that's all it took and then you went from there, then you just got booked into different things, sometimes you laid off, sometimes they just threw you on the road, I didn't know the formula why they threw you on the road, sometimes they threw you on the road, there was big money involved, I remember when I started the guy with the smile,

Bobby Collins, was very hot and that day the genius Wendy from the Comedy Works in those days, Monday night she'd had Bobby Collins in there and she would give him like 10 grand for two shows commercial, a fucking commercial, that you knew he was Bobby Collins, you guys were kids, you don't even fucking remember, they were Bobby fucking Collins, so Bobby Collins would come and go hi, I'm Bobby Collins for certs, they keep my teeth white and he'd eat a thing and he'd smile, bam, they put a fucking flyer up in every city, Bobby Collins is coming to town from the fucking certs commercial, when I got here there was two idiots on a McDonald's commercial, Scott something and some guy, they got a McDonald's commercial with the celebrities

would walk in and they'd stop them with a hat on, that guy was on the road making fucking money for fucking ever, because you made money from those things, that shit don't happen today. Well isn't that good in a way, to be honest, is it hasn't the quality of stand-up gone up? It's forced it to for sure, I mean it's, you can't really just get by based on a commercial, people figure it out, I mean Dustin Diamond is a perfect example of like, okay you can have some fame but people aren't going to come back the second time and the third time and the fourth time, unless you got the comedy, you have to have the comedy chops, that's when the comedy chops come in, when that little window opens up, you better be ready,

because if they put you on the road, they're going to put you on the road for 45, then it's going to get out and all of a sudden you're going to have somebody opening up for you doing 15 just to kill fucking time, then it's 15 and then you're off the fucking road. And that happens, that happens all the time, sure. But you know, that's why I always say, you know, once you have that rock an hour, then it's okay, what else do you have, you know, once you have that, because that's on a career, right, I mean going on the road because of a commercial now, you might be able to fill seats, or you might, you know, if you get an arc on some big TV show, you'll fill seats for the first time

in, but those people will tell their friends, nah, that guy sucks, don't go see him, and you want the opposite, you know, I'd rather, I'd rather sell 300 tickets a weekend than 400 tickets a weekend than 800 tickets a weekend, you know, and build it that way than kind of the reverse pop, so. And then I don't know about you guys, but a couple new years, Rob Schneider had lined in Boston, and they always advertised it as like Rob Schneider from Deuce Bigelow, like whatever, whatever movie they were saying it, and even before I was ever in the comedy at all, I was like I don't want to go see him do Deuce Bigelow stuff, like it, I think it might turn a lot of people away. Well that's what happened, I remember being in Miami, and having a feature

week, and another feature week, and that third week Joe Rogan was walking in, I'll never forget this, this is Big Time, and he was Joe Morelle, whatever his fucking name was from, it was radio, he was there with Chris McGuire, who's now Big Time right on all these little comedy shows, and I was there, and I said fuck it, I'll stay in MC for you guys, and every night somebody would pull him over and go, I am fucking blown away, the language was awful, you should be ashamed of yourself, and he would go, what's the problem, you know, I came to see Joe Morelle, the goofy guy, you know, the boxes and stuff, trust me, people sucked into that, they thought they were coming to see that guy, listen, the longest year I came out, I remember a distinctive night, the guy now runs

the small club in Atlanta, nice guy, what's his name, he runs, no the other guy, he runs the small club in Atlanta, he gave me a shot to come into his old club, a big club, and I'll never forget one night I was walking in there, and this lady and her husband and their friend bought like a table of hate, and they're like, oh my god, there he is, and they hugged me, and they're like, you and Adam Sandlin, we love Adam, that's why we're here, when I got on stage, I went to pass them, they sucked themselves in, and looked the other way, and would not touch me with their bodies, like they were great, they thought I was going to go on stage and trip, and break a guitar out, and be like one of Adam Sandlin's guys, and that's when I realized I got to find a way to let these

people know who I am, this was the whole thing, that night always stuck with me, and then I went to see the wrestler, and the reason why I went to see the wrestler on the first night, which how long we've been hanging out? Four years? Do you ever see me telling you I'm going to the movies, standing on one, and I don't give a fuck? Every weekend? No, a wrestler? This is all an act. Wrestler came out at 1130, I was there at 1115, with 80 other people, and each of them was saying, I've been waiting for this movie for eight months, so was I, and I started thinking, how did people know about this movie, eight months before it fucking came out, that kept me awake for fucking six fucking days. I wanted to know how people knew this was coming out, that they'd leak it on YouTube,

because I didn't see it. Somebody had told me I went on a computer page, and I saw the hidden trailer, or something like that. That's it, so they didn't promote that the wrestler was coming out? No, what I'm saying is that I knew it was coming out six months before, so it got me very excited. Now you go see a fucking movie, it's coming out two months later, we find out about it, I found out about Black Mask when I went to see Mad Max, let's fuck that right, Black Mask, Mad Max. So it was two months ago, the wrestler, I knew it came out in December, I was talking to somebody about it in July, and they were telling me that he was training, that this is the fucking movie, that it's a low budget, that's why he's gonna be really good, make sure I fucking saw it,

that somebody saw a screening of it and came out crying, that word got out, that's a powerful word. Remember when I had a discussion about 1975, when we first met, we got really high one day, and I gave you chills, because I started telling you about Boston, and like Aerosmith, I started telling you about marketing, I started telling you about the Boston Red Sox, and the Boston Bruins, and the Boston Celtics, and whatever else was going on in Boston, but here's these five little dirty white dudes, from Quincio, where the fuck they're from, and they're making national headlines, there was no Twitter, there was no Facebook, newspapers didn't call other newspapers and say do a write up, word of mouth was very big, I wanted to know how to get word of

mouth, because that's the one that people trust the most, of course, is when I look at you in the office and go go see fucking Sebastian. That's how podcasts got promoted, that's how I found out about him, word of mouth, there's no advertising for podcasts, I heard the first one the other day, Jimmy Pardo did one, he had like a, he was a spokesman for like AutoZone, I said listen to whatever his podcast is, but like this, the only way I ever found out about podcasts was Facebook, and then people in my office. It's just, same thing happens for comedians, right, I mean, Bill Burr is a perfect example of that, of a guy who built it just based off of people telling their friends, you gotta listen to this thing, this thing's amazing, and then putting out quality

hours, I mean you're no different, you know, think about what you've built on the road, and, but here's the funniest thing, and I've had this discussion with you, yeah, when my agent signed me to do comedy, I was doing comedy 20 years, I had an hour just being me, but I was not really a headliner, I really wasn't ready, I remember those first couple of weeks I went out, I was really having a rough time with people who had come to see me from listening to the podcast, they were still like, this isn't it, it took me a while to flow it, and then I think it was like in Kentucky, then when I got off I said, uh-oh, I'm a fucking headliner, I just balanced these guys,

I knew what material I hit them with, I was very prepared, but it took me a while, and I've been very honest about it, you know, I remember Columbus didn't hire me for a long time, and I said, that's because I bummed last time I was there, there were people there, but I didn't do that well, I didn't do that well, I didn't feel like I had done a good hour. We talked about TV shows and movies, what was it like for you as a comedian after doing the Rogan podcast, one or two times, what was the reaction like? Well, okay, so I'm in this fucking town, I got the coloring book for a theatrical agent, did I ever tell you about that? No.

The coloring book was my first theatrical agent. Is that the name of an agency? First I signed with a manager, I met him at the improv, he was managing Carrot Top, and he left, they all left that company they were at, and opened up different offices across the country, they all got a severance package, and they all left, he took his money, came out here, bought a brand new car, a few suits, got some cards, some rings on, and started fucking peddling management, he signed myself, he went towards Blackaxe, but I tell you who was, I tell you who we did find, Gary Owen, he signed Gary Owen out of the Navy, as soon as he signed Gary Owen,

that's the thing, the guy worked for me minimally, we're Gary Owen, he took him right, Gary Owen and him were making money right from the beginning, then he got married, somehow with the chick, and his father said, you ain't making no money, I can't keep giving you money, and he flew him back to North Carolina, something like that, but I remember we sent packages out together, and at that time I had a pilot, that CBS, did you know that? No. I was showing up with an envelope, I wasn't just showing up like some shmuck with a headshot, I was showing up with an envelope, and a minimal thing, but I was showing up with a CBS fucking deal, all you had to do was call and close it, and you had me, the coloring book, a Black agency,

in the- It's not a Black agency. Yes it was, it was two Black chicks, and it was one chick that was a badass attorney, like this bitch just called people and they would tremble because her husband was somebody, and the other chick was an attorney, and they both went to Georgetown, this was no joke, listen man, this chick worked for me, she didn't fuck around, but I was in an agency called the coloring book, their resume, I always had to have pink ones, or yellow ones, but it was fucking ridiculous, SBV signed me, what's at the time was a huge commercial agency, when you'd walk into SBV, you were somebody, what, they had muffins, people called you Mr. Diaz, you could walk into the back and get your checky-poos, they had Christmas parties back then,

