Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #320 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: September 28, 2015

  Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio.   This podcast is brought to you by:   Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/joey to get your first two meals free   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   MeUndies.com Go to meundies.com/joey for 20% off.   Recorded live on 09/27/2015.

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The church is here. September 27, Sunday night. You guys will get this Monday morning. You don't know what the fuck happened tonight. Oh, shit. Bring that milkshake, motherfucker. Suck it. Oh.

Oh, yeah. He licks my nuts. She drinks my goo. Here we go. Church, what's happened now, you bad motherfuckers? This is here. Sunday night edition. What the fuck is happening, Lisa, yet?

Oh, I don't know. I have no idea what's about to happen. Nothing's gonna happen. You're just gonna sit there like a fucking momo. It's great to be back. I'm sorry about missing last Wednesday. I was on my way to New York City, so we just ran out of time. So we figured we'd catch up when you wake up

to some fucking great podcasting on a Monday morning, start your day off on the right fucking foot. Oh, school, you know what I'm saying? Just me and the flying Jew. New York City was fucking great. I mean, the last 10 days have been hard for people. We're asking, we shot a special in Vegas last week. I basically came home, did a few workouts, had some auditions,

packed and went right back to New York. The special, you know, Lisa's putting it together now. We gotta still shoot a wrap around, so it's gonna be a while. So I know that you guys, I'm very proud of the thoughts and the support and the questions, but special won't be around till maybe December, maybe end of November. We'll keep you posted here.

But New York City was just fucking sensational. You texted me. That's how I know it's good is when you text me, you text me pictures of all the chans dragging in. Oh, right. So jealous. Is that where you started? Started.

They picked me up at Kennedy, went to the hotel, checked in, which is the first time I stayed at this home with sweets. And it was just phenomenal. Fucking, I'm close to Rudy's, I'm close to the Cuban joint, which delivered to my hotel room. So here's the question I had. If you went to 100 places, 99 of them, you would stay next door to the club.

This is the only place that you go, that you take a trip to go. Well, the problem is that if I stay in New York City, I won't come over to see my family. Oh. I'm that lazy. I'm that fucking lazy. So what I do is I compromise. I go back on Wednesday and Thursday is my New York day.

I go to Open Anthony. After an Open Anthony, I run some errands. What I did instead of Open Anthony was this week, I was going to go to Jiu Jitsu, but instead I took the A train uptown. I walked around 148th Street. I didn't go, I was going to go to 86th Street and go see my grammar school and stuff.

Yeah. But I really wanted to walk around 140th Street. I walked down the hill. I looked at Riverside Drive. I walked up the hill and then I took a cab up to fucking George Washington Bridge and I took the bus over and then my buddy picked me up and went to eat Cuban food.

I took a couple of ferries. Yeah, I saw that. Which was fucking dynamite, you know, right from Edgewater or Weehawken. I took the ones from Edgewater right in, took them right back. They're nice. I took that before.

I think I went to go visit NYU or something. We stayed in, right across. Wherever that ferry dropped you off. There's a hotel right there. Right there. That's one thing I definitely miss about the East Coast. I mean, it wasn't hard for you to get back into New York or I can't imagine.

You could get back from New York every 15 fucking minutes. Could you take that ferry back at like three in the morning? No, no, no. I think during the week it's one. On the weekend it's one and during the week the last one is 12, 10 back. Still. But it was dynamite.

Just getting on there at night. Listen, anybody who knows New York City or Boston or that part of the country. September, May and April are just beautiful times of the year to be on the East Coast. For me, this was every time I go home, I've always told people that if you're having a problem in your life, you're having doubts, you're having insecurities,

maybe you have mental problems, do yourself a favor. Some people instead of hanging out, put some dough together and go back to where you're from. I don't care if it's Toledo, Ohio. I don't care if it's Quincy Mass. I don't care if it's fucking somewhere in Iowa or Mankato, Minneapolis, Minnesota. I'm sorry, or Boise, Idaho.

When you go home after being gone, after being an adult, it really does something to you, especially if you tap into that energy. There's an energy you tap into when you go back to, you go, oh, I used to go to that store. Wow, that's not a shoe store no more. If you get out of your car and park and just walk up and down, it gives you this empowerment.

You get this empowerment that, you know what, I'm still walking these steps. I walked the steps I would to grammar school. I went to the cemetery and I put some flowers, and even being there and turning around and looking around, I just looked at the playground and turned around, and I couldn't hear it in my hearing. I don't want people to think I'm crazy,

but in my head I could hear kids in the playground. Like when I used to play in that playground and stuff like that. So you realize how fucking lucky you are with it. You're sick. There's something wrong with you. You're jobless. That you're still walking these streets. It was just so surreal for me. It always is.

Did it upset you that there were changes? Because I went back to my home town for the real first time, God, probably six or seven years, if not more. And it was weird for me. They changed so much of it, I barely recognized it. And I had that feeling like, yeah, it was cool to see it, but then part of it was like, oh, they changed everything. Like they painted the house I grew up in a different color,

and it was just, it was weird. Listen, with me, change is evolution. You're going to go back and things are going to change. People are going to get old. People are going to die. The sun's going to take over the pizza place. It's not as good as it was. Whatever the fuck it is. But there's always those things. There's always those constants.

For us in North Bergen, we lost Ashway's Deli, which was my constant. That's the second thing I did, was go to Ashway's and get the news on the town and the gossip and you bump into cops and stupidity, but it was home. It was really home. And my friend Billy Horenda, who does like sports up in Sacramento, I was speaking to him, excuse me,

and he was telling me how he was lost when he went back without Ashway's being there. Because that was his staple. You know, Nick died, the pizza place, that's it. But then again, I'm 50, we're older, and this is expected. You know, I made the best of it. For me, when I go home, I got to tell you, it's seen a certain handful of friends.

Right. And this time I fucked up. I didn't see Carmine, I didn't see Mr. Barone. I just, yeah, I didn't have a car to go down by Carmine, so tomorrow I'm going to get an yellow. He's, he's you to me. That's so funny. He fucking formats me with this shit.

So it's like, but I've seen Loops. I've seen Timmy Holloway, who gave me statues of Jimmy, Jimmy Page and, you know, Timmy had some problems and he cleaned up and he looks fucking like a, like a, like a model. We gave him the glasses off last night. He drove me in and out of the city. I saw the freehold of an area.

We went out to dinner at Rudy's. I saw James. I saw my girl Lisa Messina. I saw James's daughter. I saw the hand group of people. I saw grandma. Oh, she's still, she's hanging around. 97, but she thinks he's 103.

I saw his daughter. She thinks she's 103. Yes. Because I'm 103 and George is arguing with a grandma. You can't be 103. You were born in whatever. But just seeing all that, that even grandma, when grandma was 60, I was there when she was 60.

And now she's fucking 90 and she's still tormenting me. You guys, you smell like Eek Eek. She used to call Eek Eek Rifa. That's so funny. Opie and Anthony was great. Just seeing Jim and Pete, the fucking is crazy. David's in there. He's fucking nuts.

I love him. He's fucking nuts. What did Beniri ask you to be his driver? No, I asked him. I said, what do I fill out an application? And he just started laughing. You know, they talk about that political town, how political it is, and they robbing.

But you know what? The town is clean. They got anti-fucking... I went on Friday night to the park to see all these different types of cops. And my friend explained to me that their task force on Fridays and Saturdays to, you know, get the curfews and stuff like that.

You know, 11 o'clock. I mean, do I believe in a curfew for kids? If I had a curfew, maybe I would have grown up to be a different person. So who the fuck knows? But it was just great to go home. The shows were great. I went to the stand.

The first show I did well. The second show I ate, dick. How was the food? I heard the food's great there. I didn't eat. I had this drunk guy give me a fucking ear-beatin' the whole night. I couldn't eat because if I got food

and he sat there and gave me an ear-beatin', I'd just hit myself in the head with the fucking arugula sandwich, whatever the fuck I was gonna eat. The stand was great. Gotham was sensational. I gotta tell you, that's a great comedy club. The people, the organization,

the staff there is sensational. Yeah. Sensation. What makes a good staff at a comedy club? As a comic, what do you look for? They're efficient. They're quiet. I didn't even know they were there.

Everybody asks you, if you want something, can I help you? Is this something I could get you? That always blows my mind at comedy clubs when you can hear like the wait staff aren't quiet. And I was a waiter. It's a hard job and you're gonna make some noise. But like some waiters just like full conversation level

start asking people what they want during a set. And I'm like, it's just, you do realize this is a comedy club, right? I thought it's not TGA Fridays where you last worked. Nah, there's people. Hey, listen, I did the 1145 show. Yes, that must have been tired. So it's gonna be a fucking late show.

