Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #318 - Felipe Esparza and Rodrigo Torres

Episode Date: September 17, 2015

Felipe Esparza, Comedian and Winner of "Last Comic Standing" and Rodrigo Torres, Comedian and co-host of the "What's Up Fool?" Podcast along with Felipe Esparza both join Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio.   This podcast is brought to you by:     Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   
NatureBox. Visit naturebox.com/joey and check out all of their great snacks   MeUndies.com Go to meundies.com/joey for 20% off.   Recorded live on 09/16/2015.
   Music:
 I'll Never Go Back To Georgia - Joe Cuba I'm Gonna Folow You  Pat Benatar

You're gonna start this thing some time this fucking year. We just have to start recording This show is sponsored by nature box nature box ships great tasting healthy snacks right to your door Forget the vending machine and start snacking smarter I'm doing good right now. Not you. I'm still laughing at that fucking potion That fucking horror drink One time I'm obeyed butter Fucking celery what you say spinach no spinach almond butter seven days You gotta stop what is

You want to be the blue door what I don't give a fuck about Pluto. How you eat fucking Spinach like that a blender with a banana, that's not delicious, dude. I'm telling you you get a try it The flashback you can't even taste the spinach that's the bone after with the other shit that's in there You got can't taste nothing. You don't want to taste it. You said they're gonna. Why am I drinking this for breakfast? You know what? Yeah, you had me you had me with the seven ice cubes with us almond milk almond milk almond butter 78 Then your banana fucking dates. Why the dates in that dates don't do nothing. No sweeten it up, right? Oh, I said them in It's he let go to Chata. Yeah, that's how they sell it to him

Back in ten minutes later fucking with spinach drinks coming out of your asshole. You're gonna read the fucking sponsors You know what else is good what the statue over here, you know, oh, I'll go cue in your head Please I'm a crazy. Yeah, I'm not even the one who's in trouble Forget the vending machine and start snacking smarter with healthy and delicious treats like dark cocoa almonds Go to nature box comm slash Joey right now to unbox a world of taste and possibility go to nature Go to nature box comm slash Joey for your first box of beyond tasty hand-picked snacks send direct to your doorstep Leave me like I ain't leaving that vending machine though

You read me on these and I'm not yeah, I'm doing it right now. You're still on fucking nature box. Yeah, you fucking come on 22 fucking minutes 21 minutes go to me on these comm slash Joey and get 20% off of your first order of all the great men's and women's underwear T-shirt socks wet pants sweat shirts Go to me on these comm slash Joey and they're gonna give you 20% off of your first order with free shipping in the United States and Canada and Go to on it comm use code word church to get 10% off all the great optimization products like Alphabrain strongbow new mood Shroom tech immune shroom tech sport code word church to get 10% off Oh

We ain't going at what Spanish people stop whistling it's all over kick that Lee Kick it leave the music. Not you you fuck kick it. Oh shit Oh shit The church motherfuckers September 16th 2015 Kicking it Mexican and spend the independence day, right? Yeah Oh shit

I never go back to Georgia Fucking tremendous these Puerto Ricans tremendous go back to Joe Cuba drop the but bleak keep fucking playing after the rhythm Are you kidding me or what have these fucking months are probably going to sleep? Take that motherfucker Lee Are you fucking kidding me? Can you imagine having these Puerto Ricans the next story and they do rehearsal on Tuesday nights? They're frying bananas. You just sit in your room like a fucking bumpy talking to your mother Her name is Louise. She's boring you to pieces and also these fucking spits the next door listen to this shit What are you gonna do you stab your mother and put her under the fucking couch like Jeffrey down?

But so fuck you you bore me to pieces you fucking bitch. I'm going next door with this space I don't give a hell. Yeah, something good is coming out of that fucking door knob I'll be able to plate because when this shit was playing this is 1960 late 60s early 70s People still in Manhattan the Irish the Italian the Jewish they weren't fucking cool with these people Also, they showed up in bongo drums and shit. They know how to fucking act. What's going on Felipe? What's up for chilly? Smiley tonight Silent Bob is here the original Rodrigo Torres. Hell. Yeah family member turning the future

Just came back from Mexico. Oh, yeah, what you dog eating scorpions over there You see cartels at all there were the place where I met was at a soccer takeout that's in the middle right next to Halle school and Chappals people have been moving in there for like the last year taking out the set us they were there before they're actually bothering people Extorting people and then moving their shit But uh, nah, they don't fuck with you. You don't fuck with them That shit's all like if you you know, I mean if you ain't watching money if you ain't in bed with them You don't have nothing to worry about. What did you go back? What did you go for not bad?

There's seven days. I want to go on my cousin got married Like my cousin Paula's mom won't go back unless it's to like she'll never go back to Georgia She never go back to Georgia. Oh, she won't go back to Tijuana Well, she'll go back to like see a visitor son briefly, but like she won't go anywhere else. She's scared Of that all that bullshit going on. Yeah, like it's more hype than anything But if you don't go back there, you are looking susceptible that meant Changes and her like Paula's aunt comes and she still lives in Mexico and she said like Down there like mom's hope that their daughter's married drug dealers

Like it's like the what makes the most money and even though it's dangerous like that's what she said I don't know if that's true being poor dog It's either if you're in politics there or that shit or if you like mad business people and the biggest industrial places in Mexico's Mexico City Monterey and fucking up well, uh, you know, it's real interesting if you the border towns You bump into fucking people now and get into a conversation Within the first eight minutes Darko's comes up It's all fucking everybody's talking about right now. It's it's weird that as I mean, I'm gonna watch it again, you know, I'm gonna watch it all. Are you really?

Interesting. Yeah, you gotta watch it twice. I'm watching it. I'm watching it right now Yeah, you're watching it and it's pretty interesting episode. Um, what it did what it did, you know, everybody talks about Bruce Lee Did I had the you know people talk about Elvis? Yeah, I heard uh, I heard a fucking Elvis song We could go on the radio dog. I had a pullover I'm serious by Bank of America had a pullover to the right and like pick myself up in the car. It hit you hard What the fuck was just a regular stupid Elvis song? You know people that lived to see it in the beginning. Yeah Can you imagine being around when Elvis came on you got to see that?

You know, I don't understand that I don't understand how we were a little younger We didn't see the Beatles in Shea Stadium There was how many people there to welcome the Beatles and people were fainting I've been around a thousand people. I never saw nobody fainting But in the 60s people were fainting yell and you know, we weren't around to see that so we don't know that feeling Bro, I was there to see Bruce Lee I was very fortunate to be in a room with 10 little boys We're just out of a shower in a Catholic school and we got to sit around with another watch TV at night

And all of a sudden the commercial for Chinese connection came on and there was silence Silent he sucked the energy out of the room like he was doing the green hornet You know, there was a Chinese guy in a green hornet and his name was Kato and he threw kicks now It was completely different So I got to live it and then he died I got to see how it changed the country in your lifetime you guys have That fortune to see things how it happened. We're seeing this weed revolution You grew up in Los Angeles 15 years 20 years ago They bust you down and fucking wherever you're from Pico Dorei whether the fuck people guard is Boyle Heights Boyle Heights

One joint you're done fucker. Do you understand you'll be done, right? So now you've seen it you've seen the weed stores to me. It was very far I remember and I tell people this all the time, bro I was there with Felipe we were 15 and we would take little hits of masculine Giggle and smoke pot and hook up with the gargualo brothers on 76th Street And then we'd crush the masculine up and smoke it and at the end of the night you and I came home And you'd say Coco, what'd you spend six dollars? We bought us we split a 12 pack of nips There were four something two dollars a piece and it was three for the hit of masculine

Everybody in this country was set on masculine and a little reef and a little fucking beard And all of a sudden some kid called you into a room and said come here for a second You ever do this, bro? What is it? It's cocaine What are you gonna do to smell it? It's a powder, bro. It's amazing. You could fuck for hours If you play basketball, you could slam dunk In fact, when you jump off the basket, then also now I'm like a hundred dollars I got a hundred fucking dollars

And all of a sudden I saw the evolution also I seen it hit I seen black people running around Harlem with no shoes on Looking for crack, you know, then you saw the crack epidemic Yeah, you were holding up to see and live through so now you're seeing it from the back end Oh, that's where it comes from That's where it comes from it started in fucking Chile and the cockroach Didn't die and he made it to columbia and he sold the packets to fucking eskibar And eskibar figured out how to fucking move it across the board and not one kilo

60 kilos and then ton and 20 kilos and then you know next thing you know, what were they moving 2000 And you can't when you see these statistics, you can't really believe this like if you look at this Okay, so they were getting they were smuggling a ton is 2000 pounds Right, so they were saying they were smuggling what a month into the united states Two metric tons two metric tons. I used to get so coked up and now I'm making a confession to everybody here Well, I oh during my addiction the 30 year addiction. I went through different phases I went through the mathematical joey deas There's a mathematical joey deas that would get coked up and start figuring out if he had a kilo

And he cut it with 20 ounces How much he would make and how much if he distributed and then I swear to god Then I became the musical joey deas Where I started taking out encyclopedias and looking at the history of music bands and what if earthmen and fire got together with Casey and the sunshine band, you know what I'm saying? Like who would be the bass player? What are you talking about? You have no fucking idea what I'm talking about. Okay That's the waste of time and then I got into the into the what was the other joey deas There was like six different joey deas. Oh, you have no idea whenever I got that cocaine

It was another mind fuck I wanted to be alone because I wanted to get a piece of paper and pad And I'd become philosophical joey deas and try to write like ben franklin quotes Fucking terrible, but you go through all these dumb Things with coke, you know, like you get the paranoia when I first did coke. Nobody got paranoid Nobody people did coke and little giggles. What's up, dog? I love you. They tell you long stories and shit for hours You got to sit there make believe and shit, you know, and then all some people like hold on one second. You hear that And also people come over and fuck up your whole party because they hear voices. Yeah, let me look out the window

All of a sudden you're like, let me look out there. I mean everybody's looking out the fucking window everybody's gotta go My father neighbor's seeing fucking doors going back and forth people coming in and out people coming in and out But it's really interesting to see this narco show Because it shows you their perspective of they were how they were attacking us, but okay Well, they said at the end they were making 65 million a day like more than gm Like not more than 65 million more, but see more than gma 65 million dollars a day A day 60 million a day guys And who's the number one fucking exporter of that?

We are We are he doesn't sell that to a pharmacy. No, he didn't sell that to rouse At wholesale or he didn't go to cvs. He sold that to fucking people who were gonna move that if you figure that out Into what we were snorting in the beginning you be how much how crazy we went So here's the only question I had about the show They fly it over to miami, right? Yeah is is he

Uh, does he run the dealers or does he is he's just a wholesaler? He's a wholesale. So he makes his money immediately. It doesn't matter what happens His job if you figure that was to get the grandma coke lower than what it was He was getting a he was getting a grand for what he said six dollars nine dollars. He said, um, Ten dollars and then that guy he asked him coca racha How much would this cousin miami? And then he said 100 100 90 profit

Per gram per gram. So I know he cut it. I know he had like a flat price on kilos And then what carlos laid dead that did was transportation So carlos laid there probably got 300 a kilo and you say 300 that's it. Yeah If I'm moving 10 million fucking kilos a day 300 dollars adds up. Hell, yeah, you know, but it's amazing how all that shit was going down like for a long time When I was in colorado, they kept finding dead bears And they would find dead bears and 10 feet away They'd find a duffel bag that had been broken into and half eaten of cocaine

So the planes would drop the duffel bags the bears would think it was food Eat it fucking get a heart attack Stumble around die from a heart attack and then the coke would be this true stories. That's some tweaking ass bear Hey there It's just amazing when you figure the amount that we were doing The amount of the united states it just fucking yogi united states So how much do you think so like they bought it for 65 million bucks right a day in america of coke? Let's just say How much did they sell that for?

double Triple quadruples depending on how they break that shit down There was a guy that when I was growing up. He used to give me like an ounce of crack cocaine For um 700 dollars. What year was this? It was 1989 88 sure Like a full brock like a big rock that time cocaine had bottomed out. Yeah in 84 it went from being 1800 an ounce and 80 for 1800 That means you had to throw 10 grams of cut on it To make a thousand bucks. So how much so how much was how many grams in an ounce?

