Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #321 - Mick Betancourt

Episode Date: September 29, 2015

  Mick Betancourt, Comedian, television writer and producer, and host of "The Mick Betancourt Show" joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio.   This podcast is brought to you by:   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for five Hit E Cig's for $50   Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by using code word joeydiaz. They are also produce some of the best edibles on the market, Los Gummies Hermanos   Recorded live on 09/28/2015.
   Music:  Killing In The Name Of - Rage Against The Machine El Raton - Fania All Stars Featuring: Cheo Feliciano and Santana  

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Use code word JOYSCHURCH to get 20% off. And if you live in California, they are the makers of Los Gumi Shermanos. Go to naileditlife.com for all of their information. Oh, shit. Kick that Lee. Kick that Lee. I'm over here fucking deaf. I can't hear it.

September 28th, the church of what's happening now. This is the attitude. This is the mental tooth. This is what's written on your dick. Here you go. Kick it, Lee. Put some bass in that motherfucker, Lee. Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. The day the devil was buried at sea. Motherfucker. Oh, what? What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? The church of what's happened now. Your host, Lee Syat, Joey Diaz, my main man in house, make betting court. It's a beautiful day to be alive, you bad motherfuckers.

What'd it do? Oh, my God. Everything all right in your world? Fucking great. I can't believe that's from Sesame Street. What's that? Yeah, man. That's a good fucking little jam.

Kids jumping up and down. I would love to play that in the sixth grade. When I was a freshman in high school, I failed. I didn't fail. I did something with algebra. I failed algebra. So I had to go to summer school. So they said, listen, if you're going to take three, you might as well take,

if you're going to take one class, you might take two and get ahead of the game. So I decided to take world history. And the teacher was this guy named Freddy Teranova. And he was known for being hilarious and for nobody's ever cut him. He had the reputation that you just did not cut his class. People went to school just to, the teacher was that cool. I still talked to him. No shit.

But the first day of summer school, he goes, put away your books. And he fucking took out a record plane. He put on Woodstock and he sat in the back of the class and just started yelling, that's fucking history. Fuck Abe Lincoln. He could suck my dad. And we're dying the fucking, that's why nobody ever fucking cut him. Because he was every fucking lesson he taught.

Oh my God. He would, his first 15 minutes was he'd make you get up. Like from the beginning, like make Betancourt get up. What's up with those shoes? Oh, he'd roast you. Yeah. And then he'd sit down and then the guy behind you. So that was 20 minutes because he knew that no matter what,

you're going to be rushed up for his class. So no matter what, he's not going to get started until he gets you. Yeah. So he wouldn't involve you. He would comb his mustache in the fucking mirror and do this with his eyebrows and everybody would see it. I'll never forget there was this Hindu girl named Ahuba. And she had size fucking 19 feet.

Her feet were fucking ginormous. And they were wearing sandals even back then, those fucking. I wonder what her name really was. Ahuba? Ahoba. The fuck's wrong with you? Of course that's a real name. Fuck like you changed it to Ahuba.

Like a real name with some notes. She's like, you know what, I better change this. No, I know what he's saying. I'm not saying she changed it. I'm saying after 30 years. So her name was Ahuba. So throughout the class. After it's come to the marijuana filter.

After the class, you know, during the class, the whole class would say, the whole class would say, this is Ahuba. Ahuba. Here at the reunion. Hey, Ahuba. My name's Mary. I didn't see it at the Ahuba. She was like an Indian chick.

People like Ahuba. Ahuba. I mean, one day he picked this up and he goes, hey guys, lighten up on the Ahubas. She was sitting right there. What's up, Lee? How was that acid trip? Describe it to me.

I recorded a podcast, I think it was terrifying. It was good until you started wiggling around and made that poster behind you. Like start swirling into different colors. But other than that, it was good. I just, it was, uh, they scare you. Like I took dare and like you think things are going to be different. So far, everything I've taken is pretty much the same high.

Mushrooms, weed and acid, it's pretty much the same. You know, man, mushrooms aren't the same as if it was up to. In a way, like a light amount of mushrooms. Well, they know you're taking the wrong amount. Well, yeah. I mean, he hasn't given me like 18 grams yet. Pretty soon. You usually got to chomp about half an eighth to get fired up and then.

No, a good gram. A good fucking gram. What's an eighth? Three, three point five. Yeah. So a good gram. You should be fucked up on. I was never a mushroom guy.

You were, you were. South of Jersey. I was an acid guy. So it was fun. I like the way my back would feel like someone was doing, you know, trying to bend a piece of metal when this was like this wasn't the last two times I've done acid. It wasn't what it was.

Like take your way type shit, but you were not taken away. It wasn't the one I called you this morning. You were not still wide awake. If that was good acid, we would have not slept. Oh, yeah. I was tired at 1230. I was in bed at 1230. Oh, that's a good nice buzz.

Then we took it at eight. We took it at a quarter to eight. And I was in bed by 1230. That was your first time ever. Well, it's kind of hard to tell what happened because we also did take a lot of edibles. We took 200 milligrams of edibles to test. Wait me.

200 to get you there. 200. To get you there. As a buffer. Okay. I don't want them to get hit. Let's say the acid is really good. You know, if you're out and about and the acid hits you,

it should take you for a loop for about seven minutes. You're not for a fucking loop. And I didn't want him to panic if he got, if it was that strong. We were at a Denny's one time and this guy goes, hey, I got one hit of acid. Who wants it? We're standing outside. And I go, I want it.

So I take it and I eat it. And I go to my friend Jimmy and they had all taken acid before I go, hey, it just took some acid. Can I sleep over at your house tonight? And he goes, fuck, is there any more acid? I go, I took it all. And he goes, now I got a fucking baby situation all night. I'm like, God, don't worry about it.

So I paid to this girl that I was dating. Straight-laced girl, like cat, like just every choice she made in her life was fucking the right one. So I'm like, listen, drop me off over there. And if I start to get squirrelly, I'll call you. We go in the basement. It's all stucco walls. And she goes, you know, I'm just really glad you here.

My grandfather just died. I love him. And I start looking at the fucking walls and skulls start pouring out of the walls. I'm like, I need your fucking phone. I need your fucking phone. So I'm starting to fucking, I got a phone and I'm going like this. She's like, why are you poking the air?

Because the buttons were just coming off the phone. And I go, I need the fucking nine. And they fucked up some time. She's like, are you on drugs? I'm like, you're insane. So I'm walking around with my hands on the fucking wall, going find the fucking nine. The last number in Jimmy's fucking pager is nine.

She goes, it's on the phone. He came and got me. Best friend, you know, a good pal that is like, all right, I'm going to, I have to sit with this knucklehead now until six in the morning. And I'm literally on the front, on his front porch going, there's alligators in your trees. He's like, okay, guys, good job.

So you're full on hallucinations. I like, I didn't, I had like, so I had some wavy stuff. Yeah, some wavy stuff. And I started, there was a, like a soccer commercial for like, what, like whatever that Manchester United. And it had like little kids running around. Got a little teary-eyed brother than that. Nothing really.

No. Oh my God. No, no, no. I'm telling you this. Would you ever go, would you ever want to go there though? Would you ever want to like, either lose touch with reality or at least have it be about half and half? For a four hours, three hours.

You have done it. Listen, man, before, like he used to, he used to get mad at me because I would say no to edibles. Like, and I would, I would, now I just can't, no, it's not even that. Now when your eyes are open, you're like, what the fuck's going on? Yeah. I've given up basically fighting him on it. I think it would be fun.

I don't, it was, it was a lot. And then I Ubered home and that was terrible. You never got that on mushrooms. You never, you never, we took such a little amount. I don't think. Oh, you got to set them off. I didn't want to set them off. You know, I didn't want him to go off.

You know, it's bad enough. I take them into murky waters with the edibles. What's weird about this building is, is you're in this room and if you go out and it's your first time and he's, you know, he's going to want to walk around and it was just gunshots outside. But the funny thing is, this is, there's not much to react to. Ask it to relieve here. There's a Denny's.

There's a gay bar or we could get in the car and go to Hollywood, which I'm too old to go to Hollywood. Whatever. You need to be. What's that word that you need to be when you do acid? It's got to be an oval like the lights. Oh, yeah, yeah. Visually stimulating.

Visually stimulates. Like a Vegas or Vegas. So I went to like the band I like on acid. That'd be fun. First of all, we should have done now for the next time. We'll do two. If I get the opportunity. Oh my God.

You dropped two or three of them to really, really. Two and right. One of you that's tingle starts at the third and a lot of reefer, you know, a lot of reefer to feed it. I like when you think you're coming down and you jack up again or like, we're like, okay, we're good now. Let's drive home. And also it's five in the morning and something happens and you start giggling.

I actually miss that. I can't tell you how many answers I got. Like people went in this movie with whatever that we went to see last week. Black mass. Black mass. Did you see it? Was it good? You were on?

I was out with you. It's okay. You didn't see it with me? I saw it next to you. You did? Yeah. Where? At this all point.

Oh, that's right. I'm sorry. That's right. He was there. You know, there's a part where he says that he took 70 ass experiments when he was in prison. Oh, you know, that he's crazy. They were like, he's crazy. Oh, is that LSD?

Like, yeah, he did LSD experiments in prison. He volunteered for $10, you know, 70 times or something like that. Oh my God. 70 times is what I did from November to December, my sophomore year in high school, because I was selling it. But I remember like I would be upset about at that time. I was upset about my mom. I was upset about my life, living with people.

I was upset about not having a girlfriend or not. That's crazy that you took acid though, because usually like I would drink or I would smoke weed. That was that relieved the pressure. Acid so intensified everything. Makes your mind. Yeah. I wanted to break it out.

I wanted to work it out. So I'd go home, take a hit of acid and sit in the dark and listen to megalomania. I listened to black Sabbath sabotage from beginning to end over and over and over thinking until I got the answer to my whatever. Yeah. Whatever band-aid I needed. There's nothing else like that. Oh, like, I mean, I've done mushrooms.

There's that. What's what do they call that? A guy that was on my podcast did the South American Amazon jungle thing. What is that thing that's like? Kaluska. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Iowaska. Iowaska.

That's what he did. Ahuba. And just went to fucking Jupiter and back. Ahuba. I did heavy duty window pain. And I did heavy. There was another acid that I did one night and it took me four or five hours where you're like you look yourself in the mirror.

You're drooling. You're fucking your pale. Your eyes are wide open. You know, you don't have it last night. No, no, no, no. Oh, man, this is rocket ship. This is taking acid at 630 with your friends. And at five in the morning, you're still giggling dog.

Oh, yeah. And from 11 to three, you went through the heaviest fucking part. You were at a party with six of your friends. And every time you looked at each, it's really weird because. Yeah, you're connected. You're connected. Me, you and Mick go to a party. There's a hundred people at this party.

You start talking to Jordan. I start talking to fucking, you know, Brett Ernest and Mick Bandicoke was talking to Amy Schumann. But I'm just saying these things. We could be 30 yards apart and every eight minutes we will pop our head up, look at each other and go back at each other. That's when you know that life and energy are fucking dead. When you're partying at that level, that was a situation.

The week before my mom died, I went to a Halloween party that by law, I wasn't allowed to go to. Like it was one of those adult Halloween parties, like the seniors and the seniors are supposed to be cool. And these were the cool kids at school. But one of the guy, I hung out with his brother, two of their brothers from that clique. So I got invited to this Halloween party.

It wasn't an attic. But the beauty of it, there was a hole in the middle of the attic. And every 18 minutes, somebody would fall out of that attic. Fucking hilarious. What? Yes. So you had to climb a ladder to get to this attic from the basement.

So no, not from the basement. You walked into the garage. It wasn't connected to the house. So you basically walked into the garage and there was a ladder. And then you walked up the ladder into an attic that was finished. But the hole was in the middle of the fucking thing. And the ladder was only like four inches over the line. So you, a lot of people didn't see it.