Thanksgiving parties, all the clients would come down, and eating mango, I haven't been to a fucking agency Christmas party in 12 fucking years, those things got shut the fuck down in this time. Okay, so I showed up with a pilot, a little bit of money, the coloring book fucking signed me, then I booked basketball, I liked the coloring book, but I'm a comedian, I gotta be with APA, Doug Stanholme said APA, everybody said APA, I'm at the fucking coloring book, the county store kept saying, give me this a headshot, I couldn't because they said the coloring book on the bottom, I couldn't fucking do it, you understand the struggle I went through, so now I booked those two things, after basketball, then the Taco Bell commercial, I started knocking on doors, and still

still with the coloring book, go fuck your mother, go fuck yourself, it was brutal, but then I booked Telemundo, and I got after, I booked the show on Telemundo for a thousand bucks, I went down there and I was a Cuban door man, I booked it, in those days you had after and sag, I was after, it's the hottest Spanish show on Telemundo about Cubans, a Cuban American family in Burbank, and it shoots in Burbank, I fucking go up there Doug, report on time, rehearse, they go all right, let's go eat lunch, I'm in my car, the phone fucking ring, the page goes off, I go call, they fired me, they just didn't like my Spanish, they didn't like me at all, they were two different listeners, there's Jungle Cubans and there's Decent Cuban,

I'm a Jungle Cuban, because I fucking knocked the audition out of the hotel, but it didn't matter, they paid me and they paid for my after, who's better than Uncle Joe, you understand me, so I'm cooking with gas, I'm figuring I'm gonna do something, guess what show becomes the hottest show on TV, the Sopranos, now everybody's doing Soprano spots, guess what, boom, mad TV got a sketch, I get up at fucking nine o'clock, cooked up to the gills, I got 19 messages, every fucking agent friend, assistant comic that got breakdowns, that was the big thing, call me up, Joey just, Doug, I walked the fucking mad TV, you know, walked in there with my headshot, people were looking at me, this is before 9-11, people were looking at me like what's this kid doing in here,

and all of a sudden, what's the black guy that does the impersonations? He saw me, and he used to see me at the store, would always just wave at this moment, Aries Spears? Aries Spears came over, he goes, what are you doing here, Doug, you here for the motherfucking Sopranos sketch, oh shit, oh shit, and he grabbed me, I walked in, they were auditioning piano players or whatever, magicians, he got me right to the front of the line, I went in there and knocked the pants off, I got that, once I got mad TV, I started talking a little shit, I had to start dropping names and shit, fuck you, nothing late, then Jamie Kennedy popped the show, all myself, Jamie Kennedy pops the hottest show on TV,

the hottest reality hidden camera show, guess what, the producers living in my building, they're doing the Mafia one, they deliver pizza, again I'm on TV, because the show got so hot and they didn't order another 13, so they kept playing our episode, people kept coming up to me at the store, oh my god, I saw you, I'm calling APA, I'm calling fucking DEA, PPP, they're all telling me to go fuck myself, I'm out there every afternoon on bullshit, spending 15 to park, dropping envelopes, dropping names on people, then fuck them, nobody would talk to me, then I got the dinero more, then I really started dropping fucking names, I analyzed that, still, nothing, but I felt by analyzing that, at least I would start selling tickets,

nothing, so what I had been told to do three years earlier, I was doing and now I wasn't getting, do you guys follow me, I'm not throwing a pity party here, I'm just telling you what my reality was, that I was attaining the goals I was told to attain, that I would start fucking blossoming, nothing, it's in my cousin went to Ithaca film school right at the end of tape, and it all went to digital and he wasn't in the industry, so it sounds like you just at the end of an era, sort of, it just, I guess it kind of hurt you, but not really, who the fuck know, NBC is doing a show about a family of lawyers, now, first I'm on a pilot, I'm a bartender and a pilot, a CBS fucking show that it was supposed to go up against NYPD Blue,

they had paid the director a million dollars an episode to fucking do the fucking show, it's gonna go on for sure, it gets canceled, you have no idea, like I was going to, and I was going what the fuck is going on here, all these people at the store popping deals and their shows are getting put on, I pop a fucking CBS pilot and I'm gonna be like an eight out of 12, and now I'm fucked, they're not doing it, then I booked this other pilot at NBC, about six lawyers that lived in the house, I was going to be a recurrent maintenance man dog, and I find the pound, I'm a plumber, and I'm fixing the pipes, and what do I find, the walls 30 pounds apart, so now I'm part of a conspiracy, it's Belafonte's daughter,

and it's somebody else's son, the show comes out of the fucking gate, it's gonna blow up, I'm an episode six, eight, nine, and ten, somebody else was making a comeback, I still see him around town, he was an episode six, eight, nine, twelve, and thirteen, we're all waiting to be big stars, the show gets canceled, episode five, we decided, now I'm, so it was just weird that the evolution of this fucking thing, like I did all, then the longest yard, let's cut through this, I came out with Spider-Man 2, then the longest yard, the longest yard started getting me people, but Adam Sandler's name, and they would come in and run out of there, like I was Godzilla, and I'm not lying, there was no pictures then, nobody wanted to take pictures,

they come over, ask me questions about Adam Sandler, but I was like, trust me, I used to read this thing, people were like, fuck that guy, he's up there rapping on stage, and you could see shits coming out of his nose, and it was horrible. So anyone who came to your show was like the club giving away tickets, or just random walk-ups? The only place I sold tickets at that time was Houston, Texas, Houston, Texas had a tremendous comedy scene, and they supported up and coming guys, Babbit was the genius of bringing Hedberg, and I don't know if I forget, like Hedberg was just starting to blow up, and the kid had just lost his show on NBC, but he was still funny as hell, in fact I called him today.

We were at the store that night, he was Tom Rhodes, and one day I'm talking to Babbit, he was I'm bringing Tom Rhodes in here with Mitch Hedberg, the co-headline, that's like Ollie at the time, and fucking Joe Frazier coming to your fucking bar and having a drink with you and snorting blow, I never heard that before, Doug Stanhope taped the CD there, Rogan taped the CD, so people would just come there on the strength of the fucking club, and if you drank on stage and were getting fucked up, you were selling out. Wow, so people would come back for you every time you won? Yeah, in Houston, I started building a market, but then the club went out of business,

and everything fell apart in years, which was good because I started staying in more and focusing on film, but it's just weird that this whole thing started, the reality of this podcast thing, for me, this thing started on the Rogan podcast, and then went on Beauty and the Beast, and I told the story about Mugging the Hooker, when I went down to that comedy club that night, and there was a hundred people there, and the owner called me and said, he goes, you know there's a hundred people here on a Sunday night, and they pay it, and I'm like, you bullshit, and he paid me my money, he gave me a door deal and everything, I was blown away. This all started, so this was why this is the weirdest thing ever, so I never thought I'd get booked or never thought, but this all

started by just telling people stories and telling them the truth, and that's it. You know how embarrassing it is to let people know you mugged somebody or that you went to jail, you know how embarrassing that is? How different is your set now versus when the longest you are in all those things? Oh my god. All right, the longest shot I had been doing comedy now for 13 years or something like that, 91. 91 is nine, and five is 14. I was at the store, I was following good people, but I was just telling jokes, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Do you remember any of them? No, they were so bad, they were so bad. Then Whitney Cummings directed, produced a special about five or six years ago, and Whitney started getting big.

She blew up, she produced a series on showtime about comedians, short-lived six episodes, I don't even remember who was on except one particular guy, and I was doing coke in my bathroom with the door open, listening, taking a shit, just doing little bumps. My wife was out, whatever, and I'm doing little bumps, she wasn't my wife at the time, listening to this guy, and that's when I realized how bad I was. I knew I had to do something different with my act, because he had the same sort of, he's not around no more, so I was correct. He's doing something completely different now, but me listening to that guy, I was like, me and him are not the same. This is horrible. This is Rodney watered down, doing something else, you know what I'm saying? It was

just really weird. And then I just, at the time, I was writing stories, and one night I popped one of them on stage, and I realized how intense I had the people. I had the people locked in somewhere where my comedy had never locked people in before. Had you prepared the story or just went into it? I wrote the story like two days before, and I was on stage dying somewhere. As usual, I was on stage just fucking dying somewhere like a flapper's, and I busted the story, and I saw all the effect. And then Ari, something happened, and I went down to the improv, and it was Mark Maron way before the fucking show, guys. The podcast was just getting started, maybe a year in, a year and a half, maybe two years, and I went down to the

improv, because Ari was going to do a show about telling stories. It's a Pink Floyd story, right? The Pink Floyd, but here's the beauty of it. And this is us, his family, because I'll tell you, mother, and you know it. Do you think when I drove there, I was going to tell the fucking Pink Floyd story? What the fuck do you think as my fucking Jew brother here? I'm Russia Shadda, a big shout out to all the Jews that are listening right now. You know, you're my people deep down inside, fuck these Gentiles. When this shit is over, I'm going to Israel with you, mother fuckers. You understand me? And that's between us. Don't tell these other people. Fuck them. Listen to me. I don't think you knew until you started. I don't think you might not have even known