But you know what? It went smooth. My set the first night was a little choppy. But second night, I really had it down. And that's all that mattered to me. I always want to perform strong in New York, you know? Because you're selling pretty well around the country. But like for the past few times,

you've gone to Gotham, you've sold out pretty. Is it still cool to you? Yeah. Like that was like a week early. Listen man, listen, this shit's not supposed to be happening. It's happening. And for a guy like me, I'm like a kid in the candy store. It's pressure, but at the same time, I fucking love it.

I love living like this. And I love the people who come out and the people I talk to. I met so many cool people. The black guy who called you and threatened you. Oh my God. If you didn't come back to New York with me next time, he's gonna shoot you. He's gonna come, what do you say to me?

He's gonna come down and roll up on you. I'm like real talk man. It's been three years. Where the fuck are you? And I was just sitting at home. And I didn't have a chance to tell you. I had to get a star. Oh, I know you were fucking freaking out.

I was just sitting there high and you were calling me. I was like, why is he calling me? After the third black guy came up to me and looking for you, I go, that's it. I've had it with these fucking black people looking fully. They don't like me. They ain't looking for a Jew. What the fuck is wrong with these black people?

I don't know, but I love it. This guy had dreads. He was solid. He came right up to me, gave me a hug. Another guy, the guy that called you, looked like that guy from that group. I can't remember now. I'm sorry.

He was dynamite. I thought maybe it was Renee. New York City's got some dynamite. Renee and Carcione was there. New York City has, we have a great network in New York City. When the people come to the shows in New York City, they shake my hand. They look in my eyes.

They hug me real fucking hard. They appreciate it, which makes me appreciate them. I never had this before. I can't even get on. I can't even get a fucking special on Netflix. I can't do nothing, but these people are coming to the show. So what the fuck do you think I feel like? What the fuck do you think?

I got to work harder now than I've ever worked. Why do you think I'm here? Because I want to thank those people. I want to thank everybody who supports us. We got a great thing. We have our own network of people that help each other. Look at the fucking picture. Oh yeah.

Okay, let me zoom in on this because this is great. This is just amazing. This is the shit that, listen man, I get assholes on Twitter and, but guys, for the 90%, what we have going on on Twitter and Facebook amongst ourselves, it's fucking amazing. I'm telling you, I want to cry sometimes. This picture right here by LevPollyYakoff.com.

This is one of the greatest people, and he drew Fidel perfectly and super bad and fucking dimmy. He must have looked at old videos or something. Yes, so I got to respect this guy. It's Lee killing the fucking devil. We're going to put this in a poster with his permission. We're going to get ahold of him. If he's listening, I want him to contact us.

This is just mind boggling. Some other guy, great guy and his sexy, beautiful girlfriend came to the shows. They gave me an album. They gave me Blizzard of Oz, the first album. They came to fucking two or three shows. What about the Blizzard twins? Or no, the wizard, the dragon twins.

The dragon twins. That was hysterical. The dragon brothers. They came with a boat, a kung fu looking mother fuckers ready to tackle people. Like I said, man, I'm here tonight because this couldn't wait till Monday with a guest. We love you with all our fucking hearts.

And this is not about monetary. This is not about shit. It's not. And that's... This is about... I'm with my family. I was just laying on the floor with mercy. Watching fucking Humpy Dumpy on Halloween or some shit.

And I just... I learned. Listen, man, I wouldn't want a life where I didn't learn things about life, but most importantly, I didn't want... I can't imagine not learning things about myself every week. I like looking back on Sunday and going,

wow, that was a great week. What did I learn about myself this week, you know? And this week, for me, I learned that. And that's why I don't harp on it, man. God makes his choices. Karma makes their choices. But you have one thing at the end of the day. And this is...

I've always judged myself by this. And this is your friends. The people that are around you. The guys that came from Timmy Holloway to Lubez to... How's Lubez? Oh, listen. I wasn't in the hotel. I gotta admit something to you guys, all right?

I get off the fucking plane. They take me to the hotel. I'm not at the hotel. Ten minutes. And the phone rings upstairs. I never, ever, ever answer the hotel phone. The hotel phone ring? Oh, shit, that's old school.

And I didn't answer. And right after that, the phone rang. And it was Lubez. And he goes, where are you? I go, I'm in my hotel room. I go, what time do you want to hook up? He goes, I'm already downstairs. I go park the car.

I'll come down and get you. I went down. He had a tub of chicken cutlets. And a parmesan and a bowl of baked ziti. That's the way to greet somebody. I sat right in front of him. I hugged him. We went up to my room.

I ate the ziti in front of him. And then he goes, oh, I forgot this chocolate cake. My mom made chocolate cake for you, you know? And I go, tell your mom, thank you. Let's call her. And as I'm doing all this, I'm realizing I've been going to this kid's house to eat since 1970 fucking nine. How old were you?

The first time I walked in his house, I was 15 years old. I walked in his house a month before my mom died. For a party, we all played hooky. Do you remember what it looked like? Huh? Do you remember what the house looked like? Oh yeah. I'm fascinated by that stuff.

He still lives there. The house looks like it smells a certain way. He still lives there. He lives in the middle room. At that time, he shared a room with his older brother, with the medium brother. They had a, uh, they had a basement that was all made for weights, all homemade lat machines. All this shit. And I remember that he had a little party, uh, and I had, uh, stolen some coke from some

coke that was downstairs in my basement. My mother was holding onto some people. I took a little bit of it and I had it hidden and I, uh, that day I took it to the park. I took it with me to school. And I took it to the party and I pulled him aside and I go, you want to do some coke? And he's like, wait, you get it? And we, we got a peppermint snaps and vodka and we made drinks and we sat down and I did a couple of lines of coke with him and I threw the rest away.

And it was, it was our bond. It's been our bond forever. I turned this way and his, well, it was just something when you, it's like Timmy Holloway. Me and Timmy Holloway did that jewelry store. You know, that's a bond that will last forever. We got away with it. You know, we both had something. There's something about a street bond when you do something.

There's something about a bond of human beings, but there's different bonds. It's like twins have a special bond. You know, when I see Timmy and everything else is forget. Like I forget everything else. I just see that kid that we were both 16 in the same boat looking for a fucking direction. And here we are 30 years later. Who the fuck are we kidding? We're still looking for a direction.

How long has Lou's been bringing you chicken cutlet and pasta to hotel rooms? Like you've told me that. 30 fucking years. He did that like even when you were like coming to visit. The bigger the man, the bigger the mistake and the bigger the story, you know, whatever the fuck you want to talk. I could look you in the eye and tell you as a man that if it wasn't for Jimmy Loob's, Roger and Timmy, Askelweiss and George Kolodinski, I would not be here today.

I didn't know that for a fact because Loob's has been feeding me and giving me 20 is intense since I was maybe 17. You know, 16 was the first time I went to his house. But when I started getting into trouble on these rides and whatever, he's been there for me for all those rides. You know, I was telling Mike Askelweiss who was sitting there talking and I said, I go, there was a time when I used to take. I used to sleep in your backyard on the on the, you know, the fucking things where you

take a suntan and you lay down, you know, like lawn chairs or hammocks in the winter with a jacket on with a hooded sweatshirt. And then I would wait till the morning to everybody left the school on knocking the door and Janine would give me breakfast and I'd sneak in and take showers in the fucking basement and she'd give me a clean shirt from her father's to where and I would have to avoid her father the whole day because then he would say, how did you get one of my shirts? You have no fucking idea. So I know you and your stepfather didn't run on the best terms.

Right. And I know you chose to go with the benders because it would have upturned your life. But when you're sitting there homeless and none of you was like, okay, I'll go live with him. I'd be, I wouldn't like it, but it wasn't. And there's no way I was going to give him to a guy that I was at war with. There was no way. And I, I don't know. I was just, I could, I could have gone to one.

I didn't want to admit that I lose people that I could have gone to, you know, and, but I look at this kid loops that in 1993, when I was starting comedy, he was bringing me, you know, little things. I remember one time I came, I went back on the road. I was 98. You know, I would stay on people's floors and go into the New York comedy club and do spots. And I remember one night I was waiting for a bus and he pulled up. I can't lie.

I had like maybe $18 in my pocket. I was still doing blow. He pulled up. He's like, what's up? None. I'm going to the city. He goes, get him. I'll give you a ride.

He goes, I got something for you in the back. Some Valium's. Let's do a bump. You know, do you need money to get home? I mean, this week when I was home, he, he's the one that drove me to the cemetery. I had a, he wanted to pick me up and drive me to both gigs, both nights. And I told him, no, you know, I'll go with my friends, you know, whatever. I mean, it's just amazing to still have that support system.

I don't ever want people to think that I was just out there. One thing that kept me alive was the support system I had. But because I had that support system, I also wanted to make them proud, which has always been very important in my world, is making anybody who did something for me. Anybody who said, like, if I come to you and I go, dog, I'm going to bind. And you're like, what do you need? I go, I got to get to San Diego by 10 o'clock. And you're like, you know what, come on.