And no one put it like a chair, a sign. You took your chances. And all these 18, 17 year olds were there. And this is a week before my mother died. I remember this night vividly, vividly, because a lot of shit happened. I'm like, I went outside and all of a sudden, I was walking with this girl that I was not dating at all

by no means or even having the illusion of dating. We were just, a bunch of us went outside to get at. And her 18 year old, 19 year old boyfriend was driving by and saw her with these six guys outside just getting air in a Halloween costume, pulled over and grabbed her and dragged her to the fucking car. And I knew this kid could kick the shit out of all six of us. And out of my natural reaction, even under the acid,

I ran at the guy and I go, stop. And he put her in the car and he goes, I'll deal with you fucking later, motherfucker. And people are like, you're dead. He's gonna come looking for you. And that Tuesday, I bumped into him. He was like, hey man, what you did, dear night. Thank you.

I was out of line. And we became dear friends forever. Wow, from that night, that was one of the, in fact, the only reason why we were gonna go hook up with a girl and she goes, the girls are around the corner. I'll take you over to where the girls are that you guys are looking for. That's what really happened.

And that was the night I kept calling home. I had no curfew at that time. All my mother wanted me to do was just to call in, call in. I mean, I was doing acid or mech. I was doing, I got into snorting angel dust mice going into sophomore year that summer. And I got a lung infection and I was spitting blood, but it was from Paracott.

Paracott was a chemical that was sprayed on marijuana and then to destroy it. And I smoked a lot of it and I got this infection in my lung. I spent two weeks in the hospital. I got out of the hospital. In fact, oh my God, look up, just so you know, I'm not bullshitting none of you, mother, for this is crazy. Look up the night that Muhammad Ali

fought Holmes, Larry Holmes, what date did that happen on? That was the night? Watch this. I'm just gonna see if I'm even fucking close. Maybe I'm wrong with the date. Is Lee's striped shirt gonna explode? Am I? Let's see.

Go ahead. That's a really crazy fucking thing if this is. October 3rd, 1980, I think. Is that right? Is that right? No, it was the... I want you to look at Muhammad Ali's fights and see what he fought in 79.

Who did he fight in 79? He usually tells you in the IMDb. Wikipedia. Wikipedia, tell you all his fights. Okay. And he'll see who he fought in 79 and what date he fought in 79. This is craziness.

I could be wrong. See if we can find it. Yeah. Oh, here we go. Oh, there it is. Okay. He fought once or twice in 79. I want to know if this is correct.

He didn't fight in 79 according to... Oh, here we go. In 80, it was in 80. So he lost to Larry Holmes on October 2nd of 80. And then the only fight before that was Leon Spinks. He beat in... Also remember that you were on acid. No, there was somebody...

He was either Larry Holmes fought somebody. There was a big fight that night. And it was in September of 79 because that's when I went to the hospital. I went to the hospital. For your lungs? For my lungs. On the night I got out, I was in there for 10 days.

Holy shit. And the night I got out, there was a party that I couldn't miss. And I remember getting out at 2 in the afternoon and having 100 hits of acid in my pocket. What's his name? Holmes had a fight on September 28th of 79 in Vegas. What's today's date?

The 28th. Who the fuck do you think you're dealing with, motherfuckers? Don't ever tell me my fucking business. Who the Holmes fight? Who the fuck... Who the fuck did Holmes fight? I'm...

Ernie Shavis. Ernie Shavis. I told you there was a big fight that night because I still remember where the party was. I drove past it the other night. And here's the funny thing about that party. There was a part of town in my hometown, Northburg, it was 64th Street Field.

This party was off it. And some of the people from 64th Street Field, all of us took windowpane acid, four-way acid, it wasn't windowpane, I'm lying. And some kids showed up, that was crazy. And while we're tripping, because this only happens when you do acid leak, this is the other flip side of acid.

Things, people come to you and do a weird thing. This guy shows them, and they say, how are you guys doing? And he would spit into the air and let it land in his mouth. And that's what he was doing all night. He could fucking... No, no, but he did not know we were on acid. We didn't know to fucking do it.

He came up, we were hanging on a circle. You know, you hang on a circle and some guy came up, hey man, what's happening? And somebody felt he was doing something, he goes, oh, I'm talking about spitting, look what I can do. But he'd spit up in the air and he'd catch it with his own fucking mouth.

We're on acid. That was September 28th, 1979, a bunch of... And I got out of the hospital and I didn't stop. That was the drug of choice then. That was pre-cocaine. Cocaine was out there, but we were kids. We were listening to music. Cocaine and music just didn't go together.

It was Studio 54. We were listening to Sabbath and Aerosmith. That called for fucking reefer, mescaline and fucking, ups and shit like that. What's up, Lee? I mean, who the fucking nuts? Lee, you're on death's doorstep. I just can't imagine.

No, I'm fine. Honestly, tonight's like, because we only smoked. I can't imagine you being 15, being sober for two weeks, and then just doing months of straight ass. Coming out and just that scene at that time, at that age, there were so many clicks and so many things going on. I was selling so much of it. I couldn't play football.

I wasn't going to play basketball, so I had already committed. I had that lung infection in August. It took me a month to go to the hospital. I didn't want to go to hospital. I was spitting pure blood. Yeah, you don't want to miss shit. I didn't want to miss shit.

Being this fucking tough, man. Oh, it's tough. So here I am in this fucking thing, and I'm eating acid every time I went out of the house. I eat, you know, at that time, it was like an edit before me. I was dropping, when most kids were sweating, I hit a mescaline. I was eating two of them already.

Me and Didi and this guy, and we're just eating this fucking acid. And this led into the night. My mother died a week before, that Halloween part. My mom died on November 8th. That was a Halloween party. It was like on November 1st, you know, one of those Saturdays after Halloween type deals. So I went out with the, we were tripping our balls off.

And I remember walking home then, and I'm walking the door at five in the morning, and she smacked me in the face. And I was coming down off the acid. But the night that I found my mom dead, I walked into that house full trip moment. Like, we dropped to that 6.30, and at 10, there was a fight. So the cops came.

So we all had to run into different directions. I hooked up with this girl. I started making out with her. Her curfew was 10.30. Here I am fighting. And then once you start walking, it's like going on stage on an edible. You add gasoline.

You're just adding adrenaline. Once you start walking, the acid- The blood's going down. And then I got to my house. I remember laying down and faking the funk and trying to be asleep. And I went into this acid-type sleep. And when I found my mother on the floor,

I was in the tail end of acid. It just fucking erased the feeling. Like, right there. And a week later, I started on the acid again. It was my drug of choice at that time. I had gone on. Oh, shit. I didn't know you found your mom. Yeah.

When you weren't tripping. Yeah, at the tail. Like, I did the- So you called 9-1-1? Call 9-1-1. So you're still tripping? At that time, it was the haze, the tail end. I remember going to eat breakfast with my friends.

Like an hour after I found it. And that calmed me down. And then I just- I didn't sleep that night. And then you just popped some more to fucking check on? No, no, no. I didn't do nothing for a few days. I just had a-

Because I had family and people coming. You were feeling all awake and everything? I still was smoking dope. Don't get me wrong. But I wasn't drinking or anything like that. I didn't do anything. But that's how- That's how-

And then after that, I went- I went on an acid trip. You know, I went to see Pink Floyd, The Wall. I went to a couple more concerts in 80. Who took you, though? You stayed at the department? No, I moved in with friends of mine. We had a house in Northbury, and I moved in with friends of mine.

But it was funny how I really, really liked acid. That's why I didn't mess around with mushrooms when I moved to Colorado. Yeah, that's more- And to me, and I want to be honest with you. For me, I want the heavy shit. I want to see the devil. I say this in one of my-

See, but I never got that with the acid. I always got it with the mushrooms. The hardest I ever tripped was on mushrooms. Hands down. I used to do some fucking acid, man, that you'd catch that four-hour window, and you'd just sit there and look and stare and see things and have thoughts in your head and giggle.

And, you know, I remember going to a movie theater with two other friends, and I looked at a buddy of mine. I gave him, like, a weird look, and all of a sudden I started saying, You hear sirens? And my buddy's like, I hear those fucking sirens. That's fucking loud.

And my buddy's like, We don't hear sirens. I'm like, What do you mean you don't hear sirens? And we went back and forth for like 10 minutes. He's like, Guys, don't fuck with me. I don't hear no fucking sirens. And we're like, Dog, I can't take it no more. And there was a little,

it was a pothole filled with water. It had just rained. We were walking back from the Fairview movie theater up there. He bent over and he took the puddle and started hitting his face with it. And they just took off running. We were howling, shit like that, you know. I remember being in San Francisco in 1985

and taking this blot of acid. That was fucking amazing. I was working at hate Ashbury and I bought it from one of those hate Ashbury grateful dead motherfuckers. And me and this girl, my daughter's mother, the one that I have the beef with, took two hits a piece. The one who took the mustard.

We don't know took the mustard. We fucking took, we took two hits a piece and went to a party downtown San Francisco. I'll never forget. We were in this huge room and her and I were talking with this other like, you know, intellectual, thought he knew shit. And I kept looking at the poster.

The people had a great poster of Bruce Lee. And I kept looking at the post and I go, don't say nothing to her. And I keep looking at Bruce Lee every four minutes. I go, don't say nothing to her. And I mean, this went throughout the party. Like people kept looking at the poster going, what's he saying?

Don't say nothing to her. It's great. Be able, acid is a lot of fun once you control it. If you take it scared. Oh, forget it. You're done. You will be scared. And that like, I look at the youth that's like,

when people say that word bad trip, it drives me crazy. Yeah. You, you, you were going as bad trip. You didn't have a bad trip. You're a pussy. That's what happened. You're a fucking faggot.

And all those trips, I never had a bad trip. It's like cocaine. This is what happens. Let's say I got an eight ball of coke in my pocket and I get off the 101 South North. Let's say where I live now and I drive down to Hungary. And then that by the terminal, I see two cop cars just talking, just talking.

That goes into your mind. So when you park the car and go upstairs to your house and start doing your weight and your brain, your way, you stay in your mind, you're waiting for those two cops. Your mind creates the paranoia in this scenario. So like, let's say, I don't even know what creates a bad trip really, but I've had thousands of young kids in Boulder. Some people can fuck with you too.

I've had a bad trip. I never, I took more acid than any of these motherfuckers. I took more acid than fucking black mass. And I can tell you, I never had a bad trip. So that's all bullshit. That's just people a week. I never, ever, ever, ever had a bad trip. But you was freaked out or something?

No, I never freaked out. Never freaked out. Never know. And listen, you got that guy's got to remember something. I'm an only child. I love doing shit by myself. Give me your keys, Lee. I got a piss roll.

What the fuck are you doing, man? Can I just take a quick piss? I know, I got down this fucking bottle of water. I'll literally be two seconds. Yeah, so you, that was very mild last night. The one that Ari and I bought for Pink Floyd that time, downtown. That was very fucking mild. So wait, what's the difference?

Like, keep hearing like blotter, windowpane. Is there, do you know the difference or is it really kind of like? Well, the blotter that I knew was a piece of drip on a paper. Okay. Okay. And then windowpane was this chip of glass that we used to get. Oh. Or it came in a capsule.

One time I did it in a capsule, believe it or not. And then there was this other stuff that was tiny, that on the street it was called mescaline. Mescaline's the fucking plant in Arizona, whatever the fuck that is. But on the street it was called mescaline. It was, and we call it micro dot. It was very, it was just a dot. It was a little tiny pill that looked like,

and it was purple micro dot, red devil micro dot. It came in aluminum foil. That's how I saw it. I put aluminum foil and just give it to you. If you drop it, if you fucking drop it, you'd lose it. That's how small it was. Jesus. It was fun.

And then we had the drops. Like liquid? Liquid that came in a vizim while people put it on a shooting cube. That's tremendous. That was the shit night daddy. Remember micro dots? And then the micro dots, as I was telling him, we put aluminum foil.