until you started saying something. I swear to my daughter, Mercy Diaz, that when I walked into that improv that night, I was telling a story about something completely different. And somebody was up there, and they said something, and I go, wait a second, what am I going to go up there with that shit for? I'm just going to go off the cuff on the fucking stupid Pink Floyd night with lubes and Joe Focaccio, and that's what happened. And somebody sent it to me, and I don't want to watch that shit. And then somebody put it on my space or one of those. It was that long ago? Yeah. And we clicked on one day. I was high, and I watched the first two minutes, and I got to tell you, I was blown away. I was embarrassed. I turned it off,

but I couldn't believe how I was saying the story, and I had fucked up at places. I know, I told like he was a Marine, I had fucked up at places, but I still told the story. So how long have you been doing comedy the way you're doing comedy now with the story? Five years. That's it? Four years. But the last year has been something completely different. Once I went back to the store. So around the time we met, that's crazy. That lit the fire under my ass. I'm a different comic than when I started hanging out with you, than when I am today. So that's interesting, right? If you think about that, and you are, I mean, what you're doing on stage right now is brilliant. It's not brilliant, it's completely

fucking different. I think a lot of people think it's brilliant. No. It's very, very funny. Let's put it that way. But that's a good thing to kind of bring up, right? I mean, you had these things, you had these TV shows, you had the longest yard, but there was a reason that people weren't coming after it, right? There's a reason, and I think it was because of what you were doing on stage, you know? And if you look at what's happened to you, if you hear so many comedians that just go, I should be out there hustling, I should be talking to agents more, I should be sending my demo reels or my headshots to William Morris or anything. And I keep telling them, like guys, there's a lot of people who get paid a good amount of money to go find you.

We'll find you. And I was going to say, how often, like Joey was saying, he sends out, he sends out a lot of resumes. How often, every week, how many submissions do you think an average agency gets? A ton. Oh my gosh. So many. And I feel so bad. I mean, it's such a waste of money and time and resources, and this is, you know, what Joey and I were kind of talking about. You know, we wish you could just tell these comedians, like, just focus on your craft. Like trust, when the time is right, we will find you. That might be a conversation you and I had. Yes. Because you and I don't lie to each other and I don't lie to Lee either. Now,

let me tell you the other side of this story. This is where opportunity meets whatever. Joe Rogan's my brother. I've been running with Joe since 1998, since news radio. When fucking Fear Factor premiered, I was in New York with him. He bought a samurai on 48th Street. Who stops in New York City? And what? Listen to me, motherfuckers. Okay. Well, the summer of Fear Factor, we're walking down Manhattan. He's there to announce it. I'm going to go do some other fuck work job. But he calls me, he goes, come with me. Keep me company. Let's go. I'll pay for it. I go, fuck you. Let's go to New York. What the fuck? We're walking down Broadway. He's in a store buying a samurai on the fucking thing. It's

Fear Factor with his picture. Like a samurai sword? A samurai, like some, some statue of a fucking Chinese guy with a hat that his eyes would blink. Okay. He's in there going, Joe, you gotta look at this fucking thing. And I'm in my mind. Where are you putting this? Because what do you mean when I'm putting this on my front door? The eyes will glow at night. I'm figuring if I can put eyes on it. So anyway, I go outside. I got a page. I got 3,000 in my pocket that I stole from the maid when she wasn't looking like that's how broke I am. Do you understand? Like seriously, I'm telling you guys the truth. But Sopranos is the hottest show. Here's Joe Rogan talking to me on Broadway with his billboard flashing on 42nd Street. But people asking me for my fucking autograph

because I think I'm big pussy. How fucking crazy is that? That's why. Now here, let's talk about Joe. Joe was on news radio. He went out there for peanuts. There were times they were calling for a replacement gig, and he would lose money on the plane ticket and what they were paying them in the beginning. And people coming out to see him from news radio. And there was like a year lapse. Once he got on Fear Factor, people started coming out by the drugs. And I guarantee, like a lot of other people, a lot of people left that very disappointed. They thought it was going to be a quirky house. They ran into a good comic. And somebody who talks about politics on icebergs and rocket ships and is very intelligent in his material. But he kept half that audience.

And then when that show ended, he did something else. Then he got the UFC. And he's built that. He's built that audience over the fucking years. Now, I've known Joe since 98. I've opened for Joe in every fucking improv in the country. But guess what? Guess what, guys? I did something that I did not know I was doing that I heard somebody else was doing. I heard the Dane Cook answer people. But all of a sudden, Dane Cook became a star in my space. And all of a sudden, against my will, you know me, I didn't even want to text. At that time, I didn't even, I was the last one to hold out for a fucking cell phone. I didn't go for the cell phone till 94, baby. I'm not gonna lie to you, but that held on to that red page. That thing went on the water.

That thing had blow on it acid. I had minerals. I shoved it up the chicks pussy. That blow, that page was gold. Every time I went out with Joe, I would do blow when I go back to my room. Even when I lived on Shrader and I and people go friend you. And so we saw you at Joe's show. This is eight years ago. And I would friend those people and say thank you for coming out. All those people I friend that I guarantee 10% is still lingering around somewhere another because I had the opportunity to go on the road with a guy that was drawing more than I could ever, ever in my life dream. But I would always prepare those sets. This is my chance to go. This is the all star game. And I got a fucking chance at back. These

people don't know I've been in the prison. These people don't know about addiction. These people don't know I canceled planes. One time I left my luggage and walked out of the airport and got a rest at LAX. I was so paranoid on cocaine for a night before I got no reason to lie to nobody in this room. And here I'm getting a shot. There were nights I go to the county store and leave. I don't know what the fuck I'm saying. But when I would do those Joe Rogan sets, I would sit down while they were not doing push ups and shit. And they thought I was in my room doing blow. I was writing the craziest shit I was going to write in my life and say, And guess what? Out of those 1200 people, I made 30% of those people my fucking people

that now listen to the podcast. To understand me, I was very intelligent. And when they moved to Facebook, they came with me to Facebook. Now I answer them. And now they came to Twitter. And I know comics get sent messages on Twitter. Guess what? I'll answer it. If I see the fucking thing, I'll talk to you back and forth. If I'm on that, rocking and rolling. If somebody says they came to the show or they bought tickets, ask them. I say, thank you. And I'll see you there. That's an extra move. So over the years, that gift, that's the gift that I didn't do before. I thought, oh, I'm on a TV show. Call the fucking club. You know, call ICM. Tony Jodea's got 40 of these on a TV show. No, I had to work it from the other end. Yeah. Where's fucking Tony Bennett?

What are we looking at me for? Big motherfucking mic in the house tonight. What do you say? Yeah, how you feeling, buddy? You want to eat this little purple dot? No, it's only 10,000,000 grams. I've had 325,000,000 grams. Yeah, stop, stop lying to the cops. Show the rappers. All of a sudden, the rappers don't have labels on them. The one I do doesn't use labels. This ain't the one I do. I bought this from the Russians. You give them information that's not yours to give out. Why are you throwing the one I do into this conspiracy? Why are you throwing the one I do into this fucking conspiracy?

It's a fucking show. We've got to get some courted somewhere. Yeah, but you can't mention it. He's at home right now fucking smoking. I hope you're getting this dick sucked with a bagel. You know, whatever the fuck they eat on New Year's, get felt the fish, the fucking white fish or whatever the fuck they eat. Anyway, you know, I love you, Jewish people. Happy New Year to you. I hope it's a better new year and you make more fucking money you take over. We'll start a little neighborhood in Cuba. We'll fucking rendezvous in Havana. What's up, Ball Sniffer? You felt good today, didn't you? Uncle Joey took you at 10 in the morning. You rolled around. Men sweated on you. They choked you.

10. It was like the day the first day I did the elliptical. I went home and I just fell asleep. Good. You deserved that. I couldn't. You did fucking great today. He was sweating. He was drenched. It was tough. It's hot. It stuck in my leg. No, I caught my tone in it. He stuck that little fucking Auschwitz foot right in my fucking leg. I had him in a half guard and he fucking put his toe in there and broke the fucking half guard. His toe got right in there. He has one of those little juke toes. One of those little New Year's toes. What did he say, like the foot that kicked Jesus or something? I'm telling you, you have an uncle. He was dead when they were kicking Jesus. Jew feet. You can tell when they're related to somebody who was kicking Jesus. Pontius Pilate

went around and got people with feet like him. He said, we gotta do a good job. People who kicked Jesus. Why did I come up with that one? I don't know. Jesus. But it was fun. I'm really liking the small glass. And then Nick, we had him on the podcast. He was one of the guys who did the stick fighting. Sure. He's fucking crazy. And it's, I'm having a lot more fun. Your hair's growing. You're holding it back. I wish. Fuck Ropecia. You're doing this. I took that one when I was young, like 12 or 14, but then they came out with the side effects of what we stopped. What are the side effects? You can't get a heart on. Fuck that. You're gonna always get that little stubby heart and shit. Move a little stool. What did I say to you? Did you just fall asleep? No, I'm not falling asleep.

