Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #322 - Mike Faverman

Episode Date: October 1, 2015

Mike Faverman, Comedian, and host of the Ultimate Outdoor Cooking Show joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   MeUndies.com Go to meundies.com/joey for 20% off.   Recorded live on 09/30/2015.   Music:   Judas Priest - Killing Machines Frank Sinatra - New York New York

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Church to get 10% off of their optimization and then go check out all the other products. And let's start the show. Where's that microphone, Lee Syatt? Kick this motherfucker, Lee. So Wednesday, midday type podcast. Shirts of what's happened now. Are you fucking getting me or what? 96 fucking degrees, eh? 96 degrees, September 30th, 2015, church of what's happening now, you bad motherfuckers,

where has the year gone? You gotta ask yourself, it's fucking October 1st, break out the fucking pumpkins and about a week out of Halloween, all of a sudden they're gonna start advertising fucking Thanksgiving. All of a sudden you see fucking people with hats. A week out of Halloween, they'll start doing it, they'll start doing it as soon as the Halloween candy goes down a little bit. I used to work at CVS, it was constant, it was immediately after the holiday, it's called the seasonal aisle, right in the middle of the store, like it goes straight from Christmas to Valentine's Day usually, or maybe New Year's to Valentine's Day, it's crazy. It's a good shoplifting time of the year, right from Halloween to the fucking

Valentine's that you could steal and bring shit back and put a sweater on, go to a party, sweat it up with the new sweater on. Well, fuck yeah, Mikey Flavors in the fucking house. Oh, he did, he fell in my mouth. My old fucking brothers from back in the day, when did you get here from Boston, Mike? As soon as I graduated from UMass, I went directly out to the west coast of state in San Diego, right, because I'd lived there the summer before and I had a blast dude, junior year college, summer break, went out there by myself, got some cool jobs, the women were unbelievable. What did you do in San Diego? I was a chef, worked at a couple restaurants, curry place, upscale American cuisine place, and then like an

upscale seafood place that was right on the ocean. Now, it was stand up on the horizon already? I wanted to do it. I came out to the west coast to get into it, and actually, funny you should say that, I had done one set in Boston, and then I went down to San Diego to do that open Mike there as a second time set for, in front of Craigie, you remember Craigie McFarland? Anyways, I bombed hard, bro. I mean, to the point where I was like, why did I even bother? It was awful, dude. And then I made my way up to LA, I'm like, well, listen, if you're gonna do it, you know, go up there and get it done. When year was that exactly, about 2000? No, that was 90, probably seven. Because we were in Rascals in 98, 99, in Jersey. Yeah, that's right.

Where'd we go in Texas that time, where the chick had big tits? Camarillo. Who we are? Yeah. Who are they? No, Lubbock. Lubbock, dude. Froggy bottoms. That was so fun, Joey. It didn't even matter. The audiences were small, but we were just ripping them. We're in the middle of nowhere. Dude, what a blast. We had a two bedroom hotel, like a two bedroom condo, the air conditioning. You had the air conditioning to like minus two. I felt like it was in Minneapolis in February, dude. Dude, you were killing me. The best is when you get in the car with him, and it's immediately, like I started to have to bring it, like I'm gonna have to bring a jacket

from now on. It was so cold, there was a cow leg hanging on the ceiling in the corner. Freezing. You were killing me, dude. Over there in the heat of the summer. Yeah, always brutal. In August. Always brutal, dude. But that's what makes it so special, is that, and sweet, is that it's hot. You're in Texas. It's just you and your buddy. The audiences don't know what the fuck's happening, and you're just having a blast and rocking shows, man. You know when you're an attorney, and you go to court, and you say, I'm here with my client, Mike Faveman. He's gonna plead this, you know, due to a case, Jones versus Smith, 1682 property, you know. It's the same way for me with Kamen. You ever go somewhere one night, and because I just told some of this story about Hulia?

Hulia! We were talking about Texas Kamenites. Yeah, uh, Dustin Abarra, Dustin Abarra for the Ice House. We were just talking about, let's face it, as a comic, let's face it. I started in Colorado, went to Seattle, came here. If I really have to say what state made me a comic, I gotta say it was Texas, because you had the Addison Improv, you had Houston, all those rooms, you had El Paso, you had Victoria, you had, you know, uh, what the fuck are we talking about? Love it. Amarillo, you know, you could spend three weeks traditionally, pretty much in fucking Texas. Loved it. Loved it. Loved it. Loved it. The first time I went to Houston, it was, it was like, where the fuck have I been? Yeah. First time I went to Houston, Texas, I'm not lying to you, it was the, September of 1998.

First time I went to Texas, I asked myself two days later, like, I thought I was cool. No, I know nothing about parties or life or cities. Houston had taken me from point A to point B, the food, the people, the ambiance, and then you go to Dallas, then you go to El Paso, which is a border town, it's different, it's more Mexicans, and they're very nice, and they're crazy. How many times do we go to Bart Reid and cause fucking too many? Damage. Too many. You don't even have us back. Yeah, I'm the boss. Yeah, he won't have you back. He won't have me back. No, somebody just sent me a text and he paid them and they said, no, and he never banned me officially. I just don't want to. It was just, you know, you did the room a thousand times. That Monday night, open mic in Houston,

I drove hundreds of miles just to show up and be there several times, just the vibe, the people, the audiences. It's just that Texas was one of the best places to play. Loved it, man. I love the Houston improv now, and I love the kid who runs it, and the people who run it, the Houston improv is a great, great club, but it doesn't match to the memories we had, so it kind of weeds me out when I'm there. No offense to the club. It's a great club. I'm probably going to go back to the next year. I love the fucking place, but what I'm saying is, if you are listening to Mike, Mike used to drive, it's 24 hours from here to Houston. It's 24 hours straight, like if you have a partner in crime with you. Just gas. Stop it,

don't pass, don't gas, eat something and go. Do you know how many times I did that fucking run? 10, 12? Yeah. Like this. I knew it from the back of my fucking hand, you know, everything about it. You know, stop. And that drive across Texas did like humbles you. It's like 12 hours in the same state, a whole day wasted driving across a state. Oh, it was awesome. You guys that want to get into comedy. That's the, you have to drive. That's the one thing. I love driving. You have to love to get in the car and go, okay, I'm going to roll two joints, and I'm not stopping this car until it's on E. Yeah. And I'm on E. And you're going from E to E. Yeah. E to E is when you stop, eat, stretch, roll two more joints, take a piss,

snap, take a nap, whatever. But I would go tanks. I wouldn't stop before a tank, three, four hours. Could you, it was worth it too. Could you make a living as a comic just in Texas? I don't know now, but then I don't know about year round. We're talking 12 fucking months. Okay. We're talking, you do a club twice a year. That's a lot. They don't know who you are. No, you'd have to add Louisiana, Mississippi, Arizona, New Mexico, Tulsa. Yes. Yes. Yes. Maybe a little, the Northern Florida. If you had, if like, let's say money wasn't an issue, right? Like, let's say you had all the money wanted. Would you be like that kind of comic? I could see you enjoying that a little bit more.

You'd have to be smartly, smart put together, like a nice run of four or five cities in and out, boom, boom, boom. But if you got big, dude, you could, you could literally do like a Thursday, Friday, and then a Saturday, Sunday in two different cities. Did you ever hear Tim Allen's argument with Jamie Masada? No, I don't think so. Tim Allen performs at the Laugh Factory from time to time. They make a big deal about it on Wednesday nights. They put clean people around them. Tim's a great guy. I have nothing against him. He's one of my idols growing up in comedy. But there was a time when Tim and Jamie Masada were going at it because he just wanted to do six minutes. Right. And he offered to just do the open mic, but Jamie would fuck him and say Tim Allen is

going to be in the open mic and they beat the one of the people there. Do you understand what I'm coming from? So I don't care how big you get. If you love comedy, one night you're going to go, you know what? Fucking Mike Favons at the, at the, you were at the Tulsa, suck my dick. I see that I'm an hour away. Let's say I'm a millionaire. I'm a big time comic. If you really love comedy, you're going to go see Mike and you're going to do 20 minutes because nobody's knowing you're coming to see it. There's no issue about money. It helps the club. Comedy is comedy. One of the happiest I've ever heard you after a show was that coffee shop you did last year in Kentucky. You really liked that show because there was no, I didn't have to worry about numbers

and money. I just put donations at the end of the night. I put four comics. I said, do you comment split the four fucking people? There was $120, $130. I made that night because nobody ever gives a young comic a dime. Nobody gives a young comic a dime. You know, we were in Vegas last weekend. I got a little agitated by a couple moves because I feel when a young comic has an opportunity, there's no thinking. Do you understand? When a young comic, like when you come to me, you're three years and you go, Joey, I've been doing this for three years. I got 16 minutes. I really want to open feet and I'm like, dog, you know what? Because you came at me like that. Let's do this. And we go on the road a couple times. I want you to fucking go nuts out

there. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, I mean, I love creating opportunities for young comics, but I want them going half ass because I did that. I had went half ass. We call people, right? You pick up the phone and go, what's going on this weekend? Can I come down and do a couple spots? I don't want no money. I'll sleep on the fucking floor. It's crazy. There's a difference between, you know, to need and want. So that's a great question, because I got to tell you something. There's nice. I just want to do comedy. I just want to go to the store and for them to go, Joe Diaz. And I hear three claps and nobody knows who the fuck I am. I can say whatever the fuck I want. You know, I go to the store now. They got me on the gazebo, you know, right? You follow me?

Whatever the fuck it is, the marquee. Do you think you could go and use a different name? Not at the store, obviously, but if you went to like the middle of nowhere and said your name was well, the comic would still, the book would still want to throw you out. No, no, not as like, not as like a headliner, but like even just to show up at an open mic in, I don't know, the middle of California. I would love it. I would love to just show up at open mics and do time from time to time, you know, pure comedy at its best, you know? It's nobody knows who you are. Nobody knows what to expect. And you just rock it and they're just blown away. That's why I always say that's why I was telling Micthia that doing those Mexican rooms about LA, toughen you up because nobody

knows who the fuck you are at those bars. They got six drinks on them. They know nothing. They don't know who the fuck you could be. Cheech Rivera or Cheech Abastiz. They don't know who the fuck you are. And that's what makes the challenge. Anybody could go into a comedy store, an improv or Lulu's coffee shop that advertise comedy every week and people are prepared to go in there and laugh. Those Mexican bars, like I said, when you go in there, there's a Laker game or a Dodger game. Well, you're in Buffalo and you got to go in between the Saber game. Every state has that. They shut off the game in another time. They forgot. You sold out on Thursday, but they forgot to fucking rock it during the playoffs. No, it's a different comedy show,

brother. People getting up, people can't focus. They're giggling, but they want to know who their fucking team is. Like you won a Sunday. If they were playing on 7 o'clock America's game, wouldn't you, if you were sitting there at a fucking boring movie, you're like, what the fuck? New England's playing right now. I get why a lot of comics do Sunday shows and I know you don't like them, but especially during football season, I don't even see the point. Like for anybody, I don't see why the club's even open. Well, some clubs don't look at it that way. They look at 80 people in a seat, two drinks a piece. That's their Sunday night. At least they got a little, they're going to be there anyway. For me, I worked Sundays till fucking forever. I worked Sundays

till 2000 and fucking three. And one day I said, you know what? I don't want to work Sundays no more. They're really a waste of my fucking time. Even though we did, man, we had fun at the fucking the South Point that Sunday. That was a great show. That's fun. But then it's just like, well, imagine in Texas where football is everything. So Friday night is high school football, Saturday's college, Sunday's pros, Monday's pro. Oh yeah. That's, that's, I gotta tell you Thursday night. That must be crazy to book, to get anybody to come out in Texas. As sad as this sounds, some of the best shows I've had in this business have been on the Sunday night. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I had a chick take her fucking clothes off in Miami one time this Sunday

night. I have to fucking laugh, stop in Houston, Sunday night games, Sunday night, 100 people. Those 100 people are really 400 people. They're out to fucking laugh on Sunday, brother. Right. So get me wrong. What a lot. Some of the best, listen, I had a great time. I shot the special on Friday and Saturday, but on Sunday, that was loose. I got that valve and let fucking loose. And there were a bunch of old people in there. I got three emails, people hated me, but I let fucking loose. Okay. On a Sunday, that's a slow week. Yeah. Sunday night, you got to let loose. Everybody knows where we stand. It's been a long week and we're going right into a fucking new one. We're getting right into a new one. So now you're in LA.