Yeah. I loved all that shit. I love music. The music I love. The reason why I love music so much, it was because you give me a hit of acid and a couple of joints. Shit. I put on four fucking arms back to back to the rock.

You fucking whirled. It's a while. That was the, that was the gym. You were on, that's why they called it a trip. You were on a whole jam. It wasn't like it was your high for 30 minutes and it's over. I got booted out of college and my roommate, he had an older sister.

He goes, listen, she's having a Christmas slash housewarming party. Do you want to go? Did not good people skills at that time in my life. And I was a little agro because I just got booted out of, I was supposed to go on the Marines. And I got a last minute scholarship to college. Everyone looked like they had, you know, they pulled a lever and fucking money fell out of the sky.

They were all like rich kids, you know, like they had Jansbord backpacks and they fucking, we're going to win at the game of life. I'm like, just fuck. I didn't get it. You know what I mean? So I thought, how am I going to go on this fucking party? I don't know anybody at all.

I'm nervous. I'll take some acid. To know you that. So I took this guy goes, hey, you want to take these two hits? So I took two hits. They turn out to be microdots. So it was actually two hits per hit. So I was on four hits and it's a Christmas slash housewarming party.

So it's not a lot of furniture and I'm in the fucking living room. And I feel this, you know, when someone's looking at you, like I feel like the guy's mad dogging me. So I just turn around like, what's up? And it was the Christmas tree just fucking with me. And you know those, the real silvery ornaments where you see your face and it's distorted. So it was just like a thousand of my faces

on this fucking Christmas tree. So the lady, my friend's sister brings me into a room. She goes, you're fucking losing your shit and you're scaring the guests in my party. So just sit down in this fucking room. And she goes to me, how would you like a magic football? And I go, who the fuck wouldn't want a magic football? Give me that shit.

So she gives me a little black and gray Raiders football, plastic football. And she goes, now you want to know how to activate it? And I go, yeah. And she goes, you fucking yell Raider as loud as you can three times. And then she left. And I was pretty sure this was the only fucking magic football at the party.

So I waited till everyone left the room and I stand up. I'm on four hits acid and I scream at the top of my lungs. Raider, Raider, Raider. And this six foot tall black fucking horse beast comes charging in the room. It was a 220 pound black great Dane whose name was Raider. And I had his fucking chew toy. Oh no.

Oh no. This fucking lady totally set me up. Did she know you were on acid? Oh, she knew I was God in fucking Mars. And I almost, you know, I did not see a dog at the party, let alone one my size. A great fucking Dane when you're on acid. I almost hit my pants.

It jumped, put its paw, you know, I'm all, everything's all fucked up. And I'm, and then I realized 30 seconds in as it's mauling at my face. I fucking thing up in the air and run out of there. So what do you, what drugs don't you recommend? Because you like weed, like we're kind of like. Heroines are fucked up drugs.

Stay away from heroin. Yeah, like do you write like, because there's people out here like me who had never done anything. You take pills. I know you take some pills. Oxycontin's fucked up. Those opioids are horrible. I wouldn't do that.

I mean, by just for the record, I've been clean 13 and a half years for people listening and watching. But you know, just because I can't fucking take drugs, like a gentleman or drink doesn't mean. I took a piece of Oxycontin maybe eight years ago and it was horrible and it wasn't for me. Do you ever watch someone try to stop taking pills? Like norcos and they go into seizures.

It's fucking horrible. I heard it's a horrible situation. So people are doing heroin now. They're used to getting, you know, they get a, you know, like in a car accident, it's totally fucking legit. The doctors prescribe you these opioids. You take them, the insurance thing runs out and you're fucking addicted.

And then you know that where they sell fucking heroin, you'd never in a million years thought you were going to go cop fucking heroin, but you've copped the habit of opioids. Your body fucking needs it and the heroin's cheaper than buying the fucking pills. And then people will legitimately cop a fucking heroin habit. That's happening all over the country right now.

I have the same. When I was on the route to kill myself, I did everything. I could care what it was. Same thing. Two monos, the Kuwait ludes to- Except for heroin. Valium.

I did heroin. I tried everything I could when I was in that thing. You know, some things stop- We shoot in double-ish motion. No, no, I can't see needles. I do it up my nose, the white part of heroin. I just did a couple of bumps and a line of friends. But I knew that if I could get it every night,

heroin, it would have been a problem. But I also knew that until I decided to shoot it, I wasn't getting the full potential and that was never going to happen. So I'm not doing heroin. Do you know what I'm saying? I knew that snorting it and dicking around with it. It's like dicking and pussying around.

If you really want to see the devil, Jimmy Page shoots heroin. Okay? You know, they shoot heroin. Nobody snorts heroin and sees the devil, we need to fucking shoot that motherfucker. So I knew I wasn't getting my full potential. Coke, I dug.

I ran with a friend of mine the other night and we spoke about our evolution with drugs. And he goes, I listen to a podcast and you're right. First six years, five years, four years of cocaine. It's the most fun you're ever going to have in your life. Especially if you have a girl that rises to the occasion and sucks your pipe and lets you come in her asshole when you're on coke because you get evil.

You know, you want to fuck and suck and you- You get evil and you don't think you're evil. Yeah, yeah, you get evil and you don't think you're evil. But then it becomes so nuts. What the fuck is going on? It becomes a paranoia and that's what all drugs. I mean, that's what every single one of them, they all become something different.

Because like he said, valium is great when I first give it to you to fall asleep. Take valium every night to fall asleep and then take those valiums away from your boy. Fall fall. You're going to go, no, I can't fall asleep. Now now you have to learn how to fall asleep on your own. Remember the VIP bathrooms where you'd be in a club

and they'd let like six people in at one time and there'd be a bouncer there and everyone would be going in tooting up, doing some lines. It was in one of these bathrooms, there was a bunch of people in there. I'll never forget this, you won't talk about evil. And you can tell where people are on the slide.

You could tell people that are genuinely good and the escape hatch is about to open and they're about to plummet into hell and they have no fucking idea. And they're surrounded by sharks and they have no clue. This woman was sitting on the 22 maybe, sitting on the sink, top down, a guy blowing rails off of both of her tits

and she looks over at everyone that's in the bathroom and goes, I've only been in Chicago for two weeks and everybody is so nice. And they were just like, what the fuck? Like for me, my stomach turned because I'm like, that's when you want to go, you want to grab her and go, it's all evil. It's all evil.

Everything around you is evil right now. Wherever the fuck you moved from, get back there. Everybody is so nice. Get back there as soon as you can. Apologize to your parents. Get back in school to whatever the fuck you need to do. You're literally submerged in evil. There was this one guy that had the M&M cut

and he had like the little leather bike, like the kind of the members only bikers jagged with two fucking pistols under each arm, like a detectives thing. He was just on, he was on the street, he was a dealer. And she just like clueless. I'm like, you're in a room with a killer, a drug dealer, a bookie,

and me and my pal who were offenses at the time. Everybody is so nice. I'm like, oh fuck. That was one of my bottoms when I looked around and I'm like, I don't want to be part of anything. I love when people meet somebody and they go, how was it? Oh my God, he was so nice.

You moved for 20 minutes. You met him for 20 fucking minutes. What the fuck do you know? And he was so cool. And what time do you know? And what face do you think he's going to show you if he's a savage animal? Is he going to show you the savage animal

and scare you the fuck away? Oh no. Some people just see shit. There's this advanced game out there that you're totally unaware of and you're just going to get lured in. Remember that cartoon where the smoke goes like this? Remember when lures the fucking character

through the rooms? It just picks him up by the nose and they're floating. Straight fucking evil, man. And if you don't know what it looks like, next thing you know, you're right now. You're right. And you don't know. You don't know when you're at that point.

When you're at that point, I didn't know I was at that point of drugs in 1985 where I was going to follow me the rest of my fucking life like a bad case of herpes. I had no idea. I was just doing something for myself to get high and have a great time and have a few drinks.

And it always starts out as a good idea. It always starts out. Everything starts out as... I mean, I know the first person who said, put it in my ass, that started as a good idea. Look at the revolution they started now. Guys want to fuck other guys. Everybody wants to get married.

Popes are talking about it. It's all about a dick in the ass at the end of the week. Rather, or... This is fucking craziness. And the final episode of The Church. Oh, my God. The truth. One day, two guys were hanging out and going,

well, what happened if I put it in your ass? Let's give it a shot. You know, the Pope was obviously just here for like six days. Said some things, right? And it's so funny that like, what are the fucking women? That like, there's no...

You could say whatever the fuck you want. Women are still nuns. They're like, it's your organization, 8% were fucking kids. That's what you were doing. 8%, give or take, and that's the known numbers. So if any company said, well, look, our numbers are great.

We do some good work. If you can overlook the 8% of our employees that fuck kids, it's totally insane to me. And then to say all this shit and women are still subjugated. I don't fucking get it. I don't get it. People see what they want. You can't say shit until women are in your fucking...

It's like, what fucking year is this? Three years ago, I came to you and said, I heard a secret that Jared was a child molester. Both of you should say, Joey, you better get your life together. We believe what we want to believe. No, if you were to said that, you know exactly what would have fucking happened.

We would be over at his fucking house and we would handle it. And the fucking... And nobody would believe that Jared was a child molester three years ago. You didn't know nobody fucking knew. Any inkling of proof or whatever, then they're done. You know what's so funny about the difference between...

Three years ago, that's what I'm saying. That's my point. Nobody knew three years ago that Jared was a child molester. If you looked at him, you just thought he was a fucking goofy fucking dude who waited somewhere every day and lost 100 pounds. That's it. There's a guy that lives...

I live in a cul-de-sac, right? This is the difference between LA and being from Chicago, back east in New York, Jersey. This guy was high and I relate to that, right? But he's football tackling defense at the end of the cul-de-sac and he's making a lot of... I'm like, what the fuck? It sounded like someone kept slamming the gate shut, you know?

And I look, no shoes, full-on fucking Lawrence Taylor in this fucking fence, right? So I go out and he's got a hatchet in his hand. So I'm going, all right, now shit's going a little sideways. Clearly he's on drugs. He's got no fucking shoes. He's got a hatchet in his hand. So my neighbor comes out, reserve police officer

who's now going on to a higher-ranking city official ship. So we call this guy down, the cops come. They go, do you want us to press charges? And we're thinking, this guy lives across the street. I've been fucked up and acting like a lunatic. So I'm going to give this guy a pass. We say, thank you officers, we'll deal with this. So the guy goes back.

Now this guy lives in a shed behind the house. The lady lets him live there, that lives in the house. A guest house, whatever. No, it's a legit fucking tool shed that he's turned into. It's a whole long story. Hey, I've been down and out. One time in my life, I wanted to live in a fucking storage facility because it was only $150 a month.

I live in a storage facility. I'm not fucking judging this guy, right? But what he did was wrong and he smarted off. So I said to my neighbor, 3.30 or 4 o'clock, what do you think? And he's like, what are you talking about? I'm like, we'll meet out here at 3.30, 4 o'clock. We'll rock, paper, scissors for who holds his legs. And the other guy just fucking shellax him for five minutes

and we're done. And he goes, what are you talking about? I go, well, we got to fucking tune him up. Otherwise he's going to fucking do it again. He goes, what's tune him up mean? And I go, the fucking guy's walking around a cul-de-sac with kids with a fucking hatchet. We got to roll him and then call it a day, right?

And he goes, this is, he goes, I'm reserved. I'm like, what are you talking about? And then it clicked. Like you just can't, if that was me and I was the guy and I was the dick. And two guys came in and held me down and beat the fuck out of me. When I came out of my drug stupor and I looked in the mirror

and I saw all of the bruised faces, I would go, that's right. I earned this. I earned this fucking beating. I fucked up. I'm not going to do it again, right? Or am I wrong? You're wrong. Because in the studio, say they locked you up for 10 years.