I'm fucking gonna say something to him and have a brain fart. It happens at this time of the night. I mean, now, in this market today, let's be honest, beside the Chelsea handle of people who were talking, it's very tough to just be on TV and attract people. And I know Anzi Anzari is one of them that's been on TV. He's got a couple of specials. But it's transferred. It's over now. It's over to the internet. People do that. Like the Vine stars and YouTube stars are doing that. They just, have you seen like the, like right at the freaking comedy store, that YouTube guy has a billboard on that hotel? I don't know. So I think that's what it's transferred to. Yeah, but even that's very difficult. I mean, it's very, very hard to break through.

You have to be great, you know, to be able to really sell tickets. You have to be, if you want to do it for the long term, I mean, you can have a pop. People that are mediocre, they come up with some kind of catchy video or some song or some bit that blows up. But in order to maintain it, you have to be great. You have to constantly work. And you've got to be, you'll be doing exactly what you're doing. You've got to be at the store, at the Laugh Factory, you know, at the comedy cellar, at the stand in New York. I mean, you know, you have to be at this place is constantly writing and, and, you know, really taking that approach of doing a new hour every, every year and a half, something like that. It's not even about the hour, Mike. It's about evolving. Exactly. You know,

I go out sometimes and I'm embarrassed. I got white fucking hair and I'm standing next to 25 year olds. I could be their uncle two times. You know what I'm saying? And it's, you're embarrassed. You're like, what the fuck are they coming here for? What don't they know? Don't they have an idea? And in this, what we're doing now, you have to open up yourself. Listen, a great example. Last comic standing. First three or four seasons, everybody who was associated with the show did great. The ones who stayed out there were the ones that had been doing comedy for a while. Right. And even then, you know, Ralphie May is a great example. When was he in last comic standing 22 fucking years ago? He's still out there banging out. There's reasons for that.

He was always a great comic. When he got on there, he was just at his real peak of busting the fuck out there. So he's built that fan base over the fucking years. But a lot of them, you don't even hear from no more. There's very few of them now. Like the only, the only few that I can think of. And I love those guys. I had tons of friends that were on that fucking show. Well, not even Eliza Slesinger was a winner. She's still out there banging that. Yeah. Who else? Felipe. Our buddy, the black dude that moved to Arizona, came back. He's hosting the show now. Alonzo Bowden was a finalist. Rich Voss is still out there from time to time. Torturing people. I love that motherfucker. I see him in the store and he was leaving. I wish we could get him on the podcast

with some labs. There's still a lot of guys that maintain because a, at the end of the day, when you go on a Friday night, these guys deliver. I've always believed in, you know, you come to the fucking show. Listen, I'm not going to lie to anybody in this fucking room. I wish I was still a feature. I wish I could go into a club, let Lee do 10 minutes. The bartender comes over, slips a package in my hand. I give him 40 bucks. I put it in my top pocket in case the cops come. The emcee does 10 minutes. Guess what? Uncle Joey goes up there, does 30 minutes of material in 22. So they don't stop fucking laughing. I get off the stage, Thursday night, I do a couple bumps. I'm out of there. It's off me. It's off me, guys. I don't give a fuck what happens to the rest of

the night. You think I give a fuck if that guy can follow me or not? After a while, after a while, I learned that I was part of the show. Right. But I was a feature for fucking, you know, 18, 19 fucking years. I know how to fucking feature. You want me to do 30 minutes? I'll do fucking 24. Watch, you better open up the fucking door, because I'm going to come out of there like a bar of cool. I got nothing to lose. I got, I just go straight and I get the fuck off stage and I don't get my dick sucked and do a blow. Once you become a headliner, it's a complete different responsibility. I wish I could still go out and do 20 minutes and not give a fuck whether they laugh, don't laugh, drink, don't drink. I don't give a fuck. But to become a headliner,

it takes something else. Now you have to start caring about them. Even when I went on the road as a headliner for years, do you think I gave a fuck about them? I'm only going to do blow. Don't give a fuck about these people or they like me or not. I'm getting a paycheck. The part time that he's Mexican, he's already got his cousin over here on a bicycle. You know what I'm saying? I got sleeping pills in the room and this little waitress says she likes to party. You think I'm worried about these people? I'm not even going to come back here next year. I'm going to be on the TV show next year. That's what I'm telling myself. Fuck these people. But for me to go out every week and maintain it, I got to fall in love with the audience.

I got to keep writing and I got to keep evolving. Listen, some people can write really fast. Some people can't. I know if I give you a quick 20, take a picture with you and give you a hug, we're straight. We're straight. We have a good time. We laugh. Next time you see me, I'll have a new fucking 40. That's just the way life the fuck is. Maybe not. Maybe I'll have a new hour 10. If you know me, I'll have an hour 10. But who the fuck knows? Yeah, but until a year later, most of it will be new. Do you see that Kevin Hart just filmed a special at Eagle Stadium? Yeah. You know, when I went out with Joe Rogan, Mike over here told me a story about Kevin Hart. Tell him what happened with Kevin Hart. Tell him what happened with Kevin Hart. I'm going to equate

to what I do at Rogue and tell him. It was such a great, you know, the way he built that whole thing. He talks about it on the Marin podcast. And I want to say it was soul playing. One of these big movies that he had that just kind of came out and he thought that was going to be it. Done. That movie. And it just tanks. It just didn't do anything for it. And he calls his agent at the time and he goes, put me in every single club. I don't care how much money I make. Every week. I want to be on the road every single week. And he goes, tell him to just fill the room, just comp it out, fill. I want every fucking seat packed. And I'm going to turn those people into my people. So you go to the Houston Improv or whatever, and he'd go, just fill it. I don't

care who they are. I don't care if they've ever heard of me or whatever. I'm going to put on such a good show and that they're going to become my people. And he would kill it. And he did. You know, you'd have 300 or 400 people in the audience that wouldn't know who he was. They just signed up for, you know, a free ticket for something. Hey, let's go to a comedy show. Great. This guy has a, you know him from Soul Plane. You know, he had enough credits that people would come in and see him. And he would sit there after every show with a clipboard. And he would just get email addresses from every single show. And, you know, it turned in from 2000 a weekend, whatever it was, to 5000. And he started building that audience. And he kept doing it on time

and time and time again, kept writing, kept writing, kept writing, kept hustling, kept hustling and built it. And basically got to the place where he could go to a studio and say, hey, if you want my fans that I now control and I talk to on a regular basis, you're going to pay me whatever it is, a million dollars a movie. I don't know how much money he makes a movie. But I would imagine it's probably around, you know, a couple million bucks a movie. And he did that because he built it all himself. No different than what you're doing or what, you know, Dan Cook did at the time. And that's such a good story for every comic to sit there and go, okay, instead of waiting for Hollywood to come around, instead of waiting for the right role

to come around, I mean, this was his role. And that movie was supposed to be everything. And instead of just sitting there and bitching and whining, he goes, put me on the road, let's go, let's go hit it. And he created his own opportunity. And he did it by working his ass off. And and that's something that every comedian out there can do. And it's one of those things. You know, I hear it all the time where you know, they go, oh, man, I'm killing, I'm killing, I don't understand. And it's like, okay, but are you talking to these people? You go, you go play a club. I'm in the best story, Joe. I think I told you this. My roommate at the time, it's a while ago, he started dating us to check. And this girl goes, Oh, I've never been to a comedy show. And

I go, great, go to the improv, you know, tell him my name, and you'll be fine. I'll take care of you. The whole thing. And she calls me afterwards. And she goes, that was one of the best nights of my life. And she's given me the headliners materials. She's telling me these stories and the jokes and the whole thing. And she's like, I love this guy. He was so funny. And I go, that's great. Who was it? And she goes, I don't know his name. I forgot his name, but he was so funny. And I go, my God, Joe, this is what's happening to so many of these comics out there as they're going out there. And, you know, they're, they're, they're being funny, but they're not doing anything. They're not talking. They're not going out there. I mean, all those little tiny

things that you can do, they're not collecting an email address. They're not, they're not putting out an album. I mean, you know, one of the things I keep trying to kind of educate people on is, you know, we should be giving this audience things every single time. So if you're, if you really are that funny as a comic, if you really are that great, you know, go record an album for 300 bucks and give it away to people in exchange for an email address, you know, give them a podcast every single week where you can, you know, you can show your point of view and go out there and do it. There's no need with how easy it is to do this. There's no need to sit back and wait for Hollywood to find you. You know, it just doesn't make any sense. And that's just not

a way to make a living. You're waiting for some casting director to decide, you know, whether your eyebrows fit this role or not. That, that's, I don't know. It's a complete different game. It's a complete different game. Mike, it's a complete different game. I went to a place today and I know the girls were actress and she works and okay, you know, I'm an old man. I don't expect to go out every week. This girl, not only is she young, she's a fucking knockout. She goes, I haven't been on four months. She told me the agency, they're big time agent. Four months, she hasn't been. To an audition. Yeah. Things aren't what they used to be anymore. You know, they have too many different markets where they're shooting. I don't know. I don't know what