It's 1998. What possessed you to go to the comedy store? Oh man, it's come on, man. It was the, the, the stars that came out of the place. The place is historic. It's world famous comedy store. You knew about this comedy. I was, you know, when I was a kid, it was always Dice and Kenison and Eddie Murphy. And, uh, and you're like, these guys are rock stars of comedy. And they were bringing huge audiences and just rocking stadiums and specials. And you're like, that's, that's the pinnacle. These guys are killing it. So I had to, you know, come out him, man. I, uh, who was the first big name you saw at the store that took your breath away for a second? Yeah. I mean, not huge star, but Freddie Soto. Really? Um, I just went there like one of

the first days in town and the lineup was Johnny Sanchez, Freddie Soto. I think you, but Holtzman, Holtzman, dude. He, he, he insulted me. I wanted to go at that guy. I'm like, who the fuck is this prick? And then he ended up to be a good friend years later, man. Man, I scream at people, dude. It was funny, but I got mad, you know, but Soto was all, dude, he like, he lit up a small room like no one ever seen. You know what I mean? Daisy at that point. I saw him in the billy room in front of like maybe five, six people and he was a hundred percent on, you know what I mean? Animation, you know, he played everything out and he rocked that place. And I was like, whoa, he got that much out of that, you know, unopportunistic, you know, you know, performance

man. He was awesome. So then I just, you know, started to ease my way in, man, got a job there for a little while. And then you, I gave you a joint, I gave you a joint because what was the book his name? Ken Phillips. Ken Phillips. He's like, give Joey Diaz his joint. Now, how'd you meet Ken Phillips? Craigie used to work for him, was like an assistant for him. And he just said, go see Joey Diaz, seek you out. You weren't hard to find. And boom, the rest was history. Smoked that joint and then, and just taught me about the triple runs, dude. Oh, those nightmare years, 800 miles in between gigs for like 150. Who'd you do them with? Who'd you do them with? I had one guy, Joey. He was like an old depressed guy that was drinking a jug of wine. He would take it and

he would literally cry. He would cry into like a hand puppet. I was like, bro, I'm out of here. I almost dropped them off in like Missoula. I was done with this guy, dude. For people who don't know. Okay, so you wake up one morning, you don't know where your life is going, or you're fucking miserable. All right, you hate your wife, you hate your mother, you hate everybody, you know, all of a sudden a stand up comedy show comes on the middle of this, you say to yourself, hmm, I could do this. You go to the fucking bookstore, you buy a book with your last eight dollars, you read up on it, you go on the yellow pages. This is way before fucking, I'm talking before. You go on the yellow pages, you look up comedy clubs. There's two fucking comedy clubs. You go

down there one night, you pay the fig together and you pay two drinks, you watch, and on the way out, you see they have an open talent night. Your fucking senses go off. Your senses go off. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. You're ready to fucking go. You get your material ready. You tell all your boys, the people that work, 22 people come out, they're rubbing your shoulders. This is your big fucking moment. You go up there and eat the dick of life, right? You just, it's like a dick comes out of the back, comes right through your head. But you go out of that stage and it's like cupid. It's an acceleration. It's this feeling more. It's me throwing you off a building with a parachute. It's you choking somebody. It's just you coming in somebody's mouth. It's everything

rolled up in one. You leave there, you think about it and you go, nah. All right, you go, nah. Then you go out and you see one of the guys that night. He says, you're great. Where are you from? Boston. I'm from Boston. You went to UMass. I went to Emerson, blah, blah, blah. My brother runs a piano bar on Tuesday. Come on down and do it again. Lee, after the first time, somebody will, that's the devil that comes up to you. There's always a person that goes, hey man, what are you doing tomorrow night? Go to the coffee house. And all of a sudden he disappears until the end. And you're like, okay, I'll go to the coffee house. And that second time, Lee, it's like doing heroin the second time. Now you start shuffling your life in your head, like, maybe I'll do this, I'll do

that. And then you go out more and talk to people, go out more. Now you have a year in. You have a direction. You have a schedule. You have a day job. You're still going out at night. And all of a sudden, Mike Fabin comes up to you and says, hey, you got a car? And you're like, yeah. And you're like, it's brand new. It's a Volkswagen. I got a warranty on it. What do you get the miles for the gallon 60? How would you like to open up for me on the road? And then the guy'll say to you, how much time do you have, Lee? And you're like, 13. Perfect. You need 30. But fuck it. We'll roll right on the way. You know, that's comedy, guys. Tribble is the first door that gets open to you to play every back. You know, like a, there's a city. All right. When we tell people, I'm from

Boston, I tell people I'm from Boston because I'm really from anywhere, Worcester, Worcester places on, but I don't have time to fucking explain. So I'm from Bush Worcester, right? Let's pretend I'm from Worcester. So the big comedy club is Boston. What's the second big comedy club? Probably Worcester. Well, it's not Dan or the Chinese restaurant. The triple runs are the third big city in a city. That's what I'm trying to say. That's like Maldon. So yeah, it's the third. It's the third August. It's the third big city in a city. Okay. And what he has is a bar. I mean, and here you are, like you and your whole thing. First off, you get up and you get your whole no towel room. You've made it and your head leads. Somebody paid for this. And also they'll come up to you and say,

do you want to do a soundcheck? Soundcheck? Sure. You go over there. You don't know. It's your first. You get on. Now you have like, it's very interesting because you have Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, every night in a different eight hour drive between cities. Do they have those in like hotel room bars? I saw that one. I forget where I was. And they had like a little wooden like, what's the hotel? Stumpy. He has a lot of red lines or something like that. Red lines. That's crazy. But I remember just getting to the gig and then hoping the hotel was there for you. You know what I mean? You weren't even sure if it was going to be there. You'd be stranded in the middle of nowhere, you know, these guys, these little gigs. But dude, those were like the, that's where I met

the Holodome. You know, the Holodome in South Dakota. It was a holiday in with a dome because it was so cold out that they'd play football with their families and have like events there. I mean, in the middle of nowhere, bro. I went all the way to Sneak River, Snake River, one of the Dakotas. But we went to one place, Doug, that it was fucking scary on those triple runs. And by Tuesday, I'd said to myself, I could go the whole week without bluff. But by Friday, I'd be fucking dying for a bump. And I'm not going to a Snake River and going, it was a two nighter. It was Friday and Saturday. What state do you think at Dakota? One of the Dakotas. It was far jack. You know, it was like, I went to Haver, which is on the top of Montana in the middle of nowhere. It was like a

ton of 64 and everyone was there. Everybody's there. The whole time. You don't understand. You're like a fucking big time. Look at me. There he is. He's coming to town. Oh shit. You just drove 800 miles. You've been eating fast food. All you want to do was crash and like, welcome to the stage. Dude, I remember I drove 800 miles from one gig to the next. And when I got there, when I got there, I got heckled the whole time by these three young Jerkoff drunk douchebags. It was awful, dude. Driving 800 miles to get heckled the whole time. It's 12 hours, right? Yeah. Yeah, dude. Guys, when I did that run and when I first got introduced to triple, it was January of 95. I had just quit Colorado Sports Advisors for the last time I had taken. I had a little count going

and I would do triple runs and I would deliver Chinese food when I was home. But I would go on the triple runs for three weeks straight. I knew nothing but triple runs in those days. And I got to tell you, man, it's a crash course into fucking comedy. It's a crash course. Like whatever holds you had in your game after six months of triple runs, there won't be any holds in your game. You're not going to be fucking Johnny Banana still, but all those little dummy things that you do, that we all do, just dumb habits. You'll work them out because it's four nights a week. And then you learn how to share a room. Like, I know you go to the hotel on Sunday morning, go, what are you going to charge me to stay the extra night? And they'll say, well,

we'll give you a rate of 42 bucks. You only made 75 a night before. So you're sacrificing a night of peace. Then you got, then you ask for a late check out on Monday till like two when you eat the crackers, the bagels for breakfast, the muffins, you take every low pass, everything, you take everything you call. I had a Datsun B210 with everything Lee. I had a pole in the back seat where you can hang clothes. I had a sleeping bag, a pillow, a blanket, an extra blanket, flares, radiated repair, an extra tire, bloating for the fucking, the tire got flat and you didn't have a spare. You can at least write it like a Puerto Rican to a gas station. Lee, you have everything, boxes of rolling papers, band-aids, everything. You learn to have everything because you're living

on the road. I destroyed rental cars, destroyed them. I remember I got one at like 50 miles, original miles. I brought it back. It was like 12,000 miles, dude. And they're all like, what? Dude, 12,000. I'm limited. When they give you that unlimited, you fucking push back hell. I remember the run too. I went all the way to Houston, then up to St. Louis, Chicago, North Carolina, back down to Houston, Little Rock, and then Arizona and then LA back home. But Little Rock was where you ran out and they didn't pay you because you ran out with a chick. Oh, that guy. And Joe Chadwick didn't pay you the money. That's where the hotel bed broke for Ralphie. We put him on the third floor in that hotel. It was like an okay hotel. They put him on the third floor. That was the name

of the place, the okay hotel. He broke the fucking bed Ralphie when he was at that club. Oh my God. Little Rock, Arkansas is where I found that. I had sleep apnea, where a doctor came up to me in the hallway. Dude, how did you do in Little Rock? Did they hate you? Horrible. Horrible. Horrible. Horrible. Horrible. That was the worst. Listen, in comedy, there's going to be times you're going to get work and you're not prepared for that work. I was not at the. I went to there. I was probably doing comedy seven and a half years. I thought I had the world by the balls. I was doing good in bigger hippercities where I could do my drug lingo. Yeah. But when I went to that place, that was three