That's what I'm saying. You ain't going to put a beat on nobody with a hatchet. You guys got to fucking hatch it. You might as well call the cops. Your father, you got to go beat a guy up. Ain't beat nobody to fuck up. Rock paper scissors. The guys on the fucking, nobody's on the rock.

This is a fucking town of busies. That's what I, that was my whole point. Nobody knows fucking nothing. That was the whole point. And the guy with the hatchet, you should let the cops take him. You should let the cops fucking take him. The guy's got to hatch it. I thought there was going to be a bunch of other funds.

No, there's nobody here. But there's fucking nobody here. These people busy at Starbucks talking about their, that's what I'm so fucking fucking shit. Oh, because some guy on the bottom with a fucking hatchet, nobody gonna fucking help you do nothing in this fucking town. Nothing, nothing, nothing. These people are brain dead.

They walk around like, you know, that's why the town is the way it is. Nobody says, Hey, move your fucking car while I'm fucking light on fire. Nobody says that to you. Nobody has that. There's no consequences. There's no consequence in this town.

And you have a thing called the police. And when they come, they look at you and they look at them. And what happened? Well, he said he was going to throw me a, you know, this guy in this town, this is the only town that the guy you said you're going to tune up. He might go in the house and call the cops and said, my neighbor. Yes, it threatened me. Just told me that we should tune some fucking guy up.

This is the weirdest. Listen, we're living in weird times. You know, we're living in a time that if you get into a misunderstanding that cop comes, they turn you around and they tag you and they fucking handcuff you. Where we come from, there was a time when cops came and they said, what happened? Make out a couple beers, joy to the couple lines. There was a misunderstanding. They slapped each other.

Everything's all right. And they give you a ride home. Yeah. Now you're getting charges pressed and you're losing your job. And, and in these fucking places that are fucking whiter than white, they will throw away the fucking key on you. They will, they don't understand that. They don't understand that world.

You know, it's funny. The guy took the high road because it's like you said, you know, in my brain, I'm still 18, but in, you know, he made the more mature choice. No, it's not that he made a mature choice. He doesn't know what the fuck you're talking about. No. Well, yeah. Once I realized that he didn't know it from the jump, they don't know it from the jump.

And they'll never understand. I got an email today that said that they were nice that when we stuck, that I stuck up for you with that thing, because that night it went too fast. Right. Oh, yeah. That's a lie. You know, what happened? And some guy came on here, the fucking dumb manager.

Everybody fired and he said that Lee would never be a manager because, you know, just talking stupid shit. But it's funny that we live in a society now that before somebody jumps, it's like one of the things in this town that showed me the true colors of this town was the Joe Rogan situation. You know, when that happened with Carl, every comic talks about Carlos and then see it. Well, come on, let me see it. Come on, let me see it.

Now here's a guy that does something for you. And nobody really had his back. Nobody backed him. Nobody had his back. That's it. That's it. All the time we're going to, if they throw him out of the comedy store, we're all going to march on Friday nights.

No, when she called all of them and said, if you fucking do anything, I'll ban you. Nobody did nothing. I never got that place. I'll be totally honest with you. I've never, it always seemed fucking culty to me. It never fucking. It's the best club in town.

It's the best club in town by far. And it always has guys working for free. That's not what it's about. That's not what it's about. Every way you work for free. The improv, they give you $7. No, but I mean the employees. You, the guy gave me $7.

What the fuck? They all work for free. Laugh Fact is the only one who gives you a buck and a quarter. If you go to Long Beach and they give you 25 up here, you all work for free. The employees get 25 bucks. It's the talent and who you have to follow in there. When you go to fucking flappers, you follow some kid who I've seen on MTV.

Who, what, what, what? MTV, what? MTV, what? What the fuck are you talking about? Talk. I've been at that fucking store for a year. My game went from six to nine. My game went from six to nine.

It's from the- Back now over the last year, you say? Yeah, I went back August 4th, the last year. And I could feel it because you go to the Laugh Factory, you're following that. You know, at the ha ha, you get a laugh just by going on stage. You go to the fucking comics. So you got to follow Burn, Neil Brennan,

Sebastian Manescop, when they you are. So that makes you work harder. That's the way it's always been with me. It's always been like that. The Laugh Factory has always been Dane Cookie, and Collegy, the improv. You see what's over there. The comics, you go to 1045, you better have your screws on tight.

You better have your screws on. You found Sebastian Manescalco was not fucking around. You know, there's Chicago and then there's Sebastian Manescalco. There's two different leagues. These tonight show guys. That's to Sebastian. We did two fucking worlds apart. So it's, you know, you got to follow fucking Bill Burr.

How to go up there and follow fucking Bill Burr. You don't follow Bill Burr fucking flappers. You don't follow fucking Bill Burr fucking the improv on a, on a Wednesday night for less night and some chick. No, for less night. It's fucking comedy. What fucking burlesque, you know? I mean, that's the comedy store now.

I had to go up there a couple of nights and follow Sarah Silverman. It's like, what the fuck is going on? So when I used to go down to the Laugh Factory long beach to work out, and it's like a waste of my time. I go up to the bomb because there's no motivation. I'm following an English guy on the base. But I've never fucking even seen before, you know? It's two different fucking worlds and it always has been.

It's a piece of shit club. It's dark. It's always running late. But, you know, I don't want to do club but a place that people can't fart and people can't do blow or shit like that. You know? There's clubs you go to that, you know,

when you walk in, you don't fucking belong. I don't belong at the Laugh Factory. I do a fedama right around Tuesday nights. I don't belong at the Laugh Factory on Friday nights. When I go in, I feel like a fucking bump on a lot. The improv I'll do for you or Craig Fitzsimmons or those guys, size that I won't. I don't want to go there during the week.

I want to go somewhere where my heart's beaten before I go on stage. Like an open mic. Oh, holy shit. I got to follow this fucking animal. I got to follow this fucking moron. And then now you start thinking and I get anxiety. And I'm like, okay, now we've got this motherfucker.

That's what I want to follow. Yeah. That's just me. I've never, I like those rooms. I like those Mexican rooms. You go to Flappers. It's like, you know, you're like, why am I here? I go on to Flappers.

I go every night, I look at the schedule of Flappers. I'm like, let me just go down on a Tuesday night and say hello. And you're like, yeah, I really want the TV, you know. It's a, it's a, that's a weird thing. Cause like I'm editing the special now. And for a while we were looking at editors and we couldn't find one.

But it's like for, I didn't, I didn't know if I wanted to do it because it's like, it's, it's a lot of pressure, but it's, I think that's good. I think it's probably pretty good. And you found that by going back to the store to put yourself in like you could fail. And I was never going to go back. I was never going to go back to that place.

But I knew I was bored to pieces. Right. I was bored to pieces. What made you go back? The movie with Peter Sellers. The only place God I'll look at, have you said it a bunch of times? Yeah, I said a bunch of Marilyn Martinez.

She used to tell me about that movie and it was on, it was, it was August 4th. It was a week before. So you've been back a whole year now. A year. You're in change. Over a year in change. And I could feel it.

I could feel it because I could see what you see, what you have to do. Being there and being there. Being there. Oh, yeah. Being there. Yeah. I was watching being there.

I'm like, what is it? It's like a sign from Marilyn go back. I was like, I'm going to go back. And against all my beliefs, I went back. It was the best thing I did. What was it like that first time you went up? Haven't been gone for a minute. Scary.

Yeah. Scary. O.R.? Yeah. Scary. I went back to shoot Marilyn. I walked in and I looked around like, oh, wow, I can't believe I put all this time into this.

And now I don't come here. It's like going to karate for 10 years and one day, quit and you don't quit. You already put that night and you can't restart again. You'll never do it. You'll never do that shit again. And I went down and I just walked around. I said, I can't believe that.

At the time I was going to, ah, I was dicking around with these improvs. I was dicking around with flappers and you're just getting, yeah, you're having good, it's like going home. You're not learning. It's like killing. I'm killing, but I'm going home, going. I just bullied that room.

You're killing, but you're not growing. Yeah. I just bullied that room. That's all I did. I bullied them. There was a bunch of open micers and I went up. They ran into a comedian. That's it.

I didn't kill them because I was better than those kids. I killed them because those kids aren't fully developed yet. And they were up there saying whatever and these are their friends or whatever the fuck they are. And I just went back and that was scary. You know, it's a lot of young kids. I'm an old pervert down there.

I feel like an old pervert when I walk around. But I know when I walk, when I go down there, and it's not making my heart beat. You know, that's what I'm supposed to be against the corner. I don't like being, I like, you know, I, I believe, you know. It's the calm times that scare the fuck out of me, man. If things are good, it means I'm not fighting hard enough. And I can be grateful for what I have and I can enjoy

any success. But I want to, I got, I got to fight. I got to get in and I got to hustle. That's just how I got to do it. I do better when I'm in the corner. You know, I do a lot better comic, comedically. I do a lot better in every situation when my back's against the corner.

Yeah. I've been going to just enough for two years. I'm terrible at it. And I was talking to John Budd today. You know, I could come here and just get on top of you. That's not what I want to do. I don't want to fight on my back. That's the toughest thing to fight on your back

to get out of that situation. You're on the street. Somebody gets on top of you. You're out. Anybody can just get on top of you. I could stay on top of you for an hour and wait till you stop fucking breathing. What if somebody's on top of me?

That's the, but that's the way I've always been. I always look for the harder road so it gets easier. You know, when you do those Mexican rooms with Jeff Garcia and Jeff Valdez, all those fucking lunatics, Jeff Perez, Joe Perez, and Felipe and those guys, that's a different world. You know, when I first came to town, my spots at the store were 12, 15, 12, 30.

Were we going to sit at home? No. You go down there and pick up a quick sister. I got to pick up a grandma block, so I would go do Jeff Garcia's room and Fly's room. And those rooms are harder than shit, those Mexican rooms. You know, they're fucking hard.

But that's where you learn your craft. You're not going to learn your craft, you know, going to the flappers every night or the ha-ha and following mediocrity. Not that I wasn't a mediocrity at one time, but you have to lift your league. You got to go to a- You got to train with champions.

Yeah, okay. If I bring you over here and I show you what's the big 45-pound plates, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. 45-pound plates is a bar that's 135. And I show it to you and I go, you're going to deadlift that. You go, Joey, it's never going to happen.

I tell you what, we're going to deadlift for three weeks, 50 pounds, and then we're going to come in here and I'm going to tell you, get behind that bar and try to deadlift it. And you're going to get three quarters of it and put it down. You could do it.

It's possible. So the only way you're going to know is by deadlifting that bar. Forget about those 225s. They're always going to be fucking there. Our goal is to deadlift that one. Today we're only going to do a half, but next week we're going to do one.

And pretty soon we're going to give those up and you're just going to do your workout with these. Even if you've got to come and do 10-1s and put it back down, next week you'll do 10-2. That's how you get better at things is getting out of your comfort zone. You know, a lot of people like going into a place

and killing and leaving there and going, look at me, I fucking hate that shit. I want to walk out of that bombing. So I go home and I got something to work on. Yeah. I fucked up last night. I like feeling weird. I don't like feeling like it does you no good.

Because you lower, you get lazy. You get lazy. I don't know if it's in the East Coast thing. Maybe it's a guy thing. I always respond better to that sort of, if someone's teaching me something or a coach, I like Yogi, Steve or any. I don't respond well to positive reinforcement.

I like it. It feels nice, but if I can finally get, that's why we work too. You'll yell at me every once in a while or we'll have conversation like that. It's not like I'm going to get home and be like, oh, Joey, it was so nice to me at work today. Anything like that.

Sometimes you are. But I don't know. Maybe it's just me. But if someone, what about you guys? When someone yells at you or when someone says you're fucking up, doesn't say you are. I agree if it's earnest. If it's a guy fucking with you, I want to slap him.