You got weed. Let's go. And also on the way down, I go to hand you 50 bucks for gas. You're like, don't worry about it. I can't never forget that. And then you drive me home. Let's say you're not even a comedian. Let's say you're just a lawyer and you do this for me.

How do you think I feel? You just gave me a ride down there to do my dream and you enjoyed it and you had a good time and you came back. I'll never forget those people that gave me rides. Fucking philato last week. You know what the most special thing about shooting that special was? Tell me. Die.

The least likely, we all have something you want to do with your life. And then you go to the people that are closest to you and you tell them, you go, you know what? I'm thinking of becoming a professional dick sucker. You know, I love being in M&M's. You know, whatever the fuck you want to become. And let's say you go to four of your good friends. Two of them are going to tell you you're a fucking loser.

And two of them are going to support you. You know, two of them are not going to say you're a loser. I don't want you to put it like that, but two of them are just going to raise the other possibilities. You know, you have a family. What are you going to do if you fail? And then you have two friends. Let's say out of those two friends, you have one friend that is very, he's had shit going

on in his life. But the other friend is a childhood friend who's a mess. What if this guy that was a mess, the least person in your life drove you to gigs? What if that guy gave you a book once on stand-up comedy? What if that was Filato's cousin? In 1993, when I went back to New York and I didn't know what I was doing with my life, at 32 years old, guys, I had no idea what the fuck I was going to do with my life. I had been on stage a couple of times.

I was like that girl, that fat shamed. I was telling people I was a comic. I was no fucking comic. I was getting on stage once a fucking month. I told him my dream. And for some reason, he would push me every day. You go to the city tonight and do comedy. Let's go.

I'll give you a ride. And I'm like, oh, fuck. Now I'm in a bunch. Yeah. Now I'm in a fuck. Why do you think I pushed you with the jujitsu? Anything I got that from? From him.

Yeah. Because I get it. I get when sometimes you need that person to say, come on. And now you're in a spot. Why did I fucking even tell this motherfucker I did do comedy for? Especially when I'm dreading jujitsu. If I don't have an excuse, if someone's offering you a ride, it's like, you can't even say, oh, I ran out of gas.

My car broke down. Like that. Okay. Let me ask you this. When you first started comedy, did you enjoy it? Yes and no. When did you start? Like, when did you stop dreading it?

I am. You know what I didn't like about it? That I sucked. Yeah. Nobody likes to suck. Even if it's jumping jacks. Nobody likes to suck at anything. But anybody who has a brain will go home and go, you know what?

They'll go on YouTube in today's society. I don't know. Maybe 20 years ago when I was growing up, I couldn't do that. But they go on YouTube and they see somebody who is doing it and they'll say, you know what? If he could do it, I could do it. That's some mentality. If he could do it, I could do it. Well, I'm going to try till I do it.

And maybe if I don't fucking get it, at least I fucking try. Right. That was why Filato was so special that he was there. Because it was like a representative of his family. Like, it was, in other words, Rago was there. Only Filato was representing him. This is the guy that got me into comedy. This is why it was so special for me.

And did you like have to ask Filato? I'm asking, thinking I know the answer. But a lot of times people will do something for you and then they'll ask for something in return. It doesn't seem like any of the people you mentioned did that. Maybe they did. I don't know. Not one of them. Not one of them.

Not one of them. You know what they wanted from me? For me to do something with my life. That's what they, all those people that fed me and took me to rides and George. You know, George, I hadn't seen George in sophomore year in high school. I would communicate with him from time to time. One day in 1985. This is hitting me, man.

Good. One day in 1985, in 1984, 85, I bumped into George and he tells me that, you know, he's doing this and this. I got arrested that day. I called George up. He bailed him out. He brings me to his house. That was the beginning of my life.

That was the first time I didn't get in trouble for three months. I really gave it a chance. You know, this was a kid who broke me into his fucking home. A lot of people bring you into their home. And after that, like, we were talking the other night on the way to New York in front of his new girlfriend. And we were talking about Aspen, like, when he came to visit me and then he came to Boulder and then he came back for the fucking sentencing.

And these are my friends of 30 fucking years that have been there for me. And you know, when they come to the shows and all of a sudden they, they, people saved my name and the room erupts. It's got to do something for them if they're in the room. This is the same kid I fed and gave $2 for the bus for. And look at these people from the podcast coming out and applauding. It's a fucking great feeling in front of my friends. Do you like your friends coming or do you prefer they didn't?

Certain ones. Okay. Certain ones. I don't mind if they come. Certain ones, I could fucking just go off in front of them. Certain ones, me knowing they're in the room driving me crazy because I know why they're there for. Are you, is it you being self conscious or you think they're going to ruin it?

No, no, they're not going to ruin anything. Timmy came to both shows. No, no, no, no, him. I'm not saying the ones you don't want there. I don't know. I just don't want the ones that are going to reminisce and breathe on my neck and to be doing fucking blow. And you know, they, they don't want to give me a chance with the people with the podcast

people. Right. They want to take over the stage over the podcast people stand right there. I can't deal with that shit. It's, uh, it's interesting talking about like a change and all that because you asked me a few months ago, like if I could be doing anything, what would I be doing? I said doing this and then we've been talking recently about what I'm going to do next. And an issue I had for my whole life was looking like looking forward, like not enjoying.

And I've been, I was thinking the other I was, I got a little bit too high the other night and I was just like, I don't know if I want to be a manager. I don't know. I don't, this is the first time kind of in my life that I don't know what I want. Okay. Let me ask you this. Nobody's saying manager. Let me ask you this.

What if, what if Netflix gets into the podcast business and they want to hire you for chief operations of network control? Cause you know about podcast. Oh no. This is leading to something. Yeah. I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is.

And that you said, cause I, I don't know what it is to terrify me. But listen, the worst thing a man could do is think. Okay. The worst thing I, this was something that was told to me by a wise man when I was 19 years old and I was bleeding one of them out of my asshole. The worst thing a man could do is think. The only thing a man is expected to do is get up every morning and do the best he can and move a little closer to reaching his fucking utopia.

And that's mentally, spiritually and physically. That's what you go for. I did not know that at 21 guys. I did not know that. I did not know that this is the mission to be happy. That's it. That's the mission to be fucking happy to have the ability to go. You know what?

I'm not flipping burgers in our burgers dog. I'm not doing that. This is what I'm doing and to have the brain to know that this is what's not going to make you happy and to take chances. There's just so many things that are part of a young man's fucking life. One of the worst things are thinking. I want you to write your goals. You know, I want you to have a clear vision of a 90 day.

What am I going to do? But you don't know where this is going to end up, Lee. You're going to be when I'm dead and fucking buried. One day you're going to look out a window and spark up a cigar or a joint and you're going to go look at what I'm doing today or it all started in a fucking room. A dumb room with a Nazi fucking flag and Charles Bronson sitting across on some fat ex felon that didn't know dick about dick because you're on the ground floor or something huge.

This is communications and this is something that's needed daily. Entertainment and communication. Yeah, and it's great for me, but I've been talking with so many people now. There's one and I'm going to respond to his email tomorrow. He's not sure if you should go to college for podcasting and it's would you go to fucking college for podcasting? I don't know what to tell him. No, I know it's the scholar.

This is the college. This is the college. Who's going to teach a podcasting class? Let me ask you what fucking person is going to teach a fucking podcasting class that hasn't had a podcast for five years? I would only take 10 people's podcasting classes right now if they taught them. Nothing else at a college degree level. Yeah.

10 people's podcasting classes. Adam Carolla. What makes a successful fucking podcast? I wouldn't take my podcast class. I'm not a successful fucking podcast, but they're a podcast out there that are fucking successful. Do you think they went to college you fucking moron? This is what the problem is.

He's going for like sound engineering. Fuck sound engineering. This is how you learn sound engineering by people. He has your emails and going Joey. I can't fucking hear you. Talk to Lee. We figure it the fuck out because they teach you that theory, but they're not going to teach you what the fuck we learned in five years, which is still what they're going to

need to do. Right. So no matter how much fucking truck boards and clapping the fucking erases you do, the only way to get this is technicality. You know, there's a class in fucking Hollywood that you don't roll. They just teach you submissions. You do not roll. If the people do not want that physical contact, I learned how to do an arm bar.

I do not fucking roll. That's great for theory. That's great for theory. Right. But the only way to get better at that is to roll around and have people get on top you and twist your fucking fingers and poke you in the fucking eye. And the only way to learn this, the only way to learn anything in life is to fucking do it.

If you want to do it while you're getting a little theory, but Lee, again, who's teaching this podcast class? Right. Who? Let me see who. Who? I've been a consultant. You ain't shit because you didn't do this in day in and day out.