Uh, 28 grams So it should have been 2800 and how much did you pay for it 18? So you made a thousand bucks off the bat And then you could cut it you could put like seven grams on that and you can make that Into another hundred bucks as a dealer and you could go out Dog dealing blow is not a bad job if you have it down Don't giggle. I know people have been dealing blow Since I was in high school. They're still dealing blow in new jersey

They just do it, right? Well, it's lucrative, but I don't know if you can call a good job I mean, they're not bad people, but it can't it's not a good job. I know my buddy I've never asked him, but I've done the math in my head. He probably makes a hundred to one thousand a year He goes out four nights a week. He goes to the same bar He dropped off the same stupid packages and he goes home By this time he doesn't take any wild chances He probably gets on the jersey side from some mexicans over there to dirt cheap, you know I don't know. Maybe this is the me watching too many tv and movies, but

If i'm going to be selling coke and only getting 200 like 200 grand Like it just seems like anything can happen at any time to you have no idea You have no idea what I'm talking about with 200 grand This guy's not my creepy corner with a long jacket with sunglasses on all day Right, he's got established customers that are garbage men That on thursdays they get paid And they want an eight ball of blood to get that dick sucked at the local bar in new jersey Right, but if you're gonna like so you take two ounces

You could sell two ounces on a thursday night on paid day and he fucking said the usa In grams, you're not gonna do nothing. You just go into a bar You go into a bar you put baggies you get the grams you get out of your car and you throw it by the tree You go into a bar people see you you go into the bathroom you give a couple bumps driving crazy And then let the oil just stack in you have a helper that gets the blow fee and gives it to you And next thing you know your home by 10 o'clock you shut your phone on People nobody knows where you live That's a dealer i'm talking about that guy is smarter than shit

Let's say he lives in studio city, right he sells coke in culver city or in wittier He goes to two bars in wittier. I know i get that it's safer and stuff, but Like that's why they pay that's why like drug dealers make more money like because they have you have to put up with all that So like if i'm gonna be a drug dealer i'm gonna want to make Like it doesn't seem like like you can make a hundred thousand Not easily but easier than drug dealing

All right, let's say i got arrested for the whole thing i went down when i got out of jail For months i sold coke For months i sold coke all the way to 19 fucking 99 here i would put together deals I'd be at the comedy store somebody calls me i want to grab a blow somebody else wants to know the gram of blood It's 200 i pay 125 for an eight. So why aren't you doing it in some because what the fuck am i gonna do it for? I don't do it. I don't want to touch that shit. Yeah, but if it's a good job I don't want to touch it if you have to do it. It's a husband move it You have to do it to move it you have to want to go out and have a drink at a bar

Nobody buys a coke at a fucking library. So at night you got to go to the federal Let's say you can't go to joe's joe and blow with black people throwing darts and black music You go to the federal it's a nice white bar right over here on Lancashire, correct with a rainbow room, right? You walk the fuck in there you go to a bar People know who the fuck you are the people are waiting for you three four people Right when you go to a bar unless you're a fucking yuppie you give the guy a credit card Hi, can I live again? Most people go in that wallet and put a 50 on the fucking bar and they sit there

Drug dealer comes in sits fucking next to you correct the moondo. Okay when you order a beer What's the guy do? He puts the fucking beer on an apple Okay, right He sits next to you. I buy it. Okay. He sits next to you. He says hey, how you doing? You see that 50 that he's got for his drink You got another drink and you take that 50 you put it in your pocket And this pocket you got your coke you take this out of your thing you take this fucking napkin You put it in here you throw on the floor and you walk out of the fucking bar

You just did a drug deal white people looking for fucking you going into the bathroom and acting all creepy I just sold you an eight ball of coke and nobody saw it That's how fast it happened sitting right next to you And every fucking bar in america you think so and that guy that's been doing it that way He's been doing it that way for 20 fucking years. He's got a wife and he's got two kids And he leaves his house two nights a fucking week because he knows his customers and he knows he's paid that He doesn't give a fuck about monday tuesday wednesday and thursday because they're light nights. This guy's been selling He's 50 years old

But how does how long does it take to build with that kind of clientele 20 years 20 years? So yeah, but aren't aren't you making dangerous mistakes for those 20 years because you've already done your time They already busted you with a kilo now you got out and you know how to sell coke the right way There's a wrong way lee and there's a right way you could go up Yeah, well your chain's hanging out here. Look you want a drink. I'm here with some ugly filipina chick with fake tits Buying drinks and everybody's looking at you. That's the amateur way to sell coke Or you could sell coke like a thief in the night. I didn't know that when I was 21 When I was 21, I was the guy that showed up with four gorillas

And the hot chick with the fake tits or everybody was looking at us and they you're trying to sell blow After listen unless you're a fucking unless you got autism You know, how long is it taking to know if somebody's doing blow for leaping? What do they do they go to the bathroom three or four time you follow they're hugging each other They're doing shots. You're not a fucking idiot deciding deals But then there's that guy that comes in by himself He hasn't had a drink You know, he doesn't have a suit on no rings. No jewelry download style and he says hey guys

How you doing and you just and he's watching the game the whole time And while he turns around he comes up puts his back against mine and says, did you bring that for me? Yeah Put your money on the bar. That's it. We do this every fucking week. There's a guy like that in every neighborhood And you know what? The cops know about them You think so Yeah, that's what they go fucking shove for information when she goes down Listen, they want the guy that comes in is making noises

They want the four brown Mexicans the short ones the further shooting that sit at the end of the bar and those little what you ever go to a bar somewhere It's a white ball and you're sitting in awesome three little creepy brown Mexicans Sit in the corner one of them has a Mexican hat That's the one from here as they're drinking and they're fucking jumping up and down. Lee you paying attention to it So you just look at the fucking screen you shimmed down. I'm listening. I'm listening. Okay, so this is what this is the drug deal of that They make attention, but there's some simple white dudes, bro

They took a big water money before they give you the dope Yeah, I had a guy in houston that was sold me coke for 10 years Every time I went to houston. He was there Same guy in new york whenever I would go to new york same guy in las vegas I had the same guy all those years on the road and they're still there When I go to those towns now, they're still there. They'll probably tell you they don't do it no more But they'll tell you they can get it for you You know I'm saying dealers are dealers. I knew a guy in hollywood that I would call

And he will show up in his little Family size little jeep shirriki and he'll park in the side He looked like a regular dad and he'll take out a sewing kit box and he had all the drugs inside. He had a bike kid in he had Axie cold in he had he had coke and I would just buy it from him and then it was easy easy transaction I would meet him somewhere telling me I'll call him at two in the morning He'll meet me right there and then we'll just take off She's like a dad like he looked like a plumber that he actually was a plumber a plumber at night Doing late night jobs. No matter where you work in this country. There's somebody

Whether there's a warehouse whether there's a warehouse an office building There's three or four people that get high Okay, and then it comes to the point where they get high and they get married and they don't go out no more And they come to you and then they go, you know last Friday mouse, but it's a coke And we got freaky and he fucked me in the ass of so much fun And we were drunk we hadn't done that since the beginning and we just don't know where to get it And on Sunday you are and you're like, hey you want an eight ball We this time I've gotten jobs and I was working my customers were people I worked at

I didn't even need to step out of the status quo. I was right there in front of me I'd sell cars my customers are right there. There's three guys that need an eight ball on a Friday That's that's a quarter and another eight ball. That means I got a half ounce for free I got an eight ball for free With the money they're gonna give me you put deals together. I did it all the fucking time Two out of the three dealers I had in hollywood seven years ago are still dealing Really? Yeah

On a daily basis or on the weekends you're saying two of the two of the three guys That I was buying cocaine from Are still at it the one guy has is a businessman And during the week he fucking wakes up and he's a dad and he drives him to school But one comes Friday at three o'clock that motherfucker pick up a pound to blow And sell it and do it in two nights And it's tremendous blow. He sells it to you the way he gets it. He doesn't have time to cut it He just wants to move it. He has that many fucking customers

And the other guy still picks it up somewhere brings it He gets it somewhere come, you know out of this fucking area code Brings it once a month gets a kilo or two and he just slings quietly at night hollywood to all the clubs all those little bars And a little delivery service But you know, you got to walk in have a drink Smile a little bit you can make 1200 a night. It's an of course you're 150 you got a park You got a valet park you got to have a drink every way you go, correct You just can't walk into a bar

So that's got to be part of your lifestyle That's what i'm saying a guy like me if you're not drinking you're not even to jumping up and down You're not gonna sell coke. I could still sell coke to people I work around What would you think I'd be doing today if I wasn't doing this you think I had an education or anything else with drugs There's nothing else I know but stealing and drugs at the end of the week Which meant that even if I got a job and got good at that job, right if I was making 12 bucks an hour What's 12 bucks an hour times 10 that's 120 that's 480 a week after taxes that's 350 You cannot raise your children and a wife with 350 a fucking week after taxes

So after that i'm eventually i'm gonna say, you know what? I can make 350 and two nights selling blood and still keep my days free And take my chances on insurance. There's people that do that. That's how drug dealers Drug dealers are born the same way comedians are born They're sitting at home one day watching tv and they're going i'm funny and this motherfucker Give me the yellow pages. What's the nearest comedy club? I'm gonna call down there No, I I'm not saying drug dealers are bad people. I'm I'm sure they're The same amount of good and bad people isn't any job, but every hooker has a story

right, but and that's the same thing every hook not every hooker's back, but would you Would if you had a son, would you want him to be a drug dealer? Like it just it when you say it's a good job It's like yeah, you can make money at it, but I don't think anyone wants to be your son to be a sucker I don't know That's a big question Do you want your son to go to? UPS and deliver packages for eight bucks an hour and get beat up and fight for his life If he figures out a way to put it together without staying in jail

Mazel tov and if he goes to jail Mazel tov he's gonna learn a lesson. There's no two ways of losing people gonna do what they do It's an inner bug inside you. It's the yearning for wanting more It's the yearning for wanting more guys You know, uh, john singleton is shooting this pilot about in fx about drugs in the 80s Everybody's gonna knock this out of the park now Everybody's gonna hit this topic how this whole epidemic started Everybody's gonna hit this topic and the part I read was about a boxer

Who wasn't doing shit with his life? And he looked up one day and he saw a Spanish guy come in with gold and rings and You know taking hundreds from people and tapping his nose and he said fuck getting punched in the head You know for 25 dollars a fight. I'm gonna go sell fucking blow And that's what happens I've met a thousand drug dealers in my life. I was involved with drugs For 30 years. I met guys that were confused men That were doing drugs to get chicks and to get their dick sucked into play the mafia role or the gangster role out

And I met guys who were businessmen who were brilliant Brilliant I had a white dude in Boulder That dude was brilliant, bro He was selling a ton of fucking blow, but he was also building a business empire in the daytime That's how he was fueling the money For the stereo we had the body shop with the fucking gps He had the rims the electric rims. So the snow would melt off your tires This guy was badass

But if you call this guy a three in the morning, he was right there bush-eyed wide-eyed selling coke and I admire the guy I still own 1500 Out of respect No, I've had drug dealers from ever Shape form and size and I've learned something from each of them I've noticed the ones like that are suckers You know for the 15 years. I just prayed on drug dealers and all I had to see was an opening And once I saw that opening

No continues, but this was a point I was gonna bring up. Yeah, what's the point? How do you as a drug dealer? How do you defend against what you made your living off of being a fucking professional? Staying on top of your game like anything else because I'm not the only barracuda on you We think I'm the only barracuda on drug dealers 18 guys watching you waiting to make a mistake They used to sell drugs on right across the street from my mom's house on 5th street And they were selling crack there all the time and I would um walk down the street to 4th street To cut the cars off before they went to 5th street So I was stopping everybody like everybody was driving on 5th street to buy crack

But me and my friends, you know what? We would just stand on 4th street and cut these cars off before they go to 5th street So man, we started short stopping everybody. That's a genius move Yeah, and then after that once everybody started going on 4th street We said, you know what man? We're too fat to be chasing after these cars What we started selling drugs at 3 in the morning. So what we did was We had a regular five piece of crack and then at 3 in the morning we split them in half So we doubled our money

So I would sell crack bro like Like you you you think about how desperate these crack heads will come at 3 in the morning Can I get a 20 and I would give them like a five dollar piece of crack for 20 Because they'll take it and um You know those were the prices and I was a little crazy little hustler But sometimes, you know, I want my brother like my brother is bad because my brother angel That for you to fuck up the game man. He was selling um almonds, bro Yeah, that's

That's when he was selling with almonds with orange gel So this food will come back and shoot everybody. So I had to go back to 5th street I had a guy that was I had a guy that was put on our job for a long time. What's the other shit that they had before orange up There's a different ambasal ambasal the best you could freeze it. Yeah, you could freeze I don't know how he's doing it. Don't ask how the I don't know the chemical balance. I'm not a chemistry This is 30 fucking years ago. I knew this guy briefly And I know he was doing something with ambasal because he told me he would take the coke into the city

I'm one of my first cocaine dealers every time I went to his house. This is why when I saw the movie boogie nights I knew that dude The dude with the row with the chinese the chinese guy with the fireworks. I knew that was my first drug deal His name was paddy d Paddy d lived around the block from me was my first drug dealer. I ran interference In between him and one of his relatives was a cop They were favorite cousins, but since he'd become a cop He couldn't hang out with his cousin no more and pick up the goods

Because he knew they were watching his cousins So I would see the cop in the afternoon after school when he'd give me an envelope I'd walk over the paddies get what I had to get take a couple bumps off the top And that night the cop would come home and get his little envelope That's how I knew the guy but the so now This is right after my mom died bro 15 15 I'm hanging out at paddy d's house in the meantime. I'm hanging out with deedy conterra and his brother carlos And carlos is his unofficial bodyguard

People thought paddy d was a little gay, but they weren't sure you know what I'm saying But everything Sorry, sorry about that guys my allergies every time you went over there. He had a robot And you didn't know and he would sing songs and shit like he'd play music just like that dude in fucking motor red In boogie nights. That's what he plays right same thing, bro If you went when you went over there, you knew you had to sit there for 20 minutes and get an ear beating about the chick He just fucked that you never saw You never saw none of his women. You just missed his bro. You just missed the hardest chick