nights and just dying. He had lined me. I just died. It was just that it was horrible. Not for people like us. Huh? Not for comics like us. No, no, no, no. We're northeasterners. I'll go down there right fucking down and rock that room. Yeah. But in those days, it was seven and a half years. It was doubts. They don't like my accent. There's people with white hair. They're Christians. You know what I'm saying? They're nice people. Now I'm experienced to handle that. Now I know to blow past that in my mind. Yeah. Just blow past and do your material and they either catch on or they fucking don't. That's it. That's it. End of story. When you watch Stand Hope, Stand Hope goes into those rooms. Stand Hope will go into a fucking church and do his material and that's why you

have to give all the love in the world because it's fearless and it's committed. He's committed into the material. He's in there in your face yelling, cunt, your fuck. You know, whatever the fuck has come out of his mouth, he believes it. So because he believes it, you believe it and you just sit there and take the abuse. If you're not experienced to do Stand Hope shit, try that shit. You try that Stand Hope style if you're not experienced. If you don't have a fucking spine bunion and all you guys are listening to me, you know, if you're a comic, there's every guy, there's a, there's two Stand Hope wannabes in every fucking city. Every city has two Stand Hope wannabes. And a Hicks wannabe. Yeah, but the Hicks have gone away. It's Stand Hope. What do you

mean Stand Hope wannabe? Stand Hope wannabes. The style. The style. The cadence. The cadence, to go up there, they're drinking, they're partying, they party hard. It's not like a, it's not like an act about Stand Hope. It's just them. No, they don't always mean to. They just, they're that way. Right. It's just them doing, no. When you start in comedy, you latch onto a style until your style evolves. Right. But I didn't, I didn't know it extended to like everything about their act. Well, you're sitting at dance, Stand Hope comes on. You're fucking 24 years old. Yeah. You're a funny, witty fucking guy. You get smacked at parties because you're drinking shit. That's the end. Well, Stand Hope fucking fits. Stand Hope's my brother,

but Stand Hope has gotten beat up, blumped on his head because he's a little guy with a wise fucking mouth. So now those guys, and a drinking problem, and a drinking problem. So those guys that trash the Stand Hope, they go on stage and they try to do what they do is Stand Hope doing abortion jokes and crushing baby's heads and the uterus of an unborn child and they use big words and they, and it's prepared and they rattle off that shit and people look at you like, yeah, I'm going to applaud because it took 20 minutes to look on the fucking internet for those big words and fit them all together in those references, but you're not selling it like Stand Hope. You'll never sell it like Stand Hope will take you 12 fucking years to even get the balls that Stand

Hope had at the 10 year mark. So it's a real, and they'll find out. I've been in the back. Listen, I used to host the second part of the comedy store and Mike Feynman will be my witness, and the early part, I'd get there at nine to secure Michael Caine from the doorman and to watch the nine o'clock guys and to watch the showcases. Every other week had in those days, this is 15 years ago was when Kenison was still relevant. Remember the generation that's listening to this podcast? I'm assuming most of them are Dane Cook guys like you. Yeah, a lot of them. That's, and that's the way it is. That's who they, that was their guy. I put on HBO one night and I saw Kenison talking about, you know, why are you bringing those people fucking food? Yeah, there's

nothing but sand out there and I'm falling off my chair. You're following me. I'm fucking howling. So, but everybody's different. So now, but dude, that's better come back around, man. We need to bring that back around. Rockstar comics too. We don't have any anymore. Yes, we do. Yes, we can do. Yes, we do. They just don't act, you know, rock. Comedy is a different thing now. You know, everybody and their mother wants to be a comic. It's the podcasting, all this, this comic thing in their face. Everybody's going for it now and I applaud you. I just don't want you to think because you have a podcast and you look big words up on the internet that it's all going to work out for you. The common denominator that Mike Fabian has, the reason why he's sitting at this table

is because we all worked. We knew that without the work, it was not going to fucking happen. And once you established that, like, yeah, enjoying the process. I know the club, the guy said, you're the naturally gifted comic. I know, I know, I know, I know. Wait till they put you on the line up at death by mistake at the improv or at the last factory. What did they put God free in front of you at the last factory? And you fucking fall apart at the seams. I've seen it a thousand times. You've been doing comedy for four years. I've been doing comedy for 24. I've seen it for more fucking angles. I've seen people come out here just one San Francisco, get thrown up at the fucking comedy store in between six of those guerrillas and walk out of there like one of those people on

AMC. You walk right into traffic. Like the walking dead. Yeah, because they thought that they were going to get giggles and laughs all the fucking time. This motherfucker, there's a thing called reality. That store. This time as I go to that comedy store in the original moment, I got to, I get spanked, man. They spanking. It's a humbling room. And you know what? We love it because it's the challenge, man. It's those rooms that give us the hardest time. You know, you thrive. I sat here with McBenton court and explained to him about the story on that. What the store does for you. It's like going to John Jog Jiu-Jitsu. If you sign up for John Jog Jiu-Jitsu, he takes the money right there to check $200 a fucking month. You're committed already.

So you look at yourself and go, okay, I'm going to go learn Jiu-Jitsu. You look at the schedule and go, I can make that class, that class, that class, that class. You go to four Jiu-Jitsu's a week. The people that you're rolling against up there are fucking all John Jog Savages. They put their forearms under your throat. They throw you up in the air, you know. So now I'm going to guess what happens to you after 30 days of doing that. Your game rises. That's the comedy store. I don't give a fuck what anybody tells you. That's the comedy store. The people you follow at the store. That's the amazing. Can you see why there's a lot of comics you don't like it?

Absolutely. I love it. Absolutely. It's people who don't want to get choked up. People who don't want, you know what? It's humbling, dude. Plastic surgery and remove my fat. I'd rather not exercise. Okay. Then go somewhere else and do it because you're never really going to get it. You're never going to see. Every time I go to that comedy store now I sit there in the back. I hope there's a chair and you sit in the back and guess what? I learn every fucking time. Last night I watched Sebastian take that room from one direction to another to another. I was howling telling his mother she had bad breath. It smells like a tongue

died. I fucking lost it last night in the back. Rick Ingram fucking ripped that room apart. Really? Ricky Ingram took that room apart. Then Ron White went up there. This is my gym. This is my gym. So do you guys on this? This is like if I'm a quarterback and my gym is Brady, Rothenberger, and C4 too. Whatever the fucking name is. Whatever. I don't know who you're doing. I don't know. The fucking guy that changed his name to number RG3. This is your fucking gym. That was a good one. I didn't know it.

This is your fucking gym favorite. You know, anytime. Listen. Those light ups are insane. Can you imagine? What would you do if you got drafted by New England? You were a quarterback. Okay. You're a little bit surprised. Right. Let me just ask you. No, no, no, no. Let's talk this hypothetically. What would happen if six years ago you got drafted by New England and you're the number two quarterback? Guess what? You're getting the education of a lifetime. That's when you don't

say boo. You don't say boo because it don't matter. They're going to do one of these one day to you. And you've been playing behind the king, watching him, his little secrets, his drops, how he fakes motherfuckers, how he doesn't give a fuck, how he deflates the balls. He learned everything. Every little thing. Number two. So you win. That's what you learn. You win. Yeah, but his back ups have been okay. Matt Castle's been the best one, but so far, none of them have really done that well. Yeah, but somebody's gonna come along.

Matt Castle got a big contract because he was in that system and got 10 wins and didn't make the playoffs. But he had like a one good year here, like 11 and five, and then he went to Kansas City and was okay. But he hasn't been great. I was actually kind of hoping his suspension got held up because I don't want, I want him healthy in the playoffs. Who, Brady? Yeah, I don't care. I don't care.

He'll be alright, dude. I hope so. When we lock a playoff spot and we get home field throughout, then... Hell yeah, they don't sit down. We were beating the Jaguars by like 40 points and they had them still in there. Yeah, what is this, the fucking New England sports report? Talk a second. Little break.

If I want to hear New England sports, I'll listen to my man Tommy Highton. Yeah. But those years, dude, on the road, let's stand up. He was one of those guys who went on the, on the road, did those triple runs, all those hell gigs. That's how he became. Stand up. Exactly. Stand up became stand up in those fucking triple runs. No.

For years, he disappeared because nobody was going to give him love. And he adjusted his comedy to work in those rooms. They couldn't either stand him or they would ask for him to come back a week later. Do you know that? That's how you knew he was going to be something special. In 19... First time I met stand up was 91. Then in 92, he came back to Boulder and by that time he had got evening at the improv. Then I didn't see him, but I heard his name.

So by the time I got to Seattle, I go, what the fuck is Doug stand up? He goes, he's just one San Francisco. They broke into his car the night of and he went to a second hand store and bought a suit and went up on stage and spanked everybody. First time like a filthy comic went up there and spanked everybody. The San Francisco Herald wrote a story about him. He moved right to LA, HBO gave him a developmental deal for nothing. What do you mean?

Like nothing. Oh, like nothing? Like 30 grand. He was worth 10 million, you know, at that time. They didn't even know who they had. They just wanted to take them off the fucking market. You know, that's really weird. And all of a sudden he's this fucking, I saw him in Seattle in 95 and guys,

I never saw none like that in my life. It's Eddie Murphy delirious. It's dice his special. It's, I just saw something live that I wanted to quit because I never thought I could be that. I said, this is never going to happen. And you know what? I should tap out right now. You did, dude.

I remember when me, you and Rogan were in like West Jersey, was it New Jersey? Yeah, yeah, Rascals. Dude, you split that room in half. I was the emcee. I almost couldn't follow you as an emcee to bring up Joe Rogan. You crushed that place, dude. You remember that? I was like 98, 99.

Yeah, I think it was. And dude, you creamed that room. You have that too. You have that too. When you kill so hard, when you get on stage, people follow you out of the room. I love it. Only certain people have that. I love going on stage and committing and taking them for a fucking ride.

They look at you and they go, we don't know what the fuck just happened. Yeah, we just go leveled. What the fuck just happened? Yeah. I love that. I love those 18 minute spots when you already have a calculator. And they commit to you too. Oh my God.

They're in. What's next? Oh my, and especially after the OR. Like the OR has that effect. The killing in the OR is probably the best feeling you can have as a comedian. Especially after having fallen someone pretty good as well. The best. And walking out of the OR when you're done with that set, you're like, ah, that felt so good.

Last night I was walking out of the end to the car. I thought hit me as I was crossing sunset. I'd like to know how many sets I've done in there. That'll be at least a thousand or more, right? Right? I'd just like to know. I know all the corners in there. You know, all the edges.

You've been in the pocket a few times. Yeah. You take them in the pocket daily. That could probably even be doable. Don't they keep the show sheets going? I don't think they like since they spread sheets and stuff. Since 98, 2, 10, 5, 17 years of spots. I know they have them somewhere, but I'm not going upstairs and counting sheets.

I would say close to a thousand, if not more. Since 98, she's given me when she was there. I got some fucking love from her till about 2003. Then Tommy came in and I disappeared in 2007. And then since I've been back, they give me three a week. If I call, if I remember, I don't call from coast to coast no more. I'm too old. I can't be out six nights a fucking week.

I have a heart attack, guys. By the fourth night, I can't fucking wake up the next morning. So I could be out there two nights, three nights, Thursday and Saturday. That's good enough for me. I don't need to be out there Friday night, banging out with young kids. I'm no fucking man. No, just get it done.