But here's the beauty, right? So is she, what is she doing? And this, this is always my kind of question. Okay. Is she, is she going to the UCB? Is she going to growlings? Is she going to acting classes and doing the right things? Is she doing internet sketches with, with her friends? Is she, is she doing funny or die videos to be seen out there? I mean, there's always something that she, that somebody could be doing, right? Maybe she is and she's just not getting love. But if you really are that talented and, and you really are capable of booking something, it'll come. You just got to put yourself out there. You know, that's the one that I've never, I've never seen anybody that's that funny that hasn't gotten the best. You see what happened

last week? With what? That chick with the fat shaming video. Right. Yes. Okay. Let's throw it out on the table. You know what her mistake was? She didn't have a podcast. If I put that video up next week, nobody would say boo because I'm a fucking fat guy. And what I'm telling, what she was saying, she made great points. I'm not going to say anything to tell you, she didn't make, but the way she did it. So let's say, what do you think? The way she did it, if she would have had a following, that would have went a complete different way if she would have had an internet big time following. I don't know how many hits the video got. Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about. Well, what do you think would have happened if like, because her,

her thing is she's getting, she's making, she's being mean to fat people. Like let's say you were making fun or like it was a racist thing. Do you think it would still be okay? If she did it? And if you did it? Like I'm trying to think of the equal amount of like, it's got to come up. It's got to come up with somewhere. No. So what's she going to do now? Is she going to go on the road from that video? You think somebody called you think fucking no, no, I don't think she's called her and said you were taking it on the fucking road. We're going to get 10% of the hits on you. I haven't actually seen it, but I heard it's not that funny. It's edited. So that's where you lose me. Yeah. When you're a comic, throw that motherfucker at Uncle Joey. Yeah. Me and Lee tape.

I fucked up. We start from scratch. That's why you do comedy. That's why he's not a comedian. Well, they're all comedians. That's what people have. That's what gets under my skin. Not only my comedian, I've done comedy and Buffalo and a bus theater and a bus station in Albany. There used to be a bus station in Albany that Yoder used to fucking book. What? A bus station on like Thursday night by the lockers. You got to go. Give me a couple of minutes. Yeah. Like, where would you do comedy? The bus inside? There was a bar. Okay. And you would spend the night in Albany, like down the corner in the whole fucking craziness. And then you went to Buffalo. And then the guy that used to bug Buffalo was Rob Liedem at the time.

And he had a bar and at the time there was a there was a bar in North Tanawanda that was it wasn't maybe not, but I know that this Rob Liedemann's bar, the comedy places in North Tanawanda. And he would pack it in that, bro. He would pack it in that Mike. I mean, Friday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday with nobody. Yoder people, 800 a week, pack them in 20 at the door, eat pizza. The guy had a scam. Guess what he did the daytime? He was on the radio and Buffalo. So the place is always fucking sold out. He had a free advertisement. Free advertisement. He was the man. Don't forget to come down tonight. He had you on the radio Friday morning and Thursday morning if you came up. But he would, you have to, when you, you guys know, you're from small towns, right? When you go into

a bar and the, and the Celtics are in the game for the playoffs, guess what? Who gets a fuck about a comedian? They'll turn you off. I don't give a fuck of his Jesus. I'm making a comeback with the apostles and they're going to play a song and you're the first one to hear it with the stones. You know, you're from Buffalo. And I remember I had to go up during halftime. It was like, that was what happened. We came in and he was like, listen, guys, I got bad news for you guys. There ain't no show. There's a saber game, my bad. I'm still going to pay you, but do me a favor at halftime. Eat cheese, go up and do 15 minutes. Lee, you have no idea what I learned that night. You have no idea what I learned that night. How was the crowd? Not receptive to comedy.

What are they throwing stuff at you? What were they doing? About two minutes away, Lee. But I'm standing there at the back of the room and going, I'm not sure about this comedy thing. Maybe I should just move to Jersey and do some coke. I'm on the East coast. I should just take the bus to Jersey right now. What year was that? 97. Was it right before you moved here? I was living here already. I was living here already. And I was taking buses from Toronto, Canada, to Buffalo, to Albany, to Syracuse, the club in the fucking hotel. I was there with wise guys and then it became the magician. What the club from the guy, it sank and the magician bought it so he'd open up the club. He was a good magician though. And he gave you a balabaca

when you got to an eight ball nice little place on Saturday. On Saturday the city would lock down. Even subway was closed because it was downtown Syracuse at the time. Nothing was open. It was like going to those commercials and city bank. Hello. Hello out there. Like I am legend. Yeah. That's how it was. Jesus. I went all the way down. Then I would go to like Albany, those small towns. I do Roger Paul's, Rascals, and the other place. They have a one nighter up in Nyak or something or they used to up that way. Then he had a two nighter. Oh, at the bottom of a Hindu hotel. And he got 15% off at the restaurant. It was fucking brutal. What's a Hindu hotel? Just a Hindu hotel. A hotel home by Hindus. And the downstairs just smells like curry.

It's next to a gas station. That's it. That's it. I remember Ralphie went and he broke the bed. He left on a Friday night. Come on, Doug. I took buses. I lived on a Greyhound and went from El Paso all the way up to Toronto and back. And then I would get a Yoda gig, do Wisconsin, Michigan. So this is kind of like the point if you think about it. So you're making what for those gigs? Like how much would you get for a gig like that? $75 a night. $125 if I had a line. $175 if I fucking Happy Russia, Sean, and Judah. So like someone like Mike would get at most 15 bucks. I didn't have an agent to book me in those days. That's what I'm saying. No, and that's the other reason. A lot of comments. They wouldn't make money. Go to Mike and go, Mike, I'm funny. I'm on the road

with fucking Johnny bananas. Okay, so what are we going to do with you? Well, put me on the road for how much? I can't book Eddie Murphy for $3 million at Madison Square Garden on New Year's fucking morning because Billy Joel was doing a night show and then called the funny bone to book Joey Diaz for a $60 a little feature spot. That's $60. Yeah, but they could do it because I was one of those guys. I would beg Richie Super. Come on, Richie, go get me in as a feature. $60. What are you going to do with $60 for four weeks a month? $60. That's $240. What are you going to do with $240? Yeah, it's crazy. You know, it's something that most comedians don't realize. And that's the bottom line at the end of the fucking day. Absolutely. That's the bottom

line. That $1,500. You know, if you don't know, typically like a comedy club will pay the lowest fee though typically goes like $1,500. 12, the funny bones. Five, six years ago, it was off of me. Way before I met my booking manager, I got to call one day for 12 for Wednesday through Sunday. Yeah. And this is a true story. And I bumped into Billy Gardell in a diner in Burbank. And he was kind of bummed down. He said he had to cancel two gigs because they had just called him and cut his money. This is way before Mike and Molly. Yeah. And he goes, they cut his money. What the fuck is going on? I go, listen, I'll do it for 12, but there's no Sunday in your world. And how much budget for a plane ticket? They said, plane tickets included

the 12. I was like, so for 900, I got to fly to your beautiful city and do Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. And I just quit. I said, I'm not doing that. And like three months later, Billy Gardell got Mike and Molly. Now he's opening up a fucking pizza. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Gardell brothers and some shit. That's a thing, right? That's the bottom line. That entry level spot is the most competitive spot in comedy. And that's what most comedians don't realize. And so many people that I talk to, they just go, oh, well, can you just make some phone calls and go in there? And you go, dude, you don't understand that spot. There's so many comedians that want it. There's so many more comics out there that can kill for an hour that can make 1500 to $2,000.

That that's the most competitive spot. And yet you make no money as an agent or a manager or or whoever. And it takes, it actually takes more effort and more work to book that spot than it would to book the spot where $60,000, you know, $60,000 when you're making $6,000 in one pop. And that's why we have to be so selective with who we get behind. And it's very, because it's very difficult. And there's no payout for years. And I would imagine like it doesn't look good for you to, if you're trying to book the $60,000 deal, still also be calling them for the $600 deal. Like you kind of have to. You know, it does if, if, if, if that person's great, you know, if that person is that good, where the club owner is going to go, holy crap, this guy's

unreal. Yeah, that that part does look good. But if you're in the business of trying to get people $1,500 or $2,000 weekends, well, that's the majority of your business. You can't survive. No, because you need like 10 clients constantly out there to make any sort of living. Yeah. That's a lot of fucking work. That's a lot of work. That's a lot of fucking work. 10 guys, 1500, 100, that's 600 a month from each guy, right? Yeah. 600 a fucking month. You got 10 guys. What's that? 6,000. 6,000. So I guess you could do five guys, maybe. By the way, it's, it's also like impossible in those spots. So you're basically asking a club to lose money because you think this guy's that great. But then again, you have Chris Rock. Yes.