I fucked her for two hours. I'd see sucked my dick. I ate her ass You just missed her. She would have sucked your dick if you got hit 10 minutes early. That's a control. I have other women What do you want? And then and then you tell him let me get a gram You know, I got 80 bucks. How much you owe me give me 80 bucks And then you wait for a line and he'd give you the smallest midget line He'd do a big big line and between that he'd play music and he started doing like the video dance To the music and shit and you'd sit there bored to peace. It's like, oh no

When is he gonna take his dick out so I could just kill this motherfucker? Oh my god, and then Carlos he accused Carlos of breaking into his house So the relationship ended but I bumped into him on facebook and we friended each other And then when he realized that I was part of the fucking conspiracy he unfriended Unbelievable these fucking people. He was the weirdest dude. I've always had a robot to any afternoon Ten at night and just finished fucking the chick. You just missed it. You missed her, bro That would have been there, bro. She was hot, bro. I was doing blow off her nipples

It was awesome Bit that bit and then my high school teacher The camel Told me that if I couldn't get a hold of him ever he goes there's a He goes, I wouldn't tell you this but there's a spot on in 35th and amsterdam It's a disc of tech downstairs. It's columbians and the minnicans. It's the first merge It's the first the columbians became partners to the minnicans. This is I'm taking your motherfuckers back to new york

1983 And you have to park your car on amsterdam And he'd have 15 guys out there As uh Parking mates. There was no matter. There was no meters. No, no, there was no valet You park your car and you got there was a guy right there. Okay, look at get it I'm gonna go but equal. Okay, and you you give him five dollars and they say he'd walk you That was their scam. They'd walk you to the disc of tech

Then you walk downstairs the place would be packed The daytime they would play columbian music But at night they would play disco music whatever if you're thinking you're right So you walk in you'd fucking walk in people be dancing the dj would see you and in the dj box There was a guy and he'd go And right there in front everybody dancing Right, you'd walk in the guy would say I got two powders for you. I got this shit from columbia I just got off the boat. It's called pigeon anger and I got this other shit that's called dead well muerto

What do you want? This is a hundred. No, they would only sell grams And eight balls at the end. This is 110 and this is 250 and this is 280 You give a time they'd have four turntables Right in the back three turntables three that three two of them were spinning and one of them would stop They'd take the aluminum pro. It was a 24 hour business And then they would open the door and you see that ledger the door is it have a drop And that's where the package should be Can you take the package on?

He'd give you an extra give you two bumps Wrap it up for you and you went out the back door through the disco and you popped right up on amsterdam And I remember one day going and the columbian came on. He goes. There's a dead dude there But we got a different way to walk into the building They had the yellow tape around them They had the guy with the blanket until he took blood dripping And when we pulled up the dude took the fin from us and took us around the thing We still they still was selling coke with the cops in front the investigation of the murder

One time I walked in on them and they were having a chicken thing with the chicken's fight and this shit tremendous This was very no real dog. This was real. It's studio 55. Yeah, I forget. I forget the name of the place This was a long fucking day. Oh, it's weird the drug dealers you I could write a book about my fucking drug dealers That's not a bad idea every one of them are the ones I found fucking interesting as shit My drug dealer always been a small little mexican ladies How old like old dude like I used to buy drugs and um In um a lesion valley. I used to live in a lesion valley in frog town where milo Rivera grew up So I used to go to that river

And they used to be an old lady, bro She used to hang up by the river this old lady, bro Like she must have been like 60 years old She looked like she was wearing one of those work dresses like those little aprons that moms wear over And she'll just hang out with a with a bunch of like shopping bags Full of groceries. They were just fake groceries And she'll have a little Weed container like those green little bottles full of crack

I mean full of those flattest Crack it looked like peanut brittle. Okay. Wait, is that good? I don't know man. I just smoke anything. It's crack I don't know the difference. This is back on a day. This is below this 2003 Felipe looking good 2003 bro That was back in the day when I was when I was river dancing in the rivers of frog town So this lady was asked me bro I would she have a beeper number and I would call her and then she'll meet me and I'll tell her And then she couldn't cross over the river because she's paying taxes to the gang across the river

So if she goes to cross the river, she has to pay taxes to this gang So I would meet her halfway through the river So I would give her 60 dollars and she'll give me like a bunch of flattest crack but and then One time she was in there man And I had to walk all the way in so he goes I bought I bought my friend the cubano This old cuban dude, bro

There's probably been a drug dealer and a pimp and a drug addict in that little area since Since there used to be a cuban neighborhood all over at water Back in the days and um He was he had a he was inside the alley river Instead of tent He had his own little tent set up inside the bushes And he just took his hand out and I gave him 40 dollars and he gave me 40 dollars worth of crack crazy dog

Just a tent in the bushes A tent bro And it was like that was so bad and then um And then after she would leave she would have to leave at 10 o'clock. I knew her hours, bro Like I knew that she got to the neighborhood at 11 in the morning So sometimes I would drive with my obovo and be waiting like a fuck like a mouse, bro waiting like uh like a fiend, bro Every time the bus

A bus shows up. I get excited. I start dancing like samo jackson. She took the bus to drug dealer Bro, she was I'm telling you bro. If you want to survive a drug dealer like joe dea said you don't flash your money You show up man. She shows them like an old lady about to clean somebody's house and I will some I will give her something I will bring her the reels and she'll give my extra little chip A chip for a chip For times were bad, bro but

But man and then when she would leave at 10, I would have to go to drew street And this is before I knew I didn't know that this was a Crazy gang, you know, I saw him in gangland and I'd be over there man And this old Mexican man would meet me at seven in the morning At this clinic and he'll put coke He'll put crack cocaine instead of a big-ass Mexican, um, but uh, be right there french roll And he'll like he'll drop off his kids at school Go pick up our mexican bread and part of and he'll open up a concha

Mexican bread and put crack in there and he'll hand me over a piece a bag of bread and he'll be on his way Man, I was doing a lot of crack I couldn't stop Hey, man, it was good though. Sometimes people do crack one time, man. I could I had a showcase cocksucker I had a coach man. Never forget that man. You came through like a like a like a deep in the night, bro You came in bro Blasting brand like the guns of novel rune, bro I was two days without sleeping and I even caused you up and he got filipino the showcase today at eight o'clock

By the other slept all day He's gonna go pick you up. They go. Why are you gonna pick me up? Then we remember we picked you up and we took it to the 7-eleven Then you hung out with us and you're like damn I had no sleep man pat buckles going crazy But I did my showcase man With my eyes full blast, bro Like like a truck driver's eyes, man. I've been driving for eight hours. My eyes were be me up Scotty, man

I was like Garfield man doing his showcase. That's a nice jacket. Thank you, man. I love it. It's a Levi jacket. Thank you very much Oh, no, it's a regular jacket Just an especially Spanish drug dealers Like I had a black drug dealer on a 125th and Broadway in 1994 When that song was popular mr. Wendell Mr. Wendell he was he was old and black and he had white hand. He was frail He was a sweetheart and he'd get blasted on those little bottles not that Pint but the half pint. Yeah

And when you walked in the bell went off there was like a couple sodas in the refrigerator It was a health food store But it was really a weed store And he would come up and he had all the drugs like nobody in that business Could you go to the window and say yo, let me see what you got. Let me pick a bag No, you put your 20 dollars in they throw a bag on you take a new walk out of that For some reason I got so personalized with him That I'd say mr. Wendell, what do you got show me what you got show me some love

And he'd blow out like fucking six bags And I'd say I'm taking one of them, but I'd take one and drop it on the floor and give them four back But he was so old He would just take the four in the 20s. I say the mile player And I just bend over pick up the 20th tie and we'll walk out of there. It was fucking though. I played So much with heat on those in those Harlem streets right before I left in 85. It was Cuban refugees everywhere in Harlem They were everywhere Silent Bob I had been out of the game

My mom died in 79. So I had been out of contact with Cuban people All of a sudden everywhere everywhere everywhere in New York West New York They're smacking people they're getting arrested and shit. That's all the shit you read read about Like I didn't know really running shit too. Okay one my stepfather was part of four brothers That's why they called the family of Kwaklo Yinto the four wins So three of them were in Cuba. He paid 10,000 to get one He sent them back to Cuba after four days because the guy was a communist

Because he saw somebody walking down the street and they said something to each other So and they lifted their arm in a weird way. He called them comandante one of those words My stepfather shipped them back. But then two of his nephews came Four nephews came in 1980 and by 1982 there was only one nephew left three of them had been shot like dogs on the street They came out to this violent They tried to play it a different a different way I had grown up a guy with a guy named Dati that my mom was friends with that they tried to help out That guy was pulling those scams

When I was a kid, you know, you showing up with coke and he'd shoot you take the money and the fucking drugs That's the when those Cuban canes that to that area They fucking took over like this But they lifted that you know, they were like gangs They were like gang members here in LA. They just lifted the violence man and let me see There was a bunch of them that would sell weed

The bus takes you to 178th from jersey over the george washington bridge So all you have to do is walk out of the link out of the poor authority And make a right and walk down that block and cut in left and you'd see a bunch of people standing on the street They were all Cuban refugees and they were selling weed So I would go up to them. I became friends and they were selling nickel bags Oh, yeah, and I become friends with one particular one You know I'm saying I would always buy from him and buy from him and after about two months I knew I was leaving to colorado. I just asked him as how do you get involved in this?

They're like you want to sell first? I go. Yeah, I'll help yourself. Like you'd be great. You know english They're like you make a thousand dollars a fucking day. So make you make that much money. He's like, oh, yeah, it's not bad Selling weed selling weed. Here's the deal. There's the deal. Fuck it For every 25 nickel bags you sell you keep 25 bucks That's the that was the level that that's what you do as a refugee. You have no paperwork You're an illegal. Maybe they weren't illegal. I don't fucking know They came with that mario boat. I'll take yeah, but these guys this is I couldn't judge those guys even at that age at 21. I was 21 or 22

I'm like, so tell me again You sell 25 bags And you make and I go, what do you make a day? We make about 150 but you got to be out here from lunchtime to two in the morning That's what you do That's what you did 20 30 years ago when you were A person who didn't speak english and you didn't have a way to feed your family and they made a thousand dollars a day No, I'm telling you that you had this is what you know that they told me you make a lot of money

When you go to a denny's when you walk into denny's And you go I want to be a waiter like that's a great job. You have to make a bunch of money You don't know what a bunch of money is But these guys were out there 12 to 12 selling 12 hours of nickel bags cars pull up What do you got sense of media how much five dollars give me 10 bags? Let me look at it Let me sniff it. Let me get 10 for 12. These motherfuckers would just go. No, it's five dollars a piece It would they give you 25 bags league At five hours that means you have to give me 125 hours

You keep you keep 25. You give me 100 once you give me 100 hours. I give you another 25 bags You sell those 25 bags. I'll give you you sell to give me 100. That's what you do when you're a drug dealer So this is my office. I'm here watching tv You're on the corner felipe's on lancac lancashim and burbank and silent bars by the car wash over there Right That's it. You guys sell nickel back from eight in the morning to midnight on those corners No, I understand but just like this them. They probably make maybe a hundred bucks a night Right because they have to sell 25 by that's what I'm saying. It's a hundred bags

They have to sell 400 bags to make a hundred fucking bucks a 400 and in those days you had that type of volume 10 guys could do that 10 guys could sell that much weed than that in like new york city or anywhere new york city With that type of volume That's money just to be sitting down not working picking up sugar canes or nothing No, you're outside hustling wheeling and dealing with the cops pick. Yeah, listen. There's a raid those neighbors always get rid Those neighborhoods get rid of every six weeks You learn how to a not have stuff on you And b how to know when the raids are coming and see how to pay to not make the raids come

If that's your occupation as a drug dealer, it's like anything else. You got to dive into it The reason why and I and I've always believed this belief You yourself like reading mafia books about history anything organized crime The reason why I think the mafia They lost touch with what was going on the streets They got so greedy on this end to me if I was building a mafia And you came to me and said joey, I want you to be a captain. What's the first job you're gonna do is i'm selling street corners Because I know in my mind

Every street corner is 50,000 a month I know this that's the bottom end of any criminal organization is to control a neighborhood All we need is three neighborhoods North Hollywood Studio street by Laurel Kang and Ventura is ours And Owen and whatever is ours. Those are three streets that within a year We're gonna be making 50,000 a fucking month Selling whatever we want heroin coke on those corners. That's how a drug dealer. That's how a criminal organization looks at a street corner

Every street corner if I have three street corners and I sell blow on those corners And I put two badass motherfuckers on those corners to sell 50s of cocaine all day long No uncut rock aluminum foil all day long They're there from 12 to 2 in the fucking morning and you know this no drama No parking the car going upstairs Don't let my wife know why you're here none of that shit When you're an addict, that's where you go. Yeah, if I tell you I'm gonna be there with the best cocaine in the city uncut What are you paying? Oh, I was selling bob 60. I got it for 50 right now in aluminum foil

You my grams got rocking it for 50. Fuck. I'm just I don't know what it sells well I know within 90 days I'm making 50,000 a month and I'm just the fucking I'm just the guy that's picking the coke up and putting the operation together I know that's for a fucking fact each corner Never mind not what happens if I put a bodega over there And in that bodega I sell numbers and I take sports bets So why are you gonna sell the street corners then because I got to control the street corners That's how coming what do you think the mafia just sells drugs in the direct? No now you have to take the sports bet