But if it's a real guy, if it's a real fucking man that's coming from a real place and doesn't co-sign bullshit, like you're talking about Lee, that's like, hey, you're fucking up. If you want to do this, if you want to be a successful comic, this is what you do.

Especially if that person's coming from a place that's real genuine and they have the experience. So they're not spitting theory, but they go, this is what I did. And they don't even have to be being mean to you, but as a coach, just being a little bit tougher. Yeah, I don't know, I've always responded better to that. As for me.

I'm trying to write a book and I was thinking about jobs that I had that I really took something out of. And if I have to tell you the number one job I took something out of when I was eight in the summers, from eight to 10, seven to 10, I would have to work with my stepdad in the city. And he had a flower business.

He bought into a flower business, my stepdad. So Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, I had to go into the city by roses at four and then take them back and de-stem them. De-stem the roses and do this other thing with flowers and whatever. Sometimes I go with my stepdad, but sometimes I go with this guy named Yvonne, Ivan.

And Yvonne wasn't a tyrant. He wasn't a tyrant. You know how there's bosses there's tyrant? Yeah. This guy just had a fucking schedule. And you know what, Lee? I'll tell you what life is about. From eight to five, we work here.

From five to eight in the morning, I don't give a fuck what you do with your life. Like today's world, he would break your fucking phone. I know the type of guy he was. He was a great, I learned more for Ivan, of being a man at a job than, you know what I'm saying? And these guys, like he taught me how to be a good worker, period. Like how to be a good worker.

Like this is how we do it. Forget that. I don't give a fuck about that. It's eight to five. You belong to me. We're working now. It's not that I have attitude. It's not that I don't like you.

We're working. This is called working. Here we go. It's over. Whatever the fuck you were thinking about, Scooby Doo or Saturday Night Live or Black Mask, whatever movie, it's over. We don't give a fuck.

That's got nothing to do with our world. And that's what people don't realize. Imagine telling millennials like that that are like, sir, you just hurt my feelings. Yes. No, no, no, no, no. This guy, you know, I remember one of the, I worked with this guy, Richie Worderman,

that the first thing he did when you went to fill an application, you took it to a room and he gave you a broom. He goes, all right, sweep the room. I'll come back on now. And he'd look at the room and he, you know, if you move stuff around, if you didn't move that box or sweep around, you weren't getting a fucking job. Yeah, because you're shortcutting.

You're shortcutting, you know, these are people that I learned the value of work from. The value that from 8 to 5, like today, we all rob our employees because half of us on computers listen to a podcast or playing around. You're robbing your employee, you know, part of it. Look at my phone. You see this?

This is a lot of people listen to my, I traded in my smartphone for this right here, old school flip phone because I put, what's the number one distraction in my life right now? I just made a list. First thing on the list, brought it right to the Verizon store. Is it the iPhone or is it social media? All of it.

But my ex, well, no, because my, I check social media three times a day before I go to work during my lunch break and then when I get home. So I'm tuned into the people and I got off Facebook and Instagram. So I'm just on Twitter right now and I have my own website. But this, three hours in my day back, first day one. Doing what?

What were you doing? Just checking, you know, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, texting. Once I leave the house, I got rid of the texting. If you don't... Three hours, bang, right back. Best thing I did. For me to check a text now, like that's it. That you did evolve because for a while,

you and I wouldn't text. We just had to call. No, no, no, no, no. Let me tell you what, I won't text no more. I turned it off tonight after you. Oh, really? It's over again. I don't want to text with nobody.

I don't want to go off texting. Text, it's gone. It's, you know why? It is, it is great. Gone. You call people you talk to. Gone, gone. I don't want to text with nobody.

I don't, I don't even like people texting. It bothers the fuck out of me when I see. Listen, this is it. You want to suck my dick? Yes. Are you hungry? I could live with that. Joey, I know you're doing a podcast.

This fucking Momo sits here for two hours, going back and forth. And when it's like, listen, I'll be over, spread the position. That's it. That's all you got to say. I'll see him the other night. My brother in the car had to pull him over and go,

listen, call him and talk to him. He's like, why? Call him and get it over. I can't drive like this though. Yeah. You're a child. You lose the person. You're 52.

You're a child. You're 50. You're acting like a fucking child. When I, the other day some kid hit me, Delaney, some kid from North Bergen. Oh, I hit you on, listen. Once the thing goes in my pocket, Twitter's done.

Yeah. I don't, I don't, I don't wait. I have glasses. So if I don't have glasses, I'm not going to look at Twitter. Unless you call me. That's it. I don't have Facebook on here on my phone either. Nothing.

I don't, Instagram, I'm not taking pictures. I don't want to take a fucking picture. I take enough pictures on the weekends. I don't need to show you what I'm eating. I don't need to show you me lifting weights. I don't need to show you none of that shit. But you're like less than 1% of people who have smartphones. Yeah.

Because like, I have this man. You know how many apps I have on here? Three. One. MyFitnessPal.com. I don't need, what do I need? What do I need? Tell me what I need.

You don't need any of this now, but it's so convenient. No, but let me tell you once, once Lee, I'm right where my feet are. I don't need to go anywhere other than being in this room right now. Right. I'm experiencing this instead of half experiencing this. And then on my phone and some other shit and I'm texting and I'm on. No, right here, right now. All my relationships stronger.

I look everyone in the eye. Talk, talk here. Listen, listen. Wherever I'm at, wherever my feet are, that's where I'm at. And that's where I'm experiencing. I need to check the fuck out. I can't wait till ISIS starts bombing us. And I can't wait till they show restaurants before they got bombed.

The other day about a month ago, I went to lunch with something. Somebody wanted to pitch me some idea and I go, let's go to lunch. And he goes, meet me at whatever. So I went over to a nice restaurant in Burbank there for lunch. You know, when somebody's talking to you, you don't know what the fuck they're talking about. They're talking script talk, the production. And I started drifting. I swear to my mother's grave.

I don't need to lie to anybody. Let's pretend. I'm just throwing out a number out there, but I counted. Let's pretend there was 28 people at the restaurant. Let's pretend there was 14 tables out of 30 with two people on them. Do you know that 25 of them were on their fucking phones? I mean, sitting across from each other. Yeah, like this, staring.

And at one point I go, stop what you're saying. Look at her being this restaurant. It's ridiculous. It's embarrassing. It embarrasses me. If everyone was just snapping lines, full on addicts, because that's what it is. It's a dindiction. You can't be across from somebody and consistently ignore them unless you're a fucking addict.

I can't see that. I cannot. And look at the tax thing, the fucking pictures all day, the fucking selfie sticks. Are we? No, are we? It drives me fucking up a wall. Are we on top of shit or do we? Have we turned into old crotchety fucks?

No, I think people, I just see life for what it is. I'm a street guy. I'm paying attention. That's what I'm saying. I'm paying attention. I don't know about you. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. I don't know what the fuck you're doing.

I don't know what the fuck you're doing. Before I leave the house, Mick, Joe Diaz, how are you? What are you doing today? Nothing. Yeah. Come to Culver City. I want you to fucking audition for this. Okay.

What's the address? 666 Hell Street. Okay. I go on the fucking computer and I type it out. I tell my wife, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I tell her, type out this fucking address for me. She does it for me. I love her to death.

I have the piece of paper in my hand. Before I leave, I know the three first roads. You know, 101, South, 10 East, exit, whatever. That's it. You need to know that in your head. But you're in the car and now you're in your fucking car and you're going to type the address in in your fucking car and look at your stupid phone when you're on the 405.

I hope, I hope a truck slips and runs over you. You miserable dumb fuck. As you're dying and going to hell where you belong, you're going to go, I shouldn't have looked at that fucking phone. Who gives a fuck what Joey Diaz has to say at two in the fucking afternoon? Who gives a fuck what anybody's got to say at two in the fucking afternoon? And it's getting worse. They're adding it to cars now.

Like they have Facebook apps in cars. And I think if you sat people down, because I just got this new phone, I just got the new 6S Plus. I love it. It's great. But I think if you sat people down and were like, do you need any of this? No, you don't need it.

It's just it's coming. It's it's the biggest fucking distraction and it's it's great to have, but we don't need it. You don't need it. It's just no one's but now people don't want to give it up. Like why would why would you? Day two for 30 minutes. When I first got up, there was a panic like I was missing out on something.

For 30 minutes of and I know what withdrawals like because I fucking went through withdrawals when I quit drinking and doing drugs. Same fucking thing. 30 minutes like a kick. We forgot what life is. We're not paying attention to life no more. Yep. We're not paying attention to life no more.

We do everything. This fucking thing says why I'm hungry. Let me see what they say about that restaurant. Who gives a fuck what anybody's got to say. You don't even know these fucking people. Half of the fucking people you think have the fucking people that you bump into. Hold on one second. You checking to have the people ate this last week.

Muscles with fucking red sauce on it. These are the only pictures you take. Okay. Where'd you get that shrimp? Did I tweet that out? No. I showed it to you just so you know what you're missing. I won't get down with the muscle.

That's what that shrimp looks good. You didn't even tell me the shrimp. Look at the fucking calamar. Look at that. That's the best calamar. It's that of patsies. People always say you have patsies. Is that fucking rice pudding?

That's not tea yet. That's Cuban natilla. That's like a fucking egg custard over an intimate pound cake. Are you fucking kidding me or what? But so like what do you guys say especially for comedians? You Joey wouldn't be as popular as you are now if smartphones didn't exist? I don't like yeah. I don't think so.

No. The internet. But I don't think so. I think smartphones took it to the next level. I'm an internet. I don't know. Maybe there's a smartphone that's helped me. But I do a thing that's downloaded on iTunes.

I do videos for YouTube. I don't do it for the smartphone. I do it for the internet that I'm hoping that you see it at night when you're fucking smoking pot or something like that. But that's that's most people don't consume the internet the way you do. There's a lot of people who probably don't have that's why that new iPad's coming out because people don't even want computers anymore. All people wanted the phone.

That's why this phone is as big as a fucking drink tray. Is because I gave the iPhone 6 plus was what was it plus yeah 6 plus. That's what I just gave up. And it's great. But I'm like it's nothing. I'm not I'm not putting the iPhone down. I'm not putting your phone down.

Anybody can do their own fucking jam. I'm just saying what works for me. I got an old school. What your point is that planner that I write my appointments in and I experience the fucking where my feet are. That's where my mind is at. No. I applaud what you did.

And then the other people get down. Do your thing. Do your fucking jam. Nothing wrong with having an iPhone. My point is you got to live your life. Put that phone in your fucking pocket. Yeah. And go for a walk and look.

Keep your eyes open. Talk to who you're going to get hit by a fucking car because you're looking at your stupid fucking phone. You're going to get hit by you're going to get jumped because you have earphones on. Listen to the joke. There's a good chance you were checking your phone Lee. And that's how you wound up with that shirt on.

Just stop. Maybe. I actually thought about that. That's it. That's it. I get complaints every week from people. I got two emails. Why don't I fucking Instagram?

Why don't I put more videos on because the only way I could come up with stories is to live a life. Yeah. The only way I could come in and experience my life. It's living your life. Otherwise you're regretting someone else's bullshit. I can't fucking deal with it no more. I do not understand.

And I love I love getting on the computer. Nobody loves going more to WebMD than I do or Julia serving videos. I love all that shit. Yeah. But I do it the privacy of my own home when I'm home. My point is that when you're out, you cannot cross the street while you're reading your stupid text. I get fucked up. You know what, man?

Again, if I'm going to be on there for an hour writing a short essay to you, I'm just going to pick up the fucking phone. It's a question. I understand. Sometimes you can't call someone. Hey man, are you going to be home for dinner? Yeah. That's it.

But if you think I'm going to sit here and give you directions on that fucking thing and should I stop and get meatball heroes or should I stop and get coca? Fuck you. Pick up the fucking phone. That's all I'm saying. I don't have time for all that. I don't see. It's not that we're old people is that we appreciate.