So now here's fucking Joe's Crabchak in Bumfield, Mississippi, and you call him to talk to fucking Lee Syat. Who is this Lee Syat guy? Well, he's been on Conan O'Brien. He's been on the sugarless show. He's been on Jimmy Fallon. Yeah, but I don't know who the fuck he is. Does he sell tickets? Listen, let me ask you something. Chris Rock, his schedule just fell out. I might have a week for you in December with Chris Rock. I'll get him bottom right. Do me a favor. Put this Lee Syat in your fucking club. Give him $2,000. It's like, I used to do it to the Chinese guy. You promised him that now you always got Chris Rock. Like, what happened to Chris Rock? He got a movie with fucking Eddie Murphy. I mean, I'll call you next week. And now you're saying it. You just milked

the fucking. I mean, there's a thousand ways to get the guy in. I remember being an expression called the guaranteed feature. When I was in a feature act, somebody came to me once. I'm a guaranteed feature. I go, what's that mean that all the comedy clubs have to pay me 600 a week because Rich Miller said so. So Rich Miller would call other clubs. And that was a good way to get other talent from other areas, you know, but for the most part, you know, let me tell you something, 600 for a feature act today. It's not even that. I won't name the clubs. There's clubs that just pay you for the sets now as a feature. They don't put you up with five sets. $100 a set. That's 500 bucks. Let's say you fucking unless you tip dog through the fucking tulips. How'd you get there?

Even if you drove, you got to knock a do so for that. Now let's pretend you're Lisa. You go on that site. What site do you go on? Let's go to hot water. Hot water. You get a hotel for 30 a fucking night. That's four nights. That's another buck 20. What do you got left with to do comedy? You really got to love doing comedy. Yeah, you could shove CDs and t-shirts, but you're still not the fucking headline. Right. You're still not that work. How many t-shirts are you going to sell for six, seven for the weekend? If you have a CD for five bucks, you'll sell fucking 10 or 15 of those. But then it's like, I got very lucky when I met you because I like that people said like, why don't you start doing this with other comedians? And I think it's very similar with agents.

If they're at a point where they're making money and they're successful, they have that person and that means you have to go with people who have who don't have a following yet and aren't making money. So it's and then for the people who do make the first like the first jump at you, like those first agents, then as soon as you start making money or as soon as as the artist starts making money, they they jump to a bigger agency. But here's the bottom fucking line we say at. Yes. And this is a lot of comics do not realize that Mike will push and he'll stand behind me 100%. I can't do it by myself. He knows for me to keep growing, the other side's got to do the work. But I got to cover my fucking sprint. The first time he has to call me and say, Joey,

I just got to call from fucking bump, fucking Indiana, you're not tweeting the dates. I don't feel like tweeting the dates. Joey, what the fuck? What the fuck? It's not your contract, but it's a gentleman thing. You want to sell tickets? You want to hit you follow me? Right. It's those little fucking things. I have to stay up on my game in today's world. And today's economy with comedy and all the fucking free media that's out there. I don't even know if I'm saying fuck stone, all the free entertainment that because look at my our biggest audience right now, a nine to five people. So how are people going to go on their computer, put this on, put the fucking earplugs on and type letters to communists and fucking listen to this

shit? You know what I'm saying? I mean, that that's basically the fuck it. That's our biggest market. Right. So it's not TV. It's not. No, no, the podcasting is definitely now the biggest draw. I'll tell you before he signs a client, what's their prerequisite right now? And today's fucking, what's the first thing you talk about? Well, the first thing, obviously, you know, how how strong is the hour? And then and then it's okay. Well, what else is there? You know, is it is it the podcast? Is it the social media following? Is it? I mean, I don't see a reason why every comic should not have a podcast. I don't at this point. I don't understand. Yeah. It's a medium for you to take me why why it doesn't make sense to have a podcast. There's only three.

Louie, Kevin and Gabriel. Other than that, I don't I can't think of any big ones that don't. Yes. Maybe Sarah Silverman. I don't know what she does. Sarah does not. But I think a lot of those guys don't have to. They came up in a time that it wasn't necessary. It wasn't necessary. Things work differently for people. And that's different paths and everybody. Listen, the most important thing about this game is the opportunities that it's what you do with it. I have, like I said, I got to open up to Joe. I got to meet a lot of people through fucking Joe. I took advantage of those numbers when they wrote on Twitter. I wrote them back. I would go to Milwaukee with Joe. He'd sell out 2000 seats the next morning. Guess who my phone

called was to I didn't give a fuck what time it was. My agent to say, Hey, I opened for Joe last night and there was 2200 people in there called Milwaukee. The first fucking thing you do today. But I don't understand because there was 2200 people. Even if I fucking get 20%, I got a show. I got a weekend. They're going to pay. Right. Yeah. Okay. That's the fucking mentality. I got there. I got an opportunity and I did my 20 minutes. Kevin Hart was brilliant. That was brilliant. Go on your rating and go and get me whatever. I want to go out there. They're going to put 2000 seats in and a weekend 1600 at an improv. And if you get 50% of that is 800. Now you got something now plus that 800, four more hundred are going to come. So now you got

1200. Now you got a small theater or a great weekend at a fucking comedy club. Now the next time you come, you get another 500 attached to that. Now you got 1800 and five fucking years. That's the patience. And he probably didn't have to give away free tickets after the first year. No, he just told you the fucking story after the first year. First time I saw Cheryl Crowe, they were giving away tickets album dropped. The next time I paid 20 something fucking dollars. Let me give him some shout outs. So we get this guy out of there. He's got to get back on the phone and fucking hustle. Shit, it's fucking Russia. This is when you make calls. There's a real jeweler on the phone. Most jews are at home eating salami right now, waiting for Gabriel to open the

door. No, they'll leave the door open for some fucking spirit. Real jews on the phone. Jehovah, not Gabriel. All right, whatever his fucking name is. Tim Hofer, Jason Brazil, Kevin Zoll, Matthew Oliveris, Gitch from Clifton, Richard Maynard, Andrew Nandiao. You know, I love you, cocksucker. Thank you for going for the doctor. Matty's World, Steve Zo, and DJ Dorr or something, whatever, DJ Ding. I don't know what the fuck your name is. I don't know what you do for a living. You know, I'm not the mood to get into it right now. All right, this weekend, we're in Vegas Saturday night shooting the special. Next weekend, New York City at Gotham's in the week after that, the Toledo fucking funny bone. Go on their website for info and times. Don't be

bothering me with those fucking questions. All right. What, Lee, what's the problem? You don't want to eat this last star? No, I don't. Right now, there's a kid in Africa who flies in the fucking corner. Thirsty as fuck. And if I go over there with this stonetone, you're gonna make it more thirsty. No, I wouldn't. I said, listen, there's a THC killer right now. Would you eat this right now? And I'll bring you a steak in an hour. He would eat this and you're turning this down. This is what I got to deal with. Yeah, but you're not going to bring me a steak in an hour. You always say, what do you want to eat? I don't fucking know. We never go get milkshinks. Because you told me that you're counting your points and God forbid that the wife finds out we're

eating milkshakes and I got to get a fucking year beaten. I don't need the segregation of my life. I'm trying to put shit together here. You are doing a great job with what you do. Thanks, man. I wish I could be more helpful. I'm not sure. Any questions you think that comedians could? Well, even just because Joey always tells me I'm going to be a manager. It's a hard thing to know. We were talking the other day and he said you're going to start contacting people and start presenting yourself, but it's hard to know how to do that and what level of comedian to go for. It's crazy how we're talking earlier, how you don't get a lot of the credit, but it sounds like some managers and agents do guide

careers and it's like a lot to even think about where would I even start. You and I might both know that there's bad agents, great managers, bad managers, but they have managers and agents that have done a great job and given great clients great advice over the fucking years. That's good and bad and there's people who know more than others, more people in the game. A couple years ago, a comedian wasn't doing too well and he thought he'd fucking do some shit and he started doing some shit with some tubes and a microphone and all of a sudden he put them on iTunes and people started paying attention to him a little bit and all of a sudden he went to this fucking big time manager he had and he said, hey, I got this going on. The manager goes,

hey, and he fired the manager and the guy went on to be a big star. My point being that this manager wasn't in tune with the future. The future is upon us and people are not prepared for us. These agencies are really not prepared. SAG doesn't know how to handle the commercials on YouTube. People don't know what's going on. Nobody really knows what's going on. Eventually the ham is going to fucking come down and somebody is going to know what to go on. That's where you come in. You sat here across with me when we were getting 300 downloads on this day with no sponsors. You sat there across with me when we shot a documentary. You sat there now. We're going to do a special. We've done videos together. This is what the involvement is. You could go to a

comedian and go, this is what I've done right now. This is what you, let me get a water over there. You got me over here fucking like a swami. But that's another thing I've been thinking about, though. And that's another when I, when I talk to people, ask me questions about podcasts. I think a big reason that we've had success together is because we've done all that and because for the first two months we hung out, we didn't even do it. We just hung out. That's not only, I don't know if that's possible if you want to have a group of clients. I think if you're looking at a comic and you're thinking of giving him the keys to the kingdom, showing him a way to become something, but there's also a bargain to that. He's got to keep writing. He's