Now that's another fucking now. That's another fucking corner. You have nobody That's how you control the corner with that grocery store and the fuck gonna sell phone cars, too You got to sell for what do you sell whatever? No, but no no you keep that place clean You just do sports gambling there If they want to come in for a sports gambling let them come in for sports gambling You have an office somewhere else that thing that thing is Well, you can't do all short betting. Well, you're trying to get the money off the street Felipe That you start with the lowest numbers if they know I could come to let's say i'm a fucking spanish immigrant

And I know I got to pay sneakers for my kid But life is a motherfucker and those immigrants know it's a motherfucker, correct? Get a little nikes. Okay. Yeah, look nikes. I come into your store. I know I could borrow 55 dollars from From I could borrow 75 dollars from silent bob to pay him 102 next week So loan sharking that just becomes loan shark 102,000 he had to pay next week seven Let's say 75 dollars. He gives me 100 next week. What if he doesn't have 100? I break his fucking neck. He can't his wife His wife and him can't shop my fucking boat. They gotta make sure man. No, it's just simplicity

I'm just making a point. Felipe. What's the big this is how you take over a fucking neighborhood This is how what the mafia and all these other people have forgotten That they have forgotten this society when I was growing up. There was neighborhood You went to you could do anything on there. You could buy a fucking bazooka and I could come to you. What's up? What's up? What are you looking for? I'm looking for a grandma fucking blow Who sent you down here? Felipe bro. Felipe. Felipe from where? What Felipe fool? Felipe boy. How's the boy high? Oh, shit. You know, I have a man in this cousin, right? He doesn't sound no shit. Come on dog. Part your car in that neighborhood. You could buy anything

You could buy anything You know what? What do you want? I want a fucking ounce of blow. It's gonna take an hour dog I gotta call my brother butchie. You gotta go around the corner to the columbia Go to that bodega and wait there What do you think you're doing that bodega you put a bed in you buy a fuck That's what I'm saying. I'm just saying. I don't know what the vigs are But that's what the mafia lost that neighborhood And that neighborhood money

Is a million dollars a year It's the smallest percentage of but you can make the more money Because there's no money. It's like a car dealerships. If you have credit You come in I get you a credit rate the whole thing But if you got bad credit, I can have a good time with you, dog I can make you buy that insurance. That's what about joey saza You can book a joey saza from godfather 3. They forgot about his So do you understand what i'm trying to say to you these people are immigrants you take advantage of these people

In many ways and i'm not just saying immigrants. This could be any neighborhood a black neighborhood I saw where paul used to live. They had a corner Every like every time I went there were like three or four guys there and at night they would so it's funny Said bodega at night. They would sell papooses right there right there. You know those are spots Those are fucking spots. That's what that's called But it's amazing how once the mob lost that Listen the cops will come 22 times and they'll break you up out of the neighborhood. Come on guys You got to break it up. What are you guys doing here reading the paper talking to my sports?

You guys like hanging out in front of a shoe store. Yeah, that's what we do Eventually one day one cops will go guys. What the fuck and you're gonna go dog What's it gonna cost to get you off my back on this corner? And you know what if i'm making fucking 30 000 of fucking weeks slinging fucking grams I'm gonna give you 500 600 It's bro. That's what we lost in america. You know, I always say that when I was a kid I knew guys that weren't losers. They were just out of work They were college students. They would sell quailudes

You bought fucking 100 quailudes for 200 bucks. She's falling for 400 hours You make 200 200 hours on a thursday You just waited for everybody got paid everybody wanted a party There's ways to sell drugs and there's ways to be an animal both ways I'm not I'm not saying that they're good But I know that people get into binds in their fucking life And sometimes you got to do what you got to do

You think those fools got too corporate the mafia? They'll keep their ear to the streets. They went for bigger money and they left little pennies And for years they made money on the little pennies All of a sudden they got a house in jersey. Ah, we don't need those pennies no more I'm doing this boy. You know what somebody else is going to take those pennies and that's how they built power Those pennies So now you have street gangs the kids are 16 17 and we're making money making money because they're slinging That money was yours that you just let it go let it go if I had to guess it must be

Harder to leave once you get in just because you see how much money you make drugs It's such a fucking huge part of our society. What do they call it pop culture? Oh, yeah drugs are pop culture Drugs are pop culture Every year there's a new fashion drug every year people OD Somebody's got to be pushing these fuck somebody has that muscle soon Somebody got to be pushing these fucking drugs You know, it's uh, what's up Lee? Whatever you know, it's it's just interesting I never thought about that before that like

There's a there is always like when you watch Yeah, when you watch narcos the first time You were like, what the fuck is how did he make 65 million dollars the fucking day? When I was a kid that kid and asked me that blew himself up in the Jeep. They put a bomb in his Jeep He went to start every day. He gives somebody five hours go to start my car The one night he goes to the aspen club. He's lifting weights by himself. There's nobody there. He goes and starts the car Boo for grenade under the seat. He had 31 days to uh, what's the book american? american snapper

American whatever American whatever he says he killed the guy the guy's name was steve brabo from aspen colorado They got him making six million every six weeks didn't even do coke Didn't even see the coke didn't cut it not all he was in charge was the coke going from miami To colorado to hawaii and to minneapolis He had two neighborhoods he controlled hawaii and minneapolis See that's that that's what I was talking about earlier though He only had two neighborhoods and he gets fucking blown up in the with a grenade in the car jeep, but he was also making

six million Every six weeks if you're making six million every six weeks Bitch, you better check your sneakers for grenades because i'm blowing it up myself You follow me under my bed you're making six million every six weeks You know you're part of something that's just gigantic A fool when they go to you what what are you telling Felipe those two brothers from Chicago those fools were young Huh those drug dealers that caused all that shit in Chicago. That's why everybody's getting killed and shit Although the two drug dealers in front and chicago they're twins and there were the ones that were moving all the cocaine for the

for the mexican cartel And um they um There were the main the main drug dealers out of chicago and and they got arrested and they're talking Yeah, they turned state's evidence and shit, but that's why everybody's getting murdered out there, right fool. Yeah It's caused all that fucking shake of it. They were young asshole after places. You guys drive by the stash houses After places that you see that you're like dog look at that place that place is never busy Go on the back room. You think they got tomato paste back there? They got 35 000 pounds of blowback there waiting to distribute to your neighbor or there's some other neighbor

There's a block up here that i'm convinced almost every store is that magnolia on the way into burbank Like we stopped by one of those pet stores There's like one thing on each corner and they sold like four things in the entire store And they're on magnolia and then they have two No, they have three halloween stores on magnolia. You know that in a donald trumpignata Yes, uh So break down mexican independence for me silent bob what happened today on this particular thing He don't go right the screaming shit. Don't look at him. He don't know you know this shit. You're september 16th

Dude, i'm a fucking dummy before the revolution. This is late late 1800s And um, fucking it was a priest like a criollo, right? Fucking uh lights getting full and he him fucking uh In what jose maria morelos and all that shit. They fucking uh, you know started that fucking that that uh, mexican that March towards independence getting away from the spanish crown and shit under spanish control and actually becoming mexico A country in and of itself You know and fucking you know when it was all the way up here and so four years of college is all you got

Yeah, what are you talking about? I thought you're gonna break it down for me. See I gave you Fuck, do you have it to that fucking course of days? Did he major in mexican history? Please don't put him on the spot. But uh, I mean he made you an um part-time job He's gonna be a fucking attorney. That means his major was history those were the uh, the roots of uh, pretty much mexican independence and then Resulted in the 1910 mexican revolution. So the mexican revolution was fifth of man 1910 Then fifth of me sickle the mile that's a struggle Is the battle sickle the mile the battle of puebla where

2,500 mexican Farmers with some with rakes And leaf blowers beat the shit out of the french It's fucked up that it's mexican independence and it's a u-week too. It's russia shah Rush hush shah now rush hush shah Wasn't a fucking Salvadorian independence yesterday? Yeah I think I'm I think I'm um

Hispanic week is all mexican independence. September the month, right? Hispanic heritage one Hispanic heritage month from his patio And nobody knows, you know, they make up things. It's a fucking way to stay bro It's like half the menu on taco bell is not mexican. Mexicans don't even know what the fuck they are But that's the same with chinese food when you tell talk to chinese people like shit The shit you mother fuckers eat is not this shit. We garbage. I don't mess with no, uh, mandarin chinese food Steve Simone didn't like it as much. He wanted china. He said I like american chinese food better My my favorite chinese food is from the Hunan dynasty. What's that? Well, fuck. That's what we're fucking raised on

We're raised on uh, huna american chinese food with the mustard and the egg. Hunan province, you know What you gonna fuck up? What's the matter with you? Nothing everything I know the deal about orange chicken. What you looking good. What do you eat when you go to chinese restaurants now? No, now that i'm vegan i just eat um the noodles The noodles by themselves plain noodles That little star kicking in the little jeweler stars

He didn't get the weight loss surgery because he couldn't eat chinese food And now you're saying that all you can just plain noodles. That's how I eat man. Look good, dude Or sometimes, you know, I I I ordered the um I eat a lot of Thai food bro like the like the um Yellow curry green curry red curry with brown rice man. That's just down Or the dessert the the sticky rice and mango is so good You gotta try it. Joe Diaz. All right Yeah, I'll be down there tomorrow and shit. Hell. Yeah, man. I'll make you some um vegan pork tartas tortas

You know, uh, there's an elephant in the room It's it's weird because we have to talk about this Especially if we're doing this podcast something really weird happened. I woke up to some Wild shit. Willy barcena. Sometimes you uh You know, you wake up in the morning expecting to have a weird day. You read something. You're like, what? You know the big news today. It wasn't about steve run. It's easy. You know, yeah, man and uh I learned how to spell his name correctly today

The fuck happens when you uh You know when you get caught in something You know, it's I'm not mad at the guy. You know, I don't know him Uh, I've known him for 20 years and she came out of here whenever he said he came out of here I've never had a problem. He's always stuck up for me. You know, he always said hello to me And then you always read you read this and you go what the fuck I got a couple emails I was like, did you see this? Like I'm supposed to call him an asshole or whatever. Hey, man

I've been there. That's why I tell people be careful when you get yourself involved into You know, I didn't I I didn't tell my mother I got left back I was gonna say like do you guys I I used to love to lie. I like about crazy Like and like shot and like do all that stuff. So like Obviously, it's not excusable, but What if like he just they just got bigger and bigger and But then he said it on marron So that's not good

But you can't I don't know if you can call him a bad person just for one thing. We've all fucking told a lot You know, it was to a certain age. I lied to him. I fucked up my leg one time, man I was running from the cops And I'm and then I was running I was running from the cops because I thought they were like coming after me But they just turned the lights on and went and go chase somebody else So me being paranoid I ran and I fell on a ditch And then I was crawling all the way home and I remember telling my friends. I got jumped by these three nazis, bro Fighting for the cause I got jumped by these three fucking skinheads, bro

And they're really wrong. They jumped you. Yeah, man fucking Is it a lie? I fucking I like a fucking lie like it's embarrassing. I mean, we all fucking lie It's fucking embarrassing. Do you like that brownie son in boba one? We're gonna eat that brown That's a good thing. I'm over there man. Mr. Lebowski over there Eat the brownie of death Listen, man, I used to lie. Oh my god. I was living in a fucking lie So I was like 20 cents once I went to jail. I'm like, you know what man

I see how these guys lie because you make it like once when you once you go to fucking jail You see these guys with broken down socks. Nobody visits them And they're telling you how they were pimp on the outside. Don't I had tons of money. I had millions of shit Nobody fucking thanks. He's your bricks. You got no tv You know when you got no tv in your fucking room, there's gotta be a problem. You split that one We likes chocolate. I'm beyond good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, like a fucking beyonder Thank you So what the fuck i'm brownie

I didn't even know that um, he was um From new york That was a shot. I thought he was from boston And then and then apparently like he got his girlfriend up in it like he said she was working there too and maybe she wasn't I Like it's scary like it's scared now. Now you have to think about what you say. He had it all planned out that Because he had like his his career. He just got that

Buffalo Wild Wings thing and My god, his new special is coming out That's sad You think here we do like buffalo hot wings How could he not Buffalo Wild Wings i'll take his his job and he'll put that fool on blast Who let everybody know that fool lied or how to say something about the new york time something about they confront them with something They check the fucking fact, you know

it's funny because uh About 11 years now About 15 years ago I was a little misunderstanding with my ex-wife One day we were talking about something and she goes uh

You know, I read your resume. By the way, you're lying. You weren't born in cuba. You were born in new york city I read your birth certificate. I go, which one did you read? You know It was a black and white one that nobody ever read that I lost that blood I lost that just being a kid no wallet That one had a vana cuba on it the whole thing when I got the read done It says new york city the read one of the reasons why i'm scared. I know I won't get a passport It's gonna open up a bag of worms. They're not gonna find me in there. My wife is a gentile

Okay, all you got to do is open my wife's brain up with out weed and you're done She went on ancestry.com. I don't have an ancestor on that motherfucker. Do you understand me? There ain't a nothing like none of my people came through fucking it was lost. It was probably lost during 9 11 The record There ain't a fucking record There ain't a fucking record. It was lost in that lie But my uncle's in there my uncle's in there from glendale My uh

Yeah, no, no A little little fucking stop. It's fucking amazing bro. It's fucking really amazing that So I know that you know, but that's the only thing somebody could jam me up on They say well your birth certificate He's a really he's a really fucking cuba and then I'm gonna Obey me and then I'm gonna have a problem because it's open up a fucking can of fucking worms Do people accuse you of lying a lot? Oh all the time Fucking like cock sucker. Why wouldn't they but you know, I have a friend of mine that listens to this show