You weren't with us at 6 a.m. in the fucking morning in a fucking apartment smoking and yelling with fucking foreigners throwing shit at you. You weren't there. So this is what I'm saying right now. This, if I was to take a podcasting class in 10 years, yeah, because by that time catches Morris could teach a fucking class. Right. Who knows more about when Cassius gets to his freshman year in college and he takes

a podcasting class, he's going to get up after three days and go, you're all a bunch of fucking assholes. It won't even take three days. I don't think. It won't even take three days. But that's the thing. It's like, from the, from the minute I can remember, even as kids, you're asked like, what do you want to be when you grow up and all that?

And how much were you right? All you dumb motherfuckers that have fun, would it be a bucket by a man? How many years ready to climb a fucking ladder today? None of these. You don't even know what the fuck you want to do when you're 18 and you go to fucking college. It is the worst fucking decision we make in our fucking lives because we do 50% of it for our parents.

More than that. Yeah. I'm just going with 50, Lee. I'm just going with 50. Yeah. People go to college, 50% for the parents, 30% or 20% of what surrounds them. Like, I want to be a little biologist because a bunch of jerk-offs in some class. This is college.

This is USC. This is San Diego state. Now, now you're going out there to beach. You have all these things to throw your mind off. You're not in high school no more. Mommy's not flipping your burgers and making your laundry. This all kicks into your day so that underwater biology shit becomes fucking sociology 101. You know what I'm saying?

Psychology three. Whatever the fuck you choose. You don't have. Come on. No. Come on. They want you to make a life decision at 18 years old to what you want to do. And it's not even a life decision.

It's a fucking life decision. Lee, are you paying fucking money right now for school loans? But that's my point. Yes. It's a life decision that costs you $100,000. You got damn right. So you fucking think about it. There's a child.

It's not like, okay. At 18. Listen, come on. Who the fuck are you guys kidding? There's a child. 18. You're a fucking child. I was a child at 18.

Yeah. I thought I was the mafia and I thought I could do this and that. But I had the mind of a fucking child. And yes, there's some of us that are very special. They know what they're going to do at 18 or whatever. But those motherfuckers put a gun to the head at 38. I thought I didn't. I thought I knew.

No. Lee, every child, every 18 year old child thinks they know what the fuck they want to do at 18. And they don't have a fucking idea. So you know what? Worst case scenario, you go to school for four years and you take a major that could turn into anything else, like a master's or maybe law school or maybe whatever the other thing that they call it. That's the only thing I would decide.

What would I do with mercy? If I was 50 or 40 right now and I would be there for mercy. You want me to tell you what I'd tell you to do? What? Honest? Yeah. At 18? Go, so I'll tell you all this.

Something like that. For one year. I would make a child go into the workforce labor for one year. And something that they kind of like, you know what I'm saying? Like something that you can always get an internship. Yeah, but I want you to make money. I don't want you to be fucking interning. Fuck you working for free.

Fuck that. I need for you to get up in the morning and know what it is to get $230 and know how to break it up. I live with mom and dad. I'm going to chip in 50. I'm going to put 30 towards my car, 25 towards my car insurance, 50 towards reefer. I want you to budget interning. I still got to give you a geetus.

You got to learn how money moves when you're a child. Yeah, definitely. You have to learn how money moves when you're a child. You have to learn to put money away when you're a child, something I did not do. You have to learn to, you know, there's so many things. You know, there's no paper routes today. I blame so much on not having paper routes because it teaches you how to protect your shit, to how to collect, to how to sell, to how to upsell.

You only get Sundays for an extra 12 fucking cents. I'll give you the whole week. Okay. You learn all these things from selling a fucking newspaper. Yeah. From selling a fucking newspaper because nothing teaches you more about life than belly to belly sales. Belly to belly sales.

So do you think like a year of that, because I don't, I'm bad at that. I've been at selling for what I am good at. Like what I think did help me was working retail or customer service. I don't care if you go to GNC. Yeah. I don't care if you go to GNC and learn about vitamins for a year and then you go to yourself. You know what, man? I thought I wanted to be an astrologer.

Now I want to get into fucking sports medicine. I want to help people do fucking sit-ups. I want to help fat people lose weight. Whatever the fuck it is. But I don't think you really know what you're doing at 18. I got to tell you an interesting story before I forget. Okay. I tell people this all the time.

I go to Jiu Jitsu on Mondays. I go to Wednesdays on Hegans and I drop in on BJJ.com. People think I'm fucking, you know, Andre Galval. Everybody always invites me to their places. And 90% of the times I got to tell you something. I'm fucking petrified. I'm fucking petrified. Not because I'm just petrified.

I'm out of my comfort zone. Once you're out of your comfort zone, and I talk about this all the time. So my plan for the last two weeks was to go to Marcelo Garcia's 1130 to 1230 fundamental two class. That was the fucking plan. I go to Nopi and Anthony. I find out the night before at the Pope's in town. They're going to lock up all these fucking streets, blah, blah, blah. Opi and Anthony ends like a fucking 1035, 1040 after the hugs and the pictures and the whole thing.

I didn't hit fucking downstairs till 11 o'clock. I was fucking starving. I stopped. I got a severed hot dog. And then I went to hail the cab. It was 20 minutes to get a cab. I go, fuck it. I'm never going to make it to Marcelo.

I even asked the guy. He goes, I got to go the long route. You won't be there until about 12. I said, fuck it. Let me just give me a ride to the A train. So I took the A train and I went up and I walked around and I had my gear and shit. And I went back and I stopped on the Jersey side at this, uh, at this kettlebell place, this, uh, whatever CrossFit place and they had kettlebells.

And I went up to the counter and I said, listen, how much to do the kettlebells? And I was 25 bucks. I go, okay, we go, but you got to be back by 430. It was like two 15 to a clock. For a class or just to train? Because at 430, the classes start from seven to nine. And they're like CrossFit and, uh, pulling yourself up, TRX and all that shit. So I saw a UFC gym.

In fact, my nephew, uh, Dee Dee's nephew, uh, Carlos, his son worked over there when they first opened. So I went over there and I go, how much are you guys charging? I go, you can buy a three day pass, but you know what? Just come work out, bro. We're straight here. And I go, do you have a beach, uh, digital class? They go, we have no gear at seven, but we have a gear at 530.

Oh my God. Like, okay, I'll be here as I'm walking away. I go, what the fuck did I just say? You know, I was shitting my pants. Lee, you know, me, I'm plenty of, cause seven 30, you could have been like, oh, I'll be late for my show. Yeah. But five o'clock was right there.

I went and, uh, I went home and I wrote and I spoke to some people and I thought about it and I walked over that five. I got a protein drink and I took my little energy pill and I walked over there. Lee, the first 10 minutes for hell. He made this run. I had a run in front of all these young kids. You said it was on like the third floor too, right? He's on the third floor, which gives me fucking anxiety as it is.

But when I walk in, I saw a guy from Naughty by Nature track. His kids go there. Oh, cool. A lot of celebrities, a lot of football players and basketball players live in Edgewater and Fort Lee and all that. So I go upstairs and I walk in this three guys and I go, perfect. This will be a small class. Oh fuck.

There's about 528, eight kids walking in one guy's like, Joey, how are you? Oh my God. We're listening to the podcast. I ran. I did a couple of hip escapes. I almost had a heart attack. No, I didn't even do that. I didn't even get to the hip escapes.

I was out of breath from just running and doing something else. He was making us do. And then he made us do, uh, getting out of your guard 50%. Oh my God. I was so petrified. But I gotta tell you something. Everybody in there was the nicest person in the world. Everyone was nice.

The fucking teacher. His name is Karuma. Anderson Karuma Santos was so fucking good. He was so good. I left there. I was drenched. I mean, my knee pads under my knee were wet. I rolled and rolled and rolled.

And they taught me how to do a half guard and a deep half. And I had such a good time. I didn't, I, I, I go, can I give you anything? He goes, no, no, it's on me. Thank you for coming. I went right downstairs and I booked a private and I came back the next day at two o'clock. So two days, the thing that I hated the most that I was petrified of, I fucking went and did.

And I gotta tell you something. We had a fucking great time. I had a great, and now every time I go into that area, you know what? I'm going to go see this fucking Anderson Karuma guy because he was that fucking good. He taught me some fucking tremendous shit. Not to mention, I was drenched. I love when I'm workout and I'm drenched. There's one thing for your t-shirt to be wet.

There's one thing from the top of your pants to be wet. There's nothing when your knee pads and your underwear are wet. You're like, God damn. Well, thank you for that light, Guy. By the way, that saved me the other day. Oh my God, but. Oh, the Sanibel. Yeah.

Oh, the Sanibel? Yeah, those are the Higa Machado. Oh my God, those are good. They're really ultra lightweight, man. Ultra fucking light in the summers. There's a gear have that's like a fucking, like a, like a fucking fur. I think that's what you gave me too. The first one.