got to send emails. He's got to take pictures. He's got to send that fucking yarmulke. He's got to cover all his bases. Eventually he'll find his knack, what avenues to work and both of these work together. It's not like you could change somebody's life right now because they're going to want to call you in the morning and go, so what video do I shoot today? What am I doing today? You got to go, well, you put up a video two weeks ago, let that get 300 more hits, then we'll get you. Follow me. There's a lot of little things that people do not know strategies. And right now when you sign a client, when you go to Montreal and you see a client, they're 26, you know what, man? I could see this fucking guy and that fucking Gotham city. He's got to

fuck the buy. I know one of the writers and he told me, you know what, let me talk to, let me just see who talks to him first. You sit down on something, blah, blah, blah goes, blah, blah, blah, blah goes. And finally you go over there creeping like a savage and you blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah and then you talk and but right on the spot, before you go out, go up to him, you have to have a plan of what your plan is. Listen, I know Dickie Wilkins. He's one of the head writers on Gotham. He's looking for a character like you. Well, we get together on Tuesday for lunch. As a matter of fact, if he's smart, the agent, he doesn't really want to sign him. He sees something that nobody else sees. He heard that CBS is doing something with creepy

people. This guy was kind of creepy. This Joey Diaz guy. Let me see if we get him in the cemetery show, whatever the fuck. This is before six feet under. You were at lunch with some fucking shlup and he says they're doing a show about creepy people on cemeteries. You signed this kid. I saw it done with something in this town. I saw a fucking guy going to Montreal sign this black kid. Black kid was shy. If maybe this is 1998. If maybe the kid had six minutes of material. That's all he had. He took him to a popular club, shot the six minutes, took him to CBS, got him a deal, blah, blah, blah. Put dreads in his head. The kid shot steroids. One day I'm watching USA. There he is. The sidekick at the Anthony Michael Hall. I'm one of those fucking

shows. Guy did 18 years in the sitcom. He's back in the Bahamas. He took the dreads off. He's back in fucking Chicago, counting fucking dollar bills. He had a plan. Maybe this is a question for Mike then, but as an agent or a manager to know what the plan has, because not every comedians are the weirdest people in the world. Joey's not like Steve Simone and Steve Simone's not like Ari and to know where to guide them. If I try to go to another comedian and do what Joey and I have done, it might work, but it might not fit their personality just right and fails. What I've been thinking about is that you really have to get with somebody and go out with them for two months and hang out with them and just know them.

At the end of the day, you know what Mike's job is in today's society and today's is to pour gasoline on a little fire. For example, whoever did the job at Ari Shafir, they poured gasoline on a little fire. They started with a storyteller show and the fire spread like what's going on in Fresno right now. I'm not making fun of nobody. I'm just telling you the truth. They started with a cell. Ari is a terrorist. It started with a fucking storyteller show for $5 in the back room. Ari hadn't done a fucking commercial in 22 fucking years. His commercial career was done. He knew it. He was always out of town. I don't know. I don't want to go down to 200 South Lebray. Ari, there's a nice sandwich shop across the street. I don't know. I'm

tired. I was at the store till 4 in the morning last night. I'm blowing it off. Fuck it. I'm not even calling off and shit. He said he was walking to our dishes. Look at the date and he was going to be out of town for the callback. Fuck it. I'm not going in there. You know, go in there, book it. Don't change the dates. Don't work something. But he's had an idea and it was just so now his agent had to go in there and just put a little dropper to gasoline on it and then spread more. Keep spreading gasoline and hopefully that fucking ignite will get over there. That was Ari Shafir. We all saw it happen in front of our fucking eyes. We saw the show go from the fucking improv dungeon. They didn't even sell serve alcohol back there to Thursday nights at 11 o'clock

on Comedy Central and it got good numbers. They wouldn't be shooting season fucking two right now. Nobody won't smoke up nobody's fucking ass. It wasn't like, oh, well, what do you think? Should we vote on Ari? I mean, that's going to get drunk and throw dice against the wall. No. So it was a great fucking idea. They flamed a little firely. Yes, I do believe you should start a personal relationship with him for two or three months and get to know this person. You're about to invest a bunch of fucking time. Once Mike signs you, you got to get on the phone and start licking stamps and calling people and now I got to send him Joey. Did I tell you I fucking made it to number one in Canada on iTunes? Email me that please. Yeah, that relationship really

matters. And I think, you know, we, you just, you just got to like figure it out. You know, that's the beauty of it. The same way you do this, right? You got together with somebody, you kind of brainstorm, you failed a bunch of times, you figure, oh, this is how to not do this anymore. Okay, great. Now we can figure out how to do it. And it's just years and years of just putting in the time, but, but not, you know, on a Saturday, you're spending four hours with them trying to figure it out instead of watching TV. You know, I mean, those are the kind of things that, that, that will make you, I don't know, end up building, being able to figure out what those moves are. And look, no one has all the answers. It's just, it's a matter of

experience, right? It's a matter of failing a ton. I mean, you could go out with your relationship right now, you could go out and run, you know, take over a night on a Tuesday in North Hollywood, Big Wangs, and tell them to do a comedy night. And you could put seven comics up there, and you could see who kills it. And, and you could promote it on the podcast, and you could probably sell it out every single night. You could have the hottest room in LA. And then you could build a podcast, you know, area based off of that, you could build a little network based off, okay, who kills on my Tuesday night show? Great, I'm going to do that. I'm going to get that guy's own podcast and, and build it from there. And you could have your own

little manager company based out of the valley that could be very, very successful, doing nothing really different than what you're doing right now. And it's just a matter of you doing it versus talking about it. I mean, that's, that's really the difference. Okay, so well, first of all, you might be a genius, Mike, but okay. So if I, the, the comedians I get to meet are usually meeting a higher level. Yes. If I invite them to my show, they might do it, but I can't, I'm not going to convince them come to the flying to your management colleague. It's, so it would have to be the smaller comics. Like that's just, First of all, you're a Jew. You're showing up with a number. You're showing up with somebody

already in your fucking pocket. There's a lot of people that don't want to work, man. There's a lot of people that, that's the other hand. Totally. Okay. They don't want to show, you know, the people you've said, we've discussed this where he was 20 minutes late again, the third week in a row. He doesn't really want to do a fucking podcast. This is something else to him. You know, we put time into this. We discuss it. We call each other. I torment you. I ask you stupid questions. We get high together. Sorry. That's a really good, I'm just thinking about your ideas for those. It's a great idea. Yeah. Thank you. You should also start a podcast to teach people how to podcast. I mean, look at all this equipment stuff in here is amazing.

And to the trial and error that you've gone through, it could save people tons and tons of time. I've been doing the consulting, but then I'm trying to do, I was thinking of doing a paid course, but yeah, maybe I'll just do a free one. I would just do a free, I mean, and do it as a podcast and you're a smart man. That's why he's sitting where he's at. That's why he never signed me as an agent. He's a smart man. We always kept a friendly relationship. I call him up when I'm in a bind or I got a question. That's why he's on the podcast because I always, I know there's comics sitting at home going, what's my next move? There's a ton of comics. I bump onto on the road to the fucking hilarious. They're fucking hilarious. They got it. They're

onto something. You could tell you've been there. You know what it's like when you're clicking, you're giving the headliner a little trouble. People are clapping for you a certain way and they're stuck. They're scared. They ask you, what do, when I move to LA, what happens? And some people come out, man, go to the store, do three sets and three arts is there or ICM is there or innovative is there, whatever the fuck is there. And there's other people who go to the fucking coloring book and they bang it out from fucking day one. That's just all it really is. You know, it's not given up, but the funny thing is that everybody gets an agent and thinks their day is made. They don't think that's where the work starts. When I first signed with SBV, I would

only bring them eight headshots at a time. They would submit those eight headshots every week. They would ask me, why do you fucking bring us headshots instead of bringing us a bunch? I'd say because I'm not doing nothing with my day. And I want you to remember me every fucking week. Every week I'd walk into SBV into the things. There was a box that said Joey Coco Diaz and I put eight headshots leave and I come back every Monday. Second thing I did every fucking Monday. And from there, I went to the coloring book and talked to them for 20 minutes about whatever the hot movie was or whatever. I didn't give a fuck. I didn't want them to ever forget me. Then I hooked up with Pablo Francisco for a weekend and he told me, you're doing it all wrong.

You got to take your agent to a strip club and then I'll offer him some coke and get him all invested and fucked up. That's how you get him to work for you. And I'm like, I don't know about that one. I don't like fucking strip clubs. I got to walk in there with a fucking God. He could be a part time fucking racist or rapist, whatever the fuck he is. A racist rapist. I swear to God. I had an agent, a theatrical agent that I would sell a pound a week once a month because he was selling weed. But on the weekends, he would rent himself out and go to these little city towns and do talent pageants and then fuck the 18 year olds and come back and

show me the pictures. This guy was an agent with the suit, the whole fucking thing. I mean, it was just, Lee, okay? You're into Zomboville. Let's do the fucking sponsors and we'll get the fuck out of here. September 14th, 2015. Two more days. It's the 33rd anniversary when I robbed the jewelry store. I always light a candle like that. I was thinking about that. I knew it was a fucked up. You light a candle for the jewelry store? Sure. For everybody involved. You never know. You never think of calling them up and apologizing? No, just talking to them.