I have a Friend they call you on that shit. How do they know I have a full school friends who listen No, I have a friend of mine that I bumped into in texas And about two years and then about a year ago He hit me up with an email That he goes do me a favor and say hello to my son Because he doesn't believe that I grew up with you like you know because he used to tell him these type of stories and the son would go Dad stop it

So one day the kid went to him and said, you know this joey dears guy He's saying this shit. He goes, yeah, I grew up with the guy. He goes say hello and let him know we're friends Now the kid believes his father For years, let me tell you something for years I didn't say any of these stories not because I didn't want to say it Was because I didn't think nobody would believe him or and I also believe that everybody else lived like that I thought that everybody broke windows and they were kids and everybody had a fun fucking life It's not till I went to colorado that I would talk to people and I would tell them shit and they would just look at me

Dogs and I'd say I'm never telling that story again because obviously you can't tell that type of shit People don't understand that the rest of the country was until this podcast shit But I said fuck I gotta let this stuff go. I can't live with this stuff This stuff's hilarious mug in a hooker Nobody's ever mugged a hooker and taken it back to jersey and those kids are still alive And they come to my fucking shows the kid that drove that night still comes to all the shows and hugs me and he goes Oh, my nephew's love when you tell him my name and all this shit But there's people who don't you're telling about you and tony hawk hanging out when you were little

No My brother angel live he's a con artist bro. He's a liar He would lie to my my son and my little nephews one day and said that he used to hang out with tony hawk When he was 14 years old Because they're about the same age and then one day we're having a conversation and my son's jumps into the conversation My dad was tony hawk And he goes oh my dude And I said now about your uncle angel's a liar. I was like you never told me that

Yeah, maybe we're embarrassed. I never understood listen, okay Me only go out Okay, we buy a grandma blow We bump into two ugly fat chicks They suck our dick we piss on them We take them to a hotel Don't worry about it. We take them to a hotel. Please definitely lie and say they were hot Wake up the next day. They throw us out of the hotel. We don't have enough money to pay for the hotel

That's the story me and lego giggle When you bump into me two years from now, you fuck him by the transit joke. We're comedians. What do we say? We went out. We had an eight ball. We bumped into two of the hottest chick That's how you do We should come back to a holiday in You should have known one Rodrigo if you tell me that oh Felipe That's okay. That's okay dog, you know You did get your dick suck, you know, whether you were pretty is for the judge or whatever sometimes you pick up an ugly chick

You know, whatever but things are happening in your life. Whatever That's but for me to I used to have if I had two situations in my life I never I used to have a friend that owned the deli that dog I could go up to the next morning. He'd be like I went for the leap of last night dog. We partied out till six in the morning with Richard gear and Oh my god, and lisa. I was there and oh my god. It was fucking amazing Then a week later I bumped into Felipe and go, what's up dog dog?

What happened that night you went out with fucking silent bob. He said you were till six silent bob I haven't seen silent bob in a year. I had one of those motherfuckers. Oh that would just You know And you'd sit there and go Why would somebody say that? But you knew if you went back and you weren't gonna win the argument. I didn't say that I said the time before I didn't say him. I said he was one of those dudes He was he just and then I grew up with this girl

Way before you guys were around cha chi remember cha chi scott bail scott bail this girl in high school Just made up a story that She was dating scott bail Doug this went on for like two years in slow batata girl Every fucking monday. Wow We boy i'm dating scott bail and she would have pictures of her

Which scott bail but with 20 other people and scott bail was on the other side of room and she'd be on this side of room And she told me how no no he doesn't want us to know anybody to know that we're dating We're going to the junior prom together and shit And the junior prom came and she came with some fat dude with pimples I never called her on it because why would you make that up? You have to feel bad on your own just Just walking around thinking that you feel bad crap You have to feel bad just thinking that your mind

Right on you have to think that you feel bad just thinking that you said that a lot That scott bail's gonna come to your fucking wedding. I remember I remember man. I lied to my mom Know that I like my mom. I like my mom a bunch of times No, I lied to my dad But oh, yeah, I know I think I lied because I messed up my hand somehow outside somewhere And I told my dad that I messed up my hand trying to catch a home run at dr. Stadium That one you were working on

No, that was a kid because I had like this blood this purple thing on my hand and I didn't know how it got there, right? I have this purple bruise permanent bruise on my hand So one time my dad asked me why do you have that there? And I must have bumped into something I said no I was trying to catch this baseball at dr. Stadium right now and we were both there And I felt bad because I lied to him. I never told him the truth. I lied I feel so bad now about my mom. I told her so many lies growing up I told my step dad. Well, I tried telling him lies that motherfucker was a lie detector

That dude was just a fucking lie detector Like I said all those years. I just lied my way through him. I'm gonna get money on friday. I'm waiting for this I'm waiting for that They were just fucking lies, man I'm happy. I stopped that shit. But when you're willing dealing, it's okay to lie It's when you lie to your friends about fucking weird shit, you know, you only want to have to lie to them before You know I lied sometimes too much. Yeah, man. Your said was you had a great said

Your said was killer bro. I'm surprised you didn't didn't sign you It's hard money because you have to remember them Like yeah, like if you if you lie to everybody have to like remember All the lies it must be hard to like keep straight. I would have been nervous while growing firemen You know, it's funny. I was on marin And I told the story on marin this is and this is the type of shit that people are just, you know I told the story on marin. I was very fortunate when I was a young man I wanted to learn I do so many weird things

And when I moved to aspen, I met a guy. I met a chick and her husband Was this fucking closet killer? Don't be lying And all this guy did was we became friends and after a while he showed me his weapons And then after a while he showed me how to shoot. I would spend the friday night. Was that the ice cream guy? No, this is uh, just a regular white dude. That was a great guy big motherfucker vietnam vet Trained the whole fucking thing and he'd take me to the mountains. I'd pay for bullets And he'd let me shoot his gun and he'd teach me how to shoot him from angles and shoot And one day the guy trusted me and he goes listen, though

I really want to rob the bank of aspen. I've got these plans He took me to fucking lunch and he came out with the most detailed fucking plan of Everything how long had people been planning it for a year and a half before he met me He just needed guys And his plan was to rob the bank of aspen christmas eve

You know when you're telling the story Okay And you're just excited that you're telling the story. Yeah I said when I told the story, I go we were gonna rob the bank on christmas day Oh my god, I got 50 people that calling me a liar because the banks are closed on christmas day So do you understand me what you've got to deal with any way you put it? We deal with this to be there's people that there's people that they said christmas eve Right, but I in the rush of the story. I said we're gonna rob the christmas day

And the fucking people they was all the banks are closed on christmas day that sat there too, you know Banks are closed on christmas day. It was fucking. How can we stay in pregnancy? You know, it's it's it's people will scrutinize no matter what but for me to make up something I don't gain from it, bro. Well, they like they can I have listened not to interrupt you. Let me tell you something I'm gonna tell you something. You know, I love you. I love you. I'm gonna interrupt you let me tell you something I've forgotten more good fucking stories Than the stories I remember I did drugs for 30 years. I've forgotten fucking good stories I'm gonna go home next week and my bumping to my friends and they pull me over and they'll go

The last time I saw you Baba da Baba da Baba between you and I some of them could be bullshit because I don't remember it all But some of them I catch it and I start thinking about going. Oh, shit I did eat 16 sleeping pills that night and I smoked that fucking mushroom. You know what I'm saying because it's true I was crazy So what are we gonna say, brother? I'm sorry I completely forget good Probably a lie. Oh, wait. No

You can like you there could always be like a mistake or you could make like you could embellish something But and I haven't listened to the whole thing yet, but he had like an entire it's not like he was there Kind of you want it just even it was everything was made up So that was like the issue. It's like oh Like there's a lot there's apparently levels, but the enormous issues that he just brought up september 11th, right? If you're gonna lie about some shit don't lie about that I I don't know. I don't listen a lie is a lie is a lie Whether you lie about santa claus

Or you lie about september 11th and you escaping from some fucking building, you know I've always known him. I've always thought he was a sweet guy. He told me the story also Oh, yeah, you know, I I respect them for the story, you know for being the bill I wouldn't know what to do how long of the story. I have no fucking idea but The one that could I've talked to some people and they're like that's what it's getting around like that made him famous I don't think he's doing it on stage. Like that story didn't Make his career go off. I don't think or did it

I Don't know. I don't think when you go on audition for the league They book you on that fucking story. I don't think I don't think that they give you a special On that fucking story because in that case we have a lot of actors man with um with noble arms You know people with decapitated limbs, you know acting, you know, every really really was really like people really felt sorry for For people on 9 11, you know, those were the kind of actors we'll probably have. I don't think um, it helped his career, you know, because um I don't think it helped his career at all I think he made it because he met the right people at the right time going on auditions. Yeah

I mean, I learned something a friend of mine. I really don't know that guy man, but he tells me what's up every time Yeah, a goofy friend. I'm we're all fans of this movie a goofy friend of mine Gave me a book in miami one time and it was the book by And it made a lot of sense to me. It was the book by uh, Henry Hill's daughter She wrote a book. What's it called? Who the fuck knows my father's a bum She wrote this fucking book You know just not saying that he was a liar But saying that he was like fucking a bum

He was high. How does he almost caused a lot of problems because she's like, how does he You know remember half this shit if he was high And she told her side of the story like the the funniest thing ever that's funny does that that movie they stole it was That in real life he was living with Karen in Seattle, Washington And one day he went and did some met some chick married her and brought her back to Seattle, Washington to rent it And lived with Karen and his new wife And when Karen asked him, are you fucking crazy? He goes, no, no, no, no, don't worry about it. I married him my other name That's the line that Steve

Martin had and when he calls the detective in the fucking room, he goes, I'm in vegas say hello to my wife Yeah, and he goes, you're not supposed to fucking get married. He goes, don't worry. I married under my new wife And we don't really did that He really married a chick and brought her home and said, listen, I'm married to you as Henry Hill I'm married to her as Mario Andretti That's how fucking crazy This guy was So she goes, this is how crazy he was. You're really going to believe his story

You know, it's like when you do coke. I love doing coke But you know what the fucking hardest thing about doing coke was for in the morning If you did coke with somebody who wasn't going to suck your dick That means they're going to tell you their story And that's our signature We all have every hooker has a fucking storm while fucking hookers and we all translated from our point of view You know what I'm saying? Somebody else might tell my story and tell it how dirty and a disgusting fucking human being I was

Which is fucking true You know, I'm telling you I always tell people you have no fucking idea But they're like, no, we like you Joey. Okay but uh It's just weird because we tell I remember getting high with people and they break down at four in the morning Tell me how their parents molested them and shit You know how they doubted them buzzkill. Oh my god tremendous buzzkill Oh my god, we're we're they worked at the improv. We're getting high with some guy in Tampa

And from the he worked from the improv, but he didn't work to no more some fat kid Who looked like canelo the boxer, you know, but if he was like 500 pounds We're smoking weed with this guy and then his friend shows up You know his other friend There was us and he and he starts telling us that his other friend has not there raped his little sister And I'm like damn I gotta tell you something. I love you to death. I know you for 20 years. So I'll tell you this with all due respect You're a lunatic magnet

If that lunatics you attract them I And you encourage these fucking lunatics You make them pick you up and go to lunch with these savages And then they come to my show about bird man missing an eye missing an eye With 16 people they're like, hi We want to take it to our home date dinner Felipe came over listen. Felipe is to a different level I don't go home with people eat fucking lunch

You're a fucking lunatic. I know man. I'm in Odessa I'm in Odessa, Texas and the owner of the club of Felipe. We want to go to some fights. Sure, man Let's go halfway there. What kind of fights are these man dog fights and make you drop me off I don't want to go Felipe and he takes the ride He lets him pick him up and he hangs out with them and then he gives him your number Hey bro, I'm with this guy dawg. He picked me up at the airport He loves this house eaten. It's fucking crazy You let you mingle with these fucking people. Sure that buzz kills

I spot him. I see them with that. They try to get you right away. Oh dawg. They try to I like what you're doing. You notice him and you start your head start nutting You start talking fast and you pick up your phone and you gotta go Listen dawg. First of all, I'm deaf I'm legally deaf So if it's you and and noise in the room I'm here like last night. We're having a conversation with the nicest guy in the world. I heard nothing I was looking at you. You're over that bow and turning red in the face from how high it's a talent

He has I don't hear nothing. So when you see my head bowing and you continue like I know if I'm talking to somebody What's going on? If I come up to you, I'm like, hi You know, my name is Kyle. I'm a big fan and I'm looking at you know, you have like this weird confused look on your face I know I'm walking the fuck away from you. I caught you at a bad time Are you welcome to that comedian from houston joey? I made $50,000 last month. I made $20,000 this month Which one remember around that guy from houston? He'll tell you that he made $50,000 last night selling DVDs working for mincea and now I want to borrow $1,000

It's like when you're in jail dawg. Let's have much money. I got paper everywhere dawg. Let me get some cigarettes and shit I'll hook you up next week. Yeah. Why do you have a fucking lie to me? No, you meet Felipe attracts Every lunatic there is out there, but not only does he attract them because Duncan has the same power Duncan's people come and they they walk in and they got big eyes and they're like, I talked to you for a second I had this vision. Let's let me talk to you later on. There's a joint go in the corner and smoke it Step out on the street by the bus there. I'll be right out. There's some lunatics out there But in the world of lunacy

Nobody attracts them and keeps them around Like Felipe Felipe gives lunatics like gasoline like he gives him a hope to live till next time Like let's not be back in a year and shit. Don't cry. You hold on. Don't kill yourself. Don't shoot your mother I'll be back speed your bird bird, man. And then they'll show up to the shows and go. I'm friends with Felipe And you're like, listen, I don't know what the fuck's going on, but I can't do what was Some one night. There was a friend of yours somewhere that tormented me This had to be around a year ago. San Jose. No, no, no, no, no

No, this is somewhere else spanish guy. He tormented me He bought tickets for the boat show. He's probably listening right now. Michael Myers, bro. Michael Myers all from houston Houston got a lot of fucking lunatics dog back in the day Me and Felipe Used to have some good fucking times in houston, texas. Listen I loved it. I I tell you if I could I don't give a fuck about drugs I was born to drew drugs

I was born to get my dick sucked and get freaky and get on dub and look out windows It was a horrible time of my life, but then again, I fucking loved it. Will I do it again now? I would never get high again I don't even want to know what that feels like ever again. That was just crazy And I saw this guy in his worst time and he saw me in my fucking all-time worst time, so What's up with you? Fuck oh, are you ready for another edible? Did you eat a piece of chocolate?