Oh my God. Oh yeah, that's a normal one. That's heavy as fuck. Yeah. But do you, do you like going to see different teachers? Cause I was here. Do people talking about that? Like the, either you go here or day you go here.

And I'm like, that's a lot of money to be spending on jiu-jitsu, but there must be a benefit to it. You know, John Evan gives me a flat, which is very cheap because I was with him before. So he goes, just pay me what you were paying me before. V-MAC gives me an individual rate, 15, 20 bucks. But John Budd, he's worth every fucking dollar and just for the school, man. They're a neighborhood school. So if I go in there for, I spent 200 a month on jiu-jitsu. It's a lot.

I don't give a fuck. It's, I threw away thousands of month on cocaine. Thousands. I'm spending 200. I'm something I love doing. We give the other guy 20 bucks, 15 bucks for the kettlebells. Yeah. That's cool.

What do I give a fuck? Yeah. It's worth every penny. It's not like I go out to dinners. I go to fucking permis or helicopter rides. But there's kids who like aren't making a lot of money doing this too. And it's just, it's crazy. They are or they aren't.

They aren't. They're like, no, there's no money in jiu-jitsu, but you have to contribute and you have to help and you go to these schools. Listen, these schools are your community. I started at V-MAC. When the schedule didn't suit my needs and I had to go elsewhere, it hurt my feelings too. Then I got the knee surgery. I love John Budd and Marcelo.

And I love John Evan over there. And I love fucking Hassan and my buddy Zach. I love all those guys with all my fucking heart, man. But Hegan was down in Belly Hills by Hollywood where I had to go. I had a relationship with him from before. That's where I went. I don't like going over the hill for jiu-jitsu. I like keeping it in my neighborhood.

I'm a neighborhood fucking guy. You support the things in your neighborhood. I'm saying, do you like going to John Budd for one thing and then Hegan for another? Is it kind of cool seeing how different people teach? You know what, man? For me, it's great that I'm just involved. And once my schedule adapts and V-MAC adds day classes on Mondays and Wednesdays, I just go to V-MAC, happier than shit.

V-MAC is a school that's coming up. They try. It's that neighborhood school. They charge you 70 bucks a month. 70 bucks a month for jiu-jitsu. And they do barbecues. And they get together. They just all went to a wedding this week.

And they do little things, man. And that's what part of this is. When I was doing coke, yeah, people call you up and you want to party. But besides that, people never hit me up and go, hey, man, you want to go exercise today? Or you want to go do kickboxing, fucking jiu-jitsu. Everywhere I go, somebody sends me an email and says, hey, man, you're a big guy like me. I'm a black belt. You want me to teach you some big guy stuff?

What the fuck is that? I'm not a fucking no special person for them to reach open up. That's jiu-jitsu. That's why I break your balls about it because it's a different community. It's a different field. It's what I've been yearning for 30 years is what I've been looking for. I didn't find it with comics. I didn't find it with comics because 50% of them are there to be your friend.

And the other 50% are hoping you slip on a fucking banana peel and die. So there's no camaraderie there for me. They never really was. But if you're in this area, man, I had a great time with Kimura and the guy, the Brian Garcia guy that runs the UFC gym, he fucking opened up his heart. Listen, everybody's always talking about how they're heavy, they're sick, this and that. The answer's right in front of you. These people are not there to hurt you at these gyms.

Some of them are scumbags, but some people are genuinely there to go, hey, man, if you want to help me, help you lose weight, I can help you. What's the matter, Lee? What the fuck, you're sitting there blinking like a fucking... This is hitting me, I think. It's not fucking hitting you. I don't see no devils and no stars yet. You're going to put some fucking music on?

Are you going to sit there? It's fucking Monday morning, cocksuckers. Get your shit together. But the whole thing is I got out of my comfort zone and I feel fucking great about it. I really do. This was one of the best weekends ever. I got to see my friends. I went to Rudy's twice.

I had some fucking muscles marinara. I had some... Oh my God, the calamar was off the fucking chain. There you go. No raviolis? No, I don't go to fucking New York to eat raviolis. Fuck outta here. Oh my God, we got to lie one time.

I got to get up and I'll tell you if I'm high. Hold on. Leave it up, leave it up. How come you're always that retard that bumps into the fucking DJ booth? You're always that fucking retard. The DJ booth is the entire operation. You always hit the fucking thing with your finger. Why is your finger even close to the fucking...

Because it changes the camera too. Don't worry about changing the fucking camera. Just leave the music. The music is the most important thing. I don't care about the fucking camera. The hell's the matter with you, cocksucker? I won't stop watering. You why?

I won't stop watering. I know. What's wrong with your eyeballs? You got that thing on your left eye again? You got that fungus in your eye again? No, it's fine. Go look in the mirror. I know, it's fine.

Oh, it's not. Holy shit. What? This is fun. Yeah, it's fun. What? I've been telling you for years, there's nothing wrong with a good hit of acid. You know what I'm saying?

Go home, watch a couple of fucking episodes of narco, go out and stab somebody in your fucking acid, fucking reflux, you know? Oh my God. It doesn't matter with you, man. But it was great. I learned a lot. Vegas was great, the special. I don't know when, you know, it's just all this.

It's just shit we have in here. I still got a CD I taped in DC. That's ready to release. We're just ready for all the pieces. Now, the next mission is the book with Gordon. Fuck it. That's it. That's the next fucking mission.

I really started looking at it when I was in fucking New York. Just little notes. It's going to be tough. But I got to really focus on my writing now. So I'm going to say two hours a day just to fucking write from now on. That's it. Now that I got this. Everything in general.

I really have to. There's days I write a long time and one day I travel and I won't write. And that's the whole thing. You got to work the fucking same muscle every day. It's really important. So stop looking up at the fucking ceiling. There's nothing up at the scene like that retard that looks up. What are you looking up for?

You're going to go to Philly and have the Pope touch in the head. They could hear you. Did you watch any of the Pope stuff? I was on at the gym and I'm Jewish, man. I understand that it's a big deal for some people. I don't understand. I don't understand waiting in line for 12 hours. Who waited in line for 12 hours?

They were saying people in Philly. That's what CNN was saying. People were there from like 630 to 630. People came from all over the world, I suppose. All the other states. I read about a family who came to the Volkswagen bus. I know he's not God, but he's like the level down from God. Isn't that supposedly like, I don't know.

I don't fucking know. He's just a grand high Pope. He seems cool. People seem to like him. He's a hip. That's what they say. He's hip or whatever. As an old school Catholic, how do you feel?

I don't. I can't lie to you. For me, religion is something that you do on your own. It should be. It should be. I like it on my own. I'll go to church. I could put a couple dollars in the basket.

I'll eat the fucking cookie. I'll hit a confession from time to time. But I think it's how you hold yourself on a daily fucking basis. That's my religion. That's my religion. Are you, you know, hold yourself up on a fucking daily basis? This time of year is always weird because it's like the high holidays. It's the Yom Kippur and Rosh Hashanah.

A lot of Jews on the flight today. A lot of them. A lot of them. And I don't know, man. My parents thought about it. My dad was less religious. My mom was more. So that was weird.

And then it always creeped me out how like people would go there just to be seen. Like just because they have to bring in chairs. So did you feel that also growing up that most people were there to be seen? I don't know. I don't think I was. I don't think I was eight, but I remember going in high school and being very upset. It's just like it's two days out of the year. Hold on.

I don't mean to interrupt you. Go for it. Because I say this to Rogan and he always, I could see that he always, do you feel that a lot that most of the things people do are to be seen? Or is it me by myself and my fucking 20 year cocaine paranoia? I think you point out the more minute ones. I think there's like stuff like that. That's like, oh, that's blatant is kind of, I think some people see, but then I think

it's just based on experience because like I'll be watching reality TV with Paula and I'll point out, hey, they made her say that. Hey, they reshot that. Well, there's something I can see or the like the audio is weird. And they, she wouldn't notice because that's, she hasn't spent hours looking at that. So you've spent hours and hours looking at people to make fun of them in a way or to tell comedy about them. So you probably are more honed in on it.

I would, I would think. When I was, uh, when I first went to church, I couldn't figure out what people would close their eyes and spin around and make believe like the whole, you know, I couldn't figure it out. And I started closing my eyes and I realized nothing fucking happened. The only one that does look cool are, and I know there's probably a better way to say this, but the black churches, like the ones where they're singing and having a good time, that seems like a fun way to go.

I've been to those tremendous. Like, uh, I had a friend that used to go. Oh my God, that seems like a way to do it. Listen, church religion is what you believe in your heart. How you act yourself accordingly, whatever the fuck you believe in. I don't want to sit here and preach to people what the fuck God is or whatever because everybody, everybody has a different God or maybe no God at all. I know there's something out there.