We have to feed our lust for, you know, just doing stand-up, man. I cannot not do it in a week. And if I tell you something, Fabian and Leah, I hope you guys don't take this the wrong way, even the public. I don't want to do comedy anywhere else no more. What do you mean, on the road? No, I want to do the road. And when I'm in LA, I just want to do the spot.

Yeah. I don't know what happened to me a couple of weeks ago. I went to a gig about three months ago, and on the way home, I said, no offense, I'm going to end this fucking career at the store. I'm not going anywhere else no more. I went to the faculty last night for Don Moreira. But besides that, I don't want to go anywhere else no more. Dude, it's home, dude.

It's really home. It's really home. Welcome back, by the way. And everybody's just being able to say that. It's great. The people are coming to the shows. You know, the people, you know. He's put up there right now, bro.

It's, I just don't want to go anywhere. And people hit me up on Twitter and Facebook. I get fucking hit every day. Can you come to Santa Monica on the third of October? Listen, you're in no fucking danger. You're in no danger. I hear Santa Monica while I see is the 405. That's all I see now.

Yeah. Hey, you want to go 405. That's all you see. I see the 405 in my fucking nightmares. Done. Done. Like, I don't want to go to, I don't care. I don't want to see no audiences.

Oh, it's a cool room. There's a guy with a piano. They serve cheesecake. Listen, I don't give a Frenchman's fuck. I don't want to just go to the store. You know, I love the way I've got you in Long Beach. I had to stop. That's a good club.

And it was taking the blood out of me. That seven, 10 run. It was cute at first. Then you're going down. I got to follow an English dude with a bass. I don't need that aggravation. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I got to dig for D jokes.

I don't want to fuck me. You know what I'm saying? I don't want to throw eight jokes at these people. Nobody's paid for a ticket. They're all sitting there. Like, we thought this was Orange County. They don't fucking know those people on Long Beach. They think Snoop Dogg's in the coming.

They're out in the fucking back, eating chicken wings, the stab. They don't know what the fuck's going on. You hear bottles banging. Nah, you know what? I'm too old to be driving around fucking town. I'll do the lab factory and make a hooker right. And go to the store. And the ice house.

The ice house is my stuff. That's a classy job. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I like that place. I got my little love going with them. They're fucking very decent people. We don't even eat. No, we never even eat nothing.

We eat the cheese, the free cheese. One time, you made me get a chicken sandwich because I was so high. But you sent the manager without you. It's like, hey, do you want something? I was like, I was too high. And I got nervous. And then when I said, no, you can't be like,

get a fucking chicken sandwich. Because of course, I had driven or something. You're the best. He's a savage suspect. He's this guy. He's eating fucking 400 milligrams an hour a day. I got him on. He's in training.

Case the Russians capture him. You know how those Russian Jews are. They don't fuck around. They don't mess around. Isis. Isis Jews. So now when you started comedy, you were also a chef. I remember you were in Melrose.

Yeah, we're a couple of places. You were a chef in a few places. I mean, anybody who has- I loved it, Joe. You still do. I know you do. I do that comedy cooking thing. Yeah, it's still-

Now, I remember you doing all this stuff. And then your comedy started evolving. People started talking to you. You went on the road. You did comedy on the tour. It worked out. Oh, dude, like, I think it was 42 states, man. How would you do it with?

Oh, just over time. You did it by yourself. You went to different clubs and interviewed different people. Dude loved it. I love the lifestyle. I love sometimes not knowing where you're going to be. Now, you didn't do a Wesley, did you? I did one with Wesley.

Oh, didn't he do the other one where he did with his buddies and they went across time? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, I didn't do Wesley. But no, I just- I loved it. I didn't care where I was doing it. The adventure of going to another state, another city, dude.

It was over, man. I had to be there, the different girls in the different cities. He was killing me, dude. I'm laughing because one night, I'm fucking done. You're like the second guy. Two months, you're just laughing your face, dude. One night, I go to Fabians. They got a victim over there who's sucking dick.

This whole fucking thing. I get in the car, I go get Ricky Cruz. I go, Ricky's with the chick. I go, Ricky, get in the fucking car. Release the chick there. We go back. We go upstairs. The chick is banging.

She was at the store the night before sucking dicks and fucking hilarious. She sucked my young's dick. Yeah, on stage. This chick was hot on stage. Oh, yeah. Or she sucked Rogan's dick and made out with Mike Young. Fucking hilarious. Next night, she's at the store on a Monday night.

And these guys take it back to Flamin'. You had this weird roommate, then, that white uptight dude, and you had Ron Lewis. You had two roommates there. You had like a skinny white dude that was only staying with you for a month, kind of nerdy. How are you doing? Yeah, what was that?

What was that about? Remember? Everyone staying at my place. This was when Ricker lived on your couch. Yeah. Remember the day Ricker brought his baby over and had a bag around him with duct tape as a diaper? Yeah, as a diaper.

On my bed with no underwear on, bouncing around on my sheets and him going like, What? What's the problem? I don't know, man. How about, and then the socks off on my, and it's feet on my table. Three days, no shower. You could throw the socks against the wall.

It would stick like pasta. Crawling down the wall. Mike Ricker was one of the funniest motherfuckers that lived out here. Man. And they don't have to stay. Do you know he used to walk to the economy store from where? Tell him where he used to walk to the economy store. Like Glendale.

Dog, listen to him. When did he leave? Like yesterday? No, he left about. Six AM. It was like a full work day. He would leave with no cigarettes and a dollar. He was going through two sneakers a week, I believe.

He was going from fucking. He was taking bus. He didn't have the money. Where's he getting sneakers? I know he would sleep at his sister-in-law's house on the fucking floor. He would walk from the valley to fucking the economy store. And sit there from four o'clock drinking sodas, eat nice cubes, and bumping cigarettes until somebody came and gave him 10 bucks.

Then he'd go on stage, rip it up. He'd get it. But when he was on fire, he was a writer for a long time. Dude, he was funny, man. He's a funny fucking dude, man. He just got bitter and ran out of money making his schemes. He got mad at guys. He had something.

Now, here's the other side of the token, guys, okay? You're a comedian. You bump into Ron White. Ron White really likes you. You know? He really fucking likes you. He says to you, you know what, man? Can you do this gig with me and Tuscaloosa?

And you go, fuck yeah. He pays you some good fucking money. He flies you in. You've been treated like you've never been treated before. Now he starts taking out the fucking room, okay? I'll tell you what happens. There's guys that go on the road with big guys. They're selling out stadium tours.

They make a nice living. They keep to themselves. They don't interfere. They don't fuck around and they go back to their rooms. And it keeps the headline of thinking, what's this guy doing? Mike Ricker went out with Dice. And this is the other side of this. After a while, he just got dependent on Dice.

And Dice found out. Dice saw that. Do you follow me? What do you mean dependent? I want you to do your thing. Don't worry about what I'm doing. When you do it with me, you're taking care of it. But I also want you to do your thing.

I don't want you to call me and say, yo, when are we going out again? I have to pay my rent. Do you follow what I'm saying to you? Right. Almost ungrateful. Oh, you follow me? Like, when are we going out again? Like, no.

It's. They'll call you. I want to call. I want to call you from time to time and go, hey, Lee, you want to do that thing for me on Tuesday? I can't. I'm doing something with favor. Okay.

Wow. For a minute, I'll be hurt. If I'm a fucking comic and I'm real, for a minute, I'll be hurt. But then I go, you know what? Good for him. He's getting work on his own. Now I want you to know this motherfucker is for real. So every six jobs I give you, when I give you the seventh one,

I can't do that one. I'm doing a job with fucking Damon Waynes that week. Right. You know what? I'm going to be mad at you for two minutes. But I'm going to respect that. Because you're not on my dick. You're not on the fucking horn with me all day.

Going, what is my next gig? I'm running out of diapers for my kid. And that's what happened. Yeah. So one day the guy goes, I don't need this aggravation in my fucking life. And he lost his mind. He couldn't adjust to that.

Like how can he got bitter about it? You know, it's supposed to roll off your shoulder. This is comic. You get upset for six or seven days, but you're a comic. You got to go back out there. Now, you want to start a beef? It's not like two fucking biggies. They're on each coast to coast.

Guess what? We bump into each other on the road. You know how comfortable it is to have a beef and get on a plane with another comic? Give them a good life. So just why? OK, he fired me. I move on.

I go get all the fucking work. Everything happens for a reason. Ray Romano got fired from fucking news radio. They hired Joe Rogan. Where's Ray Romano today? He's got 19 fucking shows. He's playing golf. You understand me?

It's what you make of the situation. And that's what happened to Rick. A funny fucking guy. They moved back. He had two more kids. He had a child that had autism. It costs a lot of money to have a child. This is a city where you have to wake up every morning

and make a hustle. Mike, am I fucking bullshitting you? Every day you got to wake up with the same enthusiasm you had 10 years ago. Who does that type of shit? Who does that? Most people get up in the morning, go somewhere. They tell them what to do.

They get on a fucking high low where they build. Who gets up every morning? And every day we have to entertain. I got a meeting at two. I got to be nice to this jerk off. He has to give me a deal. You know, it's fucking tough. One day you wake up and most people go,

you know what, I don't need this no more. My brother has a restaurant. I can't take another no. But they weren't in for the long haul. They weren't in for the haul long haul. Let me give you an example. Mike Feynman books a showtime show. Whitney Cummings produces a showtime show.

At the same time, you've always loved cooking. You went to Idaho. You hooked up with some guy. And you created some type of show, camping. Do you not? Mac and the Big Cheese. It's an ultimate outdoor cooking show. And we tour all over the place, dude.

And it's been a ride, man. A real ride. And we basically just do, it's like duo comedy, which I never thought I'd ever do. But I have great chemistry with this kid. It's like Abbott and Costello. He's just this short little chubby guy, hilarious, lovable, loves for me to like shit on him.

He gives it back to me. And we both do a bunch of crowd work. And then we have a show where we're, you know, we're showing recipes, how to make recipes and serve them after the show. So it's like, you know, you're learning. You're having some comedy. And then you're going to try the food afterwards.

It's amazing, Joey. Yeah. Now, how long have you been doing this? 10 years. 10 fucking years. Because you've always been touring comedy and headlining and doing your thing. I do both.

But at the same time, sometimes you go, I got a cooking show. Now you do cooking conventions. All types of things. Like an RV show at the beginning of the year. You do sometimes convention centers. I'm fucked up. Oh yeah, me too.

I'm fucked up. Yeah. I gotta tell you, whatever was in those fucking edibles, fucked me up for that. It was perfect though. It was just mellow. And that reefer wasn't bad either. Fucking he hold to the reefer.

He just took like four times. Do you just get a piece of hash payment? No, this is. Look at this fucking. Oh my god. Does that come from Iraq? Yeah. Yeah.

Looks like a little piece of Iraq. Oh my god. The guy that gave me this is a Russian. That's like five foot two. He's missing two of the little fingers. He's tatted up everywhere. And every time I see this guy, he gives me a fucking present.