No Why not when you gotta eat a star because I had three so who gives a fuck? We all ate 10 things so who gives a fuck what's wrong done right now? You're not done. You're not done till the show's over crazy. So pick something you want a star or a piece of chocolate Which one neither? A half a star that's pretty strong man. Yeah, there's that way I eat them Of course because that's for the first 30 minutes. I'm just still here listening to you. You want to eat a star? You want another one? I'll go with that star, man

I got the star of David in my heart. All right. All right. So you gotta eat this shit. It's Wednesday night It's Mexican independence. How dare your girlfriend's Mexican, correct? Yes, and how dare you sit down a bump on a lot you're gonna pick her up after this No, why what is wrong with you because she lives with her mother and I'm high as fuck You beat the horn You've never seen west side story go over there and beat the fucking horn and do what tell her come over Let's go back to my house and celebrate Mexican independence with me being this high. Who gives a fuck give the two stars and make it catch up What's wrong with you? I'm giving you all these ideas. Here's you go. You figure out how to get a little taste before you go to Las Vegas

And you acting like a half a fag. We're gonna have lunch tomorrow. Well, yeah lunch. What's lunch? That's 40 out of your pocket. You know, that's she's coming over. She's coming off for sure. Yes. What's she making? I don't know You say I deal with he's worse than you with the vegan shit I got a vegan and a fucking jew that don't know what her mom is a little bit upset with you Felipe Why? She saw you on platinino the more like that And paula told her that you're vegan and she goes no

She gets very upset. She takes her out and goes no So I'm still upset. He's a fucking vegan. We used to have fun when he used to eat me You could take him to places and he's a fucking vegan. He's eating olive oil off his fingers and shit I need that shit I'll tell rodrigo about that restaurant right next to the hotel. You always eat the donor the donor shop shims Shrimpies shrimps Shipplies

Shrimpies the hot dog the hot dog bun It's like a hot houston by the freeway Shrimpies across the street from the old Like a croissant hot dog. No, I never fuck with that shit. You did man. I like I like please It's in houston. Hold on. It's the donor shop and then like a breakfast sausage wrapped in a hot dog What are you confusing me for look it up? There's a certain there's a certain name for that But they they have them a lot of places I forget what the paoli is something like that the the sausage and the thing

I used to go by the last stop up the corner by the old houston last stop They used to make the best jalapeno ones. Oh my god It was all crunchy. I used to get a dozen of those fucking things with two cans of coke For breakfast I do coke those 61 and pistol Pete Would drive me like whatever house Pistol Pete would drive me over. I got a dozen of those things and two cans of coke though Or if not, we go to the place down waste gray That the breakfast place that the guy owned with the greek guy that hated everybody

That would tell you to hurry up and order. What do you want to order? Hey, I don't know. What do you have every up in order to every up? I don't have time for this shit And white people would run the fuck out of that What the fuck are those things in houston again? I always eat them I just had them when I was down at deliciously tequitos. What's that? What should I search? Oh Shriplies appear called shriplies I don't fucking know. Don't make me call people. I always forget shit

Anyway, no, no, they haven't been a lot of play how he did the houston improv twice I did the old one once and this one this last fucking time Yeah, no, no, no That's the plan. I didn't even like they had the shriplies shriplies don't yeah. Yeah, what do they have? What's in that place? What's that's a place? Yeah, peyotes. What's it called? Shiply donuts. I know, but there's something like a hot dog. What's the name? Yeah, it's a sausage Okay, that's a weird name. Yeah, like a cannoli frimboli I don't think they have their fucking manual

Hold on we I'll look for the it's not on their website. Hold on. Yes, this I forget what the fuck the name is What's going on with you for like what are you doing next? What are you shooting your next special? Oh, man, I hope you'll shoot my next special this year sometime in december. We're at. Um, we don't know yet How many specials have you shot just one collages collages collages collages What's in them collage factory shipply right there collage factory, you know But shiplies is a place that sells collage. Yeah, but everybody sells collages But there's a place called the collage factory. That's really good. They have they call the whole was

I don't fucking know. They got uh, sausage and cheese collage jalapeno and cheese plain sausage jalapeno sausage and cheese ham and cheese Sausage and cheese Dude and pulled pork. It's real tough, man. I don't eat pulled pork on the outside. You don't know what the fuck you're eating It says pulled pork. Everyone loves pulled pork. I try to like it every once a year I try to eat it and it's always terrible if you're gonna eat pulled pork get either place that specializes pulled pork

Yeah, when you tell me you went the subway and got the pulled pork sandwich I feel fucking bad for you when you tell me you went to some white joint and got the pulled pork That's who eats pulled pork in LA. That's why nobody eats fucking spareribs in california Because you can't sell them enough. Nobody eats fucking spareribs. You go to eat in jersey That's the first thing you only get a small order air group pork fried rice and fucking egg drop soup Nobody eats pork out here dog. So you gotta you want pulled pork? You gotta go to a place like in grad like grand central market in downtown LA You're gonna find that chubby greasy looking mexican dude

That's wearing like a butcher's shirt And our oldest though a dodger had with no head no no head back nothing in the back, you know What's the name of that street in downtown grand central market on broadway? No, no, no There's like it's a mexican street olivera street olivera street. No, that was fun. You got some good flautas there It was creepy. It was some of it like like the like leather store They like like I had a store just of like the hat the masks for the wrestlers That's a cool place. Did you get a little wrestling match? No, I was I was going to see if you have a wrestling match you could go by paulis tonight

And just kick the fucking door down and tell him you hate the sling dick and they they're from mexican tradition I'm not only white people these people know So who gives a fuck you gotta go over there and boss them around tell them you're the boss here You're the captain clerk of the enterprise and shit. Yeah clearly go take the door to home with you tonight You don't leave paul at home alone right from here go over there beep the horn Yo, adrian come down Just hard bro play something set the fanatic. No, we're gonna like that You text paul right now

Put on something sexy. I'm coming to get you Shit Should be ready for paul. She just dictated the evening. Are you sitting there like a ha? You don't know paul No, because I know women And every woman likes to feel special. Uh, huh right now. She's thinking she's going to bed. You gotta write her a note I'm gonna suck your fucking pussy. You gotta send her a text class tomorrow. That's what we're going to what time is class tomorrow three

Can you believe this is what I do Three in the afternoon go So how long does it take to get ready for class 10 minutes? Call her up right now tell her you're picking her up tonight to wear some silky fucking panties Then you bring it to your fucking pussy. You bring it to your house wake up in the morning You take her for breakfast nice and you fucking drop her off and you have the whole day You gotta fuck with her at lunchtime till three you have to shake the whole night. You gotta make a living You gotta if you pick her up tonight, you guarantee the piece ass

You guarantee another piece ass for breakfast Then you take her to denny's you give her three pieces of bacon some pancakes You get her building back up her caloric intake and her protein from the stabbing the jude dick gave her And it's all over you understand me you drop her ass off and you go to fucking jujitsu That's it. That's how you do it You're gonna waste your time and pick it up tomorrow drop 40 and you're not gonna get no chocha You know, you're not getting chocha. Am I gonna take her out? You gotta do nothing

Well, you want to go? Well, let's go. Let's go to the time place like a fucking half a fruit cake tonight She got nowhere to go every avenue. She turns this dick Every everything around she's like Pat Benetton in that video. I'm coming around the corner There's dick everywhere. You pick her up tonight beep the horn. She'll come down. You take her home Eat some popcorn with her the fuck shit you eat at night and you give her that fucking stomach Yeah from leap by lee israeli dick and you wake up in the morning before she knows what's going on You're another fucking stabbing Come on you get up you wash your helmet you take care of yourself

You tell her get up and you take her to denny's and you get two grand slams You get four items for whatever the fuck who's better than my bro. Come on What do you think for leaping? This guy wants to wake up home lonely tonight. You're all warmed up. You did thc You got a little nut bag right now. You gotta go pick her up man. Wack off by yourself like a fuck the momo They're gonna go pick her up man. Bring her home and wash her feet A glass for that three o'clock. I can see if a glass was at feet nine Class is at three

Go grab this thing by the fucking horns. Were you? He has a point lee Seriously lee you gotta fucking grab this by the fucking horns. Huh? You don't know paula won't tell her who the fuck lee is There's some cinnamon inside the oven, bro You gotta tell her who the fuck lee is tell you picking up me. I'll stop by yum yum donuts You gotta lure these motherfuckers. What if you were a pedophile? Will you just show up with a van? No, you gotta have movies and fucking Fishing lines and toys try her to make your kalachi, bro ice cream same thing The fuck is wrong. We give her the kalachi's for the cheech. You don't you don't know paula. I know paula show up with some ice

Hey Tell her to come down. She'll fucking come down. She's starving right now. There ain't nothing to eat in that fucking house She's starving right now. It's 10 o'clock at fucking night. You know paula Yeah, fucking mo mo she go to the gym today. Yeah. Yeah, she's fucking starving right now Yeah, they got lettuce and fruit sticks. Well, let me tell you something You show up with three chocolate yum yum donuts and a fucking bikini on We're a little half a pint of that fucking diet ice cream. You're like Tell me she's gonna stay upstairs late

Are you fucking with it? See what I'm saying? I gotta take you from avenue a to avenue z every fucking week on a different topic But do you go on a date? That's what I heard he signed up to fucking mexicanheritage.com He picked up a nice message. I'm gonna read it. He's on e bones and thugs and harmony You had text that we'll talk over here text Tell her it's donuts and dick night till he say at residence just like that Tell her about the egg flare. Tell her you want to get her excited. I gotta tell her that you have a surprise for So it keeps her on tune

And then take a picture you dick tell her before you go Take a picture you dick and go to yum yum donuts and tell her it's dick and donut night at the cost of fucking sciatica You know I'm saying that's not like a song dick and donut ducking down at night That's it. Lee you got to start breaking this shit down. You walk around on ice cubes around She might get mad She's not gonna get mad, but well, she doesn't she don't have class till three in the afternoon She wants to sit there like a victim with a mom

Tell me you wouldn't want to eat something and eat her ass tonight Tell me the truth. You don't want to get rid of a little stabbing I would but I also kind of want to just go home and do what sit down We want to eat pepperoni sandwiches by yourself like a fucking Charles Brock Are you telling me every time you get high you want to go home and and do all that? My wife's sleeping. I'm in no danger. Yeah, my wife's 46 years old with a two-year-old I can't wake my wife up with a million dollars to get me a stabbing. Yeah, you you're a 26 year old man When I was 26 you think I

You are your toilet of your life It's amazing how people always say, you know, I wish I was 26 or whatever these guys I don't wish I was 26. I just want the opportunities that they got, you know So then to understand that 26, you're not married to not she lives with her mother You can do whatever the fuck you want at this point right now. This is your fucking world You call her up right now. This is what 26 year olds do I never I'm running this here tomorrow Who gives a fuck fuck tomorrow everything changes. This is how your world is it all changes You gotta keep them always shaving that pussy keeping it tight. She's probably at home right now fucking farting in it and shit

Farting backwards and pajamas. It's going into a pussy. It's fermenting It smells like burrito juice and a sweat from the gym But if you call up right now, so look I have some donuts for you and some dick Take a shower and wash that fucking monkey. It's all over the shop She won't ever sit like that again because you always keep running fucking whatever. What about tomorrow? What about tomorrow? I got business tomorrow. You're gonna break the routine tomorrow's my last day here. I got no time for romance I gotta leave at eight o'clock. I'm gonna hook up with you for five six hours. I got no time for Let me give you a stab in time tomorrow

We got breakfast and then you go your way. I go mine and everybody's happy. That's how pimp moves his hand He's got a deal though Crazy Hell yeah, what's up Felipe? What's up fool? I can't call it. What are you gonna give up this vegan shit? Eat a taco. I don't know man. We need you to taco break it down though. It's over No more vegan shit. Nothing's happening I'm doing good man. Why do you become a vegan for what to do? What this thing you don't shit? Well, but you've always liked fucking me always man. Okay. Call her up