We don't have that much time left. So the time we have, we're not going to waste half the day taking pictures for Instagram. Yeah. Or a fucking selfie stick or whatever the fuck, you know. I go home. I check my Facebook. I'm not going to lie to you. I go home at one o'clock.

I chase my Facebook. There's messages on there. Somebody wants to know somewhere we're performing. I go on my Twitter when I fucking go home. Who doesn't? Yeah, yeah. I go on my Gmail. That's what I'm saying.

I hit it three times a day. Home, home, home. Big fucking difference. Home. I get an email on my business email. I pop it right away. The Gmail, no. I don't give a fuck.

I get to wait until I get to when I get home. But my business email, somebody calls me with a date or something. I look at the count. Yeah. Yeah. I don't have my calendar on my phone. I got my calendar in my head. All that shit right down.

Yeah, if I'm if I'm driving and I think of something that's, you know, witty, which I never do. You know, I don't have a mind like that. I'm not a writer. I go to this thing here. Productivity and revenge is never about the great or good. It's about a visceral need that needs to be satisfied or the strong loose focus.

Come at them from a different angle, not about the process, but the result. Step away from the need to feel it. That's what's in my fucking notes. That and pain to get to the next level. Little reminders in my life that there you go. That's what's in my notes. I don't know what the fuck people are talking about.

You got to do this and I don't know. It's hard because it's hard. It's like when I when I was heavier, I used to think, oh, maybe I have a food addiction. And yeah, maybe maybe this is kind of an addiction. But it just sounds so like it sounds like it sounds. You don't want to call it an addiction. But then they just did a study.

Lee, the woman that I work with. Told me, showed me when you think you lose your smartphone. The same chemicals and neurological reaction in your brain is equal to a near death experience. That's what you experience when you think you've lost your phone. How fucked up is that for me? It's the numbers. That's all it is because it's not like the old days.

Why no mixed numbers? Eight, money, five, five, five, five, five, five, five. In the back of my head. That's the only panic I have. If I'm on the road and I lose a number, I have my wife's number in my head now. I have the house number. Yeah.

And I printed out all my contacts. I got them and I wrote the important ones in a little black book like I used to carry around. It's I'm going old school. It's fucking great. It's great. Did you buy that new or is that used? This for they don't make it yet.

That's an old one. And it's destiny brought it back to life. This is a they still make a couple of months. This cost a penny at Verizon and an extra $10 to add to my plan. Because I would be interested to see how long it lasts. Because they make these now. Like the whole reason they're talking about an Apple making like a TV, the reason I don't want to get that is because

Apple makes shit that breaks in two years. I talk on this for about three or four days, and then I have to charge it. That's how long the charge lasts on this. And I'm sure I could kick this down the street and nothing would happen. No. But then it's like you don't know.

Because if you're using it like let's say like you guys do in the morning and at lunch and at night, what's when you have it in your pocket, of course, you're going to check it throughout the day. Well, the transition that I made was I bought this and I forwarded my smartphone calls to this. And that was like a weaning off of it a little bit. And then I said, you know what,

I'm going to give my iPhone six to my son. And then this is going to be my permanent phone. Because I got a little taste of what life was like forwarding the calls to this and just having this with me. And I was like, wow, I'm checked out of like 25% of my fucking day. And they're trying to do like the whole that Apple pay kind of freaks me out.

You know on your phone right now that microphone's on. You know that, right? Oh, yeah. It's in it's anonymously recording everything that's happening right now to better provide you with services. Now, I'm not a conspiracy fucking nut, but literally your whole your privacy is being egregiously violated.

And not even like there's those violations, but then the things like I don't understand about checking in on Facebook. It's tracking you and recording you right now. Yeah, you know, have you ever had that happen? So like when I used to work in TV, I would go to this one office every like for a few months every day and I'd be home on the weekends.

It would pop up on my phone. It would take 35 minutes to get to work right now. And they like it just knows every day at 8 30, I go to work. Yep. And you have to turn that off in the back. Yep. Like if you like your phone might know you come here. Joe, I would I would I would bet you can go and see the trips you take.

Sometimes you can go and you can go and see on your phone where you took the pictures you took. Oh, yeah, the geotag. Yeah, it's a and it's great and it helps and it's it's done probably more good than harm, but it's definitely that's why I love podcasting. Like that's why I think other people love podcasting. No one else has conversations like these anymore. Even if you're with people who you like,

eventually you're going to check your phone a couple times. You get a text that like I don't check my phone at all for these couple hours. Is this streaming right now? It is. What's the what's the site that it's streaming on? Ustream. Ustream? Yeah, I have the tell my son to go on Ustream.

I would say church or what's happening now. Right. I'm more scared. I have a phone for my daughter. I have a phone for emergencies at the house. And I go to jiu-jitsu and shit like that. Right. Like today I leave my phone on because the baby said it has mercy for an hour.

But if Terry's got mercy, I shut my phone off. I leave it in the fucking car. If I go to a gym or something, if she's at school and my wife is at the house and she's got the phone, I'll go to the YMC and turn my phone off. That's how anti-phone I am. You know, that's how anti-phone I am. I mean, the days of auditions coming in late. That doesn't happen anymore.

So part of my day now, I know where I stand. This time I go away and I leave the phone in the fucking car. Unless it's really hot, then I won't leave it in there. I didn't even know that happened. Yeah. I left it in jiu-jitsu and it overheated. It wouldn't turn on. Yeah, it wouldn't turn on.

You got to go back, put it in air condition or so. Unless it's, no, these are the things I do. Just the time is fucking so, if you look at how much time you waste in the day. If you look at how much time you waste in the day, seriously. It's crazy. As a comedian, you will fucking shoot yourself. You will shoot yourself. You will fucking shoot yourself.

Well, you got to, you got to. You can't be undisciplined. You got to. No, and that's the discipline. That's why I would, Lee, what I tell you, that's the discipline. It doesn't matter what you want to do, what you don't want to do. If you go by your feelings, that is the greatest, most self-destructive thing. Doing drugs, not doing drugs, working out an hour.

If you run your life based on your feelings, you are fucked. It is a, you are turning over the sands of time and waiting for your fucking life to fall apart. Because your feelings aren't a real, it's not a real fucking thing. Action, that's real. Go to the gym, you want to fucking go to the gym and you're excited to run on the treadmill, or you hate the treadmill more than anybody, you're going to burn the same calories. But if you're going based on your feelings, you're going to not want to go a lot more than you're going to want to go.

So you're going to fucking miss out on the work that you're supposed to do, which means you're going to miss out on the fucking results. You go whether you want to go, like you're talking about. You're, you set out from this time to this time, I'm going to write, and you're going to hate every fucking second of it. For the first 30 minutes, you're going to want to kill yourself until minute 40 rolls around, and you get a little chunk of something you like, and then you bring that to the stage and you go, oh, that's why I trudged through that fucking bag of shit earlier today, was for this moment now,

you got to put in the fucking work. Fuck your feelings. You just got to handle your business, whether you want to or not. End of story. End of story. I don't care how you feel. We all feel shitty on a Monday morning. There's a fucking about what you feel or your girlfriend feels or your daughter, your wife.

Get to work. You got to do what the fuck you got to do. I don't give a fuck how people feel. I never did. You know, these people that try to make comics feel guilty. Can't you come to my party on Saturday night? No, I'm doing calm. I don't know what the fuck I'm working.

I'm working. I don't know my wedding. And that's the discipline. You know, you look at the things that people who have the things you want to do. How do they live? Are they at a bar on a VIP section talking to shit with losers and a fucking bar on a Friday and Saturday? No, they're on stage. They're watching a comic.

They're watching a play. They're learning something. Business happens between nine and six. That's it. That's it. When you have to perform and that you show your job is to perform. I like these people that say, well, I'm going to go out to network. Listen, people in network, if they ain't doing shit, they ain't networking.

It's like that Lincoln. Then I'd like to fucking blow that network up every network of professionals. It's the same douchebags on Facebook. You know where everybody's at? You want a network? You know where the people are at that you want to meet at 10 p.m. at night? At my house. They're fucking resting from a hard day's work.

If they were here, they wouldn't be at home. What my friend told me once that there were anybody that wouldn't be here. Anyway, you know, we as comedians think we're going to go to the comedy store, the improbable laugh factor, flappers and see the president universal. He's at home counting $20 bills. You did Radford a couple months. Great show. So I just bumped into a guy two days ago.

Oh, yeah. But before I left, I bumped into a guy at Rouse. Come here for a second. Well, you were read for that night. Is that you? Yeah. Oh, that's great. But I had a guy I won't say his fucking name.

I said, listen, can you do the show? It's a Radford's great show. Saturday night. Great fucking audience. You're going to have a blast. It'll be sold out. He goes, now I want to, I got a spot. I might, he goes, I might have a spot at the store.

I go, well, I'm giving you a legit spot. It's sold out show. It's going to be amazing and longer sets too. It'll probably be three times as long as the set that you get at the store. He goes, yeah, but there might be industry there. That's what this guy tells me. I didn't have the fucking heart to tell him what I do for a living. You know what I mean?

I'm like, oh, there might be industry there, huh? Someone give you a break. I'm like, all right, I fucking, I just want to be like, just be a kind, good soul. Just fucking come do. It's a great, you're searching for something that isn't comedy. You're searching for this validation. How about a sold out show with people that'll fucking line up down the block when it's done?

How about a show? Yeah. How about a show? I'm giving you a long set. I'm giving you, but, you know, as a, as a comedian myself, if someone calls and goes, hey, it's a great show, I'm in. I'm in. Is the audience there?

Stage spotlight. They want to see comedy. You could tell me to go to any show I go just because we're boys. And we're here to serve the needs of the audience. It's not to stroke my ego. The audience isn't my way to fucking come up. It's my job to entertain the woman that's a single mama too, that got a babysitter for her kids, had to pay for valet and has to buy two drinks.

It's my job to make her laugh, not make her a fucking gateway for my career. I'm there to be a service to her and give her a fucking break from her manic life. Make her spirit glow a little bit, make her laugh, make her think, make her have a good time, go home fulfilled. That's it. Not look at her at a wave that I can come up. I fucking hate that attitude, man. I fucking hate it.

I just asked my son to tune in too. Now he's probably just watching me go on that swear filled rant. I did. He goes, look, Liam's watching you right now. Hey, Liam, how are you? And I just go on a lunatic rant. That was Lee.

Lee fed me drugs and made me swear. I'm passing the buck. The work ethic. People understand that a set is a set as a set. Yeah. A set is a set. It's work. Whether it's a set at the Irish pub.

Yeah. Set at the county. So, you know, people get elaborated with coming here and going here. I got just nothing's going to happen there. It's like what I said to you. I found the happy medium going to Mexican rooms, you know, before Laker games.

They're into Lakers. And then you got to walk in there and do comedy. You know, when people go, yeah. And they turn the game off and they go, who's ready for comedy? Yeah, who's ready for comedy. And you have no idea. And they're looking at you like,

can't I just kill this guy? People don't know that. When you go to a comedy club, you're prepared to laugh. When you go to the Latin lounge tonight, on the Hacienda Heights tonight, Monday nights, they have a room 10 o'clock in Hacienda Heights. They shut the Laker game on when you get there. You know how pissed those fucking people are?

They're in there eating those fried fucking snacks and you walk in and you have no idea what the difference is to making somebody laugh that's prepared to laugh. Yeah. And making somebody laugh who's in there, have a drink and get his dicks up. And also when you walk up on stage and they're like, what the fuck is this?

It's comedy night here at El Rancho tonight. El Rancho, whatever, El Rancho Cucaracho. It's comedy night hosted by and you're like, and they're like sitting there going, but what about the fucking Dodger game? And you're like, fuck the Dodger game. That's where comedy lives. And you got to get them and you win them over

and that's a victory. Oh my God. That's the best. I started comedy at the Broker Joker. And it was steak night. 14.95 for steak, baked potato salad, and one cocktail. You have no fucking idea. You just get happy if they look up at you.