I know there's a karma in my world, in my life. I know that karma has to do a lot with things and I know that there's something out there. I was shown something early on and I know there's something out there, whether I believe or not, I know it. I feel it for me, but I don't think, I didn't like going to church every Sunday. You went every Sunday? I went, uh, for a few years every Sunday and I didn't like it either. I thought that when I got to Boulder was the first time it really disgusted me.

That's the first time church fucking disgusted me. Was they all gone Christmas or Easter or something and never go over again? You know, it was a good Catholic. You know what I tell you? It was a very, very good Catholic in my life. My old in-laws, the Kings, very good Catholics, Ray and Lorraine, very good Catholics, went to church. They did the stipend.

You know, they had the priest over once a week, but he cursed. He was in Vietnam. You know, it's just a belief that he had and, uh, I liked him. I went to his church, Sacred Heart in Boulder, it's where I got married. I didn't like the Gentiles that went, that sat in the front, that were involved with the church and there was one guy in particular, a realtor that was cheating on his wife with this young chick. His wife was atrocious.

I mean, I'd shoot her. I wouldn't cheat on that at that point. But he was cheating on her, but he would sit in the front and act like he was the best Christian. And one day, like he went to give me like a lecture and I told him, like, give me a favorite. Go fuck yourself. Right.

You got some pair of fucking balls. Those are the people that tick me off. And that's 70% of religious people. You think it's that high? Well, okay. Go to New York 42nd Street at 8 in the morning when I was a kid. 50% of the clientele in the fucking boxes jerking off with a set of Jews, Lee. Yeah.

Running out of there with that dirty jacket with a napkin would come on it to go throw away or to take it back to the synagogue. Okay. And, you know, whatever the fuck they do with it, you know, Lee, these, I don't even know what to say. I don't want to embarrass anybody. These Arabian Prince when they come over, they got wives. What do you think they come over here?

Do you hear about the one that just happened in LA, I think? Is he the LA or Florida? I forget. I don't know. Where like this girl was trying to escape the compound. Yeah. And they called and had to have him arrested. Why do you think?

Well, you think these Japanese guys come over? You think they come over to play cards in Vegas? They come over and they get 12 blondes that suck dick for a living jack, five grand a night. That's what they want. They don't want no misunderstandings. They don't want no amateurs. They don't want none of Cosby's rejects.

They don't want nothing. They don't want nothing. They want perfect. Well, you know, this is what they people do for 2000 fucking years. Do they cause me ever to give his word of approval on like a hooker? I don't fucking know. I'm just doing the telephone. Why you gotta fucking throw me off my beat here?

I'm just as high as you. I suck. No, but it's, it's, um, I don't know. And I'm not going to say that. I don't know if it's 70 percent. 70 percent. All these religious people that, that listen, all these people that push their fucking religious on you or at one time correct you, you know, uh, the guy who fucking sent me

the email last week that me and my wife walked out with a bunch of women. You don't, you should do comedy like Cosby Cosby's a rapist, motherfucker. You know, there's, there's a majority of people that put religion. That's their front is their religious beliefs and shit. But meanwhile, their personal lives, their pieces of shit, their pieces of fucking shit. Those are the ones that fucking torment me. Those are the ones that eventually I say, Hey, stop, stop, stop, stop with the ukulele.

My cousin, Alcuela, I loved that. I was family since I was a little boy. I knew the mother, the grandmother. It always is kind of scary when you look at how at the church with the tambourine, the pastor, Lord have mercy prayers before dinner. Meanwhile, he's snorting cloak, coke, eating pills and getting his dick sucked at the dealership. Why are you doing this to me? Why are you embarrassing me with this religious shit?

Me? I tell you what my beliefs are and I tell you what I've done. I was a thief. The dudes who got killed next to Jesus were fucking thieves. I'm not blaming none of that shit. I'm a thief piece of shit. But in my whole heart, the whole time I would think about religion. I wouldn't think about it.

You know what I'm saying? Like at night when I was going to sleep, I would think of all the things I've done and then I would think of religion and I get really fucking sad. Today, I baptize my daughter. I fucking go to church on my own very loosely. I do not talk about it. I don't push it on my wife. There's a 730 mass.

I tell her I got to take a ride. That's how special fucking I do it. I go, I sit in the back. I get emotional. It brings me back to my childhood. I get in my car. I go home and nobody knows I did it. You understand?

I could start going this week, but I feel like I have a grip. You have a grip. It's a temple. Yeah. You have to go. Lee, go and get your roots. These are your roots. This is who the fuck you are.

I'm not telling you not to go. But then I'm the person that I hated when I was 18. Who gives a fuck? Now go remind yourself why you hated yourself on the way I called me and go, Joey, let's eat a star and fuck these two for the ass. Right or wrong, but then why not walk in and see where you came from? Why not walk in? Maybe it'll give you an idea.

Maybe it'll make you go over there and do it. And probably where I was most bored, if I think about it, because I don't speak Hebrew. So those hours of sitting there, just doing nothing, wishing for it to be over, just praying. That's all I would pray for is for it to be over. You know what I would do when I'd sit in church as a child? I remember, because I went to Catholic school, so you had religious studies. So while I was in church, I would daydream about the lesson they taught us. And I would think about what Jesus, you know, whatever the fuck story they had about Moses

or the Corinthians, whatever the fuck. I would think about that, you know. I don't know. Religions weird with me. I just, I don't like people pushing on me. I don't like none of that stuff. You're a religious person. Keep it to yourself.

Keep your belief to yourself. And don't talk about it. Let me see you live it. It's weird when people have that in their like Twitter profile. Like God first or whatever. Okay, let me say it. And there's a picture of you on a boat with your tits out on a ship with some fucking fake producer or some shit.

That's the shit that bothers me, man. Everything else. I don't care what people do. Listen, in bold, I had a friend who was a Harry Krishna. He lived down the block from me. He stunk. But the dude was solid as fucking molasses, man. He talked to you from the heart.

And you know what was special about him? He never said nothing to you about being a Harry Krishna. He never said nothing to you. Did he wear like the robes around you? He had the hairdo, the fucking thing. He stunk the shoes. But he was solid. What are you going to do, man?

People have their own choices in life. As long as they don't invite me and push it on me after the third time, especially if I'm high and I'm having a bad day, because you're always like an end. At three o'clock in the daytime, your mind's always on fire. You're thinking about the end of your day, what's going to happen tomorrow. You're scheduling, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And all of a sudden I bump into a... There was a Jehovah Witness that was coming to North Hollywood.

I had this guy strung out for maybe four or five months. I think I was there when he came a couple of times. I told you. I had him on the string. I talked to him for two minutes and the phone rang. Hold on. Let me call you back. Listen, I got to catch you next week and I leave.

I had him on the string because he spoke to me correctly. It's when he showed up with a partner that it pissed me off. Two times he showed up solo and I spoke to him about whatever. We just kept it on a fucking very natural basis. Films, his religion, how long he had done it for, why he did it, that he was a Catholic or whatever the fuck he was, and then something always happened. But once he showed up with the partner to shake me down,

that's when the relationship ended. Once they showed up with two or three... Cross the line. Yeah, they crossed the fucking line. You want to show up fucking solo and talk to me about fucking Jehovah? What is this, an ambush? What are you doing? You trying to crack funnies? Let me give you some shout-outs here.

I want to give a shout-out to all my buddies. I want to give a shout-out to my brother, Timmy Holloway. We were in New York last week. It was the anniversary of us doing our thing when we were kids. And I'm proud of you and you look good. I also want to give a shout-out to K-Jaw, my man in Vegas who hooked us up. Oh, yeah. Bad motherfucking shit.

I had put the note in my pocket and I forgot it and I found it on my desk. That's so sorry it's late, but I love you. David Christiansen. Daven you cocksucker. Trying to ask me if I just woke up. My man, the greatest blind comedian working. Angel Adorno out there and his beautiful wife. Chinese dragons in New York who showed up.

I love you, little Chinese motherfuckers. Renee and Kaohsiung with his band, the fucking Hooligans. And the dude who was getting married. My main man, the guy who showed up with the Blizzard of Oz album. I looked at that album and almost fucking broke down into tears. Even tonight. Harry, a security, my main man in a Glendale, the flying Armenian. Dustin Sawacky, John Fentrose always with us.

Joe Skibara. And again, I want to thank Bruce Garcia at the UFC, Jim and Edgewater and my main man, Anderson Karuma Santos for taking good care of me and my man. Lev Polly Kevav.com. He's Lev Poe at Twitter if you want to hit him up and follow him. The guy does some great fucking artwork, you know what I'm saying? So that's it. At least I had, it was a two hearted.

It was, I was only home two out of 10 fucking days. And I did it. I couldn't believe, I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown along the way. Oh, you were talking to me about Friday night. Okay. Guys, listen, I get fucking bored. The New York show started 1145. Again, 1145.