Tough text to tell you it's over. You got that you dick on fucking I'm on fire and I'm fire and shit. She knows She knows nothing. You say I live with dog Well, he gets mad at me. He's like, how can you talk? I'm not mad at you. You know, I'm right I'm just trying to get you the right thing economically And fucking fit the whole thing to how to drive all the way back and forth the fan She likes the bus You said she likes the bus. She likes walking around. It's a perfect opportunity

Who gives a fuck take a chance columbus dish. That'll be one story to tell Charles Bronson lives in van eyes. You know what I'm saying? There's a fucking There's a vigilante out there guarding the streets She could uber it over here. That's right uber You have to imagine that send an uber over there like a pimp. That's what You're right new mature. Hey A real 26 year old does he sends over a player, bro And you can tell them listen there's an extra 10 in there

You gotta be make sure you show up with the fucking macarena You got a man like you get a thing like um, like sam kinnison said or I know I'm never gonna be the best, but I gotta ruin it for the next guy So you gotta be better than the next guy not better than the last guy. Fuck the last guy the last guy's gone That's gonna better be better than the next guy. What's the matter? What are you looking at me on paranoid phone all scared? What's going on with you? What do you mean what's going on with you? You gave me 375 milligrams. Why do you count the milligram? You see me counting? Counting milligrams is like dropping names. You just say I ate a bunch of fucking things and got high

What's with the dropping names? I ate 392 I deserve credit for what I eat the fuck credit credit is in your eyeballs show me eyeballs That's what a fucking credit is. All right. I can't see my eyeballs. Let me give some shout out to you I got no glasses. So if I fuck it up, I'm sorry wait till dusk, you know, I love you cocksucker Kayla Sheldon, I love you too. I don't know see what happened. I don't fucking glasses in my lanas

Nolan Raul Herrera, you know, I love you bobby Sharon with the fucking t-shirts and crystal. I love you great powers and Lynn stay black. Thank you th3 h1jh, I love you too and Dinah Mateo, you know, I love you too. You little sexy asian savage over there on facebook I'm trying bro. I can't see what on my glasses. I thought I left them in the car when I went in the car

They weren't in there. I got my backups, but I'm not going down to the get them You know I'm saying what these guys got here before I can get the party started I'm shooting my first specialist weekend thing is I don't know how I'm gonna do it Felipe. I have no idea what I'm doing I have a little bit of confidence in it. I'm just gonna go up there and go fucking crazy. That's it I don't give a fuck if Netflix buy it. I don't give a fuck You understand me? I'm going to this is for me and my main man The flying juke. How was your show at the ice house? Not good the run through the run through. Listen, there isn't in my world

There's no run through you think that you're gonna run through and then you get there and something else fucking happens And you're taking a different direction So there was no run through I have an idea what I'm doing I have an idea the order I want to do it and I got to tell a story But I'm excited. I'm just doing it to do this. You just got to do it Sometimes you got to do it out of your pocket to see what it's really like and that's what I'm doing I'm taking a fucking chance columbus didn't so I've had to do everything, you know, like I'd call Lydia night after I dropped them off like

I broke it down to leave what's gonna happen what we're gonna hear and what's gonna happen You know, there's always in the 15 17 years. I've been here There's always somebody pulling my string and at the end they tell you the fucking truth The best I've done is when I've taken this into my own hands And I've imploded my fucking philosophies and my street philosophies With what the same shit they're telling me that's the best I've ever done out of it But these people are giving you advice. They don't know dick. They don't know dick, you know It's like a stock broker. You can tell you what the fuck he wants from reading charts

It's at the end of the week. It's we It's what you bring to the fucking table. You know what I'm saying? Buy it I'm never going back to Georgia What's up fool? I have a web series, bro. I wrote up me and my wife. We have a web series But you're gonna start that show with this So if you sell this web series, you know, it's still give me credit. Oh, yeah Okay, look at you here. Uh, let's fuck an engine. You believe this little producer credit

Producer and writer credit. Maybe Yeah, it's like I got Lisa. I got a little bubble star. I don't know what he's getting What he's getting the first little shot out give my first ad credit. I don't know yet. Yeah Triple ad triple ad triple og. I like it And when is the web series start october 5th is called the shop It's about um me working at them at um weed dispensary and they just shot We shot it all on green screen, but it looks pretty good Um

Or jigos in it. Yeah, man. We have a bunch of um chris toran. He's my sidekick and we just um We just it's like the office was shot in a dispensary So Are you in me dealing with customers every day selling pot? Selling, um, you know medicine for people and dealing with regular stuff The it's a it's a short web series. It's only like two minutes long Every episode is only like two minutes long. How many episodes seven Look at your half a season half a season baby the fucking fucking room. What's up, Lee?

I don't know Felipe fight like finance the first thing we did Oh, one of the first things we did was a documentary executive executive executive producer. That's right What's up fool and how many years later? Look at me still doing this thing. Yeah, man And i'm being um denver next week the comedy works Headlining there for the first time playboy. Can you go back there? Yeah, I was just there They stole me. Can you go back to Seattle? No, Seattle's off limits. I'm trying to

Um, I'm trying to see Even if I get the warrant in seattle off What got my options in canna? Are they still gonna say no? I'm not gonna pay a bunch of money go to seattle warrant down Then they're gonna tell me no for canada and my passport for cuba and I spent that money. I really listen It's not that I hate seattle It's not anything like that. I'm the type of guy, bro. Then once you move forward, you don't go back That's it. Seattle me it just didn't work out, man

I if I tell you the five arrests that I got arrested for in seattle, you'll sit there and go joy How'd this happen jaywalking? Uh a stolen car Domestic fucking violence. I'm not a domestic violence type of motherfucker I'll choke you, you know No, no, I'm not a domestic violence type of guy, bro. That's never been my ammo I had domestic violence that turned into three different fucking things, man. That's not never been my fucking ammo at all So

It's like a place that you know, it was a dark place with me. How did you get a stolen car? You don't I It was like good and bad like I really got I really found myself as a comic there in a way right from there. I moved to LA It went over that hump. I couldn't do it in Denver So seattle served me as purpose, but it's one of those places that you've been there You did it and you move on to middle school. Yeah, take middle school once you've gone through it You don't want to fucking go back and that's how I feel guys

I feel like that about a lot of places I've been to that said i'm 52 How much longer do I have on this planet? I want to go to places. I'm really not crazy about Or the places that I feel comfortable in you know that I have a good time at I don't care how much you pay me doing this shit. If I don't have a good time time in your fucking town I don't want to fucking be there, you know I like Seattle. I had a great time there. Nothing like that. It was just a bad luck fucking city for me, you know It'd be nice if you could have the opportunity Like even even if you don't do it

Well, I'm not in Seattle, but other places like what? Like you just have canoing anywhere. Listen, let me ask you something guys You know me a long time. I want to do something. I do it When I have the opportunities to fly to those places I had zero interest in doing it You follow me? I've always been one of those people listen Four hours on the plane I do it now because I have to do it and I've learned how to Sit on the plane, but do you think I'm one of those motherfuckers unless

I don't even know what what it'd be worth for me to sit on a plane for 16 hours. Damn 16 hours Joey Diaz on the plane 16 fucking hours Why is that so terrible because it's you see for you you just watch movies and you don't give a fuck You lay there like a bump on a log by the time they come to wake you up You're like, can we do this back? I don't even want to get off the plane. I want to do another 16 hours I can't sit there for 16 hours I have a hard time on that flight from Atlanta that way. That's like six hours for a lot of deltale

Those are six hour fucking flights DC to LA. Those are six hour flights. You know, you could you could mind fuck yourself for two Even when I go super high with a star Super high. I plan my highs and everything. I eat an edible when I'm on the plane. I eat two more So you the first two you get there your breakfast and you watch a movie Right, that's your first two and your next two. Maybe you take out a pad You get the iPod out the iPad. You listen to music. You're fucking high as fuck Those last two hours are brutal. You check facebook. You check twitter You write a little bit, but you're still sitting the fuck down, bro. You're hungry

You don't want no fucking peanuts. You don't want nothing that they got after that those sandwiches are horrific All you want to do is fucking land, bro And now after those six hours, guess what? I got another tent to come to your fucking country to do what? Another hour through immigration. I got to walk Then I got to find food I like People listen, just forget it. It's not gonna work out. I went to Jamaica that the next thing I do the same thing when you're leaving Yeah, well, I went to Jamaica that time and I saw those chickens How skinny they were and how they were walking around dog. I didn't even need at the hotel

Then I went to McDonald's. I didn't trust the burgers. Once I go international. It's not good for young joey people I don't trust shit. I really don't I've never liked it even Hawaii as a kid I went to hawaii with a bag of coke dog Wasn't for me It was a different time. I'm gonna have to go now with the baby and the wife But at that time I was like a baby powder At that time when I was 21 22, I It's after three days. Okay. Now we did it. We had some drinks. We giggled

I got to eat more days in this fucking island walking around rubbing coconut juice on me to get sun Fuck out of here. Put me on a plane back I remember I took a gig to Amsterdam man to rudder them And man, I was I don't know. I didn't know it was like an 11 hour flight And man, I fought with my girlfriend the time the whole time So that kind of made the flight go faster On the plane the time we landed were you on with that crazy chick? Yeah, well the time we landed we broke up The little one the fireball. Yeah

Yeah, that chick was fucking nuts. We broke up. We broke up when we landed, bro In Amsterdam. Yeah, and then you flew back and you hooked back up with no, we broke up I missed my flight because I um What after I did my set I disappeared bro. I disappeared and ruddered them And I started bro. I walked into a black bar and they were singing. They were playing that I would say I had to say black bar because it was only black people in there And I walked in there and they were playing that song If loving you were right. I don't want to be wrong

And um, I walked in there man and I started like singing with them and um I went like I said man, there was a guy by the bar like Joe Diaz said There was a guy by the bar there. Did you get some drugs? Yes I just walked up to him. What kind of drugs did you get? I'd shit my pants if I was international out of cop drugs He gave me out that I couldn't do why would it be different because you ever see locked up abroad

Yeah, you're gonna get locked up. That's why it's fucking different cocksuckers. I don't know the rules Did you get my piece of brown here? I'm not having any more edibles. You got no choice. I do have to You gotta call paula. Yeah, I'm sorry. What happens? What'd you cop? I he gave me a coke But I'm out. I don't rocked up already or powder powder No, shit Yeah, man, but I didn't know and I went to the I went to the other club to do it

I don't want to do it there and then um, I met this other guy there And he took me to a house And and we were just walking we met these two whores bro like these two crazy chicks And you met two whores? Yeah Like they wanted a party and he goes hey, I want to have party. We know a play we do more blow That's all right We went to it was Jamaican guy and these two girls

And once we got there man, this dude got butt naked fast, bro I was like, I was waiting for the drugs man Like a bro can we can we like, you know get high first? Can my nose get naked too? But I but yeah, man, and I stood there from night from 11 10 o'clock at night To like 7 11 o'clock in the morning. I missed my flight And my group my my chick at the time flew out without me

Bitches, bitches. I know why we can't have two flights missed, right? That's what she ended up flying. Oh, I was in Rotterdam, man And I stood at this house And I knew like somehow when you when you're a drug addict it's like You you don't it doesn't take you that Long to find drugs like when you want them You just know the right people like your brain is programmed, you know

To find the right people Like we're the the guy at the bar or some random guy Smoking a cigarette with you you make a connection with his eyeballs and you know, man Like this guy could get me what I want So I missed my flight And we broke up And I did I smoked heroin there at that house for the first time Out of aluminum foil, man

What was that shit? That was good I threw up right away. I gotta lie threw up I threw up like five times at that house, but a lot of people you have money man and you keep spending they don't kick you out Do you throw up every time I threw up every time I smoke crack for the first time I don't know why could they feel like I went on top of a roller coaster and did three flips and came back down And you still want to do the journey? Yeah I want to do more. I want to throw up again. You have no idea how

When you're on that drug journey and you commit to that drug journey What your life really becomes it becomes a little horror you bump into other people that like you That's the scary thing when you bump into other people that just like you And they know where I lived in Seattle towards the end And I wouldn't be with carol when I would stay with the cook from the underground It was like three days of being with that dude. What's that move with Johnny Depp and the fucking guy, but he should go toro Fear and loathing. Yeah, who's that about?

It's like hanging out with him for three days You don't know what you're gonna do. You might snort ups. You might do heroin You might find blow. I would wake up in the middle of the night. His window was broken He had uh, he lived in a warehouse And one of those redone warehouses where you got to pull the fucking elevator down and Pull the string up to the floor loft and shit And I remember waking up in the middle of the night. He's had two black guys smoking crack In the corner and just paying rent for a couple hours

To smoke crack in the corner. That's how cool This dude was but you never knew what you were gonna He would charge them to smoke or come down and wake you up joey. These guys got crack Let's smoke with them and oh you have to man what Like if like if there's a there's a guy like if there's a guy There's always a guy there Who's selling the drugs who doesn't live there?