Oh yeah. Like that's your goal. There's fucking steak for $14 in a comedy ticket. And then on Sundays, they used to have movie night. So this day, I don't know how they got away with that Dr. Broker. Like they would have Charles Branson night. So they would have the mechanic and hard times

and then I would go up in between movies and do 15 minutes. That set is born to lose. Like a fucking magician can't make that set work. It's like following a band. Forget it. You're done. These were the things I did. These were, I look back at going into,

in bold, or going into poetry readings. And he said you could get. I'll never forget the guy going like, what is the name of your poem? My poem is called light me at five. Oh my God. And then after they got hip, I was so bad as an open miker.

When I go up to do poetry, I wouldn't even do poetry. I go up to the crack jokes. And I was so bad that one day they came to me and I listened, you can't come back anymore. He got born from the poetry. Your poetry is so bad. It's so bad.

It's, you know, you didn't even get high tonight. You're acting fucking high. What are you talking about? You're like floating around. I'm just laughing at the idea of you going like, why don't you do that now? Just go up before a movie starts. So let's do five minutes.

Because people, like the Arclight guy. Because people throw me the fuck out. I'm surprised the Arclight guy hasn't tried to do standard. If the Arclight guy was a stand-up comic, he would be able to make it just speely. He goes up there and gives you the most boring piece of shit speal about, hi, welcome to the Arclight. If you have any questions,

go up there and fucking live it up. I used to do the opening for, what's the ski guy? Warren Miller? Yeah, Warren Miller does the ski thing. So every year, Warren Miller makes one new film, and they do from here all the way up to San Francisco. They go into different theaters on a Friday night to kick off ski season.

So what they do is all these- Oh, you're from Colorado. That's why you know all these shit. All these fucking, no, this is a great one. All these ski resorts up here, like three weeks before the ski season starts, these things happen. And what you do is it's Warren Miller's

upcoming ski festival, and you watch a film with a bunch of fucking Momo skiing and falling down. And then in between everything, they raffle off skis and bindings and poles and hats and hand warmers. And I did that. I did that when you're here.

Your buddy gave me the job. I can't remember Rich, no, Rip Perret. I think a big fat guy. He used to book that club up in a universal before it was- Oh, fuck. I know what you're talking about. Big, big guy.

He was a writer. Oh, my God. He's friends with Josh Wolf. He used to do it. And he gave me the job. So I did the job. We started in San Diego State, and we had it all over the Bakersfield and back.

And it was a three-week job. Mick broke. I mean, I was broke when this kid called me, and he goes, I can't do it. But Josh Wolf can't do it. Can you do it? I'm like, yeah, I'll do it. 200 a show.

Some nights you do two shows. They give you 400. Oh, wow. They pay you before. So it was three weeks of work. So the guy paid me- Are you flush going into the three weeks? The guy pays you two weeks in advance.

Oh, my God. It was like a Christmas, and I was fucking broke as fuck. I'll never, you know, you look at your life and you go, you know what? You don't get what you want, but you get what you need. Yeah. I'm doing tons of blow at the time.

I'm a fucking savage. We start somewhere around. We start in San Diego, go up, you know, all these little towns, all the way up to Lake Bakersfield, and then we shoot back down. I forget what theaters we did, but I remember specifically it wasn't-

The last week was San Diego, we're Dondo Beach, and something else. It was four shows. It was four nights. The last three were two shows a night. You follow me? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The last three were two shows a night,

but we were doing a Sunday in the town before San Diego. So you know me, dog. I'm a criminal. I'm watching this for two weeks, and I'm watching it every night. The money they get from the movie theater, the cash, they put in rubber bands,

and they put in a yellow envelope, but they're college kids. Every night when they come in, they bring that same yellow envelope in, take that money, put it in there. They're not making deposits on the road. So somewhere- I know this.

So somewhere is a yellow envelope full of cash. I'm a coke fiend in a half at the time. If you come in here with a wallet, I'm watching that. I watched everything in those days. In those days, there was no iPhone in my life. I paid attention to everything. The other day, I tapped Leigh on the show and they go,

do me a favor, zip up your purse. She goes, why go? Because your fucking purse is sticking right out. 20 years ago, that thing would have been mine. She giggled. No, no, no, no. She giggled, you dumb bitch. That thing would have been mine.

You're talking to your goofy son. He don't know what's going on either. He's talking about the Jets or whatever the fuck he's talking about. Right there. It was hanging right there. All I had to do was bump with this elbow and take this out. Gone.

And there was money sticking out of it. She was a fucking lemon, a grape in New York of all people. You know, in New York of all places, where the fucking happened. Sunday night I go down and I'm freeing. I already spent all my money and I need a fucking fix. And I'm watching the guys jeep. I see him go out, take the fucking thing, take the money. I see where he puts the ones for like two nights.

I see he puts it behind the driver's side and the thing. And there's a bunch of boxes back there. I'm watching his fucking keys and I'm watching him because I have to wait for the movie to finish and I have to run up there and I'm watching. I'm watching. I see he puts his keys down and something happens. I could only happen to Joey Diaz.

Chick walks in with big tits and he jumps on the chick and starts working there and asks if she wants to have a drink and they're old friends and he puts his keys down. I clip the fucking keys and all you got to do is click, click. And I put the keys back on the counter. And I just waited till he, I went up to the announcements, I came out, I watched him and the girl talking and I went out there and I fucking clicked with my car.

I pulled up with my car next to his, I got out, I opened up the passenger and I just took out an envelope and I threw him the trunk under the fucking spare tire and I pulled the car over and I did the last presentation. I gotta go. I took that fucking car on a Sunday night and I flew, flew. I didn't want him to find that. I wanted to be out of the area in case he thought it was me.

I pulled over one of those exits. It was $2,000 a week before Christmas. I went right to the Martel Cartel and bought a fucking 8-Ball. The next day I had an audition for American Gun with James Coburn. I ain't kidding you, dawg. I booked that movie. I was out till 11 in the fucking morning. I bumped into some girl that wanted me to fucking pull her hair

while we were doing coke. I swear to God, I took her to that Palms on the Sunset across from Rock and Roll Rouse. The restaurant? No, no, I'm not going to tell. That fucking, if they redid it to Dirty Hotel, I took her in there with Snutton Coke and she's like, you have to do me a favor.

Can you pull my hair? It turns me on. We're sitting there. I'm pulling this woman's fucking scalp at eight in the morning and she's like, please pull it harder so I can come then I'll let you eat my butt. It's fucking craziness. And you had to go to set?

I had to go, no, I had to go for the call back Monday 11. I went home at like 9.30, took a nap. The phone rang. It's the casting director, Joey. We're up here waiting for you. I had to run up to CBS Ratford. They did it on the side. I didn't have to go into the studio.

They have those little side things. Across from the studio, behind the sushi restaurant, right there. I robbed the guy for the deuce. Fuck him. He should have paid attention. Dumb little fucking college kids. Fucking with a professional.

You know, leave your keys on the table. Fuck around with some little chicken, big dits and dirty feet. Imagine what you could do now. If people leave their phones everywhere. Like sometimes I'll go somewhere and realize I left my phone at the table at a restaurant or something. Like you could probably make a thousand a night just taking phones. People probably do that now.

How do you make more laptops? Just tell them. These people at Starbucks are writing and then they go to the bathroom. They leave a $2,000 laptop sitting on the table. You can't rob an innocent guy like that. You know, they're in there writing. Some dummy college kid that you got to teach him about money.

That's what you got to teach so many a lesson. They fucked up. You know, can't leave your fucking shit out. My friend told me his partner, suntans in front of the business. And the other day, a customer came. He ran and he left his cell phone at the park bench. Somebody clipped his brand new fucking cell phone.

Did you hear that someone robbed a UPS truck when they were delivering the new iPhones? They just took it down in Inglewood. It was hysterical. They just took a truck. They probably left the keys. I don't know what they did. They maybe left the door open,

but it just took a UPS truck. It happens all the time. I mean, the problem with a UPS truck is you can't do much, especially now. They got you with these fucking drones. They got you with a police helicopter. So unless you know for sure what's in that fucking truck, unless you have the bill of fucking late,

you know, so a dispatch that's telling you truck 68 has got $20,000 worth of UPS shit on it, then you can hijack those motherfuckers. But unless you really know, you don't know what the fuck you're doing. You're just getting a UPS truck. Think about UPSers. They ship diamonds over UPS.

So a lot of people, you know, you're getting them with one of those boxes. You don't know what the fuck is in there. It could be diamonds. It could be Christmas. It could be Christmas. It could be Christmas. Just got to be the right fucking box.

But I'd be pissed off if I robbed the UPS truck and all I had was letters in that motherfucker and fucking hats and subpoenas. You know, people with fucking flat feet, all them shit from Amazon and fucking time or something. Let me get some shout outs. Get the fuck out of here. Austin, Smitty, Smith.

I love you, cocksucker. Fernando and all your fucking friends. Shout out, Waldo. Who loves you? Corey Rucker, Joey Zaza tweets. Matt Balthazar and Steve Zoe. I love you, motherfuckers. Don't forget I'll be in Toledo this weekend.

And then 10-5 through 10-7, we're taping. This is not happening. If you want tickets, go to the link and press an S2. What's up, though? Yeah, so do that. What they said is if you type in that number, you'll get better seats because they know what community you actually want to see.

Right, they know what you want to see. So please, if you're coming to those tapings next week, where are they taping at? Cheetahs, right? Cheetahs again? I think so, yeah. I can double check, but yeah. That's a good-looking show.

Yeah, that's... Like, you never know if you want to go with technology or if it's too much or... Because I don't know what... You talked about that four hours ago. I don't have a problem. Like, again, I do not have a problem with technology. I have a problem that you're not paying attention

to your surroundings. That's the problem I have, that you're not paying attention to your surroundings. So if your face is in a phone and you're texting, you're sitting in a fucking thing... You're missing your life. You're missing your goddamn life. There's no life.

I look at that Twitter sometimes. I'm in a hotel room and I'll just look on Twitter to see if I got a message on a Sunday. I won't post it, they said. But I'll see people having conversations on a fucking Sunday and you're like, guys, you got to knock it off. You got to knock it off.

There's people who stay on there all fucking day all week and you're like, you got to knock it off. If I go on here at two and at six and you're still on here talking to this person, you're missing something, man. Those are the people that you see that, you know, they're just making statements on there. Where's my nail polish?

What the fuck? There's a chick, Susie Cream Cheese. She writes the craziest shit about her pussy. There's the sperm sponge. You know, there's women in there that I don't know where they find... That's sperm sponge all day. From beginning to end, it's my pussy's wet.

My teddy hurts. I got chlamydia, but I still want to suck dick. I mean, it's all fucking day. And you're like, what are you doing? There's a sun out there. Yeah, get inside. There's a beautiful fucking sun out there. This is all the problems I have.

This is it. Does your son go on a daytime? Or is he not? Oh, he plays in the daytime in front of the house. Yeah, you know, he's in the games, but we're on top of that. Are they outside in your coconut sack? We got an RV.

So we just went up. We were at Ventura Ranch, K-O-A. We were in the RV Friday to Sunday. So no phones. I mean, minimal phone use, but you know, the whole points. Get outside, get in the woods. He was running around with a pal of his all weekend. It was great.

You know, I just, I really like to start something for neighborhoods, like something nationwide. Start in a neighborhood and take it nationwide, where Monday to Friday, a different parent has to come out. That belongs to the three block radius and do different activities with these fucking kids and get them out of the fucking house. Whether it's football, whiffle ball,

and then one community, it spreads and it keeps going. And then there's five days a week, and there's gotta be other 20 kids that live on the block, five worthless fucking parents that come out each day, Monday, and just like have a shed on the block with a fucking soccer ball and a football and a bicycle and a stick and darts, and these kids could come out and do something.