I'm over at one of the weed stores. He's a real fucking trooper. Oh my god. That's. What does that do to you? This is the first time I saw it. So I'm in the same position as you, motherfuckers.

We're both virgin to the core. This will be on fire by tonight. So what are you up to, dude? Haven't talked to you in a while. Faves. I got a baby. I got a wife. Crazy, man.

I got to fucking pick the baby up. You know, that's a part of my life. I got to write comedy. I got to do a podcast. And then on Thursdays, I got on a fucking plane. I got to try to stay healthy because who do you think changed? You know, you got to chase this fucking child.

That's why you asked what we did this morning. When did you get to? I went Monday, Tuesday. I went to kettlebells. I've been doing the kettlebells for about a year and a half. You know, kettlebells. Those Russians, Brody Stevens, Rogan, all those guys do it.

But it's good for jiu-jitsu. It's good to burn fat. If you do a high amount, then it's good to burn fucking fat and get strong. Instead, you got to go to the gym and fucking lift weights. I do that too. When I'm on the road, I go to the hotel and fucking lift some weights.

I do anything. I go for walks. You know what I mean? I'm just trying to stay alive. That's it, man. I got to put blood in that fucking of those cocaine spots in my heart. You know what I'm saying?

Favorite. What's your favorite cities now to play? What do you like to go? If I go there twice, I like your city, man. I like the setup. I like the setup in Boston. Oh, yeah?

I love the setup in Lab Boston. I love the setup in fucking Cleveland. I love the setup in Columbus, Ohio. Yeah. I heard St. Louis is getting a new club. Yeah, February. That's good to visit. Third to the seventh.

Well, to go see Filoto. Fourth to the seventh time in St. Louis. Helium. Oh, great. And, you know, Tommy's on an all-time boom. Tommy's on an all-time boom. Now, Punchline is opening up in Philadelphia.

Really? To really add fucking flame. Because Helium's on fire. Helium's the boy to fucking follow. That'll give Helium Buffalo, Philadelphia, North Carolina, St. Louis, and Portland, Oregon. I'll be in Portland in November. I like that club in Portland, Oregon.

And you know where they're going to start popping up soon? Again, in Texas. Like those big old school clubs that we used to go to. I guarantee somebody's eventually going to open one up. But the Houston last time. What happened in that scene? It was bad ass. And that was done, huh?

Done. It's done. There's three survivors. Renee Garcia, Ralph Rimey, and Lonnie Turner. Everybody else is in Houston doing comedy. I think they just shot a special for Netflix. I don't know if they sold it. I don't know what the...

Who did? Westling and those guys. Okay, cool. All these Adikas down there? All these Adikas fucking it up down there. All these Adikas making things happen. But that's a new scene. He's a young, young, young guy compared to the dudes we knew down there that came and went.

Do you think comedy is still in an upswing then? Comedy is fucking in a major upswing. It's coming fast, too. It's in a major upswing. I mean, it's taking cities over. People are out. Everybody has a festival. Everybody's doing something.

Everybody's got a bar to book again. It is in a major fucking league. Yeah. Those lineups of the comedy story are insane. The lineups of fucking... You could not be in something. I was telling Mick this the other day. I go, Mick, you have no idea.

Jesus. You have no fucking idea what goes up down there. And even like four guys that you look at. Steve Byrne, you know, Steve, Sebastian, Bobby Lee, and Rick Ingram. That's still a lineup from hell. That's an hour in front of you throwing fucking bangers and shit. Have you ever... I mean, I know you like not working every weekend because you need to...

Tap time for everything. But since it's such an upswing, have you thought about going out just like six months straight? Just make all that money? No way. Dude, I was just away for a month. It was over. I can't do it. Never again.

I can't do it. Dude, wife, kids. I can't do it. I can't do it. It's like... I can't do it. I can't do it. You can work for weekends.

It's not even with the money. It's not. It's not about the money. It's what I can do and what I can't do. Week and a half out of the tops, two cities. Bang bang out. Not even. Oh yeah, I wanted to...

Listen, I went to Vegas on a Friday morning. I did a show a night, 7.30 to 9. Three nights in a row. I used to do those standing on my fucking head, okay? All right? And then I came home on a Monday morning. I think we did a podcast. Yep.

You know, Jiu Jitsu, The Wife, The Baby. Tuesday, we did something. Didn't even do a podcast. And I was back on a plane Wednesday. I got to be honest with you guys. I didn't kill myself in New York. I went to two Jiu Jitsu classes. Yeah.

I walked around. I saw my friends. I went to the cemetery. I put flowers for my mother, the usual shit. But it's not like I was out to a four in the morning, out partying. I got my hours of sleep, bro. I clocked those hours, you know,

because I know, I know the other side of the coin. It's not a half hour set, no more fame. It's 45 minutes to an hour in front of people paying $24. There's no room for error. I don't have time to hang out and chit a chatter before the show. We got nothing. I don't even want to talk to nobody before this show. I got to thank, go home.

So you, you say a prayer before you get on the fucking car. God bring me back here on Sunday. That's all I want from you. Who knows what the fuck did happen. But besides that, I don't have it. If it's a fucking big time moving, they're shooting in Atlanta for six weeks. I'm still coming home on the weekend.

I don't give a fuck about the six hour flight. Just to see them hug them, whatever. Oh, I'll fly them back there with me. And I didn't even mean you'd be out on the road for like, you could just go do every weekend. You could still do that. But listen, this is the third weekend right now. And you and I and favorite, I'm doing it because I committed to it.

I want to go to Toledo. It's going to be a great fucking show. It's a great fucking town with a party. It's Ohio. But I'll never look three weeks in a row again. Is it the funny, but what is it? It's a funny. Yeah, I did that.

We're fighting Russell Peters. It's a great fucking room. Bro, I got no beef. It is a good room. What my beef is that I can't do it no more like I used to. Yeah. There's no way. I did two sets last night.

Tremendous. So sets were tremendous. But for me to go out Tuesday through Saturday, even when I'm in town, I can't do it. I'm walking around at 6.30, bro. You know, you do two good sets. You walk in your door at 11.30, quarter to 12, unless you're fucking, you know, an hour to fall asleep.

That's one. By the fourth night, I got 16 hours in. I'm trying to do shit. You know, you don't sleep. You don't lose weight. You don't sleep. Your blood pressure is walking around. I yell at somebody.

I got a fucking stroke. I can't do it no more. I did it for 30 years. I walked on eggshells. So I know what I could do. And I know what I fucking can't do. When we were doing the podcast, two days a week at 6. Yeah.

And then I was leaving Thursday morning at 6. And then Friday morning radio. And then Sunday at 6 to come back. Guys, I was gaining weight, drinking water. And I couldn't figure out what the fuck I was doing. I was tired. Listen to the podcast from those stretches. There's a stretch.

I went out for six weeks in a row, eight weeks in a row. Ridiculous. Eight weeks in a row. Ridiculous. Leaving on fucking Thursday, Wednesday night. Ridiculous. You cannot take care of all this shit you gotta take care of.

Dude, especially a father and a husband in comedy and podcast. I mean, please. Listen, I get up in the morning. I have an hour and a half by myself. And then I have an hour with them to walk to the school, get dressed, talk to her, watch a cartoon, daddy this. Talk to her. Yeah, you gotta talk to them.

Talk to it. You know, you gotta talk to them for a few minutes and see what the fuck's on their mind. And then you gotta walk them to school. And then I gotta walk them back. And then I get my fucking day start. How do you like being a dad? I love it.

You're good at it too, aren't you? Yeah, I love it. You're such a good character dad. Yeah, I love it. I don't fuck with it. She probably looks at you like, oh my god. I walk and I pick her up at 5.30, you know? My favorite part of your periscopes

are hearing her like screaming for you in the living room. Yeah, she don't fuck around though. She don't even like me on the body, right? Oh yeah, yeah, she's my buddy. But you know, I could see it already, there's gonna be problems. I could see already she's strong, you know? She's a strong little girl and shit.

You gotta go back and forth on it, breaks my heart, but it's tough. You know, it's a different emotion having a child. Let me tell you what fucking is the first thing, that 60% of shit don't matter no more. Like I don't even know what the fuck you're talking about. I'm like, are you fucking serious? Yeah, I don't care what the fuck you do, I don't care,

you know? Because you don't have it, you're thinking, it's in front of you. Like I said, it's a different, I love being a feature act. I was a professional feature act. 20 or 30 and out. Yeah, 20 or 30 and you're getting your dick sucked by the bathroom. When you're a feature, oh yeah, when you're a feature,

by the time you're featured up, by the time you do your dirty, everybody's a little bust. All you gotta do is make believe you're making a phone call by the bathroom. The victims come to you like fucking Zomboville. Next thing you know, you're in the woman's bathroom, meeting somebody's asshole, it's tremendous. You don't know who's in this.

Oh my god, you got a coke rock in your pocket and you're out of there, Rogan's looking at me. Where'd he go? I don't know. All I saw was a cloud of smoke. I loved it, I loved all, I used to go to Miami just to feature for three, four weeks because you're working on a kill of 25 minutes,

you're working on 25 minutes, and deadly, you're not losing anything. All you gotta do is take 10 off that when you come back from the store. It's crazy. It's easy. It's fucking easy. But headlining guys is a guy in four shows,

Thursday, the one, you know, pictures afterward. Fuck that shit. It's work. Somebody already contacted me, for me, Ari, and whatever to go, do the South. But they were already talking about, you gotta leave Tuesday afternoon. Before this even conversation moves,

I'm not gonna go nowhere till Thursday morning. But you got pre, listen. Everybody knows, everybody knew this up front on this conference call. That before this conference call even happened. Yeah, but you're gonna miss out on this month. Listen, Thursday morning. And I come back Sunday, first fucking thing in the morning.

Yeah. And I'm not gonna, you know, everybody's gotta tweet, everybody's gotta put. Yes or no? Yeah, no, no, no, no, at least I got, not in a million fucking years. That last week took me two days to recover from those 10. I was only home for two days and 10.

I'm not young. And I can't even imagine if I was doing blow and drinking and staying going into the stadium and a slice of pizza, the four in the morning. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I burn out.

No, no, no, those days are over with them. You have to listen. But some people are saying, well, Joey, what the fuck? You're a pussy. No, you have to know your limitations. Well, what do you think about Ari taking, like, the whole next year off of touring?

Did he talk about it on the podcast? He mentioned it, yeah. Okay, ask him why. He said he wanted to, like, get better. Because he said it was a year of hell for him. You get lost. And a lot of people don't like getting lost. You know, one man, you know, when you get into comedy,

you're like, I can't wait to fuck him and be on the road every week and be out there partying. Guys, it's great for a few weeks. And then you come home and you're like, I don't know about that. Yeah. And now you start getting selective. I'm not going in no more.

So I'm not going to. You know, I used to pick places. Five or six cities. Right, in the beginning, I picked places by the best cook. Mm-hmm. Miami and Texas. Who's got better cook than those two motherfuckers? I'm there.

What do you need? Whatever price it was. You know. But then when I stopped doing cook, I became a comic. Now I want to go to these cities to do fucking comedy. The right way. For a long time, I cut myself short, man. Right.