But if you're buying drugs in that house, you gotta share it with the people who there like the owner of the house They gotta give him a little kibble, you know fucking a little corner The just stare at you bro forever the drug fucking world when you're in it when you're in it And you don't mind what you're gonna see and what's cool Like I I remember going to studio 54 on a thursday night one time And my friend's going my friend's going they do blow In the ladies bathroom

And going into the ladies bathroom the place was huge And there were every bad people just doing coke and one more coming in going to a box sitting down peeing and walking right out But when I was looking at those people in that back room That basically they were just as fucked up as I was just doing coke In somebody's bathroom, but I remember all those stories All those dealers those bar people we met by a all those all those fucking dealers man

I never today. I don't hate not one of them. Remember the guy in houston and the old last Little chicken away the dark pool with a shaved head and his nephew was david That's the thought that showed up to hook me up at three in the afternoon That was like a button. Lee wake up your fuck He was like a militant bike a mexican dog and he'd bring your coke on thursday night and buy either was house for cooking the next day And one day I went over and they were fucking cooking mexicans cooking dog meat fucking beans rice making that pool pork Fuck no, I don't need that shit on the house going off and shit

Yeah, man, I've had some great dealers, you know, and I wish them all the love in the world and That's what they did when you talk to them and get to know them It's really interesting why they sell drugs. How often did they get arrested? You know, I didn't I didn't really ask them about their resume. Lee I didn't really think it was like Well, you were we Did you ever none of would you ever Just be around and then your drug dealer you arrested and you have to find a new drug dealer like you have to Well, these guys were drug dealers when I went into different cities. Yeah, but like kids I grew up with

Yeah, you take a pinch you take a scare You you know something happens. Listen, most people don't make it in it for 30 or 40 years Most people don't do it. They're smart enough to get the fuck out There's people that have figured out a way to do it and stay under that line Just to make a little extra money. Maybe it's but to them. It's a lot of fucking money To them. It's a lot of fucking money. I went to school with a kid That when I was getting into that whole drug thing the guy was talking about patty D That's what this kid was getting his coke from

That kid today still forgets fucked up I don't think he deals anymore, but I know that he could hook people up And I know that he owns like a couple plumbing companies and he's got a girlfriend out here a russian chick He's my age. We're like a 20 year old girlfriend out here So he made a ton of fucking money selling drugs. It's a ton. I mean, I don't advocate it, but again Who buys How the reason why I ask about was making 66 million dollars a day Was because guys like us were fucking doing the drug. That's the bottom fucking line

That's the bottom fucking line To that amount every day. That's crazy. The fuckers like to get high though People like to get high bro when that when cocaine came on the scene those style of drugs It was a huge impact How much how much would you spend a week? When my mother first died And I was a sophomore in high school in the very beginning. I was probably spending 100,000 a week 400 a month. Are you thinking 400 hours?

Today is a lot of money a month. I was in high school Because I was buying 250s. I would buy like a 50 on a tuesday And split it with two of us and another 50 on thursday and split it And then as you got older As I got older I I spent money, but I also find ways to do the drug on other people's money Oh, yeah, yeah, so I said that before You know, so I'm just trying to think all right, so I get an eight ball I get three and a half grams for

150 dollars, right? All right, let's pretend I get three and a half grams for 200 dollars. Okay, but you get a gram for 100 Okay, you come to me. You want a gram? I charge you 100 He comes to me. He wants a gram I get him 100 I go buy the eight ball give it to you as is and I still get a gram and a half just for taking the ride I make more than you For taking the fucking ride and when you pay the 100 dollars for

That's how I dealt I dealt the two friends that I knew just to help me deal So I would sit at home and also like if I knew That somebody was getting good coke. I'd beat you That was my job. I was a junkie. I'd have to bet your league where you're going today I'm staying home with paul. Listen. Fuck paul. This one's going on. The Armenian just called me He's got a fucking batch of coke that'll knock you for a loop So I would try to bait your scent your addictive sense of you know

Really really well once you want to charge for a gram 100 dollars Okay, what time are you gonna meet me? I'll meet you in 10 minutes. I got your hundred I got your hundred nine in another hundred to get an eight ball You're following me. So you're not really a drug dealer. I'm not gonna go to jail to get a gram for Felipe. That's my brother You don't know it. He don't give a fuck. He's good. He wants 100 dollars. He don't give a fuck how we get it That's what I talk about dealing That's a different type of deal. I was just trying to like imagine how many people had to be buying how much coke to

Buy to need 65 million dollars tonight when you go home Get the fucking calculus at your computer college graduate figure out 52 states And figure out what how much a key was in 1985 In 1985 and just in the corner like you said in the corner where I was hanging all that They did a little raid Luckily, I had a bad ankle when I was in there They they estimated these kids where I was hanging out at just on that little half a block

They were estimated. They were making 65 thousand dollars a month And so Georgia was right man the block the block is the mafia lost control When they got away from the street trade They lost the control to the immigrant gangs. Nobody was taxing. Nobody nobody was taxing. Nobody more no more And that's where your money is if you told me today. Listen, there's a there's a uh an interesting book About the guy who came out 94 the last dawn. What was his name joy masina Joy masina came out of prison the first thing he did was closed all the social clubs

He did like three things that was just unheard of done no more for us to survive This is what we have to do But one of the things he didn't do was control the streets You have to control those fucking streets because if not the latin kings You know f66 or you know, again, that's what they do. They make money all street sales when you go down here at night Instead of making a fucking left out here Right make a right and go up there and go on that street and go fucking up a few miles See what happens. See what it turns into

Give it four or five miles and see if there's a kid on the street And he's walking real slow like making believe he's looking for a dime Go ahead pull over and ask him that you you're lost I dare you pull over and go i'm lost. Is that all you'd ask? Because I used to look for somebody walking. That's it. How you doing? I'm lost. I'm looking for north hollywood. Oh Make it right. Hey, bro. You need anything. What are you talking about? I could go for a solo. No, no You want some grass or some coke or something?

There you go And while you sell some he'll tell you i'm here every night And then you go away and you come back a weekly and there he is doing the same shit looking for a nickel It's fucking amazing I wonder how you learn and the guy that's watching him is the guy at the bodega His stash isn't at the bodega his stash is upstairs But the bodega guy is watching that block. So he's watching this block that guy So right now you got three guys on four different corners. That's 11 o'clock at night

If the cops pull up them we're sitting outside talking shit about comedy. What are you guys doing on here? You guys drinking? No, no We just said we don't want to go home. We just we work days And after a while the cops will leave you alone. It's not till they get a complaint All right, there's three guys out there two in the morning chasing cars One of the last guys I was buying coke from was a guy that sold coke on sunset and western Fucking crazy mexican I met him in el compadre one night in the back. He was sweating profusiously and shit because he would run And he told me he was I don't hang here. I hang behind

Western and sunset just go there and drive around a few times. I'll see your car. There's a mcdonalds on the corner He would be living in those bushes, bro. That's not a fucking fake story I tell on stage that the guy would run up to me and fucking that he pulled me over And then without me saying a word, you know how white dealers go to you. Are you a police officer? You have to tell me by law This guy would push it to the next level He would just take a coke rock out of the satchel and put it in your fucking nose before you said anything There was no chance you tell him whether you were a cop or not A little taste a little taste and he put it up in your fucking nose

You'd be fucking gagging to that and then he'd go get get his way $50 worth he grew the cheap shit and he'd go in his bag and he put it right in your hand It was a nice rock. No wrapper. No fucking aluminum foil. No nothing And then you got back in your car and you just drove back to my fucking house How do you like them there? Fuck. Oh, I remember one time it was hot with that dude around And you said I want you how looking for stuff. You said Felipe A cop for the road three times and look there was three cops Waiting for somebody to come out of your apartment

Yeah, there was some real like four cops and you were level and the little Mexican dude had just shown up You gotta have those type of eyes I know what the fucking cops are because the Carlitos way said the streets are always watching always watching Let me give a shout out to these sponsors. Get the fuck out of here Number one my main people over it on it always supporting you with nutritious Fucking unbelievable What am I talking about nutritious? I'm talking about honor, baby. Number one and complete earth-grown new tropics. You got beautiful alpha brain

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Yeah, I got four pair of me on these At my house I worm when I go to jujitsu or the gym why because it takes the moisture away from my nutsack my asshole It keeps everything nice and fucking I'm sorry. I don't know what the material is And the motherfucking me on these Bodo What is it? Bodo. I don't know what the fucking is

But I would tell you one thing about me on these. They're comfortable as well I Sorry about that people I was joking on something there's fucking dust the allergens in the room Like I said on it, but number two For comfortable tremendous underwear Go to me on these they got women and men's underwear t-shirts Shorts hooded sweatshirts if they fucking don't have the comfortable stuff I got these pair of red warm-up pants that they sent me that I was comfortable as all hell

Do you understand me the the fucking The uh the boxers shirts they have the women on these Comfortable as hell the thing I like about me on these the most is the way they fit they're comfortable I don't have them on right now. I could lie that they have my me on these on right now No, I don't I have them on when I work out because they may You ever go to the fucking good jujitsu to the gym And your shorts fall and your your pants aren't comfortable any other underwear I take to a gym feel fucking uncomfortable when I wear me on these they feel fucking great and when I leave there

It's not like they're all damp my nuts are sweaty nothing like that. I mean it is nice and dry Everything is nice and dry nice and moist So do me a favor go to me on these right now Go look at the fine selection of men and women on the way as they have they're gonna give you 20% off your first order And free shipping in canola and the united states go to me on these right now and press them what my brother joey Joey joey y and get 20% off your first order right and free fucking shipping nobody else does that in the business to your door Underwear comfortable great colors. They fit great Determined what happened shipping is expensive. Yeah shipping is real fucking. They even went up again

Yeah, you ship a lot of stuff, right? Yeah fucking prices went up again The ship of mug to england is like 22 fucking dollars. You might as well drink it out of your hand And shit listen Every week marketing changes on me all I know is one thing Nature box has great goddamn snacks those jalapeno gashu's Those chocolate yum-yums the vanilla almond granola. I mean these things are world class nutritious Delicious snacks. Okay. The thing about nature boxes. It gets delivered to your door right to your home You don't have to go to a grocery and get through about your walk through a grow

You want everything you want to just go home and it be that this happens with nature box naturebox.com delivers fresh nutritious boxes Straight to your house. I mean like I said the vanilla almond granola The the plant the south pacific plantain chips I mean they got stuff that'll blow your mind the great stuff about nature box Is that they cut keep adding stuff every week every time you go you can switch up the order, but listen do me a favor My personal favorites so far have to be the jalapeno gashu's that they fucking blew my mind where they taste like Like jalapeno gashu's. That's what they tell you they're gonna taste like filet mignon cocksucker And I like the sesame sticks. They're always gonna be my favorite, but do me a big favor, right?

They also have the smart snack guarantee if there's anything you don't like Let the helpful folks at naturebox.com know and they replace the box. They'll replace it in there in your next box So do me a do me a favor right now. I can't read without my glasses. I'm terrible at but just work with me So go online get your first box at naturebox.com slash joey, okay? That's naturebox.com slash joey That's naturebox.com Slot.com slash joey right now To unbox a world of taste and possibility that comes delivered to your door one last time That's naturebox.com slash joey and get your first box first box of beyond tasty handpicked snacks

Direct to your doorstep, right and remember the smart snack Guaranteed that's all I need to tell you guys today. So we beyond these On it and naturebox.com. I love you guys. I thank Felipe for coming on the show. So fool. Don't forget this week And I'm in Vegas Uh, third Friday saturday sunday saturday nights when I'm taping the special New york city is sold out next week the two shows that got them And then I just lead off funny bone. All right. Stay black. I want to thank rodry grow my main man Torres Yeah, man. Good. Oh, yeah. Thank you for coming up tonight and giggling cocksuck always a pleasure to have you here

We're gonna be some pissing motherfuckers. We drank a lot of god water. Oh, yeah, that's those elbows. They dehydrate You could plug the shows in west nyack. Yeah levity live one of they We're gonna be at levity live in west nyack october 22nd to 25th. That's me and rodrigo and um parlor bar in seattle in washington october 8 through the 10 river center comedy clubs at antonio texas november 4th Number number fifth to the 8th. You can see all our shows at philiper's world.com rodrigo and I we have a podcast. It's called what's up full podcast

This week we have um john sattley. Oh, yeah from sports center. Fuck it And all that shit beautiful. I'm excited We can food share and then I I just put up a new flying g-radio with joe pares. That's great. I'm real fucking excited George pares What are you gonna close with? You you said Pat bansar. Go ahead brothers. I love you guys. Stay black. Thank you very much. Listen to the church. See you lots

What's so fool and see you next week. What's so cool? Yeah, man Don't forget about us now that the show's over. Don't forget to go to naturebox.com And check out all the great snacks like barbecue kettle kernels Go to naturebox.com slash joey and get your first box Head to naturebox.com slash joey right now to unbox world a world of taste and possibility And one last time let's naturebox.com slash joey Put your first box of beyond tasty and pick snacks and directly to your doorstep

And remember the smart snack guarantee takes the risk out of snacking So if you don't like it, they send you a replacement. So that's pretty cool Go to me on these comm slash joey And get 20% off of your first order of all the great men and women's underwear t-shirts socks sweat pants And when you go to me on these comm slash joey, not only are you gonna get 20% off of your first order You're gonna get free shipping in the united states again what's up You go to audit.com use copper church to get 10% off all the great optimization products

That guy will bring new moods from taking me in from tech sport Go to church You don't know I'm gonna follow Do I know Oh Oh Oh

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