It's like, like the jewelry, like it's been 33 years. I still got some chains. Look at Lee cracking funny shit. I'm just sending him pictures of it. Lee, look at Lee cracking funny shit tonight, ladies and gentlemen of the month. And I don't need this aggravation. Listen, you're thinking of quitting smoking wherever you're allowed to hang out. You can't smoke or you could smoke an e-sig. Stop the fucking horizon right now. Hey, these sigs, what's the matter, Lee?

Hey, these sigs are the best e-sig out there in the market right now. 1200 guaranteed motherfucking pups. You're not going to get that for fucking what you got at these little stores and shit like this. And it tastes tremendous. If you're thinking of quitting, they got them in 24, 16, and eight milligrams. And the cigar is just a fucking cigar. The beauty about this thing is I've had this for like fucking two months. Are you kidding me or what? It's like smoking a motherfucking coheben, blowing smoke in their face and shit. Anyway, go to Hittie's SIG right now. They got a special deal. What's the deal, Lee? Five for Chinquenta for $50 fucking dollars,

$10 apiece, 1200 guaranteed pups. You'll be smoking e-sigarettes for the rest of the fucking year in the beginning of 2016. Go to Hittie'sSIGs.com right now and press in. Press in well, Lee. Lee, press in well. Joey's Church. Joey's Church and get five for 50 beans. All right. Number two, you know who I love on it. Staying on it. Again, shroom type today. Lee didn't want to take his. I took mine. I asked you if you wanted some shroom type. You told me no, you were scared. Your little fat heart was beating. The ghee was making you hot and shit. He almost died. He almost died. Anyway, go down because you didn't take the shroom type. Anyway, go to honet.com right now

and look at the great selection of products they have from AlfaBrain, the complete earth grown, new tropic to the tea raiser, the testosterone powder, to the MCTO. I'm sorry, I'm on the loss of words tonight, but let's do me a favor. Stop fucking around and I'll stop fucking around. Go to honet.com right now. Go look at the great selection of products they have. Read up. Read up. I guarantee it's going to blow your mind. My favorite is the hemp protein, the cocoa, fucking tremendous, 16 grams of scoop, two scoops, 32 grams is what the body assimilates. Forget about it. You throw a fucking banana in there, some coconut milk, who's better than you? Stop it. Go to honet.com right now and check out all the great selection

of products. Pick one, anyone and start your life living correctly. They even got blenders, they got everything. I can only get you 10% off on the supplements. I can't do them for you on the weights and all the other stuff. So go to honet.com right now and press in. Church. Boom, there you go. And get 10% off your first daughter, Tom, Uncle Joey sent you. And also my main motherfuckers, my cousins from Western New York, New Jersey, naileditlife.com. If you smoke vapor pens, they got the premier vapor pen on the motherfucking market. Go to naileditlife.com right now. They got a great selection. They always have the gummies and monos available only in California. So don't break my balls, guys. They don't ship.

They're not going to send them to you because you listen to the show. They don't give a Frenchman's fuck. Go to those gummies and monos right now. Naileditlife.com for you. The gummies and monos or what else? They got the little chocolate, those cotta bars that are fucking delicious. I put 10 pounds on that weekend. I ate two of them. Delicious. Anyway, go to naileditlife.com right now and press in. Joey Diaz. Boom. And get 20% off your vapor pen. Lifetime guarantee, something fucks up. You call my man Peter. Boom. He gets a ship to you overnight. No fucking around. Big shout out to honet. Hittiesix.com, Naileditlife, my main man, Mike, for coming out. Lee Syat, you're a beautiful man. Thank you, buddy. Don't forget this Saturday night,

I'm taping the special. I'll be there Friday too on Sunday if you don't want to hang out, if you want to come out. Leo B there, eating some anarchy edible, some stars of death. Next week I'm in NYC and the week after that, I'm in Toledo, Ohio at the funny bone. All right. Got this taken shape, right? I won't be. Listen, that's your fucking stuff. You're going to be at this taken shape. I'm not going to go to fucking take a shake. No, I don't go to, I can't go no more because I got to watch my fucking thing. I see you at the hot dog cart. Fuck. Stop it. Why are you throwing me under the bus? You know, I walk past that thing like a fucking, like a victim walking past the police station. Anyway, I love you guys. Don't forget about me,

Mike. Thank you for stopping by. You know, we had to do it this way because that's the way things are. He's a good man. I want him just to come on and simplify things for people. Thanks, guys. That's it. Thanks, guys. That's it. That's it. That's all you got for your uncle, Joey. Don't contact me. Yeah, I wish I had, you know, I'm not, I'm not a comedian, obviously, but I think it's great. You know, the lack of, the lack of, you know, what's the way I put it? I think there's a million books on how to make it a music business and how to write a script and how to do this. There's really no information for comedians. And it's a shame because so much time is wasted away from, you know, writing or performing, you know, spent on sending fucking submissions to

agencies and going out and getting headshots and doing all this stuff that doesn't matter. I went to a show the other day and it was an awful, awful show. And the last 10 minutes of the show, after his clothes, or he stands up there and the guy goes, look, the only way I'm going to be able to get an agent or a manager is if I get a, you know, a larger social media following. They tell me this. This is what, you know, people are telling me in like Comedy Central, all these guys, and this is a whole 10 minute thing after his set. He stands on stage, doesn't walk off, doesn't do anything. There's this whole, you know, plays the victim and everyone, oh, I need to do this. So if everybody can just pull out their phone right now and follow me on Twitter, it would

really help me, you know, move along. And Joey, I just, it was just like, oh, I wish somebody could talk to this guy and go, dude, you're wasting your time. You know, focus on what matters. Focus on being very, very funny. And then people will find you. Yeah. You know, Ari, speaking of Ari, Ari has an amazing speech that he gives to young comedians that's on YouTube. Google Ari Shafir Comedy Store. He goes in the comedy store and just talks about it. And, you know, they make things that he talks about constantly right and just be in the scene. You got to be in LA or New York. You got to be just hanging out Wednesday nights, the big industry show at the improv. Just be there. Be there every Wednesday and people will recognize you and they'll

see you and become friends with them and you'll get to know some agents, you'll get to know some managers, people get to know you and things will happen. Things will change, you know. So I hope that was helpful. Any other questions or anything that you have? Let me know. I'm here. Lee's going to start, Lee's going to start his management company next week. His weekly show, Big Wings. He'll be the hottest show in LA. Gentlemen, thank you so much. Thank you very much. Appreciate it. Some questions, brother. Of course. What song we in then what? Get it together. I don't know. Woodoo Child by Jimi Hendrix. What the fuck? He's slipping. You should have known this. You didn't tell me till right now. I told you 10 minutes ago that it was

Woodoo Child. You didn't hear what I was saying. The fuck do you think I'm doing here? That one was taken down. The good one from the album. Don't fuck around with lives and remakes. And last time you put on like a cover band, I almost fell off my chair. You blew my doors off. Where is it, Lee? Come on. I'm looking for the album version. What are you looking for? It's all live. It can't be all live. There's got to be something on that. You know, be a fuck on me, Lee. Say I put studio in that. I did that. Bam. There you go. Oh, no, this is live, goddammit. That's all right. Play it live, Lee. We'll be awake, man. Okay. Just find something, all right. Fuck it. Yeah, put the volume on a lot. Well, I have to read the answer. Put the volume on. Put some music out for these people. Save

these poor people from boredom. Oh, Jesus Christ. We had a request to do a thing called along the watchtower, but I forgot the words. See, there's no. You fucked up when you hit one of the wrong buttons by mistake again. No, they're all live, dude. I put on a whole lot of love. How's that? My Led Zeppelin. What the fuck? Why are there were some Led Zeppelin? Thank you, Mike. Monday, September 14th. We want me to tell you, you know what I'm saying? Look what I got on. I got the morning joint shirt. Oh, shit. Are they at joeideas.net yet? Not yet. Couple fucking days. We're just doing a couple of demos just to let motherfuckers know. My friend got out of jail. He robbed a printer. We're back. Yeah, put the music on and he'll get me in. Oh, shit. There you go,

Cocksuckers. I want to thank you guys for watching. Thank you for all the support, Leeds. I had thanks shit. Mike Young, the cover agent, thanks shit. Come on here, Cocksuckers. Love you. Stay black. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Yeah. You've been drooling, baby, I've been drooling All of your time, baby, I've been misusing I'm way, way down inside, I'm gonna get you my love

I'm gonna give you everything, my love, I'm gonna give you my love Yeah, all the time, yeah Way down inside, warm up, you need Yeah Shake for me, girl, I wanna be your back door man Hey, oh! Hey, hey! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh oh