You know, I had these fucking addiction to these horns. The party on the road. I'm fucking partying, man. There was a party out there, dude. Yeah. I used to headline in Houston and sell out with Pete. When Pete took over the last stop, Pete would put me in there four weeks a year.

So I would have, he would headline me for reals. Pete went down with me. It's the people that went down there. It was a great, you know. It was a party, man. This is part and weed. That's when Houston was at its best, man. Guys, I used to go down there and gain 15 pounds.

My blood pressure. Listen, this is an episode of Cold Case. Watch that episode with me and at Disco Inferno. Look at my stomach. God, Lee, find it. Disco Inferno, Joey Diaz. It's got to be on YouTube. What happened?

I went, I used to go to Houston in those days from the 19th to the 30th. I used to sleep in Pete's guest house around the corner from Beavers. Hello, hello, eggs with french fries. Listen, when you eat two eggs, four pieces of toast, and a whole thing of fucking fries. Every, not whole fries cut up, but fucking fries, you know, steak fries. Yeah. You will get.

So I would go down there for 10 fucking days, guys, and just eat three meals out. Who eats at home when you're in a hotel. And then you eat the apples at the hotel or whatever the fuck they got in the front. Is it on? Watch this. Look at the size of my stomach. That's the biggest I got.

Where should I? That's the biggest I ever got. All right. This is a disco that they burned. The funny thing is I go up and this is, I go up against a little juke. Fast forward. Fast forward. This is the beginning, correct?

Yeah. This is the beginning. Keep going. Keep going. Fast forward this week. Okay. This is a fucking badass episode. Keep going right there.

Stop it right there. Okay. Let's see what happens. They put a young me and then they put me. There's there's Lisa. Yeah, there's a little Jewish kid. See, because the father was Jewish and this kid was Jewish, but the chick was white.

So the father didn't want him to be with a white chick. So he killed the chick and the son and he burnt down the disco. Jewish lightning. Disco Inferno. What the fuck? Classic. This is classic shit. Classic.

Oh my God. Jeez, little ways. Oh, this is fucked up, Lee. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got to keep going. What is this? This is disco Inferno. What's going on, Lee?

You're breaking shit. Lee, what happened? I fast forward this a little bit. This isn't that one of the clips. It's like a two minute clip. What the fuck is this? They added something. Oh, this is the end.

You're supposed to go to the fucking middle. Unbelievable. Go to the beginning. This is the only two minute clip. Let me find advice. Don't let me see my problem. Jesus Christ Almighty. Did you guys see this the boxing thing we did?

You would have loved it, man. Me and Rusty did the punchline. Where the comedians fight each other in the boxing ring for like cash prizes and open up for Russell Peters on the road. Dude, you're going to see it. It's hilarious. That is crazy, though.

All those guys going at it. You got poor open micers to fucking fight in for the opportunity of a lifetime guy. See, that's crazy. It has Joey Diaz rant about so maybe it's Joey Diaz cold case. Just try that real quick. Because somebody had it up.

Yeah, see? Somebody had it up somewhere. No. Fuck it. Who knows? Who gives a fuck? Now, you've done a lot of things. You did the road thing.

You booked some fucking commercials. You had that. But the thing you do the most now was this cooking show, which is pretty fucking interesting. They just stuck it out. I know you're making a little fucking scratch. The book's best seller.

Get all types of DVDs. Store of merchandise. We tour pretty regularly. And city to city, good following. Always get on the local affiliates. Go on some national fronts. True TV and Travel Channel and WGN and NPR. And like, dude, this is stacked up.

Things of, you know, I love doing it, dude. It's so fun. People who have barbecues in LA always go, oh, by the way, Faber is going to drive by and cook. That's what makes, that's like the draw. That's all I've heard about you. That's like the fucking draw. Nobody can touch his meat, his chicken.

No one can touch my meat. Come on, nobody. Nobody. So listen, so we're telling the story about the dirty chick. So we go back and she's banging the uptight white dude. Now Ron Lewis is giving her a stab. Something happens.

We have a little chit chat. We go, you want to make a fucking video? So we make a video of her sucking my fucking horn. And all of a sudden, after I come, she sniffs my balls and she goes, your balls stink. Tremendous. Tremendous.

How did you start this story earlier tonight? It's like reality television. It's best. It's best. We had a wig on this afternoon. She had a wig. No, she had glasses. And she came on the glasses.

How fucking crazy is that? Oh my God. This crazy shit on the count. This is so funny. Remember you were saying you were going to call Ralphie May? You were like, get him over here. There's like a line of him. Get Ralphie over here.

You see him coming up the steps. And then we hung out during 9-11, the day 9-11, the towers went down. We all went over to your house and smoked reefer and fucking sat around. And the long fucking time, at least, I had. This is why. As a comic, it's like pivotal, too.

You're like, when do you do joke? Never do you joke? You know, it was a strange time. But the country needed comedy then, for sure. It didn't go away for too long. I was a nice little pack. We used to hang out with over your house in the afternoon. It's great, dude.

I miss those times, dude. Rusty. She had good laughs back there, dude. Great laughs. In the backyard with Manny, the plumber. The best is to have a little shit in your backyard. Oh, God. And you ran over it.

That's what needs. I got you the gig. All the way up there. You rented me the car. It was awful. A five-hour gig to drive. To some girl up there, you were friends with a weather bar. And you rented me the car.

And I came. It was a five-hour drive back. Who wants to stop on the road and take a shit? So I pulled up the famous backyard. I don't know who was in the house living there. And I couldn't knock on the door. Who knows? I had paper towels.

I got them from somewhere. Probably from the restaurant that you just performed. And I just took a shit in the whole thing. That's an understatement. And I wiped my ass. And I put the paper in the garbage can. That was the piece of shit. I couldn't even see the garbage can.

It was in my backyard on the ground. I left the shit. It had, like, maggots on it. I left the shit in the garbage when I came on the road. No, no, no, no. I left the shit. What happened? I left the shit in the garbage on the grass.

But I threw the paper in the garbage can. And I go home. And he calls me. He goes, something with the rental car. And you give me a ride to pick it up or drop it off. So when I get over there, out of the blue, he goes, held it. This is fucked up. Then you killed it.

Somebody took a shit in my backyard. Look at the size of that thing. I forgot all about it. I'm hot with my ass off for 10 minutes. And finally, I told him it was me who took the shit in your backyard. Dude, how about that movie we shot in the backyard with that RV that the kid from USC left in their backyard? You remember?

With the mannequins. The price of love. Dude, it was hysterical. Do you remember that? This kid who went to the room from USC had this RV he bought randomly. And he left it in my backyard because it was huge. And we decided to make a movie about two guys who fall in love with mannequins. And Joey played the guy in a poker game

where I won his doll from him. And I took her and dragged her out of the place. Do you remember that? Is that on your IMDB job? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Look up the price of love. Play that. It's so good.

You're great. I lost Jenny to you. It's just coming back to me now. That's right. We used to shoot some crazy shit back then. Oh, yeah. This is the journey, people. This is the journey.

You just fucking do things. And you... It's not like we knew where they're going to be Academy Award. When isn't that? We just took a chance. Even then, what's the matter with you? Flowing away. What are you holding on to your fucking beard for?

Flowing away. That's really high. You're really high. You're always fucking really high. Giggles all the way. Let me give some shout outs. My man, Stephen Pazan. I am Customs.

Look at him. Stephen Pazan. I am customs.com. He sent me some fucking beautiful insoles. I put them in my other adidas. Tremendous. Bobby Sharon in Crystal. Lawn, Rosen, Currie.

You know, I love you. John Wolf. Gee. Yell, Yo-Fee. Michael. Ladisaw. Cleo. Uki Spooky.

Lady J. Joey Rookland. And Mark Lemus. I love you, cock suckers. You understand me? What are you giggling about, Lee? What do you got going on? I just like that you made it rhyme.

Who? You. Man, who's rhyming? My man, I love Pazan. You know, I don't fuck around. Stephen Pazan. He sent me some beautiful fucking insoles. One red, one blue.

So you know where they go into your adidas. I wore, he goes, I want you to wear them on stage. So I put them in my new adidas last night and busted them up on stage. You know what I'm saying? I'm not going to put them in my busted up fucking adidas. I noticed that when I was looking at the special, you have white shoes.

Fuck you. I don't know what is fuck. Fuck yeah. Fabian, can you believe you're still in that light? Is there times that you look around and you look at your, you know, your depositing checks and you're like, I can't believe you're still in Los Angeles. I'm making a living.

I love it, man. It took me a couple of days to get back into the groove here. It says I was gone for about a month, but now that I'm back, I'm like, dude, you guys saw Luis Guzman today. Where? Lunch at Lala's on Melrose. And it's just cool, man.

It looks so like down to earth and cool. And I went up and dude, I love what you're doing. You know, I love your stuff. And he's like, thanks, man. And boom, but it was just cool to be at lunch and bump into him. Very cool city. You know, I think LA right now is shiny.

It's like the comedy scene is good. A couple of good movies coming out. I think things are, things in the upswing. We're ready to get bombed. Yeah. Ready for a good earthquake. Shit, it's earthquake weather. More rock star comics, dude.

It's fucking wet. You know, we've got to come around again, dude. A podcast of positives in there. So, bam. You really miss those days of rock star comics going on to arenas and stuff like that, like Dane Cook. Dane Cook was the, no, Louis C.K. is the real one. Yeah, no, Kevin Hart.

Kevin Hart, rock star. Kevin Hart, Gabriel. Dude, there are a lot of them. Yeah, there's a lot of them, man. Yeah, yeah. There's a lot of them, man. Well, I mean like the down and dirty ones, like Eddie Murphy and Pryor and Dice and Cannes and,

you know, there hasn't been a lot of like filthy comedy getting attention. Don't stand up, I guess. You're on the upper eyes. Well, the problem is they categorize it, right? They categorize it and that's the wrong thing because a lot of people aren't really that filthy. Maybe they just off, off, what's the word I'm looking for?

Hilted? Kilt, yeah. Hilted, maybe they're off kilt. Maybe they just don't go off talking about eating pussy and stabbing your wife's pussy with a fucking bayonet. I'll stab your wife in the snatch with a bayonet. And that's what we're saying, that you got those, you got those stand-hope types that when they're younger

in their first two years of comedy, you can't sit through that because they don't have the spine to say that material with confidence. They say it very, I'll crush the head of an unborn fetus and some people in the room giggle in the back, ha, ha, ha, ha, and you know, I'll kick your wife in the pussy or whatever the fuck they talk about. Is it, is it, that's not funny.

Well, it is if you say it from a certain direction, mixed with intelligent stuff like stand-hope does. It's not when somebody's just going to fucking Google and Googling up words, that's what we're talking about. What the fuck? Kick it up, cock-suck. What do you got going on this weekend? Mama's going out of town, you're alone, you only got three stars,

you're going to go to a kettlebell class on Saturday, you got Jiu-Jitsu Friday night. Oh, hell no. I heard the fucking stories. Whoa, schedule. Look at him, he's fucking, he lost 100 pounds. Do you do Jiu-Jitsu as well? Yeah, he just got into it.