That must be torture for you. When I pulled up at 1145, there was still a line outside. They don't even start seating until 10 to 12 and the show starts like a 10 out of 12. It's a real New York city show. I worked for that fucking dollar on that show. What the fuck am I doing? Yeah, fuck. So you probably didn't get on to close to one.

I can't hold that, you know me. But fucking nine o'clock, I got to pop a star. I got to get the blood going. You're only human. Things that happen. I popped like two stars. Get the blood going. From there, I said, fuck it.

Let me get the blood going. I popped two more stars. I leave the house with a total of three stars. I had already popped five. My brother picked me up at 10. I popped two stars. And then in the car, I popped two more fucking stars. Now I'm 10 minutes away from going up on stage for the first show in New York City Friday night.

I go in my pocket. The phone's ringing. I go and I go, what's this lump in my pocket? And it's a piece of paper with a star that's starting to melt. I'm not doing it. I'm not going to let a fucking good THC star melt. So I popped this motherfucker on stage. Like the church soldier you are?

It's New York City. When you go on stage in New York City, you got to go up there and fucking throw fucking casams at them. I went out there Friday like a fucking devil. 12, 14, 16 minutes in. Lee, I feel like I am about to pass out. I get nauseated. My stomach just drops to a certain level of nausea. I could feel the temperature in my body changing, but the heat rising in my head.

Oh my God, sweats coming from parts of my body that haven't had sweat on it in years at that night, part of the night. It's just like weird. Like I'm doing jujitsu sweating on stage all of a sudden. I'm looking to my left on this side of the stage, fucking packed house. And all of a sudden my vision goes. Oh no. And the back of my mind, I'm like, I'm about to pass. I really want Lee.

No shit. And they knew it. The audience knew. So are you still talking? Still talking, but kind of incoherently. And all of a sudden I just went into a bit or something and it saved me. And I felt myself work and I kept breathing. I kept saying, Joe, just breathe.

And I kept going through it. And then after about six minutes, I told the audience what happened and they caught it. They started laughing. They saw the sweat on my body. It was fucking amazing. I fucking loved it. I love it. Did that make you want to do animals before you go on stage?

No. No. I'm not doing it fucking no more until Tuesday. Yeah. Before the last factory. No more until Tuesday. No. I don't know.

Like I don't, I'm out of stars. And you know, we've eaten a fucking 2,000 stars in two weeks. Like it's over. We have to give the stars a break. I'm embarrassed to even hit the guy up anymore. My main man, he hit me up today saying hello and stuff like that. But I'm embarrassed to even fucking, why are you laughing? How are you feeling motherfucker?

I'm good. Huh? You're feeling good. Right? Yeah. I don't think it's really, listen, let me tell you the story. I'm at the fucking stand. I'm minding my own business.

Guy comes in. Joey, he was there last year. He gives me a hug. I love this kid. I love him. Everything about him. I don't know what his name is and it doesn't really fucking matter. And all of a sudden I don't know where he goes.

I got acid. Oh no. I go, fuck it. And he had a whole sheet with Einstein on it. That was a piece of Einstein's head you had. What part? Like the head. Over here, over to the fucker.

Oh, it's good. Maybe I'll grow hair then. Yeah. So we fucking, he gave me two pieces. As soon as he was giving it to me, he goes, make sure one of them is Philly. That's how much people love you. So I said fuck it. Now I was in my kitchen at the hotel and the pieces of paper fell out on the floor

and I caught it because they could fucking disappear. And I got it and I put it under my Jersey Mike's point card where it was nice and tight and I put a piece of tissue in there so it couldn't fucking fall out. And boom, there we are. Here we are. A little acid, though, for us. But you know what? It's not the acid that I used to get as a kid.

We dropped it at nine something. It's 1026. I'm not seeing nothing. But we haven't played any music yet. What do you want to play? Let's play some fucking music. Just to get this fucking party started. I didn't bring my vapor pen, but we got a fucking, we got a jar of that gorilla biscuit.

Oh, gee. You want to smoke more on top of this? This is how you find a fire. Oh, my God. This is how you find a fire. What we're going to do is we're going to do the pot. We're going to put a song on, something to trip to. You want to put something heavy on?

Fuck it. Something really heavy? Extra heavy. Deep, deep, deep, heavy, how deep? All right. Let's play on Sabbath, Bloody Sabbath. Just for the fucking lyrics. And then we'll blast into some...

Is this Sabbath, Bloody Sabbath? Maybe some fucking brain salad surgery by Emerson Lake and Palmer or something like that. I don't fucking know, Lee. Fuck, we're doing it down. Hold on. They didn't take it down. That thing lives on there. Well, no, I'll find it somewhere else.

It's just the one we had saved. Watch the beginning of this. It's fucking the guitar. It's tremendous. Oh, yeah, I'm going to do it. Come on. It's how you do it, fucksackers. Oh, shit.

I hope you're with me, motherfuckers. Monday morning, September 28th, October's coming. Who the fuck do you think you're dealing with? It's the church, bitch. Edibles, Acid O, a fucking number. And ten days of fucking Vegas in New York City. And I'm still taking, bitches. Fucking.

Grab your balls. It's going to be a beautiful motherfucking week. Listen, man, it was a great fucking week. That's all I want to say. And I got it. The reason why I'm doing this, I really, we're lucky. We're fucking lucky, man. When I was up on 148th Street walking around and I walked up that hill.

I can't tell you how lucky we are that we have each other and that we're growing. Every day we grow together on the show and we see different things. And hey, people come and people go. I get it, man. I don't give a fuck. As long as you got something and you fucking, but this weekend I really learned about friendship again. I never forget about it. I always keep it dear to my fucking heart because I saw the gift of it as a child and it blossomed.

And just sitting across from Timmy and talking to him and sitting across from Lube's this week and going to dinner with Venere and James and just seeing my friends. I don't know. It makes me validate. I don't know. It just really makes you value the gift of friendship, man. You have a friend. You know, everybody always says, I don't have enough friends. I just got an email a few weeks ago, a guy, so he was shy and he has friends because he doesn't know how to.

And I go, you know what? To have good friends, you got to be a good friend. That's it. That's the bottom fucking line. You know, you want a guy to like you. You want to build a bond with somebody. You got to pick up the fucking phone. You got to invite them to do shit.

And that's how you build bonds, you know? Anybody could build a fucking, be fake friends. You know, I hate this Hollywood fake friendship. It's scary to invite. Like, I'm a sharp person too. I don't have many friends outside of this. Like, I'll invite somebody. It's hard to do that.

We meet people. We meet different people. You meet 10 people. If you're normal, you don't like three of them, correct? Maybe. I mean, three people you don't like, right? Maybe you have the same, not the same, yeah. Interests.

Yeah. You have the same fucking interests, whatever the fuck it is. You pursue it. You keep in touch with them. You let them know you have their back. For those kids that came to get me at the hotel and whatever, let me tell you something. I know that I could ask them for anything.

I don't want nothing from them. But that's dirty ears. They're not around because they're fake friends. They're like, hi, we knew each other in the eighth grade. Oh my God, my son loves you now. Fuck that. They've been there since day one. They fed me when there was nothing there.

There was no reason to feed me. There was no reason for them to fucking invite me to the house. I was just a fucking dirty kid from the neighborhood. That was a thief. But somewhere in their fucking, somewhere in their soul, they fucking gave me a chance. They gave me a chance, bro, and a lot of people didn't. So I'm really happy to have that.

And if you have that in your life, those certain people, maybe you're up to track with them, pick up the fucking phone. And that's it because, like I've said a thousand times, all you need is three people in your life. See, what happened was that show friends fucked every young man up after that. Everybody wants to hang out with eight people. Oh my God, and have parties and go on vacations. Fuck that noise.

Three motherfuckers. Somebody gets killed. Nobody knows nothing. All those movies, right? When they go and I'm back. I bought some parties. These guys, they killed the strip. And now you got to worry about eight people.

It's a joke. But what I'm saying is in reality, man, the gift of friendship is fucking beautiful. I'm very fortunate to, uh, they've really seen it from the inside out. A lot of people never get this gift of friendship from the inside out. So what do you think, fucko? I think it's pretty cool.

You want to smoke another joint? No, really? Why don't we smoke another number? Set this mother, set the page, and it's loose. Bro, I don't know. Okay, home. You know how you're getting home. You're fine.

Oh, my God. You weigh 50 milligrams a day. 200 milligrams. Oh, fucking stop it. Stop it. It's always this. It's always that. There's a lot of person right there, gentlemen.

Ladies and gentlemen of the court. What are you looking for? Nothing. I ain't looking for dick. Every time I ask you, you sit there like, I'm gonna be in Toledo, Ohio this weekend. At the funny bone. But listen, anyway, let's start from scratch here.