There's no kids outside at all, ever, ever. In any community I fucking go to. I just went to my hometown, I hear there's nobody. The more people in Jersey outside, you didn't see anything? They got curfews in a lot of these cities now, man. A lot of these cities have fucking curfews for kids. You're outside after 10, they're gonna pull you over and ask you, why are you out and look at your ID?

And I see it here. I see it fucking here in LA. I see it up in Studio City. Fuck yeah. You know, I see it like by the Tehunga Magnolia. I seen somebody the other day by Yum Yum Donuts. They had some kids pulled over, just they were walking. I don't think the kids looked like they were doing anything.

It was three of them, just walking. They weren't drinking or nothing. I saw a sign on a store that said if you're under 18 and you can't come in during the week, like they check truancy and stuff, a little call to truancy. I didn't even know that existed. That during the week, if you're not in school,

they could actually send a truancy cop. I thought it was something from the movies. No, they have truan cops. I don't know if they still do them. I don't know if that's still do. Do they have children, complicates in school? I don't know. I don't know.

I just saw it right around here. I didn't know that they were instituting all these rules now. Listen, if you're wandering around and it's after 10, you're fucking up to no good. And be smart enough to avoid the heat. How do you avoid the cops though? Someone yells, book it, and then you just take off running, problem solved.

Well, then they see you running and that don't win either. I did just no kids outside and it just does something. And they're watching something. They say, what's your name? And you say, my name's Lee. I don't think they were. I think they're watching Netflix. I don't know what the fuck they're watching.

Video games for sure. Video games. I don't have no video games on my phone. Nothing, nothing. I have no, this isn't a form of entertainment for me. Well, you're the exception, not the rule. That's for sure. What's a video fucking game?

Like, it's really, they have those things going. Well, no, it's not on the phones. It's Xbox. Well, they have games on your phone too, yeah. PS4. And it's amazing how quickly we become accustomed to it. Like, it's the normal now. Like, the way you were saying you used to get around now

with like, MapQuest and directions. I remember printing out MapQuest. And now, like, I would never do like, what am I going to do? Print it out before I leave? Well, what if I don't know if I'm going there? It's, uh... You can use Waze or...

I just can't understand it. If you know you're going somewhere, you're going to put that shit in the car. 90% of that lady telling you directions, she's putting you on the same route with every other mutt in that life. Right. That's the same directions as every other fucking mutt.

Well... You know, and also when you do that, you're making the wrong laughter. You're making... I want to know where the fuck I'm going before I get in the fucking car. Well, to be fair, your directions are through like, alleys.

That's one of the best times I've ever had is like, driving you to the doctor. And you're like, all right, go through this alley. It's like... The street's nobody takes. Yeah. I don't like taking fucking... Why go on the same street?

Well, everybody... Listen, man, the funniest thing in LA, to me, is going over Laurel Canyon in the morning. I think that is the... To me, that is the whole thing. When people sit in that left lane for hours, and the right lane is moving, and you go all the way to the top,

you wait till the light turns green, and you fit right in, and there's people that know that and sit on that line all day waiting. So you're the guy that goes right lane, goes and then cuts in at the... Right at the top.

I don't have no time to wait. I'm 52. I might die tomorrow. I'm going to sit in the line and listen to music. I go... And even if I don't... If I have the red light, I just make the first right

and make the U-turn and get nothing, and I just cut everybody off. I just saved a half hour that everybody goes into work saying, I got... Anybody else going for Laurel Canyon today? Because you stood on a line. That line tells me something about you.

That line should tell you something about yourself. In any situation. That line to me... You know, when you fly, there's a line. I get it. There's a fucking line. Whether you fly pre-TSA, TSA, first class or whatever,

there's a line, and you need to take that line. I have an option on Laurel Canyon. We all have options in life. I'm going to go buy the same fucking hat that every other jerk-off has, or the same tattoo, to be like that jerk-off,

or I'm going to do something different. It really makes you think about that line. Yeah. You know, it's like when we go to Austin, we have to get on a bus to get on a line for barbecue. I'd rather not eat it if I got to stand on a line. It's a new trend. Standing on a line is cool.

Like, people leave Russia not to stand on a line, and these assholes stand on a fucking line. I never understood that. Yeah. You know, I'm hungry. There's no other way around me getting on that fucking in and out line. That went outside in front of the fucking office.

You would never do it? No, no, no. I didn't say that. You got to go inside. I got to go inside. But I'm hungry. But if I can't get that burger, and I'm really hungry, I go to Burger King and eat a burger,

I'm not going to wait on the line an hour for no fucking food. If you got to choose between Burger King and Wendy's, where you go? Home. I'd rather jerk off and die than eat either of them. But my point is that we have this thing in this country now where waiting an hour on a line is chic. Oh, my God, the food is so good.

It's like the people at the griddle. When I drive past the griddle, I really feel bad for you as a human being. I got to get there early, no line, or I'm not eating. Well, listen, there's a griddle, and then there's across the street, there's a bagel place that has tremendous bagel spots. Yeah.

Across the street, next to fucking. We go sit in the back of the office. Yeah, great bagels. Great bagels. Yeah. So if I go to the griddle and there's an hour wait, no, I go to the bagel. It's a fucking egg.

It's a fucking egg. A fried fucking egg. Potatoes? They're potatoes. I can only do potatoes three fucking ways, boiled. Then, well, they cage in, they have seasonings. What fucking seasonings? It's a fucking potato.

You dumb fuck. Bacon, sliced thin, cooked good. I can get anywhere. So what's the fucking line for? That's because if you wait on a line, there's so much else you do. You're a procrastinator. There's so much else you do.

Look at your phone. You're on line staring at your phone. You're looking at your fucking phone, like a fucking moron when life is going by. Meanwhile, there's a bagel place, that's all. Me, I go to the bagel place. If the bagel place has a line, I go to Whole Foods next to it. I know they're going to have something for me to fucking eat,

but I do that in 15 minutes instead of a fucking hour. That line means a lot to me when I go up Laurel King. Every time I go up Laurel King, I go, look at these people. They know this is an hour wait and they still do it. And here I cut them off and they don't even beat that man called me an asshole. I got shit to do. Well, there's a difference.

So it's the same thing when you're going from the one-on-one to the four or five or any, there's, they have these roads everywhere all around the world. The people who go there and then make other people miss life behind them because they don't want to take the right and then do the U-turn, it's like at the airport. If someone just cuts them through the line, you're going to get mad at them. Like if they cut through and you've been waiting there an hour

and then they just cut through, then you're going to be pissed. If they go- But they can do it too. Not a line at the airport. I'm talking about a line when you're free to take whatever lane you want to. Right. But then there's people who will, who will get in the right hand lane and hit a red and then because they want to go straight,

they won't take that right. And then people who want to take the right are stuck behind- Oh no, I see what you're saying. Those are scumbags. I bang the right and make the U-turn. I'm not going to sit behind nobody because I don't like when nobody does it to me. And then people here who just stop when they have a car accident that blows, it blows my mind every single time I see it.

They just stop when they have an accident on the freeway. So look, to see their own right. Not even the people who are looking, the people who have the accident. If everywhere else I have ever been, if you have an accident and the car still works, you pull over to the side. Oh, I see what you're saying. These dummies- If people have a fender bender here, they just stop.

They just, it was like those cops who just stopped in the middle of Magnolia that one morning and just stopped and there was that accident. Yeah, that was an accident. Remember on the way to breakfast and you started yelling at them from my car? Well, yeah, it's eight in the morning on a Monday morning and they're in the one lane. These are cops. These are public servants to the cops that are in the fucking main lane. You know, pull over to the fucking side.

That's all we ask of you. Yeah, this is all common sense type shit. I just never understood those people that waited on that line. And I wait on lines at the airport. They had to wait online for 20 minutes at Kennedy Airport. You always have to wait online. You know, there's no way I could go up to TSA and go, listen, I'm hitting this other line over here, cocksucker.

They're not going to allow it. But on Laurel Kane, that line always makes me think. Like, if you're waiting for that and you know you could take it, you're going to work. You're going to work. Why are you sitting there like a fucking waiting for a bomb to drop? Let me read the sponsor to get the fuck out of here. As usual, my main motherfucker's alpha brain on it, putting it together. Alpha brain, 100% guarantee, even if you don't use the motherfucking product.

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You want to fly. What the fuck do you want to do with it? I think you could burn wax in it. You could burn some oil. Oil. It's what you need. I want to thank Audit. I want to thank Hiddie Sigs.

And I want to thank NailedItLife for supporting us. And all you filthy motherfuckers. I want to thank Bettencourt, Mick Bettencourt here. Don't worry about nothing. Mick Bettencourt for coming on. What days does your podcast come out? The Mick Bettencourt Show drops every Monday. You can get it on iTunes or you can go to MickBettencourt.com.

And October 27th on ABC, a show that I am working on right now called Wicked City Premiers. And I think people are going to get into it. I'm really proud of it. And I hope you guys check it out and like it. Good for you, man. The other day I was watching Law & Order SBUs. I watched a marathon.

You were like in three of them and shit. You had written the co-produced. You're a fucking savage. What's up in your world there, fucko? Just working. I don't know. Man, I'm high. I don't know.

I got this on Wednesday. We're smoking another joint on the way out. Okay. Let's do it. And we have kettlebell class tomorrow. Fuck yeah, Yogi Steve. Fucking Yogi Steve at VMAC. If you're not doing nothing, stop by 11 to 12.

You're in Toledo. We do some swings. We do some fucking one-arm cleans. We do the battle rope. We do everything for an hour. I think it's 15 bucks. Stop on over. That's on Burbank Boulevard in North Hollywood.

All right. We'll be there at 11 o'clock if you're not doing it. And me and myself. It's fun. And there's a lot of fucking fun, man. So we go there every Tuesdays. And that said, I want to thank Mick for coming on. Don't forget Friday in Saddam at the Toledo.

Funny Bone next Tuesday night. I'm doing the show for Ari at the Cheetah. Get your tickets. This is not happening. And press S2. And they know you're coming to see me and somebody else. Some shit. All right.

Besides that, I love you, Coxuck. Stay black. And don't forget there's a world out there. Fuck your fucking phone. Yeah. In the none of the stories you're going to tell on Ari's show are about your phones. No.

Fuck your fucking phones, Coxuck. I love you guys. Have a great day. We'll be back Wednesday at three. Show is brought to you by onit.com. Use code word church to get 10% off. No, it's a good movie you made with the phone, bro. And use code word church to get 10% off.

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Nice. At night she plays the truth. Where? In the nana. Hey, is that a vika? It's a vika. Let's see if she can play. Without her being able to see it.

And not so soon. No, no, no, no, no, no. No tan prometa me fiesta. Silber de pelino. Y tiene que echar a correr. Esto si es serio, mi amigo. Oye, qué lío. Pero, qué lío.

Qué lío se va a forbar. Que el diaz su gata le cuenta. Que el diaz su gata le dice. Me nada más que un rato. Un rato. Ayúdame, mami, ahora que ya estamos en la sazón Santa, pon a mi, besa mi Jorge, Santana

Santa, pon a mi, besa mi Santa, pon a mi, besa mi Santa, pon a mi, besa mi Santa, pon a mi, besa mi Santa, pon a mi, besa mi Santa, pon a mi, besa mi Santa, pon a mi, besa mi Santa, pon a mi, besa mi

Santa, pon a mi, besa mi Santa, pon a mi, besa mi Santa, pon a mi, besa mi Santa, pon a mi, besa mi Hey, Santana Hey, Santana Hey, Santana Hey, Santana

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know what I'm talking about, because I don't know what I'm talking about, but I dont know what I'm talking about, but I don't know what I'm talking about, because I don't know what I'm talking about, but I don't know what I'm talking about, because for a reason but I don't know what I'm talking about, but I don't know what I'm talking about, But I sing and dance, dance, dance, dance I sing and dance, dance, dance Hey!