Are you good? Are you into it? Oh yeah, can't you see, he's Maya Yamamoto here. I mean, I was told some people... He's good, he wrestled in Boston. High school. So he's five foot fucking six. He's like a fucking anchor.

Nice. When he stepped on him, he's like an anchor. That should be his nickname, the anchor. You're long, and you know, you're long in 200. I'm fucking long. He's an anchor, he's a little fucking. He's an anchor. He puts his knee on you, everything.

He starts seeing stars. You see Steven Spielberg fucking, what's that moving? He's like a spike. Yeah, he's like a fucking spike. I'm stuck. Hey, Fabian, I'm just... I love seeing you, man. I don't see you enough.

Remember all the fair facts you were there every day. Every fucking day tormenting you, fucking everybody. Many of them. What's to eat? I go over there, you always had good food for me and shit. Oh god, Joey. Sitting in the backyard on a beautiful... We sit in the back.

This is when the medical marijuana first thing exploded. And I would go to the one pharmacy place that was trendy, and go to your backyard, and I'd bring edibles, and we'd fucking get blasted. And just laugh, man. And just giggle. Never laughed so hard back then, dude. That's what comics do sometimes.

Sometimes in the afternoon, you get together, and you talk shit. And you know, I missed Wesley. We went through a lot of guys. We had a lot of quick. We had Ralphie, Wesley. Who else used to talk? Rouse.

I used to. Rouse, Dooley's, Gray. Is he still in Houston, Rouse? Rouse is... Yeah, he's in New Katie. He's doing good. I talked to him recently. He's, you know, writing.

I saw him. I saw him when I was in Houston. Oh, you did? Yeah, he came in. He came in. Was he partying or, you know? What do you fucking think? He's the man of steel.

He's the man of steel. They gave him new knees. He got a second lease on life, Doug. And like, and hands, too. And the hands. There was some great comics we hung out with. A lot of people we ran into. Jeff Klinger.

The other fucking Matush. We had a lot of fucking people. It was so fun back then, dude, because we're all just like doing it for the love of comedy. We used to hang out with Ralph in that apartment. We used to go to Ralph's when he lived in a fucking 1440 right in the apartment then. It's just good to see you're still doing it.

Where can people find your stuff, man? MikeFavement.com. UltimateOutdoorCooking.com. Oh, shit. And then the punchline where comedyhurts.com is coming, that our special is done and it's fantastic, dude. You gotta just see it. You'll love it.

It's hilarious on so many levels, dude. All the guys from the comedy star are on it, too. Barris is in it. Frazier Smith. Doing what? Being the commentator. Oh, this is for the boxing thing. The punchline.

Dude, you gotta watch it. I'm still talking about the fucking cooking. I love that you do this. You asked me where you could find me, so I was like, you know. Oh, I thought you'd give me the cooking schedule at the fucking... No, no, no, no. It's the fucking cooking class. Come on, guys.

Oh, that's gonna have Frazier Smith cooking class. That'd be a good cooking class. That would be a good cooking class. Listen, dawg, this is entertainment to the fullest. If he was a chef and he cooked, you'd be fucking curtained. Curtained. This guy's a savage. Doss me, bro.

People cook. Bro, it's been good to me. Dude, it pays way more than comedy. Didn't you do the 4th of July or whatever? And they said, like, fucking, that was the hook. That Mike Flaviman's gonna be there. Yeah. And people show up because they know the fucking meat's good.

You don't show up with a lot of meat. You know, these people. The Jews, yo. We do all right. They got long pockets of short arms. Simone said that he invited... Come on, guy. He said that he invited him up to do the podcast and eat.

And then they were just gonna grill steaks and then he just started making a marinade out of what Steve had in his cupboard. That's what he does. Oh, yeah. That's what Mikey Flavis does. I'll tear that up, dude. He knows, as well as I know, that, you know,

and I have this argument all the time. Listen, I'm Cuban. I wanted to be white growing up. So I ate all the fucking staples. Mm-hmm. There's nothing more than I love more than I ever. But the last couple of years living out here, they're getting worse.

And worse. And worse. Now it's in touch with my memories. I don't want to go to Wunami Burger. Once I got to pay $12, $15 for a fucking hamburger. That's not what it's about, guys. So I don't want to walk in. Now, okay, they got pay-the-tots.

The burger's this fucking small. Some fucking Japanese meat people bowing. That's not what it's about. I want fucking regular people. That's it. Last week, I went to the fucking... That's a Kobe beefy. Oh, Kobe beefy.

She was bowing. Yeah, but what the fuck is this? I went to the place and I got a cheeseburger deluxe. I ate two of the French fries, guys. I took the lettuce off. I left the onions on, the cheese, and the tomato. And I put a little ketchup on that motherfucker. And I bit into that burger,

and there was still a little pink meat in the middle. I mean, the juice from the hamburger blew up. Oh, I love that. And it went on my fucking fingers. I had to get a napkin. Got a little wrist. Fuck up my shirt. That's a hamburger.

So I knew I was correct. That I had lost a full patois. Even though the hamburger made me lost out here. That five guys and all that shit. Those little novelty burgers. I'm talking about a fucking American burger with steak fries. That's the way you show up with a burger. These fucking French guys all got AIDS.

These little skinny fries. And they try to dope them up with garlic and Parmesan cheese. That's not what the fucking French fries are about, guys. That's what missing the fucking point. What missing the point, you know? Maybe. I just want some good fries that's cooked in this fucking oil.

That just tastes good. They need to dry them for a little while. Do you like cooking, Joey? I don't know if I ever would talk to you about that. Do you like it? Any passion at all? In another life, my shish. Fave, man, I'm sorry.

I messed up your last name. In another life, I would have been a fucking great chef. I don't like touching meat. I can faint. Faint? At any time, I'm cutting myself. So a knife is the last thing I want to fuck with in my life. I don't want a knife close to me, but if you chop it up,

I'm the type of guy that'll like putting stuff together. I went to Rudy's last week. I had the shrimp and garlic. Delicious. You know, it was perfect. It was perfect. You go anywhere else and you can taste the fucking mixture. You can taste that this is recipe.

You know, I had the chicken piccata there that night. Delicious. Thin slice. Nice. Nice, shit. It's class. It's like a fucking profession. Class.

You know, a lot of people go to these places. They give you the whole chicken color with the fat on it. You know, so I'm the type of guy. Yeah. With the little strength. I want to bite into a chicken color and taste its fucking thigh muscle. Dessence. Yeah.

Get the fuck out of here. It's awful. That's why I like your shit. Because you marinate everything. It's sadistic to eat the skin of this animal. But I believe in marinating. And preparing, I get fucking furious at my wife when I go throw a hamburger around and I bite it.

So it tastes like meat. What happened? I got no fucking garlic salt. We broke? Yeah, what happened? Garlic salt. What broke? It's garlic powder, onion salt, fucking pepper, a little fucking sea salt.

You spray that motherfucker, put a little butter on that grill and you pop that fucking burger in there. You don't even need the bread and the fucking cheese. It's a flavor back. It's a fucking beautiful thing. You got to prepare that fucking meat. But if you don't prepare that meat, it's going to be like every other fucking cheese burger in town.

Just a piece of fucking meat. That's it. Well, we're going to give you an eighth to sixteenth of a pound. If it tastes like a fucking swami's ass. Throw on the grill. I don't give a fuck if you give me a half a pound. You know what I'm saying? I want a quarter pound of flavor.

Really? Figure that out, you fuck. That's what I want. A quarter pound of fucking flavor. I want to leave here and go bursting with flavor. That was a good fucking cheese burger. If I didn't have heart tissue problems and shit, I'd be back in there eating fucking 14 more.

I don't give a fuck anymore. I don't give a fuck anymore. Fucking you. Can you make a good burger? You kill it? Dude, what's just a sauce? Catch a barbecue sauce? Fresh chopped garlic, salt, pepper?

Come on, man. Throw that in there. Olive oil. Really? That's how you make a good burger? Dude, give it the juices it needs. So where do you put the stuffing? Dude, you put raw burger in a big plate, right?

Right. Then you put some barbecue sauce. Good barbecue sauce. Maybe sweet, you know? A little bit of olive oil because, you know, juice. Freshly chopped garlic. All right. And then, and what was I talking about?

Do your burger recipe. Okay, the burger. What's just a sauce? Maybe a little bit ketchup. A little maybe teriyaki, just a tannin. Maybe pineapple juice. And then maybe blue cheese crumbles. And you make it, you know.

By hand. By hand. Every single one of them. You spit out the fucking thing. Dude, I put the, dude. Stop it. Like 500 burgers in like 30 minutes or something. But you just kick it out.

You throw it all in. Hands, hands, hands. Then I have some assistance sometimes. Just helping my shit. And then, boom. Killing on the burgers, dude. Killing it. Like this guy's higher than both of us.

So you make the burger, you squish it with your hands. Individually, perfectly. What do you put in the fucking frying pan? You put it on a grill. Okay, outside. Yeah, put it on a grill. Move it once. 15 minutes on one side, maybe 15 on the other.

Do you want a little medium rare? So you want it. And then when you pull it off, a little barbecue sauce on that, on a bun. Boom, you're done. No one's going to touch you. What if I'm like, well, I don't want no barbecue sauce.

Okay, then you don't put on it. What is it with the barbecue sauce? What do you like? Tell me what you like. I got to tell you something. I'm in awe when you tell me. When people tell me recipes, I'm very in awe. Because it's like comedy.

Joey, how'd you do that on stage? Chefs, I was seeking a little bit of mustard. You don't taste that in my fucking cheeseburger. You were fucking answering. You're like, oh my God, I did, but I would have put mustard in whatever. Right. Very interesting.

I always, when I was younger, I used to make chicken on a cocoa. Chicken on a cocoa? That was a recipe I invented. It was like hot sauce and butter on chicken cutlet. I fry them with onions and garlic. It was fucking whatever. Hey.

I didn't know what the fuck that was. But did you enjoy doing it? Did you enjoy like prepping it? Putting it all together. It's like expediting several things to all come to a perfect end. Yes. I can't lie to you.

I love making spaghetti and clam sauce. I love to learn how to make a good fucking meatloaf. I know how to make, right now, I tell you what, I can make a nice mashed potatoes. I know how to make a nice little mayonnaise, a little fucking butter, salt and pepper, maybe a dab of sour cream. You squish it.

I like, you know what I like in mashed potatoes? I like a little fucking red potatoes. And you leave the skin. And you chop a little fucking red onion in that motherfucker. Stop it, Lee, right? Your mashed potatoes. And you know what? I'm touching.

You only live once. If you show up at Margin, I'll stab you in the fucking kidney. Put that butter in that fucking mashed potato and whip that motherfucker up. That's mashed potatoes. But, you know, you can only eat like a half a cup and make it work for you.

Look at you. Yeah, when I was a kid, I ate a whole fucking tray of mashed potatoes, guys. Oh, those little. I could eat a tray of mashed potatoes back at my dad. I'm giving a fuck. Put a little steak in it. Steak and mashed potatoes on next to it, you fuck.