This weekend, when I went down to New York, I actually missed the hemp protein, the arctic chocolate hemp protein. I got the recipe down so good now with the ice cubes, how many ice cubes, with the water, with the banana. That is the best fucking, and I've had other proteins. Other companies say, hey, try our protein. I've tried it.

I like the chocolate flavor. Audit has the best fucking hemp cocoa fucking protein you'll ever taste, and they say the hemp is better for you and your stomach. I don't know nothing about this. I just know I never get clogged up. None of that stuff. Audit has some great fucking products.

They really do. Today, I took the shrewd tech, and I also took the one, the thing before I got on the plane. I only got one package left, because it's a six-hour fucking flat. I didn't sleep last night. What's it called? Turn around 180.

I put that right in the water. As soon as they came, the ladies were like, what do you want? I said, no. Give me fucking water, bitch. She gave me a little container of water. I put it right in there. I shook that motherfucker.

I drank that. I had already two stars in me. I don't have time for chit-a-chatter. I popped that whole fucking gown, a little eight, 16-ounce water with the 180. Listen, guys, I had my little breakfast. I went to sleep at three hours to sleep at an air mass. I only took an hour and a half nap today.

I'm here with you guys. That's it. I don't know. You see, I'm so jet-lagged. That's for fucking pussies. Six hours there, six hours back. I didn't sleep the night before. Save it for somebody else.

That's the power of fucking honor. The poop is in the pudding. Look at my fucking eyes. And I came up and played with the fucking two-and-a-half-year-old. So don't fucking tell me. Go to honor.com, whether it's the Shroom Tech Sport, the Turn Around 180, the Alpha Brain, which is basically the fucking Turn 180

with just different stuff in it. That's all this is. Alpha Brain even helps when you're flying against jet lag. Not that I'm one of those guys that's going to sit there and cry. Do you have jet lag? No. I'm not one of those fucking half-and-half fruit geeks. Do me a favor.

Go to honor.com right now and press in. And get 10% off on your first order. If you fly a lot, honor is the way to fucking go. Even if you just want to lift weights or whatever, whatever you want to do, walk around the neighborhood, honor protein powder, the hemp protein, as good as it gets. That Shroom Tech, when I fly, look at me, I'm not sick. People fly, they get sick.

Shroom Tech, not the immune. Again, there you have it, people. So the proof is in the pudding. I don't give a fuck what you think. For you guys that are single, you know, you go home at night, you gotta eat fast food, you don't know what the hell to eat. I got an idea for you.

How about some blue apron? Blue aprons got some delicious, nutritious meals, but the best thing is, it's gourmet recipes and all fresh ingredients. All you need to do is make them and they get delivered right to your door. Blue apron, let me tell you what they got this week, for the two person plan.

I don't care how lonely you are, you could always find some fucking mook to come over and eat. They got the pan-seed steaks and the Cajun catfish. Are you fucking kidding me or not? Are you kidding me or what? It gets delivered right to your door. All you gotta do is take it out of the box, put out your frying pan, your baking pan,

whatever it costs for. They even send you the seasonings. You do everything. They do everything. All you gotta do is put it together. They tell you 425 for 16 and a half minutes. They tell you everything. A fucking mo-mo could figure this out.

Okay, so what you do is, that's for the two person plan. Let's say you got a family of four. Let me tell you what they got. They got shepherd's pie. They got chicken pressed tortas. I mean, come on. Who can live with these things? Because I don't know how to make a chicken torta

nice and pressed with different cheeses. They always got nice salad. Everything is always on the healthy side. The calories, I mean, this is great. Between 500 and 700 calories. Between 500 and 700 calories a meal. Yeah, they saw some bum on there, twittin' to Joe Rogan, me, and whatever the thing.

Let me tell you something. I get these sent to me. I love them. I fucking love them. I can name like 10 dishes. The tilapia they sent me was delicious. They sent me those tacos. Everything I've gotten from them

that I have cooked in that house and my wife makes the bok choy and all that. She likes that stuff when I'm out of town. Do me a favor, all right? I'm doing you a salad again. As our listeners will get two meals for free. Go to blueapron.com.com slash Joey

and start cooking incredible meals at home with blueapron.com. So please, go to blueapron.com. Look at the menus. Look at the prices. You're gonna be blown away, but I'm gonna do you one better. I'm gonna give you two meals for free

right off the bat. Think about this. Pan-seared steaks delivered to the house. You're tired. You don't know what the hell you want to do. 9 out of 10, you go eat fast food or whatever. It's the same amount of money. You cook it.

You control your calories. You get healthy. Do me a favor, blueapron.com slash Joey and get two meals for free on Uncle Joey. Again, naileditlife.com. You got a vapor. You like smoking wax. You want to see the motherfucking devil.

Go to naileditlife.com right now and look at the great selection of vapor pens they got. Plus, they do those Goomies and Monos, but unless you live in California, you're getting dick. Don't even ask dummy. All right, so do yourself a favor. Go to naileditlife.com. First order, you get on the vapor pen 20% off.

So it's 50. You get it for 40. Deliver it to your house. Everything we do here, I get it delivered to your house. That's the beauty of blueapron. And get delivered to your house. The vapor pen, delivered to your house. On it, delivered to your house.

Use cold word Joey Diaz to get the vapor pen. Use cold word Joey Diaz to use the vapor pen. Also, a lot of people complain about the bottles. And when I put the nasal spray in my nose, do me a favor. Go listen to somebody else. I'm not fucking around with your people. I come up here on a Sunday night away from my family. Well, can you please use a different form of container?

You're making too much garbage. How about when they come in your mouth? What do you do with that? Please. Some of you motherfuckers listen to the wrong. I'm over it. We have a fucking family here. If a little water bottle is sold to you, maybe you're hanging out with the wrong people.

Maybe you go to Starbucks and get a little hat with the umbrella. Whatever the fuck you do, all right? How are you feeling, Lisa? I'm feeling pretty great. Society makes a big deal about nothing, Lee. Lee, this is what I've been trying to talk to you for 20 years. When I was a kid, they tried to scare the shit out of me. I live in fear, Lee.

I live in fear. I was scared to go into a fucking jiu-jitsu gym. I almost ran away. I live in fear. Don't be scared of nothing in your life. Give it a fucking shot. Who gives a fuck? Who gives a fuck?

You're not going to die. You think my buddy would give us something that's going to make us die? Isn't it going to make us sound like we're going to give a little smile on your face? Listen, this ain't the ass that I used to get in 80 fucking 1 or 78 or whatever. We were high for 12 hours. We'd already be off our rockers. We'd be hearing noises and shit. Thank God that's not happening.

Can we put 10 milligrams of tea? 200 milligrams. That's not 200. You know I never give you 200. You do. You eat more than 200 on a regular basis. I've been lying here for fucking years. Cut it out, cock-suckers.

We're back tomorrow at 8 o'clock with my main man, Mickey Slicky Bentoncourt. And then we're back Wednesday afternoon with the church of what's happening now. Again, thank you, people. Came out to Vegas to support it, the special. And thanks to all the motherfuckers who came out this weekend. This is becoming something great, man. I love you guys. You guys are making me a fucking better person.

So thank you for helping me, man. All right? Like I said, you got people in your life that matter. Go give them a fucking tackle. I love those guys. I really did. I had a great fucking time with you. You had a great time the last few times you went.

Yeah, so thank you very much. See you motherfuckers tomorrow night. Monday morning you'll be listening to this. Wake up. Grab your cock. Ain't nothing for free, cock-suckers. Can I have the fucking? Come on, Lee.

Put the fucking music on again. You're slowing me down. You're slowing me down, man. You're just slowing you down, man. Give me your paper. There you go. And whatsoever I fall all became my laugh Just went every day

Seemed to greet me with a smile Some's about to fade in Now I'm doing time Now I'm doing time Cause I fell on Bad days I fell on Bad days

Whomsoever I've cared Said come now Whomsoever I've cradled I'll put you there I'm a searchlight so they're safe But I can't see it in the night I'm only freaking When I get it right

When I get it right Cause I fell on Bad days I fell on Bad days How would I know That this could be my fate How would I know

That this could be my fate Do what you want it to be Cause it's made you blind Do what you want it to be Cause it's made in mind So don't you lock up from them That you want it to suffice Hands out for shaking

Now I'm dying Now I'm dying I said don't mind the change I said don't mind the change Yeah I said don't mind I said don't mind the change I said don't mind the change Cause I fell on

Bad days I fell on Bad days How would I know That this could be my fate How would I know That this could be my fate How would I know

That this could be my fate How would I know That this could be my fate How would I know That this could be my fate How would I know That this could be my fate How would I know

That this could be my fate How would I know That this could be my fate How would I know That this could be my fate How would I know That this could be my fate