Dude, I made mashed potatoes for restaurants that had $30 to $40 a plate. So it had to be pristine and imperfect. And I love make them. It's nothing like making a good mashed potato. Can you make a good mashed potato? Nope. That's amazing, Lee.

But you know, it's sad. We should teach you right now. I should know. But it was crazy that you said meatloaf. I remember I must have been like 10 or 11. I had like this kid cookbook and I made meatloaf for my entire family. Did you ever like cook for your mom or anything?

Like as soon as you said it, that's all I could think about. Steak them. You could steak them. I made a good fucking steak them with onions and peppers. I could dope it up. Say your mom and stuff.

Yeah, my mom was still alive. But she would need a fucking steak them if you paid her $20. She didn't even know I was eating behind her back. She would call those scab meat. She goes, look at them. They're frozen meat. It's like a fucking scab that people put on their knees.

Oh, it's disgusting. It was fucking disgusting. It was disgusting. That scab meat. It looked like a piece of meat from a steak and cheese. My person's thigh. My dad thought steak and meat. Oh, steak them through the American cheese,

cook up some onions and butter. They get so oily. With some fucking, with a bun. Nobody knows. Unless you're a fucking taste test. That's what that was. That's a steak. And how do you make a good steak?

I don't know. Let's say you had a frying pan in your home. Which meat? Pick the meat. Every meat's different, man. You flavor it differently. The fatty content. Dude, my rib eye kills.

I always close with my rib eye if I do an evening of recipes. You know what I mean? Because it's always the fattiest and most juicy and delicious meat out of all of them. So you always close with a rib eye. I usually do something like a New York strip. Some black and blue filets.

Maybe a good carne asada. Maybe a flank steak. That's a tough one. And then go to a rib eye and just close the night out. And then beforehand, dude, you do a little bit of vegetables. A little bit of sausages. A little bit of grilled vegetables. Just get them maybe a little bit of fish or salmon.

You gotta do a salmon in a tinfoil wrap where it's like fresh lemon, basil. Salmon I always fuck up so I stop buying it. You just let it cook itself at a low temperature. And you put all of it in a tinfoil. So all the flavors are there. Lemon pepper sauce. And just 15, 20 minutes on both sides.

Boom. Dude, it's easy. I would go get salmon from Whole Foods. Take it home. Tastes like ass. Every fucking thing I put on it. The glaze. There's that.

There's that. Glaze. It tastes like ass. So I just stop. So you like a steak though. What's your favorite steak? Like a New York cut of salmon with a nice baked potato. With aluminum foil with some butter and sour cream.

Some chives and that motherfucker. Oh yeah. A nice lettuce and maybe cucumber salad. The cucumber slice very, very thin. Yeah. Vinegar and oil with some heavy fucking pepper. A little dash of sea salt. That's a nice salad.

What's better, dry aged or wet aged first steak? Because like sometimes the restaurants will say like dry aged or wet aged. And I don't know. It just depends on what you like. It's just a different texture. A different cooking technique. It's you know, all the hulia. Dude, that was a classic week, wasn't it?

That was, what was it? Bollock? Lubbock. Lubbock. Lubbock. And this waitress had the biggest tits you ever saw. Even the dad was checking them out. How many?

That's how, she had to be 19. She's just stacked. And she had the biggest tits and she was the waitress and the door girl. And the mom and the dad. And door girl. And fry later sometimes. And every time somebody wanted a beer, I would yell from the stage. Holy shit.

We were fucking, she would come out with those gigantic, and I would never hit on it. I mean it was a shame. She was the daughter. She was a daughter. She was very sweet, but lead hands. My daughter's tits, well I thought I had to pull her side. We got to cut those things down. I mean, these things were not double D.

These things were double, double D. Double, double D. And they were natural. Like by Saturday, we got a lot of one of the customers or something. I gave them, how big are her tits? And they're like, oh, she's been a little girl. And they just kept getting bigger and bigger and bigger. And that's where they are today.

They would not count down. Only in Texas. Oh yeah. Only in fucking Texas. Those Texas girls are special. Yeah, no, no, no, only in Texas. I dated that El Paso girl for a while. She was great.

Well, that's right. The crazy girl was a kid. She was great. It's a party girl, beautiful. She lit your house on fire. She's like Marilyn Monroe of El Paso. No, she kicked me out of the house, threw my shit on the lawn, dude. And I'm in the middle of nowhere.

I had to drive to Odessa, Texas, and then sleep in my car because I had no place to crash that night. It was a nightmare, bro. The thousand lives of my city. The thousand lives of a comic, bro. Yeah. Falling in love on the road and stopping by their house. Different stories with, you know, come on, man. On it for all your fucking supplement needs.

I'm sorry. I started stepping out of your motherfuckers. Let me tell you something, guys. I tell you, we went to Jiu-Jitsu today. We rode hard today for that fucking and went out. We were sweaty up the store. Hell yeah. You know what that was?

Tell them, Lee. What was that? Shroom tech sport. Lee don't know because I didn't give it to him. Yeah. I took it. Yeah, we went, but he didn't give it. See?

I fucking had the shroom tech sport in the fucking bag and it gives you a little bit more oxygen, a little bit more length. It gives you more, at least I can think more when I'm in bad situations. I love all that stuff. The alpha brain, that's the fucking, that's it. That's the star trek to the enterprise right there. If you don't start with the fucking alpha brain, you're killing yourself because it's money back, guarantee.

We don't even want the product back. Go to honet.com. Look at the great selection of supplements they have from the tea oil to the shroom tech sport, to the testosterone boosters. You know, I'm not one of those dudes. Plus you said they're having a sale. Go to honet.com right now and in the box before you check out, press in. Church.

Boom. Get 10% off. They have to stay on the program. All this stuff gets delivered right to your door. Bam. That's honet for you. We don't fuck around. Like I said, alpha brain, the shroom tech sport, shroom tech immune.

I already got the immune ready for breakfast. When I get up before I go on that plane, I drop three fucking capsules midway, three fucking capsules. And when I get there, three capsules, just in case there's bad spirits in the hotel fucking room and shit like that. Speaking of comfort, meonthese.com, I'll tell you, let me, let me drop it on you, motherfuckers. You guys were underwear every day.

That's 365 fucking days a year. Rain or shine. There's a few days there. You go commando. You're going to sling dick. You ain't got time to take your underwear as well, right? Listen, luxury at half the retail price you're going to find anywhere else. When you look good, you feel great.

It's a cliche because it's fucking true. Meonthese understand this and that's why they designed underwear that makes you look and feel fantastic. I got to tell you myself, I even look good in fucking meonthese. You understand me? It tightens up the nutsack. It firms up the muffler. You know, I ever decide to switch governments.

I just put meonthese on and walk around Santa Monica. I'll get a date between 10 minutes with some sandals and a wig on. You ain't stopping Uncle Joey, cocksuckers. What I'm trying to say is meonthese is a great pair of underwears. They make them for men and women. Meonthese is made from motor, a fabric that's twice as soft as cotton. That's twice as soft as whatever the fuck you're wearing right now. Meonthese has tons of colors, tons of styles,

and the only place to get matching pairs and women. So I'd say you're one of these Harvey Homoes. You want to dress up with your girlfriend and jump up and down. Boom! Meonthese could help you out. They even release a new fucking design every month. Me, I'm a camouflage type of motherfucker. Plus, we all know that we're paying for shipping sucks. So I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

Meonthese has removed that from the equation. All orders in the U.S. and Canada, I'm going to ship to you for free. Plus, I'm going to give you 20% off. Of all fucking orders, all right? Meonthese, the best underwear. If I go to Jiu-Jitsu, I got meonthese on. That's why I don't wear them when I'm not. Because I only got like six or seven pair of meonthese.

I go to Jiu-Jitsu, I'm ripping shit. Well, I'll tell you what, the elastic has stayed. The fucking thighs have stayed. And every time I go to Jiu-Jitsu, I get home. The outside is wet, but the inside is dry. It pulls the moisture from my nutsack. So let's say I was going from Jiu-Jitsu to sling some dick. Boom.

When I get there, the balls are fresh. As the French say, magnifique. Go to meonthese.com right now and press in. Joey. Joey and get what, Lee? 20% off your revenue. And free shipping in Canada and the United States. Who's better than you?

Rob. What do you think, Mike? Killing it, man. You know how we do it, Mike. My favorite. I got time to talk to you, dude. You're the one with the classics. You are.

So are you, Mike Flayman. I learned a lot from you doing comedy. Dude, we're having fun still, man. I'm loving it out there. The month was exhausting but fruitful, you know what I'm saying? You know, I see you out there still. And it brings pleasure because you and I both know a lot of people have left. Oh, it's tough.

Before, we were talking about our friend Mike Rickard. We weren't making fun of Mike Rickard. Yeah, you keep trying stuff until. But he left, you know. And the whole thing about the church, we stuck it out. You got to fucking stick it out. You're here. You already got 10 years invested.

There's going to be highs and there's going to be lows. But if you're going to go to that low, right before you hit that high, you're going to leave. You're going to knock the girl up and tell me some story. How it's better if we live back there. Guess what? You're a comic. You're always going to be a comic.

Once you leave this area, you leave here fucking brutal. It's brutal for you. Yeah, some people make an understanding. But within three or four years, you see them come back to the other. Tell you how they got the boars and stuff. Because it's fucking tough. Once you're a jet, you're always a fucking jet. Lee, how are you doing?

You're all right? I'm great buddy. All right. Thank you very much. We'll be back. I want to thank Mike Feynman. What's the website they go to, brother? I'm sorry.

All right. MikeFeynman.com or ultimateautocooking.com. That's what I'm talking about here. And you Google everything. All right, your world. Everything is great. We got new morning joint shirts and new church shirts. JoeyDs.net.

People have been busting my balls to Lido this weekend. Tuesday to six, seven, 30. Love that club. This is not happening at the Cheetah in Hollywood. The code to come see me at the show is S2. Also next week, the week after Minneapolis at the House of Comedy. All right.

Stay black. I love you guys. Have a great weekend. We'll be back Monday night or afternoon. I haven't fucking thought about it yet. This show is brought to you by Meondies. Go to meondies.com. My reefer.

I am toast right now. I'm toast. Oh, fucked up, Jack. What do you want to say? All right. What do you want to say? I want to say no. OK.

Go to meondies.com slash joey to get 20% off your order of all other underwear, shirts, socks, t-shirts, and get free shipping in the United States and Canada. And go to onit.com and use code word church to get 10% off. All the great optimization products like Alphabrain, New Mood, Shroom Tech Immune, and Shroom Tech Sport. I'm leaving today. I want to be part of it.

New York, New York. These flag-a-bond shoes are longing to stray. Right through the very heart of it, New York, New York. I want to wake up in a city that doesn't sleep and find I'm king of the hill, top of the heap, these little town blues are melding away. I'll make a brand new start of it in old New York. If I can make it there, I'll make it anywhere it's up to you, New York, New York. I want to wake up in a city that never sleeps and find I'm A number one,

top of the list, king of the hill, A number one. These little town blues are melting away. I'm gonna make a brand new start of it in old New York. And if I can make it there, I'm gonna make it anywhere it's up to you, New York, New York, New York. New York, New York.